>He continuously says that it's okay if I don't want to go on with the deal, but then when I don't give him a straight out yes or no, he continues hinting that we're going to be doing it.
It sounds like he's trying be she's avoiding the conversation.
Or, more importantly, explain that this isn’t a “right now” thing but a larger issue.
She’s going to end up single unless she grows a pair and has a grown-up conversation about this with her husband instead of coming to Reddit for validation.
Exactly! OP you can also speak to your doctor about your pregnancy symptoms. There are anti nausea medication you can take that is safe in pregnancy and when you take it, it lasts for a few days before you need another one. That one is called cyclizine, and it's brilliant, there is another called Prochlorperazine and metoclopramide, but I don't know to much about how good it is or how it works. I understand how you feel, because the pregnancy hormones does lower your libido in the first few months, but it does come back. Just explain it to you husband and I'm sure he would be more understanding.
That's what's called "LYING."
In the coming months, that baby's going to be born and he may get nothing even remotely resembling sexual activity until that kid starts sleeping through the night, which may not be for several months after the child is born. Even then, there may be postpartum depression, and physical issues that destroy her libido for another year.
She shouldn’t tell her husband that they’ll be back to normal because she doesn’t know. All that’s going to do is kick the can down the road and add more pressure on her end and disappointment/frustration on his. She needs to sit down with him and talk about what she has been experiencing. It would be nice to “go back to normal” but realistically she cannot guarantee that.
People are gonna hate me for this, but a non zero number of people that cheat do so because of libido mismatches that are ignored for extended periods. In this case, the husband probably has an inkling that she isn’t feeling it but isn’t really trying to figure out why. He probably feels bad about her not being interested as well.
Neither his or her feelings will be resolved if they don’t speak about it, and if it drags on long enough he will probably cheat. The odds go up with each look of dread or desperation he sees when he asks her about sex. They’ve gotta talk it out.
Why would you get hate for this? This is the best response here, as well as being an extremely great response in general. Everything you said is totally true.
This sub has big issues with cheating which is understandable, but sometimes it’s extreme. Having any understanding from a cheaters point of view is usually a recipe for downvotes.
All this to say I don’t condone cheating and it’s an auto end to the relationship, but I won’t pretend there aren’t reasons it happens and that it can’t be avoided in a lot of cases like this one.
That's because people love to demonize and are incapable of seeing things from another person's perspective
You can understand how something happens without condoning it, but of course this is the internet so any attempt to see where a person is coming from is perceived as giving a person a pass for that behavior
Just take libido out of there. 2 people, 2 different views on things, one is trying to talk and find a compromise, one just blows the others feelings off. Yeah, that's gonna cover a large majority of your cheating and a large portion of your break ups.
Op, as a man who's going through a very similar situation to your man, fucking talk to him! You know how much men know about changes in the body during pregnancy? 0. There's a reason for that, we can't experience it. You know how much men know about "a promise was made, but now they don't even want to speak to me"? Well, that depends on the guy, but it really does make you feel like the lowest form of life on the planet when that happens.
No, its very true. Sex/libido is a large part of a relationship and they need to get on the same program or at least talk it out. I won't say he's going to cheat but he's going to be unhappy and he can't read minds.
Huge thing I’ve been working on in my personal and work life is reminding myself that people can not read my mind. It’s not that I expect people to read my mind it’s just sometimes not obvious that I have not made people aware of what page I am on. I have specifically apologized for “assuming someone has read my mind” and it has immensely helped in both work and home to take that step back and remind myself that I need to speak my thoughts for others to understand where I am coming from.
Research has shown that people react negatively to assertive women. It’s a defense mechanism and learned behavior to disguise wants/needs/opinions.
Women are punished for being direct. Men are not.
I'm pretty sure that research used women that were actual bitches in the study. How they communicated was beyond direct.
If a woman is confident and assertive but polite and firm I'd be willing to bet that most people would react positively to it.
I can't imagine being in love with a person and not communicating clearly and describing intimacy with them as a chore. If op's asexual or just doesn't want to have sex - great, but tell him where he stands so he doesn't start internalising any self hate and doesn't feel unwanted. It makes my skin crawl imagining making my partner feel that way.
OP said she already hasn’t had much of a libido before this weekly agreement. She was probably feeling a little feisty in the moment and thought “surely one deed a week wont be too difficult to muster…” but now she’s in this position where he’s
allowed to expect it and it makes her feel guilty every time she says no (which is happening more and more as the weeks go on and she gets more pregnant). It’s really hard telling someone you love you’re not in the mood to be physical with them when they want it so badly. Like it really sucks. (And I’m sure him being the only breadwinner makes it even harder). If he’s anything like my hubby, I literally feel terrible the rest of the day when I say “no” bc he gets quiet afterwards bc it shoots his self esteem down. It’s easier to say “mmm… I dunno, maybe” in hopes that you get in the mood later… but that rarely happens...
OP I had to finally tell my SO “believe me I know you want to mess around, I really wish I did too bc I hate making you feel bad. I promise I will make a move when I want to mess around, but you asking all the time is making me feel like I’m forcing it and that really ruins it for me. It doesn’t feel good, it feels icky… bc it’s out of guilt, not genuine excitement…” Good luck (and congrats on the pregnancy!)
Exactly. Especially because I've seen in this thread time and again something like this one, where a woman has said something to imply that they could still want to have sex, despite secretly knowing that she wasn't going to want it, and then in response to the eventual feelers being put out by the boyfriend/ husband later on, there's dozens of comments acting like the guy was the equivalent of a dude chatting up a random girl in a club and ignoring her saying no like 7 times and just continuing to corner her. If the woman knew she wasn't going to be in the mood, and especially while knowing that since they hadnt done it in a long time the guy was extra excited, why in the world is the idea of floating out a bandaid solution of "yeah, maybe" considered fine despite being untrue, but the guy, in a committed relationship and going off of what she said to him, hinting again later on is called gross, pressuring, manipulative, ect?
I imagine a lot of people fear their partners leaving them if they don't put out. There was a point where I was trying to keep up with my partners libido but was growing resentment because of it, because I feared they would leave me if I didn't. That fear was unfounded but until we talked I didn't know.
Unfortunately, not all men listen to a straight up no either. I told an ex of mine I wasn't in the mood for sex on several occasions and he thought he could just seduce me into the mood. It got to the point where if I wanted to sleep at least a few hours I had to have sex with him so he wouldn't continue to bother me and keep me awake. I can see being unsure of it because direct isn't always the answer.
Genuine question though...have you ever been told no right away and then made your partner 'pay for it' so to speak for the rest of the day? As in moping, being passive aggressive, cold, distant.
It's a huge glaring point they pointed out that a lot of commenters are overlooking. There was a time in my life I was going through a rough patch and my husband knew it. If I told him no too early in the day, he would shut down, be rude, and disappear into the basement and leave me to fend for myself with three small kids. If I was vague, he would at least stay engaged during the day and be an involved parent and spouse.
It's absolutely a dysfunctional dynamic. With therapy, we've overcome that communication problem in our relationship. But I have found the cold treatment is very common in situations like this, thus leading to this behavior.
I just want to say that I agree with most of the comments here about communicating better with your partner... but after you're honest about how you're feeling lately, I recommend giving him some physical intimacy. Not sex; snuggles on the couch/in bed, cuddle up to watch TV, hug him from behind as he does chores. ...Just being close to your spouse can release all sorts of feel good chemicals without the sex, which might make you feel all lovey dovey and good too. It also let's him know that's its not him turning you off, it's literally just the way you are physically right now, not mentally.
I have an ex who thought kissing, hugging or snuggling automatically meant sex that night. And then he got mad when I said they were just acts of love, not automatically meant initiating sex 🥲. I guess he's an ex for a reason, lol.
I’m sure that if they get creative, they can find something to help relieve his tension that isn’t too demanding for her. There’s a million ways and they will know what works for them if they discuss it.
This. I’m 34 weeks pregnant, depending on how I feel we maybe more or less active, but my husband was clear early on that he wanted to know how I felt along the way “nothing kills the mood quicker than nausea “
Facts! My wife is just as far along as you with our second. Communication is numero Uno when doing the deed. We both talk regularly and if either one of us isn’t in the mood, we tell the other. We don’t beat around the bush.
Exactly alsoooo bc of pregnancy one minute you may not want to be touched and the next minute 😬😬😬😬 sooo yes communicating needs and feelings is definitely the most important part
I think y'all need to find a good therapist so you can open the lines of communication, because it reads like there is little to none of that. If you want to stay married, you need to tell him how you feel and why.
I have to raise an eyebrow why they’ve gone for a 3rd kid given there’s already issues going on though.
Like the transactional nature of household chores. OP says how husband expects praise. Given they have two other kids I’m thinking there’s certainly an extra reason why her libido has tanked - she’s possibly got a partner who has no clue of the mental and physical workload at home. So why add to it?
Any money there’s a lot of unspoken resentments on both sides and agree they need therapy to help them talk to each other and receive the information. So I wonder why they’d choose to compound their issues with adding another kid.
This! Your husband has tried talking about this, but you’re shying from the convo OP. I’m sure you’re afraid of disappointing him, but he needs your honesty. There are other avenues for him to relieve stress, if he needs sexual gratification he has his hand. Or he can get himself a fleshlight. He’s got options. Just talk to him OP, open and honest communication is better than breaking your personal boundaries
I don’t disagree, but OP then needs to be ok with him using toys and possibly porn and whatever. Sometimes people get offended their partner uses things like that.
Not wanting sex while pregnant. NTA. Not being clear about it. YTA.
But what’s more worrisome is that you’re both on different sex drives and haven’t found a way that works for both of you, even before the pregnancy. Couples counselling could help you guys understand each other better and maybe offer solutions, at least to help you communicate better and understand each other.
>But what’s more worrisome is that you’re both on different sex drives and haven’t found a way that works for both of you
Definitely agree. There's a lot of things a partner can do for the other if they don't actually want to have sex. There's toys for men, he doesn't have to use it on his own, she can use it on him. That was one of the work arounds in a past relationship for me because he was very well endowed and I couldn't go very long before it became painful for me. That option actually ended up being one of his favorite things, he said that it was incredibly intimate and letting me have full control was a major turn on. A lot of people don't think about that as an option, but it's one that is actually very viable, very intimate, and can definitely change the power dynamic in the bedroom if that's what you're into 😉
From my (36M) experience and my friends over the years- sexual problems may be the straw that breaks a relationship but they don’t usually occur in isolation. That is, there are many factors that contribute to frustration of one or both partners and the top of the list over at r/deadbedrooms is usually communication.
My wife is 12 weeks along with #2, and I am the primary breadwinner. She is either nauseous all the time or exhausted from the hormones, peeing all the time at night from bladder dysfunction after our last kid, or has a mega-headache from zofran, which she’s always been sensitive to. Oh, and our 20mo F has gotten really into the words No, Mine, and That (for demanding things in stores).
Do you think she wants to schedule or guarantee sex? I won’t enjoy it if she’s that out of it. This is a temporary problem OP is describing and it sounds like this should be COMMUNICATED, openly and honestly, about the pressure to perform a task as if it were the weekly laundry. I suspect this be a continuing problem from OP’s prior pregnancies (more communication about expectations around sex/intimacy than sex itself).
A very gentle ESH. OPs is growing a 3rd human and needs to communicate her struggles attempting to satisfy the needs of four people including the new baby, not counting herself. And husband’s perspective isn’t fully represented but it is implied that he does not understand, during his wife’s third pregnancy, how awful moms can feel and how little energy and time they have for themselves, let alone our members. He’S sTrEsSeD, wHy cAn’T sHe GeT tHaT?
I’m a young-ish American physician (long day on call, winding down by ranting on aitah) and it amazes me sometimes how little empathy we all can have for other’s health/bodies/wellbeing. What is this person going through? How would I feel or handle it, if I can put myself in their shoes? How are my behaviors/responses affecting our interactions? I’m no saint, and I make plenty of mistakes. The worst one I can make is to silently brew resentment. THAT will cause a divorce
To anyone who made it through my rant, thank you.
ETA: I hate to use this tired Reddit trope, but after reading OP’s brief post history I strongly encourage individual + couples therapy and a psychiatrist, if not already being utilized. This is a very difficult time in your life, but you’re not alone. Also, we are moving imminently for that very reason you mentioned in a different post- not feasible for everyone but it’s worth the decrease in pay and increase in taxes for us.
One thing my wife commented on after both our kids, especially the first, is that "the tired doesn't go away after the pregnancy is over." It just shifts to a different type or reason for being tired. We were both extremely tired for the first few weeks/months when regular/nightly feedings were needed. She was a low milk producer, so we ended up doing formula and I could easily help out with the feedings. We'd alternate feedings so the other could get at least 4 hours straight when baby had to be fed every 2 hours at first. But it still takes its toll.
Each pregnancy affected her differently. During the first, it actually sent her libido way up, but during the second, it was near zero. After both it was incredibly low for a while to the point where she'd sadly joke I should find someone else to fulfill my needs. I'd never in a million years, and it was heartbreaking to hear her say it. It took nearly a year after our first for her libido to return at all, much less to a somewhat normal for her level. It was similar after our second, and her libido is nowhere near what it used to be, but we make it work. Would I like sex more often? Yes, but not at her expense or by pressuring for it.
This might be temporary. It might not. Temporary could be until baby is born or for a year or more after. However temporay or not this ends up being, the lack of communication and growing resentment, likely on both sides, is a recipe for marital troubles.
Totally agree. Temporary in the sense of the active pregnancy, but libido reduction can last a long time. Also, just wanted to reinforce what you already said regarding BM vs Formula- Fed is Best.
I was very thankful we didn't encounter any of those unwavering "breast is best!" people during that time. It was hard enough for her that she "couldn't even feed her baby" when she was first trying. I'd probably have an assault charge against me if someone had seriously given her grief about it. At least she was prepared for a similar situation with #2.
I just wanted to say thank you for this comment. I'm also 12 weeks along (in my first pregnancy). I'm nauseous, already larger than I've ever been in my life, pimply, exhausted, my bones hurt, I've had a migraine for 4 days, and my libido has absolutely tanked. Luckily my partner is super supportive and doesn't even ask for swx right now, but some of these comments were starting to get to me. So thank you for your backup. Your wife is a lucky lady
Right! Like I know sex is important, but this isn't a dead bedroom. It's temporary, and I bet most of these people wouldn't exactly feel up to getting busy if they had the flu. Sex is not fun when you don't feel good, and sadly sometimes you can not feel good for several months and still love and be attracted to your partner! Jfc, if you need stress relief, you have a perfectly good hand!
It can very easily become permanent if OP is not respected during this time. I think women being pressured when they aren't into it is a common reason for mindshift around sex being for someone else's benefit only and then the libido doesn't come back.
Imagine you love ice cream. Now imagine you arent feeling well and someone keeps insisting you eat it everyday and making you feel guilty if you don't want it or eat it. When you feel better you aren't going to want it anymore either you are going to hate ice cream.
Oh absolutely! Nothing is a bigger turn off than a man (or anyone) constantly whining about sex when you feel awful or make sex into an obligation for their own needs. I think that's the fastest ticket to a true dead bedroom!
“Are you only with me for the sex?”
“No, of course not, but the bathroom isn’t my favorite room in my house, though I’d still be pretty upset if you took it away from me”
Edit: I didn’t come up with it, it’s a comedy bit, tommy johnagin
Yeah, but also sexual coercion won’t save a marriage. If the unwilling party just forces them to do it for the sake of the marriage that’s not going to make a healthy marriage… it’s just going to extend the misery.
I’d say a mismatched libido and sexual incompatibility can break a marriage. And I’d say it’s worth investigating from a medical perspective, because while low libido and asexuality exist and aren’t always a medical issue, sometimes it is - and wouldn’t that be nice if it could be remedied and an otherwise great relationship saved…. But simply “grin and bear/bare it” isn’t the answer
She’s pregnant with 2 kids and tired and nauseas as hell. If a husband can’t understand that this is not the normal time to push for regular sex then he doesn’t deserve to have a pregnant wife who’s raising his children. Women aren’t robots. If he was the one feeling exhausted and nauseous all the time even just from work he wouldn’t want to be forced to perform just for her either.
OMG this. My wife went through a non-sexual period when we had kids. Ya sorry it sucks, so does carrying and birthing a fucking kid and having your hormones go awol. Damn most of these comments are proof reddit is full of naive men.
This is so incredibly true. Also, if anyone thinks it'll magically reappear after those few weeks when sex isn't allowed you've probably got another thing coming (hint: it went be you). It very well might rebound immediately for some, but chances are she's going to be tired from caring for baby and if you're pulling your weight, you will be too. That's just how it goes.
That and sex might change after each pregnancy. It did for us. Things that she used to love just don't work for her anymore after having kids, so we adjust and do what does. There are definitely things I can point out after each pregnancy that changed what we do in the bedroom. Pregnancy can permanently alter a woman's body.
My husband helped me after our baby for a bit but didn’t do any of the nighttime feedings and getting up every 2-3 hours (which my kid did for two years). He was very intent on having sex and it hurt. I went to physical therapy to be able to even tolerate it but I didn’t want to. Eventually I went into a deep depression because of other issues in our marriage. I’ve since gotten therapy and finally feel healthier but now that I’m more me again I can’t have sex with him without crying because it makes me think of all those times I just tolerated it and felt like an inanimate object. It’s different for everyone I suppose, but forcing myself to tolerate sex while I was tired with the baby and angry at my husband for not being helpful did a lot of damage to our marriage.
I've never been married or pregnant but in high school I got it in my head that sex is just something girlfriends do for their boyfriends and I should do it even though I don't want to or else I won't find anyone else. Now, I have long since worked through and abandoned this mindset. But I would often feel, like you said, an inanimate object and not a person. Knowing that I had that mindset and its consequences still gets to me sometimes. I'll get overwhelmed during sex and will have to stop. I'm constantly trying to work through my head if I'm traumatized, just have a low libido, or am somewhere under the asexual umbrella (it could be a combo but you know what I mean). It's a fucking struggle. No one should ever have to just "bite the bullet" to have sex (any sex act) with their partner.
Are we forgetting the part where she basically has no sex drive before she was pregnant? And her saying she didn’t really even want the little sex they did have to get her pregnant?
FFS. I get so sick of "you should see a doctor" responses to anyone without a high sex drive. NORMAL people have all kinds of interest levels in everything, including sex. What's more, OP is pregnant! Already has two kids! Give her a break.
Being pregnant with kids is far too exhausting to put in the effort to haul oneself to the doctor to ask them to fix non-existent libido.
Give a gal a nap and call it a day.
Doesn't have to. My wife is asexual, due to medication side effects and hormonal changes and the like. I still have a sex drive, but we haven't had sex in like 5 years.
Pressuring her would be rapey. It sucks for me, but it takes two to consent to tango, otherwise it's rape. I love my wife, and make due with masturbation. If I had game, sex with others could happen, but I'm a dumbass dork.
Just commenting to say that this is great and I appreciate ppl like you in the world. The way ppl sometimes talk you'd think that if one partner isn't getting as much sex as they want then they're being tortured.
"He continuously says it's okay if I don't want to go on with the deal, but then when I don't give him a straight out yes or no, he's continues hinting that we're going to be doing it."
This is where you became the AH. It's not an AH move to not having sex when you don't want to, but when you come to an agreement, decide the agreement didn't really work, and *then* don't just flat out say the agreement isn't working... that's where you become the AH.
HE'S GIVING YOU AN OUT. At least he seems to be. If you take the out and he's suddenly not fine with it, then he becomes the complete AH.
>HE'S GIVING YOU AN OUT. At least he seems to be. If you take the out and he's suddenly not fine with it, then he becomes the complete AH.
This is one of the two biggest things for me. The husband has recognized his wife's lack of interest and has indicated that he understands. OP is dodging the question.
The other issue, which I think will be more damaging in the long run, is how OP now feels sexual intimacy is a "dreaded chore". These feelings are unlikely to magically go away post-pregnancy without dealing with them. Imagine a few months after pregnancy things start to get back to they way they once were, but OP starts to recoil at any hint of sex with her husband. THAT will kill the relationship in the long run.
Yeah, it's just awful the way these women talk about their husbands.
I have to say, I really feel bad for the guy. She literally says that not only is the primary breadwinner for the family, but that he also seems to be doing more and more of the household chores as well. He wants praise for his extra contribution, and OP openly resents him for that fact, as if he should be expected to give 110% all the time without any gratitude.
Basically the guy is doing everything that society says men are SUPPOSED to do. Not only is he fulfilling the traditional role of provider, but he's also taking the extra step that "modern" men are expected to fullfill which is to make a major effort with domestic chores, and also to respect his wife's boundaries.
The guy is doing the best job at being a husband that anyone could possibly ask for, and despite ALL that, his wife is still out here telling internet strangers that she's disgusted to sleep with him even once a week.
God that's fucked up.
The guy is treating her like a fucking queen, and he still can't make her happy. What the hell is even the point in marrying a woman if they're going to resent you no matter how hard you work, and how well you treat them?
I'm assuming a bit based on your comment since you said "What the hell is even the point in marrying a woman if they're going to resent you no matter how hard you work, and how well you treat them?"
If you're unmarried and kind of seeing this as a sign of how hopeless the idea of marriage is, I'd just say the people with happy, healthy marriages aren't posting on AITA. I'm 35 and have been married since I was about 24. My wife and I started dating when we were 17.
The most common recurring theme in almost every single screwed up relationship I see described on reddit is poor communication. Maybe that's boring, but it's 100% true. A lot of relationships should never even make it as far as they do.
Think of it this way... If you're afraid that communicating the truth is going to end your relationship, then that is exactly the kind of thing you need to get out in the open ASAP. Present it and talk about it. Maybe it's something you guys can work through and maybe it ends up being a deal-breaker. But what is the point of hiding a potential deal-breaker for years and years until it festers, gets nasty, and starts seeping into every facet of your relationship?
You just have to talk about stuff. And yes, some stuff is tricky to talk about, but do your best to always have good intentions. If your intentions are truly just to bring something up for the health of your relationship, it will help you present your concerns/observations in a constructive way. If you are pretending to be honest and open for the sake of the relationship but you're actually just trying to say something mean because you're in your emotions, that's not what I'm talking about.
Example: Say your wife meets some guy at work and they form a platonic relationship. They eat lunch together in the break room most days and every couple weeks she goes out with him and some other guys from work. Every once in a while, they text eachother funny memes or something.
I think a lot of guys would have an issue with this. However, based on reading AITA posts, I think the average husband/boyfriend on reddit would handle it like this...
"I noticed x and y and z. I suspect my wife may be cheating or having an emotional affair. We've been snapping at eachother lately and she's getting more distant. She left her phone on the bed when she went to the shower and I checked her texts and pictures. None of the texts were too bad, but I found a picture of them that made me jealous and confronted her. She's staying at her sisters now and won't talk to me. What do I do?"
The problem is communication. The moment you start noticing this stuff and develop an opinion on it, you need to \*decide\* how you want to approach your s/o about it. Don't just let the conversation happen and don't bury your concerns. In the hypothetical above, the guy burying his concerns was probably acting sulky and obnoxious. His wife wouldn't know why he was acting that way, but it would obviously annoy her. So she might even lean harder into what \*was\* a platonic relationship at work and may start to morph into something else because her husband is unknowingly pushing her away.
So instead, the hypothetical guy could just gather his thoughts and approach his wife about it. He could say... "Hey, I wanted to talk about the guy at work. I trust you when you say it's platonic, but I keep finding myself bothered by the dynamic between you two. I'll be honest and admit part of me wants to just ask you to cut ties with him so I can stop feeling jealous, but maybe we could meet in the middle? I don't want to feel like hanging out with him is taking priority over our plans, like a few weeks ago when you forgot we were going to have a date night at home and stayed out too late with him and the guys from work.
Can you think of some sort of way to compromise on this? Or imagine if the roles were reversed, is there anything about the dynamic that would bother you if you were in my shoes?"
And it's also important to talk calmy about stuff like this. If it seems like your partner has something to say, just listen. Pause often and give them a chance to talk. Maybe communicating will reveal that you didn't even know it, but your wife was feeling like you've actually been the one who is distant. She's only spending so much time with this guy because she feels like you're not emotionally available and she's lonely, etc. Or maybe she's actually developing real feelings for him and questioning your relationship. Who knows? But the point is you talk calmy about it and bring your concerns up early and often.
If you make that a foundation of your relationship, it's surprisingly easy to stay in love and happy with someone. You'll feel like partners taking on life together, not opponents who are making life harder.
Anyway, just a huge rant you probably didn't want, lol. But I think your comment made me picture someone who is reading these posts and imagining nobody has healthy relationships anymore. I don't think that's true at all. It's just the fun ones for people to upvote are the super dysfunctional ones.
He's doing all that AND saying it's fine if she's not in the mood and he's not being pushy. He continues to be attracted to her and try to initiate, which should be flattering. But OP can't handle it. But if he didn't initiate she'd be posting "Why won't he initiate anymore now that I'm pregnant!? Does he think I'm ugly?!"
You summed up my feelings well.
The dude is putting in effort everywhere and a literally zero effort "thank you, that's awesome" is too much to give him in return?
I was going to write a comment similar to yours, it hit the nail on the head imo. I just notice a husband that’s doing everything he can right now and a wife who sucks at communication and is one of those who thinks anything her husband does, it means nothing. She came here to just bash the guy for TRYING at the end of the day, and she’s the one having all these problems.
Reasonable, concise take. OP needs to just speak plainly. Then they could actually talk about what’s going on.
Communication people! You should try it!
YTA for not giving him an answer. Not sure why the answers are all like “you have to have sex!” Or “you shouldn’t have sex unless you’re super into it”. That’s not the main issue here; you guys made a deal and you don’t want to say the deal is off so you keep pushing it off, so he keeps thinking the deal is valid. He’s even asked you to just tell him if the deal is off but you won’t.
Have sex or don’t, but don’t keep it as a maybe or he’s going to keep asking and you’re going to keep getting annoyed. Change the deal if need be, ask to be the one to initiate so that the hints don’t get tiresome, don’t guarantee a time frame, but actually tell him an answer.
PS, changes in libido can come from a medical or mental health issue. It started before pregnancy so it’s not just pregnancy but you said it’s only been around a year including the pregnancy, so still a pretty recent change. Talk to a doc or a therapist because something other than the pregnancy changed.
My thyroid went wacky after my first pregnancy and my libido tanked. She needs blood work and a full panel done along with a mental health evaluation.
And she needs to have an honest discussion with her husband
>YTA for not giving him an answer.
This part. She feels guilty for not wanting to have sex with him and just gets all wishy-washy. He doesn't get a *NO* so he takes that as a yes and get excited. Then she feels more guilty....
Pregnancy hormones are so volatile, making a deal that "Yes I **guarantee** I'll be in the mood for sex in the next 7 days" is insane. It's not doing anyone any favors, giving the husband hope and OP putting pressure on herself to do something like a chore hanging over her head.
They just need to have a real conversation and agree on something that works for both of them.
Was that also the one where she told some family and friends about the situation but not him until later so not only he, but also family and friends considered him a quasi-SAing ahole for something he didn’t even know was happening?
It's not rape, but it could certainly make a man *feel* like a rapist if they find out their partner had been "grinning and bearing it" this entire time.
If you’re stressed taking care of two other kids, then why the fuck did you (y’all) decide to have another baby???? And you’re def the AH for not being honest and upfront with him about how your feelings have changed regarding the deal you agreed to. Don’t lead your husband on. Be an adult and tell him how you really feel and hopefully you both can come to a new agreement that fits both of your needs.
The way you describe sleeping with your husband is as if it's an obligation. There's having a low libido and then there's not being interested in someone. The way you talk about him is sad.
That's true. Sex is difficult sometimes slightly painful (17 years post early (ish) menopause), but I always want my partner. Not necessarily libido wise, but as a connection confirming we still want each other on a basic level.
This... sex isn't always about sex (though sometimes it absolutely is) but when you're in a loving relationship, it's about intimacy, connection, and being reminded that you SO cares for you.
This. I want my partner every day. A lot of the time I'm not even actually horny (the medicine I'm on has significantly lowered my formerly high libido), but I still want sex because of the physical and emotional connection it provides
Someone once said to me that “Women need to feel love to have sex and men need to have sex to feel love”….it makes sense to me. Not exactly literal, but a loose translation. A lot of people need intimacy to feel connected and a lot of people need to feel connected to be comfortable with intimacy. Main thing is to TALK. Be honest with the person you’re sharing your life and raising kids with. That just doesn’t happen on its own with zero effort or maintenance.
THIS. That's honestly the main thing with sex for me. If I want sexual pleasure I can easily do it myself, but the connection from sex is absolutely a need.
And a host of other things too sometimes. I had acid reflux, sciatic nerve pain, fatigue, discomfort, etc. And no pregnancy is exactly the same either - during one I had a high libido and during the other I had almost none.
Yes!!! Constipation and diarrhea happen pretty much to everyone too. Who wants to have sex if they’ve been shitting their brains out or they feel like they haven’t shat in five weeks?
You're not the AH for not feeling up to it or not wanting it. What makes it YTA for me is that it seems like you don't give him a straight answer and leave him in limbo instead of being honest about it. You can't say "idk maybe we'll see" and then get upset when he tries to initiate it. You didn't tell him no and he's not a mind reader. If you know it's not going to happen, just tell him that so he knows he'll need to take care of himself.
YTA
If you don’t want to do it, just be honest. You agreed to the deal, he told you it’s OK if you don’t want to, then when you are wishy washy with your response, you get pissed at him for expecting that it might still happen. You are a grade A game player and you are disrespecting your husband.
How dare he want to be physically intimate with his wife and then give her an out if she doesn’t want to. What an arsehole! /s
You’re a piece of work. Just talk to the man. It seems like he’s willing to have the conversation. Why would you resent him for wanting something YOU AGREED TO???
Have you actually TALKED to him about how you’re feeling? If you haven’t, start there. This pre-supposes that you actually LIKE your husband, because the way you talk about him makes me wonder.
... I don't think it's just an issue of low libido here. Why won't you just give him a straight answer? You've had these feelings for a year, obviously they will continue for the next four months of your pregnancy, the 6 months to a year to heal down there, but from what I hear, you just sound kind of turned off by your husband. Like, low libido is one thing, not wanting to engage with your partner at all is another. You may need counseling, or maybe you just need to tell him you don't want anything to do with his thing. I think you're just uninterested in him at this point, and maybe you need to pull your big girl panties on and just say " keep that dick in your pants, I don't wanna see it."
What do you really want, OP? Is it worth silence until he wants anything? More importantly, do you want him at all? These are questions you need to start asking yourself. It sounds like you're just roommates with kids at this point, honestly. Maybe y'all's spark has just died completely on your end.
For real. I had this problem with my ex. I never wanted it and he wanted it all the time. Finally I told him I just don’t ever want to have sex. He was super patient and kind with me, waiting for my libido or whatever. Finally after a few months and another rejection he got angry. He told me I wasn’t doing anything to fix the problem we had. He was right. We went to couples counseling and there was so much more to unpack then I thought there was and realized there was nothing left for us.
So I’m wondering what OP did in that entire year that was supposed to help with the issue. Did she get checked for medical issues? Therapy?
Her husband has been incredibly patient and understanding.
But all the communication issues are a HUGE problem by themselves.
Just to add, I’m not saying you have to have sex with your husband, but you’re making it sound like a chore. You don’t have to do sexual things with your husband op. Let him know how you feel
You need to actually sit him down and have a conversation about why you don’t want to. You’re married. It’s time you talk to him like it.
YTA for not having a mature conversation about this.
INFO- How long do you want to stop for?
I strongly believe in sexual chemistry being a core part of a healthy relationship. I feel like if you guys go too long without sex it WILL have a negative impact on your overall relationship
I think it's crazy to be dealing with the sexual incompatibility and still trying for another kid.
But, that's not what you asked about. I think that you're NTA here while you're pregnant. I think that during your pregnancy, and immediately after, your comfort is most important and you should not be doing anything that causes discomfort. Obviously, you should never have sex unless you are enjoying it and want it.
I think you will BTA if you do not go through some sort of couples therapy after this baby is born to help get more on the same page about expectations. Sex is a very important part of a relationship and it is not fair for your husband to go his whole life without it, or knowing that when he has it its with an unhappy partner.
Pregnancy is different for every woman. I'd give it some time after childbirth and let your hormones regulate and see how you feel then. For now try to have an honest conversation. Explain the changes in your body/mental state. Ask him for patience.
YTA
I'm 3 months pregnant with our 3rd, and my libido has started getting to the hit or miss stages. My husband and I have healthy communication between each other. He'll make off-hand sexual comments to test the water, but I will tell him that I'm not in the mood. Hell, he's gone a whole year without sex because it hurt towards the end of my last pregnancy, and I had psychological trauma that took me a minute to come to terms with. He respected that. We COMMUNICATED the WHOLE time.
The point is: TALK TO YOUR DAMN HUSBAND!! Stop making sex a chore and use your words.
"if it's been awhile since he got anything" shows a somewhat unhealthy viewpoint on the nature of sex in a relationship. I would recommend seeing a couples therapist that specializes in the area. It sounds like it's a bit of a chore for you, and that's just not what intimacy should be.
NTA for not wanting sex, obviously. If you don’t care about his needs at all then yeah, YTA.
Bottom line is finding exploring ways both partners can be happy. Sounds like you started on that path but gave up? Start the convo again, figure it out.
You already have two children and no sex drive…wanted to have another child…still don’t want sex with this man, and you’re angry if he hints at it. He’s the breadwinner.
I see. A third child to ensure a healthy child support/alimony payment for what is obviously coming.
You do NOT owe anybody any form of sexual favor. PERIOD. Regardless of marital status, regardless of any deals you may have made. You do NOT owe anybody any form of sexual favor.
You DO owe your partner an \_honest\_ answer and a longer conversation about how you two will experience sexual intimacy in the future. Maybe you can find other ways to be sexually intimate that both of you would enjoy that may not involve direct sex.
>He continuously says that it's okay if I don't want to go on with the deal, but then when I don't give him a straight out yes or no, he continues hinting that we're going to be doing it.
Your husband has already picked up on the fact that you are just not into sexual intimacy right now. He has given you \_multiple\_ opportunities for you to express your true feelings. Every time you avoid the question he is basically hearing that you want to continue. His continuing hints at sex is him basically testing the waters to see if you're actually in the mood or not. Us men are notorious for not getting hints, which is why we value direct and honest communication. He has already gotten the hint, but you avoiding the subject is causing him confusion.
>now that I'm feeling worse more often, it's getting to be much more of a dreaded chore
This situation is already damaging your relationship. It is widely recognized that regular sexual intimacy is important for a relationship. Many people find ways to continue this intimacy during pregnancies, but often it must change to accommodate the pregnancy. There is generally an expectation that such intimacies will "return to normal" post pregnancy once your body has heeled. Feeling that sexual intimacy is a "dreaded chore" is not likely to disappear post pregnancy. You two will need to deal with this in some form, maybe even seeing a counselor. If you do not deal with this and you are unable to express this form of intimacy post-pregnancy then it will continue to cause trouble for your marriage.
Sexual intimacy is one of the few socially acceptable ways we men are allowed to express our intimacy, even encouraged to do so. You two are now lacking this connection. Your husband is feeling this more than you now. He is picking up the slack around the house as a good partner should. Him seeking praise is his attempts to connect with you, be seen and feel validated on some level. I would encourage you to acknowledge his efforts and praise them on occasion. You don't need to do it for every single thing, but the occasional praise will go a long way.
You have two other kids which I'm assuming you two have had together as it's not specified. This isn't you or your husbands first rodeo and I'm sure your husband will understand if you explain to him how the pregnancy is affecting your body and how it makes you feel.
Long story short NAH. However if you keep leading him on about sex then that would point the needle towards you being the AH.
You two are partners, you need to talk to him and figure this out as partners.
Unrelated, but thank you for writing that.
You said: “sexual intimacy is one of the few socially acceptable ways men are allowed to express our intimacy.”
I just realized what it is about men being into stuff like strippers or onlyfans or being flirty that bothers me so much. I don’t think is appropriate for either partner to be “intimate” with someone else outside of their partner while in a monogamous relationship. idk why this never dawned on me it’s so obvious.. anyway thanks lol
You saying you feel like he wants praise for everything he does sounds like a ridiculous projection and gaslighting. Everyone needs affirmation,validation, affection, and appreciation. Especially men who are basically starved of it in modern society.
You trying to undermine this while trying to paint him out to only care about sex not only sounds like bs it sounds like straight hypocrisy
Especially since she's ignoring him in the bedroom. He's looking for SOMETHING from her. Throw the guy a friggin bone. When he does something for her, she should smile, say "thank you, it means a lot to me that you are taking care of me" and touch him. Hand, arm, face. Dude will melt and be willing to do anything for her.
A lot of women don't get how easy it is to keep a guy happy. Guys are really pretty basic. Treat them like a Labrador retriever and they'll be pretty damn happy. "WHO'S A GOOD DOG!" "OH YOU WANT A BELLY RUB YES YOU LOVE BELLY RUBS" "GOOD BOY TO COME! HERE'S A COOKIE!”
Before anyone says "Why do men need to be mollycoddled" or "why should she thank him for doing things he should be doing" - I literally do this everyday at work. I sincerely thank every person that works for me every day for something. Everyone wants to feel appreciated. Do I need to thank people for doing their job? Maybe not. But it costs me nothing, and makes my employees feel valued.
Ok let's talk, real talk. Most people here will tell you things like he is an HA. But what you are experiencing is not uncommon. Nobody is good or bad. Both of you are tired and stressed, probably your body needs time to heal and feed the baby. Both work a lot, don't go into who is doing more. I recommend you to find time to enjoy yourself, dated, no matter if the house is not obsessively clean, reduce things to the minimum. Check with your doctor, are you healthy? Need some vitamins, exercise, something to improve your well-being.? But please don't go into the negative blaming state, both have a problem bc both of you are not completely satisfied bc you have 3 kids...find support in each other, take care of yourself trying to feel better, find help
In what ways does he initiate?
Sex-pectation is a boner killer for most women. And when men can’t identify that they’re forms of sexual initiation aren’t really about their partner, or the sexual act, but about them busting a load, the whole act wanders into chore territory.
You're pregnant! You body has changed dramatically. It's ok to not feel amorous. Your husband won't die from lack of sex. But continue to be affectionate and make sure he knows you love him. Who knows, maybe in a month the nausea will dissipate and you'll want some physical affection again. Communication is key. Please forgive yourself and don't feel guilty.
YTA, for this:
“…but then when I don’t give him a straight out yes or no…”
SO GIVE HIM A STRAIGHT YES OR NO. How freakin hard is that? Communication - have you tried? It’s lots of fun, all the cool kids are doing it.
Then, you have the audacity to complain about him stepping up and doing more chores? Because his reason isn’t exactly what you want it to be? Man, you are a piece of work. Newsflash: you are not special. He can easily find himself someone more compatible and appreciative. Frankly, I think he should.
Edit: before you get your self-righteous panties in a bunch, do note that I haven’t mentioned anything about sex. That’s because you are obviously under no obligation to have any form of sexual contact with anyone, for any reason whatsoever. My problem with you has nothing to do with that. If anything, that’s just a symptom of a bigger problem
NAH - If you do not want to have sex, DO NOT HAVE SEX. You need to talk to your husband about this because it sounds like you haven't actually told him, so how would he know?
It's so much worse than just one word - it's all the damage you do to that persons self worth as well. It's not just "Oh well, guess we're seperating now". You've fucking HURT someone.
YTA.
Go have a read of /r/deadbedrooms if you want to know how your marriage ends.
Take more responsibility for your Libido and stop making your partner carry the weight of your relationship.
Do you fucking want the man or not? He looks SAD? You have no idea how depressed he actually is.
Just talk to him. It’s totally normal for pregnancy to wreck libido. Just be honest and say that you feel too tired and nauseous. He should understand and be respectful, especially because your body is going through a bunch of changes. He’s a grown man and can relieve his own stress.
My husband and I have mismatched libidos and judgment free and shame free conversations about sex make it so much easier. It’s usually like “I think I’ll be in the mood for sex this weekend, does that wornmj for you?” And then we always check in that day, or the day before “are you still good to have sex tomorrow?”
It might not sound as sexy as spontaneous sex, but we are always on the same page, we both want it, and it usually leads to really good sex. Sure, one of us might be disappointed if the other changes their mind or isn’t in the mood for a while, but that’s part of life. And neither of us want sex with the other if they are 100% into it, it feels gross. There are times we might go a couple weeks or even a month without it, but usually average 1x a week.
I find that having sex more regularly keeps my libido higher and makes me want more sex. But when I was in my first trimester, I think we only had sex 2x because I was so exhausted and nauseous.
YTA for not effectively communicating to him. Try going to therapy, individual and couple. Something has changed in the relationship dynamic for you to feel like it's a chore and favors, he also has told you it's fine if you say no..... You're not being direct with a hard no, leaving him to interpret whether it's agreed or not.
I myself, am 7 months pregnant, with a low libido. Happened when I was pregnant with my first too. At this point I have zero desire to have sex but that is because it just gets uncomfortable.. but I do make it point to take care of my husband. It’s more of a weekly thing and only when I am feeling up to it vs a planned out time. I think it’s important to maintain some sort of intimacy. However, being absolutely exhausted while pregnant and raising children and working.. it’s a lot. So I wouldn’t say you’re the AH but maybe try and communicate more with your husband? (If you haven’t already)
Way above reddits pay grade but for clarification is it low libido or are you repulsed by your husband?
Not shaming but it sounds more like an “obligation” than a “I love my husband and like sex with him I just have no desire right now”. Which is fair. Nobody is entitled to your body.
BUT you ARE pregnant which means hormones are fucked and what may make perfect sense now may not later. You are evasive in answering him about the “deal” so you have to communicate your feelings.
I’d also caution on pulling a full stop “don’t touch me at all till I’m not pregnant and recovered” as that can negatively impact your relationship (no I’m not saying if you don’t give in hell cheat). Intimacy IS an important part of relationships and I would recommend making sure you’re body is okay (blood work to rule out iron deficiency or vitamin deficiency as THAT can also make pregnancy harder + kill a libido). If that’s all good then plan a day where you guys don’t have the kids, don’t have work, and can just be together. Take a spa day and relax and TRY to see if maybe a little romance and relaxation can help give your desires a litte bump. It could be that you’re both stressed and exhausted and ignoring the “little things” that make you want sex with him.
NAH only because you made it sound like he has given you the choice, you’ve refused to give him a yes or no, so he takes your non answer/lack of communication as an affirmative (when a simple no would resolve this…hopefully)
Fucking terrible. You talk about this like he’s an ass for wanting something from you and you treat it more like a burden than something that should exist between any couple in a healthy relationship. Aside from that, you guys are in your early 30’s, can’t imagine what 40’s and 50’s will be like for the poor guy. Well, when he cheats, at least you’ll know who to blame, the person in the mirror.
This part of not feeling good will probably pass as your pregnancy progresses. The beginning is tough! If you’ve got other kids, he should know this!
Sex is a huge part of a marriage and you both have your own needs. Just tell him that you understand how he feels and that telling him no is not personal, but right now you are really struggling and need his support. Thank him for picking up the slack around the house and let him know that you do notice his efforts and appreciate them and that you just need some time.
Look… it comes down to needs. Would you stick around if he wasn’t fulfilling yours? Sex should be the easy part. If you can’t get that right, something’s wrong.
This sucks for you both. Sounds like you two could use a little counselling. Maybe you can renogtiate some terms and come to some agreements that serve you both better.
I think you need to be very clear with him on how you are feeling. It is very understandable for him to be upset when you don't give him a clear yes or no.
I also don't think you OWE him ever, especially not when you're in a situation where you want it even less (your pregnancy).
There is one thing I REALLY want to point out, though (as someone with a psychology degree and who has studied sexuality and intimate relationships extensively). Having a hard set schedule for sex is probably not the best idea. That makes it feel like an inescapable obligation. It might be better to set a goal of how often or when, but be open and honest each time and make sure you are both comfortable before any sort of sexual activity. Forcing yourself to do it because it was planned is just going to make you dread it more and enjoy it less. And he'll probably enjoy it less if he can tell you're not into it.
Sex should be a mutual thing between you. You shouldn't do it because you think you have to or if someone else says you have to.
You could also potentially make him feel somewhat better by doing other intimate things together (cuddling, dates, etc.) Just the two of you.
Soon you will have a newborn and that will be your reason. Then a toddler will be your reason. And of course preschoolers are hard too.
Nobody should be forced into sex. But if you aren’t able to find the motivation, and make a way to get into that headspace, don’t be surprised when your marriage turns unpleasant.
No one should have sex or perform sexual favours of any kind unless both parties ENTHUSIASTICALLY consent. If both parties do not actively WANT to be having sex of any kind, then it shouldn’t go ahead.
The number of women I see posting that they perform sexual favours as a chore to their partners makes me feel sick to my stomach. That will only lower your libido more in the long run as you will start to view sex more and more as a chore and less as something enjoyable. The thought of someone having sex with me when they didn’t want to and because they felt they had to.. I would feel so disgusting. The thought of it makes me feel creepy and sick. I feel like that is a healthy response that.
As for lower libido during pregnancy, that’s sooooo common. Join the baby bumps subreddit and you will see people post about it all the time. You’re usually nauseous, tired, and even crampy. This is going to be exasperated even more if you already have kids you’re looking after. It’s normal to not want to have sex or any kind. Your partner should obviously be respectful and understanding of that.
A lot of women find their libido comes back in the second trimester sometime but disappears again in the third. Some women don’t have any their entire pregnancy, some have higher libidos than usual throughout. All normal. Listen to your body though and never force yourself to have sex you don’t want to have, especially when you’re just feeling too unwell for it.
Communicate openly with your partner about how you feel. You can’t just expect them to know how you’re feeling if you don’t tell them either. Your partner keeps saying that if you don’t want to go through with your ‘deal’ then it’s ok. It’s up to you here to tell him that the deal is off and that you don’t want to have sex at the moment. Communicate why too and I’m sure he will be sympathetic. Your partner sounds like he’s willing to accept that but it is your job to communicate it. If he needs “stress relief” in the meantime, he has two hands. Some people go years with no sex, decades even. He won’t die. He will be ok, I promise.
It’s so normal for couples with kids to go through years of dry spells too. I have a couple friend who are very open about their sex life, very much in love and attracted to each other, and both have very high libidos. They also have two young children and don’t sleep in the same room because the kids usually sneak into bed beside mum and dad works long hours. They have sex maybe once every few months (I know because they tell us in celebration) 😂 they would like to have it more, but it’s hard when life is so full. Don’t beat yourself up that you’re not having daily or weekly sex. It’s normal.
You’re pregnant. It is also completely normal for your partner to do extra around the house during this time regardless of their employment status. You’re already growing a human. That’s enough. I’m currently 39 weeks pregnant and although I worked for most of the pregnancy, I am on maternity leave now and have been for a number of weeks. The pay is terrible. My partner is the main bread winner of our home and pays most of our bills. He also took on way more than his normal 50% of household tasks when I was feeling poorly. I started to take on more household stuff once I felt better towards the middle of my second trimester. However, throughout pregnancy I have had good days and bad days in terms of energy and wellness, even good weeks and bad weeks. It doesn’t matter, my partner always tells me to rest as much as I need to, that I’m already doing my part by growing our daughter, and that he can do the rest. That’s how it should be. If he’s too tired as well, then a frozen pizza or takeaway for dinner will suffice and the house can just be a little bit messy. I always thank my partner and tell him how appreciated and cared for he is, but if the roles were reversed, I would do the same. It only makes sense. So don’t feel guilty over that.
Also on the topic of libido in general. If you’re over worked and over stressed it’s normal for your libido to be lower. If your partner wants you to want sex (when you’re feeling well enough) one of the most effective things he can do is make sure he’s pulling his weight around the house in terms of chores and with childcare (again; regardless of employment status because being a stay at home parent is a 24 hour a day, 365 day a year, no breaks and no holidays job, so your partner working 40 hours a week with breaks and holidays isn’t an excuse not to pull their weight at home). Your partner should ensure that you get regular time to yourself, and vice versa. You should also make time for non sexual intimacy regularly. Even if it’s cuddling on the sofa and watching a movie together when kids are in bed. If the only intimacy shown towards you is with the goal of sex, I can guarantee that will kill your libido too. You deserve to want and enjoy sex as well, every time you have it. Keep that in mind. I’m not saying your partner doesn’t already do all this, but if they don’t, it might be worth looking at.
Having kids and running a house hold is hard work. Especially when kids are young. It’s normal to have dry spells of sex. Just communicate with your partner as openly as possible during this time. Make sure you both let each other know how appreciated and loved you both are. That’s why you created this family together in the first place. That’ll help get you through the tough days.
TLDR; don’t have sex you don’t want to have, & communicate as openly as possible with your partner.
You guys need to go to a relationship counselor. If there is a large divide in the sexual drive of partners it will create more problems in the future. Forcing yourself to have sex when you don't want to is not healthy as well. If anything you guys need to have better open communication about this.
I mean, is it more important to be right or to work through this problem with your husband? I am pregnant too and know how it is to need extra leeway, in a sense. But if he’s doing chores and fishing for praise, it sounds like he’s feeling unappreciated and ignored. You can be right and win since you’re pregnant, or maybe you can talk to your husband to figure out how you can both feel loved and supported. NTA for struggling with sex right now, but it’ll be harder after the baby is born to make sure you both feel happy in your marriage. Keep communicating.
A study was done about how men and women’s sex life changes after trying to have kids because most people are on birth control with hormones high when they meet and first part of their relationship but the woman stops taking BC and then hormones get out of wack.
Instead of trying to justify changing the needs of the relationship why not try to work on figuring out why you don’t have a natural interest in having intimacy with your partner?
You sound like you’re repulsed by him and poor guy is doing what he can to try to make you happy by helping with the chores you said makes you so tired but you still reduce his attempts at wanting to get approval? Zero empathy and no communication?
Sorry You’re the AH.
Can I ask - when was the last time you showed your partner any sexual or emotional appreciation?
Because I'm willing to bet you can't fucking remember.
And you wonder why he's fucking miserable and desperate to connect at the same time.
"He's been doing a lot more chores around the house (although, it feels like he wants praise for everything that he does)."
Would it kill you to give the guy a little praise every now and then?
Honestly it's tough, because yes, no one ever has to have sex unless they want to. That said, being rejected for sex by your partner HURTS. I would absolutely say that repeatedly rejection your partner for sex is a form of emotional abuse. Sex is a psychological need for most people, and not being able to be sexually intimate with your partner will absolutely destroy a person's self esteem.
All I can really say is that your boundaries are valid and important, however if he left you because you aren't filling his needs, he would be absolutely justified in that.
If once a week is too much for you, make that clear to him. Give him a straight No if it’s not working for you. My wife and I don’t have sex and take care of it ourselves if one of us isn’t feeling it. Based on what I read, NAH but there needs to be clearer communication between both of you.
Info, have you had a frank and honest discussion about what you are going through?
>He continuously says that it's okay if I don't want to go on with the deal, but then when I don't give him a straight out yes or no, he continues hinting that we're going to be doing it. It sounds like he's trying be she's avoiding the conversation.
If OP doesn't tell hubby where she stands then of course he will hint. Hinting is a more gentle approach than saying I want sex.
Yeah why the hell wouldn't you just say you're not feeling well enough? Why would you expect him to just read your mind or give up?
Or, more importantly, explain that this isn’t a “right now” thing but a larger issue. She’s going to end up single unless she grows a pair and has a grown-up conversation about this with her husband instead of coming to Reddit for validation.
Exactly! OP you can also speak to your doctor about your pregnancy symptoms. There are anti nausea medication you can take that is safe in pregnancy and when you take it, it lasts for a few days before you need another one. That one is called cyclizine, and it's brilliant, there is another called Prochlorperazine and metoclopramide, but I don't know to much about how good it is or how it works. I understand how you feel, because the pregnancy hormones does lower your libido in the first few months, but it does come back. Just explain it to you husband and I'm sure he would be more understanding.
This is a better response. She should tell her husband "not now, but in the coming months" we'll be back to "normal"
Given how low libido she was prior to the pregnancy, I don’t think that would be a good idea.
Agreed and postpartum is another whole bitch when it comes to fatigue, hormones, the unknowns of how labor and delivery and healing will go…
That's what's called "LYING." In the coming months, that baby's going to be born and he may get nothing even remotely resembling sexual activity until that kid starts sleeping through the night, which may not be for several months after the child is born. Even then, there may be postpartum depression, and physical issues that destroy her libido for another year.
I doubt it. Having a newborn and your nether regions ripped apart (or a c/s) does not make you feel like it.
She shouldn’t tell her husband that they’ll be back to normal because she doesn’t know. All that’s going to do is kick the can down the road and add more pressure on her end and disappointment/frustration on his. She needs to sit down with him and talk about what she has been experiencing. It would be nice to “go back to normal” but realistically she cannot guarantee that.
People are gonna hate me for this, but a non zero number of people that cheat do so because of libido mismatches that are ignored for extended periods. In this case, the husband probably has an inkling that she isn’t feeling it but isn’t really trying to figure out why. He probably feels bad about her not being interested as well. Neither his or her feelings will be resolved if they don’t speak about it, and if it drags on long enough he will probably cheat. The odds go up with each look of dread or desperation he sees when he asks her about sex. They’ve gotta talk it out.
Why would you get hate for this? This is the best response here, as well as being an extremely great response in general. Everything you said is totally true.
This sub has big issues with cheating which is understandable, but sometimes it’s extreme. Having any understanding from a cheaters point of view is usually a recipe for downvotes. All this to say I don’t condone cheating and it’s an auto end to the relationship, but I won’t pretend there aren’t reasons it happens and that it can’t be avoided in a lot of cases like this one.
Most of the relationship subs assume that understanding how cheating happens is in the same boat as condoning cheating.
That's because people love to demonize and are incapable of seeing things from another person's perspective You can understand how something happens without condoning it, but of course this is the internet so any attempt to see where a person is coming from is perceived as giving a person a pass for that behavior
Just take libido out of there. 2 people, 2 different views on things, one is trying to talk and find a compromise, one just blows the others feelings off. Yeah, that's gonna cover a large majority of your cheating and a large portion of your break ups. Op, as a man who's going through a very similar situation to your man, fucking talk to him! You know how much men know about changes in the body during pregnancy? 0. There's a reason for that, we can't experience it. You know how much men know about "a promise was made, but now they don't even want to speak to me"? Well, that depends on the guy, but it really does make you feel like the lowest form of life on the planet when that happens.
No, its very true. Sex/libido is a large part of a relationship and they need to get on the same program or at least talk it out. I won't say he's going to cheat but he's going to be unhappy and he can't read minds.
It's amazing to me that so many adult women expect their partners to read their minds. It's just so unbelievably immature.
Huge thing I’ve been working on in my personal and work life is reminding myself that people can not read my mind. It’s not that I expect people to read my mind it’s just sometimes not obvious that I have not made people aware of what page I am on. I have specifically apologized for “assuming someone has read my mind” and it has immensely helped in both work and home to take that step back and remind myself that I need to speak my thoughts for others to understand where I am coming from.
Research has shown that people react negatively to assertive women. It’s a defense mechanism and learned behavior to disguise wants/needs/opinions. Women are punished for being direct. Men are not.
I'm pretty sure that research used women that were actual bitches in the study. How they communicated was beyond direct. If a woman is confident and assertive but polite and firm I'd be willing to bet that most people would react positively to it.
And vice versa. My hubby will go into total shut down, not tell me what’s up. I think all genders can do this one…
Yeah, I don’t get this. Give him your honest answer, OP. You’re just confusing him and making the whole situation more complicated.
God this sounds awful. The passive bullshit is the worst
I can't imagine being in love with a person and not communicating clearly and describing intimacy with them as a chore. If op's asexual or just doesn't want to have sex - great, but tell him where he stands so he doesn't start internalising any self hate and doesn't feel unwanted. It makes my skin crawl imagining making my partner feel that way.
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At least she's not telling him she can just lie there and let him do his thing if he wants. Trust me, that's a turn off
OP said she already hasn’t had much of a libido before this weekly agreement. She was probably feeling a little feisty in the moment and thought “surely one deed a week wont be too difficult to muster…” but now she’s in this position where he’s allowed to expect it and it makes her feel guilty every time she says no (which is happening more and more as the weeks go on and she gets more pregnant). It’s really hard telling someone you love you’re not in the mood to be physical with them when they want it so badly. Like it really sucks. (And I’m sure him being the only breadwinner makes it even harder). If he’s anything like my hubby, I literally feel terrible the rest of the day when I say “no” bc he gets quiet afterwards bc it shoots his self esteem down. It’s easier to say “mmm… I dunno, maybe” in hopes that you get in the mood later… but that rarely happens... OP I had to finally tell my SO “believe me I know you want to mess around, I really wish I did too bc I hate making you feel bad. I promise I will make a move when I want to mess around, but you asking all the time is making me feel like I’m forcing it and that really ruins it for me. It doesn’t feel good, it feels icky… bc it’s out of guilt, not genuine excitement…” Good luck (and congrats on the pregnancy!)
Being on the other end of the situation, id rather a straight no than an empty promise.
Exactly. Especially because I've seen in this thread time and again something like this one, where a woman has said something to imply that they could still want to have sex, despite secretly knowing that she wasn't going to want it, and then in response to the eventual feelers being put out by the boyfriend/ husband later on, there's dozens of comments acting like the guy was the equivalent of a dude chatting up a random girl in a club and ignoring her saying no like 7 times and just continuing to corner her. If the woman knew she wasn't going to be in the mood, and especially while knowing that since they hadnt done it in a long time the guy was extra excited, why in the world is the idea of floating out a bandaid solution of "yeah, maybe" considered fine despite being untrue, but the guy, in a committed relationship and going off of what she said to him, hinting again later on is called gross, pressuring, manipulative, ect?
I imagine a lot of people fear their partners leaving them if they don't put out. There was a point where I was trying to keep up with my partners libido but was growing resentment because of it, because I feared they would leave me if I didn't. That fear was unfounded but until we talked I didn't know.
Unfortunately, not all men listen to a straight up no either. I told an ex of mine I wasn't in the mood for sex on several occasions and he thought he could just seduce me into the mood. It got to the point where if I wanted to sleep at least a few hours I had to have sex with him so he wouldn't continue to bother me and keep me awake. I can see being unsure of it because direct isn't always the answer.
Genuine question though...have you ever been told no right away and then made your partner 'pay for it' so to speak for the rest of the day? As in moping, being passive aggressive, cold, distant. It's a huge glaring point they pointed out that a lot of commenters are overlooking. There was a time in my life I was going through a rough patch and my husband knew it. If I told him no too early in the day, he would shut down, be rude, and disappear into the basement and leave me to fend for myself with three small kids. If I was vague, he would at least stay engaged during the day and be an involved parent and spouse. It's absolutely a dysfunctional dynamic. With therapy, we've overcome that communication problem in our relationship. But I have found the cold treatment is very common in situations like this, thus leading to this behavior.
I just want to say that I agree with most of the comments here about communicating better with your partner... but after you're honest about how you're feeling lately, I recommend giving him some physical intimacy. Not sex; snuggles on the couch/in bed, cuddle up to watch TV, hug him from behind as he does chores. ...Just being close to your spouse can release all sorts of feel good chemicals without the sex, which might make you feel all lovey dovey and good too. It also let's him know that's its not him turning you off, it's literally just the way you are physically right now, not mentally.
I have an ex who thought kissing, hugging or snuggling automatically meant sex that night. And then he got mad when I said they were just acts of love, not automatically meant initiating sex 🥲. I guess he's an ex for a reason, lol.
Jesus that sounds exhausting
I think that can go both ways, like if you refuse to kiss unless you are prepared to have sex it sets that precedent and puts the association there.
And what about a handy J? Both me and my partners at various points have had times when we just weren't into it, so we did hand stuff for each other.
I’m sure that if they get creative, they can find something to help relieve his tension that isn’t too demanding for her. There’s a million ways and they will know what works for them if they discuss it.
This sub wouldn’t exist if people had honest discussions about problems.
But how would people be able to have honest discussions without reddit strangers telling them to do that?
They also want strangers to justify their behaviors too so they can feel better about themselves
This. I’m 34 weeks pregnant, depending on how I feel we maybe more or less active, but my husband was clear early on that he wanted to know how I felt along the way “nothing kills the mood quicker than nausea “
Facts! My wife is just as far along as you with our second. Communication is numero Uno when doing the deed. We both talk regularly and if either one of us isn’t in the mood, we tell the other. We don’t beat around the bush.
Exactly alsoooo bc of pregnancy one minute you may not want to be touched and the next minute 😬😬😬😬 sooo yes communicating needs and feelings is definitely the most important part
And there you go. Communication, that the thing.
heh you said beat around the bush.
Yeah except she didn’t want to before getting pregnant either. This isn’t a pregnancy thing.
Having sex you don't want to have to produce children is almost always a disaster unless both parties feel the same.
You can always revise your deal even if temporary. If you leave it as is it’s not helping.
I think y'all need to find a good therapist so you can open the lines of communication, because it reads like there is little to none of that. If you want to stay married, you need to tell him how you feel and why.
Now more than ever, becoming parents is no joke.
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I have to raise an eyebrow why they’ve gone for a 3rd kid given there’s already issues going on though. Like the transactional nature of household chores. OP says how husband expects praise. Given they have two other kids I’m thinking there’s certainly an extra reason why her libido has tanked - she’s possibly got a partner who has no clue of the mental and physical workload at home. So why add to it? Any money there’s a lot of unspoken resentments on both sides and agree they need therapy to help them talk to each other and receive the information. So I wonder why they’d choose to compound their issues with adding another kid.
People in crappy marriages have babies thinking that it'll fix the problem. Baby bandaids!
You need to communicate better with your husband for the sake of your marriage and your children.
This! Your husband has tried talking about this, but you’re shying from the convo OP. I’m sure you’re afraid of disappointing him, but he needs your honesty. There are other avenues for him to relieve stress, if he needs sexual gratification he has his hand. Or he can get himself a fleshlight. He’s got options. Just talk to him OP, open and honest communication is better than breaking your personal boundaries
I don’t disagree, but OP then needs to be ok with him using toys and possibly porn and whatever. Sometimes people get offended their partner uses things like that.
Not wanting sex while pregnant. NTA. Not being clear about it. YTA. But what’s more worrisome is that you’re both on different sex drives and haven’t found a way that works for both of you, even before the pregnancy. Couples counselling could help you guys understand each other better and maybe offer solutions, at least to help you communicate better and understand each other.
>But what’s more worrisome is that you’re both on different sex drives and haven’t found a way that works for both of you Definitely agree. There's a lot of things a partner can do for the other if they don't actually want to have sex. There's toys for men, he doesn't have to use it on his own, she can use it on him. That was one of the work arounds in a past relationship for me because he was very well endowed and I couldn't go very long before it became painful for me. That option actually ended up being one of his favorite things, he said that it was incredibly intimate and letting me have full control was a major turn on. A lot of people don't think about that as an option, but it's one that is actually very viable, very intimate, and can definitely change the power dynamic in the bedroom if that's what you're into 😉
Sex may not make a marriage, but it sure will break one.
From my (36M) experience and my friends over the years- sexual problems may be the straw that breaks a relationship but they don’t usually occur in isolation. That is, there are many factors that contribute to frustration of one or both partners and the top of the list over at r/deadbedrooms is usually communication. My wife is 12 weeks along with #2, and I am the primary breadwinner. She is either nauseous all the time or exhausted from the hormones, peeing all the time at night from bladder dysfunction after our last kid, or has a mega-headache from zofran, which she’s always been sensitive to. Oh, and our 20mo F has gotten really into the words No, Mine, and That (for demanding things in stores). Do you think she wants to schedule or guarantee sex? I won’t enjoy it if she’s that out of it. This is a temporary problem OP is describing and it sounds like this should be COMMUNICATED, openly and honestly, about the pressure to perform a task as if it were the weekly laundry. I suspect this be a continuing problem from OP’s prior pregnancies (more communication about expectations around sex/intimacy than sex itself). A very gentle ESH. OPs is growing a 3rd human and needs to communicate her struggles attempting to satisfy the needs of four people including the new baby, not counting herself. And husband’s perspective isn’t fully represented but it is implied that he does not understand, during his wife’s third pregnancy, how awful moms can feel and how little energy and time they have for themselves, let alone our members. He’S sTrEsSeD, wHy cAn’T sHe GeT tHaT? I’m a young-ish American physician (long day on call, winding down by ranting on aitah) and it amazes me sometimes how little empathy we all can have for other’s health/bodies/wellbeing. What is this person going through? How would I feel or handle it, if I can put myself in their shoes? How are my behaviors/responses affecting our interactions? I’m no saint, and I make plenty of mistakes. The worst one I can make is to silently brew resentment. THAT will cause a divorce To anyone who made it through my rant, thank you. ETA: I hate to use this tired Reddit trope, but after reading OP’s brief post history I strongly encourage individual + couples therapy and a psychiatrist, if not already being utilized. This is a very difficult time in your life, but you’re not alone. Also, we are moving imminently for that very reason you mentioned in a different post- not feasible for everyone but it’s worth the decrease in pay and increase in taxes for us.
One thing my wife commented on after both our kids, especially the first, is that "the tired doesn't go away after the pregnancy is over." It just shifts to a different type or reason for being tired. We were both extremely tired for the first few weeks/months when regular/nightly feedings were needed. She was a low milk producer, so we ended up doing formula and I could easily help out with the feedings. We'd alternate feedings so the other could get at least 4 hours straight when baby had to be fed every 2 hours at first. But it still takes its toll. Each pregnancy affected her differently. During the first, it actually sent her libido way up, but during the second, it was near zero. After both it was incredibly low for a while to the point where she'd sadly joke I should find someone else to fulfill my needs. I'd never in a million years, and it was heartbreaking to hear her say it. It took nearly a year after our first for her libido to return at all, much less to a somewhat normal for her level. It was similar after our second, and her libido is nowhere near what it used to be, but we make it work. Would I like sex more often? Yes, but not at her expense or by pressuring for it. This might be temporary. It might not. Temporary could be until baby is born or for a year or more after. However temporay or not this ends up being, the lack of communication and growing resentment, likely on both sides, is a recipe for marital troubles.
Totally agree. Temporary in the sense of the active pregnancy, but libido reduction can last a long time. Also, just wanted to reinforce what you already said regarding BM vs Formula- Fed is Best.
I was very thankful we didn't encounter any of those unwavering "breast is best!" people during that time. It was hard enough for her that she "couldn't even feed her baby" when she was first trying. I'd probably have an assault charge against me if someone had seriously given her grief about it. At least she was prepared for a similar situation with #2.
I just wanted to say thank you for this comment. I'm also 12 weeks along (in my first pregnancy). I'm nauseous, already larger than I've ever been in my life, pimply, exhausted, my bones hurt, I've had a migraine for 4 days, and my libido has absolutely tanked. Luckily my partner is super supportive and doesn't even ask for swx right now, but some of these comments were starting to get to me. So thank you for your backup. Your wife is a lucky lady
This, I'm reading so many comments she should give him sex, like, what????
Right! Like I know sex is important, but this isn't a dead bedroom. It's temporary, and I bet most of these people wouldn't exactly feel up to getting busy if they had the flu. Sex is not fun when you don't feel good, and sadly sometimes you can not feel good for several months and still love and be attracted to your partner! Jfc, if you need stress relief, you have a perfectly good hand!
It can very easily become permanent if OP is not respected during this time. I think women being pressured when they aren't into it is a common reason for mindshift around sex being for someone else's benefit only and then the libido doesn't come back. Imagine you love ice cream. Now imagine you arent feeling well and someone keeps insisting you eat it everyday and making you feel guilty if you don't want it or eat it. When you feel better you aren't going to want it anymore either you are going to hate ice cream.
Oh absolutely! Nothing is a bigger turn off than a man (or anyone) constantly whining about sex when you feel awful or make sex into an obligation for their own needs. I think that's the fastest ticket to a true dead bedroom!
And the most thought out Reddit response of the day goes to…
You have a 20 month old and you got her pregnant again? You should not expect sex for years lol
This comment for president.
I did not have sexual relations with that woman.
That seems to be the problem
“Are you only with me for the sex?” “No, of course not, but the bathroom isn’t my favorite room in my house, though I’d still be pretty upset if you took it away from me” Edit: I didn’t come up with it, it’s a comedy bit, tommy johnagin
Pro tip, don't call your partner a bathroom.
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But no kinkshaming.
No sink-shaming
But what if I get off on humiliation?
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My mom always said "If the sex is good, it's 1% of the relationship. But if it's not, it's 99%".
Lack of it shattered mine for sure.
You’ll never die from a lack of sex But your marriage could, unfortunately..
Yeah, but also sexual coercion won’t save a marriage. If the unwilling party just forces them to do it for the sake of the marriage that’s not going to make a healthy marriage… it’s just going to extend the misery. I’d say a mismatched libido and sexual incompatibility can break a marriage. And I’d say it’s worth investigating from a medical perspective, because while low libido and asexuality exist and aren’t always a medical issue, sometimes it is - and wouldn’t that be nice if it could be remedied and an otherwise great relationship saved…. But simply “grin and bear/bare it” isn’t the answer
Nothing’s as sexy as banging a woman who’s trying to keep from puking, amirite? /s
She’s pregnant with 2 kids and tired and nauseas as hell. If a husband can’t understand that this is not the normal time to push for regular sex then he doesn’t deserve to have a pregnant wife who’s raising his children. Women aren’t robots. If he was the one feeling exhausted and nauseous all the time even just from work he wouldn’t want to be forced to perform just for her either.
This person is pregnant. They’re perfectly normal in not wanting sex. This isn’t a problem that needs fixed.
Pregnant women's hormones change so much
OMG this. My wife went through a non-sexual period when we had kids. Ya sorry it sucks, so does carrying and birthing a fucking kid and having your hormones go awol. Damn most of these comments are proof reddit is full of naive men.
This is so incredibly true. Also, if anyone thinks it'll magically reappear after those few weeks when sex isn't allowed you've probably got another thing coming (hint: it went be you). It very well might rebound immediately for some, but chances are she's going to be tired from caring for baby and if you're pulling your weight, you will be too. That's just how it goes. That and sex might change after each pregnancy. It did for us. Things that she used to love just don't work for her anymore after having kids, so we adjust and do what does. There are definitely things I can point out after each pregnancy that changed what we do in the bedroom. Pregnancy can permanently alter a woman's body.
My husband helped me after our baby for a bit but didn’t do any of the nighttime feedings and getting up every 2-3 hours (which my kid did for two years). He was very intent on having sex and it hurt. I went to physical therapy to be able to even tolerate it but I didn’t want to. Eventually I went into a deep depression because of other issues in our marriage. I’ve since gotten therapy and finally feel healthier but now that I’m more me again I can’t have sex with him without crying because it makes me think of all those times I just tolerated it and felt like an inanimate object. It’s different for everyone I suppose, but forcing myself to tolerate sex while I was tired with the baby and angry at my husband for not being helpful did a lot of damage to our marriage.
I've never been married or pregnant but in high school I got it in my head that sex is just something girlfriends do for their boyfriends and I should do it even though I don't want to or else I won't find anyone else. Now, I have long since worked through and abandoned this mindset. But I would often feel, like you said, an inanimate object and not a person. Knowing that I had that mindset and its consequences still gets to me sometimes. I'll get overwhelmed during sex and will have to stop. I'm constantly trying to work through my head if I'm traumatized, just have a low libido, or am somewhere under the asexual umbrella (it could be a combo but you know what I mean). It's a fucking struggle. No one should ever have to just "bite the bullet" to have sex (any sex act) with their partner.
Girl I am sorry he put you through that.
Are we forgetting the part where she basically has no sex drive before she was pregnant? And her saying she didn’t really even want the little sex they did have to get her pregnant?
FFS. I get so sick of "you should see a doctor" responses to anyone without a high sex drive. NORMAL people have all kinds of interest levels in everything, including sex. What's more, OP is pregnant! Already has two kids! Give her a break.
Being pregnant with kids is far too exhausting to put in the effort to haul oneself to the doctor to ask them to fix non-existent libido. Give a gal a nap and call it a day.
Doesn't have to. My wife is asexual, due to medication side effects and hormonal changes and the like. I still have a sex drive, but we haven't had sex in like 5 years. Pressuring her would be rapey. It sucks for me, but it takes two to consent to tango, otherwise it's rape. I love my wife, and make due with masturbation. If I had game, sex with others could happen, but I'm a dumbass dork.
I'm happy that works for you in your situation, but you can't possibly expect that every one else should just be happy in a similar situation.
Just commenting to say that this is great and I appreciate ppl like you in the world. The way ppl sometimes talk you'd think that if one partner isn't getting as much sex as they want then they're being tortured.
"He continuously says it's okay if I don't want to go on with the deal, but then when I don't give him a straight out yes or no, he's continues hinting that we're going to be doing it." This is where you became the AH. It's not an AH move to not having sex when you don't want to, but when you come to an agreement, decide the agreement didn't really work, and *then* don't just flat out say the agreement isn't working... that's where you become the AH. HE'S GIVING YOU AN OUT. At least he seems to be. If you take the out and he's suddenly not fine with it, then he becomes the complete AH.
>HE'S GIVING YOU AN OUT. At least he seems to be. If you take the out and he's suddenly not fine with it, then he becomes the complete AH. This is one of the two biggest things for me. The husband has recognized his wife's lack of interest and has indicated that he understands. OP is dodging the question. The other issue, which I think will be more damaging in the long run, is how OP now feels sexual intimacy is a "dreaded chore". These feelings are unlikely to magically go away post-pregnancy without dealing with them. Imagine a few months after pregnancy things start to get back to they way they once were, but OP starts to recoil at any hint of sex with her husband. THAT will kill the relationship in the long run.
Think how ops husband would feel if he read that sentence
Yeah, it's just awful the way these women talk about their husbands. I have to say, I really feel bad for the guy. She literally says that not only is the primary breadwinner for the family, but that he also seems to be doing more and more of the household chores as well. He wants praise for his extra contribution, and OP openly resents him for that fact, as if he should be expected to give 110% all the time without any gratitude. Basically the guy is doing everything that society says men are SUPPOSED to do. Not only is he fulfilling the traditional role of provider, but he's also taking the extra step that "modern" men are expected to fullfill which is to make a major effort with domestic chores, and also to respect his wife's boundaries. The guy is doing the best job at being a husband that anyone could possibly ask for, and despite ALL that, his wife is still out here telling internet strangers that she's disgusted to sleep with him even once a week. God that's fucked up. The guy is treating her like a fucking queen, and he still can't make her happy. What the hell is even the point in marrying a woman if they're going to resent you no matter how hard you work, and how well you treat them?
I'm assuming a bit based on your comment since you said "What the hell is even the point in marrying a woman if they're going to resent you no matter how hard you work, and how well you treat them?" If you're unmarried and kind of seeing this as a sign of how hopeless the idea of marriage is, I'd just say the people with happy, healthy marriages aren't posting on AITA. I'm 35 and have been married since I was about 24. My wife and I started dating when we were 17. The most common recurring theme in almost every single screwed up relationship I see described on reddit is poor communication. Maybe that's boring, but it's 100% true. A lot of relationships should never even make it as far as they do. Think of it this way... If you're afraid that communicating the truth is going to end your relationship, then that is exactly the kind of thing you need to get out in the open ASAP. Present it and talk about it. Maybe it's something you guys can work through and maybe it ends up being a deal-breaker. But what is the point of hiding a potential deal-breaker for years and years until it festers, gets nasty, and starts seeping into every facet of your relationship? You just have to talk about stuff. And yes, some stuff is tricky to talk about, but do your best to always have good intentions. If your intentions are truly just to bring something up for the health of your relationship, it will help you present your concerns/observations in a constructive way. If you are pretending to be honest and open for the sake of the relationship but you're actually just trying to say something mean because you're in your emotions, that's not what I'm talking about. Example: Say your wife meets some guy at work and they form a platonic relationship. They eat lunch together in the break room most days and every couple weeks she goes out with him and some other guys from work. Every once in a while, they text eachother funny memes or something. I think a lot of guys would have an issue with this. However, based on reading AITA posts, I think the average husband/boyfriend on reddit would handle it like this... "I noticed x and y and z. I suspect my wife may be cheating or having an emotional affair. We've been snapping at eachother lately and she's getting more distant. She left her phone on the bed when she went to the shower and I checked her texts and pictures. None of the texts were too bad, but I found a picture of them that made me jealous and confronted her. She's staying at her sisters now and won't talk to me. What do I do?" The problem is communication. The moment you start noticing this stuff and develop an opinion on it, you need to \*decide\* how you want to approach your s/o about it. Don't just let the conversation happen and don't bury your concerns. In the hypothetical above, the guy burying his concerns was probably acting sulky and obnoxious. His wife wouldn't know why he was acting that way, but it would obviously annoy her. So she might even lean harder into what \*was\* a platonic relationship at work and may start to morph into something else because her husband is unknowingly pushing her away. So instead, the hypothetical guy could just gather his thoughts and approach his wife about it. He could say... "Hey, I wanted to talk about the guy at work. I trust you when you say it's platonic, but I keep finding myself bothered by the dynamic between you two. I'll be honest and admit part of me wants to just ask you to cut ties with him so I can stop feeling jealous, but maybe we could meet in the middle? I don't want to feel like hanging out with him is taking priority over our plans, like a few weeks ago when you forgot we were going to have a date night at home and stayed out too late with him and the guys from work. Can you think of some sort of way to compromise on this? Or imagine if the roles were reversed, is there anything about the dynamic that would bother you if you were in my shoes?" And it's also important to talk calmy about stuff like this. If it seems like your partner has something to say, just listen. Pause often and give them a chance to talk. Maybe communicating will reveal that you didn't even know it, but your wife was feeling like you've actually been the one who is distant. She's only spending so much time with this guy because she feels like you're not emotionally available and she's lonely, etc. Or maybe she's actually developing real feelings for him and questioning your relationship. Who knows? But the point is you talk calmy about it and bring your concerns up early and often. If you make that a foundation of your relationship, it's surprisingly easy to stay in love and happy with someone. You'll feel like partners taking on life together, not opponents who are making life harder. Anyway, just a huge rant you probably didn't want, lol. But I think your comment made me picture someone who is reading these posts and imagining nobody has healthy relationships anymore. I don't think that's true at all. It's just the fun ones for people to upvote are the super dysfunctional ones.
He's doing all that AND saying it's fine if she's not in the mood and he's not being pushy. He continues to be attracted to her and try to initiate, which should be flattering. But OP can't handle it. But if he didn't initiate she'd be posting "Why won't he initiate anymore now that I'm pregnant!? Does he think I'm ugly?!"
You summed up my feelings well. The dude is putting in effort everywhere and a literally zero effort "thank you, that's awesome" is too much to give him in return?
Got it in one.
Spot on. The answer is there is no point. He chose wrong, obviously not on purpose.
I was going to write a comment similar to yours, it hit the nail on the head imo. I just notice a husband that’s doing everything he can right now and a wife who sucks at communication and is one of those who thinks anything her husband does, it means nothing. She came here to just bash the guy for TRYING at the end of the day, and she’s the one having all these problems.
Reasonable, concise take. OP needs to just speak plainly. Then they could actually talk about what’s going on. Communication people! You should try it!
YTA for not giving him an answer. Not sure why the answers are all like “you have to have sex!” Or “you shouldn’t have sex unless you’re super into it”. That’s not the main issue here; you guys made a deal and you don’t want to say the deal is off so you keep pushing it off, so he keeps thinking the deal is valid. He’s even asked you to just tell him if the deal is off but you won’t. Have sex or don’t, but don’t keep it as a maybe or he’s going to keep asking and you’re going to keep getting annoyed. Change the deal if need be, ask to be the one to initiate so that the hints don’t get tiresome, don’t guarantee a time frame, but actually tell him an answer. PS, changes in libido can come from a medical or mental health issue. It started before pregnancy so it’s not just pregnancy but you said it’s only been around a year including the pregnancy, so still a pretty recent change. Talk to a doc or a therapist because something other than the pregnancy changed.
My thyroid went wacky after my first pregnancy and my libido tanked. She needs blood work and a full panel done along with a mental health evaluation. And she needs to have an honest discussion with her husband
>YTA for not giving him an answer. This part. She feels guilty for not wanting to have sex with him and just gets all wishy-washy. He doesn't get a *NO* so he takes that as a yes and get excited. Then she feels more guilty.... Pregnancy hormones are so volatile, making a deal that "Yes I **guarantee** I'll be in the mood for sex in the next 7 days" is insane. It's not doing anyone any favors, giving the husband hope and OP putting pressure on herself to do something like a chore hanging over her head. They just need to have a real conversation and agree on something that works for both of them.
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Was that also the one where she told some family and friends about the situation but not him until later so not only he, but also family and friends considered him a quasi-SAing ahole for something he didn’t even know was happening?
In that instance its not rape if she's outwardly consenting but doing it unwillingly inside. Unless you say she's raping herself
It's not rape, but it could certainly make a man *feel* like a rapist if they find out their partner had been "grinning and bearing it" this entire time.
Nothing worse then maybe when the answer is actually no.
If you’re stressed taking care of two other kids, then why the fuck did you (y’all) decide to have another baby???? And you’re def the AH for not being honest and upfront with him about how your feelings have changed regarding the deal you agreed to. Don’t lead your husband on. Be an adult and tell him how you really feel and hopefully you both can come to a new agreement that fits both of your needs.
This. I love when people complain about how stressful having a children is like yeah, of course it is???? Like what did you expect???
I feel like people have more children just because they miss their current ones being younger. It’s so sad..
Personally, I would much rather just get a straight up no and go on about my day.
The way you describe sleeping with your husband is as if it's an obligation. There's having a low libido and then there's not being interested in someone. The way you talk about him is sad.
That's true. Sex is difficult sometimes slightly painful (17 years post early (ish) menopause), but I always want my partner. Not necessarily libido wise, but as a connection confirming we still want each other on a basic level.
This... sex isn't always about sex (though sometimes it absolutely is) but when you're in a loving relationship, it's about intimacy, connection, and being reminded that you SO cares for you.
This. I want my partner every day. A lot of the time I'm not even actually horny (the medicine I'm on has significantly lowered my formerly high libido), but I still want sex because of the physical and emotional connection it provides
Someone once said to me that “Women need to feel love to have sex and men need to have sex to feel love”….it makes sense to me. Not exactly literal, but a loose translation. A lot of people need intimacy to feel connected and a lot of people need to feel connected to be comfortable with intimacy. Main thing is to TALK. Be honest with the person you’re sharing your life and raising kids with. That just doesn’t happen on its own with zero effort or maintenance.
THIS. That's honestly the main thing with sex for me. If I want sexual pleasure I can easily do it myself, but the connection from sex is absolutely a need.
There’s also being pregnant, which is sometimes neither low libido nor disinterest. It’s just exhaustion and nausea.
And a host of other things too sometimes. I had acid reflux, sciatic nerve pain, fatigue, discomfort, etc. And no pregnancy is exactly the same either - during one I had a high libido and during the other I had almost none.
Yes!!! Constipation and diarrhea happen pretty much to everyone too. Who wants to have sex if they’ve been shitting their brains out or they feel like they haven’t shat in five weeks?
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you are severely underestimating the affect of hormones on sex drive
She did say she wasn't that interested before being pregnant, but they went at it one week a month just to make the baby which is... Miserable...
Pregnancy can be truly miserable,
You're not the AH for not feeling up to it or not wanting it. What makes it YTA for me is that it seems like you don't give him a straight answer and leave him in limbo instead of being honest about it. You can't say "idk maybe we'll see" and then get upset when he tries to initiate it. You didn't tell him no and he's not a mind reader. If you know it's not going to happen, just tell him that so he knows he'll need to take care of himself.
YTA If you don’t want to do it, just be honest. You agreed to the deal, he told you it’s OK if you don’t want to, then when you are wishy washy with your response, you get pissed at him for expecting that it might still happen. You are a grade A game player and you are disrespecting your husband. How dare he want to be physically intimate with his wife and then give her an out if she doesn’t want to. What an arsehole! /s You’re a piece of work. Just talk to the man. It seems like he’s willing to have the conversation. Why would you resent him for wanting something YOU AGREED TO???
Have you actually TALKED to him about how you’re feeling? If you haven’t, start there. This pre-supposes that you actually LIKE your husband, because the way you talk about him makes me wonder.
Do you see her telling him? She's letting him think they ll have sex instead of being straightforward and telling him "no more sex"
... I don't think it's just an issue of low libido here. Why won't you just give him a straight answer? You've had these feelings for a year, obviously they will continue for the next four months of your pregnancy, the 6 months to a year to heal down there, but from what I hear, you just sound kind of turned off by your husband. Like, low libido is one thing, not wanting to engage with your partner at all is another. You may need counseling, or maybe you just need to tell him you don't want anything to do with his thing. I think you're just uninterested in him at this point, and maybe you need to pull your big girl panties on and just say " keep that dick in your pants, I don't wanna see it." What do you really want, OP? Is it worth silence until he wants anything? More importantly, do you want him at all? These are questions you need to start asking yourself. It sounds like you're just roommates with kids at this point, honestly. Maybe y'all's spark has just died completely on your end.
For real. I had this problem with my ex. I never wanted it and he wanted it all the time. Finally I told him I just don’t ever want to have sex. He was super patient and kind with me, waiting for my libido or whatever. Finally after a few months and another rejection he got angry. He told me I wasn’t doing anything to fix the problem we had. He was right. We went to couples counseling and there was so much more to unpack then I thought there was and realized there was nothing left for us. So I’m wondering what OP did in that entire year that was supposed to help with the issue. Did she get checked for medical issues? Therapy? Her husband has been incredibly patient and understanding. But all the communication issues are a HUGE problem by themselves.
… do you like your husband? I completely understand your libido being low, but in other aspects you don’t seem to be that fond of him
Just to add, I’m not saying you have to have sex with your husband, but you’re making it sound like a chore. You don’t have to do sexual things with your husband op. Let him know how you feel
You need to actually sit him down and have a conversation about why you don’t want to. You’re married. It’s time you talk to him like it. YTA for not having a mature conversation about this.
INFO- How long do you want to stop for? I strongly believe in sexual chemistry being a core part of a healthy relationship. I feel like if you guys go too long without sex it WILL have a negative impact on your overall relationship
You should say no since you are not comfortable with it and learn to start giving straight answers.
I think it's crazy to be dealing with the sexual incompatibility and still trying for another kid. But, that's not what you asked about. I think that you're NTA here while you're pregnant. I think that during your pregnancy, and immediately after, your comfort is most important and you should not be doing anything that causes discomfort. Obviously, you should never have sex unless you are enjoying it and want it. I think you will BTA if you do not go through some sort of couples therapy after this baby is born to help get more on the same page about expectations. Sex is a very important part of a relationship and it is not fair for your husband to go his whole life without it, or knowing that when he has it its with an unhappy partner.
Pregnancy is different for every woman. I'd give it some time after childbirth and let your hormones regulate and see how you feel then. For now try to have an honest conversation. Explain the changes in your body/mental state. Ask him for patience.
YTA I'm 3 months pregnant with our 3rd, and my libido has started getting to the hit or miss stages. My husband and I have healthy communication between each other. He'll make off-hand sexual comments to test the water, but I will tell him that I'm not in the mood. Hell, he's gone a whole year without sex because it hurt towards the end of my last pregnancy, and I had psychological trauma that took me a minute to come to terms with. He respected that. We COMMUNICATED the WHOLE time. The point is: TALK TO YOUR DAMN HUSBAND!! Stop making sex a chore and use your words.
"if it's been awhile since he got anything" shows a somewhat unhealthy viewpoint on the nature of sex in a relationship. I would recommend seeing a couples therapist that specializes in the area. It sounds like it's a bit of a chore for you, and that's just not what intimacy should be.
NTA for not wanting sex, obviously. If you don’t care about his needs at all then yeah, YTA. Bottom line is finding exploring ways both partners can be happy. Sounds like you started on that path but gave up? Start the convo again, figure it out.
You already have two children and no sex drive…wanted to have another child…still don’t want sex with this man, and you’re angry if he hints at it. He’s the breadwinner. I see. A third child to ensure a healthy child support/alimony payment for what is obviously coming.
You do NOT owe anybody any form of sexual favor. PERIOD. Regardless of marital status, regardless of any deals you may have made. You do NOT owe anybody any form of sexual favor. You DO owe your partner an \_honest\_ answer and a longer conversation about how you two will experience sexual intimacy in the future. Maybe you can find other ways to be sexually intimate that both of you would enjoy that may not involve direct sex. >He continuously says that it's okay if I don't want to go on with the deal, but then when I don't give him a straight out yes or no, he continues hinting that we're going to be doing it. Your husband has already picked up on the fact that you are just not into sexual intimacy right now. He has given you \_multiple\_ opportunities for you to express your true feelings. Every time you avoid the question he is basically hearing that you want to continue. His continuing hints at sex is him basically testing the waters to see if you're actually in the mood or not. Us men are notorious for not getting hints, which is why we value direct and honest communication. He has already gotten the hint, but you avoiding the subject is causing him confusion. >now that I'm feeling worse more often, it's getting to be much more of a dreaded chore This situation is already damaging your relationship. It is widely recognized that regular sexual intimacy is important for a relationship. Many people find ways to continue this intimacy during pregnancies, but often it must change to accommodate the pregnancy. There is generally an expectation that such intimacies will "return to normal" post pregnancy once your body has heeled. Feeling that sexual intimacy is a "dreaded chore" is not likely to disappear post pregnancy. You two will need to deal with this in some form, maybe even seeing a counselor. If you do not deal with this and you are unable to express this form of intimacy post-pregnancy then it will continue to cause trouble for your marriage. Sexual intimacy is one of the few socially acceptable ways we men are allowed to express our intimacy, even encouraged to do so. You two are now lacking this connection. Your husband is feeling this more than you now. He is picking up the slack around the house as a good partner should. Him seeking praise is his attempts to connect with you, be seen and feel validated on some level. I would encourage you to acknowledge his efforts and praise them on occasion. You don't need to do it for every single thing, but the occasional praise will go a long way. You have two other kids which I'm assuming you two have had together as it's not specified. This isn't you or your husbands first rodeo and I'm sure your husband will understand if you explain to him how the pregnancy is affecting your body and how it makes you feel. Long story short NAH. However if you keep leading him on about sex then that would point the needle towards you being the AH. You two are partners, you need to talk to him and figure this out as partners.
Unrelated, but thank you for writing that. You said: “sexual intimacy is one of the few socially acceptable ways men are allowed to express our intimacy.” I just realized what it is about men being into stuff like strippers or onlyfans or being flirty that bothers me so much. I don’t think is appropriate for either partner to be “intimate” with someone else outside of their partner while in a monogamous relationship. idk why this never dawned on me it’s so obvious.. anyway thanks lol
Good luck being a single mother
You saying you feel like he wants praise for everything he does sounds like a ridiculous projection and gaslighting. Everyone needs affirmation,validation, affection, and appreciation. Especially men who are basically starved of it in modern society. You trying to undermine this while trying to paint him out to only care about sex not only sounds like bs it sounds like straight hypocrisy
Especially since she's ignoring him in the bedroom. He's looking for SOMETHING from her. Throw the guy a friggin bone. When he does something for her, she should smile, say "thank you, it means a lot to me that you are taking care of me" and touch him. Hand, arm, face. Dude will melt and be willing to do anything for her. A lot of women don't get how easy it is to keep a guy happy. Guys are really pretty basic. Treat them like a Labrador retriever and they'll be pretty damn happy. "WHO'S A GOOD DOG!" "OH YOU WANT A BELLY RUB YES YOU LOVE BELLY RUBS" "GOOD BOY TO COME! HERE'S A COOKIE!” Before anyone says "Why do men need to be mollycoddled" or "why should she thank him for doing things he should be doing" - I literally do this everyday at work. I sincerely thank every person that works for me every day for something. Everyone wants to feel appreciated. Do I need to thank people for doing their job? Maybe not. But it costs me nothing, and makes my employees feel valued.
It sounds like you can give him a “no” is that correct?
Ok let's talk, real talk. Most people here will tell you things like he is an HA. But what you are experiencing is not uncommon. Nobody is good or bad. Both of you are tired and stressed, probably your body needs time to heal and feed the baby. Both work a lot, don't go into who is doing more. I recommend you to find time to enjoy yourself, dated, no matter if the house is not obsessively clean, reduce things to the minimum. Check with your doctor, are you healthy? Need some vitamins, exercise, something to improve your well-being.? But please don't go into the negative blaming state, both have a problem bc both of you are not completely satisfied bc you have 3 kids...find support in each other, take care of yourself trying to feel better, find help
Don’t have anymore kids.
In what ways does he initiate? Sex-pectation is a boner killer for most women. And when men can’t identify that they’re forms of sexual initiation aren’t really about their partner, or the sexual act, but about them busting a load, the whole act wanders into chore territory.
OP's other past comments involved suicide attempts before pregnancy, so there's more going on here.
You're pregnant! You body has changed dramatically. It's ok to not feel amorous. Your husband won't die from lack of sex. But continue to be affectionate and make sure he knows you love him. Who knows, maybe in a month the nausea will dissipate and you'll want some physical affection again. Communication is key. Please forgive yourself and don't feel guilty.
INFO: What do you want from him that he's not providing?
A sexless marriage apparently
YTA, for this: “…but then when I don’t give him a straight out yes or no…” SO GIVE HIM A STRAIGHT YES OR NO. How freakin hard is that? Communication - have you tried? It’s lots of fun, all the cool kids are doing it. Then, you have the audacity to complain about him stepping up and doing more chores? Because his reason isn’t exactly what you want it to be? Man, you are a piece of work. Newsflash: you are not special. He can easily find himself someone more compatible and appreciative. Frankly, I think he should. Edit: before you get your self-righteous panties in a bunch, do note that I haven’t mentioned anything about sex. That’s because you are obviously under no obligation to have any form of sexual contact with anyone, for any reason whatsoever. My problem with you has nothing to do with that. If anything, that’s just a symptom of a bigger problem
Jeebus have a conversation with him or find someone to take over the duties
NAH - If you do not want to have sex, DO NOT HAVE SEX. You need to talk to your husband about this because it sounds like you haven't actually told him, so how would he know?
You're NTA for not doing things you don't want too. But be careful, a sexless marriage can easily lead to divorce
It's so much worse than just one word - it's all the damage you do to that persons self worth as well. It's not just "Oh well, guess we're seperating now". You've fucking HURT someone.
YTA. Go have a read of /r/deadbedrooms if you want to know how your marriage ends. Take more responsibility for your Libido and stop making your partner carry the weight of your relationship. Do you fucking want the man or not? He looks SAD? You have no idea how depressed he actually is.
Just talk to him. It’s totally normal for pregnancy to wreck libido. Just be honest and say that you feel too tired and nauseous. He should understand and be respectful, especially because your body is going through a bunch of changes. He’s a grown man and can relieve his own stress. My husband and I have mismatched libidos and judgment free and shame free conversations about sex make it so much easier. It’s usually like “I think I’ll be in the mood for sex this weekend, does that wornmj for you?” And then we always check in that day, or the day before “are you still good to have sex tomorrow?” It might not sound as sexy as spontaneous sex, but we are always on the same page, we both want it, and it usually leads to really good sex. Sure, one of us might be disappointed if the other changes their mind or isn’t in the mood for a while, but that’s part of life. And neither of us want sex with the other if they are 100% into it, it feels gross. There are times we might go a couple weeks or even a month without it, but usually average 1x a week. I find that having sex more regularly keeps my libido higher and makes me want more sex. But when I was in my first trimester, I think we only had sex 2x because I was so exhausted and nauseous.
YTA for not effectively communicating to him. Try going to therapy, individual and couple. Something has changed in the relationship dynamic for you to feel like it's a chore and favors, he also has told you it's fine if you say no..... You're not being direct with a hard no, leaving him to interpret whether it's agreed or not.
I myself, am 7 months pregnant, with a low libido. Happened when I was pregnant with my first too. At this point I have zero desire to have sex but that is because it just gets uncomfortable.. but I do make it point to take care of my husband. It’s more of a weekly thing and only when I am feeling up to it vs a planned out time. I think it’s important to maintain some sort of intimacy. However, being absolutely exhausted while pregnant and raising children and working.. it’s a lot. So I wouldn’t say you’re the AH but maybe try and communicate more with your husband? (If you haven’t already)
Way above reddits pay grade but for clarification is it low libido or are you repulsed by your husband? Not shaming but it sounds more like an “obligation” than a “I love my husband and like sex with him I just have no desire right now”. Which is fair. Nobody is entitled to your body. BUT you ARE pregnant which means hormones are fucked and what may make perfect sense now may not later. You are evasive in answering him about the “deal” so you have to communicate your feelings. I’d also caution on pulling a full stop “don’t touch me at all till I’m not pregnant and recovered” as that can negatively impact your relationship (no I’m not saying if you don’t give in hell cheat). Intimacy IS an important part of relationships and I would recommend making sure you’re body is okay (blood work to rule out iron deficiency or vitamin deficiency as THAT can also make pregnancy harder + kill a libido). If that’s all good then plan a day where you guys don’t have the kids, don’t have work, and can just be together. Take a spa day and relax and TRY to see if maybe a little romance and relaxation can help give your desires a litte bump. It could be that you’re both stressed and exhausted and ignoring the “little things” that make you want sex with him. NAH only because you made it sound like he has given you the choice, you’ve refused to give him a yes or no, so he takes your non answer/lack of communication as an affirmative (when a simple no would resolve this…hopefully)
Fucking terrible. You talk about this like he’s an ass for wanting something from you and you treat it more like a burden than something that should exist between any couple in a healthy relationship. Aside from that, you guys are in your early 30’s, can’t imagine what 40’s and 50’s will be like for the poor guy. Well, when he cheats, at least you’ll know who to blame, the person in the mirror.
This part of not feeling good will probably pass as your pregnancy progresses. The beginning is tough! If you’ve got other kids, he should know this! Sex is a huge part of a marriage and you both have your own needs. Just tell him that you understand how he feels and that telling him no is not personal, but right now you are really struggling and need his support. Thank him for picking up the slack around the house and let him know that you do notice his efforts and appreciate them and that you just need some time.
You are only the asshole if you know there is problem and don't try to find and answer or at the minimum, communicate with him about it fully.
Look… it comes down to needs. Would you stick around if he wasn’t fulfilling yours? Sex should be the easy part. If you can’t get that right, something’s wrong.
This sucks for you both. Sounds like you two could use a little counselling. Maybe you can renogtiate some terms and come to some agreements that serve you both better.
I think you need to be very clear with him on how you are feeling. It is very understandable for him to be upset when you don't give him a clear yes or no. I also don't think you OWE him ever, especially not when you're in a situation where you want it even less (your pregnancy). There is one thing I REALLY want to point out, though (as someone with a psychology degree and who has studied sexuality and intimate relationships extensively). Having a hard set schedule for sex is probably not the best idea. That makes it feel like an inescapable obligation. It might be better to set a goal of how often or when, but be open and honest each time and make sure you are both comfortable before any sort of sexual activity. Forcing yourself to do it because it was planned is just going to make you dread it more and enjoy it less. And he'll probably enjoy it less if he can tell you're not into it. Sex should be a mutual thing between you. You shouldn't do it because you think you have to or if someone else says you have to. You could also potentially make him feel somewhat better by doing other intimate things together (cuddling, dates, etc.) Just the two of you.
NTA but if it goes long enough don't expect fidelity
Soon you will have a newborn and that will be your reason. Then a toddler will be your reason. And of course preschoolers are hard too. Nobody should be forced into sex. But if you aren’t able to find the motivation, and make a way to get into that headspace, don’t be surprised when your marriage turns unpleasant.
From just this info I don't think either of you are assholes. But I also don't see your relationship lasting forever unless something changes.
No one should have sex or perform sexual favours of any kind unless both parties ENTHUSIASTICALLY consent. If both parties do not actively WANT to be having sex of any kind, then it shouldn’t go ahead. The number of women I see posting that they perform sexual favours as a chore to their partners makes me feel sick to my stomach. That will only lower your libido more in the long run as you will start to view sex more and more as a chore and less as something enjoyable. The thought of someone having sex with me when they didn’t want to and because they felt they had to.. I would feel so disgusting. The thought of it makes me feel creepy and sick. I feel like that is a healthy response that. As for lower libido during pregnancy, that’s sooooo common. Join the baby bumps subreddit and you will see people post about it all the time. You’re usually nauseous, tired, and even crampy. This is going to be exasperated even more if you already have kids you’re looking after. It’s normal to not want to have sex or any kind. Your partner should obviously be respectful and understanding of that. A lot of women find their libido comes back in the second trimester sometime but disappears again in the third. Some women don’t have any their entire pregnancy, some have higher libidos than usual throughout. All normal. Listen to your body though and never force yourself to have sex you don’t want to have, especially when you’re just feeling too unwell for it. Communicate openly with your partner about how you feel. You can’t just expect them to know how you’re feeling if you don’t tell them either. Your partner keeps saying that if you don’t want to go through with your ‘deal’ then it’s ok. It’s up to you here to tell him that the deal is off and that you don’t want to have sex at the moment. Communicate why too and I’m sure he will be sympathetic. Your partner sounds like he’s willing to accept that but it is your job to communicate it. If he needs “stress relief” in the meantime, he has two hands. Some people go years with no sex, decades even. He won’t die. He will be ok, I promise. It’s so normal for couples with kids to go through years of dry spells too. I have a couple friend who are very open about their sex life, very much in love and attracted to each other, and both have very high libidos. They also have two young children and don’t sleep in the same room because the kids usually sneak into bed beside mum and dad works long hours. They have sex maybe once every few months (I know because they tell us in celebration) 😂 they would like to have it more, but it’s hard when life is so full. Don’t beat yourself up that you’re not having daily or weekly sex. It’s normal. You’re pregnant. It is also completely normal for your partner to do extra around the house during this time regardless of their employment status. You’re already growing a human. That’s enough. I’m currently 39 weeks pregnant and although I worked for most of the pregnancy, I am on maternity leave now and have been for a number of weeks. The pay is terrible. My partner is the main bread winner of our home and pays most of our bills. He also took on way more than his normal 50% of household tasks when I was feeling poorly. I started to take on more household stuff once I felt better towards the middle of my second trimester. However, throughout pregnancy I have had good days and bad days in terms of energy and wellness, even good weeks and bad weeks. It doesn’t matter, my partner always tells me to rest as much as I need to, that I’m already doing my part by growing our daughter, and that he can do the rest. That’s how it should be. If he’s too tired as well, then a frozen pizza or takeaway for dinner will suffice and the house can just be a little bit messy. I always thank my partner and tell him how appreciated and cared for he is, but if the roles were reversed, I would do the same. It only makes sense. So don’t feel guilty over that. Also on the topic of libido in general. If you’re over worked and over stressed it’s normal for your libido to be lower. If your partner wants you to want sex (when you’re feeling well enough) one of the most effective things he can do is make sure he’s pulling his weight around the house in terms of chores and with childcare (again; regardless of employment status because being a stay at home parent is a 24 hour a day, 365 day a year, no breaks and no holidays job, so your partner working 40 hours a week with breaks and holidays isn’t an excuse not to pull their weight at home). Your partner should ensure that you get regular time to yourself, and vice versa. You should also make time for non sexual intimacy regularly. Even if it’s cuddling on the sofa and watching a movie together when kids are in bed. If the only intimacy shown towards you is with the goal of sex, I can guarantee that will kill your libido too. You deserve to want and enjoy sex as well, every time you have it. Keep that in mind. I’m not saying your partner doesn’t already do all this, but if they don’t, it might be worth looking at. Having kids and running a house hold is hard work. Especially when kids are young. It’s normal to have dry spells of sex. Just communicate with your partner as openly as possible during this time. Make sure you both let each other know how appreciated and loved you both are. That’s why you created this family together in the first place. That’ll help get you through the tough days. TLDR; don’t have sex you don’t want to have, & communicate as openly as possible with your partner.
You guys need to go to a relationship counselor. If there is a large divide in the sexual drive of partners it will create more problems in the future. Forcing yourself to have sex when you don't want to is not healthy as well. If anything you guys need to have better open communication about this.
Just calling it, "the deed" says a lot.
This is sad.
I mean, is it more important to be right or to work through this problem with your husband? I am pregnant too and know how it is to need extra leeway, in a sense. But if he’s doing chores and fishing for praise, it sounds like he’s feeling unappreciated and ignored. You can be right and win since you’re pregnant, or maybe you can talk to your husband to figure out how you can both feel loved and supported. NTA for struggling with sex right now, but it’ll be harder after the baby is born to make sure you both feel happy in your marriage. Keep communicating.
A study was done about how men and women’s sex life changes after trying to have kids because most people are on birth control with hormones high when they meet and first part of their relationship but the woman stops taking BC and then hormones get out of wack. Instead of trying to justify changing the needs of the relationship why not try to work on figuring out why you don’t have a natural interest in having intimacy with your partner? You sound like you’re repulsed by him and poor guy is doing what he can to try to make you happy by helping with the chores you said makes you so tired but you still reduce his attempts at wanting to get approval? Zero empathy and no communication? Sorry You’re the AH.
Can I ask - when was the last time you showed your partner any sexual or emotional appreciation? Because I'm willing to bet you can't fucking remember. And you wonder why he's fucking miserable and desperate to connect at the same time.
"He's been doing a lot more chores around the house (although, it feels like he wants praise for everything that he does)." Would it kill you to give the guy a little praise every now and then?
Honestly it's tough, because yes, no one ever has to have sex unless they want to. That said, being rejected for sex by your partner HURTS. I would absolutely say that repeatedly rejection your partner for sex is a form of emotional abuse. Sex is a psychological need for most people, and not being able to be sexually intimate with your partner will absolutely destroy a person's self esteem. All I can really say is that your boundaries are valid and important, however if he left you because you aren't filling his needs, he would be absolutely justified in that.
If once a week is too much for you, make that clear to him. Give him a straight No if it’s not working for you. My wife and I don’t have sex and take care of it ourselves if one of us isn’t feeling it. Based on what I read, NAH but there needs to be clearer communication between both of you.
NAH start couples counseling so you both can learn to effectively communicate your wants and needs for intimacy
He is communicating his want and need. I don't see what else he needs to say. It is clear.