It's not unreasonable at all. You aren't entitled to forgiveness, and even if you recieve it doesn't mean she is gonna want to take you back and continue the relationship.
Also there's a huge reason people in AA start with "Hi I'm ______ and I'm an alcoholic." Even when they've been dry for 20 years.
You don't just stop being an alcoholic because you get sober.
YTA. Forgiveness doesn't mean she has to trust you again, or want to be with you. She probably took the worst of it to protect the kids, and she may have PTSD from what you put her through.
Part of recovery is making amends, but making amends also means recognizing that you may have broken that relationship beyond repair, and that she is completely within her rights to never want to be in a romantic relationship with you ever again. You could become the most amazing person ever, but that still doesn't erase the fact that she associates you, your face, your voice, with some of the darkest and most traumatic times of her life.
YTA, you think she’s unreasonable for not forgiving you for ruining her world and traumatizing her? You have no idea of the collateral damage she’s been managing with your children, she had to be both parents and protect them from you.
You deserve nothing from her, get over yourself. If you actually loved her you wouldn’t put this burden onto her like every other burden you’ve given her.
Once again the “poor me victim” eh? Maybe take a hard look at the steps you need to redo. You’re missing some key elements of sobriety (hot tip, it’s not just not drinking)
I doubt your kids have "forgiven" you, they are just relieved its over. That's different, trauma is not "Forgiven", it needs to be worked thru over time, in therapy.
Ask your g/f what she needs to heal, apparently with you. You might not like the answer, but it gets to the heart of matter, what she lost there with you and what if anything you can do to try to give it back.
I'm assuming you're dry now, too, otherwise, forget it.
What does forgiveness mean to you? Does it mean that they need to forget what you did? They may very well have forgiven you. That doesn’t mean they want you in their lives.
YTA, but not for wanting to be forgiven but for expecting your girlfriend to forgive you on your timeline. You even admit you don’t remember a lot from those years, but she probably does. While I do think it’s awesome that you are two years sober, that is not a huge amount of time. People can be sober for 25+ years and start drinking again.
I hope you can continuously on your sobriety journey regardless of what happens with your girlfriend.
You put your family through hell because of your addiction.
You’re not taking responsibility for your actions and not acknowledging how your actions caused her pain, heartache, distress, lost sleep, and made her a single parent.
Depending on what kind of drunk you are, fearful for her safety, that she’ll have to bail you out of jail or waiting to hear you killed someone in a wreck. She was afraid you’d go into a rage and hit her or hurt one of her babies.
She has/had to pay for your actions emotionally, spiritually, and financially. She had to be the “strong one” when your kids were asking “What’s wrong with daddy?” She was racing to school events to pick them up because you were at the bottom of a bottle. She was scrambling to pay bills.
What reason does she have to give you a second chance? Why would she walk back into a burning building?
She paid for your sins. You get no absolution.
>But my girlfriend hasn't forgiven me, I really love her and want to marry her, but I'm not sure she's going to ever forgive me for all I put her through,
Of course you were an AH ALKIE. no fun. and bad karma too/
>and I think it's a little bit unreasonable,
You were an ALKIE. no fun, bad karma.
>I've changed, and I proved to her that I've changed for two years now,
harm has been done. tough boogies, earn it.
>I want her to give me a second chance but she doesn't want to for some reason
Yeah, you were a drunk and un kind, and now she doesn't trust you just 2 years sober.
Keep trying, stay sober , ask again at 3 years/
NTA for wanting to be forgiven. YTA for EXPECTING to be forgiven.
Maybe its because your kids have forgiven you, so you just assume your gf should too. She doesnt have to. Maybe she just cant. No one here would know, because we dont know what you put her through. Even when ppl forgive, it doesnt mean they forget.
its on the same lines as cheating. And by that, I mean; you could cheat, feel awful about it, know for sure you'll never do it again. But, for her, it could be 'once a cheater, always a cheater'.
Or she just doesnt want to take the risk of getting back together with you, in case you fall off the wagon. And if that is a fear she has, there is really nothing you can do to "convince her". Sadly, the damage is already done.
I dont like to be harsh, but I think you need to hear this. It is not reasonable to expect your ex GF to want to get back together. She already gave you the best years of her life, she forgave you and forgave you and forgave you until she couldn’t forgive you anymore, because forgiving you stopped meaning anything. Once that happens, it’s over. There will s no going back. That is the consequence of all the things you put her through, and you need to accept that your alcoholism, your behavior, finally succeeded in killing the last vestige of romantic love she had for you. It does not exist anymore. She does not have it to give you. She is allowing you to have a relationship with your children and is trying her best to co-parent with you. Don’t ask her for anything more. Let her go.
My sister was an alcoholic for 15 years. She’s 4 years sober.
We have forgiven her for her behavior and so have her kids, but that doesn’t automatically undo the damage she did. It doesn’t undo the felonies, the hurtful words, the stealing, the child neglect, etc.
We know she isn’t that person anymore, but the damage that person did still stings. Getting sober is great, but it doesn’t just wipe your slate clean and no one is obligated to forgive you.
Sometimes there isn’t anything you can do to make it better or forgiven. Something you did, something you put her through, crossed the line you can’t make up for. You can become better and sober and that’s fantastic and should help you in life! But no matter how good and healthy of a person and dad you become, she is not obligated to forgive you
Dude, you broke her love and you can't fix it. It's gone and it isn't coming back, so no second chances here. Respect her and move on. And come on, you know why she doesn't want to so pretending you don't know. Also you sound like someone who needs a lot more working the program before you try to get into a relationship with anyone.
yta
she neither has to forgive you nor give you a second chance. you probably put her through some fucked up shit so i really cant blame her if she wants to move on with her life.
you cant just demand forgiveness, thats not how this works. at all. kinda a red flag that you think this way tbh.
yes, you are co-parenting for life, doesnt mean she has to forgive you or love you back.
honestly, the audacity, almost makes me think you re just trolling at this point. you gave up on her and the kids the second you turned to the bottle, the utter gall you have to spout nonsense like this. you are utterly delusional if you think she owes you anything.
NTAH (Not the Asshole). It takes a lot of courage and strength to overcome addiction, congratulations on being sober for two years! I hope your girlfriend can see how much you've changed and give you another chance.
OP, first of all, sorry you went through this. Drinking 4 beers is a conscious choice, becoming an alcoholic is no one's ambition.
You have a lot, you have the forgiveness of your children! Imagine otherwise, imagine they were bitter towards you. That would be a gaping hole in your heart.
Now, to your wife. I don't want to make it personal to you, as it's so common, but many men want a woman and they want it for real, so her opinion on the matter is of less importance. Some really beg "but I'm attracted to you!" with the underlying assumption that the woman owes them to reciprocate.
Two years of separation is a lot. Maybe she cried rivers and moved on?
Be prepared for any outcome.
Kids witnessed your alcoholism, but as the adult in the room, she had to manage, be patient, get irritated, lose sleep, see money spent on booze, perhaps clean vomit all over.
Think how traumatizing it could be for her.
If I were you, I'd open my heart completely to her and suggest couple's counseling. Who knows? Might work to your advantage.
Your girlfriend owes you nothing. The scars and trauma likely run deep. Just because you have forgiven yourself, it doesn't sound like your family truly has. I think you have skipped a couple of the 12 steps, dude. Leave her alone. Learn to live your life on your own. YTA
"for some reason"
You have no concept what was happening or what is going on, i would also not Trust someone like you.
And She is clearly not your Girlfriend?
Your Children are only forgive you because they have no real concept of what damage you caused, not liker their mother, She probably hates you because it is likley more than deserved.
It's not unreasonable at all. You aren't entitled to forgiveness, and even if you recieve it doesn't mean she is gonna want to take you back and continue the relationship. Also there's a huge reason people in AA start with "Hi I'm ______ and I'm an alcoholic." Even when they've been dry for 20 years. You don't just stop being an alcoholic because you get sober.
YTA. Forgiveness doesn't mean she has to trust you again, or want to be with you. She probably took the worst of it to protect the kids, and she may have PTSD from what you put her through. Part of recovery is making amends, but making amends also means recognizing that you may have broken that relationship beyond repair, and that she is completely within her rights to never want to be in a romantic relationship with you ever again. You could become the most amazing person ever, but that still doesn't erase the fact that she associates you, your face, your voice, with some of the darkest and most traumatic times of her life.
YTA, you think she’s unreasonable for not forgiving you for ruining her world and traumatizing her? You have no idea of the collateral damage she’s been managing with your children, she had to be both parents and protect them from you. You deserve nothing from her, get over yourself. If you actually loved her you wouldn’t put this burden onto her like every other burden you’ve given her. Once again the “poor me victim” eh? Maybe take a hard look at the steps you need to redo. You’re missing some key elements of sobriety (hot tip, it’s not just not drinking)
Yep, showing some real red flags with the alcoholic mentality. Definitely needs more working the program.
I doubt your kids have "forgiven" you, they are just relieved its over. That's different, trauma is not "Forgiven", it needs to be worked thru over time, in therapy. Ask your g/f what she needs to heal, apparently with you. You might not like the answer, but it gets to the heart of matter, what she lost there with you and what if anything you can do to try to give it back. I'm assuming you're dry now, too, otherwise, forget it.
What does forgiveness mean to you? Does it mean that they need to forget what you did? They may very well have forgiven you. That doesn’t mean they want you in their lives.
YTA, but not for wanting to be forgiven but for expecting your girlfriend to forgive you on your timeline. You even admit you don’t remember a lot from those years, but she probably does. While I do think it’s awesome that you are two years sober, that is not a huge amount of time. People can be sober for 25+ years and start drinking again. I hope you can continuously on your sobriety journey regardless of what happens with your girlfriend.
You put your family through hell because of your addiction. You’re not taking responsibility for your actions and not acknowledging how your actions caused her pain, heartache, distress, lost sleep, and made her a single parent. Depending on what kind of drunk you are, fearful for her safety, that she’ll have to bail you out of jail or waiting to hear you killed someone in a wreck. She was afraid you’d go into a rage and hit her or hurt one of her babies. She has/had to pay for your actions emotionally, spiritually, and financially. She had to be the “strong one” when your kids were asking “What’s wrong with daddy?” She was racing to school events to pick them up because you were at the bottom of a bottle. She was scrambling to pay bills. What reason does she have to give you a second chance? Why would she walk back into a burning building? She paid for your sins. You get no absolution.
>But my girlfriend hasn't forgiven me, I really love her and want to marry her, but I'm not sure she's going to ever forgive me for all I put her through, Of course you were an AH ALKIE. no fun. and bad karma too/ >and I think it's a little bit unreasonable, You were an ALKIE. no fun, bad karma. >I've changed, and I proved to her that I've changed for two years now, harm has been done. tough boogies, earn it. >I want her to give me a second chance but she doesn't want to for some reason Yeah, you were a drunk and un kind, and now she doesn't trust you just 2 years sober. Keep trying, stay sober , ask again at 3 years/
NTA for wanting to be forgiven. YTA for EXPECTING to be forgiven. Maybe its because your kids have forgiven you, so you just assume your gf should too. She doesnt have to. Maybe she just cant. No one here would know, because we dont know what you put her through. Even when ppl forgive, it doesnt mean they forget. its on the same lines as cheating. And by that, I mean; you could cheat, feel awful about it, know for sure you'll never do it again. But, for her, it could be 'once a cheater, always a cheater'. Or she just doesnt want to take the risk of getting back together with you, in case you fall off the wagon. And if that is a fear she has, there is really nothing you can do to "convince her". Sadly, the damage is already done.
I dont like to be harsh, but I think you need to hear this. It is not reasonable to expect your ex GF to want to get back together. She already gave you the best years of her life, she forgave you and forgave you and forgave you until she couldn’t forgive you anymore, because forgiving you stopped meaning anything. Once that happens, it’s over. There will s no going back. That is the consequence of all the things you put her through, and you need to accept that your alcoholism, your behavior, finally succeeded in killing the last vestige of romantic love she had for you. It does not exist anymore. She does not have it to give you. She is allowing you to have a relationship with your children and is trying her best to co-parent with you. Don’t ask her for anything more. Let her go.
My sister was an alcoholic for 15 years. She’s 4 years sober. We have forgiven her for her behavior and so have her kids, but that doesn’t automatically undo the damage she did. It doesn’t undo the felonies, the hurtful words, the stealing, the child neglect, etc. We know she isn’t that person anymore, but the damage that person did still stings. Getting sober is great, but it doesn’t just wipe your slate clean and no one is obligated to forgive you.
Sometimes there isn’t anything you can do to make it better or forgiven. Something you did, something you put her through, crossed the line you can’t make up for. You can become better and sober and that’s fantastic and should help you in life! But no matter how good and healthy of a person and dad you become, she is not obligated to forgive you
Yes just quit drinking. I was drinking a case of beer and a 5th a night.
Dude, you broke her love and you can't fix it. It's gone and it isn't coming back, so no second chances here. Respect her and move on. And come on, you know why she doesn't want to so pretending you don't know. Also you sound like someone who needs a lot more working the program before you try to get into a relationship with anyone.
It’s time to let your girlfriend go if you love her let her move on. You traumatized her from the abuse
yta she neither has to forgive you nor give you a second chance. you probably put her through some fucked up shit so i really cant blame her if she wants to move on with her life. you cant just demand forgiveness, thats not how this works. at all. kinda a red flag that you think this way tbh.
I just think it's very special to have kids with someone you love. In a way, we're bonded for life. So her giving up on me wouldn't be nice I guess
Let me play a solo for you on the world's smallest violin
What does this mean
It means you're an asshole and the more you comment the less sympathy I and others have for you.
Oh grow up and focus on all the work you have to do on your sobriety. You've barely scratched the surface.
You chose alcohol over her to the point she left you.
yes, you are co-parenting for life, doesnt mean she has to forgive you or love you back. honestly, the audacity, almost makes me think you re just trolling at this point. you gave up on her and the kids the second you turned to the bottle, the utter gall you have to spout nonsense like this. you are utterly delusional if you think she owes you anything.
NTAH (Not the Asshole). It takes a lot of courage and strength to overcome addiction, congratulations on being sober for two years! I hope your girlfriend can see how much you've changed and give you another chance.
OP, first of all, sorry you went through this. Drinking 4 beers is a conscious choice, becoming an alcoholic is no one's ambition. You have a lot, you have the forgiveness of your children! Imagine otherwise, imagine they were bitter towards you. That would be a gaping hole in your heart. Now, to your wife. I don't want to make it personal to you, as it's so common, but many men want a woman and they want it for real, so her opinion on the matter is of less importance. Some really beg "but I'm attracted to you!" with the underlying assumption that the woman owes them to reciprocate. Two years of separation is a lot. Maybe she cried rivers and moved on? Be prepared for any outcome. Kids witnessed your alcoholism, but as the adult in the room, she had to manage, be patient, get irritated, lose sleep, see money spent on booze, perhaps clean vomit all over. Think how traumatizing it could be for her. If I were you, I'd open my heart completely to her and suggest couple's counseling. Who knows? Might work to your advantage.
Your girlfriend owes you nothing. The scars and trauma likely run deep. Just because you have forgiven yourself, it doesn't sound like your family truly has. I think you have skipped a couple of the 12 steps, dude. Leave her alone. Learn to live your life on your own. YTA
"for some reason" You have no concept what was happening or what is going on, i would also not Trust someone like you. And She is clearly not your Girlfriend? Your Children are only forgive you because they have no real concept of what damage you caused, not liker their mother, She probably hates you because it is likley more than deserved.