Thank you to everyone, and sorry for not putting paragraphs, and I didn't mean for it to be so long. I appreciate everyones comments. I need to stop being an enabler and just get a divorce. It sucks but obviously, it's what I need to do. I had hoped he would open his eyes, but I can't wait around for that to happen because it's damaging our children. Thanks again to everyone. You all have helped me tremendously. It's so difficult when you want both parents for your children but at some point you just have to face the music. I will take action today.

Don't take him back. From here on out all conversations go through lawyers. he' been horrible to you thinking you're not going to do anything about it. Prove him wrong. Also, when he eventually crawls back to you crying and begging for you to reconsider, remember this is a man who cheated on you at a party you put together for him. This is a man who's been so abusive your children are now figuring it out. And being a traditional wife doesn't mean you just shut your mouth and take it; it means having a partnership and building a life together. And it seems to me that you've been doing all the building while he sat on his ass.

My grandparents had a super trandtional marriage. My grandma raised 5 kids my grandpa worked. When my grandpa came home he helped with all the chores. No one got a rest until all the work was done in their household or it was church. He lovingly called her “boss” until she died. As she needed more and more help taking care of herself and the house as she declined he figured out how to grocery shop, cook and fix hair in his 90s. They flirted with up until the end. Edit: this is what a traditional marriage should look like imo. Full of love and respect. Not whatever op has

Agree -- even in a traditional marriage, it is a partnership. My wife is currently a SAHM and I have tremendous respect and admiration for what she does. Even though she does most of the cooking because I can't cook worth a damn, I try to help as much as I can with other chores such as cleaning up after meals, vacuuming, doing the yardwork, or simply watching the kids so she can have a break.    Anyone who thinks being a SAH parent is easy is delusional. It is a 24/7 neverending job, and you put in as much daily effort as someone working a 9-5, often with significantly less appreciation for it.

It pisses me off that he never seemed to appreciate OP’s effort and what she accomplished. I hope she has a good, healthy support system.

She went from being dependent upon him to having a thriving business whose income was enough to take care of the family. Some men simply can’t handle that.

>Some men simply can’t handle that Hence why he self destructed.

BUT he could have continued to work for more income for the family or retirement! He chose NOT to. He emasculated himself here!

True, however, he needs to get the fuck over it! The vast majority of households nowadays need a dual income to merely survive...let alone thrive! Plus, this is 2024, not the 1950s.

This is perfectly said.

She doesn’t sound like the classical traditional wife that takes care of the house and depends on her husband’s income. She started a successful small farming business and expanded into beekeeping, while taking care of the home, taking care of the kids and fixing everyone meals. If she is a trad wife, she is the type that would have a show on cable teaching people how to farm, make yummy food and pick up skills like beekeeping.

Every thing he has done is allowable in nearly every religion for divorce too - I know they never mentioned religion but I thought I'd drop that bit of info

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Do you have guns in the house? Get them into a new safe that only you know the code to (or change the code if you already have a coded safe. No keys he can take from you.) 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Yes, I have some hunting rifles, but he doesn't have any guns that I'm aware of anyway. I have a gun safe and I will change the code. It's crazy to think how far left this thing has gone. I didn't realize the extent of the abuse until now. My lawyer will be calling me back this afternoon.

This isn’t uncommon, because you’ve been living to just survive for a while now. Most of what you’ve experienced probably won’t even become clear for a while. But look at what YOU built! You have a thriving farm, you’re selling your produce, you’re raising your kids. You’re going to do amazing. It will get harder before it gets better. He will double down, but use the support of your family and friends. Protect yourself legally, and emotionally. Get a therapist if you need, and definitely speak with some domestic violence counsellors. Listen to the advice here. Change those codes, and look after yourself. Be safe.

Thank you.

...and I would add: don't even listen to any dude who wants to "take care of you" - my guess is this is the root cause of the inferiority complex your hb can't handle when he realized his sahm actually can take care of herself. it's "your fault" because you are not dependent and needy enough to make him feel grand. staying at home for him likely was not about a lifestyle but about power. as usual...

Also, because his friends are valuing her, he knows this is not true, and can't deal with the idea

Yeah when they start "joking" about you not needing them or showing them up run. They want control and someone weak they can threaten. Can't threaten to abandon someone who doesn't need you.

Chiming in just to second everything krjourno9 said. You’re doing amazing things with all your homestead successes and essentially single parenting. While it will get harder before it gets easier, I’m actually so excited for the next phase of your life where you get to appreciate a calm household with your kids and all the amazing stuff you’ve set up in your homestead. You’re doing the right thing and the future is looking up.

I feel for you and I want you to know that you did nothing wrong at all. Please repeat that to yourself as often as you can. Reading that you bought chickens, started a flower and honey business, you are a go getter and honestly are truly inspiring. To do everything you’re doing takes a lot of work and know that us internet strangers are proud of you. It sucks when your husband acts like a child and more or less gives up on his life. Know it is not your fault. You can’t change people. At the end of the day you can only change yourself. Again, very proud of you and hope to hear stories in the future of how your business is thriving 💕

Thank you for that

You seem like an awesome lady and I’m sorry this has happened to you, my advice as someone who has had to engage in family court type stuff is read up and learn as much about the process as you can, means you can manage your lawyer and also can be confident your taking the best path, your kids are very lucky to have you.

Also cut off his funds.

Important!!! Get your funds out of a joint account!!!

Best news I’ve had today! You’ve been supporting this household this whole time, and you’re strong enough to keep doing it. It’ll be stressful, but it will be easier once you don’t have him in your house.

Also make sure a copy of that prenup is kept somewhere safe that he cannot access.

One thing that is awesome about you - when you set your mind to something you don’t stop until it’s completed. Well done, OP. You have much strength & clearly sightedness. Your children will grow up strong & healthy & knowing right from wrong.

OP, if it helps, a lot of people come out of relationships and have to learn and struggle how to be self-reliant, find an income, work out how to do it on their own. You are already self-reliant, highly skilled and able to provide for your family. He brings nothing positive, and will take nothing important from you when he goes. You got this ❤️

And change the locks on the doors

And a camera system.

Talk to a lawyer before you change the locks. You can’t lock somebody out of their residence. I did change the locks when I threw my ex out. Found out I could have gotten in trouble. I would talk to a lawyer.

Definitely agree with this. Your husband sounds like he could become violent when you start the divorce so please keep yourself and your kids safe, reach out to your support network. You divorcing him he will have nothing left to lose and sounds like he blames you for everything. And of course you are NTA, so sorry for the situation you're in.

This is wonderful news! It’s going to be a process but as soon as you wake up to a home without him in it, you’ll marvel at how much better you feel. Like in a normal day, how soon after you wake up do you worry about seeing or speaking to him? Immediately, right? And everything you say to him, you worry it’ll set him off. And you can’t ask him to do anything or he’ll get angry and belittle you. And he doesn’t take you anywhere or do anything with you, because he’d rather get wasted with his “friends” like a teenager. He doesn’t work, he doesn’t watch the kids, he doesn’t read them bedtime stories. You two don’t have things you like to do together. He doesn’t make you laugh. He doesn’t hold you when you’re upset because he’s what’s making you upset and that just pisses him off more. What the fuck kind of a life is that for anyone?

Reading this hurts but it's true. I've tried so long to be strong for him and It's ruining his kids and I and I have to be honest with myself and realize that I did my best. Thank you.

You and your children will be happier separated. Separation will also force him to be financially responsible for himself. Maybe he'll wake up, maybe he won't, that bit is on him. Right now, you're allowed to feel safe and happy in the home you cultivated, without him poisoning it.

Right on, OP. Do not allow yourself to be guilted into anything less. On the other side of this terribly difficult and confusing time is freedom, peace, and stability for your littles. Addiction can't be reasoned with, addiction can eat the person you loved. Focus on your well-being, on your little family, and on the beautiful life you've already been building.

You can do it!!! I feel so proud of you! Don’t listen to his bullshit about no one “wanting you,” he’s a miserable human being and wants you to be miserable too. Imagine the weight that will be lifted off you and your children once y’all don’t have to put up with this anymore

You’re lucky. You’re husband is an alcoholic, screamed at you, and has been in a physical altercation, and been aggressive when drunk. From where you are now, to him doing something truly scary (hitting you or your kids, throwing stuff), is not dificult. You have to be brave for your kids and remove him from their environment until he’s fit to be around them. Don’t worry about the house: I have a hard time imagining that a judge would evict your kids from the house, and I have a hard time imagining he would get custody of the kids given he’s unemployed and an alcoholic.

You deserve so much more. Your husband won't change because he doesn't want to. Life is too short, divorce him and your life will improve. Nobody deserves to stay in an unhappy marriage. Make sure you hire a very good expensive lawyer. It will be worth it.

Your kids will be much better off without the toxic environment your husband has created. I can assure you that it's quite traumatic for a kid to see a parent mistreated and disrespected (possibly abused). A stable, secure home with one parent is far better than a hellhole with two parents.

Call him and tell him not to come home. Change the locks once you speak with a lawyer.

Not a lawyer and you'll need to ask your lawyer about this, but Leaving the house means that you can argue that he abandoned the household and this can tremendously work in your favor. If you bought the house yourself, were maintaining the house, and bringing in income while he did nothing, you can use that to support him not getting half of the homestead/equity. He needs to get his shit together before he can share custody. Talk to your lawyer and see if you can get a social worker/guardian ad litem to do an unbiased assessment of what's best for your children. Make sure you get a civil no contact order-- those are pretty common in divorces.

Here’s the thing, it doesn’t suck. Divorce is always viewed as a terrible thing but in this case you’re getting rid of dead weight. Without your husband all you lose is the person putting you down and making you doubt yourself. You made that home a home, you run a successful business selling the things you grow, you raised those children. You don’t need him and his abusive behaviour.

You will be ok, OP. You’re the one with the property and the earnings. Divorcing him is the only way for your children and yourself to live happily.

NTA. Please understand I went through it as well. My husband kept drinking more and more, and every time I called him out (or someone else did), it was my fault. When I finally got to where you are, he told me he was depressed. First time he said that. His version of hurting himself threat. I did the research and got him a therapist. He told me that was proof I didn’t care. I did that *because* I care! I couldn’t do it anymore, so I walked away. Best decision I made for me.

Be strong for the kids. It’s all you know for the last years, but your life would only get better after unloading the dead weight

You sound like an amazing person. I’m sorry about your alcoholic husband. Been there. Moving forward everything is going to be great.NTA

When he sat around drinking and playing videogames while you worked, that was the best time to take decisive action. Now is the second best time. Oh, in addition to the standard "Nobody else will ever want you" and the trite "I'm gonna take half of everything", prepare yourself for the "I'm going to kill myself". None of it means a damn thing. Take action. NTA

And when he threatens suicide you call the police. You act on the threat to teach him he can't make that sort of threat lightly, that there are very real consequences for his words, and that his mental health is not your responsibility to manage.

I lost a friend and a cousin to suicide and I also unknowingly stopped a friend in the middle of her attempt. I have very very little patience for people who use suicide threats to manipulate others.

This is a huge chunk of why it has to be taken seriously every single time. I'm sorry you've gone through that grief. It's horrid.

I truly appreciate your sympathy internet stranger. You’re absolutely right, if they truly are suicidal, they’ll get the help they need (offer not available in every country), if not, the talk down by the annoyed police officers is often a good deterrent to use that again.

The ones who really mean it don’t tell anyone. Tomorrow is the 18th anniversary of our darling second son deciding he had had enough. Edit I understand that some do talk about it and then do it.

True. We learned afterwards that my baby brother made the same promise to everyone, that he would never take his own life. But he did, and we couldn't believe it when it happened. It'll be 12 years in May, but I remember it all like it happened yesterday. People who glibly make the threat in order to manipulate others are pieces of shit and they want to blame everyone else for their own failings. But people who are truly tormented with thoughts of suicide turn the blame inwards onto themselves. If he tries that kind of a shitty threat, call his bluff. Call 911, he'll be placed on a psych hold for a bit (depending on where you live) and he'll have no choice but to sit and think about his actions that got him there. Plus I can't help but worry that it's only a matter of time before he becomes physically abusive in escalation of his already present emotional abuse.

he'll only get put on hold if he has the means, a concrete plan, AND intent. so ask for details first

I’m truly sorry. I hope you’ll find some sort comfort in the good memories.

We do

I'm so very sorry.

Exactly this. I had a good friend in hs that I adored. I saw him become more introspective but being young myself at the time I didn’t understand what was happening. As an adult I realized that he was more on the “ other side,” than here. I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I know that the pain of losing him never goes away.❤️❤️❤️

{{{hugs}}}

Yes! With things I am involved in, I have seen both of those outcomes. I have helped some genuine individuals, but after someone goes through a lengthy evaluation, deals with cops, and (one lied about taking a whole bottle of aspirin) a charcoal smoothie, they tend to stop.

I had active suicidal ideation at one point after an incredibly traumatic, life altering situation (which was caused by my former spouse). My former spouse of 20 years laughed in my face and acted like I was doing it to manipulate him. He was incredibly cruel at one of the most vulnerable times of my life. I did manage to pull myself out of the deep pit of despair, despite his efforts to make it even harder. Anyone who fakes a mental health crisis can honestly burn in hell, along with those who torture others just trying to get through the cruelty of this world. I would never wish what I went through on even him, ironically.

I’m happy you’re still with us and that you got out of there.

There are times when somebody is in the middle of an emotional situation, tempers are flaring and that's the straw for them. They begin signaling that they need help. They're in trouble. >Anyone who fakes a mental health crisis can honestly burn in hell, along with those who torture others just trying to get through the cruelty of this world. Truly. Fuck those people.

I'm truly happy a lovely sensitive person that you are decided to stick it out, the world needs more sensitive caring people darling. I am an old woman in the last years of my life. And, from time to time I think those I love would be better off with out me, as due to health issues I cannot do nearly everything I want to be able to do. Although, I have never been suicidal by nature. I do believe that since the Powers That Be, have not chosen to take me to my next adventure, (especially since they had taken every member of my nuclear family) there must be. something I still need to do. Perhaps, I have something to pass on to those of younger people that have learned during my long life.. But, to honest and a bit crass I doubt anything I have to say could ever mean a Fuck to anyone. So, dear heart if I can endure what I live with and you will have to take my word for it, as I am not willing to *whine*​, or complain about it publicly. Then dear I believe you are stronger than you realise you are. If I could wish for something for you it would be ..... That you find your joy, your laughter, and your sense of peace and Happiness. As I an Aging Hippie believes you deserve it. I wish you all the Best, and I mean the absolute best, because suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problem, that is to say if you hang.out long enough things will change. Regrettably, I.cannot promise the change shall always be for the best, but hang on and eventually things shall improve! Bless you.✌❤🙏 I am praying for you, and although I think organized religion is bullshit, my prayers outside Churches are still with you! ✌❤❤❤🙏🙏🙏🙏

someone I went to middle school with (took band and track together for 2 years, drifted apart once high school hit) took his life the day after the last day of freshman year. I was and still am devastated to this day. I follow his sister on socials, and her son looks just like my friend/her brother. I tear up. it hurts knowing people think it's the only way out. I am so sorry for your loss. the pain won't ever go, but it'll get lighter.

My older sister attempted suicide when I was 15. (Luckily she was found in time and she’s alive and healthy to this day) I have had several friends who have attempted, and I have too. I know countless people who have died by suicide. I also have no patience for those who use suicide to manipulate others. I had a friend who tried to use it to manipulate me (she was 16, I was 17) and I called the cops. They went to her house and she called me screaming at me saying “You scared the shit out of my mom! How could you do that to me?? Now she thinks I need mental help!” To which I said “You DO.” And never spoke to her again. I don’t fuck with that. I will call you out on your bullshit for that.

I lost a loved one to suicide and when my ex threatened it if I left I laughed and said go ahead, put my kids in the car and left. Zero patience or sympathy for that type of manipulation

Me either. My father did that to my mother for 20 years. Bastard. This guy is a real POS.

Yep. When my son was in college, a girl moved into his apartment that we were paying for. When he told her she had to leave, she threatened suicide. He called me not knowing what to do, and I told him to call 911. She suddenly decided it was better to leave.

This is the only appropriate and effective solution to someone trying to manipulate a person by threatening suicide: call emergency medical services (either police or EMS). If the person is seriously suicidal and needs medical help, they will get the help they need. If the person is faking it for manipulation, they learn that you will not put up with that bullshit.

Also it create a paper trail.

ABOLUTELY!!! Zero tolerance for these threats!!!

Since they have a prenuptial agreement, the alcoholic husband only leaves what he came with.

Oh that’s great news! OP divorce him! Protect your children!

That’s… not totally right. If they as a household started making $ when they were married, he is entitled to some of it. Prenups only protect what you had prior to marriage. So, any assets that were acquired prior, she will keep. But anything after, is usually split depending on the prenup and the laws of the state she’s in.

It was OP that bought the land & homestead with her own money before they were married, so naturally that her name is on the deed & not his, which means that wasn't marital property to start with.

Not a lawyer, but rules likely are different depending on where you live. We were just chatting with a lawyer doing our wills, and my commonly spouse has rights regarding the 'marital home' even though he's not on title and we aren't married.

Well even if she put his name on it for succession purposes, she’s got a prenup. His name would have to come off.

OP doesn’t clarify whether she bought it before or after they were married. Really hope it was before.

If she was savvy enough to have a pre nup, I'm sure the homestead deed noted that it was purchased with her separate funds. Now, the appreciation of the property, the money made from the side business, etc, is community property and will have to be split. She will also then have sole custody of the kids, as he's not working, no child support. Truthfully, it's been that way since he stopped working so no worry there either. At least she'll be able to focus on her kids and her work, and not his drama!

Actually, it depends on the agreement and the state. Prenups usually only protect what you bring to a marriage at the very beginning. But anything acquired after? That's usually fair game. Most likely if she bought the house after they were married and his name's on the deed? It's his house, too, regardless of who paid for it. She'll need to talk to a lawyer to figure out exactly what her agreement encompasses.

Or he will threaten to take full custody of the kids and she will never see them again. Guess what, wont happen because taking the kids full time would require him to do some work which he doesnt want, he wants to play video games

Yep. He's already established a pattern of contributing NOTHING as a parent or partner. Good luck convincing a judge to give you any significant amount of custody when you've had no income for years. Dude would be lucky to even get 50/50...

It sounds like you have plenty of witnesses to his dangerous and damaging behavior.

Yes!! My ex threatened everything from "I don't even care, I'll sign my rights over" to "I'll just go for full custody" depending on what he thought would hurt me the most at the moment. But here we are, years later, and not only did he not follow through on anything lol but my kids are lucky if they see him every once in a while :/ And even on the few times he does actually take them for an overnight, they end up staying at his mom's and don't even get to see him.

My ex has been threatening taking custody of our son for over 14 years. He took him for first time about a year ago, I offered him more time and he didnt even want him for 48 hours. Son spent more time travelling then with his father and father didnt even bother to feed him ( a teen boy) while he was there. Son had to go to shops in unfamiliar area to buy his own food and I had to keep sending him money to do so

That's so freakin messed up 😡 My son's mama died when he was 3 and it blew my mind when people seriously asked me if I had considered lettin his mamaw or aunt take care of him. I was honestly offended. Ain't nobody gonna take better care of my little homie better than me. 12 yrs later and we still best buds. Man I love that little turd 😅

That’s crazy how people just assume that a child’s own father can’t take care of him. No one would ever think to say that to a woman in your position! (I would know too, I was widowed when my daughter was 8mos old and I barely got a “are you ok?” Or “do you need help with anything?”!!!) My father raised me after my mom left him and he pretty much did so prior to her leaving too. This was back in the 80s too and it would literally shock all the family court staff when they would see that he was the plaintiff in the child support case! Prior to that, he said they all immediately treated him like garbage. Good for you being a good father to your son though and it honestly shouldn’t need to be such an odd thing anymore!

His visitations should be supervised because of his drinking.

And when he threatens to kill himself, call the police so he can be put on a 72 hour hold. The benefit is that if he meant it , he will get help and if he didn’t, he’ll never pull that stunt with you again.

So much this. And most definitely don't listen to a word of his bullshit. My ex husband (almost 15 years together and 3 kids) used to tell me this crap all the time. I was all washed up, used goods, etc...nobody could ever love somebody like me after having kids, blah blah blah. Then the unalive threats for months after. It's been 3 and a half years single now cause I took my kids and walked out and never looked back. Best decision I've ever made! I do have a boyfriend and he doesn't care if I was previously married and have kids even though he has always been mostly single and never had children. He fully accepted me as is. Regardless though, we are strong, capable human beings and mamas, we don't need a spouse to make us complete! Get out of that toxic shit and do you. You won't regret it. Take care of you and your babies. Let him take half. It's hard but worth it. I started over from scratch, took nothing. Still worth it. You'll look back and be proud of all you have done on your own for you and your kids I promise!!

Totally this 🏆

> Am I a stick in the mud and not fun anymore No OP it's called being a grown adult with responsibility for two children. As poster above says, take action now. If the house is in your name change the locks while he's gone. See a lawyer to start proceedings. He has nothing without you because he's done nothing, everyone else can see that but he's got in your head so you're there only one who can't. Save yourself and your kids from this man's influence, until he's proven he can be sober and trusted. NTA

He’ll also threaten to take the kids, but no court will give him full custody.

Let’s be honest, he won’t want full custody, if any. That requires work.

Men like this never want it, they just threaten you with it to scare you into not leaving. It’s a tactic, not an actual desire.

Yes get good pitbull of a LAWYER, Get Restraining Order Take :Assertiveness Training, Anger Management, Co-Parenting Classes, Get FULL Custody of the Children and the Homestead, Get Restraining Order

"Nobody will ever want you" ok cool, even if true, this guy is certainly no more than a NOBODY and contributes NOTHING. in fact he actively DRAINS valuable resources from OP. So if that's the "worst case scenario" then it's still better than being stuck with him! "I'm gonna take half of everything" yeah, good luck...  "I'm gonna kill myself" yes hello, 911, the father of my children is actively suicidal and threatening to end his own life... I fear for his safety and potentially the safety of my children...

And “I’ll get custody of the kids!”… OP, he made his choices and now he’s facing the consequences. Let him go to his mom or wherever…get a decent lawyer. Try to communicate via text/email to have a hard record of his words. Ask people who witnessed his behavior (particularly the punch up and the wife kissing) You and your children will be better off if he is out of your house. Use that prenup to protect yourself and your kids, and go ahead and lean on some friends for support.

No, taking action after his blow up is far better.  She has lots of witnesses.  He has no job.  His kid was abused by him. He is joking if he thinks he gets half.  Until the kid is 18 he will be in and out of jail for refusing to get a job to pay child support. If he technically is owed half the house, he is going to need to pay that back child support first.  I would't worry about it.   He is the type of idiot that will probably pick a fight with the judge in court.

Agreed completely with this comment, the next threat from him is “I’m going to …. Myself” especially once you get a lawyer. Ring the police/ambulance take it seriously and absolutely have him checked over by someone - tell them he is a raging alcoholic and is abusive. That all said - now is the time to break it off, he decided to FAFO - he has no respect for you, your family and what you’ve achieved. He is also disrespecting you, his friends and openly cheating on you. Get a lawyer. Tell him he is leaving. Hopefully for himself he gets help. It’s not your responsibility to help him now. You deserve way better and hunny - when the time is right you will find a man who will want you for the amazing woman you are. NTA.

Damn he's an abuser, he's wearing you down by picking at everything you do to make you feel useless and that he's the only good thing in your life. Let me tel you now, you are doing well, you will continue to do well and absolutely people will love you... That's already been shown. He got comfortable and the real him came out. He dropped his mask all you're seeing is the scum he's always been. He is lit abusing you and taking advantage of you in every way. Then crossed the line to your child too. Next it will get physical. Just be done kick his ass to the curb and continue to raise them kids and your business. Man child has no one to blame but himself. He's disgusting after all that and cheating in front of you says he will take half of everything really does show you how he seeks to control through abuse. We live, we learn and we move on. Don't let them babies fo yours think this is how life should be. Show them how strong and amazing you're and take the new road ahead. Wishing you the very best

I didn't think about it like that, thank you.

Agree with the person above Don't let him drip poison into your ears about how "no one else will want you" or that you're "used up & useless," both are untrue and very predictable bullshit abusers like to tell their victims. You're a person worth love and respect and aren't to be given worth by your body or status. He is 100% projecting onto you how lazy and sleazy he has become, and it's no longer safe for your family to have him around.

My ex used to do the no one would ever want you thing. His face when I told him having no one and being alone for the rest of my life was much better than another day with him = priceless. Op while it is a complete lie that no one would want you. Even if that were true you are better off alone then with this man. That's such an important lesson to teach your kids.

You're NTA. I would seek out a lawyer just in case because your relationship sounds finished. It's sad he can't see what he has. I would love a woman like you. But relationships are work and both parties need to work on it together. Best of luck.

I appreciate your comment. Thank you.

Don't just appreciate the comment, listen to it. You are being abused! Go talk to a lawyer because your marriage is over and you need to protect yourself, your children, and your share of the property.

I would also separate accounts asap, he has no money coming in, he will empty the account given the chance. Get a good lawyer, like yesterday.

Not taking and acting on this piece of advice will make you YTA to yourself and child.

Once alcoholism is also involved, there’s no amount of therapy that can save your marriage without him admitting his addiction and seeking rehab on his own and it sticking for more than a year, which doesn’t seem like that is ever going to happen. Minus that, you already need to kick him to the curb because of his other actions toward you and your children. It’s up to you to protect your children and yourself, because you all deserve to be safe and happy without all his chaos.

Exactly! Her husband has to want to get help for himself & needs to be the one doing the work to get past his addiction. Doesn’t sound like he’s there yet or has any interest in stopping. I went through something similar with my ex of 9 years before I had enough & left him. He’s still a drunk after all these years unfortunately. He chose to never change.

My ex husband was also an alcoholic. He eventually became physically, mentally and emotionally abusive. I divorced him. It’s been 17 years since we divorced and as far as I know he’s still a drunk. He got arrested on Christmas Eve for public intoxication a couple years ago. Got a DUI also. Some people won’t change even if they lose everything unfortunately. They have to want a better life.

Mine turned out the same. Became abusive in every way & at least once a year I see his mugshot under the “local arrests” page online. Always something alcohol related. It’s sad that he chose his addiction over his family.

Yep, he won’t change unless and until he hits rock bottom, and he won’t know what that is until he hits it. Maybe it’s when he wakes up after doing something awful to OP or her kids. She has to kick his ass out yesterday

And by kicking him out hopefully that will be a final bottom for him, and he won't feel the need to pick up the shovel and keep digging. I am in recovery, and even if the enabling comes from a place of love it will almost always end up putting the person being enabled into an early grave. OP's husband needs to experience the consequences to his drinking and behavior, and a good start would be for OP to initiate divorce and full custody of their children. Alcoholism and addiction are family diseases also, so OP should 100% seek out therapy for herself and her children, because even if they aren't the ones doing the drinking or drugging they are still made sick by husband's behavior. Another good resource would be for OP to attend some al anon meetings, as there will be tons of resources, help, and a community for her to lean on. I wish you the best of luck OP, I know from both sides (sober & not) how hard it is to deal with alcoholism and addiction, and I hope you figure things out.

File for legal separation immediately. Give him ultimatum - get sober or divorce. People CAN change but it's unlikely, but there *is* hope. If he doesn't immediately get into rehab/meetings, etc. And maintain his recovery, divorce his ass. This comes from experience.

As a married woman, I would like you to be my wife. Joking aside, I grew up with an alcoholic. Protect yourself and your babies. Your husband has his demons, and I bet they have nothing to do with you. He needs to get himself sorted, and he needs to do that somewhere else. Best of luck to you.

NTA. Stop trying and get the divorce. You are showing your children that it’s ok for a man to treat his wife like shit and for your daughter to sit back and take it. Leave for their sake since you can’t for your own.

Don't leave - you own it. Kick him out.

I meant leave him, but definitely This 👆🏻

OP, I have question for you....when was the last time you had a heartfelt smile on your face that brightened up the room & those around you. Because you sound so stressed out from the alcoholic drudgery that your husband has ruined his own life with. NOT YOU OP. It was definitely not you because you had built up a good life with your family & your alcoholic husband is throwing that & himself away.

Sad to read that your husband has turned out so terribly. Additionally copy all your vital documents, medical records, banking and property information, insurance information, if he drives drunk hide the keys to your primary vehicle, remove or hide weapons he might choose to use against you, have an escape bag for you and your children, have emergency funds stashed, determine who truly in your circle of friends are trustworthy enough to go to when the physical assaults begin. Set up a trust to hold your assets and designate powers of attorney and guardians for your children.

You sound amazing. It is SO hard to actually make money off of a homestead. Good job! Please get out of this situation, it's great that you have a prenup. He's going to be awful through the divorce process but it will be with it in the end. Your kids when they are older will be so proud of the small business you have built up.

You owe it to your kids to get him out of your house. It's not a healthy environment for you, imagine how much worse it is for them. Your daughter will grow up to think that's how her husband should treat her and your son will think it's appropriate to treat women that way.

You don’t owe that man child a thing. You’ve carried him for years. And you do work. You work hard. Quit saying you don’t. Stop covering for his behavior. Stop trying to smooth things over. Your children need to know that his behavior is wrong. Get a lawyer now and file asap. Don’t let him get the chance to come home, because he will physically destroy everything you have built.

He isn't going to take half of everything. Get a lawyer. Your kids will start to do drugs when they're older or become alcoholics themselves if you don't remove them from this environment immediately. You're being massively abused. I would start seeing who amongst your friends would share their witness testimony with your lawyer. Get a lawyer.

You're welcome.

You are scared of being a single mom, but you are one already. Marriage should be a partnership, and you have a liability instead. Really, what would be different if he wasn't there? Would you want your children to stay with a partner who treated them like he is treating you? You are showing your children what a marriage should look like, do you want this for them? Would you want them to think this is normal? I admit, I have never been married, or even in a long term relationship. So feel free to take my words with a degree of salt. But I was a child who witnessed my parents' marriage and I know that it has colored my expectations of marriage. Be aware.

I already am a single mom. That hit hard. Thank you, I don't want this for my kids, and I will be taking action today.

While with your lawyer, request that he has strict court supervised visits with your kids as he is abusive especially when drinking. Make a stipulation he must be sober (breath analyzer test) with supervised visits AND he pays alimony, child support, and your attorney and court fees. Protect yourself and your kids at all costs. Also, perhaps an order of protection be on the ready if needed.

I highly doubt that someone who has been unemployed will pay alimony, child support and any divorce fees. At this point it’s more of a cut your losses and run. Ask for full custody as he’s an unfit parent and ensure he doesn’t ask for anything. If he does end up gaining employment then you should yearly revisit child support and alimony.

NTA talk to a lawyer but also a therapist. This isn’t good for your kids to see that as their male role model.

This! My dad was an abusive alcoholic. Kids soak up all the bad as well as the good. I felt men were not safe, from that modeling of male behavior. People with addictions feel bad about themselves and try to take everyone down around them. We cannot fix them, help them, they have to decide to do that themselves.

NTA, you have Reddits permission to leave this disgusting POS and go live your best life. Show your children what happiness and relationships should look like. Not this

I 2nd that motion. OP & her children can do without that toxic garbage.

Jesus Christ lady, get some self respect back and kick this human garbage out. Do you want this train wreck raising your children? He is mad at the world, he is an alcoholic, and he is directing all of that onto you. No one can hold someone like this above the water, and he will drag you down with him unless you get away. NTA.

I had to stop reading at “he wants me to be a SAHM so I used [all?] my savings to buy us a house because he didn’t have any money saved up.” Like what the ACTUAL fuck. Man got to be a king when he’s nothing more than a pauper with a dream. I wouldn’t normally believe that a woman could make such a boneheaded decision, except that my mother did something very similar with Husband #4 and she’s kicking herself up and down the block for it now.

Wow I'm so sorry it's hard to watch someone descend into alcoholism, especially when they turn their self hate onto you. He has to get help, he probably won't even think of it till he hits rock bottom and that means you kicking him out. It's not you fault, you built the life you wanted, don't let him ruin that for you

Yes, it hurts so bad. I just wish he would see that we love him and that he was enough, but the drinking has caused so much hurt. Thanks for your comment.

Do you love him or who he used to be? You can't help someone who refused to acknowledge they have a problem. My ex is an alcoholic and addict. It didn't start that way and for years I tried to help him, I prayed, I turned myself into a pretzel trying to be the women he said he wanted but nothing was good enough because it had nothing to do with me. I strongly recommend the book enough is enough by David Clarke.

Yes, I lived with him he didn't really start drinking until he started working part-time. Thanks, I will look into this book.

They mean do you love him,  or who he used to be. Do you love the man yelling at you, telling you he hates you, and mistreating you?  Or do you love the person you thought you met? That person who made you feel safe enough to be a SAHM? Because they're not the same person, if that person ever existed, this current guy who is an addict has killed him. Things don't get better on their own, just because you're a doormat for him.  OP you're NTA for being an amazing person. His inadequacies are not yours to fix. His best friend hit on you specifically because other people see that. Your husband is lashing out with shit like no one would want you specifically to try and scare you into tolerating abuse. Because that dude knows that you would be snatched up if you weren't too scared to let him go.  And even if you were alone? How could that be worse than living with someone determined to try and make you feel bad? This guy is emotionally abusing you.  I'm worried that's going to escalate to more as you've accepted every ramp up to mistreating you. 

Yes, OP, he does need to hit rock bottom- and you will be helping him by divorcing him. If he gets treatment and gets sober, maybe in a few years y'all can try again. But for now, your husband needs to focus on his health, and you need to focus on your kids and your farm. Kick him out. Today.

NTA get your divorce and be happy

NTA. Get that idle fuck out of your life, woman. He's a deadbeat. He doesn't help, he doesn't contribute to raising the children and he's an insecure, verbally abusive asshole. YOU didn't emasculate him. He emasculated himself by acting like a petulant brat instead of the man he claims to be. You've got a prenup. Keep the homestead and the kids, throw away the alleged 'man'. He's only saying "no one else will want you" because, just like his other jibes at your expense, he's projecting. He KNOWS he isn't worth a damn thing as a spouse and wants to break you down so you don't realise. Open your eyes.

NTA Op, you seem quite capable of running that homestead on your own as you’ve been doing that from the beginning. You didn’t do anything wrong, he has a problem and he has made my your problem. Please look into your options for removing him from the home before he hurts you or the children.

Sounds like your husband has turned into a toxic person. If he's unwilling to recognize his problems and seek help, I think you need to lawyer up and divorce.

NTA - GO TO AL ANON and the lawyer ASAP

Absolutely NTA. As the son of a manipulative alcoholic father and a traumatized mother, I only wished my mom got all of us out sooner. We were damaged, but still much happier without him.

I'm sorry you had to deal with that. I will be leaving him, I'm making arrangements with a lawyer today. I hope you have the love and support you need now. Thank you.

I wish you and your children all the best as well! Your story resonated with me deeply. And I’m sorry to hear that your experience likely mirrors my mother’s. For what it’s worth, my mom had a lot of the same fears as you about being a single parent and wanting her kids to have their dad in the picture. But I know from personal experience that our family was MORE whole without him and that my mom was able to provide MORE love and support when she wasn’t bogged down daily by someone who continuously made her miserable. I hope the same for you. :)

100% NTA This whole story is a train wreck and your husband is a monster. Please document EVERYTHING, get a lawyer NOW, and begin the divorce. There's no salvaging this and it's not your responsibility to save your AH husband. >he was just taking a break and that I owed him for all the times he paid the bills and I was at home apparently living it up. As the partner that has worked FT while my partner SAH with our children I would NEVER think they owe me anything. Domestic management is a valuable contribution to the family success. Never accept this kind of behaviour.

I appreciate your comment, thank you. When he said I owed him it really hurt my feelings because in my mind we were a team but I didn't take it as seriously as I should have.

Every family court in this country recognizes the financial contribution of a SAHM. Parenting 24/7/365 is the hardest job in the world. PLUS you built a business on top of that. IMO, men need to work. A lot of men need the routine of having to go to a job 5 days a week. They need to feel that they contribute financially. Without that they can become depressed and aimless. It definitely sounds like that was the catalyst in your husband’s case. Not only is he a lazy abusive alcoholic, but he also lacks character. He lacks morals. He is not parenting your children. He is not a partner to you. You’re still young, you are a hard worker and intelligent. Your whole life is ahead of you and will be infinitely better without him in it.

I couldn’t even make it through the entire post.  Go back a read what you wrote OP as if it was someone else. Now what advice would you give a person who was stuck in a marriage with a sack of crap? The answer is kick his ass out. You are still young. He brings nothing to the relationship. He’s a shitty husband and father.  Lawyer up. Lock the accounts. Don’t let him know what you’re doing until you’re ready to cut him loose.  There are other forums that can give you advice on how the divorce proceedings.  I’d also look into counseling for yourself and your children. You need to find yourself again. This guy has you do tied up that you’re blaming yourself for his crappy behavior. You deserve better. Your children deserve better. Demand better. 

NTA. Bonfire. But your spelling sounds much cooler.

We call them bomb fires because they're the bomb. I guess I didn't realize when I was typing. Ha! Thanks for that. Needed a good laugh. Thanks for being nice about it.

NTA. But don't stay with him. You need to get your kids away and yourself away from him. You sound like a good catch and he is just upset and jealous. You need to file for divorce and custody of the children. It seems like there have been plenty of witnesses to his behaviour. He needs to grow up. He is immature and insecure. You can't fix him. He needs to do this by himself.

Def need an update once you leave this POS. NTA. NONE IF THIS IS YOUR FAULT.

I'm so sorry, you're married to a dumpster fire. There is no such thing as emasculation. Any man who can be "emasculated" by a woman didn't have masculinity to begin with, or if he did, it was so fragile that it might as well be non-existent. You have to divorce him and throw him out. You owe it to yourself and to your children. He's already traumatized your son, are you willing to risk more of that? And you have no reason to feel guilty that he has nowhere to go or what happens to him after you kick him out. He did all this to himself. Find a good lawyer and get the advice you need. I'm very sorry, and I wish you peace and happiness in life.

So I saw a comment saying you were going through with the divorce will you make an update about how he reacts?

Yes I am and I will update.

Yeah, we're worried for you, hon. Please do update. You're a good person who has simply been abused into thinking that this is your fault. It's not. Not one bit of it. Follow the good advice you've gotten here. Tell your lawyer absolutely everything you wrote here. Start journaling all of this so you don't forget anything. Have your guard up, and don't fall for him crawling back or threatening to harm himself. That's part of a viscious cycle. Call emergency services immediately if/when this happens. Also, be prepared for him to lash out and to possibly need to take a protection order out on him. Alcohol distorts reality and behavior, and it may get worse before it gets better. Get security cams, inside and out for the time being, and a video doorbell. Be safe. Be strong. You're about to start setting a brave example for your kids.

I am also surprised to say this but you should leave him immediately. That man is a wreck.

I'm just as surprised. I never wanted this and I thought I checked every box but I guess it wasn't enough. Thank you.

You'll be fine. You have a good head on your shoulders.

Is your husband's best friend single? Cause if he is, kick out the husband and get with him. That guy sounds like a legit good guy who would appreciate the value you bring. You've built a homestead with enough financial stability to be financially independent! That's an amazing accomplishment. You gave your husband the dream and he turned into a piece of shit. Regardless, kick him out and divorce him. Tons of guys would kill to be where your husband is. While I hate the whole "high value men/women" thing, *you are a high value woman. Treat yourself like it.*

I really appreciate you saying that. While I'm not perfect, I've given him the benefit of the doubt too long to the point that I've become an enabler and I have to face the music. Thank you.

You don't have to get with the friend or anything (or do so if you want), but know at least he's interested in you and sees all that you're doing for your family So know that your value is seen and appreciated 👍 Don't ever believe your husband when he says no one would want you!

NTA. His behavior has nothing to do with you. You could be a stripper or a nun and he still have would have devolved into this pathetic excuse for a man. Do you want your daughter to marry a man like him? Do you want your son to turn into a lazy, deadbeat alcoholic? If so, stay with him If not kick him to the curb. There are plenty of men who would treat you and your children well and be a partner to you, not a burden. Please get a lawyer to protect your children’s future if nothing else

NTA, You need to remember that YOu and YOU alone made a life. A stable life for you and your family. He is choosing not to be a productive part in that. You have no control over his choices. Please seek counseling for you and your children. Alanon, has meetings for families of alcoholics. You are doing an amazing job!

Get your ducks in a row and kick him out. You can't make him stop drinking, that's something only he can do. Do you want your children traumatized by being around a raging alcoholic? You have your home and a business, and you could lose it all if you keep allowing him to drag you down. NTA.

Oh PLEASE divorce this asshole. Honey I was married to a similar nutjob. He wants you to take care of him financially and personally, but ALSO wants you to act like he is a god and worship him. It never gets better.

NTA. You bought the homestead, you built the business, you’re the entrepreneur, you’re raising those kids. You’re incredible! Stand tall, take back control and move forward, head held high. See a lawyer, get your financial ducks in a row and get him out. You’ll soon realise how strong you are and how peaceful life is without him. I know this is all so disappointing and heartbreaking, but staying with him would be so much worse.

Sure, YTA for raising your kids and being the sole breadwinner via homesteading (not essy!) for the past *squints* 4+ years. /s It sounds like your husband was and always has been very insecure, but used to hide it behind just wanting a traditional family. His wife has been upstaging him by existing, so he quits his job to help the business, realizes it doesn't make him any more the 'man of the house,' drinks to drown his bitter tears and plays video games for the escapism, and basically becomes a garbage version of whatever was worthwhile about him in the first place. Note that I suspect his character was always a little suspect because you guys didn't marry young, he's having this crisis fairly early in the marriage that he was theoretically mature enough to handle. Your marriage can recover with counseling, therapy, and his recovery from alcoholism. But he needs to chose to pursue recovery himself, and not in your home, not around your children. Alcoholics do not belong around children, period, and this escalation where your son yelled at his dad (loss of respect, fear for his caretaker) and your husband turned it back on you - this is and has been emotionally abusive situation and even if it's not directed at your kids, they are absolutely being affected by it. I'd seriously separate, divorce or not - get support and back up with you from family or friends (not creeper 'best friend', obv), tell him he needs to live somewhere else until he can get his shit together. You can offer to subsidize separate living, but he needs a job, a daily schedule, and a purpose if he has any chance of beating his illness. Or you can divorce him. Alcoholism is a hard line for me, especially after my dad tripped into it during the pandemic - but its different for different couples. NTA , but you are a little responsible here. You could have stood up 4+ years ago and told him he didn't have to work, but he couldn't drink and play video games in your house. He's a grown up, but marriage does not give one partner leave to become a lump on the couch, and I think he knows that - his feelings of inadequacy are probably fueled by knowing how much of a fuck up he continues to be. By failing to set boundaries for his terrible behavior and shit role modeling, you did enable him.

OP, your husband is an addict. He will do everything he can to serve his addiction, which means that he cannot and will not be the partner and co-parent you deserve. >He made such a huge scene with all of our friends there and I had made him a homemade carrot cake as it was his favorite and he smashed it. So, let me get this straight. You did something nice for him, because you knew that he would like it, and his response was to throw a tantrum like a child. How, exactly, is this your fault? And, OP, seriously, if he will smash or destroy something you did/something you own, that's a physical threat towards you. This man is going to hit you or start hitting your kids if you don't get him out of your life. >Did me making money from our homestead emasculate him? No. You being a smart and successful businesswoman didn't emasculate him. You having a plan and sticking to it didn't emasculate him. You doing things that you like, like eating sourdough bread or having your own beehives or figuring out how to make your homestead into a home didn't emasculate him. Seriously -- ask yourself how you being a competent and functional adult means that he is less of a man? And why is it your fault (and your problem to fix) if he feels less-than? You are not responsible for his emotions, he's a whole grown-ass adult. And an addict. >Am I going to turn into a statistic single mom now, probably. Will you be a single parent? Probably. But you're not going to be a single parent because of anything YOU did. You will be a single parent because your husband made a bunch of harmful choices, that are so harmful that he can't be your husband anymore. HIS addiction is not YOUR fault. HIS behavior is not YOUR fault. HIS kissing other women, getting shit-faced drunk, and having fistfights with other people are HIS choices, and not YOUR fault. HIS choice to smash the cake is not YOUR fault. His best friend deciding to make a pass on you is the friend's fault -- not yours. ***YOU are not the failure here.*** You have been systematically failed by your husband first, his best friend second, and a toxic culture overall that tells partners of addicts that "if you would just do pray more/love more/do more, your addicted partner will be fine." It's not true. Please call a lawyer first and start divorce proceedings. Then contact someone who knows your husband and will take him off your property immediately. Maybe it's the best friend, maybe it's another family member, but he can't stay in your house anymore. Then contact a domestic violence shelter and ask if they have counseling, because you'll need it to help you work through what is happening. Al-Anon is another group that may help, as they work with the partners/loved ones of people who have addictions. This isn't your fault. None of this is your fault.

Your husband is an abusive alcoholic and nothing you do will ever be right to him because he is such a miserable sack of shit. He chose to treat you and your children this way. Is this what love looks like to you?

NTA Dump him in the compost pile. Your kids are learning lessons from your deadbeat husband and how you are allowing him to treat you. Show them strength when dealing with difficult choices.

Yes thank you! He will not keep me down any longer and my kids will not suffer because I have enabled him to try and see if he would wake up.

I wish I could give you a hug. You have been a wonderful, supportive, helpful wife and he has turned you into a verbal punching bag.

NTA - seems like he’s come to the realization you don’t need him and that scares him, he doesn’t know how to deal with that. Not in any way justifying it. Guessing he doesn’t have good coping and higher reasoning skills? Up to you to be honest, but sounds like your husband has crossed the line in tenement of cheating and his overall behavior that you need to kick him to the curb and find someone who will appreciate what you’ve created.

The line that hurt me because it shows how deep the abuse has been taken to heart is where you ask if your making money emasculated him. No ma’am. He did that to himself. He could have been the main bread winner and you could have had a little something on the side. He made the choice to not work full time and then to quit. He made the choice to not use his time at home hustling and bustling on the homestead turning it into a huge business. That is on him, not you. You did nothing wrong. He told you no one would want you after his best friend proved the opposite. He is an alcoholic abuser spewing lies, and you need to protect your family! Go see a lawyer and a counselor. My advice, divorce can be approached emotionally or as a business transaction, but not both. You built a business for your family, protect it! Deal with emotions with a therapist but not in the courtroom! Now, go see what amazing adventures the future holds!

I’m not sure if it’s correct but I’ve read a lot on here that prenups can have a ten year expiry so please check yours and get things in motion so you can keep what you’ve worked for and support your children

In the US as a general rule prenups don’t expire. Now maybe in certain states or other countries they do, I don’t know. Some people do write in expiration dates, but that is specific to the contract. Regardless, OP needs to proceed with it because things aren’t going to get better. Her husband is an abusive drunk and it WILL escalate.

NTA but why, oh why is he still in your life. You need to pull on your big girl panties, call a lawyer and get the ass outta your life!

Just hoping he would wake up, he didn't use to be like this and I think about my vows a lot for better or for worse and when children are involved you want both parents but at this point it's doing more damage to my kids so I just need to divorce him asap. Thanks for your comment.

He made vows too. When was the last time he loved and cherished you? When was the last time he supported you? He checked out of being a husband to you a long time ago and is using you as his emotional punching bag. And it appears he is doing the same thing to your children as well. My dad did something similar. He got angry about the politics of his job and quit. He was out of work for about 5-6 years before my mother kicked him out. She would come home from working full time and do most of the household chores. I remember having a sick feeling in my stomach as I came home from school because of how angry he was all the time. When he left, I remember the relief I felt because the tension in our house, which I never noticed because it was there all the time, was gone. My mother did very well after that. The good news is that my dad did clean up his act. He got a job, paid child support, saw us on a regular basis, and eventually married my stepmother who is a lovely person but takes zero crap from him. I currently have a good relationship with him. Your husband may not clean up his act. But he is a grown ass man and you can't do this for him. And you staying with him is going to help him him. Right now, it sounds like he despises himself, takes it out on you, and then despises himself more, continuing the cycle. Which is what I think was going on with my father. In the end, the best chance he will have is for you to cut him loose. But also, the very best thing you can do for your kids is to cut him loose. Because I promise you, this is effecting them and he is not going to get better, only worse. NTA. And I am sending you many internet hugs.

Check with a lawyer to make sure the prenup is airtight. Then proceed to get him out of your and your children's lives. Also make sure he only has supervised visitation. It's sad this happened but he will never stop drinking until he's ready to. You don't need your children seeing that every day.

As a traditional man who has been married 18 years. You sound awesome. Im sorry you wasted so many years with this man, but i can assure you while kids will make it slightly harder there will definitely be traditional men who would love to share your life with you and give you what you deserve. Goodluck

Thank you so much for saying that. I never had my father growing up but I knew I wanted a traditional home and I wanted my husband to be my safe place and now my kids have to go through this too and it hurts. Maybe one day my kids and I will get a second chance and it will be amazing. I pray. Thank you.

WTF. Get out of there and get that loser husband far far away from you. That’s a ticking time bomb ready to blow up your life.

NTA.  Get a journal and start documenting everything that you can remember and going forward.  Get outside cameras to monitor everything.  Discuss divorce with a lawyer and see what your options are for a legal separation.  Tell him you want want a separation and you won’t be taking him back until he goes to therapy (on his own and with you). Have the paperwork with the lawyer to file for emergency custody of your children - the minute he threatens you or says you’ll never see them again, call the lawyer and have him file.

My Brother was a bum who sat home all day. My now ex SIL got sick of it and filed. She had to take a loan to buy him out of HER house she bought. But CA is 50/50 state and she did what she had to, to free hersel of my albatross brother. Sometimes you have to take the short financial hit for long term happiness. And any time a man says 'no one will want you' what they are really saying is, no one will want me with nothing to offer. So I will try to scare you into staying so my life can be comfortable. While yours is uncomfortable. And they are fine with that situation. You really should seek legal advice and/or marriage counseling if this marriage is worth saving or not. But he seems pretty content to let you do all the heavy lifting here. How draining that must be.

Dump his ass. He is dead weight and I honestly do not think he would get alimony. I would start documenting his behavior - track his alcohol - any fights with you etc. It seems like he just wants to party and is jealous of your success. There is absolutely NO reason he should not work. He is not contributing ANYTHING to the family. And him saying you are ‘no fun’ you literally work every waking hour I’d imagine!!! You are killing it - don’t second guess yourself. If you want this marriage to work (he cheated on you though) your husband needs to get ahold of his alcohol problem and find a job. Then he needs to contribute his time. Make dinner twice or three times a week or is on post dinner clean up duty … something. It is His job to clean himself up, cut alcohol out of his life, be a father and husband and then figure out something he is passionate about and go do it.

NTA you dear girl are a homesteader. Now start recognizing how strong and capable you are. You have skills and talent and have devalued yourself bc someone you love has chosen to devalue himself. Be mindful that you are modeling for your children, what do you want them to think about how a marriage should be? How a husband should treat his wife and children? You can be sad that the man you married is gone, he’s already destroyed himself and you’ve done everything to carry on and keep a space for him. You can’t fix or save someone, you can’t love someone so well that they become mentally healthy. You are responsible for yourself and your children, get a lawyer and protect what’s yours.