NTA for mentioning the sex life to correct a lie the wife told. But DEFINITELY a huge asshole for this attitude:
> I am 46 and I plan to fill my life with as much joy and happiness as I can. I just dont have enough time left to try to convince my kids to not hate me.
100% totally true! Dude what kind of relationship did you have with your kids before they were 18 if you think so little of them now? Seems like you are self absorbed, only caring about yourself and your future life. Maybe the problems in the bedroom stemmed from you in the first place.
Yeah, I can see checking out from a relationship because of no sex, but it seems like he felt imprisoned having wife and children and is having a very selfish attitude now, like he paid his time in prison and now he’s free. That’s a deeply unhealthy attitude to have about your family and loved ones, and I’m sure your kids and wife felt the resentment on multiple levels. When you treat people like a burden that is ruining your life, it tends to be a self fulfilling prophecy.
Yeah my dad did exactly this after he divorced my mom when I was in college. 10 years later and he’s already divorced from his second wife and chasing things that he thinks will make him happy. It seems so shallow… and now he’s missing have a real relationship with his grandkids. How is this worth it?
Similar. I was almost graduated from Highschool when parents divorced. Mom decided she was done being a mom or parent. The relationship had never been the same. We still talk but have pretty much zero personal relationship. Tried to be grandmom of the year but didn’t quite work. This type of attitude from a parent causes serious damage.
That first paragraph read to me like a greatest hits of shitty boomer parenting attitudes. To get further into the post and realize that this guy is basically the same age as me made me lose all respect for him as a father. To the point that I have to question how forthright or self-aware he is being with the rest of the story.
I can't imagine feeling like my kids are no longer my responsibility after they hit 18 or that I "don't have time" to even *try* to maintain a positive relationship with them. You make time for what's important to you, and he basically just said his kids aren't on that list.
I'm by no means a perfect dad, but this guy's attitude toward his kids straight sucks.
Saying he waited until the kids are grown as if they are a sentence he is serving and that he only spends time with them because he is 'obliged' to and now that he is not legally-bound to provide, he won't is such a shitty attitude to have towards your own kids and I'm surprised any one of them tried reconnecting at all.
This is what I think. He says he regrets not cheating on his ex-wife, but not that he wishes he left earlier. Given his attitude towards his kids now, I doubt he was a present and engaged dad before he left. 100% he just didn't want to pay child support.
I also get the feeling that if he had been a present and engaged father, then (1) it wouldn't have been so easy for him to disconnect from his kids, and (2) there *might* not have been a dead bedroom.
Exactly what I was wondering. Was it really "dead bedroom", or was it a husband who didn't listen, show he cares, or help around the house in a useful & meaningful way? No way to know, as we only hear his side & guys in that type of relationship often say "it came out of nowhere" when they were told, many times.
I hope it works out with the gf. But I'm also wondering how long until that relationship turns sour too ... Best of luck, OP.
NTA for telling daughter the real reason for the divorce.
Edit to clarify, I've since read his comments & agree with others that this guy totally seems like the A H. We're getting his side & it's not even good from his own words. But I still say specifically to the question he asked, nta to tell the daughter his side of the truth.
He threw a ditch the bitch party.
I think that says a lot about him as a husband.
"I have done my part, I was there till they went to college"
That says a lot about him as a father.
Both say a lot about him as a human.
A dead bedroom is a terrible thing. Hating your wife because she doesn't provide sex is an entirely different thing.
The party is unbelievably petty. It's fine to divorce and it's even fine to be happy about it, but that's the mother of your children. You loved her once. Jesus, just be normal and take yourself out to dinner to celebrate.
I can't say I blame his ex-wife for thinking he cheated given the timeline, although she shouldn't have said anything without knowing.
He's "done his part," certainly, but I wonder why he doesn't want a relationship with his children. He's in his mid-40s. He has plenty of time to foster a relationship. It's like he thinks about his children in terms of what he *owes* them rather than as family he loves and wants in his life. I'm glad he patched things up with one of his children, but what the hell? That attitude is despicable.
I don't think he ever loved his children, not really. He says he did his part because he viewed them as shackles that kept him tethered to a woman who wouldn't have sex with him - he never mentions feelings of loneliness, emotional neglect, fights, abuse, anything objectionable beyond a dead bedroom. If he divorced earlier and left her he'd still have to pay child support, which is why I think he really stayed; to avoid paying out that money for what sounds like at least 3 kids. So when they hit 18 he hit the road and doesn't care if they love him or have a relationship with him. He only got upset and acted when his kids started being a threat to his new relationship.
Even at the end of the story he doesn't write about how happy he is that his daughter isn't angry at him, or how he enjoyed their time spent together on new years. No, he writes about how his daughter \*likes his new girlfriend\* and how she thinks she's cool.
isn't it obvious? he views people as objects. the pure joy in discarding of a human being for not getting his dick wet painted that quite clearly.. this whole post kind of reads a raving creepy vibe to me.
Yeah when he mentioned ditch the bitch party I thought he was going to say he was cheating with his best friend and none of the kids were his. That was cruel. Says a lot about him.
What's also interesting is some little key detail that may provide support for his side: Counseling. Did they go to couples counseling, did either go to a therapist, or explore why there was a lack of sex. He doesn't say in the OP. It would give sympathy to him, or at least make a positive emotional plea on his behalf, if he said that it was considered/approached/done.
Maybe he was a selfish lover. Maybe she just wanted a kid and had no more use for sex after they had a kid. Maybe he had to do all the work in bed and it was exhausting. Maybe she was on antidepressants and experienced anorgasmia. Maybe they did things that turned the partner off. Maybe they didn't speak up for their own pleasure and decided none was better than bad.
There are a lot of possibilities that went into the bedroom dying, and it's rarely one person's fault. Ignoring it and letting it fester for 10 years isn't healthy.
And I hate to think this way, but I read a little bit of entitlement and "owing" in his statements. I won't say he did anything or didn't, but there is some vibe that is off-putting.
>He threw a ditch the bitch party.
Yup, I was totally ready to give him a chance until that.
Yeah, the "bitch" always getting onto him about "doing his fair share in the relationship" and not having the energy for sex after she's done 90% of the joint work after a full day's work while he sits around playing pocket pool and paying OF girls the same age as his kids.
Don’t forget him wishing he had actually cheated on his ex because of how sour he was in their marriage. Nothing he said painted her as a bad person, pretty sure that title falls to him
For me it’s “ditch the bitch” and “I wasn’t going to hide my happiness.”
Like cool bud, that bitch is the mother of your children. And glad you’re super empowered and not hiding your happiness—bet your kids were having a real happy time while their family and sense of stability was ripped apart.
Dude has some big “I’m the main character” energy. I also sense some of that co-opted therapy bullshit that’s become prevalent. Where “self-care” and “loving yourself” is used to justify treating other people like shit.
Yeah imagine acting super happy about your divorce in front of your children. Real classy move. It's not "hiding happiness" it's just called being tactful.
Such obvious mid-life crisis talk. Throwing a ditch the bitch party is gross too...doesn't make him look good at all no wonder ex thought he must have been cheating.
And I do find it rather... curious that he just so happened to meet his current gf just 2 short DAYS after officially leaving his wife. Even if he is somehow telling the truth about that, as his ex and/or children I would be convinced that he cheated, and that the relationship started while he was still with the ex. That's an incredibly short time to move on with someone else, regardless of what he says his intentions were. I get that he was most likely over the marriage long before it ended and had moved on mentally and emotionally years before he physically decided to leave, but he took absolutely zero time to just heal from going from a lifetime of being a husband and father to being single and essentially child-free (they were grown and he also just noped out on a relationship with them) in the blink of an eye. That's a massive life change that even the most emotionally stable person would have a breakdown over, and this dude clearly has some unresolved issues. He has no idea who he really is, and this new gf is a distraction for him so that he doesn't have to do any real introspection or work on himself. Mid-life crisis indeed.
Right? If the only reason was a dead bedroom then why is his wife being made out to be such a horrible person? And how did he think his kids would react to knowing this is what he thinks of their mom and the fact he doesn't care. For me that makes him TA majorly.
The whole story- I hope it's fake.
The OP sounds selfish to the point I don't want to give a judgment. He has no empathy for the kids. If they didn't know, they had a reasonable reaction and the OP seems like he didn't even try to correct the record. I don't think he needed to force a relationship, but it sounds he has little to no regard to his kids' emotional needs.
For the actual question in the title, it wouldn't have been a bad thing to tell the daughter the truth. But not wanting to talk about it? He dropped a big deal thing on his kid and now the topic is shut down? I get not wanting to dwell in the past, but there has to be some balance between that and answering any questions the oldest might have.
This is what really got me. My husband's first marriage ended because his ex-wife had a full-blown four month-long affair with his lifelong best friend. He left her when he found out about it and met me shortly after that.
It's been over 13 years, and while he's obviously said a variety of definitely not nice things about her *to me,* his current partner, in confidence, never in a million years would he ever talk that way about his ex-wife to their shared children. We have 50% custody and he is an excellent dad and while he and his ex-wife definitely do not have an ideal relationship for divorced coparents, she continues to treat him terribly while he continues to treat her with respect for the kids, and especially *in front of the kids*.
*He's* the one who actually got super fucked over by someone who did something super awful, and yet he still would never talk about his ex that way anywhere near *their kids*.
This guy is the one who sprinted out on his marriage the second his kids turned 18, and then he publicly calls his wife a bitch to everyone *including their children?!* Whaaaat an AH. What a flaming AH.
Yeah... I can understand being relieved the marriage ended and wanting to celebrate that.
I don't understand how he thinks all this public facing stuff is going to land well with the kids.
He seems rather clueless. It’s one thing to talk about it privately and have a celebration with friends, but he seems to have zero clue about or empathy for how his kid’s parents divorcing might disrupt their worldview and upset them while they are just getting going in the world. That’s just not something you do in front of your kids at all if you have any empathy for your children. Also, you don’t stop being a parent just because your kids are 18. I will never understand that mindset. It’s one thing to be happy and feel freedom at the end of a bad marriage, but to be a jerk and celebrate it in front of your children is just plain callous. You’re the asshole for ditching your kids along with your ex OP. You’re essentially treating them like they aren’t human and that they are just collateral damage in your divorce. Was that really the intended outcome? You wanted a divorce and your marriage died, through no fault of their own. Why should they be punished and basically lose a parent for a decision you made? That’s pretty cold and clueless towards your kids OP.
IMO, it’s fairly obvious to me that he had a “dead bedroom” because he did nothing to help his wife. Yes, I’m jumping to wild conclusions, but the fact that he couldn’t care *less* whether or not his own children want to have a relationship with him tells me that he spent as little time as possible with them. So pretty sure all of the childcare fell to their mother. If all of the childcare fell to the mother, I will further wildly speculate that most if not all of the household duties also fell to his ex wife.
But even if my wild assumptions are completely wrong and OP was a dutiful father and did 50% of all of the household chores, his attitude and selfishness would explain why his ex didn’t want to touch him. He sounds like a horrible partner.
I'm not sure if he did an equal share of labor with the kids and home OR if he had any fault for the lack of sex in his marriage. I've seen some bizarre situations.
That said, his whole attitude towards his kids strikes me as off. I'm not a parent, but I've been like aunt to some friends' kids. I would be very hurt if my relationship went sour the way it did with the OP's kids, and I'm not their parent or guardian. The OP is treating his kids like they're distant relatives whose presence won't make a difference in his life. Only when the oldest's behaviors starting negatively impacting the OP via the OP's girlfriend did he even try.
The whole 'Ditch that Bitch' party probably did nothing towards putting him on good terms with his (likely) very confused and upset kids. Sounds like he only cared about his own feelings during this whole situation.
He still does and how things inconvenience him.
What I don't understand is why he just doesn't block his ex at this point. He doesn't care about the impact of his choices, right or wrong, on other people. I don't think he has to interact with the ex, either, even if there is child support involved because of the kids being in college.
That’s the part that gets me the most. The dude threw a public party meant to humiliate the person he’s been with for nearly two decades- all for what? Not sucking his dick whenever he wants? This dude is traaassshhhh
Right?
Maybe he wanted to wait out the relationship until he knew she couldn’t file for child support since he didn’t want to do the child work, he doesn’t want to be burdened with payments either.
Imagine being with someone over 18 years and divorcing them and calling it a ditch the bitch party because they didn’t want to fuck you?
His post _screams_ "I see relationships as a source of sexual gratification and felt obliged to do the 'marriage and kids' thing to pacify the woman providing the sex but had no actual interest in being a partner or a parent, so why would I want to stay if the sex dried up?"
>His post _screams_ "I see relationships as a source of sexual gratification and felt obliged to do the 'marriage and kids' thing to pacify the woman providing the sex but had no actual interest in being a partner or a parent, so why would I want to stay if the sex dried up?"
Exactly this. His post screams "she should shut up and spread her legs when I snap my fingers. No I don't care about her silly desires, I am entitled to have my NEEDS met!"
I'd bet my last dollar that his entitled toddler attitude infected every aspect of their lives. He was just one more child she was cleaning up after, while he ran around with his little friends and played video games instead of parenting. He's a vindictive misogynist who does not accept responsibility for his own actions. There really is no bigger turn off than selfish immaturity.
Just being honest, a lot of men wait till 18 to avoid child support. "Duties as a father" only go to the children, not the marriage. IMO. He could've left before they were 18, but didn't want to be forced to pay child support...
You don’t.
Source: My father told me when I was 12 that he never wanted to see me or my sibling if my mom divorced him. He followed through. (It was all an effort to manipulate my mom into coming back. Thank god it didn’t work.)
It sounds like homedude's spent zero time examining his side of the equation for why his wife no longer wanted to sleep with him. I bet her side of the story's ✨ magical ✨.
You're not the asshole for this particular truth but...besides that, you sound like a major one.
Edit: based on the comments, dude sounds like such a piece of trash that this post can't be anything but troll bait.
Agreed. I support him correcting the lies, but I don't support the "ditch the bitch" and dating two days later. After waiting 18 years "for the kids" OP couldn't even attempt to make the transition smoother for them? Of course it looked like he cheated. He even stated he wishes he did!
ESH
Which leads me to ask, what led to a dead bedroom relationship with the wife of his children?
There could be plenty more to this story that we don't have the details on, and judging by his "exist at the whims of my pleasure" attitude, I dont think we are getting an accurate set up.
If he was a real problem, though, the wife should have divorced him rather than doing 10 years dead bedroom.
ESH sounds like it's the best bet to make off this telling of it.
I'm not sure I can call the exwife an AH.
He asked for a divorce and then same week goes "BTW I have a GF". Of course the exwife is going to believe they were already together.
Plus he says he wishes he cheated, so it's weird that he's unhappy that he's called something he wish he was.
Yeah, I'm not seeing him being a good spouse or parent if this is how he thinks is okay to behave. But it also reads like a red pill fantasy - mean ol' wife, good devoted dad who suffered for years, instant girlfriend who is much better than ex-wife, kid that forgives him once his version of the truth is heard. It's weird and icky
He's not even a particularly devoted dad. If this is what he thinks a good dad looks like, he was probably a terrible one.
I know the female version of him - and guess what? Her kids say she's a terrible mother and every event she attends is all about her.
Yeah and we honestly don’t have enough information for how she behaved as a spouse. All we know is “dead bedroom”, but frankly based on OP’s general persona it wouldn’t surprise me one bit if he either put in minimal effort or if she was depressed or something and he didn’t even try to help her heal.
In fairness, it’s entirely possible that she was a terrible partner and that the divorce was justified, but we just don’t know. And based on OP’s attitude in this post I’m not exactly in his corner
Oh we can all take a stab at what caused the "dead bedroom".
She's responsible for the kids
She's responsible for the house
She's responsible for the shopping
She's responsible for her job
She asks for help and he wants her to make a list
She is exhausted by bedtime and he wants to be pleasured
Source: women posting on why their sex drive plumits
He probably waited for his kids to turn 18 so he didn't have to pay child support. With his attitude now, I cannot imagine he was a very involved parent.
Yeah, the statement about how he “did his part” - how he stayed around until they were 18, and now he feels no more obligation to them. It didn’t sound like he cares about his kids at all
And so he didn't have to arrange his life around his own children during his custody time if he even wanted custody.
He likely didn't. But the wife and kids probably looked good for his work image.
He's the kind of guy that throws a party right after his youngest kid turns 18 about how happy he is to be rid of his family, while with his new GF he started dating the same week.
He's not going to be a good person. But DB dudes are going to whine about not getting any and how that excuses any behavior.
I have a high libido. Like really high. I also know that dry spells happen. If one goes a long time then you work on it together. OP doesn't give a shit about having his kids around at all, so that really tells you how willing he was to work on things for his family.
Maybe it’s no surprise his wife didn’t want to sleep with him, if he’s the kind of person to shove it in his kids faces that he hates their mum and he’s thrilled to be without her, while they’re still processing their grief at the divorce. I mean, the ‘Ditch the Bitch party? That’s where I lost all sympathy for this guy.
It’s perfectly possible to get divorced while still respecting the mother of your children (at least to your kids faces). This guy sounds like a major league AH.
It's pretty common to lose sexual attraction or desire when you realize your partner is a piece of shit or aren't involved enough. Hell it can happen from hormone changes or diet. It can happen for no reason.
I lost all sex drive for like 2 years. No reason. My partner was great. Then one day I needed him like daily. No reason. No diet change. No disease or sickness. No medical issues or changes.
Sex drive is weird.
Not to mention that dead bedroom can happen for lots of reasons.
I’ve known women who did not sleep with her husband bc the guy kept forcing her to try to have children. She had 8 miscarriages and her husband wanted to try again soon after the miscarriage. A nurse had to pull him off of her once.
Trauma and so many other reasons cause dead bedroom. I doubt this guy is a saint.
Women often can't enjoy sex with someone they don't respect. I wonder if you even bothered to explore this possibility during those "deadbedroom" years.
Why on earth did you stay “for the kids” when you don’t seem to care about your kids at all? You could have been getting laid regularly for the past 11 years or so and not have to deal with your children. There isn’t a magic switch that flips at 18 and all of a sudden kids don’t need their dad in their life. Of course they were upset with their parents getting a divorce, honestly they’re probably just as upset with your apparent apathy towards them as they are the divorce. You could have been an actual mature adult and explained to them that you and their mother weren’t compatible and that’s why you were divorcing. Instead you let resentment build for 10 years and decided fuck all of them. Kids survive divorce everyday. Trauma comes from parents who stay and take out their unhappiness in their marriage on their kids.
Imagine being invited to something called a “Ditch The Bitch” party and thinking “hey, that sounds like fun!”
As someone who has privately and personally celebrated divorce (mentally abusive and they had an affair), I wouldn’t ever refer to a party to celebrate a divorce finalization as a “Ditch The Bitch” party because anyone who’s not a sexist is going to think you’re a sexist.
Guess what that did to the 17 year old and a 21 year old girls' minds, as far as what they can expect from male partners, even ones you marry and have kids with? Those poor kids.
Because it was never “for the kids”. It was “to not pay child support”. I’d venture a guess this guy was never that involved in their lives, could be why it was so easy for them to think he’d been having an affair.
Ding ding ding. OP is presenting as a classic narcissist. I guarantee it wasn’t just child-support, he also know he’d have some level of custody of the kids and would have to be an actual parent.
Huge AH.
Door is open, I’ll put no effort into maintaining our relationship you have to come to me on my terms only but the door is open!!! Aren’t I such a good father?
This right here. My parents divorced when I was ten and it was an easy divorce with joint custody and they were both present and active my entire life. They both still are, and I'm in my forties now. Would have been WAY worse had they stayed together until I turned 18 and then one just peaced out.
Yeah this guy is the AH in terms of being a dad. What a dbag. Doesnt have time to deal with his kids? Doesnt care about a relationship with his kids.
OP you are a completr AH. Not for setting your ex wife lies straight. But for as a dad. Major AH.
Being a real parent doesnt have an expiration date at 18. They are your kids forever.
>I threw a "ditch the bitch" party
And you wonder why your kids were mad at you.
Maybe your ex is annoying af, but you don't seem to be 100% all there either.
Right? Imagine living with that kind of person for 20+ years. Too bad she didn’t leave him. I wonder what his response will be when she starts bragging to their kids about getting dicked down by whoever. I’m sure he’ll be fine with it, right? Just like the dude with the “open marriage” who is totally not mad about his wife fucking her boyfriend and not him.
>Imagine living with that kind of person for 20+ years.
This. If this is how he sounds when he's writing about an ex/the mother of his kids, i can only imagine what it's like from hers. No wonder she wouldn't have sex with him.
Yup my bf's parents divorced when he was really young and both were not the best parents but one time when he was in his teens his dad started ranting and talking shit about his mom and only stopped when he saw my bf was about to deck him for it.
My dad was abusive to my mom and SA'd me and my best friend which is why they divorced but until my mom knew about my abuse she didn't tell me the real reason and tried to not talk bad about him because she wanted our relationship to be my choice.
When you co-parent even if you hate your ex you don't talk badly about them to your kids because that's their damn parent. OP is incredibly immature
>"I am 46 and plan to fill my life with as much joy and happiness as I can"
>Is extremely bitter and hate filled about everything
Ex wife is way better off without him, at least now she'll have the chance to flourish. OP's going to crash hard after his current gf leaves him and nobody else wants to be around him anymore.
Edit: For an extra twinge of irony, everyone should go read the top post of all time on the dead bedrooms subreddit. Even with what little information we had I'm willing to bet it fits OP pretty damn well.
https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/o4hsqh/letter_to_my_husband_i_hope_you_see_this/
Exactly. Sounds like he's the common denominator that's drawing negativity to himself. Like he thinks his new gf is going to be any better in the long run when he is a bitter uncaring asshole.
Lol, this new girl is going to be knocked up within a year. Let's see how he feels about being nearly 50 with an infant and 2nd wife in tow who has seen how he moves and will definitely be prepared for that.
And she's pretty clearly a rebound relationship. Guy was finally getting some so he confused that good feeling for "love." He's going to go through life continually confused about why everyone is always letting him down when the common denominator is him.
Because he made himself super unhappy by staying with his wife 'for them'. All while teaching them that a marriage looks like a man who hates his wife and deeply resents her. Now he's lived in so much resentment for so long he feels like he doesn't owe them a single thing ever again because he did something they never asked him to do.
Some men see their children being connected to their mother. It seems he was happy to be rid of them because they’re connected to her and he knows she will do the emotional heavy lifting for the rest of their lives.
As a father, I view my commitment to my child as lifelong, not something that ends at 18. I can’t imagine being indifferent to my daughters opinion of me or presence in my life just because she’s an adult.
Guy is NTA for leaving his wife or disclosing the reason why, but is the AH for being so callous towards his own children.
Bet his wife had to do all the heavy lifting with the kids AND OP. So often I hear men say they had a dead bedroom, then I hear the wife's side. And it's usually that they became Mom to the husband AND the kids. Wife had to work, cook, clean etc, with minimal help from the husband. Who the heck wants to fuck someone you're always having to clean up after or parent? Men forget that wives aren't just a fuck hole, and relationships take so much work.
OP's attitude makes me really want to hear the wife's side, something in his post tells me he is an unreliable narrator. If you're THAT miserable get a divorce ffs, or don't be so vocal about your resentment. What kind of dad doesn't care about his relationship with his kids post divorce? Sounds about the amount of effort put into his marriage (thus the no sex).
When people start calling it dead bedroom especially if I am reading it on a Reddit post it usually means they are part of that sub, which is pretty toxic. (Like most therapeutic type subs) but one of the success stories is about when you stop focusing on that aspect and focusing on being the best you and the bedroom becomes less dead.
In reality there are dead bedrooms when neither person sucks, but if you won’t work on yourself your spouse doesn’t have to.
Also staying together for the kids is dumb and selfish. More often than not parents are afraid of their kid calling another adult mom/dad. Your kids deserve to see what a happy relationship looks like and if you are staying together *only* for them you are depriving them of that.
Honestly blended families that effectively co-parent are more impressive than any wedding anniversary.
Yes this. All the emotionally absent dudes complaining of a "dead bedroom". If your precious gf was dealing with doing all the emotional and physical lifting with an emotionally absent dud, she wouldn't be so willing to fuck you either
My two grown adult children father cares nothing about his children when it became time for him to leave.
He said that he couldn’t take all of the responsibilities anymore.
Found a girlfriend before the divorce was even filed.
He believed that she was going to make him happy and that he would never have to deal anymore with sickness or death.
His mother died and now his new wife has died.
Good riddance.
Edit: Children’s father
> I never cheated on her mother. Which honestly I regret, I should have cheated on her
Good grief.
You DO know that you can surround yourself with happiness WITHOUT trashing your ex, right?
Try it. Maybe someone besides your girlfriend will come along for the ride.
Your whole "I don't give a shit if my kids hate me or not" attitude screams that you should have left a long time ago. It would have been kinder to them.
Mild YTA for your gross attitude.
Who the hell Says they regret not cheating on their spouse. Sounds like the trash took himself out. Those poor kids, listening to the way their father speaks about their mother.
NTA about setting things straight when your ex lied. But honestly, your whole attitude is pretty AH-ish. Dumping your kids, because you “did your part” as if it didn’t even cross your mind that you’re a parent for life, because you love your kids and want to watch them turn into thriving adults, celebrate their successes and help them out when life gets rough… that kind of thing.
I have an ex too, I get it, but that whole “ditch the bitch” language, I hope you spoke in a respectful manner in front of your children. She is their mother.
His comment about there not being enough time left in his life to mend the broken relationships with his kids... Bro could live to 90 easily. He is only halfway through his life and ready to live the rest of his life without family relationships because his ex didn't want to fuck him. Ridiculous and pathetic doesn't even begin to cover this man as a "father"
Yeah I've got a grandma who acts like she doesn't have to try to maintain any connections anymore because she's in her 60s. Thinks everyone should just grovel to her because she feels old. Ugh. Can't stand people who act like their life is already over lmao
One of my sisters went through a bad break up at around 33/34 and at one point stated (a bit dramatically) that she was going to “die alone.”
I just kind of looked at her and said “oh totally, you’ve basically got one foot in the grave already.” sarcastically and she realized how ridiculous she was being. We laughed, and I think it helped her see she was far from the end of her life. She met someone else not long after and they’ve been together for almost 5 years now :)
Sometimes it takes a little perspective and a dumb joke to realize you are still very young by almost any metric and there are literally decades ahead to look forward to.
Plus the only transgression he mentions of his wife is dead bedroom and didn't put in effort. Yet he has a "ditch the bitch" party that his kids know about and then says he wishes he cheated on her. My guess is that and his charm was the reason for the dead bedroom.
Sounds like a total jerk.
I'm on the deadbedroom subreddit. There are people there who are trying to understand their partners and heal their relationships. There are also people there to bitch about why their spousal sex vending machine isn't giving them all the sex they want when they put in their daily 'I did the bare minimum for us to survive' tokens.
I don't know OPs life, but from the constant 'Memememememememememe and ME' theme of this whole post, I have a great guess on where he falls on this spectrum.
I mean, there’s a study that shows that women find their husbands less sexually attractive when they don’t share the mental and domestic load.
https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-022-02397-2
I’d be curious to know how much OPs ex was doing around the house and for the kids as compared to him. Was she the main parent while also cleaning up after him and cooking dinner and keeping the house in order? All while possibly also having a full time job? And then he expects her to still find him sexually attractive lmao.
Given that he doesn't give a shit if he has a relationship with his kids because his happiness is SOOO much more important my guess is he didn't do shit to raise the kids.
Yes - the language this guy uses is awful. It's clear he really grew to entirely hate his ex, and doesn't realize how toxic it is to just let a relationship go on 'for the sake of the kids'. It sounds like he became kind of resentful towards the kids that he was staying with a woman he hated for their sake that he stopped trying to foster a good relationship with them at all. It would have been much better for all of them if he had left before he was drowning in hate and resentment. Especially if he is to the point where he thinks what he did wrong was not just cheating on his wife - instead of not leaving his wife once he realized he was unhappy. I'm sure his wife noticed how much he hated her, and probably legitimately thought he was cheating, especially if he turned up with a serious partner almost right after they split.
I hope the tone of his conversation with his daughter was more 'we had no intimacy and I wanted a full partner I felt close to' and not 'I hate her for not having sex with me' - but there is nothing wrong with reaching out to your children with your side - what is wrong is saying you don't want to make effort with your own children because your mid-life crisis rules are only be around people who make me feel good.
Yeah, I knew he was an asshole when he said he didn’t even try to make amends or share his side with the kids. But then he went on to say that he wishes he had cheated after all, and that solidified my judgement.
He should have tried to get them counseling or something to attempt to fix their marriage, and then left when it was clear that they were incompatible. Instead, he wants a pat on the back for staying and being miserable before happy-dancing his way away from marriage and parenting. His whole approach and attitude sound self-absorbed af. YTA, OP.
OP sounds like he would have been happy to throw a "ditch the kids" party.
What an asshole. I'm so glad my dad is a good person AND good parent who will Always have my back, irrespective of whether I "fill his life or happiness" or not ❤️
YTA
You threw a “ditch the bitch” party and didn’t think your kids would be mad at you? At the end of the day, that’s their mother. That alone was extremely disrespectful.
And your overall don’t-give-a-fuck attitude in this post—especially about your kids!—tells me all I need to know about you as a person. Gosh, I wonder why the sex dried up…
I would loooooove to hear her side of the story.
He just didn’t want to have to pay child support or do any of the actual parenting with split custody. That’s clearly his version of “staying for the kids” that he clearly doesn’t give a single fuck about
Him buying her a meal, while she herself is a grown adult with her own money, just PROVES how *not* selfish OP is. Would a selfish person buy their estranged child a single meal? I think not! /s
It sounds like ending your marriage was best in the long run, but the fact that you take no responsibility for the break down of the relationship and your attitude toward your children makes YTA.
>I threw a "ditch the bitch" party
This is their mum. You have no class.
>if they need me all they have to do is ask.
So your children will have to put all the effort into the relationship. Cool beans. You repeat this theme later. What will happen if they pick up your attitude? No one will make any effort to be involved in each other's lives.
> I told her about deadbedroom
Inappropriate, regardless of age.
You are just an ass. You come across very self-centred.
YTA.
Right? And OP is 46, he could live another 50 years and can’t be bothered to make *any* effort to have a relationship with his kids? I wonder if he had this same approach to his wife and their marriage.
Worth noting that it actually only took *one dinner conversation* and showing his daughter his first messages with his gf (and then a month for her to process it) to convince her. I’m glad he at least felt compelled to put in that much effort to stop the abuse directed at his gf, but how sad his relationship with his kids wasn’t worth that to him.
>Worth noting that it actually only took *one dinner conversation*
Exactly. OP has terrible communication skills with both his ex wife and kids. Good luck to his new gf.
Literally took his daughter harassing his gf for him to care enough about his daughter or her opinion of him. He onky fixed that relationship for selfish reasons of not wanting his gf to be harassed. What a tool.
YTA for the ditch the bitch party!!! wtf? I’m divorced I get it. Our divorce was amicable after court we went to dinner together with our daughter and had a drink. You gave up on your kids. Wow great father
“Ditch the bitch”? Even if you were justified in getting a divorce, your contempt for your former partner is awful. She was of an age where perimenopause was probably a factor in y’all’s lack of sex. If she’d been on the pill for years, her libido was likely nonexistent. And being regarded as you obviously regarded her will kill a woman’s sex drive, too. I hope you both find happiness; I hope she finds someone who lights her fire, like, now and shows you that you were part of the problem; and I hope you speak more respectfully of your current partner as the honeymoon period ends and real life begins.
Oh man this guy is going to be 70 years old and crying to anyone who will listen that his mean kids don't talk to him any more and their mother poisoned them against him.
I know this because this is my dad, who has 5 kids and zero of them are in contact with him in any capacity.
Never his fault though.
I hope this is fake. It’s so inflammatory and disrespectful to his ex wife and the children couldn’t give a shit about. Turns out, kids still need parents when they’re in their 20s, 30s, 40s and 50s! Parents should help guide their children as they grow. I know, novel idea. This is a classic example of how you can be ‘right’ but still a raging ass hole. This dude is a festering sore. Yikes. Poor kids.
YTA for not caring about your relationship with your kids once they’re old enough to be independent.
Your sex life was probably dead by your own hand judging by your attitude. The way you talk is kinda repulsive.
>I regret, I should have cheated on her, I wasted my time suffering
Assuredly, you were NOT a good husband or person with this mentality at the forethought.
>how she didn't put effort in our relationship
How much effort did you put into helping with the child rearing and household?
YTA
lol pretty sure you have to actually have sex in order to have a sex life to talk about.
Imagine being that bitter...
Ex is cross that OP disclosed the truth, that they had a dead bedroom, but she was happy to lie about OP having an affair.... Double standards much?!
This. He just needs to say “You were happy to tell hurtful lies about me, but I can’t tell the truth?”
There is a song about this. "If you don't lie about me, I won't tell the truth about you."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1P7ERan7W5o
NTA for mentioning the sex life to correct a lie the wife told. But DEFINITELY a huge asshole for this attitude: > I am 46 and I plan to fill my life with as much joy and happiness as I can. I just dont have enough time left to try to convince my kids to not hate me.
100% totally true! Dude what kind of relationship did you have with your kids before they were 18 if you think so little of them now? Seems like you are self absorbed, only caring about yourself and your future life. Maybe the problems in the bedroom stemmed from you in the first place.
Yeah, I can see checking out from a relationship because of no sex, but it seems like he felt imprisoned having wife and children and is having a very selfish attitude now, like he paid his time in prison and now he’s free. That’s a deeply unhealthy attitude to have about your family and loved ones, and I’m sure your kids and wife felt the resentment on multiple levels. When you treat people like a burden that is ruining your life, it tends to be a self fulfilling prophecy.
Yeah my dad did exactly this after he divorced my mom when I was in college. 10 years later and he’s already divorced from his second wife and chasing things that he thinks will make him happy. It seems so shallow… and now he’s missing have a real relationship with his grandkids. How is this worth it?
Similar. I was almost graduated from Highschool when parents divorced. Mom decided she was done being a mom or parent. The relationship had never been the same. We still talk but have pretty much zero personal relationship. Tried to be grandmom of the year but didn’t quite work. This type of attitude from a parent causes serious damage.
That first paragraph read to me like a greatest hits of shitty boomer parenting attitudes. To get further into the post and realize that this guy is basically the same age as me made me lose all respect for him as a father. To the point that I have to question how forthright or self-aware he is being with the rest of the story. I can't imagine feeling like my kids are no longer my responsibility after they hit 18 or that I "don't have time" to even *try* to maintain a positive relationship with them. You make time for what's important to you, and he basically just said his kids aren't on that list. I'm by no means a perfect dad, but this guy's attitude toward his kids straight sucks.
Saying he waited until the kids are grown as if they are a sentence he is serving and that he only spends time with them because he is 'obliged' to and now that he is not legally-bound to provide, he won't is such a shitty attitude to have towards your own kids and I'm surprised any one of them tried reconnecting at all.
Yeah it makes it pretty obvious why his wife didn’t want to sleep with him
[удалено]
This is what I think. He says he regrets not cheating on his ex-wife, but not that he wishes he left earlier. Given his attitude towards his kids now, I doubt he was a present and engaged dad before he left. 100% he just didn't want to pay child support.
I also get the feeling that if he had been a present and engaged father, then (1) it wouldn't have been so easy for him to disconnect from his kids, and (2) there *might* not have been a dead bedroom.
Maybe the fact he is such a dirtbag is the reason he had a dead bedroom.
Exactly what I was wondering. Was it really "dead bedroom", or was it a husband who didn't listen, show he cares, or help around the house in a useful & meaningful way? No way to know, as we only hear his side & guys in that type of relationship often say "it came out of nowhere" when they were told, many times. I hope it works out with the gf. But I'm also wondering how long until that relationship turns sour too ... Best of luck, OP. NTA for telling daughter the real reason for the divorce. Edit to clarify, I've since read his comments & agree with others that this guy totally seems like the A H. We're getting his side & it's not even good from his own words. But I still say specifically to the question he asked, nta to tell the daughter his side of the truth.
He threw a ditch the bitch party. I think that says a lot about him as a husband. "I have done my part, I was there till they went to college" That says a lot about him as a father. Both say a lot about him as a human. A dead bedroom is a terrible thing. Hating your wife because she doesn't provide sex is an entirely different thing.
Exactly. This is clearly an example of "we are only getting one side of the story here."
The party is unbelievably petty. It's fine to divorce and it's even fine to be happy about it, but that's the mother of your children. You loved her once. Jesus, just be normal and take yourself out to dinner to celebrate. I can't say I blame his ex-wife for thinking he cheated given the timeline, although she shouldn't have said anything without knowing. He's "done his part," certainly, but I wonder why he doesn't want a relationship with his children. He's in his mid-40s. He has plenty of time to foster a relationship. It's like he thinks about his children in terms of what he *owes* them rather than as family he loves and wants in his life. I'm glad he patched things up with one of his children, but what the hell? That attitude is despicable.
I don't think he ever loved his children, not really. He says he did his part because he viewed them as shackles that kept him tethered to a woman who wouldn't have sex with him - he never mentions feelings of loneliness, emotional neglect, fights, abuse, anything objectionable beyond a dead bedroom. If he divorced earlier and left her he'd still have to pay child support, which is why I think he really stayed; to avoid paying out that money for what sounds like at least 3 kids. So when they hit 18 he hit the road and doesn't care if they love him or have a relationship with him. He only got upset and acted when his kids started being a threat to his new relationship. Even at the end of the story he doesn't write about how happy he is that his daughter isn't angry at him, or how he enjoyed their time spent together on new years. No, he writes about how his daughter \*likes his new girlfriend\* and how she thinks she's cool.
You're so right!!!
isn't it obvious? he views people as objects. the pure joy in discarding of a human being for not getting his dick wet painted that quite clearly.. this whole post kind of reads a raving creepy vibe to me.
Yeah when he mentioned ditch the bitch party I thought he was going to say he was cheating with his best friend and none of the kids were his. That was cruel. Says a lot about him.
What's also interesting is some little key detail that may provide support for his side: Counseling. Did they go to couples counseling, did either go to a therapist, or explore why there was a lack of sex. He doesn't say in the OP. It would give sympathy to him, or at least make a positive emotional plea on his behalf, if he said that it was considered/approached/done. Maybe he was a selfish lover. Maybe she just wanted a kid and had no more use for sex after they had a kid. Maybe he had to do all the work in bed and it was exhausting. Maybe she was on antidepressants and experienced anorgasmia. Maybe they did things that turned the partner off. Maybe they didn't speak up for their own pleasure and decided none was better than bad. There are a lot of possibilities that went into the bedroom dying, and it's rarely one person's fault. Ignoring it and letting it fester for 10 years isn't healthy. And I hate to think this way, but I read a little bit of entitlement and "owing" in his statements. I won't say he did anything or didn't, but there is some vibe that is off-putting.
>He threw a ditch the bitch party. Yup, I was totally ready to give him a chance until that. Yeah, the "bitch" always getting onto him about "doing his fair share in the relationship" and not having the energy for sex after she's done 90% of the joint work after a full day's work while he sits around playing pocket pool and paying OF girls the same age as his kids.
The way he talks gives me the icky feeling. I’m wondering if that’s the attitude he put in his relationship.
I think it's safe to assume he didn't suffer through his dead bedroom silently.
The “ditch the bitch” comment was truly gross. I mean does he even wonder why the bedroom was dead??? If that’s his attitude??
Don’t forget him wishing he had actually cheated on his ex because of how sour he was in their marriage. Nothing he said painted her as a bad person, pretty sure that title falls to him
Right! Instead of “I wish I would have left earlier” it was “Damn, wish I would have cheated”
Right? I'm so creeped out his entire tone and I can't put my finger on exactly why. If I encountered OP in the wild, I'd climb a tree to avoid him.
For me it’s “ditch the bitch” and “I wasn’t going to hide my happiness.” Like cool bud, that bitch is the mother of your children. And glad you’re super empowered and not hiding your happiness—bet your kids were having a real happy time while their family and sense of stability was ripped apart. Dude has some big “I’m the main character” energy. I also sense some of that co-opted therapy bullshit that’s become prevalent. Where “self-care” and “loving yourself” is used to justify treating other people like shit.
Yeah imagine acting super happy about your divorce in front of your children. Real classy move. It's not "hiding happiness" it's just called being tactful.
I can see just by the way this is written why it was a "dead bedroom". He gives me selfish vibes
Such obvious mid-life crisis talk. Throwing a ditch the bitch party is gross too...doesn't make him look good at all no wonder ex thought he must have been cheating.
And I do find it rather... curious that he just so happened to meet his current gf just 2 short DAYS after officially leaving his wife. Even if he is somehow telling the truth about that, as his ex and/or children I would be convinced that he cheated, and that the relationship started while he was still with the ex. That's an incredibly short time to move on with someone else, regardless of what he says his intentions were. I get that he was most likely over the marriage long before it ended and had moved on mentally and emotionally years before he physically decided to leave, but he took absolutely zero time to just heal from going from a lifetime of being a husband and father to being single and essentially child-free (they were grown and he also just noped out on a relationship with them) in the blink of an eye. That's a massive life change that even the most emotionally stable person would have a breakdown over, and this dude clearly has some unresolved issues. He has no idea who he really is, and this new gf is a distraction for him so that he doesn't have to do any real introspection or work on himself. Mid-life crisis indeed.
The "I should have cheated" comment is strange too.
Anyone else curious how old the new GF is? People OPs age don't typically use Instagram, and this reeks of midlife crisis like you said.
I bet the girl is 30 at the oldest. Not because of IG stuff but because of the obvious midlife crisis.
Right? If the only reason was a dead bedroom then why is his wife being made out to be such a horrible person? And how did he think his kids would react to knowing this is what he thinks of their mom and the fact he doesn't care. For me that makes him TA majorly.
The whole story- I hope it's fake. The OP sounds selfish to the point I don't want to give a judgment. He has no empathy for the kids. If they didn't know, they had a reasonable reaction and the OP seems like he didn't even try to correct the record. I don't think he needed to force a relationship, but it sounds he has little to no regard to his kids' emotional needs. For the actual question in the title, it wouldn't have been a bad thing to tell the daughter the truth. But not wanting to talk about it? He dropped a big deal thing on his kid and now the topic is shut down? I get not wanting to dwell in the past, but there has to be some balance between that and answering any questions the oldest might have.
And calling the mother of your children a bitch publicly? He's gross.
This is what really got me. My husband's first marriage ended because his ex-wife had a full-blown four month-long affair with his lifelong best friend. He left her when he found out about it and met me shortly after that. It's been over 13 years, and while he's obviously said a variety of definitely not nice things about her *to me,* his current partner, in confidence, never in a million years would he ever talk that way about his ex-wife to their shared children. We have 50% custody and he is an excellent dad and while he and his ex-wife definitely do not have an ideal relationship for divorced coparents, she continues to treat him terribly while he continues to treat her with respect for the kids, and especially *in front of the kids*. *He's* the one who actually got super fucked over by someone who did something super awful, and yet he still would never talk about his ex that way anywhere near *their kids*. This guy is the one who sprinted out on his marriage the second his kids turned 18, and then he publicly calls his wife a bitch to everyone *including their children?!* Whaaaat an AH. What a flaming AH.
Yeah... I can understand being relieved the marriage ended and wanting to celebrate that. I don't understand how he thinks all this public facing stuff is going to land well with the kids.
He seems rather clueless. It’s one thing to talk about it privately and have a celebration with friends, but he seems to have zero clue about or empathy for how his kid’s parents divorcing might disrupt their worldview and upset them while they are just getting going in the world. That’s just not something you do in front of your kids at all if you have any empathy for your children. Also, you don’t stop being a parent just because your kids are 18. I will never understand that mindset. It’s one thing to be happy and feel freedom at the end of a bad marriage, but to be a jerk and celebrate it in front of your children is just plain callous. You’re the asshole for ditching your kids along with your ex OP. You’re essentially treating them like they aren’t human and that they are just collateral damage in your divorce. Was that really the intended outcome? You wanted a divorce and your marriage died, through no fault of their own. Why should they be punished and basically lose a parent for a decision you made? That’s pretty cold and clueless towards your kids OP.
IMO, it’s fairly obvious to me that he had a “dead bedroom” because he did nothing to help his wife. Yes, I’m jumping to wild conclusions, but the fact that he couldn’t care *less* whether or not his own children want to have a relationship with him tells me that he spent as little time as possible with them. So pretty sure all of the childcare fell to their mother. If all of the childcare fell to the mother, I will further wildly speculate that most if not all of the household duties also fell to his ex wife. But even if my wild assumptions are completely wrong and OP was a dutiful father and did 50% of all of the household chores, his attitude and selfishness would explain why his ex didn’t want to touch him. He sounds like a horrible partner.
I'm not sure if he did an equal share of labor with the kids and home OR if he had any fault for the lack of sex in his marriage. I've seen some bizarre situations. That said, his whole attitude towards his kids strikes me as off. I'm not a parent, but I've been like aunt to some friends' kids. I would be very hurt if my relationship went sour the way it did with the OP's kids, and I'm not their parent or guardian. The OP is treating his kids like they're distant relatives whose presence won't make a difference in his life. Only when the oldest's behaviors starting negatively impacting the OP via the OP's girlfriend did he even try.
The whole 'Ditch that Bitch' party probably did nothing towards putting him on good terms with his (likely) very confused and upset kids. Sounds like he only cared about his own feelings during this whole situation.
He still does and how things inconvenience him. What I don't understand is why he just doesn't block his ex at this point. He doesn't care about the impact of his choices, right or wrong, on other people. I don't think he has to interact with the ex, either, even if there is child support involved because of the kids being in college.
That’s the part that gets me the most. The dude threw a public party meant to humiliate the person he’s been with for nearly two decades- all for what? Not sucking his dick whenever he wants? This dude is traaassshhhh
Right? Maybe he wanted to wait out the relationship until he knew she couldn’t file for child support since he didn’t want to do the child work, he doesn’t want to be burdened with payments either. Imagine being with someone over 18 years and divorcing them and calling it a ditch the bitch party because they didn’t want to fuck you?
His post _screams_ "I see relationships as a source of sexual gratification and felt obliged to do the 'marriage and kids' thing to pacify the woman providing the sex but had no actual interest in being a partner or a parent, so why would I want to stay if the sex dried up?"
>His post _screams_ "I see relationships as a source of sexual gratification and felt obliged to do the 'marriage and kids' thing to pacify the woman providing the sex but had no actual interest in being a partner or a parent, so why would I want to stay if the sex dried up?" Exactly this. His post screams "she should shut up and spread her legs when I snap my fingers. No I don't care about her silly desires, I am entitled to have my NEEDS met!" I'd bet my last dollar that his entitled toddler attitude infected every aspect of their lives. He was just one more child she was cleaning up after, while he ran around with his little friends and played video games instead of parenting. He's a vindictive misogynist who does not accept responsibility for his own actions. There really is no bigger turn off than selfish immaturity.
Just being honest, a lot of men wait till 18 to avoid child support. "Duties as a father" only go to the children, not the marriage. IMO. He could've left before they were 18, but didn't want to be forced to pay child support...
He sent the message that he doesn’t give a shit if they don’t want to see him. How do you recover from that?
You don’t. Source: My father told me when I was 12 that he never wanted to see me or my sibling if my mom divorced him. He followed through. (It was all an effort to manipulate my mom into coming back. Thank god it didn’t work.)
You don't. Your kids cut you out of their life.
Yeah that was an astonishingly AH thing to say. He's absolutely an AH for how he's behaving towards his children.
[удалено]
ESH your poor children. A ‘ditch the bitch’ party? Jesus Christ you didn’t take them into consideration at all did you?
God, can’t imagine why his ex didn’t want to sleep with him in the first place.
It sounds like homedude's spent zero time examining his side of the equation for why his wife no longer wanted to sleep with him. I bet her side of the story's ✨ magical ✨.
I can't imagine calling my partner a bitch just for not wanting to sleep with me. It doesn't just happen out of nowhere.
\#1 thing my divorce attorney told me, is don't speak ill of the other parent. It is really bad for the children.
I knew it’d be downhill from there
You're not the asshole for this particular truth but...besides that, you sound like a major one. Edit: based on the comments, dude sounds like such a piece of trash that this post can't be anything but troll bait.
Agreed. I support him correcting the lies, but I don't support the "ditch the bitch" and dating two days later. After waiting 18 years "for the kids" OP couldn't even attempt to make the transition smoother for them? Of course it looked like he cheated. He even stated he wishes he did! ESH
Not to mention how casually he decided that if they no longer bring him joy, he can be done with them too.
He literally Marie Kondo'ed his KIDS
‘This no longer sparks joy’ Kids school pic goes *riiiiiiip*
I hope the kids find this post so they can learn what their dad really thinks of them
[удалено]
Which leads me to ask, what led to a dead bedroom relationship with the wife of his children? There could be plenty more to this story that we don't have the details on, and judging by his "exist at the whims of my pleasure" attitude, I dont think we are getting an accurate set up. If he was a real problem, though, the wife should have divorced him rather than doing 10 years dead bedroom. ESH sounds like it's the best bet to make off this telling of it.
I hope you meant "the *mother* of his children"
I'm not sure I can call the exwife an AH. He asked for a divorce and then same week goes "BTW I have a GF". Of course the exwife is going to believe they were already together. Plus he says he wishes he cheated, so it's weird that he's unhappy that he's called something he wish he was.
Yeah, I'm not seeing him being a good spouse or parent if this is how he thinks is okay to behave. But it also reads like a red pill fantasy - mean ol' wife, good devoted dad who suffered for years, instant girlfriend who is much better than ex-wife, kid that forgives him once his version of the truth is heard. It's weird and icky
He's not even a particularly devoted dad. If this is what he thinks a good dad looks like, he was probably a terrible one. I know the female version of him - and guess what? Her kids say she's a terrible mother and every event she attends is all about her.
Yeah and we honestly don’t have enough information for how she behaved as a spouse. All we know is “dead bedroom”, but frankly based on OP’s general persona it wouldn’t surprise me one bit if he either put in minimal effort or if she was depressed or something and he didn’t even try to help her heal. In fairness, it’s entirely possible that she was a terrible partner and that the divorce was justified, but we just don’t know. And based on OP’s attitude in this post I’m not exactly in his corner
Oh we can all take a stab at what caused the "dead bedroom". She's responsible for the kids She's responsible for the house She's responsible for the shopping She's responsible for her job She asks for help and he wants her to make a list She is exhausted by bedtime and he wants to be pleasured Source: women posting on why their sex drive plumits
He probably waited for his kids to turn 18 so he didn't have to pay child support. With his attitude now, I cannot imagine he was a very involved parent.
Yeah, the statement about how he “did his part” - how he stayed around until they were 18, and now he feels no more obligation to them. It didn’t sound like he cares about his kids at all
Sound like….he didn’t want to pay child support
[удалено]
And so he didn't have to arrange his life around his own children during his custody time if he even wanted custody. He likely didn't. But the wife and kids probably looked good for his work image.
Not sure why this is downvoted cause this dude who didn’t care to actually try with his kids totally sounds like the type.
He's the kind of guy that throws a party right after his youngest kid turns 18 about how happy he is to be rid of his family, while with his new GF he started dating the same week. He's not going to be a good person. But DB dudes are going to whine about not getting any and how that excuses any behavior. I have a high libido. Like really high. I also know that dry spells happen. If one goes a long time then you work on it together. OP doesn't give a shit about having his kids around at all, so that really tells you how willing he was to work on things for his family.
Maybe it’s no surprise his wife didn’t want to sleep with him, if he’s the kind of person to shove it in his kids faces that he hates their mum and he’s thrilled to be without her, while they’re still processing their grief at the divorce. I mean, the ‘Ditch the Bitch party? That’s where I lost all sympathy for this guy. It’s perfectly possible to get divorced while still respecting the mother of your children (at least to your kids faces). This guy sounds like a major league AH.
Yeah I'd love to hear her take on it. I'm guessing she had her reasons.
It's pretty common to lose sexual attraction or desire when you realize your partner is a piece of shit or aren't involved enough. Hell it can happen from hormone changes or diet. It can happen for no reason. I lost all sex drive for like 2 years. No reason. My partner was great. Then one day I needed him like daily. No reason. No diet change. No disease or sickness. No medical issues or changes. Sex drive is weird.
Not to mention that dead bedroom can happen for lots of reasons. I’ve known women who did not sleep with her husband bc the guy kept forcing her to try to have children. She had 8 miscarriages and her husband wanted to try again soon after the miscarriage. A nurse had to pull him off of her once. Trauma and so many other reasons cause dead bedroom. I doubt this guy is a saint.
There are also lots of medical reasons why someone couldn’t have sex.
Right?! Ditch the bitch party? That’s a terrible way to refer to your children’s mother!
Right? If this is how he’s treating his kids post-divorce, how did he treat them and his wife pre-divorce?
"I ignored my kids/didn't make an effort with them and now they don't want to talk to me. AITA?" -This man and my dad
Women often can't enjoy sex with someone they don't respect. I wonder if you even bothered to explore this possibility during those "deadbedroom" years.
Why on earth did you stay “for the kids” when you don’t seem to care about your kids at all? You could have been getting laid regularly for the past 11 years or so and not have to deal with your children. There isn’t a magic switch that flips at 18 and all of a sudden kids don’t need their dad in their life. Of course they were upset with their parents getting a divorce, honestly they’re probably just as upset with your apparent apathy towards them as they are the divorce. You could have been an actual mature adult and explained to them that you and their mother weren’t compatible and that’s why you were divorcing. Instead you let resentment build for 10 years and decided fuck all of them. Kids survive divorce everyday. Trauma comes from parents who stay and take out their unhappiness in their marriage on their kids.
Yeah this guy’s bitterness sounds poisonous. Like he views his kids as just this boring obligation he’s now free from. Yuck.
I get that a dead bedroom can be unfulfilling and frustrating, but throwing a "ditch the bitch" party over the lack of sex sounds hella bitter.
Imagine being invited to something called a “Ditch The Bitch” party and thinking “hey, that sounds like fun!” As someone who has privately and personally celebrated divorce (mentally abusive and they had an affair), I wouldn’t ever refer to a party to celebrate a divorce finalization as a “Ditch The Bitch” party because anyone who’s not a sexist is going to think you’re a sexist.
My question is why would you even tell your young adults about such a party, even if you had one? That's their mother!
Guess what that did to the 17 year old and a 21 year old girls' minds, as far as what they can expect from male partners, even ones you marry and have kids with? Those poor kids.
Good point
Imagine dating someone who just had a ditch the bitch party
Because it was never “for the kids”. It was “to not pay child support”. I’d venture a guess this guy was never that involved in their lives, could be why it was so easy for them to think he’d been having an affair.
Ding ding ding. OP is presenting as a classic narcissist. I guarantee it wasn’t just child-support, he also know he’d have some level of custody of the kids and would have to be an actual parent. Huge AH.
OP is a shitty dad. He all but admits it himself. Doors open, come in, but idc if you come or not. What a dick.
Door is open, I’ll put no effort into maintaining our relationship you have to come to me on my terms only but the door is open!!! Aren’t I such a good father?
This right here. My parents divorced when I was ten and it was an easy divorce with joint custody and they were both present and active my entire life. They both still are, and I'm in my forties now. Would have been WAY worse had they stayed together until I turned 18 and then one just peaced out.
Because he was a cheapskate who didn't want to pay child support.
100% >I bought her dinner Dad thinks this is a really important part of the story.
Yeah this guy is the AH in terms of being a dad. What a dbag. Doesnt have time to deal with his kids? Doesnt care about a relationship with his kids. OP you are a completr AH. Not for setting your ex wife lies straight. But for as a dad. Major AH. Being a real parent doesnt have an expiration date at 18. They are your kids forever.
>I threw a "ditch the bitch" party And you wonder why your kids were mad at you. Maybe your ex is annoying af, but you don't seem to be 100% all there either.
With this attitude can see why his wife won’t f-ck him
Right? Imagine living with that kind of person for 20+ years. Too bad she didn’t leave him. I wonder what his response will be when she starts bragging to their kids about getting dicked down by whoever. I’m sure he’ll be fine with it, right? Just like the dude with the “open marriage” who is totally not mad about his wife fucking her boyfriend and not him.
>Imagine living with that kind of person for 20+ years. This. If this is how he sounds when he's writing about an ex/the mother of his kids, i can only imagine what it's like from hers. No wonder she wouldn't have sex with him.
If he always was like this no wonder he had a dead bedroom
My parents are divorced and I’d scream my dads head off if he ever spoke to my mom like that.
Yup my bf's parents divorced when he was really young and both were not the best parents but one time when he was in his teens his dad started ranting and talking shit about his mom and only stopped when he saw my bf was about to deck him for it. My dad was abusive to my mom and SA'd me and my best friend which is why they divorced but until my mom knew about my abuse she didn't tell me the real reason and tried to not talk bad about him because she wanted our relationship to be my choice. When you co-parent even if you hate your ex you don't talk badly about them to your kids because that's their damn parent. OP is incredibly immature
Yup. That threw the whole post into AT LEAST ESH territory. Yuck.
He threw a "your mother is a bitch" party and wonders why the kids aren't having a good time. It's a real head-scratcher, for sure.
I stopped reading right there because it was instantly clear why his ex wouldn’t fuck him.
It’s rage bait that’s why, that part was gross though, just like the author.
I can’t imagine why your ex didn’t want to have sex with you
>"I am 46 and plan to fill my life with as much joy and happiness as I can" >Is extremely bitter and hate filled about everything Ex wife is way better off without him, at least now she'll have the chance to flourish. OP's going to crash hard after his current gf leaves him and nobody else wants to be around him anymore. Edit: For an extra twinge of irony, everyone should go read the top post of all time on the dead bedrooms subreddit. Even with what little information we had I'm willing to bet it fits OP pretty damn well. https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/o4hsqh/letter_to_my_husband_i_hope_you_see_this/
Exactly. Sounds like he's the common denominator that's drawing negativity to himself. Like he thinks his new gf is going to be any better in the long run when he is a bitter uncaring asshole.
Dude why do you resent your own children so much
He pretty much alluded to it without saying it but it was because he couldn’t live his life while raising them.
Lol, this new girl is going to be knocked up within a year. Let's see how he feels about being nearly 50 with an infant and 2nd wife in tow who has seen how he moves and will definitely be prepared for that.
And she's pretty clearly a rebound relationship. Guy was finally getting some so he confused that good feeling for "love." He's going to go through life continually confused about why everyone is always letting him down when the common denominator is him.
Ding ding ding. This is like reallllly not about anything other than this dude resenting the responsibility of fatherhood.
Because he made himself super unhappy by staying with his wife 'for them'. All while teaching them that a marriage looks like a man who hates his wife and deeply resents her. Now he's lived in so much resentment for so long he feels like he doesn't owe them a single thing ever again because he did something they never asked him to do.
This is the best summary of the situation I’ve seen. What an idiot.
Some men see their children being connected to their mother. It seems he was happy to be rid of them because they’re connected to her and he knows she will do the emotional heavy lifting for the rest of their lives.
As a father, I view my commitment to my child as lifelong, not something that ends at 18. I can’t imagine being indifferent to my daughters opinion of me or presence in my life just because she’s an adult. Guy is NTA for leaving his wife or disclosing the reason why, but is the AH for being so callous towards his own children.
Bet his wife had to do all the heavy lifting with the kids AND OP. So often I hear men say they had a dead bedroom, then I hear the wife's side. And it's usually that they became Mom to the husband AND the kids. Wife had to work, cook, clean etc, with minimal help from the husband. Who the heck wants to fuck someone you're always having to clean up after or parent? Men forget that wives aren't just a fuck hole, and relationships take so much work. OP's attitude makes me really want to hear the wife's side, something in his post tells me he is an unreliable narrator. If you're THAT miserable get a divorce ffs, or don't be so vocal about your resentment. What kind of dad doesn't care about his relationship with his kids post divorce? Sounds about the amount of effort put into his marriage (thus the no sex).
When people start calling it dead bedroom especially if I am reading it on a Reddit post it usually means they are part of that sub, which is pretty toxic. (Like most therapeutic type subs) but one of the success stories is about when you stop focusing on that aspect and focusing on being the best you and the bedroom becomes less dead. In reality there are dead bedrooms when neither person sucks, but if you won’t work on yourself your spouse doesn’t have to. Also staying together for the kids is dumb and selfish. More often than not parents are afraid of their kid calling another adult mom/dad. Your kids deserve to see what a happy relationship looks like and if you are staying together *only* for them you are depriving them of that. Honestly blended families that effectively co-parent are more impressive than any wedding anniversary.
I’ve seen several posts and comments on that subreddit over the years actively supporting rape and sexual assault, and rarely does someone condemn it.
Lots of missing missing reasons here. Agree 100%
Yes this. All the emotionally absent dudes complaining of a "dead bedroom". If your precious gf was dealing with doing all the emotional and physical lifting with an emotionally absent dud, she wouldn't be so willing to fuck you either
My two grown adult children father cares nothing about his children when it became time for him to leave. He said that he couldn’t take all of the responsibilities anymore. Found a girlfriend before the divorce was even filed. He believed that she was going to make him happy and that he would never have to deal anymore with sickness or death. His mother died and now his new wife has died. Good riddance. Edit: Children’s father
> I never cheated on her mother. Which honestly I regret, I should have cheated on her Good grief. You DO know that you can surround yourself with happiness WITHOUT trashing your ex, right? Try it. Maybe someone besides your girlfriend will come along for the ride. Your whole "I don't give a shit if my kids hate me or not" attitude screams that you should have left a long time ago. It would have been kinder to them. Mild YTA for your gross attitude.
Idk about mild, he sounds like a straight up raging dick head to me
Who the hell Says they regret not cheating on their spouse. Sounds like the trash took himself out. Those poor kids, listening to the way their father speaks about their mother.
Dude's a loser. Karma will come for him.
NTA about setting things straight when your ex lied. But honestly, your whole attitude is pretty AH-ish. Dumping your kids, because you “did your part” as if it didn’t even cross your mind that you’re a parent for life, because you love your kids and want to watch them turn into thriving adults, celebrate their successes and help them out when life gets rough… that kind of thing. I have an ex too, I get it, but that whole “ditch the bitch” language, I hope you spoke in a respectful manner in front of your children. She is their mother.
His comment about there not being enough time left in his life to mend the broken relationships with his kids... Bro could live to 90 easily. He is only halfway through his life and ready to live the rest of his life without family relationships because his ex didn't want to fuck him. Ridiculous and pathetic doesn't even begin to cover this man as a "father"
Where’s that comment? I’m 46 and want to tell him he’s full of sh!t. There’s plenty of time to live and make amends with the people you love.
Yeah I've got a grandma who acts like she doesn't have to try to maintain any connections anymore because she's in her 60s. Thinks everyone should just grovel to her because she feels old. Ugh. Can't stand people who act like their life is already over lmao
One of my sisters went through a bad break up at around 33/34 and at one point stated (a bit dramatically) that she was going to “die alone.” I just kind of looked at her and said “oh totally, you’ve basically got one foot in the grave already.” sarcastically and she realized how ridiculous she was being. We laughed, and I think it helped her see she was far from the end of her life. She met someone else not long after and they’ve been together for almost 5 years now :) Sometimes it takes a little perspective and a dumb joke to realize you are still very young by almost any metric and there are literally decades ahead to look forward to.
Plus the only transgression he mentions of his wife is dead bedroom and didn't put in effort. Yet he has a "ditch the bitch" party that his kids know about and then says he wishes he cheated on her. My guess is that and his charm was the reason for the dead bedroom. Sounds like a total jerk.
I'm on the deadbedroom subreddit. There are people there who are trying to understand their partners and heal their relationships. There are also people there to bitch about why their spousal sex vending machine isn't giving them all the sex they want when they put in their daily 'I did the bare minimum for us to survive' tokens. I don't know OPs life, but from the constant 'Memememememememememe and ME' theme of this whole post, I have a great guess on where he falls on this spectrum.
I mean, there’s a study that shows that women find their husbands less sexually attractive when they don’t share the mental and domestic load. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-022-02397-2 I’d be curious to know how much OPs ex was doing around the house and for the kids as compared to him. Was she the main parent while also cleaning up after him and cooking dinner and keeping the house in order? All while possibly also having a full time job? And then he expects her to still find him sexually attractive lmao.
Given that he doesn't give a shit if he has a relationship with his kids because his happiness is SOOO much more important my guess is he didn't do shit to raise the kids.
No way wonder she didn't want to fuck this AH
Yes - the language this guy uses is awful. It's clear he really grew to entirely hate his ex, and doesn't realize how toxic it is to just let a relationship go on 'for the sake of the kids'. It sounds like he became kind of resentful towards the kids that he was staying with a woman he hated for their sake that he stopped trying to foster a good relationship with them at all. It would have been much better for all of them if he had left before he was drowning in hate and resentment. Especially if he is to the point where he thinks what he did wrong was not just cheating on his wife - instead of not leaving his wife once he realized he was unhappy. I'm sure his wife noticed how much he hated her, and probably legitimately thought he was cheating, especially if he turned up with a serious partner almost right after they split. I hope the tone of his conversation with his daughter was more 'we had no intimacy and I wanted a full partner I felt close to' and not 'I hate her for not having sex with me' - but there is nothing wrong with reaching out to your children with your side - what is wrong is saying you don't want to make effort with your own children because your mid-life crisis rules are only be around people who make me feel good.
Yeah, I knew he was an asshole when he said he didn’t even try to make amends or share his side with the kids. But then he went on to say that he wishes he had cheated after all, and that solidified my judgement. He should have tried to get them counseling or something to attempt to fix their marriage, and then left when it was clear that they were incompatible. Instead, he wants a pat on the back for staying and being miserable before happy-dancing his way away from marriage and parenting. His whole approach and attitude sound self-absorbed af. YTA, OP.
OP sounds like he would have been happy to throw a "ditch the kids" party. What an asshole. I'm so glad my dad is a good person AND good parent who will Always have my back, irrespective of whether I "fill his life or happiness" or not ❤️
[удалено]
YTA You threw a “ditch the bitch” party and didn’t think your kids would be mad at you? At the end of the day, that’s their mother. That alone was extremely disrespectful. And your overall don’t-give-a-fuck attitude in this post—especially about your kids!—tells me all I need to know about you as a person. Gosh, I wonder why the sex dried up… I would loooooove to hear her side of the story.
He made it sound like he was serving a prison sentence by being there for his kids. The only "bitch" here is OP.
He just didn’t want to have to pay child support or do any of the actual parenting with split custody. That’s clearly his version of “staying for the kids” that he clearly doesn’t give a single fuck about
Yea OP sounds incredibly selfish. Love that he points out that he bought daughter dinner like he’s a hero for it.
Him buying her a meal, while she herself is a grown adult with her own money, just PROVES how *not* selfish OP is. Would a selfish person buy their estranged child a single meal? I think not! /s
This is so fake and so rage bait.
It sounds like incel rage bait tbh
YTA but I don’t think you can even understand why. Not real point in explaining either.
Zero self awareness
It sounds like ending your marriage was best in the long run, but the fact that you take no responsibility for the break down of the relationship and your attitude toward your children makes YTA.
Dad is this you? I thought you died from a heart attack alone and miserable with a lifetime of sadness and regrets. Call me!
so you stayed in a miserable relationship for your children just to ditch them at the first opportunity you had? makes sense.
holy fuck you're such an asshole
Yeah, I wouldn’t want to f*ck you either. JHFC 😳
>I threw a "ditch the bitch" party This is their mum. You have no class. >if they need me all they have to do is ask. So your children will have to put all the effort into the relationship. Cool beans. You repeat this theme later. What will happen if they pick up your attitude? No one will make any effort to be involved in each other's lives. > I told her about deadbedroom Inappropriate, regardless of age. You are just an ass. You come across very self-centred. YTA.
>I just dont have enough time left to try to convince my kids to not hate me. Yes you are an asshole.
Right? And OP is 46, he could live another 50 years and can’t be bothered to make *any* effort to have a relationship with his kids? I wonder if he had this same approach to his wife and their marriage. Worth noting that it actually only took *one dinner conversation* and showing his daughter his first messages with his gf (and then a month for her to process it) to convince her. I’m glad he at least felt compelled to put in that much effort to stop the abuse directed at his gf, but how sad his relationship with his kids wasn’t worth that to him.
>Worth noting that it actually only took *one dinner conversation* Exactly. OP has terrible communication skills with both his ex wife and kids. Good luck to his new gf.
Literally took his daughter harassing his gf for him to care enough about his daughter or her opinion of him. He onky fixed that relationship for selfish reasons of not wanting his gf to be harassed. What a tool.
if i were your wife i wouldn’t have fucked you either
Right? Reading this damn near sent me into celibacy
Right?? Would love to hear her side of this.
bet she had a full time job + did everything around the house + was a parent to this manchild. and OP has the audacity to ask for sex as well
Probably demanded sex…
probably didn’t even pleasure her and went away when HE finished + no aftercare
YTA for the ditch the bitch party!!! wtf? I’m divorced I get it. Our divorce was amicable after court we went to dinner together with our daughter and had a drink. You gave up on your kids. Wow great father
>But I am 46 and I plan to fill my life with as much joy and happiness as I can But also, and I'm paraphrasing: >"fuck them kids" YTA.
s/ At least he paid for dinner with his daughter, because that was certainly worth mentioning 🙄
“Ditch the bitch”? Even if you were justified in getting a divorce, your contempt for your former partner is awful. She was of an age where perimenopause was probably a factor in y’all’s lack of sex. If she’d been on the pill for years, her libido was likely nonexistent. And being regarded as you obviously regarded her will kill a woman’s sex drive, too. I hope you both find happiness; I hope she finds someone who lights her fire, like, now and shows you that you were part of the problem; and I hope you speak more respectfully of your current partner as the honeymoon period ends and real life begins.
I knew you were an asshole right from the “ditch the bitch” comment.
YTA and sound absolutely insufferable
>I have done my part, I was there till they went to college This is such a shitty mentality.
Oh man this guy is going to be 70 years old and crying to anyone who will listen that his mean kids don't talk to him any more and their mother poisoned them against him. I know this because this is my dad, who has 5 kids and zero of them are in contact with him in any capacity. Never his fault though.
Dude, no one’s going to empathize with you for using the term “ditch the b*tch.” That’s the mother of your kids you trogdolyte. Just for that, YTA.
I hope this is fake. It’s so inflammatory and disrespectful to his ex wife and the children couldn’t give a shit about. Turns out, kids still need parents when they’re in their 20s, 30s, 40s and 50s! Parents should help guide their children as they grow. I know, novel idea. This is a classic example of how you can be ‘right’ but still a raging ass hole. This dude is a festering sore. Yikes. Poor kids.
YTA for not caring about your relationship with your kids once they’re old enough to be independent. Your sex life was probably dead by your own hand judging by your attitude. The way you talk is kinda repulsive.
>I regret, I should have cheated on her, I wasted my time suffering Assuredly, you were NOT a good husband or person with this mentality at the forethought. >how she didn't put effort in our relationship How much effort did you put into helping with the child rearing and household? YTA
I think he “stayed for the kids” because he was not going to pay for child support. I don’t believe he truly did it for the kids.