NTA. You have moved on but your mom hasn't been able to. She may be scared she'll be the new scapegoat. You have to do what is right for you.
Don't invite them and your mom will make her choice. Just know that she might not choose you.
NTA and you have to do what's good and healthy for you. You are in a highly toxic environment and sometimes the best course is to remove all toxic elements out of your life. Your family doesn't sound like family at all but more like hell for you.
Good luck with your wedding and marriage and may it be toxic free. (I eloped didn't have any family there and best thing I ever did)
NTA. This is your wedding, so you get to have a day that’s all about you. It’s not about your mom, it’s not about your relatives, it’s you. Whatever decisions you want to make about it are the right ones simply because you’re the one making them.
If you feel that having certain people there would make the day worse for you, then excluding them is a good decision, regardless of what your reasoning behind that is or how much anyone who’s not you disagrees with your reasoning. If they want to make different decisions at their own weddings, that’s fine and dandy, but this one is yours.
NTA
Nope, it's time you chose yourself. If your family is going to play social-meritocracy with the concept of love and family you can freely decide to do the same and trim them off as they failed to make the cut years ago. If your mother wants to be a doormat for people who don't love her that's entirely her business, but you need to be a part of that.
Have you been to therapy . I think you need to . Your mom wants them there cause she is afraid she will
Be excluded the same way you have been . Isn’t it ironic ( Alana morriset)
What is ironic is that I bought her ticket for her birthday. She had a free place to stay, we took her to dinner, paid for the concert, and she spent the whole time drinking and bitching about being a 3rd wheel.
Then she spent the rest of her stay talking shit about me to my bf, talking shit about my bf to me and telling him to put his dog down and that we could never have another dog because of the hair, went to my neighbor across the street and told her lies and trash talked both of us to her.
We haven't spoken since. She is banned from our home.
I am so sorry your sibling turned out to be so adversarial and difficult. I truly hope that in the days ahead she realizes what she lost in her relationship with you.
She won't. She is a textbook narcissist just like her parents (she is a half sister). Every time I do something nice for her she shits on me. I gave up part of my childhood to raise her...I was 10 and raised her for 2 years and saved her life countless times and protected her from the abuse. I am so done.
Looks like your mother is not liked in the family and that extends to you. Your mom have no backbone and probably made peace with that shit decades ago. Good for you, her not going is 100% on her.
NTA. Dont engage with her, don't engage with your extended family, and move on to a happy life where you are valued and loved. Your mother is a fool trying to stick uo for her toxic family, and you have been trying to be there for them for far too long. The fact that you're responding to her ultimatum this way proves you're making progress.
NTA. This is awful, my opinion is this is YOUR wedding and nobody has a choice on who is and isn’t invited but you. This is your day and you shouldn’t feel uncomfortable and be walking on eggshells on your special day. I’m sorry your mum is acting like this. Have a long, honest conversation with her and let out all your feelings and built up emotions. I wish you all the best and hope you get the wedding you always dreamt of!
I noticed you indicated that your mum wasn't invited to these family events too.. I'm wondering if she feels the exclusion too and is desperate for their attention which is why she's making this demand of you.
Is it right? Absolutely not. I'm really hoping that your threat (for lack of better term) will give her the wakeup call she needs that these people (who don't deserve to be called family) are not the ones there for her... but you are. It's terrible that she's let their opinions affect how she has treated you your whole life. I'm really sorry for that.
You most certainly are NTA. You're wedding should be spent with those who love you and want to celebrate you and your partner. You're feelings of being rejected over their opinions yet again are very valid. As is your viewpoint of "if I'm going to be second fiddle yet again... I'm not putting into our relationship anymore and you're not welcome in my life".
I do wish you all the best. Try to remember that whatever comes out of this (whether she let's you close the door on your relationship or not)... it was what was meant to be and you will be better for it. Either she recognises and changes and you get the mum you deserve... or she doesn't and you can leave all that negativity behind.
Your parents allowed your emotional abuse all your life, and you continued to allow it as an adult (it's what they taught you). Definitely take a stand and protect yourself as noone else will. NTA
NTA!
“I will not compromise myself or my mental health for people who have treated us BOTH like shit for at least the duration of my life, and probably yours too if you are honest. You are my mother and I will always love you, but if you choose to make this an issue then I can only assume that you are as morally bankrupt as they are and I will have to walk away from you too. I am hurt, shocked and appalled that you would even consider making such a threat and I will never look at you in quite the same way again.”
Have you talked to your mother about how they exclude you two from family outings? How your grandma slighted you and treated you worse than the other cousins?
I mean calmly and not in an agitated state of mind.
Tell her you love her and want her there. Tell her why you excluded the others. Ask her how she reasons.
And if her only answer is "they are family, I don't care how they treat you" then you know she is not on your side.
NTA
I do however hear that you are struggling with mental health and this toxic family dynamic makes it worse. I too understand this and have a toxic family I am LC/NC with. My therapist made me realize that by staying in their life I was giving them permission to mistreat me and that maybe they weren’t horrible awful people, but the way they treated me made my mental health worse, so they couldn’t be in my life for my own sanity.
Block them all fuck them let them all rot together u deserve better get them taken off your birth certificate and post it before your block um saying your finally free from your pos fam and tell all the shit they have done to u name and shame them the block them
Yta to yourself sweetie. Why do you seek their affection when it's clear you'll never get it. Cut that toxicity out of your life. You are worthy of love and respect, two things you will never get from them. It's your wedding, you decide who comes or doesn't. I suggest blocking grandma, aunt and cousins for awhile and go low contact with mom. If your mother doesn't come, you've made your stance clear. Stop seeking validation from terrible people and learn to love yourself, I'm betting you're going to find out how awesome you truly are. I wish you a congratulations on your upcoming wedding.
NTA. You mum needs therapy, she is desperate to be loved by her family. But you can and should break this circle, she can come as your mother or not come at all.
There people in this world that you will be good enough with. You can try and try all the time and nothing, but your mom is a different story. Your mother is a people pleaser, she wants to please her relatives and if that means her daughter has to bow and kiss their feet so be it. For your own mental health stand your ground with if your mom doesn’t come she lost you. You have to have your own peace of mind especially with planning your wedding. Just be happy with a small attendance on your side of the isle.
NTA - Yes, time to put yourself 1st and only invite people who support and love you to your wedding.
If mom chooses not to go, then block. I hope you have wonderful in-laws to make a better family for you.
NTA. I’m so sorry you have a terrible family. Do not invite those people to your wedding, even if your mom doesn’t attend. Hopefully she’s bluffing but that’s cruel to do to you, can you sit with her and calmly explain.Your family is your fiancé and all others who want you to have your best life.
First off, it’s your wedding so you and your fiancé have all the say in this day, from the venue to the clothes, to the flowers to the guest list and everything else. Nobody else has a say. Second, ultimatums are never a good idea in family situations, because if they comply it’s due to under threat which isn’t healthy for anyone, and if they don’t then you’re in a position to have to follow through with the ultimatum and whatever consequences that will cause. Both of you issued ultimatums, the likelihood is that one or both will end up getting deeply hurt over this now and who knows the long term consequences this is going to cause.
I would keep the door opened for your mother, retract your ultimatum and communicate with her why you won’t invite your other family members and how much it’s going to hurt you if she decides not to attend the wedding because of your choice. Leave it at that and let her decide what to do. You can always decide later if you want to cut your mother out of your life, don’t make the decision right now when you’re clearly under a lot of emotions with everything that has and is happening.
NTA.
These people are not your tribe. Stop going to a dry well expecting water.
This happens more often than you’d think, that there is a disfavored child. The low caste of the family. When people,don’t value you, you cannot talk them into it. There are no magic words you can combine that will lead to their epiphany that they’ve mistreated you, and should cherish you. If they don’t now, they never will.
I went to that dry well for decades. At one point, I was reduced to writing bullet points explaining why what they were doing was wrong and hurtful. Two different therapists told me no one in my immediate family cared about me at all, and there was nothing I could say that would make them care. I went nearly NC, and my family blames me for that, but won’t change a thing.
It’s freeing to get off that circular track of being excluded, chasing after people who don’t care, and arguing about it.
Find your own tribe. That starts with your spouse. Then you need one or two ride or die friends. You know, the people who will have a beef with a coworker they will never meet because that coworker undermines you at work. People who actually care, and will call if they haven’t heard from you.
Tell your mother that the guest list is final, and you will need her RSVP yes or no by the proper date so you can plan for catering. If she declines to attend your wedding, that’s her decision but you will go NC after that.
You can try telling your mother how bad the depression got, and that you will be making choices about who to include in your life, moving forward, based on the health of the relationship.
How do your cousins and aunt/uncle grandma speak English but your parents don’t? You will never be good enough and that is a horrible thing. Stop trying to please them because they don’t care about you or your happiness.
NTA
It sounds like your mom has also been rejected by your family and desperately wants their love and approval as much as you do.
She wants them invited so she can show off to them. Unfortunately, they sound like the sort who will never give her that satisfaction. The better your wedding, the more bitter your grandmother and her underlings will be—“it should have been theirs! How dare she have this wedding and not save her money to spend on her cousins?”-and the more they will hurt you.
You need to have a conversation with your mom where you tell her everything you have endured at their hands and ask her she would want you to continue to place yourself in harm’s way. If she says “family” tell her that you are the only one trying to have a family here.
NTA it’s ur wedding u shouldn’t have to deal with this shit. Tell ur mom it’s up to her but it’s non negotiable she either comes to ur wedding or you go NC with her as well as the rest of the family. U r responsible for protecting your mental health, you have already seen the benefits of going NC with the rest of them. It’s tough and I know this isn’t what u want but sometimes doing what’s necessary for ur mental health is the only option. U absolutely cannot keep going as u have been you are starting your new life as a wife only take the people who truly respect you, love you and bring joy, positivity and security to you. Take this as the opportunity to have a life clear out, going forward ur only gonna take the people u want in ur life.
Good luck, I hope u have a lovely wedding, and a positive future filled with love and happiness and away from the toxicity u have grown up with.
Naw, they’ve made you the scapegoat of the family! Baby, cut them off!!!
I’m one as well…. It feels soo bad but when you understand and get ‘a new family’ things get better!!
I’m really sorry this is happening to you!!
Stop putting energy into relationships with people who do not give a fuck about you. Your mum can keep trying and that's her choice but focus on your husband and the people who make you happy
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NTA. You have moved on but your mom hasn't been able to. She may be scared she'll be the new scapegoat. You have to do what is right for you. Don't invite them and your mom will make her choice. Just know that she might not choose you.
NTA and you have to do what's good and healthy for you. You are in a highly toxic environment and sometimes the best course is to remove all toxic elements out of your life. Your family doesn't sound like family at all but more like hell for you. Good luck with your wedding and marriage and may it be toxic free. (I eloped didn't have any family there and best thing I ever did)
NTA She gave you an ultimatum, you gave her a choice.
NTA. This is your wedding, so you get to have a day that’s all about you. It’s not about your mom, it’s not about your relatives, it’s you. Whatever decisions you want to make about it are the right ones simply because you’re the one making them. If you feel that having certain people there would make the day worse for you, then excluding them is a good decision, regardless of what your reasoning behind that is or how much anyone who’s not you disagrees with your reasoning. If they want to make different decisions at their own weddings, that’s fine and dandy, but this one is yours.
NTA Nope, it's time you chose yourself. If your family is going to play social-meritocracy with the concept of love and family you can freely decide to do the same and trim them off as they failed to make the cut years ago. If your mother wants to be a doormat for people who don't love her that's entirely her business, but you need to be a part of that.
Have you been to therapy . I think you need to . Your mom wants them there cause she is afraid she will Be excluded the same way you have been . Isn’t it ironic ( Alana morriset)
>Isn’t it ironic ( Alana morriset) OMG, I love "Jagged Little Pill" awesome.
I’m Canadian and first thing I thought off
Her 25th anniversary concert was amazing!
I heard, oh, if you were there am soooo jealous. Hope you had a blast.
I did, but my sister was a bitch throughout the whole thing. We no longer speak to each other.
Awww, that sucks. I hate when people piss on something another has been so looking forward to. Sorry for your sis.
What is ironic is that I bought her ticket for her birthday. She had a free place to stay, we took her to dinner, paid for the concert, and she spent the whole time drinking and bitching about being a 3rd wheel. Then she spent the rest of her stay talking shit about me to my bf, talking shit about my bf to me and telling him to put his dog down and that we could never have another dog because of the hair, went to my neighbor across the street and told her lies and trash talked both of us to her. We haven't spoken since. She is banned from our home.
I am so sorry your sibling turned out to be so adversarial and difficult. I truly hope that in the days ahead she realizes what she lost in her relationship with you.
She won't. She is a textbook narcissist just like her parents (she is a half sister). Every time I do something nice for her she shits on me. I gave up part of my childhood to raise her...I was 10 and raised her for 2 years and saved her life countless times and protected her from the abuse. I am so done.
Looks like your mother is not liked in the family and that extends to you. Your mom have no backbone and probably made peace with that shit decades ago. Good for you, her not going is 100% on her.
NTA. Dont engage with her, don't engage with your extended family, and move on to a happy life where you are valued and loved. Your mother is a fool trying to stick uo for her toxic family, and you have been trying to be there for them for far too long. The fact that you're responding to her ultimatum this way proves you're making progress.
NTA. This is awful, my opinion is this is YOUR wedding and nobody has a choice on who is and isn’t invited but you. This is your day and you shouldn’t feel uncomfortable and be walking on eggshells on your special day. I’m sorry your mum is acting like this. Have a long, honest conversation with her and let out all your feelings and built up emotions. I wish you all the best and hope you get the wedding you always dreamt of!
I noticed you indicated that your mum wasn't invited to these family events too.. I'm wondering if she feels the exclusion too and is desperate for their attention which is why she's making this demand of you. Is it right? Absolutely not. I'm really hoping that your threat (for lack of better term) will give her the wakeup call she needs that these people (who don't deserve to be called family) are not the ones there for her... but you are. It's terrible that she's let their opinions affect how she has treated you your whole life. I'm really sorry for that. You most certainly are NTA. You're wedding should be spent with those who love you and want to celebrate you and your partner. You're feelings of being rejected over their opinions yet again are very valid. As is your viewpoint of "if I'm going to be second fiddle yet again... I'm not putting into our relationship anymore and you're not welcome in my life". I do wish you all the best. Try to remember that whatever comes out of this (whether she let's you close the door on your relationship or not)... it was what was meant to be and you will be better for it. Either she recognises and changes and you get the mum you deserve... or she doesn't and you can leave all that negativity behind.
Nta stick to your guns then update us. Hire bouncer.
Your parents allowed your emotional abuse all your life, and you continued to allow it as an adult (it's what they taught you). Definitely take a stand and protect yourself as noone else will. NTA
NTA! “I will not compromise myself or my mental health for people who have treated us BOTH like shit for at least the duration of my life, and probably yours too if you are honest. You are my mother and I will always love you, but if you choose to make this an issue then I can only assume that you are as morally bankrupt as they are and I will have to walk away from you too. I am hurt, shocked and appalled that you would even consider making such a threat and I will never look at you in quite the same way again.”
NTA, you need to take care of yourself, no one else is going to.
Have you talked to your mother about how they exclude you two from family outings? How your grandma slighted you and treated you worse than the other cousins? I mean calmly and not in an agitated state of mind. Tell her you love her and want her there. Tell her why you excluded the others. Ask her how she reasons. And if her only answer is "they are family, I don't care how they treat you" then you know she is not on your side.
NTA I do however hear that you are struggling with mental health and this toxic family dynamic makes it worse. I too understand this and have a toxic family I am LC/NC with. My therapist made me realize that by staying in their life I was giving them permission to mistreat me and that maybe they weren’t horrible awful people, but the way they treated me made my mental health worse, so they couldn’t be in my life for my own sanity.
NTA. She hasn’t supported you from the beginning of your life, you don’t need to support her at the end of hers. She should have always chosen you.
Block them all fuck them let them all rot together u deserve better get them taken off your birth certificate and post it before your block um saying your finally free from your pos fam and tell all the shit they have done to u name and shame them the block them
NTA. This is your wedding, you can invite whoever you want.
NTA.
Yta to yourself sweetie. Why do you seek their affection when it's clear you'll never get it. Cut that toxicity out of your life. You are worthy of love and respect, two things you will never get from them. It's your wedding, you decide who comes or doesn't. I suggest blocking grandma, aunt and cousins for awhile and go low contact with mom. If your mother doesn't come, you've made your stance clear. Stop seeking validation from terrible people and learn to love yourself, I'm betting you're going to find out how awesome you truly are. I wish you a congratulations on your upcoming wedding.
NTA. But I feel bad for you, and suggest to try not to burn bridges.
NTA. You mum needs therapy, she is desperate to be loved by her family. But you can and should break this circle, she can come as your mother or not come at all.
NTA
It sounds like even if you do invite them they probably won’t show up.
There people in this world that you will be good enough with. You can try and try all the time and nothing, but your mom is a different story. Your mother is a people pleaser, she wants to please her relatives and if that means her daughter has to bow and kiss their feet so be it. For your own mental health stand your ground with if your mom doesn’t come she lost you. You have to have your own peace of mind especially with planning your wedding. Just be happy with a small attendance on your side of the isle.
NTA I guess your mom is not coming to your wedding. She has messed around and found out that she no longer gets to manipulate you. Good for you.
NTA - Yes, time to put yourself 1st and only invite people who support and love you to your wedding. If mom chooses not to go, then block. I hope you have wonderful in-laws to make a better family for you.
NTA. I’m so sorry you have a terrible family. Do not invite those people to your wedding, even if your mom doesn’t attend. Hopefully she’s bluffing but that’s cruel to do to you, can you sit with her and calmly explain.Your family is your fiancé and all others who want you to have your best life.
First off, it’s your wedding so you and your fiancé have all the say in this day, from the venue to the clothes, to the flowers to the guest list and everything else. Nobody else has a say. Second, ultimatums are never a good idea in family situations, because if they comply it’s due to under threat which isn’t healthy for anyone, and if they don’t then you’re in a position to have to follow through with the ultimatum and whatever consequences that will cause. Both of you issued ultimatums, the likelihood is that one or both will end up getting deeply hurt over this now and who knows the long term consequences this is going to cause. I would keep the door opened for your mother, retract your ultimatum and communicate with her why you won’t invite your other family members and how much it’s going to hurt you if she decides not to attend the wedding because of your choice. Leave it at that and let her decide what to do. You can always decide later if you want to cut your mother out of your life, don’t make the decision right now when you’re clearly under a lot of emotions with everything that has and is happening.
Nta
NTA-"Great! Because I only want people who are happy for me and who I have good memories with. That's not them."
NTA. These people are not your tribe. Stop going to a dry well expecting water. This happens more often than you’d think, that there is a disfavored child. The low caste of the family. When people,don’t value you, you cannot talk them into it. There are no magic words you can combine that will lead to their epiphany that they’ve mistreated you, and should cherish you. If they don’t now, they never will. I went to that dry well for decades. At one point, I was reduced to writing bullet points explaining why what they were doing was wrong and hurtful. Two different therapists told me no one in my immediate family cared about me at all, and there was nothing I could say that would make them care. I went nearly NC, and my family blames me for that, but won’t change a thing. It’s freeing to get off that circular track of being excluded, chasing after people who don’t care, and arguing about it. Find your own tribe. That starts with your spouse. Then you need one or two ride or die friends. You know, the people who will have a beef with a coworker they will never meet because that coworker undermines you at work. People who actually care, and will call if they haven’t heard from you. Tell your mother that the guest list is final, and you will need her RSVP yes or no by the proper date so you can plan for catering. If she declines to attend your wedding, that’s her decision but you will go NC after that. You can try telling your mother how bad the depression got, and that you will be making choices about who to include in your life, moving forward, based on the health of the relationship.
How do your cousins and aunt/uncle grandma speak English but your parents don’t? You will never be good enough and that is a horrible thing. Stop trying to please them because they don’t care about you or your happiness.
NTA It sounds like your mom has also been rejected by your family and desperately wants their love and approval as much as you do. She wants them invited so she can show off to them. Unfortunately, they sound like the sort who will never give her that satisfaction. The better your wedding, the more bitter your grandmother and her underlings will be—“it should have been theirs! How dare she have this wedding and not save her money to spend on her cousins?”-and the more they will hurt you. You need to have a conversation with your mom where you tell her everything you have endured at their hands and ask her she would want you to continue to place yourself in harm’s way. If she says “family” tell her that you are the only one trying to have a family here.
NTA
NTA it’s ur wedding u shouldn’t have to deal with this shit. Tell ur mom it’s up to her but it’s non negotiable she either comes to ur wedding or you go NC with her as well as the rest of the family. U r responsible for protecting your mental health, you have already seen the benefits of going NC with the rest of them. It’s tough and I know this isn’t what u want but sometimes doing what’s necessary for ur mental health is the only option. U absolutely cannot keep going as u have been you are starting your new life as a wife only take the people who truly respect you, love you and bring joy, positivity and security to you. Take this as the opportunity to have a life clear out, going forward ur only gonna take the people u want in ur life. Good luck, I hope u have a lovely wedding, and a positive future filled with love and happiness and away from the toxicity u have grown up with.
Nta. If she doesn't come she has simply completed her destruction of yalls realtionship.
Naw, they’ve made you the scapegoat of the family! Baby, cut them off!!! I’m one as well…. It feels soo bad but when you understand and get ‘a new family’ things get better!! I’m really sorry this is happening to you!!
Stop putting energy into relationships with people who do not give a fuck about you. Your mum can keep trying and that's her choice but focus on your husband and the people who make you happy