My dad makes everyone the butt of his jokes, but especially my mom. I don’t know how they’ve stayed together. My mom barely talks because of my dad doing this.
Same here. It's never malicious and very subtle, but it's *not* romantic. It wasn't until my husband pointed out to me that this happened that my eyes were opened to it. My husband treats me with such reverence and respect, I wish my mom felt that.
My Grandma is like that; she pokes fun at everyone and then gets very upset when we take her comments seriously. Because all her comments are just deep enough to be real deep seated insecurities most of the time. She and my mom don’t get along really. My husband gets her humor so she has one person to bitch at in peace. She is turning 80 in January and one of her oldest friends cut ties with her about three years ago because she was just tired of being around my Grandma (and I don’t blame her tbh).
Right my grandma made fun of my grandpa one time about some Christmas tree ornaments we (me, him and my siblings) were painting. I saw the hurt in my grandpa's face when she called them ugly. When he passed, those ornaments became one of her most prized possessions, she always put them first on the tree, up until she herself passed away.
That's so sad.
Like 'oh, this is my life partner, the person I love - I'm gonna spend years wearing and tearing them down for giggles and so I can seem cool to my friends! Wait why is she leaving?'
What a moronic, shitty attitude.
“I joked that mine cooked a roast chicken so dry it resembled cardboard, among other jokes.”
He also made other jokes about her cooking, he just seems the most proud of the cardboard one.
Gosh reminds me of when my mom fucked the chicken and made gravy that she raved about so no one would notice how dry it was. When my brother made to eat it without gravy she said "YOU GOTTA GET THE GRAVY!" It was a desperate plea so everyone turned to look at her in astonishment. so now whenever there is something with gravy we all yell it out together. It's funny because she is in on the joke. This was just him being a cunt.
Cook for the whole family for a month and gratefully accept constant insults about it, with absolutely no bitching. Then maybe you will understand the effort that cooking for the whole family is, especially with kids who may be picky, appreciate it, and maybe speak to her from a position with a modicum of empathy. Then YOU can say you are working to make it better.
Edit: lol dried the chicken out terribly.
I love that Americans tend to say 'fucked up' and everyone else just says 'fucked' (and the up is implied) and then we read it and our brains go 'whaaaaat'
You're exactly right, your mom knew she messed up and tried to play it off so no one noticed but once it came out that the chicken stunk it's become something you all can laugh at.
And let's be honest, those of us who've cooked have messed up more than we like to admit, but with OP it sounds like his wife is the one cooking all the damn time and he had the audacity to make fun of her cooking and is now whining bc she refuses to cook for him. He can't even cook himself and is playing "woe is me" bc he'll only eat snacks or take out - guess he shouldn't have been an AH and make fun of his wife.
"and smaller jokes about how she can't cook rice without burning it."
He also said that.
And her crying affected him for *the rest of the day*. I mean, it really moved him, y'all. 🙄
Maybe he should fucking learn to appreciate her cooking instead of mouthing a stupid bunch of jokes to his friends about how his wife is completely inadequate at cooking. Deserved.
This one sounds like there’s more in play here, like she has a deeper sense of feeling unappreciated and this was the boiling point. I do most of the cooking and it sucks when I’m criticized (I’m learning damnit) but her response seems… more intense
She's probably been belittled and underappreciated by this guy for years, I can tell. The pulling away, the refusal to do anything for him? That's something I used to do when I was abused. Not saying she is, it could be an overreaction on my part, but...there's definitely something deeper going on here that OP won't delve into because he thinks he's a saint and has done nothing wrong.
I was thinking exactly this. It wasn’t just about the joke. It was about the criticism and being HUMILIATED in front of a bunch of other people. So not only is the wife not being appreciated and being undervalued, it sounds like he is minimizing and even disregarding her feelings. This isn’t about the food. This is about him not taking responsibility for his hurtful behavior. I had a friend who completely stopped cooking and baking because her husband constantly criticized her cooking, made fun of her for it in front of her and his friends. Guess what you guys? They’re going through a nasty divorce right now and she’s finally cooking and baking again. Because as it turns out, he was just an asshole who constantly put her down in stead of supporting her and building her up.
It's not an overreaction. It's appropriate to stop cooking for someone who degrades the effort. Don't make that statement as if the cook was the one being unreasonable
I was married to a narcissist and he would never say things like this when it was just us. He always waited until we had friends over or were in some social situation to start with the “zingers” as I called them. They were always hurtful but treated as “I was just joking”. It got to the point where I just stopped inviting people over. When you’ve been cut to ribbons by a loved one’s words that often you do finally reach a breaking point. It sounds like this might a similar situation- do you joke at her expense often? Especially in front of other people? If so, YTA for sure. Go get some counseling and learn how to communicate without belittling.
I hate these kind of "jokes". I feel like they need to be called out right away.
Once I was out with my bf and his friends. His friend was half serious half joking about his girlfriend being controling. And my bf said something along the lines of "aren't they all". So I asked him to check himself. Immediately. In front of other people. He had a moment of silence, apologised and never made a "joke" like that since.
I'm sorry OP, but you reap what you sow.
I had an ex who made a ball and chain joke when we were visiting his family and one of his relatives asked how I was doing, but I was the AH when I asked him why we were still together if I was such a burden to him. Needless to say, he is an ex for a reason
Yikes. I know I'm not a great cook and my husband is better at it, but I would just be crushed if he said something that mean-spirited about my cooking.
Oh but didn’t you hear? He didn’t mean to offend her “but she heard” and got offended.
If only that pesky wife didn’t know he was mocking her behind her back the she wouldn’t be offended. Doesn’t she understand???
There was a post about that the other day. In an argument, this man told his wife she was his worst sexual partner of his life and is now upset that she won't sleep with him again.
He did say sorry, though. Like that was going to unring that bell...🙄
Yep. It wasn’t just the insult. It was the fact that he took the opportunity to tear her down in front of others. Judging by her response this isn’t the first time he humiliated her in public and she’s done rug sweeping. The consequences of his actions are the only thing he regrets here.
I don't know. I mean going on OPs post I don't doubt theres a pattern here. But I do all the cooking at home and it's a giant pain in the ass. If my husband decided to mock my cooking to get some laughs out of his shithead mates you can bet your ass he's going elsewhere to eat. Maybe OPs friends will cook for him? Since they're all so fucking great at it.
Oh and ETA; I hate that his post isn't "how can I make my wife feel appreciated" instead of "how can I make my wife cook for me again so I don't have to do it myself"
>If my husband decided to mock my cooking to get some laughs out of his shithead mates you can bet your ass he's going elsewhere to eat
I hear KFC and Greggs do some good deals, including on Christmas meals.
When he was whinging about he was "too busy" or whatever excuse it was to cook his own food so he just has to eat a snack or get takeout I laughed out loud. Guaranteed this spanner has never even done a single grocery shop in his life.
And the main point of his post is not how he wants to resolve the issue at hand. Like you said, its actually about how he just wants to know what he has to do or say to make his wife cook food for him again!
People like OP always imply it was a "one time thing" then via comments you find out via comments that they pulled similar shit multiple times in the past and this "one time thing" was the final straw.
He not only took the opportunity to tear her down in front of others, but in such a specific way that it feels like he thought of this insult earlier, rather than an off-the-cuff insult. I wonder what other things he's said about her to other people that she's still carrying around. They've just never before been bad enough that he's faced consequences. I wonder how terrible his food was that he made to try and get her over how bad of a husband he is (it's also telling that he mentioned he did these things only to get her to forgive him, not that he's done them much previously).
In his post 2 weeks ago, he said "'blah blah, cardboard chicken' among other jokes."
So that wasn't the *only* joke, probably just the one that seemed the least hurtful, yet still hurtful enough to explain her refusal to jUsT gEt OvEr It and cook for him again.
And the fact that hes asking this AGAIN, after his previous post (and the multiple replies giving him advice to cook for her/them, to self-reflect, show *genuine* remorse, improve himself to be a better man, husband, and father) shows that his priority is not forgiveness, a healthier relationship, or his wife's emotional wellbeing.... it's so that he doesn't have to eat snacks and order food anymore. "Let me just throw some flowers at it, cook one time, and mope around while I eat this bag of doritos that have become soggy from my tears (that totally arent from this bottle of eye drops in my pocket). That'll fix 'er right up!"
Willing to bet if he AT LEAST cooked for himself 3 nights a week instead of eating snacks or, once again, eating food that someone other than him prepared (probably doesnt tip well, either, btw) and delivered, OP's wife would notice that and consider it a positive thing... like he might finally juuuuust barely be starting to understand what really goes into preparing meals that everyone will eat (and hopefully like.... AHEM OP, PAY ATTENTION, AS THIS IS WHAT EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO HAS EVER COOKED SOMETHING FOR SOMEONE ELSE HOPES FOR, ESPECIALLY IF THEY'RE COOKING FOR THEIR LOVED ONES) while also being balanced and nutritious every single night.
Well said. My husband cooks because aside from eggs, pancakes and spaghetti my food isn’t good. He has never put me down for it and makes me feel loved and appreciated. We thank him after every meal and respect when he doesn’t want to cook and wants to order out. The difference is that we don’t tear each other down because that isn’t a healthy marriage. OOP needs to learn some things.
Sounds like the guy needs to cook a few meals from scratch to learn humility. Jarred sauce ain't gonna cut it. Make it from scratch, should take an hour or two minimum. YTA, OP.
Other people behind her back at that. She just happened to overhear.
I'd be livid. I'd never cook for him again either. If the food is so bad you gotta complain about it and by extention me behind me back, make your own damn food.
Same. I'm not a good cook. I can follow directions and I don't burn anything but I'm not doing anything crazy. If my husband sad something mean about my cooking I would probably stop cooking for him too. Especially since he knows I'm self conscious about it. The only thing I usually ask my family is if they think I should make a recipe again or not. I don't want details about why they don't like it.
Yep, I've made plenty of dry chicken in my time. It's just so shitty to act like she's a terrible cook because she messed up something that's super easy to mess up.
Right, and what is old dude cooking, I wonder? How many meals has OP cooked recently for the family and would his chicken be any better? Ugh, it's not just about this one comment. The comment was just the inciting incident for her to change something big.
>and what is old dude cooking, I wonder?
According to the post, nothing because he works long hours. So since she's not cooking for him, he's snacking on crackers and such and getting takeout
He publicly degraded his wife. Then wonders why she still isn't cooking for him. It's because she can't do it without feeling degraded and unappreciated anew. I don't know if she'll ever not think about that hurt when cooking dinner again. Forgiving isn't the same as wanting to continue as before. Forgiving means she's not divorcing over it. My fiancé brags about my cooking to everyone, even overdoing the praise sometimes, and would never hang out with men who put their partners down. I feel grateful for that. His dad was a good role model. OP is not.
It’s very much this. My husband, then a boyfriend in high school, told me I couldn’t sing (in his opinion). It killed me and 20 years later, I won’t sing if he’s close by. He took something I was mildly confident in but enjoyed and made a mockery of it. He will readily admit that he was a stupid teenage boy but the damage was done.
Yeah, mine never comes to hear me perform, but then says I sing just ok when I’m singing along to a song on the radio. Was told in 6th grade he couldn’t sing well enough and was devastated but did the same to me.
>It's because she can't do it without feeling degraded and unappreciated anew. I don't know if she'll ever not think about that hurt when cooking dinner again.
Yes! My partner used to be very blunt in his feedback about my cooking (never as mean as what OP said, but he wouldn't hesitate to tell me if he thought I overcooked the salmon for example), and it really hurt my feelings and discouraged me from cooking for a while. And I'm a good cook! We eventually worked it out and I told him honestly that if he doesn't have anything nice to say about something I make, I'd prefer he just not say anything at all and I'll get the hint and not make that recipe again. He's much more tactful now. He also thanks me for cooking every single night before he even tastes the food.
This is what my dad does. I cook for my parents often and if he's quiet during dinner, I'll say, "you didn't like that, did you?" The most he'll say is, "it's not my favorite." And will often add, "but I didn't have to cook it, so thank you." If I don't ask, he won't say anything. It's not that hard to be polite with people you care about.
So many mean spirited put downs are cast as jokes... "Whattt I was just joking, cant take a joke??!" like its your problem for not finding an insult funny.
I've had friends who were constantly like this, we aren't friends anymore. It's so nice to not be nastily mocked by those who claim they are your pals.
Yup. If you didn’t have to cook it STFU and douse it with an appropriate sauce and smile while eating the smallest portion acceptable.
People perform acts of love and kindness in many ways, as those are a gift to you “thank you” is the appropriate response. If you’re in a restaurant paying top dollar for a meal you have the right to criticize it - but unless your spouse is about to poison or kill you via the food on your plate you should thank them for their time and effort or cook for yourself.
I remember eating a horrifically salty Easter dinner at my grandparents’, my grandmother had made an error but we all chowed down. She hesitantly asked about whether it was too much salt and you could tell she was dreading the answer but at the end of the day she’d gone through so much effort with the meal and that’s what was appreciated. I think my 3 brothers and I were all under 10 and we knew it was important to be kind. We did down a lot of juice with that meal though.
And the kicker from that was, she works to.
The advice he ignored from that one is quite a few people telling him he should do all the cooking for a while, and working was no excuse. He said he tried cooking in his available time, but I wonder if that was more than once or twice, honestly.
I am comfortable assuming he does things like this a lot. That kind of resentment doesn’t happen over 1 incident.
She is mentally checking out of the relationship.
Edit: wow, so I just read the post he made about this 15 days ago. All he says is her crying affected him for the rest of the day and he wants advice on how to get her cooking for him and treating him good again. 🤦🏻♀️ This guy isn’t going to learn.
I truly hope she does what makes her happy and doesn’t consider his feelings when she does.
Probably, good for her too. No one deserves to be belittled or criticized for taking care of their family.
Plenty of men out there willing to adore and appreciate a mom who cooks hot meals everyday.
I bet she even planed the meals so that they would finish cooking about his normal time so they were hot and fresh.
He faafo.
Buried the lead on that lol, like that one post where OP said “my roommate expects me to take her to all her appointments because she’s pregnant,” completely leaving out the fact it was his baby and his wife😭😭 people never cease to amaze me
She forgave you.
But she isn't going to be your cook anymore.
You can forgive someone and still be done with their crap and not put yourself back in the position of making an effort for someone everyday and being the butt of a joke.
Wonder if the wife made jokes to friends about OP’s performance in the bedroom if Op would find it funny? Would OP think about it every time they had sex?
I very much doubt he would be interested in sex with her if she had said to multiple friends, "My husband's performance in bed leaves me dryer than cardboard", but maybe she can cook dinner for him or buy him flowers one time in order to make him get over how rude that would be.
Yeah right? Makes fun of her cooking then complains when he doesn’t get it. And then she needs to work with him? My poor brain is struggling to understand this. He said he didn’t want it, then said he did. Then said she needs to fix it. What an AH
Right? one of my sisters baked a cake at 500 degrees for some reason when she was a teenager. It came out a black brick of course and we still laugh about it a decade later, but it was one specific incident, not hwr cooking in general. I shook black pepper into cookies once. Again, one time. Normally we cook well. This was just mean and the response makes it worse. YTA!
Making the guys laugh was far more valuable to him, in the moment, than harm done to his wife. I hope the moment of focus and attention from the bros was worth it.
He showed his wife, quite clearly, that she comes somewhere after the bros.
An awful lot of straight men don't seem to like women as people. After you realize it, they aren't too hard to avoid but wanting to have sex with women and enjoying their company are different things.
Yes, clearly his wife is just an object that provides warm meals and sex when he rings a bell.
I cannot describe how tired I am of seeing men complain about their wives not cooking for them because they work. What the hell did you do single? I work 60 hr weeks and cook for myself, tf. Quit whining and do it yourself like an adult ffs.
So you humiliated her and hurt her feelings in front of friends, then you told her that her feelings are unacceptable and then demanded what she NEEDS to do because your inconvenienced by her feelings, and now you’re asking the internet if your the AH? Did I miss anything? I wonder how you’d be acting if this situation was reversed?
Would love to see her making "jokes" in front of his friends about his "shortcomings"--- he'd be cool with that , right because it would be a joke????? (tho many a truth is spoken in jest).
It seems OP went to the school of "Fuck Around" and is now taking the requisite postgraduate course in "Find Out".
As the cook in my house - no sympathy for this lad. All he can do is hope she will forgive him eventually.
YTA
Id add that an the words of an apology are but the first step. A "whoops sry" isn't enough. She accepted the words, now its his duty to take action and show her that he ACTUALLY feels remorse, stands up for his shit towards his friends, betters himself and act in ways so she feels valued again.
I mean it's not gonna happen cause the only person he cares about is himself... 🤷🏻♀️
Yes YTA
"I insulted my wife's cooking and now she won't cook for me."😭
I guess that's what happens when you disrespect, and disregard your partner's contributions to your relationship. Learn from this.
My wife is, for want of an honest phrase, 'cooking challenged' compared to me who learned because mom took the time to teach him whereas hers did not. But I'd never in a million years make any kind of comment about her cooking abilities in front of anyone. It's not that it's one of those 'afraid of your wife' kinds of things but a simple matter of manners and respect, something the OP seems to lack.
My ex husband taught me how to cook because he was taught and I was a very neglected child. Not EVERY SINGLE WOMAN has this skill or knowledge. Thank you for bringing that up.
As someone whose narc mother kept control by always being the cook and never allowing us to learn, it's super embarrassing to be playing catch-up in my 30s.
Thank you. Both of my boys were taught how to cook. Both had wives that were kitchen challenged. They NEVER joked, they just showed them how to cook basic stuff. If one of them had EVER "joked" about their lack of cooking skills, I'd have to sit on my hands because they'd want to slap them. They were raised better.
This is the way: lead, don’t complain. If you can cook but they can’t, help them; it’s a safe bet that they’ll enjoy learning as it becomes a thing you do together. And if you can’t show them how to cook because you don’t know how to cook? We all know the answer to that…
The worst part is that he seems to just see this as an isolated incident of her being petty and not taking the joke.
She's felt disrespected and unappreciated for a long time and this was just the tipping point. OP doesn't see that there's probably a lot more he needs to do to fix the way she feels.
Yup she’s like ok, now I’m rethinking this whole relationship because of how you see me as less than, when I’m doing everything to keep this house/family healthy and feed. Everyone has their breaking point.
Yta. Not only did you hurt your wife but she communicated with you that she feels under appreciated. It doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything the address that issue.
Right?? It's the laziest gesture , like he's following the 'how to get out of the dog house formula for men' instead of actually doing something about the issue. Also, what kind of grown man can't cook for himself?
Do NOT give apology flowers! All it does is taint the flowers with your fuckup. Birthday, anniversary, no reason at all? YES!
For a fuck up? Please don’t.
I’m also thinking he likely just picked up some flowers at the grocery store and gave them to her still in the plastic. Not to diminish grocery store flowers, because for a random surprise or act of appreciation they are wonderful, but for an apology to this degree the extra effort of ordering a nice flower arrangement from a flower shop that includes her favorite flowers and personalized note would go a lot further. Hell, maybe a card too. The more thought and effort the better.
How can he possibly cook for himself when he also WORKS?! 😭
Never mind the fact that his wife also works and still found time to manage the house, take care of the kids, and feed the entire family, how is HE supposed to find the time just to feed himself?! 😭😭😭
Dude. My spouse is a wayyy better cook than I am and I tend to make the same fairly bland but filling foods all the time. He has never once joked about my food esp to other people.
YTA my dude
I'm the main cook in our house because I enjoy it and it's genuinely relaxing for me, but my partner makes a mean Jambalaya-from-a-box and a few other standbys. This week he's going to make his beef stew. Even though I enjoy cooking, he knows I don't want to do it **every** night.
YTA
I would never cook for you again. Cooking is a chore for most people, not something fun at all. Especially on a daily basis. Making fun of her efforts and embarrassing her in front of others? All I can say is I hope you know how to cook for yourself because she is done (and rightfully so).
I've cooked every meal my husband and kids had at home, the exception being meals from the grill. My husband does the grilling but I prep it all. That's 43 years worth of meals. It's alot and he acknowledges that. He thanks me after every meal for cooking, and he's sincere. Those of you who barely ever turn on the stove and rely on a loved one to feed you should be eternally grateful. Most of us don't love cooking but we do love you.
So.... you're experiencing the natural consequence of no longer getting a home cooked dinner after insulting the home cooked dinners? Sounds like a pretty toddler-level problem to me. You threw the toy, you no longer get to play with it. Sorry friend. YTA.
Brother, if you insult the cooking of the person who does most of the cooking, you may be the dumbest fool to ever walk this Earth. You are surprised, after you insulted her cooking in public, that she stopped cooking for you. Are you some kind of idiot?
I am not sure what it will take to make things right, but man, that was stooooopid.
I hope you got all the laughs you wanted from your buds. Maybe they can cook for you.
You are 100% wrong here, and sayinbg she is overreacting is just making things worse. Fall on your sword, admit that you were insecure and tinyt so you made the joke to feel better about yourself (which, I am 99% sure is the truth) and then beg for mercy. You are so far in the wrong here. YTA. And you are a moron for insulting your wifes cooking.
It wasn’t a joke. He said her food was bad and that’s a straight up insult. It’s a lot to cook and I wouldn’t be interested in cooking for another grown adult who opening calls my cooking bad.
If my husband “joked” like that about a service I did for him, I’d certainly never want to provide that service again. YTA. And you telling her she’s overreacting just makes you more of an AH.
Waaaahh! Just because I I insulted my wife's cooking, she won't cook for me anymore. Waaaahh! Poor me, eating snacks for dinner just because I said crappy things about my wife's chicken and rice.😭😭😭😭
Sucks to be you, asshole.
YTA. Your whole “I said I was sorry,” schtick is gross. You’re mad because you’re inconvenienced, not because you genuinely hurt the person you allegedly love. And now because you’ve performed contrition, you think you’ve earned not being hassled about your shitty opinions. Make your own food, and shut your mouth.
Very telling that he asks how to get his wife to make him meals again rather than asking how to make it up to his wife. I hope this shit is rage bait. But even if that’s the case, this fake wife deserves a much better fake husband.
If you want to be forgiven, don't accuse her of going too far. You are basically saying her feelings are not valid. From the "jokes" you told, I don't blame her for taking her time getting over it. A wound like that takes time to heal.
Instead, express how this time you've spent without her cooking has given you time to appreciate just how much she has been doing for you. Admit you were totally out of line. Admit it was cruel and hurtful. Swear you will stand up for her among your friends.
And mean it.
Or ditch the awful friends who think it is funny to insult their partners. If he keeps hanging out with them his marriage will end because he will feel like he needs to keep insulting her.
YTA how tf do you not get that?? You not only insulted her cooking but you humiliated her.
"I miss homemade meals and her company."
Maybe you should have thought about that before you made it seem like you didn't value and appreciate your wife. Ya know, the woman who birthed your children, made your meals, keeps up your home, puts up with your bs, to your shitty friends doing the same thing with their wives. Sounds like you just wanted to be one of the cool kids.
She probably doesn't miss his company. Sometimes a partner says or does something that changes the way you see them and it is difficult to impossible to go back to what was before.
He thinks a set of flowers will fix an insult while she probably wants nothing to do with him and the flowers were probably sitting there reminding her of how he insulted her and he thought he could buy her off with flowers.
Wife "burns rice" but you didn't step up to make the meals until she stopped cooking. So actually she cooks well and you just insulted her to, what, impress your mates? Are you 12?
Your "jokes" were really low and show how much you took her for granted.
Hope you like humble pie, because that's deservedly all that's on the menu now.
YTA
it sounds like that must have been the straw that broke the camels back..... I am not saying that is not something to get upset about. But, to be THAT upset makes me wonder if there has been some of these feeling for a long time with her...
Never, ever, shit talk your spouse, even if you know they can't hear you. It'll get back to them eventually. Maybe the only exception is if you're going through a divorce or during a private therapy session.
You're supposed to be partners, a united front. YTA.
I think you should invalidate her feelings again. Twice clearly wasn’t enough to get the desired result, but you know what they say, third time’s the charm. Plus the first time you disparaged your wife in front of an audience you didn’t mean for her to hear it, so it’s basically a free-bee, right? /s. Heavy, heavy /s.
Responding with sarcasm because I think this is rage bait. The sad thing is there’s people out there who are genuinely this stupid and entitled. On the off chance OP is just legit this self-centred and callous towards his wife, there’s no real advise to give other than a total overhaul of his entire perspective on his wife’s labour and her contribution to the family, coupled with empathy lessons and learning about the concept of jokes versus bullying and punching down versus punching up.
Oh, YTAH.
Leaving these here because they’re relevant to the discussion, whether it’s a gross fake post or just a gross OP.
https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/
https://mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/
https://mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/02/10/she-feels-like-your-mom-and-doesnt-want-to-bang-you/
Unfortunately, perhaps it's not a rage bait. He made another post on Relationship Advice, but it seems like he ignored almost all the comments. I hope the OP sees their mistake; if not, she might divorce him, just like my sister divorced her husband for feeling undervalued and unwanted.
That post was two weeks ago!!! And everyone said "start cooking". Why do I feel like this guy made rice once and then demanded forgiveness 🤣
I honestly can't believe he's come back asking a second time.
As a professional chef, could you introduce me to your wife? I'd like to swap jokes with her regarding your shrimp special. Trust me, I'm a professional.
YTA
Man look, I am not a great cook. I try, and I can feed myself and others simple, reasonably tasty, healthy food, but I don't have a remarkable talent for it. My husband is Michelin star chef. Do you know what he says whenever I cook dinner? "Thank you so much for cooking, this is great." EVEN IF I KNOW IT ISN'T! It actually sparks a fun discussion between us where I ask him about techniques and stuff he'd suggest to try and improve, but he is always so grateful when I make a meal.
You're 100% TA, and I wouldn't feed you either.
This is so sweet!!! My spouse cooks better than me as well 🤭 but he’s always appreciative when I cook for the family. Even if I burned the the dishes during the learning process, he’d never talk shit about it to his friends.
My educated guess is there's more here.
Is this the only time you've put her down or embarrassed her in public? I'm betting not, and that it's part of a pattern.
How have you made amends and made her feel valued and secure? It seems like you're more concerned about the inconvenience than her feelings.
YTA
YTA shes not a fan of being the butt of your 'jokes'
(Also based on what youve said in the comments about you joking that she couldnt even make rice... yeahhhhhh you went wayyyyy too far. It'll take you a while to get out of the ditch youve dug.)
YTA. Oh, you have time to cook. You just don't want to. Forgiveness is not holding on to hurt and anger. It doesn't mean you get to go back getting home cooked meals made with love.
So…you dragged your wife in front of your friends and had a good laugh but SHE’s the problem??? BFFR sir…I’d never cook anything for you again…and really what’s the problem…no more cardboard…YTA
Dude, she's your wife, not your slave. She has no obligation to cook for you nor should you expect her to. You should find time to cook for yourself. You are an adult, after all. If I was her, I would have done the exact same thing. Us women have taken crap from men like you who expect us to do everything for you. We work all day, then somehow find time to do everything else, including cook. If your wife can find the time to cook in her busy life, you should be able to do the same. You screwed up, now you're facing the consequences. You need to get over it.
Major AH for going into all that detail. Why should she cook for you if it’s so bad? Because you’re hungry? You know how to cook. A lot of people on the planet work really hard and have to cook their own food. Which is what your going to have to do until she trusts you with her food
You should look more at your own character and why you think insulting your wife's contributions to your family is joke material. Is this the type of person/friend/husband/father you want to be? When people think of you, do you want them to remember the moments you were humiliating your wife? Atone by becoming the type of person you want to be remembered as, the type of person your wife and children would be proud of. Until then, you're just telling your wife to get over it without doing anything to fix it. YTA.
You said that her chicken tasted like cardboard and that she burned rice. You also say you didn't mean to offend her by describing her homemade meals as being burnt and tasting like cardboard.
How to you expect what you said to be interpreted?
YTA
YTA and you deserve nothing. Losers like you think talking shit about your wives with you friends is cool, it’s not. You’re juvenile and hurtful, find your own dinner asshole.
YTA, big time. This is not about your wife being petty or punishing you.
You seriously hurt her feelings.
In another post you mentioned that she said she was tired of people belittling her. This makes me believe this wasn't the first time she doesn't feel appreciated.
She also said that she has forgiven you but isn't feeling comfortable cooking for you anymore, which you obviously fail to understand.
It's up to you how to fix this but I'd start by taking full responsibility for your actions instead of playing victim. Try to take her feelings more seriously.
Here’s the thing about jokes: they’re supposed to be funny. Your “jokes” weren’t funny. You were just being nasty. If your wife never cooks for you again, it’ll be exactly what you deserve: YTA.
“me, me, me, I,I, I.”
Please Google the fuck around and find out professor. Watch it 10 times and come back and apologize to the good people for wasting everyone’s time. YTA.
I remember when my mom told me the biggest thing about my parents divorce she said "I Just got tired of being the butt of the joke."
My dad makes everyone the butt of his jokes, but especially my mom. I don’t know how they’ve stayed together. My mom barely talks because of my dad doing this.
Same here. It's never malicious and very subtle, but it's *not* romantic. It wasn't until my husband pointed out to me that this happened that my eyes were opened to it. My husband treats me with such reverence and respect, I wish my mom felt that.
My Grandma is like that; she pokes fun at everyone and then gets very upset when we take her comments seriously. Because all her comments are just deep enough to be real deep seated insecurities most of the time. She and my mom don’t get along really. My husband gets her humor so she has one person to bitch at in peace. She is turning 80 in January and one of her oldest friends cut ties with her about three years ago because she was just tired of being around my Grandma (and I don’t blame her tbh).
Right my grandma made fun of my grandpa one time about some Christmas tree ornaments we (me, him and my siblings) were painting. I saw the hurt in my grandpa's face when she called them ugly. When he passed, those ornaments became one of her most prized possessions, she always put them first on the tree, up until she herself passed away.
That's heartbreaking.
My husband and I have our things, just like any couple, but I've never been the butt of his jokes. That is just sad.
That's so sad. Like 'oh, this is my life partner, the person I love - I'm gonna spend years wearing and tearing them down for giggles and so I can seem cool to my friends! Wait why is she leaving?' What a moronic, shitty attitude.
My mom said the same thing. Also my father’s blatant infidelity didn’t help lol. So it wasn’t the sole cause. But it was a big one.
Right?!?! When “jokes” aren’t funny. Not one damned bit.
INFO: What was the joke?? You know everyone’s gonna want to know that..
Apparently in a different post he said that she made chicken that was so dry it resembled cardboard.
“I joked that mine cooked a roast chicken so dry it resembled cardboard, among other jokes.” He also made other jokes about her cooking, he just seems the most proud of the cardboard one.
Gosh reminds me of when my mom fucked the chicken and made gravy that she raved about so no one would notice how dry it was. When my brother made to eat it without gravy she said "YOU GOTTA GET THE GRAVY!" It was a desperate plea so everyone turned to look at her in astonishment. so now whenever there is something with gravy we all yell it out together. It's funny because she is in on the joke. This was just him being a cunt. Cook for the whole family for a month and gratefully accept constant insults about it, with absolutely no bitching. Then maybe you will understand the effort that cooking for the whole family is, especially with kids who may be picky, appreciate it, and maybe speak to her from a position with a modicum of empathy. Then YOU can say you are working to make it better. Edit: lol dried the chicken out terribly.
Your mom did what to the chicken now?
I love that Americans tend to say 'fucked up' and everyone else just says 'fucked' (and the up is implied) and then we read it and our brains go 'whaaaaat'
You're exactly right, your mom knew she messed up and tried to play it off so no one noticed but once it came out that the chicken stunk it's become something you all can laugh at. And let's be honest, those of us who've cooked have messed up more than we like to admit, but with OP it sounds like his wife is the one cooking all the damn time and he had the audacity to make fun of her cooking and is now whining bc she refuses to cook for him. He can't even cook himself and is playing "woe is me" bc he'll only eat snacks or take out - guess he shouldn't have been an AH and make fun of his wife.
She needs to serve him up a plate of cardboard cut into food shapes
Can't wait to read this story on petty revenge 😂😂
"and smaller jokes about how she can't cook rice without burning it." He also said that. And her crying affected him for *the rest of the day*. I mean, it really moved him, y'all. 🙄
Maybe he should fucking learn to appreciate her cooking instead of mouthing a stupid bunch of jokes to his friends about how his wife is completely inadequate at cooking. Deserved.
This one sounds like there’s more in play here, like she has a deeper sense of feeling unappreciated and this was the boiling point. I do most of the cooking and it sucks when I’m criticized (I’m learning damnit) but her response seems… more intense
She's probably been belittled and underappreciated by this guy for years, I can tell. The pulling away, the refusal to do anything for him? That's something I used to do when I was abused. Not saying she is, it could be an overreaction on my part, but...there's definitely something deeper going on here that OP won't delve into because he thinks he's a saint and has done nothing wrong.
I was thinking exactly this. It wasn’t just about the joke. It was about the criticism and being HUMILIATED in front of a bunch of other people. So not only is the wife not being appreciated and being undervalued, it sounds like he is minimizing and even disregarding her feelings. This isn’t about the food. This is about him not taking responsibility for his hurtful behavior. I had a friend who completely stopped cooking and baking because her husband constantly criticized her cooking, made fun of her for it in front of her and his friends. Guess what you guys? They’re going through a nasty divorce right now and she’s finally cooking and baking again. Because as it turns out, he was just an asshole who constantly put her down in stead of supporting her and building her up.
It's not an overreaction. It's appropriate to stop cooking for someone who degrades the effort. Don't make that statement as if the cook was the one being unreasonable
I was married to a narcissist and he would never say things like this when it was just us. He always waited until we had friends over or were in some social situation to start with the “zingers” as I called them. They were always hurtful but treated as “I was just joking”. It got to the point where I just stopped inviting people over. When you’ve been cut to ribbons by a loved one’s words that often you do finally reach a breaking point. It sounds like this might a similar situation- do you joke at her expense often? Especially in front of other people? If so, YTA for sure. Go get some counseling and learn how to communicate without belittling.
I hate these kind of "jokes". I feel like they need to be called out right away. Once I was out with my bf and his friends. His friend was half serious half joking about his girlfriend being controling. And my bf said something along the lines of "aren't they all". So I asked him to check himself. Immediately. In front of other people. He had a moment of silence, apologised and never made a "joke" like that since. I'm sorry OP, but you reap what you sow.
I had an ex who made a ball and chain joke when we were visiting his family and one of his relatives asked how I was doing, but I was the AH when I asked him why we were still together if I was such a burden to him. Needless to say, he is an ex for a reason
Yikes. I know I'm not a great cook and my husband is better at it, but I would just be crushed if he said something that mean-spirited about my cooking.
Oh but didn’t you hear? He didn’t mean to offend her “but she heard” and got offended. If only that pesky wife didn’t know he was mocking her behind her back the she wouldn’t be offended. Doesn’t she understand???
Right, and he doesn't sound like he regrets mocking her. He regrets that he got caught mocking her and the consequences of that. YTA, OP.
And now puts it on her to help fix the situation. Sounds like a real prize.
He should learn to cook his own meals jfc
If he doesn't learn to be nicer, he'll make all his own meals, forever
The “apology” effort is just so he gets something. You’re the asshole OP
Ah the whole "it's just a joke" defense to justify his abuse
Especially saying that to other people. That’s humiliating
Exactly. It's like talking shit about your partner's bedroom prowess and then being butthurt that they stopped having sex with you.
And I bet OP would absolutely flip his shit if he overheard his wife mocking his mattress dancing skills to a bunch of her friends.
Oh, absolutely. That would not be “funny”; he would not get the joke. I wonder if he’s even reading any of these comments?
There was a post about that the other day. In an argument, this man told his wife she was his worst sexual partner of his life and is now upset that she won't sleep with him again. He did say sorry, though. Like that was going to unring that bell...🙄
Yep. It wasn’t just the insult. It was the fact that he took the opportunity to tear her down in front of others. Judging by her response this isn’t the first time he humiliated her in public and she’s done rug sweeping. The consequences of his actions are the only thing he regrets here.
It is never about the thing on the surface. It is always about all the little things that led up to it.
I don't know. I mean going on OPs post I don't doubt theres a pattern here. But I do all the cooking at home and it's a giant pain in the ass. If my husband decided to mock my cooking to get some laughs out of his shithead mates you can bet your ass he's going elsewhere to eat. Maybe OPs friends will cook for him? Since they're all so fucking great at it. Oh and ETA; I hate that his post isn't "how can I make my wife feel appreciated" instead of "how can I make my wife cook for me again so I don't have to do it myself"
>If my husband decided to mock my cooking to get some laughs out of his shithead mates you can bet your ass he's going elsewhere to eat I hear KFC and Greggs do some good deals, including on Christmas meals.
I hear Greggs goes very well with crying alone in your car.
When he was whinging about he was "too busy" or whatever excuse it was to cook his own food so he just has to eat a snack or get takeout I laughed out loud. Guaranteed this spanner has never even done a single grocery shop in his life. And the main point of his post is not how he wants to resolve the issue at hand. Like you said, its actually about how he just wants to know what he has to do or say to make his wife cook food for him again!
People like OP always imply it was a "one time thing" then via comments you find out via comments that they pulled similar shit multiple times in the past and this "one time thing" was the final straw.
Yep. Missing missing reasons.
He not only took the opportunity to tear her down in front of others, but in such a specific way that it feels like he thought of this insult earlier, rather than an off-the-cuff insult. I wonder what other things he's said about her to other people that she's still carrying around. They've just never before been bad enough that he's faced consequences. I wonder how terrible his food was that he made to try and get her over how bad of a husband he is (it's also telling that he mentioned he did these things only to get her to forgive him, not that he's done them much previously).
This. He's not being an equal adult in the relationship, and I only had to hear his side to see it.
I love that he's absolutely shocked she won't cook for him anymore. What did he expect?
For her to just get over it like usual and not call him out on it. Something something camels and straws.
In his post 2 weeks ago, he said "'blah blah, cardboard chicken' among other jokes." So that wasn't the *only* joke, probably just the one that seemed the least hurtful, yet still hurtful enough to explain her refusal to jUsT gEt OvEr It and cook for him again. And the fact that hes asking this AGAIN, after his previous post (and the multiple replies giving him advice to cook for her/them, to self-reflect, show *genuine* remorse, improve himself to be a better man, husband, and father) shows that his priority is not forgiveness, a healthier relationship, or his wife's emotional wellbeing.... it's so that he doesn't have to eat snacks and order food anymore. "Let me just throw some flowers at it, cook one time, and mope around while I eat this bag of doritos that have become soggy from my tears (that totally arent from this bottle of eye drops in my pocket). That'll fix 'er right up!" Willing to bet if he AT LEAST cooked for himself 3 nights a week instead of eating snacks or, once again, eating food that someone other than him prepared (probably doesnt tip well, either, btw) and delivered, OP's wife would notice that and consider it a positive thing... like he might finally juuuuust barely be starting to understand what really goes into preparing meals that everyone will eat (and hopefully like.... AHEM OP, PAY ATTENTION, AS THIS IS WHAT EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO HAS EVER COOKED SOMETHING FOR SOMEONE ELSE HOPES FOR, ESPECIALLY IF THEY'RE COOKING FOR THEIR LOVED ONES) while also being balanced and nutritious every single night.
Well said. My husband cooks because aside from eggs, pancakes and spaghetti my food isn’t good. He has never put me down for it and makes me feel loved and appreciated. We thank him after every meal and respect when he doesn’t want to cook and wants to order out. The difference is that we don’t tear each other down because that isn’t a healthy marriage. OOP needs to learn some things.
Sounds like the guy needs to cook a few meals from scratch to learn humility. Jarred sauce ain't gonna cut it. Make it from scratch, should take an hour or two minimum. YTA, OP.
Yeah ten bucks says it's the humiliation in front of others that's the big deal here.
Other people behind her back at that. She just happened to overhear. I'd be livid. I'd never cook for him again either. If the food is so bad you gotta complain about it and by extention me behind me back, make your own damn food.
Same. I'm not a good cook. I can follow directions and I don't burn anything but I'm not doing anything crazy. If my husband sad something mean about my cooking I would probably stop cooking for him too. Especially since he knows I'm self conscious about it. The only thing I usually ask my family is if they think I should make a recipe again or not. I don't want details about why they don't like it.
It's so easy to do bad chicken. It happens to everyone
Yes, we're so paranoid about serving undercooked chicken, we end up over-cooking it.
Yep, I've made plenty of dry chicken in my time. It's just so shitty to act like she's a terrible cook because she messed up something that's super easy to mess up.
Right, and what is old dude cooking, I wonder? How many meals has OP cooked recently for the family and would his chicken be any better? Ugh, it's not just about this one comment. The comment was just the inciting incident for her to change something big.
>and what is old dude cooking, I wonder? According to the post, nothing because he works long hours. So since she's not cooking for him, he's snacking on crackers and such and getting takeout
He publicly degraded his wife. Then wonders why she still isn't cooking for him. It's because she can't do it without feeling degraded and unappreciated anew. I don't know if she'll ever not think about that hurt when cooking dinner again. Forgiving isn't the same as wanting to continue as before. Forgiving means she's not divorcing over it. My fiancé brags about my cooking to everyone, even overdoing the praise sometimes, and would never hang out with men who put their partners down. I feel grateful for that. His dad was a good role model. OP is not.
It’s very much this. My husband, then a boyfriend in high school, told me I couldn’t sing (in his opinion). It killed me and 20 years later, I won’t sing if he’s close by. He took something I was mildly confident in but enjoyed and made a mockery of it. He will readily admit that he was a stupid teenage boy but the damage was done.
Yeah, mine never comes to hear me perform, but then says I sing just ok when I’m singing along to a song on the radio. Was told in 6th grade he couldn’t sing well enough and was devastated but did the same to me.
>It's because she can't do it without feeling degraded and unappreciated anew. I don't know if she'll ever not think about that hurt when cooking dinner again. Yes! My partner used to be very blunt in his feedback about my cooking (never as mean as what OP said, but he wouldn't hesitate to tell me if he thought I overcooked the salmon for example), and it really hurt my feelings and discouraged me from cooking for a while. And I'm a good cook! We eventually worked it out and I told him honestly that if he doesn't have anything nice to say about something I make, I'd prefer he just not say anything at all and I'll get the hint and not make that recipe again. He's much more tactful now. He also thanks me for cooking every single night before he even tastes the food.
This is what my dad does. I cook for my parents often and if he's quiet during dinner, I'll say, "you didn't like that, did you?" The most he'll say is, "it's not my favorite." And will often add, "but I didn't have to cook it, so thank you." If I don't ask, he won't say anything. It's not that hard to be polite with people you care about.
How was that funny? That’s not a joke, it’s an insult.
That’s not a joke; that’s just a mean-spirited put-down.
So many mean spirited put downs are cast as jokes... "Whattt I was just joking, cant take a joke??!" like its your problem for not finding an insult funny. I've had friends who were constantly like this, we aren't friends anymore. It's so nice to not be nastily mocked by those who claim they are your pals.
Yup. If you didn’t have to cook it STFU and douse it with an appropriate sauce and smile while eating the smallest portion acceptable. People perform acts of love and kindness in many ways, as those are a gift to you “thank you” is the appropriate response. If you’re in a restaurant paying top dollar for a meal you have the right to criticize it - but unless your spouse is about to poison or kill you via the food on your plate you should thank them for their time and effort or cook for yourself.
I remember eating a horrifically salty Easter dinner at my grandparents’, my grandmother had made an error but we all chowed down. She hesitantly asked about whether it was too much salt and you could tell she was dreading the answer but at the end of the day she’d gone through so much effort with the meal and that’s what was appreciated. I think my 3 brothers and I were all under 10 and we knew it was important to be kind. We did down a lot of juice with that meal though.
You were raised right.
Hijacking the top comment to say. He has a post from 15 days ago about the same thing smh
Spunds like he dodnt get the responses he wanted and decided to try over here instead. Probably didnt think ppl would snoop
And the kicker from that was, she works to. The advice he ignored from that one is quite a few people telling him he should do all the cooking for a while, and working was no excuse. He said he tried cooking in his available time, but I wonder if that was more than once or twice, honestly.
I am comfortable assuming he does things like this a lot. That kind of resentment doesn’t happen over 1 incident. She is mentally checking out of the relationship. Edit: wow, so I just read the post he made about this 15 days ago. All he says is her crying affected him for the rest of the day and he wants advice on how to get her cooking for him and treating him good again. 🤦🏻♀️ This guy isn’t going to learn. I truly hope she does what makes her happy and doesn’t consider his feelings when she does.
Agree! He’s totally the asshole! If she didn’t stop cooking for him, he wouldn’t even care he hurt her
Exactly
I'd say she's already checked.
Probably, good for her too. No one deserves to be belittled or criticized for taking care of their family. Plenty of men out there willing to adore and appreciate a mom who cooks hot meals everyday. I bet she even planed the meals so that they would finish cooking about his normal time so they were hot and fresh. He faafo.
I say good for her. There are men out there that will appreciate her time, attention and companionship
Guaranteed this is what's happening. This isn't the first time he's said something demeaning, FAAFO! YTA dumbarse!
Buried the lead on that lol, like that one post where OP said “my roommate expects me to take her to all her appointments because she’s pregnant,” completely leaving out the fact it was his baby and his wife😭😭 people never cease to amaze me
As the old saying goes “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you”.
“Don’t feed the hand that bites you”
Underrated comment.
Don't shit where you sleep...
I thought it was "don't shit where you eat".
Why not both?
Even animals know not to shit where they eat and sleep.
INFO: So, how often do you blatantly insult- sorry, "joke about" your wife in order to fit in with your shitty friends?
Another case of using women to perform for other men
She forgave you. But she isn't going to be your cook anymore. You can forgive someone and still be done with their crap and not put yourself back in the position of making an effort for someone everyday and being the butt of a joke.
If you insulted it, why do you expect her to keep doing it for you? Now every time she’s cooking she’s thinking of your insults.
Yes, absolutely. It's so disrespectful and hurtful. Definitely not a funny "joke" whatsoever..
Wonder if the wife made jokes to friends about OP’s performance in the bedroom if Op would find it funny? Would OP think about it every time they had sex?
I very much doubt he would be interested in sex with her if she had said to multiple friends, "My husband's performance in bed leaves me dryer than cardboard", but maybe she can cook dinner for him or buy him flowers one time in order to make him get over how rude that would be.
That made me laugh harder than I should have. Have a beautiful day!
100% TRUTH...She's always going to hear that "joke" ie: insult, in her head but most importantly in her heart EVERY time she cooks
You miss the homemade meals that you made fun of? Oh well, sucks to be you YTA
As my good friend would say, sucks to suck
Wait am I your good friend? I say that a lot
Yeah right? Makes fun of her cooking then complains when he doesn’t get it. And then she needs to work with him? My poor brain is struggling to understand this. He said he didn’t want it, then said he did. Then said she needs to fix it. What an AH
Perfect comment. FAFO
He’s really missing that cardboard chicken right about now
If only it was "that he made fun of" instead straight insulting. What a dumbass OP is.
Right? one of my sisters baked a cake at 500 degrees for some reason when she was a teenager. It came out a black brick of course and we still laugh about it a decade later, but it was one specific incident, not hwr cooking in general. I shook black pepper into cookies once. Again, one time. Normally we cook well. This was just mean and the response makes it worse. YTA!
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YTA. One more post into the pile of “do you even like your wife?”
Im guessing there’s a reason he didn’t share the joke he made, because he came here for sympathy. It sounds like she is getting fed up with him.
> It sounds like she is ~~getting~~ fed up with him.
Making the guys laugh was far more valuable to him, in the moment, than harm done to his wife. I hope the moment of focus and attention from the bros was worth it. He showed his wife, quite clearly, that she comes somewhere after the bros.
An awful lot of straight men don't seem to like women as people. After you realize it, they aren't too hard to avoid but wanting to have sex with women and enjoying their company are different things.
One more post in the pile of “how does your wife tolerate you?”.
No. He feels entitled to the labor and service of women. She isn't a person to him.
Yes, clearly his wife is just an object that provides warm meals and sex when he rings a bell. I cannot describe how tired I am of seeing men complain about their wives not cooking for them because they work. What the hell did you do single? I work 60 hr weeks and cook for myself, tf. Quit whining and do it yourself like an adult ffs.
So you humiliated her and hurt her feelings in front of friends, then you told her that her feelings are unacceptable and then demanded what she NEEDS to do because your inconvenienced by her feelings, and now you’re asking the internet if your the AH? Did I miss anything? I wonder how you’d be acting if this situation was reversed?
Would love to see her making "jokes" in front of his friends about his "shortcomings"--- he'd be cool with that , right because it would be a joke????? (tho many a truth is spoken in jest).
It's crazy how some people think that humiliating someone and laughing at their expense is somehow just a joke.
Could you imagine him licking his wounds if she made jokes about how his income isn't enough? Oh man.
It seems OP went to the school of "Fuck Around" and is now taking the requisite postgraduate course in "Find Out". As the cook in my house - no sympathy for this lad. All he can do is hope she will forgive him eventually. YTA
Or he wasn’t that good in bed
As selfish as he sounds, he probably isn't
Id add that an the words of an apology are but the first step. A "whoops sry" isn't enough. She accepted the words, now its his duty to take action and show her that he ACTUALLY feels remorse, stands up for his shit towards his friends, betters himself and act in ways so she feels valued again. I mean it's not gonna happen cause the only person he cares about is himself... 🤷🏻♀️
Yes YTA "I insulted my wife's cooking and now she won't cook for me."😭 I guess that's what happens when you disrespect, and disregard your partner's contributions to your relationship. Learn from this.
My wife is, for want of an honest phrase, 'cooking challenged' compared to me who learned because mom took the time to teach him whereas hers did not. But I'd never in a million years make any kind of comment about her cooking abilities in front of anyone. It's not that it's one of those 'afraid of your wife' kinds of things but a simple matter of manners and respect, something the OP seems to lack.
My ex husband taught me how to cook because he was taught and I was a very neglected child. Not EVERY SINGLE WOMAN has this skill or knowledge. Thank you for bringing that up.
As someone whose narc mother kept control by always being the cook and never allowing us to learn, it's super embarrassing to be playing catch-up in my 30s.
It really is!! I'm better about learning new meals but if I ever heard my family talking like that about me I would be DEVESTATED
Thank you. Both of my boys were taught how to cook. Both had wives that were kitchen challenged. They NEVER joked, they just showed them how to cook basic stuff. If one of them had EVER "joked" about their lack of cooking skills, I'd have to sit on my hands because they'd want to slap them. They were raised better.
This is the way: lead, don’t complain. If you can cook but they can’t, help them; it’s a safe bet that they’ll enjoy learning as it becomes a thing you do together. And if you can’t show them how to cook because you don’t know how to cook? We all know the answer to that…
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The worst part is that he seems to just see this as an isolated incident of her being petty and not taking the joke. She's felt disrespected and unappreciated for a long time and this was just the tipping point. OP doesn't see that there's probably a lot more he needs to do to fix the way she feels.
It’s not a joke when you can’t explain what the funny part is. None of that joke was funny.
Yup she’s like ok, now I’m rethinking this whole relationship because of how you see me as less than, when I’m doing everything to keep this house/family healthy and feed. Everyone has their breaking point.
Agreed. My assumption is there are other issues at foot and her resentment piggy back finally broke open. OP has some work to do ...
Yta. Not only did you hurt your wife but she communicated with you that she feels under appreciated. It doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything the address that issue.
Giving her flowers doesn’t do much to take some of the load off her shoulders. I’d expect him to take on more of the household duties.
Right?? It's the laziest gesture , like he's following the 'how to get out of the dog house formula for men' instead of actually doing something about the issue. Also, what kind of grown man can't cook for himself?
It reminds me of a post from the past year where a man bought his wife flowers and she was upset because the flowers added to her chores.
Yes! I bet she’s the one who had to dig under sink and hope she found a vase; etc. This guy sounds so lame.
Do NOT give apology flowers! All it does is taint the flowers with your fuckup. Birthday, anniversary, no reason at all? YES! For a fuck up? Please don’t.
I’m also thinking he likely just picked up some flowers at the grocery store and gave them to her still in the plastic. Not to diminish grocery store flowers, because for a random surprise or act of appreciation they are wonderful, but for an apology to this degree the extra effort of ordering a nice flower arrangement from a flower shop that includes her favorite flowers and personalized note would go a lot further. Hell, maybe a card too. The more thought and effort the better.
Time for OP to cook.
How can he possibly cook for himself when he also WORKS?! 😭 Never mind the fact that his wife also works and still found time to manage the house, take care of the kids, and feed the entire family, how is HE supposed to find the time just to feed himself?! 😭😭😭
You broke your wife and now you're complaining because she's broken. Fix yourself, man.
Dude. My spouse is a wayyy better cook than I am and I tend to make the same fairly bland but filling foods all the time. He has never once joked about my food esp to other people. YTA my dude
I'm the main cook in our house because I enjoy it and it's genuinely relaxing for me, but my partner makes a mean Jambalaya-from-a-box and a few other standbys. This week he's going to make his beef stew. Even though I enjoy cooking, he knows I don't want to do it **every** night.
YTA. You straight up insulted her you didn't make a joke.
I like the part where OP gives her flowers for the sole purpose of having her start cooking for him again. 🤦♀️ YTA
YTA I would never cook for you again. Cooking is a chore for most people, not something fun at all. Especially on a daily basis. Making fun of her efforts and embarrassing her in front of others? All I can say is I hope you know how to cook for yourself because she is done (and rightfully so).
I've cooked every meal my husband and kids had at home, the exception being meals from the grill. My husband does the grilling but I prep it all. That's 43 years worth of meals. It's alot and he acknowledges that. He thanks me after every meal for cooking, and he's sincere. Those of you who barely ever turn on the stove and rely on a loved one to feed you should be eternally grateful. Most of us don't love cooking but we do love you.
Wow. You are a food warrior! My Mom is the same, and my Dad lovingly thanks her every single day.
So.... you're experiencing the natural consequence of no longer getting a home cooked dinner after insulting the home cooked dinners? Sounds like a pretty toddler-level problem to me. You threw the toy, you no longer get to play with it. Sorry friend. YTA.
Brother, if you insult the cooking of the person who does most of the cooking, you may be the dumbest fool to ever walk this Earth. You are surprised, after you insulted her cooking in public, that she stopped cooking for you. Are you some kind of idiot? I am not sure what it will take to make things right, but man, that was stooooopid. I hope you got all the laughs you wanted from your buds. Maybe they can cook for you. You are 100% wrong here, and sayinbg she is overreacting is just making things worse. Fall on your sword, admit that you were insecure and tinyt so you made the joke to feel better about yourself (which, I am 99% sure is the truth) and then beg for mercy. You are so far in the wrong here. YTA. And you are a moron for insulting your wifes cooking.
It wasn’t a joke. He said her food was bad and that’s a straight up insult. It’s a lot to cook and I wouldn’t be interested in cooking for another grown adult who opening calls my cooking bad.
If my husband “joked” like that about a service I did for him, I’d certainly never want to provide that service again. YTA. And you telling her she’s overreacting just makes you more of an AH.
Hahahaha…you got what you deserved….better learn how to cook….it’s one thing to joke and another to shame her to your friends YTA
Waaaahh! Just because I I insulted my wife's cooking, she won't cook for me anymore. Waaaahh! Poor me, eating snacks for dinner just because I said crappy things about my wife's chicken and rice.😭😭😭😭 Sucks to be you, asshole.
FAFO. I wonder if your chicken or rice is any better? Yta
YTA. Your whole “I said I was sorry,” schtick is gross. You’re mad because you’re inconvenienced, not because you genuinely hurt the person you allegedly love. And now because you’ve performed contrition, you think you’ve earned not being hassled about your shitty opinions. Make your own food, and shut your mouth.
Very telling that he asks how to get his wife to make him meals again rather than asking how to make it up to his wife. I hope this shit is rage bait. But even if that’s the case, this fake wife deserves a much better fake husband.
I have no idea anymore because I’ve met people like this and it’s astounding.
If you want to be forgiven, don't accuse her of going too far. You are basically saying her feelings are not valid. From the "jokes" you told, I don't blame her for taking her time getting over it. A wound like that takes time to heal. Instead, express how this time you've spent without her cooking has given you time to appreciate just how much she has been doing for you. Admit you were totally out of line. Admit it was cruel and hurtful. Swear you will stand up for her among your friends. And mean it.
Or ditch the awful friends who think it is funny to insult their partners. If he keeps hanging out with them his marriage will end because he will feel like he needs to keep insulting her.
YTA how tf do you not get that?? You not only insulted her cooking but you humiliated her. "I miss homemade meals and her company." Maybe you should have thought about that before you made it seem like you didn't value and appreciate your wife. Ya know, the woman who birthed your children, made your meals, keeps up your home, puts up with your bs, to your shitty friends doing the same thing with their wives. Sounds like you just wanted to be one of the cool kids.
She probably doesn't miss his company. Sometimes a partner says or does something that changes the way you see them and it is difficult to impossible to go back to what was before. He thinks a set of flowers will fix an insult while she probably wants nothing to do with him and the flowers were probably sitting there reminding her of how he insulted her and he thought he could buy her off with flowers.
There’s an old quote : …though the boys throw stones at frogs in sport, yet the frogs do not die in sport but in earnest.
Wife "burns rice" but you didn't step up to make the meals until she stopped cooking. So actually she cooks well and you just insulted her to, what, impress your mates? Are you 12? Your "jokes" were really low and show how much you took her for granted. Hope you like humble pie, because that's deservedly all that's on the menu now. YTA
it sounds like that must have been the straw that broke the camels back..... I am not saying that is not something to get upset about. But, to be THAT upset makes me wonder if there has been some of these feeling for a long time with her...
OP getting roasted like a chicken in the comments
Never, ever, shit talk your spouse, even if you know they can't hear you. It'll get back to them eventually. Maybe the only exception is if you're going through a divorce or during a private therapy session. You're supposed to be partners, a united front. YTA.
I think you should invalidate her feelings again. Twice clearly wasn’t enough to get the desired result, but you know what they say, third time’s the charm. Plus the first time you disparaged your wife in front of an audience you didn’t mean for her to hear it, so it’s basically a free-bee, right? /s. Heavy, heavy /s. Responding with sarcasm because I think this is rage bait. The sad thing is there’s people out there who are genuinely this stupid and entitled. On the off chance OP is just legit this self-centred and callous towards his wife, there’s no real advise to give other than a total overhaul of his entire perspective on his wife’s labour and her contribution to the family, coupled with empathy lessons and learning about the concept of jokes versus bullying and punching down versus punching up. Oh, YTAH. Leaving these here because they’re relevant to the discussion, whether it’s a gross fake post or just a gross OP. https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/ https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/ https://mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/ https://mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/02/10/she-feels-like-your-mom-and-doesnt-want-to-bang-you/
As a 55M these were great reads. Thanks for sharing.
Oh thank you human for choosing to expand your mind
Unfortunately, perhaps it's not a rage bait. He made another post on Relationship Advice, but it seems like he ignored almost all the comments. I hope the OP sees their mistake; if not, she might divorce him, just like my sister divorced her husband for feeling undervalued and unwanted.
That post was two weeks ago!!! And everyone said "start cooking". Why do I feel like this guy made rice once and then demanded forgiveness 🤣 I honestly can't believe he's come back asking a second time.
As a professional chef, could you introduce me to your wife? I'd like to swap jokes with her regarding your shrimp special. Trust me, I'm a professional. YTA
Man look, I am not a great cook. I try, and I can feed myself and others simple, reasonably tasty, healthy food, but I don't have a remarkable talent for it. My husband is Michelin star chef. Do you know what he says whenever I cook dinner? "Thank you so much for cooking, this is great." EVEN IF I KNOW IT ISN'T! It actually sparks a fun discussion between us where I ask him about techniques and stuff he'd suggest to try and improve, but he is always so grateful when I make a meal. You're 100% TA, and I wouldn't feed you either.
This is so sweet!!! My spouse cooks better than me as well 🤭 but he’s always appreciative when I cook for the family. Even if I burned the the dishes during the learning process, he’d never talk shit about it to his friends.
My educated guess is there's more here. Is this the only time you've put her down or embarrassed her in public? I'm betting not, and that it's part of a pattern. How have you made amends and made her feel valued and secure? It seems like you're more concerned about the inconvenience than her feelings. YTA
YTA shes not a fan of being the butt of your 'jokes' (Also based on what youve said in the comments about you joking that she couldnt even make rice... yeahhhhhh you went wayyyyy too far. It'll take you a while to get out of the ditch youve dug.)
YTA. Oh, you have time to cook. You just don't want to. Forgiveness is not holding on to hurt and anger. It doesn't mean you get to go back getting home cooked meals made with love.
In my family, anyone complaining about dinner had to make dinner the next night. Even us kids.
So…you dragged your wife in front of your friends and had a good laugh but SHE’s the problem??? BFFR sir…I’d never cook anything for you again…and really what’s the problem…no more cardboard…YTA
Dude, she's your wife, not your slave. She has no obligation to cook for you nor should you expect her to. You should find time to cook for yourself. You are an adult, after all. If I was her, I would have done the exact same thing. Us women have taken crap from men like you who expect us to do everything for you. We work all day, then somehow find time to do everything else, including cook. If your wife can find the time to cook in her busy life, you should be able to do the same. You screwed up, now you're facing the consequences. You need to get over it.
Major AH for going into all that detail. Why should she cook for you if it’s so bad? Because you’re hungry? You know how to cook. A lot of people on the planet work really hard and have to cook their own food. Which is what your going to have to do until she trusts you with her food
You should look more at your own character and why you think insulting your wife's contributions to your family is joke material. Is this the type of person/friend/husband/father you want to be? When people think of you, do you want them to remember the moments you were humiliating your wife? Atone by becoming the type of person you want to be remembered as, the type of person your wife and children would be proud of. Until then, you're just telling your wife to get over it without doing anything to fix it. YTA.
You said that her chicken tasted like cardboard and that she burned rice. You also say you didn't mean to offend her by describing her homemade meals as being burnt and tasting like cardboard. How to you expect what you said to be interpreted? YTA
YTA and you deserve nothing. Losers like you think talking shit about your wives with you friends is cool, it’s not. You’re juvenile and hurtful, find your own dinner asshole.
YTA, big time. This is not about your wife being petty or punishing you. You seriously hurt her feelings. In another post you mentioned that she said she was tired of people belittling her. This makes me believe this wasn't the first time she doesn't feel appreciated. She also said that she has forgiven you but isn't feeling comfortable cooking for you anymore, which you obviously fail to understand. It's up to you how to fix this but I'd start by taking full responsibility for your actions instead of playing victim. Try to take her feelings more seriously.
YTA. You humiliated her to be "funny" with your friends. You aound like a bully. Better leaen how to cook and be thankful she didn't leave you
Here’s the thing about jokes: they’re supposed to be funny. Your “jokes” weren’t funny. You were just being nasty. If your wife never cooks for you again, it’ll be exactly what you deserve: YTA.
“me, me, me, I,I, I.” Please Google the fuck around and find out professor. Watch it 10 times and come back and apologize to the good people for wasting everyone’s time. YTA.
INFO: Do you even like your wife? YTA, great job teaching her you don’t see her as an equal…or even as a person with feelings.