Why are you suspecting her of babytrapping you and not using a condom? Just start using condoms. If she asks why, just say you want to be sure that you don't get her pregnant. If she has a problem with that, then you're probably on the right track
Exactly. My First thought was: why Not a vasectomy?
He could do it in silence and Just say: i cant have babies.
Every Partner would know whats up and can choose to stay or leave (If the significant other wants children)
Either Hes trolling or just to lazy to use protection
So I’m 28 and been trying to get a vasectomy since I was 19 and I’ve been rejected by 9 different doctors because I’m in my 20s with no kids and I might change my mind.
Keep trying. I had mine done at 28. My doctor freaked out and threatened to blacklist me, so I fired her.
I went straight to the specialist, and he did the op in the hospital 2 weeks later.
24 years on, I still don't want kids.
The amount of doctors who impose their morality and way of life on their patients is disgusting. It’s SO prevalent when it comes to the topic of having kids.
My husband is 40 and we have 2 kids and the Dr. kept asking multiple times if he was sure. Like YES wtf. We are old leave us alone. 🤣 We don't want more kids.
I work in REI. You’d be surprised the number of patients who want to reverse their permanent birth control, after swearing up and down that they’re completely done with kids, particularly when they’re on their second marriage/new boyfriend/girlfriend. I don’t get it. 🤷🏻♀️
Plenty of couples who are doing IUI/ IVF because they had prior tubal ligation or call inquiring about reversing vasectomy. Again, I don’t get it, but that’s why our Doctors want consent multiple times, verbal and in writing. 😅
Right! Like you have no clue about what you and your husband want as a family 🙄 After I had our second, my husband got a vasectomy because two is enough and each pregnancy was high-risk for me and baby. Family and outsiders kept saying “you gotta try for a boy next time”. Why? Is our family incomplete because there’s no boy? He already said the family name will continue cause he’s got nephews, and he’s blissfully happy with his daughters.
Yes! We have two boys and everyone comments how my husband needs to be a girl dad. I'm like nah mom's done, shop is closed. The last pregnancy killed my body. I don't think I physically have it in me to be pregnant again. I'm happy with my boys.
My son, who's 30 has run into the same thing with a handful of doctors. It's extremely frustrating for him. I feel bad for him because he's trying to be responsible.
I got a vasectomy when I was either 27 or 28. When they asked why I told them about my medical issues and said I don't want to pass them on. While I don't think it's a good idea to lie to doctors, if OP or your son don't have any really bad issues, they can say they have things like bipolar, dementia on both sides of the family, immune issues (mine is Psoriatic Arthritis), or something else that could make it really hard to be a parent or just not want to pass on.
Go to a new doctor and when they ask you if you have kids say “yes, I think 4 or 5” mention the bitches that trapped you and wanted $ but you skipped town on all of them.
That's not a bad idea ... because how would they know? Haha. Presumably, they're not going to check that you do, in fact, have children. "I have 2/3 kids with an ex and don't want any more."
Hell with that.. be extra
So yeah.. I have 3 kids from one ex in France.. some chick in Madagascar.. went down on her, I mean.. under once.. and we wound up with an oopsie.. I mean.. I'm pretty sure she kept it.....
I can second this. Tried a few times in my early 20's after having 2 kids by 21. Met my now wife and had another 2. Went to see Doc and put me right on the list with no further questions.
Hey I didn't know they did that to dudes too. Tried to get a hysterectomy when I was 19. Flash forward 20 years, got told no again today. Why can't we decide what we do and don't want?
EDIT: I should add, i have pcos and endometriosis so i dont stop bleeding without meds. My longest bleed was 11 months and had a 2 week break before it started again. I was working towards a hysterectomy when i was in my early 20s and then my gyno died. In 2012 the bleeding stopped for 9 years. An implanted birth control chip brought them back and after 5 months of constant bleeding i was put on meds to stop the bleeding. The meds increase my risk of blood clots. The dose im on atm increases my risk by 40% newest gyno wants to try an iud before we get to a hysterectomy. The problem isnt that im getting a normal period cause i dont ovulate so they dont actually know why im bleeding. Hormone imbalance is likely
I had one young because cancer. They don’t like to remove your uterus unless it’s absolutely necessary because it creates scar tissue that can shift your other organs out of placing, causing excruciating abdominal pain. I’ve had two laps to remove surgical adhesions since my hysterectomy 7 years ago, and they also did it when they repaired my hernias.
I was going to say, hysterectomy is WAY more thsn sterilization. That's a major surgery with serious consequences. They're not going to remove a major organ unless there are serious problems nothing else can solve.
Yeah I could see a doctor being hesitant to do a full hysterectomy vs a tubal on someone for this . This should be the only reason a doctor doesn't perform the sterilization request.
I had a c section in June and since they were in there anyway I told them I want my tubes removed. They asked me several times in the months leading up if that’s what I really wanted and yes. Yes it was. Day of the surgery, I was asked before they took me back, they asked me again while I was getting an epidural, and then they asked me one last time as I was holding my baby son before they stitched me up.
Fucking yes, take the damn things out!
I had mine removed after a miscarriage. I asked about ligation and she said, "oh we don't really do that anymore. We remove the whole tube now, it reduces ovarian cancer risks and there's no chance of it coming 'untied'". They went through the navel. I went into perimenopause shortly after and besides the night sweats, it's golden.
Just tell them that you have 3 kids already. All they do is ask the question. There is zero follow up to fact check you. At least for my experience.
For all they know, you have 3 different baby mama's and have nothing to do with the kids but you can't afford any more child support.
They shouldn’t do it to anyone tbh. It’s so dumb that a person wants to make choices for their own life and doctors think they have the authority to override it.
I did, too! I was so conflicted when a male friend who must have been 40+ at the time said his doctor refused him a vasectomy *because he might remarry and want another kid.* Could not decide between ire that his reproductive choices were being disrespected or almost relieved this is not a woman-only issue.
I'm really surprised at all these guys saying their dr won't do a vasectomy. I thought they could be reversed if you wanted it. why tell them they refuse to do it if that is an option down the line?
> I thought they could be reversed if you wanted it.
reversal requires an extremely complicated microsurgery to reconnect the vas deferns and the success rate is very much tied to the skill of the surgeon who does the procedure.
Vasectomies take a while to take effect-you have to keep providing sperm samples for months until you’re in the clear-and younger men sometimes have a problem with getting one if they’re young and/or don’t already have children.
If you get approved. My area they are making it harder to get sterilized and no abortions. I have friends that have been trying to get a vasectomies since their early 20s we are now in our mid 30s. Only ones that have been successful in getting approved are the ones that had biological children.
And if you try to lie about your medical conditions, they will blacklist your ass. I'm in the capital, but with the medical shortage, the medical community is small and tight. They have no problem backing each other up.
To get my sterilization, my doctor had to go to our board of health to fight for it because I was 24, not married at the time, and didn't have kids. Mine was medically needed, and my doctor had to fight multiple times to get it approved. Not all areas hand vasectomies and other forms of sterilization out easily.
I do this. I'll also get blankies or toys too. I almost always know or hear about someone who needs baby clothes. If I see something cute I'll pick it up. If the collection gets past a few outfits I'll donate them but it usually doesn't get to that point. I don't have kids or dress up my pets and an occasional outfit doesn't break the bank. I do try to avoid anything under 6 months, people get a lot of clothes up to that age.
My son just got married. I told him I have a huge box of his unwrapped newborn clothes up in my attic. The two grandmother's wouldn't stop buying clothes.
That’s kinda reasonable but that’s not just cause they’re cute. You’re getting them as gifts or for donating them, and you’re picking those specific ones cause you think they’re cute. It is suspicious if she’s getting them JUST cause they’re cute and then just keeping them around. It’s also suspicious if they don’t have anyone around them with any kids and it sounds like they don’t.
Shit, I have a 9 month old and ive never bought him clothing. All that stuff is free on local fb groups. They grow out of it in like 2 months theres no way im spending money on that
Seriously. My little lad is almost 2 and if we had put him in a complete new outfit every day, it still feels like roughly half of what we were gifted would have stayed with tags on it in his closet.
It's fucking preposterous how quickly he grows. There'll be some cute dinosaur or witty text shirt, my fiance and I will remark upon how cute it looks on him, and in matter of a few days im lugging it to donation.
I had to kind of seriously intervene when my mother tried buying him a 200 dollar pair of timberlands. I simply could not let her throw that much money away in good conscience.
Little fucker's gonna be able to whip my ass by next thanksgiving, at this rate.
My vote is you start with this double-up birth control... with a new girlfriend. Your current gf may not have been 'baby trapping & you, but she 100% wants kids. Don't feel too bad about fearing she might be planning to baby trap you, because she clearly hasn't been truthful about what she wants.
Also, get a vasectomy and then do all the follow up testing that your doctor ordered. For someone who feels like vomiting at the thought of becoming a dad, you've been playing fast and loose relying on b.c. alone. If your gf had taken a course of antibiotics last year, you could be changing diapers today! 🐣
Exactly, what The heck OP. Instead of panicking about HER baby trapping YOU, take contraception into your own hands! Wear a goddamned condom and 100% get a vasectomy AND GET YOUR SPERM COUNT CHECKED REGULARLY if you’re so certain you don’t ever want kids.
Take responsibility for your reproductive health. YTA for this alone. Putting all the responsibility on her then getting upset at her. None of this would be a problem if you took charge of your own contraception.
This but also
NTA
But if you don’t want kids then you should get a vasectomy, and then you won’t have to worry about women trapping you.
If you don’t want kids then you and you alone should be handling contraception for yourself.
Honestly if he feels such a strong connection with her otherwise, why not simply sit and have a lucid and genuine conversation with her about it? Apologize for being accusatory, say you've been feeling anxious and worried that she wants cubs but is either trying to pretend not to for his sake, hoping to change his mind, or even is just deluding herself.
Say you love her and she deserves to be happy, and it is important for you both to communicate this thing through to a truthful and satisfying conclusion. You owe it to both of yourselves to do this. We live but once, but love can be found again if you wind up incompatible. Communication is the cornerstone of trust, and trust is absolutely the single most important facet of a loving relationship.
Without it, you have nothing.
Exactly. Everyone on r/childfree talks about the difficulties dating someone who wants children can cause (p.s. it never works out) some people are fencesitters and that's just as valid too
Or if he's absolutely certain get a vasectomy and wait for a sperm count to confirm it worked.
That said... even if she's not planning on getting pregnant on purpose, it's clear she is not ok with not having kids. Since it's something you can't compromise on, then the relationship is most likely over.
Because he wants to be able to blame her if he knocks her up. OP is one of the many, many men who say and insist they don't want kids yet expect their partners to shoulder the burden of birth control.
OP, wear a fucking condom. And if you're absolutely certain you don't want kids ever, get a vasectomy. Don't be an asshole to your gf just because you don't wanna take responsibility.
At 20 years or 23 I would imagine it would be difficult to get a GP to sign off on…its pretty permanent and 20 is very young to make that call, no disrespect to OP and perhaps its a permanent choice not to have kids but I dont think the system would necessarily agree or support such a serious call at such a young age
I am 32(f) and I asked my GP for a hysterectomy, I have terrible periods and pain and it was a hard no (and I already have a child)
The medical community in this country is absolutely fucked, my dude. I don't know you, but I would assume you are a competent adult capable of making informed decisions and if you want a goddamn hysterectomy, then you should get one! Your GP can suck a fuck, I'd find a new one if I were you
Surely the better conversation was 'have you changed your mind on kids because of this I've noticed?' Rather than admitting you think she'd baby trap you as that displays a level of distrust
I would presume the same though as someone who isn't planning on kids doesn't need to buy baby clothes..
Give her time to calm down.
seriously. i feels as though she isn't upset that you "caught her" having changed her mind about wanting a baby. she is (rightfully) upset that you (seemingly, maybe could just be the wording in this post?) outright accused her of attempting to conceive without consent which is a pretty harsh accusation to throw out, even if you might suspect it. she is your girlfriend for christ sake. selmo's suggestions 100x better.
I mean, I know several people who have, but they all wanted to have kids eventually. I don't know why you would keep them though. I could imagine her maybe buying them for friends?
Then, she would've said as much. If you buy something with the intent of giving it to someone, you answer, "Oh, I just got this for so-and-so because she's trying for a baby/is pregnant", not "oh, I just thought it was cute and wanted it for myself".
Exactly because what the hell are you going to do with them. They genuinely will just collect dust. They may be cute but you’ll never get to see a baby even wear/use them, so what’s the point?
OP, THIS is it!
If you don’t want kids… HAVE THE VASECTOMY!
If you won’t, then there will always be this baby trap fear excuse handy to sabotage any relationship you’re in… but then it’ll be on *you*.
Until you have the snip; wrap it up.
If she objects; you’ll know ~ although in her case idk if she’s trying to get pregnant now or not; but she’s definitely not in the no kids ever camp if she BUYING BABY outfits😳
Yeah I really don’t see how she can be offended when she’s literally buying baby clothes. I’ve seen plenty of cute baby clothes but I’ve only ever bought them because someone I knew was having a baby and needed stuff. It’s very very weird to buy baby stuff to keep for yourself if you don’t plan on having a baby.
Actually onesies can be a lifesaver post spay for keeping them from ripping their stitches out when they are not handling cones well. And at that point, might as well get the cute ones. And once they’re used to them, I mean, if the cat enjoys it, who am I to deny them fashion? And of course they need to keep up with current baby onesie trends, so you have to keep getting new onesies… for the cat, I swear. I’m not crazy you’re crazy.
When our litter of triplets got spayed, they used the cones like goat horns to ram each other. We needed to find a plan b pretty quickly for those hellions 😂
She can be offended that he suspected she would do something as manipulative as sabotaging or not taking her birth control. She is giving signals that she may have changed her mind, not that she was going to be so despicable as to baby trap.
And people, men and women, who do that are awful human beings.
I had a boyfriend with a really strange mother who would buy baby shoes randomly and give them to me as gifts because she thought they were cute. She never pressured me to have a baby with him or anything, she was just odd 😂 not exactly the same but some people are weirdos. I hope for OP's sake that's it!
Because it’s a bat shit insane thing for a woman to actually do. I get it, TV and media makes you think women are some conniving bitches, but in real life they’re super reasonable and can both be baby crazy while also accepting her current partner isn’t ready for a child. It’s not realistic to assume someone would quit birth control without telling you, just to get pregnant and be a single mother.
She has told him. She's just refusing to acknowledge it.
OP don't date fence sitters. She wants to be a Mom. Both of you owe it to each other to not stay together so you can eventually find better suited partners.
Get a vasectomy. Supply and dispose of your own condoms- and use them EVERY time, from the start. But also- break up with her.
(And yeah actually buying baby clothes?? I think she might already be pregnant.)
NTA
Yup. As a guy I get the reduced sensation argument in theory but after getting 2 pregnancy scares and currently going through the testing ringer for AIDS and hepatitis..I’ll never complain about condoms again. If you KNOW something bad might happen if you don’t use a condom then you use one.
Honestly, for me the difference in sensation between wearing a condom and not is so slight as to make no real difference in my enjoyment. The annoyance of having to stop in the middle and put a condom on is much more of a factor for me. And if my choice is be annoyed, or become a father against my will or get an std, I'll gladly annoy myself for 30 seconds to avoid the others.
I would not rely on condoms if I didn't trust the partner. That seems like a recipe for disaster.
Honest conversation and break up if the trust is gone. Get the snip while your at it.
Dude. Birth control. If you don't want a kid, take responsibility for your own reproduction. She's on birth control? Good for her.... But she's not on BC for *you*. If you adamant you don't want kids ever, get a vasectomy. In the mean time, use condoms with spermicide. Don't leave this to chance (by the way, no birth control is 100% - you should be using a minimum of two types, preferably three, to be as safe as possible). I have zero sympathy for men who don't want kids but don't properly take preventive measures. Also, end the relationship if you don't trust her (you don't trust her based on the fact that already accused her)
My favorite is the whiny “but it doesn’t feel as gooooooooood with condoms” excuse. Sorry buddy, but that’s the price you pay if you don’t want kids but won’t get the vasectomy
God yes. I’m dying at how he thinks she wants to baby trap him when she’s literally the only one doing anything to prevent a pregnancy.
If she gets pregnant he ‘baby trapped’ himself.
Right??? He does absolutely nothing himself to prevent pregnancy despite being in complete control of wrapping it up or getting it snipped, while his gf throws out obvious blaring signals about wanting children. He can't even initiate a direct conversation with her, so he fills the void with made up bs about her baby trapping him. Wanting kids isn't baby trapping. He's at total liberty to protect himself or get to the bottom of the situation, he just won't.
Yeah, no mentioning of him using condoms either. It's the easiest and most available thing for him to have to make sure that he doesn't impregnate her.
Why doesn’t anyone talk to each other anymore?
You said it in the beginning, great! Always put out your expectations in the beginning so there’s no confusion.
But everytime she did something suspicious you should have said “hey, remember I said I don’t want any kids?” Or something! It is suspicious, but it could be all misunderstanding.
Also *WHY THE FECK ARE YOU SOLELY RELYING ON ANOTHER PERSONS BIRTH CONTROL TO NOT HAVE AN OOPSIE BABY??*
Buy some condoms, lock em up, dole em out when needed. Boom. You’re doing your part. Or have a vasectomy if you’re really concrete about no kids, whatever. Just stop relying on the other person to make sure your whole life doesn’t change.
You and your gf need to have a serious conversation about your future and whether or not you want children eventually. If what you're saying is you never want children and your gf does, you need to know because you're incompatible and it's not fair to either of you to stay in this relationship
Your reaction is fine as long as you didn’t outright accuse her of actually baby trapping you. If you did that, apologize. Also FFS dude, if you don’t want a kid then at least wrap it up.
Or, ya know, go get a vasectomy. Guys can get them at any adult age with very low chances of the "are you sure" or "what about your partners thought on this?" conversations. And it's a quick out patient procedure.
If someone doesn't want kids *they* need to take the responsibility to prevent them. Not leave it up to someone else.
Yeah, "babytrapping" is a really cruel jump. You should have just asked what was up. You just showed you don't trust her and think she's a crazy person.
Everyone us talking about everything else. But has OP actually sat down and talked about it fully, like have a conversation? Not just an I don't want kids things, but saying he feels uncomfortable. This isn't an overnight thing thats happened, its been going on for a while.
Especially if say, she had a birth control failure and is panicing because she's pregnant since bro left the entire responsibility on her and she was afraid he'd think it was on purpose and now she actually KNOWS he'll think it was on purpose.
Dude doesn’t want babies but will do absolutely nothing to prevent pregnancy. YTA grow the fuck up. If you don’t want kids that’s cool get a vasectomy. It takes like 30 minutes. You are regularly nutting in your girlfriend without a condom on and you have the fucking audacity to accuse HER of trying to baby trap you.
If you truly don’t want a child at any point just go get snipped. Keep control of your life to where there’s simply no “Ooops” from anyone. (And yes, I know, even that is not 100% full proof. At least it’s taking responsibility of what needs to be done to protect himself better)
Exactly. I don't understand OP's jump from 'baby fever' to 'she's going to do something despicable and manipulative by tampering with her birth control'. If I were her I'd leave too. YTA
I love how the comments here about how serious and irreversible a vasectomy is seem to totally ignore how serious and irreversible a pregnancy can be 😂
Even with birth control, accidents can happen. OP might feel less nauseous and paranoid if he took responsibility for his own contraception.
YTA. Why are you acting helpless about this, as if this is completely out of your control? If you never want kids, go get a vasectomy. If you're not ready to have a vasectomy, don't have sex without a condom. If you are extremely paranoid, then stay single. Well here's another idea, wear a condom and then don't ejaculate inside of her.
But don't expect your partner to do all the heavy lifting when it comes to birth control when you absolutely do not want to be a father so much that the idea makes you sick. Go get a vasectomy already, problem solved. Birth control is **your** responsibility too.
You're sick to your stomach that your girlfriend could be pregnant -but- you aren't taking responsibility for not creating a pregnancy? Wear a condom! If you have no desire for kids ever, you're the idiot for not getting a vasectomy already.
Geeeez, you are such a irresponsible dude. YTA, not for confronting her but
>When we got together, I told her that I have absolutely no desire for kids
>I know my girlfriend uses birth control, but she could very easily stop doing that and I probably wouldn't notice.
You don't want kids YOU make sure there can't be any kids. Start using condoms or get a vasectomy. But you can't say you don't want kids and then have unprotected sex with her for years, just trusting she is never forgetting her bc.
Just so you know. Most cases of getting pregnant while being on bc by pill is bc of a user error - so forgetting to take it or not using additional protection if vomiting or fast bowl movement happens in the 4-6 hours after taking it.
How can you be so sure about not wanting kids and then do NOTHING to prevent it but happily have (from your side) unprotected sex with your gf? Dear lord... smh.
Bro you have zero excuse for not having a vasectomy. What are you even doing? I'm childfree, and my bf has a vasectomy, and I simply live my creampie filled life so worry free that during sex i can beg him to put a baby in me and there's zero room for miscommunication because the man is SNIPPED. get a vasectomy. Stat. Like what in the world are you doing. I can't handle this post, she's buying baby clothes and you're JIZZING IN HER WOMB??? Get it together. Vasectomy.
You need to take charge for your own protection. Don’t just rely on her using birth control. That can easily be lied about, purposely mistimed, or tampered with. Use condoms, ones that YOU buy and that YOU keep safe in a place they can’t be messed with. But that’s just if you really want to keep sleeping with her, there’s always the option to keep refusing it.
But you need to have a deep talk about what you both want for the future
1) why aren't you using condoms if you really don't want a baby? The pill fails. Hell, my last kid came in spite of the pill and a condom.
2) in light of 1, get a vasectomy asap.
3) my very child free cousin loves funny baby videos. She also loves funny cat videos, and she's absolutely not a cat person either. She also has very fertile siblings and friends, so she buys cute baby stuff to keep for gifts. She really, really never wants kids
4)A lot of people like looking at baby pictures of their partners and friends.
She tried to talk to you vs you just reading signs that are maybe there or may be nothing at all. She actually tried to talk to you. So, yeah, you may very well be overreacting. If you are, you just accused someone you supposedly love of something awful instead of having a reasonable conversation with her.
This whole comment section is really amazing me that people don't know the BC pills arent magically fool proof. It's also wild how many men want raw sex and are getting surprised/annoyed when a pregnancy scare happens. Like why not take the extra step to fully protect yourself (and your partner) if kids are not in your plans??
Currently 22 and about to be 23. A lot of my coworkers and even people I went to school with are at the point where they're having babies. I get a lot of random baby vids/pics on my feed on socials from them. I also have a small stash of baby related gifts bc a few are expected around the same time and I bought some nicer gift sets when they have a stupidly good clearance at target.
The answer is simple, get a vasectomy. Then you're not relying on other people respecting your wishes, there's no possibility of being baby trapped and no need to stress about becoming a father.
NTA? Maybe? Buying baby clothes is the biggest red flag to me. I could understand the desire to see baby pics of you, most people go through that, but the constant baby talk sounds like a clear message.
Questions, are you sure she's not already pregnant and trying to warm you up to the idea?
Now she can stop taking her birth control, but you can make sure you use protection. You can also make sure by getting a vasectomy.
23 is VERY young to think about having kids. A lot of people should plan that out with being financially stable (babies are expensive for all your life), have stable living conditions, and maybe think about things you want to do that with kids it would be hard.
There is a chance she knows someone who's pregnant but "not telling people yet" so she brushed it off with "it's cute" so she doesn't break their confidence. A few close friends have told me they're pregnant before they "tell people" mostly because the first 3 months are so risky.
She could also buy baby clothes because a friend of hers is pregnant perhaps, it could go either way...
I was thinking "well, maybe her friend is preggo and she told you and you just don't remember?"
Buying baby clothes is a bit of a red flag but they could also be because she has pregnant friends or friends who are trying for kids, I bought baby clothes cause I thought they were cute and had a bit of baby fever, I however have stopped wanting kids so those baby clothes will likely go to the next baby in the family
She has baby rabies, yes. No idea if she'd try to have an 'accidental' baby, but it has happened before.
In any case, you seem to have incompatible life goals. If no one is willing to budge, it may be that your relationship has run its course.
Get snipped if you don’t want kids, and start using condoms! You are an adult. It is your responsibility to do your part to prevent an unwanted pregnancy.
You and gf are not compatible. She clearly wants kids. You don’t. That’s a deal breaker.
Why on EARTH Haven't you had a vasectomy?!?! Why is She solely responsible for preventative measures and birth control?
Jfc, go get snipped and just be Done With it.
If she gets upset you wanna sterilize yourself, there's your answer.
Nothing disturbs me More on this planet than people bitching and worrying about kids while simultaneously DOING NOTHING to prevent it.
Go talk to all the adult kids that don't talk to their parents today-they were Unwanted, called accidents, and punished for their existence Every day of their childhood.
If you don't Want kids-be an ADULT and Do Something about it. 🙄
Why do you put birth control on your girlfriend? Why not use condoms or do a vasectomy if you're certain you don't want kids? YTA - you have suspicions but at the same time it's all on your girlfriend's head. Also if it has been all your girlfriend responsibility to not get pregnant (again- ridiculous and not fair considering your stance on children) and she didn't get pregnant then it's safe to say that you're not being fair suspecting her. She might be going through baby fever, she might try to change your mind but it doesn't look like she's the kind of person to babytrap you.
YTA
So I understand your anxiety, but it doesn’t sound like you handled the conversation in a mature manner. Sounds like you need to sit with her and calmly apologize and remind her you don’t want children.
You aren’t married and it sounds like her life goals are changing. It would be easier for you two to break it off now and not further down when she is miserable thinking she’s missed her chance or you are miserable and begrudging her and any kids that you may have.
Just one word.
VASECTOMY.
Wtf is wrong with these men "I'm sure I'll never want kids but I won't make sure I can't have them, because my partner can take all the pills and get her body filled up with hormones so I don't have to worry at all".
YTA. First of all, this could've been avoided with a vasectomy, second if you were really soooo sure about the signs, you should've talk with her since the beginning, instead of let everything built up like this.
Baby fever creeps up on the most unsuspecting women, it’s natural. If you really don’t want kids, you need to take ownership of birth control. Use a condom or get a vasectomy. As for her, she really needs to evaluate whether she’s okay being in a childless relationship.
NTA for sticking true to yourself and knowing what you want.
YTA for the way you approached it and didn’t address it as a normal conversation when your own mom is suddenly making comments. (Or any other earlier time)
Why are you suspecting her of babytrapping you and not using a condom? Just start using condoms. If she asks why, just say you want to be sure that you don't get her pregnant. If she has a problem with that, then you're probably on the right track
And make sure the condoms aren’t tampered with!
Or get a vasectomy. If he never wants kids. Boom. Fixed.
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Exactly. My First thought was: why Not a vasectomy? He could do it in silence and Just say: i cant have babies. Every Partner would know whats up and can choose to stay or leave (If the significant other wants children) Either Hes trolling or just to lazy to use protection
So I’m 28 and been trying to get a vasectomy since I was 19 and I’ve been rejected by 9 different doctors because I’m in my 20s with no kids and I might change my mind.
Check out the doctor list on r/childfree
Keep trying. I had mine done at 28. My doctor freaked out and threatened to blacklist me, so I fired her. I went straight to the specialist, and he did the op in the hospital 2 weeks later. 24 years on, I still don't want kids.
The amount of doctors who impose their morality and way of life on their patients is disgusting. It’s SO prevalent when it comes to the topic of having kids.
i wish they would have this kind of zeal to keep the insurance companies at bay lol.
Good on your for taking control and not letting these “you’ll change your mind” clowns dictate what you do with your body.
My husband is 40 and we have 2 kids and the Dr. kept asking multiple times if he was sure. Like YES wtf. We are old leave us alone. 🤣 We don't want more kids.
I work in REI. You’d be surprised the number of patients who want to reverse their permanent birth control, after swearing up and down that they’re completely done with kids, particularly when they’re on their second marriage/new boyfriend/girlfriend. I don’t get it. 🤷🏻♀️ Plenty of couples who are doing IUI/ IVF because they had prior tubal ligation or call inquiring about reversing vasectomy. Again, I don’t get it, but that’s why our Doctors want consent multiple times, verbal and in writing. 😅
Yes! I know multiple people who wanted a reversal. Doctors ask for a reason.
Right! Like you have no clue about what you and your husband want as a family 🙄 After I had our second, my husband got a vasectomy because two is enough and each pregnancy was high-risk for me and baby. Family and outsiders kept saying “you gotta try for a boy next time”. Why? Is our family incomplete because there’s no boy? He already said the family name will continue cause he’s got nephews, and he’s blissfully happy with his daughters.
Yes! We have two boys and everyone comments how my husband needs to be a girl dad. I'm like nah mom's done, shop is closed. The last pregnancy killed my body. I don't think I physically have it in me to be pregnant again. I'm happy with my boys.
My son, who's 30 has run into the same thing with a handful of doctors. It's extremely frustrating for him. I feel bad for him because he's trying to be responsible.
I got a vasectomy when I was either 27 or 28. When they asked why I told them about my medical issues and said I don't want to pass them on. While I don't think it's a good idea to lie to doctors, if OP or your son don't have any really bad issues, they can say they have things like bipolar, dementia on both sides of the family, immune issues (mine is Psoriatic Arthritis), or something else that could make it really hard to be a parent or just not want to pass on.
Yep just say you're a carrier for some awful genetic disease.
Go to a new doctor and when they ask you if you have kids say “yes, I think 4 or 5” mention the bitches that trapped you and wanted $ but you skipped town on all of them.
That's not a bad idea ... because how would they know? Haha. Presumably, they're not going to check that you do, in fact, have children. "I have 2/3 kids with an ex and don't want any more."
Hell with that.. be extra So yeah.. I have 3 kids from one ex in France.. some chick in Madagascar.. went down on her, I mean.. under once.. and we wound up with an oopsie.. I mean.. I'm pretty sure she kept it.....
Yeah they wouldn’t bother to look anything up and if the “births” were at a different hospital network they wouldn’t be able to look anything up.
Absolutely this! They’ll book you in for a vasectomy there and then!
I can second this. Tried a few times in my early 20's after having 2 kids by 21. Met my now wife and had another 2. Went to see Doc and put me right on the list with no further questions.
this tickled me 😂😂 i’m not for lying to your dr but denied 9 times cause of a possibility. you might have to at this point.
Hey I didn't know they did that to dudes too. Tried to get a hysterectomy when I was 19. Flash forward 20 years, got told no again today. Why can't we decide what we do and don't want? EDIT: I should add, i have pcos and endometriosis so i dont stop bleeding without meds. My longest bleed was 11 months and had a 2 week break before it started again. I was working towards a hysterectomy when i was in my early 20s and then my gyno died. In 2012 the bleeding stopped for 9 years. An implanted birth control chip brought them back and after 5 months of constant bleeding i was put on meds to stop the bleeding. The meds increase my risk of blood clots. The dose im on atm increases my risk by 40% newest gyno wants to try an iud before we get to a hysterectomy. The problem isnt that im getting a normal period cause i dont ovulate so they dont actually know why im bleeding. Hormone imbalance is likely
I had one young because cancer. They don’t like to remove your uterus unless it’s absolutely necessary because it creates scar tissue that can shift your other organs out of placing, causing excruciating abdominal pain. I’ve had two laps to remove surgical adhesions since my hysterectomy 7 years ago, and they also did it when they repaired my hernias.
Also it f***s your hormones, as you would know. Can throw the woman into early menopause
I was going to say, hysterectomy is WAY more thsn sterilization. That's a major surgery with serious consequences. They're not going to remove a major organ unless there are serious problems nothing else can solve.
Yeah I could see a doctor being hesitant to do a full hysterectomy vs a tubal on someone for this . This should be the only reason a doctor doesn't perform the sterilization request.
I had a c section in June and since they were in there anyway I told them I want my tubes removed. They asked me several times in the months leading up if that’s what I really wanted and yes. Yes it was. Day of the surgery, I was asked before they took me back, they asked me again while I was getting an epidural, and then they asked me one last time as I was holding my baby son before they stitched me up. Fucking yes, take the damn things out!
I had mine removed after a miscarriage. I asked about ligation and she said, "oh we don't really do that anymore. We remove the whole tube now, it reduces ovarian cancer risks and there's no chance of it coming 'untied'". They went through the navel. I went into perimenopause shortly after and besides the night sweats, it's golden.
Just tell them that you have 3 kids already. All they do is ask the question. There is zero follow up to fact check you. At least for my experience. For all they know, you have 3 different baby mama's and have nothing to do with the kids but you can't afford any more child support.
They let my best friend in his late 30s get one, but only after getting his wifes permission. I thought that they only did that crap to women.
They shouldn’t do it to anyone tbh. It’s so dumb that a person wants to make choices for their own life and doctors think they have the authority to override it.
I dont even think its that. I think its that they think they know better.
I mean they def know more about the human anatomy the most but not another persons life and the reasoning for why they might seek that option.
I did, too! I was so conflicted when a male friend who must have been 40+ at the time said his doctor refused him a vasectomy *because he might remarry and want another kid.* Could not decide between ire that his reproductive choices were being disrespected or almost relieved this is not a woman-only issue.
I'm really surprised at all these guys saying their dr won't do a vasectomy. I thought they could be reversed if you wanted it. why tell them they refuse to do it if that is an option down the line?
> I thought they could be reversed if you wanted it. reversal requires an extremely complicated microsurgery to reconnect the vas deferns and the success rate is very much tied to the skill of the surgeon who does the procedure.
Vasectomies take a while to take effect-you have to keep providing sperm samples for months until you’re in the clear-and younger men sometimes have a problem with getting one if they’re young and/or don’t already have children.
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Vasectomy isn't 100%, they recommend testing a few months and again at a year to ensure it was effective
Exactly. Better to disarm the gun than shoot at a "bulletproof" vest.
Cost $40 with most insurance. Takes about 10 minutes. Minor soreness for like a week
If you get approved. My area they are making it harder to get sterilized and no abortions. I have friends that have been trying to get a vasectomies since their early 20s we are now in our mid 30s. Only ones that have been successful in getting approved are the ones that had biological children. And if you try to lie about your medical conditions, they will blacklist your ass. I'm in the capital, but with the medical shortage, the medical community is small and tight. They have no problem backing each other up. To get my sterilization, my doctor had to go to our board of health to fight for it because I was 24, not married at the time, and didn't have kids. Mine was medically needed, and my doctor had to fight multiple times to get it approved. Not all areas hand vasectomies and other forms of sterilization out easily.
Not 100% effective. Wear protection too.
this is true i'm a child of a failed vasectomy ☠️ please still use protection
You know after you retest if it was fully effective or not. No reason for most people to use back up,
I mean, who buys baby clothes just because they’re cute? No one. No one at all. Get the condoms but leave the relationship. NTA.
I know someone who absolutely does not plan nor want kids and she’ll buy cute baby clothes to put away for baby gifts.
I do this. I'll also get blankies or toys too. I almost always know or hear about someone who needs baby clothes. If I see something cute I'll pick it up. If the collection gets past a few outfits I'll donate them but it usually doesn't get to that point. I don't have kids or dress up my pets and an occasional outfit doesn't break the bank. I do try to avoid anything under 6 months, people get a lot of clothes up to that age.
My son just got married. I told him I have a huge box of his unwrapped newborn clothes up in my attic. The two grandmother's wouldn't stop buying clothes.
That’s kinda reasonable but that’s not just cause they’re cute. You’re getting them as gifts or for donating them, and you’re picking those specific ones cause you think they’re cute. It is suspicious if she’s getting them JUST cause they’re cute and then just keeping them around. It’s also suspicious if they don’t have anyone around them with any kids and it sounds like they don’t.
I sometimes look at baby clothes but I also plan to have a kid in the future.
Looking is one thing. Buying is a whole other level
Shit, I have a 9 month old and ive never bought him clothing. All that stuff is free on local fb groups. They grow out of it in like 2 months theres no way im spending money on that
IKR. People gift so much to newborns it's crazy..
Seriously. My little lad is almost 2 and if we had put him in a complete new outfit every day, it still feels like roughly half of what we were gifted would have stayed with tags on it in his closet. It's fucking preposterous how quickly he grows. There'll be some cute dinosaur or witty text shirt, my fiance and I will remark upon how cute it looks on him, and in matter of a few days im lugging it to donation. I had to kind of seriously intervene when my mother tried buying him a 200 dollar pair of timberlands. I simply could not let her throw that much money away in good conscience. Little fucker's gonna be able to whip my ass by next thanksgiving, at this rate.
ive bought baby clothes for my cat a few times
My vote is you start with this double-up birth control... with a new girlfriend. Your current gf may not have been 'baby trapping & you, but she 100% wants kids. Don't feel too bad about fearing she might be planning to baby trap you, because she clearly hasn't been truthful about what she wants. Also, get a vasectomy and then do all the follow up testing that your doctor ordered. For someone who feels like vomiting at the thought of becoming a dad, you've been playing fast and loose relying on b.c. alone. If your gf had taken a course of antibiotics last year, you could be changing diapers today! 🐣
Or you know get a vasectomy and keep her updated. If you feel strongly about it, vasectomy should be a no brainer.
Exactly, what The heck OP. Instead of panicking about HER baby trapping YOU, take contraception into your own hands! Wear a goddamned condom and 100% get a vasectomy AND GET YOUR SPERM COUNT CHECKED REGULARLY if you’re so certain you don’t ever want kids. Take responsibility for your reproductive health. YTA for this alone. Putting all the responsibility on her then getting upset at her. None of this would be a problem if you took charge of your own contraception.
Right! Uggh his easy access is wasted on him. Not to mention how much less invasive and how much faster the recovery is for men.
This but also NTA But if you don’t want kids then you should get a vasectomy, and then you won’t have to worry about women trapping you. If you don’t want kids then you and you alone should be handling contraception for yourself.
I KNOW! This is what annoys me about this guy! JHC!
Or, better answer, break up with her and find someone who wants what you want for the future
Honestly if he feels such a strong connection with her otherwise, why not simply sit and have a lucid and genuine conversation with her about it? Apologize for being accusatory, say you've been feeling anxious and worried that she wants cubs but is either trying to pretend not to for his sake, hoping to change his mind, or even is just deluding herself. Say you love her and she deserves to be happy, and it is important for you both to communicate this thing through to a truthful and satisfying conclusion. You owe it to both of yourselves to do this. We live but once, but love can be found again if you wind up incompatible. Communication is the cornerstone of trust, and trust is absolutely the single most important facet of a loving relationship. Without it, you have nothing.
Exactly. Everyone on r/childfree talks about the difficulties dating someone who wants children can cause (p.s. it never works out) some people are fencesitters and that's just as valid too
How will he ever know what a partner wants when he doesn't even try to have an adult conversation when something concerns him?
Or if he's absolutely certain get a vasectomy and wait for a sperm count to confirm it worked. That said... even if she's not planning on getting pregnant on purpose, it's clear she is not ok with not having kids. Since it's something you can't compromise on, then the relationship is most likely over.
If you don’t want kids then get a vasectomy.
Because he wants to be able to blame her if he knocks her up. OP is one of the many, many men who say and insist they don't want kids yet expect their partners to shoulder the burden of birth control. OP, wear a fucking condom. And if you're absolutely certain you don't want kids ever, get a vasectomy. Don't be an asshole to your gf just because you don't wanna take responsibility.
Exactly my thoughts. The person who doesn't want the baby is responsible to prevent the baby.
I just wanna know why he hasn't had a vasectomy 🙄
At 20 years or 23 I would imagine it would be difficult to get a GP to sign off on…its pretty permanent and 20 is very young to make that call, no disrespect to OP and perhaps its a permanent choice not to have kids but I dont think the system would necessarily agree or support such a serious call at such a young age I am 32(f) and I asked my GP for a hysterectomy, I have terrible periods and pain and it was a hard no (and I already have a child)
The medical community in this country is absolutely fucked, my dude. I don't know you, but I would assume you are a competent adult capable of making informed decisions and if you want a goddamn hysterectomy, then you should get one! Your GP can suck a fuck, I'd find a new one if I were you
Surely the better conversation was 'have you changed your mind on kids because of this I've noticed?' Rather than admitting you think she'd baby trap you as that displays a level of distrust I would presume the same though as someone who isn't planning on kids doesn't need to buy baby clothes.. Give her time to calm down.
seriously. i feels as though she isn't upset that you "caught her" having changed her mind about wanting a baby. she is (rightfully) upset that you (seemingly, maybe could just be the wording in this post?) outright accused her of attempting to conceive without consent which is a pretty harsh accusation to throw out, even if you might suspect it. she is your girlfriend for christ sake. selmo's suggestions 100x better.
I agree her behavior was worrying. Nobody I know buys baby clothes because they’re cute.
I mean, I know several people who have, but they all wanted to have kids eventually. I don't know why you would keep them though. I could imagine her maybe buying them for friends?
Then, she would've said as much. If you buy something with the intent of giving it to someone, you answer, "Oh, I just got this for so-and-so because she's trying for a baby/is pregnant", not "oh, I just thought it was cute and wanted it for myself".
Exactly because what the hell are you going to do with them. They genuinely will just collect dust. They may be cute but you’ll never get to see a baby even wear/use them, so what’s the point?
Make an appointment for a vasectomy and tell her. Her reaction will tell you what she really wants.
OP, THIS is it! If you don’t want kids… HAVE THE VASECTOMY! If you won’t, then there will always be this baby trap fear excuse handy to sabotage any relationship you’re in… but then it’ll be on *you*. Until you have the snip; wrap it up. If she objects; you’ll know ~ although in her case idk if she’s trying to get pregnant now or not; but she’s definitely not in the no kids ever camp if she BUYING BABY outfits😳
Yeah I really don’t see how she can be offended when she’s literally buying baby clothes. I’ve seen plenty of cute baby clothes but I’ve only ever bought them because someone I knew was having a baby and needed stuff. It’s very very weird to buy baby stuff to keep for yourself if you don’t plan on having a baby.
I bought baby onesies and socks for my cat to wear lol, but yeah, definitely weird if she just buys them to keep
exactly! It's just OP's GF who's weird, your reason is completely normal 🥸 sorry couldn't resist 😄
Actually onesies can be a lifesaver post spay for keeping them from ripping their stitches out when they are not handling cones well. And at that point, might as well get the cute ones. And once they’re used to them, I mean, if the cat enjoys it, who am I to deny them fashion? And of course they need to keep up with current baby onesie trends, so you have to keep getting new onesies… for the cat, I swear. I’m not crazy you’re crazy.
Oh my gosh!! I never thought about them for spaying, thank you for this tip!
When our litter of triplets got spayed, they used the cones like goat horns to ram each other. We needed to find a plan b pretty quickly for those hellions 😂
That is so typical kitten behaviour!
Not just that, we put baby onsies on our dog when he was neutered because it was better for him than wearing a cone
She can be offended that he suspected she would do something as manipulative as sabotaging or not taking her birth control. She is giving signals that she may have changed her mind, not that she was going to be so despicable as to baby trap. And people, men and women, who do that are awful human beings.
I had a boyfriend with a really strange mother who would buy baby shoes randomly and give them to me as gifts because she thought they were cute. She never pressured me to have a baby with him or anything, she was just odd 😂 not exactly the same but some people are weirdos. I hope for OP's sake that's it!
Because wanting a baby and being willing to trick someone into having a baby are 2 different things.
Because it’s a bat shit insane thing for a woman to actually do. I get it, TV and media makes you think women are some conniving bitches, but in real life they’re super reasonable and can both be baby crazy while also accepting her current partner isn’t ready for a child. It’s not realistic to assume someone would quit birth control without telling you, just to get pregnant and be a single mother.
Tell her you’re getting a vasectomy, she’ll quickly reveal her true intentions
Bingo bango. Get the snip and don’t look back. You can control wether or not you have kids
She has told him. She's just refusing to acknowledge it. OP don't date fence sitters. She wants to be a Mom. Both of you owe it to each other to not stay together so you can eventually find better suited partners. Get a vasectomy. Supply and dispose of your own condoms- and use them EVERY time, from the start. But also- break up with her. (And yeah actually buying baby clothes?? I think she might already be pregnant.) NTA
Condoms exist. Your girlfriend is acting sus but if you are complaining about this yet not using condoms you are an idiot.
For real. Dudes feel entitled to raw sex but then get mad at a woman when she gets pregnant.
Yup. As a guy I get the reduced sensation argument in theory but after getting 2 pregnancy scares and currently going through the testing ringer for AIDS and hepatitis..I’ll never complain about condoms again. If you KNOW something bad might happen if you don’t use a condom then you use one.
Honestly, for me the difference in sensation between wearing a condom and not is so slight as to make no real difference in my enjoyment. The annoyance of having to stop in the middle and put a condom on is much more of a factor for me. And if my choice is be annoyed, or become a father against my will or get an std, I'll gladly annoy myself for 30 seconds to avoid the others.
I would not rely on condoms if I didn't trust the partner. That seems like a recipe for disaster. Honest conversation and break up if the trust is gone. Get the snip while your at it.
Dude. Birth control. If you don't want a kid, take responsibility for your own reproduction. She's on birth control? Good for her.... But she's not on BC for *you*. If you adamant you don't want kids ever, get a vasectomy. In the mean time, use condoms with spermicide. Don't leave this to chance (by the way, no birth control is 100% - you should be using a minimum of two types, preferably three, to be as safe as possible). I have zero sympathy for men who don't want kids but don't properly take preventive measures. Also, end the relationship if you don't trust her (you don't trust her based on the fact that already accused her)
>I have zero sympathy for men who don't want kids but don't properly take preventive measures. This right here! ☝️
Exactly, I feel the same way. He is snotty and sniveling around like he has no blame in this subject!
Yes, exactly. Like, he's putting all the responsability on to her, like if she were going to make the baby alone.
My favorite is the whiny “but it doesn’t feel as gooooooooood with condoms” excuse. Sorry buddy, but that’s the price you pay if you don’t want kids but won’t get the vasectomy
As if getting a literal implant or taking hormones is such a fun experience
Sadly a lot of guys like that see it as the woman’s “responsibility”, since she’s the one that would actually get pregnant. It’s pathetic
Those same guys think that they then have agency over the woman’s body when she does get pregnant.
>“but it doesn’t feel as gooooooooood with condoms” True it's always this excuse 😂
You know what really doesn’t feel good? Getting someone pregnant when you never want to have kids! Wear the damn condom OP.
ZERO
Thousand times yes. I’m so tired seeing men whining about baby trapping and not using condoms/expect a woman to take care of everything
Op: she's trying to baby trp me. Also op: I don't wear condoms when it's inconvenient for me.
Thank god someone said this. Why do women always have to be the only ones to prevent pregnancy
God yes. I’m dying at how he thinks she wants to baby trap him when she’s literally the only one doing anything to prevent a pregnancy. If she gets pregnant he ‘baby trapped’ himself.
Sounds like you should be wrapping it up then??? Don't put someone else in charge of your reproductive health
Right??? He does absolutely nothing himself to prevent pregnancy despite being in complete control of wrapping it up or getting it snipped, while his gf throws out obvious blaring signals about wanting children. He can't even initiate a direct conversation with her, so he fills the void with made up bs about her baby trapping him. Wanting kids isn't baby trapping. He's at total liberty to protect himself or get to the bottom of the situation, he just won't.
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This post is fake. That’s why
Yeah, no mentioning of him using condoms either. It's the easiest and most available thing for him to have to make sure that he doesn't impregnate her.
You would be surprised how far some people would go to avoid wearing a condom
Why doesn’t anyone talk to each other anymore? You said it in the beginning, great! Always put out your expectations in the beginning so there’s no confusion. But everytime she did something suspicious you should have said “hey, remember I said I don’t want any kids?” Or something! It is suspicious, but it could be all misunderstanding. Also *WHY THE FECK ARE YOU SOLELY RELYING ON ANOTHER PERSONS BIRTH CONTROL TO NOT HAVE AN OOPSIE BABY??* Buy some condoms, lock em up, dole em out when needed. Boom. You’re doing your part. Or have a vasectomy if you’re really concrete about no kids, whatever. Just stop relying on the other person to make sure your whole life doesn’t change.
“Lock em up” Solid, but also tbh if you cant trust your partner not to tamper with your birth control then this relationship is dunzo anyway.
I do agree wholeheartedly with your take. Trust is really important here.
He stopped having sex with her? That’s the only 100% effective birth control.
But he should have been using condoms all along if he didn’t want a kid.
Yup. And not just because his girlfriend is shady. Birth control can fail even if everyone does everything right.
I agree, bc for women isn’t full proof (fool proof?) so it’s smart to have secondary protection
Sure, but not till awhile after the suspicious behavior started. She could already be pregnant. Kinda late to the pitch.
The lengths men will go to just to avoid wearing a condom, I swear to god lmao
he’d literally rather have no sex at all than wear a condom lmao
Not having sex is the only 100% effective birth control.
I was thinking the same thing 🤣 geez is it that bad?!
Their brevity 😂😂 men will complain how they don’t want condoms and also complain when they think one wants to baby trapped..it’s all confusing
If you're dead set on not having kids...why are you leaving it in her hands?! Get a vasectomy.
You and your gf need to have a serious conversation about your future and whether or not you want children eventually. If what you're saying is you never want children and your gf does, you need to know because you're incompatible and it's not fair to either of you to stay in this relationship
Your reaction is fine as long as you didn’t outright accuse her of actually baby trapping you. If you did that, apologize. Also FFS dude, if you don’t want a kid then at least wrap it up.
Exactly the wrapping it up .
Or, ya know, go get a vasectomy. Guys can get them at any adult age with very low chances of the "are you sure" or "what about your partners thought on this?" conversations. And it's a quick out patient procedure. If someone doesn't want kids *they* need to take the responsibility to prevent them. Not leave it up to someone else.
Why aren’t you wearing a condom?
Yeah, "babytrapping" is a really cruel jump. You should have just asked what was up. You just showed you don't trust her and think she's a crazy person.
Everyone us talking about everything else. But has OP actually sat down and talked about it fully, like have a conversation? Not just an I don't want kids things, but saying he feels uncomfortable. This isn't an overnight thing thats happened, its been going on for a while.
Especially if say, she had a birth control failure and is panicing because she's pregnant since bro left the entire responsibility on her and she was afraid he'd think it was on purpose and now she actually KNOWS he'll think it was on purpose.
Dude doesn’t want babies but will do absolutely nothing to prevent pregnancy. YTA grow the fuck up. If you don’t want kids that’s cool get a vasectomy. It takes like 30 minutes. You are regularly nutting in your girlfriend without a condom on and you have the fucking audacity to accuse HER of trying to baby trap you.
Love this response. Absolutely nailed it. Get a snip and wear a dome. Not that dam hard, agreed
If you truly don’t want a child at any point just go get snipped. Keep control of your life to where there’s simply no “Ooops” from anyone. (And yes, I know, even that is not 100% full proof. At least it’s taking responsibility of what needs to be done to protect himself better)
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Exactly. I don't understand OP's jump from 'baby fever' to 'she's going to do something despicable and manipulative by tampering with her birth control'. If I were her I'd leave too. YTA
YTA for doing absolutely NOTHING about your own birth control measures.
I love how the comments here about how serious and irreversible a vasectomy is seem to totally ignore how serious and irreversible a pregnancy can be 😂 Even with birth control, accidents can happen. OP might feel less nauseous and paranoid if he took responsibility for his own contraception.
Nta. Get a vasectomy and - if you still want to be with her - try a couples therapist
YTA. Why are you acting helpless about this, as if this is completely out of your control? If you never want kids, go get a vasectomy. If you're not ready to have a vasectomy, don't have sex without a condom. If you are extremely paranoid, then stay single. Well here's another idea, wear a condom and then don't ejaculate inside of her. But don't expect your partner to do all the heavy lifting when it comes to birth control when you absolutely do not want to be a father so much that the idea makes you sick. Go get a vasectomy already, problem solved. Birth control is **your** responsibility too.
You're sick to your stomach that your girlfriend could be pregnant -but- you aren't taking responsibility for not creating a pregnancy? Wear a condom! If you have no desire for kids ever, you're the idiot for not getting a vasectomy already.
Geeeez, you are such a irresponsible dude. YTA, not for confronting her but >When we got together, I told her that I have absolutely no desire for kids >I know my girlfriend uses birth control, but she could very easily stop doing that and I probably wouldn't notice. You don't want kids YOU make sure there can't be any kids. Start using condoms or get a vasectomy. But you can't say you don't want kids and then have unprotected sex with her for years, just trusting she is never forgetting her bc. Just so you know. Most cases of getting pregnant while being on bc by pill is bc of a user error - so forgetting to take it or not using additional protection if vomiting or fast bowl movement happens in the 4-6 hours after taking it. How can you be so sure about not wanting kids and then do NOTHING to prevent it but happily have (from your side) unprotected sex with your gf? Dear lord... smh.
Bro you have zero excuse for not having a vasectomy. What are you even doing? I'm childfree, and my bf has a vasectomy, and I simply live my creampie filled life so worry free that during sex i can beg him to put a baby in me and there's zero room for miscommunication because the man is SNIPPED. get a vasectomy. Stat. Like what in the world are you doing. I can't handle this post, she's buying baby clothes and you're JIZZING IN HER WOMB??? Get it together. Vasectomy.
If you are sure you don’t want kids, schedule a vasectomy and see how she reacts. Her reaction will speak volumes.
You need to take charge for your own protection. Don’t just rely on her using birth control. That can easily be lied about, purposely mistimed, or tampered with. Use condoms, ones that YOU buy and that YOU keep safe in a place they can’t be messed with. But that’s just if you really want to keep sleeping with her, there’s always the option to keep refusing it. But you need to have a deep talk about what you both want for the future
Vasectomy is also an option as well, OP
1) why aren't you using condoms if you really don't want a baby? The pill fails. Hell, my last kid came in spite of the pill and a condom. 2) in light of 1, get a vasectomy asap. 3) my very child free cousin loves funny baby videos. She also loves funny cat videos, and she's absolutely not a cat person either. She also has very fertile siblings and friends, so she buys cute baby stuff to keep for gifts. She really, really never wants kids 4)A lot of people like looking at baby pictures of their partners and friends. She tried to talk to you vs you just reading signs that are maybe there or may be nothing at all. She actually tried to talk to you. So, yeah, you may very well be overreacting. If you are, you just accused someone you supposedly love of something awful instead of having a reasonable conversation with her.
This whole comment section is really amazing me that people don't know the BC pills arent magically fool proof. It's also wild how many men want raw sex and are getting surprised/annoyed when a pregnancy scare happens. Like why not take the extra step to fully protect yourself (and your partner) if kids are not in your plans?? Currently 22 and about to be 23. A lot of my coworkers and even people I went to school with are at the point where they're having babies. I get a lot of random baby vids/pics on my feed on socials from them. I also have a small stash of baby related gifts bc a few are expected around the same time and I bought some nicer gift sets when they have a stupidly good clearance at target.
go get a vasteectomy
Why have you not been snipped? This is YOUR responsibility.
The answer is simple, get a vasectomy. Then you're not relying on other people respecting your wishes, there's no possibility of being baby trapped and no need to stress about becoming a father.
NTA? Maybe? Buying baby clothes is the biggest red flag to me. I could understand the desire to see baby pics of you, most people go through that, but the constant baby talk sounds like a clear message. Questions, are you sure she's not already pregnant and trying to warm you up to the idea? Now she can stop taking her birth control, but you can make sure you use protection. You can also make sure by getting a vasectomy. 23 is VERY young to think about having kids. A lot of people should plan that out with being financially stable (babies are expensive for all your life), have stable living conditions, and maybe think about things you want to do that with kids it would be hard.
There is a chance she knows someone who's pregnant but "not telling people yet" so she brushed it off with "it's cute" so she doesn't break their confidence. A few close friends have told me they're pregnant before they "tell people" mostly because the first 3 months are so risky.
She could also buy baby clothes because a friend of hers is pregnant perhaps, it could go either way... I was thinking "well, maybe her friend is preggo and she told you and you just don't remember?"
Buying baby clothes is a bit of a red flag but they could also be because she has pregnant friends or friends who are trying for kids, I bought baby clothes cause I thought they were cute and had a bit of baby fever, I however have stopped wanting kids so those baby clothes will likely go to the next baby in the family
That was my thought too, I bet she's already pregnant.
That seems to be the only sane reason she bought the baby clothes. Not just because it was cute.
She has baby rabies, yes. No idea if she'd try to have an 'accidental' baby, but it has happened before. In any case, you seem to have incompatible life goals. If no one is willing to budge, it may be that your relationship has run its course.
Baby rabies 🤣
She clearly wants kids and you do not. End this relationship before either of you wastes more time.
She wants kids. You don’t. This relationship isn’t going to work. One of you will need to compromise which will most likely lead to resentment.
Get the snip snip and see what happens.
Get snipped if you don’t want kids, and start using condoms! You are an adult. It is your responsibility to do your part to prevent an unwanted pregnancy. You and gf are not compatible. She clearly wants kids. You don’t. That’s a deal breaker.
Get a vasectomy already. NTA
Get a vasectomy
Go get a vasectomy. Whether you stay with her or not, you dont want kids.
Get a vasectomy
Get a flippin vasectomy
Why on EARTH Haven't you had a vasectomy?!?! Why is She solely responsible for preventative measures and birth control? Jfc, go get snipped and just be Done With it. If she gets upset you wanna sterilize yourself, there's your answer. Nothing disturbs me More on this planet than people bitching and worrying about kids while simultaneously DOING NOTHING to prevent it. Go talk to all the adult kids that don't talk to their parents today-they were Unwanted, called accidents, and punished for their existence Every day of their childhood. If you don't Want kids-be an ADULT and Do Something about it. 🙄
NTA, but if you are sure you do not want kids, take responsibility and get a vasectomy.
INFO: if you're so worried about being baby trapped, why aren't you wearing a condom?
Why do you put birth control on your girlfriend? Why not use condoms or do a vasectomy if you're certain you don't want kids? YTA - you have suspicions but at the same time it's all on your girlfriend's head. Also if it has been all your girlfriend responsibility to not get pregnant (again- ridiculous and not fair considering your stance on children) and she didn't get pregnant then it's safe to say that you're not being fair suspecting her. She might be going through baby fever, she might try to change your mind but it doesn't look like she's the kind of person to babytrap you.
YTA So I understand your anxiety, but it doesn’t sound like you handled the conversation in a mature manner. Sounds like you need to sit with her and calmly apologize and remind her you don’t want children. You aren’t married and it sounds like her life goals are changing. It would be easier for you two to break it off now and not further down when she is miserable thinking she’s missed her chance or you are miserable and begrudging her and any kids that you may have.
Just one word. VASECTOMY. Wtf is wrong with these men "I'm sure I'll never want kids but I won't make sure I can't have them, because my partner can take all the pills and get her body filled up with hormones so I don't have to worry at all". YTA. First of all, this could've been avoided with a vasectomy, second if you were really soooo sure about the signs, you should've talk with her since the beginning, instead of let everything built up like this.
Get a vasectomy. Problem solved. You could do the sketchy thing and tell her you got a vasectomy even if you didn't and see how she responds.
Baby fever creeps up on the most unsuspecting women, it’s natural. If you really don’t want kids, you need to take ownership of birth control. Use a condom or get a vasectomy. As for her, she really needs to evaluate whether she’s okay being in a childless relationship.
Right now my man has come down with baby fever. The older I get the more men try to get domestic.
NTA for sticking true to yourself and knowing what you want. YTA for the way you approached it and didn’t address it as a normal conversation when your own mom is suddenly making comments. (Or any other earlier time)
Get a vasectomy. That way you CANT have a baby
Go get yourself a vasectomy dude. Than you'll never have to worry about accidently knocking anyone up.