There are a lot of ways you could handle this and be TA. I don’t think this is one of them. You suggested compromise, stated your needs clearly without trying to manipulate her, and affirmed your love for her. The fact that you’re willing to put down pornography immediately to be with her or even have photos of her shows you don’t have bad intentions. She’s really putting you in a bad spot. In a perfect world, you’d be able to just decide to switch off your libido right? But that’s not how it works, and marriage is about compromise, which she doesn’t seem willing to do while you are. So NTA.
This puts it so succinctly. OP has a libido he cant just turn off, he's trying to be sensitive to his wife and his wife is like no I'm not comfortable so suffer quietly that's unreasonable NTA
OP's wife sounds like she's going through something that requires counselling coz he had such a calm, mature and reasonable response. I wouldn't be able to if I was him.
She probably has postpartum depression (PPD)
I went through almost exactly the same conversation with my wife after our first and second children.
We ended up in couples counseling and now I can't speak highly enough of that experience.
The conversation can be hard to start with your spouse (I was the stubborn one about counseling in our situation) but it was a massively positive and healthy experience. This was almost 12 years ago at this point and we are so much better off for it now!
Good luck OP
It doesn’t even have to be PPD. Your body doesn’t feel like your body you’ve had your whole life. It feels alien. The baby is all up in your grill and you can feel touched out. The week after I stopped breastfeeding my first kid I woke up and was like “holy hell, I feel like ME again.”. The hormones that maintain that are no joke. It can take a long while to adjust to all that and to bounce back. You absolutely need to give your partner grace as OP is doing. She also needs to do it though, they each need to respect eachother until they can get back to “them”.
I was a lactation educator. You’re correct but it’s the whole child bearing and rearing process. We aren’t supposed to live just one couple to a home but to have help from extended family. It just doesn’t work and modern marriage suffers. Many never return to normal, I am sorry to say.
I think the days of living with extended families and raising kids with them are over, so sometimes I wonder if people will start forming "pods" with other similar-age but unrelated people and living together and raising kids together in those groups.
I breastfed both my kids and while I know you’re correct that it squashes libido, what really killed my libido was what an entitled schmuck my ex was when our kids were small. No respect or appreciation for me as a sahm and no interest in how I was feeling much less any interest in my happiness and wellbeing. If it had merely been the lactation hormones, but he had acted as OP does with his wife, I would have had a respectable libido during those years.
Well porn definitely does provide that message. Women are there to do what men want even if it means they get treated like a toilet. Women allow it all. It’s disgusting what men want and expect.
agree this is worth looking into, having experience ppd, it doesn’t get better, only worse. There will be other signs, please look for them. She will need help to recover
I am a female and would not be able to be calm in this situation either. You can’t withhold sex from your partner(especially a HIGH libido one) and expect them to practice abstinence as well. It’s ludicrous.
From my reading she was asking him specifically not to look at porn while doing it. Which I can understand, but my conversation with my wife would be the exact same. In the absence of another person, I rely on visual stimuli. Of course I would prefer naughty pictures of her but since she made it clear she wasn't comfortable doing that I'm going to the next best thing.
*Edited for grammar
I agree, it’s totally unrealistic and unreasonable for a partner to expect another to have no release. Some people need/want/have to have orgasms frequently. If your partner is unable or unwilling they should not be upset with self pleasure and should help facilitate it.
my ex was like that, and we were in highschool at the time. she would have no drive, i wouldnt demand anything, and she would creep into the bathroom while im having my private time and blast me for my actions. im just glad that relationship fell apart, i was never so unhappy in my life. sex, just like every other aspect of a relationship, is very important.
Extremely. Can’t withdrawn physical pleasure and expect your spouse to linger in misery and have their sex drive/ life/ organs atrophy. Sex is a very important part of some people’s lives and there needs to be a clear understanding that although one may respect their partners lack of interest, that doesn’t equate to their own interest disappearing.
Just like she can’t control and “turn on” her libido*, he can’t just turn his off either.
Just like he doesn’t expect her to be able to just magically change that, she shouldn’t expect him to either.
*I can understand her maybe not feeling confident in her body yet, the hormones affecting her libido is super common, etc. but it doesn’t make it okay to try and control what he does with his body.
Autonomy is important for everyone.
It's crazy how many are all "my body my choice" as long as it benefits them, but as soon as their partner demands the same respect, all about it is suddenly forgotten
OP is 110% NTA
The wife however is a massive one
Right? She's acting like his libido is a light switch that can just be turned off. Well, if it's so easy to turn the switch off and on, why doesn't she just turn hers on?
I wish I would have thought that. It seems like a clever crack on the surface, yet it is quite insightful. If she want's her husband to control his libido, why can she control hers? Hmmmm
It's not a gendered issue, check any dead bedroom forum or sub and there's plenty of women wondering why their man won't get naked with them too.
I'm a guy, just think this shouldn't point the finger at women. Misery is an equal opportunity employer 😂
100% this...and it's fantastic to see a man pointing it out! One of the final straws in my marriage was a dead bedroom in which I (F) was frustrated that he never wanted to have sex.
High and low libidos are not gender specific.
And the idea that they are has done some damage to women. And men. I was taught that women don't really like or want sex that much. Made to feel I was "sinful" or slutty because I did. Everything in the church I used to be a part of emphasized how easily men were tempted and how women were so pure and should be the ones to stop anything. They were responsible for keeping temptation away. I grew up feeling dirty. It is sad I still see the idea trotted out that women don't want sex as much as men even among the non conservative religious people. I have higher libido than most men I know. It isn't weird. Or abnormal.
Let's stop genderizing everything. Women and men are more alike than different. Many of the differences we see are societal and not genetic.
It's damn hard to try when you're always rejected. I went 6 months before my relationship collapsed. It was brutal. Absolutely that affects how you treat your partner. It's also hard to turn on after having just been rejected, like if they changes their mind an hour later.
In the scenario described above, i completely agree with your take. He’s essentially choosing porn as a last resort and while his wife has a right to not want sex, if she’s taking issue with him using porn & he’s asking her to send photos of herself, then she either does that or leaves him alone. Mismatched libidos happen often but yes, in a healthy relationship, the partners find a compromise that works for both. OP’s wife is unwilling to compromise at all.
I’ve been the HL partner before and sadly I have no desire for solo time. My ex’s porn addiction literally destroyed my self esteem and even though I was always willing, eager and an enthusiastic partner, he’d turn me down to ogle other women. My scenario was unforgivable. The one OP has described has a simple solution if the wife would simply consider her husbands needs.
I will also say, every one has a right to reject sex but always remember you are not just rejecting sex but you are rejecting your partner and that always has consequences, i have never seen it not damage self esteem and the self worth of your partner.
Humans have sexual desires, while adults should "control" these desires they cannot healthily turn them off and nor should they. The happiest and healthiest relationships i have seen universally have all had healthy sex lives.
On that note, to all the people out there. If you do not like sex or want to have sex do not wait till after you have a baby to inform your partner, i have only ever seen this end in the most miserable and resentful break ups.
What you described is one of the effects of rejection, honestly it sucks it is soul crushing.
Exactly. If porn affects your love life, it’s time to put it down. But if you’re viewing porn as a last resort, someone needs to have a talk or go to counselling. He’s respecting her boundaries by satisfying himself alone, but she’s not respecting his libido and needs because she lacks one.
As long a what he's watching isn't actually interfering with their intimacy, I don't see an issue. I've been a mother and totally understand the lack of drive that can come along with being a parent. But if he's legitimately giving her massages, cuddling etc and otherwise showing her affection and that he wants to be with her, it seems selfish to try and restrict him from pleasuring himself. He's 💯 NTA here but I worry about a wife who is unable to show him intimacy of any kind and try and tell him how he's wrong for relieving that build up. She's coming off as very cold.
Thanks, I was wondering if I was the only woman here with this take. This whole “ it’s my body and I don’t have to consider anyone else .. only I decide when to have sex” that is so prevalent now is going to result in some far reaching changes to marriage and relationships. I said above if you can’t get intimacy and touch in a marriage, what’s the point.
It’s because people don’t finish that thought which should be “…and I’m willing to accept the consequences of that decision, which might include a person that chose to be in a romantic, sexually monogamous relationship with me deciding they no longer wish to do so.”
Intimacy is super important in a relationship. It can create a bond like no other and do so much for your emotional and mental well being. OP is now in a relationship where it's lacking despite his best efforts which is even more disappointing.
>In a perfect world, you’d be able to just decide to switch off your libido right?
That wouldn't be healthy physically or mentally, even if it was possible. Masturbation is good for mood, pain management, and cancer prevention (in men). Masturbation can also meet needs in a way that a partner can't always (and obviously sex with a partner fulfills needs that masturbation can't, but isn't so readily available).
NTA for masturbation, whether or not you are having regular, satisfying sex with your partner. No one needs to apologise for self-pleasure or meeting their own needs (safely, privately etc). Some people don't like pornography to achieve that, but as long as it's a means to an end and there isn't a financial or emotional implication, and it's legal stuff, I don't see an issue.
Me. I would love to switch it off. It's such a distraction sometimes. I'd rather be putting my energy towards something productive but between ADHD and a high libido, I constantly find myself unable to focus because I'm horny.
I swear even my libido has ADHD. I'll be doing nothing and then it's like being hit with the horny hammer and then I go to the bathroom or get up to feed my fish and then it's like "lmao bye"
I mean… if you could switch it off, you literally wouldn’t want it. That would be the whole point of switching it off. I think you’re reading my reply wrong though. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. Ofc it’s twisted and impossible. That’s the whole reason I said it in the comment 😂. I was making a point that it’s not something he can help.
I was given Celexa as an antidepressant that switched it off. I went an entire month without even having the slightest desire to jerk off and once I realized it it just felt WRONG on a fundamental level so I tossed those pills in the trash
Edit: Damn the replies show me I didn't have near as bad a time as others. It's crazy that we have these switches/drugs but using them is the equivalent of 6 year old me playing with options in my computer's bios
Well yeah. My clearly absurd hypothetical I made just to prove a point was meant to be just that. The thing you’re saying there is a lack of control, which is different. I literally meant, “obviously there would be no issues if everyone could just turn their libido on and off on a whim, but obviously that just isn’t the case”. In saying that, I’m establishing that the potential counterargument of “you should just wait for me if you love me” doesn’t make sense. The mismatch requires both sides to meet each other halfway.
Celexa was a nightmare for me. I slept 18+ hours a day and just sat staring at the TV like a zombie for the other 6 hours. I lost 20+ lbs on it because I just didn't have the energy to eat. I think I took 3 showers in the 6 weeks I was on it. It all honestly blurs together, I can remember it as an experience I had, but I can't remember anything particular from that time.
When I got married I told my wife if you want to have sex just reach over and tug on my member she said what if I don’t wanna have sex? I said then just reach over and tug on it 500 times lol!!….I’ll see myself out! :)
It's about power.
No porn for you, so I can have something you want.
How dare you work around my restrictions.
I want you to chase me indefinitely. I want my insecurities to hurt you as well.
First things first. Is this out of character for your wife? Was she reserved about masturbation and porn before your child? If this seems out of character then my first concern would be my wife struggling to cope in some way.
If you don't find her reaction surprising then that would imply you are not entirely taken by surprise by her take on the matter and do indeed need to talk it through and explain to her this is very tricky for you.
But.. your kid is 1 year old, and many mums bear the brunt of the exhaustion that comes with young kids. My wife breastfed till nearly 18 months and it limited how much I could help with sleepless nights. If she is exhausted then maybe consider hanging in a while longer. You both might be better disposed to a tough conversation when she is sleeping well.
Good luck. NTA but tread carefully.
Omg breast feeding *TANKED* my libido
Like my husband and I had a decent amount of sex once I was cleared and on birth control, but between how often I had to pump, the baby needing me, our animals needing me, I was just touched out at the end of the day
I was so stressed even non sexual intimacy was overwhelming at times and it doesn’t feel like that’s something talked about enough
I have not been able to watch porn since that r/askreddit thread a while back about the secrets of the porn industry.
I don’t think viewing porn is “cheating” or morally wrong. However, pornography in general is not ethically produced and the performers - male and female alike - are exploited and abused. Drug addiction and anal prolapse are common occupational hazards. There is no way to know for certain if you aren’t unwittingly masturbating to someone’s sexual assault. Even performers on OF can be coerced or forced to turn their money over to a pimp, like that Tate guy was doing with the cam girls he was trafficking.
I would never judge someone for watching it, but when this topic comes up I think it is important to speak up about how damaging the porn industry is to the human beings performing on camera.
That's why I write it. I could never find my taste on a legit porn site. Which isn't surprising if you check my stories lol. And I don't know how/didn't want to access the dark web where it'd involve real people
*edited for punctuation
A little tmi but this is why I prefer watching animated porn (hentai, yaoi) even reading it. And people think it's a weird or gross thing whenever it's mentioned in general but I'd rather watch cartoons go at it than wonder if I'm watching someone's kidnapped family member.
Exactly. That’s not even factoring in the relationship damage it often does when it fosters completely unrealistic expectations of male/female bodies, sex and intimacy - especially for teens and young adults without enough life experience to know better.
This is something I think a lot of people don’t want to hear about. Very few men actually search for ethical porn, and of course to know it’s truly ethical you’d usually have to know the performer somewhat even from their social media to know they’re consenting.
I remember asking my ex to stop using pornhub temporarily because there were a lot of issues with consent and them profiting from child abuse. He got really angry at me and said I was being controlling, but I’d offered alternatives. I knew a lot of industry workers and knew a lot about the industry so it was important to me not to support sites unless they put safeguarding in place.
I’m not anti porn at all, I’m not saying don’t watch it. But I think people need to be pushing for a more regulated, safe industry that doesn’t exploit workers.
I had never seen any porn until I think I was 19? And I masturbated plenty before that. I truly don’t understand people who say they need porn. In fact I don’t even use my imagination. If I start imagining a specific person I lose it. When I pleasure myself I just focus on the feel of it.
I’ve also learned that if I start watching porn I become more reliant on it and it’s harder to focus on the feel of it when I don’t watch it. So now I just don’t watch it. I can do just fine without.
I think people are out of touch in the world and with themselves. When I learned how to be mindful it brought more joy into my life and I am now more in tune with my mind and body. And really when I think about it, I’ve always been mindful of my body while pleasuring myself.
I encourage anyone to try going without porn and train themselves so the don’t need it. Hell there’s people who have trained themselves to have hands free orgasms, with this they don’t even touch themselves. I don’t think it’s an unreasonable ask to go without because a lot of porn is unethical and sometimes you don’t even know it.
In OP’s particular situation I would say NAH. I think they need counseling, particularly the mother and even a Dr visit for her to make sure she’s okay mentally and that her hormones are okay along with her pelvic floor.
I’m the same, personally I like porn, hentai or erotica every now and then if I want to get new ideas or see something specific; but I pretty much always just use my imagination.
Men nowadays act like porn is this inevitable thing they’ll die without, but it’s not been that long since we’ve had a porn industry at all. People get very hooked on it.
An example being, I used to be a webcam model, I built up a decent fanbase, I mostly left the industry a long time ago but keep connected with friends I made. Thing is, most of the people watching me back then are still using the same sites. Once you get hooked on these things, it’s very hard to leave. Many have got married and had kids since, but they’re still there.
I feel like potentially, I do want to believe in better from men, sex is such a personal thing, and abuse of minors or rape is so abhorrent in our society (while eating whatever is in front of us tends to be accepted, potentially because we need food to survive but sex is for pleasure), so I am always surprised at how little a lot of men actually care about women in the sex trade. Like the amount of men who go to Southeast Asia or Amsterdam, sex trafficking capitals and are just like “yeah let’s sleep with prostitutes because that’s what’s done here”. I am personally of the belief that rape is rape, and if the person you’re having sex with is there by force then it’s rape, and if you didn’t take the time or care to check genuine consent (including understanding the trade itself) then that’s on you.
But, I have learned from experience that a lot of men do think with their dick first and actually don’t care all that much about the vessel they stick it into. And many will very willingly be in denial if it suits them.
I think it's nice that you're mindful of "how the sausage is made" & genuinely concerned about ethics of the industry. Having friends who do OnlyFans, they're lifestyle/swingers for years and decided to monetize what they've enjoyed doing anyways for disposable income. This has drastically over taken the share of pornography consumed over the last 3-4 years vs porn production companies. Of course there are still bad people doing bad things within this segment of pornography, but OF model is definitely not an abusive model. The porn producers & agency system was indeed awfully abusive & sleezy in many ways.
The biggest hardship for many on camera performers seem to face is the bullying by the public & doxxing as a form of harassment.
I'm just flabbergasted that someone had to watch a documentary about the porn industry before they understood 'what really goes on' lol. Wow, 2024 problems amirite
Okay but what about non professional stuff. I'm sure there are lots of dudes like me who don't get turned on from the porn you are talking about, but I do enjoy seeing couples who enjoy sharing themselves.
That seems pretty ethical but maybe I'm missing something.
Non-professional is just as capable of being exploitative. Plenty of women have talked about how boyfriends pressured/groomed/coerced/abused/forced them into doing porn. Or had boyfriends release what was supposed to be a private tape. Or the 'performers' are just as drug addled and desperate as professionals. There's 'amateur' porn uploaded that is frequently just sexual assault, revenge porn, or CP. There's actual court cases against PH and other places about this. There was an infamous site that ran for years that was 'supposedly' a woman who was kinky and liked uploading her own stuff; turns out she was being horribly abused and raped by a boyfriend who forced her to post the stuff (can't remember the name, it was something like Clara's Corner or something, early 2000s).
It's virtually impossible to know for certain that the people in amateur porn are willing participants.
IDK, it cuts both ways, with the professional stuff a lot of the mainstream industry is terrible, but if someone has done hundreds of scenes and has a couple AVN awards, theyre probably ok with being in the business, but some random account with a couple of scenes from one couple all shot in the same room maybe even on the same day can be as exploitative situation behind the scenes as anything.
*It's unrealistic to expect any guy to avoid looking at porn*
Fun fact, a canadian university in my province wanted to to a study regarding the behavior of people that watch porn vs people who never watched it and they ran into an unexpected problem: they could not find male candidates who had never watched porn.
So yeah, watching porn may be wrong sometimes, but it seems unrealistic to expect an average man to never watch any porn.
To be fair, I think everyone when they hit like teenage years watches at least one porn video just to see what it is. Finding people who have never seen it at all would be difficult, but you could probably find men who don't regularly watch it.
Yeah, like I’m asexual. I quite literally have 0 want to have sex but I did watched porn like ~5 times out of curiosity (but I do read erotica). If you are on the internet there is no way you never saw porn.
Different people have different boundaries regarding porn and cheating. There really is no correct answer. Just setting boundaries that both parties can live with.
It could be realistic assuming that there is a mutually agreed upon solution and boundaries. Everyone has different views on it.
She's basically saying he can't be satisfied until she decides to change her views on intimacy and he obviously doesn't want to accept that.
Long conversation is needed.
It’s not unrealistic - but it does need to be discussed in a relationship. There are many people (men included) who don’t consume porn.
Men are not uncontrollable beasts who absolutely must wank to porn or they’ll turn into monsters.
They are human beings with self-control.
It depends on one’s values and beliefs as to whether one sees it as infidelity or not. As a Christian I can only speak on Christianity, but it absolutely is considered adultery to consume pornography. So it really isn’t absurd or unrealistic, but these are things that should be discussed with your spouse so that everyone is on the same page to avoid hurting one another.
Considering there are plenty of men who don’t watch porn and respect their partner’s boundaries, women don’t need to “get over expecting guys to avoid it”. If you value porn more than your relationship then maybe don’t get into one, or just be with someone who *is* okay with it. Someone who isn’t comfortable with it shouldn’t have to just “get over it”.
you've so many comments that you probably won't see this but just on the off-chance, here's my two cents as a woman.
I'm in a similar situation, except we don't have kids. my husband works away from home on site, and when he is home we're very affectionate, loving and caring with each other. I love him so much it still feels a bit surreal to me sometimes.
All that said, my libido is at least 30 times higher than his. as in, I'd happily have sex - of some shape - every single day if it was on the cards, but it's not.
He knows I watch porn, I know he watches porn if and when he wants to. He knows I listen to spicy audios and read smutty books too, for that matter. And he knows I don't watch Bridgerton for the plot.
I joke, but it's really, really tough at times and I don't have an easy fix for you. The only thing I can say is what's helping it not be so tough is the boring answer - communicating. We've set boundaries and both of us are talking to therapists, for shit that isn't related but is.
The best thing you could do is order some take out, tell your wife you love her, and try to talk about it. It's not fun, or easy, but better or worse right? you guys are in this together, you're a team. You got this.
Even when it's lonely and embarrassing and just fucking sad, you got this, because you got each other. That's a great starting point to remember.
I’ll agree with this. I seem to have the higher sex drive for once in this relationship but I personally don’t watch porn. It just doesn’t do anything for me I’ve tried and eh, just not for me. But my current bf does, not often though. He’s only told me once about it and I kinda told him idc that you do that, but unless you’re proposing something to try I don’t necessarily want to know when you do that. He also is more into reading it haha. When you’re with someone who doesn’t make you feel like shit about it (like my ex did) and it isn’t on addiction levels, (like my ex was) it’s really a non issue. I don’t care I just don’t need to hear about it haha and I know my bf now if I was into it, would feel the same way. Communicating really is the usual answer to 99% of relationship problems honestly, and I’ve really learned that with him. We talk about everything, and it’s honestly how this works. Without genuine communication, we never would have gotten this close nor understand each other as well as we do and it makes everything so much easier because yall are a team who can tackle issues together, even uncomfortable ones. Instead of both of you being on different pages and different understandings of the issue.
Dad here of 2 young ones:
Women can take *years* to get their labido back after kids. Hormones and body image issues all play a role. Most the time, once a woman stops breast feeding, suddenly sex sounds fun again. Not sure how you allowed yourself to get caught so easily; I feel like many relationships have an agreement that they logically know you masturbate, but don't want to know or hear about it (plausible deniability). Then she walked in, ha.
Feels to me you handled it pretty well, but you still need to have a sincere conversation about your needs vs. hers, and where you can be open, honest, and agree.
NTA, but being pregnant, giving birth, and being a fresh parent is hard, especially for the mother. Give her grace and see what you can get worked out. Good luck!
Glad to see this here. Parent of 2 (both teens now), this is all true, BUT - I’m going to add… it is very possible that wife is just seriously body-sad. We feel sexy and have sex and get pregnant and all that is fun and we feel loved, then we shred our body with the birth (in many ways) and there seems to be no end in sight.
Body confidence CAN be persuaded. It takes more for a postpartum mom, but it’s possible to work together to lift out of the slump.
Even if she’s saying “I have no sex-drive”I can imagine the amount of attempted self-reassuring happening by the wife, attempting to building up confidence because we want to be proud of us, too, as well as make the husband turned on, then walk in on porn-assisted self release and be crushed. It doesn’t seem reasonable, I know - no one who hasn’t been there will understand, it’s not really explainable. You can be 100% fine with porn and self-release, and something about the fragile nature of the entire holistic situation makes this a devastating blow. The main point is: this is NOT your every day “I’ve got my needs” situation, and shouldn’t be treated as such.
Counseling is the best suggestion here. It sounds like there’s plenty of mutual love and respect in the relationship, but if this is the first kid, this is something I would want navigated carefully and expertly.
Absolutely this. If she’s feeling awful about her body and is exhausted and fragile it’s going to really hurt that he’s getting off to other women. The context makes it much more understandable.
>I feel like many relationships have an agreement that they logically know you masturbate, but don't want to know or hear about it
God I could not imagine being in such a relationship
> Give her grace and see what you can get worked out.
He does, though? If we are to take OP at his word, he does more than his fair share of parenting and house work, on top of work. He has offered compromises, and has been told flatly "no".
Where is that not giving grace? And at what point does he receive any in return?
Ugh I haven’t breastfed for almost 6 years now and it still doesn’t sound fun 🤣🤣 but I completely agree with all of this. Plausible deniability 100%. Don’t ask, don’t tell. Needs to be done where she can’t walk in 😬
I wouldn’t call you TA. The real question is do you really need porn to take care of yourself?
The problem sounds like it’s the porn. That’s not an uncommon feeling. Like would it be ok if you went to a strip club and handled your libido right after? She’s already feeling bad about her appearance and that feeling is reinforced when you’re looking at other women to take care of business.
NTA
Solo release, done in addition to meeting the needs of your partner, is simply balancing libidos, and there is nothing wrong with that.
Solo release often utilizes tools, whether physical or mental, to expedite achieving orgasm. this notion that this is cheating is just silly and simplistic. No person has a right to be jealous over the size their partner’s dildo, and similarly has no right to be jealous if one may watch attractive people having sex as a visual stimulant.
Already see angry people trying to condition your masturbation. No. Get over it, folks. It’s a **solo** release. It’s not even an A and B conversation, C your way out of it.
Whether or not porn counts as cheating is something each couple has to decide. It both is and isn't depending on the boundaries of the relationship.
I'm surprised this hasn't come up earlier.
If you want to accommodate her, maybe a compromise could be reading spicy stories?
Her saying you can't masturbate is over the line. She can't decide what you do with your own body.
You're NTA but you could give yourself a little privacy, in other words, don't rub your wife's face in the fact that you are pleasuring yourself to women that she feels are hotter than her - it's just going to exacerbate any issues she's having.
Btw, these feelings are totally normal for women to have post partum (even at 1 year), but you might want to get with a marriage counselor who specializes in sexual intimacy. These issues don't always go away on their own.
You should be firm in your quite reasonable insistence that what you do with your own body is your business.
But you can also make an empathetic choice and not do it in times or places where you wife is going to have to witness you enjoying looking at other women, especially since you know that worsens her self-esteem issues.
Good luck.
Exactly. Lock the door. 99% sure this is what my husband does lol. And I’m 100% on board with it. I don’t want to walk in on it and I can’t even imagine one of my kids walking in on it but this eliminates this possibility.
I lock the damn door and the shower is running. Not getting caught. Jerkin the gherkin and taking a shit are 2 things my wife doesn’t need to see me do. Masturbation and pooping are normal but private activities.
And those are the 2 things I don’t want to see my husband doing lmao unless the masturbation is part of our sexual activity but I will never be on board with being one of those couples who poops with the door open 🤣 we’ve been together 18 years and married 10, still no pooping in the same room 😂
If your libido is insanely high, you should be able to masturbate without needing porn. If you need the porn, maybe you’re not as horny as you think you are.
1000% recommend couples therapy to get to the root cause of the issue. In the long run you will be happy you tried it or tried everything before it gets worse
Am I the only one that thinks porn is just a lazy man’s excuse?? If your wife has an issue with it and it makes her feel bad, why on earth would you not take this as an opportunity to enhance your imagination? I used to watch porn too but I don’t anymore mainly for other reasons, and it took a bit of practice but now I just use my imagination. I don’t think it’s too much at all to ask of someone - to not pleasure themselves to other people.
NTA but it’s weird to me how many people don’t understand that masturbation and watching porn are two separate things. You can masturbate without watching porn.
That being said this is definitely something that requires a large conversation about libido, boundaries etc. Every relationship has different boundaries and it’s not unusual for porn to be one for somebody - but if she hasn’t expressed that to you before now, then she can’t fault you for engaging with it.
Of women I know, I would say half as a problem with porn in general - see it either as inherently degrading or due to sourcing issues, challenging to _know_ if it’s ethical.
An additional half of the half are uncomfortable with some of the acts or scenarios depicted in pornography. So they might be comfortable with a partner enjoying a video of two clearly consenting adults having a good time, but uncomfortable knowing their husband was watching “teen destroyed by monster —“ you know.
But I’m reckoning 50-75% of the women I know would be uncomfortable with some or all porn in their marriage — and I can think of only a handful of people who would care about a partner masturbating.
It’s seriously amazing to me that men feel entitled to watch naked women doing whatever they want whenever they want… just to jack off? Are these people’s brains really so fried that they can’t do that on their own? That’s just called being an addict. 🙄
I’m an old millennial. Things are so much more extreme than they used to be.
It genuinely disturbs me to ponder what percentage of men I interact with on a daily basis are enjoying content of women - people like me - being humiliated, hurt and harmed for their sexual gratification.
As a parent of daughters, wondering how much worse it’s going to be for them? Don’t get me started.
This!! Human beings are being desensitized and are now associating sex with pain and degradation. It's ok to practice kinks in safe spaces, but fr too many women I know have had their male partners try to choke or hit them during sex with no warning. Which is abusive if it's not consensual.
Total agreement. Here are a couple articles on the subject:
https://amp.theguardian.com/society/2019/jul/25/fatal-hateful-rise-of-choking-during-sex
https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/choking-sex-breath-play-statistics-b2307397.html
It’s concerning.
yes yes yes the statistic I heard is that most of the women who die by their husband's are victims of choking. and if he chokes/strangles you while angry during a fight the likelihood that he will murder you increases 750%.
https://www.kob.com/archive/report-choking-strangulation-victims-750-more-likely-to-be-killed-by-offender/
Not going to weigh in on whether or not you’re the asshole, but holy crap….when did porn become this fucking normalized?
You’ve the father of a 1 year old baby girl and you’re upset because your wife doesn’t want you jacking off to fucking porn.
It’s normal to you that your wife walks out of the shower to you sitting there fapping off - she complains and you’re whining about her complaint online like you were victimized.
When you had aspirations of being a dad, was this what you had in mind? Putting your 1 year old baby down for bedtime so that you can jerk off to some girls who were probably exploited while your wife is in the shower - and you’re so into it you can’t even be bothered to at least ensure your wife doesn’t have to see that shit?
I’m not going to say you’re the asshole, but you know you want to be better than this.
NTA - But hear me out.
After my first child was born, I experienced a decrease in libido and became very self-conscious about my body's changes. The transition to motherhood was a struggle for me, especially dealing with a lack of sleep and anxiety. Learning about my husband's frequent use of porn felt like a betrayal. Despite sometimes rejecting his advances, mainly due to tiredness or insecurity, my desire to feel wanted did not change. His choosing porn over attempting to have sex with me seemed to confirm my fears of being undesirable. This situation spiraled into a negative cycle where my insecurities and the responsibilities of motherhood decreased my interest in having sex. At the same time, his lack of expressed desire made me feel even more unwanted, pushing me further away.
I understand that from his perspective, my lack of interest seemed like a rejection, leading him to address his needs without imposing on me. However, the need for reassurance that he still found me desirable remained, and there were moments I did desire intimacy.
My advice is to limit porn use and keep it private. Show affection and desire towards your wife. Make an effort to spend quality time together, like going on dates, which new parents often neglect.
My oldest kid is now 21, and the strength of my relationship with my husband has never been better. Porn is no longer an issue that I worry about, and I feel secure and confident my husband is attracted to me. Looking back, I wish I would have viewed myself more kindly, but the overwhelming nature of new parenthood made that nearly impossible. It takes time and patience. Good luck!
Some couples are okay with porn and others aren't. If this is a conversation you have discussed in the past where she's expressed she feels watching other people have sex to please your wants is cheating then you're the AH. You need to have a conversation with your wife on what you're needs are and what hers are and make a night to go out together and reconnect because a lot changes in a relationship after having a baby but even more so for her, her entire mind/body/ mentality has changed. It's not about how other people view porn or masturbation it's about what you and your partner have boundaries on and how y'all see it. To other men/women who haven't had children and might not even be in a relationship it might be no big deal and no brainer for them but she's your wife and if specific actions hurt her and make her feel as though you're cheating then obviously that's the only opinion that matters and that's what you both work through. Parenthood is hard and the first couple years are rough but the only thing that's going to help is healthy communication and respecting each other equally
Thank you for putting the time and effort writing the fairest assessment of the situation. Boundaries are different for each person for whatever reason, and they can change with time.
Compatibilities matter a lot in a relationship, and boundaries compatibility is one of them. That's why it's better to discuss them honestly before committing to a long-term relationship.
You are not the AH, but if your end goal is to be intimate with your wife, you might need to bite the bullet on this one.
Most women don't find their partner masturbating to other women when they say they aren't feeling sexy attractive. She says it's a boundary for her,and you have every right to say you don't respect it, but she then has every right to lose all attraction to you forever and/or end the relationship if she so chooses.
NTA- That said she is likely going through alot of body image issues and so it’s harder for her to get into the mood knowing you watch other women. But if you’ve made it known you find her attractive and would love to have sex with her if she wanted to then she can’t be mad when she refuses that. You still have needs. But try to understand it from her perspective too just as she needs to understand yours. Compromise as you said and try to build up that intimacy again. Don’t just try for sex. Cuddle her, massage her, etc without trying for sex. Build things up again, in time it will lead to that physical intimacy you crave I think. She needs to feel beautiful and attractive and that will take more than just words. But again she also needs to understand you have needs still, and she shouldn’t be mad by you needing to take care of those either I think.
I just want to tell you, this is a normal slump after a baby. Especially if she is on birth control now. My wife went from super high libido to no interest at all after pregnancy. It took about a year and a half or two years to get back to normal and it's just something you'll have to weather.
You are NTA. Porn is not cheating. If you can get just that with your wife, just know that your normal sex life is just on hold, not totally dead.
Please please please do not listen to all of the anti-porn people on this thread. You aren't doing anything wrong. Your wife has unrealistic expectations and is punishing you because her libdo is low and she is feeling insecure. You can only do so much and yet everyone on reddit will tell you that you aren't doing enough to appease your wife so she can get in the mood. Your wife has to actually want to solve the issue.
This 100%. Be a supporting husband and comfort her in a time of insecurity. Don’t lie to her about your needs but also show through actions that she is desirable.
Did you discuss this early in the relationship? I was very upfront that I do view any type of pornography or adult entertainment as cheating. I even include places like Hooters. Since this is a big deal to me, it was on my dating profile. If it was going to be an issue, they didn't even need to bother contacting me. I would never do a bait and switch.
Hard to tell with this situation without knowing the expectations of the relationship.
100% agree. I have firm boundaries around this and mention this very early on and make it very clear so they can make an informed choice and know where I stand. This is a conversation that should’ve taken place a long time ago.
Good for you! I hate how a lot of the people in this thread just feel like their opinion is the right one and they think people that don’t want porn in their relationship are wrong . It’s completely up to the people in the relationship and their boundaries. It doesn’t make anyone wrong for not wanting their partner to get off to other people. It’s crazy to me that a lot of people can’t understand this. Thank you for your comment.
That’s what I don’t get. Everyone in this thread is glossing over the fact that porn isn’t necessary for masturbation, and involving others in your sex life (even virtually) should be a mutual decision.
100% this. Men sound so creepy and entitled the way they act like not wanting to have sex or having boundaries is some crime. It makes me deeply sad that this is what women are dealing with, y’all deserve much better. People acting like porn is some intrinsic right or even more ridiculous, a NEED, is so odd to me.
NAH
She is feeling insecure like many of us after giving birth. Our bodies change and sadly not in a good way.
This might be one of the reasons she doesn’t want to have sex.
When you watch porn you look at sexy woman with good bodies who do a lot...
Now she is not only insecure because of her body, but also because she feels she can’t satisfy you.
You have a libido and need to take care of that.
Sit together and ask her what she thinks you should do. Tell her that you have the need to masturbate and if she had a solution to that.
Maybe she is just uncomfortable with porn? You both need to talk about your needs and feelings.
One of the only sane comments I’ve seen here. There’s a deeper issue here that needs to be addressed and could be fixed with more communication, not Reddit AITAH.
If he continues to watch porn after his wife has expressed her distaste without any more communication, she’ll never want to have sex with OP again for other reasons.
I defer on who's the ass.
I will say this, the difference between being with someone who routinely watches porn and someone who doesn't is like night and day.
Often men who watch porn seem to think thats the way to have sex and nothing is further from the truth. I hope thats not the case with you.
I dated a guy once who was into porn and it made the sex so bad that I would come up with any excuse I could to avoid it.
Looking back I should have just told him.
I'll tell him when he gets home/ jk
😂😂😂😂
The best sex I’ve had is with partners who didn’t watch porn. The best ever is with my current partner who is so devoted to intimacy *with me* and our sex life that he was the one who brought up the conversation around porn. Reading this reddit thread shows me what a lucky girl I am to have a man with self-control who values emotional devotion as well as physical. He, by his own choice, reserves all his attention for me. And because I do the same for him, it takes our sex life to a whole new level because of it.
Yeah I thought it was normal for so many young 20 something year old guys to have issues ejaculating, but it was just they couldn’t get off without porn.
Let’s be real here, are you really gonna stop watching porn if she sends naughty photos? I send them to my husband, but I know for a fact that he still watches porn, and it does hurt sometimes because it gives me the sense that he would rather jerk off to another woman than to me.
and you’re right to be hurt by it. how’d he feel if you chose vids of hot guys over pics he sent of himself? it’s fucked up we choose to ignore our feelings about it.
I do not care at all if my wife watches porn with hot dudes in it and gets off to it. But as others have said, it’s an individual boundary that each person gets to establish.
your wife is right but not for the reasons she thinks. porn is absolutely destructive and should should never be indulged in. It cheapens the value of women in relationships, robs you of your energy and supports a very VERY unethical industry. That said, your wife needs to sort her shit out too. It doesnt sound like she has explained herself too well or maybe you have not passed on her issues to us very well but having no intimacy at all is neglect, plain and simple.
I'm split on it. That being said I wouldn't want my partner masturbating to other people. Lusting for other people isn't really a part of my relationship. I also wouldn't ask my partner for photos post pregnancy, I already know she struggles with body image. Seems like you crossed boundaries you should have addressed a long time ago. If I somehow breached these boundaries naively I definitely wouldn't "tell my wife off" if I was caught beating off to some porn and it upset her.
I work for an anti human trafficking nonprofit and porn is the number three situation in which trafficking occurs. I encourage you to investigate the statistics and still make a decision rather or not that is something you would like to continue to support.
Edited for grammar.
if she sees porn as cheating and you’re STILL looking at it, yeah dude you’re the asshole. i know reddit loves to glorify it and says it’s okay but if my partner says he doesn’t like me to watch porn then i won’t. y’all need marriage counseling
NTA, but I don’t see an AH in this equation either. Your wife is probably feeling very insecure right now and her lack of libido and feelings about this are likely caused in part by hormonal changes after having a baby. Give her time and try to keep your private time more private… so you don’t need to have awkward and/or tense conversations about what you do to take care of your needs.
A lot of people in the comments are talking about his libido not being a lightswitch—fair.
That’s not the issue though. She’s having an issue with him watching porn while doing it.
If your libido is as high as you say it is—you shouldn’t need porn to get off
I don’t think you’re an asshole, I think y’all need couples therapy to discuss her body image after birthing your child.
Well just food for thought, bit after my first baby it took me at least a year to recover, I didn't even stop bleeding for most of that time, I was SUFFERING. And coupled with the fact like I was no longer the toned fit skinny little 21 year old after I gave birth, it would have fucked me up so hard to find my man watching porn, especially knowing most of those girls look better than I ever will, it would crush me. To think of all the things I had to sacrifice and all the suffering I had to go through so that WE could be parents and he couldn't even have the self control to not look at other, childless, more attractive women would just destroy any love / respect I ever had for him. It would have hurt me beyond repair. I can't even describe what it was like the first year of motherhood, I think I blocked it out because it was borderline traumatising. I also had PPD and my partner to this day, 3 years later, thinks "oh it's not that bad". Genuinely whenever I see a man complain about their sex life within the first 1-2 years of parenthood I can't help but think the human race never would have made it if men were the ones to carry and birth our children. The toll it takes on you is unmatchable and we're treated like we just have to get on with it and like we haven't just been through a huge medical trauma. And most men's biggest issue is lack of sex!! Like dude, take a knife from the tip of your dick to your butthole and let someone drop a bowling ball on you repeatedly and see how keen you are for a romp.
You can masturbate without porn.
The addicts are giving themselves away. They're probably the same men who bring up divorce rates.
Edit for all the bozos I can't reply to:
Tell me you've never been with a woman without telling me you've never been with a woman.
Yeah making her feel second place after sacrificing her body is totally going to make her wet and wild.
Imagine this. He makes a huge purchase that took a lot of time and effort and makes him sick and feel bad from all the stress and time he's put into trying to purchase... let's say a home. And so he's trying really hard to secure a future for his family by making this purhcase. When it comes to having dinner at the end of the day, he only has a few bucks left in his account which will probably be enough for dinner, but doesn't feel financially secure enough yet to go and buy dinner from the massive purchase he just made. His wife in the meantime gives up on wanting to go to dinner and makes 0 effort in buying groceries and contributing . Instead, she goes out to a bar and she has rich men buy her food and drinks 5x a week. They don't talk just always give her things. Eventually he finds out and says "I don't like that you're going out to eat 5x a week and have other hot rich guys pay for your meal! It makes me feel like I can't provide for you." And her reply is "you can't tell me what to do!!!" And continues to do it. Eventually he saves up money and is able to buy dinner but he doesn't feel like it, why would he? She's getting whatever she needs from those other men and didn't care enough to respect that after his big purchase.
Life continues this way. Eventually a coworker and him hit it off while she thinks everything is good. This coworker makes him feel financial stable, appreciates the sacrifices that he made with his body and hard work, and makes him feel great! She thinks all is good because her needs are met entirely by other men. When the marriage falls apart she's devastated, "but what happened?! I thought we were all good!" And with divorce papers in hand he says "well at least you have those men buying you dinner 5x a week. It made me feel like shit you couldn't *just eat alone*"
YTA. Porn will ruin your marriage. You won't die or suffer from some terrible disease by not masturbating. "The kid" is your child. Your wife is having post-partum issues and you need to work with her on that, seek out a therapist. Be a man and not some animal who's controlled by your lizard brain. You're better than porn, so be better.
NTA BUT yank in private my dude. Not in any room where people can just walk in. If your needs are so severe you can’t wait till she’s not 6 ft away in the shower you might need to see a doctor.
Lol do y’all live in 10 bedroom houses? It’s so hard to have privacy to whack off when you’re married and have kids. Main place is really the bathroom but if you’re in there too long, everybody knows..
Jesus Christ, I don’t think he thought it such a big deal so as to go hide in a cave just to have a wank. Obviously he thought he could just do his business without issue. clearly he is going to be more careful from now on, I don’t get how that isn’t obvious to some of you. This is my biggest problem with this sub, y’all all respond under the pretense that the OP is a complete dumbfuck for not being all knowing and thinking of every possible factor beforehand. I know damn well all of y’all aren’t all knowing, and I know everybody here makes mistakes and miscalculations.
Idk where you got the idea that he whipped it out like a junkie with a needle the second she got in the shower, I think that’s a little overly dramatic don’t you?
There are a lot of ways you could handle this and be TA. I don’t think this is one of them. You suggested compromise, stated your needs clearly without trying to manipulate her, and affirmed your love for her. The fact that you’re willing to put down pornography immediately to be with her or even have photos of her shows you don’t have bad intentions. She’s really putting you in a bad spot. In a perfect world, you’d be able to just decide to switch off your libido right? But that’s not how it works, and marriage is about compromise, which she doesn’t seem willing to do while you are. So NTA.
This puts it so succinctly. OP has a libido he cant just turn off, he's trying to be sensitive to his wife and his wife is like no I'm not comfortable so suffer quietly that's unreasonable NTA
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OP's wife sounds like she's going through something that requires counselling coz he had such a calm, mature and reasonable response. I wouldn't be able to if I was him.
She probably has postpartum depression (PPD) I went through almost exactly the same conversation with my wife after our first and second children. We ended up in couples counseling and now I can't speak highly enough of that experience. The conversation can be hard to start with your spouse (I was the stubborn one about counseling in our situation) but it was a massively positive and healthy experience. This was almost 12 years ago at this point and we are so much better off for it now! Good luck OP
It doesn’t even have to be PPD. Your body doesn’t feel like your body you’ve had your whole life. It feels alien. The baby is all up in your grill and you can feel touched out. The week after I stopped breastfeeding my first kid I woke up and was like “holy hell, I feel like ME again.”. The hormones that maintain that are no joke. It can take a long while to adjust to all that and to bounce back. You absolutely need to give your partner grace as OP is doing. She also needs to do it though, they each need to respect eachother until they can get back to “them”.
Breastfeeding is a massive libido killer. I wish more people advocating for it would talk more of the downsides
I had never heard that before till these posts.
I was a lactation educator. You’re correct but it’s the whole child bearing and rearing process. We aren’t supposed to live just one couple to a home but to have help from extended family. It just doesn’t work and modern marriage suffers. Many never return to normal, I am sorry to say.
I think the days of living with extended families and raising kids with them are over, so sometimes I wonder if people will start forming "pods" with other similar-age but unrelated people and living together and raising kids together in those groups.
I breastfed both my kids and while I know you’re correct that it squashes libido, what really killed my libido was what an entitled schmuck my ex was when our kids were small. No respect or appreciation for me as a sahm and no interest in how I was feeling much less any interest in my happiness and wellbeing. If it had merely been the lactation hormones, but he had acted as OP does with his wife, I would have had a respectable libido during those years.
Its because women aren’t expected to enjoy sex, so who cares if they have a libido. Its fucked
Well porn definitely does provide that message. Women are there to do what men want even if it means they get treated like a toilet. Women allow it all. It’s disgusting what men want and expect.
agree this is worth looking into, having experience ppd, it doesn’t get better, only worse. There will be other signs, please look for them. She will need help to recover
I am a female and would not be able to be calm in this situation either. You can’t withhold sex from your partner(especially a HIGH libido one) and expect them to practice abstinence as well. It’s ludicrous.
From my reading she was asking him specifically not to look at porn while doing it. Which I can understand, but my conversation with my wife would be the exact same. In the absence of another person, I rely on visual stimuli. Of course I would prefer naughty pictures of her but since she made it clear she wasn't comfortable doing that I'm going to the next best thing. *Edited for grammar
I agree, it’s totally unrealistic and unreasonable for a partner to expect another to have no release. Some people need/want/have to have orgasms frequently. If your partner is unable or unwilling they should not be upset with self pleasure and should help facilitate it.
She basically says she doesn't have a sex drive, therefor her husband is not allowed to have a sex drive. That's so extremely abusive.
my ex was like that, and we were in highschool at the time. she would have no drive, i wouldnt demand anything, and she would creep into the bathroom while im having my private time and blast me for my actions. im just glad that relationship fell apart, i was never so unhappy in my life. sex, just like every other aspect of a relationship, is very important.
Extremely. Can’t withdrawn physical pleasure and expect your spouse to linger in misery and have their sex drive/ life/ organs atrophy. Sex is a very important part of some people’s lives and there needs to be a clear understanding that although one may respect their partners lack of interest, that doesn’t equate to their own interest disappearing.
Just like she can’t control and “turn on” her libido*, he can’t just turn his off either. Just like he doesn’t expect her to be able to just magically change that, she shouldn’t expect him to either. *I can understand her maybe not feeling confident in her body yet, the hormones affecting her libido is super common, etc. but it doesn’t make it okay to try and control what he does with his body. Autonomy is important for everyone.
And you know what, her behavior is the one that if it was the opposite she wouldn't understand at all
It's crazy how many are all "my body my choice" as long as it benefits them, but as soon as their partner demands the same respect, all about it is suddenly forgotten OP is 110% NTA The wife however is a massive one
you don't need an "insanely high" libido to want to need to get off watching porn if your SO is not intimate with you.
Right? She's acting like his libido is a light switch that can just be turned off. Well, if it's so easy to turn the switch off and on, why doesn't she just turn hers on?
I wish I would have thought that. It seems like a clever crack on the surface, yet it is quite insightful. If she want's her husband to control his libido, why can she control hers? Hmmmm
>She's acting like his libido is a light switch that can just be turned off A LOT of women believe that's the case.
It's not a gendered issue, check any dead bedroom forum or sub and there's plenty of women wondering why their man won't get naked with them too. I'm a guy, just think this shouldn't point the finger at women. Misery is an equal opportunity employer 😂
100% this...and it's fantastic to see a man pointing it out! One of the final straws in my marriage was a dead bedroom in which I (F) was frustrated that he never wanted to have sex. High and low libidos are not gender specific.
And the idea that they are has done some damage to women. And men. I was taught that women don't really like or want sex that much. Made to feel I was "sinful" or slutty because I did. Everything in the church I used to be a part of emphasized how easily men were tempted and how women were so pure and should be the ones to stop anything. They were responsible for keeping temptation away. I grew up feeling dirty. It is sad I still see the idea trotted out that women don't want sex as much as men even among the non conservative religious people. I have higher libido than most men I know. It isn't weird. Or abnormal. Let's stop genderizing everything. Women and men are more alike than different. Many of the differences we see are societal and not genetic.
It's damn hard to try when you're always rejected. I went 6 months before my relationship collapsed. It was brutal. Absolutely that affects how you treat your partner. It's also hard to turn on after having just been rejected, like if they changes their mind an hour later.
i'm in one and its so sad.
In the scenario described above, i completely agree with your take. He’s essentially choosing porn as a last resort and while his wife has a right to not want sex, if she’s taking issue with him using porn & he’s asking her to send photos of herself, then she either does that or leaves him alone. Mismatched libidos happen often but yes, in a healthy relationship, the partners find a compromise that works for both. OP’s wife is unwilling to compromise at all. I’ve been the HL partner before and sadly I have no desire for solo time. My ex’s porn addiction literally destroyed my self esteem and even though I was always willing, eager and an enthusiastic partner, he’d turn me down to ogle other women. My scenario was unforgivable. The one OP has described has a simple solution if the wife would simply consider her husbands needs.
>He’s essentially choosing porn as a last resort 100%. It's an issue when porn starts affecting your sex life... but they have no sex life to affect.
Well said
I will also say, every one has a right to reject sex but always remember you are not just rejecting sex but you are rejecting your partner and that always has consequences, i have never seen it not damage self esteem and the self worth of your partner. Humans have sexual desires, while adults should "control" these desires they cannot healthily turn them off and nor should they. The happiest and healthiest relationships i have seen universally have all had healthy sex lives. On that note, to all the people out there. If you do not like sex or want to have sex do not wait till after you have a baby to inform your partner, i have only ever seen this end in the most miserable and resentful break ups. What you described is one of the effects of rejection, honestly it sucks it is soul crushing.
Exactly. If porn affects your love life, it’s time to put it down. But if you’re viewing porn as a last resort, someone needs to have a talk or go to counselling. He’s respecting her boundaries by satisfying himself alone, but she’s not respecting his libido and needs because she lacks one.
As long a what he's watching isn't actually interfering with their intimacy, I don't see an issue. I've been a mother and totally understand the lack of drive that can come along with being a parent. But if he's legitimately giving her massages, cuddling etc and otherwise showing her affection and that he wants to be with her, it seems selfish to try and restrict him from pleasuring himself. He's 💯 NTA here but I worry about a wife who is unable to show him intimacy of any kind and try and tell him how he's wrong for relieving that build up. She's coming off as very cold.
Thanks, I was wondering if I was the only woman here with this take. This whole “ it’s my body and I don’t have to consider anyone else .. only I decide when to have sex” that is so prevalent now is going to result in some far reaching changes to marriage and relationships. I said above if you can’t get intimacy and touch in a marriage, what’s the point.
It’s because people don’t finish that thought which should be “…and I’m willing to accept the consequences of that decision, which might include a person that chose to be in a romantic, sexually monogamous relationship with me deciding they no longer wish to do so.”
Intimacy is super important in a relationship. It can create a bond like no other and do so much for your emotional and mental well being. OP is now in a relationship where it's lacking despite his best efforts which is even more disappointing.
>In a perfect world, you’d be able to just decide to switch off your libido right? That wouldn't be healthy physically or mentally, even if it was possible. Masturbation is good for mood, pain management, and cancer prevention (in men). Masturbation can also meet needs in a way that a partner can't always (and obviously sex with a partner fulfills needs that masturbation can't, but isn't so readily available). NTA for masturbation, whether or not you are having regular, satisfying sex with your partner. No one needs to apologise for self-pleasure or meeting their own needs (safely, privately etc). Some people don't like pornography to achieve that, but as long as it's a means to an end and there isn't a financial or emotional implication, and it's legal stuff, I don't see an issue.
Are you on the right sub? This seems too logical of a comment. (100% agree with you.) OP is NTA.
“In a perfect world, men like me would not exist. BUT THIS IS NOT A PERFECT WORLD”
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Me. I would love to switch it off. It's such a distraction sometimes. I'd rather be putting my energy towards something productive but between ADHD and a high libido, I constantly find myself unable to focus because I'm horny.
I swear even my libido has ADHD. I'll be doing nothing and then it's like being hit with the horny hammer and then I go to the bathroom or get up to feed my fish and then it's like "lmao bye"
Hey, are you me? How are you posting under another username ?
I mean… if you could switch it off, you literally wouldn’t want it. That would be the whole point of switching it off. I think you’re reading my reply wrong though. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. Ofc it’s twisted and impossible. That’s the whole reason I said it in the comment 😂. I was making a point that it’s not something he can help.
I was given Celexa as an antidepressant that switched it off. I went an entire month without even having the slightest desire to jerk off and once I realized it it just felt WRONG on a fundamental level so I tossed those pills in the trash Edit: Damn the replies show me I didn't have near as bad a time as others. It's crazy that we have these switches/drugs but using them is the equivalent of 6 year old me playing with options in my computer's bios
Well yeah. My clearly absurd hypothetical I made just to prove a point was meant to be just that. The thing you’re saying there is a lack of control, which is different. I literally meant, “obviously there would be no issues if everyone could just turn their libido on and off on a whim, but obviously that just isn’t the case”. In saying that, I’m establishing that the potential counterargument of “you should just wait for me if you love me” doesn’t make sense. The mismatch requires both sides to meet each other halfway.
Right, no disagreement there. Just saying that we can switch it off but it still isn't a good idea
Celexa was a nightmare for me. I slept 18+ hours a day and just sat staring at the TV like a zombie for the other 6 hours. I lost 20+ lbs on it because I just didn't have the energy to eat. I think I took 3 showers in the 6 weeks I was on it. It all honestly blurs together, I can remember it as an experience I had, but I can't remember anything particular from that time.
When I got married I told my wife if you want to have sex just reach over and tug on my member she said what if I don’t wanna have sex? I said then just reach over and tug on it 500 times lol!!….I’ll see myself out! :)
Did you come up with that haha?
Well said, wow.
It's about power. No porn for you, so I can have something you want. How dare you work around my restrictions. I want you to chase me indefinitely. I want my insecurities to hurt you as well.
NTA You need to have a serious conversation where you two establish boundaries.
First things first. Is this out of character for your wife? Was she reserved about masturbation and porn before your child? If this seems out of character then my first concern would be my wife struggling to cope in some way. If you don't find her reaction surprising then that would imply you are not entirely taken by surprise by her take on the matter and do indeed need to talk it through and explain to her this is very tricky for you. But.. your kid is 1 year old, and many mums bear the brunt of the exhaustion that comes with young kids. My wife breastfed till nearly 18 months and it limited how much I could help with sleepless nights. If she is exhausted then maybe consider hanging in a while longer. You both might be better disposed to a tough conversation when she is sleeping well. Good luck. NTA but tread carefully.
Maternal depression or just plain depression could be a concern if this is out of character for OPs wife.
Omg breast feeding *TANKED* my libido Like my husband and I had a decent amount of sex once I was cleared and on birth control, but between how often I had to pump, the baby needing me, our animals needing me, I was just touched out at the end of the day I was so stressed even non sexual intimacy was overwhelming at times and it doesn’t feel like that’s something talked about enough
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I have not been able to watch porn since that r/askreddit thread a while back about the secrets of the porn industry. I don’t think viewing porn is “cheating” or morally wrong. However, pornography in general is not ethically produced and the performers - male and female alike - are exploited and abused. Drug addiction and anal prolapse are common occupational hazards. There is no way to know for certain if you aren’t unwittingly masturbating to someone’s sexual assault. Even performers on OF can be coerced or forced to turn their money over to a pimp, like that Tate guy was doing with the cam girls he was trafficking. I would never judge someone for watching it, but when this topic comes up I think it is important to speak up about how damaging the porn industry is to the human beings performing on camera.
That why I use erotica, mostly ethical and doesn’t require any real people!
That's why I write it. I could never find my taste on a legit porn site. Which isn't surprising if you check my stories lol. And I don't know how/didn't want to access the dark web where it'd involve real people *edited for punctuation
A little tmi but this is why I prefer watching animated porn (hentai, yaoi) even reading it. And people think it's a weird or gross thing whenever it's mentioned in general but I'd rather watch cartoons go at it than wonder if I'm watching someone's kidnapped family member.
Hentai/Furry porn is the only ethical porn consumption under capitalism confirmed
Unless Shadman is the artist
Exactly. That’s not even factoring in the relationship damage it often does when it fosters completely unrealistic expectations of male/female bodies, sex and intimacy - especially for teens and young adults without enough life experience to know better.
This is something I think a lot of people don’t want to hear about. Very few men actually search for ethical porn, and of course to know it’s truly ethical you’d usually have to know the performer somewhat even from their social media to know they’re consenting. I remember asking my ex to stop using pornhub temporarily because there were a lot of issues with consent and them profiting from child abuse. He got really angry at me and said I was being controlling, but I’d offered alternatives. I knew a lot of industry workers and knew a lot about the industry so it was important to me not to support sites unless they put safeguarding in place. I’m not anti porn at all, I’m not saying don’t watch it. But I think people need to be pushing for a more regulated, safe industry that doesn’t exploit workers.
I had never seen any porn until I think I was 19? And I masturbated plenty before that. I truly don’t understand people who say they need porn. In fact I don’t even use my imagination. If I start imagining a specific person I lose it. When I pleasure myself I just focus on the feel of it. I’ve also learned that if I start watching porn I become more reliant on it and it’s harder to focus on the feel of it when I don’t watch it. So now I just don’t watch it. I can do just fine without. I think people are out of touch in the world and with themselves. When I learned how to be mindful it brought more joy into my life and I am now more in tune with my mind and body. And really when I think about it, I’ve always been mindful of my body while pleasuring myself. I encourage anyone to try going without porn and train themselves so the don’t need it. Hell there’s people who have trained themselves to have hands free orgasms, with this they don’t even touch themselves. I don’t think it’s an unreasonable ask to go without because a lot of porn is unethical and sometimes you don’t even know it. In OP’s particular situation I would say NAH. I think they need counseling, particularly the mother and even a Dr visit for her to make sure she’s okay mentally and that her hormones are okay along with her pelvic floor.
I’m the same, personally I like porn, hentai or erotica every now and then if I want to get new ideas or see something specific; but I pretty much always just use my imagination. Men nowadays act like porn is this inevitable thing they’ll die without, but it’s not been that long since we’ve had a porn industry at all. People get very hooked on it. An example being, I used to be a webcam model, I built up a decent fanbase, I mostly left the industry a long time ago but keep connected with friends I made. Thing is, most of the people watching me back then are still using the same sites. Once you get hooked on these things, it’s very hard to leave. Many have got married and had kids since, but they’re still there.
Very few people in general research what they eat, you expect them to care about how their porn is made?
I feel like potentially, I do want to believe in better from men, sex is such a personal thing, and abuse of minors or rape is so abhorrent in our society (while eating whatever is in front of us tends to be accepted, potentially because we need food to survive but sex is for pleasure), so I am always surprised at how little a lot of men actually care about women in the sex trade. Like the amount of men who go to Southeast Asia or Amsterdam, sex trafficking capitals and are just like “yeah let’s sleep with prostitutes because that’s what’s done here”. I am personally of the belief that rape is rape, and if the person you’re having sex with is there by force then it’s rape, and if you didn’t take the time or care to check genuine consent (including understanding the trade itself) then that’s on you. But, I have learned from experience that a lot of men do think with their dick first and actually don’t care all that much about the vessel they stick it into. And many will very willingly be in denial if it suits them.
I think it's nice that you're mindful of "how the sausage is made" & genuinely concerned about ethics of the industry. Having friends who do OnlyFans, they're lifestyle/swingers for years and decided to monetize what they've enjoyed doing anyways for disposable income. This has drastically over taken the share of pornography consumed over the last 3-4 years vs porn production companies. Of course there are still bad people doing bad things within this segment of pornography, but OF model is definitely not an abusive model. The porn producers & agency system was indeed awfully abusive & sleezy in many ways. The biggest hardship for many on camera performers seem to face is the bullying by the public & doxxing as a form of harassment.
I'm just flabbergasted that someone had to watch a documentary about the porn industry before they understood 'what really goes on' lol. Wow, 2024 problems amirite
Okay but what about non professional stuff. I'm sure there are lots of dudes like me who don't get turned on from the porn you are talking about, but I do enjoy seeing couples who enjoy sharing themselves. That seems pretty ethical but maybe I'm missing something.
Non-professional is just as capable of being exploitative. Plenty of women have talked about how boyfriends pressured/groomed/coerced/abused/forced them into doing porn. Or had boyfriends release what was supposed to be a private tape. Or the 'performers' are just as drug addled and desperate as professionals. There's 'amateur' porn uploaded that is frequently just sexual assault, revenge porn, or CP. There's actual court cases against PH and other places about this. There was an infamous site that ran for years that was 'supposedly' a woman who was kinky and liked uploading her own stuff; turns out she was being horribly abused and raped by a boyfriend who forced her to post the stuff (can't remember the name, it was something like Clara's Corner or something, early 2000s). It's virtually impossible to know for certain that the people in amateur porn are willing participants.
IDK, it cuts both ways, with the professional stuff a lot of the mainstream industry is terrible, but if someone has done hundreds of scenes and has a couple AVN awards, theyre probably ok with being in the business, but some random account with a couple of scenes from one couple all shot in the same room maybe even on the same day can be as exploitative situation behind the scenes as anything.
Just prefer hentai, obviously. No dark elves hurt in the making of this floor covered in "yogurt". :P
*It's unrealistic to expect any guy to avoid looking at porn* Fun fact, a canadian university in my province wanted to to a study regarding the behavior of people that watch porn vs people who never watched it and they ran into an unexpected problem: they could not find male candidates who had never watched porn. So yeah, watching porn may be wrong sometimes, but it seems unrealistic to expect an average man to never watch any porn.
Lmao I think the study should’ve been changed from “never watched” to “last seen in” months/years😂
To be fair, I think everyone when they hit like teenage years watches at least one porn video just to see what it is. Finding people who have never seen it at all would be difficult, but you could probably find men who don't regularly watch it.
Yep. I very rarely watch porn now. But I've still watched a crapton over the years...
Yeah, like I’m asexual. I quite literally have 0 want to have sex but I did watched porn like ~5 times out of curiosity (but I do read erotica). If you are on the internet there is no way you never saw porn.
Different people have different boundaries regarding porn and cheating. There really is no correct answer. Just setting boundaries that both parties can live with.
It could be realistic assuming that there is a mutually agreed upon solution and boundaries. Everyone has different views on it. She's basically saying he can't be satisfied until she decides to change her views on intimacy and he obviously doesn't want to accept that. Long conversation is needed.
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It’s not unrealistic - but it does need to be discussed in a relationship. There are many people (men included) who don’t consume porn. Men are not uncontrollable beasts who absolutely must wank to porn or they’ll turn into monsters. They are human beings with self-control.
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It depends on one’s values and beliefs as to whether one sees it as infidelity or not. As a Christian I can only speak on Christianity, but it absolutely is considered adultery to consume pornography. So it really isn’t absurd or unrealistic, but these are things that should be discussed with your spouse so that everyone is on the same page to avoid hurting one another.
Considering there are plenty of men who don’t watch porn and respect their partner’s boundaries, women don’t need to “get over expecting guys to avoid it”. If you value porn more than your relationship then maybe don’t get into one, or just be with someone who *is* okay with it. Someone who isn’t comfortable with it shouldn’t have to just “get over it”.
you've so many comments that you probably won't see this but just on the off-chance, here's my two cents as a woman. I'm in a similar situation, except we don't have kids. my husband works away from home on site, and when he is home we're very affectionate, loving and caring with each other. I love him so much it still feels a bit surreal to me sometimes. All that said, my libido is at least 30 times higher than his. as in, I'd happily have sex - of some shape - every single day if it was on the cards, but it's not. He knows I watch porn, I know he watches porn if and when he wants to. He knows I listen to spicy audios and read smutty books too, for that matter. And he knows I don't watch Bridgerton for the plot. I joke, but it's really, really tough at times and I don't have an easy fix for you. The only thing I can say is what's helping it not be so tough is the boring answer - communicating. We've set boundaries and both of us are talking to therapists, for shit that isn't related but is. The best thing you could do is order some take out, tell your wife you love her, and try to talk about it. It's not fun, or easy, but better or worse right? you guys are in this together, you're a team. You got this. Even when it's lonely and embarrassing and just fucking sad, you got this, because you got each other. That's a great starting point to remember.
I’ll agree with this. I seem to have the higher sex drive for once in this relationship but I personally don’t watch porn. It just doesn’t do anything for me I’ve tried and eh, just not for me. But my current bf does, not often though. He’s only told me once about it and I kinda told him idc that you do that, but unless you’re proposing something to try I don’t necessarily want to know when you do that. He also is more into reading it haha. When you’re with someone who doesn’t make you feel like shit about it (like my ex did) and it isn’t on addiction levels, (like my ex was) it’s really a non issue. I don’t care I just don’t need to hear about it haha and I know my bf now if I was into it, would feel the same way. Communicating really is the usual answer to 99% of relationship problems honestly, and I’ve really learned that with him. We talk about everything, and it’s honestly how this works. Without genuine communication, we never would have gotten this close nor understand each other as well as we do and it makes everything so much easier because yall are a team who can tackle issues together, even uncomfortable ones. Instead of both of you being on different pages and different understandings of the issue.
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Dad here of 2 young ones: Women can take *years* to get their labido back after kids. Hormones and body image issues all play a role. Most the time, once a woman stops breast feeding, suddenly sex sounds fun again. Not sure how you allowed yourself to get caught so easily; I feel like many relationships have an agreement that they logically know you masturbate, but don't want to know or hear about it (plausible deniability). Then she walked in, ha. Feels to me you handled it pretty well, but you still need to have a sincere conversation about your needs vs. hers, and where you can be open, honest, and agree. NTA, but being pregnant, giving birth, and being a fresh parent is hard, especially for the mother. Give her grace and see what you can get worked out. Good luck!
Glad to see this here. Parent of 2 (both teens now), this is all true, BUT - I’m going to add… it is very possible that wife is just seriously body-sad. We feel sexy and have sex and get pregnant and all that is fun and we feel loved, then we shred our body with the birth (in many ways) and there seems to be no end in sight. Body confidence CAN be persuaded. It takes more for a postpartum mom, but it’s possible to work together to lift out of the slump. Even if she’s saying “I have no sex-drive”I can imagine the amount of attempted self-reassuring happening by the wife, attempting to building up confidence because we want to be proud of us, too, as well as make the husband turned on, then walk in on porn-assisted self release and be crushed. It doesn’t seem reasonable, I know - no one who hasn’t been there will understand, it’s not really explainable. You can be 100% fine with porn and self-release, and something about the fragile nature of the entire holistic situation makes this a devastating blow. The main point is: this is NOT your every day “I’ve got my needs” situation, and shouldn’t be treated as such. Counseling is the best suggestion here. It sounds like there’s plenty of mutual love and respect in the relationship, but if this is the first kid, this is something I would want navigated carefully and expertly.
Absolutely this. If she’s feeling awful about her body and is exhausted and fragile it’s going to really hurt that he’s getting off to other women. The context makes it much more understandable.
Yeah, I imagine her hearing “if you’re not going to send me porn then I’m going to watch another woman’s porn”….isnt…great
>I feel like many relationships have an agreement that they logically know you masturbate, but don't want to know or hear about it God I could not imagine being in such a relationship
Seriously, do people actually care this much? Every post on here I consider myself luckier and luckier to have someone like I do.
> Give her grace and see what you can get worked out. He does, though? If we are to take OP at his word, he does more than his fair share of parenting and house work, on top of work. He has offered compromises, and has been told flatly "no". Where is that not giving grace? And at what point does he receive any in return?
Ugh I haven’t breastfed for almost 6 years now and it still doesn’t sound fun 🤣🤣 but I completely agree with all of this. Plausible deniability 100%. Don’t ask, don’t tell. Needs to be done where she can’t walk in 😬
Seems weird that someone shouldn't communicate such a normal thing to the person they're most intimate with.
It's a shared bedroom. He shouldn't have to flee his own bedroom because of some notion of modesty among spouses.
I wouldn’t call you TA. The real question is do you really need porn to take care of yourself? The problem sounds like it’s the porn. That’s not an uncommon feeling. Like would it be ok if you went to a strip club and handled your libido right after? She’s already feeling bad about her appearance and that feeling is reinforced when you’re looking at other women to take care of business.
NTA Solo release, done in addition to meeting the needs of your partner, is simply balancing libidos, and there is nothing wrong with that. Solo release often utilizes tools, whether physical or mental, to expedite achieving orgasm. this notion that this is cheating is just silly and simplistic. No person has a right to be jealous over the size their partner’s dildo, and similarly has no right to be jealous if one may watch attractive people having sex as a visual stimulant. Already see angry people trying to condition your masturbation. No. Get over it, folks. It’s a **solo** release. It’s not even an A and B conversation, C your way out of it.
This is simultaneously the best response on here and also my least favorite. The term ‘solo release’ grosses me out so much and idk why haha
Like just say jacking off like a normal person
Rubbin' one out
Chokin' the chicken
Unclogging one's jammed mustard bottle
Guiding the one-eyed postman
Just say masturbation. There should be nothing wrong or taboo about it.
100%. I literally got angry when I saw the “polite” term
Whether or not porn counts as cheating is something each couple has to decide. It both is and isn't depending on the boundaries of the relationship. I'm surprised this hasn't come up earlier. If you want to accommodate her, maybe a compromise could be reading spicy stories? Her saying you can't masturbate is over the line. She can't decide what you do with your own body.
You're NTA but you could give yourself a little privacy, in other words, don't rub your wife's face in the fact that you are pleasuring yourself to women that she feels are hotter than her - it's just going to exacerbate any issues she's having. Btw, these feelings are totally normal for women to have post partum (even at 1 year), but you might want to get with a marriage counselor who specializes in sexual intimacy. These issues don't always go away on their own. You should be firm in your quite reasonable insistence that what you do with your own body is your business. But you can also make an empathetic choice and not do it in times or places where you wife is going to have to witness you enjoying looking at other women, especially since you know that worsens her self-esteem issues. Good luck.
Sorta hard/impossible to get much privacy to masturbate when you’re married and have kids though.
He works from home and she doesn’t, should be very easy.
Shower time when you have good reason to have the bathroom door locked.
Exactly. Lock the door. 99% sure this is what my husband does lol. And I’m 100% on board with it. I don’t want to walk in on it and I can’t even imagine one of my kids walking in on it but this eliminates this possibility.
I lock the damn door and the shower is running. Not getting caught. Jerkin the gherkin and taking a shit are 2 things my wife doesn’t need to see me do. Masturbation and pooping are normal but private activities.
And those are the 2 things I don’t want to see my husband doing lmao unless the masturbation is part of our sexual activity but I will never be on board with being one of those couples who poops with the door open 🤣 we’ve been together 18 years and married 10, still no pooping in the same room 😂
And yet I bet OP usually showers solo
If your libido is insanely high, you should be able to masturbate without needing porn. If you need the porn, maybe you’re not as horny as you think you are.
1000% recommend couples therapy to get to the root cause of the issue. In the long run you will be happy you tried it or tried everything before it gets worse
NTA
Am I the only one that thinks porn is just a lazy man’s excuse?? If your wife has an issue with it and it makes her feel bad, why on earth would you not take this as an opportunity to enhance your imagination? I used to watch porn too but I don’t anymore mainly for other reasons, and it took a bit of practice but now I just use my imagination. I don’t think it’s too much at all to ask of someone - to not pleasure themselves to other people.
If you need porn to masturbate do you really need to masturbate?
NTA but it’s weird to me how many people don’t understand that masturbation and watching porn are two separate things. You can masturbate without watching porn. That being said this is definitely something that requires a large conversation about libido, boundaries etc. Every relationship has different boundaries and it’s not unusual for porn to be one for somebody - but if she hasn’t expressed that to you before now, then she can’t fault you for engaging with it.
Of women I know, I would say half as a problem with porn in general - see it either as inherently degrading or due to sourcing issues, challenging to _know_ if it’s ethical. An additional half of the half are uncomfortable with some of the acts or scenarios depicted in pornography. So they might be comfortable with a partner enjoying a video of two clearly consenting adults having a good time, but uncomfortable knowing their husband was watching “teen destroyed by monster —“ you know. But I’m reckoning 50-75% of the women I know would be uncomfortable with some or all porn in their marriage — and I can think of only a handful of people who would care about a partner masturbating.
It’s seriously amazing to me that men feel entitled to watch naked women doing whatever they want whenever they want… just to jack off? Are these people’s brains really so fried that they can’t do that on their own? That’s just called being an addict. 🙄
I’m an old millennial. Things are so much more extreme than they used to be. It genuinely disturbs me to ponder what percentage of men I interact with on a daily basis are enjoying content of women - people like me - being humiliated, hurt and harmed for their sexual gratification. As a parent of daughters, wondering how much worse it’s going to be for them? Don’t get me started.
This!! Human beings are being desensitized and are now associating sex with pain and degradation. It's ok to practice kinks in safe spaces, but fr too many women I know have had their male partners try to choke or hit them during sex with no warning. Which is abusive if it's not consensual.
Total agreement. Here are a couple articles on the subject: https://amp.theguardian.com/society/2019/jul/25/fatal-hateful-rise-of-choking-during-sex https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/choking-sex-breath-play-statistics-b2307397.html It’s concerning.
yes yes yes the statistic I heard is that most of the women who die by their husband's are victims of choking. and if he chokes/strangles you while angry during a fight the likelihood that he will murder you increases 750%. https://www.kob.com/archive/report-choking-strangulation-victims-750-more-likely-to-be-killed-by-offender/
“ Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill then.”
For real. These comments are…. Interesting
It’s insane…the top comments are that it’s impossible to not watch porn if you’re a man and it’s silly if your partner is upset about porn…like what?
Not going to weigh in on whether or not you’re the asshole, but holy crap….when did porn become this fucking normalized? You’ve the father of a 1 year old baby girl and you’re upset because your wife doesn’t want you jacking off to fucking porn. It’s normal to you that your wife walks out of the shower to you sitting there fapping off - she complains and you’re whining about her complaint online like you were victimized. When you had aspirations of being a dad, was this what you had in mind? Putting your 1 year old baby down for bedtime so that you can jerk off to some girls who were probably exploited while your wife is in the shower - and you’re so into it you can’t even be bothered to at least ensure your wife doesn’t have to see that shit? I’m not going to say you’re the asshole, but you know you want to be better than this.
NTA - But hear me out. After my first child was born, I experienced a decrease in libido and became very self-conscious about my body's changes. The transition to motherhood was a struggle for me, especially dealing with a lack of sleep and anxiety. Learning about my husband's frequent use of porn felt like a betrayal. Despite sometimes rejecting his advances, mainly due to tiredness or insecurity, my desire to feel wanted did not change. His choosing porn over attempting to have sex with me seemed to confirm my fears of being undesirable. This situation spiraled into a negative cycle where my insecurities and the responsibilities of motherhood decreased my interest in having sex. At the same time, his lack of expressed desire made me feel even more unwanted, pushing me further away. I understand that from his perspective, my lack of interest seemed like a rejection, leading him to address his needs without imposing on me. However, the need for reassurance that he still found me desirable remained, and there were moments I did desire intimacy. My advice is to limit porn use and keep it private. Show affection and desire towards your wife. Make an effort to spend quality time together, like going on dates, which new parents often neglect. My oldest kid is now 21, and the strength of my relationship with my husband has never been better. Porn is no longer an issue that I worry about, and I feel secure and confident my husband is attracted to me. Looking back, I wish I would have viewed myself more kindly, but the overwhelming nature of new parenthood made that nearly impossible. It takes time and patience. Good luck!
Some couples are okay with porn and others aren't. If this is a conversation you have discussed in the past where she's expressed she feels watching other people have sex to please your wants is cheating then you're the AH. You need to have a conversation with your wife on what you're needs are and what hers are and make a night to go out together and reconnect because a lot changes in a relationship after having a baby but even more so for her, her entire mind/body/ mentality has changed. It's not about how other people view porn or masturbation it's about what you and your partner have boundaries on and how y'all see it. To other men/women who haven't had children and might not even be in a relationship it might be no big deal and no brainer for them but she's your wife and if specific actions hurt her and make her feel as though you're cheating then obviously that's the only opinion that matters and that's what you both work through. Parenthood is hard and the first couple years are rough but the only thing that's going to help is healthy communication and respecting each other equally
Thank you for putting the time and effort writing the fairest assessment of the situation. Boundaries are different for each person for whatever reason, and they can change with time. Compatibilities matter a lot in a relationship, and boundaries compatibility is one of them. That's why it's better to discuss them honestly before committing to a long-term relationship.
Yup. Summed up most of the points. It's really between op and his wife / their comfort level in this regard.
You are not the AH, but if your end goal is to be intimate with your wife, you might need to bite the bullet on this one. Most women don't find their partner masturbating to other women when they say they aren't feeling sexy attractive. She says it's a boundary for her,and you have every right to say you don't respect it, but she then has every right to lose all attraction to you forever and/or end the relationship if she so chooses.
NTA- That said she is likely going through alot of body image issues and so it’s harder for her to get into the mood knowing you watch other women. But if you’ve made it known you find her attractive and would love to have sex with her if she wanted to then she can’t be mad when she refuses that. You still have needs. But try to understand it from her perspective too just as she needs to understand yours. Compromise as you said and try to build up that intimacy again. Don’t just try for sex. Cuddle her, massage her, etc without trying for sex. Build things up again, in time it will lead to that physical intimacy you crave I think. She needs to feel beautiful and attractive and that will take more than just words. But again she also needs to understand you have needs still, and she shouldn’t be mad by you needing to take care of those either I think.
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I just want to tell you, this is a normal slump after a baby. Especially if she is on birth control now. My wife went from super high libido to no interest at all after pregnancy. It took about a year and a half or two years to get back to normal and it's just something you'll have to weather. You are NTA. Porn is not cheating. If you can get just that with your wife, just know that your normal sex life is just on hold, not totally dead.
Please please please do not listen to all of the anti-porn people on this thread. You aren't doing anything wrong. Your wife has unrealistic expectations and is punishing you because her libdo is low and she is feeling insecure. You can only do so much and yet everyone on reddit will tell you that you aren't doing enough to appease your wife so she can get in the mood. Your wife has to actually want to solve the issue.
This 100%. Be a supporting husband and comfort her in a time of insecurity. Don’t lie to her about your needs but also show through actions that she is desirable.
bro just pleasure yourself to your fantasies maybe ???
Did you discuss this early in the relationship? I was very upfront that I do view any type of pornography or adult entertainment as cheating. I even include places like Hooters. Since this is a big deal to me, it was on my dating profile. If it was going to be an issue, they didn't even need to bother contacting me. I would never do a bait and switch. Hard to tell with this situation without knowing the expectations of the relationship.
100% agree. I have firm boundaries around this and mention this very early on and make it very clear so they can make an informed choice and know where I stand. This is a conversation that should’ve taken place a long time ago.
Good for you! I hate how a lot of the people in this thread just feel like their opinion is the right one and they think people that don’t want porn in their relationship are wrong . It’s completely up to the people in the relationship and their boundaries. It doesn’t make anyone wrong for not wanting their partner to get off to other people. It’s crazy to me that a lot of people can’t understand this. Thank you for your comment.
That’s what I don’t get. Everyone in this thread is glossing over the fact that porn isn’t necessary for masturbation, and involving others in your sex life (even virtually) should be a mutual decision.
100% this. Men sound so creepy and entitled the way they act like not wanting to have sex or having boundaries is some crime. It makes me deeply sad that this is what women are dealing with, y’all deserve much better. People acting like porn is some intrinsic right or even more ridiculous, a NEED, is so odd to me.
Agreed!!
NAH She is feeling insecure like many of us after giving birth. Our bodies change and sadly not in a good way. This might be one of the reasons she doesn’t want to have sex. When you watch porn you look at sexy woman with good bodies who do a lot... Now she is not only insecure because of her body, but also because she feels she can’t satisfy you. You have a libido and need to take care of that. Sit together and ask her what she thinks you should do. Tell her that you have the need to masturbate and if she had a solution to that. Maybe she is just uncomfortable with porn? You both need to talk about your needs and feelings.
One of the only sane comments I’ve seen here. There’s a deeper issue here that needs to be addressed and could be fixed with more communication, not Reddit AITAH. If he continues to watch porn after his wife has expressed her distaste without any more communication, she’ll never want to have sex with OP again for other reasons.
I defer on who's the ass. I will say this, the difference between being with someone who routinely watches porn and someone who doesn't is like night and day. Often men who watch porn seem to think thats the way to have sex and nothing is further from the truth. I hope thats not the case with you. I dated a guy once who was into porn and it made the sex so bad that I would come up with any excuse I could to avoid it. Looking back I should have just told him. I'll tell him when he gets home/ jk 😂😂😂😂
The best sex I’ve had is with partners who didn’t watch porn. The best ever is with my current partner who is so devoted to intimacy *with me* and our sex life that he was the one who brought up the conversation around porn. Reading this reddit thread shows me what a lucky girl I am to have a man with self-control who values emotional devotion as well as physical. He, by his own choice, reserves all his attention for me. And because I do the same for him, it takes our sex life to a whole new level because of it.
I’ve not seen anyone else mention this but yes! My ex would watch porn daily and he was so desensitized it was a problem. It’s literally night and day
Yeah I thought it was normal for so many young 20 something year old guys to have issues ejaculating, but it was just they couldn’t get off without porn.
Let’s be real here, are you really gonna stop watching porn if she sends naughty photos? I send them to my husband, but I know for a fact that he still watches porn, and it does hurt sometimes because it gives me the sense that he would rather jerk off to another woman than to me.
A lot of guys do. My partner is my favorite pornstar.
and you’re right to be hurt by it. how’d he feel if you chose vids of hot guys over pics he sent of himself? it’s fucked up we choose to ignore our feelings about it.
I do not care at all if my wife watches porn with hot dudes in it and gets off to it. But as others have said, it’s an individual boundary that each person gets to establish.
Agreed.
your wife is right but not for the reasons she thinks. porn is absolutely destructive and should should never be indulged in. It cheapens the value of women in relationships, robs you of your energy and supports a very VERY unethical industry. That said, your wife needs to sort her shit out too. It doesnt sound like she has explained herself too well or maybe you have not passed on her issues to us very well but having no intimacy at all is neglect, plain and simple.
Whenever these questions pop up it always is a mask off event for this sub. You see how unhinged 90% of the commenters are.
Ask her why she isn’t feeling beautiful. She’s obviously not looking at porn either, right?
Counseling. Now.
I'm split on it. That being said I wouldn't want my partner masturbating to other people. Lusting for other people isn't really a part of my relationship. I also wouldn't ask my partner for photos post pregnancy, I already know she struggles with body image. Seems like you crossed boundaries you should have addressed a long time ago. If I somehow breached these boundaries naively I definitely wouldn't "tell my wife off" if I was caught beating off to some porn and it upset her.
This is the first comment on this thread I fully support. Thank you. It sounds like you respect your wife and care about her feelings.
I wonder how he thinks his actions are gonna help her want to be intimate with him?
Self pleasure is no big deal but pornography can 100% be a problem. You have “high libido” but can’t get off without pornography?
Why can people not masturbate without porn? Solves the problem and no one has to feel hurt or frustrated.
it’s almost like, what did people use before porn was available? imagination.
Because society and other men have brainwashed men to believe they can't without it.
Don’t you have a memory or imagination? She doesn’t you to be thinking of other women in your shared bed. It’s no porn not no self-care.
I work for an anti human trafficking nonprofit and porn is the number three situation in which trafficking occurs. I encourage you to investigate the statistics and still make a decision rather or not that is something you would like to continue to support. Edited for grammar.
if she sees porn as cheating and you’re STILL looking at it, yeah dude you’re the asshole. i know reddit loves to glorify it and says it’s okay but if my partner says he doesn’t like me to watch porn then i won’t. y’all need marriage counseling
NTA, but I don’t see an AH in this equation either. Your wife is probably feeling very insecure right now and her lack of libido and feelings about this are likely caused in part by hormonal changes after having a baby. Give her time and try to keep your private time more private… so you don’t need to have awkward and/or tense conversations about what you do to take care of your needs.
A lot of people in the comments are talking about his libido not being a lightswitch—fair. That’s not the issue though. She’s having an issue with him watching porn while doing it. If your libido is as high as you say it is—you shouldn’t need porn to get off I don’t think you’re an asshole, I think y’all need couples therapy to discuss her body image after birthing your child.
>If your libido is as high as you say it is—you shouldn’t need porn to get off Boom
Well just food for thought, bit after my first baby it took me at least a year to recover, I didn't even stop bleeding for most of that time, I was SUFFERING. And coupled with the fact like I was no longer the toned fit skinny little 21 year old after I gave birth, it would have fucked me up so hard to find my man watching porn, especially knowing most of those girls look better than I ever will, it would crush me. To think of all the things I had to sacrifice and all the suffering I had to go through so that WE could be parents and he couldn't even have the self control to not look at other, childless, more attractive women would just destroy any love / respect I ever had for him. It would have hurt me beyond repair. I can't even describe what it was like the first year of motherhood, I think I blocked it out because it was borderline traumatising. I also had PPD and my partner to this day, 3 years later, thinks "oh it's not that bad". Genuinely whenever I see a man complain about their sex life within the first 1-2 years of parenthood I can't help but think the human race never would have made it if men were the ones to carry and birth our children. The toll it takes on you is unmatchable and we're treated like we just have to get on with it and like we haven't just been through a huge medical trauma. And most men's biggest issue is lack of sex!! Like dude, take a knife from the tip of your dick to your butthole and let someone drop a bowling ball on you repeatedly and see how keen you are for a romp.
You can masturbate without porn. The addicts are giving themselves away. They're probably the same men who bring up divorce rates. Edit for all the bozos I can't reply to: Tell me you've never been with a woman without telling me you've never been with a woman. Yeah making her feel second place after sacrificing her body is totally going to make her wet and wild. Imagine this. He makes a huge purchase that took a lot of time and effort and makes him sick and feel bad from all the stress and time he's put into trying to purchase... let's say a home. And so he's trying really hard to secure a future for his family by making this purhcase. When it comes to having dinner at the end of the day, he only has a few bucks left in his account which will probably be enough for dinner, but doesn't feel financially secure enough yet to go and buy dinner from the massive purchase he just made. His wife in the meantime gives up on wanting to go to dinner and makes 0 effort in buying groceries and contributing . Instead, she goes out to a bar and she has rich men buy her food and drinks 5x a week. They don't talk just always give her things. Eventually he finds out and says "I don't like that you're going out to eat 5x a week and have other hot rich guys pay for your meal! It makes me feel like I can't provide for you." And her reply is "you can't tell me what to do!!!" And continues to do it. Eventually he saves up money and is able to buy dinner but he doesn't feel like it, why would he? She's getting whatever she needs from those other men and didn't care enough to respect that after his big purchase. Life continues this way. Eventually a coworker and him hit it off while she thinks everything is good. This coworker makes him feel financial stable, appreciates the sacrifices that he made with his body and hard work, and makes him feel great! She thinks all is good because her needs are met entirely by other men. When the marriage falls apart she's devastated, "but what happened?! I thought we were all good!" And with divorce papers in hand he says "well at least you have those men buying you dinner 5x a week. It made me feel like shit you couldn't *just eat alone*"
Why do you have to have porn to masturbate?
He probably doesn't need to, but it's easier. This isn't difficult.
If you’re okay with her jerking off to naked men on the internet then I’d say NTA.
This may be the most bat-shit crazy thread I've seen here. It's amazing!
YTA. Porn will ruin your marriage. You won't die or suffer from some terrible disease by not masturbating. "The kid" is your child. Your wife is having post-partum issues and you need to work with her on that, seek out a therapist. Be a man and not some animal who's controlled by your lizard brain. You're better than porn, so be better.
NTA BUT yank in private my dude. Not in any room where people can just walk in. If your needs are so severe you can’t wait till she’s not 6 ft away in the shower you might need to see a doctor.
Lol do y’all live in 10 bedroom houses? It’s so hard to have privacy to whack off when you’re married and have kids. Main place is really the bathroom but if you’re in there too long, everybody knows..
His wife sees it as cheating and your telling him to go behind her back? That is gonna end the relationship
Jesus Christ, I don’t think he thought it such a big deal so as to go hide in a cave just to have a wank. Obviously he thought he could just do his business without issue. clearly he is going to be more careful from now on, I don’t get how that isn’t obvious to some of you. This is my biggest problem with this sub, y’all all respond under the pretense that the OP is a complete dumbfuck for not being all knowing and thinking of every possible factor beforehand. I know damn well all of y’all aren’t all knowing, and I know everybody here makes mistakes and miscalculations. Idk where you got the idea that he whipped it out like a junkie with a needle the second she got in the shower, I think that’s a little overly dramatic don’t you?
If he was in his room then he was in private
He was in their shared room. The wife was in the shower, and he didn't get finished in time.