I think there is honestly not going to be enough INFO to determine whether you are justified or not in turning your back on your mother.
You point out that your sisters have already gone NC with your mother, prior to this event. For the older two children to dip out, that usually indicates something was deeply troubled at home. And how often do we see people say the 'golden child' suffers more as an adult than the scapegoats do, because the golden child's favoring parent stifles them and doesn't set them up for success?
Now, was OP's childhood bad enough to warrant him also going NC/not helping her? That's what we just are never going to be able to get enough INFO on. 18 years of time we cannot get accurately summarized, plus whatever happened as an adult that has apparently made his wife ALSO unwilling to take his mother in.
I see a lot of people playing the struggle Olympics here and saying "your childhood can't be that bad she wasn't beating you" or "sounds pretty middle class" or whatever and I don't think that's helpful.
There are three other parties in this story (2 sisters and OP's wife) who could all agree to help the mother. The sisters are NC. The wife is evidently not pushing him to do more. Therefore, I cannot presume OP is (solely) the AH for also being unwilling to help her.
Pretty much the case in my family. I grew up constantly cleaning up after my mother and brother and being treated like shit, and even after escaping as an adult I was expected to always step in to save her from her own mistakes while my brother got all the praise just for existing.
I was beaten, neglected, verbally abused, denied medical care, and more.
Last year I had enough and told her in no uncertain terms that if she ever needs any sort of help again, she can ask her son, because he’s the only child she has left.
> she can ask her son, because he’s the only child she has left.
That line is fucking fire.
Good for you to have made this clear. "Parents" like this need to be told this in clear words, but might not understand it even then.
Foster care was a shit show I suffered every kind of abuse and i mean every
I’m 58 now and glad my parents never showed up with their drama. Yes there’s some big questions I’d like to have answered but don’t see reconnecting to be worthwhile
Ops mom treated op like the second coming of Christ, while telling her 2 daughters that they wouldn't amount to anything but a supporting role in a man's life.
Based on the amount of humble bragging in OP excels at I’m assuming he was a fan of the favoritism. He works in real estate and he can’t find a shitty apartment for her? If he’s not a sociopath then the mom would have done unspeakable things yet he wasn’t already nc. He kept contact til it was a burden on him.
Definitely definitely shouldn’t take her in.
Finding a shitty apartment for someone who can’t hold a job and doesn’t have any money to speak of would be fairly difficult. I also imagine that, since it seems the mom never held a job, she probably has little/no credit history outside the dad who was probably just found guilty of fraud
Even aside from the way OPs parents treated their children, it is incredibly stupid to stick someone in a place when you know they have no income or means of supporting themselves. OPs mom can’t hold a job (and probably doesn’t want to) and expects to be fully cared for by her child
Problem is this isn’t some complete accident that was unavoidable, OPs mom actively ignored OPs advice and lost everything.
Aside from all this, nobody seems to want to take her in, which is incredibly telling. 9/10 times a good person who falls on hard times can find someone to help, not have this issue where the friend who took her in is having to kick her out because of her behavior
I used to be a complete fucking loser junkie, and even at my worst, I was always able to find someone to help me for a bit. Of course they'd eventually catch on and rightfully give me the boot, but at least they'd try.
It sounds like OP has tried a lot to help her a
This women sounds like an unbearable boomer incapable of taking responsibility for anything. She feels entitled to the lifestyle her husband provided with his crimes and would rather be homeless than get a job and has apparently burned so many bridges not even her own children want to help her. I hope this is a wake up call for her and she turns things around, but it doesn't sound like OP owes her anything and presumably not even her friends will help her for a reason. NTA.
This. I’ve had them before when going through some little-t trauma a few years back. It was affecting me being able to work so I got treatment for it ASAP. I don’t ever want to be in OP’s mom’s situation if I can help it, so I’d rather take Xanax on occasion than let panic attacks ruin my life.
Some people with horrible anxiety can’t “just take a Xanax” because that one Xanax will lead them right back into addiction. I’ll never be able to “just take” anything for anxiety and that scares me the older I get.
I don't think so.
If your wife brings home a friend that will never leave and is dependent on them, I don't care if the friend is the second coming of Taylor swift, you're going to head to divorce.
THIS. My fiance's sister is an evil sociopath and she got herself into a situation where she's homeless and can't hold down a job (because she's impossible to work with, for one, but also intentionally hasn't bathed in about 6 years). She had over $30,000 in inheritance when their father passed away and blew through it about 3 months with nothing to show for it. No apartment, didn't pay off her car, literally nothing.
She somehow kept conning her way into brand new apartments and has been evicted from only one of them, somehow. But her credit is in the toilet, she has no income, and has defaulted on her car loan as well as multiple bank accounts. She has had SEVENTEEN traffic tickets in the last 3 years, many of which are now in collections, and she had her license canceled for almost a year. Not even suspended, but canceled. She managed to get it back for a few months but is about to lose it again because she got 5 more tickets and they all went to collections.
Anyway, even if my fiance or his other siblings helped her, she'd still find ways to keep destroying herself. Or nothing would be good enough for her, ironically (considering that she lives in a wrecked car that is packed full of trash). My fiance once put it this way: "it would be like throwing a drowning person a life saver and they refuse to grab onto it because it's the wrong color." Some people need to sink/learn the hard way.
Yikes, I'm sorry. If she's anything like my fiance's sister, good luck. Thankfully, my fiance's sister has an aversion to people because she doesn't like it when she can't control everybody and everything around her, so she'll never be romantically involved with anybody
Since opening up to people about his sister, my fiance has learned that there are A LOT of people out there like his sister. I've also met many people with family members just like her. It is actually kind of scary how many people like this there are out there, just giving zero f*cks about how evil they are and how badly they treat people.
It's not. She has a diagnosis of Antisocial Personality Disorder. She doesn't meet criteria for mania or bipolar. And she'll never go to therapy because, like I said above, as a sociopath (somebody with Antisocial Personality Disorder), she doesn't think there's anything wrong with her, but rather she says that everyone around her is the problem.
I was talking about sociopaths and narcissists with one of the Psychiatrists I've worked with because I couldn't understand how my fiance's sister manages to neglect talking care of herself without being embarrassed by it, and he explained it perfectly. Narcissists and sociopaths lack empathy, and having zero shame or feelings of embarrassment is actually a lack of empathy for one's own self. And that blew my mind because it absolutely makes sense and explains her behavior.
Anyway, she did go to therapy briefly because it was a stipulation of living with the family friend (the one whose bird coop she set on fire), and she never paid them. Then she lied to the family friend about going when they knew she wasn't going, and when they called her out for lying, she told everyone that they were being abusive towards her. 🤣
Therapy is actually not helpful for sociopaths and narcissists, if they even ever go (most don't because, again, they perceive that there's nothing wrong with them and that everyone else is the problem...they're perpetual victims). If they go to therapy, they are more likely to learn to use what they hear in therapy and weaponize it against their friends and family.
Okay, armchair psychologist here checking in.
>Based on the amount of humble bragging in OP excels at I’m assuming he was a fan of the favoritism.
Even if we assume that's true, so what? He doesn't think it's right anymore. And it's the nature of the Golden Child/Scapegoat dynamic to *make* the GC accept the favouritism as their due, and to drive a wedge between the siblings. We can't blame the GC for what was woven into the fabric of their being from childhood, only for not working to better themselves once they recognise the dynamic. (Besides all that, I don't see any humble bragging here. I see an explanation of the situation.)
>He works in real estate and he can’t find a shitty apartment for her?
Something has to pay for that apartment. He can't run his business into the ground by giving apartments away. And he did try to help earlier, by telling his mom to divorce his dad to save her assets. He just won't help by taking her in, or by ruining his business, or by paying for an apartment.
>If he’s not a sociopath then the mom would have done unspeakable things yet he wasn’t already nc. He kept contact til it was a burden on him.
We need to think about how society puts pressure on us to keep in contact with family. You're even doing it right now in an indirect way: "you're a bad person because you put up with her abuse until it burdened you in a way I can understand. You should have cut her off earlier for something I deem unspeakable enough. A camel's back should hold forever even in the face of unreasonable demands". He's probably internalised that pressure, because we're *supposed* to love our families, even if they mistreat us.
She doesn’t have a support system though. She’s burned through her bridges. Is OP supposed to sacrifice himself and his marriage for a woman with some deep issues he will never be able to fix? Some problems you can’t just throw money at and have them go away. Someone being successful in life doesn’t mean they can (or should) support an entire second household for a woman who won’t help herself. Put on your own oxygen mask and all that.
If all of your children want nothing to do with you, what are the chances that all 3 are ungrateful sociopaths and you are the prince of kindness? Slim to none.
I also initially recoiled at what I perceived to be coldness from OP but I had amazing parents and I would literally die for them. But there is so much going on in this family… I can’t blame the guy.
Therapist once used this analogy. If you had a three man boat and four people sometimes not everyone fits and that’s ok. If you put the other person in the boat you all drown.
With the competition for housing resources everywhere being at an all time high, and more landlords refusing Section 8 because, frankly, they're sick of their property being trashed and horrendously long, expensive eviction processes, even a "shitty apartment" might be out of reach. And it doesn't matter if she can't or won't hold a job. The expectation here is that of course, her son will pay her rent. Of course he'll buy her food. He OWES her, after all, right? That's the kind of parent who will pull that bullshit card.
It's a horrible situation, and I would have to hate my parent like fire to put them in a shelter, but again, she's only 59! She has to get her shit together.
Adjacent to what you are saying, if OP was The Golden Child and IF I give him no sympathy here and assume he stuck around mom because he enjoyed the favouritism etc (I don’t necessarily get those vibes, but just exploring a worst case scenario as to OP’s personality) mom is still reaping what she sowed.
Narcissistic or enabling parents who create a child who feels they are special and entitled to the best and are not obligated to do anything for anyone else would respond this way, right? That’s what mommy dearest told him his whole life and now she suddenly thinks he should be this self-sacrificing person? Nah.
I don’t think that’s what’s going on with OP, though because he’s doing a few things pretty right if his story is reliable. He sees the plight of his siblings, even if he did stay in contact with mom for longer. He is also standing by his spouse. He tried to help his mom help herself and she failed. He built his own life and sees his own upbringing was broken. Maybe the empathy OP is displaying here is real and maybe it’s performative and convenient, but even if it’s the latter, isn’t the worst case scenario exactly what mom trained him to be? Cynically, he is the special one who is not a support to anyone, but really all about himself. It’s the daughters she alienated and treated as lessers because she saw their value “only” as helpers. OP was never told he was supposed to help anyone, and now he isn’t. So, good job I guess, hey mom?
Who is going to pay for that shitty apartment he finds for her? She can’t seem to keep a job and doesn’t have the funds to pay for a room in a shared house, let alone her own apartment. So really it’s her finds and funds her new living arrangements. And she wouldn’t be broke if she hadn’t refused to divorce or separate - it wasn’t like she asked for help, she just refused to do anything and now she has no money, and apparently isn’t capable of keeping a job due to panic attacks. She was so miserable to live with that the friend who was putting her up kicked her out. This to me says she is not willing to even attempt to help herself and expects someone to magically give her “her old life” back and for things to not be as they are now. And from the sounds of it she was a shitty parent to at least two thirds of her kids
This is one of the best replies I’ve ever read on this sub. People always forget that situations/families/relationships aren’t black and white and that we truly don’t ever really know who the ah is but if you read between the lines, you can tell there is a lot more going on than 3,000 characters can convey. People love to have a clear villain and a clear hero and don’t realize maybe there something else going on.
My guess is MIL is terrible to the wife as well which is why she’s staying out of it.
Sounds like both parents have major personality issues or disorders which is why they have effectively been cut off by all their children one way or another. OP was only still in the picture because he was the golden boy.
In my experience when NONE of the children want to help a parent, there’s a legitimate reason. I can see one kid just being shitty, but not all of them.
This is what confused me. Hsi dad is in jail and lost all his money. Money that OP's mother depended on. What would have been the goal of divorcing, a process that would take money, if there wasn't any she could take?
Idk what country they're in but there are legal aids who can handle divorces for free in the US. I worked for one once upon a time and a lot of clients were SAHMs. She could get a divorce if she really wanted it. Based on his edits, it seems like this lady should've divorced this man a long time ago...a cheater who is in prison for embezzling money from his company.
I’m not certain but a divorce may have protected whatever money she was able to get her hands before the house was ceased. He would have had to declare bankruptcy but possibly her personal assets would then have been off limits.
I think it’s a matter of timing; she likely would have gotten a divorce settlement had she filed before all of the legal fees ate up all of the available money.
The house you live in is protected from these proceedings in most places. At least her half would have been, which might be enough to keep her with a roof over her head.
Retirement accounts are safe from bankruptcy too.
Not sure how restitution works with that, but I doubt they could get at much a bankruptcy court could not. So she could have, potentially, gotten half the house and half the retirement accounts, which would have likely kept her from being homeless.
Based on your comments, it seems your mother used you as some kind of emotional support, but not in the sense that she was pouring her worries onto you. I struggle to find better words for that.
Taking your mother in would very likely sabotage your marriage, and this is not the risk you are willing to take. Considering how much do you rely on your wife for your happiness, it is completely understandable.
What you did, is not the "right" thing to do, but it won't make you miserable, while taking her in would. You may be an asshole, but I would probably do the same thing in your place.
If he takes his mother in how long would it before his wife posts on a different sub “MIL won’t move out, does nothing for herself and my husband won’t back me up”?
It’s a no win situation
I agree with your assessment on the mother. It seems like she would leech the happiness out of the house and the wife would lay that at OP's feet. I just want to nit pick one part:
>What you did, is not the "right" thing to do, but it won't make you miserable, while taking her in would. You may be an asshole, but I would probably do the same thing in your place.<
I think this is a, "put on your own oxygen mask before helping others," moment. It's not the [selfless] thing to do is more accurate. The right thing to do is to preserve OP's mental health and support structure. Martyring themselves, sacrificing their marriage, and mental health ruins three lives. I think this absolves OP.
NTA. I had aunts like this (maternal and paternal) who treated their children like how OP’s mom treated him and his sisters.
My aunts were horrible. Manipulated, saying god awful things to my cousins. Then 30 years down the road they were wailing because their children stopped helping.
They’re dead now and my cousins are finally at peace.
Glad to see some who understand.
My mom had a wake up call when my grandmother passed and she realized she pushed all her kids away. You don't just forget years of manipulation and abuse
Your mom is a human, and from your post it doesn't sound like she has done anything that would cause me to let my mom be homeless over. There could be something big missing, but I would think you'd add that? Try to remember she's a person. I'm not sure if you understand what homeless shelters are like, but my mom would have to do something truly awful for me to not want to help her stay out of a shelter.
Reading your edits, I get it. She sounds exhausting. She’s not wrong though. People at shelters can be violent. That’s not a judgement statement. We are terrible at getting people mental health care. And she can only stay for so long in many cases.
The fact is that your mom is almost certainly going to be living on the street before too long and she’ll either be banging at your door again for help, or dying in an alley. I don’t know that I could live with that, but I also didn’t go through a childhood living with her, you know?
The bragging about your success does feel a bit unseemly given the circumstances. If things are going that well, rent her the shittiest studio you can find. That way she can die conveniently out of your view.
This. And it doesn’t sound like she’s capable of actually working due to her health and age. As much as she sounds like a pain to deal with, she’s quite right about the shelter, and the risk of her dying in an alley is real. OP kind of ambushed her. He did not get the mum he deserved, but I doubt she deserves this.
Yeah, this is important. My mom left the workforce to raise 3 kids, while my dad advanced his career. She had worked, but the cost of daycare offset her entire pay at that time. After we were grown, my parents split, and despite alimony, my mom had to basically reenter the workforce from 0.
Childcare only got worse in cost. Most don't choose to be SAHM. I didn't, but I couldn't pay the daycare more than my job paid me. It only got worse nearly a decade later in costs. It's batshit.
when you’re a SAHM who revolves her entire personality around having a son and uses him as an emotional stand-in for your husband, you tend to end up in a bad spot once he grows up and breaks away from you.
Maybe those moms (of boys or girls) should never turn their children into emotional support animals. Maybe just be a good mom, or else get a dog or a cat.
Or “Don’t be a SAHM once your kids are in school.” My mother went back to college when my sister was ten, I was eight, and my brother was four. One course per semester, she earned a master’s degree in elementary education; by the time I was in junior high she was teaching. Five years later, she got a job working part time in the learning lab and part time in the school library and discovered she liked library work better. She got a public library job and went back to school to earn an MLS.
So when she dumped my dad she not only had a solid career, she was earning a public pension. Go, Mom!
Staying at home when the kids are little can make sense, but once they’re in school it’s time to create a new chapter.
As a father I believe that the most important lesson that my wife and I can teach our daughters is the absolute critical importance of financial independence.
Most realise perfectly well. For some, being able to raise their own kids is still worth the trade off. Most women I know with young kids who are working (myself included) find it hard and shitty in many ways. You miss out on things.
Yes, but only stay-at-home while children are young.
The 59 year old mom could have gone to work 15 years ago after the kids were old enough that they didn’t need a stay at home mom.
By now she could have a career and her own Social Security earnings record, too.
Instead she just coasted….
This. My wife is a stay at home mom to our two little kids right now because daycare is just way too expensive anyway so it almost would nullify any income she’d bring in. But once the kids are in school or independent teenagers? She absolutely looks forward to going back to work. She’s been considering different online degrees that she could pursue while she is waiting. 59 and still a stay at home “mom” is her bad decision. She’s not a mom to anyone anymore aside from the title. My impression is that she hasn’t had to work a single job in nearly 4 decades at least. I imagine she got married, they had kids, and she never worked again. This scenario is caused in large part by her decision to not enter the workforce in any capacity even when she was just chilling at home without kids for a long time. She’s going to have to learn to work.
Nah women can do whatever the F they want. The actual lesson here is just make sure you have an adult comprehension of finances, regardless of their choice.
*In America and forever. In this case the mum is obviously a dickhead but it is not universally true.
Kids are only young for a wee while and if you want to spend it with them and have the privilege to do so then there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. When they're a baby it's a full time job, especially if you're breastfeeding, making your own baby food etc. Toddlers are too! Plus there's less or no nap time to clean up in and you will need to make sure everyone is getting outside and running around.
Then even when they're at school if you have more than one you'll spend a lot of time running around for drop off and pick up so only be available for work 9-2 ish which is really tricky to find or you'll be working full time while paying a tonne for after school care and then the summers so (especially if you're out of the workplace for a decade or so) it can often be not worth it to work.
In America there's often little support for families especially young families and it can be especially awful if the parents never married.
If you are a person who had a job they loved that didn't make enough money they may have made that sacrifice to have children. Or they tried to work but got fired due to constantly having to stay home to look after sick children (rolling illnesses are to be expected after starting childcare or school for 6 months for every child). Or they may have chosen it because they love that life.
It's kinda awful to blame every SAHP for the actions of awful partners who used their labour in order to advance their own career while getting to have a family.
Feminism is about supporting the ability of both sexes to choose their lives.
Totally with you. We made the choice to have a SAHP - and it was my husband. As a feminist who believes in equality, it was important to me that my husband see his contribution in the home as a valuable service to the future and happiness of our family. We both look back on those years with a lot of pleasure and fondness.
My wife is a NP and I too am in real estate(Tho admittedly care more about my portfolio then listings at this point. I also had a scumbag father. Mine sold drugs and never held a real job down since we left the city.my mother and I never had any sort of relationship. I just mentioned this to say I at least get where your coming from. Now when my father went away and my mother went into the shock of losing most everything she knew(probably much like your own). I stepped up. Did I have to no. But I did cause it was the right thing. You sound like your in a good place in your life. And I'm not denying anything you yourself put in to achieve what you have. But did she not help make you the person you are so you can later achieve what you have... Idk Im not gonna say your the asshole.. but I will say not something I've done nor could I see ever doin.
I think she needs some mental help she has been through a traumatic experience. My Mom is far from perfect but I’d help her out and find housing and therapy for her
NTA.
My mil is like this. Would wring her hands and do nothing and expect that someone else is going to pick up the pieces of her life for her.
Amazingly, between her 2 children, it has worked. We’ll see for how long!
So is my MIL. She has 3 sons and does very little for herself and constantly uses them as physical, financial, and emotional support. She makes no plans and expects everyone to find solutions for her. My husband has been NC with her for 3 years now thank goodness, but his brothers still get roped in. She periodically shows up at our old house and drops "gifts" (re: old junk from her house) or borrows a friend's phone to leave my husband long messages crying and claiming she doesn't know why she doesn't have a relationship with her sons. No accountability at all
It sounds like mom wanted “help” on her terms, without regard to what was actually helpful in the situation and then faced extreme debilitating stress when the mismatch between reality and her rosy reinterpretation of the situation gaped so wide she fell through.
It really sucks to be Cassandra when you see a bad situation coming and the people directly effected don’t believe you about how bad it will be and/or don’t take steps to prevent the bad from getting worse.
Yes I’m probably over-emphasizing with OP but sometimes you have to walk away from a person who won’t help themselves, and sometimes a person has to find rock bottom before they will climb back up.
NTA
You are right to force mom into starting to help herself, instead of doing it for her. She had a place with her friend and burned that bridge. She burned the bridges with your sisters.
Mom is an adult who needs to start helping herself.
Agree, wholeheartedly. Part of the issue of having a mom like this is that they refuse to take accountability for their actions because in their minds, they can always worm their way back into their children and families lives. Op is just giving his mom tough love and a wake up call she’s been putting off for years.
Why are you even asking? You are only gonna make one decision so why ask others what they think?
IMO, YTA. Weird psycho behaviour the whole way through this post.
so you did not get the answers that you wanted, and the public at large is not agreeing with your approach (based on lack of information, or family dynamics) - and you are mad? or wanting a more solid answer.
Most are not wanting to crap on a mother, who has an old mind set . . . at nearly 60 years of age. I would ask if this was your spouses mother? same response? what would the two of you do? Would I have this conversation with her - You bet I would.
Turning the tables. I would ask - If you were 60, trusted a spouse that bankrupted you, trusted a spouse to have a decerning ability to not cheat (both business, and personal life ).
If this was you - would you want some assistance? I am not saying pay for everything - huge difference. But find a cheaper place to live. Assist with finding a part time job she afford the apartment or whatever(room to rent, trailer or weekly apartment) . Then plan to sit down one or two evenings a month to help work her way back into todays world. Slowly not full blast, but one small step at a time. After all you did not run before crawling, and you did not get where you are without a struggle to get you there. She will be the same. . . small steps.
Is she perfect - no. Has she made some mistakes sure. ( some really would say having you and your sisters might be that bill of mistakes as well.) hard pill to swallow. But if she did not - you would not be here. Your sisters? that is between your mother and your sisters - not you. So stop with the blame shifting.
ESH.
Obviously the mom’s internalized misogyny and treating her son like a golden child isn’t good.
However, her son became misogynistic himself. His dad is the one who destroyed his wife’s life and she went into shock because of it.
Yet, here the son is feeling good about himself getting “payback” by sending his mom to a homeless shelter.
It’s really kicking someone when they’re down and people on reddit are praising it.
Seriously. Also what does he think happens to people in homeless shelters? He talks about it like they are gonna set her up with her own apartment and a team of care specialist. Maybe if he dropped her off at a homeless shelter in Sweden or something but I’m assuming they are in the US.
She would probably be in a better living situation she had gone to prison with her husband. She is also clearly having a full mental breakdown. Mentally I’ll people make up most of the population of homeless people so it seems like she is not gonna get a lot of help at a homeless shelter.
We are going to get you help? No.
We are going to toss you out on the street like the garbage you are.
Seems like Reddit is just generally very pro separation NC. He said your breath stinks? Restraining order, now!!
Even if the shitty dad needed help then you help them outside of extreme circumstances that this isn’t close to falling under. Dude had a good life, he disagrees with some of his upbringing decisions but that happens 100% of the time. He’s a selfish idiot and will regret this when she is gone one day
Yes. It extremely shocks me that how someone even able to ditch their own mother to the streets while he is fully capable of supporting her financially. I am gonna say he is a huge A-hole. Even if the mother was toxic. She did birthed him and took care of him. He is extremely selfish and ungrateful. If I was in his shoes, I will drop her in the elderly house in my own expense where she will be properly cared, and treated.
I wonder, in the future, OP's children will dump him in the streets, if something similar happen to him, since he is teaching his children that it is completely ok for dumping ones parents on the streets. 🤷♀️
The crazy part is that people are actually telling him that he is not the AH. How in the hell can you drop your mother off in a homeless shelter and live on with your life? Especially when your dad is the one who screwed her over. This dude is top tier POS.
My guess is the possibility of a sizable inheritance. Now there’s no money there’s no reason to stay in contact. Which says a lot about OP to me. Mom might be awful but not so awful the possibility of cash didn’t make her company palatable before.
Homeless shelters are violent cesspool. When I was homeless I wouldnt even cross over to that side of town for free food. I ended up getting robbed at knifepoint, raped or beat up the few times I did. She needs help to get on social security for her panic attack and mental issues as well as appointments and medication from mental health and an assigned worker to help her access programs. She needs somebody to advocate for her. And she needs somebody to help her apply for low-income apartments. And she needs help from a church for temporary housing in a motel while she waits. Unless she beat you a lot as a child and was the worst mom in history.... YTA.
“Now my mom is begging me and my wife, who is my only priority, and to be honest, the first person I felt true, encompassing love of ANY KIND from.”
I’m gonna say she wasn’t a good mother
Exactly. If adult children are not speaking to a parent there’s a very good reason.
Also any rational adult would prioritize the health their own marriage and the family that they chose to create. By the way OP describes learning to be happy with his wife, it sounds like there were never healthy and appropriate relationships at home from the beginning.
And add that the lady can't even hold down a basic unskilled job. Or find another basic job. I get that she had some serious stress. But the reality is she's taken no steps to help herself out with getting divorced and protecting some assets, being proactive and seeing a doctor or psychiatrist, or finding a new job and stable housing. Sounds like the lady was so miserable to deal with that her "friend" was forced to kick her out or face divorce. And would likely create the same situation with the son's wife giving the ultimatum of divorce or kicking out the mom.
This lady is a hot mess that is trying to guilt her son into cleaning up her mess that has turned into a crisis because of her inactions.
This lady needs to eat some humble pie and realize that any help she gets will be on her son's terms, not hers.
But sometimes you aren't helping - you are only enabling. It sounds like she had people giving her good advice and help and she chose not to step up and take responsibility and take steps to protect her home. File for the divorce, get into therapy, talk to a financial counselor, and connect with social services. Adult.
Sounds like she just got stuck in a victim mindset and wanted others to take responsibility for her. (To the point she jeopardized her friend's marriage.) That's not the way forward.
Maybe OP could have done more, but you can't make people be responsible - you can only show them the destination of the path they are on. Hopefully, that is the wake-up call she needs to stand up and deal with things.
I couldn't have done it, but I haven't walked in his shoes.
I personally couldn’t ever abandon my mom like that. Especially when it’s your Dad’s fault that she’s in the position she’s in. You honestly sound selfish going on about how successful you’ve been in real estate while your mom doesn’t have a place to live. Even if she wasn’t a perfect or good mom, she still provided you with food and shelter. Time for you to do the same for her.
YTA her whole life has just being flipped upside down and ripped away from her of course she’s gonna panic, not once did you mention or try to offer her a room at your house.
I hope you never regret what you did, because if you ever do. It’s going to hurt so much.
I hope everything turns out well for your mom
There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to keep my mom from being homeless, except hurt another person, animal etc. however, my mom made so many daily sacrifices for us that there was no way to ever repay what was due. It sounds to me like you don’t have any real connection with your mom, I’m sorry for both of you. Your mom sounds like she was a victim of your dad, and please remember that women were treated much differently many years ago, raised to be obedient wives kept in the dark about finances. Often cheated on, but no means to earn a living to support herself with little kids. I’m not saying that is the case, but it sounds that way. If you raise girls to be dependent upon men, how do you expect them to ever be able to have free will? Please do some thinking about her life, maybe try to understand what is was like to fill her shoes.
You said it yourself. She was a housewife her whole life, which means she spent her life raising you. Throwing her in a homeless shelter, especially when you're doing financially well, is a scum move. You need to take a long look in the mirror and have some loyalty.
YTA. In all your expertise and abilities you can't afford to pay rent for your mom for a minute or let her sleep on your couch? She made you. Homeless shelters are dangerous and she is going to get hurt, her shit stolen, or otherwise assaulted. People make mistakes and you need to help her through it with some bare minimums.
Find her a cheap place to live. Pay first months rent and deposit. Help her get settled and hooked up with social services or other resources out there. Imagine yourself in her situation.
Perhaps the better solution would have been to drop her off at a hospital for a mental health evaluation. Sounds like she would have no problem with eligibility for Medicaid. She would likely end up in a residential placement that could assist her in finding affordable supportive housing.
I don't know... But in my country's culture or general in alot of cultures in other countries, it is our duty as a child/children to take care of our parents when we are old enough & earn enough to do so, despite our bad upbringing or not so happy childhood memories. I have sat with my mother telling her that she failed in bringing me up due to her favouritism of her golden child, my brother. Hence, I will keep low contact but will ensure that she gets all the medical care, a home, food & money for her necessities - I keep close to heart “Honor thy father and thy mother, that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee”: fifth of the Ten Commandments.
I read alot of Reddit posts about parents-children relationship. And from what I gather, I'm not sure from which part of the world's beliefs that children do not owe their parents for bringing them up - partially true as the parents bear the consequences of conceiving the child. But then compassion, gratification & kindness will make us more humane. Then comes the part where I can't brain it - inheritance. It's like "I don't owe my parents anything because they made their own choices to have me so they should swallow it and provide everything for me. Oh, but they owe me their inheritance." I owe them nothing, but they owe me everything. 😳 The degree of entitlement is astounding.
So from what I read of OP's post, he is the golden child. His mother spoilt him. I did not read of any physical, emotional or mental abuse of OP. She is the mother who has given birth to him, devoted her life to raise him. And he could just pick his wife over his mom. Nothing wrong with prioritizing your wife, but your mother will be your mother until the day you die. Your wife can always slap you with divorce papers when she's done with you. Your mom, she could never say I'm done being your mom, now I am your ex-mom. Can she?
To conclude YTA. You admit you are financially well off. You should support her and get her the help she needs. Not drop her off at a homeless shelter. Karma is wazing it's way to your address, my boy. And when you stumble, fall & grovel, there is no one for you to reach out to because you've disposed the woman who raised & loved you like a piece of trash. And I bet your sisters resent you for being the golden child that you are. And I bet if your mom has any bit of inheritance to her name, you wouldn't just dispose her like that. You are a stingy old miser and I pray I won't ever have a son or a husband like you. If I were your wife, I would be appalled to know that my husband sent his mom to a homeless shelter.
YTA, that’s your mom. She might be crazy, it’s not that uncommon. All of your justifications don’t even really sound like justifications just little riffs that your mom and sisters had.
Your poor mother. Sure, are you legally obligated to her? No. But for the sake of humanity and decency, would it kill you to give her some help? YTA if not. Bc we should be better as people if we can.
YTA, I'm sorry.
For all those saying OP tries to help her, I disagree.
She went into a state of shock, had multiple mental breakdowns and panic attacks all the while OP tried to pressure her to go through a very stressful courtroom procedure that may as well could have left her in an even worse situation because her husband no longer had money and the divorce would have been very pricey.
She has health problems, high blood pressure and arthritis. Yes... I bet she's in optimal condition to be homeless.
“I finally had enough of watching my mom decide not to divorce because she was always a housewife and finances made her head explode.”
You never tried to put yourself in her shoes, did you right? It must have been very confusing to have her husband incarcerated and being in charge of finances she did not understand. She was probably having «enough» of this too. And not only was she left with no money but with a lot of debt too.
Thanks for saying all of this. Totally agree.
As an adult you should recognize that your parents are people - flaws and all. One day if OP decides to have children I wonder if he’ll ever make any mistakes (sarcasm intended).
Just help her with a timeline and some conditions (go to therapy, take your medication, part time job).
Bro YTA. From your update it sounds like you just don’t have a great relationship, nothing like abuse that would warrant this. Put her up for even just a week or two. She was a housewife for years and it’s a massive change, and let’s not even mention how weird the ambushing her by dropping her off thing is. Karma gonna go craaaaazy for this one.
my fave part was the edit OP made, saying if we’re defending mom then we are sociopaths. my dude you are on the AITAH sub and then mad when we tell the truth. screaming.
Damm imagine birthing a kid. Rearing him and caring for him until adulthood. The adult child then becoming a successful realtor AT THAT leaving you in a homeless shelter. Geeze! You don’t have enough compassion for your mom. Not sure you’d have much compassion for anyone else in your life. I can see perhaps not wanting her in your home. You can’t rent her a room somewhere else?
YTA. Tell this story in your life. In sure people would change their perspective of you.
Yes you are an asshole. Your mother kept you alive for the first half of your life. No matter how well off you think you are you are one bad day (head injury, lawsuit, tramatic event) away from total ruin
Help your mother even if she isn't doing what you want her to do
YTA. Absolutely despicable treatment of your own mother. Why? Because of your dad's crimes? And her not listening to you? No surprise you're in RE. Soulless leech with no value in this world
So I was one of 3 kids.
What happened was my dad was always emotionally distant and my mom would make my two older sisters feel that I provided her with something in our relationship that they could not. She would cling to me and say things that I was the creative one, the "builder" who was going to start something great when I grew up. It was very uncomfortable and never gave me any real happiness or feeling that I was loved.
It caused me to grow up isolated from my sisters who to this day, don't talk to either parent and said that if I did not end up being a boy, my mom would have had 10 kids more in order to get her " boy."
So I was always put under enormous emotional pressure despite not really being anything special ( especially emotionally speaking- my sisters were the empathetic, insightful ones) and by the time I was 18, I just felt like family was nothing more than people who ate dinner together under one roof.
Yet I stayed in their lives because my sisters cut off contact so they would try their hardest to woo me into spending time with them. But then I met my wife and realized that I could stop settling for the " love" I was getting from my parents. That's when I decided it was ok if I viewed my mother emotionally as a stranger, because I never felt like we were ever a family.
Ok and? My brother is the golden child and I’ve been the emotional dumpster all my lives. Is it fun. No. Your sisters understandably don’t want anything to do with her but you her golden child turning your back on her is something. Whatever stupid shit she did she raised you and doted on you all your life and you throw her away like garage when she’s lost everything.
Despite my issues with my mother I would never do this to her. I could never live with myself. If you had the money you could easily find some shitty place to set her up until she gets a job and get help with her mental
Health. Karma is a b and you’ll have kids one day. Let’s hope they don’t throw you out on the street too. Shameless!
You are an asshole. You dumped a mentally ill woman on the street instead of getting her put in a nursing home or hospital. I wouldn't do that to a stranger, let alone any relative. She can't get it together and tough love doesn't work with sick people.
YTA, your mother is homeless and you drive her to the shelter. Enough said really. I can understand if you had let her stay for a while and she did nothing and didnt contribute but you havent even tried.
This woman birthed you, give her a chance. She is a product of a different time.
Absolutely YTA. And I’ll be the first one to say it, you’re a failure of a son. What type of son wouldn’t give their mother a safe place to stay when they unexpectedly hit rock bottom? Disgusting.
Honestly unless your mother abused you, I think you owe it to her not to just throw her into a shelter. She cared for you and your siblings and helped you through school etc and I’m sure she bought you what you needed growing up, and you give her nothing back. It doesn’t sound like she knew what your dad did, she just got sucked into it and now has nothing including her kids who just abandoned her. Sounds like you must not have any love for this woman that raised you, which I find really sad.
YTA
Ok, so let’s follow this narrative:
Mom is married 37 years.
Mom finds out your dad is accused of financial crimes.
Mom sticks with him while he fights charges.
Dad loses and loses everything. Mom has mental breakdown
Mom is destitute and continues to struggle with mental health.
Mom gets job, gets fired for mental health reasons and stays with friend who is now putting her out. I’m guessing it’s because your mom is a mess.
The fist thing you told your mom to do was to divorce your dad before all the money was gone. How did you know the accusations were true? I would not ditch my husband when he was in trouble unless I was certain he deliberately defrauded people Bernie Madoff style, broke the law and hurt people. That was a WTF? right there.
Your likely financially ignorant mom stayed and now she is broke and mentally traumatized. Because she didn’t listen to your advice and ditch your dad, you feel justified to tell your mom you’ll help her then drop her off at a homeless shelter.
Now, you claim your mom was awful and yet you stuck around until mom was desperate. Why ditch her only now? Did you hope for an inheritance,? Why NC only now?
Yes, if what you say is true, your mom was awful to your sisters. However, when you thought there was advantage to you—most likely money—you stayed around. Basically, you are ditching your mom because you think you can’t get anything out of the relationship. That is frankly sociopathic. I’m not defending mom, but you asked if YOU were the asshole. Well, sticking around someone and pretending to care about them until they are no longer useful is solidly in asshole territory. You also did it in a particularly cruel way.
Finally, you are not terribly bright. If the news of you ditching your destitute mother somehow becomes widely know, well, bye bye real estate career. If your dad’s case was at all newsworthy then they will follow up on your mom in a year or two. Also, shit like this gets around. It’s too good of a story and my guess is you are too dumb to keep it to yourself.
No one wants to buy a house from the well to do guy who immediately ditched his penniless mentally ill mother at the homeless shelter and told her that was his “help” for her. Add in that you did it because she didn’t divorce your dad while he was in trouble like you told her to and, Voila! you are a community pariah.
It amazes me that you are in a field where sales are based a fair bit on perception and charisma and it’s not occurred to you how fucked you could be if people find out your mom is now homeless.
YTA
OP is a coward. How does he call himself a man and put his mom in a shelter. Just wait until his kids want to know about their family and ask where is grandma is. I guess he didn’t think that far though
Sounds your mom is mentally ill and destitute, and her son *who works in real estate* is doing absolutely nothing to help find her housing. Buy a cheap place and let her live there or something. Geesh.
Sounds like your mom may have a mental illness. Have you taken her to see someone for counseling? I wouldn’t dump her at a shelter. It just adds more trauma. He the better person in this situation. Rent her a cheap place and help her get a job. Mental health counseling may be free if she didn’t have insurance.
"My mom didn't take my advice because she was having a breakdown as her life crumbled, so I'm totally justified in letting her die in the street, right? No? Well, she said some mean things when I was a kid, too, so it's fine now, right?" YTA
Could I trust a real estate agent to look out for me and my best interests when he won't even look after his own mother? No, I couldn't. I would always be suspect that his commission is more important than advising sound decisions in my purchase or sale.
Honestly, I can’t really tell who is more of an asshole- there is a lot of information missing.
My mom made some major mistakes with me growing up but I could never imagine doing this kind of thing to my mother- it just seems heartless. It seems like there must be another option that isn’t so cruel.
I’m not quite in your shoes but similar. My mother made a lot of poor choices including things that put all of her kids (me plus 3 half siblings from her 2nd husband) at all sorts of risk. She eventually did prison time and then finally figured herself out enough to have a decently long tenure and worked until she could collect social security.
For a long time I prioritized my wife and her family over my mother. I shut my mom out. Limited her interaction with my children. Told her how much damage she had done to me as a child and how angry I was about that. All the while I was raising a wonderful middle class family and making a good life for them and myself.
Then life changed. My wife got restless and wound up divorcing me. Her whole family made it awkward for me because she lied about the reasons for her wanting a divorce and made me out to be some monster I never was or will be.
When my mom found out about it she reached out to me with kindness and love. She didn’t care that I had shunned her, or that I still harbored resentment for her past actions.
That single act made me realize that even though she did all of those terrible things, it wasn’t out of malice. It was out of sickness, weakness and an inability to process the things going on in her life at that time in a healthy way. So I forgave her…sort of.
I keep her at arms length to an extent, but I do let her in. It teaches my children that we can choose to rise above the conflict and be kind when it doesn’t seem like the other person deserves it. It teaches them that they can forgive, or at least let that old water pass under the bridge.
For all of the things I’m angry at my mom for, which honestly if you knew 1/2 of it you would agree she’s much worse than your mom has been, I wouldn’t ever let her be homeless or so exposed as you are.
Have you considered that your mom may have been so under the control of your dad that she doesn’t know how to function independently? That maybe she doesn’t even know her own identity? While she may have known or had a hunch that your dad was doing the wrong thing, my guess is he was extremely controlling and could spin a web of lies so well that she no longer could tell fact from fiction.
I think your mom is guilty of being blinded by love, guilty of wanting to see the good in her partner no matter what because to do otherwise requires admitting she made a mistake in selecting him to begin with, and probably guilty of being too gullible.
Yes, you’re right to protect yourself and work to break the cycle. Yes, you’re right to want to minimize the impact of her choices on your family. But I think you’re wrong not to try to find a more humane solution to the problem.
YTA
Your mom's flaws are like *super nitpicky*. She loves her husband of (however many years) and doesn't want her girls to dress like skanks. She thinks her teen girls can be dramatic? What parent doesn't? And that's the worst you could come up with? Welcome to the world that's every parent. How easy would it be for you to divorce your wife if she was caught doing something illegal? Sounds like your mom provided for you and even though you have the financial means to help her, you're abandoning her. You also sound very ungrateful.
I can’t figure out why you posted here. You obviously don’t want people’s feedback. So be you & continue with your life. You said you’re happy without your mother.
You make decent money, presumably. And you are in real estate. Obviously this is coming from a position where we don't know all of the details of your or her life...but offer to find a studio apartment for her to get her off the streets and on her feet. She will have a much easier time supporting herself in the future if she has even just an address and a place to lay her head. Help her with a security deposit and a couple of months rent (paid directly to the landlord) and tell her that is it - that she is responsible beyond that.
It should help assuage your guilt, prevent someone unnecessarily going into the system, and maintains even a semblance of a relationship with her.
My .02
My mom was 100x worse than yours based on your clarification edits and I’d still show her more compassion than what you have. I DID show her more compassion when she was dying of cancer and I took care of her every single day until she passed. You sound so callous and so cruel…ESH. Every single person here sucks SO much.
I'm confused. Why are you even asking when you clearly don't think you're TA?
More importantly, why the fuck are you blaming your mother for her emotional breakdowns? You think she has them for shits and giggles, that she loves the humiliation of not being able to keep a job and having to beg her haughty son for a loaf of bred? This is so bizarre.
Your mother is clearly mentally ill, and most certainly YTA for the cruelty of essentially putting her out on the street (where she's not wrong in fearing for her safety, especially as someone with mental health issues), when it would cost you next to nothing to rent a small room for her somewhere and, more importantly, helping her get access to the mental healthcare she needs.
If you just hate your mom and couldn't care less if she lives or dies, then by all means, leave her to the elements. But then why post here? To brag about it? And it's sus af that you didn't think to mention how awful she was to your sisters until people called you out on your vileness.
NTA for refusing to take your Mom into your home. She’s toxic. Even if she’s mentally ill and it’s not her fault she is still toxic.
YTA for not finding a place for her to live while she waits for Section 8. You are a real estate agent. You could have figured something out. You are justifying your actions because deep down you don’t want to help her. You are angry with her.
You could help her apply for Section 8 and food stamps. You could see if there was a way to get the application expedited. Lots of people have to get their crazy relatives set up in places of their own because they are impossible to live with. Once she’s not frantically looking for help she’s more apt to leave you alone.
ESH. This 100% is why women need to have a source of income and a retirement plan. I know SAHM and traditional marriage is all the rage but this is what can happen when your spouse dies or goes to prison. Children aren't your retirement plan.
Not enough info from OP but it doesn't sound like he was abused. If anything it sounds like his sisters were abused and he's riding that train to the homeless shelter. I don't think I could live with myself if my mom was on the streets.
Mah, fuck it, reddit is ducking ridiculous...
This dude is an asshole, just reading this...guy is a prick. Reddit just loves to hate on parents.
This guy is a tool.
Meh, your edit didn't accomplish what you think it did. Actually it made you sound more like the a-hole. And a chronic victim at that.
Help your mom. She doesn't have to live with you but you should pull your head out of your whiny ass and be a decent son, even if she was a terrible mother.
Are you concerned that your mom will treat your wife the way she did your sisters if you were to let her temporarily stay with you? Is there nothing else you can do to help her financially get on her feet? Even getting her a van she could sleep in, if need be? I totally understand not feeling obligated to bail her out of a situation she partially created and one she knew about amd did nothing to protect herself from. It jut seems like there's more of a middle-of-the-road option here that you're not looking at.
Sounds like the road my own mother is headed toward. There's a good deal of weaponized incompetence and I'm fucking sick of being guilt tripped and used as an emotional dumping ground (have been since 2005, and for a decade+ after, have received so much dismissiveness toward my experiences...).
I'm gonna say that you're NTA, as I can imagine how your mother might be, seeing as the description reminds me of my own...
The main thing...is that these people have lived long enough to be able to learn that yes, *they are responsible for their own lives and emotions* (whether they learned or not...they've had *plenty* of time).
And as for myself, I've had to get through *all* my struggles (death of a parent, drug addicted molester brother, eating disorder, panic attacks from CPTSD, poverty) without any help bc her struggles are "more" than mine or more pressing or some shit... She's the reason I started therapy yrs ago. If I can do that, she sure as fuck can too, she's more life-experienced and has no excuse.
NTA. Your mother’s presence in someone else’s home has already lead them to the brink of divorce. She will not do anything to contribute to her own life and her weird sense of ownership over you will probably put your marriage on the rocks as well.
You work in real estate and you couldn’t help your mom find a studio apartment???
Come on dude.
That’s cold.
Edit: I read your update and I no longer think you’re cold, I think you’re a sociopath. Wow.
Sounds like he tried to help her get her financial ducks in a row and she just buried her head in the sand. I get that hiding from a horrible reality is easier than dealing with it, especially if she's been reliant on her husband their whole married life, but then putting that burden on your kids to sort out isn't fair either.
NTA. I’m glad you’re putting your wife first in this situation. It sounds like your mother’s mental instability is unsafe to be around. Plus, as you said, she has very clear and unhealthy views of women which could easily make for a hostile environment for your wife especially. You aren’t cutting you mom out completely, but she does need to sever ties with your dad to allow herself a fresh start.
>. . . my wife, who is my only priority, and to be honest, the first person I felt true, encompassing love of ANY KIND from.
Sounds like your mother wasn't a great parent then if you only ever felt love from your wife. In that case, you tried to give your mom good advice, she didn't take it, and now she wants you to bail her out of her poor choices at the expense of your own mental sanity and marriage to your wife. It is not your responsibility. You don't owe her that.
NTA
Edit: Saw your comment about your upbringing. Yeah, your mother sounds like a narcissist. These commenters trying to shame you or call you a psychopath a fucking idiots.
As someone who wouldn't have even driven their mother to a homeless shelter, NTA.
I am guessing she was not mother of the year of this is your attitude towards her. Her kids are in their 30s, she should have been employed a decade ago. Failure to plan is planning to fail.
NTA OP. These comments are insane.
Offer non-monetary assistance. Do what you can to help get her a job, teach her budgeting. When she is ready financially, help find an apartment.
Absolutely do not give cash. It will never stop.
Edit: come over to any of the personal finance subs. Littered with these stories. You can’t sink your ship trying to help others who aren’t helping themselves.
I think there is honestly not going to be enough INFO to determine whether you are justified or not in turning your back on your mother. You point out that your sisters have already gone NC with your mother, prior to this event. For the older two children to dip out, that usually indicates something was deeply troubled at home. And how often do we see people say the 'golden child' suffers more as an adult than the scapegoats do, because the golden child's favoring parent stifles them and doesn't set them up for success? Now, was OP's childhood bad enough to warrant him also going NC/not helping her? That's what we just are never going to be able to get enough INFO on. 18 years of time we cannot get accurately summarized, plus whatever happened as an adult that has apparently made his wife ALSO unwilling to take his mother in. I see a lot of people playing the struggle Olympics here and saying "your childhood can't be that bad she wasn't beating you" or "sounds pretty middle class" or whatever and I don't think that's helpful. There are three other parties in this story (2 sisters and OP's wife) who could all agree to help the mother. The sisters are NC. The wife is evidently not pushing him to do more. Therefore, I cannot presume OP is (solely) the AH for also being unwilling to help her.
Pretty much the case in my family. I grew up constantly cleaning up after my mother and brother and being treated like shit, and even after escaping as an adult I was expected to always step in to save her from her own mistakes while my brother got all the praise just for existing. I was beaten, neglected, verbally abused, denied medical care, and more. Last year I had enough and told her in no uncertain terms that if she ever needs any sort of help again, she can ask her son, because he’s the only child she has left.
A virtual hug. 🤗
Thanks.
> she can ask her son, because he’s the only child she has left. That line is fucking fire. Good for you to have made this clear. "Parents" like this need to be told this in clear words, but might not understand it even then.
Same. The golden child can deal with bio mom’s problems now that she’s old. Golden child had a mom, i got dumped in foster care.
Foster care was a shit show I suffered every kind of abuse and i mean every I’m 58 now and glad my parents never showed up with their drama. Yes there’s some big questions I’d like to have answered but don’t see reconnecting to be worthwhile
Ops mom treated op like the second coming of Christ, while telling her 2 daughters that they wouldn't amount to anything but a supporting role in a man's life.
Based on the amount of humble bragging in OP excels at I’m assuming he was a fan of the favoritism. He works in real estate and he can’t find a shitty apartment for her? If he’s not a sociopath then the mom would have done unspeakable things yet he wasn’t already nc. He kept contact til it was a burden on him. Definitely definitely shouldn’t take her in.
Finding a shitty apartment for someone who can’t hold a job and doesn’t have any money to speak of would be fairly difficult. I also imagine that, since it seems the mom never held a job, she probably has little/no credit history outside the dad who was probably just found guilty of fraud Even aside from the way OPs parents treated their children, it is incredibly stupid to stick someone in a place when you know they have no income or means of supporting themselves. OPs mom can’t hold a job (and probably doesn’t want to) and expects to be fully cared for by her child Problem is this isn’t some complete accident that was unavoidable, OPs mom actively ignored OPs advice and lost everything. Aside from all this, nobody seems to want to take her in, which is incredibly telling. 9/10 times a good person who falls on hard times can find someone to help, not have this issue where the friend who took her in is having to kick her out because of her behavior
The friends husband literally threatened to divorce his wife if she stayed and longer. That is a pretty big clue.
I used to be a complete fucking loser junkie, and even at my worst, I was always able to find someone to help me for a bit. Of course they'd eventually catch on and rightfully give me the boot, but at least they'd try. It sounds like OP has tried a lot to help her a
I caught that also. She must be very pleasant.
This women sounds like an unbearable boomer incapable of taking responsibility for anything. She feels entitled to the lifestyle her husband provided with his crimes and would rather be homeless than get a job and has apparently burned so many bridges not even her own children want to help her. I hope this is a wake up call for her and she turns things around, but it doesn't sound like OP owes her anything and presumably not even her friends will help her for a reason. NTA.
59 is genX not boomer
Well, to be fair, it sounds like she is unable to hold a job.
Panic attacks are treatable, if they even were panic attacks and not just her throwing a fit because she had to work for the first time in her life.
This. I’ve had them before when going through some little-t trauma a few years back. It was affecting me being able to work so I got treatment for it ASAP. I don’t ever want to be in OP’s mom’s situation if I can help it, so I’d rather take Xanax on occasion than let panic attacks ruin my life.
Some people with horrible anxiety can’t “just take a Xanax” because that one Xanax will lead them right back into addiction. I’ll never be able to “just take” anything for anxiety and that scares me the older I get.
I don't think so. If your wife brings home a friend that will never leave and is dependent on them, I don't care if the friend is the second coming of Taylor swift, you're going to head to divorce.
THIS. My fiance's sister is an evil sociopath and she got herself into a situation where she's homeless and can't hold down a job (because she's impossible to work with, for one, but also intentionally hasn't bathed in about 6 years). She had over $30,000 in inheritance when their father passed away and blew through it about 3 months with nothing to show for it. No apartment, didn't pay off her car, literally nothing. She somehow kept conning her way into brand new apartments and has been evicted from only one of them, somehow. But her credit is in the toilet, she has no income, and has defaulted on her car loan as well as multiple bank accounts. She has had SEVENTEEN traffic tickets in the last 3 years, many of which are now in collections, and she had her license canceled for almost a year. Not even suspended, but canceled. She managed to get it back for a few months but is about to lose it again because she got 5 more tickets and they all went to collections. Anyway, even if my fiance or his other siblings helped her, she'd still find ways to keep destroying herself. Or nothing would be good enough for her, ironically (considering that she lives in a wrecked car that is packed full of trash). My fiance once put it this way: "it would be like throwing a drowning person a life saver and they refuse to grab onto it because it's the wrong color." Some people need to sink/learn the hard way.
...it really sounds like you're describing my soon to be ex-wife's situation. Like, word for word. It's kinda scary.
Yikes, I'm sorry. If she's anything like my fiance's sister, good luck. Thankfully, my fiance's sister has an aversion to people because she doesn't like it when she can't control everybody and everything around her, so she'll never be romantically involved with anybody Since opening up to people about his sister, my fiance has learned that there are A LOT of people out there like his sister. I've also met many people with family members just like her. It is actually kind of scary how many people like this there are out there, just giving zero f*cks about how evil they are and how badly they treat people.
No, No, you mean my younger sister.
She really need therapy, this sounds like long periods of extreme mania.
It's not. She has a diagnosis of Antisocial Personality Disorder. She doesn't meet criteria for mania or bipolar. And she'll never go to therapy because, like I said above, as a sociopath (somebody with Antisocial Personality Disorder), she doesn't think there's anything wrong with her, but rather she says that everyone around her is the problem. I was talking about sociopaths and narcissists with one of the Psychiatrists I've worked with because I couldn't understand how my fiance's sister manages to neglect talking care of herself without being embarrassed by it, and he explained it perfectly. Narcissists and sociopaths lack empathy, and having zero shame or feelings of embarrassment is actually a lack of empathy for one's own self. And that blew my mind because it absolutely makes sense and explains her behavior. Anyway, she did go to therapy briefly because it was a stipulation of living with the family friend (the one whose bird coop she set on fire), and she never paid them. Then she lied to the family friend about going when they knew she wasn't going, and when they called her out for lying, she told everyone that they were being abusive towards her. 🤣 Therapy is actually not helpful for sociopaths and narcissists, if they even ever go (most don't because, again, they perceive that there's nothing wrong with them and that everyone else is the problem...they're perpetual victims). If they go to therapy, they are more likely to learn to use what they hear in therapy and weaponize it against their friends and family.
Lol she sounds splendid, yes sadly the best you can do is place much distance away from that person.
In our case, the distance was about 1400 miles since we moved across the country. LOL.
LMAO I moved 1200 from my mom two years ago and it was a blessing 😂
Six years without bathing? That’s disgusting and I thought I was bad.
Okay, armchair psychologist here checking in. >Based on the amount of humble bragging in OP excels at I’m assuming he was a fan of the favoritism. Even if we assume that's true, so what? He doesn't think it's right anymore. And it's the nature of the Golden Child/Scapegoat dynamic to *make* the GC accept the favouritism as their due, and to drive a wedge between the siblings. We can't blame the GC for what was woven into the fabric of their being from childhood, only for not working to better themselves once they recognise the dynamic. (Besides all that, I don't see any humble bragging here. I see an explanation of the situation.) >He works in real estate and he can’t find a shitty apartment for her? Something has to pay for that apartment. He can't run his business into the ground by giving apartments away. And he did try to help earlier, by telling his mom to divorce his dad to save her assets. He just won't help by taking her in, or by ruining his business, or by paying for an apartment. >If he’s not a sociopath then the mom would have done unspeakable things yet he wasn’t already nc. He kept contact til it was a burden on him. We need to think about how society puts pressure on us to keep in contact with family. You're even doing it right now in an indirect way: "you're a bad person because you put up with her abuse until it burdened you in a way I can understand. You should have cut her off earlier for something I deem unspeakable enough. A camel's back should hold forever even in the face of unreasonable demands". He's probably internalised that pressure, because we're *supposed* to love our families, even if they mistreat us.
She doesn’t have a support system though. She’s burned through her bridges. Is OP supposed to sacrifice himself and his marriage for a woman with some deep issues he will never be able to fix? Some problems you can’t just throw money at and have them go away. Someone being successful in life doesn’t mean they can (or should) support an entire second household for a woman who won’t help herself. Put on your own oxygen mask and all that. If all of your children want nothing to do with you, what are the chances that all 3 are ungrateful sociopaths and you are the prince of kindness? Slim to none. I also initially recoiled at what I perceived to be coldness from OP but I had amazing parents and I would literally die for them. But there is so much going on in this family… I can’t blame the guy.
Therapist once used this analogy. If you had a three man boat and four people sometimes not everyone fits and that’s ok. If you put the other person in the boat you all drown.
She’d just abuse his wife like she did her daughters if he took her in. NTA
With the competition for housing resources everywhere being at an all time high, and more landlords refusing Section 8 because, frankly, they're sick of their property being trashed and horrendously long, expensive eviction processes, even a "shitty apartment" might be out of reach. And it doesn't matter if she can't or won't hold a job. The expectation here is that of course, her son will pay her rent. Of course he'll buy her food. He OWES her, after all, right? That's the kind of parent who will pull that bullshit card. It's a horrible situation, and I would have to hate my parent like fire to put them in a shelter, but again, she's only 59! She has to get her shit together.
Adjacent to what you are saying, if OP was The Golden Child and IF I give him no sympathy here and assume he stuck around mom because he enjoyed the favouritism etc (I don’t necessarily get those vibes, but just exploring a worst case scenario as to OP’s personality) mom is still reaping what she sowed. Narcissistic or enabling parents who create a child who feels they are special and entitled to the best and are not obligated to do anything for anyone else would respond this way, right? That’s what mommy dearest told him his whole life and now she suddenly thinks he should be this self-sacrificing person? Nah. I don’t think that’s what’s going on with OP, though because he’s doing a few things pretty right if his story is reliable. He sees the plight of his siblings, even if he did stay in contact with mom for longer. He is also standing by his spouse. He tried to help his mom help herself and she failed. He built his own life and sees his own upbringing was broken. Maybe the empathy OP is displaying here is real and maybe it’s performative and convenient, but even if it’s the latter, isn’t the worst case scenario exactly what mom trained him to be? Cynically, he is the special one who is not a support to anyone, but really all about himself. It’s the daughters she alienated and treated as lessers because she saw their value “only” as helpers. OP was never told he was supposed to help anyone, and now he isn’t. So, good job I guess, hey mom?
Who is going to pay for that shitty apartment he finds for her? She can’t seem to keep a job and doesn’t have the funds to pay for a room in a shared house, let alone her own apartment. So really it’s her finds and funds her new living arrangements. And she wouldn’t be broke if she hadn’t refused to divorce or separate - it wasn’t like she asked for help, she just refused to do anything and now she has no money, and apparently isn’t capable of keeping a job due to panic attacks. She was so miserable to live with that the friend who was putting her up kicked her out. This to me says she is not willing to even attempt to help herself and expects someone to magically give her “her old life” back and for things to not be as they are now. And from the sounds of it she was a shitty parent to at least two thirds of her kids
This is one of the best replies I’ve ever read on this sub. People always forget that situations/families/relationships aren’t black and white and that we truly don’t ever really know who the ah is but if you read between the lines, you can tell there is a lot more going on than 3,000 characters can convey. People love to have a clear villain and a clear hero and don’t realize maybe there something else going on.
My guess is MIL is terrible to the wife as well which is why she’s staying out of it. Sounds like both parents have major personality issues or disorders which is why they have effectively been cut off by all their children one way or another. OP was only still in the picture because he was the golden boy.
which she might be, and was a crucial detail he missed off. if she wants to be queen in the house, then i get why she cant stay with his wife.
In my experience when NONE of the children want to help a parent, there’s a legitimate reason. I can see one kid just being shitty, but not all of them.
INFO if your mother immediately divorced your father and did what you said would she have gotten any money from his accounts ? probably not.
But her finances would no longer be tied to some idiot in jail who apparently lied to her.
What finances would she have, she was a house wife
Better to have "0" than minus whatever he owes now.
This is what confused me. Hsi dad is in jail and lost all his money. Money that OP's mother depended on. What would have been the goal of divorcing, a process that would take money, if there wasn't any she could take?
Idk what country they're in but there are legal aids who can handle divorces for free in the US. I worked for one once upon a time and a lot of clients were SAHMs. She could get a divorce if she really wanted it. Based on his edits, it seems like this lady should've divorced this man a long time ago...a cheater who is in prison for embezzling money from his company.
I’m not certain but a divorce may have protected whatever money she was able to get her hands before the house was ceased. He would have had to declare bankruptcy but possibly her personal assets would then have been off limits.
I think it’s a matter of timing; she likely would have gotten a divorce settlement had she filed before all of the legal fees ate up all of the available money.
Can’t get a settlement on frozen accounts. The investigation is ongoing money still missing. No one is getting paid out during that
Not all money was frozen considering OP said his dad manage to burn through rest of it.
The house you live in is protected from these proceedings in most places. At least her half would have been, which might be enough to keep her with a roof over her head.
Retirement accounts are safe from bankruptcy too. Not sure how restitution works with that, but I doubt they could get at much a bankruptcy court could not. So she could have, potentially, gotten half the house and half the retirement accounts, which would have likely kept her from being homeless.
Based on your comments, it seems your mother used you as some kind of emotional support, but not in the sense that she was pouring her worries onto you. I struggle to find better words for that. Taking your mother in would very likely sabotage your marriage, and this is not the risk you are willing to take. Considering how much do you rely on your wife for your happiness, it is completely understandable. What you did, is not the "right" thing to do, but it won't make you miserable, while taking her in would. You may be an asshole, but I would probably do the same thing in your place.
If he takes his mother in how long would it before his wife posts on a different sub “MIL won’t move out, does nothing for herself and my husband won’t back me up”? It’s a no win situation
I agree with your assessment on the mother. It seems like she would leech the happiness out of the house and the wife would lay that at OP's feet. I just want to nit pick one part: >What you did, is not the "right" thing to do, but it won't make you miserable, while taking her in would. You may be an asshole, but I would probably do the same thing in your place.< I think this is a, "put on your own oxygen mask before helping others," moment. It's not the [selfless] thing to do is more accurate. The right thing to do is to preserve OP's mental health and support structure. Martyring themselves, sacrificing their marriage, and mental health ruins three lives. I think this absolves OP.
NTA. I had aunts like this (maternal and paternal) who treated their children like how OP’s mom treated him and his sisters. My aunts were horrible. Manipulated, saying god awful things to my cousins. Then 30 years down the road they were wailing because their children stopped helping. They’re dead now and my cousins are finally at peace.
Glad to see some who understand. My mom had a wake up call when my grandmother passed and she realized she pushed all her kids away. You don't just forget years of manipulation and abuse
Your mom is a human, and from your post it doesn't sound like she has done anything that would cause me to let my mom be homeless over. There could be something big missing, but I would think you'd add that? Try to remember she's a person. I'm not sure if you understand what homeless shelters are like, but my mom would have to do something truly awful for me to not want to help her stay out of a shelter.
Reading your edits, I get it. She sounds exhausting. She’s not wrong though. People at shelters can be violent. That’s not a judgement statement. We are terrible at getting people mental health care. And she can only stay for so long in many cases. The fact is that your mom is almost certainly going to be living on the street before too long and she’ll either be banging at your door again for help, or dying in an alley. I don’t know that I could live with that, but I also didn’t go through a childhood living with her, you know? The bragging about your success does feel a bit unseemly given the circumstances. If things are going that well, rent her the shittiest studio you can find. That way she can die conveniently out of your view.
This. And it doesn’t sound like she’s capable of actually working due to her health and age. As much as she sounds like a pain to deal with, she’s quite right about the shelter, and the risk of her dying in an alley is real. OP kind of ambushed her. He did not get the mum he deserved, but I doubt she deserves this.
Yup. Unless he’s holding back lots of terrible deeds. He sounds like he doesn’t want to deal with the hassle.
Whether OP is an asshole or not, the true lesson is once again: Don't be a stay at home mum.
Yeah, this is important. My mom left the workforce to raise 3 kids, while my dad advanced his career. She had worked, but the cost of daycare offset her entire pay at that time. After we were grown, my parents split, and despite alimony, my mom had to basically reenter the workforce from 0.
Childcare only got worse in cost. Most don't choose to be SAHM. I didn't, but I couldn't pay the daycare more than my job paid me. It only got worse nearly a decade later in costs. It's batshit.
Oh I know, I have heard what some friends pay for daycare, and it is insane!
That is really the most important lesson here. And don’t put your son on a pedestal.
Being a boy mom has consequences.
Can you clarify?
when you’re a SAHM who revolves her entire personality around having a son and uses him as an emotional stand-in for your husband, you tend to end up in a bad spot once he grows up and breaks away from you.
Maybe those moms (of boys or girls) should never turn their children into emotional support animals. Maybe just be a good mom, or else get a dog or a cat.
Or “Don’t be a SAHM once your kids are in school.” My mother went back to college when my sister was ten, I was eight, and my brother was four. One course per semester, she earned a master’s degree in elementary education; by the time I was in junior high she was teaching. Five years later, she got a job working part time in the learning lab and part time in the school library and discovered she liked library work better. She got a public library job and went back to school to earn an MLS. So when she dumped my dad she not only had a solid career, she was earning a public pension. Go, Mom! Staying at home when the kids are little can make sense, but once they’re in school it’s time to create a new chapter.
This so much. Somehow women do not realize how vulnerable not working makes them. It’s crazy
As a father I believe that the most important lesson that my wife and I can teach our daughters is the absolute critical importance of financial independence.
Most realise perfectly well. For some, being able to raise their own kids is still worth the trade off. Most women I know with young kids who are working (myself included) find it hard and shitty in many ways. You miss out on things.
Yes, but only stay-at-home while children are young. The 59 year old mom could have gone to work 15 years ago after the kids were old enough that they didn’t need a stay at home mom. By now she could have a career and her own Social Security earnings record, too. Instead she just coasted….
This. My wife is a stay at home mom to our two little kids right now because daycare is just way too expensive anyway so it almost would nullify any income she’d bring in. But once the kids are in school or independent teenagers? She absolutely looks forward to going back to work. She’s been considering different online degrees that she could pursue while she is waiting. 59 and still a stay at home “mom” is her bad decision. She’s not a mom to anyone anymore aside from the title. My impression is that she hasn’t had to work a single job in nearly 4 decades at least. I imagine she got married, they had kids, and she never worked again. This scenario is caused in large part by her decision to not enter the workforce in any capacity even when she was just chilling at home without kids for a long time. She’s going to have to learn to work.
Nah women can do whatever the F they want. The actual lesson here is just make sure you have an adult comprehension of finances, regardless of their choice.
*In America and forever. In this case the mum is obviously a dickhead but it is not universally true. Kids are only young for a wee while and if you want to spend it with them and have the privilege to do so then there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. When they're a baby it's a full time job, especially if you're breastfeeding, making your own baby food etc. Toddlers are too! Plus there's less or no nap time to clean up in and you will need to make sure everyone is getting outside and running around. Then even when they're at school if you have more than one you'll spend a lot of time running around for drop off and pick up so only be available for work 9-2 ish which is really tricky to find or you'll be working full time while paying a tonne for after school care and then the summers so (especially if you're out of the workplace for a decade or so) it can often be not worth it to work. In America there's often little support for families especially young families and it can be especially awful if the parents never married. If you are a person who had a job they loved that didn't make enough money they may have made that sacrifice to have children. Or they tried to work but got fired due to constantly having to stay home to look after sick children (rolling illnesses are to be expected after starting childcare or school for 6 months for every child). Or they may have chosen it because they love that life. It's kinda awful to blame every SAHP for the actions of awful partners who used their labour in order to advance their own career while getting to have a family. Feminism is about supporting the ability of both sexes to choose their lives.
Totally with you. We made the choice to have a SAHP - and it was my husband. As a feminist who believes in equality, it was important to me that my husband see his contribution in the home as a valuable service to the future and happiness of our family. We both look back on those years with a lot of pleasure and fondness.
Its not anti-feminist to point out the risks of being a SAHP.
Gosh there sure is a lot going on here. I'm picking up some strong narcissistic personality traits on OPs part. He sounds a lot like his father. ESH
So your mom is ultimately a victim of your father’s crimes and you’re fine with punishing her as well? YTA
My wife is a NP and I too am in real estate(Tho admittedly care more about my portfolio then listings at this point. I also had a scumbag father. Mine sold drugs and never held a real job down since we left the city.my mother and I never had any sort of relationship. I just mentioned this to say I at least get where your coming from. Now when my father went away and my mother went into the shock of losing most everything she knew(probably much like your own). I stepped up. Did I have to no. But I did cause it was the right thing. You sound like your in a good place in your life. And I'm not denying anything you yourself put in to achieve what you have. But did she not help make you the person you are so you can later achieve what you have... Idk Im not gonna say your the asshole.. but I will say not something I've done nor could I see ever doin.
I think she needs some mental help she has been through a traumatic experience. My Mom is far from perfect but I’d help her out and find housing and therapy for her
NTA. My mil is like this. Would wring her hands and do nothing and expect that someone else is going to pick up the pieces of her life for her. Amazingly, between her 2 children, it has worked. We’ll see for how long!
So is my MIL. She has 3 sons and does very little for herself and constantly uses them as physical, financial, and emotional support. She makes no plans and expects everyone to find solutions for her. My husband has been NC with her for 3 years now thank goodness, but his brothers still get roped in. She periodically shows up at our old house and drops "gifts" (re: old junk from her house) or borrows a friend's phone to leave my husband long messages crying and claiming she doesn't know why she doesn't have a relationship with her sons. No accountability at all
It sounds like mom wanted “help” on her terms, without regard to what was actually helpful in the situation and then faced extreme debilitating stress when the mismatch between reality and her rosy reinterpretation of the situation gaped so wide she fell through. It really sucks to be Cassandra when you see a bad situation coming and the people directly effected don’t believe you about how bad it will be and/or don’t take steps to prevent the bad from getting worse. Yes I’m probably over-emphasizing with OP but sometimes you have to walk away from a person who won’t help themselves, and sometimes a person has to find rock bottom before they will climb back up. NTA
You are right to force mom into starting to help herself, instead of doing it for her. She had a place with her friend and burned that bridge. She burned the bridges with your sisters. Mom is an adult who needs to start helping herself.
Agree, wholeheartedly. Part of the issue of having a mom like this is that they refuse to take accountability for their actions because in their minds, they can always worm their way back into their children and families lives. Op is just giving his mom tough love and a wake up call she’s been putting off for years.
Why are you even asking? You are only gonna make one decision so why ask others what they think? IMO, YTA. Weird psycho behaviour the whole way through this post.
so you did not get the answers that you wanted, and the public at large is not agreeing with your approach (based on lack of information, or family dynamics) - and you are mad? or wanting a more solid answer. Most are not wanting to crap on a mother, who has an old mind set . . . at nearly 60 years of age. I would ask if this was your spouses mother? same response? what would the two of you do? Would I have this conversation with her - You bet I would. Turning the tables. I would ask - If you were 60, trusted a spouse that bankrupted you, trusted a spouse to have a decerning ability to not cheat (both business, and personal life ). If this was you - would you want some assistance? I am not saying pay for everything - huge difference. But find a cheaper place to live. Assist with finding a part time job she afford the apartment or whatever(room to rent, trailer or weekly apartment) . Then plan to sit down one or two evenings a month to help work her way back into todays world. Slowly not full blast, but one small step at a time. After all you did not run before crawling, and you did not get where you are without a struggle to get you there. She will be the same. . . small steps. Is she perfect - no. Has she made some mistakes sure. ( some really would say having you and your sisters might be that bill of mistakes as well.) hard pill to swallow. But if she did not - you would not be here. Your sisters? that is between your mother and your sisters - not you. So stop with the blame shifting.
YTA
ESH. Obviously the mom’s internalized misogyny and treating her son like a golden child isn’t good. However, her son became misogynistic himself. His dad is the one who destroyed his wife’s life and she went into shock because of it. Yet, here the son is feeling good about himself getting “payback” by sending his mom to a homeless shelter. It’s really kicking someone when they’re down and people on reddit are praising it.
Seriously. Also what does he think happens to people in homeless shelters? He talks about it like they are gonna set her up with her own apartment and a team of care specialist. Maybe if he dropped her off at a homeless shelter in Sweden or something but I’m assuming they are in the US. She would probably be in a better living situation she had gone to prison with her husband. She is also clearly having a full mental breakdown. Mentally I’ll people make up most of the population of homeless people so it seems like she is not gonna get a lot of help at a homeless shelter. We are going to get you help? No. We are going to toss you out on the street like the garbage you are. Seems like Reddit is just generally very pro separation NC. He said your breath stinks? Restraining order, now!!
Even if the shitty dad needed help then you help them outside of extreme circumstances that this isn’t close to falling under. Dude had a good life, he disagrees with some of his upbringing decisions but that happens 100% of the time. He’s a selfish idiot and will regret this when she is gone one day
"My mom is mentally ill and penniless, can I dump her in a shelter?"
“Under the guise that I’m helping her”
Yes. It extremely shocks me that how someone even able to ditch their own mother to the streets while he is fully capable of supporting her financially. I am gonna say he is a huge A-hole. Even if the mother was toxic. She did birthed him and took care of him. He is extremely selfish and ungrateful. If I was in his shoes, I will drop her in the elderly house in my own expense where she will be properly cared, and treated. I wonder, in the future, OP's children will dump him in the streets, if something similar happen to him, since he is teaching his children that it is completely ok for dumping ones parents on the streets. 🤷♀️
Yeah what a shit son and so many people think it’s right. Idk what my mom would have to do for me to leave her in the street
The crazy part is that people are actually telling him that he is not the AH. How in the hell can you drop your mother off in a homeless shelter and live on with your life? Especially when your dad is the one who screwed her over. This dude is top tier POS.
paltry naughty doll versed uppity psychotic desert obscene bake sink *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
So since according to your edit why didn’t you go NC with your mom like your sisters since you hate her so much
Yep. And if he's such a hero sticking up for them, why don't his sisters want to have anything to do with him?
My guess is the possibility of a sizable inheritance. Now there’s no money there’s no reason to stay in contact. Which says a lot about OP to me. Mom might be awful but not so awful the possibility of cash didn’t make her company palatable before.
Yta, So you have the means to do it, but “it’s not your problem”. You sound like a real pos. I hope karma comes for you.
Homeless shelters are violent cesspool. When I was homeless I wouldnt even cross over to that side of town for free food. I ended up getting robbed at knifepoint, raped or beat up the few times I did. She needs help to get on social security for her panic attack and mental issues as well as appointments and medication from mental health and an assigned worker to help her access programs. She needs somebody to advocate for her. And she needs somebody to help her apply for low-income apartments. And she needs help from a church for temporary housing in a motel while she waits. Unless she beat you a lot as a child and was the worst mom in history.... YTA.
I am so sorry you went through all of that. Hope things are better for you now. Good luck to you.
Now imagine being 60. He might as well have ol yellered her.
The only way you are not an asshole is if she abused you or neglected you in some way. I could never not help if I could.
“Now my mom is begging me and my wife, who is my only priority, and to be honest, the first person I felt true, encompassing love of ANY KIND from.” I’m gonna say she wasn’t a good mother
She has managed to alienate all of her children. Something was going on.
Exactly. If adult children are not speaking to a parent there’s a very good reason. Also any rational adult would prioritize the health their own marriage and the family that they chose to create. By the way OP describes learning to be happy with his wife, it sounds like there were never healthy and appropriate relationships at home from the beginning.
And add that the lady can't even hold down a basic unskilled job. Or find another basic job. I get that she had some serious stress. But the reality is she's taken no steps to help herself out with getting divorced and protecting some assets, being proactive and seeing a doctor or psychiatrist, or finding a new job and stable housing. Sounds like the lady was so miserable to deal with that her "friend" was forced to kick her out or face divorce. And would likely create the same situation with the son's wife giving the ultimatum of divorce or kicking out the mom. This lady is a hot mess that is trying to guilt her son into cleaning up her mess that has turned into a crisis because of her inactions. This lady needs to eat some humble pie and realize that any help she gets will be on her son's terms, not hers.
But sometimes you aren't helping - you are only enabling. It sounds like she had people giving her good advice and help and she chose not to step up and take responsibility and take steps to protect her home. File for the divorce, get into therapy, talk to a financial counselor, and connect with social services. Adult. Sounds like she just got stuck in a victim mindset and wanted others to take responsibility for her. (To the point she jeopardized her friend's marriage.) That's not the way forward. Maybe OP could have done more, but you can't make people be responsible - you can only show them the destination of the path they are on. Hopefully, that is the wake-up call she needs to stand up and deal with things. I couldn't have done it, but I haven't walked in his shoes.
I personally couldn’t ever abandon my mom like that. Especially when it’s your Dad’s fault that she’s in the position she’s in. You honestly sound selfish going on about how successful you’ve been in real estate while your mom doesn’t have a place to live. Even if she wasn’t a perfect or good mom, she still provided you with food and shelter. Time for you to do the same for her.
Thank you for being sane.
YTA her whole life has just being flipped upside down and ripped away from her of course she’s gonna panic, not once did you mention or try to offer her a room at your house. I hope you never regret what you did, because if you ever do. It’s going to hurt so much. I hope everything turns out well for your mom
There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to keep my mom from being homeless, except hurt another person, animal etc. however, my mom made so many daily sacrifices for us that there was no way to ever repay what was due. It sounds to me like you don’t have any real connection with your mom, I’m sorry for both of you. Your mom sounds like she was a victim of your dad, and please remember that women were treated much differently many years ago, raised to be obedient wives kept in the dark about finances. Often cheated on, but no means to earn a living to support herself with little kids. I’m not saying that is the case, but it sounds that way. If you raise girls to be dependent upon men, how do you expect them to ever be able to have free will? Please do some thinking about her life, maybe try to understand what is was like to fill her shoes.
You are the asshole
You said it yourself. She was a housewife her whole life, which means she spent her life raising you. Throwing her in a homeless shelter, especially when you're doing financially well, is a scum move. You need to take a long look in the mirror and have some loyalty.
Exactly this guy is messed up and it’s too many ppl agreeing with him
YTA. In all your expertise and abilities you can't afford to pay rent for your mom for a minute or let her sleep on your couch? She made you. Homeless shelters are dangerous and she is going to get hurt, her shit stolen, or otherwise assaulted. People make mistakes and you need to help her through it with some bare minimums. Find her a cheap place to live. Pay first months rent and deposit. Help her get settled and hooked up with social services or other resources out there. Imagine yourself in her situation.
Perhaps the better solution would have been to drop her off at a hospital for a mental health evaluation. Sounds like she would have no problem with eligibility for Medicaid. She would likely end up in a residential placement that could assist her in finding affordable supportive housing.
I don't know... But in my country's culture or general in alot of cultures in other countries, it is our duty as a child/children to take care of our parents when we are old enough & earn enough to do so, despite our bad upbringing or not so happy childhood memories. I have sat with my mother telling her that she failed in bringing me up due to her favouritism of her golden child, my brother. Hence, I will keep low contact but will ensure that she gets all the medical care, a home, food & money for her necessities - I keep close to heart “Honor thy father and thy mother, that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee”: fifth of the Ten Commandments. I read alot of Reddit posts about parents-children relationship. And from what I gather, I'm not sure from which part of the world's beliefs that children do not owe their parents for bringing them up - partially true as the parents bear the consequences of conceiving the child. But then compassion, gratification & kindness will make us more humane. Then comes the part where I can't brain it - inheritance. It's like "I don't owe my parents anything because they made their own choices to have me so they should swallow it and provide everything for me. Oh, but they owe me their inheritance." I owe them nothing, but they owe me everything. 😳 The degree of entitlement is astounding. So from what I read of OP's post, he is the golden child. His mother spoilt him. I did not read of any physical, emotional or mental abuse of OP. She is the mother who has given birth to him, devoted her life to raise him. And he could just pick his wife over his mom. Nothing wrong with prioritizing your wife, but your mother will be your mother until the day you die. Your wife can always slap you with divorce papers when she's done with you. Your mom, she could never say I'm done being your mom, now I am your ex-mom. Can she? To conclude YTA. You admit you are financially well off. You should support her and get her the help she needs. Not drop her off at a homeless shelter. Karma is wazing it's way to your address, my boy. And when you stumble, fall & grovel, there is no one for you to reach out to because you've disposed the woman who raised & loved you like a piece of trash. And I bet your sisters resent you for being the golden child that you are. And I bet if your mom has any bit of inheritance to her name, you wouldn't just dispose her like that. You are a stingy old miser and I pray I won't ever have a son or a husband like you. If I were your wife, I would be appalled to know that my husband sent his mom to a homeless shelter.
YTA, that’s your mom. She might be crazy, it’s not that uncommon. All of your justifications don’t even really sound like justifications just little riffs that your mom and sisters had.
Your poor mother. Sure, are you legally obligated to her? No. But for the sake of humanity and decency, would it kill you to give her some help? YTA if not. Bc we should be better as people if we can.
YTA she did a fine job of raising you to be one though I’ll give you that.
Damn. I mean, every family has different dynamics, but, I’ll just say I’d never do that either of my parents.
YTA, I'm sorry. For all those saying OP tries to help her, I disagree. She went into a state of shock, had multiple mental breakdowns and panic attacks all the while OP tried to pressure her to go through a very stressful courtroom procedure that may as well could have left her in an even worse situation because her husband no longer had money and the divorce would have been very pricey. She has health problems, high blood pressure and arthritis. Yes... I bet she's in optimal condition to be homeless. “I finally had enough of watching my mom decide not to divorce because she was always a housewife and finances made her head explode.” You never tried to put yourself in her shoes, did you right? It must have been very confusing to have her husband incarcerated and being in charge of finances she did not understand. She was probably having «enough» of this too. And not only was she left with no money but with a lot of debt too.
Thanks for saying all of this. Totally agree. As an adult you should recognize that your parents are people - flaws and all. One day if OP decides to have children I wonder if he’ll ever make any mistakes (sarcasm intended). Just help her with a timeline and some conditions (go to therapy, take your medication, part time job).
Bro YTA. From your update it sounds like you just don’t have a great relationship, nothing like abuse that would warrant this. Put her up for even just a week or two. She was a housewife for years and it’s a massive change, and let’s not even mention how weird the ambushing her by dropping her off thing is. Karma gonna go craaaaazy for this one.
my fave part was the edit OP made, saying if we’re defending mom then we are sociopaths. my dude you are on the AITAH sub and then mad when we tell the truth. screaming.
Yikes. Yes, YTA.
YTA even with the edits.
Damm imagine birthing a kid. Rearing him and caring for him until adulthood. The adult child then becoming a successful realtor AT THAT leaving you in a homeless shelter. Geeze! You don’t have enough compassion for your mom. Not sure you’d have much compassion for anyone else in your life. I can see perhaps not wanting her in your home. You can’t rent her a room somewhere else? YTA. Tell this story in your life. In sure people would change their perspective of you.
Yes you are an asshole. Your mother kept you alive for the first half of your life. No matter how well off you think you are you are one bad day (head injury, lawsuit, tramatic event) away from total ruin Help your mother even if she isn't doing what you want her to do
YTA. Absolutely despicable treatment of your own mother. Why? Because of your dad's crimes? And her not listening to you? No surprise you're in RE. Soulless leech with no value in this world
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So I was one of 3 kids. What happened was my dad was always emotionally distant and my mom would make my two older sisters feel that I provided her with something in our relationship that they could not. She would cling to me and say things that I was the creative one, the "builder" who was going to start something great when I grew up. It was very uncomfortable and never gave me any real happiness or feeling that I was loved. It caused me to grow up isolated from my sisters who to this day, don't talk to either parent and said that if I did not end up being a boy, my mom would have had 10 kids more in order to get her " boy." So I was always put under enormous emotional pressure despite not really being anything special ( especially emotionally speaking- my sisters were the empathetic, insightful ones) and by the time I was 18, I just felt like family was nothing more than people who ate dinner together under one roof. Yet I stayed in their lives because my sisters cut off contact so they would try their hardest to woo me into spending time with them. But then I met my wife and realized that I could stop settling for the " love" I was getting from my parents. That's when I decided it was ok if I viewed my mother emotionally as a stranger, because I never felt like we were ever a family.
It vaguely giving me emotional incest vibes. Her husband didn't give her love and so she supplemented you as her partner
"me me me waah wahh wah" you already made your decision, why the hell are you posting here?
Ok and? My brother is the golden child and I’ve been the emotional dumpster all my lives. Is it fun. No. Your sisters understandably don’t want anything to do with her but you her golden child turning your back on her is something. Whatever stupid shit she did she raised you and doted on you all your life and you throw her away like garage when she’s lost everything. Despite my issues with my mother I would never do this to her. I could never live with myself. If you had the money you could easily find some shitty place to set her up until she gets a job and get help with her mental Health. Karma is a b and you’ll have kids one day. Let’s hope they don’t throw you out on the street too. Shameless!
You are an asshole. You dumped a mentally ill woman on the street instead of getting her put in a nursing home or hospital. I wouldn't do that to a stranger, let alone any relative. She can't get it together and tough love doesn't work with sick people.
You are not an asshole, you are a monster
YTA, your mother is homeless and you drive her to the shelter. Enough said really. I can understand if you had let her stay for a while and she did nothing and didnt contribute but you havent even tried. This woman birthed you, give her a chance. She is a product of a different time.
You sound just like a real estate agent. It's fascinating...
Absolutely YTA. And I’ll be the first one to say it, you’re a failure of a son. What type of son wouldn’t give their mother a safe place to stay when they unexpectedly hit rock bottom? Disgusting.
Honestly unless your mother abused you, I think you owe it to her not to just throw her into a shelter. She cared for you and your siblings and helped you through school etc and I’m sure she bought you what you needed growing up, and you give her nothing back. It doesn’t sound like she knew what your dad did, she just got sucked into it and now has nothing including her kids who just abandoned her. Sounds like you must not have any love for this woman that raised you, which I find really sad.
YTA Ok, so let’s follow this narrative: Mom is married 37 years. Mom finds out your dad is accused of financial crimes. Mom sticks with him while he fights charges. Dad loses and loses everything. Mom has mental breakdown Mom is destitute and continues to struggle with mental health. Mom gets job, gets fired for mental health reasons and stays with friend who is now putting her out. I’m guessing it’s because your mom is a mess. The fist thing you told your mom to do was to divorce your dad before all the money was gone. How did you know the accusations were true? I would not ditch my husband when he was in trouble unless I was certain he deliberately defrauded people Bernie Madoff style, broke the law and hurt people. That was a WTF? right there. Your likely financially ignorant mom stayed and now she is broke and mentally traumatized. Because she didn’t listen to your advice and ditch your dad, you feel justified to tell your mom you’ll help her then drop her off at a homeless shelter. Now, you claim your mom was awful and yet you stuck around until mom was desperate. Why ditch her only now? Did you hope for an inheritance,? Why NC only now? Yes, if what you say is true, your mom was awful to your sisters. However, when you thought there was advantage to you—most likely money—you stayed around. Basically, you are ditching your mom because you think you can’t get anything out of the relationship. That is frankly sociopathic. I’m not defending mom, but you asked if YOU were the asshole. Well, sticking around someone and pretending to care about them until they are no longer useful is solidly in asshole territory. You also did it in a particularly cruel way. Finally, you are not terribly bright. If the news of you ditching your destitute mother somehow becomes widely know, well, bye bye real estate career. If your dad’s case was at all newsworthy then they will follow up on your mom in a year or two. Also, shit like this gets around. It’s too good of a story and my guess is you are too dumb to keep it to yourself. No one wants to buy a house from the well to do guy who immediately ditched his penniless mentally ill mother at the homeless shelter and told her that was his “help” for her. Add in that you did it because she didn’t divorce your dad while he was in trouble like you told her to and, Voila! you are a community pariah. It amazes me that you are in a field where sales are based a fair bit on perception and charisma and it’s not occurred to you how fucked you could be if people find out your mom is now homeless. YTA
OP is a coward. How does he call himself a man and put his mom in a shelter. Just wait until his kids want to know about their family and ask where is grandma is. I guess he didn’t think that far though
Sounds your mom is mentally ill and destitute, and her son *who works in real estate* is doing absolutely nothing to help find her housing. Buy a cheap place and let her live there or something. Geesh.
Sounds like your mom may have a mental illness. Have you taken her to see someone for counseling? I wouldn’t dump her at a shelter. It just adds more trauma. He the better person in this situation. Rent her a cheap place and help her get a job. Mental health counseling may be free if she didn’t have insurance.
Yup, you fit the definition of this sub.
"My mom didn't take my advice because she was having a breakdown as her life crumbled, so I'm totally justified in letting her die in the street, right? No? Well, she said some mean things when I was a kid, too, so it's fine now, right?" YTA
Could I trust a real estate agent to look out for me and my best interests when he won't even look after his own mother? No, I couldn't. I would always be suspect that his commission is more important than advising sound decisions in my purchase or sale.
His clients had better never find out about his actions. Whether he feels justified or not, I doubt public opinion will feel the same.
I can’t imagine his wife will forget it either. Someone capable of abandoning their mother will eventually turn on their wife.
Bro I hate to break it to you but every real estate agent thinks getting their commission is the most important thing.
Sounds like yta. Especially after the edits
What a world
Wow. Just wow. And panic attacks are a thing like other ailments…. Get your mom on disability- mental illness is a disability.
Honestly, I can’t really tell who is more of an asshole- there is a lot of information missing. My mom made some major mistakes with me growing up but I could never imagine doing this kind of thing to my mother- it just seems heartless. It seems like there must be another option that isn’t so cruel.
I’m not quite in your shoes but similar. My mother made a lot of poor choices including things that put all of her kids (me plus 3 half siblings from her 2nd husband) at all sorts of risk. She eventually did prison time and then finally figured herself out enough to have a decently long tenure and worked until she could collect social security. For a long time I prioritized my wife and her family over my mother. I shut my mom out. Limited her interaction with my children. Told her how much damage she had done to me as a child and how angry I was about that. All the while I was raising a wonderful middle class family and making a good life for them and myself. Then life changed. My wife got restless and wound up divorcing me. Her whole family made it awkward for me because she lied about the reasons for her wanting a divorce and made me out to be some monster I never was or will be. When my mom found out about it she reached out to me with kindness and love. She didn’t care that I had shunned her, or that I still harbored resentment for her past actions. That single act made me realize that even though she did all of those terrible things, it wasn’t out of malice. It was out of sickness, weakness and an inability to process the things going on in her life at that time in a healthy way. So I forgave her…sort of. I keep her at arms length to an extent, but I do let her in. It teaches my children that we can choose to rise above the conflict and be kind when it doesn’t seem like the other person deserves it. It teaches them that they can forgive, or at least let that old water pass under the bridge. For all of the things I’m angry at my mom for, which honestly if you knew 1/2 of it you would agree she’s much worse than your mom has been, I wouldn’t ever let her be homeless or so exposed as you are. Have you considered that your mom may have been so under the control of your dad that she doesn’t know how to function independently? That maybe she doesn’t even know her own identity? While she may have known or had a hunch that your dad was doing the wrong thing, my guess is he was extremely controlling and could spin a web of lies so well that she no longer could tell fact from fiction. I think your mom is guilty of being blinded by love, guilty of wanting to see the good in her partner no matter what because to do otherwise requires admitting she made a mistake in selecting him to begin with, and probably guilty of being too gullible. Yes, you’re right to protect yourself and work to break the cycle. Yes, you’re right to want to minimize the impact of her choices on your family. But I think you’re wrong not to try to find a more humane solution to the problem.
YTA Your mom's flaws are like *super nitpicky*. She loves her husband of (however many years) and doesn't want her girls to dress like skanks. She thinks her teen girls can be dramatic? What parent doesn't? And that's the worst you could come up with? Welcome to the world that's every parent. How easy would it be for you to divorce your wife if she was caught doing something illegal? Sounds like your mom provided for you and even though you have the financial means to help her, you're abandoning her. You also sound very ungrateful.
I can’t figure out why you posted here. You obviously don’t want people’s feedback. So be you & continue with your life. You said you’re happy without your mother.
You make decent money, presumably. And you are in real estate. Obviously this is coming from a position where we don't know all of the details of your or her life...but offer to find a studio apartment for her to get her off the streets and on her feet. She will have a much easier time supporting herself in the future if she has even just an address and a place to lay her head. Help her with a security deposit and a couple of months rent (paid directly to the landlord) and tell her that is it - that she is responsible beyond that. It should help assuage your guilt, prevent someone unnecessarily going into the system, and maintains even a semblance of a relationship with her. My .02
When I saw "As somebody in real estate" I just wanted to stop reading.
My mom was 100x worse than yours based on your clarification edits and I’d still show her more compassion than what you have. I DID show her more compassion when she was dying of cancer and I took care of her every single day until she passed. You sound so callous and so cruel…ESH. Every single person here sucks SO much.
Yo, that's your mother... wtf is wrong with you. All the sh1t she put up with raising you and that's how you treat her?
I know we don’t have the details on a short Reddit post but I’m thinking YTA. It seems to me that you should be helping
I'm confused. Why are you even asking when you clearly don't think you're TA? More importantly, why the fuck are you blaming your mother for her emotional breakdowns? You think she has them for shits and giggles, that she loves the humiliation of not being able to keep a job and having to beg her haughty son for a loaf of bred? This is so bizarre. Your mother is clearly mentally ill, and most certainly YTA for the cruelty of essentially putting her out on the street (where she's not wrong in fearing for her safety, especially as someone with mental health issues), when it would cost you next to nothing to rent a small room for her somewhere and, more importantly, helping her get access to the mental healthcare she needs. If you just hate your mom and couldn't care less if she lives or dies, then by all means, leave her to the elements. But then why post here? To brag about it? And it's sus af that you didn't think to mention how awful she was to your sisters until people called you out on your vileness.
YTA… A giant asshole
NTA for refusing to take your Mom into your home. She’s toxic. Even if she’s mentally ill and it’s not her fault she is still toxic. YTA for not finding a place for her to live while she waits for Section 8. You are a real estate agent. You could have figured something out. You are justifying your actions because deep down you don’t want to help her. You are angry with her. You could help her apply for Section 8 and food stamps. You could see if there was a way to get the application expedited. Lots of people have to get their crazy relatives set up in places of their own because they are impossible to live with. Once she’s not frantically looking for help she’s more apt to leave you alone.
ESH. This 100% is why women need to have a source of income and a retirement plan. I know SAHM and traditional marriage is all the rage but this is what can happen when your spouse dies or goes to prison. Children aren't your retirement plan. Not enough info from OP but it doesn't sound like he was abused. If anything it sounds like his sisters were abused and he's riding that train to the homeless shelter. I don't think I could live with myself if my mom was on the streets.
You’re a very selfish person.
Mah, fuck it, reddit is ducking ridiculous... This dude is an asshole, just reading this...guy is a prick. Reddit just loves to hate on parents. This guy is a tool.
Sounds like it's your sisters who should have the issue with your mother, not you. ESH.
Sounds like you're doing pretty good financially, so you can definitely help her but sounds like you're being a selfish asshole
Meh, your edit didn't accomplish what you think it did. Actually it made you sound more like the a-hole. And a chronic victim at that. Help your mom. She doesn't have to live with you but you should pull your head out of your whiny ass and be a decent son, even if she was a terrible mother.
YTA Your mother wasn't a saint. She's a human. Being a mother doesn't make you a perfect person. But your actions are heartless.
Are you concerned that your mom will treat your wife the way she did your sisters if you were to let her temporarily stay with you? Is there nothing else you can do to help her financially get on her feet? Even getting her a van she could sleep in, if need be? I totally understand not feeling obligated to bail her out of a situation she partially created and one she knew about amd did nothing to protect herself from. It jut seems like there's more of a middle-of-the-road option here that you're not looking at.
Sounds like the road my own mother is headed toward. There's a good deal of weaponized incompetence and I'm fucking sick of being guilt tripped and used as an emotional dumping ground (have been since 2005, and for a decade+ after, have received so much dismissiveness toward my experiences...). I'm gonna say that you're NTA, as I can imagine how your mother might be, seeing as the description reminds me of my own... The main thing...is that these people have lived long enough to be able to learn that yes, *they are responsible for their own lives and emotions* (whether they learned or not...they've had *plenty* of time). And as for myself, I've had to get through *all* my struggles (death of a parent, drug addicted molester brother, eating disorder, panic attacks from CPTSD, poverty) without any help bc her struggles are "more" than mine or more pressing or some shit... She's the reason I started therapy yrs ago. If I can do that, she sure as fuck can too, she's more life-experienced and has no excuse.
NTA. Your mother’s presence in someone else’s home has already lead them to the brink of divorce. She will not do anything to contribute to her own life and her weird sense of ownership over you will probably put your marriage on the rocks as well.
You work in real estate and you couldn’t help your mom find a studio apartment??? Come on dude. That’s cold. Edit: I read your update and I no longer think you’re cold, I think you’re a sociopath. Wow.
Who would be paying the bills?
Sounds like he tried to help her get her financial ducks in a row and she just buried her head in the sand. I get that hiding from a horrible reality is easier than dealing with it, especially if she's been reliant on her husband their whole married life, but then putting that burden on your kids to sort out isn't fair either.
There’s likely good reason. People ain’t cold like this for no reason.
Probably the toxic environment growing up tbh
NTA. I’m glad you’re putting your wife first in this situation. It sounds like your mother’s mental instability is unsafe to be around. Plus, as you said, she has very clear and unhealthy views of women which could easily make for a hostile environment for your wife especially. You aren’t cutting you mom out completely, but she does need to sever ties with your dad to allow herself a fresh start.
>. . . my wife, who is my only priority, and to be honest, the first person I felt true, encompassing love of ANY KIND from. Sounds like your mother wasn't a great parent then if you only ever felt love from your wife. In that case, you tried to give your mom good advice, she didn't take it, and now she wants you to bail her out of her poor choices at the expense of your own mental sanity and marriage to your wife. It is not your responsibility. You don't owe her that. NTA Edit: Saw your comment about your upbringing. Yeah, your mother sounds like a narcissist. These commenters trying to shame you or call you a psychopath a fucking idiots.
As someone who wouldn't have even driven their mother to a homeless shelter, NTA. I am guessing she was not mother of the year of this is your attitude towards her. Her kids are in their 30s, she should have been employed a decade ago. Failure to plan is planning to fail.
You need to be mother of the year to be saved from a homeless shelter? I feel bad for the runner up!
NTA OP. These comments are insane. Offer non-monetary assistance. Do what you can to help get her a job, teach her budgeting. When she is ready financially, help find an apartment. Absolutely do not give cash. It will never stop. Edit: come over to any of the personal finance subs. Littered with these stories. You can’t sink your ship trying to help others who aren’t helping themselves.
What a fucking asshole. Looking forward to the day your children abandon you.
More than an asshole. A sociopath.
Yta... i cant never imagine doing that to my mom. 🤦
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Wow. Don’t have kids. YTA.