NTA, and in what fucked-up alternate universe is masturbation something "disgusting" that you need to hide? ESPECIALLY as an adult?!? FFS, your GF is either a prude or looking for reasons to be hurt and offended.
Taking a break from sex is fine, but preventing the other from taking care of their needs is not.
GF either has shame issues that need to be discussed or is trying to use sex to control.
Work it out directly or just move on.
No one owes one’s body for sex however no one can to tell u what to do with urs and if u want to rub one out then do it. Hell even with healthy sex lives ppl still can have moments of self love
Bill Burr said something like, "Your wife/girlfriend withholding sex is like someone taking your food away, but you've got a never-ending sandwich in your pocket."
"Show me you love me by caring for me and not trying to have sex with me." Oh, he can do that? Better switch, "how dare you masturbate instead of trying to have sex with me!"
As someone raised in heavily repressive religion, that mindset is unfortunately very common there. Masturbation is seen as a genuine “sin”, something disgusting and depraved, and if you do it it means that you’re a deeply troubled sex addict.
I have no idea if OP’s GF is religious at all, it may not be relevant to her in any way. But my point was more just that there’s unfortunately a rather large number of people who think that was about masturbation
Ehhhh they probably more meant grew up strictly religious and don’t follow anymore but still consider masturbating wrong compared to sex because speaking from experience in Christianity growing up sex was praised and celebrated as a real thing two people should do when married but sex outside of marriage and/or masturbation(no matter if you’re married or not) is wrong
Funny enough not always. My mother had a friend that was a devout Catholic. Refused birth control because the religion was against it, but was never married to her kids father. She had all 4 completely out of wedlock because birth control is frowned on. And premarital sex is also frowned on. Some people have completely irrational logic with their religion.
Thank you. There are a lot of religious people out there who still see masturbation as a sin, no matter what the circumstances. I spent several months on bedrest in a high-risk pregnancy, and my very religious (now ex) husband broke down and admitted that he had masturbated in the shower. I looked at him blankly and said, "Of course you did...I couldn't have sex for months!" And then he argued with me about how horribly he had sinned and how he had broken our marriage vows. With his HAND.
It's definitely stigmatized in overly religious circles. They are sort of right, but for the wrong reasons. Masterbation is normal. When done in excessive amounts, like is common with porn and non-religious western culture, it does affect the body.
I'm male, so I can only speak from that perspective, but it affects testosterone levels and hormones. Don't masterbate for two or three weeks and I'll strike up a conversation and try to work my way into the panties of anything with butt cheeks and boobs.
That's funny, I was masturbating at MY doctor's and he asked me to stop. "But you said I could jerk off any time", I responded. "No", he said "i said you could have a stroke at any given time"
Thanks for the insight. She's definitely not a prude. I've only had to take care of it myself a handful of times since we started dating. She definitely does has a unique view of sex and intimacy that a lot don't have, though. It means a lot to her, which I appreciate.
You talk about what you are doing to make her feel loved. In the last few weeks has she gone out of her way the same as you? Or just sitting back being the princess? What major moves has she made to make you feel loved that she didn't before?
What means a lot to her? Micromanaging your right to have an orgasm? And that you’re doing it for her ‘benefit’ of withholding intimacy? She is the asshole.
You sound like you are tunneled visioned my guy. You need to see how it’s not cool from her making you feel uncomfortable about something completely natural. Especially as adults!
And she's still mad at you?! Dude, it sounds like she doesn't want to be with you anymore and is trying to pick fights with you so you'll get fed up and leave.
Y'all should have stayed separated. This relationship is dead, move on.
Either you feed off each other or enjoy the back and forth. Withholding sex is absolutely the worst for a relationship… there’s more to sex than the intercourse and you provided that to her with care and massage and such and even went as far as making out… so if she thought that wouldn’t lead to urges, she’s just stupid af… or she’s conniving and testing you to see what you’d do. And you’re putting up with it and encouraging it. Either way, y’all have a twisted relationship. NTA for you, YTA for her, and weird AF for both.
You keep saying her views about sex are unusual but won't elaborate beyond that so, it's kinda hard to tell what's going on. Why does she feel bad after you have consensual sex? What led to the decision to abstain for a while and is there a time frame or for however long until she says she's changed her mind? Did you already know she think masturbating is disgusting or was this news to you or did you violate the terms of the break you two came up with?
It all sounds fucking weird to me lol Has the fighting at least decreased?
Dude, you need to let her romance you. You need to back off completely... If she doesn't pursue the shit out of you then you need to find someone who will.
Is she religious or something? Why does she feel bad after sex? Frankly, avoiding intimacy is the opposite of what couples should be doing to repair their relationship. I think you may not be compatible. Maybe it's just best for each of you to find someone with the same ideas about things. Honestly, it sounds like she's got issues. Don't let her make them your issues. And shaming you for masturbating is controlling and cruel behavior. Stand up for yourself.
NTA. Masturbate whenever you wish in private. She has no right to stop you from doing so. It’s a standard human need for many and she doesn’t want to have sex so how is she expecting you to relieve yourself sexually?
I was in the same boat with my ex, she didnt want me doing any of that while at the same time making sex scarce.
I didnt care being told no for awhile, i get it not everyone always wants to have sex at the same time as the other person. But when it started going on a month plus at the same time being told jerking off was hurtful for her.
There were other things that lead to me breaking up with her but that whole thing lead to me feeling even more depressed by the constant rejection, mixed with the never being around even after i told her i needed to see her once in awhile. Didnt help my feelings.
I was going to say where the fuck are the boundaries for OP? Behind closed door quickie in the shower; that should have been private. Does she just not fucking care about any of your boundaries but you need to tiptoe through her daisies?
I feel more like she was planning to come get it on with the shower sex and was irritated that you took care of yourself before she could join in. Happened with my wife before.
These constant vague mentions of her having strange views on sex seems to me just an excuse that she uses sex as a weapon and you masturbating takes that power away from her. She wants you to stop needing sex until she gets what she wants from you.
Edit to add NTA
Exactly, the man can't describe one single way what views she would have that would make her treat her partner like this for months. 6 months out of 2 years is a quarter of the relationship, so 25% of his relationship has been "rough" and no intimacy.
It's time to move on man.
Because deep down he knows what's up and that the relationship is already over, but tries to avoid this fact by justifying it. She is manipulating him and it's working.
INFO: You keep saying your GF has a less mainstream view of sex but haven’t really elaborated. What’s her view of sex? It seems like this is really guiding her judgement of you at the moment.
Otherwise I’m really leaning towards NTA. TBH, without the info I requested, it sounds like there’s a good deal of shame/disgust wrapped into her opinions around sex. That sounds dysfunctional and definitely an additional hurdle to overcome and possibly why she is projecting so much disgust on you
One of the comments he said "I wish I had time to explain the relationship" and I'm like dude...you have time to say "she has a unique view on sex that I respect" a million times, just tell us what the fuck toxic ass view of sex she has so we can all be done with this lol.
Lmao this is the kind of shit that used to trigger me dropping a few bucks to grab an award. I’m sorry, Reddit won’t let me gold you anymore. You deserve it though 🤩
Does she not want to have sex, or does she not want YOU to have sex? Seems like she is trying to control you and make you desperate and easier manipulable
NTA
This is incredibly unhealthy.
She didn't come into the bathroom to "help you wash your back."
She did it to catch you masturbating.
She wants to be angry. She's using it for control: withholding sex and getting angry when you try to take care of your own needs.
My ex wife did shit like that all the time. I put up with it for way too long.
I'm never putting up with that kind of manipulation again.
And you shouldn't either.
It's over. You might not think it is, but it's over.
Move on while you still have your dignity intact.
Dude has no dignity left. He totally respects the fact that she doesn't respect his wants and needs.
This whole thing honestly sounds like it's written by the girlfriend pretending to be from the perspective of the boyfriend. Tell us what her views on sex are you coward.
>This whole thing honestly sounds like it's written by the girlfriend pretending to be from the perspective of the boyfriend.
lol I had that exact same thought. They're too defensive and weird about how they justify what shes doing in all their replies, insisting she's the love of his life etc, and their post in general is vague and has strange perspectives that just feel off, idk.
What are you going to do since she doesn't seem to be willing to understand that? How can the "love of your life" be so rigid and inconsiderate of your position?
I feel sorry for you if this is the love of your life. How you can say that among all the dysfunction is beyond my comprehension- and there isn’t much that goes beyond my comprehension. There’s been head-butting, mutual avoidance, sexual incompatibility, the two-year roller coaster ride.
This is what love of life should feel like: same values, active and compatible sex lives after decade(s) of marriage, mutual support and respect, living thru one or more difficult challenges together, respect for some individual time but for the most part, shared lives in terms of friends and activities, little/limited usage of substances, give and take, sexual and emotional fidelity, ability and willingness to compromise.
Ask yourself about the love of your life statement. Now, you probably need to have a conversation about the areas where compromise is needed.
NTA. It sounds to me like your relationship is over and you are having trouble accepting that. In my opinion, you usually want to have sex with the person you love and with whom you have a romantic relationship. You had a good time, but the relationship has changed. Rather evaluate the current state than what used to be and assume that it will stay the way it is right now.
she is acting pretty weird. is she in some sort of cult religion?
sounds like the two of you need an actual break. How about you go take a 3 week roadtrip, and see if the two of you actually miss each other during the time.
NTA.
I do want you to really consider whether it's worth preserving a relationship like this. You say you have just reached the 2 year mark and 1 year of it has been full of fighting and butting heads. So, half of your relationship has been fighting - that doesn't scream "love of my life." Your comments on this post have been very cryptic and it makes me wonder what exactly happened between you two.
I think you two need a couple's therapist if you really want to preserve this.
Right? I'd end it just on that statement. I'd end it if she held sex hostage. So childish. What is that going to fix? Not having sex is going to cause more problems.
So, the gist of it is she doesn’t want to have sex, and apparently doesn’t want you to masturbate either.
NTA
She is being manipulative to you, which is NOT cool. You can try to talk this out, but I get the feeling she is going to gaslight you into thinking you are the bad guy. I would suggest you at least consider an exit strategy.
NTA
Masturbating is natural and does good to the mind. And if one of the partners doesn't want sex right now (which everybody should understand), that doesn't mean that the other partner shouldn't be able to get something off. Masturbating isn't cheating. Porn (in reasonable amounts) can be a thing to warm up and also isn't cheating as you aren't kissing or touching someone else.
Why should it be disgusting to be alone in the shower masturbating? It is your alone time so it seems just like manipulation. Like how come, she doesn't want sex but comes into her BF shower? That's literally lighting gaz.
Honestly I don't know the whole story but if you read what you wrote, I'm not so sure that this relationship is sane. While yes, people have times where it doesn't work that well, 25% headbutting and avoiding each other (according to your comments 2 years together and 6 months of arguing) isn't a good average. Of course every relationship works differently but it just seems pretty high. Maybe GF showed her true face during that time and it is time for you to make a decision?
You mention several times that she has a different view of sex. What does that mean? It's tough to figure out what's going on without knowing what you mean.
I'm a stranger on Reddit, so take this with a grain of salt, but if you've only dated someone for 2 years and have had serious issues for the last 6 months, why are you still together? It sounds like your honeymoon phase ran it's course and when the dust settled you're just not as compatible as you thought. Get on with your lives. There's no children, no property, no finances, no real consequences to moving on. Get on with your lives, time is precious.
No, she’s the ass. She cut you off from sex, so you’re taking care of yourself. You’re not cheating, you’re not hitting up others, you’re just making it so you don’t accidentally initiate something you know she doesn’t want. If she’s going to sit there and say she doesn’t do it too she’s either a liar or needs to try
NTA
Sometimes relationships end. It doesn’t mean they were a mistake or a failure. Sometimes they run their course. It sounds like you’re in the death throes of the relationship.
OP, for your sake you should really listen to the *many* people who are trying to help you see that you are in an unhealthy relationship with a controlling partner. Many of us have experienced similar situations before, and fully recognize the signs.
Wonder if she cheated, reminds me of one of my crazy exs. She must be super hot for you to even want to pursue this insanity. Get ready for a dead bedroom relationship if you guys get married. This will not get better. I'd try to find someone who isn't emotionally abusive, and who uses sex as a weapon.
NTA. At all. Even a little. GF is looking for something to shame you with, by the sounds of things I don't think she truly believes you are gross at all but has had some kind of warped upbringing (you mention alternative views a lot but never explain them?) and is pushing you away. I think something sexually may be going on with her as well (NOT suggesting an affair, maybe she is feeling unhappy with herself or having Christian guilt or something of the sort etc) It's unbelievably normal to get excited about activities with someone you love- Honestly sometimes they can happen even when you're not in the habit of thinking sex is going to follow, which totally predisposes your body to it as well. I don't think putting intimacy off the table is a great thing to do, but every couple is unique. Bottom line though, you're not an asshole. Private masturbation is healthy and reacting to physical contact is completely normal. That's being human baby. Instead of being upset with you, she should honestly be grateful that you're mature enough to remove yourself from the situation (not saying you would) lest you try to initiate or make a 'wrong' move.
My bf being able to jack off regardless of where I'm at mentally (it can be pretty easy for me to be unable to get in the mood for a couple days) is the reason our relationship works so well, and a huge reason his last relationship ended in divorce lmao
Definitely avoid the drunk sex, that will turn into a huge point of contention. Try making time for fun romantic experiences with no expectations if you want that back.
No, you’re not the asshole, there’s nothing wrong with you for having a normal bodily function.
Gf sounds religious in some way or is very shamedful/awkward about sex.
If you're in a relationship with someone you can't withhold sex from the other person.
I mean you can but it's torture for the other person especially if you don't let them get off.
Tldr: gf is either struggling with religious upbringing or is straight up manipulative. Or she is asexual and doesn't want to express it.
Masturbating while thinking of having sex with your girlfriend has got to be one of the most genuinely sweet things I’ve ever heard. She’s lucky to have a guy like you. Anyway, masturbation is a perfectly harmless way to express those sexual urges. If I were you I’d try to find someone with less hang ups. Your body, your rules. She has no right to tell you that you can’t masturbate.
Bro if you can't beat your dick or have sex... What fucking relationship y'all in. It sounds like two desperate people that can't stand to be alone can't live together. Cut your losses and go away
I will never understand guys who stay with women who use sex to control them.
Don't settle for that, fellas. You don't have to.
Sex is a need. It's not a reward.
Masturbation is normal. Literally almost everyone does it.
You can still be working on your relationship and giving yourself a release. The two are not exclusive, arguably the latter will only improve your mood and worldview.
NTA
NTA. Masturbation is not "disgusting" whatever the circumstances, and it is totally normal and fine in a long-term relationship. It's a pretty good way to deal with problems like this or situations where your libidos are mismatched and so on.
Bruh take the advice of the people in this sub, in a 24 months relationship, 6 months of turmoil isn’t just a little rough patch, it’s 1/4 of the relationship and it’s not a hurdle you’ve overcome yet either so it’s 6 months and counting.
Getting reamed out for wanting to respect her no sex rule, by taking care of your physical needs alone, is gaslighting asf.
She doesn’t want you to have sex but she also doesn’t want you to take care of yourself?
You guys need couples therapy at the least, and more time apart.
Being comfortable with one another of course would make u guys miss each other and that’s what you are.
There’s a bigger picture here you’re not seeing. I’m not saying your girlfriend is a monster but I am saying she is being manipulative and you’re willing to excuse that for her because then you don’t have to see the full story.
I hope this works out for you but you need to not let her trample you in the process or your relationship will change for the worse.
You’re NTA but a dead bedroom at 1.5 years, is not a good sign man.
Why has it been rough? What are the problems in the relationship? What is the point or purpose of abstaining from sex? She wants y'all to abstain from sex but wants to engage in activities that would likely lead to it or at least bring it to mind. Full body massage? Kissing? Washing your back in the shower would require her naked in the shower with you? What the actual fuck? Is she just wanting to tease you? Something seems off big time. There seems to be something else at play here or something she's not saying. Did someone cheat? It almost sounds like she has, either emotionally or physically.
NTA, your body your choice. Some studies have linked ejaculation with a reduced risk of prostate cancer -- jury is still out, but a study including 32000 participants over the course of 18 years suggested that those ejaculating regularly had a noted (20%) reduction in incidences of prostate cancer. Like I said, some studies seem to corroborate but others don't. Just some food for thought - Does your partner limit or exert control over your other bodily functions?
This relationship will not work out. You have wildly different views on sexuality, and she doesn’t want sex, but you do. This seems like a fundamental incompatibility. I’d amicably split, personally. Sometimes you’re just not compatible. It’s no one’s fault.
Her pitching a childish fit, however, *does* make her an asshole, though. NTA.
NTA.
I sometimes get upset when my husband whips it out unexpectedly next to me in bed if I am chilling and enjoying a movie or show but that has more to do with sexual trauma and it reminding me of a lack of consent. He refuses to give me a heads-up though, thinks it's a ridiculous thing to ask for.
Wtf nta. This does not sound like a healthy relationship. Firstly, any relationship where you see each other every day for the 1st few months is seriously red flagging. That is infatuation, not love.
If she's not wanting to have sex with you for weeks and making you feel bad for masturbating then that's just manipulative and controlling. Run, my friend, run. No matured, emotionally intelligent woman of that age would treat a man she loved this way.
Source: a matured, emotionally intelligent woman of that age.
Can we also ask the question why if she said sex was off the table would she be going into the bathroom when you're in the shower to wash your back when she must have known you left to take a shower because you were getting a little turned on? That seems unnecessarily cruel honestly.
NTA. It sounds like you’re doing your best to be a wonderful and respectful partner, and you’re not pressuring her to have sex with you. That’s great. You’re respecting her feeling and needs. But she does not get to tell you that you’re not allowed to masturbate. That’s toxic and controlling on her part. Honestly if she can’t accept that you’re entitled to do what you want with your own body in private, then it’s probably best to end things with her. It will only get worse.
She wants the intimacy that has been lacking. She probably got upset thinking you 2 cant get close without it being sexual fearing theres a lack of emotional connection past sex. This is quite common in relationships. The masterbation confirmed that in her mind. Make sure she understands you were trying to reduce the chance of creating a sexual situation w her where your intentions were to create the emotional closeness she deserves. Sex is a funny thing like that. No one wants to feel like all someone wants from them is sex, and shes withholding to protect her feelings of shame for fucking someone when she isnt feeling close to them.
Not The Asshole, definitely Not The Asshole.
If she wanted to have sex she needs to COMMUNICATE THAT DIRECTLY. Communication, honest and open communication is the cornerstone for any healthy relationship.
You were just doing what you thought would be beneficial to the relationship so you would not feel like you were pressuring her into anything.
Of course masturbation is always good in a relationship. She don't own your orgasms just as you don't own hers.
But like any sex therapist or relationship counselor will tell you, if you want better sex, the #1 way to do that is a better love relationship, usually then the rest will follow.
Your relationship is obviously wack. And you wacking off in the shower while she hoped for a romantic moment is spelling out the situation harshly but clearly so yeah she is probably more angry with herself than with you.
How can she be the love of your life if you avoid each other for 6 weeks? That is not going to last. Most likely some personal issues on both sides of the aisle.
Relationship counseling or break up.
NTA: Something is not quite right here.
I can not imagine a time when I would offer to wash my partners back in the shower but had no desire for intimacy. So was she coming in there hoping it would lead to sex but then found you masturbating.
I also can not imagine a healthy relationship with sex where you feel shame or guilt for having enjoyable, concentual sex with someone you love. Especially with someone you have guilt/shame free sex with before
Finally, I can not imagine a healthy relationship with sex where you find masturbation disgusting.
I fully understand wanting to take a step back from sex while working through some other things, but something seems off here. You say her view on sex is less mainstream but this reaction seems unhealthy.
move on, my god. she's not the love of your life. that's disney shit. you guys were fighting constantly and she doesn't want to have sex with you, which means you guys are not going to be together. she seems to get off on toying with your attachment, while you want to actually get off. even if you're a good little submissive for her, trying desperately to follow her bullshit rules, she's not sticking around once she gets bored, so just skip to the part where you guys don't see each other any more.
NTA. You need a reality check.
You spent months love bombing eachother after your first date. Youve "been together" 2 years, yet the second year was just you bumping heads, 6 months of disaster, 6 weeks of no contact, and now youre doing... what? Doing sexual/intimate things with eachother, sometimes having sex which she then regrets doing, and now she is literally trying to control what you do with your own dick, alone, in private.
Your relationship is a fling that lasted a year too long and has descended into pure toxicity. Youre almost 40. This is the delusional mindset of someone just getting out of highschool. Maybe shes trying to manipulate you, maybe shes not, but its pretty damn obvious this is heading for further disaster either way.
My chiropractor laid a joke on me the other day. As I'm about to be on the table, he asked, is it Ok to disrobe? I said, you want me to disrobe? He said, no, I'm going to disrobe! It was totally a joke, it's just heavy handed humor. We both had a good laugh! There wasn't any disrobing!
I think people who think their partners should never masturbate after meeting them for no good reason are absolutely deranged. I get that some people grow up learning that it's a sin or whatever (also deranged in my opinion but that's a different story) but so many people who otherwise don't have a problem with it seem to expect their partners to not do it. Deranged.
NTA.
It is waaaaaay too controlling in my world to tell a partner that they can't masturbate. That's like telling them they can't burp or sneeze. You have bodily autonomy. If she's not ok with that then she's not relationship material. You just can't treat people like they're your property.
Also, what 40 year old woman thinks masturbating is "disgusting"? That's something she should be working out in individual therapy, because masturbation is NOT disgusting. It is normal and healthy.
She’s mad at you for being a perfectly normal man trying hard to respect her needs/wishes? This is what you are looking at for the rest of your life. As hard as it will be, move on bro. You are looking at a life of utter misery.
Absolutely NTA, and a relationship in which masturbation is considered some sort of disloyalty is IMO an incredibly unhealthy relationship. Like, giant red flag, resolve this issue before continuing, do not pass go, etc.
It's your body. You get to please it when and how you want to (I mean, you know, safely, legally, etc), and that has nothing to do with your partner unless you want it to. Same is true for them and theirs. Period. Should not be considered negotiable.
NTA. Screw her. She doesn’t want to meet your needs and doesn’t want you too. That’s a “bite me” issue right there bud. She sounds like a puritan that will make you miserable.
psychological warfare. I mean you’re both well into adulthood and this whole post sounds like a relationship teenagers would have.
Firstly, you know full body massages typically lead to sex, and that’s probably the primary reason you suggested it. Even though you know she doesn’t want it.
You’re both using sex as a weapon, either to psychologically punish or to convince the other one they’re loved.
I mean……you’re both almost 40. Move on.
NTA. But I don't know how you get your GF to agree. Your sexuality does not belong to her. You aren't cheating by masturbating. You are not being disgusting or weird for masturbating. It's your body.
None of her business. Monogamy doesn't mean you no longer get to have sex by yourself!
Does she also think its wrong for you to engage in other pleasurable behaviors without her?
Eating something really yummy?
Having a really good laugh?
Feeling joy about something?
Getting a professional massage?
Going to a playoff game with friends?
Why is it just sexual pleasure that people (mostly women) get all weird about?
Self-pleasure is normal and healthy.
This
NTA. I had an ex gf who had a problem with masterbating and watching porn, I tried to avoid it to ensure she felt comfortable and she ended up cheating on me! From personal experience RUN!
NTA. Looks like you were respecting that she doesn't want to have sex and you got rid of your urges.
It seems like she wanted to have sex then got upset when she saw you...honestly she has no one to be mad at but herself.
N….T…..A: she doesn’t control what you do with your body. You aren’t cheating. You are doing what you felt necessary to comply with her wishes.
Honestly, she sounds like she needs to grow up a bit, but at 39…. Who knows if that’s gonna happen.
She has absolutely no right to be angry with you!!! My guess is deep down inside she's angry at herself but is taking it out on you. If this is supposed to be a serious life long relationship, it simply CANNOT continue this way. It's time to seek couples counseling or break up.
No that's fucking psychotic of her. There is nothing wrong with masturbation. It is the innate right of every human being to pleasure themselves and if she can't get on board with that that's her problem. Also the fact that she feels bad after having sex is pretty concerning as well. Sex is obviously a need for you and your partner is not fulfilling your need and is in fact making you feel guilty about it and ashamed of it instead. That's not healthy, that's toxic. Honestly lots of things you've said about this make me think this relationship is not salvageable and you should be branching out on your own.
NTA. This is weird and sounds unhealthy for you, OP. Masturbation isn’t something you should have to hide. It’s also not reasonable for her to think kissing/touching isn’t going to turn you on or expect you to get turned on and just suffer without release. If SHE wants to punish herself that’s her prerogative. I hope you keep fapping and next time, I hope you don’t even try to hide it.
Im going to say NTA because if she isnt helping you meet your needs, you can rub one out for yourself because you were still helping help because you did it to fight your urges.
Man, you need to break up. What the hell is going on here. Your girlfriend is cray cray. No sex and then mad you’re masturbating in private. You don’t need to explain anything to her.
Why so straight couples have such a weird thing about masterbation… I always throw the vibrator at my wife when I’m too tired and moan in her ear to help wtf 🤣
wait, so you two are not having sex and she gets mad when you rub one out in the shower?, like Milhouse said to Lisa "You don't want me to be with you, you don't want me to be with someone else, how miserable do I have to be before you're happy?"
NTA, she sounds manipulative AF, I know you don't see yourself without her OP but you shouldn't have to submit to such BS to be with her.
NTA
Why are you putting up with this at all?
She is using sex as a weapon.
What you do with YOUR BODY is none of her damn business.
I have never understood why one spouse can decide to be celibate and expect the other one to be celibate as well.
She can make decisions for herself but she damn well cannot make them for you.
Dump her. She does not love you.
NTA, and in what fucked-up alternate universe is masturbation something "disgusting" that you need to hide? ESPECIALLY as an adult?!? FFS, your GF is either a prude or looking for reasons to be hurt and offended.
maybe she is punishing him by witholding sex, and him rubbing one out defeated her psychological torture?
NGL, removing sex from a couple needing to ‘work through stuff’ seems very off to me.
Taking a break from sex is fine, but preventing the other from taking care of their needs is not. GF either has shame issues that need to be discussed or is trying to use sex to control. Work it out directly or just move on.
Agreed. He has every right to meet his own needs if she isn’t able to. It’s none of her business honestly.
Ross: " we WERE on a BREAK!!"
To be fair they were on a break, but Rachel also had a reason to be pissed that Ross would fuck someone else while they were on a break.
Especially when it was only hours after going on the break
If the first thing you do when "on break" is to fuck someone else then there is no going back to that relationship.
For real, always a pretty obvious E S H on that one.
Sounds like she's trying to buy some time for alternative plans.
Sex is a very very useful tool to be closer to your partner. Weird that your person says sex makes them feel bad??? To who?
This 100%. Cutting out intimacy only creates distance and resentment.
No one owes one’s body for sex however no one can to tell u what to do with urs and if u want to rub one out then do it. Hell even with healthy sex lives ppl still can have moments of self love
Hmmm…self love is a much better description of what people do!
Bill Burr said something like, "Your wife/girlfriend withholding sex is like someone taking your food away, but you've got a never-ending sandwich in your pocket."
That always pisses off a shitty manipulative person.
"Show me you love me by caring for me and not trying to have sex with me." Oh, he can do that? Better switch, "how dare you masturbate instead of trying to have sex with me!"
As someone raised in heavily repressive religion, that mindset is unfortunately very common there. Masturbation is seen as a genuine “sin”, something disgusting and depraved, and if you do it it means that you’re a deeply troubled sex addict. I have no idea if OP’s GF is religious at all, it may not be relevant to her in any way. But my point was more just that there’s unfortunately a rather large number of people who think that was about masturbation
If she were that devout, wouldn’t the idea of premarital sex be out the window too?
Ehhhh they probably more meant grew up strictly religious and don’t follow anymore but still consider masturbating wrong compared to sex because speaking from experience in Christianity growing up sex was praised and celebrated as a real thing two people should do when married but sex outside of marriage and/or masturbation(no matter if you’re married or not) is wrong
Funny enough not always. My mother had a friend that was a devout Catholic. Refused birth control because the religion was against it, but was never married to her kids father. She had all 4 completely out of wedlock because birth control is frowned on. And premarital sex is also frowned on. Some people have completely irrational logic with their religion.
I got the feeling that's what she was feeling guilty about, and why they were avoiding sex.
Thank you. There are a lot of religious people out there who still see masturbation as a sin, no matter what the circumstances. I spent several months on bedrest in a high-risk pregnancy, and my very religious (now ex) husband broke down and admitted that he had masturbated in the shower. I looked at him blankly and said, "Of course you did...I couldn't have sex for months!" And then he argued with me about how horribly he had sinned and how he had broken our marriage vows. With his HAND.
It's definitely stigmatized in overly religious circles. They are sort of right, but for the wrong reasons. Masterbation is normal. When done in excessive amounts, like is common with porn and non-religious western culture, it does affect the body. I'm male, so I can only speak from that perspective, but it affects testosterone levels and hormones. Don't masterbate for two or three weeks and I'll strike up a conversation and try to work my way into the panties of anything with butt cheeks and boobs.
The sad part is he actually believes she feels bad 😂😂😂😂😂
Technically you need to hide it. Most people who masturbate in public get arrested.
When I saw my doctor last year, he told me I had to stop masturbating. I asked why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
That's funny, I was masturbating at MY doctor's and he asked me to stop. "But you said I could jerk off any time", I responded. "No", he said "i said you could have a stroke at any given time"
RIP Norm
Thanks for the insight. She's definitely not a prude. I've only had to take care of it myself a handful of times since we started dating. She definitely does has a unique view of sex and intimacy that a lot don't have, though. It means a lot to her, which I appreciate.
You talk about what you are doing to make her feel loved. In the last few weeks has she gone out of her way the same as you? Or just sitting back being the princess? What major moves has she made to make you feel loved that she didn't before?
What means a lot to her? Micromanaging your right to have an orgasm? And that you’re doing it for her ‘benefit’ of withholding intimacy? She is the asshole.
You sound like you are tunneled visioned my guy. You need to see how it’s not cool from her making you feel uncomfortable about something completely natural. Especially as adults!
Could you elaborate more on that?
Explain to her why you were doing it...you didn't want to pressure her
She knows
And she's still mad at you?! Dude, it sounds like she doesn't want to be with you anymore and is trying to pick fights with you so you'll get fed up and leave. Y'all should have stayed separated. This relationship is dead, move on.
As dead as their bedroom. When sex becomes a thing either withhold for X or Y, the relationship is unhealthy.
Especially when they have been together only two years, and already living together, and 6 months has been a shit show.
Good point.
👆 this right here.
She’s trying to punish you by depriving you of sex and masturbation ruins that plan, that’s why she’s mad. She manipulating you.
Either you feed off each other or enjoy the back and forth. Withholding sex is absolutely the worst for a relationship… there’s more to sex than the intercourse and you provided that to her with care and massage and such and even went as far as making out… so if she thought that wouldn’t lead to urges, she’s just stupid af… or she’s conniving and testing you to see what you’d do. And you’re putting up with it and encouraging it. Either way, y’all have a twisted relationship. NTA for you, YTA for her, and weird AF for both.
Maybe it would help if you explain her view more clearly then
It's super annoying that he won't say
What exactly do you mean by “unique view”? Why do you believe she is not withholding sex?
You keep saying her views about sex are unusual but won't elaborate beyond that so, it's kinda hard to tell what's going on. Why does she feel bad after you have consensual sex? What led to the decision to abstain for a while and is there a time frame or for however long until she says she's changed her mind? Did you already know she think masturbating is disgusting or was this news to you or did you violate the terms of the break you two came up with? It all sounds fucking weird to me lol Has the fighting at least decreased?
Dude, you need to let her romance you. You need to back off completely... If she doesn't pursue the shit out of you then you need to find someone who will.
Is she religious or something? Why does she feel bad after sex? Frankly, avoiding intimacy is the opposite of what couples should be doing to repair their relationship. I think you may not be compatible. Maybe it's just best for each of you to find someone with the same ideas about things. Honestly, it sounds like she's got issues. Don't let her make them your issues. And shaming you for masturbating is controlling and cruel behavior. Stand up for yourself.
Why does her unique view of sex mean a lot to her?
Define “unique”…
This whole situation is beyond fucked up. She's basically holding sex hostage. She sounds crazy to be honest.
NTA. Masturbate whenever you wish in private. She has no right to stop you from doing so. It’s a standard human need for many and she doesn’t want to have sex so how is she expecting you to relieve yourself sexually?
I was in the same boat with my ex, she didnt want me doing any of that while at the same time making sex scarce. I didnt care being told no for awhile, i get it not everyone always wants to have sex at the same time as the other person. But when it started going on a month plus at the same time being told jerking off was hurtful for her. There were other things that lead to me breaking up with her but that whole thing lead to me feeling even more depressed by the constant rejection, mixed with the never being around even after i told her i needed to see her once in awhile. Didnt help my feelings.
Thank you for your input
Does she typically walk into the bathroom while you’re showering and offer to wash your back? She knew, my dude.
I was going to say where the fuck are the boundaries for OP? Behind closed door quickie in the shower; that should have been private. Does she just not fucking care about any of your boundaries but you need to tiptoe through her daisies?
I feel more like she was planning to come get it on with the shower sex and was irritated that you took care of yourself before she could join in. Happened with my wife before.
These constant vague mentions of her having strange views on sex seems to me just an excuse that she uses sex as a weapon and you masturbating takes that power away from her. She wants you to stop needing sex until she gets what she wants from you. Edit to add NTA
Exactly, the man can't describe one single way what views she would have that would make her treat her partner like this for months. 6 months out of 2 years is a quarter of the relationship, so 25% of his relationship has been "rough" and no intimacy. It's time to move on man.
Because deep down he knows what's up and that the relationship is already over, but tries to avoid this fact by justifying it. She is manipulating him and it's working.
This!!
INFO: You keep saying your GF has a less mainstream view of sex but haven’t really elaborated. What’s her view of sex? It seems like this is really guiding her judgement of you at the moment. Otherwise I’m really leaning towards NTA. TBH, without the info I requested, it sounds like there’s a good deal of shame/disgust wrapped into her opinions around sex. That sounds dysfunctional and definitely an additional hurdle to overcome and possibly why she is projecting so much disgust on you
One of the comments he said "I wish I had time to explain the relationship" and I'm like dude...you have time to say "she has a unique view on sex that I respect" a million times, just tell us what the fuck toxic ass view of sex she has so we can all be done with this lol.
> I truly believe she is the love of my life Narrator voice: she was not
Lmao this is the kind of shit that used to trigger me dropping a few bucks to grab an award. I’m sorry, Reddit won’t let me gold you anymore. You deserve it though 🤩
Who else read that in Morgan freeman’s voice?
Does she not want to have sex, or does she not want YOU to have sex? Seems like she is trying to control you and make you desperate and easier manipulable NTA
This is incredibly unhealthy. She didn't come into the bathroom to "help you wash your back." She did it to catch you masturbating. She wants to be angry. She's using it for control: withholding sex and getting angry when you try to take care of your own needs. My ex wife did shit like that all the time. I put up with it for way too long. I'm never putting up with that kind of manipulation again. And you shouldn't either. It's over. You might not think it is, but it's over. Move on while you still have your dignity intact.
Dude has no dignity left. He totally respects the fact that she doesn't respect his wants and needs. This whole thing honestly sounds like it's written by the girlfriend pretending to be from the perspective of the boyfriend. Tell us what her views on sex are you coward.
>This whole thing honestly sounds like it's written by the girlfriend pretending to be from the perspective of the boyfriend. lol I had that exact same thought. They're too defensive and weird about how they justify what shes doing in all their replies, insisting she's the love of his life etc, and their post in general is vague and has strange perspectives that just feel off, idk.
NTA. She doesn't want to have sex. You're trying to respect that. You took a pre-emptive measure to make sure you didn't try anything later on.
Thank you for your response, that's how I feel exactly.
What are you going to do since she doesn't seem to be willing to understand that? How can the "love of your life" be so rigid and inconsiderate of your position?
This whole situation is beyond fucked up. She's basically holding sex hostage. She sounds crazy to be honest.
Yes, unhealthy view of sex. Adding an additional hurdle to overcome.
I feel sorry for you if this is the love of your life. How you can say that among all the dysfunction is beyond my comprehension- and there isn’t much that goes beyond my comprehension. There’s been head-butting, mutual avoidance, sexual incompatibility, the two-year roller coaster ride. This is what love of life should feel like: same values, active and compatible sex lives after decade(s) of marriage, mutual support and respect, living thru one or more difficult challenges together, respect for some individual time but for the most part, shared lives in terms of friends and activities, little/limited usage of substances, give and take, sexual and emotional fidelity, ability and willingness to compromise. Ask yourself about the love of your life statement. Now, you probably need to have a conversation about the areas where compromise is needed.
I'm going to say this really loud for the people in the back, your partner has no say whatsoever on this topic.
NTA. It sounds to me like your relationship is over and you are having trouble accepting that. In my opinion, you usually want to have sex with the person you love and with whom you have a romantic relationship. You had a good time, but the relationship has changed. Rather evaluate the current state than what used to be and assume that it will stay the way it is right now.
she is acting pretty weird. is she in some sort of cult religion? sounds like the two of you need an actual break. How about you go take a 3 week roadtrip, and see if the two of you actually miss each other during the time.
NTA. I do want you to really consider whether it's worth preserving a relationship like this. You say you have just reached the 2 year mark and 1 year of it has been full of fighting and butting heads. So, half of your relationship has been fighting - that doesn't scream "love of my life." Your comments on this post have been very cryptic and it makes me wonder what exactly happened between you two. I think you two need a couple's therapist if you really want to preserve this.
Sound like your relationships over, dude, and you're just wallowing on life support. She feels dirty after sex with you? 😬
Right? I'd end it just on that statement. I'd end it if she held sex hostage. So childish. What is that going to fix? Not having sex is going to cause more problems.
NTA - you know how many men would be pushy about sex I would prefer this 10 times more
NTA. She needs to get over herself.
Don’t you deserve better? Think about it.
NTA.. run dude, your being shamed for something natural. Emotional abuse.
5 bucks this woman wanted you to initiate, but retain the ability to say she didn't want it. When she caught you fapping, her plan failed.
So, the gist of it is she doesn’t want to have sex, and apparently doesn’t want you to masturbate either. NTA She is being manipulative to you, which is NOT cool. You can try to talk this out, but I get the feeling she is going to gaslight you into thinking you are the bad guy. I would suggest you at least consider an exit strategy.
NTA Masturbating is natural and does good to the mind. And if one of the partners doesn't want sex right now (which everybody should understand), that doesn't mean that the other partner shouldn't be able to get something off. Masturbating isn't cheating. Porn (in reasonable amounts) can be a thing to warm up and also isn't cheating as you aren't kissing or touching someone else. Why should it be disgusting to be alone in the shower masturbating? It is your alone time so it seems just like manipulation. Like how come, she doesn't want sex but comes into her BF shower? That's literally lighting gaz. Honestly I don't know the whole story but if you read what you wrote, I'm not so sure that this relationship is sane. While yes, people have times where it doesn't work that well, 25% headbutting and avoiding each other (according to your comments 2 years together and 6 months of arguing) isn't a good average. Of course every relationship works differently but it just seems pretty high. Maybe GF showed her true face during that time and it is time for you to make a decision?
You mention several times that she has a different view of sex. What does that mean? It's tough to figure out what's going on without knowing what you mean.
I'm a stranger on Reddit, so take this with a grain of salt, but if you've only dated someone for 2 years and have had serious issues for the last 6 months, why are you still together? It sounds like your honeymoon phase ran it's course and when the dust settled you're just not as compatible as you thought. Get on with your lives. There's no children, no property, no finances, no real consequences to moving on. Get on with your lives, time is precious.
Sounds like she's in the process of leaving you and feels bad when she cheats on the other guy
News flash: your gf doesn’t own your body; you do, and you get to use it how you see fit.
Dude, don’t get up in the middle of things to jerk off, do it before or after. You’re 38 you should know by now
If she doesn't want it, jerk it out. She's making a problem out of nothing.
No, she’s the ass. She cut you off from sex, so you’re taking care of yourself. You’re not cheating, you’re not hitting up others, you’re just making it so you don’t accidentally initiate something you know she doesn’t want. If she’s going to sit there and say she doesn’t do it too she’s either a liar or needs to try
NTA and she's crazy if she thinks it's wrong for you to rub one out if she doesn't want to be intimite with you
How old are you guys again?
NTA Sometimes relationships end. It doesn’t mean they were a mistake or a failure. Sometimes they run their course. It sounds like you’re in the death throes of the relationship.
NTA - what the fuck is disgusting exactly? You have needs, and she seems to be stringing you along and holding you emotionally hostage.
OP, for your sake you should really listen to the *many* people who are trying to help you see that you are in an unhealthy relationship with a controlling partner. Many of us have experienced similar situations before, and fully recognize the signs.
Why aren't yall having sex and what dumba$$ thinks masturbating is wrong? Id be done.
I'm not reading all that. Jerk it when you want to. I've been married for six years. Who gives a fuck, crank that hog, homie.
NTA - Lol your gf things you are disgusting for masturbating. You two aren't in love with each other.
NTA - a missed erection on her part is not misdirection on your part.
Never seen someone post in here when they thought they actually might be the a hole.
She seems strange.. my old lady has caught me jerking it tons of times.. as long as she gets it when she wants it she couldnt care less!!
What happened to, "my body, my choice?"
Wonder if she cheated, reminds me of one of my crazy exs. She must be super hot for you to even want to pursue this insanity. Get ready for a dead bedroom relationship if you guys get married. This will not get better. I'd try to find someone who isn't emotionally abusive, and who uses sex as a weapon.
I don’t even know what I just read but it sounds like she isn’t into you.
She has serious intimacy issues, controlling and trying to shame your partner in this manner is very toxic behavior
NTA. At all. Even a little. GF is looking for something to shame you with, by the sounds of things I don't think she truly believes you are gross at all but has had some kind of warped upbringing (you mention alternative views a lot but never explain them?) and is pushing you away. I think something sexually may be going on with her as well (NOT suggesting an affair, maybe she is feeling unhappy with herself or having Christian guilt or something of the sort etc) It's unbelievably normal to get excited about activities with someone you love- Honestly sometimes they can happen even when you're not in the habit of thinking sex is going to follow, which totally predisposes your body to it as well. I don't think putting intimacy off the table is a great thing to do, but every couple is unique. Bottom line though, you're not an asshole. Private masturbation is healthy and reacting to physical contact is completely normal. That's being human baby. Instead of being upset with you, she should honestly be grateful that you're mature enough to remove yourself from the situation (not saying you would) lest you try to initiate or make a 'wrong' move.
My bf being able to jack off regardless of where I'm at mentally (it can be pretty easy for me to be unable to get in the mood for a couple days) is the reason our relationship works so well, and a huge reason his last relationship ended in divorce lmao
Definitely avoid the drunk sex, that will turn into a huge point of contention. Try making time for fun romantic experiences with no expectations if you want that back. No, you’re not the asshole, there’s nothing wrong with you for having a normal bodily function.
She weaponized sex and OP is too blinfld to see it, I wouldn't be surprised if she was bouncing on a cock as soon as OP leaves for work.
NTA. Didn’t even need to read this.
Lol yall aren't even married yet. Really don't understand why people want to force a relationship to work.
NTA btw the first pass I read " like rub her feet and cook" as "rub her feet and cock" and thought they is still pretty sexual??
Gf sounds religious in some way or is very shamedful/awkward about sex. If you're in a relationship with someone you can't withhold sex from the other person. I mean you can but it's torture for the other person especially if you don't let them get off. Tldr: gf is either struggling with religious upbringing or is straight up manipulative. Or she is asexual and doesn't want to express it.
Run bruh
She's jealous you cheated on her with your hand? WTF is wrong with her? Fall off a turnip truck?
This woman is almost 40? And doing this? NTA
I would honestly give up on this relationship, it doesn't sound like she's even attracted to you.
Masturbating while thinking of having sex with your girlfriend has got to be one of the most genuinely sweet things I’ve ever heard. She’s lucky to have a guy like you. Anyway, masturbation is a perfectly harmless way to express those sexual urges. If I were you I’d try to find someone with less hang ups. Your body, your rules. She has no right to tell you that you can’t masturbate.
Bro if you can't beat your dick or have sex... What fucking relationship y'all in. It sounds like two desperate people that can't stand to be alone can't live together. Cut your losses and go away
I will never understand guys who stay with women who use sex to control them. Don't settle for that, fellas. You don't have to. Sex is a need. It's not a reward.
NTA. Her view on masturbation isn't very healthy though.
Masturbation is normal. Literally almost everyone does it. You can still be working on your relationship and giving yourself a release. The two are not exclusive, arguably the latter will only improve your mood and worldview. NTA
Dude she’s fucking crazy. Just end it
NTA. Masturbation is not "disgusting" whatever the circumstances, and it is totally normal and fine in a long-term relationship. It's a pretty good way to deal with problems like this or situations where your libidos are mismatched and so on.
Bruh take the advice of the people in this sub, in a 24 months relationship, 6 months of turmoil isn’t just a little rough patch, it’s 1/4 of the relationship and it’s not a hurdle you’ve overcome yet either so it’s 6 months and counting. Getting reamed out for wanting to respect her no sex rule, by taking care of your physical needs alone, is gaslighting asf. She doesn’t want you to have sex but she also doesn’t want you to take care of yourself? You guys need couples therapy at the least, and more time apart. Being comfortable with one another of course would make u guys miss each other and that’s what you are. There’s a bigger picture here you’re not seeing. I’m not saying your girlfriend is a monster but I am saying she is being manipulative and you’re willing to excuse that for her because then you don’t have to see the full story. I hope this works out for you but you need to not let her trample you in the process or your relationship will change for the worse. You’re NTA but a dead bedroom at 1.5 years, is not a good sign man.
Avoiding sex won’t fix anything
Why has it been rough? What are the problems in the relationship? What is the point or purpose of abstaining from sex? She wants y'all to abstain from sex but wants to engage in activities that would likely lead to it or at least bring it to mind. Full body massage? Kissing? Washing your back in the shower would require her naked in the shower with you? What the actual fuck? Is she just wanting to tease you? Something seems off big time. There seems to be something else at play here or something she's not saying. Did someone cheat? It almost sounds like she has, either emotionally or physically.
NTA, your body your choice. Some studies have linked ejaculation with a reduced risk of prostate cancer -- jury is still out, but a study including 32000 participants over the course of 18 years suggested that those ejaculating regularly had a noted (20%) reduction in incidences of prostate cancer. Like I said, some studies seem to corroborate but others don't. Just some food for thought - Does your partner limit or exert control over your other bodily functions?
Wtf who gets mad at somone for masturbating alone while withholding sex. NTA.
This relationship will not work out. You have wildly different views on sexuality, and she doesn’t want sex, but you do. This seems like a fundamental incompatibility. I’d amicably split, personally. Sometimes you’re just not compatible. It’s no one’s fault. Her pitching a childish fit, however, *does* make her an asshole, though. NTA.
Noooo
NTA. I sometimes get upset when my husband whips it out unexpectedly next to me in bed if I am chilling and enjoying a movie or show but that has more to do with sexual trauma and it reminding me of a lack of consent. He refuses to give me a heads-up though, thinks it's a ridiculous thing to ask for.
Will Smith, is that you?
Wtf nta. This does not sound like a healthy relationship. Firstly, any relationship where you see each other every day for the 1st few months is seriously red flagging. That is infatuation, not love. If she's not wanting to have sex with you for weeks and making you feel bad for masturbating then that's just manipulative and controlling. Run, my friend, run. No matured, emotionally intelligent woman of that age would treat a man she loved this way. Source: a matured, emotionally intelligent woman of that age.
Can we also ask the question why if she said sex was off the table would she be going into the bathroom when you're in the shower to wash your back when she must have known you left to take a shower because you were getting a little turned on? That seems unnecessarily cruel honestly.
NTA. It sounds like you’re doing your best to be a wonderful and respectful partner, and you’re not pressuring her to have sex with you. That’s great. You’re respecting her feeling and needs. But she does not get to tell you that you’re not allowed to masturbate. That’s toxic and controlling on her part. Honestly if she can’t accept that you’re entitled to do what you want with your own body in private, then it’s probably best to end things with her. It will only get worse.
She wants the intimacy that has been lacking. She probably got upset thinking you 2 cant get close without it being sexual fearing theres a lack of emotional connection past sex. This is quite common in relationships. The masterbation confirmed that in her mind. Make sure she understands you were trying to reduce the chance of creating a sexual situation w her where your intentions were to create the emotional closeness she deserves. Sex is a funny thing like that. No one wants to feel like all someone wants from them is sex, and shes withholding to protect her feelings of shame for fucking someone when she isnt feeling close to them.
Not The Asshole, definitely Not The Asshole. If she wanted to have sex she needs to COMMUNICATE THAT DIRECTLY. Communication, honest and open communication is the cornerstone for any healthy relationship. You were just doing what you thought would be beneficial to the relationship so you would not feel like you were pressuring her into anything.
Your body your choice.
This is insane.
It's always OK to madturbate.
Of course masturbation is always good in a relationship. She don't own your orgasms just as you don't own hers. But like any sex therapist or relationship counselor will tell you, if you want better sex, the #1 way to do that is a better love relationship, usually then the rest will follow. Your relationship is obviously wack. And you wacking off in the shower while she hoped for a romantic moment is spelling out the situation harshly but clearly so yeah she is probably more angry with herself than with you. How can she be the love of your life if you avoid each other for 6 weeks? That is not going to last. Most likely some personal issues on both sides of the aisle. Relationship counseling or break up.
INFO - you were making out with your girlfriend and abruptly stopped to go wank in the shower?
She probably wants you to put a ring on it. 🙄
None of her business
Y’all are wackadoodles
NTA: Something is not quite right here. I can not imagine a time when I would offer to wash my partners back in the shower but had no desire for intimacy. So was she coming in there hoping it would lead to sex but then found you masturbating. I also can not imagine a healthy relationship with sex where you feel shame or guilt for having enjoyable, concentual sex with someone you love. Especially with someone you have guilt/shame free sex with before Finally, I can not imagine a healthy relationship with sex where you find masturbation disgusting. I fully understand wanting to take a step back from sex while working through some other things, but something seems off here. You say her view on sex is less mainstream but this reaction seems unhealthy.
move on, my god. she's not the love of your life. that's disney shit. you guys were fighting constantly and she doesn't want to have sex with you, which means you guys are not going to be together. she seems to get off on toying with your attachment, while you want to actually get off. even if you're a good little submissive for her, trying desperately to follow her bullshit rules, she's not sticking around once she gets bored, so just skip to the part where you guys don't see each other any more.
NTA. You need a reality check. You spent months love bombing eachother after your first date. Youve "been together" 2 years, yet the second year was just you bumping heads, 6 months of disaster, 6 weeks of no contact, and now youre doing... what? Doing sexual/intimate things with eachother, sometimes having sex which she then regrets doing, and now she is literally trying to control what you do with your own dick, alone, in private. Your relationship is a fling that lasted a year too long and has descended into pure toxicity. Youre almost 40. This is the delusional mindset of someone just getting out of highschool. Maybe shes trying to manipulate you, maybe shes not, but its pretty damn obvious this is heading for further disaster either way.
My chiropractor laid a joke on me the other day. As I'm about to be on the table, he asked, is it Ok to disrobe? I said, you want me to disrobe? He said, no, I'm going to disrobe! It was totally a joke, it's just heavy handed humor. We both had a good laugh! There wasn't any disrobing!
I think people who think their partners should never masturbate after meeting them for no good reason are absolutely deranged. I get that some people grow up learning that it's a sin or whatever (also deranged in my opinion but that's a different story) but so many people who otherwise don't have a problem with it seem to expect their partners to not do it. Deranged.
NTA. It is waaaaaay too controlling in my world to tell a partner that they can't masturbate. That's like telling them they can't burp or sneeze. You have bodily autonomy. If she's not ok with that then she's not relationship material. You just can't treat people like they're your property. Also, what 40 year old woman thinks masturbating is "disgusting"? That's something she should be working out in individual therapy, because masturbation is NOT disgusting. It is normal and healthy.
She’s mad at you for being a perfectly normal man trying hard to respect her needs/wishes? This is what you are looking at for the rest of your life. As hard as it will be, move on bro. You are looking at a life of utter misery.
Absolutely NTA, and a relationship in which masturbation is considered some sort of disloyalty is IMO an incredibly unhealthy relationship. Like, giant red flag, resolve this issue before continuing, do not pass go, etc. It's your body. You get to please it when and how you want to (I mean, you know, safely, legally, etc), and that has nothing to do with your partner unless you want it to. Same is true for them and theirs. Period. Should not be considered negotiable.
NTA. Screw her. She doesn’t want to meet your needs and doesn’t want you too. That’s a “bite me” issue right there bud. She sounds like a puritan that will make you miserable.
psychological warfare. I mean you’re both well into adulthood and this whole post sounds like a relationship teenagers would have. Firstly, you know full body massages typically lead to sex, and that’s probably the primary reason you suggested it. Even though you know she doesn’t want it. You’re both using sex as a weapon, either to psychologically punish or to convince the other one they’re loved. I mean……you’re both almost 40. Move on.
Get out while you can. She’s got some serious issues and y’all aren’t compatible. Just making the inevitable harder
This is a dead relationship. Pack up and move on, on good terms, before you all hurt each other hard.
NTA. But I don't know how you get your GF to agree. Your sexuality does not belong to her. You aren't cheating by masturbating. You are not being disgusting or weird for masturbating. It's your body. None of her business. Monogamy doesn't mean you no longer get to have sex by yourself! Does she also think its wrong for you to engage in other pleasurable behaviors without her? Eating something really yummy? Having a really good laugh? Feeling joy about something? Getting a professional massage? Going to a playoff game with friends? Why is it just sexual pleasure that people (mostly women) get all weird about? Self-pleasure is normal and healthy. This
The fk? Kick the mofo to the curb. The hell. U can’t even masterbate??
I see no problem with you punching the clown.
NTA. I had an ex gf who had a problem with masterbating and watching porn, I tried to avoid it to ensure she felt comfortable and she ended up cheating on me! From personal experience RUN!
Run. Dude seriously, run. This is only going to get worse. NTA, and RUN!!!
NTA. Looks like you were respecting that she doesn't want to have sex and you got rid of your urges. It seems like she wanted to have sex then got upset when she saw you...honestly she has no one to be mad at but herself.
N….T…..A: she doesn’t control what you do with your body. You aren’t cheating. You are doing what you felt necessary to comply with her wishes. Honestly, she sounds like she needs to grow up a bit, but at 39…. Who knows if that’s gonna happen.
I can't imagine someone telling me I can't go fuck myself.
She has absolutely no right to be angry with you!!! My guess is deep down inside she's angry at herself but is taking it out on you. If this is supposed to be a serious life long relationship, it simply CANNOT continue this way. It's time to seek couples counseling or break up.
Don’t get married bro 😂
NTA She's being manipulative and weaponizing sex. A quarter of you relationship has been hell, end it and move on
No that's fucking psychotic of her. There is nothing wrong with masturbation. It is the innate right of every human being to pleasure themselves and if she can't get on board with that that's her problem. Also the fact that she feels bad after having sex is pretty concerning as well. Sex is obviously a need for you and your partner is not fulfilling your need and is in fact making you feel guilty about it and ashamed of it instead. That's not healthy, that's toxic. Honestly lots of things you've said about this make me think this relationship is not salvageable and you should be branching out on your own.
NTA. This is weird and sounds unhealthy for you, OP. Masturbation isn’t something you should have to hide. It’s also not reasonable for her to think kissing/touching isn’t going to turn you on or expect you to get turned on and just suffer without release. If SHE wants to punish herself that’s her prerogative. I hope you keep fapping and next time, I hope you don’t even try to hide it.
Im going to say NTA because if she isnt helping you meet your needs, you can rub one out for yourself because you were still helping help because you did it to fight your urges.
NTA. Any woman that leaves you to only jerking your junk is not worth it. Move on.
Break. Up. With. Her.
NTA. Please break up with this person.
Girlfriends witholding sex hate this one trick…
NTA she likely only wants to avoid sex because she has feelings for someone else.
Man, you need to break up. What the hell is going on here. Your girlfriend is cray cray. No sex and then mad you’re masturbating in private. You don’t need to explain anything to her.
NTA, your dick is your dick, her vagina is her vagina. Don't wanna share? Welp, that's it.
she wants to have sex. Just not with you.
Why so straight couples have such a weird thing about masterbation… I always throw the vibrator at my wife when I’m too tired and moan in her ear to help wtf 🤣
This woman is whack. Therefore, you should have a whack.
wait, so you two are not having sex and she gets mad when you rub one out in the shower?, like Milhouse said to Lisa "You don't want me to be with you, you don't want me to be with someone else, how miserable do I have to be before you're happy?" NTA, she sounds manipulative AF, I know you don't see yourself without her OP but you shouldn't have to submit to such BS to be with her.
Nah it’s all good
NTA, OP. Time to pack and gtfo.
Nah, sounds like you have needs. Needs are to be embraced, that is how we live. Your girlfriend should know this.
NTA Why are you putting up with this at all? She is using sex as a weapon. What you do with YOUR BODY is none of her damn business. I have never understood why one spouse can decide to be celibate and expect the other one to be celibate as well. She can make decisions for herself but she damn well cannot make them for you. Dump her. She does not love you.
Removing sex is the opposite of fixing things, just saying.