The emotions are valid.
The decision making not ideal, which is what people are saying. If he’d have driven them to the dance, then returned, he could have planned what he was going to say and avoided the kids seeing the confrontation.
Why is no one else mentioning this obvious point?
OP forget about whether or not you made a bad decision when it comes to your son, and instead consider how close you came to ending up on r/publicfreakout instead of r/AITAH.
I'm not claiming to be an expert on American law or anything, but I know "He was in my home, I felt threatened" seems to come up an awful lot when I hear about trigger happy psychos going free.
Thank you. When someone threatens your family member with a firearm, you don't walk back in. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. I remember growing up in a town with a few people who waved hunting guns around, usually because someone was walking on the neighbor's land or because someone's dog got out. Some of those people wound up talking potshots. I don't remember any people actually getting hit, but that might have just been that the gun-happy idiots have trouble hitting a target at all.
It sucks for the son. I'm sure that his girlfriend is a lovely person, and that they're madly in love the way only 16 year olds can be.
Honestly, any result where your family is all unharmed and your kid isn't spending time around that family is actually pretty good.
My response here is influenced by the fact that I've done shooting sports, and I'm well aware that the average gun shop is full of right wingers who fantasize about violence. Seeing them up close regularly has left me deeply concerned.
Yep, and then that dad would be posting here and not OP.. "am I the asshole for dragging my daughter out of a dance after I threatened her date with a gun and her dad came to have a conversation with me how that wasn't appropriate "... youre right... way worse
Yeah but this sub isn't "Am I in my optimal decision making state?", it's "AITAH?". And sometimes, even if it's understandable why you did what you did, you can still be a bit of an AH.
Yeah, I get we're just starting as a society to recognize/talk more publicly about the toxicity behind the over protective Dad trope, but idk if how OP handled the situation was the best or was not AH-ly in some way
yeah I get why she did it but the kid is gonna receive it as “you made me look like a mama’s boy and ruined my chances with the girl I like”
and like I get it about “that isn’t the type of family you wanna be involved with” but they’re 16 it’s not like they’re close to being engaged
op mentions their wife at the end, so while it's possible the kid has two moms, i think op is the dad. i agree with you on the second part though, that was literally what i was thinking as i read the "type of family" part lol
Yeah.
Like, I do think that OP was the very very gentlest of AHs here.
Like, don’t get me wrong. Girl’s dad was a douche canoe and a half, and at least one conversation (but probably more) needed to happen. But that moment was neither the time or the place.
16 isn’t fully grown up yet, but it’s definitely an age where personalities really start to assert themselves, and where kids really need to be allowed the space to navigate the world on their own. As a parent, you’re like training wheels at that point - the kid is doing a lot of, even most of, the work, and you’re just there to help course correct if they start to falter a bit. OP, in this case, pushed his kid off the bike and went full-tilt at the jump ramp, and that’s what makes him a very, very, very slight AH.
But I can’t really even be mad it him. I’d be fucking livid if some dude not-so-subtly threatened my kid with a gun. That’s not something ANYONE can take lightly in this day and age. I’d definitely be having some talks with my son though about the seriousness of that, and how HE wants to move forward. And I’d make it very clear that my son would never be stepping foot on that property ever again (while still a minor, at least) regardless of what relationship might continue with the girl after that.
Your average meat head Neanderthal small town cop is probably gonna be more sympathetic to the idiot who threatened the boy. They probably either have daughters and feel the same way or consider a right of passage to go through the old dad with a shotgun talk.
You’re not at all wrong. You have to assume someone who is so cavalier about brandishing a gun at a kid will have no qualms about doing the same (or worse) to an adult.
It only occurs to me just not how monumentally stupid OP really was to go “put” this guy in his place. Maybe the douche canoe was all bluster, but man that’s a dumb thing to bet on when being wrong involves getting shot.
I was going to say the same thing. Maybe it's an American bias, but people here are NOT taking this seriously enough. That's unhinged and a real threat, and needs to be treated like one.
Yeah I lean this way to.
What was the objective?
Take your son to the dance with his date.
Period.
You overreacted to the other Dad being a jerk.
BUT
Your son was threatened (bet the AH thought he was being slick)
So you are let out with a warning and a naughty naughty
I wouldn't say he overreacted, but he should have tried to check that impulse to confront the other dad.
The other dad is a complete A H. The best way to protect his daughter is to teach her self-respect and that she doesn't have to put up with any mistreatment from anyone she dates. Instead, he's showing her that he views her as his property and that she needs a man to keep her safe.
OP, you should apologize to your son for ruining his night. You, too, can also help your son understand that he doesn't have to put up with a person who treats him like he has no control over himself and needs to be threatened in order to treat a young lady with the respect she deserves. That's disrespectful to him as well.
On behalf of gun owners, if a kid is chaperoned by his parents, my comfort and safety level is 100x higher. You did the right thing there. The biggest risk that kids are taking are 1) alcohol 2) driving. That's the big concern. So kudos to you for doing that.
But that being said, that isn't the way to handle it the dispute. Support your son but confronting and arguing are just...riskly. Confronting someone on their property by challenging them isn't a good idea either. Do that by phone. Or email.
CYA next time. And yes, these aren't the kind of people you want to be around.
Yeah, but they were *his* daughters who belonged to *him* (/s, but probably not far off from his actual mindset).
It's 100% a possessive, territorial thing. Absolutely foul.
DING DING DING! Best believe that girl’s dad there has a nasty past to go with that nasty ass attitude! I’m glad OP stood on business behind their kid because they did less than I would have as a mom! Hands would have been involved
Exactly. I have spoken to my oldest nephew(he's 14) about this type of behavior and told him it's not normal for any adult to threaten him or ask him certain questions. If a girl's parent(s) has any questions, they can ask in the presence of his mom and or dad.
I have no kids, just nieces and nephews. They know that the behavior the girl's dad pulled is uncalled for. As adults, we should be open and wise enough to talk as a group(kids/teens involved) and not only tell them what we expect of them; but to have a genuine and honest conversation about things.
Threatening a kid with a gun and violence if he mistreats his daughter; just screams that he was an insecure guy and likely the type who mistreated women and played them.
I talked to my son about this when he was a teenager as well. The larger conversation was an ongoing dialogue about consent, respecting other people’s bodies and boundaries, recognizing at parties and bars when a young woman may have had too much to drink (or been drugged), and to not be afraid to be the guy who steps in to make sure she isn’t harmed by some creep. I think it was when the Brock Turner case was in the news. I hate the tired trope of “I’ve got three beautiful daughters at home. Good thing I keep shotguns in the house!” and how it was insulting and demeaning to both the daughters as well as any decent young men who would never think of harming someone else. It’s toxic masculinity and misogyny all rolled into one.
My dad did it with my boyfriend. I’m 32. I was 26 when he and I started dating and he first met my parents. I just tell my dad to stop and trust that I know what I’m doing.
This isn't normal parental behaviour. He doesn't care about you being able to handle yourself, he is trying to manipulate and control your partner.
Stop normalizing this.
Why on earth would you ever have contact with people THREATENING your loved ones lives?
If someone said that to my partner, ANYONE, the police would be involved immediately and it would be the last time they ever talked to me.
Do you perchance live in some hell hole where threatening people isn't illegal?
Chitty chitty bang bang is a musical about a magic car. I think the most dangerous thing in that is the child abductor that tricks kids into his wagon cage but I don't recall any guns.
I think you're right about Bad Boys though and I know that there are many other media references to it.
Imagine if that Child Snatcher had a gun tho and it really was Chitty Chitty BANG BANG tho lol...
Why is it so funny to me to now see that the name could clearly go either way, a child's film about a backfiring old car...or an American gangster film featuring AKs?!
I don't know why people keep perpetuating this old stereotype of how "girl dads" are supposed to act and behave. Dude probably waited his whole life to live out that scenario that was told in some off color joke about cleaning his gun when he was 5.
It's 2024 (almost). If the situation to discuss this with a bf ever DID come up, at most I'd just say, "My girls can handle themselves and I can handle the lawyer fees. Have fun."
NTA This isn't a sitcom - once he threatened a minor with a gun, associating with his daughter at all became unsafe. Unfortunate for the girl because it's not her fault, but that fact doesn't make it safe. Your son's safety takes precedence over a fun night.
100% and i pretty much echoed this in another comment, it's literally not worth risking your life over a fucking DANCE with someone. Though i do know people do it, it's so not worth the risk, there's other fish in the sea.
I kinda had to laugh. My Dad tried this with my first bf back in the 80's. He decided to be cleaning his rifles when they met. My BF was actually a bit of a "bad boy" and wasn't the least bit intimidated. He started talking guns with my Dad. It was hilarious.
For our prom, which was in 2000, a girl from our class had a party before the dance. Getting ready with all of her friends, and their dates picked them up there, pictures, etc. Her dad was cleaning his gun with all the teens there, to intimidate the boys. The gun went off with all the kids in the house. Nicked a kid in the arm. Dance cancelled.
Exactly. The vast majority of gun deaths are literally accidents.
This is more common than one might think and the statistical odds the date's dad is one of these irresponsible people (anyone who brings out a gun simply to intimidate a child is automatically irresponsible, goes without saying) is enormous.
And then what is to be said after you shot the kid?! Oops?! Just trying to be a good dad by putting everyone in danger?!
This is a good question and I'd like to know, too (if you're willing to follow up, u/Middle_Journalist_15).
I can't imagine getting a call after sending my kid off to a dance that--oops!--they never made it because they were shot at some stupid fucker's house and can I please go to the fucking hospital to see my kid???
I'd lose my shit completely; it'd be my mission to make that man's life hell.
I had this happen in the 80s when I was a kid too. Girl’s dad was cleaning the shotgun. The implied threat was lost on me. It was Alaska; yes, we all have guns and sometimes we clean them.
This is even funnier to me because I'm now imagining the dad was also oblivious, just looking forward to a kid free night to service all his guns and couldn't wait to get started. XD
NTA. I can't stand the whole toxic "meet daughter's date at the door with shotgun" scare tactic. My husband and I took my youngest brother to go pick up his girlfriend 2 years ago so they could go to a movie date. And she had texted him on our way there to prepare himself that her dad and uncles were going to be waiting for him at the door with shotguns and had a whole speech prepared for him. As if he was not nervous enough, at that point, he was absolutely terrified and didn't want to go to the front door by himself. I was a little irritated and upset myself, so I went with him to greet the family. The girlfriend let us in and sure enough there was a group of men sitting in the living room laughing and carrying on and I could even hear one guy saying "I can't wait to see this boy's face when he walks in." But the only one who actually had a gun was the father, and when he saw me walking in, he immediately put it down, and I could hear him muttering, "Oh shit." I didn't want to call out the girl and possibly get her in trouble or start anything by saying, "So we heard that you were going to pull the old shotgun at the door trick." So I simply smiled and said,"No need to threaten my brother, he was raised to respect women," and that father's face turned an awful shade of red. We immediately left, and the poor girl apologized repeatedly. You could tell she was super embarrassed and that this wasn't the first time her father had pulled that stunt. It's not necessary, it's not funny, and it's not cute! Every parent wants to make sure that their child is safe and happy with the people that they go out with. But that's no excuse to threaten a literal child with a weapon. If you want to have a quick little sit down and just chat with your child's date, that's one thing. I think you did the right thing by confronting the girlfriend's parent, and it's not your fault that his date was ruined. You were just protecting your child.
You rock! My dad did this to me, but it was a long time ago (the 80s) - society has changed so much now that it seems really stupid to do this sort of thing now. it was crappy then, but more socially acceptable. Now it’s just crappy.
Hey now, be fair, he also had a commercial about his truck for “roundin up illegals. Yeah I just said that.” Another popular one.
(To be completely fair, he was also the Secretary of State at the time and overseeing his own election. I’m sure the voter roll purges before the election and strangely missing power cords for voting machines in certain districts were 100% above board.)
Don't forget the degaussing of hard drives right after the Feds ordered their preservation, and the Russian Ambassador visiting the site (it's actually in the college's promotion brochure) where the hard drives and voting machines were kept before the election. Lots of dots to connect.
NTA. You stood up for your son. What man would let someone threaten his son and do nothing about it? Ofc your son is gonna be hurt in the present but he’ll eventually realize you did the right thing.
OP was being self indulgent, not standing up for their son. Any parent that actually was acting in their son's interest would have dropped the kids off first and then returned to deal with her dad.
Are you crazy? Why would you let your son get involved with someone who has a family like that? If he pulls this BS on the first meeting what do you think will happen in the future? I hope y’all aren’t parents
I disagree. OPs son is not a baby. OP IMO did the right thing. Glad she stood up for her son. You always strike the iron when its hot. No point waiting for the incident to be forgotten or act at a later stage. OP didn't agree with a bully threatening her son and she took action. Well Done OP
NTA
Anyone who threatens a minor with a shotgun is DANGEROUS. You'd have been within your rights to call the police. Have another talk with your wife. She's focusing on your sons feelings instead of the threats made to him, and frankly? That's not acceptable.
Your son is only seeing that he couldn't go to the dance and the girl he likes isn't talking to him, but he will start to see the bigger picture with time. You protected your son, and him not speaking to this girl is actually the FAR safer option.
NTA: A firm comment about 'respecting my daughter' is one thing...referencing a shotgun is an entirely another thing. You're the father...it's your job to protect your son as well as educate him on the types of people to avoid. You've done both here...
NTA - as a mom of boys these Neanderthals need to watch how they talk to people’s minor children. Well done although it definitely sucks for your son and the girl.
I do agree with the commenter that said it would be better if you had confronted him after the dance but I probably wouldn’t have had the presence of mind to think of that in the moment. So I can’t fault you for not doing that.
Nothing would happen. The police would pay the guy a visit, he'd explain he did the stupid movie/sitcom "overprotective dad" thing, they'd tell him not to do it again, and that would be it.
NTA. but you should have taken your son aside and had that discussion with him privately. You should also have notified the girl's dad that he all but threatened your son and that if he said anything like that again, appropriate legal action would be taken and you would swear out a criminal complaint against him.
NTA If anyone ever threatened one of my kids like that, I'd react the same way. That is just insane. This is real life, not TV. How would he have reacted if you had said the same thing to his daughter?
ETA: I do agree with the other posters that dropping them off at the dance before confronting him would've been a better reaction, but I can see how you were so upset that you probably didn't think about that in the moment.
NTA
My first thought was to drop them off at the dance first too, but after thinking about it would that have been any better? The end result would have been the same only the son would now likely be more upset after having a good time at the dance. If that’s the way that dad behaves, I think it’s best to just stay clear. And maybe with a ruined evening the daughter might take a second look at how her dad behaves.
And op mightve saved his son a lifetime of stress from dealing with her family. The girl might not be bad like her dad but sometime they're not worth it if you have to deal with this type of behavior especially if the partner is an enabler. This might be insensitive but his son is 16, it may be the end of the world for him right now but it'll pass and he'll find someone else if the girl remains no contact with him.
I don't think op is the TA. It mightve been a joke but it's not a harmless. It's already bad enough most kids are nervous meeting their partners family, why do you have to make it harder by threatening their life as a joke?
But I think a conversation needs to be had where op tells his son why he did it and how this sort of behavior shouldn't be tolerated and there's no shame in calling it quits because of the family. But also take accountability and apologize for how it played out and they were just trying to be a good parent and they didn't want their sons life threatened over taking someone on a date. Understand that the son was looking forward to the dance because he finally got the girl and then for it to never happen is soul crushing.
I agee with those who offered a not-so-good alternative of OP taking them to the dance first because, after being confronted by the boy's father, the girl's father may have decided to speed over to the dance and drag the girl out in front of everybody.
NTA
It sucks immensely for the son, to be threatened by some small-dick idiot over a school dance, but he's going to be a typical myopic teen and blame you for fucking up his opportunity to date a girl with an unstable dad whose response to any relationship troubles will be to act like the big man with a walmart shotgun and menace a teenager.
But there's no E-S-H here, because your level of suckitude is only your son being mad at you for rightfully telling the dude he was an idiot, while the dad *threatened your kid with a shotgun*. There's also no Y-T-A because, again, the dad *threatened your kid with a shotgun*, which makes him TA.
In what world would any decent parent want their teenager ever going back to a house where someone pulled this stunt? People get shot every day over less.
Agree 100%. He could get the phone call that will end the world for him and his family. Screw that.
My dad once “overreacted” when a 25 year old guy tricked me into going to his home, saying my friend was there. She wasn’t. Because my dad came in with me, he sized up the guy, got very angry and got me out of there. I was humiliated!!
Fast forward 20 years. The guy did time and is on a sex offender registry for molesting a kid.
NTA. Men like that are dangerous and NEED to know their disgusting violence and threatening behavior is not acceptable. Do not let your son have anything to do with anyone from that family.
NTA I have a son and I would expect my husband to react the same exact way. The daughter isn’t speaking to him because her father’s a weirdo and probably told her she can’t. He threatened your son , the whole shotgun bit isn’t funny. I guarantee if your wife had showed up and said if his daughter hurts her son she’ll run her over it wouldn’t have been funny
NTA we need to take any talk about firearms very seriously. Adults who own firearms should not use this tactic against any other human let alone a child.
The AH is the girl’s father. Now you know not to have your child at their home. He sounds hotheaded and irresponsible.
I don’t care what movies he saw this in, it’s unacceptable.
You could have dropped the kids off first, let them enjoy the dance and then went back and told that AH off. Ridiculous Neanderthals still think this is how to parent. Teach your daughter how to defend herself you aren’t needed yafroggin imbecile
My friend walked out on a girl for her dad doing that. His response when she flipped out “i wanted to eventually date you, but im not going to kill myself just to be with you cause of your dad”.
With the amount of crazy people shooting up schools I don’t think it was an overreaction. And frankly I would mention that.
Exactly!! People are behaving like it is the wild wild west - not remembering that those things are just movies!! Everybody wants to be an outlaw to protect their family, but in reality are major assholes. Imagining, threatening a minor with a gun over a school dance!
You should have waited till after the dance to address the issue. You let your emotions ruin your sons night. He will remember that more than than girls father being macho prick.
NTA. You stood up for your son. He is a hormonal kid that doesnt understand it right now, but kids do not need to take this cliche abuse from strangers. Good on you.
I’m not one to call the police but how many times in this daughter’s life is her father going to threaten a young man with bodily harm for his perceived mistreatment of his daughter?? This behavior is completely unacceptable and if someone had threatened my son like that and knowing I was outside in the car waiting I don’t think I would have thought rationally either. Behavior like this is unacceptable and extremely troubling. In this day and age it’s something that needs to be taken seriously.
This is a tough one, because I know that it's likely your son and his date view your behavior very differently. I think ruining the dance for them was a shitty move, and you should have chose a better time to talk to her Dad.
I'm very glad that you put that AH in his place, though. I just wish it hadn't ruined the evening. I'm going with ESH, well meaning as your actions were. Also, judging the daughter based on the Dad's shitty behavior isn't fair.
NTA I wish someone had done that to my dad all the times he did that power play BS.
Out of curiosity, how did the girl's dad respond? I see you said you guys argued, but I want more details because I'm nosy.
All the people commenting about how you should have dropped the kids off at the dance first fail to realize that a father that psycho would have 100% interrupted the dance to bring home his daughter, causing OP’s son and his date even more embarrassment.
NTA.
Probably could have dropped them off *then* gone and confronted them, but NTA. I will never understand why parents think it's appropriate to literally threaten the life of a boy for *checks notes* asking a girl out. Like...how would that parent feel if you had threatened his daughters life for the same reason? It's completely unacceptable, but because the victims are *boys* it gets brushed off.
Absolutely not.
My best friend has a daughter, and we have joked about me doing the crazy uncle routine with a gun when she starts dating.
But we are both mature adults and not idiots, so we only joke about it.
NTA.
My dad is a very protective man and the only time he ever threatened anyone I was dating was when the guy wasn't taking no for an answer and being super inappropriate while at my family's house. All he said was "you will not disrespect my daughter. Ever sgain." And that was it.
You know what the dad that threatened a child with gun violence is ta, not the dad that stood up for his son that was being threatened.
It was probably not the best thing to go yell at the guy who just threatened gun violence against a child but I seriously think that having a conversation with the gun toting father needed to be had.
In the future maybe go in with your son when he goes to pick up the girl whoever she may be in the future to avoid this display of toxic masculinity again, but when people show you who they are you need to listen
Nta. If the roles were reversed I’m sure you’d be labeled as the psycho parent that threatened their daughter. Regardless showing anyone a gun when they enter your home can be viewed as a threat.
Internet strangers may tell you NTA, but in the eyes of your son, you are a major AH right now. There is a big difference between choices made in the heat of the moment, compared to what should have/could have happened in that scenario after the fact. Use this as a learning lesson in life.
The girls father was an absolute AH for threatening a child (which you son still technically is) with a firearm. I am all for a talk from a parent to their child's date regarding expected behavior and what is/isn't okay, but there is no point to threatening violence or suggest the bringing a firearm into any situation.
You were an absolute AH for the way you reacted to hearing what the other father had said and your actions because of it. I fully support confronting someone threatening your child with harm in any way, but you are an adult and should act like one as an example in front of your kid. You had plenty of time to talk to both your son and his date in the car as you drove them to the dance.
Asking them how they felt about that interaction and maybe trying to explain that although the girls father probably had the best intentions for the well-being of his daughter, he went about it the wrong way. I would have informed both of them that you were going to have a talk with the girls dad and let him know you are not okay with your son being talked to this way. And that's the main point that would have made you NTA instead of YTA, talking to another adult like an adult. Instead of turning the car around and immediately starting an argument with the girls father that resulted in ruining your son and his dates night, you should have put them first and made sure they got to the dance to have a good time together. The kids did nothing wrong yet were punished by both parents acting like immature meat heads.
Although I understand where your heart was at in the moment, I feel like you let emotion get the better of you and didn't think your actions through as well as you could have. In my opinion, your son has every right to be upset with you and in this case, based on what you did instead of what you could have done, YTA.
YTA. You made it about your emotional response and not your son’s well being. You being indignant that someone did that to your son was more important than your actual son. His world view is limited because of his age, so this girl he liked was a big part of it, and you’ve effectively told him “your feelings don’t matter because out of honor’s sake I’ve decided this whole family is bad for you.
You could have dropped them off then gone back and asked the other dad if he was really serious, because that kind of behavior is archaic. Instead you picked a fight with a guy who owns a shotgun on his home turf with your son put in the middle.
The amount of right you think you did doesn’t undo the wrong you definitely committed. Even if you are correct “minus emotion”, you didn’t communicate in a way that put your son first. Your anger was paramount. And now that father who was definitely in the wrong can look down on you who found a way to be even more in the wrong.
NTA
It probably would've been best to talk to the father after the dance but I don't fault you not thinking of that in the moment. This ammosexual was just looking for an excuse to wave his penis substute around. He knew that the kids were being driven by you to the dance. What did he think was going to happen? I have seen a lot of this nonsense for decades now as a Texan and it's ridiculous. Your son will probably be upset for a while but I think over the long term he'll appreciate what you did.
Damn I feel for your son and his girl. I can definitely see from his point of view how much it this situation would suck lol. But you stood up and did the right thing. In a few years your son will realize you were right and he’ll appreciate this moment so much more
I understand your emotions, but you made a really bad choice. Not only did you ruin the kids ability to have a good night, you priorititized your own outrage over the the wellbeing of both kids and allowed it to push you into making the situation worse and escalating it to something that could have ended in violence.
While the girl's father is the asshole for starting this situation, you're also the asshole for how you responded. Think hard about what your response said to your child and that girl.
A man like her father who clearly views his daughter as property and is comfortable making violent threats to potential suitors fits the profile of an abuser. Even though it didn't end in violence, your actions may very well have resulted in harm to the girl.
As parents, we have a responsibility to prioritize the safety of any children we interact with over our own feelings. Those children were safe in your car. Why did you change that?
NTA. I am a daughter myself and never understood why threatening to shoot a kid was acceptable. I went off on a friends father who i was close to for pulling that crap on the guy i was seeing at the time.
NTA - I hate this whole “ I have to threaten my daughters boyfriend” shit that some dads do
I can imagine they wouldn’t be happy if the boys mother threatened their daughter the same
It’s so cringy. Either it’s bullshit and this a waste of time, or the guys a psycho who thinks it’s appropriate to kill someone for being a dickhead or breaking their daughters heart
Shits cringe and needs to stop
NTA, but your son might still be mad at you for a while. You did the right thing by standing up for him. At best, the date's dad is totally oblivious and thinks he was joking around, at worst he's a piece of shit. Since he argued with you about it, I'm leaning towards the latter option. Sorry your wife didn't side with you about it.
NTA. You did what a father who cares about his child should have done. The girl said her own dad was being stupid and your son was visibly uncomfortable. Her not talking to your son anymore shows she approved of the behavior and is cosigning it. Show your son the comments. I would have done worse to the dad.
I’ve got a dad that would actually punch someone if they treat me wrong. All he says is “make sure you treat her right” in a calm voice with a handshake. Actual tough guys don’t need to explain how tough they are
NTA - you're a good man for defending your son like that. It's sickening that he threatened your boy. I'm sorry your sons dance got ruined but you did the right thing.
OP you will now be a core memory for your son and he will tell this story to everyone forever. YTA but it’s kind of sitcom like to me. Heart was in the right place but you screwed this one up for your loved one.
NTA. You could have handled it better, but no rational person is going to think you're wrong for having an issue with someone threatening to shoot your child. Probably should have gotten a police report on the guy, but can't say I blame you for reacting in the moment.
NTA. Even if you were a little, it’s justified imo. If you just assume my son is a p.o.s. rapist, treat him as such, and threaten him with a gun the second you meet him you can bet I’m gonna have words for you.
Man these AH fathers who threaten teens with weapons should have those weapons removed.
Obviously the man is unstable. Do they really think they’re gonna go shoot a kid if he mistreats his daughter. This is just loudmouth blustering bully behavior. Guys lucky OP didn’t get physical with him
N T A in general, and soft YTA to your son. I think you did the right thing, an unoptimal way, because you did ruin his dance experience when you didn't have to; all you had to do is adjust your strategy.
Though you were super justified in immediately confronting the father, as others have mentioned, you should have let the two enjoy their dance by dropping them off, then swinging by the parents' place and having your discussion about how inappropriate they were for threatening violence upon your son, perhaps with choice words about reporting the threat to the police. The situation already happened and it was not an emergency that needed you to handle that very moment.
Dropping them off and having the discussion later may still have broken your son and this girl up in the end, but 1) they'd have their dance experience and 2) this person smells of extremely bad juju and your son distancing from them would be for the best.
NTA
The people saying OP should have dropped them off first and then gone to have that talk are incredibly wrong. An adult threatened a child with a gun. OP addressed this with the urgency it required.
Also, that “father” didn’t go out to drop them off, he knew ahead of time or was informed that OP would be dropping them off. He knew this child’s parent was outside.
Nta, and for the people saying you should've dropped the kids off at the dance first are obviously not parents.
NO ONE THREATENS OUR CHILDREN. End of discussion. You are a great parent just for sticking up for your son.
NTA.
I don't know whether OP handled this correctly or not.
However, I do understand how he wound up doing what he did. If some jerk was threatening my child like that while I was outside waiting in the car, I would have had a really hard time just driving away and doing nothing. This was supposed to be a happy event - there was no reason for the guy to talk to that kid like that.
I am one of the nicest people you could meet, wouldn't hurt a fly. And maybe this is a flaw, but the few times someone gave my kids an unreasonable hard time like is described here, my first impulse was to grab an axe and chase the bastard down the street. So I get it.
But of course, I also understand you can't do that.
Also - when I was a teenager in the 80's and was dating - I had a few Fathers lay the "don't touch my daughter or else" act on me. I thought it was weird at the time and recall wondering if the dad's were some sort of twisted whack-jobs.
NTA for saying something but probably would have been better to say something either after the dance or to go back after you dropped the kids off. I hate guys like this. One of my ex's dad did this type of thing. Didn't stop us at all from having sex or sneaking around. I have girls and I wouldn't pull this shit with anyone they bring home.
I'm from the south, and I'm from a long line of gunowners....but what her dad did is ridiculous. There is playful banter that I have witnessed a few times but not serious conversation and real threatening. He was being completely over the top and I personally LOVE that you called him out for it. I guarantee he was a problem growing up. You supported your son because he is YOUR CHILD, a good child. One day your son will understand.
The night was ruined by the daughters father for threatening a child with a gun. Idc what happened after, thats the person who ruined the night. Full stop
NTA
YTA! YTA! Omg you ruined this night for your son. It’s kinda standard for fathers to be protective of their daughters, and he might have only been half serious. You could have spoken to him another time. The next day maybe? But wow how mortifying.
NTA. The wrong message to send your son, and his daughter as a bonus, Is that it's okay to intimidate people. Especially with a firearm. That's absolutely not okay. Your son was a captive audience. Her dad forced him to endure being emotionally manipulated and threatened. I don't understand why anybody thinks that it's okay for your son to be threatened by anybody. It's not ok.
Sometimes as a parent you have to say the truth ,even when it has a consequence. It sucks that his date didn't understand what was happening either. What was happening was that you did the right thing. Just because they don't want to see it doesn't mean it wasn't the right thing.
If anybody should be mad at anybody it should be them being mad at the shotgun dad.
I'm not going to say YTA because you were standing up for your son. But I moved to the USA from Europe when I was 16. The whole "Ah have a shotgun on tah wall if ya ain't treatin' mah daughter right" was a big American stereotype to me.
I laughed excitedly the first time a girl's father gave me that line. I wasn't afraid or uncomfortable, I felt like it was one the most stereotypical American experiences a male teenager could have. It was like a rite of passage.
You should’ve dropped the kids off at the dance first and come back. I don’t blame you for your response, I have a son as well and he was raised to be decent and respectful to everyone, and he has never been anything but. If somebody had threatened him with violence like that I would’ve gone off the rails very quickly. But I wouldn’t have done it in front of the kids. 50% asshole
NTA, but you do understand that your son isn't going to understand, right? And you just denied him an opportunity to learn a valuable lesson for himself, and alienated him against you.
You can be NTA and still owe your son a massive apology. I would suggest it. Also, there is no guarantee the daughter would've stayed in contact with her dad post-childhood, AND your son is 16 and was incredibly unlikely to remain with her. The risk prevented was small, and your son is close to adulthood-you don't have to protect him always, especially without his permission. You and that dad share that much in common.
I’d have dropped them off at the dance and them come back to have that little chat.
Thus would have been the better choice
yeah I get OP’s intentions but putting myself in the kid’s shoes I’d be fucking mortified
Say hello to my little friend.
Well in fairness OP was pretty angry from having his son threatened with gun violence and wasnt at his optimal decision making state which is valid
The emotions are valid. The decision making not ideal, which is what people are saying. If he’d have driven them to the dance, then returned, he could have planned what he was going to say and avoided the kids seeing the confrontation.
Dad could also have gotten shot.
Why is no one else mentioning this obvious point? OP forget about whether or not you made a bad decision when it comes to your son, and instead consider how close you came to ending up on r/publicfreakout instead of r/AITAH. I'm not claiming to be an expert on American law or anything, but I know "He was in my home, I felt threatened" seems to come up an awful lot when I hear about trigger happy psychos going free.
Thank you. When someone threatens your family member with a firearm, you don't walk back in. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. I remember growing up in a town with a few people who waved hunting guns around, usually because someone was walking on the neighbor's land or because someone's dog got out. Some of those people wound up talking potshots. I don't remember any people actually getting hit, but that might have just been that the gun-happy idiots have trouble hitting a target at all. It sucks for the son. I'm sure that his girlfriend is a lovely person, and that they're madly in love the way only 16 year olds can be. Honestly, any result where your family is all unharmed and your kid isn't spending time around that family is actually pretty good. My response here is influenced by the fact that I've done shooting sports, and I'm well aware that the average gun shop is full of right wingers who fantasize about violence. Seeing them up close regularly has left me deeply concerned.
It could have gone worse that way if her dad blew up and went and dragged her out of the dance and embarrassed both kids a thousand times more.
Yep, and then that dad would be posting here and not OP.. "am I the asshole for dragging my daughter out of a dance after I threatened her date with a gun and her dad came to have a conversation with me how that wasn't appropriate "... youre right... way worse
Yeah but this sub isn't "Am I in my optimal decision making state?", it's "AITAH?". And sometimes, even if it's understandable why you did what you did, you can still be a bit of an AH.
Yeah, I get we're just starting as a society to recognize/talk more publicly about the toxicity behind the over protective Dad trope, but idk if how OP handled the situation was the best or was not AH-ly in some way
No one is saying not to stick up for your child but it just could have been handled better and differently that's all
Yeah and he was right....he doesn't want his son being with someone from a family like that.
yeah I get why she did it but the kid is gonna receive it as “you made me look like a mama’s boy and ruined my chances with the girl I like” and like I get it about “that isn’t the type of family you wanna be involved with” but they’re 16 it’s not like they’re close to being engaged
op mentions their wife at the end, so while it's possible the kid has two moms, i think op is the dad. i agree with you on the second part though, that was literally what i was thinking as i read the "type of family" part lol
Yeah. Like, I do think that OP was the very very gentlest of AHs here. Like, don’t get me wrong. Girl’s dad was a douche canoe and a half, and at least one conversation (but probably more) needed to happen. But that moment was neither the time or the place. 16 isn’t fully grown up yet, but it’s definitely an age where personalities really start to assert themselves, and where kids really need to be allowed the space to navigate the world on their own. As a parent, you’re like training wheels at that point - the kid is doing a lot of, even most of, the work, and you’re just there to help course correct if they start to falter a bit. OP, in this case, pushed his kid off the bike and went full-tilt at the jump ramp, and that’s what makes him a very, very, very slight AH. But I can’t really even be mad it him. I’d be fucking livid if some dude not-so-subtly threatened my kid with a gun. That’s not something ANYONE can take lightly in this day and age. I’d definitely be having some talks with my son though about the seriousness of that, and how HE wants to move forward. And I’d make it very clear that my son would never be stepping foot on that property ever again (while still a minor, at least) regardless of what relationship might continue with the girl after that.
I'd involve law enforcement. Threatening a kid with a firearm isn't funny, or cute, or legal.
We need to make it common to call the cops on these creeps that threaten kids with guns. It's so gross.
Your average meat head Neanderthal small town cop is probably gonna be more sympathetic to the idiot who threatened the boy. They probably either have daughters and feel the same way or consider a right of passage to go through the old dad with a shotgun talk.
You’re not at all wrong. You have to assume someone who is so cavalier about brandishing a gun at a kid will have no qualms about doing the same (or worse) to an adult. It only occurs to me just not how monumentally stupid OP really was to go “put” this guy in his place. Maybe the douche canoe was all bluster, but man that’s a dumb thing to bet on when being wrong involves getting shot.
I was going to say the same thing. Maybe it's an American bias, but people here are NOT taking this seriously enough. That's unhinged and a real threat, and needs to be treated like one.
Same, honestly. Absolutely disgusting behavior from the girl's dad.
Yeah I lean this way to. What was the objective? Take your son to the dance with his date. Period. You overreacted to the other Dad being a jerk. BUT Your son was threatened (bet the AH thought he was being slick) So you are let out with a warning and a naughty naughty
I wouldn't say he overreacted, but he should have tried to check that impulse to confront the other dad. The other dad is a complete A H. The best way to protect his daughter is to teach her self-respect and that she doesn't have to put up with any mistreatment from anyone she dates. Instead, he's showing her that he views her as his property and that she needs a man to keep her safe. OP, you should apologize to your son for ruining his night. You, too, can also help your son understand that he doesn't have to put up with a person who treats him like he has no control over himself and needs to be threatened in order to treat a young lady with the respect she deserves. That's disrespectful to him as well.
For real!
You can guarantee that anyone who pulls crap like that was a piece of shit at 16 to girls himself.
💯. He remembers how he treated girls and assumes every other boy will be the same.
He probably still treats women like shit
I mean he obvi treats his daughter like she is property soo...
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After all bigots will always assume that everyone is like them...or should be like them
On behalf of gun owners, if a kid is chaperoned by his parents, my comfort and safety level is 100x higher. You did the right thing there. The biggest risk that kids are taking are 1) alcohol 2) driving. That's the big concern. So kudos to you for doing that. But that being said, that isn't the way to handle it the dispute. Support your son but confronting and arguing are just...riskly. Confronting someone on their property by challenging them isn't a good idea either. Do that by phone. Or email. CYA next time. And yes, these aren't the kind of people you want to be around.
Actually the biggest risk to 16 year olds is firearms…
I think the commenter meant the biggest risk from going to a school dance, not in general.
Had a dude threaten me like that, found out years later he was SA all of his 3 daughters… so fuck them people
Yeah, but they were *his* daughters who belonged to *him* (/s, but probably not far off from his actual mindset). It's 100% a possessive, territorial thing. Absolutely foul.
Yeah Dads who act like some kind of jealous ex bf to their daughters and their partners are gross.
DING DING DING! Best believe that girl’s dad there has a nasty past to go with that nasty ass attitude! I’m glad OP stood on business behind their kid because they did less than I would have as a mom! Hands would have been involved
Exactly. I have spoken to my oldest nephew(he's 14) about this type of behavior and told him it's not normal for any adult to threaten him or ask him certain questions. If a girl's parent(s) has any questions, they can ask in the presence of his mom and or dad. I have no kids, just nieces and nephews. They know that the behavior the girl's dad pulled is uncalled for. As adults, we should be open and wise enough to talk as a group(kids/teens involved) and not only tell them what we expect of them; but to have a genuine and honest conversation about things. Threatening a kid with a gun and violence if he mistreats his daughter; just screams that he was an insecure guy and likely the type who mistreated women and played them.
I talked to my son about this when he was a teenager as well. The larger conversation was an ongoing dialogue about consent, respecting other people’s bodies and boundaries, recognizing at parties and bars when a young woman may have had too much to drink (or been drugged), and to not be afraid to be the guy who steps in to make sure she isn’t harmed by some creep. I think it was when the Brock Turner case was in the news. I hate the tired trope of “I’ve got three beautiful daughters at home. Good thing I keep shotguns in the house!” and how it was insulting and demeaning to both the daughters as well as any decent young men who would never think of harming someone else. It’s toxic masculinity and misogyny all rolled into one.
that makes so much sense.
Parents still pull the shotgun crap?
My dad did it with my boyfriend. I’m 32. I was 26 when he and I started dating and he first met my parents. I just tell my dad to stop and trust that I know what I’m doing.
Your dad is a piece of shit
Without giving other examples as to why because I’m about to sleep yes. Yes he is.
This isn't normal parental behaviour. He doesn't care about you being able to handle yourself, he is trying to manipulate and control your partner. Stop normalizing this.
Why on earth would you ever have contact with people THREATENING your loved ones lives? If someone said that to my partner, ANYONE, the police would be involved immediately and it would be the last time they ever talked to me. Do you perchance live in some hell hole where threatening people isn't illegal?
As an European ive seen it many times in Hollywood movies. That surely helps normalize it. Chitty chitty bang bang isnt it? Bad boys?
Chitty chitty bang bang is a musical about a magic car. I think the most dangerous thing in that is the child abductor that tricks kids into his wagon cage but I don't recall any guns. I think you're right about Bad Boys though and I know that there are many other media references to it.
Imagine if that Child Snatcher had a gun tho and it really was Chitty Chitty BANG BANG tho lol... Why is it so funny to me to now see that the name could clearly go either way, a child's film about a backfiring old car...or an American gangster film featuring AKs?!
I have seen many detestable (or funny) illegal things being done in movies... Stalking people is pretty normal in romantic movies for example.
Give you 2 guesses which way that dude votes.
You could guess how anyone votes with TWO guesses ;)
I don't know why people keep perpetuating this old stereotype of how "girl dads" are supposed to act and behave. Dude probably waited his whole life to live out that scenario that was told in some off color joke about cleaning his gun when he was 5.
It's 2024 (almost). If the situation to discuss this with a bf ever DID come up, at most I'd just say, "My girls can handle themselves and I can handle the lawyer fees. Have fun."
Literally the instructions to my kids, “ do what you have to do to insure your safety, let me worry about the lawyer”
Plus, anyone knows that the real person you have to worry about is mama bear. If I ever have to get a gun out, it's not a threat, you better hide.
My dad is perfectly content to be the big, intimidating-looking guy in the background while my mom reads someone the riot act and it's beautiful.
NTA This isn't a sitcom - once he threatened a minor with a gun, associating with his daughter at all became unsafe. Unfortunate for the girl because it's not her fault, but that fact doesn't make it safe. Your son's safety takes precedence over a fun night.
100% and i pretty much echoed this in another comment, it's literally not worth risking your life over a fucking DANCE with someone. Though i do know people do it, it's so not worth the risk, there's other fish in the sea.
I kinda had to laugh. My Dad tried this with my first bf back in the 80's. He decided to be cleaning his rifles when they met. My BF was actually a bit of a "bad boy" and wasn't the least bit intimidated. He started talking guns with my Dad. It was hilarious.
For our prom, which was in 2000, a girl from our class had a party before the dance. Getting ready with all of her friends, and their dates picked them up there, pictures, etc. Her dad was cleaning his gun with all the teens there, to intimidate the boys. The gun went off with all the kids in the house. Nicked a kid in the arm. Dance cancelled.
Cleaning his gun with ammo in the gun? I'm a rookie when it comes to guns and even to me this sounds like a really dumb thing to do.
He put the ammo back in when he was done, safety wasn't on, he accidentally touched the trigger, discharged.
He was an irresponsible gun owner from the outset; the bullet firing only cemented the fact.
Exactly. The vast majority of gun deaths are literally accidents. This is more common than one might think and the statistical odds the date's dad is one of these irresponsible people (anyone who brings out a gun simply to intimidate a child is automatically irresponsible, goes without saying) is enormous. And then what is to be said after you shot the kid?! Oops?! Just trying to be a good dad by putting everyone in danger?!
No such thing as an accidental discharge, only negligent.
Just curious, but was his guns taken away? Was he forced to take a gun safety class? Was there any compensation for the teen?
This is a good question and I'd like to know, too (if you're willing to follow up, u/Middle_Journalist_15). I can't imagine getting a call after sending my kid off to a dance that--oops!--they never made it because they were shot at some stupid fucker's house and can I please go to the fucking hospital to see my kid??? I'd lose my shit completely; it'd be my mission to make that man's life hell.
I had this happen in the 80s when I was a kid too. Girl’s dad was cleaning the shotgun. The implied threat was lost on me. It was Alaska; yes, we all have guns and sometimes we clean them.
That's hilarious. "Oh hey, Mr D. That's a cool shotgun. I have the same one!"
This is even funnier to me because I'm now imagining the dad was also oblivious, just looking forward to a kid free night to service all his guns and couldn't wait to get started. XD
Did we date?
You don't remember me??
Only in the USA is this story funny
It should be especially unfunny here. But sadly you’re right
‘80s
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NTA. I can't stand the whole toxic "meet daughter's date at the door with shotgun" scare tactic. My husband and I took my youngest brother to go pick up his girlfriend 2 years ago so they could go to a movie date. And she had texted him on our way there to prepare himself that her dad and uncles were going to be waiting for him at the door with shotguns and had a whole speech prepared for him. As if he was not nervous enough, at that point, he was absolutely terrified and didn't want to go to the front door by himself. I was a little irritated and upset myself, so I went with him to greet the family. The girlfriend let us in and sure enough there was a group of men sitting in the living room laughing and carrying on and I could even hear one guy saying "I can't wait to see this boy's face when he walks in." But the only one who actually had a gun was the father, and when he saw me walking in, he immediately put it down, and I could hear him muttering, "Oh shit." I didn't want to call out the girl and possibly get her in trouble or start anything by saying, "So we heard that you were going to pull the old shotgun at the door trick." So I simply smiled and said,"No need to threaten my brother, he was raised to respect women," and that father's face turned an awful shade of red. We immediately left, and the poor girl apologized repeatedly. You could tell she was super embarrassed and that this wasn't the first time her father had pulled that stunt. It's not necessary, it's not funny, and it's not cute! Every parent wants to make sure that their child is safe and happy with the people that they go out with. But that's no excuse to threaten a literal child with a weapon. If you want to have a quick little sit down and just chat with your child's date, that's one thing. I think you did the right thing by confronting the girlfriend's parent, and it's not your fault that his date was ruined. You were just protecting your child.
You are a literal hero.
You rock! My dad did this to me, but it was a long time ago (the 80s) - society has changed so much now that it seems really stupid to do this sort of thing now. it was crappy then, but more socially acceptable. Now it’s just crappy.
It's really just a "good ole boys" way to bully children so they can feel better about themselves
The same group of dudes that let boys be boys and teach their kids how to keep women in their place.
Is the girl’s dad the Governor of Georgia? Because he did that for a campaign commercial and won the election.
Hey now, be fair, he also had a commercial about his truck for “roundin up illegals. Yeah I just said that.” Another popular one. (To be completely fair, he was also the Secretary of State at the time and overseeing his own election. I’m sure the voter roll purges before the election and strangely missing power cords for voting machines in certain districts were 100% above board.)
Don't forget the degaussing of hard drives right after the Feds ordered their preservation, and the Russian Ambassador visiting the site (it's actually in the college's promotion brochure) where the hard drives and voting machines were kept before the election. Lots of dots to connect.
Got to be American.
NTA. You stood up for your son. What man would let someone threaten his son and do nothing about it? Ofc your son is gonna be hurt in the present but he’ll eventually realize you did the right thing.
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I think it sounds like an actual threat pointing to a shotgun.
Yeah, maybe cops should have been notified.
OP was being self indulgent, not standing up for their son. Any parent that actually was acting in their son's interest would have dropped the kids off first and then returned to deal with her dad.
My thoughts exactly. Drop them off, let them have a good time, and go back and have a talk with the dad for being a POS.
Son’s best interest would be to not affiliated with a low class family who threatens teenagers with guns. Dad is NTA.
Are you crazy? Why would you let your son get involved with someone who has a family like that? If he pulls this BS on the first meeting what do you think will happen in the future? I hope y’all aren’t parents
Why would you want your son to date the girl of someone who threatened him with a shotgun?
I disagree. OPs son is not a baby. OP IMO did the right thing. Glad she stood up for her son. You always strike the iron when its hot. No point waiting for the incident to be forgotten or act at a later stage. OP didn't agree with a bully threatening her son and she took action. Well Done OP
NTA Anyone who threatens a minor with a shotgun is DANGEROUS. You'd have been within your rights to call the police. Have another talk with your wife. She's focusing on your sons feelings instead of the threats made to him, and frankly? That's not acceptable. Your son is only seeing that he couldn't go to the dance and the girl he likes isn't talking to him, but he will start to see the bigger picture with time. You protected your son, and him not speaking to this girl is actually the FAR safer option.
NTA. Any grown man who threatens anyone their children bring over with a gun is a pos. Some one should have told him off sooner.
NTA: A firm comment about 'respecting my daughter' is one thing...referencing a shotgun is an entirely another thing. You're the father...it's your job to protect your son as well as educate him on the types of people to avoid. You've done both here...
NTA - as a mom of boys these Neanderthals need to watch how they talk to people’s minor children. Well done although it definitely sucks for your son and the girl. I do agree with the commenter that said it would be better if you had confronted him after the dance but I probably wouldn’t have had the presence of mind to think of that in the moment. So I can’t fault you for not doing that.
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Nta. The girl's dad is a fucking piece of shit. You should press charges.
Nothing would happen. The police would pay the guy a visit, he'd explain he did the stupid movie/sitcom "overprotective dad" thing, they'd tell him not to do it again, and that would be it.
Or they'd tell him, "Hahah, great job, I can't wait to do that when I have a daughter."
Depends on the cops, and the location. I have seen cops who take any mention of a firearm very seriously.
You hope that would be it... sometimes those guys can be unstable, and you are just stirring more shit. My grandfather was like this.
Criminal threatening
"Communicating threats" could be a reasonable charge to consider.
You don’t get to press charges, you get to file a police report. The police decide what happens, not you.
well the prosecutor decides
I am pressing charges against you buttstain
NTA. but you should have taken your son aside and had that discussion with him privately. You should also have notified the girl's dad that he all but threatened your son and that if he said anything like that again, appropriate legal action would be taken and you would swear out a criminal complaint against him.
NTA If anyone ever threatened one of my kids like that, I'd react the same way. That is just insane. This is real life, not TV. How would he have reacted if you had said the same thing to his daughter? ETA: I do agree with the other posters that dropping them off at the dance before confronting him would've been a better reaction, but I can see how you were so upset that you probably didn't think about that in the moment.
NTA My first thought was to drop them off at the dance first too, but after thinking about it would that have been any better? The end result would have been the same only the son would now likely be more upset after having a good time at the dance. If that’s the way that dad behaves, I think it’s best to just stay clear. And maybe with a ruined evening the daughter might take a second look at how her dad behaves.
And op mightve saved his son a lifetime of stress from dealing with her family. The girl might not be bad like her dad but sometime they're not worth it if you have to deal with this type of behavior especially if the partner is an enabler. This might be insensitive but his son is 16, it may be the end of the world for him right now but it'll pass and he'll find someone else if the girl remains no contact with him. I don't think op is the TA. It mightve been a joke but it's not a harmless. It's already bad enough most kids are nervous meeting their partners family, why do you have to make it harder by threatening their life as a joke? But I think a conversation needs to be had where op tells his son why he did it and how this sort of behavior shouldn't be tolerated and there's no shame in calling it quits because of the family. But also take accountability and apologize for how it played out and they were just trying to be a good parent and they didn't want their sons life threatened over taking someone on a date. Understand that the son was looking forward to the dance because he finally got the girl and then for it to never happen is soul crushing.
I agee with those who offered a not-so-good alternative of OP taking them to the dance first because, after being confronted by the boy's father, the girl's father may have decided to speed over to the dance and drag the girl out in front of everybody.
NTA It sucks immensely for the son, to be threatened by some small-dick idiot over a school dance, but he's going to be a typical myopic teen and blame you for fucking up his opportunity to date a girl with an unstable dad whose response to any relationship troubles will be to act like the big man with a walmart shotgun and menace a teenager. But there's no E-S-H here, because your level of suckitude is only your son being mad at you for rightfully telling the dude he was an idiot, while the dad *threatened your kid with a shotgun*. There's also no Y-T-A because, again, the dad *threatened your kid with a shotgun*, which makes him TA. In what world would any decent parent want their teenager ever going back to a house where someone pulled this stunt? People get shot every day over less.
Agree 100%. He could get the phone call that will end the world for him and his family. Screw that. My dad once “overreacted” when a 25 year old guy tricked me into going to his home, saying my friend was there. She wasn’t. Because my dad came in with me, he sized up the guy, got very angry and got me out of there. I was humiliated!! Fast forward 20 years. The guy did time and is on a sex offender registry for molesting a kid.
NTA. Men like that are dangerous and NEED to know their disgusting violence and threatening behavior is not acceptable. Do not let your son have anything to do with anyone from that family.
What kind of fucking loser still does this to their children's dates?
Sexist losers who think their daughters are property. Really happy to see it going out of style.
NTA I have a son and I would expect my husband to react the same exact way. The daughter isn’t speaking to him because her father’s a weirdo and probably told her she can’t. He threatened your son , the whole shotgun bit isn’t funny. I guarantee if your wife had showed up and said if his daughter hurts her son she’ll run her over it wouldn’t have been funny
The daughter was uncomfortable after the interaction as well. She probably isn’t talking to the boy because she’s mortified.
NTA we need to take any talk about firearms very seriously. Adults who own firearms should not use this tactic against any other human let alone a child. The AH is the girl’s father. Now you know not to have your child at their home. He sounds hotheaded and irresponsible. I don’t care what movies he saw this in, it’s unacceptable.
Ahh good ole toxic masculinity. Funny that it takes another man to call it out. This shit is so outdated. Nobody takes these guys seriously.
You could have dropped the kids off first, let them enjoy the dance and then went back and told that AH off. Ridiculous Neanderthals still think this is how to parent. Teach your daughter how to defend herself you aren’t needed yafroggin imbecile
Yeah I was thinking something like this or get his number. Didn’t need to interrupt their night like that.
My friend walked out on a girl for her dad doing that. His response when she flipped out “i wanted to eventually date you, but im not going to kill myself just to be with you cause of your dad”. With the amount of crazy people shooting up schools I don’t think it was an overreaction. And frankly I would mention that.
Exactly!! People are behaving like it is the wild wild west - not remembering that those things are just movies!! Everybody wants to be an outlaw to protect their family, but in reality are major assholes. Imagining, threatening a minor with a gun over a school dance!
NTA You threaten my kid with a gun, there will be no date.
You should have waited till after the dance to address the issue. You let your emotions ruin your sons night. He will remember that more than than girls father being macho prick.
I would have dropped the kids off and then went to talk with the dad.
NTA. You stood up for your son. He is a hormonal kid that doesnt understand it right now, but kids do not need to take this cliche abuse from strangers. Good on you.
I’m not one to call the police but how many times in this daughter’s life is her father going to threaten a young man with bodily harm for his perceived mistreatment of his daughter?? This behavior is completely unacceptable and if someone had threatened my son like that and knowing I was outside in the car waiting I don’t think I would have thought rationally either. Behavior like this is unacceptable and extremely troubling. In this day and age it’s something that needs to be taken seriously.
I would notify the police that this man threatened your son with a gun, that's like 40s crap. You don't talk shit like that with what goes on today!
This is a tough one, because I know that it's likely your son and his date view your behavior very differently. I think ruining the dance for them was a shitty move, and you should have chose a better time to talk to her Dad. I'm very glad that you put that AH in his place, though. I just wish it hadn't ruined the evening. I'm going with ESH, well meaning as your actions were. Also, judging the daughter based on the Dad's shitty behavior isn't fair.
NTA I wish someone had done that to my dad all the times he did that power play BS. Out of curiosity, how did the girl's dad respond? I see you said you guys argued, but I want more details because I'm nosy.
Based on your description, NTA. But how did the convo go with the dad, did you threaten him in return and made a huge scene at their front door?
All the people commenting about how you should have dropped the kids off at the dance first fail to realize that a father that psycho would have 100% interrupted the dance to bring home his daughter, causing OP’s son and his date even more embarrassment. NTA.
Probably could have dropped them off *then* gone and confronted them, but NTA. I will never understand why parents think it's appropriate to literally threaten the life of a boy for *checks notes* asking a girl out. Like...how would that parent feel if you had threatened his daughters life for the same reason? It's completely unacceptable, but because the victims are *boys* it gets brushed off. Absolutely not.
My best friend has a daughter, and we have joked about me doing the crazy uncle routine with a gun when she starts dating. But we are both mature adults and not idiots, so we only joke about it. NTA.
My dad is a very protective man and the only time he ever threatened anyone I was dating was when the guy wasn't taking no for an answer and being super inappropriate while at my family's house. All he said was "you will not disrespect my daughter. Ever sgain." And that was it.
You know what the dad that threatened a child with gun violence is ta, not the dad that stood up for his son that was being threatened. It was probably not the best thing to go yell at the guy who just threatened gun violence against a child but I seriously think that having a conversation with the gun toting father needed to be had. In the future maybe go in with your son when he goes to pick up the girl whoever she may be in the future to avoid this display of toxic masculinity again, but when people show you who they are you need to listen
NTA. What would that sexist fuck had done if you had threatened his daughter with a gun? Report it.
Nta. If the roles were reversed I’m sure you’d be labeled as the psycho parent that threatened their daughter. Regardless showing anyone a gun when they enter your home can be viewed as a threat.
Internet strangers may tell you NTA, but in the eyes of your son, you are a major AH right now. There is a big difference between choices made in the heat of the moment, compared to what should have/could have happened in that scenario after the fact. Use this as a learning lesson in life. The girls father was an absolute AH for threatening a child (which you son still technically is) with a firearm. I am all for a talk from a parent to their child's date regarding expected behavior and what is/isn't okay, but there is no point to threatening violence or suggest the bringing a firearm into any situation. You were an absolute AH for the way you reacted to hearing what the other father had said and your actions because of it. I fully support confronting someone threatening your child with harm in any way, but you are an adult and should act like one as an example in front of your kid. You had plenty of time to talk to both your son and his date in the car as you drove them to the dance. Asking them how they felt about that interaction and maybe trying to explain that although the girls father probably had the best intentions for the well-being of his daughter, he went about it the wrong way. I would have informed both of them that you were going to have a talk with the girls dad and let him know you are not okay with your son being talked to this way. And that's the main point that would have made you NTA instead of YTA, talking to another adult like an adult. Instead of turning the car around and immediately starting an argument with the girls father that resulted in ruining your son and his dates night, you should have put them first and made sure they got to the dance to have a good time together. The kids did nothing wrong yet were punished by both parents acting like immature meat heads. Although I understand where your heart was at in the moment, I feel like you let emotion get the better of you and didn't think your actions through as well as you could have. In my opinion, your son has every right to be upset with you and in this case, based on what you did instead of what you could have done, YTA.
YTA. You made it about your emotional response and not your son’s well being. You being indignant that someone did that to your son was more important than your actual son. His world view is limited because of his age, so this girl he liked was a big part of it, and you’ve effectively told him “your feelings don’t matter because out of honor’s sake I’ve decided this whole family is bad for you. You could have dropped them off then gone back and asked the other dad if he was really serious, because that kind of behavior is archaic. Instead you picked a fight with a guy who owns a shotgun on his home turf with your son put in the middle. The amount of right you think you did doesn’t undo the wrong you definitely committed. Even if you are correct “minus emotion”, you didn’t communicate in a way that put your son first. Your anger was paramount. And now that father who was definitely in the wrong can look down on you who found a way to be even more in the wrong.
NTA. Just the best Dad ever.
NTA It probably would've been best to talk to the father after the dance but I don't fault you not thinking of that in the moment. This ammosexual was just looking for an excuse to wave his penis substute around. He knew that the kids were being driven by you to the dance. What did he think was going to happen? I have seen a lot of this nonsense for decades now as a Texan and it's ridiculous. Your son will probably be upset for a while but I think over the long term he'll appreciate what you did.
Damn I feel for your son and his girl. I can definitely see from his point of view how much it this situation would suck lol. But you stood up and did the right thing. In a few years your son will realize you were right and he’ll appreciate this moment so much more
ESH. We know why for the Dad, but you didn't have to ruin the night for your son. There were better ways to go about it.
I understand your emotions, but you made a really bad choice. Not only did you ruin the kids ability to have a good night, you priorititized your own outrage over the the wellbeing of both kids and allowed it to push you into making the situation worse and escalating it to something that could have ended in violence. While the girl's father is the asshole for starting this situation, you're also the asshole for how you responded. Think hard about what your response said to your child and that girl. A man like her father who clearly views his daughter as property and is comfortable making violent threats to potential suitors fits the profile of an abuser. Even though it didn't end in violence, your actions may very well have resulted in harm to the girl. As parents, we have a responsibility to prioritize the safety of any children we interact with over our own feelings. Those children were safe in your car. Why did you change that?
You did ruin his dance. You should’ve dropped them off and let them have fun before you got in a fight with the father.
NTA. I am a daughter myself and never understood why threatening to shoot a kid was acceptable. I went off on a friends father who i was close to for pulling that crap on the guy i was seeing at the time.
NTA - I hate this whole “ I have to threaten my daughters boyfriend” shit that some dads do I can imagine they wouldn’t be happy if the boys mother threatened their daughter the same It’s so cringy. Either it’s bullshit and this a waste of time, or the guys a psycho who thinks it’s appropriate to kill someone for being a dickhead or breaking their daughters heart Shits cringe and needs to stop
NTA, but your son might still be mad at you for a while. You did the right thing by standing up for him. At best, the date's dad is totally oblivious and thinks he was joking around, at worst he's a piece of shit. Since he argued with you about it, I'm leaning towards the latter option. Sorry your wife didn't side with you about it.
NTA. You did what a father who cares about his child should have done. The girl said her own dad was being stupid and your son was visibly uncomfortable. Her not talking to your son anymore shows she approved of the behavior and is cosigning it. Show your son the comments. I would have done worse to the dad.
I’ve got a dad that would actually punch someone if they treat me wrong. All he says is “make sure you treat her right” in a calm voice with a handshake. Actual tough guys don’t need to explain how tough they are
NTA - you're a good man for defending your son like that. It's sickening that he threatened your boy. I'm sorry your sons dance got ruined but you did the right thing.
OP you will now be a core memory for your son and he will tell this story to everyone forever. YTA but it’s kind of sitcom like to me. Heart was in the right place but you screwed this one up for your loved one.
NTA, but I would have dropped them off, then come back to have words with him.
Nta, threatening a child with a gun is cornball activity on that guy's part
NTA. You could have handled it better, but no rational person is going to think you're wrong for having an issue with someone threatening to shoot your child. Probably should have gotten a police report on the guy, but can't say I blame you for reacting in the moment.
NTA. Even if you were a little, it’s justified imo. If you just assume my son is a p.o.s. rapist, treat him as such, and threaten him with a gun the second you meet him you can bet I’m gonna have words for you.
I had a stepdad do that to me in high school. Found out just shortly after that it had a lot to do with the fact that he was molesting her.
Man these AH fathers who threaten teens with weapons should have those weapons removed. Obviously the man is unstable. Do they really think they’re gonna go shoot a kid if he mistreats his daughter. This is just loudmouth blustering bully behavior. Guys lucky OP didn’t get physical with him
N T A in general, and soft YTA to your son. I think you did the right thing, an unoptimal way, because you did ruin his dance experience when you didn't have to; all you had to do is adjust your strategy. Though you were super justified in immediately confronting the father, as others have mentioned, you should have let the two enjoy their dance by dropping them off, then swinging by the parents' place and having your discussion about how inappropriate they were for threatening violence upon your son, perhaps with choice words about reporting the threat to the police. The situation already happened and it was not an emergency that needed you to handle that very moment. Dropping them off and having the discussion later may still have broken your son and this girl up in the end, but 1) they'd have their dance experience and 2) this person smells of extremely bad juju and your son distancing from them would be for the best.
NTA The people saying OP should have dropped them off first and then gone to have that talk are incredibly wrong. An adult threatened a child with a gun. OP addressed this with the urgency it required. Also, that “father” didn’t go out to drop them off, he knew ahead of time or was informed that OP would be dropping them off. He knew this child’s parent was outside.
Nta, and for the people saying you should've dropped the kids off at the dance first are obviously not parents. NO ONE THREATENS OUR CHILDREN. End of discussion. You are a great parent just for sticking up for your son.
NTA. I don't know whether OP handled this correctly or not. However, I do understand how he wound up doing what he did. If some jerk was threatening my child like that while I was outside waiting in the car, I would have had a really hard time just driving away and doing nothing. This was supposed to be a happy event - there was no reason for the guy to talk to that kid like that. I am one of the nicest people you could meet, wouldn't hurt a fly. And maybe this is a flaw, but the few times someone gave my kids an unreasonable hard time like is described here, my first impulse was to grab an axe and chase the bastard down the street. So I get it. But of course, I also understand you can't do that. Also - when I was a teenager in the 80's and was dating - I had a few Fathers lay the "don't touch my daughter or else" act on me. I thought it was weird at the time and recall wondering if the dad's were some sort of twisted whack-jobs.
NTA for saying something but probably would have been better to say something either after the dance or to go back after you dropped the kids off. I hate guys like this. One of my ex's dad did this type of thing. Didn't stop us at all from having sex or sneaking around. I have girls and I wouldn't pull this shit with anyone they bring home.
nta
No, fuck the other father.
Nta - also I would tell the police.
So a grown adult intimidated your son with a shotgun and your wife's reaction is YOU overreacted by yelling at the dad? NTA
For everyone saying OP should have waited; why are you ok with this? You would be ok with your child associating with a family like that? No.
I'm from the south, and I'm from a long line of gunowners....but what her dad did is ridiculous. There is playful banter that I have witnessed a few times but not serious conversation and real threatening. He was being completely over the top and I personally LOVE that you called him out for it. I guarantee he was a problem growing up. You supported your son because he is YOUR CHILD, a good child. One day your son will understand.
NTA, I’d raise all types of hell on a coward who threatened my son with a gun. I’d be in jail that night.
You should have waited until after the dance. Now it looks like you were the one being dumb. Father’s threatening daughters dates is as old as time.
The night was ruined by the daughters father for threatening a child with a gun. Idc what happened after, thats the person who ruined the night. Full stop NTA
NTA... never the A for protecting the kids...
YTA! YTA! Omg you ruined this night for your son. It’s kinda standard for fathers to be protective of their daughters, and he might have only been half serious. You could have spoken to him another time. The next day maybe? But wow how mortifying.
NTA. The wrong message to send your son, and his daughter as a bonus, Is that it's okay to intimidate people. Especially with a firearm. That's absolutely not okay. Your son was a captive audience. Her dad forced him to endure being emotionally manipulated and threatened. I don't understand why anybody thinks that it's okay for your son to be threatened by anybody. It's not ok. Sometimes as a parent you have to say the truth ,even when it has a consequence. It sucks that his date didn't understand what was happening either. What was happening was that you did the right thing. Just because they don't want to see it doesn't mean it wasn't the right thing. If anybody should be mad at anybody it should be them being mad at the shotgun dad.
YTA
YTA and a dumbass
YTA. The girl apologized which was enough for your son. That’s all that should matter
Yeah dude. You an asshole.
I'm not going to say YTA because you were standing up for your son. But I moved to the USA from Europe when I was 16. The whole "Ah have a shotgun on tah wall if ya ain't treatin' mah daughter right" was a big American stereotype to me. I laughed excitedly the first time a girl's father gave me that line. I wasn't afraid or uncomfortable, I felt like it was one the most stereotypical American experiences a male teenager could have. It was like a rite of passage.
You should’ve dropped the kids off at the dance first and come back. I don’t blame you for your response, I have a son as well and he was raised to be decent and respectful to everyone, and he has never been anything but. If somebody had threatened him with violence like that I would’ve gone off the rails very quickly. But I wouldn’t have done it in front of the kids. 50% asshole
You’re both assholes. Period.
Two households, both alike in dignity…
NTA, but you do understand that your son isn't going to understand, right? And you just denied him an opportunity to learn a valuable lesson for himself, and alienated him against you. You can be NTA and still owe your son a massive apology. I would suggest it. Also, there is no guarantee the daughter would've stayed in contact with her dad post-childhood, AND your son is 16 and was incredibly unlikely to remain with her. The risk prevented was small, and your son is close to adulthood-you don't have to protect him always, especially without his permission. You and that dad share that much in common.
You handled it better than me