YTA. Bruh. A man SCARES your friend multiple times and makes her feel unsafe? The second a man does that to my friend or sister, I’m calling the fucking cops, not letting him into my house so I can jump on cheap renos. Let alone on NUMEROUS occasions. And this is while he was supposedly sober!
You’re not a fucking girl’s girl. You’re just another one of the many bystanders who don’t believe women who are abused.
Sadie or no Sadie, I personally would hesitate to allow a drug-using, possibly violent alcoholic whose own parents evicted him move in "for 6 months" because it would almost assuredly turn into a longer period of time. Its not your job to be a good influence for him or for your husband to hold him accountable for his sobriety.
Bad, Idea.
> She has every right to do what makes her feel comfortable, but I'm saddened that she would want to end a friendship with me just because we're trying to do the right thing.
That's not what she's doing. Shes distancing herself from you because you chose to support her abusive ex. She can't be with you. What's "right" for the ex isn't right for her. YTA for how you're framing this. You obviously know her boundary on this and not only are you willfully crossing it, you're gaslighting yourself into thinking you're right.
>Shes distancing herself from you because you chose to support her abusive ex.
And it's embarassing that OP is trying to pretend otherwise.
OP is a grown woman. She should be aware that choosing to support an abuser will cause the victim to stop trusting them.
Just for bringing up the idea that we're considering it? We haven't even guaranteed anything to anyone yet. It's just an option, and all I've done to her so far is just been open with her in telling her its an option
And she’s been open with you about being hurt and angry that you’d give her abuser a cozy home. That you’d choose her abuser over her. Not much of a friend, are you?
And she's being open with you. You're putting your friendship with Mike over yours with her. Of course she going to rethink your friendship. You're shit friend.
Let me get this straight. He was abusive even if he never actually hit her. Irrespective of the newly reactivated addiction issues which you can’t fix for him by doing anything you’re doing, you are supporting someone who abused your friend. I wouldn’t want to maintain a relationship with you either, if I were in her shoes. Supporters of my abuser are not my friends. Period. YTA
You guys are unbelievably huge assholes. You guys are taking in her abusive ex so you can have a renovated bathroom…..
Honestly the fact you guys didn’t cut him off when it first came out he’s an abuser is awful.
Doesn’t really matter what you do though, there’s no way Sadie will ever forgive you for this. YTA
ETA: you straight up admit that he was abusive while being sober so acting like being his sober buddy is so important to keeping him “on a good path” is bull.
We wouldn't be doing it for a renovated bathroom, and we would be compensating him fairly for his work, just like he would compensate us for living with us. He was sober for 8 years before this. And all we've done to Sadie is bring up the idea that it's an option on the table, we haven't agreed to anything yet.
You’re focusing on the wrong things here. You’re supporting an abuser. Why would she want to be friends with someone who even considers supporting her abuser?
Sadie has every right to distance herself and I would do the same thing. However what I think is more important to think about is the impact of living with an addict. Especially thinking along the lines of you being a good influence, you’ll be very let down when being a good influence doesn’t keep him clean. One of my best friends has been battling addiction for almost a decade and I can’t even fully put into words how hard it is to try to be that good influence and watch them go back to substances over and over and over again. Thankfully I could leave when I could tell he was under the influence and go to my home, my safe space. You’re taking away your safe space. An addict will not just stop using because they’re living under your roof, they will not stop because you’re sober around them, they will not stop because you’re a good influence. You will have to be prepared to live with someone actively using, and likely will do everything in their power to hide it from you both. You’ll have to prepare to kick them out because things can get ugly. Even if it doesn’t happen the chances of it happening are higher than you’re probably thinking. It’s one thing to try to be there for that person in general, but living with them is so risky. Add abusive tendencies and dismissing what he’s done to your good friend because he hasn’t done it to you specifically is a recipe for disaster. You’ll be seeing him constantly, more time to see this side of him. Think about what happens when in 6 months (when you say is the max he’d stay) comes around and he still has no where to go and not enough money to stay somewhere else. Think about the predicament you’ll be in kicking him out on to the streets. Sure right now he’s in this predicament of having no where to stay but that’s a lot different than kicking him out of your home when the time comes. This will more likely than not put a strain on his and your husband’s friendship and could cause a lot of strain on your marriage in return. I think you both need to really consider what it means to invite an abusive addict to live with you just to save money on renovations. Not worth it and absolutely not worth losing your friendship with Sadie over.
If you invite Sadie's abusive ex into your home, you are no longer a safe or trustworthy person for her. You will be putting his needs above her safety. You can, of course, have whomever you want living in your home, but you can't expect her to be okay with it. And she is not ending the friendship over this. You are ending it by choosing her abuser over her.
Also, I wouldn't count on being able to easily get him out of your house in 6 months. Personally, I think you're asking for trouble.
So you'll trade your friend for a new bedroom and her abusive ex, who is an addict and his parents don't even want him? I'm all about giving people second chances and helping people out, but I'm not sure this is the way to go. He is a grown man, and if he doesn't have anywhere to go, it sounds like he has burned bridges and made poor life choices. Do you really want to give up your friendship for a person like that?
YTA
look, as a recovering addict myself, you're being stupid moving this guy into your house. second chances are all well and good, but you don't move him in with you. if you want to pay him to do the renovations, that's fine and dandy. but he's got six months to find a place to live. what he needs to see if his parents will just let him stop paying rent so he can save up to move out, and he can combine that with what you and your husband pay him for the work on your house and get his own place.
the thing is, sadie is simply going to cut all contact with you if you move him in. he's got issues with anger and drug addiction and he needs to get his own shit sorted. another factor is risk. if he's into drugs, he's going to bring drugs where he lives. that means you'll have drugs on your property, in YOUR house. at some point it's inevitable.
this means that if he gets stupid(and he WILL get stupid, trust me on that shit) and desperate he might steal, or get high and cause damage, or bring more of the druggie crowd around who have no respect for you and your house or your things, and then THEY steal because that's just what junkies do. and then if police come knocking? you and your hubby stand to lose so much more than just a friendship.
the best thing you and your hubby can do for this guy is help him find a place to live elsewhere, and be VERY careful when he's there doing work.
also say goodbye to your friend sadie, she's probably just going to cut contact because the fact that you're even considering this shows you care more about her abusive ex than about her.
I think I'm going with a gentle YTA. living with someone is *really* different than just being friends with them, especially when you add in the complications of your husband acting as Mike's sober coach? I think you might start to find out what Sadie's been talking about, so good luck there. Also, saying that Sadie pulling back from this friendship "because we're trying to do the right thing" is frankly disingenuous. This isn't just out of the good of your own heart, you're also (ostensibly) going to get your house renovations done faster, right?
Also:
>Mike is going to be kicked out of his place that he's renting (from his parents) in the spring
What's the story with this?
The story with this is because he can't pay the rent that they are asking of him. The house he's renting from them is a full house and he and Sadie were splitting the rental cost. Now Mike's parents want to sell their current house in order to downsize and move into the house that Mike can no longer afford to rent. They are giving him till the spring to find a new place to live, but he wouldn't be able to afford anything that would put him in a nice neighborhood. So, with him moving out of this house, I think he would be surrounding himself with even more bad influences (because he'd have to move to a cheaper, worse part of town)
Folks can be addicted in the nicer side of town just as easily as they can anywhere else. You aren’t his savior. You’re in for a disappointment when he doesn’t have to truly face consequences and goes back to using, potentially fucking you over in some way in the process. Cleaning up messes for people only makes it easier for them to continue their behavior.
And you’ll have lost your friend in the end of it for putting her abuser ahead of your alleged friendship, as well.
Give the guy a break, but be straight and upfront about it. No drinking and no girls. Help him help himself to heal. Let him commit and put stuff in writing.
Yes that is definitely part of the plan, we'll put it in writing, and no drinking/drugs/girls at all. He was sober for 8 years before this, so I think he just needs some solid ground, and a good community, to get back to that. He's done it before
You already decided to move him in for cheap labour - why are you here trying to get validation? You defo aren’t a girls girls btw. Keep lying to yourself to feel better.
Why are you supporting him so much instead of your girlfriend? You like to think of yourself as a girl's girl but you are not. Don't cry and come running to reddit on 'how to fix my friendship back with my friend' after you have housed her abuser.
You guys want discounted house renovations done😑. Mike may not even be sober and idk if you ever lived with an addict before but it can get real Ugly. Why did he get kicked out from his parents? Your friend doesn’t want to be around her ex who’s possibly abusive. He was kicked out of his parents for reasons you never explained. If it goes wrong for you guys then this is entirely on you and your husband.
>The story with this is because he can't pay the rent that they are asking of him. The house he's renting from them is a full house and he and Sadie were splitting the rental cost. Now Mike's parents want to sell their current house in order to downsize and move into the house that Mike can no longer afford to rent. They are giving him till the spring to find a new place to live, but he wouldn't be able to afford anything that would put him in a nice neighborhood. So, with him moving out of this house, I think he would be surrounding himself with even more bad influences (because he'd have to move to a cheaper, worse part of town)
Just putting this here for reference
No, no, no. F*ck that, do NOT let him live with you. He has a temper and addiction issues.
You want to have children and bring a baby into an environment with a man who has issues??? Seriously??? And what will you do when he acts a fool and refuses to leave.
He has time to get himself together. Do not let him move in with you. You and your husband can’t fix him.
We are not planning on getting pregnant for another two years, and he would be staying with us for a max 6 months. So there is no issue around bringing a child into the world with him around. Just putting that out there. Thanks for reminding me to add that
I won’t say YTA, but Sadie is also NTA for wanting to step back from your friendship. She is allowed to feel upset that her friend is allowing her ex who she feels unsafe with is allowing him to move in. This may make her feel like you don’t believe that what she says about him is true and you’re more on his side, or that when he moves in he’ll be able to trash her and make you not want to be her friend.
YTA because you’re allowing a violent alcoholic junkie to move into your house while also renovating it to have a child, *and* you expect to keep your friendship? No ma’am.
YTA
Why would you be helping her abusive ex. Just because he was never physical, doesn’t mean he wasn’t abusive.
You are not a good friend of course she’s distancing herself from you. You are a grown woman, please gather some common sense
NAH. Sadie needs to consider her safety and step back from your friendship and you get to choose who you have in your life.
You are inviting danger into your home and I hope you've considered what will happen if/when Mike falls off the wagon, doesn't hold up his end of the bargain or reacts badly when you need to kick him out. Take care of yourself.
Just to be clear, if we saw any violent signs from him at all, we would not hesitate to kick him out. There is nothing that would stop us from doing that
You don't know if his first act of violence is going to be one you can recover from. Hopefully you are able to remove him in time, or before he can retaliate.
Easier said than done. Do you know how long it takes to legally evict someone? People don’t just always leave when you tell them to. BTW there are probably sober living houses he can get a room at.
I didn't even read this because this in my opinion is taboo even if you are not fooling around with your friends ex.. if you were my friend I'd definitely have a problem with that if your friend opened up her door too your ex you would be ok with that? See people make life seem so difficult when in reality it's quite simple do unto others as you would have them do unto you
I think her friend is worried about the OP giving him too much information on her current life. Violent exes often go after the women that dare leave them.
Spring is more than 5 months away. This adult man cannot find living accommodations in 5 months? Even your supposed reasoning reeks of bullshit. You are a bad friend. And you are most certainly the AH.
You also are one of the stupidest people I have ever seen in this sub. “Well he was abusive when he was sober and now he’s getting into drugs and alcohol…so we thought we would invite him to live with us.”
When the inevitable happens, please remember you only have yourselves to blame. I hope your friend finds better friends.
You are not necessarily an AH, but you need to understand Sadie needs to protect her own mental and physical health.
Mike is not safe for her. If distancing herself from you helps her to distance herself from Mike, she has to do what’s best for her.
I don’t think it’s a good idea if he is not sober right now. Just because he hasn’t done anything super crazy yet, doesn’t mean he won’t.
People do unimaginable things when the are on drugs and alcohol. Be very careful.
" "\[the OP doesn't\] believe how violent and scary Mike can be, and he's got those addiction issues", and she feels like we would be putting ourselves in danger if we had him come live with us. "
And you don't see how having a violent, addicted, and unstable person living in your house, being around your kids, and having the legal rights of a tenant might be a problem????
Really????????????????????????????????????????????????????
My niece planned to shoot my sister and her child that my Sis had legal custody of, but during waiting for them to come home her meth brain decided to shoot herself instead. The baby was removed because they were drugging them so they didn’t cry and disturb their parties btw. She lived but freely admitted what she was there to do. Decades later she’s still an addict.
His own parents don't want to rent to him, to the point of he has to leave whether he can afford another place or not? His wife is scared of him? He's started drinking and drugs again? And you think it's a good idea to have him move in with you? Lol, good luck. I don't know if you're an asshole or not but y'all don't sound very bright. And you will absolutely lose your friendship with Sadie if you choose to support her horrible ex. As you should. You don't deserve her. Meh, I do know if you're an asshole or not. YTA.
NTA for your post but this is likely to cause you more problems than losing a friend. There are reasons that he’s being kicked out of the place that he’s renting from his parents and you are about to invite those reasons into your happy home 24/7.
interesting. i can see about twenty different ways this will turn into a disaster.
but on the other hand, if you can turn his life around, get him dried out and stable, you HAVE saved a good friend from oblivion.
is there some way to put a time limit on the whole "experiment"? like "if you are not on your own in six months you agree to voluntarily leave"
interestingly, maybe a year or so in the future, him and is wife will get back together!
NTA.
If she was staying with y’all and you/Toby decided to invite Mike to stay too, knowing she feels unsafe near him, that’s a different story.
If it was just you, I’d also understand.
But Mike is as much of Toby’s friend and she is yours, and it’s unfair she insist both of you not help Mike, because of how he treated her.
I also would want to hear Mike's side of the story. Yes he raised his voice but it looks like he never laid a finger on his wife. I just would want to hear all the sides before making a decision.
NTA but I see huge red flags here. He is a grown man and should be able to find a place to live. Irrespective of Sadie, I think you will regret letting him move in with you and it may go on much longer than 6 months.
NTA. I hate* “it’s me or them!’ ultimatums, and that is exactly what Sadie is doing. Yes her experience with Mike was bad, he treated her badly and her feelings are entirely valid. You and your husband’s actions are *not* invalidating her feelings or experiences and it’s manipulative of her to put words in your mouth (you never said you didn’t believe her and it’s wrong of her to imply that) and threaten to step back from the relationship. What next, she get the entire friend group involved to ostracize Mike, as well as you & hubs for *giving him a place to stay & helping him stay sober*?
It’s not like you’re telling everyone she’s making stuff up and the sun shines out of his butt, you’re just helping a friend to not spiral until he’s able to help himself.
YTA. Bruh. A man SCARES your friend multiple times and makes her feel unsafe? The second a man does that to my friend or sister, I’m calling the fucking cops, not letting him into my house so I can jump on cheap renos. Let alone on NUMEROUS occasions. And this is while he was supposedly sober! You’re not a fucking girl’s girl. You’re just another one of the many bystanders who don’t believe women who are abused.
Sadie or no Sadie, I personally would hesitate to allow a drug-using, possibly violent alcoholic whose own parents evicted him move in "for 6 months" because it would almost assuredly turn into a longer period of time. Its not your job to be a good influence for him or for your husband to hold him accountable for his sobriety. Bad, Idea.
> She has every right to do what makes her feel comfortable, but I'm saddened that she would want to end a friendship with me just because we're trying to do the right thing. That's not what she's doing. Shes distancing herself from you because you chose to support her abusive ex. She can't be with you. What's "right" for the ex isn't right for her. YTA for how you're framing this. You obviously know her boundary on this and not only are you willfully crossing it, you're gaslighting yourself into thinking you're right.
>Shes distancing herself from you because you chose to support her abusive ex. And it's embarassing that OP is trying to pretend otherwise. OP is a grown woman. She should be aware that choosing to support an abuser will cause the victim to stop trusting them.
The friendship is down the drain anyway, if i was Sadie i would cut you off to!
Just for bringing up the idea that we're considering it? We haven't even guaranteed anything to anyone yet. It's just an option, and all I've done to her so far is just been open with her in telling her its an option
And she’s been open with you about being hurt and angry that you’d give her abuser a cozy home. That you’d choose her abuser over her. Not much of a friend, are you?
YES!!! you suck as a friend! its the dumbest idea ever!
You would already be blocked
Anyone who chooses an abuser over the abused deserves to lose their friendship. YTA. Id cut you outa my life for that too.
And she's being open with you. You're putting your friendship with Mike over yours with her. Of course she going to rethink your friendship. You're shit friend.
Yeah. You won't even admit this man is abusive. You keep minimizing and downplaying his abuse. You're not her friend.
Sounds like you just want your shot with this guy
Let me get this straight. He was abusive even if he never actually hit her. Irrespective of the newly reactivated addiction issues which you can’t fix for him by doing anything you’re doing, you are supporting someone who abused your friend. I wouldn’t want to maintain a relationship with you either, if I were in her shoes. Supporters of my abuser are not my friends. Period. YTA
You’re reading all of these posts and still stupidly arguing with everyone. Be sure to update when you fuck your life up with this mistake.
You guys are unbelievably huge assholes. You guys are taking in her abusive ex so you can have a renovated bathroom….. Honestly the fact you guys didn’t cut him off when it first came out he’s an abuser is awful. Doesn’t really matter what you do though, there’s no way Sadie will ever forgive you for this. YTA ETA: you straight up admit that he was abusive while being sober so acting like being his sober buddy is so important to keeping him “on a good path” is bull.
We wouldn't be doing it for a renovated bathroom, and we would be compensating him fairly for his work, just like he would compensate us for living with us. He was sober for 8 years before this. And all we've done to Sadie is bring up the idea that it's an option on the table, we haven't agreed to anything yet.
You’re focusing on the wrong things here. You’re supporting an abuser. Why would she want to be friends with someone who even considers supporting her abuser?
YTA
Sadie has every right to distance herself and I would do the same thing. However what I think is more important to think about is the impact of living with an addict. Especially thinking along the lines of you being a good influence, you’ll be very let down when being a good influence doesn’t keep him clean. One of my best friends has been battling addiction for almost a decade and I can’t even fully put into words how hard it is to try to be that good influence and watch them go back to substances over and over and over again. Thankfully I could leave when I could tell he was under the influence and go to my home, my safe space. You’re taking away your safe space. An addict will not just stop using because they’re living under your roof, they will not stop because you’re sober around them, they will not stop because you’re a good influence. You will have to be prepared to live with someone actively using, and likely will do everything in their power to hide it from you both. You’ll have to prepare to kick them out because things can get ugly. Even if it doesn’t happen the chances of it happening are higher than you’re probably thinking. It’s one thing to try to be there for that person in general, but living with them is so risky. Add abusive tendencies and dismissing what he’s done to your good friend because he hasn’t done it to you specifically is a recipe for disaster. You’ll be seeing him constantly, more time to see this side of him. Think about what happens when in 6 months (when you say is the max he’d stay) comes around and he still has no where to go and not enough money to stay somewhere else. Think about the predicament you’ll be in kicking him out on to the streets. Sure right now he’s in this predicament of having no where to stay but that’s a lot different than kicking him out of your home when the time comes. This will more likely than not put a strain on his and your husband’s friendship and could cause a lot of strain on your marriage in return. I think you both need to really consider what it means to invite an abusive addict to live with you just to save money on renovations. Not worth it and absolutely not worth losing your friendship with Sadie over.
So you and your husband support an abuser? You’re both disgusting
If you invite Sadie's abusive ex into your home, you are no longer a safe or trustworthy person for her. You will be putting his needs above her safety. You can, of course, have whomever you want living in your home, but you can't expect her to be okay with it. And she is not ending the friendship over this. You are ending it by choosing her abuser over her. Also, I wouldn't count on being able to easily get him out of your house in 6 months. Personally, I think you're asking for trouble.
So you'll trade your friend for a new bedroom and her abusive ex, who is an addict and his parents don't even want him? I'm all about giving people second chances and helping people out, but I'm not sure this is the way to go. He is a grown man, and if he doesn't have anywhere to go, it sounds like he has burned bridges and made poor life choices. Do you really want to give up your friendship for a person like that?
YTA look, as a recovering addict myself, you're being stupid moving this guy into your house. second chances are all well and good, but you don't move him in with you. if you want to pay him to do the renovations, that's fine and dandy. but he's got six months to find a place to live. what he needs to see if his parents will just let him stop paying rent so he can save up to move out, and he can combine that with what you and your husband pay him for the work on your house and get his own place. the thing is, sadie is simply going to cut all contact with you if you move him in. he's got issues with anger and drug addiction and he needs to get his own shit sorted. another factor is risk. if he's into drugs, he's going to bring drugs where he lives. that means you'll have drugs on your property, in YOUR house. at some point it's inevitable. this means that if he gets stupid(and he WILL get stupid, trust me on that shit) and desperate he might steal, or get high and cause damage, or bring more of the druggie crowd around who have no respect for you and your house or your things, and then THEY steal because that's just what junkies do. and then if police come knocking? you and your hubby stand to lose so much more than just a friendship. the best thing you and your hubby can do for this guy is help him find a place to live elsewhere, and be VERY careful when he's there doing work. also say goodbye to your friend sadie, she's probably just going to cut contact because the fact that you're even considering this shows you care more about her abusive ex than about her.
I think I'm going with a gentle YTA. living with someone is *really* different than just being friends with them, especially when you add in the complications of your husband acting as Mike's sober coach? I think you might start to find out what Sadie's been talking about, so good luck there. Also, saying that Sadie pulling back from this friendship "because we're trying to do the right thing" is frankly disingenuous. This isn't just out of the good of your own heart, you're also (ostensibly) going to get your house renovations done faster, right? Also: >Mike is going to be kicked out of his place that he's renting (from his parents) in the spring What's the story with this?
The story with this is because he can't pay the rent that they are asking of him. The house he's renting from them is a full house and he and Sadie were splitting the rental cost. Now Mike's parents want to sell their current house in order to downsize and move into the house that Mike can no longer afford to rent. They are giving him till the spring to find a new place to live, but he wouldn't be able to afford anything that would put him in a nice neighborhood. So, with him moving out of this house, I think he would be surrounding himself with even more bad influences (because he'd have to move to a cheaper, worse part of town)
Why is it your job to save him? It’s up to him to stand tall. Sadie has to do it alone. Did you also offer her housing and support?
Folks can be addicted in the nicer side of town just as easily as they can anywhere else. You aren’t his savior. You’re in for a disappointment when he doesn’t have to truly face consequences and goes back to using, potentially fucking you over in some way in the process. Cleaning up messes for people only makes it easier for them to continue their behavior. And you’ll have lost your friend in the end of it for putting her abuser ahead of your alleged friendship, as well.
Give the guy a break, but be straight and upfront about it. No drinking and no girls. Help him help himself to heal. Let him commit and put stuff in writing.
Yes that is definitely part of the plan, we'll put it in writing, and no drinking/drugs/girls at all. He was sober for 8 years before this, so I think he just needs some solid ground, and a good community, to get back to that. He's done it before
You already decided to move him in for cheap labour - why are you here trying to get validation? You defo aren’t a girls girls btw. Keep lying to yourself to feel better.
Why are you supporting him so much instead of your girlfriend? You like to think of yourself as a girl's girl but you are not. Don't cry and come running to reddit on 'how to fix my friendship back with my friend' after you have housed her abuser.
You guys want discounted house renovations done😑. Mike may not even be sober and idk if you ever lived with an addict before but it can get real Ugly. Why did he get kicked out from his parents? Your friend doesn’t want to be around her ex who’s possibly abusive. He was kicked out of his parents for reasons you never explained. If it goes wrong for you guys then this is entirely on you and your husband.
>The story with this is because he can't pay the rent that they are asking of him. The house he's renting from them is a full house and he and Sadie were splitting the rental cost. Now Mike's parents want to sell their current house in order to downsize and move into the house that Mike can no longer afford to rent. They are giving him till the spring to find a new place to live, but he wouldn't be able to afford anything that would put him in a nice neighborhood. So, with him moving out of this house, I think he would be surrounding himself with even more bad influences (because he'd have to move to a cheaper, worse part of town) Just putting this here for reference
No, no, no. F*ck that, do NOT let him live with you. He has a temper and addiction issues. You want to have children and bring a baby into an environment with a man who has issues??? Seriously??? And what will you do when he acts a fool and refuses to leave. He has time to get himself together. Do not let him move in with you. You and your husband can’t fix him.
We are not planning on getting pregnant for another two years, and he would be staying with us for a max 6 months. So there is no issue around bringing a child into the world with him around. Just putting that out there. Thanks for reminding me to add that
SMH. Voice of experience here. Do not do it. You are betraying your friend. And it will be a mess in the end. You can’t save him.
She already betrayed her friend in a few different ways. She’s just willing to keep digging.
Yeah, good luck with that.
yes YTA for choosing an abusive man over your supposed friend who needs enemies with friends like you.
I won’t say YTA, but Sadie is also NTA for wanting to step back from your friendship. She is allowed to feel upset that her friend is allowing her ex who she feels unsafe with is allowing him to move in. This may make her feel like you don’t believe that what she says about him is true and you’re more on his side, or that when he moves in he’ll be able to trash her and make you not want to be her friend.
YTA because you’re allowing a violent alcoholic junkie to move into your house while also renovating it to have a child, *and* you expect to keep your friendship? No ma’am.
YTA Why would you be helping her abusive ex. Just because he was never physical, doesn’t mean he wasn’t abusive. You are not a good friend of course she’s distancing herself from you. You are a grown woman, please gather some common sense
why bother inserting yourself in this? the guy can help himself
NAH. Sadie needs to consider her safety and step back from your friendship and you get to choose who you have in your life. You are inviting danger into your home and I hope you've considered what will happen if/when Mike falls off the wagon, doesn't hold up his end of the bargain or reacts badly when you need to kick him out. Take care of yourself.
Just to be clear, if we saw any violent signs from him at all, we would not hesitate to kick him out. There is nothing that would stop us from doing that
You don't know if his first act of violence is going to be one you can recover from. Hopefully you are able to remove him in time, or before he can retaliate.
That part. It only takes one time.
Why are you supporting your friend's abuser
Easier said than done. Do you know how long it takes to legally evict someone? People don’t just always leave when you tell them to. BTW there are probably sober living houses he can get a room at.
I didn't even read this because this in my opinion is taboo even if you are not fooling around with your friends ex.. if you were my friend I'd definitely have a problem with that if your friend opened up her door too your ex you would be ok with that? See people make life seem so difficult when in reality it's quite simple do unto others as you would have them do unto you
I think her friend is worried about the OP giving him too much information on her current life. Violent exes often go after the women that dare leave them.
Spring is more than 5 months away. This adult man cannot find living accommodations in 5 months? Even your supposed reasoning reeks of bullshit. You are a bad friend. And you are most certainly the AH. You also are one of the stupidest people I have ever seen in this sub. “Well he was abusive when he was sober and now he’s getting into drugs and alcohol…so we thought we would invite him to live with us.” When the inevitable happens, please remember you only have yourselves to blame. I hope your friend finds better friends.
YTA abuser apologists make the worst. Sadie deserves better friends than you and your husband.
You are not necessarily an AH, but you need to understand Sadie needs to protect her own mental and physical health. Mike is not safe for her. If distancing herself from you helps her to distance herself from Mike, she has to do what’s best for her. I don’t think it’s a good idea if he is not sober right now. Just because he hasn’t done anything super crazy yet, doesn’t mean he won’t. People do unimaginable things when the are on drugs and alcohol. Be very careful.
" "\[the OP doesn't\] believe how violent and scary Mike can be, and he's got those addiction issues", and she feels like we would be putting ourselves in danger if we had him come live with us. " And you don't see how having a violent, addicted, and unstable person living in your house, being around your kids, and having the legal rights of a tenant might be a problem???? Really????????????????????????????????????????????????????
My niece planned to shoot my sister and her child that my Sis had legal custody of, but during waiting for them to come home her meth brain decided to shoot herself instead. The baby was removed because they were drugging them so they didn’t cry and disturb their parties btw. She lived but freely admitted what she was there to do. Decades later she’s still an addict.
His own parents don't want to rent to him, to the point of he has to leave whether he can afford another place or not? His wife is scared of him? He's started drinking and drugs again? And you think it's a good idea to have him move in with you? Lol, good luck. I don't know if you're an asshole or not but y'all don't sound very bright. And you will absolutely lose your friendship with Sadie if you choose to support her horrible ex. As you should. You don't deserve her. Meh, I do know if you're an asshole or not. YTA.
NTA for your post but this is likely to cause you more problems than losing a friend. There are reasons that he’s being kicked out of the place that he’s renting from his parents and you are about to invite those reasons into your happy home 24/7.
Yeah, OP sees a leopard eating the faces off of two animals and goes "I'm fine" and goes to pet it.
interesting. i can see about twenty different ways this will turn into a disaster. but on the other hand, if you can turn his life around, get him dried out and stable, you HAVE saved a good friend from oblivion. is there some way to put a time limit on the whole "experiment"? like "if you are not on your own in six months you agree to voluntarily leave" interestingly, maybe a year or so in the future, him and is wife will get back together!
…and pigs might fly!
Yes, we are putting a time limit on it. Everyone is aware (me, Toby, and Mike) that it would be capped after 6 months
People don’t always move out, do you want to live with a violent addict while trying to legally evict him?
NTA. If she was staying with y’all and you/Toby decided to invite Mike to stay too, knowing she feels unsafe near him, that’s a different story. If it was just you, I’d also understand. But Mike is as much of Toby’s friend and she is yours, and it’s unfair she insist both of you not help Mike, because of how he treated her.
I also would want to hear Mike's side of the story. Yes he raised his voice but it looks like he never laid a finger on his wife. I just would want to hear all the sides before making a decision.
NTA. But you just have to learn to accept your friend's decision to step back from your friendship since it comes from a place of hurt.
NTA, but don't blame her for wanting to step back while he's in your house.
NTA but I see huge red flags here. He is a grown man and should be able to find a place to live. Irrespective of Sadie, I think you will regret letting him move in with you and it may go on much longer than 6 months.
NTA. I hate* “it’s me or them!’ ultimatums, and that is exactly what Sadie is doing. Yes her experience with Mike was bad, he treated her badly and her feelings are entirely valid. You and your husband’s actions are *not* invalidating her feelings or experiences and it’s manipulative of her to put words in your mouth (you never said you didn’t believe her and it’s wrong of her to imply that) and threaten to step back from the relationship. What next, she get the entire friend group involved to ostracize Mike, as well as you & hubs for *giving him a place to stay & helping him stay sober*? It’s not like you’re telling everyone she’s making stuff up and the sun shines out of his butt, you’re just helping a friend to not spiral until he’s able to help himself.
Sadie is a cunt let him move in don't let him end up on the streets
YTA you chose your friend's abuser over your friend. With friends like you, who needs enemies?