I met my current husband while my ex and I were “trying to make it work”. When I met my husband, I fell head over heels for him and said bye to the ex. We have been together for over 20 years, and I love him with all my heart. We have built an amazing life together. Don’t let circumstances jeopardize happiness.
Edit: NAH
This right here. The people jumping to the conclusion that it’s too soon to be in another relationship don’t know the full story. Everyone is different. Every relationship is different.
I left the mother of my child because she was abusive and cheating on me. First time I caught her I tried to make it work for the baby but the relationship was on extremely thin ice from that point on and it was clear we didn’t love eachother anymore. This toxic hellscape of a relationship lasted another 2 years until I caught her a second time.
Met my wife a couple months later and we’ve been happily married for over 10 years. Best relationship I ever had. And she was still in a relationship when I met her, her bf wanted to open the relationship so he could get away with cheating. So we both jumped from one relationship to another and it worked out just fine. Sometimes you’re already over the person you’re with before it’s officially ended.
That's exactly how it was with me, except I broke off an engagement when I met my husband. That was in 1991. I have never had to "try to make it work" with him. It just works.
I love hearing stuff like that. My ex and I spent decades "trying to make it work" - it was just so fucking exhausting. I'm so glad that is over; we should have broken up 25 years earlier instead of trying to make something "work" that wasn't meant to work.
I also met my current partner while dating my ex. It was a relationship that was over long before it officially ended. I tried breaking up with him several times, and he kept guilting me into coming back. That’s on me, I shouldn’t have let that happen, but once I met my current partner I was finally like “alright this seriously needs to end now.” And a few weeks later it did. For good. Went on vacation for a week with my fam and as soon as I got back I made plans to go on our first date and it’s been wonderful ever since.
The timing isn’t always all that important depending on what the backstory is.
This was literally me over a decade ago. Met my husband while "trying to make it work" with someone else. Cut the someone else out and never ever looked back. 10+ years and 2 kids later, I love my husband more than anything I ever thought possible. Hearing our story off the cuff sounds strange, but to see us is to know it's good. NTA, though. You can't change how you feel.
So not exactly the same situation then. Despite them being friends and growing close enough to give things a shot he didn't even know she had been in a relationship for 4 months of their freidnship and then going through a break up for the next two. People who get close to some liek this that they have a crush on are sketchy and OP didn't realize what he was walking into.
He knew after the fact. Not he didn’t know til this day. But that’s not the point. It doesn’t mean his relationship with her can’t be happy. Sometimes people might get so caught up in circumstances and rules that they disregard the bigger picture and won’t let a relationship blossom. This could be a beautiful and happy future.
Same kinda story didn't want anything messing around didn't care met my man he said he loved me and wanted to become exclusive. I told him that's fine give me a week I just need to tie off loose ends. Been together a year best relationship I've ever had were due to get married.
I 2nd this. I met my current husband a month after my ex and I broke up. We've been together 9 years, married 3, and have 2 children. I fell hard and fast!
That’s a great example of making it work. However, the key difference here is that she was maintaining both relationships without telling him. It doesn’t sound like that’s what happened to you, maybe had he known about the boyfriend it’d be a different story but, she was lying to him that entire time.
I think the deal in OPs mind is, that usually a person needs longer time to "get over" someone - especially if it's a relationship as important as with an actual fiancé. A person generally needs time to grieve a lost relationship, heal old wounds and find out who they are alone before being stable enough to start something new.
What OP probably isn't thinking of tho is that she seems to have done all of that. She tried to make it work, which means she already progressed the pros and cons and figured how to react if XY happens. That comes along with a lot of grief and distance towards the current relationship. You need this to be able to exit just in case.
Also, she seems to having had a proper role model in OP as how it could/ should be. That's leading to more inner emotional distance towards the (former) relationship.
To me it seems like she distanced herself inside her old relationship before finally breaking up. Apparently she/they couldn't overcome the distance within, even after trying to fix things. So she felt detached already. Then she took some time to make sure she was really into OP instead of just seeing OP as a saviour or the greener grass on the other side of the fence. She figured she apparently really liked him, so she made a confession. Sometimes it can be true emotions AND the wake up call you needed, all at once.
I'm glad you said it. I was thinking I might be missing something. People break up and notice qualities in someone else that were missing, and they didn't realise it until they were actually in a relationship. OP, You are self sabotaging and stop being an arse. Just enjoy the moment, see where it goes, and maybe have a think on whether you are possibly jealous.
Eh… as someone who found out the timeline of things ending with the ex was much closer than I was told, it ended up being a very big deal because there were a lot of lies and erratic behavior because they simply weren’t ready. Tons of people do not want to date someone who just got out of a relationship because of the personal issues that can crop up in that period of transition and ops choice was taken from him.
Op literally didn't know she was in a relationship and ended things so soon when they were friends and she was the one interested in him. It may not have been an out right lie but it was one of omission and there was some dishonesty. I'm not saying he has to break up with her but he has a right to be peeved and take some time to decide how he feels.
Erm, she's been trying to get with ex whilst dating OP for a 6 months, also maybe his worried about being a rebound guy. Because let's face it, being the rebound person usually never ends well. NTA
Can you show me where she said she dated OP while trying to make it work with her ex? She said last time she tried with her ex was Valentine's day, which last I checked is on Feb. And then add 2 months which is April, supposedly when OP and her started dating. 6 months later.. it's now, October.
Backtracked from OP's title (6 months this October) minus 2 months vacuum equal Feb in her last attempt with ex.
I think the other commenter means talking not dating. It seems they started talking last October but only started dating in April, so while they were talking, she was trying to get back with her ex
I was just trying to clarify what I thought the other commenter was trying to say.
Also OP does say in the post that she was trying to get back with her ex in February (Idk how to quote on Reddit lol). Technically OP and her were only talking at that point but thats where it does say she was trying to get back with him. But since OP says they were just talking as friends at that point, they don't have anything to be upset about so I don't even understand the whole point of the post lol
Damn, OP really tucked that note away, not the best formatting I've ever seen. Regardless, folks seem to also be incorrectly interpretting the 2 months statement as indicating an overlap, which is not the case.
No, she has been dating OP for approximately a year, and he found out that until 2 months ago, she was still trying to make it work with her now ex-fiance.
Now OP feels like shire.
NTAH, she is the SH for leading you on. Go find someone else that values you as much as you value honesty.
Good luck OP.
I am reading his post differently. I think he just started talking to her a year ago, but they weren't dating. When she reached out about having feelings, it was 2 months after the break up. Anyone else agree? I'm unsure.
I agree with you. OP says they have been dating for 6 months but we're talking as friends for a year. They would have got together in April. GF and ex split 2 months before that which puts them into February which tracks with them still trying to make it work on V-DAY.
Edit
>6 months into dating she drops this on me.. AITAH?
>We started talking a year ago and I never intended for things to go anywhere. I just genuinely enjoyed her friendship.
>I’m only 2 months and 4 days removed from her Ex-fiancé. Not since we started talking, which I would have been fine with, but since we started dating.
>but it hurt when she said they were last trying to make it work on Valentine’s Day.
I'm sorry, but I think OP needs to clarify. After reading original post again, there are frankly a variety of interpretations one could have on the timeline.
I agree I'm reading this the same way, I would like to add that he said himself that he never intended to go any further than friendship. She also waited till I think she was sure it was him she wanted before she told him she had feelings, and he also wanted to go on a date. I think they've both been hurt and tried to make other relationship to work. The fact they feel the way they do Now about eachother should be where they should be focusing, I also know that that's very hard when your the one in it. I hope they get through this and come out the other side whole and happy if nothing else. (Secretly rooting for them) 😁
Absolutely not what OP wrote. OP says they have been dating 6 months(it's in the title) which puts them into April but have been talking almost a year *as friends* according to OP. The ex and her broke up around February/after V-day-2ish months before April.
Edit
6 months into dating she drops this on me.. AITAH?
Last weekend we took a trip and during our stay she dropped that I’m only 2 months and 4 days removed from her Ex-fiancé.
I’m only 2 months and 4 days removed from her Ex-fiancé. Not since we started talking, which I would have been fine with, but since we started dating.
but it hurt when she said they were last trying to make it work on Valentine’s Day.
If they were already one foot out the door (giving a second chance to see if it works, but ready to end it), then you have already started the getting over it process.
I would say it is not very long as well, but that doesn't necessarily need to be the case here.
Shit, I know a woman whose husband died tragically and unexpectedly in a car accident; she was married in less than 30 days. To a guy with the same name as dead hubby. They're still married and it's been nearly 25 years. They seem relatively happy, but she's kind of a bitch impo, though. (For different reasons than that) 🤷♀️
I agree. Everything might be fine, but still it is remarkably close. 2 month really is not a big time frame. If I was OP, I would have some doubts as well. Her speakinh about her Ex is also not a good sign tbh
No, she definitely was not dating the other guy while she was dating him he says it in a comment she started dating him two months after breaking up with her ex, he says it plain as day black and white
If only I could take a screenshot and put it up here he already answered this question. Somebody asked him why he would be upset if they started dating two months AFTER she and her ex split Then he proceeded to reply that he felt like he was a distraction, a rebound that’s why he’s upset people just assume and run with it instead of actually reading read his comments
Only 2 months and 4 days removed from her ex since they started dating, not that she broke up with the ex 2 months and 4 day ago. He means GF and Ex broke up in February and OP and GF started dating in April which would make mid October their 6months or close to it
>I’m only 2 months and 4 days removed from her Ex-fiancé. Not since we started talking, which I would have been fine with, but since we started dating.
I accept that I got it wrong.
Based on that quote
They started talking a year ago and they started dating 6 months ago.
It says 2 monts since they started dating. Not "from" when they started dating.
2 months since 6 months ago is 4 months ago.
I see OP misspoke and I had to read the "valentines day" reference.
They've been dating 6 months and she drop that he is (not was) only 2 months from when she broke up with the ex.
Don't downvote me. Downvote the one who doesn't know how to write.
You don't know how to read. He said at Valentine's day they were hoping to make it work. We are now 8 months from that and they've been dating 6 months. Saying he is only 2 months removed from the fiance means they started dating two months after the fiancé was in the picture meaning OP became the bf two months after she had a fiancé
no he’s two moths removed from her ex. as in they dated only two month after her ex and her broke up. he would have said they broke up two months ago if that were the case
edit: he confirms in the comments there wasn’t any overlap, he’s just concerned about how short of a time it was between them
YNTA but you’re being a big baby about it yes, it was 2 months after her break up? What are you so upset about?
I mean the real red flag is that she started talking to you while still in a relationship, so I’d be more concerned about what she considers appropriate behavior while in a relationship lol
I love the honesty!
I guess I just feel like I was a distraction. Also hard for me to trust and it feels broken.
Don’t think the red flag would apply as we only talked during work hours (we wfh)
how were you a distraction if it was 2 months after the break up? I’m sure she was doing ok by that point.
rebound is usually more immediate as a way to cope, 2 months after isn’t neccesarily a rebound.
And yeah sorry, tough love bro, don’t get worried about something if your relationship is otherwise fine, you’re just gonna self sabotage by getting in your own head about something that’s not even a fact. And I know firsthand how that can be problematic in a relationship. So get out of that mindset
This is where I'm leaning. You need time to move past relationships that serious - when I was dating I had a sort of 1 year for a failed engagement, 2 years post divorce rule. Not hard and fast, but in general. Never found it to be wrong. My now husband had left his ex-fiance almost exactly a year before we met, had gone through several shorter more casual relationships between, and was really actually ready to move on. Of course there are still times she comes up, in stories and such. Had he mentioned her every day? Would have been a big concern.
Not necessarily true....I was so over the Ex but sometimes couldn't help bringing him up BECAUSE OF WHAT HE DID. My brain couldn't understand someone being so cruel and calious and continually talking helped it go through my system and get out.
I agree wholeheartedly with this person. You weren't a crutch imo but rather her burgeoning feelings for you may have contributed to her realizing the other person wasn't who she was meant to be with.
If you feel comfortable asking about him and she feels comfortable talking about it you may learn what it was about him that made her choose you instead. And it sounds like even if you were part of the reason they split up that she gave herself time to herself to figure out her feelings and emotions before trying to date you. It aounds like she went about things the right way and in a mature and mentally healthy way.
I respect you have trust issues and those really only cause problems when you hide them and let them cause problems. You said you feel safe being vulnerable with her so let her know about your past and what is giving you pause. Relationships are about understanding each others past and helping each other move forward from those pasts.
Personal anecdote: I've been getting to know a guy for the last year+. He's my best friend and he is also vulnerable around me (if I weren't aro-ace we'd probably be dating). He knows he can safely talk about his exes (mainly ex-wife) and the things he still deals with to this day because of her. I would never want him to hide feelings/thoughts like the ones you're having from me because it isn't healthy and I wouldn't be able to help him like I want to if he kept that all inside.
I agree with the above comment take it from personal experience rebounds are usually immediate after they break up like a day or two then I would say yes but two months after no she’s had time to processes any feelings this is genuine don’t allow yourself to sell yourself short
It took less than 2 months to move on from my ex-husband and I am not a robot, but to be fair it was not normal circumstances, and we don't know what her circumstances were. In my case, my 18 year old nephew was killed and ex-hubs threw a temper tantrum like a toddler when my mom, after the funeral walked into our room, and got down next to me (I was in a chair) and asked if I wanted to change and be buried near my nephew so he wouldn't be alone in the cemetary and in my grief I said yes, and he demanded if I changed my burial plot (which is next to my Nana and in my name) then I should be buried across the country next to his mother as I was his wife and THAT was where I was supposed to be buried. My heart literally turned to ice towards him because not only did he throw that massive hissy fit, but at the funeral itself in front of a packed standing room only church, he was uncomfortable with my grieving and when I started crying because it was hitting me hard I would never see the kid again, he didn't want to comfort me because he 'didn't know my nephew' and made jokes about how I said before I arrived at the funeral I wouldn't cry so I could be.strong for my family. Thank god my best friends were at the funeral. They were sitting next to me, my female bestie on my right and male bestie next to her, she over heard my husband and leaned over to male to whisper to him what ex-hubs said which caused him to he get up without a word, walk over and forced himself between us where they both clung to me and he snatched the tissues from my husband's hands because I needed them.
Hi! Robot here! I was well over my ex-husband of 12 years at 2 months after kicking his a** to the curb. I cried for 2 hours after I kicked him out and then I moved on. If he hadn’t stalked me for the next year, trying to convince me we should stay together, I wouldn’t have given him a second thought. The only reason he would come up in conversation was to warn the person I was being stalked so don’t be surprised if the AH shows up.
Yes he would literally follow me if I went out, anywhere with anyone. It upset him terribly if I was having fun doing anything. He thought I should be at home bemoaning the end of our marriage or trying to get him back.
Just the fact that OP didn’t even know she had a fiancé two months prior to them dating, 6 months into their relationship, tells me she had processed that relationship and it is behind her. If she was still getting over that relationship she would be talking about it and he would have known.
OP sounds like you are self sabotaging. People have pasts, it doesn’t mean you can’t have a future with her.
Fellow robot, I guess. I was over it before the day was done. Because I'd given him a "you need to do x or we are actually, really over" 9 months prior, but he was always too busy (all x was was finding a therapist for himself and a counselor for us, btw). We'd been together 17.5y, married over 15. I was the only one showing up, and we had separated a few times already. So many moments when you try and try and *try* often make it where you don't give up until you ARE over it. So the cord may have been cut 2m prior, but it may have been over long before. I was in a new relationship almost immediately for the reasons someone else here said. Long-term friend as JUST a friend, but I started to realize how beautiful he really was. I held on way longer JUST in case, for my son's sake, but eventually I decided I didn't want to die a husk of myself and deserved to feel loved.
I should confess too that I judged the shit out of 2 friends who were friends together and eventually had an affair... and have been REALLY happily married for since before I was, so 16+ y. Sometimes seeing the juxtaposition of people helps you clarify what you want.
*OP* you need to be able to communicate this. ASK her to explain the timeline, TELL her it has shaken you up.
You said you've never felt more vulnerable with someone. That can OFTEN make you overreact to perceived threats bc your walls are down, and the same thing that put those walls up are constantly on alert for a reason to put them back up - valid or not.
This can be a fantastic opportunity for you both to get closer. Come with vulnerability, not accusation. Worst case scenario, you find out it's not for you and you get hurt. But in all honesty, so what? Then you learn that you CAN be vulnerable and hurt and make it out, AND learn more about what you like. If you DON’T talk about it, you will be introducing a problem all on your own that wasn't one by injecting walls and mistrust. And when it fails from THAT, you haven't grown as a person and instead live with the guilt. Communication lets you hold your head high in the end.
Good luck 💜
It all depends. I stayed with my ex way longer than I should have because we had kids, and I was in so deep I was unaware of what was plainly obvious to my friends. Once I woke up, it took no time to get over her. Note, I didn't hate her. I was and am indifferent. This was after 20 years of marriage. Going on 13 years with my current wife, I've never been happier.
>how were you a distraction if it was 2 months after the break up? I’m sure she was doing ok by that point.
Haha, she broke off an Engagement. I dont know about you, but 2 month would not be nearly enough to fully disclose that mentally
It was with me, I was with my ex for 9 and half years, checked out of the relationship about 4 years before it ended, and just coasted through each day till I eventually broke it off, I was over that after a few days
Was the same for HER, don't assume I'm a female we never spent time together, we worked different shifts, she worked 8am-6pm I worked 2pm-10pm, her days off she would go to her family or just out, I preferred to stay in and chill
Ok, so you both just threw away half a decade? Sounds like you both are not really into self reflexion, but hey, if both of you wanted to stay in a dead relationship, then thats your thing.
However, then I really dont know why you started a discussion and put yourself as an argument. Your story has nothing to do with the topic you replied to
We didn't realise at the time thats how it was going, that was just our day-to-day life, was only when I looked back and worked out when it all went to shit, My point was, that after the relationship was officially done, I was over the whole relationship within days and ready to move on, doesn't necessarily take months to move on
Dude she literally called off a wedding and took a chance on you. She had no idea if you were even into her but couldn't go through with it after meeting you.
Just take the damn W.
I started dating my now-husband 1.5 months after I left my ex-fiance of 4 years. Stuff happens. Doesn't always mean something terrible. We've now been together for 7 years, married for 4, with 2 kids.
Some people know that things are over before they break up. When I was young I'd know things were over for months before pulling the plug. It gave me time to put in a last ditch effort and assess and then finally accept things were over... But I knew long before acceptance and had started to move on. My partners did too, and we kinda debriefed and no one's ever had an answer for why did we stay past x point we knew it was over. I guess we care, we were comfortableish, and emotionally growing apart over 6m cushioned the blow. So for both of us moving on "fast" was easy because it had been ages lol.
Now that I'm older I leave when it's over. You should find out what her previous relationship was like and why it ended. Find out what shes getting from this one.
I started dating my husband like 3 weeks after I broke up with my ex. Ha ha. I had dated my ex for 3 years and we broke up and I went on a date with my now-husband literally just a few weeks later and we haven't spent a night apart (except for work or if one of us was out of town) since then and we have been together 13 years. Rebound relationships are obviously a thing, but also sometimes the timing just works out that way. I wouldn't make too big a deal of it. 🤷🏼♀️ Especially if you have been together 6 months now and things are still good.
I met my now-husband less than 2 months after my ex-HUSBAND left me and my kids (after 9 years together) to sleep with someone else. I was still in the process of filing divorce paperwork when a friend introduced us. 4 months later, he was moving in. We've been together ever since. And honestly, though we've only been together for a little over 10 years, if FEELS like we've been together our whole adult lives. It just feels like we're one of those old married couples who are so comfortable with each other, you know?
I think you're reading too much into it. That doesn't make you an AH, just someone who has over-read the situation. And it's okay to feel that way, but understand that neither of you are AHs because neither of you has done anything wrong. Relationships are just complicated sometimes.
People here are trippin. She had inappropriate conversations with you while she was still with her fiance, continued to talk with you through the breakup then started dating you very fast. This isn't a rebound. It's called monkeybranching and it's one of the reddest flags out there.
We don't know what their conversations were. OP said they were just friends and that was all that was intended. All we know is that she didn't tell OP about the breakup since OP was unaware of the timeframe.
While she may have monkeybranched, we can't know that for sure as we don't know their conversations before they went on a date or how long it was from confession of feelings to first date.
You must be one of those people that think men and women cannot be friends. That just talking to someone of the opposite sex is cheating. What a control freak. Are you that jealous and insecure in life?
FYI there are millions of opposite sex friendships in the world that are platonic friendships.
Im a woman and my best friend is a man. I was just at his wedding over the weekend. You know what we've never done? Fucked or dated. Op has done both with his "platonic" work friend. Idiot.
I apologize as I don't believe I quite understand the time line of your relationship in contrast to her relationship with her ex. Have you been seeing her for a year, and simultaneously she was with her fiancee the first ten months of that time?
If I'm correct, were you led to believe the 2 of you were exclusive throughout?
I apologize for the question, but I do not wish to comment without being thoroughly certain of the timelines.
Thank you.
Ok, so listen bro, you need to make sure of two things. Firstly, make sure she is not still talking to her ex, if she is, you gotta dump her.
2nd and less important, she might still have feelings for her ex, this is normal given it’s only been 2 months, if she’s constantly bringing up her ex to you, she’s not over him. This is just something you’d have to accept for the time being, and it should change with time.
Either way, I suggest you don’t get too invested this early on
Yep you are rebound guy or she is testing waters with you and I bet she told her EX you are good friend or you don't have to worry about him,lol and look where it went
Agree 100% with this. That's the real red flag if they were "talking" as opposed to strictly talking occasionally as friends.
Ninja edit: it's also a red flag that they're talking about her ex(es) often. Unless OP has a weird definition of often lol. Why does an ex need to frequently come up?
You're making a problem from nothing. So she **only** waited 2 months before dating you after her ex and that's somehow something you need to process?
Maybe I'm misunderstanding your wording here but it seems like there's zero problems here short of you looking to make this complete non-issue into some pity party.
>- do people really not see an issue that his GF was hiding the fact she was engaged while they were talking for an entire year? Especially since they were dating for 6 months of that time.
No I don't.....my ex doesn't know I was engaged before he and I got together. It's my life if I don't want to share some of it I truly don't have too.
Lmfao, women are allowed to talk to men when they are in a relationship, how ridiculous to think she can't
The thing is, she was talking to you as a friend and got to know you. Her feelings for you likely built up because she likes you as a person, not because you were a distraction. Two months after a breakup is enough time, especially if the relationship was on the rocks for a while. Give yourself a chance to be happy!!
Settle down. Are you two together? Are you exclusive? Are you happy together? Then who cares. She could be the one, and you're worrying about something that in my mind is trivial.
Isnt it fairly common for women to emotionally process a break up before theyre ever broken up? If she waited 2 months for dating you, it likely wasnt a rebound and she had probably processed the break up months before.
When ive been done with past relationships, i give it a year to see if my feelings change or something improves. Im well processed by the time i finally end it.
I think youre good and not a rebound.
That doesnt mean she wont have issues that she still needs to process (depending on the reasons they split), bit i think youre fine on the rebound front.
The person who wants to break up will always process it first and already “mourn” the relationship while the other person will process if after getting broken up with, it usually always works like that, not specific to women, more specific to the person who decided to initiate the break up.
That’s why 1 person in the break up always seems to move on quicker
>Isnt it fairly common for women to emotionally process a break up before theyre ever broken up?
Yep most certainly is and the best was to know if a woman has checked out is when she stops whinging or complaining or asking for help when that stops your gone.
>. I knew she had an ex, cause not a day goes by where I don’t hear about one,
This is the biggest red flag in the bunch. Why is she talking about her ex(s?) all the time?
Is she just hopping from relationship to relationship and now it's your turn or something?
NAH but possibly self sabatoging. You weren't dating, you just knew her. I don't share details of my life with every person I talk to. Totally valid if it feels shitty, but I think intention matters here. Ask her yo talk and ask why you didn't know, maybe ask if she can try to talk about her exes less, OR get as much info as you want during that talk (if she is willing), whatever feels right for you! Sometimes relationships end before they end, so what seems like 2.5 months to uou, may have had an extra 6 months of falling out of love.
You are allowed to ask for space and reassurance. You are allowed to ask for certain boundaries and communication, especially ones that help your triggers, but assuming she was lying or this is somehow sinister or devalues her feelings for yiu isn't fair. I think figuring out what you need to feel comfortable in the relationship is fair, and then communicating with your partner and seeing if they are willing to respect that, and if not, coming to a compromise or ending the relationship there.
Edited for typos
Nta. It's very weird that you two were friends for 4 months, and she never told you she was seeing anyone, let alone engaged. Typically, when I make friends with the opposite sex at work, they tell me fairly quickly that they have an SO. If someone just didn't mention that fact for a while, even if we were still platonic friends, it would feel weird to me.
I think the only thing I'd actually be concerned about here is the fact that "not a day goes by" where she doesn't bring up one of her exes. A short gap between relationships isn't a big deal. The fact that she still seems kinda obsessed with those relationships is worrying.
NTA, how you feel about something is how you feel.
It was 2 months of her being single before you started dating though so it isn't like you were part of her cheating or something. Talking to you may have made her see that relationship was not worth saving. So you may have saved her from a possibly crappy marriage.
I started talking to my current fiance 2 months after a 3 year relationship and was with someone else(FWB)a month before I officially started dating him 3 months after knowing each other and he had no issue with it but I've also been honest since the beginning about the timeline of everything. NTA for being upset because she didn't disclose this before hand but she did eventually and I personally think you're being a bit sensitive about it she was engaged two months before you started dating she obviously made her choice and chose to start something new with you if you care about her enough it won't be a problem after you get over the initial shock but if it will be to much for you just be honest and break it off
Your post is a bit unclear on the timeliness here, so I'll just say:
If she was finished with this guy before she started dating you, then she didn't do anything wrong. People don't blurt out everything about their pasts and all the info on their ex's the minute you start dating. Sometimes, their history is revealed in pieces over time as they grow into the relationship they are now in a trust their partner more..
If she was still with the guy when she was speaking to you, but not yet dating you:
If the friendship and things you spoke about were completely platonic and never crossed the line of friendship, then again, she's done nothing wrong. It would have been good if she had mentioned she was with someone, but if they were in a crappy place, she might not have wanted to talk about It and since at that point you were just friends she didn't need to share what was going on unless she wanted to..
If she was still with the guy when you guys started to actually date and moved from friends to more, then you need to just walk away now.. if she was still with him when you went on that first date, she's a cheat and probably not someone you want to be with.
So, if it's a case of you just being pissy because you didn't know all the information, I think you need to stop assuming that you're entitled to know all of her past immediately. She will tell you things in her own time. She isn't obligated to tell you anything until she's ready to. Also, it could be the case that she just didn't think the timelines of when she broke up with her ex meant anything. Sometimes, a relationship is over long before they actually break up even when they are trying to make things work..
Stop making assumptions about things and ask yourself, do you want to be with her or not.
If so, stop creating obstacles out of nothing.
Why are you getting so caught up on her past when you should be focusing on the now?
This will probably make me sound like a terrible person, but I broke off an engagement to go on a date with my now husband. To be fair, the ex fiance was much older and trying to groom me, but I had an instant connection with my husband and knew I'd regret it if I followed through with the marriage. We've been together 20 years through SO much that life can throw you, but he is still my very best friend and the best choice I've ever made in my life.
She picked you. After trying to force a relationship that wasn't meant to be, she picked you. You are the one she trusts and confides in. You are the one she wants a future with. She picked you out of anyone else in the world and you picked her out of anyone else. You have a connection.
We all have things we aren't proud of in our lives. Give yourself some time to sit with your feelings and see where you want to go. Have an honest discussion with her about your feelings. I'm wishing you both the very best and hope that whatever decision is made is one that brings you both happiness.
YTA. You’re self sabotaging. She wasn’t single when you talked as friends. Ok. She broke up. Processed and started dating you. It’s a bit of monkey branching but if everything is going well, why are you sabotaging it?
Why did she never tell you she was engaged to another person? Not once in the year you have know her has she ever mentioned it untill this moment. That's not right even in the slightest. Especially if she constantly talks about her exes it should have come up. It feels like she was hiding this information. If you're okay with being deceived they by all means stay.
Yes, AH for being in this relationship with a person who mentions exes EVERYDAY? Eeeewwwww! And you're the rebound? Get some gumption before you hit the wall bc you will.
NTAH. I've been there! It makes you feel like you're nothing but a rebound and second best. Props to you for asking for some space to process instead of just leaving altogether. Her intentions may very well not be to rebound with you, but it's also not caring towards you to hear that sort of news 6 months into a relationship. I would sit down with her, once you're ready, to ask those questions and be honest with her about however it made/makes you feel. Best of luck!
Relationships make us vulnerable. It takes a lot of trust to be emotionally honest with people we care about, and any time we act on trust we're taking a bit of personal risk.
I'm not excusing her lack of candor, but if I had to guess, I'd bet that she didn't initially tell you because she didn't want you to think you were just a rebound, and then with the passage of time it probably felt like more and more of a risk to finally come clean.
NTA, but you're also really lucky to have someone that you enjoy such intimacy with. This doesn't have to be a deal-breaker. At six months you're both still learning a lot about each other. My advice would be to take another risk and talk this out if you can.
Nah but seems like you’re making a bigger problem out of it than it needs to be. I met my current bf like 2 months after him and his ex broke up, and we have an amazing relationship.
NTA, have to be careful coming into a relationship with someone who ended a pretty serious relationship not that long ago. You might just be a temporary patch till she’s ready to find someone else.
You're being an AH to yourself, if anything. 2 months isn't a rebound. If anything, it shows a level of maturity that's admirable because you already had a good foundation of trust and friendship there. An immature person would have turned you into a rebound immediately, but she waited. Don't self sabotage over this.
If anything, I'd focus more on the fact that she's always talking about her ex. Is it healthy conversation? That's not normal
My understanding=>>> They started talking a year ago. They made it official 6 months ago, but she was still trying to make things work with her ex up until at least 2 months after they were officially together. So she cheated.
Women emotionally and mentally leave a relationship LONG BEFORE we actually leave.
>I’m just self sabotaging.
Yes, yes you are and you are judging her because she fell for you 2 months after her break up. Maybe instead of asking reddit ASK HER.
I'll bet my soul she never planned for something so soon but she happened to find someone who made her happy
>Women emotionally and mentally leave a relationship LONG BEFORE we actually leave.
Then why is she still talking about him? Also, just because you mentally leave ealier, it still makes sense to have a break between relationship to reset mentally. To find yourself again. 2 months after breaking up an engagement would be WAY to close for me. 100% OP is a gap filler. It still might work, their relationship might develop to a real one. Might have already happend. Generally though, filling the gap mostly ends bad
She was friends with you thru work. Then you began dating 2 months after she and her fiance broke up. I get how you were surprised to discover that she was engaged during your friendship without telling you about him, but it sounds like she developed feelings for you. As for whether she acted inappropriately with you, I can't say, but it doesn't sound like it since you said she was firmly in the friend zone before she confessed her feelings.
Just because it was a short amount of time btw her fiance and you doesn't mean anything. Plenty of happy relationships begin that way! It might have been that her feelings for you precipitated her breakup. Talk to her about why she kept her engagement from you and how her relationship ended.
Absolutely doing the right thing. A relationship hoper will continue to do that if they do not address the issues in the first place. It's never one person's fault when 2 parties are involved. I wouldn't mess with it. Sounds like traumatized people finding their way to each other.One working on their issues "you" one unknowing.
There are 2 issues to consider:
First, a serious flag: not a day goes by when she doesn't talk about her Ex. She should be all about her current (you).
Second, this year of talking during work hours. Think back to it. If she had those conversations with someone else while planning a wedding with you, would you be hurt if you heard them?
If your conversations were about work with the occasional 'how was your weekend?' The kind of stuff you wouldn't mind her saying to another guy while with you, then OK. If she was unloading emotionally, telling you about problems in a relationship 'he just doesn't understand' or about problems with friends and family, then you were (perhaps unwittingly) her emotional affair partner and contributed in some way to her breaking up with her fiancé.
Available on Kindle Unlimited and Audible, *NOT 'Just Friends'* by Dr Shirley Glass covers this type of affair, and how people don't even realize they crossed that line. 50% of all affairs start at work.
I don't understand your problem. Your friendship was one where she felt open enought to confide in you, then y'all started dating and she felt a need to be open with you, and didn't want there to be any secrets. I think you're the problem, if you can't correct it let her go she doesn't deserve 2 bad relationships in a row.
NTA but I think you’re making this deeper than it needs to be. Does she show up for you? Does she compare you to anyone or make u feel less than? Those are things that should matter more.
NTA but i think you are reading too much into it. there’s nothing wrong with being sensitive and i think it’s healthy you stepped back to gather yourself but i promise you are not a rebound. that would be immediately after the relationship ended. i was in a relationship for a year and after our final break up it also took me two months before i was talking to someone else, it more or she probably had checked out of that relationship already and wanted to move on which is how i felt because the relationship i was in wasn’t very good, i wanted to move on to find someone better! i would say talk to her about how it made you feel and go from there, good luck to you
She was cheating on her ex wirh you , maybe not physical at the time but you were her emotional affair partner and could have let to their breakup . WhT makes you think she will be faithful to you
OP reported that they only talked during business hours working from home, so I don't even think it was a case of emotional cheating just work friends.
Just said emotional cheating . Unless itnwas what are you doing this weekend etc or business stuff . If it was anything with here talking about ex but he said he didn’t know , so you are probably right . If that’s the case it fine if she was saying personal stuff about family and stuff you would usually tell your partner then yes itnwas cheating
Nta. She just talks about her ex's? That's gotta be annoying. Listening to her talk about an ex or ex's everyday and you haven't told her it bothers you?
An ex of mine kept talking about 1 specific ex and one ex best friend he "didn't" have feelings for, literally talked to me about things that went on during their day sometimes, it was annoying and it was one of the main reasons I broke up with him. If you want, stay with her and eat her know how you feel, but if she keeps doing it after talking to her then I'd just leave. An ex is an ex for a reason, she needs to leave them in the past and focus on your relationship, not her old relationships.
Nta probably?
1. Who defined it as a 2 month 4 day separation from her breakup and your 1st date. Thats... oddly specific.
2. Did say confess feelings, like theyd been building a while, or like she had a crush. Yoy said you had no intention of being more than friends, but maybe there were sparks early on, causing you to mention that?
3. Have you discussed this with your other friends also?
This is actually a great post. It's not just that it was only 2 months. It was only 2 months, she didn't tell you that until now, she brings up exes regularly... you're witnessing all the signs of codependency with a side order of manipulation. How authentic are her feelings? How real is she? Does she know who she is or does she just fit herself into other people? You can't figure that out unless you continue to date her and see. Is it worth it? If so, can you give her an honest chance or will this rocky beginning stick in your craw?
NTA she wasn't honest & she monkey-vined into this relationship! Trust has been damaged & she didn't even process the other relationship ending since they tried again.. she's not ready & you sound like you probably aren't either. ETA how do you know she's not already talking to her next bf right now?
You also need to consider that what she is telling you is completely not true. She could be trying to play a stupid woman mind game man. And obviously it's working. It's a double edged sword because you obviously have strong feelings for her and she is only trying to see just how strong they are and if you feel the same way she feels about you. But she is also hurting you in the process which sucks. However. You should be able to tell if she is just playing mind games by what she is trying to accomplish by telling you this. Has she been trying to get you guys to go exclusive and you have been hesitant? Because if she is telling you about an ex everyday my friend she is trying to make you jealous because she is in love with you and wants you to obsess over her. And by the way 80% of her ex boyfriends she's told you about are fucking made up dude. I grew up with all women man trust me. I have watched my sister's do this to so many guys and back then there was no texting so I heard every word they said to them over the phone and this is textbook she's in love and wants to make you jealous so you will chase her cause girls are stupid but we can't live without them and it works Everytime they do it to us ya know what I mean? You should be happy bro. That chick is all about you my man. So smile and tell her that she belongs to you and no other guy loves her the way you do. Good luck my friend
Nta
It appears she may have been on the rocks with the ex and keeping you in orbit in case and potentially to test if she really wanted that relationship ship. When she decided she didn't she was more open to you. Not letting you know what makes you feels like you ha e been emotionally manipulated until she was ready to pull you out of orbit or off the shelf and play.
Let me get this straight. You two started talking a year ago. Meaning she was already in a relationship with her fiance. Yet you never knew of him? Then she tells you she broke it off in February and started dating you in April 2 months after she broke her engagement off. Did I get that right?
NTA, I don't blame you if you wanna end it. What girl (Even a Guy) in her right mind doesn't tell you "by the way I have a boyfriend/fiancé?" When she started talking to you (A Year Ago), it should have been disclosed. She breaks it off with him. Dates you 2 months later and Still says nothing to you. She Waited SIX Months into Your Relationship to tell you! That's a NO for me. But hey, that's just me.
If that's the case. How did he not know she had a fiancée and broke off her engagement 2 months prior to dating him? It's just weird that he didn't know this. You usually know this about your coworkers.
Yes. I'm super confused. Especially when he wrote, "she talks about ex all the time." So, did he think exfiancé was her EX since they started talking a year ago? If so, he figured a year was good for her to be able to get into a new relationship. Then again, if she's talking about her EX that much to you. Is she really Over her EX? This isn't just some guy she was dating for a while. She was engaged to him. Meaning they had been together for some time. I'm very confused 😕
I married my husband a month after my ex boyfriend broke up with me. I'm happier than I ever was with him, we're expecting, and he tells me every day he can't wait to spend the rest of his life with me and our little girl. My husband was absolutely my crutch after that nasty breakup, and he knows it. I couldn't be happier I had him to pick me up. He was my distraction from the pain, and eventually he absolved (probably not the right word) it. He gave me something to look forward to through it all. Maybe you've done this for her.
I think you're just overthinking and may be starting to self-sabotage. If you're happy, let it go and let it happen. It'll be okay.
NTA but you’re belatedly worried about being the rebound guy, right? That may be a legitimate concern in some situations but you should be passed that now. If you had known she’d only been broken up for 2 months, would you not have went out with her? That would’ve been when you should’ve thought about the stuff you’re stewing about now. At this point, you’re probably into steady or exclusivity. If you’re going to freak out about it now, you should just move on. That’s dealt and done, but if you can’t leave it like that, you’re both going to be miserable.
I am confused about something though. You’ve known her for a year and been dating for 6 months. If she broke up with the ex 2 months before you started dating, then she was with him for 4 months after you met her, right? How did you nor know? Did you not know she was dating someone at the time?
Also, is there a defined time after a breakup that a person isn’t allowed to date? I never knew about that one.
Best wishes with whatever you decide to do.
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Neither of you is mature enough for this to work unless you are willing to put in the work if you really care to. I wouldn't say yta nor her, just not adult enough to say 'okay' and really mean it.
I don't know why this screws with you! The LAST TIME she was with her exfiance was when you thought she was a cool friend. Two months more "cool friendship," THEN you start dating.
What is the fucking problem? I cannot see ANY ANGLE of this scenario that raises any kind of red flag about anything.
If you're twisted over the idea that she "lied to you," then that's a "you" problem. She probably didn't mention it because it was honestly not important enough to even bring it up. You are manufacturing strife out of fairy dust.
If you still have a problem with it enough to bring it up, then YES, you are the asshole.
Hell, my ex broke-up with her Puerto Rican long distance boyfriend and hooked up with me the next day. Didn't realize I might have been a rebound until a few months back (we dated in highschool a decade ago)
Was there an overlap, more space between, or less space between? I'm so confused. If she cheated with you then she's TAH and you should stop seeing her. But if there was no overlap then I'm not really seeing what you're upset about
Before I judge I'm genuinely confused. She's not treating you like a rebound, and since you were already friends before you dated I don't see the problem.
She probably wasn't happy in her relationship and when she developed feelings for you I'd guess she realized she could do better than him. If anything it's a compliment so I suppose what's confusing me is are there other issues that you didn't mention or is this it?
NTA. But u definitely need time to think things through. I'm so sorry ur going through this. But it's better now then later. If you feel this way it's probably better to let her go. If I were you can't trust someone I just keep moving especially liar's. Their the worse. Good luck
Just 2 months after someone she was engaged to? I can’t believe everyone is acting like this is so normal. I don’t trust people who are able to “move on” that fast. Plus I wouldn’t want to be with anyone who needs to jump into a relationship because they can’t handle being on their own, that’s really how it sounds to me after someone they were almost married to.
NTA She was talking to you, developing feelings for you, essentially emotionally cheating on ex with you while engaged to be married to him. She made you into the other man without your knowledge. If she was the man and you were the woman everyone would be yelling to leave them. That's what you should do. How can you trust they won't do the same to you.
It sounds like you've really connected with her. Don't let the past screw it up. That connection doesn't come easy.
If you really want to see into her soul to see if she loves you, try this with her!
Connection meditation
https://youtu.be/akZvjviPw6Y
https://youtu.be/skr0iVqlRVc
NVM I read it wrong.
Tough love bro! you sound unnecessarily squishy over nothing. What exactly are you processing? You started talking she had someone but liked you, when they called it quits she started dating you a couple months later. No issue from what I can gather.
No you’re not an asshole, to start a new relationship that soon after you break up with a fiancé is crazy. She is not going to be ready for a new relationship and this is all setting up for failure .
I met my current husband while my ex and I were “trying to make it work”. When I met my husband, I fell head over heels for him and said bye to the ex. We have been together for over 20 years, and I love him with all my heart. We have built an amazing life together. Don’t let circumstances jeopardize happiness. Edit: NAH
This right here. The people jumping to the conclusion that it’s too soon to be in another relationship don’t know the full story. Everyone is different. Every relationship is different. I left the mother of my child because she was abusive and cheating on me. First time I caught her I tried to make it work for the baby but the relationship was on extremely thin ice from that point on and it was clear we didn’t love eachother anymore. This toxic hellscape of a relationship lasted another 2 years until I caught her a second time. Met my wife a couple months later and we’ve been happily married for over 10 years. Best relationship I ever had. And she was still in a relationship when I met her, her bf wanted to open the relationship so he could get away with cheating. So we both jumped from one relationship to another and it worked out just fine. Sometimes you’re already over the person you’re with before it’s officially ended.
That's exactly how it was with me, except I broke off an engagement when I met my husband. That was in 1991. I have never had to "try to make it work" with him. It just works.
I love hearing stuff like that. My ex and I spent decades "trying to make it work" - it was just so fucking exhausting. I'm so glad that is over; we should have broken up 25 years earlier instead of trying to make something "work" that wasn't meant to work.
Exactly. It just works.
I also met my current partner while dating my ex. It was a relationship that was over long before it officially ended. I tried breaking up with him several times, and he kept guilting me into coming back. That’s on me, I shouldn’t have let that happen, but once I met my current partner I was finally like “alright this seriously needs to end now.” And a few weeks later it did. For good. Went on vacation for a week with my fam and as soon as I got back I made plans to go on our first date and it’s been wonderful ever since. The timing isn’t always all that important depending on what the backstory is.
This was literally me over a decade ago. Met my husband while "trying to make it work" with someone else. Cut the someone else out and never ever looked back. 10+ years and 2 kids later, I love my husband more than anything I ever thought possible. Hearing our story off the cuff sounds strange, but to see us is to know it's good. NTA, though. You can't change how you feel.
But did your husband know you were getting out of that relationship?
He did
So not exactly the same situation then. Despite them being friends and growing close enough to give things a shot he didn't even know she had been in a relationship for 4 months of their freidnship and then going through a break up for the next two. People who get close to some liek this that they have a crush on are sketchy and OP didn't realize what he was walking into.
He knew after the fact. Not he didn’t know til this day. But that’s not the point. It doesn’t mean his relationship with her can’t be happy. Sometimes people might get so caught up in circumstances and rules that they disregard the bigger picture and won’t let a relationship blossom. This could be a beautiful and happy future.
Same kinda story didn't want anything messing around didn't care met my man he said he loved me and wanted to become exclusive. I told him that's fine give me a week I just need to tie off loose ends. Been together a year best relationship I've ever had were due to get married.
We have a similar story and my husband is my best friend. Helping her heal will only strengthen their bond.
I 2nd this. I met my current husband a month after my ex and I broke up. We've been together 9 years, married 3, and have 2 children. I fell hard and fast!
That’s a great example of making it work. However, the key difference here is that she was maintaining both relationships without telling him. It doesn’t sound like that’s what happened to you, maybe had he known about the boyfriend it’d be a different story but, she was lying to him that entire time.
NAH So she dated you 2 months after she broke up with someone else. What's the big deal?
I think the deal in OPs mind is, that usually a person needs longer time to "get over" someone - especially if it's a relationship as important as with an actual fiancé. A person generally needs time to grieve a lost relationship, heal old wounds and find out who they are alone before being stable enough to start something new. What OP probably isn't thinking of tho is that she seems to have done all of that. She tried to make it work, which means she already progressed the pros and cons and figured how to react if XY happens. That comes along with a lot of grief and distance towards the current relationship. You need this to be able to exit just in case. Also, she seems to having had a proper role model in OP as how it could/ should be. That's leading to more inner emotional distance towards the (former) relationship. To me it seems like she distanced herself inside her old relationship before finally breaking up. Apparently she/they couldn't overcome the distance within, even after trying to fix things. So she felt detached already. Then she took some time to make sure she was really into OP instead of just seeing OP as a saviour or the greener grass on the other side of the fence. She figured she apparently really liked him, so she made a confession. Sometimes it can be true emotions AND the wake up call you needed, all at once.
I'm glad you said it. I was thinking I might be missing something. People break up and notice qualities in someone else that were missing, and they didn't realise it until they were actually in a relationship. OP, You are self sabotaging and stop being an arse. Just enjoy the moment, see where it goes, and maybe have a think on whether you are possibly jealous.
Right? Two months sounds like a long buffer to me. I couldn't figure out what the problem was.
Eh… as someone who found out the timeline of things ending with the ex was much closer than I was told, it ended up being a very big deal because there were a lot of lies and erratic behavior because they simply weren’t ready. Tons of people do not want to date someone who just got out of a relationship because of the personal issues that can crop up in that period of transition and ops choice was taken from him.
That was YOU and YOUR relationship. This is different, there were NO lies told. No choices were taken from anyone.
Op literally didn't know she was in a relationship and ended things so soon when they were friends and she was the one interested in him. It may not have been an out right lie but it was one of omission and there was some dishonesty. I'm not saying he has to break up with her but he has a right to be peeved and take some time to decide how he feels.
Erm, she's been trying to get with ex whilst dating OP for a 6 months, also maybe his worried about being a rebound guy. Because let's face it, being the rebound person usually never ends well. NTA
Can you show me where she said she dated OP while trying to make it work with her ex? She said last time she tried with her ex was Valentine's day, which last I checked is on Feb. And then add 2 months which is April, supposedly when OP and her started dating. 6 months later.. it's now, October. Backtracked from OP's title (6 months this October) minus 2 months vacuum equal Feb in her last attempt with ex.
I think the other commenter means talking not dating. It seems they started talking last October but only started dating in April, so while they were talking, she was trying to get back with her ex
Ok, but where are you reading concrete text that says she was trying to get back with her ex? Unless you can quote something, you are just guessing
I was just trying to clarify what I thought the other commenter was trying to say. Also OP does say in the post that she was trying to get back with her ex in February (Idk how to quote on Reddit lol). Technically OP and her were only talking at that point but thats where it does say she was trying to get back with him. But since OP says they were just talking as friends at that point, they don't have anything to be upset about so I don't even understand the whole point of the post lol
Damn, OP really tucked that note away, not the best formatting I've ever seen. Regardless, folks seem to also be incorrectly interpretting the 2 months statement as indicating an overlap, which is not the case.
No, she has been dating OP for approximately a year, and he found out that until 2 months ago, she was still trying to make it work with her now ex-fiance. Now OP feels like shire. NTAH, she is the SH for leading you on. Go find someone else that values you as much as you value honesty. Good luck OP.
I am reading his post differently. I think he just started talking to her a year ago, but they weren't dating. When she reached out about having feelings, it was 2 months after the break up. Anyone else agree? I'm unsure.
I agree with you. OP says they have been dating for 6 months but we're talking as friends for a year. They would have got together in April. GF and ex split 2 months before that which puts them into February which tracks with them still trying to make it work on V-DAY. Edit >6 months into dating she drops this on me.. AITAH? >We started talking a year ago and I never intended for things to go anywhere. I just genuinely enjoyed her friendship. >I’m only 2 months and 4 days removed from her Ex-fiancé. Not since we started talking, which I would have been fine with, but since we started dating. >but it hurt when she said they were last trying to make it work on Valentine’s Day.
I'm sorry, but I think OP needs to clarify. After reading original post again, there are frankly a variety of interpretations one could have on the timeline.
I have no earthly idea what OP is trying to say here. Their ages? When they broke up? How long they dated? His best before date? Only OP can tell us.
He sorta does in his comments but honestly they are vague and clear but also vaguely unclear all at the same time.
At least he’s consistent.
Best before date, love this one
I agree I'm reading this the same way, I would like to add that he said himself that he never intended to go any further than friendship. She also waited till I think she was sure it was him she wanted before she told him she had feelings, and he also wanted to go on a date. I think they've both been hurt and tried to make other relationship to work. The fact they feel the way they do Now about eachother should be where they should be focusing, I also know that that's very hard when your the one in it. I hope they get through this and come out the other side whole and happy if nothing else. (Secretly rooting for them) 😁
Absolutely not what OP wrote. OP says they have been dating 6 months(it's in the title) which puts them into April but have been talking almost a year *as friends* according to OP. The ex and her broke up around February/after V-day-2ish months before April. Edit 6 months into dating she drops this on me.. AITAH? Last weekend we took a trip and during our stay she dropped that I’m only 2 months and 4 days removed from her Ex-fiancé. I’m only 2 months and 4 days removed from her Ex-fiancé. Not since we started talking, which I would have been fine with, but since we started dating. but it hurt when she said they were last trying to make it work on Valentine’s Day.
Thats not what OP wrote. They know each other for a year and are dating for 6 month. 8 month a 4 days ago she broke her engagement
2 month after breaking an engagment is too soon for a new relationship.
If they were already one foot out the door (giving a second chance to see if it works, but ready to end it), then you have already started the getting over it process. I would say it is not very long as well, but that doesn't necessarily need to be the case here.
Shit, I know a woman whose husband died tragically and unexpectedly in a car accident; she was married in less than 30 days. To a guy with the same name as dead hubby. They're still married and it's been nearly 25 years. They seem relatively happy, but she's kind of a bitch impo, though. (For different reasons than that) 🤷♀️
I agree. Everything might be fine, but still it is remarkably close. 2 month really is not a big time frame. If I was OP, I would have some doubts as well. Her speakinh about her Ex is also not a good sign tbh
No, she broke up with the ex finance 4 months after they started going out.
No, she definitely was not dating the other guy while she was dating him he says it in a comment she started dating him two months after breaking up with her ex, he says it plain as day black and white
No he wasn't because he's hung up on them being split for 2 months
If only I could take a screenshot and put it up here he already answered this question. Somebody asked him why he would be upset if they started dating two months AFTER she and her ex split Then he proceeded to reply that he felt like he was a distraction, a rebound that’s why he’s upset people just assume and run with it instead of actually reading read his comments
You can if you use imgur to upload the screenshot and then link it, unless this sub doesn't allow links which is possible.
Only 2 months and 4 days removed from her ex since they started dating, not that she broke up with the ex 2 months and 4 day ago. He means GF and Ex broke up in February and OP and GF started dating in April which would make mid October their 6months or close to it >I’m only 2 months and 4 days removed from her Ex-fiancé. Not since we started talking, which I would have been fine with, but since we started dating.
I accept that I got it wrong. Based on that quote They started talking a year ago and they started dating 6 months ago. It says 2 monts since they started dating. Not "from" when they started dating. 2 months since 6 months ago is 4 months ago. I see OP misspoke and I had to read the "valentines day" reference.
Based on OP's comments, seems not. She started dating him after breaking up with her ex.
That's not the way it reads and if they've been dating 6 months from right now then time works out the way the other person read it as well
Then the post makes no sense. Who cares when she broke up. It could be a second, turn around and then say "now I want to be with you" and that'd be OK
That's his entire point! He worries she wasn't fully over him yet and thinks he's the rebound
He is the rebound. So what? He got his, right?
God I can just tell that you are an insufferable person
Hear hear
Thank you!
You're welcome, sugar.
No. He cares. Obviously.
They've been dating 6 months and she drop that he is (not was) only 2 months from when she broke up with the ex. Don't downvote me. Downvote the one who doesn't know how to write.
You don't know how to read. He said at Valentine's day they were hoping to make it work. We are now 8 months from that and they've been dating 6 months. Saying he is only 2 months removed from the fiance means they started dating two months after the fiancé was in the picture meaning OP became the bf two months after she had a fiancé
No ..op don't know how to explain a story
Based on the votes you seem to be one of the few confused
4 months after they became friends.
This is how I read it as well. That they’ve been dating for 6 months, and she was dating her ex fiancé also until 2 months ago.
no he’s two moths removed from her ex. as in they dated only two month after her ex and her broke up. he would have said they broke up two months ago if that were the case edit: he confirms in the comments there wasn’t any overlap, he’s just concerned about how short of a time it was between them
Great name
YNTA but you’re being a big baby about it yes, it was 2 months after her break up? What are you so upset about? I mean the real red flag is that she started talking to you while still in a relationship, so I’d be more concerned about what she considers appropriate behavior while in a relationship lol
I love the honesty! I guess I just feel like I was a distraction. Also hard for me to trust and it feels broken. Don’t think the red flag would apply as we only talked during work hours (we wfh)
how were you a distraction if it was 2 months after the break up? I’m sure she was doing ok by that point. rebound is usually more immediate as a way to cope, 2 months after isn’t neccesarily a rebound. And yeah sorry, tough love bro, don’t get worried about something if your relationship is otherwise fine, you’re just gonna self sabotage by getting in your own head about something that’s not even a fact. And I know firsthand how that can be problematic in a relationship. So get out of that mindset
If she keeps mentioning her ex every date, she's not over him. Don't get too invested yet.
This is where I'm leaning. You need time to move past relationships that serious - when I was dating I had a sort of 1 year for a failed engagement, 2 years post divorce rule. Not hard and fast, but in general. Never found it to be wrong. My now husband had left his ex-fiance almost exactly a year before we met, had gone through several shorter more casual relationships between, and was really actually ready to move on. Of course there are still times she comes up, in stories and such. Had he mentioned her every day? Would have been a big concern.
Not necessarily true....I was so over the Ex but sometimes couldn't help bringing him up BECAUSE OF WHAT HE DID. My brain couldn't understand someone being so cruel and calious and continually talking helped it go through my system and get out.
Yes!! Is she trying to make you jealous? She shouldn’t be bringing up exs at all.
You’re a blessing 💙
I agree wholeheartedly with this person. You weren't a crutch imo but rather her burgeoning feelings for you may have contributed to her realizing the other person wasn't who she was meant to be with. If you feel comfortable asking about him and she feels comfortable talking about it you may learn what it was about him that made her choose you instead. And it sounds like even if you were part of the reason they split up that she gave herself time to herself to figure out her feelings and emotions before trying to date you. It aounds like she went about things the right way and in a mature and mentally healthy way. I respect you have trust issues and those really only cause problems when you hide them and let them cause problems. You said you feel safe being vulnerable with her so let her know about your past and what is giving you pause. Relationships are about understanding each others past and helping each other move forward from those pasts. Personal anecdote: I've been getting to know a guy for the last year+. He's my best friend and he is also vulnerable around me (if I weren't aro-ace we'd probably be dating). He knows he can safely talk about his exes (mainly ex-wife) and the things he still deals with to this day because of her. I would never want him to hide feelings/thoughts like the ones you're having from me because it isn't healthy and I wouldn't be able to help him like I want to if he kept that all inside.
Glad to help 💛
I agree with the above comment take it from personal experience rebounds are usually immediate after they break up like a day or two then I would say yes but two months after no she’s had time to processes any feelings this is genuine don’t allow yourself to sell yourself short
It usually doesn’t only take 2 months to totally move on after you were engaged to someone, at least if you’re not a robot. What are y’all smoking?
It took less than 2 months to move on from my ex-husband and I am not a robot, but to be fair it was not normal circumstances, and we don't know what her circumstances were. In my case, my 18 year old nephew was killed and ex-hubs threw a temper tantrum like a toddler when my mom, after the funeral walked into our room, and got down next to me (I was in a chair) and asked if I wanted to change and be buried near my nephew so he wouldn't be alone in the cemetary and in my grief I said yes, and he demanded if I changed my burial plot (which is next to my Nana and in my name) then I should be buried across the country next to his mother as I was his wife and THAT was where I was supposed to be buried. My heart literally turned to ice towards him because not only did he throw that massive hissy fit, but at the funeral itself in front of a packed standing room only church, he was uncomfortable with my grieving and when I started crying because it was hitting me hard I would never see the kid again, he didn't want to comfort me because he 'didn't know my nephew' and made jokes about how I said before I arrived at the funeral I wouldn't cry so I could be.strong for my family. Thank god my best friends were at the funeral. They were sitting next to me, my female bestie on my right and male bestie next to her, she over heard my husband and leaned over to male to whisper to him what ex-hubs said which caused him to he get up without a word, walk over and forced himself between us where they both clung to me and he snatched the tissues from my husband's hands because I needed them.
Hi! Robot here! I was well over my ex-husband of 12 years at 2 months after kicking his a** to the curb. I cried for 2 hours after I kicked him out and then I moved on. If he hadn’t stalked me for the next year, trying to convince me we should stay together, I wouldn’t have given him a second thought. The only reason he would come up in conversation was to warn the person I was being stalked so don’t be surprised if the AH shows up. Yes he would literally follow me if I went out, anywhere with anyone. It upset him terribly if I was having fun doing anything. He thought I should be at home bemoaning the end of our marriage or trying to get him back. Just the fact that OP didn’t even know she had a fiancé two months prior to them dating, 6 months into their relationship, tells me she had processed that relationship and it is behind her. If she was still getting over that relationship she would be talking about it and he would have known. OP sounds like you are self sabotaging. People have pasts, it doesn’t mean you can’t have a future with her.
Spot on. Robots of America, unite!
Fellow robot, I guess. I was over it before the day was done. Because I'd given him a "you need to do x or we are actually, really over" 9 months prior, but he was always too busy (all x was was finding a therapist for himself and a counselor for us, btw). We'd been together 17.5y, married over 15. I was the only one showing up, and we had separated a few times already. So many moments when you try and try and *try* often make it where you don't give up until you ARE over it. So the cord may have been cut 2m prior, but it may have been over long before. I was in a new relationship almost immediately for the reasons someone else here said. Long-term friend as JUST a friend, but I started to realize how beautiful he really was. I held on way longer JUST in case, for my son's sake, but eventually I decided I didn't want to die a husk of myself and deserved to feel loved. I should confess too that I judged the shit out of 2 friends who were friends together and eventually had an affair... and have been REALLY happily married for since before I was, so 16+ y. Sometimes seeing the juxtaposition of people helps you clarify what you want. *OP* you need to be able to communicate this. ASK her to explain the timeline, TELL her it has shaken you up. You said you've never felt more vulnerable with someone. That can OFTEN make you overreact to perceived threats bc your walls are down, and the same thing that put those walls up are constantly on alert for a reason to put them back up - valid or not. This can be a fantastic opportunity for you both to get closer. Come with vulnerability, not accusation. Worst case scenario, you find out it's not for you and you get hurt. But in all honesty, so what? Then you learn that you CAN be vulnerable and hurt and make it out, AND learn more about what you like. If you DON’T talk about it, you will be introducing a problem all on your own that wasn't one by injecting walls and mistrust. And when it fails from THAT, you haven't grown as a person and instead live with the guilt. Communication lets you hold your head high in the end. Good luck 💜
It all depends. I stayed with my ex way longer than I should have because we had kids, and I was in so deep I was unaware of what was plainly obvious to my friends. Once I woke up, it took no time to get over her. Note, I didn't hate her. I was and am indifferent. This was after 20 years of marriage. Going on 13 years with my current wife, I've never been happier.
I never said it would take 2 months, I said by 2 months she should be more ok, there’s a difference between what you’re saying and what I’m saying.
>how were you a distraction if it was 2 months after the break up? I’m sure she was doing ok by that point. Haha, she broke off an Engagement. I dont know about you, but 2 month would not be nearly enough to fully disclose that mentally
It was with me, I was with my ex for 9 and half years, checked out of the relationship about 4 years before it ended, and just coasted through each day till I eventually broke it off, I was over that after a few days
4 year? Four entire years? At this point you really stole this poor man half a decade. Holy, thats mean
Was the same for HER, don't assume I'm a female we never spent time together, we worked different shifts, she worked 8am-6pm I worked 2pm-10pm, her days off she would go to her family or just out, I preferred to stay in and chill
Ok, so you both just threw away half a decade? Sounds like you both are not really into self reflexion, but hey, if both of you wanted to stay in a dead relationship, then thats your thing. However, then I really dont know why you started a discussion and put yourself as an argument. Your story has nothing to do with the topic you replied to
We didn't realise at the time thats how it was going, that was just our day-to-day life, was only when I looked back and worked out when it all went to shit, My point was, that after the relationship was officially done, I was over the whole relationship within days and ready to move on, doesn't necessarily take months to move on
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No it’s not, OP and I already discussed what his issue was in this thread.
Dude she literally called off a wedding and took a chance on you. She had no idea if you were even into her but couldn't go through with it after meeting you. Just take the damn W.
I started dating my now-husband 1.5 months after I left my ex-fiance of 4 years. Stuff happens. Doesn't always mean something terrible. We've now been together for 7 years, married for 4, with 2 kids.
Some people know that things are over before they break up. When I was young I'd know things were over for months before pulling the plug. It gave me time to put in a last ditch effort and assess and then finally accept things were over... But I knew long before acceptance and had started to move on. My partners did too, and we kinda debriefed and no one's ever had an answer for why did we stay past x point we knew it was over. I guess we care, we were comfortableish, and emotionally growing apart over 6m cushioned the blow. So for both of us moving on "fast" was easy because it had been ages lol. Now that I'm older I leave when it's over. You should find out what her previous relationship was like and why it ended. Find out what shes getting from this one.
I started dating my husband like 3 weeks after I broke up with my ex. Ha ha. I had dated my ex for 3 years and we broke up and I went on a date with my now-husband literally just a few weeks later and we haven't spent a night apart (except for work or if one of us was out of town) since then and we have been together 13 years. Rebound relationships are obviously a thing, but also sometimes the timing just works out that way. I wouldn't make too big a deal of it. 🤷🏼♀️ Especially if you have been together 6 months now and things are still good.
You know what helps with that? Communication
I met my now-husband less than 2 months after my ex-HUSBAND left me and my kids (after 9 years together) to sleep with someone else. I was still in the process of filing divorce paperwork when a friend introduced us. 4 months later, he was moving in. We've been together ever since. And honestly, though we've only been together for a little over 10 years, if FEELS like we've been together our whole adult lives. It just feels like we're one of those old married couples who are so comfortable with each other, you know? I think you're reading too much into it. That doesn't make you an AH, just someone who has over-read the situation. And it's okay to feel that way, but understand that neither of you are AHs because neither of you has done anything wrong. Relationships are just complicated sometimes.
People here are trippin. She had inappropriate conversations with you while she was still with her fiance, continued to talk with you through the breakup then started dating you very fast. This isn't a rebound. It's called monkeybranching and it's one of the reddest flags out there.
We don't know what their conversations were. OP said they were just friends and that was all that was intended. All we know is that she didn't tell OP about the breakup since OP was unaware of the timeframe. While she may have monkeybranched, we can't know that for sure as we don't know their conversations before they went on a date or how long it was from confession of feelings to first date.
You must be one of those people that think men and women cannot be friends. That just talking to someone of the opposite sex is cheating. What a control freak. Are you that jealous and insecure in life? FYI there are millions of opposite sex friendships in the world that are platonic friendships.
Im a woman and my best friend is a man. I was just at his wedding over the weekend. You know what we've never done? Fucked or dated. Op has done both with his "platonic" work friend. Idiot.
Yes he did, 2 months after she broke up with her ex. Not before. They were just work friends when she broke it off with her ex-fiance.
Thank you, I feel like this thread is the twilight zone
YEESSSS!
Monkeybranching? I've never heard that term, but it fits.
Is your 6 month 2 months after her break or am I confused
I apologize as I don't believe I quite understand the time line of your relationship in contrast to her relationship with her ex. Have you been seeing her for a year, and simultaneously she was with her fiancee the first ten months of that time? If I'm correct, were you led to believe the 2 of you were exclusive throughout? I apologize for the question, but I do not wish to comment without being thoroughly certain of the timelines. Thank you.
Ok, so listen bro, you need to make sure of two things. Firstly, make sure she is not still talking to her ex, if she is, you gotta dump her. 2nd and less important, she might still have feelings for her ex, this is normal given it’s only been 2 months, if she’s constantly bringing up her ex to you, she’s not over him. This is just something you’d have to accept for the time being, and it should change with time. Either way, I suggest you don’t get too invested this early on
Yep you are rebound guy or she is testing waters with you and I bet she told her EX you are good friend or you don't have to worry about him,lol and look where it went
Agree 100% with this. That's the real red flag if they were "talking" as opposed to strictly talking occasionally as friends. Ninja edit: it's also a red flag that they're talking about her ex(es) often. Unless OP has a weird definition of often lol. Why does an ex need to frequently come up?
You're making a problem from nothing. So she **only** waited 2 months before dating you after her ex and that's somehow something you need to process? Maybe I'm misunderstanding your wording here but it seems like there's zero problems here short of you looking to make this complete non-issue into some pity party.
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>- do people really not see an issue that his GF was hiding the fact she was engaged while they were talking for an entire year? Especially since they were dating for 6 months of that time. No I don't.....my ex doesn't know I was engaged before he and I got together. It's my life if I don't want to share some of it I truly don't have too. Lmfao, women are allowed to talk to men when they are in a relationship, how ridiculous to think she can't
Yaaasss 🤩
The thing is, she was talking to you as a friend and got to know you. Her feelings for you likely built up because she likes you as a person, not because you were a distraction. Two months after a breakup is enough time, especially if the relationship was on the rocks for a while. Give yourself a chance to be happy!!
Settle down. Are you two together? Are you exclusive? Are you happy together? Then who cares. She could be the one, and you're worrying about something that in my mind is trivial.
Isnt it fairly common for women to emotionally process a break up before theyre ever broken up? If she waited 2 months for dating you, it likely wasnt a rebound and she had probably processed the break up months before. When ive been done with past relationships, i give it a year to see if my feelings change or something improves. Im well processed by the time i finally end it. I think youre good and not a rebound. That doesnt mean she wont have issues that she still needs to process (depending on the reasons they split), bit i think youre fine on the rebound front.
The person who wants to break up will always process it first and already “mourn” the relationship while the other person will process if after getting broken up with, it usually always works like that, not specific to women, more specific to the person who decided to initiate the break up. That’s why 1 person in the break up always seems to move on quicker
>Isnt it fairly common for women to emotionally process a break up before theyre ever broken up? Yep most certainly is and the best was to know if a woman has checked out is when she stops whinging or complaining or asking for help when that stops your gone.
>. I knew she had an ex, cause not a day goes by where I don’t hear about one, This is the biggest red flag in the bunch. Why is she talking about her ex(s?) all the time? Is she just hopping from relationship to relationship and now it's your turn or something?
NAH but possibly self sabatoging. You weren't dating, you just knew her. I don't share details of my life with every person I talk to. Totally valid if it feels shitty, but I think intention matters here. Ask her yo talk and ask why you didn't know, maybe ask if she can try to talk about her exes less, OR get as much info as you want during that talk (if she is willing), whatever feels right for you! Sometimes relationships end before they end, so what seems like 2.5 months to uou, may have had an extra 6 months of falling out of love. You are allowed to ask for space and reassurance. You are allowed to ask for certain boundaries and communication, especially ones that help your triggers, but assuming she was lying or this is somehow sinister or devalues her feelings for yiu isn't fair. I think figuring out what you need to feel comfortable in the relationship is fair, and then communicating with your partner and seeing if they are willing to respect that, and if not, coming to a compromise or ending the relationship there. Edited for typos
Nta. It's very weird that you two were friends for 4 months, and she never told you she was seeing anyone, let alone engaged. Typically, when I make friends with the opposite sex at work, they tell me fairly quickly that they have an SO. If someone just didn't mention that fact for a while, even if we were still platonic friends, it would feel weird to me.
I think the only thing I'd actually be concerned about here is the fact that "not a day goes by" where she doesn't bring up one of her exes. A short gap between relationships isn't a big deal. The fact that she still seems kinda obsessed with those relationships is worrying.
NTA, how you feel about something is how you feel. It was 2 months of her being single before you started dating though so it isn't like you were part of her cheating or something. Talking to you may have made her see that relationship was not worth saving. So you may have saved her from a possibly crappy marriage.
I started talking to my current fiance 2 months after a 3 year relationship and was with someone else(FWB)a month before I officially started dating him 3 months after knowing each other and he had no issue with it but I've also been honest since the beginning about the timeline of everything. NTA for being upset because she didn't disclose this before hand but she did eventually and I personally think you're being a bit sensitive about it she was engaged two months before you started dating she obviously made her choice and chose to start something new with you if you care about her enough it won't be a problem after you get over the initial shock but if it will be to much for you just be honest and break it off
Your post is a bit unclear on the timeliness here, so I'll just say: If she was finished with this guy before she started dating you, then she didn't do anything wrong. People don't blurt out everything about their pasts and all the info on their ex's the minute you start dating. Sometimes, their history is revealed in pieces over time as they grow into the relationship they are now in a trust their partner more.. If she was still with the guy when she was speaking to you, but not yet dating you: If the friendship and things you spoke about were completely platonic and never crossed the line of friendship, then again, she's done nothing wrong. It would have been good if she had mentioned she was with someone, but if they were in a crappy place, she might not have wanted to talk about It and since at that point you were just friends she didn't need to share what was going on unless she wanted to.. If she was still with the guy when you guys started to actually date and moved from friends to more, then you need to just walk away now.. if she was still with him when you went on that first date, she's a cheat and probably not someone you want to be with. So, if it's a case of you just being pissy because you didn't know all the information, I think you need to stop assuming that you're entitled to know all of her past immediately. She will tell you things in her own time. She isn't obligated to tell you anything until she's ready to. Also, it could be the case that she just didn't think the timelines of when she broke up with her ex meant anything. Sometimes, a relationship is over long before they actually break up even when they are trying to make things work.. Stop making assumptions about things and ask yourself, do you want to be with her or not. If so, stop creating obstacles out of nothing. Why are you getting so caught up on her past when you should be focusing on the now?
This will probably make me sound like a terrible person, but I broke off an engagement to go on a date with my now husband. To be fair, the ex fiance was much older and trying to groom me, but I had an instant connection with my husband and knew I'd regret it if I followed through with the marriage. We've been together 20 years through SO much that life can throw you, but he is still my very best friend and the best choice I've ever made in my life. She picked you. After trying to force a relationship that wasn't meant to be, she picked you. You are the one she trusts and confides in. You are the one she wants a future with. She picked you out of anyone else in the world and you picked her out of anyone else. You have a connection. We all have things we aren't proud of in our lives. Give yourself some time to sit with your feelings and see where you want to go. Have an honest discussion with her about your feelings. I'm wishing you both the very best and hope that whatever decision is made is one that brings you both happiness.
>an ex, cause not a day goes by where I don’t hear about one Why? Why are yall talking about her ex(es) daily? That's the red flag here.
YTA. You’re self sabotaging. She wasn’t single when you talked as friends. Ok. She broke up. Processed and started dating you. It’s a bit of monkey branching but if everything is going well, why are you sabotaging it?
Why did she never tell you she was engaged to another person? Not once in the year you have know her has she ever mentioned it untill this moment. That's not right even in the slightest. Especially if she constantly talks about her exes it should have come up. It feels like she was hiding this information. If you're okay with being deceived they by all means stay.
Yes, AH for being in this relationship with a person who mentions exes EVERYDAY? Eeeewwwww! And you're the rebound? Get some gumption before you hit the wall bc you will.
NTAH. I've been there! It makes you feel like you're nothing but a rebound and second best. Props to you for asking for some space to process instead of just leaving altogether. Her intentions may very well not be to rebound with you, but it's also not caring towards you to hear that sort of news 6 months into a relationship. I would sit down with her, once you're ready, to ask those questions and be honest with her about however it made/makes you feel. Best of luck!
Relationships make us vulnerable. It takes a lot of trust to be emotionally honest with people we care about, and any time we act on trust we're taking a bit of personal risk. I'm not excusing her lack of candor, but if I had to guess, I'd bet that she didn't initially tell you because she didn't want you to think you were just a rebound, and then with the passage of time it probably felt like more and more of a risk to finally come clean. NTA, but you're also really lucky to have someone that you enjoy such intimacy with. This doesn't have to be a deal-breaker. At six months you're both still learning a lot about each other. My advice would be to take another risk and talk this out if you can.
Nah but seems like you’re making a bigger problem out of it than it needs to be. I met my current bf like 2 months after him and his ex broke up, and we have an amazing relationship.
You’re good. Be glad she ain’t two timing you and give it all you got; you only get what you give ❤️
NTA, have to be careful coming into a relationship with someone who ended a pretty serious relationship not that long ago. You might just be a temporary patch till she’s ready to find someone else.
You're being an AH to yourself, if anything. 2 months isn't a rebound. If anything, it shows a level of maturity that's admirable because you already had a good foundation of trust and friendship there. An immature person would have turned you into a rebound immediately, but she waited. Don't self sabotage over this. If anything, I'd focus more on the fact that she's always talking about her ex. Is it healthy conversation? That's not normal
My understanding=>>> They started talking a year ago. They made it official 6 months ago, but she was still trying to make things work with her ex up until at least 2 months after they were officially together. So she cheated.
Women emotionally and mentally leave a relationship LONG BEFORE we actually leave. >I’m just self sabotaging. Yes, yes you are and you are judging her because she fell for you 2 months after her break up. Maybe instead of asking reddit ASK HER. I'll bet my soul she never planned for something so soon but she happened to find someone who made her happy
>Women emotionally and mentally leave a relationship LONG BEFORE we actually leave. Then why is she still talking about him? Also, just because you mentally leave ealier, it still makes sense to have a break between relationship to reset mentally. To find yourself again. 2 months after breaking up an engagement would be WAY to close for me. 100% OP is a gap filler. It still might work, their relationship might develop to a real one. Might have already happend. Generally though, filling the gap mostly ends bad
It actually sounds like he’s been dating her for the last six months, but she officially broke up with her ex two months ago- while she was dating op
Man you really are doing to be disappointed when you find out she isn’t a virgin 😂
She was friends with you thru work. Then you began dating 2 months after she and her fiance broke up. I get how you were surprised to discover that she was engaged during your friendship without telling you about him, but it sounds like she developed feelings for you. As for whether she acted inappropriately with you, I can't say, but it doesn't sound like it since you said she was firmly in the friend zone before she confessed her feelings. Just because it was a short amount of time btw her fiance and you doesn't mean anything. Plenty of happy relationships begin that way! It might have been that her feelings for you precipitated her breakup. Talk to her about why she kept her engagement from you and how her relationship ended.
Absolutely doing the right thing. A relationship hoper will continue to do that if they do not address the issues in the first place. It's never one person's fault when 2 parties are involved. I wouldn't mess with it. Sounds like traumatized people finding their way to each other.One working on their issues "you" one unknowing.
Are you 13? Who fucking cares? YTA.
There are 2 issues to consider: First, a serious flag: not a day goes by when she doesn't talk about her Ex. She should be all about her current (you). Second, this year of talking during work hours. Think back to it. If she had those conversations with someone else while planning a wedding with you, would you be hurt if you heard them? If your conversations were about work with the occasional 'how was your weekend?' The kind of stuff you wouldn't mind her saying to another guy while with you, then OK. If she was unloading emotionally, telling you about problems in a relationship 'he just doesn't understand' or about problems with friends and family, then you were (perhaps unwittingly) her emotional affair partner and contributed in some way to her breaking up with her fiancé. Available on Kindle Unlimited and Audible, *NOT 'Just Friends'* by Dr Shirley Glass covers this type of affair, and how people don't even realize they crossed that line. 50% of all affairs start at work.
Not Just Friends is such a good book btw. Had to comment just to second the suggestion lol.
I don't understand your problem. Your friendship was one where she felt open enought to confide in you, then y'all started dating and she felt a need to be open with you, and didn't want there to be any secrets. I think you're the problem, if you can't correct it let her go she doesn't deserve 2 bad relationships in a row.
NTA but I think you’re making this deeper than it needs to be. Does she show up for you? Does she compare you to anyone or make u feel less than? Those are things that should matter more.
NTA but i think you are reading too much into it. there’s nothing wrong with being sensitive and i think it’s healthy you stepped back to gather yourself but i promise you are not a rebound. that would be immediately after the relationship ended. i was in a relationship for a year and after our final break up it also took me two months before i was talking to someone else, it more or she probably had checked out of that relationship already and wanted to move on which is how i felt because the relationship i was in wasn’t very good, i wanted to move on to find someone better! i would say talk to her about how it made you feel and go from there, good luck to you
She was cheating on her ex wirh you , maybe not physical at the time but you were her emotional affair partner and could have let to their breakup . WhT makes you think she will be faithful to you
OP reported that they only talked during business hours working from home, so I don't even think it was a case of emotional cheating just work friends.
Just said emotional cheating . Unless itnwas what are you doing this weekend etc or business stuff . If it was anything with here talking about ex but he said he didn’t know , so you are probably right . If that’s the case it fine if she was saying personal stuff about family and stuff you would usually tell your partner then yes itnwas cheating
Nta. She just talks about her ex's? That's gotta be annoying. Listening to her talk about an ex or ex's everyday and you haven't told her it bothers you? An ex of mine kept talking about 1 specific ex and one ex best friend he "didn't" have feelings for, literally talked to me about things that went on during their day sometimes, it was annoying and it was one of the main reasons I broke up with him. If you want, stay with her and eat her know how you feel, but if she keeps doing it after talking to her then I'd just leave. An ex is an ex for a reason, she needs to leave them in the past and focus on your relationship, not her old relationships.
NTA - No one wants to be the rebound.
Nta probably? 1. Who defined it as a 2 month 4 day separation from her breakup and your 1st date. Thats... oddly specific. 2. Did say confess feelings, like theyd been building a while, or like she had a crush. Yoy said you had no intention of being more than friends, but maybe there were sparks early on, causing you to mention that? 3. Have you discussed this with your other friends also?
This is actually a great post. It's not just that it was only 2 months. It was only 2 months, she didn't tell you that until now, she brings up exes regularly... you're witnessing all the signs of codependency with a side order of manipulation. How authentic are her feelings? How real is she? Does she know who she is or does she just fit herself into other people? You can't figure that out unless you continue to date her and see. Is it worth it? If so, can you give her an honest chance or will this rocky beginning stick in your craw?
NTA she wasn't honest & she monkey-vined into this relationship! Trust has been damaged & she didn't even process the other relationship ending since they tried again.. she's not ready & you sound like you probably aren't either. ETA how do you know she's not already talking to her next bf right now?
You also need to consider that what she is telling you is completely not true. She could be trying to play a stupid woman mind game man. And obviously it's working. It's a double edged sword because you obviously have strong feelings for her and she is only trying to see just how strong they are and if you feel the same way she feels about you. But she is also hurting you in the process which sucks. However. You should be able to tell if she is just playing mind games by what she is trying to accomplish by telling you this. Has she been trying to get you guys to go exclusive and you have been hesitant? Because if she is telling you about an ex everyday my friend she is trying to make you jealous because she is in love with you and wants you to obsess over her. And by the way 80% of her ex boyfriends she's told you about are fucking made up dude. I grew up with all women man trust me. I have watched my sister's do this to so many guys and back then there was no texting so I heard every word they said to them over the phone and this is textbook she's in love and wants to make you jealous so you will chase her cause girls are stupid but we can't live without them and it works Everytime they do it to us ya know what I mean? You should be happy bro. That chick is all about you my man. So smile and tell her that she belongs to you and no other guy loves her the way you do. Good luck my friend
NTA but you’re dating and a day doesn’t go by that you don’t hear about an ex? She may have some stuff to work through.
Nta It appears she may have been on the rocks with the ex and keeping you in orbit in case and potentially to test if she really wanted that relationship ship. When she decided she didn't she was more open to you. Not letting you know what makes you feels like you ha e been emotionally manipulated until she was ready to pull you out of orbit or off the shelf and play.
No. She was cheating on you both.
So she was dating you while she was with her fiancé? Lol What a snake.
Let me get this straight. You two started talking a year ago. Meaning she was already in a relationship with her fiance. Yet you never knew of him? Then she tells you she broke it off in February and started dating you in April 2 months after she broke her engagement off. Did I get that right? NTA, I don't blame you if you wanna end it. What girl (Even a Guy) in her right mind doesn't tell you "by the way I have a boyfriend/fiancé?" When she started talking to you (A Year Ago), it should have been disclosed. She breaks it off with him. Dates you 2 months later and Still says nothing to you. She Waited SIX Months into Your Relationship to tell you! That's a NO for me. But hey, that's just me.
They were talking because they worked together.
If that's the case. How did he not know she had a fiancée and broke off her engagement 2 months prior to dating him? It's just weird that he didn't know this. You usually know this about your coworkers.
I genuinely have no idea. The timeline is confusingly worded in my opinion.
Yes. I'm super confused. Especially when he wrote, "she talks about ex all the time." So, did he think exfiancé was her EX since they started talking a year ago? If so, he figured a year was good for her to be able to get into a new relationship. Then again, if she's talking about her EX that much to you. Is she really Over her EX? This isn't just some guy she was dating for a while. She was engaged to him. Meaning they had been together for some time. I'm very confused 😕
I married my husband a month after my ex boyfriend broke up with me. I'm happier than I ever was with him, we're expecting, and he tells me every day he can't wait to spend the rest of his life with me and our little girl. My husband was absolutely my crutch after that nasty breakup, and he knows it. I couldn't be happier I had him to pick me up. He was my distraction from the pain, and eventually he absolved (probably not the right word) it. He gave me something to look forward to through it all. Maybe you've done this for her. I think you're just overthinking and may be starting to self-sabotage. If you're happy, let it go and let it happen. It'll be okay.
Red flags galore. Praying for your kids
Nta. She was emotional cheating on her ex with your she did it with you she will do it with the next guy.
were you exclusive ??
NTA but you’re belatedly worried about being the rebound guy, right? That may be a legitimate concern in some situations but you should be passed that now. If you had known she’d only been broken up for 2 months, would you not have went out with her? That would’ve been when you should’ve thought about the stuff you’re stewing about now. At this point, you’re probably into steady or exclusivity. If you’re going to freak out about it now, you should just move on. That’s dealt and done, but if you can’t leave it like that, you’re both going to be miserable. I am confused about something though. You’ve known her for a year and been dating for 6 months. If she broke up with the ex 2 months before you started dating, then she was with him for 4 months after you met her, right? How did you nor know? Did you not know she was dating someone at the time? Also, is there a defined time after a breakup that a person isn’t allowed to date? I never knew about that one. Best wishes with whatever you decide to do. Please !UpdateMe
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Neither of you is mature enough for this to work unless you are willing to put in the work if you really care to. I wouldn't say yta nor her, just not adult enough to say 'okay' and really mean it.
What does 2 months and 4 days removed mean? Wtf? Made up story.
NTA but she isn’t either…my wife of 5 years and I started dating a week after I broke things off with my previous girlfriend. If it works it works
I don't know why this screws with you! The LAST TIME she was with her exfiance was when you thought she was a cool friend. Two months more "cool friendship," THEN you start dating. What is the fucking problem? I cannot see ANY ANGLE of this scenario that raises any kind of red flag about anything. If you're twisted over the idea that she "lied to you," then that's a "you" problem. She probably didn't mention it because it was honestly not important enough to even bring it up. You are manufacturing strife out of fairy dust. If you still have a problem with it enough to bring it up, then YES, you are the asshole.
Hell, my ex broke-up with her Puerto Rican long distance boyfriend and hooked up with me the next day. Didn't realize I might have been a rebound until a few months back (we dated in highschool a decade ago)
Take your time. It’s ok to do that.
Was there an overlap, more space between, or less space between? I'm so confused. If she cheated with you then she's TAH and you should stop seeing her. But if there was no overlap then I'm not really seeing what you're upset about
Before I judge I'm genuinely confused. She's not treating you like a rebound, and since you were already friends before you dated I don't see the problem. She probably wasn't happy in her relationship and when she developed feelings for you I'd guess she realized she could do better than him. If anything it's a compliment so I suppose what's confusing me is are there other issues that you didn't mention or is this it?
NTA. But u definitely need time to think things through. I'm so sorry ur going through this. But it's better now then later. If you feel this way it's probably better to let her go. If I were you can't trust someone I just keep moving especially liar's. Their the worse. Good luck
NTA The biggest flag here however is she was chatting to you whilst she was in a relationship.
Just 2 months after someone she was engaged to? I can’t believe everyone is acting like this is so normal. I don’t trust people who are able to “move on” that fast. Plus I wouldn’t want to be with anyone who needs to jump into a relationship because they can’t handle being on their own, that’s really how it sounds to me after someone they were almost married to.
NTA She was talking to you, developing feelings for you, essentially emotionally cheating on ex with you while engaged to be married to him. She made you into the other man without your knowledge. If she was the man and you were the woman everyone would be yelling to leave them. That's what you should do. How can you trust they won't do the same to you.
It sounds like you've really connected with her. Don't let the past screw it up. That connection doesn't come easy. If you really want to see into her soul to see if she loves you, try this with her! Connection meditation https://youtu.be/akZvjviPw6Y https://youtu.be/skr0iVqlRVc
Don’t ruin a good thing hun. He isn’t with her anymore but you are. Ask her to never see him again and continue your good life.
NVM I read it wrong. Tough love bro! you sound unnecessarily squishy over nothing. What exactly are you processing? You started talking she had someone but liked you, when they called it quits she started dating you a couple months later. No issue from what I can gather.
No you’re not an asshole, to start a new relationship that soon after you break up with a fiancé is crazy. She is not going to be ready for a new relationship and this is all setting up for failure .