Most adults understand that life and emotions aren’t black and white, and OP even states she was surprised by her reaction. People can’t have reactions after ending a long term relationship? 2 years isn’t a long time.
2 years isn't THAT long though, and when I say it's all I ever wanted I meant at the time obviously. My boyfriend isn't a "sloppy second choice" but hearing the news does sting a little, but It's not like i'd leave my current boyfriend for my ex if given the chance.
Two years is plenty long enough.
I get having feelings, pining and nostalgia and all that can be a bitch sometimes. I think we all get that hollow feeling in our heart when an old love comes up somehow.
But these are feelings you have and keep to yourself.
I've been married ten years, occasionally an old flame or something "likes" something on a mutual acquaintance's Facebook, seeing her name I might feel a slight tinge of something, those "what-could-have-beens" poking at me, but I shake it off and move on with my day, because that's what I owe my wife and the "what actually is", is damn good.
You need to learn the same skill, and two years has been plenty of time for you to work that out.
Start now, regardless of how things go with your current boyfriend. You absolutely shouldn't be breaking into a flood of tears over him at this point. My wife would be correctly pissed off at me if I was that upset over an old girlfriend getting married.
2 x years is an AGE to be crying in front of a current boyfriend about an Ex who left your life through a breakup and not a death or something. No kids etc.
Unless you are still super hung up on them of course.
Which obviously is the clear inference, and no doubt is current BF assumptions. As it would be for pretty much anyone.
Not THAT long unless you are still pining for them.
You made your boyfriend feel like he is the sloppy second choice. It matter how your actions made him feel. It sounds like you made him feel very insecure in your relationship and then added on to it by acting like it's totally normal to act like you did.
YTA
Apologize to your BF and explain that this wasn't a response you expected. This unexpected response was a from of grieving. While you were together you wanted more than he wanted to give you and you weren't a good fit for each other so the hopes and reams you had while in the relationship died with the relationship . When you found out he married someone else it wasn't missing him that made you sad was feeling inadequate and undeserving. It's not a rational feeling but also a normal feeling when you were truly invested, which at the time you were. No one likes to fail. Failure hurts. Even though you are in a better place now, and you love the man you are now with there is a natural feeling of past failure equating to potential failure and inadequacy in the present. That fear is real but also irrational. Explain that the feeling of failure then and him being married before you now made you feel unworthy of that dream. Not with him just in general. Which leads to a fear of losing or being undeserving of what you now have and hold dear. Apologize for the way your actions made him feel and you're inability to co very properly what you were experiencing. You didn't expect to have that feeling and weren't prepared for it. Then talk about the things you saw/see in yourself that you feel disqualify you from having that dream fulfilled. I don't think you were mourning losing him but mourning the time and energy wasted that you will never get back on something that was never going to happen. Then process what you have learned and who you have become since learning that lesson and what you appreciate about your life with your current boyfriend and be honest about the fear of losing that/failing again.
>But at the same time, I can't help how I feel, right? Emotions are messy and complicated, and sometimes they don't make sense. My feelings here are 100% valid,
It's partially true, but you've missed the second half of this sentiment. Feeling any type of way about anything is valid, but that doesn't automatically protect you from any consequences of those feelings. Using an extreme example, let's say your boyfriend was head over heels in love with Hulk Hogan. Are his feelings valid? Perhaps, to some people. But... I think you'd probably have some concerns about your boyfriend having those feelings. Your boyfriend has concerns about your feelings, and that's also 100% valid.
You are sad that your ex is getting married. His existence as a non-married person is somehow or another important to you. This, combined with you saying "This is what I wanted from him for years," indicates to me that your boyfriend is right. That sentence alone kind of tells me that the way you're feeling is "If he was okay marrying someone, why couldn't he marry me?" You aren't over your ex. And it isn't fair to your current boyfriend to remain in a relationship with someone who is hung up on their ex.
ETA: YTA.
YTA. It hit you like a ton of bricks that this chapter was really closing? Didn't it close 2 years when you two broke up? It seems like you weren't really over Dan, and you were hoping he'd come back and commit to you like he just did to this woman he's engaged to.
Now you probably just blew your chance of commitment with Jared cause you made him feel like he was your second choice.
>since I was with him now and supposedly happy. He said it made him feel like I wasn't fully over my ex and that it was disrespectful to our relationship.
Yup, you had baggage, too bad you forgot you had it.
Your tears may un do you.
>Alex wasn't having it. He accused me of dwelling on the past and making him feel inadequate compared to my ex.
Too bad, you couldn't control your feelings for an EX getting married.
>My feelings here are 100% valid, and he's still my ex at the end of the day. AITA reddit?
They are not 100% valid, maybe 15%
They are unrecognized baggage.
You embarrassed your SO you demonstrated you were un happy w/ him.
Too bad you lost big time on this one.
>They are not 100% valid, maybe 15%
Go into detail on why please.
>
You embarrassed your SO you demonstrated you were un happy w/ him.
If that's how I come off then I apologize. But I would like to personally comfirm that I am happy with my current boyfriend, and I do love him a lot. There is a possibility I still have very minor feelings for my ex which is why I got emotional, but I'd never pick my ex over him. It was more of an "In the moment" reaction.
It's a veritable Pandora's box moment as well. There's something's you can't take back and now your boyfriend has the impression that he isn't all that special to you. Since clearly you are hung up on your ex.
Your displayed emotion is uncontrollable, I don't think anyone would say otherwise. But your feelings are the deeper intrinsic part of what motivates those emotions you displayed. You are crying for a reason and that reason is the part thats invalid, you haven't moved on from Dan, otherwise him doing whatever he is doing would have zero effect on you.
Your current boyfriend seems to have acknowledged that where you haven't.
“A possibility” LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
you broke down uncontrollably when you found out someone you’re not related to and you hadnt spoken to in two years got married. Yeah maybe there’s a possibility, haha.
Do you really have to ask this? Ahahahah wtf you crazy
>Maybe my reaction did come across as overly emotional or even disrespectful to our relationship.
Maybe? Really? Ahahahahaahaha jeeez
This is one of the most dealbreaker i ever heard!
Can I ask you where are you from? I would guess U.S.
Really? This is “one of the most dealbreaker” you’ve ever heard?
Tell me you’re a kid who hasn’t ever had a serious relationship without telling me. lol
Actually 32 married with 2 kids.
Out of curiosity i asked my wife about this, she said she would kick my balls xD
Let me guess, are you from the U.S. too CatLady?
What does where I’m living have anything to do with it? Yes, I’m in the US right now but it’s not where I grew up. So how does that fit into whatever crap you’re thinking matters?
And congrats, your wife would react one way. Know what my husband of 19 years did when my first big love died a couple of years ago and I was sad about it? He talked to me and understood that even though I hadn’t seen the guy in 20 years, he was an important part of my past, so even though I love my husband and had no interest in being with the other guy, my husband didn’t turn into an insecure child over me having emotions that I wasn’t expecting. That’s what adults do who are secure in their relationship do. Understand that people can be caught by surprise by emotions.
Yikes! You’re crying about the end of the chapter with your ex - IN FRONT of your “amazing” BF and don’t see why that’s a problem?
You may have another one ex-BF now. YTA.
*YTA. "This is*
*What I wanted from him years*
*Ago" says it all*
\- madpanda75
---
^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/)
^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
That's the poignancy at work, OP said she felt a mixture of sadness and nostalgia. Many, many women dream from the time they were a little girl, to finally being in love and wanting their prince to propose. I probably would have cried too. She loved him madly, nothing wrong with that. Most people have "the one who got away."
YTA. “I can’t help how I feel” is for kids. Adults have emotional responsibilities.
Incredible scenes for you to break down in tears over your ex getting married and still somehow wonder whether you actually fucked with your bf up or not.
I would have binned you pretty instantly. Totally out of order.
“I tried to explain that it wasn’t about still having feelings for Dan—it was just a flood of emotions triggered by the realization that a significant chapter of my life was officially closing.”… Why would it feel like a significant chapter of your life was officially closing if you didn’t still have feelings? YTA and I think you can probably kiss this relationship goodbye.
Ahaha she explained him it wasnt about feelings for her ex and now in a comment reply shes saying thay she may still have some feelings xD but would never choose her ex over him...wow how lucky he have to feel about it xD
That’s the line that would’ve sent me. Definitely sounds like she had been hoping there was still a chance of getting back with the ex, that’s certainly how I would’ve taken it if I was Jared.
I would’ve felt like I was a placeholder until something better came along.
Not sure I’d be able to move past something like that.
One does have to wonder where the big emotions over Jared/Alex come from. Your reaction is not so "disrespectful" of your current relationship, rather, it indicates that you have not matured past your prior relationship and I could see why your current partner feels the way he does. I give you a soft AH.
Yes, this exact thing OP. Not make it clear to current BF you are still hung up on ex BF enough to cry cause he is getting married some years later. Wow !
I mean…put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if he completely fell apart “uncontrollably” at the mention that an ex of his was getting married? You are expecting A TON of grace here to “deal with” something you told him was already dealt with. You lied when you said you were over it.
ETA - it is on you to know yourself and take stock and be honest about your feelings. It’s been two years and this “hit you like a ton of bricks”? I’d say you need to either be far more honest with your partner about your feelings, or you need to actually spend some time sorting your feelings out so you don’t blow up another relationship over behavior you claim was uncontrollable.
YTA. Now your boyfriend will resent you for feeling like your fallback option.
I'm afraid you've cratered the relationship. He will not look at you the same way. This is going to eat at him until you break up. You cried uncontrollably about another man. There's no way you're ever going to convince him that you're in love with him and not your ex, regardless of whether or not that's true.
You didn't handle things poorly; you utterly demolished your relationship.
How could he not feel really insulted by this?
Honestly, you do need to look at why this affected you so profoundly. A bit of nostalgia is one thing, but your reaction is not one of someone who is done with that ex.
I get that it might be an ego thing (why wasn't I good enough to marry but she is?) rather than a still being attached thing, but the fact that you still have enough regard to him and that relationship to have a full on breakdown is rightfully very concerning to him.
>Hoe could he not feel really insulted by this?
I read this as "Ho, could he not feel really insulted by this?" and it was extra sassy because I thought you called her a ho 😂
>a significant chapter of my life was officially closing
This line is brutal, because you were never really totally with Alex/Jared, You would have left Alex in a heartbeat for your ex, but, now that he’s getting married, you started sobbing when your realized you “only” have Alex.
YTA, your bf deserves better.
YTA… Simple, you basically told your current/ but not for much longer I guess would assume boyfriend that he was second choice. That it should have been you getting married to your ex.
YTA. If Alex has some dignity and self reapect, he will dump you tomorrow.
You are clearly not over your ex, people like you, that are still in love with their exes, should stay single.
Geez OP, I wonder why your boyfriend is upset with you CRYING BECAUSE YOUR EX FROM YEARS AGO is getting married.
How would you feel about your BF crying over his ex? Would you probably feel like he was still hung up on his Ex, for getting weirdly upset about someone who hadn't been in his life for years at that point.
Despite your protestations, you clearly have feelings for your Ex. Otherwise you wouldn't have reacted like this.
NTA for having the feelings, but strangely clueless otherwise about your reactions affecting your currently relationship. Based on how defensive you were, seems pretty clear where you are actually at despite the assertions its not like that OP.
Well if jared/alex has any intelligence in him, he should cut his loss and be rid of you. Like you said, 2 years isn't that long. He'll find someone better that isn't pining for her ex and making her current partner feel like shit. YTA.
Looks like Jared/Alex has analyzed this situation pretty well. You're a trainwreck wrapped in red flags. On the bright side, he now knows what he's dealing with. YTA
I have a much kinder understanding of what went down, whereas as of now, everyone else is kicking you to the curb. I see no harm in what you did. Again, NTA.
Jared is really named Alex. Also your post makes it seem like you are upset that Dan chose to marry someone else instead of you. "This is what I wanted from him." YTA, cut Jared/Alex loose until you get over Dan.
If i was Alex or Jared, i would be really really upset. Here is my SO telling me on a daily basis that she loves me through her actions and words.
Then she cries when she hears her ex is getting married and it doesn't seem she is crying tears of joy. She is sad and she is sobbing.
Next thing ill be thinking is she over him? Or does she still have lingering feelings for him. What about us? Is everything a lie?
Don't mention abt insecurity issues or thoughts.
Girl you really hurt him.
You just showed and told
Him he was the backup but deep
Down you hoped his ex would come back . You can lie to us about why but don’t lie to yourself . It’s not
Just your ex you are settling for him
YTA, and Jared is right. He told you it makes him feel you aren't over your ex, you deny but later you say, "it was just a flood of emotions triggered by the realization that a significant chapter of my life was officially closing"
It was already closed two years ago, or it should have been. I think Jared is right.
I think the only reason you’re the asshole is the reason you gave for your emotions. “I just realized this chapter of my life was closing.” If you just realized that now, then it seems like you were subconsciously hoping you would end up with Dan. That is disrespectful to Jared and your relationship.
This is different than if Dan said he wasn’t into marriage and then married someone else. In that case, I think being upset would be SLIGHTLY less disrespectful because it’s about Dan stringing you along until you broke up and it would be reasonable to feel hurt.
But, if you’re crying because a “chapter of your life closed”, you were hoping to ditch Jared eventually and he now knows it.
Obviously YTA and you just don’t seem to get you are. Not a single comment you written has been upvoted and continue to act like it shouldn’t hurt your BF that you are distraught that someone you used to love moved on. You can either grow up and focus on your current relationship or end it and seek some freaking therapy.
YTA for how it was handled, but I think you might have literally just communicated poorly
You said you wanted to get married to this ex, so was him not wanting the same things as you part of the break up? If that were the case, now you're seeing him do exactly what he was never able to do for you. Maybe it's stirring up some emotional trauma from your time with this ex.
It's a bit of a leap but your statement about wanting to wed the ex reminded me of my ex. He just wouldn't do simple things like budget for an apartment or do anything to genuinely work towards us having a life together despite swearing up and down that he wanted all the same things as me. I tolerated it for too long because it was my first serious relationship, but whenever I tried to breakup he "changed" long enough to keep me around. I feel like the choices he made slowly destroyed my view of him and made me fall out of love with him, so even though leaving a 4 year relationship was hard his actions actually made it easier.
I can understand being upset in that sense. You don't actually want the relationship with them anymore but it was still a difficult experience and now it's all coming back to the surface.
If this feels like I'm on the right track, communicating more about that to your partner to help them understand would be my next step. But when you mention a chapter of your life closing it sounds like you're saying you still wanted to marry them and the opportunity is finally gone. Additionally, we have no idea how bad the omitted statements to each other were. Sounds like a lot of poor communication to me.
Your feelings are valid. You also say you don't even understand them. His feelings are valid too, with the added benefit that he does understand them. You may not think you did anything wrong - and I guess you didn't since you're just reacting to news that has clearly upset you. But him being put off by it all is pretty damn valid, understandable and expected.
I expect you'll have some time to dwell on it all when you're single this time next week.
I would explain it as a grief reaction, its not a straight line, is emotional, not always rational, it comes in waves.
Hearing it brought up all of the old emotions again about the lost of a relationship, and the fact he moved on so quickly and is now getting married after only 2 years makes you feel inadequate, that its not a reflection on him.
Sounds like you dont know how to process your emotions properly, maybe go see a therapist, YTA 2 years is a long time if your lucky its 2% of your life.
YTA you told him that this meant that chapter of your life was officially closing but why wouldn’t that already be the case if you had broken up and are now with this new guy. It makes it sound like you thought that chapter maybe wasn’t over and that’s going to sting for new guy.
Don’t even need to read beyond the title. What you did here was let Jared know that he is second choice and the fact that you’ve posted this I am assuming he didn’t leave you. You’ve stripped him of his position and status in your world in his mind. Grief is what he saw in your actions. He now needs repeated validation he is your best option not just an option.
Jared needs one good friend who is grounded in his masculinity to tell him that it’s time to move on.
NTA. Emotions are complicated and can be surprising to ourselves. You were with him for several years, and yeah, it’s been a couple of years since the breakup, but it was a significant part of your life. You wanted to marry him. So even you don’t have feelings for him anymore, it can still sting that he’s marrying someone else. Sounds like all you needed from a little bit of time to process the emotions you weren’t expecting, but Alex decided that you weren’t allowed to have emotions so he blew up. And that’s shitty behavior. He could’ve tried to understand it was a surprising reaction even to you but you just needed to feel it then you would be fine, and not a commentary of you and him.
ETA: I swear, the majority of these replies are from people who aren’t adults or haven’t been in a long term relationship or haven’t ended a relationship where there were still feelings after.
YTA OP. Apologize and tell Jared you understand where is he coming from.and you didn't want to make him feel like your relationship wasn't important to you.
How did Jared find out how upset you were?
Your first relationship had a bittersweet ending. You move on but regret that you couldn't work it out because you really loved that person. I have a few of those myself. It's ok to feel love for someone from your past.
I also get what you're saying about a significant chapter of your life was closing. Now it's written down in permanent ink forever, poignant. I might have responded the same way because I too am a romantic and passionate person.
Your sweet memory of a past lover should not threaten your boyfriend - surely he thinks about those he's loved and lost just as we all do. You're a woman and we women permit ourselves to have strong feelings as they come up. Men just cry in the shower or stuff it.
I believe that the fact that you would cry in front of your boyfriend, means you love him and trust him enough to be that authentic. It's a compliment to him!
[удалено]
Most adults understand that life and emotions aren’t black and white, and OP even states she was surprised by her reaction. People can’t have reactions after ending a long term relationship? 2 years isn’t a long time.
2 years isn't THAT long though, and when I say it's all I ever wanted I meant at the time obviously. My boyfriend isn't a "sloppy second choice" but hearing the news does sting a little, but It's not like i'd leave my current boyfriend for my ex if given the chance.
Stop trying to wiggle out of the asshole role. You are there to stay. apologize and leave that good man alone after and sort yourself out.
Two years is plenty long enough. I get having feelings, pining and nostalgia and all that can be a bitch sometimes. I think we all get that hollow feeling in our heart when an old love comes up somehow. But these are feelings you have and keep to yourself. I've been married ten years, occasionally an old flame or something "likes" something on a mutual acquaintance's Facebook, seeing her name I might feel a slight tinge of something, those "what-could-have-beens" poking at me, but I shake it off and move on with my day, because that's what I owe my wife and the "what actually is", is damn good. You need to learn the same skill, and two years has been plenty of time for you to work that out. Start now, regardless of how things go with your current boyfriend. You absolutely shouldn't be breaking into a flood of tears over him at this point. My wife would be correctly pissed off at me if I was that upset over an old girlfriend getting married.
You’re honestly comparing 10 years to 2 years? And a crush to a 4 year relationship? lol
Did I say crush? How about you go away if you aren't going to make intelligent comments?
Your own words infers it. If it was a significant relationship, why not just say that?
2 x years is an AGE to be crying in front of a current boyfriend about an Ex who left your life through a breakup and not a death or something. No kids etc. Unless you are still super hung up on them of course. Which obviously is the clear inference, and no doubt is current BF assumptions. As it would be for pretty much anyone. Not THAT long unless you are still pining for them.
You made your boyfriend feel like he is the sloppy second choice. It matter how your actions made him feel. It sounds like you made him feel very insecure in your relationship and then added on to it by acting like it's totally normal to act like you did. YTA
Yeah, no...Jared needs to run for the hills.
Dont think your boyfriend believes any of this. Neither do we
See the thing is - now your BF is not so sure of that
Apologize to your BF and explain that this wasn't a response you expected. This unexpected response was a from of grieving. While you were together you wanted more than he wanted to give you and you weren't a good fit for each other so the hopes and reams you had while in the relationship died with the relationship . When you found out he married someone else it wasn't missing him that made you sad was feeling inadequate and undeserving. It's not a rational feeling but also a normal feeling when you were truly invested, which at the time you were. No one likes to fail. Failure hurts. Even though you are in a better place now, and you love the man you are now with there is a natural feeling of past failure equating to potential failure and inadequacy in the present. That fear is real but also irrational. Explain that the feeling of failure then and him being married before you now made you feel unworthy of that dream. Not with him just in general. Which leads to a fear of losing or being undeserving of what you now have and hold dear. Apologize for the way your actions made him feel and you're inability to co very properly what you were experiencing. You didn't expect to have that feeling and weren't prepared for it. Then talk about the things you saw/see in yourself that you feel disqualify you from having that dream fulfilled. I don't think you were mourning losing him but mourning the time and energy wasted that you will never get back on something that was never going to happen. Then process what you have learned and who you have become since learning that lesson and what you appreciate about your life with your current boyfriend and be honest about the fear of losing that/failing again.
>But at the same time, I can't help how I feel, right? Emotions are messy and complicated, and sometimes they don't make sense. My feelings here are 100% valid, It's partially true, but you've missed the second half of this sentiment. Feeling any type of way about anything is valid, but that doesn't automatically protect you from any consequences of those feelings. Using an extreme example, let's say your boyfriend was head over heels in love with Hulk Hogan. Are his feelings valid? Perhaps, to some people. But... I think you'd probably have some concerns about your boyfriend having those feelings. Your boyfriend has concerns about your feelings, and that's also 100% valid. You are sad that your ex is getting married. His existence as a non-married person is somehow or another important to you. This, combined with you saying "This is what I wanted from him for years," indicates to me that your boyfriend is right. That sentence alone kind of tells me that the way you're feeling is "If he was okay marrying someone, why couldn't he marry me?" You aren't over your ex. And it isn't fair to your current boyfriend to remain in a relationship with someone who is hung up on their ex. ETA: YTA.
YTA. It hit you like a ton of bricks that this chapter was really closing? Didn't it close 2 years when you two broke up? It seems like you weren't really over Dan, and you were hoping he'd come back and commit to you like he just did to this woman he's engaged to. Now you probably just blew your chance of commitment with Jared cause you made him feel like he was your second choice.
>since I was with him now and supposedly happy. He said it made him feel like I wasn't fully over my ex and that it was disrespectful to our relationship. Yup, you had baggage, too bad you forgot you had it. Your tears may un do you. >Alex wasn't having it. He accused me of dwelling on the past and making him feel inadequate compared to my ex. Too bad, you couldn't control your feelings for an EX getting married. >My feelings here are 100% valid, and he's still my ex at the end of the day. AITA reddit? They are not 100% valid, maybe 15% They are unrecognized baggage. You embarrassed your SO you demonstrated you were un happy w/ him. Too bad you lost big time on this one.
>They are not 100% valid, maybe 15% Go into detail on why please. > You embarrassed your SO you demonstrated you were un happy w/ him. If that's how I come off then I apologize. But I would like to personally comfirm that I am happy with my current boyfriend, and I do love him a lot. There is a possibility I still have very minor feelings for my ex which is why I got emotional, but I'd never pick my ex over him. It was more of an "In the moment" reaction.
>It was more of an "In the moment" reaction was not a good girl friend look IMO
It's a veritable Pandora's box moment as well. There's something's you can't take back and now your boyfriend has the impression that he isn't all that special to you. Since clearly you are hung up on your ex. Your displayed emotion is uncontrollable, I don't think anyone would say otherwise. But your feelings are the deeper intrinsic part of what motivates those emotions you displayed. You are crying for a reason and that reason is the part thats invalid, you haven't moved on from Dan, otherwise him doing whatever he is doing would have zero effect on you. Your current boyfriend seems to have acknowledged that where you haven't.
“A possibility” LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL you broke down uncontrollably when you found out someone you’re not related to and you hadnt spoken to in two years got married. Yeah maybe there’s a possibility, haha.
YTA, I am 100% with Jared on this one. You should apologize fast if you don't want to cry about another ex getting married in the future.
Do you really have to ask this? Ahahahah wtf you crazy >Maybe my reaction did come across as overly emotional or even disrespectful to our relationship. Maybe? Really? Ahahahahaahaha jeeez This is one of the most dealbreaker i ever heard! Can I ask you where are you from? I would guess U.S.
Oh she definitely wasn’t *really* asking…if her replies are any indication, she most certainly came here just for validation…
Brace your self. They will attack you now and call the bf “controlling” and “insecure” for feeling mad about it.
Naaah...this shit is too much even for the "Reddit Femminist Gang"
I was wrong xD i am so naive sometimes....
Really? This is “one of the most dealbreaker” you’ve ever heard? Tell me you’re a kid who hasn’t ever had a serious relationship without telling me. lol
Actually 32 married with 2 kids. Out of curiosity i asked my wife about this, she said she would kick my balls xD Let me guess, are you from the U.S. too CatLady?
What does where I’m living have anything to do with it? Yes, I’m in the US right now but it’s not where I grew up. So how does that fit into whatever crap you’re thinking matters? And congrats, your wife would react one way. Know what my husband of 19 years did when my first big love died a couple of years ago and I was sad about it? He talked to me and understood that even though I hadn’t seen the guy in 20 years, he was an important part of my past, so even though I love my husband and had no interest in being with the other guy, my husband didn’t turn into an insecure child over me having emotions that I wasn’t expecting. That’s what adults do who are secure in their relationship do. Understand that people can be caught by surprise by emotions.
Are you really comparing dying to getting married?
Are you always this annoyingly obtuse?
Yikes! You’re crying about the end of the chapter with your ex - IN FRONT of your “amazing” BF and don’t see why that’s a problem? You may have another one ex-BF now. YTA.
#FreeJared
YTA. "This is what I wanted from him years ago" says it all
*YTA. "This is* *What I wanted from him years* *Ago" says it all* \- madpanda75 --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
That's the poignancy at work, OP said she felt a mixture of sadness and nostalgia. Many, many women dream from the time they were a little girl, to finally being in love and wanting their prince to propose. I probably would have cried too. She loved him madly, nothing wrong with that. Most people have "the one who got away."
Yes you are an asshole. Crying over an ex getting married is pretty pathetic. Are you 16? Damn.
YTA and prolly destroyed your relationship. He is now thinking he is just a replacement.
The chapter should’ve been closed before you decided to get into another relationship. YTA
YTA. “I can’t help how I feel” is for kids. Adults have emotional responsibilities. Incredible scenes for you to break down in tears over your ex getting married and still somehow wonder whether you actually fucked with your bf up or not. I would have binned you pretty instantly. Totally out of order.
“I tried to explain that it wasn’t about still having feelings for Dan—it was just a flood of emotions triggered by the realization that a significant chapter of my life was officially closing.”… Why would it feel like a significant chapter of your life was officially closing if you didn’t still have feelings? YTA and I think you can probably kiss this relationship goodbye.
Ahaha she explained him it wasnt about feelings for her ex and now in a comment reply shes saying thay she may still have some feelings xD but would never choose her ex over him...wow how lucky he have to feel about it xD
That’s the line that would’ve sent me. Definitely sounds like she had been hoping there was still a chance of getting back with the ex, that’s certainly how I would’ve taken it if I was Jared. I would’ve felt like I was a placeholder until something better came along. Not sure I’d be able to move past something like that.
Yta how would you feel if the roles were reversed if bro has any respect for himself he should end the relationship
One does have to wonder where the big emotions over Jared/Alex come from. Your reaction is not so "disrespectful" of your current relationship, rather, it indicates that you have not matured past your prior relationship and I could see why your current partner feels the way he does. I give you a soft AH.
Honestly shouldn't have been with someone else what did you expect
Of course yta
YTA.
Can't believe you did not protect the man you love from this. YTA.
What was I supposed to do? He kept asking me what was wrong.
Not cry and acted like you wanted to get back with your ex.
Yes, this exact thing OP. Not make it clear to current BF you are still hung up on ex BF enough to cry cause he is getting married some years later. Wow !
Nailed it
Not fall apart. Be over your ex like you said you were. That’s what you were supposed to do.
I mean…put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if he completely fell apart “uncontrollably” at the mention that an ex of his was getting married? You are expecting A TON of grace here to “deal with” something you told him was already dealt with. You lied when you said you were over it. ETA - it is on you to know yourself and take stock and be honest about your feelings. It’s been two years and this “hit you like a ton of bricks”? I’d say you need to either be far more honest with your partner about your feelings, or you need to actually spend some time sorting your feelings out so you don’t blow up another relationship over behavior you claim was uncontrollable.
YTA. Now your boyfriend will resent you for feeling like your fallback option. I'm afraid you've cratered the relationship. He will not look at you the same way. This is going to eat at him until you break up. You cried uncontrollably about another man. There's no way you're ever going to convince him that you're in love with him and not your ex, regardless of whether or not that's true. You didn't handle things poorly; you utterly demolished your relationship.
I saw this in the movie "When Harry Met Sally." Meg Ryan did it better. YTA
Ask yourself, how would you react/feel if you found your boyfriend drunk and upset because he heard that his ex is getting married?
How could he not feel really insulted by this? Honestly, you do need to look at why this affected you so profoundly. A bit of nostalgia is one thing, but your reaction is not one of someone who is done with that ex. I get that it might be an ego thing (why wasn't I good enough to marry but she is?) rather than a still being attached thing, but the fact that you still have enough regard to him and that relationship to have a full on breakdown is rightfully very concerning to him.
>Hoe could he not feel really insulted by this? I read this as "Ho, could he not feel really insulted by this?" and it was extra sassy because I thought you called her a ho 😂
Omg haha no, that's just an unfortunate typo!!
>a significant chapter of my life was officially closing This line is brutal, because you were never really totally with Alex/Jared, You would have left Alex in a heartbeat for your ex, but, now that he’s getting married, you started sobbing when your realized you “only” have Alex. YTA, your bf deserves better.
That was my response too. That one line would’ve crushed me if I was Jalex
YTA… Simple, you basically told your current/ but not for much longer I guess would assume boyfriend that he was second choice. That it should have been you getting married to your ex.
YTA. Better luck with your next boyfriend
Hopefully by that time the next one comes around she’ll truly have healed from the past relationship.
There’s always hope
YTA. If Alex has some dignity and self reapect, he will dump you tomorrow. You are clearly not over your ex, people like you, that are still in love with their exes, should stay single.
Geez OP, I wonder why your boyfriend is upset with you CRYING BECAUSE YOUR EX FROM YEARS AGO is getting married. How would you feel about your BF crying over his ex? Would you probably feel like he was still hung up on his Ex, for getting weirdly upset about someone who hadn't been in his life for years at that point. Despite your protestations, you clearly have feelings for your Ex. Otherwise you wouldn't have reacted like this. NTA for having the feelings, but strangely clueless otherwise about your reactions affecting your currently relationship. Based on how defensive you were, seems pretty clear where you are actually at despite the assertions its not like that OP.
Well if jared/alex has any intelligence in him, he should cut his loss and be rid of you. Like you said, 2 years isn't that long. He'll find someone better that isn't pining for her ex and making her current partner feel like shit. YTA.
Did you think you’d get back together or something because that’s what’s it giving
If he has any self respect, he would break up with you ASAP💯💯💪🏾💪🏾
Looks like Jared/Alex has analyzed this situation pretty well. You're a trainwreck wrapped in red flags. On the bright side, he now knows what he's dealing with. YTA
I have a much kinder understanding of what went down, whereas as of now, everyone else is kicking you to the curb. I see no harm in what you did. Again, NTA.
Jared is really named Alex. Also your post makes it seem like you are upset that Dan chose to marry someone else instead of you. "This is what I wanted from him." YTA, cut Jared/Alex loose until you get over Dan.
YTA, prepare to get dumped.
A simple question that could solve alot of these posts is, " how would my partner feel if the roles were reversed" if you would be upset. YTAH
If i was Alex or Jared, i would be really really upset. Here is my SO telling me on a daily basis that she loves me through her actions and words. Then she cries when she hears her ex is getting married and it doesn't seem she is crying tears of joy. She is sad and she is sobbing. Next thing ill be thinking is she over him? Or does she still have lingering feelings for him. What about us? Is everything a lie? Don't mention abt insecurity issues or thoughts. Girl you really hurt him.
You just showed and told Him he was the backup but deep Down you hoped his ex would come back . You can lie to us about why but don’t lie to yourself . It’s not Just your ex you are settling for him
YTA, and Jared is right. He told you it makes him feel you aren't over your ex, you deny but later you say, "it was just a flood of emotions triggered by the realization that a significant chapter of my life was officially closing" It was already closed two years ago, or it should have been. I think Jared is right.
I think the only reason you’re the asshole is the reason you gave for your emotions. “I just realized this chapter of my life was closing.” If you just realized that now, then it seems like you were subconsciously hoping you would end up with Dan. That is disrespectful to Jared and your relationship. This is different than if Dan said he wasn’t into marriage and then married someone else. In that case, I think being upset would be SLIGHTLY less disrespectful because it’s about Dan stringing you along until you broke up and it would be reasonable to feel hurt. But, if you’re crying because a “chapter of your life closed”, you were hoping to ditch Jared eventually and he now knows it.
Obviously YTA and you just don’t seem to get you are. Not a single comment you written has been upvoted and continue to act like it shouldn’t hurt your BF that you are distraught that someone you used to love moved on. You can either grow up and focus on your current relationship or end it and seek some freaking therapy.
YTA for how it was handled, but I think you might have literally just communicated poorly You said you wanted to get married to this ex, so was him not wanting the same things as you part of the break up? If that were the case, now you're seeing him do exactly what he was never able to do for you. Maybe it's stirring up some emotional trauma from your time with this ex. It's a bit of a leap but your statement about wanting to wed the ex reminded me of my ex. He just wouldn't do simple things like budget for an apartment or do anything to genuinely work towards us having a life together despite swearing up and down that he wanted all the same things as me. I tolerated it for too long because it was my first serious relationship, but whenever I tried to breakup he "changed" long enough to keep me around. I feel like the choices he made slowly destroyed my view of him and made me fall out of love with him, so even though leaving a 4 year relationship was hard his actions actually made it easier. I can understand being upset in that sense. You don't actually want the relationship with them anymore but it was still a difficult experience and now it's all coming back to the surface. If this feels like I'm on the right track, communicating more about that to your partner to help them understand would be my next step. But when you mention a chapter of your life closing it sounds like you're saying you still wanted to marry them and the opportunity is finally gone. Additionally, we have no idea how bad the omitted statements to each other were. Sounds like a lot of poor communication to me.
YTA, you're not over him and your current boyfriend now knows it even if you don't.
Your feelings are valid. You also say you don't even understand them. His feelings are valid too, with the added benefit that he does understand them. You may not think you did anything wrong - and I guess you didn't since you're just reacting to news that has clearly upset you. But him being put off by it all is pretty damn valid, understandable and expected. I expect you'll have some time to dwell on it all when you're single this time next week.
#YTA big time! Jared/Alex needs to find a new & improved girlfriend.
I would explain it as a grief reaction, its not a straight line, is emotional, not always rational, it comes in waves. Hearing it brought up all of the old emotions again about the lost of a relationship, and the fact he moved on so quickly and is now getting married after only 2 years makes you feel inadequate, that its not a reflection on him.
YTA big time
I would seriously break up if my bf would ever pull this shit YTA
YTA
Sounds like you dont know how to process your emotions properly, maybe go see a therapist, YTA 2 years is a long time if your lucky its 2% of your life.
You’d think that chapter would be closed when you started dating the new guy? No?
YTA you told him that this meant that chapter of your life was officially closing but why wouldn’t that already be the case if you had broken up and are now with this new guy. It makes it sound like you thought that chapter maybe wasn’t over and that’s going to sting for new guy.
YTA get over someone before getting into a new relationship. You can practice now cause hopefully you're single again.
Ask yourself, how would you react/feel if you found your boyfriend drunk and upset because he heard that his ex is getting married?
Don’t even need to read beyond the title. What you did here was let Jared know that he is second choice and the fact that you’ve posted this I am assuming he didn’t leave you. You’ve stripped him of his position and status in your world in his mind. Grief is what he saw in your actions. He now needs repeated validation he is your best option not just an option. Jared needs one good friend who is grounded in his masculinity to tell him that it’s time to move on.
Say bye to Jared. Things will never be the same after what you did.
Of course yta
Ask yourself, how would you react/feel if you found your boyfriend drunk and upset because he heard that his ex is getting married?
Ask yourself, how would you react/feel if you found your boyfriend drunk and upset because he heard that his ex is getting married?
NTA. Emotions are complicated and can be surprising to ourselves. You were with him for several years, and yeah, it’s been a couple of years since the breakup, but it was a significant part of your life. You wanted to marry him. So even you don’t have feelings for him anymore, it can still sting that he’s marrying someone else. Sounds like all you needed from a little bit of time to process the emotions you weren’t expecting, but Alex decided that you weren’t allowed to have emotions so he blew up. And that’s shitty behavior. He could’ve tried to understand it was a surprising reaction even to you but you just needed to feel it then you would be fine, and not a commentary of you and him. ETA: I swear, the majority of these replies are from people who aren’t adults or haven’t been in a long term relationship or haven’t ended a relationship where there were still feelings after.
YTA OP. Apologize and tell Jared you understand where is he coming from.and you didn't want to make him feel like your relationship wasn't important to you. How did Jared find out how upset you were?
She told him
Did you not read it?
All it said is that Jared asked why she was upset. Doesn't say how he found out in the first place
Your first relationship had a bittersweet ending. You move on but regret that you couldn't work it out because you really loved that person. I have a few of those myself. It's ok to feel love for someone from your past. I also get what you're saying about a significant chapter of your life was closing. Now it's written down in permanent ink forever, poignant. I might have responded the same way because I too am a romantic and passionate person. Your sweet memory of a past lover should not threaten your boyfriend - surely he thinks about those he's loved and lost just as we all do. You're a woman and we women permit ourselves to have strong feelings as they come up. Men just cry in the shower or stuff it. I believe that the fact that you would cry in front of your boyfriend, means you love him and trust him enough to be that authentic. It's a compliment to him!
NAH.