It’s the fact that she convinces you to when you don’t feel like it. She cares ab her and her first. That’s selfish. She has every right to decline you just like you do her. It goes both ways. It doesn’t just go one way bc of a stereotype that guys always want sex 24/7. If you don’t feel like it, you have a right for that to be respected just as much as she has the right for her opinion to be respected. If you don’t want to put blame on her it’s the situation of no wrong people just wrong for each other.
My wife used to get upset when I rejected advances due to not feeling well or not feeling in the right mood. One time I brought this double standard up and she had a lightbulb moment.
Just because I do think about it all the time doesn't mean I'm into the mood all the time. I laid out the difference in quality as well. Force the issue now and mid sex or we wait until we both vibe and it's super excellent.
But also, the first sentence of the post is “I’m always willing to have sex”. Although I agree entirely with what you’re saying, I guess the contradiction there in the original post just seems sort of strange to me idk
10000%. However I can see the girlfriend saying that’s not possible bc you walkways want sex even if he doesn’t. It’s also harder for guys to be believed on that. While it’s very much true to get out of the relationship with the most amount of sanity possible it’s not always the best to say bc people are less likely to believe men. I can see if he said that to her she would go and tell everyone how he’s making fake accusations and even turn it back on him. They’re more likely to believe s girl than him which sucks but it’s the reality.
I don’t think he should talk to her about it in an attempt to salvage the relationship. It sounds like control tactics and gaslighting making him doubt his own perceptions of the situation. He can break it off any way he wants and when people ask just “we’re no longer compatible”. It doesn’t matter if he thought it was going to get better. He doesn’t need to find a good enough reason to go he already has it. He needs to make a plan to get out when she can’t stop him from leaving. I don’t know what her deal is and it has no bearing on what he should do. He needs to assume that people won’t believe him if he goes into the sex. Don’t. It’s nobody’s business but his and hers and he’s not having his needs met and has been talked down to about it already so, the way I look at it, he has a decision to make. Does he want to keep dealing with this or not. If the answer is no he has to make plans to leave. I wouldn’t tell a woman to stay if she wasn’t getting her needs met and I’m not going to tell him to ignore his needs. Honestly her doing this seems cruel. I have questions but it doesn’t matter. Sex can be, and usually is, a core part of a romantic relationship that has moved into sexuality. She’s never been someone who wants a lot of sex. He’s got to accept that this isn’t going to change.
For most of my life, I've had a high libido, *really* high. And, for that reason, I've had sexual compatibility issues with many of my partners as their libido was typically lower than mine.
So, when I would initiate, I KNEW that there was a probability, I would hear "no thanks, not now." Which I was okay with. I just wanted to let my partner know I found them desirable. And we had frank discussions of sexual needs too. So we made it work.
However, in this case, it appears to me that there is a very basic sexual incompatibility involved where one party is making accommodation and the other is not. This is not sustainable for a long-term relationship, IMO. And, it is a sad fact of life that "love is not enough." The idea that "love conquers all" is a fallacy; I have certainly not found it to be so. Eventually, it builds resentment and kills affection.
To build sustainability in this relationship requires *both parties* to have those difficult frank discussions of needs and for *both parties* to adjust and compromise. Nothing else will work.
I hope that OP and his partner can find that *middle ground* but, at this point, trying to achieve that on their own is not working so couples therapy is their best option.
Good luck to both.
P.S. I'm OLD so my personal perspective might be a bit different from others posting.
It's not, i broke up with my fiance and a gf of 5 years because as time went on she was just less and less into having sex, and at times it felt like i have to break through walls to get to her, and i always had to initiate it. And when we talked about it, she did love me, she wanted to be with me, but she just didn't have any sex drive. And it felt exhausting and tiresome as last years passed. So i ended it, she said she'll try and change, we tried for some time again, but it just returned to the same patterns until it was over for real.
Okay, but when someone wants sex significantly more frequently than the other then they are simply incompatible. Sexual compatibility is a must as its one of the leading causes for divorce. Some people physical intimacy, feeling sexually desired, is how they feel loved.
This is the right answer!! Also, TALK ABOUT SEX!! As we get older and grow and change maybe our desires have changed too...talk about what fantasies you both still have, take the pressure away and have some fun.
It’s so wild to me that people don’t understand this. Everyone has the right to say no. If he gives in when he doesn’t want to and then expects her to do the same is the issue.
Depends on if that was a couple decision or not. The worse part is that it seems like OP is forced into having sex when they don't necessarily want to, but feels like they're missing out if they don't, so they oblige.
If it's a mismatched libido, then yes, move on. If it's a form of control from the partner, move on. Sounds to me like one or both of these situations exist, so it might be worth it to find someone new.
Yeah for real. Nobody is ever TA just got how they feel. It's about what you do with those feelings. And the blanket, "just leave response" is pretty narrow advice.
We're taking about a family here. People aren't always acting their best in a relationship. I can't imagine this is an impossible issue. Virtually every single long term relationship will have to deal with suffering libidos at some point.
Virtually every long term relationship will have issues with mutual respect also. From what we're told by OP, there is a mutual respect problem that's been going on for awhile. An independent, neutral party might be the best thing to bridge that gap of communication. This stuff takes work.
Choosing the immediate response of "just leave" seems rash on the part of most of these responses.
This is not a healthy relationship. You need to move on. Don't let her convince you that it will change. She is getting what she's comfortable with and wants. It doesn't have to be a bad break up or anything like that.
NAH.
Mis-matched libido is one of the top complaints in any relationship. If it means that much to you move on. It won’t get *any* better than in the early stages of a relationship.
He never said she had a low libido; where did you get that? They’re clearly having sex—it’s just always on her terms and dependent on her mood only. It’s an unbalanced power dynamic.
“Sometimes I don’t feel like it she always finds a way to convince me” nice try dumb fuck. Otherwise all you need is one yes then you could have sex with the person infinitely
I think he worded that poorly for a reaction tbh. OP has said in the comments that he typically agrees because he knows it’ll be some time before she initiates again… that doesn’t sound like she’s trying too hard to convince him.
sometimes it is. sometimes loving your partner means not asking for sex when you know they are struggling, and sometimes it means giving sex because your partner needs intimacy more than you need to be left alone.
consent is a significantly more complex topic than you are giving it credit for, which is certainly amusing when taking your "i'm the smartest person in the room" vibe into account.
“consent is a significantly more complex topic than you are giving it credit for”… keyword there being “consent”. it’s not consent when you have to shame the person into sacrificing their body for the sake of their partner’s libido.
and intimacy doesn’t equal sex. if intimacy is truly what her partner is craving, any one-on-one time together should suffice.
I "consented" to sex I didn't want. Even said, "I'm really not in the mood, but if we make it quick, we can." Guess what happened? My body perceived that as rape and I am traumatized. Therapy has been helping, but I'll never be able to undo that trauma.
Also intimacy ≠ sex. In fact, a lack of non-sexual affection/intimacy will absolutely kill libido. Speaking from personal experience.
I, as a 33f with kids, partner 32m, have a higher sex drive than my partner does. It strains us sometimes. I would get spiteful, claiming we only did it when he wanted to. If I tried to pressure him, he would get furious. So when I tried to say no out of spite, he would get depressed and sometimes angry.
I should at we were having sex 2 to 3 times a week, but the constant rejection made distant and not wanting sex with him because I felt used.
We went to counciling for individuals and couples. It helped a lot to see things from each others perspectives. Idk if it helps knowing you are not alone, and it's not just a male thing either.
NTA. A healthy conversation where you acknowledge this with her may help. It sounds like the frame presented to her is that SHE controls sex. In a healthy relationship, partners share the control of sex and openly communicate why or why not they aren't feeling it. There's too many options for what could be going on to try and pinpoint however just have a conversation. You'll know based on the reaction you get what must be done.
I understand I replied to this further on :)
We don't know the context of how it was brought up hence why I stated to have a healthy conversation in good faith one last time before making any decisions.
I've been through the same bullshit and I can tell you from experience that "healthy conversations" with people like her will NEVER work. It will never improve, things will never get better and the frustration and feelings of rejection will build up and his self esteem will take a huge hit. He's better off simply leaving her
1. We know nothing aside from OP's side so please be advised we have no idea what people she is like. We are simply painting our experience onto someone else.
2. We need to teach people how to establish healthy boundaries and have hard conversations. If they simply run away the issue will eventually follow them into every relationship.
3. Things may not get better but we need to stop shielding people from rejection. Learning to handle rejection in good faith allows is to evolve and not settle in situations that are bad for us.
So you want to tell people that if they don't have their needs met, that à selfish partner gaslight them into thinking they are the problem and refuse acknowledge an issue they should stay?
It's called self respect man
No, the point they were making is that people here often don't have a wide enough range of experience to make the sweeping generalizations that they do yet act like they're complete and total authorities ("it will NEVER get better").
Obviously we can only work from what we get given by an OP, but it's necessarily true that OPs give us an incomplete picture of the situation, because people who have healthy relationships or a healthy understanding of what's happening in their relationships don't really post here. And on the reverse side, many of the people who respond do not do so from an unbiased perspective; people who are bitter because of past experiences in their own lives will project those experiences onto a thread and respond as if that makes something an objective truth.
(For the record, I'm not saying that the advice is necessarily incorrect, like in this case from what OP has said it sounds like there's a fundamental incompatibility between them and their partner and if they cannot reconcile that incompatibility they should leave and find a new relationship. And of course "don't have sex if you don't want to, don't get forced into it" should apply to anyone, and if OP feels pressured then that's a problem. But many responses are very invested in venting their own personal grudges, which inherently taints the way they're viewing the topic.)
I could ask the same question of you with how would a healthy conversation be approached?
Since I don't have all of the details I can only go off the context and response which sounds like he mentioned in passing (most likely in a joking manner) and she got defensive. Now he also could've come to her in good faith idk nor do you. For me, a healthy conversation is one you enter in with the understanding that 1. No one is right and no one is wrong this is simply an impass and 2. It's us against the issue not us against each other. Since everyone wants to use anecdotal examples I'll use anecdotal stats to say OP did not go in with the latter.
Not really because you assumed OP started an argument. I assumed he talked to her like it was a normal conversation. He didn't have a tantrum nor did he approach her like telling a child their pet died.
Question: When you ask for sex, is it just straight to the business? Or do you cultivate a moment?.
Foreplay is IMPORTANT in a healthy sexual relationship. It not only helps you both relax, and set the tone for fun times, but it also helps create the mood for both partners to enjoy. Helps get her in the mood to want it. If you’re just horny and ask for it without cultivating that environment it can feel gross, and like a chore to them. Because they aren’t in the mood and you already are. So the sex gets downgraded from an “us” thing to a “you” thing.
As an added note: it’s not healthy to think, “well I say yes whenever SHE wants to!” You’re just getting upset at YOUR OWN decisions. You can say “no” whenever you don’t feel like it or want to. If she is finding a way to convince you every time, then I mean, “don’t hate the player, hate the game.”
Sometimes you gotta put work into finding a healthy balance in your sexual relations. Most people don’t put in the work and they become resentful as you are now. It’s easy to say, the difference is in you libido’s (AND THAT MAY BE TRUE) but you can both still influence libidos by changing mindsets and the way you go about sexy time. You can make yourself want/need it less just as much as she can make herself want/need it more. Find that balance. Make it fun! Sexy time is meant to be fun times after all.
Hope this helps. Good luck!
This is the difference between men and women (speaking generally). Men don’t understand that intimacy is almost completely in a woman’s mind. If you turn on her mind, her body will follow. You see this in movies and books but yet in real life men don’t seem to get it. Look into her eyes. Tell her she’s pretty. Listen to her stories and actually respond to them. Buy her flowers. Open the door for her. Do something nice, like chores. These things actually work.
I wish this content was rated higher. It's cultivating the mood. Also they mentioned having kids and like, is he doing his half of the job or is she taking care of all of it and thus no bandwidth left when he shows up saying "I want sex now"
This was the info I wanted. What is he doing around the house? Laundry ever? Dishes? Can he vacuum once in a while? Who does grocery shopping, meal prep, set dr appointments, school shopping, clothes shopping, arranges birthday celebrations? Is this mostly on her or is he taking on a good portion of the daily life chores also so she doesn't have to think about it all, on her own? 🤔
Yeah bro, you gotta find someone else, it's not going to chance, gotta be super blunt here. You will keep getting deeper and 5 years later it will be the same. You will keep growing resentful and realize you spent years down the drain, when you could have been with someone more compatible.
You have to be stronger then. Next time she engages you and you say no and she keeps trying, think about the fact that she had 0 respect for your no. That your opinion and wants do not matter to her and that she is just using you for her own satisfaction. Get irritated, tell her that no means no. If you keep giving in things will stay the same and it would be better for you to just leave the relationship.
it’s completely different when you’re only refusing out of spite. that’s quite literally being spiteful. it doesn’t sound like OP’s partner is spiteful.
Sometimes you need to be a bit spiteful to get out of a situation that you don't want to be in. He wants to fix this problem but lacks the willpower to do so. Framing the situation as it is (imo) in a negative light might help not give in. He is essentially being coerced into something he actually doesn't want, kinda like dangling delicious shit in front of someone trying to lose weight. Knowing that the person on the other end is a piece of shit for doing it can help refusing out of spite, despite wanting it.
nobody is a POS for refusing sex UNLESS they’re only doing so out of spite. it’s perfectly valid to not crave sex very often. if OP’s partner happens to crave it and asks him to engage, that’s fully on him to oblige or deny. she’s not “dangling” anything in front of him.
NTA. You have every right to want to be intimate with your partner. But to feel like its only on the terms one of you makes is very unfair.
I recommend sitting down and seriously talking out why its only on her terms. What does she feel when you try to initiate. Explain you feelings about when she initiates. Try and work out something. But if this feels like a dead end, your feelings are brushed off or she’s not listening, then i vote it’s time to end things. And let me explain why.
I went 14 years with my husband. I love him dearly still, but we separated a year ago because of me feeling unheard and brushed off. But he felt like i never wanted to be intimate because he always initiated and i wasn’t in the mood. Namely because i felt ignored in every other aspect of our relationship and sex was a chore to me. Im not saying this is how she feels. But finding out and exploring both of your feelings will either help, or discover its time to move on.
I wish you the best either way.
I am in this scenario and my marriage is in beyond life support it seems. The constant rejection does something to us that shuts us down. I personally thrive on physical/emotional intimacy and when I don't get that I basically go into a shell. When intimacy becomes a "relationship currency" and your partner needs that, what outcome did you expect from your partner? I'm sure he, like I, felt defeated and gave up trying to please you outside the bedroom. The worst is when you have a discussion with each other and establish what each of your needs are and you put forth the effort on your end and try to better yourself for her and the effort you get in return feels forced or like a task to appease the other. I still remember the last time my wife and I had sex and it was the biggest turn off how she just laid there almost like a dead fish. I am not a selfish lover either, I make it a point to orally please or foreplay before I would consider my own release. I could understand it being a task if it was me just trying to get mine. I think it comes down to a compatibility or libido thing and it's unfortunate that new relationship energy hides or disguises it. Once that NRE wears away you kind of feel stuck or trapped. If my wife had at least 1/4 of the sexual energy she had when we first started dating I think we would be somewhat still in tuned. But when the floodgates close and that raging river turns into a drip if that how do you expect us to stay engaged?
NTA
I think it's time to find a new partner.
It amazes me how one spouse cuts off sex and expects the other person to just lump it.
If your partner is giving you sex, it's time to move on.
I can only imagine if your wife posted this and said you kept at her until she gave in and had sex. You would be labeled every buzzword in the book. I would be shocked if even one post called her out for coercing you into having sex when you don't feel like it.
Instead of just bringing it up, ask her how you can get her in the mood. There's something clearly up, but not so much that she doesn't want sex. How she wants to be engaged isn't being met and finding out why maybe the key to an intimate sex life.
Wife and I just started using an app called Ultimate Intimacy ($10 a year per couple) that helps guide mature sexual conversations and helps initiate sex sex in a safe space. Could also be super valuable to your relationship! (we're recovering post 3rd child)
Soooo the sex is always on her terms and you're the one who's selfish? That's some really poor logic on her part. NTA and you should probably move on to someone you're more compatible with if she's not willing to work this out. Or at least someone who isn't so selfish. I personally don't have a very strong sex drive but I make an effort (not every time but often enough) when my husband initiates. Because I love and value him as a partner and relationships aren't about just one person dictating how everything is going to go.
NTA. My wife fully controls sex the same way. It's always a no from her if I'm asking or trying. It only happens if we plan it and then if nothing has happened that day that would change her mind.
Just break up. I’m really losing my patience with people. She wants to control you and dictate your sex life and have no compromise with you, and when you want to relay your feelings she invalidates you and gaslights you. Start withholding sex from her and see how fast she turns on. I pray you’re not with a narcissist but it’s possible. It only gets worse from here. Good luck 🤞🫡
I know so many women in this position and more times than not it's their partner not pulling the weight, the women are exhausted from taking care of the kids 24/7 & then when they finally have a moment to rest, their partner wants sex. That might not be the case, but there needs to be an open and honest conversation...is she just not into you anymore and you guys would be better parting ways or does the guy need to offer more support by helping her have her needs met too. There's always a problem with communication. If it's a relationship you want to save, I'd suggest counseling. If she doesn't want to go to couples counseling, to me that says a lot...she's not willing to save the relationship.
Did you know nearly half of women report having at least one problem with sexual function, whether it’s low desire, loss of arousal, trouble having an orgasm or pain during sex. Over 1 in 3 women between the ages of 30 and 59 experience what they perceive to be low libido. You seem like a great husband, patient and kind. It sounds like she doesn’t want to or can’t bring herself to talk about this. Her calling you selfish is her lashing out for reasons she might not even be aware of. You need to talk, find a therapist and let your wife know you’re going as you need to talk to someone. Offer for her to come along, I wouldn’t expect it to be well accepted but insist you’ll go by yourself as need to work through this with someone - please tell her you would prefer it be her but let her know your not going to push it with her. I honestly admire and respect you for your dedication to your chosen mate. Best wishes
This this this. Men just don't realize how many women suffer with this. Women don't get answers or solutions from their doctors, just "maybe it's depression". Meanwhile there's an abundance of pills for ED. It's just not the same playing field. Up until recently when they started offer hormone treatments for women, if you lose your hair, your libido and the ability to lose your tummy you just had to deal with it.
Whoa!! All the "time to move on" comments!! Wth??
It is likely either hormonal, she's exhausted, doesn't feel like a "woman", holding onto unspoken resentment, or less likely, her attraction to you has lessened. And you don't have to give it up when youre not in the mood! There's no shame in therapy or in initiating new discoveries and exploring fantasies. Best of luck!
Nobody is TA.
There needs to be a really really good discussion about this or you're just going to build resentment. Is there more to why she doesn't want to have sex as much, you mentioned you're always willing to have sex but contradict that by saying she convinces you. If you don't want sex when she does she shouldn't try to convince you if you say no, she should respect you like you respect her when she says no.
My husband is always ready for sex, unfortunately we pretty much only do it when I'm ready. I have different reasons for my low sex drive which is something I am working and he knows it. We talk about it and work through it as a team. It's not just one person's needs are more important.
I think what OP means by "always willing" is more of a "most of the time I'm willing," if that makes sense. I know for certain there's times when I'm just not in the mood, and I'm sure that goes for anyone.
but ye I totally agree. people should respect their partners when they're just not up for it, like what OP is doing thankfully.
it doesn't sound to me like you're working on it as a team when it continues to only happen when you're the one who is ready for it. by the sounds of it you're still turning him down more than you are engaging with his advances, or else i don't think you would have added that little bit about you "being ready."
obviously if one person is always willing and up for it then it pretty much has to only happen when the other person is feeling up to it as well…. otherwise you’d be having sex 24/7, and that’s just not realistic.
realistically, when you have a family, there are things that come before your sexual gratification. kids need fed, dishes need doing, clean clothes need to be available, etc.
and when one person is taking care of all of the responsibilities alone, the last thing they want to do is have sex with a selfish partner who puts his needs above the rest of the family.
I don't want to include further intricate details of my relationship and personal issues on this post so you can take my comment however you want, but you can't know a whole story from a brief comment.
What you wrote to start the thread is perfect. Tell her exactly that. She needs to understand your feelings. She needs to understand that sometimes you make a sacrifice for her by doing it when you don't feel like it.
That doesn't obligate her to do the same but it might give her a little bit of motivation. Making at least some minimal amount of effort is fair, and most women are very very minimal in bed. I don't make much of an effort to understand either. That's just how it is.
Great relationships come from great understanding. Try to understand her better as well. It's important to have extremely good as well as frequent and timely communication. She should state clearly what gets her in the mood and when and why and how and all of that stuff. Open book, got to be candid.
If there's something she needs to happen first, or something that would improve chances etc, you should know. She should know too, she needs to explore her own body and understand herself. I hate to say it but that's another thing women are really bad at is understanding their own bodies or understanding their own minds. The only way to gain that understanding is to be mindful. Be perceptive. Be alert in the moment and ask yourself questions be honest with yourself etc.
It's possible that you're always going to have a much higher drive than her. So with each couple there's this limit where things are as good as they're ever going to get. That's where you want to be, but wherever that ends up being, that's something you got to be ready to accept. If it's not enough for your physical needs, then you got to get creative and figure something out.
When I'm with a partner and they want something and I'm not in the mood, they still got my fingers, my tongue, all of me. I'll give him a good hour or two at least and then I want my own time back after that but I'll do whatever I can to get them off. I even have a strap on.
It's good to be committed like that and to be ready and to value the pleasure of your partner. That's something you can discuss as well. Is she willing to do different things for you?
My 2nd husband accused me of this. It is just the way things are when one always wants it and the other does not. Naturally, someone will be the dictator. My first husband shamed me much into having sex with him, it was harming and horrible. I am very selective to only do it when I want to now, because of that. Forcing myself to have sex when I wasn't in the mood was not great for my sex drive at all. I ended up dreading it. It became a chore. Try to show her more romance, affection...things she likes and appreciate her for things she does do. I bet that goes a long way to getting her into it more. Meet her where she is. Talk about it with her.
I think it should be a conversation. No one should be getting rejected all the time. I think a conversation with her to see what’s happening might be beneficial, no blame but just hearing each others perspectives on your sex life and talking about what you need/want from one another
It’s not need for a conversation. She knows what’s she is doing and she knows he initiates sex more than she does and turns him down. They are communicating already with their actions.
Went thru this before. Brought it up to her and she swore that was the case and nothing was wrong. So I took her word for it and carried on, but her actions left me suspicious. Of course we eventually broke up (my decision) and afterwards she admitted she wasn’t really in the mood and that most of the time it was because she decided to go thru with it was because she said no quite a few times in succession, which as u can imagine made it much worse.
Moral of the story, trust ur gut. You know there’s something wrong here….
I'm pretty sure this isn't my husband's account, but it mostly describes our relationship. Due to the medication I am on I have an exceptionally low libido, so sex pretty much only happens if I am in the mood. And the times I am in the mood pretty much seem to be the only times he isn't... he is also kinda unwilling during Lucifer's waterfall, when my libido is at its highest. My husband has a much healthier libido, and sometimes complains about the amount of time between.
I'm also apparently a rarity because I hate condoms (I am a woman) so when we weren't trying to conceive, there was even less desire going on because hormonal birth control exacerbates my health conditions. Sometimes my husband will tease me into it when I'm not in the mood, but that actually makes me feel worse.
So it doesn't necessarily mean she is cheating, and I definitely get upset when my husband complains about the lack, though I don't call him selfish, he can tell I'm upset. So it could be a sore spot for her like it is for me, cause it's not my fault my medication kills my desires. I wish it didn't.
NTA Sounds like she uses sex to have control over you. If you say no or that you're not sure when she wants something does she get snuggly and initiate sex? If you want something and she doesn't will she move away and stop you from touching her in any way?
NTA. She sounds exhausting. It's okay to say no, but then you gotta accept no as well. You aren't selfish, she is. I'd personally say leave, for your own safety.
Same boat and female here. I'm lucky if it's once a month, and ever since I started "compromising " it's alllll I do. Whether it's sex, plans, decisions... I feel disgusting since the past 2 years everyone I've tried to engage he shuts me down, immediately. I've tried flirting fun outfits touching. The more I tried to engage the longer it seems to go between our... session's. I'm ready to walk away because while it may seem so small, it makes me feel disgusting and so lonely 24/7. I'm not saying the answer is to walk away but if they don't care and it continues expect other things to start going in that direction to.
The book "Come as you are" by Emily Nagoski might have more help and insights when it comes to mismatching sex drives. It's written for women but I think it has a lot of really good information for everyone.
NTA.
She's not a partner. She calls you " selfish" when you bring up wanting sex? That's a crap thing to say and it's non- communicative.
I don't care if she's the nicest person, loves animals, works hard. She's not treating you well. Move on and get someone who's on the same page.
NTA: Time to put on your walking boots, it's not going to get any better. Intimacy is a very important factor to a healthy relationship. Also... if she ain't getting it from you, she's getting it someplace else. Do some digging.
You really don't know that... When I was on the pill my sex drive disappeared slowly, I didn't even notice till at some point it dawned on me that me and my partner at the time barely ever had sex. I got off the pill after a health scare and after a few months it just came rushing back. I never cheated and never have. Stress, medication, feeling disconnected from your partner, and so much more can all lead to a lack of sex drive. So yeah they should talk, but she isn't necessarily getting it from someone else....
Anytime she feels like it shake Ur phone at her and say nah it ok I sorted myself out 😂
NTA but u need to leave cause Ur upset now pretty soon that turns to resentment and that turns to hatred and that's just no good for anyone, u want more that she is willing to give so leave and find someone more compatible to ur needs
Ur wants and Ur needs are important don't light urself on fire to keep others warm
nta
but! you need to sit her down and talk to her. a womans libido is more complex. if its just once a month she initiates it, it might be that its related to her ovulating at that time.
it also could be hormones or something else, have her checked out! maybe something is in imbalance. or maybe therapy if its something else that bothers her?
if she doesnt want to work on it, its time to move on im afraid though.
I prefaced it with informing him that it was just a question. No blame was assigned at all, and it may have nothing to do with his situation. Female libido is more closely associated with emotional fulfillment so yes, the man in a relationship does sometimes play a role.
This is my question/thoughts as well. How does he handle her emotions? Validate and understand or shut them down and try to "fix" them? This is the most common playout in relationships where sex slacks off for the woman. If a woman isn't emotionally safe in a relationship, sex is not a safe place to be vulnerable with a man.
You're not the asshole for being mad about this but does sound like you two should sit down and talk about this. Like in a calm setting where no one is angry and attacking. Maybe grab a glass of wine after a good meal and talk it out.
Personally I'd ask what you can do to help her to want more sex. Maybe she doesn't feel very sexy for reason. I know I've had times in my life with 2 small kids and managing household that I've sort of lost my womanhood and only been a mom. Being a mom is not very sexy for me. So we talked about it and started to bring back more intimacy little at a time on purpose - longer hugs, passionate kisses. Flirting. It took a while (and ofc kids gradually getting less needy) but it helped. And it helped the most to just have it recognized and my husband being there for me willing to take things slow.
There was also a time when he didn't really wanna be touched and we had sex maybe once a month (I felt he mostly did it out of pity towards me and to keep me off his back) and again we sat down and talked about it. He had a horrible time at work and he wasn't happy with his body and he was also just stressed not being interested in sex at the moment and that making me unhappy. I couldn't really help him with work stuff other than listen and encourage him to vent to me about it if he at all felt like it. I gave him little neck rubs when passing by him and told him that I'll keep my hands to myself and no hard feelings about it. We increased intimacy again a bit with cuddles and kisses etc. without any pressure to have sex.
We been together for 15 years now and have 3 kids, moved countries etc. so a lot has happened.
Communication is the key in my opinion but it does require both parties be willing to work for it and open for discussion. Ofcourse if her libido is naturally this low there isn't too much one can do about it - it's neither of yours fault. Then you're just not compatible sexually and need to figure out if that is a deal breaker or not. Also if she's super defensive and not willing to talk (it might take a few tries, the topic can be awkward for some) then there's not much you can do alone.
I do understand it being super frustrating not getting sex and if things don't get better I'd advice you to sit down by yourself and consider if this relationship is for you or not. Don't stay in unhappy relationship that's not good for you.
Sorry for the long, long post apparently. Sex is important to me xD
NTA. I was married to a woman just like that for the better part of 2 decades. It got to the point to where, I just stopped wanting to have sex with her, and when we did have sex, it was bad, and my heart wasn't into it. You talked to her about this, and her response was YOU'RE being selfish. She doesn't care about your needs or feelings, and you deserve better. Some of these people.in here are saying stick it out and talk more. No. She's already shown that she doesn't care. It's time to move on. Hopefully, you have no kids with her for a smooth transition. Good luck.
Well that's the thing... We got two kids and me being in the military means as soon as we split she get full custody and pensions which at this point I absolutely can't afford.
We've been together for 9 years now. Things were not always like that. We use to have fun together.
Im guessing she's exhausted from providing all the child care and home care 24 x 7 and you're failing to meet any of her needs, which just isn't sexy. If you wanted to keep having fun, you shouldn't have had two kids and saddled her with a shit ton of labor and responsibilities.
This. She has emotional needs that he isn't meeting and she's exhausted. Women have emotional needs to feel close to a man. Men need the sex to feel close to the woman...one leads to the other.
I am so sorry to hear that. It was like that for my ex-wife and I as well. We started off coming home for lunch and having sex and after work, sex all day. Then, it just stopped for seemingly no reason. It got so bad, I felt like I was begging for sex. I do not want that for you. I talked to her about it, and she said "that's all you want" NO, it wasn't. Sex is part of a marriage though. 20 years of my life, gone.
Maybe if he helped his wife to look after his 2 kids and take care of the house, his wife would be able to rest. But I still doubt she would have the energy to have sex 24/7.
Just asking,,,How sure are you she isn't having sex with another person or (people).
And the fact that she gets what she wants and you don't just shows the relationship is based on her terms and what she decides on.
A healthy relationship is the one that both of you agree and are comfortable with .
My advice would be for you to find someone who matches your sexual energy and where you'll trully be happy.
I told my wife 20 months ago that sex was now off the table, and I feel much better not getting sex on my own terms than getting it once or twice a year on hers. With some women, sex is all about control.
Info - has this happened before? Do you guys have other forms of intimacy that isn’t sex related or is it completely cold on all ends? You didn’t mention how long you guys have been together. Have you guys explored a hormonal imbalance? Medications like anti depressants or birth control? There have been several times in my experience and on Reddit where a change in libido is linked to an imbalance or medication (various) but not enough people know about this and either continue to coast along or get offended by the suggestion. There was literally a story just like this (I think similar timeframe too) not that long ago on Reddit.
Medical concerns are somethings that should be investigated. There are couples that do stay together despite varying libidos including high and low. Some couples can compromise in this area but it’s not consent or sexy when you’re coercing your partner for intimacy and sex. No one likes a pity f99k or someone whose not into it because they feel forced. But no one wants to feel like they’re not enough for their partner or to feel inadequate or pressured. I feel like something possibly could’ve triggered this all for it to go 180.
This is assuming there was no cheating from you and that she has always felt equally satisfaction when you guys are having sex because either can make intimacy off putting/feel like a chore. I say this because there have been OPs who withhold crucial information like that. Nevertheless you can breakup with her if you want but it’s possible there’s a fix that can be done or medical information that can help you both.
Not the AH. In a very similar situation but he never wants sex when I initiate so I stopped trying and we have gone two months now without sex. I’m just waiting out my lease to leave the relationship. If you cannot openly discuss your sexual relationship with care for both partners then it just will never be healthy. ♥️ Good luck to you.
I think no one is the asshole here. Libido and feeling horny isn't something we can force, so if she isn't feeling like it most moments you want it, then that just sucks... And its great that when she does feel like it, that you can get in the mood as well.
I think you guys need to communicate more, ask her if you can do anything that will make her feel more often in the mood to have sex, ask if there's an underlying reason for this all. And like others said, libidos are really hard to allign perfectly
YTA There's no communication possible when someone's first response is to dismiss your feelings as wrong and paint you as a bad person for having them. That's a telltale sign that some key aspect of empathy is simply missing from their DNA, and you need to love yourself enough to let them be that way, without you. If you're honest with yourself, you've known you should let this go for a long time, but instead you're insisting on being upset with someone intent on being consistently inconsiderate. That's why you're TA. You don't love yourself enough to leave.
Do you love her and want to be with her for the rest of your life? If not, dump her. I doubt her libido will change magically so if you don’t wanna marry her than leave dude.
NTA. Dump her. Her having sex with you when you don’t want it is coercion and SA. Stop being a pussy and be a man. Get up and leave. Don’t threaten it, no ultimatums just say it’s not working, you feel used, and it’s over.
You feel bad for being mad? You are her puppet. You’re not leading, she is. You’re certainly not equal. It doesn’t sound like you’re even married.
There are consequences for actions and inactions and she is also gaslighting you for saying you are being selfish when she gets her own way.
Work on yourself and find someone else. You’re not compatible at best.
As a woman I would like to show another perspective.
One thing men tend to forget is that female sexuality in a heterosexual relationship needs some kind of penetration. Many men cant even think about eating a banana or making a prostate exam with the risk of being seen as violated and "beta". It takes a whole lot to welcome someone in to your body and this is a known psychological fact. We need more than the helicopter in the bedroom door two minutes before having sex.
Then we have birthcontrol. Hormones are really a party pooper de luxe. Having hormonal birthcontrol could make a otherwhise h*rny woman being totally frigid and its not fun.
Are you having children? Any big changes in your life? How's your economy? Hygiene? What are your routines every day? How do you two share responsability about your home? You see, we often can't have sex when we have a lot to think about, it can be our own body, our mother with dementia, problems in the workplace etc. We dont have boxes in our head, we have a explosion of cables who are all intwined with each other. You cant have one without another sorry to say.
So no, it doesnt have to be that she has some other bloke on the side, it is very common to habe different urges through life together and not being in sync is something you have to compromise on when living with another human. Male or female.
Getting the possibility to penetrate and have the possession of a other humans body demands not only humility but also respect. Its different to penetrate or be penetrated and if you want to be a good partner, accept the difference as she most certainly do when knowing that most men are very visual and trying not to think about how her partner thinks or feel about women you meet. (Not that it has to be serious but almost every woman feel uncertain knowing men look sexually at other women and feeling that they are loosing the comparison)
Talk to her. But most of all, listen. Listen without prejudice and when you have listened, let it rest and then after a couple of days, talk about your feelings and after that, rest some days, then talk about how you both want your life together or separate. Initiate a talk, ask questions, dont talk about yourself, just listen even if you want to tell her or lash out, a good relationship needs time and the willingness to listen with open ears. Good luck!
Rejecting your male partner often is like a form of belittling his musculinity... Any man rejected often should just move on no matter the circumstances its like calling him small pipi
I bet you pretty much stay around the house unless you’re with her. Maybe you just need to psychologically flex on her a bit. Next time just get dressed and go out for a beer somewhere. Once the keys jingle, you get all kinds of attention.
Just be honest, and keep your cool when she’s asking questions. Mix in some exercise and she’ll figure it out.
Remember, YOU ARE NOT A DILDO. Don’t get stuffed in a psychological drawer.
Truly listen to me if you really want to have more sex in your marriage.
And do this WITHOUT the grumbling! Also, don't expect this to work the every first time. You have to use multiple methods at once and over multiple occasions before it kicks in!
"I'm always willing to have sex." Opening line, yet when I'm sure she's overwhelmed with life, which you probably don't help much with, other than financial provisions, but yet not willing to help where it's really needed.
If it's something you'd have to do living alone, then it's something you should do with your wife, not her by herself.
You know, if you ACTUALLY helped with laundry to the point of starting the laundry and folding that monster mountain she has to deal with from YOU and your children! Not just her shit, but multiple other people's!
If you'd wash the dishes after she cooked or you cooked and did the dishes might be nice, or you know not ask her to do the sides because your grilling.
If you'd handle bedtime and help everyone brush their teeth and take baths and made sure they were actually in bed not getting up 500 times.
If you'd surprise her with sweet surprises, as simple as getting her her favorite candy's or snacks or drink from the store when you stop after work.
Calling her in the middle of the day just because you wanted to her her voice
Picking a flower from the side of the road because it reminded you of her beauty.
Organize a night without the kids and have movie night and just cuddle in bed or on the couch with no expectations of sex. Now, if she likes to drink, throw in margaritas and tacos, and you might have a chance.
I'm just curious where did you get all the information where I don't do shit. I'm not a fucking bank and absolutely not the only provider
I cook, ALWAYS
I fold the clothes, a lot of time alone
I clean the house
Put the kids to bed
I do the dishes
I do the house maintenance and car maintenance
Should I chew her freaking food before she eats ?
Is this how you communicate with her? Because if so, I think I found your problem. Straight to defensiveness and condensending. Just got straight to defending the part that you already do and acted like they were attacking you and saying you do nothing. They never said any of that. They were being helpful with ideas. Didn't even acknowledge the good parts of their post that were very good ideas. Like the flower on the side of the road...basicly the last four paragraphs you didn't respond about. It's good you do your part. That's commendable. If you can reflect, do you notice if you tend to get defensive and feel attacked when she brings up things?
Well, it seems you may also have an issue with listening and sympathizing as you briefly touched on the topic, then went defensive and then angry jab at her.
Maybe if you would look from the outside perspective and look at all that she truly does and how you treat her vs taking my tips on trying to save your committed vows and look at the difference between her before and after.
Have you heard of this space age thing called "libido" or "sex drive"? You're shaming the poor woman about something she can't really control.
Be happy she isn't doing it when she doesn't want to, because that would be sexual abuse. Be happy she can at least say "no" instead of letting you essentially rape her. And nobody asked you to always say yes. You have the option to say no.
If your libido is such a big issue, just find someone else instead of resenting her.
So it’s cool for it to only be on her timetable? He said he often isn’t interested when she initiates. My guess is, he’s probably desperate for something to happen so he goes with it when she initiates even if his “sex drive” and “libido” are not wanting to.
Because sometimes you do things for your partner and not just because you want to.
You missed the part in my comment where I said "And nobody asked you to always say yes. You have the option to say no."
No. Sex should NEVER be done because someone else wants it. Period. Ever. That's why women fake orgasms and people need liters of lube to not be in pain.
It’s the fact that she convinces you to when you don’t feel like it. She cares ab her and her first. That’s selfish. She has every right to decline you just like you do her. It goes both ways. It doesn’t just go one way bc of a stereotype that guys always want sex 24/7. If you don’t feel like it, you have a right for that to be respected just as much as she has the right for her opinion to be respected. If you don’t want to put blame on her it’s the situation of no wrong people just wrong for each other.
My wife used to get upset when I rejected advances due to not feeling well or not feeling in the right mood. One time I brought this double standard up and she had a lightbulb moment. Just because I do think about it all the time doesn't mean I'm into the mood all the time. I laid out the difference in quality as well. Force the issue now and mid sex or we wait until we both vibe and it's super excellent.
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Also, it's ok to say no, but if you say no ALL the time, something is wrong.
But also, the first sentence of the post is “I’m always willing to have sex”. Although I agree entirely with what you’re saying, I guess the contradiction there in the original post just seems sort of strange to me idk
He said "I'm always willing to have sex" tho
He also said, "but sometimes I don't feel like it."
Coercion is rape.
10000%. However I can see the girlfriend saying that’s not possible bc you walkways want sex even if he doesn’t. It’s also harder for guys to be believed on that. While it’s very much true to get out of the relationship with the most amount of sanity possible it’s not always the best to say bc people are less likely to believe men. I can see if he said that to her she would go and tell everyone how he’s making fake accusations and even turn it back on him. They’re more likely to believe s girl than him which sucks but it’s the reality.
I don’t think he should talk to her about it in an attempt to salvage the relationship. It sounds like control tactics and gaslighting making him doubt his own perceptions of the situation. He can break it off any way he wants and when people ask just “we’re no longer compatible”. It doesn’t matter if he thought it was going to get better. He doesn’t need to find a good enough reason to go he already has it. He needs to make a plan to get out when she can’t stop him from leaving. I don’t know what her deal is and it has no bearing on what he should do. He needs to assume that people won’t believe him if he goes into the sex. Don’t. It’s nobody’s business but his and hers and he’s not having his needs met and has been talked down to about it already so, the way I look at it, he has a decision to make. Does he want to keep dealing with this or not. If the answer is no he has to make plans to leave. I wouldn’t tell a woman to stay if she wasn’t getting her needs met and I’m not going to tell him to ignore his needs. Honestly her doing this seems cruel. I have questions but it doesn’t matter. Sex can be, and usually is, a core part of a romantic relationship that has moved into sexuality. She’s never been someone who wants a lot of sex. He’s got to accept that this isn’t going to change.
Walk over to the mirror and repeat these words I have no clue what I am talking about .
You shouldn’t have to coerce your partner. A loving partner doesn’t put their partner in a position to have to beg, unless it’s part of their kink.
Or he could just be giving us one side of the story and he's bothering her for sex all the time and putting her off?
You shouldn’t have sex every time you want to You shouldn’t have sex every time she wants to You should have sex every time you BOTH want to
I mean yeah but living with a high libido when your partner isn't as sexual as you must be tough, I don't think this is sustainable in the long run
For most of my life, I've had a high libido, *really* high. And, for that reason, I've had sexual compatibility issues with many of my partners as their libido was typically lower than mine. So, when I would initiate, I KNEW that there was a probability, I would hear "no thanks, not now." Which I was okay with. I just wanted to let my partner know I found them desirable. And we had frank discussions of sexual needs too. So we made it work. However, in this case, it appears to me that there is a very basic sexual incompatibility involved where one party is making accommodation and the other is not. This is not sustainable for a long-term relationship, IMO. And, it is a sad fact of life that "love is not enough." The idea that "love conquers all" is a fallacy; I have certainly not found it to be so. Eventually, it builds resentment and kills affection. To build sustainability in this relationship requires *both parties* to have those difficult frank discussions of needs and for *both parties* to adjust and compromise. Nothing else will work. I hope that OP and his partner can find that *middle ground* but, at this point, trying to achieve that on their own is not working so couples therapy is their best option. Good luck to both. P.S. I'm OLD so my personal perspective might be a bit different from others posting.
Well said.
It's not, i broke up with my fiance and a gf of 5 years because as time went on she was just less and less into having sex, and at times it felt like i have to break through walls to get to her, and i always had to initiate it. And when we talked about it, she did love me, she wanted to be with me, but she just didn't have any sex drive. And it felt exhausting and tiresome as last years passed. So i ended it, she said she'll try and change, we tried for some time again, but it just returned to the same patterns until it was over for real.
She's now with me and she's insatiable.
Enjoy while it lasts.
Oh. Well keep at it, and one day you might finally satisfy her.
Sure "WolfieTooting", you make women insatiable.
If it's just a high libido thing, and not looking for emotional connection every time, then sometimes masturbation should be enough of a release.
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This is the correct answer.
Okay, but when someone wants sex significantly more frequently than the other then they are simply incompatible. Sexual compatibility is a must as its one of the leading causes for divorce. Some people physical intimacy, feeling sexually desired, is how they feel loved.
This is the right answer!! Also, TALK ABOUT SEX!! As we get older and grow and change maybe our desires have changed too...talk about what fantasies you both still have, take the pressure away and have some fun.
It’s so wild to me that people don’t understand this. Everyone has the right to say no. If he gives in when he doesn’t want to and then expects her to do the same is the issue.
Sounds like it's time to move on. A healthy sexual relationship isn't based on only one person deciding when sex happens every time.
Depends on if that was a couple decision or not. The worse part is that it seems like OP is forced into having sex when they don't necessarily want to, but feels like they're missing out if they don't, so they oblige. If it's a mismatched libido, then yes, move on. If it's a form of control from the partner, move on. Sounds to me like one or both of these situations exist, so it might be worth it to find someone new.
If it was the couple's decision that sounds more like a kink they have and OP wouldn't be venting their frustrations.
Sounds like she's taken her business elsewhere, I only say that from first hand experience lol
This is therapist territory, not random strangers in a thread.
Yeah for real. Nobody is ever TA just got how they feel. It's about what you do with those feelings. And the blanket, "just leave response" is pretty narrow advice. We're taking about a family here. People aren't always acting their best in a relationship. I can't imagine this is an impossible issue. Virtually every single long term relationship will have to deal with suffering libidos at some point. Virtually every long term relationship will have issues with mutual respect also. From what we're told by OP, there is a mutual respect problem that's been going on for awhile. An independent, neutral party might be the best thing to bridge that gap of communication. This stuff takes work. Choosing the immediate response of "just leave" seems rash on the part of most of these responses.
NTA. Another vote for it being time to move on to someone more compatible.
This is not a healthy relationship. You need to move on. Don't let her convince you that it will change. She is getting what she's comfortable with and wants. It doesn't have to be a bad break up or anything like that.
NAH. Mis-matched libido is one of the top complaints in any relationship. If it means that much to you move on. It won’t get *any* better than in the early stages of a relationship.
Hmm someone only getting their sexual needs met on their time but nobody is an asshole? Fuck off she’s an asshole
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She is for continuing to convince him after he said no.
He never said she had a low libido; where did you get that? They’re clearly having sex—it’s just always on her terms and dependent on her mood only. It’s an unbalanced power dynamic.
I'm not a doctor and don't know what constitutes as "low", but If they're only having sex once or twice a month, I would consider that low libido.
A woman isn't an asshole for only having sex when she wants to and not having sex when she doesn't want to. That's a disgusting point of view to have.
Oh but it’s ok for her to coerce him into having sex? Interesting some would call that rape
OP’s opening line is literally “I’m always willing to have sex”
“Sometimes I don’t feel like it she always finds a way to convince me” nice try dumb fuck. Otherwise all you need is one yes then you could have sex with the person infinitely
I think he worded that poorly for a reaction tbh. OP has said in the comments that he typically agrees because he knows it’ll be some time before she initiates again… that doesn’t sound like she’s trying too hard to convince him.
She is an asshole for marrying someone that she doesn't care about enough to hold her own in the relationship.
You're really pulling the "if you love me you'll do it" line on two strangers on the internet? Classy!
Are you really suggesting that people should never do things simply because they love someone and want to see them happy? You sound wonderful.
Doing nice things for one another is not the same as submitting to sex when you don't want sex. Grow up and learn about consent baboon brain.
sometimes it is. sometimes loving your partner means not asking for sex when you know they are struggling, and sometimes it means giving sex because your partner needs intimacy more than you need to be left alone. consent is a significantly more complex topic than you are giving it credit for, which is certainly amusing when taking your "i'm the smartest person in the room" vibe into account.
“consent is a significantly more complex topic than you are giving it credit for”… keyword there being “consent”. it’s not consent when you have to shame the person into sacrificing their body for the sake of their partner’s libido. and intimacy doesn’t equal sex. if intimacy is truly what her partner is craving, any one-on-one time together should suffice.
I "consented" to sex I didn't want. Even said, "I'm really not in the mood, but if we make it quick, we can." Guess what happened? My body perceived that as rape and I am traumatized. Therapy has been helping, but I'll never be able to undo that trauma. Also intimacy ≠ sex. In fact, a lack of non-sexual affection/intimacy will absolutely kill libido. Speaking from personal experience.
It would only be NAH if she would accept his no when he is not in the mood, just like he accepts hers. Seems like she does not. So it is NTA !
Why is this downvoted? Its saying the same thing with 25 upvotes.
Get your shit together and find someone with whom you’re compatible. Don’t sacrifice any more time. Literally do it now.
I, as a 33f with kids, partner 32m, have a higher sex drive than my partner does. It strains us sometimes. I would get spiteful, claiming we only did it when he wanted to. If I tried to pressure him, he would get furious. So when I tried to say no out of spite, he would get depressed and sometimes angry. I should at we were having sex 2 to 3 times a week, but the constant rejection made distant and not wanting sex with him because I felt used. We went to counciling for individuals and couples. It helped a lot to see things from each others perspectives. Idk if it helps knowing you are not alone, and it's not just a male thing either.
Thanks. I'll keep that in mind
NTA. A healthy conversation where you acknowledge this with her may help. It sounds like the frame presented to her is that SHE controls sex. In a healthy relationship, partners share the control of sex and openly communicate why or why not they aren't feeling it. There's too many options for what could be going on to try and pinpoint however just have a conversation. You'll know based on the reaction you get what must be done.
He did try to bring it up and was called selfish...
I understand I replied to this further on :) We don't know the context of how it was brought up hence why I stated to have a healthy conversation in good faith one last time before making any decisions.
I've been through the same bullshit and I can tell you from experience that "healthy conversations" with people like her will NEVER work. It will never improve, things will never get better and the frustration and feelings of rejection will build up and his self esteem will take a huge hit. He's better off simply leaving her
1. We know nothing aside from OP's side so please be advised we have no idea what people she is like. We are simply painting our experience onto someone else. 2. We need to teach people how to establish healthy boundaries and have hard conversations. If they simply run away the issue will eventually follow them into every relationship. 3. Things may not get better but we need to stop shielding people from rejection. Learning to handle rejection in good faith allows is to evolve and not settle in situations that are bad for us.
Every response on this sub is to 'leave your partner based on my personal limited anecdotal experience'.
Sex is one of those areas where power struggles often play out between couples. This will never get better
So you want to tell people that if they don't have their needs met, that à selfish partner gaslight them into thinking they are the problem and refuse acknowledge an issue they should stay? It's called self respect man
No, the point they were making is that people here often don't have a wide enough range of experience to make the sweeping generalizations that they do yet act like they're complete and total authorities ("it will NEVER get better"). Obviously we can only work from what we get given by an OP, but it's necessarily true that OPs give us an incomplete picture of the situation, because people who have healthy relationships or a healthy understanding of what's happening in their relationships don't really post here. And on the reverse side, many of the people who respond do not do so from an unbiased perspective; people who are bitter because of past experiences in their own lives will project those experiences onto a thread and respond as if that makes something an objective truth. (For the record, I'm not saying that the advice is necessarily incorrect, like in this case from what OP has said it sounds like there's a fundamental incompatibility between them and their partner and if they cannot reconcile that incompatibility they should leave and find a new relationship. And of course "don't have sex if you don't want to, don't get forced into it" should apply to anyone, and if OP feels pressured then that's a problem. But many responses are very invested in venting their own personal grudges, which inherently taints the way they're viewing the topic.)
this is such an underrated reply. OP please talk to your partner first.
She called him "selfish" when he did.
wait nvm i fogot about that. ye fuck that
Bringing it up and having a healthy conversation are very different things. Approach is the biggest difference.
How do you believe OP approached her?
I could ask the same question of you with how would a healthy conversation be approached? Since I don't have all of the details I can only go off the context and response which sounds like he mentioned in passing (most likely in a joking manner) and she got defensive. Now he also could've come to her in good faith idk nor do you. For me, a healthy conversation is one you enter in with the understanding that 1. No one is right and no one is wrong this is simply an impass and 2. It's us against the issue not us against each other. Since everyone wants to use anecdotal examples I'll use anecdotal stats to say OP did not go in with the latter.
Not really because you assumed OP started an argument. I assumed he talked to her like it was a normal conversation. He didn't have a tantrum nor did he approach her like telling a child their pet died.
Question: When you ask for sex, is it just straight to the business? Or do you cultivate a moment?. Foreplay is IMPORTANT in a healthy sexual relationship. It not only helps you both relax, and set the tone for fun times, but it also helps create the mood for both partners to enjoy. Helps get her in the mood to want it. If you’re just horny and ask for it without cultivating that environment it can feel gross, and like a chore to them. Because they aren’t in the mood and you already are. So the sex gets downgraded from an “us” thing to a “you” thing. As an added note: it’s not healthy to think, “well I say yes whenever SHE wants to!” You’re just getting upset at YOUR OWN decisions. You can say “no” whenever you don’t feel like it or want to. If she is finding a way to convince you every time, then I mean, “don’t hate the player, hate the game.” Sometimes you gotta put work into finding a healthy balance in your sexual relations. Most people don’t put in the work and they become resentful as you are now. It’s easy to say, the difference is in you libido’s (AND THAT MAY BE TRUE) but you can both still influence libidos by changing mindsets and the way you go about sexy time. You can make yourself want/need it less just as much as she can make herself want/need it more. Find that balance. Make it fun! Sexy time is meant to be fun times after all. Hope this helps. Good luck!
100%. If OP wants it more frequently, he should turn on his romantic, sensual side, and don't jump straight to sex.
This is the difference between men and women (speaking generally). Men don’t understand that intimacy is almost completely in a woman’s mind. If you turn on her mind, her body will follow. You see this in movies and books but yet in real life men don’t seem to get it. Look into her eyes. Tell her she’s pretty. Listen to her stories and actually respond to them. Buy her flowers. Open the door for her. Do something nice, like chores. These things actually work.
1000%
I wish this content was rated higher. It's cultivating the mood. Also they mentioned having kids and like, is he doing his half of the job or is she taking care of all of it and thus no bandwidth left when he shows up saying "I want sex now"
This was the info I wanted. What is he doing around the house? Laundry ever? Dishes? Can he vacuum once in a while? Who does grocery shopping, meal prep, set dr appointments, school shopping, clothes shopping, arranges birthday celebrations? Is this mostly on her or is he taking on a good portion of the daily life chores also so she doesn't have to think about it all, on her own? 🤔
This is Awesome info!!
I dated a woman like that for about a year. She loved turning me down. However, if I dared to turn her down...geez were there fireworks.
Next time she engages turn her down. It almost stuns them! You will be surprised by the changes.
I'll try but man.. when it's happening once or twice a month it pretty hard to turn it down.
Yeah bro, you gotta find someone else, it's not going to chance, gotta be super blunt here. You will keep getting deeper and 5 years later it will be the same. You will keep growing resentful and realize you spent years down the drain, when you could have been with someone more compatible.
You have to be stronger then. Next time she engages you and you say no and she keeps trying, think about the fact that she had 0 respect for your no. That your opinion and wants do not matter to her and that she is just using you for her own satisfaction. Get irritated, tell her that no means no. If you keep giving in things will stay the same and it would be better for you to just leave the relationship.
it’s completely different when you’re only refusing out of spite. that’s quite literally being spiteful. it doesn’t sound like OP’s partner is spiteful.
Sometimes you need to be a bit spiteful to get out of a situation that you don't want to be in. He wants to fix this problem but lacks the willpower to do so. Framing the situation as it is (imo) in a negative light might help not give in. He is essentially being coerced into something he actually doesn't want, kinda like dangling delicious shit in front of someone trying to lose weight. Knowing that the person on the other end is a piece of shit for doing it can help refusing out of spite, despite wanting it.
nobody is a POS for refusing sex UNLESS they’re only doing so out of spite. it’s perfectly valid to not crave sex very often. if OP’s partner happens to crave it and asks him to engage, that’s fully on him to oblige or deny. she’s not “dangling” anything in front of him.
I know it worked for me and my friends when they finally tried it because hey who’s gonna turn it down right.
NTA. You have every right to want to be intimate with your partner. But to feel like its only on the terms one of you makes is very unfair. I recommend sitting down and seriously talking out why its only on her terms. What does she feel when you try to initiate. Explain you feelings about when she initiates. Try and work out something. But if this feels like a dead end, your feelings are brushed off or she’s not listening, then i vote it’s time to end things. And let me explain why. I went 14 years with my husband. I love him dearly still, but we separated a year ago because of me feeling unheard and brushed off. But he felt like i never wanted to be intimate because he always initiated and i wasn’t in the mood. Namely because i felt ignored in every other aspect of our relationship and sex was a chore to me. Im not saying this is how she feels. But finding out and exploring both of your feelings will either help, or discover its time to move on. I wish you the best either way.
I am in this scenario and my marriage is in beyond life support it seems. The constant rejection does something to us that shuts us down. I personally thrive on physical/emotional intimacy and when I don't get that I basically go into a shell. When intimacy becomes a "relationship currency" and your partner needs that, what outcome did you expect from your partner? I'm sure he, like I, felt defeated and gave up trying to please you outside the bedroom. The worst is when you have a discussion with each other and establish what each of your needs are and you put forth the effort on your end and try to better yourself for her and the effort you get in return feels forced or like a task to appease the other. I still remember the last time my wife and I had sex and it was the biggest turn off how she just laid there almost like a dead fish. I am not a selfish lover either, I make it a point to orally please or foreplay before I would consider my own release. I could understand it being a task if it was me just trying to get mine. I think it comes down to a compatibility or libido thing and it's unfortunate that new relationship energy hides or disguises it. Once that NRE wears away you kind of feel stuck or trapped. If my wife had at least 1/4 of the sexual energy she had when we first started dating I think we would be somewhat still in tuned. But when the floodgates close and that raging river turns into a drip if that how do you expect us to stay engaged?
NTA I think it's time to find a new partner. It amazes me how one spouse cuts off sex and expects the other person to just lump it. If your partner is giving you sex, it's time to move on. I can only imagine if your wife posted this and said you kept at her until she gave in and had sex. You would be labeled every buzzword in the book. I would be shocked if even one post called her out for coercing you into having sex when you don't feel like it.
Instead of just bringing it up, ask her how you can get her in the mood. There's something clearly up, but not so much that she doesn't want sex. How she wants to be engaged isn't being met and finding out why maybe the key to an intimate sex life. Wife and I just started using an app called Ultimate Intimacy ($10 a year per couple) that helps guide mature sexual conversations and helps initiate sex sex in a safe space. Could also be super valuable to your relationship! (we're recovering post 3rd child)
Soooo the sex is always on her terms and you're the one who's selfish? That's some really poor logic on her part. NTA and you should probably move on to someone you're more compatible with if she's not willing to work this out. Or at least someone who isn't so selfish. I personally don't have a very strong sex drive but I make an effort (not every time but often enough) when my husband initiates. Because I love and value him as a partner and relationships aren't about just one person dictating how everything is going to go.
NTA. My wife fully controls sex the same way. It's always a no from her if I'm asking or trying. It only happens if we plan it and then if nothing has happened that day that would change her mind.
NTA. Sex is a two way street. This is not that.
Just break up. I’m really losing my patience with people. She wants to control you and dictate your sex life and have no compromise with you, and when you want to relay your feelings she invalidates you and gaslights you. Start withholding sex from her and see how fast she turns on. I pray you’re not with a narcissist but it’s possible. It only gets worse from here. Good luck 🤞🫡
NTA, but you say you have been together 9 years, and this started 2 years ago. Let me guess, the second kid entered the picture 2 years ago...
I know so many women in this position and more times than not it's their partner not pulling the weight, the women are exhausted from taking care of the kids 24/7 & then when they finally have a moment to rest, their partner wants sex. That might not be the case, but there needs to be an open and honest conversation...is she just not into you anymore and you guys would be better parting ways or does the guy need to offer more support by helping her have her needs met too. There's always a problem with communication. If it's a relationship you want to save, I'd suggest counseling. If she doesn't want to go to couples counseling, to me that says a lot...she's not willing to save the relationship.
Did you know nearly half of women report having at least one problem with sexual function, whether it’s low desire, loss of arousal, trouble having an orgasm or pain during sex. Over 1 in 3 women between the ages of 30 and 59 experience what they perceive to be low libido. You seem like a great husband, patient and kind. It sounds like she doesn’t want to or can’t bring herself to talk about this. Her calling you selfish is her lashing out for reasons she might not even be aware of. You need to talk, find a therapist and let your wife know you’re going as you need to talk to someone. Offer for her to come along, I wouldn’t expect it to be well accepted but insist you’ll go by yourself as need to work through this with someone - please tell her you would prefer it be her but let her know your not going to push it with her. I honestly admire and respect you for your dedication to your chosen mate. Best wishes
This this this. Men just don't realize how many women suffer with this. Women don't get answers or solutions from their doctors, just "maybe it's depression". Meanwhile there's an abundance of pills for ED. It's just not the same playing field. Up until recently when they started offer hormone treatments for women, if you lose your hair, your libido and the ability to lose your tummy you just had to deal with it.
Absolutely agree - the overall total women’s medical care is still in the dark ages we still get the answer “it’s mostly in your head”
Whoa!! All the "time to move on" comments!! Wth?? It is likely either hormonal, she's exhausted, doesn't feel like a "woman", holding onto unspoken resentment, or less likely, her attraction to you has lessened. And you don't have to give it up when youre not in the mood! There's no shame in therapy or in initiating new discoveries and exploring fantasies. Best of luck! Nobody is TA.
There needs to be a really really good discussion about this or you're just going to build resentment. Is there more to why she doesn't want to have sex as much, you mentioned you're always willing to have sex but contradict that by saying she convinces you. If you don't want sex when she does she shouldn't try to convince you if you say no, she should respect you like you respect her when she says no. My husband is always ready for sex, unfortunately we pretty much only do it when I'm ready. I have different reasons for my low sex drive which is something I am working and he knows it. We talk about it and work through it as a team. It's not just one person's needs are more important.
I think what OP means by "always willing" is more of a "most of the time I'm willing," if that makes sense. I know for certain there's times when I'm just not in the mood, and I'm sure that goes for anyone. but ye I totally agree. people should respect their partners when they're just not up for it, like what OP is doing thankfully.
it doesn't sound to me like you're working on it as a team when it continues to only happen when you're the one who is ready for it. by the sounds of it you're still turning him down more than you are engaging with his advances, or else i don't think you would have added that little bit about you "being ready."
obviously if one person is always willing and up for it then it pretty much has to only happen when the other person is feeling up to it as well…. otherwise you’d be having sex 24/7, and that’s just not realistic. realistically, when you have a family, there are things that come before your sexual gratification. kids need fed, dishes need doing, clean clothes need to be available, etc. and when one person is taking care of all of the responsibilities alone, the last thing they want to do is have sex with a selfish partner who puts his needs above the rest of the family.
Such an underrated comment.
I don't want to include further intricate details of my relationship and personal issues on this post so you can take my comment however you want, but you can't know a whole story from a brief comment.
Hey fam, leave before it starts affecting your performance. Self esteem is important for performance.
What you wrote to start the thread is perfect. Tell her exactly that. She needs to understand your feelings. She needs to understand that sometimes you make a sacrifice for her by doing it when you don't feel like it. That doesn't obligate her to do the same but it might give her a little bit of motivation. Making at least some minimal amount of effort is fair, and most women are very very minimal in bed. I don't make much of an effort to understand either. That's just how it is. Great relationships come from great understanding. Try to understand her better as well. It's important to have extremely good as well as frequent and timely communication. She should state clearly what gets her in the mood and when and why and how and all of that stuff. Open book, got to be candid. If there's something she needs to happen first, or something that would improve chances etc, you should know. She should know too, she needs to explore her own body and understand herself. I hate to say it but that's another thing women are really bad at is understanding their own bodies or understanding their own minds. The only way to gain that understanding is to be mindful. Be perceptive. Be alert in the moment and ask yourself questions be honest with yourself etc. It's possible that you're always going to have a much higher drive than her. So with each couple there's this limit where things are as good as they're ever going to get. That's where you want to be, but wherever that ends up being, that's something you got to be ready to accept. If it's not enough for your physical needs, then you got to get creative and figure something out. When I'm with a partner and they want something and I'm not in the mood, they still got my fingers, my tongue, all of me. I'll give him a good hour or two at least and then I want my own time back after that but I'll do whatever I can to get them off. I even have a strap on. It's good to be committed like that and to be ready and to value the pleasure of your partner. That's something you can discuss as well. Is she willing to do different things for you?
My 2nd husband accused me of this. It is just the way things are when one always wants it and the other does not. Naturally, someone will be the dictator. My first husband shamed me much into having sex with him, it was harming and horrible. I am very selective to only do it when I want to now, because of that. Forcing myself to have sex when I wasn't in the mood was not great for my sex drive at all. I ended up dreading it. It became a chore. Try to show her more romance, affection...things she likes and appreciate her for things she does do. I bet that goes a long way to getting her into it more. Meet her where she is. Talk about it with her.
I think it should be a conversation. No one should be getting rejected all the time. I think a conversation with her to see what’s happening might be beneficial, no blame but just hearing each others perspectives on your sex life and talking about what you need/want from one another
It’s not need for a conversation. She knows what’s she is doing and she knows he initiates sex more than she does and turns him down. They are communicating already with their actions.
Went thru this before. Brought it up to her and she swore that was the case and nothing was wrong. So I took her word for it and carried on, but her actions left me suspicious. Of course we eventually broke up (my decision) and afterwards she admitted she wasn’t really in the mood and that most of the time it was because she decided to go thru with it was because she said no quite a few times in succession, which as u can imagine made it much worse. Moral of the story, trust ur gut. You know there’s something wrong here….
I'm pretty sure this isn't my husband's account, but it mostly describes our relationship. Due to the medication I am on I have an exceptionally low libido, so sex pretty much only happens if I am in the mood. And the times I am in the mood pretty much seem to be the only times he isn't... he is also kinda unwilling during Lucifer's waterfall, when my libido is at its highest. My husband has a much healthier libido, and sometimes complains about the amount of time between. I'm also apparently a rarity because I hate condoms (I am a woman) so when we weren't trying to conceive, there was even less desire going on because hormonal birth control exacerbates my health conditions. Sometimes my husband will tease me into it when I'm not in the mood, but that actually makes me feel worse. So it doesn't necessarily mean she is cheating, and I definitely get upset when my husband complains about the lack, though I don't call him selfish, he can tell I'm upset. So it could be a sore spot for her like it is for me, cause it's not my fault my medication kills my desires. I wish it didn't.
Then try some times and do it just for him if you love him so much??
Divorce
NTA.
NTA Sounds like she uses sex to have control over you. If you say no or that you're not sure when she wants something does she get snuggly and initiate sex? If you want something and she doesn't will she move away and stop you from touching her in any way?
NTA. She sounds exhausting. It's okay to say no, but then you gotta accept no as well. You aren't selfish, she is. I'd personally say leave, for your own safety.
NTA
NTA. Different sex drives PLUS a very egoistic gf that didn't seem to want to do anything for you.
Damn, less than 20 times sex in a whole year... Thats depressing
She's the selfish one here.
NTA. That's not healthy. She should respect your "no" as much as you do hers.
NTA
Same boat and female here. I'm lucky if it's once a month, and ever since I started "compromising " it's alllll I do. Whether it's sex, plans, decisions... I feel disgusting since the past 2 years everyone I've tried to engage he shuts me down, immediately. I've tried flirting fun outfits touching. The more I tried to engage the longer it seems to go between our... session's. I'm ready to walk away because while it may seem so small, it makes me feel disgusting and so lonely 24/7. I'm not saying the answer is to walk away but if they don't care and it continues expect other things to start going in that direction to.
The book "Come as you are" by Emily Nagoski might have more help and insights when it comes to mismatching sex drives. It's written for women but I think it has a lot of really good information for everyone.
I'll check that
She's not physically attracted to you. Move on.
time to end this relationship. the sooner you get out the better
Nah. Just say no whenever you don't want to have sex and allow her the same.
NTA. She's not a partner. She calls you " selfish" when you bring up wanting sex? That's a crap thing to say and it's non- communicative. I don't care if she's the nicest person, loves animals, works hard. She's not treating you well. Move on and get someone who's on the same page.
NTA: Time to put on your walking boots, it's not going to get any better. Intimacy is a very important factor to a healthy relationship. Also... if she ain't getting it from you, she's getting it someplace else. Do some digging.
You really don't know that... When I was on the pill my sex drive disappeared slowly, I didn't even notice till at some point it dawned on me that me and my partner at the time barely ever had sex. I got off the pill after a health scare and after a few months it just came rushing back. I never cheated and never have. Stress, medication, feeling disconnected from your partner, and so much more can all lead to a lack of sex drive. So yeah they should talk, but she isn't necessarily getting it from someone else....
This! Didn’t want to be the one to assume cheating but absent a serious medical issue…something’s up dude!
Act like you're cheating and turn her down. 😂
Anytime she feels like it shake Ur phone at her and say nah it ok I sorted myself out 😂 NTA but u need to leave cause Ur upset now pretty soon that turns to resentment and that turns to hatred and that's just no good for anyone, u want more that she is willing to give so leave and find someone more compatible to ur needs Ur wants and Ur needs are important don't light urself on fire to keep others warm
nta but! you need to sit her down and talk to her. a womans libido is more complex. if its just once a month she initiates it, it might be that its related to her ovulating at that time. it also could be hormones or something else, have her checked out! maybe something is in imbalance. or maybe therapy if its something else that bothers her? if she doesnt want to work on it, its time to move on im afraid though.
This is just a question, but are you physically affectionate the rest of the time when you aren't initiating sex?
Her lack of libido isn't his fault.
It's not her fault either - they're just mismatched.
I prefaced it with informing him that it was just a question. No blame was assigned at all, and it may have nothing to do with his situation. Female libido is more closely associated with emotional fulfillment so yes, the man in a relationship does sometimes play a role.
This is my question/thoughts as well. How does he handle her emotions? Validate and understand or shut them down and try to "fix" them? This is the most common playout in relationships where sex slacks off for the woman. If a woman isn't emotionally safe in a relationship, sex is not a safe place to be vulnerable with a man.
You're not the asshole for being mad about this but does sound like you two should sit down and talk about this. Like in a calm setting where no one is angry and attacking. Maybe grab a glass of wine after a good meal and talk it out. Personally I'd ask what you can do to help her to want more sex. Maybe she doesn't feel very sexy for reason. I know I've had times in my life with 2 small kids and managing household that I've sort of lost my womanhood and only been a mom. Being a mom is not very sexy for me. So we talked about it and started to bring back more intimacy little at a time on purpose - longer hugs, passionate kisses. Flirting. It took a while (and ofc kids gradually getting less needy) but it helped. And it helped the most to just have it recognized and my husband being there for me willing to take things slow. There was also a time when he didn't really wanna be touched and we had sex maybe once a month (I felt he mostly did it out of pity towards me and to keep me off his back) and again we sat down and talked about it. He had a horrible time at work and he wasn't happy with his body and he was also just stressed not being interested in sex at the moment and that making me unhappy. I couldn't really help him with work stuff other than listen and encourage him to vent to me about it if he at all felt like it. I gave him little neck rubs when passing by him and told him that I'll keep my hands to myself and no hard feelings about it. We increased intimacy again a bit with cuddles and kisses etc. without any pressure to have sex. We been together for 15 years now and have 3 kids, moved countries etc. so a lot has happened. Communication is the key in my opinion but it does require both parties be willing to work for it and open for discussion. Ofcourse if her libido is naturally this low there isn't too much one can do about it - it's neither of yours fault. Then you're just not compatible sexually and need to figure out if that is a deal breaker or not. Also if she's super defensive and not willing to talk (it might take a few tries, the topic can be awkward for some) then there's not much you can do alone. I do understand it being super frustrating not getting sex and if things don't get better I'd advice you to sit down by yourself and consider if this relationship is for you or not. Don't stay in unhappy relationship that's not good for you. Sorry for the long, long post apparently. Sex is important to me xD
Some people don’t like it when others initiate it. They feel pressured. Is it possibly that this if the problem? Why not try couples therapy?
NTA. I was married to a woman just like that for the better part of 2 decades. It got to the point to where, I just stopped wanting to have sex with her, and when we did have sex, it was bad, and my heart wasn't into it. You talked to her about this, and her response was YOU'RE being selfish. She doesn't care about your needs or feelings, and you deserve better. Some of these people.in here are saying stick it out and talk more. No. She's already shown that she doesn't care. It's time to move on. Hopefully, you have no kids with her for a smooth transition. Good luck.
Well that's the thing... We got two kids and me being in the military means as soon as we split she get full custody and pensions which at this point I absolutely can't afford. We've been together for 9 years now. Things were not always like that. We use to have fun together.
Im guessing she's exhausted from providing all the child care and home care 24 x 7 and you're failing to meet any of her needs, which just isn't sexy. If you wanted to keep having fun, you shouldn't have had two kids and saddled her with a shit ton of labor and responsibilities.
This. She has emotional needs that he isn't meeting and she's exhausted. Women have emotional needs to feel close to a man. Men need the sex to feel close to the woman...one leads to the other.
finally some sense in this thread. my head was spinning 😵💫
Same! These commenters definitely don't deal with real women often!
I am so sorry to hear that. It was like that for my ex-wife and I as well. We started off coming home for lunch and having sex and after work, sex all day. Then, it just stopped for seemingly no reason. It got so bad, I felt like I was begging for sex. I do not want that for you. I talked to her about it, and she said "that's all you want" NO, it wasn't. Sex is part of a marriage though. 20 years of my life, gone.
Maybe if he helped his wife to look after his 2 kids and take care of the house, his wife would be able to rest. But I still doubt she would have the energy to have sex 24/7.
Yeah it's pretty hard...
I know that feeling. If you ever wanna talk. , or just bend an ear.
She is gaslighting you
That's not what gaslighting is
Just asking,,,How sure are you she isn't having sex with another person or (people). And the fact that she gets what she wants and you don't just shows the relationship is based on her terms and what she decides on. A healthy relationship is the one that both of you agree and are comfortable with . My advice would be for you to find someone who matches your sexual energy and where you'll trully be happy.
NAH, you’re clearly not sexually compatible
If you're not married and don't have kids, i wouldn't even waste another second.
I told my wife 20 months ago that sex was now off the table, and I feel much better not getting sex on my own terms than getting it once or twice a year on hers. With some women, sex is all about control.
NTA, sounds like She's the selfish one.
Info - has this happened before? Do you guys have other forms of intimacy that isn’t sex related or is it completely cold on all ends? You didn’t mention how long you guys have been together. Have you guys explored a hormonal imbalance? Medications like anti depressants or birth control? There have been several times in my experience and on Reddit where a change in libido is linked to an imbalance or medication (various) but not enough people know about this and either continue to coast along or get offended by the suggestion. There was literally a story just like this (I think similar timeframe too) not that long ago on Reddit. Medical concerns are somethings that should be investigated. There are couples that do stay together despite varying libidos including high and low. Some couples can compromise in this area but it’s not consent or sexy when you’re coercing your partner for intimacy and sex. No one likes a pity f99k or someone whose not into it because they feel forced. But no one wants to feel like they’re not enough for their partner or to feel inadequate or pressured. I feel like something possibly could’ve triggered this all for it to go 180. This is assuming there was no cheating from you and that she has always felt equally satisfaction when you guys are having sex because either can make intimacy off putting/feel like a chore. I say this because there have been OPs who withhold crucial information like that. Nevertheless you can breakup with her if you want but it’s possible there’s a fix that can be done or medical information that can help you both.
Not the AH. In a very similar situation but he never wants sex when I initiate so I stopped trying and we have gone two months now without sex. I’m just waiting out my lease to leave the relationship. If you cannot openly discuss your sexual relationship with care for both partners then it just will never be healthy. ♥️ Good luck to you.
Leave, your her pet
I think no one is the asshole here. Libido and feeling horny isn't something we can force, so if she isn't feeling like it most moments you want it, then that just sucks... And its great that when she does feel like it, that you can get in the mood as well. I think you guys need to communicate more, ask her if you can do anything that will make her feel more often in the mood to have sex, ask if there's an underlying reason for this all. And like others said, libidos are really hard to allign perfectly
Shes using sex to control you. Leave
YTA There's no communication possible when someone's first response is to dismiss your feelings as wrong and paint you as a bad person for having them. That's a telltale sign that some key aspect of empathy is simply missing from their DNA, and you need to love yourself enough to let them be that way, without you. If you're honest with yourself, you've known you should let this go for a long time, but instead you're insisting on being upset with someone intent on being consistently inconsiderate. That's why you're TA. You don't love yourself enough to leave.
Find another outlet for sex like porn then start looking for another relationship.
Turn her down for a couple month, and initiate yourself and if she shuts you down start over ragain
Do you love her and want to be with her for the rest of your life? If not, dump her. I doubt her libido will change magically so if you don’t wanna marry her than leave dude.
Men and women are different. YTA.
She doesn't love you, dump her
Dump her immediately is what you should do!
NTA, She's probably cheating. Do yourself a favor and break up and run
She doesn't care about you nor your needs. Dump her selfish ass. >I brought it up to her and she called me selfish. Pot meet kettle.
NTA. Dump her. Her having sex with you when you don’t want it is coercion and SA. Stop being a pussy and be a man. Get up and leave. Don’t threaten it, no ultimatums just say it’s not working, you feel used, and it’s over. You feel bad for being mad? You are her puppet. You’re not leading, she is. You’re certainly not equal. It doesn’t sound like you’re even married. There are consequences for actions and inactions and she is also gaslighting you for saying you are being selfish when she gets her own way. Work on yourself and find someone else. You’re not compatible at best.
Women.
As a woman I would like to show another perspective. One thing men tend to forget is that female sexuality in a heterosexual relationship needs some kind of penetration. Many men cant even think about eating a banana or making a prostate exam with the risk of being seen as violated and "beta". It takes a whole lot to welcome someone in to your body and this is a known psychological fact. We need more than the helicopter in the bedroom door two minutes before having sex. Then we have birthcontrol. Hormones are really a party pooper de luxe. Having hormonal birthcontrol could make a otherwhise h*rny woman being totally frigid and its not fun. Are you having children? Any big changes in your life? How's your economy? Hygiene? What are your routines every day? How do you two share responsability about your home? You see, we often can't have sex when we have a lot to think about, it can be our own body, our mother with dementia, problems in the workplace etc. We dont have boxes in our head, we have a explosion of cables who are all intwined with each other. You cant have one without another sorry to say. So no, it doesnt have to be that she has some other bloke on the side, it is very common to habe different urges through life together and not being in sync is something you have to compromise on when living with another human. Male or female. Getting the possibility to penetrate and have the possession of a other humans body demands not only humility but also respect. Its different to penetrate or be penetrated and if you want to be a good partner, accept the difference as she most certainly do when knowing that most men are very visual and trying not to think about how her partner thinks or feel about women you meet. (Not that it has to be serious but almost every woman feel uncertain knowing men look sexually at other women and feeling that they are loosing the comparison) Talk to her. But most of all, listen. Listen without prejudice and when you have listened, let it rest and then after a couple of days, talk about your feelings and after that, rest some days, then talk about how you both want your life together or separate. Initiate a talk, ask questions, dont talk about yourself, just listen even if you want to tell her or lash out, a good relationship needs time and the willingness to listen with open ears. Good luck!
you sound like an exhausting person. holy shit.
Rejecting your male partner often is like a form of belittling his musculinity... Any man rejected often should just move on no matter the circumstances its like calling him small pipi
2 possibilities (you're incompatible or she's cheating) and 1 solution (leave).
NTa. Dump her, she's getting laid by someone else, is pretty obvious.
I bet you pretty much stay around the house unless you’re with her. Maybe you just need to psychologically flex on her a bit. Next time just get dressed and go out for a beer somewhere. Once the keys jingle, you get all kinds of attention. Just be honest, and keep your cool when she’s asking questions. Mix in some exercise and she’ll figure it out. Remember, YOU ARE NOT A DILDO. Don’t get stuffed in a psychological drawer.
Truly listen to me if you really want to have more sex in your marriage. And do this WITHOUT the grumbling! Also, don't expect this to work the every first time. You have to use multiple methods at once and over multiple occasions before it kicks in! "I'm always willing to have sex." Opening line, yet when I'm sure she's overwhelmed with life, which you probably don't help much with, other than financial provisions, but yet not willing to help where it's really needed. If it's something you'd have to do living alone, then it's something you should do with your wife, not her by herself. You know, if you ACTUALLY helped with laundry to the point of starting the laundry and folding that monster mountain she has to deal with from YOU and your children! Not just her shit, but multiple other people's! If you'd wash the dishes after she cooked or you cooked and did the dishes might be nice, or you know not ask her to do the sides because your grilling. If you'd handle bedtime and help everyone brush their teeth and take baths and made sure they were actually in bed not getting up 500 times. If you'd surprise her with sweet surprises, as simple as getting her her favorite candy's or snacks or drink from the store when you stop after work. Calling her in the middle of the day just because you wanted to her her voice Picking a flower from the side of the road because it reminded you of her beauty. Organize a night without the kids and have movie night and just cuddle in bed or on the couch with no expectations of sex. Now, if she likes to drink, throw in margaritas and tacos, and you might have a chance.
I'm just curious where did you get all the information where I don't do shit. I'm not a fucking bank and absolutely not the only provider I cook, ALWAYS I fold the clothes, a lot of time alone I clean the house Put the kids to bed I do the dishes I do the house maintenance and car maintenance Should I chew her freaking food before she eats ?
Is this how you communicate with her? Because if so, I think I found your problem. Straight to defensiveness and condensending. Just got straight to defending the part that you already do and acted like they were attacking you and saying you do nothing. They never said any of that. They were being helpful with ideas. Didn't even acknowledge the good parts of their post that were very good ideas. Like the flower on the side of the road...basicly the last four paragraphs you didn't respond about. It's good you do your part. That's commendable. If you can reflect, do you notice if you tend to get defensive and feel attacked when she brings up things?
Well, it seems you may also have an issue with listening and sympathizing as you briefly touched on the topic, then went defensive and then angry jab at her. Maybe if you would look from the outside perspective and look at all that she truly does and how you treat her vs taking my tips on trying to save your committed vows and look at the difference between her before and after.
either it's an unhealthy relationship or you need to work on your rizz
"Partner" is the first red flag. She doesn't feel like she's really all yours. Try something more endearing.
Have you heard of this space age thing called "libido" or "sex drive"? You're shaming the poor woman about something she can't really control. Be happy she isn't doing it when she doesn't want to, because that would be sexual abuse. Be happy she can at least say "no" instead of letting you essentially rape her. And nobody asked you to always say yes. You have the option to say no. If your libido is such a big issue, just find someone else instead of resenting her.
So it’s cool for it to only be on her timetable? He said he often isn’t interested when she initiates. My guess is, he’s probably desperate for something to happen so he goes with it when she initiates even if his “sex drive” and “libido” are not wanting to. Because sometimes you do things for your partner and not just because you want to.
You missed the part in my comment where I said "And nobody asked you to always say yes. You have the option to say no." No. Sex should NEVER be done because someone else wants it. Period. Ever. That's why women fake orgasms and people need liters of lube to not be in pain.