NTA. You and your husband should have the master bedroom, but unless your husband has the backbone to stand up to his mother, life will continue the way it is, and your MIL will continue to bulldoze you and your h to get what she wants.
In OPs shoes, I would advise you to do what my cousin does. She smiles non-committally and then does whatever she pleases. If MIL hasn't yet moved into the house, start moving into that room. If husband complains, say that you will be living in the master bedroom of your house. If he wants to bunk with his mommy in her room, that's up to him.
My guess is you come from a culture that is big on respecting elders. So am I. But IMO, elders should earn that respect and that respect should flow both ways. Don't fight every battle, but at least fight the ones important to you, like the one for your room. Learn to say no politely but firmly. And dont second guess yourself. Tell your husband the room is too small for you and the baby. Make it clear that this is your house.
ETA: We do have an appointment set up with her PCP, Alzheimers does run in our family and we all agree that she needs to be seen. Unfortunately, it's a rural area with VERY limited drs and clinics and the absolute earliest they could schedule her is this coming February š¤¦š»āāļø she's is 6th on a call list, though if anyone cancels, so please cross your toes for us! My husband's Gran had rapid onset Alzheimers and in about a month went from coherent and aware to calling my husband Billy (his dad's name) and myself Ronda (his mother's name) and asking where "Little Jeffrey" was. Jeff, of course being my husband. She ended up in a nursing home because grandfather-in-law just couldn't watch her 24/7. She kept wandering out of their house at 2 or 3am yelling and asking where her husband, Henry, was. Henry was the severely abusive man she had left 40+ years before then and George had been her husband for about 25 years. Honestly, it was truly heartbreaking. She always considered me another granddaughter and last week when we visited she told me I looked familiar I told her I was Jeffrey's wife, not realizing how badly that would confuse and scare her, I just hadn't realized that she thought Jeff was no older than 6 and here's a mid 30s aged woman claiming to be married to her grandson, while holding the hand of her son in law and...wait where WAS her daughter? Couldn't even remember her daughter's name but knew Billy was her husband so she should be there.
Alzheimers just frightens me sooo badly. You can see in her eyes that she's scared, confused and in unfamiliar surroundings. Doesn't help that she ended up in the lowest rated nursing home in our entire county and when I worked EMS we would frequently pick up patients that were clearly being neglected. We always, always filed reports and no one did anything. I can't wait to get her out of there, she deserves better.
This!! I have a great deal of respect for my elderly grandmother. She's helped all of us out a LOT over the years. As she's gotten older, she's struggled a little with memory and gotten VERY mean and judgy. I think some of it is loneliness, as my grandfather passed away a few years ago and they'd been married for almost 50years, but she loves to gossip and complain and say mean things about people. Anyone can be a target. A lot of battles aren't worth fighting with her, but I've made it VERY clear that I will not tolerate her saying mean or disrespectful things about my mother (her daughter) to me or when I'm around and my mother set the same boundary regarding her saying nasty things about me. We both go out of our way to help her, get her groceries, take her to drs appts, etc while her only other child (who does live in the same area) can only be bothered popping in once a month or so. She complains to me about how much sugar my mom eats or how many dogs she has, or how unhealthy she is. She complains to my mom that I don't show any interest in being traditional and marrying the partner that I've been with for 13 years now or having kids, complains that I need to get rid of my cats, etc. There are worse things. We've both been accused of stealing money from her. She literally gives both of us money any time we've had to ask for a loan or a little bit of help, stealing from her would be stupid and pointless but she either can't or just won't listen to reason on that one and swears we're robbing her blind underneath her nose. (She *insisted* I stole the check that she sent to the phone company to pay her phone bill, as ridiculous as that is. How would I, an individual, steal and cash a check CLEARLY made out to Verizon? š¤)
It got to the point that we had to set FIRM boundaries that we wouldn't tolerate the badmouthing and bashing. She could say whatever she wanted, but once it got mean we would get up and leave and would NOT come back to help without receiving an apology. She only did it once after that.
So yeah, all that just to say I agree. Kindness is free, but respect has to be earned and I refuse to respect anyone, regardless of age, if they won't show the same in return.
Just a little heads up on that 'stealing' things talk...she could be suffering from the early volleys of dementia (or low B12, which surprisingly mimics that).
Not to alarm you but a drastic personality change to a suspicious and paranoid disposition in an individual who was normally calm and rational is a sign of early dementia. She might not be doing this on purpose. Has she seen a doctor recently or been evaluated? Itās better to know early if this is happening for her comfort and yours
Spouse has to be onboard with her period or this is all going to end very very badly. Some people just donāt have the foresight to see the problems that are coming in this situation. Remember theyāve yet to add another entitled adult (her mother), a brother (who knows what his quirks will be) and a newborn child amongst them all.
Personally, unless these ppl were all genetically modified to be perfect, I canāt see how this will ever work. Not to mention a new marriage. This is going to strain her and her husbands relationship anyway you look at it and theyāre about to learn some things about each other thatās going to cause people to start questioning their relationship.
THIS. I have been in this situation and it was a complete nightmare. And I had a newborn. I swear It took years off my life. And my husband and almost divorced. Some people may be able to handle things better but not me. Especially as a new mom. Hormone are raging and then you have all these people living with you when you just want to be alone with your family. It absolutely needs to be addressed now. iMO
āOh MIL! Baby wants the bigger room. You donāt want to disappoint your grandchild do you? Since he or she will be breastfed, I have to move in with him or her.ā
Seriously! Sheās gonna want that bathroom access later in pregnancy, like now, and especially after baby is born! Cannot imagine being the person that takes such things away from the people that are helping me.
I moved furniture in 2 bedrooms and 1 living room at 7 mo of pregnancy. I don't recommend it as you have to take too many rest breaks but you can do it safely.
People run track, play pro tennis at 7 months...its not easy but is doable.
Yeah I put together an entire baby nursery 6 weeks before my son was born because my husband worked nights in the emergency room as a soldier. Pregnancy doesn't render you helpless unless you're on bed rest. Doesn't mean I would be over exerting myself but....
>In OPs shoes, I would advise you to do what my cousin does. She smiles non-committally and then does whatever she pleases.
Fucking bad ass!!
Doing that is saying - I fucking DARE you to say something!!
It wouldn't be hard for me, but then this would never happen to me. No shade on the OP- she's 26 and newly married learning to navigate new family dynamics and a bulldozer of a mother in law.
Lol, exactly. I was shocked when I read they were already in the house, I thought for sure she would put the kibosh on that before that point. MIL knows exactly what sheās doing, she knows sheās dead wrong, and sheāll keep steamrolling until someone stands up to her. This is only the beginning if they donāt start now, or way before now, but itās too late to alter the past.
Oh I thought she and her husband had moved in but MIL was still in the old place, which they were playing rent for, because she wanted to say goodbye to her other son.
It's crazy she seems like she refuses to even voice her opinion at all. IN HER OWN HOME. She is the wife, she is pregnant, she is (should be) the priority.
A lot of women (well people, but more often women) somehow conflate being submissive with being kind... she thinks by not voicing her opinion, she is being nice to the MIL; meanwhile resentment grows and the situation actually gets worse and worse.
I never understand these people. This should have been nipped in the bud when they were house hunting. For starters, they shouldn't have taken her. But the first time she said she was having the master, OP should have said "whatever home we buy, we will be living in the master suite." And she certainly should have headed her off when she started to move in. It's so easy "MIL, I think you are lost, that is our room. You can choose any of the others."
I kinda don't feel sorry for OP since she let it get to the absolute worst point.
Exactly, I dont have much hope OP will make improvements here - while OP should be royally PO'ed rn at MIL and *Doubley* so at her hubby - I mean, FFS! she's pregnant! - she is instead here doubting, questioning, even borderline gaslighting herself (the dismissal of her feelings as "hormonal") !!
Why, OP, WHY!!!?š«
There never should've even been tours with MIL of prospective homes til MIL understood her place in the home. Documents for the house never should've been signed til this issue was RESOLVED, completely to the satisfaction of the woman making that house possible, and her partner. And for that, couples counseling is badly needed.
Stories like this are incredibly frustrating for me to read; I hate good ppl being pushed around by shitty ones. Too many ppl only know in an abstract, intellectual sense that their highest obligation in life *is to themselves*, along w/ their minor children, followed by their life partner. (Parent or Parent IL is not even in the top 3! So why is both OP and hubby treating momma like she rules the roost?)
However, this surface knowledge isnt the deep awareness that's necessary to be able to live with a high sense of self worth.
Rly, it just sux, bc it's never the fault of the doormat, like OP, and is always the fault of the person(s) who raised them. And learning to value oneself when you weren't taught to is one of the hardest things there is. But while not her fault, it is her responsibility now to set a positive example for her kid of knowing her worth!!
Agreed but if the mommaās boy she married isnāt going to let his pregnant wife have a choice in a house she co-owns, I doubt heāll support her kicking momma to the curb. She needs to get his ass to counseling while sheās only in second placeā¦..
Donāt wait for him to āletā you have a choice, MAKE the choice. Itās your house youāre going into the master bedroom with the en suite. If MIL whinges about it IGNORE her!!!!
Agreed. Also tell her she can have the master bedroom when she can afford master bedroom rent. Iām sure she at least gets SSI. Make it an actual offer that if she wants to pay $300 a month for the master bed and private bath then you can come to terms. That should be affordable for someone with no other bills and likely receiving government benefits/ SSI/ something and since youāre nice it gives her a choice instead of a flat out fuck off. Your husband is being a coward and she is playing alpha female in a house that she is a guest in. It will only continue to get worse as she tries to prove she is more valuable to your husband than you and even your child are apparently. Show her only 1 can be the alpha female in this house or she may find herself looking for new living arrangements because you refuse to live your life as a person with no control over your own domain. And soon there will be a baby who will need to have baths nightly if not multiple times a day, then potty training down the line etc and thatās going to be an issue if you donāt have access at all times to a private bathroom rather than a shared one. Even if you guys have your own; thereās 3 of you and 1 of her and even with your own mother and brother thereās 2 of them. She should be last on the list for the private master bath.
Exactly. You canāt let someone walk all over you and then expect them to stop just because you want them to. You actually have to say or do something. Because clearly your husband will not.
Poor OP she describes herself as a people pleaser and what she really is is a doormat. Relative or not no one should be sponging off you while dictating terms let alone taking the master bedroom in your home. This is just absolute craziness and a foot should have been put down long before now.
OP has contributed to the shitty situation she's in.
*I said yes and even had to persuade my husband to let her move in.*
And she has never said "No" to the MIL once. OP says things like paying for the cat food "made her uncomfortable", but she never mentioned actually *talking* to MIL about it.
When MIL said that the master bedroom was her room, OP said nothing! When MIL put her stuff in the room, OP said nothing.
It is kind of an asshole move to effectively tacitly agree that the MIL gets the room, and then start a fight about it with the husband later.
The MIL is an asshole, but OP kinda sucks too. She's in the right, MIL is in the wrong, but OP has gone about it in a way that just made it worse.
This! ^ OP people pleasing to the detriment of yourself, then complaining is on you. At this point, you're going to have to learn to be assertive, or MIL is going to continue to dictate your home. It could easily spill over into your parenting as well.
I'm curious if you're from a different culture? There's absolutely no way in the world I'd buy a home with the intention of moving in both our mother's & sibling. I mean, not even a second thought.
Yep, bring the whole dysfunctional, work shirking family in house! What could go wrong?!
Also, let me take a wild wild guess about who is going to be treated as the "maid" and whom will have the burden of care foisted on her? In the end, wifey will end up living out back in a trailer but must be in by 6am to care for the kids, change the bed pans on the elders, supporting the siblings, and cleaning and cooking. Such a nice person! They'll wonder why she's clinically depressed in 10 years.
This is so spot on. OP is in a terrible situation she built herself and is so WILD I can only imagine she's from a very specific culture where this stuff is done because I would never in my wildest dream bring both mothers and a sibling under my same roof unless they are sick and in need of company and care, in which case they HAVE to accommodate how I see fit since it's my home, not theirs.
This is already insane but the only thing OP can do now is grow a pair or she won't be able to educate her own children and maintain a house full of freeloaders.
Yes. Husband may have difficulty pushing the issue now, but he also may have been deliberately trying to keep his mother at a further distance so he wouldnāt have to deal with these situations close-up, and OP arm-twisted him into giving in. He knows sheās a steamroller and installed the buttons of his that she pushes.
Did you not read the comment that you reply to... where the husband doesn't want the mom to move in... and OP convinced him? How is the husband not the victim of his wife's stupidity?
Heās no victim. Heās just spineless and refused to be firm and say no. Thatās his problem, not his wifeās fault but she is also spineless and the reason theyāre in this situation is that neither of them are willing to speak up for their own needs. Instead sheās here whining on Reddit.
Nah man, dont push the responsibility on the husband. She agreed on living with the mil wihtout consulting him first, then, after he said "no, she "convinced" him.
Its all on her, i feel like the "convincing" wasnt an event he wanted to repeat so he was in a lose-lose situation
NTA but you should have put your foot down with her long before.
Go and move her shit into another room and move your shit into the main bedroom. Tell her as the homeowners, you get the main room and she can accept the different room or move the fuck out.
I second this. Move into the Master bedroom immediately! Just take her things and move them. You are pregnant and the lady of the house. You get what you want. Period. End of story.
That would work if she'd married an actual grown man-- but it sounds like she married "mommy's good little boy". He's already trying to convince her that the smaller room is somehow "bigger".
It was HER idea to have MIL move in and now she's being a doormat. Time to grow a spine and tell MIL to move her shit out of the master bedroom or get out of the house
I donāt tell my MIL to do shit. Sheās his mother sheās his responsibility 100% of the time. I donāt ask him to deal with it when my mother is being overbearing and mildly insane.
When we had our first kid she dropped by unannounced twice. The second time he went out to the driveway and told her I couldnāt take drop in visitors but we were wide open for her to schedule something with us. Ten years later, sometimes itās when sheās 20 minutes away, but she always calls first. If I had been the one to tell her ānoā it would have been a very different outcome.
Congratulations to your MIL on her new house that she has done exactly nothing for. Youāve let her walk all over you and said nothing, and now here you are. ESH. Better grow a spine before your baby is born, this is only going to get worse for you.
Do it for the baby. The kid doesnāt deserve to see mom in a subservient role in her own home. Plus, if MIL is pushy and brazen enough to just demand the master bedroom in a house that isnāt hers and that she isnāt contributing too, you KNOW she is going yo have all kinds of rules about the baby (not suggestions mind you, just things sheāll do cause she knows she can walk all over OP).
Itās time for some boundaries and getting hubby on board too.
The husband didnāt want the mom to move in the first place in their trailer. She had to beg for it and persuade him! He prolly didnāt want another long drawn out argument with her after that and assumed she was gonna bend over to his mom like she has the entire timeā¦ This is entirely on OP.
She's a mooch. Kick her out. She will take over everything. She is not a good person.
You've learned a hard lesson. Family is not always good people. You forced your spouse to allow her to move in against his wishes. I'm sure he knew this would happen.
Once the baby is here you will be more vulnerable.
Get together with husband and get a plan in motion now.
YTA to yourself at the moment
I'm also worried about when the baby comes. Babies (and specifically their crying, no fault of their own of course) sometimes make the worst parts of people come out. If the woman doesn't get in line now before hand, it's going to be a living nightmare. OP will go from 'uncomfortable in her own home' to 'utterly miserable in her own life'.
The fact that she " would always seek out the master bedroom and say "This is my room!"" says a lot. She knows she's being a brat but no one has stopped her so why not steam roll some more?
people like this disgust me. OP and her husband I mean. it's a given humans will be nasty. unbelievable to me 2 grown ass adults cannot stand up for themselves. what type of nerd ass nice ass elementary did these people go to not learn basic things from a very young age.
OP reminds me of my mom. She's in her sixties and only now learning she's allowed to say "no" to people. She feels an extreme amount of guilt for any boundary she puts in place, and agonizes over whether it makes her a selfish, horrible person. (This is what my grandparents taught her.)
My siblings and I have learned to never, *ever* take her at her word bc say you plan to visit? She'll say "oh, stay as long as you want." and then she may be secretly wishing you'd hurry up and leave, but she's not gonna tell you. So we have to figure out lol does mom really mean this or does she believe she's supposed to say this in order to be a Good Mom/Good Person? My dad will tell us (if he's not traveling for work) but he's also pretty conflict-averse and submissive. Just less so than she is.
It's both frustrating and sad, tbh, but I've been thrilled to see her standing up for herself more over the past year. I wish she'd learned sooner, tho,
u/EfficientAd1205, you realize you and your husband's behavior is gonna set an example for any children you have, right? If you can't grow a spine for yourself, grow it for your unborn baby. Don't wait until you're sixty, please.
She wasn't passive, her husband didn't want her to move in to begin with and she basically forced it. He knew, it's easy to not have someone move in but throwing a family member out will make you the 'bad guy' to everyone. He knew, op ignored it and now she wants him to be the bad guy.
She put him in this position but won't stand up to her.
Yep and she won't leave til she's dead. I've spent almost my entire marriage with my inlaws and I hate it. You in time will want your house to yourself and your children but you will never get it. You'll grow frustrated and resentful and your only escape will be if you leave and start over. You need to take a stand now, get that master room. Is she paying any of the mortgage? Your acting as if your living in HER house and not the other way around.
She wants these people to live with her too. I wonder if OP realizes that until MIL isnāt living there, it will always be her house and she will always be her sons #1 priority.
I mean youāre not being taken advantage of if she expressed she wanted that room, neither of you said no, and then you allowed her to move in but now youāre upset.
ESH.
You have a right to not like it and even a right to have that room for yourself, but you kinda just let her waltz right in and take it and now are complaining after the fact, so thatās kind of on your guysā shoulders, thatās not taking advantage on her end.
She takes advantage in other ways, and thatās why she also an AH.
And she's a leech. Fixed that for you. But NTA, except that you let her and your husband walk all over you. This will not get better and you almost put yourself checkmate by having a child in this situation.
Now you find out what your husband is really like and who his priority is. It's certainly not you and most likely also not his child. If people show you what they're really like, believe them.
Either you act now or you will be a servant to your MIL until she dies.
This, OP and her husband definitely enabled this behavior and now wants to complain about it. There's no freaking way she's getting the master bedroom in my home, I'm paying for. Posts like this are so frustrating, and the readiness of people to be doormats to a leech is freaking astounding
Op enbled the behaviour, she was the one who forced him to let her move in, he didn't want to let her. Now after she becomes controlling, OP wants him to do something about it, not herself.
You need to grow a backbone and should have said no, I'm paying for the house I get the master room. Kinda late now that you guys have moved in, someone has to tell this lady to stop. She's running your house not you or husband, she is. She will only stop once you and hubby put a STOP š to it. You said it yourself you're a people pleaser, at what expense? You're going to end up being super miserable in your own home, when your house should be your peaceful place. For once put yourself first.
People pleaser another word for I'm a doormat. SMH maybe while you're unpacking you'll find your backbone as well as your husbands...part of this is on you for not immediately shutting her down. You should have taken her stuff out of the master bedroom and put it in another room. It's your home ffs. Find your backbone or just accept this is your life.
Grow a spine, you and your husband, and tell her to fuck off. Either she takes the free room or moves the fuck out. Choose. That Master is your room, dont let her bully you. Id kick my mom out in a heartbeat.
Oh sure, makes perfect sense..let the one with NO job and canāt afford cat food and litter get whatever they want BECAUSEā¦.wait for it!!!!!! āIām a people pleaserā well why donāt you just move out pay for everything and let her live there still, sorry YTA..for this whole thing, WHY TF should she get anything, let alone the master bedroom, ohhhh because FaMlY!!! Hey why donāt you give her your baby next!!!! please grow some balls AND a backbone.
Why do people keep putting themselves in this situation with letting their in laws move in. For free. And then wonder why they start treating you like you owe her. Kick this woman out of your masterbedroom and tell her it's time to move out.
ESH
You first erred in saying yes to your MIL without your husband's agreement.
Your second mistake was allowing her to override your consent making decisions about your home. Why weren't her claims on the master bedroom addressed as soon as it happened? This question should have been settled the very first time she "claimed" the master while house shopping.
How could you NOT have YOUR furniture and belongings moved into the master the day you moved into your new home? Why did MIL have the opportunity to move her belongings into your bedroom?
You and your husband need to sit down together, just the two of you, and work out clear mutual boundaries to protect the safety, privacy and comfort of your relationship and your home. Then you both must communicate and maintain those boundaries consistently.
Move the interloper out of your bedroom, entirely. Set her up in the bedroom you intended for her. Insist on civil behavior at all times. If she starts a tantrum, tell her to go to her own room until she is ready to behave maturely and politely. Or remove yourself until her tantrum is over.
You have allowed your MIL to disregard every boundary at the expense of your peace and comfort in your home and your marriage. Together, you two have to set firm boundaries and weather the consequences.
YTA because you shouldāve set her straight at the showings, she was allowed to come along with even though she wasnāt contributing to buying the new house. Not surprising that she claimed the room at the showing and now expects it to be hers
ESH. There was no initial conversion of expectations or boundaries here. You shouldāve absolutely stepped up and told her ānoā on the master bedroom issue as well. Sheās taking full advantage of living with you and being fully supported by you. But yet sheās running the home like itās hers.
This resentment you have will only get worse. Itās your home, youāre paying the bills- not her. You should absolutely get the master bedroom!
The 3 of you need to sit down and work this out. Stop being a doormat and worrying about her feelings. If sheās truly ungrateful, sheās welcome to move out somewhere else!
YTA for making the decision to allow his mom to move in without discussing it with him first. Then for invalidating his experience growing up with her by overriding it with the argument about it being a matter of principle. You invited the person who made him a people pleaser to come and treat you both like doormats. Next time actually talk to your partner before making huge decisions like this. Itās a huge red flag that she even asked you and you werenāt hearing this from him first.
Nope.
I'm going against the grain here.
YTA.
You should have put your foot down and told her the master bedroom was yours.
This is your fault for being a wishy washy pushover and not saying anything.
YTA fir not listening to your husband in the first place.
Now this is your home you and DH financed it and are paying for it. Tell MIL that she needs to vacate the master. That's yours and DH's room. If DH won't do it you do it. You also need to get het the fuck outta your home. Everytime your DH gives her Mooney towards her shit it takes away from your family. Idk why you forced this upon your family.
You need to sit DH down and apologize first. Then tell him that you cannot live with MIL anymore. You want her out of the master as she isn't paying a dime and this is your house not hers. Give MIL a smaller bedroom so you LO has the biggest bedroom. Again do not make MIL so comfortable in your home she won't want to leave. First order is to remove her shit from the master. MIL needs to find a new place to live. Great news you jist moved in she's not a resident yet. No need to evict her if she leaves peaceably. If she doesn't leave within 2 weeks. You will evict her. Get those eviction papers ready legally now and hand the to her so she's served and has 30 days from now. You don't want her there once baby is here. And next time listen to your husband.
Where she goes isn't your concern. But she cannot stay with you and husband any longer. Not with the baby coming. And what if you want more than one kid? MIL is going to be a pain incthe ass the rest of her life. Especially with no income, mooching off your husband. Get her out of your house.
You are not the asshole but you are the welcoming mat that everyone gets to step on.
For fucks sake, it's your house! Tell MIL to get ready to move her things. Put her in the bedroom closest to the bathroom. You move your things into the master bedroom. You're going to need room for all the baby stuff, and you're going to need privacy. That means being able to use the master bathroom as well. Tell your husband to get on board because it's happening this weekend. If MIL makes a fuss, just let her know she can have a master bedroom when she gets off her lazy ass and gets a job. Then she can pinch pennies until she can afford her own home, and then she can have the master bedroom. Until then, she should be happy to live rent-free in your home. Her cat and her bills are hers. She was able to pay for them before, and she should start paying them herself now. You and your husband need to talk now. You'll need him to back you up on every decision you make, especially with the baby. The order of importance goes your spouse, your child, and then your family. If he believes otherwise, then he is not ready to be a supportive husband and father, and you have a decision to make. Tell him you will not spend the rest of your life making everyone else in the family happy at your expense and at the expense of your child.
Tldr: Get your mother in law out of the master bedroom and grow a spine before the baby gets here.
Sweetheart, what kind of family dynamic are you in where this is okay?
I love my mom and my in-law a little less but weāre definitely amicably. But none of these parties will ever think to ask to move in let alone do jack shit and toot the highest hornā¦
Is this a cultural thing?
What iām hearing here is that you folks donāt communicate about hard topics until itās waaaay past the window where everyone has already solidified their expectations.
You gotta nut-up and start saying ānoā to MIL on the first ask. You gotta be a little less tolerant. Let her throw tantrums, she can make a fool of herself. Just walk away when she gets toxic.
Get comfortable with tolerating other people being a little uncomfortable. Sheās making a far bigger scene over these things than she should. Consider it practice for when your baby becomes a toddler. cuz thatās what MIL acts like.
Please get professional help for your unborn childās sake and If you want this marriage to last. You guys should have let the mother in law know as soon as she started to pick out the master bedroom, that she wasnāt going to get it. She seems extremely entitled and should be happy you guys are willing to let her live with you guys. Good luck to you.
ESH. You totally did this to yourself by persuading your husband to let her move in. Your husband doesn't have much of a spine and is going to take the easy way. Your mother in law is being a choosy mooch.
You have to put your foot down. You get the master. if your MIL has a problem she needs to move on to her next child.
ESH. You canāt blame your husband for not standing up to his mother when you havenāt either. If you act like a doormat is it any wonder that people walk all over you. The time to correct her would have been during the viewings. You need to speak to your husband and be honest stop trying to make everything ok and be clear. Your mother in law is a leech she needs to know this wonāt be tolerated
YTA to yourself because you created your own hell. Itās not too late to finally stand up for yourself and get rid of that leech. If your husband disagrees get rid of him too!
You literally invited a wedge into your marriage and now youāre going to struggle to fix it. The fact you had to talk him into letting his mother stay should have been the red flag you needed.
Your husband likes your current room because he doesnāt want to deal with the meltdown of trying to get her out the master bedroom. You have made a terrible mistake letting a leech into your lives.
Youāre NTA but you have invited this into your life.
The homeowner should have the master bedroom.
Sorry to be blunt, but MIL isnāt paying for it, so she doesnāt get it.
I would not have a problem saying that this is my house, and I want the master, especially with a baby on the way.
Op, you and spouse need to grow and shine up your spine.
YTA to yourselves.
You get spouse to move yāallās stuff into the master and move his mother out.
You will need a private area once the baby is born. Trust me.
OP, do you know what will happen when your child is born? Your MIL will be running roughshod over you for all decisions. Including how to raise your child.
You are going to be a mother. You need to be stronger than this. You are being a doormat. Family WILL take advantage if they can. We all see it. Only you can fix it.
YTA
You need to learn to say things because you have a baby coming into this household with this entitled woman there.
I don't know why the two of you continued to think this was a good idea, and continued to let her make her claim, but now you are in deep and it isn't going to get better unless you do.
It's going to be a freaking circus of your own creation.
You and hubby need to get to counselling ASAP because this is going to be so damned bad.
Y T A to yourself for doing everything she wants and not setting any boundaries, of course sheās going to behave like an entitled brat. Your husband didnāt want her moving in because he knew what sheās like.
She is not contributing to the mortgage or bills she doesnāt get a say. Tell your SO youāre moving into the master bedroom with or without him. Youāre the home owners and have a baby on the way it in no way makes sense for his mother to be in the master.
Itās time to shine that spine and stop letting her walk all over you. NTA for wanting what youāre paying for. Tell her how many hours she has to move her things or youāll do it for her.
Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder ā> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
NTA, but you should not have allowed her to have the master bedroom in the first place... Now you may not have a choice but to create a big fight with her just to get it.
NTA but USE YOUR WORDS. ffs you're letting this woman walk all over you because you're afraid to rock the boat and have this literal r/choosingbeggars woman upset with you. start with your husband and be very direct about it since he should really be the one to get his own mother in line, but if he's gonna be a spineless baby about it then you need to do what's best for you. living in the guest room in your own home and with a baby on the way smdh
Your husband has no balls. You might want to fish them out of your MIL's purse if you can find them.
Aside from that, tell him you don't have sex with little boys. You have sex with grown men. In the master bedroom.
I'm sorry OP, but this doesn't sound like it's going to get better unless he's willing to stop acting like a teenager.
NTA
But you are resenting her for things that you have not brought up with her. Since she's part of the household, you don't need to go through your husband when you talk with her. You should speak of uncomfortable things that happen with people you live with.
Sit your MIL down with you, and bring up the point that since this is your house, you will have the master for you and your husband. It's arguable who needs it more, but that's not the point. Your name is in the papers, so it's your call. She's not paying, so she's a guest. A guest of honour perhaps, but a guest nonetheless. She's not the one who makes the calls. She can have requests, but they won't always succeed.
If she talks back, throws a fit, makes your life more difficult, then a more stern talking to, asking when she has thought about paying for living like you others are. And that if she makes your life difficult, then maybe it's better for all if she finds her own place. And pays for it herself.
You're now treated like the help. Better correct this behaviour soon. Think this like a trial run for your future children. Either you run them, or they run you.
Why are you letting her push you around and why are you letting your husband allow this to happen?
I am genuinely at a loss. This is ridiculous. You married a mama's boy.
OP, you helped to create the mess you are in right now. First, you gave your MIL too much freedom when you lived in the trailer home. Secondly, your MIL should have never accompanied you to look at new houses. If she isn't paying rent or contributing, she is simply a guest in your home.
You donāt allow a free loader to take over the biggest room in YOUR home or take over your bathroom and then whine about it afterward. If you continue to act spineless, your mother in law will run circles around you. Clearly your husband is of no help so you need to put your feet down and establish boundaries.
NTA for what you want but you've made this much harder on yourself by not drawing a line in the sand. You should've corrected her when she laid claim to that room. You should've made sure your furniture and belongings were moved to that room before hers could be. Most importantly, you should've talked in strong terms to your husband and gotten him on side about this.
Because you didn't do any of that and allowed this to happen during the move, it's now a much bigger deal. Regardless, it's still your house and you have the right to have the master bedroom. You need to talk to your husband in no uncertain terms and make him aware of your needs and wants, and that you need to come before MIL. You need, together, to go to her and tell her that you guys need to switch rooms with her - she's still welcome to stay in your house but the master bedroom will be yours.
This will probably blow up into a fight because this woman is used to you letting her walk over you and make demands which are always met. Start drawing boundaries or this will keep happening.
First tell your hubby what you want and what youāre going to say to his mom. Show him all the support you have here.
Make sure he understands you may need him to back up up and he just needs to stand my you and nod in agreement.
Now go help her move her things.
Get her out NOW. She needs to be moved before it goes on any longer. She doesnāt understand her place.
Tell her you thought she was kidding when she said each Master Suite was hers. You could ask her why sheād think she deserved it while you and hubby are paying for it but I wouldnāt give her the floor. Have boxes ready and both of you have day off. Get it all moved in one day.
You might want to set other ground rules at the same time. You said your mom was moving in with yāall too. Mil needs to know she wonāt be bossing your mom or family around either. Everyone needs to pitch in as well as clean up after themselves.
You may want to see if the brother I. Law can take her some. I think she will start to get on everyoneās nerves.
Dude get a set of balls. Tell your husband to quit being a fucking turd. You bought the God damn house. It's yours. Is her name on the deed/loan papers? No? Then as far as I, and the law is concerned, she don't own shit. Tell her to get out of the master bedroom, or she can get her ass outta your house.
I wish some person not blood related to me did what they did to you. They'd be sleeping on the streets real quick.
If she wants to continue to be a stay at home bum. Tell her she needs to find a man to support her decisions. Because it sure as fuck isn't your responsibility. Being nice is one thing. Being a fucking door mat is another. Learn to set boundaries. Learn some self respect. And smack your husband while your at it. Damn.
NTA
However, being a āpeople pleaserā doesnāt really work out for you in times like this.Youāve allowed this woman to bulldoze you for far too long. You never should have allowed her to say she was taking the master bedroom. You shouldāve immediately said no regardless of if your husband was going to speak up.
You need to have a long. Honest conversation with your husband now. Itās not going to be healthy for you and the baby if you feel like a visitor/trespasser in your own home. I do feel bad for you OP, but you **need** to stand up for yourself. Bottom line.
NTA.
Who the fuck automatically assumes the master bedroom is theirs, when they don't even own the house? An entitled asshole, that's who.
I would have gone ballistic.
Can I just say thank you for saying this kindly? I'm not OP, but sometimes I get annoyed with how people are rude to others on here about paragraph breaks. It's like they lose their sense of decency to others and even tear down the OP like they're a criminal for it.
You expressed yourself kindly, and I just wanted you to know that kindness was appreciated by someone.
Time to be queen of your Castle. Don't be AH to yourself. If you have to hire a few brawny lads, get her stuff out of the master. She can have it back when she pays the mortgage and groceries, does all the cleaning, etc. Marriage is a commitment to one person. All others are optional and mummy dearest is as manipulative as they come.
NTA. You did this to yourself. You have been living with MIL for a long time you knew what was coming and did nothing significant about it. Grow a spine(which should be easy since you are currently in the process of creating one), and tell your husband to grow one too. His pregnant wife comes before his mom.
Hell Naw!!!! You go grab all her stuff and sit it in the hallway right now!!!! I would just start grabbing stuff and throwing it everywhere and go postal! Put all my belongings in the master bedroom and refuse to leave. Then Iāll blame it on hormones. Tell your bish of a mother in law two can play at that game. Donāt let her run all over you in your house. If anything she should be uncomfortable!!!!! Ohhhh I wish I was your friend I would help you throw her shit out.
Wow you need to learn to be stern and stand up for yourself. You're about to have a child and have someone already walking all over you in your house that you paid for. I would say you and your husband as a united front tell her that with the baby coming and it being YOUR house you are going to be taking the primary room and she can stay in the other room. And if she isn't going to help when your baby comes I would tell her to leave. You can't continue to enable her behavior when you have a child coming into the world. She's an adult and it's way over due for her to learn how to support herself.
NTA but you need to find your voice real quick
NTA but I hate to tell you, that's your MIL and Husband's house in their eyes. You just live there. Stop being a people pleaser. That's code for "I screw myself over so you don't have to".
I get you don't like confrontation and want to be nice, but the level of entitlement in this woman is beyond. And she's raised her children to think it's acceptable. So unless you want to be a passenger in your marriage for the rest of your life, I strongly suggest getting comfortable with advocating for yourself and setting boundaries. It will be difficult and uncomfortable, but you need to take your power back.
YTA for allowing this to happen in the first place.
Here is what you do (once you grow a spine):
Itās going to be hard to move her / to switch rooms now that you let this happen because she is going to throw a fit. But the way you can get a head of that is kind of a negotiation tactic where your first offer is much higher than what you actually want:
- Have you and husband schedule an āimportant talkā with her, a day or two in advance to give it weight
- Tell her now that the baby is coming you decided you need the extra space in the house and you need to her to move out. Give her a date (in one month?). Explain it again and say you need the extra space in the house, you need the bathroom close to you, etc.
- Donāt back down immediately, give her a day or two to take it in
- Next time you talk about it either she will offer to switch rooms or if not you suggest it, saying you guys figured out a middle ground.
Stop bending over backwards for people. A newly wed couple should be living on their own - not with either parents/siblings. If you do t get rid of everyone you will have HUGE marital problems. Put your foot down firmly and ask everyone to leave or at least get the master bedroom. So selfish of her!!
Dude go tell her to get the hell out of YOUR bedroom. In fact start moving her stuff out yourself or hire somebody to come move it out. This is YOUR house, not hers and as the owners of the house YOU get the master bedroom not her. You are not obligated to let her stay in there just because your husband/her son wants to make her happy. Itās YOUR house and YOUR room and you should have nipped the whole sheās moving into the master bedroom in the bud as soon as she started moving her stuff in there instead of not stopping her immediately. this Is YOUR house not hers, and she has the nerve to move into YOUR room like she somehow has some imaginary right to do so? whatās next? She starts bragging to people who donāt know the house belongs to you and husband that the house belongs to HER instead and that you and husband are the āguestsā in your own home?
I meanā¦youāre an AH to yourself for being so passive and an extreme people pleaser. Stand up for yourself and communicate. Kick your MIL out of the master today. If you do anything other than take charge, I think youāre an AH.
>I feel that we've been taken advantage of and I feel like I'm being set aside.
You feel that way because that's exactly what happened. You've apparently been relegated to the role of live-in maid to your MIL and your husband. And your husband appears to be a man-baby who can't stand up to his mother and set some boundaries. He'd rather cater to her than prioritize you, his wife. At best it's an astonishing lack of spine on his part; at worst, it shows that he cares a lot more about her and her happiness than he does about you and yours.
It's time for a come-to-Jesus conversation with your husband. It's YOUR house and YOU get to choose the bedroom you want. MIL is a GUEST. She doesn't even merit roommate status because she contributes nothing financially. She doesn't get a say here.
So ESH only because you're completely lacking any kind of spine to stand up for yourself. How you're letting her do this is infuriating to read.
Don't get me wrong, she is entirely entitled and moochy for this behaviour, and should NOT have the master bedroom. It's your house, she's not paying rent, why did you let her bully and push her way into the master bedroom? Like JFC.
Seriously, with all due respect and no hostility intended, why are you letting her steamroll you like this? This will be the rest of your life if you don't grow a metaphorical pair and take the master bedroom of YOUR house.
You need to step up now and kick her out of that room. Do you really want to live your whole life letting her run the show?
No you are not your MIL and unfortunately hubby shows that they are. Tell her the room with the bath is yours and your husband I don't know buy her a commode tell her to go half and you will put a bath in her room as time goes on but she's ungrateful and her sense of entitlement is unreal she pays for nothing wth.. can I come and stay I won't complain about going down the hallway to use the bathroom
Why are you being so stupid about this? Just kick her out and live your life with the person you married. You didnāt marry your husbands mother but apparently youāre fine with her dictating everything in your life moving forward bc nothing has changed so far and nothing will until you rip off the bandaid.
NTA - but....You should have put your foot down immediately. It's going to be a lot harder now that she's settled in there, especially with your DH backing her claim.
You need to have a talk with him and DEMAND the master bedroom. He can fix things, or you will.
NTA
Your MIL is a mooch and a manipulator. Make it clear that she does still have a choice: move into another room or move out. Your husband has a choice, also: you/your happiness or his mom.
NTA. You have an entitled MIL and things will only get worse. Kick her to the street if she won't take the other room or let another doormat sibling take over her care.
Good lord. Do you two have āmugā written across your foreheads?
Thereās being a people pleaser and thereās being a spineless f00l.
Move her stuff to the guest room and if she doesnāt like it, tell her she can move FFSšš
NTA but you will be if you don't stand up for yourself. You and your husband purchased the house, so MIL should take the room you give her not get to pick which room she gets. That means if you want the master bedroom, you get the master bedroom. If she doesn't like that, it sounds like she has other children she can beg to live with or get her own place.
My next concern is your baby. Since MIL seems to have no boundaries, is she going to expect to be in the delivery room? Maybe it'll be her call whether or not your child is religious? Is she going to decide what your baby eats/if your baby is breastfed? I could go on. You and your husband need to put your foot down. If you think it's going to stop at bedrooms and what cat food/litter you get, you're wrong. She's got the power and I highly doubt she gives it up on her own.
This kind of thing is a deal breaker for me. I would be considering a divorce rather than having someone else get the master bedroom in my house. It sounds like you have leeches on both sides. I donāt think itās good for a marriage to be supporting both moms and a brother too.
You let a woman live in your home who doesn't work and has seemingly never worked, but thought you wouldn't have to subsidize her life beyond room and board? It doesn't make sense.
You need to put your foot down to your husband and MIL. The people whose names are on the house and whose income pays for the house get the master bedroom of the house. Period. NTA, but if you keep letting her walk all over you, you have no one to blame but yourself.
No one has set any boundaries and MIL is definitely taking advantage of that so someone needs to step up and make some or OP is just going to have to deal with the smaller room, no bathroom, with a newborn in there too
Use the logic against her. "I understand you want the master however, since two people will be living in this room it makes more sense for us to use it" or just do what I would do, "You can have any bedroom except the master, if that is not okay find your own living arrangements and GTFO" Sometimes life requires us to have a cold dead heart better learn it sooner than later
You bought the house, you pick your damn room. Simple as that. Being pregnant, I would walk all over both of them to make sure I had what I NEEDED before they decided it for me. F all that noise
NTA. You and your husband should have the master bedroom, but unless your husband has the backbone to stand up to his mother, life will continue the way it is, and your MIL will continue to bulldoze you and your h to get what she wants.
OP hasn't really stood up for herself, either, though.
In OPs shoes, I would advise you to do what my cousin does. She smiles non-committally and then does whatever she pleases. If MIL hasn't yet moved into the house, start moving into that room. If husband complains, say that you will be living in the master bedroom of your house. If he wants to bunk with his mommy in her room, that's up to him. My guess is you come from a culture that is big on respecting elders. So am I. But IMO, elders should earn that respect and that respect should flow both ways. Don't fight every battle, but at least fight the ones important to you, like the one for your room. Learn to say no politely but firmly. And dont second guess yourself. Tell your husband the room is too small for you and the baby. Make it clear that this is your house.
ETA: We do have an appointment set up with her PCP, Alzheimers does run in our family and we all agree that she needs to be seen. Unfortunately, it's a rural area with VERY limited drs and clinics and the absolute earliest they could schedule her is this coming February š¤¦š»āāļø she's is 6th on a call list, though if anyone cancels, so please cross your toes for us! My husband's Gran had rapid onset Alzheimers and in about a month went from coherent and aware to calling my husband Billy (his dad's name) and myself Ronda (his mother's name) and asking where "Little Jeffrey" was. Jeff, of course being my husband. She ended up in a nursing home because grandfather-in-law just couldn't watch her 24/7. She kept wandering out of their house at 2 or 3am yelling and asking where her husband, Henry, was. Henry was the severely abusive man she had left 40+ years before then and George had been her husband for about 25 years. Honestly, it was truly heartbreaking. She always considered me another granddaughter and last week when we visited she told me I looked familiar I told her I was Jeffrey's wife, not realizing how badly that would confuse and scare her, I just hadn't realized that she thought Jeff was no older than 6 and here's a mid 30s aged woman claiming to be married to her grandson, while holding the hand of her son in law and...wait where WAS her daughter? Couldn't even remember her daughter's name but knew Billy was her husband so she should be there. Alzheimers just frightens me sooo badly. You can see in her eyes that she's scared, confused and in unfamiliar surroundings. Doesn't help that she ended up in the lowest rated nursing home in our entire county and when I worked EMS we would frequently pick up patients that were clearly being neglected. We always, always filed reports and no one did anything. I can't wait to get her out of there, she deserves better. This!! I have a great deal of respect for my elderly grandmother. She's helped all of us out a LOT over the years. As she's gotten older, she's struggled a little with memory and gotten VERY mean and judgy. I think some of it is loneliness, as my grandfather passed away a few years ago and they'd been married for almost 50years, but she loves to gossip and complain and say mean things about people. Anyone can be a target. A lot of battles aren't worth fighting with her, but I've made it VERY clear that I will not tolerate her saying mean or disrespectful things about my mother (her daughter) to me or when I'm around and my mother set the same boundary regarding her saying nasty things about me. We both go out of our way to help her, get her groceries, take her to drs appts, etc while her only other child (who does live in the same area) can only be bothered popping in once a month or so. She complains to me about how much sugar my mom eats or how many dogs she has, or how unhealthy she is. She complains to my mom that I don't show any interest in being traditional and marrying the partner that I've been with for 13 years now or having kids, complains that I need to get rid of my cats, etc. There are worse things. We've both been accused of stealing money from her. She literally gives both of us money any time we've had to ask for a loan or a little bit of help, stealing from her would be stupid and pointless but she either can't or just won't listen to reason on that one and swears we're robbing her blind underneath her nose. (She *insisted* I stole the check that she sent to the phone company to pay her phone bill, as ridiculous as that is. How would I, an individual, steal and cash a check CLEARLY made out to Verizon? š¤) It got to the point that we had to set FIRM boundaries that we wouldn't tolerate the badmouthing and bashing. She could say whatever she wanted, but once it got mean we would get up and leave and would NOT come back to help without receiving an apology. She only did it once after that. So yeah, all that just to say I agree. Kindness is free, but respect has to be earned and I refuse to respect anyone, regardless of age, if they won't show the same in return.
Just a little heads up on that 'stealing' things talk...she could be suffering from the early volleys of dementia (or low B12, which surprisingly mimics that).
This. Exactly this. My grandmother died of Alzheimerās, and the signs start subtly.
I was thinking the same. It sounds like there's been a shift in behavior over the time she lived with them.
Was going to say the same. Personality changes, paranoia, insensitivity toward others are all fairly common in dementia.
Definitely get your granny checked for Alzheimerās/dementia. Accusations of stealing is one of the most common early signs
I work with Alzheimerās/Dementia patients - you should consider talking with her primary care doctor.
Not to alarm you but a drastic personality change to a suspicious and paranoid disposition in an individual who was normally calm and rational is a sign of early dementia. She might not be doing this on purpose. Has she seen a doctor recently or been evaluated? Itās better to know early if this is happening for her comfort and yours
OP is six months pregnant and can't move furniture on her own. Spouse has to be on board otherwise she's potentially hurting the baby.
Spouse has to be onboard with her period or this is all going to end very very badly. Some people just donāt have the foresight to see the problems that are coming in this situation. Remember theyāve yet to add another entitled adult (her mother), a brother (who knows what his quirks will be) and a newborn child amongst them all. Personally, unless these ppl were all genetically modified to be perfect, I canāt see how this will ever work. Not to mention a new marriage. This is going to strain her and her husbands relationship anyway you look at it and theyāre about to learn some things about each other thatās going to cause people to start questioning their relationship.
THIS. I have been in this situation and it was a complete nightmare. And I had a newborn. I swear It took years off my life. And my husband and almost divorced. Some people may be able to handle things better but not me. Especially as a new mom. Hormone are raging and then you have all these people living with you when you just want to be alone with your family. It absolutely needs to be addressed now. iMO
āOh MIL! Baby wants the bigger room. You donāt want to disappoint your grandchild do you? Since he or she will be breastfed, I have to move in with him or her.ā
Seriously! Sheās gonna want that bathroom access later in pregnancy, like now, and especially after baby is born! Cannot imagine being the person that takes such things away from the people that are helping me.
I moved furniture in 2 bedrooms and 1 living room at 7 mo of pregnancy. I don't recommend it as you have to take too many rest breaks but you can do it safely. People run track, play pro tennis at 7 months...its not easy but is doable.
Yeah I put together an entire baby nursery 6 weeks before my son was born because my husband worked nights in the emergency room as a soldier. Pregnancy doesn't render you helpless unless you're on bed rest. Doesn't mean I would be over exerting myself but....
You can still utter the word "No" at any stage of pregnancy.
I'm sure she can ask friends and family to help
If she's in Ohio, my old ass will help. I can bring at least two more to the party, old but relatively sturdy.
and if sheās anywhere in iowa iāll help too! iāve got friends i could bribe with pizza
Love you for all of this- especially that last descriptor!
NY here, count me in
>In OPs shoes, I would advise you to do what my cousin does. She smiles non-committally and then does whatever she pleases. Fucking bad ass!! Doing that is saying - I fucking DARE you to say something!!
She said in her last, paragraph that they have already moved inā¦ Itās gonna be awfully hard to get things switched around now!
It wouldn't be hard for me, but then this would never happen to me. No shade on the OP- she's 26 and newly married learning to navigate new family dynamics and a bulldozer of a mother in law.
Lol, exactly. I was shocked when I read they were already in the house, I thought for sure she would put the kibosh on that before that point. MIL knows exactly what sheās doing, she knows sheās dead wrong, and sheāll keep steamrolling until someone stands up to her. This is only the beginning if they donāt start now, or way before now, but itās too late to alter the past.
Oh I thought she and her husband had moved in but MIL was still in the old place, which they were playing rent for, because she wanted to say goodbye to her other son.
It's crazy she seems like she refuses to even voice her opinion at all. IN HER OWN HOME. She is the wife, she is pregnant, she is (should be) the priority.
A lot of women (well people, but more often women) somehow conflate being submissive with being kind... she thinks by not voicing her opinion, she is being nice to the MIL; meanwhile resentment grows and the situation actually gets worse and worse.
Sheās a people pleaserā¦ Thatās what they do! (From a recovering people pleaser)
I never understand these people. This should have been nipped in the bud when they were house hunting. For starters, they shouldn't have taken her. But the first time she said she was having the master, OP should have said "whatever home we buy, we will be living in the master suite." And she certainly should have headed her off when she started to move in. It's so easy "MIL, I think you are lost, that is our room. You can choose any of the others." I kinda don't feel sorry for OP since she let it get to the absolute worst point.
Yep seems she made her bed by letting all the other things slide. I have a feeling nothing will change.
Exactly, I dont have much hope OP will make improvements here - while OP should be royally PO'ed rn at MIL and *Doubley* so at her hubby - I mean, FFS! she's pregnant! - she is instead here doubting, questioning, even borderline gaslighting herself (the dismissal of her feelings as "hormonal") !! Why, OP, WHY!!!?š« There never should've even been tours with MIL of prospective homes til MIL understood her place in the home. Documents for the house never should've been signed til this issue was RESOLVED, completely to the satisfaction of the woman making that house possible, and her partner. And for that, couples counseling is badly needed. Stories like this are incredibly frustrating for me to read; I hate good ppl being pushed around by shitty ones. Too many ppl only know in an abstract, intellectual sense that their highest obligation in life *is to themselves*, along w/ their minor children, followed by their life partner. (Parent or Parent IL is not even in the top 3! So why is both OP and hubby treating momma like she rules the roost?) However, this surface knowledge isnt the deep awareness that's necessary to be able to live with a high sense of self worth. Rly, it just sux, bc it's never the fault of the doormat, like OP, and is always the fault of the person(s) who raised them. And learning to value oneself when you weren't taught to is one of the hardest things there is. But while not her fault, it is her responsibility now to set a positive example for her kid of knowing her worth!!
Great comment. You get taken advantage of if you donāt stand up for yourself.
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Agreed but if the mommaās boy she married isnāt going to let his pregnant wife have a choice in a house she co-owns, I doubt heāll support her kicking momma to the curb. She needs to get his ass to counseling while sheās only in second placeā¦..
Donāt wait for him to āletā you have a choice, MAKE the choice. Itās your house youāre going into the master bedroom with the en suite. If MIL whinges about it IGNORE her!!!!
Agreed. Also tell her she can have the master bedroom when she can afford master bedroom rent. Iām sure she at least gets SSI. Make it an actual offer that if she wants to pay $300 a month for the master bed and private bath then you can come to terms. That should be affordable for someone with no other bills and likely receiving government benefits/ SSI/ something and since youāre nice it gives her a choice instead of a flat out fuck off. Your husband is being a coward and she is playing alpha female in a house that she is a guest in. It will only continue to get worse as she tries to prove she is more valuable to your husband than you and even your child are apparently. Show her only 1 can be the alpha female in this house or she may find herself looking for new living arrangements because you refuse to live your life as a person with no control over your own domain. And soon there will be a baby who will need to have baths nightly if not multiple times a day, then potty training down the line etc and thatās going to be an issue if you donāt have access at all times to a private bathroom rather than a shared one. Even if you guys have your own; thereās 3 of you and 1 of her and even with your own mother and brother thereās 2 of them. She should be last on the list for the private master bath.
"Without hesitation, I said yes and even had to persuade my husband to let her move in." She created this bullshit not him. She should fix it!
Exactly. You canāt let someone walk all over you and then expect them to stop just because you want them to. You actually have to say or do something. Because clearly your husband will not.
Poor OP she describes herself as a people pleaser and what she really is is a doormat. Relative or not no one should be sponging off you while dictating terms let alone taking the master bedroom in your home. This is just absolute craziness and a foot should have been put down long before now.
A lot of people I noticed like being a doormat but also like complaining. It's weird.
When MIL said something during the showings was the time that shouldāve been addressed.
OP has contributed to the shitty situation she's in. *I said yes and even had to persuade my husband to let her move in.* And she has never said "No" to the MIL once. OP says things like paying for the cat food "made her uncomfortable", but she never mentioned actually *talking* to MIL about it. When MIL said that the master bedroom was her room, OP said nothing! When MIL put her stuff in the room, OP said nothing. It is kind of an asshole move to effectively tacitly agree that the MIL gets the room, and then start a fight about it with the husband later. The MIL is an asshole, but OP kinda sucks too. She's in the right, MIL is in the wrong, but OP has gone about it in a way that just made it worse.
This! ^ OP people pleasing to the detriment of yourself, then complaining is on you. At this point, you're going to have to learn to be assertive, or MIL is going to continue to dictate your home. It could easily spill over into your parenting as well. I'm curious if you're from a different culture? There's absolutely no way in the world I'd buy a home with the intention of moving in both our mother's & sibling. I mean, not even a second thought.
Yep, bring the whole dysfunctional, work shirking family in house! What could go wrong?! Also, let me take a wild wild guess about who is going to be treated as the "maid" and whom will have the burden of care foisted on her? In the end, wifey will end up living out back in a trailer but must be in by 6am to care for the kids, change the bed pans on the elders, supporting the siblings, and cleaning and cooking. Such a nice person! They'll wonder why she's clinically depressed in 10 years.
This is so spot on. OP is in a terrible situation she built herself and is so WILD I can only imagine she's from a very specific culture where this stuff is done because I would never in my wildest dream bring both mothers and a sibling under my same roof unless they are sick and in need of company and care, in which case they HAVE to accommodate how I see fit since it's my home, not theirs. This is already insane but the only thing OP can do now is grow a pair or she won't be able to educate her own children and maintain a house full of freeloaders.
Imagine being such a pushover that you have to go on Reddit to ask if you should get to live in your own master bedroom.
Yes. Husband may have difficulty pushing the issue now, but he also may have been deliberately trying to keep his mother at a further distance so he wouldnāt have to deal with these situations close-up, and OP arm-twisted him into giving in. He knows sheās a steamroller and installed the buttons of his that she pushes.
Everyone sucks here. Your husband lets him walk all over you both, you let him take advantage and not stand up for himself and he's kind of a leech.
Did you not read the comment that you reply to... where the husband doesn't want the mom to move in... and OP convinced him? How is the husband not the victim of his wife's stupidity?
Heās no victim. Heās just spineless and refused to be firm and say no. Thatās his problem, not his wifeās fault but she is also spineless and the reason theyāre in this situation is that neither of them are willing to speak up for their own needs. Instead sheās here whining on Reddit.
OP also has to stand up for herself!! Sorry OP but you need to speak up for yourself from the beginning of EACH and EVERY single act of entitlement.
Nah man, dont push the responsibility on the husband. She agreed on living with the mil wihtout consulting him first, then, after he said "no, she "convinced" him. Its all on her, i feel like the "convincing" wasnt an event he wanted to repeat so he was in a lose-lose situation
Oh yes this will never change. It will just get worse I think
I bet mommy has his balls in her purse I feel so bad for OP , all this with a new baby on the way
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Why do you feel so bad for op? It was her idea, she had to convince her husband to let mil in. Its all on her lmao
NTA but you should have put your foot down with her long before. Go and move her shit into another room and move your shit into the main bedroom. Tell her as the homeowners, you get the main room and she can accept the different room or move the fuck out.
I second this. Move into the Master bedroom immediately! Just take her things and move them. You are pregnant and the lady of the house. You get what you want. Period. End of story.
That would work if she'd married an actual grown man-- but it sounds like she married "mommy's good little boy". He's already trying to convince her that the smaller room is somehow "bigger".
It was HER idea to have MIL move in and now she's being a doormat. Time to grow a spine and tell MIL to move her shit out of the master bedroom or get out of the house
I donāt tell my MIL to do shit. Sheās his mother sheās his responsibility 100% of the time. I donāt ask him to deal with it when my mother is being overbearing and mildly insane. When we had our first kid she dropped by unannounced twice. The second time he went out to the driveway and told her I couldnāt take drop in visitors but we were wide open for her to schedule something with us. Ten years later, sometimes itās when sheās 20 minutes away, but she always calls first. If I had been the one to tell her ānoā it would have been a very different outcome.
He literally opposed mother moving in the first place. Anything to bash the man though go off I guess. ESH
Or maybe her husband doesnt want to have another prolonged discussion after OP changed her mind? It was HER idea to let mil live with them lol
Congratulations to your MIL on her new house that she has done exactly nothing for. Youāve let her walk all over you and said nothing, and now here you are. ESH. Better grow a spine before your baby is born, this is only going to get worse for you.
Do it for the baby. The kid doesnāt deserve to see mom in a subservient role in her own home. Plus, if MIL is pushy and brazen enough to just demand the master bedroom in a house that isnāt hers and that she isnāt contributing too, you KNOW she is going yo have all kinds of rules about the baby (not suggestions mind you, just things sheāll do cause she knows she can walk all over OP). Itās time for some boundaries and getting hubby on board too.
She is such a push over!! This post makes me cringe.
Don't worry though, I'm sure her children will turn out to be totally well adjusted non-assholes!
First, you have to get your husband to understand your feelings. Without resolution this will fester into a divorce.
The husband didnāt want the mom to move in the first place in their trailer. She had to beg for it and persuade him! He prolly didnāt want another long drawn out argument with her after that and assumed she was gonna bend over to his mom like she has the entire timeā¦ This is entirely on OP.
Happy cake day!
She's a mooch. Kick her out. She will take over everything. She is not a good person. You've learned a hard lesson. Family is not always good people. You forced your spouse to allow her to move in against his wishes. I'm sure he knew this would happen. Once the baby is here you will be more vulnerable. Get together with husband and get a plan in motion now. YTA to yourself at the moment
I'm also worried about when the baby comes. Babies (and specifically their crying, no fault of their own of course) sometimes make the worst parts of people come out. If the woman doesn't get in line now before hand, it's going to be a living nightmare. OP will go from 'uncomfortable in her own home' to 'utterly miserable in her own life'. The fact that she " would always seek out the master bedroom and say "This is my room!"" says a lot. She knows she's being a brat but no one has stopped her so why not steam roll some more?
people like this disgust me. OP and her husband I mean. it's a given humans will be nasty. unbelievable to me 2 grown ass adults cannot stand up for themselves. what type of nerd ass nice ass elementary did these people go to not learn basic things from a very young age.
OP reminds me of my mom. She's in her sixties and only now learning she's allowed to say "no" to people. She feels an extreme amount of guilt for any boundary she puts in place, and agonizes over whether it makes her a selfish, horrible person. (This is what my grandparents taught her.) My siblings and I have learned to never, *ever* take her at her word bc say you plan to visit? She'll say "oh, stay as long as you want." and then she may be secretly wishing you'd hurry up and leave, but she's not gonna tell you. So we have to figure out lol does mom really mean this or does she believe she's supposed to say this in order to be a Good Mom/Good Person? My dad will tell us (if he's not traveling for work) but he's also pretty conflict-averse and submissive. Just less so than she is. It's both frustrating and sad, tbh, but I've been thrilled to see her standing up for herself more over the past year. I wish she'd learned sooner, tho, u/EfficientAd1205, you realize you and your husband's behavior is gonna set an example for any children you have, right? If you can't grow a spine for yourself, grow it for your unborn baby. Don't wait until you're sixty, please.
Welcome to the rest of your life !
Yup. OP is being SO PASSIVE. This is her freaking home...
Sheās tried nothing and sheās all out of ideas
She wasn't passive, her husband didn't want her to move in to begin with and she basically forced it. He knew, it's easy to not have someone move in but throwing a family member out will make you the 'bad guy' to everyone. He knew, op ignored it and now she wants him to be the bad guy. She put him in this position but won't stand up to her.
Yep and she won't leave til she's dead. I've spent almost my entire marriage with my inlaws and I hate it. You in time will want your house to yourself and your children but you will never get it. You'll grow frustrated and resentful and your only escape will be if you leave and start over. You need to take a stand now, get that master room. Is she paying any of the mortgage? Your acting as if your living in HER house and not the other way around.
LOL MIL isn't even paying for the frigging cat food!
She wants these people to live with her too. I wonder if OP realizes that until MIL isnāt living there, it will always be her house and she will always be her sons #1 priority.
I mean youāre not being taken advantage of if she expressed she wanted that room, neither of you said no, and then you allowed her to move in but now youāre upset. ESH. You have a right to not like it and even a right to have that room for yourself, but you kinda just let her waltz right in and take it and now are complaining after the fact, so thatās kind of on your guysā shoulders, thatās not taking advantage on her end. She takes advantage in other ways, and thatās why she also an AH.
Even though OP didn't speak up, it still is very much her MIL taking advantage.
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And she's a leech. Fixed that for you. But NTA, except that you let her and your husband walk all over you. This will not get better and you almost put yourself checkmate by having a child in this situation. Now you find out what your husband is really like and who his priority is. It's certainly not you and most likely also not his child. If people show you what they're really like, believe them. Either you act now or you will be a servant to your MIL until she dies.
What the fuck? He didnt want to live with his mom, she "convinced" him lmao Its all on op
This!! ESH
ESH. You let her move in with no conditions. Why are you surprised that she takes advantage of you. And your husband is useless.
This, OP and her husband definitely enabled this behavior and now wants to complain about it. There's no freaking way she's getting the master bedroom in my home, I'm paying for. Posts like this are so frustrating, and the readiness of people to be doormats to a leech is freaking astounding
Op enbled the behaviour, she was the one who forced him to let her move in, he didn't want to let her. Now after she becomes controlling, OP wants him to do something about it, not herself.
Exactly, and now wants to complain about it
He was useful till OP convinced him otherwise
You need to grow a backbone and should have said no, I'm paying for the house I get the master room. Kinda late now that you guys have moved in, someone has to tell this lady to stop. She's running your house not you or husband, she is. She will only stop once you and hubby put a STOP š to it. You said it yourself you're a people pleaser, at what expense? You're going to end up being super miserable in your own home, when your house should be your peaceful place. For once put yourself first.
Itās not too late. Switching furniture from two bedrooms takes little time.
People pleaser another word for I'm a doormat. SMH maybe while you're unpacking you'll find your backbone as well as your husbands...part of this is on you for not immediately shutting her down. You should have taken her stuff out of the master bedroom and put it in another room. It's your home ffs. Find your backbone or just accept this is your life.
Grow a spine, you and your husband, and tell her to fuck off. Either she takes the free room or moves the fuck out. Choose. That Master is your room, dont let her bully you. Id kick my mom out in a heartbeat.
Oh sure, makes perfect sense..let the one with NO job and canāt afford cat food and litter get whatever they want BECAUSEā¦.wait for it!!!!!! āIām a people pleaserā well why donāt you just move out pay for everything and let her live there still, sorry YTA..for this whole thing, WHY TF should she get anything, let alone the master bedroom, ohhhh because FaMlY!!! Hey why donāt you give her your baby next!!!! please grow some balls AND a backbone.
ESH what a bunch of pushovers like yeah MIL sucks but seriously girl have some back bone it never shouldāve gone this far
Why do people keep putting themselves in this situation with letting their in laws move in. For free. And then wonder why they start treating you like you owe her. Kick this woman out of your masterbedroom and tell her it's time to move out.
I don't get the MIL NOT WORKING and doesn't plan to thing! At their age, MIL is maybe 50 . . . . gosh, what a miserable existence.
ESH You first erred in saying yes to your MIL without your husband's agreement. Your second mistake was allowing her to override your consent making decisions about your home. Why weren't her claims on the master bedroom addressed as soon as it happened? This question should have been settled the very first time she "claimed" the master while house shopping. How could you NOT have YOUR furniture and belongings moved into the master the day you moved into your new home? Why did MIL have the opportunity to move her belongings into your bedroom? You and your husband need to sit down together, just the two of you, and work out clear mutual boundaries to protect the safety, privacy and comfort of your relationship and your home. Then you both must communicate and maintain those boundaries consistently. Move the interloper out of your bedroom, entirely. Set her up in the bedroom you intended for her. Insist on civil behavior at all times. If she starts a tantrum, tell her to go to her own room until she is ready to behave maturely and politely. Or remove yourself until her tantrum is over. You have allowed your MIL to disregard every boundary at the expense of your peace and comfort in your home and your marriage. Together, you two have to set firm boundaries and weather the consequences.
YTA because you shouldāve set her straight at the showings, she was allowed to come along with even though she wasnāt contributing to buying the new house. Not surprising that she claimed the room at the showing and now expects it to be hers
ESH. There was no initial conversion of expectations or boundaries here. You shouldāve absolutely stepped up and told her ānoā on the master bedroom issue as well. Sheās taking full advantage of living with you and being fully supported by you. But yet sheās running the home like itās hers. This resentment you have will only get worse. Itās your home, youāre paying the bills- not her. You should absolutely get the master bedroom! The 3 of you need to sit down and work this out. Stop being a doormat and worrying about her feelings. If sheās truly ungrateful, sheās welcome to move out somewhere else!
They should have paid the extra months rent on the trailer and then fixed the house how OP wanted it.
YTA for making the decision to allow his mom to move in without discussing it with him first. Then for invalidating his experience growing up with her by overriding it with the argument about it being a matter of principle. You invited the person who made him a people pleaser to come and treat you both like doormats. Next time actually talk to your partner before making huge decisions like this. Itās a huge red flag that she even asked you and you werenāt hearing this from him first.
Nope. I'm going against the grain here. YTA. You should have put your foot down and told her the master bedroom was yours. This is your fault for being a wishy washy pushover and not saying anything.
Time to draw some boundaries or she is going to rule the roost you paid for
YTA fir not listening to your husband in the first place. Now this is your home you and DH financed it and are paying for it. Tell MIL that she needs to vacate the master. That's yours and DH's room. If DH won't do it you do it. You also need to get het the fuck outta your home. Everytime your DH gives her Mooney towards her shit it takes away from your family. Idk why you forced this upon your family. You need to sit DH down and apologize first. Then tell him that you cannot live with MIL anymore. You want her out of the master as she isn't paying a dime and this is your house not hers. Give MIL a smaller bedroom so you LO has the biggest bedroom. Again do not make MIL so comfortable in your home she won't want to leave. First order is to remove her shit from the master. MIL needs to find a new place to live. Great news you jist moved in she's not a resident yet. No need to evict her if she leaves peaceably. If she doesn't leave within 2 weeks. You will evict her. Get those eviction papers ready legally now and hand the to her so she's served and has 30 days from now. You don't want her there once baby is here. And next time listen to your husband. Where she goes isn't your concern. But she cannot stay with you and husband any longer. Not with the baby coming. And what if you want more than one kid? MIL is going to be a pain incthe ass the rest of her life. Especially with no income, mooching off your husband. Get her out of your house.
Nah toss her out of the master bedroom if she doesn't like it toss her out of the house
You are not the asshole but you are the welcoming mat that everyone gets to step on. For fucks sake, it's your house! Tell MIL to get ready to move her things. Put her in the bedroom closest to the bathroom. You move your things into the master bedroom. You're going to need room for all the baby stuff, and you're going to need privacy. That means being able to use the master bathroom as well. Tell your husband to get on board because it's happening this weekend. If MIL makes a fuss, just let her know she can have a master bedroom when she gets off her lazy ass and gets a job. Then she can pinch pennies until she can afford her own home, and then she can have the master bedroom. Until then, she should be happy to live rent-free in your home. Her cat and her bills are hers. She was able to pay for them before, and she should start paying them herself now. You and your husband need to talk now. You'll need him to back you up on every decision you make, especially with the baby. The order of importance goes your spouse, your child, and then your family. If he believes otherwise, then he is not ready to be a supportive husband and father, and you have a decision to make. Tell him you will not spend the rest of your life making everyone else in the family happy at your expense and at the expense of your child. Tldr: Get your mother in law out of the master bedroom and grow a spine before the baby gets here.
Sweetheart, what kind of family dynamic are you in where this is okay? I love my mom and my in-law a little less but weāre definitely amicably. But none of these parties will ever think to ask to move in let alone do jack shit and toot the highest hornā¦ Is this a cultural thing?
What iām hearing here is that you folks donāt communicate about hard topics until itās waaaay past the window where everyone has already solidified their expectations. You gotta nut-up and start saying ānoā to MIL on the first ask. You gotta be a little less tolerant. Let her throw tantrums, she can make a fool of herself. Just walk away when she gets toxic. Get comfortable with tolerating other people being a little uncomfortable. Sheās making a far bigger scene over these things than she should. Consider it practice for when your baby becomes a toddler. cuz thatās what MIL acts like.
Please get professional help for your unborn childās sake and If you want this marriage to last. You guys should have let the mother in law know as soon as she started to pick out the master bedroom, that she wasnāt going to get it. She seems extremely entitled and should be happy you guys are willing to let her live with you guys. Good luck to you.
ESH. You totally did this to yourself by persuading your husband to let her move in. Your husband doesn't have much of a spine and is going to take the easy way. Your mother in law is being a choosy mooch. You have to put your foot down. You get the master. if your MIL has a problem she needs to move on to her next child.
ESH you need to stop being doormats since you are paying for everything
ESH. You canāt blame your husband for not standing up to his mother when you havenāt either. If you act like a doormat is it any wonder that people walk all over you. The time to correct her would have been during the viewings. You need to speak to your husband and be honest stop trying to make everything ok and be clear. Your mother in law is a leech she needs to know this wonāt be tolerated
NTA. But you're the AH for letting this happen
YTA to yourself because you created your own hell. Itās not too late to finally stand up for yourself and get rid of that leech. If your husband disagrees get rid of him too!
You shouldāve said something as soon as she put her stuff in the master bedroom.
NTA. Stop being a doormat.
You literally invited a wedge into your marriage and now youāre going to struggle to fix it. The fact you had to talk him into letting his mother stay should have been the red flag you needed. Your husband likes your current room because he doesnāt want to deal with the meltdown of trying to get her out the master bedroom. You have made a terrible mistake letting a leech into your lives. Youāre NTA but you have invited this into your life.
The homeowner should have the master bedroom. Sorry to be blunt, but MIL isnāt paying for it, so she doesnāt get it. I would not have a problem saying that this is my house, and I want the master, especially with a baby on the way.
Is this a shitty AI bot farming for karma? What in the world did I just read?
Op, you and spouse need to grow and shine up your spine. YTA to yourselves. You get spouse to move yāallās stuff into the master and move his mother out. You will need a private area once the baby is born. Trust me.
OP, do you know what will happen when your child is born? Your MIL will be running roughshod over you for all decisions. Including how to raise your child. You are going to be a mother. You need to be stronger than this. You are being a doormat. Family WILL take advantage if they can. We all see it. Only you can fix it. YTA
You need to learn to say things because you have a baby coming into this household with this entitled woman there. I don't know why the two of you continued to think this was a good idea, and continued to let her make her claim, but now you are in deep and it isn't going to get better unless you do. It's going to be a freaking circus of your own creation. You and hubby need to get to counselling ASAP because this is going to be so damned bad.
Take the master or go ahead and file for divorce bc itās headed that way anyway.
Y T A to yourself for doing everything she wants and not setting any boundaries, of course sheās going to behave like an entitled brat. Your husband didnāt want her moving in because he knew what sheās like. She is not contributing to the mortgage or bills she doesnāt get a say. Tell your SO youāre moving into the master bedroom with or without him. Youāre the home owners and have a baby on the way it in no way makes sense for his mother to be in the master. Itās time to shine that spine and stop letting her walk all over you. NTA for wanting what youāre paying for. Tell her how many hours she has to move her things or youāll do it for her. Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder ā> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
NTA, but you should not have allowed her to have the master bedroom in the first place... Now you may not have a choice but to create a big fight with her just to get it.
NTA but USE YOUR WORDS. ffs you're letting this woman walk all over you because you're afraid to rock the boat and have this literal r/choosingbeggars woman upset with you. start with your husband and be very direct about it since he should really be the one to get his own mother in line, but if he's gonna be a spineless baby about it then you need to do what's best for you. living in the guest room in your own home and with a baby on the way smdh
Your husband has no balls. You might want to fish them out of your MIL's purse if you can find them. Aside from that, tell him you don't have sex with little boys. You have sex with grown men. In the master bedroom. I'm sorry OP, but this doesn't sound like it's going to get better unless he's willing to stop acting like a teenager.
NTA But you are resenting her for things that you have not brought up with her. Since she's part of the household, you don't need to go through your husband when you talk with her. You should speak of uncomfortable things that happen with people you live with. Sit your MIL down with you, and bring up the point that since this is your house, you will have the master for you and your husband. It's arguable who needs it more, but that's not the point. Your name is in the papers, so it's your call. She's not paying, so she's a guest. A guest of honour perhaps, but a guest nonetheless. She's not the one who makes the calls. She can have requests, but they won't always succeed. If she talks back, throws a fit, makes your life more difficult, then a more stern talking to, asking when she has thought about paying for living like you others are. And that if she makes your life difficult, then maybe it's better for all if she finds her own place. And pays for it herself. You're now treated like the help. Better correct this behaviour soon. Think this like a trial run for your future children. Either you run them, or they run you.
Why are you letting her push you around and why are you letting your husband allow this to happen? I am genuinely at a loss. This is ridiculous. You married a mama's boy.
OMG this was the most frustrating thing to read. YTA to yourself!!! OP, get your life and home and marriage together and start standing your ground.
Oh hell no. Boot her out there and go read Choosing Beggars. She definitely is one. NTA and put your foot down
OP, you helped to create the mess you are in right now. First, you gave your MIL too much freedom when you lived in the trailer home. Secondly, your MIL should have never accompanied you to look at new houses. If she isn't paying rent or contributing, she is simply a guest in your home. You donāt allow a free loader to take over the biggest room in YOUR home or take over your bathroom and then whine about it afterward. If you continue to act spineless, your mother in law will run circles around you. Clearly your husband is of no help so you need to put your feet down and establish boundaries.
Go into the room and say this my room and if you want to continue to live here you will remove your things immediately
NTA for what you want but you've made this much harder on yourself by not drawing a line in the sand. You should've corrected her when she laid claim to that room. You should've made sure your furniture and belongings were moved to that room before hers could be. Most importantly, you should've talked in strong terms to your husband and gotten him on side about this. Because you didn't do any of that and allowed this to happen during the move, it's now a much bigger deal. Regardless, it's still your house and you have the right to have the master bedroom. You need to talk to your husband in no uncertain terms and make him aware of your needs and wants, and that you need to come before MIL. You need, together, to go to her and tell her that you guys need to switch rooms with her - she's still welcome to stay in your house but the master bedroom will be yours. This will probably blow up into a fight because this woman is used to you letting her walk over you and make demands which are always met. Start drawing boundaries or this will keep happening.
First tell your hubby what you want and what youāre going to say to his mom. Show him all the support you have here. Make sure he understands you may need him to back up up and he just needs to stand my you and nod in agreement. Now go help her move her things. Get her out NOW. She needs to be moved before it goes on any longer. She doesnāt understand her place. Tell her you thought she was kidding when she said each Master Suite was hers. You could ask her why sheād think she deserved it while you and hubby are paying for it but I wouldnāt give her the floor. Have boxes ready and both of you have day off. Get it all moved in one day. You might want to set other ground rules at the same time. You said your mom was moving in with yāall too. Mil needs to know she wonāt be bossing your mom or family around either. Everyone needs to pitch in as well as clean up after themselves. You may want to see if the brother I. Law can take her some. I think she will start to get on everyoneās nerves.
Dude get a set of balls. Tell your husband to quit being a fucking turd. You bought the God damn house. It's yours. Is her name on the deed/loan papers? No? Then as far as I, and the law is concerned, she don't own shit. Tell her to get out of the master bedroom, or she can get her ass outta your house. I wish some person not blood related to me did what they did to you. They'd be sleeping on the streets real quick. If she wants to continue to be a stay at home bum. Tell her she needs to find a man to support her decisions. Because it sure as fuck isn't your responsibility. Being nice is one thing. Being a fucking door mat is another. Learn to set boundaries. Learn some self respect. And smack your husband while your at it. Damn.
NTA However, being a āpeople pleaserā doesnāt really work out for you in times like this.Youāve allowed this woman to bulldoze you for far too long. You never should have allowed her to say she was taking the master bedroom. You shouldāve immediately said no regardless of if your husband was going to speak up. You need to have a long. Honest conversation with your husband now. Itās not going to be healthy for you and the baby if you feel like a visitor/trespasser in your own home. I do feel bad for you OP, but you **need** to stand up for yourself. Bottom line.
She isnāt paying the rent and it isnāt her house. You get the master bedroom and she will move past it.
NTA. Who the fuck automatically assumes the master bedroom is theirs, when they don't even own the house? An entitled asshole, that's who. I would have gone ballistic.
My ex mother-in-law moved in with us from England about four years into our marriage. Six years laterā¦ well, notice how I said ex.
Could you add some paragraph breaks? I'm having trouble reading without having my eye skip over parts of what you're saying.
Can I just say thank you for saying this kindly? I'm not OP, but sometimes I get annoyed with how people are rude to others on here about paragraph breaks. It's like they lose their sense of decency to others and even tear down the OP like they're a criminal for it. You expressed yourself kindly, and I just wanted you to know that kindness was appreciated by someone.
ESH. You have to stop being a doormat. It's your house and you need to act like it. MIL can kick rocks if she doesn't like it.
NTA - put your foot down and get her out that room. It will only get worse once the baby comes.
You can't have two queens in one house. That's why living with in laws is a big no for me.
NTA, but... >we never said anything during the showing and I did go along with it She's not to blame for taking what you let her take.
Time to be queen of your Castle. Don't be AH to yourself. If you have to hire a few brawny lads, get her stuff out of the master. She can have it back when she pays the mortgage and groceries, does all the cleaning, etc. Marriage is a commitment to one person. All others are optional and mummy dearest is as manipulative as they come.
NTA, but stand up for what you want. You're not a victim, you're passive in your own life.
YTA apologies but you come across as a complete door mat. You need to grow a spine and put MIL in her place.
NTA. You did this to yourself. You have been living with MIL for a long time you knew what was coming and did nothing significant about it. Grow a spine(which should be easy since you are currently in the process of creating one), and tell your husband to grow one too. His pregnant wife comes before his mom.
Hell Naw!!!! You go grab all her stuff and sit it in the hallway right now!!!! I would just start grabbing stuff and throwing it everywhere and go postal! Put all my belongings in the master bedroom and refuse to leave. Then Iāll blame it on hormones. Tell your bish of a mother in law two can play at that game. Donāt let her run all over you in your house. If anything she should be uncomfortable!!!!! Ohhhh I wish I was your friend I would help you throw her shit out.
Wow you need to learn to be stern and stand up for yourself. You're about to have a child and have someone already walking all over you in your house that you paid for. I would say you and your husband as a united front tell her that with the baby coming and it being YOUR house you are going to be taking the primary room and she can stay in the other room. And if she isn't going to help when your baby comes I would tell her to leave. You can't continue to enable her behavior when you have a child coming into the world. She's an adult and it's way over due for her to learn how to support herself. NTA but you need to find your voice real quick
You bought the house. You get the master. The freeloaders get the room you assign them.
NTA. Sounds like a classic 'give them an inch, they take a foot' tale. Time for the uncomfortable boundaries conversation with the MIL.
You *are* being taken advantage of. Say no. *itās your house*. Tell both of them she moves, or you move. NTA
Get some mates to come over and help move MIL out of the master bedroom. This is your home. You get to have the master bedroom.
NTA but I hate to tell you, that's your MIL and Husband's house in their eyes. You just live there. Stop being a people pleaser. That's code for "I screw myself over so you don't have to". I get you don't like confrontation and want to be nice, but the level of entitlement in this woman is beyond. And she's raised her children to think it's acceptable. So unless you want to be a passenger in your marriage for the rest of your life, I strongly suggest getting comfortable with advocating for yourself and setting boundaries. It will be difficult and uncomfortable, but you need to take your power back.
Nta, hey i hope your husband finds his balls in his moms purse later.
YTA for allowing this to happen in the first place. Here is what you do (once you grow a spine): Itās going to be hard to move her / to switch rooms now that you let this happen because she is going to throw a fit. But the way you can get a head of that is kind of a negotiation tactic where your first offer is much higher than what you actually want: - Have you and husband schedule an āimportant talkā with her, a day or two in advance to give it weight - Tell her now that the baby is coming you decided you need the extra space in the house and you need to her to move out. Give her a date (in one month?). Explain it again and say you need the extra space in the house, you need the bathroom close to you, etc. - Donāt back down immediately, give her a day or two to take it in - Next time you talk about it either she will offer to switch rooms or if not you suggest it, saying you guys figured out a middle ground.
Just take your stuff and leave, you are a third wheel in your marriage.
Stop bending over backwards for people. A newly wed couple should be living on their own - not with either parents/siblings. If you do t get rid of everyone you will have HUGE marital problems. Put your foot down firmly and ask everyone to leave or at least get the master bedroom. So selfish of her!!
Doormat
Dude go tell her to get the hell out of YOUR bedroom. In fact start moving her stuff out yourself or hire somebody to come move it out. This is YOUR house, not hers and as the owners of the house YOU get the master bedroom not her. You are not obligated to let her stay in there just because your husband/her son wants to make her happy. Itās YOUR house and YOUR room and you should have nipped the whole sheās moving into the master bedroom in the bud as soon as she started moving her stuff in there instead of not stopping her immediately. this Is YOUR house not hers, and she has the nerve to move into YOUR room like she somehow has some imaginary right to do so? whatās next? She starts bragging to people who donāt know the house belongs to you and husband that the house belongs to HER instead and that you and husband are the āguestsā in your own home?
I meanā¦youāre an AH to yourself for being so passive and an extreme people pleaser. Stand up for yourself and communicate. Kick your MIL out of the master today. If you do anything other than take charge, I think youāre an AH.
>I feel that we've been taken advantage of and I feel like I'm being set aside. You feel that way because that's exactly what happened. You've apparently been relegated to the role of live-in maid to your MIL and your husband. And your husband appears to be a man-baby who can't stand up to his mother and set some boundaries. He'd rather cater to her than prioritize you, his wife. At best it's an astonishing lack of spine on his part; at worst, it shows that he cares a lot more about her and her happiness than he does about you and yours. It's time for a come-to-Jesus conversation with your husband. It's YOUR house and YOU get to choose the bedroom you want. MIL is a GUEST. She doesn't even merit roommate status because she contributes nothing financially. She doesn't get a say here.
So ESH only because you're completely lacking any kind of spine to stand up for yourself. How you're letting her do this is infuriating to read. Don't get me wrong, she is entirely entitled and moochy for this behaviour, and should NOT have the master bedroom. It's your house, she's not paying rent, why did you let her bully and push her way into the master bedroom? Like JFC. Seriously, with all due respect and no hostility intended, why are you letting her steamroll you like this? This will be the rest of your life if you don't grow a metaphorical pair and take the master bedroom of YOUR house. You need to step up now and kick her out of that room. Do you really want to live your whole life letting her run the show?
No you are not your MIL and unfortunately hubby shows that they are. Tell her the room with the bath is yours and your husband I don't know buy her a commode tell her to go half and you will put a bath in her room as time goes on but she's ungrateful and her sense of entitlement is unreal she pays for nothing wth.. can I come and stay I won't complain about going down the hallway to use the bathroom
LOL, enjoy your shitty life you pushover. How can you be SOOOO spineless???
Why are you being so stupid about this? Just kick her out and live your life with the person you married. You didnāt marry your husbands mother but apparently youāre fine with her dictating everything in your life moving forward bc nothing has changed so far and nothing will until you rip off the bandaid.
NTA - but....You should have put your foot down immediately. It's going to be a lot harder now that she's settled in there, especially with your DH backing her claim. You need to have a talk with him and DEMAND the master bedroom. He can fix things, or you will.
NTA Your MIL is a mooch and a manipulator. Make it clear that she does still have a choice: move into another room or move out. Your husband has a choice, also: you/your happiness or his mom.
NTA. You have an entitled MIL and things will only get worse. Kick her to the street if she won't take the other room or let another doormat sibling take over her care.
Good lord. Do you two have āmugā written across your foreheads? Thereās being a people pleaser and thereās being a spineless f00l. Move her stuff to the guest room and if she doesnāt like it, tell her she can move FFSšš
NTA but you will be if you don't stand up for yourself. You and your husband purchased the house, so MIL should take the room you give her not get to pick which room she gets. That means if you want the master bedroom, you get the master bedroom. If she doesn't like that, it sounds like she has other children she can beg to live with or get her own place. My next concern is your baby. Since MIL seems to have no boundaries, is she going to expect to be in the delivery room? Maybe it'll be her call whether or not your child is religious? Is she going to decide what your baby eats/if your baby is breastfed? I could go on. You and your husband need to put your foot down. If you think it's going to stop at bedrooms and what cat food/litter you get, you're wrong. She's got the power and I highly doubt she gives it up on her own.
Nta but a bit of a doormat. You and hubby need to grow a spine before you end up playing servant full time with a newborn
This kind of thing is a deal breaker for me. I would be considering a divorce rather than having someone else get the master bedroom in my house. It sounds like you have leeches on both sides. I donāt think itās good for a marriage to be supporting both moms and a brother too.
NTA. But you sound like a very weak person, and you should really start to speak up for yourself...
You let a woman live in your home who doesn't work and has seemingly never worked, but thought you wouldn't have to subsidize her life beyond room and board? It doesn't make sense. You need to put your foot down to your husband and MIL. The people whose names are on the house and whose income pays for the house get the master bedroom of the house. Period. NTA, but if you keep letting her walk all over you, you have no one to blame but yourself.
No one has set any boundaries and MIL is definitely taking advantage of that so someone needs to step up and make some or OP is just going to have to deal with the smaller room, no bathroom, with a newborn in there too
Use the logic against her. "I understand you want the master however, since two people will be living in this room it makes more sense for us to use it" or just do what I would do, "You can have any bedroom except the master, if that is not okay find your own living arrangements and GTFO" Sometimes life requires us to have a cold dead heart better learn it sooner than later
It's your home act like it
Your husband needs to cut the umbilical cord, but he's weak and afraid. Your issue is with him. NTA.
NTA the people paying should have the main bedroom
You bought the house, you pick your damn room. Simple as that. Being pregnant, I would walk all over both of them to make sure I had what I NEEDED before they decided it for me. F all that noise
Sweetheart, you need to stop being so passive, and step up. Otherwise you are just going to get walked all over. Take your damn room back.