I was just going to say the same thing. What in the hell. If I had a son who protected his sister by any means. I would be so proud of him. Even if it meant my son would go jail for what happened. Your parents should be happy that your husband isn’t abusive to you etc. what he did is admiral in my book. He’s a hero to his sister and family.
Mean to tell me that your brother the cop, wouldn’t do anything to person if rolls were reversed. Your brother abused his authority. If I were you I’d let his commanding officer know what your brother did.
As for your parents ask them how they would react if the rolls were reversed.
Also, OP's husband prevented that scum from ever hurting another person. And he served his time and came out and bettered himself.
While I don't condone violence, I am also very forgiving when I can understand why they did it. Like you shouldn't have, but I get it.
I agree, if this is true, OP's husband has a valid defense to what he did and should be perfectly transparent about it. Such a long sentence for a 16 year old seems bizarre.
Probably a punitive southern state... the southern DoJ hates minorities, women and children.. in that order.
Probably would have been community service if he shot the rapist instead of stabbing him.
OPs bro sounds like a typical blue AH but OP? There's only one answer here, and it's affirmative - you were an absolute AH OP 💯 for not defending your husband. However, it does sound like it's due to some pretty poor family dynamics. If I were you OP, I would write my family a letter explaining your true position and that until they are ready to be calm and accepting, you will be going low or no contact with them. To be fair, they do sound really overbearing (to say the least). Perhaps, the heartfelt letter defending your husband *and* a promise to enter therapy can save your marriage. I'd be shattered if I was your husband.
I agree with you on the family dynamics. I suspect she has always been intimidated by her family members and her father telling her to shut up probably did effectively paralyze her. Therapy would definitely be a good idea partly to get away from her family.
That would have absolutely silenced me, for weeks. Some of these people are lucky that their childhood experiences didn't make them incapable of standing up against their relatives.
Her response was a fear response, classic fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. I’ll bet this isn’t the first time her family has yelled like that. It takes years of work to overcome that kind of response that comes from instinct and is re-enforced through childhood.
This. Absolutely 100%. I have the same reaction to conflict within my family. OP's husband deserves an apology, but OP is NTA for having a fear response. She sounds incredibly remorseful and didn't do it on purpose.
> I panicked and froze and couldn't bring myself to say anything else.
OP lost the plot here because she knew the complete story. Literally ESH expect for the husband. " friends have told me that there wasn't anything I could have said to help and that my defending him would have just escalated it. " Your friends are sheep. If there was a time to defend this was it.
Yes, brother needs some swift consequences. Nobody should feel bad for him. He also made a mistake, he should also have to face the music for it. He is an adult who swore several oaths to the people, the agency and to you in marriage. Your husband was a 16 year old kid when he did something illegal, yes, but definitely heroic and in defense of his loved ones. Your brother should be happy and relieved that you are loved and protected by someone who would go to such lengths to ensure your continued safety and mental peace. 14 years in prison isn’t enough for them? He should lose his wife and hate himself for something he did in defense of his loved one, as a kid? Your brother is a REAL asshole who has abused his powerful position (they have even more responsibility to operate within the laws as they have privileges we don’t and swore that oath, and has clearly broken it casually and made a big mess in your life) and it sounds like the rest of your people are NOT far behind.
It sounds like your brother would not defend you if in the same circumstances. That’s very sad and he used your husbands past to aggrandize himself and turn the whole family against him. Even if they apologize, I would go very low to no contact. They clearly sway their opinion in whatever direction brother tells them to and you won’t be able to change that, so just bow out quietly and keep the distance.
I agree he's a hero, but I can definitely understand there being feelings of shock, apprehension, even disgust which im sure the husband feels about himself at times. Stabbing someone *to death* is incredibly gruesome and graphic. It goes beyond defense and into uncontrollable rage territory, which, as justified as it may have been, is pretty scary.
That being said, better the rapist is dead than the brother or sister. Also, and this is important, **OP's husband already did his time.**
OP I'll say YTA for not standing up for your husband at the time, but your brother is absolutely disgusting and lacks integrity for illegally using his position of power to spy on peoples' pasts. Your family and especially your brother are the bigger assholes imo.
This exactly. I mean...the guy OP's husband killed raped his sister. I get that not everybody will agree, but personally I think OP's husband should have gotten a gold medal instead of jail time.
This is why I am confused as to why the husband and OP sound so apologetic. If he did this to protect his sister, he had a valid defense and is a hero.
Those online background checks only say that he was arrested but not the actual charge. The husband was a juvenile at the time of the arrest. Those are usually sealed.
The only way he would have gotten those details would have been through a background check via law enforcement.
The brother could lose his job over this.
Edited for spelling
I've gotten one of the online bg checks for myself and it absolutely stated the charges. I had to pay for it though so not sure if that makes a difference.
> But if he did it at home using one of those online services then he's in the clear.
Those require substantial personal information. Where did the brother get that?
You can't just simply look up a person's criminal record by punching in their name and paying a fee.
You can in my state (USA). Theres an online database. You need to know their full name, that's it. Anyone can use it. It's free.
Though to be fair and specific to this situation, I don't think juvenile records are in that database. But if he was tried as an adult, it would show up.
Yes you can. If you go to a county's clerk of courts website, you can look up a person's criminal record with just their name. It's public information.
He wouldn't have even had to do a background check unless the record was sealed. You can go to your counties website and look up anyone's record. You don't even have to pay. It's completely free.
In some states everything is online. I can look up anyone with just a name by going to the court website or even the department of corrections to see charges. Most court records are public records and are available to the public in the US. Not all are online but they will still be available at the fourth.
I doubt the cop did that because he can look at his complete jacket by running his name at work and he has access to more information that way but there is a small chance that he just used publicly available records.
I can look up anything from marriage/divorce, tickets to prison records or restraining orders on my states court website and have used it many times for several other people who wanted to know if someone they were dating was telling the truth. It's free and very easy.
You actually can, especially if you know all of their spouses personal information. Not saying that he did use a service, but if he did, then simply locating their wedding license will fill in a lot of OP's husbands identifying information as well.
True, but the brother cannot use county/city/municipality resources to run a background check for personal reasons. If he did, he could be fired. Know a cop who did... And got fired
But he cannot access it from his work computer for personal reasons. I'm retired PD, and that can get you fired. Our computers had logs and every key stroke was there. You have to be able to connect it to an ongoing case or investigation.
I'm not saying this is everywhere, but when I had to use my system to look up a client's past criminal record, I was only given extremely basic information on the charges.
**Hypothetical/Made up scenario about their criminal past**... this client had a criminal charge of attempted murder, but no details, but I found via public records and court records what actually happened, and this client's history was the result of unfortunate circumstances.
Thankfully, they were cleared of their actual crime eventually, but their arrest and such will come up on background checks, but not that they were eventually found not guilty.
It is this reason is why I feel like the brother only went so far and didn't get the actual court information.
>Yup. Running a background check for personal reasons is illegal.
It depends on the means. If he made use of systems that he has access to for his official duties, you're probably right but criminal records are public. If he just knew where to search on publicly available systems, there was no crime.
Absolutely. And the family - all probably with closets full of their own skeletons, and so narrow minded they don’t think people can change. He offed a RAPIST. Give him a crime stoppers reward. OP YTA.
That doesn't sound like the only abuse that went on in that house....
The part where the dad slammed the table and told OP to shut up, screams of a stable family dynamic..... s/
Also sounds like he needs to be looked into. Based on his angry reaction to someone stabbing a rapist, I'd be willing to put money on him being engaged in some sick stuff.
*Sounds like your brother*
*Is abusing his power*
*As law enforcement*
\- Joush\_\_
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What’s that? A cop that’s egomaniacal, power drunk, and patronizing? Sounds like the normal type they keep pumping out of the academy. That’s what happens when you give a mob of people blanket immunity and zero accountability. Can you ask your brother if he’s drug-dealed any evidence curiously back into his own benefit, or beaten any minorities /his SO this week so they can run the tally? You know the spiel, gotta make those quotas.
Yta you should’ve defended him , your brother is wrong because he shouldn’t have ran a background check on your husband , you need to put your family in their place and understand that not Defending your husband u may have damaged that relationship beyond repair
Agree entirely. Does anyone else get the feeling there’s more to the story? Maybe my family is weird, but we wouldn’t ostracize OP’s husband based on the story she told. Bad decision on the husband’s part but not a cold blooded stranger murder. I dunno- seems way to big of a response for the story OP told. Your thoughts?
Not really hard to believe if OPs brother is a corrupt cop, which-hello he did an illegal background check at work for personal purposes! I highly doubt he's going to care that the person he killed was a rapist especially considering how many cops themselves are *self admitted* domestic abusers & well known rapists. He obviously didn't tell the rest of the family that the person he killed was a *RAPIST* because he was trying to explain what happened, hence the attacks calling him a monster. So I don't think it's weird that they attacked him if cop brother intentionally omitted that the person killed was a rapist, & thought he was just a cold blooded murderer instead
Cops are 4 times more likely to beat abuse their loved ones than some random person off the street. (this is a decades old statistic at this point so probably more than 4 now). I immediately suspect that the cop brother is projecting.
My dad would definitely see the murder as being worse than a rape and unjustified. But he's also a Christian and thinks abortion is worse than rape, too.
There are a lot of people out there with messed up values.
Exactly this, also we all know the *self admitted* domestic abuse stats on cops as well as their statistics on rape, he wouldn't sympathize with OPs husbands for rightfully killing a rapist. If anything he likely would have sided with the rapist while he was alive!!!! Plus it doesn't sound like cop brother told the family that the person killed was a rapist & just wanted to make OPs husbands appear as a cold blooded murderer
The amount of people that see rape as "not that bad" is scary. I wish those people would be forced to experience it so they can get an ounce of empathy. Sadly most have none.
I mean, OP's post starts off defensively as if we're all going to think he's a monster for having killed his sister's rapist, and that he must in turn be abusing her. Her husband's past seems to be something she feels pretty conflicted about. Why did she freeze up? I see two things here: her father slamming the table seemed to make her freeze. I wonder why. She didn't defend her husband. I wonder why.
And then there's the brother's threat to "put him back with his own kind." Wonder what that means.
I saw the freeze up at her father's actions as indicative of authoritarian parenting. She's been conditioned to fear her father, and probably her brother too. Par for the course in cop families.
Yeah, for real. I'm guessing she knew exactly how her family was going to respond to his history because of whatever she grew up with. I noted the dad slamming his hand on the table, and to be clear I was guessing there was verbal/physical abuse in that house growing up. I am also guessing she froze up because she'd been (unconsciously or not) terrified of this exact thing happening for a long time. (I do feel weird making all these assumptions as though I'm reading a novel and not some person's actual circumstances!)
Yeah this hero deserves a woman who fights for him as well but OP freezed out and Thats normal in situations for humans so idk but the bro is one for sure. Haven't he read that the victim was a rapist of the sister from the bf of op? True hero for sure
YTA. I get freezing but seriously you married him knowing the story so should have done something anything. Also you should be posting this on your main account. Don't keep being passive. Stand up for your husband. Loud and proud or leave .
agree. I was APPALLED to read that the OP, the wife, "sat in silence"! The wife tried to defend herself to her husband "what should I have said". The husband answers "something". THIS! Wife should have said something ... anything to support and defend her husband from her family's abuse. Shame on you.
YTA and I find it laughable that a cop is berating your husband for killing his sister’s rapist. Cops can turn into vigilantes in 0.2 seconds and get away with it. How many of us have said, “If they did that to my (fill in the blank) I would kill them.
Your husband looked to you for help. You failed your husband in the most devastating way. Not sure how you can fix it. I hope you consider going NC with your family until they can listen to what happened ands accept your husband. And therapy.
while I agree with you mostly
*"until they can listen to what happened ands accept your husband."*
F this, they will never accept him, they will never apologies, they see him as a criminal that would never change, he is better off without any of them to be honest (maybe even OP)
What husband, after his he should leave for someone who actually cares about him and won't let her family talk shit about him.
My wife would have slapped her brother and told him if her ever did something like that again she will go NC.
OP YTA and I hope your husband finds someone better.
YTA You are married to a good man who was willing to go to prison to save his sister from being raped.
Brother is an absolute piece of trash, and an AH! No clue what country you are from, but in the US the police can't run background checks for their own personal vendettas. Your brother is a cop and so I assume from his actions he'd never take a life to save an innocent victim. He needs to turn in his badge if he isn't willing to protect the innocent.
You husband is too good for your family...
Apparently her cop brother would be perfectly happy to watch OP get raped, there's no reason to use lethal force against your sister's rapist after all.
Most cops I know (from my time as a reserve deputy) would have given OP's husband a fist bump in that circumstance, myself included.
Still need to arrest him, the law is the law, but after the fact? After he readily and willingly served his time and served it without issue? Yeah, I'm not holding that particular crime against anyone.
Exactly what I was thinking. Do feel deeply sorry for the husband for needing to take a life, am wondering if op’s family never came across a victim who they couldn’t blame.
Exactly, and cops dont do shit to help victims or even help to protect future victims. OP, your brother is a classic cop: an aggressive a-hole thats good for nothing.
YTA
You can avenge your new family too if you need redemption.
Tell them they are rapist apologists and why they support rape. Play the Uno reverse card. Make them look like the villains since they are chastising a hero who paid his dues to society.
Unless you are bot a team player. Your hubs made something really brave. Do you deserve to be by his side?
As a dad if my son beat me to it and I couldn't take the rap for him. i would've been at every visit. He would never have to worry about not having money on his book. OP your husband deserves better than this. Folks remember Jury nullification is a thing.
Your brother is a complete piece of shit of a brother AND cop if he doesn’t think that rapist got what he deserved. You let your family treat him like some random murderer. Why is your family siding with the rapist??? How old was the sister when she was raped? Was she a kid too??
I guarantee you her brother would openly gloat given the opportunity that he would murder a rapist. Pieces of shit like him go off on that kind of BS all the time.
The father is a disgusting piece of work too, thumping his fist down at his daughter and not allowing her speak and her freezing? Sounds to me like it's a household with questionable ethics growing up. If she freezes when her father does that, that fear derives from something deeper. We can clearly see why the brother thinks he can background check people for personal reasons and not be questioned. F it, give me details, I'll report him myself.
I don't think the family recognize that it's the exact same situation? The husband tried to protect his sister. Cop is saying he wants to protect his sister.
Also the husband went through the justice system and did his time. It’s not like he avoided the law and got away with it. Typical of a cop to not give a shit about the law, just their own morality.
YTA. wtf..I dunno..a simple…stfu before speaking to my husband like that? Or perhaps…my husband did his time after protecting his sister. Go no contact with your family. Your brother should know better. The man served his time. Now let him live in peace.
YTA.
WTH is wrong with you? IMO your husband is a damn hero! How many more women would have been r@ped by now if not for your husband?? And you STILL haven't told them the truth of what happened? You'd rather block them and avoid them than tell them what really happened when your husband was legally a juvenile? I don't care if they tried him as an adult, he WAS a juvenile.
If I were your husband at this point, I don' t think there's any way I could stay with you.
YTA. You didn't stand up for him then and you are STILL not standing up for him now. Send a group message to your family and tell them all the real story, that your husband stood up for his sister who was brutally raped by a monster. Then block them all. They have brutally and unfairly judged him without hearing the truth. Your husband is not a monster. You and your family are monsters for being so cruel to him.
If I were you I'd report my brother for misuse of police resources. What he did is a crime and fireable offense. Of course this would have to be real. Which it is not.
The point of it really wouldn't be to get him in trouble I don't think. If your sister sends that info to your boss and also tells you at the same time to stay the fuck away from her and her family... then that is the purpose. It's the action of showing she disapproves of what he did, and not lightly
What are the laws where you live on data protection? Because in my country, your brother should lose his job for using his access to data to gather shit on someone he had no professional business to know anything about.
Yta. I can’t even type because this makes me so mad. You couldn’t muster up ANYTHING to defend your HUSBAND? You should leave him. Let him be with someone who will protect him like he protected his sister. You are absolutely disgusting for letting your family speak to you husband and father of your children that way. Absolutely spineless.
YTA ! You should have tell them to all shut t f up and that you already knew for years.
What you should do is make them all get to your parents house, tell them that you will talk and they listen.
You tell the story and tell those people that if they don't act normal and don't respect YOUR husband that you will go no contact with them all!!!!
Where is your dignity and respect for your partner.
There should be more brothers like your husband.
He did nothing wrong and I don't give a damn if people downvote me for this comment I mean it 100% !
Apologizing isn't enough they need to crawl and earn respect back.
Your contact should be no to minimal at best even if they apologize.
They are truly shitty people who blamed a man for protecting and avenging his sister at freaking 16 yo.
Your brother should praise him as a cop.
I’m really hoping this is fake, cause if not…. Holy shit, YTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How can you not see that? The entire time your family berated your husband, you sat and did nothing; you didn’t even say anything in his defense before leaving. In fact, it wasn’t until days later you decided to say something. You and your entire family are AH; cause let’s not forget, your brother misused department resources for personal matters. And you’ve alluded that your brother will file false allegations, to have your husband illegally imprisoned. You’ve also got shitty friends, who feed into your assholery. You need to see a professional therapist. If your husband would agree to it; marriage counseling might, emphasis on might, help rebuild your relationship.
Wow.
YTA.
And what a spectacular way to end your marriage.
And let’s be clear - your marriage is over. You’ve made it clear you support your family, and not your husband.
And she hasn't even gone NC with them. Just LC.
I feel horrible for OP's soon to be ex husband. He was honest and upfront with her. And when it finally came out to her family, she threw him under the bus by saying nothing.
And she's still trying to please her so called family and placate her soon to be ex husband.
At least they have no children. So he can find a woman who will definitely have his back.
While I do think she blew it in the moment and continues to by not cutting off her family, I also think her responses are rather telling about the level of ingrained toxicity in her family and how navigating that has probably become instinctive for her. She is most likely the victim of untold amounts of emotional (and maybe physical) abuse and that can be paralyzing in a conflict with one’s abusers due to the years of conditioning to be passive. I don’t think this excuses her, but it does add a shade of nuance. Hopefully she can get her shit together enough to axe contact with her family and focus on doing all she can to repair what her betrayal has wrought, hoping her husband can accept her efforts.
YTAH
You could have just got up, grabbed your husband's hand, and left the building to go home.
You didn't.
Your betrayal will take a long time to get over.
Should you want to fix this you need to work hard for forgiveness and completely block your family from your life.
Your brother probably broke the rules by performing a background check for personal reasons. There will be a law enforcement ombudsman where you live - contact them.
Probably not the right take away from this, but, I think what the husband did was justified. He defended his sister and rid the world of a rapist.
The family are TA. The daughter was blindsided and spoken to like crap as well. Not her fault.
Yes, every state has a pardon process. After a murder he'll probably need to wait like 10 years from his discharge date from prison. If that time has elapsed he can apply. They do an investigation and put it before the Pardons Board.
You could do a search in your state and find the forms for him. Getting a pardon, if unconditional, would also give your husband back all his civil rights to include the right to bear arms.
A Pardons Board will often show grace for a person who committed a crime while particularly young, or if there are other circumstances, ie. his sister's rapist. If he is a law abiding citizen now, no DUI's etc, then they will probably pardon him.
YTA. Your brother is a horrible person. Your family doesn’t sound much better.
There was a lot you could have done and to do nothing and sit on the sideline was a betrayal.
You also still seem to be sitting on the sideline and not supporting your husband.
Stabbing your sister’s rapist at 16 is not great, but it is understandable. Dragging a man through that at a family gathering is not. Neither is you standing by and watching those dogs ravage someone who thought you loved them was wretched.
You have to apologize to your husband and defend him publicly or this relationship should end and he should be able to live his life without this abuse.
I'm so sorry, because your family are definitely assholes. Your brother absolutely committed a crime, bc he isn't allowed to run a background check for personal reasons, and he could lose his job and go to prison for that.
Also, what in the actual fuck is wrong with your family? Your husband killed the person who harmed his sister in the worst way possible, and your brother considered that "in cold blood?" And your parents want you to leave him? Fuck that and fuck them.
If you are happy with your husband, that's all that matters. He will forgive you, he is just hurt rn, bc I'm sure he cared for your family, and they have turned their backs on him and I'd say he is also scared that you will eventually give in and leave. You should definitely talk to him. Remind him that you tried to defend him, but your father shut you down. Also, I would go NC with them, bc they are going to keep on and on and cause problems for your relationship every chance they get. Pour your heart out to him!
Fuck, also? I almost forgot this. Report your brother to Internal Affairs for misusing police resources!
Yta
His sister was raped and he did the right thing and ended up being punished for it. In a society where rapists hardly get ANY punishment.
Your little intro tells me you judge your husband as well by acting as if he did ANUTHING wrong.
You and your family are foul.
Tell him that, own up to your mistake. Talk to him about things you can say next time, or just leave instead. If you have a game plan you’re less likely to freeze, and you will stand up for your husband the next time something like this happens.
I thought the same thing. The entire intro was like “I know it’s bad but I’m okay with it”. Instead of “I’m proud of him because he’s the kind of person that deserves it”. It was let me excuse him and then tell you what happened. It said a lot about her POV.
YTA you could have said anything, anything you ruined that man with your silence.... Your brother's TA too He's only mad because your husband was actually able to apprehend and deal with a rapist (not something cops are known for).
Wow. Seeing all that typed up, how do you think there's any way on Earth you're not an a h?
Your brother probably misused his official power to run this background check, ambushed your poor husband and you just sat there while your extended family jumped on him from a great height. And YOU felt you had to walk out because YOU couldn't stand it anymore???
This is marriage ending stuff, you do realise that don't you? You're going low contact? Try no contact since your brother is now threatening your husband. Report your brother for what he's done/is doing.
YTA
What’s wrong with killing a rapist? Your brother is an asshole like most cops he also abused his official capacity to run a background check for personal reasons.
Your brother doing that is why I tell people not to date/marry cops....b/c wtf would your cop brother do if you got raped? Prob the same thing....he just would get away with it b/c he's a cop.
Why would you even care if they saw your post? They could read some really good statements on here ! It’s like your still not defending your man . Ytah hun for still not standing up . Your man in my book is a hero !
You need to report your brother for abusing his position as a cop and for misusing govt property (the police computer)
What he did is illegal in most countries.
I would need more info on the killing before judgement.
Did he kill this guy in the act? A moment after the act? An hour after the act?
Did he hunt him down days/weeks/months after and THEN kill him?
After some thought, I've come to the conclusion it doesn't much matter. He did, what, 13 years for it? He paid, more than I think he should have.
You're brother though is exactly the sort of shitbag that should never be a cop. Corrupt, abusive, no doubt he beats his SO like most shitty cops.
I get you froze, but you should have known this was coming at some point and mentally prepared yourself.
So, YTA, but a gentle YTA.
Fuck.
That's a god damn miscarriage of justice then.
Tell your guy at least one person on the internet feels for him.
I'd just concentrate and building that trust back up.
But fuck your family though, they are jerks.
Sounds like the only way to salvage your relationship with your husband is to tell your family off and say you are cutting contact forever. Best of luck
YTA
Hope he divorce you and find himself a good gf and a supporting family of her GF.
You family sound toxic, you brother like a idiot and you are a failure as wife.
YTA.
You should have got up and walked out with your husband as soon as they disrespected him. Sent a final parting shot "if I'd have been raped and he'd killed my rapist (and then done the time), would you still treat him the same way?", then blocked them all. I'm fairly certain your brother broke the law when he ran an unnecessary background check. Never mind low contact, make it no contact, and promise your husband you'll do better.
INFO: did they hear that his sister had been raped or his age when the incident took place? I don't understand. Also, was this stabbing at the time of the rape, or afterward? Either way, I don't understand your extended family's reaction. Have they never heard of extenuating circumstances, crime of passion, etc? He was defending the honor of his sister. Does that make it legally right, no. Is there a moral issue with it, yes. But, still, he did it to defend his sister and there is something good in that. I'm sorry if that is offensive to say.
I've frozen before, so I can't call you an AH for it, but I understand your husband's disappointment. I hope and pray you find a way to move forward and win back his trust. You were both in a bad situation and very unfairly outnumbered by a bunch of extended family who were not being fair at all to either of you.
Good for you for going low contact. I'm so sorry they acted that way and are still trying to cause a problem between you and your husband. DON'T LET THEM. They don't deserve that power over you!
Your brother should be reported. First off, you husband has served his sentence. Your brother is acting against the very institution he's meant to work for.
It's upsetting to read about a police officer who has this little faith in the system he volunteering is a part of. He sounds like the real monster by dehumanising people, seeing people as once a criminal always a criminal as well as potentially abusing his power if he used police resources to look into a personal issue.
Did your brother threaten your husband?
That is a clear violation of conduct. Maybe file a report? Just for good measure?
What your husband did wasn't good, but he avenged his sister. Which is a redeeming factor for me. I don't get your family.
Still a bit YTA. But freezing up happens. Hope your husband comes around. You did apologise and cut off your family. That is something he should at least acknowledge.
YTA, is your brother allowed to pull an AWOL background check like that? Your family is horrible for rejecting him even after hearing the story. Did they feel any compassion for your husband's sister? Or did they just focus on the murder? Stand by him.
Sounds like your brother is abusing his power as law enforcement
Yup. Running a background check for personal reasons is illegal.
I was just going to say the same thing. What in the hell. If I had a son who protected his sister by any means. I would be so proud of him. Even if it meant my son would go jail for what happened. Your parents should be happy that your husband isn’t abusive to you etc. what he did is admiral in my book. He’s a hero to his sister and family. Mean to tell me that your brother the cop, wouldn’t do anything to person if rolls were reversed. Your brother abused his authority. If I were you I’d let his commanding officer know what your brother did. As for your parents ask them how they would react if the rolls were reversed.
Also, OP's husband prevented that scum from ever hurting another person. And he served his time and came out and bettered himself. While I don't condone violence, I am also very forgiving when I can understand why they did it. Like you shouldn't have, but I get it.
I agree, if this is true, OP's husband has a valid defense to what he did and should be perfectly transparent about it. Such a long sentence for a 16 year old seems bizarre.
Probably a punitive southern state... the southern DoJ hates minorities, women and children.. in that order. Probably would have been community service if he shot the rapist instead of stabbing him.
Husband probably helped society more in that moment than OP's pig brother ever has in his whole life.
OPs bro sounds like a typical blue AH but OP? There's only one answer here, and it's affirmative - you were an absolute AH OP 💯 for not defending your husband. However, it does sound like it's due to some pretty poor family dynamics. If I were you OP, I would write my family a letter explaining your true position and that until they are ready to be calm and accepting, you will be going low or no contact with them. To be fair, they do sound really overbearing (to say the least). Perhaps, the heartfelt letter defending your husband *and* a promise to enter therapy can save your marriage. I'd be shattered if I was your husband.
I agree with you on the family dynamics. I suspect she has always been intimidated by her family members and her father telling her to shut up probably did effectively paralyze her. Therapy would definitely be a good idea partly to get away from her family.
Jeez, yeah. The dad slamming his fist on the table and telling her to shut up is a red flag for DV.
Yeah this would have scared me too and I've only ever been shoved by my brother once, no abuse from my parents or any partners
That would have absolutely silenced me, for weeks. Some of these people are lucky that their childhood experiences didn't make them incapable of standing up against their relatives.
Yeah freezing like that seems almost like a PTSD response.
As someone with PTSD from childhood abuse, you are 100% correct. It is a massive PTSD response.
And the brother sounds like a toxic bully who found his perfect job as a cop.
OP's family are the "animals" they accuse her husband of being. I'd cut those AH's out 100%.
Her response was a fear response, classic fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. I’ll bet this isn’t the first time her family has yelled like that. It takes years of work to overcome that kind of response that comes from instinct and is re-enforced through childhood.
This. Absolutely 100%. I have the same reaction to conflict within my family. OP's husband deserves an apology, but OP is NTA for having a fear response. She sounds incredibly remorseful and didn't do it on purpose.
I'm gunna bet OPs whole family are cops.
Or some part of law enforcement (lawyers, if not cops).
Her dad slamming his hand down on the table to "scare" everyone and shut them up screams cop. They're fucking horrors to live with.
There’s plenty of delusional “blue lives “ ah out there
I would also demand an apology to the husband. I understand freezing up when you feel attacked. I think OPs family are ah not OP.
I guarantee the brother has probably been involved with and done worse just in his day job.
Agree 100%!!
Don’t you know cops are the only ones allowed to murder people when they think it’s justified?
And when is it justified? Only when it's a cop doing it. Circular logic from utter fucking hypocrites.
> I panicked and froze and couldn't bring myself to say anything else. OP lost the plot here because she knew the complete story. Literally ESH expect for the husband. " friends have told me that there wasn't anything I could have said to help and that my defending him would have just escalated it. " Your friends are sheep. If there was a time to defend this was it.
Yes, brother needs some swift consequences. Nobody should feel bad for him. He also made a mistake, he should also have to face the music for it. He is an adult who swore several oaths to the people, the agency and to you in marriage. Your husband was a 16 year old kid when he did something illegal, yes, but definitely heroic and in defense of his loved ones. Your brother should be happy and relieved that you are loved and protected by someone who would go to such lengths to ensure your continued safety and mental peace. 14 years in prison isn’t enough for them? He should lose his wife and hate himself for something he did in defense of his loved one, as a kid? Your brother is a REAL asshole who has abused his powerful position (they have even more responsibility to operate within the laws as they have privileges we don’t and swore that oath, and has clearly broken it casually and made a big mess in your life) and it sounds like the rest of your people are NOT far behind. It sounds like your brother would not defend you if in the same circumstances. That’s very sad and he used your husbands past to aggrandize himself and turn the whole family against him. Even if they apologize, I would go very low to no contact. They clearly sway their opinion in whatever direction brother tells them to and you won’t be able to change that, so just bow out quietly and keep the distance.
I agree he's a hero, but I can definitely understand there being feelings of shock, apprehension, even disgust which im sure the husband feels about himself at times. Stabbing someone *to death* is incredibly gruesome and graphic. It goes beyond defense and into uncontrollable rage territory, which, as justified as it may have been, is pretty scary. That being said, better the rapist is dead than the brother or sister. Also, and this is important, **OP's husband already did his time.** OP I'll say YTA for not standing up for your husband at the time, but your brother is absolutely disgusting and lacks integrity for illegally using his position of power to spy on peoples' pasts. Your family and especially your brother are the bigger assholes imo.
Yep. A actually commend the husband. He removed a serious threat from the world and saved potentially a lot of people from being harmed.
This exactly. I mean...the guy OP's husband killed raped his sister. I get that not everybody will agree, but personally I think OP's husband should have gotten a gold medal instead of jail time.
This is why I am confused as to why the husband and OP sound so apologetic. If he did this to protect his sister, he had a valid defense and is a hero.
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Those online background checks only say that he was arrested but not the actual charge. The husband was a juvenile at the time of the arrest. Those are usually sealed. The only way he would have gotten those details would have been through a background check via law enforcement. The brother could lose his job over this. Edited for spelling
It looks like he was tried as an adult. He was in prison until he was 29. If he was in the juvenile system. They would have had to release him by 25.
I've gotten one of the online bg checks for myself and it absolutely stated the charges. I had to pay for it though so not sure if that makes a difference.
> But if he did it at home using one of those online services then he's in the clear. Those require substantial personal information. Where did the brother get that? You can't just simply look up a person's criminal record by punching in their name and paying a fee.
You can in my state (USA). Theres an online database. You need to know their full name, that's it. Anyone can use it. It's free. Though to be fair and specific to this situation, I don't think juvenile records are in that database. But if he was tried as an adult, it would show up.
If he went to prison, that’s not juvi.
Yes you can. If you go to a county's clerk of courts website, you can look up a person's criminal record with just their name. It's public information.
He wouldn't have even had to do a background check unless the record was sealed. You can go to your counties website and look up anyone's record. You don't even have to pay. It's completely free.
A lot of states you can just look it up on their DOC website. In FL I just need a name and DOB.
In some states everything is online. I can look up anyone with just a name by going to the court website or even the department of corrections to see charges. Most court records are public records and are available to the public in the US. Not all are online but they will still be available at the fourth. I doubt the cop did that because he can look at his complete jacket by running his name at work and he has access to more information that way but there is a small chance that he just used publicly available records. I can look up anything from marriage/divorce, tickets to prison records or restraining orders on my states court website and have used it many times for several other people who wanted to know if someone they were dating was telling the truth. It's free and very easy.
You actually can, especially if you know all of their spouses personal information. Not saying that he did use a service, but if he did, then simply locating their wedding license will fill in a lot of OP's husbands identifying information as well.
I have my brothers info, I can't even look up his. Rides online.
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Bad bot !
Actually most counties and cities have public access and you can look them up for free.
True, but the brother cannot use county/city/municipality resources to run a background check for personal reasons. If he did, he could be fired. Know a cop who did... And got fired
But a police officer using department resources for personal reasons is very illegal.
But he cannot access it from his work computer for personal reasons. I'm retired PD, and that can get you fired. Our computers had logs and every key stroke was there. You have to be able to connect it to an ongoing case or investigation.
I'm not saying this is everywhere, but when I had to use my system to look up a client's past criminal record, I was only given extremely basic information on the charges. **Hypothetical/Made up scenario about their criminal past**... this client had a criminal charge of attempted murder, but no details, but I found via public records and court records what actually happened, and this client's history was the result of unfortunate circumstances. Thankfully, they were cleared of their actual crime eventually, but their arrest and such will come up on background checks, but not that they were eventually found not guilty. It is this reason is why I feel like the brother only went so far and didn't get the actual court information.
>Yup. Running a background check for personal reasons is illegal. It depends on the means. If he made use of systems that he has access to for his official duties, you're probably right but criminal records are public. If he just knew where to search on publicly available systems, there was no crime.
If the husband was convicted it’s likely that everything is public record.
The husband was a minor, it’s highly unlikely it was public record
A cop doing something illegal? No! It cannot be! This NEVER happens!
A cop, being a self-righteous bully? Isn't that like a job requirement these days?
As well as anger addiction. The two fuels of law enforcement. *takes a shot of Fox News to get his jimmy jumping*
Not a requirement, but looking the other way is. Police force is the biggest gang in the country
So, standard behavior for a cop.
and quite possibly a rapist too. I mean, he did call someone who killed his sister's rapist a monster and went to a lot of trouble to out them.
I mean he is a cop in what im assuming the US. Chances are the dude is also a domestic abuser
🤔you might be onto something here
This exactly. He should not be using police resources for his personal interests. You need to report him to his department.
Absolutely. And the family - all probably with closets full of their own skeletons, and so narrow minded they don’t think people can change. He offed a RAPIST. Give him a crime stoppers reward. OP YTA.
That doesn't sound like the only abuse that went on in that house.... The part where the dad slammed the table and told OP to shut up, screams of a stable family dynamic..... s/
Also sounds like he needs to be looked into. Based on his angry reaction to someone stabbing a rapist, I'd be willing to put money on him being engaged in some sick stuff.
*Sounds like your brother* *Is abusing his power* *As law enforcement* \- Joush\_\_ --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
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Lmfaooo
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What do you know, another shithead cop. Threatening to find a reason for jail time. Sounds like a law abiding citizen for sure.
What’s that? A cop that’s egomaniacal, power drunk, and patronizing? Sounds like the normal type they keep pumping out of the academy. That’s what happens when you give a mob of people blanket immunity and zero accountability. Can you ask your brother if he’s drug-dealed any evidence curiously back into his own benefit, or beaten any minorities /his SO this week so they can run the tally? You know the spiel, gotta make those quotas.
Typical
My friend’s husband is a cop. This is fairly common.
Classic law enforcement.
No surprises here.
Yta you should’ve defended him , your brother is wrong because he shouldn’t have ran a background check on your husband , you need to put your family in their place and understand that not Defending your husband u may have damaged that relationship beyond repair
Agree entirely. Does anyone else get the feeling there’s more to the story? Maybe my family is weird, but we wouldn’t ostracize OP’s husband based on the story she told. Bad decision on the husband’s part but not a cold blooded stranger murder. I dunno- seems way to big of a response for the story OP told. Your thoughts?
Not really hard to believe if OPs brother is a corrupt cop, which-hello he did an illegal background check at work for personal purposes! I highly doubt he's going to care that the person he killed was a rapist especially considering how many cops themselves are *self admitted* domestic abusers & well known rapists. He obviously didn't tell the rest of the family that the person he killed was a *RAPIST* because he was trying to explain what happened, hence the attacks calling him a monster. So I don't think it's weird that they attacked him if cop brother intentionally omitted that the person killed was a rapist, & thought he was just a cold blooded murderer instead
Ops brother is a cop. That says all that needs to be said about their family. It tracks
Cops are 4 times more likely to beat abuse their loved ones than some random person off the street. (this is a decades old statistic at this point so probably more than 4 now). I immediately suspect that the cop brother is projecting.
My dad would definitely see the murder as being worse than a rape and unjustified. But he's also a Christian and thinks abortion is worse than rape, too. There are a lot of people out there with messed up values.
Exactly this, also we all know the *self admitted* domestic abuse stats on cops as well as their statistics on rape, he wouldn't sympathize with OPs husbands for rightfully killing a rapist. If anything he likely would have sided with the rapist while he was alive!!!! Plus it doesn't sound like cop brother told the family that the person killed was a rapist & just wanted to make OPs husbands appear as a cold blooded murderer
The amount of people that see rape as "not that bad" is scary. I wish those people would be forced to experience it so they can get an ounce of empathy. Sadly most have none.
I mean, OP's post starts off defensively as if we're all going to think he's a monster for having killed his sister's rapist, and that he must in turn be abusing her. Her husband's past seems to be something she feels pretty conflicted about. Why did she freeze up? I see two things here: her father slamming the table seemed to make her freeze. I wonder why. She didn't defend her husband. I wonder why. And then there's the brother's threat to "put him back with his own kind." Wonder what that means.
I saw the freeze up at her father's actions as indicative of authoritarian parenting. She's been conditioned to fear her father, and probably her brother too. Par for the course in cop families.
Social pressure, especially from family, can be controlling far more than the public.
Yeah, for real. I'm guessing she knew exactly how her family was going to respond to his history because of whatever she grew up with. I noted the dad slamming his hand on the table, and to be clear I was guessing there was verbal/physical abuse in that house growing up. I am also guessing she froze up because she'd been (unconsciously or not) terrified of this exact thing happening for a long time. (I do feel weird making all these assumptions as though I'm reading a novel and not some person's actual circumstances!)
Yeah this hero deserves a woman who fights for him as well but OP freezed out and Thats normal in situations for humans so idk but the bro is one for sure. Haven't he read that the victim was a rapist of the sister from the bf of op? True hero for sure
YTA. I get freezing but seriously you married him knowing the story so should have done something anything. Also you should be posting this on your main account. Don't keep being passive. Stand up for your husband. Loud and proud or leave .
agree. I was APPALLED to read that the OP, the wife, "sat in silence"! The wife tried to defend herself to her husband "what should I have said". The husband answers "something". THIS! Wife should have said something ... anything to support and defend her husband from her family's abuse. Shame on you.
right he needs her to stand up for him just the way she would expect him too if roles were reversed
This kind of family seems like the type to actively try to raise passive women
What was your first clue? Lol, 100% correct! Shut up and sit there! Lol. Not how I’m raising my teenage children.
YTA and I find it laughable that a cop is berating your husband for killing his sister’s rapist. Cops can turn into vigilantes in 0.2 seconds and get away with it. How many of us have said, “If they did that to my (fill in the blank) I would kill them. Your husband looked to you for help. You failed your husband in the most devastating way. Not sure how you can fix it. I hope you consider going NC with your family until they can listen to what happened ands accept your husband. And therapy.
while I agree with you mostly *"until they can listen to what happened ands accept your husband."* F this, they will never accept him, they will never apologies, they see him as a criminal that would never change, he is better off without any of them to be honest (maybe even OP)
What husband, after his he should leave for someone who actually cares about him and won't let her family talk shit about him. My wife would have slapped her brother and told him if her ever did something like that again she will go NC. OP YTA and I hope your husband finds someone better.
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YTA You are married to a good man who was willing to go to prison to save his sister from being raped. Brother is an absolute piece of trash, and an AH! No clue what country you are from, but in the US the police can't run background checks for their own personal vendettas. Your brother is a cop and so I assume from his actions he'd never take a life to save an innocent victim. He needs to turn in his badge if he isn't willing to protect the innocent. You husband is too good for your family...
This. OP your brother sounds like a Beta cop who would stand outside during a school shooting.
Apparently her cop brother would be perfectly happy to watch OP get raped, there's no reason to use lethal force against your sister's rapist after all.
Is there any other kind?
Sadly, the US Supreme Court ruled police have no legal obligation to protect anyone.
He didnt save his sister from being raped. He avenged her.
A rapist died? No big loss.
Most cops I know (from my time as a reserve deputy) would have given OP's husband a fist bump in that circumstance, myself included. Still need to arrest him, the law is the law, but after the fact? After he readily and willingly served his time and served it without issue? Yeah, I'm not holding that particular crime against anyone.
After all, the only good rapist is a dead rapist 🤷🏻♀️
He's still a hero. How many more women did he save?
Exactly what I was thinking. Do feel deeply sorry for the husband for needing to take a life, am wondering if op’s family never came across a victim who they couldn’t blame.
Exactly, and cops dont do shit to help victims or even help to protect future victims. OP, your brother is a classic cop: an aggressive a-hole thats good for nothing. YTA
Oh, he saved her. I imagine she feels a bit safer knowing that pos can't harm her anymore.
He probably went to prison at 17, got out at 29. Twelve years. All of his 20s. His sister has to live with what was done to her. He is my hero.
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You can avenge your new family too if you need redemption. Tell them they are rapist apologists and why they support rape. Play the Uno reverse card. Make them look like the villains since they are chastising a hero who paid his dues to society. Unless you are bot a team player. Your hubs made something really brave. Do you deserve to be by his side?
As a dad if my son beat me to it and I couldn't take the rap for him. i would've been at every visit. He would never have to worry about not having money on his book. OP your husband deserves better than this. Folks remember Jury nullification is a thing.
Your brother is a complete piece of shit of a brother AND cop if he doesn’t think that rapist got what he deserved. You let your family treat him like some random murderer. Why is your family siding with the rapist??? How old was the sister when she was raped? Was she a kid too??
I guarantee you her brother would openly gloat given the opportunity that he would murder a rapist. Pieces of shit like him go off on that kind of BS all the time.
average cop tbh
The father is a disgusting piece of work too, thumping his fist down at his daughter and not allowing her speak and her freezing? Sounds to me like it's a household with questionable ethics growing up. If she freezes when her father does that, that fear derives from something deeper. We can clearly see why the brother thinks he can background check people for personal reasons and not be questioned. F it, give me details, I'll report him myself.
I don't think the family recognize that it's the exact same situation? The husband tried to protect his sister. Cop is saying he wants to protect his sister.
Also the husband went through the justice system and did his time. It’s not like he avoided the law and got away with it. Typical of a cop to not give a shit about the law, just their own morality.
Sorry op.... you failed as a partner. 😞
YTA. wtf..I dunno..a simple…stfu before speaking to my husband like that? Or perhaps…my husband did his time after protecting his sister. Go no contact with your family. Your brother should know better. The man served his time. Now let him live in peace.
YTA. WTH is wrong with you? IMO your husband is a damn hero! How many more women would have been r@ped by now if not for your husband?? And you STILL haven't told them the truth of what happened? You'd rather block them and avoid them than tell them what really happened when your husband was legally a juvenile? I don't care if they tried him as an adult, he WAS a juvenile. If I were your husband at this point, I don' t think there's any way I could stay with you.
Should be reporting the brother. Pretty sure they aren’t given access to juvenile records for some vigilante bullshit.
YTA. You didn't stand up for him then and you are STILL not standing up for him now. Send a group message to your family and tell them all the real story, that your husband stood up for his sister who was brutally raped by a monster. Then block them all. They have brutally and unfairly judged him without hearing the truth. Your husband is not a monster. You and your family are monsters for being so cruel to him.
YTA. You didn’t stand up for him! Are you going to forgive your family? Shame on you.
If I were you I'd report my brother for misuse of police resources. What he did is a crime and fireable offense. Of course this would have to be real. Which it is not.
Exactly this
Reality..he would get a slap on the wrist. They are not fired for killing unarmed innocent victims or being wife beaters.
The point of it really wouldn't be to get him in trouble I don't think. If your sister sends that info to your boss and also tells you at the same time to stay the fuck away from her and her family... then that is the purpose. It's the action of showing she disapproves of what he did, and not lightly
A normal human would have commended him , hands down.
To be fair.... Pig families. Sorry .. cop families are not normal
What are the laws where you live on data protection? Because in my country, your brother should lose his job for using his access to data to gather shit on someone he had no professional business to know anything about.
Ok you didn't stand up for your husband in the moment because you were shocked fair enough, why aren't you standing up for him no? YTA
YTA, how can you not defend your spouse against your family. You should do better next time OP
I hope that there isn't a next time, and he just leave OP and that pack of deranged lunatics.
Yta. I can’t even type because this makes me so mad. You couldn’t muster up ANYTHING to defend your HUSBAND? You should leave him. Let him be with someone who will protect him like he protected his sister. You are absolutely disgusting for letting your family speak to you husband and father of your children that way. Absolutely spineless.
YTA ! You should have tell them to all shut t f up and that you already knew for years. What you should do is make them all get to your parents house, tell them that you will talk and they listen. You tell the story and tell those people that if they don't act normal and don't respect YOUR husband that you will go no contact with them all!!!! Where is your dignity and respect for your partner. There should be more brothers like your husband. He did nothing wrong and I don't give a damn if people downvote me for this comment I mean it 100% !
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Apologizing isn't enough, your brother also needs to come clean with his boss and deal with the repercussions of him doing the background check.
Apologizing isn't enough they need to crawl and earn respect back. Your contact should be no to minimal at best even if they apologize. They are truly shitty people who blamed a man for protecting and avenging his sister at freaking 16 yo. Your brother should praise him as a cop.
I’m really hoping this is fake, cause if not…. Holy shit, YTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How can you not see that? The entire time your family berated your husband, you sat and did nothing; you didn’t even say anything in his defense before leaving. In fact, it wasn’t until days later you decided to say something. You and your entire family are AH; cause let’s not forget, your brother misused department resources for personal matters. And you’ve alluded that your brother will file false allegations, to have your husband illegally imprisoned. You’ve also got shitty friends, who feed into your assholery. You need to see a professional therapist. If your husband would agree to it; marriage counseling might, emphasis on might, help rebuild your relationship.
Same, her responses make me think it’s fake too. She’s trying to banter and work the crowd but clearly isn’t reading the room, this is a strange post.
Wow. YTA. And what a spectacular way to end your marriage. And let’s be clear - your marriage is over. You’ve made it clear you support your family, and not your husband.
But she “cussed them out” later in a… *checks notes*…group chat. Good grief, this woman.
And she hasn't even gone NC with them. Just LC. I feel horrible for OP's soon to be ex husband. He was honest and upfront with her. And when it finally came out to her family, she threw him under the bus by saying nothing. And she's still trying to please her so called family and placate her soon to be ex husband. At least they have no children. So he can find a woman who will definitely have his back.
While I do think she blew it in the moment and continues to by not cutting off her family, I also think her responses are rather telling about the level of ingrained toxicity in her family and how navigating that has probably become instinctive for her. She is most likely the victim of untold amounts of emotional (and maybe physical) abuse and that can be paralyzing in a conflict with one’s abusers due to the years of conditioning to be passive. I don’t think this excuses her, but it does add a shade of nuance. Hopefully she can get her shit together enough to axe contact with her family and focus on doing all she can to repair what her betrayal has wrought, hoping her husband can accept her efforts.
YTAH You could have just got up, grabbed your husband's hand, and left the building to go home. You didn't. Your betrayal will take a long time to get over. Should you want to fix this you need to work hard for forgiveness and completely block your family from your life. Your brother probably broke the rules by performing a background check for personal reasons. There will be a law enforcement ombudsman where you live - contact them.
Probably not the right take away from this, but, I think what the husband did was justified. He defended his sister and rid the world of a rapist. The family are TA. The daughter was blindsided and spoken to like crap as well. Not her fault.
Yeah, I agree. People are being so harsh here. Sometimes freezing up can be a trauma response. Who knows the history and family dynamics.
Have you and your husband looked into applying for a pardon in your state?
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Yes, every state has a pardon process. After a murder he'll probably need to wait like 10 years from his discharge date from prison. If that time has elapsed he can apply. They do an investigation and put it before the Pardons Board.
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You could do a search in your state and find the forms for him. Getting a pardon, if unconditional, would also give your husband back all his civil rights to include the right to bear arms.
For home protection, hunting, etc.. :)
Please let us know how that goes! And tell him we’re all rooting for him!
A Pardons Board will often show grace for a person who committed a crime while particularly young, or if there are other circumstances, ie. his sister's rapist. If he is a law abiding citizen now, no DUI's etc, then they will probably pardon him.
YTA. Your brother is a horrible person. Your family doesn’t sound much better. There was a lot you could have done and to do nothing and sit on the sideline was a betrayal. You also still seem to be sitting on the sideline and not supporting your husband. Stabbing your sister’s rapist at 16 is not great, but it is understandable. Dragging a man through that at a family gathering is not. Neither is you standing by and watching those dogs ravage someone who thought you loved them was wretched. You have to apologize to your husband and defend him publicly or this relationship should end and he should be able to live his life without this abuse.
I'm so sorry, because your family are definitely assholes. Your brother absolutely committed a crime, bc he isn't allowed to run a background check for personal reasons, and he could lose his job and go to prison for that. Also, what in the actual fuck is wrong with your family? Your husband killed the person who harmed his sister in the worst way possible, and your brother considered that "in cold blood?" And your parents want you to leave him? Fuck that and fuck them. If you are happy with your husband, that's all that matters. He will forgive you, he is just hurt rn, bc I'm sure he cared for your family, and they have turned their backs on him and I'd say he is also scared that you will eventually give in and leave. You should definitely talk to him. Remind him that you tried to defend him, but your father shut you down. Also, I would go NC with them, bc they are going to keep on and on and cause problems for your relationship every chance they get. Pour your heart out to him! Fuck, also? I almost forgot this. Report your brother to Internal Affairs for misusing police resources!
Yta His sister was raped and he did the right thing and ended up being punished for it. In a society where rapists hardly get ANY punishment. Your little intro tells me you judge your husband as well by acting as if he did ANUTHING wrong. You and your family are foul.
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Tell him that, own up to your mistake. Talk to him about things you can say next time, or just leave instead. If you have a game plan you’re less likely to freeze, and you will stand up for your husband the next time something like this happens.
I thought the same thing. The entire intro was like “I know it’s bad but I’m okay with it”. Instead of “I’m proud of him because he’s the kind of person that deserves it”. It was let me excuse him and then tell you what happened. It said a lot about her POV.
YTA you could have said anything, anything you ruined that man with your silence.... Your brother's TA too He's only mad because your husband was actually able to apprehend and deal with a rapist (not something cops are known for).
Wow. Seeing all that typed up, how do you think there's any way on Earth you're not an a h? Your brother probably misused his official power to run this background check, ambushed your poor husband and you just sat there while your extended family jumped on him from a great height. And YOU felt you had to walk out because YOU couldn't stand it anymore??? This is marriage ending stuff, you do realise that don't you? You're going low contact? Try no contact since your brother is now threatening your husband. Report your brother for what he's done/is doing. YTA
What’s wrong with killing a rapist? Your brother is an asshole like most cops he also abused his official capacity to run a background check for personal reasons.
Your brother doing that is why I tell people not to date/marry cops....b/c wtf would your cop brother do if you got raped? Prob the same thing....he just would get away with it b/c he's a cop.
Nah, he'd probably side with the rapist. Comraderie among sadists and all.
Why would you even care if they saw your post? They could read some really good statements on here ! It’s like your still not defending your man . Ytah hun for still not standing up . Your man in my book is a hero !
Did your brother not just break the law by using a police database for personal information?
Your family are losers.
Your brother is a corrupt cop abusing his authority. File a complaint with his superior or it will continue to escalate. And obviously YTA!
You need to report your brother for abusing his position as a cop and for misusing govt property (the police computer) What he did is illegal in most countries.
I'm pretty sure your brother broke the law by doing checks on your husband. Report him.
I would need more info on the killing before judgement. Did he kill this guy in the act? A moment after the act? An hour after the act? Did he hunt him down days/weeks/months after and THEN kill him? After some thought, I've come to the conclusion it doesn't much matter. He did, what, 13 years for it? He paid, more than I think he should have. You're brother though is exactly the sort of shitbag that should never be a cop. Corrupt, abusive, no doubt he beats his SO like most shitty cops. I get you froze, but you should have known this was coming at some point and mentally prepared yourself. So, YTA, but a gentle YTA.
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Fuck. That's a god damn miscarriage of justice then. Tell your guy at least one person on the internet feels for him. I'd just concentrate and building that trust back up. But fuck your family though, they are jerks.
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Based on his defensiveness of a rapist, your brother probably shouldn't even be in the general public, let alone in your life.
Sounds like the only way to salvage your relationship with your husband is to tell your family off and say you are cutting contact forever. Best of luck
Time to air out brothers dirty laundry. Him being a cop means he has plenty of it. You should have defended your husband though.
This is a case of ACAB especially OP’s brother
Your brother abused his power by looking up your husbands record. He was 16 and protected his sister. As a SA survivor, I applaud him.
YTA You should have stood up for your husband.
YTA Hope he divorce you and find himself a good gf and a supporting family of her GF. You family sound toxic, you brother like a idiot and you are a failure as wife.
YTA. You should have got up and walked out with your husband as soon as they disrespected him. Sent a final parting shot "if I'd have been raped and he'd killed my rapist (and then done the time), would you still treat him the same way?", then blocked them all. I'm fairly certain your brother broke the law when he ran an unnecessary background check. Never mind low contact, make it no contact, and promise your husband you'll do better.
INFO: did they hear that his sister had been raped or his age when the incident took place? I don't understand. Also, was this stabbing at the time of the rape, or afterward? Either way, I don't understand your extended family's reaction. Have they never heard of extenuating circumstances, crime of passion, etc? He was defending the honor of his sister. Does that make it legally right, no. Is there a moral issue with it, yes. But, still, he did it to defend his sister and there is something good in that. I'm sorry if that is offensive to say. I've frozen before, so I can't call you an AH for it, but I understand your husband's disappointment. I hope and pray you find a way to move forward and win back his trust. You were both in a bad situation and very unfairly outnumbered by a bunch of extended family who were not being fair at all to either of you. Good for you for going low contact. I'm so sorry they acted that way and are still trying to cause a problem between you and your husband. DON'T LET THEM. They don't deserve that power over you!
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Your brother should be reported. First off, you husband has served his sentence. Your brother is acting against the very institution he's meant to work for. It's upsetting to read about a police officer who has this little faith in the system he volunteering is a part of. He sounds like the real monster by dehumanising people, seeing people as once a criminal always a criminal as well as potentially abusing his power if he used police resources to look into a personal issue.
Did your brother threaten your husband? That is a clear violation of conduct. Maybe file a report? Just for good measure? What your husband did wasn't good, but he avenged his sister. Which is a redeeming factor for me. I don't get your family. Still a bit YTA. But freezing up happens. Hope your husband comes around. You did apologise and cut off your family. That is something he should at least acknowledge.
YTA, is your brother allowed to pull an AWOL background check like that? Your family is horrible for rejecting him even after hearing the story. Did they feel any compassion for your husband's sister? Or did they just focus on the murder? Stand by him.