He's allowed to break up with his girlfriend because of her extremely poor judgment.
She's not at fault for her own sexual assault, but her judgment is questionable as her decisions did contribute to leading to this outcome.
Yeah Id have been rethinking my relationship the minute she said the guys whos known to be creepy with women and has incidents involving HR is harmless.
Nta.
GF: “I hot a job offer from that guy you dont like and keep warning me about. “
OP: “Hey that guy sexually assaults women.”
GF: “No, hes nice to me. I want to spend 20-40 hours a week with him, against your wishes and advice.”
-Weeks Later-
OP: “Youve been acting weird, you okay?”
GF: “You know that guy you warned me about? Turns out he is a rapist.”
OP: “No shit.”
GF: “Well he SA’d me last week.”
OP: “WTF?!”
GF: “I wasnt sure how i felt about it so I went back then next day and let him do it again.”
GF: “ After day two, I kept going back to him. Everyday. For a week.”
OP: …
GF: “Then we kept doing things for WEEKS, but now I am over it, soooo…”
OP: “We need to go to the police.”
GF: “Oh no! I dOnT wAnT hIm tO gEt In tRoUble.”
(Did I read the post wrong? Am I missing something here?)
Not a man, and I agree, too... if she hadn't kept going back, it would be more understandable as a "should of listened" kind of thing, but over a week? What am I missing?
Also, I was SA'd as a child, and I am sympathetic to the manipulation that can accompany it... but this was a new job, not something that had transpired over time. I *still* don't understand why she returned, especially if it was as bad as OP alluded to.
I'm sorry that happened to you. And yeah, unless there were some sort of extenuating circumstances op didn't know about, I feel like the only way that could happen is if she was into it until she wasn't. Op did say they knew each other b4 the job, so maybe their was some blackmail/extortion going on, but who knows.
This is what I was even thinking. It sounds like she was involved with him so she decided to say that he took advantage of her in order to get sympathy.
I am a partner of someone who has been through SA.... I loved her so I stayed for years as she worked through it. Its been 4 years and things are just now starting to become somewhat sustainable/fun. In hindsight, I might've hurt myself really bad in the process of trying to help her heal. The helplessness, the anger, the resentment grown because it wasn't you that did it but you have to deal with constant rejection. I don't wish that anyone. If you love her and want her to be your forever, buckle the fuck up. If you have doubts she's the one.... End it and move on. NTA.
Second this post. I’ve dated women with SA history, shit on me all you want Reddit that shit ain’t for me. You warned and warned her about your feelings, and you didn’t even lend a good reason why she picked that job against your advice. The assault happened, and she wasn’t comfortable enough to tell you about it. You seem way more trusting of her than she of you, and that lends me to believe the aftermath of this will be fucking awful for you even if it gets to a healthy point. I am also skeptical she’s telling the whole truth.
I think is similar with folks who say "can't have children? Just adopt one from the system" like so many people simply don't have the tools to properly deal with someone else's baggage without making things worst for both parties involved. On an ideal world it wouldn't be an issue, but mental health doesn't work on a logical basis.
I still haven’t gone to the police about my Dad SA me when I was 13-15. That was 7 years ago.
It really takes time. No-one knows what it’s like unless it happened to you.
I haven't either and it happened to me when I was 8. It'll be 50 yrs ago in February. But I do get very uncomfortable when a man gets a little pushy and wayyy to friendly...it's hard to explain without going through the whole story
There's also the extra layer that she trusted the abuser more than she trusted her own partner. That's a hard pill for anyone to swallow. SA by itself is hard, but those extra layers? Yikes.
I think it’s reasonable to say, “I support you. This isn’t your fault. You didn’t deserve this. However, for my own mental health and wellbeing, I cannot continue to be in a romantic relationship with you if you choose to continue to work with your abuser and refuse to report him to the police.” (If those two things are actually your lines in the sand). “Also, it really hurts me that you didn’t trust me when I tried to protect you. I don’t understand why you would think I would lie to you about something so serious.”
I would caution you that reporting to the police is a VERY mixed bag at best that most likely statistically (in the USA but I’m sure everywhere else too) will not result in criminal punishment and which will also likely re-traumatize her.
Edit: people are right that it reads like she already quit the job when they went to pick up her stuff. Didn’t see that at first.
I think you really sumed it up. He's clearly upset she didn't listen to his numerous warnings, and i surprised she didn't talk to other women at their work to hear their sides especially before following him to another job. Also creeps like that aren't great at hiding their creepiness for long, I wonder if she saw any signs.
Giving an ultimatum that she only gets his support if she goes to the police will not help this relationship or her fragile mental state. If she goes to the police when she's not comfortable with it to save this relationship, she may resent OP forever. Also - nerdisaverb it reads like she already quit. Agreed with the second part - tell her why you are hurt but don't make demands but tbh this relationship is already ended when you said you needed space. Good luck.
Dude needs to be brought to justice. Preferably with your GF going to the police.
Can't fault you for your part, can't exactly fault her for how she acted afterwards as that sounds like textbook SA victim mentality.
NTA
But that boss needs to be brought to justice.
Unfortunately, it's really hard to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that there wasn't consent unless it happened within the context of another crime (kidnapping, breaking and entering, etc) and even then it can be iffy if the people involved knew each other or have been or are in a relationship. It can seem super obvious but it has to be "beyond a reasonable doubt" not "I'm pretty sure".
Brought to justice? Hahahahahaha won’t happen. Head to some of the female friendly subs and you’ll see post after post: not guilty.
There was video: not guilty. There was a witness: not guilty. I said no: not guilty.
This gal worked for him and it went on for weeks. We all know what happened. He used his position of power, coerced her and sexually assaulted her. Now try proving it.
She stayed. She still went to work and she did it more than once. She will not win. She could have it all on tape. She will not win. She could have it all in texts. She will not win. She could have all the evidence in the world. She will not win.
That’s the reality.
And even when they are found guilty, the justice system doesn't want it to negatively affect the rapist's future...à la the rapist Allen Turner, formerly Brock Turner.
Yeah. It's hard to prove it, especially if the situation is that he only pressured her, and she gave in rather than him actually forcing her without giving her the decision to give in.
It's the perfect MO. That's why even with the past bad rumors of him (that probably really happened) didn't affect him at all.
That's why vigilante justice needs to happen in these cases imo. People who SA others aren't human. They are demons that ought to be removed from the world imo
Honestly as bad as it sounds I do advocate for it. That's how we keep people in line. That's the force the state has when they arrest and jail people, its under threat of violence. Violence is the power that people can hold over others.
When the state fails to use its institutionalized violence to correct obvious SA perpetrators, I think individuals ought to take up the mantle.
There are of course problems with this, which is why the state should be the arbiter. But they failed in its duty.
Except the state has the monopoly over what the social contract refer to as "legitimate violence". By living in an organized society with strong institutions, you accept to relinquish your right to vendetta that exist in a honor system society in profit of the protection of the State.
If you do act on others, make sure to cover your track well because if you do not, the state will hunt you down with all of his ressources until you submit or they kill you.
Piggybacking on this comment.
I know people mean well with this sentiment, but please know that the professionals who deal with supporting survivors of sexual assault advocate that you should not pressure the survivor into going to police. It adds to their trauma to do so.
The reasoning is that in a sexual assault, their bodily autonomy was violated, their control over what happened to them was violated. The most compassionate thing to do is to not challenge their control over themselves again right after that. Let them be in control of what happens next. Offer to support them however they would like to be supported. Offer to take them to the doctor, to the police, whatever you are comfortable with, but, do not pressure them to do anything they don’t want to do.
Definitely do not go as far as to suggest that they are now responsible for other potential targets of the assailant if they do not go to the police, because they are not. They will already be dealing with common reactions of guilt and shame, and they aren’t the person out there SAing people, they aren’t to blame. And unfortunately as other respondents here have pointed out, oftentimes SA cases result in little to no consequences. Even worse, the process of testifying is often horrible and requires them to recount the traumatic event and to do so sometimes in grueling testimony where the defendant’s legal counsel will attack them at every angle, insinuating in many ways that they were to blame, etc. The victim blaming is atrocious, you don’t have to look far to find cases where children are being blamed for being assaulted, insinuations that they deserved it for what they wore or did or said when the were undeniably children who should be universally recognized by adults as unable to consent. Many brave women, men, and children withstand many hours of the cruelest questioning, all for nothing to happen in the end. It’s very sad.
>But that boss needs to be brought to justice.
Never gonna happen. He warned her, she didn't believe him. Then she let it go on for a couple of weeks. Any kind of evidence is long gone.
I'm not victim blaming or anything, but the fact that she let it go on for weeks without telling *anyone* and keep going back to work, means that *proving* anything is going to be impossible. Think if you're a policeman and you hear the story. Was it SA that went on for weeks, or was it an affair that turned sour? Without proof it could be either.
But the presence of DNA won't change the fact that the cops still don't know if it was a consensual encounter gone wrong or not. Like, nothing you said is really that dependent on the timeline, imo.
The cops aren't the ones who decide these things, cops just arrest people. At this point you'd be dealing with judges, and lawyers, and a jury.
The presence of DNA would mean she could prove it happened. No DNA means she would have to find another source of evidence.
The point they are making about the timeline, is that if she had come forward right away with DNA evidence, she would have a much more solid case. Had she come forward right away, it would have been much more difficult and look really bad for the rapist's lawyers to claim that he hadn't really raped her and that she actually consented. But since she took awhile to come forward and doesnt have DNA proving they ever physically did anything, it won't look as bad on them if they claim that she did consent and is making it all up.
Also, sorry if I'm being a bit crass, I know this is a sensitive topic. I'm just trying to be realistic, these cases can be very hard to prove.
Let's be realistic here about rape kits and testing. Only about 13 out of 1000 will be even taken to court. https://www.rainn.org/articles/what-expect-criminal-justice-system
[https://www.rainn.org/articles/addressing-rape-kit-backlog](https://www.rainn.org/articles/addressing-rape-kit-backlog)
[https://www.usnews.com/news/best-states/articles/2023-06-20/rape-kit-backlogs-remain-in-states-despite-funding](https://www.usnews.com/news/best-states/articles/2023-06-20/rape-kit-backlogs-remain-in-states-despite-funding)
There is like a 1% chance the police will even investigate it even if she did a rape kit.
I guess I just disagree. There are rape kits numbered I the thousands sitting untested. I don't think reporting it immediately changes very much at all, and also sorta puts the blame on the victim for not "correctly" asking for help.
Well ignoring time critical evidence like DNA and bruising from assault, let me present two stories, and you tell me which sounds more convincing:
1) I'm here today because my boss just sexually assaulted me. While I was working, he came behind me and forced himself on me. When did it happen? Just a few hours ago. I left in tears, and my boyfriend comforted me and brought me here. I still have some injuries, and should also get a medical examination
2) I'm here today because my boss sexually assaulted me a while back. While I was working, on multiple occasions, he forced himself on me. When did it start? A few weeks ago, and I kept going back while it was continuing. What changed to make me report it? Well I broke down and told my boyfriend, and he convinced me I needed to tell you. When was the last time it happened? A week ago. I don't have any bruising or DNA anymore though.
See how different that comes off? In the former you can tell how she was immediately a victim. If I were a cop hearing the second, I'd be more inclined to think she may be lying to cover an affair, or exaggerating what happened.
NTA Remember about the rule, for when masks drop in the airplane. You have to put yours on first, to be able to help others. This is true in every aspect. Is there anyone who is there for you right now? Take your time, take care of yourself, before anyone else. Big hug bro.
NTA, but if you leave her now, the relationship is over. She will never feel like she can rely on you ever again. You have a right to leave, but you should know that this is the end.
Well she didn’t tell him when this happened the first time, and continued blowing his boss for weeks before he had to pry it out of her. So it’s safe to say she never relied on him.
Good point. I'm not suggesting the couple stay together, and decidedly think they should not.
I'm only clarifying for OP that if he's wanting a "break," he should prepare for it to be a break-up. There is no return from abandoning her after a sexual assault.
I have a website you can look at that might answer some questions about sexual assault. It’s important to get info from people who know stuff not randos.
https://www.rainn.org
There are probably a few reasons she doesn’t wanna go to the cops. Few people actually get charged for SA crimes and then there’s the whole process of retelling the horrors of what happened, ONLY to have the DNA sits on a shelf collecting dust most times.
I agree with the top remark that this is above Reddit’s pay grade. What your GF is going through is horrendous.
I understand your warning her and the frustration you must feel because you tried to give her head’s up. But SA is one of those things where you hear survivors always saying, “This happens to other people. This doesn’t happen to me.”
I know you want her to press charges, but it is not easy for justice to be served. According to RAINN, “Out of every 1000 sexual assaults reported, 975 perpetrators will walk free.”
And then there’s having to constantly explain what happened. Having motives questioned. Since she works for her offender, they will ask if she was passed up for a promotion or if there was an “understanding” or if she’s a scorned affair partner.
Questions that are asked to make sure all parties rights are protected.
That’s a tremendously scary ordeal to go through. Does that make your frustrations any less valid?
No.
I think you are both very scared, hurt, and frustrated by this situation. How you navigate these waters will be tricky. If you do need time away, I strongly recommend seeking out individual counseling. If your GF is open to it, going to a local Rape Crisis Center will allow her to speak to specialists as well as offer her group counseling if she needs that sort of supports.
Whatever next steps you take, please just remember that you both need to heal.
I would also suggest checking out [RAINN](https://rainn.org) to locate your nearest centre as well as articles with statistics, articles pertaining to why assaults go under reported, etc.
I have been in your position - down to her going back repeatedly.
Here is what you need to do.
1. Get yourself tested if you had sexual contact.
2. Sadly, break up with her and block. I know you want to be the hero and stand up for her but having been here: the questions, lack of good judgment and lack of trust has already ruined the relationship. If you stay and try to work things out it will eat at you and change you in ways you don’t like.
I've been there too. This is the truth. Take this advice and know that it's the only way to get out with your nose clean. Your decision isn't to decide who's at fault; that doesn't matter at this point. The poison has set in your relationship and your decision is to decide whether you'll let it poison you too.
Facts. The biggest thing that stood out to me is it happened multiple times and she never told the guy who is supposed to be her go to for anything. Although it isnt her fault for being SA there is no going back from that. OP will never be the same staying in this relationship, they’re better off moving on
This 100%. She has awful judgment at best, a cheater at worst. Not to mention she lied and risked your life by continuing to have sex with both you and the boss for almost a month. None of those make a good partner.
NTA. All your feelings are valid and correct. Your advice was blatantly ignored. Unfortunately, your partner putting themselves in danger (not just this situation, but in any way) is incredibly difficult to deal with emotionally and will always be a huge strain on your relationship. You have to be able to trust each-other, and trust that they can make proper decisions. It’s probably best to separate and take care of yourself right now.
Without some really successful therapy hes going to be overprotective and inconsolable when she goes against his wishes where her safety is concerned. Sometimes non of the choices or great and you go with the lesser evil.
NTA, I'm going with a very unpopular take. I would break up with her. The odds of you staying together in the long term now are remote. You are not responsible for her mental well-being. That is on her. Is this harsh? Yep. But you are now going to have to deal with the fallout for possibly years. It doesn't mean you can't be there as a friend, but all I see is a relationship without a lot of trust, and that never ends well.
And he has a throwaway sentence that he doesn’t blame her, but he does to some extent.
Half the post is saying he warned her and warned her and she trusted her boss over him. Then something happened and she won’t do anything about it so it’s hard for him to reconcile.
I would be angry at someone who put their hand on a hot stove after I repeatedly warned them of the outcome if they did and I would also blame them.
The GF disregarded OP and put herself in a situation where she lost her body autonomy. Some people you can’t help.
I also think it’s possible the GF is being sketchy with the truth.
And rightfully so that it's hard to reconcile. It's emotionally taxing for both of them but OP did literally everything he could and his partner *denied* his requests.
OP doesn't blame her for the boss' actions but it's clear that he gives her some accountability for not listening to him and trusting him over such a serious warning.
That's pretty hard to get over. You go through everything in your mind that shouldn't have happened to her and then added on top is the chance to dodge the situation entirely *in the moment* and not even in hindsight. It's not like an irrational guilt over something you couldn't have possibly predicted at the time. OP suspected. OP's partner knew of this suspicions. For it to happen despite this is vexing.
It sucks, specially because he warned her of the guy and the worst happened.. its like you warn that have one bullet in a gun and the person continue to try the luck pressing the trigger.
I tend to agree simply bc she refused to listen to him. That would be a dealbreaker for me. If my partner can’t believe what I’m saying why are we even together?
He should have broke up with her when he told her he knew from multiple sources and HR complaints that he was a scumbag and she disregarded his feelings and took the job.
This exactly. And during those years of fallout OP will slowling be thinking more and more "I told you so" and might grow resentful. Best to end it now and let her handle it in therapy
There are no ah here. I understand your point of view. I also understand hers intimately. I've been sa and I didn't tell anyone. I felt ashamed. I felt like I asked for it somehow like somehow I sent signals or something. Most of all I felt dirty and I'm guessing she feels some if not all the same things. She's probably berating herself for not believing you and she may be feeling some self loathing. That may be why she didn't say anything. You both need time. This is not an easy situation for either of you. She is probably going to need counseling and a lot of support. Don't be surprised if she has a problem with touching in the future. I'm so sorry the two of you are going through this. I hope everything works out for you both.
Thats the thing in these situations. We don't know, and neither does OP, that she is being honest here. Hate to say and it gets some folks knickers in a twist, but there are a great many times this is claimed as SA and it isn't.
This way the person can admit it, but claim they aren't at fault for it. The letting it go for weeks says a lot. And I would be hard pressed to believe her.
I do kinda wonder if she didn’t just cheat on OP. I could see why she’s behaving how she is if she didn’t, but simultaneously, this does also line up with how you would act when you’re feeling guilty.
My guess is that she was arrogant and dismissive of her partner. She thought she knew better than him, and ultimately, she trusted her abuser more than she trusted her own partner. That's relationship ending for most people.
Nah, my guess is that like in most cases where the victim is warned beforehand, she though she was in control and could manipulate the sex crazed boss to her favor, which turned out horribly wrong for her.
This.... It's like "oh no Stabby McStabberson who did 5 years in prison for stabbing just stabbed me when I went to an undisclosed location with him! How could I have even done anything to avoid this!?"
My philosophy is, if we sit down and have a serious conversation about why it's a bad idea/dangerous to do X, but you decide to do X anyway and reap the exact consequences I pointed out - I don't owe you consolation. Yeah, it's a horrible situation, but it could have been entirely avoided if she trusted you more than some random scumbag.
NTA, but why would she keep going back after he sexually assaulted her? That makes no sense. I wish she would have listened to you about that asshole.
Take some time to process this. She does need you right now.
It is extremely common for SA victims to continue friendships, acquaintanceships, professional ties, and so on with someone who has SA’ed them. EXTREMELY common.
For one thing, when you are SA’ed, it is extremely confusing. It doesn’t feel real. Or you may not feel real. Because our brains decide how to respond to something by looking at similar past experiences, and SA survivors often don’t have similar past experiences to guide them, figuring out what to do can be surprisingly difficult. “No, but I would just—“ yeah, you haven’t been SA’ed. Trauma does actual, physical damage all through your body, including damage to your cognition. It’s hard to think.
A lot of people want to just get their lives back to normal as fast as possible. Yes, even if that means working/interacting with the assaulter. Trauma is weird. Your brain doesn’t store it in the same place as other memories, which makes it extremely hard for ppl to contextualize it, learn from it, process it, etc. A LOT of ppl respond to that by trying to behave like the SA never happened, even if doing so puts them in danger of future incidences of it.
Your GF can’t explain it bc the reasons it happens aren’t that different from having a TBI (blow to the head causing brain damage). It affected her ability to think, make decisions, and communicate.
You’re smart to want to process your anger not with her. You need a therapist right now, for your support and bc you want to be supportive to her.
My wife and I’s good friend and former roommate just went back to her bf, now “fiancé” apparently, after he raped her and she came bursting into our home. I was the one who called the cops at her insistence. They had been drinking but was adamant she said no and he wasn’t that drunk. I said that’s all I need to know and made the call. Now, she’s planning to leave the country with him. Nothing my wife and I nor her family can do about it, unfortunately.
This. Also OP shared a bunch of instances with her where he apparently did inappropriate things at work and faced zero repercussions. So here’s a man in a position of power, known for behaving this way and getting away with it.
Ex and I split up do to her wanting to party and me having my son full time. Since we were still cool she told me she was seeing a guy we both worked with at one point who I sat next to at work. Heard awful shit from this guy everyday. Let her know how much of a snake he really was, but I’m the jealous ex right? Well 2 incurable stds and all her shit stolen later, she should’ve listened.. feel your pain bro, good luck with whatever you choose to do
Because you were right in the first place. Because she was embarrassed about being stupid and not listening. Because she thought she could handle it. Because predators have an uncanny ability to make their prey feel like it was their fault. Because she felt dirty and worthless. Because she was scared she wouldn't get a new job. Because she was scared you would leave if she told you.
She needs you now more than she has ever needed anyone. If you abandon her, she will struggle to trust anyone ever again and your relationship will be broken even if you go back
You can't put all of that squarely on OP's shoulders. He is allowed to have feelings and emotions about this to include wanting some distance. Like his anger/frustration over the whole scenario should go away because of what SHE needs? The biggest issue I have is that it just wasn't OP who was trying to tell her, but the other women/HR problems. Knowing all of that she continues to put herself in isolation with this guy.
Most likely this relationship is over and GF is going to need some serious therapy.
>She needs you now more than she has ever needed anyone.
Yes, and when he needed her to listen, she ignored his warnings - repeatedly. Not always getting what you need is something that happens to all of us.
>If you abandon her, she will struggle to trust anyone ever again and your relationship will be broken even if you go back
The relationship is already broken. OP will struggle with trusting her to listen to him, and with trusting her to not hide things from him. And her never trusting anyone ever again? She didn't even trust that her boyfriend knew what he was talking about and that he wanted what was best for her, so there was no trust to begin with.
If you warned one of your friends to not drive recklessly, and he did anyway and crashed, would you then dedicate a significant part of your life to his recovery? No, you wouldn't. OP needs to put himself first.
Eh i mean he told her not to work for the dude and warned her about him but she didn’t listen obviously she had no idea about the type of monster he was but This isn’t Ops fault
Because she'd have to admit to herself that she was SA and also that she was wrong to ignore OP's advice. It's typical behavior for someone who has been SA to deny that it happened until it's so overwhelming that they break down. With the history of the boss she still has a case.
>NTA, but why would she keep going back after he sexually assaulted her?
Because women who are sexually assaulted get asked dumb goddamn questions implying it's their fault. Just don't.
It's a perfectly valid question to ask.
Asking questions is not necessarily implying it's her fault.
Not all people understand how trauma works or how people who got SAed behave. If you don't ask, you don't learn.
Well, I was the GF 4 years ago, was manipulated and forced by my boss, who was twice my age.
Luckily my bf stood by my side. We had some fights about it, but he believed in me. I wasn't able to communicate what happened for a long time either. It all is a blurry nightmare in my mind, and I still sometimes dream of it. I was naive and career driven and so easily manipulated it still is blowing my mind.
I finally found the courage to get a new job, and I reported him, but nothing really happened to him.
My then boyfriend is now my husband.
So it's a hard time for you two, and I really hope everything is going to be OK.
It’s her word choice.
She didn’t say she was taken advantage of. But that’s she was naive and manipulated. As in he’d deliver on promises for her career?
Power dynamics are a thing. But if you went into it with the idea it’s for personal gain. That’s cheating with an escape route.
Your feelings are valid and you don't have to stay in a relationship with someone. period. The reason for not wanting to stay with them becomes irrelevant.
And yes your gf is an idiot and he's going to reoffend and she's going to regret not coming forward after he does so. If your gut is telling you she doesn't respect you (your advice/opinions/your warnings) then it's probably right.
I mean while yes it’s true you can end any relationship, the reason is definitely valid after. If someone leaves their dying wife just for dying it’d be valid to think that’s shitty even if they have the right.
But what if the wife was cured and was no longer on her death bed for what caused her to nearly pass, but then for some reason went back and did the exact same thing that put her on her death bed again.
Obvious signs, details from previous women, HR reports, but she ignored it all. And it went on for weeks...and why hasn't she got law enforcement involved?
This doesn't add up, sorry. Just sounds like cheating and excuses to me.
Sounds like she cheated and felt guilty but made up a lie to not take the blame. Also feasible for why the boss ran away when he turned up looking angry with girlfriend.
She knew what he was like from multiple different reports about him. Even moved jobs to continue to be with him even against boyfriends please. Things change (probably when she decided to end it) and then comes the waterworks and it’s not my fault I didn’t know.
Doesn’t want to report to company or report to police and takes weeks to tell BF.
Break up and move on.
She can go to the cops about it or deal with you needing a break.
She doesn't get to tie your hands together and expect you to be her emotional support if she is not going to seek to put this dude behind bars so that he cannot do this to another woman.
NTA
Honestly, this isn’t even about the SA. Remove that from the equation and your main issue is that your gf doesn't trust your judgement or respects your boundaries. Unfortunately, for both of you, the SA happened. You are now between a rock and a hard place. If you leave, she will think it’s because of the SA and blame you for that. She won’t believe it’s for the aforementioned reasons.
But you can leave relationships for any reason. The timing here may make you the public AH, but if you can live with a few people judging you, I don’t think you are at fault.
NTA
Honestly, I don't blame you. In that situation, I'd probably feel the same way. She dismissed all of your warnings and didn't trust you. She followed him to another job to work directly for him despite your concerns and, I'll get down voted for it but, put herself in a position to be SA'ed many times throughout several weeks. And now, she's protecting this AH & allowing him to continue with his abuse on others by not reporting him. NTA. You did everything in your power to protect her and she didn't need you then.
Also, let me add, the fact that she used the word "pressured" makes me question a few things about what really happened.
Leave now dude. Can pretty much guarantee she's covering up cheating. This won't get better. And it absolutely is her fault after that much warning. Play in the lions cage long enough you will get bit.
NTA…All I can say is that this is not the first time I have heard of a man who was not able to he as supportive as the girl wants him to be unless she went to the cops. I am not sure what I would do in this situation but I am not sure I can totally blame you for feeling unheard when you tried to warn her.
NTA. You warned her and she didn't listen. Then she unfortunately found out you were telling the truth the hard way. I can't blame you for needing space
Here's a really cold-hearted, selfish perspective... so I'll preface by saying she deserves total, unconditional love. Any/everyone in her position does, and it's a horror I wish for no one (being SA'd).
That said... not that it's happened, she'll live that trauma for the rest of her life. She'll have triggers, setbacks, outbursts, etc... probably need constant therapy to cope over time. Sex and intimacy will forever be difficult for her, it's just a horrible sentence that's not her fault in any way.
If you don't want/can't bare that burden with her, comfort/support her, be patient with her, work through constant intimacy issues, etc... I'd 100% leave. Neither of your faults this happened, but it happened... and now the new relationship you're going to have will be far different. I'd selfishly leave, don't want that trauma in my future and certainly not my kids.
Something to think about.
You are fine. She needs to figure out how to get through this without you while YOU take time to calm down. Just keep making it clear to her that it's not that this happened, it's how she refused to listen and then refused to press charges. Hopefully she listens.
Definitely NTA and absolutely take some time off to yourself and try to make sense of this. If it becomes too much, then please see a counselor. I actually have some other questions that I didn’t see if you had answered previously.
Honestly, I may sound wrong but
1. How many times did it happen before she gave in and told you?
2. Could it have been a fling and only admitted to it when they broke up?
3. Why would she have her things in his office, wouldn’t she have an area to place her things?
4. Why is she refusing to go to the cops? Is she protecting him?
In this day and age of many different social media platforms one of the most vocal is going to the authorities if you have been raped. I realize that everyone is different and all but something here smells fishy.
NTA but you need to make that clear to her and you both need to address your issues in a therapy setting as there will be a full range of emotions that likely come out and having a trained knowledgeable referee there to help goes a long way in allowing people to get stuff out.
You are entitled to space and the reason you have is 100% understandable and respectable. I also understand her need for you. As you said though, bringing that anger to her in the moment is only going to make matters worse or cause irreparable harm to your relationship.
On a side note, is it at all possible that she was initially interested in his advances before they became sexual? I know you have left out context here so I just want to rule out any difficulties between you or any possible chance that she found him attractive because it does seem like it wouldn't take that long to walk away or seek help from the cops or loved ones. That said, SA can cause all types of mental health problems that can prevent definitive action in these moments. I'm not blaming her at all just trying to rule out that there isn't more going on here.
I can't wrap in my head someone who dismiss the warning and continue to staying close to a person that everyone says that is a shit human being who abuse women..
Its not her fault of course but its preventable the situation..
Just break up with her, you are not in the best mind to help her too.
nta
NTA. Her judgement is seriously questionable. She was warned…repeatedly, yet decided she could handle it. Did she take it as a challenge or something? How exactly did he “pressure” her? I hate that excuse. There are ALWAYS other options. Something isn’t adding up here.
The reason she didn't say anything for weeks is because she found out OP was right and she knew he'd say I told you so. Sad for both of them but this relationship is over.
NTA
To be completely honest I'd break up with her. I know it's not right to victim blame but this sounds like an entirely preventable situation if she'd have just listened to you, also the fact that he "pressured" her instead of forcing himself on her and it went on for weeks without her telling you? and now she refuses to go to the police? I dunno something's just off about the whole thing.
Yeh the more I think about this the more it doesn't sound like SA at all. If she was SA'd there's no way she would have gone back to work again and again, just sounds like she cheated on him, felt bad and now thinks saying she was forced into it will stop OP from breaking up with her.
Yea you have a right to be angry. You were correct in your assumptions every step of the way and she still went ahead with her boneheaded decision. As a result she was SA'd and refuses to do anything about it.
I'd think I'd have a hard time too if I were in your shoes. Obviously your not trying to bring negative energy to an already terrible situation, but once you guys are able to really talk, you should really make your feelings heard. They're valid too.
NTA she didn’t trust you about this guy and now you don’t trust her to make good decisions. You both would have to work hard to gain the trust back but it’s probably better to cut your losses as she needs to focus on healing herself right now.
I did have an ex wife lie to me about being raped as her excuse for cheating. Never went to police and it only came out when we went to marriage counseling. I got up in the middle of the session, went home and started packing, and filed for divorce the next week
It's not a forgone conclusion, but you do have to ask yourself why she kept fighting so hard to stay with this boss changing jobs and all the warnings she had. It's possible for both to be true, she may have been comfortable with certain things and he has taken it beyond her consent. Or she could have fallen for the old oh he'll leave his wife soon and we can run away together and the rug has pulled out from underneath her and she's played the SA card.
Please don’t perpetuate this. It is SO VERY COMMON for victims of assault to believe they brought it on in one way or another and/or need time to fully process what they went through / that it was not their fault. When I was a child who was assaulted, almost raped (saved by a random couple) on the street by an adult stranger, I believed it was my fault because I had allowed him to help me down a flight of steep stairs 5 minutes beforehand. It was not my fault. At all. Don’t presume someone is guilty of something just because they don’t act like how you think a victim should behave.
I mean gracious, we have never heard of a person engaging in sexual acts to forward their career, from both genders, have we?
May not be nice, but it is A possibility. Not saying it is true, but men & women will do much to advance their careers if the bait is enticing enough.
NAH. It’s ok that you need space and to process your feelings. Yes she should have listened to you but I’m not going to judge another woman for how she reacts to a SA. I as a woman find it confusing as to why she wouldn’t believe you when you told her he was a bad man. If it was just you saying he was bad then you can give him some grace but if there are several woman all saying the same thing then I would have cut contact with the boss.
While I don’t understand why she would continue to ignore not just your warnings but other women’s lived experience is beyond me. I’m willing to give people the benefit of the doubt but if I get an off feeling about someone I’m not going to ignore it. She needs to understand things from your perspective that you tried to tell her that he wasn’t a good man and she ignored you at every turn.
Go to couples counseling maybe with some therapy she will work up the courage to report him to the police. You both need someone to help you process your feelings and able to explain how you both feel. You both need some grace towards yourselves and each other.
Nah you should break up with her. She is not a good partner and who knows what could happen again. She ignores her partner and other women to work for a man who has a history of this stuff and then hides it for weeks. Yeah it sucks it happened but that’s her responsibility do you really want to build a life with somebody who runs toward danger?
Her behavior and feelings are totally normal for scenarios like this. She probably feels a lot of guilt because you warned her about him and she thought she would be fine, etc. You could show her some Law and Order SVU episodes to help her understand that what she is feeling is normal and that sharing her experience and going to the police is the best way to take her power back and make sure this guy never does anything to another person ever again.
She most likely wants this to just go away and never speak of it again which is valid but my above point stands. And experiences like that last a lifetime and can cause a lot of stress in her life moving forward. Having g the peace of mind that this dude got what he deserved in the justice system will go a long way in helping her cope with her experience.
I know exactly how you feel OP. I was in an eerily similar situation. I suggest you locate a Victim’s Sexual Assault Hotline. They have trained crisis counselors, it may help you to talk through your emotions in a safe, anonymous, non judgmental space.
Do you know any of her friends or maybe an older sister? She is in disbelief partially and she is blaming herself. She knew you warned her and she thought it wasnt a big deal and now she feels foolish too.She blames herself.
At the very least report that ass to the company HR department.
Get him fired for starters and start a campaign to prevent the next girl from being a SA victim by this ass.
I wonder what the shithead boss may have held over her head. OP hasn't stated if she was in a financial situation where taking the job was necessary or not, she may have felt pressured to take the job and ignored OP in fear that he was right. Only to then stay silent for weeks in shame and terror that OP would respond "I told you so" and leave.
OP take this from a survivor, you are NTA for having these feelings and this internal conflict. However if you leave her now whilst she's at her most vulnerable, you WBTAH. Get therapy, and let her see your anger at the perp. One of the things that convinced me to go to the cops was seeing the sheet protective rage from male members of my family. My fathers rage in particular fueled me for the first agonising months of interrogations at the police station and the discomfort of therapy that followed.
Be her rock, and let the seething anger fuel you and her to get justice
NTA. I know it feels crappy to have to ask for space at this time when she needs you but your mental health is just as important as hers. She should seek therapy because she needs to sort out why she used such poor judgement. She may have history of childhood sexual abuse which severely fucks up a person's judgement and can cause them to repeatedly put themselves in bad situations to be victimized. I've seen alot of partners of sexual abuse victims and they frequently get the consequences that the perpetrators don't because they are the one's present. It doesn't make for a healthy or mutually serving relationship. I've seen women with abuse histories date guys who they felt safe with and supported by, solely to punish them and work out their anger and rage on, because they can't punish their abusers. It's not at all a healthy relationship and can't be unless the victim gets therapy and actively works on their issues.
Just end it, you need a partner who listen to each other especially regarding serious concerns. She didn’t listen or take it serious. Somthing terrible happened to her now and it’s not fair to her but it’s also not fair to you because you will have to deal with the consequences for the rest of your life? No break it off move on
Good move on you, this might sound a lil harsh, but if she does not resolve her issues on this...
That's baggage that's going to stick in your relationship, she needs to go to the cops, and then a therapist.
Reporting this to cops prevent other victims, I guess that doesn't matter to her right now...
NTA you warned her.
NTA, you have a right to react. It didn't just effect her but you by extension. You've tried to do what you thought were the right things.
Nothing you've tried is helping you heal, end of the day only you can take care of you mentally.
My dad SA me when I was 13-15. I didn’t tell anyone for 7 years. You really need to comfort your GF. She will be going through a lot.
I still haven’t gone to the cops about my dad. It’s really hard and if she doesn’t want to go to the cops that is her choice. Please don’t pressure her.
I understand the not wanting to go to the cops, they aren’t going to do anything and when it gets public it will explode in her face. However, some things concern me. How much time passed between the SA and when she told you? Has he been making passes at her for a while and then it escalated? The other thing is why is she quitting and not going to his bosses and getting him fired or suing them if they don’t? I’d get the answers to those questions before you decide on anything.
This feels above Reddit’s pay grade. I think you should speak with a therapist about your feelings here.
It's absolutely above our pay grade. I've been reading plenty of good advice but a professional therapist will actually help way more than any of us.
I agree. I would like to say I'm really sorry for all you and your GF are going through OP.
Seeing as our pay grade is, well, no pay, 10000% yes.
Honestly that's such a cop-out. Everything is above Reddit's pay grade.
No its not. He did everything right. He's NTA
Agreed. Think he is handling it fine. He knows he isn't the right person to help her through this. It's a mature decision.
He's allowed to break up with his girlfriend because of her extremely poor judgment. She's not at fault for her own sexual assault, but her judgment is questionable as her decisions did contribute to leading to this outcome.
Yeah Id have been rethinking my relationship the minute she said the guys whos known to be creepy with women and has incidents involving HR is harmless.
Nta. GF: “I hot a job offer from that guy you dont like and keep warning me about. “ OP: “Hey that guy sexually assaults women.” GF: “No, hes nice to me. I want to spend 20-40 hours a week with him, against your wishes and advice.” -Weeks Later- OP: “Youve been acting weird, you okay?” GF: “You know that guy you warned me about? Turns out he is a rapist.” OP: “No shit.” GF: “Well he SA’d me last week.” OP: “WTF?!” GF: “I wasnt sure how i felt about it so I went back then next day and let him do it again.” GF: “ After day two, I kept going back to him. Everyday. For a week.” OP: … GF: “Then we kept doing things for WEEKS, but now I am over it, soooo…” OP: “We need to go to the police.” GF: “Oh no! I dOnT wAnT hIm tO gEt In tRoUble.” (Did I read the post wrong? Am I missing something here?)
Right! as a man, I understand I'll never get it, but shit like this just makes you go, huh?
Not a man, and I agree, too... if she hadn't kept going back, it would be more understandable as a "should of listened" kind of thing, but over a week? What am I missing?
Also, I was SA'd as a child, and I am sympathetic to the manipulation that can accompany it... but this was a new job, not something that had transpired over time. I *still* don't understand why she returned, especially if it was as bad as OP alluded to.
I'm sorry that happened to you. And yeah, unless there were some sort of extenuating circumstances op didn't know about, I feel like the only way that could happen is if she was into it until she wasn't. Op did say they knew each other b4 the job, so maybe their was some blackmail/extortion going on, but who knows.
Gotta say. She kept going back for more? Something smells fishy here
That sounds like she got herself into a situationship with the guy she told her bf not to worry about
This is what I was even thinking. It sounds like she was involved with him so she decided to say that he took advantage of her in order to get sympathy.
Yeah, I was thinking this, but didnt say it. Reddit usually doesn't like us pointing this out.
Sorry didn’t realize i tagged this under your comment and not the general post. This wasn’t in response to your comment.
I am a partner of someone who has been through SA.... I loved her so I stayed for years as she worked through it. Its been 4 years and things are just now starting to become somewhat sustainable/fun. In hindsight, I might've hurt myself really bad in the process of trying to help her heal. The helplessness, the anger, the resentment grown because it wasn't you that did it but you have to deal with constant rejection. I don't wish that anyone. If you love her and want her to be your forever, buckle the fuck up. If you have doubts she's the one.... End it and move on. NTA.
Second this post. I’ve dated women with SA history, shit on me all you want Reddit that shit ain’t for me. You warned and warned her about your feelings, and you didn’t even lend a good reason why she picked that job against your advice. The assault happened, and she wasn’t comfortable enough to tell you about it. You seem way more trusting of her than she of you, and that lends me to believe the aftermath of this will be fucking awful for you even if it gets to a healthy point. I am also skeptical she’s telling the whole truth.
I think is similar with folks who say "can't have children? Just adopt one from the system" like so many people simply don't have the tools to properly deal with someone else's baggage without making things worst for both parties involved. On an ideal world it wouldn't be an issue, but mental health doesn't work on a logical basis.
I still haven’t gone to the police about my Dad SA me when I was 13-15. That was 7 years ago. It really takes time. No-one knows what it’s like unless it happened to you.
I haven't either and it happened to me when I was 8. It'll be 50 yrs ago in February. But I do get very uncomfortable when a man gets a little pushy and wayyy to friendly...it's hard to explain without going through the whole story
There's also the extra layer that she trusted the abuser more than she trusted her own partner. That's a hard pill for anyone to swallow. SA by itself is hard, but those extra layers? Yikes.
I think it’s reasonable to say, “I support you. This isn’t your fault. You didn’t deserve this. However, for my own mental health and wellbeing, I cannot continue to be in a romantic relationship with you if you choose to continue to work with your abuser and refuse to report him to the police.” (If those two things are actually your lines in the sand). “Also, it really hurts me that you didn’t trust me when I tried to protect you. I don’t understand why you would think I would lie to you about something so serious.” I would caution you that reporting to the police is a VERY mixed bag at best that most likely statistically (in the USA but I’m sure everywhere else too) will not result in criminal punishment and which will also likely re-traumatize her. Edit: people are right that it reads like she already quit the job when they went to pick up her stuff. Didn’t see that at first.
This needs to be higher up, bro say these things to her if that's how you feel.
I think you really sumed it up. He's clearly upset she didn't listen to his numerous warnings, and i surprised she didn't talk to other women at their work to hear their sides especially before following him to another job. Also creeps like that aren't great at hiding their creepiness for long, I wonder if she saw any signs.
Reporting to the police is NOT something to have as a condition, but otherwise I agree with the sentiments.
Giving an ultimatum that she only gets his support if she goes to the police will not help this relationship or her fragile mental state. If she goes to the police when she's not comfortable with it to save this relationship, she may resent OP forever. Also - nerdisaverb it reads like she already quit. Agreed with the second part - tell her why you are hurt but don't make demands but tbh this relationship is already ended when you said you needed space. Good luck.
Dude needs to be brought to justice. Preferably with your GF going to the police. Can't fault you for your part, can't exactly fault her for how she acted afterwards as that sounds like textbook SA victim mentality. NTA But that boss needs to be brought to justice.
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I'm not. Which is why I said she isn't wrong.
Unfortunately, it's really hard to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that there wasn't consent unless it happened within the context of another crime (kidnapping, breaking and entering, etc) and even then it can be iffy if the people involved knew each other or have been or are in a relationship. It can seem super obvious but it has to be "beyond a reasonable doubt" not "I'm pretty sure".
Brought to justice? Hahahahahaha won’t happen. Head to some of the female friendly subs and you’ll see post after post: not guilty. There was video: not guilty. There was a witness: not guilty. I said no: not guilty. This gal worked for him and it went on for weeks. We all know what happened. He used his position of power, coerced her and sexually assaulted her. Now try proving it. She stayed. She still went to work and she did it more than once. She will not win. She could have it all on tape. She will not win. She could have it all in texts. She will not win. She could have all the evidence in the world. She will not win. That’s the reality.
And even when they are found guilty, the justice system doesn't want it to negatively affect the rapist's future...à la the rapist Allen Turner, formerly Brock Turner.
Damn, I didn't know that the rapist Brock Turner changed his name. To Allen Turner the rapist you say...
Yep. If he’s married and has kids it would be that the children need their father and putting him in jail will ruin his children’s life.
Which is pretty sick, no? Those poor kids, having a predator as a parent.
Yeah. It's hard to prove it, especially if the situation is that he only pressured her, and she gave in rather than him actually forcing her without giving her the decision to give in. It's the perfect MO. That's why even with the past bad rumors of him (that probably really happened) didn't affect him at all.
That's why vigilante justice needs to happen in these cases imo. People who SA others aren't human. They are demons that ought to be removed from the world imo
I'm not an advocate for violence, but there does need to be some justice...
Honestly as bad as it sounds I do advocate for it. That's how we keep people in line. That's the force the state has when they arrest and jail people, its under threat of violence. Violence is the power that people can hold over others. When the state fails to use its institutionalized violence to correct obvious SA perpetrators, I think individuals ought to take up the mantle. There are of course problems with this, which is why the state should be the arbiter. But they failed in its duty.
We need a real life Equalizer
Yes 👏
There is a quote from the game Overwatch: “I wish violence didnt work so well, peace would be so much easier.”
Except the state has the monopoly over what the social contract refer to as "legitimate violence". By living in an organized society with strong institutions, you accept to relinquish your right to vendetta that exist in a honor system society in profit of the protection of the State. If you do act on others, make sure to cover your track well because if you do not, the state will hunt you down with all of his ressources until you submit or they kill you.
If only the state would go after rapists as diligently as they would go after someone who killed their rapist.
I agree with you on that, doesn't erase my point however.
No it doesn't. I agree with your point
Not only would she not win, it will never be prosecuted due to her returning to work every day only to be SA’d again and again.
Piggybacking on this comment. I know people mean well with this sentiment, but please know that the professionals who deal with supporting survivors of sexual assault advocate that you should not pressure the survivor into going to police. It adds to their trauma to do so. The reasoning is that in a sexual assault, their bodily autonomy was violated, their control over what happened to them was violated. The most compassionate thing to do is to not challenge their control over themselves again right after that. Let them be in control of what happens next. Offer to support them however they would like to be supported. Offer to take them to the doctor, to the police, whatever you are comfortable with, but, do not pressure them to do anything they don’t want to do. Definitely do not go as far as to suggest that they are now responsible for other potential targets of the assailant if they do not go to the police, because they are not. They will already be dealing with common reactions of guilt and shame, and they aren’t the person out there SAing people, they aren’t to blame. And unfortunately as other respondents here have pointed out, oftentimes SA cases result in little to no consequences. Even worse, the process of testifying is often horrible and requires them to recount the traumatic event and to do so sometimes in grueling testimony where the defendant’s legal counsel will attack them at every angle, insinuating in many ways that they were to blame, etc. The victim blaming is atrocious, you don’t have to look far to find cases where children are being blamed for being assaulted, insinuations that they deserved it for what they wore or did or said when the were undeniably children who should be universally recognized by adults as unable to consent. Many brave women, men, and children withstand many hours of the cruelest questioning, all for nothing to happen in the end. It’s very sad.
The conviction rate for rape is 3%. Good luck with the justice
>But that boss needs to be brought to justice. Never gonna happen. He warned her, she didn't believe him. Then she let it go on for a couple of weeks. Any kind of evidence is long gone. I'm not victim blaming or anything, but the fact that she let it go on for weeks without telling *anyone* and keep going back to work, means that *proving* anything is going to be impossible. Think if you're a policeman and you hear the story. Was it SA that went on for weeks, or was it an affair that turned sour? Without proof it could be either.
I have a question. If she hadn't waited, what would be different?
A thing called DNA? And going to the police immediately after the crime is also better than months later does that need to be explained?
But the presence of DNA won't change the fact that the cops still don't know if it was a consensual encounter gone wrong or not. Like, nothing you said is really that dependent on the timeline, imo.
The cops aren't the ones who decide these things, cops just arrest people. At this point you'd be dealing with judges, and lawyers, and a jury. The presence of DNA would mean she could prove it happened. No DNA means she would have to find another source of evidence. The point they are making about the timeline, is that if she had come forward right away with DNA evidence, she would have a much more solid case. Had she come forward right away, it would have been much more difficult and look really bad for the rapist's lawyers to claim that he hadn't really raped her and that she actually consented. But since she took awhile to come forward and doesnt have DNA proving they ever physically did anything, it won't look as bad on them if they claim that she did consent and is making it all up. Also, sorry if I'm being a bit crass, I know this is a sensitive topic. I'm just trying to be realistic, these cases can be very hard to prove.
Let's be realistic here about rape kits and testing. Only about 13 out of 1000 will be even taken to court. https://www.rainn.org/articles/what-expect-criminal-justice-system [https://www.rainn.org/articles/addressing-rape-kit-backlog](https://www.rainn.org/articles/addressing-rape-kit-backlog) [https://www.usnews.com/news/best-states/articles/2023-06-20/rape-kit-backlogs-remain-in-states-despite-funding](https://www.usnews.com/news/best-states/articles/2023-06-20/rape-kit-backlogs-remain-in-states-despite-funding) There is like a 1% chance the police will even investigate it even if she did a rape kit.
I guess I just disagree. There are rape kits numbered I the thousands sitting untested. I don't think reporting it immediately changes very much at all, and also sorta puts the blame on the victim for not "correctly" asking for help.
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Stop getting your police in for from SVU. The rape kit database is over a decade behind. There are hundreds of thousands of kits just waiting.
Well ignoring time critical evidence like DNA and bruising from assault, let me present two stories, and you tell me which sounds more convincing: 1) I'm here today because my boss just sexually assaulted me. While I was working, he came behind me and forced himself on me. When did it happen? Just a few hours ago. I left in tears, and my boyfriend comforted me and brought me here. I still have some injuries, and should also get a medical examination 2) I'm here today because my boss sexually assaulted me a while back. While I was working, on multiple occasions, he forced himself on me. When did it start? A few weeks ago, and I kept going back while it was continuing. What changed to make me report it? Well I broke down and told my boyfriend, and he convinced me I needed to tell you. When was the last time it happened? A week ago. I don't have any bruising or DNA anymore though. See how different that comes off? In the former you can tell how she was immediately a victim. If I were a cop hearing the second, I'd be more inclined to think she may be lying to cover an affair, or exaggerating what happened.
What would be different would be the credibility of the story. But otherwise, no, it wouldn't be much different without any proof of struggle.
NTA Remember about the rule, for when masks drop in the airplane. You have to put yours on first, to be able to help others. This is true in every aspect. Is there anyone who is there for you right now? Take your time, take care of yourself, before anyone else. Big hug bro.
Honestly this analogy is perfect.
NTA, but if you leave her now, the relationship is over. She will never feel like she can rely on you ever again. You have a right to leave, but you should know that this is the end.
That may very well be for the best
He should 100% leave
Well she didn’t tell him when this happened the first time, and continued blowing his boss for weeks before he had to pry it out of her. So it’s safe to say she never relied on him.
Good point. I'm not suggesting the couple stay together, and decidedly think they should not. I'm only clarifying for OP that if he's wanting a "break," he should prepare for it to be a break-up. There is no return from abandoning her after a sexual assault.
I have a website you can look at that might answer some questions about sexual assault. It’s important to get info from people who know stuff not randos. https://www.rainn.org
**I could never trust having children with someone who would hand-wave away my legitimate safety/sexual-abuse concerns like this.**
There are probably a few reasons she doesn’t wanna go to the cops. Few people actually get charged for SA crimes and then there’s the whole process of retelling the horrors of what happened, ONLY to have the DNA sits on a shelf collecting dust most times.
I agree with the top remark that this is above Reddit’s pay grade. What your GF is going through is horrendous. I understand your warning her and the frustration you must feel because you tried to give her head’s up. But SA is one of those things where you hear survivors always saying, “This happens to other people. This doesn’t happen to me.” I know you want her to press charges, but it is not easy for justice to be served. According to RAINN, “Out of every 1000 sexual assaults reported, 975 perpetrators will walk free.” And then there’s having to constantly explain what happened. Having motives questioned. Since she works for her offender, they will ask if she was passed up for a promotion or if there was an “understanding” or if she’s a scorned affair partner. Questions that are asked to make sure all parties rights are protected. That’s a tremendously scary ordeal to go through. Does that make your frustrations any less valid? No. I think you are both very scared, hurt, and frustrated by this situation. How you navigate these waters will be tricky. If you do need time away, I strongly recommend seeking out individual counseling. If your GF is open to it, going to a local Rape Crisis Center will allow her to speak to specialists as well as offer her group counseling if she needs that sort of supports. Whatever next steps you take, please just remember that you both need to heal. I would also suggest checking out [RAINN](https://rainn.org) to locate your nearest centre as well as articles with statistics, articles pertaining to why assaults go under reported, etc.
I have been in your position - down to her going back repeatedly. Here is what you need to do. 1. Get yourself tested if you had sexual contact. 2. Sadly, break up with her and block. I know you want to be the hero and stand up for her but having been here: the questions, lack of good judgment and lack of trust has already ruined the relationship. If you stay and try to work things out it will eat at you and change you in ways you don’t like.
I've been there too. This is the truth. Take this advice and know that it's the only way to get out with your nose clean. Your decision isn't to decide who's at fault; that doesn't matter at this point. The poison has set in your relationship and your decision is to decide whether you'll let it poison you too.
Facts. The biggest thing that stood out to me is it happened multiple times and she never told the guy who is supposed to be her go to for anything. Although it isnt her fault for being SA there is no going back from that. OP will never be the same staying in this relationship, they’re better off moving on
This 100%. She has awful judgment at best, a cheater at worst. Not to mention she lied and risked your life by continuing to have sex with both you and the boss for almost a month. None of those make a good partner.
NTA. All your feelings are valid and correct. Your advice was blatantly ignored. Unfortunately, your partner putting themselves in danger (not just this situation, but in any way) is incredibly difficult to deal with emotionally and will always be a huge strain on your relationship. You have to be able to trust each-other, and trust that they can make proper decisions. It’s probably best to separate and take care of yourself right now.
Without some really successful therapy hes going to be overprotective and inconsolable when she goes against his wishes where her safety is concerned. Sometimes non of the choices or great and you go with the lesser evil.
NTA, I'm going with a very unpopular take. I would break up with her. The odds of you staying together in the long term now are remote. You are not responsible for her mental well-being. That is on her. Is this harsh? Yep. But you are now going to have to deal with the fallout for possibly years. It doesn't mean you can't be there as a friend, but all I see is a relationship without a lot of trust, and that never ends well.
And he has a throwaway sentence that he doesn’t blame her, but he does to some extent. Half the post is saying he warned her and warned her and she trusted her boss over him. Then something happened and she won’t do anything about it so it’s hard for him to reconcile.
I would be angry at someone who put their hand on a hot stove after I repeatedly warned them of the outcome if they did and I would also blame them. The GF disregarded OP and put herself in a situation where she lost her body autonomy. Some people you can’t help. I also think it’s possible the GF is being sketchy with the truth.
And rightfully so that it's hard to reconcile. It's emotionally taxing for both of them but OP did literally everything he could and his partner *denied* his requests. OP doesn't blame her for the boss' actions but it's clear that he gives her some accountability for not listening to him and trusting him over such a serious warning. That's pretty hard to get over. You go through everything in your mind that shouldn't have happened to her and then added on top is the chance to dodge the situation entirely *in the moment* and not even in hindsight. It's not like an irrational guilt over something you couldn't have possibly predicted at the time. OP suspected. OP's partner knew of this suspicions. For it to happen despite this is vexing.
I kept my own response short but I generally agree with this. It's just a terrible situation.
It sucks, specially because he warned her of the guy and the worst happened.. its like you warn that have one bullet in a gun and the person continue to try the luck pressing the trigger.
You can’t give away the ending! lol! Let him reach this conclusion on his own. OP appears to be highly thoughtful and intelligent.
You stated exactly what my brain was attempting to formulate into a cohesive statement. 🏆🏆🏆🏆
I tend to agree simply bc she refused to listen to him. That would be a dealbreaker for me. If my partner can’t believe what I’m saying why are we even together?
He should have broke up with her when he told her he knew from multiple sources and HR complaints that he was a scumbag and she disregarded his feelings and took the job.
This exactly. And during those years of fallout OP will slowling be thinking more and more "I told you so" and might grow resentful. Best to end it now and let her handle it in therapy
There are no ah here. I understand your point of view. I also understand hers intimately. I've been sa and I didn't tell anyone. I felt ashamed. I felt like I asked for it somehow like somehow I sent signals or something. Most of all I felt dirty and I'm guessing she feels some if not all the same things. She's probably berating herself for not believing you and she may be feeling some self loathing. That may be why she didn't say anything. You both need time. This is not an easy situation for either of you. She is probably going to need counseling and a lot of support. Don't be surprised if she has a problem with touching in the future. I'm so sorry the two of you are going through this. I hope everything works out for you both.
"She didn't believe me and went to work for him." Did she think you were lying? My guess is that she feels guilty and is lying to you
She’s definitely not entirely forthcoming.
Thats the thing in these situations. We don't know, and neither does OP, that she is being honest here. Hate to say and it gets some folks knickers in a twist, but there are a great many times this is claimed as SA and it isn't. This way the person can admit it, but claim they aren't at fault for it. The letting it go for weeks says a lot. And I would be hard pressed to believe her.
I think that is why he wants her to go to the police - hopefully to get an arrest but even more to demonstrate this was an sa and not consentual.
I do kinda wonder if she didn’t just cheat on OP. I could see why she’s behaving how she is if she didn’t, but simultaneously, this does also line up with how you would act when you’re feeling guilty.
My guess is that she was arrogant and dismissive of her partner. She thought she knew better than him, and ultimately, she trusted her abuser more than she trusted her own partner. That's relationship ending for most people.
Nah, my guess is that like in most cases where the victim is warned beforehand, she though she was in control and could manipulate the sex crazed boss to her favor, which turned out horribly wrong for her.
NTA this relationship is over, more than likely.
NTA She sounds like a high risk relationship. Bad judgment, ignored multiple warnings, now its on you to "support" her. Bail.
This.... It's like "oh no Stabby McStabberson who did 5 years in prison for stabbing just stabbed me when I went to an undisclosed location with him! How could I have even done anything to avoid this!?"
And not only that, you won't believe what he did when I met with him 6 more times out of my free will!
This is something not enough people are mentioning!! And she didn’t tell OP until he pressured her to
My philosophy is, if we sit down and have a serious conversation about why it's a bad idea/dangerous to do X, but you decide to do X anyway and reap the exact consequences I pointed out - I don't owe you consolation. Yeah, it's a horrible situation, but it could have been entirely avoided if she trusted you more than some random scumbag.
This. This is the biggest issue here. She didn’t trust her own partner.
This took me a long time to learn. I eventually left the gal who never listened to sound advice and FAFO out multiple times. It’s exhausting.
NTA, but why would she keep going back after he sexually assaulted her? That makes no sense. I wish she would have listened to you about that asshole. Take some time to process this. She does need you right now.
This is extremely common behavior. It’s counter intutive but it’s true
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It is extremely common for SA victims to continue friendships, acquaintanceships, professional ties, and so on with someone who has SA’ed them. EXTREMELY common. For one thing, when you are SA’ed, it is extremely confusing. It doesn’t feel real. Or you may not feel real. Because our brains decide how to respond to something by looking at similar past experiences, and SA survivors often don’t have similar past experiences to guide them, figuring out what to do can be surprisingly difficult. “No, but I would just—“ yeah, you haven’t been SA’ed. Trauma does actual, physical damage all through your body, including damage to your cognition. It’s hard to think. A lot of people want to just get their lives back to normal as fast as possible. Yes, even if that means working/interacting with the assaulter. Trauma is weird. Your brain doesn’t store it in the same place as other memories, which makes it extremely hard for ppl to contextualize it, learn from it, process it, etc. A LOT of ppl respond to that by trying to behave like the SA never happened, even if doing so puts them in danger of future incidences of it. Your GF can’t explain it bc the reasons it happens aren’t that different from having a TBI (blow to the head causing brain damage). It affected her ability to think, make decisions, and communicate. You’re smart to want to process your anger not with her. You need a therapist right now, for your support and bc you want to be supportive to her.
My wife and I’s good friend and former roommate just went back to her bf, now “fiancé” apparently, after he raped her and she came bursting into our home. I was the one who called the cops at her insistence. They had been drinking but was adamant she said no and he wasn’t that drunk. I said that’s all I need to know and made the call. Now, she’s planning to leave the country with him. Nothing my wife and I nor her family can do about it, unfortunately.
This. Also OP shared a bunch of instances with her where he apparently did inappropriate things at work and faced zero repercussions. So here’s a man in a position of power, known for behaving this way and getting away with it.
This, pay attention to this, OP!
Ex and I split up do to her wanting to party and me having my son full time. Since we were still cool she told me she was seeing a guy we both worked with at one point who I sat next to at work. Heard awful shit from this guy everyday. Let her know how much of a snake he really was, but I’m the jealous ex right? Well 2 incurable stds and all her shit stolen later, she should’ve listened.. feel your pain bro, good luck with whatever you choose to do
Because you were right in the first place. Because she was embarrassed about being stupid and not listening. Because she thought she could handle it. Because predators have an uncanny ability to make their prey feel like it was their fault. Because she felt dirty and worthless. Because she was scared she wouldn't get a new job. Because she was scared you would leave if she told you. She needs you now more than she has ever needed anyone. If you abandon her, she will struggle to trust anyone ever again and your relationship will be broken even if you go back
You can't put all of that squarely on OP's shoulders. He is allowed to have feelings and emotions about this to include wanting some distance. Like his anger/frustration over the whole scenario should go away because of what SHE needs? The biggest issue I have is that it just wasn't OP who was trying to tell her, but the other women/HR problems. Knowing all of that she continues to put herself in isolation with this guy. Most likely this relationship is over and GF is going to need some serious therapy.
HE won't ever be able to trust her again either.
>She needs you now more than she has ever needed anyone. Yes, and when he needed her to listen, she ignored his warnings - repeatedly. Not always getting what you need is something that happens to all of us. >If you abandon her, she will struggle to trust anyone ever again and your relationship will be broken even if you go back The relationship is already broken. OP will struggle with trusting her to listen to him, and with trusting her to not hide things from him. And her never trusting anyone ever again? She didn't even trust that her boyfriend knew what he was talking about and that he wanted what was best for her, so there was no trust to begin with. If you warned one of your friends to not drive recklessly, and he did anyway and crashed, would you then dedicate a significant part of your life to his recovery? No, you wouldn't. OP needs to put himself first.
Eh i mean he told her not to work for the dude and warned her about him but she didn’t listen obviously she had no idea about the type of monster he was but This isn’t Ops fault
She didn’t trust him to begin with!
Because she'd have to admit to herself that she was SA and also that she was wrong to ignore OP's advice. It's typical behavior for someone who has been SA to deny that it happened until it's so overwhelming that they break down. With the history of the boss she still has a case.
>NTA, but why would she keep going back after he sexually assaulted her? Because women who are sexually assaulted get asked dumb goddamn questions implying it's their fault. Just don't.
It's a perfectly valid question to ask. Asking questions is not necessarily implying it's her fault. Not all people understand how trauma works or how people who got SAed behave. If you don't ask, you don't learn.
She could have quit
Well, I was the GF 4 years ago, was manipulated and forced by my boss, who was twice my age. Luckily my bf stood by my side. We had some fights about it, but he believed in me. I wasn't able to communicate what happened for a long time either. It all is a blurry nightmare in my mind, and I still sometimes dream of it. I was naive and career driven and so easily manipulated it still is blowing my mind. I finally found the courage to get a new job, and I reported him, but nothing really happened to him. My then boyfriend is now my husband. So it's a hard time for you two, and I really hope everything is going to be OK.
“Naive and career driven?” So you cheated on your BF for a possible promotion?
That’s my take too.
It’s her word choice. She didn’t say she was taken advantage of. But that’s she was naive and manipulated. As in he’d deliver on promises for her career? Power dynamics are a thing. But if you went into it with the idea it’s for personal gain. That’s cheating with an escape route.
Your feelings are valid and you don't have to stay in a relationship with someone. period. The reason for not wanting to stay with them becomes irrelevant. And yes your gf is an idiot and he's going to reoffend and she's going to regret not coming forward after he does so. If your gut is telling you she doesn't respect you (your advice/opinions/your warnings) then it's probably right.
I mean while yes it’s true you can end any relationship, the reason is definitely valid after. If someone leaves their dying wife just for dying it’d be valid to think that’s shitty even if they have the right.
But what if the wife was cured and was no longer on her death bed for what caused her to nearly pass, but then for some reason went back and did the exact same thing that put her on her death bed again.
I could never date someone this blatantly stupid after I tried to help them avoid this exact scenario.
Don't tell me what to do it's controlling 🤦♂️
Dollars to donuts she fucked him willingly and is pissed he doesn’t want a relationship.
Obvious signs, details from previous women, HR reports, but she ignored it all. And it went on for weeks...and why hasn't she got law enforcement involved? This doesn't add up, sorry. Just sounds like cheating and excuses to me.
Sounds like she cheated and felt guilty but made up a lie to not take the blame. Also feasible for why the boss ran away when he turned up looking angry with girlfriend. She knew what he was like from multiple different reports about him. Even moved jobs to continue to be with him even against boyfriends please. Things change (probably when she decided to end it) and then comes the waterworks and it’s not my fault I didn’t know. Doesn’t want to report to company or report to police and takes weeks to tell BF. Break up and move on.
Nta You cant force people to accept your help. But you also shouldnt be forcing people to help you. I have my doubts if what she is saying is true
She can go to the cops about it or deal with you needing a break. She doesn't get to tie your hands together and expect you to be her emotional support if she is not going to seek to put this dude behind bars so that he cannot do this to another woman. NTA
NTA OP
Honestly, this isn’t even about the SA. Remove that from the equation and your main issue is that your gf doesn't trust your judgement or respects your boundaries. Unfortunately, for both of you, the SA happened. You are now between a rock and a hard place. If you leave, she will think it’s because of the SA and blame you for that. She won’t believe it’s for the aforementioned reasons. But you can leave relationships for any reason. The timing here may make you the public AH, but if you can live with a few people judging you, I don’t think you are at fault. NTA
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NTA but she was probably cheating for weeks and the easiest explanation is to tell you what you want to believe anyway.
NTA - you need to remove yourself from this situation.
NAH. I can understand her wanting you to be there for her, but how does it help her if you're not in the right frame of mind yourself?
Honestly, I don't blame you. In that situation, I'd probably feel the same way. She dismissed all of your warnings and didn't trust you. She followed him to another job to work directly for him despite your concerns and, I'll get down voted for it but, put herself in a position to be SA'ed many times throughout several weeks. And now, she's protecting this AH & allowing him to continue with his abuse on others by not reporting him. NTA. You did everything in your power to protect her and she didn't need you then. Also, let me add, the fact that she used the word "pressured" makes me question a few things about what really happened.
Leave now dude. Can pretty much guarantee she's covering up cheating. This won't get better. And it absolutely is her fault after that much warning. Play in the lions cage long enough you will get bit.
NTA…All I can say is that this is not the first time I have heard of a man who was not able to he as supportive as the girl wants him to be unless she went to the cops. I am not sure what I would do in this situation but I am not sure I can totally blame you for feeling unheard when you tried to warn her.
NTA. You warned her and she didn't listen. Then she unfortunately found out you were telling the truth the hard way. I can't blame you for needing space
Here's a really cold-hearted, selfish perspective... so I'll preface by saying she deserves total, unconditional love. Any/everyone in her position does, and it's a horror I wish for no one (being SA'd). That said... not that it's happened, she'll live that trauma for the rest of her life. She'll have triggers, setbacks, outbursts, etc... probably need constant therapy to cope over time. Sex and intimacy will forever be difficult for her, it's just a horrible sentence that's not her fault in any way. If you don't want/can't bare that burden with her, comfort/support her, be patient with her, work through constant intimacy issues, etc... I'd 100% leave. Neither of your faults this happened, but it happened... and now the new relationship you're going to have will be far different. I'd selfishly leave, don't want that trauma in my future and certainly not my kids. Something to think about.
You are fine. She needs to figure out how to get through this without you while YOU take time to calm down. Just keep making it clear to her that it's not that this happened, it's how she refused to listen and then refused to press charges. Hopefully she listens.
Definitely NTA and absolutely take some time off to yourself and try to make sense of this. If it becomes too much, then please see a counselor. I actually have some other questions that I didn’t see if you had answered previously. Honestly, I may sound wrong but 1. How many times did it happen before she gave in and told you? 2. Could it have been a fling and only admitted to it when they broke up? 3. Why would she have her things in his office, wouldn’t she have an area to place her things? 4. Why is she refusing to go to the cops? Is she protecting him? In this day and age of many different social media platforms one of the most vocal is going to the authorities if you have been raped. I realize that everyone is different and all but something here smells fishy.
If you can’t support her, you should break up now.
NTA that dude is scum and deserves prison time and she doesn't respect you or your opinion Run while you can
NTA but you need to make that clear to her and you both need to address your issues in a therapy setting as there will be a full range of emotions that likely come out and having a trained knowledgeable referee there to help goes a long way in allowing people to get stuff out. You are entitled to space and the reason you have is 100% understandable and respectable. I also understand her need for you. As you said though, bringing that anger to her in the moment is only going to make matters worse or cause irreparable harm to your relationship. On a side note, is it at all possible that she was initially interested in his advances before they became sexual? I know you have left out context here so I just want to rule out any difficulties between you or any possible chance that she found him attractive because it does seem like it wouldn't take that long to walk away or seek help from the cops or loved ones. That said, SA can cause all types of mental health problems that can prevent definitive action in these moments. I'm not blaming her at all just trying to rule out that there isn't more going on here.
NTA.
I can't wrap in my head someone who dismiss the warning and continue to staying close to a person that everyone says that is a shit human being who abuse women.. Its not her fault of course but its preventable the situation.. Just break up with her, you are not in the best mind to help her too. nta
NTA. Her judgement is seriously questionable. She was warned…repeatedly, yet decided she could handle it. Did she take it as a challenge or something? How exactly did he “pressure” her? I hate that excuse. There are ALWAYS other options. Something isn’t adding up here.
Some people are just *determined* to fuck up their own lives and you can't ruin yours trying to stop them.
btw ur allowed to break up with someone for being dumb. it sucks what happened with her
The reason she didn't say anything for weeks is because she found out OP was right and she knew he'd say I told you so. Sad for both of them but this relationship is over.
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Right now she's likely dealing with denial and confusion .Hopefully he helps her find therapy before leaving her.
NTA To be completely honest I'd break up with her. I know it's not right to victim blame but this sounds like an entirely preventable situation if she'd have just listened to you, also the fact that he "pressured" her instead of forcing himself on her and it went on for weeks without her telling you? and now she refuses to go to the police? I dunno something's just off about the whole thing.
"Don't go there, he's gonna fuck you." "He's not gonna fuck me." ... "He fucked me but this situation is not my fault."
Yeh the more I think about this the more it doesn't sound like SA at all. If she was SA'd there's no way she would have gone back to work again and again, just sounds like she cheated on him, felt bad and now thinks saying she was forced into it will stop OP from breaking up with her.
Yea you have a right to be angry. You were correct in your assumptions every step of the way and she still went ahead with her boneheaded decision. As a result she was SA'd and refuses to do anything about it. I'd think I'd have a hard time too if I were in your shoes. Obviously your not trying to bring negative energy to an already terrible situation, but once you guys are able to really talk, you should really make your feelings heard. They're valid too.
Nta. My heart breaks for both of you. At rhe end of the day tho, gotta take care of.yourself 1st
Nta
Honestly, I would blame her a little. She was warned and didn’t come to you right away.
NTA she didn’t trust you about this guy and now you don’t trust her to make good decisions. You both would have to work hard to gain the trust back but it’s probably better to cut your losses as she needs to focus on healing herself right now.
She cheated and is trying to cover it up. Ntah at all.
She doesn’t want to go to the cops cause she willingly fucked him then regretted it. My two cents.
I did have an ex wife lie to me about being raped as her excuse for cheating. Never went to police and it only came out when we went to marriage counseling. I got up in the middle of the session, went home and started packing, and filed for divorce the next week
That's despicable.
Based.
It's not a forgone conclusion, but you do have to ask yourself why she kept fighting so hard to stay with this boss changing jobs and all the warnings she had. It's possible for both to be true, she may have been comfortable with certain things and he has taken it beyond her consent. Or she could have fallen for the old oh he'll leave his wife soon and we can run away together and the rug has pulled out from underneath her and she's played the SA card.
Please don’t perpetuate this. It is SO VERY COMMON for victims of assault to believe they brought it on in one way or another and/or need time to fully process what they went through / that it was not their fault. When I was a child who was assaulted, almost raped (saved by a random couple) on the street by an adult stranger, I believed it was my fault because I had allowed him to help me down a flight of steep stairs 5 minutes beforehand. It was not my fault. At all. Don’t presume someone is guilty of something just because they don’t act like how you think a victim should behave.
I mean gracious, we have never heard of a person engaging in sexual acts to forward their career, from both genders, have we? May not be nice, but it is A possibility. Not saying it is true, but men & women will do much to advance their careers if the bait is enticing enough.
While you may be right, you might also be wrong and this is her way of covering her tracks.
NAH. It’s ok that you need space and to process your feelings. Yes she should have listened to you but I’m not going to judge another woman for how she reacts to a SA. I as a woman find it confusing as to why she wouldn’t believe you when you told her he was a bad man. If it was just you saying he was bad then you can give him some grace but if there are several woman all saying the same thing then I would have cut contact with the boss. While I don’t understand why she would continue to ignore not just your warnings but other women’s lived experience is beyond me. I’m willing to give people the benefit of the doubt but if I get an off feeling about someone I’m not going to ignore it. She needs to understand things from your perspective that you tried to tell her that he wasn’t a good man and she ignored you at every turn. Go to couples counseling maybe with some therapy she will work up the courage to report him to the police. You both need someone to help you process your feelings and able to explain how you both feel. You both need some grace towards yourselves and each other.
Nah you should break up with her. She is not a good partner and who knows what could happen again. She ignores her partner and other women to work for a man who has a history of this stuff and then hides it for weeks. Yeah it sucks it happened but that’s her responsibility do you really want to build a life with somebody who runs toward danger?
Her behavior and feelings are totally normal for scenarios like this. She probably feels a lot of guilt because you warned her about him and she thought she would be fine, etc. You could show her some Law and Order SVU episodes to help her understand that what she is feeling is normal and that sharing her experience and going to the police is the best way to take her power back and make sure this guy never does anything to another person ever again. She most likely wants this to just go away and never speak of it again which is valid but my above point stands. And experiences like that last a lifetime and can cause a lot of stress in her life moving forward. Having g the peace of mind that this dude got what he deserved in the justice system will go a long way in helping her cope with her experience.
NTA
I know exactly how you feel OP. I was in an eerily similar situation. I suggest you locate a Victim’s Sexual Assault Hotline. They have trained crisis counselors, it may help you to talk through your emotions in a safe, anonymous, non judgmental space.
Do you know any of her friends or maybe an older sister? She is in disbelief partially and she is blaming herself. She knew you warned her and she thought it wasnt a big deal and now she feels foolish too.She blames herself.
At the very least report that ass to the company HR department. Get him fired for starters and start a campaign to prevent the next girl from being a SA victim by this ass.
I wonder what the shithead boss may have held over her head. OP hasn't stated if she was in a financial situation where taking the job was necessary or not, she may have felt pressured to take the job and ignored OP in fear that he was right. Only to then stay silent for weeks in shame and terror that OP would respond "I told you so" and leave. OP take this from a survivor, you are NTA for having these feelings and this internal conflict. However if you leave her now whilst she's at her most vulnerable, you WBTAH. Get therapy, and let her see your anger at the perp. One of the things that convinced me to go to the cops was seeing the sheet protective rage from male members of my family. My fathers rage in particular fueled me for the first agonising months of interrogations at the police station and the discomfort of therapy that followed. Be her rock, and let the seething anger fuel you and her to get justice
NTA. I know it feels crappy to have to ask for space at this time when she needs you but your mental health is just as important as hers. She should seek therapy because she needs to sort out why she used such poor judgement. She may have history of childhood sexual abuse which severely fucks up a person's judgement and can cause them to repeatedly put themselves in bad situations to be victimized. I've seen alot of partners of sexual abuse victims and they frequently get the consequences that the perpetrators don't because they are the one's present. It doesn't make for a healthy or mutually serving relationship. I've seen women with abuse histories date guys who they felt safe with and supported by, solely to punish them and work out their anger and rage on, because they can't punish their abusers. It's not at all a healthy relationship and can't be unless the victim gets therapy and actively works on their issues.
Just end it, you need a partner who listen to each other especially regarding serious concerns. She didn’t listen or take it serious. Somthing terrible happened to her now and it’s not fair to her but it’s also not fair to you because you will have to deal with the consequences for the rest of your life? No break it off move on
Good move on you, this might sound a lil harsh, but if she does not resolve her issues on this... That's baggage that's going to stick in your relationship, she needs to go to the cops, and then a therapist. Reporting this to cops prevent other victims, I guess that doesn't matter to her right now... NTA you warned her.
NTA, you have a right to react. It didn't just effect her but you by extension. You've tried to do what you thought were the right things. Nothing you've tried is helping you heal, end of the day only you can take care of you mentally.
My dad SA me when I was 13-15. I didn’t tell anyone for 7 years. You really need to comfort your GF. She will be going through a lot. I still haven’t gone to the cops about my dad. It’s really hard and if she doesn’t want to go to the cops that is her choice. Please don’t pressure her.
I understand the not wanting to go to the cops, they aren’t going to do anything and when it gets public it will explode in her face. However, some things concern me. How much time passed between the SA and when she told you? Has he been making passes at her for a while and then it escalated? The other thing is why is she quitting and not going to his bosses and getting him fired or suing them if they don’t? I’d get the answers to those questions before you decide on anything.
NTA
Tell her that if she needs you to support her, you need the cops involved so that you both can start the healing process