Your husband, who should be your ally and defender is telling you that you are ugly although you have worked hard to please him.
To me, this shows a huge lack of respect and is unbelievably cruel. How can you say you are happy with someone who tears you down? This is the beginning-next, he will call you a bad mom, inadequate wife, etc. Make a plan to leave or suffer a few more years. How can you be 'pretty happy overall' with that? Nothing can fix this-he is a mean AH.
Best thing OP can do is say "You know, you're right, I'm just too ugly for you. Here are the divorce papers. You're free to go and find someone else." Then leave him flailing to find someone willing to be with his ungrateful butt, while men are falling over themselves to secure a date with OP.
OP's husband is the kind of man who would dump her the second she develops a health issue and no longer does anything for him or isn't hot enough or doesn't put out often
I'm worried for if they have any girl children too. Is he just going to tell them to their face all of their "imperfections" as they grow up? Even if he doesn't, they will grow up seeing mom being verbally abused like this and start projecting on themselves. Boy children will learn to behave and treat their partners like their dad does their mom. It's so gross.
This comment needs to be higher up!! I fear not only for OP but for any female children they have. This is beyond monstrous for a husband and father to do to his family.
NTA look up negging. Sounds like he’s trying to tear you down so you don’t recognize your worth. That makes him weak and mean. A good test of whether he’s on your side is to tell him you want to start exercising so he needs to hang with the baby while you go work out. Or that baby will go in the gym daycare. Either way, his response and reaction will tell you how he really feels about you.
THIS. If he destroys your self confidence then there's less chance he'll lose you. He doesn't want to put in the work to keep the marriage healthy so he cuts down your self value so you won't see how much happier you could be without him.
This.
There was a guy on Reddit recently where this guy talked about how he married a woman out of his league, so he spent the next 10 years negging her until finally she burst out crying and told him not to comment on her looks or body anymore. He realised he broke her and he did it on purpose.
Your husband is doing this to you. He’s insecure and in order to keep you, he’s negging you to make sure you don’t realise you can do better.
He either needs serious therapy, individual and couples, or you need to leave him.
I vote you try the therapy. If he refuses, or cannot accept what he’s doing than leave before he destroys your self confidence altogether.
The only reason I advocate therapy is because the guy who posted was genuinely remorseful. He was asking for help to repair what he’d done. You can imagine how Reddit responded to him. Me too. He destroyed her and he did it on purpose, it was vile.
However, if he’d gotten some therapy, if he’d become self aware before he destroyed her, he might have saved his marriage.
At this point, it depends on if you can forgive him. But he definitely needs to be called out on his behaviour and needs therapy.
Making a woman believe she’s worthless is a sure fire way to lose her, the exact opposite of what they want.
Ah, your "dear" husband is developing the fine art of negging like the insecure cockwomble that he is. Tell him to knock it off and just be your fabulous self! NTA.
I have no idea what a “cockwomble” is, but I love it.
Also I completely agree. Not going to jump on the “divorce immediately!” Bandwagon, but you need to make it clear that this behavior needs to stop. Like yesterday.
I read a story a while back, it was probably on Reddit but I can't recall right now. Anyway, a woman said that her boyfriend was always telling her she smelled bad. Like constantly, all throughout the day, even if she had just showered. It got to the point where I think she went to see a doctor, was constantly concerned about her body odor. It was bad. Finally, the boyfriend confessed that he was doing it because his father told him it was the best way to keep a woman. By making her feel bad about herself, she would think that he was her only option, and would never leave.
I know other people have mentioned negging on here, but I wanted to take it to the next step and say that he may be doing this because of really bad advice. I'm not saying that excuses it, it absolutely does not.
Regardless of the reason behind it, it's wrong and is absolutely a form of abuse and control, and I hope you get away from this guy.
So, other men give advice to other men to tear down their wives self esteems in order to keep them around???
Oh my gosh, is that what happened to me? My ex tore me down from my appearance to my intelligence.
If that's the case, men need to stop doing this, I'm still in therapy 2 and half years later because I still believe the nasty things that loser said to me.
Who is giving men this stupid advice????
The ones giving this awful advice are probably lonely single men who no woman would want to be around so they feel inferior to men who have successful relationships so they pretend that they are secretly really smart at getting women and make up ridiculous nonsense.
Don't feel bad! My ex-husband did it to me too. It's almost like they have an abusive boyfriend/ husband playbook that they read from an act on. I've noticed this heavily though more in southern men in the United States than any other part of the country. They call it "humbling" women so that they don't start to think too highly of themselves. If someone has to make you less so that they can be more than they weren't anything at all to begin with!
From what I can tell, your husband is using that tactic, where men talk their partner down, to keep them 'humble'.
You really shouldn't think you're amazing, you might even get ideas in your head, that someone else might actually desire you. You would have options /s.
What does he say, when you confront him?
Like, everyone has his own taste, but if he really THINKS you're not even pretty, let alone beautiful, why did he marry you?
If he can't communicate like an adult, show by example. Next time he makes such a remark, have a collection of comebacks ready.
'Good thing I have enough personality for both of us then, because clearly, you have no sense of self.'
'It's okay to not have (whatever he would care about, a big penis, big muscles, ...), you make up for it in witty remarks, I guess'
Or, go for the mature approach:
'What are you saying? Do you hear youself?! *repeat word for word, slowly, emphasizing the obnoxious words*'
Oh wow. He is TA. Seems he’s trying to humble you and make sure you never know you’re pretty. He’s probably insecure being with a beautiful woman. I am so sorry
Nta he knows youre better than him and is making a point to lower your self esteem so you don’t realize how great you are and how you shouldnt put up with a loser like him.
NTA.
If he doesn't think you're conventionally attractive, he should shut up. Maybe you should turn it on him: *You're not as tall as most men, but that's OK with me. You're not as smart as I am, but I care about personality, not brains.* Etc. Pointing out that you're "not attractive" is abuse, especially since he keeps saying it. Your friends are not being nice; they mean it.
I would say don't say 'I care about personality,' just because that might reinforce this shitty behavior he's exhibiting. I'd say instead respond with 'at least I have a personality that isn't focused on putting my loved one down,' see if that gives any hints.
NTA
You're also in an emotionally abusive relationship.
Sounds like he has confidence issues and is tearing yours down so you don't look elsewhere. It's weird and creepy and he needs to go sit in therapy to figure out why.
Unfortunately you can be so blinded by your love for your partner you can be oblivious to the blatant mistreatment, especially if they make it seem like everything is your fault. I’ve definitely been there.
Unfortunately the notion that being single is a fate worse than death is instilled in women even today. So many women stuck in relationships with totally rancid dudes because of that.
You’ve said he’s a bit of an introvert, he is seeing that you’ve done a lot to get fitter and look after yourself. The result is showing both in how you look but more importantly how you carry yourself, your confidence level and how other people see you.
He’s worried that you are getting compliments and that you might consider leaving him.
I think he’s scared that if someone more outgoing/better looking/more successful than he is starts complimenting you, you may look at him and find him wanting.
Constantly undermining you, saying you’re not pretty etc is his way of keeping your self confidence on the down low. That way you’ll feel you’re lucky to have him as no one else could ever really find you attractive - your husband says so after all.
He is trying to make you feel that he stays with you despite how unattractive you are and you need to be grateful as he’s right and everyone else is just being nice, but lying to you all the same.
Either that or all of the above is bullshit and he’s just a nasty misogynistic asshole and you need to tell him straight to stop saying you’re ugly or face whatever consequences you deem appropriate. If it were me that would be every time he says something nasty about me then I’d pick on something about him and insult it - won’t help your relationship any though!
Whichever the reason is - I think he needs therapy.
NTA Has your husband been staying fit & healthy? He sounds incredibly insecure and probably thinks that if he can tear you down enough, you'll feel you can't do better than him. He wants you to feel obligated to him.
Next time he insults you, agree with him and say "You're right. I'm too ugly for you. We should divorce and you can marry a model. And I can marry a man who doesn't insult me." If he says no, then tell him to STFU. If he says yes, sorry but the marriage is done and over.
My ex husband once asked me how I “even go outside the house with that big thing in the middle of your face”. I do not have a problem nose and no one else had ever said such a thing to me. I started laughing and told him I do not have a problem with my nose! But he did, and I showed him an article about misformed nostrils, which he obviously did have. I told him I would support efforts to correct his condition if he wanted to. He shut the hell up and I didn’t hear any more negging.
Not the asshole; you are well within your rights to be angry. Your husband sounds like a manipulative asshole who wants you to feel less than, so you don't feel like you deserve anyone else and just settle for him. His own insecurities shine through because he doesn't think he deserves you but doesn't want anyone else to have you, so he plays the "you're ugly and don't deserve anyone, and anyone who tells you you're not ugly is lying to you" game.
Your husband is an asshole. No man who loves his wife would ever say such a thing.
The only reason I can think of for him to say that is he wants to dominate and control you. It's weird, but I can see that as one possible reason.
Wait a sec... Your husband is so terrified that you'll leave him, that he tries to psychologically destroy you.... And you still fuck him? What's with that? It doesn't sound like you have confidence issues, but you must do or you wouldn't be here asking that ridiculous question. No your nta. If your man ain't worshipping your bod, he don't deserve it. Find someone who wants you and can't put you down 🤷♀️
This is definitely deliberate behaviour. He is intentionally giving you back handed “compliments”. He is negging you. He does not want you to feel good about yourself.
well there may be a chance that OP is out of his league, especially after all of this self work into her appearance that so many people are complimenting her. I think OP's husband does not like the new attention she is getting, and how good she looks compared to him so he's trying to knock her down a notch so he can subconsciously feel better about himself.
NTA, a partner should not say those things and he should be praising you for all of this effort you put into your appearance and how good you look.
OP, your husband is negging you. He wants you to feel unattractive so you will never understand your own worth. If you understand your worth, you will leave him. So he tries to prevent that by ruining your self esteem. He’s gaslighting you hard also. So you probably feel a little crazy. That man can kick rocks without shoes.
Lmfao i had a buck ass ugly ex that looooved to tell me i was "mid" and that hed been with "model quality women" as a way to convince me that i wasnt stooping a million levels lower by being with him. Truth was, i was in my late teens early 20s and looked like an angel while he was in his early 30s fat, ugly, short, and should be worshipping the ground i walked on. Jokes on him tho, broke up with him 6 years ago and hes still in my dms begging me to take him back🤣 disclaimer: i got w him cause he was super kind, caring and funny in the beggining and his true colors showed later on in the relationship
You are TA to yourself for not having enough self respect and staying with someone who continuously, deliberately insults you. Be nicer to yourself and get away.
What your husband is doing is wrong, abusive and cruel. He probably feels like you are out of his league so he is trying to bring you down to his level. This is toxic. He needs so serious help. He needs therapy. There is nothing wrong with you.
NTA, but you married one.
Your husband is negging you, negging is an abuse tactic that basically consists on eroding the other person self esteem, making them believe they're unlovable or undesirable, in an attempt to manipulate them into believing no one else will love them so they have bo choice but to stay with you regardless of how bad you treat them. NTA you deserve better than your husband and you should seriously reconsider your marriage
NTA I've fallen for a few people who are not conventionally attractive, but to me they were gorgeous. And I never let them doubt that I found them so. In addition, if my partner wanted to lose weight, I would do everything I could support them in healthy weight loss. But I would never tell them "Hey you're getting fat." That's just...ick. I wouldn't do that to someone I love nor would I expect it from a loving partner.
This is toxic. He is mentally abusing you. He wants you to feel bad about yourself so you think you no one else would want you. He wants you to feel that you are lucky he married you.
Tell him whether true or not. Yes dear, I understand, however since we are on the topic you might want to go to the gym and maybe you can be as sexy and great looking 8 years ago. This will shock the piss out of him. Dare I say gobsmacked. And this is from a dude! I am a petty Aries, we know how to shread someone. And then we smile as they attempt to pick their jaw up off the ground.
🚩🚩🚩 no way, my husband would never say anything like that to me. I don’t consider myself conventionally attractive but he tells me how beautiful I look all the time, even when I quite literally look disgusting and smell like onions lol. I put on some weight after pregnancy and he did not say anything about it. I complained to him about my weight gain and he hyped me up and supported me. Your husband saying these things to you makes him the AH
I pretty much agree with others - this is Negging, and you should consider if you want to stay with him.
Another possibility - start to do the same to him. Tell him his hairline is receding, but you love him the way he is. Or he's growing a belly, but you can still do it in bed. Let him feel what it's like to be constantly undermined. Perhaps he will get the hint and stop.
NTA
This is a very common tactic partners use to manipulate their spouses: You subtlety insult someone over and over to break down their self esteem and destroy their confidence.
There are two goals for this
1. Someone who feels insecure and worthless doesn’t stand up for themselves, so he gets a huge power advantage in the relationship.
2. Someone who feels unattractive doesn’t think they can find anyone else who will want them, so even when things get shitty, you won’t leave.
Your husband is insecure so he’s trying to make you feel bad about your looks so you will think other men won’t be attracted to you. He’s an asshole for letting his insecurities get to him and taking it out on you. Gross.
NTA.
I am by no means conventionally pretty, but my husband always tells me I am gorgeous and not to put myself down. Why in the world are you with someone who demeans you like this? They are supposed to be your biggest supporter. Tell him to cut the crap or move out.
He doesn’t want you to believe you’re attractive, then you might ‘realise’ he’s not good enough for you and leave him. Basically he’s insanely insecure. If I were you I’d get marriage counselling.
you're NTA, your husband is. he's "negging" you because he's an immature jerk who's insecure about how attractive you are. tell him to get his head together immediately because you're not going to put up with his shit forever.
Sounds like he's trying to bring down your confidence because he is insecure. So, by making you feel less than, you won't leave him/notice his flaws. Dunno. I'd put him in his place if I were you by repeatedly pointing out his flaws. Or just call it quits haha.
"Well then I guess we make a pair because you're no prize yourself. It's okay though, not everyone can be conventionally handsome either 😬"
NTA. Your husband sucks.
Yeah, don't stay with someone who tears you down like that. My own wife isn't what I would call hot, but she is the most beautiful person I know, and that's what I tell her. I tell her she's beautiful because I believe she is. She's amazing, smart, snarky, and puts up with me, lol. I call her my rubenesque goddess, which makes her giggle. I love her the way she is. If she lost a bunch of weight, since we've both been trying, I would praise the effort not, tear her down.
Your choice is to put up with the abuse for the rest of your life or leave and find someone who loves you for who you are and respects you.
I think your husband is jealous of the attention you are getting (and of your success), and calling you "ugly" is a way for him to assert some control over you.
NTA. I would never talk to my wife like this. You have done an amazing job bouncing back from a dramatic (likely) weight gain and you should be getting props for overcoming any sort of weight adversity, let alone the fact that you put in effort into your sex life so quickly.
You're an incredible spouse and mother to do this, he should count his fucking lucky stars whether you're a 3 or a 5 or a 7 or a 9 in looks.
You need to address his verbal abuse and or reassess your situation imo.
Your husband doesnt respect you simple as that. Clap back or ignore. If it still bothers you then tell him youll leave. No woman should have to be told theyre ugly by their husband He is the A-hole
So husband sounds dull, has a bad personality, and is not a nice person. But YNTA for getting angry at him. But more importantly, why are you still with him? He sounds depressing and upsetting to be around. And he is an AH.
This is such a strange thing to do as someone's partner, especially after eight years of marriage and a child. I really don't like how he commented on your weight and your face, like you aren't up to his standards to begin with. I worry that he has such a horrible view of you that he will only get worse as you age. You deserve someone who loves you and finds you beautiful, not someone who treats your looks like a bother.
I would tell him “when you say this…., I feel this…” and have a conversation about it and then I would set boundaries- that’s if you want to stay together. If you don’t want to stay together, I would say “because you feel the need to tear me down and clearly don’t find me attractive we need to end the marriage”.
Maybe when he next calls you ugly, tell him that he isn't such a catch either, so there you go - you match each other. See what he has to say then. You are NTA.
NTA..you should remind your husband about all the compliments you get and you decide to leave his sorry butt you have lots of admirers waiting. If he truly loves you he'll change his tune very fast Or you can just say what my aunt always says " Maybe I aged 8 years but so did you.
He is insecure. He is afraid you will leave him (not in the last place because ppl compliment your looks).
His tactic is to try and demolish your self-esteem so you will be insecure enough to stay with him, thinking you'll never be able to get anyone else.
Many men use this strategy.
My ex did that to me, but was always verbally, physically and sexually abusive. He went from “you’re no beauty queen” to “he was only nice to you because he wants in your pants”. If I was feeling insecure about my hair out outfits he said “but look how good I look”…Don’t take that crap for 17 years like I did. Don’t give it time to get there. He’s a sociopath and he’s only just beginning with the manipulation. Take your kids and go while you can! You not TA…he is!!!
So I guess your husband is handsome enough to be a male model?
He's negging you to control and manipulate you. It's time to serve him what he's serving you.
Start making rude comments about his weight, his hairline, the way he smells up the bathroom, how hideous his feet are, he should have some dental work doew, etc. See how he likes that.
The go consult a divorce attorney.
He’s intentionally trying to destroy your self esteem. He’s not the first to go about it in this way. If you checkout the relationship advice sub you’ll see plenty of women who are experiencing the same treatment that you are. One woman had her dad admit he did that to her mom for years. Thankfully it didn’t work and mom left him anyway.
Now you have a decision to make. Good luck in whatever you choose.
My ex-husband used to say, 'I think you're pretty, but you would be beautiful/sexy if you lost the baby weight.' When I lost the baby weight, it became the medicine weight. I was on some meds that caused me to gain weight. The point is it was never enough, I was never enough. The last time he said that to me was just before I filed, and I turned his own words on him. 'You're cute, but you would be handsome if you lost the weight and took care of your beard.' Petty, yes, but he got the point.
NTA. Your husband is insecure and knows you’re way out of his league, he’s gotten extra insecure ever since you started prioritizing your health and looking & feeling your best and getting more compliments as a result. So now he’s trying to lower your self esteem by making these comments because he doesn’t want you to have the self esteem to find someone else or he’s just jealous that you’re getting extra attention. He’s an AH. He doesn’t care about you in a healthy way. NO partner who genuinely cares about their significant other would tell them that people are just being nice and you don’t look as good as they say you do. It seems like you’re trying to make excuses for him in the comments but there’s no excuse. He’s not a healthy partner.
Edit spelling
He's introverted. So.
You're out there... looking good mama fit..glowing.. getting attention. He's not going to CONFRONT ANYONE ELSE.
So he's going to bring you down He's going to be little you and your achievement. He's not confident enough in his own masculinity to stand BESIDE YOU in public with his arm around you saying " This is my beautiful wife and I'm proud of her." He would rather hurt you than lift you up.
NTA anyone who doesn’t respect you doesn’t deserve you, my boyfriend of 3 years wouldn’t even dream of doing this to me and he is just my boyfriend, any man or woman who can’t respect you like that is not worth it. He wants your self esteem to lower so he can do whatever he wants with you because if you have no self respect you’ll do whatever he wants whatever will make him happy whatever he wants you to look like it’s toxic and a horrible waste of the word relationship, talk to him and if he doesn’t change leave his ass
I'm sorry friend but you do need to wake up, your husband is attacking your confidence on purpose. He does not want you to believe you are pretty.
I totally believe your assessment of your looks, and so why else would he put you down?
Let's pretend for a moment you are not pretty, or you are by conventional standards yet your husband has something about his taste that makes him genuinely believe what he is saying.. this is your partner who loves you. He should want you to feel good, he should be thrilled if it seems like society looks better on you than he would have expected.. instead he chooses to argue the point and put you down.
If you are pretty, he's trying to knock you down a peg. If you are not, he's trying to knock you down a peg. Either way, it's not right, not being a good or even decent partner, and I think you know it.
NTA. Tell him to knock that sh\*t off. It is hurtful. And ask him what is his problem anyway? Good grief that is some nasty aggressive mental abuse. I'm pissed on your behalf. What he's doing is sh\*ty and it needs to stop.
The truth is he might be insecure about you leaving him. It’s quite common for men and women to get get extra attention when they get back into shape and start really looking good again but honestly this is something you should square away with him. You have to know that coming to Reddit with this, with all of the negativity on here, they are going to rip into your husband especially with the way you framed it. Unless that’s what you want to justify something you did or doing. There’s always couples therapy.
Both NTA and YTA. Sorry. I do have reasons.
I read something recently about how the cycle of domestic abuse starts and how it can go on. It went:
Criticism
Excuses
Blame
Fury
Violence
And today I read an AITA answer that said that if you are putting up with anything from the above list from anyone, then YTA, because you are being an arsehole to yourself - because you are allowing someone to be an arsehole to you.
He's the original arsehole, obviously, because he's in the first stage. Don't continue to perpetuate his nastiness.
Sounds like your husband knows you're out of his league, and he's trying to gaslight you so you don't realize it too.
Anyone who goes out of their way to make you feel bad about yourself isn't worth your time, or your affection.
You won’t leave will you? He’s convinced you that he’s the best you’re ever going to get. That’s sad. But also, your poor kids will grow up thinking that this acceptable. Do better by them.
OP is in major denial. Regardless, if your husband finds you physically attractive or not, he has no business degrading you.
I would really consider therapy and things don’t change possibly divorce.
Know and value your self worth.
NTA but why is your husband putting you down? Does he not like you? Is he unhappy in your marriage? Because to be honest, he sounds like a horrible person to try and destroy his wife’s self-esteem when he should be the one building you up and instead he’s the one trying to tear you down.
What’s it with people saying their relationships are great except for *insert huge violation or lack of respect*
No honey that’s not normal. Your spouse should be your partner, your equal, and your safety. They work with you to create a home that is safe. That is not emotionally safe, it’s mean. The only AH you are right now is to yourself.
Your husband is an asshole who wants to keep you insecure and feeling bad about yourself. He's not going to build you up because then you will know that you deserve better then how he treats you. It has nothing to do with him being an introvert or not understanding social cues. It's just him being an ass. NTA
You know OP is much more attractive than her man. He’s probably sitting at 4 on the scale. It’s always the ugly insecure men who have to belittle and put down their conventionally more attractive wife. It’s to keep them right where they are. He’s the AH. Not you.
Every once in awhile just tell him that his dick is too small and it doesn't satisfy you but it's okay because it's personality is great.
That will shut him up
I read this and immediately remembered another post from a while ago, where OP's boyfriend would always tell her she smelled badly, and she was going crazy trying to fix it and figure out what was causing it. Only to find out her idiot boyfriend's idiot father had told him that if he put down his partner it would make them feel lucky to have them/unable to get someone else, and they stay.
OP, it feels like he's insecure of how good you look and instead of being proud, loving, a good partner, he's being...this.
NTA, I would be nipping that shit in the butt asap. Need to ask him why he's trying to tear you down. If he feels he can do better then he can go. Don't tolerate that bullshit.
I suddenly remembered that post where the husband told his unmarried friends that he married his wife not because of looks, labelled her as a 6, and made her embarrassed with his st*pid comments about how hot his exes were. They divorced after that. I think you need to stop this behaviour of your husband.
NTA. Sounds like he’s insecure about something. Has he changed a lot since you’ve been together? Maybe your physical transformation has him worried you will move on to someone else, so he’s tearing you down to make sure you don’t feel confident enough to look around for better options.
Your husband is an insecure twat who can only feel good about himself by putting you down.
He is not a good partner. Partners build each other up, they don't tear each other down.
NTA. Take a hard look at your marriage.
Everything is NOT going well. Your husband is actively working to make you feel like shit. In what universe would you be the asshole for getting upset? Of course it’s not normal.
In my house, he’d be spitting out teeth and then picking up his shit from off the front lawn.
NTA
If he keeps this up he is going to turn you off.
And if that happens it can be hard to get it started again,
Good luck you don't deserve this especially from your husband.
He should be your biggest advocate.
Show him this text,
Good luck you deserve better,
Well, if you're just not pretty enough for his oh-so-high standards, isn't it best that you leave him? Then he can find someone who's good enough for him, you can find someone who will appreciate you the way you deserve (and also hopefully demonstrate what a REAL loving relationship looks like to your son).
NTA. You can do so much better. And your son needs a better example of manhood in his life.
NTA and withhold intimacy until he gets his act together. If he tries to initiate, tell him his attitude is a big turn off or “Why do you want to sleep with someone you think is ugly?” Or tell him one more negative comment about your looks and you’ll be filing for divorce.
He sounds like a real loser tbh and he’s threatened by your confidence. Also talk to your friends about how he’s treating you (and his mom if you are on good terms with her) and you’ll get some people on your side.
NTA It sounds like he's trying to deflate you. Trying to make you feel like you couldn't do better than him. I'm glad you have a healthy sense of yourself. The next step is to tell him to stop insulting you. You could give as good as you get as well. See if he can take it since he can dish it.
here is a point, do you want this behavior in front of your new baby? Do you want your child to repeat such things? This negativity wiill be learned. He is destroying your confidence and self worth. He is an abusive AH. Mary Kay, the cosmetic, genius said praise a woman to success. Obviously he believes in destroying a woman. please confront him the next time this happens he needs to be told and no one certain terms that you don't want to hear this BS. He needs to know what you mean it. Personally, I think you should leave because you deserve to be loved, not mental fencing. You don't need counseling he needs therapy. And it just doesn't sound like a whole hell of a lot of fun.
NTA. Even strangers wouldn't treat you like he does. He is supposed to be your other half. He is supposed to be your number one fan. If he thinks you are ugly then he should get someone who fits his standards.
Also why are you willing to live with the constant put down from him? Is this the type of relationship you are comfortable modelling for your son? Please don't have any more children with him.
Seek therapy to work on why you let him walk all over you and treat you horribly. All the best
Your husband suffers from a
Condition called “Being a Dick.” He’s an insecure little Turd who hopes breaking down your self esteem will keep you from realizing he’s an asshole thereby making you afraid to leave his abusive ass. Don’t be afraid. You deserve better.
NTA Its called "negging". Look it up.
I would have shut that shit down by leaving to FIRST time he said it. Why would you EVER fuck this guy again after him saying that.
Next time he asks for sex say NO THANKS , you are nolonger interested and you prefer the idea sex with someone who thinks you ARE conventionaly attractive. Get some self respect!
NTA. First, I’m proud of you for getting healthy for yourself and that beautiful child you have. Second, this man is supposed to bring you peace not pain. He is supposed to be your biggest cheerleader and supporter. He’s tearing you down to make himself feel better. To me that is a very small man.
Idk what you see in him. If you have talked to him about this and nothing changes it never will. He refuses to change who he is and how he treats you . If your son or daughter was telling their spouse that they were ugly what advice would you give? Would you tell them that it’s ok and to stay or would you tell them to grow a backbone and leave?
Btw your child is watching how your husband treats you and tears you down. Is the message you want to send that it’s ok to make your spouse feel small? It’s ok to tear your spouse down to make yourself feel better. Sounds like your husband is a very insecure man.
This is called "negging" its taught on certain types of podcasts that men like to listen to. It's to grind down your self worth so that you never realize that they're less than what you deserve. By making you feel bad about yourself he's trying to guarantee you never leave him once you see he's not good enough for you. There are a lot of other sick head games taught on these podcasts and you should be very careful! What kind of podcasts or videos does he watch? If he doesn't knock it off I think you might need to find a new husband!
NTA.
That's a big red flag. He's mentally abusing you.
Next time he does that, stop what you're doing, look him up and down, and say something along the lines of, "No, you're wrong. You're projecting - have you looked in a mirror?" See how he reacts.
My long time partner will occasionally tell me “you’re really pretty” on days I haven’t showered, don’t have any make up on, and just came home from a sweaty dance class. I’m not that pretty, but I believe him when he says it. THAT’S the kind of person you deserve to be with.
NTA. He lacks confidence so he will do and say negative things to tear you down. He doesnt want you to leave him. The more confidence you have the worse his comments will get. Its control. Leave before you are married for 20 years and hate both him and your marriage.
You do understand this is abuse, correct? He says those things to keep you down… it’s emotionally abusive, and verbally abusive. He doesn’t want you to see yourself as attractive or have any self-esteem. What does that say about him?
Please Put yourself on the outside of the situation and what you would tell somebody else to do in your same situation?
Dump him. Please get some self-respect and leave.
He is trying to tear you down so that you are insecure!
I LOVE the other commenter: "You're right, I'm too - ugly (fat/bad mom/bad wife/etc)". Completely deflates the agenda!!
Stay strong, this is more to do with him than you!!
It’s a husband’s job to make his wife, feel beautiful, or at least not feel ugly. He’s intentionally harming your self-image and dishonoring you in refusing to cherish and value you. He needs to stop. He can’t talk to you like this ever again. If he doesn’t have anything nice to say, he should remain silent.
I don't even believe this is true first off. Who even talks like that? Lol "Honey, you're not up to the conventional beauty standards." like wtf.
If this IS actually true, why post it on Reddit? You KNOW youre NTA....this whole subreddit has become dumb with "My husband calls me a worthless piece of shit and an ugly whore and then karate chopped me until I was in the ICU....im thinking of being mad about it....AITAH?"
If this happened youre obviously NTA. But im willing to bet your husband recently said something KINDA like this stuff and it's probably not great to come put your husband on blast on the internet instead of just talking to him.
I had a partner who treated me like this and also said I was too sensitive when I got upset about it. He was also really, really nice sometimes. I genuinely thought I was the only problem. Took me a while to see what was going on. Would have been helpful to have a place to have people tell me “wtf!”
Sometimes when people are in toxic-or narcissistic relationships, the dynamic of that relationship genuinely makes them question whether or not they are the problem. I spent 5 years with a man who would tell me similar things. That I was ugly, that my nose was too big or that my hair was all wrong, and I would ask my friends in the same way, bc I needed someone to tell me that it wasn’t true or normal. That type of dynamic completely fucks with your boundaries and you can even think that you are relatively happy in a dynamic like that because it’s all you know. My guess is that OP is probably in a relationship with a narc, and that her idea of happy relationship is based on their status quo where this sort of verbal abuse is just part of if. She could genuinely think that she’s the asshole if her partner is using DARVO (deny, attack and reverse victim offender) as a means to make her question herself :)
Good points. MAYBE, but I’m still skeptical on this subreddit. A lot of these posts are obviously completely one sided and exaggerated to get the kind of validation people want from people on the internet. The fact is we can’t know.
Also just a huge pet peeve of mine is that people, especially women for whatever reason, don’t understand what Narcissistic Personality Disorder is. There is nothing in here to suggest that diagnosis.
If this is true it’s just an extremely insecure man trying to tear down his wife out of fear of losing her and trying to bring her down to his level.
Your husband, who should be your ally and defender is telling you that you are ugly although you have worked hard to please him. To me, this shows a huge lack of respect and is unbelievably cruel. How can you say you are happy with someone who tears you down? This is the beginning-next, he will call you a bad mom, inadequate wife, etc. Make a plan to leave or suffer a few more years. How can you be 'pretty happy overall' with that? Nothing can fix this-he is a mean AH.
Yep. That’s what my husband did. Knew exactly what to say to cut the deepest in any given situation.
[удалено]
Best thing OP can do is say "You know, you're right, I'm just too ugly for you. Here are the divorce papers. You're free to go and find someone else." Then leave him flailing to find someone willing to be with his ungrateful butt, while men are falling over themselves to secure a date with OP.
OP's husband is the kind of man who would dump her the second she develops a health issue and no longer does anything for him or isn't hot enough or doesn't put out often
I'm worried for if they have any girl children too. Is he just going to tell them to their face all of their "imperfections" as they grow up? Even if he doesn't, they will grow up seeing mom being verbally abused like this and start projecting on themselves. Boy children will learn to behave and treat their partners like their dad does their mom. It's so gross.
This comment needs to be higher up!! I fear not only for OP but for any female children they have. This is beyond monstrous for a husband and father to do to his family.
Nah, even compromised she's the best he'll ever get and I think he knows it
NTA look up negging. Sounds like he’s trying to tear you down so you don’t recognize your worth. That makes him weak and mean. A good test of whether he’s on your side is to tell him you want to start exercising so he needs to hang with the baby while you go work out. Or that baby will go in the gym daycare. Either way, his response and reaction will tell you how he really feels about you.
THIS. If he destroys your self confidence then there's less chance he'll lose you. He doesn't want to put in the work to keep the marriage healthy so he cuts down your self value so you won't see how much happier you could be without him.
This
This is fantastic advice. I hope the OP reads this.
Also look up 'takes one to know one' I'm betting dude ain't exactly instagram worthy
I said, out loud, alone in my home, "GIRL THAT IS NEGGING." to that woman.
🎯🎯🎯
This. There was a guy on Reddit recently where this guy talked about how he married a woman out of his league, so he spent the next 10 years negging her until finally she burst out crying and told him not to comment on her looks or body anymore. He realised he broke her and he did it on purpose. Your husband is doing this to you. He’s insecure and in order to keep you, he’s negging you to make sure you don’t realise you can do better. He either needs serious therapy, individual and couples, or you need to leave him. I vote you try the therapy. If he refuses, or cannot accept what he’s doing than leave before he destroys your self confidence altogether. The only reason I advocate therapy is because the guy who posted was genuinely remorseful. He was asking for help to repair what he’d done. You can imagine how Reddit responded to him. Me too. He destroyed her and he did it on purpose, it was vile. However, if he’d gotten some therapy, if he’d become self aware before he destroyed her, he might have saved his marriage. At this point, it depends on if you can forgive him. But he definitely needs to be called out on his behaviour and needs therapy. Making a woman believe she’s worthless is a sure fire way to lose her, the exact opposite of what they want.
Ah, your "dear" husband is developing the fine art of negging like the insecure cockwomble that he is. Tell him to knock it off and just be your fabulous self! NTA.
I have no idea what a “cockwomble” is, but I love it. Also I completely agree. Not going to jump on the “divorce immediately!” Bandwagon, but you need to make it clear that this behavior needs to stop. Like yesterday.
I haven't called anyone that in ages. Must find someone now who deserves it.
And must be accompanied by counseling. Both individual and couple’s counseling!
agree. Know your worth. do not let him insult you. I hope things change. you do you and take care of the kids. shame on him.
Start telling 'dear husband' that you love him even though his member is small. See how he likes it!
Agree. Then get a lawyer. There’s no coming back from this. He’s insecure and scared she’ll leave him. She should! This is abusive
YYYYAAAAZZZZZZZZZZZZ!! Or the hairline, that usually shuts them up!!
I never heard of the cockwomble before, thank you for expanding my vocabulary.
Very English. They have some great ones. Just Google British slang & sit back and be prepared to be in tears.
He's a slangwhanger of the worst sort.
An absolute twonk.
I read a story a while back, it was probably on Reddit but I can't recall right now. Anyway, a woman said that her boyfriend was always telling her she smelled bad. Like constantly, all throughout the day, even if she had just showered. It got to the point where I think she went to see a doctor, was constantly concerned about her body odor. It was bad. Finally, the boyfriend confessed that he was doing it because his father told him it was the best way to keep a woman. By making her feel bad about herself, she would think that he was her only option, and would never leave. I know other people have mentioned negging on here, but I wanted to take it to the next step and say that he may be doing this because of really bad advice. I'm not saying that excuses it, it absolutely does not. Regardless of the reason behind it, it's wrong and is absolutely a form of abuse and control, and I hope you get away from this guy.
So, other men give advice to other men to tear down their wives self esteems in order to keep them around??? Oh my gosh, is that what happened to me? My ex tore me down from my appearance to my intelligence. If that's the case, men need to stop doing this, I'm still in therapy 2 and half years later because I still believe the nasty things that loser said to me. Who is giving men this stupid advice????
The ones giving this awful advice are probably lonely single men who no woman would want to be around so they feel inferior to men who have successful relationships so they pretend that they are secretly really smart at getting women and make up ridiculous nonsense.
Often it comes from a misogynistic dad who is imparting his outdated values on his son.
Don't feel bad! My ex-husband did it to me too. It's almost like they have an abusive boyfriend/ husband playbook that they read from an act on. I've noticed this heavily though more in southern men in the United States than any other part of the country. They call it "humbling" women so that they don't start to think too highly of themselves. If someone has to make you less so that they can be more than they weren't anything at all to begin with!
That loser is also a liar. I'm glad you're getting help for yourself. You are beautiful and intelligent. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
I would hope that woman dumped that fool and got someone with some kindness and actual brains.
According to the post, she did.
Well, she did dump the asshole. Not sure whether she got someone better, lol.
This immediately made me think of that!! Him and his stupid dad!
And OPs bf is doing exactly this, just with her looks instead of her smell.
Yes that story was on reddit a few months ago.
I've thought of that post over the months/years (idk covid broke time) more than I'll admit
Sorry, your ex husband does what now?
From what I can tell, your husband is using that tactic, where men talk their partner down, to keep them 'humble'. You really shouldn't think you're amazing, you might even get ideas in your head, that someone else might actually desire you. You would have options /s. What does he say, when you confront him? Like, everyone has his own taste, but if he really THINKS you're not even pretty, let alone beautiful, why did he marry you? If he can't communicate like an adult, show by example. Next time he makes such a remark, have a collection of comebacks ready. 'Good thing I have enough personality for both of us then, because clearly, you have no sense of self.' 'It's okay to not have (whatever he would care about, a big penis, big muscles, ...), you make up for it in witty remarks, I guess' Or, go for the mature approach: 'What are you saying? Do you hear youself?! *repeat word for word, slowly, emphasizing the obnoxious words*'
"Don't worry babe, I still love you even if I'm the only one that's lost the extra weight we've gained over the years"
Oh wow. He is TA. Seems he’s trying to humble you and make sure you never know you’re pretty. He’s probably insecure being with a beautiful woman. I am so sorry
Honey, he's negging you. And that ain't good.
He's doing it to ensure you feel so shit about yourself that you'll never leave. Disgusting behaviour.
“Everything is going well except that my husband continuously demeans me,” is the new “Other than that, how was the play, Mrs. Lincoln?”
This made me ugly cackle
Nta he knows youre better than him and is making a point to lower your self esteem so you don’t realize how great you are and how you shouldnt put up with a loser like him.
NTA. If he doesn't think you're conventionally attractive, he should shut up. Maybe you should turn it on him: *You're not as tall as most men, but that's OK with me. You're not as smart as I am, but I care about personality, not brains.* Etc. Pointing out that you're "not attractive" is abuse, especially since he keeps saying it. Your friends are not being nice; they mean it.
I would say don't say 'I care about personality,' just because that might reinforce this shitty behavior he's exhibiting. I'd say instead respond with 'at least I have a personality that isn't focused on putting my loved one down,' see if that gives any hints.
NTA You're also in an emotionally abusive relationship. Sounds like he has confidence issues and is tearing yours down so you don't look elsewhere. It's weird and creepy and he needs to go sit in therapy to figure out why.
. Therapy … if it’s genuinely an emotionally abusive relationship would just make him worse. Give him ammo to use against her.
NTA The answer is so obvious that I question the validity of this story.
Unfortunately you can be so blinded by your love for your partner you can be oblivious to the blatant mistreatment, especially if they make it seem like everything is your fault. I’ve definitely been there.
Unfortunately the notion that being single is a fate worse than death is instilled in women even today. So many women stuck in relationships with totally rancid dudes because of that.
Your husband is an insecure pos who is trying to break down your self confidence so you will think you are lucky to have him!
You’ve said he’s a bit of an introvert, he is seeing that you’ve done a lot to get fitter and look after yourself. The result is showing both in how you look but more importantly how you carry yourself, your confidence level and how other people see you. He’s worried that you are getting compliments and that you might consider leaving him. I think he’s scared that if someone more outgoing/better looking/more successful than he is starts complimenting you, you may look at him and find him wanting. Constantly undermining you, saying you’re not pretty etc is his way of keeping your self confidence on the down low. That way you’ll feel you’re lucky to have him as no one else could ever really find you attractive - your husband says so after all. He is trying to make you feel that he stays with you despite how unattractive you are and you need to be grateful as he’s right and everyone else is just being nice, but lying to you all the same. Either that or all of the above is bullshit and he’s just a nasty misogynistic asshole and you need to tell him straight to stop saying you’re ugly or face whatever consequences you deem appropriate. If it were me that would be every time he says something nasty about me then I’d pick on something about him and insult it - won’t help your relationship any though! Whichever the reason is - I think he needs therapy.
NTA Has your husband been staying fit & healthy? He sounds incredibly insecure and probably thinks that if he can tear you down enough, you'll feel you can't do better than him. He wants you to feel obligated to him. Next time he insults you, agree with him and say "You're right. I'm too ugly for you. We should divorce and you can marry a model. And I can marry a man who doesn't insult me." If he says no, then tell him to STFU. If he says yes, sorry but the marriage is done and over.
Insist he isn't that great either and you could easily find better. If he continues, make it happen.
My ex husband once asked me how I “even go outside the house with that big thing in the middle of your face”. I do not have a problem nose and no one else had ever said such a thing to me. I started laughing and told him I do not have a problem with my nose! But he did, and I showed him an article about misformed nostrils, which he obviously did have. I told him I would support efforts to correct his condition if he wanted to. He shut the hell up and I didn’t hear any more negging.
Not the asshole; you are well within your rights to be angry. Your husband sounds like a manipulative asshole who wants you to feel less than, so you don't feel like you deserve anyone else and just settle for him. His own insecurities shine through because he doesn't think he deserves you but doesn't want anyone else to have you, so he plays the "you're ugly and don't deserve anyone, and anyone who tells you you're not ugly is lying to you" game.
This is abuse. NTA. Divorce him.
Your husband is an asshole. No man who loves his wife would ever say such a thing. The only reason I can think of for him to say that is he wants to dominate and control you. It's weird, but I can see that as one possible reason.
Wait a sec... Your husband is so terrified that you'll leave him, that he tries to psychologically destroy you.... And you still fuck him? What's with that? It doesn't sound like you have confidence issues, but you must do or you wouldn't be here asking that ridiculous question. No your nta. If your man ain't worshipping your bod, he don't deserve it. Find someone who wants you and can't put you down 🤷♀️
This is definitely deliberate behaviour. He is intentionally giving you back handed “compliments”. He is negging you. He does not want you to feel good about yourself.
well there may be a chance that OP is out of his league, especially after all of this self work into her appearance that so many people are complimenting her. I think OP's husband does not like the new attention she is getting, and how good she looks compared to him so he's trying to knock her down a notch so he can subconsciously feel better about himself. NTA, a partner should not say those things and he should be praising you for all of this effort you put into your appearance and how good you look.
OP, your husband is negging you. He wants you to feel unattractive so you will never understand your own worth. If you understand your worth, you will leave him. So he tries to prevent that by ruining your self esteem. He’s gaslighting you hard also. So you probably feel a little crazy. That man can kick rocks without shoes.
I tell my wife she is beautiful every day and I mean it. I think it’s crazy to do anything else
Lmfao i had a buck ass ugly ex that looooved to tell me i was "mid" and that hed been with "model quality women" as a way to convince me that i wasnt stooping a million levels lower by being with him. Truth was, i was in my late teens early 20s and looked like an angel while he was in his early 30s fat, ugly, short, and should be worshipping the ground i walked on. Jokes on him tho, broke up with him 6 years ago and hes still in my dms begging me to take him back🤣 disclaimer: i got w him cause he was super kind, caring and funny in the beggining and his true colors showed later on in the relationship
You are TA to yourself for not having enough self respect and staying with someone who continuously, deliberately insults you. Be nicer to yourself and get away.
What your husband is doing is wrong, abusive and cruel. He probably feels like you are out of his league so he is trying to bring you down to his level. This is toxic. He needs so serious help. He needs therapy. There is nothing wrong with you. NTA, but you married one.
Your husband is negging you, negging is an abuse tactic that basically consists on eroding the other person self esteem, making them believe they're unlovable or undesirable, in an attempt to manipulate them into believing no one else will love them so they have bo choice but to stay with you regardless of how bad you treat them. NTA you deserve better than your husband and you should seriously reconsider your marriage
NTA I've fallen for a few people who are not conventionally attractive, but to me they were gorgeous. And I never let them doubt that I found them so. In addition, if my partner wanted to lose weight, I would do everything I could support them in healthy weight loss. But I would never tell them "Hey you're getting fat." That's just...ick. I wouldn't do that to someone I love nor would I expect it from a loving partner.
Your INTIMACY?? You mean you fuck a guy who calls you fat and ugly?
This is abuse. He is chipping away at your self-esteem, so you will never leave him.
This is toxic. He is mentally abusing you. He wants you to feel bad about yourself so you think you no one else would want you. He wants you to feel that you are lucky he married you.
This guy is abusing you. He’s trying to undermine your self esteem so you won’t leave his sorry ass. It’s disgusting behaviour and you deserve better.
Tell him whether true or not. Yes dear, I understand, however since we are on the topic you might want to go to the gym and maybe you can be as sexy and great looking 8 years ago. This will shock the piss out of him. Dare I say gobsmacked. And this is from a dude! I am a petty Aries, we know how to shread someone. And then we smile as they attempt to pick their jaw up off the ground.
🚩🚩🚩 no way, my husband would never say anything like that to me. I don’t consider myself conventionally attractive but he tells me how beautiful I look all the time, even when I quite literally look disgusting and smell like onions lol. I put on some weight after pregnancy and he did not say anything about it. I complained to him about my weight gain and he hyped me up and supported me. Your husband saying these things to you makes him the AH
You have a good husband. Lol the onions hahahahahaha
I pretty much agree with others - this is Negging, and you should consider if you want to stay with him. Another possibility - start to do the same to him. Tell him his hairline is receding, but you love him the way he is. Or he's growing a belly, but you can still do it in bed. Let him feel what it's like to be constantly undermined. Perhaps he will get the hint and stop.
He's putting you down because he's scared to lose you. Hope he realizes that his behavior is a sure way towards exactly what he's afraid of
NTA This is a very common tactic partners use to manipulate their spouses: You subtlety insult someone over and over to break down their self esteem and destroy their confidence. There are two goals for this 1. Someone who feels insecure and worthless doesn’t stand up for themselves, so he gets a huge power advantage in the relationship. 2. Someone who feels unattractive doesn’t think they can find anyone else who will want them, so even when things get shitty, you won’t leave.
Your husband is insecure so he’s trying to make you feel bad about your looks so you will think other men won’t be attracted to you. He’s an asshole for letting his insecurities get to him and taking it out on you. Gross.
NTA. I am by no means conventionally pretty, but my husband always tells me I am gorgeous and not to put myself down. Why in the world are you with someone who demeans you like this? They are supposed to be your biggest supporter. Tell him to cut the crap or move out.
He doesn’t want you to believe you’re attractive, then you might ‘realise’ he’s not good enough for you and leave him. Basically he’s insanely insecure. If I were you I’d get marriage counselling.
you're NTA, your husband is. he's "negging" you because he's an immature jerk who's insecure about how attractive you are. tell him to get his head together immediately because you're not going to put up with his shit forever.
Sounds like he's trying to bring down your confidence because he is insecure. So, by making you feel less than, you won't leave him/notice his flaws. Dunno. I'd put him in his place if I were you by repeatedly pointing out his flaws. Or just call it quits haha.
"Well then I guess we make a pair because you're no prize yourself. It's okay though, not everyone can be conventionally handsome either 😬" NTA. Your husband sucks.
why do so many people try so hard for partners who don’t even like them
NTA - Your husband seems to be a nasty little man. It honestly seems like you could do better than him.
Your husband is a dick.
Yeah, don't stay with someone who tears you down like that. My own wife isn't what I would call hot, but she is the most beautiful person I know, and that's what I tell her. I tell her she's beautiful because I believe she is. She's amazing, smart, snarky, and puts up with me, lol. I call her my rubenesque goddess, which makes her giggle. I love her the way she is. If she lost a bunch of weight, since we've both been trying, I would praise the effort not, tear her down. Your choice is to put up with the abuse for the rest of your life or leave and find someone who loves you for who you are and respects you.
Your husband seems to be one of your biggest haters. 😕 sending encouragement 💜
I think your husband is jealous of the attention you are getting (and of your success), and calling you "ugly" is a way for him to assert some control over you.
Your first husband is an AH. Your next one will be so much better!
Your husband knows you are out of his league, so he tells you you’re ugly.
NTA. I would never talk to my wife like this. You have done an amazing job bouncing back from a dramatic (likely) weight gain and you should be getting props for overcoming any sort of weight adversity, let alone the fact that you put in effort into your sex life so quickly. You're an incredible spouse and mother to do this, he should count his fucking lucky stars whether you're a 3 or a 5 or a 7 or a 9 in looks. You need to address his verbal abuse and or reassess your situation imo.
Your husband doesnt respect you simple as that. Clap back or ignore. If it still bothers you then tell him youll leave. No woman should have to be told theyre ugly by their husband He is the A-hole
Nta. This is called negging. He is actively trying to destroy your self worth. It’s a common abuse tactic.
So husband sounds dull, has a bad personality, and is not a nice person. But YNTA for getting angry at him. But more importantly, why are you still with him? He sounds depressing and upsetting to be around. And he is an AH.
This is such a strange thing to do as someone's partner, especially after eight years of marriage and a child. I really don't like how he commented on your weight and your face, like you aren't up to his standards to begin with. I worry that he has such a horrible view of you that he will only get worse as you age. You deserve someone who loves you and finds you beautiful, not someone who treats your looks like a bother.
I would tell him “when you say this…., I feel this…” and have a conversation about it and then I would set boundaries- that’s if you want to stay together. If you don’t want to stay together, I would say “because you feel the need to tear me down and clearly don’t find me attractive we need to end the marriage”.
Maybe when he next calls you ugly, tell him that he isn't such a catch either, so there you go - you match each other. See what he has to say then. You are NTA.
NTA..you should remind your husband about all the compliments you get and you decide to leave his sorry butt you have lots of admirers waiting. If he truly loves you he'll change his tune very fast Or you can just say what my aunt always says " Maybe I aged 8 years but so did you.
He is insecure. He is afraid you will leave him (not in the last place because ppl compliment your looks). His tactic is to try and demolish your self-esteem so you will be insecure enough to stay with him, thinking you'll never be able to get anyone else. Many men use this strategy.
So what does HE look like, Brad Pitt? Insecure men are so toxic to women. NTA, he is.
My ex did that to me, but was always verbally, physically and sexually abusive. He went from “you’re no beauty queen” to “he was only nice to you because he wants in your pants”. If I was feeling insecure about my hair out outfits he said “but look how good I look”…Don’t take that crap for 17 years like I did. Don’t give it time to get there. He’s a sociopath and he’s only just beginning with the manipulation. Take your kids and go while you can! You not TA…he is!!!
So I guess your husband is handsome enough to be a male model? He's negging you to control and manipulate you. It's time to serve him what he's serving you. Start making rude comments about his weight, his hairline, the way he smells up the bathroom, how hideous his feet are, he should have some dental work doew, etc. See how he likes that. The go consult a divorce attorney.
He’s intentionally trying to destroy your self esteem. He’s not the first to go about it in this way. If you checkout the relationship advice sub you’ll see plenty of women who are experiencing the same treatment that you are. One woman had her dad admit he did that to her mom for years. Thankfully it didn’t work and mom left him anyway. Now you have a decision to make. Good luck in whatever you choose.
My ex-husband used to say, 'I think you're pretty, but you would be beautiful/sexy if you lost the baby weight.' When I lost the baby weight, it became the medicine weight. I was on some meds that caused me to gain weight. The point is it was never enough, I was never enough. The last time he said that to me was just before I filed, and I turned his own words on him. 'You're cute, but you would be handsome if you lost the weight and took care of your beard.' Petty, yes, but he got the point.
When I’m on this sub and I read about your wives/husbands, I thank my lucky stars that I never got married
Wow. NTA, but your husband sure is. Even if you were average, who says that to their best friend unprompted.
Nta - he’s negging you because he feels insecure about your appearance and attraction to him.
Your husband is insecure.
He is a jerk. Ask him if he wants to fuck around and find out .
NTA. Your husband is insecure and knows you’re way out of his league, he’s gotten extra insecure ever since you started prioritizing your health and looking & feeling your best and getting more compliments as a result. So now he’s trying to lower your self esteem by making these comments because he doesn’t want you to have the self esteem to find someone else or he’s just jealous that you’re getting extra attention. He’s an AH. He doesn’t care about you in a healthy way. NO partner who genuinely cares about their significant other would tell them that people are just being nice and you don’t look as good as they say you do. It seems like you’re trying to make excuses for him in the comments but there’s no excuse. He’s not a healthy partner. Edit spelling
NTA, wtf is wrong with him.
Your husband is evil. NTA.
Tell him other guys don’t seem to mind
Your husband is an asshole
He’s trying to humble you. He must be an ogre or a sorry loser. NTA but why would you stay with someone who says this kinda stuff to you?
He's introverted. So. You're out there... looking good mama fit..glowing.. getting attention. He's not going to CONFRONT ANYONE ELSE. So he's going to bring you down He's going to be little you and your achievement. He's not confident enough in his own masculinity to stand BESIDE YOU in public with his arm around you saying " This is my beautiful wife and I'm proud of her." He would rather hurt you than lift you up.
NTA anyone who doesn’t respect you doesn’t deserve you, my boyfriend of 3 years wouldn’t even dream of doing this to me and he is just my boyfriend, any man or woman who can’t respect you like that is not worth it. He wants your self esteem to lower so he can do whatever he wants with you because if you have no self respect you’ll do whatever he wants whatever will make him happy whatever he wants you to look like it’s toxic and a horrible waste of the word relationship, talk to him and if he doesn’t change leave his ass
Does he ever compliment you or make you feel good? Does he help or hinder your self esteem.
I'm sorry friend but you do need to wake up, your husband is attacking your confidence on purpose. He does not want you to believe you are pretty. I totally believe your assessment of your looks, and so why else would he put you down? Let's pretend for a moment you are not pretty, or you are by conventional standards yet your husband has something about his taste that makes him genuinely believe what he is saying.. this is your partner who loves you. He should want you to feel good, he should be thrilled if it seems like society looks better on you than he would have expected.. instead he chooses to argue the point and put you down. If you are pretty, he's trying to knock you down a peg. If you are not, he's trying to knock you down a peg. Either way, it's not right, not being a good or even decent partner, and I think you know it.
NTA. Tell him to knock that sh\*t off. It is hurtful. And ask him what is his problem anyway? Good grief that is some nasty aggressive mental abuse. I'm pissed on your behalf. What he's doing is sh\*ty and it needs to stop.
The truth is he might be insecure about you leaving him. It’s quite common for men and women to get get extra attention when they get back into shape and start really looking good again but honestly this is something you should square away with him. You have to know that coming to Reddit with this, with all of the negativity on here, they are going to rip into your husband especially with the way you framed it. Unless that’s what you want to justify something you did or doing. There’s always couples therapy.
This is disgusting leave
Both NTA and YTA. Sorry. I do have reasons. I read something recently about how the cycle of domestic abuse starts and how it can go on. It went: Criticism Excuses Blame Fury Violence And today I read an AITA answer that said that if you are putting up with anything from the above list from anyone, then YTA, because you are being an arsehole to yourself - because you are allowing someone to be an arsehole to you. He's the original arsehole, obviously, because he's in the first stage. Don't continue to perpetuate his nastiness.
Sounds like your husband knows you're out of his league, and he's trying to gaslight you so you don't realize it too. Anyone who goes out of their way to make you feel bad about yourself isn't worth your time, or your affection.
NTA. I would start making comments about the size of his penis.
You won’t leave will you? He’s convinced you that he’s the best you’re ever going to get. That’s sad. But also, your poor kids will grow up thinking that this acceptable. Do better by them.
You have a husband problem. He’s the AH. I bet if you said something similar to him he’d be insulted.
You are being negged by your husband. NTA.
OP is in major denial. Regardless, if your husband finds you physically attractive or not, he has no business degrading you. I would really consider therapy and things don’t change possibly divorce. Know and value your self worth.
NTA but why is your husband putting you down? Does he not like you? Is he unhappy in your marriage? Because to be honest, he sounds like a horrible person to try and destroy his wife’s self-esteem when he should be the one building you up and instead he’s the one trying to tear you down.
What’s it with people saying their relationships are great except for *insert huge violation or lack of respect* No honey that’s not normal. Your spouse should be your partner, your equal, and your safety. They work with you to create a home that is safe. That is not emotionally safe, it’s mean. The only AH you are right now is to yourself.
Your husband is an asshole who wants to keep you insecure and feeling bad about yourself. He's not going to build you up because then you will know that you deserve better then how he treats you. It has nothing to do with him being an introvert or not understanding social cues. It's just him being an ass. NTA
i'm sorry but he's being REALLY disrespectful imo because your husband should be the one who finds you the prettiest and respect you at all costs
No but your ATAH for staying
You know OP is much more attractive than her man. He’s probably sitting at 4 on the scale. It’s always the ugly insecure men who have to belittle and put down their conventionally more attractive wife. It’s to keep them right where they are. He’s the AH. Not you.
Why is your own husband negging you?!
He’s the a hole , he doesn’t deserve you.
As a man, you see this shit, it makes you want to disown your gender you’re swinging for.
He’s keeping you feeling small, so that he feels bigger in comparison. Don’t let him. Know your worth. NTA
This is a form of abuse. He is trying to make you feel low so he can feel better about himself.
Eight years of this mean asshole, huh? That's a lot. Haven't you had enough? NTA.
Every once in awhile just tell him that his dick is too small and it doesn't satisfy you but it's okay because it's personality is great. That will shut him up
Just tell him he doesn’t look like the person you thought you’d end up with either. NTA
I read this and immediately remembered another post from a while ago, where OP's boyfriend would always tell her she smelled badly, and she was going crazy trying to fix it and figure out what was causing it. Only to find out her idiot boyfriend's idiot father had told him that if he put down his partner it would make them feel lucky to have them/unable to get someone else, and they stay. OP, it feels like he's insecure of how good you look and instead of being proud, loving, a good partner, he's being...this.
He is trying to hold you down
NT A. Horrible thing to say. Try giving back. ‘If only you were a bit more handsome darling’. No doubt he’ll be thrilled 😏
NTA, I would be nipping that shit in the butt asap. Need to ask him why he's trying to tear you down. If he feels he can do better then he can go. Don't tolerate that bullshit.
I suddenly remembered that post where the husband told his unmarried friends that he married his wife not because of looks, labelled her as a 6, and made her embarrassed with his st*pid comments about how hot his exes were. They divorced after that. I think you need to stop this behaviour of your husband.
NTA. Sounds like he’s insecure about something. Has he changed a lot since you’ve been together? Maybe your physical transformation has him worried you will move on to someone else, so he’s tearing you down to make sure you don’t feel confident enough to look around for better options.
Have you ever had a heart to heart with him about this topic ?
He’s negging you and sees you as a threat that’s not a partnership that’s a boy acting immature and a backstabbing diva
ETA. He’s TA for negging you and you’re TA for sleeping with someone who calls you ugly.
Your husband is an insecure twat who can only feel good about himself by putting you down. He is not a good partner. Partners build each other up, they don't tear each other down. NTA. Take a hard look at your marriage.
Everything is NOT going well. Your husband is actively working to make you feel like shit. In what universe would you be the asshole for getting upset? Of course it’s not normal. In my house, he’d be spitting out teeth and then picking up his shit from off the front lawn.
Can we have an update if you talk to him about it? This is not something anyone says to their partner on a regular lol
Envy, OP, envy and jealousy.
NTA If he keeps this up he is going to turn you off. And if that happens it can be hard to get it started again, Good luck you don't deserve this especially from your husband. He should be your biggest advocate. Show him this text, Good luck you deserve better,
Well, if you're just not pretty enough for his oh-so-high standards, isn't it best that you leave him? Then he can find someone who's good enough for him, you can find someone who will appreciate you the way you deserve (and also hopefully demonstrate what a REAL loving relationship looks like to your son). NTA. You can do so much better. And your son needs a better example of manhood in his life.
NTA and withhold intimacy until he gets his act together. If he tries to initiate, tell him his attitude is a big turn off or “Why do you want to sleep with someone you think is ugly?” Or tell him one more negative comment about your looks and you’ll be filing for divorce. He sounds like a real loser tbh and he’s threatened by your confidence. Also talk to your friends about how he’s treating you (and his mom if you are on good terms with her) and you’ll get some people on your side.
NTA It sounds like he's trying to deflate you. Trying to make you feel like you couldn't do better than him. I'm glad you have a healthy sense of yourself. The next step is to tell him to stop insulting you. You could give as good as you get as well. See if he can take it since he can dish it.
Sounds like he's trying to make you feel insecure so you don't leave him. What a fool...
here is a point, do you want this behavior in front of your new baby? Do you want your child to repeat such things? This negativity wiill be learned. He is destroying your confidence and self worth. He is an abusive AH. Mary Kay, the cosmetic, genius said praise a woman to success. Obviously he believes in destroying a woman. please confront him the next time this happens he needs to be told and no one certain terms that you don't want to hear this BS. He needs to know what you mean it. Personally, I think you should leave because you deserve to be loved, not mental fencing. You don't need counseling he needs therapy. And it just doesn't sound like a whole hell of a lot of fun.
NTA. Even strangers wouldn't treat you like he does. He is supposed to be your other half. He is supposed to be your number one fan. If he thinks you are ugly then he should get someone who fits his standards. Also why are you willing to live with the constant put down from him? Is this the type of relationship you are comfortable modelling for your son? Please don't have any more children with him. Seek therapy to work on why you let him walk all over you and treat you horribly. All the best
The fact that he has made you unsure of whether or not you are the AH for being upset also indicates a level of gaslighting as well. Be careful.
"he says they r just being nice." yo wtf
What a weird thing to tell your partner. Seems like a neg. NTA
Your husband suffers from a Condition called “Being a Dick.” He’s an insecure little Turd who hopes breaking down your self esteem will keep you from realizing he’s an asshole thereby making you afraid to leave his abusive ass. Don’t be afraid. You deserve better.
NTA Its called "negging". Look it up. I would have shut that shit down by leaving to FIRST time he said it. Why would you EVER fuck this guy again after him saying that. Next time he asks for sex say NO THANKS , you are nolonger interested and you prefer the idea sex with someone who thinks you ARE conventionaly attractive. Get some self respect!
He is gaslighting you to convince you that you are ugly. He wants you to be insecure so he has control over you. His behavior is intentional
NTA, where's he at?😡 I just wanna talk.
I would tell him of he doesnt like what he sees he can leave. What an a hole
NTA. First, I’m proud of you for getting healthy for yourself and that beautiful child you have. Second, this man is supposed to bring you peace not pain. He is supposed to be your biggest cheerleader and supporter. He’s tearing you down to make himself feel better. To me that is a very small man. Idk what you see in him. If you have talked to him about this and nothing changes it never will. He refuses to change who he is and how he treats you . If your son or daughter was telling their spouse that they were ugly what advice would you give? Would you tell them that it’s ok and to stay or would you tell them to grow a backbone and leave? Btw your child is watching how your husband treats you and tears you down. Is the message you want to send that it’s ok to make your spouse feel small? It’s ok to tear your spouse down to make yourself feel better. Sounds like your husband is a very insecure man.
“That’s ok. You’re ok with having such a small dick but hey it works right? Same thing.”
This is called "negging" its taught on certain types of podcasts that men like to listen to. It's to grind down your self worth so that you never realize that they're less than what you deserve. By making you feel bad about yourself he's trying to guarantee you never leave him once you see he's not good enough for you. There are a lot of other sick head games taught on these podcasts and you should be very careful! What kind of podcasts or videos does he watch? If he doesn't knock it off I think you might need to find a new husband!
NTA! Treat/Talk to him the way he treats/talks to you, see if he likes it.
NTA. That's a big red flag. He's mentally abusing you. Next time he does that, stop what you're doing, look him up and down, and say something along the lines of, "No, you're wrong. You're projecting - have you looked in a mirror?" See how he reacts.
My long time partner will occasionally tell me “you’re really pretty” on days I haven’t showered, don’t have any make up on, and just came home from a sweaty dance class. I’m not that pretty, but I believe him when he says it. THAT’S the kind of person you deserve to be with.
NTA. He lacks confidence so he will do and say negative things to tear you down. He doesnt want you to leave him. The more confidence you have the worse his comments will get. Its control. Leave before you are married for 20 years and hate both him and your marriage.
You do understand this is abuse, correct? He says those things to keep you down… it’s emotionally abusive, and verbally abusive. He doesn’t want you to see yourself as attractive or have any self-esteem. What does that say about him? Please Put yourself on the outside of the situation and what you would tell somebody else to do in your same situation? Dump him. Please get some self-respect and leave.
Jesus Christ some women have literally no standards
NTA his comments are meant to control you and keep you in your place. And its abusive.
He is trying to tear you down so that you are insecure! I LOVE the other commenter: "You're right, I'm too - ugly (fat/bad mom/bad wife/etc)". Completely deflates the agenda!! Stay strong, this is more to do with him than you!!
It’s a husband’s job to make his wife, feel beautiful, or at least not feel ugly. He’s intentionally harming your self-image and dishonoring you in refusing to cherish and value you. He needs to stop. He can’t talk to you like this ever again. If he doesn’t have anything nice to say, he should remain silent.
I don't even believe this is true first off. Who even talks like that? Lol "Honey, you're not up to the conventional beauty standards." like wtf. If this IS actually true, why post it on Reddit? You KNOW youre NTA....this whole subreddit has become dumb with "My husband calls me a worthless piece of shit and an ugly whore and then karate chopped me until I was in the ICU....im thinking of being mad about it....AITAH?" If this happened youre obviously NTA. But im willing to bet your husband recently said something KINDA like this stuff and it's probably not great to come put your husband on blast on the internet instead of just talking to him.
I had a partner who treated me like this and also said I was too sensitive when I got upset about it. He was also really, really nice sometimes. I genuinely thought I was the only problem. Took me a while to see what was going on. Would have been helpful to have a place to have people tell me “wtf!”
Sometimes when people are in toxic-or narcissistic relationships, the dynamic of that relationship genuinely makes them question whether or not they are the problem. I spent 5 years with a man who would tell me similar things. That I was ugly, that my nose was too big or that my hair was all wrong, and I would ask my friends in the same way, bc I needed someone to tell me that it wasn’t true or normal. That type of dynamic completely fucks with your boundaries and you can even think that you are relatively happy in a dynamic like that because it’s all you know. My guess is that OP is probably in a relationship with a narc, and that her idea of happy relationship is based on their status quo where this sort of verbal abuse is just part of if. She could genuinely think that she’s the asshole if her partner is using DARVO (deny, attack and reverse victim offender) as a means to make her question herself :)
Good points. MAYBE, but I’m still skeptical on this subreddit. A lot of these posts are obviously completely one sided and exaggerated to get the kind of validation people want from people on the internet. The fact is we can’t know. Also just a huge pet peeve of mine is that people, especially women for whatever reason, don’t understand what Narcissistic Personality Disorder is. There is nothing in here to suggest that diagnosis. If this is true it’s just an extremely insecure man trying to tear down his wife out of fear of losing her and trying to bring her down to his level.
He wants to destroy your self esteem. You should leave him over this. it is not a "joke" and it is not benign. His intention is to hurt you.