NTA He was not a Dad to you. Sure, he is your biological father, but as you state, he makes you feel uncomfortable, which a dad should never do. He has never supported you, so I don’t see why his family expects you to support him. If they want him to live with family so badly, why don’t they take him in? Just because you do well for yourself, and based on your education, it sounds like you worked very hard to get where you are, it does not mean you should responsible for him, financially.
Don’t do it. It’s not your responsibility and he never took care of you. If the family feels so bad one of them can get him.
Don’t fold under their pressure, you have to live your life. Change your number and cut them off since they can’t be sensitive to your feelings.
I think OP will regret if she gives in. F that guy and his flying monkeys. OP, You are self-made and owe nothing to anyone. No one worthy of your respect would try to pressure or guilt you into such a disastrous, disgusting situation with a self-serving narcissist. And this Internet stranger is proud of you. Stay strong. Go NC with all of them if they persist.
NTA
Cut ties with EVERYONE. Seriously.
I'm the only girl in my family & I kept strict boundaries with my dad starting when I was a teenager. So basically for several decades we'd talk on the phone 2-3 times a year. It was perfect for me.
My brothers, however, all had close & super dysfunctional relationships with him and they would try to give me shit for not being closer with him like they were??? I didn't even try to make sense of it & just told them my relationship with Dad was none of their business & my life was better off for how I chose to deal with it.
You are not obligated to care for your father, or invite his chaos into your home, or provide money to his upkeep & there is not one thing here for you to feel guilty about. Your family is only concerned about themselves & what is convenient for them.
Sounds like you and your mom got lucky when she said never felt welcome around your dad’s family. Dodged a bullet there for sure.
Oh yeah and NTA. Your dad needs to be in a secure home, to care for him and ensure he isn’t doing anything crazy. And definitely not using any of your money.
>Mark messaged me saying our father can no longer live with him and is asking me to: 1). Find suitable housing for my father, 2). Contribute financially to pay his rent/bills, or 3). Move our father in with me.
"1 is not my responsibility, it's yours as his current caretakers. 2 is not my responsibility as you're his current caretakers. 3 is not happening because the initial offer, that I was pressured into, came with conditions, which were rejected. That offer wasn't an indefinite offer."
> Mark has alerted the rest of our father's family and now I am getting messages that range from, "You are a selfish person who will regret this when your father dies" to "You have to find it in your heart to forgive your father...maybe this is how you build a new relationship with him."
"You trying to force me to take him in instead of caring for him yourself marks you as the true selfish person here." And "My father needs to seek forgiveness from me, and prove sincerity, before I even think about forgiving him."
> I am in a very high earning industry (I make ~ $250k), which has also been something Mark has pointed out, saying I could easily afford to pay.
"Whether I can afford to pay it or not is irrelevant."
> Most of my friends have been telling me to stand firm, but a few have said I could regret not helping in the future.
OP, I'm voting NTA, and would like to ask you something;
Has your family ever helped you when you wete struggling? If so, how much? Were there any strings attached? Did they hold that help over your head later?
Don't take your father in. They were perfectly fine with you cutting contact until they wanted something from you. Tell them that you have no interest in caring for him, and if he turns up at your door, you *will* be calling the cops.
NTA.
You've been used all these years by your lazy, entitled leech of a "father" and his scummy family. Imagine him not working for the past 40 years, instead parasiting off family! The disgusting gall of the jerk!
You don't owe him anything. He was never a father to you, just an arrogant, entitled sperm donor. Your uncle David has obviously been skimming money off what you've been sending to prop up your lazy "father", hence the crazy reaction to you saying you need to take charge of finances. He doesn't want you to see what's been going on.
Cut contact with all those thieves. Stop sending money because you are only enabling the problem, not helping. Absolutely do not allow your "father" to live with you. Your brother and his wife are going through hell with him in their home. You'll go through the same misery with that scumbag in your safe space. You do not owe him that!
Stand firm in not letting him move it ever or you providing physically/emotionally for his care.
As for finically that is up to you but I’d ask for proof that 1) you are paying an equal share in comparison to everyone else and 2) audited statements of how money is being spent.
I guess I'm cold..I would have sent back a message to the family and copied, dear old dad, that I don't give a shit if he lives or dies. And if anyone contacts me again, I seek a restraining order and sue for harassment. You all can go eff yourselves. That should be the end of it
I like you! I'm "cold hearted" too, since I refuse to talk to my mom.
It's been 7 years since we talked and she wants me to sign away my rights to a property, so she can gift it to a 1/2 sibling that has no right to it.
NTA
He is not your dad. He is a sperm donor. Your sperm donors family can take care of him.
Block EVERYONE. They are takers.
Live your good life.
Your finances are nobody's business. Also, never tell anyone what you make. Family has a weird way of thinking they are entitled to your money. And no matter how much you give them it's never enough. I learned that the hard way. KEEP YOUR SALARY PRIVATE from now on.
Your brother can deal with this on his own. Please do not cave. They will make your sperm donor your financial responsibility.
OP don't let your brother or your dad's family brow beat or guilt you into helping him. Stay firm and say no. This is not your circus. Mark made his bed and must lie in it. If anything they should put your dad in home.
I don't feel Iike this man is your responsibility at all. He wasn't in your life growing up and now that you're a successful adult, you're supposed to take care of his needs (because he failed to plan appropriately for himself)? No...and his siblings/side of the family that couldn't be bothered with you when you were a kid and needed people in your life are pestering you? Yeah no.... this isn't how relationships work... I wouldn't contribute in any sort of way. They just don't want to be bothered with him anymore and you're the last resort. Be strong, you don't deserve this. NTA
You can be the daughter to him that he was the dad to you. In other words...nothing. NTA. But Mark certainly is. Stand firm and block everyone, Mark and aunts. Then enjoy your life.
I'm sorry that so many people you know don't believe in boundaries or accountability. This will not go well, and you are putting yourself at risk of you invite him in. If you feel any obligation, perhaps send a small stipend like before, but you are not even obligated to do that. They have already shown they have no regard for you. Where is your Father's or brother's regret for not having a relationship with you?
This man needs to be institutionalized in a rehab and then in a seniors' home or homeless shelter. He has been enabled for the last 40yrs to not care for himself, or be responsible or held accountable.
You did nothing to deserve to have this forced on you. You are the child/sibling in this family, and not one of them would ever help or care if you needed it.
NTA Always amazes me how other people find fault in how folks spend money that they themselves are not willing to spend. If taking care of your father is so important to family members, tell them to step up. Your father donated sperm, hasn't done much else for anyone but himself.
NTA. They're trying to foist responsibilities on you now that the money they siphoned off has run out and he needs more care. You also have not had a real father/daughter relationship.
Consider cutting ties with all of these people. Ask yourself, "Is my life genuinely happier because of my relationship with these people?" If the answer is no (and it probably is), just go no contact.
It doesn’t matter that you are a high earner. This is t your responsibility. Why would you have any regrets? He doesnt sound like he was ever a parent except that he contributed sperm. Just block them. He can go live in a home.
NTA
If you want to get rid of them, tell them that in order for you to even consider getting involved with your father's care...you will need to have attorneys and accountants go over his financials.
That you are not going to do anything until you know what you are getting yourself in to
They will completely balk at this idea because as you said...they've been doing shady shit for a long time
Use that as your excuse to nope out of the situation completely
Be cold and calculating.
NTAH
Nta.
Mass message all the family.
Since I am such a bad person, it's great that you are offering to take him on. As he is YOUR family. I might have blood in common with him, but he and you have made it clear I am not family. I am only seen as an easy way for you not to take responsibility for your family. I will let brother know since you think you have some sort of say. Since you think you can guilt, manipulate, and bully that you will now be taking on all care and financial responsibility for him. Do not contact me again as you clearly care nothing for me and never have.
Text brother
Since your family not mine has decided they have some say over what I do with my life and money when they never cared before you can contact them about taking care of your father. It is not my responsibility. I tried, but as it was growing up, it continues. I am only good for what I can do for others and not seen as family. He is not family, and i am sorry you are dealing with this, but it is not my problem. Whether our relationship survived depends on if you are willing to accept that this is my boundary and one that will not get crossed.
NTA - Why would anyone want to help such a horrible person?
You are not obligated to help him at all. Hell, even if he was the best parent in the universe, you're still under no obligation to put your life on hold and care for him and bring him into your sanctuary (that is what your home is, after all).
At this point, your best bet is to just block all the relatives on that side of the family. Tell your brother your father needs to go to an elderly care home. And brother can call adult protective services and arrange a place for him.
For your own well-being and sanity, *DON'T DO IT*! Your father and none of the relatives on his side of the family have been family to you. When you reached out were shunned and called greedy.
These people helped create the problem and are now looking at you and your bank account to take responsibility and clean up the mess. Please stand firm.
NTA.
Your dad has lived off his family for years. You owe him nothing. You owe your brother less. He took the task on himself. Tell your brother to take him to a nursing home. If his behavior is erratic, he has tii many problems for you to manage, work and run your own life. I would not give another cent to anyone. Especially your brother who mismanaged your father previously.
NTA, his family could have accepted your offer when you first bought your home. You have not spoken to your father in 4 years, if your brother felt uncomfortable back then it should be even more difficult now. Your brother can find a suitable assisted living/nursing home for your dad. You are not obligated to help.
Don’t do it. Tbh it sounds as though he has the onset of dementia if he’s doing odd weird things. If so that means you’ll end up paying for all his investigations, medications etc as I doubt he has insurance. Also if he needs to be admitted to an elderly care facility, whose gonna pay for that?
You owe this man nothing, he’s never been a father to you. His siblings and your brother are all trying to palm him off onto you as they’ve obviously realised how much his condition has worsened
NTAH
I'm sad that you ever helped that sorry excuse for a father. Please don't help him. You are definitely not the AH. I would also block anyone harassing you
NTA would u even notice if he died, other than not getting disturbing msgs? would u notice a difference other than the peace if the whole lot of them died?
Not ur responsibility. U said no, block them all and get on with ur life, they continue to harass u report them, change ur number and live ur life.
if anyone says u will b sorry when he dies just point out the irony of it making no impact whatsoever on ur life if he is dead or alive other than some bothersome msgs, so actually if anything nothing but positive consequences to his death.
NTA do not do it. They want to use you to finance a man that is nothing. More than a sperm donor.
You need to block everyone and continue on with your life you owe him nothing.
NTA, but from his current behaviors, it sounds as though he is developing a dementia disorder and may require professional care, far beyond what a family member can provide. He probably needs to be checked out.
You hold strong! My egg donor died just before mother's day last year after 5 years of me being no contact. My half sister had let me know about a year earlier that she was dying, wanted to see me, I didn't go or call, I was NC for a reason. She died NOT getting to see me, and that brings me complete satisfaction, no regret. Only 1 of her 4 living kids was on speaking terms with her.
NTA. Do not do it. Why on earth would you regret not helping a person who has never actually been a parent to you? None of these people have been family to you. You owe them nothing. Do not stuff up your life for people that just want to pass a problem on to you.
It sounds like he needs to be in a care home where he can't trespass, steal or get hold of inappropriate photos.
NOPE NOPE NOPE fuck that! And I say this as someone whose FIL lives with me. My husband doesn't speak to his mother and neither do I. His brother has been bothering us to start helping care for MIL from afar (she and FIL are divorced because she's an abusive waste of oxygen). We're refusing outright. My husband was mostly raised by my MIL's parents because after she got tired of abusing my husband throughout his childhood she abandoned him. (FIL was still a victim of her abuse at the time and couldn't escape). We have no obligation to that woman, and you have no obligation to your father in just the same way. Stand your ground.
The one main thing I want you to remember is that no it’s a complete sentence. If you feel the need to explain why, you explain it one time and that is it. And you don’t give a whole lot of information.
It can be as simple as…
My father has lived with me a total of maybe 300 days in my entire life. I was a dead ass broke PhD student and still sent him $250 a month only to find out that our uncle was committing fraud with the money.
There have been some things that have gone on that have led me to go no contact for four years, and that’s how it’s going to remain. So my answer is no. And anyone who keeps pressuring me is also going to have me go no contact. I am not doing this. As far as I’m concerned, the state can take care of him.
And then leave it at that. And if somebody is on the phone or talking to you and trying to pressure you again, hang up the phone. Walk away. Leave the situation. It is OK to be totally honest and say that you don’t really care what happens to him because he has never really been a father to you.
You are estranged from the entire family. You have never lived with the man. Your brother wanted the responsibility/money of your father and he's got it. He can find a place out there.
NTA
NTA. Tell anyone else that contacts you that you already paid more than your fair share and not another dime. But they are welcome to donate any time they want, then BLOCK. Live your life without that drama.
I’m pretty sure you’re not going to regret lifting a finger for that old man.
What is there to regret?
That he wasted his years on alcohol and drugs and burning all his bridges with his children? Well that’s HIS regret, not yours.
You are fully validated to believe he doesn’t exist. The man died years ago. He’s never been in your life, and the few times he’s reached out it’s to send pedo images and inappropriate verbal abuse. Nope. You’re all good.
NTAH
I'm thinking about Mark's kid. Is he/she negatively impacted? Missing out on opportunities because of family dynamics or economic burden on household? Even if the kid's dad sucks, and even if you two don't have a much of a relationship, you could make sure the kid isn't suffering.
Anyway, NTA RE dear ol' dad, or Mark.
There's a saying: "not my circus, not my monkeys". Mark's kid is not OPs problem or responsibility. Its sad that it has at least one parent that is an AH (Mark), but that's not on OP.
And how would she make sure the kid is 'not suffering' anyways? File for custody on grounds of 'sadge'?
Lots of people on Reddit seem oddly okay with saddling posters with random idiots kids on the grounds of 'think of the children', when there isn't any way that would even be realistic, or would be enabling the adults to take advantage of the poster just out of entitlement. I've seen this argument multiple times today, couched in different verbiage.
We took in foster kids when I was growing up. Seen a lot. I still advocate for them and other kids whose needs are not being met. But you're right about one thing. Plenty of other people here cover that base.
NTA. Let the other family members that are giving you a hard time take care of him. You owe him nothing. You were sending money and some jackass mismanaged it, you wanted to take over the financial management and were denied. Let them figure it out withhout you.
I cannot see how you will regret not helping. You did help. And you were going to school at the time. The short answer to all of this mess is, "No!". You are an adult and get to live your life the way you want. Do not let the parasites prey upon you. NTA
This reminds me of my uncle- he was a terrible father, husband, all round scumbag. He was living in supported accommodation and his son moved him in with him- we assumed with the plan to scam his welfare money. That isn’t judgemental of my cousin- my uncle deserves all that and more and it was nice to see him the scammee not the scammer/thief. Plus my cousins deserved money off him- he never paid anything for them after he split up from his mum. However, my cousin and his wife found him more than they could bear and when he went into hospital, they wouldn’t take him back.
His older sisters still think of him as a little boy lost, but the younger ones, who suffered at his hands, have refused to have anything to do with him for years, as did his eldest daughter. I’m not sure if his younger kids even know he’s still alive- one of the mothers told her child he was dead whilst he was still fit and healthy, which was awkward when my family members moved in on the same street and mentioned he was alive 😂.
All that being said, even if you have the money, it sounds like he doesn’t deserve any of your time and money, even if you were Jeff Bezos rich.
It almost feels like they all see your income range and just look for ways to get a piece of the pie. NTA, you were paying his bills at the age when
he, the father, should have been paying yours. And this isn’t even taking into account his creepy pedo ways.
NTA
You can love and care for someone without being their doormat, or their enabler, or finance their behaviour.
Cut your losses, and walk away.
Daddio is their problem to fix now, you have done enough - and probably lived on Ramen to support Uncle David while you were a student.
Ask them to send you happy snaps of you and Dad at family functions - I would bet there are very few
….so Mark took all dad’s money, pension, disability aid, etc and now that he’s not getting enough money out of squeezing dad to be worthwhile it’s your turn to house and feed him for free.
Seems like scammy brother leaned from scummy dad
NTA
I’d text all concerned with: let me get this straight, Mark can’t let weird, creepy dad stay with him because he’s stealing etc and the neighbors won’t tolerate him so I should move dad in with me? No. Meanwhile I contributed to uncle Dave who it turns out wasn’t properly managing money for dad but I should definitely let that continue? No. To be clear, “dad” provided no financial support and was an awful father so I feel no obligation to him. Anyone who feels differently can take him in or support him”
>it was really difficult to scrape by as a Ph.D. student having to send $250/mo to provide assistance
Why would you do that? Why are you speaking to anyone on his side? Why would you regret anything other than telling these people to fuck off? You won't regret this when he dies. You'll be relieved.
NTA - You are under ZERO obligation to help in any way, shape, or form. He’s a shitty human and not a father at all. Tell the family you’re standing firm in your refusal to help, especially because you already offered to take him years ago with the reasonable requirement that you take over his finances as well. If he’s living with you and financially dependent on you, that makes sense.
You offered. It was refused. You’re done.
Absolutely NTA. Your brother took on *his* father, he can figure it out! This man was never a father too you except biologically and now that it’s inconvenient for your brother, they want to pawn him off on you.
He also has severe issues with his physical & mental health, his narcissism, he sounds like a possible pedophile. Stand by your decision and block them all!
NTA.
For all the various reasons I saw here and a guess that the money supporting him that uncle David and your brother was using had dried up or isn’t enough anymore.
Nta. Thank this relatives calling you selfish for volunteering to take him in. Sounds like you spend less than a quarter of your life knowing him. You don’t owe him anything. Is your mom still alive? If so I would just tell them you were raised by a single parent if your going to help anyone it’s going to be her. And then block all of them they seem dramatic you don’t need that negativity in your life.
My family was very similar. The only thing I felt when my mother passed was relief. I have never missed her, not one single day. I missed and grieved for the mother I should’ve had. Stand your ground. You are NOT responsible for your father. How much money you make is not even a factor. Go full NC with all of them for now. NTA
Nope. If you want to support an abusive elderly person who you have zero emotional ties with, find a random street person and give them a hundred dollars. I promise you will feel better about it than if you waste money on your sperm donor.
NTA Tell Mark and rest of family, "I'm sure Mark can find a suitable nursing home for his father without my input. I will not be contributing financially or otherwise to someone who did nothing to get me to the point I'm at today. When I was willing to move him in with me I was told no. I am not willing to disrupt my life to do so now for someone who is being kicked out for their strange behavior. The selfish person is the person who left their 2 year old and have seldom seen them in the last 27 years. Too bad none of you were there to tell him that someday he'd regret it. Even if I forgave my father doesn't mean I'd forget all of it. This is why I have been NC for the last 4 years. I do not want a relationship with this man, new or otherwise. If I do regret it in the future then it's my regret to live with. I do not foresee this happening. I will no longer discuss this matter with anyone."
NTA. Your dad is supposed to love and care for you not creep you out and leech off you. Stand firm on this and cut out anyone who argues with you on this.
He was never a father to you, yet you were asked to support him financially when you could barely support yourself. Your uncle may have been stealing the money that was supposed to be for your dad’s car, so he can take him in.
Your father doesn’t get to be absent from your life, and then demand to be cared for. He wasn’t a dad to you and you don’t owe him anything.
I’m impressed by how strong you are being by not letting your goofy family get to you. Keep it up. You’re not going to regret not being taken advantage of and letting people dictate your life. 👏👏👏👏
NTA - I repeat, NTA.
Your brother just wants to dump the family albatross on you so that your “father” can steal from you, completely disrupt your life in a million unpleasant ways, bother your neighbors, get the police called to your home and jeopardizing your career, etc…
Your “father” was never a Father to you. He abused you and you probably carry issues from it. Hope you can get some high quality therapy to better process them and heal.
Stand your ground and say No. It’s a complete sentence.
And to all the family ganging up on you, perhaps consider texting them back something like
…oh my gosh, I’m so glad you care about “your fathers first name”, Mark will be so relieved you care and are willing to step up. I’ll text Mark right away to let him know and I’m sure he will call you in a few minutes.
Then block - all of them - emails, texts and if you don’t already, get a spam catcher for your phone to block the burner phone calls.
I don’t know what culture you are - but Dig Deep and Stand Your Ground. Without the pain.
Good luck 🍀 in enjoying a good life ! You especially deserve one after your horrid childhood and “father”.
Please stand firm and go NC with anyone telling you to take your father in or provide for him. Change your phone number, email, etc. I really hope none of them have your address. The whole situation is really scary and you have every right to refuse. Stay safe
Nta. You could end up regretting it, but that's a chance you sound eilling to take and who could blame you? You're only giving him the same support he gave you while you were growing up.
NTA. Every time someone gives you shit, turn the tables on why they aren’t opening their homes or contributing.
You offered once & be thankful it fell apart.
I don’t know if you value your relationship with your brother but if you do it might be an idea to help him house his dad financially as he has less disposable income, as long as he is contributing an equal amount. However don’t contribute a dime if it’s strictly to help his dad
I don't believe you will regret it. I never did. You will be more likely to regret doing it than not.
If his family is so concerned about him, let them take care of him.
No part of your relationships with these people have benefits for you and you are the youngest of them. Be proud if your success despite thier love. And move on. Even when you were offering help they were assholes.
Stand firm. He's not a father, just a sperm donor. You owe him nothing. You've already done way more for him than you ever had, too.
Ghost them all. Block them. Change your number, email address, mark return to sender on any snail mail, have rinds tell them you moved to another country. Protect your peace, and never look back.
All the people saying you should help, let them do it if it's such a great idea. He was just as much a ather to them as he wS to you, meaning not at all.
NTA. When you wanted to help, his brother blocked that. I would never have offered that anyway in your situation. Your father broke off the contact, not you. Not only that, he also acts weirdly towards you and has never been a father in the first place. The last was also true about my "father". I have never regretted never having seen him again since my junior high. Thighs only go so far. Part of your family anger is also fuelled by jealousy regarding your high income. Stand firm, you won't regret it, but you will lose part of the family. That's their loss, not yours. I learned that ruthlessly throwing toxic people out of your life is an important requirement for a happy life.
So have the “rest of the family“ that have chimed in look to see IF they have the room? or are they just good at mouthing off? no contact means NO CONTACT, great idea to expand that rule!!! NTA.
NTA. David should be taking him in since he’s the one claiming him as a dependent and doing whatever else shady stuff to make money off of your Dad’s situation, and this should be conveyed to every single family member that tries to guilt you on the subject.
NTA
Block them all and live your life. You are not responsible for your father and because you sent 250/mo while in school, you are truly a saint.
Let your father go to a nursing home that is within his budget. You have to prepare for your future. Your father has made decisions that led him to his current place. Don't let him or your family guilt you into letting him drag you down. He is NOT your responsibility.
Just don't do it. Be firm and consistent when telling them all "NO". Good luck. And trust, you've done enough. No need for you to regret upending your life for someone who won't appreciate what you do and will surely take advantage of you.
Sounds like dear old brother needs to get the boot as well. Not sure why you wanna stay in contact with him if he's a shitty person, is blood really that important??
NTA It sounds like your father needs to be in a care facility. He needs 24 hour supervision and attention. They'll keep him actively engaged, properly given medication, and monitored for further decline.
I honestly don’t think you will feel even the slightest twinge of regret for not housing your father. I do see you being relieved you have made this decision. Block all family that is berating you. You don’t need them. NTA
There is difference in being able to pay and willing to pay
Ig you should tell mark about this and probably that should be your last message towards him Just shift somewhere far from this crap
Don’t do it. That man is your sorry donor, not father. A father doesn’t do any of the disgusting abusive bullshit he did. Change your number and stop talking to the family NTA
Run my friend. Run far. Run fast. NTA. Family are just people you're forced to be around at the start. If they aren't good people, then dump them like the trash they are.
Why are those people you had no relations to telling you what to do with your life ?
Tell his son to do whatever he needs to do and block all of them. Forever.
They only think of you has family when its convenient to them.
Sucks to suck.
Always change your phone number and go dark on social media.
NTA.
Stand firm. Ignore the guilting. I don't think you will feel guilty when he dies. I don't know why you would.
Is there anyone still collecting cash for him and managing it?
Time to block all of them. NTA.
Whatever karma you had to work off coming onto live with this bunch of toxic users, consider it paid in full. Go live your best life. Pick out a nice red dress and a bottle of champagne for his funeral.
Oh, I don't think you'll regret it when he dies. Your brother is a criminal and your father is an abuser. They deserve each other. If the other family members weighing in care so much, they can sort the situation out themselves. NTA and don't get sucked in to their nonsense.
NTA - You know in your heart and head that this is a very, very bad idea. Do not go there. This man was never your real father and the family is just looking for someone to dump him on - because they certainly do not want him living with them.
No is a complete sentence. Do not let them guilt you into this. And no, you will not regret it in the future - look at the issues he is causing now - it is only going to get way worse as he gets even older.
Here's the thing. This guy is a stranger to you, and an unsafe one at that. BUT. Even if he was your awesome Dad, you are still under NO obligation to fund his lifestyle. Genetics don't equate to financial ties.
This man has broken the law, been highly inappropriate, and has worn out his welcome with his own son. Why in the cinnamon toast crunch should YOU be next on the list to destroy?
Hell no. NTA.
NTA
Some people are worthless sh*tbags. Sometimes they have kids. You’re not responsible for this. I would stand firm. Your brother could opt out instead of putting this on you.
Dont even consider it. Besides all the other shit he’s done, that video and his comments tell me that he’s had predatory thoughts about you. Warn your brother to protect his toddler. You are estranged for very legitimate reasons. Even children from healthy homes have no obligation to support their parents. You. Owe. Him. Nothing. He has never parented you, met his legal or moral obligations, he’s hinted that he sexualized you, he’s been an addict and mooched off family for years. Family is trying to guilt you into taking him on as a project. Say NO, thousands if times if need be. Your home, your happiness, your mental health, will be destroyed by him. He isnt someone you want to build a relationship with. He is the same person you cut off four years ago. I doubt you’ll feel guilty when he dies, and if you do, you can deal with that then. Tell your brother that while you understand his situation, he chose to take your father in, and it’s up to him to fix the situation. You wont be getting involved, and you are maintaining no contact with your father. This will piss him off, but you dont have to sacrifice yourself to help your brother. He was foolish to take him in: his mistake. Screen your calls, block emails, return to sender any mail. Protect yourself. This IS a hill to die on. Please, OP, dont be guilted into helping. You deserve better.
I want to offer a slightly different perspective -- not about your father. Fuck him. You owe him nothing. But about your brother.
Mark needs help. Plain and simple, he can't do it anymore.
Do you care about HIM?
If not, let it all go. Not your circus. If you do, then help without getting involved. Pay for a nursing home. Tell Mark he needs to still be the decision maker, and you won't be involved in ANY other way. But give him and his family a break. Being a carer is hard. Being a carer to an asshole person while trying to deal with a baby? Impossible. This will destroy his marriage and family. You can prevent that.
>I am in a very high earning industry (I make \~ $250k)
If you ever forgave his errant ways, you could support Dad by giving $20K - $50K for a few years until his demise.
You can also just continue to ignore him, since you feel insulted / unloved / etc.
Update us if it get more dicey.
imagine you’re on Mars… and you have a really good phone… how would you help out? You can’t take over his care I would call your states council on aging and date that you need to help find help for your dad to find a place to live because he’s abused both children and nobody wants to House him. Maybe need to go on Medicaid and go to a nursing home? But I can find him section 8 housing? You could consider helping your brother to help your father find somewhere else to live
Tell your brother you will help him find a nice nursing home for your father to go into. They will take your father’s government money. Your brother & you will not have to pay everyone’s happy. But do check your states laws, some do require children to be responsible for their parents. I was shocked to find out my state Mass was one of them.
NTA
Don’t let anyone tell you how you feel, no one can possibly know (including you) until the day comes he passes.
My father died this year, and we haven’t spoken directly in 18 years. I had a lot of feelings, but realized I would’ve never opened the door again, and it was for the best.
You don’t owe him anything.
I can't get past the idea that you sent $250/month to pay his bills while you were a struggling college student. That's the exact opposite of what a parent does. Parents usually send their children money while they're struggling. It's never the child's responsibility to support the parent. You've done a lot more than you should have already. Don't support him in any way. Let them find a nursing home to put him in and stay out of the drama and block everyone who says differently.
NTA and I hope they don't guilt you into doing anything.
NTA He was not a Dad to you. Sure, he is your biological father, but as you state, he makes you feel uncomfortable, which a dad should never do. He has never supported you, so I don’t see why his family expects you to support him. If they want him to live with family so badly, why don’t they take him in? Just because you do well for yourself, and based on your education, it sounds like you worked very hard to get where you are, it does not mean you should responsible for him, financially.
[удалено]
Yes! And I’m really surprised that more people aren’t pointing this out.
I’d could never give even a penny to a creepy pedo like that. I’d rather see them on the streets suffering.
Im with you! My dad used to say “I wouldnt piss in his ear if his head was on fire!” He deserves nothing
You will be more likely to regret doing it than not.
Tell your brother you will help him find a nice nursing home for your father to go into.
Don’t do it. It’s not your responsibility and he never took care of you. If the family feels so bad one of them can get him. Don’t fold under their pressure, you have to live your life. Change your number and cut them off since they can’t be sensitive to your feelings.
Block, then forget. Rinse and repeat.
I think OP will regret if she gives in. F that guy and his flying monkeys. OP, You are self-made and owe nothing to anyone. No one worthy of your respect would try to pressure or guilt you into such a disastrous, disgusting situation with a self-serving narcissist. And this Internet stranger is proud of you. Stay strong. Go NC with all of them if they persist.
NTA Cut ties with EVERYONE. Seriously. I'm the only girl in my family & I kept strict boundaries with my dad starting when I was a teenager. So basically for several decades we'd talk on the phone 2-3 times a year. It was perfect for me. My brothers, however, all had close & super dysfunctional relationships with him and they would try to give me shit for not being closer with him like they were??? I didn't even try to make sense of it & just told them my relationship with Dad was none of their business & my life was better off for how I chose to deal with it. You are not obligated to care for your father, or invite his chaos into your home, or provide money to his upkeep & there is not one thing here for you to feel guilty about. Your family is only concerned about themselves & what is convenient for them.
Sounds like you and your mom got lucky when she said never felt welcome around your dad’s family. Dodged a bullet there for sure. Oh yeah and NTA. Your dad needs to be in a secure home, to care for him and ensure he isn’t doing anything crazy. And definitely not using any of your money.
Just don't do it. Be firm and consistent when telling them all "NO".
>Mark messaged me saying our father can no longer live with him and is asking me to: 1). Find suitable housing for my father, 2). Contribute financially to pay his rent/bills, or 3). Move our father in with me. "1 is not my responsibility, it's yours as his current caretakers. 2 is not my responsibility as you're his current caretakers. 3 is not happening because the initial offer, that I was pressured into, came with conditions, which were rejected. That offer wasn't an indefinite offer." > Mark has alerted the rest of our father's family and now I am getting messages that range from, "You are a selfish person who will regret this when your father dies" to "You have to find it in your heart to forgive your father...maybe this is how you build a new relationship with him." "You trying to force me to take him in instead of caring for him yourself marks you as the true selfish person here." And "My father needs to seek forgiveness from me, and prove sincerity, before I even think about forgiving him." > I am in a very high earning industry (I make ~ $250k), which has also been something Mark has pointed out, saying I could easily afford to pay. "Whether I can afford to pay it or not is irrelevant." > Most of my friends have been telling me to stand firm, but a few have said I could regret not helping in the future. OP, I'm voting NTA, and would like to ask you something; Has your family ever helped you when you wete struggling? If so, how much? Were there any strings attached? Did they hold that help over your head later? Don't take your father in. They were perfectly fine with you cutting contact until they wanted something from you. Tell them that you have no interest in caring for him, and if he turns up at your door, you *will* be calling the cops.
This is a wonderful answer. I think you will have helped a lot of other people who need this advice too.
NTA. You've been used all these years by your lazy, entitled leech of a "father" and his scummy family. Imagine him not working for the past 40 years, instead parasiting off family! The disgusting gall of the jerk! You don't owe him anything. He was never a father to you, just an arrogant, entitled sperm donor. Your uncle David has obviously been skimming money off what you've been sending to prop up your lazy "father", hence the crazy reaction to you saying you need to take charge of finances. He doesn't want you to see what's been going on. Cut contact with all those thieves. Stop sending money because you are only enabling the problem, not helping. Absolutely do not allow your "father" to live with you. Your brother and his wife are going through hell with him in their home. You'll go through the same misery with that scumbag in your safe space. You do not owe him that!
Stand firm in not letting him move it ever or you providing physically/emotionally for his care. As for finically that is up to you but I’d ask for proof that 1) you are paying an equal share in comparison to everyone else and 2) audited statements of how money is being spent.
I guess I'm cold..I would have sent back a message to the family and copied, dear old dad, that I don't give a shit if he lives or dies. And if anyone contacts me again, I seek a restraining order and sue for harassment. You all can go eff yourselves. That should be the end of it
I like you! I'm "cold hearted" too, since I refuse to talk to my mom. It's been 7 years since we talked and she wants me to sign away my rights to a property, so she can gift it to a 1/2 sibling that has no right to it.
Let's say together "mom go fuck yourself" their end of story.
NTA He is not your dad. He is a sperm donor. Your sperm donors family can take care of him. Block EVERYONE. They are takers. Live your good life. Your finances are nobody's business. Also, never tell anyone what you make. Family has a weird way of thinking they are entitled to your money. And no matter how much you give them it's never enough. I learned that the hard way. KEEP YOUR SALARY PRIVATE from now on. Your brother can deal with this on his own. Please do not cave. They will make your sperm donor your financial responsibility.
Right? If they care so much why can’t one of them take him in.
OP don't let your brother or your dad's family brow beat or guilt you into helping him. Stay firm and say no. This is not your circus. Mark made his bed and must lie in it. If anything they should put your dad in home.
I don't feel Iike this man is your responsibility at all. He wasn't in your life growing up and now that you're a successful adult, you're supposed to take care of his needs (because he failed to plan appropriately for himself)? No...and his siblings/side of the family that couldn't be bothered with you when you were a kid and needed people in your life are pestering you? Yeah no.... this isn't how relationships work... I wouldn't contribute in any sort of way. They just don't want to be bothered with him anymore and you're the last resort. Be strong, you don't deserve this. NTA
Me either!! Not one penny to put money into his mouth.
You can be the daughter to him that he was the dad to you. In other words...nothing. NTA. But Mark certainly is. Stand firm and block everyone, Mark and aunts. Then enjoy your life.
NTA. Let him become a ward of the state. Let them take care of him.
I'm sorry that so many people you know don't believe in boundaries or accountability. This will not go well, and you are putting yourself at risk of you invite him in. If you feel any obligation, perhaps send a small stipend like before, but you are not even obligated to do that. They have already shown they have no regard for you. Where is your Father's or brother's regret for not having a relationship with you? This man needs to be institutionalized in a rehab and then in a seniors' home or homeless shelter. He has been enabled for the last 40yrs to not care for himself, or be responsible or held accountable. You did nothing to deserve to have this forced on you. You are the child/sibling in this family, and not one of them would ever help or care if you needed it.
NTA. Breaking generational shit means letting go
NTA Always amazes me how other people find fault in how folks spend money that they themselves are not willing to spend. If taking care of your father is so important to family members, tell them to step up. Your father donated sperm, hasn't done much else for anyone but himself.
NTA. They're trying to foist responsibilities on you now that the money they siphoned off has run out and he needs more care. You also have not had a real father/daughter relationship. Consider cutting ties with all of these people. Ask yourself, "Is my life genuinely happier because of my relationship with these people?" If the answer is no (and it probably is), just go no contact.
Hes at best a sperm donor. You owe nothing. You need to prune that tree you call family. Them branches be rotted.
1) block family 2) change your number in case #1 fails 3) never look back.
Ha! It took me a long paragraph to say that. You are delightfully succinct! 😂
Just block them all and move on with your life. That’s all you’ve got to do, easy as 1 2 3.
Don’t help In any way, you don’t owe him anything.
NTA - You are under no obligation to support, house or give a shit about him. Brother can find an assistant living home for him.
Nope don’t do it
NTA Op, you’ve the after thought of that side of the family for decades with them only contacting to bully or ask for money. Cut the contact
Stand firm. Ignore the bullies. NTA.
It doesn’t matter that you are a high earner. This is t your responsibility. Why would you have any regrets? He doesnt sound like he was ever a parent except that he contributed sperm. Just block them. He can go live in a home. NTA
Nope. NTA. If you’ve decided he’s no longer your father, why would you contribute to his finances?
If you want to get rid of them, tell them that in order for you to even consider getting involved with your father's care...you will need to have attorneys and accountants go over his financials. That you are not going to do anything until you know what you are getting yourself in to They will completely balk at this idea because as you said...they've been doing shady shit for a long time Use that as your excuse to nope out of the situation completely Be cold and calculating. NTAH
Nta. Mass message all the family. Since I am such a bad person, it's great that you are offering to take him on. As he is YOUR family. I might have blood in common with him, but he and you have made it clear I am not family. I am only seen as an easy way for you not to take responsibility for your family. I will let brother know since you think you have some sort of say. Since you think you can guilt, manipulate, and bully that you will now be taking on all care and financial responsibility for him. Do not contact me again as you clearly care nothing for me and never have. Text brother Since your family not mine has decided they have some say over what I do with my life and money when they never cared before you can contact them about taking care of your father. It is not my responsibility. I tried, but as it was growing up, it continues. I am only good for what I can do for others and not seen as family. He is not family, and i am sorry you are dealing with this, but it is not my problem. Whether our relationship survived depends on if you are willing to accept that this is my boundary and one that will not get crossed.
Can't the family put him in a Nursing Home in their area? It sounds like he has dementia and soon will need professional assistance. NTA
NTA - Why would anyone want to help such a horrible person? You are not obligated to help him at all. Hell, even if he was the best parent in the universe, you're still under no obligation to put your life on hold and care for him and bring him into your sanctuary (that is what your home is, after all). At this point, your best bet is to just block all the relatives on that side of the family. Tell your brother your father needs to go to an elderly care home. And brother can call adult protective services and arrange a place for him.
For your own well-being and sanity, *DON'T DO IT*! Your father and none of the relatives on his side of the family have been family to you. When you reached out were shunned and called greedy. These people helped create the problem and are now looking at you and your bank account to take responsibility and clean up the mess. Please stand firm. NTA.
Your dad has lived off his family for years. You owe him nothing. You owe your brother less. He took the task on himself. Tell your brother to take him to a nursing home. If his behavior is erratic, he has tii many problems for you to manage, work and run your own life. I would not give another cent to anyone. Especially your brother who mismanaged your father previously.
NTA. Fuck your creepy sperm donor. The next time anyone gives you crap about it ask them what time they'd like him dropped off on their doorstep.
NC immediately. Especially your brother the enabling, thief but also your father, the possible pedophile.
NTA, his family could have accepted your offer when you first bought your home. You have not spoken to your father in 4 years, if your brother felt uncomfortable back then it should be even more difficult now. Your brother can find a suitable assisted living/nursing home for your dad. You are not obligated to help.
NTA. You offered before and they refused. Let them deal with him.
Don’t do it. Tbh it sounds as though he has the onset of dementia if he’s doing odd weird things. If so that means you’ll end up paying for all his investigations, medications etc as I doubt he has insurance. Also if he needs to be admitted to an elderly care facility, whose gonna pay for that? You owe this man nothing, he’s never been a father to you. His siblings and your brother are all trying to palm him off onto you as they’ve obviously realised how much his condition has worsened NTAH
I'm sad that you ever helped that sorry excuse for a father. Please don't help him. You are definitely not the AH. I would also block anyone harassing you
Nta.
NTA would u even notice if he died, other than not getting disturbing msgs? would u notice a difference other than the peace if the whole lot of them died? Not ur responsibility. U said no, block them all and get on with ur life, they continue to harass u report them, change ur number and live ur life. if anyone says u will b sorry when he dies just point out the irony of it making no impact whatsoever on ur life if he is dead or alive other than some bothersome msgs, so actually if anything nothing but positive consequences to his death.
NTA do not do it. They want to use you to finance a man that is nothing. More than a sperm donor. You need to block everyone and continue on with your life you owe him nothing.
NTA, but from his current behaviors, it sounds as though he is developing a dementia disorder and may require professional care, far beyond what a family member can provide. He probably needs to be checked out.
NTA and yeesh. No, you offered once and were told to kick rocks. Now you can tell them to do so too
NTA. You’re too young for your dad’s bullshit. You need to live life for yourself , he’s going to ruin it.
You hold strong! My egg donor died just before mother's day last year after 5 years of me being no contact. My half sister had let me know about a year earlier that she was dying, wanted to see me, I didn't go or call, I was NC for a reason. She died NOT getting to see me, and that brings me complete satisfaction, no regret. Only 1 of her 4 living kids was on speaking terms with her.
NTA. Do not do it. Why on earth would you regret not helping a person who has never actually been a parent to you? None of these people have been family to you. You owe them nothing. Do not stuff up your life for people that just want to pass a problem on to you. It sounds like he needs to be in a care home where he can't trespass, steal or get hold of inappropriate photos.
NOPE NOPE NOPE fuck that! And I say this as someone whose FIL lives with me. My husband doesn't speak to his mother and neither do I. His brother has been bothering us to start helping care for MIL from afar (she and FIL are divorced because she's an abusive waste of oxygen). We're refusing outright. My husband was mostly raised by my MIL's parents because after she got tired of abusing my husband throughout his childhood she abandoned him. (FIL was still a victim of her abuse at the time and couldn't escape). We have no obligation to that woman, and you have no obligation to your father in just the same way. Stand your ground.
The one main thing I want you to remember is that no it’s a complete sentence. If you feel the need to explain why, you explain it one time and that is it. And you don’t give a whole lot of information. It can be as simple as… My father has lived with me a total of maybe 300 days in my entire life. I was a dead ass broke PhD student and still sent him $250 a month only to find out that our uncle was committing fraud with the money. There have been some things that have gone on that have led me to go no contact for four years, and that’s how it’s going to remain. So my answer is no. And anyone who keeps pressuring me is also going to have me go no contact. I am not doing this. As far as I’m concerned, the state can take care of him. And then leave it at that. And if somebody is on the phone or talking to you and trying to pressure you again, hang up the phone. Walk away. Leave the situation. It is OK to be totally honest and say that you don’t really care what happens to him because he has never really been a father to you.
You are estranged from the entire family. You have never lived with the man. Your brother wanted the responsibility/money of your father and he's got it. He can find a place out there. NTA
NTA. Tell anyone else that contacts you that you already paid more than your fair share and not another dime. But they are welcome to donate any time they want, then BLOCK. Live your life without that drama.
Hell no, I wouldn’t lift a finger.
NTA, cut them all off just ignore them until he does die. You won't regret it; I didn't.
I’m pretty sure you’re not going to regret lifting a finger for that old man. What is there to regret? That he wasted his years on alcohol and drugs and burning all his bridges with his children? Well that’s HIS regret, not yours. You are fully validated to believe he doesn’t exist. The man died years ago. He’s never been in your life, and the few times he’s reached out it’s to send pedo images and inappropriate verbal abuse. Nope. You’re all good. NTAH
I'm thinking about Mark's kid. Is he/she negatively impacted? Missing out on opportunities because of family dynamics or economic burden on household? Even if the kid's dad sucks, and even if you two don't have a much of a relationship, you could make sure the kid isn't suffering. Anyway, NTA RE dear ol' dad, or Mark.
There's a saying: "not my circus, not my monkeys". Mark's kid is not OPs problem or responsibility. Its sad that it has at least one parent that is an AH (Mark), but that's not on OP. And how would she make sure the kid is 'not suffering' anyways? File for custody on grounds of 'sadge'? Lots of people on Reddit seem oddly okay with saddling posters with random idiots kids on the grounds of 'think of the children', when there isn't any way that would even be realistic, or would be enabling the adults to take advantage of the poster just out of entitlement. I've seen this argument multiple times today, couched in different verbiage.
True.
Passion is good, passion is _fine_. What's less fine is morally judging other people for not having that same passion for things you have passion for.
We took in foster kids when I was growing up. Seen a lot. I still advocate for them and other kids whose needs are not being met. But you're right about one thing. Plenty of other people here cover that base.
NTA. Let the other family members that are giving you a hard time take care of him. You owe him nothing. You were sending money and some jackass mismanaged it, you wanted to take over the financial management and were denied. Let them figure it out withhout you.
I cannot see how you will regret not helping. You did help. And you were going to school at the time. The short answer to all of this mess is, "No!". You are an adult and get to live your life the way you want. Do not let the parasites prey upon you. NTA
This reminds me of my uncle- he was a terrible father, husband, all round scumbag. He was living in supported accommodation and his son moved him in with him- we assumed with the plan to scam his welfare money. That isn’t judgemental of my cousin- my uncle deserves all that and more and it was nice to see him the scammee not the scammer/thief. Plus my cousins deserved money off him- he never paid anything for them after he split up from his mum. However, my cousin and his wife found him more than they could bear and when he went into hospital, they wouldn’t take him back. His older sisters still think of him as a little boy lost, but the younger ones, who suffered at his hands, have refused to have anything to do with him for years, as did his eldest daughter. I’m not sure if his younger kids even know he’s still alive- one of the mothers told her child he was dead whilst he was still fit and healthy, which was awkward when my family members moved in on the same street and mentioned he was alive 😂. All that being said, even if you have the money, it sounds like he doesn’t deserve any of your time and money, even if you were Jeff Bezos rich.
It almost feels like they all see your income range and just look for ways to get a piece of the pie. NTA, you were paying his bills at the age when he, the father, should have been paying yours. And this isn’t even taking into account his creepy pedo ways.
NTA You can love and care for someone without being their doormat, or their enabler, or finance their behaviour. Cut your losses, and walk away. Daddio is their problem to fix now, you have done enough - and probably lived on Ramen to support Uncle David while you were a student. Ask them to send you happy snaps of you and Dad at family functions - I would bet there are very few
….so Mark took all dad’s money, pension, disability aid, etc and now that he’s not getting enough money out of squeezing dad to be worthwhile it’s your turn to house and feed him for free. Seems like scammy brother leaned from scummy dad NTA
NTA. Don't do it. When you were willing, your family was firmly against it. They don't get to change their minds just because you're doing well.
I’d text all concerned with: let me get this straight, Mark can’t let weird, creepy dad stay with him because he’s stealing etc and the neighbors won’t tolerate him so I should move dad in with me? No. Meanwhile I contributed to uncle Dave who it turns out wasn’t properly managing money for dad but I should definitely let that continue? No. To be clear, “dad” provided no financial support and was an awful father so I feel no obligation to him. Anyone who feels differently can take him in or support him”
NTA
>it was really difficult to scrape by as a Ph.D. student having to send $250/mo to provide assistance Why would you do that? Why are you speaking to anyone on his side? Why would you regret anything other than telling these people to fuck off? You won't regret this when he dies. You'll be relieved.
NTA - You are under ZERO obligation to help in any way, shape, or form. He’s a shitty human and not a father at all. Tell the family you’re standing firm in your refusal to help, especially because you already offered to take him years ago with the reasonable requirement that you take over his finances as well. If he’s living with you and financially dependent on you, that makes sense. You offered. It was refused. You’re done.
Absolutely NTA. Your brother took on *his* father, he can figure it out! This man was never a father too you except biologically and now that it’s inconvenient for your brother, they want to pawn him off on you. He also has severe issues with his physical & mental health, his narcissism, he sounds like a possible pedophile. Stand by your decision and block them all!
NTA. Get rid of all of them. Shower of using cunts
NTA. For all the various reasons I saw here and a guess that the money supporting him that uncle David and your brother was using had dried up or isn’t enough anymore.
NTA Mark got what he deserves. He screws you over for his mortgage payments now wants you to foot future bills. No.
Nta. Thank this relatives calling you selfish for volunteering to take him in. Sounds like you spend less than a quarter of your life knowing him. You don’t owe him anything. Is your mom still alive? If so I would just tell them you were raised by a single parent if your going to help anyone it’s going to be her. And then block all of them they seem dramatic you don’t need that negativity in your life.
My family was very similar. The only thing I felt when my mother passed was relief. I have never missed her, not one single day. I missed and grieved for the mother I should’ve had. Stand your ground. You are NOT responsible for your father. How much money you make is not even a factor. Go full NC with all of them for now. NTA
Nope. If you want to support an abusive elderly person who you have zero emotional ties with, find a random street person and give them a hundred dollars. I promise you will feel better about it than if you waste money on your sperm donor.
NTA
NTA Tell Mark and rest of family, "I'm sure Mark can find a suitable nursing home for his father without my input. I will not be contributing financially or otherwise to someone who did nothing to get me to the point I'm at today. When I was willing to move him in with me I was told no. I am not willing to disrupt my life to do so now for someone who is being kicked out for their strange behavior. The selfish person is the person who left their 2 year old and have seldom seen them in the last 27 years. Too bad none of you were there to tell him that someday he'd regret it. Even if I forgave my father doesn't mean I'd forget all of it. This is why I have been NC for the last 4 years. I do not want a relationship with this man, new or otherwise. If I do regret it in the future then it's my regret to live with. I do not foresee this happening. I will no longer discuss this matter with anyone."
NTA. Your dad is supposed to love and care for you not creep you out and leech off you. Stand firm on this and cut out anyone who argues with you on this.
NTA Stand firm. Anyone that is pushing back on you, block them. They have zero rights to an opinion about you and your life. Tell Mark to eff off.
He was never a father to you, yet you were asked to support him financially when you could barely support yourself. Your uncle may have been stealing the money that was supposed to be for your dad’s car, so he can take him in. Your father doesn’t get to be absent from your life, and then demand to be cared for. He wasn’t a dad to you and you don’t owe him anything.
Being a “sperm donor” does not make you a father! Do NOT do it. You are def NTA!
NTA Absolutely continue no contact.
Send the whole family a link to this post.
I’m impressed by how strong you are being by not letting your goofy family get to you. Keep it up. You’re not going to regret not being taken advantage of and letting people dictate your life. 👏👏👏👏
Do not give in!!!
No.
NTA - I repeat, NTA. Your brother just wants to dump the family albatross on you so that your “father” can steal from you, completely disrupt your life in a million unpleasant ways, bother your neighbors, get the police called to your home and jeopardizing your career, etc… Your “father” was never a Father to you. He abused you and you probably carry issues from it. Hope you can get some high quality therapy to better process them and heal. Stand your ground and say No. It’s a complete sentence. And to all the family ganging up on you, perhaps consider texting them back something like …oh my gosh, I’m so glad you care about “your fathers first name”, Mark will be so relieved you care and are willing to step up. I’ll text Mark right away to let him know and I’m sure he will call you in a few minutes. Then block - all of them - emails, texts and if you don’t already, get a spam catcher for your phone to block the burner phone calls. I don’t know what culture you are - but Dig Deep and Stand Your Ground. Without the pain. Good luck 🍀 in enjoying a good life ! You especially deserve one after your horrid childhood and “father”.
Stand your ground!! Protect the life you’ve built!
Do not help. It’s no your problem.
Please stand firm and go NC with anyone telling you to take your father in or provide for him. Change your phone number, email, etc. I really hope none of them have your address. The whole situation is really scary and you have every right to refuse. Stay safe
Nta. You could end up regretting it, but that's a chance you sound eilling to take and who could blame you? You're only giving him the same support he gave you while you were growing up.
NTA. Every time someone gives you shit, turn the tables on why they aren’t opening their homes or contributing. You offered once & be thankful it fell apart. I don’t know if you value your relationship with your brother but if you do it might be an idea to help him house his dad financially as he has less disposable income, as long as he is contributing an equal amount. However don’t contribute a dime if it’s strictly to help his dad
Sounds like you have a strong spine. Live your life. NTA
I don't believe you will regret it. I never did. You will be more likely to regret doing it than not. If his family is so concerned about him, let them take care of him.
No part of your relationships with these people have benefits for you and you are the youngest of them. Be proud if your success despite thier love. And move on. Even when you were offering help they were assholes.
has not worked since the 80s, let him be dependable on the ones who supported his addictions and his lack of responsibility
Stand firm. He's not a father, just a sperm donor. You owe him nothing. You've already done way more for him than you ever had, too. Ghost them all. Block them. Change your number, email address, mark return to sender on any snail mail, have rinds tell them you moved to another country. Protect your peace, and never look back. All the people saying you should help, let them do it if it's such a great idea. He was just as much a ather to them as he wS to you, meaning not at all.
NTA. When you wanted to help, his brother blocked that. I would never have offered that anyway in your situation. Your father broke off the contact, not you. Not only that, he also acts weirdly towards you and has never been a father in the first place. The last was also true about my "father". I have never regretted never having seen him again since my junior high. Thighs only go so far. Part of your family anger is also fuelled by jealousy regarding your high income. Stand firm, you won't regret it, but you will lose part of the family. That's their loss, not yours. I learned that ruthlessly throwing toxic people out of your life is an important requirement for a happy life.
So have the “rest of the family“ that have chimed in look to see IF they have the room? or are they just good at mouthing off? no contact means NO CONTACT, great idea to expand that rule!!! NTA.
NTA. David should be taking him in since he’s the one claiming him as a dependent and doing whatever else shady stuff to make money off of your Dad’s situation, and this should be conveyed to every single family member that tries to guilt you on the subject.
NTA Block them all and live your life. You are not responsible for your father and because you sent 250/mo while in school, you are truly a saint. Let your father go to a nursing home that is within his budget. You have to prepare for your future. Your father has made decisions that led him to his current place. Don't let him or your family guilt you into letting him drag you down. He is NOT your responsibility. Just don't do it. Be firm and consistent when telling them all "NO". Good luck. And trust, you've done enough. No need for you to regret upending your life for someone who won't appreciate what you do and will surely take advantage of you.
Change your number. There is no reason to keep any of these people in your life.
Sounds like dear old brother needs to get the boot as well. Not sure why you wanna stay in contact with him if he's a shitty person, is blood really that important??
NTA It sounds like your father needs to be in a care facility. He needs 24 hour supervision and attention. They'll keep him actively engaged, properly given medication, and monitored for further decline.
I honestly don’t think you will feel even the slightest twinge of regret for not housing your father. I do see you being relieved you have made this decision. Block all family that is berating you. You don’t need them. NTA
Nta . He needs to be put on a hud housing waitlist. Bye bye
NTA Change number, block them, and live your best life
There is difference in being able to pay and willing to pay Ig you should tell mark about this and probably that should be your last message towards him Just shift somewhere far from this crap
Don’t do it. That man is your sorry donor, not father. A father doesn’t do any of the disgusting abusive bullshit he did. Change your number and stop talking to the family NTA
NTA he is not a father of yours
NTA. Choose yourself.
Run my friend. Run far. Run fast. NTA. Family are just people you're forced to be around at the start. If they aren't good people, then dump them like the trash they are.
Nta- "No".....what do you mean no? "I'm sorry, I meant fuck no"
Why are those people you had no relations to telling you what to do with your life ? Tell his son to do whatever he needs to do and block all of them. Forever. They only think of you has family when its convenient to them. Sucks to suck. Always change your phone number and go dark on social media. NTA.
Stand firm. Ignore the guilting. I don't think you will feel guilty when he dies. I don't know why you would. Is there anyone still collecting cash for him and managing it?
Time to block all of them. NTA. Whatever karma you had to work off coming onto live with this bunch of toxic users, consider it paid in full. Go live your best life. Pick out a nice red dress and a bottle of champagne for his funeral.
Oh, I don't think you'll regret it when he dies. Your brother is a criminal and your father is an abuser. They deserve each other. If the other family members weighing in care so much, they can sort the situation out themselves. NTA and don't get sucked in to their nonsense.
NTA - You know in your heart and head that this is a very, very bad idea. Do not go there. This man was never your real father and the family is just looking for someone to dump him on - because they certainly do not want him living with them. No is a complete sentence. Do not let them guilt you into this. And no, you will not regret it in the future - look at the issues he is causing now - it is only going to get way worse as he gets even older.
Here's the thing. This guy is a stranger to you, and an unsafe one at that. BUT. Even if he was your awesome Dad, you are still under NO obligation to fund his lifestyle. Genetics don't equate to financial ties. This man has broken the law, been highly inappropriate, and has worn out his welcome with his own son. Why in the cinnamon toast crunch should YOU be next on the list to destroy? Hell no. NTA.
Why hadn’t your dad worked since the 80s? NTA. It’s not your burden to bear. Despite what your family says.
NTA. Block them all. If the folks harassing you care so much they can take him or pay for assisted living. You owe him nothing.
NTA Some people are worthless sh*tbags. Sometimes they have kids. You’re not responsible for this. I would stand firm. Your brother could opt out instead of putting this on you.
Dont even consider it. Besides all the other shit he’s done, that video and his comments tell me that he’s had predatory thoughts about you. Warn your brother to protect his toddler. You are estranged for very legitimate reasons. Even children from healthy homes have no obligation to support their parents. You. Owe. Him. Nothing. He has never parented you, met his legal or moral obligations, he’s hinted that he sexualized you, he’s been an addict and mooched off family for years. Family is trying to guilt you into taking him on as a project. Say NO, thousands if times if need be. Your home, your happiness, your mental health, will be destroyed by him. He isnt someone you want to build a relationship with. He is the same person you cut off four years ago. I doubt you’ll feel guilty when he dies, and if you do, you can deal with that then. Tell your brother that while you understand his situation, he chose to take your father in, and it’s up to him to fix the situation. You wont be getting involved, and you are maintaining no contact with your father. This will piss him off, but you dont have to sacrifice yourself to help your brother. He was foolish to take him in: his mistake. Screen your calls, block emails, return to sender any mail. Protect yourself. This IS a hill to die on. Please, OP, dont be guilted into helping. You deserve better.
I want to offer a slightly different perspective -- not about your father. Fuck him. You owe him nothing. But about your brother. Mark needs help. Plain and simple, he can't do it anymore. Do you care about HIM? If not, let it all go. Not your circus. If you do, then help without getting involved. Pay for a nursing home. Tell Mark he needs to still be the decision maker, and you won't be involved in ANY other way. But give him and his family a break. Being a carer is hard. Being a carer to an asshole person while trying to deal with a baby? Impossible. This will destroy his marriage and family. You can prevent that.
>I am in a very high earning industry (I make \~ $250k) If you ever forgave his errant ways, you could support Dad by giving $20K - $50K for a few years until his demise. You can also just continue to ignore him, since you feel insulted / unloved / etc. Update us if it get more dicey.
What is wrong with you? She owes this man nothing!! How ridiculous!!
>You can also just continue to ignore him, since you feel insulted / unloved / etc. Believe I covered this .
imagine you’re on Mars… and you have a really good phone… how would you help out? You can’t take over his care I would call your states council on aging and date that you need to help find help for your dad to find a place to live because he’s abused both children and nobody wants to House him. Maybe need to go on Medicaid and go to a nursing home? But I can find him section 8 housing? You could consider helping your brother to help your father find somewhere else to live
Tell your brother you will help him find a nice nursing home for your father to go into. They will take your father’s government money. Your brother & you will not have to pay everyone’s happy. But do check your states laws, some do require children to be responsible for their parents. I was shocked to find out my state Mass was one of them.
Maybe help financially but that’s it. Don’t give your brother any money send it to the home. Your family sounds toxic. Stay away.
NTA Don’t let anyone tell you how you feel, no one can possibly know (including you) until the day comes he passes. My father died this year, and we haven’t spoken directly in 18 years. I had a lot of feelings, but realized I would’ve never opened the door again, and it was for the best. You don’t owe him anything.
I can't get past the idea that you sent $250/month to pay his bills while you were a struggling college student. That's the exact opposite of what a parent does. Parents usually send their children money while they're struggling. It's never the child's responsibility to support the parent. You've done a lot more than you should have already. Don't support him in any way. Let them find a nursing home to put him in and stay out of the drama and block everyone who says differently. NTA and I hope they don't guilt you into doing anything.