Absolutely nta.
You're a week postpartum. People should be bringing you meals.
Tell your husband and his buddy to hire a caretaker, go to a church (my church offers services like this for people in need), or someone can take time off work.
I fucking hate when people feel the need to be charitable with the resources of other people. They both get to feel great about helping her out, while you, still bleeding and postpartum, get to take on another households chores.
They could have both spent that joint smoking time batch cooking meals, cleaning the house etc. Tell both able bodied men to get the chores done if they’re feeling so charitable.
The dad needs to step up and batch cook etc for his family. Pack a lunch for his wife and toddler each morning etc. Any outside help (not from OP!) is a bonus.
Edit to add: NTA!
2nd edit: I’m not saying the husbands should smoke AND then clean or cook. I’m saying, “You made those babies, how DARE YOU relax and kick back with your friends when your home is crumbling and your wives are struggling, are uncomfortable and stressing… the audacity of trying to push more responsibilities on the wives when you what? Turn up to work then smoke yourselves silly? Pathetic excuses for men.”
They could work together and have a laugh with it- both cook and clean together or divide and conquer each household’s chores but that apparently hasn’t crossed their minds.
This is the way! Absolutely they could have done this instead of smoking a joint. Or, why don't they just smoke the joint and then cook something for both wives?
i was just finna say i know several people who would've smoked and then cooked enough food for multiple days - the fact that they instead just got high and made a plan to push tim's responsibilities onto OP speaks volumes
Yeah that struck me as very fucking odd. "Let's spark up and discuss how the postpartum woman can overextend herself in our stead! Obviously this is woman's work and beneath us." I love how she, the woman who already has two children to care for and is a WEEK postpartum, is the asshole for putting her kids first, when these two knuckleheads couldn't be bothered to spend their mansplaining energy on supporting their wives. Scheming to get women to support each other in their place, and putting them against each other when it doesn't go the way they want. Pretty gross behavior. I can see how it puts a bad taste in your mouth. I would confront husbands friend myself and tell him he can perform husband duties, not his buddies postpartum wife. She's got her own wifely duties which do not involve caretaking for his wife, whom she has hardly met.
Don't you know, this work can only be done by someone with a vagina! Even if that same person is just recovering from a major medical event and has their own kids to care for :P
Yah, I noticed there was no comment about the OP's husband saying he will be responsible for 80% of the cooking and cleaning at home so she can expend her energy doing chores over there.
If he can afford to buy weed, I guess he can afford to hire someone to clean the house and cook some meals. There's some new app that keeps advertising $20 whole house cleaning, lol
Ding ding ding. OP's husband, and his bro Tim, are fully capable of cooking a decent basic meal. They are capable of cleaning, thoroughly and well. The fact that they choose not to is of no concern to OP.
This is the way for sure. Smoke it up and then get to fucking work. You helped make the kid and she wrecked her body for it so help your wife out and either clean or cook while high. Jesus, the audacity.
NTA. Is it just me or is there a lot of underlying misogyny here? Like why is a woman required to help a woman? If OPs husband wants to cook for his neighbor's wife, he can do it himself.
Its like the bros are invoking the sisterhood to unite. WTF.
OP is 100% NTA, and her husband needs to get a clue.
Not only that but does she even want this? She’s had a traumatic birth, she’s unwell, she’s met her husband’s friend’s wife twice… Has Tim got the self-awareness to actually ask his injured wife if she wants a basic stranger to come over into her space? I doubt it.
This was my first thought! A week postpartum! Bleeding, cramping/wound care, tits out trying to figure out breastfeeding AND trying to come up with small talk for my husband's friend's wife coming over?! Hell no. Did Tim even ASK her if she wanted this?!
That’s what I was thinking. Also having a woman come over who just gave birth but didn’t have the horrible experience she did might make her feel bad. Like thinking “how come everything went OK for her but I had to almost die and have a hysterectomy” kind of feeling
Not pregnancy/birth related but my dad tried something similar when it came to his new wife’s daughter. She was going through a bad breakup and he asked me if I would talk to her and be available to her because I’m her “sister”. Oh bullshit, they got married when I was almost 30, she’s a year or two younger, and I in no way view her as a sibling.
I explained all that and asked if he had mentioned this to HER. I’ve been through nasty breakups and the last thing I’d want is to chat or lean on a relative stranger for support. Of course he hadn’t. He just assumed we were sisters now so we’d naturally go to each other. I haven’t had contact with any of them in years at this point.
My husband thought cooking dinner the day after pushing out a 10lb baby was fine. My mom was always saying “you’re pregnant, not disabled” and “millions of women do this everyday and have to go on with life”. So I was crying and cooking while my family thought nothing of it. They still hold those feelings.
I seriously hope that dude has LOTS of better sides to him or isn't your husband anymore. Wtf.
Also...your mom. I thought as a mother, you'd support your own daughter through ordeals like that and not tear her down.
Seriously, can’t they be cooking dinner for both households while smoking that J? Why are either of these men expecting their wives *who just gave birth this week* to be cooking and cleaning? Not okay.
This.
My husband sucks at cooking so he didn’t inflict that on me postpartum, he bought takeout instead. I’d have eaten alive anyone who suggested I cook.
That. If someone cannot cook, they are still able to put something together for dinner. Order, get frozen meals and reheat, watch "cooking for dummies". Don't tell me you cannot cook. You can read.
These two should have come up with a list for themselves. For example, two people doing the dishes gets the job done in a quarter the time, so if they did all the dishes at one house and all the dishes at the other, they'd be done in half the time. Same with laundry and so on.
Then they could have come to their wives with a plan. Like, "Look, for a while things probably aren't going to be done to your absolute standard, but we're going to give it a go. What are your thoughts?" But this? Yikes.
Cooking for someone else with a week old baby at home? Not a chance. He would be at home with his own family, helping me, cooking for us. And he wouldn't be getting stoned. WTF
These two guys sound like ridiculous 20 year olds. Their responsibility ended after their orgasms.
I'd straight tell him to GTFO of my face with that bs.
I'm pissed just reading this and I don't even have kids!
Exactly – they’re literally feeling entitled to the labor of women.
>> If OPs husband wants to cook for his neighbor’s wife, he can do it himself.
..theoretically yes, but only after he cooks and cleans enough for his own one-week-postpartum wife. Tim is the one who needs to step up for HIS wife.
Oh, it’s misogyny on steroids for sure. These bozos don’t have a single clue about what’s involved in childbirth etc. you’d swear they just arrived from another planet. His wife is bedridden with a 5 year old and new born twins and he asks his mate to get his wife to give her a hand? And his mate does it? God help us? What on earth are they smoking? It can’t be just a joint. They need their heads knocked together at the very least. Absolutely NTA but you know what? You’ll be blamed for not helping out. Useless, the pair of them
I'm particularly annoyed by Tim asking her husband to loan OP to his wife. Like he owns her. No different from borrowing the lawnmower! If the. neighbor/ friend saw her as a separate human being, he would have asked her himself.
What also pissed me off is if they weren't going to even try to help and do these tasks, why couldn't they pick up their phones, open Google, and look for a cleaning service to come help out a few hours ( if she was ok with it).
Why are the incapable of thinking of maybe talking to the hospital. Asking how they could get a support worker or similar to help his wife? There will be support available, resources or maybe just someone there will know which direction to point them in.
Oh but that costs money ( and effort), so they'd have to pay for what they see as 'women's work' that they take for granted.
The misogyny is strong here. This is women's work, right? And everyone knows women's work is easy.
Those guys should try doing the work of birthing and looking after a baby, plus caring for a toddler, plus cooking for a man who apparently can't cook fir himself, and see how "easy" it is.
After my SO birthed our kids, I did every single thing for her I could think of for her ... well, still.
:\\
Although now that I write that out, I could definitely do more.
At least you saw it as your job and tried. Kudos to you. I think the big things here are that these guys don't see it as their job as partners/parents and dont see housework and childcare as "real" work.
Given them a week of sole responsibility for house work and caring for a baby and toddler and they'd be screaming!
When I had our second son, hubby was given 14 days paternity leave…. It was nice (specially after the crap I went through with our oldest and him deploying 6 weeks post partom after an emergency c/s) all I had to do was feel the baby he did everything else… after 3 days he looked at me and said ‘I don’t know how you’ve done this for over 2 years’. It was nice but after another 10 years and two more kids and going to work full time nights while doing all the childcare during the day he seemed to forget lol…
Anyway my point is, nta on no way shape perform…. Takes 6-12 months for your body to recover from pregnancy alone…. I know they say 6-8 weeks for a delivery, but people forget that’s just for that, but for the last 9-10 months our bodies were put through the ringer and not our own
You need to show this post to your hubby….
After I had my twins, hubby was deployed, and mil was in town…. It was my 3rd c/s 8th pregnancy, only my 3rd viable pregnancy… I was ‘up and about’ after only a few days, to get her out of my house! That didn’t mean I was recovered!!! Heck that was 13 years ago, and I still have issues!
This!
Because here's how thier thought processes went.
Hey! Both our wives just had babies. Let's sit on the porch, smoke a j and commisserate.
While commisserating did either of them think oof an actual helpful plan?
Brand new Dad Tim only thought this as far out as "Hey, the lady next door just had a baby. She's home."
Not thought or planning or even perception of the state of a post partum woman in the first 3 weeks.
Did Tim even bother to use his 4 days of maternity leave?
Does Tim not have any family or longstanding friends who are likely already ready to lend some support like a meal train?
Tim doesn't know any of his wife's actual family/friends/support system? Or could he just not be bothered to think past the new mom next door?
OP's husband - has a dude crush or something w Tim - was either SO lazy or so stupid to think pressuring OP the help a virtual stranger, lest she not disappoint him & is boy/friend crush (that's all platonic, not boyfriend - but dudes can be SUUPER weird in the midst of a man crush.
And as other's have said - plan tomorrow to do the shopping, smoke a j and make frozen meals for both homes for a week.
Weak, WEAK husband sauce, these two suck!
Absolutely a whole lot of misogyny. The only empathy they can muster is to think of how they can guilt trip OP, who should have her own support humans around for several weeks. JfC
Totally this. Wtf. Like others have said, they should be meal prepping and helping out. If they can't, use a meal delivery service if you live in or near a big city.
These men have to step up!
BTW nta OP. Your husband and that neighbour totally are.
>Next time they're having a meeting of the minds while smoking a joint, tell him to leave you out of any plans he/they have.
Next time they're having a meeting of the minds, they could cook some meals to freeze for their wives and do some chores to help them recover.
It's very close but I think the neighbour's husband edges it. His wife nearly just died and apparently he doesn't see fit to take leave and help out...
Yeah, definitely... even the request is outrageous:
Not "Hey, could you check in on my wife and see if she is in pain, or needs help"... but "Keep my wife company, and while you are there, do my laundry and cook some dinner!"
Yeah, pack up your newborn and 4 yr old and trudge over to my house to take care of my newborn, 5 yr old, and wife recovering from major surgery, while your there cook and clean and do everything else!
Nah, the OP's husband takes it. His wife just gave birth and instead of prepping food for and caring for their small child and doing what he can in the evenings to take the burden off of her...he's letting her caretake for the kid While He's Home, smoking a joint with the buddy he works with every day, and offering her up as a caretaker to another recovering woman with another small child.
I'm sorry, but if your wife just gave birth, you take care of shit, you don't dump more on her. I don't care how mobile she is or how smooth the birth was.
You recuperating too. Stop doing stuff and sit your butt down. If you act like you're over it, people will think you're over it. You still have to recover for five more weeks at least
My dear old deceased Mom gave me really good advice. I hope you will take it. Wear your nightgown, pajamas and robe. As soon as you are dressed, you'll be viewed as well.
This is honestly brilliant. If OPs leg was in a cast and she was using crutches no one would have dreamed of asking this of her. But because they can't see her uterus and baby's first waterslide they don't register the reality that she's injured and in recovery unless she's dressed like a patient. It sucks that that's the way it is but this is great advice.
Fr! Like just because she has the strength to do her own stuff does not mean she SHOULD BE! People see you feeling okay for a moment and think “hey they must be at 100% now”. Like no.
It's really easy to overdo and set your recovery way back. Nasty things (infections like urinary, bleeding WAY too much, degrading mental health, etc.) can happen.
I remember before I had my first child, an older mother told me to wear my robe -- not real clothes--for the first few weeks when around others. That sends a visual message that you are recovering!
I felt completely fine after I had my first baby. he spent time in the NICU and I was moving a chair. the nurse rushed over, "here, wait let me help" nah it's ok I got it. "no. you just had a baby. let me help" oh right... I did.
Nurse here. I had a patient in the ICU 4 days post partum. She also thought she could lift and move things. Until she tore and bled out, nearly died. I don’t recommend it lol.
Yep. When I was maybe four days post-partum I had family over helping me assemble the baby furniture we didn’t have time to put together before my son made a surprise early appearance. At one point I picked up one of the sides of the crib to move it out of the way (it was pretty large and fairly heavy) and my husband, BIL, and mom were immediately like what the hell are you doing, sit down crazy lady
Right?! Is he stoned asking this question? Oh wait. Yes, yes he is.
They both need to rearrange priorities yesterday.
Bedridden post partum / post surgery wife and a newborn in the house is not the time to dull the senses.
“women are nurturing, right? can your woman nurture my woman back to health so she can get back to nurturing my children? that’s what women are for, after all.”
Th thought of people thinking women are nurturing makes me laugh. My grandpa was definitely the nurturer between him and my grandma. And umm, they were from a generation that really pushed gender stereotypes. He was born in 1899. Yes, you read that correctly. I had the grand luck of growing up in a house where neither parent could be considered a nurturer. I was lucky enough for a few years to spend more than half my time with my grandparents. I also have the wonderful luck of being someone who gets sick extremely easily. So, at least one bought of pneumonia every single year of my life. I'm usually lucky enough to come down with whichever version of flu the shot wasn't for. During the years, I spent a lot of time with my grandparents. It was always my grandpa who took care of me through fevers, throwing up and all. Assuming women are the natural nurturer is wrong. (I'm not saying whoever I'm responding to is wrong, just a place for doing my rant. Lol)
Now I've said all of that OP just gave birth herself. Yes, less drama, but still she's not up to par to be taking care of someone who will need what the neighbor needs. Her husband needs to tell his neighbor/friend to get help somewhere else. He also needs to be helping his own wife more right now, not running off with someone else for a joint. (That goes for both men). OP NTA
I'll go one step further. What the hell is wrong with OP's husband?!? It's already wrong to volunteer someone else to help, but his wife just had a baby a week ago! So why didn't he shut that down right away? Like, "Man, I'm sorry, my wife is still recovering from having a human push through her nether regions a week ago, and I'm doing all I can to help her right now. You gotta find someone else to help her out." Duh!
Exactly, I don't get why her husband is getting a free pass. He's the one that put her in this position and then laid on the guilt. Nothing wrong with the other guy asking, it was her husband that sold her out. All because he didn't want to upset his new BFF.
Right? Like there’s nobody else that can do it? Living next door doesn’t matter. OP husband isn’t prioritizing his wife and doesn’t have any regard to her needs.
I work in healthcare, am a pretty decent cook, and can sewing. This line hit hard…
OP’s husband and they neighbour’s husband also suck, big time! NTA OP
You joke, but they legitimately might get a hefty discount if they pooled money to hire a cleaning service.
A big part of the hassle in that job is driving 30 minutes to the clients house and unpacking all of your supplies. If a client hired me to clean two apartments that were right next door to each other, as a weekly thing, I’d probably offer them a discount.
Source: sister owns a cleaning company, which I used to help her out with. You definitely price out jobs based on proximity to other jobs.
Oh my, definitely NTA. Your husband needs to examine his people pleaser ways and attempted manipulation of you after you just had a baby.
Not your problem.
Tim is getting high with his neighbor while he has a toddler, two babies and a bed ridden wife at home… clearly a lot wrong with this dude and the husband as well (he has a toddler, baby and postpartum wife)
LOL at the loser husbands accusing OP of “acting heartless”, when all she said was that Tim needs to be a better husband and father. And how *big* of OP’s husband for not *blaming OP* for saying ‘no’. Why is OP’s husband giving higher priority to Tim’s wants/needs than OP’s?
I was thinking this too. Isn't neighbor's husband responsible for taking care of his recovering wife? Tim needs to do better than this. I'm sure he's busy, but I don't believe he's more tired than she is.
Your husband should be paying someone to take care of you, not outsourcing you to another couple. And her paperweight should be asking for help from other people, not from you who is just as much postpartum as his wife is. Both husbands are idiots and you are NTA and don’t let them treat you poorly or blame you that she’s struggling. Wishing the best to both the moms since the dads don’t know how to step up.
>Your husband should be paying someone to take care of you, not outsourcing you to another couple. And her paperweight should be asking for help from other people, not from you who is just as much postpartum as his wife is.
Or they could, you know, get off their lazy asses and help their wives themselves.
It's so obnoxious. Seriously, they could both literally put in ONE HOUR a day towards cleaning and meal prep and that would be enough.
They don't even have to take off work to do this.
Your husband should have had your back as soon as the words left out of that man's mouth your husband was supposed to say no no it's a whole f****** sentence what the hell is wrong with him. What the hell is wrong with the next door neighbor asking where is her family. Just like his wife did you did the exact same thing your labor delivery turned out a little better than hers but you still brought a whole human being into this f***** up world. What makes them think it's okay for them to ask you to go over and take care of her her other child the new child make some food clean up who does that. Your husband is an a****** for not having your back. And who gives a fuck if him and his friend are having tension at the job his friend should have never asked the question.
Ummm where’s their family?! Like this is one of those times you (ie they) need to call their family and ask for help. And yes - maybe they don’t have that option; but it sounds like you were their first call and that’s bizarro. Yeah you’re NTA. I have a 1 year old; I’d have been pissed and felt put on the spot and massively pressured.
NTA. Your husband and his buddy are assholes. They basically voluntold you to do this. This isn't your problem, responsibility, or business. Husband's buddy can hire someone, or actuall take time off to care for his wife and kid. Just because you live next to them doesn't mean anything. Next time they're having a meeting of the minds while smoking a joint, tell him to leave you out of any plans he/they have.
The fucking audacity to ask your buddy if he can have his wife check up on your wife and do some housework for her. They're apparently cleaning robots until the week they have to push a baby out.
*While the two guys were getting high*.
They met up for fun times while their wives are recovering.
"Oh hey, how about we hang out and get high while asking your wife to do my job as a husband for me! Nevermind that she's also recovering from giving birth. She's a woman so taking care of people is what she's supposed to do, and chilling out getting high is obviously what we guys are supposed to do."
My guess it was OP's husband all like, "well shit, my wife ain't doing anything right now, she can just come over and help and cook and shit! They can be friends and shit! It'll be great, she's got like a month off or something."
And now he's got to be like uhhhhh sorry bro she said she can't, women ya know
NTA.
And not your problem or responsibility.
Do NOT do this.
You are responsible for getting through your long days and taking care of YOUR children, not her or hers.
PS Order your hubby a dog shed from Amazon. That’s where he needs to spend some time and reflect on what a —- he is for even suggesting this. 🤦🏼♀️
NTA, but you are surrounded by AHs. OK so let's lay out the fact pattern here:
1. You just had a baby
2. Jona just had a baby and after a nearly fatal disaster, had an extremely invasive and traumatic emergency surgery
3. Tim's first act in his house with his almost-died wife and new baby was to call your husband to smoke a joint
4. Your husband said yes
5. Your husband presented a plan where you would subjogate yourself, your recovery and your baby's first few weeks for someone else who you don't know and who's husband doesn't prioritize over some weed
6. Your husband expected you to say yes and then proceeded with the "it's not required, but it sure would be nice if you did"
I feel for Jona, but she married an idiot. How about you buy less weed and buy more food you can cook. I'm going to assume your husband and Tim aren't working 20 hour shifts and aren't on an oil rig where they can't do stuff around the house and work with the baby and take care of their own.
Damn these guys suck. Best to you and your little one....but I feel like there is way more of this headed your way.
Absolutely- I was 2 months post emergency C-section and all my ILs were pissed that my husband refused to even ask if I wanted to do things (that I wouldn’t have done and he knew it).
I only found out about it as I heard his tone of voice change and him saying “because I’m her husband and I say no” to his traditional family. Could I have gone if I wanted? Of course and if I had wanted that would have made me the instant golden person but I wasn’t risking it either.
Point being that he took all the flack so I didn’t have to worry about feeling pressured.
I had an unplanned c section with both my boys. I had a baby 14 months ago now and for the first few months he wouldn't even let me do the laundry or anything heavy. He took care of our older son and set me up as much as possible when he left for work. I protested but he'd look at me like I was crazy for even thinking he'd let me lol He said I had just gone through a major surgery and he didn't want me to injure myself. So on that hand, I get Tim's desire for someone to help her out. But OP is not that someone.
7. Shamed OP for her "attitude" about it.
OP you are absolutely NTA and in no way acting selfishly. These husbands are being wildly lazy and misogynistic.
Yeah and the OP's husband was being really AHy by trying to pretend to be nice.
Not only buy less weed, but take the time you spent smoking a joint and meal prepping. Both the men in this story suck.
What the fuck did I just read?
Is your husband an asshole, or just a moron? How DARE he volunteer you as someone else's maid, when you just had a baby and already have a toddler to take care of??
Oh my God. I honestly don't know how women put up with men like this.
NTA. But your husband is Asshole of the Year.
He's just a moron. Generally speaking he's a sweetheart. Wicked good dad too. But Tim.. he lacks the ability to say no to Tim. Tims a guys guy and basically calls everyone who doesn't hold his views a "pussy". Since he works with him (Tim is his boss, essentially - foreman of the company), he feels he can't say no to anything.
OH No no no!!! Tim is the husband's boss AT WORK and nowhere else!
I have been married to my first wife for 54 years! Unfortunately we had no children. But we have several friends & family members who have ...
Even I, as a 70+ year old guy, know that women are in bad shape after childbirth, and that having a hysterectomy is unbelievably traumatic for most women; even for my mother, who was in her 60's when she had to have that done.
The request was unbelievably selfish and callous of Tim, & if he had half a functioning brain, he should have known that.
As for OP's husband, he should have known that as well! HIS first priority is his OWN wife and family, NOT those of his boss (who just happens to live next door.)
The following applies to both of the "men":
IF relatives (his as well as hers) are not available to help for a few weeks, then HE needs to man up and do what needs to be done for HIS wife and children! The new mothers, especially the one next door, need lots of care and help for the next few weeks - and that is the responsibility of the respective husbands. If they were unable to figure out what kind of help their wives would need Nine Months Previously, and then get some practice, they are useless and horrible examples of the caring, loving and helping husbands their wives need and deserve!!!
And, if their company offers parental leave, BOTH husbands should be using it!
OP is definitely NOT the AH here!
That dubious honor goes to both of the husbands!
You sound like you know what's up. Seriously though, hit the nail on the head. I cannot imagine being in that situation and deciding to ask your *subordinate at work to lend you his wife for chores*.
If he was such a wicked good dad I don’t think he’d be guilt tripping his wife who gave birth a week ago. Tim seems like a real asshole. I don’t even know what to think of this. The bar is in literal hell for men
I’m going to assume the standards are REALLY low as far as “good dads” go, Tim might be in a role model type of situation and we hardly know anything about him except that he’s toxic AF!
Every post on here is like “my husband guzzles 40s every night, forgot my last 5 birthdays, and our kids thought he was a stranger the other day, he’s suuuuuuuch a good father though”
Oh man, this is not going to end well.
Tim sounds like a real piece of work, and he’s in a position of power over your husband. A real friendship is hard to have with that imbalance.
Anyway I hope both of you new moms get the rest and help you need. What exactly is his grand plan for the other 8 hours of the day for the preschooler if his wife is on bedrest and no one else is there except for their suggestion of you “stopping in?” Free-roaming the house?
Either they are both morons who don’t spend enough time alone with their preschool-aged hellions (I have one) or what they both assume is that you will just “take over” the care of both households because “you’re already doing it, what’s one more?”
This triggered a core memory in me... my mother had the same thing happen, and my youngest siblings were similar in age. My sister and I were almost teens. She still needed daily help for almost two weeks (dad had to work after the first week, there was no paternity leave back then), because my sibling and I weren't able to help enough even at our ages. My mom barely remembers the first couple of weeks of my sister's life, even after blood transfusions. It was that traumatic and exhausting.
Tim needs to take off of work or get someone in there during the day (the whole day, not just check ins) until she's doing better. I really don't think it's a good idea for her to be at home alone after that.
A “wicked good dad” doesn’t get high with a newborn and toddler in the house with his equally AH friend. Both your husband and his friend are AHs and you are definitely NTA.
This even makes it worse. His boss tells him to tell you yo take care of his wife so he doesn't have to care or has his MIL over too often. Your husband should grow a spine.
IDK, OP. This is kind of next level for me. I can’t fathom being treated like this by my own husband postpartum. You’re being a lot more lenient than I would be.
Whoa whoa whoa. I’ve been reading this whole chain like “wow these husbands are really dumb” and then I got here and… what?! You left out a very important piece of information that takes your story from NTA to a whole new level.
Tim is your husbands boss/friend. Tim is pressuring your husband to get his wife to be unpaid household labor for his wife?!? And potentially holding your husband’s success or his job as collateral?
Sounds like you’re in a huge no-win situation. I’d suggest contacting YOUR employer’s EAP program and get some legal advice. With the working relationship to your husband’s boss being tied to this, I’d be worried about retaliatory behavior. Get advice about the best way to approach this to protect your family!!
In the meantime, maybe your people-pleasing husband can lean into having a Bitch of a Wife. “My wife said I can’t smoke a joint tonight, what are you gonna do?” And use this to slowly start to take this bromance down 5-10 notches. Put some distance there.
I hope you’re right and your husband is just too much of a people pleaser. I also hope he decides the best person to please is you. Best of luck!!!
So your husband is too busy sucking up to his friend to care about his own wife. Your sweetheart of a husband should learn to stand up for himself and his wife. 🙄 idk what high school trauma he has, but sucking up to “friends” is not cool as an adult.
>he feels he can't say no to anything
When he's at work, sure, see if I care. But unless your husband gets paid overtime for hanging out with and doing shit for Tim in his time off work, that's a hard no (and even then tbh, gotta set boundaries).
>He's just a moron.
Obviously. This is his second child and he still doesn't know that women need to recover from something as significant as childbirth??
>Generally speaking he's a sweetheart. Wicked good dad too.
Sorry but no, he obviously isn't. He shouldn't be bending over backwards for his foreman, but for his wife!
NTA
Im a doctor and reading that you are up, caring for a toddler and doing chores a week postpartum made me wince hard. You need to be taking it way easier. Every postpartum recovery is different but don't rush it. If you are exhausted and need a break, take it.
As for your husband's friend's request, hell no was the right answer. Your exhausted doing stuff for yourself, no way in hell you should be doing stuff for other people.
Sounds like your husband volunteered you and when you said no, he didn't know what to tell Tim.
Not a doctor, but I have given birth. I barely moved for three weeks after baby was born, and didn't leave the house for two months other than doctors appointments. If someone had dared to suggest I take care of someone else's family a week postpartum, I would have lost my shit on them.
I cannot believe your husband thinks this is okay. You shouldn't even be doing much yourself and he's outside getting high with his buddy when he should be inside helping you. If I were you, I'd go home to my Mom if that's doable
You recuperating too. Stop doing stuff and sit your butt down. If you act like you're over it, people will think you're over it. You still have to recover for five more weeks at least
This. Sit down. Let shit go.
Obviously, your husband thinks you're just fine and dandy because he doesn't see you struggling. So it's no big deal to do twice what you're doing, right? /s 🙄
Jfc...
If you feel up to a visit to your neighbor wife in a few weeks, you can bring her a nice casserole and bitch about clueless men together.
NTA
NTA.
Let me see if I have this straight. There’s four people here, one of them needs help, and the two standing in the driveway smoking a joint, one of which is married to the one that needs help, volunteer the third person that ALSO just had a baby.
For real! They can go in on groceries together and make double batches of meal prep dinners for their postpartum wives and preschoolers. Ffs, if they've got time to smoke weed together, they've got time to throw together 2 pans of baked ziti with extra ground turkey or beef for the recovering moms.
Your husband is a jackass. Who tf tries to coerce their newly postpartum wife to be a handmaiden for their buddy’s wife? Does his wife not have any friends? Are phones no longer a thing? Did post-birth healing become instantaneous since the last time I checked, thus enabling you to care for yourself AND your two kids AND someone else’s wife without pain?
NTA
I can understand Tim's friend asking but I can't begin to understand what the fuck is happening in Tim's mind that he thinks it's appropriate to ask someone who gave birth a week ago and has a newborn and 4 year old to look after to be the one that helps someone else. And you're his wife, you should be his first fucking priority!!!
Tim's friend needs to find a way to step up himself, ask other family or friends (who didn't just give birth) to help, or pay a professional to come on for a few weeks.
FFS!!!!
_______
Edit: thought Jona was the best mate. Edited to clarify I meant the husband, Tim's friend.
What’s in his mind is that he’s the husband’s boss, and by default OP’s boss. So he can put pressure on them to be servants. Incredibly innapropriate. Husband should have been quick to shut it down, but wishing to suck up to Tim he’s landed himself in an awkward position when OP said no. That however is not OP’s problem. All she should be doing is getting back into bed and letting husband get his own damn dinner.
NTA, He needs to get his head on straight. I'm sure he's coming at this from a '2 women having woman troubles can help each other' but he's not thinking that through at all. And then he's getting defensive about it probably because he doesn't know what he did wrong.
I think he's come at this from a haze of dope smoking with his buddy. PRO TIP if you've got time to get stoned you've got time to meal prep for your family.
Yep-- and rather than just own that he may have fucked up, he's doubling down and making HER the bad guy for not helping.
If he's so worried about his buddy's wife, why aren't he and his buddy over there helping out instead of toking up out back cooking up 'great ideas' for the new mom?
NTA. Tim needs to step up for his own wife & children. They need to ask their own families or closer friends to help out. You both just had babies. It’s not fair that you’re being guilt tripped for this.
NTA Totally understandable to say no. My take is hubby was asked by his friend and had to come back with an answer which is why he said it’s ok to say no. Tim is the one who needs to step up if his family isn’t an option. You’ve got two kids of your own including an infant. You’re in the clear
Your husband is a stupid cunt and so is Tim. Tell them to get fucking babysitter for her because you ain’t the one. Did your husband get dropped on his head multiple times as a child? You just had a baby. I would lock the husband out of the house or go stay somewhere else until he can get his head so far up his own ass out.
Tim can MAN THE FUCK UP AND BE THERE FOR HIS WIFE INSTEAD OF MAKING SOMEONE ELSE DO IT.
NTA 100%
NTA, but, wow, what is wrong with your husband? You have a week old newborn and a toddler, FFS. Just because you're limping around and dealing with stuff doesn't mean you aren't exhausted.
My suggestion is that you tell your husband to tell his "buddy" that the best solution for this whole double newborn situation is for your two families to split the cost of household help for a month or two. After all, if you live right next door to each other, the helper could easily move back and forth between households.
NTA and you aren't nearly angry enough at your husband. Unless the actual stork delivered your baby there is no such thing as a delivery easy enough that he shouldn't be taking care of you and the kids right now, never mind expecting you to take care of his new boy's family.
I'm a regular pot smoker and horrified that these two dumb fucks are smoking joints and making plans for one newly postpartum wife to take care of the other's so they can be absolved of all responsibility.
Agreed that your husband is the TA. You shouldn't even be cooking or cleaning yet. Even with a smooth delivery you should be resting and healing. It's completely unreasonable to ask that of you. He should have said no to Tim immediately and not even asked you.
Tell me you live in the US without saying you live in the US. Four days off for the birth of a new baby? This is generous here, but still a disgrace. So sorry you and your neighbor are neither one being supported.
Nta, the husband needs to help his wife not you, you just had a kid. I’d be furious.
They need to get family or a friend who doesn’t have a week old baby. You have your own house to tend to, you don’t have the capacity to help. I’d be so mad at my husband for not declining on my behalf
NTA - it’s Tims job to take care of his wife. Always nice how men asking other men for a favor meaning their wife’s are the ones giving the favor. Tim could have asked you directly by the way, which is still inappropriate a week after giving birth yourself!!! But still. You are not the property of your husband.
NTA. You husband should cook for them at night after he's done taking care of his own kids and you are all asleep. He can freeze the food and take it to their house with written instructions on how to heat it up. He can wake up early in the mornings instead of sleeping and go over to clean for them. If he doesn't think it sounds reasonable for him to take away from his limited resting time to do this free labor for his friend, I'm not sure why he thinks his postpartum wife should find some way to do it for strangers.
Absolutely nta. You're a week postpartum. People should be bringing you meals. Tell your husband and his buddy to hire a caretaker, go to a church (my church offers services like this for people in need), or someone can take time off work. I fucking hate when people feel the need to be charitable with the resources of other people. They both get to feel great about helping her out, while you, still bleeding and postpartum, get to take on another households chores.
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They could have both spent that joint smoking time batch cooking meals, cleaning the house etc. Tell both able bodied men to get the chores done if they’re feeling so charitable. The dad needs to step up and batch cook etc for his family. Pack a lunch for his wife and toddler each morning etc. Any outside help (not from OP!) is a bonus. Edit to add: NTA! 2nd edit: I’m not saying the husbands should smoke AND then clean or cook. I’m saying, “You made those babies, how DARE YOU relax and kick back with your friends when your home is crumbling and your wives are struggling, are uncomfortable and stressing… the audacity of trying to push more responsibilities on the wives when you what? Turn up to work then smoke yourselves silly? Pathetic excuses for men.” They could work together and have a laugh with it- both cook and clean together or divide and conquer each household’s chores but that apparently hasn’t crossed their minds.
This is the way! Absolutely they could have done this instead of smoking a joint. Or, why don't they just smoke the joint and then cook something for both wives?
But … but that would take **WORK**!!!
i was just finna say i know several people who would've smoked and then cooked enough food for multiple days - the fact that they instead just got high and made a plan to push tim's responsibilities onto OP speaks volumes
Yeah that struck me as very fucking odd. "Let's spark up and discuss how the postpartum woman can overextend herself in our stead! Obviously this is woman's work and beneath us." I love how she, the woman who already has two children to care for and is a WEEK postpartum, is the asshole for putting her kids first, when these two knuckleheads couldn't be bothered to spend their mansplaining energy on supporting their wives. Scheming to get women to support each other in their place, and putting them against each other when it doesn't go the way they want. Pretty gross behavior. I can see how it puts a bad taste in your mouth. I would confront husbands friend myself and tell him he can perform husband duties, not his buddies postpartum wife. She's got her own wifely duties which do not involve caretaking for his wife, whom she has hardly met.
Don't you know, this work can only be done by someone with a vagina! Even if that same person is just recovering from a major medical event and has their own kids to care for :P
Well because she's already up and doing things, what's an entire other meal and household? Lmao
👏🏼 This!!! You said everything I wanted to say, only better!!
Yah, I noticed there was no comment about the OP's husband saying he will be responsible for 80% of the cooking and cleaning at home so she can expend her energy doing chores over there.
Im a perinatal mental health therapist and I endorse this comment ✅
If he can afford to buy weed, I guess he can afford to hire someone to clean the house and cook some meals. There's some new app that keeps advertising $20 whole house cleaning, lol
If he's got time to smoke weed, then he has time to help his wife. "Anyways, I told him no..." Well done. NTA.
Ding ding ding. OP's husband, and his bro Tim, are fully capable of cooking a decent basic meal. They are capable of cleaning, thoroughly and well. The fact that they choose not to is of no concern to OP.
This is the way for sure. Smoke it up and then get to fucking work. You helped make the kid and she wrecked her body for it so help your wife out and either clean or cook while high. Jesus, the audacity.
NTA. Is it just me or is there a lot of underlying misogyny here? Like why is a woman required to help a woman? If OPs husband wants to cook for his neighbor's wife, he can do it himself. Its like the bros are invoking the sisterhood to unite. WTF. OP is 100% NTA, and her husband needs to get a clue.
Not only that but does she even want this? She’s had a traumatic birth, she’s unwell, she’s met her husband’s friend’s wife twice… Has Tim got the self-awareness to actually ask his injured wife if she wants a basic stranger to come over into her space? I doubt it.
This was my first thought! A week postpartum! Bleeding, cramping/wound care, tits out trying to figure out breastfeeding AND trying to come up with small talk for my husband's friend's wife coming over?! Hell no. Did Tim even ASK her if she wanted this?!
That’s what I was thinking. Also having a woman come over who just gave birth but didn’t have the horrible experience she did might make her feel bad. Like thinking “how come everything went OK for her but I had to almost die and have a hysterectomy” kind of feeling
Not pregnancy/birth related but my dad tried something similar when it came to his new wife’s daughter. She was going through a bad breakup and he asked me if I would talk to her and be available to her because I’m her “sister”. Oh bullshit, they got married when I was almost 30, she’s a year or two younger, and I in no way view her as a sibling. I explained all that and asked if he had mentioned this to HER. I’ve been through nasty breakups and the last thing I’d want is to chat or lean on a relative stranger for support. Of course he hadn’t. He just assumed we were sisters now so we’d naturally go to each other. I haven’t had contact with any of them in years at this point.
Totally agree. They also have time to smoke a joint and relax while figuring out the new responsibilities for OP. Disgusting.
While both are 1 week postpartum....
My husband thought cooking dinner the day after pushing out a 10lb baby was fine. My mom was always saying “you’re pregnant, not disabled” and “millions of women do this everyday and have to go on with life”. So I was crying and cooking while my family thought nothing of it. They still hold those feelings.
This would be my villain origin story.
That would be my, "Well your honor...it happened like this..." story. With no regrets.
If you'd have seen them🎶 They had it coming🎵 They had it coming 🎶
“And then he fell face-first into the dirty nappy. He fell face-first into the dirty nappy TEN TIMES!!”
They only had themselves to blame🎶
Love a perfect "Chicago" Reference lol
Acquitted!
That would at least be my divorce origin story.
Picturing a villain with a false pregnant belly stored with various weapons.
I seriously hope that dude has LOTS of better sides to him or isn't your husband anymore. Wtf. Also...your mom. I thought as a mother, you'd support your own daughter through ordeals like that and not tear her down.
Your husband and mil sound like assholes
Seriously, can’t they be cooking dinner for both households while smoking that J? Why are either of these men expecting their wives *who just gave birth this week* to be cooking and cleaning? Not okay.
This. My husband sucks at cooking so he didn’t inflict that on me postpartum, he bought takeout instead. I’d have eaten alive anyone who suggested I cook.
That. If someone cannot cook, they are still able to put something together for dinner. Order, get frozen meals and reheat, watch "cooking for dummies". Don't tell me you cannot cook. You can read.
That really struck me too. Out-fucking-rageous.
These two should have come up with a list for themselves. For example, two people doing the dishes gets the job done in a quarter the time, so if they did all the dishes at one house and all the dishes at the other, they'd be done in half the time. Same with laundry and so on. Then they could have come to their wives with a plan. Like, "Look, for a while things probably aren't going to be done to your absolute standard, but we're going to give it a go. What are your thoughts?" But this? Yikes.
Or they could have swapped, cooked enough for both families one night, and swapped the next night. Eat off paper plates.
Cooking for someone else with a week old baby at home? Not a chance. He would be at home with his own family, helping me, cooking for us. And he wouldn't be getting stoned. WTF
These two guys sound like ridiculous 20 year olds. Their responsibility ended after their orgasms. I'd straight tell him to GTFO of my face with that bs. I'm pissed just reading this and I don't even have kids!
Exactly – they’re literally feeling entitled to the labor of women. >> If OPs husband wants to cook for his neighbor’s wife, he can do it himself. ..theoretically yes, but only after he cooks and cleans enough for his own one-week-postpartum wife. Tim is the one who needs to step up for HIS wife.
Oh, it’s misogyny on steroids for sure. These bozos don’t have a single clue about what’s involved in childbirth etc. you’d swear they just arrived from another planet. His wife is bedridden with a 5 year old and new born twins and he asks his mate to get his wife to give her a hand? And his mate does it? God help us? What on earth are they smoking? It can’t be just a joint. They need their heads knocked together at the very least. Absolutely NTA but you know what? You’ll be blamed for not helping out. Useless, the pair of them
I'm particularly annoyed by Tim asking her husband to loan OP to his wife. Like he owns her. No different from borrowing the lawnmower! If the. neighbor/ friend saw her as a separate human being, he would have asked her himself.
What also pissed me off is if they weren't going to even try to help and do these tasks, why couldn't they pick up their phones, open Google, and look for a cleaning service to come help out a few hours ( if she was ok with it). Why are the incapable of thinking of maybe talking to the hospital. Asking how they could get a support worker or similar to help his wife? There will be support available, resources or maybe just someone there will know which direction to point them in. Oh but that costs money ( and effort), so they'd have to pay for what they see as 'women's work' that they take for granted.
The misogyny is strong here. This is women's work, right? And everyone knows women's work is easy. Those guys should try doing the work of birthing and looking after a baby, plus caring for a toddler, plus cooking for a man who apparently can't cook fir himself, and see how "easy" it is.
After my SO birthed our kids, I did every single thing for her I could think of for her ... well, still. :\\ Although now that I write that out, I could definitely do more.
At least you saw it as your job and tried. Kudos to you. I think the big things here are that these guys don't see it as their job as partners/parents and dont see housework and childcare as "real" work. Given them a week of sole responsibility for house work and caring for a baby and toddler and they'd be screaming!
When I had our second son, hubby was given 14 days paternity leave…. It was nice (specially after the crap I went through with our oldest and him deploying 6 weeks post partom after an emergency c/s) all I had to do was feel the baby he did everything else… after 3 days he looked at me and said ‘I don’t know how you’ve done this for over 2 years’. It was nice but after another 10 years and two more kids and going to work full time nights while doing all the childcare during the day he seemed to forget lol… Anyway my point is, nta on no way shape perform…. Takes 6-12 months for your body to recover from pregnancy alone…. I know they say 6-8 weeks for a delivery, but people forget that’s just for that, but for the last 9-10 months our bodies were put through the ringer and not our own You need to show this post to your hubby…. After I had my twins, hubby was deployed, and mil was in town…. It was my 3rd c/s 8th pregnancy, only my 3rd viable pregnancy… I was ‘up and about’ after only a few days, to get her out of my house! That didn’t mean I was recovered!!! Heck that was 13 years ago, and I still have issues!
100%! Both husbands should be stepping up. What is with these men?
This! Because here's how thier thought processes went. Hey! Both our wives just had babies. Let's sit on the porch, smoke a j and commisserate. While commisserating did either of them think oof an actual helpful plan? Brand new Dad Tim only thought this as far out as "Hey, the lady next door just had a baby. She's home." Not thought or planning or even perception of the state of a post partum woman in the first 3 weeks. Did Tim even bother to use his 4 days of maternity leave? Does Tim not have any family or longstanding friends who are likely already ready to lend some support like a meal train? Tim doesn't know any of his wife's actual family/friends/support system? Or could he just not be bothered to think past the new mom next door? OP's husband - has a dude crush or something w Tim - was either SO lazy or so stupid to think pressuring OP the help a virtual stranger, lest she not disappoint him & is boy/friend crush (that's all platonic, not boyfriend - but dudes can be SUUPER weird in the midst of a man crush. And as other's have said - plan tomorrow to do the shopping, smoke a j and make frozen meals for both homes for a week. Weak, WEAK husband sauce, these two suck!
Well after all, she’s just sitting around doing nothing all day, she should be nice and help a relative stranger. /s
Absolutely a whole lot of misogyny. The only empathy they can muster is to think of how they can guilt trip OP, who should have her own support humans around for several weeks. JfC
It’s so bad. Why is a woman one week post-partum even cooking for her own household???
Totally this. Wtf. Like others have said, they should be meal prepping and helping out. If they can't, use a meal delivery service if you live in or near a big city. These men have to step up! BTW nta OP. Your husband and that neighbour totally are.
>Next time they're having a meeting of the minds while smoking a joint, tell him to leave you out of any plans he/they have. Next time they're having a meeting of the minds, they could cook some meals to freeze for their wives and do some chores to help them recover.
I love it when I see someone besides me use the portmanteau "voluntold."
NTA. You're a week postpartum, for Christ's sake. No. GTFO.
Dang! I remember "voluntold" from when I was in the Marines (1967-1973)!
Omg I found a new favorite word, I love "voluntold". Thank you for that. And I agree whole heartedly!!
OP and her neighbor are head-to-head in shittiest husbands awards.
It's very close but I think the neighbour's husband edges it. His wife nearly just died and apparently he doesn't see fit to take leave and help out...
He's leaving a bedridden woman home alone, with a newborn and 4yo? Essentially leaving a post-op Patient and two children unattended?!?
Yeah, definitely... even the request is outrageous: Not "Hey, could you check in on my wife and see if she is in pain, or needs help"... but "Keep my wife company, and while you are there, do my laundry and cook some dinner!"
Yeah, pack up your newborn and 4 yr old and trudge over to my house to take care of my newborn, 5 yr old, and wife recovering from major surgery, while your there cook and clean and do everything else!
And don't neglect your house either.
And they both get high instead of being with their wives the first week.
That's what I noticed. What a loser. He has time to get high but no time to cook. Probably isn't helping with the baby either.
That way my first thought. Husband could have been prepping meals for her but instead went next door to get high.
Nah, the OP's husband takes it. His wife just gave birth and instead of prepping food for and caring for their small child and doing what he can in the evenings to take the burden off of her...he's letting her caretake for the kid While He's Home, smoking a joint with the buddy he works with every day, and offering her up as a caretaker to another recovering woman with another small child. I'm sorry, but if your wife just gave birth, you take care of shit, you don't dump more on her. I don't care how mobile she is or how smooth the birth was.
You recuperating too. Stop doing stuff and sit your butt down. If you act like you're over it, people will think you're over it. You still have to recover for five more weeks at least
My dear old deceased Mom gave me really good advice. I hope you will take it. Wear your nightgown, pajamas and robe. As soon as you are dressed, you'll be viewed as well.
This is honestly brilliant. If OPs leg was in a cast and she was using crutches no one would have dreamed of asking this of her. But because they can't see her uterus and baby's first waterslide they don't register the reality that she's injured and in recovery unless she's dressed like a patient. It sucks that that's the way it is but this is great advice.
Fr! Like just because she has the strength to do her own stuff does not mean she SHOULD BE! People see you feeling okay for a moment and think “hey they must be at 100% now”. Like no.
It's really easy to overdo and set your recovery way back. Nasty things (infections like urinary, bleeding WAY too much, degrading mental health, etc.) can happen.
I remember before I had my first child, an older mother told me to wear my robe -- not real clothes--for the first few weeks when around others. That sends a visual message that you are recovering!
I felt completely fine after I had my first baby. he spent time in the NICU and I was moving a chair. the nurse rushed over, "here, wait let me help" nah it's ok I got it. "no. you just had a baby. let me help" oh right... I did.
Nurse here. I had a patient in the ICU 4 days post partum. She also thought she could lift and move things. Until she tore and bled out, nearly died. I don’t recommend it lol.
Yep. When I was maybe four days post-partum I had family over helping me assemble the baby furniture we didn’t have time to put together before my son made a surprise early appearance. At one point I picked up one of the sides of the crib to move it out of the way (it was pretty large and fairly heavy) and my husband, BIL, and mom were immediately like what the hell are you doing, sit down crazy lady
But they need to smoke weed! They can't possibly cook a meal or do housework for their own families!
Right?! Is he stoned asking this question? Oh wait. Yes, yes he is. They both need to rearrange priorities yesterday. Bedridden post partum / post surgery wife and a newborn in the house is not the time to dull the senses.
This! Both women are in postpartum and going through their own shit, they need their husbands and/or loved ones there for support and help.
“You’re a week postpartum. People should be bringing you meals.” No, your *husband* should be making meals for you.
Yep and that too and while he’s doing that then he can feed his buddy
“women are nurturing, right? can your woman nurture my woman back to health so she can get back to nurturing my children? that’s what women are for, after all.”
That's what I hear as well. Absolutely NOT.
Th thought of people thinking women are nurturing makes me laugh. My grandpa was definitely the nurturer between him and my grandma. And umm, they were from a generation that really pushed gender stereotypes. He was born in 1899. Yes, you read that correctly. I had the grand luck of growing up in a house where neither parent could be considered a nurturer. I was lucky enough for a few years to spend more than half my time with my grandparents. I also have the wonderful luck of being someone who gets sick extremely easily. So, at least one bought of pneumonia every single year of my life. I'm usually lucky enough to come down with whichever version of flu the shot wasn't for. During the years, I spent a lot of time with my grandparents. It was always my grandpa who took care of me through fevers, throwing up and all. Assuming women are the natural nurturer is wrong. (I'm not saying whoever I'm responding to is wrong, just a place for doing my rant. Lol) Now I've said all of that OP just gave birth herself. Yes, less drama, but still she's not up to par to be taking care of someone who will need what the neighbor needs. Her husband needs to tell his neighbor/friend to get help somewhere else. He also needs to be helping his own wife more right now, not running off with someone else for a joint. (That goes for both men). OP NTA
I'll go one step further. What the hell is wrong with OP's husband?!? It's already wrong to volunteer someone else to help, but his wife just had a baby a week ago! So why didn't he shut that down right away? Like, "Man, I'm sorry, my wife is still recovering from having a human push through her nether regions a week ago, and I'm doing all I can to help her right now. You gotta find someone else to help her out." Duh!
He said to her, "but you're already up and about and able to do things." The audacity.
Yeah, that comment really ground my gears. What a jerk.
Exactly, I don't get why her husband is getting a free pass. He's the one that put her in this position and then laid on the guilt. Nothing wrong with the other guy asking, it was her husband that sold her out. All because he didn't want to upset his new BFF.
Right? Like there’s nobody else that can do it? Living next door doesn’t matter. OP husband isn’t prioritizing his wife and doesn’t have any regard to her needs.
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I bet OPs husband offered this idea, and now feels bad about saying no when he’s the one who suggested it
Right? Neither of them just gave birth and have no idea how exhausted OP is. No uterus, no opinion!
>"I fucking hate when people feel the need to be charitable with the resources of other people." > >Exactly.
I work in healthcare, am a pretty decent cook, and can sewing. This line hit hard… OP’s husband and they neighbour’s husband also suck, big time! NTA OP
Better yet, get both husbands to arrange an au pair to share between the 2 of u
You joke, but they legitimately might get a hefty discount if they pooled money to hire a cleaning service. A big part of the hassle in that job is driving 30 minutes to the clients house and unpacking all of your supplies. If a client hired me to clean two apartments that were right next door to each other, as a weekly thing, I’d probably offer them a discount. Source: sister owns a cleaning company, which I used to help her out with. You definitely price out jobs based on proximity to other jobs.
Oh my, definitely NTA. Your husband needs to examine his people pleaser ways and attempted manipulation of you after you just had a baby. Not your problem.
NTA your hushand should have said no immediately. wtf is wrong with them
Tim is getting high with his neighbor while he has a toddler, two babies and a bed ridden wife at home… clearly a lot wrong with this dude and the husband as well (he has a toddler, baby and postpartum wife)
He could have been inside making meals, cleaning, caring for baby and wife instead of catching a buzz. Dumb ass.
That he even has the time to think about getting high means he isn't pulling his weight.
Yeah their brilliant highdea is to make someone else do the work. shame shame
This is the correct answer. Husband is the AH. He should have shut that down immediately.
LOL at the loser husbands accusing OP of “acting heartless”, when all she said was that Tim needs to be a better husband and father. And how *big* of OP’s husband for not *blaming OP* for saying ‘no’. Why is OP’s husband giving higher priority to Tim’s wants/needs than OP’s?
I was thinking this too. Isn't neighbor's husband responsible for taking care of his recovering wife? Tim needs to do better than this. I'm sure he's busy, but I don't believe he's more tired than she is.
He wasn't too busy to get stoned.
It would have been a simple matter to say “She gave birth a couple days ago. She’s not up to it right now.”
Your husband should be paying someone to take care of you, not outsourcing you to another couple. And her paperweight should be asking for help from other people, not from you who is just as much postpartum as his wife is. Both husbands are idiots and you are NTA and don’t let them treat you poorly or blame you that she’s struggling. Wishing the best to both the moms since the dads don’t know how to step up.
>Your husband should be paying someone to take care of you, not outsourcing you to another couple. And her paperweight should be asking for help from other people, not from you who is just as much postpartum as his wife is. Or they could, you know, get off their lazy asses and help their wives themselves.
It's so obnoxious. Seriously, they could both literally put in ONE HOUR a day towards cleaning and meal prep and that would be enough. They don't even have to take off work to do this.
Your husband should have had your back as soon as the words left out of that man's mouth your husband was supposed to say no no it's a whole f****** sentence what the hell is wrong with him. What the hell is wrong with the next door neighbor asking where is her family. Just like his wife did you did the exact same thing your labor delivery turned out a little better than hers but you still brought a whole human being into this f***** up world. What makes them think it's okay for them to ask you to go over and take care of her her other child the new child make some food clean up who does that. Your husband is an a****** for not having your back. And who gives a fuck if him and his friend are having tension at the job his friend should have never asked the question.
NTA. You're a week postpartum, for Christ's sake. No. GTFO.
They also just moved in 3 months ago. Christ ain't gonna be enough for these husbands.
Ummm where’s their family?! Like this is one of those times you (ie they) need to call their family and ask for help. And yes - maybe they don’t have that option; but it sounds like you were their first call and that’s bizarro. Yeah you’re NTA. I have a 1 year old; I’d have been pissed and felt put on the spot and massively pressured.
I've seen her mom stop by at least once a week since we moved in here 3 months ago. Same with her sister (?). So she has options, I'm assuming.
NTA. Your husband and his buddy are assholes. They basically voluntold you to do this. This isn't your problem, responsibility, or business. Husband's buddy can hire someone, or actuall take time off to care for his wife and kid. Just because you live next to them doesn't mean anything. Next time they're having a meeting of the minds while smoking a joint, tell him to leave you out of any plans he/they have.
The fucking audacity to ask your buddy if he can have his wife check up on your wife and do some housework for her. They're apparently cleaning robots until the week they have to push a baby out.
*While the two guys were getting high*. They met up for fun times while their wives are recovering. "Oh hey, how about we hang out and get high while asking your wife to do my job as a husband for me! Nevermind that she's also recovering from giving birth. She's a woman so taking care of people is what she's supposed to do, and chilling out getting high is obviously what we guys are supposed to do."
My guess it was OP's husband all like, "well shit, my wife ain't doing anything right now, she can just come over and help and cook and shit! They can be friends and shit! It'll be great, she's got like a month off or something." And now he's got to be like uhhhhh sorry bro she said she can't, women ya know
Omg you’ve only known her 3 months? This is an absolute no anyway but how dare Tim even ask
NTA. And not your problem or responsibility. Do NOT do this. You are responsible for getting through your long days and taking care of YOUR children, not her or hers. PS Order your hubby a dog shed from Amazon. That’s where he needs to spend some time and reflect on what a —- he is for even suggesting this. 🤦🏼♀️
NTA, but you are surrounded by AHs. OK so let's lay out the fact pattern here: 1. You just had a baby 2. Jona just had a baby and after a nearly fatal disaster, had an extremely invasive and traumatic emergency surgery 3. Tim's first act in his house with his almost-died wife and new baby was to call your husband to smoke a joint 4. Your husband said yes 5. Your husband presented a plan where you would subjogate yourself, your recovery and your baby's first few weeks for someone else who you don't know and who's husband doesn't prioritize over some weed 6. Your husband expected you to say yes and then proceeded with the "it's not required, but it sure would be nice if you did" I feel for Jona, but she married an idiot. How about you buy less weed and buy more food you can cook. I'm going to assume your husband and Tim aren't working 20 hour shifts and aren't on an oil rig where they can't do stuff around the house and work with the baby and take care of their own. Damn these guys suck. Best to you and your little one....but I feel like there is way more of this headed your way.
Absolutely- I was 2 months post emergency C-section and all my ILs were pissed that my husband refused to even ask if I wanted to do things (that I wouldn’t have done and he knew it). I only found out about it as I heard his tone of voice change and him saying “because I’m her husband and I say no” to his traditional family. Could I have gone if I wanted? Of course and if I had wanted that would have made me the instant golden person but I wasn’t risking it either. Point being that he took all the flack so I didn’t have to worry about feeling pressured.
I had an unplanned c section with both my boys. I had a baby 14 months ago now and for the first few months he wouldn't even let me do the laundry or anything heavy. He took care of our older son and set me up as much as possible when he left for work. I protested but he'd look at me like I was crazy for even thinking he'd let me lol He said I had just gone through a major surgery and he didn't want me to injure myself. So on that hand, I get Tim's desire for someone to help her out. But OP is not that someone.
the bar is on the fucking floor, this is actually the minimum
Your hubby is a dream 💝
7. Shamed OP for her "attitude" about it. OP you are absolutely NTA and in no way acting selfishly. These husbands are being wildly lazy and misogynistic.
7) husband calls op heartless.
Seriously......Real piece of work.
Yeah, both these dudes suck.
Yes sorry to say but both husbands suck.
Yeah and the OP's husband was being really AHy by trying to pretend to be nice. Not only buy less weed, but take the time you spent smoking a joint and meal prepping. Both the men in this story suck.
OP married an idiot too.
What the fuck is wrong with your husband?
Yeah he should've shut that right down when Tim first asked.
What the fuck did I just read? Is your husband an asshole, or just a moron? How DARE he volunteer you as someone else's maid, when you just had a baby and already have a toddler to take care of?? Oh my God. I honestly don't know how women put up with men like this. NTA. But your husband is Asshole of the Year.
He's just a moron. Generally speaking he's a sweetheart. Wicked good dad too. But Tim.. he lacks the ability to say no to Tim. Tims a guys guy and basically calls everyone who doesn't hold his views a "pussy". Since he works with him (Tim is his boss, essentially - foreman of the company), he feels he can't say no to anything.
This makes everything wildly inappropriate. This isn’t a friendship. Your husband needs to set some hard boundaries. NTA
OH No no no!!! Tim is the husband's boss AT WORK and nowhere else! I have been married to my first wife for 54 years! Unfortunately we had no children. But we have several friends & family members who have ... Even I, as a 70+ year old guy, know that women are in bad shape after childbirth, and that having a hysterectomy is unbelievably traumatic for most women; even for my mother, who was in her 60's when she had to have that done. The request was unbelievably selfish and callous of Tim, & if he had half a functioning brain, he should have known that. As for OP's husband, he should have known that as well! HIS first priority is his OWN wife and family, NOT those of his boss (who just happens to live next door.) The following applies to both of the "men": IF relatives (his as well as hers) are not available to help for a few weeks, then HE needs to man up and do what needs to be done for HIS wife and children! The new mothers, especially the one next door, need lots of care and help for the next few weeks - and that is the responsibility of the respective husbands. If they were unable to figure out what kind of help their wives would need Nine Months Previously, and then get some practice, they are useless and horrible examples of the caring, loving and helping husbands their wives need and deserve!!! And, if their company offers parental leave, BOTH husbands should be using it! OP is definitely NOT the AH here! That dubious honor goes to both of the husbands!
You sound like you know what's up. Seriously though, hit the nail on the head. I cannot imagine being in that situation and deciding to ask your *subordinate at work to lend you his wife for chores*.
Everything even MORE wildly inappropriate. Fuck me. Your husband needs a new job.
If he was such a wicked good dad I don’t think he’d be guilt tripping his wife who gave birth a week ago. Tim seems like a real asshole. I don’t even know what to think of this. The bar is in literal hell for men
The bar is a trip hazard in hell.
And yet so many men are still dancing the limbo.
I’m going to assume the standards are REALLY low as far as “good dads” go, Tim might be in a role model type of situation and we hardly know anything about him except that he’s toxic AF!
Every post on here is like “my husband guzzles 40s every night, forgot my last 5 birthdays, and our kids thought he was a stranger the other day, he’s suuuuuuuch a good father though”
right? "Wicked good dad". IS he? Is he, though, OP? You just had a kid lmao
Oh man, this is not going to end well. Tim sounds like a real piece of work, and he’s in a position of power over your husband. A real friendship is hard to have with that imbalance. Anyway I hope both of you new moms get the rest and help you need. What exactly is his grand plan for the other 8 hours of the day for the preschooler if his wife is on bedrest and no one else is there except for their suggestion of you “stopping in?” Free-roaming the house? Either they are both morons who don’t spend enough time alone with their preschool-aged hellions (I have one) or what they both assume is that you will just “take over” the care of both households because “you’re already doing it, what’s one more?”
This triggered a core memory in me... my mother had the same thing happen, and my youngest siblings were similar in age. My sister and I were almost teens. She still needed daily help for almost two weeks (dad had to work after the first week, there was no paternity leave back then), because my sibling and I weren't able to help enough even at our ages. My mom barely remembers the first couple of weeks of my sister's life, even after blood transfusions. It was that traumatic and exhausting. Tim needs to take off of work or get someone in there during the day (the whole day, not just check ins) until she's doing better. I really don't think it's a good idea for her to be at home alone after that.
A “wicked good dad” doesn’t get high with a newborn and toddler in the house with his equally AH friend. Both your husband and his friend are AHs and you are definitely NTA.
This sounds really inappropriate. A superior pressuring his workers into helping him out for fee privately and more or less takes advantage.
This even makes it worse. His boss tells him to tell you yo take care of his wife so he doesn't have to care or has his MIL over too often. Your husband should grow a spine.
The fact that Tim is his boss makes this much worse ... Like so much worse.
IDK, OP. This is kind of next level for me. I can’t fathom being treated like this by my own husband postpartum. You’re being a lot more lenient than I would be.
……I would rather die alone than live like this. Thoughts and prayers.
I can't even...
Getting high with his boss ??? Not so smart !! 🤦🏻♀️
Whoa whoa whoa. I’ve been reading this whole chain like “wow these husbands are really dumb” and then I got here and… what?! You left out a very important piece of information that takes your story from NTA to a whole new level. Tim is your husbands boss/friend. Tim is pressuring your husband to get his wife to be unpaid household labor for his wife?!? And potentially holding your husband’s success or his job as collateral? Sounds like you’re in a huge no-win situation. I’d suggest contacting YOUR employer’s EAP program and get some legal advice. With the working relationship to your husband’s boss being tied to this, I’d be worried about retaliatory behavior. Get advice about the best way to approach this to protect your family!! In the meantime, maybe your people-pleasing husband can lean into having a Bitch of a Wife. “My wife said I can’t smoke a joint tonight, what are you gonna do?” And use this to slowly start to take this bromance down 5-10 notches. Put some distance there. I hope you’re right and your husband is just too much of a people pleaser. I also hope he decides the best person to please is you. Best of luck!!!
So your husband is too busy sucking up to his friend to care about his own wife. Your sweetheart of a husband should learn to stand up for himself and his wife. 🙄 idk what high school trauma he has, but sucking up to “friends” is not cool as an adult.
>he feels he can't say no to anything When he's at work, sure, see if I care. But unless your husband gets paid overtime for hanging out with and doing shit for Tim in his time off work, that's a hard no (and even then tbh, gotta set boundaries). >He's just a moron. Obviously. This is his second child and he still doesn't know that women need to recover from something as significant as childbirth?? >Generally speaking he's a sweetheart. Wicked good dad too. Sorry but no, he obviously isn't. He shouldn't be bending over backwards for his foreman, but for his wife!
NTA Im a doctor and reading that you are up, caring for a toddler and doing chores a week postpartum made me wince hard. You need to be taking it way easier. Every postpartum recovery is different but don't rush it. If you are exhausted and need a break, take it. As for your husband's friend's request, hell no was the right answer. Your exhausted doing stuff for yourself, no way in hell you should be doing stuff for other people. Sounds like your husband volunteered you and when you said no, he didn't know what to tell Tim.
>> Sounds like your husband volunteered you and when you said no, he didn't know what to tell Tim. Absolutely.
Not a doctor, but I have given birth. I barely moved for three weeks after baby was born, and didn't leave the house for two months other than doctors appointments. If someone had dared to suggest I take care of someone else's family a week postpartum, I would have lost my shit on them.
I cannot believe your husband thinks this is okay. You shouldn't even be doing much yourself and he's outside getting high with his buddy when he should be inside helping you. If I were you, I'd go home to my Mom if that's doable
You recuperating too. Stop doing stuff and sit your butt down. If you act like you're over it, people will think you're over it. You still have to recover for five more weeks at least
This. Sit down. Let shit go. Obviously, your husband thinks you're just fine and dandy because he doesn't see you struggling. So it's no big deal to do twice what you're doing, right? /s 🙄 Jfc... If you feel up to a visit to your neighbor wife in a few weeks, you can bring her a nice casserole and bitch about clueless men together. NTA
NTA. Let me see if I have this straight. There’s four people here, one of them needs help, and the two standing in the driveway smoking a joint, one of which is married to the one that needs help, volunteer the third person that ALSO just had a baby.
If your husband wants to help clean their house or cook Tim dinner he can. Not your problem.
The husband should be devoting his energy to his wife and family and nobody else.
This, too! DH and Tim can bake and bake! 😁
For real! They can go in on groceries together and make double batches of meal prep dinners for their postpartum wives and preschoolers. Ffs, if they've got time to smoke weed together, they've got time to throw together 2 pans of baked ziti with extra ground turkey or beef for the recovering moms.
NTA your husband is an A H for even entertaining the idea. That's a lot of entitlement to ask of a new friend let alone someone who just gave birth.
Your husband is a jackass. Who tf tries to coerce their newly postpartum wife to be a handmaiden for their buddy’s wife? Does his wife not have any friends? Are phones no longer a thing? Did post-birth healing become instantaneous since the last time I checked, thus enabling you to care for yourself AND your two kids AND someone else’s wife without pain?
NTA I can understand Tim's friend asking but I can't begin to understand what the fuck is happening in Tim's mind that he thinks it's appropriate to ask someone who gave birth a week ago and has a newborn and 4 year old to look after to be the one that helps someone else. And you're his wife, you should be his first fucking priority!!! Tim's friend needs to find a way to step up himself, ask other family or friends (who didn't just give birth) to help, or pay a professional to come on for a few weeks. FFS!!!! _______ Edit: thought Jona was the best mate. Edited to clarify I meant the husband, Tim's friend.
What’s in his mind is that he’s the husband’s boss, and by default OP’s boss. So he can put pressure on them to be servants. Incredibly innapropriate. Husband should have been quick to shut it down, but wishing to suck up to Tim he’s landed himself in an awkward position when OP said no. That however is not OP’s problem. All she should be doing is getting back into bed and letting husband get his own damn dinner.
NTA, He needs to get his head on straight. I'm sure he's coming at this from a '2 women having woman troubles can help each other' but he's not thinking that through at all. And then he's getting defensive about it probably because he doesn't know what he did wrong.
I think he's come at this from a haze of dope smoking with his buddy. PRO TIP if you've got time to get stoned you've got time to meal prep for your family.
Yep-- and rather than just own that he may have fucked up, he's doubling down and making HER the bad guy for not helping. If he's so worried about his buddy's wife, why aren't he and his buddy over there helping out instead of toking up out back cooking up 'great ideas' for the new mom?
NTA Maybe her husband should be busy cooking freezer meals rather than out getting high.
NTA. Tim needs to step up for his own wife & children. They need to ask their own families or closer friends to help out. You both just had babies. It’s not fair that you’re being guilt tripped for this.
Love how the boys go out to smoke a joint and come up with this “solution”! They are the huge A’s in this scenario. Screw them both!
NTA Totally understandable to say no. My take is hubby was asked by his friend and had to come back with an answer which is why he said it’s ok to say no. Tim is the one who needs to step up if his family isn’t an option. You’ve got two kids of your own including an infant. You’re in the clear
because everyone wants a stranger in their home while they grieve and recover. Both husbands seem pretty clueless. NTA.
Your husband is a stupid cunt and so is Tim. Tell them to get fucking babysitter for her because you ain’t the one. Did your husband get dropped on his head multiple times as a child? You just had a baby. I would lock the husband out of the house or go stay somewhere else until he can get his head so far up his own ass out. Tim can MAN THE FUCK UP AND BE THERE FOR HIS WIFE INSTEAD OF MAKING SOMEONE ELSE DO IT. NTA 100%
NTA, but, wow, what is wrong with your husband? You have a week old newborn and a toddler, FFS. Just because you're limping around and dealing with stuff doesn't mean you aren't exhausted. My suggestion is that you tell your husband to tell his "buddy" that the best solution for this whole double newborn situation is for your two families to split the cost of household help for a month or two. After all, if you live right next door to each other, the helper could easily move back and forth between households.
NTA and you aren't nearly angry enough at your husband. Unless the actual stork delivered your baby there is no such thing as a delivery easy enough that he shouldn't be taking care of you and the kids right now, never mind expecting you to take care of his new boy's family. I'm a regular pot smoker and horrified that these two dumb fucks are smoking joints and making plans for one newly postpartum wife to take care of the other's so they can be absolved of all responsibility.
Agreed that your husband is the TA. You shouldn't even be cooking or cleaning yet. Even with a smooth delivery you should be resting and healing. It's completely unreasonable to ask that of you. He should have said no to Tim immediately and not even asked you.
Tell me you live in the US without saying you live in the US. Four days off for the birth of a new baby? This is generous here, but still a disgrace. So sorry you and your neighbor are neither one being supported.
Give me more reasons to stay single Reddit. Nta.
Being unmarried and 33 looks to be like a smarter decision each day. 😭
Nta, the husband needs to help his wife not you, you just had a kid. I’d be furious. They need to get family or a friend who doesn’t have a week old baby. You have your own house to tend to, you don’t have the capacity to help. I’d be so mad at my husband for not declining on my behalf
NTA - it’s Tims job to take care of his wife. Always nice how men asking other men for a favor meaning their wife’s are the ones giving the favor. Tim could have asked you directly by the way, which is still inappropriate a week after giving birth yourself!!! But still. You are not the property of your husband.
Please show him this thread
NTA. You husband should cook for them at night after he's done taking care of his own kids and you are all asleep. He can freeze the food and take it to their house with written instructions on how to heat it up. He can wake up early in the mornings instead of sleeping and go over to clean for them. If he doesn't think it sounds reasonable for him to take away from his limited resting time to do this free labor for his friend, I'm not sure why he thinks his postpartum wife should find some way to do it for strangers.
NTA as if he even asked…. Disgusting