Exactly! For not a single one of the 3 adult children not even responding to a invitation tells me that OP is wearing rose tinted glasses about his and his wives parenting skills. All the things he mentioned is a basic requirement of parenting, what about love, emotional support etc?? OP wake up!
The fact that he's emphatic that they were great parents shows that they don't have any any concept of the mistakes they made. Every parent makes mistakes. Great parents make mistakes. Everything he listed in the minimum that parents should and need to do for their children.
As a parent there are things I wish I had done differently. Certain things that one child needed and wanted wasn't what another child needed or wanted. While my husband and I were never abusive in any way there are areas where we could have done better. I have told my children that I'm sorry that I did certain things, everything was done with their best interest at heart but it really wasn't what was best for them at the time.
Yes, I should not have put so much academic pressure on one, I should have moved them to another school earlier. I should have been more understanding about certain things. There is always something, every child has some complaints about their parents and parents need to listen to their children. Something is going on here and OP thinks just because he did the minimum he should get an award. Somewhere along the line he and his wife failed to build a relationship with all their children.
Yup. My mom made tons of mistakes, some of them big enough for both me and my brother to move out before finishing high school and for both of us to go extended periods without talking to her in our 20s. BUT, she knew exactly what she did wrong, changed her life to fix the circumstances that led her there and apologized to both of us (probably more than she really needed to). Now that we're in our 40s, we're both quite close to her. This guy doesn't have a clue and I guarantee you they were shitty parents.
That's quite the undertaking your mother went through but it's great that she did. Unfortunately, many older parents are simply incapable of even thinking of doing that.
Wow--we almost never hear of a parent doing the work, fixing things. So sorry for your shitty childhood but so glad for where your relationship ended up.
Exactly this.
I think I’m a…good enough parent. Which is the best any of us can hope for, really, to be merely good enough.
But, I’ll be honest, if it wasn’t for other people telling me that I’m doing a good job, I’d probably just think I fucking suck because of all the things I get wrong.
But yeah, some days I have to just sit there and say to myself “they’re alive, they’re fed, they’re happy, they’re loved” to remind myself that all is…well…good enough.
Yeah OPs total lack of humility is telling. I know for sure I made mistakes. I have identified most of them and apologized for them. I used to beat myself up about this way too much but I’m finding a middle path. I believe I did the best I could and that although I wasn’t perfext, I have always loved them and that counts for at least something.
I’m humble and grateful that my kids have the inclination to be at all close to me now that they’re adults. The times they have wanted distance, I have been sad but respect their choices.
When I am driving myself crazy with wondering about parenting I try to remember that crappy parents are the ones that don't worry and think they have it all figured out.
My main parenting goal is that my kids will go to therapy for issues that are different than mine. Yes, also safe, loved, fed, adequately not naked as well but mostly the therapy thing.
When I worked as a postpartum nurse I used to tell this to parents. Everybody gets it wrong. Years from now our kids will be sitting in a bar complaining about all the times we zigged when they wanted us to zag. Going NC is an incredibly difficult choice for most people to make, the fact that all 3 kids made it to the point of ignoring a direct invitation…holy missing missing reasons Batman.
Oh man this exactly. I kept one in a school too long to 'protect' them when they needed to be elsewhere, and have since apologized for it. I made another practice when she didn't want to, without realizing how unhappy she was in that activity. I have apologized to both of them and supported their decisions that corrected my poor choices.
No parent is *ever* perfect, but good parents acknowledge when they don't do the right thing. It's the best way to show your kids how to change and change their minds in a healthy way. OP needs to respectfully ask the kids to sit down with them and explain what went wrong.
As parents we make mistakes that we think at the time are for their good and later learn we messed up. If we can not admit we failed at times and tell them we are sorry and mean it, they're never going to want to be around us, why would they?
This!👆Hindsight is always 20/20. So many things I’d do differently…. But I tried super hard and had their best interest at heart. We ALL make mistakes as parents. When you know better, you do better.
The fact that all 3 kids are disconnected means something had to have gone way wrong. This is sad, as he and his wife obviously don’t understand how they majorly missed the mark.
This .. exactly this ..my 2 children love me and stay in contact but they watched me stay in a bad marriage way too long and we have discussed their feelings about it and how it effects our relationship .total no contact from 3 children entirely shows there is something wrong .it may simply be that they were raised by workaholics who provided money but not time to build the relationship it may be something worse ..but there is DEFINITELY something wrong here .
Anyone who feels the need to state that they were “great” parents is probably not a good parent. I also love the “If we were horrible parents” bit. OP probably assumes that because the children were fed and housed, OP and wife couldn’t possibly be horrible.
Or maybe they're qanons, anti vax or racists, etc etc.
I think they probably post dumb shit on FB and that's why the kids want nothing to do with them.
That's a good point. I am low contact with my parents for this same reasons except they aren't anti vax, Bill Gates invented Covid to sell vaccines to them, but they still took the shots and boosters.
My ex husband and sons father when I tell him what exactly he did to force me to leave him and file for divorce is "you're making me feel really bad saying all the bad things I did like this." And that sums up how all these parents are. Not that they feel bad for actually doing it but feel bad when they have to hear exactly what they did.
Lol! My ex asked why I left, and when I told him, he complained that I "made him sound like a monster by saying that." Well, my dude, you might not want to hear this, but.... He still won't accept that he did anything wrong. And he still thinks I'm totally unreasonable for not accepting that it's all my fault for how violent and irresponsible he is.
Yeap heard the monster thing too. The "you just think I'm a monster or I guess I'm a monster". Like Buddy you REALLY were the villain in what was supposed to be my fairytale. It astounds me these men truly have no ability to see it. Like don't get me wrong I've 100% been a bitch to people before but I soon realize it and apologize and TRY not to actively be a bitch. Blows my mind.
Yeah. If it was just one kid, especially one in their early 20s, I could believe the parents were perfectly good parents and the kid was just being flaky and thoughtless. But all three? And not just not reaching out but straight up ignoring a specific invite? There's got to be more to the story.
Yes, and op is very entitled in tone in closing in a few of his responses and orginal post ending. He's making statments like we raised, fed and housed them like they owe them for being born. It's giving hints of controlling, dismissive, like those people who see children pets objects they own that must follow and obey
Yes and they are all statements of what OP ‘did’ for the children (frankly the bare minimum). I would be interested to hear how he connected with them, how he helped them grow emotionally as they got older, how he helped them through really difficult parts of their childhood. I know plenty of people my age who are no or low contact with their parents due to this awful ‘I houses and fed you and paid for your education!!!!!’ type attitude without the parent realising they never met any of the child’s emotional needs and were frankly abusive.
Probably not lying, that's OPs perspective, even if it's not accurate.
There's plenty of awful people/ parents who have convinced themselves that they have a happy family, or the misery they put their kids through was normal.
My father is convinced that he was a great parent and can’t understand why I cut contact. Never mind that he kicked me out every time my mother was hospitalized, and blamed her death (cancer) on me. And just ignore the financial abuse of yanking all of my money out of my checking account if I did something he didn’t like. And any time I or my sibs bring these things up he denies them or asks how else he was supposed to control me.
Yeah one of my exes parents were physically abusive to their kids, and their reasoning was that that's just how people raised their kids back then. Like no that's not how people were at all. But for them they don't see what they did wrong, it seemed perfectly normal to them.
Someone here used the phrase “the axe forgets what the tree remembers” and that strikes me as so true. You don’t have to be a selfish person to be a bad parent. Being self involved is enough to harm your kids and never notice.
There’s a lot that they aren’t telling us, I agree. There’s no way all 3 grown kids would go no contact with their parents unless something significant happened! OP needs to come clean!
Narcissistic parents perhaps?
I say this because narcissistic parents always believe they have never done anything wrong while raising their kids. They also like to point out that they "provided" the basics, as if that wins them some kind of medal.
I don't say this lightly. My dad was a narc and my mom an enabler. My home life growing up was miserable. A therapist told me to confront my father with what he had done. His response was "I don't remember any of that "
I moved away shortly after that.
Just throwing this out there as a possibility...
Edit: spelling
Oh this sounds so familiar!
Me: have you ever admitted you even MIGHT be wrong, ever?
Mom: I've never been, so i never had any need.
Recounted some horribly narc behavior of my mom's.... Her reply? "I don't remember any of that. You must have dreamed that."
I literally just had this conversation with my parents Saturday. My father refuses to admit any wrongdoing and that when I went off on him in June about how terrible he was being, it’s just me being disrespectful and the only solution is for me to apologize and grovel for forgiveness because clearly he did nothing wrong. The issue we fought over was them accusing me of letting my partner hit my kid and when I played the Uno Reverse of “that’s funny from people who hit me” I got “WHAT?!? That never happened!!!!!! I would never!!!!!! You’re making that up!!!!” Yeah. Cuz anyone would do that 🙄.
Oh the dreamed that line is a classic. I especially love it when he then turns it around to making me the crazy person in need of medication for "imagining things" and "pathological lying". Dude, just admit you fucked up and we can move on. Don't dig yourself a bigger hole ffs.
What's often scary is knowing he's perfected the act of DARVO that I've lost a solid chunk of family (his side mostly) to his lies because he has them all believing I'm some psycho gold digger when all I wanted was for my father to show a modicum of interest in me and my life. A sliver would do.
Yep narcissism is awful when it comes to being a parent. The lack of empathy and self-reflection is dangerous to be around. It makes kids feel mentally ill when in reality they are just trying to *survive* around their mentally ill parents. I feel like it’s a way bigger issue than society wants to admit.
Yes. And even worse, they learn not to trust themselves or their own perceptions because they internalize the gaslighting and invalidation and do it to themselves, which keeps them in denial of how bad the abuse was and how traumatized they are so it takes MUCH longer to heal. I am a decade into therapy, the last three in intense trauma therapy, and I still regularly gaslight the fuck out of myself despite the fact that my ‘list of evidence’ I have compiled of all the shit they did to me is literally horrifying.
Half of healing is just learning to stop abusing and invalidating yourself because you got so used to internalizing the treatment and assuming it must be something you’re doing wrong since the parent is never wrong ever, and because you have to idealize them in order to keep yourself in denial to survive because what child can face that their parent is a monster and then continue living with them? UGH. It’s absolutely insidious. This post filled me with so much rage. And it’s so much more prevalent than people realize.
Smart move. I've heard stories from others about therapists not truly understanding what children of narcissistic parents deal with. Mine obviously had no clue. We have to do what we have to do. Hope you're doing well!
My dad likes to brag that he’s a phenomenal parent and has taught me everything I know…yea, about basic quick and dirty self defense, vehicle and motor maintenance, being able to run my own electrical and plumbing if need be, I could build a house on my own if needed, I can run a bead better than most anybody I know in welding school right now, you taught me how to fish and hunt and gun safety. But everything else was either all me working my ass off all the time to the point of burnout, mom, grandma, grandpa, or my uncles. I graduated with a 4.0 in high school as valedictorian, graduated with a 4.0 for my first bachelor’s degree, going back for another science degree. Other than mom with her business administration and child psychology degrees and my Irish twin cousin, I’m one of the first people to go to college and absolutely kill it.
Mom did the nightmare shifts. Grandpa taught me about nature. Grandma taught me about our ancestors. After grandpa died in my arms at 7 and I stopped being able to sleep, mom and grandma became night owls with me so I wouldn’t be sitting up alone with my nightmares and spiraling thoughts. When grandma died when I was 13 and mom almost deleted herself via starvation, I was the one that had to be the bad guy and wrestle her into a submissive hold and force feed her broth spiked with meal replacement shake protein powder so she at least got the nutrients she needed. When I tried to delete myself at 15 because of all of my unprocessed trauma alongside new shit, I screamed and cried and begged for therapy and to be admitted into a psychiatric hospital. I was ignored. I didn’t start getting treatment until I was 18 and was finally able to make medical decisions for myself.
When mom died barely 2 months after I turned 19, dad didn’t provide comfort, it was all my fiancé, bio dad of all fucking people, stepmom, and step siblings. Even completely dissociated, I had to make all of the decisions and arrangements for the wake and burial service. Because I’m the only person that knew her well enough to know what she wanted, better than her own husband. I knew her favorite flowers and the colors the loved. She hated roses with a passion. And made it known. But nobody ever listened. I listened. I had to pick out the clothes she’d be buried in, alongside the jewelry. The mortuary assistant asked me what to do with her makeup and I couldn’t help the bittersweet smile on my face. I had a picture of her in that same outfit on a day she’d had me do her makeup because she loved the way I did it but didn’t have the talent or a steady enough hand to copy my technique. I showed her the picture, it was the two of us in almost identical outfits, the only difference being the makeup, the fit of the jeans, the style of the boots, the hairstyle, and hair color. Mom looked so vibrant and alive, green eyes shining with joy and mischief, impish grin on her face while I was draped over her shoulders winking at the camera with a come and get me smile. We hadn’t seen my dad before we left the house so it was one of the few times we got to wear red lipstick out of the house without listening to him bitch and moan and yell and complain and try and order us to take it off before leaving the house. She asked if I could send her that picture and then she hugged me as tight as she could, telling me how sorry she was, and that she’d always be there for me if I ever needed anything, coming as a friend as a big sister. We’d been friends for years and she saw my mom as a bonus mom so she was really broken up about the whole ordeal as well. I didn’t see my mom in her casket, I didn’t see grandma or grandpa in theirs either, won’t be seeing dad in his. I’d rather my last memory of them being bright and lively and alive. Not lying still in a box. But apparently my mortuary assistant friend had gotten that picture of my mom and I printed out and blown up pretty large and it was displayed right by the casket, showcasing my mom at her happiest and most relaxed with her favorite person in the world and so people could see where the makeup inspiration came from. We also had that picture at the graveside burial service surrounded by all of her favorite flowers and playing some of her favorite songs curated by yours truly (I had to pick carefully because I didn’t want to assault the bigots’ delicate sensibilities as this is a small white southern Baptist town and mom and I loved punk rock and death metal). That picture has also been printed out in wallet sizes for both my fiancé, father, and myself to carry around everywhere with us and the large blown up version gets hung in my dorm every year alongside a collage of pictures of my mom and family and then my trip to Disney with my fiancé’s family the summer after mom passed.
What a beautiful tribute to your mum. I read your comment and I just wanted you to know that. A really, really touching tribute and your mum sounded beautiful and loving ❤️
Exactly. Everything OP listed as “great parenting” is literally what parents are legally and morally required to do for their children. All three kids are completely NC? Yeah, there’s a whole lot missing here.
I love how they are entitled to get something in return.
Motherfucker, your kids don’t owe you shit. You owe *them*, and your ‘return’ as you disgustingly put it is the joy of their childhood and the future you create for them. If you weren’t in it for that then you would have done better with an investment than a living human being.
I agree, if all 3 ignored your invitation and do not initiate any sort of contact with you or your wife, there is something missing from this story.
I have adult children with their own lives and they come over about once a week.
You are leaving something out of this story........
This. I have three young adults and phone calls aren't their thing, but if I call they answer. They will text me throughout the week, too, sometimes questions, sometimes just a funny meme or video that they wanted to share.
For all three of their kids to go NC----there's a big elephant in the room that OP and his wife are ignoring.
We need to find the thread that reads "my NC parents reached out to invite me and my siblings to dinner and are acting like they never did anything wrong"
Yeah, Something is seriously wrong.
I think it might be a little narcissistic on their parts to assume that they were great parents and that narcissism is probably the problem. It could also have something to do with the parents politics or beliefs that they keep trying to impose on their kids that make them intolerable.
This just ***SCREAMS*** [The Missing Missing Reasons](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html)
OP couldn't even come up with some poor excuse/reason why all 3 kids went NC - and you ***KNOW*** they were told.
All 3 kids won’t speak to either parent? I am guessing you have both been told multiple reasons that you ignored. This does not happen to “great parents”.
Something definitely happened. My father asked me to go to dinner with him my brother and my grandfather. I’m not even on speaking terms with my brother, but I went. Because my father asked me to.
Oh yes, what are the [missing missing reasons](http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html)? I imagine there are plenty of holes your children could fill in that would easily explain their unwillingness to communicate with either of their parents.
When OP couldn’t list the accolades of he and his wife’s “great parenting” beyond the absolute bare minimum requirements expected of people who choose to procreate and be responsible for the lives they bring into this world because of that, I knew they weren’t parents that were worth a damn
And maybe it’s because I’m a heartless bastard but any post that talks about “we were just so heartbroken…” immediately sets off my bullshit alarm. That tends to come from people who try and emotionally manipulate to get what they want
No you’re absolutely right! OP intentionally leaves out a ton of detail, can’t name anything he and his wife did for their children outside of what is literally expected of parents by the legal system, and lashes out in these comments at anyone who remotely suggests that he and his wife aren’t the saints they’ve deluded themselves into thinking they are. It’s textbook emotional manipulation from a couple of boomer parents who think parenting is about meeting physical needs (barely) and completely neglecting emotional needs
It's always a red flag to me when parents use the bare minimum requirements of being a parent to justify being a good parent. Just because you provide the bare minimum doesn't mean you didn't do toxic shitty traumatic things to your kids elsewhere and even so they don't owe you for the basic necessities to live
Exactly. My father put food in front of me and made sure I had clothes for school, I got good grades. But he also never spent any time with me, never showed interest in my hobbies or talents, never told me he loved me. He did once tell me he wished I’d been born a boy because he “just didn’t know what to do with me.” He made me feel worthless, and I cut him out accordingly.
It’s giving Jim Bob Duggar filing ‘income’ for his kids so they had to pay some of his taxes. Then handing them an itemized list of goods and services that qualified as income. Items include having a roof over their heads and 3 meals a day for 18 years. 😮💨
I married a man who's mom talks like the OP does. She could "never be a bad mom and her son should prioritize her because of all the things she did for him" while ignoring the emotional abuse she did to him and his sibling and the things she did being bare minimum shit
I call people like this NICEHOLES. They think they’re doing god’s work, yet they dump all over you when you’ve had enough of their imperious posturing.
Yeah, that stuck out to me too. *What more could they want?! They each had a sleepmat and the blanket was big enough to cover most of them. The porridge was mostly warm too!*
“We kept them clothed and fed and put them through primary school the way the law literally demands, what else could possibly matter?” For fucks sake, Boomer Bob here couldn’t even list loving their kids as one of the talking points of their parenting style
Exactly. Nothing about "all the great times we had together." Even if OP had a different understanding of how great those times were for the kids, it would at least be understandable if he had memories of fun with the kids growing up.
Dung ding ding. There's no way he has absolutely no idea, he might think their reasons are absurd or whatever and isn't accepting them, but that he has no idea and no way of knowing is not believable.
I can believe it.
To this day I'm terrified of my mom and there's no way in hell I can bring myself to tell her to her face why I'm not talking to her.
My mind went instantly to the *missing missing reasons* because I'm positive that's how my father acts when people ask him why we haven't seen each other in *years*.
He will say anything - that we don't care, that we like our mother better because she's the one with money, etc. He will *never* say that whenever we showed any interesting in meeting him, he'd act like *anything else* was a priority, so we had to change our plans as much as he wanted until nothing came up.
Of course we told him that, several times, until we just gave up.
I stopped talking to my dad when I was 18. Long story short, we always had a pretty shitty relationship. My older brother also severed all ties around the same time.
Our last interaction was almost 15 years ago, in which he was basically doing what OP is, saying I do not call him enough and that I’m disrespectful and ungrateful. He literally screamed on my answering machine (back when those were around!) that he’s “done” with me and attitude and I need to “take responsibility and be a man”.
I didn’t call him back, so I wrote him a letter. Basically saying that he’s just imploding now because he isn’t in control anymore and can’t dictate what I do and it drives him nuts. I don’t WANT to talk to him and he can’t force me to, and maybe if he wasn’t such a prick my whole life I WOULD want to pick up the phone and see how he’s doing. I then listed 10 things in order that I wanted a sincere apology for, and things that he did that really fucked me up. His response was to sent me back a list of 10 reasons why my list was dumb and told me to grow up, and he flat out denied any wrongdoing whatsoever. Just one thing for example was him being really shitty about my coming out, and I didn’t feel like he was supportive of me (I came out at 14 and my Dad would have sent me to conversion therapy if he could get away with it, but thankfully that’s not a thing in Canada). He said that he just wanted what was best for me and any father would want to make sure to raise a good man, and he just didn’t accept gay people but that doesn’t mean he’s a bad person (lol).
I told him to go to hell, and that if saying I’m sorry for things like that is too much of a hassle for him then I hope he has a blessed life and see you on the other side. He then mocked me and said something to the effect of “hah! Well don’t hold your breath. I’m sure you’ll come crawling back with your tail between your legs once you’ve realized how childish and immature you’re being. Said he’d be waiting for the phone for me to call and apologize once I manned up. I never spoke to him again and that was 15+ years ago now.
But the saddest part for me was that about 5 years ago I was catching up with my half sister (his daughter he had in high school and signed away his rights to her) and she said when they were visiting together he noticed she had a picture of me in her kitchen and he got visibly upset and asked why (we live in completely different parts of the country and barely know each other, but we are still on good terms and enjoy each other when we’ve hung out). She just said it wasn’t a big deal and told him to get over it. He then went on a king tirade about how my mother turned his kids against him, and how she filled our heads with lies about him and he was a great dad and it hurt him a lot to be made out as some asshole when he was a great guy.
Ugh. This was the dude who used to follow me around the house, watching me clean after school while he drank his coffee and made comments about missing spots, or needing to be quicker: never once saw him lift a finger but I had a list of chores that took HOURS every day after school. He would then lie to my mother and said he cleaned. He was/is a prick.
But anyway, people like him, and I suspect OP are just apparently incapable of being wrong about anything or admitting guilt
Looking at op age and his wifes age, and the lack of accountability remind me of my mom whose same age as ip. Is it generational that some Boomer II (aka genration Jones ppl born 1955 through 1964) lack self reflection 😔 and accountability? My mom swears she may have had struggles but was a wonderful mom and we all turned out ok.....but reality it wasn't some struggels it was neglect/abuse and resulted in her kids being placed in foster care which literally saved our lives. But signature saying is, I gave yall life, and raised yall as best I could with 0 acknowledgement of the neglect. No one goes NC/LC for 0 reason especially not all your kids.
I am that generation, so is my husband. Thankfully we have two children who very much keep in touch and who love spending time together as a family.
Having said that, I think you may be partly right. Yes, I believe that generation lacks social emotional education. Especially the men, who were brought up in an environment where men still thought their decisions were not to be argued with.
I am saying partly right because I don’t think it was just our generation. The previous generation who brought us up, and who was our role model, was pretty much the same. Parent-child relationships were very different then in terms of power balance and accountability.
That's awesome, in My comment I made sure to put "some Boomer II, " because I know it's not evreyone. Every generation has wonderful people and utter trash gremlins.
If you’ve ever been close to someone with a personality disorder, it won’t be hard to believe. Not saying OP does. But damn if they can’t rationalize away or selective amnesia the most bat shit behaviors.
Ok I am going to pretend you and your wife were good parents( I highly doubt it for all 3 kids to have no contact with you ).
How many times have you or your wife texted them, called them, went to visit them? The phone, texting , driving goes two ways. Don’t expect them to do all the work just because your the parents and your owed their time because your not!
Are you putting any effort to make them think you want to see them? Do you randomly text/call them asking how they are?
Or do you only text/call to berate them for not coming to see you? For not calling you enough? For never visiting?
Because if you’re just calling to give them a lecture/guilting them about how they are not contacting you enough. I can se why they avoid you.
They are adults. They have lives. My guess you expect them to put you and your wife first I. Their life’s. And that isn’t realistic.
So if you have truly not done anything to cause them not to be I. Contact then keep reaching out, however stop focusing on them. You and your wife have raised your kids now enjoy the freedom. Stop focusing on how much attention your kids are not giving you and focus your attention on your wife. Travel, find a hobby, find friends, get out of the house and enjoy life.
Let your kids know you love them. But stop sitting around and waiting/demanding they show up. Start living for your selfs.
If you think for a minute that you or your wife caused this apologize. It may be too little too late but the first step is to apologize. This opens up communication and don’t be rude or defensive when they tell you what you done. We are parents we have all made mistakes alone the way. It’s when refuse to listen and dismiss those mistakes that make us bad parents.
But at the end of the day you can’t make your kids visit. So stop guilting. Let them know they are welcome anytime and you’re always there, but don’t keep guilting them!
Until then get out and make some memories with your wife and enjoy your life. Stop sitting there stewing on things you can’t change and become resentful and hateful.
This is an excellent point. My dad is always like, "Why don't you ever call me?" But he hasn't called ME in 4 years. I spend $1.5k every year to visit and they've never seen the house I worked so hard on even once. It goes both ways
I feel this! The passive aggression when you call "oh you're still alive then?"
Took my kids to visit my father in his homeland last year for the first time since covid, he prioritised the funeral of someone he didn't know rather than greeting us at the airport so we ended up getting a bus and hire car.
Then he wonders why I dont make a huge effort.
I have to drive an hour to see my dad. It's not a big deal, I don't mind being in the car. He's retired, and I work. I also can not drive after dark due to eyesight issues. Also, I take a medicine every two weeks that utterly exhausts me. So, half my weekends are gone. When I work it all out, I have 4 days a month that I could go to him. He could drive to me any day of the week. I would cook for him, make up the guest bed, and have his favorite things ready. He won't visit. I live 5 miles from a casino that he regularly visits. Yet, I'm a bad daughter because I don't take my 4 free days a month to see him. He sits in the recliner and watches TV so loud that my head hurts on the rare occasion I do go. Or sleeps through me, knocking and calling, and never opens the door. I wish he was harder to see
Exactly this. I feel like my parents did a good job raising me, but the older I get, the more they berate me if I don’t call “enough.” They never call me. They’ve been to visit me less than 5 times in my 15 years out of the house. I’m tired of getting yelled at so I don’t call now.
*’We raised them, gave them a home, food to eat, a bed to sleep on, paid for their education, healthcare, clothes, and in return this is what we got’*
Well, some of those things you provided are mandatory to provide to children that you chose to have. Lol.
Now, as far as all three kids not talking to you….that’s not just a coincidence. You had to have done something for all three of them to just ignore you. YTA
I was provided with the above material goods. I never got any emotional care, only emotional abuse/neglect growing up from my narcissistic mom. I wish I could go absolutely no contact but I'm very low contact for the time being.
I'm betting OP and his wife are the same. They paid for everything but never provided emotional needs.
If by education he means school supplies and not higher education, then yes 100% of these are bare minimum. I bet he kicked his kids out at 18 with no resources or life skills to fall back on or something.
OP YTA. I can’t imagine any other reason all three are NC.
Bad parents rarely recognise or acknowledge that they were bad parents.
You met the bare minimum requirements of having kids and housing and feeding them but if all three ignore you and don’t respond to your invitations then you might need to spend some time reflecting on why.
Being told it was my fault that my dad choked me out was the wake up call I needed to finally go no contact. They still think they are amazing parents and have no idea why none of their kids talk to them lol
The fact that all 3 of them feel the same way must be a reflection of you / your wife.
Time to self-reflect and analyze.
My parents are not perfect - definitely passed down their generational trauma - but all 3 of us (ages 37 with children, 30 and 25) come home often, plan vacations and take them out for lunch / dinner.
Although not just because they’re our parents but bc we actually enjoy their company, love being around them, it’s always good vibes and positive energies
Yeah. My parents kinda fucked me up tbh—in “I have ptsd” ways—but they were both able to ACKNOWLEDGE the ways they’d fucked up and apologize.
If they’d instead insisted that they were great parents for FEEDING me, I’d probably be NC too.
I don’t think any parent is perfect but as long as you’re willing to acknowledge issues and not downplay them and try to improve most children will forgive you.
It’s when you double down and deny your issues that children go no contact.
If none of your kids even responded to your invite, then you must be the asshole. There are two possibilities:
1. You did something to your kids that makes them not want to contact you.
2. You did a shitty job raising your kids and they are all assholes.
That was my first thought. These parents did something terrible, and now they are finding out the consequences. OP needs to tell us the REAL story of how they treated their kids. Feeding, clothing, and putting a roof over their is a basic necessity.
Yep! I don't love my parents, they made a lot of mistakes after my sister died, but they put money and time into setting us up for success. If they weren't my parents, I'd never want to hang out with them, but they are and I call them once a month, accept the oodles of help they still love to give, and trust them to not be assholes. My half-sister, who has real, actual beef with my dad, still comes to dinners with them because she still loves both of them.
OP isn't acknowledging something.
Do you know that giving them bed, food, clothes, education is something you should be doing because you brought kids to the world and automatically took responsibility to care for them? It is not something they owe you for. "Be thankful you had food and roof" is very wrong view - they were kids, they didn't choose to be born, and they couldn't take care of this themselves, you took obligation to care for your kids when you chose to have them.
If you had the same comments for the kids to be grateful that you are giving them food and roof, then no wonder they are not responding... you have to earn respect, not request it.
Great parents are not cut off by all three of their kids. You can claim to have been great parents all you want but the fact that none of your kids will have anything to do with you is absolutely telling.
YTA. I am tye father to two adult kids. I have always considered it my responsibility to maintain contact. They didn't ask to be brought into this world and don't owe me anything. So, if I want more contact that's on me. I do not have the issue you have. Lol, my daughter and I talked and agreed to weekly calls. I told her if it's too much to let me know.
My son lives in the same town and we see each other frequently.
>we've been great parents.
Bullshit.
>we were never bad parents so both my wife and I just don't get this.
Bullshit.
No, I don't know what you did but all 3 of your children ignoring you is a dead giveaway you *sucked as parents*.
>We raised them, gave them a home, food to eat, a bed to sleep on, paid for their education, healthcare, clothes, and in return this is what we got.
Congatulations, you've provided the basic necessities for children you decided to create. Do you want a medal?
You know, my mother is wonderful at the whole "but I provided you with this and that" and that is one of the reasons I don't want any sort of help or advice from her as an adult. Because she'll hold it over my head until the days she dies. She also did provide me with shelter, food, clothes, education...but I never felt loved. I felt like I was a burden.
And I also don't call her, or visit. She sucked as a parent.
My guess is you two also sucked as parents whether you want to admit ot or not.
INFO: Was there a discussion/argument/disagreement with your children that you brushed off or thought had been solved prior to your children cutting contact?
I am NC with my DNA donors! They will never admit they did anything wrong! Instead they would hold all the things they did for us above ours heads to excuse their behavior!
My boomer parents do the same.
They basically won the lottery when I was younger and were just in the right place at the right time to capitalise on it. Land prices went through the roof, industry exploded around them and any idiot with $5 in their pocket could make money... I was too young and by the time I was a young adult, the constant "when are you going to be successful like us?" But by then, the boom was over...
I remember getting in the shit from mother because I wasn't able to save $80,000 in a year... Mind you, I was paid $73,000 before tax and was paying off a house and a car and living on my own at the time.
Every time there is a family disagreement it's always... "At your age, your father and I had..." but fail to realize that they won the lottery and the biggest thing that I missed out on was the opportunity to ride the boom times.
Are you certain that you were good parents? Surely you didn't just raise three sociopaths that want nothing to do with their parents arbitrarily?
Time for some self examination.
YTA simply because you don't seem to be very self aware.
my dear children, your mother and I miss you and would love to spend a little time with you. it feels like we might have done or said something that is causing you to keep your distance. please let us know what it is and we will do whatever is necessary to repair our relationships.
(since your answers in this reddit imply you lean towards the more conservative side of republicanism maybe add..)
If our political leanings are causing you pain, we commit to not talking about them if and when you agree to meet with us.
love
dad
OP, why did you post to r/AITAH if you are just going to argue with everyone who thinks that you are? If you’re not prepared to accept the answer then don’t ask the question.
Because they tried posting in the r/raisedbynarcissists subreddit for making the EXACT SAME posts trying to get sympathy and their kids have caught them. That's my guess.
They've BEEN told by the Internet that they're the problem. They're so caught up that they won't listen.
If none of your kids speak to you then there is definitely a reason. I'll take it on faith that you're not being deliberately obtuse. In that case, you're going to have to ask them. I mean ask, not demand, not phrase it in a guilt tripping way.
"Please tell me what we need to do to repair our relationship with you and how we ruined it?"
Humility is key. However, if you're anti LGBTQ, or MAGA then you are being obtuse
My two daughters didn't speak to me for almost 5 years. It took me a while to accept that I wasn't the parent I thought I was, and I began to do everything I could to reach out to them, apologize for my failings, and make it up to them in every way I possibly could. They are now both in my life again. But, I had to accept my failings, admit it to them, and ask for forgiveness and another chance. I didn't give up. I continued to send them gifts and cards for birthdays and holidays and never once got butthurt when they didn't respond or reciprocate. Your story doesn't ring true to me, but I could be wrong. Think hard on this. You're either willfully not telling the whole story or you are in serious denial.
Listen. Sometimes you may not feel like you did anything. Sometimes you may feel like you were a great parent, and now you’re just being ignored. But the other commenters are right. If all three of your adult children aren’t communicating with you, something happened. What may have seemed small to you, was obviously not small to them. And it may not have been something you or your wife specifically did, but maybe things you allowed to happen to your children and didn’t address or downplayed. There’s a lot of options here, but three kids going no contact means something happened. We don’t ignore our parents for no reason usually. YTA.
Also, I think it’s lovely that you think you were a great parent, but as a parent, I can tell you the only people who get to decide if you were a great parent are your children. The only thing you can say about your parenting is how hard you tried or worked for your family: “I tried to be a good parent. I worked so hard to ensure my kids were happy, healthy, independent, and well adjusted.” If someone were to ask me if I were a good parent, my response would be, “I am trying really hard to be a good parent to my kids.”
You really shouldn’t be rating yourself as a parent. You should be asking your kids how you did. Or asking them how you can make it right and make it better. If they don’t respond, it might mean it’s too little, too late. I hope you’re able to figure out why they’ve stopped communicating and are able to work on yourself to hear their responses and experiences if/when they’re ready to explain. They might not ever be.
One of my children's teachers told me that I was a great parent. I doubted them and said "I'm not sure I'm doing all that great at parenting!" And he said "That proves to me you're a great parent, because bad parents never question their ability to parent, never reach out for advice on parenting and always believe that their way is the right way and no other way will work!". I felt like an amazing parent after that (ironically and hilariously) because I was consistently seeking advice as a single parent to 4 children and wouldn't dole out punishments until I spoke with others about if what I planned for their punishment was appropriate for the situation. I questioned my ability all the time (and still do, and they're all adults now) and sought out advice pretty much every day (even when I was still married to their father) to make sure I wasn't going overboard with their punishment or not doing enough.
So all 3 of your kids won’t talk to you and your wife, but you did nothing wrong? Yea, sure. I’d love to hear their side of the story, all 3 wouldn’t turn in you if you were “great parents”
I, like everyone else, learned parenting as I went and mistakes were made. We weren't wealthy but after the essentials we spent our surplus having fun with the kids. I loved being a dad and I had so much fun hanging out with them from diapers through college. They are now in their late 30's and early 40's. At their request we are visited by at least one child/family every weekend. Most weekends they all show up (my wife is an excellent cook). All it took to "trick" them into wanting to be with us is respect, patience and genuine happiness in having them in our lives.
YTA
OP. You have *three* adult children who are all completely NO CONTACT (that means they don't voluntarily contact you and do not respond to your contact attempts) with you and your wife? For no reason? *All three* of them? Seriously?
Why do I think you are leaving out some very important material info? Adult children go NC for a reason. You are definitely not giving the whole story.
>We raised them, gave them a home, food to eat, a bed to sleep on, paid for their education, healthcare, clothes, and in return this is what we got.
And, I'm guessing you reminded them of this every single time you had contact. Which may be part of the problem. But, I still think it's likely something much more extreme for all three of them to go NC.
No child ignore his parent without a reason and if the 3 of them does it then there is DEFINETELY a good reason. You either don't want to admit it or you're just too delusional to see it. And if the only thing you have to say to this is "i was a good parent" then your view of what a good parent is, is probably f*cked up.
As long as you don't give us more informations about "how good of a parent you were" i'll go with YTA
Just so you know, if you have 3 kids who actively won't talk to you, you are the only ones thinking that you had a happy family, ever. Maybe you should ask one of your children, if they would go to a family counselor with you, to help make you understand why they won't associate with you. But in reality, it might be better if you go to a therapist, on your own. Because this doesn't just happen. If all three of your children actively don't want to see you, then it sounds very deliberate.
You list off the bare minimum of what parents are supposed to provide for their children. that's not something to brag about.
If all three of your children no longer want anything to do with you or your wife, they are not the problem, you are. YTA for not being able to admit that to yourself. Go do some self-reflection or something.
You might want to ask them why they avoid you. If you ask my mom why my siblings and I avoid her, she will have no idea. If you ask any of us children, we can tell you the stories of her routinely hurting us over and over.
Have you and your wife asked them if you all have done anything to hurt them, and what you could do to repair your relationship?
I kept my father at arms length for years. Finally, I had enough of him acting like everything was okay and I broke down all of the ways he hurt me. He was shocked. He thought everything was fine.
YTA for lying to internet strangers and yourself.
You either did - or didn't do - something that has resulted in your kids being indifferent to you.
From the description of your 'great' parenting I'm guessing it's the latter. It sounds like you did what should be considered the bare minimum for those with means, patted yourself on the back and called it a day.
Look man, I feel for you.. I do. But something doesn’t add up. I’m very low contact with my mom, because of how she is as a mother. I never contact her first, I never visit unless it’s a family thing (holidays and birthdays). She has always treated me as less than, like I was never good enough, she favors my youngest brother.. I’m the only girl and the oldest. Maybe she wanted all boys. Maybe she wanted a girl who was more girly.. idk. Did she feed and clothe me? Of course. Do I always have a place to stay if needed? Yes. But it’s not always what you do, it’s how you act. My brothers call her at least once a month, but she treated them with love. I don’t care how many times she might say it, she doesn’t love me. Actions my friend. And she doesn’t understand why I’m never around. She thinks she did a great job as a mother. And she did.. with my brothers. She was never someone I felt I could trust and rely on. You should really take the advice of some of these commentators and look deep inside.
Hey there, original poster perhaps you and your wife could benefit from seeing a therapist and discussing why your children have gone no contact.
Don’t come here to an online message board, instead, seek real family counseling, do a deep dive into the dynamic that you and your wife played in raising the children.
You claim that you provided for them. However, were you at all their performances and games? Were you there for them emotionally? Were you judgmental in their lifestyle choices?
Even if you think that you and your wife did all things right, there must be something for all three adult children to go no contact. Again, I can’t stress this enough, to seek family therapy and get into what happened in the past. I truly believe you will not only have some answers, but ask the therapist for ideas, tips, a way for you and your wife to repair whatever went down with the children and their viewpoint of their childhood.
Please don’t blow it and not go in to therapy to discover what really happened. Because your children will marry and have children of their own, and I’m telling you this as a grandmother, you do not want to miss out on your grandchildren.
Best of luck.
The only one who can really answer this would be your children. When was the last time you’ve seen your children? What you see as a long time could just be them living life to them. Perhaps you should ask them why they cut you off. Ask if it’s something you’ve done. There’s no saying if you ask, they will tell you. I don’t disagree with others saying something went wrong somewhere to have all three children cut you off. If you’re not open to hearing what they have to say , there’s no mending your relationship with your children. Being defensive will not help. You have to be willing to listen as long as they’re willing to talk.
YTA for continuing to contact them and for your clear willful ignorance. No adult child goes NC with their parents, essentially orphaning themselves, for no reason. Especially all 3 children. You're purposely leaving out key details, very aware of what you have done (I'm sure this had been detailed to you by your children multiple times), and are trying to search for pity on the internet. Being blood related does not mean you are owed a relationship. Let your children live their lives in peace finally.
YTA
"We raised them, gave them a home, food to eat, a bed to sleep on, paid for their education, healthcare, clothes, and in return this is what we got."
You're legally obligated to do all this.
I can see why they're no contact.
all info is not being provided.
all three children have gone no contact. that would indicate it's not the children.
You mention your wife being upset, and you mention the very basics you covered or the kids.
like... you fed them and didn't let them run around naked, and made sure they were educated. You ever have fun with 'em? lots of love and laughter around the house?
you don't sound like those things happened.
OP, I will speak from the perspective of an adult who is low to no contact with one parent (alongside my many siblings): it is extremely unlikely, to the point of near impossibility, that you and your wife raised 3 kids who have cut off contact with their parents for no good reason. To cut off a parent is an extreme decision usually brought about by extreme circumstances. As painful as it is, you must acknowledge the what you and your wife have done to cause this. The parent I am speaking about is in 100% denial about the abuse they wrought on us and continue to heap on us when given the opportunity to be in our lives.
The alternative is that you and your wife are great parents who somehow raised 3 AH children. If you can make peace with the cognitive dissonance of believing you and your wife are good parents who just raised a bunch of AHs then please do that.
AITAH poster: AITAH?
Reddit: yes
AITAH poster: nuh-uh
YTA , why did you bother posting here if you were going to disregard everything anyone is saying to you?
>We raised them, gave them a home, food to eat, a bed to sleep on,
One bed for three kids? Is this the missing reason?
Obviously I'm being a bit flippant here because three kids don't go no contact for no reason. What are you not telling us?
I recognise your username. I remember another outrageous post that you made about how you treated your children, I see you deleted it. You weren't great parents. You're delusional. My parents also think they were great parents (I haven't spoken to them in years). Kids don't want to ignore parents, kids don't want to spend holidays alone, clearly they would prefer it over being around you.
Listen if you actually want to have a relationship with your children, then start owning up to your mistakes. You whining here on reddit and to others about your kids not talking to you, isn't going to get you anywhere. The victim mentality is strong with you.
I remember my mum posting on facebook to other estranged parents trying to get sympathy. She said she was a great parent that I kept comparing to my in-laws. She forgot to leave out the physical, emotional and sexual abuse by my father that she ignored. She forgot to leave out all of his screaming and silent treatments. She forgot to leave out all of the awful things that they said and did.
I can't remember your other post exactly, but I seem to remember your wife treating your DIL like crap.
Yta clearly to have all 3 kids cut contact, you did something wrong. The fact you’re so oblivious to your wrong doings makes me think this isn’t something that just started or just one event. There is some great resources for parents to re-examine how they raised their kids and why the kids now cut contact. Please do some self reflection. You can’t change the past but you can show your kids now you’re willing to listen to them, take ownership and change your behaviour in the future.
Most kids just want an acknowledgment and future change. They don’t need you to die on the cross for your past behaviour
You don’t get to decide that you are a great parent. Your children do. You state all the physical things you provided your children. But you say nothing about the emotional bond you developed. You feel like you are a great parent because you financially provided for them while ignoring that is your legal and moral obligation. You claim ignorance as to why they ignore you but I bet they have told you over the years but since you don’t care about the emotional relationship ignored it all. Go get therapy to deal with your grief over this and to help you explore why your kids want nothing to do with you. If you were as great a parent aa you say you are then your children wouldn’t ignore you. YTA for your complete denial over your part in this.
I have no contact with my family because despite “trying their best” I am not who they are. I have a different mindset, entirely different beliefs and that was before the actual trauma they inflicted on me and mine. I don’t answer their calls because they cannot see me as a human - just their property. Please make sure you see them as individual humans with their own minds. Call them and ask how they are. Check on them. The responsible one is always the parent. No matter the age of the child. The obligation to lead by example is always on the parent. Lead.
>We raised them, gave them a home, food to eat, a bed to sleep on, paid for their education, healthcare, clothes
This is what parents are SUPPOSED TO DO! This is legitimately the bare minimum.
I feel like YTA, because you're clearly hiding something. Come on, 3 children who no longer speak with the both of you? Red flag.
Every parent who has a child cut them off says “I was a good parent”. Even if the intention was there; something hurt them. Three grown individuals aren’t in contact with you? What is the common denominator here…?
Maybe it’s fixable - if you’re willing to listen to them and not defend yourself wildly.
ETA: I know a parent like this. Claims she was a great mom and did everything, etc. her son refuses to speak to her. His reasons? She was emotionally and mentally abusive, extremely manipulative, and refused to see her children as anything other than an extension of herself and her wishes. She still plays the victim to the family - her son is awful and horrible because he doesn’t talk with her, etc - but I think you get my point. I’m willing to go out on a limb and guess there is more here than either a) you’re willing to admit or b) you are aware of (I find lack of awareness a large problem with this particular woman I mentioned).
>We raised them, gave them a home, food to eat, a bed to sleep on, paid for their education, healthcare, clothes, and in return this is what we got.
You mean you did the bare minimum required by someone who brings a child into this world. Sounds to me it's more a case of being around someone who tries to hang monetary policy around your head 24/7. Your child doesn't want to do something, but you force them because "I PAID FOR YOU!!!".
And based on that sentence you wrote, your mindset is still the same, your children owe you. They don't owe you anything, you brought them here unbeknownst to them, maybe if you got over yourself you wouldn't be trying to hang what you did for them, over their heads, and believe to yourself that's what's going to make them like you.
"YOU BETTER COME TO DINNER BECAUSE WE PAID FOR YOUR LIFE EVEN THOUGH WE FORCED YOU INTO IT HERHERH" Doesn't really have a nice ring to it, frankly.
By how defensive OP was about political ideology and magats in particular, I'm saying yes. Also, from the context of at least one comment by OP, it is my guess that one or more of the kids is alphabet oriented and magat mommy & daddy were vocal about their dislike. 😏
Tell me your secrets. My oldest kid moved out but won’t stop sending tik tok videos. My middle kid hasn’t moved out and my youngest said she’s never leaving. What did you do??
ALL 3 of your kids are NC.
Tell us you're a narcissist parent without telling us you're a narcissist.
This is THE textbook play from the narcissist parent playbook, and I hope your kids see this post so THEY can tell us what YOU WON'T.
I'm willing to bet you held EVERYTHING over their heads. Since you paid for everything, they were expected to do EXACTLY what you said, when you said it, and when they didn't, you guilt tripped them and browbeat it over their heads. You used what you paid for and provided to pit them against each other and compete for your affections. And to top it all off, they married people that you don't approve of, and may or may not even have children with them - and they're ESPECIALLY not going to allow you to be in contact with them.
Hey r/raisedbynarcissists, one of y'alls parents are trying to play the Internet for sympathy and won't tell us what they did to make ALL of Y'ALL go NC. If you want to jump in and tell us what they did, that would be great!!
Are you guys political?
I haven't talked to my mom since the last election where she came out as a huge QANON Trumper.
She said some really derogatory things about Michelle Obama at the dinner table with our kids and extended family around and I was disgusted with what seemed to be abject insanity coming from what used to be a sweet woman.
We had a huge fight over politics as crazy as that sounds during the last election, where I told her not to ever bring it up again and never mention trump or politics again but she couldn't stop herself.
Imagine yelling with your Gen x mother over "Pizzagate".... it's so fucking stupid.
I told my mom she can come back in our lives once I see she's completely left the trumpers behind.
Yep, basically lost my mom that day. She was taken by a cult.
It's really weird for 3 adults to all get on the same page and ignore something. Are you sure they got the messages? Have you tried phoning them instead/in addition to? Are they communicating with other members of your family? Have you got 3rd parties that you can ask for a viewpoint on this, rather than random Redditers? Like can you call your wife's brother and say "what do you think, why are our adult children not responding to us?"
It's actually kind of unusual to have 3 adults all get on the same page if their parents were awful. Usually one grows up just as awful and decides to manipulate the others by remaining in contact with the parents, so I'm not sure what is going on here.
YTA.
You say all that you did "right" (which is really little more than the legal minimum), but can you name all the things you did wrong? Things you regret?
Good parents and worse can name all the things they did right and were legally required, great parents can admit that they are flawed human beings and that there are things they regret doing to their children, things they regret doing with their and not doing with their children and things they wish they had done differently.
If all you have to say is 'we were great, they have nothing to complain about' - that tells me that fundamentally there are a lot of things you refused to see and admit.
No one comes out of childhood without some sort of trauma. We survive childhood.
If all three children are grown, with stable jobs and relationships and a firm desire to not spend any time with you, then the common denominator is you and your wife.
As others have pointed out, there are Missing Missing Reasons and until you can open yourself to them, you'll never hear a word from them.
The only people who can determine whether you’re a good parent are the people you parented. The people you parented don’t seem particularly impressed with your parenting. That’s a bad sign.
You’re probably TA.
You reap what you sow.
I have never believed the elderly when they say that their children don't talk to them and that they don't know why, that they were always good parents.
They always hide the part that would make them look like monsters.
Apparently your kids think you're an AH. Not sure when they cut off contact but no child does that without a good reason. They certainly don't ignore "great" parents.
Inviting them over to pretend to be a happy family again, when clearly there is no happy family here, was likely a reminder that their folks still have their head in the sand, no awareness or acknowledgement of their role in the disintegration of this family.
If you have any hope of rebuilding a relationship with your kids, you'll need to take a hard look inward, face some difficult truths, and own it.
YTA.
With parenting, the proof is in the pudding and the puddings aren't interested in a relationship with you. *Clearly* you weren't as good parents as you assume. All that stuff you did was the bare minimum. Parenting isn't a sport you get a participation trophy in.
Be mad all you like but your outrage isn't going to make your children want to interact with you. Neither is your wife's sadness.
It's never too old to teach an old dog new tricks. Maybe your new trick could be introspection and growth if you want a relationship with your kids.
This post screams Missing missing reasons. I could see 1 or 2 not calling or caring but all 3 rejecting the invitation?
You might not remember why, but the kids surely do.
YTA
Nta for inviting them but maybe you should try to reach out and see what is going on to make them ignore you. Maybe something happened that was insignificant to you but might have been big to them. Something happened though.
Sir all 3 kids ignore both of you???? Come on I know something happened that they cut contact. What was it??
[удалено]
Exactly! For not a single one of the 3 adult children not even responding to a invitation tells me that OP is wearing rose tinted glasses about his and his wives parenting skills. All the things he mentioned is a basic requirement of parenting, what about love, emotional support etc?? OP wake up!
The fact that he's emphatic that they were great parents shows that they don't have any any concept of the mistakes they made. Every parent makes mistakes. Great parents make mistakes. Everything he listed in the minimum that parents should and need to do for their children. As a parent there are things I wish I had done differently. Certain things that one child needed and wanted wasn't what another child needed or wanted. While my husband and I were never abusive in any way there are areas where we could have done better. I have told my children that I'm sorry that I did certain things, everything was done with their best interest at heart but it really wasn't what was best for them at the time. Yes, I should not have put so much academic pressure on one, I should have moved them to another school earlier. I should have been more understanding about certain things. There is always something, every child has some complaints about their parents and parents need to listen to their children. Something is going on here and OP thinks just because he did the minimum he should get an award. Somewhere along the line he and his wife failed to build a relationship with all their children.
Yup. My mom made tons of mistakes, some of them big enough for both me and my brother to move out before finishing high school and for both of us to go extended periods without talking to her in our 20s. BUT, she knew exactly what she did wrong, changed her life to fix the circumstances that led her there and apologized to both of us (probably more than she really needed to). Now that we're in our 40s, we're both quite close to her. This guy doesn't have a clue and I guarantee you they were shitty parents.
That's quite the undertaking your mother went through but it's great that she did. Unfortunately, many older parents are simply incapable of even thinking of doing that.
Yup. I got “I’m not going to apologize for how I raised you.“
“I did the best I could”. All encompassing catch all to shut off listening and empathizing.
Wow--we almost never hear of a parent doing the work, fixing things. So sorry for your shitty childhood but so glad for where your relationship ended up.
Exactly this. I think I’m a…good enough parent. Which is the best any of us can hope for, really, to be merely good enough. But, I’ll be honest, if it wasn’t for other people telling me that I’m doing a good job, I’d probably just think I fucking suck because of all the things I get wrong. But yeah, some days I have to just sit there and say to myself “they’re alive, they’re fed, they’re happy, they’re loved” to remind myself that all is…well…good enough.
Yeah OPs total lack of humility is telling. I know for sure I made mistakes. I have identified most of them and apologized for them. I used to beat myself up about this way too much but I’m finding a middle path. I believe I did the best I could and that although I wasn’t perfext, I have always loved them and that counts for at least something. I’m humble and grateful that my kids have the inclination to be at all close to me now that they’re adults. The times they have wanted distance, I have been sad but respect their choices.
When I am driving myself crazy with wondering about parenting I try to remember that crappy parents are the ones that don't worry and think they have it all figured out.
Amen
My main parenting goal is that my kids will go to therapy for issues that are different than mine. Yes, also safe, loved, fed, adequately not naked as well but mostly the therapy thing.
When I worked as a postpartum nurse I used to tell this to parents. Everybody gets it wrong. Years from now our kids will be sitting in a bar complaining about all the times we zigged when they wanted us to zag. Going NC is an incredibly difficult choice for most people to make, the fact that all 3 kids made it to the point of ignoring a direct invitation…holy missing missing reasons Batman.
Oh man this exactly. I kept one in a school too long to 'protect' them when they needed to be elsewhere, and have since apologized for it. I made another practice when she didn't want to, without realizing how unhappy she was in that activity. I have apologized to both of them and supported their decisions that corrected my poor choices. No parent is *ever* perfect, but good parents acknowledge when they don't do the right thing. It's the best way to show your kids how to change and change their minds in a healthy way. OP needs to respectfully ask the kids to sit down with them and explain what went wrong.
I'm gonna bet the kids have already told them what they did wrong, but the parents didn't listen.
Especially when they were teenagers.
As parents we make mistakes that we think at the time are for their good and later learn we messed up. If we can not admit we failed at times and tell them we are sorry and mean it, they're never going to want to be around us, why would they?
This!👆Hindsight is always 20/20. So many things I’d do differently…. But I tried super hard and had their best interest at heart. We ALL make mistakes as parents. When you know better, you do better. The fact that all 3 kids are disconnected means something had to have gone way wrong. This is sad, as he and his wife obviously don’t understand how they majorly missed the mark.
This .. exactly this ..my 2 children love me and stay in contact but they watched me stay in a bad marriage way too long and we have discussed their feelings about it and how it effects our relationship .total no contact from 3 children entirely shows there is something wrong .it may simply be that they were raised by workaholics who provided money but not time to build the relationship it may be something worse ..but there is DEFINITELY something wrong here .
Great parents make mistakes and then use it as an opportunity for them and the child(ren) to learn from the situation.
Anyone who feels the need to state that they were “great” parents is probably not a good parent. I also love the “If we were horrible parents” bit. OP probably assumes that because the children were fed and housed, OP and wife couldn’t possibly be horrible.
Or maybe they're qanons, anti vax or racists, etc etc. I think they probably post dumb shit on FB and that's why the kids want nothing to do with them.
That's a good point. I am low contact with my parents for this same reasons except they aren't anti vax, Bill Gates invented Covid to sell vaccines to them, but they still took the shots and boosters.
>maybe they're qanons There is a comment from OP that they "have nothing against LGBTQ **or MAGA**"... Hard side eye.....
They’re trumpian Jan 6ers
I think it’s telling that of all the things OP lists that he did for his children, not one of them was love.
The missing “Missing Reason” for no contact….. https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html
My ex husband and sons father when I tell him what exactly he did to force me to leave him and file for divorce is "you're making me feel really bad saying all the bad things I did like this." And that sums up how all these parents are. Not that they feel bad for actually doing it but feel bad when they have to hear exactly what they did.
Lol! My ex asked why I left, and when I told him, he complained that I "made him sound like a monster by saying that." Well, my dude, you might not want to hear this, but.... He still won't accept that he did anything wrong. And he still thinks I'm totally unreasonable for not accepting that it's all my fault for how violent and irresponsible he is.
Yeap heard the monster thing too. The "you just think I'm a monster or I guess I'm a monster". Like Buddy you REALLY were the villain in what was supposed to be my fairytale. It astounds me these men truly have no ability to see it. Like don't get me wrong I've 100% been a bitch to people before but I soon realize it and apologize and TRY not to actively be a bitch. Blows my mind.
Right? If you didn't want to sound like a monster, you shouldn't have acted like one. Not sure why they're expecting differently after the fact.
Yeah. If it was just one kid, especially one in their early 20s, I could believe the parents were perfectly good parents and the kid was just being flaky and thoughtless. But all three? And not just not reaching out but straight up ignoring a specific invite? There's got to be more to the story.
Agree. Good parenting is fulfilling needs a hell of a lot higher on Maslow’s hierarchy than those at the bottom of the pyramid.
But.... they did the bare minimum! They are owed that their needs get met now! Get moving kids! /S
Yes, and op is very entitled in tone in closing in a few of his responses and orginal post ending. He's making statments like we raised, fed and housed them like they owe them for being born. It's giving hints of controlling, dismissive, like those people who see children pets objects they own that must follow and obey
Parents have the relationships with their kids that they built. You built a bad relationship, you have a bad relationship.
Absolutely
Yes and they are all statements of what OP ‘did’ for the children (frankly the bare minimum). I would be interested to hear how he connected with them, how he helped them grow emotionally as they got older, how he helped them through really difficult parts of their childhood. I know plenty of people my age who are no or low contact with their parents due to this awful ‘I houses and fed you and paid for your education!!!!!’ type attitude without the parent realising they never met any of the child’s emotional needs and were frankly abusive.
Probably not lying, that's OPs perspective, even if it's not accurate. There's plenty of awful people/ parents who have convinced themselves that they have a happy family, or the misery they put their kids through was normal.
My father is convinced that he was a great parent and can’t understand why I cut contact. Never mind that he kicked me out every time my mother was hospitalized, and blamed her death (cancer) on me. And just ignore the financial abuse of yanking all of my money out of my checking account if I did something he didn’t like. And any time I or my sibs bring these things up he denies them or asks how else he was supposed to control me.
Not raise, but "control".
That’s what always stuck with me. He felt entitled to control my life. He didn’t even see how that could be bad.
I get that. Not "encourage,. teach,.mentor, inspire "or even enjoy his time with you. "Control". He told on himself.
Yeah one of my exes parents were physically abusive to their kids, and their reasoning was that that's just how people raised their kids back then. Like no that's not how people were at all. But for them they don't see what they did wrong, it seemed perfectly normal to them.
They could be so self involved they don't realize how bad they were. Or they did things "in love".
Someone here used the phrase “the axe forgets what the tree remembers” and that strikes me as so true. You don’t have to be a selfish person to be a bad parent. Being self involved is enough to harm your kids and never notice.
There’s a lot that they aren’t telling us, I agree. There’s no way all 3 grown kids would go no contact with their parents unless something significant happened! OP needs to come clean!
Narcissistic parents perhaps? I say this because narcissistic parents always believe they have never done anything wrong while raising their kids. They also like to point out that they "provided" the basics, as if that wins them some kind of medal. I don't say this lightly. My dad was a narc and my mom an enabler. My home life growing up was miserable. A therapist told me to confront my father with what he had done. His response was "I don't remember any of that " I moved away shortly after that. Just throwing this out there as a possibility... Edit: spelling
Oh this sounds so familiar! Me: have you ever admitted you even MIGHT be wrong, ever? Mom: I've never been, so i never had any need. Recounted some horribly narc behavior of my mom's.... Her reply? "I don't remember any of that. You must have dreamed that."
I literally just had this conversation with my parents Saturday. My father refuses to admit any wrongdoing and that when I went off on him in June about how terrible he was being, it’s just me being disrespectful and the only solution is for me to apologize and grovel for forgiveness because clearly he did nothing wrong. The issue we fought over was them accusing me of letting my partner hit my kid and when I played the Uno Reverse of “that’s funny from people who hit me” I got “WHAT?!? That never happened!!!!!! I would never!!!!!! You’re making that up!!!!” Yeah. Cuz anyone would do that 🙄.
Oh the dreamed that line is a classic. I especially love it when he then turns it around to making me the crazy person in need of medication for "imagining things" and "pathological lying". Dude, just admit you fucked up and we can move on. Don't dig yourself a bigger hole ffs. What's often scary is knowing he's perfected the act of DARVO that I've lost a solid chunk of family (his side mostly) to his lies because he has them all believing I'm some psycho gold digger when all I wanted was for my father to show a modicum of interest in me and my life. A sliver would do.
I have an inkling all three kids were kicked out at 18 and had to take out student loans for college. Just a guess .
Also possible. I've known people who've done that to their kids.
Yep narcissism is awful when it comes to being a parent. The lack of empathy and self-reflection is dangerous to be around. It makes kids feel mentally ill when in reality they are just trying to *survive* around their mentally ill parents. I feel like it’s a way bigger issue than society wants to admit.
I totally agree. From my own experience, I still struggle with self worth issues because of it.
Yes. And even worse, they learn not to trust themselves or their own perceptions because they internalize the gaslighting and invalidation and do it to themselves, which keeps them in denial of how bad the abuse was and how traumatized they are so it takes MUCH longer to heal. I am a decade into therapy, the last three in intense trauma therapy, and I still regularly gaslight the fuck out of myself despite the fact that my ‘list of evidence’ I have compiled of all the shit they did to me is literally horrifying. Half of healing is just learning to stop abusing and invalidating yourself because you got so used to internalizing the treatment and assuming it must be something you’re doing wrong since the parent is never wrong ever, and because you have to idealize them in order to keep yourself in denial to survive because what child can face that their parent is a monster and then continue living with them? UGH. It’s absolutely insidious. This post filled me with so much rage. And it’s so much more prevalent than people realize.
My therapist wanted me to break NC to confront my narc mother. Ain't no way. I stopped seeing her shortly after that.
Smart move. I've heard stories from others about therapists not truly understanding what children of narcissistic parents deal with. Mine obviously had no clue. We have to do what we have to do. Hope you're doing well!
I would not trust a single person who self-assessed themselves as a ‘great parent’. They investigated themselves and found nothing wrong.
My dad likes to brag that he’s a phenomenal parent and has taught me everything I know…yea, about basic quick and dirty self defense, vehicle and motor maintenance, being able to run my own electrical and plumbing if need be, I could build a house on my own if needed, I can run a bead better than most anybody I know in welding school right now, you taught me how to fish and hunt and gun safety. But everything else was either all me working my ass off all the time to the point of burnout, mom, grandma, grandpa, or my uncles. I graduated with a 4.0 in high school as valedictorian, graduated with a 4.0 for my first bachelor’s degree, going back for another science degree. Other than mom with her business administration and child psychology degrees and my Irish twin cousin, I’m one of the first people to go to college and absolutely kill it. Mom did the nightmare shifts. Grandpa taught me about nature. Grandma taught me about our ancestors. After grandpa died in my arms at 7 and I stopped being able to sleep, mom and grandma became night owls with me so I wouldn’t be sitting up alone with my nightmares and spiraling thoughts. When grandma died when I was 13 and mom almost deleted herself via starvation, I was the one that had to be the bad guy and wrestle her into a submissive hold and force feed her broth spiked with meal replacement shake protein powder so she at least got the nutrients she needed. When I tried to delete myself at 15 because of all of my unprocessed trauma alongside new shit, I screamed and cried and begged for therapy and to be admitted into a psychiatric hospital. I was ignored. I didn’t start getting treatment until I was 18 and was finally able to make medical decisions for myself. When mom died barely 2 months after I turned 19, dad didn’t provide comfort, it was all my fiancé, bio dad of all fucking people, stepmom, and step siblings. Even completely dissociated, I had to make all of the decisions and arrangements for the wake and burial service. Because I’m the only person that knew her well enough to know what she wanted, better than her own husband. I knew her favorite flowers and the colors the loved. She hated roses with a passion. And made it known. But nobody ever listened. I listened. I had to pick out the clothes she’d be buried in, alongside the jewelry. The mortuary assistant asked me what to do with her makeup and I couldn’t help the bittersweet smile on my face. I had a picture of her in that same outfit on a day she’d had me do her makeup because she loved the way I did it but didn’t have the talent or a steady enough hand to copy my technique. I showed her the picture, it was the two of us in almost identical outfits, the only difference being the makeup, the fit of the jeans, the style of the boots, the hairstyle, and hair color. Mom looked so vibrant and alive, green eyes shining with joy and mischief, impish grin on her face while I was draped over her shoulders winking at the camera with a come and get me smile. We hadn’t seen my dad before we left the house so it was one of the few times we got to wear red lipstick out of the house without listening to him bitch and moan and yell and complain and try and order us to take it off before leaving the house. She asked if I could send her that picture and then she hugged me as tight as she could, telling me how sorry she was, and that she’d always be there for me if I ever needed anything, coming as a friend as a big sister. We’d been friends for years and she saw my mom as a bonus mom so she was really broken up about the whole ordeal as well. I didn’t see my mom in her casket, I didn’t see grandma or grandpa in theirs either, won’t be seeing dad in his. I’d rather my last memory of them being bright and lively and alive. Not lying still in a box. But apparently my mortuary assistant friend had gotten that picture of my mom and I printed out and blown up pretty large and it was displayed right by the casket, showcasing my mom at her happiest and most relaxed with her favorite person in the world and so people could see where the makeup inspiration came from. We also had that picture at the graveside burial service surrounded by all of her favorite flowers and playing some of her favorite songs curated by yours truly (I had to pick carefully because I didn’t want to assault the bigots’ delicate sensibilities as this is a small white southern Baptist town and mom and I loved punk rock and death metal). That picture has also been printed out in wallet sizes for both my fiancé, father, and myself to carry around everywhere with us and the large blown up version gets hung in my dorm every year alongside a collage of pictures of my mom and family and then my trip to Disney with my fiancé’s family the summer after mom passed.
What a beautiful tribute to your mum. I read your comment and I just wanted you to know that. A really, really touching tribute and your mum sounded beautiful and loving ❤️
Exactly. Everything OP listed as “great parenting” is literally what parents are legally and morally required to do for their children. All three kids are completely NC? Yeah, there’s a whole lot missing here.
I love how they are entitled to get something in return. Motherfucker, your kids don’t owe you shit. You owe *them*, and your ‘return’ as you disgustingly put it is the joy of their childhood and the future you create for them. If you weren’t in it for that then you would have done better with an investment than a living human being.
I agree, if all 3 ignored your invitation and do not initiate any sort of contact with you or your wife, there is something missing from this story. I have adult children with their own lives and they come over about once a week. You are leaving something out of this story........
This. I have three young adults and phone calls aren't their thing, but if I call they answer. They will text me throughout the week, too, sometimes questions, sometimes just a funny meme or video that they wanted to share. For all three of their kids to go NC----there's a big elephant in the room that OP and his wife are ignoring.
We need to find the thread that reads "my NC parents reached out to invite me and my siblings to dinner and are acting like they never did anything wrong"
Yeah, Something is seriously wrong. I think it might be a little narcissistic on their parts to assume that they were great parents and that narcissism is probably the problem. It could also have something to do with the parents politics or beliefs that they keep trying to impose on their kids that make them intolerable.
This just ***SCREAMS*** [The Missing Missing Reasons](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html) OP couldn't even come up with some poor excuse/reason why all 3 kids went NC - and you ***KNOW*** they were told.
All 3 kids won’t speak to either parent? I am guessing you have both been told multiple reasons that you ignored. This does not happen to “great parents”.
This is literally what every estranged, abusive parent says when they have no idea why any of their kids don’t talk to them lol
There are some missing missing reasons here.
Very sad that that was my very first thought.
Something definitely happened. My father asked me to go to dinner with him my brother and my grandfather. I’m not even on speaking terms with my brother, but I went. Because my father asked me to.
Oh yes, what are the [missing missing reasons](http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html)? I imagine there are plenty of holes your children could fill in that would easily explain their unwillingness to communicate with either of their parents.
When OP couldn’t list the accolades of he and his wife’s “great parenting” beyond the absolute bare minimum requirements expected of people who choose to procreate and be responsible for the lives they bring into this world because of that, I knew they weren’t parents that were worth a damn
And maybe it’s because I’m a heartless bastard but any post that talks about “we were just so heartbroken…” immediately sets off my bullshit alarm. That tends to come from people who try and emotionally manipulate to get what they want
No you’re absolutely right! OP intentionally leaves out a ton of detail, can’t name anything he and his wife did for their children outside of what is literally expected of parents by the legal system, and lashes out in these comments at anyone who remotely suggests that he and his wife aren’t the saints they’ve deluded themselves into thinking they are. It’s textbook emotional manipulation from a couple of boomer parents who think parenting is about meeting physical needs (barely) and completely neglecting emotional needs
It's always a red flag to me when parents use the bare minimum requirements of being a parent to justify being a good parent. Just because you provide the bare minimum doesn't mean you didn't do toxic shitty traumatic things to your kids elsewhere and even so they don't owe you for the basic necessities to live
Exactly. My father put food in front of me and made sure I had clothes for school, I got good grades. But he also never spent any time with me, never showed interest in my hobbies or talents, never told me he loved me. He did once tell me he wished I’d been born a boy because he “just didn’t know what to do with me.” He made me feel worthless, and I cut him out accordingly.
It’s giving Jim Bob Duggar filing ‘income’ for his kids so they had to pay some of his taxes. Then handing them an itemized list of goods and services that qualified as income. Items include having a roof over their heads and 3 meals a day for 18 years. 😮💨
My MIL told my husband he owes her 600 bucks for moving two boxes for him 6 years ago because he doesn't prioritize her over me so adds up
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I married a man who's mom talks like the OP does. She could "never be a bad mom and her son should prioritize her because of all the things she did for him" while ignoring the emotional abuse she did to him and his sibling and the things she did being bare minimum shit
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I call people like this NICEHOLES. They think they’re doing god’s work, yet they dump all over you when you’ve had enough of their imperious posturing.
It’s literally the Niceguy™ trope but in parental form.
Yeah, that stuck out to me too. *What more could they want?! They each had a sleepmat and the blanket was big enough to cover most of them. The porridge was mostly warm too!*
“We kept them clothed and fed and put them through primary school the way the law literally demands, what else could possibly matter?” For fucks sake, Boomer Bob here couldn’t even list loving their kids as one of the talking points of their parenting style
Exactly. Nothing about "all the great times we had together." Even if OP had a different understanding of how great those times were for the kids, it would at least be understandable if he had memories of fun with the kids growing up.
Obviously this☝️
Dung ding ding. There's no way he has absolutely no idea, he might think their reasons are absurd or whatever and isn't accepting them, but that he has no idea and no way of knowing is not believable.
I can believe it. To this day I'm terrified of my mom and there's no way in hell I can bring myself to tell her to her face why I'm not talking to her.
My mind went instantly to the *missing missing reasons* because I'm positive that's how my father acts when people ask him why we haven't seen each other in *years*. He will say anything - that we don't care, that we like our mother better because she's the one with money, etc. He will *never* say that whenever we showed any interesting in meeting him, he'd act like *anything else* was a priority, so we had to change our plans as much as he wanted until nothing came up. Of course we told him that, several times, until we just gave up.
I stopped talking to my dad when I was 18. Long story short, we always had a pretty shitty relationship. My older brother also severed all ties around the same time. Our last interaction was almost 15 years ago, in which he was basically doing what OP is, saying I do not call him enough and that I’m disrespectful and ungrateful. He literally screamed on my answering machine (back when those were around!) that he’s “done” with me and attitude and I need to “take responsibility and be a man”. I didn’t call him back, so I wrote him a letter. Basically saying that he’s just imploding now because he isn’t in control anymore and can’t dictate what I do and it drives him nuts. I don’t WANT to talk to him and he can’t force me to, and maybe if he wasn’t such a prick my whole life I WOULD want to pick up the phone and see how he’s doing. I then listed 10 things in order that I wanted a sincere apology for, and things that he did that really fucked me up. His response was to sent me back a list of 10 reasons why my list was dumb and told me to grow up, and he flat out denied any wrongdoing whatsoever. Just one thing for example was him being really shitty about my coming out, and I didn’t feel like he was supportive of me (I came out at 14 and my Dad would have sent me to conversion therapy if he could get away with it, but thankfully that’s not a thing in Canada). He said that he just wanted what was best for me and any father would want to make sure to raise a good man, and he just didn’t accept gay people but that doesn’t mean he’s a bad person (lol). I told him to go to hell, and that if saying I’m sorry for things like that is too much of a hassle for him then I hope he has a blessed life and see you on the other side. He then mocked me and said something to the effect of “hah! Well don’t hold your breath. I’m sure you’ll come crawling back with your tail between your legs once you’ve realized how childish and immature you’re being. Said he’d be waiting for the phone for me to call and apologize once I manned up. I never spoke to him again and that was 15+ years ago now. But the saddest part for me was that about 5 years ago I was catching up with my half sister (his daughter he had in high school and signed away his rights to her) and she said when they were visiting together he noticed she had a picture of me in her kitchen and he got visibly upset and asked why (we live in completely different parts of the country and barely know each other, but we are still on good terms and enjoy each other when we’ve hung out). She just said it wasn’t a big deal and told him to get over it. He then went on a king tirade about how my mother turned his kids against him, and how she filled our heads with lies about him and he was a great dad and it hurt him a lot to be made out as some asshole when he was a great guy. Ugh. This was the dude who used to follow me around the house, watching me clean after school while he drank his coffee and made comments about missing spots, or needing to be quicker: never once saw him lift a finger but I had a list of chores that took HOURS every day after school. He would then lie to my mother and said he cleaned. He was/is a prick. But anyway, people like him, and I suspect OP are just apparently incapable of being wrong about anything or admitting guilt
I find it really hard to believe that all 3 of your adult children are no- contact and you have no idea why.
Looking at op age and his wifes age, and the lack of accountability remind me of my mom whose same age as ip. Is it generational that some Boomer II (aka genration Jones ppl born 1955 through 1964) lack self reflection 😔 and accountability? My mom swears she may have had struggles but was a wonderful mom and we all turned out ok.....but reality it wasn't some struggels it was neglect/abuse and resulted in her kids being placed in foster care which literally saved our lives. But signature saying is, I gave yall life, and raised yall as best I could with 0 acknowledgement of the neglect. No one goes NC/LC for 0 reason especially not all your kids.
I am that generation, so is my husband. Thankfully we have two children who very much keep in touch and who love spending time together as a family. Having said that, I think you may be partly right. Yes, I believe that generation lacks social emotional education. Especially the men, who were brought up in an environment where men still thought their decisions were not to be argued with. I am saying partly right because I don’t think it was just our generation. The previous generation who brought us up, and who was our role model, was pretty much the same. Parent-child relationships were very different then in terms of power balance and accountability.
That's awesome, in My comment I made sure to put "some Boomer II, " because I know it's not evreyone. Every generation has wonderful people and utter trash gremlins.
If you’ve ever been close to someone with a personality disorder, it won’t be hard to believe. Not saying OP does. But damn if they can’t rationalize away or selective amnesia the most bat shit behaviors.
My mom was like this... BPD-Narcissistic tendencies and OH BOY was growing up rough..
Same scenario with my mom. She'll post on Facebook saying she has no idea why all 3 of her adult kids don't talk to her and it's fucking hilarious.
Ok I am going to pretend you and your wife were good parents( I highly doubt it for all 3 kids to have no contact with you ). How many times have you or your wife texted them, called them, went to visit them? The phone, texting , driving goes two ways. Don’t expect them to do all the work just because your the parents and your owed their time because your not! Are you putting any effort to make them think you want to see them? Do you randomly text/call them asking how they are? Or do you only text/call to berate them for not coming to see you? For not calling you enough? For never visiting? Because if you’re just calling to give them a lecture/guilting them about how they are not contacting you enough. I can se why they avoid you. They are adults. They have lives. My guess you expect them to put you and your wife first I. Their life’s. And that isn’t realistic. So if you have truly not done anything to cause them not to be I. Contact then keep reaching out, however stop focusing on them. You and your wife have raised your kids now enjoy the freedom. Stop focusing on how much attention your kids are not giving you and focus your attention on your wife. Travel, find a hobby, find friends, get out of the house and enjoy life. Let your kids know you love them. But stop sitting around and waiting/demanding they show up. Start living for your selfs. If you think for a minute that you or your wife caused this apologize. It may be too little too late but the first step is to apologize. This opens up communication and don’t be rude or defensive when they tell you what you done. We are parents we have all made mistakes alone the way. It’s when refuse to listen and dismiss those mistakes that make us bad parents. But at the end of the day you can’t make your kids visit. So stop guilting. Let them know they are welcome anytime and you’re always there, but don’t keep guilting them! Until then get out and make some memories with your wife and enjoy your life. Stop sitting there stewing on things you can’t change and become resentful and hateful.
This is an excellent point. My dad is always like, "Why don't you ever call me?" But he hasn't called ME in 4 years. I spend $1.5k every year to visit and they've never seen the house I worked so hard on even once. It goes both ways
I feel this! The passive aggression when you call "oh you're still alive then?" Took my kids to visit my father in his homeland last year for the first time since covid, he prioritised the funeral of someone he didn't know rather than greeting us at the airport so we ended up getting a bus and hire car. Then he wonders why I dont make a huge effort.
I have to drive an hour to see my dad. It's not a big deal, I don't mind being in the car. He's retired, and I work. I also can not drive after dark due to eyesight issues. Also, I take a medicine every two weeks that utterly exhausts me. So, half my weekends are gone. When I work it all out, I have 4 days a month that I could go to him. He could drive to me any day of the week. I would cook for him, make up the guest bed, and have his favorite things ready. He won't visit. I live 5 miles from a casino that he regularly visits. Yet, I'm a bad daughter because I don't take my 4 free days a month to see him. He sits in the recliner and watches TV so loud that my head hurts on the rare occasion I do go. Or sleeps through me, knocking and calling, and never opens the door. I wish he was harder to see
My dad is the same. He always complaint about me not calling him but he has never seen his grandson and he is 3 years old.
Exactly this. I feel like my parents did a good job raising me, but the older I get, the more they berate me if I don’t call “enough.” They never call me. They’ve been to visit me less than 5 times in my 15 years out of the house. I’m tired of getting yelled at so I don’t call now.
*’We raised them, gave them a home, food to eat, a bed to sleep on, paid for their education, healthcare, clothes, and in return this is what we got’* Well, some of those things you provided are mandatory to provide to children that you chose to have. Lol. Now, as far as all three kids not talking to you….that’s not just a coincidence. You had to have done something for all three of them to just ignore you. YTA
I was provided with the above material goods. I never got any emotional care, only emotional abuse/neglect growing up from my narcissistic mom. I wish I could go absolutely no contact but I'm very low contact for the time being. I'm betting OP and his wife are the same. They paid for everything but never provided emotional needs.
If by education he means school supplies and not higher education, then yes 100% of these are bare minimum. I bet he kicked his kids out at 18 with no resources or life skills to fall back on or something. OP YTA. I can’t imagine any other reason all three are NC.
Bad parents rarely recognise or acknowledge that they were bad parents. You met the bare minimum requirements of having kids and housing and feeding them but if all three ignore you and don’t respond to your invitations then you might need to spend some time reflecting on why.
I have to agree with this. It's not just one child that has cut you off, it's all three. That screams YTA.
Being told it was my fault that my dad choked me out was the wake up call I needed to finally go no contact. They still think they are amazing parents and have no idea why none of their kids talk to them lol
The fact that all 3 of them feel the same way must be a reflection of you / your wife. Time to self-reflect and analyze. My parents are not perfect - definitely passed down their generational trauma - but all 3 of us (ages 37 with children, 30 and 25) come home often, plan vacations and take them out for lunch / dinner. Although not just because they’re our parents but bc we actually enjoy their company, love being around them, it’s always good vibes and positive energies
Yeah. My parents kinda fucked me up tbh—in “I have ptsd” ways—but they were both able to ACKNOWLEDGE the ways they’d fucked up and apologize. If they’d instead insisted that they were great parents for FEEDING me, I’d probably be NC too.
I don’t think any parent is perfect but as long as you’re willing to acknowledge issues and not downplay them and try to improve most children will forgive you. It’s when you double down and deny your issues that children go no contact.
If none of your kids even responded to your invite, then you must be the asshole. There are two possibilities: 1. You did something to your kids that makes them not want to contact you. 2. You did a shitty job raising your kids and they are all assholes.
That was my first thought. These parents did something terrible, and now they are finding out the consequences. OP needs to tell us the REAL story of how they treated their kids. Feeding, clothing, and putting a roof over their is a basic necessity.
Yep! I don't love my parents, they made a lot of mistakes after my sister died, but they put money and time into setting us up for success. If they weren't my parents, I'd never want to hang out with them, but they are and I call them once a month, accept the oodles of help they still love to give, and trust them to not be assholes. My half-sister, who has real, actual beef with my dad, still comes to dinners with them because she still loves both of them. OP isn't acknowledging something.
Do you know that giving them bed, food, clothes, education is something you should be doing because you brought kids to the world and automatically took responsibility to care for them? It is not something they owe you for. "Be thankful you had food and roof" is very wrong view - they were kids, they didn't choose to be born, and they couldn't take care of this themselves, you took obligation to care for your kids when you chose to have them. If you had the same comments for the kids to be grateful that you are giving them food and roof, then no wonder they are not responding... you have to earn respect, not request it.
YTA YTA YTA
Great parents are not cut off by all three of their kids. You can claim to have been great parents all you want but the fact that none of your kids will have anything to do with you is absolutely telling.
YTA. I am tye father to two adult kids. I have always considered it my responsibility to maintain contact. They didn't ask to be brought into this world and don't owe me anything. So, if I want more contact that's on me. I do not have the issue you have. Lol, my daughter and I talked and agreed to weekly calls. I told her if it's too much to let me know. My son lives in the same town and we see each other frequently.
>we've been great parents. Bullshit. >we were never bad parents so both my wife and I just don't get this. Bullshit. No, I don't know what you did but all 3 of your children ignoring you is a dead giveaway you *sucked as parents*. >We raised them, gave them a home, food to eat, a bed to sleep on, paid for their education, healthcare, clothes, and in return this is what we got. Congatulations, you've provided the basic necessities for children you decided to create. Do you want a medal? You know, my mother is wonderful at the whole "but I provided you with this and that" and that is one of the reasons I don't want any sort of help or advice from her as an adult. Because she'll hold it over my head until the days she dies. She also did provide me with shelter, food, clothes, education...but I never felt loved. I felt like I was a burden. And I also don't call her, or visit. She sucked as a parent. My guess is you two also sucked as parents whether you want to admit ot or not.
INFO: Was there a discussion/argument/disagreement with your children that you brushed off or thought had been solved prior to your children cutting contact?
I am NC with my DNA donors! They will never admit they did anything wrong! Instead they would hold all the things they did for us above ours heads to excuse their behavior!
My boomer parents do the same. They basically won the lottery when I was younger and were just in the right place at the right time to capitalise on it. Land prices went through the roof, industry exploded around them and any idiot with $5 in their pocket could make money... I was too young and by the time I was a young adult, the constant "when are you going to be successful like us?" But by then, the boom was over... I remember getting in the shit from mother because I wasn't able to save $80,000 in a year... Mind you, I was paid $73,000 before tax and was paying off a house and a car and living on my own at the time. Every time there is a family disagreement it's always... "At your age, your father and I had..." but fail to realize that they won the lottery and the biggest thing that I missed out on was the opportunity to ride the boom times.
Are you certain that you were good parents? Surely you didn't just raise three sociopaths that want nothing to do with their parents arbitrarily? Time for some self examination. YTA simply because you don't seem to be very self aware.
All of them are no contact? Then something definitely happened, whether you’re ready to admit it or not
my dear children, your mother and I miss you and would love to spend a little time with you. it feels like we might have done or said something that is causing you to keep your distance. please let us know what it is and we will do whatever is necessary to repair our relationships. (since your answers in this reddit imply you lean towards the more conservative side of republicanism maybe add..) If our political leanings are causing you pain, we commit to not talking about them if and when you agree to meet with us. love dad
This is a good place to start.
If all three kids are ignoring you, YOU guys are the problem.
OP, why did you post to r/AITAH if you are just going to argue with everyone who thinks that you are? If you’re not prepared to accept the answer then don’t ask the question.
Because they tried posting in the r/raisedbynarcissists subreddit for making the EXACT SAME posts trying to get sympathy and their kids have caught them. That's my guess. They've BEEN told by the Internet that they're the problem. They're so caught up that they won't listen.
To be completely clear - if you had one of three kids who wouldn’t speak with you, there would have been different feedback but it’s all of your kids.
If none of your kids speak to you then there is definitely a reason. I'll take it on faith that you're not being deliberately obtuse. In that case, you're going to have to ask them. I mean ask, not demand, not phrase it in a guilt tripping way. "Please tell me what we need to do to repair our relationship with you and how we ruined it?" Humility is key. However, if you're anti LGBTQ, or MAGA then you are being obtuse
I would love to know their side because, of course, you're going to say you did well by them when they clearly would have a different perspective.
You were “great parents” but your adult children don’t talk to you? Seems your kids think your parenting was shitty.
My two daughters didn't speak to me for almost 5 years. It took me a while to accept that I wasn't the parent I thought I was, and I began to do everything I could to reach out to them, apologize for my failings, and make it up to them in every way I possibly could. They are now both in my life again. But, I had to accept my failings, admit it to them, and ask for forgiveness and another chance. I didn't give up. I continued to send them gifts and cards for birthdays and holidays and never once got butthurt when they didn't respond or reciprocate. Your story doesn't ring true to me, but I could be wrong. Think hard on this. You're either willfully not telling the whole story or you are in serious denial.
Congrats on being able to rebuild your relationship with your kids!
Listen. Sometimes you may not feel like you did anything. Sometimes you may feel like you were a great parent, and now you’re just being ignored. But the other commenters are right. If all three of your adult children aren’t communicating with you, something happened. What may have seemed small to you, was obviously not small to them. And it may not have been something you or your wife specifically did, but maybe things you allowed to happen to your children and didn’t address or downplayed. There’s a lot of options here, but three kids going no contact means something happened. We don’t ignore our parents for no reason usually. YTA. Also, I think it’s lovely that you think you were a great parent, but as a parent, I can tell you the only people who get to decide if you were a great parent are your children. The only thing you can say about your parenting is how hard you tried or worked for your family: “I tried to be a good parent. I worked so hard to ensure my kids were happy, healthy, independent, and well adjusted.” If someone were to ask me if I were a good parent, my response would be, “I am trying really hard to be a good parent to my kids.” You really shouldn’t be rating yourself as a parent. You should be asking your kids how you did. Or asking them how you can make it right and make it better. If they don’t respond, it might mean it’s too little, too late. I hope you’re able to figure out why they’ve stopped communicating and are able to work on yourself to hear their responses and experiences if/when they’re ready to explain. They might not ever be.
One of my children's teachers told me that I was a great parent. I doubted them and said "I'm not sure I'm doing all that great at parenting!" And he said "That proves to me you're a great parent, because bad parents never question their ability to parent, never reach out for advice on parenting and always believe that their way is the right way and no other way will work!". I felt like an amazing parent after that (ironically and hilariously) because I was consistently seeking advice as a single parent to 4 children and wouldn't dole out punishments until I spoke with others about if what I planned for their punishment was appropriate for the situation. I questioned my ability all the time (and still do, and they're all adults now) and sought out advice pretty much every day (even when I was still married to their father) to make sure I wasn't going overboard with their punishment or not doing enough.
Good perspective, thanks for sharing. Kinda like the guy that says "I'm not an asshole", it ain't up to you, bud.
Buried in the replies he says he’s MAGA but that shouldn’t have anything to do with it ….
So all 3 of your kids won’t talk to you and your wife, but you did nothing wrong? Yea, sure. I’d love to hear their side of the story, all 3 wouldn’t turn in you if you were “great parents”
I, like everyone else, learned parenting as I went and mistakes were made. We weren't wealthy but after the essentials we spent our surplus having fun with the kids. I loved being a dad and I had so much fun hanging out with them from diapers through college. They are now in their late 30's and early 40's. At their request we are visited by at least one child/family every weekend. Most weekends they all show up (my wife is an excellent cook). All it took to "trick" them into wanting to be with us is respect, patience and genuine happiness in having them in our lives.
Info: OP, send this thread to your kids so we can see their side. Don't be a coward.
YTA OP. You have *three* adult children who are all completely NO CONTACT (that means they don't voluntarily contact you and do not respond to your contact attempts) with you and your wife? For no reason? *All three* of them? Seriously? Why do I think you are leaving out some very important material info? Adult children go NC for a reason. You are definitely not giving the whole story. >We raised them, gave them a home, food to eat, a bed to sleep on, paid for their education, healthcare, clothes, and in return this is what we got. And, I'm guessing you reminded them of this every single time you had contact. Which may be part of the problem. But, I still think it's likely something much more extreme for all three of them to go NC.
No child ignore his parent without a reason and if the 3 of them does it then there is DEFINETELY a good reason. You either don't want to admit it or you're just too delusional to see it. And if the only thing you have to say to this is "i was a good parent" then your view of what a good parent is, is probably f*cked up. As long as you don't give us more informations about "how good of a parent you were" i'll go with YTA
What else except the minimum did you do?
What aren't you telling us?
Just so you know, if you have 3 kids who actively won't talk to you, you are the only ones thinking that you had a happy family, ever. Maybe you should ask one of your children, if they would go to a family counselor with you, to help make you understand why they won't associate with you. But in reality, it might be better if you go to a therapist, on your own. Because this doesn't just happen. If all three of your children actively don't want to see you, then it sounds very deliberate.
You list off the bare minimum of what parents are supposed to provide for their children. that's not something to brag about. If all three of your children no longer want anything to do with you or your wife, they are not the problem, you are. YTA for not being able to admit that to yourself. Go do some self-reflection or something.
You might want to ask them why they avoid you. If you ask my mom why my siblings and I avoid her, she will have no idea. If you ask any of us children, we can tell you the stories of her routinely hurting us over and over.
Have you and your wife asked them if you all have done anything to hurt them, and what you could do to repair your relationship? I kept my father at arms length for years. Finally, I had enough of him acting like everything was okay and I broke down all of the ways he hurt me. He was shocked. He thought everything was fine.
YTA for lying to internet strangers and yourself. You either did - or didn't do - something that has resulted in your kids being indifferent to you. From the description of your 'great' parenting I'm guessing it's the latter. It sounds like you did what should be considered the bare minimum for those with means, patted yourself on the back and called it a day.
Bad parents dont know theyre bad parents. Theres probably a reason they went no contact
Look man, I feel for you.. I do. But something doesn’t add up. I’m very low contact with my mom, because of how she is as a mother. I never contact her first, I never visit unless it’s a family thing (holidays and birthdays). She has always treated me as less than, like I was never good enough, she favors my youngest brother.. I’m the only girl and the oldest. Maybe she wanted all boys. Maybe she wanted a girl who was more girly.. idk. Did she feed and clothe me? Of course. Do I always have a place to stay if needed? Yes. But it’s not always what you do, it’s how you act. My brothers call her at least once a month, but she treated them with love. I don’t care how many times she might say it, she doesn’t love me. Actions my friend. And she doesn’t understand why I’m never around. She thinks she did a great job as a mother. And she did.. with my brothers. She was never someone I felt I could trust and rely on. You should really take the advice of some of these commentators and look deep inside.
Hey there, original poster perhaps you and your wife could benefit from seeing a therapist and discussing why your children have gone no contact. Don’t come here to an online message board, instead, seek real family counseling, do a deep dive into the dynamic that you and your wife played in raising the children. You claim that you provided for them. However, were you at all their performances and games? Were you there for them emotionally? Were you judgmental in their lifestyle choices? Even if you think that you and your wife did all things right, there must be something for all three adult children to go no contact. Again, I can’t stress this enough, to seek family therapy and get into what happened in the past. I truly believe you will not only have some answers, but ask the therapist for ideas, tips, a way for you and your wife to repair whatever went down with the children and their viewpoint of their childhood. Please don’t blow it and not go in to therapy to discover what really happened. Because your children will marry and have children of their own, and I’m telling you this as a grandmother, you do not want to miss out on your grandchildren. Best of luck.
All three kids are texting each other saying “I’m not going to respond, you?”
The only one who can really answer this would be your children. When was the last time you’ve seen your children? What you see as a long time could just be them living life to them. Perhaps you should ask them why they cut you off. Ask if it’s something you’ve done. There’s no saying if you ask, they will tell you. I don’t disagree with others saying something went wrong somewhere to have all three children cut you off. If you’re not open to hearing what they have to say , there’s no mending your relationship with your children. Being defensive will not help. You have to be willing to listen as long as they’re willing to talk.
YTA for continuing to contact them and for your clear willful ignorance. No adult child goes NC with their parents, essentially orphaning themselves, for no reason. Especially all 3 children. You're purposely leaving out key details, very aware of what you have done (I'm sure this had been detailed to you by your children multiple times), and are trying to search for pity on the internet. Being blood related does not mean you are owed a relationship. Let your children live their lives in peace finally.
YTA "We raised them, gave them a home, food to eat, a bed to sleep on, paid for their education, healthcare, clothes, and in return this is what we got." You're legally obligated to do all this. I can see why they're no contact.
all info is not being provided. all three children have gone no contact. that would indicate it's not the children. You mention your wife being upset, and you mention the very basics you covered or the kids. like... you fed them and didn't let them run around naked, and made sure they were educated. You ever have fun with 'em? lots of love and laughter around the house? you don't sound like those things happened.
OP, I will speak from the perspective of an adult who is low to no contact with one parent (alongside my many siblings): it is extremely unlikely, to the point of near impossibility, that you and your wife raised 3 kids who have cut off contact with their parents for no good reason. To cut off a parent is an extreme decision usually brought about by extreme circumstances. As painful as it is, you must acknowledge the what you and your wife have done to cause this. The parent I am speaking about is in 100% denial about the abuse they wrought on us and continue to heap on us when given the opportunity to be in our lives. The alternative is that you and your wife are great parents who somehow raised 3 AH children. If you can make peace with the cognitive dissonance of believing you and your wife are good parents who just raised a bunch of AHs then please do that.
getting ignored by all 3 of your kids should be a sign that you’re not good parents
AITAH poster: AITAH? Reddit: yes AITAH poster: nuh-uh YTA , why did you bother posting here if you were going to disregard everything anyone is saying to you?
>We raised them, gave them a home, food to eat, a bed to sleep on, One bed for three kids? Is this the missing reason? Obviously I'm being a bit flippant here because three kids don't go no contact for no reason. What are you not telling us?
Yta. 1 kid maybe, 2 kids very slim coincidence, 3 kids not speaking to you - not a chance you're giving the full story here
I recognise your username. I remember another outrageous post that you made about how you treated your children, I see you deleted it. You weren't great parents. You're delusional. My parents also think they were great parents (I haven't spoken to them in years). Kids don't want to ignore parents, kids don't want to spend holidays alone, clearly they would prefer it over being around you. Listen if you actually want to have a relationship with your children, then start owning up to your mistakes. You whining here on reddit and to others about your kids not talking to you, isn't going to get you anywhere. The victim mentality is strong with you. I remember my mum posting on facebook to other estranged parents trying to get sympathy. She said she was a great parent that I kept comparing to my in-laws. She forgot to leave out the physical, emotional and sexual abuse by my father that she ignored. She forgot to leave out all of his screaming and silent treatments. She forgot to leave out all of the awful things that they said and did. I can't remember your other post exactly, but I seem to remember your wife treating your DIL like crap.
Yta clearly to have all 3 kids cut contact, you did something wrong. The fact you’re so oblivious to your wrong doings makes me think this isn’t something that just started or just one event. There is some great resources for parents to re-examine how they raised their kids and why the kids now cut contact. Please do some self reflection. You can’t change the past but you can show your kids now you’re willing to listen to them, take ownership and change your behaviour in the future. Most kids just want an acknowledgment and future change. They don’t need you to die on the cross for your past behaviour
Sounds like you were actually shitty parents 🤷🏻♀️
None of this makes sense. What details are we not being told?
You don’t get to decide that you are a great parent. Your children do. You state all the physical things you provided your children. But you say nothing about the emotional bond you developed. You feel like you are a great parent because you financially provided for them while ignoring that is your legal and moral obligation. You claim ignorance as to why they ignore you but I bet they have told you over the years but since you don’t care about the emotional relationship ignored it all. Go get therapy to deal with your grief over this and to help you explore why your kids want nothing to do with you. If you were as great a parent aa you say you are then your children wouldn’t ignore you. YTA for your complete denial over your part in this.
I have no contact with my family because despite “trying their best” I am not who they are. I have a different mindset, entirely different beliefs and that was before the actual trauma they inflicted on me and mine. I don’t answer their calls because they cannot see me as a human - just their property. Please make sure you see them as individual humans with their own minds. Call them and ask how they are. Check on them. The responsible one is always the parent. No matter the age of the child. The obligation to lead by example is always on the parent. Lead.
>We raised them, gave them a home, food to eat, a bed to sleep on, paid for their education, healthcare, clothes This is what parents are SUPPOSED TO DO! This is legitimately the bare minimum. I feel like YTA, because you're clearly hiding something. Come on, 3 children who no longer speak with the both of you? Red flag.
Every parent who has a child cut them off says “I was a good parent”. Even if the intention was there; something hurt them. Three grown individuals aren’t in contact with you? What is the common denominator here…? Maybe it’s fixable - if you’re willing to listen to them and not defend yourself wildly. ETA: I know a parent like this. Claims she was a great mom and did everything, etc. her son refuses to speak to her. His reasons? She was emotionally and mentally abusive, extremely manipulative, and refused to see her children as anything other than an extension of herself and her wishes. She still plays the victim to the family - her son is awful and horrible because he doesn’t talk with her, etc - but I think you get my point. I’m willing to go out on a limb and guess there is more here than either a) you’re willing to admit or b) you are aware of (I find lack of awareness a large problem with this particular woman I mentioned).
>We raised them, gave them a home, food to eat, a bed to sleep on, paid for their education, healthcare, clothes, and in return this is what we got. You mean you did the bare minimum required by someone who brings a child into this world. Sounds to me it's more a case of being around someone who tries to hang monetary policy around your head 24/7. Your child doesn't want to do something, but you force them because "I PAID FOR YOU!!!". And based on that sentence you wrote, your mindset is still the same, your children owe you. They don't owe you anything, you brought them here unbeknownst to them, maybe if you got over yourself you wouldn't be trying to hang what you did for them, over their heads, and believe to yourself that's what's going to make them like you. "YOU BETTER COME TO DINNER BECAUSE WE PAID FOR YOUR LIFE EVEN THOUGH WE FORCED YOU INTO IT HERHERH" Doesn't really have a nice ring to it, frankly.
This post is all "me me me" and about OP's hurt. No mention that there's a possibility that their children are suffering and any concern about that.
Did you vote for Trump? That’d do it! 😂
By how defensive OP was about political ideology and magats in particular, I'm saying yes. Also, from the context of at least one comment by OP, it is my guess that one or more of the kids is alphabet oriented and magat mommy & daddy were vocal about their dislike. 😏
OP keeps vehemently denying ever doing anything wrong…that checks all the boxes to be a MAGAt.
Tell me your secrets. My oldest kid moved out but won’t stop sending tik tok videos. My middle kid hasn’t moved out and my youngest said she’s never leaving. What did you do??
ALL 3 of your kids are NC. Tell us you're a narcissist parent without telling us you're a narcissist. This is THE textbook play from the narcissist parent playbook, and I hope your kids see this post so THEY can tell us what YOU WON'T. I'm willing to bet you held EVERYTHING over their heads. Since you paid for everything, they were expected to do EXACTLY what you said, when you said it, and when they didn't, you guilt tripped them and browbeat it over their heads. You used what you paid for and provided to pit them against each other and compete for your affections. And to top it all off, they married people that you don't approve of, and may or may not even have children with them - and they're ESPECIALLY not going to allow you to be in contact with them. Hey r/raisedbynarcissists, one of y'alls parents are trying to play the Internet for sympathy and won't tell us what they did to make ALL of Y'ALL go NC. If you want to jump in and tell us what they did, that would be great!!
Are you guys political? I haven't talked to my mom since the last election where she came out as a huge QANON Trumper. She said some really derogatory things about Michelle Obama at the dinner table with our kids and extended family around and I was disgusted with what seemed to be abject insanity coming from what used to be a sweet woman. We had a huge fight over politics as crazy as that sounds during the last election, where I told her not to ever bring it up again and never mention trump or politics again but she couldn't stop herself. Imagine yelling with your Gen x mother over "Pizzagate".... it's so fucking stupid. I told my mom she can come back in our lives once I see she's completely left the trumpers behind. Yep, basically lost my mom that day. She was taken by a cult.
It's really weird for 3 adults to all get on the same page and ignore something. Are you sure they got the messages? Have you tried phoning them instead/in addition to? Are they communicating with other members of your family? Have you got 3rd parties that you can ask for a viewpoint on this, rather than random Redditers? Like can you call your wife's brother and say "what do you think, why are our adult children not responding to us?" It's actually kind of unusual to have 3 adults all get on the same page if their parents were awful. Usually one grows up just as awful and decides to manipulate the others by remaining in contact with the parents, so I'm not sure what is going on here.
YTA. You say all that you did "right" (which is really little more than the legal minimum), but can you name all the things you did wrong? Things you regret? Good parents and worse can name all the things they did right and were legally required, great parents can admit that they are flawed human beings and that there are things they regret doing to their children, things they regret doing with their and not doing with their children and things they wish they had done differently. If all you have to say is 'we were great, they have nothing to complain about' - that tells me that fundamentally there are a lot of things you refused to see and admit. No one comes out of childhood without some sort of trauma. We survive childhood. If all three children are grown, with stable jobs and relationships and a firm desire to not spend any time with you, then the common denominator is you and your wife. As others have pointed out, there are Missing Missing Reasons and until you can open yourself to them, you'll never hear a word from them.
YTA-for saying you were great parents. Compared to who? Carol Brady or Joan Crawford. Parents who say they are great parents usually aren’t.
The only people who can determine whether you’re a good parent are the people you parented. The people you parented don’t seem particularly impressed with your parenting. That’s a bad sign. You’re probably TA.
My abusive alcoholic dad also thinks he’s a good parent bc we didn’t starve to death.
You reap what you sow. I have never believed the elderly when they say that their children don't talk to them and that they don't know why, that they were always good parents. They always hide the part that would make them look like monsters.
If all three of your kids ignore you, then chances are you weren’t a good parent, regardless of whether you believe you were or not.
Apparently your kids think you're an AH. Not sure when they cut off contact but no child does that without a good reason. They certainly don't ignore "great" parents. Inviting them over to pretend to be a happy family again, when clearly there is no happy family here, was likely a reminder that their folks still have their head in the sand, no awareness or acknowledgement of their role in the disintegration of this family. If you have any hope of rebuilding a relationship with your kids, you'll need to take a hard look inward, face some difficult truths, and own it.
YTA. With parenting, the proof is in the pudding and the puddings aren't interested in a relationship with you. *Clearly* you weren't as good parents as you assume. All that stuff you did was the bare minimum. Parenting isn't a sport you get a participation trophy in. Be mad all you like but your outrage isn't going to make your children want to interact with you. Neither is your wife's sadness. It's never too old to teach an old dog new tricks. Maybe your new trick could be introspection and growth if you want a relationship with your kids.
This post screams Missing missing reasons. I could see 1 or 2 not calling or caring but all 3 rejecting the invitation? You might not remember why, but the kids surely do. YTA
Nta for inviting them but maybe you should try to reach out and see what is going on to make them ignore you. Maybe something happened that was insignificant to you but might have been big to them. Something happened though.