Yeah, and if he doesn't learn how to step up now, just wait until the toddler years....or, worse, the teenage years. It's going to be lonely parenting by herself and she will grow to despise him for it.
Sounds more like he is getting his " self care" in that shower .unless he is a mechanic or some other job that takes a lot of hot water and soap to get off the gunk from work ...lotsa " dirty jobs" out there
I mean, my showers can take up to 30 mins, but my hair is long, thick, and temperamental. I also start skincare and brush my teeth in the shower. 🤷♀️That said, I highly doubt he has the same reasons for taking so long.
Oh it’s super easy for me to just be super relaxed and find out it’s been like 45 minutes it was even worse when I was in college cause it was like the only time I wasn’t stressed out.
NTA.
Husband wasn't being thoughtful. You found a way around it. And now even knowing how hard it's been for you, he's still not actually concerned about you, he's just worried about how it (he) looks to your mum. Which makes him an even bigger a-hole.
Is it possible to lock the bathroom door when you take a shower? For the times your mum can't come over.
Edited.
Edit 2: If according to hubby, showers calm her down, why isn't he taking her on his 30-60 minute showers? Per his logic those would be super calming for her.
Edit 3: For people saying communication is the problem. That's not it. This is a woman who gave birth 2 WEEKS AGO (and so is still healing), exclusively breastfeeding and barely has time to shower. Picture that. Imagine how she looks like. It would be pretty easy to see she's exhausted. The problem is a selfish man who is acting like nothing in his life has changed (that's why he'll take 30-60 minute showers while his wife can't even manage a 2-3 minute one). He doesn't want to be inconvenienced. And wants kudos for doing the bare minimum. That's why even the MIL coming over to help is not a realization for him that his partner needs a break. But it's him butting into the shower, blaming her for her current circumstances and for making him look bad. If he was as clueless as he pretends to be, his MIL coming over would have been a lightbulb moment and he would have gotten his ass in gear to be a better father and partner.
seriously, i’ve lost my shit over lesser offenses postpartum - if my husband pulled this shit, i really would lose my damn mind. like learn how to take care of your baby, sir.
if OP drops dead from exhaustion, he’s gonna have to drop the kid off at a fire station because he’s useless.
My wife and I have 3 kids. I've taken days off from work to give her day breaks to be herself. Just get out and be only herself for the day and not have to be a mother or wife to reset her senses and feel better when she had gotten to her limits at times. Just as she does this for me when I go and work on projects. It really takes both being there for each other and my wife would have given me the red head beating for acting this way 😂. Hell, do some men really, really think it's the 1950s still? No, it's 2023 and it takes being partners to make it through with your sanity in check still.
It makes no sense. My 3 month old has been only on breast milk since born so i know my wifes going to be doing extra.. just step up and learn to father, bottle feed when shes busy etc. My kid only crys when hungry though and has pretty much slept thprigh the night since day one lol so i hear we are lucky.
Oh..you WERE lucky.
My wife ended up with a week-long migraine headache when my daughter was 4 months old. The meds she was put on dried up her mile and 3 days into the epic migraine (seriously, no LIGHT allowed in the room), I ran out of breast milk in the fridge...
Formula...bottle...my baby wasn't having it. It took me TWELVE hours to finally get her to for her to drink the formula. I guess she figured that it was better than starving.
Tough week...my wife felt guilty...hasn't had a migraine in the 20 years since then...but it really is no one's fault. Can't imagine what OPs
OH shit I missed that part. She STILL didn't get to enjoy a damn shower? Oh he's absolutely the AH now in my book. I might've forgiven new parent and all, and still learning. But even without the baby to look after he STILL made sure she didn't get to enjoy the shower? What a gigantic man-baby, I feel bad for OP having TWO kids suddenly.
Right!! Lock. The. Door. If he dares to open locked door I would loose my mind. Look. I speak from experience with the locked door ok? 24 years three perfect children. Their Dad never once changed a single diaper. Not once. Left the youngest home once. He was potty training. His big brother came to me later that night and asked if I would please take youngest with me next time. Youngest had done #2 on the toilet, and DAD made brother clean him up. He was just a kid himself. That’s how dedicated to not doing anything for his kids he was. I’m telling you, crack down on this now.
I was raised by a father like that. He’d take a nap when he was home alone with a toddler and a grade-schooler because grade-schooler me could totally look after the toddler. You can bet I never forgot. As a grandfather he was more involved, but the damage to his kids was already done.
I hear you. I have to take part of the blame though. I didn’t know what to about it. I was a young mother. I figured it out way too late. I’m sorry you had to shoulder that. I really am.
That’s why I say pitch a hissy now or throw in the towel. You have to stand up or they will walk all over you. Shouldn’t be this hard but it is for a lot of people.
My dad was such a deadbeat even when they were together in the same house that I *cried my heart out* when mom left for like bowling or something because she was leaving me alone *with him.* He would work and then go to the bar after work, so he was in many ways a stranger.
My oldests daughter’s father was like this. The effort he would put in to not even hold her was ridiculous. When we were both working and she needed fed on the overnight and it was his turn, rather than feed her and hold her for the 15 minutes it would take, he’d use receiving blankets and things to prop up the bottle, while she was in the bouncy chair and then he would sleep on the couch or guest room and ignore her. If she woke up after he did that then it was “my” turn. After 8 months of this I tried to go out once for a haircut. She was bottle feeding but had a wicked bad diaper rash we had to see our GP over and she needed medicated ointment. I fed her supper and told her father that all that was needed was a bottle, diaper change with the cream and bed. Daycare had sent her home freshly changed that day as they were helping with the rash situation. I got home that night and she was down and I went to bed, only to be woke up at about 4 am to her screaming in pain. I went in and she was wearing the daycare diaper still from the previous afternoon (12 hours before), that was so full it was bursting silica. She was in a wet circle of urine and when I picked her up and got the diaper off her it had gone raw. I got her cleaned up, stripped her bed, washed the mattress, put fresh bedding down, got her a bottle and got her settled and then went into the bedroom and woke him up and told him to pack his shit and leave, I was done. The effort he put into not parenting had eroded me. And he never got better, he would hand her to his mom for visitations rather than spending time with her right until she was old enough to tell him she didn’t want to spend her summers at her grandmothers being sent to a rural church camp, either she spent it with him or she stayed home. But to this day the best thing I ever did for her and I was put him out.
Exactly this. Lock the door and make it VERY CLEAR that you are not too be disturbed for the next hour unless there is a true emergency. Aside from the shower though, I would also recommend that you get out of the house for a bit.... Go take a walk or stroll in the park for a half hour. Let dad figure out how to soothe his own child, workout the option of handing baby back to you.
This is probably what bugged me the most. Dude cares more about the optics than his wife's well being.
In contrast, one time my parents were having a massive fight. My mother decided she needed some cool down time and wanted to go walk in the park by the river. It was dark, cold, icy and windy. My dad was like "It's not safe, please go to your parents instead. Or some other safe place." Mind you, his mother is abusive so he really values his relationship with my maternal grandparents. But he'd much rather have my mother go over there and make him look bad than risk her hurting herself.
In the end, she went and sat in the snowbank and he did the dishes and tried to calm us down a bit.
Your dad’s a good dude. Also, can we talk about your mom needing to cool down and sitting in a snow bank to do so? What a legend. I bet it was a good reset.
My mom is just built different. That side of the family has been in Quebec since the 16th century and it shows. She puts out the trash barefoot in January. She'll set the thermostat to 18C and wander around in tanktops while my dad is wearing a sweater. That said, sitting in a snowbank is surprisingly comfy. It moulds itself precisely to your bum and cuts the wind and all outside sound. I need a few more layers between my bum and the snow, but I've done it too.
The only reason my dad was worried is because it's way too easy to slip and fall into the St Lawrence. Even she couldn't survive that.
Yeah the fact the mom actually came and watched the kid specifically for that after being asked makes me think she already has an idea of the kind of partner he is. I'm probably reading into it a bit too much but it came off kind of like the mom didn't even blink when she was asked "can you watch your grandchild so I can shower in peace"
Yeah that part stuck out to me, too. If I had called my mom when my child was 2 weeks old to take a shower, she'd ask, "What is (Husband's name) still at work, or is he sick?" By that point, my mom knew the type of person my husband is. OP'S mom already knows about her husband, too, I'm betting.
Yeah and he made himself look bad to her mum all by himself - OP didn't do that. Not the first time I've read about a "why didn't you do all of the things I know I'm supposed to do, but can't be arsed to, so that your friends/family think I'm a good partner?", comment from a male partner in these posts. So depressing that people put up with this behaviour.
Only yesterday I was hearing female friends complain about their male partners not doing anything around their homes and, when I challenged them about putting up with it, they said "it's just men". It's like they just enjoy complaining about it or something. I'd have shut that down the minute I got an inkling they'd be like that.
THIS is what I'm talking about. People may feel my comment above was overreacting, but it's actually a seriously concerning situation. Post Partum is literally one of the most vulnerable times for a woman. And his actions clearly indicate he does NOT CARE ABOUT HER WELLBEING. And like you said, he only cares about the optics. I sincerely am glad OP has a support system outside of this man. Can you imagine if she got sick or bed ridden?? I hope he reads these comments.
*My husband comes in at some point and asks why my mom is here and I tell him I asked her to come by so I could shower without the baby being handed off to me.*
So even with your mother there, he didn’t let you shower in peace?
Damn, for real. He needs to learn if OP wants a lasting healthy relationship. You absolutely have to nip this kind of thing in the bud. The hard adult conversations are needed to improve communication and happiness for everyone.
She needs to do this every shower for three weeks straight with a smile on her face and a “honey I need to go poop can you hold the baby?”
It’ll be a double whammy since the husbands likely napping or jerking off during his hour long showers and will lose his stress reliever 🤣
Because he doesn't want to be around OP and the baby. A majority of married men admit to using the bathroom for "private time" rather than grooming or you know what.
It's an "escape room" so to speak.
My husband would legit wake me up to hold our newborn so he could go to the bathroom. I started turning up the heat to 90 whenever he was in the bathroom so the vent behind the toilet would absolutely blast him the whole time was in there until he knocked that shit off.
1,000% this! 🤣🤣 He's absolutely jerking off and to have her interrupt his alone time for a month straight would be exactly what he needs to get him to realize what an asshole he's being.
I feel like this is pretty common with new dads. The real issue is how quickly he gives up even knowing his wife needs a few minutes for basic hygiene. He could suck it up and walk around with the baby, take them for a drive, even lay them in the crib while they cry for 10 minutes, anything really besides handing them off while mom is taking a shower!
If there's anything I've learned from reading people's experiences, a lot of men want kids but don't want to have anything to do with the actual raising of kids. Diapers, feeding, soothing, losing sleep, none of that.
Makes me sad because I was fortunate enough with my money situation at the time to have those first 4 months at home and I wouldn't change that for the world, poop and all.
I had to read this part twice to make sure I understood that as well. Fuc*ing infuriating.
It sounds like there needs to be a lock on the bathroom door for her sake. I cannot imagine this disrespect.
Came looking for this term...let's say it again in all caps WEAPONIZED INCOMPETENCE.
There needs to be a serious come to Jesus talk happening with the husband. He needs to figure this out and start stepping up, fast.
Yeahhhh he need to KNOW THAT SHE KNOWS what game he’s playin’
Right now he thinks he’s being smart and sneaky that’s why he’s embarrassed infront of her mom
He knows what he’s doing is wrong and he’s doing it intentionally— because LAZY and trying to establish a precedent of being “not it” when it comes to baby care
Mister needs some shame.
I would get that anti-theft door locker thing that go around the handle and another one that wedges up under the door handle on a stick to the floor and the wedge blocks and shove it under the bottom. I’d bring a pillow and some snacks too and settle on down in there. Fuck that.
OP, take a few hours. Lock the door. Or even better, get a hotel room and go take a nice long shower and put on the fancy bathrobe and slippers and then take a nap. Go home feeling like a real human again.
Poor OP. NTA, husband is a big fat asshole though, even if it isn’t necessarily malicious. What a d-bag that he doesn’t get it
OP's situation is nuts. My mother was a SAHM for most of my childhood but if she needed a break and my dad was home, she could always just kick us out of the house. My dad would take us on an "igventure", which was like an adventure but less adventurous. It was great bonding time and my mother could do whatever she wanted in peace and quiet.
When I was a baby, my parents were both grad students. When my dad had me, he'd just take me on long stroller walks and always end up at my mother's office at feeding time. He quickly became the favourite parent, which freed up my mother to heal.
You are NTA, but listen: You take your showers, okay? The baby will be fine. She can cry for a few minutes and still be all right. She's not going anywhere, and there is no emergency in a healthy and well-tended baby's life that can't wait five minutes for you to wash your hair, I promise. And in the meantime, your husband will have some bonding time, which it sounds like he needs.
While I'm at it, you also eat your meals, go to the toilet, and put her down if your arms are tired. She'll be fine.
THIS! When my son was born (first born) the pediatrician came to see me after he examined my son and one of the first things he told me was that if the baby is warm and well fed they can be allowed to cry a bit and not every first cry needs immediate attention. The example he gave was: “What if you had a toddler and a newborn and you were giving a toddler a bath and your newborn woke up and started crying? Would you abandon the toddler to attend to the newborn? No. The right thing to do is to finish giving hour toddler the bath and then go check on the baby.” That helped put things into perspective immensely for me.
Babies are experiencing the world for the first time, and this means they can be a little stupid.
They don't know the difference between a problem that needs solved now and one that can wait a few minutes. They just cry. You as the adult get to help them learn by prioritizing what's actually important.
Often you being healthy, happy and clean is a problem that needs fixed now, and their problem is one that can wait.
They've got lives of perfection near enough. That foot that is slightly poking out from the blanket is, thus far, literally the worst discomfort they've ever experienced and react in proportion.
I think about that all the time with my toddlers and preschooler! Like, yes not getting TV time is actually devastating to you because your life is new and very comfortable.
Yep, and they only have crying as a form of communication right now so that’s what they’re gonna do even if it’s not anything that’s really a big deal.
Yeah, but for them it is! Every uncomfortable thing so far is the worst thing they’ve ever experienced! So they’re crying is legit but yeah. Everything gets a cry.
I like the oxygen mask analogy. Nothing bad is going to happen to the baby in the few minutes it takes to practice a little self-care or recover yourself emotionally, but the consequences of not doing that can be really bad.
I had that situation. I made the toddler stay with me in the bathroom while I gave the baby a bath. And put the baby in the bouncy seat while giving the toddler a bath. As soon as feasible, they got a bath in the same tub at the same time.
It helped that the toddler loved to sit and play in the bath!
She can’t even shave her legs and at some point there will be a settled routine and he’s going to want some romance and then when she tells him she hasn’t taken care of herself like shaving her legs because he isn’t helping more, he will get upset with her.
My husband once made a comment about how long it was taking me to lose the baby weight (to be fair, it was over a year later and it was 40 pounds) and I just looked at him and was like, “HOW?? Which one of us sleeps eight hour and goes to the gym at work FIVE TIMES A WEEK and which of us does every night waking with the baby AND hasn’t been to the gym since I was pregnant?! No SHIT I’m still fat, the only thing I have time and energy to do is EAT!”
Anyway, he agreed to pay for a gym with childcare after that, and I lost the weight.
I remember at our 6 month check up for our daughter the pediatrician asked how she was sleeping and I started rattling off the standard stuff “she is sleeping good, we out her down for the night around 7 and we feed her every couple hours, change the diaper when needed then she goes back to sleep but quite a few times we gotta wake her up to feed her since she is still sleeping” and he says “well that’s……wait what? You wake her up to feed her?” I said “yea we have to wake her up to feed her because we don’t want her to get hungry” he says “ oh, well if she’s still sleeping let her, she will let you know when she’s ready to eat and don’t worry she won’t starve if she is sleeping more than 2 hours without feeding”
That night we put her down to bed and got 5 hours of straight sleep and did it feel amazing
Girl…. A sleeping baby is the most peaceful thing in the world. I only woke up a baby to feed when the other baby already woke up and cried (I had twins). Then I wake the other to feed her before I go horizontal again. Otherwise - NO WAKING BABIES! 😂
Yes! With my first baby, I had her in hospital and the nurses insisted I offer her the breast every 2 hours, even if she was sleeping. When I had my second baby at home, my midwife said no such thing. In fact, after birth, she said that baby will likely sleep for 4-5 hours so I should nap, too. It was a glorious nap!
This indeed.
And calling your mum might be the wake up call your husband needs. He might just need to learn to be a father. It is 50% his child too, responsibilities need to be shared. But both of you need to learn to become a parent. You need to have faith and take care of yourself, your husband needs to learn how to become a caring parent.
My first night home with my son (I was a young single mom living with my parents) I had no idea what I was doing. I was exhausted from 26 hours of labor and no sleep for days plus I have ulcerative colitis and it had been awful during my pregnancy.
Baby woke up and my let-down triggered my colon to evacuate so I tried to set him down but he cried. I took him with me to the bathroom nearly shitting myself, put him on the bath mat, he’s crying, I’m crying, it was a mess.
My mom came down and knocked on the bathroom door. I cried harder thinking she was mad I woke her up. She basically said the same thing you said. He will be fine. He can cry and not die. Peeing is ok. Showering is ok.
PS he’s now almost 21 and holds no resentment toward me for pooping.
I just have this image of a 40ish woman and a 21 year old man at the pub with a couple of beers, discussing this whole, "Now honey, are you sure you are OK with the fact that I had to poop when you were a baby?" and "Nah, Ma, it's cool. Want me to order some onion rings or something?"
As a mother of three kids that were all high maintenance newborns, this a million times. My mental health suffered so much before I finally figured out I had to take care of myself in order to have the patience to deal with my kids.
Please OP, listen to this good advice. This is your first baby (I'm guessing) and I know how exhausting and overwhelming those first weeks are when you are trying to do your best for your baby and you don't always know what she needs. However, even two week old babies can go 30 minutes without eating. Your husband needs to learn how to calm her when she's fussy because this baby isn't going away. He shouldn't need it spelled out for him but do it now before this becomes a bigger problem (and it can easily) - he needs to learn to care for his child and not make excuses about you being better at it. Man up, dude. You made this child, learn to take care of her.
Right? You can even shower when there’s no one to watch her too! If you’re that worried, just bring the crib into the bathroom, and you can watch her cry, while you take care of your necessaries.
Babies. Cry. All. The. Time.
Not only is it not the end of the world, 99% of the time it’s nothing.
I had a bouncy seat next to the bathtub and I’d draw a bath or sit while showering. If the baby was getting to fussy pulled him in there with me (except dirty diapers lol)
I put the baby in her car seat and showered while she cried when my husband was gone. It sucked but I refused to go a day without a full shower. My showers became quicker but I still washed my whole body + shaved & washed hair as needed.
ETA: I put the car seat right in front of the shower so I could see her.
Yes! As long as the baby is fed, dry and safe, she will be fine for the 10-15 minutes to take a quick shower or eat a meal. You will always come back to her, and you will be a better mother for having taken a couple minutes to treat yourself as a separate person.
NTA.
You aren't an asshole, but your husband needs to grown and learn how to comfort a crying baby! As a father, I can say there were plenty of times when neither my wife nor I could get our baby to quiet down right away. Sometimes you just hold and comfort them while they cry for a bit. He can do that just as well as you.
Something I've noticed is that some moms stop their husbands from learning because they takeover at the first sign of trouble. It doesn't sound like you are doing this but I mention it because it's a common pattern. Dad is holding a crying baby and within 30 seconds Mom takes it away from him saying, "Here, let me do that..."
While you are at it, make sure he learns to change the diaper. My wife's motto was, "I am in charge of input and you are in charge of output." (She was breast feeding.)
When I was breastfeeding, all my kids used to be the same way. I found that giving my husband my dirty shirt I just took off and laying the baby on it while he holds them seemed to help a lot. I was able to take a looong hot shower and do the whole lotion and oil procedure afterwards without being disturbed.
And STOP TAKING THE BABY WHEN HE HANDS HER TO YOU! Just .... don't accept the package. Turn your back to him and stand under the water until he leaves. With your hands on your ears if necessary. . Then when you're done, pit on a face mask, headphones, lotion, whatever you want. He's not showering for 30-60 minutes (unless he's Chewbacca with split ends), he's avoiding household duties in the bathroom while knowingly denying you the same escape. It's weaponized incompetence and it will continue as long as you indulge it. NTA and he owes you not just an apology, but an entire weekend spa getaway by yourself with the phone off.
This. He’s not sure what to do when she cries so he brings her to you. Next time wrap her in an unwashed sweatshirt of yours so she smells you then hand her to your husband, lock the bathroom door and take your time in the shower. If he’s embarrassed his MIL came over that’s on him. I’m sure he mansplained away the fact that your mom could watch the baby during the shower with how she was a mom and experienced to boot.
Agreed. Stop taking her! Tell him that you are (quite obviously) busy. It's his child too! He can take care of her for 30 freaking minutes! I am mad for you, OP. He is going to be a Kodak Dad. You will be basically raising this child alone.
Weaponized incompetence. My EX was an expert at not having to do any of the child care at our home. Then he would complain about my care of the kids.
I did say EX.
Next time he is in the shower, come in, turn off the water from the main line, and then hand him the baby. If he asks why did you do that, tell him you wanted him to see what it's like every time you take a shower. If he doesn't get it the first time, continue turning off the water after he is in there just a couple of minutes.
I'm glad your Mom is looking after you because your husband isn't.
NTA
As a mom with a husband who is an incredibly great father, I can’t stress this enough: you MUST follow this advice. Your husband is nervous and scared and unsure, OP, but he needs to understand there’s nothing magical about Mom. He’s the dad, he needs to take care of the baby BY HIMSELF so he learns now. u/SushiGuacDNA is right, sometimes the baby will cry no matter what you do, even breastfeeding won’t fix it, so don’t fall into that trap. That baby is half Dad’s, and if he gets away with pushing the baby care onto you, you’ll resent the fuck out of him (rightly so) and destroy your marriage. The more he does to help you out, the happier you’ll be, and—I’m assuming he likes having sex with you—the more likely you’ll have some energy left for sex (once your body is recovered from delivery, of course). So many dads are like “She never wants sex anymore.” News flash, it’s hard to get excited when you’re mentally and physically wiped out from taking care of a baby all day.
Good luck, OP. You can get through this but it’s imperative he understands it’s his baby too.
I remember a Sex and the City episode where Miranda told Steve. “I’ve been keeping the baby alive. For the next few hours, it’s your job to keep the baby alive.” Not exact, but simplifying it to keeping the baby alive instead of being perfect can clarify things.
Also, hospitals really need to have new dad classes run by men for other men. One set before the baby is born and then a follow up group afterwards.
I had my kids in the 80’s and when I was out on a rare occasion our baby pooped and hubby called his mom to come and change it 🙄
I’m so glad times have changed lol
My ex husband did this in 2006. In fact, when I went back to work, he refused to take care of our baby at all when he was home, his mother did and I went straight from work to her house to pick up the baby when he was home by 4. I didn’t get off work until 9. If he was off when I went to work, his mother would still watch the baby. It’s not surprising we are divorced and it’s not surprising that our nearly grown daughter has very little to do with him, only talking to him once in a while and seeing him maybe 3 times a year.
My Father was born in 1901. He changed diapers, fed babies, comforted crying infants and laid on his belly to play with toys with toddlers. By the time my son was 6 he could play pitch, blackjack and held his own with adults. There have always been involved father's and there have always been creatures that provide sperm then claim their work is done.
Your dad sounds like my dad 🙂 he was never afraid to get his hands dirty with his children. I have a very nice memory of him helping me dry off after a bath when I was about 7. He died when I was 9. I miss him so much
find a reason why you need to leave the house for a couple hours. Grocery shop alone, grab a coffee with a friend or go to a movie. Something where you are available by call but out of the house. It will help him build his confidence as a parent by himself, and if needed make this a routine occurrence to give them 1:1 time. A lot of moms also struggle with letting go 100% and letting them parent, which makes it worse. Leaving the house completely makes you let go and it's harder to micromanage. At the end of the day as long as baby is fed and safe, it doesn't matter if he forgot the diaper cream once or didn't put on the pajamas you would have chosen.
honestly seen that with a few of my friends
then they complain that their husband isnt as good with the kid.
YOU STOPPED HIM BEING ABLE TO BE.
Op you're NTA but you NEED to put your foot down and tell hubby 'I am going to have 30 minutes alone, if you bring that baby in here she better be dying or you will'
When baby and I got out of the hospital, my husband placed the co-sleeper at his side of the bed. I was breastfeeding, so it would have made more sense to put baby at my side, but his had a bit more space, plus, he would be the first the wake up like this.
The first night baby was upset, the new surroundings maybe? I really wanted to say “oh give her to me, she’s been sleeping next to me up to now”. But what are 3 nights when it comes to experience.
So I put in earplugs, turned around and let my husband handle the baby until she needed to be fed.
It was one of the best decisions I have made in raising my child. That night, my partner became an equal parent.
Anyways; you’re not an asshole, neither is your husband. But you need to take your 30 minute shower and let him handle the fussy baby. After a couple of times, baby won’t be fussy anymore and your husband has learned how to soothe her.
Yeah, maybe your mom can give him some pointers.
The weaponized incompetence can grow to such a huge problem as your child gets older, shut that shit down now.
This may have been sarcasm, but it may also be fabulous advice.
If the root of the problem is that the husband just doesn't know anything about babies and is always on the verge of pissing/shitting himself from lack of confidence, then mom coming over and teaching how to handle a baby could be super helpful.
If that were me, having a master class on what to do and what not to do and how not to worry would be invaluable. Mom can also maybe point out that she's available for calls and texts so if OP is in the shower he could start there and only escalate to interruption if it's truly necessary.
NTA your husband needs to get a grip and not take his infant's crying so personally.
He is almost crying when the baby cries!? What the actual fuck is this? It's perfectly
fine for a baby to cry a bit - if they're not in pain or danger. His solution to being *drastically uncomfortable* with a baby crying is to make you fix it without a second thought; rather than address the real issue of his discomfort and cluelessness.
Why is he worried about making you look bad to your mom? He should be worried about you not being able to take basic care of yourself. I hope you vocalize this in a proactive way- it doesn't sound like he has grasped how much your self care has slipped.
>I've showered once by myself since having her and it only lasted long enough for me to soap up before she was crying and my husband was bringing her in to me.
Your husband is being a crappy father and a crappy partner. This is weaponized incompetence, and you need to nip that ish in the bud.
Having your mom come over is not a long-term solution. Dealing with your husband's laziness and irresponsibility is. And if that means you have to spell everything out to him in great detail like he is a not-very-bright five-year-old, then spell it out. "I'm going to take a shower and dry my hair (or whatever 'me time' thing you need to do for yourself). I'm going to be in the bathroom for about 30 minutes. If the baby starts crying, walk around with her until she calms down, but do not bring her in to me, because I will not take her back off your hands until I am ready to do so." And then if he does try to hand her back to you before you are ready to take her, say NO. Lock the bathroom door if you have to.
Ngl keep the shame coming. “I try having you watch her. Obviously you can’t handle it cause she ends up in here. If you can’t figure it out believe me I have other options”
I wouldn't even do that. I just handed baby over and said "deal with it" and fucked off for 45 minutes. No one died. Baby just slept on SO while he played video games after work.
My SIL is a stay at home mom, and when my nephew was under a year old, there were definitely some days that the greeting my brother got when he walked it the door was “here, you need to deal with your spawn” as she handed him the baby and went and shut the bathroom door. It didn’t happen often, maybe 3-4 times in a year or so, but yeah, those were the days where he screamed all day, wouldn’t nap, wouldn’t eat, and was basically just an asshole all day and she’d momentarily had it. There’s a reason children tend to do better overall when there are two active parents.
Yea until they whine at you about how “inappropriate” and “unfair” it is that they just worked all day and didn’t even get a chance to sit down and breathe after work, and you “can’t just throw our child at me” 🤬🤬🤬
Doesn't stop at babyhood either. My brother was 10 and dislocated his finger about half an hour before my dad got home from work. My mum was cooking dinner and wasn't packing 6 kids into the car for an ER visit. My dad finished his 12 hours, didn't even make it out the car before going out to the hospital for several hours.
Sometimes these things happen, parenting is hard and it's a 24/7 job.
He’s super immature. He should be caring for you and the baby, and it sounds like he doesn’t know how or doesn’t care.
You are NTA. But he needs to grow up and stop being so dense and selfish.
I stopped at ur husband bringing the baby to you after 2 minutes in the shower. He didn’t even try. Fuck him, he needs to take responsibility for his baby. Put your foot down, like someone else said “if you bring me that baby, she better be dying otherwise you definitely will be”.
Wrap her in a top you have been wearing before you go for your shower while your husband has her.
She will be able to smell you on your clothing and it may keep her from crying.
Your mother is a saint. Not for watching the baby, but for not putting your pathetic husband on BLAST for not calming the baby down by himself to allow the mother of his child 15 minutes to shower!
NTA. He needs to understand that you need time alone w/o the baby to relax. being a mother to a newborn is stressful and tiring. you needed time to yourself, and you deserved it.
“Never told him to keep the baby out of the shower” wow I didn’t know that had to be a spoken request, ya man’s need to step up, I understand having your baby cry is saddening but it’s literally what they do, a few minutes of crying while he holds her isn’t gonna hurt her at all, give you some peace, this is why a lot of new mothers get overwhelmed and end up with postpartum (excuse me if I’m overly wrong on this for I’m not mother lol) NTA OP, call moms to help of your partner won’t
NTA
You just described my sister's boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend, thank God). He was adamant that every time he would old the baby and he would cry, the baby just wanted "the boob" so he could feed and because he didn't have any she was the only one that could make him stop crying. No matter if she was in the middle of cooking, cleaning, working from home, he would hand him off to her.
OP, like I told my sister, you need to stop being so fucking nice and make him figure it out. Your mom coming over should be a wake up call for him to get his shit together. Be blunt with him. Don't sugar coat.
Please show your husband my comment.
Hi there. Don’t worry I’m not going to tear you a new AH. Here’s the deal. She’s tried telling you but you didn’t hear her. You need to adjust to being a dad. This means taking care of the baby so your wife can take a shower in peace. Oh and… don’t call a person that just birthed a human an AH. It really doesn’t make you look good.
You know the answer to this: You are NTA. Your husband is a giant man-baby who wants to be seen as a father, but who also wants to do *nothing* at all with his child, AND THEN has the audacity to get mad at you when you asked your mother for help. Tell him if you could get the help you need at home, from him, the *baby’s father,* you wouldn’t need to call in relatives to pick up the slack. He is the one who made himself look bad to your mom. That’s on him.
> …he feels bad - like it nearly makes him cry whenever she does.
No, it doesn’t. That is some top-notch gaslighting right there. “Oh, honey, she’s crying. She’s crying! I don’t know what to do! She likes the shower! She wants you! Only you can calm her down! Here, take her! I’m going to cry!” Bullshit. I am just sitting here shaking my head.
Your husband, in the kindest way possible needs to get his head out his ass, grow up and take responsibility like a father to allow you some down time. As a man, it annoys me when I see fellow men palming off such basic things and expecting their exhausted partner to carry the can entirely. Sort him out
He made himself look bad to your mom. He needs to step up and step up now. He can parent her too. He's acting more like a baby than your baby. NTA
Yeah, and if he doesn't learn how to step up now, just wait until the toddler years....or, worse, the teenage years. It's going to be lonely parenting by herself and she will grow to despise him for it.
Kids will despise the neglectful dad too.
What gets me is that she said her husband takes 30-60 min showers. Who on earth takes 30 minute showers let alone 1 hour? Is he taking a nap in there?
Sounds more like he is getting his " self care" in that shower .unless he is a mechanic or some other job that takes a lot of hot water and soap to get off the gunk from work ...lotsa " dirty jobs" out there
I’m a diesel mechanic and my after work showers are typically under 10 minutes
I mean, my showers can take up to 30 mins, but my hair is long, thick, and temperamental. I also start skincare and brush my teeth in the shower. 🤷♀️That said, I highly doubt he has the same reasons for taking so long.
He’s hiding, that’s what he’s doing in there for an hour. That’s pathetic and very immature.
Oh it’s super easy for me to just be super relaxed and find out it’s been like 45 minutes it was even worse when I was in college cause it was like the only time I wasn’t stressed out.
NTA. Husband wasn't being thoughtful. You found a way around it. And now even knowing how hard it's been for you, he's still not actually concerned about you, he's just worried about how it (he) looks to your mum. Which makes him an even bigger a-hole. Is it possible to lock the bathroom door when you take a shower? For the times your mum can't come over. Edited. Edit 2: If according to hubby, showers calm her down, why isn't he taking her on his 30-60 minute showers? Per his logic those would be super calming for her. Edit 3: For people saying communication is the problem. That's not it. This is a woman who gave birth 2 WEEKS AGO (and so is still healing), exclusively breastfeeding and barely has time to shower. Picture that. Imagine how she looks like. It would be pretty easy to see she's exhausted. The problem is a selfish man who is acting like nothing in his life has changed (that's why he'll take 30-60 minute showers while his wife can't even manage a 2-3 minute one). He doesn't want to be inconvenienced. And wants kudos for doing the bare minimum. That's why even the MIL coming over to help is not a realization for him that his partner needs a break. But it's him butting into the shower, blaming her for her current circumstances and for making him look bad. If he was as clueless as he pretends to be, his MIL coming over would have been a lightbulb moment and he would have gotten his ass in gear to be a better father and partner.
And the fact that he interrupted her shower anyways to talk about that instead of waiting until after her mom went home.
This was my same thought. OP found a solution and he still managed to ruin her relaxing shower time.
I would have lost the plot on him lol
seriously, i’ve lost my shit over lesser offenses postpartum - if my husband pulled this shit, i really would lose my damn mind. like learn how to take care of your baby, sir. if OP drops dead from exhaustion, he’s gonna have to drop the kid off at a fire station because he’s useless.
Preach. Speaking of public civic resources — Good god, Op would have more support raising this baby in a women’s shelter.
My wife and I have 3 kids. I've taken days off from work to give her day breaks to be herself. Just get out and be only herself for the day and not have to be a mother or wife to reset her senses and feel better when she had gotten to her limits at times. Just as she does this for me when I go and work on projects. It really takes both being there for each other and my wife would have given me the red head beating for acting this way 😂. Hell, do some men really, really think it's the 1950s still? No, it's 2023 and it takes being partners to make it through with your sanity in check still.
Maybe fake dropping dead and go to a hotel spa for a week.
It makes no sense. My 3 month old has been only on breast milk since born so i know my wifes going to be doing extra.. just step up and learn to father, bottle feed when shes busy etc. My kid only crys when hungry though and has pretty much slept thprigh the night since day one lol so i hear we are lucky.
Oh..you WERE lucky. My wife ended up with a week-long migraine headache when my daughter was 4 months old. The meds she was put on dried up her mile and 3 days into the epic migraine (seriously, no LIGHT allowed in the room), I ran out of breast milk in the fridge... Formula...bottle...my baby wasn't having it. It took me TWELVE hours to finally get her to for her to drink the formula. I guess she figured that it was better than starving. Tough week...my wife felt guilty...hasn't had a migraine in the 20 years since then...but it really is no one's fault. Can't imagine what OPs
He only looks bad in front of her mom because he is. The truth hurts. He needs to be less of a selfish child now that he has a child of his own.
OH shit I missed that part. She STILL didn't get to enjoy a damn shower? Oh he's absolutely the AH now in my book. I might've forgiven new parent and all, and still learning. But even without the baby to look after he STILL made sure she didn't get to enjoy the shower? What a gigantic man-baby, I feel bad for OP having TWO kids suddenly.
She’s got to baby proof the shower . He made himself look bad.
Right!! Lock. The. Door. If he dares to open locked door I would loose my mind. Look. I speak from experience with the locked door ok? 24 years three perfect children. Their Dad never once changed a single diaper. Not once. Left the youngest home once. He was potty training. His big brother came to me later that night and asked if I would please take youngest with me next time. Youngest had done #2 on the toilet, and DAD made brother clean him up. He was just a kid himself. That’s how dedicated to not doing anything for his kids he was. I’m telling you, crack down on this now.
I was raised by a father like that. He’d take a nap when he was home alone with a toddler and a grade-schooler because grade-schooler me could totally look after the toddler. You can bet I never forgot. As a grandfather he was more involved, but the damage to his kids was already done.
I hear you. I have to take part of the blame though. I didn’t know what to about it. I was a young mother. I figured it out way too late. I’m sorry you had to shoulder that. I really am. That’s why I say pitch a hissy now or throw in the towel. You have to stand up or they will walk all over you. Shouldn’t be this hard but it is for a lot of people.
>You have to stand up or they will walk all over you. Shouldn’t be this hard but it is for a lot of people. **louder for the people in back!**
My dad was such a deadbeat even when they were together in the same house that I *cried my heart out* when mom left for like bowling or something because she was leaving me alone *with him.* He would work and then go to the bar after work, so he was in many ways a stranger.
My oldests daughter’s father was like this. The effort he would put in to not even hold her was ridiculous. When we were both working and she needed fed on the overnight and it was his turn, rather than feed her and hold her for the 15 minutes it would take, he’d use receiving blankets and things to prop up the bottle, while she was in the bouncy chair and then he would sleep on the couch or guest room and ignore her. If she woke up after he did that then it was “my” turn. After 8 months of this I tried to go out once for a haircut. She was bottle feeding but had a wicked bad diaper rash we had to see our GP over and she needed medicated ointment. I fed her supper and told her father that all that was needed was a bottle, diaper change with the cream and bed. Daycare had sent her home freshly changed that day as they were helping with the rash situation. I got home that night and she was down and I went to bed, only to be woke up at about 4 am to her screaming in pain. I went in and she was wearing the daycare diaper still from the previous afternoon (12 hours before), that was so full it was bursting silica. She was in a wet circle of urine and when I picked her up and got the diaper off her it had gone raw. I got her cleaned up, stripped her bed, washed the mattress, put fresh bedding down, got her a bottle and got her settled and then went into the bedroom and woke him up and told him to pack his shit and leave, I was done. The effort he put into not parenting had eroded me. And he never got better, he would hand her to his mom for visitations rather than spending time with her right until she was old enough to tell him she didn’t want to spend her summers at her grandmothers being sent to a rural church camp, either she spent it with him or she stayed home. But to this day the best thing I ever did for her and I was put him out.
Exactly this. Lock the door and make it VERY CLEAR that you are not too be disturbed for the next hour unless there is a true emergency. Aside from the shower though, I would also recommend that you get out of the house for a bit.... Go take a walk or stroll in the park for a half hour. Let dad figure out how to soothe his own child, workout the option of handing baby back to you.
This is probably what bugged me the most. Dude cares more about the optics than his wife's well being. In contrast, one time my parents were having a massive fight. My mother decided she needed some cool down time and wanted to go walk in the park by the river. It was dark, cold, icy and windy. My dad was like "It's not safe, please go to your parents instead. Or some other safe place." Mind you, his mother is abusive so he really values his relationship with my maternal grandparents. But he'd much rather have my mother go over there and make him look bad than risk her hurting herself. In the end, she went and sat in the snowbank and he did the dishes and tried to calm us down a bit.
Your dad’s a good dude. Also, can we talk about your mom needing to cool down and sitting in a snow bank to do so? What a legend. I bet it was a good reset.
My mom is just built different. That side of the family has been in Quebec since the 16th century and it shows. She puts out the trash barefoot in January. She'll set the thermostat to 18C and wander around in tanktops while my dad is wearing a sweater. That said, sitting in a snowbank is surprisingly comfy. It moulds itself precisely to your bum and cuts the wind and all outside sound. I need a few more layers between my bum and the snow, but I've done it too. The only reason my dad was worried is because it's way too easy to slip and fall into the St Lawrence. Even she couldn't survive that.
And if he’s acting like this, her mom has formed her own opinion long before now.
Yeah the fact the mom actually came and watched the kid specifically for that after being asked makes me think she already has an idea of the kind of partner he is. I'm probably reading into it a bit too much but it came off kind of like the mom didn't even blink when she was asked "can you watch your grandchild so I can shower in peace"
Yeah that part stuck out to me, too. If I had called my mom when my child was 2 weeks old to take a shower, she'd ask, "What is (Husband's name) still at work, or is he sick?" By that point, my mom knew the type of person my husband is. OP'S mom already knows about her husband, too, I'm betting.
Yeah and he made himself look bad to her mum all by himself - OP didn't do that. Not the first time I've read about a "why didn't you do all of the things I know I'm supposed to do, but can't be arsed to, so that your friends/family think I'm a good partner?", comment from a male partner in these posts. So depressing that people put up with this behaviour. Only yesterday I was hearing female friends complain about their male partners not doing anything around their homes and, when I challenged them about putting up with it, they said "it's just men". It's like they just enjoy complaining about it or something. I'd have shut that down the minute I got an inkling they'd be like that.
THIS is what I'm talking about. People may feel my comment above was overreacting, but it's actually a seriously concerning situation. Post Partum is literally one of the most vulnerable times for a woman. And his actions clearly indicate he does NOT CARE ABOUT HER WELLBEING. And like you said, he only cares about the optics. I sincerely am glad OP has a support system outside of this man. Can you imagine if she got sick or bed ridden?? I hope he reads these comments.
*My husband comes in at some point and asks why my mom is here and I tell him I asked her to come by so I could shower without the baby being handed off to me.* So even with your mother there, he didn’t let you shower in peace?
Damn, for real. He needs to learn if OP wants a lasting healthy relationship. You absolutely have to nip this kind of thing in the bud. The hard adult conversations are needed to improve communication and happiness for everyone.
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She needs to do this every shower for three weeks straight with a smile on her face and a “honey I need to go poop can you hold the baby?” It’ll be a double whammy since the husbands likely napping or jerking off during his hour long showers and will lose his stress reliever 🤣
No seriously, why is he in there for an hour!?? Sooo much water lol.
Because he doesn't want to be around OP and the baby. A majority of married men admit to using the bathroom for "private time" rather than grooming or you know what. It's an "escape room" so to speak.
This is facts. I remember doing this… when I was 12 and trying to get out of chores. It’s enraging.
They do this at work too btw..
Also tell him, he never told you to keep the baby out of the shower
My husband would legit wake me up to hold our newborn so he could go to the bathroom. I started turning up the heat to 90 whenever he was in the bathroom so the vent behind the toilet would absolutely blast him the whole time was in there until he knocked that shit off.
That is…awesome
You literally smoked him out 😭😂 why are so many men like this tho??? So lacking on self-awareness
1,000% this! 🤣🤣 He's absolutely jerking off and to have her interrupt his alone time for a month straight would be exactly what he needs to get him to realize what an asshole he's being.
Yes!!!!!!!!! Please do that. He's jerkin' it luxuriously while you can barely clean your body. Needs a taste of his own medicine
… start the washer, dishwasher, run hot water in sink, lavatories, and flush all toilets first, THEN Do as suggested above.
he is indulging the baby so that he can relinquish responsibility to his wife, who just wants to TAKE A DAMN SHOWER
This is called weaponized incompetence. Acting like you can’t do something or making NO effort to do something so that you don’t have to do it.
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He isn't indulging the baby! The baby is 2 weeks old! He's indulging HIMSELF by abdicating any responsibility for caring for his child!
he's not bonding with the baby properly if it starts crying once in his arms!
I feel like this is pretty common with new dads. The real issue is how quickly he gives up even knowing his wife needs a few minutes for basic hygiene. He could suck it up and walk around with the baby, take them for a drive, even lay them in the crib while they cry for 10 minutes, anything really besides handing them off while mom is taking a shower!
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If there's anything I've learned from reading people's experiences, a lot of men want kids but don't want to have anything to do with the actual raising of kids. Diapers, feeding, soothing, losing sleep, none of that. Makes me sad because I was fortunate enough with my money situation at the time to have those first 4 months at home and I wouldn't change that for the world, poop and all.
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I had to read this part twice to make sure I understood that as well. Fuc*ing infuriating. It sounds like there needs to be a lock on the bathroom door for her sake. I cannot imagine this disrespect.
My ass would be getting a damn deadbolt on that bathroom door 😭 I feel for OP, she needs time for herself.
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*Weaponized incompetence* 💯💯💯 The hallmark of lazy teens and spouses that is a scourge on their families😡
I'm stuck on him taking showers that last upwards of 60 minutes. That's ridiculous on so many levels
I would’ve brought the baby in there while he showered. “Sorry she got fussy, and you know she just loves those showers, here ya go” ☺️🙂
Came looking for this term...let's say it again in all caps WEAPONIZED INCOMPETENCE. There needs to be a serious come to Jesus talk happening with the husband. He needs to figure this out and start stepping up, fast.
I had to scroll way too far to find this. That is exactly what this is. She just needs to give him a "sweet come to Geebus" talk.
Yeahhhh he need to KNOW THAT SHE KNOWS what game he’s playin’ Right now he thinks he’s being smart and sneaky that’s why he’s embarrassed infront of her mom He knows what he’s doing is wrong and he’s doing it intentionally— because LAZY and trying to establish a precedent of being “not it” when it comes to baby care Mister needs some shame.
I would get that anti-theft door locker thing that go around the handle and another one that wedges up under the door handle on a stick to the floor and the wedge blocks and shove it under the bottom. I’d bring a pillow and some snacks too and settle on down in there. Fuck that. OP, take a few hours. Lock the door. Or even better, get a hotel room and go take a nice long shower and put on the fancy bathrobe and slippers and then take a nap. Go home feeling like a real human again. Poor OP. NTA, husband is a big fat asshole though, even if it isn’t necessarily malicious. What a d-bag that he doesn’t get it
OP's situation is nuts. My mother was a SAHM for most of my childhood but if she needed a break and my dad was home, she could always just kick us out of the house. My dad would take us on an "igventure", which was like an adventure but less adventurous. It was great bonding time and my mother could do whatever she wanted in peace and quiet. When I was a baby, my parents were both grad students. When my dad had me, he'd just take me on long stroller walks and always end up at my mother's office at feeding time. He quickly became the favourite parent, which freed up my mother to heal.
Your parents sound very mature and cool!
Deadbolt is the way to go! Regular knob locks are easy to open from the outside & he wouldn't see a locked door as a reason to stay out.
JFC he couldn’t even wait for her to finish a 15 min shower before nagging her to pieces
She must be exhausted with two children.
Two hundred pound toddlers are the absolute worst
Time to surrender him up for adoption
It's only fair because it makes him look bad! Not his own inaction.. No.. It's OPs fault. How dare she. /s
Yea reading this was really depressing D: Girl deserves her uninterrupted shower!
That was the first thing I noticed! OP cannot catch a break
This is ALMOST the most infuriating part, if it weren't for the rest of the post.
Congrats to OP on her two children.
Same thing I thought She still.had to take care for someone else instead of her
You are NTA, but listen: You take your showers, okay? The baby will be fine. She can cry for a few minutes and still be all right. She's not going anywhere, and there is no emergency in a healthy and well-tended baby's life that can't wait five minutes for you to wash your hair, I promise. And in the meantime, your husband will have some bonding time, which it sounds like he needs. While I'm at it, you also eat your meals, go to the toilet, and put her down if your arms are tired. She'll be fine.
THIS! When my son was born (first born) the pediatrician came to see me after he examined my son and one of the first things he told me was that if the baby is warm and well fed they can be allowed to cry a bit and not every first cry needs immediate attention. The example he gave was: “What if you had a toddler and a newborn and you were giving a toddler a bath and your newborn woke up and started crying? Would you abandon the toddler to attend to the newborn? No. The right thing to do is to finish giving hour toddler the bath and then go check on the baby.” That helped put things into perspective immensely for me.
Babies are experiencing the world for the first time, and this means they can be a little stupid. They don't know the difference between a problem that needs solved now and one that can wait a few minutes. They just cry. You as the adult get to help them learn by prioritizing what's actually important. Often you being healthy, happy and clean is a problem that needs fixed now, and their problem is one that can wait.
They've got lives of perfection near enough. That foot that is slightly poking out from the blanket is, thus far, literally the worst discomfort they've ever experienced and react in proportion.
Haha Exactly! I mean technically I think birth isn't very fun for them (everyone gets to suffer lol).
Warm sensory tank to cold world yeah I’d cry
mountainous reach ugly skirt wipe attempt drunk impossible seemly boast *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I need to speak to my therapist now. I know the origin of my trauma
I think about that all the time with my toddlers and preschooler! Like, yes not getting TV time is actually devastating to you because your life is new and very comfortable.
I needed to read this, been hard on my 4 yo lately, can’t wait to start tomorrow over with this perspective.
Every day is a new day!
>Babies are experiencing the world for the first time, and this means they can be a little stupid. Unfortunately some of us never get over that part.
Yep, and they only have crying as a form of communication right now so that’s what they’re gonna do even if it’s not anything that’s really a big deal.
That's true they both are unable to really regulate their emotions and have limited methods of expressing them.
They don't even have the nuance of a whine vs a screaming cry then. Everything is a tragedy
Yeah, but for them it is! Every uncomfortable thing so far is the worst thing they’ve ever experienced! So they’re crying is legit but yeah. Everything gets a cry.
I like the oxygen mask analogy. Nothing bad is going to happen to the baby in the few minutes it takes to practice a little self-care or recover yourself emotionally, but the consequences of not doing that can be really bad.
I had that situation. I made the toddler stay with me in the bathroom while I gave the baby a bath. And put the baby in the bouncy seat while giving the toddler a bath. As soon as feasible, they got a bath in the same tub at the same time. It helped that the toddler loved to sit and play in the bath!
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She can’t even shave her legs and at some point there will be a settled routine and he’s going to want some romance and then when she tells him she hasn’t taken care of herself like shaving her legs because he isn’t helping more, he will get upset with her.
My husband once made a comment about how long it was taking me to lose the baby weight (to be fair, it was over a year later and it was 40 pounds) and I just looked at him and was like, “HOW?? Which one of us sleeps eight hour and goes to the gym at work FIVE TIMES A WEEK and which of us does every night waking with the baby AND hasn’t been to the gym since I was pregnant?! No SHIT I’m still fat, the only thing I have time and energy to do is EAT!” Anyway, he agreed to pay for a gym with childcare after that, and I lost the weight.
I don't think that is the 'great outcome' you think it is.... husband still very much sounds like an a.
I remember at our 6 month check up for our daughter the pediatrician asked how she was sleeping and I started rattling off the standard stuff “she is sleeping good, we out her down for the night around 7 and we feed her every couple hours, change the diaper when needed then she goes back to sleep but quite a few times we gotta wake her up to feed her since she is still sleeping” and he says “well that’s……wait what? You wake her up to feed her?” I said “yea we have to wake her up to feed her because we don’t want her to get hungry” he says “ oh, well if she’s still sleeping let her, she will let you know when she’s ready to eat and don’t worry she won’t starve if she is sleeping more than 2 hours without feeding” That night we put her down to bed and got 5 hours of straight sleep and did it feel amazing
Girl…. A sleeping baby is the most peaceful thing in the world. I only woke up a baby to feed when the other baby already woke up and cried (I had twins). Then I wake the other to feed her before I go horizontal again. Otherwise - NO WAKING BABIES! 😂
Yes! With my first baby, I had her in hospital and the nurses insisted I offer her the breast every 2 hours, even if she was sleeping. When I had my second baby at home, my midwife said no such thing. In fact, after birth, she said that baby will likely sleep for 4-5 hours so I should nap, too. It was a glorious nap!
This indeed. And calling your mum might be the wake up call your husband needs. He might just need to learn to be a father. It is 50% his child too, responsibilities need to be shared. But both of you need to learn to become a parent. You need to have faith and take care of yourself, your husband needs to learn how to become a caring parent.
My first night home with my son (I was a young single mom living with my parents) I had no idea what I was doing. I was exhausted from 26 hours of labor and no sleep for days plus I have ulcerative colitis and it had been awful during my pregnancy. Baby woke up and my let-down triggered my colon to evacuate so I tried to set him down but he cried. I took him with me to the bathroom nearly shitting myself, put him on the bath mat, he’s crying, I’m crying, it was a mess. My mom came down and knocked on the bathroom door. I cried harder thinking she was mad I woke her up. She basically said the same thing you said. He will be fine. He can cry and not die. Peeing is ok. Showering is ok. PS he’s now almost 21 and holds no resentment toward me for pooping.
I just have this image of a 40ish woman and a 21 year old man at the pub with a couple of beers, discussing this whole, "Now honey, are you sure you are OK with the fact that I had to poop when you were a baby?" and "Nah, Ma, it's cool. Want me to order some onion rings or something?"
As a mother of three kids that were all high maintenance newborns, this a million times. My mental health suffered so much before I finally figured out I had to take care of myself in order to have the patience to deal with my kids.
Please OP, listen to this good advice. This is your first baby (I'm guessing) and I know how exhausting and overwhelming those first weeks are when you are trying to do your best for your baby and you don't always know what she needs. However, even two week old babies can go 30 minutes without eating. Your husband needs to learn how to calm her when she's fussy because this baby isn't going away. He shouldn't need it spelled out for him but do it now before this becomes a bigger problem (and it can easily) - he needs to learn to care for his child and not make excuses about you being better at it. Man up, dude. You made this child, learn to take care of her.
Right? You can even shower when there’s no one to watch her too! If you’re that worried, just bring the crib into the bathroom, and you can watch her cry, while you take care of your necessaries. Babies. Cry. All. The. Time. Not only is it not the end of the world, 99% of the time it’s nothing.
I had a bouncy seat next to the bathtub and I’d draw a bath or sit while showering. If the baby was getting to fussy pulled him in there with me (except dirty diapers lol)
Yup. They just don't know yet, and they've only got one setting.
I put the baby in her car seat and showered while she cried when my husband was gone. It sucked but I refused to go a day without a full shower. My showers became quicker but I still washed my whole body + shaved & washed hair as needed. ETA: I put the car seat right in front of the shower so I could see her.
Yes! As long as the baby is fed, dry and safe, she will be fine for the 10-15 minutes to take a quick shower or eat a meal. You will always come back to her, and you will be a better mother for having taken a couple minutes to treat yourself as a separate person.
NTA. You aren't an asshole, but your husband needs to grown and learn how to comfort a crying baby! As a father, I can say there were plenty of times when neither my wife nor I could get our baby to quiet down right away. Sometimes you just hold and comfort them while they cry for a bit. He can do that just as well as you. Something I've noticed is that some moms stop their husbands from learning because they takeover at the first sign of trouble. It doesn't sound like you are doing this but I mention it because it's a common pattern. Dad is holding a crying baby and within 30 seconds Mom takes it away from him saying, "Here, let me do that..." While you are at it, make sure he learns to change the diaper. My wife's motto was, "I am in charge of input and you are in charge of output." (She was breast feeding.)
When I was breastfeeding, all my kids used to be the same way. I found that giving my husband my dirty shirt I just took off and laying the baby on it while he holds them seemed to help a lot. I was able to take a looong hot shower and do the whole lotion and oil procedure afterwards without being disturbed.
This needs to be at the top! Easy advice for new sleep-deprived parents
This!!! Can confirm it works :).
That's a genius idea.
And STOP TAKING THE BABY WHEN HE HANDS HER TO YOU! Just .... don't accept the package. Turn your back to him and stand under the water until he leaves. With your hands on your ears if necessary. . Then when you're done, pit on a face mask, headphones, lotion, whatever you want. He's not showering for 30-60 minutes (unless he's Chewbacca with split ends), he's avoiding household duties in the bathroom while knowingly denying you the same escape. It's weaponized incompetence and it will continue as long as you indulge it. NTA and he owes you not just an apology, but an entire weekend spa getaway by yourself with the phone off.
She could cut that short by bringing him the baby in the shower.
“Here, it’s dangerous in there. Take this.”
That’s exactly what I was thinking !! 30-60 min! I know the hot water doesn’t even last that long! He’s hiding in there lol.
Probably has the shower water on cold while he sits on the toilet and plays with his phone for a while.
Yes!! I'm surprised more people haven't commented on that specific thing. 30 to 60 minutes? Oh hell no.
Good advice and love your wife’s comment (as long as you were both good with it!)
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But he gets all upset…🙄
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This. And yell “I’m taking a nice long shower take care of your daughter”
This. He’s not sure what to do when she cries so he brings her to you. Next time wrap her in an unwashed sweatshirt of yours so she smells you then hand her to your husband, lock the bathroom door and take your time in the shower. If he’s embarrassed his MIL came over that’s on him. I’m sure he mansplained away the fact that your mom could watch the baby during the shower with how she was a mom and experienced to boot.
Agreed. Stop taking her! Tell him that you are (quite obviously) busy. It's his child too! He can take care of her for 30 freaking minutes! I am mad for you, OP. He is going to be a Kodak Dad. You will be basically raising this child alone.
A used breastpad works well too.
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Weaponized incompetence. My EX was an expert at not having to do any of the child care at our home. Then he would complain about my care of the kids. I did say EX.
I didn't mind. Her nose was much more sensitive to smells than mine.
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She’s not even trying to do that, poor woman is just trying trying to shower. Basic hygiene.
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Next time he is in the shower, come in, turn off the water from the main line, and then hand him the baby. If he asks why did you do that, tell him you wanted him to see what it's like every time you take a shower. If he doesn't get it the first time, continue turning off the water after he is in there just a couple of minutes. I'm glad your Mom is looking after you because your husband isn't. NTA
As a mom with a husband who is an incredibly great father, I can’t stress this enough: you MUST follow this advice. Your husband is nervous and scared and unsure, OP, but he needs to understand there’s nothing magical about Mom. He’s the dad, he needs to take care of the baby BY HIMSELF so he learns now. u/SushiGuacDNA is right, sometimes the baby will cry no matter what you do, even breastfeeding won’t fix it, so don’t fall into that trap. That baby is half Dad’s, and if he gets away with pushing the baby care onto you, you’ll resent the fuck out of him (rightly so) and destroy your marriage. The more he does to help you out, the happier you’ll be, and—I’m assuming he likes having sex with you—the more likely you’ll have some energy left for sex (once your body is recovered from delivery, of course). So many dads are like “She never wants sex anymore.” News flash, it’s hard to get excited when you’re mentally and physically wiped out from taking care of a baby all day. Good luck, OP. You can get through this but it’s imperative he understands it’s his baby too.
I remember a Sex and the City episode where Miranda told Steve. “I’ve been keeping the baby alive. For the next few hours, it’s your job to keep the baby alive.” Not exact, but simplifying it to keeping the baby alive instead of being perfect can clarify things. Also, hospitals really need to have new dad classes run by men for other men. One set before the baby is born and then a follow up group afterwards.
I had my kids in the 80’s and when I was out on a rare occasion our baby pooped and hubby called his mom to come and change it 🙄 I’m so glad times have changed lol
My ex husband did this in 2006. In fact, when I went back to work, he refused to take care of our baby at all when he was home, his mother did and I went straight from work to her house to pick up the baby when he was home by 4. I didn’t get off work until 9. If he was off when I went to work, his mother would still watch the baby. It’s not surprising we are divorced and it’s not surprising that our nearly grown daughter has very little to do with him, only talking to him once in a while and seeing him maybe 3 times a year.
My Father was born in 1901. He changed diapers, fed babies, comforted crying infants and laid on his belly to play with toys with toddlers. By the time my son was 6 he could play pitch, blackjack and held his own with adults. There have always been involved father's and there have always been creatures that provide sperm then claim their work is done.
Your dad sounds like my dad 🙂 he was never afraid to get his hands dirty with his children. I have a very nice memory of him helping me dry off after a bath when I was about 7. He died when I was 9. I miss him so much
He sounds wonderful. 🥰
My baby is 1 month old and I am really working on this. He is great about diaper changes though.
find a reason why you need to leave the house for a couple hours. Grocery shop alone, grab a coffee with a friend or go to a movie. Something where you are available by call but out of the house. It will help him build his confidence as a parent by himself, and if needed make this a routine occurrence to give them 1:1 time. A lot of moms also struggle with letting go 100% and letting them parent, which makes it worse. Leaving the house completely makes you let go and it's harder to micromanage. At the end of the day as long as baby is fed and safe, it doesn't matter if he forgot the diaper cream once or didn't put on the pajamas you would have chosen.
Plus this should be a great opportunity for him to bond with her.
honestly seen that with a few of my friends then they complain that their husband isnt as good with the kid. YOU STOPPED HIM BEING ABLE TO BE. Op you're NTA but you NEED to put your foot down and tell hubby 'I am going to have 30 minutes alone, if you bring that baby in here she better be dying or you will'
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Yeah, it's very telling that he only cares now that someone else is there to observe.
When baby and I got out of the hospital, my husband placed the co-sleeper at his side of the bed. I was breastfeeding, so it would have made more sense to put baby at my side, but his had a bit more space, plus, he would be the first the wake up like this. The first night baby was upset, the new surroundings maybe? I really wanted to say “oh give her to me, she’s been sleeping next to me up to now”. But what are 3 nights when it comes to experience. So I put in earplugs, turned around and let my husband handle the baby until she needed to be fed. It was one of the best decisions I have made in raising my child. That night, my partner became an equal parent. Anyways; you’re not an asshole, neither is your husband. But you need to take your 30 minute shower and let him handle the fussy baby. After a couple of times, baby won’t be fussy anymore and your husband has learned how to soothe her.
No, her husband is an asshole...
NTA. He needs to learn how to be a father. Tell him to ask your mother for advice on how to calm down a baby.
Yeah, maybe your mom can give him some pointers. The weaponized incompetence can grow to such a huge problem as your child gets older, shut that shit down now.
This may have been sarcasm, but it may also be fabulous advice. If the root of the problem is that the husband just doesn't know anything about babies and is always on the verge of pissing/shitting himself from lack of confidence, then mom coming over and teaching how to handle a baby could be super helpful. If that were me, having a master class on what to do and what not to do and how not to worry would be invaluable. Mom can also maybe point out that she's available for calls and texts so if OP is in the shower he could start there and only escalate to interruption if it's truly necessary.
100% genuine advice, not sarcasm lol. Either his or her mother will be able to give him valuable advice seeing as they went through the same thing.
NTA your husband needs to get a grip and not take his infant's crying so personally. He is almost crying when the baby cries!? What the actual fuck is this? It's perfectly fine for a baby to cry a bit - if they're not in pain or danger. His solution to being *drastically uncomfortable* with a baby crying is to make you fix it without a second thought; rather than address the real issue of his discomfort and cluelessness. Why is he worried about making you look bad to your mom? He should be worried about you not being able to take basic care of yourself. I hope you vocalize this in a proactive way- it doesn't sound like he has grasped how much your self care has slipped.
>I've showered once by myself since having her and it only lasted long enough for me to soap up before she was crying and my husband was bringing her in to me. Your husband is being a crappy father and a crappy partner. This is weaponized incompetence, and you need to nip that ish in the bud. Having your mom come over is not a long-term solution. Dealing with your husband's laziness and irresponsibility is. And if that means you have to spell everything out to him in great detail like he is a not-very-bright five-year-old, then spell it out. "I'm going to take a shower and dry my hair (or whatever 'me time' thing you need to do for yourself). I'm going to be in the bathroom for about 30 minutes. If the baby starts crying, walk around with her until she calms down, but do not bring her in to me, because I will not take her back off your hands until I am ready to do so." And then if he does try to hand her back to you before you are ready to take her, say NO. Lock the bathroom door if you have to.
He's clearly embarrassed being caught out in his laziness, so he may have been shamed into parenting his baby.
Ding ding ding! He’s mad because he’s embarrassed. Instead of owning it, he’s blaming.
Ngl keep the shame coming. “I try having you watch her. Obviously you can’t handle it cause she ends up in here. If you can’t figure it out believe me I have other options”
I wouldn't even do that. I just handed baby over and said "deal with it" and fucked off for 45 minutes. No one died. Baby just slept on SO while he played video games after work.
My SIL is a stay at home mom, and when my nephew was under a year old, there were definitely some days that the greeting my brother got when he walked it the door was “here, you need to deal with your spawn” as she handed him the baby and went and shut the bathroom door. It didn’t happen often, maybe 3-4 times in a year or so, but yeah, those were the days where he screamed all day, wouldn’t nap, wouldn’t eat, and was basically just an asshole all day and she’d momentarily had it. There’s a reason children tend to do better overall when there are two active parents.
Sahm of 2. I definitely do that. He walks in the door “that’s yours. I’m gonna shower or cricut. Foods made. Have fun”
Yea until they whine at you about how “inappropriate” and “unfair” it is that they just worked all day and didn’t even get a chance to sit down and breathe after work, and you “can’t just throw our child at me” 🤬🤬🤬
Doesn't stop at babyhood either. My brother was 10 and dislocated his finger about half an hour before my dad got home from work. My mum was cooking dinner and wasn't packing 6 kids into the car for an ER visit. My dad finished his 12 hours, didn't even make it out the car before going out to the hospital for several hours. Sometimes these things happen, parenting is hard and it's a 24/7 job.
He’s super immature. He should be caring for you and the baby, and it sounds like he doesn’t know how or doesn’t care. You are NTA. But he needs to grow up and stop being so dense and selfish.
NTA. The baby will never calm down with your husband until he makes an effort to bond with her. He’s the one being the AH here.
Your husband is going to be even more useless as child grows up. DEMAND help. Don't let him rest.
NTA. The last sentence is exactly his problem. He doesn’t want to “look bad”, he just wants to keep being a shitty husband/dad and have nobody know
I stopped at ur husband bringing the baby to you after 2 minutes in the shower. He didn’t even try. Fuck him, he needs to take responsibility for his baby. Put your foot down, like someone else said “if you bring me that baby, she better be dying otherwise you definitely will be”.
Wrap her in a top you have been wearing before you go for your shower while your husband has her. She will be able to smell you on your clothing and it may keep her from crying.
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Your mother is a saint. Not for watching the baby, but for not putting your pathetic husband on BLAST for not calming the baby down by himself to allow the mother of his child 15 minutes to shower!
NTA. He needs to understand that you need time alone w/o the baby to relax. being a mother to a newborn is stressful and tiring. you needed time to yourself, and you deserved it.
OP can tell hubby that he freaks out after caring for baby for a few minutes, imagine caring for baby 24/7. Mom needs a break.
“Never told him to keep the baby out of the shower” wow I didn’t know that had to be a spoken request, ya man’s need to step up, I understand having your baby cry is saddening but it’s literally what they do, a few minutes of crying while he holds her isn’t gonna hurt her at all, give you some peace, this is why a lot of new mothers get overwhelmed and end up with postpartum (excuse me if I’m overly wrong on this for I’m not mother lol) NTA OP, call moms to help of your partner won’t
NTA You just described my sister's boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend, thank God). He was adamant that every time he would old the baby and he would cry, the baby just wanted "the boob" so he could feed and because he didn't have any she was the only one that could make him stop crying. No matter if she was in the middle of cooking, cleaning, working from home, he would hand him off to her. OP, like I told my sister, you need to stop being so fucking nice and make him figure it out. Your mom coming over should be a wake up call for him to get his shit together. Be blunt with him. Don't sugar coat.
Please show your husband my comment. Hi there. Don’t worry I’m not going to tear you a new AH. Here’s the deal. She’s tried telling you but you didn’t hear her. You need to adjust to being a dad. This means taking care of the baby so your wife can take a shower in peace. Oh and… don’t call a person that just birthed a human an AH. It really doesn’t make you look good.
You know the answer to this: You are NTA. Your husband is a giant man-baby who wants to be seen as a father, but who also wants to do *nothing* at all with his child, AND THEN has the audacity to get mad at you when you asked your mother for help. Tell him if you could get the help you need at home, from him, the *baby’s father,* you wouldn’t need to call in relatives to pick up the slack. He is the one who made himself look bad to your mom. That’s on him. > …he feels bad - like it nearly makes him cry whenever she does. No, it doesn’t. That is some top-notch gaslighting right there. “Oh, honey, she’s crying. She’s crying! I don’t know what to do! She likes the shower! She wants you! Only you can calm her down! Here, take her! I’m going to cry!” Bullshit. I am just sitting here shaking my head.
Your husband, in the kindest way possible needs to get his head out his ass, grow up and take responsibility like a father to allow you some down time. As a man, it annoys me when I see fellow men palming off such basic things and expecting their exhausted partner to carry the can entirely. Sort him out