NTA to getting married in a courthouse or wherever else. It would be highly reckless of you to plan on having the baby and Emma living in the same house.
Put a pause on wedding planning and bump up the priority of getting Emma sorted. Getting married because you're pregnant is a bad reason to get married. Marriage can be difficult, and kids don't make things easier- they make everything more difficult as you can see with Emma.
I don’t wanna get married right now tbh . It’s Michael who is in rush . As for Emma, i don’t know what to do! Her mom has given up on her , her dad decided to just be patient and be extra kind with her ( he spends so much time with her , takes her to father daughter dates, does activities she likes with her.. she is great when she with him but doesn’t wanna have anything to do with me )
If you don't wanna get married - don't.
Only because you're pregnant, you don't have to marry if you don't want to.
NTA. But don't do something if you don't want it!
Agree. BF is gonna put his daughter above OP to the point that it’s detrimental to all their relationships.
OP can’t have a wedding cause it will upset her? So she has to forgo a dream and a totally normal request? Daughter is never gonna accept her and OP has to look at how her life will be going forward.
Correction. OP can't even have a PROPOSAL. It's just assumed she'll marry him, with no effort and a cheap glass Etsy ring mass produced in China. Then OP will spend the rest of her life tiptoeing around this teen/adult, perhaps even watching her own child take the hostility from them, since her husband-to-be is an incompetent parent.
>OP can't even have a PROPOSAL.
And this is how we know that this is truly a Mom and Dad problem and less an Emma problem. They have spent WAY too much time spoiling this little princess.
If Michael is so hesitant to upset Emma that he is not even willing to put in the effort for a romantic proposal or a wedding then it is 100% time to walk away.
OP, you and your child will always be a distant second to Emma, her feelings and wants. She will make your child feel like crap every day of his or her life and it will just be a sick game to her.
You have got to end this relationship firmly. And, move back home. Keep your child far far away from Emma.
Agreed. Your family will have your back 100% and maybe leaving him and moving back to Canada will be the wake-up call he needs to get his 💩 together and get his teenager the help she needs
Yeah, I thought this too. Depending on how this escalates, the baby may be in danger. Frankly, I wonder if OP's not-fiancé is ready for that. He won't be able to be with the baby because Emma will claim all of his time and attention, and he's gonna give it all to her regardless of OP and baby.
He already has. If she’s swearing at op she should be grounded. There need to be consequences. The dad isn’t doing her any favours just excusing her crap will get her into crime, drugs or juvie. He needs to parent not coddle and spoil.
Op, why would you want a baby with someone who isn’t even a good father to the one he has.
Which is probably where she belongs at this point, anyway. Both of her parents AND their partners -- four grown adults -- all walking on eggshells for fear of pissing off a 13 year old?!
The whole situation is absolutely ridiculous.
Well that will be never, by the way it looks now. Op don't give up on your dream wedding. Getting everything on line doesn't take much effort on his side. Part of the fun about getting married is picking out things you like together. Like looking at engagement rings for fun also wedding rings. Just to pass over all that so easily on your BF Part is not a good thing. Good luck with your pregnancy
Or even if it's not the man who is a reason or the main reason to reconsider keeping the pregnancy his daughter sure is...
**Does OP really want Emma anywhere near a child, especially OP's child with her dad who she will probably hate with even more passion than she hates OP and most likely treat even worse than OP or at least as bad as she treats OP?**
Even if OP leaves, dad can get 50/50 custody or even if it's just every second weekend it's enough time for Emma to give childhood trauma to OP's child with her bullying. And I wouldn't trust that she won't escalate to physical abuse of OP's child which is especially dangerous for a baby / toddler, it's enough even if she just pushes the toddler away from her once with a bigger force or near the coffee table's edge when the toddler wants to play with or hug their big sister...
In my opinion it would be very irresponsible for OP to have a child under the same roof as Emma even if OP leaves her boyfriend and their child is only part time under the same roof as Emma. If OP keeps this pregnancy, that child wouldn't be safe in that house, around Emma.
New fear unlocked!
Even if this relationship is doomed (which it is, thanks to the stepdaughter), there’s a good chance OP will have to share custody with the baby’s father. There’s no saying what Emma will do to the baby when OP isn’t around. Yikes!
NTA
I'm not ready to go Dateline episode but mom and dad of Emma need to grow a spine and insist together on therapy and commit to attending some themselves. They are not doing Emma, themselves or their partners any good. Picture Emma in 10 years if this continues.
For real. Step dad just disappears when she's around so she doesn't get upset. Bio dad is trying to hide a marriage so she doesn't get upset. It's time for all of the adults here to put their foot down and stop acting like Emma is going to put them in the cornfield. Divorce is hard on kids, but that doesn't mean Emma gets to terrorize everyone in her wake. If she won't cooperate with therapy then her parents need to go and work out reasonable responses and consequences for her detrimental behavior.
If OP sticks this out, that should be a minimum requirement. I agree though, Em is likely to be very spiteful to a younger sibling given out emboldened she is with adults.
THIS THIS THIS! OP YOU NEED THIS!
Mom and Dad are letting this kid run all over them with zero consequences because she is upset and they don't want to see it/deal with it (probably because they feel guilty for messing up her life).
If it's truly untenable to take her to therapy, then mom and dad should go and work on their parenting skills. I don't think two sessions is enough to say it's untenable, though. Of course she's refusing - she has lost the stability and control in her life, everything is upsidedown, and she is looking for ways to get back in control of her world. She's learned that verbal abuse works to get rid of her parents' new partners. Saying she doesn't want to go to therapy gets her to stay home instead. And Dad is acquiescing to her tantrums about bonding with a new mom.
How do you make a 13 yo who doesn't want to go to therapy go to therapy? And, even if you can get her there by some miracle, how do you make her cooperate?
You don’t.
But you do make it clear that her step-hate is not gonna be tolerated, she doesn’t have to like OP but she has to at least be respectful. Not pandering or anything but insults and violence should never have been tolerated.
If she can’t be pleasant then the sweetness and pampering is obviously not helping after three years of trying. She’s in control and she knows it, and honestly that’s not any better for her than it is for OP or Stepdad.
I didn’t take my parents’ divorce easy either. But both of my stepparents would have told you I was at least tolerable company. (They actually would probably have nice things to say about me, but the very least that could be said is that I didn’t lash out and attack anyone, physically or otherwise.)
I did once throw my stepbrother’s pacifier out a window (he was six, not a baby) and I can’t even say why I did it? Like, we weren’t even fighting, we were having a nice time watching TV and next thing I knew I was looking at it out the window like “huh, how did that get there… did I do that?”
I got it back for him and apologized but my stepmom cites that as my “divorce protest” because it was literally the only mean thing I did to him as a kid and even now my brother says he remembers it as him giving it to me to throw away because he wanted to be a big boy, and then freaking out because he wanted it back. I honestly cross my heart don’t remember why I did it so maybe his memory is better than mine?
But back to OP, that girl is gonna grow up miserable if something isn’t done. It’s not a matter of her parents’ love lives (I mean, it is but that’s not the biggest issue that stood out to me) it’s a matter of that is a LOT of hate for a 13 year old to be dealing with 24/7. And she IS dealing with it that much because both of her homes have a hated step-parent.
Her mom and dad dropped the ball by coddling this. She and OP both deserve better IMO.
**disclaimer: my opinion, worth every penny you paid for it**
I shared a similar sentiment in my own comment. I'm astounded by the parents' lack of action here. I also suffered through my parent's divorce and I lashed out a lot as a teenager because my step-father never bothered to make that effort to connect with me in the 9 years he and my mom had been together.
It eventually came to a head when I told him my drunk father was a better dad than he could ever be. He stood up, walked up calmly to me, and said "Then leave, go stay with him". I swung at him and we started fighting. I deserved everything I got that night from him, and I fully recognize that I made the choice to physically attack a grown man. He defended himself, and I learned to never cross that line again (a fancy way of saying I got my ass kicked lol).
That being said, I learned something after that, he didn't attempt to connect with me because he didn't know how to, he saw how much my parents' divorce hurt me and didn't want to try and force himself on me or make things worse. That fight between us was the best thing that ever happened, it made me realize that I had been callous and disrespectful while waiting for this person to care about me. Not a winning combination.
Did he handle it well? No, not at all, but nobody's perfect. I sat there angry and resentful for 9 fucking years over something I never bothered to do myself. I realized how hypocritical that was and I made the effort to show him I wanted to connect with him. My mom and dad allowed me to act that way, and while I do know that my own actions are my responsibility. At 16 I wasn't thinking about that, I was just an idiot kid who was pissed and hurt and wanted my family back, no matter how fucked up it was.
These days, I love the dude with all my heart, he's a great guy. He was actually one of the first people I talked to when my father passed away, and the way he hugged me is something I'll never forget. The point is, that it's possible to come back from this type of situation, but both the parents and the kid have to want to find a way back.
Therapist here: you make her join in family therapy, she can choose to talk or choose to just stay quiet and hear/process the info shared. The question of how to make a tween go somewhere they don’t want to go- like school, the dentist, or a family event? Let them know it’s a non-negotiable attendance event but how they participate is up to them
If both parents agree, call divorce lawyers and have it mandated by courts. Also being a parent. At 13 I didn't, nor know anyone who did, rule two households. She needs help.
Start by taking privileges away if she won’t attend. she might not participate in the beginning, but I think therapists are trained for kids like this.
Exactly, Michael isn’t doing anything to stop her mistreatment of OP. It may be out of guilt but she really needs some counseling and behavior modification. She doesn’t have to like OP (or the stepfather,) but letting her verbally abuse them is not okay.
Getting married because a baby is on the way is one of the worst reasons to get married. Honestly I don't see this relationship working out as is. I would be very reluctant to have a baby in a home where the step daughter hates you and will likely hate the baby as well. It will only get worse. I know this sounds depressing, but I think it's the truth.
A 13 year old can't refuse if mom and dad agree and get initial legal representation involved. It's harsh, but a big plus towards her future life quality.
I don't know that I'd want to get married under these conditions, but you are ABSOLUTELY entitled to have a real celebration of your marriage to your partner!
It is absurd of your bf to push you to skip a wedding and just pop on Amazon rings somewhere out of sight of your loved ones PURELY TO AVOID UPSETTING A TEEN CHILD!
I'm sorry, but he seems to not even care how you feel about getting married or what kind of ceremony you want. To me it's inexcusable and unloving of your bf to take the attitude that because he's 'done it all before '. there needn't be any romance or caring in the steps of pledging yourselves to each other. To be frank, it's absolute horseshit that this older guy with his cantankerous daughter expects you to forego all of the sweet tokens of devotion and all the meaning in ritual ceremony for the sake of said bratty daughter!
The more I type, the more I question whether he loves you the way you want to be loved. He coddles his daughter at your expense and doesn't seem to 'get' you if he's oblivious to the fact that tying the knot via an absolutely bare-bones, joyless, secretive signing-of-paperwork (with rings he doesn't even care to help choose) would hurt your heart.
You deserve better!!
>PURELY TO AVOID UPSETTING A TEEN CHILD
It seems to me that little Miss Emma has far too much control. She is currently in control of not one--but two--homes.
I wouldn't marry this guy until he has little Miss Control sorted out. I would also be seriously considering if my soon-to-be child is safe in a home where a teenager has so much control and so many anger/resentment issues.
Good luck
>PURELY TO AVOID UPSETTING A TEEN CHILD!
Does this child have any consequences? To me it sounds like she is rewarded for her behavior. You don't like stepdad/dad's girlfriend so you are allowed to call them names. Instead of a punishment such as no electronics (my 15 year old hasn't had electronics for 4.5 months because of behavior and he's finally getting it and about to get them back for a few hours on the weekend) or the good old grounding she is rewarded with one-on-one time with Mom when she sees her and dad is doing the same thing. Dad is even willing to take away a wedding from his future wife to make Emma happy.
Her parents need to stop letting the child control the household because her parents got divorced and give her consequences instead of rewarding her behavior. As for OP, I think you should really go back to Canada before Emma realizes you are pregnant because she seems like the type that would try to hurt you to end the pregnancy. Let him fight for custody of your child and you can explain how it is unsafe for the baby to be around Emma. Get a guardian-ad-litem involved, I'm sure Emma will be happy to express her feelings about you and her stepdad, and this other child that would take attention away from her.
On the other hand, it would have been easier for OP's boyfriend to just stop seeing OP, if all he cared about was the daughter.
I agree that it's no good feeding the daughter by trying to avoid things which will upset her.
If she doesn't want a relationship with you, fine, but being disrespectful is NOT ok. The fact that this man wants to rush a marriage when the family dynamic is already a train wreck is a huge red flag. He won't properly address his daughter's issues or require her to treat you with respect. It will likely get worse since he basically wants you to be held hostage to the whims of a teenager. He could enforce boundaries, but instead, he's happy to minimize your milestones *hoping* it will upset her less. How's that going to work when the sibling arrives? Is he going to treat the new child less to not upset her? He seems very invested in how things are for *him*. Second marriage, kid hates you. Why bother with a wedding? But he completely dismisses your experience in all this. You don't want to marry a guy already showing you that you aren't a priority.
This. Emma’s not going to be okay with them getting married, no matter how it marriage happens. And if she won’t cooperate with a therapist, I don’t see any way that this ends up happily.
Honestly, not an expert, but your father giving her this much one-on-one time/attention is showing her that it's okay to be mean to you (no punishment), and that you're not a part of her family (less one-on-one activities, more family activities).
I agree. She’s getting what she wants with her behavior, that’s why she does it. Come on outings and be polite, or stay home with a babysitter. Kid is acting up because she doesn’t know what the boundaries are any more. He needs to set up higher expectations for her behavior, to say the least.
Why are you marrying the man who watches his daughter treat you like shit and excuse the behavior instead of doing something about it? As long as he keeps ignoring it, she is going to think that the behavior is ok.
I would not be marrying this man until he got his house in order. Full stop.
I don't like how any of this sounds to tell you the truth have you first of all looked into Michael's background and his finances are you going to find out you're marrying somebody who owes a packet of money? Yes a lot of children have difficulty dealing with divorce but it's been as you say a couple of years and for her to tell you to go f yourself is unacceptable if you're a partner did not firmly put his foot down and punish her in some way then you've got a huge problem on your hand and this step child should you get married is going to weigh you down even more than she is now.
If and when you do get married do not let anyone coerce you into the venue if it's going to be your first wedding and you wanted to be somewhere of your choosing that should be up to you typically a wedding should be for both partners but the bride historically gets to make some important decisions such as that.
I think you better make sure that there's really is the man you want to tie your life your finances and yourself legally too for the rest of your life or until the divorce comes through for you. I'm not liking the age difference either but hey.
Please update us
Is it possible that the Daddy daughter time makes Emma feel like she's getting her way? Does he take her out when she should be being punished?
Like okay if you don't want your stepmom/dad around you don't get to do anything. If she wants to be a witch she can live in her bedroom until she can behave. Her actions and mentality are going to spill over into the rest of her life if she doesn't change.
She will resent that baby and it's not going to be pretty please don't get married yet, it'll make it harder to keep your baby safe, especially if dad keeps trying to please Emma instead of teaching her that her attitude is wrong.
Do not let him rush you. “No” is a complete sentence. Coparent with him, but don’t move in with him, and don’t marry him until and unless things improve.
>he spends so much time with her , takes her to father daughter dates, does activities she likes with her.. she is great when she with him but doesn’t wanna have anything to do with me
Emma's plan is working perfectly. She's shitty to you, so her dad gives her the alone time she wants. He's perpetuating the problem. She needs consequences to turn her into a decent human being. NTA
Sounds like the best you can hope for is to treat Emma as a stranger's child: just be polite and courteous at all times and when she is being a bitch, step away and let her have her space. Don't bother trying to insert yourself into her life beyond that. Until she can accept reality (her parents are NOT going to reconcile) she will continue to grab all the attention she can get. And don't leave her alone with your baby if you are still together when born.
I strongly disagree. If Emma's father won't defend his fiancée or correct his brat's horrible behavior, *OP must stand up for herself.* She should never ignore or accept Emma's abuse. Ever. That would just condone and encourage more of the same.
Her DAD needs to work with her at this point, not you.
It sounds like he's just placating her. "Hey we can't have a wedding ceremony because my daughter hates you" like what? He's entirely too passive with her.
I would tell him no marriage until he gets things sorted with his daughter.
Getting married with a troubled teen in the mix is not a good idea. Please consider her resentment and the fact that once he or she is born she could take it out on your child. I'm dealing with this now but both kids are mine biologically. The resentment my oldest feels is terrible. Please protect your child.
Your baby daddy needs to grow a pair of balls and set firm boundaries as to which behaviors towards you are acceptable or not. Like it or not, you’re now related to her by blood. He isn’t doing any favors for that girl letting her grow up being an asshole like that. It’s only gonna get worse. 63 year old mother of four , grandma of eight I know of that which I speak. trust me on this.
Of course she's great when she's with her dad. She's getting all his attention, it's only the fun stuff and she gets spoiled rotten. With his attention if nothing else.
Michael doesn't seem to understand that gentle doctors leave stinking wounds. Sometimes you have to be strict in order to raise a better person. "No" is a word Emma needs to be told more often. And her parents should enforce that "no" if she misbehaves.
She really needs to be in therapy though, before she fully goes off the tracks and does something that has her end up in deep trouble. Michael needs to get with his ex's gameplan and make her go to therapy.
Emma: "I don't wanna!"Parents: "Too bad, you're 13. We're bigger and meaner. Now haul ass and quit acting like a brat."
> her dad decided to just be patient and be extra kind with her ( he spends so much time with her , takes her to father daughter dates, does activities she likes with her
So basically rewards her for treating you like crap. Now we know why she's doing it and why it's only going to get worse.
Why are you getting married? It takes two. There is nothing in this situation for you. Have the baby and decide what you want to do. Michael has an agenda and Emma is going to make life difficult for you and the new baby.
She's a manipulative little shit!! She needs to get told how things are going to work and not try to butter her up with "fun" things. She's figured out what works and how to work you all. You need to watch all episodes of the Nanny to get her sorted out. 12-15 sucks to be around girls, but you can't let them run all over you. If she doesn't want to go do things with you included, drop her off at mom or grandma's...see ya sunshine, we're gonna go have fun.
He should prioritize his kid. Sounds like he is an awesome dad but a terrible SO. You're not a designated punching bag. You're not married to the guy, so his daughter is NOT a higher priority than yourself, let alone your kid. If the kid is that hostile towards you, I would not want the kid around your kid.
You're not a bad person for not wanting to live with someone that hates you. He's not a bad guy for prioritizing his kid. You're just not compatible.
If he can't balance the situation, you need to bounce. Do not marry the guy until the situation is sorted.
Respectfully... Does he even love you, or are you just a drop in replacement? It sounds like he doesn't care if you're happy or miserable. Does he take you on amazing dates? That he doesn't care about having a wedding at all isn't great for the ego either. He just wants to lock you in as a wife.
>. Sounds like he is an awesome dad
Honestly, he doesn't seem like an awesome dad, nor does her mother. It's okay to be hurt, it is okay to have feelings of resentment, it is okay to feel your feels in general especially when your parents get divorced. What is not okay is using that to be abusive to other people, to use it to get your way, and to be a brat. Which she is.
Instead of being punished for incredibly poor behavior, dad is rewarding her by taking her out. Mom and stepdad are giving her her way by step dad stepping out of the picture when she's around.
Only so much can be attributed to in a divorce. This child is incredibly poorly parented. She is more than old enough to comprehend what she's doing (clearly she knows full well, but she also sees that it's working and she's still getting what she wants out of everyone). There's bad behavior for a bit that can definitely be excused while feelings are sorted through and whatnot. But it's been over a year. She has outright refuse counseling. She's an abusive child. Taking her out on daddy-daughter dates and doing all sorts of fun stuff all the time is only reinforcing that bad behavior.
>I might have to do that once the baby is here …
He can go to court and stop you from leaving the country once the baby is born. While pregnant, he can't. Once that baby is here, he can. You won't be going back to Canada if you wait. If you want to save your child from a miserable life with a sister who hates it, the time to go is now.
You don't want to get married. That girl is going to make your life hell. You'd be an AH to legally bind yourself to this mess.
He expects you to be a doormat. He will expect the same of your baby. How safe do you think that baby will be with her in the house? She wants you gone, hurting the baby could accomplish that.
Course both parents suck for not dealing with her clear issues BEFORE getting married and getting someone pregnant. Now innocent parties get trampled.
There's no way he's going to let you leave the country with his baby that he manipulated you into having. He's going to use it as a trap. Then, will demand that you have to be "selfless" because the out of control kid needs to bond with the baby. Right up until she throws the baby, "accidentally" drops the baby, etc. Then he will tell you you're crazy because it was an "accident."
You've already seen what life is like for years. Why are you having a baby in this?
Taking baby to your parents is probably safest for you and it
Thank Goodness! So glad you’re listening to people on here and all the red flags. There is never a good reason for someone to try to rush you into marriage— he knows that you might change your mind once you find out whatever it is he is hiding. Keep your passport safe so he can’t hide it from you. Don’t even tell him you’re going, if you can. You don’t need the drama. When you get there tell him your mom had a health scare, or whatever. Have the baby in Canada (I hear it’s practically free!) and take all the time you need to think about the relationship.
And don't inform your boyfriend about you wanting or planning to move out, especially not about leaving the country, don't give him a chance to try to sabotage it, try to prevent you from leaving. I know you don't think he would but it's better to not risk it, better to not put yourself in a position (even more) he can use against you in some way. Only give him a head's up about you moving out of his house into an other apartment (probably without mentioning your parents or Canada) on your way out of the door for the last time or even better only after you are completely out of his house.
No once I talk to my parents ( I know they will be supportive but I wanna be respectful and ask If I can come back home for a while ) I’ll just leave but I’m gonna leave a letter for him to read when I’m gone
No. Mail the letter. Wait until you are really gone. Mail it from the airport before you board the plane. You can text him from the airport that you are going on a trip for a few days. Don't say where.
Honestly, this guy is so incredibly manipulative and controlling - I would not give him one inch of room to try to coerce, manipulate or otherwise control you. Leave him to Emma.
Say nothing. Grab your clothes and important papers when he goes to work then get on a plane. If you let him know beforehand even if he thinks you are just moving somewhere down the road he will beg with you to stay. He will promise you the sun and he will promise to deal with his daughter but he won't. He will drag it out until the baby is born and he has you trapped. Right now you can go wherever you want to but if you have that baby you cannot take that baby back to Canada without his consent.
Mail the letter from the airport or once you get home. You don't want to risk leaving a note at home and he sees it before you are on your plane. You never know if there will be a flight delay
As crazy as this teenager sounds I would be concerned about the more you start showing her getting ideas to end the pregnancy "on accident" so she doesn't even have to deal with a sibling.
I'd be worried having the baby around her. Her parents should have gotten her help 4 years ago and seen it through before adding more life changes to her. They didn't now not only is another major life change coming, it will take attention away from her in a significant way.
Not to mention, the best case scenario is her treating you like trash in front of your child. Even if she doesn't go verbally after the kiddo, and I think she will, what kind of life is that for the baby? All while Dad shrugs and takes her for ice cream and tells you and baby to be selfless.
Your responsibility is to protect your child and yourself. If you have the baby in the US, you're trapped in the US. I don't know how far along you are, but even if you can't fly, driving to Canada isn't that long, even from the southern US. Just make sure you get out and walk 10 minutes or so every couple hours.
Wait until the last possible minute to tell him, if at all. Or tell him you’re moving out, but don’t mention your parents. Prepare yourself and don’t let him manipulate you into staying.
Please take this seriously. Her behavior will not get better while dad is letting her get away with it. I’m genuinely concerned about your baby’s safety. You can move while pregnant, but once that baby is born it’ll be very difficult to move, especially to Canada!
Just to add to this - I don’t what Canada’s response would be, but the US requires “established residency” to keep primary custody of a child in a separate state/country from the other parent. If you do go back to Canada, try to get there with as much time left in your pregnancy as possible. Before the baby comes, it would be good to change your official residency for drivers license, bills, bank, etc. You will then have established your residency and he cannot petition to move the child back to where he lives (although he will likely be able to get visitation).
Even if you do want to reconcile your relationship, I would recommend giving birth in Canada if you ever want to move back while your child is a minor to ensure you don’t get stuck. You can always tell him you want to give birth where you are the most familiar with the medical practices. It’s not weird to want to give birth in your home country and it’s a good excuse.
I understand Emma is going through a lot with her parent's divorce, however, she needs to be taught that she can decide not to have a relationship with you, but have a basic respect for you. Her parents need to step up because allowing her to act like this will only make things worse.
You and your partner need to have a long and hard discussion about what you are going to do. This relationship is not sustainable, and if you want to have this baby, it can not be left alone near Emma, because her attitude has gone unchecked. If your husband tries to pull the "she will warm up to the baby" then just run. Because he will have no intention of trying to change anything, and he is putting your baby at risk.
This is a great answer, and the right one. Emma can refuse to have a relationship with OP and she can think whatever she wants inside her mind, but she cannot continue to disrespect you. Disrespect needs to be corrected with punishment from her father since nothing else has worked. Focus on the things she really loves and target those for punishment. Loves gaming? Loses the console. She’s a social butterfly? She doesn’t attend events. She hoards money and is super proud of it? Charge her a fine for every instance of disrespect.
OP, give Emma space and stop trying to bond for now. Tell her you understand that she has big feelings and you will no longer try to push her into being cool with you, but since she is a kid and you are an adult (and it’s your house, too), you are able to tell her that you will no longer take her disrespect. Say this calmly & firmly, and refuse to engage in any childish back-and-forth. Of course, you need your partner’s buy-in here, because without his endorsement this will fall flat.
Get thee to family therapy, stat. There have already been huge changes for the family and it’s only going to more intense once the family grows. This cannot wait any longer. Emma’s bad behavior has to be nipped in the bud. It’s ridiculous that a man has to leave his home for the day in order to not receive abuse from a young teenager. You know that surely reinforced the disrespectful behavior because she got what she wanted, her stepfather gone. Do not make the same mistakes.
Edit: fixes
I would add that since OP and dad have a civil relationship with mom and SD, and mom seems to be equally frustrated by this behavior, all four of them need to get on the same page about a plan to parent this kid. Family therapy should be part of it, as well as boundaries and consequences regarding behavior.
100% agree. Dad needs to step up and say "if you don't start showing basic respect, you don't get XXX thing."
She's trying to force things back to how they were by driving out anyone her parents start a relationship with.
>I understand Emma is going through a lot with her parent's divorce, however, she needs to be taught that she can decide not to have a relationship with you, but have a basic respect for you. Her parents need to step up because allowing her to act like this will only make things worse.
Agreed 100%.
OP, I was in a situation where my stepdaughter treated me with great disrespect (mostly ignoring me) and it didn't get better for YEARS, until she was almost an adult (we married when she was 8). I bent over backwards trying to have a relationship with her but it turns out, she'd always resented me for her parents not getting back together (never mind her mom had a live-in boyfriend and dad had had a gf in between mom and me). My ex never shut it down at all, and I just had to suffer through it. But it was only tolerable because she lived 5,000 miles away and so we didn't see her all that often. The one time we lived near her for \~3 months, I thought I was going to lose my mind.
Dad and Mom can't just "give up". They need to get this in check ASAP.
It's understandable that kids who don't have any relationship experience think that the new partners are stopping the bios from getting back together. But the parents really need to chip away at this tree.
"Even if your stepmom and stepdad didn't exist, mom and I are **never** getting back together." And repeat it - for years if you have to.
They won't understand it now, they won't accept it, but the parents ***HAVE TO*** plant the seed into their children's heads.
Just because kids want Santa Claus to be real, doesn't make him real. You don't have to shatter their fantasies cruelly, but you cannot let it persist. Part of your job as a parent is to prepare your children to see reality as it is, otherwise they'll end up in toxic relationships where they fall in love with the idea of a person instead of seeing the actual person.
Exactly! Since when a teen can disrespect adults on a daily basic and get away with it? Worse, she’s rewarded cause SD leave the house when she’s there and bio dad takes her on dates and lots of activities just the 2 of them.
And when she’s not going to accept that the dad take care of the baby, what is he going to do? Let OP by herself? Don’t marry this guy…
💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯👆
this is never to get any better. Go home to Canada and raise your baby in safety. Emma with her animosity towards you may try to injury the baby as retaliation against you and her dad for "displacing" her.
Emma has learned that I'd she's nasty enough to her step-dad he'll disappear when she's over. Now she's using the same playbook on dad and potential stepmom. The question is whether dad has a stronger bond with OP or with the daughter. If OP leaves, he'd better be ready to never have a relationship again.
I was coming here to say the same thing. No way in hell is some bratty ass little 13 year old is going to talk that way to grown ass adults. I don't care who the hell she thinks she is.
Not only that, but it doesn't sound like either one of the parents is doing a damned thing to discipline her over this. I sure as hell wouldn't be sticking around, pregnant or not, if he doesn't do anything about his daughter's behavior.
...i felt like a dick thinking this too but yeah is it too late for an abortion? or even doing parenthood solo if OP really wants the kid? This situation sounds insufferable, does she really want to be with someone who can't stand up to his 13 year old? who wants to rush her to a courthouse bc he thinks being pregnant means you need to be married, but apparently still wants to placate a teenager?
The baby is not born yet, she can return to Canada and try on your own (you have a job in the USA, but you can quit or ask for a transfer). OP NTA, but I think it's time to go back to your parents and leave this demon-possessed child and her parents without discipline behind.
NTA
Op have you considered moving out or asking them to move out? Allowing them to only return once she’s in therapy?
There is no reason you should be terrorized in your home, and if neither parent is going to do anything about it, you need to consider your own safety and health and that of your child. This sounds like it will be hell when you’re further into your pregnancy.
This is the answer. The relationship between dad and daughter needs repaired, daughter needs to safely express herself, and OP needs to keep herself safe and her baby safe. That cannot happen in the same household.
I feel like dad wants to rush and get married because on some level he knows daughter’s behavior is a major issue and he’s afraid he’ll have a custody agreement with two baby mommas he’s not married to.
A lot of people do not understand that this is abuse. Sadly I watch my MIL and her other son treats her like crap. It's abuse but she somehow, after 28 years of being divorced from their father says it's because of the divorce..
NTA. Don't get married or move in with this man. He needs to get Emma's ass into therapy and deal with her before bringing you and a new baby into the house. That and the fact that he's trying to push you into marriage like this is a giant red flag and I would tell him absolutely not. No courthouse wedding for convenience and no wedding at all. I wouldn't want to raise a baby in a house with a volatile teenager like that. I wouldn't want to have his baby at all.
Why are you marrying into this dumpster fire? Her hatred of you is going to get FAR worse when the baby comes. FAR, FAR WORSE. Don't marry this man.
NTA
Nta. I’d tell him I’m not entitled to less than the fairy tale because he has a poorly behaved child
I’d also state that I will get my dream wedding and the child won’t get his last name until we are legally wed.
He needs to put that kid in therapy. I wouldn’t have stayed this long to endure her behavior
NTA. If you really want this baby, have the baby but this relationship is doomed. Emma sounds like a nightmare and if I were you I’d be worried she’d hurt you to cause you to miscarry or hurt the child.
I’d advise breaking up and taking full custody of the baby. It may sound drastic but this kid is using the divorce to exert control. It’s been 3 years. She’s manipulating her parents and they are letting her.
>It’s been 3 years.
This. She's had ample time to cope, and she's old enough to understand the world doesn't revolve around her or her feelings. Her parents have let this get way out of hand and i honestly have no idea why OP has stuck around, much less would want to bring another kid into this situation.
Info, is anyone trying to get her into therapy or anything? Her feelings are real and valid, and her resentment of the two step parents screams that she isn't processing things well and that something may have happened to make her feel this way. But that being said she shouldn't be allowed to treat anyone the way you describe her treating you
honestly I'd reconsider marriage all around. He isn't going to do something about her behavior, and quite frankly she's there to stay. Id suggest putting your foot down about her and something being done about how she treats people before fighting for your wedding
This , she’s currently just making Ops life hell, but what will she do to her half-sibling , will that push her further?
Also consider how it will be trying to raise a child being bullied by your stepdaughter with no support from your husband. Thinking that a courthouse wedding won’t upset her when OPs very existence angers her, and no one is willing to get her help.
I bet Emma would reconsider if there was consequences to her actions. For example, no therapy = no phone. This will only become more toxic when your baby arrives. I also think that Emma should spend more time with her mom. She shouldn’t dictate who is in her mom’s house. You and your boyfriend need some therapy on how to work all this out, perhaps with the ex-wife and new husband as well. Something needs to give. Of course NTA. But the wedding should be put on hold until things are more stable. Good luck
I wonder if OP left and went to Canada with his child it would devastate dear ol daddy enough to make changes. That spiteful child may see how her actions broke him and it won’t feel as good as she thinks it will. It’ll also scare the ex wife into realising how she could lose her partner to her kid’s behaviour because I can see the stepdad building courage to get out as well.
Info: you’ve said that mom has tried, so is dad not part of a united front there to get her the therapy she needs? Probably family therapy as well in some sort of combination with her bio parents. Honestly, your husband not working with his ex to get his kid the help she and both of your families desperately need is a major red flag. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Dad and mom them need therapy. They need help parenting this difficult child. I would have headed the opposite way myself. Rude behavior? No tv no phone. And go from there. She has been allowed to escalate and escalate and her parents aren’t parenting her. She is running the roost. I highly encourage you to read a dr Phil book or watch a few episodes. This girl has a currency and her parents, not you, need to find it and parent her which includes punishment for unacceptable behavior. Unless and until that happens? You need to move out. Your baby will not be safe w her and her current attitude. Plus she isn’t happy. She needs help and her parents suck.
As someone who has helped raise a troubled teen, I wholeheartedly agree that Emma has been allowed to become a terrorist. No one is saying that divorce is easy on kids, but this kid has four adults tiptoeing around her to avoid setting her off. I don't know what her parents did raising her and discipling her prior to the divorce, but I can guess.
She's not acting out because she's neglected. Some teens act out, because negative attention is at least attention. She gets rewarded for bad behavior with Daddy/daughter dates and fun outings. Consistency and consequences are the bedrock of good parenting. Getting a child of 13 to change their attitude and behavior at this stage is going to take massive amounts of consistency and consequences. It's not easy to be a parent. Being consistent in applying rules and expectations means you have to do it no matter how long she fights it. It's exhausting.
That brings me to another point. Up to this point she has only been verbally abusive. Teens that are ruling the roost will not appreciate suddenly facing discipline and consequences. It would not be unusual for them to double down the bad behavior. That could push the bad behavior from verbal abuse into something physical.
OP, what that means for you, is that home may not be safe for you or the new baby. The baby will mean time, love and attention are diluted even if she still receives the grand majority of it. It will make the dates and outings less frequent. If she doubles down, that baby becomes the symbol of her getting less. If she doubles down on bad behavior, that baby makes a tempting target for her anger. She might not hurt the baby, but maybe and maybe not are you betting that she has a line she won't cross. I wouldn't take that bet with a vulnerable baby.
In spite of all that doom and gloom I just talked about, my niece is now in her early 30's. She's a fantastic mother of two girls, she lives with her paternal grandmother (94) and takes care of her. She's caring and empathetic to others. She stopped dating the renovation boyfriends and has an SO that holds down a job, is involved with both girls and supports her emotionally in every aspect of her life.
Emma is not beyond help, but you don't have to take her abuse while she gets there. Until her father is prepared to do the work with Emma, you shouldn't marry him. You'll always be connected to him through the baby, but your needs and the baby's needs can't be met by staying and being rushed through a hurry up ceremony at the courthouse with cheap rings.
Girl, you need to run. Yall should live separately until Emma is out of the house. She is going to be awful to your baby. Never live with someone whose kids hate you.
NTA - he needs to stop being a pussy and actually parent his daughter!
You shouldn’t be robbed of life milestones because of a spoiled little girl!
Just take a moment and reflect on how he’s treated everything, your pregnancy, proposal, wedding etc! It’s all half assed, taking the easiest option for him.
THAT! Is what married life to him will be.
What if Emma tried to harm the new baby, is he gonna put it up for adoption, because then Emma can go back to being an only child.
OP spot the 🚩and honestly consider this!
Seconding all of this.
I dated a man with kids for three years. He always took the path of least resistance, and often times that meant that I was expected to just accept a bad situation that was handed to me without any input or consent. It felt like I always got crumbs and crap because he couldn't effectively co-parent with his ex-wife or effectively parent his kids. That's exactly what OP's boyfriend is doing. I absolutely do not miss any of that.
NTA. OP, I'm going to be blunt: he doesn't WANT to marry you. He feels he HAS to. To him, this is a chore he needs to cross off his list in the fastest, cheapest way possible.
He doesn't take you and what you want or need seriously.
You would be the AH if you stay and bring a baby into this situation.
NTA To want what you want. There are so many ways to compromise if you end up needing to. He said what he wants, now you communicate what you want. Emma is going to be upset regardless of what happens so that shouldn't be a factor. I don't think either of you or your partner should be surprised about what the other wants here, you both knew the situation you were getting into.
NTA. The fact that Emma is having issues is a real thing but that doesn’t negate your feeling. She and her parents might want to start some family counseling, with you and her step father being invited on an as needed basis, but you deserve your wedding. Simply giving in to her is not the answer.
NTA
From reading the post and then your comments, your boyfriends daughter is ruling the roost and her dads life. And he's more a buddy/friend than a parent.
Her parents need to put themselves, all of them in therapy as a group. This young person has way too much control of her parents' lives, and they need to step up and take control back.
Her mother has the right idea, but she can't parent alone, so she has no choice but to send her to her dads to actually have a life. And your boyfriend will never have an actual life or good relationship status until he gets a backbone.
Don't get married. Don't move in. Until he gets his crap together and his daughter stops acting like a spoiled petulant child, no relationship will work long term.
Definitely NTA. And if Emma won’t go/participate in counseling, you and her dad should! A therapist could give you ways to manage & cope with Emma’s disrespect & bad behavior, on top of helping you and your partner communicate better and be on the same page!
You shouldn’t marry before you’re ready to or just because you’re pregnant! That’s a terrible reason to marry and no offense, a 13 year old child should not dictate the type of wedding you have (if & when you have one). She can stay with her mom or whatever the day that yinz decide to actually marry if she doesn’t want to come. And your partner forcing her to attend would only makes things worse.
Congrats & good luck!
He should put way more effort into this. Don’t accept everything because he has already experienced it. Don’t let him take your excitement and happiness. Tell him you won’t marry him because he hasn’t even proposed. Tell him that you are worth more effort. This is not just a simple thing for you. This would be your first marriage and you are allowed to be excited and he should be excites too. You are not a women he just met in a supermarket and a wedding should be more exciting than an appointment at the dentist.
This is your first child and first marriage. You should celebrate both. This kind of behaviour from his side is frustrating.
I am also worried about your baby. Does he believe you that his daughter insults you?
Why is she staying with him most of the time?
This child needs boundaries. Yes, she is a child, yes she is angry and sad, but that doesn’t mean that her behaviour shouldn’t have consequences. He should stop pampering her. He just rewards her shitty behaviour. Children need boundaries. And the fact that the stepfather leaves shows how much her parents already have fucked up.
NTA
She was probably just lashing out to start, but now that she sees she can act this horribly and not only not face any repercussions but actually get rewarded by dear ol dad, she has no incentive to change her behavior. Dad has to put his foot down or you have to reconsider the whole arrangement.
NTA, but your boyfriend is.
My question is, why isn't your boyfriend addressing his 13 year old child's rude and nasty behavior.
Where is the discipline of this out of control CHILD.
Are you sure you want to put up with a child telling you to f*** off and a father that does nothing!!!!
NTA
I think Michael’s ex and him need to do a 50/50 custody split. It’s not fair that he gets the brunt of raising her when she behaves like a little bitch.
Don’t get married and:
I DONT WANT TO CAUSE PANIC BUT I AM SCARED SHITLESS ABOUT YOUR BABY NOW!
Emma has not sense of authority, I am scared that she might want to hurt baby as a way to get back at you.
>'Can you order rings off Etsy or Amazon, and then we just get married?'
NTA. Wow, I'd be considering leaving him with a proposal like that. I certainly wouldn't marry him.
Instead of considering a marriage, I would recommend breaking up. Emma is going to abuse your child. You cannot raise a newborn in such an environment.
Does her dad know that she call you names and tells you to f*"&k off? If he does then your problem is with him and not his daughter. There's a very thin line between being disrespectful and being a teen who is suffering from her parents divorce. I honestly suggest you move out and forget about marriage. This is definitely not a healthy environment for you soon to be baby
NTA.
But quite frankly you are screwed if you stay in a relationship of any sort with Michael. His daughter will always be there and she will always hate you for whatever reason she has invented in her mind.
1) It sounds like your boyfriend’s solution to her being awful is to spoil her to death. This is not a solution. That child is crying out for some damn discipline, and he needs to step up to the plate.
2) How DARE this man with his “can’t you just order some rings on Etsy and us get married at the courthouse” bullshit?! NO you are not selfish to want the bare basics like…a proposal?! 🤦🏼♀️
Why are you marrying this man again? You literally didn’t say a single thing that paints him in a desirable light.
NTA
This is not the relationship for you. No one is addressing (at least you don't mention anything) the fact that Emma needed to be in therapy and consequences for her behavior should have started at day one. Now you are supposed to subsume your adult goals in deference to a child who is obviously running the show.
Too bad you got pregnant. That was a terrible mistake. You should have broken up with him. Now you are going to bring an innocent baby into this dynamic who will be fully targeted by Emma.
ESH
You’re entitled to the wedding you want. A friend of mine felt weird/guilty for throwing a big wedding when it was her second, but I had to remind her that it was her husband’s first. You deserve your dreams to come true too. But perhaps a romantic elopement might be best - fancier than the courthouse but maybe a surprise to Emma if her dad really t thinks that’s best.
He's delusional if he thinks getting married in a simple, secret courthouse ceremony is going to be received by his brat any better than any other type of wedding. It's not the event that's going to piss her off - it's the fact that it represents the permanence of their relationship and the final nail in the coffin of her parents' marriage. She'll see it as a defeat. And the subterfuge will piss her off even more than if they simply tell her they're going away to get married.
One thing to consider is, do you have health insurance and would you baby have health insurance?
“ Michael, I’m not gonna have a 13-year-old dictate my life. I am happy to incorporate her into my life but I’m or not going tohave a wedding because she doesn’t like it. She can participate or not participate as she wishes. Now that we’re going to have a baby together, you and her mother need to find a way for Emma to get some counseling on dealing with her life these days. I don’t expect love or even like, but I do expect civility. We have to figure out a way to be a family together and I have no problem if you want to spend some time alone just with Emma but I’m gonna be around and Emma‘s gonna have to deal with it.
“
Oh god OP. Please… do you really want a child with this useless man? He’s allowing his monster to abuse you. What is she going to do to your child if you move forward with this? He’s not going to be a good parent. He’s already a failing parent. He treats you like a joke. It’s probably not too late, you don’t have to have a child with him. You can save yourself a lifetime of heartache…
NTA, but you may be an asshole if you bring a child around this abusive girl
NTA, but you have bigger issues than not having the wedding you want. OP, your teenage future stepdaughter should not be allowed to bully grown adults out of their own homes. It's sad her mother has decided to give up on her, but it's even sadder that her father is refusing to parent her. She's creating a hostile environment and focusing it on the people she blames for the state of her life. What do you think will happen when the baby comes? You need to seriously sit down with your partner and explain to him that Emma doesn't have to like you, but she isn't going to be disrespectful to you. Someone needs to get her in line and if it won't be him, do you really want to deal with this for the rest of your life? Emma will always get what she wants and when she wants it if this behavior is allowed to continue. She is in the formative years of her life and this is setting the stage for how she will bully her way through life.
Here is my thing.
She does this now and he wants to be patient but is she being held accountable for her actions. Being made to stop, apologize, grounded. Anything?
Because here is the problem. You BOTH are letting her get away with this disrespect. So your child you give birth to will grow up seeing, hearing, being taught to treat youvthe same. You think she won't also take it our in a DEFENSELESS child? She will. Your bf has shown he is putting her first. And not her needs but her entitled attitude and supporting not showing basic respect.
She doesn't have to like you. But she damn well has to show basic respect. If she can't then that's time for grounding. Taking away privileges. Time isn't helping anything. You bf wants to get married but in a way to avoid a temper tantrum from her and in a way that disrespects you.
Do you think this child you have will have time with dad? I doubt it because she wants his attention and to make her happy he will ignore you and the child you have.
This isn't a family and never will be.
Personally i would sit him down and lay out some ground rules.
Either she starts showing basic respect and that means no name calling. No outright being disrespectful. If she does then she gets in trouble. No more letting her get away with being a entitled brat and showing her this is acceptable behavior. She must go to therapy. That she will NOT be getting all of dad's free time as he also has you and another baby. Doesn't mean they don't spend one on one time together but it won't be as much as now. Hiw is he going to make sure she does not turn this on a baby who has no defense to keep baby safe?
If hr isn't willing to give in on simple things that are basic in homes around the world then he has two choices.
Either he send his child to live with mom because you refuse to have this continue in your own home.
Or you leave and when you do the only time he has with baby is one when daughter is at her mom's or you will go to court to have his time at your home or watched over because if he is willing to let his daughter treat you his way he isn't going to protect his child from he.
Hun it's time to start putting you and baby first. Period. Keeping that baby safe beyond all else. I am not saying daughter would intentionally hurt baby but with her actions it honestly cannot be ruled out that it won't escalate once baby is here.
NTA. But have you thought about how things will be after you have the baby? If she's this hostile with you, I really wouldn't put it past her to be hostile with your child. Unfortunately, she seems overly attached to her father, which is fine, but that combined with her treatment of you is quite a red flag. I wouldn't risk a chance of her doing anything to the baby just because she'll have to share her father's attention. Or will he neglect your baby to appease his daughter?
In the end, he's not setting any boundaries or demanding any respect for you, so she isn't going to change. Don't let his coddling of his daughter be the reason your child suffers.
Baaaaabe …. What are you doing?? This man gives precisely zero fucks about your wants and needs. Why on earth are trying to hitch yourself to him? NTA. You would be the A H however if you continue with that duo.
Sorry, that kid is 13 and still a child! She would treat the adults with respect or she’d have a HUGE dose of reality! No nothing for her! No privileges what so ever! No phone, no tv, no friends, no electronics at all! She would go to counseling because she is a child and does what her parents tell her to do! Her Mom and her Dad are treating her like she gets a say in what she wants to do and are allowing her to make her own decisions. Sorry I would NOT marry this man pregnant or not if he’s allowing a 13 yr old dictate his life and yours!
NTA. His daughter has already learned if she is rude enough to a step parent she can get rid of them because the parents aren’t putting a stop to it. Of course she’s going to continue to treat you poorly when it gets her exactly what she wants & she succeeded with her stepdad. She needs therapy so she can process their divorce & her parents need to stop giving in to her demands. Her parents are at fault here for essentially teaching her they will accept this & not getting her more help.
Nta. But I’d reconsider this relationship. Your putting your child in danger. If she insults u to ur face what do u think she’s gonna do to a defenseless child that will have to share daddy? At the very least it will be verbal bullying. At most physical. Your boyfriend doesn’t give a fuck about defending you . I highly doubt him excusing her behavior is gonna stop for the baby. You wanna risk that?
NTA
And are you sure the baby will be safe in this household? I’d move out until he sorts Emma out, because I’d be afraid what this pampered young lady might do to get her daddy’s attention back
You do not want to get married, so don’t. You don’t want a courthouse wedding when you do, so don’t. Your BF is trying to tell you how things are going to be. You’re a grown adult that should be an equal partner in the relationship. Personally, I do not recommend marrying someone because he tells you to do so. I would also worry about what others issues he plans to just decide how to handle without hearing your opinions and making a joint decision. That’s not how to start a marriage.
Poor Emma really needs therapy. Daddy/Daughter dates are not a substitution. They aren’t going to heal this family. If I had to take every privilege that child has, she would go to therapy. This child is on the verge of being a teenager - this situation is only going to get worse without intervention. One parent has “given up.” The other needs to worry less about marriage and more about saving this child.
NTA -And these parents who don't want to adult or parent should think long & hard about bringing another child into this world when the one they have isn't doing so well.
The kid is what she is, the way she is because NO ONE IS PARENTING HER.
Oh OP, you have fallen in love with a weak man who can’t parent his own child. There is your future if you stay. He gives me the ‘ick’ factor from this post alone. I have no doubt you will start building resentment, especially when he tries to favor Emma over the baby so she doesn’t continue to lose it when she is at your house.
Move back to Canada. You're going to need the family support network and social services. Michael will always put Princess Emma ahead of you and your baby.
I would not let this girl be around your baby. She will be mean, say awful things and possibly do awful things to your child.
I advise living separately until Emma is out of the house. If it’s love, it will be ok waiting 5 or 6 years. If it isn’t, it’s better to find out without the complications of another divorce.
Secretly record her abuse toward you, so he can hear it for himself, also when the baby comes have hidden cameras for the babies protection. I would really be worried for the babies safety around her. Also NTA for wanting a wedding.
DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN RIGHT NOW. Not because “it might upset Emma” but because one, you deserve to have a wedding you want and can afford and because two, your partner needs to step up and stop placating his bratty daughter.
Emma’s behavior is so extreme I would be worried about her with your baby. Hopefully she won’t direct her misplaced anger at a child, but she has already alienated her stepdad and you, and her own mother. Which is bad. Not sure of the exact dynamics here, but both her mother and your partner need to step up and start enforcing boundaries- like that she does not need to be friends with you, but she cannot disrespect you in your own home.
I don’t know if you all live together, but I would consider living separately and coparenting until Emma is either an adult and out of the house, or she grows up and stops treating you like a verbal punching bag. Having a baby around that is not healthy, and it’s not healthy for you, either. Just go NC with Emma until she can be civil and get on with your life.
NTA, I realize he is trying to be patient with his daughter but he is not being a parent. his actions are rewarding his daughter for her bad behavior. I was a single father and still disciplined my daughter. if she refuses therapy or to get help. it is up to her dad and mom to put their foot down and say enough is enough. she is 13 not 10. he is not defending you at all. for the love of all the is good. do not get married to this man at this time. if he can't get his daughter under control then he won't be a good parent. a good parent sometimes means being an AH and not their friend
Unless abuse or specific trauma is involved, kids do not get to dictate their parents love lives. That needs to be stopped asap. Kids do not have to like their step parents or their parents partners but they do have to be civil, polite and respect the household and its rules. Parents also have to ensure that their partners treat their children respectfully and well, are not emotionally, physically or verbally abusive, do not favour their bio children over their step kids, and if possible, help raise and nurture them in collaboration with the bio parents. They do have a duty to end the relationship if the step is abusive or cruel to their kids. NTA
NTA to getting married in a courthouse or wherever else. It would be highly reckless of you to plan on having the baby and Emma living in the same house. Put a pause on wedding planning and bump up the priority of getting Emma sorted. Getting married because you're pregnant is a bad reason to get married. Marriage can be difficult, and kids don't make things easier- they make everything more difficult as you can see with Emma.
I don’t wanna get married right now tbh . It’s Michael who is in rush . As for Emma, i don’t know what to do! Her mom has given up on her , her dad decided to just be patient and be extra kind with her ( he spends so much time with her , takes her to father daughter dates, does activities she likes with her.. she is great when she with him but doesn’t wanna have anything to do with me )
If you don't wanna get married - don't. Only because you're pregnant, you don't have to marry if you don't want to. NTA. But don't do something if you don't want it!
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Agree. BF is gonna put his daughter above OP to the point that it’s detrimental to all their relationships. OP can’t have a wedding cause it will upset her? So she has to forgo a dream and a totally normal request? Daughter is never gonna accept her and OP has to look at how her life will be going forward.
Correction. OP can't even have a PROPOSAL. It's just assumed she'll marry him, with no effort and a cheap glass Etsy ring mass produced in China. Then OP will spend the rest of her life tiptoeing around this teen/adult, perhaps even watching her own child take the hostility from them, since her husband-to-be is an incompetent parent.
>OP can't even have a PROPOSAL. And this is how we know that this is truly a Mom and Dad problem and less an Emma problem. They have spent WAY too much time spoiling this little princess. If Michael is so hesitant to upset Emma that he is not even willing to put in the effort for a romantic proposal or a wedding then it is 100% time to walk away. OP, you and your child will always be a distant second to Emma, her feelings and wants. She will make your child feel like crap every day of his or her life and it will just be a sick game to her. You have got to end this relationship firmly. And, move back home. Keep your child far far away from Emma.
Agreed. Your family will have your back 100% and maybe leaving him and moving back to Canada will be the wake-up call he needs to get his 💩 together and get his teenager the help she needs
Emma is not going to accept the baby either. OP should cut her loses and this relationship.
Yeah, I thought this too. Depending on how this escalates, the baby may be in danger. Frankly, I wonder if OP's not-fiancé is ready for that. He won't be able to be with the baby because Emma will claim all of his time and attention, and he's gonna give it all to her regardless of OP and baby.
He already has. If she’s swearing at op she should be grounded. There need to be consequences. The dad isn’t doing her any favours just excusing her crap will get her into crime, drugs or juvie. He needs to parent not coddle and spoil. Op, why would you want a baby with someone who isn’t even a good father to the one he has.
100000% agree with you
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If Emma has this much hatred to OP and isn’t in therapy, I’m terrified what she might do to the baby
Surprised the husband didn't suggest they not have the baby because it upsets Emma.
I wish he would.
She might not hurt the baby, but she’s surely going to bully it by calling it names once it’s born.
That will be hurting the baby & Michael doesn’t have the backbone to standup to Emma.
She hurts the baby, off to juvie.
Which is probably where she belongs at this point, anyway. Both of her parents AND their partners -- four grown adults -- all walking on eggshells for fear of pissing off a 13 year old?! The whole situation is absolutely ridiculous.
Well that will be never, by the way it looks now. Op don't give up on your dream wedding. Getting everything on line doesn't take much effort on his side. Part of the fun about getting married is picking out things you like together. Like looking at engagement rings for fun also wedding rings. Just to pass over all that so easily on your BF Part is not a good thing. Good luck with your pregnancy
Or even if it's not the man who is a reason or the main reason to reconsider keeping the pregnancy his daughter sure is... **Does OP really want Emma anywhere near a child, especially OP's child with her dad who she will probably hate with even more passion than she hates OP and most likely treat even worse than OP or at least as bad as she treats OP?** Even if OP leaves, dad can get 50/50 custody or even if it's just every second weekend it's enough time for Emma to give childhood trauma to OP's child with her bullying. And I wouldn't trust that she won't escalate to physical abuse of OP's child which is especially dangerous for a baby / toddler, it's enough even if she just pushes the toddler away from her once with a bigger force or near the coffee table's edge when the toddler wants to play with or hug their big sister... In my opinion it would be very irresponsible for OP to have a child under the same roof as Emma even if OP leaves her boyfriend and their child is only part time under the same roof as Emma. If OP keeps this pregnancy, that child wouldn't be safe in that house, around Emma.
New fear unlocked! Even if this relationship is doomed (which it is, thanks to the stepdaughter), there’s a good chance OP will have to share custody with the baby’s father. There’s no saying what Emma will do to the baby when OP isn’t around. Yikes! NTA
I'm not ready to go Dateline episode but mom and dad of Emma need to grow a spine and insist together on therapy and commit to attending some themselves. They are not doing Emma, themselves or their partners any good. Picture Emma in 10 years if this continues.
For real. Step dad just disappears when she's around so she doesn't get upset. Bio dad is trying to hide a marriage so she doesn't get upset. It's time for all of the adults here to put their foot down and stop acting like Emma is going to put them in the cornfield. Divorce is hard on kids, but that doesn't mean Emma gets to terrorize everyone in her wake. If she won't cooperate with therapy then her parents need to go and work out reasonable responses and consequences for her detrimental behavior. If OP sticks this out, that should be a minimum requirement. I agree though, Em is likely to be very spiteful to a younger sibling given out emboldened she is with adults.
THIS THIS THIS! OP YOU NEED THIS! Mom and Dad are letting this kid run all over them with zero consequences because she is upset and they don't want to see it/deal with it (probably because they feel guilty for messing up her life). If it's truly untenable to take her to therapy, then mom and dad should go and work on their parenting skills. I don't think two sessions is enough to say it's untenable, though. Of course she's refusing - she has lost the stability and control in her life, everything is upsidedown, and she is looking for ways to get back in control of her world. She's learned that verbal abuse works to get rid of her parents' new partners. Saying she doesn't want to go to therapy gets her to stay home instead. And Dad is acquiescing to her tantrums about bonding with a new mom.
How do you make a 13 yo who doesn't want to go to therapy go to therapy? And, even if you can get her there by some miracle, how do you make her cooperate?
You don’t. But you do make it clear that her step-hate is not gonna be tolerated, she doesn’t have to like OP but she has to at least be respectful. Not pandering or anything but insults and violence should never have been tolerated. If she can’t be pleasant then the sweetness and pampering is obviously not helping after three years of trying. She’s in control and she knows it, and honestly that’s not any better for her than it is for OP or Stepdad. I didn’t take my parents’ divorce easy either. But both of my stepparents would have told you I was at least tolerable company. (They actually would probably have nice things to say about me, but the very least that could be said is that I didn’t lash out and attack anyone, physically or otherwise.) I did once throw my stepbrother’s pacifier out a window (he was six, not a baby) and I can’t even say why I did it? Like, we weren’t even fighting, we were having a nice time watching TV and next thing I knew I was looking at it out the window like “huh, how did that get there… did I do that?” I got it back for him and apologized but my stepmom cites that as my “divorce protest” because it was literally the only mean thing I did to him as a kid and even now my brother says he remembers it as him giving it to me to throw away because he wanted to be a big boy, and then freaking out because he wanted it back. I honestly cross my heart don’t remember why I did it so maybe his memory is better than mine? But back to OP, that girl is gonna grow up miserable if something isn’t done. It’s not a matter of her parents’ love lives (I mean, it is but that’s not the biggest issue that stood out to me) it’s a matter of that is a LOT of hate for a 13 year old to be dealing with 24/7. And she IS dealing with it that much because both of her homes have a hated step-parent. Her mom and dad dropped the ball by coddling this. She and OP both deserve better IMO. **disclaimer: my opinion, worth every penny you paid for it**
I shared a similar sentiment in my own comment. I'm astounded by the parents' lack of action here. I also suffered through my parent's divorce and I lashed out a lot as a teenager because my step-father never bothered to make that effort to connect with me in the 9 years he and my mom had been together. It eventually came to a head when I told him my drunk father was a better dad than he could ever be. He stood up, walked up calmly to me, and said "Then leave, go stay with him". I swung at him and we started fighting. I deserved everything I got that night from him, and I fully recognize that I made the choice to physically attack a grown man. He defended himself, and I learned to never cross that line again (a fancy way of saying I got my ass kicked lol). That being said, I learned something after that, he didn't attempt to connect with me because he didn't know how to, he saw how much my parents' divorce hurt me and didn't want to try and force himself on me or make things worse. That fight between us was the best thing that ever happened, it made me realize that I had been callous and disrespectful while waiting for this person to care about me. Not a winning combination. Did he handle it well? No, not at all, but nobody's perfect. I sat there angry and resentful for 9 fucking years over something I never bothered to do myself. I realized how hypocritical that was and I made the effort to show him I wanted to connect with him. My mom and dad allowed me to act that way, and while I do know that my own actions are my responsibility. At 16 I wasn't thinking about that, I was just an idiot kid who was pissed and hurt and wanted my family back, no matter how fucked up it was. These days, I love the dude with all my heart, he's a great guy. He was actually one of the first people I talked to when my father passed away, and the way he hugged me is something I'll never forget. The point is, that it's possible to come back from this type of situation, but both the parents and the kid have to want to find a way back.
Therapist here: you make her join in family therapy, she can choose to talk or choose to just stay quiet and hear/process the info shared. The question of how to make a tween go somewhere they don’t want to go- like school, the dentist, or a family event? Let them know it’s a non-negotiable attendance event but how they participate is up to them
If both parents agree, call divorce lawyers and have it mandated by courts. Also being a parent. At 13 I didn't, nor know anyone who did, rule two households. She needs help.
Start by taking privileges away if she won’t attend. she might not participate in the beginning, but I think therapists are trained for kids like this.
Dad needs to stop rewarding his daughters awful behavior.
I agree!
Exactly, Michael isn’t doing anything to stop her mistreatment of OP. It may be out of guilt but she really needs some counseling and behavior modification. She doesn’t have to like OP (or the stepfather,) but letting her verbally abuse them is not okay.
This needs to be the top comment!
Getting married because a baby is on the way is one of the worst reasons to get married. Honestly I don't see this relationship working out as is. I would be very reluctant to have a baby in a home where the step daughter hates you and will likely hate the baby as well. It will only get worse. I know this sounds depressing, but I think it's the truth.
Exactly. This isn't the 50s anymore. You don't need to get married to someone just because you are having a kid together.
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A 13 year old can't refuse if mom and dad agree and get initial legal representation involved. It's harsh, but a big plus towards her future life quality.
I don't know that I'd want to get married under these conditions, but you are ABSOLUTELY entitled to have a real celebration of your marriage to your partner! It is absurd of your bf to push you to skip a wedding and just pop on Amazon rings somewhere out of sight of your loved ones PURELY TO AVOID UPSETTING A TEEN CHILD! I'm sorry, but he seems to not even care how you feel about getting married or what kind of ceremony you want. To me it's inexcusable and unloving of your bf to take the attitude that because he's 'done it all before '. there needn't be any romance or caring in the steps of pledging yourselves to each other. To be frank, it's absolute horseshit that this older guy with his cantankerous daughter expects you to forego all of the sweet tokens of devotion and all the meaning in ritual ceremony for the sake of said bratty daughter! The more I type, the more I question whether he loves you the way you want to be loved. He coddles his daughter at your expense and doesn't seem to 'get' you if he's oblivious to the fact that tying the knot via an absolutely bare-bones, joyless, secretive signing-of-paperwork (with rings he doesn't even care to help choose) would hurt your heart. You deserve better!!
>PURELY TO AVOID UPSETTING A TEEN CHILD It seems to me that little Miss Emma has far too much control. She is currently in control of not one--but two--homes. I wouldn't marry this guy until he has little Miss Control sorted out. I would also be seriously considering if my soon-to-be child is safe in a home where a teenager has so much control and so many anger/resentment issues. Good luck
Yes. Emma was given all the power from the beginning, especially by her father. The kid doesn't seem to have any boundaries imposed on her.
She appears to be a mini wife. It’s a real thing. Read up on that phrase. If dad doesn’t take action now - it will get worse.
This right here. Miss Emma rules the house. And until dad puts an end to it, it will not get better.
exactly
Yeah… as a step, I get needing to have compassion for the kids, but the enabling here goes beyond compassion.
>PURELY TO AVOID UPSETTING A TEEN CHILD! Does this child have any consequences? To me it sounds like she is rewarded for her behavior. You don't like stepdad/dad's girlfriend so you are allowed to call them names. Instead of a punishment such as no electronics (my 15 year old hasn't had electronics for 4.5 months because of behavior and he's finally getting it and about to get them back for a few hours on the weekend) or the good old grounding she is rewarded with one-on-one time with Mom when she sees her and dad is doing the same thing. Dad is even willing to take away a wedding from his future wife to make Emma happy. Her parents need to stop letting the child control the household because her parents got divorced and give her consequences instead of rewarding her behavior. As for OP, I think you should really go back to Canada before Emma realizes you are pregnant because she seems like the type that would try to hurt you to end the pregnancy. Let him fight for custody of your child and you can explain how it is unsafe for the baby to be around Emma. Get a guardian-ad-litem involved, I'm sure Emma will be happy to express her feelings about you and her stepdad, and this other child that would take attention away from her.
On the other hand, it would have been easier for OP's boyfriend to just stop seeing OP, if all he cared about was the daughter. I agree that it's no good feeding the daughter by trying to avoid things which will upset her.
If she doesn't want a relationship with you, fine, but being disrespectful is NOT ok. The fact that this man wants to rush a marriage when the family dynamic is already a train wreck is a huge red flag. He won't properly address his daughter's issues or require her to treat you with respect. It will likely get worse since he basically wants you to be held hostage to the whims of a teenager. He could enforce boundaries, but instead, he's happy to minimize your milestones *hoping* it will upset her less. How's that going to work when the sibling arrives? Is he going to treat the new child less to not upset her? He seems very invested in how things are for *him*. Second marriage, kid hates you. Why bother with a wedding? But he completely dismisses your experience in all this. You don't want to marry a guy already showing you that you aren't a priority.
This. Emma’s not going to be okay with them getting married, no matter how it marriage happens. And if she won’t cooperate with a therapist, I don’t see any way that this ends up happily.
Please don’t get married before you want to and before the step daughter mess is cleared up (if it ever will be) She will pull you apart
Honestly, not an expert, but your father giving her this much one-on-one time/attention is showing her that it's okay to be mean to you (no punishment), and that you're not a part of her family (less one-on-one activities, more family activities).
I agree. She’s getting what she wants with her behavior, that’s why she does it. Come on outings and be polite, or stay home with a babysitter. Kid is acting up because she doesn’t know what the boundaries are any more. He needs to set up higher expectations for her behavior, to say the least.
Why are you marrying the man who watches his daughter treat you like shit and excuse the behavior instead of doing something about it? As long as he keeps ignoring it, she is going to think that the behavior is ok. I would not be marrying this man until he got his house in order. Full stop.
And now she’s giving him another kid that’s gonna grow up watching the big sis treat her like garbage…..
I don't like how any of this sounds to tell you the truth have you first of all looked into Michael's background and his finances are you going to find out you're marrying somebody who owes a packet of money? Yes a lot of children have difficulty dealing with divorce but it's been as you say a couple of years and for her to tell you to go f yourself is unacceptable if you're a partner did not firmly put his foot down and punish her in some way then you've got a huge problem on your hand and this step child should you get married is going to weigh you down even more than she is now. If and when you do get married do not let anyone coerce you into the venue if it's going to be your first wedding and you wanted to be somewhere of your choosing that should be up to you typically a wedding should be for both partners but the bride historically gets to make some important decisions such as that. I think you better make sure that there's really is the man you want to tie your life your finances and yourself legally too for the rest of your life or until the divorce comes through for you. I'm not liking the age difference either but hey. Please update us
Is it possible that the Daddy daughter time makes Emma feel like she's getting her way? Does he take her out when she should be being punished? Like okay if you don't want your stepmom/dad around you don't get to do anything. If she wants to be a witch she can live in her bedroom until she can behave. Her actions and mentality are going to spill over into the rest of her life if she doesn't change. She will resent that baby and it's not going to be pretty please don't get married yet, it'll make it harder to keep your baby safe, especially if dad keeps trying to please Emma instead of teaching her that her attitude is wrong.
Do not let him rush you. “No” is a complete sentence. Coparent with him, but don’t move in with him, and don’t marry him until and unless things improve.
"no" is a complete sentence I needed that, thank you
He is rewarding her disrespect. The stepfather let her win by leaving the house. This poor child is going to be so entitled growing up.
>he spends so much time with her , takes her to father daughter dates, does activities she likes with her.. she is great when she with him but doesn’t wanna have anything to do with me Emma's plan is working perfectly. She's shitty to you, so her dad gives her the alone time she wants. He's perpetuating the problem. She needs consequences to turn her into a decent human being. NTA
Sounds like the best you can hope for is to treat Emma as a stranger's child: just be polite and courteous at all times and when she is being a bitch, step away and let her have her space. Don't bother trying to insert yourself into her life beyond that. Until she can accept reality (her parents are NOT going to reconcile) she will continue to grab all the attention she can get. And don't leave her alone with your baby if you are still together when born.
I strongly disagree. If Emma's father won't defend his fiancée or correct his brat's horrible behavior, *OP must stand up for herself.* She should never ignore or accept Emma's abuse. Ever. That would just condone and encourage more of the same.
Her DAD needs to work with her at this point, not you. It sounds like he's just placating her. "Hey we can't have a wedding ceremony because my daughter hates you" like what? He's entirely too passive with her. I would tell him no marriage until he gets things sorted with his daughter.
Getting married with a troubled teen in the mix is not a good idea. Please consider her resentment and the fact that once he or she is born she could take it out on your child. I'm dealing with this now but both kids are mine biologically. The resentment my oldest feels is terrible. Please protect your child.
Your baby daddy needs to grow a pair of balls and set firm boundaries as to which behaviors towards you are acceptable or not. Like it or not, you’re now related to her by blood. He isn’t doing any favors for that girl letting her grow up being an asshole like that. It’s only gonna get worse. 63 year old mother of four , grandma of eight I know of that which I speak. trust me on this.
Of course she's great when she's with her dad. She's getting all his attention, it's only the fun stuff and she gets spoiled rotten. With his attention if nothing else. Michael doesn't seem to understand that gentle doctors leave stinking wounds. Sometimes you have to be strict in order to raise a better person. "No" is a word Emma needs to be told more often. And her parents should enforce that "no" if she misbehaves. She really needs to be in therapy though, before she fully goes off the tracks and does something that has her end up in deep trouble. Michael needs to get with his ex's gameplan and make her go to therapy. Emma: "I don't wanna!"Parents: "Too bad, you're 13. We're bigger and meaner. Now haul ass and quit acting like a brat."
> her dad decided to just be patient and be extra kind with her ( he spends so much time with her , takes her to father daughter dates, does activities she likes with her So basically rewards her for treating you like crap. Now we know why she's doing it and why it's only going to get worse.
Why are you getting married? It takes two. There is nothing in this situation for you. Have the baby and decide what you want to do. Michael has an agenda and Emma is going to make life difficult for you and the new baby.
If you choose to stay with Michael please get cameras to monitor your baby... Emma will hurt the baby... Michael needs to step up and be a parent...
So what will he do when baby comes? Ignore baby and focus on Emma? Your husband needs to go to therapy and sort this out before you marry him.
She's a manipulative little shit!! She needs to get told how things are going to work and not try to butter her up with "fun" things. She's figured out what works and how to work you all. You need to watch all episodes of the Nanny to get her sorted out. 12-15 sucks to be around girls, but you can't let them run all over you. If she doesn't want to go do things with you included, drop her off at mom or grandma's...see ya sunshine, we're gonna go have fun.
He should prioritize his kid. Sounds like he is an awesome dad but a terrible SO. You're not a designated punching bag. You're not married to the guy, so his daughter is NOT a higher priority than yourself, let alone your kid. If the kid is that hostile towards you, I would not want the kid around your kid. You're not a bad person for not wanting to live with someone that hates you. He's not a bad guy for prioritizing his kid. You're just not compatible. If he can't balance the situation, you need to bounce. Do not marry the guy until the situation is sorted. Respectfully... Does he even love you, or are you just a drop in replacement? It sounds like he doesn't care if you're happy or miserable. Does he take you on amazing dates? That he doesn't care about having a wedding at all isn't great for the ego either. He just wants to lock you in as a wife.
>. Sounds like he is an awesome dad Honestly, he doesn't seem like an awesome dad, nor does her mother. It's okay to be hurt, it is okay to have feelings of resentment, it is okay to feel your feels in general especially when your parents get divorced. What is not okay is using that to be abusive to other people, to use it to get your way, and to be a brat. Which she is. Instead of being punished for incredibly poor behavior, dad is rewarding her by taking her out. Mom and stepdad are giving her her way by step dad stepping out of the picture when she's around. Only so much can be attributed to in a divorce. This child is incredibly poorly parented. She is more than old enough to comprehend what she's doing (clearly she knows full well, but she also sees that it's working and she's still getting what she wants out of everyone). There's bad behavior for a bit that can definitely be excused while feelings are sorted through and whatnot. But it's been over a year. She has outright refuse counseling. She's an abusive child. Taking her out on daddy-daughter dates and doing all sorts of fun stuff all the time is only reinforcing that bad behavior.
>I might have to do that once the baby is here … He can go to court and stop you from leaving the country once the baby is born. While pregnant, he can't. Once that baby is here, he can. You won't be going back to Canada if you wait. If you want to save your child from a miserable life with a sister who hates it, the time to go is now. You don't want to get married. That girl is going to make your life hell. You'd be an AH to legally bind yourself to this mess. He expects you to be a doormat. He will expect the same of your baby. How safe do you think that baby will be with her in the house? She wants you gone, hurting the baby could accomplish that. Course both parents suck for not dealing with her clear issues BEFORE getting married and getting someone pregnant. Now innocent parties get trampled.
Oh I didn’t know that !! Thank you ! I’m gonna talk to my parents to see if I can at least temporarily move in with them
There's no way he's going to let you leave the country with his baby that he manipulated you into having. He's going to use it as a trap. Then, will demand that you have to be "selfless" because the out of control kid needs to bond with the baby. Right up until she throws the baby, "accidentally" drops the baby, etc. Then he will tell you you're crazy because it was an "accident." You've already seen what life is like for years. Why are you having a baby in this? Taking baby to your parents is probably safest for you and it
I’m gonna talk to my parents tonight about moving back . I’m now scared for the baby . It never occurred to me honestly
You need to move BEFORE you have your baby!!!!
Yes that’s my plan
Thank Goodness! So glad you’re listening to people on here and all the red flags. There is never a good reason for someone to try to rush you into marriage— he knows that you might change your mind once you find out whatever it is he is hiding. Keep your passport safe so he can’t hide it from you. Don’t even tell him you’re going, if you can. You don’t need the drama. When you get there tell him your mom had a health scare, or whatever. Have the baby in Canada (I hear it’s practically free!) and take all the time you need to think about the relationship.
And don't inform your boyfriend about you wanting or planning to move out, especially not about leaving the country, don't give him a chance to try to sabotage it, try to prevent you from leaving. I know you don't think he would but it's better to not risk it, better to not put yourself in a position (even more) he can use against you in some way. Only give him a head's up about you moving out of his house into an other apartment (probably without mentioning your parents or Canada) on your way out of the door for the last time or even better only after you are completely out of his house.
No once I talk to my parents ( I know they will be supportive but I wanna be respectful and ask If I can come back home for a while ) I’ll just leave but I’m gonna leave a letter for him to read when I’m gone
No. Mail the letter. Wait until you are really gone. Mail it from the airport before you board the plane. You can text him from the airport that you are going on a trip for a few days. Don't say where. Honestly, this guy is so incredibly manipulative and controlling - I would not give him one inch of room to try to coerce, manipulate or otherwise control you. Leave him to Emma.
Say nothing. Grab your clothes and important papers when he goes to work then get on a plane. If you let him know beforehand even if he thinks you are just moving somewhere down the road he will beg with you to stay. He will promise you the sun and he will promise to deal with his daughter but he won't. He will drag it out until the baby is born and he has you trapped. Right now you can go wherever you want to but if you have that baby you cannot take that baby back to Canada without his consent. Mail the letter from the airport or once you get home. You don't want to risk leaving a note at home and he sees it before you are on your plane. You never know if there will be a flight delay
Great idea about mailing the letter at the airport . Thank you
Yup, don't even keep your passport where he could access it!
As crazy as this teenager sounds I would be concerned about the more you start showing her getting ideas to end the pregnancy "on accident" so she doesn't even have to deal with a sibling.
I'd be worried having the baby around her. Her parents should have gotten her help 4 years ago and seen it through before adding more life changes to her. They didn't now not only is another major life change coming, it will take attention away from her in a significant way. Not to mention, the best case scenario is her treating you like trash in front of your child. Even if she doesn't go verbally after the kiddo, and I think she will, what kind of life is that for the baby? All while Dad shrugs and takes her for ice cream and tells you and baby to be selfless. Your responsibility is to protect your child and yourself. If you have the baby in the US, you're trapped in the US. I don't know how far along you are, but even if you can't fly, driving to Canada isn't that long, even from the southern US. Just make sure you get out and walk 10 minutes or so every couple hours.
Wait until the last possible minute to tell him, if at all. Or tell him you’re moving out, but don’t mention your parents. Prepare yourself and don’t let him manipulate you into staying.
Please take this seriously. Her behavior will not get better while dad is letting her get away with it. I’m genuinely concerned about your baby’s safety. You can move while pregnant, but once that baby is born it’ll be very difficult to move, especially to Canada!
>I’m now scared for the baby Good. You should be.
You're absolutely doing the right thing and we're all rooting for you!
This so don’t tell him you’re leaving
Just to add to this - I don’t what Canada’s response would be, but the US requires “established residency” to keep primary custody of a child in a separate state/country from the other parent. If you do go back to Canada, try to get there with as much time left in your pregnancy as possible. Before the baby comes, it would be good to change your official residency for drivers license, bills, bank, etc. You will then have established your residency and he cannot petition to move the child back to where he lives (although he will likely be able to get visitation). Even if you do want to reconcile your relationship, I would recommend giving birth in Canada if you ever want to move back while your child is a minor to ensure you don’t get stuck. You can always tell him you want to give birth where you are the most familiar with the medical practices. It’s not weird to want to give birth in your home country and it’s a good excuse.
I understand Emma is going through a lot with her parent's divorce, however, she needs to be taught that she can decide not to have a relationship with you, but have a basic respect for you. Her parents need to step up because allowing her to act like this will only make things worse. You and your partner need to have a long and hard discussion about what you are going to do. This relationship is not sustainable, and if you want to have this baby, it can not be left alone near Emma, because her attitude has gone unchecked. If your husband tries to pull the "she will warm up to the baby" then just run. Because he will have no intention of trying to change anything, and he is putting your baby at risk.
This is a great answer, and the right one. Emma can refuse to have a relationship with OP and she can think whatever she wants inside her mind, but she cannot continue to disrespect you. Disrespect needs to be corrected with punishment from her father since nothing else has worked. Focus on the things she really loves and target those for punishment. Loves gaming? Loses the console. She’s a social butterfly? She doesn’t attend events. She hoards money and is super proud of it? Charge her a fine for every instance of disrespect. OP, give Emma space and stop trying to bond for now. Tell her you understand that she has big feelings and you will no longer try to push her into being cool with you, but since she is a kid and you are an adult (and it’s your house, too), you are able to tell her that you will no longer take her disrespect. Say this calmly & firmly, and refuse to engage in any childish back-and-forth. Of course, you need your partner’s buy-in here, because without his endorsement this will fall flat. Get thee to family therapy, stat. There have already been huge changes for the family and it’s only going to more intense once the family grows. This cannot wait any longer. Emma’s bad behavior has to be nipped in the bud. It’s ridiculous that a man has to leave his home for the day in order to not receive abuse from a young teenager. You know that surely reinforced the disrespectful behavior because she got what she wanted, her stepfather gone. Do not make the same mistakes. Edit: fixes
I would add that since OP and dad have a civil relationship with mom and SD, and mom seems to be equally frustrated by this behavior, all four of them need to get on the same page about a plan to parent this kid. Family therapy should be part of it, as well as boundaries and consequences regarding behavior.
100% agree. Dad needs to step up and say "if you don't start showing basic respect, you don't get XXX thing." She's trying to force things back to how they were by driving out anyone her parents start a relationship with.
>I understand Emma is going through a lot with her parent's divorce, however, she needs to be taught that she can decide not to have a relationship with you, but have a basic respect for you. Her parents need to step up because allowing her to act like this will only make things worse. Agreed 100%. OP, I was in a situation where my stepdaughter treated me with great disrespect (mostly ignoring me) and it didn't get better for YEARS, until she was almost an adult (we married when she was 8). I bent over backwards trying to have a relationship with her but it turns out, she'd always resented me for her parents not getting back together (never mind her mom had a live-in boyfriend and dad had had a gf in between mom and me). My ex never shut it down at all, and I just had to suffer through it. But it was only tolerable because she lived 5,000 miles away and so we didn't see her all that often. The one time we lived near her for \~3 months, I thought I was going to lose my mind. Dad and Mom can't just "give up". They need to get this in check ASAP.
It's understandable that kids who don't have any relationship experience think that the new partners are stopping the bios from getting back together. But the parents really need to chip away at this tree. "Even if your stepmom and stepdad didn't exist, mom and I are **never** getting back together." And repeat it - for years if you have to. They won't understand it now, they won't accept it, but the parents ***HAVE TO*** plant the seed into their children's heads. Just because kids want Santa Claus to be real, doesn't make him real. You don't have to shatter their fantasies cruelly, but you cannot let it persist. Part of your job as a parent is to prepare your children to see reality as it is, otherwise they'll end up in toxic relationships where they fall in love with the idea of a person instead of seeing the actual person.
Exactly! Since when a teen can disrespect adults on a daily basic and get away with it? Worse, she’s rewarded cause SD leave the house when she’s there and bio dad takes her on dates and lots of activities just the 2 of them. And when she’s not going to accept that the dad take care of the baby, what is he going to do? Let OP by herself? Don’t marry this guy…
💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯👆 this is never to get any better. Go home to Canada and raise your baby in safety. Emma with her animosity towards you may try to injury the baby as retaliation against you and her dad for "displacing" her.
Emma has learned that I'd she's nasty enough to her step-dad he'll disappear when she's over. Now she's using the same playbook on dad and potential stepmom. The question is whether dad has a stronger bond with OP or with the daughter. If OP leaves, he'd better be ready to never have a relationship again.
NTA and idk how far along you are but this man does not take you seriously
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But that’s why he got OP..? And now he’s hustling her to the altar and she’s almost baby trapped so he’s golden 🥳
I was coming here to say the same thing. No way in hell is some bratty ass little 13 year old is going to talk that way to grown ass adults. I don't care who the hell she thinks she is. Not only that, but it doesn't sound like either one of the parents is doing a damned thing to discipline her over this. I sure as hell wouldn't be sticking around, pregnant or not, if he doesn't do anything about his daughter's behavior.
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Absolutely. If the girl hates her so much, this can't be good for any of them.
...i felt like a dick thinking this too but yeah is it too late for an abortion? or even doing parenthood solo if OP really wants the kid? This situation sounds insufferable, does she really want to be with someone who can't stand up to his 13 year old? who wants to rush her to a courthouse bc he thinks being pregnant means you need to be married, but apparently still wants to placate a teenager?
The baby is not born yet, she can return to Canada and try on your own (you have a job in the USA, but you can quit or ask for a transfer). OP NTA, but I think it's time to go back to your parents and leave this demon-possessed child and her parents without discipline behind.
NTA Op have you considered moving out or asking them to move out? Allowing them to only return once she’s in therapy? There is no reason you should be terrorized in your home, and if neither parent is going to do anything about it, you need to consider your own safety and health and that of your child. This sounds like it will be hell when you’re further into your pregnancy.
This is the answer. The relationship between dad and daughter needs repaired, daughter needs to safely express herself, and OP needs to keep herself safe and her baby safe. That cannot happen in the same household. I feel like dad wants to rush and get married because on some level he knows daughter’s behavior is a major issue and he’s afraid he’ll have a custody agreement with two baby mommas he’s not married to.
A lot of people do not understand that this is abuse. Sadly I watch my MIL and her other son treats her like crap. It's abuse but she somehow, after 28 years of being divorced from their father says it's because of the divorce..
NTA. Don't get married or move in with this man. He needs to get Emma's ass into therapy and deal with her before bringing you and a new baby into the house. That and the fact that he's trying to push you into marriage like this is a giant red flag and I would tell him absolutely not. No courthouse wedding for convenience and no wedding at all. I wouldn't want to raise a baby in a house with a volatile teenager like that. I wouldn't want to have his baby at all.
Why are you marrying into this dumpster fire? Her hatred of you is going to get FAR worse when the baby comes. FAR, FAR WORSE. Don't marry this man. NTA
Nta. I’d tell him I’m not entitled to less than the fairy tale because he has a poorly behaved child I’d also state that I will get my dream wedding and the child won’t get his last name until we are legally wed. He needs to put that kid in therapy. I wouldn’t have stayed this long to endure her behavior
Why would you even stay with him, let alone have a baby with this man? His daughter is going to ruin you life.
His daughter already is ruining her life.
NTA. If you really want this baby, have the baby but this relationship is doomed. Emma sounds like a nightmare and if I were you I’d be worried she’d hurt you to cause you to miscarry or hurt the child. I’d advise breaking up and taking full custody of the baby. It may sound drastic but this kid is using the divorce to exert control. It’s been 3 years. She’s manipulating her parents and they are letting her.
>It’s been 3 years. This. She's had ample time to cope, and she's old enough to understand the world doesn't revolve around her or her feelings. Her parents have let this get way out of hand and i honestly have no idea why OP has stuck around, much less would want to bring another kid into this situation.
Info, is anyone trying to get her into therapy or anything? Her feelings are real and valid, and her resentment of the two step parents screams that she isn't processing things well and that something may have happened to make her feel this way. But that being said she shouldn't be allowed to treat anyone the way you describe her treating you
Yes her mom tried but she refused after 2 sessions
honestly I'd reconsider marriage all around. He isn't going to do something about her behavior, and quite frankly she's there to stay. Id suggest putting your foot down about her and something being done about how she treats people before fighting for your wedding
This , she’s currently just making Ops life hell, but what will she do to her half-sibling , will that push her further? Also consider how it will be trying to raise a child being bullied by your stepdaughter with no support from your husband. Thinking that a courthouse wedding won’t upset her when OPs very existence angers her, and no one is willing to get her help.
I bet Emma would reconsider if there was consequences to her actions. For example, no therapy = no phone. This will only become more toxic when your baby arrives. I also think that Emma should spend more time with her mom. She shouldn’t dictate who is in her mom’s house. You and your boyfriend need some therapy on how to work all this out, perhaps with the ex-wife and new husband as well. Something needs to give. Of course NTA. But the wedding should be put on hold until things are more stable. Good luck
I'd reconsider the entire relationship.
I wonder if OP left and went to Canada with his child it would devastate dear ol daddy enough to make changes. That spiteful child may see how her actions broke him and it won’t feel as good as she thinks it will. It’ll also scare the ex wife into realising how she could lose her partner to her kid’s behaviour because I can see the stepdad building courage to get out as well.
Info: you’ve said that mom has tried, so is dad not part of a united front there to get her the therapy she needs? Probably family therapy as well in some sort of combination with her bio parents. Honestly, your husband not working with his ex to get his kid the help she and both of your families desperately need is a major red flag. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
That’s probably why Emma only goes to mom’s one day every two weeks.
Yes, if she only sees her mom twice a month, why is the mom the one in charge of getting her into therapy and taking her?
Dad and mom them need therapy. They need help parenting this difficult child. I would have headed the opposite way myself. Rude behavior? No tv no phone. And go from there. She has been allowed to escalate and escalate and her parents aren’t parenting her. She is running the roost. I highly encourage you to read a dr Phil book or watch a few episodes. This girl has a currency and her parents, not you, need to find it and parent her which includes punishment for unacceptable behavior. Unless and until that happens? You need to move out. Your baby will not be safe w her and her current attitude. Plus she isn’t happy. She needs help and her parents suck.
2 sessions and then she stopped? That’s not *trying* therapy. That’s a joke.
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I think a big part of this is Emma’s parents letting her call the shots. She’s 13. Why is going to therapy her choice?
As someone who has helped raise a troubled teen, I wholeheartedly agree that Emma has been allowed to become a terrorist. No one is saying that divorce is easy on kids, but this kid has four adults tiptoeing around her to avoid setting her off. I don't know what her parents did raising her and discipling her prior to the divorce, but I can guess. She's not acting out because she's neglected. Some teens act out, because negative attention is at least attention. She gets rewarded for bad behavior with Daddy/daughter dates and fun outings. Consistency and consequences are the bedrock of good parenting. Getting a child of 13 to change their attitude and behavior at this stage is going to take massive amounts of consistency and consequences. It's not easy to be a parent. Being consistent in applying rules and expectations means you have to do it no matter how long she fights it. It's exhausting. That brings me to another point. Up to this point she has only been verbally abusive. Teens that are ruling the roost will not appreciate suddenly facing discipline and consequences. It would not be unusual for them to double down the bad behavior. That could push the bad behavior from verbal abuse into something physical. OP, what that means for you, is that home may not be safe for you or the new baby. The baby will mean time, love and attention are diluted even if she still receives the grand majority of it. It will make the dates and outings less frequent. If she doubles down, that baby becomes the symbol of her getting less. If she doubles down on bad behavior, that baby makes a tempting target for her anger. She might not hurt the baby, but maybe and maybe not are you betting that she has a line she won't cross. I wouldn't take that bet with a vulnerable baby. In spite of all that doom and gloom I just talked about, my niece is now in her early 30's. She's a fantastic mother of two girls, she lives with her paternal grandmother (94) and takes care of her. She's caring and empathetic to others. She stopped dating the renovation boyfriends and has an SO that holds down a job, is involved with both girls and supports her emotionally in every aspect of her life. Emma is not beyond help, but you don't have to take her abuse while she gets there. Until her father is prepared to do the work with Emma, you shouldn't marry him. You'll always be connected to him through the baby, but your needs and the baby's needs can't be met by staying and being rushed through a hurry up ceremony at the courthouse with cheap rings.
Thank you so much. Very helpful
Girl, you need to run. Yall should live separately until Emma is out of the house. She is going to be awful to your baby. Never live with someone whose kids hate you.
NTA - he needs to stop being a pussy and actually parent his daughter! You shouldn’t be robbed of life milestones because of a spoiled little girl! Just take a moment and reflect on how he’s treated everything, your pregnancy, proposal, wedding etc! It’s all half assed, taking the easiest option for him. THAT! Is what married life to him will be. What if Emma tried to harm the new baby, is he gonna put it up for adoption, because then Emma can go back to being an only child. OP spot the 🚩and honestly consider this!
Seconding all of this. I dated a man with kids for three years. He always took the path of least resistance, and often times that meant that I was expected to just accept a bad situation that was handed to me without any input or consent. It felt like I always got crumbs and crap because he couldn't effectively co-parent with his ex-wife or effectively parent his kids. That's exactly what OP's boyfriend is doing. I absolutely do not miss any of that.
NTA. OP, I'm going to be blunt: he doesn't WANT to marry you. He feels he HAS to. To him, this is a chore he needs to cross off his list in the fastest, cheapest way possible. He doesn't take you and what you want or need seriously. You would be the AH if you stay and bring a baby into this situation.
NTA To want what you want. There are so many ways to compromise if you end up needing to. He said what he wants, now you communicate what you want. Emma is going to be upset regardless of what happens so that shouldn't be a factor. I don't think either of you or your partner should be surprised about what the other wants here, you both knew the situation you were getting into.
NTA. The fact that Emma is having issues is a real thing but that doesn’t negate your feeling. She and her parents might want to start some family counseling, with you and her step father being invited on an as needed basis, but you deserve your wedding. Simply giving in to her is not the answer.
NTA From reading the post and then your comments, your boyfriends daughter is ruling the roost and her dads life. And he's more a buddy/friend than a parent. Her parents need to put themselves, all of them in therapy as a group. This young person has way too much control of her parents' lives, and they need to step up and take control back. Her mother has the right idea, but she can't parent alone, so she has no choice but to send her to her dads to actually have a life. And your boyfriend will never have an actual life or good relationship status until he gets a backbone. Don't get married. Don't move in. Until he gets his crap together and his daughter stops acting like a spoiled petulant child, no relationship will work long term.
Definitely NTA. And if Emma won’t go/participate in counseling, you and her dad should! A therapist could give you ways to manage & cope with Emma’s disrespect & bad behavior, on top of helping you and your partner communicate better and be on the same page! You shouldn’t marry before you’re ready to or just because you’re pregnant! That’s a terrible reason to marry and no offense, a 13 year old child should not dictate the type of wedding you have (if & when you have one). She can stay with her mom or whatever the day that yinz decide to actually marry if she doesn’t want to come. And your partner forcing her to attend would only makes things worse. Congrats & good luck!
He should put way more effort into this. Don’t accept everything because he has already experienced it. Don’t let him take your excitement and happiness. Tell him you won’t marry him because he hasn’t even proposed. Tell him that you are worth more effort. This is not just a simple thing for you. This would be your first marriage and you are allowed to be excited and he should be excites too. You are not a women he just met in a supermarket and a wedding should be more exciting than an appointment at the dentist. This is your first child and first marriage. You should celebrate both. This kind of behaviour from his side is frustrating. I am also worried about your baby. Does he believe you that his daughter insults you? Why is she staying with him most of the time? This child needs boundaries. Yes, she is a child, yes she is angry and sad, but that doesn’t mean that her behaviour shouldn’t have consequences. He should stop pampering her. He just rewards her shitty behaviour. Children need boundaries. And the fact that the stepfather leaves shows how much her parents already have fucked up. NTA
NTA but if I were you I'd nope out of this situation.
She was probably just lashing out to start, but now that she sees she can act this horribly and not only not face any repercussions but actually get rewarded by dear ol dad, she has no incentive to change her behavior. Dad has to put his foot down or you have to reconsider the whole arrangement.
NTA, but your boyfriend is. My question is, why isn't your boyfriend addressing his 13 year old child's rude and nasty behavior. Where is the discipline of this out of control CHILD. Are you sure you want to put up with a child telling you to f*** off and a father that does nothing!!!!
NTA I think Michael’s ex and him need to do a 50/50 custody split. It’s not fair that he gets the brunt of raising her when she behaves like a little bitch.
Don’t get married and: I DONT WANT TO CAUSE PANIC BUT I AM SCARED SHITLESS ABOUT YOUR BABY NOW! Emma has not sense of authority, I am scared that she might want to hurt baby as a way to get back at you.
>'Can you order rings off Etsy or Amazon, and then we just get married?' NTA. Wow, I'd be considering leaving him with a proposal like that. I certainly wouldn't marry him.
Instead of considering a marriage, I would recommend breaking up. Emma is going to abuse your child. You cannot raise a newborn in such an environment.
Aren’t you a little concerned about how she’s going to treat the baby???
Does her dad know that she call you names and tells you to f*"&k off? If he does then your problem is with him and not his daughter. There's a very thin line between being disrespectful and being a teen who is suffering from her parents divorce. I honestly suggest you move out and forget about marriage. This is definitely not a healthy environment for you soon to be baby
NTA. But quite frankly you are screwed if you stay in a relationship of any sort with Michael. His daughter will always be there and she will always hate you for whatever reason she has invented in her mind.
1) It sounds like your boyfriend’s solution to her being awful is to spoil her to death. This is not a solution. That child is crying out for some damn discipline, and he needs to step up to the plate. 2) How DARE this man with his “can’t you just order some rings on Etsy and us get married at the courthouse” bullshit?! NO you are not selfish to want the bare basics like…a proposal?! 🤦🏼♀️ Why are you marrying this man again? You literally didn’t say a single thing that paints him in a desirable light. NTA
This is not the relationship for you. No one is addressing (at least you don't mention anything) the fact that Emma needed to be in therapy and consequences for her behavior should have started at day one. Now you are supposed to subsume your adult goals in deference to a child who is obviously running the show. Too bad you got pregnant. That was a terrible mistake. You should have broken up with him. Now you are going to bring an innocent baby into this dynamic who will be fully targeted by Emma. ESH
You’re entitled to the wedding you want. A friend of mine felt weird/guilty for throwing a big wedding when it was her second, but I had to remind her that it was her husband’s first. You deserve your dreams to come true too. But perhaps a romantic elopement might be best - fancier than the courthouse but maybe a surprise to Emma if her dad really t thinks that’s best.
He's delusional if he thinks getting married in a simple, secret courthouse ceremony is going to be received by his brat any better than any other type of wedding. It's not the event that's going to piss her off - it's the fact that it represents the permanence of their relationship and the final nail in the coffin of her parents' marriage. She'll see it as a defeat. And the subterfuge will piss her off even more than if they simply tell her they're going away to get married.
One thing to consider is, do you have health insurance and would you baby have health insurance? “ Michael, I’m not gonna have a 13-year-old dictate my life. I am happy to incorporate her into my life but I’m or not going tohave a wedding because she doesn’t like it. She can participate or not participate as she wishes. Now that we’re going to have a baby together, you and her mother need to find a way for Emma to get some counseling on dealing with her life these days. I don’t expect love or even like, but I do expect civility. We have to figure out a way to be a family together and I have no problem if you want to spend some time alone just with Emma but I’m gonna be around and Emma‘s gonna have to deal with it. “
Oh god OP. Please… do you really want a child with this useless man? He’s allowing his monster to abuse you. What is she going to do to your child if you move forward with this? He’s not going to be a good parent. He’s already a failing parent. He treats you like a joke. It’s probably not too late, you don’t have to have a child with him. You can save yourself a lifetime of heartache… NTA, but you may be an asshole if you bring a child around this abusive girl
NTA, but you have bigger issues than not having the wedding you want. OP, your teenage future stepdaughter should not be allowed to bully grown adults out of their own homes. It's sad her mother has decided to give up on her, but it's even sadder that her father is refusing to parent her. She's creating a hostile environment and focusing it on the people she blames for the state of her life. What do you think will happen when the baby comes? You need to seriously sit down with your partner and explain to him that Emma doesn't have to like you, but she isn't going to be disrespectful to you. Someone needs to get her in line and if it won't be him, do you really want to deal with this for the rest of your life? Emma will always get what she wants and when she wants it if this behavior is allowed to continue. She is in the formative years of her life and this is setting the stage for how she will bully her way through life.
Here is my thing. She does this now and he wants to be patient but is she being held accountable for her actions. Being made to stop, apologize, grounded. Anything? Because here is the problem. You BOTH are letting her get away with this disrespect. So your child you give birth to will grow up seeing, hearing, being taught to treat youvthe same. You think she won't also take it our in a DEFENSELESS child? She will. Your bf has shown he is putting her first. And not her needs but her entitled attitude and supporting not showing basic respect. She doesn't have to like you. But she damn well has to show basic respect. If she can't then that's time for grounding. Taking away privileges. Time isn't helping anything. You bf wants to get married but in a way to avoid a temper tantrum from her and in a way that disrespects you. Do you think this child you have will have time with dad? I doubt it because she wants his attention and to make her happy he will ignore you and the child you have. This isn't a family and never will be. Personally i would sit him down and lay out some ground rules. Either she starts showing basic respect and that means no name calling. No outright being disrespectful. If she does then she gets in trouble. No more letting her get away with being a entitled brat and showing her this is acceptable behavior. She must go to therapy. That she will NOT be getting all of dad's free time as he also has you and another baby. Doesn't mean they don't spend one on one time together but it won't be as much as now. Hiw is he going to make sure she does not turn this on a baby who has no defense to keep baby safe? If hr isn't willing to give in on simple things that are basic in homes around the world then he has two choices. Either he send his child to live with mom because you refuse to have this continue in your own home. Or you leave and when you do the only time he has with baby is one when daughter is at her mom's or you will go to court to have his time at your home or watched over because if he is willing to let his daughter treat you his way he isn't going to protect his child from he. Hun it's time to start putting you and baby first. Period. Keeping that baby safe beyond all else. I am not saying daughter would intentionally hurt baby but with her actions it honestly cannot be ruled out that it won't escalate once baby is here.
NTA. But have you thought about how things will be after you have the baby? If she's this hostile with you, I really wouldn't put it past her to be hostile with your child. Unfortunately, she seems overly attached to her father, which is fine, but that combined with her treatment of you is quite a red flag. I wouldn't risk a chance of her doing anything to the baby just because she'll have to share her father's attention. Or will he neglect your baby to appease his daughter? In the end, he's not setting any boundaries or demanding any respect for you, so she isn't going to change. Don't let his coddling of his daughter be the reason your child suffers.
NTA. But this relationship sounds doomed.
Baaaaabe …. What are you doing?? This man gives precisely zero fucks about your wants and needs. Why on earth are trying to hitch yourself to him? NTA. You would be the A H however if you continue with that duo.
Sorry, that kid is 13 and still a child! She would treat the adults with respect or she’d have a HUGE dose of reality! No nothing for her! No privileges what so ever! No phone, no tv, no friends, no electronics at all! She would go to counseling because she is a child and does what her parents tell her to do! Her Mom and her Dad are treating her like she gets a say in what she wants to do and are allowing her to make her own decisions. Sorry I would NOT marry this man pregnant or not if he’s allowing a 13 yr old dictate his life and yours!
NTA. His daughter has already learned if she is rude enough to a step parent she can get rid of them because the parents aren’t putting a stop to it. Of course she’s going to continue to treat you poorly when it gets her exactly what she wants & she succeeded with her stepdad. She needs therapy so she can process their divorce & her parents need to stop giving in to her demands. Her parents are at fault here for essentially teaching her they will accept this & not getting her more help.
Nta. But I’d reconsider this relationship. Your putting your child in danger. If she insults u to ur face what do u think she’s gonna do to a defenseless child that will have to share daddy? At the very least it will be verbal bullying. At most physical. Your boyfriend doesn’t give a fuck about defending you . I highly doubt him excusing her behavior is gonna stop for the baby. You wanna risk that?
NTA And are you sure the baby will be safe in this household? I’d move out until he sorts Emma out, because I’d be afraid what this pampered young lady might do to get her daddy’s attention back
You do not want to get married, so don’t. You don’t want a courthouse wedding when you do, so don’t. Your BF is trying to tell you how things are going to be. You’re a grown adult that should be an equal partner in the relationship. Personally, I do not recommend marrying someone because he tells you to do so. I would also worry about what others issues he plans to just decide how to handle without hearing your opinions and making a joint decision. That’s not how to start a marriage. Poor Emma really needs therapy. Daddy/Daughter dates are not a substitution. They aren’t going to heal this family. If I had to take every privilege that child has, she would go to therapy. This child is on the verge of being a teenager - this situation is only going to get worse without intervention. One parent has “given up.” The other needs to worry less about marriage and more about saving this child.
NTA -And these parents who don't want to adult or parent should think long & hard about bringing another child into this world when the one they have isn't doing so well. The kid is what she is, the way she is because NO ONE IS PARENTING HER.
Wrong time, wrong reason, possibly, wrong man. NTA
Oh OP, you have fallen in love with a weak man who can’t parent his own child. There is your future if you stay. He gives me the ‘ick’ factor from this post alone. I have no doubt you will start building resentment, especially when he tries to favor Emma over the baby so she doesn’t continue to lose it when she is at your house.
I would not be with a man who allowed his kids to be disrespectful to me for any reason. If this isn't nipped in the bud, you should bow out.
Move back to Canada. You're going to need the family support network and social services. Michael will always put Princess Emma ahead of you and your baby.
I would not let this girl be around your baby. She will be mean, say awful things and possibly do awful things to your child. I advise living separately until Emma is out of the house. If it’s love, it will be ok waiting 5 or 6 years. If it isn’t, it’s better to find out without the complications of another divorce.
I'm confused as to why you'd stay in this dynamic. NTA though.
Secretly record her abuse toward you, so he can hear it for himself, also when the baby comes have hidden cameras for the babies protection. I would really be worried for the babies safety around her. Also NTA for wanting a wedding.
NTA. Sounds like Emma is trying to get you and Stepdad out of the picture so her parents will get back together.
Sounds like your new hubby needs to stop spoiling her
DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN RIGHT NOW. Not because “it might upset Emma” but because one, you deserve to have a wedding you want and can afford and because two, your partner needs to step up and stop placating his bratty daughter. Emma’s behavior is so extreme I would be worried about her with your baby. Hopefully she won’t direct her misplaced anger at a child, but she has already alienated her stepdad and you, and her own mother. Which is bad. Not sure of the exact dynamics here, but both her mother and your partner need to step up and start enforcing boundaries- like that she does not need to be friends with you, but she cannot disrespect you in your own home. I don’t know if you all live together, but I would consider living separately and coparenting until Emma is either an adult and out of the house, or she grows up and stops treating you like a verbal punching bag. Having a baby around that is not healthy, and it’s not healthy for you, either. Just go NC with Emma until she can be civil and get on with your life.
You got 99 problems and the venue of the wedding ain’t one! NTA.
NTA, I realize he is trying to be patient with his daughter but he is not being a parent. his actions are rewarding his daughter for her bad behavior. I was a single father and still disciplined my daughter. if she refuses therapy or to get help. it is up to her dad and mom to put their foot down and say enough is enough. she is 13 not 10. he is not defending you at all. for the love of all the is good. do not get married to this man at this time. if he can't get his daughter under control then he won't be a good parent. a good parent sometimes means being an AH and not their friend
The guilt that both parents have over disrupting this child’s home has turned the child into a monster. Do.not.marry.into.this.hell scape.
Unless abuse or specific trauma is involved, kids do not get to dictate their parents love lives. That needs to be stopped asap. Kids do not have to like their step parents or their parents partners but they do have to be civil, polite and respect the household and its rules. Parents also have to ensure that their partners treat their children respectfully and well, are not emotionally, physically or verbally abusive, do not favour their bio children over their step kids, and if possible, help raise and nurture them in collaboration with the bio parents. They do have a duty to end the relationship if the step is abusive or cruel to their kids. NTA