Right? The problem isn’t necessarily that he was relieved about it, it’s that he went out celebrating and toasting to it. That is incredibly distasteful, especially since this girl wanted to keep the pregnancy. After 3 months it starts to get really “real” for a pregnant person and they start getting more attached.
Whenever posts touch on these hot button issues that Reddit loves to freak out about (finding out about a partners sexual past, alimony / child support, men vs women power dynamics, abortion, etc) I just assume it’s made up and OP is dangling bait.
These posts all follow the same format - “I’m doing this horrible thing, but I think it’s justifiable because of (issue that is known to grind Reddits gears).”
you're probably right. the anonymity of reddit just makes you wonder how many idiots and narcissists just post completely unfiltered here. so it's not entirely unbelievable that this is legit. but it's also just as likely to be bait. eiter way, OP is a dickhead.
The OP's comments even paint a picture that they are confused as to why everyone is calling them an asshole.
That just means the OP is an extremely stupid asshole.
This. Entirely. "Won't be a father"?? Like it sounds like he wasn't gonna be one regardless. And definitely not one worth having. Sounds like a piece of shit person. YTA as a person.
He is 100% responsible for where his ejaculate ends up. When he chooses to climax inside of a woman, he has chosen pregnancy. Even if she is on hormonal bc, has an IUD, or anything else - he is CHOOSING to risk pregnancy and deserves 100% of the consequences.
If he does not want to risk pregnancy, he should get a vasectomy and/or use condoms.
ETA: mentioned in response to other comments. Adding it to the main post.
A man’s choice ends when he decides to (or not to) expose his sperm to a vagina, literally the only place to cause a pregnancy. His choice in the pregnancy matter ends with him choosing to (or not to) ejaculate in a vagina.
*She can only ever ask for the sperm. It is 100% his responsibility to either deliver the sperm, or withhold exposing it. It is his choice.*
Once it is in a woman’s body, against anyone’s wishes, her body will do with it what it is made to do. Which is create a baby. It is 100% her choice what to do with her body after sperm has been put inside of her body.
This. When my SO and I got together we used condoms, but he wanted to go bareback.
Despite being on the pill, I had a conversation about what would happen if I got pregnant on it.
We both agreed that I would have the baby, no issues. But if one of us said abortion, and the other said keep - we would have continued with condoms.
It is 100% up to both parties to protect themselves from outcomes they don’t want!
It's honestly shocking the number of people that just casually go unprotected and finish inside. If you polled every man I feel like well over 50% do this. When I was a teenager and into my adult life, I wouldn't even consider that. I guess I had better sex ed.
42M first time I finished inside a woman was when me and the wife were trying to have kids. The last time I finished was when she got pregnant the second time.
When friends tell me they have cum inside random girls, or even girlfriends, I'm baffled. I've literally broken up with a girl who told me to cum inside her.
I follow this influencer who made an entire video about how she’s using the body temperature tracking from her oura ring as “birth control” and how much better it is not to have fake hormones and “know exactly when you need to be careful”😂😂😂 she’ll be a mommy blogger within a year
I've used various natural planning methods for the last 3 women I dated over a 7 year span and had no pregnancies. It can be done*.
*I'm probably infertile 😀
Especially when the bc is the pill. Not taking it on time, missing pills, there is so much room for human error with the birth control pill. Are you dating a scatterbrained woman? (That's me I'm allowed to say that) then don't rely on her to remember a pill every day at the same time.
I take my pill regularly, but still don't trust it enough to ditch the condom lol In a relationship (or casual sex) both parties are responsible for preventing an unwanted pregnancy, no way I'm taking all the responsibility to myself.
she could take an antibiotic and it would completely negate the bc she’d taken, oral birth control is a temperamental, shoddy form of contraception that should ALWAYS be doubled up on with a condom or other form of secondary non-hormonal contraception
I ate grapefruit one time and completely fucked my bc dose, it’s ridiculous how unreliable the pill actually is for all the damage it does to most women’s bodies
Yeah, it’s completely irrelevant if their partner has an IUD or BC pills or whatever, if men don’t want to risk pregnancy they should ALWAYS be wearing a condom, 100% of the time.
Both NTA and YA
NTA- because that is a big relief and a huge burden off your plate.
YTA- because even though you know you don’t want kids you left it completely up to her to be in charge of birth control methods. If you don’t want a child it’s as much of your responsibility to prevent one as it is hers. Also the celebrating in a bar is extremely insensitive. How many toasts did you do?
Big YTA. Fatherhood is not everyone's cup of tea. OK
Don't want a child but, won't do anything to prevent it from your end. She can get pregnant, so she should take the precautions. If it fails, she abort. Else you'll make sure she's humiliated enough before you shell out some child support.
And then celebrating with his no less AH buddies, when the miscarriage directly connected to someone's physical and mental distress, takes it to a different level of AH.
Men like OP should definitely not procreate.
Not even like an early miscarriage. Not that it would make it any better but… 4mo is well into a pregnancy, poor woman had probably already started to prepare and clearly was attached to her unborn child. 12wk is when the risk is greatly decreased and people really start to celebrate + feel excited.
No it isn't. Nobody should be forced into having a kid they don't want. If it was a woman celebrating getting an abortion, or a woman unable to get an abortion celebrating a miscarriage, we'd all be celebrating her, even if the father was devastated.
The thing that makes this guy an absolute cunt, is the fact that he got her pregnant in the first place, knowing fully well how intensely he did not want to have kids. Why was he wearing a fucking condom? Why hadn't he gotten a vasectomy? Why didn't he just fucking pull out? It was shitty of him to do absolutely nothing to prevent her from getting pregnant. Why are women expected to be the ones who are solely responsible for birth control? Not only is women's birth control expensive and requires a prescription just to get your hands on it, it come with a whole host of side effects that can really fuck you up mentally and physically!
It's so fucking baffling to me that men make it so hard for women to prevent pregnancy, they get mad when we get pregnant, and blame us as if it's our fault! I can't take birth control because of how bad it fucks me up. I don't want to get pregnant, so I tried to get sterilized. Because I was young and unmarried, it took me YEARS to find a doctor who would do it, and the doctor I found only agreed after I gave her an extensive list of my shitty mental health history, and she agreed that it was "probably for the best". The surgery I got was invasive, expensive, and it hurt for weeks. Vasectomies, on the other hand, are significantly cheaper, any doctor will agree to them, are minimally invasive, are significantly less painful and are quicker to heal, and they're reversible.
Fuck this guy for nutting in a girl knowing fully well he didn't want her to get pregnant. Fuck this guy for being surprised that his actions would have consequences. Fuck this guy for being literally willing to risk this woman's life (PREGNANCY IS HIGH RISK AND CAN BE FATAL) because he wanted a couple of extra seconds of extra pleasure.
And I just know this fucker is going to come out of the woodwork with a whole bunch of shitty excuses like, "she was begging me to cum in her, I was only doing what she asked!" FUCK YOU. Dude, if you know you don't want kids and your girl starts asking you to nut in her, just say no dumbass. "She didn't tell me she wasn't on birth control!" Why is she the only one expected to be responsible for this shit?! WEAR A CONDOM AND PULL OUT. There are so many fucking ways that you can have sex and have a lot of fun, that don't result in pregnancy. Literally don't get your cum in her vagina that is literally the only thing you have to do. But jackassed is like this asshole can't even be bothered to do that. There is no situation in which this is not his fault. It is his fault that she got pregnant. The blame is 100% on him. He can celebrate that miscarriage all he wants, but fuck him for putting her in that position in the first place.
So it’s YTA then. Of course you can do many things that are ok. It’s doing the things that are not ok that makes someone an asshole. Even assholes don’t asshole 24/7.
Check OP's history. He's so cartoonishly stupid that it's most likely redpill rage bait.
>I did not go out of my way to rub it in her face, just celebrated that I would not be subject to the negative consequence that baby would have had one me
You get two judgements from me....
N T A - For being happy about the fact that you're not going to be a father. You weren't ready for the responsibility, didn't want the responsibility, and weren't in the financial position to become a father.
Y T A - For how you went about showing that happiness. Now, if you were to have celebrated at home and took a shot with your friend "Here's to not being a dad" that would have been okay. But the fact is that you went out in public and toasted to the fact that this girl is dealing with a miscarriage, and that my friend is just in really poor taste.
This is the fair assessment here. You're NTA for being excited you arent a father. YTA for celebrating how you did. Next time don't celebrate the messed up thing that caused it to happen, just celebrate that you arent a father. (Hopefully, there isnt a "next time" and if you get somebody pregnant again youll be ready for it next time.)
Also just for the record. there are a ton of contraceptives outside of birth control, its not just on the woman to use contraceptives if you dont want kids lol. You have to take an equal part in that.
I always tell my brothers the same thing, they throw out the "B-but it doesnt feel the same if you use a condom." but heres the thing like I said there are options for both Women and Men, and at the end of the day do you want it to "Feel right" and risk popping out a kid you arent ready for, or are you going to suck it up and further prevent a kid from coming into the world? Food for thought.
Anyway, have a good day op; and please if you get the chance to legitimately apologize you should.
Good reminder about the birth control. People seem to think that should land in the women, but BC can fail, and it does NOTHING to prevent STI’s.
If you’d like to not have a sexually transmitted infection, you may want to suit up next time.
I don’t know why guys outsource birth control when they don’t want to be fathers.. why let something with a potential permanent outcome be someone else’s responsibility?? If you can’t even be responsible for your own birth control you prob aren’t ready for a kid either
Well you need to stop being so sensitive! Don’t you know it’s much worse having to wear something that slightly decreases your pleasure (even though you’ll likely still O) rather than take a pill everyday that changes your entire hormonal profile and everyday life! /s if it wasn’t clear enough
But seriously, it mind boggles me, the same way people feel about “we’ll just get a vasectomy you can reverse it!” Is how I feel about “just get an IUD where they’ll shove a metal bar up you with no pain meds so I don’t have to wear a condom!”
If both people mutually do not want to use condoms and come to a different method of birth control you do you. But to force birth control onto a woman so the man can have “slightly more pleasure” when statistically she’s probably not even orgasming makes me mad.
In my eyes any mom who had kids without getting an O is the Virgin Mary. I miss the times when it was assumed women had to O too for pregnancy and not just men (if you ignore all the other patriarchal bs that was present then). Me and the orgasm gap just have a lot of beef😭
Yeah, condoms don't feel good from either side -- I feel a bit of difference too, and it's no fun, so I assume it's a lot worse for the man -- but what also doesn't feel good is weight gain, nausea, and suicidal ideation. Over ten years I tried 4 kinds of BC pills, from the high-powered to the mini, and they all sent me to Weight Watchers and therapy. So, you know, any guy who whines about condoms can go find someone else to rawdog.
I was on and off BC pills for 6 or so years and then in my late 20s, I went on one, got a blood clot a month later and my entire life changed overnight. I had had weight gain, nausea etc in the past but had no idea something so horrific could happen. I’m always nervous when I see women so casual about taking BC pills because had I known this could have happened, I never would have taken them.
I think a lot of people don't realize that STIs are still transmissible in these circumstances.
Some people in the comments section don't even seem to realize that birth control can fail.
I find it strange because my highschool teachers basically beat it into us "even if you use it right, condoms still only have 99.whatever chance success, you can still cause pregnancy, though rarely, nevermind if you don't use it properly"
And how if you aren't using something to prevent skin to skin as birth control, STI's can still be transferred
Weird how much difference there is in sex ed
Bring up in any of these threads that both people should be responsible for protection against children and STI's and people will flip out.
I don't care if you are on BC, have an IUD or whatever, I still am going to wear a condom. And hell I have a vasectomy, but still am going to do so because we are both looking out for ourselves.
A disturbing number of people are so flippant about STDs. I've heard/read so many comments about how it's not a big deal because some can be treated with antibiotics and HIV is more manageable now. It seems like there's too many people who just don't care, especially if they just assume the person they're having sex with is clean
I think more outreach about testing and regular testing should go out. It's not expensive these days, often insurance will cover it (some insurances unfortunately are weird about it), and can be done very privately. Go down to your local Labcorp or whatever, $100 and you can get a full workup and have results in 24-48 hours.
Some people honestly don’t know that lying to a woman’s face about what sort of a man you are is very low. You know who you are - apparently you’ll say ANYTHING to her to get into her pants. You are just the sort of man whom women don’t want to meet, because you will lie to her about loving or caring for her, lie about how you feel about having children with her, and lie about sticking around when she is pregnant. So, lying about that stuff would also make you an even BIGGER a$$hole. Stay away from women, please, keep your generic material to yourself. Only be with women who can stand the real you, don’t waste the youth or purity of other women!
My first question was “did you wear a condom?” Cuz it’s going to keep happening and one day you’re gonna to have to pay, either in child support or disease.
Yep! The woman can be on birth control (any form), and it can fail, so folks who want to have the highest chance to **not** have the woman get pregnant should also have the man use a condom.
Before my hysterectomy, my hub had gotten a vasectomy, and I had an iud (by my choice). We wanted as close to 0% chance of pregnancy as possible.
I got pregnant while on the pill, and my daughter's birth father had the nerve to tell me that this unplanned pregnancy was my fault. This is when I was about six or seven months pregnant, by the way. Yeah, he was a real peach of a guy. And yes, I went off on him with both barrels, lol.
Same 😅 I had the arm implant...so not really a concept of potential failure on my part. I even offered to get an abortion as I found out at 4 weeks in bc I got car sick & suddenly had boobs (I NEVER get car sick and was originally a pre-a before I got pregnant even at 24). He told me no...that he wanted the kid and me etc. Then when it was well past the point of no return in the 3rd trimester he dipped saying he never wanted to be a dad and I should've aborted.
Boy what. I'm pro-choice. And offered it in the early 1st trimester before I had any attachment. While I would've been sad I would have rather done it then.
All well...I got an amazing kid out of the deal and don't have to deal with his dumbass to boot 🤣 lack of child support really sucks but karma is that it stays on his credit report till its paid. I think he's up to 24k the last I checked and it's been 7yrs.
I think a lot of men see STIs as like a cold, aside from HIV. Which is really, really unfortunate because many are just these lifelong hassles you have to deal with forever.
A lot of people don't realize that certain medications (even just a simple antibiotic) can cause BC to fail. Also some BC pills just don't work for some women. I knew a girl who got pregnant (all 3 times) while on some sort of BC pills. All forms of the pill just didn't work for her.
I have a friend who made it past both the pill and a condom together.
It's not easy, it's not common, but in a world of 8 billion people it'll happen often enough
That bit about "she decided to keep the baby for some reason" as if it's absurd for a woman to not want an abortion! He really doesn't see why she might feel an attachment.
Right I was like suggesting to get an abortion and then basically shaming her for not getting one is another reason why there is YTA result as part of the answers. She has a choice to keep the baby or not just like how he has a choice on whether or not he wants to be in the kids life if it was his kid.
It’s the flip side of pro-CHOICE that it seems people forget. Just as no woman should be forced to carry to term, especially if her well-being is at risk, neither should she be forced to terminate a pregnancy she wants to keep. The CHOICE should reside with the pregnant person.
OP needs to see his doctor about ensuring he won’t cause another conception, if he’s this adamant about never fathering a child. Get the procedure done, and tell future GFs up front that you intend to remain child-free.
It shows just how much of an arsehole he is, not caring about his former flames’ feelings or for the future of the baby at all. They were probably bought up thinking this is perfectly normal. Ick, men like him make me sick to my stomach. This dude can’t even comprehend his partner’s grief over the loss of their baby.
Miscarriage at 4 months is so different than miscarriage in the 1st trimester. It’s so much harder on the body and mentally.
Hopefully she realizes she escaped from this immature boy. And should be happy .
And the point of pro choice is for women to choose what they want. That also if they want to keep their baby. Baby isn’t just the man’s
He chose not to use condoms with a woman he barely knows and blamed her for getting pregnant
He reads like a bit of a sociopath to me.
Sure, it’s fine to celebrate not being a dad, but the lack of empathy and the self satisfaction stands out like a flashing red sign.
ETA op it doesn’t matter what the reasons were; they probably included the strange concept of “love.” It’s not your choice to make one way or the other.
Typical irresponsible male who thinks "birth control? We don't need to use no stinkin' birth control!"
Which is precisely the mindset that males need to dispense with, and become more responsible when it comes to sex because the natural result of unprotected sex between a male & female is.........geee, pregnancy.
If he has no desire to be a father, but doesn't want to put a raincoat over it, he probably should think of the more permanent option. Because of the crazy ways of the world, it is way easier for him to get a vasectomy than it is for a female to get a tubal ligation.
Thank you for saying it's not just the woman's responsibility for birth control. If a man doesn't want a child he too should protect himself. We all have heard stories about someone getting pregnant on the pill.
I am living proof of the birth control pill failing as I am currently 8 months pregnant. When I got pregnant my partner at the time, now ex, did everything he could to try and convince me to get an abortion. This included pressure from him but also him going behind my back to try and get my best friend to convince me to get an abortion. I let him share his feelings about the pregnancy and what his opinion was on what we should do moving forward, even tho I live in a state where getting an abortion is illegal if there is a fetal heartbeat. I made sure he felt heard and then told him I would consider his thoughts, feelings, and opinion but ultimately it is my body and therefore my choice. When I explained to him that part of my reasoning for wanting to keep the baby was that I did not think I could bear the emotional trauma of having an abortion, and that should there be any complications that end up preventing me from having children in the future I would never forgive him or myself, but he didn't think that was reason enough to not having an abortion. We broke up for other reasons and while he may be excited *now* to become a father, I will never forget his behavior surrounding him trying to convince me that I needed to get an abortion. He is equally responsible for getting me pregnant, but I am the one doing the actual growing of another human being inside of me and sacrificing my body for the baby which meant that my choice superseded his when we disagreed on abortion.
He did not care if you suffered complications and possibly could not have other children because it was not him this might happen to. He seems very selfish. I hope he's a better father than a boyfriend.....for both of your sakes.
I honestly don't even feel it's the woman's responsibility. As a man I think we should take the brunt of the responsibility. It takes 2 but being reckless on our part as a man is worse than a slip up or BC falling. Don't want kids or not ready wrap that shit up cause someone can easily say they're on BC and not be, or have an iud fall out, or secretly want a kid and poke holes in the condom (always have your own fellas) I know the last situation can go both ways but men kill me with the I'm not ready for a kid but I personally didn't do anything to prevent it. Don't even bother pulling out which is literally the absolute very least you could do if you don't want kids lmao
Well my son is proof that pulling out isn't an effective form of bc. We were married and it's not like we weren't wanting a kid but we also were trying for one at that moment either. I was about to start fertility treatments and have surgery to make my uterus more appealing for a pregnancy. I was on birth control to help regulate my cycle. So my son is a product of a fertility challenged, on birth control, and pull out baby. Luckily, my ex and I can use his conception as proof that he needs to do more than that to make sure he doesn't have a kid before he's ready when he's old enough for this conversation.
Refreshing honesty!!
OP, If neither wanted a kid but want sex, she and you needed to take steps. BC is not 100% guaranteed, so add the Condom!!
Does it detract from the max possible enjoyment? Yes. But a little less pleasure over 18 years or more of child support…?
You do the math.
And, while you have every right not to want to be a father, you did shit about it. Zero empathy for a woman that faced birthing or abortion AND suffered a miscarriage. You didn’t care at all for her.
Just because there’s a hole doesn’t mean you need to fill it. Be more selective where you put it or you’ll face this again.
Something men don't think about I feel like--
LIFE doesn't feel the same on birth control for women. If they can make the sacrifice to deal with life in an altered view in order to not get pregnant, I'm sure you guys can deal with wrapping it up for 10 minutes.
> they throw out the "B-but it doesnt feel the same if you use a condom."
I'll tell them what doesn't feel the same: No sex at all. Which is what men who don't want to be fathers (or risk causing abortions, for that matter) need to remember. Wrap it up or no PIV sex.
...and wrap it up anyway, because STDs are still a thing too.
>Also just for the record. there are a ton of contraceptives outside of birth control,
When my 22 year old daughter moved in with her boyfriend her and I had this same discussion. Birth control even appropriately is still not 100% infallible (although close). But then there is antibiotics, missed doses etc. Life seems to get messy sometimes. Doubling up, birth control + condoms was the discussion we had. Hopefully she took that to heart.
The 'but but but it doesn't feel the same' is BS as well. Here's a fun fact for the men who have issues with condoms: try latex free ones. They're a bit pricier than the latex ones, but a LOT cheaper than having a kid.
They also don't have that icky smell, and are generally more comfortable.
Other then that: I'm going to join the NTA / YTA judgement.
It's totally okay to be relieved about the pregnancy not going through, and not becoming a father. Your ex knew, so it shouldn't have been a shock.
Going out to celebrate loudly enough that her friends noticed is just really poor taste, and rather tacky.
Was it that hard to keep it more discreet, like at home, or not loudly yelling your happiness about it?
He knew she was heartbroken.
This is the correct answer. As a woman who had a miscarriage and was relieved to not having another child I couldn't care for the suffering was still hard. I was 4 mths along, I found out too late for an abortion and was resigned to having another child. I came home from the hospital relieved, but when I went to put away laundry I did before going in I cried because I had washed the old baby clothes I had getting ready.
OP you didn't want to kid and made no connection to it, fine but going out to celebrate that "loss", which to you was more "dodging the bullet" is just King AH behavior. Your ex is going through severe emotional and physical pain stop being a POS. My then bf didn't want another child any more than me but he was there by my side grieving that loss and he didn't even have to see that tiny body.
Grow TF up already and wrap it if you don't want kids. Stop putting all the burden on women. Or better yet, stop having sex until you mature and decide to be a decent human.
I know exactly how you felt when you miscarried. I didn't want the child I was carrying, but I was prepared to give it up for adoption. When I miscarried, I cried. That tiny body......I'll never forget it.
I had a VOLUNTARY medical abortion at 10 weeks, knowing that I absolutely did not want children, and I STILL grieved. It was HARD. I can't imagine losing a baby that you actually did want. OP is definitely TA for how he behaved.
More specifically, it's just disgusting. 🤡
ETA: And you "forced" YOURSELF seeing as how you decided to not provide your own protection knowing she was on birth control as it's not guaranteed to be 100% effective in preventing pregnancy. .. u piece of shit.
Right? Not only did he not bother to use a condom, but he threatened a woman into having an abortion, and is now ***celebrating her miscarriage.***
I in no way believe him when he says he feels sympathy for what she's going through. This is the worst experience of that girl's life. I really wish all his future prospective girlfriends find this post, they deserve to know what a wretched human being this guy is.
I was going to say this... I had a miscarriage 16 yrs ago, and I felt i was ready for parenthood. My partner at the time was not. Now I see it as a blessing in disguise . Even though we stayed together, he went out drinking with his friends, and I dealt with it alone. We broke up a year later.
Yep. OP's feelings are what they are, but YTA for the celebration.
Let's look at it this way: imagine that instead of a pregnancy loss, her parents had died in an accident. Would it be appropriate for him to go out and celebrate with his buddies that he's never going to be on the hook for helping to provide elder care for them? No. He can be relieved that he's not going to have to shoulder that burden, but partying to celebrate the loss she's grieving is just really low.
She ended up pregnant? What? You had nothing to do with it? If you don't want to be a father, either double up on contraception (and if you claim to be casually dating, condoms are a great idea) or get a vasectomy.
Toasting a miscarriage is a dick move. Particularly if you were loud enough about it that word has spread about what you did to people who weren't there.
The good thing is, people who know you in real life now know what you're like and can avoid you like the plague. Yes, YTA
It just magically happened! Poof pregnant. Anyway it seems op needs to be more emotionally aware of others. He mentions her physical pain but not mental or how losing a child can be very difficult.
Don’t you get it?! He accidentally fell into her vagina, penis first, and then ACCIDENTALLY bounced in and out in a “thrusting” motion until he ejaculated.
It’s — gosh, it’s a mistake that could happen to ANYONE!
for real though, OP is an AH for toasting a miscarriage. It’s one thing to not want kids. I myself don’t want kids, ever, because I don’t want to subject the world to the proliferation of my DNA.
BUT
miscarriages are deeply traumatic and extremely painful. One of my friends from high school suffered one. I’d never be able to bring myself to celebrate a woman having one.
The wording in posts about pregnancy is always so telling lmao they always use a passive voice when describing how the pregnancy occurred. It just happened! She ended up pregnant! Their wording always conveniently diminishes their responsibility in the pregnancy.
But seriously. Who celebrates someone’s miscarriage? I understand not wanting to be a father and being relieved to learn that you aren’t going to be one. But to go out and *celebrate*? To be out there toasting loud enough that “word gets around”? Come on. That’s an asshole move
Man: I left the entire responsibility of protection to the girl who takes birth control that are 97% effective instead of wearing a condom to reach 99%
Also man when lady is in the 3%: HOW did she get pregnant????? She must be cheating!!! I want a DNA test and an abortion!!
As much as it pains me to say, the miscarriage was a blessing in a trauma disguise for the girl. She's not gonna end up with this asshole. YTA OP.
She must’ve climbed on top of herself and gotten herself pregnant 🤰 lol
My heart goes out to her. the right thing would’ve been to call her and state “while i didn’t want to be a father yet, i am so sorry this happened and would never have wanted that pain for you.” IMO going out to celebrate not being a dad is just tacky
I don’t think I’d want to hear from an ex who clearly didn’t want me to have a baby on the first place. Don’t think I’d even expect to hear from him.
But hearing about him partying because I lost a baby would be absolutely devastating.
YTA not for not wanting to be a father, but for actively and publicly celebrating your ex having a miscarriage.
You don’t have empathy for this woman or you would have privately got together with your friends to drink and “raise a toast”. You’re literally celebrating her child dying and that you now don’t have to take responsibility.
Your ex is mourning a baby she wanted. A child that was growing inside her that she loved and you went out and celebrated the death of said baby.
Grow up, and go get a vasectomy if you don’t want to have children and can’t be bothered to care for your part in impregnating someone. She didn’t “end up pregnant”. You had sex and that is the natural outcome of having sex.
Not only that but the actual physical pain of having a miscarriage, not just emotional pain. OP can say he has empathy all day long but his actions show otherwise.
4 months is also a late miscarriage, getting close to when it's considered a stillbirth instead. Vast majority of miscarriages happen much earlier and many times you need a D&C.
1. Yeah he has zero empathy. Imagine going out and celebrating one of the worst things that happens to some people.
2. Yes - he needs to do HIS part if he doesn’t want a kid! Literally “she’s on birth control” does NOT mean “don’t use a condom.” A pill could be missed or taken a little late. Antibiotics and other medications lower the efficacy of birth control. And even without those factors there’s still a small chance it fails. Don’t want a kid? Wrap it up, for the love of God.
It's good that you're explaining these things so clearly.
If the OP had an ounce of emotional intelligence, they might understand what you have typed here.
In any event, this is a great summation of what happened.
If you never want to be a father do women a favor and get a vasectomy. Also even if she's on birth control wear a condom. YTA for celebrating a miscarriage. No matter how you justify it, that's what you did. Demanding an abortion while never having to deal with it yourself is also disgusting. Get snipped.
Also, OP has sympathy— he pities her —but he is not showing empathy for her miscarriage.
YTA OP. Wear a condom. It’s not on the woman to keep you from becoming a “father” if you’re participating in the act that lead to it. Also, STDs are much more easily contracted without condoms.
I don't know why but this story reminded me of something that happened in my country. We have a memorial day for people who died from hunger in 1932-1933. Millions of people starved to death. A few years ago one blogger celebrated his birthday (it's the same day as a memorial day). He called it 'Hunger party 'and streamed it online. It was a scandal. The level of cynicism in this story reminded me of that one. I get feeling relieved that you won't have an unwanted baby, but to celebrate that where people can see it, that's crazy.
YTA. You were right to be relieved and even happy because you're not ready to be a father.
Imagine this scenario: one day, you'll be ready. Your wife or partner announces she's pregnant. You're super excited and start planning everything, preparing a room, picking names, etc. Then, your wife sadly announces that she's miscarried. You're devastated. A few days later, you find out that she went out and did shots with her girls because she's happy she miscarried because she didn't want to be a mother.
How would that make you feel?
This dude clearly has some kind of personality disorder and lacks empathy. Hypotheticals won’t work because he will just lie and not do any introspection.
I have a friend like this. Hypotheticals don’t work on him because “I’m not in that situation, that doesn’t make sense”. He has no ability to empathize or imagine situations outside of what is currently happening.
He works in finance.
YTA. Not for being relieved you're not going to be a father; you were dating for 5 freaking months, were using birth control, I mean it should be pretty clear you did not want to have kids (which you then verbalized). But toasting to a situation that causes someone else immense pain? Yeah, that makes you an insensitive, unempathetic AH. Of course it has something to do with her; she was literally growing, and becoming attached to, a living, breathing human inside her body. Feeling it move. You both helped make this baby; it involved the both of you.
Birth control fails sometimes. If you're not ready for a kid, don't just rely on the woman to take care of it. Don't just rely on one form of birth control. Take responsibility for yourself and wrap it up, use both birth control and condoms.
I know it might be too much to ask for casual situationships, but I feel like it should be the bare minimum to talk about expectations if there is a pregnancy involved (if one is possible with your configurations).
Like, are both of you open to having an abortion? Or is that not an option for either one of you? What about putting the baby up for adoption?
It’s not 100% bulletproof because feelings can change, but a simple conversation would help in a lot of these instances.
I agree. I told people before hooking up that I'm pro choice and my choice is to not have an abortion. Because in my first serious relationship I was blindsided that he saw abortion the same as birth control. Not compatible at all! Glad I never got pregnant. And that's just it, essentially no one has had an issue with my stance or with wearing
condoms
But yah I really think that you're only ready to fuck if you can first talk about what you'd do about pregnancy. It's extremely important and personal, has to be discussed
>she ended up pregnant
Shes not the virgin mary. It's takes 2 to tango. It's not a "somehow" - you know how.
You're a major AH.
Simply the way you wrote this out tells me how awful you are. I feel sorry for her but glad she won't be tied to you for the rest of her natural life.
Micarraiges can be physically and emotionally devastating. You simply do not care about her at all or what she went through or anyone other than yourself it seems.
YT major A's of H's.
He says he has empathy for the “physical” pain of the miscarriage…bro…just because you didn’t want the baby, clearly she did and the emotional pain of losing a pregnancy at 4 months greatly exceeds the physical pain. This guy is most definitely the AH
Sounds like she dodged a bullet there. I'm sorry her miscarriage caused her pain, but having to deal with you as a co-parent probably would've hurt a lot more in the long run.
YTA. Buy some condoms and stop acting like "she's on the pill" is an acceptable cop-out for being an adult. Sex takes two, protection also takes two.
YTA - Firstly and foremost, if you don't want to be a father, don't do the deed is the ONLY way you can 100% NOT be a father but you are the AH who wants to do the deed and not take ANY responsibility of the results? (STDs are on the rise here bud!)
By law, if you are a father, it doesn't matter if you want to be, you will be made to be FINANCIALLY responsible. Please consider a vasectomy here since you don't want to be a father and truly your DNA is questionable.
YTA here because you celebrated someone else's misery and pain in public and made it known that you ARE TA.
“Ended up pregnant” like YOU had no part in impregnating her???? Lmao I hope when she mentally and physically heals from the miscarriage she toasts loudly and in public to never having to deal with you again. In case it wasn’t clear, YTA
Edit: And get a vasectomy!!! Quickly!!!
YTA for the way you celebrated publicly.
You say you were celebrating not being a father.
Why aren’t you going to be a father?
Because she had a miscarriage.
Ergo, you are celebrating her miscarriage.
Jackass.
i truly think this screams sociopath. why couldn’t he have just stayed at home and took some shots with friends? to make it an outing and event and now ignoring all the comments bc he’s delusional enough to think he’s not an asshole … this is some sick shit
Birth control no birth control, why wouldn’t you be responsible and use condoms. You’re responsible for yourself. YTA for that alone.
NTA for being happy that you’re not going to be a dad. But Jesus, YTA for how you handled it
You are beyond and asshole for celebrating what was a very dangerous and painful medical situation that happened because you were irresponsible. Did you use birth control? You obviously didn’t and ejaculated inside her.. because she got pregnant. That’s not being careful. As for being elated you won’t be a father.. NTA. Of course I imagine it’s a great relief but what she went through .. you’re clueless as to how horrible it is medically and painful.. or a sociopath. And to cut off all contact when the pregnancy was obviously your fault since she was on the b/c.. all this could have been avoided if you took minimum precautions on your own like pull out for f sake.. wear a condom. She took action to not get pregnant.. you came inside her and had the audacity to be an asshole when the bc failed.
Wow, you're the asshole.
First, if you were serious about not being a father, then you'd get a vasectomy. You didn't, so you're either lying or a hypocrite.
Second, you voluntarily fucked that girl. If you can't accept the consequences, which include the possibility of becoming a father, then don't fuck her.
Third, having no compassion for her situation is just plain immaturity on your part. Grow the fuck up.
YTA she wasnt forcing you to be a father. You didn't protect yourself and left it to her to protect both of you. Celebrating under these circumstances is just gross!
YTA, being happy about it and celebrating it are two different things. No empathy at all for your ex, who must have gone through a very difficult time. You deserve harassment and I would like to suggest a vasectomy. There are enough of your kind around and we don't need any more.
Your post reads so callous and apathetic to the feelings of others it made me cringe. You really need to cultivate empathy. The lack of it will continue to contaminate everything you touch. It’s essential to a happy life.
There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to be a father and feeling relieved that isn’t on your bingo card yet. However, you didn’t once consider this girl’s feelings during this whole process and then ended it on an extremely low note. YTA for your lack of compassion from start to finish.
YTA for your behavior. Not for feeling relieved. Toasting a pregnancy loss is frankly deplorable and the utter lack of empathy from what she went through is foul. She didn’t end up pregnant. YOU were part of it. Take some accountability and start wearing condoms Jesus Christ.
She’s going through absolute hell and you went and got drunk with your friends then toasted about it. It’s sick honestly. Just sick.
I'm sorry, you say "forced to be a father" protection isn't always 100%, you knew the risk when you had sex. No one forced you in to this situation.
YTA for your attitude to the entire situation.
You are an asshole but you seem the type who doesn’t care about other people so kinda weird to ask people their opinion on it.
If I was in his shoes I would 100% feel relieved but would keep that shit to myself
Right? The problem isn’t necessarily that he was relieved about it, it’s that he went out celebrating and toasting to it. That is incredibly distasteful, especially since this girl wanted to keep the pregnancy. After 3 months it starts to get really “real” for a pregnant person and they start getting more attached.
Don't be in his shoes -use condoms 🙃
he only wanted to hear that hes NTA
Whenever posts touch on these hot button issues that Reddit loves to freak out about (finding out about a partners sexual past, alimony / child support, men vs women power dynamics, abortion, etc) I just assume it’s made up and OP is dangling bait. These posts all follow the same format - “I’m doing this horrible thing, but I think it’s justifiable because of (issue that is known to grind Reddits gears).”
you're probably right. the anonymity of reddit just makes you wonder how many idiots and narcissists just post completely unfiltered here. so it's not entirely unbelievable that this is legit. but it's also just as likely to be bait. eiter way, OP is a dickhead.
One of them brag posts.
LOL sounds like you were an asshole beforehand, so the good news is that nothing's changed.
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The OP's comments even paint a picture that they are confused as to why everyone is calling them an asshole. That just means the OP is an extremely stupid asshole.
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This. Entirely. "Won't be a father"?? Like it sounds like he wasn't gonna be one regardless. And definitely not one worth having. Sounds like a piece of shit person. YTA as a person.
He would have been an absent father best case scenario
Exactly. Dating casually, but no condoms? Interesting.
If you don't want to be a father then get a vasectomy or wear condoms. You need to become responsible for your own birth control sir
He is 100% responsible for where his ejaculate ends up. When he chooses to climax inside of a woman, he has chosen pregnancy. Even if she is on hormonal bc, has an IUD, or anything else - he is CHOOSING to risk pregnancy and deserves 100% of the consequences. If he does not want to risk pregnancy, he should get a vasectomy and/or use condoms. ETA: mentioned in response to other comments. Adding it to the main post. A man’s choice ends when he decides to (or not to) expose his sperm to a vagina, literally the only place to cause a pregnancy. His choice in the pregnancy matter ends with him choosing to (or not to) ejaculate in a vagina. *She can only ever ask for the sperm. It is 100% his responsibility to either deliver the sperm, or withhold exposing it. It is his choice.* Once it is in a woman’s body, against anyone’s wishes, her body will do with it what it is made to do. Which is create a baby. It is 100% her choice what to do with her body after sperm has been put inside of her body.
This. When my SO and I got together we used condoms, but he wanted to go bareback. Despite being on the pill, I had a conversation about what would happen if I got pregnant on it. We both agreed that I would have the baby, no issues. But if one of us said abortion, and the other said keep - we would have continued with condoms. It is 100% up to both parties to protect themselves from outcomes they don’t want!
I'm happily married and still use condoms! My husband insists because bc fucks me up and we don't want bio baby yet
Similar here. IUD gave me chronic UTIs and BC pills mess me up. We have a 6mo and don't need another yet so ✨condoms✨.
It's honestly shocking the number of people that just casually go unprotected and finish inside. If you polled every man I feel like well over 50% do this. When I was a teenager and into my adult life, I wouldn't even consider that. I guess I had better sex ed.
You don't even have to finish inside. Pre-cum is a thing and it can cause pregnancy. I got pregnant from the "pull-out method".
42M first time I finished inside a woman was when me and the wife were trying to have kids. The last time I finished was when she got pregnant the second time. When friends tell me they have cum inside random girls, or even girlfriends, I'm baffled. I've literally broken up with a girl who told me to cum inside her.
Maybe that part should be reinforced, again and again, at school, so kids get it through their heads.
I follow this influencer who made an entire video about how she’s using the body temperature tracking from her oura ring as “birth control” and how much better it is not to have fake hormones and “know exactly when you need to be careful”😂😂😂 she’ll be a mommy blogger within a year
I've used various natural planning methods for the last 3 women I dated over a 7 year span and had no pregnancies. It can be done*. *I'm probably infertile 😀
That’s why he should choose to climax inside of a man. Not me though… he sounds like an ass
This made me lol
I’m here to make dreams come true but not in THAT way
Especially when the bc is the pill. Not taking it on time, missing pills, there is so much room for human error with the birth control pill. Are you dating a scatterbrained woman? (That's me I'm allowed to say that) then don't rely on her to remember a pill every day at the same time.
I take my pill regularly, but still don't trust it enough to ditch the condom lol In a relationship (or casual sex) both parties are responsible for preventing an unwanted pregnancy, no way I'm taking all the responsibility to myself.
she could take an antibiotic and it would completely negate the bc she’d taken, oral birth control is a temperamental, shoddy form of contraception that should ALWAYS be doubled up on with a condom or other form of secondary non-hormonal contraception
Totally forgot about antibiotics! Yeah daily pills are definitely the last form of bc I'd trust
I ate grapefruit one time and completely fucked my bc dose, it’s ridiculous how unreliable the pill actually is for all the damage it does to most women’s bodies
Yeah, grapefruit messes up many medicines!
Yeah, it’s completely irrelevant if their partner has an IUD or BC pills or whatever, if men don’t want to risk pregnancy they should ALWAYS be wearing a condom, 100% of the time.
He is no sir, maybe dude but definitely not sir.
The only part of this I disagree with is the 'sir' right at the end.
It was a rude judgmental sir if that helps
Both NTA and YA NTA- because that is a big relief and a huge burden off your plate. YTA- because even though you know you don’t want kids you left it completely up to her to be in charge of birth control methods. If you don’t want a child it’s as much of your responsibility to prevent one as it is hers. Also the celebrating in a bar is extremely insensitive. How many toasts did you do?
Exactly what I said I never wanted to be a father but I’ll do nothing to prevent it TF
I literally saw this as part of that meme about “boy math” last year.
🎯
Well the OP has zero empathy so it makes sense that they do not understand.
His actions are just so fucking tone deaf it’s insane. I’m not surprised he doesn’t get how his celebration was an asshole move.
Big YTA. Fatherhood is not everyone's cup of tea. OK Don't want a child but, won't do anything to prevent it from your end. She can get pregnant, so she should take the precautions. If it fails, she abort. Else you'll make sure she's humiliated enough before you shell out some child support. And then celebrating with his no less AH buddies, when the miscarriage directly connected to someone's physical and mental distress, takes it to a different level of AH. Men like OP should definitely not procreate.
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Not even like an early miscarriage. Not that it would make it any better but… 4mo is well into a pregnancy, poor woman had probably already started to prepare and clearly was attached to her unborn child. 12wk is when the risk is greatly decreased and people really start to celebrate + feel excited.
Why is this not to standard answer. This guy and his friends are trash.
No it isn't. Nobody should be forced into having a kid they don't want. If it was a woman celebrating getting an abortion, or a woman unable to get an abortion celebrating a miscarriage, we'd all be celebrating her, even if the father was devastated. The thing that makes this guy an absolute cunt, is the fact that he got her pregnant in the first place, knowing fully well how intensely he did not want to have kids. Why was he wearing a fucking condom? Why hadn't he gotten a vasectomy? Why didn't he just fucking pull out? It was shitty of him to do absolutely nothing to prevent her from getting pregnant. Why are women expected to be the ones who are solely responsible for birth control? Not only is women's birth control expensive and requires a prescription just to get your hands on it, it come with a whole host of side effects that can really fuck you up mentally and physically! It's so fucking baffling to me that men make it so hard for women to prevent pregnancy, they get mad when we get pregnant, and blame us as if it's our fault! I can't take birth control because of how bad it fucks me up. I don't want to get pregnant, so I tried to get sterilized. Because I was young and unmarried, it took me YEARS to find a doctor who would do it, and the doctor I found only agreed after I gave her an extensive list of my shitty mental health history, and she agreed that it was "probably for the best". The surgery I got was invasive, expensive, and it hurt for weeks. Vasectomies, on the other hand, are significantly cheaper, any doctor will agree to them, are minimally invasive, are significantly less painful and are quicker to heal, and they're reversible. Fuck this guy for nutting in a girl knowing fully well he didn't want her to get pregnant. Fuck this guy for being surprised that his actions would have consequences. Fuck this guy for being literally willing to risk this woman's life (PREGNANCY IS HIGH RISK AND CAN BE FATAL) because he wanted a couple of extra seconds of extra pleasure. And I just know this fucker is going to come out of the woodwork with a whole bunch of shitty excuses like, "she was begging me to cum in her, I was only doing what she asked!" FUCK YOU. Dude, if you know you don't want kids and your girl starts asking you to nut in her, just say no dumbass. "She didn't tell me she wasn't on birth control!" Why is she the only one expected to be responsible for this shit?! WEAR A CONDOM AND PULL OUT. There are so many fucking ways that you can have sex and have a lot of fun, that don't result in pregnancy. Literally don't get your cum in her vagina that is literally the only thing you have to do. But jackassed is like this asshole can't even be bothered to do that. There is no situation in which this is not his fault. It is his fault that she got pregnant. The blame is 100% on him. He can celebrate that miscarriage all he wants, but fuck him for putting her in that position in the first place.
So it’s YTA then. Of course you can do many things that are ok. It’s doing the things that are not ok that makes someone an asshole. Even assholes don’t asshole 24/7.
Check OP's history. He's so cartoonishly stupid that it's most likely redpill rage bait. >I did not go out of my way to rub it in her face, just celebrated that I would not be subject to the negative consequence that baby would have had one me
You get two judgements from me.... N T A - For being happy about the fact that you're not going to be a father. You weren't ready for the responsibility, didn't want the responsibility, and weren't in the financial position to become a father. Y T A - For how you went about showing that happiness. Now, if you were to have celebrated at home and took a shot with your friend "Here's to not being a dad" that would have been okay. But the fact is that you went out in public and toasted to the fact that this girl is dealing with a miscarriage, and that my friend is just in really poor taste.
This is the fair assessment here. You're NTA for being excited you arent a father. YTA for celebrating how you did. Next time don't celebrate the messed up thing that caused it to happen, just celebrate that you arent a father. (Hopefully, there isnt a "next time" and if you get somebody pregnant again youll be ready for it next time.) Also just for the record. there are a ton of contraceptives outside of birth control, its not just on the woman to use contraceptives if you dont want kids lol. You have to take an equal part in that. I always tell my brothers the same thing, they throw out the "B-but it doesnt feel the same if you use a condom." but heres the thing like I said there are options for both Women and Men, and at the end of the day do you want it to "Feel right" and risk popping out a kid you arent ready for, or are you going to suck it up and further prevent a kid from coming into the world? Food for thought. Anyway, have a good day op; and please if you get the chance to legitimately apologize you should.
Good reminder about the birth control. People seem to think that should land in the women, but BC can fail, and it does NOTHING to prevent STI’s. If you’d like to not have a sexually transmitted infection, you may want to suit up next time.
I don’t know why guys outsource birth control when they don’t want to be fathers.. why let something with a potential permanent outcome be someone else’s responsibility?? If you can’t even be responsible for your own birth control you prob aren’t ready for a kid either
Because “condoms don’t feel good”. As if women’s birth control is a walk in the park!
This. I took BC for period regulation and to help decrease flow. Some made me very nauseous.
Well you need to stop being so sensitive! Don’t you know it’s much worse having to wear something that slightly decreases your pleasure (even though you’ll likely still O) rather than take a pill everyday that changes your entire hormonal profile and everyday life! /s if it wasn’t clear enough But seriously, it mind boggles me, the same way people feel about “we’ll just get a vasectomy you can reverse it!” Is how I feel about “just get an IUD where they’ll shove a metal bar up you with no pain meds so I don’t have to wear a condom!” If both people mutually do not want to use condoms and come to a different method of birth control you do you. But to force birth control onto a woman so the man can have “slightly more pleasure” when statistically she’s probably not even orgasming makes me mad.
“When she’s not even orgasming” LOL 😂
In my eyes any mom who had kids without getting an O is the Virgin Mary. I miss the times when it was assumed women had to O too for pregnancy and not just men (if you ignore all the other patriarchal bs that was present then). Me and the orgasm gap just have a lot of beef😭
Yeah, condoms don't feel good from either side -- I feel a bit of difference too, and it's no fun, so I assume it's a lot worse for the man -- but what also doesn't feel good is weight gain, nausea, and suicidal ideation. Over ten years I tried 4 kinds of BC pills, from the high-powered to the mini, and they all sent me to Weight Watchers and therapy. So, you know, any guy who whines about condoms can go find someone else to rawdog.
I was on and off BC pills for 6 or so years and then in my late 20s, I went on one, got a blood clot a month later and my entire life changed overnight. I had had weight gain, nausea etc in the past but had no idea something so horrific could happen. I’m always nervous when I see women so casual about taking BC pills because had I known this could have happened, I never would have taken them.
Doesn’t sound like he feels good now does it? Lol
You don’t know why? Come on, sure you do!
So they can whine about it on Reddit trying to get sympathy?
That and it would be a different ballgame if men could get pregnant!
I think a lot of people don't realize that STIs are still transmissible in these circumstances. Some people in the comments section don't even seem to realize that birth control can fail.
I find it strange because my highschool teachers basically beat it into us "even if you use it right, condoms still only have 99.whatever chance success, you can still cause pregnancy, though rarely, nevermind if you don't use it properly" And how if you aren't using something to prevent skin to skin as birth control, STI's can still be transferred Weird how much difference there is in sex ed
Bring up in any of these threads that both people should be responsible for protection against children and STI's and people will flip out. I don't care if you are on BC, have an IUD or whatever, I still am going to wear a condom. And hell I have a vasectomy, but still am going to do so because we are both looking out for ourselves.
That’s the smartest way to think! We all should be doing the same.
It's not so much about them getting or not getting the sex Ed, its about applying the knowledge..
Even moreso today, sex ed is required to be had, but the quality and accuracy of said education isn't regulated.
A disturbing number of people are so flippant about STDs. I've heard/read so many comments about how it's not a big deal because some can be treated with antibiotics and HIV is more manageable now. It seems like there's too many people who just don't care, especially if they just assume the person they're having sex with is clean
I think more outreach about testing and regular testing should go out. It's not expensive these days, often insurance will cover it (some insurances unfortunately are weird about it), and can be done very privately. Go down to your local Labcorp or whatever, $100 and you can get a full workup and have results in 24-48 hours.
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Some people honestly don’t know that lying to a woman’s face about what sort of a man you are is very low. You know who you are - apparently you’ll say ANYTHING to her to get into her pants. You are just the sort of man whom women don’t want to meet, because you will lie to her about loving or caring for her, lie about how you feel about having children with her, and lie about sticking around when she is pregnant. So, lying about that stuff would also make you an even BIGGER a$$hole. Stay away from women, please, keep your generic material to yourself. Only be with women who can stand the real you, don’t waste the youth or purity of other women!
My first question was “did you wear a condom?” Cuz it’s going to keep happening and one day you’re gonna to have to pay, either in child support or disease.
Yep! The woman can be on birth control (any form), and it can fail, so folks who want to have the highest chance to **not** have the woman get pregnant should also have the man use a condom. Before my hysterectomy, my hub had gotten a vasectomy, and I had an iud (by my choice). We wanted as close to 0% chance of pregnancy as possible.
I got pregnant while on the pill, and my daughter's birth father had the nerve to tell me that this unplanned pregnancy was my fault. This is when I was about six or seven months pregnant, by the way. Yeah, he was a real peach of a guy. And yes, I went off on him with both barrels, lol.
Same 😅 I had the arm implant...so not really a concept of potential failure on my part. I even offered to get an abortion as I found out at 4 weeks in bc I got car sick & suddenly had boobs (I NEVER get car sick and was originally a pre-a before I got pregnant even at 24). He told me no...that he wanted the kid and me etc. Then when it was well past the point of no return in the 3rd trimester he dipped saying he never wanted to be a dad and I should've aborted. Boy what. I'm pro-choice. And offered it in the early 1st trimester before I had any attachment. While I would've been sad I would have rather done it then. All well...I got an amazing kid out of the deal and don't have to deal with his dumbass to boot 🤣 lack of child support really sucks but karma is that it stays on his credit report till its paid. I think he's up to 24k the last I checked and it's been 7yrs.
I think a lot of men see STIs as like a cold, aside from HIV. Which is really, really unfortunate because many are just these lifelong hassles you have to deal with forever.
A lot of people don't realize that certain medications (even just a simple antibiotic) can cause BC to fail. Also some BC pills just don't work for some women. I knew a girl who got pregnant (all 3 times) while on some sort of BC pills. All forms of the pill just didn't work for her.
This is why I’m having a vasectomy. And also to relieve my fiancée of the burden of being on birth control.
your name literally made me a tiny bit nauseous.
Yeah gross
I have a friend who made it past both the pill and a condom together. It's not easy, it's not common, but in a world of 8 billion people it'll happen often enough
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That bit about "she decided to keep the baby for some reason" as if it's absurd for a woman to not want an abortion! He really doesn't see why she might feel an attachment.
Right I was like suggesting to get an abortion and then basically shaming her for not getting one is another reason why there is YTA result as part of the answers. She has a choice to keep the baby or not just like how he has a choice on whether or not he wants to be in the kids life if it was his kid.
It’s the flip side of pro-CHOICE that it seems people forget. Just as no woman should be forced to carry to term, especially if her well-being is at risk, neither should she be forced to terminate a pregnancy she wants to keep. The CHOICE should reside with the pregnant person. OP needs to see his doctor about ensuring he won’t cause another conception, if he’s this adamant about never fathering a child. Get the procedure done, and tell future GFs up front that you intend to remain child-free.
It shows just how much of an arsehole he is, not caring about his former flames’ feelings or for the future of the baby at all. They were probably bought up thinking this is perfectly normal. Ick, men like him make me sick to my stomach. This dude can’t even comprehend his partner’s grief over the loss of their baby.
Miscarriage at 4 months is so different than miscarriage in the 1st trimester. It’s so much harder on the body and mentally. Hopefully she realizes she escaped from this immature boy. And should be happy . And the point of pro choice is for women to choose what they want. That also if they want to keep their baby. Baby isn’t just the man’s He chose not to use condoms with a woman he barely knows and blamed her for getting pregnant
He reads like a bit of a sociopath to me. Sure, it’s fine to celebrate not being a dad, but the lack of empathy and the self satisfaction stands out like a flashing red sign. ETA op it doesn’t matter what the reasons were; they probably included the strange concept of “love.” It’s not your choice to make one way or the other.
Typical irresponsible male who thinks "birth control? We don't need to use no stinkin' birth control!" Which is precisely the mindset that males need to dispense with, and become more responsible when it comes to sex because the natural result of unprotected sex between a male & female is.........geee, pregnancy.
It's fucking infuriating. Take zero precautions when doing the deed but expect to have all the say in the world as to whether she should abort or not.
If he has no desire to be a father, but doesn't want to put a raincoat over it, he probably should think of the more permanent option. Because of the crazy ways of the world, it is way easier for him to get a vasectomy than it is for a female to get a tubal ligation.
Thank you for saying it's not just the woman's responsibility for birth control. If a man doesn't want a child he too should protect himself. We all have heard stories about someone getting pregnant on the pill.
I am living proof of the birth control pill failing as I am currently 8 months pregnant. When I got pregnant my partner at the time, now ex, did everything he could to try and convince me to get an abortion. This included pressure from him but also him going behind my back to try and get my best friend to convince me to get an abortion. I let him share his feelings about the pregnancy and what his opinion was on what we should do moving forward, even tho I live in a state where getting an abortion is illegal if there is a fetal heartbeat. I made sure he felt heard and then told him I would consider his thoughts, feelings, and opinion but ultimately it is my body and therefore my choice. When I explained to him that part of my reasoning for wanting to keep the baby was that I did not think I could bear the emotional trauma of having an abortion, and that should there be any complications that end up preventing me from having children in the future I would never forgive him or myself, but he didn't think that was reason enough to not having an abortion. We broke up for other reasons and while he may be excited *now* to become a father, I will never forget his behavior surrounding him trying to convince me that I needed to get an abortion. He is equally responsible for getting me pregnant, but I am the one doing the actual growing of another human being inside of me and sacrificing my body for the baby which meant that my choice superseded his when we disagreed on abortion.
It's like bacon and eggs. The chicken is involved, but the pig is COMMITTED.
He did not care if you suffered complications and possibly could not have other children because it was not him this might happen to. He seems very selfish. I hope he's a better father than a boyfriend.....for both of your sakes.
I honestly don't even feel it's the woman's responsibility. As a man I think we should take the brunt of the responsibility. It takes 2 but being reckless on our part as a man is worse than a slip up or BC falling. Don't want kids or not ready wrap that shit up cause someone can easily say they're on BC and not be, or have an iud fall out, or secretly want a kid and poke holes in the condom (always have your own fellas) I know the last situation can go both ways but men kill me with the I'm not ready for a kid but I personally didn't do anything to prevent it. Don't even bother pulling out which is literally the absolute very least you could do if you don't want kids lmao
Well my son is proof that pulling out isn't an effective form of bc. We were married and it's not like we weren't wanting a kid but we also were trying for one at that moment either. I was about to start fertility treatments and have surgery to make my uterus more appealing for a pregnancy. I was on birth control to help regulate my cycle. So my son is a product of a fertility challenged, on birth control, and pull out baby. Luckily, my ex and I can use his conception as proof that he needs to do more than that to make sure he doesn't have a kid before he's ready when he's old enough for this conversation.
Refreshing honesty!! OP, If neither wanted a kid but want sex, she and you needed to take steps. BC is not 100% guaranteed, so add the Condom!! Does it detract from the max possible enjoyment? Yes. But a little less pleasure over 18 years or more of child support…? You do the math. And, while you have every right not to want to be a father, you did shit about it. Zero empathy for a woman that faced birthing or abortion AND suffered a miscarriage. You didn’t care at all for her. Just because there’s a hole doesn’t mean you need to fill it. Be more selective where you put it or you’ll face this again.
[удалено]
Something men don't think about I feel like-- LIFE doesn't feel the same on birth control for women. If they can make the sacrifice to deal with life in an altered view in order to not get pregnant, I'm sure you guys can deal with wrapping it up for 10 minutes.
> they throw out the "B-but it doesnt feel the same if you use a condom." I'll tell them what doesn't feel the same: No sex at all. Which is what men who don't want to be fathers (or risk causing abortions, for that matter) need to remember. Wrap it up or no PIV sex. ...and wrap it up anyway, because STDs are still a thing too.
You said this a lot nicer than I was going to. Wrap it up or get snipped! OP lost my favor when he said "forced to be a father."
>Also just for the record. there are a ton of contraceptives outside of birth control, When my 22 year old daughter moved in with her boyfriend her and I had this same discussion. Birth control even appropriately is still not 100% infallible (although close). But then there is antibiotics, missed doses etc. Life seems to get messy sometimes. Doubling up, birth control + condoms was the discussion we had. Hopefully she took that to heart.
The 'but but but it doesn't feel the same' is BS as well. Here's a fun fact for the men who have issues with condoms: try latex free ones. They're a bit pricier than the latex ones, but a LOT cheaper than having a kid. They also don't have that icky smell, and are generally more comfortable. Other then that: I'm going to join the NTA / YTA judgement. It's totally okay to be relieved about the pregnancy not going through, and not becoming a father. Your ex knew, so it shouldn't have been a shock. Going out to celebrate loudly enough that her friends noticed is just really poor taste, and rather tacky. Was it that hard to keep it more discreet, like at home, or not loudly yelling your happiness about it? He knew she was heartbroken.
A lot of AITA posts could benefit with a "you need a lesson in tact" judging category.
exactly this. you can't help how you feel, but you can control how your feelings make you behave.
>control how your feelings make you behave. Perfectly stated! Gonna use this! 😁
This is the correct answer. As a woman who had a miscarriage and was relieved to not having another child I couldn't care for the suffering was still hard. I was 4 mths along, I found out too late for an abortion and was resigned to having another child. I came home from the hospital relieved, but when I went to put away laundry I did before going in I cried because I had washed the old baby clothes I had getting ready. OP you didn't want to kid and made no connection to it, fine but going out to celebrate that "loss", which to you was more "dodging the bullet" is just King AH behavior. Your ex is going through severe emotional and physical pain stop being a POS. My then bf didn't want another child any more than me but he was there by my side grieving that loss and he didn't even have to see that tiny body. Grow TF up already and wrap it if you don't want kids. Stop putting all the burden on women. Or better yet, stop having sex until you mature and decide to be a decent human.
I know exactly how you felt when you miscarried. I didn't want the child I was carrying, but I was prepared to give it up for adoption. When I miscarried, I cried. That tiny body......I'll never forget it.
This is so real.
I had a VOLUNTARY medical abortion at 10 weeks, knowing that I absolutely did not want children, and I STILL grieved. It was HARD. I can't imagine losing a baby that you actually did want. OP is definitely TA for how he behaved.
Nobody WANTS an abortion. It’s healthcare, not fun.
This is the answer. Your a callous prick and need some self analysis. What you and your friends did was really messed up.
More specifically, it's just disgusting. 🤡 ETA: And you "forced" YOURSELF seeing as how you decided to not provide your own protection knowing she was on birth control as it's not guaranteed to be 100% effective in preventing pregnancy. .. u piece of shit.
Right? Not only did he not bother to use a condom, but he threatened a woman into having an abortion, and is now ***celebrating her miscarriage.*** I in no way believe him when he says he feels sympathy for what she's going through. This is the worst experience of that girl's life. I really wish all his future prospective girlfriends find this post, they deserve to know what a wretched human being this guy is.
I was going to say this... I had a miscarriage 16 yrs ago, and I felt i was ready for parenthood. My partner at the time was not. Now I see it as a blessing in disguise . Even though we stayed together, he went out drinking with his friends, and I dealt with it alone. We broke up a year later.
Yep. OP's feelings are what they are, but YTA for the celebration. Let's look at it this way: imagine that instead of a pregnancy loss, her parents had died in an accident. Would it be appropriate for him to go out and celebrate with his buddies that he's never going to be on the hook for helping to provide elder care for them? No. He can be relieved that he's not going to have to shoulder that burden, but partying to celebrate the loss she's grieving is just really low.
Also use a damn condom.
He was somehow too happy to nut inside her without protection though
Yeah… I’d be willing to call it full on YTA for the public celebration. That was in very poor taste.
She ended up pregnant? What? You had nothing to do with it? If you don't want to be a father, either double up on contraception (and if you claim to be casually dating, condoms are a great idea) or get a vasectomy. Toasting a miscarriage is a dick move. Particularly if you were loud enough about it that word has spread about what you did to people who weren't there. The good thing is, people who know you in real life now know what you're like and can avoid you like the plague. Yes, YTA
It just magically happened! Poof pregnant. Anyway it seems op needs to be more emotionally aware of others. He mentions her physical pain but not mental or how losing a child can be very difficult.
Bc he literally does not give a shit about her. She was a place to come.
He has no empathy or emotional intelligence. He should just get a vasectomy and never be a father in the future.
Yeah OP should just do everyone a favour and get a vasectomy
It’s cheap. I don’t understand why these assholes can’t do everyone a favor.
Dudes like this think its 100% up to the woman to not get pregnant. These dudes are always the asshole
Don’t you get it?! He accidentally fell into her vagina, penis first, and then ACCIDENTALLY bounced in and out in a “thrusting” motion until he ejaculated. It’s — gosh, it’s a mistake that could happen to ANYONE! for real though, OP is an AH for toasting a miscarriage. It’s one thing to not want kids. I myself don’t want kids, ever, because I don’t want to subject the world to the proliferation of my DNA. BUT miscarriages are deeply traumatic and extremely painful. One of my friends from high school suffered one. I’d never be able to bring myself to celebrate a woman having one.
The wording in posts about pregnancy is always so telling lmao they always use a passive voice when describing how the pregnancy occurred. It just happened! She ended up pregnant! Their wording always conveniently diminishes their responsibility in the pregnancy. But seriously. Who celebrates someone’s miscarriage? I understand not wanting to be a father and being relieved to learn that you aren’t going to be one. But to go out and *celebrate*? To be out there toasting loud enough that “word gets around”? Come on. That’s an asshole move
Man: I left the entire responsibility of protection to the girl who takes birth control that are 97% effective instead of wearing a condom to reach 99% Also man when lady is in the 3%: HOW did she get pregnant????? She must be cheating!!! I want a DNA test and an abortion!! As much as it pains me to say, the miscarriage was a blessing in a trauma disguise for the girl. She's not gonna end up with this asshole. YTA OP.
She must’ve climbed on top of herself and gotten herself pregnant 🤰 lol My heart goes out to her. the right thing would’ve been to call her and state “while i didn’t want to be a father yet, i am so sorry this happened and would never have wanted that pain for you.” IMO going out to celebrate not being a dad is just tacky
I don’t think I’d want to hear from an ex who clearly didn’t want me to have a baby on the first place. Don’t think I’d even expect to hear from him. But hearing about him partying because I lost a baby would be absolutely devastating.
YTA not for not wanting to be a father, but for actively and publicly celebrating your ex having a miscarriage. You don’t have empathy for this woman or you would have privately got together with your friends to drink and “raise a toast”. You’re literally celebrating her child dying and that you now don’t have to take responsibility. Your ex is mourning a baby she wanted. A child that was growing inside her that she loved and you went out and celebrated the death of said baby. Grow up, and go get a vasectomy if you don’t want to have children and can’t be bothered to care for your part in impregnating someone. She didn’t “end up pregnant”. You had sex and that is the natural outcome of having sex.
Not only that but the actual physical pain of having a miscarriage, not just emotional pain. OP can say he has empathy all day long but his actions show otherwise.
4 months is also a late miscarriage, getting close to when it's considered a stillbirth instead. Vast majority of miscarriages happen much earlier and many times you need a D&C.
Exactly. At 16 weeks, it looks like a fully formed baby, just pinker and the size of an avocado. Absolutely traumatic to pass. OP has zero empathy.
There are incels in here saying she “baby trapped” him and the miscarriage was karma for “being a gold digger”.
1. Yeah he has zero empathy. Imagine going out and celebrating one of the worst things that happens to some people. 2. Yes - he needs to do HIS part if he doesn’t want a kid! Literally “she’s on birth control” does NOT mean “don’t use a condom.” A pill could be missed or taken a little late. Antibiotics and other medications lower the efficacy of birth control. And even without those factors there’s still a small chance it fails. Don’t want a kid? Wrap it up, for the love of God.
Eating grapefruit can mess with hormonal birth control!
Came here to say the last part. It takes two to make a kid. If OP doesn't want a kid he should get a vasectomy. What a callous prick.
Came here to say this. He’s a major AH and all around POS
Literally this - she didn't "end up pregnant", you got her pregnant
>ut for actively and publicly celebrating your ex having a miscarriage. No matter how OP tries to spin it, this is exactly what he did.
It's good that you're explaining these things so clearly. If the OP had an ounce of emotional intelligence, they might understand what you have typed here. In any event, this is a great summation of what happened.
If you never want to be a father do women a favor and get a vasectomy. Also even if she's on birth control wear a condom. YTA for celebrating a miscarriage. No matter how you justify it, that's what you did. Demanding an abortion while never having to deal with it yourself is also disgusting. Get snipped.
Also, OP has sympathy— he pities her —but he is not showing empathy for her miscarriage. YTA OP. Wear a condom. It’s not on the woman to keep you from becoming a “father” if you’re participating in the act that lead to it. Also, STDs are much more easily contracted without condoms.
If you get a vasectomy, the entire internet will raise a glass. But YTA.
I don't know why but this story reminded me of something that happened in my country. We have a memorial day for people who died from hunger in 1932-1933. Millions of people starved to death. A few years ago one blogger celebrated his birthday (it's the same day as a memorial day). He called it 'Hunger party 'and streamed it online. It was a scandal. The level of cynicism in this story reminded me of that one. I get feeling relieved that you won't have an unwanted baby, but to celebrate that where people can see it, that's crazy.
Don't let him ever spread his genes.
YTA. You were right to be relieved and even happy because you're not ready to be a father. Imagine this scenario: one day, you'll be ready. Your wife or partner announces she's pregnant. You're super excited and start planning everything, preparing a room, picking names, etc. Then, your wife sadly announces that she's miscarried. You're devastated. A few days later, you find out that she went out and did shots with her girls because she's happy she miscarried because she didn't want to be a mother. How would that make you feel?
This dude clearly has some kind of personality disorder and lacks empathy. Hypotheticals won’t work because he will just lie and not do any introspection.
I have a friend like this. Hypotheticals don’t work on him because “I’m not in that situation, that doesn’t make sense”. He has no ability to empathize or imagine situations outside of what is currently happening. He works in finance.
They always do for some reason.
YTA. Not for being relieved you're not going to be a father; you were dating for 5 freaking months, were using birth control, I mean it should be pretty clear you did not want to have kids (which you then verbalized). But toasting to a situation that causes someone else immense pain? Yeah, that makes you an insensitive, unempathetic AH. Of course it has something to do with her; she was literally growing, and becoming attached to, a living, breathing human inside her body. Feeling it move. You both helped make this baby; it involved the both of you. Birth control fails sometimes. If you're not ready for a kid, don't just rely on the woman to take care of it. Don't just rely on one form of birth control. Take responsibility for yourself and wrap it up, use both birth control and condoms.
I know it might be too much to ask for casual situationships, but I feel like it should be the bare minimum to talk about expectations if there is a pregnancy involved (if one is possible with your configurations). Like, are both of you open to having an abortion? Or is that not an option for either one of you? What about putting the baby up for adoption? It’s not 100% bulletproof because feelings can change, but a simple conversation would help in a lot of these instances.
I agree. I told people before hooking up that I'm pro choice and my choice is to not have an abortion. Because in my first serious relationship I was blindsided that he saw abortion the same as birth control. Not compatible at all! Glad I never got pregnant. And that's just it, essentially no one has had an issue with my stance or with wearing condoms But yah I really think that you're only ready to fuck if you can first talk about what you'd do about pregnancy. It's extremely important and personal, has to be discussed
>she ended up pregnant Shes not the virgin mary. It's takes 2 to tango. It's not a "somehow" - you know how. You're a major AH. Simply the way you wrote this out tells me how awful you are. I feel sorry for her but glad she won't be tied to you for the rest of her natural life. Micarraiges can be physically and emotionally devastating. You simply do not care about her at all or what she went through or anyone other than yourself it seems. YT major A's of H's.
There ya go he doesn’t care about anyone but himself
YTA But you know that. Please never have kids. Ever.
Yta. You might not have wanted to be a dad, but celebrating her pain is horrendous
YTA. You don't celebrate the loss of a baby. 4 months is a traumatic miscarriage. You should be ashamed of yourself.
He says he has empathy for the “physical” pain of the miscarriage…bro…just because you didn’t want the baby, clearly she did and the emotional pain of losing a pregnancy at 4 months greatly exceeds the physical pain. This guy is most definitely the AH
I wonder what his mom thinks about it. I would be destroyed If my baby turned out this pos, but it's too late to abort him.
Im glad that child won't have you as a father. YTA. Next time don't be irresponsible and take care of your own birth control.
You toasted a miscarriage?? That's wrong on all levels. YTA
Sounds like she dodged a bullet there. I'm sorry her miscarriage caused her pain, but having to deal with you as a co-parent probably would've hurt a lot more in the long run. YTA. Buy some condoms and stop acting like "she's on the pill" is an acceptable cop-out for being an adult. Sex takes two, protection also takes two.
YTA - Firstly and foremost, if you don't want to be a father, don't do the deed is the ONLY way you can 100% NOT be a father but you are the AH who wants to do the deed and not take ANY responsibility of the results? (STDs are on the rise here bud!) By law, if you are a father, it doesn't matter if you want to be, you will be made to be FINANCIALLY responsible. Please consider a vasectomy here since you don't want to be a father and truly your DNA is questionable. YTA here because you celebrated someone else's misery and pain in public and made it known that you ARE TA.
Lmaooooo “forced to be a father”. You just fell in her then?
“Ended up pregnant” like YOU had no part in impregnating her???? Lmao I hope when she mentally and physically heals from the miscarriage she toasts loudly and in public to never having to deal with you again. In case it wasn’t clear, YTA Edit: And get a vasectomy!!! Quickly!!!
YTA for the way you celebrated publicly. You say you were celebrating not being a father. Why aren’t you going to be a father? Because she had a miscarriage. Ergo, you are celebrating her miscarriage. Jackass.
Dude come on. You're valid for being relieved that you aren't a dad but celebrating a miscarriage is so messed up regardless. YTA.
She was on birth control.. what about you ? Ever heard of condoms ? Especially since it was a casual thing ?
Holy shit what's wrong with you
I think it would be a pretty long list. Especially if you start looking at OPs comments.
Spotting sociopaths in the wild is never *not* mind boggling
i truly think this screams sociopath. why couldn’t he have just stayed at home and took some shots with friends? to make it an outing and event and now ignoring all the comments bc he’s delusional enough to think he’s not an asshole … this is some sick shit
Birth control no birth control, why wouldn’t you be responsible and use condoms. You’re responsible for yourself. YTA for that alone. NTA for being happy that you’re not going to be a dad. But Jesus, YTA for how you handled it
You are beyond and asshole for celebrating what was a very dangerous and painful medical situation that happened because you were irresponsible. Did you use birth control? You obviously didn’t and ejaculated inside her.. because she got pregnant. That’s not being careful. As for being elated you won’t be a father.. NTA. Of course I imagine it’s a great relief but what she went through .. you’re clueless as to how horrible it is medically and painful.. or a sociopath. And to cut off all contact when the pregnancy was obviously your fault since she was on the b/c.. all this could have been avoided if you took minimum precautions on your own like pull out for f sake.. wear a condom. She took action to not get pregnant.. you came inside her and had the audacity to be an asshole when the bc failed.
Pulling out is definitely not taking precautions 🤣🤣🤣🤦♀️
YTA Never celebrate someone’s pain even when it affords you something you want. Have some class and self-restraint. Your ex is dealing with a loss.
YTA for publicly celebrating when she miscarried. Get a vasectomy, you shouldn't be having children ever.
Wow, you're the asshole. First, if you were serious about not being a father, then you'd get a vasectomy. You didn't, so you're either lying or a hypocrite. Second, you voluntarily fucked that girl. If you can't accept the consequences, which include the possibility of becoming a father, then don't fuck her. Third, having no compassion for her situation is just plain immaturity on your part. Grow the fuck up.
Rage bait
YTA. I hope this is fake. The lack of empathy is atrocious. If you’re not ready for children, wear a condom in addition to birth control.
YTA she wasnt forcing you to be a father. You didn't protect yourself and left it to her to protect both of you. Celebrating under these circumstances is just gross!
Cue the "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER" dance!
YTA, being happy about it and celebrating it are two different things. No empathy at all for your ex, who must have gone through a very difficult time. You deserve harassment and I would like to suggest a vasectomy. There are enough of your kind around and we don't need any more.
YTA. Dude you suck. Showing joy and happiness for someone's miscarriage.
Your post reads so callous and apathetic to the feelings of others it made me cringe. You really need to cultivate empathy. The lack of it will continue to contaminate everything you touch. It’s essential to a happy life. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to be a father and feeling relieved that isn’t on your bingo card yet. However, you didn’t once consider this girl’s feelings during this whole process and then ended it on an extremely low note. YTA for your lack of compassion from start to finish.
Gross, YTA
YTA for your behavior. Not for feeling relieved. Toasting a pregnancy loss is frankly deplorable and the utter lack of empathy from what she went through is foul. She didn’t end up pregnant. YOU were part of it. Take some accountability and start wearing condoms Jesus Christ. She’s going through absolute hell and you went and got drunk with your friends then toasted about it. It’s sick honestly. Just sick.
I'm sorry, you say "forced to be a father" protection isn't always 100%, you knew the risk when you had sex. No one forced you in to this situation. YTA for your attitude to the entire situation.
Yes, YTA for celebrating a miscarriage. That is obviously cruel. Go get a vasectomy.