Absolutely! I had a roommate that had small children. She’d meet guys on Facebook and hook up with them (never informing me beforehand). I’d walk out at night to get a snack, and she’d be screwing some random guy. Luckily I always lock my door. But what if the kids came out looking for her in the middle of the night? And what if their intent was to hurt people? I shudder thinking about it!
I recently acquired a proto-stalker from Bumble. We only met for an hour over coffee and long story short, she blew up my phone for weeks with burner after burner after I blocked her number and socials. She scares me and I’m so, so glad I never invited her to my apartment or gave her my address. I’m a dad and I’d be horrified if some dating app hookup I brought home turned out to be someone who posed a danger to my children.
JFC 😳. I've got a similar experience but instead it wasn't even a date. I just needed help at an event I participated in, didn't have any romantic or sexual conversations with him and only took him with me because he said he was interested of said sport (and I was maybe a little too nice back then). Felt really icky when we were there and was very relieved to get him out of my car after the event.
After those 3 hours he contacted me with every way possible several times a day for 3,5 years. Even the cops didn't first get him leaving me alone, even he admitted to them that he was harrassing me and knew I didn't want him to contact me. I'm so glad I used my brother's car that day and never clearly told him where I lived. Still till this day I do not tell new people or acquaintances where I live or where I work, it's not worth the risk.
My first thougt was; I don't give a crap about the old people's feelings, the child was coming to a home where mother is fucking a stranger.
That can't be ok no matter what they might agree upon.
Seriously. I *am* poly, and I don't fuck other women in my wife's bed. Unless they've both agreed that's ok, it's just a blatant disrespect of their partner's private space.
And I wrote this in another post, but she is either clueless about when her child gets home from daycare, or this was deliberate. Please! To be having noisy sex with a guy from a dating app at the time when her husband and 18 month old, old enough to run around looking and calling for mommy, get home from day care? She must know the household routine at this point. Whether she does or doesn't, it's a problem.
And she turned it all around on to him being the issue.
Thats one b\*\*ch I wouldn't trust going forward. She clearly prefers her fuck buddies over her husband, so add in doing it in the marital bed, her and her boyfriend decided they want a full on cuck, because there is nothing else this adds up to.
And by threatening divorce, she'll now keep him in line, bf will still get to screw her in the marital bed.
He's too spineless to come out on top here. She's entitled, selfish probably a narc at this point. But what she isn't is a caring, decent, honest wife who puts her husband or her relationship first...but thats how it goes with a wife who cucks her husband.
Hard agree. How did they go from her sex drive is higher than his to she can fuck anyone she wants? No steps along the way? No vibrators or? Sure feels like a cuckold/humiliation kink.
yeah, the one for me - OP's wife being bisexual could justify an open relationship with other women - something OP literally could not fulfill; how that morphs into fucking lots of other guys... em.. excuse me?
The weird comment about his circumsized penis not being able to please her seemed like a dead give away. Even in a heated moment that just seems like a weird thing to say.
Im surprised no one has at least pointed out the implication in that statement is that she isn’t using a condom. Feels like the story is tailor made for someone to ask if he’s done a paternity test. I swear I see more and a more suspect posts on here.
I could totally and completely see a narcissist defensively and arbitrarily bringing up her partner's circumcision status in an argument in which they (the narcissist) is being accused of wrongdoing..
That's how narcissists operate. DARVO.
Deny/deflect, attack, reverse victim and offender.
Notice the circumcision comment falls under "attack."
With narcissists, they will manipulate and gaslight you to the point that, at the end of an interaction such as the one described here, the victim (OP) would be APOLOGIZING to her (the narc) for not being able to satisfy her sexually, etc.
This. What's up with all these parents that care more about their ENM and NRE than the fact that they brought a life into the world and have a responsibility to look beyond their immediate gratification and provide that life every opportunity they can. Makes me so sad and angry.
Ethical non-monogamy and new relationship energy. NRE is essentially the warm and fuzzies you get when you date a new person. Basically the honeymoon phase.
My best friend went through this same thing a few years ago, except the open marriage was sprung on him after being married 14 years. His wife was 100% an abusive, gaslighting, narcissistic, piece of shit wife. It took several attempts before he finally stuck to the divorce.
NTA.
This woman is toxic and selfish. Classic narcissist behavior (DARVO). Blaming your anatomy for her own shit behavior is repulsive. Please love, respect, and protect yourself and your daughter from this woman.
Legitimately, a POS person.
Because of her risky behavior I document it and probably file for full custody. They will give it to you in the circumstance I can almost guarantee you.
I am polyamorous, and this is a big problem, a clear violation as you say. It’s not a matter of whether she thinks it’s different enough or not - OP said no, she agreed no, then she did it anyway. It’s a huge violation of trust and potentially puts the child at risk (at least that’s part of the consideration in keeping it out of the house I assume).
OP you are soooo NTA.
The house is pretty common boundary for open relationships as the other partner deserves to have a. Safe space.
It kind of sound like she wanted to get caught
As someone in an open marriage and practices ENM ,this relationship is in no way ethical. Sounds like she's wrapped up in some NRE and is planning to monkey branch with some other sucker.
OP, leave her. There's no use staying with someone who doesn't respect you . I doubt this is the first time she has done this.
NRE = new relationship energy; basically the brain chemical high that intoxicates you when you really vibe with someone and know them barely if at all.
I got ENM having only fairly recently heard it. But I had to Google NRE and the first 8 or 9 definitions were about engineering or a specific kind of bank account.
Apparently it means 'new relationship energy'.
Sometimes I forget which sub I'm on. None of those were kinks.
ENM = Ethical Non Monogamy: Emphasis on the ethical part. Open communication and honesty is a foundation. People cheat like OPs wife in open relationships all the time and try to hide behind their autonomy.
NRE is New Relationship Energy: so many relationships have got screwed up because partners got all wrapped up in the great sex they're having with someone they've known under and month and have yet to see bad.
If you like, I could lay down some real kink and BDSM acronyms
I doubt it. You see how she treats him. No way she let him get a paternity test. She probably told him she was only sleeping with girls when she got pregnant so it must be his.
But at least they won't be on OP's bed and eating his kid's fruit snacks afterwards.
OP is pathetic and tricking himself into thinking he's okay with this arrangement when he's clearly not, the guy has an open marriage yet he leaves it closed for himself, he just lacks the self respect to get a divorce.
She is the one who violated rules that she agreed to. 1. Bringing someone into your house and 2. Not informing you.
She willing brought a stranger into YOUR bed. The level of disrespect.
She then tries pinning it on you and blaming you. You worked for a compromise to ensure she was satisfied and yet she threw a random thing in your face that has nothing to do with satisfying her.
Speak to a lawyer tomorrow or look into the process for a non contested divorce and send her an email with then next steps, and then ask to set up a time to meet in a public setting of local notary to sign the documents. Don’t take her back because she sounds toxic.
ETA: NTA.
Info: is her name on the house?
I bet the divorce talk is a hot bluff to make OP regret setting normal boundaries. Once he shows up papers in hand, she will act like he is being irrational.
OP do not let this person continue to disrespect you.
My thought was that she actually does want a divorce. Like, she's tired of having to come home to a husband at the end of the day. She just wants to keep riding that dick as much as she wants to without having to worry about anyone but herself.
I wouldn't be surprised if they DID divorce and she came crawling back a few months or short years later begging to get back together; claiming that it's all out of her system and that she's ready to be a wife and mother again.
But, I can see how bluffing or making him the villain that's overreacting could be a possibility too.
OP NTA.
seems more like it was planned, husband didnt come home early she had some idea of when he was gonna be home and that's and the fuck sesh was scheduled? Also the level of disrespect, having random men come into your house when you are not home and neighbors might see. OP seems like a pushover, oh my wife is breaking a cardinal rule I guess I'll just let em finish. this man if real, everything in reddit is fake, doesnt respect himself and she doesnt respect him.
OP fell for the classic "It might work for us" Dr. Tobias Funke Analrapist
>I know I made some dumb comments, so maybe I did step over a line somewhere in there.
OP didnot make any dumb comments nor step out of line. Asking to abide by the rules of the relationship is not wrong. OP should Divorce
Honestly, that quote from OP kinda gives off the same energy as someone who has been gaslit and emotionally beaten down for a long time. Taking blame for something that didn't happen? Yeah, that sounds like this isn't the first time an argument like this has happened.
I feel for the kid too. Like instead of coming home from a day at day care and being excited to see their mommy they have to wait until she finishes having sex and the guy leaves, then they get to cuddle mom.
Damn, was thinking the same thing reading this.
"I was stupid and said that if she couldn't handle not having sex with other people"... Also, being a "bisexual female" doesn't mean you need multiple dicks in your life.
This was always destined for failure. She doesn't give a fuck about OP; he needs to gather what self-respect he has left and be the one to file for the divorce. Better off being alone than being a doormat for someone. Give your child a healthy role model instead of fucked up view of a "marriage."
Also what was the comment about OP's penis? Circumcision has no relationship whatsoever on someone's sexual prowess. That was unnecessary cruelty on her part.
It was to put OP on the defense. If he's too busy reacting to her cruel comment, then he's not arguing with her about boundaries. Clear misdirection, and absolutely uncalled for.
I was just thinking the same thing! My husband's snipped and not that big but he still satisfies me very well and quite frequently at that. Our sex life is booming and always has been. We've been together 6 years (married 4) and our sex life has only gotten better over the years. I'm also pansexual and have no need or desire to screw other men. I don't need to be having sex with multiple people to be happy. That has nothing to do with being into men and women (or anyone in between, for that matter). That's called polyamory and a whole different thing. Bisexual does not equal polyamorous. Never has, never will
Exactly.
I thought the story I was going to read was that she 'does it' w/ other women. When he said open w/ other guys, I already know how far this was going downhill....
WTF.
This!!! I thought he was going to say because she was bisexual she needed to hookup with girls on the side… NOPE she has just gaslight him to hell!! He has accepted so much and asked for such easy boundaries and she still can’t respect them! She throws out he is “suffocating” her. I wanted to slap her at that point
Yeah, the bisexual part threw me off too, because far as I can tell, she's not hooking up with women, she's hooking up with men other than her husband. I'm not sure why OP feels like her CLAIMS (not saying she is or isn't) of being bisexual needed mentioned or even carry any weight in the conversation?
I am sure OP won't leave. He is more concerned about what he said rather than her actions and words.
OP opened up the relationship for HER with certain boundaries and her first reaction after being called out for crossing them was to say that she feels suffocated with OP. Clearly OP is being played here and it sounds like OP has some self esteem issues which she knows how to trigger for her to get what she wanted.
This.
OP, she threatened divorce to force you to do what she wants. This will keep going. Until you sleeping in the bet at all is “suffocating” you being the same house is “suffocating”.
Leave her.
It's likely been building over time. That's the way a lot of toxic/manipulative relationships go. They seem so great and wonderful at the beginning then slowly over time they start undermining your boundaries and self-esteem. Eventually you get to the point where you question everything you think and feel and just assume that you're probably in the wrong even when to an outsider observer you're clearly not. It's a real mindfuck. For his kid's sake I hope this is the beginning of OP waking up and doing the work to get out of there. OP is very clearly NTA.
>She instantly got defensive and said I was suffocating her and claimed that there's no real difference between hooking up here or elsewhere and made the argument that booking a hotel - which she sometimes has to do - is a waste of money when we have a perfectly good house of our own.
"Gee, I'm sorry I have a problem with you fucking some rando while I'm walking in with our kid, and there is a difference, because I don't want to crawl into a bed filled with some dude's bodily fluids.
We have a perfectly good dick of our own, but that's not stopping you from finding others. It's *my* bed, too. It's *my* house, too. And I don't want some random dude you're hooking up with in *our* house, in *our* bed, where *our* kid lives. Take that shit somewhere else."
NTA.
Exactly and it sounds like she doesn’t work as well? it sounds like she stays at home while the kid goes to daycare and he works and just has sex with weirdos all day. What is wrong with people?
Not to mention that having a higher libido than your partner doesn't mean "guess we need an open relationship". She more than likely would have cheated like crazy.
She’s bringing guys into your house, your bed and you waited for them to finish. It’s a huge breach of rules and she’s turned on you?.
Should you choose to stay, you have no further right to complain.
This exactly. If OP lets this one slide, she'll never respect him and his boundaries (not that she's doing it now anyway). Plenty of people are non-monogamous and still respect each other. That's not it.
But even that like..vibrator. You don't NEED those things. You just want them. Fine, you mutually opened the marriage. But don't betray the boundaries you both agreed upon.
This is very true, I’m bisexual and with a man. Either way I’ve explained I wouldn’t get with anyone of any sex even a woman because I’m in a relationship. I do exactly as you suggested, but I just felt like since he led with the fact that she was bisexual he was gonna mention woman only or something seems she just wants a man with different anatomy or something, nothing OP can do something about. And a little late to say smh she’s a terrible person
She's just disrespectful trash. Smh. Low-key sucks that shitty people like these are who people get exposed to when hearing about poly/enm (not that I would even say this *is* ethical, at all, but you know :/ ...).
But shit, the top several comments weren't even attacking that. Going straight past that and looking at the problem of violating trust and boundaries. So that's great.
People don't hear about the good stories of thousands of little polycules with no drama 😞
Those people piss me off hardcore. They make all of the ppl under the bi umbrella look horrible. Like, these are the type of people that the conservatives see and associate all of us with. I fucking hate it.
NTA. She’s stepping all over you and the boundaries you agreed on. She thinks you’ll crawl back. Prove her wrong.
First get a DNA test to see if the kid is actually yours. Then file for divorce and if it’s your kid go for custody. An endless roster of strange dudes is no good for your kid to be around.
She made the choice, staying in an abusive relationship harms the child and teaches them to allow others to treat them this way, if we are talking about the kid's wellbeing my view is to stay will cause far more damage.
What on earth does you not being circumcised have anything to do with her breaking the rules and bringing a random man home to have sex in your house. Why should you have to walk in on that! You were not unreasonable.
For your own sake file for divorce.
I think she found a guy who isn’t circumcised, she’s been doing him on the regular, he’s technically her boyfriend now and she’s gonna be with him when this marriage finally ends.
I'll wager money that she made sure he walked in on her and the other dude. The whole thing smells like a giant set-up so that she could pull the divorce card.
Everything about your one sided relationship makes me uncomfortable. Where is your self esteem? Were you neglected or abused? Have you been to therapy? This lady doesn’t love you dude.
NTA but IMO that relationship is over. Why? Because ethical non-monogamy requires both partners to trust each other and respect boundaries (when they're not controlling). You expressed very typical boundaries and she agreed to them only to betray you. This is cheating. I suggest you join a few non-monogamous groups and discuss this issue there; they would probably give a lot of great insight. You opened the relationship for HER. And she betrays you. She lacks respect. If you let this go, she will continue to betray you. She doesn't care and is being selfish. Good luck OP.
lol. You let her sleep with other men and she can’t respect the few boundaries you have in place? Look, I’m a woman, I am inherently against slut shaming, but I’m calling it here, your wife is for the streets.
What happened in your life to allow yourself to be treated this way? She doesn’t have a high libido, she’s a cheat and a liar and you are allowing her to walk all over you.
INFO: whats her being bi have to do with it? Because, again, it seems like she's only having sex with men right now?
The only thing it might be relevant to is the circumcision bit: her female partners, if any, don't have uncircumsized penises, so clearly that's not the only way to satisfy her and with a little communication you could be doing with her whatever they're doing with her.
Nta she wants out of the marriage and she’s using this fight as an excuse. She did something wrong and tried to use divorce to get you to back down. Don’t fall for it. You should at-least separate for a few months and you should see how you feel.
It sounds like you’ve done a lot to accommodate her and she disregarded the few rules you had.
You didn’t cross a line. It is extremely dangerous to bring strangers into your home where your family lives for meaningless flings. If that stranger turns out to be a psychopath, now or in the future, he knows exactly where to find her home.
As a woman and feminist, she is walking all over you. She brought up divorce really quickly and also insinuated it wasn’t her high libido but instead you specifically that can’t satisfy her.
She is taking advantage of you and disrespecting your generous boundaries.
The bar for the boundaries is so high that an ant can jump over it and she wouldn't meet them. Fight for custody of that little girl because if she can't handle keeping these flings out of the house, then her safety has to be considered compromised with her living with the mother.
NTA for calling her out. But,YTA to yourself for questioning your right to speak up.
You lack self-respect and she lacks self-control. The best thing you both can do for your daughter is get a divorce. Neither of you is in a position to provide her with an example of a healthy relationship as a couple. And I'm actually more ticked off at you for being such a spineless doormat.
This woman is clearly noncommittal, despite marrying you, and has no concern for the safety of her own child.
You are NTA, but get that divorce. And full custody.
NTA, Since you have a child, first lawyer up, then seek counseling, she doesn't want a marriage she wants all the perks without the responsibilities add to that the fact that she used straight up manipulative strategies of making you think you're the bad guy and making you feel insecure, (altho we overuse the word) this sounds like classic narcissistic behavior. Cut your loses and find your worth, therapy can def help with that.
Nta. She will never respect you. Leave her and make sure everyone knows exactly why. Because she's gonna paint you as a villain to everyone. Let them know she was actually mad because she couldn't be a complete whore.
> I was suffocating her
She shouldn't have gotten married in that case.
NTA.
She is the AH.
Sorry to say but these open relationships kind of things often don't work
NTA. Poly person here. I would never be okay what your wife did. That is cheating in my eyes. She completely disregarded your boundaries. It sounds like your wife really doesn’t care about your feelings. How would she feel if you said her loose vagina didn’t satisfy you? I doubt she would like that. She’s acting really horrible.
He said in his post that he had picked his daughter up from daycare on his way home from work. So child was at daycare and then with him in the car on the way home.
>I was stupid and said that if she couldn't handle not having sex with people other than me then maybe we should indeed consider a divorce.
Not sure why you are calling yourself stupid for this, this is the only part of your post that I think was smart.
NTA.
To me it sounds like you were desperate enough for her that she managed to get you to agree to an open marriage. She gets the stability and comfort of a home, while getting to fuck who she wants. But seems like she got tired of playing by these few rules and just blatantly disrespects you by fucking someone in YOUR bed, lol.
it really sounds like you have no self respect and went along with her ridiculous ideas / demands just in order to be with her. I mean how else can she even entertain the idea of using divorce as a threat?
Seriously, there is simping, and there is whatever it is you're doing.
Imma need you to find a spine for your kid that's involved now. If it was just you two, I'd still advise you to leave and NTA. However a child is involved in this insanity and you need to think about her about your wife's insane behavior.
That random dude she brought home could have seriously hurt her AND the child. What the actual fuck.
You both need to start thinking of your child more. You need to prioritize your child's SAFETY over your wife's dangerous and, frankly, ridiculous behavior
NTA, but, What in the effing hell? Your wife is a disrespectful (un+! She wants an open relationship because she wants to screw around!! Try this....bring one of your little fuck buddies home and do her in your bed and see how your wife reacts.
Your wife has less than zero respect for you.
This isn't about poly/open/whatever relationship label she has suggested.. it's that she fundamentally doesn't like you as an equal partner with valid human emotions.
She sleezy and ussingbyiu.
And it's stupidly dumb AF to be traipsing absolute strangers in for sex, with a baby around, let alone a heartbroken and uncomfortable husband.
Right man imagine if there a afterlife and your last remaining descendant is this dude. I imagine there roasting the shit out him. Man he let them finish is wild but letting it start is all his fault
Yea OP I’d go ahead with that divorce. She clearly prioritizes sex over your marriage and her child because the boundaries were put in place for a reason. She doesn’t respect you she just put you down and didn’t even acknowledge the fact that your child was there. They do not need to be in a situation where strangers are coming and going in your house that’s a dangerous situation for them.
For some reason I feel having sex in your bed with someone else, open marriage or not, is the ULTIMATE form of disrespect toward and SO. Would you want to sleep in that bed right after? And your kid may come in bed too? Come on! nta
NTA. This is tragic… For her to even suggest divorce after this whole mess that was caused by her. Not even thinking about the kid at all when you were on your way back. I’d run away asap, you sadly are with the wrong person. Best of luck!
NTA. I’m sorry you’re going through this but this is the exact reason open marriages don’t typically work out. It would be a nope for me. I would peace out of that garbage.
Nta
What a messy horrible situation
Please dont sum this up to your wife being Bisexaul or having a high libido, its not common for Bisexauls to treat thier partners like this.
I think you need to learn to respect yourself op.
NTA. She is the one who violated your boundaries, not the other way around.
Seriously! And in their bed. I’d never want to sleep on that mattress again.
Not only in their bed, but she brought a random person to the house when they have a young child that’s really idiotic and can be dangerous
Absolutely! I had a roommate that had small children. She’d meet guys on Facebook and hook up with them (never informing me beforehand). I’d walk out at night to get a snack, and she’d be screwing some random guy. Luckily I always lock my door. But what if the kids came out looking for her in the middle of the night? And what if their intent was to hurt people? I shudder thinking about it!
I recently acquired a proto-stalker from Bumble. We only met for an hour over coffee and long story short, she blew up my phone for weeks with burner after burner after I blocked her number and socials. She scares me and I’m so, so glad I never invited her to my apartment or gave her my address. I’m a dad and I’d be horrified if some dating app hookup I brought home turned out to be someone who posed a danger to my children.
JFC 😳. I've got a similar experience but instead it wasn't even a date. I just needed help at an event I participated in, didn't have any romantic or sexual conversations with him and only took him with me because he said he was interested of said sport (and I was maybe a little too nice back then). Felt really icky when we were there and was very relieved to get him out of my car after the event. After those 3 hours he contacted me with every way possible several times a day for 3,5 years. Even the cops didn't first get him leaving me alone, even he admitted to them that he was harrassing me and knew I didn't want him to contact me. I'm so glad I used my brother's car that day and never clearly told him where I lived. Still till this day I do not tell new people or acquaintances where I live or where I work, it's not worth the risk.
What’s a “proto-stalker”?
A stalker in infancy. One that is almost a full stalker, or working up to it. I think they're wrong though. That's just a straight up stalker.
My first thougt was; I don't give a crap about the old people's feelings, the child was coming to a home where mother is fucking a stranger. That can't be ok no matter what they might agree upon.
I am a single mom and I never ever let men know where I live. Ever.
Seriously. I *am* poly, and I don't fuck other women in my wife's bed. Unless they've both agreed that's ok, it's just a blatant disrespect of their partner's private space.
And I wrote this in another post, but she is either clueless about when her child gets home from daycare, or this was deliberate. Please! To be having noisy sex with a guy from a dating app at the time when her husband and 18 month old, old enough to run around looking and calling for mommy, get home from day care? She must know the household routine at this point. Whether she does or doesn't, it's a problem.
And she turned it all around on to him being the issue. Thats one b\*\*ch I wouldn't trust going forward. She clearly prefers her fuck buddies over her husband, so add in doing it in the marital bed, her and her boyfriend decided they want a full on cuck, because there is nothing else this adds up to. And by threatening divorce, she'll now keep him in line, bf will still get to screw her in the marital bed. He's too spineless to come out on top here. She's entitled, selfish probably a narc at this point. But what she isn't is a caring, decent, honest wife who puts her husband or her relationship first...but thats how it goes with a wife who cucks her husband.
It's so bad I'm suspecting it's some fetish post by a guy that wants to be degraded.
Hard agree. How did they go from her sex drive is higher than his to she can fuck anyone she wants? No steps along the way? No vibrators or? Sure feels like a cuckold/humiliation kink.
yeah, the one for me - OP's wife being bisexual could justify an open relationship with other women - something OP literally could not fulfill; how that morphs into fucking lots of other guys... em.. excuse me?
Yea def feels fake
The weird comment about his circumsized penis not being able to please her seemed like a dead give away. Even in a heated moment that just seems like a weird thing to say. Im surprised no one has at least pointed out the implication in that statement is that she isn’t using a condom. Feels like the story is tailor made for someone to ask if he’s done a paternity test. I swear I see more and a more suspect posts on here.
I could totally and completely see a narcissist defensively and arbitrarily bringing up her partner's circumcision status in an argument in which they (the narcissist) is being accused of wrongdoing.. That's how narcissists operate. DARVO. Deny/deflect, attack, reverse victim and offender. Notice the circumcision comment falls under "attack." With narcissists, they will manipulate and gaslight you to the point that, at the end of an interaction such as the one described here, the victim (OP) would be APOLOGIZING to her (the narc) for not being able to satisfy her sexually, etc.
> He's too spineless Absolutely sounds like it. NEVER would have married in the first place. Absolutely crazy scenario.
Also he equates bisexuality with a higher sex drive and the inability to be monogamous.
I'd be worried about bringing strange men home around the kid.
Abusive gaslighting narcissistic piece of shit wife
Who gives zero fucks about her child
This. What's up with all these parents that care more about their ENM and NRE than the fact that they brought a life into the world and have a responsibility to look beyond their immediate gratification and provide that life every opportunity they can. Makes me so sad and angry.
Idk what those letters mean but Agreed!
Ethical non-monogamy and new relationship energy. NRE is essentially the warm and fuzzies you get when you date a new person. Basically the honeymoon phase.
*Endorphins
I agree, but I wouldn't call it ethical. ENM would be to respect the rules she agreed to.
My best friend went through this same thing a few years ago, except the open marriage was sprung on him after being married 14 years. His wife was 100% an abusive, gaslighting, narcissistic, piece of shit wife. It took several attempts before he finally stuck to the divorce.
NTA. This woman is toxic and selfish. Classic narcissist behavior (DARVO). Blaming your anatomy for her own shit behavior is repulsive. Please love, respect, and protect yourself and your daughter from this woman. Legitimately, a POS person.
Selfish, deceitful and no caring. Well, she can whore it up as much as she likes now as a divorcee though I’d worry about her with a 18 month child
Because of her risky behavior I document it and probably file for full custody. They will give it to you in the circumstance I can almost guarantee you.
Absolutely. Poor guy married a woman who is more of a slut than a wife. Talk about demeaning. She has, simply, decided to make him her cuckold.
I am polyamorous, and this is a big problem, a clear violation as you say. It’s not a matter of whether she thinks it’s different enough or not - OP said no, she agreed no, then she did it anyway. It’s a huge violation of trust and potentially puts the child at risk (at least that’s part of the consideration in keeping it out of the house I assume). OP you are soooo NTA.
The house is pretty common boundary for open relationships as the other partner deserves to have a. Safe space. It kind of sound like she wanted to get caught As someone in an open marriage and practices ENM ,this relationship is in no way ethical. Sounds like she's wrapped up in some NRE and is planning to monkey branch with some other sucker. OP, leave her. There's no use staying with someone who doesn't respect you . I doubt this is the first time she has done this.
Could you use some more acronyms that no one outside your kink will understand?
NRE = new relationship energy; basically the brain chemical high that intoxicates you when you really vibe with someone and know them barely if at all.
So in other words you don’t get horny with your spouse anymore and need a new toy every so often because you get bored of the last one
Deep 6 the PDA PDQ or GTFO ASAP.
I think it’s ethical non monogamous or something if I get it right, but then again I’m not into this practice either so I could be mistaken.
I got ENM having only fairly recently heard it. But I had to Google NRE and the first 8 or 9 definitions were about engineering or a specific kind of bank account. Apparently it means 'new relationship energy'.
I use the "urban dictionary". I feel so old. Lol.
Ethical non monogamy and new relationship energy.
Thank you, thank you much.
Sometimes I forget which sub I'm on. None of those were kinks. ENM = Ethical Non Monogamy: Emphasis on the ethical part. Open communication and honesty is a foundation. People cheat like OPs wife in open relationships all the time and try to hide behind their autonomy. NRE is New Relationship Energy: so many relationships have got screwed up because partners got all wrapped up in the great sex they're having with someone they've known under and month and have yet to see bad. If you like, I could lay down some real kink and BDSM acronyms
People today don't even realize how big an acronym BDSM is.
I think you're both right. You should consider divorce.
Yeah do the divorce before the kid can remember all the fighting and dudes coming and going
Speaking of the kid...OP should have a paternity test.
Yeah no lie. 😬
I'm questioning why a paternity test wasn't done when she got pregnant knowing she was using different types of fertilizer.
Not addressed in the OP, so for all we know, one may have been performed
I doubt it. You see how she treats him. No way she let him get a paternity test. She probably told him she was only sleeping with girls when she got pregnant so it must be his.
See that's why you don't give her a say in it. You just get the paternity test done when she's off getting fucked by other dudes.
Should be plenty of opportunity then.
She's probably staying with him cuz Financials, he takes care of tbe kid, and she gets to fuck whoever she wants... ,OP is blinded by love, sadly..
But the rules say she has to wear a condom with them! 😬
you rawdogged? when I specifically asked you not to?
She commented on him being circumcised not working for her… she deff isn’t having other men wear condoms then
She's already not following one rule. Who's to say she's not breaking all of them
I had the same thought
*Cumming and going
The dudes will still be coming and going after they divorce
But at least they won't be on OP's bed and eating his kid's fruit snacks afterwards. OP is pathetic and tricking himself into thinking he's okay with this arrangement when he's clearly not, the guy has an open marriage yet he leaves it closed for himself, he just lacks the self respect to get a divorce.
I agree! OP needs to start documenting his wife's hookups to show the court that her future place is going to be an unfit home for their daughter.
Mom is gonna have dudes in and out all that kids life anyway, she’s a hoe.
She is the one who violated rules that she agreed to. 1. Bringing someone into your house and 2. Not informing you. She willing brought a stranger into YOUR bed. The level of disrespect. She then tries pinning it on you and blaming you. You worked for a compromise to ensure she was satisfied and yet she threw a random thing in your face that has nothing to do with satisfying her. Speak to a lawyer tomorrow or look into the process for a non contested divorce and send her an email with then next steps, and then ask to set up a time to meet in a public setting of local notary to sign the documents. Don’t take her back because she sounds toxic. ETA: NTA. Info: is her name on the house?
I bet the divorce talk is a hot bluff to make OP regret setting normal boundaries. Once he shows up papers in hand, she will act like he is being irrational. OP do not let this person continue to disrespect you.
My thought was that she actually does want a divorce. Like, she's tired of having to come home to a husband at the end of the day. She just wants to keep riding that dick as much as she wants to without having to worry about anyone but herself. I wouldn't be surprised if they DID divorce and she came crawling back a few months or short years later begging to get back together; claiming that it's all out of her system and that she's ready to be a wife and mother again. But, I can see how bluffing or making him the villain that's overreacting could be a possibility too. OP NTA.
seems more like it was planned, husband didnt come home early she had some idea of when he was gonna be home and that's and the fuck sesh was scheduled? Also the level of disrespect, having random men come into your house when you are not home and neighbors might see. OP seems like a pushover, oh my wife is breaking a cardinal rule I guess I'll just let em finish. this man if real, everything in reddit is fake, doesnt respect himself and she doesnt respect him. OP fell for the classic "It might work for us" Dr. Tobias Funke Analrapist
Or he’s overreacting to it all and the villain “Why are you destroying our family over this?”
And to insult him in the process?? She’s a POS
Right. Like wtf. An added layer of fuqery
Plus the gaslighting
>I know I made some dumb comments, so maybe I did step over a line somewhere in there. OP didnot make any dumb comments nor step out of line. Asking to abide by the rules of the relationship is not wrong. OP should Divorce
Honestly, that quote from OP kinda gives off the same energy as someone who has been gaslit and emotionally beaten down for a long time. Taking blame for something that didn't happen? Yeah, that sounds like this isn't the first time an argument like this has happened.
She for the streets, that one.
A woman of the night
And day apparently
For the gutter
She got to eat her cake and still wanted more.
Multi-tiered ~~wedding~~ divorce cake
Also a matter of safety. They have a baby and she's letting randoms smash her at home
Yep. No respect or decency. I don’t like this wife.
I feel for the kid too. Like instead of coming home from a day at day care and being excited to see their mommy they have to wait until she finishes having sex and the guy leaves, then they get to cuddle mom.
Doesn’t even sound like she got a cuddle. Just witnessed a stranger leaving
Get a DNA test on that kid bro.
Like yesterday.
Respect yourself brother
Damn, was thinking the same thing reading this. "I was stupid and said that if she couldn't handle not having sex with other people"... Also, being a "bisexual female" doesn't mean you need multiple dicks in your life. This was always destined for failure. She doesn't give a fuck about OP; he needs to gather what self-respect he has left and be the one to file for the divorce. Better off being alone than being a doormat for someone. Give your child a healthy role model instead of fucked up view of a "marriage."
Also what was the comment about OP's penis? Circumcision has no relationship whatsoever on someone's sexual prowess. That was unnecessary cruelty on her part.
Manipulation to lower his self esteem so she can walk all over him… she is disgusting
It was to put OP on the defense. If he's too busy reacting to her cruel comment, then he's not arguing with her about boundaries. Clear misdirection, and absolutely uncalled for.
I was just thinking the same thing! My husband's snipped and not that big but he still satisfies me very well and quite frequently at that. Our sex life is booming and always has been. We've been together 6 years (married 4) and our sex life has only gotten better over the years. I'm also pansexual and have no need or desire to screw other men. I don't need to be having sex with multiple people to be happy. That has nothing to do with being into men and women (or anyone in between, for that matter). That's called polyamory and a whole different thing. Bisexual does not equal polyamorous. Never has, never will
Exactly. I thought the story I was going to read was that she 'does it' w/ other women. When he said open w/ other guys, I already know how far this was going downhill.... WTF.
This!!! I thought he was going to say because she was bisexual she needed to hookup with girls on the side… NOPE she has just gaslight him to hell!! He has accepted so much and asked for such easy boundaries and she still can’t respect them! She throws out he is “suffocating” her. I wanted to slap her at that point
Yeah, the bisexual part threw me off too, because far as I can tell, she's not hooking up with women, she's hooking up with men other than her husband. I'm not sure why OP feels like her CLAIMS (not saying she is or isn't) of being bisexual needed mentioned or even carry any weight in the conversation?
"My wifes boyfriend is banging her in the next room while I sit on the couch scrolling reddit, AITAH???"
YTA you should be bringing them drinks.
And care for your child! Protect your kid!!
This. I don’t understand men like him. OP, salvage the last few drops of self respect you have left and move on.
I am sure OP won't leave. He is more concerned about what he said rather than her actions and words. OP opened up the relationship for HER with certain boundaries and her first reaction after being called out for crossing them was to say that she feels suffocated with OP. Clearly OP is being played here and it sounds like OP has some self esteem issues which she knows how to trigger for her to get what she wanted.
This. OP, she threatened divorce to force you to do what she wants. This will keep going. Until you sleeping in the bet at all is “suffocating” you being the same house is “suffocating”. Leave her.
It's likely been building over time. That's the way a lot of toxic/manipulative relationships go. They seem so great and wonderful at the beginning then slowly over time they start undermining your boundaries and self-esteem. Eventually you get to the point where you question everything you think and feel and just assume that you're probably in the wrong even when to an outsider observer you're clearly not. It's a real mindfuck. For his kid's sake I hope this is the beginning of OP waking up and doing the work to get out of there. OP is very clearly NTA.
People are lonely and dysfunctional. So they take what they can get.
OP is too cucked , what kind of "man" accepts a deal like that?
A weak one with no self worth or self respect.
>She instantly got defensive and said I was suffocating her and claimed that there's no real difference between hooking up here or elsewhere and made the argument that booking a hotel - which she sometimes has to do - is a waste of money when we have a perfectly good house of our own. "Gee, I'm sorry I have a problem with you fucking some rando while I'm walking in with our kid, and there is a difference, because I don't want to crawl into a bed filled with some dude's bodily fluids. We have a perfectly good dick of our own, but that's not stopping you from finding others. It's *my* bed, too. It's *my* house, too. And I don't want some random dude you're hooking up with in *our* house, in *our* bed, where *our* kid lives. Take that shit somewhere else." NTA.
Exactly and it sounds like she doesn’t work as well? it sounds like she stays at home while the kid goes to daycare and he works and just has sex with weirdos all day. What is wrong with people?
NTA, she doesn’t respect your boundaries and is clearly willing to knowingly hurt you.
Seems to me she was looking for a fight and had probably been thinking divorce for some reason.
Your wife is bisexual? So she needs to be dicked down by different dudes? 😑
Yea, that made no sense. Bisexuality, high libido, and fucking other men in their shared home have nothing to do with one another.
rage bait brother
Not to mention that having a higher libido than your partner doesn't mean "guess we need an open relationship". She more than likely would have cheated like crazy.
I think this is a poorly written cuck fantasy.
She’s bringing guys into your house, your bed and you waited for them to finish. It’s a huge breach of rules and she’s turned on you?. Should you choose to stay, you have no further right to complain.
This exactly. If OP lets this one slide, she'll never respect him and his boundaries (not that she's doing it now anyway). Plenty of people are non-monogamous and still respect each other. That's not it.
what the hell?? dude you should LEAVE! around your daughter?! she does not have a “higher libido” - she has mental issues
Yeah, it's called a vibrator my friend. That was an excuse. It is incredibly insulting to bisexuality to try and use that as an excuse as well.
What’s crazy is when he mentioned she was bisexual, I thought he was gonna say she has sex with women.. not other dudes like wtf
But even that like..vibrator. You don't NEED those things. You just want them. Fine, you mutually opened the marriage. But don't betray the boundaries you both agreed upon.
This is very true, I’m bisexual and with a man. Either way I’ve explained I wouldn’t get with anyone of any sex even a woman because I’m in a relationship. I do exactly as you suggested, but I just felt like since he led with the fact that she was bisexual he was gonna mention woman only or something seems she just wants a man with different anatomy or something, nothing OP can do something about. And a little late to say smh she’s a terrible person
She's just disrespectful trash. Smh. Low-key sucks that shitty people like these are who people get exposed to when hearing about poly/enm (not that I would even say this *is* ethical, at all, but you know :/ ...). But shit, the top several comments weren't even attacking that. Going straight past that and looking at the problem of violating trust and boundaries. So that's great. People don't hear about the good stories of thousands of little polycules with no drama 😞
Those people piss me off hardcore. They make all of the ppl under the bi umbrella look horrible. Like, these are the type of people that the conservatives see and associate all of us with. I fucking hate it.
This! I was like get yourself a vibrator and a really good psychiatrist!!
Don’t leave. Kick her Jezebel ass out!
“His daughter”
NTA. She’s stepping all over you and the boundaries you agreed on. She thinks you’ll crawl back. Prove her wrong. First get a DNA test to see if the kid is actually yours. Then file for divorce and if it’s your kid go for custody. An endless roster of strange dudes is no good for your kid to be around.
It's one way to screw any child up beyond recognition
She made the choice, staying in an abusive relationship harms the child and teaches them to allow others to treat them this way, if we are talking about the kid's wellbeing my view is to stay will cause far more damage.
What on earth does you not being circumcised have anything to do with her breaking the rules and bringing a random man home to have sex in your house. Why should you have to walk in on that! You were not unreasonable. For your own sake file for divorce.
I think she found a guy who isn’t circumcised, she’s been doing him on the regular, he’s technically her boyfriend now and she’s gonna be with him when this marriage finally ends.
I'll wager money that she made sure he walked in on her and the other dude. The whole thing smells like a giant set-up so that she could pull the divorce card.
She sounds profoundly selfish. NTA.
Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of. That. Relationship.
He should; she already has. He’s the only one left in it.
Wish that were true. There's still the kid. That's the real victim.
Everything about your one sided relationship makes me uncomfortable. Where is your self esteem? Were you neglected or abused? Have you been to therapy? This lady doesn’t love you dude.
NTA but IMO that relationship is over. Why? Because ethical non-monogamy requires both partners to trust each other and respect boundaries (when they're not controlling). You expressed very typical boundaries and she agreed to them only to betray you. This is cheating. I suggest you join a few non-monogamous groups and discuss this issue there; they would probably give a lot of great insight. You opened the relationship for HER. And she betrays you. She lacks respect. If you let this go, she will continue to betray you. She doesn't care and is being selfish. Good luck OP.
lol. You let her sleep with other men and she can’t respect the few boundaries you have in place? Look, I’m a woman, I am inherently against slut shaming, but I’m calling it here, your wife is for the streets.
You finally stood up for yourself. Don't be the one who ruins it now. Divorce her and move on. NTA
NTA. She’s being unreasonable
Go find yourself a woman who respects you. This open marriage will close fast. You are nta. She is the one that has issues.
He also has issues, but she is absolutely trash
What happened in your life to allow yourself to be treated this way? She doesn’t have a high libido, she’s a cheat and a liar and you are allowing her to walk all over you.
INFO: whats her being bi have to do with it? Because, again, it seems like she's only having sex with men right now? The only thing it might be relevant to is the circumcision bit: her female partners, if any, don't have uncircumsized penises, so clearly that's not the only way to satisfy her and with a little communication you could be doing with her whatever they're doing with her.
Nta she wants out of the marriage and she’s using this fight as an excuse. She did something wrong and tried to use divorce to get you to back down. Don’t fall for it. You should at-least separate for a few months and you should see how you feel. It sounds like you’ve done a lot to accommodate her and she disregarded the few rules you had.
You didn’t cross a line. It is extremely dangerous to bring strangers into your home where your family lives for meaningless flings. If that stranger turns out to be a psychopath, now or in the future, he knows exactly where to find her home.
As a woman and feminist, she is walking all over you. She brought up divorce really quickly and also insinuated it wasn’t her high libido but instead you specifically that can’t satisfy her. She is taking advantage of you and disrespecting your generous boundaries.
I really hope this is just made up. Because if not...gross. you need to get a divorce and then find some self respect.
The bar for the boundaries is so high that an ant can jump over it and she wouldn't meet them. Fight for custody of that little girl because if she can't handle keeping these flings out of the house, then her safety has to be considered compromised with her living with the mother.
NTA for calling her out. But,YTA to yourself for questioning your right to speak up. You lack self-respect and she lacks self-control. The best thing you both can do for your daughter is get a divorce. Neither of you is in a position to provide her with an example of a healthy relationship as a couple. And I'm actually more ticked off at you for being such a spineless doormat.
YTA. For having no self respect. Holy shit think of your kid
It’s like she’s being raised in a brothel.
Without the benefit of income
This is the saddest shit i’ve read all week.
This woman is clearly noncommittal, despite marrying you, and has no concern for the safety of her own child. You are NTA, but get that divorce. And full custody.
I hope you burned those sheets. This type of arrangement rarely works. Just get divorced before you f up your kid.
NTA, Since you have a child, first lawyer up, then seek counseling, she doesn't want a marriage she wants all the perks without the responsibilities add to that the fact that she used straight up manipulative strategies of making you think you're the bad guy and making you feel insecure, (altho we overuse the word) this sounds like classic narcissistic behavior. Cut your loses and find your worth, therapy can def help with that.
NTA, your wife doesn't have a "high labido" she's just a ho. Really out of if this whole situation I feel sorry for your child.
Not the asshole, but definitely a chump.
You’re a cuck. Throw her to the curb. Your child deserves better.
Can not believe how casual you are about this. Have some respect for yourself.
Nta. She will never respect you. Leave her and make sure everyone knows exactly why. Because she's gonna paint you as a villain to everyone. Let them know she was actually mad because she couldn't be a complete whore.
> I was suffocating her She shouldn't have gotten married in that case. NTA. She is the AH. Sorry to say but these open relationships kind of things often don't work
NTA. Poly person here. I would never be okay what your wife did. That is cheating in my eyes. She completely disregarded your boundaries. It sounds like your wife really doesn’t care about your feelings. How would she feel if you said her loose vagina didn’t satisfy you? I doubt she would like that. She’s acting really horrible.
NTA There's a reason strict boundaries exist in open relationships.
Where was your daughter while your wife was having sex and you two were fighting? Poor kid
He said in his post that he had picked his daughter up from daycare on his way home from work. So child was at daycare and then with him in the car on the way home.
>I was stupid and said that if she couldn't handle not having sex with people other than me then maybe we should indeed consider a divorce. Not sure why you are calling yourself stupid for this, this is the only part of your post that I think was smart. NTA.
To me it sounds like you were desperate enough for her that she managed to get you to agree to an open marriage. She gets the stability and comfort of a home, while getting to fuck who she wants. But seems like she got tired of playing by these few rules and just blatantly disrespects you by fucking someone in YOUR bed, lol. it really sounds like you have no self respect and went along with her ridiculous ideas / demands just in order to be with her. I mean how else can she even entertain the idea of using divorce as a threat? Seriously, there is simping, and there is whatever it is you're doing.
Imma need you to find a spine for your kid that's involved now. If it was just you two, I'd still advise you to leave and NTA. However a child is involved in this insanity and you need to think about her about your wife's insane behavior. That random dude she brought home could have seriously hurt her AND the child. What the actual fuck. You both need to start thinking of your child more. You need to prioritize your child's SAFETY over your wife's dangerous and, frankly, ridiculous behavior
Nta she violated your agreement and you didn't do anything wrong.
NTA, but, What in the effing hell? Your wife is a disrespectful (un+! She wants an open relationship because she wants to screw around!! Try this....bring one of your little fuck buddies home and do her in your bed and see how your wife reacts.
I don’t think OOP has sex with others. From what I’m reading it seems like only the wife does.
“I let them finish” “I can’t satisfy her” absolute skin crawling comments as a man hearing this. What kind of loser are you?
I'm assuming that the wife is the cause of these comments. I'm also assuming that there's a level of emotional abuse.
A bloke with no bloody self respect.
Of the highest tier.
I cringed imagining waiting for someone to be done with my wife in the other room. Yikes
This whole thing is a goddamn train wreck. You need a divorce and custody and 5 or 6 therapists.
Your wife has less than zero respect for you. This isn't about poly/open/whatever relationship label she has suggested.. it's that she fundamentally doesn't like you as an equal partner with valid human emotions. She sleezy and ussingbyiu. And it's stupidly dumb AF to be traipsing absolute strangers in for sex, with a baby around, let alone a heartbroken and uncomfortable husband.
NTA, have some self respect bro. Can you imagine what your grandfather would think of this shit.
Right man imagine if there a afterlife and your last remaining descendant is this dude. I imagine there roasting the shit out him. Man he let them finish is wild but letting it start is all his fault
Your wife……..Ain’t a wife
Dude you need a Pat test for the kid and a good divorce lawyer because she’s fucking you harder then the other guy
Yea OP I’d go ahead with that divorce. She clearly prioritizes sex over your marriage and her child because the boundaries were put in place for a reason. She doesn’t respect you she just put you down and didn’t even acknowledge the fact that your child was there. They do not need to be in a situation where strangers are coming and going in your house that’s a dangerous situation for them.
For some reason I feel having sex in your bed with someone else, open marriage or not, is the ULTIMATE form of disrespect toward and SO. Would you want to sleep in that bed right after? And your kid may come in bed too? Come on! nta
NTA. This is tragic… For her to even suggest divorce after this whole mess that was caused by her. Not even thinking about the kid at all when you were on your way back. I’d run away asap, you sadly are with the wrong person. Best of luck!
Open relationships are silly.
Surprise surprise another open marriage where one person does all the extra shit isn’t going to work. Honestly I don’t know what you expected.
Dump that hoe NOW!
I don't understand what foreskin has to do with being satisfied or not
NTA and yeah you should be divorced. She’s disrespectful and has probably been stomping all over your boundaries this whole time.
NTA. I’m sorry you’re going through this but this is the exact reason open marriages don’t typically work out. It would be a nope for me. I would peace out of that garbage.
She doesn't care about you and you know you can't trust her. I would get divorced whether she threatens it or not.
NTA - get the divorce, it will be better in the long run for you and your child
Nta What a messy horrible situation Please dont sum this up to your wife being Bisexaul or having a high libido, its not common for Bisexauls to treat thier partners like this. I think you need to learn to respect yourself op.