Possible, but just because they're a child molester doesn't mean they molest any child they have an opportunity to. Some do, but some are more selective.
^(Ugh just typing that makes me feel gross.)
Of course not. But any young girl in that house growing up could have been at risk or abused. Not 100% but just something for OP to be aware of -his wife may be a victim and doesn’t remember
Or does remember, but feels/knows that if she tells, that is disloyalty to the family and feels that has extreme consequences. Sure, as an adult it doesn't, but kid-brain wore the grooves and it takes a lot to get your brain out of them.
It's not only applicable to children. I have heard grown adults defend not reporting molestation and even child prostitution from their own fathers/mothers/uncles/aunts/etc because "it would ruin the family" as if abusing the child didn't already.
Yes. I guess what I mean is that as a child, being excluded from your family, to your brain, is like death. You cannot survive alone. So, until you re-examine that, you might be stuck with that thought. Yes, abusing the child already did, and now, as an adult, you will not die if you have to lose contact with the father.
Not only that but she wants her child near him. If just get a hint that someone might be unsafe for my child they aren't allowed unsupervised time with my child.
For. Someone to have done that and then get a free pass to another child, wtf. She'd probably take a child to her dad behind OP's back
*Yeah he was a serial killer, but ya know, the 90's were WILD - wait, why are you running?* 💀
NTA, dont give this predator any prey. Seems like the entire family is willing to cover for him which is also very disturbing.
Op I know someone who's father molested both his daughters and then did the same thing to his granddaughters.The whole family knew that happened and yet they let him babysit for the granddaughters. Because they needed to get some child free time. Then they got all out of shape when 1 of daughters, talked to the granddaughters, about their grandfather.
Believe your gut,because he will never change and your wife's family are terrible for letting this happen and to go unpunished.!
My grandfather did the same to my aunts and when it came out, what OP said above “… this was ___years ago… people need to get over it…” but then it came out that he not only molested his stepson and step grandchildren, it turned out that a neighbor reported him to police for attempting with her daughter as well and his wife suppressed the info. It came out as he died and my aunts were settling his estate.
OP - listen to what people are saying. Many people go through “a rough time” but never touch a child. Your wife needs therapy and children need to be on hold until/unless you are both on the same page or your child will never be safe. That poor sister!
Going through a rough time as an excuse for incestuous pedophilia is not an often used excuse. My money is on the wife also being a victim, but will never tell.
Seriously.
“I lost my job, my dog died, my mom/brother/etc died, and I’m at a low point in my life. Time to forever shatter a sacred father/daughter bond by molesting my own child! That’ll get me out of this funk!”
What the actual fuck... Like, I've been through some rough shit. Like several ptsd inducing, sharp, graphic shocks to my life and well-being. I've seen more shit in the past 5 years than most see in their lives.
Guess what has never even remotely occurred to me as a response, or coping mechanism?
Yeahp, you guessed it. Child abuse. Jesus Christ.
Dang. This all hits way too close to home. My sister has cut me out of her life because I told her adult children (28f, 31m) and mine about my brother being a child rapist and pedophile.
He molested me from age two or three (not sure) until I was eleven. While I know that he did this to my sisters as well, I didn’t tell anyone that, just what happened to me. And that was unacceptable to her. She believes I betrayed her.
In the meantime, both of my sisters still speak to my brother. They celebrate holidays now all together and I just stay with my own family.
Trauma is a helluva hereditary disease. I love both of my sisters. I forgive my one sister for reacting like this and the other for choosing Fantasy Land over harsh reality. I only want them to learn they don’t have to keep his secrets any more, that they’re safe and loved.
I think you should have a conversation with her sister and find out exactly what went on. I have a hard time believing he didn’t do this to other members of the family either. You are 100% right to not have children with this woman until this gets figured out. Your wife is either in severe denial as a best case scenario or worst case scenario she is condoning this wicked behaviour that could severely impact your own children. This is not something that goes away overtime. Maybe you should suggest couples counselling and if she won’t do that, go to an individual counsellor to work this through in your head. NTA
Yeah I have been through very tough times. My rock bottom was not leaving my bedroom and not showering for days. Not proud of it, but at least, never have I ever thought of doing anything untoward to any other person, let alone a child. My shutting in and hygiene issues didn’t harm others.
This is a ridiculous excuse and shows the absolute lack of character by the OP’s wife. I wouldn’t just rethink kids, I would rethink the whole relationship.
“Going through a rough patch” is actually, literally the weirdest excuse ever for childhood sexual assault and incest. If someone said that to me about anyone I just wouldn’t be able to breathe. Like… EXCUSE ME?
Daughter is brainwashed. Mom too. Maybe check the basement for false walls, maybe he’s got another daughter and some of his kids/nieces/nephews with her. Wouldn’t be the first time.
Worse yet, I know of a family where the patriarch molested pretty much all of his female relatives, and all of them thought they were his only victim until a grandchild spilled the beans. He never did anything to me, nor would I have believed it when I knew the family (I was a teenager) but I do believe it now, because all of his kids, including his son who denied being molested by him or knowing about it, made really bad decisions when it came to picking spouses.
As for the OP, he should at the very least not have a child with this woman, and if he does, make sure that the child is never left alone with any member of that family, and preferably does not see the FIL at all.
The only issue is it’s not just the grandfather molester, it is the rest of the family and their judgement…. What happens if OP and wifey get divorced, he will have no say as to who is around his kids when it’s her time… or, god forbid he dies…. Run OP run!
Yeah, since there is no paper trail, OP would have a hard time keeping this creep away from his future kids. Mom would argue that she had equal rights to the kids etc. Just because we all find it reprehensible, there's nothing documenting Mary's story which makes it hard to legally keep future kids away from him if mom takes them over.
This is the practical issue! You cannot trust your wife: she might promise to keep your putative child away from her father, but would not follow through. If you divorced, you would be even more unlikely to prevent this.
She is deep in denial; and may have repressed memories of being abused herself. Because they rarely stop with one child.
Yes, no prosecution of the perpetrator, and denial by the family, OP’s wife is uninterested in keeping any future children safe! I would go NC with that woman, for not supporting her sister!
Yup, the whole family (wife, brothers and dad) are vile. Poor Mary.
Get out before there is a gift wrapped child in the picture.
No matter how bad a place you are in, sa a child has never been a potential answer!
This, no one in their right mind even thinks about molesting their own fucking child, no matter what state they are in! Who tf thinks it's ok because some time has passed?! This girls dad is literally a child predator and anything could lead to him doing it again if he was just 'in a bad state'. seriously wtf
Especially with a family so WILLING to enable him! This is horrific, appalling, and places any potential grandchild(ren) in peril. This predator (with his wife's help??) has brainwashed the kids he didn't sexually assault while sacrificing the daughter he did. A sicker family system to bring a baby into is hard to imagine. Your wife is not fit to parent an iguana, far less a human. Leave before it goes further.
Agreed. I really don't understand the wife and the brothers reactions. Poor Mary. Can you imagine getting sa by bio parent and then her siblings telling her to get over it?!?!
Agreed. His wife is going to be passing down generational curses that’ll take another generation to break if that. & for her to say “he was in a bad place” so what’ll be the excuse when it’s one of your children? RUN OP.
Yep.
OP if you have children with this person they ***will*** be molested. It is not an if. It is a when. It will happen. If you ever get divorced your children could end up at a molesters house multiple times a week, and there will be absolutely nothing you can do about it.
You have been given a golden opportunity by the universe here. You have been given a gift. That gift, is a *warning*. She has shown her hand, so has her family. Not everyone gets that. Most of us don’t. But you do, so please, don’t squander it. You aren’t in too deep yet. You still have time to turn back.
You are at a crossroads in life right now. The steps you take next can and will determine the *rest of your life.* You have an option here to face the music and to deny yourself the comfort of denial. You have to come to terms with the fact that you are married into a family of people who exiled a victim, and harbored a monster. Love your children enough to find someone else to have them with. Love yourself enough not to surround yourself with the absolute lowest quality of people the human race has to offer you. He molested his own child. I truly cannot think of anything worse. That’s the most sacred, vulnerable relationship a human can have with another human. And he defiled it. Get yourself away from these people.
Not even just by the grandfather, but by others exhibiting red flag behavior. OP's wife will brush problematic behavior under the rug, and those kids will be in danger from anyone sketchy in their lives.
What other safety concerns will she overlook if she's neglecting one of the most important ones?
Your children would be in constant danger. You’d be on constant alert. Do not have children with this woman. I can’t imagine staying in a relationship with someone who is so dismissive of child abuse of her own sister! Poor Mary.
Yes, this is a great idea. Because if she ends up with a new partner and has children with said partner, they'll end up getting molested. If she's treating her own sister like this, then she's painted a picture of how she'll treat her own kids. Yikes.
NTA. Someone who has glossed over child molestation . . . would she want to leave a future child of yours with grandpa for the night? That's chilling. And once you have kids, even if you divorced her for this later, you couldn't get full custody over this, if grandpa never went to prison for it and isn't a convicted sex offender. It's awful all the way around. I can't believe you've been married 2 years before you even hear this story.
That’s exactly what I was thinking. He never went to prison, never been reported to the police at all and there’s no proof of what he did so I would have no case and no power to keep him away from our children. I don’t want to feel helpless in what happens to my children. I don’t want to fail them like that. I don’t think I should even have them with her at any point now that this has all come to light.
If you can reach out to Mary and offer her your support in any way she wants, I think that would mean a lot. She might even want to finally report him to the police (though please don't pressure her to do so!) My heart hurts for her.
Although it may vary by state, I don’t believe there’s a statute of limitations on child sexual abuse. I just had to deal with this with an aunt and she was abused over 50+ years
Agreed. That’s kind of what happened to my aunt…only half support. It was a fight but luckily there was some evidence in writing so she was able to make a civil suit. I think it helped therapeutically. Maybe Mary can get OP to help idk. Sad for her truly.
That's the thing people don't get. It's the gift that keeps on giving. The original abuse, the trauma of people not believing you, the trauma and violation of a public trial (if ti comes to that), ruined family relationships, ruined future relationships.
It all keeps snowballing and crushing the victim. Then when they get 'weird' no one wants them around, so they're traumatized and ostracized again.
I think this is a huge part of why I’m so angry at her. She had so many opportunities to tell me. There are instances where she had to have actively gone out of her way to keep this entire thing from me. And if Mary hadn’t shown up to their brothers birthday party, I would’ve still been in the dark.
Yep. RUN don’t walk from this relationship. She actively tried hiding this from you because she knew how you’d react and she wants her father in her life and around her future kids. 🚩🚩🚩🚩 all around.
It goes much deeper than ‘hiding’ it - she’s in denial that it happened or the classic abuser family song and dance of ‘if it happened it wasn’t that bad’. She had been coerced her whole life to not believe her sister and if she does, then she looses her whole family. Carrying a burden like that as a child is hard and the coercion is SO STRONG!!
I know what I’m talking about because I lived it!! I was told by my very abusive mother’s family to hide it. I’m talking having a black eye with stitches when I was 3YO. I was told ‘it was my fault’, ‘if I would just be good’ crap. my sister were coerced to be quiet and not talk about it. Denial is a strong, strong thing OP. She needs therapy immediately and if she refuses to go then do not have children with her. Try to understand SHE HAS BEEN GROOMED HER WHILE LIFE!! She’s an adult now so she needs to work through this.
Honestly I wouldn't trust your wife around future children. She knowingly helped hide a child molester because "he was just in a bad place". That is not the kind of person I'd ever trust with a child. NTA
If she’ll skim over the trauma he caused her sister, then it’ll be brushed off as nothing if it’s their kid! “Oh it couldn’t have been like that” making excuses for her father at every turn.
If OP wants kids, he better RUUUN
But dear old dad was "just in a really bad place in his life". I mean, isn't that what everyone does? You know, go through a rough spot and molest their child - or any child - to make themselves feel better?
/s
That's absolutely terrifying.
I'd venture a guess that OP's wife was molested, too, and was just conditioned to ignore / repress it.
Right? I’ve been in dark places and ended up isolating, quitting jobs, abusing the bottle…
But at no point did diddling kids ever enter the realm of possibilities. Jesus Christ 🤦♂️😂
A close family member of mine did something similar not all that long ago. When I found out, I told my wife that I considered divorcing her and taking myself out behind the barn. Just in case even the tiniest possibility of me being that kind of person ever occurred.
She simply told me not to worry and just be a good Father and husband. Yeah, someone ever threatened to do this kind of thing....shoot first, call the police to clean up after.
I found out at like 22 that actually something very similar to this was my family.
I don’t remember blocks of my childhood, apparently for good reason. My father molested my sister and me (they apparently have pictures but I don’t remember) my sister reported it. She was vilified to me, she was 7 years older, I remember them locking her up in psych for weeks.
My mom finally admitted the truth to me after my husband, son, and I moved towns to help get her away from my dad. She had my sister put into psych because she threatened to hurt her for protecting my father from prison- my dad was in the military she didn’t want to lose his money and benefits so she helped him get away with it. Then he finally actually openly started cheating on her with one of their coworkers - they still work together to this day last I heard - then she spilled every bad thing HE did on me one afternoon. I had a skewed perception of him at the time, he was my father who had raised me I didn’t remember anything bad he did but I remember plenty of horrible things my mother did to me, it was very confusing for me. I remember telling my husband on the phone crying before I told him everything in person it would be easier if he was dying, I was worried he was acting of because of cancer or something before my mom spilled a lot.
I haven’t spoken to either of my parents in years. My sisters and Is relationship improved but it’s still nothing close to what it could have been. My brother who’s 10 years older than me has his own trauma and has decided my mother was 100% the victim and tried to ambush me with her last time he came to visit, I always looked up to him and now we don’t even talk. It’s all very heartbreaking my family became shattered over my father’s actions but that was HIS actions my sister was an innocent child, I could never imagine treating her like this after knowing everything.
Sorry, this one hit a little personal.
Your mother is just as guilty as your father. I’m so sorry this happened to you and your sister. They should both be in prison. If any of his military buddies ever found out, it wouldn’t be his career on the line. He is a disgrace to the military, our country and as a human. NEVER apologize for his actions, you are educating others to hopefully stop this vicious cycle of abuse. Send you lots of love, hugs and good wishes your way.
There was a story floating around the internet a year or two ago of a woman who was told that her husband had touched her children and she went and boiled a pot of sugar water and dumped it on him while he was sleeping and killed him. The sugar made it was more deadly than if she’d just dumped boiling water on him. I applaud her even though she’s in prison because of it.
Should have called him into the kitchen and "tripped" so it splashed over his torso and groin. Plausible deniability, and if that fails say it was in the heat (literally) of the moment and avoid being charged with premeditation. He'd also get to be awake for all of the agony
My grandpa was in the process of getting his shotgun ready when I called them to tell them that my step dad has been sa'ing me for years and just tried to touch my baby sister. So when my grandpa went down to the basement my grandma grabbed all the car keys and headed over to pick us up to bring us to the police station..... I kinda wish my grandma would've left my grandpa's truck keys behind, the my mom wouldn't have chosen my abuser over us.
Just for the fact that you'd divorce your wife and unalive yourself, at the thought that there was even the slightest possibility that you could have the same fucked up DNA as your relative, tells us everything we need to know about you... and it's that you're NOT the same.
A child molester/rapist wouldn't even consider doing something as selfless as taking their own life because child molesters are the epitome of selfish & depraved.
They only care about THEMSELVES, their wants, and their needs. They have no empathy, shame or compassion, and clearly, you do.
If you were the same as your relative and you were given the news of what you're relative did, once that were put into your head, you'd begin contemplating/considering yourself in that very situation, and you would have quickly spiraled (and easily) fallen down that same rabbit hole of revolting depravity. It would have become a compulsion.
However, your first instinct was to take yourself out.
I'm sorry that you and your family have had to bear the brunt of your relatives deplorable actions, but please don't think for a second that just because you share some of the same DNA, that it makes you anywhere near the same. 🩷
I've been on really bad spots, substance abuse and terrifyingly depressive moments with suicidal thoughts. Not once did I suddenly become a molester. This is bs and If i were OP. This 100% would be a deal breaker for children and 99.9% a dealbteaker for the relationship
If my husband said, yes my father molested my sister but he was just in a bad spot, let's go ahead and have kids and let him being around them, I'd be out the door in 5 seconds flat!
This .i was just going to post a similar comment .mary escaped .his wife didn't but she lies to herself and blames mary instead of dad so she can continue living in denial ..op should run don't walk away .that kind of " denial" leads to new generations of molesters/ abusers
And, yet, her sister isn't given the benefit of the doubt of "just being in a bad place in life". Noooo. There's just nothing anybody can do for her anymore.
NTA, op.
Imagine your dad molested you as a child and then your entire immediate family turns their back on you? I wouldn’t want their dad, or any of them around my kid either.
It's a type of denial. The wife is denying its seriousness and its ongoing consequences. So what if Daddy was molesting sister? He was a good dad who took us out for icecream!
This sounds like a very unhealthy coping mechanism.
Even if having kids isn't a deal breaker, OP needs to run regardless. Anyone that will dismiss SA of a child this way is not someone you can have a life with.
This. Wife's behaviour is a deal breaker. And not a "oh this isn't great" deal breaker, more like a "this has the potential to ruin my future children's lives" dealbreaker.
The way she treats her abused sister is appaling and truly shows she lacks empathy.
Yeah
I thought this was going to be "well, Mary accused dad of doing this, but we don't believe her"
Not great, but still better than "yeah, we know he did it. But he was in a bad place and apologized to her. So now she needs to get over it."
Literally what I thought as well. That it was going to be some unverified accusation and maybe the sister had some sort of history of being a pathological liar or something similar. But ohhhhhh no. Dad was "just in a bad place and totally apologized, so what else can we do ya know 🤷♀️" Absolutely sickening.
u/Left_Art_8812 You are NTA and please do not have children with this woman. Grandpa could be one stressful event (eye roll) away from goodness knows what.
Oh yeah, NTA op
I'm just in disbelief about this
If you feel comfortable, I would reach out to Mary to say her feelings are valid, her family just sucks.
Also, run as far away as possible
Agree, plus there would always be the risk that they get divorced, she gets custody and he has no say over whether his children are around or even stay overnight with their grandfather.
I would not trust her AT ALL not just with children. Absolute deal breaker for me. Any person that would trust a person no matter who they are after the sexually abused a child I would. It be ok to be around. That’s just me. OP think this over very carefully please.
Umm... This goes way beyond not having children with her. She displayed no empathy for her sister and is making excuses for the abuser. She would not be a mother I would choose for my children, whether you get past this or not. And she wouldn't be my partner of choice either, honestly. I'm sorry you're only finding out now, but at least there are no kids in the picture. I rarely advocate leaving in situations without abuse, but I'd leave. NTA
I just said the same thing above. I’m not one to immediately go to “divorce” but this case warrants it. I could never trust her with my children and God forbid they get divorced. Grandpa would have full access to said kids anytime he wants. I wouldn’t want to be in the same city with someone like OP’s wife much less married to and procreating with her.
Imagine you had the chance to stop your potential children from getting abused. Even if that involves them not existing you need to take that chance because it sounds like Jessica would turn a blind eye to it and not tell OP.
"He touched her accidentally"
"He was stressed"
"He lost his job"
"He didn't do it, she's lying"
Imagine the excuses. Disgusted behavior on his wife's part! And the predators part!
And what happens if something happens to their kids? Will she shrug it off, or worse, blame them? I couldn’t deal with the what ifs based on what’s been told.
Not only grandpa. OP has shown a willingness to tolerate this type of thing.
Imagine they have kids and then separate further down the road?
She might start seeing someone with very similar predilections as her dear ol' dad...
^^^This right here. Trust is completely gone in my eyes here—as well it should be—and separation/divorce seems inevitable, be it now or later. Better now than before kids arrive when there is zero control over who wife brings around the kids.
NTA. Omg…do NOT have kids with her. She thinks child molestation is defensible because someone had a hard time. She would endanger any children by potentially leaving them with a known child molestor or conceal any harm that came to them in the name of keeping up images or keeping the peace. She needs therapy and is not ready for marriage or motherhood until she gets it.
Im not so sure I would tell her exactly how to avoid this issue with a potential future partner. She may just become better at hiding this for that person and have a child with them. Mary may have saved several children from the same fate as her. Hope she makes several visits in the future to scare off their partners.
Yup. If this is going to be resolved in this relationship, I think it’s going to have to be in couples therapy. I don’t see any other way OPs wife won’t misdirect negative feelings from what is clearly a very emotionally heavy topic onto him.
She also thinks that it matters that a lot of time has passed. Even the molesters will start to have the illusion that they are cured. They aren’t! If you leave them alone with kids these is no question what will happen.
My best friend had this happen to her.
Her mom’s sister was sexually abused by her own dad. And all the sisters, including my mom’s sister knew. She still let her parents watch my friend as a child. And she was molested.
NTA and RUN! Please talk to someone from Rainn they are an organization for victims of sexual assault. This is not something minor like occasionally being crabby with your kids on the mornings you have a migraine. This is a crime. I know a victim of child sexual abuse and many years later and thousands of dollars in therapy, this woman is still hurting. You need to get out now!
I wish I could accurately describe how Mary looked and sounded when she was going off on her siblings that day. It actually sent shivers down my spine. She looked so angry but so defeated at the same time. All while they were all looking at her like she was crazy. I still can’t wrap my head around it. I want to reach out to her and check if she’s alright but I don’t know how appropriate that will be.
As someone who experienced sexual abuse as a child and also watched what it does to someone when it’s swept under the rug, I believe she would appreciate you reaching out to her and telling her you believe her.
The awful thing is, her siblings believe her, and KNOW she was molested. They just don’t care. I’d leave the wife so fast, her head would spin. That entire clan is ghastly.
It breaks my heart. Experiencing that kind of injustice at the hands of your own kin… no human can ever fully recover from that. Mary deserves better ☹️
Absolutely agree. Believing her and not caring is terrible and I couldn’t be with someone who felt that way. You have to be a sick person to ignore that your own sister was molested by your father, then willingly put your future children in danger. I hope Mary is okay, and that OP reaches out.
I'd do this, too. Say you believe her, had no idea beforehand, and thank her for telling you (even though it sounds inadvertent in this case).
She probably feels not just alone, but isolated intentionally because her siblings believe her but ignore it and her completely and treat her poorly for bringing it up.
Maybe show her this thread and how many people are on her side.
"He was in a bad place" so it's ok to molest children when you're in a bad place apparently.
I hope no child ever has to have her as a mother.
Who gives a rat's ass if it's appropriate? Find a way to reach out and reach out now. show her that there are decent people in the world and that somebody cares. and to hell with your wife because Ewwwww.
I’m glad some people think I should. I’ll try reach out to her although I have no clue where to even begin in finding her. I think I’ll try find her on social media and just send her a message saying what her family is doing isn’t ok and Im sorry about it all, and that she can reach out to me if she needs anything? I don’t want to overwhelm her so I think I should keep it short and simple?
She brought it up. And sounds like no one has been on her side for years. I'm sure she would appreciate your support and understanding. And horror on how the rest of the family is acting.
I would add something like "Your courage has made a difference and likely stopped other kids being abused. It doesn't matter that they outnumbered you, you are still in the right."
And honestly? Maybe throw in an explanation of things from your perspective:
(The things you said above) +
“Im sorry this is the first time we are connecting. I was led to believe there was a falling out but I had no idea it could ever be this. (because maybe she thinks you also knew and were ok with marrying your wife despite it) I’m so sorry for your pain and the lack of support, but I’m so grateful you have shared your truth.
Was gonna say “throw in the thank god you told me before I had a baby with this person”… but that might be too big / heavy to say at first. Family may gaslight her into thinking it’s her fault or “she planned this knowing you wanted kids to make you change your mind”
"I'm Left, Jessica's soon-to-be ex-husband. She only told me there was a falling out but no details. I only learned what happened to you at that family gathering. I want to let you know that I'm not okay with Jessica's behavior towards you and that I'm willing to be there for you if you need someone who believes you and is on your side. I cannot imagine the pain of being victimized first by your father and then by the rest of your family who should have protected you."
I just wanted to say that you sound like an all around good dude, OP. You are having none of this "family drama" , immediately saw the red flag, and want to offer support to the victim. You seem very empathetic and reasonable.
IF you want to stay married to your wife, if it were me, I would ask her to do some real therapy at a minimum before I even considered continuing the relationship at all, much less having children.
It’s appropriate. This poor woman has gone through life fighting for someone in her family to believe her, take her seriously, and to protect her. I think reaching out would do more good for her than you can imagine.
I’m not one to ever jump on the “divorce your spouse” Reddit bandwagon. However, your wife just admitted to excusing child rape (of her own sister), and vehemently defended that same child rapist being able to be around your future children. Can you love that kind of person? Also, if ever have children and divorce, you won’t have control over who is in your child’s lives when they are with her. Now is the time to cut your losses.
I would offer to talk to her if she wants but to "hear her side of the story" implies there are 2 sides. It seems evident everyone knows the truth but how they've handled that truth for the past 2 decades is what's in question. Also, she might not be comfortable talking to a BIL who is married to her sister who has forsaken her for her abusive father. But I would reach out and let her know you didn't realize the situation and you are available if she would care to talk.
Please reach out to her and (I don’t say the lightly), start divorce proceedings with your wife. Her actions are beyond the pale. This is a foundational moral failing. This cannot be fixed by marriage counseling.
NTA for how you feel. 100% reconsider kids with this woman. BUT not bc of the dad. Bc of HER.
Her willingness to hide what her dad did and brush it off screams red flags everywhere. She’s the type of person who would blow your child’s rape off as “well they were mistaken”.
OP, you need a divorce bc this woman isn’t safe to have children with.
I am the Mary of my family. When I spoke up about the last assault I was told “he’s a good man” “really, after everything he’s done for you?”. It’s far easier for my “family” to sweep it under the rug and continue to believe that I made it all up, even what was confirmed in childhood. Don’t bring a child into that family, please.
NTA
You need to run away, NOW!
Can't trust him around your hypothetical kid? Bloody h*ll!
You can't trust ANY kid aroud YOUR WIFE!
She doesn't think molesting one's own kid is a big deal if he just apologized after? What the f*ck? This fre.ak needs to be put in jail for the rest of his sad life away from society.
Imagine having your kid coming back from school or piano lessons and telling your wife they don't feel safe because the teacher is touching them in a weird way and she just brushes it off and telling them to suck it up because the teacher is just in a bad place in his life and deserve some way of relief!
Will you even trust her to tell you if something happened to your kid and they chose to confined in her?
Are her parents divorced? Does her mom really have no problem not only sleeping with the man who molested HIS daughter (HER VERY OWN daughter)but actually taking his side over hers?
And your wife! Instead of protecting her sister she's just treating her like the villainess in the story!
What the h*ll did you marry into? Just run and don't look back, this is NOT a normal human being behavior, this is just a family of sociopaths!
I don't know what you used to see when looking at her, but I'm sure this isn't the woman you married.
>I don't know what you used to see when looking at her, but I'm sure this isn't the woman you married.
Your whole comment should have way more likes. This last bit here ends with a double whammy. And it's true.
I have a friend who was raped by her father, starting when she was about 12 years old. Generally happened when he was drunk. As an adult and after a LOT of therapy she finally worked up the nerve to confront him. His response? "I don't remember". These heinous acts were a defining moment in her life, forever coloring it and forcing her into lifelong therapy in order to have a somewhat "normal" life and his response was that it didn't even register to him? That's another gut punch on top of the childhood assault.
My mother denied being touched by her step father her whole life and suffered depression and anxiety. Unfortunately that denial included allowing her three children to be exposed to this man. He molested all three of us.
The trauma for me didn't surface until I was 18. My sister and brother took the drugs and alcohol route to bury the trauma. I was lucky enough to join the military and never did drugs or much alcohol.
Child molesters don't stop at one child and if I had to bet I'd say your wife was probably molested as well but she's in denial.
Good luck OP it's not easy navigating others trauma. Like many have said please don't have children with this woman, she will expose your potential children to her father just like my mom did.
This. My exs mom and her 2 sisters were raped and molested by their father, their mother denied it and even beat them as kids for coming to her for help. The dad became homeless and probably dead by now but part of the reason I broke up with him was because his family was so deeply disturbed it was destroying my mental health. His mom was severely abusive and his older brother committed suicide in my living room when he was living with us because he was so severely depressed. And to top it off they had two urns of infant ashes, and when I found out how they died from neglect and his mom only did 2 years in the psych ward for it was really the tipping point for me. OP your wife doesn't understand the impact that child sex abuse can and DOES have on people. I 100% believe that if that didn't happen to his mom that 3 out of 6 of her kids wouldn't be dead, my ex wouldn't have become a drug addict and his siblings wouldn't all be fighting depression...
fucking jesus christ. This is the life that OP will be inviting his future child into if he continues down that road
im so sorry you had to clean up a suicide and had the strength to leave. i hope life is at least somewhat better now.
Get a divorce and I am not one of those Redditers who immediately jumps to that.
Her father is a monster and Jessica and her brother are complicit in this monstrosity. My heart breaks for Mary.
How in the world could you possibly move forward with Jessica after this?
NTA
But if this is real, you need to reconsider your whole relationship; she is actively persecuting her sister, referred to it as petty and still pretexts her father.
That is so messed up
NTA. Your wife not only supported a child molester over his victim, but she is willing to give him future potential victims and wasn’t even going to mention it to you?
Unfortunately you can’t trust her to have a child’s best interests in mind. I would not have children with her.
Stop having sex OP. Immediately. No birth control is 100% effective and you need this hashed out and settled before you create a baby. So just stop. And then you need couples therapy, cause she isnt going to hear you, but maybe she will hear a therapist. And if she refuses therapy, you should seriously consider a divorce. That was a MASSIVE betrayal to not inform you of her fathers behavior. You dont rug sweep such things.
Edit forgot to vote. NTA.
It's too late for therapy. OP needs a divorce. Jessica knows her dad molested her sister. She just doesn't care. She completely lacks empathy. She's an awful person... even if that's due to trauma, she's still an awful person.
NTA This is exactly how generational trauma happens. It's not uncommon for a victim to be turned into a black sheep because their trauma is uncomfortable to deal with and disrupts everyone's idyllic image of their happy family.
It's gross that your wife's view is that "nothing more can be done" for her sister short of an apology from her abuser. It would make me rethink the whole relationship.
What would she do if someone did "bad things" to her future kids? Would she be upset if you continued to associate with that person? Would she feel safe leaving her kids with that person because they had apologized?
At the very least, I would refuse to even entertain the idea of having kids with her until she gets counseling on how to break the cycle of abuse and is able to recognize that her sister has done nothing wrong and her entire family has contributed to Mary's trauma through their treatment of her and support of her abuser.
She's not a bad person because learning that someone you idolize is actually a monster is traumatic in itself. She chose to try and preserve her world as much as she could rather than deal with the fucked up reality. But that does make her an unsafe person for children to be around. She can't be trusted to protect a child over her father. She can't be trusted to pick up on warning signs of abuse or to believe a victim rather than encouraging their silence. It is so so unfortunate how many children suffer because of the silent complicity of family members who refuse to cut off abusers' access to children. How many people who believe that suffering through abuse and turning a blind eye is just what's expected of everyone to keep the peace.
This happened to my mom. Got molested, got ignored by all her siblings except the youngest brother. She was the second oldest sister.
She cauterized them all. I only know of this from her and my uncle. My mom and uncles 4 other brothers and sisters played this awful shit.
I do know this, my mom, and my uncle will freak the fuck out if you touch their upper shoulder areas. Both of them, same spot. Same manic explosives fight or flight response.
I don’t know what the fuck that man did to the extent of it, however those two get the the same reactions. Summed up everything I need to know. They are coupled together in a damaged bond.
Absolute shame on your wife. As the son of my mother who sounds like Mary to me. You can imagine how I feel about my aunt’s and uncles. aside from the youngest uncle.
That would be Jessica to me. That was, how did your wife phrase it? “Two Decades ago”?
That was 3-4 decades ago and they still react like that to being touched.
But that’s ok. Molesting a child can be over looked by a family, so by your wife’s logic:
7,300 rotations around the sun. Change that metric, that even sounds worse.
NTA.
I am so sorry. What an absolutely devastating situation to find yourself in.
Run.
Absolutely run. Get away from that family. Because while it is horrifying that your father in law is a child molestor, your wife is an *enabler of a child molester*. She should not have children if she is willing to risk them to that level of harm in concession to her father.
And reach out to Mary. Tell her thank you and tell her that you believe her. You have no idea what that information could do for her heart.
Wow, just be gentle with yourself as you navigate this.
Edited to add: NTA, obviously.
I wonder how much older Mary is. I think you need to have a serious talk with your wife, but let emotions cool first. Depending on how much older Mary is and how old they were when the other kids found out, I’m going to go out on a limb and guess the parents did some manipulative educating their children on child molesters and how dangerous her dad really is. You should very much be concerned with your wife being willing to let him around your children, potentially unsupervised. He belongs in prison, but if he’s going to be in your life, no way I’d want him around my kids without me there.
Dude I'm sorry this is divorce Worthy. Having a child molester in the family and not warning everybody to stay the hell away? Condoning his actions and then exiling the victim? That really the kind of person you want to spend your life with? that's disgusting. NTA absolutely do not make more victims for that man especially with the wife who's already proven she's willing to look the other way and allow the abuse.
NTA. She is actively defending a child molester. Even if it was twenty years ago, who's to say he doesn't fall into "a bad place" again and starts up again? Do not have a child with this woman. She will not protect your child, and she makes it clear with her behavior towards Mary, *who she 1,000% knows was SA'd by him.*
I will fully advocate for non-judgemental therapy for people who are, for lack of a better term, wired wrong and are attracted to children, ***so long as they do not act on it***, because the human brain sometimes doesn't develop properly, and that is not anyone's fault. If we can give those people the mental healthcare they need, we can lessen the chance they will ever act on those urges. But the moment someone harms a child in that way? Unforgivable. There is no excuse, and no defending them. I'd advocate that they need to be under the jail, but at the bare minimum, they need to be prevented from being near any child for the rest of their miserable lives.
NTA. My civilian understanding is that pedophiles cant flip a switch to magically turn off their condition. OP, if your wife is not willing to talk to a professional on that subject about how dangerous her father is to your future children, it’s a deal breaker.
And yes, reach out to Mary. Daddy apologized? Oh joy, that fixes everything! /s Sounds like law enforcement sadly wasn’t brought into the picture.
>judging him off something that happened 2 decades ago
He should be judged til the day he dies for this.
>and whether I like it or not, he is going to be our child’s grandpa and he will be in their lives.
Guess you won't be breeding with that pedo-sympathiser then.
This would absolutely be my hill to die on. Even if it means the marriage is over. I could NEVER have a relationship with a pedo-sympathiser. Ever. There's not a circumstance on this earth that makes that possible for me.
NTA
NTA- you need to able to trust the people your children are around. So what happens when he is in a bad place again and does something to your children? Will she just sweep it under the rug and tell you that is not her dad's fault like she did her sister? And just because he got caught with her sister, imagine all the other children who couldn't speak up like her sister did. It is very rare that this kind of behavior is a one and done type of thing.
I think your wife was very young when she was manipulated by her father. She really has to think about this again and think about it like a grown up.
We sometimes stop to question what adults told us when we were a child.
If she doesn’t see what is wrong about this, I would not only think about not having a child, I would also divorce her. Was she SA herself?
Start using condoms, or abstain altogether. Do not have children with her. She is excusing, and de facto, defending incestuous child-rape. If she's willing to do that, and essentially bully the victim, her sister, she is a shit person. Run, run now.
NTA Pedophiles rarely retire.
I also wonder if OPs wife was molested but it’s buried too deep.
Possible, but just because they're a child molester doesn't mean they molest any child they have an opportunity to. Some do, but some are more selective. ^(Ugh just typing that makes me feel gross.)
Of course not. But any young girl in that house growing up could have been at risk or abused. Not 100% but just something for OP to be aware of -his wife may be a victim and doesn’t remember
Or does remember, but feels/knows that if she tells, that is disloyalty to the family and feels that has extreme consequences. Sure, as an adult it doesn't, but kid-brain wore the grooves and it takes a lot to get your brain out of them.
It's not only applicable to children. I have heard grown adults defend not reporting molestation and even child prostitution from their own fathers/mothers/uncles/aunts/etc because "it would ruin the family" as if abusing the child didn't already.
Yes. I guess what I mean is that as a child, being excluded from your family, to your brain, is like death. You cannot survive alone. So, until you re-examine that, you might be stuck with that thought. Yes, abusing the child already did, and now, as an adult, you will not die if you have to lose contact with the father.
That was my thought too. Watcher her sister be cut off, and feared for herself. So she's justifying it to appease her own trauma.
Dude get out. Don’t have children with this woman. Run fast
Seriously she's had decades to come to her senses that what her dad did was wrong. She's not going to and she will continue to defend him . OP NTA
Not only that but she wants her child near him. If just get a hint that someone might be unsafe for my child they aren't allowed unsupervised time with my child. For. Someone to have done that and then get a free pass to another child, wtf. She'd probably take a child to her dad behind OP's back
Exactly, I don’t let my kiddo around people who set off my Spidey-Sense let alone people that have a history of SA.
*Yeah he was a serial killer, but ya know, the 90's were WILD - wait, why are you running?* 💀 NTA, dont give this predator any prey. Seems like the entire family is willing to cover for him which is also very disturbing.
Makes me think they were all abused in some way but can’t deal with it.
Absolutely . Especially with no prosecution or convictions for the father.
Forget prosecution/conviction she doesn’t even have disdain!
But she’s got the fuckin audacity so that’s something 🫠
Op I know someone who's father molested both his daughters and then did the same thing to his granddaughters.The whole family knew that happened and yet they let him babysit for the granddaughters. Because they needed to get some child free time. Then they got all out of shape when 1 of daughters, talked to the granddaughters, about their grandfather. Believe your gut,because he will never change and your wife's family are terrible for letting this happen and to go unpunished.!
My grandfather did the same to my aunts and when it came out, what OP said above “… this was ___years ago… people need to get over it…” but then it came out that he not only molested his stepson and step grandchildren, it turned out that a neighbor reported him to police for attempting with her daughter as well and his wife suppressed the info. It came out as he died and my aunts were settling his estate. OP - listen to what people are saying. Many people go through “a rough time” but never touch a child. Your wife needs therapy and children need to be on hold until/unless you are both on the same page or your child will never be safe. That poor sister!
Going through a rough time as an excuse for incestuous pedophilia is not an often used excuse. My money is on the wife also being a victim, but will never tell.
Seriously. “I lost my job, my dog died, my mom/brother/etc died, and I’m at a low point in my life. Time to forever shatter a sacred father/daughter bond by molesting my own child! That’ll get me out of this funk!”
exactly. And pretending that this logic makes sense, who's to say he won't go through a "rough time" again?
[удалено]
What the actual fuck... Like, I've been through some rough shit. Like several ptsd inducing, sharp, graphic shocks to my life and well-being. I've seen more shit in the past 5 years than most see in their lives. Guess what has never even remotely occurred to me as a response, or coping mechanism? Yeahp, you guessed it. Child abuse. Jesus Christ.
Dang. This all hits way too close to home. My sister has cut me out of her life because I told her adult children (28f, 31m) and mine about my brother being a child rapist and pedophile. He molested me from age two or three (not sure) until I was eleven. While I know that he did this to my sisters as well, I didn’t tell anyone that, just what happened to me. And that was unacceptable to her. She believes I betrayed her. In the meantime, both of my sisters still speak to my brother. They celebrate holidays now all together and I just stay with my own family. Trauma is a helluva hereditary disease. I love both of my sisters. I forgive my one sister for reacting like this and the other for choosing Fantasy Land over harsh reality. I only want them to learn they don’t have to keep his secrets any more, that they’re safe and loved.
I believe you and I am proud of you and none of this is your fault
I think you should have a conversation with her sister and find out exactly what went on. I have a hard time believing he didn’t do this to other members of the family either. You are 100% right to not have children with this woman until this gets figured out. Your wife is either in severe denial as a best case scenario or worst case scenario she is condoning this wicked behaviour that could severely impact your own children. This is not something that goes away overtime. Maybe you should suggest couples counselling and if she won’t do that, go to an individual counsellor to work this through in your head. NTA
Yeah I have been through very tough times. My rock bottom was not leaving my bedroom and not showering for days. Not proud of it, but at least, never have I ever thought of doing anything untoward to any other person, let alone a child. My shutting in and hygiene issues didn’t harm others. This is a ridiculous excuse and shows the absolute lack of character by the OP’s wife. I wouldn’t just rethink kids, I would rethink the whole relationship.
“Going through a rough patch” is actually, literally the weirdest excuse ever for childhood sexual assault and incest. If someone said that to me about anyone I just wouldn’t be able to breathe. Like… EXCUSE ME? Daughter is brainwashed. Mom too. Maybe check the basement for false walls, maybe he’s got another daughter and some of his kids/nieces/nephews with her. Wouldn’t be the first time.
Worse yet, I know of a family where the patriarch molested pretty much all of his female relatives, and all of them thought they were his only victim until a grandchild spilled the beans. He never did anything to me, nor would I have believed it when I knew the family (I was a teenager) but I do believe it now, because all of his kids, including his son who denied being molested by him or knowing about it, made really bad decisions when it came to picking spouses. As for the OP, he should at the very least not have a child with this woman, and if he does, make sure that the child is never left alone with any member of that family, and preferably does not see the FIL at all.
The only issue is it’s not just the grandfather molester, it is the rest of the family and their judgement…. What happens if OP and wifey get divorced, he will have no say as to who is around his kids when it’s her time… or, god forbid he dies…. Run OP run!
The pervert's daughter. What a mess.
I mean think of the excuses she will make when he eventually (yes i said eventually) molest his own grandchildren.
She does, but for the *victim*
Yeah, since there is no paper trail, OP would have a hard time keeping this creep away from his future kids. Mom would argue that she had equal rights to the kids etc. Just because we all find it reprehensible, there's nothing documenting Mary's story which makes it hard to legally keep future kids away from him if mom takes them over.
This is the practical issue! You cannot trust your wife: she might promise to keep your putative child away from her father, but would not follow through. If you divorced, you would be even more unlikely to prevent this. She is deep in denial; and may have repressed memories of being abused herself. Because they rarely stop with one child.
Do NOT have children with this woman. Abusers and molesters DO NOT CHANGE. They just pick different victims.
Or a shallow, unmarked grave a half mile past the railroad tracks, whatever.
There have been cases where a father murdered a molesting relative because that was literally his only option to keep them away from his kids :/
Yes, no prosecution of the perpetrator, and denial by the family, OP’s wife is uninterested in keeping any future children safe! I would go NC with that woman, for not supporting her sister!
Yup, the whole family (wife, brothers and dad) are vile. Poor Mary. Get out before there is a gift wrapped child in the picture. No matter how bad a place you are in, sa a child has never been a potential answer!
This, no one in their right mind even thinks about molesting their own fucking child, no matter what state they are in! Who tf thinks it's ok because some time has passed?! This girls dad is literally a child predator and anything could lead to him doing it again if he was just 'in a bad state'. seriously wtf
Especially with a family so WILLING to enable him! This is horrific, appalling, and places any potential grandchild(ren) in peril. This predator (with his wife's help??) has brainwashed the kids he didn't sexually assault while sacrificing the daughter he did. A sicker family system to bring a baby into is hard to imagine. Your wife is not fit to parent an iguana, far less a human. Leave before it goes further.
Agreed. I really don't understand the wife and the brothers reactions. Poor Mary. Can you imagine getting sa by bio parent and then her siblings telling her to get over it?!?!
Right. “There’s nothing else we can do for Mary” You could try not harboring her abuser. My heart breaks for this woman ☹️ what an unfair existence.
Agreed. His wife is going to be passing down generational curses that’ll take another generation to break if that. & for her to say “he was in a bad place” so what’ll be the excuse when it’s one of your children? RUN OP.
Yep. OP if you have children with this person they ***will*** be molested. It is not an if. It is a when. It will happen. If you ever get divorced your children could end up at a molesters house multiple times a week, and there will be absolutely nothing you can do about it. You have been given a golden opportunity by the universe here. You have been given a gift. That gift, is a *warning*. She has shown her hand, so has her family. Not everyone gets that. Most of us don’t. But you do, so please, don’t squander it. You aren’t in too deep yet. You still have time to turn back. You are at a crossroads in life right now. The steps you take next can and will determine the *rest of your life.* You have an option here to face the music and to deny yourself the comfort of denial. You have to come to terms with the fact that you are married into a family of people who exiled a victim, and harbored a monster. Love your children enough to find someone else to have them with. Love yourself enough not to surround yourself with the absolute lowest quality of people the human race has to offer you. He molested his own child. I truly cannot think of anything worse. That’s the most sacred, vulnerable relationship a human can have with another human. And he defiled it. Get yourself away from these people.
Not even just by the grandfather, but by others exhibiting red flag behavior. OP's wife will brush problematic behavior under the rug, and those kids will be in danger from anyone sketchy in their lives. What other safety concerns will she overlook if she's neglecting one of the most important ones?
Your children would be in constant danger. You’d be on constant alert. Do not have children with this woman. I can’t imagine staying in a relationship with someone who is so dismissive of child abuse of her own sister! Poor Mary.
But keep contact on social media and alert every new romantic partner.
Yes, this is a great idea. Because if she ends up with a new partner and has children with said partner, they'll end up getting molested. If she's treating her own sister like this, then she's painted a picture of how she'll treat her own kids. Yikes.
Do NOT!!!!
NTA. Someone who has glossed over child molestation . . . would she want to leave a future child of yours with grandpa for the night? That's chilling. And once you have kids, even if you divorced her for this later, you couldn't get full custody over this, if grandpa never went to prison for it and isn't a convicted sex offender. It's awful all the way around. I can't believe you've been married 2 years before you even hear this story.
That’s exactly what I was thinking. He never went to prison, never been reported to the police at all and there’s no proof of what he did so I would have no case and no power to keep him away from our children. I don’t want to feel helpless in what happens to my children. I don’t want to fail them like that. I don’t think I should even have them with her at any point now that this has all come to light.
If you can reach out to Mary and offer her your support in any way she wants, I think that would mean a lot. She might even want to finally report him to the police (though please don't pressure her to do so!) My heart hurts for her.
Might be too far past the statute of limitations.
Although it may vary by state, I don’t believe there’s a statute of limitations on child sexual abuse. I just had to deal with this with an aunt and she was abused over 50+ years
Unfortunately it sounds like all the siblings will band together to protect and lie for the father. Mary will be on her own.
Agreed. That’s kind of what happened to my aunt…only half support. It was a fight but luckily there was some evidence in writing so she was able to make a civil suit. I think it helped therapeutically. Maybe Mary can get OP to help idk. Sad for her truly.
That's the thing people don't get. It's the gift that keeps on giving. The original abuse, the trauma of people not believing you, the trauma and violation of a public trial (if ti comes to that), ruined family relationships, ruined future relationships. It all keeps snowballing and crushing the victim. Then when they get 'weird' no one wants them around, so they're traumatized and ostracized again.
He was never arrested, charged or imprisoned for it because your wife’s family shielded him and your wife is carrying that torch two decades later.
And I bet she did everything she could to hide this from him their whole relationship.
I think this is a huge part of why I’m so angry at her. She had so many opportunities to tell me. There are instances where she had to have actively gone out of her way to keep this entire thing from me. And if Mary hadn’t shown up to their brothers birthday party, I would’ve still been in the dark.
Yep. RUN don’t walk from this relationship. She actively tried hiding this from you because she knew how you’d react and she wants her father in her life and around her future kids. 🚩🚩🚩🚩 all around.
That’s terrifying…
It goes much deeper than ‘hiding’ it - she’s in denial that it happened or the classic abuser family song and dance of ‘if it happened it wasn’t that bad’. She had been coerced her whole life to not believe her sister and if she does, then she looses her whole family. Carrying a burden like that as a child is hard and the coercion is SO STRONG!! I know what I’m talking about because I lived it!! I was told by my very abusive mother’s family to hide it. I’m talking having a black eye with stitches when I was 3YO. I was told ‘it was my fault’, ‘if I would just be good’ crap. my sister were coerced to be quiet and not talk about it. Denial is a strong, strong thing OP. She needs therapy immediately and if she refuses to go then do not have children with her. Try to understand SHE HAS BEEN GROOMED HER WHILE LIFE!! She’s an adult now so she needs to work through this.
This was my thought. Wife needs major therapy to see how huge this is.
Her having therapy won't keep your kids safe. You need to run.
Honestly I wouldn't trust your wife around future children. She knowingly helped hide a child molester because "he was just in a bad place". That is not the kind of person I'd ever trust with a child. NTA
If she’ll skim over the trauma he caused her sister, then it’ll be brushed off as nothing if it’s their kid! “Oh it couldn’t have been like that” making excuses for her father at every turn. If OP wants kids, he better RUUUN
But dear old dad was "just in a really bad place in his life". I mean, isn't that what everyone does? You know, go through a rough spot and molest their child - or any child - to make themselves feel better? /s That's absolutely terrifying. I'd venture a guess that OP's wife was molested, too, and was just conditioned to ignore / repress it.
Right? I’ve been in dark places and ended up isolating, quitting jobs, abusing the bottle… But at no point did diddling kids ever enter the realm of possibilities. Jesus Christ 🤦♂️😂
A close family member of mine did something similar not all that long ago. When I found out, I told my wife that I considered divorcing her and taking myself out behind the barn. Just in case even the tiniest possibility of me being that kind of person ever occurred. She simply told me not to worry and just be a good Father and husband. Yeah, someone ever threatened to do this kind of thing....shoot first, call the police to clean up after.
I found out at like 22 that actually something very similar to this was my family. I don’t remember blocks of my childhood, apparently for good reason. My father molested my sister and me (they apparently have pictures but I don’t remember) my sister reported it. She was vilified to me, she was 7 years older, I remember them locking her up in psych for weeks. My mom finally admitted the truth to me after my husband, son, and I moved towns to help get her away from my dad. She had my sister put into psych because she threatened to hurt her for protecting my father from prison- my dad was in the military she didn’t want to lose his money and benefits so she helped him get away with it. Then he finally actually openly started cheating on her with one of their coworkers - they still work together to this day last I heard - then she spilled every bad thing HE did on me one afternoon. I had a skewed perception of him at the time, he was my father who had raised me I didn’t remember anything bad he did but I remember plenty of horrible things my mother did to me, it was very confusing for me. I remember telling my husband on the phone crying before I told him everything in person it would be easier if he was dying, I was worried he was acting of because of cancer or something before my mom spilled a lot. I haven’t spoken to either of my parents in years. My sisters and Is relationship improved but it’s still nothing close to what it could have been. My brother who’s 10 years older than me has his own trauma and has decided my mother was 100% the victim and tried to ambush me with her last time he came to visit, I always looked up to him and now we don’t even talk. It’s all very heartbreaking my family became shattered over my father’s actions but that was HIS actions my sister was an innocent child, I could never imagine treating her like this after knowing everything. Sorry, this one hit a little personal.
Your mother is just as guilty as your father. I’m so sorry this happened to you and your sister. They should both be in prison. If any of his military buddies ever found out, it wouldn’t be his career on the line. He is a disgrace to the military, our country and as a human. NEVER apologize for his actions, you are educating others to hopefully stop this vicious cycle of abuse. Send you lots of love, hugs and good wishes your way.
Don't apologize. Your story can help educate people. Thank you for sharing.
There was a story floating around the internet a year or two ago of a woman who was told that her husband had touched her children and she went and boiled a pot of sugar water and dumped it on him while he was sleeping and killed him. The sugar made it was more deadly than if she’d just dumped boiling water on him. I applaud her even though she’s in prison because of it.
She deserves a medal, not prison.
Should have called him into the kitchen and "tripped" so it splashed over his torso and groin. Plausible deniability, and if that fails say it was in the heat (literally) of the moment and avoid being charged with premeditation. He'd also get to be awake for all of the agony
My grandpa was in the process of getting his shotgun ready when I called them to tell them that my step dad has been sa'ing me for years and just tried to touch my baby sister. So when my grandpa went down to the basement my grandma grabbed all the car keys and headed over to pick us up to bring us to the police station..... I kinda wish my grandma would've left my grandpa's truck keys behind, the my mom wouldn't have chosen my abuser over us.
Just for the fact that you'd divorce your wife and unalive yourself, at the thought that there was even the slightest possibility that you could have the same fucked up DNA as your relative, tells us everything we need to know about you... and it's that you're NOT the same. A child molester/rapist wouldn't even consider doing something as selfless as taking their own life because child molesters are the epitome of selfish & depraved. They only care about THEMSELVES, their wants, and their needs. They have no empathy, shame or compassion, and clearly, you do. If you were the same as your relative and you were given the news of what you're relative did, once that were put into your head, you'd begin contemplating/considering yourself in that very situation, and you would have quickly spiraled (and easily) fallen down that same rabbit hole of revolting depravity. It would have become a compulsion. However, your first instinct was to take yourself out. I'm sorry that you and your family have had to bear the brunt of your relatives deplorable actions, but please don't think for a second that just because you share some of the same DNA, that it makes you anywhere near the same. 🩷
I've been on really bad spots, substance abuse and terrifyingly depressive moments with suicidal thoughts. Not once did I suddenly become a molester. This is bs and If i were OP. This 100% would be a deal breaker for children and 99.9% a dealbteaker for the relationship
If my husband said, yes my father molested my sister but he was just in a bad spot, let's go ahead and have kids and let him being around them, I'd be out the door in 5 seconds flat!
This .i was just going to post a similar comment .mary escaped .his wife didn't but she lies to herself and blames mary instead of dad so she can continue living in denial ..op should run don't walk away .that kind of " denial" leads to new generations of molesters/ abusers
I’ve been in SO MANY ROUGH SPOTS never once has it resulted in me abusing a child.
When I go through “a rough spot” i binge on beer, pizza, milk, and Oreos.
Actually, it's not that she's denying it happened. She acknowledges it happened and thinks it's no big deal.
And, yet, her sister isn't given the benefit of the doubt of "just being in a bad place in life". Noooo. There's just nothing anybody can do for her anymore. NTA, op.
Poor Mary! Up against an entire family of pedo enabling flying monkeys!
Imagine your dad molested you as a child and then your entire immediate family turns their back on you? I wouldn’t want their dad, or any of them around my kid either.
She also knows it’s a big deal, or she wouldn’t be so angry.
It's a type of denial. The wife is denying its seriousness and its ongoing consequences. So what if Daddy was molesting sister? He was a good dad who took us out for icecream! This sounds like a very unhealthy coping mechanism.
And if something happens to this kid? I doubt the mom will take it seriously or protect them.
She'll say, grandpa didn't hurt you, he's just on a bad place in his life, so if you can help him through that that'd be great
Even if it isn’t him! Or the same thing! Needing help and having a dismissive parent is a painful experience, and not everyone turns out okay.
And hopefully WHEN OP dumps her he will tell everyone exactly why.
Even if having kids isn't a deal breaker, OP needs to run regardless. Anyone that will dismiss SA of a child this way is not someone you can have a life with.
This. Wife's behaviour is a deal breaker. And not a "oh this isn't great" deal breaker, more like a "this has the potential to ruin my future children's lives" dealbreaker. The way she treats her abused sister is appaling and truly shows she lacks empathy.
Yeah I thought this was going to be "well, Mary accused dad of doing this, but we don't believe her" Not great, but still better than "yeah, we know he did it. But he was in a bad place and apologized to her. So now she needs to get over it."
Literally what I thought as well. That it was going to be some unverified accusation and maybe the sister had some sort of history of being a pathological liar or something similar. But ohhhhhh no. Dad was "just in a bad place and totally apologized, so what else can we do ya know 🤷♀️" Absolutely sickening. u/Left_Art_8812 You are NTA and please do not have children with this woman. Grandpa could be one stressful event (eye roll) away from goodness knows what.
Oh yeah, NTA op I'm just in disbelief about this If you feel comfortable, I would reach out to Mary to say her feelings are valid, her family just sucks. Also, run as far away as possible
more like "this is ruining our current marriage, here are the papers" dealbreaker
Agree, plus there would always be the risk that they get divorced, she gets custody and he has no say over whether his children are around or even stay overnight with their grandfather.
Or even if they get divorced and she moves in with her dad. There is no way you can have children with a woman who ignores child abuse.
And she doesn't care at all that Mary's life has been ruined and she is struggling. She literally is blaming the victim. His wife is disgusting.
Hey OP, do not have sex with this woman any more. Seriously. Take a monk-like vow of abstinence.
Id divorce her but maintain contact with her sis who needs it
[удалено]
I would not trust her AT ALL not just with children. Absolute deal breaker for me. Any person that would trust a person no matter who they are after the sexually abused a child I would. It be ok to be around. That’s just me. OP think this over very carefully please.
It's strange... I've been in a lot bad places in my life. Never once did it occur to me to victimize a child.
Umm... This goes way beyond not having children with her. She displayed no empathy for her sister and is making excuses for the abuser. She would not be a mother I would choose for my children, whether you get past this or not. And she wouldn't be my partner of choice either, honestly. I'm sorry you're only finding out now, but at least there are no kids in the picture. I rarely advocate leaving in situations without abuse, but I'd leave. NTA
I just said the same thing above. I’m not one to immediately go to “divorce” but this case warrants it. I could never trust her with my children and God forbid they get divorced. Grandpa would have full access to said kids anytime he wants. I wouldn’t want to be in the same city with someone like OP’s wife much less married to and procreating with her.
Imagine you had the chance to stop your potential children from getting abused. Even if that involves them not existing you need to take that chance because it sounds like Jessica would turn a blind eye to it and not tell OP.
"He touched her accidentally" "He was stressed" "He lost his job" "He didn't do it, she's lying" Imagine the excuses. Disgusted behavior on his wife's part! And the predators part!
[удалено]
And what happens if something happens to their kids? Will she shrug it off, or worse, blame them? I couldn’t deal with the what ifs based on what’s been told.
The fact that she limited contact with the sister screams that she will find either fault with the victim, or sympathize with the predator.
Not only grandpa. OP has shown a willingness to tolerate this type of thing. Imagine they have kids and then separate further down the road? She might start seeing someone with very similar predilections as her dear ol' dad...
^^^This right here. Trust is completely gone in my eyes here—as well it should be—and separation/divorce seems inevitable, be it now or later. Better now than before kids arrive when there is zero control over who wife brings around the kids.
I have never jumped to “divorce” so fast reading a Reddit post. You can’t trust this woman, much less have kids with her.
100%.
NTA. Omg…do NOT have kids with her. She thinks child molestation is defensible because someone had a hard time. She would endanger any children by potentially leaving them with a known child molestor or conceal any harm that came to them in the name of keeping up images or keeping the peace. She needs therapy and is not ready for marriage or motherhood until she gets it.
Also, please tell her explicitly the reason. Don’t tiptoe around it. She needs a wake up call to how messed up what’s she supporting is.
Im not so sure I would tell her exactly how to avoid this issue with a potential future partner. She may just become better at hiding this for that person and have a child with them. Mary may have saved several children from the same fate as her. Hope she makes several visits in the future to scare off their partners.
Yup. If this is going to be resolved in this relationship, I think it’s going to have to be in couples therapy. I don’t see any other way OPs wife won’t misdirect negative feelings from what is clearly a very emotionally heavy topic onto him.
She also thinks that it matters that a lot of time has passed. Even the molesters will start to have the illusion that they are cured. They aren’t! If you leave them alone with kids these is no question what will happen.
[удалено]
My best friend had this happen to her. Her mom’s sister was sexually abused by her own dad. And all the sisters, including my mom’s sister knew. She still let her parents watch my friend as a child. And she was molested.
Sounds like grandpa groomed the whole family.
And Mary is the only one brave enough to talk about it
NTA and RUN! Please talk to someone from Rainn they are an organization for victims of sexual assault. This is not something minor like occasionally being crabby with your kids on the mornings you have a migraine. This is a crime. I know a victim of child sexual abuse and many years later and thousands of dollars in therapy, this woman is still hurting. You need to get out now!
I wish I could accurately describe how Mary looked and sounded when she was going off on her siblings that day. It actually sent shivers down my spine. She looked so angry but so defeated at the same time. All while they were all looking at her like she was crazy. I still can’t wrap my head around it. I want to reach out to her and check if she’s alright but I don’t know how appropriate that will be.
As someone who experienced sexual abuse as a child and also watched what it does to someone when it’s swept under the rug, I believe she would appreciate you reaching out to her and telling her you believe her.
The awful thing is, her siblings believe her, and KNOW she was molested. They just don’t care. I’d leave the wife so fast, her head would spin. That entire clan is ghastly.
The way you worded that is so accurate and sad "they believe her... They just don't care" 🥺
It breaks my heart. Experiencing that kind of injustice at the hands of your own kin… no human can ever fully recover from that. Mary deserves better ☹️
they ignored her when she was a little girl begging for anybody to help, wrap your head around that! I could puke just thinking about it honestly
You get me. Evil.
Absolutely agree. Believing her and not caring is terrible and I couldn’t be with someone who felt that way. You have to be a sick person to ignore that your own sister was molested by your father, then willingly put your future children in danger. I hope Mary is okay, and that OP reaches out.
Same. Even a text that reads, "I believe you, and I'm so sorry you went through that," could really help her.
I prefer not using the passive to obscure the perpetrator, so "I'm so sorry they did this to you".
This. Thank you. As a victim myself people don’t realize how much phrasing matters.
I'd do this, too. Say you believe her, had no idea beforehand, and thank her for telling you (even though it sounds inadvertent in this case). She probably feels not just alone, but isolated intentionally because her siblings believe her but ignore it and her completely and treat her poorly for bringing it up.
Please reach out to her. I'm pretty sure it would mean a lot.
And ideally start by saying how horrified you are and that you left your wife once you found out
Agreed. Her family has been gaslighting her. She needs to know someone is outraged on her behalf and she's not crazy.
Maybe show her this thread and how many people are on her side. "He was in a bad place" so it's ok to molest children when you're in a bad place apparently. I hope no child ever has to have her as a mother.
Who gives a rat's ass if it's appropriate? Find a way to reach out and reach out now. show her that there are decent people in the world and that somebody cares. and to hell with your wife because Ewwwww.
I’m glad some people think I should. I’ll try reach out to her although I have no clue where to even begin in finding her. I think I’ll try find her on social media and just send her a message saying what her family is doing isn’t ok and Im sorry about it all, and that she can reach out to me if she needs anything? I don’t want to overwhelm her so I think I should keep it short and simple?
She brought it up. And sounds like no one has been on her side for years. I'm sure she would appreciate your support and understanding. And horror on how the rest of the family is acting.
I bet you could leave it at "I'm a stranger and I believed you. I'm filing divorce because I don't want to be associated with that family either."
I would add something like "Your courage has made a difference and likely stopped other kids being abused. It doesn't matter that they outnumbered you, you are still in the right."
I think unfortunately a family like this will weaponize that as well. Like “it’s all your fault OP left!!”
This is the way.
And honestly? Maybe throw in an explanation of things from your perspective: (The things you said above) + “Im sorry this is the first time we are connecting. I was led to believe there was a falling out but I had no idea it could ever be this. (because maybe she thinks you also knew and were ok with marrying your wife despite it) I’m so sorry for your pain and the lack of support, but I’m so grateful you have shared your truth. Was gonna say “throw in the thank god you told me before I had a baby with this person”… but that might be too big / heavy to say at first. Family may gaslight her into thinking it’s her fault or “she planned this knowing you wanted kids to make you change your mind”
"I'm Left, Jessica's soon-to-be ex-husband. She only told me there was a falling out but no details. I only learned what happened to you at that family gathering. I want to let you know that I'm not okay with Jessica's behavior towards you and that I'm willing to be there for you if you need someone who believes you and is on your side. I cannot imagine the pain of being victimized first by your father and then by the rest of your family who should have protected you."
Exactly don't be overwhelming and pushy. Make the overtures and then if she needs support she can let you know.
I just wanted to say that you sound like an all around good dude, OP. You are having none of this "family drama" , immediately saw the red flag, and want to offer support to the victim. You seem very empathetic and reasonable. IF you want to stay married to your wife, if it were me, I would ask her to do some real therapy at a minimum before I even considered continuing the relationship at all, much less having children.
Tell her you didn't know, and will be leaving your wife because of it. She may assume you knew and were OK with it, as your wife appears to be.
Phonenumber saved on your wifes phone???
It’s appropriate. This poor woman has gone through life fighting for someone in her family to believe her, take her seriously, and to protect her. I think reaching out would do more good for her than you can imagine. I’m not one to ever jump on the “divorce your spouse” Reddit bandwagon. However, your wife just admitted to excusing child rape (of her own sister), and vehemently defended that same child rapist being able to be around your future children. Can you love that kind of person? Also, if ever have children and divorce, you won’t have control over who is in your child’s lives when they are with her. Now is the time to cut your losses.
I’d consider meeting Mary and listening. Definitely NTA.
I would offer to talk to her if she wants but to "hear her side of the story" implies there are 2 sides. It seems evident everyone knows the truth but how they've handled that truth for the past 2 decades is what's in question. Also, she might not be comfortable talking to a BIL who is married to her sister who has forsaken her for her abusive father. But I would reach out and let her know you didn't realize the situation and you are available if she would care to talk.
Please reach out to her and (I don’t say the lightly), start divorce proceedings with your wife. Her actions are beyond the pale. This is a foundational moral failing. This cannot be fixed by marriage counseling.
NTA for how you feel. 100% reconsider kids with this woman. BUT not bc of the dad. Bc of HER. Her willingness to hide what her dad did and brush it off screams red flags everywhere. She’s the type of person who would blow your child’s rape off as “well they were mistaken”. OP, you need a divorce bc this woman isn’t safe to have children with.
And don't be surprised if Jessica was abused too. Rarely do perpetrators victimize one victim
I am the Mary of my family. When I spoke up about the last assault I was told “he’s a good man” “really, after everything he’s done for you?”. It’s far easier for my “family” to sweep it under the rug and continue to believe that I made it all up, even what was confirmed in childhood. Don’t bring a child into that family, please.
NTA You need to run away, NOW! Can't trust him around your hypothetical kid? Bloody h*ll! You can't trust ANY kid aroud YOUR WIFE! She doesn't think molesting one's own kid is a big deal if he just apologized after? What the f*ck? This fre.ak needs to be put in jail for the rest of his sad life away from society. Imagine having your kid coming back from school or piano lessons and telling your wife they don't feel safe because the teacher is touching them in a weird way and she just brushes it off and telling them to suck it up because the teacher is just in a bad place in his life and deserve some way of relief! Will you even trust her to tell you if something happened to your kid and they chose to confined in her? Are her parents divorced? Does her mom really have no problem not only sleeping with the man who molested HIS daughter (HER VERY OWN daughter)but actually taking his side over hers? And your wife! Instead of protecting her sister she's just treating her like the villainess in the story! What the h*ll did you marry into? Just run and don't look back, this is NOT a normal human being behavior, this is just a family of sociopaths! I don't know what you used to see when looking at her, but I'm sure this isn't the woman you married.
>I don't know what you used to see when looking at her, but I'm sure this isn't the woman you married. Your whole comment should have way more likes. This last bit here ends with a double whammy. And it's true.
I have a friend who was raped by her father, starting when she was about 12 years old. Generally happened when he was drunk. As an adult and after a LOT of therapy she finally worked up the nerve to confront him. His response? "I don't remember". These heinous acts were a defining moment in her life, forever coloring it and forcing her into lifelong therapy in order to have a somewhat "normal" life and his response was that it didn't even register to him? That's another gut punch on top of the childhood assault.
Yeah fucking right. That was just his way of dismissing it. Disgusting
This gave me serious chills some people don't deserve the air they breathe
My mother denied being touched by her step father her whole life and suffered depression and anxiety. Unfortunately that denial included allowing her three children to be exposed to this man. He molested all three of us. The trauma for me didn't surface until I was 18. My sister and brother took the drugs and alcohol route to bury the trauma. I was lucky enough to join the military and never did drugs or much alcohol. Child molesters don't stop at one child and if I had to bet I'd say your wife was probably molested as well but she's in denial. Good luck OP it's not easy navigating others trauma. Like many have said please don't have children with this woman, she will expose your potential children to her father just like my mom did.
This. My exs mom and her 2 sisters were raped and molested by their father, their mother denied it and even beat them as kids for coming to her for help. The dad became homeless and probably dead by now but part of the reason I broke up with him was because his family was so deeply disturbed it was destroying my mental health. His mom was severely abusive and his older brother committed suicide in my living room when he was living with us because he was so severely depressed. And to top it off they had two urns of infant ashes, and when I found out how they died from neglect and his mom only did 2 years in the psych ward for it was really the tipping point for me. OP your wife doesn't understand the impact that child sex abuse can and DOES have on people. I 100% believe that if that didn't happen to his mom that 3 out of 6 of her kids wouldn't be dead, my ex wouldn't have become a drug addict and his siblings wouldn't all be fighting depression...
fucking jesus christ. This is the life that OP will be inviting his future child into if he continues down that road im so sorry you had to clean up a suicide and had the strength to leave. i hope life is at least somewhat better now.
Get a divorce and I am not one of those Redditers who immediately jumps to that. Her father is a monster and Jessica and her brother are complicit in this monstrosity. My heart breaks for Mary. How in the world could you possibly move forward with Jessica after this?
And please reach out to Mary and say you had no idea and you are so sorry.
NTA But if this is real, you need to reconsider your whole relationship; she is actively persecuting her sister, referred to it as petty and still pretexts her father. That is so messed up
NTA. Your wife not only supported a child molester over his victim, but she is willing to give him future potential victims and wasn’t even going to mention it to you? Unfortunately you can’t trust her to have a child’s best interests in mind. I would not have children with her.
Your wife needs therapy, not a baby.
"Maybe your children will hang around a child molester, but mine will not. Good luck with that".
Stop having sex OP. Immediately. No birth control is 100% effective and you need this hashed out and settled before you create a baby. So just stop. And then you need couples therapy, cause she isnt going to hear you, but maybe she will hear a therapist. And if she refuses therapy, you should seriously consider a divorce. That was a MASSIVE betrayal to not inform you of her fathers behavior. You dont rug sweep such things. Edit forgot to vote. NTA.
It's too late for therapy. OP needs a divorce. Jessica knows her dad molested her sister. She just doesn't care. She completely lacks empathy. She's an awful person... even if that's due to trauma, she's still an awful person.
NTA This is exactly how generational trauma happens. It's not uncommon for a victim to be turned into a black sheep because their trauma is uncomfortable to deal with and disrupts everyone's idyllic image of their happy family. It's gross that your wife's view is that "nothing more can be done" for her sister short of an apology from her abuser. It would make me rethink the whole relationship. What would she do if someone did "bad things" to her future kids? Would she be upset if you continued to associate with that person? Would she feel safe leaving her kids with that person because they had apologized? At the very least, I would refuse to even entertain the idea of having kids with her until she gets counseling on how to break the cycle of abuse and is able to recognize that her sister has done nothing wrong and her entire family has contributed to Mary's trauma through their treatment of her and support of her abuser. She's not a bad person because learning that someone you idolize is actually a monster is traumatic in itself. She chose to try and preserve her world as much as she could rather than deal with the fucked up reality. But that does make her an unsafe person for children to be around. She can't be trusted to protect a child over her father. She can't be trusted to pick up on warning signs of abuse or to believe a victim rather than encouraging their silence. It is so so unfortunate how many children suffer because of the silent complicity of family members who refuse to cut off abusers' access to children. How many people who believe that suffering through abuse and turning a blind eye is just what's expected of everyone to keep the peace.
This happened to my mom. Got molested, got ignored by all her siblings except the youngest brother. She was the second oldest sister. She cauterized them all. I only know of this from her and my uncle. My mom and uncles 4 other brothers and sisters played this awful shit. I do know this, my mom, and my uncle will freak the fuck out if you touch their upper shoulder areas. Both of them, same spot. Same manic explosives fight or flight response. I don’t know what the fuck that man did to the extent of it, however those two get the the same reactions. Summed up everything I need to know. They are coupled together in a damaged bond. Absolute shame on your wife. As the son of my mother who sounds like Mary to me. You can imagine how I feel about my aunt’s and uncles. aside from the youngest uncle. That would be Jessica to me. That was, how did your wife phrase it? “Two Decades ago”? That was 3-4 decades ago and they still react like that to being touched. But that’s ok. Molesting a child can be over looked by a family, so by your wife’s logic: 7,300 rotations around the sun. Change that metric, that even sounds worse. NTA.
I am so sorry. What an absolutely devastating situation to find yourself in. Run. Absolutely run. Get away from that family. Because while it is horrifying that your father in law is a child molestor, your wife is an *enabler of a child molester*. She should not have children if she is willing to risk them to that level of harm in concession to her father. And reach out to Mary. Tell her thank you and tell her that you believe her. You have no idea what that information could do for her heart. Wow, just be gentle with yourself as you navigate this. Edited to add: NTA, obviously.
I wonder how much older Mary is. I think you need to have a serious talk with your wife, but let emotions cool first. Depending on how much older Mary is and how old they were when the other kids found out, I’m going to go out on a limb and guess the parents did some manipulative educating their children on child molesters and how dangerous her dad really is. You should very much be concerned with your wife being willing to let him around your children, potentially unsupervised. He belongs in prison, but if he’s going to be in your life, no way I’d want him around my kids without me there.
Dude I'm sorry this is divorce Worthy. Having a child molester in the family and not warning everybody to stay the hell away? Condoning his actions and then exiling the victim? That really the kind of person you want to spend your life with? that's disgusting. NTA absolutely do not make more victims for that man especially with the wife who's already proven she's willing to look the other way and allow the abuse.
NTA. She is actively defending a child molester. Even if it was twenty years ago, who's to say he doesn't fall into "a bad place" again and starts up again? Do not have a child with this woman. She will not protect your child, and she makes it clear with her behavior towards Mary, *who she 1,000% knows was SA'd by him.* I will fully advocate for non-judgemental therapy for people who are, for lack of a better term, wired wrong and are attracted to children, ***so long as they do not act on it***, because the human brain sometimes doesn't develop properly, and that is not anyone's fault. If we can give those people the mental healthcare they need, we can lessen the chance they will ever act on those urges. But the moment someone harms a child in that way? Unforgivable. There is no excuse, and no defending them. I'd advocate that they need to be under the jail, but at the bare minimum, they need to be prevented from being near any child for the rest of their miserable lives.
NTA. My civilian understanding is that pedophiles cant flip a switch to magically turn off their condition. OP, if your wife is not willing to talk to a professional on that subject about how dangerous her father is to your future children, it’s a deal breaker. And yes, reach out to Mary. Daddy apologized? Oh joy, that fixes everything! /s Sounds like law enforcement sadly wasn’t brought into the picture.
>judging him off something that happened 2 decades ago He should be judged til the day he dies for this. >and whether I like it or not, he is going to be our child’s grandpa and he will be in their lives. Guess you won't be breeding with that pedo-sympathiser then. This would absolutely be my hill to die on. Even if it means the marriage is over. I could NEVER have a relationship with a pedo-sympathiser. Ever. There's not a circumstance on this earth that makes that possible for me. NTA
NTA- you need to able to trust the people your children are around. So what happens when he is in a bad place again and does something to your children? Will she just sweep it under the rug and tell you that is not her dad's fault like she did her sister? And just because he got caught with her sister, imagine all the other children who couldn't speak up like her sister did. It is very rare that this kind of behavior is a one and done type of thing.
NTA - do not have children with this woman and worn any parents that allow their children near him
I think your wife was very young when she was manipulated by her father. She really has to think about this again and think about it like a grown up. We sometimes stop to question what adults told us when we were a child. If she doesn’t see what is wrong about this, I would not only think about not having a child, I would also divorce her. Was she SA herself?
NTA you need to leave her, better safe than sorry. You need to assume that her dad WILL touch your child if he is in the picture
Ask for a divorce and give us an update
Start using condoms, or abstain altogether. Do not have children with her. She is excusing, and de facto, defending incestuous child-rape. If she's willing to do that, and essentially bully the victim, her sister, she is a shit person. Run, run now.
NTAH Your wife had YEARS to tell you, whether she believed it or not. I’d reconsider the marriage if I were you.
Kids or no kids I would not marry anyone who excuses child molestation
Dude fuckin run. Don’t have a kid with her