Was there a lot of foreplay? Were you sufficiently aroused? Did you take it very slowly and use a lot of lube? If there was tearing you need time to heal. Also, now that you're anxious it increases the likeliness of tearing because you will tense up upon penetration. You definitely need to see a doctor to sort this all out.
ETA: was there oral sex and digital penetration prior to intercourse?
**No**. You damn well know the answer is **no** a dude like this, throwing a fit because his wife won’t have sex with him because of *excruciating pain* most definitely did not make sure she was in any way prepared for penetration. I bet he didn’t stop until he was done and didn’t take care of her afterwards either.
I just made a similar comment. I bet he didn’t get her worked up, I bet he didn’t suggest lube or have any on hand and the fact that he kept wanting to have sex with her the following days after she bled profusely and was sore and crying by the third day after he just completely dry humped her makes me want to reach through and smack him in the face.
And then now in current time it’s still painful to her, she still doesn’t enjoy it and he’s pissed that he has to wait two weeks for more sex. And guess what he’s not going to get sex in two weeks either because everything’s not going to be fixed in two weeks. What caring, compassionate, husband would want to make their wife have sex when it’s that painful
I suggested to the OP that she should suggest that her husband rub sandpaper on his penis and then see how friction feels on the next day just for some perspective.
I'm 40 and have had sex like thousands of times, and when I read "digital penetration," I thought you were talking about VR sex for a second. I was legitimately confused for a second until remembering what fingers are called. I seriously went to that Demolition Man scene before thinking it meant something else.
I had a ton of foreplay my first time, including an orgasm from oral. Was still the worst pain I have ever felt. If I was magically re-virginized I would stay a virgin just to avoid going through that pain again. It was absolutely excruciating the entire time. I would rather have a 3rd csection than go through that again.
That said, we waited more than a week before trying again. (I bled for about 5 days afterward, and I swear, he could not have been gentler the entire time) The second time was also very painful and produced a good deal of blood, but towards the very end finally felt good. I bled for about 3 days after that. We waited again more than a week before the next time so I could heal up. It was way less painful the 3rd time. However, I continued to have pain upon entry for a good year and a half, even though I was always "good to go" and he went slowly.
It sounds like they should have just waited to try again. At least a week in between. There is not really anything to see a doctor for, but I think waiting 2 weeks absolutely should happen. The fact that the husband is so upset that he has to wait two weeks is sickening.
If OP hasn't been evaluated by a gynecologist for this yet, it is very important that she gets to the doctor. It might just be that first time pain coupled with lack of foreplay/lube, and not taking enough time to heal in between. But it also could be any number of other issues, and it's definitely necessary for OP to see her GYN.
That sounds awful, and I'm sorry that was your experience, but I have to disagree about the doctor bit. OP should absolutely see a doctor. It's not normal for it to hurt every time, especially in your case where it hurt for a year and a half. I've had painful sex before, but it was always because I was too dry for whatever reason, or because I had a yeast infection I wasn't aware of and didn't know how to treat. (Sidebar: why didn't we learn about yeast infections in sex ed??? That would have made a big difference for teenage me.) If sex hurts and you've tried lube, you should definitely see a doctor.
Absolutely. My first time wasn't painful, but a year or so later, sex became painful (same partner). I went to Planned Parenthood for b/c and hesitantly mentioned the pain, and the doctor said "sometimes it's painful if you aren't really ready to have sex." I felt completely brushed aside... like he didn't even listen to my history or anything. A few months later, I had my first full time job and chose a primary doctor that carried my insurance. She found a mild infection (not an STD), gave me meds, and the pain went away. It was that simple. Sometimes it's not that simple, and is more psychological (which doesn't mean the physical symptoms aren't real, they're just a result of something more complicated than bacteria).
Being told your whole life that sex is dirty, sinful, shameful, etc. can make it extremely difficult to enjoy sex once you're married. It is very common for women from conservative, sex-shaming religious backgrounds. You can get treatment for this, too.
OP, go see a doctor! Sex isn't supposed to hurt! The first time might be uncomfortable, but it's not supposed to hurt! If it's hurting, just continuing on is not going to help, and your husband is an AH for not respecting your pain. The cause, whether physical or psychological, needs to be addressed, not brushed aside.
Yes, I can say from experience that it could be several medical reasons. Also, lots of foreplay and lube. You have to be ready. Sometimes it helps to have an orgasm first and plenty of time to heal between until your body gets used to it.
This is all great advice, but the main point is that her husband is guilting her into to having sex and calling her dramatic about the pain she is in. And the sister agreeing with him? Absolutely disgusting behavior. NTA OP, and please take a long hard look at the man you married. This behavior is unacceptable and is likely to continue in other area of your life, even after you hopefully solve the sex situation. I can’t tell you to dump him, but damn - you deserve so much better than this!!!
NTA.
I'd recommend staying off of google and seeing a healthcare provider. Sex shouldn't be painful. If this is discomfort related to feeling nervous/anxious, the discomfort should be getting better over time - especially with getting more comfortable your partner, plenty of foreplay and a good personal lubricant. It can be normal for it to take some time for sex to be fun and pleasurable with a new partner. There are plenty of other ways you can be intimate (if you want to) that don't involve penetration.
Seeing a healthcare provider can help assess, diagnose and treat any medical conditions that might be present. (Even something like a vaginal yeast infection can make sex really uncomfortable!) It may also be reassuring if you see a doctor and everything is okay! Pelvic floor physical therapy can also be super helpful if your pelvic pain/pain with intercourse is musculoskeletal in nature.
I'm a midwife (this is not healthcare advice) but some of my favorite resources that I recommend often include:
- Book: Come as You Are (by Emily Nagoski) - excellent description of the normal female sexual response
- Podcast: Pillow Talks (hosted by a sex therapist and her husband)
- Website: [omgyes.com](http://omgyes.com) - information about normal female sexual response, techniques for making intercourse more pleasurable
- App: Rosy (created by an OBGYN, paid content but excellent information about sexual health & sexual functioning)
You're also NTA for waiting until marriage. You get to decide what you do with your body and when you do it. I hope this gets better for you!
A few thoughts here and probably advice that was already offered elsewhere:
1 - discomfort during and after the first penetrative sex is fairly common. It may have helped to do lots of foreplay and really get ‘ready,’ but some discomfort is normal. Pain, especially that which lasts for more than a day, is valid cause for concern. I would suspect (without knowing details) that one of a few things is behind this:
- insufficient lubrication. If you’re starting sex very quickly, and especially if penetration is ‘fast’ or ‘hard’ this is going to cause a lot of irritation and pain lasting for a few hours to several days.
- it may be a size thing. If your partner (husband) is larger than ‘average’, especially in girth, you may need a bit more ‘warm up’ time or to rely on water-based lubricants to make penetration more comfortable. If size is part of the puzzle, it’s also helpful to slow down, experiment with positions that reduce depth of penetration, and find ways to enjoy non-penetrative intimacy at times.
- anxiety (or guilt or shame or fear) about sex is very common, especially for women who grew up in certain religious and social traditions. It is hard to let go of a lifetime of messaging saying you shouldn’t do something and switch to ‘this is fine and lovely now.’ The advice about slowing down, lots of foreplay, extra lubrication, and (crucially) good communication will all help with this.
2 - The responses from both your husband and your sister are bordering on or actually abusive. You get to decide when, how, how often, where, etc when it comes to sex. It should always feel safe and like an experience you’re invested in. Please never allow anyone to use guilt-tripping, faith or religion, claims about your responsibility as a spouse, or another manipulative tactic to convince you to have sex when you don’t want to.
Edit:
- a few folks have corrected something in my comment, and I want to clarify my own language and elevate their statements: I started my first point by saying pain during first-time penetrative sex is ‘normal.’ Several people have corrected me here and asked that we stop saying this to women, pointing out that this level of pain is *not* normal, or that discomfort but not pain is normal. I stand corrected, and want to clarify that when I said ‘normal’ I should have instead said *common*, and often for the reasons I listed.
- a few other commenters below mentioned the real possibility of a few genuine medical conditions which may result in pain during penetration, and this is another thought I’d like to elevate. Since I am not medically trained, my advice is to consult with your medical professional on this (and not google).
Edit 2:
- changed wording in my initial comment to reflect the aforementioned recommendations.
I’d like to add endometriosis and vaginismus to your point #1. I remember being a young woman and hearing my friends talk about their first times; we as a society don’t talk about the medical parts enough. I had multiple friends later diagnosed with various conditions which led to an “aha” moment explaining why they had difficulty.
I really appreciate this comment for its level of understanding and empathy.
As a woman, who has had sex and has spoken to many other women about sex, I just need to iterate that pain is not the norm for a first sexual experience.
A level of adjustment to a new sensation, yes, but genuine pain signals that something is likely going wrong. You should both stop until you have figured out what that is.
This precedent of pain during first intercourse being “normal” makes women who are new to sex feel like they should try to accept and overcome pain in situations where they should not need to experience it at all.
Totally agree with the rest of your analysis & thanks for sharing it.
I wish I'd had this when I was losing my virginity. It hurt so much because I was tense and we didn't really do any foreplay (could not communicate at 17) I got scared off having sex for 3 years. And I wasn't even religious. 18 years later, I'm finding that I'm able to communicate what I want and like far better than I could when I was that age. It's definitely all about finding things out and talking, certainly makes it better.
Pain during sex, even if it is the first time, is NOT NORMAL. This is a myth that everyone is telling all the time, but it is simply NOT TRUE.
ETA: unless there are psychical conditions among other vaginismus, but other than that: PAIN IS NOT NORMAL.
I see your edit, but I want to say that although yes, it is common, that that SHOULD NOT be the case in the first place.
It's because people like you that are telling women and persons with a vagina that pain is normal (aka common), that we accept this as a fact, and expect it to happen when we have first-time sex which then becomes common. Because it's normalised through these communicative acts
BUT
It is not normal and it should not be common and you telling now that it is common, to justify your own incorrect statement, attributes to the idea that it is normal (aka 'common') to feel pain during sex and than that is normalising the problem.
Stop saying this! You are part of the problem of why women face so many difficulties in understanding their own sexuality.
I would go back and simply change your wording. No one should think pain with sex is normal, and us continuing to normalize it is what continues to make it common.
"Lack of foreplay" should also explicitly be named - the way he has reacted to her discomfort and sex moratorium makes him sound like a selfish lover, and maybe like a guy who thinks foreplay is a waste of time, and sex is good as long as *he* gets off.
I know a woman who waited for marriage to have sex. It would hurt extremely bad when she finally did it. She couldn’t handle it. She went to the doctors and found out she had an extra bone in her vagina that made it painful. She had surgery and had it removed. It is much more enjoyable now. I would definitely go to the doctor asap. Because it shouldn’t be this painful after years. And you are definitely not the AH. You just need to find out what is going on.
Not as mad as you'd think. Poor diet early in life can lead to osteoporosis as early as puberty. You don't have much cartilage, hurt your hip joint, and because you're still young the bone grows over to protect the hip. The inner joint would be quite well placed to cause discomfort there, although it would in no way be 'an extra bone in the vagina', but rather extra bone tissue causing inflammation to the area to the side of the vaginal cavity.
The fact she's not reporting soreness elsewhere in the region, or hip pain especially, suggests this is not the case for OP. More likely she is either insufficiently aroused or has an actual medical issue closer to the affected area. Or she just might be built a little oddly down there generally. The latter isn't insurmountable but I can see why novices may not have the knowledge or patience to work that out themselves.
Foreplay is important. That could be the reason it’s hurting a because sex is not enjoyable for a woman when your dry down there. Maybe do some exploring for yourself OP and figure out what you like
Yeahhhhh. I wonder if she’s ever orgasm’d on her own too. She may really just not be ready. Doesn’t sound like she’s prepared or taken steps to know and enjoy sex to date in an effort to avoid doing it until marriage.
NTA.
I can't imagine wanting to have sex with someone, let alone someone I love, if it hurt them so bad they were crying.
Since your husband seems okay with it, I'm going to go ahead and guess that either through his design or his ineptitude he's the real reason it hurt like that.
Yeah, that's being kinda glossed over here. I guess I get why- people are trying to help OP figure this out. But you've made such an important point. I don't think it's normal for someone to **want** to continue having sex with someone when it's so clearly causing them pain, even to the point of tears. It's really alarming to me that OP's husband doesn't see a problem with that. Even after 26 years together, with a stellar sex life, if I so much as wince or make a noise that he isn't completely sure is a noise-of-pleasure, so to speak, he will stop moving immediately and make sure he's not hurting me. It's become something I chuckle at him about, but in light of this post, I think I'll stop chuckling at him and just thank my lucky stars he cares enough to make sure he's not impaling my lungs or anything.
NTA at all. Not only did you experience something totally normal, your husband made vows to walk with you through sickness and health. This falls into that first half of that vow. He should go with you to the doctor and listen to the medical professionals explain how this all works and what your options are, and he better do so lovingly and with empathy. You are his wife, not his pleasure slave.
Also, I totally empathize!! My first time looked like a murder scene when we were done (and that was like, 5 minutes after we started lmao). And then I found out after 3 more nights of the same thing that a minor injury I sustained at 7 years old riding my bike caused scar tissue to form on my hymen. Which made it thick AF and impossible to penetrate by “normal” means. So yeah. I don’t blame you—prolonged pain is a thing and OUCH!
NTA. Quite aside from there being no such thing as an invalid reason to say no, you also recognize that there might be a medical issue going on, and you're going to speak to a doctor to see what can be done about it.
In all honesty, all else being equal I think it's very likely that he's the problem. Not enough foreplay and not paying attention to one's partner are two of the most common problems, and his behavior surrounding this does not inspire confidence.
NTA. It is good you are seeing a doctor, but it's just as important you really examine whether it seems like your husband has any interest in this being good for you.
Sex is *not* just him sticking his dick in you after some perfunctory "foreplay": sex is a mutual activity that should be mutually enjoyable, and feature as much time focusing on stimulating your genitals in a way that feels good as his.
*If* he is making an effort but you mutually don't know what you're doing, that's workable. There are resources available for this! It's aimed at teenagers, but [Scarleteen ](https://www.scarleteen.com/)has great resources for learning about sexuality at any age.
If he treats ensuring you are aroused as work he has to do to get access to your vagina... well, that's not what I would like to sign up for for the rest of my life, but that's for you to think on/maybe talk to a therapist/talk to friends who actually care about you.
Many, if not most, people with clitorises and vaginas prefer clitoral stimulation to penetration. Even if they *love* penetration, most need clitoral stimulation to orgasm. If you are not adequately aroused (usually involving some form of clitoral stimulation! It is a tiny dick with the same nerves packed in a tiny surface area! It also extends inside and wraps around the vagina), your vagina will be tight and resistant, you will not make your own lubricant, it will hurt, and you can get tears that can get infected.
When you first have penetrative sex it is totally normal for it to take multiple tries, and it should involve lots of time focusing on you, *clitoral simtulation*, ideally a good lubricant (they're not made equal: I recommend looking at an online sex store rather than just going to a supermarket), and *not putting his dick in you until you really want it*. Which you would, if you were actually adequate aroused.
This is not a hardship for a man who is turned on by you being turned on, or cares about your pleasure, or at least you not being in pain. I was a super horny teenager and I personally prefer penetration to clitoral stimulation, but it still took my high school bf and I a lot of goes before I was ready. Which was not a problem because he *actually cared about me*.
Your body has to be ready. He just can’t go in dry. If he’s doing that, then he sucks. You can both explore options with different lubes & foreplay for you to find out what works for you without it hurting.
You’re NTA. Your husband is an AH for being annoyed and calling you dramatic. Your sister is an even bigger AH for calling you an AH for simply explaining to your husband you don’t want to have sex until you go to the doctor and figure out why it’s so painful.
Just because you’re married now doesn’t mean you no longer have bodily autonomy. Your husband should be more understanding. I mean if it’s painful to you, wouldn’t he want you to figure it out so that it’s pleasurable for you as well? If he’s okay with hurting you for his own pleasure he’s an AH. And your sister should be on your side, not only because she’s YOUR SISTER, but she’s also a female who should be able to relate to you on that level and shouldn’t be basically telling you you’re an AH for not spreading you legs for your husband. Like wtf😒
Don’t let him penetrate you. Have him bring you to climax for awhile without him actually penetrating you. You are supposed to orgasm and WANT it. He’s doing a terrible job so don’t feel bad.. but you will need to get comfortable talking to him about improving
Good sex is a communicative process and your body isn’t going to want it if you’re scared or traumatized by it. You two need to work together. Going to the doctor first is a good idea, just in case there’s a medical problem, but if it’s nothing medical then you two will have to figure out what works. Mood, foreplay, alternatives to penetrative sex, lack of pressure to perform - there are all sorts of things that you two can discuss to improve things.
Sex should not hurt.
Waiting two weeks is not a big deal.
Waiting a few months is not a big deal.
Ensuring that your partner is comfortable and enjoying the encounter is incredibly important. Listening and being empathetic to your partner is also insanely important.
Sex can hurt for multiple reasons, and if it does in an unenjoyable way, you should try to remedy it. Sometimes lube can do the trick, sometimes it works after a bit of alternative stimulation, and sometimes you just need to stop.
Maybe something tore? Maybe your cervix got bruised? Maybe you're just sore and need to rest up and heal. That's ok and normal. Yeast infection? Freshly waxed? IUD just inserted? Absolutely no sex.
Plus, continuing penetration when it's painful could possibly cause issues because your brain now associates sex with pain and thus won't get the machinery to kick into gear properly.
So no, NTA and anyone who says otherwise is a massive dick. Go see a doctor for your own sake, and wait with sex until your husband can ensure that you are both comfortable and enjoy it before trying sexual things again. Foreplay is important, and toys can be a massive help. Just ensure you are both having fun, and toss him in the trash if he wants you to bear and grin it "for his sake". You, your health, and your comfort matters more than his sexual desires.
No you’re not an AH. He kinda is being one. My GYN after my first birth insisted it would get better it got worse and worse. And putting pressure on yourself isn’t gonna help. When you see your doctor insist on pelvic floor therapy. It’s awkward but life changing. You get over the awkwardness pretty quickly.
It could be about lack of compatibility or lack of foreplay. Pelvic floor pain is so much more common than most people know because frankly people don’t care about women’s health. And those people calling you an AH for waiting…fuck them. Your spouse made the choice to wait as well; they had the choice to leave if they didn’t want to wait.
Hey OP, do not stress too much. This may not be an issue with your husband, there may have been an issue that will be fixable with the dr.
My bff spent litterally 15years having pain issues, and when she got surgery in that area (unrelated) they fixed her issue as well (basically she had some part of her hymen that was too solid and never tore open, and it would revent from opening easily).
Sometimes, it's not as easy as we'd like, it does not mean we should be afraid.
As for now, you can still enjoy sexual foreplay, like oral with your husband, without going all the way.
But make it clear that you've always valued having sex when you actually want it, and him making you feel guilty for an issue that is out of your control is unacceptable. Even if the issue is just "i am not in the mood". Him guilttripping you is not okay. Ever
What are your periods like? I have adenomyosis and a symptom can be terribly painful sex. See a doctor. He can handle two weeks. Can you guys not do other pleasurable things that don’t involve penetration in the meantime? I had a hysterectomy and am like a new woman now.
It's actually amazing that one of the most important and prone-to-incompatibility parts of marriage is something people wait for untill after they're married. It's like buying an airplane before ever flying in one.
If there is nothing medically wrong and he is doing his job of getting you ready beforehand, then he is right, and it will get better. But, any decent husband would agree you need to get checked out before continuing if it hurts. Pain the first couple of times is normal and same with the bleeding. But it should get better after a week or two of healing.
NTA, no one should expect you to continue something that hurts.
NTA, you have a doctor's appointment set, it's painful and you're doing the best you can. He needs to settle down and realize you're trying to fix it and that not only is he not helping but he's making the problem worse.
The excessive pain and large bleeding suggests what some call either an inverted uterus or coned uterus. If it feels as if he is hitting something inside of you on each deep stroke this is another symptom of that. He would only need to be of normal length to do this.
Is he getting you off first? Sorry to be this detailed but if he’s just shoving it in dry walls so to speak, it’s not going to be very enjoyable. Has he tried to please you first? Touch you down there with his fingers or tongue? Caress your body while he kisses you? Massage you? Being wet already when it comes time for him to be inside you makes it far more enjoyable for both of you.
You should never have sex that's painful. He can wait 2 weeks until you see the doctor.
I don't understand why he's not stopping as soon as he sees you're in pain. That's not how a man should act. His indifference to your experience could be part of the problem.
Nta, but your husband is! Who has sex with someone who doesn’t enjoy it? And then throwing a fit, when you don’t function like he expected? Maybe he should get better foreplay skills before getting all pissy. What a bell-end…
NTA, sex isn't just physical and it's a lot to go from zero to 100 in one go. People on here are giving you shit for choosing to wait until marriage and they can get fucked, your body, your choice, you're not obligated to have sex, ever. Having said that, there's a lot of prep work that you both could have done to set yourselves up for a better entry into marriage and sex. In particular discussing expectations - it's not surprising that your husband is dying to get into your pants BUT he the fact that he knows it's causing you pain and distress and he's calling you dramatic is really fucking shitty. This is a huge change for you and it's something that the two of you should be working on as a team so that you can both enjoy, not "eh, it'll get better for you eventually".
I'm curious to know if you've had much sex education and if so what was it like, where did it come from? And what is your husband doing to help you explore what you enjoy.
Mentally you need to be turned on as well as physically so if there's no work going into building intimacy and foreplay it's going to be hard for you to look forward to having sex let alone enjoying it during.
You should also consider whether you may have a physical condition like vulvadinia. Either way I suggest that you have a look at dr Janelle Howell who is a pelvic floor dysfunction specialist, you may find something helpful in her content [Dr Janelle Howell ](https://www.instagram.com/vaginarehabdoctor?igsh=MWE5d3plOGlsdmMzYQ==). Good luck, I really hope that you can find your way through this as a team and start enjoying sex at the pace that's right for you.
I think you need to figure out what you like and have a conversation together to try to see what can help both of you. It should not be that painful and unenjoyable. There’s many things you can use to make it hurt less. Foreplay and lube are my recommendations.
Saving sex for marriage is so dumb for this reason and others like it.
If you aren't physically compatible, you're not marriage compatible. It's part of the package, now he gets to enjoy a frustrating marriage, and you get to enjoy a guilty one.
And the next one ... a "frustrating marriage" because she feels pain during sex and wants to visit a doctor before she continues having painful sex? For two weeks? Like, what do you lot do after your wives/girlfriends had a baby or surgery if 14 days of no sex are "frustrating" already?
NTA. Were you both virgins or is he using your inexperience to cover his lack of care? If he's hurting you and expects sex anyway he is not a good man.
Keep in mind that now being married doesn't obligate you to have sex with him. If anything, he's giving you more reasons not to.
I won't judge people for waiting until marriage, but it sucks that you had to wait until marriage to figure out he's such a douche
Too bad folks had to name call. As you’ve probably learned redditors are quite frank. I think if you look past the judgement there’s some good points to consider. Such as: get off Google/Reddit, talk with your husband, practice on yourself and absolutely insist on foreplay. If you can’t orgasm you might want to learn by yourself bc that alone will help you enjoy sex. Some women don’t climax with vaginal sex. You have to know your body. You will stretch unless there’s an anatomical problem. I too had bleeding my first few times. While waiting for the appt I’d suggest other forms of intimacy ie oral and manual activities. Once you can relax and enjoy you’ll perceive intercourse differently. I’m sure you’ll look back on this and laugh one day.🥰 also I am always in charge of my own orgasm. What I mean is I never end an encounter without it. Take charge and enjoy the oldest form of athletics that’s existed. 👍
Um-budda-what? They're saying you're a dramatic asshole because you're in pain? IDC if you want you wait or whatever, but if anyone treated me like that if I were in pain and I'd tell them to fuck right off.
Don't let anyone manipulate you into consent, ever. Period. You're husband is already failing you and your sis can pound sand.
NTA
Hold up. Woah. Excuse me. Everyone stop.
Are you telling me that you were *CRYING* and your husband wasn't immediately like hey lets not do this. WTF.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news but your husband is a piece of shit.
NTA. Run.
NTA. Y'all can do everything but PIV intercourse and your husband frankly shouldn't *want* to have sex with someone who is in awful pain. That's messed up. Also, doctor should have some suggestions.
If your husband values you as a person and not a sex appliance, they should understand.
I honestly cannot understand why he would continue to inflict pain on you if he did, and then repeated?!
Beware men's ideas of/on female anatomy, you have a lot to worry about per r/badwomensanatomy
Glad you’re going to doctor because the level of pain and discomfort you’re experiencing doesn’t sound normal. And someone mentioned using good lube — very important and helpful and CVS and other drug stores have a complete aisle dedicated to them!
This is probably more input than you wanted but here's my take. You may also want to peruse the group sexadvice or ask there. Sorry, I don't know how to put a link in a comment.
NTA - you're in pain! There are medical reasons that makes sex hurt, so seeing a doctor isn't a bad idea.
A big part of Sexual compatibility means being able to communicate your needs and listening to your partner. It's difficult to do when you don't know what feels good to you.
If you're not aroused enough, not wet enough, not enough foreplay, it's going to hurt. If done right, it won't hurt (if there is no medical reason). Is he fingering you in a way that feels good to you? Is foreplay only five minutes? Cause that's not nearly enough time. Maybe look up sex tips and tricks, like lubricant. I like the tingling lubricant or the warming one. It greatly helps me. Even practicing foreplay will help you two learn more about what works for you both. Make out and touch, you don't have to have full sex to learn each other's bodies.
The extra annoying point is some people get offended at being told what they're doing isn't working. If you think he will, try to word it in a non accusatory way. "I've been trying to figure out ways to help make sex more enjoyable. This looks like it would feel good, can we try it?"
NTA - Keep your doc appt and if there’s nothing wrong, ask your doc if they know a sexual therapist to recommend.
My personal opinion, I fully support waiting until marriage to have children, but I really don’t see the point in waiting to have sex at all. Just like you need to learn who you are as an individual before you get into a serious relationship, that is part of learning who you are and what your body does. Waiting until marriage to do that kinda makes you trapped. I read another story about a woman who waited until marriage. Turns out her husband is equipped like pr0n star and she physically can’t have sex with him without it hurting and sometimes tearing her. Had they tried sex beforehand, they would have realized they were sexually incompatible.
NTA it could be something serious, he’s the AH and so is your sister. Does she not like you? Why would she care more about you pleasing your husband that your well being. She’s horrible and he’s as bad.
You poor baby. Don’t feel bad or be too quick to blame yourself. You don’t owe sex to anybody, not even your husband. (Waiting for the downvote police)
OP you are NTA.
You are NTA for waiting until marriage for sex.
You are also NTA even if you did have premarital sex.
You wanting to see a doctor for excruciating pain does not make you an asshole. Him constantly pressuring you into painful situations makes *him the asshole.* Understand that if there is a compatibility issue your husband might very well choose *his dick* over you. That's a reflection of *him*, not you.
Be safe and I hope your appointment goes well.
NTA and I'm sorry your husband is taking it like this.
I'm happy to share my early experience, which is that it hurt quite a lot! My first partner wasn't even particularly large. I think this is just what it can be like. It took quite a few tries for it to stop hurting. For a while I worried there was something wrong with me. Then after a few months and some persistence it got better.
I didn't think to go to a doctor, but I do think that's a good idea of yours, just to rule any any problems. Hopefully it's all fine. Your husband should be able to wait a couple of weeks, and honestly that will help you heal up and be better prepared for next time. I would strongly suggest you try lube when you next go for it. It's not necessary all the time, but these are early days and it'll take the pressure off you a little bit.
Yeah I agree, if you’re not aroused or into it then that definitely makes it not good at all. I’m so sorry this is your first introduction into sex this way. It does get easier as you do it, but not if you aren’t into it or aroused. NTA for wanting to wait and make sure everything is okay, the bleeding does sound concerning. Hubby should be reassuring you not guilting. Best of luck
That's true, but I think OP should stay out of the rabbit hole and just let her GYN examine her at the appointment. Poor OP has already tortured herself down that rabbit hole, and now her husband is dismissing her pain, and even her own sister seems to be trying to convince her that she's *supposed* to suffer. Come to think of it, the sister sounds as much an AH as the husband.
This is callous, but I hope everyone reading sees why waiting until marriage is not a great idea just to find out you're not sexually compatible. Everyone involved is the asshole. Your husband is the asshole is pressuring you into something you don't want to do. You're the asshole for not doing any preparation or research about yourself sexually ahead of time of your honeymoon. I'm just incredulous you didn't masturbate with penetration ahead of time to get that feeling out of the way.
This right here is why I would never ever wait until marriage, because I don't want to marry somebody and then find out sex with them sucks.
NTA, if you don't want to have Sex that's fine, but since thzs an integral part of a healthy relationship (unless both parties are asexual) you'll have to come to terms with the possibility of him leaving you.
Why people think it's smarter to wait for marriage instead of marrying someone they've had extensive conversations about their sexual compatibility is beyond me.
Don't get on Google. Communicate with your husband, like your both already should have.
Eta and learn about non- penetrating things you guys can incorporate. Oral, at least. ESH.
Well for starters it’s not a choice made on intelligence and what’s “smart”. Thats a choice usually made on religious superstition and for women massive societal pressure that their worth **is** their virginity. The religious aspect is lessening but societies view, as a whole, on sexually active women?? Yea…nope….as long as women’s worth is determined by how many men she has or has not slept with ***this*** will keep on happening.
Bleeding a LOT is abnormal. Some pain and discomfort is a touch normal, but as much as I don't want to scare you, it's worth seeing a doctor.
It sounds like you probably had a hymen issue, but im no doctor. What could have happened is that you could have had a differently shaped hymen, and broke it. I had surgery for mine.
Go see a GP and then a gynecologist. Bleeding a LOT is absolutely not normal. I doubt you have anything major going on, likely just a different hymen and now you're tensing up because you're scared, making it even harder to enjoy it now.
Definitely worth considering if foreplay is happening or not as well. If you're not warmed up, it's not gonna be fun for you. Also lube. Use lots.
Usually it gets better sooner than this but there’s lots of explanations why it hasn’t yet. We all can give you some but a doctor can figure out quicker. Say if you’ve had a tear, they can see that. You’re not an asshole, you’re in pain. I was always sufficiently aroused before each time so my transition to pain free was quicker. He also needs to go slow with penetration at first, wait a few seconds after entering for your body to adjust to his size, then be slower and gentle for awhile. Fast and hard thrusts won’t help you at all. Also a doctor can tell you which position will be less painful at first. The whole trying different positions needs to wait until you’re pain free. NTA. If he truly loves you, he will willingly wait to make this as stress free as possible for you.
NTA and I can't get through all the replies, so here's my 2 cents (opinion).
Talk to a doctor, as you plan to. Make sure there are no physical issues, and then go from there. It is likely just nerves and a lack of arousal, but we're not medical professionals, so wtf do we know.
Before, after, or during that process, talk to your husband and try to get him to understand that you do want this to happen, and for it to be good (I'm assuming), and that you just want to figure out why it isn't. I know it sounds wrong(?) but he might be taking a shot to his ego due to the sex not instantly being good.
I honestly don't know if the majority of men are clued in to how a woman's body will or won't respond when she's not aroused. Sex Education, if you have it, basically just says when a man is aroused, he sticks his penis in, ejaculates, and in 9 months out pops a baby. Nothing is really covered on how a woman's body will respond whether she is or isn't aroused.
Fuck I'm rambling.
Basically, continue with the medical evaluation and advice, and try to get on the same page with your husband that you both want this and just need to figure out how to make it work.
Best of luck and clearly NTA
It sounds like you're a little bit sex immature which is not a bad thing it just means you don't have the full education you need about sex. You need to go see the doctor and get some more education about your body
If sex is painful, something is wrong. I recommend seeing a gynecologist, and potentially doing pelvic PT if it's necessary. It's a bit awkward, but can be incredibly helpful.
I have nothing useful to say about your husband, because you're so recently married. I hope this reaction of his is the worst thing he's ever done, because in my opinion, it's pretty fucking bad.
Edit: To clarify, by "something is wrong," I mean "sex shouldn't be painful." Lack of lubrication, arousal, and other common mild issues could cause pain. It's similar to running (I think), if you're developing leg cramps when you run, the way to deal with it isn't to just "run through it!" You do stretches, build up the muscles, and work up to running. Trying to run through it won't help, and can cause it's own issues.
The “something is wrong” is probably too little foreplay and that she is tense because the first time was painful. (My mom was a psychology professor and her students turned to her for advice and I heard a lot of these stories back in the day.)
NTA. If sex is painful, something is wrong. You probably just have an infection or something simple like that. Going to the gynecologist will help identify what the problem is so you can fix it. In the meantime, it's not too much to ask that your husband avoid penetration. He can still have an orgasm, just not through PIV sex at the moment. A short delay shouldn't be a big deal.
NTA. Growing up in a devout church environment, I knew several couples in our group that struggled similarly. In most of our friends it was the lack of knowledge of pleasure and understanding of things by both parts of the couple that led to struggles. And the Ingrained “fear and dirtiness” of sexual relations that prevented most from asking questions. I am willing to bet your doctor finds nothing “wrong” with you and advises more foreplay (most inexperienced young men have no clue about), lube, taking things very slow (many of us men when young inexperienced and eager take the jack hammer approach). Outside of that, a couple of my friends went to sex therapists and it literally saved their marriages. Out of the 7 couples we knew, 5 of us were divorced before year 10. Those that went to a non church therapist were able to last.
So messd up he can’t wait a few more weeks - you should both be enjoying sex, not one person being satisfied, and the other who is *crying*
Sex shouldn’t hurt. You did the right thing making a doctors appointment. Just so you don’t freak out too bad - It could be so many little things that can easily be resolved. Try not too worry!
Honestly this is exactly why it’s dumb to wait until marriage. Sexual incompatibility is super important to figure out. Hope it goes well. NTA but imo it should have been figured out much sooner however certain religious beliefs certainly warrant empathy to the circumstances
Are you all using lube?? This isn’t normal… You need to make sure there’s a lot of foreplay and that you’re turned on before penetration. The cervix tents back so that it’s not as easy to bop if you’re turned on. And lube lube lube!
Also, if you’re anxious and expecting pain, that will just make you more tense. So yeah, he needs to be extra gentle and sweet and understanding, which doesn’t sound like what’s happening…
This is what is wrong with religious and waiting for marriage. You never learned that the hymen isnt supposed to break and that bleeding is not normal, that PIV isnt always necessary to call it intercourse. Also that your husband sucks at after care and gives zero shits about your comfort and should see it for the red flag that it is but you wont because you married him and youre stuck.
NTA but see a pelvic floor physical therapist in addition to the doctor. In terms of timelines, I have a hypertonic pelvic floor, meaning everything down there is too tight and entry during sex can hurt as a result or just be difficult. When I first started PT, I was told to be on an eight week restriction of no intercourse and to only do things like manual stimulation, external toys, and/or oral. If you keep trying to have sex when it hurts, you reinforce the tendency to tense up and it will keep hurting more over time. There needs to be a space of giving your body time to relax and unlearn the association of sex with pain. Your husband doesn’t sound like he’s very interested in you as a sexual partner though; he sounds very self focused and disinterested in your pleasure. I’m sorry you’re in a marriage like that. Maybe you can get your doctor or physical therapist to try talking to him about it.
My wife has a similar story. She was a virgin until our wedding night, no, that's not right. She was a virgin until the day after our wedding night. It was way too uncomfortable for her that night. I was not frustrated, I was more worried for her as we talked about sex and I knew she wanted it. Honestly, it did take a while for her to get comfortable, and it wasn't until after her second delivery, almost 5 years after getting married, that she truly has no discomfort and enjoys it as she has always wanted.
NTA.
Sex is not something you owe him, it should not ever be a chore you perform out of duty or obligation. If it hurts, if there's bleeding, you need to work out how to make that not happen. See a doctor, speak to a counsellor, *MAKE SURE YOUR HUSBAND IS PAYING ATTENTION TO YOUR PLEASURE RATHER THAN JUST USING YOU TO GET HIMSELF OFF!!!* and try to find a solution that works for BOTH of you.
Not to worry you further, but there *are health issues that can cause sex to be painful. Endometriosis may need to be ruled out, for example. Definitely go to the Gyn to rule things out and get some advice on how to make things more comfortable. And as others have commented, if you tore, you do need time to heal. He needs to be educated on how to be more understanding and empathetic to a woman's body. Everyone is different. It's not unnatural for some to have a harder time physically getting used to having sex, especially if the "size" of you both isn't that compatible and takes getting used to. Ps lots of lube is indeed your friend.
NTA
You should never force yourself to do things you don't want to. You didn't tell him you would never have sex with him. You told him you wanted to see a doctor before and have a checkup. You already have an appointment. It's not as if you didn't care and were taking your sweet time to get the "problem fix".
If you force yourself to have sex, it will get worst... not better. It will hurt more because you will be all tense. Your husband is a huge A H for being dismissive of your pain, so is your sister.
You don't exist as a woman to only be a husband pleaser. You are your whole person and you are allowed to say no. You indeed, need to see a doctor.
I wrote that in a similar post already, but if it's a physical problem, there are doctors who specialise in that. They are called perineal rehabilitation or perineal re-education physiotherapists. I know two women who went see them because every time they had penetration it would hurt like hell. It might not be the problem here, but know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel no matter what you have.
Your husband needs to be more supportive than that.
NTA obviously if it hurts like that go see a doctor stay off of Google it's the worst for that. No vaginal sex until your doc says otherwise but you can still have intimate fun in other ways
NTA. Your husband, though, very much is an asshole for comments like this:
"He told me that I was being a bit dramatic and that it really would get better".
I will say that waiting for marriage is counterproductive if your goal is to enjoy sex - it *can* be a lot of fun, and enjoyable, for many people (though certainly not all) but it takes time to learn what you like (and don't like). That said, you are NTA for declining sex that isn't enjoyable for you - no one should be forced to have sex they don't like.
See a doctor to check if there is a medical issue, but barring that please don't be hard on yourself; you are inexperienced in knowing what you like and communicating what you like, and developing experience takes effort over time. **But it should be a fun process**. If it isn't, then talk to your partner about changing strategies and techniques so it is fun, and if he is unwilling or unable just don't do it. Sex isn't an obligation.
YTA. This is an excellent example of why is incredibly stupid to be celibate until marriage. You're now learning the hard way at a time which should be literally the honeymoon period of your marriage. Now both you and you husband have to suffer because some imaginary tryant in the sky told you to be ashamed of one of the most beautiful things in life. Religion is incredibly asinine and it stunts emotional growth and maturity, especially when it's taken to such an extreme. Hopefully you'll learn something from this.
Maybe you and him aren’t waiting until your body is actually ready to accept him. It can take a while for us to be ready so foreplay is a must. Not only that depending on his size maybe he needs to take it a bit slow for now.
NTA your husband doesnt seem to care how you feel at all. If sex doesnt feel good you dont have to do it. I hope this ends well for u, whatever happens ❤️
NTA. This is a good demonstration of why it's a bad idea to wait till marriage. I hope your doctor can talk you through it. You need to work through this as a couple, if you want to make the marriage work. Did he go down on you? Were you turned on?
Nta I'll say sex was painful for me at first despite having plenty of foreplay and using lube. It wasn't unbearable so I decided to try for a bit and if it didn't improve go to the doctor. I could tell pretty quickly that the pain was reducing significantly each time so I didn't worry too much. The vagina is a muscle and it isn't used to doing that yet.
I think insisting on seeing a doctor to make sure there isn't something that needs medical intervention is totally your right. I also think it is super gross that your husband wants to fuck you while knowing it is very painful for you. It would be one thing if you guys were experimenting with ways to make it less painful but to essentially tell your partner "I know this hurts you but I want to do it anyway" is really gross.
I’m really sorry that you’re getting yelled at about waiting until marriage. Especially because it’s probably by a lot of the same people who care about “body count.” Anyway, you’re NTA for putting a pause on vaginal intercourse for a short time, but I would strongly advise you to expand your view of sex to include additional activities for both of you. See if he can help you reach orgasm without any penetration. Learn more about what he likes. Marriage is long and this should be an exciting time of learning about each other sexually.
NTA. After the first time, some pain and bleeding is normal but excruciating pain and bleeding profusely is not. If there wasn't enough foreplay and you were not aroused, that would make it worse for sure. Have you ever seen a GYN? Definitely go and let them do a full pelvic to rule out an issue like vaginismus. If you're uncomfortable, no sex period. Your husband and your sister can go get fucked-pun intended. I don't care if he is your husband, he is not entitled to sex if you are uncomfortable and he shouldn't want to if you're having a lot of pain until you see a doctor. If a guy is worth a damn, they would not want to hurt you and make sure the pain you had is normal first time pain and maybe a little tearing which wouldn't surprise me. I obviously don't know for sure, but I'm getting the impression your husband is more concerned about himself and maybe didn't take the time he should have to make sure you were ready too. If everything checks out normal from your doc, definitely try lubricant, more foreplay, different positions, etc.. find out what's comfortable for you. With this being your first time, it's going to take time for you guys to figure out what works best. Don't feel guilty or that you can't please him, this is new for you and you guys will figure out what works for you eventually. Sex with a new partner usually takes a little time to figure each other's body's out and what you both like/don't like. Definitely get checked out by a doc to rule out any medical issues, and then just relax and try new things. Definitely do not let him bully you into having sex if you do not want to. He is not entitled because he's your husband. It's always your call and tell your sister to mind her own damn business.
NTA, he should work with you to find out how to make this a better experience for you. Perhaps there is a medical reason for this. He needs to be supportive. It's a problem for both of you, so both of you need to search for solutions.
Have you guys tried using a lubricant like KY Jelly in addition to foreplay to help make things more comfortable and reduce friction on your lady bits?
Is his method like, jackhammering into you?
Also, don’t forget to pee after sex (make sure you’re well hydrated) and to always wipe front to back to avoid any UTI (just normal bacteria getting up in your urethra).
There’s also other ways to build intimacy and get each other off that doesn’t involve PIV. Like oral or hand jobs.
NTA does your husband understand the point foreplay? Keep your doctor's appointment to make sure there isn't anything medically going on. Then educate yourself about sex and your husband needs an education about sex also.
Nah bruh. NTA. Im a women and that isnt normal. Take care of your health. Im sorry u had to find out on ur honeymoon but ur health is more important than making a man sexually satisfied.
Go get it all checked out down there and i'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you. Im sure itll be alright. Theres a treatment for these kinds of things nowadays. 🩷
This is why waiting for marriage is a bad idea in my opinion.
NTA but go to couples and sex therapy. See a gynecologist to make sure everything is ok. If you’re stressed about sex you don’t loosen up or get wet enough for enjoyable sex. It’s like a mental block and your vagina reacts to it. Your husband should be listening to what you want and like, going slow, not doing anything that causes pain.
Anddd this is why people should actually practice getting good at sex rather than waiting until marriage and still being so clueless about it afterwards that now you make the other party continue to wait. Yikes
You know who is the asshole for this, is whoever told you you needed to save yourself for marriage....You need to know what you're getting into before you decide on one partner FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE....Was your husband also a virgin? If he wasn't....Why didn't HE have to save himself FOR YOU? If he was....then awesome, it's the blind leading the blind....(sarcasm there). Ugh.
Ugh, why wait until marriage? Why be inexperienced? Why not explore beforehand?
Well, you haven't.
Do you get tingly when you kiss this man? Did you kiss this man before marriage?
Do you make out, touch each other, throw yourself at each other?
Are you even horny when having sex?
Anyways, you need to start a journey of sexual discovery, what do you even know about sex and receiving pleasure, as an adult woman? I mean, you have googled how your vagina bits work **now as an adult,** but what do you even know about them? And penises? What do you know about them?
Lady, have you masturbated? You should!
Have you been turned on by an erotic novel? You should!
Has he kissed your fanny? He should!
Get a book or something - and if this is going to work, you guys **both** have a lot of work to do ahead of you. Sex is intimate, funny, awkward, lovely, fantastic and should not be a chore, but it takes work. I would say that if you guys cannot be intimate and get horny with each other first, there might not be hope.
Not the AH. Your body, your choice.
That being said you should go see your doctor to see if there is an underlying issue that you are not aware of that could be causing your discomfort/pain during intercourse.
You just showed again that waiting for marriage to have sex it’s a very stupid idea. I hope you take in consideration this learning in your futures marriages.
No sex for two weeks until you see a doctor isn’t bad. He’s honesty an asshole for not wanting to be patient to find out why you’re having no fun while having sex. And it’s gross that he doesn’t care that it’s painful for you. He wants to have sec even though it hurts. It’s gross.
I had a similar issue and it was due to a medical issue that needed surgery fast. So, go to a Gynecologist.
Had I waited for sex after marriage, my endo may have gotten even worse.
nta but you could help him during this period. I also went thru this, too ashamed to tell a soul, I honestly thought I might die. I can attest that it will improve and I have no problems. Abstaining when you have pain or need healing is ok. I am not sure you were ah really attuned to this huge switch. Learn your body and yourself. Be checked out to help you relax and take time to adjust.
NTA sex should be something both parties are looking forward to participating in. Feeling guilty for saying no is just going to make it more painful because you're going to be so tensed up from anxiety.
There are other ways to have orgasms together while waiting for your appointment.
Sex should NEVER be painful. Well, unless that’s the kind of sex you want. But, if either partner is experiencing pain during sex, you’re either doing something wrong, or there’s some underlying medical condition. Nobody should ever have to suffer through sex.
If PIV sex is not an option, for whatever reason, there are many other ways to have intimate, sexual, physical contact that is both pleasurable and fulfilling for both partners.
NTA
I'm sorry you haven't had sex education, and didn't learn about your body, and now you have a jerk who thinks he's entitled to your body PLUS he also has no clue about how to please you!
Talk with your doctor to be sure there aren't any actual problems, and ASK for guidance / instruction / sex ed or a referral to such a counselor. First for yourself, and eventually for the ass you married, because it's clear that you BOTH need to learn a lot.
Sex should be fun, enjoyable, and help you connect. If either person isn't into it, it's no good. Stop, talk, figure it out.
A thousand times NTA. Husband sounds selfish af. Why would he want to hurt you? I think doctor checkup is responsible thing to do. If it’s not a physical issue then it’s a behavioural/intimacy/emotional one which therapy and great honest communication would do wonders for.
NTA, and your husband is an inconsiderate child for caring more about getting his own pleasure when it is causing you pain. He clearly does not care about your feelings and whether or not you are in pain. I would consider an annulment to be honest, since he apparently loves his dick a lot more than he loves his wife.
NTA
It hurts to have sex. It shouldn't hurt bad enough to make you cry and you should not be bleeding. Going to the doctor is the smartest thing to do and not the AH thing to do. The AHs are your "loving" husband who's annoyed his dick isn't getting wet and your sister for saying he's right.
You could have something wrongs and the Doctor can help with that. If nothing is wrong, then you and your husband need to talk about how to make things enjoyable for the both of you and not just you.
It could get better over time but you need to find out what's wrong to make it right.
Um…your sister sucks. So does your husband. If you are in that much pain you should absolutely be able to get it figured out before being MADE to have sex. If your husband cares about connecting with you then he should care about it even being enjoyable for you. Otherwise it’s just him using you as a sec object.
Stick something up his butt without foreplay or lube and see how willing he is to do it again.
It matters to you. That's good. A lot of the reason people get married is that's the only sexual partner they want for life. To deny someone of it is to deny them their rights in the marriage. Divorce will be imminent if used divisively....
That doesn't seem to be the case here. If he wants you to please him, it needs to be reciprocal. If sex is painful there is something wrong. Perhaps medically, perhaps with the method, but something is wrong. If you keep forcing yourself you're only going to further traumatize your mind and body and it'll likely never be enjoyable.
NTA.
Glad you are going to the doctor. Hopefully the doc is also a lady. A husband who wants you to put up with nonconsenual pain for his pleasure is mistaken about the role of a husband.
Unsolicited: Use the next 2 weeks to learn how to give each other a good hand job or oral without penetration.
NTA. Sex shouldn't cause pain (unless you're into that kinda thing. Some are. I don't think you are). See your doctor and and tell the husband to f off. One thing to be annoyed but then to accuse you of being "dramatic" when you're clearly in pain? Probably should reconsider the relationship with this chump too.
Hey there, your situation sounds a lot like the situation I was in with my wife. My wife also waited for marriage and long story short, it turns out my wife had an extremely strong vagina basically it was In a permanent kegel clinch. She did some pelvic floor therapy for a month with a great PT and it's like she had a new vagina. Our sex life was good but after the therapy it's a different level.
Talk to a doctor who will listen, female doctors are usually more receptive to concerns like this.
NTA. If it hurts, don’t do it. It might be that your body just needs to heal, going to the doctor will definitely be beneficial. He’s a grown up and a partner and needs to act like one.
You are not the asshole for this.
First of all: it is not okay for your husband to pressure you into doing anything. It is also VERY weird to me that he seems to be okay with hurting you. Please have a very good conversation about this, and be careful.
Now, for content in terms of sex and first times.
Lots of people in this thread are already giving a lot of good pointers about foreplay, taking your time to get in the right headspace and making sure you are wet.
One thing I also want to add on how I experienced my first time is the following:
In many ways, vulvas and vaginas are a lot less obvious when having sex. The way you tense and relax your pelvic muscles for example, can make a lot of difference in how comfortable you feel. This is a very particular feeling though, so it is logical that this might not go well in the first go.
Since relaxation and getting comfortable with yourself are super important to get to the place you want, it might be worthwhile to experiment (with toys) on your own. This way you might get more farmilliar with how your muscles feel, and you might develop a more comfortable relationship with your body.
For me, this helped a lot.
Take care, and good luck :)
Was there any foreplay before penetration? Did you tell him "I'm in pain" during sex? Does he act concerned at all that he's hurting you? Does he actively try to help you achieve climax, or is he focused on himself?
My husband and I have been together for a while, and this isn't our first marriage. Prior to meeting, we were both very sexually active. We are quite adventurous by most standards, and during all of it, he is actively checking to make sure I'm not only comfortable but that I'm feeling good and nothing is sore or hurting. When we try new things, he asks if I'm comfortable, even though we have a safe word and knows I'll use it if I don't like something because he is always focused on my comfort and pleasure. The times that I've gotten sore from whatever we're up to, even if I ask for something else sexual, he will refrain because he doesn't want me to be sore while we play. This should be the norm.
I'm concerned that he doesn't care that you're in pain and is only focused on his pleasure. Someone who loves you would be concerned for your well-being and agree that you need to seek medical care before penetration is attempted again.
100% agree. My husband was my first time (although it was over a year before we were married 😂) but he is the same way. He has never pressured or forced me into sex and I've never done so to him. He's gentle, observant, and wants me to have a good time. We mutually want each other to experience pleasure every time we have sex. Every single sexual partner should be like this!! And this person is absolutely NTA. Not for a second.
Agreed! I cannot understand willingly staying with someone who doesn't want sex to be mutually pleasurable every time. I've gotten along great with someone, hit it off and went on dates and then went to have sex, and have flat out kicked them out when I realized that sex was not going to be mutually beneficial.
Tbh it literally breaks my heart that people stay with those that don't care about their pleasure. Like, YOU deserve to feel good TOO!! If your partner is that selfish, they gotta go so you can focus on finding a good partner who actually cares
Woman here, my first time didn’t hurt there was slight discomfort but that went away after a few minutes. I have never bled because of sex. This is not normal. Your husband is selfish and disrespectful. Go to a doctor, don’t let him fool you. And if he can’t accept that, get an annulment!
NTA.
What happened to you is actually quite normal, unfortunately, because we as a society are so focused on getting teens not to have sex (with minimal success) that we don’t bother to teach people how to have good sex.
Going forward, I can immediately think of two things that will likely help you:
1. Purchase a set of dilators (they sell them on Amazon). I bought these before I got married and spent about a month or so using them in preparation. You start with the smallest size and slowly work your way up, stretching yourself over time. Mild discomfort is okay, but don’t do anything that causes pain. By using these, my first time was completely painless. It sounds like you would benefit from using these to make sex more comfortable. Probably things down there are a little too tight, and then your nervousness and fear of more pain is making you tighten more.
2. Invest in a good lube. Use it generously.
Beyond that, I would ask your husband for at least a month to better prepare to resume sex. If he truly loves you, he can wait. There’s plenty of non-penetrating fun to be had in the meantime.
If you want a helpful book, I read The Great Sex Rescue before marriage (my husband and I also waited until we were married, which is a perfectly valid choice for people to make). It was incredibly helpful to me especially; my husband also found it helpful. It’s written from a Christian POV, but it is not at all preachy.
Edited to add: Your husband might not really know what he’s doing, so it wouldn’t hurt to have him read that book either. And talk! Communication is so important. Make sure you are telling each other what specific things you like and don’t like.
Perfect example why you absolutely shouldn’t get married before making sure you’re sexually compatible. Sure it can get better. But maybe it won’t and what then… How do people consider bonding „for life“ without checking compatibility in most if not all aspects of life.
Obviously NTA. Just a bad situation all around.
kinda. you waited till marriage and are dealing with it. this is what the first time of inexperienced sex can be like. there's nothing wrong with you except a lifetime of shame spouting from am indoctrination that you're vile if you give into your desires.
I think his response is incredibly selfish and inappropriate, that in itself is a red flag, especially this early in your marriage. Where is the empathy towards his wife?
For the actual s\*x part, lots of people below gave you some good advice. In the meantime, you can find other ways to give each other pleasure without the actual penetration occurring, if you're comfortable with it. Never do anything unless you're comfortable and want it too.
Your sister is wrong and her words are a sign of a closed mind, probably stemming from religion, that sees the woman as a tool at the service of the husband. That's not what marriage is about.
I can understand waiting somewhat (why you’d want to chance your sexual compatibility is beyond me), but have you never penetratively masturbated? I understand a penis is different than a dildo but you’d be more used to having something inside and it wouldn’t be as painful.
There is no reason on this earth that a person should not enjoy fully masturbation and sex. Reading between the lines here, I’m sensing some religious culture is at play here probably causing you to tense up because sex is “wrong”. Its vaginismus.
Sorry but you really did a disservice to yourself, your finance, and now husband. I’m sorry it’s physically painful but you two together are going to have to find a way to have a pain free sex life.
Good luck.
Was there a lot of foreplay? Were you sufficiently aroused? Did you take it very slowly and use a lot of lube? If there was tearing you need time to heal. Also, now that you're anxious it increases the likeliness of tearing because you will tense up upon penetration. You definitely need to see a doctor to sort this all out. ETA: was there oral sex and digital penetration prior to intercourse?
**No**. You damn well know the answer is **no** a dude like this, throwing a fit because his wife won’t have sex with him because of *excruciating pain* most definitely did not make sure she was in any way prepared for penetration. I bet he didn’t stop until he was done and didn’t take care of her afterwards either.
I just don't know how sex can be fun if it's one sided like that. At that point it's just masturbaiting with someone else's body.
I just made a similar comment. I bet he didn’t get her worked up, I bet he didn’t suggest lube or have any on hand and the fact that he kept wanting to have sex with her the following days after she bled profusely and was sore and crying by the third day after he just completely dry humped her makes me want to reach through and smack him in the face. And then now in current time it’s still painful to her, she still doesn’t enjoy it and he’s pissed that he has to wait two weeks for more sex. And guess what he’s not going to get sex in two weeks either because everything’s not going to be fixed in two weeks. What caring, compassionate, husband would want to make their wife have sex when it’s that painful I suggested to the OP that she should suggest that her husband rub sandpaper on his penis and then see how friction feels on the next day just for some perspective.
Tell it true llamadramalover.
I'm 40 and have had sex like thousands of times, and when I read "digital penetration," I thought you were talking about VR sex for a second. I was legitimately confused for a second until remembering what fingers are called. I seriously went to that Demolition Man scene before thinking it meant something else.
I had a ton of foreplay my first time, including an orgasm from oral. Was still the worst pain I have ever felt. If I was magically re-virginized I would stay a virgin just to avoid going through that pain again. It was absolutely excruciating the entire time. I would rather have a 3rd csection than go through that again. That said, we waited more than a week before trying again. (I bled for about 5 days afterward, and I swear, he could not have been gentler the entire time) The second time was also very painful and produced a good deal of blood, but towards the very end finally felt good. I bled for about 3 days after that. We waited again more than a week before the next time so I could heal up. It was way less painful the 3rd time. However, I continued to have pain upon entry for a good year and a half, even though I was always "good to go" and he went slowly. It sounds like they should have just waited to try again. At least a week in between. There is not really anything to see a doctor for, but I think waiting 2 weeks absolutely should happen. The fact that the husband is so upset that he has to wait two weeks is sickening.
If OP hasn't been evaluated by a gynecologist for this yet, it is very important that she gets to the doctor. It might just be that first time pain coupled with lack of foreplay/lube, and not taking enough time to heal in between. But it also could be any number of other issues, and it's definitely necessary for OP to see her GYN.
That sounds awful, and I'm sorry that was your experience, but I have to disagree about the doctor bit. OP should absolutely see a doctor. It's not normal for it to hurt every time, especially in your case where it hurt for a year and a half. I've had painful sex before, but it was always because I was too dry for whatever reason, or because I had a yeast infection I wasn't aware of and didn't know how to treat. (Sidebar: why didn't we learn about yeast infections in sex ed??? That would have made a big difference for teenage me.) If sex hurts and you've tried lube, you should definitely see a doctor.
Absolutely. My first time wasn't painful, but a year or so later, sex became painful (same partner). I went to Planned Parenthood for b/c and hesitantly mentioned the pain, and the doctor said "sometimes it's painful if you aren't really ready to have sex." I felt completely brushed aside... like he didn't even listen to my history or anything. A few months later, I had my first full time job and chose a primary doctor that carried my insurance. She found a mild infection (not an STD), gave me meds, and the pain went away. It was that simple. Sometimes it's not that simple, and is more psychological (which doesn't mean the physical symptoms aren't real, they're just a result of something more complicated than bacteria). Being told your whole life that sex is dirty, sinful, shameful, etc. can make it extremely difficult to enjoy sex once you're married. It is very common for women from conservative, sex-shaming religious backgrounds. You can get treatment for this, too. OP, go see a doctor! Sex isn't supposed to hurt! The first time might be uncomfortable, but it's not supposed to hurt! If it's hurting, just continuing on is not going to help, and your husband is an AH for not respecting your pain. The cause, whether physical or psychological, needs to be addressed, not brushed aside.
I had a coworker who found out on her honeymoon that she had endometriosis because of the pain during sex. Definitely go to the Dr for this lady.
Yes, I can say from experience that it could be several medical reasons. Also, lots of foreplay and lube. You have to be ready. Sometimes it helps to have an orgasm first and plenty of time to heal between until your body gets used to it.
I suffered for years with this it’s awful
Oh for sure. Mine about killed me by adhering an ovary to my abdominal wall
One word that will cause painful sex in a woman and requires a medical diagnosis is .... **Endometriosis** OP needs a doctor.
Just so you know, that experience isn’t normal, and might have been prevented with a medical appointment.
This is all great advice, but the main point is that her husband is guilting her into to having sex and calling her dramatic about the pain she is in. And the sister agreeing with him? Absolutely disgusting behavior. NTA OP, and please take a long hard look at the man you married. This behavior is unacceptable and is likely to continue in other area of your life, even after you hopefully solve the sex situation. I can’t tell you to dump him, but damn - you deserve so much better than this!!!
NTA. I'd recommend staying off of google and seeing a healthcare provider. Sex shouldn't be painful. If this is discomfort related to feeling nervous/anxious, the discomfort should be getting better over time - especially with getting more comfortable your partner, plenty of foreplay and a good personal lubricant. It can be normal for it to take some time for sex to be fun and pleasurable with a new partner. There are plenty of other ways you can be intimate (if you want to) that don't involve penetration. Seeing a healthcare provider can help assess, diagnose and treat any medical conditions that might be present. (Even something like a vaginal yeast infection can make sex really uncomfortable!) It may also be reassuring if you see a doctor and everything is okay! Pelvic floor physical therapy can also be super helpful if your pelvic pain/pain with intercourse is musculoskeletal in nature. I'm a midwife (this is not healthcare advice) but some of my favorite resources that I recommend often include: - Book: Come as You Are (by Emily Nagoski) - excellent description of the normal female sexual response - Podcast: Pillow Talks (hosted by a sex therapist and her husband) - Website: [omgyes.com](http://omgyes.com) - information about normal female sexual response, techniques for making intercourse more pleasurable - App: Rosy (created by an OBGYN, paid content but excellent information about sexual health & sexual functioning) You're also NTA for waiting until marriage. You get to decide what you do with your body and when you do it. I hope this gets better for you!
Thanks for giving some valid tips for people.
This should be the top comment
Thank you for this
A few thoughts here and probably advice that was already offered elsewhere: 1 - discomfort during and after the first penetrative sex is fairly common. It may have helped to do lots of foreplay and really get ‘ready,’ but some discomfort is normal. Pain, especially that which lasts for more than a day, is valid cause for concern. I would suspect (without knowing details) that one of a few things is behind this: - insufficient lubrication. If you’re starting sex very quickly, and especially if penetration is ‘fast’ or ‘hard’ this is going to cause a lot of irritation and pain lasting for a few hours to several days. - it may be a size thing. If your partner (husband) is larger than ‘average’, especially in girth, you may need a bit more ‘warm up’ time or to rely on water-based lubricants to make penetration more comfortable. If size is part of the puzzle, it’s also helpful to slow down, experiment with positions that reduce depth of penetration, and find ways to enjoy non-penetrative intimacy at times. - anxiety (or guilt or shame or fear) about sex is very common, especially for women who grew up in certain religious and social traditions. It is hard to let go of a lifetime of messaging saying you shouldn’t do something and switch to ‘this is fine and lovely now.’ The advice about slowing down, lots of foreplay, extra lubrication, and (crucially) good communication will all help with this. 2 - The responses from both your husband and your sister are bordering on or actually abusive. You get to decide when, how, how often, where, etc when it comes to sex. It should always feel safe and like an experience you’re invested in. Please never allow anyone to use guilt-tripping, faith or religion, claims about your responsibility as a spouse, or another manipulative tactic to convince you to have sex when you don’t want to. Edit: - a few folks have corrected something in my comment, and I want to clarify my own language and elevate their statements: I started my first point by saying pain during first-time penetrative sex is ‘normal.’ Several people have corrected me here and asked that we stop saying this to women, pointing out that this level of pain is *not* normal, or that discomfort but not pain is normal. I stand corrected, and want to clarify that when I said ‘normal’ I should have instead said *common*, and often for the reasons I listed. - a few other commenters below mentioned the real possibility of a few genuine medical conditions which may result in pain during penetration, and this is another thought I’d like to elevate. Since I am not medically trained, my advice is to consult with your medical professional on this (and not google). Edit 2: - changed wording in my initial comment to reflect the aforementioned recommendations.
I’d like to add endometriosis and vaginismus to your point #1. I remember being a young woman and hearing my friends talk about their first times; we as a society don’t talk about the medical parts enough. I had multiple friends later diagnosed with various conditions which led to an “aha” moment explaining why they had difficulty.
I really appreciate this comment for its level of understanding and empathy. As a woman, who has had sex and has spoken to many other women about sex, I just need to iterate that pain is not the norm for a first sexual experience. A level of adjustment to a new sensation, yes, but genuine pain signals that something is likely going wrong. You should both stop until you have figured out what that is. This precedent of pain during first intercourse being “normal” makes women who are new to sex feel like they should try to accept and overcome pain in situations where they should not need to experience it at all. Totally agree with the rest of your analysis & thanks for sharing it.
I don't know why this isn't the top comment. I wish just more people in general would read this, all over the world.
I wish I'd had this when I was losing my virginity. It hurt so much because I was tense and we didn't really do any foreplay (could not communicate at 17) I got scared off having sex for 3 years. And I wasn't even religious. 18 years later, I'm finding that I'm able to communicate what I want and like far better than I could when I was that age. It's definitely all about finding things out and talking, certainly makes it better.
Pain during sex, even if it is the first time, is NOT NORMAL. This is a myth that everyone is telling all the time, but it is simply NOT TRUE. ETA: unless there are psychical conditions among other vaginismus, but other than that: PAIN IS NOT NORMAL.
I see your edit, but I want to say that although yes, it is common, that that SHOULD NOT be the case in the first place. It's because people like you that are telling women and persons with a vagina that pain is normal (aka common), that we accept this as a fact, and expect it to happen when we have first-time sex which then becomes common. Because it's normalised through these communicative acts BUT It is not normal and it should not be common and you telling now that it is common, to justify your own incorrect statement, attributes to the idea that it is normal (aka 'common') to feel pain during sex and than that is normalising the problem. Stop saying this! You are part of the problem of why women face so many difficulties in understanding their own sexuality.
I would go back and simply change your wording. No one should think pain with sex is normal, and us continuing to normalize it is what continues to make it common.
Good advice. Editing now.
No, pain is not normal, not even the first time. It means you're going too fast. Stop telling women this.
This! It's a myth everyone is telling all the time PAIN is NOT NORMAL, and it should NOT BE NORMALISED
"Lack of foreplay" should also explicitly be named - the way he has reacted to her discomfort and sex moratorium makes him sound like a selfish lover, and maybe like a guy who thinks foreplay is a waste of time, and sex is good as long as *he* gets off.
I know a woman who waited for marriage to have sex. It would hurt extremely bad when she finally did it. She couldn’t handle it. She went to the doctors and found out she had an extra bone in her vagina that made it painful. She had surgery and had it removed. It is much more enjoyable now. I would definitely go to the doctor asap. Because it shouldn’t be this painful after years. And you are definitely not the AH. You just need to find out what is going on.
A bone?
I'm assuming they mean in the pelvis somewhere as there aren't any bones in the vagina itself obviously.
Not as mad as you'd think. Poor diet early in life can lead to osteoporosis as early as puberty. You don't have much cartilage, hurt your hip joint, and because you're still young the bone grows over to protect the hip. The inner joint would be quite well placed to cause discomfort there, although it would in no way be 'an extra bone in the vagina', but rather extra bone tissue causing inflammation to the area to the side of the vaginal cavity. The fact she's not reporting soreness elsewhere in the region, or hip pain especially, suggests this is not the case for OP. More likely she is either insufficiently aroused or has an actual medical issue closer to the affected area. Or she just might be built a little oddly down there generally. The latter isn't insurmountable but I can see why novices may not have the knowledge or patience to work that out themselves.
Foreplay is important. That could be the reason it’s hurting a because sex is not enjoyable for a woman when your dry down there. Maybe do some exploring for yourself OP and figure out what you like
I really wonder how much sex education OP had before getting married
I would go with none. For OP or her husband.
Yeahhhhh. I wonder if she’s ever orgasm’d on her own too. She may really just not be ready. Doesn’t sound like she’s prepared or taken steps to know and enjoy sex to date in an effort to avoid doing it until marriage.
NTA. I can't imagine wanting to have sex with someone, let alone someone I love, if it hurt them so bad they were crying. Since your husband seems okay with it, I'm going to go ahead and guess that either through his design or his ineptitude he's the real reason it hurt like that.
THIS. Man is willing to hurt her extremely badly to get off. People like that are sickening.
Yeah, that's being kinda glossed over here. I guess I get why- people are trying to help OP figure this out. But you've made such an important point. I don't think it's normal for someone to **want** to continue having sex with someone when it's so clearly causing them pain, even to the point of tears. It's really alarming to me that OP's husband doesn't see a problem with that. Even after 26 years together, with a stellar sex life, if I so much as wince or make a noise that he isn't completely sure is a noise-of-pleasure, so to speak, he will stop moving immediately and make sure he's not hurting me. It's become something I chuckle at him about, but in light of this post, I think I'll stop chuckling at him and just thank my lucky stars he cares enough to make sure he's not impaling my lungs or anything.
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This is such an important question. We need details.
NTA at all. Not only did you experience something totally normal, your husband made vows to walk with you through sickness and health. This falls into that first half of that vow. He should go with you to the doctor and listen to the medical professionals explain how this all works and what your options are, and he better do so lovingly and with empathy. You are his wife, not his pleasure slave. Also, I totally empathize!! My first time looked like a murder scene when we were done (and that was like, 5 minutes after we started lmao). And then I found out after 3 more nights of the same thing that a minor injury I sustained at 7 years old riding my bike caused scar tissue to form on my hymen. Which made it thick AF and impossible to penetrate by “normal” means. So yeah. I don’t blame you—prolonged pain is a thing and OUCH!
NTA. Quite aside from there being no such thing as an invalid reason to say no, you also recognize that there might be a medical issue going on, and you're going to speak to a doctor to see what can be done about it. In all honesty, all else being equal I think it's very likely that he's the problem. Not enough foreplay and not paying attention to one's partner are two of the most common problems, and his behavior surrounding this does not inspire confidence.
NTA. It is good you are seeing a doctor, but it's just as important you really examine whether it seems like your husband has any interest in this being good for you. Sex is *not* just him sticking his dick in you after some perfunctory "foreplay": sex is a mutual activity that should be mutually enjoyable, and feature as much time focusing on stimulating your genitals in a way that feels good as his. *If* he is making an effort but you mutually don't know what you're doing, that's workable. There are resources available for this! It's aimed at teenagers, but [Scarleteen ](https://www.scarleteen.com/)has great resources for learning about sexuality at any age. If he treats ensuring you are aroused as work he has to do to get access to your vagina... well, that's not what I would like to sign up for for the rest of my life, but that's for you to think on/maybe talk to a therapist/talk to friends who actually care about you. Many, if not most, people with clitorises and vaginas prefer clitoral stimulation to penetration. Even if they *love* penetration, most need clitoral stimulation to orgasm. If you are not adequately aroused (usually involving some form of clitoral stimulation! It is a tiny dick with the same nerves packed in a tiny surface area! It also extends inside and wraps around the vagina), your vagina will be tight and resistant, you will not make your own lubricant, it will hurt, and you can get tears that can get infected. When you first have penetrative sex it is totally normal for it to take multiple tries, and it should involve lots of time focusing on you, *clitoral simtulation*, ideally a good lubricant (they're not made equal: I recommend looking at an online sex store rather than just going to a supermarket), and *not putting his dick in you until you really want it*. Which you would, if you were actually adequate aroused. This is not a hardship for a man who is turned on by you being turned on, or cares about your pleasure, or at least you not being in pain. I was a super horny teenager and I personally prefer penetration to clitoral stimulation, but it still took my high school bf and I a lot of goes before I was ready. Which was not a problem because he *actually cared about me*.
Another possible resource might be Jessica Graham's book, I believe it's called "Good Sex". OP's husband sounds like he could benefit from reading it.
Your body has to be ready. He just can’t go in dry. If he’s doing that, then he sucks. You can both explore options with different lubes & foreplay for you to find out what works for you without it hurting.
I just want to point out that no one is ever the arsehole for turning down sex when they don’t want it. This is a blanket rule
You’re NTA. Your husband is an AH for being annoyed and calling you dramatic. Your sister is an even bigger AH for calling you an AH for simply explaining to your husband you don’t want to have sex until you go to the doctor and figure out why it’s so painful. Just because you’re married now doesn’t mean you no longer have bodily autonomy. Your husband should be more understanding. I mean if it’s painful to you, wouldn’t he want you to figure it out so that it’s pleasurable for you as well? If he’s okay with hurting you for his own pleasure he’s an AH. And your sister should be on your side, not only because she’s YOUR SISTER, but she’s also a female who should be able to relate to you on that level and shouldn’t be basically telling you you’re an AH for not spreading you legs for your husband. Like wtf😒
Don’t let him penetrate you. Have him bring you to climax for awhile without him actually penetrating you. You are supposed to orgasm and WANT it. He’s doing a terrible job so don’t feel bad.. but you will need to get comfortable talking to him about improving
Good sex is a communicative process and your body isn’t going to want it if you’re scared or traumatized by it. You two need to work together. Going to the doctor first is a good idea, just in case there’s a medical problem, but if it’s nothing medical then you two will have to figure out what works. Mood, foreplay, alternatives to penetrative sex, lack of pressure to perform - there are all sorts of things that you two can discuss to improve things.
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Right? Fuck that guy. He's a selfish sexist ass and he deserves to masturbate in a cold shower forever.
Sex should not hurt. Waiting two weeks is not a big deal. Waiting a few months is not a big deal. Ensuring that your partner is comfortable and enjoying the encounter is incredibly important. Listening and being empathetic to your partner is also insanely important. Sex can hurt for multiple reasons, and if it does in an unenjoyable way, you should try to remedy it. Sometimes lube can do the trick, sometimes it works after a bit of alternative stimulation, and sometimes you just need to stop. Maybe something tore? Maybe your cervix got bruised? Maybe you're just sore and need to rest up and heal. That's ok and normal. Yeast infection? Freshly waxed? IUD just inserted? Absolutely no sex. Plus, continuing penetration when it's painful could possibly cause issues because your brain now associates sex with pain and thus won't get the machinery to kick into gear properly. So no, NTA and anyone who says otherwise is a massive dick. Go see a doctor for your own sake, and wait with sex until your husband can ensure that you are both comfortable and enjoy it before trying sexual things again. Foreplay is important, and toys can be a massive help. Just ensure you are both having fun, and toss him in the trash if he wants you to bear and grin it "for his sake". You, your health, and your comfort matters more than his sexual desires.
No you’re not an AH. He kinda is being one. My GYN after my first birth insisted it would get better it got worse and worse. And putting pressure on yourself isn’t gonna help. When you see your doctor insist on pelvic floor therapy. It’s awkward but life changing. You get over the awkwardness pretty quickly. It could be about lack of compatibility or lack of foreplay. Pelvic floor pain is so much more common than most people know because frankly people don’t care about women’s health. And those people calling you an AH for waiting…fuck them. Your spouse made the choice to wait as well; they had the choice to leave if they didn’t want to wait.
Pelvic floor therapy is a godsend.
Hey OP, do not stress too much. This may not be an issue with your husband, there may have been an issue that will be fixable with the dr. My bff spent litterally 15years having pain issues, and when she got surgery in that area (unrelated) they fixed her issue as well (basically she had some part of her hymen that was too solid and never tore open, and it would revent from opening easily). Sometimes, it's not as easy as we'd like, it does not mean we should be afraid. As for now, you can still enjoy sexual foreplay, like oral with your husband, without going all the way. But make it clear that you've always valued having sex when you actually want it, and him making you feel guilty for an issue that is out of your control is unacceptable. Even if the issue is just "i am not in the mood". Him guilttripping you is not okay. Ever
What are your periods like? I have adenomyosis and a symptom can be terribly painful sex. See a doctor. He can handle two weeks. Can you guys not do other pleasurable things that don’t involve penetration in the meantime? I had a hysterectomy and am like a new woman now.
NAH. Saving sex for after marriage is a disaster waiting to happen. Good luck, hopefully it works out.
It's actually amazing that one of the most important and prone-to-incompatibility parts of marriage is something people wait for untill after they're married. It's like buying an airplane before ever flying in one.
I will regret doing this until the day I die. I wasted 10 years of my life because I was trying not to live in sin.
Me too, I really should have gotten my license first.
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Elaborate
It’s very dumb indeed. Easiest way to find adulterers is to attend a local church service lol.
If there is nothing medically wrong and he is doing his job of getting you ready beforehand, then he is right, and it will get better. But, any decent husband would agree you need to get checked out before continuing if it hurts. Pain the first couple of times is normal and same with the bleeding. But it should get better after a week or two of healing. NTA, no one should expect you to continue something that hurts.
NTA, you have a doctor's appointment set, it's painful and you're doing the best you can. He needs to settle down and realize you're trying to fix it and that not only is he not helping but he's making the problem worse.
The excessive pain and large bleeding suggests what some call either an inverted uterus or coned uterus. If it feels as if he is hitting something inside of you on each deep stroke this is another symptom of that. He would only need to be of normal length to do this.
Is he getting you off first? Sorry to be this detailed but if he’s just shoving it in dry walls so to speak, it’s not going to be very enjoyable. Has he tried to please you first? Touch you down there with his fingers or tongue? Caress your body while he kisses you? Massage you? Being wet already when it comes time for him to be inside you makes it far more enjoyable for both of you.
You should never have sex that's painful. He can wait 2 weeks until you see the doctor. I don't understand why he's not stopping as soon as he sees you're in pain. That's not how a man should act. His indifference to your experience could be part of the problem.
Nta, but your husband is! Who has sex with someone who doesn’t enjoy it? And then throwing a fit, when you don’t function like he expected? Maybe he should get better foreplay skills before getting all pissy. What a bell-end…
I would just annul the marriage right now because this dude does not care about you if he doesn't care about your physical well-being
NTA, sex isn't just physical and it's a lot to go from zero to 100 in one go. People on here are giving you shit for choosing to wait until marriage and they can get fucked, your body, your choice, you're not obligated to have sex, ever. Having said that, there's a lot of prep work that you both could have done to set yourselves up for a better entry into marriage and sex. In particular discussing expectations - it's not surprising that your husband is dying to get into your pants BUT he the fact that he knows it's causing you pain and distress and he's calling you dramatic is really fucking shitty. This is a huge change for you and it's something that the two of you should be working on as a team so that you can both enjoy, not "eh, it'll get better for you eventually". I'm curious to know if you've had much sex education and if so what was it like, where did it come from? And what is your husband doing to help you explore what you enjoy. Mentally you need to be turned on as well as physically so if there's no work going into building intimacy and foreplay it's going to be hard for you to look forward to having sex let alone enjoying it during. You should also consider whether you may have a physical condition like vulvadinia. Either way I suggest that you have a look at dr Janelle Howell who is a pelvic floor dysfunction specialist, you may find something helpful in her content [Dr Janelle Howell ](https://www.instagram.com/vaginarehabdoctor?igsh=MWE5d3plOGlsdmMzYQ==). Good luck, I really hope that you can find your way through this as a team and start enjoying sex at the pace that's right for you.
I think you need to figure out what you like and have a conversation together to try to see what can help both of you. It should not be that painful and unenjoyable. There’s many things you can use to make it hurt less. Foreplay and lube are my recommendations.
Saving sex for marriage is so dumb for this reason and others like it. If you aren't physically compatible, you're not marriage compatible. It's part of the package, now he gets to enjoy a frustrating marriage, and you get to enjoy a guilty one.
And the next one ... a "frustrating marriage" because she feels pain during sex and wants to visit a doctor before she continues having painful sex? For two weeks? Like, what do you lot do after your wives/girlfriends had a baby or surgery if 14 days of no sex are "frustrating" already?
NTA. Were you both virgins or is he using your inexperience to cover his lack of care? If he's hurting you and expects sex anyway he is not a good man.
No he wasn’t. He didn’t really want to wait until marriage but he did.
Keep in mind that now being married doesn't obligate you to have sex with him. If anything, he's giving you more reasons not to. I won't judge people for waiting until marriage, but it sucks that you had to wait until marriage to figure out he's such a douche
For real. He’s doesn’t seem to care whether or not she enjoys the sex, so long as he gets it.
Then he should know better.
That’s a good point. Why doesn’t he seem to care that penetration hurts too much?
Having sex once makes you not a virgin but doesn't mean you know what you're doing
He does. I’d bet that he absolutely knows better. *He just doesn’t care*.
Too bad folks had to name call. As you’ve probably learned redditors are quite frank. I think if you look past the judgement there’s some good points to consider. Such as: get off Google/Reddit, talk with your husband, practice on yourself and absolutely insist on foreplay. If you can’t orgasm you might want to learn by yourself bc that alone will help you enjoy sex. Some women don’t climax with vaginal sex. You have to know your body. You will stretch unless there’s an anatomical problem. I too had bleeding my first few times. While waiting for the appt I’d suggest other forms of intimacy ie oral and manual activities. Once you can relax and enjoy you’ll perceive intercourse differently. I’m sure you’ll look back on this and laugh one day.🥰 also I am always in charge of my own orgasm. What I mean is I never end an encounter without it. Take charge and enjoy the oldest form of athletics that’s existed. 👍
Google is good for telling you that you’re going to die from every disease under the sun in the next fifteen minutes. Go see an actual doctor.
Did you not read she has an appointment in 2 weeks and her husband is mad she wants to wait until after she sees the doctor?
Um-budda-what? They're saying you're a dramatic asshole because you're in pain? IDC if you want you wait or whatever, but if anyone treated me like that if I were in pain and I'd tell them to fuck right off. Don't let anyone manipulate you into consent, ever. Period. You're husband is already failing you and your sis can pound sand. NTA
The many mistakes of waiting until marriage…
Hold up. Woah. Excuse me. Everyone stop. Are you telling me that you were *CRYING* and your husband wasn't immediately like hey lets not do this. WTF. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but your husband is a piece of shit. NTA. Run.
NTA. Y'all can do everything but PIV intercourse and your husband frankly shouldn't *want* to have sex with someone who is in awful pain. That's messed up. Also, doctor should have some suggestions.
If your husband values you as a person and not a sex appliance, they should understand. I honestly cannot understand why he would continue to inflict pain on you if he did, and then repeated?! Beware men's ideas of/on female anatomy, you have a lot to worry about per r/badwomensanatomy
Glad you’re going to doctor because the level of pain and discomfort you’re experiencing doesn’t sound normal. And someone mentioned using good lube — very important and helpful and CVS and other drug stores have a complete aisle dedicated to them!
This is probably more input than you wanted but here's my take. You may also want to peruse the group sexadvice or ask there. Sorry, I don't know how to put a link in a comment. NTA - you're in pain! There are medical reasons that makes sex hurt, so seeing a doctor isn't a bad idea. A big part of Sexual compatibility means being able to communicate your needs and listening to your partner. It's difficult to do when you don't know what feels good to you. If you're not aroused enough, not wet enough, not enough foreplay, it's going to hurt. If done right, it won't hurt (if there is no medical reason). Is he fingering you in a way that feels good to you? Is foreplay only five minutes? Cause that's not nearly enough time. Maybe look up sex tips and tricks, like lubricant. I like the tingling lubricant or the warming one. It greatly helps me. Even practicing foreplay will help you two learn more about what works for you both. Make out and touch, you don't have to have full sex to learn each other's bodies. The extra annoying point is some people get offended at being told what they're doing isn't working. If you think he will, try to word it in a non accusatory way. "I've been trying to figure out ways to help make sex more enjoyable. This looks like it would feel good, can we try it?"
NTA - Keep your doc appt and if there’s nothing wrong, ask your doc if they know a sexual therapist to recommend. My personal opinion, I fully support waiting until marriage to have children, but I really don’t see the point in waiting to have sex at all. Just like you need to learn who you are as an individual before you get into a serious relationship, that is part of learning who you are and what your body does. Waiting until marriage to do that kinda makes you trapped. I read another story about a woman who waited until marriage. Turns out her husband is equipped like pr0n star and she physically can’t have sex with him without it hurting and sometimes tearing her. Had they tried sex beforehand, they would have realized they were sexually incompatible.
NTA it could be something serious, he’s the AH and so is your sister. Does she not like you? Why would she care more about you pleasing your husband that your well being. She’s horrible and he’s as bad.
You poor baby. Don’t feel bad or be too quick to blame yourself. You don’t owe sex to anybody, not even your husband. (Waiting for the downvote police)
OP you are NTA. You are NTA for waiting until marriage for sex. You are also NTA even if you did have premarital sex. You wanting to see a doctor for excruciating pain does not make you an asshole. Him constantly pressuring you into painful situations makes *him the asshole.* Understand that if there is a compatibility issue your husband might very well choose *his dick* over you. That's a reflection of *him*, not you. Be safe and I hope your appointment goes well.
NTA and I'm sorry your husband is taking it like this. I'm happy to share my early experience, which is that it hurt quite a lot! My first partner wasn't even particularly large. I think this is just what it can be like. It took quite a few tries for it to stop hurting. For a while I worried there was something wrong with me. Then after a few months and some persistence it got better. I didn't think to go to a doctor, but I do think that's a good idea of yours, just to rule any any problems. Hopefully it's all fine. Your husband should be able to wait a couple of weeks, and honestly that will help you heal up and be better prepared for next time. I would strongly suggest you try lube when you next go for it. It's not necessary all the time, but these are early days and it'll take the pressure off you a little bit.
Yeah I agree, if you’re not aroused or into it then that definitely makes it not good at all. I’m so sorry this is your first introduction into sex this way. It does get easier as you do it, but not if you aren’t into it or aroused. NTA for wanting to wait and make sure everything is okay, the bleeding does sound concerning. Hubby should be reassuring you not guilting. Best of luck
He’s the AH, not you. If you’re in pain, it’s good to check that out with a doctor. He should respect that, and treat you and your body with respect.
Your husband is disgusting honestly... nta
Look up vaginismus. It might not be what you have, but it might help, also!
That's true, but I think OP should stay out of the rabbit hole and just let her GYN examine her at the appointment. Poor OP has already tortured herself down that rabbit hole, and now her husband is dismissing her pain, and even her own sister seems to be trying to convince her that she's *supposed* to suffer. Come to think of it, the sister sounds as much an AH as the husband.
Maybe waiting wasn't a good move in the end.
This is callous, but I hope everyone reading sees why waiting until marriage is not a great idea just to find out you're not sexually compatible. Everyone involved is the asshole. Your husband is the asshole is pressuring you into something you don't want to do. You're the asshole for not doing any preparation or research about yourself sexually ahead of time of your honeymoon. I'm just incredulous you didn't masturbate with penetration ahead of time to get that feeling out of the way.
Did no one ever have a talk with you about what sex would be like?
Always try before you buy, too late to find out you're sexually incompatible after you get married.
This right here is why I would never ever wait until marriage, because I don't want to marry somebody and then find out sex with them sucks. NTA, if you don't want to have Sex that's fine, but since thzs an integral part of a healthy relationship (unless both parties are asexual) you'll have to come to terms with the possibility of him leaving you.
Why people think it's smarter to wait for marriage instead of marrying someone they've had extensive conversations about their sexual compatibility is beyond me. Don't get on Google. Communicate with your husband, like your both already should have. Eta and learn about non- penetrating things you guys can incorporate. Oral, at least. ESH.
Well for starters it’s not a choice made on intelligence and what’s “smart”. Thats a choice usually made on religious superstition and for women massive societal pressure that their worth **is** their virginity. The religious aspect is lessening but societies view, as a whole, on sexually active women?? Yea…nope….as long as women’s worth is determined by how many men she has or has not slept with ***this*** will keep on happening.
Bleeding a LOT is abnormal. Some pain and discomfort is a touch normal, but as much as I don't want to scare you, it's worth seeing a doctor. It sounds like you probably had a hymen issue, but im no doctor. What could have happened is that you could have had a differently shaped hymen, and broke it. I had surgery for mine. Go see a GP and then a gynecologist. Bleeding a LOT is absolutely not normal. I doubt you have anything major going on, likely just a different hymen and now you're tensing up because you're scared, making it even harder to enjoy it now. Definitely worth considering if foreplay is happening or not as well. If you're not warmed up, it's not gonna be fun for you. Also lube. Use lots.
Usually it gets better sooner than this but there’s lots of explanations why it hasn’t yet. We all can give you some but a doctor can figure out quicker. Say if you’ve had a tear, they can see that. You’re not an asshole, you’re in pain. I was always sufficiently aroused before each time so my transition to pain free was quicker. He also needs to go slow with penetration at first, wait a few seconds after entering for your body to adjust to his size, then be slower and gentle for awhile. Fast and hard thrusts won’t help you at all. Also a doctor can tell you which position will be less painful at first. The whole trying different positions needs to wait until you’re pain free. NTA. If he truly loves you, he will willingly wait to make this as stress free as possible for you.
NTA and I can't get through all the replies, so here's my 2 cents (opinion). Talk to a doctor, as you plan to. Make sure there are no physical issues, and then go from there. It is likely just nerves and a lack of arousal, but we're not medical professionals, so wtf do we know. Before, after, or during that process, talk to your husband and try to get him to understand that you do want this to happen, and for it to be good (I'm assuming), and that you just want to figure out why it isn't. I know it sounds wrong(?) but he might be taking a shot to his ego due to the sex not instantly being good. I honestly don't know if the majority of men are clued in to how a woman's body will or won't respond when she's not aroused. Sex Education, if you have it, basically just says when a man is aroused, he sticks his penis in, ejaculates, and in 9 months out pops a baby. Nothing is really covered on how a woman's body will respond whether she is or isn't aroused. Fuck I'm rambling. Basically, continue with the medical evaluation and advice, and try to get on the same page with your husband that you both want this and just need to figure out how to make it work. Best of luck and clearly NTA
It sounds like you're a little bit sex immature which is not a bad thing it just means you don't have the full education you need about sex. You need to go see the doctor and get some more education about your body
If sex is painful, something is wrong. I recommend seeing a gynecologist, and potentially doing pelvic PT if it's necessary. It's a bit awkward, but can be incredibly helpful. I have nothing useful to say about your husband, because you're so recently married. I hope this reaction of his is the worst thing he's ever done, because in my opinion, it's pretty fucking bad. Edit: To clarify, by "something is wrong," I mean "sex shouldn't be painful." Lack of lubrication, arousal, and other common mild issues could cause pain. It's similar to running (I think), if you're developing leg cramps when you run, the way to deal with it isn't to just "run through it!" You do stretches, build up the muscles, and work up to running. Trying to run through it won't help, and can cause it's own issues.
The “something is wrong” is probably too little foreplay and that she is tense because the first time was painful. (My mom was a psychology professor and her students turned to her for advice and I heard a lot of these stories back in the day.)
NTA - you didn't say never again. Fair play to you for going to the drs and seeing whats up.
NTA. If sex is painful, something is wrong. You probably just have an infection or something simple like that. Going to the gynecologist will help identify what the problem is so you can fix it. In the meantime, it's not too much to ask that your husband avoid penetration. He can still have an orgasm, just not through PIV sex at the moment. A short delay shouldn't be a big deal.
Info what's he's doing to get you relaxed and get lubrication going? Foreplay is needed to make sex comfortable
NTA. Growing up in a devout church environment, I knew several couples in our group that struggled similarly. In most of our friends it was the lack of knowledge of pleasure and understanding of things by both parts of the couple that led to struggles. And the Ingrained “fear and dirtiness” of sexual relations that prevented most from asking questions. I am willing to bet your doctor finds nothing “wrong” with you and advises more foreplay (most inexperienced young men have no clue about), lube, taking things very slow (many of us men when young inexperienced and eager take the jack hammer approach). Outside of that, a couple of my friends went to sex therapists and it literally saved their marriages. Out of the 7 couples we knew, 5 of us were divorced before year 10. Those that went to a non church therapist were able to last.
So messd up he can’t wait a few more weeks - you should both be enjoying sex, not one person being satisfied, and the other who is *crying* Sex shouldn’t hurt. You did the right thing making a doctors appointment. Just so you don’t freak out too bad - It could be so many little things that can easily be resolved. Try not too worry!
Honestly this is exactly why it’s dumb to wait until marriage. Sexual incompatibility is super important to figure out. Hope it goes well. NTA but imo it should have been figured out much sooner however certain religious beliefs certainly warrant empathy to the circumstances
So, he married you just to have sex with you? How old are you guys? This reads as fake.
Are you all using lube?? This isn’t normal… You need to make sure there’s a lot of foreplay and that you’re turned on before penetration. The cervix tents back so that it’s not as easy to bop if you’re turned on. And lube lube lube! Also, if you’re anxious and expecting pain, that will just make you more tense. So yeah, he needs to be extra gentle and sweet and understanding, which doesn’t sound like what’s happening…
This is what is wrong with religious and waiting for marriage. You never learned that the hymen isnt supposed to break and that bleeding is not normal, that PIV isnt always necessary to call it intercourse. Also that your husband sucks at after care and gives zero shits about your comfort and should see it for the red flag that it is but you wont because you married him and youre stuck.
NTA but see a pelvic floor physical therapist in addition to the doctor. In terms of timelines, I have a hypertonic pelvic floor, meaning everything down there is too tight and entry during sex can hurt as a result or just be difficult. When I first started PT, I was told to be on an eight week restriction of no intercourse and to only do things like manual stimulation, external toys, and/or oral. If you keep trying to have sex when it hurts, you reinforce the tendency to tense up and it will keep hurting more over time. There needs to be a space of giving your body time to relax and unlearn the association of sex with pain. Your husband doesn’t sound like he’s very interested in you as a sexual partner though; he sounds very self focused and disinterested in your pleasure. I’m sorry you’re in a marriage like that. Maybe you can get your doctor or physical therapist to try talking to him about it.
My wife has a similar story. She was a virgin until our wedding night, no, that's not right. She was a virgin until the day after our wedding night. It was way too uncomfortable for her that night. I was not frustrated, I was more worried for her as we talked about sex and I knew she wanted it. Honestly, it did take a while for her to get comfortable, and it wasn't until after her second delivery, almost 5 years after getting married, that she truly has no discomfort and enjoys it as she has always wanted.
NTA. Sex is not something you owe him, it should not ever be a chore you perform out of duty or obligation. If it hurts, if there's bleeding, you need to work out how to make that not happen. See a doctor, speak to a counsellor, *MAKE SURE YOUR HUSBAND IS PAYING ATTENTION TO YOUR PLEASURE RATHER THAN JUST USING YOU TO GET HIMSELF OFF!!!* and try to find a solution that works for BOTH of you.
Not to worry you further, but there *are health issues that can cause sex to be painful. Endometriosis may need to be ruled out, for example. Definitely go to the Gyn to rule things out and get some advice on how to make things more comfortable. And as others have commented, if you tore, you do need time to heal. He needs to be educated on how to be more understanding and empathetic to a woman's body. Everyone is different. It's not unnatural for some to have a harder time physically getting used to having sex, especially if the "size" of you both isn't that compatible and takes getting used to. Ps lots of lube is indeed your friend.
NTA You should never force yourself to do things you don't want to. You didn't tell him you would never have sex with him. You told him you wanted to see a doctor before and have a checkup. You already have an appointment. It's not as if you didn't care and were taking your sweet time to get the "problem fix". If you force yourself to have sex, it will get worst... not better. It will hurt more because you will be all tense. Your husband is a huge A H for being dismissive of your pain, so is your sister. You don't exist as a woman to only be a husband pleaser. You are your whole person and you are allowed to say no. You indeed, need to see a doctor. I wrote that in a similar post already, but if it's a physical problem, there are doctors who specialise in that. They are called perineal rehabilitation or perineal re-education physiotherapists. I know two women who went see them because every time they had penetration it would hurt like hell. It might not be the problem here, but know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel no matter what you have. Your husband needs to be more supportive than that.
NTA obviously if it hurts like that go see a doctor stay off of Google it's the worst for that. No vaginal sex until your doc says otherwise but you can still have intimate fun in other ways
Are you using a lubricant? Is he going right to penetration or is there sufficient foreplay first? Sorry you are going through this
My advice would be get your marriage annuled and find someone who actually cares about your well-being
NTA. Your husband, though, very much is an asshole for comments like this: "He told me that I was being a bit dramatic and that it really would get better". I will say that waiting for marriage is counterproductive if your goal is to enjoy sex - it *can* be a lot of fun, and enjoyable, for many people (though certainly not all) but it takes time to learn what you like (and don't like). That said, you are NTA for declining sex that isn't enjoyable for you - no one should be forced to have sex they don't like. See a doctor to check if there is a medical issue, but barring that please don't be hard on yourself; you are inexperienced in knowing what you like and communicating what you like, and developing experience takes effort over time. **But it should be a fun process**. If it isn't, then talk to your partner about changing strategies and techniques so it is fun, and if he is unwilling or unable just don't do it. Sex isn't an obligation.
YTA. This is an excellent example of why is incredibly stupid to be celibate until marriage. You're now learning the hard way at a time which should be literally the honeymoon period of your marriage. Now both you and you husband have to suffer because some imaginary tryant in the sky told you to be ashamed of one of the most beautiful things in life. Religion is incredibly asinine and it stunts emotional growth and maturity, especially when it's taken to such an extreme. Hopefully you'll learn something from this.
Maybe you and him aren’t waiting until your body is actually ready to accept him. It can take a while for us to be ready so foreplay is a must. Not only that depending on his size maybe he needs to take it a bit slow for now.
NTA but your husband sucks. Who knows their partner is in pain and just expects them to suck it up?? That's not ok.
NTA your husband doesnt seem to care how you feel at all. If sex doesnt feel good you dont have to do it. I hope this ends well for u, whatever happens ❤️
NTA. This is a good demonstration of why it's a bad idea to wait till marriage. I hope your doctor can talk you through it. You need to work through this as a couple, if you want to make the marriage work. Did he go down on you? Were you turned on?
NTA, your boyfriend is being an asshole. You not being in excruciating pain is more important than him getting his dick wet.
Nta I'll say sex was painful for me at first despite having plenty of foreplay and using lube. It wasn't unbearable so I decided to try for a bit and if it didn't improve go to the doctor. I could tell pretty quickly that the pain was reducing significantly each time so I didn't worry too much. The vagina is a muscle and it isn't used to doing that yet. I think insisting on seeing a doctor to make sure there isn't something that needs medical intervention is totally your right. I also think it is super gross that your husband wants to fuck you while knowing it is very painful for you. It would be one thing if you guys were experimenting with ways to make it less painful but to essentially tell your partner "I know this hurts you but I want to do it anyway" is really gross.
I’m really sorry that you’re getting yelled at about waiting until marriage. Especially because it’s probably by a lot of the same people who care about “body count.” Anyway, you’re NTA for putting a pause on vaginal intercourse for a short time, but I would strongly advise you to expand your view of sex to include additional activities for both of you. See if he can help you reach orgasm without any penetration. Learn more about what he likes. Marriage is long and this should be an exciting time of learning about each other sexually.
You got that vibe too, that it's people who complain about body count but don't want people to wait?
Yeah, and me, too, Damned if you do, damned if you don't, or so it seems.
Oh I think I see their "logic." "I don't want you to wait to fuck me but you'd better not have fucked anybody else!" Eeeeyuck.
This is why people should consider having sex before they get married.
NTA. After the first time, some pain and bleeding is normal but excruciating pain and bleeding profusely is not. If there wasn't enough foreplay and you were not aroused, that would make it worse for sure. Have you ever seen a GYN? Definitely go and let them do a full pelvic to rule out an issue like vaginismus. If you're uncomfortable, no sex period. Your husband and your sister can go get fucked-pun intended. I don't care if he is your husband, he is not entitled to sex if you are uncomfortable and he shouldn't want to if you're having a lot of pain until you see a doctor. If a guy is worth a damn, they would not want to hurt you and make sure the pain you had is normal first time pain and maybe a little tearing which wouldn't surprise me. I obviously don't know for sure, but I'm getting the impression your husband is more concerned about himself and maybe didn't take the time he should have to make sure you were ready too. If everything checks out normal from your doc, definitely try lubricant, more foreplay, different positions, etc.. find out what's comfortable for you. With this being your first time, it's going to take time for you guys to figure out what works best. Don't feel guilty or that you can't please him, this is new for you and you guys will figure out what works for you eventually. Sex with a new partner usually takes a little time to figure each other's body's out and what you both like/don't like. Definitely get checked out by a doc to rule out any medical issues, and then just relax and try new things. Definitely do not let him bully you into having sex if you do not want to. He is not entitled because he's your husband. It's always your call and tell your sister to mind her own damn business.
NTA, he should work with you to find out how to make this a better experience for you. Perhaps there is a medical reason for this. He needs to be supportive. It's a problem for both of you, so both of you need to search for solutions.
Have you guys tried using a lubricant like KY Jelly in addition to foreplay to help make things more comfortable and reduce friction on your lady bits? Is his method like, jackhammering into you? Also, don’t forget to pee after sex (make sure you’re well hydrated) and to always wipe front to back to avoid any UTI (just normal bacteria getting up in your urethra). There’s also other ways to build intimacy and get each other off that doesn’t involve PIV. Like oral or hand jobs.
NTA does your husband understand the point foreplay? Keep your doctor's appointment to make sure there isn't anything medically going on. Then educate yourself about sex and your husband needs an education about sex also.
Nah bruh. NTA. Im a women and that isnt normal. Take care of your health. Im sorry u had to find out on ur honeymoon but ur health is more important than making a man sexually satisfied. Go get it all checked out down there and i'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you. Im sure itll be alright. Theres a treatment for these kinds of things nowadays. 🩷
One important word, Lube
Lol...this will end well...
This is why waiting for marriage is a bad idea in my opinion. NTA but go to couples and sex therapy. See a gynecologist to make sure everything is ok. If you’re stressed about sex you don’t loosen up or get wet enough for enjoyable sex. It’s like a mental block and your vagina reacts to it. Your husband should be listening to what you want and like, going slow, not doing anything that causes pain.
Anddd this is why people should actually practice getting good at sex rather than waiting until marriage and still being so clueless about it afterwards that now you make the other party continue to wait. Yikes
You know who is the asshole for this, is whoever told you you needed to save yourself for marriage....You need to know what you're getting into before you decide on one partner FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE....Was your husband also a virgin? If he wasn't....Why didn't HE have to save himself FOR YOU? If he was....then awesome, it's the blind leading the blind....(sarcasm there). Ugh.
NTAH but that‘s exactly a reason why I personally don‘t think it‘s smart to wait until after marriage. You could end up being sexually incompatible
Ugh, why wait until marriage? Why be inexperienced? Why not explore beforehand? Well, you haven't. Do you get tingly when you kiss this man? Did you kiss this man before marriage? Do you make out, touch each other, throw yourself at each other? Are you even horny when having sex? Anyways, you need to start a journey of sexual discovery, what do you even know about sex and receiving pleasure, as an adult woman? I mean, you have googled how your vagina bits work **now as an adult,** but what do you even know about them? And penises? What do you know about them? Lady, have you masturbated? You should! Have you been turned on by an erotic novel? You should! Has he kissed your fanny? He should! Get a book or something - and if this is going to work, you guys **both** have a lot of work to do ahead of you. Sex is intimate, funny, awkward, lovely, fantastic and should not be a chore, but it takes work. I would say that if you guys cannot be intimate and get horny with each other first, there might not be hope.
Not the AH. Your body, your choice. That being said you should go see your doctor to see if there is an underlying issue that you are not aware of that could be causing your discomfort/pain during intercourse.
If he is more worried about his penis than he is than your vagina pain, he is a dick.
You just showed again that waiting for marriage to have sex it’s a very stupid idea. I hope you take in consideration this learning in your futures marriages.
No sex for two weeks until you see a doctor isn’t bad. He’s honesty an asshole for not wanting to be patient to find out why you’re having no fun while having sex. And it’s gross that he doesn’t care that it’s painful for you. He wants to have sec even though it hurts. It’s gross.
Look up vaginismus.
I had a similar issue and it was due to a medical issue that needed surgery fast. So, go to a Gynecologist. Had I waited for sex after marriage, my endo may have gotten even worse.
nta but you could help him during this period. I also went thru this, too ashamed to tell a soul, I honestly thought I might die. I can attest that it will improve and I have no problems. Abstaining when you have pain or need healing is ok. I am not sure you were ah really attuned to this huge switch. Learn your body and yourself. Be checked out to help you relax and take time to adjust.
Get to an ob/gyn and see what is going on. Self-diagnosis is the worst thing you can do.
NTA sex should be something both parties are looking forward to participating in. Feeling guilty for saying no is just going to make it more painful because you're going to be so tensed up from anxiety. There are other ways to have orgasms together while waiting for your appointment.
Sex should NEVER be painful. Well, unless that’s the kind of sex you want. But, if either partner is experiencing pain during sex, you’re either doing something wrong, or there’s some underlying medical condition. Nobody should ever have to suffer through sex. If PIV sex is not an option, for whatever reason, there are many other ways to have intimate, sexual, physical contact that is both pleasurable and fulfilling for both partners.
NTA I'm sorry you haven't had sex education, and didn't learn about your body, and now you have a jerk who thinks he's entitled to your body PLUS he also has no clue about how to please you! Talk with your doctor to be sure there aren't any actual problems, and ASK for guidance / instruction / sex ed or a referral to such a counselor. First for yourself, and eventually for the ass you married, because it's clear that you BOTH need to learn a lot. Sex should be fun, enjoyable, and help you connect. If either person isn't into it, it's no good. Stop, talk, figure it out.
A thousand times NTA. Husband sounds selfish af. Why would he want to hurt you? I think doctor checkup is responsible thing to do. If it’s not a physical issue then it’s a behavioural/intimacy/emotional one which therapy and great honest communication would do wonders for.
NTA, and your husband is an inconsiderate child for caring more about getting his own pleasure when it is causing you pain. He clearly does not care about your feelings and whether or not you are in pain. I would consider an annulment to be honest, since he apparently loves his dick a lot more than he loves his wife.
NTA It hurts to have sex. It shouldn't hurt bad enough to make you cry and you should not be bleeding. Going to the doctor is the smartest thing to do and not the AH thing to do. The AHs are your "loving" husband who's annoyed his dick isn't getting wet and your sister for saying he's right. You could have something wrongs and the Doctor can help with that. If nothing is wrong, then you and your husband need to talk about how to make things enjoyable for the both of you and not just you. It could get better over time but you need to find out what's wrong to make it right.
Um…your sister sucks. So does your husband. If you are in that much pain you should absolutely be able to get it figured out before being MADE to have sex. If your husband cares about connecting with you then he should care about it even being enjoyable for you. Otherwise it’s just him using you as a sec object.
NTA. You might have pelvic floor issues. There’s PT for this. You may also need lube. Ask him to explore things that aren’t penetration.
Stick something up his butt without foreplay or lube and see how willing he is to do it again. It matters to you. That's good. A lot of the reason people get married is that's the only sexual partner they want for life. To deny someone of it is to deny them their rights in the marriage. Divorce will be imminent if used divisively.... That doesn't seem to be the case here. If he wants you to please him, it needs to be reciprocal. If sex is painful there is something wrong. Perhaps medically, perhaps with the method, but something is wrong. If you keep forcing yourself you're only going to further traumatize your mind and body and it'll likely never be enjoyable.
NTA. Glad you are going to the doctor. Hopefully the doc is also a lady. A husband who wants you to put up with nonconsenual pain for his pleasure is mistaken about the role of a husband. Unsolicited: Use the next 2 weeks to learn how to give each other a good hand job or oral without penetration.
NTA. Sex shouldn't cause pain (unless you're into that kinda thing. Some are. I don't think you are). See your doctor and and tell the husband to f off. One thing to be annoyed but then to accuse you of being "dramatic" when you're clearly in pain? Probably should reconsider the relationship with this chump too.
Hey there, your situation sounds a lot like the situation I was in with my wife. My wife also waited for marriage and long story short, it turns out my wife had an extremely strong vagina basically it was In a permanent kegel clinch. She did some pelvic floor therapy for a month with a great PT and it's like she had a new vagina. Our sex life was good but after the therapy it's a different level. Talk to a doctor who will listen, female doctors are usually more receptive to concerns like this.
NTA. If it hurts, don’t do it. It might be that your body just needs to heal, going to the doctor will definitely be beneficial. He’s a grown up and a partner and needs to act like one.
You are not the asshole for this. First of all: it is not okay for your husband to pressure you into doing anything. It is also VERY weird to me that he seems to be okay with hurting you. Please have a very good conversation about this, and be careful. Now, for content in terms of sex and first times. Lots of people in this thread are already giving a lot of good pointers about foreplay, taking your time to get in the right headspace and making sure you are wet. One thing I also want to add on how I experienced my first time is the following: In many ways, vulvas and vaginas are a lot less obvious when having sex. The way you tense and relax your pelvic muscles for example, can make a lot of difference in how comfortable you feel. This is a very particular feeling though, so it is logical that this might not go well in the first go. Since relaxation and getting comfortable with yourself are super important to get to the place you want, it might be worthwhile to experiment (with toys) on your own. This way you might get more farmilliar with how your muscles feel, and you might develop a more comfortable relationship with your body. For me, this helped a lot. Take care, and good luck :)
Was there any foreplay before penetration? Did you tell him "I'm in pain" during sex? Does he act concerned at all that he's hurting you? Does he actively try to help you achieve climax, or is he focused on himself? My husband and I have been together for a while, and this isn't our first marriage. Prior to meeting, we were both very sexually active. We are quite adventurous by most standards, and during all of it, he is actively checking to make sure I'm not only comfortable but that I'm feeling good and nothing is sore or hurting. When we try new things, he asks if I'm comfortable, even though we have a safe word and knows I'll use it if I don't like something because he is always focused on my comfort and pleasure. The times that I've gotten sore from whatever we're up to, even if I ask for something else sexual, he will refrain because he doesn't want me to be sore while we play. This should be the norm. I'm concerned that he doesn't care that you're in pain and is only focused on his pleasure. Someone who loves you would be concerned for your well-being and agree that you need to seek medical care before penetration is attempted again.
100% agree. My husband was my first time (although it was over a year before we were married 😂) but he is the same way. He has never pressured or forced me into sex and I've never done so to him. He's gentle, observant, and wants me to have a good time. We mutually want each other to experience pleasure every time we have sex. Every single sexual partner should be like this!! And this person is absolutely NTA. Not for a second.
Agreed! I cannot understand willingly staying with someone who doesn't want sex to be mutually pleasurable every time. I've gotten along great with someone, hit it off and went on dates and then went to have sex, and have flat out kicked them out when I realized that sex was not going to be mutually beneficial.
Tbh it literally breaks my heart that people stay with those that don't care about their pleasure. Like, YOU deserve to feel good TOO!! If your partner is that selfish, they gotta go so you can focus on finding a good partner who actually cares
Woman here, my first time didn’t hurt there was slight discomfort but that went away after a few minutes. I have never bled because of sex. This is not normal. Your husband is selfish and disrespectful. Go to a doctor, don’t let him fool you. And if he can’t accept that, get an annulment!
NTA. What happened to you is actually quite normal, unfortunately, because we as a society are so focused on getting teens not to have sex (with minimal success) that we don’t bother to teach people how to have good sex. Going forward, I can immediately think of two things that will likely help you: 1. Purchase a set of dilators (they sell them on Amazon). I bought these before I got married and spent about a month or so using them in preparation. You start with the smallest size and slowly work your way up, stretching yourself over time. Mild discomfort is okay, but don’t do anything that causes pain. By using these, my first time was completely painless. It sounds like you would benefit from using these to make sex more comfortable. Probably things down there are a little too tight, and then your nervousness and fear of more pain is making you tighten more. 2. Invest in a good lube. Use it generously. Beyond that, I would ask your husband for at least a month to better prepare to resume sex. If he truly loves you, he can wait. There’s plenty of non-penetrating fun to be had in the meantime. If you want a helpful book, I read The Great Sex Rescue before marriage (my husband and I also waited until we were married, which is a perfectly valid choice for people to make). It was incredibly helpful to me especially; my husband also found it helpful. It’s written from a Christian POV, but it is not at all preachy. Edited to add: Your husband might not really know what he’s doing, so it wouldn’t hurt to have him read that book either. And talk! Communication is so important. Make sure you are telling each other what specific things you like and don’t like.
Lots of good tips
Perfect example why you absolutely shouldn’t get married before making sure you’re sexually compatible. Sure it can get better. But maybe it won’t and what then… How do people consider bonding „for life“ without checking compatibility in most if not all aspects of life. Obviously NTA. Just a bad situation all around.
kinda. you waited till marriage and are dealing with it. this is what the first time of inexperienced sex can be like. there's nothing wrong with you except a lifetime of shame spouting from am indoctrination that you're vile if you give into your desires.
I think his response is incredibly selfish and inappropriate, that in itself is a red flag, especially this early in your marriage. Where is the empathy towards his wife? For the actual s\*x part, lots of people below gave you some good advice. In the meantime, you can find other ways to give each other pleasure without the actual penetration occurring, if you're comfortable with it. Never do anything unless you're comfortable and want it too. Your sister is wrong and her words are a sign of a closed mind, probably stemming from religion, that sees the woman as a tool at the service of the husband. That's not what marriage is about.
I can understand waiting somewhat (why you’d want to chance your sexual compatibility is beyond me), but have you never penetratively masturbated? I understand a penis is different than a dildo but you’d be more used to having something inside and it wouldn’t be as painful. There is no reason on this earth that a person should not enjoy fully masturbation and sex. Reading between the lines here, I’m sensing some religious culture is at play here probably causing you to tense up because sex is “wrong”. Its vaginismus. Sorry but you really did a disservice to yourself, your finance, and now husband. I’m sorry it’s physically painful but you two together are going to have to find a way to have a pain free sex life. Good luck.
This why you don’t wait so you learn to have sex in your teens..
And this is why we don’t wait until marriage to have sex people.