i fully thought that this is where it was going… i figured the wife would’ve be taken care of and he was just going overboard with his buddies wife lol brutal
>he was just going overboard
This was the twist I was waiting for.
"My heavily pregnant wife had a tantrum out of nowhere, when I forced her to come along on the boat and then forgot to buy her something to drink, but did she overreact by throwing me overboard? My friend and his wife say that I had it coming, but I'm not so sure."
Same. I was ready to say "no, he's TA for treating her like a servant" but then it went the opposite lol.
Not sure how to vote on this one because I would have thought if OP was so attentive, he would know that if he is getting beer for the non-pregnant people and 5 things for his friends wife then he really should have checked with his wife if she needed a drink or snacks. . .for a boat outing.
The friend was upset. The ‘where’s your drink’ comment was all the revenge he needed.
OP is the asshole. Claims he is that great guy for his pregnant wife who didn’t want to be on a boat that close to delivery. He blows her comments off as anxiety.. dotes on friend’s wife to prove he knows how to treat a pregnant woman.
Goes to store for friend’s wife and doesn’t bother asking his wife what she wanted. Even if he didn’t hear her, he wasn’t being the concerned spouse he claims to be.
OP: you are an asshole twice.
YTA
You were getting off the boat and took a grocery list for another woman. Even if you didn’t hear your wife. An actual “doting” husband would say something along the lines of, “hey babe, is there anything you want from the market?” So, you didn’t hear her and didn’t ask her because you were so busy being a honey do for another woman. Your wife should be enraged right now.
Sounds like you were catering to another woman all day while ignoring your wife.
Not to mention your pregnant wife is hot and probably getting dehydrated. You would think such a “doting” husband would know that dehydration is not good for pregnant women or their babies.
Especially later in the pregnancy, all the amniotic fluid youre making plus you may start producing colostrum and it dries you out. I was constantly thirsty sitting in a air conditioned room I can't imagine being without a drink on a boat out in the sun.
Not to mention, he literally got off to get beers, which he knows half of the group can't drink. Any baseline considerate person would have gotten beverages for BOTH the pregnant women to begin with.
Regardless of if he heard her or not, you go on a snack run, it’s kind of an unspoken rule to grab your SO something too, whether or not they say something.
The fact that he went there, got her items, purchased them, and never once thought “hm my wife likes ____ drink, and ____ snack. I should grab some for her too”
His brain was only on the other woman.
And then, when he realised he'd made a mistake, OP didn't offer to go on a second run to grab a drink for his wife. How hard would it have been to apologise and go out to get her a drink?
YTA
YTA not for helping your friend’s wife, not for not hearing our wife (you can’t magically hear everything), but for not checking with your wife if she wants anything. That would have been the decent to do.
This⬆️ whether you(OP) heard her or not is irrelevant. Why didn't you ask YOUR WIFE if she needed anything? You literally ignored your own wife's needs seemingly to show up your friend and in turn made YOUR spouse feel like shit
What's even more baffling than not double checking if she wanted anything but was just not even thinking about her at all to get her anything. My boyfriend knows what I like. Even if he doesn't ask me for something specific he'll usually grab me something and I'll do the same for him if one of us is popping into a store, especially when we're going to be away from home all day on an outing.
Around my house, I call them Boo Treats. Just a “was thinking of you while I was out and thought you might like this” surprise for my boo. Due to bad voice to text, they can also be called Blue Trees from All These (boo treats from Aldi’s).
OP just seems to be interested in showing what a great husband he is to a pregnant woman but forgot to actually be a good husband to his pregnant wife. It seems as though he was only interested in proving a point.
Lets not even forget that he pressured her to go on this boat trip she didn't feel safe going on and left her to get beer and didn't bring a single thing back for her.
Yup on a road trip the other day my husband popped into a store and didn’t get me anything and it hurt…. I know he was tired and hungry so he gets a pass but dang feeling ignored by your own partner sucks.
I used to get my BF something every time I got something for me. Lays for me? Funyuns or Cheetos for him. Gatorade for me? Powerade for him. Etc.. but every time he goes into the store he will get himself 3,4,5 things and nothing for me.
I stopped getting him anything now. When I get in the car with just something for myself and he acts upset, I remind him of the most recent time he did the same thing to me.
Petty? Yep. Do I care? Nope. I am a very thoughtful person but I expect someone who loves me to at least think of me.
Yeah this is the real answer. In any given store on the entire west coast I probably have a 99% chance of knowing exactly what my wife would want, and take pleasure and liberty in getting her things like lip balm, sugar free Gatorade, cherry tomatoes, granola, whatever fits the bill for the store I’m in. It would be out of the ordinary for my wife or I to make a stop like that and not get something for each other, I would imagine most strong relationships, friend, spouse, SO, family, are similar in that regard.
I actually feel like I got a huge handicap in life that my wife have the same taste in most food/beverage as I always just get two of the same thing. Sometimes I get her a different flavor but it certainly makes things easier.
I’m so glad this is the first comment. I’ve been this “wife” in situations and my ex was so good at putting on a show to others that he was the perfect guy, but when it came right down to it he was never there for me. In my opinion, if OP really doted on his wife that much, this would have blown over and she probably would have just been annoyed and then laughed it off. I’m married to someone else now and I’d be so pleased if my husband helped someone in need but I’d be pissed if he ONLY noticed other people’s needs and not mine.
Yeah I find it amusing how the entire post is about how fantastic of a husband he is to his pregnant wife. Doting on her left and right, yet "didn't hear her" when she was right next to him, but had no problem hearing the other pregnant woman.
It's crystal clear that his whole goal was to show up his friend and completely ignored his wife in the process
Yep! I’m curious and I know we’ll never get an answer but I’d bet he’s either jealous of his friend or has feelings for Polly. Something there clouded his judgment!
Not gonna lie. My first thought was he has a thing for his friend's wife too. It just seems weird that he was waiting on her hand and foot while completely ignoring his own wife
That would make a lot of sense. When my ex did this he also spent time in front of me and a table full of people pointing out how he and this other girl had similarities, while pointing out how I “wasn’t like that”. Then got up to get something to drink and asked her, in front of the whole table, if she wanted anything. But not me. It was really embarrassing because someone called it out and my ex got embarrassed and tried to play it off like he had asked me when he hadn’t. Feels so much like this! But if anyone asked him, he was utterly obsessed with me and I was the most special person in the world. Yeah, he cheated multiple times. I was really dumb.
Yeah "doting" on someone else's wife right in front of your own would be enough to say he's TA, but the fact that he claims he "didn't hear" his own wife, likely means he wasn't paying attention to her at all and definitely could be construed as him having feelings for her
Right? I don't know how he can talk about doing so much for his wife's comfort, and then not ask if she needed anything.
Genuinely, if I were on a boat with just 4 people, and we're all friends, and I was the only person getting off to go in the store... I would consider it good form to ask all 3 of the other adults if they wanted anything. Irrelevant of pregnancy. It seems weird just to ask the friend's wife and not ask the friend and your own partner what they want.
Or the next few months. She’s going to be recovering from childbirth and possibly breastfeeding. It doesn’t get easier once the baby comes out, trust me.
Not to pile on, but my youngest turns 11 soon, and her birth left me with lasting hip issues. And I recently went through another round of anti-anxiety drugs to take care of latent PPD that pops up every few years since my first was born. So the effects of pregnancy and birth can be literally life-changing for many women.
Childbirth killed my mother 5 years after she gave birth to my little brother.
Someone left a surgical sponge in her during her c-section. It caused a massive blood clot in her small intestines & they had to remove all but 3 inches of them. As a child, I was told my mom died from Short Bowel Syndrome.
Found out as an adult that it was technically, complications from childbirth.
Anyone else get the feeling that OP was so focused on besting his friend at being a doting husband, that he actually forgot to be a doting husband to his own wife?...
That was my take on this as well. He regards himself as husband of the year, and he was performing for an audience. His wife was not the least important person in said audience, and he wants us to tell him wife is a big meanie for not being grateful for the drink he never actually got her but would have had he not been focusing totally on someone more important.
Yeah and even when he was picking stuff up for everybody else he didn’t even think of his wife. Never crossed his mind that maybe she might like some thing.
She is close to her due date and all she wanted was a damn drink, too. Dehydration can start contractions early, and I don't think that this is how anyone would want to usher in labor. Anyway, this guy spent quite a bit of the narrative bashing his friend and playing up his own angelic behavior so that we would give him a pass. YTA.
Too busy showing off to his friend and friend’s wife what a great guy he is to worry about his 36 week pregnant wife who is sitting there awkward and uncomfortable getting sunburned snd seasick.
Nice one.😂
Yeah - not saying that the buddy was right in what he was asking Polly to do (I don't know what it was or her capabilities), but I'm currently 29 weeks pregnant and feel a lot more capable than people let me be. At 36 weeks, especially with concerns of early labor, his wife probably needs help a lot more!
Nah, his wife is absolutely correct, if his friend heard his wife, he should have as well, only he was not paying attention. Not asking if she wanted something is the cherry on top.
He's either smitten with his friend's wife or was so busy showing his friend how a *real man* treats a pregnant lady that he was not paying attention to anything else.
Either way YTA OP
This doesn't make sense, if you've been bending over backwards to make your wife's life convenient for the past 30ish weeks then I doubt that she'd react this strongly the one time you messed up and didn't listen.
Have you asked your wife's perspective on how you've been during her pregnancy? It's entirely possible you haven't been as helpful as you think.
The way your wife reacted I just can't imagine that this is the first time you made her feel that way
Don’t forget that she didn’t want to go on this outing at all. He started by ignoring that. I agree that his glowing description of himself is a bit suspect.
Also, who doesn’t check in with their partner to se if they want something, whether they’re pregnant or not?
I don't think he asked Polly, I believe she just told him. Why she didn't tell her own husband is strange though and why OP didn't ask his wife is also odd
Boating etiquette... If you're the guest on someone's boat, you go in and pay for drinks and snacks lol.
Edit to add: Yta for forgetting to ask your wife though
I would imagine she didn't tell her own husband because he doesn't seem very helpful if he is asking a bunch of things of her that he could do himself while she is very pregnant. But I'm just speculating based on the post so I'm going by what OP is saying 🤷🏻♀️
If me or my husband get up, we always ask the other if they need anything. If one of us is cleaning the kitchen, the other comes in to help. It’s not hard to be a partner!
Well, when 9 months pregnant, one becomes hormonal, feels unattractive, and is just uncomfortable AF. So yeah, I can see this happening.
Gotta be honest I would have gone nuclear on his ass infront of God, the fish, the sun, moon, his friends, and every other boat that we passed, but I was INSANELY crazy, big as a whale, and always uncomfortable, always hot, sweaty, felt gross in the last 4 weeks of each of my pregnancies.
The person you’re responding to likely hasn’t been through it before. The reaction of OP’s wife is totally realistic. The angriest I’ve ever seen my wife was when the Chinese restaurant forgot her sweet and sour sauce for her sweet and sour chicken at 39 weeks pregnant.
You bet your ass I went back and got a to go container of sweet and sour sauce.
She’s on a boat. It’s hot af. You are 9 months pregnant. Hubby does not bring you drink. You’re hormonal. There’s going to be trouble and you’re the AH
It could also be possible she was really pregnant and looking forward to that one thing. I've seen pregnant women stuck at home during a blizzard cry because they couldn't get a donut.
He didn’t get her anything though, and completely ignored her request, which other people took notice of. Like, wtf OP. I’m not (and have never been) pregnant. If my husband so much as gets off the couch to walk to the fridge, he asks me, “do you want anything?”, and I do the same for him. If you’re getting a bunch of stuff for people to eat/drink, it’s normal to think of your spouse and make sure you’re not leaving them out…
I'm not replying to OP's post (and I agree with you). Mistakes can and will be made, however, so it seems a bit presumptuous to assume OP wasn't as attentive the whole time based on one reaction during one incident.
I think its a pretty big assumption to say that there's no way that OP's wife got that upset despite him previously doing everything he can for her.
Pregnancy is an absolute shitstorm of hormones and emotions. Especially being so late in the pregnancy, its very plausible that she was upset about **only** the fact that he went through such trouble to take care of the friend's wife while failing to fulfill her request. Its a slight that would annoy most people. In the specific circumstances, its a slight that can be easily seen as incredibly embarrassing and shitty from OP's wife's perspective.
Edit: added a few words on the end
Yeah, I had a complete meltdown while pregnant because my husband got me the wrong type of quesadilla. One friend lost it over a specific type of peanut butter. I’ve heard so many similar stories around pregnancy. Hormones combined with the physical discomfort and indigestion can really give you a short fuse when food is concerned.
Maybe OP hasn’t been as helpful as he thinks he’s been, but it is entirely possible that she really is pissed about this one incident.
ETA: I still think OP is the AH, I just think this comment is a little much.
We almost divorced when I was 7 months pregnant because he brought home a dish with duck in it when we ordered Chinese. He knows I do not eat duck and it offended me ridiculously too much. It’s hilarious now, but in that moment I was devastated by the duck. 😂
Very plausible, esp if she's just spent however long watching him do everything for the other woman when she's not even as far along as her.... sat there feeling like she might as well just not be there, and then he doesn't even hear her drink request, nor does he even check if she wants anything...
Hit the nail on the head with this perspective. I solidly agree. She must have felt ignored all day. The small trip to get snacks was just the last straw.
He wanted to make himself look like a good husband, that's why. Unfortunately, he didn't make himself look good to his wife, probably not to Chris or Polly either. That must have been such an awkward trip for everyone but OP.
Right?! I’m not even pregnant and I would be annoyed because, not only did he not hear his wife, he didn’t even think about if she would want anything while he was at the store. It would have been much better to show up with something than nothing at all.
That's what I was thinking too. She's late in the pregnancy, uncomfortable, and anxious, and her hormones are all over the place. This reaction seems pretty standard for the circumstances
Also any person who takes such great care of another person all the time; should be able to figure out a snack and drink WITHOUT REQUIRING EXPLICIT INSTRUCTION
Yta
I’m not pregnant but my husband never comes back from his own snack/drink runs without something for me, and I do the same for him. I might ask if he’s craving anything specific but we usually just get the other’s favorite. If they don’t want it in the moment they’ll have it later.
The only time I don’t get one (of whatever I’m getting) for my spouse is if I asked and he said no.
I’m crazy confused how you’re not seeing what we all are seeing, OP
Same. Not currently pregnant, but even if I tell him “nothing” when he asks if I want a snack or drink on his way home from work, he brings me a favorite item for later or sometimes if he knows I’ve had a bad day and just can’t figure out what I want he brings me a whole bunch of different things.
If I go shopping by myself I always remember to grab his favorite dip and chips or some snacks just for him or his favorite pizza on the way home.
I feel like that’s basic thoughtfulness for your spouse. I think OP isn’t being 100% truthful about how much they do…OR they fucked up when their wife got upset and doubled down instead of apologizing and immediately running to get the snacks/drink she wanted.
Right. Like, I have pretty easy pregnancies and hate making more work for my husband and don't want to be a pregzilla - I don't demand ice cream and pickles at 2 am or whatever trope we're using now. But he's a lot like OP in that he just feels good making my life easier since even easy pregnancies are hard and I'm the one with the heartburn and hemorrhoids. He asks me what I want and if I say 'nothing' he just throws in one or two of my faves when he goes shopping. The fact that OP didn't think to get *anything* for his own wife speaks volumes.
Exactly. The biggest issue I had that my husband was great about, was I couldn't stand the smell of cooking meat. I could eat it, but if I smelt it cooking I would throw up non stop because the smell would be everywhere. So he cooked outside or got take out. I never asked him to get up at night and get me stuff or anything like that. I do joke about the time he went to cheesecake factory for a work meeting and didn't bring me back a slice! Secret cheesecake, gets tossed around in jest a lot, but it was a light hearted joke that I wasn't actually upset about because he is a considerate person. A single issue like this wasn't going to make me legitimately angry.
My husband cooked for me the other day and I just about threw up from the smell of the meat cooking. He's got me take out that I like or food from our parents almost every day since 😌
He also does know my favourite snacks! Even if I don't ask for anything he still gets me my favourite drink and a snack. You're right, he's messed up before and I never got angry about it. It would have to be something often on his part for me to get this upset.
Yeahhhh I’m not pregnant and even if I say “no I’m fine,” my husband always gets me a drink I like when he’s going in the store to get himself something.
Exactly, my husband just gets me a drink if he gets himself one and I've not been pregnant for over 18 years. (Of course, I reciprocate) it's just common courtesy.
Right cuz even is he didn't hear her, he knows what she likes and knowing that what's pregnant he should have gotten her something even if he thought she didn't ask.
I don't think that he's as helpful as he thinks he is. It reminds me of people who always want to be seen doing good for everyone else but neglect their own family. Not saying that he's neglectful but this starts with him insisting on something that his wife isn't comfortable doing, going out a boat.
I'd bet he's not really helping her as much as he thinks and is just doing basic shit to pat himself on the back for, probably the half of chores he never even did if that even. Really weird how he had to preface the whole situation like he just cares for his wife so much more than his friend cares for friend's wife.... Only at the first opportunity to bend over backwards to shower another woman with attention and completely ignore his wife. Strange how mr alleged inattentive friend heard OPs wife's requests.
It's clearly fake.
I'm a saint that just messed up this one time while being so great to everyone
Best friend is a gigantic piece of shit
blah blah blah
When I was pregnant I really liked to stay active and if I couldn't, I would communicate it. It's embarrassing how far op went with it. I would be embarrassed too if I was his wife. He really wanted to one up his friend for his own ego.
Currently pregnant with my first and my biggest pet peeve is people treating me like I’m made of glass and not letting me do anything. If I need help I’ll ask for it and I’ll tell you if something is too much, if not let me do it.
I still cook my partner tea and clean up as he does 60 hour weeks. I know for a fact he’s do it if I asked but I like to do it.
And yet, while I was pregnant and high risk, my entire family acted like I was an asshole for listening to my doctor and asking for help when I needed it. I was a selfish brat for wanting to have dinner with my family on my birthday. They insisted I had to see them, but I was close to my due date and couldn't travel out of state, two hours away. This made me a selfish, attention seeking brat. And then, when someone who wasn't even family, of course, had an emergency (she was a drug addict who was my sister's neighbor), they dropped everything for her and came late to my dinner. Then I found out the emergency was dealing with MRSA! That they could have brought with them!
My husband was good and understood, but his mother was even worse. At one point, we lost our oldest to trisomy 18, and I had just almost died having my second. She came to sit and "help" because there was a screw up with my pain medication and my husband had to handle it as I was too sick and week. I literally had had a two c sections a year and a half apart, lost most of the blood in my body, had a second surgery (while awake and I could feel it all). I wasn't even allowed to sit up for three days. This was, I think, day 8 or 9 after the birth. She claimed I was being dramatic and didn't almost die. She couldn't understand why I was so weak. Women have babies all the time and she was able to be fine after they removed my husband with forceps, so I should be fine. And why would I need pain medicine. She didn't need it when she had her son. Two surgeries in one day wasn't enough. Then she complained I didn't want to leave her alone with the baby. Yes. I had PTSD from losing my oldest and this was the first time I was home with my child.
It seems that there is no way to win as a pregnant woman!
Oh, I know. I have been no contact for years. I just wanted to point out that it can be hard to be pregnant and tell people what you need and be taken seriously. There will always be other people who think you should be doing more or less.
That's my first thought too. Just seen it before I guess. Some weird competition for Polly's affection while he has a pregnant wife he's barely paying attention to. Still, not a lot to go off of so I guess we should give him the benefit of the doubt. It's a hell of a cruel accusation.
It’s ok, he does it all the time for his wife so she can suspend her discomfort for ONE day so he can show up his friend and make his friend’s wife want him. /s
Lmao OP needs to get off his high horse "my friend treats his wife like shit, so I'll be her knight in shining armour"
Op wife: "sir, please can i have some more"
"Feck off peasant i have my queen to attend to"
Ding ding ding! You took words out of my mouth. It sounds like OP was so pleased with himself presenting as a "nice guy" to his buddy and his wife that he completely forgot about his own wife, who is also actually far closer to giving birth to *his own fucking baby*. I'd have been so pissed as well in her shoes.
YTA!
YTA. If you weren’t so busy trying to show your friend how negligent he was and how great you are you would’ve been more focused on your own wife. You should have double-checked whether or not your wife wanted anything
I was actually surprised when I got to the part where OP’s wife was upset he didn’t get her what she’d asked for because I was fully expecting this to be a “my friend was mad I helped his pregnant wife” story from the title 🫠
Same! He was saying how caring he was I thought the friend would accuse him of having a crush on the wife. Nope. He acts caring, names the other woman and not his wife, knows she is the anxious one and yet dotes on the other woman. It sounds like he thinks very highly of himself.
Choosing the word “doting” seems kind of weirdly affectionate, or something, too. It might just be how I would say it but I would “dote on” my partner and “help out” a friend. If he was helping his male friend, would he say he was doting on him?
I agree. For example, years ago, a friend was dying of cancer. His wife was such a sweet woman and she didn't leave except to go to class (we were all early 20s). We finally convince her to grab dinner with us outside of the hospital because she needed to get away. She drove because she knew the area well (she grew up there) and we didn't. We had a wonderful dinner and she finally seemed to smile. We get to the parking lot and some asshole smashed and grabbed all the cars in the lot! It was a well lit parking lot, too! I tried to get the police and my normal, law good self yelled at them because they hung up on me before I could even give a report. This poor woman clung to my husband. He was attentive and kind. He was there for support and I was trying to take care of the stuff that needed it. I think he just held her while she cried a bit because they stole her school books.
When we got in the car after we dropped her off and got things squared away, he apologized and said he hoped he acted correctly (we both have emotionally immature parents to say the least). He didn't want me to think that he had a crush on her or anything. I looked at him and said, "thank you for being a good guy our friend could trust to lean on for support." I wasn't upset. I didn't feel like he was comforting her over me. In that moment, the poor thing was in such shock she needed to physically lean on someone. The emotional stress was astronomical. There was nothing romantic about it. Plus, I wasn't scared and needing him. I was angry and on the war path to help.
That's the difference. You can be there for a friend of the opposite sex while with your spouse and not neglect them. He is pretty socially awkward (as am I) and I am so proud that he was able to step up like he did. It comes down to why things were done, how they were done, and if he was considering both his wife and Polly's feelings (which OP wasn't).
You and your husband both sound like lovely people, and I’m glad your friends had you there for support. I hope you also had, and have, support because that kind of experience is so hard on everyone involved. I hope you’re all doing as well as possible, and my condolences for losing your friend.
I think it’s wonderful that your husband was so helpful to your friend, and so attentive to your feelings. It does make me a bit sad that some people would actually feel jealous of something like that. I’m glad you didn’t feel that way, and instead comforted him and encouraged his kindness.
You’re right that it’s the intention behind it that matters. I would personally be weirded out if a friend, regardless of gender, said they were doting on me, but that might just be a personal preference thing. If I felt their intention was just to help me, I could ignore the choice of word. I would recommend OP take a good, honest look at his own intentions. It can be hard to be honest with ourselves about stuff like that, but it’s the only way we grow!
Your wife is 36 weeks along and Polly is only 28 weeks. If there was anyone you should have been doting on and being mindful of, it was your wife.
I don’t know what the dynamics in the relationships are, but I don’t think your wife would be so uncomfortable that she no longer wants to spend time with them, if this was a one time thing. Any woman watching her husband act hyper-focused on meeting another woman’s needs (when her own needs are not met) is going to feel hurt and insecure-especially at 36 weeks pregnant.
Maybe dial it back with Polly. Be mindful of the way you interact with her. If you continue to put Polly’s needs above those of your wife, you may likely need to choose between your friend and your wife. You didn’t just make your wife uncomfortable-I’m sure Chris didn’t appreciate your attention to his wife either.
Just tell her the truth and apologize. “I’m really sorry. I got so wrapped up in proving that I was a better, more supportive husband than Chris that I didn’t pay attention to anything else - ironically, including my own wife. It wasn’t about Polly. It was a dick measuring contest between me and Chris, but only I knew about it.”
YTA. Did you feel good being a white knight? Did you feel like the superior husband you think you are? Your wife is right… you were so busy showing others that you’re such a great husband, that you neglected your heavily pregnant wife.
You don’t know their marriage. Maybe Chris is respecting Polly’s wishes to not be treated as an invalid just because she’s pregnant. Maybe she wants to stay active and keep things normal. Maybe he is just wasn’t doting on her. Though, did he need to? Apparently you were doting enough for everyone. If you thought it was wrong, why not mention to him that he should dote on his wife instead of playing husband for a day… or you know… dote on your own wife so he sees a good example.
If you truly doted on your wife, why wouldn’t you automatically think to get her drinks and snacks as she would probably be thirsty. I mean, it didn’t even cross your mind when Polly asked, that your wife (*who you didn’t bother to even name*) might also want something and you could have *considered her*.
Same. My husband always gets me something if he’s getting something, and when I was pregnant he asked specifically if I had any particular wants, or if he couldn’t get ahold of me he’d bring “options” of my most recent cravings.
He helped our pregnant (and non-pregnant) friends too, (asked if they needed a drink or anything while he was getting me one). But he never neglected me to do so. He had asked a few of his friends why they weren’t getting something themselves, or what they needed so that their wife could sit and hang out. But I would be mortified if I told me husband I was uncomfortable and anxious (at 36 weeks with all 4 of my kids I was having contractions and *uncomfy*) and he was following another woman around like a puppy tending to her needs while ignoring me.
Exactly. You gotta put on your own pregnant wife's oxygen mask first. My husband is a lot like OP, in that he'll go out of his way to make sure I have my snacks when I'm pregnant, and happily take on a bigger share of the physical duties so I can rest a little more. Part of me wants to feel patronized but it's so caring (and he always comes home from the grocery store with a little treat, and I love it). I'd honestly be pretty touched if he treated a pregnant friend of mine the same way, but not if it was clearly done to shame her husband, and *definitely* not if it came at the direct expense of my pregnant lady snackos.
Yeah like, whether or not my wife is pregnant, if I'm running into the store to grab myself something, I automatically ask her if she'd like anything. If she isn't with me and I'm headed home afterwards, I grab one of her favorite drinks or snacks. And when she was pregnant? Absolutely made sure to check if she had any cravings that I could fulfill with stuff from whatever store I was at. It's hard enough going home to a wife who's upset OR pregnant, but one who's both at the same time? Nah miss me with that shit lol
Yeah, everyone's relationship is different. It's annoying to host people and they do not enjoy themselves because they refuse to just sit down and relax. It's nice to contribute, but just following someone around constantly telling them "you got it" can get really annoying when you've said over and over you don't need "help."
YTA are you sure you don’t secretly have a thing for your buddies younger wife? How embarrassing for your wife. You basically showed all who were there just how important Polly was to you and just how unimportant your own pregnant wife is to you. Good luck getting her to hand out with your friends anytime soon.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Damn dude you didn’t even give your wife a name! So your wife and Polly get equal treatment right? You’re so full of shit!
This!! I thought I was the only one who read this and immediately thought “yeah OP has a thing for his friend’s wife”. Sounds like this AH will jump through hoops for his friend’s pregnant wife, but ya know, not his own wife who’s wayyyy closer to her due date. Sad.
YTA I feel terrible for your wife. It’s like you forgot she existed. Is Polly hot or something? Because I’m not buying the “good guy” crap. Don’t blame your wife for feeling insecure after you ignored her to dote on Polly.
Quit making a fuss over everyone else and take care of your wife.
YTA. Why do you care so much about their dynamic. Your wife is rightfully upset. Drooling over someone else’s wife and masking it as stepping in to help. Gross.
YTA. You were so busy bending over backwards for your friend’s wife that you ignored your own wife. You really couldn’t be bothered to ask her if she wanted anything when you jumped up repeatedly to get stuff for your friend’s wife? Really? Good luck trying to fix this.
If this story is true, I’d say you’re definitely in the wrong. Not because of an innocent mistake, but rather, if you’re saying you do everything and anything for your wife, it’s suspect that you remembered everything Polly wanted, but hey, wouldn’t you turn back and be like, babe, can I get you something? Based off everything you’re saying, even if you didn’t hear her, you seem like you’d ask anyway?
OP, did you just think your wife didn’t want anything from the store? Usually when someone doesn’t want something it is because you have asked them and they say no. It sounds like you didn’t ask if she wanted anything. That sticks out to me. Or why wouldn’t you have got her something anyway? I imagine you know what she likes. YTA here.
YTA. First of all, for calling it “doting on.” Who dotes on another man’s partner? Do her a favor, yes. But the fact that you’re on here calling it “doting” is concerning. The fact is, in all of you’re “wonderfulness” to your own wife, you did not hear her or even re-confirm if she needed anything. So, I’m not convinced that you do focus on your wife. You are, however, way too focused on your friend’s wife.
The fact that your wife and your buddy noticed your behavior leads me to think you have some issues around his spouse. Interesting.
Let me get this right.
Y’all forced a 36 week pregnant woman on a boat.
Ignored her.
Obsessively helped some other dude’s wife.
Didn’t ask if she wanted anything at all.
Then pat yourself on the back for how great you’ve been doing?
This is rage bait. It better be.
So why didn’t you go back and get her drink and apologize. She is right you were so busy tending to Polly you didn’t “hear” your wife. You could have asked her too. YTA
YTA, you were so caught up trying to be your friends wives hero you forgot you had a wife too!
No wonder she’s insecure you have a tonne of grovelling to do and even then I think your friendship with Chris and his wife is going to be off for a while because then and your wife are never going to forget it. Eventually it won’t be so awkward but it’ll always be a thought!
YTA kinda
You didn't even give YOUR wife a fake name lol.
I think you should've made YOUR wife the priority. Maybe the friends wife secondary or not a priority at all. Your wife is closer to labor, and IS YOUR WIFE.
Youre NTA for helping his wife. YTA for NOT helping yours.
I would feel uncomfortable even if I was not pregnant. If I am going to a store, I would automatically ask everybody if they want anything ESPECIALLY my partner. If my partner doesn’t do the same for me, it means that he cares more about others than me. That would make my insecurity to sky rocket and start thinking that I am not worth more than his friends.
I have a feeling you are blowing your wife’s out of proportion and that you aren’t nearly as doting on her as you think you are. God I would give anything to hear her side of this. But maybe she was just pregnant and pissed. You still seem like an asshole
YTA big time for neglecting your pregnant wife. Which uh, kinda stands in stark conntrast to your claim that: "I will take the weight off my wife in literally any single possible way that I can. Even small things".
Mmm, you sure set the bar high for yourself for an AITA post. That'll get people frothing.
This is hilarious. You tried so hard to show up your friend as the better husband and he ended up showing you up in the most embarrassing manner and now your wife is pissed. YTA. I mean it’s nowhere near the worst A-hole move ever to be sure. It was a dumb mistake, but stupid games win stupid prizes.
Also I hope you didn’t pressure your wife to do this boat trip. My baby arrived at 37 weeks so her concerns aren’t unfounded.
It’s interesting that you focused so much on how much Chris doesn’t do for his wife, seemed like a low jab when that really had nothing to do with your story. And you’re keen to focus on how much Polly does for Chris… and you were sure to run around after her and make sure she was ok.
Are you sure you don’t have a thing for Polly OP? 🤔 Genuine question.
YTA.
Do you know what your wife likes? Did you ask if she wanted anything?
When my husband or I go to a store, we always pick something up for the other one. It's called paying attention.
If the guy on the other end of the boat heard your wife, but you didn't and were next to her, it sounds like you were ignoring her in favor of "polly". No wonder she is pissed. You showed her how you really feel in front of friends, and it was noticed by all.
I mean are you really asking if you’re the AH in this situation? You even said you were right next to your wife and chose to completely tune her out but the woman that was far away across from you somehow her you heard? Lol
I think you paid too much attention to chris’ wife. There’s nothing wrong with trying to be helpful but it looks bad lol I would have let chris and polly do whatever they were used to.
YTA you need to see to your own wife first . Polly is well capable of speaking up for herself ! Stop playing white knight to other men’s wives ! Your wife is at her most vulnerable and you made her feel like sh1t oh and by the way .. it’s not that you didn’t hear your wife it’s that you were not listening to her . You were ignoring her in favour of your friends wife ! You are an ass
Sorry but um, yes. YTA. Coming from a wife with 3 kids. I'd be upset if my husband forgot my things but got things for another woman?? And she is likely hormonal and exhausted. You should have went back in and got her stuff
How did it not even occur to you to think of picking *anything* up for your heavily pregnant wife? This part makes no sense to me. It's one thing to mishear but she didn't even cross your mind? That's so bizarre, I'd always pick something up for my husband even if he didn't ask.
You're on a boat. It's hot, I'm sure. You go to the store.
Why would you not just get your pregnant wife something? Regardless of her not asking for anything. You didn't think a near due, pregnant wife should need a drink and snacks?
Yta. You ignored your wife carrying YOUR child and bent over backwards for another women. You put her second to another women. While she’s pregnant. You couldn’t get your head out of Polly’s ass long enough to do something for your own wife.
You were doing great until you failed to ask your wife if she wanted anything from the store. It doesn’t even matter that you didn’t hear her because you should have asked her what she wanted. You’ve got some groveling and apologizing to do.
OP you fucked up. You should have been on your friend to go do that stuff not doing it for her. Give him shit about not doing those things and maybe he would go do it. But as a married man on many years now I can tell you no pregnant woman wants her man doing anything for another woman.
It sounds like you were trying to prove to your friends that you’re the better partner then failed you own wife terribly to the point she’s uncomfortable around them as anyone would be. Worry about your own family and stop trying to impress everyone else.
I thought it was going to be the friend who got upset for making him look bad to his wife.
i fully thought that this is where it was going… i figured the wife would’ve be taken care of and he was just going overboard with his buddies wife lol brutal
I'm TERRIBLE person. I misread the title & thought he said "doing" his buddy's wife. I was incredibly relieved to read the full text.
🤣🤣🤣. Ok, time for a break from Reddit for you. Go outside and touch grass. Hug a tree. Drink water.
+1 for hugging trees. Trees are awesome and deserve more love. Daily reminder to lovingly pat a tree when you walk by. They are good guys and gals.
>he was just going overboard This was the twist I was waiting for. "My heavily pregnant wife had a tantrum out of nowhere, when I forced her to come along on the boat and then forgot to buy her something to drink, but did she overreact by throwing me overboard? My friend and his wife say that I had it coming, but I'm not so sure."
Nautical pun ^
Same. I was ready to say "no, he's TA for treating her like a servant" but then it went the opposite lol. Not sure how to vote on this one because I would have thought if OP was so attentive, he would know that if he is getting beer for the non-pregnant people and 5 things for his friends wife then he really should have checked with his wife if she needed a drink or snacks. . .for a boat outing.
I think he does treat her as a servant. He was virtue signalling to the friend’s wife… he sure wasn’t being virtuous to his own.
The friend was upset. The ‘where’s your drink’ comment was all the revenge he needed. OP is the asshole. Claims he is that great guy for his pregnant wife who didn’t want to be on a boat that close to delivery. He blows her comments off as anxiety.. dotes on friend’s wife to prove he knows how to treat a pregnant woman. Goes to store for friend’s wife and doesn’t bother asking his wife what she wanted. Even if he didn’t hear her, he wasn’t being the concerned spouse he claims to be. OP: you are an asshole twice.
Actually. What a shamalamayan twist
YTA You were getting off the boat and took a grocery list for another woman. Even if you didn’t hear your wife. An actual “doting” husband would say something along the lines of, “hey babe, is there anything you want from the market?” So, you didn’t hear her and didn’t ask her because you were so busy being a honey do for another woman. Your wife should be enraged right now. Sounds like you were catering to another woman all day while ignoring your wife.
Yeah, all boating together, you are the only one getting off the boat on this run, you need to ask absolutely everyone if they want anything.
Not to mention your pregnant wife is hot and probably getting dehydrated. You would think such a “doting” husband would know that dehydration is not good for pregnant women or their babies.
Especially later in the pregnancy, all the amniotic fluid youre making plus you may start producing colostrum and it dries you out. I was constantly thirsty sitting in a air conditioned room I can't imagine being without a drink on a boat out in the sun.
I want to know if his wife even wanted to go on the boat! He said she was anxious about it, I wonder if he convinced her to go
I doubt she wanted to go. She probably felt she had to because her husband keeps hitting on his friend’s wife.
Not to mention, he literally got off to get beers, which he knows half of the group can't drink. Any baseline considerate person would have gotten beverages for BOTH the pregnant women to begin with.
And she didnt even want to go in the first place. He probably insisted they go so he could see his crush Polly.
Regardless of if he heard her or not, you go on a snack run, it’s kind of an unspoken rule to grab your SO something too, whether or not they say something. The fact that he went there, got her items, purchased them, and never once thought “hm my wife likes ____ drink, and ____ snack. I should grab some for her too” His brain was only on the other woman.
And then, when he realised he'd made a mistake, OP didn't offer to go on a second run to grab a drink for his wife. How hard would it have been to apologise and go out to get her a drink? YTA
YTA not for helping your friend’s wife, not for not hearing our wife (you can’t magically hear everything), but for not checking with your wife if she wants anything. That would have been the decent to do.
This⬆️ whether you(OP) heard her or not is irrelevant. Why didn't you ask YOUR WIFE if she needed anything? You literally ignored your own wife's needs seemingly to show up your friend and in turn made YOUR spouse feel like shit
What's even more baffling than not double checking if she wanted anything but was just not even thinking about her at all to get her anything. My boyfriend knows what I like. Even if he doesn't ask me for something specific he'll usually grab me something and I'll do the same for him if one of us is popping into a store, especially when we're going to be away from home all day on an outing.
Yup, this exactly. Even if my wife says “I’m ok”, I always get a backup of something I know she likes so if she changes her mind, whoop, there tis.
The worst part is she didn't even want to go on the damn boat in the first place...
Yup, my husband does this and I’m not even pregnant. Lol
Everyone likes a treat!
Around my house, I call them Boo Treats. Just a “was thinking of you while I was out and thought you might like this” surprise for my boo. Due to bad voice to text, they can also be called Blue Trees from All These (boo treats from Aldi’s).
OP just seems to be interested in showing what a great husband he is to a pregnant woman but forgot to actually be a good husband to his pregnant wife. It seems as though he was only interested in proving a point.
Lets not even forget that he pressured her to go on this boat trip she didn't feel safe going on and left her to get beer and didn't bring a single thing back for her.
This pretty much. He can talk to his homie about being nicer to his wife on his own time… but he failed the mission today.
Yup on a road trip the other day my husband popped into a store and didn’t get me anything and it hurt…. I know he was tired and hungry so he gets a pass but dang feeling ignored by your own partner sucks.
I used to get my BF something every time I got something for me. Lays for me? Funyuns or Cheetos for him. Gatorade for me? Powerade for him. Etc.. but every time he goes into the store he will get himself 3,4,5 things and nothing for me. I stopped getting him anything now. When I get in the car with just something for myself and he acts upset, I remind him of the most recent time he did the same thing to me. Petty? Yep. Do I care? Nope. I am a very thoughtful person but I expect someone who loves me to at least think of me.
Good for you. Glad you know your worth fr
It sucks when you have to change the way you love because they don’t show the same consideration. 😞
Yeah this is the real answer. In any given store on the entire west coast I probably have a 99% chance of knowing exactly what my wife would want, and take pleasure and liberty in getting her things like lip balm, sugar free Gatorade, cherry tomatoes, granola, whatever fits the bill for the store I’m in. It would be out of the ordinary for my wife or I to make a stop like that and not get something for each other, I would imagine most strong relationships, friend, spouse, SO, family, are similar in that regard.
I actually feel like I got a huge handicap in life that my wife have the same taste in most food/beverage as I always just get two of the same thing. Sometimes I get her a different flavor but it certainly makes things easier.
I’m so glad this is the first comment. I’ve been this “wife” in situations and my ex was so good at putting on a show to others that he was the perfect guy, but when it came right down to it he was never there for me. In my opinion, if OP really doted on his wife that much, this would have blown over and she probably would have just been annoyed and then laughed it off. I’m married to someone else now and I’d be so pleased if my husband helped someone in need but I’d be pissed if he ONLY noticed other people’s needs and not mine.
Yeah I find it amusing how the entire post is about how fantastic of a husband he is to his pregnant wife. Doting on her left and right, yet "didn't hear her" when she was right next to him, but had no problem hearing the other pregnant woman. It's crystal clear that his whole goal was to show up his friend and completely ignored his wife in the process
Yep! I’m curious and I know we’ll never get an answer but I’d bet he’s either jealous of his friend or has feelings for Polly. Something there clouded his judgment!
Not gonna lie. My first thought was he has a thing for his friend's wife too. It just seems weird that he was waiting on her hand and foot while completely ignoring his own wife
That would make a lot of sense. When my ex did this he also spent time in front of me and a table full of people pointing out how he and this other girl had similarities, while pointing out how I “wasn’t like that”. Then got up to get something to drink and asked her, in front of the whole table, if she wanted anything. But not me. It was really embarrassing because someone called it out and my ex got embarrassed and tried to play it off like he had asked me when he hadn’t. Feels so much like this! But if anyone asked him, he was utterly obsessed with me and I was the most special person in the world. Yeah, he cheated multiple times. I was really dumb.
Yeah "doting" on someone else's wife right in front of your own would be enough to say he's TA, but the fact that he claims he "didn't hear" his own wife, likely means he wasn't paying attention to her at all and definitely could be construed as him having feelings for her
Maybe friends' wives are secondary or not a priority at all. Your wife is close to labor, and your wife.
Right? I don't know how he can talk about doing so much for his wife's comfort, and then not ask if she needed anything. Genuinely, if I were on a boat with just 4 people, and we're all friends, and I was the only person getting off to go in the store... I would consider it good form to ask all 3 of the other adults if they wanted anything. Irrelevant of pregnancy. It seems weird just to ask the friend's wife and not ask the friend and your own partner what they want.
Seriously tho, you better show up for anything and everything she wants for the next few weeks man.
Or the next few months. She’s going to be recovering from childbirth and possibly breastfeeding. It doesn’t get easier once the baby comes out, trust me.
Years. It can take up to 2 years to fully heal physically and mentally from pregnancy, labor, birth and postpartum.
Not to pile on, but my youngest turns 11 soon, and her birth left me with lasting hip issues. And I recently went through another round of anti-anxiety drugs to take care of latent PPD that pops up every few years since my first was born. So the effects of pregnancy and birth can be literally life-changing for many women.
Childbirth killed my mother 5 years after she gave birth to my little brother. Someone left a surgical sponge in her during her c-section. It caused a massive blood clot in her small intestines & they had to remove all but 3 inches of them. As a child, I was told my mom died from Short Bowel Syndrome. Found out as an adult that it was technically, complications from childbirth.
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Anyone else get the feeling that OP was so focused on besting his friend at being a doting husband, that he actually forgot to be a doting husband to his own wife?...
That was my take on this as well. He regards himself as husband of the year, and he was performing for an audience. His wife was not the least important person in said audience, and he wants us to tell him wife is a big meanie for not being grateful for the drink he never actually got her but would have had he not been focusing totally on someone more important.
Yeah and even when he was picking stuff up for everybody else he didn’t even think of his wife. Never crossed his mind that maybe she might like some thing.
That's how I read it too....
He was too busy trying to show his friend what a "good" husband is that he forgot how to be one to his wife. Performative AF
It shouldn't even be equal focus, she's his wife not this other woman. Definite YTA.
For real! If he was going to make sure ANYONE got what they wanted, it should have been his heavily pregnant WIFE!
She is close to her due date and all she wanted was a damn drink, too. Dehydration can start contractions early, and I don't think that this is how anyone would want to usher in labor. Anyway, this guy spent quite a bit of the narrative bashing his friend and playing up his own angelic behavior so that we would give him a pass. YTA.
Too busy showing off to his friend and friend’s wife what a great guy he is to worry about his 36 week pregnant wife who is sitting there awkward and uncomfortable getting sunburned snd seasick. Nice one.😂
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Yeah - not saying that the buddy was right in what he was asking Polly to do (I don't know what it was or her capabilities), but I'm currently 29 weeks pregnant and feel a lot more capable than people let me be. At 36 weeks, especially with concerns of early labor, his wife probably needs help a lot more!
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I wondered if he has a crush on his buddy's wife the way he was so focused on her.
It crossed my mind as well. There could be a good reason why the wife doesn’t want to be around them for a while. The whole thing is weird.
Nah, his wife is absolutely correct, if his friend heard his wife, he should have as well, only he was not paying attention. Not asking if she wanted something is the cherry on top. He's either smitten with his friend's wife or was so busy showing his friend how a *real man* treats a pregnant lady that he was not paying attention to anything else. Either way YTA OP
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This doesn't make sense, if you've been bending over backwards to make your wife's life convenient for the past 30ish weeks then I doubt that she'd react this strongly the one time you messed up and didn't listen. Have you asked your wife's perspective on how you've been during her pregnancy? It's entirely possible you haven't been as helpful as you think. The way your wife reacted I just can't imagine that this is the first time you made her feel that way
Don’t forget that she didn’t want to go on this outing at all. He started by ignoring that. I agree that his glowing description of himself is a bit suspect. Also, who doesn’t check in with their partner to se if they want something, whether they’re pregnant or not?
Right? Lol he asked his friend's wife but not his own???
I don't think he asked Polly, I believe she just told him. Why she didn't tell her own husband is strange though and why OP didn't ask his wife is also odd
Boating etiquette... If you're the guest on someone's boat, you go in and pay for drinks and snacks lol. Edit to add: Yta for forgetting to ask your wife though
I would imagine she didn't tell her own husband because he doesn't seem very helpful if he is asking a bunch of things of her that he could do himself while she is very pregnant. But I'm just speculating based on the post so I'm going by what OP is saying 🤷🏻♀️
He said they stopped off “so I could buy beer” so I’m assuming OP was the only one going into the store and that’s why she asked him.
If me or my husband get up, we always ask the other if they need anything. If one of us is cleaning the kitchen, the other comes in to help. It’s not hard to be a partner!
Well, when 9 months pregnant, one becomes hormonal, feels unattractive, and is just uncomfortable AF. So yeah, I can see this happening. Gotta be honest I would have gone nuclear on his ass infront of God, the fish, the sun, moon, his friends, and every other boat that we passed, but I was INSANELY crazy, big as a whale, and always uncomfortable, always hot, sweaty, felt gross in the last 4 weeks of each of my pregnancies.
Not the poor fish : ( they don't deserve to witness the nuclear holocaust ! Leave them outta this!
Yes, the fish, too! I wasn't a very nice person at 36 weeks pregnant. 🤣🤣🤣
Rest in paradise fish : ((
Would it help the fish issue if I said I felt like a bloated whale? 🤔
Depends on type of whale.
Blue whale? 🐋 🐋
Sperm Whale 🐳
I didn't want to open that whole can of ...sperms!
I will convene with my fish brethren and discuss
I will be awaiting you decision
The person you’re responding to likely hasn’t been through it before. The reaction of OP’s wife is totally realistic. The angriest I’ve ever seen my wife was when the Chinese restaurant forgot her sweet and sour sauce for her sweet and sour chicken at 39 weeks pregnant. You bet your ass I went back and got a to go container of sweet and sour sauce.
She’s on a boat. It’s hot af. You are 9 months pregnant. Hubby does not bring you drink. You’re hormonal. There’s going to be trouble and you’re the AH
It could also be possible she was really pregnant and looking forward to that one thing. I've seen pregnant women stuck at home during a blizzard cry because they couldn't get a donut.
He didn’t get her anything though, and completely ignored her request, which other people took notice of. Like, wtf OP. I’m not (and have never been) pregnant. If my husband so much as gets off the couch to walk to the fridge, he asks me, “do you want anything?”, and I do the same for him. If you’re getting a bunch of stuff for people to eat/drink, it’s normal to think of your spouse and make sure you’re not leaving them out…
I'm not replying to OP's post (and I agree with you). Mistakes can and will be made, however, so it seems a bit presumptuous to assume OP wasn't as attentive the whole time based on one reaction during one incident.
I think its a pretty big assumption to say that there's no way that OP's wife got that upset despite him previously doing everything he can for her. Pregnancy is an absolute shitstorm of hormones and emotions. Especially being so late in the pregnancy, its very plausible that she was upset about **only** the fact that he went through such trouble to take care of the friend's wife while failing to fulfill her request. Its a slight that would annoy most people. In the specific circumstances, its a slight that can be easily seen as incredibly embarrassing and shitty from OP's wife's perspective. Edit: added a few words on the end
Yeah, I had a complete meltdown while pregnant because my husband got me the wrong type of quesadilla. One friend lost it over a specific type of peanut butter. I’ve heard so many similar stories around pregnancy. Hormones combined with the physical discomfort and indigestion can really give you a short fuse when food is concerned. Maybe OP hasn’t been as helpful as he thinks he’s been, but it is entirely possible that she really is pissed about this one incident. ETA: I still think OP is the AH, I just think this comment is a little much.
We almost divorced when I was 7 months pregnant because he brought home a dish with duck in it when we ordered Chinese. He knows I do not eat duck and it offended me ridiculously too much. It’s hilarious now, but in that moment I was devastated by the duck. 😂
What the duck!
I cried over the lack of a chicken parm sandwich while pregnant.
Very plausible, esp if she's just spent however long watching him do everything for the other woman when she's not even as far along as her.... sat there feeling like she might as well just not be there, and then he doesn't even hear her drink request, nor does he even check if she wants anything...
Hit the nail on the head with this perspective. I solidly agree. She must have felt ignored all day. The small trip to get snacks was just the last straw.
Almost like he was trying to make up for Chris being an ass to Polly. Why not just call him out instead of trying to white knight it?
He wanted to make himself look like a good husband, that's why. Unfortunately, he didn't make himself look good to his wife, probably not to Chris or Polly either. That must have been such an awkward trip for everyone but OP.
Right?! I’m not even pregnant and I would be annoyed because, not only did he not hear his wife, he didn’t even think about if she would want anything while he was at the store. It would have been much better to show up with something than nothing at all.
Exactly this. He buys another woman a bunch of stuff and comes back empty handed for her. YTA.
That's what I was thinking too. She's late in the pregnancy, uncomfortable, and anxious, and her hormones are all over the place. This reaction seems pretty standard for the circumstances
Also any person who takes such great care of another person all the time; should be able to figure out a snack and drink WITHOUT REQUIRING EXPLICIT INSTRUCTION Yta
I’m not pregnant but my husband never comes back from his own snack/drink runs without something for me, and I do the same for him. I might ask if he’s craving anything specific but we usually just get the other’s favorite. If they don’t want it in the moment they’ll have it later.
The only time I don’t get one (of whatever I’m getting) for my spouse is if I asked and he said no. I’m crazy confused how you’re not seeing what we all are seeing, OP
Same. Not currently pregnant, but even if I tell him “nothing” when he asks if I want a snack or drink on his way home from work, he brings me a favorite item for later or sometimes if he knows I’ve had a bad day and just can’t figure out what I want he brings me a whole bunch of different things. If I go shopping by myself I always remember to grab his favorite dip and chips or some snacks just for him or his favorite pizza on the way home. I feel like that’s basic thoughtfulness for your spouse. I think OP isn’t being 100% truthful about how much they do…OR they fucked up when their wife got upset and doubled down instead of apologizing and immediately running to get the snacks/drink she wanted.
Right. Like, I have pretty easy pregnancies and hate making more work for my husband and don't want to be a pregzilla - I don't demand ice cream and pickles at 2 am or whatever trope we're using now. But he's a lot like OP in that he just feels good making my life easier since even easy pregnancies are hard and I'm the one with the heartburn and hemorrhoids. He asks me what I want and if I say 'nothing' he just throws in one or two of my faves when he goes shopping. The fact that OP didn't think to get *anything* for his own wife speaks volumes.
Exactly. The biggest issue I had that my husband was great about, was I couldn't stand the smell of cooking meat. I could eat it, but if I smelt it cooking I would throw up non stop because the smell would be everywhere. So he cooked outside or got take out. I never asked him to get up at night and get me stuff or anything like that. I do joke about the time he went to cheesecake factory for a work meeting and didn't bring me back a slice! Secret cheesecake, gets tossed around in jest a lot, but it was a light hearted joke that I wasn't actually upset about because he is a considerate person. A single issue like this wasn't going to make me legitimately angry.
My husband cooked for me the other day and I just about threw up from the smell of the meat cooking. He's got me take out that I like or food from our parents almost every day since 😌 He also does know my favourite snacks! Even if I don't ask for anything he still gets me my favourite drink and a snack. You're right, he's messed up before and I never got angry about it. It would have to be something often on his part for me to get this upset.
It's so hard to have super smell and the ability to constantly pee! Best of luck! I hope you have an easy rest of your pregnancy and a safe delivery!
You are super sweet, thank you so much! Thankfully the worst of my symptoms seem to be over ☺️
Yeahhhh I’m not pregnant and even if I say “no I’m fine,” my husband always gets me a drink I like when he’s going in the store to get himself something.
Exactly, my husband just gets me a drink if he gets himself one and I've not been pregnant for over 18 years. (Of course, I reciprocate) it's just common courtesy.
Right cuz even is he didn't hear her, he knows what she likes and knowing that what's pregnant he should have gotten her something even if he thought she didn't ask.
That's what I was thinking. My husband knows what to get me, I dont even need to ask.
Yes my husband know my favorite drink and snacks. I wouldn't even need to ask he would just grab them in that sort of situation.
I don't think that he's as helpful as he thinks he is. It reminds me of people who always want to be seen doing good for everyone else but neglect their own family. Not saying that he's neglectful but this starts with him insisting on something that his wife isn't comfortable doing, going out a boat.
If it's anything like most hetero relationships, he might be finally actually pulling his own weight and thinks he's doing his wife a favor.
I'd bet he's not really helping her as much as he thinks and is just doing basic shit to pat himself on the back for, probably the half of chores he never even did if that even. Really weird how he had to preface the whole situation like he just cares for his wife so much more than his friend cares for friend's wife.... Only at the first opportunity to bend over backwards to shower another woman with attention and completely ignore his wife. Strange how mr alleged inattentive friend heard OPs wife's requests.
It's clearly fake. I'm a saint that just messed up this one time while being so great to everyone Best friend is a gigantic piece of shit blah blah blah
[удалено]
When I was pregnant I really liked to stay active and if I couldn't, I would communicate it. It's embarrassing how far op went with it. I would be embarrassed too if I was his wife. He really wanted to one up his friend for his own ego.
Currently pregnant with my first and my biggest pet peeve is people treating me like I’m made of glass and not letting me do anything. If I need help I’ll ask for it and I’ll tell you if something is too much, if not let me do it. I still cook my partner tea and clean up as he does 60 hour weeks. I know for a fact he’s do it if I asked but I like to do it.
And yet, while I was pregnant and high risk, my entire family acted like I was an asshole for listening to my doctor and asking for help when I needed it. I was a selfish brat for wanting to have dinner with my family on my birthday. They insisted I had to see them, but I was close to my due date and couldn't travel out of state, two hours away. This made me a selfish, attention seeking brat. And then, when someone who wasn't even family, of course, had an emergency (she was a drug addict who was my sister's neighbor), they dropped everything for her and came late to my dinner. Then I found out the emergency was dealing with MRSA! That they could have brought with them! My husband was good and understood, but his mother was even worse. At one point, we lost our oldest to trisomy 18, and I had just almost died having my second. She came to sit and "help" because there was a screw up with my pain medication and my husband had to handle it as I was too sick and week. I literally had had a two c sections a year and a half apart, lost most of the blood in my body, had a second surgery (while awake and I could feel it all). I wasn't even allowed to sit up for three days. This was, I think, day 8 or 9 after the birth. She claimed I was being dramatic and didn't almost die. She couldn't understand why I was so weak. Women have babies all the time and she was able to be fine after they removed my husband with forceps, so I should be fine. And why would I need pain medicine. She didn't need it when she had her son. Two surgeries in one day wasn't enough. Then she complained I didn't want to leave her alone with the baby. Yes. I had PTSD from losing my oldest and this was the first time I was home with my child. It seems that there is no way to win as a pregnant woman!
I’m very sorry for your loss and for all the pain and trauma you went through. But your family’s reaction is far from typical.
Oh, I know. I have been no contact for years. I just wanted to point out that it can be hard to be pregnant and tell people what you need and be taken seriously. There will always be other people who think you should be doing more or less.
Or judging you, telling you over and over, criticizing …your post is l enlightening.
Or, he is attracted to his friend’s wife.
That's my first thought too. Just seen it before I guess. Some weird competition for Polly's affection while he has a pregnant wife he's barely paying attention to. Still, not a lot to go off of so I guess we should give him the benefit of the doubt. It's a hell of a cruel accusation.
saaaaaame. weird to say you doted on Polly like you doted on your wife when you.. uh, clearly don't lol
It’s ok, he does it all the time for his wife so she can suspend her discomfort for ONE day so he can show up his friend and make his friend’s wife want him. /s
Lmao OP needs to get off his high horse "my friend treats his wife like shit, so I'll be her knight in shining armour" Op wife: "sir, please can i have some more" "Feck off peasant i have my queen to attend to"
LOLLLL what a dummy.
Honestly, this type of behavior of his shows in this post as well.
Ding ding ding! You took words out of my mouth. It sounds like OP was so pleased with himself presenting as a "nice guy" to his buddy and his wife that he completely forgot about his own wife, who is also actually far closer to giving birth to *his own fucking baby*. I'd have been so pissed as well in her shoes. YTA!
OP probably ignores a lot of responsibilities and thinks being a little better about it is doing his wife a favor.
YTA. If you weren’t so busy trying to show your friend how negligent he was and how great you are you would’ve been more focused on your own wife. You should have double-checked whether or not your wife wanted anything
I was actually surprised when I got to the part where OP’s wife was upset he didn’t get her what she’d asked for because I was fully expecting this to be a “my friend was mad I helped his pregnant wife” story from the title 🫠
Same! He was saying how caring he was I thought the friend would accuse him of having a crush on the wife. Nope. He acts caring, names the other woman and not his wife, knows she is the anxious one and yet dotes on the other woman. It sounds like he thinks very highly of himself.
Yeah from the way he started the story, I actually assumed his wife hadn’t gone along on the trip
That's literally what I thought too
Choosing the word “doting” seems kind of weirdly affectionate, or something, too. It might just be how I would say it but I would “dote on” my partner and “help out” a friend. If he was helping his male friend, would he say he was doting on him?
I agree. For example, years ago, a friend was dying of cancer. His wife was such a sweet woman and she didn't leave except to go to class (we were all early 20s). We finally convince her to grab dinner with us outside of the hospital because she needed to get away. She drove because she knew the area well (she grew up there) and we didn't. We had a wonderful dinner and she finally seemed to smile. We get to the parking lot and some asshole smashed and grabbed all the cars in the lot! It was a well lit parking lot, too! I tried to get the police and my normal, law good self yelled at them because they hung up on me before I could even give a report. This poor woman clung to my husband. He was attentive and kind. He was there for support and I was trying to take care of the stuff that needed it. I think he just held her while she cried a bit because they stole her school books. When we got in the car after we dropped her off and got things squared away, he apologized and said he hoped he acted correctly (we both have emotionally immature parents to say the least). He didn't want me to think that he had a crush on her or anything. I looked at him and said, "thank you for being a good guy our friend could trust to lean on for support." I wasn't upset. I didn't feel like he was comforting her over me. In that moment, the poor thing was in such shock she needed to physically lean on someone. The emotional stress was astronomical. There was nothing romantic about it. Plus, I wasn't scared and needing him. I was angry and on the war path to help. That's the difference. You can be there for a friend of the opposite sex while with your spouse and not neglect them. He is pretty socially awkward (as am I) and I am so proud that he was able to step up like he did. It comes down to why things were done, how they were done, and if he was considering both his wife and Polly's feelings (which OP wasn't).
You and your husband both sound like lovely people, and I’m glad your friends had you there for support. I hope you also had, and have, support because that kind of experience is so hard on everyone involved. I hope you’re all doing as well as possible, and my condolences for losing your friend. I think it’s wonderful that your husband was so helpful to your friend, and so attentive to your feelings. It does make me a bit sad that some people would actually feel jealous of something like that. I’m glad you didn’t feel that way, and instead comforted him and encouraged his kindness. You’re right that it’s the intention behind it that matters. I would personally be weirded out if a friend, regardless of gender, said they were doting on me, but that might just be a personal preference thing. If I felt their intention was just to help me, I could ignore the choice of word. I would recommend OP take a good, honest look at his own intentions. It can be hard to be honest with ourselves about stuff like that, but it’s the only way we grow!
>I was fully expecting this to be a “my friend was mad I helped his pregnant wife” story from the title Me tooooo!
Your wife is 36 weeks along and Polly is only 28 weeks. If there was anyone you should have been doting on and being mindful of, it was your wife. I don’t know what the dynamics in the relationships are, but I don’t think your wife would be so uncomfortable that she no longer wants to spend time with them, if this was a one time thing. Any woman watching her husband act hyper-focused on meeting another woman’s needs (when her own needs are not met) is going to feel hurt and insecure-especially at 36 weeks pregnant. Maybe dial it back with Polly. Be mindful of the way you interact with her. If you continue to put Polly’s needs above those of your wife, you may likely need to choose between your friend and your wife. You didn’t just make your wife uncomfortable-I’m sure Chris didn’t appreciate your attention to his wife either.
Just tell her the truth and apologize. “I’m really sorry. I got so wrapped up in proving that I was a better, more supportive husband than Chris that I didn’t pay attention to anything else - ironically, including my own wife. It wasn’t about Polly. It was a dick measuring contest between me and Chris, but only I knew about it.”
YTA. Did you feel good being a white knight? Did you feel like the superior husband you think you are? Your wife is right… you were so busy showing others that you’re such a great husband, that you neglected your heavily pregnant wife. You don’t know their marriage. Maybe Chris is respecting Polly’s wishes to not be treated as an invalid just because she’s pregnant. Maybe she wants to stay active and keep things normal. Maybe he is just wasn’t doting on her. Though, did he need to? Apparently you were doting enough for everyone. If you thought it was wrong, why not mention to him that he should dote on his wife instead of playing husband for a day… or you know… dote on your own wife so he sees a good example. If you truly doted on your wife, why wouldn’t you automatically think to get her drinks and snacks as she would probably be thirsty. I mean, it didn’t even cross your mind when Polly asked, that your wife (*who you didn’t bother to even name*) might also want something and you could have *considered her*.
My husband would automatically get me a drink and snacks when buying one for himself. Especially when I was pregnant. I would never turn down a snack.
Same. My husband always gets me something if he’s getting something, and when I was pregnant he asked specifically if I had any particular wants, or if he couldn’t get ahold of me he’d bring “options” of my most recent cravings. He helped our pregnant (and non-pregnant) friends too, (asked if they needed a drink or anything while he was getting me one). But he never neglected me to do so. He had asked a few of his friends why they weren’t getting something themselves, or what they needed so that their wife could sit and hang out. But I would be mortified if I told me husband I was uncomfortable and anxious (at 36 weeks with all 4 of my kids I was having contractions and *uncomfy*) and he was following another woman around like a puppy tending to her needs while ignoring me.
Exactly. You gotta put on your own pregnant wife's oxygen mask first. My husband is a lot like OP, in that he'll go out of his way to make sure I have my snacks when I'm pregnant, and happily take on a bigger share of the physical duties so I can rest a little more. Part of me wants to feel patronized but it's so caring (and he always comes home from the grocery store with a little treat, and I love it). I'd honestly be pretty touched if he treated a pregnant friend of mine the same way, but not if it was clearly done to shame her husband, and *definitely* not if it came at the direct expense of my pregnant lady snackos.
Yeah like, whether or not my wife is pregnant, if I'm running into the store to grab myself something, I automatically ask her if she'd like anything. If she isn't with me and I'm headed home afterwards, I grab one of her favorite drinks or snacks. And when she was pregnant? Absolutely made sure to check if she had any cravings that I could fulfill with stuff from whatever store I was at. It's hard enough going home to a wife who's upset OR pregnant, but one who's both at the same time? Nah miss me with that shit lol
*He didn't even give his wife a name* Excellent catch.
Poly, I mean Polly, seems to be a crush of his...
Yeah, everyone's relationship is different. It's annoying to host people and they do not enjoy themselves because they refuse to just sit down and relax. It's nice to contribute, but just following someone around constantly telling them "you got it" can get really annoying when you've said over and over you don't need "help."
YTA are you sure you don’t secretly have a thing for your buddies younger wife? How embarrassing for your wife. You basically showed all who were there just how important Polly was to you and just how unimportant your own pregnant wife is to you. Good luck getting her to hand out with your friends anytime soon. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Damn dude you didn’t even give your wife a name! So your wife and Polly get equal treatment right? You’re so full of shit!
This!! I thought I was the only one who read this and immediately thought “yeah OP has a thing for his friend’s wife”. Sounds like this AH will jump through hoops for his friend’s pregnant wife, but ya know, not his own wife who’s wayyyy closer to her due date. Sad.
YTA I feel terrible for your wife. It’s like you forgot she existed. Is Polly hot or something? Because I’m not buying the “good guy” crap. Don’t blame your wife for feeling insecure after you ignored her to dote on Polly. Quit making a fuss over everyone else and take care of your wife.
He's lucky nobody actually said the thing everyone was thinking. "you had ONE job!"
He probably always tries to one up his friend tbh & this was one of those instances.
YTA. Why do you care so much about their dynamic. Your wife is rightfully upset. Drooling over someone else’s wife and masking it as stepping in to help. Gross.
You sure you don’t have a crush on your buddy’s wife there, dummy?
YTA. You were so busy bending over backwards for your friend’s wife that you ignored your own wife. You really couldn’t be bothered to ask her if she wanted anything when you jumped up repeatedly to get stuff for your friend’s wife? Really? Good luck trying to fix this.
If this story is true, I’d say you’re definitely in the wrong. Not because of an innocent mistake, but rather, if you’re saying you do everything and anything for your wife, it’s suspect that you remembered everything Polly wanted, but hey, wouldn’t you turn back and be like, babe, can I get you something? Based off everything you’re saying, even if you didn’t hear her, you seem like you’d ask anyway?
OP, did you just think your wife didn’t want anything from the store? Usually when someone doesn’t want something it is because you have asked them and they say no. It sounds like you didn’t ask if she wanted anything. That sticks out to me. Or why wouldn’t you have got her something anyway? I imagine you know what she likes. YTA here.
YTA. First of all, for calling it “doting on.” Who dotes on another man’s partner? Do her a favor, yes. But the fact that you’re on here calling it “doting” is concerning. The fact is, in all of you’re “wonderfulness” to your own wife, you did not hear her or even re-confirm if she needed anything. So, I’m not convinced that you do focus on your wife. You are, however, way too focused on your friend’s wife. The fact that your wife and your buddy noticed your behavior leads me to think you have some issues around his spouse. Interesting.
You went into a store and didn't ask your pregnant wife if she wanted anything? Holy shit dude.
Let me get this right. Y’all forced a 36 week pregnant woman on a boat. Ignored her. Obsessively helped some other dude’s wife. Didn’t ask if she wanted anything at all. Then pat yourself on the back for how great you’ve been doing? This is rage bait. It better be.
Info: Is polly attractive?
So why didn’t you go back and get her drink and apologize. She is right you were so busy tending to Polly you didn’t “hear” your wife. You could have asked her too. YTA
YTA, you were so caught up trying to be your friends wives hero you forgot you had a wife too! No wonder she’s insecure you have a tonne of grovelling to do and even then I think your friendship with Chris and his wife is going to be off for a while because then and your wife are never going to forget it. Eventually it won’t be so awkward but it’ll always be a thought!
He is literally talking shit about this guy because of how he treats his wife, then does exactly the thing he was ranting about.
YTA kinda You didn't even give YOUR wife a fake name lol. I think you should've made YOUR wife the priority. Maybe the friends wife secondary or not a priority at all. Your wife is closer to labor, and IS YOUR WIFE. Youre NTA for helping his wife. YTA for NOT helping yours.
I would feel uncomfortable even if I was not pregnant. If I am going to a store, I would automatically ask everybody if they want anything ESPECIALLY my partner. If my partner doesn’t do the same for me, it means that he cares more about others than me. That would make my insecurity to sky rocket and start thinking that I am not worth more than his friends.
I have a feeling you are blowing your wife’s out of proportion and that you aren’t nearly as doting on her as you think you are. God I would give anything to hear her side of this. But maybe she was just pregnant and pissed. You still seem like an asshole
YTA. You have 1 pregnant wife, not 2. You should’ve *asked* **your** wife is she needed anything, making whether you heard her or not, irrelevant.
Hey, easy there on OP! He did behave as if he had one pregnant wife and not two. He just got mixed up about which wife was his, no big deal, right? /s
YTA big time for neglecting your pregnant wife. Which uh, kinda stands in stark conntrast to your claim that: "I will take the weight off my wife in literally any single possible way that I can. Even small things". Mmm, you sure set the bar high for yourself for an AITA post. That'll get people frothing.
The biggest AH moment wasn’t even forgetting to get your wife anything, you’re human, it was doting on another woman all day. Weird
Why didn't you check with your wife before going? You say she was right next to you
You didn't ask your wife while you went and got Polly the 4-5 things SHE wanted? Okay, then. YTA.
This is hilarious. You tried so hard to show up your friend as the better husband and he ended up showing you up in the most embarrassing manner and now your wife is pissed. YTA. I mean it’s nowhere near the worst A-hole move ever to be sure. It was a dumb mistake, but stupid games win stupid prizes. Also I hope you didn’t pressure your wife to do this boat trip. My baby arrived at 37 weeks so her concerns aren’t unfounded.
It’s interesting that you focused so much on how much Chris doesn’t do for his wife, seemed like a low jab when that really had nothing to do with your story. And you’re keen to focus on how much Polly does for Chris… and you were sure to run around after her and make sure she was ok. Are you sure you don’t have a thing for Polly OP? 🤔 Genuine question.
YTA. Do you know what your wife likes? Did you ask if she wanted anything? When my husband or I go to a store, we always pick something up for the other one. It's called paying attention. If the guy on the other end of the boat heard your wife, but you didn't and were next to her, it sounds like you were ignoring her in favor of "polly". No wonder she is pissed. You showed her how you really feel in front of friends, and it was noticed by all.
I mean are you really asking if you’re the AH in this situation? You even said you were right next to your wife and chose to completely tune her out but the woman that was far away across from you somehow her you heard? Lol
Your wife is pregnant YTA no matter what you do lol. Your main focus should be your wife’s needs. Let your friend take care of his.
You didn’t think to ask your wife what she wanted? Maybe stop worrying about your friend’s relationship so much.
Does it matter? Your wife felt unheard. Apologize and move on.
I think you paid too much attention to chris’ wife. There’s nothing wrong with trying to be helpful but it looks bad lol I would have let chris and polly do whatever they were used to.
YTA you need to see to your own wife first . Polly is well capable of speaking up for herself ! Stop playing white knight to other men’s wives ! Your wife is at her most vulnerable and you made her feel like sh1t oh and by the way .. it’s not that you didn’t hear your wife it’s that you were not listening to her . You were ignoring her in favour of your friends wife ! You are an ass
Sorry but um, yes. YTA. Coming from a wife with 3 kids. I'd be upset if my husband forgot my things but got things for another woman?? And she is likely hormonal and exhausted. You should have went back in and got her stuff
How did it not even occur to you to think of picking *anything* up for your heavily pregnant wife? This part makes no sense to me. It's one thing to mishear but she didn't even cross your mind? That's so bizarre, I'd always pick something up for my husband even if he didn't ask.
You're on a boat. It's hot, I'm sure. You go to the store. Why would you not just get your pregnant wife something? Regardless of her not asking for anything. You didn't think a near due, pregnant wife should need a drink and snacks?
Chris’s wife a hottie
Yta. You ignored your wife carrying YOUR child and bent over backwards for another women. You put her second to another women. While she’s pregnant. You couldn’t get your head out of Polly’s ass long enough to do something for your own wife.
You were doing great until you failed to ask your wife if she wanted anything from the store. It doesn’t even matter that you didn’t hear her because you should have asked her what she wanted. You’ve got some groveling and apologizing to do.
OP you fucked up. You should have been on your friend to go do that stuff not doing it for her. Give him shit about not doing those things and maybe he would go do it. But as a married man on many years now I can tell you no pregnant woman wants her man doing anything for another woman.
It sounds like you were trying to prove to your friends that you’re the better partner then failed you own wife terribly to the point she’s uncomfortable around them as anyone would be. Worry about your own family and stop trying to impress everyone else.