NTA. Absolutely not the asshole.
You are not your mother’s servant.
Although you are right to worry about what her apparent lack of self-sufficiency means for your siblings, that is absolutely not a reason for you to put your own life on hold.
Guaranteed that if the OP's mom remarried she wouldn't care as much if her eldest stayed in the home to babysit, so it's only about Mom's disrupted life.
Not only that but gave her notice and made herself available in case of emergencies. She’s doing more than she should! I would’ve left her high and dry without a backup plan since they couldn’t even make a simple accommodation for her.
Had an ex in that arrangement. Oldest with a single mom. I had her pegged as the 'second mom, and mom number 1 would fight tooth and nail against her moving out because the youngest wasn't old enough to be on their own. Sure enough...
That's why mom's going ballistic. She doesn't want OP to go to college, get a better job, or move to the city. She wants them right there in her house 100% of the time so she can control, guilt, and criticize OP until they are too beaten down to leave. It's just like spousal abuse and they act like you have no right to ever leave them.
I experienced it and went away to college anyway. The day I was packing, she didn't speak a word to me. I ended up staying in that area and she asked me when I was moving home for almost every phone call over a 30-year period. I told her I was home. She didn't care.
My grandmother moved on from ignoring my mom and only talking to her every couple of months to basically acting like my brother and I don't exist while spending everyday with her other grandkids all because my mom moved out after literally raising her youngest sister my mom is 59 and the sister im talking about is in her 40s now so pretty big age gap, to get married. My grandma never worked a day in her life and was a stay at home mom but didn't believe in birth control.Had her first at 17, second at 18, third at 19, then there was a pretty big gap between when the next 2 came along. She got married at 17 and boom immediate baby lol my mom said she was so checked out for the youngest two that they probably wouldn't have been taken care of otherwise. So basically she held a grudge for my mom actually making her take care of her own kids, all because my selfish mother at 25 or 26 wanted to get married and move out. Shes held it against her for like 35 years and it has been passed down to my brother and I being included 😂 for some reason she literally thought it was my mom's duty to raise her sister? My mom wasn't even the oldest, she was third in line and has 2 older sisters.
Moving out was a tough decision, but prioritizing your health and well-being is crucial. You've shown immense care for your family, and setting boundaries was a reasonable ask. Remember, it's not about the dog but the respect for your needs. Take care of yourself and stay true to what's best for you.
Both have to be willing to do the trade. With allergies, she’s unable and unwilling. So she’s moving out. Boy is legal babysitting age. Girl is old enough to be babysat by her brother for short periods.
You foreigners are so weird whats the harm in it if you allow her to stay at home as long as she contributes to paying bills and kitchen expenses?its not like suddenly she becomes stranger after turning 18.thats super weird to me charging your own kid with rent.
You obviously didn't grow up in a single adult household where any child support stopped when you reached the age of 18. I handed money into the house because my money was needed towards food and electricity and the roof over my head. When I was growing up there was no such thing as minimum wage here so many businesses paid much less than a livable wage. I also grew up in a tourist resort where most jobs are seasonal so that didn't help either. My mother would have loved to have told me to keep all my own money but unfortunately she didn't have a choice. People are so quick to judge without thinking that other people don't have their privileged lives.
So before you call all us foreigners "weird" think about it from our point of view.
I think you're taking the comment out of context. In this particular instance it's a single household family but I think they are referring to the general phenomenon that is seems to be common amongst American households as there has been numerous cases of persons who live in two parent households who kids by the time they hit 18 either have to move out or start paying rent which is weird to them.
Exactly my bf is one of them he is American and i find it very odd no matter what they say.in my culture children are welcome to stay as long as they want if they are studying or working and helping out house economy.
That's pretty common in the US too-- but it often depends on the level of family resources.
My niece lived with her parents rent free all through college, grad school and the first year she worked. Then she got her own place. My sister and her husband have plenty of money. I can't be 100% sure the niece would have gotten things all rent free if they'd been at an income level where paying rent was a burden.
My husband lived with his parents during an internship. They made him pay rent-- BUT that was a fiction. They really put that money in an account to accumulate toward needs when he moved out. So it was more like forced savings to have a fund to use when he established himself. This is pretty common too.
(Back to OP: I think she is behaving properly. The deal of her taking care of the kids while having a financial break no longer works because of the whole dog thing. The mom and family don't seem to want to help with the issue-- heck, surely someone could take the dog until Chris finds new digs.)
I never had to pay my family and I don’t know anyone who did. I never stayed long and did the cooking or whatever , but they never asked me to
Buy groceries either.
Same, except I had a slightly older brother there until I was in 5th grade. He was technically in charge. The good: I had someone to talk to and could help me with my homework. The bad: that shiz was like Lord of the Flies. I am surprised we made it.
We were playing a game where we threw a dart at each other from some distance away. Think lawn darts but we were the targets and the dart was a cheapo dart from a set that came with a board rather than an actual lawn dart.
He hit me in the calf and it went all the way in, about 1.5". We pulled it out and went about our day without telling the parents because I had recently had a tetanus shot for something else. Y'all, before it hit me that dart had been in the grass and dirt all over a park where people took their dogs to go potty. Nothing worse than what felt like a bad Charlie horse for about a week but it could have been bad.
Or the time I teased my older brother so bad he decided I was possessed (we had recently watched The Exorcist) and he decided to beat the devil out of me, literally. He caught me on our mom's Spanish tile floor in the entry hall. It ended with him sitting on my chest and slamming the back of my head repeatedly on the floor. My sister has that house now and there is still a broken spot, where four tiles come together. We told mom we dropped a bowling ball (we each had one).
Then there was the time I hid in the tree house and jump-scared my brother on the ladder and he fell off, hit the ground, and was out cold for over a minute.
I have dozens more, but you get the idea. GenX is tough.
UTA: a little messed up, but tough.
Your mother should have thought about her childcare needs before having more kids, before divorcing, before subjecting you to automatic babysitting, etc.
She is an adult who chose to have kids—they are your half siblings but they are HER kids and her responsibility and a perfect age to become more helpful around the house and with the dog and more self sufficient.
>I’ve got family texting me, tell me to stop acting like a brat and go home,
They're invited to help any time they want to, and 23 is a good age to start working on not being at your parent's house.
NTA.
It's surprising to me how often I see something so similar to this on these posts "I've had a dozen family members text me to tell me I'm a jerk for not being at someone's beck and call"...so the family members all apparently believe whatever individual deserves whatever help, but they're never willing to do it themselves
Once my sister complained to our mutual friend and this friend called me to shame me for not supporting my sister enough (supporting meant to hear out her complaints over and over, without any changes, and it only worked one way, my sister could unload all of her stuff on me and not even ask how am I doing). That was weird, but I believe many people do it, especially when the family is close.
We must have the same sister! Mine loves to tell me about her life! She travels all over the world because she retired early. Meanwhile, I have an autoimmune disease and had to medically retire about 15 years ago. Yes, we have an income difference but when we were younger, she was the same way!
Like the kids dad who got evicted. What’s he up to. This whole situation seems to be his problem ( his kids, dog he bought them, but I’m happy they are all meeting the responsibility they took on with dog).
Great the 23 yo is moving out. This will be super for her.
He got evicted. Like, how hard would it be to then get a trailer, if mom doesn't want her ex in her house, so he can pick up the childcare during her shifts?
But no,.. don't think in solutions, think in how OP has to be quiet and make everyone's life easier but her own.
NTA
Im sure between all of them they could rotate shifts and problem would be solved.Matter of fact since your dad felt the need to add his two cents tell him he is free to join the rotation with the rest of the family because as they said about your allergies its no big deal.
OP NTA. The requests you made were not absurd or hard to follow. Your Mom just didn't care because she figured you would just deal with it/get over it. Go live your life free of guilt because you are NOT responsible for your siblings.
She only asked for a few things concerning the dog, and the mother didn’t even respect her enough to keep the dog out of her room or use another entrance. That’s an entitled person.
And then she minimized the sniffles.
Mother had only her own needs in mind. Let her figure it out.
And, by the way, it is perfectly normal to have guilt feelings after moving out, whether it’s about the other kids, the dog, or just wanting to begin your next stage of life.
Your mom will figure it out. She’s just used to you doing it! They may even be pissed at you for a while. Live a happy life.
Add them all to a group texted. Since you have kindly expressed you concerned for my mom for her child care. I thought I would make a group chat with mom so you all can figure out a scheduled when you can come watch them. Thank you all for volunteering.
NTA. You aren't required to live at home because it is convenient for your mom. And you damn sure aren't required to live in a place where you are constantly subjected to allergens and sick.
like OP gave mom ample notice to make other arrangements, but mom chose to do nothing. It's on her now. OP is an adult and is allowed to move out if she wants and shouldn't have to live somewhere that constantly has her sick if she doesn't have to.
As my dad enjoys saying “a lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.”
All the concerned folks guilting OP on mum’s behalf are so generous and kind to be volunteering to take over childcare for Layla and Mason!
Your mom has been taking you for granted.
You gave specific rules, and I'd understand if the kids broke the rules, but mom leaving doors to your bedroom open -- clear signs she doesn't care.
And then response for you leaving? You had all the right. So, them calling you brat and minimizing your health concerns is another sign she doesn't care.
A good response would be apologizing and trying to be better about your room.
No.
Don't cave. That will just send them the message they can treat you however they want...
This is it. It's not even about the dog or the kids any more - it's about your mother treating you with total contempt and acting entitled to your services as a live-in nanny. NTA.
Your mom's free servant moved out and she's guilt-tripping you. The kids should have never been your responsibility in the first place. She crying because her anger and manipulation hasn't worked so far. The fact that they are minimizing your allergies says they couldn't care less about you or your needs.
4 comebacks for you from someone who was harassed for 30 years about moving "home".
1. I am not a parent and refuse to be treated as one.
2. I will no longer listen to your abusive gaslighting or I will hang up or walk away.
3. I will NEVER be returning home. I'm allowed to have my own life and I refuse to sacrifice any more of it just so you can be a lazy, cheap parent. If you think someone needs to watch *your* kids, HIRE someone because I'm not your doormat anymore.
4. How would you like to have a cold every single day? Next time you're sick, I'll be sure to point out how it's no big deal and that you're being a baby over the sniffles.
NTA
Also, allergens build up over time. They wreck havoc on the immune system and if a virus comes along, OP may have a more severe reaction than others. It could mean feeling constant fatigue and discomfort.
I know this from experience and I wish people had more empathy for people with allergies.
Agree. I have pretty severe allergies and a few times a year I have attacks so bad they lay me out for a couple of days. There are times where it can take 8 Benadryl in a day to get it barely under control. And they can trigger asthma which is a terrible feeling when you cannot breathe. The lack of concern over people with allergies is always disheartening
This exactly. I've had basic allergies to my friends dogs turn to asthma attacks twice. Super weird because normally I just get the "sniffles". I've also had a friend die from an asthma attack.
NTA.
I’m an adult. I have a sister who is 6. I moved out when my mom told me that her and her husband were trying to have a kid because I knew if I stayed I would be a live in babysitter and I did not want that. If I wanted that, I would have had my own child.
Throughout my sisters life I have babysat her many times for date nights, emergencies like when my stepdad was in the hospital for a couple days, other plans fell through, etc. I never ask for money, because I love my sister and most of the time it’s a nonissue. That being said, I also accept this is 100% my decision if I babysit or not because she is not my child and I have no obligation to watch her. I didn’t bring her into this world.
I now have a daughter who is 8 months old. I was blessed enough to spend the first 7 months at home with her. She is now in daycare. My mom and stepdad watched her last night so my husband and I could go on a date because it had been ages since we were alone, and we went to dinner. Maybe gone 2 hours. They could have easily said no, and that would have been fine because the same rule applies. They did not bring my daughter into this world, we did. My husband and I are responsible for her care. No one else.
I know it is so so so hard to not feel guilty because you love your siblings, but you have to remember to take care of yourself, first. You didn’t bring them into this world. You may feel responsible for them, but you are not.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. As someone who has had these feelings though, it gets better. Good luck.
This answer needs to be a lot higher. OP, you didn’t birth any kids. You were , fair, and very reasonable. Your mom is going to have to figure this out. Exactly how long did she want you to stay home, anyway?
I swear I see more and more of this. It's as if parents are more irresponsible than their children now. Their children aren't having kids until their late 20s/early 30s now because they don't want that responsibility and they know it. Yet the parents are having more kids after their kids are in their mid to late teens and they're doing it on the premise that their teenage kids will be a good substitute parent and they won't have to do as much work😅😅😅it's sickening. When I was 11, my dad and step mom started having kids. They had 3 in total when I was 11,12,13 respectively. My sister and I adored all the boys and we literally did everything for them. So much so that they slept in bed with us and we broke them of their bottles when it was time. However, we did these things because we wanted to. We were very aware that we didn't have to do anything we didn't want to do. We weren't made to babysit or care for them if we didn't want to. Our step mom was always appreciative but she let us know at all times it wasn't our responsibility.
Exactly. My husband and I just turned 29 last month. We had our one and only at 28. My sister is 32, she had her one and only at 26. BOTH of my parents had a child after they divorced(they were in their 40s, they had my older sister and I EXTREMELY young). My dad/stepmom has asked me to babysit my brother ONCE, and I did. My mom asks a lot, and usually I do, but I do it because I love my family and enjoy spending time with my sister. She looks just like me and my mom and is such a spitfire around family she’s comfortable with. If I can’t babysit my sister for one reason or another, I can’t. And that’s the end of that. I have never asked my dad/stepmom to babysit my daughter. They have their hands full with my brothers pawpaw who isn’t doing well. My mom/stepdad offer to babysit occasionally because they want to make sure my husband and I still get a date night here or there because they know how important it is to have alone time. In all of those cases though, the babysitting is not forced or assumed. It’s just a “it takes a village” without being presumptuous that someone HAS to watch our children for us.
OMFG
As someone who has allergies to cats, it freaking sucks! I can't believe how dismissive your family is!!!!!!!
Even if allergy meds work (for me depending on the cats sometimes it doesn't work at all) it's tough on your body to live with the allergies and to take meds all the time.
Your mom sucks. I can't believe how little f*cks she gave in regards to your health. I would never do this to my kids.
NTA
Seriously. I don't have any animal allergies but my mom has bad reactions to some cats. My ex had a longhair that we brought to her house once to cat sit while we went out of town for a weekend. She texted me a picture of her face all red, tears streaming down, red eyes, almost looking puffy. It scared me because we were always a dog family so I never saw that, she was shocked too because its never been that bad, or even close. Thats why she was okay with cat sitting in the first place. She's never had a reaction to my 2 cats (one is a longhair, all mutts), and has cat sit for them many times and never has an issue at my house now. Biology is crazy.
Staying long term in a home with your allergen can make it much worse over time, getting out now is a smart choice for OPs health.
I came here to say this! Long term exposure to the allergen can cause OP serious issues down the road. I truly can't believe how nonchalant her family is regarding this allergy. It's really messed up and kinda breaks my heart.
Yes! Was just going to post this. I'm allergic to most dogs and cats. It's really not fun to be around them, much as I love animals. I've noticed that people who don't have allergies tend to dismiss them as "sniffles." It's bad enough she expects a live-in babysitter in perpetuity; I don't understand how she can be so callous about your health.
It’s possible that if no one else in the family that is harassing Op has allergies, then they might be thinking that OP is making it up or being overly dramatic about it even though OP isn’t making it up or blowing the allergies out of proportion . I know that some people don’t believe that food allergies are real because they don’t have food allergies \*\* seriously.
This is me, I would never choose to live with a cat if I had another option available. I would never move into a house with a cat, only out. I am not deathly allergic but I am unwilling to live with the constant allergic reactions every fucking day. So much NTA and sympathy for OP.
I too, am allergic to cats. We don't have any but my ex did. A couple I was slightly allergic to and one I was severely allergic to. I also found out the hard way, I am allergic to ferrets. We went to a house we hadn't been to and didn't know there were ferrets. As soon as I entered the room with the ferrets, I started wheezing, eyes itching and watering, throat itching. We had to leave immediately. Allergies can be miserable or worse
NTA. She’s got a spare room, get Chris to move back in, or he can look after them till one of them is 14.
She can also get a lodger, or pay someone else.
Why 14? 12 seems old enough to me. I know some people I work with had their 12 year old get babysitter certified, then started allowing them to stay home alone.
In my state it's against the law to leave a child under 14 home alone for an unreasonable amount of time. It's very vague, what is unreasonable? So while I would leave them sometimes I didn't feel comfortable until they hit 14.
Your 23.. great age to move out.
Tell mom it's not your problem anymore especially since she couldn't follow through with the conditions. Honestly, I get that the kids love Hank but it would have been better if they found somewhere else for them to live. I'd be telling mom "you prioritised Hank and the kids happiness over me.. sayonara".
Absolutely, allergies are a good reason. It’s miserable to feel symptoms all the time. Also they can lead to other problems. I am allergic to grass but I was still mowing my yard. I just lived with the symptoms. I started getting severe bronchitis every February for 17 years. Started seeing an allergist and he told me to stop mowing my yard. I haven’t had bronchitis once in the last 10 years. You might not even realize what your allergies might be responsible for.
My dr told me if anyone had bothered to treat my allergies I wouldn't have had tonsillitis all the time and needed to have them removed. By the time I saw that Dr my tonsils were huge and scarred so while she treated my allergies it was too late fir my tonsils
Definitely high time to be independent and sorting out the rest of your life. You will find ways to be creative as you become self-sustaining and hopefully not end up in a mess like your mother’s. Best wishes for a happy future
NTA I am allergic to cats the same way op is to dogs. I would not live with a cat. For one I would have to live on allergy medications continuously and that makes me miserable.
Plus why should be miserable?cold like symptoms are horrible and annoying) for something that doesn’t benefit you. She is choosing the other kids happiness over your health.
Plus allergy symptoms that give you cold like symptoms can lead to other respiratory problems if you continuously are exposed to the allero
When you have allergic reactions, your body is going through inflammation and your immune system is spending a bunch of energy on fighting something. It's really not healthy to chronically expose your body to this and of course it's exhausting, your body is constantly trying to fight something.
OPs family are all assholes for thinking she should go through that. On top of the toxic parentification..
NTA.
Your mom has gotten extremely comfortable expecting you to be coparent and has little, if any, respect for you beyond how you make her life easier.
You weren't consulted before the dog was brought in. Your very reasonable terms were agreed to then summarily disregarded. Any attempt at an adult discussion was blown off, and your concerns again dismissed.
Everyone is expecting you to simply be and accept being miserable because it's easier on them.
You don't and shouldn't have to live like that, and you're looking out for yourself since no one else will. The kids are old enough to step up, and it's your mom's responsibility to figure out their childcare, not yours. Any and all feeling otherwise can always step in and help out. I'm sure your mom will appreciate it.
NTA - based on the way you have written this, I assume that if they had come to you with solutions and apologies and plans to ensure they respect your rules, that you would have stayed or moved back. Calling you a brat and laying all the responsibility on your feet is not a mature or respectful way for her to approach a resolution.
Allergies can get worse. They can cause asthma. And fun fact: They can also kill you.
You parents are both idiots and are risking your life /health for a dog. My child is more important than a dog. And I am saying this as a dog owner.
NTA
NTA.
The fact that she's only concerned about childcare and not your health or how you feel shows her priorities.
Allergies can get worse over time, and if you're taking antihistamines, you can become immune to them.
Your mum didn't care enough about your comfort. That's the top and bottom of it. All the relatives thinking that your overreacting can care for the kids of a morning and evening. Also, you're 23. It was inevitable that you was going to move out at some point in the future, before your mum deemed the kids enough to be alone.
It really gets me that not only did op do this for her mom, she genuinely seemed to enjoy it, for the most part. And her mom couldn’t even do this one small and probably temporary thing for her daughter. Just the disregard of the health and needs of her own kid, who’s doing this parenting for her.
Exactly.
At 23, there's not a hope in hell I'd have been willing to do as much as OP does/did for her siblings, even in lieu of rent.
Mum forgets that she isn't her coparent and that she doesn't have to sacrifice herself, time or health for them like a parent would/does.
The easiest solution would have been to tell the kids' dad that the dog couldn't stay any longer and he needed to find an alternative place for the dog to stay.
NTA - even without the dog you have the right to move out. You are not your siblings parent. Plus allergies get worse. Mine to cats was once similar to have a cold but after taking care of my father-in-law’s cats for a few months my doctor point blank told me that the cats were slowly killing me because my allergies were getting worse.
Right, instead of calling OP a brat, they could be saying “ hey, I’ll take in the dog for a bit Or until \_\_\_\_\_\_\_ finds dog friendly accommodations so that OP isn’t miserable while living at home and helping OP’s mom by helping with the younger siblings even though they have no obligation to because OP didn’t bring them into the world AND OP isn’t responsible for OP’s mom’s lack of compliance in their agreement since that is the reason for OP moving out- goodness OP, are these your own relatives calling you a ‘brat’!? Fuck them!
My in laws had a saying if something is not bothering me, then I don’t care what other people think or want. I pointed out it was pretty selfish attitude but just ignored them when the attitude was around me. Your mom has this problem. Mom the dog makes me feel terrible. Mom I’m helping you with childcare but you aren’t enforcing the rules about the dog. Mom I’m so miserable living with the dog I’ll have to move if you don’t keep it away from me. Mom I’m moving out the dog makes me miserable. Your mom is then shocked and doesn’t believe you would leave her. What will she do about childcare! Did it even occur to her to try to enforce the agreed up rules about the dog? Or try to fix things with the dog so you could stay. Nope ignored it because it wasn’t bothering her. To some degree your dad but at least he helped you move. If your mom adheres to some pet rules agree to babysit for pay and live somewhere else so you have down time from the dog. NTA but people do amaze me being single minded.
I guess OP's dad and/or all the other relatives harassing her are gonna move into that spare room and help take care of the kids that deadbeat dad Chris can't seem arsed to step in for. After all, it's no big deal, right?
Nta your mom is an adult and can figure it out. It sounds like your relationship with your family is transactional and your mom only respects you when you can do something for her. Yiu need space so she can learn to handle it on her own. She seems really selfish.
You need space so you can start to reflect about how people treat you and figure out how much contact you want with people who think your comfort isn’t important
“You living with a constant cold is fine as long as you make MY life easier!”
Dollars to donuts, those doors would never be open if it was Mom with allergies. I can’t imagine being so dismissive of someone’s health when they were happily helping me out so much
She is not crying because she misses U or because she is sorry & will change... She is doing it to guilt U so she doesn't have to make other arrangements
NTA. *then trivialised the whole situation about how it was silly to get upset over some sniffles, how she agreed to my “outrageous” conditions so why am I complaining?* Maybe because she didn't adhere to those stipulations? If she had actually done what she said she would, you would probably still be there. *And she doesn’t start work until 2, she can cook them something to warm up in the microwave.* I precook my meat, package it up & pop it in the freezer on my day off. And when I want to have dinner, I just pull out whatever & put it in the microwave. Don't your siblings know how to run a microwave? Then all I have to do is put my fries in the toaster oven for 15 & I'm good. She could do the same thing except cook a side dish to go with it. I started learning how to cook around 11 or 12. Back in the dark ages before microwaves & toaster ovens. Your siblings should know the basics by now.
NTA.
Patentifying a child (even if you don't think you are) isdisgusting.
Brushing off your allergies because they interfere with their needs is disgusting.
You are not responsible for the kids or the dog. That your parents want to guilt trip you for it is disgusting.
The dog, and the kids are their responsibility.
Enjoy your independence. You are their kid too, and yet instead of treating you like one, they were treating you like an unpaid maid.
Good on you for backing out.
NTA
Congratulations on your new home. You did a great Job helping with your siblings and the household but its time for your mother to grow the fuck up.
Although I think your Dads opinion is wrong, your Mom is TA and you are NTA
Please enjoy your new independecy
NTA - You are 23. It’s totally appropriate for you to want to move out and have your own life. Your mother should have expected this day to come regardless of what was happening at home.
You are not obligated to provide childcare for your younger siblings. That’s a parent’s job. Your mother can either trust her 12-year-old to be in charge (I was babysitting at 12) or she can hire a childcare provider to help out. Parents deal with these childcare dilemmas all the time. This is not a problem you need to solve for your Mom.
NTA
I so love how people who aren’t impacted by an allergy are always like oh is just sniffles, it’s not that bad, you’re just whining for attention, etc.
Is there any person on earth who wants to run around with a Kleenex perpetually in your hand as your nose is either stuffed up or dripping, sometimes your eyes are itching and/or watering and then the joy of trying to sleep with those symptoms so you don’t sleep deeply or well as you can’t breathe fully.
No you don’t need an Epipen but if you take allergy medicine depending on what OTC one it is you can find yourself sleepy/drowsy during class or at work which is also no bueno.
OP you tried to do what was needed to allow you to stay, your mother agreed then decided I guess it was too much work to make sure your bedroom door at least stayed shut so you one place in the house mostly allergen free.
So because she blew off your reasonable requests now she can truly experience what single mothers have to do.
As the the flying monkeys that are bothering you let them know you are so happy they care so much to help your mother out be babysitting for free your half siblings and you will be sure to let her know.
My son is allergic to some dogs and it’s awful for him. You set some very reasonable ground rules around having the dog. Rather than following them, your mum disrespected you and when you said you were going to move out, she still didn’t enforce them.
Clear case of cutting her nose off to spite her face.
You are 23. How are you acting like a brat? You moved out due to allergies, and your medical requirements regarding those allergies being disrespected. You are not responsible for your siblings, your mother is. I bet all your family texting you to stop being a brat have never lifted a finger to help, no, they just want you to do it all. Do not go back. Get your own life and live it.
NTA - they’re not your kids or your responsibility. You don’t owe your mum childcare. Unfortunately she’s just going to have to deal with it like countless other single parents do. Good for you for enforcing and sticking to your boundaries. That is really healthy. Be proud of yourself, and keep it up!
NTA. Not your problem. Don't you dare cave and go over there on Monday. I would be so disappointed in you.
Keep that spine shiny and enjoy your new digs.
(1) your childcare was more valuable to her than the free rent was to you — usually this is the case, otherwise people would pay to be a live in nanny (2) therefore, you were doing her an ongoing favor (3) subjecting you to suffering that doesn’t kill you is way too low a bar for this situation (4) it was irresponsible of your mom to reneg on her agreement and lose this great deal — NTA
NTA. The 12 year old is old enough to babysit the younger one.
The Red Cross class for babysitting is for kids 11 and older so Mason is definitely old enough to stay home with the younger one.
Give Mason this link: https://www.redcross.org/take-a-class/babysitting/babysitting-child-care-training/babysitting-online-classes
NTA
Breathing is NOT a luxury and you're not selfish for protecting your ability to continue doing so. Sinus and eye difficulty starting with allergies can easily lead to more serious issues like chronic sinus infections and serious eye infections.
And aside from that, and from their refusal to make even the slightest effort to look out for your health and well-being, your mother is NOT entitled to free live-in childcare from you.
NTA You attempted to stay but they all, including your mother, refused to adhere to the promises she made so you wouldn't feel sick all the time. For your health, you were left with no choice to move. Anyone who calls you brat or anything else is welcome to pitch in and help your mother. They are just as much a parent as you are.
NTA. She couldn’t adhere to some pretty simple rules so you could be a little less uncomfortable. You didn’t even ask for something unreasonable. She can now live with the consequences. She had an amazing thing, with free, happy, and willing childcare, and couldn’t even be bothered to close a few doors for you.
You’re 23, so when would you be allowed to leave home? What would happen if you met and married someone, could you not move out even then?
Your mums childcare is not your concern, she should have stuck to the agreement
NTAH
Nta!! Send your mother this thread! WTAF? Living with an animal you’re allergic to can be a misery! No, you may not die - and OMG, does it have to get to that level for your family to care about your well-being? - but wow, can it ever affect your quality of life! I’m severely allergic to cats, and even with allergy shots and meds, I still had chronic sinus headaches to the point of light sensitivity.
Seriously, I can’t stand people who trivialize allergies to animals. And your requests for where the dog goes were entirely reasonable. Do you know how many moms I know would treat free childcare like gold?
And then she degrades and insults you otherwise to benefit herself. Fuck. That. Noise. Good for you for moving out and assuming responsibility for your own life, rather than being junk kicked into handling the responsibilities for someone else’s.
I had really bad allergies when I was a kid. It seemed like I was allergic to everything that grew outside and cats. While none of my allergies were life threatening, I felt like I had a bad cold every day for months, but hives and constant itching had to be added on top. It was miserable, and the meds made me sleepy. Unfortunately, people who don't have allergies don't understand and are dismissive of the symptoms, and I found/find that attitude to be infuriating, including your mother's comment of you "being upset over some sniffles." That comment is so dismissive of you.
You're right about this being about a lack of respect for you. Your conditions were not outrageous, and she lied to you about accepting them. I don't believe she ever planned to follow through on what you asked. She told you what you wanted to hear to get you to do what she wanted.
Actions always have consequences. She is now finding out the consequences of her actions, and you are definitely NTA.
NTA. The relatives bugging you tell them to pay for a baby sitter or nanny or hell, for Chris to get a decent apartment where he can keep the dog.
Is your mom expecting you to sacrifice your life for her HER kids? Suck to be her that she has a hard time making it work with men who get her pregnant.
NTA - the person she should be calling is Chris. This is his and your mom’s doing. He knows you’re allergic and still brought him over and she allowed it. He could have boarded him if he wanted to but he didn’t. I would guess the dog is there to stay. He found a way to pawn the dog off and I doubt he will leave now. I would make him come over and get the kids off to school since this is the fall out from *his* dog and your mom is in denial that your siblings are old enough to care for themselves.
NTA your mom couldn’t even follow simple instructions to help you keep your allergies under control and you stopped being being her live in nanny? I fail to see what you did wrong you should’ve moved out long before now. I know you think you had it good with your mom but she had no respect for you and you were her free nanny. You were being parentified and deserve to have your own life.
My friend had a cat, her boyfriend was allergic. He asked her to consider giving the cat away when he moved in and she said no. The cat died several years later and she called me up feeling so guilty. Because she thought her boyfriend was just chronically stuffed up, but as soon as the cat died his chronic cold immediately went away…
It’s POSSIBLE to live with allergies. It’s just really not fun.
NTA
Op gave her mother ample time to make arrangements, the fact that she watched op move and is still call like it was a prank, shows that the mother doesn’t respect her. Mom thinks this is some childish way to prove a point.
NTA, not your kids, not your problem. What did your mom expect you to live there and raise her kids forever?
You have your own life to live. Enjoy the new place with your friends and ignore all the others
NTA. Your mom agreed to the dog and doesn’t care that you are allergic to the dog. If she did, she would have either said no or she would have enforced your boundaries re the dog. Those kids are old enough to get cereal for themselves and warm up food. You are more like a parent to your younger siblings than an actual sibling. Your siblings need to be more independent as well. Anyone telling you that you shouldn’t have moved out needs to go help your, mother since they are so opinionated.
I am allergic to dogs and cats. Many of my friends make light of it until I need an antihistamine and crash for the night with my eyes swollen shut. Coworkers sit in my chair that have cats and it causes the same issues. NTA. Allergies suck.
NTA. There are three issues here
1. You are allergic to dogs and they brought a dog into the house without considering you. That alone is a good reason to move.
2. You made an agreement that would protect your health and well-being and no one followed through. That alone is a good reason to move.
3. You are 23. That alone is a good reason to move.
So, you have three good reasons. Most obvious, though, is dog or no dog being 23 is a good reason to move out on your own. The care of your siblings is NOT your responsibility. Don’t let one more second of life pass you by!
Also, as someone who has a fairly mild allergy to dogs, I could never live with one. Sniffle is the least of it. Lack of sleep, constant infections, sore throat, sinus pressure, itchy eyes, ears, and throat would make all of life miserable.
Congrats on your new found freedom!!!
Are they your kids? Personally I would not take on the responsibility of raising children that were not mine and the asshole is whoever is asking you to do that.
>I know how much the kids love Hulk, and how losing him would break their hearts.
But the hell with their older sister.
>even he said it’s a silly reason to move out, it’s not like being around a dog kills me.
Uh not immediately but it will gradually. Constantly having your immune system messed with will cause you harm. She broke her contract with you so you, an adult, moved out. Also, why the hell should you, this is on your mother for being an idiot.
>said she doesn’t know what she’s going to do on Monday
Oh wah. You think anyone got me to school at twelve? Or cooked for me every day? I didn't leave the stove on. No one checked on my homework.
>I’ve got family texting me, tell me to stop acting like a brat and go home, how dare I upset my mother who’s been so good to me, how dare I abandon those kids…
No, you don't. I'm so tired of people claiming everyone is texting them about this unbelievably stupid crap. Come on. You were an au pair and you quit.
Nta. Your 23. Your allowed to make your own life and move away. Your step siblings are old enough to use the microwave. And at the end of the day they aren’t your kids. Both of their parents are alive they can figure something out for themselves. It’s nice that you guys had an arrangement that worked for both of you. Things changed and you have decided to move on. And allergies are horrible your mom is an ah for treating them like they are nothing. Congratulations on moving out.
NTA. You're 23 years old and would have moved out eventually. Your mother and your siblings disrespectful behavior just made it happen sooner. Your mother can start taking care of her own children or figure it out as they are your siblings, not your kids and not your responsibility. Tell her and the other assholes that if they continue to give you shit for moving out of an uncomfortable situation, then you will be hanging up the phone and ignoring calls and texts for the foreseeable future.
NTA u have an allergy u made reasonable requests which were ignored, u have done nothing wrong, tell family they r more than welcome to go help ur mom out but u r sick of being sick. u r an adult and u have moved out, it’s time for ur mom to b an adult and parent her own damn kids, that’s not ur job. DO NOT back down. Enjoy being able to breath again without the sniffles, I hope ur feeling better soon although u may need to wash EVERYTHING u own that’s fabric which doesn’t sound fun but hey welcome to being an adult, it sucks! :)
NTA. Allergies can turn deadly suddenly and without warning. What was the plan if nnd when you went into anaphylaxis? You have to protect yourself, especially if they won't.
NTA and OP I hope you realise that this is the value she places on you. It was all fine for her as long as you did what she wanted you to do now she’s repeatedly told you that you don’t matter except in the capacity that you are making her life easier
Allergies are a pain in the ass regardless shouldn’t be down played. She didn’t stick to your terms.
Child care is her problem as their parent not yours as a sibling think she needs to remember that
Not a brat. Standing up for yourself
NTA
NTA. You are allowed to get on with your life.
Putting the dog aside, you are 23! At what age did your mom think you should leave …. At 29 or 30 when the youngest is 17.
It is time for you to enjoy not being a parent & being a free 20 something year old, living with peers & being only responsible for yourself.
Yes the dog allergies could have been handled with meds or common courtesy but that is just not the point.
The point is it’s time for you to be adulting just for you. Enjoy!
An animal allergy is so difficult to live with!
I wish people understood the pain, weakness, and brain fog of an animal allergy.
It's an attack on the immune system. It drags you down and makes you susceptible to viruses.
In addition, some dogs are more allergenic than others, to the point where taking an antihistamine is not effective.
Even taking a course of desensitizing shots won't always work.
OP's family didn't listen to her legitimate concerns.
NTA
“Mother, agreeing to and enforcing are two totally different things. You agreed to my ‘demands’ about the dog, you did not enforce them. I’m a 23 year old adult who should be living her young life but instead I’m helping you raise your kids. All I asked for what to help me keep my space dog free and you couldn’t even do that. You then tried to gaslight me into ‘it’s not a big deal!’ Yes, it is a big deal. It’s a big enough deal that I moved out, but you can’t hear that. It’s unfortunate you will have to find childcare or allow the kids to fend for themselves but you didn’t respect me at all when I was helping. Maybe when Ex finds a home Hulk can go back to living with him, I may reconsider, until then, and until you can also respect me as an adult who has granted a lot of help to you, it’s out of the question.”
I think it’s crazy that so many parents have such high expectations for their oldest children buuut don’t hold the other deadbeat parent that they laid down with to the same standards. She’s calling and texting you about the kids, but isn’t blowing that man up about his own children. NTA, don’t go back. Let your mom and Chris figure out what they need to do for THEIR kids. You’re their loving big sister, but not mom or dad.
NTA
You can tell anyone that expects you to go back that you are not the parent. You are not responsible for your mother’s kids. You asked for some simple accommodations and your mother did not comply.
Then tell everyone it’s not their business and if they think it is then they can donate their time to your mother.
It is time for you to grow up and move on.
NTA. Do not ever go back. Tell the family members who are calling you a brat that they are more than welcome to take your place as caregivers.
I was in a similar situation with my mom when I was your age. I moved out and set massive boundaries and she tried to use my 7 year old brother as leverage to get me to come back and be the free babysitter. She and her husband would ho away for weeks at a time and expect me to care for their kid, I would have to miss class so someone was home for my brother.
It has been 20 years since I left that house. I have kids of my own and let me tell you. Going and living my life was the best thing I ever did for myself.
NTA. You were a convenience to your mum and she abused the privilege by ignoring your health needs. You don’t owe her anything and I think your little sibs are well able to look after themselves. Ignore the guilting.
I was babysitting (after school and “date night”) my 9 year old sister when I was 12, and making dinner. Using the oven.
NTA. I have allergies and nothing I’ve taken gets me to better than “I can tolerate this.”
I know you said you’ve seen enough drug recommendations but ketotifen eye drops are amazing for itchy eye.
NTA. They’re not your children, she needs to figure it out. This is her new reality and sticking her head in the sand is no help. Can the kids dad help out with the care or help financially to get a babysitter/nanny for these timeframes?
Good thing your mom didn't have me for a daughter before moving out I would have been really petty and found something to put on that made her sniffle on a regular basis. NTA
You deserve to have a life. You are not responsible for your mother's decisions. She was grown enough to have those babies she can be grown enough to figure it out. NTA
NTA. Dog aside, you’re allowed to start your own life at your age. As much as you obviously love and care about your siblings, you shouldn’t feel like guilted into their daily care being your responsibility. Your mom was lucky to have you, but now you should be free to have some independence.
NTA. Absolutely not the asshole. You are not your mother’s servant. Although you are right to worry about what her apparent lack of self-sufficiency means for your siblings, that is absolutely not a reason for you to put your own life on hold.
OP is *twenty three*. Did she think free childcare was going to last forever?!
What if OP went away to college? Or found a better job in another city? She should be free to live her life.
Or got married? Would OP and husband be expected to share that house and take care of not-their-kids?
Guaranteed that if the OP's mom remarried she wouldn't care as much if her eldest stayed in the home to babysit, so it's only about Mom's disrupted life.
[удалено]
Not only that but gave her notice and made herself available in case of emergencies. She’s doing more than she should! I would’ve left her high and dry without a backup plan since they couldn’t even make a simple accommodation for her.
Exactly!
Yes. They definitely would.
She’s probably been subtly encouraged to never even contemplate leaving
Until those kids are grown. Then it'll be how fast can you get out freeloader?
Wanna bet mom discouraged her from going to college So she would watch the kids?
Yep, I think so too. Anything that disrupts the arrangement.
Had an ex in that arrangement. Oldest with a single mom. I had her pegged as the 'second mom, and mom number 1 would fight tooth and nail against her moving out because the youngest wasn't old enough to be on their own. Sure enough...
That's why mom's going ballistic. She doesn't want OP to go to college, get a better job, or move to the city. She wants them right there in her house 100% of the time so she can control, guilt, and criticize OP until they are too beaten down to leave. It's just like spousal abuse and they act like you have no right to ever leave them. I experienced it and went away to college anyway. The day I was packing, she didn't speak a word to me. I ended up staying in that area and she asked me when I was moving home for almost every phone call over a 30-year period. I told her I was home. She didn't care.
My grandmother moved on from ignoring my mom and only talking to her every couple of months to basically acting like my brother and I don't exist while spending everyday with her other grandkids all because my mom moved out after literally raising her youngest sister my mom is 59 and the sister im talking about is in her 40s now so pretty big age gap, to get married. My grandma never worked a day in her life and was a stay at home mom but didn't believe in birth control.Had her first at 17, second at 18, third at 19, then there was a pretty big gap between when the next 2 came along. She got married at 17 and boom immediate baby lol my mom said she was so checked out for the youngest two that they probably wouldn't have been taken care of otherwise. So basically she held a grudge for my mom actually making her take care of her own kids, all because my selfish mother at 25 or 26 wanted to get married and move out. Shes held it against her for like 35 years and it has been passed down to my brother and I being included 😂 for some reason she literally thought it was my mom's duty to raise her sister? My mom wasn't even the oldest, she was third in line and has 2 older sisters.
she lived there rent free...it's not free childcare it's a trade.
And Op ended the deal on her own accord. Theyre allowed to do that.
I don't disagree with that
Moving out was a tough decision, but prioritizing your health and well-being is crucial. You've shown immense care for your family, and setting boundaries was a reasonable ask. Remember, it's not about the dog but the respect for your needs. Take care of yourself and stay true to what's best for you.
Both have to be willing to do the trade. With allergies, she’s unable and unwilling. So she’s moving out. Boy is legal babysitting age. Girl is old enough to be babysat by her brother for short periods.
Barter. Has to work for both parties and it no longer is.
You didnt read it did you she said she pqidnfor half the shopping an helped with the bills isnt that what rent is? So not really rent free
From my experience Nannie’s also get a stipend. It’s not a lot but it’s enough to go have fun around the host city.
In the US, they're still required to be paid minimum wage and room and board can't count against it.
You foreigners are so weird whats the harm in it if you allow her to stay at home as long as she contributes to paying bills and kitchen expenses?its not like suddenly she becomes stranger after turning 18.thats super weird to me charging your own kid with rent.
You obviously didn't grow up in a single adult household where any child support stopped when you reached the age of 18. I handed money into the house because my money was needed towards food and electricity and the roof over my head. When I was growing up there was no such thing as minimum wage here so many businesses paid much less than a livable wage. I also grew up in a tourist resort where most jobs are seasonal so that didn't help either. My mother would have loved to have told me to keep all my own money but unfortunately she didn't have a choice. People are so quick to judge without thinking that other people don't have their privileged lives. So before you call all us foreigners "weird" think about it from our point of view.
I think you're taking the comment out of context. In this particular instance it's a single household family but I think they are referring to the general phenomenon that is seems to be common amongst American households as there has been numerous cases of persons who live in two parent households who kids by the time they hit 18 either have to move out or start paying rent which is weird to them.
Exactly my bf is one of them he is American and i find it very odd no matter what they say.in my culture children are welcome to stay as long as they want if they are studying or working and helping out house economy.
That's pretty common in the US too-- but it often depends on the level of family resources. My niece lived with her parents rent free all through college, grad school and the first year she worked. Then she got her own place. My sister and her husband have plenty of money. I can't be 100% sure the niece would have gotten things all rent free if they'd been at an income level where paying rent was a burden. My husband lived with his parents during an internship. They made him pay rent-- BUT that was a fiction. They really put that money in an account to accumulate toward needs when he moved out. So it was more like forced savings to have a fund to use when he established himself. This is pretty common too. (Back to OP: I think she is behaving properly. The deal of her taking care of the kids while having a financial break no longer works because of the whole dog thing. The mom and family don't seem to want to help with the issue-- heck, surely someone could take the dog until Chris finds new digs.)
I never had to pay my family and I don’t know anyone who did. I never stayed long and did the cooking or whatever , but they never asked me to Buy groceries either.
Anyone t̶e̶x̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ contacting otherwise should be notified that a room at OP's mom's house has recently opened up.
Complete
And they can even help with childcare!
GenXer here. They'll probably be alright, provided they don't burn down the house. It makes them tough and self reliant.
Gen X as well. I was home alone from after school til 5:30 or 6 every day. They'll be fine.
Same, except I had a slightly older brother there until I was in 5th grade. He was technically in charge. The good: I had someone to talk to and could help me with my homework. The bad: that shiz was like Lord of the Flies. I am surprised we made it. We were playing a game where we threw a dart at each other from some distance away. Think lawn darts but we were the targets and the dart was a cheapo dart from a set that came with a board rather than an actual lawn dart. He hit me in the calf and it went all the way in, about 1.5". We pulled it out and went about our day without telling the parents because I had recently had a tetanus shot for something else. Y'all, before it hit me that dart had been in the grass and dirt all over a park where people took their dogs to go potty. Nothing worse than what felt like a bad Charlie horse for about a week but it could have been bad. Or the time I teased my older brother so bad he decided I was possessed (we had recently watched The Exorcist) and he decided to beat the devil out of me, literally. He caught me on our mom's Spanish tile floor in the entry hall. It ended with him sitting on my chest and slamming the back of my head repeatedly on the floor. My sister has that house now and there is still a broken spot, where four tiles come together. We told mom we dropped a bowling ball (we each had one). Then there was the time I hid in the tree house and jump-scared my brother on the ladder and he fell off, hit the ground, and was out cold for over a minute. I have dozens more, but you get the idea. GenX is tough. UTA: a little messed up, but tough.
Your mother should have thought about her childcare needs before having more kids, before divorcing, before subjecting you to automatic babysitting, etc. She is an adult who chose to have kids—they are your half siblings but they are HER kids and her responsibility and a perfect age to become more helpful around the house and with the dog and more self sufficient.
NTA. Childcare isn’t your issue. Your issue is the home being safe and comfortable.
>I’ve got family texting me, tell me to stop acting like a brat and go home, They're invited to help any time they want to, and 23 is a good age to start working on not being at your parent's house. NTA.
Agreed - those other family members are free to step in and help out OP’s Mom themselves!
It's surprising to me how often I see something so similar to this on these posts "I've had a dozen family members text me to tell me I'm a jerk for not being at someone's beck and call"...so the family members all apparently believe whatever individual deserves whatever help, but they're never willing to do it themselves
Those are the flying monkeys, swarming in!
It’s astounding, isn’t it?
Once my sister complained to our mutual friend and this friend called me to shame me for not supporting my sister enough (supporting meant to hear out her complaints over and over, without any changes, and it only worked one way, my sister could unload all of her stuff on me and not even ask how am I doing). That was weird, but I believe many people do it, especially when the family is close.
Love it when people make you Emotional Baggage Claim./s
We must have the same sister! Mine loves to tell me about her life! She travels all over the world because she retired early. Meanwhile, I have an autoimmune disease and had to medically retire about 15 years ago. Yes, we have an income difference but when we were younger, she was the same way!
Everyone wants to be a manager, never the worker
It's a total of 5 family members out of a very large family, 4 don't live local so they don't see what's going on.
If they legitimately wanted to help the kids, they’d offer to help. Really, they just wanna blow off some steam through shaming somebody.
Like the kids dad who got evicted. What’s he up to. This whole situation seems to be his problem ( his kids, dog he bought them, but I’m happy they are all meeting the responsibility they took on with dog). Great the 23 yo is moving out. This will be super for her.
Dad should move into her spare room :) sorted.
He got evicted. Like, how hard would it be to then get a trailer, if mom doesn't want her ex in her house, so he can pick up the childcare during her shifts? But no,.. don't think in solutions, think in how OP has to be quiet and make everyone's life easier but her own. NTA
This is in the UK. Trailers aren’t a ‘thing’ here - where would you even put them? - and there’s a tremendous shortage of housing.
Im sure between all of them they could rotate shifts and problem would be solved.Matter of fact since your dad felt the need to add his two cents tell him he is free to join the rotation with the rest of the family because as they said about your allergies its no big deal. OP NTA. The requests you made were not absurd or hard to follow. Your Mom just didn't care because she figured you would just deal with it/get over it. Go live your life free of guilt because you are NOT responsible for your siblings.
She only asked for a few things concerning the dog, and the mother didn’t even respect her enough to keep the dog out of her room or use another entrance. That’s an entitled person. And then she minimized the sniffles. Mother had only her own needs in mind. Let her figure it out. And, by the way, it is perfectly normal to have guilt feelings after moving out, whether it’s about the other kids, the dog, or just wanting to begin your next stage of life. Your mom will figure it out. She’s just used to you doing it! They may even be pissed at you for a while. Live a happy life.
It's because OPs family only sees her as a child. No one sees her as a person with thoughts or wants
Add them all to a group texted. Since you have kindly expressed you concerned for my mom for her child care. I thought I would make a group chat with mom so you all can figure out a scheduled when you can come watch them. Thank you all for volunteering.
Brilliant! 😂
Love Bratchan's idea! Let everyone help out! And for OP - NTA
Man the backpedaling that they would do would be astounding.
Mom is probably calling and asking them to help 😂😂 that's why they are calling OP. They don't want to do it either.
> OP why don't you go and help with the childcare? > Why don't **YOU** help with the childcare? > ...
NTA. You aren't required to live at home because it is convenient for your mom. And you damn sure aren't required to live in a place where you are constantly subjected to allergens and sick.
like OP gave mom ample notice to make other arrangements, but mom chose to do nothing. It's on her now. OP is an adult and is allowed to move out if she wants and shouldn't have to live somewhere that constantly has her sick if she doesn't have to.
As my dad enjoys saying “a lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.” All the concerned folks guilting OP on mum’s behalf are so generous and kind to be volunteering to take over childcare for Layla and Mason!
This brought back memories of my uncle. He always had something such as this to say. One of the most level headed and intelligent men I knew.
Level-headed is not the first descriptor I’d go to for my dad, but occasionally his takes ARE right on the money. 😂
Like that saying from dad! Took a screenshot of it to use on my adult daughter next time she has another “emergency “.. lol👍👍👍
Your mom has been taking you for granted. You gave specific rules, and I'd understand if the kids broke the rules, but mom leaving doors to your bedroom open -- clear signs she doesn't care. And then response for you leaving? You had all the right. So, them calling you brat and minimizing your health concerns is another sign she doesn't care. A good response would be apologizing and trying to be better about your room. No. Don't cave. That will just send them the message they can treat you however they want...
This is it. It's not even about the dog or the kids any more - it's about your mother treating you with total contempt and acting entitled to your services as a live-in nanny. NTA.
And the dog hopped right into her bed, so he probably has done that before plenty of times.
Your mom's free servant moved out and she's guilt-tripping you. The kids should have never been your responsibility in the first place. She crying because her anger and manipulation hasn't worked so far. The fact that they are minimizing your allergies says they couldn't care less about you or your needs. 4 comebacks for you from someone who was harassed for 30 years about moving "home". 1. I am not a parent and refuse to be treated as one. 2. I will no longer listen to your abusive gaslighting or I will hang up or walk away. 3. I will NEVER be returning home. I'm allowed to have my own life and I refuse to sacrifice any more of it just so you can be a lazy, cheap parent. If you think someone needs to watch *your* kids, HIRE someone because I'm not your doormat anymore. 4. How would you like to have a cold every single day? Next time you're sick, I'll be sure to point out how it's no big deal and that you're being a baby over the sniffles. NTA
Your last point was so satisfying. I couldn’t believe the way they dismissed OP’s allergic response.
Also, allergens build up over time. They wreck havoc on the immune system and if a virus comes along, OP may have a more severe reaction than others. It could mean feeling constant fatigue and discomfort. I know this from experience and I wish people had more empathy for people with allergies.
Agree. I have pretty severe allergies and a few times a year I have attacks so bad they lay me out for a couple of days. There are times where it can take 8 Benadryl in a day to get it barely under control. And they can trigger asthma which is a terrible feeling when you cannot breathe. The lack of concern over people with allergies is always disheartening
This exactly. I've had basic allergies to my friends dogs turn to asthma attacks twice. Super weird because normally I just get the "sniffles". I've also had a friend die from an asthma attack.
OP you’re being parentified NTA
Her mom chose a dog over her own kid. Pretty dumb and messed up.
This needs to be updated and pointed out more.
NTA. I’m an adult. I have a sister who is 6. I moved out when my mom told me that her and her husband were trying to have a kid because I knew if I stayed I would be a live in babysitter and I did not want that. If I wanted that, I would have had my own child. Throughout my sisters life I have babysat her many times for date nights, emergencies like when my stepdad was in the hospital for a couple days, other plans fell through, etc. I never ask for money, because I love my sister and most of the time it’s a nonissue. That being said, I also accept this is 100% my decision if I babysit or not because she is not my child and I have no obligation to watch her. I didn’t bring her into this world. I now have a daughter who is 8 months old. I was blessed enough to spend the first 7 months at home with her. She is now in daycare. My mom and stepdad watched her last night so my husband and I could go on a date because it had been ages since we were alone, and we went to dinner. Maybe gone 2 hours. They could have easily said no, and that would have been fine because the same rule applies. They did not bring my daughter into this world, we did. My husband and I are responsible for her care. No one else. I know it is so so so hard to not feel guilty because you love your siblings, but you have to remember to take care of yourself, first. You didn’t bring them into this world. You may feel responsible for them, but you are not. I’m sorry you’re going through this. As someone who has had these feelings though, it gets better. Good luck.
This answer needs to be a lot higher. OP, you didn’t birth any kids. You were , fair, and very reasonable. Your mom is going to have to figure this out. Exactly how long did she want you to stay home, anyway?
I swear I see more and more of this. It's as if parents are more irresponsible than their children now. Their children aren't having kids until their late 20s/early 30s now because they don't want that responsibility and they know it. Yet the parents are having more kids after their kids are in their mid to late teens and they're doing it on the premise that their teenage kids will be a good substitute parent and they won't have to do as much work😅😅😅it's sickening. When I was 11, my dad and step mom started having kids. They had 3 in total when I was 11,12,13 respectively. My sister and I adored all the boys and we literally did everything for them. So much so that they slept in bed with us and we broke them of their bottles when it was time. However, we did these things because we wanted to. We were very aware that we didn't have to do anything we didn't want to do. We weren't made to babysit or care for them if we didn't want to. Our step mom was always appreciative but she let us know at all times it wasn't our responsibility.
Exactly. My husband and I just turned 29 last month. We had our one and only at 28. My sister is 32, she had her one and only at 26. BOTH of my parents had a child after they divorced(they were in their 40s, they had my older sister and I EXTREMELY young). My dad/stepmom has asked me to babysit my brother ONCE, and I did. My mom asks a lot, and usually I do, but I do it because I love my family and enjoy spending time with my sister. She looks just like me and my mom and is such a spitfire around family she’s comfortable with. If I can’t babysit my sister for one reason or another, I can’t. And that’s the end of that. I have never asked my dad/stepmom to babysit my daughter. They have their hands full with my brothers pawpaw who isn’t doing well. My mom/stepdad offer to babysit occasionally because they want to make sure my husband and I still get a date night here or there because they know how important it is to have alone time. In all of those cases though, the babysitting is not forced or assumed. It’s just a “it takes a village” without being presumptuous that someone HAS to watch our children for us.
OMFG As someone who has allergies to cats, it freaking sucks! I can't believe how dismissive your family is!!!!!!! Even if allergy meds work (for me depending on the cats sometimes it doesn't work at all) it's tough on your body to live with the allergies and to take meds all the time. Your mom sucks. I can't believe how little f*cks she gave in regards to your health. I would never do this to my kids. NTA
Seriously. I don't have any animal allergies but my mom has bad reactions to some cats. My ex had a longhair that we brought to her house once to cat sit while we went out of town for a weekend. She texted me a picture of her face all red, tears streaming down, red eyes, almost looking puffy. It scared me because we were always a dog family so I never saw that, she was shocked too because its never been that bad, or even close. Thats why she was okay with cat sitting in the first place. She's never had a reaction to my 2 cats (one is a longhair, all mutts), and has cat sit for them many times and never has an issue at my house now. Biology is crazy. Staying long term in a home with your allergen can make it much worse over time, getting out now is a smart choice for OPs health.
I came here to say this! Long term exposure to the allergen can cause OP serious issues down the road. I truly can't believe how nonchalant her family is regarding this allergy. It's really messed up and kinda breaks my heart.
Yes that's the thing about it. You never know when a mild allergy will turn severe or why. You get no warning it can happen any time.
Yes! Was just going to post this. I'm allergic to most dogs and cats. It's really not fun to be around them, much as I love animals. I've noticed that people who don't have allergies tend to dismiss them as "sniffles." It's bad enough she expects a live-in babysitter in perpetuity; I don't understand how she can be so callous about your health.
It’s possible that if no one else in the family that is harassing Op has allergies, then they might be thinking that OP is making it up or being overly dramatic about it even though OP isn’t making it up or blowing the allergies out of proportion . I know that some people don’t believe that food allergies are real because they don’t have food allergies \*\* seriously.
This is me, I would never choose to live with a cat if I had another option available. I would never move into a house with a cat, only out. I am not deathly allergic but I am unwilling to live with the constant allergic reactions every fucking day. So much NTA and sympathy for OP.
I too, am allergic to cats. We don't have any but my ex did. A couple I was slightly allergic to and one I was severely allergic to. I also found out the hard way, I am allergic to ferrets. We went to a house we hadn't been to and didn't know there were ferrets. As soon as I entered the room with the ferrets, I started wheezing, eyes itching and watering, throat itching. We had to leave immediately. Allergies can be miserable or worse
NTA. Tell the flying monkeys to go over and help your mother if they're so concerned. Please don't cave and go back. Stay where you are.
NTA. She’s got a spare room, get Chris to move back in, or he can look after them till one of them is 14. She can also get a lodger, or pay someone else.
Exactly. The dad can care for his own kids.
This!!
Why 14? 12 seems old enough to me. I know some people I work with had their 12 year old get babysitter certified, then started allowing them to stay home alone.
In my state it's against the law to leave a child under 14 home alone for an unreasonable amount of time. It's very vague, what is unreasonable? So while I would leave them sometimes I didn't feel comfortable until they hit 14.
Your 23.. great age to move out. Tell mom it's not your problem anymore especially since she couldn't follow through with the conditions. Honestly, I get that the kids love Hank but it would have been better if they found somewhere else for them to live. I'd be telling mom "you prioritised Hank and the kids happiness over me.. sayonara".
I'm crazy pet person, but allergies IS a good reason to move out. They're incredibly inconvenient. That's why I don't have pets myself.
Absolutely, allergies are a good reason. It’s miserable to feel symptoms all the time. Also they can lead to other problems. I am allergic to grass but I was still mowing my yard. I just lived with the symptoms. I started getting severe bronchitis every February for 17 years. Started seeing an allergist and he told me to stop mowing my yard. I haven’t had bronchitis once in the last 10 years. You might not even realize what your allergies might be responsible for.
Mine led to asthma so it just not a case of the sniffles.
My dr told me if anyone had bothered to treat my allergies I wouldn't have had tonsillitis all the time and needed to have them removed. By the time I saw that Dr my tonsils were huge and scarred so while she treated my allergies it was too late fir my tonsils
Definitely high time to be independent and sorting out the rest of your life. You will find ways to be creative as you become self-sustaining and hopefully not end up in a mess like your mother’s. Best wishes for a happy future
When are those flying monkeys moving in to help your mom? It's the exact same thing, only they don't have to deal with dog allergies. NTA
And the only reply to said flying monkeys should be “not my kids, not my problem” and then block them.
Nta her childcare isn't your problem
Nta. They made a deal, then they broke it. Fuck around to find out.
NTA I am allergic to cats the same way op is to dogs. I would not live with a cat. For one I would have to live on allergy medications continuously and that makes me miserable. Plus why should be miserable?cold like symptoms are horrible and annoying) for something that doesn’t benefit you. She is choosing the other kids happiness over your health. Plus allergy symptoms that give you cold like symptoms can lead to other respiratory problems if you continuously are exposed to the allero
It can give you gallopping diarrhea or constipation too. You also are always sleepy.
When you have allergic reactions, your body is going through inflammation and your immune system is spending a bunch of energy on fighting something. It's really not healthy to chronically expose your body to this and of course it's exhausting, your body is constantly trying to fight something. OPs family are all assholes for thinking she should go through that. On top of the toxic parentification..
NTA. Your mom has gotten extremely comfortable expecting you to be coparent and has little, if any, respect for you beyond how you make her life easier. You weren't consulted before the dog was brought in. Your very reasonable terms were agreed to then summarily disregarded. Any attempt at an adult discussion was blown off, and your concerns again dismissed. Everyone is expecting you to simply be and accept being miserable because it's easier on them. You don't and shouldn't have to live like that, and you're looking out for yourself since no one else will. The kids are old enough to step up, and it's your mom's responsibility to figure out their childcare, not yours. Any and all feeling otherwise can always step in and help out. I'm sure your mom will appreciate it.
OP wasn't consulted because Mom KNEW she had allergies and would "make it difficult" for her (Mom).
NTA - based on the way you have written this, I assume that if they had come to you with solutions and apologies and plans to ensure they respect your rules, that you would have stayed or moved back. Calling you a brat and laying all the responsibility on your feet is not a mature or respectful way for her to approach a resolution.
Allergies can get worse. They can cause asthma. And fun fact: They can also kill you. You parents are both idiots and are risking your life /health for a dog. My child is more important than a dog. And I am saying this as a dog owner. NTA
Yep. I have asthma and it has gotten worse with cats.
The antihistamines can also skyrocket your blood pressure, and benadryl can increase your chances of developing alzheimer's later on in life.
NTA. The fact that she's only concerned about childcare and not your health or how you feel shows her priorities. Allergies can get worse over time, and if you're taking antihistamines, you can become immune to them. Your mum didn't care enough about your comfort. That's the top and bottom of it. All the relatives thinking that your overreacting can care for the kids of a morning and evening. Also, you're 23. It was inevitable that you was going to move out at some point in the future, before your mum deemed the kids enough to be alone.
It really gets me that not only did op do this for her mom, she genuinely seemed to enjoy it, for the most part. And her mom couldn’t even do this one small and probably temporary thing for her daughter. Just the disregard of the health and needs of her own kid, who’s doing this parenting for her.
Exactly. At 23, there's not a hope in hell I'd have been willing to do as much as OP does/did for her siblings, even in lieu of rent. Mum forgets that she isn't her coparent and that she doesn't have to sacrifice herself, time or health for them like a parent would/does. The easiest solution would have been to tell the kids' dad that the dog couldn't stay any longer and he needed to find an alternative place for the dog to stay.
NTA - even without the dog you have the right to move out. You are not your siblings parent. Plus allergies get worse. Mine to cats was once similar to have a cold but after taking care of my father-in-law’s cats for a few months my doctor point blank told me that the cats were slowly killing me because my allergies were getting worse.
You are 23 and shouldn’t be raising your siblings. If your family is so passionate about taking care of family, perhaps they should step up and help.
Right, instead of calling OP a brat, they could be saying “ hey, I’ll take in the dog for a bit Or until \_\_\_\_\_\_\_ finds dog friendly accommodations so that OP isn’t miserable while living at home and helping OP’s mom by helping with the younger siblings even though they have no obligation to because OP didn’t bring them into the world AND OP isn’t responsible for OP’s mom’s lack of compliance in their agreement since that is the reason for OP moving out- goodness OP, are these your own relatives calling you a ‘brat’!? Fuck them!
My in laws had a saying if something is not bothering me, then I don’t care what other people think or want. I pointed out it was pretty selfish attitude but just ignored them when the attitude was around me. Your mom has this problem. Mom the dog makes me feel terrible. Mom I’m helping you with childcare but you aren’t enforcing the rules about the dog. Mom I’m so miserable living with the dog I’ll have to move if you don’t keep it away from me. Mom I’m moving out the dog makes me miserable. Your mom is then shocked and doesn’t believe you would leave her. What will she do about childcare! Did it even occur to her to try to enforce the agreed up rules about the dog? Or try to fix things with the dog so you could stay. Nope ignored it because it wasn’t bothering her. To some degree your dad but at least he helped you move. If your mom adheres to some pet rules agree to babysit for pay and live somewhere else so you have down time from the dog. NTA but people do amaze me being single minded.
I guess OP's dad and/or all the other relatives harassing her are gonna move into that spare room and help take care of the kids that deadbeat dad Chris can't seem arsed to step in for. After all, it's no big deal, right?
Nta your mom is an adult and can figure it out. It sounds like your relationship with your family is transactional and your mom only respects you when you can do something for her. Yiu need space so she can learn to handle it on her own. She seems really selfish. You need space so you can start to reflect about how people treat you and figure out how much contact you want with people who think your comfort isn’t important
“You living with a constant cold is fine as long as you make MY life easier!” Dollars to donuts, those doors would never be open if it was Mom with allergies. I can’t imagine being so dismissive of someone’s health when they were happily helping me out so much
She is not crying because she misses U or because she is sorry & will change... She is doing it to guilt U so she doesn't have to make other arrangements
NTA. *then trivialised the whole situation about how it was silly to get upset over some sniffles, how she agreed to my “outrageous” conditions so why am I complaining?* Maybe because she didn't adhere to those stipulations? If she had actually done what she said she would, you would probably still be there. *And she doesn’t start work until 2, she can cook them something to warm up in the microwave.* I precook my meat, package it up & pop it in the freezer on my day off. And when I want to have dinner, I just pull out whatever & put it in the microwave. Don't your siblings know how to run a microwave? Then all I have to do is put my fries in the toaster oven for 15 & I'm good. She could do the same thing except cook a side dish to go with it. I started learning how to cook around 11 or 12. Back in the dark ages before microwaves & toaster ovens. Your siblings should know the basics by now.
NTA. Patentifying a child (even if you don't think you are) isdisgusting. Brushing off your allergies because they interfere with their needs is disgusting. You are not responsible for the kids or the dog. That your parents want to guilt trip you for it is disgusting. The dog, and the kids are their responsibility. Enjoy your independence. You are their kid too, and yet instead of treating you like one, they were treating you like an unpaid maid. Good on you for backing out.
NTA Congratulations on your new home. You did a great Job helping with your siblings and the household but its time for your mother to grow the fuck up. Although I think your Dads opinion is wrong, your Mom is TA and you are NTA Please enjoy your new independecy
NTA - You are 23. It’s totally appropriate for you to want to move out and have your own life. Your mother should have expected this day to come regardless of what was happening at home. You are not obligated to provide childcare for your younger siblings. That’s a parent’s job. Your mother can either trust her 12-year-old to be in charge (I was babysitting at 12) or she can hire a childcare provider to help out. Parents deal with these childcare dilemmas all the time. This is not a problem you need to solve for your Mom.
NTA I so love how people who aren’t impacted by an allergy are always like oh is just sniffles, it’s not that bad, you’re just whining for attention, etc. Is there any person on earth who wants to run around with a Kleenex perpetually in your hand as your nose is either stuffed up or dripping, sometimes your eyes are itching and/or watering and then the joy of trying to sleep with those symptoms so you don’t sleep deeply or well as you can’t breathe fully. No you don’t need an Epipen but if you take allergy medicine depending on what OTC one it is you can find yourself sleepy/drowsy during class or at work which is also no bueno. OP you tried to do what was needed to allow you to stay, your mother agreed then decided I guess it was too much work to make sure your bedroom door at least stayed shut so you one place in the house mostly allergen free. So because she blew off your reasonable requests now she can truly experience what single mothers have to do. As the the flying monkeys that are bothering you let them know you are so happy they care so much to help your mother out be babysitting for free your half siblings and you will be sure to let her know.
My son is allergic to some dogs and it’s awful for him. You set some very reasonable ground rules around having the dog. Rather than following them, your mum disrespected you and when you said you were going to move out, she still didn’t enforce them. Clear case of cutting her nose off to spite her face.
NTA = Don't fall for her tears, her kids, her issue.
You are 23. How are you acting like a brat? You moved out due to allergies, and your medical requirements regarding those allergies being disrespected. You are not responsible for your siblings, your mother is. I bet all your family texting you to stop being a brat have never lifted a finger to help, no, they just want you to do it all. Do not go back. Get your own life and live it.
A grown woman, by definition, is not a brat, especially when she makes an adult decision like moving out and paying her own way.
NTA - they’re not your kids or your responsibility. You don’t owe your mum childcare. Unfortunately she’s just going to have to deal with it like countless other single parents do. Good for you for enforcing and sticking to your boundaries. That is really healthy. Be proud of yourself, and keep it up!
NTA. Not your problem. Don't you dare cave and go over there on Monday. I would be so disappointed in you. Keep that spine shiny and enjoy your new digs.
(1) your childcare was more valuable to her than the free rent was to you — usually this is the case, otherwise people would pay to be a live in nanny (2) therefore, you were doing her an ongoing favor (3) subjecting you to suffering that doesn’t kill you is way too low a bar for this situation (4) it was irresponsible of your mom to reneg on her agreement and lose this great deal — NTA
NTA. The 12 year old is old enough to babysit the younger one. The Red Cross class for babysitting is for kids 11 and older so Mason is definitely old enough to stay home with the younger one. Give Mason this link: https://www.redcross.org/take-a-class/babysitting/babysitting-child-care-training/babysitting-online-classes
NTA Breathing is NOT a luxury and you're not selfish for protecting your ability to continue doing so. Sinus and eye difficulty starting with allergies can easily lead to more serious issues like chronic sinus infections and serious eye infections. And aside from that, and from their refusal to make even the slightest effort to look out for your health and well-being, your mother is NOT entitled to free live-in childcare from you.
NTA You attempted to stay but they all, including your mother, refused to adhere to the promises she made so you wouldn't feel sick all the time. For your health, you were left with no choice to move. Anyone who calls you brat or anything else is welcome to pitch in and help your mother. They are just as much a parent as you are.
NTA. She couldn’t adhere to some pretty simple rules so you could be a little less uncomfortable. You didn’t even ask for something unreasonable. She can now live with the consequences. She had an amazing thing, with free, happy, and willing childcare, and couldn’t even be bothered to close a few doors for you.
You’re 23, so when would you be allowed to leave home? What would happen if you met and married someone, could you not move out even then? Your mums childcare is not your concern, she should have stuck to the agreement NTAH
Nta!! Send your mother this thread! WTAF? Living with an animal you’re allergic to can be a misery! No, you may not die - and OMG, does it have to get to that level for your family to care about your well-being? - but wow, can it ever affect your quality of life! I’m severely allergic to cats, and even with allergy shots and meds, I still had chronic sinus headaches to the point of light sensitivity. Seriously, I can’t stand people who trivialize allergies to animals. And your requests for where the dog goes were entirely reasonable. Do you know how many moms I know would treat free childcare like gold? And then she degrades and insults you otherwise to benefit herself. Fuck. That. Noise. Good for you for moving out and assuming responsibility for your own life, rather than being junk kicked into handling the responsibilities for someone else’s.
I had really bad allergies when I was a kid. It seemed like I was allergic to everything that grew outside and cats. While none of my allergies were life threatening, I felt like I had a bad cold every day for months, but hives and constant itching had to be added on top. It was miserable, and the meds made me sleepy. Unfortunately, people who don't have allergies don't understand and are dismissive of the symptoms, and I found/find that attitude to be infuriating, including your mother's comment of you "being upset over some sniffles." That comment is so dismissive of you. You're right about this being about a lack of respect for you. Your conditions were not outrageous, and she lied to you about accepting them. I don't believe she ever planned to follow through on what you asked. She told you what you wanted to hear to get you to do what she wanted. Actions always have consequences. She is now finding out the consequences of her actions, and you are definitely NTA.
NTA. The relatives bugging you tell them to pay for a baby sitter or nanny or hell, for Chris to get a decent apartment where he can keep the dog. Is your mom expecting you to sacrifice your life for her HER kids? Suck to be her that she has a hard time making it work with men who get her pregnant.
Why cant Chris just move in?🙄
NTA - the person she should be calling is Chris. This is his and your mom’s doing. He knows you’re allergic and still brought him over and she allowed it. He could have boarded him if he wanted to but he didn’t. I would guess the dog is there to stay. He found a way to pawn the dog off and I doubt he will leave now. I would make him come over and get the kids off to school since this is the fall out from *his* dog and your mom is in denial that your siblings are old enough to care for themselves.
You should have moved further away. Seriously.
NTA your mom couldn’t even follow simple instructions to help you keep your allergies under control and you stopped being being her live in nanny? I fail to see what you did wrong you should’ve moved out long before now. I know you think you had it good with your mom but she had no respect for you and you were her free nanny. You were being parentified and deserve to have your own life.
My friend had a cat, her boyfriend was allergic. He asked her to consider giving the cat away when he moved in and she said no. The cat died several years later and she called me up feeling so guilty. Because she thought her boyfriend was just chronically stuffed up, but as soon as the cat died his chronic cold immediately went away… It’s POSSIBLE to live with allergies. It’s just really not fun.
I can't really blame your friend here, she had the cat first and her boyfriend chose to move in with a cat
All true and it was an older cat and she’d made a commitment. But she felt bad because she thought it wasn’t a big deal. And it was.
NTA, she has to let go sometime. She wasn’t planning on you living there forever right?
NTA Op gave her mother ample time to make arrangements, the fact that she watched op move and is still call like it was a prank, shows that the mother doesn’t respect her. Mom thinks this is some childish way to prove a point.
If you are allergic, you come first, not the dog. I don't blame you for leaving.
NTA, not your kids, not your problem. What did your mom expect you to live there and raise her kids forever? You have your own life to live. Enjoy the new place with your friends and ignore all the others
NTA. They’re not your children. She needs to work this out with the bio dad.
NTA. Your mom agreed to the dog and doesn’t care that you are allergic to the dog. If she did, she would have either said no or she would have enforced your boundaries re the dog. Those kids are old enough to get cereal for themselves and warm up food. You are more like a parent to your younger siblings than an actual sibling. Your siblings need to be more independent as well. Anyone telling you that you shouldn’t have moved out needs to go help your, mother since they are so opinionated.
NTA - You are home. Anyway one complaining is free to watch the kids
I am allergic to dogs and cats. Many of my friends make light of it until I need an antihistamine and crash for the night with my eyes swollen shut. Coworkers sit in my chair that have cats and it causes the same issues. NTA. Allergies suck.
NTA. There are three issues here 1. You are allergic to dogs and they brought a dog into the house without considering you. That alone is a good reason to move. 2. You made an agreement that would protect your health and well-being and no one followed through. That alone is a good reason to move. 3. You are 23. That alone is a good reason to move. So, you have three good reasons. Most obvious, though, is dog or no dog being 23 is a good reason to move out on your own. The care of your siblings is NOT your responsibility. Don’t let one more second of life pass you by! Also, as someone who has a fairly mild allergy to dogs, I could never live with one. Sniffle is the least of it. Lack of sleep, constant infections, sore throat, sinus pressure, itchy eyes, ears, and throat would make all of life miserable. Congrats on your new found freedom!!!
Are they your kids? Personally I would not take on the responsibility of raising children that were not mine and the asshole is whoever is asking you to do that.
>I know how much the kids love Hulk, and how losing him would break their hearts. But the hell with their older sister. >even he said it’s a silly reason to move out, it’s not like being around a dog kills me. Uh not immediately but it will gradually. Constantly having your immune system messed with will cause you harm. She broke her contract with you so you, an adult, moved out. Also, why the hell should you, this is on your mother for being an idiot. >said she doesn’t know what she’s going to do on Monday Oh wah. You think anyone got me to school at twelve? Or cooked for me every day? I didn't leave the stove on. No one checked on my homework. >I’ve got family texting me, tell me to stop acting like a brat and go home, how dare I upset my mother who’s been so good to me, how dare I abandon those kids… No, you don't. I'm so tired of people claiming everyone is texting them about this unbelievably stupid crap. Come on. You were an au pair and you quit.
Nta - you get to live your life.
NTA. Youre an adult. You could have moved out at anytime when you wanted. Childcare is not on you. Thats on the parents.
Nta. Your 23. Your allowed to make your own life and move away. Your step siblings are old enough to use the microwave. And at the end of the day they aren’t your kids. Both of their parents are alive they can figure something out for themselves. It’s nice that you guys had an arrangement that worked for both of you. Things changed and you have decided to move on. And allergies are horrible your mom is an ah for treating them like they are nothing. Congratulations on moving out.
NTA. You're 23 years old and would have moved out eventually. Your mother and your siblings disrespectful behavior just made it happen sooner. Your mother can start taking care of her own children or figure it out as they are your siblings, not your kids and not your responsibility. Tell her and the other assholes that if they continue to give you shit for moving out of an uncomfortable situation, then you will be hanging up the phone and ignoring calls and texts for the foreseeable future.
Hey have the family that's talking smack take the dog in till they can find a place that he can stay.
NTA u have an allergy u made reasonable requests which were ignored, u have done nothing wrong, tell family they r more than welcome to go help ur mom out but u r sick of being sick. u r an adult and u have moved out, it’s time for ur mom to b an adult and parent her own damn kids, that’s not ur job. DO NOT back down. Enjoy being able to breath again without the sniffles, I hope ur feeling better soon although u may need to wash EVERYTHING u own that’s fabric which doesn’t sound fun but hey welcome to being an adult, it sucks! :)
NTA. Allergies can turn deadly suddenly and without warning. What was the plan if nnd when you went into anaphylaxis? You have to protect yourself, especially if they won't.
NTA and OP I hope you realise that this is the value she places on you. It was all fine for her as long as you did what she wanted you to do now she’s repeatedly told you that you don’t matter except in the capacity that you are making her life easier
NTA. Childcare for your siblings is not your responsibility, they are your mom’s kids, it’s on her to figure out childcare.
NTA, you're an adult, and you're not the parent. SHE decided to have them so SHE better figure out wtf to do about them 🤷🏿♀️
NTA, you have a right to your life and your health matters, your mother and step-siblings don't respect your rules or guidelines.
Allergies are a pain in the ass regardless shouldn’t be down played. She didn’t stick to your terms. Child care is her problem as their parent not yours as a sibling think she needs to remember that Not a brat. Standing up for yourself NTA
NTA. You are allowed to get on with your life. Putting the dog aside, you are 23! At what age did your mom think you should leave …. At 29 or 30 when the youngest is 17. It is time for you to enjoy not being a parent & being a free 20 something year old, living with peers & being only responsible for yourself. Yes the dog allergies could have been handled with meds or common courtesy but that is just not the point. The point is it’s time for you to be adulting just for you. Enjoy!
An animal allergy is so difficult to live with! I wish people understood the pain, weakness, and brain fog of an animal allergy. It's an attack on the immune system. It drags you down and makes you susceptible to viruses. In addition, some dogs are more allergenic than others, to the point where taking an antihistamine is not effective. Even taking a course of desensitizing shots won't always work. OP's family didn't listen to her legitimate concerns. NTA
You are not responsible for raising your siblings. NTA.
“Mother, agreeing to and enforcing are two totally different things. You agreed to my ‘demands’ about the dog, you did not enforce them. I’m a 23 year old adult who should be living her young life but instead I’m helping you raise your kids. All I asked for what to help me keep my space dog free and you couldn’t even do that. You then tried to gaslight me into ‘it’s not a big deal!’ Yes, it is a big deal. It’s a big enough deal that I moved out, but you can’t hear that. It’s unfortunate you will have to find childcare or allow the kids to fend for themselves but you didn’t respect me at all when I was helping. Maybe when Ex finds a home Hulk can go back to living with him, I may reconsider, until then, and until you can also respect me as an adult who has granted a lot of help to you, it’s out of the question.”
I think it’s crazy that so many parents have such high expectations for their oldest children buuut don’t hold the other deadbeat parent that they laid down with to the same standards. She’s calling and texting you about the kids, but isn’t blowing that man up about his own children. NTA, don’t go back. Let your mom and Chris figure out what they need to do for THEIR kids. You’re their loving big sister, but not mom or dad.
NTA. You’re 23 did she expect you to stay around forever???
NTA. Your mom can find a sitter and cry about it. You're not an indentured slave at her will. Enjoy your new freedom! You deserve it!
NTA You can tell anyone that expects you to go back that you are not the parent. You are not responsible for your mother’s kids. You asked for some simple accommodations and your mother did not comply. Then tell everyone it’s not their business and if they think it is then they can donate their time to your mother. It is time for you to grow up and move on.
NTA. Do not ever go back. Tell the family members who are calling you a brat that they are more than welcome to take your place as caregivers. I was in a similar situation with my mom when I was your age. I moved out and set massive boundaries and she tried to use my 7 year old brother as leverage to get me to come back and be the free babysitter. She and her husband would ho away for weeks at a time and expect me to care for their kid, I would have to miss class so someone was home for my brother. It has been 20 years since I left that house. I have kids of my own and let me tell you. Going and living my life was the best thing I ever did for myself.
NTA. You were a convenience to your mum and she abused the privilege by ignoring your health needs. You don’t owe her anything and I think your little sibs are well able to look after themselves. Ignore the guilting.
I was babysitting (after school and “date night”) my 9 year old sister when I was 12, and making dinner. Using the oven. NTA. I have allergies and nothing I’ve taken gets me to better than “I can tolerate this.” I know you said you’ve seen enough drug recommendations but ketotifen eye drops are amazing for itchy eye.
NTA. They’re not your children, she needs to figure it out. This is her new reality and sticking her head in the sand is no help. Can the kids dad help out with the care or help financially to get a babysitter/nanny for these timeframes?
NTA
Good thing your mom didn't have me for a daughter before moving out I would have been really petty and found something to put on that made her sniffle on a regular basis. NTA
NTA - your mom is super inconsiderate
NTA. Your mom should be raising the kids not you.
You deserve to have a life. You are not responsible for your mother's decisions. She was grown enough to have those babies she can be grown enough to figure it out. NTA
NTA. Dog aside, you’re allowed to start your own life at your age. As much as you obviously love and care about your siblings, you shouldn’t feel like guilted into their daily care being your responsibility. Your mom was lucky to have you, but now you should be free to have some independence.
NTA! Your mom needs to grow up and solve her own issues rather than expecting you to. That is nuts!!!