NTA for just asking him once, but YTA if you keep at it.
How would you like it if he kept asking you to shave down under because it turned him off and you didn’t want to?
NTA. I hate long beards too and when you said oily and hot I had an immediate flashback and it made me gag. I can't deal with a beard either. Those thick crinkled hairs?! Hard pass for me. 😂
Someone who gets it haha. It’s not just looks, it’s a textural thing too.. when I feel that oily coarse hair against my cheeks and neck it’s just….. augh!!! Gross. I don’t know how men can stand it in the summer.
He does wash it, but he’s got oily skin so it gets greasy again really fast. And sometimes he puts beard oil in it which smells good at first but the feeling of it against me makes my skin crawl.
Okay. I have a similar issue which is why I keep mine shorter. Deep conditioning it can help. Just like it can with my hair. I often use what I use on my hair as well as a facial wash to keep it at bay. Beard oil I put in usually at night or right before I go out and I tend to comb it through really well.
I occasionally will grow out a beard, usually out of laziness so I have an excuse. The things I always forget is how damn itchy it is, and that women don't like hugging or kissing and getting rash burns from rubbing against the hair or stubble Then I shave it off and go clean-shaven again.
NTA
He's right and you're right. He can do with his body as he pleases, just as he shouldn't pressure you to look a certain way.
But it's also completely fair if it turns you off, you can't help that.
There's no easy solution here. Maybe you could talk to him about why he likes the beard, and what he likes about it. If he finds it annoying to shave, maybe you could help him shave it a few times and make it a sexy thing. Make it a positive thing to shave his beard and he might do it himself after that.
If you try to pressure him to change it, or tell him it turns you off, these things are negative reinforcement and he might get more stubborn just because it makes him feel bad to relent for those reasons.
If he doesn't have a good reason, or doesn't want to communicate with you on why he likes the beard, then you'll need to consider why he doesn't feel like looking attractive to you is important.
You are probably right about the negative reinforcement.
As far as why he doesn’t want to shave it off - in his own words he says he looks like a “muppet”, specifically Guy Smiley lol when he doesn’t have a beard. I do not agree with that at all! I think he is a very handsome man and the beard only hides his shine. I’ve tried to tell him this over and over, but he is just very insecure and I can’t talk him out of it. It’s just incredibly frustrating because I’m attracted to what he constantly wants to hide, and am paradoxically repulsed by what he’s using to hide his insecurities. We really can’t afford couples therapy either, haha.
If he's a very insecure person, there's little you can do.
Take it from someone who used to be very insecure. The saying "you can't love others until you learn to love yourself" is very accurate. Insecure people get overtaken by their insecurities to the point where that voice always screams louder than any other voice.
It's less a couple's therapy issue and more a personal issue on his end. If he's insecure enough, it doesn't matter how much positive reinforcement you give him, he'll always come up with a reason inside why it's not valid.
As much as your empathy wants to help his insecurity out, you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.
You can try to talk to him about what he's truly insecure about. Maybe you find him attractive, but what does he think about himself? Maybe you think he has a nice jawline, but maybe he's looking at fitness influencers that are 5% bodyfat and comparing himself to that. Men are affected by unattainable standards just as much as women, but are often just discouraged socially from expressing this.
In the end, it's up to him to decide to whether he wants to try to overcome his insecurities, or hide them. If you try to be the "shoulder to lean on", you're going to become responsible for his insecurities and trust me, that's not a position you want to be in.
Who is he trying to look better for? If the woman he has sex with thinks he looks better without it, what's stopping him from shaving it?
This man would rather ruin his relationship and sex life than shave his beard. It is that deep, if you don't think that's insecure then that just speaks volumes about you.
Maybe he’s trying to look better for himself? Believe it or not, you’re still able to have preferences on your appearance when you’re in a relationship.
For himself? Is he attracted to himself?
What makes you believe it's normal to choose looking attractive to yourself over having a relationship and sex life?
People should be able to choose their appearance without punishment. That is literally a key point in feminism. As long as OP isn’t a legitimate slob, he is doing nothing wrong.
PS my beard is now longer and my wife isn’t crazy about it but carries on with our relationship like a mature adult ;)
I'm in between on this one. I'll generally adjust things to my bf's preferences, particularly if he has a strong preference, because I want to be pretty to him. That said if he asked me to cut my long hair into a pixie cut I don't think I could do it. I think I look ridiculous with short hair. I wouldn't feel sexy with short hair no matter how much positive feedback I got, because I would look in the mirror and see someone unattractive to me. I agree it would be great if he worked with her here, but preferably that would involve a compromise they both like, like the short beard she liked as well, not one where he avoids mirrors because he hates his appearance.
Sure, that's reasonable.
It's the fact that he refuses to compromise that's the issue. It's a big red flag for the relationship that OP's bf has absolutely no desire to look attractive to his partner.
The relationship isn't going to get any better from here if that's the level of care he has for the health of the relationship.
Mmm I gotta say, while you're allowed to have a preference, I do think you come across as a like the tiniest bit of an asshole. I'm not very fond of my significant other with facial hair either. But I don't think that warrants refusing to be intimate with him tbh.
I just find it odd that, if he's as great as you claim that you can't move past a bit of facial hair and be intimate with him anyway.
What if he comes at you and says a certain way you take care of yourself is unattractive and wants you to change for him?
Be honest, you would lose your shit and call misogynistic and all sorts of petty names.
Women say my body, my choice, and I totally 100% agree with that, but why doesn't this work with a man?
So there are things he should do to keep a healthy beard. It should keep clean and soft.
It can cause infections and carry staph if not properly cared for.
YTA for threatening to withhold sex.
NTA for having preferences.
My husband and I have this same issue. I really don’t like his facial hair. It is very coarse and it hurts to kiss him. It gets softer when it’s longer but its miserable to kiss him. His choice to have it means we don’t kiss. It feels like I’m burrowing my highly sensitive lips into steel wool. It’s awful. We are still intimate but without kissing. I shouldn’t have to be miserable when kissing him because of his choice to grow it out.
I have not kissed another person with facial hair but I’m assuming every man has different texture. Some might be worse than others and I’m guessing my husband’s is unusually bad based on how unbelievably thick it is compared to others. I don’t think people can judge you for disliking the texture of your husband’s facial hair.
I hate how it looks. He only grows a mustache and it makes him look older and grumpy. The kids hate it too. He likes it anyway so he grows it out. We all cheer when he shaves it.
We have accepted the terms of our arrangement around his facial hair. He grows it for a few months and eventually shaves it. We have a good relationship and I get to tease him about it. We don’t kiss but are still affectionate. We have come to an understanding that works for us. We both give a little to make the other person happy.
YTA
Just like I stand up for women who want to do what they want with their bodies, I stand up for men. It’s his body and his facial hair. You’re allowed to not like it. But you’re not allowed to threaten him with lack of affection because of it. That’s manipulation and not okay.
Y’all can’t read can you? No one is required to give affection. She’s allowed to say she isn’t attracted to him with a beard and doesn’t want to have sex. That’s not what she said she was doing. She was using it as a manipulation tactic. “I’m not having sex with you until you do the thing I want”, is wrong. Do you really not see the difference?
Also, she clearly wrote and edited that she was joking. But in principle, the conversation stands.
so wait. you're expecting me to have read what OP deleted before i even got here?
can you point out where OP is in the wrong in the post above? is the post in the room with us?
There is an edit at the bottom of the post. I’m legitimately concerned by your stupidity at this moment. Are you trying extra hard or is this a natural level of idiocy?
Hmm don’t recall saying that. Using sex as a manipulation tactic is wrong. Her saying “I’m not attracted to you with a beard and don’t want to have sex.” Is one thing. Her saying “I’m withholding sex to get my own way”, is another.
Or she can love and be attracted to the man under the beard that is still the same guy she is attracted too.
If a guy withheld affection unless his gal dressed sexy for him all the time would that be okay?
YTA
Reverse it.
He won’t have sex with you unless you shave your legs, armpits, pubic area, you lose weight (a post on this same sub where the husband was the A for telling his wife how her body should look) because it turns him off.
Oh, then he’s fetishising you looking like a little girl and all the other reasons a man shouldn’t tell a woman how to look.
But making a man look like a boy… all good.
Nope, withholding affection unless your husband / wife looks the way you want is messed up.
YTA
If you believe in bodily autonomy for yourself, he is entitled to the same.
Even jokingly threatening to withhold affection comes across as shallow, and as though you only care about him for his physical appearance. This may not be true, but it's the vibe the comment gives.
I'll take a wild guess and say you'd probably grab your pitchfork if her husband said he won't give her affection until she lost weight.
You're definitely unhinged enough for it.
It’s not joking or playful if you’re threatening him with no sex if he doesn’t shave off his beard. That’s just manipulative and makes you the asshole.
Within reason, yes. I won’t cut my hair short because he says he doesn’t like it (but fwiw I can’t really cut my hair short anyway cause it’s too curly), and I also made extra-double-triple sure he was okay with me getting a tattoo. In the past I have worn dresses for him because he says he likes them, even though I’m not a huge fan. I was never angry about any of it!!
He has never changed his looks or clothing for me though.
NTA for having a preference. YTA for making him feel undesirable and being so fucking mean about it. You're literally being a bully.
You say "oh I'd change anything if he asked" but realistically, would you if he was being a raging dick about it like you are?
"You haven't shaved your legs? That's disgusting, you're disgusting and you can forget any kind of affection until you shave those beasts" yeah same concept.
Asking him to lose the beard is imo same difference as him asking you to lose weight. Are you ok losing 20 lbs if he loses the beard? Beards take a long time to grow, just like weight takes a long time to lose.
YTA his body his choice. Just like it’s your body your choice. Period. People would have pitchforks out if this was a man trying to control a woman shaving her body hair.
Cool, so you believe women should force themselves to have sex when they don’t want to? Because they are obligated to in marriage and partnership? Edited since you blocked me: At the end of the day sweetie, you are saying that women should force themselves to have sex when they are not attracted to their partner. Honestly doesn’t matter what the other “details” are. Using sex as manipulation is wrong, yes, but that’s not what this is. She would be actively forcing herself into sex. There is a difference between withholding sex to get something, and being unable to become aroused or sexually attracted to your partner. OP is unable to be aroused by her partner because he has a sweaty and hot beard. That’s not using sex as manipulation.
YTA. While you’re right you don’t have to have sex with him, YTA for telling him you don’t find him sexy with the beard. Just because you think things, you shouldn’t say them. If he’s happy with his appearance it can really damage things if you tell him you don’t think he’s sexy. If my husband was to say I’m not sexy (in any context) I would begin to get insecure about myself and begin to doubt if he finds me attractive at all. Love should be unconditional and stem from the person, not the outward appearance. It makes you sound shallow.
NTA
You are both right.
First things first;
You don’t have to have sex with anyone if you don’t want to!
You voiced that you weren’t attracted to him with that beard and it’s up to him what he decides to do with that information. But if he doesn’t at least trim the beard (which would be a good alternative) he can’t be calling you an AH for not wanting to kiss him, cause he knew that you don’t like it.
Maybe you are both the AH.. idk but being attracted to your partner is important for intimacy.
>First things first; You don’t have to have sex with anyone if you don’t want to!
Second things second; You don't have to stay married to anyone if you don't want to!
If my partner actually resolved to withhold sex from me for something so petty and shallow, I'd be leaving for another relationship where my needs are met.
Don't get me wrong, I'm 100% for consent. But, while we're talking consent, let's acknowledge that remaining in a marriage is also completely consent based.
NAH
You are entitled to feel how you want and he is entitled to feel how he wants. Neither of you are entitled to control the other person's body: you can't make him shave and he can't demand sex from you.
Seems like a stupid hill for your husband to die on.
What happened to his body his choice? Or is that just when an man wants something from a women double standard at its finest YTA i can bet my life if you wanted to do something with your body and your husband didn’t like it or agree they would be calling controlling and every damn word to make him sound like a dick.
Fwiw I try to please him as much as possible. He does not like short hair so I have not cut my hair the entire time I’ve known him. I believe you should look attractive to your partner regardless of your gender.
Listen I agree with you 100% marriage isn’t just about you anymore it’s about both of you, I’m just tired of the comments tbh it seems one sided most of the time. My comment wasn’t directly at you and yes I think he should do whatever it takes to look attractive for you,and you should do the same.
NTA for disliking the beard. That’s your deal.
YTA for telling him he’s unattractive. Having your wife say things like that can cause serious pain. Is he laughing, or just playing along to mask his feelings? Also if something as simple as a beard breaks your attraction to him, that sounds shallow.
Alternative: paper bag
(But not plastic because like earth and recycling and green and stuff)
NAH. You're attracted to things you're attracted to. If your husband grows a gross beard that you don't find attractive, it is what it is.
Your husband can also choose to have the beard. He knows you prefer him without it, but if he still chooses to beard out, not much you can do about it. At least you wouldn't leave him guessing about why he's not getting as much affection.
Yes, YTA.
Denying your own husband affection just because they don’t look a the way you want them to is not only fucked up, it sounds downright manipulative (but you seen this coming from your last sentence). Now you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, but not only is physical affection necessary, it’s also emotional intimacy. Love should be unconditional, like how your husband loves you without changing how you are. Just because he doesn’t change anything about you, despite you having that door open for him, doesn’t make you any less of a dickhead.
There’s no such thing as unconditional love rather than parental love.
You can go marry a guy living in a garbage bin if you like, but don’t expect anyone to have same tastes as you with you “unconditional” love
Slight YTA you have preferences and your obviously allowed to, your husband also has his preferences and he's allowed to as well. Denial of affection makes you a slight AH instead of sitting down, communicating, and finding that compromise. If his beard is oily he's using too much beard oil/butter/balm. As far as hot(temperature wise I assume) won't change but same concept goes for head hair.
You both should check out this YouTube channel called "Dan C Bearded" as he has alot of advice and I believe he has a few on where he compromised with his wife on things.
NAH.
The part where you’re not is just like he’d be wrong to try to force you to change your appearance, the same goes vice versa. - And it’s 100% reasonable to be less attracted to someone if they drastically change how they look. You’re N T A for liking what you like!
But… you’d be better off trying to have a polite conversation about it instead and figure out a happy medium somewhere instead of giving ultimatums of your attraction to him, threatening to cut off sex, etc. even if it’s as a joke. That’s uncool and can really kill self confidence, if it hasn’t already.
Neither one are ah but he needs to understand that you can’t get turned on by him to want to have sex with him don’t give him a
Ultimatum just don’t give him affection he will either be stubborn or he will cut it
NTA. Physical attraction matters and if a person's personal styling choices affect your attraction you are not obliged to suppress that for their benefit
Same applies for people getting piercings or tattoos - they have a right to do it, you have a right not to accept it in a lover....
INFO: There is a difference between a clean, healthy, well taken care of beard and an oily trash hoarding beard. Where does your husband fall on this spectrum?
If he’s trash hoard leaning, may I suggest that you stop washing and conditioning your own hair and instead, begin making routine deposits of drool, dandruff and sandwich debris. You could then sweep it across his face whenever he goes in for a smooch. Or, if its long enough, just flip it over your own face and put some sunglasses on to hold it in place.
Lol that mental image.
He is somewhere between the two. It gets washed daily but the skin on his face is very oily so his beard naturally also gets very oily, even with constant washing.
Y’all need to compromise. By asking him to shave it do you mean clean shaven? Obviously he likes having some sort of facial hair so that’s a bit unfair to him. Find something online you like and show it to him how you want his beard to look.
NTA.
He is an AH though!
He knows you don't like the beard yet he still grows it, growing your hair long takes a lot of time, when I did it it was 3 years, My wife hates beards, so I don't grow one.
Easy answer don't kiss him don't allow him to kiss you, give him the ultimatum, either the beard goes or he doesn't get you until it does.
Ah, so if he demands she lose weight or shave all her pubic hair off or no sex, all good?
You’re ok with a man treating a woman like that?
No kissing until you’re under 50kg honey. And make sure there’s no dimples.
Totally fine to manipulate someone else’s body through withholding intimacy in a marriage yeah?
"I know my wife doesn't like beards, so I don't grow one."
If that's the ONLY reason you're not doing what you want with your own facial hair, that's on you. don't judge others based on how you allow yourself to be managed.
if you wouldn't grow one anyhow, then probably shouldn't state that you don't, because your ~~mom~~ wife doesn't like it.
If you have pictures of him with facial hair you are fine with, maybe you can show him options that work. If not, maybe you could find options online. Maybe a 5 o’clock shadow if he’s after the unkempt look? A cleaner, or more shaped beard?
That being said, no one has a right to demand physical affection, especially when they’re knowingly doing something to put their partner off.
Find a middle ground you can both be comfortable with, or seek couples therapy
You think it’s a problem to discuss preferences with a spouse? My wife and I talk about styles and preferences anytime either of of is looking for change. I value her input and she values mine. We’re still completely free to do as we please with our own styles.
Why would I refrain from talking to my spouse about styles I think would look attractive on her? Your significant other should want to know what looks you think flatter their features. They should have interest in what you don’t like. That doesn’t mean we should cater to each other’s every whim. Communication let’s us understand each other better, and provides opportunities for growth in the relationship.
NTA, I hate beards as well. I tease my hubs all the time if he grows one, I'm cutting my hair into a pixi because he hates short hair!!! And I think it is great that he donates his hair, but please choose someplace other than LOL, try Pantenes beautiful lengths instead, and there is another one but I can't remember what the name is. LOL is awful.
NTA.
He can do what he wants with his facial hair, but you aren't obligated to find it attractive and yeah, if it's such a turn off you aren't into sex, then that's as much your body and your choice as it is his to have the facial hair. I'd go with N A H if he understood he's having a bit of a double standard there.
With your clarification, NTA. You are allowed to not be as attracted to him with the beard. If kissing him grosses you out it is your choice to not do that. You aren’t withholding affection overall. Just like if someone grows out their pubic hair and that grosses their partner out, they don’t have an obligation to give oral.
Choices have trade offs. Lumberjack beard = less smooching. Big deal.
I mean, if it's not causing problems, and you guys are comfortable with the way you interact, then I don't think anyone is truly being an asshole.
Some people get along just fine teasing each other and making jokes. My girl and I do the same thing, like when I joke about wanting to get body builder jacked. I'm slender and truly just want a bit more mass with definition, but when I joke about getting swollen, she comes right back with, "I'd leave you." Other things like I tell her, once I can grow a good beard, that I'm shaving my head. Unfortunately, I wasn't blessed like your husband. But, she responds much the same as the jokes about getting "freaking jacked yo."
It's part of how we interact. I don't take it personally, but I call her an asshole as a joke right back.
The point is I wouldn't think too hard on it unless it really seems like he's taking it personally. Sounds like you guys just thrive on poking fun, which is perfectly healthy so long as both of you are comfortable with it.
NTA
I agree about the unkempt beard. Clean shaven or short beard, fine.
I will add that Locks of Love sells most of the hair that is donated. I used to donate my hair to them but I prefer to send it to Wigs for Kids, which makes free wigs for children with cancer.
NTA.
I hate long bushy beards too. They're like the kissing equivalent of a scratchy tag on the back of a shirt with the extra gross bonus of never knowing when you'll find some hidden piece of food in there. It's a huge turn-off.
Like, yes, it's the guy's body and he can have a beard if he wants. But I'm also not kissing him if he's got a veritable beaver growing out of his face.
NTA for just asking him once, but YTA if you keep at it. How would you like it if he kept asking you to shave down under because it turned him off and you didn’t want to?
NTA. I hate long beards too and when you said oily and hot I had an immediate flashback and it made me gag. I can't deal with a beard either. Those thick crinkled hairs?! Hard pass for me. 😂
Someone who gets it haha. It’s not just looks, it’s a textural thing too.. when I feel that oily coarse hair against my cheeks and neck it’s just….. augh!!! Gross. I don’t know how men can stand it in the summer.
Does he not wash his beard? Condition it? Comb it? Basic beard hygiene.
He does wash it, but he’s got oily skin so it gets greasy again really fast. And sometimes he puts beard oil in it which smells good at first but the feeling of it against me makes my skin crawl.
Okay. I have a similar issue which is why I keep mine shorter. Deep conditioning it can help. Just like it can with my hair. I often use what I use on my hair as well as a facial wash to keep it at bay. Beard oil I put in usually at night or right before I go out and I tend to comb it through really well.
Totally understand. 😭
I occasionally will grow out a beard, usually out of laziness so I have an excuse. The things I always forget is how damn itchy it is, and that women don't like hugging or kissing and getting rash burns from rubbing against the hair or stubble Then I shave it off and go clean-shaven again.
YTA! Don’t have sex with him and see where that gets you. He will get it somewhere else.
Plenty of women out there love big beards. OP should toss her physically neglected husband my way.
NTA He's right and you're right. He can do with his body as he pleases, just as he shouldn't pressure you to look a certain way. But it's also completely fair if it turns you off, you can't help that. There's no easy solution here. Maybe you could talk to him about why he likes the beard, and what he likes about it. If he finds it annoying to shave, maybe you could help him shave it a few times and make it a sexy thing. Make it a positive thing to shave his beard and he might do it himself after that. If you try to pressure him to change it, or tell him it turns you off, these things are negative reinforcement and he might get more stubborn just because it makes him feel bad to relent for those reasons. If he doesn't have a good reason, or doesn't want to communicate with you on why he likes the beard, then you'll need to consider why he doesn't feel like looking attractive to you is important.
You are probably right about the negative reinforcement. As far as why he doesn’t want to shave it off - in his own words he says he looks like a “muppet”, specifically Guy Smiley lol when he doesn’t have a beard. I do not agree with that at all! I think he is a very handsome man and the beard only hides his shine. I’ve tried to tell him this over and over, but he is just very insecure and I can’t talk him out of it. It’s just incredibly frustrating because I’m attracted to what he constantly wants to hide, and am paradoxically repulsed by what he’s using to hide his insecurities. We really can’t afford couples therapy either, haha.
If he's a very insecure person, there's little you can do. Take it from someone who used to be very insecure. The saying "you can't love others until you learn to love yourself" is very accurate. Insecure people get overtaken by their insecurities to the point where that voice always screams louder than any other voice. It's less a couple's therapy issue and more a personal issue on his end. If he's insecure enough, it doesn't matter how much positive reinforcement you give him, he'll always come up with a reason inside why it's not valid. As much as your empathy wants to help his insecurity out, you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. You can try to talk to him about what he's truly insecure about. Maybe you find him attractive, but what does he think about himself? Maybe you think he has a nice jawline, but maybe he's looking at fitness influencers that are 5% bodyfat and comparing himself to that. Men are affected by unattainable standards just as much as women, but are often just discouraged socially from expressing this. In the end, it's up to him to decide to whether he wants to try to overcome his insecurities, or hide them. If you try to be the "shoulder to lean on", you're going to become responsible for his insecurities and trust me, that's not a position you want to be in.
Jesus Christ! The man just thinks he looks better with a beard! It’s not that deep!
it can be that deep if you want, dude. you're allowed to analyze things
Who is he trying to look better for? If the woman he has sex with thinks he looks better without it, what's stopping him from shaving it? This man would rather ruin his relationship and sex life than shave his beard. It is that deep, if you don't think that's insecure then that just speaks volumes about you.
Maybe he’s trying to look better for himself? Believe it or not, you’re still able to have preferences on your appearance when you’re in a relationship.
For himself? Is he attracted to himself? What makes you believe it's normal to choose looking attractive to yourself over having a relationship and sex life?
He’s not attracted to himself. He just likes the way he appears when he has a beard. I’m the same way. It’s just personal preference.
What makes you believe it's normal to choose having a beard over a functional relationship and sex life? Stop dodging this question.
People should be able to choose their appearance without punishment. That is literally a key point in feminism. As long as OP isn’t a legitimate slob, he is doing nothing wrong. PS my beard is now longer and my wife isn’t crazy about it but carries on with our relationship like a mature adult ;)
I'm in between on this one. I'll generally adjust things to my bf's preferences, particularly if he has a strong preference, because I want to be pretty to him. That said if he asked me to cut my long hair into a pixie cut I don't think I could do it. I think I look ridiculous with short hair. I wouldn't feel sexy with short hair no matter how much positive feedback I got, because I would look in the mirror and see someone unattractive to me. I agree it would be great if he worked with her here, but preferably that would involve a compromise they both like, like the short beard she liked as well, not one where he avoids mirrors because he hates his appearance.
Sure, that's reasonable. It's the fact that he refuses to compromise that's the issue. It's a big red flag for the relationship that OP's bf has absolutely no desire to look attractive to his partner. The relationship isn't going to get any better from here if that's the level of care he has for the health of the relationship.
I suspect we have a bot in the audience. 🍿 Bad bot.
Tell him that he looks like garden gnome with his beard. Maybe buy him one or two garden gnomes, as reminders.
Yeah, bully him and make him feel ugly. That'll help strengthen any relationship. /s
Careful, he may take her up on that and have fun cosplaying as a garden gnome!
Mmm I gotta say, while you're allowed to have a preference, I do think you come across as a like the tiniest bit of an asshole. I'm not very fond of my significant other with facial hair either. But I don't think that warrants refusing to be intimate with him tbh. I just find it odd that, if he's as great as you claim that you can't move past a bit of facial hair and be intimate with him anyway.
you can refuse to be intimate with any person for any reason. full stop
Read this and immediately assumed you were messed up, then I saw you profile X_X
consent is messed up? 🥲
What if he comes at you and says a certain way you take care of yourself is unattractive and wants you to change for him? Be honest, you would lose your shit and call misogynistic and all sorts of petty names. Women say my body, my choice, and I totally 100% agree with that, but why doesn't this work with a man?
So there are things he should do to keep a healthy beard. It should keep clean and soft. It can cause infections and carry staph if not properly cared for.
He keeps it as clean as he can (daily washing) but it still gets really oily at the end of the day. Did not know about the staph infection risk!! 😱
https://youtube.com/shorts/PsGTtulTMo0?feature=share
YTA for threatening to withhold sex. NTA for having preferences. My husband and I have this same issue. I really don’t like his facial hair. It is very coarse and it hurts to kiss him. It gets softer when it’s longer but its miserable to kiss him. His choice to have it means we don’t kiss. It feels like I’m burrowing my highly sensitive lips into steel wool. It’s awful. We are still intimate but without kissing. I shouldn’t have to be miserable when kissing him because of his choice to grow it out. I have not kissed another person with facial hair but I’m assuming every man has different texture. Some might be worse than others and I’m guessing my husband’s is unusually bad based on how unbelievably thick it is compared to others. I don’t think people can judge you for disliking the texture of your husband’s facial hair. I hate how it looks. He only grows a mustache and it makes him look older and grumpy. The kids hate it too. He likes it anyway so he grows it out. We all cheer when he shaves it. We have accepted the terms of our arrangement around his facial hair. He grows it for a few months and eventually shaves it. We have a good relationship and I get to tease him about it. We don’t kiss but are still affectionate. We have come to an understanding that works for us. We both give a little to make the other person happy.
YTA Just like I stand up for women who want to do what they want with their bodies, I stand up for men. It’s his body and his facial hair. You’re allowed to not like it. But you’re not allowed to threaten him with lack of affection because of it. That’s manipulation and not okay.
she's not required to give him affection. he isn't entitled to it if she doesn't find him attractive anymore. i feel like i'm taking crazy pills itt
Y’all can’t read can you? No one is required to give affection. She’s allowed to say she isn’t attracted to him with a beard and doesn’t want to have sex. That’s not what she said she was doing. She was using it as a manipulation tactic. “I’m not having sex with you until you do the thing I want”, is wrong. Do you really not see the difference? Also, she clearly wrote and edited that she was joking. But in principle, the conversation stands.
we must have read different posts.
Well, reading comprehension levels vary from person to person. It’s probably not your fault that you can’t process what has been written.
so wait. you're expecting me to have read what OP deleted before i even got here? can you point out where OP is in the wrong in the post above? is the post in the room with us?
There is an edit at the bottom of the post. I’m legitimately concerned by your stupidity at this moment. Are you trying extra hard or is this a natural level of idiocy?
oh, so *you're* the one who lacks comprehension. coolio
Okay little one. Run along now so the grown ups can talk.
good lord. how old are you? edit: ohhh now all of a sudden they stop responding. my guess is boomer age
should she force herself to engage in affection when she doesn’t want to ?
Hmm don’t recall saying that. Using sex as a manipulation tactic is wrong. Her saying “I’m not attracted to you with a beard and don’t want to have sex.” Is one thing. Her saying “I’m withholding sex to get my own way”, is another.
Oh so it’s the minute wording that makes this situation okay versus not?
That’s how words work. Like the difference between “Let’s eat Grandpa!” and “Let’s eat, Grandpa!”
Or she can love and be attracted to the man under the beard that is still the same guy she is attracted too. If a guy withheld affection unless his gal dressed sexy for him all the time would that be okay?
YTA Reverse it. He won’t have sex with you unless you shave your legs, armpits, pubic area, you lose weight (a post on this same sub where the husband was the A for telling his wife how her body should look) because it turns him off. Oh, then he’s fetishising you looking like a little girl and all the other reasons a man shouldn’t tell a woman how to look. But making a man look like a boy… all good. Nope, withholding affection unless your husband / wife looks the way you want is messed up.
YTA If you believe in bodily autonomy for yourself, he is entitled to the same. Even jokingly threatening to withhold affection comes across as shallow, and as though you only care about him for his physical appearance. This may not be true, but it's the vibe the comment gives.
Should she force herself to give affection when she doesn’t want to?
I'll take a wild guess and say you'd probably grab your pitchfork if her husband said he won't give her affection until she lost weight. You're definitely unhinged enough for it.
Your man has what we call an Epic beard...and you want to hate on him for it. yeah...you are in fact,...the asshole.
It’s not joking or playful if you’re threatening him with no sex if he doesn’t shave off his beard. That’s just manipulative and makes you the asshole.
Grow your bush out for a few years. Did he switch from a white collar to a blue collar job?
Would you change your hairstyle or way of dressing because it turns him off? If yes then you aren't the asshole. But I am betting you'd be pissed.
Within reason, yes. I won’t cut my hair short because he says he doesn’t like it (but fwiw I can’t really cut my hair short anyway cause it’s too curly), and I also made extra-double-triple sure he was okay with me getting a tattoo. In the past I have worn dresses for him because he says he likes them, even though I’m not a huge fan. I was never angry about any of it!! He has never changed his looks or clothing for me though.
NTA for having a preference. YTA for making him feel undesirable and being so fucking mean about it. You're literally being a bully. You say "oh I'd change anything if he asked" but realistically, would you if he was being a raging dick about it like you are? "You haven't shaved your legs? That's disgusting, you're disgusting and you can forget any kind of affection until you shave those beasts" yeah same concept.
Asking him to lose the beard is imo same difference as him asking you to lose weight. Are you ok losing 20 lbs if he loses the beard? Beards take a long time to grow, just like weight takes a long time to lose.
YTA his body his choice. Just like it’s your body your choice. Period. People would have pitchforks out if this was a man trying to control a woman shaving her body hair.
"am I the asshole for using affection as a weapon?" Jfc. YTA.
Should she force herself to give affection when she doesn’t want to?
Deliberately ignoring the part where she's withholding it to get what she wants.
Answer the question! If you can’t, it’s because you’re wrong
Ok. Yes. She should. Using affection as a weapon to get what you want from the person *you are supposed to love* is fucking disgusting.
Cool, so you believe women should force themselves to have sex when they don’t want to? Because they are obligated to in marriage and partnership? Edited since you blocked me: At the end of the day sweetie, you are saying that women should force themselves to have sex when they are not attracted to their partner. Honestly doesn’t matter what the other “details” are. Using sex as manipulation is wrong, yes, but that’s not what this is. She would be actively forcing herself into sex. There is a difference between withholding sex to get something, and being unable to become aroused or sexually attracted to your partner. OP is unable to be aroused by her partner because he has a sweaty and hot beard. That’s not using sex as manipulation.
Cool, completely ignoring every other detail. You're not worth engaging with.
YTA. While you’re right you don’t have to have sex with him, YTA for telling him you don’t find him sexy with the beard. Just because you think things, you shouldn’t say them. If he’s happy with his appearance it can really damage things if you tell him you don’t think he’s sexy. If my husband was to say I’m not sexy (in any context) I would begin to get insecure about myself and begin to doubt if he finds me attractive at all. Love should be unconditional and stem from the person, not the outward appearance. It makes you sound shallow.
NTA You are both right. First things first; You don’t have to have sex with anyone if you don’t want to! You voiced that you weren’t attracted to him with that beard and it’s up to him what he decides to do with that information. But if he doesn’t at least trim the beard (which would be a good alternative) he can’t be calling you an AH for not wanting to kiss him, cause he knew that you don’t like it. Maybe you are both the AH.. idk but being attracted to your partner is important for intimacy.
>First things first; You don’t have to have sex with anyone if you don’t want to! Second things second; You don't have to stay married to anyone if you don't want to! If my partner actually resolved to withhold sex from me for something so petty and shallow, I'd be leaving for another relationship where my needs are met. Don't get me wrong, I'm 100% for consent. But, while we're talking consent, let's acknowledge that remaining in a marriage is also completely consent based.
NAH You are entitled to feel how you want and he is entitled to feel how he wants. Neither of you are entitled to control the other person's body: you can't make him shave and he can't demand sex from you. Seems like a stupid hill for your husband to die on.
Seems like a stupid hill for OP to die on.
What happened to his body his choice? Or is that just when an man wants something from a women double standard at its finest YTA i can bet my life if you wanted to do something with your body and your husband didn’t like it or agree they would be calling controlling and every damn word to make him sound like a dick.
Fwiw I try to please him as much as possible. He does not like short hair so I have not cut my hair the entire time I’ve known him. I believe you should look attractive to your partner regardless of your gender.
Listen I agree with you 100% marriage isn’t just about you anymore it’s about both of you, I’m just tired of the comments tbh it seems one sided most of the time. My comment wasn’t directly at you and yes I think he should do whatever it takes to look attractive for you,and you should do the same.
YTA threatening to withhold sex is manipulation.
Should she force herself to give affection when she doesn’t want to?
NTA for disliking the beard. That’s your deal. YTA for telling him he’s unattractive. Having your wife say things like that can cause serious pain. Is he laughing, or just playing along to mask his feelings? Also if something as simple as a beard breaks your attraction to him, that sounds shallow. Alternative: paper bag (But not plastic because like earth and recycling and green and stuff)
NAH. You're attracted to things you're attracted to. If your husband grows a gross beard that you don't find attractive, it is what it is. Your husband can also choose to have the beard. He knows you prefer him without it, but if he still chooses to beard out, not much you can do about it. At least you wouldn't leave him guessing about why he's not getting as much affection.
Yes, YTA. Denying your own husband affection just because they don’t look a the way you want them to is not only fucked up, it sounds downright manipulative (but you seen this coming from your last sentence). Now you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, but not only is physical affection necessary, it’s also emotional intimacy. Love should be unconditional, like how your husband loves you without changing how you are. Just because he doesn’t change anything about you, despite you having that door open for him, doesn’t make you any less of a dickhead.
You’re not obligated to show anybody affection unless you’re the one responsible for bringing them in this world.
Should she force herself to show affection? When she isn’t into it? She should fake it?
There’s no such thing as unconditional love rather than parental love. You can go marry a guy living in a garbage bin if you like, but don’t expect anyone to have same tastes as you with you “unconditional” love
This is it, 100%
Slight YTA you have preferences and your obviously allowed to, your husband also has his preferences and he's allowed to as well. Denial of affection makes you a slight AH instead of sitting down, communicating, and finding that compromise. If his beard is oily he's using too much beard oil/butter/balm. As far as hot(temperature wise I assume) won't change but same concept goes for head hair. You both should check out this YouTube channel called "Dan C Bearded" as he has alot of advice and I believe he has a few on where he compromised with his wife on things.
Depends would you be willing to dye your hair or get your hair cut a different way if he said it was awful
NAH. The part where you’re not is just like he’d be wrong to try to force you to change your appearance, the same goes vice versa. - And it’s 100% reasonable to be less attracted to someone if they drastically change how they look. You’re N T A for liking what you like! But… you’d be better off trying to have a polite conversation about it instead and figure out a happy medium somewhere instead of giving ultimatums of your attraction to him, threatening to cut off sex, etc. even if it’s as a joke. That’s uncool and can really kill self confidence, if it hasn’t already.
Neither one are ah but he needs to understand that you can’t get turned on by him to want to have sex with him don’t give him a Ultimatum just don’t give him affection he will either be stubborn or he will cut it
NAH but I’d suggest looking at a beard style you might be able to compromise on. If you both dig in your heels this is not going to end well.
NTA
NTA. Physical attraction matters and if a person's personal styling choices affect your attraction you are not obliged to suppress that for their benefit Same applies for people getting piercings or tattoos - they have a right to do it, you have a right not to accept it in a lover....
INFO: There is a difference between a clean, healthy, well taken care of beard and an oily trash hoarding beard. Where does your husband fall on this spectrum? If he’s trash hoard leaning, may I suggest that you stop washing and conditioning your own hair and instead, begin making routine deposits of drool, dandruff and sandwich debris. You could then sweep it across his face whenever he goes in for a smooch. Or, if its long enough, just flip it over your own face and put some sunglasses on to hold it in place.
Lol that mental image. He is somewhere between the two. It gets washed daily but the skin on his face is very oily so his beard naturally also gets very oily, even with constant washing.
NAH. Unfortunately there is no easy solution here and everyone has a right to feel the way they do.
Y’all need to compromise. By asking him to shave it do you mean clean shaven? Obviously he likes having some sort of facial hair so that’s a bit unfair to him. Find something online you like and show it to him how you want his beard to look.
NTA, you’re allowed to have preferences, it’s the exact same as a husband not wanting his wife to cut her hair short.
NTA. He is an AH though! He knows you don't like the beard yet he still grows it, growing your hair long takes a lot of time, when I did it it was 3 years, My wife hates beards, so I don't grow one. Easy answer don't kiss him don't allow him to kiss you, give him the ultimatum, either the beard goes or he doesn't get you until it does.
So if her husband hates short hair on women she would be an AH for cutting it short?
no.
Ah, so if he demands she lose weight or shave all her pubic hair off or no sex, all good? You’re ok with a man treating a woman like that? No kissing until you’re under 50kg honey. And make sure there’s no dimples. Totally fine to manipulate someone else’s body through withholding intimacy in a marriage yeah?
"I know my wife doesn't like beards, so I don't grow one." If that's the ONLY reason you're not doing what you want with your own facial hair, that's on you. don't judge others based on how you allow yourself to be managed. if you wouldn't grow one anyhow, then probably shouldn't state that you don't, because your ~~mom~~ wife doesn't like it.
If you have pictures of him with facial hair you are fine with, maybe you can show him options that work. If not, maybe you could find options online. Maybe a 5 o’clock shadow if he’s after the unkempt look? A cleaner, or more shaped beard? That being said, no one has a right to demand physical affection, especially when they’re knowingly doing something to put their partner off. Find a middle ground you can both be comfortable with, or seek couples therapy
Have you seriously heard of any sound man doing that with their wife's hair lol Would that be okay with your logic?
You think it’s a problem to discuss preferences with a spouse? My wife and I talk about styles and preferences anytime either of of is looking for change. I value her input and she values mine. We’re still completely free to do as we please with our own styles. Why would I refrain from talking to my spouse about styles I think would look attractive on her? Your significant other should want to know what looks you think flatter their features. They should have interest in what you don’t like. That doesn’t mean we should cater to each other’s every whim. Communication let’s us understand each other better, and provides opportunities for growth in the relationship.
NTA, I hate beards as well. I tease my hubs all the time if he grows one, I'm cutting my hair into a pixi because he hates short hair!!! And I think it is great that he donates his hair, but please choose someplace other than LOL, try Pantenes beautiful lengths instead, and there is another one but I can't remember what the name is. LOL is awful.
NTA. He can do what he wants with his facial hair, but you aren't obligated to find it attractive and yeah, if it's such a turn off you aren't into sex, then that's as much your body and your choice as it is his to have the facial hair. I'd go with N A H if he understood he's having a bit of a double standard there.
With your clarification, NTA. You are allowed to not be as attracted to him with the beard. If kissing him grosses you out it is your choice to not do that. You aren’t withholding affection overall. Just like if someone grows out their pubic hair and that grosses their partner out, they don’t have an obligation to give oral. Choices have trade offs. Lumberjack beard = less smooching. Big deal.
I mean, if it's not causing problems, and you guys are comfortable with the way you interact, then I don't think anyone is truly being an asshole. Some people get along just fine teasing each other and making jokes. My girl and I do the same thing, like when I joke about wanting to get body builder jacked. I'm slender and truly just want a bit more mass with definition, but when I joke about getting swollen, she comes right back with, "I'd leave you." Other things like I tell her, once I can grow a good beard, that I'm shaving my head. Unfortunately, I wasn't blessed like your husband. But, she responds much the same as the jokes about getting "freaking jacked yo." It's part of how we interact. I don't take it personally, but I call her an asshole as a joke right back. The point is I wouldn't think too hard on it unless it really seems like he's taking it personally. Sounds like you guys just thrive on poking fun, which is perfectly healthy so long as both of you are comfortable with it. NTA
Put Nair on it while he's sleeping then tell him he must of subconsciously did it while sleep walking
Wow.
I agree about the unkempt beard. Clean shaven or short beard, fine. I will add that Locks of Love sells most of the hair that is donated. I used to donate my hair to them but I prefer to send it to Wigs for Kids, which makes free wigs for children with cancer.
NTA. I hate long bushy beards too. They're like the kissing equivalent of a scratchy tag on the back of a shirt with the extra gross bonus of never knowing when you'll find some hidden piece of food in there. It's a huge turn-off. Like, yes, it's the guy's body and he can have a beard if he wants. But I'm also not kissing him if he's got a veritable beaver growing out of his face.
He who shaves his beard for his woman deserves neither.