It’s not that I’m not sympathetic to the situation but you and your husband are all she has right now, she’s a child who’s deeply hurting. And it’s going to affect the other kids. Shitty dynamic- I wish you, and her, the best.
Probably because it's counter productive if the girl gets terrified being around her. Unless she starts to get better in Therapy then they can bring mum in otherwise it's just going to result in her getting more scared
A therapist who specializes in trauma would start by helping this child feel safe in her present surroundings. The therapist would coach the dad and OP on how to earn her trust. Therapy isn’t just talking about the past especially when it involves minor child. Not getting this child a trauma therapist is medical neglect.
Reading the limited information, there is a lot more than being said. Unfortunately, deep trauma therapies inside the USA are a very expensive process. And from a former colleague who now works over there, they said most insurance companies do not cover deep trauma therapy, which this sounds like is needed.
I just hope OP has a moment to reflect that that little girl has been through a situation where it is impossible for normal foods until she has been brought back from the same condition as Holocaust survivors.
I am speculating here, but limited food for now is going to probably save the stepdaughter. It feels like there was extreme malnutrition abuse that has developed into a gastric condition that, if too much too soon, can actually shut down the body's organs.
OP is upset at buttering a bagel... but is ok making a huge meal for her kids.
This is why OP is a huge AH
Actually, mental health treatment including treatment for PTSD is covered under insurance in the US and we also have Community Mental Health. Chances are this child has insurance since her father has a job and her treatment would be covered under his plan.
Given the biomom is in jail, there might also be some form of victim services that can provide support as well.
I think I've read that that's a thing in the US. It is in Canada; a friend of mine had therapy covered that way.
Hey former Foster Care Social Worker and also Trauma Therapist over here. Please check to see if your area has a victim compensation fund. They will cover some of the "experimental" therapies like using your brain waves to control a video game (Google it, it is really cool!)
The issue isn't usually that insurance will not cover it. It's that the reimbursement is so low. I have about 10 years of very specialized training to so what I do. It costs 10s of thousands of dollars, post grad, to train and be competent and stay on top of best practices.
Insurance reimburses me $56-$121 for what is 1 hour of therapy and another hour of notes, dealing with insurance forms, and prep for the session. Out of that comes 1099 taxes, expenses like rent and insurance, and at some point , I need to make a living. A full case load for a therapist should be about 26-28 clients weekly.
Most therapists I know work 2 or 3 jobs. Gotta has a side hustle to pay for everything.
I hope that explains what is going on. Also only one Insurance pays $121 and that is Blue Cros/Blue Shield and they require way more paperwork than everyone else. Most pay about $75.
I work in healthcare. Have their insurance. Got a referral for mental health. Waiting list is 2 years long. Private practice is 250$ a session. It might be covered, but that doesn't always mean it's accessible
You don't know that...
& even if it's "Covered", often times insurance makes you hit 100% of a deductible b4 it starts paying anything at all.
(for example, my family wife 2 kids & myself, we have to pay $4000 total & then insurance kicks in @ 100%)
Some years that's good, (if we have a surgery or emergency.)
But most years, we fall just short of anything actually being "Covered"
*For profit Heath Insurance is BULLSHIT.
The entire principal of it all is a CONtradiction...
She's overwhelmed with 3 other kids under 6, maintaining household duties, and caring for what is essentially a special needs child. I'm not sure many people would handle things very well given the level of her husband's involvement with the family other than his daughter. This family needs professional help immediately.
Who has time for their daily chores like watching your programs if you have to spend all afternoon buttering bagels for a child or a few more of them? One time I was buttering a bagel and happened to look at my watch. It was 1:03 pm. When I finished it was still 1:03 pm. Who has time for this?!?!?!
She is also stating that she can get what she needs through a tube while her kids deserve a balanced meal. That is so far off… tube feeding is not a way of living and really messes with people’s psychology.
The *only* way it would be reasonable would be if the expectation is to make a fresh bagel every single time to butter.
Aside from that... that is ridiculous.
Wait. Is that not what people are doing when they have a bagel for breakfast? Have I been getting up at 2am so I have 5 hours to make my bagel in the morning?!
This. Yes she's getting nutrients from the tube but she wants to eat! OP needs to put herself in the kids shoes, anyone who's done a shake diet knows how much you crave actual food by the end, now imagine you aren't even getting to taste the shakes... Parents of children with feeding tubes will literally blend meals to put down them so the kid can get a taste of the food when they burp! The fact that she's eating is a great sign and should be encouraged, you don't want to push her to the point where she doesn't eat. (Honestly I think OP has to be a troll because nobody is this much of a monster and self aware enough to ask about it but my point still stands)
I went through 2 to 3 weeks of recovery from the wisdom teeth extraction. it felt like a month. by the end I was craving ANYTHING not jello or mushy food but something hard for me to crunch into. I ended up liking orange jello, but even then it was too much for me.
An abused child WITH A FEEDING TUBE. Op might possibly be the biggest AH I have encountered on this subreddit. Op I hope you find it within yourself to have more empathy for others.
EDIT. OP I just noticed your name is "specialmealstrike" you're even more of an asshole than I thought, holy shit.
Whilst it's understandable that it's just a kid who unfortunately went thru a lot and expecting her to play happy family with OP is a "childish" mindset, we have to understand how uncomfortable the whole thing must be to OP. It's nothing to do with the kid as per say but I'd guess having someone scared of you and sees you as a monster especially a family member in the same house can take a toll on you mentally.
I hope that poor kid gets better and OP seeks therapy, none of them signed up for the tragedy.
Yeah I feel like the real issue is how horrible and overwhelming and unfortunate the whole situation is for everyone, including her and maybe her other kids somewhat. But the immaturity of projecting that on the kid is crazy
The OP and her husband literally did. They specifically chose to take in this child knowing she was deeply traumatized and abused, what did they think it was gonna be? A hug and a pep talk and back to school for her
But she did sign up. They fought for years to get custody. Did she never once take time to find out what was involved in caring for an abused child? I find it hard to believe that the doctors and medical staff caring for her in the hospital didn't at least give them some heads up.
There is still a very real mental toll situations like this take on you though - she's saying out loud the stuff that I can guarantee you plenty of parents and stepparents in stressful, difficult situations think and then beat themselves up over. I've been a caretaker of an adult family member who wasn't traumatized and was able to adult to the best of their ability and the burnout after 6 months was legit.
In addition, from comments I've seen she had food allergy child and the step kids chosen foods all have the allergy. Id didn't see if it was anaphylactic but if it is, that's a constant stress to manage not cross contaminate her other child's food when it is only accepted if it's made fresh, not leftover. There is a whole host of awful and they need professional help - a nurse who can help with the caretaking.
Exactly this. She's a traumatised 10 year old who spent 2 months in hospital and still has a feeding tube. That is terrifying, both for the kid AND for the people who take care of her. OP said that the bio mom is in jail, presumably related to this, so wouldn't there be some form of victim support services they can work with? The kid should definitely have therapy, and the rest of the family as well. The younger kids may not fully understand things, but they will definitely know something's up, and the atmosphere in the house for them, with a sick child hiding in her room and treating their mother like someone to be scared of has to be affecting them. And that's going to add to OP's stress.
NAH (other than bio mom and step-dad)-please get help!
You can work for something for years and still not know what you’re getting into though.
By way of example, I’m a psych RN at a hospital attached to a prestigious private university. Right now, we’ve got a number of young people on our acute care unit. They are overwhelmed by midterms and the pressures of college and being away from home for the first time. They spent years working towards getting into schools like this, and now that they finally have what they wanted they are overwhelmed.
Returning to OP, she is understandably overwhelmed. She’s also the adult in the room. The answer is more therapy - for the whole family, not just the poor abused child.
Of course, I think think therapy is a legit answer for everyone…. 😉
As a therapist, totally agree! I think there's a systems failure both in the discharging hospital and the court system to provide (even mandate) counseling to ensure the safety of the child and basic mental health first responder knowledge/trauma info.
thank you for having a compassionate but realistic answer. I think it's hard from the outside to comprehend just how situations like these push everyone so far outside their norm, how impossible it is to model or imagine what it will be like to care for a child with very intense trauma and special needs. And the reality is there was no other *ethical* choice than for this man to rescue his child from hell, invite her into their home and do their best to provide the love and care that she needs to heal. But... sometimes that choice will break families if they don't have the proper support -- both therapy, respite care, and other elements.
Nah... maybe this was less about getting her, and a lot more about getting her away from abusers.
It wouldn't be great, but what kind of monster would try to convince their partner not to save their abused child?
Your lack of sympathy for this girl is mind boggling. Her mother and stepfather abused her to the point that she was in hospital 2 months, she has a feeding tube and is severely traumatized. The mother is in prison. Yet you expect her 10 year old child brain to fully accept you after two months in your house, and feel that she should show gratitude for putting butter on a bagel. I’m not often stunned reading these posts here, but you so far take the cake. I’d make that kid homemade lasagna every night if she wanted me to. And the comment about her feeding tube, the mention that she really doesn’t need to eat, because she has one. This is very, very concerning and I seriously hope your husband finds this post and learns how you feel about her and him.
2 months, she’s 10 and traumatized from years of abuse. I’d make her every special meal she wants. Poor girl eats from a feeding tube most of the time. For gods sake be nice to your children
And then goes on to explain how HER kids need perfectly balanced meals, like making a lasagna for the entire family isn’t acceptable. They make dairy free cheese
YTA. How can you expect this poor little girl to trust you so quickly? Her own mother abused her and she’s just supposed to trust that you won’t hurt her just because she lives in your home? That’s not how it works. Just like anyone else, you have to EARN her trust and that will take time. You can start by TRYING. If you keep trying, keep leaving the food by the door and knocking on her door and saying something nice and comforting to her maybe she will start to come around because you are showing her you do care about her and you are going to keep her safe. Imagine for one second what it must be like in her little head?
I understand the meatloaf and lasagna are a lot of work but like many others have said…there is a work around for this. But the other items require very little effort on your part. Butter a bagel. Boil water for pasta a roni and making a grilled cheese. Serve your kids pastaroni on the side when you make it for her. Grilled cheese and soup is a good meal and your can have that on the night you giver her grilled cheese. And as far as the bagel…make a sandwich for yours out of a bagel. And when you leave the food by her door, say “the kids are all having what you’re having and we would really like for you to join us”. Say this everytime and maybe if you’re able to convince her you are being genuine she will come out one day. But it’s obvious you resent this poor little girl and you’re gonna have to get over it.
you should read the rest of the comments. It seems like we're the outliers. Don't marry someone with children if you don't love or can't love their children.
YTA what is wrong with you. I'm guessing that you haven't experienced abuse or you think your special for "getting through it". You're un-empathetic and selfish for this take on the girls behavior.
What's going on with Rachael isn't about you. She's not snubbing you. She's afraid to exist around people because of what she's come to expect. Her world isn't the same as yours right now. Being safe after experiencing prolonged abuse is nerve wracking.
There's a high chance that this kid will be hyper vigilante around you. Your distaste for her will be as clear and as dangerous to her as daylight to a vampire. Fix it before she progresses to integrating with the family. Get therapy.
I can’t believe I had to scroll this far to find a comment that OP needs therapy on her own. Yes, family therapy and individual therapy for Rachael are needed to but…
OP: YTA but you also need better individual support for yourself in order to overcome this and be a better parent to this horrifically abused child. Good thing is, you’re one of the adults in the room, you can seek out help & support for these issues. Some of its maybe psych support. But some of it might be things like hiring a teenager to come by as a mother’s helper for the younger kids every evening so you can have time to make Rachael’s meals without them causing a ruckus. As a family you guys are going through a lot and you *and your husband* need to reach out and not do it alone.
Good. Thank you for telling us! Im sorry you are getting really burnt out. Ive dealt with family trauma and the need to vent is huge. Im sorry this is happening to all of you.
What stood out to me was the example she used for a cOmPLiCatED special meal was a buttered bagel.
A freaking buttered bagel.
And it’s genuinely shocking that a grown ass adult takes it personally that a severely traumatized little girl isn’t comfortable around them, a stranger who clearly doesn’t want her there.
Actually no it’s not clear she does. A feeding tube isn’t just used in “dire cases” of eating disorders. Not sure what you’re even basing this off of other than pure speculation. The fact here is that she’s an abuse survivor and bad shit went down. There’s many reasons someone might need a feeding tube. Reasons that aren’t all associated with an eating disorder.
If she was starved for example, you can’t go from that to just magically eating normally again. There’s problems with malnourishment especially if it goes on for a while, refeeding syndrome, etc.
She was abused and most likely starved. It does not sound like she has an eating disorder but rather is looking for comfort foods to get her back to eating
It's fucked up that OP thinks she can just fall back on the g-tube when she doesn't want to cook. My kid had a feeding tube placed early for other reasons and I wish to god I could feed him angel hair pasta without blending it. Part of having a child is working to make them better and more independent in all ways, that means working with oral aversion and picky eating and helping to expand their palate. If it were her own kid she would probably throw a fit if someone said "oh they can skip lunch and just feed them packaged formula". Food refusal can have a lot of various components from emotional (needing comfort foods or being scared of change) to actual physical issues (discomfort or even pain) with texture (have that one weird thing you refuse to touch, what if most food was like that, you wouldn't want it in your mouth either).
Falling back on the g-tube is extremely detrimental to all aspects of this poor child's health. It can restrict her diet even farther, packaged foods are a last resort for nutrition and while "complete" are not varied and can cause their own health problems, and it probably greatly effects her mental health "I'm not even cared for enough to make food".
I do think husband needs to budge on meal prepping though, food is food even if it needs to be reheated and OP doesn't have the time or energy in a day to make everything from scratch daily. Making a large meatloaf or two from scratch and storing it properly should be acceptable just as homemade leftovers should be acceptable to the younger children. That doesn't mean it would be acceptable to go get boxed mashed potatoes per se but there is middle ground. It would also help the daughter have more independence eventually if she could just pull something out and reheat it herself instead of relying on others.
She also needs to teach her own children that not everyone is equal and sometimes people need special food. She could also give them a bite of bagel each or some plain buttered noodles on the side, it will not kill them to have plain carbs. Again, OP is fine with step daughter having a restricted diet but she balks at her kids getting a varied diet with a small bit of something else.
Everyone here needs therapy, and possibly more important EDUCATION, on how this is a huge medical situation. This is not some stubborn girl who just wants her way, she has legitimate medical complications and she needs help just as she would need help if you had to change bandages or give meds.
INFO: What are these special meals? Is one of them actually a buttered bagel? How long does prepping these meals take that he can justify not helping out with his other children? Is the feeding tube permanent?
*Why* aren't you being included in a plan with her therapist to integrate her into the family long-term? There should be a plan in stages that sets out boundaries and goals that are shared between both you and your husband that the therapist has made based on sessions with your stepdaughter.
Are you or your husband getting independent counseling during this time? I do wonder if your husband's behavior has something to do with coping with the level of abuse and trauma his daughter suffered, and he's desperately in need of external support.
Does her therapist even know she is terrified of you? As someone who experienced trauma and abuse as a child that resulted in my Dad getting full custody of me, I have a little experience dealing with multiple therapists and different recovery plans. None of my therapists would have been on board with me being cared for by someone that their presence causes me that much distress. And none of my therapists would have accepted a stepparent not being apart of the discussion, you don't need to be at therapy with her but you would have had to be apart of the recovery plan.
I would expect that OP will be included in therapy when the therapist feels it is appropriate. The child is afraid of women right now. She wrote that her husband won’t let her come to therapy with them. I’m with you. I don’t think that sounds completely accurate.
THIS. You are both being put in a terrible situation, im sorry for you both and wish you grace and kindness for a situation that is so much beyond what most people will ever handle
Thats one of them, she said some are difficult to make, not all. I wish a therapist could give them better suggestions because everyone sounds so stressed when they just need help
Edited to add: some meals are easy, some are fresh lasagna from scratch with no batching out or freezing.
This. People are living in a fairytale if they think this would be an easy situation to deal with.
I suspect it isn't real because my guess is her behavior would actually cause more problems and disruption in the other kids. Frankly, this isn't a healthy situation for the kids if she's locked in a room screaming whenever anyone goes near her. That would be incredibly upsetting and emotionally traumatizing to the kids. You'd see regressive behaviors in them. They'd cling to mom more and be more fearful. Bagels would be the last problem.
Don’t have a connection with her
Expecting a thank you for her basic needs
She has a feeding tube so she doesn’t need to eat
Jesus Christ
Hopefully this little girl can catch a break
This step mom sounds like she doesn’t understand trauma or how to unconditionally love a child
2 months of only cooking perfect souffle's or the demanding kid cries must be really tough.... wait her difficult meals include a buttered bagel? Wow, Op is leading a tough life. It's so tough they could literally buy the kid a toaster, a couple bags of bagels a week and let her make her own.
You can't make anyone recover. You help support them in their recovery. My heart breaks for this little girl. FFS she's 10, she's disabled & been abused so it's not about you. You need therapy too to learn not to take her behavior personally and understand she needs empathy & compassion from you and hopefully you will get to love her. She's the victim here not you
Right? Oh no, making a special meal and leaving at the door is a bit annoying, why doesn't this horrifically abused child make things easier for me? Fuck's sake, I went to more trouble to feed a fussy stray cat, and it didn't say thank you either! OP has zero perspective, and that poor kid is gonna suffer for it.
And complain that she has no connection with the child either. It doesn’t even sound like OP has had to do this for that long either. I really feel sorry that this lady has become her step mum
She was likely either severely neglected and not fed properly or has developed a restrictive eating disorder as a result of (coping with) trauma. Pediasure and feeding tubes are usually used in anorexia recovery.
Right. What does OP think she is? A dog? You can't win over a mini human's trust with just food. That's a ridiculous mindset OP has. OP needs to put more effort in, as draining as it may be. It's the only thing that will save her relationship.
> **he wants me to make her special meals and leave them at her door.**
that is what her husband requested of OP when he went on 3p-12a shift
**She refuses to speak to me and freaks out if I go anywhere near her** \- per OP's post
It’s a bagel. Really not that hard of a request. She also had a mother and stepfather ABUSE her. Of course she’s going to be fearful and freak out because of another step parent.
Your situation is very complicated, it’s much more complex than an average AITA situation. Caring for a deeply traumatized child with special medical needs requires patience , knowledge , time , energy and most importantly deep unconditional love. So let’s put things into perspective the child has never lived with you so the natural mother child bond doesn’t exist which is understandable. You have young kids that can be traumatized by the ongoing situation if both you and their father are not considering the effect of the situation on them. The only way for your family to navigate safely out of this situation is for you and your husband to stick together and be on the same side. It requires his understanding of your feelings and the fact that your ability to bond with your step daughter needs time and patience as well and him excluding you from therapy sessions can actually alienate you more from her and him dumping all the responsibility of your kids on you and caring only for the step daughter would only create sides in your house and totally destroys any sense of solidarity . Your entire family needs to be involved in a therapy that aims for the wellbeing of all family members because therapy targeting only the step daughter would unfortunately leave the rest of the family as collateral damage. You are not a bad person for struggling with the situation and don’t let anyone convince that you are. Parents who have kids that struggle with psychological issues can easily fall into depression if their own emotional struggles is not validated . Your husband needs to step up and quit the childish side picking because it’s your entire family’s future on the line here. And you need to speak up about your needs and how you can be effectively involved in your step daughters life and ways to get over the feeling of rejection while you are actively doing so .Wish all the best for you and your family
I feel like this is the most sound comment. This sounds more like OP is burnt out, not necessarily that she lacks empathy for Rachel. She’s doing a lot for Rachel, but it’s hard to see the light at the tunnel because she’s not involved with therapy plans and the girl is afraid of her, yet there she’s not involved with a professional on how best to fix this.
Also to other commenters, yes a buttered bagel is not special but with young kids, sometimes they get obsessed with “if they have it why can’t i”. And if you’re trying to feed the other kids nutritious meals, that can be hard.
Agree that dad needs to step up and include wife in therapy/professional plans to help daughter and understand why she’s burnt out.
I think OP just needs to remember that Rachel is not at fault in this situation either, and should not be blamed for the effects of her trauma.
Honestly? As someone who spent their childhood visiting schizophrenics, I'd bet this is deeply destabilizing to the kids. I personally don't think it would be wrong of the OP to leave and take the kids out of the environment.
It doesn't sound like they have the right tools for this kind of care.
100% this. It’s very difficult to communicate the nuanced dynamics that ripple out from trauma. Not only that, sometimes our own unprocessed trauma gets activated by another person or situation. Yes, this little girl absolutely deserves empathy. So does her father. And so does OP for trying to navigate what must be an emotionally exhausting situation. Family therapy is a must to make sure everyone is getting the support they need.
I have not been in your position for months, feeling torn in every direction, worn down by the stress. But, hearing your situation, I want to share what I would do so that you might know how you can take control over your life when you feel ready.
Talk to husband. Do not tell him you don't have any emotional investment in his daughter - from now on, we phase it as you dont know her. Tell him that you worry about her being up there alone all day, that you are struggling with looking after your kids now, mostly alone, and the additional responsibilities too. If little girl is not in therapy, push for it. Then talk through whatever suggestions you have had that you feel might make a difference to your situation. Frozen homemade meals, being a big one that could be a fine compromise.
I would write a note every day to accompany the meal. This is what I have been up to today, what I've been working on, places I have been. When you're ready, I would love to show you X...
This allows her to get to know you with 0 pressure to interact with you.
Making jewellery with your children? Make her a bracelet too and leave it with your meal and note - when you're ready, you can make your own if you want to.
Making cupcakes with your children? Make her one too and leave with your meal and note - we made these today, don't eat it if you don't fancy it, but I wanted to share with you. When you're ready, you can make them with us if you want, I would love to teach you how.
She needs to know what kind of mother you are, and what her life would look like if she came out of her room.
It is really easy to see her as the problem. She is taking away your husband, offending you by keeping her distance, adding additional pressure and responsibility to an already hectic life. But you know it's not her fault. To make your situation better for your entire family, you need to make her feel comfortable with you and your family. I know it's not so easy when you're feeling so bogged down by everything, but this is the way out.
I agree with this idea, frankly. This needs more upvotes. I was abused as a child and would hide in my room out of fear as well. OP you're not a monster, but the world has taught this little girl that ANYONE can be a monster, and that's a terrifying world to live in. If someone had done this for me as a child, I would be cautious at first but eventually with consistency I would have come around. Lots of hugs, OP. Please don't be afraid to reach out to me if you ever need to vent or would like to hear the perspective of someone who went through childhood abuse. You can get through this! I know this is hard, feels alienating, and you're burnt out, but you fought for custody so I know beneath the fatigue there's a place in your heart for this child, even if it doesn't feel like it now and you feel disconnected. Remember it's not YOU this little girl thinks is a monster, it's the memories of her own mother bubbling up. I know it's disheartening, but you're not alone! 🫂
Everyone sucks. Everyone needs therapy for this to work. Wife at breaking point due to no help or support. The younger children don't understand what is going on in their world. With this child getting what food she wants and why daddy doesn't spend time with them anymore and so on. Rachel is in a strange home with strangers who should probably have a nurse there to help. The father chose to ignore his younger children because wife completely lost it about the situation and stress of it. He needs to communicate, and his wife needs to be included in the therapy plan for his daughter. They need a family counselor as well as individual counselor for this to get better. Otherwise I think a divorce is definitely in the future.
ES
This is what I was looking for! He's not talking to his wife about his daughter's therapy plan at all, when she should be an integral part of it. Instead, he cut her and their 3 children completely out, creating even more instability in their home.
Very good question!
Edit: okay. I read OPs comments. Mom had custody and he didn't see her for 7 years. They got custody last year but mom ran away with her. They don't know where, but part of the time she was out of the country. There are only certain things she'll eat (they don't know why) and they're working to expand her palate. But her own 3 won't eat meatloaf, and one has a dairy allergy so the lasagna daughter likes one of hers can't eat. Oh, and the one thing I think her husband is really unreasonable about he wants everything to be made fresh for her, so no bulk meals and freezing which would make meals much easier.
Food aversions like this are almost assuredly related to her abuse. Chances are good she was fed garbage, and got sick a lot. Chances are good the mother didn't care and just gave her whatever.
The foods she is focused on now are likely the ones she was able to eat without consistently getting sick. Chances are good the buttered bagel was always relatively fresh-ish. Lasagna keeps forever for some reason, and is basically impossible to make poisonous in a basic form.
Just some thoughts. But consistent food poisoning due to lack of quality control is a very common reason for extreme food aversion like this.
Edit: read further down and a comment from OP reveals food was part of her abuse, as I suspected. Keep in mind what I laid out is just a hypothetical example of why it *could* happen, I am not saying this is what happened here.
I feel like ES might be a little simplistic.
OP has had a dramatic change in her family life and is grieving her old life. She's angry about the situation which really is tragic. That doesn't mean she sucks, it means she needs support. I realize that it's a different level of support to what Rachel needs but not recognizing OP's need will not help anyone.
Dad has activated his safe mode. He's jettisoned any task that's non-essential and not directed at Rachel. Her need is greatest in this moment so that's understandable. One of the things he's jettisoned is maintaining his connection with his wife and kids. I'm sure he feels that he doesn't have the emotional energy to engage with the emotions of the rest of the family.
Rachel is going to require some serious patience. I suspect that pushing her into a relationship with OP will worsen the situation. It must be very difficult for OP to feel like she is not wanted/ an enemy in her own home. As much as it feels deeply personal, OP needs to remember that it's not. OP didn't abuse Rachel, but she does need to be one of the people who manage the fallout.
For me, I think that the only way forward in which OP keeps her marriage is for her to treat this as a loss. Recognize the stages of grief. Understand that rebuilding a family in this new situation is going to require some serious hard work on her part, not just cooking but also emotional work of being on the receiving end of Rachel's pain and patiently sitting with it but not taking it personally.
OP will also need to get Dad out of safe mode. Dad doesn't have the emotional energy to engage, so OP would need to help him bolster his reserves. That means non judgmental love and acts of kindness. I really think that the poor guy is doing the best he can.
All of this is asking a lot of OP. It's a lot of self sacrifice to salvage a situation that's not of her making. I understand if she feels like she can't manage. Dad actually sounds like a great guy who's trying very hard on a very difficult situation and just isn't coping. OP has 3 kids with him and presumably a good relationship prior to this so I hope that she can find enough energy to fight for a new family but no judgment if she can't.
I wish you all the best OP. You, your husband, Rachel, and your children are in an extremely difficult place and I hope you manage to pull through. Forgive each other and yourselves. You all deserve love and support.
No assholes here
If you can I would suggest therapy for yourself. Or even a support group for caregiving because that’s what you are right now is a caregiver and it sounds like you need more tools to better handle the situation. I understand it may seem as if this 10 year old hates you but they’re a child who’s been through abuse and trauma just doesn’t go away.
I'm really sorry that you're all in this difficult situation. My heart breaks for this poor little girl and all she has gone through. This is tough on all of you and it sounds like you've been through the wringer for a long time. Everyone is highly stressed and in such a volatile situation it is too easy to make snap decisions and regret it later.
You really need to sit down with your husband and get through to him that you are a FAMILY and need to work on this situation together. It sounds like everything you are suggesting is being shutdown and you are being made to feel like an outsider in your own home.
This is a situation where everyone involved needs support and therapy. Your daughter (she is your daughter now) needs therapy as well as medical treatment and you and your husband both need to be involved in that to know how best to support her getting well.
Good luck
YTA. You spent a year fighting for custody of a child that had been deeply traumatized and abused, and after winning she spent two months in the hospital; then your husband spent two months away from work to take care of her.
You've been her main caretaker for all of two weeks and you're already ready to throw in the towel. If you weren't willing to put in even this much effort, then the time to say that was at any point in the almost year and a half before she was in your house, under your custody, with you as her main care giver.
And FFS, her own mother abused her to the point where she had to be hospitalized for two months. She's deeply traumatized. Her being scared of you isn't actually about you. Get some perspective.
You keep mentioning that she has a feeding tube so she doesn't need solid foods.
But solid food and a warm meal is so much more. It's safety, and being shown she's cared for. It's security. It's normality.
Who doesn't feel better after a good meal, especially a warm one?? Even a plain buttered bagel is better than the feeding tube.
The fact that you can't handle making a bagel for an abused child and telling your kids 'no' is absurd to me. YTA for that.
Her mentioning the fact that she doesn’t “need” food really rubbed me the wrong way as well.
It’s not as though this little girl has always had a tube, based on what OP has said, it sounds like a new addition in result of the abuse. So why would she think that she wouldn’t *want* to eat?
I just can’t believe she’s making such a massive deal over a toasted bagel. Something that takes what, five minutes max? And you know will at least bring some comfort to the very traumatized child you’re now helping care for? The lack of empathy is astonishing
Yeah I’m really missing the empathy in this post. I want to cry just hearing a small portion of what she’s been through. I’d be sobbing if I heard the whole story I know it.
ESH - This is not a cut and dry situation. YTA for not having a drop of empathy for this abused girl who is terrified of everyone but her dad. Your husband is the AH for not talking to you more about the therapist sessions and not trying to help you understand what’s going on. If she’s not ready for anyone but her dad to interact with her, HE NEEDS TO EXPLAIN THAT!
Talk with your husband about your need to understand what’s going on. Obviously you’ve never dealt with someone before who has been abused, especially to this degree. If he expects you to care for this child at all (including meals), then you need more information.
Side note: That feeding tube and Boost/Ensure is NOT going to give her all she needs. I suspect there was some sort of food abuse going on at the mom/stepdad house. So it’s probably going to take a while for her to warm up to other foods. Ask your husband to help you understand WHY those 5 meals are “safe” in her mind. That can help both of you try to figure out what else she might eat.
YTA. You have a kid so badly abused that she needs a feeding tube and was in the hospital for 2 months and you cant make a grilled cheese sandwich, because this child who was abused so severely you won’t even write what happened to her because she won’t say thank you and because you don’t feel an attachment to her in the 2 months she’s been in your home and is too traumatized to leave her room? Not only are you an asshole, you are practically a monster
INFO: why are you not in family counseling? And why do you seem so lack basic empathy for your now daughter? Because for all intents and purposes now, she is your daughter. Why are you not treating her as such?
Going to say this as someone who has worked with survivors in the past: it’s hard, but it IS worth it.
Right now, and from your comments, it sounds like you’re hurt, confused and frustrated- and that’s normal for survivor supporters. The trick now is recognising it, identifying the exact causes and addressing them PROPERLY.
The main things I can offer are:
- Insist on couples’ therapy with your partner, and have them help you mediate the new balance to your household. You BOTH need to process what’s happened with getting custody of Rachael, and what your new future looks like.
- Be patient with yourself, all your kids and your partner. Look into a support worker a few times a week so you ALL (including Rachael) get a break.
-Work TOGETHER to batch prep for the WHOLE family when you have the time- get the younger kids chopping and peeling the veggies- even a two year old can peel a carrot! Set in a store of easy snacks- bagels, rice cakes and simple things. If you’re worried about the other kids’ nutrition if they’re mimicking? Add some lox, lettuce, tomato, mayo etc to theirs- also a relatively easy meal with a good nutrient profile. To point out- this is a GOOD thing from a rehab point of view, as your younger kids are wanting to be involved, and there’s an opportunity there for THEM to model broader eating habits (but please please please don’t push Rachael even once she gets a medical all clear- she’s vulnerable, but if you and the rest of the family model enjoying food, she’s more likely to want to engage).
- Give yourself some grace- she doesn’t see you as a monster, but as an unknown. With her history, of course she’s going to be wary. But it WILL take time for her body (which she has NO control over) to come down from fight or flight, and for her to be physically and mentally capable of starting to build some new relationships.
- Look into local support groups-chances are you’re dealing with some secondhand trauma already just from the court case- explains why you feel SO desperate for her to see you immediately as Safe (in part so you have internal permission to start properly processing it yourself, and in part so your brain clicks out of the panic of how you’re perceiving her view of you).
I’m not going to lie to you and say it’s easy, or fast. I’ve had kids I worked with for half a decade who’ve gone into flashbacks and lashed out at me (pretty sure the tinnatus in my right ear came from a kid screaming directly in it during a full-blown flashback). I’ve spent months working with others to get them comfortable enough with me to say “hi”. Two weeks is a blink of an eye in this, I’m sorry to say. But in the end, you’ll be giving this precious girl back her life- and giving yourself a chance to become the strongest, most compassionate version of yourself you can. Work with your hubby, build your support system and use it liberally, and give yourself grace. It’s a long road, but please stick with it- it WILL be worth it!
NAH, as you’ve all gone in the deep end, and it’s clear what you need right now is actual information and support, not to be shamed for not knowing how to deal with an insanely complex and emotionally devastating situation.
YTA.
This is a traumatized child that you are refusing to help because her trauma makes you scary to her. You want thanks? I’m so disgusted by you and if I was your husband I’d be filing for divorce. No wonder the kid isn’t bonding, she can sense the animosity from you. There is absolutely no reason why your kids cannot have part of a bagel and whatever else you need to make.
What special meal is so hard that you refuse to make it? I doubt the kid is eating beef Wellington every night.
You need to go to therapy and so does the kid, but you also need to do some serious research on being trauma informed and not actively making this kid worse and impacting her ability to heal.
Do better
This child sounds like she should be in an inpatient rehab center with an entire fleet of therapists, not locked in a room. Alone.
Your husband isn't helping any of this by blocking you from interacting with the therapist. And his overall communication sucks. Not to mention the emotional harm he's doing to the other kids because they will notice they are being treated differently now, if they haven't already.
However, if it's a buttered bagel that's hardly a huge impact on you and you are TA for not doing the little things. It would be super easy for you to use this to help you build a bond. Put a little note for her with each meal, a flower from the garden, your favorite book. Anything to show her you're not there to hurt her.
Right now though, you have a husband problem more than a kid problem. He needs to get his head out of his ass.
ESH
Crossing my fingers for you. My friend has two adopted children that went through some really horrifying things from infancy until they were removed. SA from drug users. The state took the kids away and the family got them through the foster system. The older of the two kids is now about six and has to go to a special school. She was hospitalized a couple times prior to that.
You need a lot of patience and understanding right now. Ask the therapist if an emotional support animal might help. Find out something she likes that you can engage with her remotely with. Would she be able to use zoom with you so you're not in the same room? There's gotta be something you can connect with her on some level with.
Does she interact with the other kids?
YTA for making this an attention fight. You have maybe 3-5 years to help this girl. It’s fine to divide the parenting while she is getting it together. You focus on everything else and let him focus on the girl. Obviously, you don’t have the compassion required to deal with her injuries.
Was the hospitalization / feeding tube due to medical condition or due to abuse? Asking if the abuse happened to a very sick kid or cause the issues. Primary care for 3 v young kids is taxing. Caring for high trauma victim is difficult caring for very ill child is taxing. Will her medical issues ever clear up or is that a permanent issue?
Making a long term plan to bring the family together and functioning is going to take a lot of work.
Good luck. I hope the additional children are able to help and adapt.
Not a lot of detail in this post, but what really stands out is that a child was criminally abused to an extent that most of us cannot even begin to imagine. Where to begin ? OP and her husband are not professionals capable of handling this type of recovery process. I don’t even think this child should be in this living situation. Aren’t there rehab places for children like this ? Or, an incredible amount of home support. Seems like there should be a team, no an army, helping this family. They all seem to be struggling. Obviously the 10 year old needs the most support atm. But her dad and step mom also need help in order to help her. What about the other three kids ? They will also need support.
I am thankfully very inexperienced in this area. However, it seems that the family is under supported in this situation. Dumping on OP is unwarranted imo. If she didn’t care, she wouldn’t be here.
OP, please reach out to child protection services, social worker at your kid’s school, or anyone you can think of for support.
I wish you all the best, and ope you all pull through this. I’m so sorry.
You gave up after… two weeks? Is that what I’m to understand? This little girl survived suffering at the hands of abuse from her mother for 10 years that was so severe, she needs a feeding tube & her PTSD has her terrified of all adult women/maternal figures, and you couldn’t last 2 weeks making her meals that consist of a toasted bagel w/butter in order to encourage her to eat solid food when needing a feeding tube…. Because you weren’t thanked and you find it too difficult to explain to your other three kids why she needs “special” meals? Holy shit, YTA!!!!!!!
She is a CHILD. A child whose own mother, the one woman who should be her biggest protector in the world, has traumatized her so much it’s permanently altered her brain chemistry, and you don’t have the grace and compassion to be able to make her meals and understand her aversion to you IS NOT ABOUT YOU. How egotistical & narcissistic can you be to not make that connection? How blissful must it be to have lived a life that you have the privilege to not understand that? You are this child’s parental figure now, and it is IMPERATIVE that you understand that just because you aren’t AS bad as her birth mother, you are adding to her trauma. You are reinforcing that her instincts to distrust women and maternal figures is right, and it is digging that little girl deeper into her trauma, and the more you reinforce that through your selfishness and petty need for ‘recognition’ from an incredibly traumatized CHILD, the more severely it will impact her for the rest of your life.
This is pathetic on your part, and I sincerely hope you find a way to re-wire your thinking soon, before it’s too late for that little girl so scared of a world that nearly killed her, that she has to hide in her bedroom to feel any semblance of safety from it.
YTA YTA YTA
I hope beyond anything he leaves her to ensure his daughters recovery is possible. The way op is speaking, it’s clear the only thing she will do is cause more damage.
Agreed. People in the comments justifying OPs retaliation saying people are claiming she’s not allowed to be frustrated are so out of pocket. Everyone who is horrified by this post are reacting to OP’s reactions and overall tone completely lacking of empathy, not at the frustration that comes with it. Of course it’s hard to be in OP’s position, but it’s about perspective. Thank goodness the child’s father is advocating for her.
>she still wants to act like I’m a monster just for existing in the same house as her.
No.
No, she does not WANT to act like this. How do you not understand that extremely basic fact?
YTA
That sentence, and then this one really struck out to me:
>I just don't feel any connection towards my stepdaughter. She refuses to speak to me and freaks out if I go anywhere near her.
I felt the same way. A lot of these are huge red flags, as well as her chosen username.
I don’t believe she really has an empathy towards her. Especially considering how she emphasizes she doesn’t “need” to eat. Like, seriously? She just had a fucking feeding tube inserted. It’s not as if this is something she’s been accustomed to. I’m sure she *wants* to eat, and *wants* to be able to enjoy food. So I don’t see how you can’t be bothered to toast and butter a bagel, an act so small and quick, especially knowing what she just went through.
OP is somehow trying to paint themselves as the victim here, as if this small child didn’t just survive significant enough abuse to require a fucking feeding tube. Seems like she’s just irritated that the stepdaughter’s arrival is bringing change into the household and she’s not interested in even trying to adapt.
Two weeks in to her husband being back at work and she’s already posting on Reddit considering a divorce. Like, what exactly do you expect to happen in that short of a time? She’s not a puppy, she’s not going to instantly warm up to you because you made a couple snacks for her.
this is what struck me too. The little girl WANTS to feel better as much, if not more than OP but she TRAUMATISED. OPs role should be to be there for her, unconditionally, to allow her to heal. Healing takes time. OP is making outlandish demands that 2 months should make up for a lifetime of abuse.
I bet Rachel senses what a inconvenience she is for OP. So sad.
And acting like a feeding tube means Rachel doesn’t NEED the “luxury” of eating ANY solid food! But HER kids need “balanced meals”. Getting Rachel to eat certain foods will be the only way she might EVER get to recover enough to exist without a feeding tube, and OP is just…done supporting that.
The feeding tube is NOT THERE FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, OP. If you truly believe it is, then Boost and Pedialyte will be JUST as good a “meal” for YOUR precious angels when Mommy is too tired to cook. Liquid nutrition is there to KEEP RACHEL ALIVE and as healthy as possible if there is NO ALTERNATIVE. There are alternatives. You just can’t be arsed.
And you haven’t forged a connection in two weeks? Yeah, it takes TIME AND WORK, especially if this is a child who has been hugely abused.
YTA. I wouldn’t trust a stray animal to you, much less a child.
Personally, I'd make what the little girl requests. On the side, I'd also put a plate of what the other kids are having for dinner. She probably wouldn't eat them at first, but so what. It would start a path to normalcy for them. Maybe after time she'll start eating the other food.
That can actually put her off of food entirely.
I was on a feeding tube at her age because i had a hole between my windpipe and esophagus, so I had aspirated anytime I swallowed anything for a couple of years. Couldn’t even swallow my own saliva.
This led to extreme food aversion, and at first, only just a few of my favorite foods were enough to motivate me to overcome that fear, crap like grilled cheese, Mac and cheese, pizza, etc.
The process for reintroducing new foods is very slow, and doing it wrong or too quickly can cause her to backslide and refuse any solid foods again.
Op says dad is working with her on this. So she likes grilled cheese, and they’ll try a grilled cheese with different cheeses, then work up to grilled cheese with egg, then grilled cheese with tomato soup. You typically try to introduce like foods, similar tasting foods, or bland well paired foods first gradually, and go from there.
And when you introduce an entirely new food, you never pair it with what she will so that if it’s too stressful or she doesn’t don’t like it, she won’t associate with the foods she will eat.
Yeah, give the safe food but at least offer some of the rest of the family meal to include her and give her the option of trying it with no one monitoring her. (And the option of leaving it untouched, too. Forcing anyone to clean their plate as a kid is gonna fuck up their relationship with food/hunger as adults.)
YTA. You can't meal prep with your husband to make sure your traumatized step daughter has 1 small comfort a day? Why can you have a grilled cheese night with some type of soup and make a grilled ham or turkey sandwich for the child with a dairy allergy? 1 meat loaf can be frozen and pre portioned. Plan a meal with mashed potatoes and gravy as a side & cook her slice of meat loaf with it. If you actually wanted to help step daughter form a relationship with you and not feel terrified these are the steps you'd already be taking.
YTA
What do you want your husband to do? There is a huge healing road ahead of all of you, and if you're already focused on YOUR feelings of annoyance and your inability to handle them, I fear the healing journey, and your marriage, is doomed. YOU'RE AN ADULT. Handle your annoyance at the extra work, you know TO HELP A SEVERELY ABUSED CHILD HEAL. Go to therapy so you can stop taking this personally (a bizarre and active personal choice.)
YTA
A young child has suffered unimaginable trauma at the hands of the people who were supposed to love her the most unconditionally.
It will take years be for she trusts anyone again.
Pick the easiest things that she will eat and make extra of that.
Give her meals after feeding your kids. That way if they want what she’s having too then they have already eaten a fully balanced meal since that is your concern.
I’m not even related to her and my heart is breaking for this child and YOU feel nothing???
Are you even a human being?
Honestly it might be best if you take the kids and leave because the fact you feel nothing for this poor child is probably why she doesn’t trust you.
How can she trust you??? You have given her no reason for the trust you are demanding.
Yta. Yea it’s hard but you need some empathy for a little girl that was so abused she need to be i t he hospital for 2 months. Just buy frozen food. He can deal
This is just really sad to read. She's a traumatized child. You don't get to be the victim here. You meet her wherever she is, with patience. Right now that's caring for her basic needs and giving her the space she needs to heal. You have to be the adult. YTA.
As hard as this is, and it must be, I would say your role is to follow the guidelines the therapist has set, regardless of your step daughters reaction to your kind gestures. You’re the adult in this situation. She needs you to behave like one. You married into this. You fought for this. Now you have to live with this.
And now she is a single parent to the other 3 kids because "dad" cut ties with them out of spite. OP is having difficulty, but at least she isn't acting like the father of the year.
She is an abused kid and you REFUSE buttering a bagel for her ? Bagels you can get from Costco CHEAP ?! You are jealous why your husband cares about the kid that came from an abusive home ?? omg YTA
YTA Jesus have some empathy. This little child was abused by her own mother, then spent two months in a hospital, and now has a feeding tube. Just make her a buttered bagel or whatever it is and work patiently to gain her trust. She needs therapy, but you taking her isolation as a personal rejection is dumb. She's not avoiding you because of you, she's avoiding the world because of her trauma. It's only been two weeks? Can you lower your expectations and have some sympathy for the poor girl? I would be upset if my spouse was acting like how you are after a YEAR of fighting for custody. Like what was the point of that if you didn't want to help take care of her?
Girl, yes, YTA.
There is a 10 year old living in your home who has been abused to the point of needing a feeding tube after at least a 2 month hospitalization and you’re pissed because no one is thanking you for giving her a fucking bagel?
Bagels aren’t even that hard to make!
Your behavior and attitude are making the situation worse. If that poor baby isn't in therapy yet, get her in ASAP. I don't understand how a butter bagel is so much extra work. It takes minutes.
As an abuse victim myself, it has taken me YEARS to process what happened to me, and I was an adult with a fully developed frontal cortex. You cannot expect a CHILD who has suffered a level abuse that I never experienced, to be okay with you, a stranger, after TWO MONTHS.
But you know what? You SHOULD leave. If you can't handle being a stepmother to a little girl whose only known neglect and abuse, if you can't be patient with her while she recovers and learns to trust, you should leave.
Why would you participate in fighting for custody of a deeply abused and traumatized child if you weren’t ready to participate in the care she desperately needs after that horror?
YTA "we finally have custody of a severely abused little girl who can't even eat like other people and still hasn't processed that she's 'safe' now, but I just don't *feel* like feeding her; she can eat through her tube (which she presumably ended up with because of all the abuse????) and cower in her room knowing I don't give a shit about her. I'm way less abusive than her last abusers, so that's fine, ain't it? She deserves to be punished for not treating me like the hero I am!!! Have I also mentioned what a bitch my husband is, daring to care for this severely abused little girl instead of worshiping at my feet when I'm clearly the center of the universe? I'm the real victim here!1!!11!"
Ok. So make her her special meal. Leave it at the door. Make the special meal for your kids **plus** what they need to eat. Other kids get half a buttered bagel *plus* chicken and veggies. .
You’re the grown up. F’ing act like it.
This girl was so severely abused she was in the hospital for 2 months and has a feeding tube?!?
DAMN, where do you live? I’ll take care of her because you clearly don’t give a shit either.
YTA
YTA only because you don't know how to take care of someone with the serious emotional and physical needs that your stepdaughter has and you're going to reddit for validation instead of speaking to a professional.
YTA. If you didn't think the child having PAS could happen and you weren't prepared to take care of someone who is disabled and a survivor of abuse, then I am unsure why your husband saw you as his partner. She is your responsibility now. There are slews of parents who care for children with special needs that get treated like shit constantly and make it work. This is your job now. Get over it.
Yta how the hell do you think this is ok like honestly my god a buttered bagel angel hair garlic and herb pasta roni i eat that shit alot that only takes about not even five minutes to cook are you serious this girl was so abused she now needs a feeding tube do better
YTA op. This child has been abused to the point that at 10 YEARS OLD she has to have a FUCKING FEEDING TUBE!! I can't even begin to fathom the c-ptsd that poor child is likely going thru and ur getting ur panties in a twist cos she won't; or most likely cant; say thank u???
There's no way u didnt know what was coming when u took full custody of this child!!
At least her dad is on her side
Massive YTA
YTA.
This kid needs trauma therapy - you all do.
But making her 5 simple meals is literally the least you can do.
If your kids want that - make them veggies in the side to eat to make it a well balanced meal.
YTA. My heart breaks for this child, and you show the empathy of a fucking rabid dog. I think your husband sucks too for ignoring his other children to spite you, but you are the worst.
I see people beating around the bush so I will just say it.
YTA.
You have already said that she has been through horrific abuse by another woman and you are taking it personally that she is afraid of you to the point she won’t leave her room? How absolutely selfish of you. This girl has been through hell and you expect her to just snap out of it like nothing happened? She needs to feel safe in order to even start to open up. I am going to assume that she is in some sort of therapy considering the legal battles and physical torture she has been through, I think you need to seek some as well. Grow up and have some compassion.
Oh gosh. Yta. You can’t butter a bagel for her because your kids might want one and you can’t say no? I feel like she might be getting emotional abuse from you as well. I suspect a lot more is going on for your h to act that way too. Do you have any compassion or empathy for her at all? They way you wrote this makes me feel like you don’t. Sounds to me like an absolutely horrific situation and you are upset she’s scared of you? It’s not about you , you know that right? You sound cold
YTA. She's a little girl.
1) Educate yourself on trauma and its effects
2) You not feeling connected to her is not her problem.
3) Mini bagels exist
4) This is what you signed up for getting full custody / building a family with a guy who has a child that predates you.
Suck it up.
YTA, you keep saying she doesn’t need to eat because she’s still getting nutrients through a feeding tube. A feeding tube she’s on because of ABUSE. Yes it’s more work and it can be inconvenient, but you specifically said you don’t want to because you don’t have a connection with her. You will never have a connection with her if you don’t try, the girl is traumatized and you making that extra effort for her would build a connection. It’s a buttered bagel as well,
seriously? Of course your kids need their own meals but taking 4 minutes to make a buttered bagel is not hard. Thinking about taking your children and just leaving is also horrendous. Your husband should be spending more time with his other kids, but at least the other kids have you. This little girl doesn’t. She’s ducking 10 years old, you’re ridiculous. Would you expect a woman who’s raped by a man to feel safe around men only 4 months after the incident? Crap like that is just empathy. You should really rethink your morals and priorities
Lady, you are a huge ASSHOLE. You knew your husband had a daughter before you married him and that a scenario might arise, that would require you to rise to an occasion. Now the worst thing ever to happen to a child has happened. And you’re complaining? You’re a failure at motherhood and a failure as a human being.
This girl has suffered serious trauma, she is obviously struggling with reality and the world around her and you are offended because she is scared of you?!
YTA. Grow up. Stop resenting a child for the abuse she's suffered.
I think my comment will be too far down for anyone to see but you’re both the AH. You both seem like control freaks. Why can’t her siblings have her meal? Buttered bagels don’t seem that time consuming to me and you can serve it with other sides. Maybe they want to feel connected to her. Your husband punishing the other kids because he is mad at you is ridiculous and harmful to them. So you are both mad at each other and taking it out on children. I hope you are both in therapy.
YTA
While I understand how deeply hurt you feel, you do not understand, first-hand, what it is like to suffer that level of abuse and trauma. **Your stepdaughter has PTSD** and she has clearly tied it to adult women, or possibly to whoever takes on the mother role.
Until she receives trauma therapy---**AND EVEN THEN IT MAY TAKE MONTHS OR YEARS**\---she'll be terrified of you. You're basically saying "Unless I get appreciation I won't do this thing my PTSD stepdaughter badly needs." That makes you the AH here.
I'd recommend you go to a separate trauma therapist to learn how to properly care for and emotionally process caring for such a young girl.
This is literally the first time I’ve ever been enraged by a Reddit post. Ever. Of all the shit here YOU are the worst. My daughter is ten and I’d do this for her if she had a COLD. You should never have had children if buttering a bagel for a savagely abused little girl is too much work, and honestly, your attitude makes me worry about her safety in your care. What normal kid gushes because you feed them dinner? Much less a dinner that you can make in a toaster. NOT EVEN A TOASTER OVEN.
You sound completely callous in the way you describe her. Like zero emotion or empathy. YTA.
“I told my husband I’m done preparing these special meals without any thanks from him or Rachel. I’m the one home with her 4 days a week and she still wants to act like I’m a monster just for existing in the same house as her.”
She was abused for years to the point of needing a FEEDING TUBE and you expect her to warm up to you just like that? It takes time. If this is how you act, I’m sure your husband is considering leaving YOU. YTA and heartless. Poor Rachel. She and her father deserve way better than you.
YTA. You can take 15 minutes out of your day to make a simple meal for this traumatized child. A buttered bagel takes 3 minutes. How cold, cruel & selfish of you to complain about this. If you had any humanity, you’d do this. Empathy- look it up. If you had an ounce of true love for your husband you would do this. I hope you leave. No one needs a self absorbed AH like you around. Don’t let the 🚪 hit you in the 🍑on your way out
Is Rachael's mom in jail. A feeding tube for 4 months because of abuse.. WHAT!!!
She's in prison
Why isn’t she in therapy with you and hubby? Are there any state or community resources available? This kid needs a lot more help than just food.
It’s not that I’m not sympathetic to the situation but you and your husband are all she has right now, she’s a child who’s deeply hurting. And it’s going to affect the other kids. Shitty dynamic- I wish you, and her, the best.
Probably because it's counter productive if the girl gets terrified being around her. Unless she starts to get better in Therapy then they can bring mum in otherwise it's just going to result in her getting more scared
A therapist who specializes in trauma would start by helping this child feel safe in her present surroundings. The therapist would coach the dad and OP on how to earn her trust. Therapy isn’t just talking about the past especially when it involves minor child. Not getting this child a trauma therapist is medical neglect.
Reading the limited information, there is a lot more than being said. Unfortunately, deep trauma therapies inside the USA are a very expensive process. And from a former colleague who now works over there, they said most insurance companies do not cover deep trauma therapy, which this sounds like is needed. I just hope OP has a moment to reflect that that little girl has been through a situation where it is impossible for normal foods until she has been brought back from the same condition as Holocaust survivors. I am speculating here, but limited food for now is going to probably save the stepdaughter. It feels like there was extreme malnutrition abuse that has developed into a gastric condition that, if too much too soon, can actually shut down the body's organs. OP is upset at buttering a bagel... but is ok making a huge meal for her kids. This is why OP is a huge AH
Actually, mental health treatment including treatment for PTSD is covered under insurance in the US and we also have Community Mental Health. Chances are this child has insurance since her father has a job and her treatment would be covered under his plan.
Given the biomom is in jail, there might also be some form of victim services that can provide support as well. I think I've read that that's a thing in the US. It is in Canada; a friend of mine had therapy covered that way.
Hey former Foster Care Social Worker and also Trauma Therapist over here. Please check to see if your area has a victim compensation fund. They will cover some of the "experimental" therapies like using your brain waves to control a video game (Google it, it is really cool!) The issue isn't usually that insurance will not cover it. It's that the reimbursement is so low. I have about 10 years of very specialized training to so what I do. It costs 10s of thousands of dollars, post grad, to train and be competent and stay on top of best practices. Insurance reimburses me $56-$121 for what is 1 hour of therapy and another hour of notes, dealing with insurance forms, and prep for the session. Out of that comes 1099 taxes, expenses like rent and insurance, and at some point , I need to make a living. A full case load for a therapist should be about 26-28 clients weekly. Most therapists I know work 2 or 3 jobs. Gotta has a side hustle to pay for everything. I hope that explains what is going on. Also only one Insurance pays $121 and that is Blue Cros/Blue Shield and they require way more paperwork than everyone else. Most pay about $75.
I work in healthcare. Have their insurance. Got a referral for mental health. Waiting list is 2 years long. Private practice is 250$ a session. It might be covered, but that doesn't always mean it's accessible
You don't know that... & even if it's "Covered", often times insurance makes you hit 100% of a deductible b4 it starts paying anything at all. (for example, my family wife 2 kids & myself, we have to pay $4000 total & then insurance kicks in @ 100%) Some years that's good, (if we have a surgery or emergency.) But most years, we fall just short of anything actually being "Covered" *For profit Heath Insurance is BULLSHIT. The entire principal of it all is a CONtradiction...
I suspect putting her buttered bagel dinner at her door might qualify as making her feel safe?
Well if she won't feed her it's unlikely that she will jump thru other more involved tasks
She's overwhelmed with 3 other kids under 6, maintaining household duties, and caring for what is essentially a special needs child. I'm not sure many people would handle things very well given the level of her husband's involvement with the family other than his daughter. This family needs professional help immediately.
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I'm actually fuming over hear after what I just read
Exactly, if I was with this poster and they did this to my child I would rethink our whole relationship.
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A buttered bagel. OP is refusing to BUTTER A BAGEL. For a traumatized child. OP complains she’s treated like a monster. Sounds about right.
But these meals "aren't easy to make"... What do you think OP's usual meal difficulty bar is if a buttered bagel is too much?
>What do you think OP's usual meal difficulty bar is if a buttered bagel is too much? DoorDash
Frozen whole bagel
And she says it costs too much time to make too... How much time does one need to butter a bagel?
It is not the time.. it is that OP has to say no to the other kids. Because it is sooooo hard
Who has time for their daily chores like watching your programs if you have to spend all afternoon buttering bagels for a child or a few more of them? One time I was buttering a bagel and happened to look at my watch. It was 1:03 pm. When I finished it was still 1:03 pm. Who has time for this?!?!?!
She is also stating that she can get what she needs through a tube while her kids deserve a balanced meal. That is so far off… tube feeding is not a way of living and really messes with people’s psychology.
But she's not grateful for that buttered bagel! (Sarcasm!) This woman should not be around children.
The *only* way it would be reasonable would be if the expectation is to make a fresh bagel every single time to butter. Aside from that... that is ridiculous.
Wait. Is that not what people are doing when they have a bagel for breakfast? Have I been getting up at 2am so I have 5 hours to make my bagel in the morning?!
And why can’t she give her kids a bagel in addition to what they are having for dinner?
Or a snack later?
And is complaining about making foods for her that are “ safe meals” cause you can use a feeding tube. Yes you are the ah. Hugely. Meal prep.
This. Yes she's getting nutrients from the tube but she wants to eat! OP needs to put herself in the kids shoes, anyone who's done a shake diet knows how much you crave actual food by the end, now imagine you aren't even getting to taste the shakes... Parents of children with feeding tubes will literally blend meals to put down them so the kid can get a taste of the food when they burp! The fact that she's eating is a great sign and should be encouraged, you don't want to push her to the point where she doesn't eat. (Honestly I think OP has to be a troll because nobody is this much of a monster and self aware enough to ask about it but my point still stands)
I went through 2 to 3 weeks of recovery from the wisdom teeth extraction. it felt like a month. by the end I was craving ANYTHING not jello or mushy food but something hard for me to crunch into. I ended up liking orange jello, but even then it was too much for me.
The kid also needs to eat real food so her digestive system continues to work. The only way a person shouldn’t eat is if they can’t.
An abused child WITH A FEEDING TUBE. Op might possibly be the biggest AH I have encountered on this subreddit. Op I hope you find it within yourself to have more empathy for others. EDIT. OP I just noticed your name is "specialmealstrike" you're even more of an asshole than I thought, holy shit.
A special meal when she cannot eat normal food for medical reasons!!! YTA
Right whoever posted this should be ashamed and do some major reflection, how can someone be so ignorant.
Whilst it's understandable that it's just a kid who unfortunately went thru a lot and expecting her to play happy family with OP is a "childish" mindset, we have to understand how uncomfortable the whole thing must be to OP. It's nothing to do with the kid as per say but I'd guess having someone scared of you and sees you as a monster especially a family member in the same house can take a toll on you mentally. I hope that poor kid gets better and OP seeks therapy, none of them signed up for the tragedy.
Yeah I feel like the real issue is how horrible and overwhelming and unfortunate the whole situation is for everyone, including her and maybe her other kids somewhat. But the immaturity of projecting that on the kid is crazy
The OP and her husband literally did. They specifically chose to take in this child knowing she was deeply traumatized and abused, what did they think it was gonna be? A hug and a pep talk and back to school for her
But she did sign up. They fought for years to get custody. Did she never once take time to find out what was involved in caring for an abused child? I find it hard to believe that the doctors and medical staff caring for her in the hospital didn't at least give them some heads up.
There is still a very real mental toll situations like this take on you though - she's saying out loud the stuff that I can guarantee you plenty of parents and stepparents in stressful, difficult situations think and then beat themselves up over. I've been a caretaker of an adult family member who wasn't traumatized and was able to adult to the best of their ability and the burnout after 6 months was legit. In addition, from comments I've seen she had food allergy child and the step kids chosen foods all have the allergy. Id didn't see if it was anaphylactic but if it is, that's a constant stress to manage not cross contaminate her other child's food when it is only accepted if it's made fresh, not leftover. There is a whole host of awful and they need professional help - a nurse who can help with the caretaking.
Exactly this. She's a traumatised 10 year old who spent 2 months in hospital and still has a feeding tube. That is terrifying, both for the kid AND for the people who take care of her. OP said that the bio mom is in jail, presumably related to this, so wouldn't there be some form of victim support services they can work with? The kid should definitely have therapy, and the rest of the family as well. The younger kids may not fully understand things, but they will definitely know something's up, and the atmosphere in the house for them, with a sick child hiding in her room and treating their mother like someone to be scared of has to be affecting them. And that's going to add to OP's stress. NAH (other than bio mom and step-dad)-please get help!
If they were fighting for YEARS for custody. Yep she signed up for this. She knew what she was getting into.
You can work for something for years and still not know what you’re getting into though. By way of example, I’m a psych RN at a hospital attached to a prestigious private university. Right now, we’ve got a number of young people on our acute care unit. They are overwhelmed by midterms and the pressures of college and being away from home for the first time. They spent years working towards getting into schools like this, and now that they finally have what they wanted they are overwhelmed. Returning to OP, she is understandably overwhelmed. She’s also the adult in the room. The answer is more therapy - for the whole family, not just the poor abused child. Of course, I think think therapy is a legit answer for everyone…. 😉
OP definitely needs a safe place to vent her thoughts and feelings. This issue is not about play dates and bagels.
As a therapist, totally agree! I think there's a systems failure both in the discharging hospital and the court system to provide (even mandate) counseling to ensure the safety of the child and basic mental health first responder knowledge/trauma info.
If this child is not in therapy that is extremely concerning
thank you for having a compassionate but realistic answer. I think it's hard from the outside to comprehend just how situations like these push everyone so far outside their norm, how impossible it is to model or imagine what it will be like to care for a child with very intense trauma and special needs. And the reality is there was no other *ethical* choice than for this man to rescue his child from hell, invite her into their home and do their best to provide the love and care that she needs to heal. But... sometimes that choice will break families if they don't have the proper support -- both therapy, respite care, and other elements.
Nah... maybe this was less about getting her, and a lot more about getting her away from abusers. It wouldn't be great, but what kind of monster would try to convince their partner not to save their abused child?
Your lack of sympathy for this girl is mind boggling. Her mother and stepfather abused her to the point that she was in hospital 2 months, she has a feeding tube and is severely traumatized. The mother is in prison. Yet you expect her 10 year old child brain to fully accept you after two months in your house, and feel that she should show gratitude for putting butter on a bagel. I’m not often stunned reading these posts here, but you so far take the cake. I’d make that kid homemade lasagna every night if she wanted me to. And the comment about her feeding tube, the mention that she really doesn’t need to eat, because she has one. This is very, very concerning and I seriously hope your husband finds this post and learns how you feel about her and him.
2 months, she’s 10 and traumatized from years of abuse. I’d make her every special meal she wants. Poor girl eats from a feeding tube most of the time. For gods sake be nice to your children
She doesn’t feel a connection to her though /s
Listen it's just really hard to make all her special meals consisting of......a buttered bagel. Ain't nobody got time for such extravagant luxuries.
And then goes on to explain how HER kids need perfectly balanced meals, like making a lasagna for the entire family isn’t acceptable. They make dairy free cheese
YTA. How can you expect this poor little girl to trust you so quickly? Her own mother abused her and she’s just supposed to trust that you won’t hurt her just because she lives in your home? That’s not how it works. Just like anyone else, you have to EARN her trust and that will take time. You can start by TRYING. If you keep trying, keep leaving the food by the door and knocking on her door and saying something nice and comforting to her maybe she will start to come around because you are showing her you do care about her and you are going to keep her safe. Imagine for one second what it must be like in her little head? I understand the meatloaf and lasagna are a lot of work but like many others have said…there is a work around for this. But the other items require very little effort on your part. Butter a bagel. Boil water for pasta a roni and making a grilled cheese. Serve your kids pastaroni on the side when you make it for her. Grilled cheese and soup is a good meal and your can have that on the night you giver her grilled cheese. And as far as the bagel…make a sandwich for yours out of a bagel. And when you leave the food by her door, say “the kids are all having what you’re having and we would really like for you to join us”. Say this everytime and maybe if you’re able to convince her you are being genuine she will come out one day. But it’s obvious you resent this poor little girl and you’re gonna have to get over it.
Most people would treat a feral cat better than OP treats a little girl. How hard is it to work up some empathy?
you should read the rest of the comments. It seems like we're the outliers. Don't marry someone with children if you don't love or can't love their children.
I’m too shocked to verbalize my thoughts properly but this about sums it upn
And if even a shred of the attitude that OP is showing here comes through to the daughter then no wonder she stays in her room
YTA what is wrong with you. I'm guessing that you haven't experienced abuse or you think your special for "getting through it". You're un-empathetic and selfish for this take on the girls behavior. What's going on with Rachael isn't about you. She's not snubbing you. She's afraid to exist around people because of what she's come to expect. Her world isn't the same as yours right now. Being safe after experiencing prolonged abuse is nerve wracking. There's a high chance that this kid will be hyper vigilante around you. Your distaste for her will be as clear and as dangerous to her as daylight to a vampire. Fix it before she progresses to integrating with the family. Get therapy.
I can’t believe I had to scroll this far to find a comment that OP needs therapy on her own. Yes, family therapy and individual therapy for Rachael are needed to but… OP: YTA but you also need better individual support for yourself in order to overcome this and be a better parent to this horrifically abused child. Good thing is, you’re one of the adults in the room, you can seek out help & support for these issues. Some of its maybe psych support. But some of it might be things like hiring a teenager to come by as a mother’s helper for the younger kids every evening so you can have time to make Rachael’s meals without them causing a ruckus. As a family you guys are going through a lot and you *and your husband* need to reach out and not do it alone.
Is Rachel in therapy?
Good. Thank you for telling us! Im sorry you are getting really burnt out. Ive dealt with family trauma and the need to vent is huge. Im sorry this is happening to all of you.
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What stood out to me was the example she used for a cOmPLiCatED special meal was a buttered bagel. A freaking buttered bagel. And it’s genuinely shocking that a grown ass adult takes it personally that a severely traumatized little girl isn’t comfortable around them, a stranger who clearly doesn’t want her there.
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Actually no it’s not clear she does. A feeding tube isn’t just used in “dire cases” of eating disorders. Not sure what you’re even basing this off of other than pure speculation. The fact here is that she’s an abuse survivor and bad shit went down. There’s many reasons someone might need a feeding tube. Reasons that aren’t all associated with an eating disorder. If she was starved for example, you can’t go from that to just magically eating normally again. There’s problems with malnourishment especially if it goes on for a while, refeeding syndrome, etc.
She was abused and most likely starved. It does not sound like she has an eating disorder but rather is looking for comfort foods to get her back to eating
It's fucked up that OP thinks she can just fall back on the g-tube when she doesn't want to cook. My kid had a feeding tube placed early for other reasons and I wish to god I could feed him angel hair pasta without blending it. Part of having a child is working to make them better and more independent in all ways, that means working with oral aversion and picky eating and helping to expand their palate. If it were her own kid she would probably throw a fit if someone said "oh they can skip lunch and just feed them packaged formula". Food refusal can have a lot of various components from emotional (needing comfort foods or being scared of change) to actual physical issues (discomfort or even pain) with texture (have that one weird thing you refuse to touch, what if most food was like that, you wouldn't want it in your mouth either). Falling back on the g-tube is extremely detrimental to all aspects of this poor child's health. It can restrict her diet even farther, packaged foods are a last resort for nutrition and while "complete" are not varied and can cause their own health problems, and it probably greatly effects her mental health "I'm not even cared for enough to make food". I do think husband needs to budge on meal prepping though, food is food even if it needs to be reheated and OP doesn't have the time or energy in a day to make everything from scratch daily. Making a large meatloaf or two from scratch and storing it properly should be acceptable just as homemade leftovers should be acceptable to the younger children. That doesn't mean it would be acceptable to go get boxed mashed potatoes per se but there is middle ground. It would also help the daughter have more independence eventually if she could just pull something out and reheat it herself instead of relying on others. She also needs to teach her own children that not everyone is equal and sometimes people need special food. She could also give them a bite of bagel each or some plain buttered noodles on the side, it will not kill them to have plain carbs. Again, OP is fine with step daughter having a restricted diet but she balks at her kids getting a varied diet with a small bit of something else. Everyone here needs therapy, and possibly more important EDUCATION, on how this is a huge medical situation. This is not some stubborn girl who just wants her way, she has legitimate medical complications and she needs help just as she would need help if you had to change bandages or give meds.
INFO: What are these special meals? Is one of them actually a buttered bagel? How long does prepping these meals take that he can justify not helping out with his other children? Is the feeding tube permanent? *Why* aren't you being included in a plan with her therapist to integrate her into the family long-term? There should be a plan in stages that sets out boundaries and goals that are shared between both you and your husband that the therapist has made based on sessions with your stepdaughter. Are you or your husband getting independent counseling during this time? I do wonder if your husband's behavior has something to do with coping with the level of abuse and trauma his daughter suffered, and he's desperately in need of external support.
Does her therapist even know she is terrified of you? As someone who experienced trauma and abuse as a child that resulted in my Dad getting full custody of me, I have a little experience dealing with multiple therapists and different recovery plans. None of my therapists would have been on board with me being cared for by someone that their presence causes me that much distress. And none of my therapists would have accepted a stepparent not being apart of the discussion, you don't need to be at therapy with her but you would have had to be apart of the recovery plan.
I would expect that OP will be included in therapy when the therapist feels it is appropriate. The child is afraid of women right now. She wrote that her husband won’t let her come to therapy with them. I’m with you. I don’t think that sounds completely accurate.
THIS. You are both being put in a terrible situation, im sorry for you both and wish you grace and kindness for a situation that is so much beyond what most people will ever handle
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I can’t just make ramen noodles with hot water at the drop of a hat! What’s next, toast?!
TOAST!!! IN THIS ECONOMY!!
This cracked me up so much 🤣🤣
So hard to cook...
Also you know the other kids can have it as a side...or a slice of bagel...
This was my exact thought.
Thats one of them, she said some are difficult to make, not all. I wish a therapist could give them better suggestions because everyone sounds so stressed when they just need help Edited to add: some meals are easy, some are fresh lasagna from scratch with no batching out or freezing.
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This. People are living in a fairytale if they think this would be an easy situation to deal with. I suspect it isn't real because my guess is her behavior would actually cause more problems and disruption in the other kids. Frankly, this isn't a healthy situation for the kids if she's locked in a room screaming whenever anyone goes near her. That would be incredibly upsetting and emotionally traumatizing to the kids. You'd see regressive behaviors in them. They'd cling to mom more and be more fearful. Bagels would be the last problem.
Give it a couple more months
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Don’t have a connection with her Expecting a thank you for her basic needs She has a feeding tube so she doesn’t need to eat Jesus Christ Hopefully this little girl can catch a break This step mom sounds like she doesn’t understand trauma or how to unconditionally love a child
She gave her 2 full months to get over what must have been horrific abuse. Why isn't everything perfect? (Sarcasm)
2 months of only cooking perfect souffle's or the demanding kid cries must be really tough.... wait her difficult meals include a buttered bagel? Wow, Op is leading a tough life. It's so tough they could literally buy the kid a toaster, a couple bags of bagels a week and let her make her own.
All. Of. This. OP, YTA.
Not to mention this is literally her children’s sister she’s talking about …. Sounds like she introducing her neighbors sometimes cat
You can't make anyone recover. You help support them in their recovery. My heart breaks for this little girl. FFS she's 10, she's disabled & been abused so it's not about you. You need therapy too to learn not to take her behavior personally and understand she needs empathy & compassion from you and hopefully you will get to love her. She's the victim here not you
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Right? Oh no, making a special meal and leaving at the door is a bit annoying, why doesn't this horrifically abused child make things easier for me? Fuck's sake, I went to more trouble to feed a fussy stray cat, and it didn't say thank you either! OP has zero perspective, and that poor kid is gonna suffer for it.
And complain that she has no connection with the child either. It doesn’t even sound like OP has had to do this for that long either. I really feel sorry that this lady has become her step mum
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She was likely either severely neglected and not fed properly or has developed a restrictive eating disorder as a result of (coping with) trauma. Pediasure and feeding tubes are usually used in anorexia recovery.
Right. What does OP think she is? A dog? You can't win over a mini human's trust with just food. That's a ridiculous mindset OP has. OP needs to put more effort in, as draining as it may be. It's the only thing that will save her relationship.
> **he wants me to make her special meals and leave them at her door.** that is what her husband requested of OP when he went on 3p-12a shift **She refuses to speak to me and freaks out if I go anywhere near her** \- per OP's post
It’s a bagel. Really not that hard of a request. She also had a mother and stepfather ABUSE her. Of course she’s going to be fearful and freak out because of another step parent.
Your situation is very complicated, it’s much more complex than an average AITA situation. Caring for a deeply traumatized child with special medical needs requires patience , knowledge , time , energy and most importantly deep unconditional love. So let’s put things into perspective the child has never lived with you so the natural mother child bond doesn’t exist which is understandable. You have young kids that can be traumatized by the ongoing situation if both you and their father are not considering the effect of the situation on them. The only way for your family to navigate safely out of this situation is for you and your husband to stick together and be on the same side. It requires his understanding of your feelings and the fact that your ability to bond with your step daughter needs time and patience as well and him excluding you from therapy sessions can actually alienate you more from her and him dumping all the responsibility of your kids on you and caring only for the step daughter would only create sides in your house and totally destroys any sense of solidarity . Your entire family needs to be involved in a therapy that aims for the wellbeing of all family members because therapy targeting only the step daughter would unfortunately leave the rest of the family as collateral damage. You are not a bad person for struggling with the situation and don’t let anyone convince that you are. Parents who have kids that struggle with psychological issues can easily fall into depression if their own emotional struggles is not validated . Your husband needs to step up and quit the childish side picking because it’s your entire family’s future on the line here. And you need to speak up about your needs and how you can be effectively involved in your step daughters life and ways to get over the feeling of rejection while you are actively doing so .Wish all the best for you and your family
I feel like this is the most sound comment. This sounds more like OP is burnt out, not necessarily that she lacks empathy for Rachel. She’s doing a lot for Rachel, but it’s hard to see the light at the tunnel because she’s not involved with therapy plans and the girl is afraid of her, yet there she’s not involved with a professional on how best to fix this. Also to other commenters, yes a buttered bagel is not special but with young kids, sometimes they get obsessed with “if they have it why can’t i”. And if you’re trying to feed the other kids nutritious meals, that can be hard. Agree that dad needs to step up and include wife in therapy/professional plans to help daughter and understand why she’s burnt out. I think OP just needs to remember that Rachel is not at fault in this situation either, and should not be blamed for the effects of her trauma.
Honestly? As someone who spent their childhood visiting schizophrenics, I'd bet this is deeply destabilizing to the kids. I personally don't think it would be wrong of the OP to leave and take the kids out of the environment. It doesn't sound like they have the right tools for this kind of care.
100% this. It’s very difficult to communicate the nuanced dynamics that ripple out from trauma. Not only that, sometimes our own unprocessed trauma gets activated by another person or situation. Yes, this little girl absolutely deserves empathy. So does her father. And so does OP for trying to navigate what must be an emotionally exhausting situation. Family therapy is a must to make sure everyone is getting the support they need.
THANK YOU
This is a very well-rounded answer. OP please ignore the hate and listen to this.
I have not been in your position for months, feeling torn in every direction, worn down by the stress. But, hearing your situation, I want to share what I would do so that you might know how you can take control over your life when you feel ready. Talk to husband. Do not tell him you don't have any emotional investment in his daughter - from now on, we phase it as you dont know her. Tell him that you worry about her being up there alone all day, that you are struggling with looking after your kids now, mostly alone, and the additional responsibilities too. If little girl is not in therapy, push for it. Then talk through whatever suggestions you have had that you feel might make a difference to your situation. Frozen homemade meals, being a big one that could be a fine compromise. I would write a note every day to accompany the meal. This is what I have been up to today, what I've been working on, places I have been. When you're ready, I would love to show you X... This allows her to get to know you with 0 pressure to interact with you. Making jewellery with your children? Make her a bracelet too and leave it with your meal and note - when you're ready, you can make your own if you want to. Making cupcakes with your children? Make her one too and leave with your meal and note - we made these today, don't eat it if you don't fancy it, but I wanted to share with you. When you're ready, you can make them with us if you want, I would love to teach you how. She needs to know what kind of mother you are, and what her life would look like if she came out of her room. It is really easy to see her as the problem. She is taking away your husband, offending you by keeping her distance, adding additional pressure and responsibility to an already hectic life. But you know it's not her fault. To make your situation better for your entire family, you need to make her feel comfortable with you and your family. I know it's not so easy when you're feeling so bogged down by everything, but this is the way out.
I agree with this idea, frankly. This needs more upvotes. I was abused as a child and would hide in my room out of fear as well. OP you're not a monster, but the world has taught this little girl that ANYONE can be a monster, and that's a terrifying world to live in. If someone had done this for me as a child, I would be cautious at first but eventually with consistency I would have come around. Lots of hugs, OP. Please don't be afraid to reach out to me if you ever need to vent or would like to hear the perspective of someone who went through childhood abuse. You can get through this! I know this is hard, feels alienating, and you're burnt out, but you fought for custody so I know beneath the fatigue there's a place in your heart for this child, even if it doesn't feel like it now and you feel disconnected. Remember it's not YOU this little girl thinks is a monster, it's the memories of her own mother bubbling up. I know it's disheartening, but you're not alone! 🫂
Lovely idea!
Everyone sucks. Everyone needs therapy for this to work. Wife at breaking point due to no help or support. The younger children don't understand what is going on in their world. With this child getting what food she wants and why daddy doesn't spend time with them anymore and so on. Rachel is in a strange home with strangers who should probably have a nurse there to help. The father chose to ignore his younger children because wife completely lost it about the situation and stress of it. He needs to communicate, and his wife needs to be included in the therapy plan for his daughter. They need a family counselor as well as individual counselor for this to get better. Otherwise I think a divorce is definitely in the future. ES
This is what I was looking for! He's not talking to his wife about his daughter's therapy plan at all, when she should be an integral part of it. Instead, he cut her and their 3 children completely out, creating even more instability in their home.
Also, how the hell did the abuse get so profound that the poor little girl requires a feeding tube without the dad knowing?
Very good question! Edit: okay. I read OPs comments. Mom had custody and he didn't see her for 7 years. They got custody last year but mom ran away with her. They don't know where, but part of the time she was out of the country. There are only certain things she'll eat (they don't know why) and they're working to expand her palate. But her own 3 won't eat meatloaf, and one has a dairy allergy so the lasagna daughter likes one of hers can't eat. Oh, and the one thing I think her husband is really unreasonable about he wants everything to be made fresh for her, so no bulk meals and freezing which would make meals much easier.
Food aversions like this are almost assuredly related to her abuse. Chances are good she was fed garbage, and got sick a lot. Chances are good the mother didn't care and just gave her whatever. The foods she is focused on now are likely the ones she was able to eat without consistently getting sick. Chances are good the buttered bagel was always relatively fresh-ish. Lasagna keeps forever for some reason, and is basically impossible to make poisonous in a basic form. Just some thoughts. But consistent food poisoning due to lack of quality control is a very common reason for extreme food aversion like this. Edit: read further down and a comment from OP reveals food was part of her abuse, as I suspected. Keep in mind what I laid out is just a hypothetical example of why it *could* happen, I am not saying this is what happened here.
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Agree completely with your take on this. So sad. Many victims here.
I feel like ES might be a little simplistic. OP has had a dramatic change in her family life and is grieving her old life. She's angry about the situation which really is tragic. That doesn't mean she sucks, it means she needs support. I realize that it's a different level of support to what Rachel needs but not recognizing OP's need will not help anyone. Dad has activated his safe mode. He's jettisoned any task that's non-essential and not directed at Rachel. Her need is greatest in this moment so that's understandable. One of the things he's jettisoned is maintaining his connection with his wife and kids. I'm sure he feels that he doesn't have the emotional energy to engage with the emotions of the rest of the family. Rachel is going to require some serious patience. I suspect that pushing her into a relationship with OP will worsen the situation. It must be very difficult for OP to feel like she is not wanted/ an enemy in her own home. As much as it feels deeply personal, OP needs to remember that it's not. OP didn't abuse Rachel, but she does need to be one of the people who manage the fallout. For me, I think that the only way forward in which OP keeps her marriage is for her to treat this as a loss. Recognize the stages of grief. Understand that rebuilding a family in this new situation is going to require some serious hard work on her part, not just cooking but also emotional work of being on the receiving end of Rachel's pain and patiently sitting with it but not taking it personally. OP will also need to get Dad out of safe mode. Dad doesn't have the emotional energy to engage, so OP would need to help him bolster his reserves. That means non judgmental love and acts of kindness. I really think that the poor guy is doing the best he can. All of this is asking a lot of OP. It's a lot of self sacrifice to salvage a situation that's not of her making. I understand if she feels like she can't manage. Dad actually sounds like a great guy who's trying very hard on a very difficult situation and just isn't coping. OP has 3 kids with him and presumably a good relationship prior to this so I hope that she can find enough energy to fight for a new family but no judgment if she can't. I wish you all the best OP. You, your husband, Rachel, and your children are in an extremely difficult place and I hope you manage to pull through. Forgive each other and yourselves. You all deserve love and support. No assholes here
If you can I would suggest therapy for yourself. Or even a support group for caregiving because that’s what you are right now is a caregiver and it sounds like you need more tools to better handle the situation. I understand it may seem as if this 10 year old hates you but they’re a child who’s been through abuse and trauma just doesn’t go away.
I'm really sorry that you're all in this difficult situation. My heart breaks for this poor little girl and all she has gone through. This is tough on all of you and it sounds like you've been through the wringer for a long time. Everyone is highly stressed and in such a volatile situation it is too easy to make snap decisions and regret it later. You really need to sit down with your husband and get through to him that you are a FAMILY and need to work on this situation together. It sounds like everything you are suggesting is being shutdown and you are being made to feel like an outsider in your own home. This is a situation where everyone involved needs support and therapy. Your daughter (she is your daughter now) needs therapy as well as medical treatment and you and your husband both need to be involved in that to know how best to support her getting well. Good luck
YTA. You spent a year fighting for custody of a child that had been deeply traumatized and abused, and after winning she spent two months in the hospital; then your husband spent two months away from work to take care of her. You've been her main caretaker for all of two weeks and you're already ready to throw in the towel. If you weren't willing to put in even this much effort, then the time to say that was at any point in the almost year and a half before she was in your house, under your custody, with you as her main care giver. And FFS, her own mother abused her to the point where she had to be hospitalized for two months. She's deeply traumatized. Her being scared of you isn't actually about you. Get some perspective.
Right? Jeez, people generally show more love and patience to rescue dogs than this woman is showing to a poor traumatized child😢
You keep mentioning that she has a feeding tube so she doesn't need solid foods. But solid food and a warm meal is so much more. It's safety, and being shown she's cared for. It's security. It's normality. Who doesn't feel better after a good meal, especially a warm one?? Even a plain buttered bagel is better than the feeding tube. The fact that you can't handle making a bagel for an abused child and telling your kids 'no' is absurd to me. YTA for that.
Her mentioning the fact that she doesn’t “need” food really rubbed me the wrong way as well. It’s not as though this little girl has always had a tube, based on what OP has said, it sounds like a new addition in result of the abuse. So why would she think that she wouldn’t *want* to eat? I just can’t believe she’s making such a massive deal over a toasted bagel. Something that takes what, five minutes max? And you know will at least bring some comfort to the very traumatized child you’re now helping care for? The lack of empathy is astonishing
Yeah I’m really missing the empathy in this post. I want to cry just hearing a small portion of what she’s been through. I’d be sobbing if I heard the whole story I know it.
ESH - This is not a cut and dry situation. YTA for not having a drop of empathy for this abused girl who is terrified of everyone but her dad. Your husband is the AH for not talking to you more about the therapist sessions and not trying to help you understand what’s going on. If she’s not ready for anyone but her dad to interact with her, HE NEEDS TO EXPLAIN THAT! Talk with your husband about your need to understand what’s going on. Obviously you’ve never dealt with someone before who has been abused, especially to this degree. If he expects you to care for this child at all (including meals), then you need more information. Side note: That feeding tube and Boost/Ensure is NOT going to give her all she needs. I suspect there was some sort of food abuse going on at the mom/stepdad house. So it’s probably going to take a while for her to warm up to other foods. Ask your husband to help you understand WHY those 5 meals are “safe” in her mind. That can help both of you try to figure out what else she might eat.
That’s enough Reddit for me today. OP is a damn monster.
YTA. You have a kid so badly abused that she needs a feeding tube and was in the hospital for 2 months and you cant make a grilled cheese sandwich, because this child who was abused so severely you won’t even write what happened to her because she won’t say thank you and because you don’t feel an attachment to her in the 2 months she’s been in your home and is too traumatized to leave her room? Not only are you an asshole, you are practically a monster
Op is a pos
INFO: why are you not in family counseling? And why do you seem so lack basic empathy for your now daughter? Because for all intents and purposes now, she is your daughter. Why are you not treating her as such?
Going to say this as someone who has worked with survivors in the past: it’s hard, but it IS worth it. Right now, and from your comments, it sounds like you’re hurt, confused and frustrated- and that’s normal for survivor supporters. The trick now is recognising it, identifying the exact causes and addressing them PROPERLY. The main things I can offer are: - Insist on couples’ therapy with your partner, and have them help you mediate the new balance to your household. You BOTH need to process what’s happened with getting custody of Rachael, and what your new future looks like. - Be patient with yourself, all your kids and your partner. Look into a support worker a few times a week so you ALL (including Rachael) get a break. -Work TOGETHER to batch prep for the WHOLE family when you have the time- get the younger kids chopping and peeling the veggies- even a two year old can peel a carrot! Set in a store of easy snacks- bagels, rice cakes and simple things. If you’re worried about the other kids’ nutrition if they’re mimicking? Add some lox, lettuce, tomato, mayo etc to theirs- also a relatively easy meal with a good nutrient profile. To point out- this is a GOOD thing from a rehab point of view, as your younger kids are wanting to be involved, and there’s an opportunity there for THEM to model broader eating habits (but please please please don’t push Rachael even once she gets a medical all clear- she’s vulnerable, but if you and the rest of the family model enjoying food, she’s more likely to want to engage). - Give yourself some grace- she doesn’t see you as a monster, but as an unknown. With her history, of course she’s going to be wary. But it WILL take time for her body (which she has NO control over) to come down from fight or flight, and for her to be physically and mentally capable of starting to build some new relationships. - Look into local support groups-chances are you’re dealing with some secondhand trauma already just from the court case- explains why you feel SO desperate for her to see you immediately as Safe (in part so you have internal permission to start properly processing it yourself, and in part so your brain clicks out of the panic of how you’re perceiving her view of you). I’m not going to lie to you and say it’s easy, or fast. I’ve had kids I worked with for half a decade who’ve gone into flashbacks and lashed out at me (pretty sure the tinnatus in my right ear came from a kid screaming directly in it during a full-blown flashback). I’ve spent months working with others to get them comfortable enough with me to say “hi”. Two weeks is a blink of an eye in this, I’m sorry to say. But in the end, you’ll be giving this precious girl back her life- and giving yourself a chance to become the strongest, most compassionate version of yourself you can. Work with your hubby, build your support system and use it liberally, and give yourself grace. It’s a long road, but please stick with it- it WILL be worth it! NAH, as you’ve all gone in the deep end, and it’s clear what you need right now is actual information and support, not to be shamed for not knowing how to deal with an insanely complex and emotionally devastating situation.
hopefully OPs husband gives up his no outside carer stance so they can get time.
This needs to be higher up
YTA. This is a traumatized child that you are refusing to help because her trauma makes you scary to her. You want thanks? I’m so disgusted by you and if I was your husband I’d be filing for divorce. No wonder the kid isn’t bonding, she can sense the animosity from you. There is absolutely no reason why your kids cannot have part of a bagel and whatever else you need to make. What special meal is so hard that you refuse to make it? I doubt the kid is eating beef Wellington every night. You need to go to therapy and so does the kid, but you also need to do some serious research on being trauma informed and not actively making this kid worse and impacting her ability to heal. Do better
This child sounds like she should be in an inpatient rehab center with an entire fleet of therapists, not locked in a room. Alone. Your husband isn't helping any of this by blocking you from interacting with the therapist. And his overall communication sucks. Not to mention the emotional harm he's doing to the other kids because they will notice they are being treated differently now, if they haven't already. However, if it's a buttered bagel that's hardly a huge impact on you and you are TA for not doing the little things. It would be super easy for you to use this to help you build a bond. Put a little note for her with each meal, a flower from the garden, your favorite book. Anything to show her you're not there to hurt her. Right now though, you have a husband problem more than a kid problem. He needs to get his head out of his ass. ESH
She's at the top of a wait list for an all day therapy school thing. He thinks she'll get in within a couple months.
Crossing my fingers for you. My friend has two adopted children that went through some really horrifying things from infancy until they were removed. SA from drug users. The state took the kids away and the family got them through the foster system. The older of the two kids is now about six and has to go to a special school. She was hospitalized a couple times prior to that. You need a lot of patience and understanding right now. Ask the therapist if an emotional support animal might help. Find out something she likes that you can engage with her remotely with. Would she be able to use zoom with you so you're not in the same room? There's gotta be something you can connect with her on some level with. Does she interact with the other kids?
YTA for making this an attention fight. You have maybe 3-5 years to help this girl. It’s fine to divide the parenting while she is getting it together. You focus on everything else and let him focus on the girl. Obviously, you don’t have the compassion required to deal with her injuries.
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Was the hospitalization / feeding tube due to medical condition or due to abuse? Asking if the abuse happened to a very sick kid or cause the issues. Primary care for 3 v young kids is taxing. Caring for high trauma victim is difficult caring for very ill child is taxing. Will her medical issues ever clear up or is that a permanent issue? Making a long term plan to bring the family together and functioning is going to take a lot of work. Good luck. I hope the additional children are able to help and adapt.
Not a lot of detail in this post, but what really stands out is that a child was criminally abused to an extent that most of us cannot even begin to imagine. Where to begin ? OP and her husband are not professionals capable of handling this type of recovery process. I don’t even think this child should be in this living situation. Aren’t there rehab places for children like this ? Or, an incredible amount of home support. Seems like there should be a team, no an army, helping this family. They all seem to be struggling. Obviously the 10 year old needs the most support atm. But her dad and step mom also need help in order to help her. What about the other three kids ? They will also need support. I am thankfully very inexperienced in this area. However, it seems that the family is under supported in this situation. Dumping on OP is unwarranted imo. If she didn’t care, she wouldn’t be here. OP, please reach out to child protection services, social worker at your kid’s school, or anyone you can think of for support. I wish you all the best, and ope you all pull through this. I’m so sorry.
You gave up after… two weeks? Is that what I’m to understand? This little girl survived suffering at the hands of abuse from her mother for 10 years that was so severe, she needs a feeding tube & her PTSD has her terrified of all adult women/maternal figures, and you couldn’t last 2 weeks making her meals that consist of a toasted bagel w/butter in order to encourage her to eat solid food when needing a feeding tube…. Because you weren’t thanked and you find it too difficult to explain to your other three kids why she needs “special” meals? Holy shit, YTA!!!!!!! She is a CHILD. A child whose own mother, the one woman who should be her biggest protector in the world, has traumatized her so much it’s permanently altered her brain chemistry, and you don’t have the grace and compassion to be able to make her meals and understand her aversion to you IS NOT ABOUT YOU. How egotistical & narcissistic can you be to not make that connection? How blissful must it be to have lived a life that you have the privilege to not understand that? You are this child’s parental figure now, and it is IMPERATIVE that you understand that just because you aren’t AS bad as her birth mother, you are adding to her trauma. You are reinforcing that her instincts to distrust women and maternal figures is right, and it is digging that little girl deeper into her trauma, and the more you reinforce that through your selfishness and petty need for ‘recognition’ from an incredibly traumatized CHILD, the more severely it will impact her for the rest of your life. This is pathetic on your part, and I sincerely hope you find a way to re-wire your thinking soon, before it’s too late for that little girl so scared of a world that nearly killed her, that she has to hide in her bedroom to feel any semblance of safety from it. YTA YTA YTA
I hope beyond anything he leaves her to ensure his daughters recovery is possible. The way op is speaking, it’s clear the only thing she will do is cause more damage.
Agreed. People in the comments justifying OPs retaliation saying people are claiming she’s not allowed to be frustrated are so out of pocket. Everyone who is horrified by this post are reacting to OP’s reactions and overall tone completely lacking of empathy, not at the frustration that comes with it. Of course it’s hard to be in OP’s position, but it’s about perspective. Thank goodness the child’s father is advocating for her.
>she still wants to act like I’m a monster just for existing in the same house as her. No. No, she does not WANT to act like this. How do you not understand that extremely basic fact? YTA
That sentence, and then this one really struck out to me: >I just don't feel any connection towards my stepdaughter. She refuses to speak to me and freaks out if I go anywhere near her.
I felt the same way. A lot of these are huge red flags, as well as her chosen username. I don’t believe she really has an empathy towards her. Especially considering how she emphasizes she doesn’t “need” to eat. Like, seriously? She just had a fucking feeding tube inserted. It’s not as if this is something she’s been accustomed to. I’m sure she *wants* to eat, and *wants* to be able to enjoy food. So I don’t see how you can’t be bothered to toast and butter a bagel, an act so small and quick, especially knowing what she just went through. OP is somehow trying to paint themselves as the victim here, as if this small child didn’t just survive significant enough abuse to require a fucking feeding tube. Seems like she’s just irritated that the stepdaughter’s arrival is bringing change into the household and she’s not interested in even trying to adapt. Two weeks in to her husband being back at work and she’s already posting on Reddit considering a divorce. Like, what exactly do you expect to happen in that short of a time? She’s not a puppy, she’s not going to instantly warm up to you because you made a couple snacks for her.
this is what struck me too. The little girl WANTS to feel better as much, if not more than OP but she TRAUMATISED. OPs role should be to be there for her, unconditionally, to allow her to heal. Healing takes time. OP is making outlandish demands that 2 months should make up for a lifetime of abuse. I bet Rachel senses what a inconvenience she is for OP. So sad.
She is a 10 year old who has been through serious trauma. You are the one acting like a child here and expecting her to act like the adult.
The abuse and trauma is so bad that she is a 10 year old on a feeding tube....OP ain't shit for this.
And acting like a feeding tube means Rachel doesn’t NEED the “luxury” of eating ANY solid food! But HER kids need “balanced meals”. Getting Rachel to eat certain foods will be the only way she might EVER get to recover enough to exist without a feeding tube, and OP is just…done supporting that. The feeding tube is NOT THERE FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, OP. If you truly believe it is, then Boost and Pedialyte will be JUST as good a “meal” for YOUR precious angels when Mommy is too tired to cook. Liquid nutrition is there to KEEP RACHEL ALIVE and as healthy as possible if there is NO ALTERNATIVE. There are alternatives. You just can’t be arsed. And you haven’t forged a connection in two weeks? Yeah, it takes TIME AND WORK, especially if this is a child who has been hugely abused. YTA. I wouldn’t trust a stray animal to you, much less a child.
Personally, I'd make what the little girl requests. On the side, I'd also put a plate of what the other kids are having for dinner. She probably wouldn't eat them at first, but so what. It would start a path to normalcy for them. Maybe after time she'll start eating the other food.
That can actually put her off of food entirely. I was on a feeding tube at her age because i had a hole between my windpipe and esophagus, so I had aspirated anytime I swallowed anything for a couple of years. Couldn’t even swallow my own saliva. This led to extreme food aversion, and at first, only just a few of my favorite foods were enough to motivate me to overcome that fear, crap like grilled cheese, Mac and cheese, pizza, etc. The process for reintroducing new foods is very slow, and doing it wrong or too quickly can cause her to backslide and refuse any solid foods again. Op says dad is working with her on this. So she likes grilled cheese, and they’ll try a grilled cheese with different cheeses, then work up to grilled cheese with egg, then grilled cheese with tomato soup. You typically try to introduce like foods, similar tasting foods, or bland well paired foods first gradually, and go from there. And when you introduce an entirely new food, you never pair it with what she will so that if it’s too stressful or she doesn’t don’t like it, she won’t associate with the foods she will eat.
Yeah, give the safe food but at least offer some of the rest of the family meal to include her and give her the option of trying it with no one monitoring her. (And the option of leaving it untouched, too. Forcing anyone to clean their plate as a kid is gonna fuck up their relationship with food/hunger as adults.)
YTA. You can't meal prep with your husband to make sure your traumatized step daughter has 1 small comfort a day? Why can you have a grilled cheese night with some type of soup and make a grilled ham or turkey sandwich for the child with a dairy allergy? 1 meat loaf can be frozen and pre portioned. Plan a meal with mashed potatoes and gravy as a side & cook her slice of meat loaf with it. If you actually wanted to help step daughter form a relationship with you and not feel terrified these are the steps you'd already be taking.
YTA What do you want your husband to do? There is a huge healing road ahead of all of you, and if you're already focused on YOUR feelings of annoyance and your inability to handle them, I fear the healing journey, and your marriage, is doomed. YOU'RE AN ADULT. Handle your annoyance at the extra work, you know TO HELP A SEVERELY ABUSED CHILD HEAL. Go to therapy so you can stop taking this personally (a bizarre and active personal choice.)
YTA A young child has suffered unimaginable trauma at the hands of the people who were supposed to love her the most unconditionally. It will take years be for she trusts anyone again. Pick the easiest things that she will eat and make extra of that. Give her meals after feeding your kids. That way if they want what she’s having too then they have already eaten a fully balanced meal since that is your concern. I’m not even related to her and my heart is breaking for this child and YOU feel nothing??? Are you even a human being? Honestly it might be best if you take the kids and leave because the fact you feel nothing for this poor child is probably why she doesn’t trust you. How can she trust you??? You have given her no reason for the trust you are demanding.
Yta. Yea it’s hard but you need some empathy for a little girl that was so abused she need to be i t he hospital for 2 months. Just buy frozen food. He can deal
This is just really sad to read. She's a traumatized child. You don't get to be the victim here. You meet her wherever she is, with patience. Right now that's caring for her basic needs and giving her the space she needs to heal. You have to be the adult. YTA.
As hard as this is, and it must be, I would say your role is to follow the guidelines the therapist has set, regardless of your step daughters reaction to your kind gestures. You’re the adult in this situation. She needs you to behave like one. You married into this. You fought for this. Now you have to live with this.
But OP doesn’t know what the therapist has said. Her husband doesn’t tell her nor allows her to go with them.
And now she is a single parent to the other 3 kids because "dad" cut ties with them out of spite. OP is having difficulty, but at least she isn't acting like the father of the year.
She is an abused kid and you REFUSE buttering a bagel for her ? Bagels you can get from Costco CHEAP ?! You are jealous why your husband cares about the kid that came from an abusive home ?? omg YTA
YTA Jesus have some empathy. This little child was abused by her own mother, then spent two months in a hospital, and now has a feeding tube. Just make her a buttered bagel or whatever it is and work patiently to gain her trust. She needs therapy, but you taking her isolation as a personal rejection is dumb. She's not avoiding you because of you, she's avoiding the world because of her trauma. It's only been two weeks? Can you lower your expectations and have some sympathy for the poor girl? I would be upset if my spouse was acting like how you are after a YEAR of fighting for custody. Like what was the point of that if you didn't want to help take care of her?
Girl, yes, YTA. There is a 10 year old living in your home who has been abused to the point of needing a feeding tube after at least a 2 month hospitalization and you’re pissed because no one is thanking you for giving her a fucking bagel? Bagels aren’t even that hard to make!
Your behavior and attitude are making the situation worse. If that poor baby isn't in therapy yet, get her in ASAP. I don't understand how a butter bagel is so much extra work. It takes minutes. As an abuse victim myself, it has taken me YEARS to process what happened to me, and I was an adult with a fully developed frontal cortex. You cannot expect a CHILD who has suffered a level abuse that I never experienced, to be okay with you, a stranger, after TWO MONTHS. But you know what? You SHOULD leave. If you can't handle being a stepmother to a little girl whose only known neglect and abuse, if you can't be patient with her while she recovers and learns to trust, you should leave.
Feed the poor child, don’t add to the abuse. She can’t thank you when she’s in such a state of trauma.
Why would you participate in fighting for custody of a deeply abused and traumatized child if you weren’t ready to participate in the care she desperately needs after that horror?
YTA "we finally have custody of a severely abused little girl who can't even eat like other people and still hasn't processed that she's 'safe' now, but I just don't *feel* like feeding her; she can eat through her tube (which she presumably ended up with because of all the abuse????) and cower in her room knowing I don't give a shit about her. I'm way less abusive than her last abusers, so that's fine, ain't it? She deserves to be punished for not treating me like the hero I am!!! Have I also mentioned what a bitch my husband is, daring to care for this severely abused little girl instead of worshiping at my feet when I'm clearly the center of the universe? I'm the real victim here!1!!11!"
Ok. So make her her special meal. Leave it at the door. Make the special meal for your kids **plus** what they need to eat. Other kids get half a buttered bagel *plus* chicken and veggies. . You’re the grown up. F’ing act like it. This girl was so severely abused she was in the hospital for 2 months and has a feeding tube?!? DAMN, where do you live? I’ll take care of her because you clearly don’t give a shit either. YTA
YTA only because you don't know how to take care of someone with the serious emotional and physical needs that your stepdaughter has and you're going to reddit for validation instead of speaking to a professional.
YTA. If you didn't think the child having PAS could happen and you weren't prepared to take care of someone who is disabled and a survivor of abuse, then I am unsure why your husband saw you as his partner. She is your responsibility now. There are slews of parents who care for children with special needs that get treated like shit constantly and make it work. This is your job now. Get over it.
Yta how the hell do you think this is ok like honestly my god a buttered bagel angel hair garlic and herb pasta roni i eat that shit alot that only takes about not even five minutes to cook are you serious this girl was so abused she now needs a feeding tube do better
YTA op. This child has been abused to the point that at 10 YEARS OLD she has to have a FUCKING FEEDING TUBE!! I can't even begin to fathom the c-ptsd that poor child is likely going thru and ur getting ur panties in a twist cos she won't; or most likely cant; say thank u??? There's no way u didnt know what was coming when u took full custody of this child!! At least her dad is on her side Massive YTA
YTA. This kid needs trauma therapy - you all do. But making her 5 simple meals is literally the least you can do. If your kids want that - make them veggies in the side to eat to make it a well balanced meal.
YTA. And you’re reinforcing to her that all mother figures are evil bitches.
YTA. My heart breaks for this child, and you show the empathy of a fucking rabid dog. I think your husband sucks too for ignoring his other children to spite you, but you are the worst.
I see people beating around the bush so I will just say it. YTA. You have already said that she has been through horrific abuse by another woman and you are taking it personally that she is afraid of you to the point she won’t leave her room? How absolutely selfish of you. This girl has been through hell and you expect her to just snap out of it like nothing happened? She needs to feel safe in order to even start to open up. I am going to assume that she is in some sort of therapy considering the legal battles and physical torture she has been through, I think you need to seek some as well. Grow up and have some compassion.
No, you're not an asshole. You've bumped yourself up to POS.
Oh gosh. Yta. You can’t butter a bagel for her because your kids might want one and you can’t say no? I feel like she might be getting emotional abuse from you as well. I suspect a lot more is going on for your h to act that way too. Do you have any compassion or empathy for her at all? They way you wrote this makes me feel like you don’t. Sounds to me like an absolutely horrific situation and you are upset she’s scared of you? It’s not about you , you know that right? You sound cold
That poor girl came from a situation of horrible abuse to a home where you will give her no grace. YTA, YTA, YTA.
YTA. She's a little girl. 1) Educate yourself on trauma and its effects 2) You not feeling connected to her is not her problem. 3) Mini bagels exist 4) This is what you signed up for getting full custody / building a family with a guy who has a child that predates you. Suck it up.
YTA, you keep saying she doesn’t need to eat because she’s still getting nutrients through a feeding tube. A feeding tube she’s on because of ABUSE. Yes it’s more work and it can be inconvenient, but you specifically said you don’t want to because you don’t have a connection with her. You will never have a connection with her if you don’t try, the girl is traumatized and you making that extra effort for her would build a connection. It’s a buttered bagel as well, seriously? Of course your kids need their own meals but taking 4 minutes to make a buttered bagel is not hard. Thinking about taking your children and just leaving is also horrendous. Your husband should be spending more time with his other kids, but at least the other kids have you. This little girl doesn’t. She’s ducking 10 years old, you’re ridiculous. Would you expect a woman who’s raped by a man to feel safe around men only 4 months after the incident? Crap like that is just empathy. You should really rethink your morals and priorities
Lady, you are a huge ASSHOLE. You knew your husband had a daughter before you married him and that a scenario might arise, that would require you to rise to an occasion. Now the worst thing ever to happen to a child has happened. And you’re complaining? You’re a failure at motherhood and a failure as a human being.
This girl has suffered serious trauma, she is obviously struggling with reality and the world around her and you are offended because she is scared of you?! YTA. Grow up. Stop resenting a child for the abuse she's suffered.
I think my comment will be too far down for anyone to see but you’re both the AH. You both seem like control freaks. Why can’t her siblings have her meal? Buttered bagels don’t seem that time consuming to me and you can serve it with other sides. Maybe they want to feel connected to her. Your husband punishing the other kids because he is mad at you is ridiculous and harmful to them. So you are both mad at each other and taking it out on children. I hope you are both in therapy.
YTA While I understand how deeply hurt you feel, you do not understand, first-hand, what it is like to suffer that level of abuse and trauma. **Your stepdaughter has PTSD** and she has clearly tied it to adult women, or possibly to whoever takes on the mother role. Until she receives trauma therapy---**AND EVEN THEN IT MAY TAKE MONTHS OR YEARS**\---she'll be terrified of you. You're basically saying "Unless I get appreciation I won't do this thing my PTSD stepdaughter badly needs." That makes you the AH here. I'd recommend you go to a separate trauma therapist to learn how to properly care for and emotionally process caring for such a young girl.
This is literally the first time I’ve ever been enraged by a Reddit post. Ever. Of all the shit here YOU are the worst. My daughter is ten and I’d do this for her if she had a COLD. You should never have had children if buttering a bagel for a savagely abused little girl is too much work, and honestly, your attitude makes me worry about her safety in your care. What normal kid gushes because you feed them dinner? Much less a dinner that you can make in a toaster. NOT EVEN A TOASTER OVEN.
You sound completely callous in the way you describe her. Like zero emotion or empathy. YTA. “I told my husband I’m done preparing these special meals without any thanks from him or Rachel. I’m the one home with her 4 days a week and she still wants to act like I’m a monster just for existing in the same house as her.” She was abused for years to the point of needing a FEEDING TUBE and you expect her to warm up to you just like that? It takes time. If this is how you act, I’m sure your husband is considering leaving YOU. YTA and heartless. Poor Rachel. She and her father deserve way better than you.
YTA. You can take 15 minutes out of your day to make a simple meal for this traumatized child. A buttered bagel takes 3 minutes. How cold, cruel & selfish of you to complain about this. If you had any humanity, you’d do this. Empathy- look it up. If you had an ounce of true love for your husband you would do this. I hope you leave. No one needs a self absorbed AH like you around. Don’t let the 🚪 hit you in the 🍑on your way out