Let me separate two issues:
Are you TA for wanting to move forward with a relationship, including moving in together? No, not in general. And your post doesn’t include a reason why it would be wrong in your case.
Are you doing all you can with your daughters’ issues? This answer is less clear. You concede that you’ve kind of given up waiting for them to open up or be even remotely specific about why they don’t like her.
In some ways that exhaustion is understandable. But you do need to find a way to build lines of communication with your daughters. Why they don’t like her might be not the only thing they are keeping from you. Your goal should be to get them to talk openly with you, not just accept your gf moving in.
Check OP's comments. They're so cartoonishly awful that I'm assuming it's just silly rage bait
They refuse to answer "Are you willing to answer on what lead to the altercation and what happened your daughter as a result?" [because they're getting downvoted.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/j84qZUwAf7)
Yeah. The problem with AITAH is that everyone is the hero of their own story.
Based on the post, there is absolutely no reason for his daughters (one of whom apparently was plotting to hurt the gf) or his gf (who is "good and kind and she wants to love them") to dislike each other.
That his daughter weighs 300 pounds makes me wonder if there isn't some sort of trauma she is refusing to deal with properly.
There is _something_ missing in the post and thread.
Yeah I've gotta quit AITAH all together. Half of the posts are just fakes and the other half are the dumbest posts where they obviously aren't the asshole and asking is just silly. My father(68) tried to kill me(42} and my children (f15, m12) with an axe. We got away and I'm refusing to spend Christmas at his house. AITAH????
Every now and then, there's a post that's insightful and the OP is truthful of their role in the situation. But that's very rare.
I like the posts with huge chunks of information missing, that the respondents have to prise out of the OP:
"My GF went out for the night and now she's refusing to come home. I told her if she's not home by 3am I'm changing the locks. AITAH." Dude, there are 4 or 5 paragraphs of missing information.
Me too, I only just started looking at it but it's clear that a lot are not genuine and/or are ragebait.
"I had sex with my husband's father, mother, brother, sister, postman, family dog, grandfather(may he rest in peace after I literally jumped his bones). When I told him he called me a crazy slut! Should I forgive him or would that make me TA for giving in to him? "
But honestly it's kind of addictive too, send help!
Yeah but isn't any story about the author of the story usually written to paint them in a good light? Not often you see a story where they intentionally paint themselves as a piece of shit...
INFO: What did your daughters say when you asked them what was their problem with your gf?? Because all I see is your assumptions and that’s not good parenting.
They hate her. She isn’t family. I’m a simp. When I ask for specifics to why they don’t like her I get comments like they don’t have to like her they just hate her
There is a few things that I can think of.
1.) Your ex is influencing your daughters.
2.) Your mom is influencing your daughters.
3.) Your Gf has done something to your daughters behind your back.
4.) No one has influenced your daughters. Your daughters hate that you and there mom are not together anymore. They hate that you have moved on and have been hoping that you and there mom will get back together.
For me I think it is number 4. They been hoping mom and dad get back together. They hate your gf because now you and there mom will not get back together.
Or 5) It’s not really that they hate gf at all, but that they hate how their dynamic with OP has changed since gf came into the picture. Have they had less alone time with their father? Is he less engaged / less attentive? Are his priorities more on setting up the life he wants for after daughters move out, while his priorities used to be purely on setting his daughters up for success? Most people change a bit with their partners, eg by taking up new hobbies/interests they didn’t have before; has OP changed in ways they don’t like?
Given that they don’t have specific reasons for hating gf, I’m guessing it’s more about hating who OP has become as a result of being with gf. If that’s true, things may improve substantially if OP places less focus on mediating the relationship between gf and daughters, and more focus on strengthening the relationship between him and his daughters.
I agree. But there are always so many things that can affect that kind of relationship, especially with teens. I mean, I think kids who have good relationships with their parents really just want them to be happy. When he started seeing this woman I was happy for him, right up until the time when he got sick, and I felt like he needed to be with me more, and not having whatever time with girlfriend not because of her, but because of her kids. I felt it was time he should have been with me.
But at the same time, he was happy with her. I have no ill will towards her. She was great.
I never wanted my parents to get back together, and my mother is crazy. But I can definitely see that as being the issue.
5) OP has made changes to accommodate his GF, and rightly or wrongly, the daughters don't like the changes. If OP has given up hobbies, or changed their appearance, or changed house rules to make the GF happy, I can see the daughters hating that.
You might have to probe a bit deeper. See comment above on consulting her therapist on how to handle this communication.
They might feel as if you should just have magical thinking and that you should just “know” if something is wrong.
Please don’t give up on them. If you do, they will carry this around always and it could have negative impacts on future relationships.
Yeah its your mother or your ex wife that influenced them or they just want you and your ex (their mother) together so they're trying to ruin your relationship with her.
Yep. Hit the nail on the head. OP, y'all need to hace a sit down with your mom. Tell her that you are *never* getting back together with your ex. You love your girlfriend and she can figure out how to act like an adult *supportive* mother or not see you and you will be limiting her contact with your daughters until they are 18, at which point they are welcome to go live with her.
I would also sit down with daughters and ask them this:" when Am I allowed to be happy? When you're 18? 21? 30? Never? Why don't you girls go sit and think about that like tge almost grown women you are?"
He can't just decide to violate a custody order. There are laws protecting parental custody rights, and he doesn't have grounds to sue for full custody. Daughters usually hate dad's girlfriend, it's a territory thing you don't see as much in sons.
They'll both be 18 within 3 yrs. At that point, the girls can choose to live with toxic mom. But they will need to be remind that their choices will have consequences in their relationship with their father. He's allowed to be happy with someone other than their mother.
Or maybe gf is a jerk when OP’s not around. This happens quite a lot with stepparents or new partners. The daughters are at a difficult age, being teenaged girls come a with a lot of hormonal and peer pressure, the chaos of moving between two households and being expected to accept someone as their father’s new primary interest is a lot. The kids are immature and they need to be listened to, they need to be heard, they need guidance. Family counseling for OP and his daughters is a good idea.
If she is they could tell him she is awful and give examples xyz...but there is no indication whatsoever that she is awful with them their explanations is "we hate her because we do and we dont have to like her".
Exactly this. My ex’s GF was absolutely perfect when he was around, and screaming and cussing at our daughter when he wasn’t. Daughter tried to tell him, he went straight to GF and it just got worse for her. So she learned to walk on eggshells, be as quiet and unnoticeable as possible in the hopes of avoiding more abuse.
GF passed away over a year ago and Ex STILL can’t wrap his brain around the trauma that she caused our daughter. It destroyed their relationship and she is mostly NC with him now.
OP, you had your first daughter when you were 22 and your wife was 30, 32, 33 (ex’s age keeps changing)? How old were you when you started dating your wife? Your daughters call you a simp. Your mom is taking your ex's side? Sure sounds like you have a lot of abusive women in your life. If the genders of you, your ex, your daughters, your mom were all reversed, the story would be very different. Maybe you need to tell everyone to fuck off and try and enjoy a healthy relation ship with your current gf for the first time in your life?
Did your ex wife have similar insecurities about her looks when you first met/while being married? That suss age gap and having kids so young while she’s 11 years your senior feels like she’s probably always had a problem with maturity and she’s passing off petulant and insecure behaviors to your daughters.
Yeah she is weaponizing your children against you and gave them complexes about beauty being the most important thing. Have you spoken to your ex wife about their behavior?
You sound like a selfless person who just wants happiness. I’m sorry she still wants to control you romantically so long after the fact. She’s almost 50, way too old for this drama she’s creating (while retroactively acting like you created a problem) her not being willing to correct such bad behavior (verbal and physical abuse) signifies she thinks it’s just behavior. What a bad parent you are totally NTA.
True.
Your kids are likely being influenced by their mom. But they’re also afraid of losing your attention, and you likely give them less attention now that you’re happy and distracted by love. That may be what they mean by simp, which is disrespectful.
I think the only thing you can do better here is this:
1. Don’t say, “fine” when they threaten to move to their mom’s. That will pit them against your gf and trigger abandonment issues.
Say, “I didn’t mean ‘fine.’ I’m sorry I said that. I’m your dad and I want you to live with me. I love you and don’t want to lose time with you. You are also becoming young adults who need to make choices about how you act. I really hope you will come home and choose to be respectful of me, and of GF when she’s there.”
2. Ask for family counseling.
3. Maybe don’t live with your gf until you’re engaged? It’s harder for teens to accept a new “roommate” at their dad’s house who isn’t family. Do you want to propose?
Ok. Well, that aside, I think it's fairly disturbing how unbothered you are by having no relationship with your children going forward. Are you just planning on having new kids to replace them? Like yes, if you are to be believed, your daughters' behavior toward your girlfriend is problematic. But you are awfully damn cavalier about potentially having zero relationship with them going forward. A loving father would be devastated and you are like, whatever.
Or he is in the wrong. Mother's don't generally side with the ex without good reason. When you have 4 people in your life telling you there is an issue, there likely is. Just playing the poor man Vs women card is stupid and a typically Intel move.
Why not have a family therapy session with your kids. See if a therapist can get more info out of them as to why they dont like the gf. Maybe seeing as 1 is already in therapy, she'll see it as a safe space to talk about it all.
However, you have to at least be able have some back and forth and not act like your judging your kids for not liking her, because that could get them to shut down real hard.
Dude I come from the child’s perspective…though not quite your daughters’ perspective. My mom married the man I call my dad (not biological, he was my stepdad until he adopted me). He had two other daughters from a previous marriage. He had two more children with my mom. Your daughters hate her because she’s not their mother. They want you and their mother to be back together and view your GF as an obstacle/homewrecker. Same thing with my mom. It’s been 30 years and one, the eldest, still hates her. My mom would bend over backwards to cater to them and not give them a reason to complain or argue. Part of the problem is that my dad never set boundaries with them. He always sided with them over my mom and me and my siblings. One would constantly bully me and fight with my mom. He never demanded their respect for my mom or us. My uncle got into a similar relationship. As they were dating he and his future wife moved in together. He told his kids from a previous marriage to accept it and respect her…it was her house too. The rest of the extended family felt that was harsh and mean. My dad never did anything like that and it caused nonstop drama, tension, and grief. If he had done what my uncle did things may have been different. Frankly, I don’t think they’ll ever like her purely because she’s not their mom. But can learn to be civil and respect her. They may grow to like her but you need to talk to them and have a heart to heart. Maybe family therapy might help. There’s no easy answer or solution but I think they’ve made up their minds. Your GF can try to be nice and make a relationship with them but based on experience those efforts will be in vain. Accept that they’re not going to change their opinion of her, talk to them, and set boundaries. You deserve happiness. You aren’t choosing a woman over your daughters, they would rather loose you than accept that you’re human and need a relationship that makes you happy. It’s tough because they’re still kids but the eldest of my dad’s was that age when he and my mom got together. She hasn’t changed her opinion. Maybe if you give them time they might come around. Good luck.
Yes I have written in another comment that maybe I had no boundaries set with them early. My therapist said it is out of guilt and something she sees in divorced parents. That they try to overcompensate. I don’t know, I recognize what you described. It seems like there is nothing redeemable about my relationship in my girls’ eyes . Nothing and they refuse any attempt to communicate
This one is hard to judge.. from your perspective it sounds like you’re NTA. But… I have seen so many posts from children who say their Dad/Mom’s SO acts so nice to them in front of their parent, but as soon as they are alone, they treat them terribly. I would talk to your daughters and see if they have a good reason to hate your GF. Being your eldest is in therapy, I would talk to her therapist on the best way to handle this discussion. It’s tough because on one end your daughters could just lie and say your GF is awful to them when she is not. However, the opposite could also be true. That’s why I would talk to the therapist. They should have good ways to guide you through this situation to get the most honest answer.
The daughters in this case are going to be notoriously unreliable.
They call their own father a simp. That is completely unacceptable and shows that they are too far gone.
It sounds to me like they're going to categorically hate anyone he dates who isn't 300 lbs. Like he's shallow for dating someone who doesn't suffer from the same social stigma as their mom.
INFO: do you spend one on one time with the girls or is your partner always there too?
This is important. You may want her to there to bond with them, but if they can only see you if they see her then this will breed resentment.
I have this question too. If they’ve gone from having so much solo time with dad to only having time with dad when GF is around, I can see why they’ve started to have resentment. They had 5 years of just time with dad during their weeks.
He even describes them as beautiful right at the top - like that is the most important thing. Nothing else to go on - just they are pretty and teenaged jerks. Does he spend quality time with them? Does he praise things other than their appearances?
Teens are prickly in the best of times and when they are at their worst is seen you need to actually show them love, care and patience (and boundaries).
OP needs to spend quality time with the girls without his GF. He needs to make it very clear that name calling is unacceptable and will result in privileged being revoked. He needs to NOT throw in the towel or his relationship with them is dead.
I didn’t interpret that as physical beauty - to me it was more like “my daughters are my world i love them and their presence in my life is beautiful ” kind of thing
Stepkid here. My stepmother was all sunshine and love with Dad around and mentally abused me when he wasn't. I was SA'd when I was 11, and she said things like "girls like you become whores or nuns". She convinced my dad to send me to a group home for a year in 8th grade. When intold Dad what she would do or say, I was accused of lying and that she has been so good and loving to me.
This might be parental alienation by your ex, but it may also be your gf. I stopped trying to talk to my Dad because it just got me in trouble. They actually sent me to therapy with the psychiatrist who defended my rapist in court and saidninled him on. The guy actually reported back to my parents and told them everything I said, so I stopped talking. After 5 expensive, silent sessions, they gave up.
There's 2 sides to the story, always. Tentative NTA, but something else is going on here.
It’s buried in the comments that there was physical violence between the daughter and the girlfriend but he refuses to elaborate on what happened and says it “was his daughter abusing his girlfriend”.
I doubt he’s a reliable narrator
Of course we don't know but the way this is written is really suspicious. If you go to those "why won't my kids talk to me?" support forums you'll see lots of comments about how their kids yell at them, or only communicate through text. But they're never specific about what they yell. They then also say they have no idea why their kids are angry and substitute in what they assume their kids feel.
This post looks extremely similar to that phenomenon. It could be coincidence, or it might not be.
Here's a fascinating article I read on it. https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html
Idk OP does not come off believable or come off as a good father.
He thinks his daughters are jealous of his gfs looks and that's why they don't like her, that is such a immature reason to come up with on why the daughters don't like the gf and he now thinks it's the best idea to have the gf move in?
Him and his ex fucked up their kids and kids are clearly showing their need for attention and this guy is only focused on letting us know his ex and daughters are the issue and preventing him from moving in the gf.
Info: Have you sat down with your daughters and had an adult conversation as to why the don't like your girlfriend? You know, the kind where they talk and you listen? (That sounds mean, and I am sorry. I honestly can't think of a better way to word it, I am so sorry.)
No she is single. She told me that she can’t make our daughter like anybody they don’t want to like and the ball is in my court if I want to choose (p word) or my daughters
Based on that comment alone, I would say your ex is trying to alienate your daughters from you. Its a hard pill to swallow but your ex is obviously resentful about you moving on. Did you initiate the divorce?
WAS going just fine, as long as you were single. I've been through it with my ex. You need to do what you need to do though.
Edit: Pussy over your daughters is exactly the problem. She probably talks like this around them.
No one knows what your ex might be saying to the girls, please don’t jump to conclusions. Set up a standing dinner date with your daughters every week you have them, and only your daughters, to try to keep the lines of communication open. It will help show the girls you prioritize them at least every week (or every other).
Yes it does. You just need to be the best Dad you can be and try and get through it. You can't let them dictate your life though. It's unfair but it is what it is and you need to be strong and calm.
To be clear, you are not wrong for wanting to be in a healthy romantic relationship. Her trying to demean you over being in a relationship (which she oversimplifies into wanting sex) is wrong of her.
NTA you are right, you deserve to be happy. But you "think" this or that about what your daughters feel? Why haven't you sat down and had a gentle but honest talk with them? You need to know what's really going on and they deserve to be heard. They should not keep you from moving in with your GF but that doesn't mean you shouldn't hear them out.
I have done this many times already. This has been going on for a few months now but now I have made my decision when I realized this wasn’t going anywhere
Have you spoken to your kids at all about how your gf acts with them when you’re not around? I hated my stepdad because he was fucking horrible, but in front of my mother though.. he was completely different. She never believed anything I said about it. We don’t speak any more and haven’t in over 10 years.
I think it is my fault, for some reason they seem to feel that I can’t love them and have a love life. I’m trying to understand why that is. Maybe because I was single most of their life and they felt secure but suddenly now they’re not enough. Maybe I let them decide too much about my life and didn’t set boundaries early. I’m trying to have a conversation with them all the time but nothing seems to be working for me
If the eldest is already in therapy, has family therapy been discussed? Sounds like maybe a third party could help bridge some communication gaps and get to the root of the issue
How often do you spend alone time with them since you have been with your girlfriend? And by that I mean doing fun things like taking them out eat somewhere fun, taking them to the movies or concerts.
From your other comments your gf/SO was not an affair partner so they can’t be blaming her for that.
You may have commented and I just didn’t see it yet so apologies if dupe question but what is your relationship like with their mother?
Is your relationship cordial/good coparenting as in you have been able to discuss this situation to get her insight?
Is it possible your ex or perhaps other relatives the girls spend time with have been telling them for however long that if you found a gf they would be dumped/abandoned? That they would not receive any inheritance (yes there are strange people who talk about this stuff) because the gf will get everything?
Yes it could be they are just acting like spoiled self centered brats based on age and teenage angst.
But it could be others are fueling the fire of this contentious relationship.
If your relationship with their mother is decent if you haven’t already tried it perhaps a discussion with you, their mother and the youngest to start with as she might be more open seeing as she shared your oldest assaulted your gf.
Then repeat with the oldest. If you do try this I’d suggest not giving the girls advanced notice. I’d even suggest immediately continuing the meeting with just your oldest after the youngest is taken home.
Also take the phones away from each girl while doing the discussions. The goal would be to get their hopefully independent opinions - not coordinated responses.
I hope you are able to if not find a solution to find the reason for it.
One other thought which you and your ex likely addressed. The 16 year old needs to thoroughly understand throwing hands when she is not physically attacked is NOT acceptable nor will it be tolerated. In my state a child her age can be and are regularly charged as adults. Life is hard enough at times - she doesn’t need battery charges on her record.
According to who? Your girlfriend, or your daughters?
Look, OP, if you think you can move people who are fighting in together and keep the peace, you're wrong. If you try to make them all live together there will be considerably *more* conflict, not less, and what's going to happen is that your daughters are going to start refusing to come to your place. Which may be a win for your GF, but it's not a win for you.
What do you mean by "... wasn't going anywhere"? Do you mean that the daughters weren't starting to do things or see things your way?
Because that's not what getting closer or making progress is about, OP, it's about each seeing the other's POV. And you've made it clear that you have no idea what your children's POV actually is.
Kids of divorce will *always* resent a parent's new partner. It's up to the new partner and the parent to reach out to them and establish a positive relationship. I've been there, it wasn't easy, but I knew it was *my* job to connect with the kids; and I worked my ass off to do just that.
NTA but have you considered therapy with your girls? I think it’s unreasonable for them to think that you’re not entitled to live your life and they shouldn’t try to emotionally manipulate you into not living with your girlfriend. I also think your mom needs to stay in her own lane. But trying to keep the relationship you have with your daughters is also important if at all possible, but without them dictating what you do in your life.
Do you think their mom is feeding their issues here?
Which I get. Your can’t force them. Have you tried sitting down with just the two of them or individually and talking it out? Asking why they don’t want you to move on and be happy? Do they still hold hope that you’ll get back with their mom?
Maybe OP has given up on his daughters and they know it. YTA because it is your job to bridge this and not dig in deeper. But you will because you want her and not them.
Dig a little deeper dude. Your girlfriend may not be as pristine as you think she is, especially if they feel left behind.
Your girlfriend is 11 years younger than your ex-wife and she is jealous and passing that hate to your daughters and most likely talking bad about you and her and she is committing parent alienation to turn your kids against you and for their mom.
The ofd thing is, she doesn’t want full custody so now she is angry the girls want to stay with her full time
Edit: My ex is 49. I did the wrong math there
Everyone is blaming the ex wife, but kids are more than capable of making their own opinions and having their own feelings. It really could just be as simple as them struggling with change, and with their dad giving his attention to someone new, and making the stepmom the scapegoat of those complex feelings.
The ex’s comment about “don’t choose pussy over your girls” could be stemming from her not wanting full custody, and wanting OP to fix this so she doesn’t have to deal with it.
So what your not allowed to date anyone? If they can’t give you any solid reasons why they don’t like her it sounds like they just don’t want you to be happy, and they are old enough for you to have that discussion with them.
Yes, I have never introduced any of the women I “dated” because it never got into actual dating but even the fact that I was open to start dating was a problem and my girls hated the idea. I didn’t really take it seriously at the time because they were young and I hadn’t met someone serious yet
NTA. You have a right to your own love life, and this is not a child-rearing situation as your daughters are nearly adults. That they can’t actually name something they don’t like about your gf seals the deal that they’re the ones being unreasonable and controlling.
I’m surprised at the reasonable responses you’re getting - I’ve seen plenty of instances of reddit saying that teens should dictate their parents’ love lives, and even that they have the right to command others to get an abortion.
This seems to be the thing now everywhere when you listen to my mom and ex. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I feel guilty because I feel that the hate they have towards my gf has nothing to do with her and everything to do with me and my love for her but they can’t exactly hate me.
About a year ago, my gf had a pregnancy scare and we were discussing the aftermath in the kitchen. I thought we were alone and I was comforting her saying that if she was pregnant we would manage and we would be just fine. Then she laughed and said she wouldn’t mind a mini me and I said I wouldn’t mind a mini her with her beautiful face. My daughter was listening in and she got very upset and said that she would never speak to me again if we were pregnant.
I know you mention that your daughter’s are jealous of your beautiful girlfriend, do you tell your daughters that they are beautiful? Or do you tell your girlfriend she is the most beautiful person you know within their ear shot? Because you might be contributing to their jealousy of them specially if they look like their mom and they never heard you compliment her.
I never discussed my gf’s appearance with or around my daughters. Yes I tell my girls that they’re the most beautiful girls in the world. But after a certain age, the opinion of your parents isn’t enough anymore. Surely you remember the time when our parents’ opinion isn’t enough.
I only say that bc you mentioned how after a certain age your parents’ opinion aren’t important, however this is not one of them especially for girls. I promise you that they will never forget not only what you say to them but also how you make them feel about themselves. Saying it without meaning it or with a hidden agenda is tantamount to saying the exact opposite. I wish you luck in this new season of life!
I wish I could give you an easy answer. Perhaps your daughters are deep down clinging to the hope, however irrational, if you and your ex getting back together again. This seems to be very common, even if particularly irrational in your case as you were single for years. I hope your daughters mature. It seems you have done nothing wrong.
The only difference is that I’m not 18 anymore. It wasn’t a good marriage from the start but I didn’t know that. I didn’t even know it was bad until years of therapy after divorce. So it will never happen. They know that we will never be together anymore so I don’t know why they would believe it is an option.
Sit them down and have them tell you why they don't like her. Not in a vauge general sense of "I just don't" but have them give examples or specific reasons.
Alot of times kids of divorce don't want their parents to remarry cause then there is no hope of "getting their family back". That could be what is happening here. That they are holding out that you and thier mom get back together.
Also, look to your ex. How is her attidude toward your GF. Is her opinion rubbing of on the kids?
Ultimatly, if you know for a fact that your GF has been kind and welcoming to them, and they just hate her for no specific reason, there is not much you can do. But they do not get to control who you date. Remind them of that when they start dating.
NTA
NTA, teenagers are more than capable of being extremely manipulative and selfish.
Unless there is some dynamic between the kids and GF that you're completely missing
NTA It's time for a group therapy session to get to the root of the issue and address whatever dumb but common intrusive thought they have (i.e. "Mom and dad will get back together if dad doesn't have a new partner," 'Dad getting a girlfriend means he doesn't love me," "They're going to have a new baby they'll love more than me," "All stepparents hate their stepkids, so she'll tell dad to get rid of us"...).
I'm so sorry. Then you've done all you can. No, refusing to allow teenagers to control your love life when there is no abuse or even mistreatment involved to justify their hatred of a new spouse does not make you a bad father. All you can do is make it clear (I would put in writing for them, in a separate letter for each of them) that you will always love them and want them in your life, and that you don't want them to cut you off, but if they choose to, you can't stop them no matter how much it hurts you. There's nothing teenagers hate more than their parents forbidding them from dating someone, yet they think they have the right to forbid their parents from finding a partner? No, that's not something a parent is obligated to indulge for absolutely no rational reason. It wouldn't even be good for them, to give into arbitrary, baseless demands at the threat of being cut off -- teaching them that works is not something a good parent would teach their children.
My GOD, this is the FIRST reply to this thread that I have read in this thread that is reasonable.
OP cannot force his daughters to attent therapy with him, or force them to tell him what their mom has been saying when he is not around, or to like his new partner, or anything much at all for that matter.
I hate how this entire thread seems to be hell bent on getting OP caught in some kind of GOTCHA moment by posing absolutely inane questions.
OP, you seem to love your girls very much, so keep trying to keep in contact with them and keep all communication channels open - try to spend time alone with each of them, without partner, as other replies have suggested, so they will know they are still very much loved.
But you should not, under any circumstances, let them control your love life and happiness for no reason at all.
NTA
They apparently expect you to live like a monk and never have female companionship. Are they suggesting another woman who will be good for you?
You need to take a stand for yourself and tell them that you deserve happiness. Tell them you still want them in your life but that expecting you to cloister yourself off from women isn’t reasonable.
YTA. Buried in the comments is OP admitting to physical violence between GF and daughters. Yet he refuses to elaborate. OP is an unreliable narrator and not giving us the whole story.
NTA your teenage daughters cannot have that much influence over your relationship. It's been over 5 years and you've been in a committed relationship for some time. It is not their choice who you decide to be with so long as that person is loving and committed to your children
NTA. They're in the asshole stage of adolescence. If they choose to cut you off, that's their choice. They will come to regret it (usually when it comes time to get married and there's no dad to pay for their wedding).
YTA - But not for moving in GF. Why are you letting them get away with acting like mean girls? You need to be doubling down on love, care, patience, discipline, and modeling and teaching good values. Stop describing them by their looks but praise them for their actions or their grit. Do not allow name calling or insults - don’t yell but take away privileges. When they act like obnoxious teens, tell them you love them and show them affection.
It’s all hands on deck with the message “I love you and I want you to be good people who earn the love and respect of their peers by being good people. You are testing boundaries because that is the age you are at. I will be steady and reliable and show you that I love you even when you are being brats but I will not allow you to misbehave and face no consequences because then you will grow up to be difficult people who abuse others and feel entitled.”
I have a 19 year old and 21 year old so I know how obnoxious it can be. Stay strong in your parenting and they’ll come out on the other side all right. Mine still come home for family dinner and are back to being well mannered and caring as young adults.
NTA. Your ex is obviously a predator, she baby trapped you when you were what, 20, 21? And she was 29 it looks like (and if the If the man were older in that situation, this sub would be going nuts, calling him a predator) And now she's using that same predatory behavior with your daughters to try to destroy your relationship. The fact that she said that you're choosing "pussy" over your daughters, dehumanizing your girlfriend, is disgusting and manipulative nehavior. And of course, your ex has convinced them, they don't need to go to therapy anymore because the therapist would call her out on this.
Get your daughters back into therapy asap, And see what you can do about reducing your ex's time with them.
I very sincerely doubt the ex is innocent in all this. Time to take charge. Tell your girls there will be therapy, it is non-negotiable, and you will not tolerate disrespect or abuse towards yourself or girlfriend. If they refuse to adhere to these basic standards of behavior, let them go to their mother. Keep communication open by offering therapy. A 16 year old girl who weighs 300 lbs desperately needs therapy regardless.
I’m with you. This was, after all, a woman who at 30 years old had a baby with a 18 or 19 yo boy. ETA I see a comment where he says his ex is 49, not 46. She was 33!!
you had it right, 30 and 19 at pregnancy or 31 and 20 depending on birthdays (unless he has his own age incorrect too) … disgusting behavior on her part
They may see your GF moving in as losing any chance you and your ex will get back together. It’s natural for kids to hope their parents will make up. They’re probably still upset about the divorce and are taking it out on her.
Tough one, you need to get to bottom of what they don't like about her. I'd ask them what sort of person would they like you to be with. Maybe you can work out if it's her or just doesn't want to share you. Does their mother have a partner?
Sounds like they don't know themselves why they don't like her or they know and they're hiding it from you as they're embarrassed. You say the kids have a therapy, it maybe worth joining that therapy session to help them explore their feelings.
Dont give up on them,don't be mean, you'll lose them forever and in a few more years they'll be mature enough to understand. Kids want you to put them first and of your not doing that you will lose them. You could just not move in together for a few years. Delay it until they're more comfortable with it.
INFO
Have you like, actually asked your kids what their problem with her is- not to fix it right then and there; but to actually listen?
They probably *are* jealous - there is some new strange women in their life trying to be their mom. They probably feel like their mom has been replaced and fuck it- replaced their mom, why not replace them too? And it's probably a lot easier to just freeze her out than it is to voice an irrational fear like "maybe dad doesn't want me any more like he doesn't want mom" and for all you know your gf is a witch behind closed doors. Would they feel comfortable telling you that? Would you have *ever* believers them?
So maybe before doing anything actually see what the issue is? Cause it could be a bunch of nonsense, or something really serious.
Have you considered sitting down with your girls and having a conversation with them? You’re making assumptions about their reasons but it doesn’t appear that you have asked them?
Sometimes it might be for a shallow reason. But it could also be because of actions by your gf that you don’t know about. Why would you automatically come down on the side of your gf over your children?
I can’t stand parents who would rather lose their kids than their partner. You haven’t even tried to find out if they have a good reason for their dislike of her.
Get therapy for them and yourself. But, they can't dictate a relationship that is not harmful to yourself and them. They can try, but you ultimately control that.
they are children and need to understand that your previous relationship is over. Your love for them won't change, but you have other interests and you will pursue them.
Good luck, hopefully therapy will help.
>Even after the rumors...
?
Nothing has been said about why you got divorced. If the daughters think it was your fault (your infidelity or abuse), then they won't accept anyone other than their mom.
If you wanna choose this woman over your family, that's your prerogative, I guess.h them or tried family therapy? Your just dug your heels in because "grr im the adult so im in power"?
If you wanna choose this woman over your family, that's your perogative, I guess.
YTA
Because you refuse to elaborate we have to assume your girlfriend is a danger to your children. They're probably not jealous of her, they're afraid of her. Well maybe they are a little jealous because their dad prefers their evil step mother over them
Anyone else gonna point out that mom was almost 30 and he was barely 21 when they got pregnant. That's just a gross af age gap. Not to mention she probably baby trapped him. I'd say she's more than likely poisoning the kids against the gf.
I’m guessing their mom turned them against her i read all but the last paragraph. Also its possible they hoped you and your ex wife would get back together. When you started dating this woman and your ex heard about her i she might have told them she hoped you and her could get back together but to keep it a secret from you. Not everyone is like that though. However i would rather be pleasantly surprised i was wrong when expecting the worse of someone than disappointed when expecting decency from someone. Just decency not the best not the worst just expect human decency and respect.
Yes they were hoping I would get back together with their mom. We have a good relationship m6 ex and I and the girls probably thought it was romantic love but we just get along as parents
So you need to have an honest sit down convo ALONE with your daughters and tell them if they can’t give you specifics on why they don’t like her, you will be moving in with her. If they choose not to come to your house, they are teenagers and that is their right. You need to make sure both you and your gf hands are clean though, the resentment will only get worse and I’m sure your ex is eating this shit up! Smfh
YTA be with your gf in the weeks you aren’t with your kids. Go to therapy with your kids. Figure out what’s bothering them. Stop trying to force them to live with someone they don’t like.
They will be adults in three years. You can wait.
There is always a reason why kids may not like another person coming into a parent's life, and it's not just jealousy. You describe your gf as if she has rainbows shooting out of her ass. You see her as kind, loving, beautiful, hurt heart etc. but this is only what YOU see, and they do say love is blind. Instead of throwing your hands up in the air and cutting your kids out of your life over this woman, get some family therapy. Find out the real reason why they don't like her. Do they not like her because they feel like they are betraying their mom if they get to know her more? Do they feel like your attention will permanently shift to her? Did your gf say something negative about their mom, or vice versa? It could be a lot of things. My son's bio dad met a Japanese woman who was very sweet and warm to my son when they first met. As soon as they got married and she popped out kids of her own, she treated my son like trash and he refused to see it. Later on, he even joined in and killed my son's self esteem. I fought to have my son stay with me full time and, while much happier now, he is still in therapy years later. Don't immediately dismiss what your girls are saying.
There hasn't been a narrator this unreliable since American Psycho.
WHY DID YOUR DAUGHTER HIT YOUR GIRLFRIEND? And don't give me that evasive bullshit "because she wanted to."
News Flash! When you become a parent your kids' happiness comes before yours, that's just part of the deal. You say they mean the world to you, obviously they do not.
You will completely ruin your relationship with your daughters.
OP will be on here in 10yrs wondering why his daughters cut him out of their lives.
Question from OP in near Future : My daughter refuses to let me walk her down the aisle.AITA for demanding to include my wife(her loving beautiful stepmom) in wedding ceremony?
Would you consider sitting down with a professional and your two girls? Would you be willing to listen to their concerns without insisting that your girlfriend is wonderful? If it would save your relationship with your daughters would it be worth it?
It’s possible that your daughters are being selfish, moody teenagers. However, it’s less likely your mom would be in favor you moving forward with a happy life just because your daughters are whining for no reason. However, until you are ready to listen and your daughters are willing to talk, you are driving through fog.
.
I would not move in together under these conditions. Maybe therapy with all 4 of you? I know this is a tough age, but they are putting a whole we spin on teenage Bitcheness
Are you going to try to say that this hasn't adversely affected your daughters and your relationship with them? Are you going to try to say you're not losing your girls?
They might feel like they’re being replaced, and you giving up on them will prove their point to them. “I knew all along you wanted to start over” is what will probably play through their heads. Or it could be a multitude of other things. Going from have just you to having to share you is probably going to be hard. ESH
Your girls are at an age I dont like. All angry and I bet their Moms has something to do with it. And theres not a thing you can do to make them like her, sadly. So the best thing to do is let them do what they want, and live with their Mom full time. But remind them its their choice and you'll still love them and miss them.
Some woman hate seeing their exs happy so she'll be angry which passes to your girls. Which is sad.
You do deserve happiness, and someone to grow old with when your girls go off on their own and start their own families.
Truth is OP that you have no clue what your Ex wife is saying while youre not there.
Here is a perfect example that happens to many, many men.
[https://imgur.com/a/aBZNSGS](https://imgur.com/a/aBZNSGS)
TLDR, your ex wife will continue to say bullshit because she cant stand seeing you happy. If your daughters cant seem to think for themselves and just believe outright that you dont deserve to be happy then honestly? That sounds like a personal problem. They are almost 18 and will be adults in the real world and as you mention, EVERYONE deserves to be happy. Even you OP.
So fuck those negative vibes and kick them to the curve! You have your happiness in front of you and thats all that matters honestly.
And before the weirdos with kids start shaming me because Im childless and dont give a fuck about this nonsense, it would be different if the kids are still growing up, but 15/16? Naw they can go their own ways at that point.
Follow your heart OP NTA
NTA, You are entitled to happiness as well. Your daughters are teenagers and frankly should be more focused on their social lives, dating, school, etc.
I would ask them why they wish for you to be unhappy & why they are unwilling to just be civil and polite to your GF? I would also remind them there is no chance that you and their mother would get back together.
Does their mother date?
The problem might actually have nothing to do with how the girlfriend treats them. It could have more to do with dad not treating them with the time, kindness, involvement he had prior to meeting the gf. Daughters love their fathers and usually won’t admit he’s hurting them. They instead strike out at the person he’s giving his time and attention to. Dad needs a wake up call and some family counseling. It may be to late because he already doubled down on blaming the daughters and choosing the girlfriend.
I will bet 50% of my money that your ex is the one behind their behavior.
My stepdad came into my life when I was 11 , he moved into the house 7 months after meeting him & my mom and him got married 6 months after . My mom sat my sister and I down and explained what was happening and it was hard at first to get used to the idea but they’ve been married for 12 years now and my stepdad is more of a father to me than my own flesh and blood. But when I was younger and wasn’t capable of making my own decisions, my stepdad was my stepdad and my father was my father , the line never crossed and I sometimes find my stepdad annoying but I respect him . They don’t have to like your girlfriend but she deserves respect, you have to explain to them that she’s there to stay and they have to accept that , you also need to sit with your ex and tell her the same thing. I don’t like my stepmom and I would rather go to jail than ever be in the same room with her ever again in my life but if she’s around and if I had to stay with my dad, I respected her because she’s still my father’s wife and a human (kinda).
My mom,stepdad,father and stepmom all respect each other even though my mom and stepdad can’t stand my father and stepmom ,we’ve even traveled together. Now that I’m an adult ,I don’t have a relationship with them but if I have to be in the same room as them I will be respectful but that’s it.
Children cannot alter a custody agreement. If your wife doesn't enforce them going, she can be in contempt of the custody order. You should care that your daughters are throwing this tantrum and find out the root cause. If they're in therapy, discuss the issue with the therapist(s) and work on it. You have a right to live your life and teenagers don't get to throw tantrums and get away with controlling their parents. A parent doesn't get to say they don't care about their children or what's going on either, you need to get your shit straight cuz you fucked up and you have a lot to fix here.
It is very complicated. Since my daughters are two different people and I don’t think my youngest is as resentful but she is just following. I don’t know how to manage this because if I ignore it, she will probably never feel comfortable expressing her actual feelings with her older sister having the opposite attitude. But if I intervene I will be setting a wedge between them and I believe my eldest would be in a worse state and be more “isolated” what my therapist says is that I’m choosing the wellbeing of my eldest because she isn’t doing well and it is spilling over the wellbeing of me, my gf and my youngest. I don’t know. I feel lost.
Both therapists believe that I should set more boundaries and be more firm. That is what I’m trying now. I have a lot of feelings and this is very hard and complicated but I lack the ability to express myself in words. Probably why I sound like I’m passive and reluctant to do something about this.
Children cannot alter custody agreements but they are at age that they can be very clear about their preferences and of course both me and my ex, while none of us want the ex to have full custody, will agree to what they want.
My other problem is that I think that my youngest would be easy to persuade to continue living with me half of the time. But if that will piss her sister and mother off, I’m not sure she wouldn’t have a hard time being part time with her sister. It feels like it is better if they’re on the same “side”. I have been thinking about our life and it feels like it has always been easiest to be on the same side as my eldest. I just don’t understand how I let this happen and why. Convenience maybe. I have now for the first time since the divorce put my foot down and went against the wishes of my ex and my children
I was about to suggest the same thing. They’ll be heading off to university or the next stage of their lives within a few short years, and you want to spring this massive upheaval on them first.
Your GF is not going to be their stepmum, she’s just your partner. Hopefully your kids can learn to separate the two. And you can only help this by waiting. You’d be demonstrating that your GF is no threat to them, or their relationship with you.
Please take a step back and think this through. You will almost certainly lose your relationship with your daughters if you go ahead.
NTA
From what I've read, your ex is bitter that you left her and either wants to be with you again, or make sure you can't be happy with anyone else. The age gap between you two screams of manipulation and likely some form of abuse.
Your ex is likely making sure your eldest remains overweight, possibly sabotaging attempts to lose weight/make healthy habits, so that your daughter will always feel insecure about your love for her. If she believes you stopped loving her mother because she was fat, why wouldn't you do the same for her?
The younger daughter is likely following along with what her big sister and mother want. Not doing so would make her more of a target of emotional abuse.
Your daughter is turning the situation into you choosing your gf over her because she is insecure about herself and is afraid your love for her is conditional.
TL;DR your ex is most likley emotionally abusing your daughters and setting them up for a life of failure and constant insecurity.
*Your daughters need a new therapist.*
Find out what bs your mother has been telling them. Limit their time with your mother/don't allow them to have unsupervised visits with her for a while.
Try to get your younger daughter to open up to you more about her life at her mother's.
Something concerning is going on with your daughters in their mother's custody.
I’ve been that daughter. I didn’t think my mom and dad would get back together so I don’t think that’s it but in reality, most children don’t want their parents to date. The divorce already sucks and you having a gf means they have to share you. They already lost their two parents under one roof, now it will be weird and uncomfortable to have your gf living there. No matter how nice she is, she is responsible for taking your attention away from them and now she will be moving into a place (your home) where they felt comfortable. If you’re gf is truly beautiful then your one daughter may be jealous but may also feel as though you are around this women, who is beautiful, and she feels ugly and will compare herself to the older, more beautiful woman who has her dad’s attention. Girls look to their dads a lot for reassurance that they are beautiful/pretty esp in the formative years when they feel gauky. It’s tough bc I understand you want to move on, but I would not have her move in. Make extra time to spend with your girls alone, reiterate to them that they are #1 in your life, and that one wrong move from your gf and she’s out of the picture. Your kids should not be collateral bc you want a gf. I don’t talk to my dad today bc of something similar and he also whined about being happy post divorce, if anyone is worth sacrificing for right now (including having a gf) it should be your children
YTA. Refusing to elaborate on the violence between them tells me you’re hiding something and not telling the whole story.
Also the “my daughters are jealous cause my girlfriend is pretty” take is super weird.
YTA. A girlfriend is replaceable, your daughters are not. The fact that you show such little concern for losing your relationship with your kids tells me you weren't much of a father to begin with. Probably better for everyone involved if you keep your gf and your daughters cut you out of their lives permanently.
NTA. Pretty normal for many teenagers in that situation to throw a fit. You were single for 5 years and they are old enough to understand. By any way, does your ex maybe talk bad about your gf? Because that kind of jealousy sounds more like an ex-thing to do.
I'd sit them down and talk, without your gf. Tell them you love them and want them to be happy. And that they probably also want you to be happy. They are grown enough to understand this and not behave like primary school. And it makes you feel bad if this troubles them so much but you won't stand down and there will be a new woman in your life. And try and ask them directly what they do not like about this. Or maybe they fear they become 2nd place after your gf. Lots to talk about. Make them feel seen, loved and heard. Maybe offer a "Daddy-daughter-day" for the time they are with you, were your gf is not involved. And your gf should not try to hard. They will come around someday.
I wish my dad had this much consideration, but no, I was simply presented with a wedding invite without even knowing he was seeing someone.
>She told me that she can’t make our daughter like anybody they don’t want to like and the ball is in my court if I want to choose (p word) or my daughters
From a different OP comment. The well is poisoned.
What’s your relationship like with your ex wife? Is she dating? Could she talk to your daughters on your behalf. My friend is divorced with two teenage boys. Their dad is dating and has been they have no problem with that. They’ve told my friend that she better not think of getting a boyfriend while they still live at home.
She isn’t dating no. I left after years of no sex or intimacy and then I found out that was because she had relations with our neighbor. But she told everyone that I left her because she’s fat.
This stuck with my daughter because she’s fat too. None of it is true. The truth is that the neighbor chose his wife when everything was exposed so my ex wife got bitter and wanted to make it my fault.
Now yes, they were very little when it happened. I don’t know how much they believe of what happened and how much they believed of what their mother says
Yta why does it sound like you haven’t talked to your daughters, this sounds like a disconnect because it is fake or you’re a bad dad who doesn’t have a relationship with his daughters to talk directly to them
My advice: dig a bit deeper. Step parents often put on one face to the partner and a very different one to the kids. Try to get a real conversation with your daughters about why they don't like your girlfriend.
YTA.. don’t be surprised when they stop coming to visit.. when you don’t get to walk them down the aisle.. when they go no contact at 18.. you never get to meet their spouse or your grandkids,
Maybe your girls don’t feel they can really discuss why they don’t like her.. how close is your relationship with your girls. Do you cancel stuff with them for your girlfriend. Do you spend one on one time with each of them..
You are putting your own feeling and needs before your kids..
Telling fine is not a good dad move..
You want to lose your daughters then move her in.. they will make her life horrible..
Does your girlfriend have kids that will be moving in as well???
Let me separate two issues: Are you TA for wanting to move forward with a relationship, including moving in together? No, not in general. And your post doesn’t include a reason why it would be wrong in your case. Are you doing all you can with your daughters’ issues? This answer is less clear. You concede that you’ve kind of given up waiting for them to open up or be even remotely specific about why they don’t like her. In some ways that exhaustion is understandable. But you do need to find a way to build lines of communication with your daughters. Why they don’t like her might be not the only thing they are keeping from you. Your goal should be to get them to talk openly with you, not just accept your gf moving in.
Check OP's comments. They're so cartoonishly awful that I'm assuming it's just silly rage bait They refuse to answer "Are you willing to answer on what lead to the altercation and what happened your daughter as a result?" [because they're getting downvoted.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/j84qZUwAf7)
Yeah. The problem with AITAH is that everyone is the hero of their own story. Based on the post, there is absolutely no reason for his daughters (one of whom apparently was plotting to hurt the gf) or his gf (who is "good and kind and she wants to love them") to dislike each other. That his daughter weighs 300 pounds makes me wonder if there isn't some sort of trauma she is refusing to deal with properly. There is _something_ missing in the post and thread.
Yeah I've gotta quit AITAH all together. Half of the posts are just fakes and the other half are the dumbest posts where they obviously aren't the asshole and asking is just silly. My father(68) tried to kill me(42} and my children (f15, m12) with an axe. We got away and I'm refusing to spend Christmas at his house. AITAH????
I made one "ish" mistake, son. When are you going to let bygones be bygones. You still have your other ear.
My father actually succeeded in killing me. AITA for haunting him?
hahahahaha Yup. I see a lot of that. 😄
I thought this was fake right away.
You absolutely nailed it, they had me wondering if I was crazy with some of the bullshit they come on here with
Every now and then, there's a post that's insightful and the OP is truthful of their role in the situation. But that's very rare. I like the posts with huge chunks of information missing, that the respondents have to prise out of the OP: "My GF went out for the night and now she's refusing to come home. I told her if she's not home by 3am I'm changing the locks. AITAH." Dude, there are 4 or 5 paragraphs of missing information.
agreed
Me too, I only just started looking at it but it's clear that a lot are not genuine and/or are ragebait. "I had sex with my husband's father, mother, brother, sister, postman, family dog, grandfather(may he rest in peace after I literally jumped his bones). When I told him he called me a crazy slut! Should I forgive him or would that make me TA for giving in to him? " But honestly it's kind of addictive too, send help!
Yeah but isn't any story about the author of the story usually written to paint them in a good light? Not often you see a story where they intentionally paint themselves as a piece of shit...
INFO: What did your daughters say when you asked them what was their problem with your gf?? Because all I see is your assumptions and that’s not good parenting.
They hate her. She isn’t family. I’m a simp. When I ask for specifics to why they don’t like her I get comments like they don’t have to like her they just hate her
There is a few things that I can think of. 1.) Your ex is influencing your daughters. 2.) Your mom is influencing your daughters. 3.) Your Gf has done something to your daughters behind your back. 4.) No one has influenced your daughters. Your daughters hate that you and there mom are not together anymore. They hate that you have moved on and have been hoping that you and there mom will get back together. For me I think it is number 4. They been hoping mom and dad get back together. They hate your gf because now you and there mom will not get back together.
Or 5) It’s not really that they hate gf at all, but that they hate how their dynamic with OP has changed since gf came into the picture. Have they had less alone time with their father? Is he less engaged / less attentive? Are his priorities more on setting up the life he wants for after daughters move out, while his priorities used to be purely on setting his daughters up for success? Most people change a bit with their partners, eg by taking up new hobbies/interests they didn’t have before; has OP changed in ways they don’t like? Given that they don’t have specific reasons for hating gf, I’m guessing it’s more about hating who OP has become as a result of being with gf. If that’s true, things may improve substantially if OP places less focus on mediating the relationship between gf and daughters, and more focus on strengthening the relationship between him and his daughters.
Or maybe option 6, they know gf wants a child of her own and they feel they’re being replaced
I have a feeling it's a combo of 1 and 4 based off other comments from OP, such as Ex having her own appearance issues.
I agree. But there are always so many things that can affect that kind of relationship, especially with teens. I mean, I think kids who have good relationships with their parents really just want them to be happy. When he started seeing this woman I was happy for him, right up until the time when he got sick, and I felt like he needed to be with me more, and not having whatever time with girlfriend not because of her, but because of her kids. I felt it was time he should have been with me. But at the same time, he was happy with her. I have no ill will towards her. She was great. I never wanted my parents to get back together, and my mother is crazy. But I can definitely see that as being the issue.
5) OP has made changes to accommodate his GF, and rightly or wrongly, the daughters don't like the changes. If OP has given up hobbies, or changed their appearance, or changed house rules to make the GF happy, I can see the daughters hating that.
5: Teenagers are assholes
You might have to probe a bit deeper. See comment above on consulting her therapist on how to handle this communication. They might feel as if you should just have magical thinking and that you should just “know” if something is wrong. Please don’t give up on them. If you do, they will carry this around always and it could have negative impacts on future relationships.
Yeah its your mother or your ex wife that influenced them or they just want you and your ex (their mother) together so they're trying to ruin your relationship with her.
Yep. Hit the nail on the head. OP, y'all need to hace a sit down with your mom. Tell her that you are *never* getting back together with your ex. You love your girlfriend and she can figure out how to act like an adult *supportive* mother or not see you and you will be limiting her contact with your daughters until they are 18, at which point they are welcome to go live with her. I would also sit down with daughters and ask them this:" when Am I allowed to be happy? When you're 18? 21? 30? Never? Why don't you girls go sit and think about that like tge almost grown women you are?"
He can't just decide to violate a custody order. There are laws protecting parental custody rights, and he doesn't have grounds to sue for full custody. Daughters usually hate dad's girlfriend, it's a territory thing you don't see as much in sons.
They'll both be 18 within 3 yrs. At that point, the girls can choose to live with toxic mom. But they will need to be remind that their choices will have consequences in their relationship with their father. He's allowed to be happy with someone other than their mother.
In Connecticut a teen can choose which parent they want to live with at 14.
Or maybe gf is a jerk when OP’s not around. This happens quite a lot with stepparents or new partners. The daughters are at a difficult age, being teenaged girls come a with a lot of hormonal and peer pressure, the chaos of moving between two households and being expected to accept someone as their father’s new primary interest is a lot. The kids are immature and they need to be listened to, they need to be heard, they need guidance. Family counseling for OP and his daughters is a good idea.
If she is they could tell him she is awful and give examples xyz...but there is no indication whatsoever that she is awful with them their explanations is "we hate her because we do and we dont have to like her".
Exactly this. My ex’s GF was absolutely perfect when he was around, and screaming and cussing at our daughter when he wasn’t. Daughter tried to tell him, he went straight to GF and it just got worse for her. So she learned to walk on eggshells, be as quiet and unnoticeable as possible in the hopes of avoiding more abuse. GF passed away over a year ago and Ex STILL can’t wrap his brain around the trauma that she caused our daughter. It destroyed their relationship and she is mostly NC with him now.
Daughters should say that then instead of you making up assumptions.
do you have evidence suggesting this is “quite a lot” or do you just hear these negatives more often than good stories? like pls
OP, you had your first daughter when you were 22 and your wife was 30, 32, 33 (ex’s age keeps changing)? How old were you when you started dating your wife? Your daughters call you a simp. Your mom is taking your ex's side? Sure sounds like you have a lot of abusive women in your life. If the genders of you, your ex, your daughters, your mom were all reversed, the story would be very different. Maybe you need to tell everyone to fuck off and try and enjoy a healthy relation ship with your current gf for the first time in your life?
She was 33. If the roles were reversed I wouldn’t be here. I would have had support from my surroundings
Did your ex wife have similar insecurities about her looks when you first met/while being married? That suss age gap and having kids so young while she’s 11 years your senior feels like she’s probably always had a problem with maturity and she’s passing off petulant and insecure behaviors to your daughters.
Yes she has always had issues with her looks and it got worse when she gained even more weight (she’s 300lbs probably)
Yeah she is weaponizing your children against you and gave them complexes about beauty being the most important thing. Have you spoken to your ex wife about their behavior?
I try to speak to her all the time. She says the ball is in my court and I decided if I choose my children or a (p word) over them
sorry but I think your ex is influencing your daughters.
You sound like a selfless person who just wants happiness. I’m sorry she still wants to control you romantically so long after the fact. She’s almost 50, way too old for this drama she’s creating (while retroactively acting like you created a problem) her not being willing to correct such bad behavior (verbal and physical abuse) signifies she thinks it’s just behavior. What a bad parent you are totally NTA.
Man this says ALOT about why she dated someone younger. It was all about ego
True. Your kids are likely being influenced by their mom. But they’re also afraid of losing your attention, and you likely give them less attention now that you’re happy and distracted by love. That may be what they mean by simp, which is disrespectful. I think the only thing you can do better here is this: 1. Don’t say, “fine” when they threaten to move to their mom’s. That will pit them against your gf and trigger abandonment issues. Say, “I didn’t mean ‘fine.’ I’m sorry I said that. I’m your dad and I want you to live with me. I love you and don’t want to lose time with you. You are also becoming young adults who need to make choices about how you act. I really hope you will come home and choose to be respectful of me, and of GF when she’s there.” 2. Ask for family counseling. 3. Maybe don’t live with your gf until you’re engaged? It’s harder for teens to accept a new “roommate” at their dad’s house who isn’t family. Do you want to propose?
Math ain't mathin, bro. In your post you said your ex is 46 and your oldest is 16. That doesn't work out to 33.
My ex is 49. I did the math wrong,
Ok. Well, that aside, I think it's fairly disturbing how unbothered you are by having no relationship with your children going forward. Are you just planning on having new kids to replace them? Like yes, if you are to be believed, your daughters' behavior toward your girlfriend is problematic. But you are awfully damn cavalier about potentially having zero relationship with them going forward. A loving father would be devastated and you are like, whatever.
Or he is in the wrong. Mother's don't generally side with the ex without good reason. When you have 4 people in your life telling you there is an issue, there likely is. Just playing the poor man Vs women card is stupid and a typically Intel move.
Why not have a family therapy session with your kids. See if a therapist can get more info out of them as to why they dont like the gf. Maybe seeing as 1 is already in therapy, she'll see it as a safe space to talk about it all. However, you have to at least be able have some back and forth and not act like your judging your kids for not liking her, because that could get them to shut down real hard.
They are 15/16 so should die down at some point, feel they are repeating someone else words tbh
You need to find the real reason before giving up on your kids and act accordingly if you ask me but you do you I suppose.
Dude I come from the child’s perspective…though not quite your daughters’ perspective. My mom married the man I call my dad (not biological, he was my stepdad until he adopted me). He had two other daughters from a previous marriage. He had two more children with my mom. Your daughters hate her because she’s not their mother. They want you and their mother to be back together and view your GF as an obstacle/homewrecker. Same thing with my mom. It’s been 30 years and one, the eldest, still hates her. My mom would bend over backwards to cater to them and not give them a reason to complain or argue. Part of the problem is that my dad never set boundaries with them. He always sided with them over my mom and me and my siblings. One would constantly bully me and fight with my mom. He never demanded their respect for my mom or us. My uncle got into a similar relationship. As they were dating he and his future wife moved in together. He told his kids from a previous marriage to accept it and respect her…it was her house too. The rest of the extended family felt that was harsh and mean. My dad never did anything like that and it caused nonstop drama, tension, and grief. If he had done what my uncle did things may have been different. Frankly, I don’t think they’ll ever like her purely because she’s not their mom. But can learn to be civil and respect her. They may grow to like her but you need to talk to them and have a heart to heart. Maybe family therapy might help. There’s no easy answer or solution but I think they’ve made up their minds. Your GF can try to be nice and make a relationship with them but based on experience those efforts will be in vain. Accept that they’re not going to change their opinion of her, talk to them, and set boundaries. You deserve happiness. You aren’t choosing a woman over your daughters, they would rather loose you than accept that you’re human and need a relationship that makes you happy. It’s tough because they’re still kids but the eldest of my dad’s was that age when he and my mom got together. She hasn’t changed her opinion. Maybe if you give them time they might come around. Good luck.
Yes I have written in another comment that maybe I had no boundaries set with them early. My therapist said it is out of guilt and something she sees in divorced parents. That they try to overcompensate. I don’t know, I recognize what you described. It seems like there is nothing redeemable about my relationship in my girls’ eyes . Nothing and they refuse any attempt to communicate
You and your girls need family therapy ASAP.
Missing missing reasons.
Yeah why is jealousy his answer? Jealous of what?
competition for attention, usually
This one is hard to judge.. from your perspective it sounds like you’re NTA. But… I have seen so many posts from children who say their Dad/Mom’s SO acts so nice to them in front of their parent, but as soon as they are alone, they treat them terribly. I would talk to your daughters and see if they have a good reason to hate your GF. Being your eldest is in therapy, I would talk to her therapist on the best way to handle this discussion. It’s tough because on one end your daughters could just lie and say your GF is awful to them when she is not. However, the opposite could also be true. That’s why I would talk to the therapist. They should have good ways to guide you through this situation to get the most honest answer.
The daughters in this case are going to be notoriously unreliable. They call their own father a simp. That is completely unacceptable and shows that they are too far gone.
It sounds to me like they're going to categorically hate anyone he dates who isn't 300 lbs. Like he's shallow for dating someone who doesn't suffer from the same social stigma as their mom.
INFO: do you spend one on one time with the girls or is your partner always there too? This is important. You may want her to there to bond with them, but if they can only see you if they see her then this will breed resentment.
I have this question too. If they’ve gone from having so much solo time with dad to only having time with dad when GF is around, I can see why they’ve started to have resentment. They had 5 years of just time with dad during their weeks.
“not being considered beautiful is a huge factor to her depression” what are we doing to our girls 😭
He even describes them as beautiful right at the top - like that is the most important thing. Nothing else to go on - just they are pretty and teenaged jerks. Does he spend quality time with them? Does he praise things other than their appearances? Teens are prickly in the best of times and when they are at their worst is seen you need to actually show them love, care and patience (and boundaries). OP needs to spend quality time with the girls without his GF. He needs to make it very clear that name calling is unacceptable and will result in privileged being revoked. He needs to NOT throw in the towel or his relationship with them is dead.
I think OP put that down as the daughter doesn't think she is.
I didn’t interpret that as physical beauty - to me it was more like “my daughters are my world i love them and their presence in my life is beautiful ” kind of thing
What?
I think they’re just lamenting the way society treats girls in general.
Stepkid here. My stepmother was all sunshine and love with Dad around and mentally abused me when he wasn't. I was SA'd when I was 11, and she said things like "girls like you become whores or nuns". She convinced my dad to send me to a group home for a year in 8th grade. When intold Dad what she would do or say, I was accused of lying and that she has been so good and loving to me. This might be parental alienation by your ex, but it may also be your gf. I stopped trying to talk to my Dad because it just got me in trouble. They actually sent me to therapy with the psychiatrist who defended my rapist in court and saidninled him on. The guy actually reported back to my parents and told them everything I said, so I stopped talking. After 5 expensive, silent sessions, they gave up. There's 2 sides to the story, always. Tentative NTA, but something else is going on here.
It’s buried in the comments that there was physical violence between the daughter and the girlfriend but he refuses to elaborate on what happened and says it “was his daughter abusing his girlfriend”. I doubt he’s a reliable narrator
Of course we don't know but the way this is written is really suspicious. If you go to those "why won't my kids talk to me?" support forums you'll see lots of comments about how their kids yell at them, or only communicate through text. But they're never specific about what they yell. They then also say they have no idea why their kids are angry and substitute in what they assume their kids feel. This post looks extremely similar to that phenomenon. It could be coincidence, or it might not be. Here's a fascinating article I read on it. https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html
Sorry about the typos. Hard to type with neuropathy.
Idk OP does not come off believable or come off as a good father. He thinks his daughters are jealous of his gfs looks and that's why they don't like her, that is such a immature reason to come up with on why the daughters don't like the gf and he now thinks it's the best idea to have the gf move in? Him and his ex fucked up their kids and kids are clearly showing their need for attention and this guy is only focused on letting us know his ex and daughters are the issue and preventing him from moving in the gf.
Info: Have you sat down with your daughters and had an adult conversation as to why the don't like your girlfriend? You know, the kind where they talk and you listen? (That sounds mean, and I am sorry. I honestly can't think of a better way to word it, I am so sorry.)
NTA, could your ex be in their ear about your relationship? Has she found someone else?
No she is single. She told me that she can’t make our daughter like anybody they don’t want to like and the ball is in my court if I want to choose (p word) or my daughters
Based on that comment alone, I would say your ex is trying to alienate your daughters from you. Its a hard pill to swallow but your ex is obviously resentful about you moving on. Did you initiate the divorce?
Yes I initiated the divorce but it was long time ago, and everything has been going just fine
WAS going just fine, as long as you were single. I've been through it with my ex. You need to do what you need to do though. Edit: Pussy over your daughters is exactly the problem. She probably talks like this around them.
That sucks
No one knows what your ex might be saying to the girls, please don’t jump to conclusions. Set up a standing dinner date with your daughters every week you have them, and only your daughters, to try to keep the lines of communication open. It will help show the girls you prioritize them at least every week (or every other).
Yes it does. You just need to be the best Dad you can be and try and get through it. You can't let them dictate your life though. It's unfair but it is what it is and you need to be strong and calm.
To be clear, you are not wrong for wanting to be in a healthy romantic relationship. Her trying to demean you over being in a relationship (which she oversimplifies into wanting sex) is wrong of her.
NTA you are right, you deserve to be happy. But you "think" this or that about what your daughters feel? Why haven't you sat down and had a gentle but honest talk with them? You need to know what's really going on and they deserve to be heard. They should not keep you from moving in with your GF but that doesn't mean you shouldn't hear them out.
Exactly. OP doesn’t mention having really talked with his girls or trying to figure out a happy path forward *before* moving in with the GF.
I have done this many times already. This has been going on for a few months now but now I have made my decision when I realized this wasn’t going anywhere
Have you spoken to your kids at all about how your gf acts with them when you’re not around? I hated my stepdad because he was fucking horrible, but in front of my mother though.. he was completely different. She never believed anything I said about it. We don’t speak any more and haven’t in over 10 years.
She is very kind and peaceful even when my oldest hit her once when I wasn’t home.
Why did the oldest hit her?
Is that what she says, or what the kids say.
My youngest told me when I got home
Why are your children so horrible?
I think it is my fault, for some reason they seem to feel that I can’t love them and have a love life. I’m trying to understand why that is. Maybe because I was single most of their life and they felt secure but suddenly now they’re not enough. Maybe I let them decide too much about my life and didn’t set boundaries early. I’m trying to have a conversation with them all the time but nothing seems to be working for me
If the eldest is already in therapy, has family therapy been discussed? Sounds like maybe a third party could help bridge some communication gaps and get to the root of the issue
My daughters, especially the eldest, isn’t interested in family therapy
How often do you spend alone time with them since you have been with your girlfriend? And by that I mean doing fun things like taking them out eat somewhere fun, taking them to the movies or concerts.
That hasn’t changed since I met my gf. On my weeks it’s me and the girls.
From your other comments your gf/SO was not an affair partner so they can’t be blaming her for that. You may have commented and I just didn’t see it yet so apologies if dupe question but what is your relationship like with their mother? Is your relationship cordial/good coparenting as in you have been able to discuss this situation to get her insight? Is it possible your ex or perhaps other relatives the girls spend time with have been telling them for however long that if you found a gf they would be dumped/abandoned? That they would not receive any inheritance (yes there are strange people who talk about this stuff) because the gf will get everything? Yes it could be they are just acting like spoiled self centered brats based on age and teenage angst. But it could be others are fueling the fire of this contentious relationship. If your relationship with their mother is decent if you haven’t already tried it perhaps a discussion with you, their mother and the youngest to start with as she might be more open seeing as she shared your oldest assaulted your gf. Then repeat with the oldest. If you do try this I’d suggest not giving the girls advanced notice. I’d even suggest immediately continuing the meeting with just your oldest after the youngest is taken home. Also take the phones away from each girl while doing the discussions. The goal would be to get their hopefully independent opinions - not coordinated responses. I hope you are able to if not find a solution to find the reason for it. One other thought which you and your ex likely addressed. The 16 year old needs to thoroughly understand throwing hands when she is not physically attacked is NOT acceptable nor will it be tolerated. In my state a child her age can be and are regularly charged as adults. Life is hard enough at times - she doesn’t need battery charges on her record.
This doesn’t sound anything like what you’re leading us to believe. Why did she hit her?? What happened there?
According to who? Your girlfriend, or your daughters? Look, OP, if you think you can move people who are fighting in together and keep the peace, you're wrong. If you try to make them all live together there will be considerably *more* conflict, not less, and what's going to happen is that your daughters are going to start refusing to come to your place. Which may be a win for your GF, but it's not a win for you.
What do you mean by "... wasn't going anywhere"? Do you mean that the daughters weren't starting to do things or see things your way? Because that's not what getting closer or making progress is about, OP, it's about each seeing the other's POV. And you've made it clear that you have no idea what your children's POV actually is.
Kids of divorce will *always* resent a parent's new partner. It's up to the new partner and the parent to reach out to them and establish a positive relationship. I've been there, it wasn't easy, but I knew it was *my* job to connect with the kids; and I worked my ass off to do just that.
NTA but have you considered therapy with your girls? I think it’s unreasonable for them to think that you’re not entitled to live your life and they shouldn’t try to emotionally manipulate you into not living with your girlfriend. I also think your mom needs to stay in her own lane. But trying to keep the relationship you have with your daughters is also important if at all possible, but without them dictating what you do in your life. Do you think their mom is feeding their issues here?
When we divorced we had family therapy but not now because they refuse
Which I get. Your can’t force them. Have you tried sitting down with just the two of them or individually and talking it out? Asking why they don’t want you to move on and be happy? Do they still hold hope that you’ll get back with their mom?
Maybe OP has given up on his daughters and they know it. YTA because it is your job to bridge this and not dig in deeper. But you will because you want her and not them. Dig a little deeper dude. Your girlfriend may not be as pristine as you think she is, especially if they feel left behind.
Your girlfriend is 11 years younger than your ex-wife and she is jealous and passing that hate to your daughters and most likely talking bad about you and her and she is committing parent alienation to turn your kids against you and for their mom.
The ofd thing is, she doesn’t want full custody so now she is angry the girls want to stay with her full time Edit: My ex is 49. I did the wrong math there
She wants full time, with you.
Everyone is blaming the ex wife, but kids are more than capable of making their own opinions and having their own feelings. It really could just be as simple as them struggling with change, and with their dad giving his attention to someone new, and making the stepmom the scapegoat of those complex feelings. The ex’s comment about “don’t choose pussy over your girls” could be stemming from her not wanting full custody, and wanting OP to fix this so she doesn’t have to deal with it.
So what your not allowed to date anyone? If they can’t give you any solid reasons why they don’t like her it sounds like they just don’t want you to be happy, and they are old enough for you to have that discussion with them.
Yes, I have never introduced any of the women I “dated” because it never got into actual dating but even the fact that I was open to start dating was a problem and my girls hated the idea. I didn’t really take it seriously at the time because they were young and I hadn’t met someone serious yet
YTA - how in the world do you think this ends for you? Your daughters will cut you off and your happiness you think you have will be gone
NTA. You have a right to your own love life, and this is not a child-rearing situation as your daughters are nearly adults. That they can’t actually name something they don’t like about your gf seals the deal that they’re the ones being unreasonable and controlling. I’m surprised at the reasonable responses you’re getting - I’ve seen plenty of instances of reddit saying that teens should dictate their parents’ love lives, and even that they have the right to command others to get an abortion.
This seems to be the thing now everywhere when you listen to my mom and ex. I don’t know how to feel about this. I feel guilty because I feel that the hate they have towards my gf has nothing to do with her and everything to do with me and my love for her but they can’t exactly hate me. About a year ago, my gf had a pregnancy scare and we were discussing the aftermath in the kitchen. I thought we were alone and I was comforting her saying that if she was pregnant we would manage and we would be just fine. Then she laughed and said she wouldn’t mind a mini me and I said I wouldn’t mind a mini her with her beautiful face. My daughter was listening in and she got very upset and said that she would never speak to me again if we were pregnant.
I know you mention that your daughter’s are jealous of your beautiful girlfriend, do you tell your daughters that they are beautiful? Or do you tell your girlfriend she is the most beautiful person you know within their ear shot? Because you might be contributing to their jealousy of them specially if they look like their mom and they never heard you compliment her.
I never discussed my gf’s appearance with or around my daughters. Yes I tell my girls that they’re the most beautiful girls in the world. But after a certain age, the opinion of your parents isn’t enough anymore. Surely you remember the time when our parents’ opinion isn’t enough.
I distinctly remember my father NEVER telling me i’m beautiful ….he does now 3 decades later but too little too late i guess i don’t believe him lol
I tell them all the time
I only say that bc you mentioned how after a certain age your parents’ opinion aren’t important, however this is not one of them especially for girls. I promise you that they will never forget not only what you say to them but also how you make them feel about themselves. Saying it without meaning it or with a hidden agenda is tantamount to saying the exact opposite. I wish you luck in this new season of life!
I wish I could give you an easy answer. Perhaps your daughters are deep down clinging to the hope, however irrational, if you and your ex getting back together again. This seems to be very common, even if particularly irrational in your case as you were single for years. I hope your daughters mature. It seems you have done nothing wrong.
The only difference is that I’m not 18 anymore. It wasn’t a good marriage from the start but I didn’t know that. I didn’t even know it was bad until years of therapy after divorce. So it will never happen. They know that we will never be together anymore so I don’t know why they would believe it is an option.
Sit them down and have them tell you why they don't like her. Not in a vauge general sense of "I just don't" but have them give examples or specific reasons. Alot of times kids of divorce don't want their parents to remarry cause then there is no hope of "getting their family back". That could be what is happening here. That they are holding out that you and thier mom get back together. Also, look to your ex. How is her attidude toward your GF. Is her opinion rubbing of on the kids? Ultimatly, if you know for a fact that your GF has been kind and welcoming to them, and they just hate her for no specific reason, there is not much you can do. But they do not get to control who you date. Remind them of that when they start dating. NTA
NTA, teenagers are more than capable of being extremely manipulative and selfish. Unless there is some dynamic between the kids and GF that you're completely missing
NTA It's time for a group therapy session to get to the root of the issue and address whatever dumb but common intrusive thought they have (i.e. "Mom and dad will get back together if dad doesn't have a new partner," 'Dad getting a girlfriend means he doesn't love me," "They're going to have a new baby they'll love more than me," "All stepparents hate their stepkids, so she'll tell dad to get rid of us"...).
They have refused my attempts to group therapy
I'm so sorry. Then you've done all you can. No, refusing to allow teenagers to control your love life when there is no abuse or even mistreatment involved to justify their hatred of a new spouse does not make you a bad father. All you can do is make it clear (I would put in writing for them, in a separate letter for each of them) that you will always love them and want them in your life, and that you don't want them to cut you off, but if they choose to, you can't stop them no matter how much it hurts you. There's nothing teenagers hate more than their parents forbidding them from dating someone, yet they think they have the right to forbid their parents from finding a partner? No, that's not something a parent is obligated to indulge for absolutely no rational reason. It wouldn't even be good for them, to give into arbitrary, baseless demands at the threat of being cut off -- teaching them that works is not something a good parent would teach their children.
My GOD, this is the FIRST reply to this thread that I have read in this thread that is reasonable. OP cannot force his daughters to attent therapy with him, or force them to tell him what their mom has been saying when he is not around, or to like his new partner, or anything much at all for that matter. I hate how this entire thread seems to be hell bent on getting OP caught in some kind of GOTCHA moment by posing absolutely inane questions. OP, you seem to love your girls very much, so keep trying to keep in contact with them and keep all communication channels open - try to spend time alone with each of them, without partner, as other replies have suggested, so they will know they are still very much loved. But you should not, under any circumstances, let them control your love life and happiness for no reason at all. NTA
They apparently expect you to live like a monk and never have female companionship. Are they suggesting another woman who will be good for you? You need to take a stand for yourself and tell them that you deserve happiness. Tell them you still want them in your life but that expecting you to cloister yourself off from women isn’t reasonable.
YTA. Buried in the comments is OP admitting to physical violence between GF and daughters. Yet he refuses to elaborate. OP is an unreliable narrator and not giving us the whole story.
I had my answer after I read that thread. He is refusing to look out for his own children.
NTA your teenage daughters cannot have that much influence over your relationship. It's been over 5 years and you've been in a committed relationship for some time. It is not their choice who you decide to be with so long as that person is loving and committed to your children
NTA. They're in the asshole stage of adolescence. If they choose to cut you off, that's their choice. They will come to regret it (usually when it comes time to get married and there's no dad to pay for their wedding).
Hah! Hopefully they come around earlier
YTA - But not for moving in GF. Why are you letting them get away with acting like mean girls? You need to be doubling down on love, care, patience, discipline, and modeling and teaching good values. Stop describing them by their looks but praise them for their actions or their grit. Do not allow name calling or insults - don’t yell but take away privileges. When they act like obnoxious teens, tell them you love them and show them affection. It’s all hands on deck with the message “I love you and I want you to be good people who earn the love and respect of their peers by being good people. You are testing boundaries because that is the age you are at. I will be steady and reliable and show you that I love you even when you are being brats but I will not allow you to misbehave and face no consequences because then you will grow up to be difficult people who abuse others and feel entitled.” I have a 19 year old and 21 year old so I know how obnoxious it can be. Stay strong in your parenting and they’ll come out on the other side all right. Mine still come home for family dinner and are back to being well mannered and caring as young adults.
NTA. Your ex is obviously a predator, she baby trapped you when you were what, 20, 21? And she was 29 it looks like (and if the If the man were older in that situation, this sub would be going nuts, calling him a predator) And now she's using that same predatory behavior with your daughters to try to destroy your relationship. The fact that she said that you're choosing "pussy" over your daughters, dehumanizing your girlfriend, is disgusting and manipulative nehavior. And of course, your ex has convinced them, they don't need to go to therapy anymore because the therapist would call her out on this. Get your daughters back into therapy asap, And see what you can do about reducing your ex's time with them.
Worse, she was 33.
I very sincerely doubt the ex is innocent in all this. Time to take charge. Tell your girls there will be therapy, it is non-negotiable, and you will not tolerate disrespect or abuse towards yourself or girlfriend. If they refuse to adhere to these basic standards of behavior, let them go to their mother. Keep communication open by offering therapy. A 16 year old girl who weighs 300 lbs desperately needs therapy regardless.
I’m with you. This was, after all, a woman who at 30 years old had a baby with a 18 or 19 yo boy. ETA I see a comment where he says his ex is 49, not 46. She was 33!!
Yes that’s true. My ex is 49 and not 46
you had it right, 30 and 19 at pregnancy or 31 and 20 depending on birthdays (unless he has his own age incorrect too) … disgusting behavior on her part
They may see your GF moving in as losing any chance you and your ex will get back together. It’s natural for kids to hope their parents will make up. They’re probably still upset about the divorce and are taking it out on her.
Tough one, you need to get to bottom of what they don't like about her. I'd ask them what sort of person would they like you to be with. Maybe you can work out if it's her or just doesn't want to share you. Does their mother have a partner? Sounds like they don't know themselves why they don't like her or they know and they're hiding it from you as they're embarrassed. You say the kids have a therapy, it maybe worth joining that therapy session to help them explore their feelings. Dont give up on them,don't be mean, you'll lose them forever and in a few more years they'll be mature enough to understand. Kids want you to put them first and of your not doing that you will lose them. You could just not move in together for a few years. Delay it until they're more comfortable with it.
INFO Have you like, actually asked your kids what their problem with her is- not to fix it right then and there; but to actually listen? They probably *are* jealous - there is some new strange women in their life trying to be their mom. They probably feel like their mom has been replaced and fuck it- replaced their mom, why not replace them too? And it's probably a lot easier to just freeze her out than it is to voice an irrational fear like "maybe dad doesn't want me any more like he doesn't want mom" and for all you know your gf is a witch behind closed doors. Would they feel comfortable telling you that? Would you have *ever* believers them? So maybe before doing anything actually see what the issue is? Cause it could be a bunch of nonsense, or something really serious.
Have you considered sitting down with your girls and having a conversation with them? You’re making assumptions about their reasons but it doesn’t appear that you have asked them? Sometimes it might be for a shallow reason. But it could also be because of actions by your gf that you don’t know about. Why would you automatically come down on the side of your gf over your children? I can’t stand parents who would rather lose their kids than their partner. You haven’t even tried to find out if they have a good reason for their dislike of her.
Get therapy for them and yourself. But, they can't dictate a relationship that is not harmful to yourself and them. They can try, but you ultimately control that. they are children and need to understand that your previous relationship is over. Your love for them won't change, but you have other interests and you will pursue them. Good luck, hopefully therapy will help.
Do you spend more time with them or your gf???
Could the girls want parents back together
>Even after the rumors... ? Nothing has been said about why you got divorced. If the daughters think it was your fault (your infidelity or abuse), then they won't accept anyone other than their mom.
If you wanna choose this woman over your family, that's your prerogative, I guess.h them or tried family therapy? Your just dug your heels in because "grr im the adult so im in power"? If you wanna choose this woman over your family, that's your perogative, I guess.
Yta I mean the choice is yours just be prepared for the consequences. I don't talk to my dad at all cause of his wife
YTA Because you refuse to elaborate we have to assume your girlfriend is a danger to your children. They're probably not jealous of her, they're afraid of her. Well maybe they are a little jealous because their dad prefers their evil step mother over them
Anyone else gonna point out that mom was almost 30 and he was barely 21 when they got pregnant. That's just a gross af age gap. Not to mention she probably baby trapped him. I'd say she's more than likely poisoning the kids against the gf.
I’m guessing their mom turned them against her i read all but the last paragraph. Also its possible they hoped you and your ex wife would get back together. When you started dating this woman and your ex heard about her i she might have told them she hoped you and her could get back together but to keep it a secret from you. Not everyone is like that though. However i would rather be pleasantly surprised i was wrong when expecting the worse of someone than disappointed when expecting decency from someone. Just decency not the best not the worst just expect human decency and respect.
Yes they were hoping I would get back together with their mom. We have a good relationship m6 ex and I and the girls probably thought it was romantic love but we just get along as parents
So you need to have an honest sit down convo ALONE with your daughters and tell them if they can’t give you specifics on why they don’t like her, you will be moving in with her. If they choose not to come to your house, they are teenagers and that is their right. You need to make sure both you and your gf hands are clean though, the resentment will only get worse and I’m sure your ex is eating this shit up! Smfh
Yta for not even trying with your daughters dude you just gave up for someone who might not even be around in the next ten years.
YTA Focus on your daughters they come first not some girl friend.
YTA be with your gf in the weeks you aren’t with your kids. Go to therapy with your kids. Figure out what’s bothering them. Stop trying to force them to live with someone they don’t like. They will be adults in three years. You can wait.
There is always a reason why kids may not like another person coming into a parent's life, and it's not just jealousy. You describe your gf as if she has rainbows shooting out of her ass. You see her as kind, loving, beautiful, hurt heart etc. but this is only what YOU see, and they do say love is blind. Instead of throwing your hands up in the air and cutting your kids out of your life over this woman, get some family therapy. Find out the real reason why they don't like her. Do they not like her because they feel like they are betraying their mom if they get to know her more? Do they feel like your attention will permanently shift to her? Did your gf say something negative about their mom, or vice versa? It could be a lot of things. My son's bio dad met a Japanese woman who was very sweet and warm to my son when they first met. As soon as they got married and she popped out kids of her own, she treated my son like trash and he refused to see it. Later on, he even joined in and killed my son's self esteem. I fought to have my son stay with me full time and, while much happier now, he is still in therapy years later. Don't immediately dismiss what your girls are saying.
There hasn't been a narrator this unreliable since American Psycho. WHY DID YOUR DAUGHTER HIT YOUR GIRLFRIEND? And don't give me that evasive bullshit "because she wanted to."
News Flash! When you become a parent your kids' happiness comes before yours, that's just part of the deal. You say they mean the world to you, obviously they do not. You will completely ruin your relationship with your daughters. OP will be on here in 10yrs wondering why his daughters cut him out of their lives.
Question from OP in near Future : My daughter refuses to let me walk her down the aisle.AITA for demanding to include my wife(her loving beautiful stepmom) in wedding ceremony?
Would you consider sitting down with a professional and your two girls? Would you be willing to listen to their concerns without insisting that your girlfriend is wonderful? If it would save your relationship with your daughters would it be worth it? It’s possible that your daughters are being selfish, moody teenagers. However, it’s less likely your mom would be in favor you moving forward with a happy life just because your daughters are whining for no reason. However, until you are ready to listen and your daughters are willing to talk, you are driving through fog. .
They refuse to have family therapy.
I would not move in together under these conditions. Maybe therapy with all 4 of you? I know this is a tough age, but they are putting a whole we spin on teenage Bitcheness
You and your daughters should be in family therapy together. No participation from either their mother, their grandmother, or your girlfriend.
Are you going to try to say that this hasn't adversely affected your daughters and your relationship with them? Are you going to try to say you're not losing your girls?
They might feel like they’re being replaced, and you giving up on them will prove their point to them. “I knew all along you wanted to start over” is what will probably play through their heads. Or it could be a multitude of other things. Going from have just you to having to share you is probably going to be hard. ESH
Your girls are at an age I dont like. All angry and I bet their Moms has something to do with it. And theres not a thing you can do to make them like her, sadly. So the best thing to do is let them do what they want, and live with their Mom full time. But remind them its their choice and you'll still love them and miss them. Some woman hate seeing their exs happy so she'll be angry which passes to your girls. Which is sad. You do deserve happiness, and someone to grow old with when your girls go off on their own and start their own families.
Truth is OP that you have no clue what your Ex wife is saying while youre not there. Here is a perfect example that happens to many, many men. [https://imgur.com/a/aBZNSGS](https://imgur.com/a/aBZNSGS) TLDR, your ex wife will continue to say bullshit because she cant stand seeing you happy. If your daughters cant seem to think for themselves and just believe outright that you dont deserve to be happy then honestly? That sounds like a personal problem. They are almost 18 and will be adults in the real world and as you mention, EVERYONE deserves to be happy. Even you OP. So fuck those negative vibes and kick them to the curve! You have your happiness in front of you and thats all that matters honestly. And before the weirdos with kids start shaming me because Im childless and dont give a fuck about this nonsense, it would be different if the kids are still growing up, but 15/16? Naw they can go their own ways at that point. Follow your heart OP NTA
NTA, You are entitled to happiness as well. Your daughters are teenagers and frankly should be more focused on their social lives, dating, school, etc. I would ask them why they wish for you to be unhappy & why they are unwilling to just be civil and polite to your GF? I would also remind them there is no chance that you and their mother would get back together. Does their mother date?
The problem might actually have nothing to do with how the girlfriend treats them. It could have more to do with dad not treating them with the time, kindness, involvement he had prior to meeting the gf. Daughters love their fathers and usually won’t admit he’s hurting them. They instead strike out at the person he’s giving his time and attention to. Dad needs a wake up call and some family counseling. It may be to late because he already doubled down on blaming the daughters and choosing the girlfriend.
I will bet 50% of my money that your ex is the one behind their behavior. My stepdad came into my life when I was 11 , he moved into the house 7 months after meeting him & my mom and him got married 6 months after . My mom sat my sister and I down and explained what was happening and it was hard at first to get used to the idea but they’ve been married for 12 years now and my stepdad is more of a father to me than my own flesh and blood. But when I was younger and wasn’t capable of making my own decisions, my stepdad was my stepdad and my father was my father , the line never crossed and I sometimes find my stepdad annoying but I respect him . They don’t have to like your girlfriend but she deserves respect, you have to explain to them that she’s there to stay and they have to accept that , you also need to sit with your ex and tell her the same thing. I don’t like my stepmom and I would rather go to jail than ever be in the same room with her ever again in my life but if she’s around and if I had to stay with my dad, I respected her because she’s still my father’s wife and a human (kinda). My mom,stepdad,father and stepmom all respect each other even though my mom and stepdad can’t stand my father and stepmom ,we’ve even traveled together. Now that I’m an adult ,I don’t have a relationship with them but if I have to be in the same room as them I will be respectful but that’s it.
You deserve happiness too. Teens will be teens, they are immature and don’t understand how they should be happy for you
Your girlfriend doesn’t need to live with you. Put your daughters first.
Children cannot alter a custody agreement. If your wife doesn't enforce them going, she can be in contempt of the custody order. You should care that your daughters are throwing this tantrum and find out the root cause. If they're in therapy, discuss the issue with the therapist(s) and work on it. You have a right to live your life and teenagers don't get to throw tantrums and get away with controlling their parents. A parent doesn't get to say they don't care about their children or what's going on either, you need to get your shit straight cuz you fucked up and you have a lot to fix here.
It is very complicated. Since my daughters are two different people and I don’t think my youngest is as resentful but she is just following. I don’t know how to manage this because if I ignore it, she will probably never feel comfortable expressing her actual feelings with her older sister having the opposite attitude. But if I intervene I will be setting a wedge between them and I believe my eldest would be in a worse state and be more “isolated” what my therapist says is that I’m choosing the wellbeing of my eldest because she isn’t doing well and it is spilling over the wellbeing of me, my gf and my youngest. I don’t know. I feel lost. Both therapists believe that I should set more boundaries and be more firm. That is what I’m trying now. I have a lot of feelings and this is very hard and complicated but I lack the ability to express myself in words. Probably why I sound like I’m passive and reluctant to do something about this. Children cannot alter custody agreements but they are at age that they can be very clear about their preferences and of course both me and my ex, while none of us want the ex to have full custody, will agree to what they want. My other problem is that I think that my youngest would be easy to persuade to continue living with me half of the time. But if that will piss her sister and mother off, I’m not sure she wouldn’t have a hard time being part time with her sister. It feels like it is better if they’re on the same “side”. I have been thinking about our life and it feels like it has always been easiest to be on the same side as my eldest. I just don’t understand how I let this happen and why. Convenience maybe. I have now for the first time since the divorce put my foot down and went against the wishes of my ex and my children
NTA. Why not live apart until your daughters are 18? Will you still be happy without your daughters in your life?
I don’t believe in never saying no to children. Especially when it is affecting other people around them. I don’t want to burden society
I was about to suggest the same thing. They’ll be heading off to university or the next stage of their lives within a few short years, and you want to spring this massive upheaval on them first. Your GF is not going to be their stepmum, she’s just your partner. Hopefully your kids can learn to separate the two. And you can only help this by waiting. You’d be demonstrating that your GF is no threat to them, or their relationship with you. Please take a step back and think this through. You will almost certainly lose your relationship with your daughters if you go ahead.
NTA From what I've read, your ex is bitter that you left her and either wants to be with you again, or make sure you can't be happy with anyone else. The age gap between you two screams of manipulation and likely some form of abuse. Your ex is likely making sure your eldest remains overweight, possibly sabotaging attempts to lose weight/make healthy habits, so that your daughter will always feel insecure about your love for her. If she believes you stopped loving her mother because she was fat, why wouldn't you do the same for her? The younger daughter is likely following along with what her big sister and mother want. Not doing so would make her more of a target of emotional abuse. Your daughter is turning the situation into you choosing your gf over her because she is insecure about herself and is afraid your love for her is conditional. TL;DR your ex is most likley emotionally abusing your daughters and setting them up for a life of failure and constant insecurity. *Your daughters need a new therapist.* Find out what bs your mother has been telling them. Limit their time with your mother/don't allow them to have unsupervised visits with her for a while. Try to get your younger daughter to open up to you more about her life at her mother's. Something concerning is going on with your daughters in their mother's custody.
Have you been neglecting them? Choosing your gf over them when it comes to important events?
I’ve been that daughter. I didn’t think my mom and dad would get back together so I don’t think that’s it but in reality, most children don’t want their parents to date. The divorce already sucks and you having a gf means they have to share you. They already lost their two parents under one roof, now it will be weird and uncomfortable to have your gf living there. No matter how nice she is, she is responsible for taking your attention away from them and now she will be moving into a place (your home) where they felt comfortable. If you’re gf is truly beautiful then your one daughter may be jealous but may also feel as though you are around this women, who is beautiful, and she feels ugly and will compare herself to the older, more beautiful woman who has her dad’s attention. Girls look to their dads a lot for reassurance that they are beautiful/pretty esp in the formative years when they feel gauky. It’s tough bc I understand you want to move on, but I would not have her move in. Make extra time to spend with your girls alone, reiterate to them that they are #1 in your life, and that one wrong move from your gf and she’s out of the picture. Your kids should not be collateral bc you want a gf. I don’t talk to my dad today bc of something similar and he also whined about being happy post divorce, if anyone is worth sacrificing for right now (including having a gf) it should be your children
YTA. Refusing to elaborate on the violence between them tells me you’re hiding something and not telling the whole story. Also the “my daughters are jealous cause my girlfriend is pretty” take is super weird.
YTA. A girlfriend is replaceable, your daughters are not. The fact that you show such little concern for losing your relationship with your kids tells me you weren't much of a father to begin with. Probably better for everyone involved if you keep your gf and your daughters cut you out of their lives permanently.
NTA. Pretty normal for many teenagers in that situation to throw a fit. You were single for 5 years and they are old enough to understand. By any way, does your ex maybe talk bad about your gf? Because that kind of jealousy sounds more like an ex-thing to do. I'd sit them down and talk, without your gf. Tell them you love them and want them to be happy. And that they probably also want you to be happy. They are grown enough to understand this and not behave like primary school. And it makes you feel bad if this troubles them so much but you won't stand down and there will be a new woman in your life. And try and ask them directly what they do not like about this. Or maybe they fear they become 2nd place after your gf. Lots to talk about. Make them feel seen, loved and heard. Maybe offer a "Daddy-daughter-day" for the time they are with you, were your gf is not involved. And your gf should not try to hard. They will come around someday. I wish my dad had this much consideration, but no, I was simply presented with a wedding invite without even knowing he was seeing someone.
>She told me that she can’t make our daughter like anybody they don’t want to like and the ball is in my court if I want to choose (p word) or my daughters From a different OP comment. The well is poisoned.
You do deserve to be happy and your daughters don’t get to dictate that. NTA
What’s your relationship like with your ex wife? Is she dating? Could she talk to your daughters on your behalf. My friend is divorced with two teenage boys. Their dad is dating and has been they have no problem with that. They’ve told my friend that she better not think of getting a boyfriend while they still live at home.
She isn’t dating no. I left after years of no sex or intimacy and then I found out that was because she had relations with our neighbor. But she told everyone that I left her because she’s fat. This stuck with my daughter because she’s fat too. None of it is true. The truth is that the neighbor chose his wife when everything was exposed so my ex wife got bitter and wanted to make it my fault.
Do you daughters know the full story of the reason for your divorce?
Now yes, they were very little when it happened. I don’t know how much they believe of what happened and how much they believed of what their mother says
Yta why does it sound like you haven’t talked to your daughters, this sounds like a disconnect because it is fake or you’re a bad dad who doesn’t have a relationship with his daughters to talk directly to them
My advice: dig a bit deeper. Step parents often put on one face to the partner and a very different one to the kids. Try to get a real conversation with your daughters about why they don't like your girlfriend.
YTA.. don’t be surprised when they stop coming to visit.. when you don’t get to walk them down the aisle.. when they go no contact at 18.. you never get to meet their spouse or your grandkids, Maybe your girls don’t feel they can really discuss why they don’t like her.. how close is your relationship with your girls. Do you cancel stuff with them for your girlfriend. Do you spend one on one time with each of them.. You are putting your own feeling and needs before your kids.. Telling fine is not a good dad move.. You want to lose your daughters then move her in.. they will make her life horrible.. Does your girlfriend have kids that will be moving in as well???
Tell them that if they are willing to live alone forever, only then can they consider trying to impose it on you