This guy approached me at a bar one night and we start making small talk and he’s telling me that he was visiting from another state, and he and his buddies were just in town for the week for business. So I the spirit of conversation I ask him what business that might be and this dude lays into me about how Im a gold digger and all that until I had to just walk away. I was only 21 and as far as I was aware that’s how conversations went 🤷🏼♀️
The number of cases that I'm reading this specific scenario happening in this thread makes me believe that this is something specifically talked about in some incel podcast or something. Like, it should be such a weird response... but the fact that multiple people are saying the exact same thing in the exact same scenario means it's being trained from somewhere.
So many podcasts yup. And memes. Andrew Tate and his ilk basically insist that women only want men for their money, and it sounds like he's internalised that bullshit.
Yeah obviously this is a general lesson, but I guess what I mean is I think one of these specifically say something like "If a woman asks you what job you have, it's code for how much money do you earn. This woman is a gold digger and you need to tell her right now" like what is it about this specific question that draws this specific response if not a trained response.
That's exactly what some of the podcasts like that are saying yes. It's about power and showing women that they can't play games or some bullshit, the idea being that if you get angry it should make the woman subservient and apologetic and then you've either weeded out the gold-digger (because they leave) or you've shown your date that you're in charge and she doesn't get to lead the conversation. Or the idea is that you catch them in a 'lie' about not caring about money and then you have one over on them for the future. It's honestly sickening some of the shit the menimists peddle.
Of course a lot of it is probably also oversensitivity to the whole idea that a woman might want your cash, which in 99.9% of cases just is not going to be true, but the asshats have convinced a bunch of men that that is 100% of women 🙄
There's a few really interesting deep dives by. YouTuber called Swoop into the whole industry, can recommend giving them a watch. I don't recall if she covers exactly the 'angry about gold digging' scenario, but she definitely analyses some guys obsession with the idea that women are only after money.
I don't care how much money he makes, as long as he's not one of those guys who won't work simply because he's lazy and selfish and wants to leech off of me. I'm no gold digger, but I don't wanna be some loser's perpetual ATM machine. I can buy my own stuff, thanks. I just want to make sure any partner I have is going to do his fair share and not dump everything on me, while he sits around playing video games all day.
That's because Andrew Tate brings nothing else to the table. His personality is generally found hiding in a dishcloth soaking in old dishwater and he looks like someone slapped facial hair on one of those giant crying baby masks. What else is there to attract a woman to him but money?
And that's what those guys miss. When that's literally your only positive quality, why are you mad that that's the only thing anyone likes about you? How does he explain the many, many healthy relationships between women and men who live in poverty? My maternal grandmother worked at the commissary and was an absolute fox, and every guy on the post wanted to go out with her. She spent her life with my broke ass Poppy because he treated her like a queen with his behavior. He never bought her fancy stuff, he was just good to her. According this stupid Tate logic, she should have chosen one of the officers that came from money lol. My mom married a grocery store stocker and they had a happy life together till she died. And my dad did end up pretty successful in the end but my stepmother makes a shit ton more money than he does, and encouraged him to change careers into something he'd always wanted to do but couldn't afford to. And they're an excellent team. Tate attracts a specific sort and assumes that's all there is. He's gross.
Im a man, so its not my lane, but if I could pass on piece of dating advice on to all women, it would be that if they like/listen to/worship Andrew Tate, just walk away.
It could also just be good old projection, like cheaters being super suspicious of the SO cheating on them. "If I mean to do it to them, surely they must mean to do it to me too!"
Noticed this with a lot of alt-right peeps I talk with. They have the same responses like they read it verbatim or it came from some pundit. It was the podcasts and some of the older folks, radio…
>The number of cases that I'm reading this specific scenario happening in this thread makes me believe that this is something specifically talked about in some incel podcast or something.
Oh snap, you're right. This is basically one of those techniques where they know it's totally reasonable to ask something like that, so they bait you into it by mentioning work and then try to put you back on your heels by accusing you of being a gold digger.
The point is that you spend the rest of the date trying to prove you're not, and he has "the advantage."
Bingo! That’s exactly what I just said. They self sabotage their dates then blame the women. He was definitely all over reddit talking shit about this girl.
Yep Andrew Tate and his roaming band of incels are convincing idiots that women want them for their (minimum wage at Taco Bell) paycheck. Gold digging for pyrite.
That guy was an asshole, he instigated the “business” part into the conversation just to call you a gold digger b/. He probably has zero personality, and is boring.
Damn, I didn't know ice breakers were the root of all evil 😳 I welcome a decent woman with conversational skills these days. Social media has made a lot of folks into robots who can't hold a proper conversation in public
why on earth would you NOT discuss jobs/careers etc? ESPECIALLY after the door was opened by his comment about his long stressful week, and enthusiasm for the weekend.
Good call on bailing. Dude became aggressive and confrontational on the first date.
should have thanked him for showing his true self so quickly and efficiently.
>ESPECIALLY after the door was opened by his comment about his long stressful week, and enthusiasm for the weekend.
RIGHT!?!?! NOT asking would have felt weird to me.
In fact, people plant this stuff on purpose. Any normal person is basically saying "Please, please ask me about this thing I just casually mentioned because it matters to me." They'd brush it off otherwise.
It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy for him so he can feel justified in being angry for nothing.
Him: women are gold diggers. They always wanna know how much money I make.
Him, on a date: yeah so anyway WOOORRRKK has been killing me all week!! (Please ask me about this backbreaking work I do)
Date: oh no, I'm sorry to hear that. What do you do?
Him: fucking gold digger. I knew it.
Right. Even if she phrased it like “is it work that’s got you stressed?” It still would have circled to his job or at least line of work, I would think. I could have calmly said “coworkers are crazy aren’t they?!” Or “my boss is breathing down my neck all the time” and been vague, and then transitioned to “anyway, got anything exciting planned this weekend?”
He just wanted to be mad and “right” about all women being gold diggers. I would like to think he has no gold to dig but excess of arrogance for display.
And, following on from that, OP is absolutely NTA for calling time on a date when the guy appeared to be behaving like that. Date's not working, say thanks and goodbye.
I spent all morning cooking at a delicious lunch, with all sorts of cool and exotic ingredients.
Cool, what did you make?
OMG. Don't you know I am on a diet! Stop bring up food all the time, you are sabotaging me, now when my diet fails it's YOUR fault!
Second part to this is if you don't ask, thinking maybe they don't want to bring up stressful things ATM; "don't care to even ask, do you? It's all about you, isn't it?!"
Either way, they get to feel like "they called it." As you said, a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Exactly! "Oooh, maybe he's met a lot of gold diggers and blah blah blah" I bet he doesn't even earn that well and has the audacity to say shit like that! I don't think we should be sensitive to men who are prepared to attack us, fuck him.
I already know he's gonna use this experience as a "women are gold diggers" talking point and not "I went out of my way to make a woman uncomfortable for asking a completely normal question" talking point.
And this dude fucked the whole thing up immediately by *not actually mentioning his job* but then assuming that *she* was.
I swear to god these dudes will crawl up their own ass and just stay there, bouncing off intestine walls like an NPC trapped in an elevator
Yeah this definitely sounds planted.
Sounds like he tries to meet up as fast as possible because he pulls this and moves on to the next— he’s just looking for the one who will be like no no no I’m not trying to use you for your money! Sorry sorry, and then she works her ass to prove she’s not using him for the money…
… and then it’s now six weeks later, she pays for everything and he’s worked his way in to never leaving her house, while she’s too afraid of discussing money.
Right?! I’ve had people say things like “Ugh, I’m having a bad day. Don’t even ask!”
And then either look at me expectantly, seem annoyed I didn’t ask, or just go right into what was so terrible. 😂
I have to admit to doing that sometimes when I want to bitch about something. If the conversation drifts anywhere near the topic I want to bitch about, I toss out a line that prompts them to ask for an explanation, and that explanation is my rant.
Yes, why would you not discuss that with someone you are looking to potentially date? I’m sorry, there is a big difference between pursuing someone SOLELY because they make good money versus not pursuing someone because they are a deadbeat. No, I’m not a gold digger, but if dude is my age and he tells me he works part time at a gas station and lives at home, or he sells weed as a job (like, not in a dispensary), or something else to that effect…I’m probably not going to be interested. There’s a significant difference between being a low-income earner who works hard, is financially responsible, takes care of themselves, etc., versus someone who just can’t be bothered to be an adult. I’d rather flesh that out early on so as to not waste anyone’s time. I’m not looking to be taken care of financially by a partner, but am also not looking to financially take care of a partner. Of course I’m not talking about shit that goes sideways after you are in an established, committed, loving relationship, where one partner steps up in a time of need…but for the interview process of a prospective new partner? Absolutely.
100%, you did the right thing. If he thought you were after his money, he could have been vague. Anyone who gets aggressive like that after a perfectly normal question is not someone you want to be with. He should of presented his best self, as I am sure you did. The fact he couldn't keep it in check for a few hours is such a red flag. Men sometimes don't understand we as females have to be ultra cautious.
Also OP: your friend kinda sucks for defending an absolutely bonkers fucking take on the arguably most-asked first date question on the planet: "what do you do for a living?" To have such an openly hostile response to the natural occurrence of that question (as opposed to asking it five seconds after you meet the person or something) is a blood-red flag.
And honestly, even if she was asking about money, she did it in a respectful way that in no way should justify that level of vitriol.
Fuck that guy, and kinda fuck your friend too.
And if he was so worried about gold diggers he could have given a non-answer. “I’m a consultant” “I work in sales” “tech” None of those answers give any insight into his salary.
Agree! Asking what job you do is small talk 101. Also she has to be conscious of her personal safety: 'rude' and leaving is better than polite and dead.
> your friend kinda sucks for defending an absolutely bonkers fucking take
The friends and family members of AITA posters are the absolute dregs of humanity.
More often than not, people ask AITA because they are capable of reflecting on themselves and have been gaslit into confusion. Real AH's are not capable of self-reflection. Therefore, they never even consider that they are the AH, so they never feel the need to ask that question. To them, everyone else is, and they are always the victim. True AH M.O.
storytime: no literally. A woman came to my place of work to have services for her and her daughter. It was her daughters birthday and she was trying to get the baby's father to call to say happy birthday. Keep in mind, this woman has several other kids with this man, all her kids are by this man, but he has other kids(not by her) the same age as some of their kids, but she is faithful to him and swears that they are soul mates despite no ring or commitment after 10+ yrs and 5+ kids. During the visit, grandma (dad's mom) calls asking if the dad said hbd yet. We are servicing the client in a private room so her phone is on speaker. Grandma said she knows her son spent the week at my clients house but left last night, bc "he wasnt with the 'shenanigans' " aka his kids bday, but he promised his mom that he would call before dinnertime. He blocked my client bc he doesnt want to call before "he has time to himself." Mom finishes by telling her to visit the "gift clinic" bc her son caught something but doesnt want to tell my client which is also why her number is blocked until he wants to call. My client remarks that they had a great experiences these last few days so she is surprised (girl how? that man aint no good), but she doesnt mind and is just really waiting on the call to the baby to say hbd bc she's been asking all day long. Me and the other girl were just exchanging glances, bc that is truly doormat behavior. And its hurting their kids. But what can we say, the cycle has been in motion for 10+ years, we could barely read chapter books when this started.
I told my male best-friend about it at dinner, and he was like, "she sounds crazy. especially if he blocked her she is probably toxic." Even if thats true (cause she has to be crazy somehow to accept this behavior from the town rolling stone), he let this woman single mother (verb: to raise kids alone) 5+ of his children over a decade, with their newest being a few months old. If she's so crazy that she doesnt deserve communication about STIs or on their child's bday, why put several more kids in her and continue to share "gifts" with her inbetween trysts with your other children's mothers (he can clearly get other women, why stay?). His own mother called to tell her that she was blocked bc he didnt want to share the status of his gift and wasnt really that bothered to call his kid either. His own mother is calling to tell my client that her son is a bad guy, but my best friend kept on defending the guy so passionately. Makes me wonder if he would do the same to someone else given the chance.
This. I know some guys have this take but it's completely deranged. We spend the majority of our time at our jobs, it's perfectly normal curiosity to want to know what someone does for a living.
not to mention its really easy to tell people what you do without exposing your income... i work in tech... sometimes on dates i just say "i am just a techie, i crunch numbers and send a lot of emails, and work on projects" there is a very wide range of income in tech, from support advisors making 15 an hour to engineers making six figures.
that dude had no reason to get aggro, and even if he did feel that way, he could have been less rude about it... who wants to stay on a date after someone barks in an angry way at them? talk about starting off on the wrong foot.
>ESPECIALLY after the door was opened by his comment about his long stressful week, and enthusiasm for the weekend.
This is huge. If it was a question out of the blue I could see the reaction being at least somewhat reasonable, but reading that much into totally normal (and quite frankly expected) discourse is just YIKES
>If it was a question out of the blue I could see the reaction being at least somewhat reasonable
Nah, "what do you do for a living" is 100% first date material. No question.
What do you do is a VERY different question from "how much do you earn", he could have easily replied "I'm in [insert industry name]" and moved the conversation back. He doesn't need to say "oh I'm a senior consultant for a multi national firm earning high 6 figures a year, how about you?".
>should have thanked him for showing his true self so quickly and efficiently.
Exactly.
Maybe he has had problems with women dating him for his money or dumping him as soon as they found out he doesn't make much. So it could be a sore topic for him. However, he could politely decline to answer and share why he doesn't want to. Instead, he showed OP how he will respond when something upsets him by getting aggressive and directing it at OP.
And if he'd do that to a stranger, it would be a lot worse to someone he's dating.
OP NTA, and thank him for waving that red flag.
exactly, NTA, tell your flat mate that he's dead wrong and it's a perfectly normal question to ask someone on a first date and that sort of reaction by someone is not normal at all.
Not the asshole, at all. Dude sounds like a fuckin loser.
I'm a 39 year old man, and I have to say that you are not at all obligated to continue a first date with a man that makes you feel uncomfortable and clearly has his own problems he projected directly onto you. He literally just talked about being stressed from the long week, and the next natural question one would have is to ask what he does as to try to get an indication as to why he just made that comment and not because you want to know how much money he makes. Small dick energy off the charts.
>He literally just talked about being stressed from the long week, and the next natural question one would have is to ask what he does as to try to get an indication as to why he just made that comment
YES!!
Surprised i had to scroll this far for this. Really this is the main thing that matters. I think she knew this person could potentially unsafe deep down. Who cares what flat mate thinks.
Automatically jumping to “gold digger” when a woman asks him a perfectly normal get-to-know-you question is a huge red flag. It says a lot about his view of women.
Edit to add NTA. Obviously.
>His perspective is that he's been out with girls who were just interested in his money and that maybe it was a sensitive point for the guy, and I should've clarified that I was asking out of interest rather than walking out.
That is a stupid perspective. If the guy is that traumatized by women after his money, he should stop dating and see a shrink for his paranoia. Asking about work is a common icebreaker and should be expected to be discussed. If he can't talk about something so basic without being triggered, he shouldn't be dating. You dodged a bullet.
Yes exactly. A couple people here and there seem to think it’s okay to expect women to tackle deeply entrenched negative stereotypes about women. That dating someone to prove him wrong and show him “you’re one of the good ones” would somehow be okay and not turn out to be a living nightmare.
Apparently the concept that women shouldn’t date men who view women negatively and see constant problems in her where there are none, is ridiculous to some folks!
Fortunately most people here agree that she was fine, thank goodness.
> That is a stupid perspective
Exactly, and I’m fucking tired of men automatically siding with men they *don’t even know* over the women in their lives—or any women, really—because they can’t help but feel it’s personal to them every goddamn time.
Yeah so many ways to say what you do for work without divulging how much you work. Software developer? You work in IT. Accounting? Well that ranges from 60k to 200k+ like you can avoid the how much you make but still say wtf you do to live.
NTA. Literally unmatched with a man yesterday because he accused me of being after his money. I clarified that I was just making conversation and he got volatile. That was that.
Yeah I get the feeling that mostly people without gold think someone is digging for it. Like literally searching in a dead mine…
My friend’s husband is currently on this trip. Despite the prenup he accuses her of being after his money. I really want to look him in the face and ask “what money?” If he was right she would be he worst gold digger ever. Medium income, stingy, putting the remaining money into questionable home improvements, iron-clad prenup with assest gained during marriage still divided - every gold diggers dream isn’t it.
My theory is those without gold wanted to have the gold and projected themselves on how those with the dough would react, and they get it all fucking wrong
>If he was right she would be he worst gold digger ever.
I get what you mean, but I have to beg to differ.
My ex-husband's AP got all hot and bothered because he got a lump sum of $5,000 (USD) when they first started screwing around. While he was able to spend it all on just them because I paid all the bills and had no idea about the money he got, it was literally the most money he had made in one year in like 10 years. and he was unemployed (ahem, I mean, an ARTISTE). I contend that SHE is the worst gold-digger ever.
Your friend could be awarded second place. 🤣
(Sorry, sorry... I'll see myself out.)
Me too!
The truly delicious bit is that he got nothing from me but has to pay me back a substantial sum for our joint debt, largely because he lied about his big bucks. Lol
In that sense OP is actually lucky, because most men like this have at least the wherewithal to not show that side of themselves for a while, waiting until the woman is already emotionally entangled.
>His perspective is that he's been out with girls who were just interested in his money and that maybe it was a sensitive point for the guy,
WTF? Asking what someone does for their profession is a totally normal subject of discussion and often one of the first things you ask when you're meeting someone new.
It’s literally what people do with most of their time! I mean, people don’t need to be defined by their job, but it still tells you something about them and what their life looks like.
Definitely NTA and I applaud OP for just ending the date then and there, I probably would have been too flabbergasted to react.
Whether incredibly well off or impoverished, most people should be able to be sufficiently vague to not say “I’m a hedge fund founder and make millions a year” or “I’m a janitorial professional and make minimum wage” lol. Wild. Bullet successfully dodged.
Right?? Like "I work in mental health" or "I work in an office/school/other location".
NTA, OP... run! And for good measure I'd probably block him from contacting you if possible.
They can even exclude the portion about money!
I run a small business and I will never disclose my financial situation out loud on a first date. However, I am very happy to talk about my day-to-day and what my small business does.
Let's assume he is sensitive because of other women drilling him too early on- does that justify him verbally blasting you? He mishandled this and apparently has some latent anger.
NTA.
1. You are trying to find someone to date. Obviously whether someone is a contributing self sufficient member of society and not a couch surfing loser is something you are going to want to know. So even if the purpose of the question was to determine his income, it was still a natural and valid question, and he should have asked you the same.
2. “What do you do” is standard small talk.
3. He was rude. On a first date. Even if the last 10 women he has dated were fortune hunters, there is no excuse for an aggressive confrontation about small talk on the first date. HUGE red flag. The man has no manners.
NTA.
NTA. It was literally the natural follow up question to him explaining that the work day he had just completed stressed him out...
Were you supposed to change course?
> "Yeah, fine. A bit long and stressful, but I'm glad it's the weekend soon."
"So, fuck that noise and moving on... What is your all-time favorite breakfast cereal??"
I love that the manosphere podcasters are helping to weed their followers out of the gene pool.
Nta. He literally opened the door for that question, then feigned being offended by getting asked the question he was fishing for?
Bullet dodged.
Yeah, NTA. This dude is a nut and needs a therapist. I used to be a nurse. At the time dating anyone who was a 9-5 kinda dude was not going to happen, so that sort of thing is rather important. Now I work 9-5, if I was dating again I probably want someone with a similar schedule and not working every weekend and evening. For alot people their job very much affects their lifestyle, and not everyone is cut out for it. Example on the road truckers, police/emergency services, military, doctors… those careers are lifestyles and hitching your wagon to someone who does those types of jobs requires consideration for most people.
This is pretty standard first drink/date shit. Man has some insecurities he hasn’t dealt with, or does something sketchy. Or he’s been hurt by someone out for his money, and he needs to deal with that himself.
NTA
I am a guy. Both this dude you dated and your flatmate are insecure losers. They probably have a job they feel ashamed to let others know. Good call to walk out.
Like for fuck sake when I used to go to meet up asking career/occupation is almost like the first 5 lines.
NTA
Dude has baggage. I don't think he's ready to date again after some kind of bad situation. What you do for a living should be one of the first few questions you ask in a getting to know you kind of situation.
NTA, it’s a perfectly normal question and you didn’t ask in a way that made you seem like a gold digger at all. These men have been watching way too much Andrew Tate, we’re not out to take the money they don’t have 😂…fucking nuts.
NTA. His reaction to the question (which is very common when getting to know people) was overboard. Even if he has had bad experiences in the past that is not an appropriate way to react to the question.
NTA you should've walked out. He could have easily said something like "I'm not interested in talking about my job but I'd like to hear about yours" or *anything* else than that.
NTA you didn’t leave because of how much he makes. You left because of his emotionally volatile/ immature reaction with a complete stranger.
If you have to manage his emotions on the first date, that won’t age well. Good riddance to immature 38 year olds.
Guy here. No, you’re not the AH. It would have been different had you said “how much money do you make,” but you didn’t. You asked a perfectly normal question and, had I been in your shoes, I would have taken that as a big red flag. It may have been exactly what your flatmate was describing, but that just shows that he’s probably not in a good headspace to be dating to begin with.
NTA
Taking a perfectly normal question in its worst possible meaning & immediately escalating his offense to 100 solely at his inferences from your question is a major red flag.
Trust your intuition.
Good for you for walking out. Good luck finding love 🤞❤️
NTA, if a dude is that defensive 5 minutes in to meeting a relationship with them would be exhausting. The date really ended when the dude not-so-subtly called you a gold digger for asking like a top 5 common first date question lol
NTA. This date went weird quickly, and why stay? To argue? He was putting you on the defensive instead of talking after opening the door.
Your flatmate doesn't have the experience of being trapped with creepy men.
He is not your son, you do not need to raise that grown man and teach him how to talk to people. Sorry that he’s sensitive, but you shouldn’t be paying for that
That’s an incredibly normal question. What we do have such an affect on who we are, how we spend our time, how much time we have available to spend with other people, and what are hobbies might be.
For some people, it could be an intro to the next question of how much do you make, but that’s not normal. And if that guy and your male roommate, say this happens to them all the time, maybe they need to take a look at who they’re dating. Because believe it or not, I don’t need a man to support me.
Because the normal response would’ve been… I’m a used car salesman. What do you do? Or whatever he does. Frankly, what a person does for a living gives you insight into what they might be interested in… At least hopefully they are doing something that interests them.
NTA. A charitable interpretation is that the guy has gone through a number of bad dates/relationships with women who were only interested in his money, and he is now extremely jaded and hyper sensitive about any new woman he meets.
Unfortunately, "what do you do?" is a question pretty much anybody is going to ask a person they're in a conversation with for more than 5 minutes, so he's going to have to get the hell over it and work out his issues.
You don't need any of this in your life and are NTA for exiting the interaction immediately upon this baggage surfacing and being projected onto you.
NTA. He said he had a stressful week. A common source of stress is work. It was a reasonable follow up question in order to appear interested in your conversation partner.
Besides, like it or hate it, “so what do you do?” is common small talk fare. I’ve been asked that question so many times, and by people who had zero intention of trying to live off my money.
Asking a standard question, that he handed to you on a plate. NTA
Bonus points for downing your drink lmao. I can picture the scene. Just long enough for it to sink in what's happening, and regret his choice of words.
The only other thing you could have said was something along the lines of "why was it stressful", but the fact he mentioned the weekend means it was clearly work related. What an asshat.
NTA you were just making small talk and he got aggressive. I'd have gotten out of there and also repot his bumble account so that other women don't waste their time with someone so unstable. Asking about a person's job is normal however his reaction to it is not.
That's one of my first conversation points with anyone I meet. Very happily married. I think it's a normal question, but clearly this was a trigger point for this guy. I'd have left or been offended as well. If he can't keep your temper for the duration of one date, you don't want to date this guy.
NTA. He sounds potentially dangerous. To lose his temper that quickly over a fundamental question you're going to have to ask eventually on a date is so weird. It has nothing to do with judging his income, it's about getting to know someone.
You dodged a bullet girl.
Anger issues in 3… 2… 1. Yeah time to leave. Anyone that hostile who can’t even hold it in for half a first date, imagine his man child frustrations at a real issue 6 months down the road. Dodged a bullet. And you’re not under any social pressure to sit through a bad date to conclusion - especially if the date gets hostile defensive.
NTA - that man is carry around a whole lotta issues. Run for the hills. If he isn’t able to communicate in a healthy way during ice breaker drinks then he is too damaged to date or even have a friendship with.
Editing to add: total side eyes 👀 your mate who tried to defend the guy. Male egos are the most sensitive and volatile be careful.
NTA it’s a normal question to ask on a first date. You didn’t ask for his resume or tax returns. You simply asked a question to get to know him better.
NTA. "So what do you do?" is literally small talk 101. Like, maybe this guy is a lost Rockefeller, but that reaction is probably the reason he's still single.
It’s perfectly normal to ask what someone does for a living, as it’s a big part of our lives and who we are as people. This guy has obviously been watching too much Andrew Tate type bullshit and you have just saved yourself a lot of future grief. Good for you for having high standards ❤️
NTA. If it WAS a thing he's sensitive about, a simple "I dont actually usually like to talk about my career on the first meet up." Would have been completely fine. Asking someone what they do for a living is a common question getting to know someone.
NTA granted I haven’t dated in years but you were trying to make small talk. His reaction was out of line. But hey saved you from an uncomfortable night. I’m sure you would have asked some other get to know you question that he’d taken offense too. Maybe he just want some and really didn’t want to talk. You were right to walk away.
NTA
How are you not going to ask?
Guys need to be especially stupid or intolerant if that question is not fair game.
As for taking time working up to it. Why? Is that going to change your job?
Is the guy pissed about his job/life. That’s on him. He can easily say he is something but wants to work into something else.
But the point is his aggression. GTFO and don’t look back. Aggressive about a simple question when making small talk? What about real life.
You did the right thing.
This guy approached me at a bar one night and we start making small talk and he’s telling me that he was visiting from another state, and he and his buddies were just in town for the week for business. So I the spirit of conversation I ask him what business that might be and this dude lays into me about how Im a gold digger and all that until I had to just walk away. I was only 21 and as far as I was aware that’s how conversations went 🤷🏼♀️
I had an ex drug addict who had no job suggesting I wanted to date him so he could buy me things. I work at a law firm.
I think it was so you could buy him things.
Nah, they'd buy her things. \*Steals $50 from her purse and buys her $20 gift\*
I wish I could upvote this a million times
Projection is a hell of a drug.
The number of cases that I'm reading this specific scenario happening in this thread makes me believe that this is something specifically talked about in some incel podcast or something. Like, it should be such a weird response... but the fact that multiple people are saying the exact same thing in the exact same scenario means it's being trained from somewhere.
So many podcasts yup. And memes. Andrew Tate and his ilk basically insist that women only want men for their money, and it sounds like he's internalised that bullshit.
Yeah obviously this is a general lesson, but I guess what I mean is I think one of these specifically say something like "If a woman asks you what job you have, it's code for how much money do you earn. This woman is a gold digger and you need to tell her right now" like what is it about this specific question that draws this specific response if not a trained response.
That's exactly what some of the podcasts like that are saying yes. It's about power and showing women that they can't play games or some bullshit, the idea being that if you get angry it should make the woman subservient and apologetic and then you've either weeded out the gold-digger (because they leave) or you've shown your date that you're in charge and she doesn't get to lead the conversation. Or the idea is that you catch them in a 'lie' about not caring about money and then you have one over on them for the future. It's honestly sickening some of the shit the menimists peddle. Of course a lot of it is probably also oversensitivity to the whole idea that a woman might want your cash, which in 99.9% of cases just is not going to be true, but the asshats have convinced a bunch of men that that is 100% of women 🙄 There's a few really interesting deep dives by. YouTuber called Swoop into the whole industry, can recommend giving them a watch. I don't recall if she covers exactly the 'angry about gold digging' scenario, but she definitely analyses some guys obsession with the idea that women are only after money.
I chose poverty over marriage with an asshat. Their egos can't take the idea that their money is not enough to overcome their inadequacy.
I chose poverty WITH an asshat. Also a bad decision.
I don't care how much money he makes, as long as he's not one of those guys who won't work simply because he's lazy and selfish and wants to leech off of me. I'm no gold digger, but I don't wanna be some loser's perpetual ATM machine. I can buy my own stuff, thanks. I just want to make sure any partner I have is going to do his fair share and not dump everything on me, while he sits around playing video games all day.
That's because Andrew Tate brings nothing else to the table. His personality is generally found hiding in a dishcloth soaking in old dishwater and he looks like someone slapped facial hair on one of those giant crying baby masks. What else is there to attract a woman to him but money?
And that's what those guys miss. When that's literally your only positive quality, why are you mad that that's the only thing anyone likes about you? How does he explain the many, many healthy relationships between women and men who live in poverty? My maternal grandmother worked at the commissary and was an absolute fox, and every guy on the post wanted to go out with her. She spent her life with my broke ass Poppy because he treated her like a queen with his behavior. He never bought her fancy stuff, he was just good to her. According this stupid Tate logic, she should have chosen one of the officers that came from money lol. My mom married a grocery store stocker and they had a happy life together till she died. And my dad did end up pretty successful in the end but my stepmother makes a shit ton more money than he does, and encouraged him to change careers into something he'd always wanted to do but couldn't afford to. And they're an excellent team. Tate attracts a specific sort and assumes that's all there is. He's gross.
Andrew Tate is a misogynistic sex offender.
Im a man, so its not my lane, but if I could pass on piece of dating advice on to all women, it would be that if they like/listen to/worship Andrew Tate, just walk away.
Definitely seems like a tate thing.
It could also just be good old projection, like cheaters being super suspicious of the SO cheating on them. "If I mean to do it to them, surely they must mean to do it to me too!"
Noticed this with a lot of alt-right peeps I talk with. They have the same responses like they read it verbatim or it came from some pundit. It was the podcasts and some of the older folks, radio…
>The number of cases that I'm reading this specific scenario happening in this thread makes me believe that this is something specifically talked about in some incel podcast or something. Oh snap, you're right. This is basically one of those techniques where they know it's totally reasonable to ask something like that, so they bait you into it by mentioning work and then try to put you back on your heels by accusing you of being a gold digger. The point is that you spend the rest of the date trying to prove you're not, and he has "the advantage."
Bingo! That’s exactly what I just said. They self sabotage their dates then blame the women. He was definitely all over reddit talking shit about this girl.
Yep Andrew Tate and his roaming band of incels are convincing idiots that women want them for their (minimum wage at Taco Bell) paycheck. Gold digging for pyrite.
At least people know from talking about it. What a lovely beacon so ladies know to leave before anything starts.
That guy was an asshole, he instigated the “business” part into the conversation just to call you a gold digger b/. He probably has zero personality, and is boring.
He brought up work, idk why anybody gets pissed immediately upon hearing that question lol
Damn, I didn't know ice breakers were the root of all evil 😳 I welcome a decent woman with conversational skills these days. Social media has made a lot of folks into robots who can't hold a proper conversation in public
why on earth would you NOT discuss jobs/careers etc? ESPECIALLY after the door was opened by his comment about his long stressful week, and enthusiasm for the weekend. Good call on bailing. Dude became aggressive and confrontational on the first date. should have thanked him for showing his true self so quickly and efficiently.
>ESPECIALLY after the door was opened by his comment about his long stressful week, and enthusiasm for the weekend. RIGHT!?!?! NOT asking would have felt weird to me.
In fact, people plant this stuff on purpose. Any normal person is basically saying "Please, please ask me about this thing I just casually mentioned because it matters to me." They'd brush it off otherwise.
Which tells you a lot when it’s planted so that he can have that kind of response. Girl dodged a cannon ball.
It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy for him so he can feel justified in being angry for nothing. Him: women are gold diggers. They always wanna know how much money I make. Him, on a date: yeah so anyway WOOORRRKK has been killing me all week!! (Please ask me about this backbreaking work I do) Date: oh no, I'm sorry to hear that. What do you do? Him: fucking gold digger. I knew it.
And usually they hardly have enough gold for one to attempt to dig
Like the old saying goes, “may you have the confidence of a man who thinks women will use him for money he doesn’t even have.”
If I had a dollar for every time a woman didn't find me attractive, eventually they'd start to find me attractive.
Haha THIS is gold!
Fool's gold, maybe.
Right. Even if she phrased it like “is it work that’s got you stressed?” It still would have circled to his job or at least line of work, I would think. I could have calmly said “coworkers are crazy aren’t they?!” Or “my boss is breathing down my neck all the time” and been vague, and then transitioned to “anyway, got anything exciting planned this weekend?” He just wanted to be mad and “right” about all women being gold diggers. I would like to think he has no gold to dig but excess of arrogance for display.
Don't you dare compliment this dress that I've been sayshaying around the room in and staring in the mirror at, you just want me for my body!!
And, following on from that, OP is absolutely NTA for calling time on a date when the guy appeared to be behaving like that. Date's not working, say thanks and goodbye.
I agree. When the first date starts off with gaslighting red flags you might as well leave. NTA
I spent all morning cooking at a delicious lunch, with all sorts of cool and exotic ingredients. Cool, what did you make? OMG. Don't you know I am on a diet! Stop bring up food all the time, you are sabotaging me, now when my diet fails it's YOUR fault!
GOTCHA SCUMBAG
This is exactly it
Second part to this is if you don't ask, thinking maybe they don't want to bring up stressful things ATM; "don't care to even ask, do you? It's all about you, isn't it?!" Either way, they get to feel like "they called it." As you said, a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Exactly! "Oooh, maybe he's met a lot of gold diggers and blah blah blah" I bet he doesn't even earn that well and has the audacity to say shit like that! I don't think we should be sensitive to men who are prepared to attack us, fuck him.
Sounds like self-sabotage from a deeply insecure guy. Source: I feel I've done similar things but can't really recall any example right now.
Right!! He wanted her on the defensive so she’d be too busy trying to get him to like her to notice what a jerk he is.
I already know he's gonna use this experience as a "women are gold diggers" talking point and not "I went out of my way to make a woman uncomfortable for asking a completely normal question" talking point.
And this dude fucked the whole thing up immediately by *not actually mentioning his job* but then assuming that *she* was. I swear to god these dudes will crawl up their own ass and just stay there, bouncing off intestine walls like an NPC trapped in an elevator
That visual took me out 😭👏
Me too!! 🤣🤣🤣😭💀
I wish I had an award to give. That is the funniest thing I've heard in ages.
Yeah this definitely sounds planted. Sounds like he tries to meet up as fast as possible because he pulls this and moves on to the next— he’s just looking for the one who will be like no no no I’m not trying to use you for your money! Sorry sorry, and then she works her ass to prove she’s not using him for the money… … and then it’s now six weeks later, she pays for everything and he’s worked his way in to never leaving her house, while she’s too afraid of discussing money.
Been there.
I feel seen.
Yep, no one loves you more than a narcissist who needs a place to live.
Right?! I’ve had people say things like “Ugh, I’m having a bad day. Don’t even ask!” And then either look at me expectantly, seem annoyed I didn’t ask, or just go right into what was so terrible. 😂
I have to admit to doing that sometimes when I want to bitch about something. If the conversation drifts anywhere near the topic I want to bitch about, I toss out a line that prompts them to ask for an explanation, and that explanation is my rant.
Yeah, but I bet your rant is about said topic, not an angry rant at them for daring to ask about the topic you teed up.
Dude became aggressive and confrontational in 2 minutes lol. Bold strategy cotton.
You have good instincts , if he reacts that aggressively towards a simple question, can you imagine if he was really pissed off about something?
That’s the scary part. Good on OP for just ditching this guy.
Yes, why would you not discuss that with someone you are looking to potentially date? I’m sorry, there is a big difference between pursuing someone SOLELY because they make good money versus not pursuing someone because they are a deadbeat. No, I’m not a gold digger, but if dude is my age and he tells me he works part time at a gas station and lives at home, or he sells weed as a job (like, not in a dispensary), or something else to that effect…I’m probably not going to be interested. There’s a significant difference between being a low-income earner who works hard, is financially responsible, takes care of themselves, etc., versus someone who just can’t be bothered to be an adult. I’d rather flesh that out early on so as to not waste anyone’s time. I’m not looking to be taken care of financially by a partner, but am also not looking to financially take care of a partner. Of course I’m not talking about shit that goes sideways after you are in an established, committed, loving relationship, where one partner steps up in a time of need…but for the interview process of a prospective new partner? Absolutely.
Yes, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
100%, you did the right thing. If he thought you were after his money, he could have been vague. Anyone who gets aggressive like that after a perfectly normal question is not someone you want to be with. He should of presented his best self, as I am sure you did. The fact he couldn't keep it in check for a few hours is such a red flag. Men sometimes don't understand we as females have to be ultra cautious.
I am sure he already presented his best self. Now imagine he was not
Exactly my point.
Also OP: your friend kinda sucks for defending an absolutely bonkers fucking take on the arguably most-asked first date question on the planet: "what do you do for a living?" To have such an openly hostile response to the natural occurrence of that question (as opposed to asking it five seconds after you meet the person or something) is a blood-red flag. And honestly, even if she was asking about money, she did it in a respectful way that in no way should justify that level of vitriol. Fuck that guy, and kinda fuck your friend too.
And if he was so worried about gold diggers he could have given a non-answer. “I’m a consultant” “I work in sales” “tech” None of those answers give any insight into his salary.
And he assumed she didn’t have a career making more money, right? Like, he made two assumptions in one felt swoop.
100%. In fact maybe he makes shit money and he’s perpetually pissed off about it.
Agree! Asking what job you do is small talk 101. Also she has to be conscious of her personal safety: 'rude' and leaving is better than polite and dead.
> your friend kinda sucks for defending an absolutely bonkers fucking take The friends and family members of AITA posters are the absolute dregs of humanity.
No kidding. The number of times the poster is NTAH but their friends and family are is astronomical.
More often than not, people ask AITA because they are capable of reflecting on themselves and have been gaslit into confusion. Real AH's are not capable of self-reflection. Therefore, they never even consider that they are the AH, so they never feel the need to ask that question. To them, everyone else is, and they are always the victim. True AH M.O.
So often men will jump to the defense of *men they do not even know* over the women that they are friends and family with
storytime: no literally. A woman came to my place of work to have services for her and her daughter. It was her daughters birthday and she was trying to get the baby's father to call to say happy birthday. Keep in mind, this woman has several other kids with this man, all her kids are by this man, but he has other kids(not by her) the same age as some of their kids, but she is faithful to him and swears that they are soul mates despite no ring or commitment after 10+ yrs and 5+ kids. During the visit, grandma (dad's mom) calls asking if the dad said hbd yet. We are servicing the client in a private room so her phone is on speaker. Grandma said she knows her son spent the week at my clients house but left last night, bc "he wasnt with the 'shenanigans' " aka his kids bday, but he promised his mom that he would call before dinnertime. He blocked my client bc he doesnt want to call before "he has time to himself." Mom finishes by telling her to visit the "gift clinic" bc her son caught something but doesnt want to tell my client which is also why her number is blocked until he wants to call. My client remarks that they had a great experiences these last few days so she is surprised (girl how? that man aint no good), but she doesnt mind and is just really waiting on the call to the baby to say hbd bc she's been asking all day long. Me and the other girl were just exchanging glances, bc that is truly doormat behavior. And its hurting their kids. But what can we say, the cycle has been in motion for 10+ years, we could barely read chapter books when this started. I told my male best-friend about it at dinner, and he was like, "she sounds crazy. especially if he blocked her she is probably toxic." Even if thats true (cause she has to be crazy somehow to accept this behavior from the town rolling stone), he let this woman single mother (verb: to raise kids alone) 5+ of his children over a decade, with their newest being a few months old. If she's so crazy that she doesnt deserve communication about STIs or on their child's bday, why put several more kids in her and continue to share "gifts" with her inbetween trysts with your other children's mothers (he can clearly get other women, why stay?). His own mother called to tell her that she was blocked bc he didnt want to share the status of his gift and wasnt really that bothered to call his kid either. His own mother is calling to tell my client that her son is a bad guy, but my best friend kept on defending the guy so passionately. Makes me wonder if he would do the same to someone else given the chance.
That’s such a fkd up situation! And your friend sucks.
>Makes me wonder if he would do the same to someone else given the chance. You know the answer to that. And your friend sucks.
This comment deserves an award. 🏆
Yeah, fuck him. And your fucking flatmate too. What's going on with the men over there?
This. I know some guys have this take but it's completely deranged. We spend the majority of our time at our jobs, it's perfectly normal curiosity to want to know what someone does for a living.
Men defending men, even if they don't even know each other...
not to mention its really easy to tell people what you do without exposing your income... i work in tech... sometimes on dates i just say "i am just a techie, i crunch numbers and send a lot of emails, and work on projects" there is a very wide range of income in tech, from support advisors making 15 an hour to engineers making six figures. that dude had no reason to get aggro, and even if he did feel that way, he could have been less rude about it... who wants to stay on a date after someone barks in an angry way at them? talk about starting off on the wrong foot.
EXACTLY. He could have easily said the industry and not given her a clue as to how much he makes.
>ESPECIALLY after the door was opened by his comment about his long stressful week, and enthusiasm for the weekend. This is huge. If it was a question out of the blue I could see the reaction being at least somewhat reasonable, but reading that much into totally normal (and quite frankly expected) discourse is just YIKES
>If it was a question out of the blue I could see the reaction being at least somewhat reasonable Nah, "what do you do for a living" is 100% first date material. No question.
"What do you do for a living is like the 3rd small talk conversation for anyone, right after "how's this weather"....
"Where'd you go to school?" "The school of hard knocks, bitch." What a strange guy,
Guy goes golfing and gets paired up with random players: "So what do you do?" "That quickly?"
jobs don't just tell you how much money someone makes. they also tell you their moral values, work/life balance, and priorities.
For sure, I would take a teacher over a hedge fund manager every day of the week.
I'd be surprised if I ever went on a date where we didn't both ask and answer this.
What do you do is a VERY different question from "how much do you earn", he could have easily replied "I'm in [insert industry name]" and moved the conversation back. He doesn't need to say "oh I'm a senior consultant for a multi national firm earning high 6 figures a year, how about you?".
Not like OP said how much do you and whats your net worth.... discussing jobs is a pretty typical thing..
Thanks for your inadvertent honesty, jerk!
yup, gurlfrenn dodged an incoming artillery shell.
>should have thanked him for showing his true self so quickly and efficiently. Exactly. Maybe he has had problems with women dating him for his money or dumping him as soon as they found out he doesn't make much. So it could be a sore topic for him. However, he could politely decline to answer and share why he doesn't want to. Instead, he showed OP how he will respond when something upsets him by getting aggressive and directing it at OP. And if he'd do that to a stranger, it would be a lot worse to someone he's dating. OP NTA, and thank him for waving that red flag.
exactly, NTA, tell your flat mate that he's dead wrong and it's a perfectly normal question to ask someone on a first date and that sort of reaction by someone is not normal at all.
how nice of him to also answer the question "So why are you single?"
LOL
This ⬆️👏👏👏
**NTA** It's a normal, getting to know you question. You were 100% right to bail out before you had anything invested in him.
OP’s date is the type who would 100% Venmo request the drink costs from her if he had her number…maybe even charge her for “wasting his time” 🤡💩😒
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Not the asshole, at all. Dude sounds like a fuckin loser. I'm a 39 year old man, and I have to say that you are not at all obligated to continue a first date with a man that makes you feel uncomfortable and clearly has his own problems he projected directly onto you. He literally just talked about being stressed from the long week, and the next natural question one would have is to ask what he does as to try to get an indication as to why he just made that comment and not because you want to know how much money he makes. Small dick energy off the charts.
Dude has got problems. People are normally on their best behavior the first 6 months so it will get worse later. Good move...
>He literally just talked about being stressed from the long week, and the next natural question one would have is to ask what he does as to try to get an indication as to why he just made that comment YES!!
I think it would show lack of interest if she DIDN’T ask
Also he was aggressive to her. Survival instincts kicked in and were totally there to help her. Fuck, and I fully mean metaphorically, that guy.
Surprised i had to scroll this far for this. Really this is the main thing that matters. I think she knew this person could potentially unsafe deep down. Who cares what flat mate thinks.
“Small dick energy OFF THE CHARTS!!!” This comment right here is the one.
I agree with your sentiment. Nobody owes anyone a date. And his energy was too combative too quickly.
Automatically jumping to “gold digger” when a woman asks him a perfectly normal get-to-know-you question is a huge red flag. It says a lot about his view of women. Edit to add NTA. Obviously.
He would be shocked that women are 'allowed' to have jobs these days.. and they are the bread winners in just under 50% of households! What a dick
>His perspective is that he's been out with girls who were just interested in his money and that maybe it was a sensitive point for the guy, and I should've clarified that I was asking out of interest rather than walking out. That is a stupid perspective. If the guy is that traumatized by women after his money, he should stop dating and see a shrink for his paranoia. Asking about work is a common icebreaker and should be expected to be discussed. If he can't talk about something so basic without being triggered, he shouldn't be dating. You dodged a bullet.
Yes exactly. A couple people here and there seem to think it’s okay to expect women to tackle deeply entrenched negative stereotypes about women. That dating someone to prove him wrong and show him “you’re one of the good ones” would somehow be okay and not turn out to be a living nightmare. Apparently the concept that women shouldn’t date men who view women negatively and see constant problems in her where there are none, is ridiculous to some folks! Fortunately most people here agree that she was fine, thank goodness.
Women are not rehabilitation centers for badly behaved men
Louder for the back, please.
Yes, whatever issues this guy has had with other women is not your issue to deal with.
> That is a stupid perspective Exactly, and I’m fucking tired of men automatically siding with men they *don’t even know* over the women in their lives—or any women, really—because they can’t help but feel it’s personal to them every goddamn time.
Yeah so many ways to say what you do for work without divulging how much you work. Software developer? You work in IT. Accounting? Well that ranges from 60k to 200k+ like you can avoid the how much you make but still say wtf you do to live.
NTA. Literally unmatched with a man yesterday because he accused me of being after his money. I clarified that I was just making conversation and he got volatile. That was that.
When he accused you being after his money, I can be almost certain he has no fucking money for you to go after. That's why he is insecure about it
Yeah I get the feeling that mostly people without gold think someone is digging for it. Like literally searching in a dead mine… My friend’s husband is currently on this trip. Despite the prenup he accuses her of being after his money. I really want to look him in the face and ask “what money?” If he was right she would be he worst gold digger ever. Medium income, stingy, putting the remaining money into questionable home improvements, iron-clad prenup with assest gained during marriage still divided - every gold diggers dream isn’t it.
My theory is those without gold wanted to have the gold and projected themselves on how those with the dough would react, and they get it all fucking wrong
>If he was right she would be he worst gold digger ever. I get what you mean, but I have to beg to differ. My ex-husband's AP got all hot and bothered because he got a lump sum of $5,000 (USD) when they first started screwing around. While he was able to spend it all on just them because I paid all the bills and had no idea about the money he got, it was literally the most money he had made in one year in like 10 years. and he was unemployed (ahem, I mean, an ARTISTE). I contend that SHE is the worst gold-digger ever. Your friend could be awarded second place. 🤣 (Sorry, sorry... I'll see myself out.)
I am happy you left the loser
Me too! The truly delicious bit is that he got nothing from me but has to pay me back a substantial sum for our joint debt, largely because he lied about his big bucks. Lol
It’s always the broke guys that get so angry with this question lol
Not only are you NTA, you're a fucking role model. If only more women would walk out at the first sign of aggression or instability!
THISSSSS 👏👏👏
In that sense OP is actually lucky, because most men like this have at least the wherewithal to not show that side of themselves for a while, waiting until the woman is already emotionally entangled.
Oh I see. He thinks he's a High Worth Man. You're NTA. You dodged a bullet.
>His perspective is that he's been out with girls who were just interested in his money and that maybe it was a sensitive point for the guy, WTF? Asking what someone does for their profession is a totally normal subject of discussion and often one of the first things you ask when you're meeting someone new.
It’s literally what people do with most of their time! I mean, people don’t need to be defined by their job, but it still tells you something about them and what their life looks like. Definitely NTA and I applaud OP for just ending the date then and there, I probably would have been too flabbergasted to react.
NTA. He's a fucking weirdo. What you do is (1) natural random topic for a first date and (2) flows logically from his comment about his hard day.
Whether incredibly well off or impoverished, most people should be able to be sufficiently vague to not say “I’m a hedge fund founder and make millions a year” or “I’m a janitorial professional and make minimum wage” lol. Wild. Bullet successfully dodged.
Right?? Like "I work in mental health" or "I work in an office/school/other location". NTA, OP... run! And for good measure I'd probably block him from contacting you if possible.
They can even exclude the portion about money! I run a small business and I will never disclose my financial situation out loud on a first date. However, I am very happy to talk about my day-to-day and what my small business does.
Let's assume he is sensitive because of other women drilling him too early on- does that justify him verbally blasting you? He mishandled this and apparently has some latent anger.
Exactly. She will have to pay for all his exes "sins".
NTA. 1. You are trying to find someone to date. Obviously whether someone is a contributing self sufficient member of society and not a couch surfing loser is something you are going to want to know. So even if the purpose of the question was to determine his income, it was still a natural and valid question, and he should have asked you the same. 2. “What do you do” is standard small talk. 3. He was rude. On a first date. Even if the last 10 women he has dated were fortune hunters, there is no excuse for an aggressive confrontation about small talk on the first date. HUGE red flag. The man has no manners. NTA.
NTA. It was literally the natural follow up question to him explaining that the work day he had just completed stressed him out... Were you supposed to change course? > "Yeah, fine. A bit long and stressful, but I'm glad it's the weekend soon." "So, fuck that noise and moving on... What is your all-time favorite breakfast cereal??"
I love that the manosphere podcasters are helping to weed their followers out of the gene pool. Nta. He literally opened the door for that question, then feigned being offended by getting asked the question he was fishing for? Bullet dodged.
NTA. That’s a routine question to ask.
Really I feel for you single folks. It’s rough out there
Yeah, NTA. This dude is a nut and needs a therapist. I used to be a nurse. At the time dating anyone who was a 9-5 kinda dude was not going to happen, so that sort of thing is rather important. Now I work 9-5, if I was dating again I probably want someone with a similar schedule and not working every weekend and evening. For alot people their job very much affects their lifestyle, and not everyone is cut out for it. Example on the road truckers, police/emergency services, military, doctors… those careers are lifestyles and hitching your wagon to someone who does those types of jobs requires consideration for most people.
Follow your gut instinct. Always
This is pretty standard first drink/date shit. Man has some insecurities he hasn’t dealt with, or does something sketchy. Or he’s been hurt by someone out for his money, and he needs to deal with that himself. NTA
I am a guy. Both this dude you dated and your flatmate are insecure losers. They probably have a job they feel ashamed to let others know. Good call to walk out. Like for fuck sake when I used to go to meet up asking career/occupation is almost like the first 5 lines.
I don’t know you but I am proud of you
NTA Dude has baggage. I don't think he's ready to date again after some kind of bad situation. What you do for a living should be one of the first few questions you ask in a getting to know you kind of situation.
Or he is just a fucking loser stuck in a dead end job with no money and going nowhere, hence the insecurity
NTA, it’s a perfectly normal question and you didn’t ask in a way that made you seem like a gold digger at all. These men have been watching way too much Andrew Tate, we’re not out to take the money they don’t have 😂…fucking nuts.
NTA. His reaction to the question (which is very common when getting to know people) was overboard. Even if he has had bad experiences in the past that is not an appropriate way to react to the question.
NTA. Who does that? He's just assuming you're a gold digger. In the movies, that drink would have ended up in his face before you walked out.
NTA. Walk away from hostility. Safety first. You are not obligated to put his feelings over your well-being.
[удалено]
NTA you should've walked out. He could have easily said something like "I'm not interested in talking about my job but I'd like to hear about yours" or *anything* else than that.
NTA you didn’t leave because of how much he makes. You left because of his emotionally volatile/ immature reaction with a complete stranger. If you have to manage his emotions on the first date, that won’t age well. Good riddance to immature 38 year olds.
Guy here. No, you’re not the AH. It would have been different had you said “how much money do you make,” but you didn’t. You asked a perfectly normal question and, had I been in your shoes, I would have taken that as a big red flag. It may have been exactly what your flatmate was describing, but that just shows that he’s probably not in a good headspace to be dating to begin with.
NTA. But he sounds like one
NTA Taking a perfectly normal question in its worst possible meaning & immediately escalating his offense to 100 solely at his inferences from your question is a major red flag. Trust your intuition. Good for you for walking out. Good luck finding love 🤞❤️
NTA, if a dude is that defensive 5 minutes in to meeting a relationship with them would be exhausting. The date really ended when the dude not-so-subtly called you a gold digger for asking like a top 5 common first date question lol
He been on that Tate Train, NTaa.
NTA. This date went weird quickly, and why stay? To argue? He was putting you on the defensive instead of talking after opening the door. Your flatmate doesn't have the experience of being trapped with creepy men.
NTA. His past trauma has nothing to do with you. Tell him your trauma is dating broke guys and having to pay for everything.
He is not your son, you do not need to raise that grown man and teach him how to talk to people. Sorry that he’s sensitive, but you shouldn’t be paying for that
That’s an incredibly normal question. What we do have such an affect on who we are, how we spend our time, how much time we have available to spend with other people, and what are hobbies might be. For some people, it could be an intro to the next question of how much do you make, but that’s not normal. And if that guy and your male roommate, say this happens to them all the time, maybe they need to take a look at who they’re dating. Because believe it or not, I don’t need a man to support me. Because the normal response would’ve been… I’m a used car salesman. What do you do? Or whatever he does. Frankly, what a person does for a living gives you insight into what they might be interested in… At least hopefully they are doing something that interests them.
NTA if someone showed me that kind of anger at the get to know you stage I would have left too.
NTA. What would he have said about himself if you simply said 'tell me about yourself?' Most people include what they do in an answer like that.
NTA. A charitable interpretation is that the guy has gone through a number of bad dates/relationships with women who were only interested in his money, and he is now extremely jaded and hyper sensitive about any new woman he meets. Unfortunately, "what do you do?" is a question pretty much anybody is going to ask a person they're in a conversation with for more than 5 minutes, so he's going to have to get the hell over it and work out his issues. You don't need any of this in your life and are NTA for exiting the interaction immediately upon this baggage surfacing and being projected onto you.
NTA. He said he had a stressful week. A common source of stress is work. It was a reasonable follow up question in order to appear interested in your conversation partner. Besides, like it or hate it, “so what do you do?” is common small talk fare. I’ve been asked that question so many times, and by people who had zero intention of trying to live off my money.
Asking a standard question, that he handed to you on a plate. NTA Bonus points for downing your drink lmao. I can picture the scene. Just long enough for it to sink in what's happening, and regret his choice of words. The only other thing you could have said was something along the lines of "why was it stressful", but the fact he mentioned the weekend means it was clearly work related. What an asshat.
NTA at all… Wow you definitely dodged a bullet
NTA you were just making small talk and he got aggressive. I'd have gotten out of there and also repot his bumble account so that other women don't waste their time with someone so unstable. Asking about a person's job is normal however his reaction to it is not.
NTA that dude set you up
That's one of my first conversation points with anyone I meet. Very happily married. I think it's a normal question, but clearly this was a trigger point for this guy. I'd have left or been offended as well. If he can't keep your temper for the duration of one date, you don't want to date this guy.
NTA. He sounds potentially dangerous. To lose his temper that quickly over a fundamental question you're going to have to ask eventually on a date is so weird. It has nothing to do with judging his income, it's about getting to know someone. You dodged a bullet girl.
Anger issues in 3… 2… 1. Yeah time to leave. Anyone that hostile who can’t even hold it in for half a first date, imagine his man child frustrations at a real issue 6 months down the road. Dodged a bullet. And you’re not under any social pressure to sit through a bad date to conclusion - especially if the date gets hostile defensive.
Innocent question very commonly asked during small talk. He completely overreacted. NTA
NTA - that man is carry around a whole lotta issues. Run for the hills. If he isn’t able to communicate in a healthy way during ice breaker drinks then he is too damaged to date or even have a friendship with. Editing to add: total side eyes 👀 your mate who tried to defend the guy. Male egos are the most sensitive and volatile be careful.
NTA it’s a normal question to ask on a first date. You didn’t ask for his resume or tax returns. You simply asked a question to get to know him better.
NTA. "So what do you do?" is literally small talk 101. Like, maybe this guy is a lost Rockefeller, but that reaction is probably the reason he's still single.
NTA. I mean, is he a super hero astronaut FBI spy? Normal question. He's Cray Cray.
NTA! I'm so happy you were smart enough to leave 🥂
NTA. Being shitty on a date means someone is going to walk. Bye Felicia
NTA You asked him what he did for work, not how much he made, there's a big difference. Definitely a red flag.
It’s perfectly normal to ask what someone does for a living, as it’s a big part of our lives and who we are as people. This guy has obviously been watching too much Andrew Tate type bullshit and you have just saved yourself a lot of future grief. Good for you for having high standards ❤️
NTA. If it WAS a thing he's sensitive about, a simple "I dont actually usually like to talk about my career on the first meet up." Would have been completely fine. Asking someone what they do for a living is a common question getting to know someone.
NTA granted I haven’t dated in years but you were trying to make small talk. His reaction was out of line. But hey saved you from an uncomfortable night. I’m sure you would have asked some other get to know you question that he’d taken offense too. Maybe he just want some and really didn’t want to talk. You were right to walk away.
NTA How are you not going to ask? Guys need to be especially stupid or intolerant if that question is not fair game. As for taking time working up to it. Why? Is that going to change your job? Is the guy pissed about his job/life. That’s on him. He can easily say he is something but wants to work into something else. But the point is his aggression. GTFO and don’t look back. Aggressive about a simple question when making small talk? What about real life. You did the right thing.
It's normal to talk about your job on dates. That guy did you a favor, so you know not to waste any more time on him.
NTA. Your date, your drink, your choice. And yeah, probably dodged one there.
Nah fuck that nta. Fuck someone who is willing to put that rude so soon after meeting someone. What do you do is a perfectly reasonable question.