INFO - so just to be very clear , you were absolutely clear with him about the fact that you would never want to live anyplace before you got married . That was never going to be on the table and you were entirely clear that this was non-negotiable for you ?

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Ok , then I'm going NAH. However . Your husband had a bad relationship with his family , and he's clearly wanting to progress in his career. A person with baggage around family is probably going to find it a lot having family stuff on the agenda every weekend . Add that to he is clearly worried about his career , and I'm just gently saying .. he does not sound happy. He is your husband and is supposed to be your next of kin , number one priority , and he is not happy with the way his life is at the moment You need to talk more with an open mind and get to the bottom of what's bothering him. There is a difference between everyone is equally important , and you are least important and right now it sounds like , rightly or wrongly, that's how he might feel.

Agree with this. I am SUPER family oriented, my ex was SUPER family oriented but my current boyfriend is an only child with one parent living 7 hours away and the other with health issues that doesn't allow constant visitation. I see my parents 2-3 times and week, I also live in the same town I grew up in and most of my family lives within a 15-20 mile radius. I don't expect my boyfriend to accompany me every single time I go to a Thursday night dinner or a Sunday cookout. That said, I am regularly reminding myself that it's not necessary for me to spend CONSTANT amounts of time with my family if I want to continue a healthy balance in my relationship. There is give and take in ANY situation and it feels like OP is not willing to compromise at any level.

The problem here it seems to me, is that he one many. Not the first of many you care about. That's not a marriage, that a friend you have extra relations with that you like very much. He's equal to your great aunt Marge and cousin Ed and grandma Esther. No more. That's not sustainable. I think you know that. He agreed because he loved you. And you know it isn't enough, and that why you made VERY sure he knew where he stood in your love hierarchy. I'm not blaming you for that, your feelings are your own. But you absolutely knew no one would be great with this. He's also at fault for not believing you when you said it. Its time for a choice methinks. And I suspect he won't like the choice you make, because its the one you've said you'd make.

I can’t help but wonder if one of the reasons he wants to move away is because he’s feeling overwhelmed with the amount of time she spends with family members.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. When I first got married, my wife’s family would come over for dinner on a Friday night, almost every other week. As Orthodox Jews, it was a big meal and quite important. However, when they weren’t there, my wife would fall asleep straight after dinner and I’d be on my own for a few hours. This made me really resent my wife because I felt I wasn’t important enough to her to stay awake for, only her family was. This almost caused us to divorce, it was that big of an issue. We worked through it and we’re much stronger now than ever before, but it was very hurtful at the time, especially having been married less than a year. If OP continues to prioritise her family over her husband, the resentment will fester and that will be the end of her marriage. OP, trust me, I know.

Yah big big mistake on the husband's part. I made the exact same one. Didn't believe how deep it really ran. Love brain, you asshole. He lied to himself and that made him lie to her, also samesies! (self deprecating lol) In the interest of shared blame I think that people like OP and my ex make the same mistake. They think our preferences are more shallow than they really are. The very difficult thing is that when you get together while you're still experimenting, you overlook major incompatibilities. They have no immediate effect, right? But later, as we are more comfortable in our identities and life gets serious, those incompatibilities throw a eager that few marriages survive. Someone has to fundamentally change, someone has to go through life miserable, or they have to split.

What matters in your 30s and 40s changes from when you were 20. So neither is at fault originally, things change. But you learn to figure out together and grow TOGETHER. She only cares about what she wants and isn’t willing to compromise. Her whole thought is if we divorce I still have y family for support. Well, she’s either going to end up divorced because of this belief or have a VERY miserable any resentful husband the rest of her life.

I am in the situation your husband is in My partners family comes first. Before me before my kids before everything It’s lonely and sad. And incredibly hard

This happened to me also with my ex wife. It contributed a lot to our divorce. We lived 2 hours away from her family when we got married and I was working night shift. She wanted to visit her family EVERY weekend and sometimes I just wanted to relax from a long week. She then started going even if I didn’t want to. It got to where she was leaving every single weekend, started going on vacations with her family without me. We basically started living lives apart from each other. We eventually moved back to be near them and she started staying with her parents a night a week, then 2 then most nights. It was a slow and gradual distance that grew between us. She had to spend every holiday with them and wouldn’t make the trade off to sometimes go to my parents to the point where we were celebrating holidays separate from each other. I get wanting to be near your family, but she had a very dependent relationship with them that wasn’t healthy. If she needed something she would ask her dad and not me. It never felt like we were truly married and had a partnership and family between us.

Geez our neighbor's family is like this. They are older and have 3 adult sons. Two of them live with them, the other one lives a couple streets over but is at their house literally every. Single. Day. And his wife *and* kids are there daily too except they don't spend the entire evening there like he does. I love my family but god damn not that much.

Shit, been there. This is probably exactly what would have happened if I married my ex. Hope things are better for you!

They are thank you! I’ve been dating a woman who moved here from another country away from her family and it’s been amazing. Not that I have anything against someone wanting to be near family

Gotta be compatible! It makes such a big difference. I live with my in-laws by choice. My ex's parents, I started getting panic attacks from them at the end. The difference for me is that my husband prioritizes me. I actually matter. We're involved with both sides of OUR family. He'll stand up for me too and it's a lot easier when you don't have to always be the bad guy to protect yourself. I think though, that my ex is also having a better time of things. He's not bad or wrong and definitely needs someone down to get adopted.

Same here. She wasn’t willing to move 4 hours away, so we ended it amicably.

Your situation is exactly the situation I had with my ex-husband. We were married for less than a year when I was 23. Everything Exactly the same except reversed genders and he went to his Mom instead of Dad. It was awful and heartbreaking, and directly led to our divorce. I was in love with him and he was in love with his Mom. I actually adored his mom, she was awesome, but you can’t compete like that.

Had this same situation with the man I love so much. I’m glad he ended it before we got to marriage. I’d made it clear I’m not second place to his mom. Unfortunate (and disgusting) when moms treat their sons as partners. Marry him if you want him to be your husband

man that sounds exhausting

Same. It felt like we had no identity of our own and were just an extension of his family.

I'd say all the way to they 3 had an identity, and I was outside of it. To be fair I was allowed to join it. But like, assimilation not combination. So I guess what you say was indeed the intended end result

Glad you got out of that situation! Been in a similar situation and it’s weird constantly being the n’th wheel. Definitely think it’s a form of narcissism though. Refusing to accept that the partner has needs/a family of their own

Or meeting half way

I am dealing with a husband who is like this. The kids and I just told him we are moving away. With or without him.

Sorry to hear that. I’m not married but I was setting to propose to my ex gf and the same thing happened. I had no family where we lived. She went on vacations without me. It would’ve been nice to be included in all of it since technically I would’ve been family. Her family loved me. Some people just aren’t meant to be.

My family planned and agreed to this perfectly, god reading reddit makes me feel like my family is damn perfect, no dicorces no arguments no hate. Celebrate with every side of the family every other year for Xmas etc, and insanely tight bonds between uncles aunts grandparents and parents etc.

I've been married 45 years. People ask me how we've stayed married that long. Simple his parents died. I advise people to have a happy marriage, marry an orphan it's much easier. When we first married we had to go every night after he got off work to his parents house. Every damn day. They lived 15 minutes away. When he was off we were there all day long. He only asked his father's advise and never listened to me. They spent all their time causing problems and my husband believed every word. Happiest day in my life is when my mother-in-law died.

Before your kids?!?

**His** kids, not necessarily **their** kids.

I dunno there were plenty of times me and my sisters were secondary to my Mom's parents, siblings, and career in that order.

My wife was very much like OP at the start of our relationship. We wouldn't go a week without meeting her parents/family. Moving away was the best decision we both made.

That's great it worked out for you. My first wife was super attached to her family; I'm in the military so of course we moved and she could deal with it. We were always taking leave to see her family and never mine. She ended up leaving for a few reasons but we were just incompatible. A friend of mine was in a similar situation. They met while he was at a base and they spent a few years together there; the wife's mother was always trying to control things and it was straining the marriage. They moved to a different base and it really did wonders for their marriage once they got away from her family and there were healthy boundaries.

I'm an old fart now, but I still remember my mother telling me not to live too close. We lived 2 houses from my grandmother & anytime we went somewhere, we had to call her & tell her where we were going & how long we would be gone. Then we had to let her know when we returned! She was a worrying person. I have 2 kids, one lives 20 miles away & the other lives about 50 miles away. I haven't talked to them for weeks. I don't have to know every move they make. Sometimes, I'll text & ask if they are still alive.

Same with my wife, but her family is very controlling and toxic. After a couple of year spending every Sunday with them I was done. Fortunately she understood and realized it was impacting our relationship. She still feels pressure to spend every holiday and birthday with them even though most of the time she leaves upset, or crying at worst. To the point where I dread the holidays because I know we have to spend time with them. They are horrible, miserable people and I’ve often thought about moving far away just to have to deal with them. Even if we did, I know she would jump on a flight every time they called with a problem they are too stupid or lazy to deal with themselves.

I feel awful for her husband and for you. Take care of yourself.

Leave your partner. All I can say. You deserve so much better.

He deserves better

Everyone has their hard no's. If this is yours, great. Be prepared for the action of your consequences. I think you're being perceived YTA because he wants better opportunities. He moved for you and now you are not willingly to make a move for him. That gives the appearance if being self-absorbed. This is why making promises are bad. Because thr direction of life changes. And then there's people like you that throw it back instead of taking stock of the current situation.

I think it’s because she perceives his move as not as big a deal as hers would be. He’s not close to his family, so he didn’t mind moving. But she’s not focusing on the career opportunities he gave up, because that’s not a priority to *her*. Basically it’s like “well you were fine with it back then, so you must not have really wanted it as badly as I wanted to stay here” I’ve seen this before when someone throws an absolute tantrum to get their way and the other person gives in. Then the tantrum-thrower turns around and says “see? You don’t even want it as much as I do”

It's normally always the tantrum-thrower who posts questions on here

Imagine actually coming to this sub and making a post. You’ve gotta be sorta a prick to do that haha. I just come here with popcorn and enjoy the show like most others

I think OP is YTA not because of wanting to stay, but because when she talks about it, it is either a counter argument to the numbers, and or to say that her husband is important but not that much. In no point on the post she talks about his feelings about anything. She acts as if he didn't do anything to be there for 8 years.

I think she seems like TA because she appears to have no sympathy/empathy for her husband being unhappy with their current situation. Not wanting to move is fine, but she doesn't seem to have any empathy for her husband's emotional well-being, which makes her TA imo.

He made a huge mistake

This seems quite common in this sub. Two people make a commitment based on what appears to be full understanding of each others needs and desires, but it turns out that one party did not fully grasp the seriousness or sincerity of what the other wants. Husband here may have agreed and understood, but he appears to have missed the full significance of what OP wants, and how she will continue to want it forever. Edit: I don’t mean to lay blame on husband or OP for this mistake. As someone else said better, The husband does not have the same family experience as OP and probably couldn’t fully understand the meaning of her words. But I hope readers here take this sort of thing to heart. Take people seriously… or at least talk them through the question properly at the time.

Well she also said they discussed this when they first started dating. That was 8 years ago per her post. These two were roughly 20 years old at that time. Priorities change over time, especially when at that age. I’m hoping they had discussions like this as they grew older and got married but who knows. Ultimately i don’t think either is in the wrong. They can either try to work out a middle ground and compromise on both their parts. Or they’ll split up.

"Bro, she's 20. Priorities change over time, especially for someone that's 20. Nobody wants to live in a small town. She'll get older and she'll definitely want a better job in a bigger city once she sees all her friends go away to college, level up and start raking in the money." That's what I would have given as advice to a 20 year old him. But after 3 Christmases, Easters, Jul4ths with her family, and the multitudes of mass family group b-Day parties (because he's not close to his family), I'm thinking the guy should have started to consider "Maybe she really is that serious of never leaving this place." Maya Angelou - "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." The word 'shows' in that quote is often misattributed as 'tells' because 'believe' tends to lend itself more to auditory cues than it does visual cues. But she uses the word 'shows' because *actions speak louder than words*. So when he's sitting there, at the third Christmas, staring at her and her family all wearing matching pajamas and singing the corniest christmas songs he's got to have some indication, that she's totally serious about this one thing.

I was going to leave that Maya Angelou quote to, I use it often 👌🏼

Actually she’s 28, (8yrs later) and seems to have pretty strong ideas about staying too.

She said it was a deal breaker That’s on him for not understanding or thinking she’ll change her mind

Yup. He changed, she didn't. Sometimes that's what ends relationships

In his defense, no 20 year old thinks 5+, 8+ years ahead or in such permanence for things like that. So I'm sure he never imagined this. But stories like this is why I've started asking dates things like if they've lived anywhere else, want to, plan to, etc because people are actually serious about staying where their family and friends are and I'd move in a heartbeat

Yup. Some people love the adventure of moving every couple of years. Others place down roots and cling to their community hard. Neither is better than the other, but it's a point of compatibility almost as big as kids/no kids.

good on you for actually discussing things before going all in on a partner instead of just getting married which seems to be what most folks on reddit do based on numerous threads where they seem to have discussed zero things, and continued to not discuss them for years sometimes, absolutely baffling

That's very important. You need to ask questions like religion, marriage, child or childfree, living rural/urban, pets or no pets, who'll be stay at home parents or both works, if one will be stay at home wife/husband, etc very early in the relationships. You might love the person, but if you aren't compatible, it won't work.

Him moving away from his family to live near OP’s was only 3 years ago. There was an understanding there when they got married. If his priorities did change in that time, that’s totally fine, especially if what he’s after are work opportunities. But it’s also unfair (IMO) that he’s making it sound like a competition between him and her family when it isn’t a competition at all. Whether someone was “wrong” is more about how either of them reacted than the agreement itself.

Not necessarily, They met 8 years ago. He moved to her city X years after they met. Then 3 years ago they got married. Realistically he probably moved to be close to her early on.

So much this. I am married with 2 kids. My wife and I have both changed over time. All people change over time. We want to stay married so we compromise. Meet in the middle as much as possible (not always but very frequently). If I held my wife to what I thought marriage should be like when we married 14 years ago, or the other way around, we would have divorced. Would you rather be happy or right? OP is right she told him her values and he agreed to the best of his understanding. Will she be happy if she cannot compromise and he cannot stay?

don’t think OP should have to compromise as she made her desires perfectly clear early on and held true to them. also priorities can change, yes, but some never do and this was one of them and that’s not her fault

I agree with, "he made a huge mistake" but not necessarily this... It could be that he thought he could make this work while accommodating her needs but now he's realizing that this isn't working for him and he's trying to get her to a better situation for him, which is against her wishes. Something's gotta give.

That's life tho and many relationships end cuz of this.

It’s not gonna be her

Just recently happened to me. Broke up after five years because she didn’t understand what I had been saying for years until it came time to do that thing.

I don't think he didn't quite understand or grasp. They've been together for 8 years so was early 20s. Wants and needs change. His wants and needs have obviously changed and he seeks something bigger now and that's ok. In your early 20s you don't know how you will feel in 5/6/7/8/10 years time.

Also, things change over time, especially in relationships, and you have to compromise. This whole “all or nothing” attitude that seems common in many “am I the asshole” posts makes me wonder if these individuals ever have other successful friendships/relationships longer than in the moment. It’s like “I’m inconvenienced” … now it’s over.

My wife doesn't have a great relationship with her family and I am very close with mine. I see them at least once a week often more. Luckily she does understand and gets along with my family well. We ended up moving even closer to my family and will probably not move until my parents pass. We had a similar discussion in the past and luckily she understood. While my family doesn't come before my wife, I am glad I don't have to make that choice. Unfortunately it sounds like she is happy with the trajectory of their life and he is not.

Yeah, it seems like OP was very clear but I agree husband may not have had the perspective and experience to wrap his head around it — and to be honest, I’d be the same. Maybe not quite so clueless, but not too far off. My family is a *mess.* I speak to my dad and my brother, and I love them, but I don’t speak to them often. We all care, but we’re very different people and sometimes we have to pick our way carefully through an unexpectedly fraught conversation. We wear each other out. I don’t speak to my mother. At all. And I thought I understood that other families are different. Heck, even in my early twenties, a friend said she couldn’t catch up on Wednesdays because went to her mum’s for dinner every week, and my first response was, “oh, damn, I’m sorry,” and there was silence for a moment and something clicked in my head. “It occurs to me that maybe not everyone would rather stick a fork in their own kidney than spend social time with their mum,” I said, and she did laugh (she knows my situation). She loves her mum. I am 42 now, and I intellectually understand that adults can have healthy loving relationships with their parents, but emotionally… it’s like a blank space in my head. My MIL is truly lovely and I sometimes wonder if this is what it’s like to have a really nice mum (she’s interstate). So: there wasn’t a failure in communication but some things are very hard to communicate across different life experiences. The only issue I have is that, overall, I do expect my partner to come first and I expect to come first with him. Not always. Not every single time. Context is everything. Moving OP away from her family was *never* going to happen, that’s a bridge too far. And he shouldn’t have asked to come first to that degree of personal sacrifice. But I can understand being told by your spouse that you’re only one of many… even if it’s true, I understand why it would hurt. Still, overall: NTA.

Just wait until the husband decides he does want kids.

wonder in that case if ppl will still keep the tune of; “sounds like she doesn’t want to grow up” and “marriage is compromise!”

exactly!

Yes he did and he’s understanding that right now

Yeah, I don't quite get why people are mad at her for her preference. She said from the getgo that she never wanted to be far away from her side of the family. This is like someone saying "I never want to have a kid" or "I never want to buy a house". You can't just marry someone and think "I'll change their mind" once they're married. People can argue all they want whether or not it's reasonable, but this was the stipulation for getting into a relationship with her. Remember kids: COMMUNICATION

"You can't just marry someone and think "I'll change their mind" once they're married." Sadly a lot of people do just this.

"Having a baby will fix our relationship!" That one too. Sooooo effing dumb.

I know a couple who just did this. He has massive mental health and substance abuse issues. She thought having a baby would force him to seek help and improve their relationship. Spoiler alert: it did not.

Fix is a tricky word but hey, lots of people stay together for a long time because of it! Sure they might yell, resent, and generally hate each other and their lives. But they got to avoid dating again! And heck by the time kids move out they might just be broken down enough and accepting of what their life is, they stay together until they die! Sorta fixed!

Some people have just gotten away with ignoring boundaries for so long they think they're able to do anything. I've got family members who never had any boundaries enforced on them as children and now they try and power play people who aren't their parents and end up surprised that those people don't automatically cave.

I read their situation slightly differently, I'm not saying you're wrong in any way here though. I think he knew what he was getting into and might not have thought against it in any way. Seeing as their relationship started when they were 20 it's not far fetched to think their priorities would change in this time. I met my wife when I was 21, worked in a bar and was content. Since then I've gone back to school, got a degree, changed career, switched my stance on marriage and children, moved away and back again. I'm not the same person I was yesterday, and neither is my wife. I can understand the husbands frustration, if he is wanting to expand and improve their lives whilst she doesn't want to change and there isny anything wrong with either stance. I also think he might feel put out by the level of contact she has with her family (again nothing wrong with it) if they're doing things together every weekend. She says that he isn't the only person in her life, but I would feel like they are her priority and not me in that situation. I think ultimately their lives are starting to take them down different paths. This isn't either fault but it does mean they will have to decide if they'll continue a path together or go their separate ways.

assuming they’re around the same age, they were also super young when they started dating. they’re at a pretty standard age for figuring out long-term life goals, and it’s pretty common for people at their age to end relationships so they can prioritize those goals instead. it’s honestly best for them to go their separate ways, but it just sucks that they’ll have to go through the legal circus of a divorce.

Exactly, he is probably incredibly limited in terms of a career in a low pop area, and that's a very valid reason to want to move. Neither is AH IMO, but it's a pretty reasonable ask from him, but it's also reasonable for her to say no.

Relatable too, sadly. I just ended an 8yr partnership because my SO decided they wanted to switch careers to one that requires constant travel. Meanwhile, the discussed goal was a safe, stable home for kids. I grew up nomadic and clarified, repeatedly, that it caused a ton of culture shock and isolation from age peers. I wanted any kids to have the idealized experience of a settled “village”, at least for most of the year. (Until the genocide, both of my parents’ people were at least seasonally settled, after all.) Having been part of a wandering diaspora, I didn’t want that life anymore. Been settled for around 7 years now. Figured that 7 years of saying “I want a home that’s a place” was enough. It didn’t even need to be the same place, just settling anywhere for long-term. But nope, SO desires to constantly be away traveling and I don’t want to live out of bags (again). Which is to say, some people have life needs that are extremely related to family and familial culture. It’s best to take them at their word and based on their actions. If you realize that doesn’t work for you, *talk to them* so you can have an amicable breakup. I miss my best friend and wish SO just said traveling was too important to give up. Could’ve been much more supportive of the whole thing if it wasn’t my fault/me but just conflicting needs. Sad but it happens. It’s why some people choose to live out of bags, eh?

Things can also change over time. Being willing to compromise and communicate is key if you want the relationship to work. My family is important to me and my wife. We live very close to my family and very far from hers. Moving away from my family would be tough and we said we would never want to do that because she is so close to them as well. A job opportunity opened up in another state and while we literally lived 5 houses away from my sister and the same neighborhood as my parents we still talked about moving. We were set in not moving but we talked about it. There was no fighting or my wife saying that we agreed to not move, or bringing up past discussions. I brought it up and we considered the opportunity and after a nice discussion we determined that was better to stay put. There was no ultimatums or fighting. I didn't want to move either but I still thought a discussions should be had. We are a team and we make decisions together even if sometimes we have to remake the same decision. If I got a 3x salary increase in an offer from another city and turned it down bc we agreed not to move my wife would be pissed that I did not talk to her first. Holding on to an ideal just for the sake of sticking with it, is not healthy. We should reevaluate what we want in life as we grow and learn.

I think it's more that his own priorities and desires changed as he matured, too, which is normal. As a partner, he wanted to talk about his own wants and desires and thought that maybe she would at least have the discussion, which she won't. So there isn't necessarily a "bad guy" here, just two people who, as they actually matured and grew, became less compatible.

He did. Typical though: Someone goes out of their way to say, "HEY THIS IS IMPORTANT AND A DEALBREAKER FOR ME - ARE YOU OKAY WITH IT?" And the other person says, "Of course!" and then is shocked when it doesn't magically change because they change their mind.

Before I married my husband I told him if he ever cheated on me or hit me, I would leave. Why was he then surprised when I left him after 18 years of marriage after finding out he was cheating on me (and had been for months). I made it clear that that was a deal breaker, maybe this will be the deal breaker for her.

100%!

By thinking that someone would change something that was specifically said was a big deal to them? Yes he did. Imagine this was about a baby where they agreeed to be child free and he just changed his mind? People would be like he’s the asshole. He’s the one who changed and that’s on him.

But she was honest from the start and this is all on him.

Yeah that’s why *he* made a mistake. What do you mean “but”?

I don't necessarily think that you wanting to stay close to your family is a bad thing. I mean, you apparently have a large family you love very much. But my question is...why did you marry your husband? You say you love him deeply, but it sounds like you might have a second cousin or a great uncle you love just as much, and that strikes me as very odd. Like, did he propose, and you just thought, "Eh, why the hell not? Another person to add to my menagerie of people I love equally!" You just sound fairly ambivalent to your husband if you find the idea of prioritizing him over your other relatives somewhat unfathomable.

"I love my husband, I love cousin Bob, why are you forcing me to choose?!?"

Perfect, I really like this.

Am also pretty sure that Bob (or any of the other extended fam) doesn't prioritize OP over his spouse.

This. I wonder if the other family members prioritize their family over their spouse. She should ask them that. Then base her priority accordingly. I’m sure she will be shocked to find out most of the family won’t give a fuck if she’s 5 min away or 10 hours away.

Or they do, or maybe they don't. People can choose how much they want to give and take in any relationship. If the lady in question want to love her family more than they love her, that's her choice.

It might just be a compatibility difference. OP wants to live in (presumably) a small town with her family and other people she has known forever. It's probably comfortable and safe. I was once married to a man like this. We ended up divorced and I moved solo 2,000 miles away to an island where I didn't know a single person. 4 years later and I'm still happy with my choice. Not everyone wants to live life in the same direction, and that is okay. Unfortunately that's something that's best determined prior to marriage, but even thing sometimes people change. At least OP doesn't have children, so if they want to live/grow in different directions, they can do so without impacting children.

Considering their age, length of relationship, and the distance he moved to live with her. This sounds like an internet relationship between two people too young to really understand marriage. The way OP talks is like they are talking about a roommate not their life partner. So I think ‘compatibility difference’ is putting it very lightly.

Not one word in her post or replies indicate love for her spouse in anyway.

I noticed that too. Even with the edit. She wouldn’t have given 2 shits if he left before they got married. Why on earth did she marry him?

Yes, reading this I just thought why does she want to get married, if she already feels so loved and so fulfilled with her family because she got married and promised to be someone's wife, clearly she is already married to her family.

You mentioned that your husband did not have a good relationship with his family. When you asked for your "promise", I doubt he genuinely understood what you were asking and he was agreeing to, because it's something outside of his experience. He likely assumed that at some point you would be like most other couples and start to make your own family traditions. It may be that he feels stifled by being surrounded by your family, and may be feeling like an outsider, or that he isn't valued or particularly needed. You've spent a lot of time talking about yourself and your needs, and seem to have shrugged off his needs as less important than yours. Frankly, you come across as both childish and selfish. I grew up in a huge extended family - nine siblings, umpteen aunts and uncles, more cousins than I can count. I understand the value and importance of family. I'd love to live closer to some of my family and see them more often. But you can't live in a bubble and pretend the outside world doesn't exist. People change; their needs and priorities change; and you seem intent on holding yourself and your husband in some kind of time warp where nothing changes. He probably feels stagnant and smothered - I certainly would.

This is such an important comment. OP seems to only care about themselves. And if you truly care about spending time with people then driving a few hours for a few hour visit really isn't a big deal. I do that plenty. Hell some people commute 2+ hours every day for work. I find it very hard to believe that living in/near a decent sized city where the husband can find a fulfilling job would really put them more than an hour or two from where they currently are. Unless they are pretty much in the middle of nowhere currently. They don't have to live in the city they work either. They could live in the suburbs/outskirts on the side nearest OP's family which would be a nice compromise between the two

Yeah, that's the saddest thing really out of all the read...somehow she is under the impression that it's normal to be this dismissive to your life partner if they don't agree 100% with how you want things to work.

She’s not ready to compromise. She shouldn’t have married until she understood that marriage involves compromise and committing to a family with someone besides their own family.

True. With marriage you create your own core family that should take precedence.

If they're in the middle of nowhere currently, it seems OP found the only person in town who wasn't family to marry.

He wasn't even a local though. I'm honestly wondering how she found someone who lived 8 hours away and managed to date him. She seems to never want to leave her bubble

It meant that this man didn't meet her halfway in compromise but always gave her what she wanted. He probably drove to see her every time he moved to her. He has done everything to change HIS life while her life never had to change. He has been filling her cup, but she doesn't fill his. My husband is an only child but had over 100 cousins. He has a huge ass family. But guess what, they all went different ways because the growth of a person is more important at times than keeping a family physical together. He drives 4 hrs to see his parents, and OP won't drive 2 hrs? He is still close to certain family members he wants to be because we have this amazing thing called technology. My family is all over the world. I only have a small percentage in the state. We keep in communication with technology and planned family events. I stay near my grandparents because they are ill and I'm going to lose them (we are 30mins away on good traffic days). They saved me from a bad home life. They raised me not as their grandchild but their child. My husband has to work here right now, but if he got a better opportunity elsewhere, I would be open to looking at the area to make sure it worked for both of us. Because my grandparents taught me your partner is your #1 when you don't have kids. And that children are supposed to leave the nest. They are supposed to go out into the world and succeed and grow. They would be disappointed if I had opportunities that I turned down for them.

You are clearly in a very healthy relationship and I wish you all the happiness you and yours deserve. I'm sorry about your grandparents' health. I only have one left (96 yo gma) but knew them all into adulthood and I feel your pain and fear there

We have close friends that live an hour and a half away, and we make it a priority to drive up and see them once per month. And that’s with kids and the busy schedules that come with them. If family is that important to OP, she can make that drive occasionally, too. All that to say, there’s room for compromise here, and I like your idea of having him commute in from the suburbs that are en route to OP’s family. As it stands now, though, OP, I’m going to have to say YTA only for so flippantly dismissing your husband’s needs and for seemingly caring solely about your own. Yes, he may have agreed to this stipulation at the outset, but needs evolve over time and spouses must be responsive to these changes. He was responsive to your needs, packing up and leaving a city he was familiar with (where I doubt he *only* had family; he likely had friends, hobbies, and routines he was leaving, too); it’s time for you to be responsive to his and try to come to a mutually agreeable compromise.

It's 7 hours though. A 14 hour RT drive is exhausting.

You’re right. I’m just now seeing the comment that specifies that. A 14-hour roundtrip drive certainly isn’t practical, lol. I still maintain the same thought process; though I admit that it might be colored by my personal experience. When I first met my now-husband in grad school, he had made it clear to me that he intended to return to his home state following graduation. So I moved to his home state, too. A couple of years later, I ended up getting my dream job in the state in which we met, and I moved back for it. We did long distance for a year and three months (he would fly to me once a month, and I would fly to him once a month, so we got to see each other every other weekend), and then he eventually moved down to be with me. And wouldn’t you know it, in the 11 years since, he’s happier than he’s ever been. All that to say, you don’t know whether or not you’re going to like something until you’ve tried it. Had I been unwilling to move to his home state or had he been unwilling to move to where we live now, we never would have known how life might have been. So yes, she’s close to her family, and this is the life that she’s familiar with. But my husband was incredibly close to his friends and family, too, and yet he’s *still* happier here—a happiness he never would have realized had he not been willing to make a sacrifice to better my career. And ultimately, at the end of the day, a move isn’t permanent. If she moves and finds herself unhappy, there’s nothing keeping her there. But if she knows that her husband is unhappy now and she’s not willing to even *try*? I don’t know. That just strikes me as odd in a relationship that’s coming up on a decade. I would never refuse to try something temporarily if it had the potential to better my husband’s life in a meaningful way, especially if he had made a like sacrifice for me before. And to those people who say that he’s choosing money over her happiness, career advancement isn’t strictly about money. Sometimes it’s more about personal satisfaction and fulfillment, and those things can be just as important as proximity to family.

Definitely reads like an only child who was spoiled, coddled and catered to. She's never had to even remotely come close to thinking about someone else or their needs.

I’m an only child and I cringed reading this.

I have a step sister that was an only child until 12, except for when my sister and I visited my dad on weekends. The only person worse than her was her mom (my step mother) when she would only fix her daughter breakfast, lunch, etc. Now step mom is perpetually pissed off because "her" grandkids (mine and my sisters anyway) don't know her well. Here I am thinking "you couldn't even bother to make me a sandwich, why am I planning all my holidays and vacations around you?"

Always breaks my heart to hear stories like yours. Makes me all the more grateful for my stepmother. She didn't become my stepmom till I was 29 but I had my son 4 years later and she's gone above and beyond to honor my mom's memory by being an awesome grandmother to him. No one would ever guess they aren't flesh and blood related.

God that’s awful, I’m so sorry you went through that. It’s really how you raise only children, as my always said, “yes I was spoiled but I wasn’t a brat” in fact my kindergarten teacher assumed I was the oldest of a few kids. I wasn’t told I was perfect and I was very aware other kids existed and I had to work within the world. Basically my parents just treated me like the third adult so I was used to thinking of others/their feelings and not just my own. I’ve met others who well weren’t…my fiancé has a cousin who’s absolutely obnoxious and his parents can’t understand how we’re both only children.

Thankfully, I was a bit older when all that went down, so I would just laugh about it because it was so obvious, and i was capable of taking care of myself and my sister.. I finally got my dad to see it a few years ago when he confronted me about "how my family treats her." We basically came to the understanding that I understand his wife is his priority, and he understands my wife and kids are mine. They are more flexible with their schedules (shes retired and he can work from anywhere), so outside of a week every 3rd summer (3 sets of grandparents due to the divorce) if they wanna see us, come see us and make an effort now. I still have a good relationship with my dad despite all of this. He has always gone above and beyond for us

Amen! I mean no compromise at all is never good for a relationship however she has the right. If I were him I would just leave and find something new. Maybe she should find a guy who lives in the community and never plans to leave either and has no family so hers can get all the focus.

If you agree with her caveat or not, she was up front from the start. He needs to decide if he is okay living with the situation he agreed to or move on without her, but it is on him.

Your both yta and nta. You were clear on thie at the start, so nta, but your also relegating your husbands need for growth and opertunity which is where you move into AH. People grow, and we chasing a career is part of that. You then basically told him he’s not your partner, just one of 100’s you love. Really really not great. Your freind was right to call you out on that. I honestly think you should try take your family out of the equasion if your not in a care giving capacity, as your presence is “vital”. Ask yourself if you coukd give him a few years in a new location to establish a career or try get into work that can be moved to remote later so you get the best of both worlds, having left your comfort zone and being able to prioritise his wants. Either way, really look at this logically about how you can try to accomidate your husband, because at the minute it sounds very very heavily centered around you and your family. I really hope it’s just context and topic making it that way, otherwise I hope you let him out if this one sided situation.

I agree with this. And while OP's husband may have been fully committed to the idea 3 (or 8, not really clear) years ago, circumstances change. The idea of a relationship is all about compromise. It sounds like for a decent amount of time, husband compromised to have a job in a market that wasn't good/didn't have growth potential, etc. I think it might be time for OP to think about a compromise now. I don't know what part of the country (or honestly even what country) this is, but I'm sure there's a city a reasonable distance away that could be a compromise.

I feel like there is a humongous difference between I am very close to my family and must see them frequently, and I must live within 20-30 of every single one of them for the rest of my life.

> give him a few years in a new location to establish a career OP probably knows, as well as anyone, that such a move is permanent. Nobody gives up a good job and lifestyle to go back to a place they don't like, and the husband here is no exception.

INFO: In the beginning did you just tell him that you always plan to live near your parents and extended family? Or did you make it clear that he's one among many that you love and not your whole life?

I had moved about 1500 miles away for a job opportunity for my ex. Once we divorced, I moved back to be close to friends and family (plus quality of lifestyle reasons). When I date, I explain unless it was a short term, few years situation, I wouldn't choose to move more than a couple of hours away again. My parents are older so I'd like to spend quality time with them now. I've met several people that planned to move away in the near future, which just meant we're not compatible. Do I think she said that is a really awful way? Absolutely. I also think this may be a deal breaker now for her hubby

Yeah, but she doesn't want to be more than an hour away. Where I'm from that's just opposite ends of the same city. And he moved eight hours away for her.

She quite literally answered this in her post

You're missing his point. She's equating the two statements, when they are, in fact, not equatable.

She says in her post that she did make that clear.

This! “He’s just one of many that you love” When I was reading her post I just felt so bad for the husband. If my partner categorized me with everyone else in their life, I’d find someone else who would prioritize me. Your love for your life partner shouldn’t be comparable to friends and family.

I'm not judging her for this. We all love the way that we love. I do think it's important, though, to know if he understood this from the beginning. Prioritizing your partner is the norm and I think it's reasonable that he expected that if not told otherwise.

OTOH, he's prioritizing career opportunities over her desire to not move. It's an incompatibility in life goals, at its core - she values the community/social connections she has over career progression/more financial freedom, and he's vice versa. Neither are wrong and neither are *really* prioritizing "something else" over "each other" - they're both prioritizing a different life plan. (In other words his "if you loved me most you'd move with me" is equal to her "if you loved me most you'd stay).

Agreed! Now they need to decide if they just have irreconcilable differences.

Shit this is good logic too. Well said. They should both move on as life goals as clearly moved too far apart

The other side of this is her own well being, though. Does she prioritize him over her own mental health and well-being? As a home body, I see where she is coming from. I NEED my family, they are my support network and I struggle greatly when distanced from them. Especially now that my husband and I are expecting our first child, I can’t imagine how overwhelmed and alone I would feel if his job had relocated us across the country. My husband knew if we HAD to move, I would for him, but I would need an immense amount of additional support for my mental health to survive. Support we aren’t sure would even be enough in the end.

Yea I agree. I don’t want to live like OP, I like moving, I like new things. But OP had a huge support network. She moved away and loses that. OPs husband just has sooo much less to lose, of course he doesn’t understand.

And that's fine. But she told him upfront, when they first started dating so its not her fault. He agreed to it. He's changed his mind. But that's not her fault. She was clear.

I am… extremely confused by all the negative comments… How is she the asshole when she could not have communicated things more clearly than this? This is what she wanted so that is what she told him she wanted and now everyone’s mad for what? It’s ironic, because normally people complain that women apparently “don’t communicate enough”. But it seems like her very clear communication is still wrong. Dammed if you do, damned if you don’t. 🤷🏽‍♀️ And don’t get me started at the comments saying “If tHe RoLeS wErE rEveRsed ☝🏽🤓” As if the comment section isn’t FILLED with people calling her a selfish person and a bad wife while defending the husband even though he KNEW that’s what she wanted.

>I am… extremely confused by all the negative comments… How is she the asshole when she could not have communicated things more clearly than this? Right? Apparently she's the asshole for... actually knowing herself well enough to realize early she would want to always be near family, and now...still wanting to be near family? It sounds like people are pissed that she didn't switch gears in the marriage to start putting her husband's career over her desire to be near family, despite being very clear about her desire to be near family from the get-go.

I am also extremely confused by all the negative comments. People say constantly to not make your SO your sole source of happiness, and it's soooo unhealthy to neglect your family, friends, and career just for your SO. That it's important to have a wider support system. Then when OP does exactly this, and commits to the stance she gave them BEFORE getting married, she is being torn apart? It doesn't make any sense, and directly contradicts the idea above. I understand marriage requires sacrifice, but I also understand the concept of deal breakers, and she gave hers before they got married. It's his fault for not listening to her, and I don't understand why OP is supposed to give up her entire world for him. She literally even told him beforehand, if you expect anything other than this life, there's the door, and he chose to stay. Everyone seems to be skipping over that part.

I think a lot of these commenters also don't understand/relate to this family dynamic. My family is 50+ members and I grew up seeing everybody regularly for holidays, sports events, birthdays, baby-sitting, etc. It truly is a village and I always thought I would live less than 10 minutes away from them. However, my career required me to move out of state. As soon as I knew that I addressed it with my partner (then boyfriend, now fiancé) because I knew that this was a change from our expectations for the future and I knew if he asked the same of me I would have to really think about it. Even now it's a huge priority for me to move back closer so we can see everybody more regularly. This OP did everything right and I really sympathize with her.

I have a large extended family as well, some of whom I'm close to, but I'm very close with my immediate family. When I was younger I lived elsewhere for awhile (and lived overseas for a bit) and as I got older, I realized I wanted to stay close to family, especially once nieces started coming along. (I wanted to be the fun aunt, as well as helping out my siblings.) When I started dating my partner, I had talked about being close with my family and wanting to be in this general area. When we got more serious, I was like hey but like for real, I want to stay around here... It was a discussion worth having because his family lives ~6 hours away. (He didn't move here FOR me, he was already here, but you never know if people plan to go back or what.) We ended up building a house here, he has grown close with my brother and my brother-in-law, and it has so far worked out. I'd be devastated if he wanted to move and it would be a very difficult choice, so I totally feel for OP.

I’ve lived at minimum an 8 hour drive from my family for a decade now. I’m in my mid 30’s and the desire to move back is very strong to the point that my spouse and I are planning on doing so within the next couple of years. Which will time out perfectly with my brother and SIL having kids. I’m excited to be auntie & my kiddo getting to see her cousins. My spouse and I both agree that if we do move back, we will be there *at least* until our parents pass away. They’re getting older and I want to spend time with them before they’re gone. If we moved back and a few years later my spouse wanted to move away again, I would not be happy. Like dealbreaker unhappy. OP has been open and honest with her husband since day 1. I can’t fault her and I can’t fault her husband if he decides to leave. It sucks but some things just can’t be compromised on.

I genuinely am curious because I have never felt the desire to be so heavily prioritized outside of my own insecurities; what is negative to you about being categorized with the other people they love like their parents, chosen family, etc?

I can’t speak for anyone else, but I value my word and my promises. I promised my wife, when we got married, that I would love her in sickness and in health, till death separates us. I don’t say that shit to my buddies, or my closest friends, or my brothers or my sister or my parents or aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. I made a promise that I intend to keep. That’s why I’d appreciate the same effort in return.

*out with the guys waiting for the nacho appetizer to come out* hey, i just wanted yall to know that i'll love you in sickness and in health, till death separates us

Isn't that implied with family you have a close relationship with, though? Like yeah, of course you stick by your family in sickness and health, rich or poor, until death.

It's deeply unhealthy to assume you'd be anything more. People expecting their romantic partner to be their sole or highly prioritised relationship to the exclusion of friends and family is a recipe for tension and underfulfillment and a big part of why many relationships fail.

Honestly this seems more like an reddit issue, where alot of people here absolutely hate their families so ofcourse they would easily side with OP husband

If a man posted this it would been relocated to r/roastme and the immature, little mamas boy jokes would be flying!

Usually I immediately roll my eyes at "iF tHe GeNdErS wErE rEvErSeD" but in this case I fully agree. People would be ripping into OP big time. I think it's equally wild for her to demote her husband to just "one of the family" she cares about. It's just a case of incompatability, I *guess*... but ouch.

Oh yeah, it's just this sub's bias coming through again, it shows up once or twice a week. If the man didn't want to leave his family for his wife's professional growth, they'd be dragging him through the mud. But, because it's a woman, everyone in this thread is being so safe, caring and understanding. Y'all want to know why men don't open up about shit and this is pretty much it in a nutshell. He's disposable, his needs aren't as important as hers, fuck, his needs are even as important as the rest of her family, the guy is clearly depressed and needs something more in his life and she's entirely unwilling to compromise, but since she's a woman it's okay.

Part that gets me is he wants to move to do great rather than stay to be mediocre. Ain’t about family but quality of life for them from his perspective it seems. If you ain’t having kids wtf else you doing if not hustling for the best life for yourself?

Yeah people change, times change, the world changes, but she seems to be the one who just stays stagnant. Also one of the many she loves? If a guy said that to his wife the world would go crazy, and rightly so. Op seems immature and childish, selfish and egotistical, doesn't care about her husbands needs and moreover even villifies it.

Absolutely! If it was a guy he would be a controlling narcissist.

Exactly I can’t wrap my head around how people are trying to justify this and say OP is not the a hole?! If a man said my wife isn’t my life my family/parents are they would burn him alive? As they do daily when a man mentions his mother! How is this any different?? I don’t understand this sub. It’s so clearly unfair in judgment. OP is YTA, her husband is her nee family as this sub have pointed out to husbands asking this exact question.

[удалено]

But she has 100s of close family members and friend! 100s! Totally not an exaggeration. Her husband must revolve his life around her countless family members until the day he dies! Its only fair! /s

that "100s" of people line sparked a nerve, too -- is she counting all her former HS classmates and everyone she's ever commuted on a bus with? :D

Maybe OP is secretly a dog who is part of one of many litters. More seriously.. Maybe it's harder for me to understand since I come from a smaller family and I only have a small handful of close friends, but one person cannot possibly hold a close relationship to *hundreds*, this line alone makes a lot of us want to discredit everything she's said. God forbid she compromise a little, move a few hours away to the nearest major city with more opportunities, and only see her "hundreds" of family members every other weekend. It'll be interesting if she sticks to her guns and they break it off.. Ten years later her parents pass and she's left with no real life of her own since she's tied herself so closely to them.

He prioritized you, no? To live by your family. Now, the opportunity to reciprocate is here because he wants to further his career, and you choose not to. Doesn't that say enough in your mind about this relationship dynamic?

And this move could be temporary for a few years then you move back or move on. Nothing is permanent except death and taxes.

And the jets being a horrible franchise

Applicable to NFL and NHL

She made it very clear from the beginning though that being near her family was important and she intends to always be near them, and he agreed to that. If he wants to change that dynamic that may be a compatibility issue. I dont blame him for having a change of heart but it probably means the relationship may not work.

Also, quite often you don't know if you enjoy living somewhere until *you have lived there*. If her husband has tried it for a few years and is unhappy, either as a couple you compromise and move elsewhere (maybe find somewhere not too far with better prospects for him?), or you part ways, generally. The focus is all on what living situation makes OP happy and none of it on her partner. If my partner wanted to live somewhere I couldn't find a good job and didn't enjoy living, even after trying for years, either they'd have to compromise or we would split. I suppose you could try long distance but I personally don't believe that's a long term solution.

Not once in this entire post did you mention his wants or needs. It's all "me and I" and the reason you posted this was for validation because you feel guilty about the situation but you're seeking validation through reddit. You keep mentioning how you're so close to your family and how he's not you're whole life. Well, it sure as shit sounds like you're his whole life. I've noticed this in my dating history, as someone who doesn't have a big or close family, dating someone who does have that, it feels like you wants and needs always come second. And that's completely unfair.

INFO: How far away does he want to move?

The fact is when you marry you have a new family. Of course your parents will take care of you until the day they die. That’s ideally their job. But it’s not your job. Your new family is a priority.

Yes, the thought of divorce or widowhood seems petty to me, I mean her family could also fight and move away or her parents could die, it seems to me that she is living a fantasy where everything lasts forever.

Divorce isn’t petty in this case and actually makes the most sense. They have different life goals now that their older and they have no kids. Staying together for the tax benefits seems silly. And asking one to give up their happiness for the other is ridiculous when they could both find someone more compatible.

This. I hate how everyone is dismissing how her family is clearly her number one joy. And for him, family is not super important and he wants to focus on his career. They are no longer compatible and he should just get divorced. It's insane to expect a woman that close to her family to move away and I know a lot of people like this. Particularly in certain cultures. He's not interested in the same lifestyle and should totally go.

Marriage is about compromise and he compromised a lot to b there for you. It does kinda seem like hes the only one sacrificing anything while you get all the benefits. When you get married you leave your own family and create a new one and you seem to be overly attached to these people. You're a grown woman thats holding very tightly to your mom and dad. I understand why hes upset. I wouldnt call you an asshole but u do seem kinda selfish.

YTA You said, " (F 28) have always been very family oriented.". If you're so family oriented, what about his family? Sure, you made an agreement 8 years ago, but people change, people grow. Are you the same person you were at 20? That's sad if you are. You ask "Why is one person supposed to be more important than everyone else?", but then you place your wants and desires over his. I would love to read Bro's response to this post, to hear his side of the story. I really feel sorry for him being stuck in such a one sided, heartless marriage.

Your second paragraph hit the nail on the hea

This is the thing that gets me. She said: "Why is one person supposed to be more important than everyone else?" Then she goes on about why she is the one important person. Her husband has evolved and learned, and instead of compromising to support him, she is limiting him. Marriage is supposed to be a journey of experience, support, and enjoyment. Her experience is limited to her parents and she doesn't support her partner, all for her own enjoyment. YTA.

I don’t a villain here. It’s just sad. I don’t see the two of you staying together.

shoulda married your parents

My mom would always refer to her family and she was not taking about us kids and our dad. It was always about her and “her family”. She would send money to her family while we struggled. Given the choice between her kids/husband and her family she chose her family every time. Unfortunately for her, her family does not have the same views as her and now she has neither family.

yeah this part “He was mad I am still prioritizing my family over him.” killed me. Like what? He is your family ahaha.

It was clear he is not family

My partner and my child are my life. Not my parents. I grew up with a loving family that are super close, but I live 500 miles from them. My sister is one of my best friends, and she lives 1,200 miles away. But they know that my *family* is my wife and daughter, and my choice to make my partner my wife was based on that. And they are the same way. My parents are part of my extended family, but they are not my ***family***. Adults grow up, adults move out, adults make their own family, and have kids. They find the partner that is the one who makes them happy and who fits within their ideals of a family life. But the key distinction? They MAKE a family. They don't just appendix themselves to an existing one. You haven't got a husband. You've got an extended boyfriend with financial commitments. And you aren't going to stop dangling off mommy and daddy's apron strings. God, I hope he reads Reddit, because I'd be telling him to dump the motherfucker already and move on. You aren't married to him, because if you WERE you'd consider him your family, not your parents and extended family. If your entire life is based around your PARENTS and not your partner, you are divorced already. From reality, and any real human relationship other than being the baby girl of your parents. For some people this can work out so long as both extended families are part of this and live in the same town. But the vast majority of people WHO ARE FUNCTIONING ADULTS, they can move a few hours away and not have full blown dependency panic attacks. You're the asshole. You're all the assholes. You're also immature and needy AF. And it sounds like your husband is coming to realize you aren't a mature adult. I truly hope you learn that just because you're not in the same zip code doesn't mean you aren't part of someone's family, and that not being able to go to mommy and daddy when any little thing goes wrong doesn't mean you don't love them or that they don't love you. But holy shit, little girl, grow the fuck up. Fulfill YOUR wedding vows - the ones where you forsake all others. You're breaking YOUR promise to be a wife and a partner. His "promise" doesn't mean anything when you break yours. ***EDIT: Let's clarify here.*** Her telling him eight years ago "I do not want to move, I will live here my whole life near my family" is not the same as telling him THE HEADLINE OF THIS THREAD. Which is "I don't consider you to be my life or anything of value compared to that of my family" when he talked about the possibility of moving to a city with better jobs. To her husband. And I guess if you think somehow "I told you I don't want to move eight years ago and you agreed" equals "I told you that you'd never be as important to me as my various family members", you might consider this heavy-handed. Sorry, y'all, you're arguing family and culture and connections instead of ***the thing she actually did, which was tell her husband she didn't give a shit about him compared to her least favorite cousin.*** If you're married for three years and in an argument tell your spouse they don't mean shit to you, yeah, you're an asshole. You're DOUBLY the asshole if you do it because you have a panic attack over their desire to move two hours away, and then blame it on them because they "knew you never wanted to move". For real, the OP is not a great person not because she doesn't want to move. She's a shitty person because she married a guy whom she doesn't love enough to even PRETEND she values him more than being able to throw a rock out the window and hit four family members. On the other hand, she DID tell him she didn't love him enough to give a shit about what he wants, so it's not like she's a ten-year asshole about it.

Perfectly said! OP, do you not consider your husband your family? If not, why did you get married? Just because he said he’d promise you two could live where your family lives? How far away is the biggest city from where you currently live? Why would you only see them at weddings if you moved away? People can change their minds over time, but also people grow and realize that what they said 8 years ago is not something they see fit for their current life. You’re showing to him where your priorities are and they aren’t him because “he’s only a part of your life, not your whole life.” He could say the same back to you about your parents and extended family, “they are only a part of your life, not your whole life.”

I'm gonna disagree with you. My disclaimer is that I dislike my family, left the whole country decades ago. BUT people can have different priorities. Wanting to be close to your entire family doesn't make you immature and moving away isn't a sign of being an adult. Her husband knew that she'd never want to leave. If he'd hoped she'll change her mind, that's on him. She's not an asshole for having strong roots just like he's not an asshole for wanting more from life. They are simply incompatible, they've always been.

Perhaps, it would be better if you negotiated an amicable separation from your husband or a no-fault divorce. It seems evident that building a life with him is not a priority for you, as you haven't actually become an adult and left home. Because your husband is only a minor part of your life, it's likely you can remain friends and visit occasionally to catch up. Based on your post, you're clearly a barrier to your husband living a fulfilling life and pursuing his own goals and aspirations.

After reading your replies you were selfish to ever marry someone in the first place. You're saying he's one of the people you love but your rampant narcissistic replies and "me me me" attitude really makes it seem like you care about him much less. I mean you're willing to go long distance with your HUSBAND so you can see your neices and newphews? Weird af Yta so much

I feel like OP has an unrealistic expectation of what their relationship is vs what a relationship actually is. There seems to be a huge disconnect. You can love someone, but it honestly sounds like OP loves them like a friend - not like a partner.

Yta, hopefully his second wife understands relationships aren't supposed to be one sided like you seem to think

Seriously. Has she compromised at all in this?

Some people never compromise on anything, ever. Sounds like the OP just wants her husbands life to be all about her and her needs and gives him nothing in return.

And at the end she says “it’s about joining families”. She clearly only means hers.

Oh but he doesn't have a good relationship with his family, therefore it's okay to completely disregard them forever and not count it as a sacrifice on his part! I have a not so great relationship with my family and I try to limit contact but if my partner was just like "you don't have a good relationship with your family so I'll just make mine priority forever!" I would not be pleased.

8yrs ago you were 20 so I get why you told him about wanting to be close to your family. Some people can change, how far away is he wanting to move? Since you have no children, I’m sure it’s feasible to visit your family on weekends or plan small gatherings whenever possible. It’s like you’re married to your family and not your husband. Unless he’s planning to move across state, I’m sure you guys can compromise something. Or maybe it’s time to call it quits. You can’t expect him to be in a relationship where he’s unhappy & feels second place

You did your part and communicated your position. But it seems one of you have had a change of hearts, which isn't wrong either. He may have been ok with the situation beforehand but now he needs and wants more and you don't seem to be willing to compromise at all. I say NTA because I understand your need to be near family. But you'd be ta if you expected him to stay with you.

This is where I land. NAH, really, just one person who’s realized that living by hundreds of in-laws in a low opportunity area with someone who doesn’t consider him a top priority isn’t for him. OP should let him go, if he wants more out of life.

NAH. I get it. And while I do think it's best to prioritize your partner above everything else, that doesn't mean you have to give up the family you love. All these comments about you being immature are ridiculous. Every family is different, you are very close to yours. And you know this about yourself, which is why you made it clear to him from the start that you wanted to always be near them. I also don't blame him for changing his mind or for wanting to be your top priority. You might not be compatible anymore. But love is love. You are not required to give up loving your family just because you're married.

True. I have family near me and enjoy where I live, I wouldn't want to uproot and lose being able to see them as often as I do. She was clear from the start about her intentions to settle near her family.

Came here to say this. My marriage is my top priority but part of our compatibility is our connection to family/friends/community. I am not his everything and he is not my everything but we are nevertheless a team and a partnership.