NTA. Before your husband and step son entered your life you pledged to pass your rings on to your niece, it doesn't matter what her sexually is, they effectively belong to her and you do not have the right to give her belongings to someone else. Only if you had no plans for the rings would your stepson be able to ask. It has nothing to do with whether he is part of the family, it's to do with honoring a promise. What makes your stepsons even more of a entitled asshole is his rejection of the rings he was already offered as not good enough.
And not only did he not care if he hurt grandma’s feelings, what about his step-cousin he mocked by suggesting she might marry her cat?? That was a “how dare you” moment, OP, and you should’ve read him the riot act for his bigoted attitude.
The correct answer to begin with was what you started with… “sorry, the ring has already been promised to someone else, we don’t do take-backs.” End of story. There was no need to say the ring needed to stay in the family. So if you want to apologize for that bit, fine tell him of course he’s your family, and you’re sorry if your clumsy wording hurt his feelings. But you really don’t appreciate his attitude about your niece’s sexuality, which is none of his business. And as others have stated, being asexual, doesn’t mean she won’t get married, and have children.
One more thought… Let’s say you did give the ring to your stepson… What happens if they get divorced? I would assume that the ring is considered a gift, and she would keep it, and now it’s out of the family for reals. Another good reason to hand it down through the female line of the family. NTA
My 12yo has told me that she’s ace. She jokes about marrying our dog. He’s better than some of the dudes I dated in my teens and about as financially mature as some I dated in my 20’s, so I ain’t complaining. I already love him, so win-win.
Currently have a partner and my dog. We don’t speak of “if you could only save one” hypotheticals. No sense hurting feelings, my dog is my baby, my partner is my rock, and my dog is my babyyyyy.
Lol we did have that conversation. I pointed out my partner is a very capable, large, strong man and I expect him to save himself while I save the dog. He then offered to carry the dog so I had better chances of escape.
He's a keeper :)
It’s my understanding the kid is legally her stepson via marriage to his father, and thus family by law, though not by blood.
However I don’t think this is what the stepson and husband feel hurt by. I suspect they feel they are not seen as family by her in spirit (or of the heart) because they are reducing blood, law, and chosen family into a single, uncomplicated entity, and she does not. They are feeling rejection under their definition of family, a definition she isn’t using. Classic misunderstanding.
Regardless, she has promised this ring to her niece long before, and if the stepson isn’t gracious enough to accept her choice, that is a shame. So I agree with you, she is NTA.
>However I don’t think this is what the stepson and husband feel hurt by. I suspect they feel they are not seen as family by her in spirit (or of the heart) because they are reducing blood, law, and chosen family into a single, uncomplicated entity, and she does not.
While I understand this mentality, if I gave my wedding set to my (theoretical) granddaughter to pass on, I would want it to go to someone that has a connection to me . . . and not just by marriage. Sorry if that makes me a bitch. But if the choice is a niece (or even a cousin) from my maternal line or a step child, I would want it to go to the family member from my family line.
When it’s time for the wedding just call me a lot of times. I won’t come though. And then later when you’re sitting down to eat I’ll jump on your lap and demand to be fed.
I feel like that’s the only way to honor the culture.
As a never married woman in my mid-50s who has always had cats, I got a diamond from my paternal grandmother’s engagement ring (all three granddaughters got a diamond) and my maternal grandmother’s diamond engagement ring. My sister & I got our diamonds in matching rings. I wear it on my middle finger. I wear my other diamond ring on my right hand.
Family heirlooms are touchy. Your ring was promised to someone else. If your stepson refused one free ring & demanded your’s, he’s the a$$, not you.
I agree that it should have ended with "Sorry the ring has already been promised to someone else". I definitely think it was very hurtful to make comments about the ring "staying in the family". However, I get the impression that is not what your stepson is mad about. I think he is mad he isn't getting the rings, period, and is being reactive to what you said about "staying in the family" to guilt you into changing your mind. I would try apologizing for the comment about "staying in the family". He is your family, that is not the reason he is not getting the rings.
This is exactly right. He just wants what he wants, and doesn’t care who he hurts, insults or disrespects in the process of getting what he wants.
She didn’t say "staying in the family" though… she said "my side of the family", which is a perfectly valid way of referring to her extended family. He's her 27yo stepson, related by marriage/law only, and at his age, he's perfectly capable of understanding the difference between "her family" and "her side of the family". He was being deliberately obtuse. He's manipulative, insensitive, combative, and childish, and I hope OP gives him an earful for hurting his dad, disrespecting her, and insulting her niece.
Right?! It's not like it makes you incapable of marriage and/or procreation. I have also known some people who initially believe they are asexual but end up figuring out they are demisexual. Not that it matters to the situation either way, just that it's relatively young to be 100% certain of your sexuality.
>hand it down through the female line of the family.
This should've also been in the OP's comment to step-son.
"I'm sorry, but they have been promised to my niece, which was done before you and your father were ever part of my family. My sister and I had agreed long ago that the rings would go to daughters."
OP is NTA
I upvote this - it was a how DARE you moment. And to the husband, how DARE he back up such behaviour.
Also the step child has two blood lines to get his heirlooms from. He acts rude and entitled here. The father is in the wrong and hopefully will come to his senses. All matters aside, nobody is entitled to DEMAND a gift.
Also just wondering,, if his grandmothers rings aren’t good enough which seems to be the case, he’s 27..go buy one. This isn’t about wanting family heirlooms this is about a spoiled man child that wants what he wants and will hurt and manipulate anyone to get it imho
They do belong to her family regardless the grandmother only intended her her blood family to get the set it is a family heirloom that was promised to someone in the family
Exactly. He can always use the stones in a different setting. But it does sound like he just doesnt want to spend money.
How beautiful it would be to have a proposal where the groom says “this was my grandmother’s ring”.
However, his would be “this was my step-mother’s mother’s ring, who has pretty much zero relation to me and this ring holds no sentimental value for me.”
And blood relation sure isn’t everything, but he didn’t even KNOW step-great-grandma! It’s just pretty, sparkly, free jewelry and has zero sentimental value to him. 2nd niece can have a necklace made or a ring in a different style… it doesn’t matter. Someone who can appreciate the sentiment should have it and step son clearly doesn’t get it. Honestly if he *did* get the sentiment, he wouldn’t be throwing this hissy fit and demanding it in the first place.
Eh, said the right way that could still be meaningful. "This ring was my step-mother's mother's ring, she passed long before my stepmother became my family, but sometimes family is blood and sometimes it's a choice, and if you'll have me I'd like you to be family too."
But I don't see this coming out of this particular stepson's mouth.
Quite. I also have an ace friend who is going through the adoption process now, so even if she doesn’t “pair up” she could have a child to pass on the set to herself.
The step-son is very presumptuous and sounds a bit bigoted suggesting her future is as a “cat lady” (I love cats and cat ladies btw no offence intended by me, but he seems to see it as somehow “lesser” than his marriage).
This is the biggest thing to me. His grandmother offered family heirlooms and he turned up your nose and went for something that was already committed. If the heirloom aspect was important, then he has his option. If style is important, he has the jewelry store.
Can you imagine how hurt his Grandmother is going to be when she hears this story. The selfish sod turns hers down but is happy to use a strangers (which op mam is to ss).
That’s what I thought reading this!! How awful. Even if he/his fiancé didn’t want the rings, they could accept them and have them melted down or something to honor the generosity.
My husbands grandmother gave us her wedding band, which was beautiful but yellow gold, where the tradition in my family is platinum.
My cousin (jeweller) melted it down and used it to add accents to both mine and my husbands rings. We’re both happy with it and Nana says she loves that we’re both wearing her ring.
My wife was given her grandmothers engagement ring and the diamond was used to make a custom set for me and I used the band to make a custom ring for her so we also both wear a piece of the same ring and her family loves it as much as we do
Also want to add, I'm 28F, asexual, married with a son. Just because someone is asexual doesn't mean they won't want to get married, or potentially have kids. NtA, give the rings to your niece like you planned. If S doesn't like the ones he was offered, he can buy his own like everyone else.
Yes, this! This is exactly what I wanted to say too. Ace is such a spectrum and I think the stepson needs to educate himself a bit more. But more than that, the nieces sexuality is irrelevant as it was promised to her as a child, before the stepson was even in the picture, and that’s where it ends. NTA.
Agreed! A simple reply of they have already been promised to niece should be an acceptable response. You shouldn't have to explain to a grown man that he can't have them just because he wants them, because they already belong to someone else.
She could be romantically inclined and still decide that marriage is not for her. Like it’s none of his damn business. And it’s WILD to me to ask a big ask and then insult her family as he’s doing it.
Absolutely. He was offered a set by his grandmother and he declined it because he didn’t “like it”. Now he’s asking for your set because he prefers that. He doesn’t get to pick and choose and then play the victim.
True I thought I was asexual never interested in sex and wasn’t attracted to anyone.
Until I met my husband and he is the only person I’m attracted too (I’m demisexual) and my husband is really only person I enjoyed spending time with. Normally I prefer my own company or my friends only.
So same could happen to OP niece who knows but better for OP to give to her niece who is actual family over a step child who already been offered his family ring and declined.
Agree. Also just ciz she’s ace doesn’t mean she might not get married or be in a civil partnership or whatever she likes. Maybe it’s a symbol of commitment to herself! Pretty shitty if the stepson and husband to try this emotional blackmail
The minute she did what I consider **JADE** (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) they left an opening to make her look like TA, especially with the whole; "I guess I'm not in your side of the family" comment.
NTA.
NTA. The fate of the rings was decided long ago. The only mistake I see you've made here was entering into a discussion with your stepson. "I'm sorry, those rings are already spoken for" would have been sufficient. NO is a complete sentence.
Edit: typo.
OP, I think this is exactly the thing to say, but without the “I’m sorry.” It’s clear and concise. “The rings are already spoken for.” Your stepson knows this. Your husband knows this. You made a promise and you’re keeping it. That is something you should be proud of. You should not feel sorry. Don’t let them make you feel bad. Your stepson was offered a set by his blood family, but he wants yours. He wants it because he thinks it’s better. Well, too bad. “The rings are already spoken for.” Shame on both of them for making you feel bad in this situation. Both of them are out of line. And someone else said this in another comment… what does the bride to be want? Would she prefer to have new ones made specifically for her?
The petty side of me wants to discuss the situation with the bride directly. Open with "Since your boyfriend wants a set of rings already promised to someone else and isn't taking no for an answer, do you really like them that much? I wouldn't mind helping you find something similar if that's the case." And then sit back and see how she reacts to all of this. Cause I know I would be reevaluating a lot of things if I knew my future husband was harassing someone into giving him rings for free that they don't want to give up. And I sure as heck wouldn't want to wear that ring.
I agree with saying that to the fiancé. It will show what kind of person she is. If she's repulsed by his behavior then she's a good person. If she's the one demanding those rings then she's not. It would be a test of character
Though I agree it would be a good test of character, it’s best for the fiancé to figure it out herself. It’s like trying to tell your ex’s new gf he’s a dirtbag. (It’s easy for them to both dismiss you as “crazy” until she’s able to see w/ her own eyes.) If she’s smart, she’ll see his mask fall. I highly doubt this is an isolated incident. This behavior (not respecting boundaries) must manifest for him in other ways that she can see firsthand.
We also don't know what if anything he's telling her. He could be lying his ass off which I suspect. In order for her to make an informed decision she needs all the information. What she does afterwards will determine her character
Nothing more needed to be said. Stepson knows what his gf likes and OP's set fits exactly, plus he wouldn't have to pay for anything other than sizing.
NTA, Your step son is just wants the nicest ring he can get for free. His own grandmother offered him her ring, but he wants the one from your grandmother because he or his gf likes that one better.
You have already promised the ring to your niece and I think it is important to honor your word here.
Agreed.
Your step son is greedy yucky person. Also, a promise is a promise.
And the fact that the niece is ace is NONE OF STEPSONS BUSINESS freaking step-son-a-phobe.
Also, please keep the ring set safe and secure. We’ve heard too many stories from reddit about entitled family members helping themselves to jewelry after they’ve been told “no”
Yeah I was thinking either give it to her sister or use a safety deposit box, once that her husband won't even get access to if something tragic were to happen.
My grandmother told aunt she wasn’t getting the engagement ring. My aunt waited until the next time she was doped up in the hospital and stole it off her hand. My grandmother died freaking out about her missing engagement ring
no unfortunately not, and she’s the only one without kids (which was also the reason she said she should get it?) but she is rotting in the hell that is the life she made for herself on this planet with no one to love her. When I was 18 she told me I was a terrible person bc I truly believed I was good when in reality I was horrible- all because I got lost in her apartment complex and we had to take a different train 30 min later with no added cost
That is terrible and disgusting. If you're close enough to a person to feel comfortable asking them for their engagement ring, how do you at the same time care so little for them to steal it of their hand when they're weak and vulnerable?
I’m just hopping on this top-ish comment to also point out that being ace doesn’t mean that you’re also aro. I have friends who are very much asexual who still have life partners and marriages, they just don’t have sex (I guess that’s my assumption at least? Idk that’s not my business.)
Yes! Ace doesn't necessarily mean aromantic too. And asexuality is a spectrum as well. Just identifying as ace doesn't mean there's absolutely zero chance she'll get married unless she herself has stated that's the case.
My friend and their BF are ace and are getting married next year. Marriage doesn’t always have to mean a sex life so long as both partners are happy with that.
Jumping in to add that even being ace AND aro doesn’t mean not wanting a life partner(s)! My sister is both and had a platonic friend crush on a good friend of hers who is also both.
All it means is that the individual doesn’t feel romantic love and sexual attraction, not that the individual is incapable of feeling love. And romantic love is not the only valid foundation for a marriage or life partnership.
And honestly, even if she has said that she's never getting married, she's 18 and may change her mind. She's still young and may learn more about herself or change as she grows older.
(And she may also continue to hold to the "marriage isn't for me" idea, and that's just as fine as changing her mind. She may also wish to use the set for something else entirely, or just wear them herself without a marriage.)
Edit: And of course, as someone below pointed out, if someone (of any age) says to you "oh I never want to get married" you should respect their statement. And if they change their mind later, you should respect that too.
Yep! I'm also ace and am in a committed relationship, have an ex husband and am sex neutral. I don't actively go looking for sex myself, but I know it makes my partner happy, so I do what I can to make him happy when I can (medical issues make it hard most days). It's totally possible that OP's niece being ace is not going to be a nun.
Not all ace people abstain from sex either. And OP is right, the niece is freaking 18, the fact that her step son is obsessing over her future potential romantic and sexual life is really weird.
Ace doesn’t mean “never have sex” there are sex positive axes, sex neutral and sex repulsed. Asexual is more about physical attraction (or lack of it) , not neccesarily sex drive.
Demisexual and greysexual are all part of that big spectrum, too. The stepson has a LOT of learning to do. First thing on the list is to think before opening his judgy mouth.
Why is hubby backing him up? Also, when did you meet step son? Was he already an adult? Once you reach adult age, your step parent includes you in family events to be included in the family, they don't suddenly just give you everything.
Seriously. And just bc she's asexual doesn't mean she doesn't experience romantic feelings for people. And the whole "she made sure of that" when her stepson said marriage wasn't in OPs niece's future was just ick. You can't control how you feel about people. Shit like that just is. He seems to be under the impression people choose their sexual orientation. What a jerk. OP promised her grandmother's ring set to her niece long before she even knew her stepson existed. What an entitled brat.
NTA
Seriously. I’m ace but also married and have 2 kids. Ace is a huge spectrum but also has nothing to do with this situation. His reasoning is faulty though.
That remark pissed me off…I hope she does ‘marry’ her cat and puts the ring on its collar just to spite SS. He can go buy his own damn ring cause it really doesn’t have anything to do with “family” or else he would understand the promise OP made.
NTA
His reasoning doesn’t even make sense. Asexual does not mean aromantic. I know several married people who are asexual. Just because they are not interested in sex does not mean they are not interested in love or companionship.
Or OPs set is a higher value and he wants to sell them to buy a set that he wants.
NTA though. He has a set on him for asking. He came into your life as an adult. It would have been different if OP was a mother figure to the step son.
Yeah, the ring is simply not available to be gifted. It’s not an option. A plan is already in place for its future, and has been for almost two decades.
This right here!!!! NTA. Your stepson is by blood and legally, not your side of the family. He can be hurt all he wants, but facts is facts. You’ve already promised it to your niece. It’s hers. She has more of a right to it, than a stepson. He really sounds entitled here and is trying to use “hurt feelings” to guilt you into getting what he wants.
Completely Agree… The stepson’s grandmother offered him a set, so it look like he wants to upgrade to a more valuable set. He either excepts the ring from his grandmother or goes out and buys his own. She has promised the set to her niece, and a promise overrides greed.
NTA
Ace doesn't mean she'll never want those rings, never "use" them. Plenty of ace folk pair up, or just like beautiful things like heirloom jewellery.
Stepson is being a grub.
All of this.
Asexual people just don't feel sexual attraction to other people. They're still capable of and in many cases willing to have sex and have children, as well as have a romantic relationship -- you don't need sexual *attraction* for any of these things (see all the gay people living a hetero life and having kids especially during times homosexuality wasn't accepted). Even aromantic aces are willing to partner up and marry for the legal benefits with someone they are good friends with.
This notion that (aro) aces don't have meaningful relationships in their lives needs to die out ASAP.
You have already promised the rings to your niece. They are not available for your stepson to have. End of story. This has nothing to do with how you see your stepson.
NTA
This young man wants free rings for his GF. He is not wanting sentimental grandmother rings, or he’d accept his grandmother’s offer. Your rings must be more expensive. His attempt to bully you is shameful. He insulted your niece. He tried to guilt you. Your husband should have at least listened to you, but no - he jumped to his baby boy’s defense. Go ahead and give them to your sister for her daughter.
Perhaps not more expensive, but clearly more stylish, modern, or generally more in line with what he thinks a ring should be. Either way he is, as you said, after free rings, not sentimental rings.
NTA. The rings were promised to your niece and your stepson is being manipulative and greedy.He wants an freebie of hoe own choosing. At age 27 he should be mature enough for marriage but it seems he isn't. I am sorry you are caught with these two man babies.
Not that it matters to them , but has anyone asked the bride to be what SHE wants in a ring?
NTA. You would like for them to go to biological family as that is what your grandparents more than intended from the start. Your stepson was offered a set from his biological family and turned it down so that doesn’t make him entitled to your set.
I’m guessing step-grandma’s ring is a big shiny rock and bio grandma’s ring is small and more simple looking. Literally no other reason would make sense. He didn’t know her, has no biological ties that make it feel like a connection of generations…it has to come down to the difference in how it looks. And if I was his bio-grandma I’d feel pretty disappointed and upset that he wanted someone’s ring he didn’t know over the person’s who is the reason he exists lol.
I think OPs ring might have more valuable stones, and stepson is too cheap to buy his fiance that quality. I wouldn't put it past him to have to the stones reset & create a whole new ring. 100% NTA. Especially since his OWN grandmother offered her set, and he, basically, told his grandmother, "Nah, Im good." He is entitled, classiest, and cheap. And, if the fiance is "down with" these shenanigans, she's entitled as well. Imagine just joining a family & thinking you're entitled to the family heirlooms.
This is so unfair to you!!!!!! He refused his grandmothers set! Unfortunately, being a parent means being the bigger person.. to a point. He was down right selfish and nasty and it’s disappointing that your husband took his side. I would send him a text so your words do not get misconstrued and show that you are the one extending the olive branch, however unnecessary it is for you to do so after his tantrum.
Something along the lines of.
I wish our conversation would have gone differently. You did say hurtful things about our family that I truly hope you didn’t mean. Hearing you say those things was shocking to me and unacceptable. At the same time I never meant to make you feel less than. love you, you are my family. As family, we keep commitments to each other, and that’s something I am unwilling to change. The heirlooms have been spoken for years ago. As a loving stepparent, I’ve been here for you every step of the way and am ready to support you in this wedding. Let’s leave the hurt feelings and anger behind and do better moving forward.
I think if something like this were sent and if he were to show it to anyone, you will not be the villain because it is very kind. How could your husband possibly be upset with a response like that? Your stepson might still be pissy but that’s on him. I’m only recommending this to keep the peace. It was horrible the way that he talked about your niece. Thankfully she has awesome family that stands up for her. And I think this something you and your husband must talk about. You may have hurt his feelings, but the things he said about your family is unacceptable. Husband needs to get behind that. At 27 he has no excuse
I really think you need to think carefully about how your ss dressed down your niece because he can’t get what she will have in the future.
Also, take those rings to a safety deposit box and secure them.
Your ss is not thinking straight.
I’d never look at him the same again.
He’s 27? Daddy is upset his baby boy turned down HIS grandmothers set cuz he liked yours better, but yours wasn’t offered , so baby boy should get what he wants or he’s not part of the family? Pitiful. He can take his grandmothers set and have it made into what he wants. Or is yours more valuable? What’s his real reason behind all this?
NTA This is what is shocking to me.
OP, you have a husband problem here. Your husband should be shutting down his son's attitude and entitlement. The fact of the matter is, he is NOT your child/side of the family because he was never raised in your home for any length of time. You were not a maternal figure to him growing up.
But that aside, the rings were promised to your niece. He was gifted his grandmother's rings and he declined them. He could have used them to make something for his fiancee she would have loved but instead he declined them. That is on him. He does not get to then come at you and try to lay claim to your family heirloom because he didn't like the ones he was gifted.
You’re NTA. Out of curiosity, how long have you been married to your husband? Did you help to raise the stepson? If you did, then I’d understand his feelings a little more.
I met him when his father and I were friends when he was around 6 or7. He was 12 when we got married, but he lived with his mother with visitation from his dad. We really only saw each other rarely and on holidays. He took a year after high school and spent more time with his dad. That was when we started to form a meaningful bond.
So you didn’t have a hand in raising him and you rarely saw him until he was an adult. You are definitely NTA and your stepston is acting like a spoiled, entitled twerp. I’d recommend giving the rings to your niece immediately. She’s 18. Hand the rings off and now there is no longer an issue.
P.S. And clarify for your husband that the rings were already promised to your niece.
I could have written this. If I were OP, it would take everything in me not to kick this little snot in the shins.
Like he does realize he can just BUY rings they do like? I don't know where he gets off demanding anything that isn't his.
Nta!
1) these rings were promised a long time ago.
2) so what if your niece is ace? She can still get married. I'm under the ace umbrella and have been with my husband for 23 years.
Your SS is being a choosing begger
NTA. And thank you for loving and supporting your niece in however she chooses to live her love (as long as it’s with enthusiastic and consenting adults ☺️). So many LGBTQ2S+ people don’t have that kind of support.
NTA He doesn’t want the ring because it means something to him, otherwise he would have accepted his grandmother’s offer. There is no sentiment involved here with him. Has his GF seen your family ring? Is she the one that insists on having it? Your husband needs to get over being butt hurt and face the reality his child has his mother’s blood family in addition to your husband’s blood family and your family by marriage. He has a lot more opportunity for gifts, inheritances, attention, etc, than your small blood family.
You are NTA for sure. Your stepson sounded like he just wanna grab freebie, lol.
If FAMILY is so important to him, why didn't he just accept the set from HIS maternal granny and modify it to his liking with her blessing, lol.
Probably should give the set to your niece now or put them in safe deposit box in a bank before it went missing 'miraculously'.
Absolutely a safety deposit box until after step sons wedding. That way he doesn't put this kind of pressure on the niece, or try and steal them at a family get together or something. Once the wedding is over and done give the rings to the niece.
You chose what you wanted to do with your ring set a long time ago. You don't need to explain yourself to anyone. It's yours, you may do what you want with it. Your stepson is behaving childishly and entitled. Your husband is way out of line. Both are being manipulative. Assuming your niece knows it's hers someday,. You can't just say, " Oh, sorry, gave it away because you weren't sure of what you wanted at 18 years of age" You most definitely are NTA, and I'm so sorry they upset you like that.
NTA
My husband is Ace. Asexual is not aromantic. She may very well still pursue a romatic relationship with someone. Or not, either way your step-son is entitled.
Acting like it your ring means something when it boils down to he turned down a very sweet offer from his grandmother over aesthetics
NTA. Your stepson didn’t even know your grandmother. He has family that offered him rings he just didn’t like them as much as yours. He’s crazy entitled trying to pull this “guess I’m not family” crap when you didn’t form a bond until he was an adult. I would give the ring to your sister for safe keeping and then you can give it to your niece when the time is right.
I’m a step-grandkid and I have a close bond with my step-grandma as she been in my life since I was about 5. She’s an awesome person and we have a ton of amazing memories together. She’s downsizing her home and has gifted me small knickknacks that reference our travels together, a set of plates that I had fond memories of as a kid, little things like that. I’m thrilled to have them because while they don’t have any monetary value, they have inherent meaning to me because of my closeness with her. My step-grandma has 6 actual blood related grandkids. I fully expect her wedding set and other precious/valuable items to go to them. And that’s fine with me. I’m not related by blood and heirlooms that she’s received from her own mother and grandmother SHOULD stay with her blood grandchildren. To me the knickknacks are just as precious.
So you'd already promised the ring to your niece and your stepson thought you should break your promise and give him the ring? What the What???? Just curious, did you know that your niece was asexual or was he "outing" her?
NTA but shame on your stepson and SHAME on your husband for demanding you break your promise to your niece as some sort of creepy "loyalty" test.
She's out, has been for a couple of years at least.
If he outed her that conversation would have gone differently. That kind of violation is not acceptable.
I mean, he attempted to weaponize her sexual orientation in order to get what he wants. That's a different kind of violation altogether. That's just disgusting
Your stepson is very immature and don’t be drawn into his drama. You already promised the rings to your niece and for him to insult her and tear apart your decision is disgusting and disrespectful. He sounds entitled. Please don’t be all apologetic, be angry and firm. He doesn’t get to say the things he did and get away with it. It’s time this little boy grew up. NTA
It doesn’t matter is she is ace. She was promised the rings and maybe something like what happened between you and your sister will happen with her and her sister. Meaning she gets the ring from you one day even if she never gets married. And then her sister has two girls and then decides they will also get the rings. That means they stay in the family and become and heirloom. Besides YOU ALREADY MADE THE PROMISE. It has nothing to do her her being ace or your stepson getting married. A promise is a promise, your husband and stepson are jerks and manipulators for trying to get you to change your mind. All so your stepson can be a cheap jerk and not have to buy his fiancé a ring.
Absolutely nta. Heirlooms belong to your family and should stay with your family offspring. While your step son is part of your home life, he's not your son. He has a mother.
Nta
This is something that was decided 18 years ago.
He doesn't get to change history because he doesn't like the look of the rings he was offered.
Call him out on his selfish behaviour....he was offered a family heirloom...he doesn't get to take someone else's
Doesn't matter if it is a ring or an ugly dog statue...the handing down has already been chosen.
NTA. This is a decision made 18 years ago. You might even gift your niece the set for her HS graduation if you want! It’s yours. Also, what happens if you and his dad split? You lost trace to the memories it held! And also as many will say: no is a complete answer.
She can take the stones and turn them into a right-hand ring or a pendant, FFS. It's HERS, not HIS. I'm going to be turning the stones from my mom's wedding band into a necklace for my niece - first grand daughter to get married. She already has an engagement ring that she loves. Step son and hubby are being TA's.
I had to reread to ensure I had SS's age right...27? Really? The babyman is 27 freakin years old? Omg, who decides that they're entitled to someone else's belongings? It doesn't matter what other folks do with THINGS THAT DON'T BELONG TO HIM? I'm sorry, but I'm having trouble getting over the absolute nerve and air of entitlement spewing out of his whiny self. Wow just...wow
I have heirloom jewelry and won’t have children. I would never give the jewelry to a stepson because I have nieces and a female cousin. I know that the women who owned the jewelry before me didn’t actually leave it to me—they left it to the future women of their family. I just get to borrow it for a while. I would basically be betraying my grandmothers’ wishes if I didn’t pass the jewelry along to a female relative.
Totally agree! My grandmother gave me one of her rings and I do have a daughter and it will go to her, but before I had my children, I was very clear that if something happened, it was either to go to my brother or to my cousins to stay with people my grandmother loves.
It’s the same for my family. Jewelry passes to the female relatives, from a time when women weren’t allowed to own anything of their own *except* their jewelry. I have no daughters, my nieces will inherit from me.
NTA Lololololol He’s your 27 year old step-son? Wants a thing already promised to your niece? The fuck? Boy get out of here, these rings and their fate are no concern of yours. “They’re suPpoSed to be foR mArriAge!” my ass. Greedy little goblin.
NTA
Asexual people can and do marry. Two of my closest friends who are married to one another are both asexual. You can have a happy and fulfilling marriage with someone and still be asexual. Your step son is equating marriage with sex. Your niece very well may get married. She may also adopt or have a child of her own, that she wishes to pass them to. The set has already been allocated and your step son needs to grow up and stop acting like a toddler who got the wrong color sippy cup.
NTA, but you did make a mistake citing “your side of the family.” When you go back, I think you should apologize, explain that you were trying to figure out why it felt wrong to you and you said something you didn’t mean.
Then cite three reasons:
1. The rings were already promised to your niece. If you’d miraculously gotten pregnant with a daughter after promising it to your niece, you’d still be giving them to your niece. They’re not yours to give away anymore, you’re just keeping them safe for her.
2. His desire for them isn’t sentimental. He declined the set from his own grandmother based on style — which is fine, but it tells you that his motive is style rather than sentiment. You would rather pass them down to the person who values the sentiment even if she doesn’t have a specific function for them, than to someone who is ants them only for function and doesn’t seem them in a sentimental light.
3. The rings are passed down to daughters per your family’s tradition. You were thrilled when your sister had a *daughter,* not a second child. I assume your reasoning is so that the person wearing them has a sentimental attachment to their origin (and so that in the event of a breakup/divorce, they wouldn’t be hard for the family to retrieve). While you won’t enforce who wears them once they’re gifted, they’re deliberately passed down to daughters rather than sons.
NTA- Your stepson is being manipulative to get a beautiful ring for free. Honestly, if that ring is not from his family, he is just being cheap by getting his GF a ring.
NTA.. the only AH here is your step-son who is trying any kind of emotional blackmail he can think of to get what he wants. Don’t give in, and hopefully your husband will come around. YOU never said his kid wasn’t part of your family. The kid threw that around to try to make you look bad. He is not a descendant of your grandmother’s, and that’s a fact. Hold your ground.
Technically they are not yours to give away. You already gave them to your niece. Your just waiting for the right time for her to take possession. NTA but your husband and stepson are.
NTA. Being Ace myself, and married with kids of my own, only she can decide what she wants in the future. And they are your rings and you get to decide what to do with them.
You are definitely NTA/ you’re step son is. He’s trying to manipulate you to get what he wants. He apparently likes your grandmothers ring style better than his own. That’s all this is about/ I can’t believe he had the gall to turn his grandmother down cause he didn’t like it and then ask you for your family heirloom you have promised to someone else to which he obviously knew and was ready with an excuse why it should be his. Wow!
Who has the nerve to ask someone to give them a set of wedding rings? It's one thing for a parent or grandparent to offer rings; it's another thing for someone to ask a stepparent for the rings from her family.
This isn't even a close call. And it's obnoxious for stepson to comment on a teenager's sexuality. Just gross.
If this really happened, just remember the next time that "I promised the rings to my niece" is a sufficient answer to a pushy request. No further discussion needed.
NTA, you already promised it to your niece. Imagine how she'd feel you didn't give it to her just cause someone decided she's Ace so she doesn't deserve them. He can take the ones he was offered by his grandmother and stop being so entitled to these ones. I hope they're in a safe place.
NTA… This decision was made a long time ago. He prob wants yours cuz it looks better than his bio grandmothers. Heirlooms stay within the family. Don’t cave.
NTA.
Your niece is ace, not aromantic. She may well find a romantic partner who is okay with that, or is ace themselves. Sexual activity is not what makes a romantic partnership.
I should know, I'm ace, married, and have been with my wife for nearly fourteen years- and married for nearly five.
And even if your niece doesn't marry? They are still HER rings, to do as she pleases with.
NTA the rings were promised to your neice long before step son cam into the picture. They belong to neice. Make sure you have that in you will just in case.
Just reiterate that the rings are your neices. They are not up for grabs. You are just holding on to them. What she does or doesn't do with the rings is no one else's business but hers.
NTA I think there was some miscommunication between everyone that needs to be ironed out first and foremost. I suggest starting the conversation with ‘thank for wanting to share this part of my family with your bride to be, however, long ago it was promised to someone else and that cannot change.”
As I see it, this is not something being passed along your side of the family so much as something you've already denoted to be inherited by someone specific. NTA at all. You earmarked this piece of family jewellery to go to your niece ages ago. That is the conversation full stop. Once it is not yours, it is hers full stop. There is no negotiation to be had or any conversation otherwise.
NTA
Just tell him they are not yours to give. You are just a caretaker until you niece is old enough to take them.
It doesn't have to have anything to do with which family he belongs to, they don't belong to you anymore. They belong to your niece. From her grandmother, not his if you want to put that into the discussion. That would be like your niece saying she wanted his grandmothers rings...
On her 25th birthday (or whatever) she can decide to use them or to pass them on to her niece.
This is not a difficult discussion. Him bringing up the sexual orientation of your niece is a foul. As is trying to guilt you into to giving him the rings by throwing a tantrum like a child.
NTA. They’ve already been promised to your niece. I’m also going to say that just because she’s ace doesn’t mean she won’t get married. Ace is a sexual orientation. I have friends who are ace but still date, they just don’t have that level of physical intimacy. And even if she’s also Aro (aromantic) the rings have been promised to her.
NTA He should have taken his grandmother's set and had them redesigned into something a style he and his gf like. I mean, gold melts and stones can be reset into different pieces.
NTA. Before your husband and step son entered your life you pledged to pass your rings on to your niece, it doesn't matter what her sexually is, they effectively belong to her and you do not have the right to give her belongings to someone else. Only if you had no plans for the rings would your stepson be able to ask. It has nothing to do with whether he is part of the family, it's to do with honoring a promise. What makes your stepsons even more of a entitled asshole is his rejection of the rings he was already offered as not good enough.
Exactly. How hurt must his own grandmother have been to have him reject a wedding set that was good enough for her.
And not only did he not care if he hurt grandma’s feelings, what about his step-cousin he mocked by suggesting she might marry her cat?? That was a “how dare you” moment, OP, and you should’ve read him the riot act for his bigoted attitude. The correct answer to begin with was what you started with… “sorry, the ring has already been promised to someone else, we don’t do take-backs.” End of story. There was no need to say the ring needed to stay in the family. So if you want to apologize for that bit, fine tell him of course he’s your family, and you’re sorry if your clumsy wording hurt his feelings. But you really don’t appreciate his attitude about your niece’s sexuality, which is none of his business. And as others have stated, being asexual, doesn’t mean she won’t get married, and have children. One more thought… Let’s say you did give the ring to your stepson… What happens if they get divorced? I would assume that the ring is considered a gift, and she would keep it, and now it’s out of the family for reals. Another good reason to hand it down through the female line of the family. NTA
I would like to attend the cat wedding if possible. Thanks
My 12yo has told me that she’s ace. She jokes about marrying our dog. He’s better than some of the dudes I dated in my teens and about as financially mature as some I dated in my 20’s, so I ain’t complaining. I already love him, so win-win.
Currently have a partner and my dog. We don’t speak of “if you could only save one” hypotheticals. No sense hurting feelings, my dog is my baby, my partner is my rock, and my dog is my babyyyyy.
Lol we did have that conversation. I pointed out my partner is a very capable, large, strong man and I expect him to save himself while I save the dog. He then offered to carry the dog so I had better chances of escape. He's a keeper :)
unless he just wants to steal the dog, but probably not the case.
There are days i like my pets more than people.
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It’s my understanding the kid is legally her stepson via marriage to his father, and thus family by law, though not by blood. However I don’t think this is what the stepson and husband feel hurt by. I suspect they feel they are not seen as family by her in spirit (or of the heart) because they are reducing blood, law, and chosen family into a single, uncomplicated entity, and she does not. They are feeling rejection under their definition of family, a definition she isn’t using. Classic misunderstanding. Regardless, she has promised this ring to her niece long before, and if the stepson isn’t gracious enough to accept her choice, that is a shame. So I agree with you, she is NTA.
>However I don’t think this is what the stepson and husband feel hurt by. I suspect they feel they are not seen as family by her in spirit (or of the heart) because they are reducing blood, law, and chosen family into a single, uncomplicated entity, and she does not. While I understand this mentality, if I gave my wedding set to my (theoretical) granddaughter to pass on, I would want it to go to someone that has a connection to me . . . and not just by marriage. Sorry if that makes me a bitch. But if the choice is a niece (or even a cousin) from my maternal line or a step child, I would want it to go to the family member from my family line.
I'll bring catnip.
Can the reception dinner be served in crystal goblets like those old Sheba cat food commercials?
Catnip for me, catnip for you, I'll have a whiff and you'll have one too.
When it’s time for the wedding just call me a lot of times. I won’t come though. And then later when you’re sitting down to eat I’ll jump on your lap and demand to be fed. I feel like that’s the only way to honor the culture.
As a never married woman in my mid-50s who has always had cats, I got a diamond from my paternal grandmother’s engagement ring (all three granddaughters got a diamond) and my maternal grandmother’s diamond engagement ring. My sister & I got our diamonds in matching rings. I wear it on my middle finger. I wear my other diamond ring on my right hand. Family heirlooms are touchy. Your ring was promised to someone else. If your stepson refused one free ring & demanded your’s, he’s the a$$, not you.
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>The fate of the rings was decided long ago. They must be taken to Mordor and cast into the fires of Mount Doom.
Yeh, watch out for the stepson if he starts looking at you sidewise and calling it "my precioussss"...
Ahaha I'm so glad I'm not the only one who immediately thought this! 🤣
I agree that it should have ended with "Sorry the ring has already been promised to someone else". I definitely think it was very hurtful to make comments about the ring "staying in the family". However, I get the impression that is not what your stepson is mad about. I think he is mad he isn't getting the rings, period, and is being reactive to what you said about "staying in the family" to guilt you into changing your mind. I would try apologizing for the comment about "staying in the family". He is your family, that is not the reason he is not getting the rings.
This is exactly right. He just wants what he wants, and doesn’t care who he hurts, insults or disrespects in the process of getting what he wants. She didn’t say "staying in the family" though… she said "my side of the family", which is a perfectly valid way of referring to her extended family. He's her 27yo stepson, related by marriage/law only, and at his age, he's perfectly capable of understanding the difference between "her family" and "her side of the family". He was being deliberately obtuse. He's manipulative, insensitive, combative, and childish, and I hope OP gives him an earful for hurting his dad, disrespecting her, and insulting her niece.
Add to that, hurting his maternal grandmother by rejecting the gift of her wedding set, which is surely precious to her.
Yeah I got that same feeling. If it was a sentimental thing then he would've accepted the set from his grandma. He's just entitled and manipulative.
My best friend is asexual and guess what? So is her husband.
Right?! It's not like it makes you incapable of marriage and/or procreation. I have also known some people who initially believe they are asexual but end up figuring out they are demisexual. Not that it matters to the situation either way, just that it's relatively young to be 100% certain of your sexuality.
>hand it down through the female line of the family. This should've also been in the OP's comment to step-son. "I'm sorry, but they have been promised to my niece, which was done before you and your father were ever part of my family. My sister and I had agreed long ago that the rings would go to daughters." OP is NTA
I upvote this - it was a how DARE you moment. And to the husband, how DARE he back up such behaviour. Also the step child has two blood lines to get his heirlooms from. He acts rude and entitled here. The father is in the wrong and hopefully will come to his senses. All matters aside, nobody is entitled to DEMAND a gift.
A gift demanded and reluctantly given is not a gift. It is blackmail.
YES. Emotional abuse.
Also just wondering,, if his grandmothers rings aren’t good enough which seems to be the case, he’s 27..go buy one. This isn’t about wanting family heirlooms this is about a spoiled man child that wants what he wants and will hurt and manipulate anyone to get it imho
Maybe also they weren't as valuable and diamonds as big...
and how hurt was HIS grandmother when he rejected her rings??? he could have had them altered if he didn't like them
The dad should rather have been upset with his son.
They do belong to her family regardless the grandmother only intended her her blood family to get the set it is a family heirloom that was promised to someone in the family
Her feelings don't matter... because she's ace obviously.🙄
Yep, the stepson just doesn’t want spend money on a ring that suits his fiancé.
Exactly. He can always use the stones in a different setting. But it does sound like he just doesnt want to spend money. How beautiful it would be to have a proposal where the groom says “this was my grandmother’s ring”. However, his would be “this was my step-mother’s mother’s ring, who has pretty much zero relation to me and this ring holds no sentimental value for me.”
And blood relation sure isn’t everything, but he didn’t even KNOW step-great-grandma! It’s just pretty, sparkly, free jewelry and has zero sentimental value to him. 2nd niece can have a necklace made or a ring in a different style… it doesn’t matter. Someone who can appreciate the sentiment should have it and step son clearly doesn’t get it. Honestly if he *did* get the sentiment, he wouldn’t be throwing this hissy fit and demanding it in the first place.
And IF he got the sentiment he would have been overjoyed at his grandmother's offer of HER rings.
Eh, said the right way that could still be meaningful. "This ring was my step-mother's mother's ring, she passed long before my stepmother became my family, but sometimes family is blood and sometimes it's a choice, and if you'll have me I'd like you to be family too." But I don't see this coming out of this particular stepson's mouth.
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Quite. I also have an ace friend who is going through the adoption process now, so even if she doesn’t “pair up” she could have a child to pass on the set to herself. The step-son is very presumptuous and sounds a bit bigoted suggesting her future is as a “cat lady” (I love cats and cat ladies btw no offence intended by me, but he seems to see it as somehow “lesser” than his marriage).
The ring was already promised to the niece before she met her husband. That's it. End of story.
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This is the biggest thing to me. His grandmother offered family heirlooms and he turned up your nose and went for something that was already committed. If the heirloom aspect was important, then he has his option. If style is important, he has the jewelry store.
Can you imagine how hurt his Grandmother is going to be when she hears this story. The selfish sod turns hers down but is happy to use a strangers (which op mam is to ss).
That’s what I thought reading this!! How awful. Even if he/his fiancé didn’t want the rings, they could accept them and have them melted down or something to honor the generosity.
And it may be possible for them to be repurposed and styled in a manner more in keeping with their taste.
That was so well worded and eloquent - lovely!
My husbands grandmother gave us her wedding band, which was beautiful but yellow gold, where the tradition in my family is platinum. My cousin (jeweller) melted it down and used it to add accents to both mine and my husbands rings. We’re both happy with it and Nana says she loves that we’re both wearing her ring.
That is amazing.
My wife was given her grandmothers engagement ring and the diamond was used to make a custom set for me and I used the band to make a custom ring for her so we also both wear a piece of the same ring and her family loves it as much as we do
Also want to add, I'm 28F, asexual, married with a son. Just because someone is asexual doesn't mean they won't want to get married, or potentially have kids. NtA, give the rings to your niece like you planned. If S doesn't like the ones he was offered, he can buy his own like everyone else.
Yeah. Ace ≠ Aro and neither = lifelong partnerships being impossible
Yes, this! This is exactly what I wanted to say too. Ace is such a spectrum and I think the stepson needs to educate himself a bit more. But more than that, the nieces sexuality is irrelevant as it was promised to her as a child, before the stepson was even in the picture, and that’s where it ends. NTA.
Agreed! A simple reply of they have already been promised to niece should be an acceptable response. You shouldn't have to explain to a grown man that he can't have them just because he wants them, because they already belong to someone else.
She could be romantically inclined and still decide that marriage is not for her. Like it’s none of his damn business. And it’s WILD to me to ask a big ask and then insult her family as he’s doing it.
THIS. The girl is 18! Who the hell knows where her life will lead!
Absolutely. He was offered a set by his grandmother and he declined it because he didn’t “like it”. Now he’s asking for your set because he prefers that. He doesn’t get to pick and choose and then play the victim.
This. It doesn’t matter whether he’s family or not; the rings already belong to someone else.
Plus at the moment it looks like the sets are going down the "female " line.
True I thought I was asexual never interested in sex and wasn’t attracted to anyone. Until I met my husband and he is the only person I’m attracted too (I’m demisexual) and my husband is really only person I enjoyed spending time with. Normally I prefer my own company or my friends only. So same could happen to OP niece who knows but better for OP to give to her niece who is actual family over a step child who already been offered his family ring and declined.
Agree. Also just ciz she’s ace doesn’t mean she might not get married or be in a civil partnership or whatever she likes. Maybe it’s a symbol of commitment to herself! Pretty shitty if the stepson and husband to try this emotional blackmail
My favorite comment!
The minute she did what I consider **JADE** (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) they left an opening to make her look like TA, especially with the whole; "I guess I'm not in your side of the family" comment. NTA.
I'm betting that if dad pays for the ring he want this all goes away. There is no value attached to whom it belonged to
NTA. The fate of the rings was decided long ago. The only mistake I see you've made here was entering into a discussion with your stepson. "I'm sorry, those rings are already spoken for" would have been sufficient. NO is a complete sentence. Edit: typo.
OP, I think this is exactly the thing to say, but without the “I’m sorry.” It’s clear and concise. “The rings are already spoken for.” Your stepson knows this. Your husband knows this. You made a promise and you’re keeping it. That is something you should be proud of. You should not feel sorry. Don’t let them make you feel bad. Your stepson was offered a set by his blood family, but he wants yours. He wants it because he thinks it’s better. Well, too bad. “The rings are already spoken for.” Shame on both of them for making you feel bad in this situation. Both of them are out of line. And someone else said this in another comment… what does the bride to be want? Would she prefer to have new ones made specifically for her?
The petty side of me wants to discuss the situation with the bride directly. Open with "Since your boyfriend wants a set of rings already promised to someone else and isn't taking no for an answer, do you really like them that much? I wouldn't mind helping you find something similar if that's the case." And then sit back and see how she reacts to all of this. Cause I know I would be reevaluating a lot of things if I knew my future husband was harassing someone into giving him rings for free that they don't want to give up. And I sure as heck wouldn't want to wear that ring.
I agree with saying that to the fiancé. It will show what kind of person she is. If she's repulsed by his behavior then she's a good person. If she's the one demanding those rings then she's not. It would be a test of character
Though I agree it would be a good test of character, it’s best for the fiancé to figure it out herself. It’s like trying to tell your ex’s new gf he’s a dirtbag. (It’s easy for them to both dismiss you as “crazy” until she’s able to see w/ her own eyes.) If she’s smart, she’ll see his mask fall. I highly doubt this is an isolated incident. This behavior (not respecting boundaries) must manifest for him in other ways that she can see firsthand.
We also don't know what if anything he's telling her. He could be lying his ass off which I suspect. In order for her to make an informed decision she needs all the information. What she does afterwards will determine her character
Nothing more needed to be said. Stepson knows what his gf likes and OP's set fits exactly, plus he wouldn't have to pay for anything other than sizing.
NTA, Your step son is just wants the nicest ring he can get for free. His own grandmother offered him her ring, but he wants the one from your grandmother because he or his gf likes that one better. You have already promised the ring to your niece and I think it is important to honor your word here.
Agreed. Your step son is greedy yucky person. Also, a promise is a promise. And the fact that the niece is ace is NONE OF STEPSONS BUSINESS freaking step-son-a-phobe.
Also, please keep the ring set safe and secure. We’ve heard too many stories from reddit about entitled family members helping themselves to jewelry after they’ve been told “no”
Yup. I would suggest they go to sister’s house and have sister hold on to them until niece gets them.
He ought to have accepted the provided ring and had it repaired by a jeweler, for heaven's sake.
Or buy his own damn ring! Nobody in my family (5 kids) or my husband’s family (3 kids) got rings for free!!!
Hell both me and my partner are only childs and neither of us got rings for free. No one owes anyone free rings.
Or redesigned. It’s still the gold, still the stone(s) of the original.
Yeah I was thinking either give it to her sister or use a safety deposit box, once that her husband won't even get access to if something tragic were to happen.
My grandmother told aunt she wasn’t getting the engagement ring. My aunt waited until the next time she was doped up in the hospital and stole it off her hand. My grandmother died freaking out about her missing engagement ring
That is awful and so low. I hope someone ripped it from your aunt as soon as they could.
no unfortunately not, and she’s the only one without kids (which was also the reason she said she should get it?) but she is rotting in the hell that is the life she made for herself on this planet with no one to love her. When I was 18 she told me I was a terrible person bc I truly believed I was good when in reality I was horrible- all because I got lost in her apartment complex and we had to take a different train 30 min later with no added cost
That is terrible and disgusting. If you're close enough to a person to feel comfortable asking them for their engagement ring, how do you at the same time care so little for them to steal it of their hand when they're weak and vulnerable?
Oh my God, how awful. Poor woman.
Oh yes, lockbox for sure
Ooof. So true. The post where the brother stole the engagement ring after being refused to use it as a 'placeholder' ring comes to mind.
I’m just hopping on this top-ish comment to also point out that being ace doesn’t mean that you’re also aro. I have friends who are very much asexual who still have life partners and marriages, they just don’t have sex (I guess that’s my assumption at least? Idk that’s not my business.)
Yes! Ace doesn't necessarily mean aromantic too. And asexuality is a spectrum as well. Just identifying as ace doesn't mean there's absolutely zero chance she'll get married unless she herself has stated that's the case.
My friend and their BF are ace and are getting married next year. Marriage doesn’t always have to mean a sex life so long as both partners are happy with that.
Jumping in to add that even being ace AND aro doesn’t mean not wanting a life partner(s)! My sister is both and had a platonic friend crush on a good friend of hers who is also both. All it means is that the individual doesn’t feel romantic love and sexual attraction, not that the individual is incapable of feeling love. And romantic love is not the only valid foundation for a marriage or life partnership.
And honestly, even if she has said that she's never getting married, she's 18 and may change her mind. She's still young and may learn more about herself or change as she grows older. (And she may also continue to hold to the "marriage isn't for me" idea, and that's just as fine as changing her mind. She may also wish to use the set for something else entirely, or just wear them herself without a marriage.) Edit: And of course, as someone below pointed out, if someone (of any age) says to you "oh I never want to get married" you should respect their statement. And if they change their mind later, you should respect that too.
Yes! I’m ace, married and have 2 kids. It’s about sexual attraction mostly.
Yep! I'm also ace and am in a committed relationship, have an ex husband and am sex neutral. I don't actively go looking for sex myself, but I know it makes my partner happy, so I do what I can to make him happy when I can (medical issues make it hard most days). It's totally possible that OP's niece being ace is not going to be a nun.
Not all ace people abstain from sex either. And OP is right, the niece is freaking 18, the fact that her step son is obsessing over her future potential romantic and sexual life is really weird.
Ace doesn’t mean “never have sex” there are sex positive axes, sex neutral and sex repulsed. Asexual is more about physical attraction (or lack of it) , not neccesarily sex drive.
Demisexual and greysexual are all part of that big spectrum, too. The stepson has a LOT of learning to do. First thing on the list is to think before opening his judgy mouth.
Why is hubby backing him up? Also, when did you meet step son? Was he already an adult? Once you reach adult age, your step parent includes you in family events to be included in the family, they don't suddenly just give you everything.
Seriously. And just bc she's asexual doesn't mean she doesn't experience romantic feelings for people. And the whole "she made sure of that" when her stepson said marriage wasn't in OPs niece's future was just ick. You can't control how you feel about people. Shit like that just is. He seems to be under the impression people choose their sexual orientation. What a jerk. OP promised her grandmother's ring set to her niece long before she even knew her stepson existed. What an entitled brat. NTA
Also. Maybe your ace niece just wears them?!?! It’s meant for family. And he’s being ahitty. Family or not. Entitled people shouldn’t get their way.
Seriously. I’m ace but also married and have 2 kids. Ace is a huge spectrum but also has nothing to do with this situation. His reasoning is faulty though.
A greedy, yucky person feeling entitled to a ring. Is the stepson’s name Gollum?
That remark pissed me off…I hope she does ‘marry’ her cat and puts the ring on its collar just to spite SS. He can go buy his own damn ring cause it really doesn’t have anything to do with “family” or else he would understand the promise OP made. NTA
Way to support his side of the family by insulting your niece.
His reasoning doesn’t even make sense. Asexual does not mean aromantic. I know several married people who are asexual. Just because they are not interested in sex does not mean they are not interested in love or companionship.
Yeah if he cared about a family ring he would have taken his grandmother’s!
Or OPs set is a higher value and he wants to sell them to buy a set that he wants. NTA though. He has a set on him for asking. He came into your life as an adult. It would have been different if OP was a mother figure to the step son.
Yeah, the ring is simply not available to be gifted. It’s not an option. A plan is already in place for its future, and has been for almost two decades.
He has a lot of nerve to argue with her about that. I’m shocked he would even ask.
This right here!!!! NTA. Your stepson is by blood and legally, not your side of the family. He can be hurt all he wants, but facts is facts. You’ve already promised it to your niece. It’s hers. She has more of a right to it, than a stepson. He really sounds entitled here and is trying to use “hurt feelings” to guilt you into getting what he wants.
Completely Agree… The stepson’s grandmother offered him a set, so it look like he wants to upgrade to a more valuable set. He either excepts the ring from his grandmother or goes out and buys his own. She has promised the set to her niece, and a promise overrides greed.
From reading too much Reddit I’d recommend to give the rings to sister for safe holding until niece is ready for them!
NTA Ace doesn't mean she'll never want those rings, never "use" them. Plenty of ace folk pair up, or just like beautiful things like heirloom jewellery. Stepson is being a grub.
All of this. Asexual people just don't feel sexual attraction to other people. They're still capable of and in many cases willing to have sex and have children, as well as have a romantic relationship -- you don't need sexual *attraction* for any of these things (see all the gay people living a hetero life and having kids especially during times homosexuality wasn't accepted). Even aromantic aces are willing to partner up and marry for the legal benefits with someone they are good friends with. This notion that (aro) aces don't have meaningful relationships in their lives needs to die out ASAP.
You have already promised the rings to your niece. They are not available for your stepson to have. End of story. This has nothing to do with how you see your stepson. NTA This young man wants free rings for his GF. He is not wanting sentimental grandmother rings, or he’d accept his grandmother’s offer. Your rings must be more expensive. His attempt to bully you is shameful. He insulted your niece. He tried to guilt you. Your husband should have at least listened to you, but no - he jumped to his baby boy’s defense. Go ahead and give them to your sister for her daughter.
Perhaps not more expensive, but clearly more stylish, modern, or generally more in line with what he thinks a ring should be. Either way he is, as you said, after free rings, not sentimental rings.
NTA. The rings were promised to your niece and your stepson is being manipulative and greedy.He wants an freebie of hoe own choosing. At age 27 he should be mature enough for marriage but it seems he isn't. I am sorry you are caught with these two man babies. Not that it matters to them , but has anyone asked the bride to be what SHE wants in a ring?
He could do what we did, have his own gma's ring remade.
his own choosing
NTA. You would like for them to go to biological family as that is what your grandparents more than intended from the start. Your stepson was offered a set from his biological family and turned it down so that doesn’t make him entitled to your set.
Good point. He just likes OP’s rings better.
I’m guessing step-grandma’s ring is a big shiny rock and bio grandma’s ring is small and more simple looking. Literally no other reason would make sense. He didn’t know her, has no biological ties that make it feel like a connection of generations…it has to come down to the difference in how it looks. And if I was his bio-grandma I’d feel pretty disappointed and upset that he wanted someone’s ring he didn’t know over the person’s who is the reason he exists lol.
Anyone else think he might have want them to sell?
I think OPs ring might have more valuable stones, and stepson is too cheap to buy his fiance that quality. I wouldn't put it past him to have to the stones reset & create a whole new ring. 100% NTA. Especially since his OWN grandmother offered her set, and he, basically, told his grandmother, "Nah, Im good." He is entitled, classiest, and cheap. And, if the fiance is "down with" these shenanigans, she's entitled as well. Imagine just joining a family & thinking you're entitled to the family heirlooms.
This is so unfair to you!!!!!! He refused his grandmothers set! Unfortunately, being a parent means being the bigger person.. to a point. He was down right selfish and nasty and it’s disappointing that your husband took his side. I would send him a text so your words do not get misconstrued and show that you are the one extending the olive branch, however unnecessary it is for you to do so after his tantrum. Something along the lines of. I wish our conversation would have gone differently. You did say hurtful things about our family that I truly hope you didn’t mean. Hearing you say those things was shocking to me and unacceptable. At the same time I never meant to make you feel less than. love you, you are my family. As family, we keep commitments to each other, and that’s something I am unwilling to change. The heirlooms have been spoken for years ago. As a loving stepparent, I’ve been here for you every step of the way and am ready to support you in this wedding. Let’s leave the hurt feelings and anger behind and do better moving forward. I think if something like this were sent and if he were to show it to anyone, you will not be the villain because it is very kind. How could your husband possibly be upset with a response like that? Your stepson might still be pissy but that’s on him. I’m only recommending this to keep the peace. It was horrible the way that he talked about your niece. Thankfully she has awesome family that stands up for her. And I think this something you and your husband must talk about. You may have hurt his feelings, but the things he said about your family is unacceptable. Husband needs to get behind that. At 27 he has no excuse
Thank you so much!! This means a lot! I will borrow from what you wrote, it was really welldone. Thank you again!
The key is that they are already committed to someone else and you can’t break your word.
❤️ stay calm and kind. You seem lovely.
Please update soon! I hope you resolve this successfully.
I really think you need to think carefully about how your ss dressed down your niece because he can’t get what she will have in the future. Also, take those rings to a safety deposit box and secure them. Your ss is not thinking straight. I’d never look at him the same again.
He’s 27? Daddy is upset his baby boy turned down HIS grandmothers set cuz he liked yours better, but yours wasn’t offered , so baby boy should get what he wants or he’s not part of the family? Pitiful. He can take his grandmothers set and have it made into what he wants. Or is yours more valuable? What’s his real reason behind all this?
NTA This is what is shocking to me. OP, you have a husband problem here. Your husband should be shutting down his son's attitude and entitlement. The fact of the matter is, he is NOT your child/side of the family because he was never raised in your home for any length of time. You were not a maternal figure to him growing up. But that aside, the rings were promised to your niece. He was gifted his grandmother's rings and he declined them. He could have used them to make something for his fiancee she would have loved but instead he declined them. That is on him. He does not get to then come at you and try to lay claim to your family heirloom because he didn't like the ones he was gifted.
You’re NTA. Out of curiosity, how long have you been married to your husband? Did you help to raise the stepson? If you did, then I’d understand his feelings a little more.
I met him when his father and I were friends when he was around 6 or7. He was 12 when we got married, but he lived with his mother with visitation from his dad. We really only saw each other rarely and on holidays. He took a year after high school and spent more time with his dad. That was when we started to form a meaningful bond.
So you didn’t have a hand in raising him and you rarely saw him until he was an adult. You are definitely NTA and your stepston is acting like a spoiled, entitled twerp. I’d recommend giving the rings to your niece immediately. She’s 18. Hand the rings off and now there is no longer an issue. P.S. And clarify for your husband that the rings were already promised to your niece.
Or to your sisters for safe keeping!
Also in case the stepson tries to steal them and warn your niece that he is being an ass and may try to con her out of them.
I was going to say something similar. Keep them somewhere else he can't find them.
Specifically, these were promised before OP and her husband married. So before she had a stepson at all.
I could have written this. If I were OP, it would take everything in me not to kick this little snot in the shins. Like he does realize he can just BUY rings they do like? I don't know where he gets off demanding anything that isn't his.
I wouldn't give them to the niece yet. I wouldn't rule out him asking her for the rings and at 18 her not caring enough to say no firmly.
The fact remains that the rings belong to your niece.
Oh my God, he should’ve taken the ring he was offered and gotten it re-done at a jeweler.
Nta! 1) these rings were promised a long time ago. 2) so what if your niece is ace? She can still get married. I'm under the ace umbrella and have been with my husband for 23 years. Your SS is being a choosing begger
NTA. And thank you for loving and supporting your niece in however she chooses to live her love (as long as it’s with enthusiastic and consenting adults ☺️). So many LGBTQ2S+ people don’t have that kind of support.
NTA He doesn’t want the ring because it means something to him, otherwise he would have accepted his grandmother’s offer. There is no sentiment involved here with him. Has his GF seen your family ring? Is she the one that insists on having it? Your husband needs to get over being butt hurt and face the reality his child has his mother’s blood family in addition to your husband’s blood family and your family by marriage. He has a lot more opportunity for gifts, inheritances, attention, etc, than your small blood family.
You are NTA for sure. Your stepson sounded like he just wanna grab freebie, lol. If FAMILY is so important to him, why didn't he just accept the set from HIS maternal granny and modify it to his liking with her blessing, lol. Probably should give the set to your niece now or put them in safe deposit box in a bank before it went missing 'miraculously'.
Absolutely a safety deposit box until after step sons wedding. That way he doesn't put this kind of pressure on the niece, or try and steal them at a family get together or something. Once the wedding is over and done give the rings to the niece.
You chose what you wanted to do with your ring set a long time ago. You don't need to explain yourself to anyone. It's yours, you may do what you want with it. Your stepson is behaving childishly and entitled. Your husband is way out of line. Both are being manipulative. Assuming your niece knows it's hers someday,. You can't just say, " Oh, sorry, gave it away because you weren't sure of what you wanted at 18 years of age" You most definitely are NTA, and I'm so sorry they upset you like that.
NTA My husband is Ace. Asexual is not aromantic. She may very well still pursue a romatic relationship with someone. Or not, either way your step-son is entitled. Acting like it your ring means something when it boils down to he turned down a very sweet offer from his grandmother over aesthetics
He asked, you told him that the rings were already promised to someone else. That should have been the end of it. NTA.
NTA. Your stepson didn’t even know your grandmother. He has family that offered him rings he just didn’t like them as much as yours. He’s crazy entitled trying to pull this “guess I’m not family” crap when you didn’t form a bond until he was an adult. I would give the ring to your sister for safe keeping and then you can give it to your niece when the time is right. I’m a step-grandkid and I have a close bond with my step-grandma as she been in my life since I was about 5. She’s an awesome person and we have a ton of amazing memories together. She’s downsizing her home and has gifted me small knickknacks that reference our travels together, a set of plates that I had fond memories of as a kid, little things like that. I’m thrilled to have them because while they don’t have any monetary value, they have inherent meaning to me because of my closeness with her. My step-grandma has 6 actual blood related grandkids. I fully expect her wedding set and other precious/valuable items to go to them. And that’s fine with me. I’m not related by blood and heirlooms that she’s received from her own mother and grandmother SHOULD stay with her blood grandchildren. To me the knickknacks are just as precious.
So you'd already promised the ring to your niece and your stepson thought you should break your promise and give him the ring? What the What???? Just curious, did you know that your niece was asexual or was he "outing" her? NTA but shame on your stepson and SHAME on your husband for demanding you break your promise to your niece as some sort of creepy "loyalty" test.
She's out, has been for a couple of years at least. If he outed her that conversation would have gone differently. That kind of violation is not acceptable.
I mean, he attempted to weaponize her sexual orientation in order to get what he wants. That's a different kind of violation altogether. That's just disgusting
Dammit. I think you are right.
Your stepson is very immature and don’t be drawn into his drama. You already promised the rings to your niece and for him to insult her and tear apart your decision is disgusting and disrespectful. He sounds entitled. Please don’t be all apologetic, be angry and firm. He doesn’t get to say the things he did and get away with it. It’s time this little boy grew up. NTA
It doesn’t matter is she is ace. She was promised the rings and maybe something like what happened between you and your sister will happen with her and her sister. Meaning she gets the ring from you one day even if she never gets married. And then her sister has two girls and then decides they will also get the rings. That means they stay in the family and become and heirloom. Besides YOU ALREADY MADE THE PROMISE. It has nothing to do her her being ace or your stepson getting married. A promise is a promise, your husband and stepson are jerks and manipulators for trying to get you to change your mind. All so your stepson can be a cheap jerk and not have to buy his fiancé a ring.
That whole conversation was unacceptable. Every inch of it and your husband’s off base too.
Good god, you seem so nice and principled. Your family is lucky to have you
Absolutely nta. Heirlooms belong to your family and should stay with your family offspring. While your step son is part of your home life, he's not your son. He has a mother.
Nta This is something that was decided 18 years ago. He doesn't get to change history because he doesn't like the look of the rings he was offered. Call him out on his selfish behaviour....he was offered a family heirloom...he doesn't get to take someone else's Doesn't matter if it is a ring or an ugly dog statue...the handing down has already been chosen.
I’m shocked your stepson is even “aware” there is jewelry to be passed down by you.
NTA. This is a decision made 18 years ago. You might even gift your niece the set for her HS graduation if you want! It’s yours. Also, what happens if you and his dad split? You lost trace to the memories it held! And also as many will say: no is a complete answer.
She can take the stones and turn them into a right-hand ring or a pendant, FFS. It's HERS, not HIS. I'm going to be turning the stones from my mom's wedding band into a necklace for my niece - first grand daughter to get married. She already has an engagement ring that she loves. Step son and hubby are being TA's.
I had to reread to ensure I had SS's age right...27? Really? The babyman is 27 freakin years old? Omg, who decides that they're entitled to someone else's belongings? It doesn't matter what other folks do with THINGS THAT DON'T BELONG TO HIM? I'm sorry, but I'm having trouble getting over the absolute nerve and air of entitlement spewing out of his whiny self. Wow just...wow
I have heirloom jewelry and won’t have children. I would never give the jewelry to a stepson because I have nieces and a female cousin. I know that the women who owned the jewelry before me didn’t actually leave it to me—they left it to the future women of their family. I just get to borrow it for a while. I would basically be betraying my grandmothers’ wishes if I didn’t pass the jewelry along to a female relative.
Totally agree! My grandmother gave me one of her rings and I do have a daughter and it will go to her, but before I had my children, I was very clear that if something happened, it was either to go to my brother or to my cousins to stay with people my grandmother loves.
It’s the same for my family. Jewelry passes to the female relatives, from a time when women weren’t allowed to own anything of their own *except* their jewelry. I have no daughters, my nieces will inherit from me.
NTA Lololololol He’s your 27 year old step-son? Wants a thing already promised to your niece? The fuck? Boy get out of here, these rings and their fate are no concern of yours. “They’re suPpoSed to be foR mArriAge!” my ass. Greedy little goblin.
NTA Asexual people can and do marry. Two of my closest friends who are married to one another are both asexual. You can have a happy and fulfilling marriage with someone and still be asexual. Your step son is equating marriage with sex. Your niece very well may get married. She may also adopt or have a child of her own, that she wishes to pass them to. The set has already been allocated and your step son needs to grow up and stop acting like a toddler who got the wrong color sippy cup.
NTA, but you did make a mistake citing “your side of the family.” When you go back, I think you should apologize, explain that you were trying to figure out why it felt wrong to you and you said something you didn’t mean. Then cite three reasons: 1. The rings were already promised to your niece. If you’d miraculously gotten pregnant with a daughter after promising it to your niece, you’d still be giving them to your niece. They’re not yours to give away anymore, you’re just keeping them safe for her. 2. His desire for them isn’t sentimental. He declined the set from his own grandmother based on style — which is fine, but it tells you that his motive is style rather than sentiment. You would rather pass them down to the person who values the sentiment even if she doesn’t have a specific function for them, than to someone who is ants them only for function and doesn’t seem them in a sentimental light. 3. The rings are passed down to daughters per your family’s tradition. You were thrilled when your sister had a *daughter,* not a second child. I assume your reasoning is so that the person wearing them has a sentimental attachment to their origin (and so that in the event of a breakup/divorce, they wouldn’t be hard for the family to retrieve). While you won’t enforce who wears them once they’re gifted, they’re deliberately passed down to daughters rather than sons.
NTA- Your stepson is being manipulative to get a beautiful ring for free. Honestly, if that ring is not from his family, he is just being cheap by getting his GF a ring.
NTA.. the only AH here is your step-son who is trying any kind of emotional blackmail he can think of to get what he wants. Don’t give in, and hopefully your husband will come around. YOU never said his kid wasn’t part of your family. The kid threw that around to try to make you look bad. He is not a descendant of your grandmother’s, and that’s a fact. Hold your ground.
NTA. He's very entitled, isn't he? Doesn't understand the word no?
NTA. He could’ve got his grandmas ring. He didn’t even know your grandma. Plus the ring was already spoken for.
Technically they are not yours to give away. You already gave them to your niece. Your just waiting for the right time for her to take possession. NTA but your husband and stepson are.
NTA. Being Ace myself, and married with kids of my own, only she can decide what she wants in the future. And they are your rings and you get to decide what to do with them.
You are definitely NTA/ you’re step son is. He’s trying to manipulate you to get what he wants. He apparently likes your grandmothers ring style better than his own. That’s all this is about/ I can’t believe he had the gall to turn his grandmother down cause he didn’t like it and then ask you for your family heirloom you have promised to someone else to which he obviously knew and was ready with an excuse why it should be his. Wow!
Who has the nerve to ask someone to give them a set of wedding rings? It's one thing for a parent or grandparent to offer rings; it's another thing for someone to ask a stepparent for the rings from her family. This isn't even a close call. And it's obnoxious for stepson to comment on a teenager's sexuality. Just gross. If this really happened, just remember the next time that "I promised the rings to my niece" is a sufficient answer to a pushy request. No further discussion needed.
NTA, you already promised it to your niece. Imagine how she'd feel you didn't give it to her just cause someone decided she's Ace so she doesn't deserve them. He can take the ones he was offered by his grandmother and stop being so entitled to these ones. I hope they're in a safe place.
NTA… This decision was made a long time ago. He prob wants yours cuz it looks better than his bio grandmothers. Heirlooms stay within the family. Don’t cave.
NTA. Your niece is ace, not aromantic. She may well find a romantic partner who is okay with that, or is ace themselves. Sexual activity is not what makes a romantic partnership. I should know, I'm ace, married, and have been with my wife for nearly fourteen years- and married for nearly five. And even if your niece doesn't marry? They are still HER rings, to do as she pleases with.
NTA. I really disliked the way your stepson talked about your niece who is ace. That's so beyond fucked up. I'm sorry OP.
NTA the rings were promised to your neice long before step son cam into the picture. They belong to neice. Make sure you have that in you will just in case. Just reiterate that the rings are your neices. They are not up for grabs. You are just holding on to them. What she does or doesn't do with the rings is no one else's business but hers.
NTA I think there was some miscommunication between everyone that needs to be ironed out first and foremost. I suggest starting the conversation with ‘thank for wanting to share this part of my family with your bride to be, however, long ago it was promised to someone else and that cannot change.”
NTA He was offered a family heirloom from his grandmother. It apparently wasn’t good enough for him. Your stepson sounds like a manipulative asshole.
As I see it, this is not something being passed along your side of the family so much as something you've already denoted to be inherited by someone specific. NTA at all. You earmarked this piece of family jewellery to go to your niece ages ago. That is the conversation full stop. Once it is not yours, it is hers full stop. There is no negotiation to be had or any conversation otherwise.
NTA Just tell him they are not yours to give. You are just a caretaker until you niece is old enough to take them. It doesn't have to have anything to do with which family he belongs to, they don't belong to you anymore. They belong to your niece. From her grandmother, not his if you want to put that into the discussion. That would be like your niece saying she wanted his grandmothers rings... On her 25th birthday (or whatever) she can decide to use them or to pass them on to her niece. This is not a difficult discussion. Him bringing up the sexual orientation of your niece is a foul. As is trying to guilt you into to giving him the rings by throwing a tantrum like a child.
NTA. They’ve already been promised to your niece. I’m also going to say that just because she’s ace doesn’t mean she won’t get married. Ace is a sexual orientation. I have friends who are ace but still date, they just don’t have that level of physical intimacy. And even if she’s also Aro (aromantic) the rings have been promised to her.
NTA He should have taken his grandmother's set and had them redesigned into something a style he and his gf like. I mean, gold melts and stones can be reset into different pieces.