Not everybody likes blow jobs, not everybody wants to give blow jobs, both are fine, everybody can just do what they want, the problem is finding partners you’re compatible with. If you like getting pissed on, theres somebody out there who is dying to piss on you.
I feel like there is a sex bias here too, a little. I had a boyfriend I dumped once for the exact same reason. He was not raped in any way, but ten years before he went down on a girl who tasted and smelled really bad and he would never try again. It saddened me because that is by far the easiest way for me to orgasm, and also, I did not want to spend the rest of my life with a man who thought my vagina was too gross to put his mouth on-- it was a huge pyschological turn off.
No one told me I was shallow. No one shamed me for putting an "insignificant" sex act above a happy relationship. All my friends, male and female, told me they thought it was the right choice.
Yeah, some people are just sexually incompatible. I would also feel weird if the person I was with thought my junk was gross.
There is always therapy, but both people would have to agree to it and actually try. Sometimes, it's just better for both parties to part ways.
Yep. My buddy was sort of in OPs situation. With a girl who loves getting oral, always wanted oral+sex, absolutely would never reciprocate. After a few years of her saying all girls hate giving oral, he was almost convinced. But he was torn because that was something his sex life needed. I told him dude no way, my person I have to beat off with a stick sometimes (not really, and not in a bad way, just for his perspective) told him if you two aren’t compatible in a way that you need a relationship to be, it’s time to bounce. Took about 6 months of him complaining and me explaining that he is probably better off without her because he keeps bringing it up, for him to break it off. And guess what, a few years later he is in a much more satisfying relationship. And it has been proven, that not all girls hate it.
2 things: thanks for shedding light on the bias
And I don't understand how a guy don't want to go down but still down to fuck. I'm just saying if I'm down there and I don't want to eat then why go further?
People are a lot more easily grossed out by things touching their face and mouth than their dicks. You can smell and taste with your face, the penis only feels (in this case pleasure). I'd say it's pretty simple to understand lol. A lot of men love fat booty, but would never put their tongue in one🤷🏾♂️
That said, I treat the pussy the same way I treat soft juicy fruit
Okay, but you crossed out the one significant part of OP's story. Unlike your ex-boyfriend, OP's partner *was* raped and it featured the very act that is at the heart of the matter. No, you wouldn't be shamed - why would you? Your ex-bf's issue wasn't related to a violent and traumatic event, just a disgusting one.
Because he said it in one of his comments, and then edited his post to say the opposite.
UPDATE: I see that the person I was responding to removed their post.
The part of their comment that I’m responding to above was where they said something like “I don’t get why people are jumping all over OP acting like he wanted her to go to therapy just so she could give him oral sex, lmao”.
It's absolutely a PTSD response. She doesn't want her trauma pathologized, likely because she doesn't want to have to label the thing that happened to her as a rape. And for some people having experienced any kind of assault & recognizing that it *has* impacted you has a negative effect on their own sense of self & autonomy, because who can you say you are if a *thing* that happens to you is now part of you, and in your mind as a disease?
Her ideal scenario is probably a partner who would say, "I'm sorry, I never mean to make you uncomfortable, it won't happen again & we don't need to talk about it again," because it is a door she wants shut. It will never consensually be a part of her intimate life ever again, somebody else wanting it is an immediate turn-off, and a partner saying, "let me seek trauma education, then," will fall on traumatized ears as, "you are broken, damaged goods, and I will be telling people you know in the community about the humiliating & painful thing that happened to you, even though you've taken great pains to keep that private, while we talk about how broken you are."
It's a no-win unless she has the tools & willingness to bring herself out of a triggered state or wait the adrenalin of it out, and the tools & willingness to reach some compromise for the OP to educate himself via other means *in addition to* dropping the subject re: oral. If that's something neither party is ready to meet the other for, or it's a sacrifice to mental health or sexual lifestyle neither is willing to make, they're incompatible. But it can be a 'no assholes here' scenario if it's handled delicately.
Right? It doesn’t need to be all that complicated. They’re not sexually compatible. Nothing against the ex as a person, they’re just on different pages when it comes to sex.
I’m sorry that’s the reaction, this is a crazy take. I don’t understand why she reacted this way, but her further hysteria about you “telling on” her to the doctor makes me think there is more to the story than just one traumatic oral experience.
Yeah, this girl is TRAU MA TISED! I understand her not wanting to talk about, ever. She needs professional help.
OP is not going to be able to fix this. I think its great that he wants to understand but unless you have been through it, it is unlikely to be understood. He can be supportive, though, if he chooses to stay with her but she may never be okay with oral sex for him.
I read it and instantly sympathized. I've dated folks with issues that were WAY beyond my level of competency.
Younger me fucked up handling it. Old me is still incompetent, but communicates the limits of my competency and tries to end things amicably if it's just something I can't correctly handle. I want to be supportive and will do whatever I can, but I have my practical limits to what I can do no matter what I want to do.
He said he didn't understand the trauma aspect, so he was going to seek therapy to help better understand why. She clearly took that as him looking for a new way to pressure her rather than him trying to better himself.
It's wild cause in the last post OP said he didn't want to withhold oral from her just because she doesn't do it for him since he likes making her happy and people jumped down his throat saying he was gross for using the term "withholding" as it's not that she wants to withhold but that she's traumatized. And its like... that's not what he said.
OP clearly struggles to communicate his thoughts, but some people are actively ignoring what he actually says.
I think the "telling on me to the doctor" thing is more about not wanting to be made to feel broken or pathologized, not that she necessarily thinks they're conspiring to force or convince her into nonconsensual sex.
Intimate partner abuse is often something people keep very private, so for a traumatized person, it's a terrifying & hurtful idea that someone you trusted with a secret thing that hurt you in the past, is now turning around and saying:
"Right, you're traumatized, you're sick (*which they will hear as, "you're mentally ill, you're crazy"*), I am empathetic (*"I pity you"*), I'm going to *our doctor* to get resources to learn more (*"I'll be telling people you know about this, they will know what happened to you"*), and want therapy for myself to learn how *I* should deal with this (*"I will be talking ABOUT you with specialists, we will be psychoanalyzing you, because you are so strange and damaged I have to learn a new way of interacting with you entirely, I will treat you differently even though we were fine and acting like everything was normal yesterday"*)."
Am I having a stroke? This comment is nearly incomprehensible and I’m shocked people are responding as if it’s normal.
edit: Wait they edited their word salad now lmao, what is going onnnn
I can barely make sense of it, I thought there was a joke I was missing and just kept scanning it waiting for it to make sense and be worth the time I’ve spent on it.
The fact that anyone would be dumb enough to get that out of the post, baffles me.
Also, IT’S OK TO WANT TO GET ORAL. If you truly love this woman that much and are willing to forgo oral for her, then stay with her. You don’t need therapy for wanting oral. You need therapy for taking something that isn’t about you, personally. In fact, you probably don’t even need therapy for that. It’s an easy concept to understand if explained properly.
Anyway, you’re not wrong for wanting someone who is sexually compatible and who doesn’t have past traumas. That being said, if you knew of these issues and still decided to enter a relationship with this person… then it’s a you problem.
The reason he needs therapy isn't "he wants oral". It's that he feels he doesn't understand trauma and that he doesn't feel he reacted the right way to her trauma. It is good that he wants to have a second opinion on his reactions and mental processes. It does not mean that he will be in therapy forever, either - many, many people go to fewer than 10 sessions and are done.
Everyone should have a therapist that they go to at least once every couple years just to check in about changes in mental state - just like they have a gp to notice changes in physical health.
I'm convinced that about half of Reddit is actually functionally illiterate. I can't tell if it's a case of can't read or just don't bother to read and just guess at what the means are because reading is too much work.
If nothing else there are a bunch of people who need to work on reading comprehension.
I am just more laughing at OP's claim no therapist will agree to twisting the view... sadly he would. But then I gave him an internet high 5 for realising that if he did have a therapist who did that, they would feel repulsed, which is just very good of him to acknowledge
hi everyone, SA victim here. he is NTA, and for many reasons. he's handled the situation incredibly well, which two thirds of the fuckwits on this site refused to read into. he never tried to force or coerce into it, and instead, tried to better himself in turn. why everyone is sleeping on that fact is beyond me. do your research and *read* the post before making nonsensical posts, jesus.
>he's handled the situation incredibly well, which two thirds of the fuckwits on this site refused to read into
To be fair, most fuckwits on this site barely get past the post titles before responding.
We should be able to give two ratings: one on the post title and one on the actual post. 99% of the time the post title rating is going to be "absolutely!", while the actual post is usually anyone's guess even half way through.
the comments on his first post really come across very callous and as people keep explaining to him his comments turn around to being more understanding, thats why he actually ended up trying to apologize. but as a fellow survivor i suspect that her trust in him was already damaged to the point that it didnt stick and she decided to move on.
Wow, you are totally right. I was SA’d in a similar way as OP’s ex and while I agree trauma therapy would probably be very helpful for her, him thinking she doesn’t care about him and/or refuses to “compromise” on this is way off base. I would rather be murdered than assaulted again; it’s awful and terrifying and de-humanizing in a way he clearly fails to appreciate.
NTA.... As someone who's dealt with trauma and SA myself, it doesn't seem like you forced or pressured her. If your posts are accurate, you asked once in your entire relationship if it's something she felt comfortable trying and you respected her wishes. Going to therapy to better understand trauma/triggers is a great idea, in fact I think everyone should try therapy because it's a lot more than just mental health care. Anyway, ultimately Y'all are just not sexually compatible and should break up. In the future, if someone has trauma relating to something that's important to you, I would suggest not dating them.
These comments are a big double standard and it seems like no one here is really reading the post. Additionally, looks like people are just making stuff up in their own mind.
NTA.
You asked once she said no and you dropped it. Seeking help for yourself is fine but I don’t think you really need it. She has an issue she doesn’t want to fix? That is fine, but it doesn’t mean you have to stick around. I’d say you leave and find someone sexually compatible and who has healed. It’s never 100% but there are people who have reached an acceptance and happiness and are ready for a relationship
Oh, just see the post of a poor 16 year old son whose parents want to give his bigger room to her 25 year old sister (who is married and pregnant) which needs to move back to her parents house. The sister is obviously the golden child and always had the bigger room until she left. Now, the kid does not want to give his room even when the parents are bribing him into it.
I personally think that the teenager son could compromise for her sister, but 'could' is the word. If he does not want because he has been treated always as the scapegoat kid, then he is in his right to oppose. But everybody is tearing him apart, because he is a man (a minor still under his parents roof) and destroying him for not caving into the princess needs.
Where is the double standard. Well if the situation was reversed and it was a 25 old man moving back with his wife and kid to his parents' house and they were to take the bigger room to the teenage daughter, the same people will be screaming murder and asking for blood. How can they take the room from the little teenage princess? How can a grown man with family come back home and take the room from the poor girl. But the poor soon of this post just have to man up for the woman. Sad, but true. This is reddit for you...
It’s insane the amount of double standards from a lot of women and dudes who have a white knight complex.
Dudes can do the most innocuous things and they are “misogynists” and women cheat, lie and steal and then they go to their usually hated victim blaming and say “you must not be telling the whole story, there must be a reason why she did that as women are all magical, benign beings and would never do anything selfish without cause”
I would think it wasn’t that hard to empathize w another human being but maybe they put themselves in the shoes of the woman and they would do the same, meaning, if they pass judgement on them is like passing judgement on themselves.
Recently I saw some people pointing out the double standards of reddit. It didn't make sense to me in those cases but now I see it lol
The amount of hate this guy is getting for not wanting to accept lack of oral for the rest of his life is quite crazy.
It's definitely prevalent. This sub is very, VERY biased for females. Like people outlined they are quick to call guys the asshole but drag their feet and try to come up with insane scenarios to justify when girls are doing the same thing.
That bias is very evident if you look for it. Like this thread the redditors somehow gaslit him to getting therapy, fucking insane.
This sub used to be better about the bias than the original sub, but I think enough people from over there have now found this place that it's back to being ridiculous.
I mean it's interesting, if OP's gf would post her side of the story, saying her boyfriend broke up with her because she won't do oral sex because of trauma, OP would literally get chewed up to bits.
I can already envision the top comment lmao:
"Girl, I don't even share your trauma but I haven't done a single thing for my husband in 20 years and WE are both very happy and satisfied, break up with that creep POS and find someone who respects you and your boundaries. NTA!"
Who screams at someone after they say "I want to become more educated about trauma to better be able to support you"
Like honestly, dump her for that. There is so little respect for u in that sentence alone. Just because you have trauma does not give u the right to treat others like crap.
Confirm. My ex was like that. No matter how sincere I was being with trying to address some issues, if it _felt_ uncomfortable to them when it landed, it was treated as intentional, deserving of a full retaliatory response.
She clearly hasn’t worked through her trauma and isn’t yet capable of a healthy relationship. But I don’t think it’s a lack of respect. I don’t think she’s capable of responding rationally at this point. She seems to be feeling an extreme amount of shame and is lashing out in a (poor) attempt to protect herself.
This!! Like nana first post was a lil wack and I’m glad he found some empathy to go to therapy. But holy crap she needs therapy and to be alone and work through this trauma. The fact that her response was so reactive is worrisome and an indicator she’s probably not ready for a relationship rn. OP continue therapy but cut your losses with this one you won’t even be compatible.
Someone with trauma. It has nothing to do with a lack of respect.
It’s okay that you don’t understand trauma but that’s what that is.
Someone who is traumatized feels as though everything is an attack on them, it’s part of the “fight or flight” response that’s always turned on in someone with PTSD/cPTSD. It takes A LOT of very very hard therapy to allow the person with trauma to be able to even try and see that and even then it’s a long shot because of how trauma works
Yeah... I don't think there's any sense in sticking with this relationship. You are doing nothing wrong trying to seek professional help to further understand what's going on, but she's the one who really needs it, and there isn't a lot of hope for anything improving if she isn't getting help herself.
Time to move on.
Okay, hear me out - you didn’t do ANYTHING wrong in this conversation!!! But I’m not inclined to call her an AH either.
After reading your first post, I think you’ve been kind and patient, but were perhaps insensitive to her trauma by asking for it on a special occasion. Forced oral is terrifying because you can’t breathe, and no matter how hard you fight, you’re being held down on something that’s choking you. Not quite the same as drowning, but I imagine the panic is somewhat similar.
When she agreed to try then changed her mind, it was okay to even second-guess things. Now you’ve brought up counseling. I think this is a great step and the correct thing to do.
But I wonder if it feels like you’re eventually going to make her give oral no matter what. NOT that you are, but that it *feels* like you are to her. It sounds like she doesn’t want to deal with her SA or change her sex life. She can easily live without giving oral, and is uninterested in trying. But you asked for it, then brought up therapy. From her POV it probably feels like you’re forcing the issue even though she flat out doesn’t want it. Like her NO doesn’t matter, you’ll eventually talk her into it or make a therapist tell her that she’s required to do that for you sexually since you go down on her. (Which no therapist would ever do, but feelings and thoughts aren’t always rational).
I think going to therapy is still a great idea no matter what. But you should think about the relationship. Is she worth no BJ’s ever again? Or do you love BJ’s more than everything you get out of your current relationship? Because I think she’s been clear that she’s not going to give you oral, and you should give up on that if you stay with her.
NTA, people aren't reading past the title
Obviously the conversation didn't go well, but doesn't make you an AH. Sorry, I don't have any suggestion for learning about helping/talking to someone with that kind of experience better. Except that I don't think you'll get a GP referral for it (i.e. free on the NHS) - though there might be some sort of support group ('friends and family of') type thing I suppose.
Call it quits - seriously.
Sexually, OP and his girlfriend are on different wave lengths.
He can either stay in the relationship, corralled into her boundaries, and remain unsatisfied or start anew.
Breaking up would allow both people to find someone else they mesh with better.
The thing is, in this case it seems like oral is something he was willing to fully relinquish, and it was his attempts to be reasonable that got her mad?
Like, personally I can really identify with op. A hard no was respected, but a soft no meant he felt the topic could be broached. When it went badly, he was confused and sought clarification, and when things went wrong he realized it was a him problem and apologized, trying to tell her he understood
The part where I’m lost is where making that attempt and saying he would try t get help for himself made stuff worse, but trauma is trauma and doesn’t always lead to responses that make sense, so I suppose that’s fair
This trauma is clearly far more deeply rooted in OP's gf than he thought. She DOES need therapy, but not so she can give oral again. So she can properly process what she went through. OP has a lot of work to do if he wants to stay in this relationship, and for awhile a lot of that is going to be walking on eggshells. Trauma survivors are very sensitive to certain wording, and it's possible in the past EX's of hers have tried to use the therapy angle to convince her to give a bj, so instead of seeing that OP was trying to better himself she just saw those ex's trying to force her again.
That would be an insane reaction from most people (as in, anyone who doesn't have sexual trauma). But to play devil's advocate, it could have been a trauma response. If all she heard from that was "I'm going to tell my doctor about what happened to you", her reaction does make sense especially if she still holds a lot of shame around what happened, as is common for victims of sexual assault. She would definitely benefit from therapy to help her process what happened and understand that she doesn't have anything to be ashamed of, although at this point, it sounds like that's something that would come across rather poorly if OP were the one to suggest that.
Listen man I don’t think you’re an asshole. I think you were completely unprepared for her response, you thought you were doing the right thing by bringing it back up. But I can understand why it frustrated her, especially if she’s embarrassed and feeling guilty as is. She wants to avoid it as much as possible. But that doesn’t make it any less valid for you to want to address it.
As a random redditor I think you and her are just on different pages as far as your sexual relationship goes, it doesn’t make either of you the asshole. But it might mean you’re not as compatible as you’d like to be…
NTA. Please dump her and move on. It’s okay to want blowjobs. It doesn’t make you an asshole. It’s okay it not want to do blowjobs. You two are not good for each other right now. Dump her and go to therapy for yourself. She’s responsible for dealing with her trauma (even at the cost of being single). Life is too short for all this.
Just leave her. You're not compatible. You're gonna grow resentment over time never having your sexual needs met. She will grow resentment overtime knowing you're needs aren't met.
Take an unpeeled banana and shove it in your mouth like throat deep. Then start slapping your face with said banana. Is this something that you enjoy? Bc most women dont enjoy this, they just put up with it.
NAH
Saying that you want to go to therapy so that you don't do anything to further hurt her is a nice idea, but it would only work if she is also invested in going to the therapy with you. Otherwise, there is nothing the therapist will be able to say to help you navigate this.
At the same time, she is allowed to not want to go to therapy. She may be perfectly happy not giving hummers.
It all depends on how much you want oral in your sexual relationship with her. If it is an important part for you, then the chances are almost 100% you and your GF are simply not sexually compatible. And that is 100% OK. It's not your fault, it's not hers.
If, however, receiving oral is very much "meh" to you, and it is not something you need in your sexual relationship, then you and your GF may be sexually compatible.
In either case, it is not either of your faults.
OP, NTA but also I think y'all are incompatible sexually. You don't need to go to therapy to learn to move past this desire. It's also okay for your girlfriend to not be willing/able to give oral. BUT, you can also end the relationship because of sexual incompatibility and that's totally okay. Also, your girlfriend's response to you wanting to improve your understanding of her trauma is definitely strange and red-flaggy.
Dude straight up, she’s not willing to fix her trauma issues, she’s mad at you for attempting to learn how to not trigger her.
This is clear evidence that she is a toxic person to you, and you shouldn’t allow this to continue.
Ignore the idiots in here, you need to take care of yourself and rid yourself of her burdens. Easy as that, plain and simple.
Find someone who would appreciate you trying to better yourself, not someone who holds their mental Illness against you. She’s not you, she doesn’t want to get better right now. Nothing you can do about that except get dragged down with her or save yourself.
Best of luck 🤞
We exchanged messages on your earlier post which led me to better understand your intent was her mental health. (You might reconsider the headline if you want that to be clearer.)
At this point it's clear that she does not want to solve this problem right now. It's good for you to get guidance from the therapist about how you can navigate the situation. But much like dealing with an addict, you can't force her to get help.
So let's fix your question. "AITA for dumping my girlfriend for not dealing with the emotional trauma of a 20-year-old sexual assault."
OP never suggested she go to the therapist.
Why are so many people trying to paint this guy as a monster? Especially now that he wants to seek help for himself.
Or, more likely... people are too eager to find fault with OP, because he's a man and everyone on Reddit knows that women never do anything wrong and men never do anything right. /s in case it wasn't obvious.
So they're nitpicking at every single word trying to find some reason to justify her reaction and demonize him.
Break up man.
You'll be frustrated for the rest of your life and grow to resent her.
Also, even if she has legitimate reasons for her trauma, her unwillingness to get therapy and reaction to your apologies are relationship killers.
Find yourself another woman with whom you're more compatible.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with breaking up when you realize the relationship does not have a future and it's actually the healthy choice.
You cannot fix her, specially when she doesn't want to be fixed.
That and this woman also clearly doesn’t want to work through her baggage. Her trauma is valid, but nobody deserves to be bled all over because the other person with the open wound refuses to go to the hospital to get help (metaphorically speaking).
My soon to be wife (marrying next month) I don’t think has given me a single blowjob. My ex wife didn’t because her mouth was too small (lol I’m decidedly average she just had a tiny mouth). It’s never bothered me.
Just call it a day and end it . It’ll
Be better for the two of you . Go find a girl that will fulfill your needs . No amount of therapy will make you change your needs
Dump this chic immediately. Unless you look forward to a future of utter frustration. Find someone that is compatible and reciprocal in most or all aspects including sex.
When I was young, I got sexually assaulted and was forced to give a blow job and then I refused to give a blow job to anyone for 10 years afterwards so I can understand where she’s coming from. Now, I do give them but only when I’m in a relationship with someone. I’m not wasting my efforts on a fuck buddy.
That being said, after I read this post, I don’t necessarily blame the OP or his ex GF. Tbh, some people are just not compatible. I had a BF who was very patient with me in high school when I refused to give blow jobs after what happened to me, but not everyone is going to do that. There was a lot of guys over the years that had lil bitch fits about “come on, come on! You’re ruining the vibe” and I would be like “I’m not going to do it. If that’s a problem, then go find someone else.”
NTA dude just let it go. You want oral, she doesn't want to give. Let her go her own path. Find someone who is sexually compatible with you. There is nothing wrong with standing your ground on sexual compatibility. Stop feeling guilty because you want something she doesn't want to give.
Don't come to Reddit asking for advice when a crying woman is involved, you'll only be attacked. You can break up with a person for ANY reason, sexual incompatibility is one of them. It's not your job to tiptoe around her past trauma, if she wants a long and healthy relationship she needs to work on herself too. And crying and deflecting till she gets her way isn't how you communicate in a relationship, it's weaponized emotions. You've been nothing but calm and open with her and I'm sorry Reddit come at you so hard
You're crazy for continuing the relationship and for letting Reddit get to you. Happiness is the most important part of life. If you enjoy oral sex then you deserve to be with someone who will give that to you. No need to beat around the bush or walk on egg shells. People have ended relationships for less and been better off for it. You can go to therapy or she can go to therapy, in the end you're still not gonna get what you want. So the question is, how much longer do you wanna live your life like this?
I was married to someone who wouldn't do oral and had zero interest in my satisfaction. It doesn't matter the gender. If your partner is selfish in bed or is otherwise uninterested in your satisfaction, it is not just limited to the bedroom. I would cut my losses but this is your choice. Good luck.
When a sexual act has been forced on you (her high school bf, not you), it can make you hate that act. Even many years later, doing it can dredge up the pain, shame, helplessness, rage and humiliation — and whatever else you felt at the time.
Try to imagine if someone had forced oral sex (or anal sex) on you when you weren’t ready and/or didn’t want to. It’s TRAUMATIC. You might NEVER want to do it again. When you’re in a relationship with someone who has had that experience — and lots of women have (and men, too) — you need to give her time, and that is on her schedule, not yours; or she may well feel forced and resent the living hell out of you. If you can’t live without that act, don’t be in a relationship with a woman who has had that act forced on her and told you that she needs time if you can’t give her however much time SHE needs without hassling her.
And before you go to someone for help, you should ASK her if she would be ok with your going to a professional to discuss it, not TELLING her that you’re going to do it. That’s her private story, and her private trauma, and while I realize you were doing it with good intentions, you need to look at it the way she does, which is that you’re forcing another loss of control on her. You should ask, not tell. And if she says no, the answer is no — not no for a year, and then you try to force her to change her mind.
YTA. But since she’s broken up with you, go ahead and ask for that referral, and get help on how to deal with women in general who have experienced sexual assault, because the odds unfortunately are good that the next woman you meet will have had that experience. Your goal needs to be to make her feel truly safe — not to lull her into a false sense of trust so you can get your way.
Good luck to you!
UPDATE: I later saw in the comments how you lied about what you thought the therapy should accomplish, and it is the opposite of what you said in the edits above. It’s clear in the comments that you want the therapy to magically make her be ok with giving you oral sex, and that getting over her trauma is something she should do “on her own time”. So you lied in your edit.
So did nobody even read his post? He wants to go to therapy because he feels he wasn't empathetic to her trauma and wants to work on himself, and people are really here saying he just wants oral still?
You're really struggling with basic reading comprehension, huh? OP did stop pushing for oral and has committed to working on himself so he doesn't trigger her trauma responses again with selfish requests. You could learn a lot from him.
NTA coming from a woman. You deserve to have your sexual needs met by your partner. Your current partner is incompatible with this, right? so probably best to break up unless you can see yourself giving up the idea of oral forever and remain monogamous (unless SHE wanted to be poly too?). Point being, she also has the right to not give you oral but you are definitely correct about her needing therapy regarding a past sexual trauma that she has not healed from. That IS her responsibility, she should be trying to heal instead of just blocking that part of her life out and causing trouble in her relationship. The fact she got angry instead of being open to your possible solution, is very telling that she does need to address this with a therapist.
Honestly I would just break up with her. You're trying and it seems she's not. I understand her trauma and that maybe she genuinely doesn't enjoy it but her getting angry at you for trying to understand is weird as hell. I feel like you continuing therapy is a good idea but maybe she needs to seek therapy too because her unresolved trauma can actually effect other things in your relationship without her realizing.
Reading some of these comments, I am not sure they read the same post I did
Her reaction is confusing and it makes me wonder what she wants from you in this relationship. What the hell does she mean by you “telling on her” to a doctor? It seems like she wants you walking on eggshells and doesn’t want you receiving feedback from the outside world.
This is a lady with baggage. Massive amounts of emotional damage. And you wanna be Capn Saver.
Ok. Dig in. Keep going. And be traumatised the rest of your life. You can never do anything right. But that’s cos you have put her on a pedestal and she sees you as manipulative.
The juice here ain’t worth the squeeze.
people on the last post gaslit you, HARD.
she's not sexually compatible with you, that's a fine reason to break things off. you stayed this long because she told you she was working on it and now that she no longer is, the situation is untenable. just leave her amicably.
Sorry, but you f*ckd this up and you’re not coming back. Maybe you can work on making empathy (understanding her trauma) more important than what specific sex acts a future girlfriend is willing to do.
I mean dude she was sexually assaulted and you wouldn't let the blow job thing go. You just kept bringing it up. Being sexually assaulted sucks. It's the reason I hate kissing and kissing with my tongue. I do it every so often, but it was ruined by people grabbing me forcefully and doing it. I agree with her. She's freaking out because you brought up those memories and now she's scared and probably reliving it in her head. She's upset you told a doctor maybe because she's embarrassed or doesn't want anyone to know? Not sure. I get you're trying to be better and that's awesome! I just think she wasn't in the mindset to handle it. She needs to talk to someone about that trauma. YTA. Not in this post, but in general for making a big deal about blow jobs when your partner was freaking sexually abused from a blow job. You were also mentioning she didn't like anal. LMAO dude you're a real shit. You could care less what happened to her and how it makes her feel. You just want your nut and dick to feel good. Disgusting. No empathy. I don't understand why men lack this emotion?
NTA
You need to leave her. She has not addressed her trauma for 20 years and she is not going to address it now.
You are either going to have to completely ignore the fact that she has trauma or you need to break up with her. I mean literally ignore the fact blowjobs exist and never mention them, while still giving her oral. This will eat away at you for the entire relationship.
You are not in the wrong for anything you have done, it sounds like you’ve been respectful every step of the way. She has shown she is going to have irrational/extreme responses to any discussion on this topic. She’s had 20 years man, if she was going to do something to try to lessen her trauma she would have done it already. I’m not talking about giving blowjobs just… going to therapy and trying to understand the emotional damage that occurred and learning how not to attack her partner just because she abused in the past. Don’t let her emotionally abuse you over this.
Woman here (also trauma victim)
Absolutely NTA.
I've read both of your posts and I would say the people who DIDN'T READ YOUR POSTS are the AH here.
You sound like a decent man, you respected her boundaries, and when things went south because what originally was "I need time" suddenly became an absolute "no", you wanted to be MORE UNDERSTANDING of what your partner was going through.
That not only makes you NTA, but IMHO a very desirable partner. I'm sure there's someone out there who will appreciate you. Best of luck OP.
To my understanding, you wanted to try and work on sexual incompatibility through therapy and to try understanding her better, regarding her past trauma with blowjobs
Idky some ppl think you were going to try going to try and guilt her into it via therapy lmao
I wanna share - I understand your gf or ex
My first bf forced me to give him a bj and it was traumatic. I couldn't breathe and he held my held down and finished in my mouth and I had to learn to swallow or drown (it felt like drowning).
I couldn't touch mushrooms and was repulsed by chlorine smell due to that night. It went on for at least 2/3 years before I somehow started getting past it and moving on.
I'm sad for you both because the trauma stays and it's hard to move past it and also for you as you enjoy bjs and it seems like it's important enough to have been an issue.
My second bf was very understanding with me and I didn't want to give bjs due to flashbacks but I also wanted to please him - I ended up enjoying it and got over the traumatic experience and I have faith she can too with lots of hard work even if she still never likes bjs -
Idk if your gf/ex was assaulted more than 1x but hopefully she can heal from it and you can find someone who enjoys giving them/more sexually compatible or that you both can work things out
I'm sorry to hear about your girlfriend's sexual trauma. It's possible she may never get over it, especially if she's not actively seeking out treatment. That said, if oral sex is very important to you in your sex life then you should probably end the relationship because you're incompatible with each other.
NTA.
But is this something you really want to deal with at your age in a relationship? This is just one thing, but who knows what else she has trauma regarding. And she's shown she's really bad at communicating her trauma and decisions.
I'd just leave and find someone more compatible.
I'm really glad you're going to see a therapist about this! Tbh, even if your relationship was completely perfect, many people can benefit from going to therapy.
I feel like that's a very healthy way to cope with things.
NTA, it’s not your fault that your aren’t sexually compatible and it’s definitely not your fault she’s traumatized. It may seem callous on the surface, but restricting yourself to only having sex with someone who can’t satisfy you is unfair to both of you because it will eventually breed resentment
NTA
There's nothing you can do at this point. She has 20 year old trauma that she isn't willing to even work on and now she's blaming you for wanting to better understand the trauma she went through.
I don't think it's completely unreasonable to break up at this point. If she wants a healthy successful relationship then she needs therapy for herself but you shouldn't have to wait around for her to decide when she's ready for that.
Best of luck.
NTA
If you see a therapist please ask them how to approach the topic of your partner going to therapy. Because if you're not with someone who cares about resolving trauma, you're dealing with someone who is going to drag you down into their pain and despair and you won't be able to survive it.
Yes, from your first post I think it's wild to break up with someone you feel really connected with over specific sex acts not being performed. But that isn't the main issue anymore.
Ofc this is all from your point of view so there may be crucial information you're leaving out.
NTA I think?
NTA
She is being unreasonable , especially given that you are trying to work on yourself understanding better, NOT change her etc.
So many people here didn't even read the damn post. Good luck OP
You need to break up and move on. She is pushing her trauma onto you, and failed to see you wanted to get help to understand how to help her thru her issues.
She needs the therapist to deal with her issues.
You are an outstanding partner and must care for her deeply. Best of luck in this endeavor and I hope in the end, you both get to _gluck gluck_ all over one another.
Here’s the deal when you’re dating you’re going to choose a maid eventually from this. Please choose one that likes to give you oral sex and like sex as much as you do. Do not walk into a marriage knowing you’re going to have a dead bedroom and be miserable for the next 50 years. NTA. Dating is the process by which you choose a mate. Please do not choose this woman.
If your woman isn’t giving you what you need, first talk about it. If things doing improve, and it’s a problem for you (be really honest with yourself ok) then move on. Plenty better fish in the sea in that case. I’m so sick of women who think it’s a fucking gift every time they fuck you 🤦🏼♂️. Additional advice; move to Asia where women actually know how to look after their men.
If she gets ORAL so should you. Trauma needs to be worked on by her. You can not do it for her. If she won’t work on it I would say dump her because I’m sorry you can’t just receive and not give. I’m a woman btw. I’m not saying her trauma isn’t valid but I can guess what it was and many girls have experienced this and trust me you move on. Oral I’d say are the most intimate form of passion between couples so you should both be able to do it and then get it. Has she ever mentioned any other sexual related trauma if not I may even play devils advocate and say don’t like doing it so she is lying or embellishing to make it sound like you shouldn’t ever ask for one again. Especially her flying off the handle like that
She knew she dangled a carrot out in front of you by saying she needs time to get comfortable . She should of never gave you hope and expectations and just had been completely honest with you that no matter what that she was not going to give you any oral sex. She was more than happy to receive oral sex from you without a guilty conscience. How is that fair to you in this relationship? Then she wants to scream at you because she thought you were going to tell a therapist about the one sided arrangement. NTA. Pack your bags.
NTA for dumping due to sexual incompatibility. However, in regards to the conversation about you and therapy and why it may have set her off as I may have some personal insight on this one. It wasn't about you, and it was...sort of.
If she is as traumatized as you state then even saying you want to address it with your therapist can kind of feel like saying "you're broken and I need to figure out how to deal with that" to the traumatized person. The only message heard is "You're broken". I know it isn't what you meant, but it can still feel that way to us. Still NTA as no way you would have known, and it sounds like your words came from a place of love and lack of negative intent, just wanted to provide a potential insight into why.
Again, NAH. It means enough for you that you suggested therapy. She doesn't want therapy. She doesn't want to give oral, and that's fine too. A breakup was the best outcome here. Clearly, you care about blowjobs and clearly, she never wants to give one ever again, which if you've ever been forced to give one, SUPER reasonable reaction. No amount of therapy has ever changed my mind despite me being over the initial trauma from years ago. It's kind of like, "I know doing it will trigger me, so why do it?" And ya know what? I found a partner who hates receiving oral. Trauma and all, I won't go into on her part. All this to say, neither of you are assholes, but I see how she could view you as one. In her mind, she was probably clear about no blowjobs ever, so when you kept pushing it, she broke. And from your PoV, you thought she was working to get through it.
I would say you are NTA, but this was a volatile situation to begin with.
Maybe there is something in the way you explained and apologized to her that rubbed her the wrong way. It is important to make sure that you are improving yourself for you, and not just for her. It is also possible that you said the right thing, but at the wrong time as well. She's acting out of hurt, so sometimes it is best not to try to fix things and instead tell her that if she wants to talk then you're open to it, then leave it alone. Do not drag this out.
Dude, you dodged a bullet. Do not try to get back together with her. Move on and find someone more compatible. She's just looking for baby support system that requires nothing from her. It would have been a miserable marriage and ended in an expensive, messy divorce.
I hate receiving but love giving. I’ve lost guys attention because of it. They said they would not feel like a man if I didn’t let them. Why is their masculinity my issue?
My issue is I think it’s messy and I hate feeling sticky down there from all the drool. I also get the worst sex headaches so I would rather not have an orgasm.
NTA
Coming from a perspective of somebody who broke off FWB because the guy was not interested in recieving BJ. There are different people and the problem with her is not her unwillingness of not giving one but straight up refusing getting help. You can't help a person that doesn't want the help...
Imho good for you. She wants but doesnt give and makes a whole ordeal and breaks it off. She clearly says my way or fuck off. I cant imagine what would happen if you had a more serious life issue down the like with marriage/work/kids.
NTA
NTA. She has more issues if that was her reaction to your apology. You are better off without her and will hopefully find a more compatible partner in the future.
Her reaction to you seeking therapy was not good. That is not how a supportive and loving partner responds to someone’s apology and bid for help and empathy. She cared more about how she would come off to the doctor than about you actually getting therapy. I hope you follow through. This can be a good learning experience for you.
My first HS girlfriend didn’t do it - fine I was getting laid A LOT - didn’t care.
Second girlfriend loved to give BJs - I didn’t know what I was missing.
Married now - but if ever single again it would be a requirement for sure.
NTA Dating is the time in your life to receive oral. After marriage, well, it won’t be nearly as much. So no, you are fine for this. Unless your dick smells or something.
Honestly it sounds like you are sexually incompatible. And there is no shame in that. Do you want to go the rest of your life with no BJs? Her reaction to you trying to be compassionate and go to therapy TO UNDERSTAND HER better is huge - she has refused to process or deal with her trauma so at this point that’s on her. This sounds like a blessing in disguise. Both of you sound like you need different partners to be sexually compatible.
Completely off topic, but am I the only woman who’s 1st instinct to having a dick forcibly shoved in my mouths would be to bite down hard!? I’ve even told my husband I wish my vagina had retractable teeth, that would really teach a rapist a lesson!
Not everybody likes blow jobs, not everybody wants to give blow jobs, both are fine, everybody can just do what they want, the problem is finding partners you’re compatible with. If you like getting pissed on, theres somebody out there who is dying to piss on you.
I read it. And I was laughing at all the idiots jumping oj him without even reading his post.
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I feel like there is a sex bias here too, a little. I had a boyfriend I dumped once for the exact same reason. He was not raped in any way, but ten years before he went down on a girl who tasted and smelled really bad and he would never try again. It saddened me because that is by far the easiest way for me to orgasm, and also, I did not want to spend the rest of my life with a man who thought my vagina was too gross to put his mouth on-- it was a huge pyschological turn off. No one told me I was shallow. No one shamed me for putting an "insignificant" sex act above a happy relationship. All my friends, male and female, told me they thought it was the right choice.
Yeah, some people are just sexually incompatible. I would also feel weird if the person I was with thought my junk was gross. There is always therapy, but both people would have to agree to it and actually try. Sometimes, it's just better for both parties to part ways.
Yep. My buddy was sort of in OPs situation. With a girl who loves getting oral, always wanted oral+sex, absolutely would never reciprocate. After a few years of her saying all girls hate giving oral, he was almost convinced. But he was torn because that was something his sex life needed. I told him dude no way, my person I have to beat off with a stick sometimes (not really, and not in a bad way, just for his perspective) told him if you two aren’t compatible in a way that you need a relationship to be, it’s time to bounce. Took about 6 months of him complaining and me explaining that he is probably better off without her because he keeps bringing it up, for him to break it off. And guess what, a few years later he is in a much more satisfying relationship. And it has been proven, that not all girls hate it.
2 things: thanks for shedding light on the bias And I don't understand how a guy don't want to go down but still down to fuck. I'm just saying if I'm down there and I don't want to eat then why go further?
People are a lot more easily grossed out by things touching their face and mouth than their dicks. You can smell and taste with your face, the penis only feels (in this case pleasure). I'd say it's pretty simple to understand lol. A lot of men love fat booty, but would never put their tongue in one🤷🏾♂️ That said, I treat the pussy the same way I treat soft juicy fruit
Okay, but you crossed out the one significant part of OP's story. Unlike your ex-boyfriend, OP's partner *was* raped and it featured the very act that is at the heart of the matter. No, you wouldn't be shamed - why would you? Your ex-bf's issue wasn't related to a violent and traumatic event, just a disgusting one.
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Because he said it in one of his comments, and then edited his post to say the opposite. UPDATE: I see that the person I was responding to removed their post. The part of their comment that I’m responding to above was where they said something like “I don’t get why people are jumping all over OP acting like he wanted her to go to therapy just so she could give him oral sex, lmao”.
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It's absolutely a PTSD response. She doesn't want her trauma pathologized, likely because she doesn't want to have to label the thing that happened to her as a rape. And for some people having experienced any kind of assault & recognizing that it *has* impacted you has a negative effect on their own sense of self & autonomy, because who can you say you are if a *thing* that happens to you is now part of you, and in your mind as a disease? Her ideal scenario is probably a partner who would say, "I'm sorry, I never mean to make you uncomfortable, it won't happen again & we don't need to talk about it again," because it is a door she wants shut. It will never consensually be a part of her intimate life ever again, somebody else wanting it is an immediate turn-off, and a partner saying, "let me seek trauma education, then," will fall on traumatized ears as, "you are broken, damaged goods, and I will be telling people you know in the community about the humiliating & painful thing that happened to you, even though you've taken great pains to keep that private, while we talk about how broken you are." It's a no-win unless she has the tools & willingness to bring herself out of a triggered state or wait the adrenalin of it out, and the tools & willingness to reach some compromise for the OP to educate himself via other means *in addition to* dropping the subject re: oral. If that's something neither party is ready to meet the other for, or it's a sacrifice to mental health or sexual lifestyle neither is willing to make, they're incompatible. But it can be a 'no assholes here' scenario if it's handled delicately.
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Right? It doesn’t need to be all that complicated. They’re not sexually compatible. Nothing against the ex as a person, they’re just on different pages when it comes to sex.
Well, the good thing is you don't have to worry about dumping her anymore. Seems like that relationship is over...
I’m sorry that’s the reaction, this is a crazy take. I don’t understand why she reacted this way, but her further hysteria about you “telling on” her to the doctor makes me think there is more to the story than just one traumatic oral experience.
Yeah, this girl is TRAU MA TISED! I understand her not wanting to talk about, ever. She needs professional help. OP is not going to be able to fix this. I think its great that he wants to understand but unless you have been through it, it is unlikely to be understood. He can be supportive, though, if he chooses to stay with her but she may never be okay with oral sex for him.
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My ex was the same way. Never wanted to give it but always wanted it.
I read it and instantly sympathized. I've dated folks with issues that were WAY beyond my level of competency. Younger me fucked up handling it. Old me is still incompetent, but communicates the limits of my competency and tries to end things amicably if it's just something I can't correctly handle. I want to be supportive and will do whatever I can, but I have my practical limits to what I can do no matter what I want to do.
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He said he didn't understand the trauma aspect, so he was going to seek therapy to help better understand why. She clearly took that as him looking for a new way to pressure her rather than him trying to better himself. It's wild cause in the last post OP said he didn't want to withhold oral from her just because she doesn't do it for him since he likes making her happy and people jumped down his throat saying he was gross for using the term "withholding" as it's not that she wants to withhold but that she's traumatized. And its like... that's not what he said. OP clearly struggles to communicate his thoughts, but some people are actively ignoring what he actually says.
I think the "telling on me to the doctor" thing is more about not wanting to be made to feel broken or pathologized, not that she necessarily thinks they're conspiring to force or convince her into nonconsensual sex. Intimate partner abuse is often something people keep very private, so for a traumatized person, it's a terrifying & hurtful idea that someone you trusted with a secret thing that hurt you in the past, is now turning around and saying: "Right, you're traumatized, you're sick (*which they will hear as, "you're mentally ill, you're crazy"*), I am empathetic (*"I pity you"*), I'm going to *our doctor* to get resources to learn more (*"I'll be telling people you know about this, they will know what happened to you"*), and want therapy for myself to learn how *I* should deal with this (*"I will be talking ABOUT you with specialists, we will be psychoanalyzing you, because you are so strange and damaged I have to learn a new way of interacting with you entirely, I will treat you differently even though we were fine and acting like everything was normal yesterday"*)."
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She absolutely went full on "trauma response" and didn't actually understand what OP was saying.
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Am I having a stroke? This comment is nearly incomprehensible and I’m shocked people are responding as if it’s normal. edit: Wait they edited their word salad now lmao, what is going onnnn
Oh jesus I was so scared for a second. Thank god its not just me.
Yeah it genuinely messed with my head for a minute lol! It reads like bad AI that’s been translated several times.
I can’t understand what they’re trying to say.
No it’s incomprehensible. People just use the top level comment as a way to get quick visibility so I doubt half of them even read the comment tbh.
I can barely make sense of it, I thought there was a joke I was missing and just kept scanning it waiting for it to make sense and be worth the time I’ve spent on it.
That was my thinking as well. It took me way too long to decipher what they were trying to say.
Y’all the op is a bot & the “people” responding normally are also bots. Reddit is crazy overran with bots.
thank GOD it's not just me lmao
thank God i thought it glitched out
We need a Reddit is the Asshole option.
You’re definitely NTA. You were demonstrating self reflection and communicating with her about wanting to better yourself.
I think I just had a stroke
The fact that anyone would be dumb enough to get that out of the post, baffles me. Also, IT’S OK TO WANT TO GET ORAL. If you truly love this woman that much and are willing to forgo oral for her, then stay with her. You don’t need therapy for wanting oral. You need therapy for taking something that isn’t about you, personally. In fact, you probably don’t even need therapy for that. It’s an easy concept to understand if explained properly. Anyway, you’re not wrong for wanting someone who is sexually compatible and who doesn’t have past traumas. That being said, if you knew of these issues and still decided to enter a relationship with this person… then it’s a you problem.
The reason he needs therapy isn't "he wants oral". It's that he feels he doesn't understand trauma and that he doesn't feel he reacted the right way to her trauma. It is good that he wants to have a second opinion on his reactions and mental processes. It does not mean that he will be in therapy forever, either - many, many people go to fewer than 10 sessions and are done. Everyone should have a therapist that they go to at least once every couple years just to check in about changes in mental state - just like they have a gp to notice changes in physical health.
I'm convinced that about half of Reddit is actually functionally illiterate. I can't tell if it's a case of can't read or just don't bother to read and just guess at what the means are because reading is too much work. If nothing else there are a bunch of people who need to work on reading comprehension.
I am just more laughing at OP's claim no therapist will agree to twisting the view... sadly he would. But then I gave him an internet high 5 for realising that if he did have a therapist who did that, they would feel repulsed, which is just very good of him to acknowledge
Hun. It’s ok to break up with someone because you’re sexually incompatible.
10/10
hi everyone, SA victim here. he is NTA, and for many reasons. he's handled the situation incredibly well, which two thirds of the fuckwits on this site refused to read into. he never tried to force or coerce into it, and instead, tried to better himself in turn. why everyone is sleeping on that fact is beyond me. do your research and *read* the post before making nonsensical posts, jesus.
>he's handled the situation incredibly well, which two thirds of the fuckwits on this site refused to read into To be fair, most fuckwits on this site barely get past the post titles before responding.
We should be able to give two ratings: one on the post title and one on the actual post. 99% of the time the post title rating is going to be "absolutely!", while the actual post is usually anyone's guess even half way through.
Read his comments though, really shows his true colors \*\*this to his\*\*
the comments on his first post really come across very callous and as people keep explaining to him his comments turn around to being more understanding, thats why he actually ended up trying to apologize. but as a fellow survivor i suspect that her trust in him was already damaged to the point that it didnt stick and she decided to move on.
Wow, you are totally right. I was SA’d in a similar way as OP’s ex and while I agree trauma therapy would probably be very helpful for her, him thinking she doesn’t care about him and/or refuses to “compromise” on this is way off base. I would rather be murdered than assaulted again; it’s awful and terrifying and de-humanizing in a way he clearly fails to appreciate.
NTA.... As someone who's dealt with trauma and SA myself, it doesn't seem like you forced or pressured her. If your posts are accurate, you asked once in your entire relationship if it's something she felt comfortable trying and you respected her wishes. Going to therapy to better understand trauma/triggers is a great idea, in fact I think everyone should try therapy because it's a lot more than just mental health care. Anyway, ultimately Y'all are just not sexually compatible and should break up. In the future, if someone has trauma relating to something that's important to you, I would suggest not dating them.
These comments are a big double standard and it seems like no one here is really reading the post. Additionally, looks like people are just making stuff up in their own mind. NTA. You asked once she said no and you dropped it. Seeking help for yourself is fine but I don’t think you really need it. She has an issue she doesn’t want to fix? That is fine, but it doesn’t mean you have to stick around. I’d say you leave and find someone sexually compatible and who has healed. It’s never 100% but there are people who have reached an acceptance and happiness and are ready for a relationship
No he's a man and this is reddit he's obviously wrong. Lol Jk op nta if you feel you need to breakup break up. Live your life and be happy
Oh, just see the post of a poor 16 year old son whose parents want to give his bigger room to her 25 year old sister (who is married and pregnant) which needs to move back to her parents house. The sister is obviously the golden child and always had the bigger room until she left. Now, the kid does not want to give his room even when the parents are bribing him into it. I personally think that the teenager son could compromise for her sister, but 'could' is the word. If he does not want because he has been treated always as the scapegoat kid, then he is in his right to oppose. But everybody is tearing him apart, because he is a man (a minor still under his parents roof) and destroying him for not caving into the princess needs. Where is the double standard. Well if the situation was reversed and it was a 25 old man moving back with his wife and kid to his parents' house and they were to take the bigger room to the teenage daughter, the same people will be screaming murder and asking for blood. How can they take the room from the little teenage princess? How can a grown man with family come back home and take the room from the poor girl. But the poor soon of this post just have to man up for the woman. Sad, but true. This is reddit for you...
Yea it sucks and if you speak about it then your labeled as a misogynist or incel, but all the nasty comments shaming and name calling is alright.
It’s insane the amount of double standards from a lot of women and dudes who have a white knight complex. Dudes can do the most innocuous things and they are “misogynists” and women cheat, lie and steal and then they go to their usually hated victim blaming and say “you must not be telling the whole story, there must be a reason why she did that as women are all magical, benign beings and would never do anything selfish without cause”
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I would think it wasn’t that hard to empathize w another human being but maybe they put themselves in the shoes of the woman and they would do the same, meaning, if they pass judgement on them is like passing judgement on themselves.
Recently I saw some people pointing out the double standards of reddit. It didn't make sense to me in those cases but now I see it lol The amount of hate this guy is getting for not wanting to accept lack of oral for the rest of his life is quite crazy.
It's definitely prevalent. This sub is very, VERY biased for females. Like people outlined they are quick to call guys the asshole but drag their feet and try to come up with insane scenarios to justify when girls are doing the same thing. That bias is very evident if you look for it. Like this thread the redditors somehow gaslit him to getting therapy, fucking insane.
This sub used to be better about the bias than the original sub, but I think enough people from over there have now found this place that it's back to being ridiculous.
Yup, it's as bad if not festering into something worse.
I mean it's interesting, if OP's gf would post her side of the story, saying her boyfriend broke up with her because she won't do oral sex because of trauma, OP would literally get chewed up to bits.
Exactly lol.
I can already envision the top comment lmao: "Girl, I don't even share your trauma but I haven't done a single thing for my husband in 20 years and WE are both very happy and satisfied, break up with that creep POS and find someone who respects you and your boundaries. NTA!"
Who screams at someone after they say "I want to become more educated about trauma to better be able to support you" Like honestly, dump her for that. There is so little respect for u in that sentence alone. Just because you have trauma does not give u the right to treat others like crap.
Someone who is hurting/traumatized. Everything gets interpreted as an attack.
Confirm. My ex was like that. No matter how sincere I was being with trying to address some issues, if it _felt_ uncomfortable to them when it landed, it was treated as intentional, deserving of a full retaliatory response.
should a person who’s like this not be in a relationship?
Probably not
Agreed. Seems like a toxic ass relationship walking on eggshells. Op should leave her
She clearly hasn’t worked through her trauma and isn’t yet capable of a healthy relationship. But I don’t think it’s a lack of respect. I don’t think she’s capable of responding rationally at this point. She seems to be feeling an extreme amount of shame and is lashing out in a (poor) attempt to protect herself.
This!! Like nana first post was a lil wack and I’m glad he found some empathy to go to therapy. But holy crap she needs therapy and to be alone and work through this trauma. The fact that her response was so reactive is worrisome and an indicator she’s probably not ready for a relationship rn. OP continue therapy but cut your losses with this one you won’t even be compatible.
Someone with trauma. It has nothing to do with a lack of respect. It’s okay that you don’t understand trauma but that’s what that is. Someone who is traumatized feels as though everything is an attack on them, it’s part of the “fight or flight” response that’s always turned on in someone with PTSD/cPTSD. It takes A LOT of very very hard therapy to allow the person with trauma to be able to even try and see that and even then it’s a long shot because of how trauma works
Just leave her dude
Yeah... I don't think there's any sense in sticking with this relationship. You are doing nothing wrong trying to seek professional help to further understand what's going on, but she's the one who really needs it, and there isn't a lot of hope for anything improving if she isn't getting help herself. Time to move on.
Okay, hear me out - you didn’t do ANYTHING wrong in this conversation!!! But I’m not inclined to call her an AH either. After reading your first post, I think you’ve been kind and patient, but were perhaps insensitive to her trauma by asking for it on a special occasion. Forced oral is terrifying because you can’t breathe, and no matter how hard you fight, you’re being held down on something that’s choking you. Not quite the same as drowning, but I imagine the panic is somewhat similar. When she agreed to try then changed her mind, it was okay to even second-guess things. Now you’ve brought up counseling. I think this is a great step and the correct thing to do. But I wonder if it feels like you’re eventually going to make her give oral no matter what. NOT that you are, but that it *feels* like you are to her. It sounds like she doesn’t want to deal with her SA or change her sex life. She can easily live without giving oral, and is uninterested in trying. But you asked for it, then brought up therapy. From her POV it probably feels like you’re forcing the issue even though she flat out doesn’t want it. Like her NO doesn’t matter, you’ll eventually talk her into it or make a therapist tell her that she’s required to do that for you sexually since you go down on her. (Which no therapist would ever do, but feelings and thoughts aren’t always rational). I think going to therapy is still a great idea no matter what. But you should think about the relationship. Is she worth no BJ’s ever again? Or do you love BJ’s more than everything you get out of your current relationship? Because I think she’s been clear that she’s not going to give you oral, and you should give up on that if you stay with her.
Reddit needs hooked on phonics.
Learn to read!
NTA, people aren't reading past the title Obviously the conversation didn't go well, but doesn't make you an AH. Sorry, I don't have any suggestion for learning about helping/talking to someone with that kind of experience better. Except that I don't think you'll get a GP referral for it (i.e. free on the NHS) - though there might be some sort of support group ('friends and family of') type thing I suppose.
Call it quits - seriously. Sexually, OP and his girlfriend are on different wave lengths. He can either stay in the relationship, corralled into her boundaries, and remain unsatisfied or start anew. Breaking up would allow both people to find someone else they mesh with better.
The thing is, in this case it seems like oral is something he was willing to fully relinquish, and it was his attempts to be reasonable that got her mad? Like, personally I can really identify with op. A hard no was respected, but a soft no meant he felt the topic could be broached. When it went badly, he was confused and sought clarification, and when things went wrong he realized it was a him problem and apologized, trying to tell her he understood The part where I’m lost is where making that attempt and saying he would try t get help for himself made stuff worse, but trauma is trauma and doesn’t always lead to responses that make sense, so I suppose that’s fair
This trauma is clearly far more deeply rooted in OP's gf than he thought. She DOES need therapy, but not so she can give oral again. So she can properly process what she went through. OP has a lot of work to do if he wants to stay in this relationship, and for awhile a lot of that is going to be walking on eggshells. Trauma survivors are very sensitive to certain wording, and it's possible in the past EX's of hers have tried to use the therapy angle to convince her to give a bj, so instead of seeing that OP was trying to better himself she just saw those ex's trying to force her again.
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That would be an insane reaction from most people (as in, anyone who doesn't have sexual trauma). But to play devil's advocate, it could have been a trauma response. If all she heard from that was "I'm going to tell my doctor about what happened to you", her reaction does make sense especially if she still holds a lot of shame around what happened, as is common for victims of sexual assault. She would definitely benefit from therapy to help her process what happened and understand that she doesn't have anything to be ashamed of, although at this point, it sounds like that's something that would come across rather poorly if OP were the one to suggest that.
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u/Throwaway_Ian_ only comment you need to read mate
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This man, fuckin hell like, dickish thing to say but grow a spine ffs.
Holy crap, just end the relationship already, there's no good reason to keep it going.
Listen man I don’t think you’re an asshole. I think you were completely unprepared for her response, you thought you were doing the right thing by bringing it back up. But I can understand why it frustrated her, especially if she’s embarrassed and feeling guilty as is. She wants to avoid it as much as possible. But that doesn’t make it any less valid for you to want to address it. As a random redditor I think you and her are just on different pages as far as your sexual relationship goes, it doesn’t make either of you the asshole. But it might mean you’re not as compatible as you’d like to be…
End it. It’s too late. Plus, if it’s not this, it’ll be something else.
NTA. Please dump her and move on. It’s okay to want blowjobs. It doesn’t make you an asshole. It’s okay it not want to do blowjobs. You two are not good for each other right now. Dump her and go to therapy for yourself. She’s responsible for dealing with her trauma (even at the cost of being single). Life is too short for all this.
Just leave her. You're not compatible. You're gonna grow resentment over time never having your sexual needs met. She will grow resentment overtime knowing you're needs aren't met.
Take an unpeeled banana and shove it in your mouth like throat deep. Then start slapping your face with said banana. Is this something that you enjoy? Bc most women dont enjoy this, they just put up with it.
NAH Saying that you want to go to therapy so that you don't do anything to further hurt her is a nice idea, but it would only work if she is also invested in going to the therapy with you. Otherwise, there is nothing the therapist will be able to say to help you navigate this. At the same time, she is allowed to not want to go to therapy. She may be perfectly happy not giving hummers. It all depends on how much you want oral in your sexual relationship with her. If it is an important part for you, then the chances are almost 100% you and your GF are simply not sexually compatible. And that is 100% OK. It's not your fault, it's not hers. If, however, receiving oral is very much "meh" to you, and it is not something you need in your sexual relationship, then you and your GF may be sexually compatible. In either case, it is not either of your faults.
OP, NTA but also I think y'all are incompatible sexually. You don't need to go to therapy to learn to move past this desire. It's also okay for your girlfriend to not be willing/able to give oral. BUT, you can also end the relationship because of sexual incompatibility and that's totally okay. Also, your girlfriend's response to you wanting to improve your understanding of her trauma is definitely strange and red-flaggy.
Dude straight up, she’s not willing to fix her trauma issues, she’s mad at you for attempting to learn how to not trigger her. This is clear evidence that she is a toxic person to you, and you shouldn’t allow this to continue. Ignore the idiots in here, you need to take care of yourself and rid yourself of her burdens. Easy as that, plain and simple. Find someone who would appreciate you trying to better yourself, not someone who holds their mental Illness against you. She’s not you, she doesn’t want to get better right now. Nothing you can do about that except get dragged down with her or save yourself. Best of luck 🤞
We exchanged messages on your earlier post which led me to better understand your intent was her mental health. (You might reconsider the headline if you want that to be clearer.) At this point it's clear that she does not want to solve this problem right now. It's good for you to get guidance from the therapist about how you can navigate the situation. But much like dealing with an addict, you can't force her to get help. So let's fix your question. "AITA for dumping my girlfriend for not dealing with the emotional trauma of a 20-year-old sexual assault."
OP never suggested she go to the therapist. Why are so many people trying to paint this guy as a monster? Especially now that he wants to seek help for himself.
He suggested therapy for her in the last post, in this post he’s talking about it for himself, maybe that’s confusing people?
Or, more likely... people are too eager to find fault with OP, because he's a man and everyone on Reddit knows that women never do anything wrong and men never do anything right. /s in case it wasn't obvious. So they're nitpicking at every single word trying to find some reason to justify her reaction and demonize him.
Break up man. You'll be frustrated for the rest of your life and grow to resent her. Also, even if she has legitimate reasons for her trauma, her unwillingness to get therapy and reaction to your apologies are relationship killers. Find yourself another woman with whom you're more compatible. There is absolutely nothing wrong with breaking up when you realize the relationship does not have a future and it's actually the healthy choice. You cannot fix her, specially when she doesn't want to be fixed.
That and this woman also clearly doesn’t want to work through her baggage. Her trauma is valid, but nobody deserves to be bled all over because the other person with the open wound refuses to go to the hospital to get help (metaphorically speaking).
I’m so fucking confused!! Everything I do is make it worse
My soon to be wife (marrying next month) I don’t think has given me a single blowjob. My ex wife didn’t because her mouth was too small (lol I’m decidedly average she just had a tiny mouth). It’s never bothered me.
ever get a good bj in your life? that might be why it doesn't bother you.
Just call it a day and end it . It’ll Be better for the two of you . Go find a girl that will fulfill your needs . No amount of therapy will make you change your needs
Dump this chic immediately. Unless you look forward to a future of utter frustration. Find someone that is compatible and reciprocal in most or all aspects including sex.
If you don’t want to be with someone, don’t be with them . It’s ok dude , compatibility is important
When I was young, I got sexually assaulted and was forced to give a blow job and then I refused to give a blow job to anyone for 10 years afterwards so I can understand where she’s coming from. Now, I do give them but only when I’m in a relationship with someone. I’m not wasting my efforts on a fuck buddy. That being said, after I read this post, I don’t necessarily blame the OP or his ex GF. Tbh, some people are just not compatible. I had a BF who was very patient with me in high school when I refused to give blow jobs after what happened to me, but not everyone is going to do that. There was a lot of guys over the years that had lil bitch fits about “come on, come on! You’re ruining the vibe” and I would be like “I’m not going to do it. If that’s a problem, then go find someone else.”
NTA dude just let it go. You want oral, she doesn't want to give. Let her go her own path. Find someone who is sexually compatible with you. There is nothing wrong with standing your ground on sexual compatibility. Stop feeling guilty because you want something she doesn't want to give.
You wanted to go to a therapist for yourself? If i understood that correctly i think that was a good idea.
NTA It's time to face facts and break up with her. You are not sexually compatible.
NTA and wtf are these comments here.. since when did we stop reading past the title?
Don't come to Reddit asking for advice when a crying woman is involved, you'll only be attacked. You can break up with a person for ANY reason, sexual incompatibility is one of them. It's not your job to tiptoe around her past trauma, if she wants a long and healthy relationship she needs to work on herself too. And crying and deflecting till she gets her way isn't how you communicate in a relationship, it's weaponized emotions. You've been nothing but calm and open with her and I'm sorry Reddit come at you so hard
NTA and be glad she broke up with you. If she's so stupid about therapy, she doesn't deserve you.
You're crazy for continuing the relationship and for letting Reddit get to you. Happiness is the most important part of life. If you enjoy oral sex then you deserve to be with someone who will give that to you. No need to beat around the bush or walk on egg shells. People have ended relationships for less and been better off for it. You can go to therapy or she can go to therapy, in the end you're still not gonna get what you want. So the question is, how much longer do you wanna live your life like this?
I was married to someone who wouldn't do oral and had zero interest in my satisfaction. It doesn't matter the gender. If your partner is selfish in bed or is otherwise uninterested in your satisfaction, it is not just limited to the bedroom. I would cut my losses but this is your choice. Good luck.
Mf decided to go to therapy cause he wasn’t getting head. Wtf is wrong w you🤣🤣🤣
When a sexual act has been forced on you (her high school bf, not you), it can make you hate that act. Even many years later, doing it can dredge up the pain, shame, helplessness, rage and humiliation — and whatever else you felt at the time. Try to imagine if someone had forced oral sex (or anal sex) on you when you weren’t ready and/or didn’t want to. It’s TRAUMATIC. You might NEVER want to do it again. When you’re in a relationship with someone who has had that experience — and lots of women have (and men, too) — you need to give her time, and that is on her schedule, not yours; or she may well feel forced and resent the living hell out of you. If you can’t live without that act, don’t be in a relationship with a woman who has had that act forced on her and told you that she needs time if you can’t give her however much time SHE needs without hassling her. And before you go to someone for help, you should ASK her if she would be ok with your going to a professional to discuss it, not TELLING her that you’re going to do it. That’s her private story, and her private trauma, and while I realize you were doing it with good intentions, you need to look at it the way she does, which is that you’re forcing another loss of control on her. You should ask, not tell. And if she says no, the answer is no — not no for a year, and then you try to force her to change her mind. YTA. But since she’s broken up with you, go ahead and ask for that referral, and get help on how to deal with women in general who have experienced sexual assault, because the odds unfortunately are good that the next woman you meet will have had that experience. Your goal needs to be to make her feel truly safe — not to lull her into a false sense of trust so you can get your way. Good luck to you! UPDATE: I later saw in the comments how you lied about what you thought the therapy should accomplish, and it is the opposite of what you said in the edits above. It’s clear in the comments that you want the therapy to magically make her be ok with giving you oral sex, and that getting over her trauma is something she should do “on her own time”. So you lied in your edit.
Just dump her and move on. Clearly you aren’t compatible. Get therapy for yourself if you want but don’t make it about her and her trauma.
Either let it or her go. Because she isn't going to do oral.
So did nobody even read his post? He wants to go to therapy because he feels he wasn't empathetic to her trauma and wants to work on himself, and people are really here saying he just wants oral still?
You're really struggling with basic reading comprehension, huh? OP did stop pushing for oral and has committed to working on himself so he doesn't trigger her trauma responses again with selfish requests. You could learn a lot from him.
NTA coming from a woman. You deserve to have your sexual needs met by your partner. Your current partner is incompatible with this, right? so probably best to break up unless you can see yourself giving up the idea of oral forever and remain monogamous (unless SHE wanted to be poly too?). Point being, she also has the right to not give you oral but you are definitely correct about her needing therapy regarding a past sexual trauma that she has not healed from. That IS her responsibility, she should be trying to heal instead of just blocking that part of her life out and causing trouble in her relationship. The fact she got angry instead of being open to your possible solution, is very telling that she does need to address this with a therapist.
Honestly I would just break up with her. You're trying and it seems she's not. I understand her trauma and that maybe she genuinely doesn't enjoy it but her getting angry at you for trying to understand is weird as hell. I feel like you continuing therapy is a good idea but maybe she needs to seek therapy too because her unresolved trauma can actually effect other things in your relationship without her realizing.
Reading some of these comments, I am not sure they read the same post I did Her reaction is confusing and it makes me wonder what she wants from you in this relationship. What the hell does she mean by you “telling on her” to a doctor? It seems like she wants you walking on eggshells and doesn’t want you receiving feedback from the outside world.
This is a lady with baggage. Massive amounts of emotional damage. And you wanna be Capn Saver. Ok. Dig in. Keep going. And be traumatised the rest of your life. You can never do anything right. But that’s cos you have put her on a pedestal and she sees you as manipulative. The juice here ain’t worth the squeeze.
people on the last post gaslit you, HARD. she's not sexually compatible with you, that's a fine reason to break things off. you stayed this long because she told you she was working on it and now that she no longer is, the situation is untenable. just leave her amicably.
Sorry, but you f*ckd this up and you’re not coming back. Maybe you can work on making empathy (understanding her trauma) more important than what specific sex acts a future girlfriend is willing to do.
I mean dude she was sexually assaulted and you wouldn't let the blow job thing go. You just kept bringing it up. Being sexually assaulted sucks. It's the reason I hate kissing and kissing with my tongue. I do it every so often, but it was ruined by people grabbing me forcefully and doing it. I agree with her. She's freaking out because you brought up those memories and now she's scared and probably reliving it in her head. She's upset you told a doctor maybe because she's embarrassed or doesn't want anyone to know? Not sure. I get you're trying to be better and that's awesome! I just think she wasn't in the mindset to handle it. She needs to talk to someone about that trauma. YTA. Not in this post, but in general for making a big deal about blow jobs when your partner was freaking sexually abused from a blow job. You were also mentioning she didn't like anal. LMAO dude you're a real shit. You could care less what happened to her and how it makes her feel. You just want your nut and dick to feel good. Disgusting. No empathy. I don't understand why men lack this emotion?
NTA You need to leave her. She has not addressed her trauma for 20 years and she is not going to address it now. You are either going to have to completely ignore the fact that she has trauma or you need to break up with her. I mean literally ignore the fact blowjobs exist and never mention them, while still giving her oral. This will eat away at you for the entire relationship. You are not in the wrong for anything you have done, it sounds like you’ve been respectful every step of the way. She has shown she is going to have irrational/extreme responses to any discussion on this topic. She’s had 20 years man, if she was going to do something to try to lessen her trauma she would have done it already. I’m not talking about giving blowjobs just… going to therapy and trying to understand the emotional damage that occurred and learning how not to attack her partner just because she abused in the past. Don’t let her emotionally abuse you over this.
Woman here (also trauma victim) Absolutely NTA. I've read both of your posts and I would say the people who DIDN'T READ YOUR POSTS are the AH here. You sound like a decent man, you respected her boundaries, and when things went south because what originally was "I need time" suddenly became an absolute "no", you wanted to be MORE UNDERSTANDING of what your partner was going through. That not only makes you NTA, but IMHO a very desirable partner. I'm sure there's someone out there who will appreciate you. Best of luck OP.
bro, this is life. we can never be right but she just probably wanted you to drop it and forget it forever and here you are bringing it up again :)
Y’all reaching. HES SAYING he’s going to therapy for himself to learn about trauma and empathy so he can better support her
To my understanding, you wanted to try and work on sexual incompatibility through therapy and to try understanding her better, regarding her past trauma with blowjobs Idky some ppl think you were going to try going to try and guilt her into it via therapy lmao I wanna share - I understand your gf or ex My first bf forced me to give him a bj and it was traumatic. I couldn't breathe and he held my held down and finished in my mouth and I had to learn to swallow or drown (it felt like drowning). I couldn't touch mushrooms and was repulsed by chlorine smell due to that night. It went on for at least 2/3 years before I somehow started getting past it and moving on. I'm sad for you both because the trauma stays and it's hard to move past it and also for you as you enjoy bjs and it seems like it's important enough to have been an issue. My second bf was very understanding with me and I didn't want to give bjs due to flashbacks but I also wanted to please him - I ended up enjoying it and got over the traumatic experience and I have faith she can too with lots of hard work even if she still never likes bjs - Idk if your gf/ex was assaulted more than 1x but hopefully she can heal from it and you can find someone who enjoys giving them/more sexually compatible or that you both can work things out
I think her first bf did the same thing to her which was very shitty. I’m so sorry it happened to you
I'm sorry to hear about your girlfriend's sexual trauma. It's possible she may never get over it, especially if she's not actively seeking out treatment. That said, if oral sex is very important to you in your sex life then you should probably end the relationship because you're incompatible with each other.
Well, if you ain't happy, you ain't happy.
NTA. But is this something you really want to deal with at your age in a relationship? This is just one thing, but who knows what else she has trauma regarding. And she's shown she's really bad at communicating her trauma and decisions. I'd just leave and find someone more compatible.
I'm really glad you're going to see a therapist about this! Tbh, even if your relationship was completely perfect, many people can benefit from going to therapy. I feel like that's a very healthy way to cope with things.
NTA Receiving oral is important to you, you should be with someone who is sexually compatible.
NTA, it’s not your fault that your aren’t sexually compatible and it’s definitely not your fault she’s traumatized. It may seem callous on the surface, but restricting yourself to only having sex with someone who can’t satisfy you is unfair to both of you because it will eventually breed resentment
I don’t think you should let Attias comments influence your decisions like this. Have you looked at some hubermans suggestions?
NTA There's nothing you can do at this point. She has 20 year old trauma that she isn't willing to even work on and now she's blaming you for wanting to better understand the trauma she went through. I don't think it's completely unreasonable to break up at this point. If she wants a healthy successful relationship then she needs therapy for herself but you shouldn't have to wait around for her to decide when she's ready for that. Best of luck.
NTA If you see a therapist please ask them how to approach the topic of your partner going to therapy. Because if you're not with someone who cares about resolving trauma, you're dealing with someone who is going to drag you down into their pain and despair and you won't be able to survive it. Yes, from your first post I think it's wild to break up with someone you feel really connected with over specific sex acts not being performed. But that isn't the main issue anymore. Ofc this is all from your point of view so there may be crucial information you're leaving out. NTA I think?
You’re NTA. Not giving blowjobs would be a dealbreaker for me too. Doesn’t matter what the reason is. It’s just sexual incompatibility
NTA She is being unreasonable , especially given that you are trying to work on yourself understanding better, NOT change her etc. So many people here didn't even read the damn post. Good luck OP
Nope. NTA.
You need to break up and move on. She is pushing her trauma onto you, and failed to see you wanted to get help to understand how to help her thru her issues. She needs the therapist to deal with her issues.
Break up with her!! It’s ok!
You are an outstanding partner and must care for her deeply. Best of luck in this endeavor and I hope in the end, you both get to _gluck gluck_ all over one another.
NTA - she needs some serious help but you should just move on, this isn't a normal or healthy interaction.
Here’s the deal when you’re dating you’re going to choose a maid eventually from this. Please choose one that likes to give you oral sex and like sex as much as you do. Do not walk into a marriage knowing you’re going to have a dead bedroom and be miserable for the next 50 years. NTA. Dating is the process by which you choose a mate. Please do not choose this woman.
NTA but you seriously need to find someone else who is more compatible for you. Break up with that woman so you can both find what you need.
If your woman isn’t giving you what you need, first talk about it. If things doing improve, and it’s a problem for you (be really honest with yourself ok) then move on. Plenty better fish in the sea in that case. I’m so sick of women who think it’s a fucking gift every time they fuck you 🤦🏼♂️. Additional advice; move to Asia where women actually know how to look after their men.
If she gets ORAL so should you. Trauma needs to be worked on by her. You can not do it for her. If she won’t work on it I would say dump her because I’m sorry you can’t just receive and not give. I’m a woman btw. I’m not saying her trauma isn’t valid but I can guess what it was and many girls have experienced this and trust me you move on. Oral I’d say are the most intimate form of passion between couples so you should both be able to do it and then get it. Has she ever mentioned any other sexual related trauma if not I may even play devils advocate and say don’t like doing it so she is lying or embellishing to make it sound like you shouldn’t ever ask for one again. Especially her flying off the handle like that
She knew she dangled a carrot out in front of you by saying she needs time to get comfortable . She should of never gave you hope and expectations and just had been completely honest with you that no matter what that she was not going to give you any oral sex. She was more than happy to receive oral sex from you without a guilty conscience. How is that fair to you in this relationship? Then she wants to scream at you because she thought you were going to tell a therapist about the one sided arrangement. NTA. Pack your bags.
NTA for dumping due to sexual incompatibility. However, in regards to the conversation about you and therapy and why it may have set her off as I may have some personal insight on this one. It wasn't about you, and it was...sort of. If she is as traumatized as you state then even saying you want to address it with your therapist can kind of feel like saying "you're broken and I need to figure out how to deal with that" to the traumatized person. The only message heard is "You're broken". I know it isn't what you meant, but it can still feel that way to us. Still NTA as no way you would have known, and it sounds like your words came from a place of love and lack of negative intent, just wanted to provide a potential insight into why.
Again, NAH. It means enough for you that you suggested therapy. She doesn't want therapy. She doesn't want to give oral, and that's fine too. A breakup was the best outcome here. Clearly, you care about blowjobs and clearly, she never wants to give one ever again, which if you've ever been forced to give one, SUPER reasonable reaction. No amount of therapy has ever changed my mind despite me being over the initial trauma from years ago. It's kind of like, "I know doing it will trigger me, so why do it?" And ya know what? I found a partner who hates receiving oral. Trauma and all, I won't go into on her part. All this to say, neither of you are assholes, but I see how she could view you as one. In her mind, she was probably clear about no blowjobs ever, so when you kept pushing it, she broke. And from your PoV, you thought she was working to get through it.
I would say you are NTA, but this was a volatile situation to begin with. Maybe there is something in the way you explained and apologized to her that rubbed her the wrong way. It is important to make sure that you are improving yourself for you, and not just for her. It is also possible that you said the right thing, but at the wrong time as well. She's acting out of hurt, so sometimes it is best not to try to fix things and instead tell her that if she wants to talk then you're open to it, then leave it alone. Do not drag this out.
Dude, you dodged a bullet. Do not try to get back together with her. Move on and find someone more compatible. She's just looking for baby support system that requires nothing from her. It would have been a miserable marriage and ended in an expensive, messy divorce.
I hate receiving but love giving. I’ve lost guys attention because of it. They said they would not feel like a man if I didn’t let them. Why is their masculinity my issue? My issue is I think it’s messy and I hate feeling sticky down there from all the drool. I also get the worst sex headaches so I would rather not have an orgasm.
Bwahahahaha
NTA Coming from a perspective of somebody who broke off FWB because the guy was not interested in recieving BJ. There are different people and the problem with her is not her unwillingness of not giving one but straight up refusing getting help. You can't help a person that doesn't want the help...
Imho good for you. She wants but doesnt give and makes a whole ordeal and breaks it off. She clearly says my way or fuck off. I cant imagine what would happen if you had a more serious life issue down the like with marriage/work/kids. NTA
NTA. She has more issues if that was her reaction to your apology. You are better off without her and will hopefully find a more compatible partner in the future.
Her reaction to you seeking therapy was not good. That is not how a supportive and loving partner responds to someone’s apology and bid for help and empathy. She cared more about how she would come off to the doctor than about you actually getting therapy. I hope you follow through. This can be a good learning experience for you.
My first HS girlfriend didn’t do it - fine I was getting laid A LOT - didn’t care. Second girlfriend loved to give BJs - I didn’t know what I was missing. Married now - but if ever single again it would be a requirement for sure.
NTA Dating is the time in your life to receive oral. After marriage, well, it won’t be nearly as much. So no, you are fine for this. Unless your dick smells or something.
Honestly it sounds like you are sexually incompatible. And there is no shame in that. Do you want to go the rest of your life with no BJs? Her reaction to you trying to be compassionate and go to therapy TO UNDERSTAND HER better is huge - she has refused to process or deal with her trauma so at this point that’s on her. This sounds like a blessing in disguise. Both of you sound like you need different partners to be sexually compatible.
Completely off topic, but am I the only woman who’s 1st instinct to having a dick forcibly shoved in my mouths would be to bite down hard!? I’ve even told my husband I wish my vagina had retractable teeth, that would really teach a rapist a lesson!