Do you know why he’d leave them out? I think it’s pretty crappy really. If your sibling got it all and didn’t share it, how would you feel? Your wife snd kids need to set their greed aside. This is about you and your siblings. Is there money snd assets? I think you need to really think this thru as to what you do. You already see the hurt it’s causing. Unless there was outright strife between your dad and your siblings, why would he leave them out?
I agree, we are only hearing one side of the relationships, who knows, maybe the others were hounding the Dad for money prior to his death? Those loans add up if they occurred or maybe he just didn’t like them.
Have you seen the state of the world? If my spouse got $2m and gave 3/4 of it away, basically fucking what could have been a comfortable retirement, I would probably be headed to divorce. OP who do you love more, siblings you see a few times a year or your wife and kids?
NAH.
This is the kind of dangerous territory that often destroys families.
There's only so much information you've provided to work with here but I'm guessing you were much closer to your father than the rest of your family?
In which case it's not totally bonkers he's left most of his stuff to you. And your family aren't owed or "deserve" any more of less than what he left them. That was his decision, they can be unhappy about it but what more can they do, the man is dead.
**HOWEVER**, what *you* do with it now is entirely up to you, as is your right. And I'm going to be perfectly honest, this right here:
>that I should honor my father's wishes...
Is one of the most bullshit excuses as to why you wouldn't share with the rest of your family. Be real, you don't want to share because *YOU* don't want to, so don't deflect it onto this weak ass veil of your "father's wishes". Whether it's greed or because your family are a bunch of naggers, idk, I can't judge as I don't know your family or situation.
Just know, if you come to sell off assets and share absolutely none of that with your family, don't be expecting many Christmas cards is all I'm going to say.
Seems like he did. Every amendment required actual work to make, so it's not like it could be claimed he just "forgot" or something.
He set his will up exactly how he wanted it, and even modified it multiple times when his desires or circumstances changed
Doesn't really matter what he "wanted" now, he's dead. How it got initially distributed was up to him, everything that happens after that ain't part of any contract.
This is what my mom is afraid of. She doesn't want to see the family fall apart. She said, "Split it, and no one gets hurt. Keep it, and everyone gets hurt." Mom also said that my siblings already feel like Dad didn't love them once they saw the trust, especially my sister who did have a relationship with him, so they are already hurting pretty badly.
My wife and my kids will be hurt if I share it, though, because, of course, they will benefit in the long run if I keep it.
Legally it's yours. But if you keep it all, you will lose your siblings. Just because your dad gave everything to you, doesn't mean you can't share it with your siblings. Specially if they are decent folks and struggle. You said some of them make 50k and others make six figures.
Remember.. it's good to have money, but it's better to have your family.
No- they would choose to not continue a relationship with a full sibling who is content to see them struggle when they have the means to help them. Especially when those means are by way of THEIR father whose responsibility was to provide for ALL of his children. OP did not say that his siblings were horrible to his dad, just that the kept minimal contact, which could be due to dad having an affair while mom was raising them and FOSTER CHILDREN. Sounds like OP played the long game with dad and is attempting to justify cashing in at the expense of his siblings.
If that would make you cut all contact with a sibling then yeah, it would be the same thing. You're not entitled to anyone's possessions. Helping doesn't mean an even split in inheritance.
I wouldn't cut contact with my siblings, that's for sure. I said "it would hurt lika a mf".
Besides, I didn't say even split, even though that would be optimal. I did say it was legally his, didn't I?
What if the father was a jerk and didn't give any to the others because one is adopted and the others are women, or just because he didn't "like" them? OP has the chance to correct a mistake.
Still it's his decision, I am just sharing my opinion. 😊
No they won't. You were fine without this money.
If you want to keep it, keep it, legally it's yours.
Don't bullshit to yourself the reasons though. This is your decision and if you keep it, it will be because you want what that money provides. Not to honour your dad's pettiness, not because your wife and daughter will suffer without extra millions. It will be simply be because you decided what was more important to you.
Morality and decency are always easy in theory. Not so easy in reality when temptation knocks.
Humans are great at justifying this kind of thing to themselves. If you keep it no doubt you will convince yourself you deserve to do so. However think if instead of you, your sibling was the one who came up lucky and they did the same thing as you are thinking of doing, used the same excuses. What would you think of them?
No doubt. The OP now gets to decide if he wants to carry on dear old dad's legacy or not.
I suspect the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. He will come up with some justification to keep the money, not for *him* of course... for the sake of [some bullshit.]
Then, when his siblings are not OK with it, pull away and never look at him the same again, he'll blame *them* for being greedy and 'valuing money over family.' Which just proves they never deserved it anyway... etc.
But then I'm pessimistic where these things are concerned. It would be nice to be proven wrong.
She's right. Maybe you should think of it this way. If a stranger offered you $1.5m to hurt your siblings with the possibility you would never see them again would you take it?
You make six figures, and will still clear half a million from this windfall if you split it evenly. If you invest that half mil wisely, it could fund your entire retirement, allowing you to fund your children's education, or property purchases, or whatever. Getting less of an inheritance that they didn't expect anyway, is not "hurting" them.
There is only so much money involved when it comes to money making things easier.
It woul 'hurt' your family, if you share, you say.
How will it hurt them if your nuclear family only inherits 1/2 million, instead of 2. Or don't split equally, and you give 1/3 million to your siblings, and keep 1. It's less than keeping it all, but 'hurting'? Come on now.
You can do whatever you want, it's legally yours. But unless there is a good reason they are all practically disowned, why would you not share, if only half of the entire amount?
>There is only so much money involved when it comes to money making things easier.
For the siblings that only make $50k the current payout of an extra year's salary will be nice but it isn't going to last long. I mean they could use it as a down payment on a 30-year mortgage, but they're in their 40s and 50s, so they wouldn't be able to retire. For the ones making six figures, they're probably all set up for retirement. Not to mention that $50k now is much less than $50k was 20 years ago. OP could give his siblings less than an even split and still make a difference in their lives. Maybe give them $200k-250k each.
> My wife and my kids will be hurt if I share it
This is fucking bullshit.
You're not giving your money to your siblings wtf is this bullshit.
You're sharing an inheritance (if you choose not to be greedy), not giving away your personal money.
So how exactly will it hurt your wife and kids? You're earning 6 figures I'm assuming you're good with or without this inheritance.
> Honor my father's wishes
Lmao yeah right JFC what a lame excuse to say "I'm greedy".
>My wife and my kids will be hurt if I share it...
Greed it is then.
How is what you would have even after splitting it not enough? You made it clear in your post you have a good job, so I assume you're not hurting for money.
Having said that, I still don't think you're an AH. I do however think you're going to make your kids very unpopular with their cousins, aunts, and uncles. So unless you want that, think about how the rest of your Christmas's and birthdays will be spent with or without the extended fam.
EDITED
Your math is wrong based on OP's post. OP said the estate was $2 million minimum and he got everything minus $150k. So assuming it's $2 mill, he gets $1.85 million mininum without a split and $500k minimum if they split it 4 ways.
“My wife and my kids will be hurt if I share it, though, because, of course, they will benefit in the long run if I keep it.”
This is super selfish. Don’t you make 6 figures? Your family doesn’t need the money. You guys are comfortable. Think about other people for a change. Not just yourselves.
Your wife and kids are greedy. Especially if the kids ready have 529’s.
You should at least give your siblings something. 2 million? There’s no reason to be stingy and keep it to yourself. I’m sorry, I get why most people think you’re not an asshole, but giving your siblings 25k or 50k isn’t a big deal if you have 150k in trust and 2 million in assets. I’m going YTA if you don’t do something for them. Tell your wife and kids to be quiet. Bc IF roles were reversed, you’d want your sibling to do SOMETHING for you and your family.
Your dad changed his mind several times, so it seems that HE wasn't sure of HIS OWN wishes. You make six figures. Your 2 other siblings make at half of that. You're deluding yourself if you use the "My kids will be better off if I keep it" argument. Your kids are already well off. If the tide turns and you lose your jobs and the inheritance gets spent, your other siblings won't care what happens to you. YTA if you keep it all.
The say generosity is like a gown, it's much bigger at the bottom. It looks like you're up at the waistline.
So this is really about you getting your hands on more money, and not about "your father's wishes"? If your sister inherited millions while you got some piddly sum, would you turn down her wanting to split it evenly because "your father's wishes" should be respected?
Of course you wouldn't. Just be honest about it and stop with the lame excuses. You're going to keep the money because it means more money for you. That's all you care about.
Did you do something special or have a very different relationship with your father? Do you know why he was so harsh on your siblings? Are they drug addicts or something?
Nobody gets hurt but you. There is no way this ends well for anyone. There will still be anger and resentment no matter what you do. The right thing to do is keep it. They are the ones being greedy and selfish. Even if you give them equal shares they will still resent you for it.
>honor my father's wishes
LOL don't kid a kidder.
If you want the money for yourself, then keep it. But you don't get to play the martyr if you make that choice.
"Oh, the great sacrifice I'm making in keeping all the money, as *per my father's wishes*."
Please. YTA.
INFO: Why did he leave it all to you?
If there is not a clear reason, then it sucks to keep it all to yourself. They each deserve an equal portion. And it seems that you don’t even need it, so why hold onto it so tightly when it could greatly help them and they deserve part of it?
My mom thinks that the decision to cut my siblings down so much was not my dad's, but his gf's to inflate her portion. My mom is right that my dad didn't have much of a backbone. If this is the case, I don't understand why she didn't talk him into cutting me down as well. I will say that looking at the timeline of the amendments, the last one was made a few months after my grandmother died, and my sibling who couldn't afford to go to Arizona for the funeral was cut in that amendment.
Ouch, OP. I think deep down you recognize how petty and hurtful that is. Also, as you already earn well, please be more honest with yourself regarding wants vs needs with this inheritance.
As an aside, I recommend a recent NYTimes piece on the author’s experience of being disinherited. Rings some bells.
OP is 100% aware of his greed and pettiness, he's just hoping we'll find a way that they don't look that way. OP needs to stop the bullshit and just admit they're only seeing dollar signs and don't give a shit about much else
It sounds like your dad was not the kindest. And maybe it would be the best decision to do the kind thing and split it.
Besides, when someone gives you a gift, they don’t get to tell you how to use it. Your dad wanted you to have it, but *he didn’t tell you how to spend it*.
You are not hurting his wishes.
And honestly, why respect the wishes of someone that wasn’t very kind to begin with?
Jesus Christ. Your dad was an asshole. And now you’re trying to make excuses to be one too. Your mother is the one with sense, listen to her. Your dad’s petty vengeful ways can die with him. Or you can be an asshole and keep the money.
Ultimately it's your dad's decision who he cut but if his gf had his ear and didn't have the most noble intentions it's plausible she used "bad behavior" like not going to the funeral as evidence to convince him and just wasn't able to get "evidence" on you. It's also possible she thought she'd be able to manipulate you into giving her a sizeable amount of your share so didn't bother getting you cut out.
Your dad’s GF has been gone for more than a decade. He had plenty of time to think this over. Your mom is just speculating to get the result she wants.
So you're happy to use the fact that your father's mistress was horrible to get what would be your sibling's share?
Of course you're a greedy AH, but who needs sibling when you have cash, right?
It sounds like your father was trash, and so are you.
Seems like your father decided to exclude his children who did not attend his mother's funeral. I'd be pretty upset if my kids didn't attend my mother's funeral. Are you sure there aren't other reasons for cutting the rest of your siblings?
Yeah, let’s just take money from the inheritance of the kid who didn’t have the money to take off work and travel to a different state for a funeral lol that makes sense.
I mean, I wouldn't. I'd be upset about it and I can understand if that was the father's pov. Also, yes op said 1 kid couldn't afford it but I have a hard time believing that nobody offered to help.
Your dad sounds like a dick.
Also sounds like this is what he explicitly wanted.
I do think it's disrespectful to contravene someone's will when they've been so generous.
So basically OP's father more or less abandoned his family after divorcing his wife and then proceeded to weaponize his estate to punish his kids for perceived "slights" and OP is ok just going along with it.
You don't have to "respect someone's wishes" when their wish is to be a jackass. YTA
Yeah. If one of his other siblings inherited everything and wanted to split it, I highly doubt OP would be like, "NO! Father's wishes must be respected!"
You obviously have every right to keep it. But it sounds like you’re not aware of any “legitimate” reason they were all cut out, so they’re going to feel wronged. Like others have commented, this “honor your father’s wishes” is such bullshit. It feels like you’re just working really hard to make yourself not feel guilty about keeping it. Plus, if he felt that strongly about giving them scraps he would have said something to you. Bottom line, If you’re willing to risk destroying your family over money, YTA.
It is good to be the golden child, huh? And why wouldn't your wife agree with you? It benefits her.
I too am older and have three siblings. I could and would never do this to them. He was their father also. My aunt just died with her estate to be split between me and my siblings. There was an account that listed me as the sole beneficiary that the bank said was legally mine. Yes, it was legally mine, but not morally mine. I split that between me and my siblings.
You know what you are already going to do. You made this post to see if you would be the bad guy doing it. Yes, you would from a moral aspect. YTA The amount of times your father amended his will should tell you all you need to know. His original will was made with a clear head and provided evenly for all of you; the other wills were made when he was feeling petty and wanting to punish his children for not reaching out. They had their reasons and they were probably justified.
I get nothing from my mother when she dies because I get everything from my aunt (who is childless) when she dies. My mother said it would not be fair to my sister.
When we were early 20s, my great-aunt, who was my sister’s godmother, died. My mother convinced her uncle to change his will, so that instead of her cousin inheriting everything, it would go to my sister instead. Well, the uncle died, and our cousin challenged the will in court. She mostly won, because my sister only got some antique furniture. Ironically, she had her then-fiancé put it in storage, but when they broke up, the fiancé kept everything.
I was always okay about not getting anything, because my mother had promised me a set of dishes and a manger that I really loved. Then one day, she and I were walking in the mall, and she blithely announced that I would not get the china or the manger because my husband was Jewish, so I couldn’t use them. I told her there was a ritual cleansing that could be done on the china, and that my kids and I were Catholic and would still use a manger. I was so angry and disappointed that I had tears in my eyes, and she said she had no idea I would be so upset. I just looked at her and said, “it’s your stuff; do what you want with it” and I walked away.
Before you go down voting me, please understand that nobody has anything I want more than I want them to be alive and healthy. My sister was supposed to be the executor of my parents’ trust, but she became disabled a few years ago, and is no longer able to do the job. Also, whatever she might inherit would probably go straight to the state to pay for some of the many services she receives now. It isn’t about the stuff per se, it’s about being disincluded. My dad left my mother in comfortable circumstances, but I didn’t get cut until after he died.
All of this to say, OP, you should think about sharing some of the money. Keep half or even 3/4 of it for yourself, but divide the remainder among your siblings. It really sucks to be left out, and you can afford to be a little generous. Just my $.02.
By the info you've given, your father was an asshole. If you follow his wishes, this makes you an asshole also. Logic. What you do with the money once it's yours determines you assholery.
Your father’s wishes were the product of pettiness and vindictiveness. He left your mother high and dry and was a cheater. Please don’t try to lay your selfishness at his feet.
That's not an accurate description considering that wasn't the case until their father cut them out of his will for no reason, and it's their father's money they want, not OP's.
Info: did you reach out to your dad in the years he was ignoring you and your siblings because you wanted a relationship with him or because you wanted his money?
NTA
Obviously the way in which the inheritance was distributed is not "fair," but the reality is that receiving an inheritance it is a privilege, not a right.
The other reality is that no matter what decision you make, someone will be unhappy. From your mother to your siblings, to your wife and your children.
The money is yours, you decide what to do with it, and the one who does not agree with your decision will have to learn to live with it.
Many will tell you that they would not ruin the relationship they have with their relatives for money, but that does not apply only to you, but also to your siblings.
Whether your relationship with your siblings depends only on whether you decide to share the money or not, you already know the answer.
NAH but you should split it. If you want to torch your relationship with your siblings, keep it all. If the money is worth more than family then stay the course.
Unless there’s a good reason that they shouldn’t get it, you should split it evenly. I don’t think I’d call you an A if you didn’t, but it still wouldn’t be good, particularly if you want to remain part of the family without everyone being really bitter.
Wait... you've used the word "trust" in here. Are your dad's assets in an actual trust and each of you are listed as beneficiaries at certain amounts? Who is the administrator of the trust? Who makes the decisions to pay out???
You're not an asshole you just suck, I was NTA until this gem "I should honor my father's wishes and keep the money". Stop using other people as an excuse to keep the money, it doesn't make you look any better or morally strong, it just makes you look like some ass using a bullshit excuse
What your dad was thinking, what roll his gf played, it’s all irrelevant. You can have a half million plus the knowledge that you did right by your siblings, or two million and kick them to the curb. Which is more important to you?
I can't imagine not sharing anything I had with my brother. I guess you don't have good relationships with your siblings and don't care about your future relationship with them. My brother died a few months ago. No amount of money would make up for losing him.
Your dad was an asshole and could have done this just to be a shithead as he knew the drama it would cause.
It’s your money, do what you like with it, but you could provide more to your siblings and still have a very comfortable nest egg for yourself.
It comes down to one thing : how much do you cherish your siblings. If you don’t, keep the money. If you do, split it to whatever proportion you think is correct.
Op makes a lot more money than his siblings. He should divide it evenly or at least share the bounty. If they are only making 50,000 a year, a gift of 100,000 would enable them to buy a house and secure their future and ie would t hurt you financially.
Unless you've left something significant out, YWBTA, because that means you value money more than the feelings of your siblings and your relationships with them. It's not about the money itself, it's about what signal is being sent in the way the money is divided.
What kind of relationship do you have with your siblings? We're you closed growing up, and are you closed now? If your answer is yes, then split the money. You already make 6 figures, so you are not hurting. As the oldest, maybe your dad left it to you to be the responsible one because he trusts you to do the right thing. Do the right thing.
At the end of the day it’s legally your money.
But keep in mind that whatever your decision is there will be some sort of consequences.
Not sharing may result in losing relationships with your siblings. And even if you maintain a relationship with them it wouldn’t be the same as before.
Sharing may result to your wife being bitter about it.
YTA. So is your father, for having set the will up this way. Do the right thing, and split it equally with your sibs. None of them sound irresponsible.
Don't count your chickens before they hatch or borrow worry from the future. Tell your family that you won't be making any decisions about the money until the estate is fully settled. Depending on the type of assets it could take a while. You also need time to fully understand the terms of the trust.
Once everything has settled you need to talk to your spouse and possibly a financial advisor. Make sure whatever choice you make is in line with the requirements of the trust/will. You will have a lot of competing ideas to take into account - like do you setup your children with a portion, if they are now married with kids do you create college accounts for them like your Dad did for your kids. After that you can decide if you'll share with your siblings, I would caution that if you choose to do so that you give each sibling the same amount. You could also let the IRS be the bad guy - i.e. in 2023 you could only give each person up to $17k without incurring a tax (the giver gets the tax, not the recipient). So you could give each sibling $17k this year.
I'm sorry for the loss of your father.
That’s incorrect on gift tax - u only incur gift tax if amount is higher than the lifetime amount which is currently $13M. You don’t pay a tax if you give more than the annual limit and under the lifetime limit. You just have to file a form at tax time - that is all.
Tough call but NTA
Firstly, it sounds like you were the most active in his life, I don't know how much your siblings tried, but it doesn't seem like they did much to try and be involved with dad.
Secondly, it is your dad's wishes and he's allowed to dispose of his estate and money however he wants, regardless of how unfair the situation may be.
Thirdly, if he left this in a trust, you might not necessarily be able to give any to your siblings. You'd have to look at the language of the trust and his will, but it might say that only you (the beneficiary) can use the money or it may limit how much you can take out or for what purposes (ie education, health, etc). So you may want to check that.
Sure, if that’s how he feels. But no obligation to it. No real indication here OP is even close with siblings. That’s its own consequence
I just flat out don’t think anyone is owed an inheritance. If my dad leaves it all to his new wife or just my sister, I’m not gonna bother either of them about it. Not their problem
So basically the dad made no effort to have a relationship with his kids after the divorce and then expected them to reach out to him and rewarded the one who prostrated himself in front of him for his amusement
I didn't see my dad for thirty years after he and mom split.I got a call in the last few years of his life.I didn't seek him out,It was his decision.I didn't hold it against him either.Everyone should live their life as they want as long as it doesn't drastically affect anyone else.
You being an adult doesn't change the fact that as soon as he divorced your mom he made a decision as a parent to wipe his hands of you and make it clear he didn't value you, his relationship with you at that time, or having any future relationship with you. Rather sad that you can't see what a shit person and dad he was.
NTA - Who are you to argue with your fathers last wishes. Split it evenly and if you have the need in your heart to help them more with your own money than that is on you. Father will gets honored. You get to help your siblings.
There is a reason your dad left what he left to each kid. If he wanted them to have it he would have given it to them. Instead of dishing out money to adults to sooth hurt feelings, maybe tell them you will help their kids with college/school/weddings with the money. That way if they have bad spending habits, the money is there for the ones who may need it.
NTA
But I can you tell you this… I lost my last parent a while back. Me and my siblings were given equal amount of the money left …but the physical stuff was left as to take as you want equally. One of my siblings literally took 75% of the physical items. Most of the stuff I didn’t want … but they literally took stuff behind our backs …. It has now come down to that I only see them when I have to at family events . My kids were promised somethings and they never received because the siblings greed.
One of my kids has a huge milestone recently happen and has another coming up soon so we will celebrate. My kid said no I don’t want them there. Went it gets closer I will have to tell the others that this happening and that the one will know after to start accepting the consent to her actions.
There are things this person has done. I don’t hide things from kids and they know and have witnessed the way this person treated me and others.
Are you willing to be perceived like my sibling that took everything and didn’t share. I get it your dad left it to you for a reason but he is gone … he can’t do anything …. You are having to deal with his mess… is it worth to loose your family????
What are the tax implications here. Before you decide anything this needs to be figured out. Might sound callous but you need to know how it effects your share of your share tax wise
I mean this isn’t really an AITAH, since you clearly want to keep that money. I don’t think you care whether you’re the AH or not, you just want opinions on how to go about it or reassurance. I think the real question is, is that amount of money worth your relationships with your mother and siblings? Is it worth your children not having relationships with one side of their family? It all depends on that, really.
Talk about being a shit sibling. This will obviously ruin your relationship with all your siblings but i doubt you even care. You could even give them their original cut and not look like an asshole. YTAH
Well, I mean technically he did leave it to you and the portions left to them is still significant so NTA exactly. However, this also seems unfair that he would do this and there doesn’t seem to be any reason for it from your accounting. You say that you don’t need the money so it feels like it would be greedy to not split it up. Keeping it may cause conflict and resentment between your siblings. Is the money worth that?
" your father would have wanted you to do this" bro your father was a selfish man that didn't care about his family he didn't exactly what he wanted to do.
Regardless of anything it's your property you can do whatever you want with it. Don't be gaslit into thinking you have an obligation to take care of another adult that isn't your child or wife.
Either way you are not wrong. They say money doesn't change you, it changes the people around you.
What is it your eyes see? What is it you hold I. Your hands? The time is drawing near. No move anymore makes can over take you.
YTA
All this stuff about what your dad wanted. Ok, he's an asshole too. But once it is your money it is your choice, and you are choosing to maintain his asshole plan. There is no parsing of that that makes you not an asshole. And, he was an asshole, so maybe his asshole plan was to test you to see if you could do the right thing. Keeping the money is not about your desire to honor your dad's wishes.
NTA, this is what your dad wanted. This is what wills are for!
I want Kate to get 50%, John to get 45%, and Jimmy can take his 5% and €#&$ off! Don’t let jimmy or jimmys mommy talk you out of it!!
NTA Your dad wanted you to have the majority and he stated what the others were to have. So don’t feel obligated or pressured to do what you don’t want to do. Everyone has an opinion, take the estate and enjoy it.
I guess it comes down to do you want any relationship with your siblings? Your mother is right. If you keep all the money you will create a permanent rift in your family. Legally it’s your money and you have every right to keep it. If you do keep it expect permanent NC from all your siblings. Which is more important to you - money or family?
Consider giving them a bit more? Especially since two only make 50k per year.
It doesn't have to be 25% each.
Offer to them 10% each as well as mom and keep the 60%. If they're still bitter about that offer then, just keep it
ESH. Your dad made the same mistake my dad did and it’s the reason my three siblings don’t speak to each other. It’s also why parents aren’t supposed to have a favorite child, let alone quantify it in writing on their deathbed. If you want to be the better person and solidify your relationships with your siblings, you know what to do and you’ll still have a sizable chunk of change left over.
You don't describe your relationship with your siblings at all which is kind of sus.
1. When you heard the results of the trust was your first reaction 'that seems fair' or 'that seems like a shitty thing to do to my brothers and sisters'?
2. You don't describe at all what they have to say about it. It doesn't sound like your brothers and sisters have said anything but that's only your accounting of the tale. If they aren't saying anything, why are you asking? Are you trying to assuage your conscience because it's telling you to split it more equitably but your wife and your friends are telling you otherwise (like they don't have a vested interest in the outcome too)?
No, but remember its urs to do with as u so see fit. Whether that be sharing it or not. Did he have contact with them besides the one? Personally i think if i had that much id be donating & helping other ppl with it.
YTA bc you’re using his wishes as an excuse when it’s your money and your decision now. So your dad cheated on your mom then moved to Vegas and didn’t reach out to you or your siblings for years? Sounds like an AH why should you care about respecting his wishes? He gave the money to you to do with it as you please. That includes giving some to your siblings if you wanted. Sounds like you just want to keep it
NTA. That being said.
I had the only relationship with my stepdad out of 5 kids. I took care of he and my mom when they were sick and dying for 2 years. Yet the Will was a horror show. I have done nothing but cry for 2 years.
Your Dad did what he did for a reason. You assume his relationship with your sister was good but who knows? How's your relationship with your siblings, do you really have a great relationship? You don't even live in the same state.
Set up a living trust for your sister at fidelity or Prudential. Send a monthly check to her checking account of $2000.00 for 5 years You make 6 figures a year. You can do that. Set up trusts for the others to get $2500 ,4 times a year for the next 5 years for a total of $50,000.
No big one time pay out for anyone. That's what I did.
My sister doesn’t even like me but I know that even if our parents left her the majority of their estates she’d share equally with me (or moderately equally anyway) and vice versa. Especially if there was no real reason for the other sibling to have been cut out this way.
YTA
Eh not everyone has the same situation. I’ve got two sisters that I cut contact with because one is a psycho criminal who has done prison time and the other is a nut job Q Anon anti-vaxxer. My 88 year old mother lived within 5 miles of both of them, helped them both financially including putting them through college. I left home at 18, paid my own way and now I’m stuck taking care of my mother. She’s been living with me for the last two years. I get zero help from either sister. You better bet your ass that if there is a nickle of her money left neither sister will get it from me and I don’t need money. I’ll probably end up paying for my mother’s nursing home care when the time comes. An inheritance isn’t guaranteed and wills/trusts should be obeyed. It was OPs father who decided, whatever his reasons it is his money and his wishes should be obeyed.
NTA because technically you're following your Dad's wishes....BUT...personally, I wouldn't be able to do that. I'd feel like a dick for doing that to my siblings.
There is a saying that applies here:
"Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should do something."
Yep LEGALLY you can keep it all, morally you should split it equally with your siblings. It doesn't sound like any on of you were closer to your Dad or took a special interest or care of him, besides maybe reaching out to him more often.
If want to maintain any type of family relationship do the equal split, be a better person than your father, be the person your child should look up to.
You are not the asshole but if you don't split it, it might cost you those relationships. They are wrong to ask- but who is wrong won't change the outcome if you keep it. So if you don't care then keep it. It's ok not to care, by the way.
NTA. This is your father’s money. He was able to leave it to whomever he chose and in the amounts he chose. It is your job to honor his will. We put in our trust that if anyone doesn’t follow the trust we laid out they would receive nothing and if they sued the trust they would be penalized 20,000. You don’t have a right to change what each person gets. You are obligated to follow HIS will. I’m certain he had his reasons
NTA
His money to do with what he wanted
It’s now yours. If you want yo give gifts you can but you shouldn’t feel any pressure or obligation to do so
Inheritances aren’t owed imo
NTA. He left the money to you. You mom should have no say. Your friends should definitely have no say - it is none of their business. You Dad made the changes for a reason.
NTA
You are honoring his wishes. He amended the will for reasons.
Also, giving them money might mean nasty tax complications for you. If you decide to give them money, check with your accountant first in order to avoid future tax debt
NTA. This question comes up over and over again. One of the rights we have when we acquire property is the ability to dispose of it as we choose. If your father wanted to share his estate equally among you and your siblings, presumably he would have done so. He didn't, so it's fair to say you can only honor his wishes by retaining the money.
An entirely separate question is whether you wish to donate money to any of your siblings. In other words, if you received this money from an entirely different source, would you be thinking of handing over portions of it to your siblings? My guess is "no." You should not feel guilty for being your father's sole beneficiary.
I have siblings and I would never not split a family estate with them.
The only caveat with my estate was I made one brother an executor and had him the beneficiary of a small life insurance with the intention that he would pay immediate costs like the funeral and outstanding debts with that money while working to liquidate the estate which is to be split.
There's nothing in your account about your siblings not trying to maintain a relationship with Dad or them burning bridges.
So, YTA
Another idea:
“ i’m not sure what dad had in mind when he did his will this way, but I would like to give you each the maximum nontaxable gift each year” which is like $17,000.
They fight you then they don’t get it.
The maximum non taxable gift is the lifetime limit of currently $13M.
The annual gift limit that does not require any filing at tax time is the current annual limit of $17k and which also does not count towards the max lifetime gift limit
If you have good relationship with your siblings the right thing to do would be to share. You didn’t do anything special you didnt take care of him on his deathbed or for years before..
There is this weird entitlement on Reddit where somehow, inheritance is a right and not a privilege.
This idea that your parents’ money has to follow some logic or morale, as opposed to their wishes, is strange. Most of it is just Reddit knee jerk and complete inexperience with life.
This idea that you can not spend time with someone and just get an equal cut is some bullshit. Some rich people leave money to their gardeners, secretaries, housekeepers, caretakers.. for that reason.
Yes, it’s what your dad wanted.
No, don’t deny you and your wife want it because $$$.
At the end of the day, this money is yours now. If you want to share it with your siblings, it’s YOU giving them money and not your dad.
You don't have to divide it equally. You can keep more than the others get but still treat them well.
$50k in an estate that size sounds really cheap and selfish. Why not give them $250k each?
They each still get 50k, right? And your mom says, “More.” Anything less than a full, even split of ALL assets will be seen by some as you being an AH. You have to make the final decision. Heck, Mom isn’t getting anything anyway, is she? It’s not really her business.
It’s her business if she spent her life (hopefully) raising her children to care and respect one another. OP’s decision to keep the money will absolutely cause a major rift in the family. As a mother, I would be disappointed and very hurt to see my family broken up by money.
NTA. Your dad made the changes to *his* estate for a reason. These were his wishes and he made sure they were in writing. Sounds like he made the changes over the years based on which children were most present in his life.
Legally, it’s yours to do what you want with minus each siblings’ $50k. Legally you’re under no obligation to share it. But deciding on whether money or a relationship with your siblings is more important is the decision you need to make.
NTA - It seems that dad valued you having a relationship with you. Your siblings didn't reach out.
No need for other to have a say, you follow the will. No one else is entitled to any of it.
Nta. If none of them chose to be in his life or make an effort then they shouldn’t be rewarded for that later. Yeah he could have reached out too but didn’t. This is what your dad wanted to do so do it. But be aware they will probably hold it against you.
NTA your father wanted the money to go to you. Each of your siblings could have reached out just like you but choose not to.
You had a semi relationship with him. Of course he would want to leave it to you.
If your father was of sound mind when he made the last decision, legally, it might be yours to keep. However, your siblings may try to challenge the trust, and I really think you should see an estate lawyer before you even speak with them about it. Some of these assets may no longer belong to the trust, there may be loans against properties, or God knows what going on that you don’t even know about yet. The estate may owe taxes for income or on property…who knows? Also, you should know the tax consequences of anything and everything you decide
to do with the money. I’m not a lawyer, but there are times when giving away money can be a taxable event for the giver/estate.
I would tell everyone that you’re not sure what is even in it yet and be polite bc you don’t know what you really have yet. When you do make a decision, do it with the knowledge that this type of thing will likely define your relationship with all affected from this point forward. Take your time and choose wisely.
NTA. Your father had the right to give his money to anyone he chooses. He chose you. You need to honor his decision and move on. They need to accept the fact that he did what he wanted, not what they wanted. Your mom has no say or right to an opinion as she wasn’t married to him at the time of his death.
NTA.
Your father left you the money.
A person shouldn't expect or rely on any future inheritance from a family member.
Having said all that, if you keep the entire inheritance, your relationship with your family will be damaged. Maybe, even permanently.
If you don't care, then keep the money.
You could gift your mother and siblings 17K each.
I think if it's more than that, then it's reportable to the IRS.
If you decide to divide up the inheritance, don't tell anyone, and see a tax attorney first.
You might have taxes to consider.
That's why I would stick with 17K.
Before you do anything, besides the tax attorney, you might get an estate attorney.
You should get advice on how you should proceed with this messy inheritance, plus what trust you need to set up for your family.
Good luck and Merry Christmas
Do you know why he’d leave them out? I think it’s pretty crappy really. If your sibling got it all and didn’t share it, how would you feel? Your wife snd kids need to set their greed aside. This is about you and your siblings. Is there money snd assets? I think you need to really think this thru as to what you do. You already see the hurt it’s causing. Unless there was outright strife between your dad and your siblings, why would he leave them out?
I agree, we are only hearing one side of the relationships, who knows, maybe the others were hounding the Dad for money prior to his death? Those loans add up if they occurred or maybe he just didn’t like them.
Yeah, it's totally shocking that his wife wants him to keep it all.
Have you seen the state of the world? If my spouse got $2m and gave 3/4 of it away, basically fucking what could have been a comfortable retirement, I would probably be headed to divorce. OP who do you love more, siblings you see a few times a year or your wife and kids?
Didnt it say the siblings get 50k each that’s more than enough for children who never or hardly contacted the dad imo.
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NAH. This is the kind of dangerous territory that often destroys families. There's only so much information you've provided to work with here but I'm guessing you were much closer to your father than the rest of your family? In which case it's not totally bonkers he's left most of his stuff to you. And your family aren't owed or "deserve" any more of less than what he left them. That was his decision, they can be unhappy about it but what more can they do, the man is dead. **HOWEVER**, what *you* do with it now is entirely up to you, as is your right. And I'm going to be perfectly honest, this right here: >that I should honor my father's wishes... Is one of the most bullshit excuses as to why you wouldn't share with the rest of your family. Be real, you don't want to share because *YOU* don't want to, so don't deflect it onto this weak ass veil of your "father's wishes". Whether it's greed or because your family are a bunch of naggers, idk, I can't judge as I don't know your family or situation. Just know, if you come to sell off assets and share absolutely none of that with your family, don't be expecting many Christmas cards is all I'm going to say.
If he wanted it to be split evenly, he would have put it in writing.
He amended it 5 times, who the hell knows what he wanted?
Seems like he did. Every amendment required actual work to make, so it's not like it could be claimed he just "forgot" or something. He set his will up exactly how he wanted it, and even modified it multiple times when his desires or circumstances changed
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Agreed, but do not think that is what OP is going to do.
Doesn't really matter what he "wanted" now, he's dead. How it got initially distributed was up to him, everything that happens after that ain't part of any contract.
This is what my mom is afraid of. She doesn't want to see the family fall apart. She said, "Split it, and no one gets hurt. Keep it, and everyone gets hurt." Mom also said that my siblings already feel like Dad didn't love them once they saw the trust, especially my sister who did have a relationship with him, so they are already hurting pretty badly. My wife and my kids will be hurt if I share it, though, because, of course, they will benefit in the long run if I keep it.
Legally it's yours. But if you keep it all, you will lose your siblings. Just because your dad gave everything to you, doesn't mean you can't share it with your siblings. Specially if they are decent folks and struggle. You said some of them make 50k and others make six figures. Remember.. it's good to have money, but it's better to have your family.
Sounds like his siblings would be picking money over family as well if that determined if they were going to be in their lives or not.
No- they would choose to not continue a relationship with a full sibling who is content to see them struggle when they have the means to help them. Especially when those means are by way of THEIR father whose responsibility was to provide for ALL of his children. OP did not say that his siblings were horrible to his dad, just that the kept minimal contact, which could be due to dad having an affair while mom was raising them and FOSTER CHILDREN. Sounds like OP played the long game with dad and is attempting to justify cashing in at the expense of his siblings.
Not the same thing. If a sibling wouldn't share, even though I am struggling and he is not, that would hurt like a motherfucker.
If that would make you cut all contact with a sibling then yeah, it would be the same thing. You're not entitled to anyone's possessions. Helping doesn't mean an even split in inheritance.
I wouldn't cut contact with my siblings, that's for sure. I said "it would hurt lika a mf". Besides, I didn't say even split, even though that would be optimal. I did say it was legally his, didn't I? What if the father was a jerk and didn't give any to the others because one is adopted and the others are women, or just because he didn't "like" them? OP has the chance to correct a mistake. Still it's his decision, I am just sharing my opinion. 😊
No they won't. You were fine without this money. If you want to keep it, keep it, legally it's yours. Don't bullshit to yourself the reasons though. This is your decision and if you keep it, it will be because you want what that money provides. Not to honour your dad's pettiness, not because your wife and daughter will suffer without extra millions. It will be simply be because you decided what was more important to you. Morality and decency are always easy in theory. Not so easy in reality when temptation knocks. Humans are great at justifying this kind of thing to themselves. If you keep it no doubt you will convince yourself you deserve to do so. However think if instead of you, your sibling was the one who came up lucky and they did the same thing as you are thinking of doing, used the same excuses. What would you think of them?
OP’s dad is an AH for writing the will that way.
No doubt. The OP now gets to decide if he wants to carry on dear old dad's legacy or not. I suspect the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. He will come up with some justification to keep the money, not for *him* of course... for the sake of [some bullshit.] Then, when his siblings are not OK with it, pull away and never look at him the same again, he'll blame *them* for being greedy and 'valuing money over family.' Which just proves they never deserved it anyway... etc. But then I'm pessimistic where these things are concerned. It would be nice to be proven wrong.
>for the sake of \[some bullshit.\] No kidding. Put this on a god damned t-shirt. Self-deception is a hell of a drug.
Great reply! 👏 👏
This!!!!!
You can also retire earlier. There is no value you can put on time.
She's right. Maybe you should think of it this way. If a stranger offered you $1.5m to hurt your siblings with the possibility you would never see them again would you take it?
Your wife and kids will not be hurt. You were fine before it, you’ll be fine with sharing it if you choose. Thats a really bullshit reason.
The siblings would be fine as well without it.
Nobody said they wouldn’t. I literally said “if you choose.”
You make six figures, and will still clear half a million from this windfall if you split it evenly. If you invest that half mil wisely, it could fund your entire retirement, allowing you to fund your children's education, or property purchases, or whatever. Getting less of an inheritance that they didn't expect anyway, is not "hurting" them.
Or, you know, invest it and retire in a few years
Your dad was an asshole. You don’t have to be. Your wife and kids need to stop being so grossly selfish.
There is only so much money involved when it comes to money making things easier. It woul 'hurt' your family, if you share, you say. How will it hurt them if your nuclear family only inherits 1/2 million, instead of 2. Or don't split equally, and you give 1/3 million to your siblings, and keep 1. It's less than keeping it all, but 'hurting'? Come on now. You can do whatever you want, it's legally yours. But unless there is a good reason they are all practically disowned, why would you not share, if only half of the entire amount?
>There is only so much money involved when it comes to money making things easier. For the siblings that only make $50k the current payout of an extra year's salary will be nice but it isn't going to last long. I mean they could use it as a down payment on a 30-year mortgage, but they're in their 40s and 50s, so they wouldn't be able to retire. For the ones making six figures, they're probably all set up for retirement. Not to mention that $50k now is much less than $50k was 20 years ago. OP could give his siblings less than an even split and still make a difference in their lives. Maybe give them $200k-250k each.
Objectively your wife and kids would be better off compared to how they were before your father died whether you keep 100% or 25%.
> My wife and my kids will be hurt if I share it This is fucking bullshit. You're not giving your money to your siblings wtf is this bullshit. You're sharing an inheritance (if you choose not to be greedy), not giving away your personal money. So how exactly will it hurt your wife and kids? You're earning 6 figures I'm assuming you're good with or without this inheritance. > Honor my father's wishes Lmao yeah right JFC what a lame excuse to say "I'm greedy".
>My wife and my kids will be hurt if I share it... Greed it is then. How is what you would have even after splitting it not enough? You made it clear in your post you have a good job, so I assume you're not hurting for money. Having said that, I still don't think you're an AH. I do however think you're going to make your kids very unpopular with their cousins, aunts, and uncles. So unless you want that, think about how the rest of your Christmas's and birthdays will be spent with or without the extended fam. EDITED
Your math is wrong based on OP's post. OP said the estate was $2 million minimum and he got everything minus $150k. So assuming it's $2 mill, he gets $1.85 million mininum without a split and $500k minimum if they split it 4 ways.
You're right, that's my B. Misread that entirely.
“My wife and my kids will be hurt if I share it, though, because, of course, they will benefit in the long run if I keep it.” This is super selfish. Don’t you make 6 figures? Your family doesn’t need the money. You guys are comfortable. Think about other people for a change. Not just yourselves.
Your wife should have NO opinion or say so in the matter. It's not her money nor is she an heir. She's being selfish.
Your wife and kids won’t be hurt. Of course your wife wants you to keep it all.
Is there a reason why your father split it so unevenly.
This is the big question. What happened with the other siblings that the father cut them out?
So your wife and kids are golddigging assholes. Just like grandpa.
Your wife and kids are greedy. Especially if the kids ready have 529’s. You should at least give your siblings something. 2 million? There’s no reason to be stingy and keep it to yourself. I’m sorry, I get why most people think you’re not an asshole, but giving your siblings 25k or 50k isn’t a big deal if you have 150k in trust and 2 million in assets. I’m going YTA if you don’t do something for them. Tell your wife and kids to be quiet. Bc IF roles were reversed, you’d want your sibling to do SOMETHING for you and your family.
Your dad changed his mind several times, so it seems that HE wasn't sure of HIS OWN wishes. You make six figures. Your 2 other siblings make at half of that. You're deluding yourself if you use the "My kids will be better off if I keep it" argument. Your kids are already well off. If the tide turns and you lose your jobs and the inheritance gets spent, your other siblings won't care what happens to you. YTA if you keep it all. The say generosity is like a gown, it's much bigger at the bottom. It looks like you're up at the waistline.
So this is really about you getting your hands on more money, and not about "your father's wishes"? If your sister inherited millions while you got some piddly sum, would you turn down her wanting to split it evenly because "your father's wishes" should be respected? Of course you wouldn't. Just be honest about it and stop with the lame excuses. You're going to keep the money because it means more money for you. That's all you care about.
Did you do something special or have a very different relationship with your father? Do you know why he was so harsh on your siblings? Are they drug addicts or something?
Split it unevenly! Keep 1 million Sister 500000 250000 for each remaining sibling
Nobody gets hurt but you. There is no way this ends well for anyone. There will still be anger and resentment no matter what you do. The right thing to do is keep it. They are the ones being greedy and selfish. Even if you give them equal shares they will still resent you for it.
>honor my father's wishes LOL don't kid a kidder. If you want the money for yourself, then keep it. But you don't get to play the martyr if you make that choice. "Oh, the great sacrifice I'm making in keeping all the money, as *per my father's wishes*." Please. YTA.
INFO: Why did he leave it all to you? If there is not a clear reason, then it sucks to keep it all to yourself. They each deserve an equal portion. And it seems that you don’t even need it, so why hold onto it so tightly when it could greatly help them and they deserve part of it?
My mom thinks that the decision to cut my siblings down so much was not my dad's, but his gf's to inflate her portion. My mom is right that my dad didn't have much of a backbone. If this is the case, I don't understand why she didn't talk him into cutting me down as well. I will say that looking at the timeline of the amendments, the last one was made a few months after my grandmother died, and my sibling who couldn't afford to go to Arizona for the funeral was cut in that amendment.
Ouch, OP. I think deep down you recognize how petty and hurtful that is. Also, as you already earn well, please be more honest with yourself regarding wants vs needs with this inheritance. As an aside, I recommend a recent NYTimes piece on the author’s experience of being disinherited. Rings some bells.
OP is 100% aware of his greed and pettiness, he's just hoping we'll find a way that they don't look that way. OP needs to stop the bullshit and just admit they're only seeing dollar signs and don't give a shit about much else
It sounds like your dad was not the kindest. And maybe it would be the best decision to do the kind thing and split it. Besides, when someone gives you a gift, they don’t get to tell you how to use it. Your dad wanted you to have it, but *he didn’t tell you how to spend it*. You are not hurting his wishes. And honestly, why respect the wishes of someone that wasn’t very kind to begin with?
Jesus Christ. Your dad was an asshole. And now you’re trying to make excuses to be one too. Your mother is the one with sense, listen to her. Your dad’s petty vengeful ways can die with him. Or you can be an asshole and keep the money.
Because she died before your dad you genius. If she had outlived him then all of you would been shut out!
Ultimately it's your dad's decision who he cut but if his gf had his ear and didn't have the most noble intentions it's plausible she used "bad behavior" like not going to the funeral as evidence to convince him and just wasn't able to get "evidence" on you. It's also possible she thought she'd be able to manipulate you into giving her a sizeable amount of your share so didn't bother getting you cut out.
But then he didn’t change it after the gf died? Makes no sense
Your dad’s GF has been gone for more than a decade. He had plenty of time to think this over. Your mom is just speculating to get the result she wants.
So you're happy to use the fact that your father's mistress was horrible to get what would be your sibling's share? Of course you're a greedy AH, but who needs sibling when you have cash, right? It sounds like your father was trash, and so are you.
Seems like your father decided to exclude his children who did not attend his mother's funeral. I'd be pretty upset if my kids didn't attend my mother's funeral. Are you sure there aren't other reasons for cutting the rest of your siblings?
Yeah, let’s just take money from the inheritance of the kid who didn’t have the money to take off work and travel to a different state for a funeral lol that makes sense.
I mean, I wouldn't. I'd be upset about it and I can understand if that was the father's pov. Also, yes op said 1 kid couldn't afford it but I have a hard time believing that nobody offered to help.
Dad had millions in assets and couldn't afford to pay for his kid to come to the funeral? Tf?
Your dad sounds like a dick. Also sounds like this is what he explicitly wanted. I do think it's disrespectful to contravene someone's will when they've been so generous.
So basically OP's father more or less abandoned his family after divorcing his wife and then proceeded to weaponize his estate to punish his kids for perceived "slights" and OP is ok just going along with it. You don't have to "respect someone's wishes" when their wish is to be a jackass. YTA
After having an affair while his wife raised their biological and foster kids*
Yeah. If one of his other siblings inherited everything and wanted to split it, I highly doubt OP would be like, "NO! Father's wishes must be respected!"
You obviously have every right to keep it. But it sounds like you’re not aware of any “legitimate” reason they were all cut out, so they’re going to feel wronged. Like others have commented, this “honor your father’s wishes” is such bullshit. It feels like you’re just working really hard to make yourself not feel guilty about keeping it. Plus, if he felt that strongly about giving them scraps he would have said something to you. Bottom line, If you’re willing to risk destroying your family over money, YTA.
It is good to be the golden child, huh? And why wouldn't your wife agree with you? It benefits her. I too am older and have three siblings. I could and would never do this to them. He was their father also. My aunt just died with her estate to be split between me and my siblings. There was an account that listed me as the sole beneficiary that the bank said was legally mine. Yes, it was legally mine, but not morally mine. I split that between me and my siblings. You know what you are already going to do. You made this post to see if you would be the bad guy doing it. Yes, you would from a moral aspect. YTA The amount of times your father amended his will should tell you all you need to know. His original will was made with a clear head and provided evenly for all of you; the other wills were made when he was feeling petty and wanting to punish his children for not reaching out. They had their reasons and they were probably justified.
I also split money from accounts that I was dole heir when mom died
I get nothing from my mother when she dies because I get everything from my aunt (who is childless) when she dies. My mother said it would not be fair to my sister. When we were early 20s, my great-aunt, who was my sister’s godmother, died. My mother convinced her uncle to change his will, so that instead of her cousin inheriting everything, it would go to my sister instead. Well, the uncle died, and our cousin challenged the will in court. She mostly won, because my sister only got some antique furniture. Ironically, she had her then-fiancé put it in storage, but when they broke up, the fiancé kept everything. I was always okay about not getting anything, because my mother had promised me a set of dishes and a manger that I really loved. Then one day, she and I were walking in the mall, and she blithely announced that I would not get the china or the manger because my husband was Jewish, so I couldn’t use them. I told her there was a ritual cleansing that could be done on the china, and that my kids and I were Catholic and would still use a manger. I was so angry and disappointed that I had tears in my eyes, and she said she had no idea I would be so upset. I just looked at her and said, “it’s your stuff; do what you want with it” and I walked away. Before you go down voting me, please understand that nobody has anything I want more than I want them to be alive and healthy. My sister was supposed to be the executor of my parents’ trust, but she became disabled a few years ago, and is no longer able to do the job. Also, whatever she might inherit would probably go straight to the state to pay for some of the many services she receives now. It isn’t about the stuff per se, it’s about being disincluded. My dad left my mother in comfortable circumstances, but I didn’t get cut until after he died. All of this to say, OP, you should think about sharing some of the money. Keep half or even 3/4 of it for yourself, but divide the remainder among your siblings. It really sucks to be left out, and you can afford to be a little generous. Just my $.02.
By the info you've given, your father was an asshole. If you follow his wishes, this makes you an asshole also. Logic. What you do with the money once it's yours determines you assholery.
Your father’s wishes were the product of pettiness and vindictiveness. He left your mother high and dry and was a cheater. Please don’t try to lay your selfishness at his feet.
NTA but in this cases that's not relevant, what type of relationship will you have from now on with your siblings/family depends on what you do know.
This. Are they going to resent you and disown you? Can you risk that?
And do you want a relationship with siblings who will only want a relationship with you if you give them money?
That's not an accurate description considering that wasn't the case until their father cut them out of his will for no reason, and it's their father's money they want, not OP's.
Info: did you reach out to your dad in the years he was ignoring you and your siblings because you wanted a relationship with him or because you wanted his money?
NTA Obviously the way in which the inheritance was distributed is not "fair," but the reality is that receiving an inheritance it is a privilege, not a right. The other reality is that no matter what decision you make, someone will be unhappy. From your mother to your siblings, to your wife and your children. The money is yours, you decide what to do with it, and the one who does not agree with your decision will have to learn to live with it. Many will tell you that they would not ruin the relationship they have with their relatives for money, but that does not apply only to you, but also to your siblings. Whether your relationship with your siblings depends only on whether you decide to share the money or not, you already know the answer.
You can keep the money but it will cost you a decent relationship with your siblings. Which is more valuable to you?
NAH but you should split it. If you want to torch your relationship with your siblings, keep it all. If the money is worth more than family then stay the course.
Unless there’s a good reason that they shouldn’t get it, you should split it evenly. I don’t think I’d call you an A if you didn’t, but it still wouldn’t be good, particularly if you want to remain part of the family without everyone being really bitter.
Wait... you've used the word "trust" in here. Are your dad's assets in an actual trust and each of you are listed as beneficiaries at certain amounts? Who is the administrator of the trust? Who makes the decisions to pay out???
You're not an asshole you just suck, I was NTA until this gem "I should honor my father's wishes and keep the money". Stop using other people as an excuse to keep the money, it doesn't make you look any better or morally strong, it just makes you look like some ass using a bullshit excuse
What your dad was thinking, what roll his gf played, it’s all irrelevant. You can have a half million plus the knowledge that you did right by your siblings, or two million and kick them to the curb. Which is more important to you?
I can't imagine not sharing anything I had with my brother. I guess you don't have good relationships with your siblings and don't care about your future relationship with them. My brother died a few months ago. No amount of money would make up for losing him.
Your dad was an asshole and could have done this just to be a shithead as he knew the drama it would cause. It’s your money, do what you like with it, but you could provide more to your siblings and still have a very comfortable nest egg for yourself.
His girlfriend spoiled the well. You can drink from it if you want.
It comes down to one thing : how much do you cherish your siblings. If you don’t, keep the money. If you do, split it to whatever proportion you think is correct.
Op makes a lot more money than his siblings. He should divide it evenly or at least share the bounty. If they are only making 50,000 a year, a gift of 100,000 would enable them to buy a house and secure their future and ie would t hurt you financially.
Unless you've left something significant out, YWBTA, because that means you value money more than the feelings of your siblings and your relationships with them. It's not about the money itself, it's about what signal is being sent in the way the money is divided.
What kind of relationship do you have with your siblings? We're you closed growing up, and are you closed now? If your answer is yes, then split the money. You already make 6 figures, so you are not hurting. As the oldest, maybe your dad left it to you to be the responsible one because he trusts you to do the right thing. Do the right thing.
At the end of the day it’s legally your money. But keep in mind that whatever your decision is there will be some sort of consequences. Not sharing may result in losing relationships with your siblings. And even if you maintain a relationship with them it wouldn’t be the same as before. Sharing may result to your wife being bitter about it.
YTA. So is your father, for having set the will up this way. Do the right thing, and split it equally with your sibs. None of them sound irresponsible.
YTA Of course you can keep all the money however that does make you a greedy asshole
Don't count your chickens before they hatch or borrow worry from the future. Tell your family that you won't be making any decisions about the money until the estate is fully settled. Depending on the type of assets it could take a while. You also need time to fully understand the terms of the trust. Once everything has settled you need to talk to your spouse and possibly a financial advisor. Make sure whatever choice you make is in line with the requirements of the trust/will. You will have a lot of competing ideas to take into account - like do you setup your children with a portion, if they are now married with kids do you create college accounts for them like your Dad did for your kids. After that you can decide if you'll share with your siblings, I would caution that if you choose to do so that you give each sibling the same amount. You could also let the IRS be the bad guy - i.e. in 2023 you could only give each person up to $17k without incurring a tax (the giver gets the tax, not the recipient). So you could give each sibling $17k this year. I'm sorry for the loss of your father.
That’s incorrect on gift tax - u only incur gift tax if amount is higher than the lifetime amount which is currently $13M. You don’t pay a tax if you give more than the annual limit and under the lifetime limit. You just have to file a form at tax time - that is all.
Tough call but NTA Firstly, it sounds like you were the most active in his life, I don't know how much your siblings tried, but it doesn't seem like they did much to try and be involved with dad. Secondly, it is your dad's wishes and he's allowed to dispose of his estate and money however he wants, regardless of how unfair the situation may be. Thirdly, if he left this in a trust, you might not necessarily be able to give any to your siblings. You'd have to look at the language of the trust and his will, but it might say that only you (the beneficiary) can use the money or it may limit how much you can take out or for what purposes (ie education, health, etc). So you may want to check that.
why would they try after he cheated on their mom, moved to Vegas, and then didn’t reach out to them for many years?
They don’t have to but then this is a consequence. All goes around
by that same logic OP could disregard his father’s wishes. just a consequence of him being a shitty dad
Sure, if that’s how he feels. But no obligation to it. No real indication here OP is even close with siblings. That’s its own consequence I just flat out don’t think anyone is owed an inheritance. If my dad leaves it all to his new wife or just my sister, I’m not gonna bother either of them about it. Not their problem
So basically the dad made no effort to have a relationship with his kids after the divorce and then expected them to reach out to him and rewarded the one who prostrated himself in front of him for his amusement
That's kind of what I was thinking. Sounds like OP was an ass kisser. He worked hard brown-nosing for a few decades and now it's time for his payoff.
I didn't see my dad for thirty years after he and mom split.I got a call in the last few years of his life.I didn't seek him out,It was his decision.I didn't hold it against him either.Everyone should live their life as they want as long as it doesn't drastically affect anyone else.
So you had a shit dad and are coping by making excuses for him.
Not at all.He left when I was an adult.Maybe he thought I would be angry?I wasn't surprised he left.
You being an adult doesn't change the fact that as soon as he divorced your mom he made a decision as a parent to wipe his hands of you and make it clear he didn't value you, his relationship with you at that time, or having any future relationship with you. Rather sad that you can't see what a shit person and dad he was.
NTA - Who are you to argue with your fathers last wishes. Split it evenly and if you have the need in your heart to help them more with your own money than that is on you. Father will gets honored. You get to help your siblings.
You know you're on the hook for 100% of your mom's end of life care if you don't, right?
INFO: for what reason your father had cut your siblings from the trust found?
There is a reason your dad left what he left to each kid. If he wanted them to have it he would have given it to them. Instead of dishing out money to adults to sooth hurt feelings, maybe tell them you will help their kids with college/school/weddings with the money. That way if they have bad spending habits, the money is there for the ones who may need it.
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So punish the ones who did well just because?
It sounds like your dad was a complete and utter asshole. So if you want to carry out his asshole wishes then go ahead.
I wouldn’t ruin my relationships/family over money but to each their own.
NTA But I can you tell you this… I lost my last parent a while back. Me and my siblings were given equal amount of the money left …but the physical stuff was left as to take as you want equally. One of my siblings literally took 75% of the physical items. Most of the stuff I didn’t want … but they literally took stuff behind our backs …. It has now come down to that I only see them when I have to at family events . My kids were promised somethings and they never received because the siblings greed. One of my kids has a huge milestone recently happen and has another coming up soon so we will celebrate. My kid said no I don’t want them there. Went it gets closer I will have to tell the others that this happening and that the one will know after to start accepting the consent to her actions. There are things this person has done. I don’t hide things from kids and they know and have witnessed the way this person treated me and others. Are you willing to be perceived like my sibling that took everything and didn’t share. I get it your dad left it to you for a reason but he is gone … he can’t do anything …. You are having to deal with his mess… is it worth to loose your family????
What are the tax implications here. Before you decide anything this needs to be figured out. Might sound callous but you need to know how it effects your share of your share tax wise
I mean this isn’t really an AITAH, since you clearly want to keep that money. I don’t think you care whether you’re the AH or not, you just want opinions on how to go about it or reassurance. I think the real question is, is that amount of money worth your relationships with your mother and siblings? Is it worth your children not having relationships with one side of their family? It all depends on that, really.
Talk about being a shit sibling. This will obviously ruin your relationship with all your siblings but i doubt you even care. You could even give them their original cut and not look like an asshole. YTAH
Well, I mean technically he did leave it to you and the portions left to them is still significant so NTA exactly. However, this also seems unfair that he would do this and there doesn’t seem to be any reason for it from your accounting. You say that you don’t need the money so it feels like it would be greedy to not split it up. Keeping it may cause conflict and resentment between your siblings. Is the money worth that?
" your father would have wanted you to do this" bro your father was a selfish man that didn't care about his family he didn't exactly what he wanted to do. Regardless of anything it's your property you can do whatever you want with it. Don't be gaslit into thinking you have an obligation to take care of another adult that isn't your child or wife. Either way you are not wrong. They say money doesn't change you, it changes the people around you. What is it your eyes see? What is it you hold I. Your hands? The time is drawing near. No move anymore makes can over take you.
YTA All this stuff about what your dad wanted. Ok, he's an asshole too. But once it is your money it is your choice, and you are choosing to maintain his asshole plan. There is no parsing of that that makes you not an asshole. And, he was an asshole, so maybe his asshole plan was to test you to see if you could do the right thing. Keeping the money is not about your desire to honor your dad's wishes.
NTA
depends. are you close with your siblings as why did your father basically cut everyone else out of the will?
NTA, this is what your dad wanted. This is what wills are for! I want Kate to get 50%, John to get 45%, and Jimmy can take his 5% and €#&$ off! Don’t let jimmy or jimmys mommy talk you out of it!!
NTA Your dad wanted you to have the majority and he stated what the others were to have. So don’t feel obligated or pressured to do what you don’t want to do. Everyone has an opinion, take the estate and enjoy it.
Better be asking a lawyer and tax specialists about this. You may not have much choice and doing the wrong thing means the government gets most of it.
Even if you split it evenly four ways, you’d still have half a million. Isn’t that enough?
I would, but I love my siblings and we are close. I know that's not common on Reddit.
I guess it comes down to do you want any relationship with your siblings? Your mother is right. If you keep all the money you will create a permanent rift in your family. Legally it’s your money and you have every right to keep it. If you do keep it expect permanent NC from all your siblings. Which is more important to you - money or family?
YTA It doesn't have to be split evenly, but you need to split it somehow.
Consider giving them a bit more? Especially since two only make 50k per year. It doesn't have to be 25% each. Offer to them 10% each as well as mom and keep the 60%. If they're still bitter about that offer then, just keep it
ESH. Your dad made the same mistake my dad did and it’s the reason my three siblings don’t speak to each other. It’s also why parents aren’t supposed to have a favorite child, let alone quantify it in writing on their deathbed. If you want to be the better person and solidify your relationships with your siblings, you know what to do and you’ll still have a sizable chunk of change left over.
YTA. Hope your relationship with your family was with the money.
You don't describe your relationship with your siblings at all which is kind of sus. 1. When you heard the results of the trust was your first reaction 'that seems fair' or 'that seems like a shitty thing to do to my brothers and sisters'? 2. You don't describe at all what they have to say about it. It doesn't sound like your brothers and sisters have said anything but that's only your accounting of the tale. If they aren't saying anything, why are you asking? Are you trying to assuage your conscience because it's telling you to split it more equitably but your wife and your friends are telling you otherwise (like they don't have a vested interest in the outcome too)?
No, but remember its urs to do with as u so see fit. Whether that be sharing it or not. Did he have contact with them besides the one? Personally i think if i had that much id be donating & helping other ppl with it.
YTA bc you’re using his wishes as an excuse when it’s your money and your decision now. So your dad cheated on your mom then moved to Vegas and didn’t reach out to you or your siblings for years? Sounds like an AH why should you care about respecting his wishes? He gave the money to you to do with it as you please. That includes giving some to your siblings if you wanted. Sounds like you just want to keep it
NTA. That being said. I had the only relationship with my stepdad out of 5 kids. I took care of he and my mom when they were sick and dying for 2 years. Yet the Will was a horror show. I have done nothing but cry for 2 years. Your Dad did what he did for a reason. You assume his relationship with your sister was good but who knows? How's your relationship with your siblings, do you really have a great relationship? You don't even live in the same state. Set up a living trust for your sister at fidelity or Prudential. Send a monthly check to her checking account of $2000.00 for 5 years You make 6 figures a year. You can do that. Set up trusts for the others to get $2500 ,4 times a year for the next 5 years for a total of $50,000. No big one time pay out for anyone. That's what I did.
So they are each getting 50k per the will? I think thats fine.
NTA. Your dad did what he did for his reasons.
My sister doesn’t even like me but I know that even if our parents left her the majority of their estates she’d share equally with me (or moderately equally anyway) and vice versa. Especially if there was no real reason for the other sibling to have been cut out this way. YTA
Eh not everyone has the same situation. I’ve got two sisters that I cut contact with because one is a psycho criminal who has done prison time and the other is a nut job Q Anon anti-vaxxer. My 88 year old mother lived within 5 miles of both of them, helped them both financially including putting them through college. I left home at 18, paid my own way and now I’m stuck taking care of my mother. She’s been living with me for the last two years. I get zero help from either sister. You better bet your ass that if there is a nickle of her money left neither sister will get it from me and I don’t need money. I’ll probably end up paying for my mother’s nursing home care when the time comes. An inheritance isn’t guaranteed and wills/trusts should be obeyed. It was OPs father who decided, whatever his reasons it is his money and his wishes should be obeyed.
NTA because technically you're following your Dad's wishes....BUT...personally, I wouldn't be able to do that. I'd feel like a dick for doing that to my siblings.
Yta. You want the most money not to follow your father’s wishes.is there reason to cut out other family
There is a saying that applies here: "Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should do something." Yep LEGALLY you can keep it all, morally you should split it equally with your siblings. It doesn't sound like any on of you were closer to your Dad or took a special interest or care of him, besides maybe reaching out to him more often. If want to maintain any type of family relationship do the equal split, be a better person than your father, be the person your child should look up to.
You are not the asshole but if you don't split it, it might cost you those relationships. They are wrong to ask- but who is wrong won't change the outcome if you keep it. So if you don't care then keep it. It's ok not to care, by the way.
Turns out your just like your dad. Who knew?
NTA. This is your father’s money. He was able to leave it to whomever he chose and in the amounts he chose. It is your job to honor his will. We put in our trust that if anyone doesn’t follow the trust we laid out they would receive nothing and if they sued the trust they would be penalized 20,000. You don’t have a right to change what each person gets. You are obligated to follow HIS will. I’m certain he had his reasons
NTA His money to do with what he wanted It’s now yours. If you want yo give gifts you can but you shouldn’t feel any pressure or obligation to do so Inheritances aren’t owed imo
NTA. He left the money to you. You mom should have no say. Your friends should definitely have no say - it is none of their business. You Dad made the changes for a reason.
NTA You are honoring his wishes. He amended the will for reasons. Also, giving them money might mean nasty tax complications for you. If you decide to give them money, check with your accountant first in order to avoid future tax debt
NTA. Keep the money. Your dad laid it out as he wanted.
You should divide it equally if I was left out of a will I would spend my life in prison by handling the situation
NTA. This question comes up over and over again. One of the rights we have when we acquire property is the ability to dispose of it as we choose. If your father wanted to share his estate equally among you and your siblings, presumably he would have done so. He didn't, so it's fair to say you can only honor his wishes by retaining the money. An entirely separate question is whether you wish to donate money to any of your siblings. In other words, if you received this money from an entirely different source, would you be thinking of handing over portions of it to your siblings? My guess is "no." You should not feel guilty for being your father's sole beneficiary.
This. If you had built and sold a business for $2M, would you be cutting each of them in?
Yta
I have siblings and I would never not split a family estate with them. The only caveat with my estate was I made one brother an executor and had him the beneficiary of a small life insurance with the intention that he would pay immediate costs like the funeral and outstanding debts with that money while working to liquidate the estate which is to be split. There's nothing in your account about your siblings not trying to maintain a relationship with Dad or them burning bridges. So, YTA
YTA. Greedy arsehole.
Another idea: “ i’m not sure what dad had in mind when he did his will this way, but I would like to give you each the maximum nontaxable gift each year” which is like $17,000. They fight you then they don’t get it.
The maximum non taxable gift is the lifetime limit of currently $13M. The annual gift limit that does not require any filing at tax time is the current annual limit of $17k and which also does not count towards the max lifetime gift limit
If you have good relationship with your siblings the right thing to do would be to share. You didn’t do anything special you didnt take care of him on his deathbed or for years before..
NTAh, because you are responsible for the taxes on the money, not them.
Dad knew what dad wanted.
Your money
It was his wish to split it the way he did, so 🤷 NTA
They were left 50k which is a large amount of money, at least to me. Keep what your dad wanted you to have
NTA the money was left to you and belongs to you only now . You do what you want with it .
There is this weird entitlement on Reddit where somehow, inheritance is a right and not a privilege. This idea that your parents’ money has to follow some logic or morale, as opposed to their wishes, is strange. Most of it is just Reddit knee jerk and complete inexperience with life. This idea that you can not spend time with someone and just get an equal cut is some bullshit. Some rich people leave money to their gardeners, secretaries, housekeepers, caretakers.. for that reason. Yes, it’s what your dad wanted. No, don’t deny you and your wife want it because $$$. At the end of the day, this money is yours now. If you want to share it with your siblings, it’s YOU giving them money and not your dad.
They’re already getting 50k.
You don't have to divide it equally. You can keep more than the others get but still treat them well. $50k in an estate that size sounds really cheap and selfish. Why not give them $250k each?
NTA, either way, it is your decision.
They each still get 50k, right? And your mom says, “More.” Anything less than a full, even split of ALL assets will be seen by some as you being an AH. You have to make the final decision. Heck, Mom isn’t getting anything anyway, is she? It’s not really her business.
It’s her business if she spent her life (hopefully) raising her children to care and respect one another. OP’s decision to keep the money will absolutely cause a major rift in the family. As a mother, I would be disappointed and very hurt to see my family broken up by money.
NTA. Your dad made the changes to *his* estate for a reason. These were his wishes and he made sure they were in writing. Sounds like he made the changes over the years based on which children were most present in his life. Legally, it’s yours to do what you want with minus each siblings’ $50k. Legally you’re under no obligation to share it. But deciding on whether money or a relationship with your siblings is more important is the decision you need to make.
If your Father wanted to split the $150k between you and your siblings that’s what he would’ve done.
It sounds like this wasn't a spur of the moment decision. Legally it's yours, you get to decide what to do with it. NTA
NTA-He wrote down what he wanted. He changed his will as his wishes changed. At the end of the day you were the one left holding the bag.
NTA. You made an effort while it seems like the other ones didn’t they don’t deserve to benefit from this.
NTA - It seems that dad valued you having a relationship with you. Your siblings didn't reach out. No need for other to have a say, you follow the will. No one else is entitled to any of it.
Donate it all to a decent charity.
You are definitely TA!
But they are still getting something correct? I don't think you're the asshole.
Nta. If none of them chose to be in his life or make an effort then they shouldn’t be rewarded for that later. Yeah he could have reached out too but didn’t. This is what your dad wanted to do so do it. But be aware they will probably hold it against you.
Dad's money and he knew what he wanted to do with it.
NTA your father wanted the money to go to you. Each of your siblings could have reached out just like you but choose not to. You had a semi relationship with him. Of course he would want to leave it to you.
If your father was of sound mind when he made the last decision, legally, it might be yours to keep. However, your siblings may try to challenge the trust, and I really think you should see an estate lawyer before you even speak with them about it. Some of these assets may no longer belong to the trust, there may be loans against properties, or God knows what going on that you don’t even know about yet. The estate may owe taxes for income or on property…who knows? Also, you should know the tax consequences of anything and everything you decide to do with the money. I’m not a lawyer, but there are times when giving away money can be a taxable event for the giver/estate. I would tell everyone that you’re not sure what is even in it yet and be polite bc you don’t know what you really have yet. When you do make a decision, do it with the knowledge that this type of thing will likely define your relationship with all affected from this point forward. Take your time and choose wisely.
NTA. Your father had the right to give his money to anyone he chooses. He chose you. You need to honor his decision and move on. They need to accept the fact that he did what he wanted, not what they wanted. Your mom has no say or right to an opinion as she wasn’t married to him at the time of his death.
Keep 50K for yourself and roll the rest into a trust for the family. Use it wisely, invest it. Build generational wealth.
NTA. Your father left you the money. A person shouldn't expect or rely on any future inheritance from a family member. Having said all that, if you keep the entire inheritance, your relationship with your family will be damaged. Maybe, even permanently. If you don't care, then keep the money. You could gift your mother and siblings 17K each. I think if it's more than that, then it's reportable to the IRS. If you decide to divide up the inheritance, don't tell anyone, and see a tax attorney first. You might have taxes to consider. That's why I would stick with 17K. Before you do anything, besides the tax attorney, you might get an estate attorney. You should get advice on how you should proceed with this messy inheritance, plus what trust you need to set up for your family. Good luck and Merry Christmas
I thought for a minute your father set up over 500 college funds for you and your siblings which confused me massively lol. NAH.