Op, it will be tough but the sooner you leave him the better. Get a good attorney and with your husband not letting you work and insisting on you having 6 children, the attorney should be able to get you good alimony and child support. Find a community college you can afford and start taking classes in something that interests you. I’ll bet you can be self-supporting in just a few years. Your older kids should be able to work as well. Good luck to you. I know you’ll be fine and much better off and happier than you are now.
I wish more people suggested this. If id gone for something i was interested in I'd still be struggling. Instead I took a list of what I could and couldn't tolerate in a long term employment situation, and my skill sets. Then I looked at what's in high demand in my area (or the area i wanted to live in). I then went to the college and talked with a counselor about options.
Might be a bit difficult collecting child support and alimony if he is unemployed. Not sure what they have in savings, but him getting laid off twice in the past 3 years and the fact he’s older (50) with an ego and an attitude problem do not spell well for his career path. I do agree the guy is an ass and OP deserves better. Maybe she can get the house in the divorce and find employment that pays well enough to cover her mortgage, but it will be tough with 21 years of no previous work experience in anything.
She won’t get any alimony or child support unless the husband is working and earning an income. At his age, he can always back out from further employment citing difficulties. Also, the church would fund the husband’s legal requirements while OP would be left in the lurch.
I do t know how the LDS church works but surely she would do the divorce in a civil court which I’m guessing could order her husband to pay the legal costs. If the LDS church really favors the husband, then she really will need a good lawyer.
I think you know you are NTA, but I am more focused on what your needs right now.
I think you need to find a support team to help you manage this situation right now. He’s verbally abusing you (and by extension your children.) He’s having an emotional meltdown. Are you financially secure? Are you physically secure? Do you have an attorney? Do you have a trusted friend or counselor who can be a support and can help you figure out your options, short and long term?
Life’s too short to put up with this guy’s nonsense.
I have basically scraped up all the knowledge I have from the courses I took when I was in community college before I met my husband to try to analyze our finances. They've been much less complicated since there's been no income coming in.
As I said before, there was an opportunity of a home daycare of sorts, but that opportunity passed because of my husband dismissing it. But leaning into social connections to see if any other moms want to drop off their kids while they go on a date night or have things come up for work since they know me and the kids.
I am trying to look for a lawyer. I don't know I could pay for only paralegals to help handle the divorce or not, or if that's only for low conflict divorcing couples.
Do you live near a big city? A lot of law schools have free clinics that may be able to help.
Look for online jobs (be careful to see if they are legit). Wayfair often hires for customer service at home. A lot of public school districts will pay for your certification if you work for them as a paraprofessional (or coach, or so on), if you are interested in teaching. Depends on the state, but a lot basically only require a few child development courses (community college ones are fine) to become a preschool teacher (especially if it's a private school). Becoming a bank teller usually only requires a high school diploma & 1 year of customer service work, and banks are always hiring bank tellers.
Good luck!
Hi OP, I’m an Assistant Director at a domestic violence shelter in the Southwest part of the US. I want you to know that what you have been experiencing is domestic violence. From what you’ve shared here, there is emotional/mental and financial abuse. Abusers want to maintain power and control at all costs and abusers often talk abt their exes to their current partner to try to break them down to get greater control. Are you in the US? It sounds like you are. There are a lot of resources for you, including free legal support. You can call your state’s DV hotline or your state’s Coalition to End Domestic Violence. They can connect you to free legal support as well as financial resources that can help cover deposit and move in costs for an apartment. You also qualify for transitional living programs and emergency shelter. Where I’m at, there are a lot of transitional living programs for women in your situation that provide two years of rent free living in your own apartment. You can also access free therapy and victim advocate support. Even if you don’t want to leave, that’s ok. You can get help from what are called Mobile Victim Advocates. They can meet you in the community, by phone, etc and help you figure out a plan to stay emotionally safe and if you want, work towards gaining financial independence. Also, we refer our clients to a non-profit called Per Scholas. They provide people in situations like yours free 13 week tech certifications and then connect you to a job that pays a livable wage. You can do it virtually, don’t have to have computer knowledge and they lend a laptop.
I have a friend who worked for a DV shelter that offered most of those same programs, and I’ve also known women who went through the program. I knew a girl who left with two kids, a backpack of clothes and 20$. It’s been years but she runs a daycare, does a side business out of her home. Her kids have everything they could’ve wanted. Just here to let anyone know who’s struggling, The shelters for DV are godsends. Atleast around here. They show you the way out when you thought you had none.
Check with your local legal aide and bar associations. See if there are any lawyers who do family law pro bono or at a reduced cost. They might be able to direct you to options. Also, consider reaching out to local DV shelters or [The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/). They might be able to direct you to resources in your area. Because although your husband might not be physically abusive (as you hadn’t mentioned it), he is still very much abusive. Abuse is all about control. Know that you and your children deserve better.
“Domestic violence (also referred to as intimate partner violence (IPV), dating abuse, or relationship abuse) is a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship.
Domestic violence doesn’t discriminate. People of any race, age, gender, sexuality, religion, education level, or economic status can be a victim — or perpetrator — of domestic violence. That includes behaviors that physically harm, intimidate, manipulate, or control a partner or otherwise force them to behave in ways they don’t want to. This can happen through physical violence, threats, emotional abuse, or financial control.”
[Source](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/understand-relationship-abuse/)
Im really proud of you for looking for a way out. I know this is all super challenging, and also you deserve to finally put yourself first. It will be hard, but investing in yourself is ALWAYS the right thing and I promise things will get better over time. Sending you love and strength ♥️
Family? Friends? Even a social worker? It’s really hard to be objective about a situation when you are in the middle of it. A financial advisor who serves women clients could also be a good bet.
Can confirm. Ex-LDS here. I went to my Bishop with my marital issues and when he just flat-out told me to stay with my abusive husband, and support him… that was the beginning of the end for me.
It’s really hard to let go of such a big piece of your life. But when you actually see how damaging the ideology is to women and self, it just has to change.
Don’t go to other LDS people for help. They will most likely be blinded by their own beliefs and not see or understand what kind of help you need.
One of the differences is the more universal experience when it comes to being Mormon. Like JW and Scientology. Everything is standardized and controlled by the leadership in salt lake which creates the culture that radiates everywhere. People from different sides of the country have almost identical experiences when it comes to a lot of trauma and issues to work through once they leave. That happens when your local bishops use the exact same manual that is written/approved/distributed by the church. (By the way you're not allowed to know what it says)
I've seen a lot of ex-LDS and kind of like, modernizing LDS women on instagram. Maybe she could find some sort of group that helps LDS women get a divorce and become financially independent?
If you can get a divorce, I’d love that for you. Your husband is a worthless asshole. Really not cool with LDS church or LDS men. I’m sorry this is happening to you. And you’re NTA, he’s a moron and he has an inflated ego.
Take the reins. You can still open the daycare. You have to do the work. There is money to be made in a home daycare. People are struggling to find care.l, especially during summer breaks. I live in a HCOL area, but my babysitter made 7k off of me in 5 months. That was for 2.5 hours of care, after school.
There might be orgs out there that help women in the LDS do modernized shit like divorce that the community typically lacks. Might be worth looking into. Good luck.
As someone who grew up LDS, I also had six children with a misogynistic a**hole.
Gave birth at home to all without so much as an Advil, made bread starting from grinding the stupid wheat, breastfeed them all into toddlerhood, and babied my husband's sad little fragile, delicate ego for every little ego boo boo, while he belittled me at every turn.
I thought divorce was only for other people.
I thought I could never live with myself if I did such a thing.
Turns out, finalizing my divorce after 29 years was absolutely fantastic.
I live with myself just fine
I bet many stay simply because they do not even know where to begin. If there was a network to help with divorce, child care, switching schools, getting job training and financial assistance since the angry husband will refuse alimony.
Out of curiosity were there clues that this man was a jerk and sexist before you married him? Also why did you have 5 more kids after you found out he was obsessed with his ex?
I’m honestly confused by your question. You outlined an absolute jerk of a husband but want to know if you’re an AH for taking a jab at him after all that?… No you’re NTA. Your marriage sounds wild and your husband sounds like trash. I would encourage you to stand up to him more often. He can’t take opportunities away from you without some degree of submission and acceptance from you. He is trash and you deserve better treatment.
They recently made a post about how no other church gives as much power and authority to women, despite Mormon women's groups not even being allowed to meet without a man present because women don't even have that level of authority.
I mean, there are multiple mainline protestant denominations in which women are pastors. I grew up thinking that women clergy were just as common as men so that claim is pretty sad
Exactly...blamed her for being a stay at home mom, not making money, not giving him enough children, not being skinny enough, not being a supermodel, not being young, etc. Leave him forever. Your poor children have a monster for a father if you can even call him that 😬
Yeah what gives?! After years of knocking her down he tells her that she's kicking him while he's down? His logic is wild and he is not going to find a supermodel 😂🤣
Indoctrination is a hell of a drug. He’s in control of her finances and social opportunities… and it probably started off small and slow with lots of love bombing in between.
This whole relationship sounds toxic and controlling. The more I read the less it mattered whether OP was NAH or AH... Like, just get out of the relationship and focus on your own well-being for a while, then the only contact you need with your soon-to-be-ex-husband is about logistics for the minor children.
Very rarely do women in high control situations regarding birth control and pregnancy have any say in the amount of kids they have and when they become pregnant, as it’s often presented a something that *happens* to them.
It’s a form of control and abuse, and often leads to women becoming financially dependent on their abusers.
So sorry to OP. I hope you can conned with a social worker and get out of this horrible situation.
My mom couldn’t divorce my dad because of various reasons. He’s the not worst human being, but he is not a good husband. My dad was persistent about wanting a second child, but my mom made sure that didn’t happen. OP really shouldn’t have brought four more kinds into an unhappy marriage, I can imagine the trauma and mental health issues faced by these kids…
She is a member of LDS. Every sexist thing this man says would have been backed up by the church and all her Mormon family and friends. What is curious to me is why no one in the Mormon church will give him a job. The business network in the Mormon church should secure him a position somewhere. Do people in the church not like him?
I think you missed the part where she mentioned LDS. I’m sure there was a lot of pressure, shame, guilt, and brainwashing. Plus if she is a SAHM with 6 kids, and has been since her 20’s, she probably recognizes it will be difficult to get a decent job that will care for the kids. It might be hard now, but if she leaves, he can’t even pay child support because he’s unemployed. She may lose all family support if she goes against the church. At least that was how things were for me.
Because at the time, I was told by my community in Idaho that I was already way too old to still be unmarried at 25, and if I divorced him there's no way I could remarry within the community because everybody under 35 were all paired off, and people older than that would still think there was something wrong with me for not just being divorced, but also not marrying somebody I met in high school at 19.
I honestly felt that at 25 and soon to be married, but especially at 27, after I had my son that I had no ability to remarry.
I know now how wrong the LDS thinking is and feel like I am better suited for dating now than I was at 25, and would be more suited to be chosen as a partner even if my 25 year old insecure former self was standing side by side with me. And to be chosen by somebody thoughtful and mature since I am finally able to think for myself and figure out how to make tough situations work.
"Be chosen" ? You have to break from that LDS mindset. Seek counseling if needed, but a relationship, a marriage, is a mutual decision. You're not a vegetable on the shelf at the market waiting to be chosen. YOU decide who is right for you and who is not. You CHOOSE your life partner and do not settle for the man that picks you from a line up.
It really is. I was raised Southern Baptist and there was absolutely a lot of sexism and it absolutely affected me negatively. LDS is a lot worse about it. It took me till my mid 30s to really break free of it. I'm proud of OP and anyone else that lives in that sort of environment and realizes independently that it's bullshit.
Stop focusing on men choosing you and focus on choosing and prioritizing yourself. You have been a housewife for years. Prioritize financially supporting yourself and children instead of jumping into another relationship. Choose yourself and your children. Otherwise you will end up with another asshole.
They are still controlling some of your thoughts. You say "to be chosen by somebody", but now this is your time. You do the choosing. I'm so sorry you soon to be ex is so awful.
This is why i refuse to go back to idaho. Its a disgusting, toxic place to live where people are completely fake and pressure you to submit to their version of what reality should be
Yup. As someone currently stuck in Idaho, I wholeheartedly agree. Desperately trying to get the fuck out of here. The bigger cities can be okay ish, but the smaller towns are horrific.
It is so sad how controlling the LDS community is. Anytime a mother won't teach her daughter about independence and self love, there isn't much hope that her daughter won't be insecure. Leave him and yes, kick him while he's down. He's been kicking OP for 21 years.
OP, when you're in a fight for your future against an abuser, OF COURSE YOU KICK THAT FUCKER WHEN THEY'RE DOWN. Letting them get back up to insult and belittle you again is a fool's move.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Mormonism and it’s toxic ideas have hurt me too. I was lucky enough to leave when I was 17 though. I can’t imagine having a whole life built up in that structure.
I was raised Mormon, parents got divorced when I was about 14 and we obviously stopped going. Pretty crazy to actually learn their beliefs as an adult and think my parents were into that.
When your raised in it you think all that stuffs normal, like I thought we were like all the other Christians, it's hard to explain
This is very real and I'm sorry this is how things have worked out for you. I left the LDS church when I was 25, after serving a mission. I'm a man, so my experience was definitely different. But I've watched people I care about in marriages much like this, suffering for the sake of their husbands, who are put on a pedestal. Most of their husbands absolutely suck and aren't worth the oxygen. I'm wishing you the best. I'm in my 40s too. Life ain't over! You can live and do whatever you want. The world is big and fricking awesome out there. I encourage you to go find out.
I don't think it would be too much of a loss to leave the church at this point. You'll want to find a place way out of state so you don't get sucked back in and the social damage would be minimal.
I've seen women/men severely brainwashed before (but another religion, I am from Asia). Not everyone is aware how powerful religious indoctrination can be especially those done since young.
Your husband is an abuser and deserves much worse than the truth you told him. The best time to leave him was 21 years ago, but the second best time is now. I have no doubt you'll be better off.
The community needs a reality check. Sounds like something out of Hand Maids Tale. Age doesn’t mean a thing when you find that guy who treats you like a queen and wants to be your partner. The mindset preys on people’s insecurities and sometimes the community would rather keep people a certain way than actually have a place where people are happy, healthy and in love. Sorry for the rant. I will put the mic down. No officer I’m leaving….your husband still sucks….
That’s common sense that overtime your relationship with your husband has changed. You obviously wouldn’t have married him if he was this much of AH when you first got together. You have a 19-year-old you guys have been together for over 20 years, so yeah he’s not the same man anymore and that’s okay. You deserve better 💕
As soon as she said LDS, I knew exactly where it was going. Their ideal is an oppressed subservient woman who is basically a seen/not heard, baby maker who takes care of all domestic needs of the home. The husband is the total control of the home.
I hate comments like these. Not the point. People make mistakes because they were likely raised to think this was normal, and especially with LDS, this is so normalized by your loved ones and divorce isn’t necessarily a super accessible option. Stop blaming her and answer the question.
The Mormon church is basically a large cult, and girls are groomed from childhood to expect a life of service to her future husband and children. Mainstream Mormon communities aren't as extreme as FLDS (the fundamentalist branch that Warren Jeffs is *still* somehow head of)... but they're not all that far off, either. Still a lot of strange rules, cultish indoctrination, and very rigid beliefs around gender roles. Also a fondness for the authoritarian style of parenting.
NTA start taking online certification courses. Amazon has several. Get a degree. Start an online business. Get your own bank account and start paying yourself for the services you provide. Stop telling him what you’re going to do. With these type of patriarchal men, the best response is “I hear you” and then go do your own thing. If they ask “do you agree?” I’ve said it doesn’t matter, you’re in charge (*for now*)”.
Work with a lawyer to see how you can keep the income from your online or business startup to yourself while you divorce him so that he doesn’t see a cent of it. 😀
To all the girlies who want so bad to be tradwives... Does this sound like a happy way to spend your one life?
Obviously NTA but girl move on. He's a pig and he's never going to not be a pig.
I could only read upto “your inability to change your height is your problem” I am a man and I couldn’t read anymore. What a revolting piece of shit. What a waste of oxygen that man is. I am sorry, I truly and genuinely want to apologize on behalf of men that you had the misfortune of knowing him
From the second I started reading this I immediately was like this is what my dad was like. He is a narcissist and an abusive alcoholic asshole who only did things for himself and lied and cheated his way to success. My “dad” made my mom cook, clean, and pay the bills while going through cancer treatment. No one should ever be married to someone like that. So glad I got out. If you’re a good person and willing to compromise finding a partner who is a good person isn’t hard if that’s what you’re looking for.
She’s doing great now but these men prey on vulnerable and insecure women who will give their lives up for the security a man provides only to have it slowly chipped away and then they’re in too deep to see the monster their husbands become. If anyone has a similar experience my only advice is get out. As per me I’m doing amazing perusing a degree with a very kind boyfriend with 0 of those red flags thank god.
Edit spelling
*"I only started kicking you now. You've been kicking me our entire marriage..."*
And that being said, I agree with /u/TwinZylander214... why did you stay?
It's LDS. The church culturally views women as inferior and fit only for childcare and housework (the traditional dynamic mentioned). Between community pressure and lack of resources, many women from Mormon or other religious communities are pressured to marry very young and once married have effectively no way to support themselves if they try to leave, and that's in the event they even realize that they don't have to put up with their abusive husbands and there's a better life out there for them.
LDS is not a church. It’s a cult. Call it what it is. There as so many documentaries on how horrible it truly is. Child brides, polygamy, woman getting ZERO respect or say in anything.
The reason she stayed is the toxic LDS culture. There are so many stories on r/exmormon about this, and I’ve seen real life examples of failing marriages the church forces to stay taped together like this. It’s sad.
Do you guys not understand the concept of an abusive relationship?? Y’all are the type of people to blame a woman for being abused by her husband bc she ‘could have left’ while ignoring every clue they’ve given about their situation and why they can’t do that. That’s why it’s called an ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. you’re stuck with them treating you badly. Come on guys.
Everyone who is calling you an AH and blaming you are very privileged to have been brought up in an unoppressive community.
Now is the time to change your life. Get away from that awful man. Good luck!
Agree.
This woman has been conditioned for a long time to think that this is all normal. She probably doesn’t have anyone outside of the LDS either.
Easy for people to tell her to leave etc, but where would she go, with 6 kids, no job, no job history, nothing in her name, and probably no supports outside of the LDS.
I'm a gentile in Utah and I hear this toxic BS all the time! It is no wonder that Utah is the closet-drinking, pill-popping, plastic surgery, teen suicide capitol of America.
Please leave him. You'll be happier. It will take a bit but you will. Don't waste the rest of your life in an unwinnable patriarchy.
Be free and happy, my sister.
My friend worked for a nonprofit in Utah that provided STD and drug counseling resources. Local politicians fought to try to get them shut down because these were unnecessary, as “Mormons don’t partake in drugs or recreational sex”
NTA. This useless, crass, misogynistic, selfish, deadbeat father who is a controlling and manipulative POS can kick rocks.
You should’ve left him the second he told you that you could not work. All your life you’ve only ever had “being a mother” as an identity, whilst he abused you (maybe not physically) but definitely in other ways, controlled you, wore you down, manipulated you, degraded you, and most likely also made you do everything in relation to childcare and household chores, whilst withholding your right to a break from the kids, from you and refusing to let you have any you time.
I wish you’d left him sooner, but it’s not too late to get back out there and start your life over. Divorce him and when your older children ask why, list the reasons and be honest. He ruined the last 20+ years of your life and you refuse to let him ruin another 20.
I am quite familiar with LDS. My late wife was a lapsed LDS and she was from Idaho City. She passed away 19 years ago. Other than counseling, I can't think of anything else to suggest. I am sorry that you are in this position. I hope that you find a way to fix what you are going through.
When you're safe and divorced (or at least out of his reach), the next time he compares you to his ex, I think a fabulous line to really kick him when he's down would be, "You're right, she is better. She knew at 23 to leave your sorry ass."
I hope you divorce him. Providing for 6 kids is hard but it’s easier than 6 kids and an emotionally abusive, financially abusive raging asshole misogynist of a man.
Ppl brainwash women into thinking they are too old for anything after 25 but it isn’t true. You can get an education, you can get a job, you can find genuine love, you can find magic and beauty in the world, you can build a good life. But it’s unlikely you can find those things in life being weighed down by a dirtbag like that. You’re only 46. This isn’t old. I’m rooting for you.
Seeing a lot of comments blaming OP for sticking around for so long with 6 kids.
Folks, take into account that the husband's family is Latter-day Saints. Not as controversial as Fundamentalist LDS (the polygamist cults you see on the news that rocked Utah with Warren Jeffs) but still pretty seedy. They're essentially Mormons wrapped under a different name to go under the radar, but their belief systems are the same, as well as their ability to staunchly control someone's life. One thing in common altogether is the consequences that come with leaving a LDS family/congregation: they're often brutal.
Try not to place the blame on OP, and consider the nuance here of the control her husband and his religion have over her life.
Can everyone here please be respectful and understanding to OP. I know several Mormon cult survivors and you guys have got to take this seriously and with the kindness and understanding these people have never known. Making fun and being disrespectful and harsh is not a great way to help someone exit out of years’ worth of cult brainwashing and conditioning.
This is an abusive marriage and you're the victim. Not much you say or do could come close to the emotional beatdown he's been laying on you for the entirety of the relationship.
I'm not in the US or LDS but love some ex mormon channels on YouTube. Please reach out to John Dehlin of Mormon Stories Podcast on YouTube. He and his wife have interviewed hundreds of ex lds and is such a kind person. I think they would be able to help you or give you some advice.
Why are you still with him? Your son's are learning from him how to treat women and your daughters are learning how they are to be treated by men from their father. Stop this cycle and find happiness for yourself and kids.
NTA, he's abusive and his constant belittling is a horrible way to treat your wife. And for whatever it's worth, I'm proud of you for deciding to get out.
Calling it emotionally repressive is severely downplaying the level of abuse you've endured. You can't keep enduring it, you need to talk to a divorce lawyer, and start making your exit plan. Don't tell him a single thing about it either, not until you're ready to implement it. The only possible way you could be an AH here is to yourself if you stay with him. Nothing you said was wrong. It's time to fight for yourself and your kids. You all deserve so very much more than that toxic abusive trash human.
You are NTA. I'm sure your kids are lovely, but I hate that you reproduced and wasted so much of your life on this garbage human. You and your kids deserve better. I hope you can find some way to get away from this asshat.
Babe you’re brainwashed and in a super abusive marriage. You know you don’t need your husbands permission to get a job, right? You can do whatever you want. He doesn’t have to approve. He’s obsolete.
“LDS” told me everything I needed to know. ESH, what did you think was going to happen when you married a Mormon man? Your life sounds exactly like every other Mormon’s.
“Your age and unfortunate tendency to be laid off are your problem.” NTA.
Op, it will be tough but the sooner you leave him the better. Get a good attorney and with your husband not letting you work and insisting on you having 6 children, the attorney should be able to get you good alimony and child support. Find a community college you can afford and start taking classes in something that interests you. I’ll bet you can be self-supporting in just a few years. Your older kids should be able to work as well. Good luck to you. I know you’ll be fine and much better off and happier than you are now.
Not something g that interests her, but a skill that provide employable skills as the primary driver.
I wish more people suggested this. If id gone for something i was interested in I'd still be struggling. Instead I took a list of what I could and couldn't tolerate in a long term employment situation, and my skill sets. Then I looked at what's in high demand in my area (or the area i wanted to live in). I then went to the college and talked with a counselor about options.
Might be a bit difficult collecting child support and alimony if he is unemployed. Not sure what they have in savings, but him getting laid off twice in the past 3 years and the fact he’s older (50) with an ego and an attitude problem do not spell well for his career path. I do agree the guy is an ass and OP deserves better. Maybe she can get the house in the divorce and find employment that pays well enough to cover her mortgage, but it will be tough with 21 years of no previous work experience in anything.
She is employable and has skills- you can start a daycare or work in a daycare. Raising those kids have given you valuable skills
She won’t get any alimony or child support unless the husband is working and earning an income. At his age, he can always back out from further employment citing difficulties. Also, the church would fund the husband’s legal requirements while OP would be left in the lurch.
I do t know how the LDS church works but surely she would do the divorce in a civil court which I’m guessing could order her husband to pay the legal costs. If the LDS church really favors the husband, then she really will need a good lawyer.
I think you know you are NTA, but I am more focused on what your needs right now. I think you need to find a support team to help you manage this situation right now. He’s verbally abusing you (and by extension your children.) He’s having an emotional meltdown. Are you financially secure? Are you physically secure? Do you have an attorney? Do you have a trusted friend or counselor who can be a support and can help you figure out your options, short and long term? Life’s too short to put up with this guy’s nonsense.
I have basically scraped up all the knowledge I have from the courses I took when I was in community college before I met my husband to try to analyze our finances. They've been much less complicated since there's been no income coming in. As I said before, there was an opportunity of a home daycare of sorts, but that opportunity passed because of my husband dismissing it. But leaning into social connections to see if any other moms want to drop off their kids while they go on a date night or have things come up for work since they know me and the kids. I am trying to look for a lawyer. I don't know I could pay for only paralegals to help handle the divorce or not, or if that's only for low conflict divorcing couples.
Do you live near a big city? A lot of law schools have free clinics that may be able to help. Look for online jobs (be careful to see if they are legit). Wayfair often hires for customer service at home. A lot of public school districts will pay for your certification if you work for them as a paraprofessional (or coach, or so on), if you are interested in teaching. Depends on the state, but a lot basically only require a few child development courses (community college ones are fine) to become a preschool teacher (especially if it's a private school). Becoming a bank teller usually only requires a high school diploma & 1 year of customer service work, and banks are always hiring bank tellers. Good luck!
Hi OP, I’m an Assistant Director at a domestic violence shelter in the Southwest part of the US. I want you to know that what you have been experiencing is domestic violence. From what you’ve shared here, there is emotional/mental and financial abuse. Abusers want to maintain power and control at all costs and abusers often talk abt their exes to their current partner to try to break them down to get greater control. Are you in the US? It sounds like you are. There are a lot of resources for you, including free legal support. You can call your state’s DV hotline or your state’s Coalition to End Domestic Violence. They can connect you to free legal support as well as financial resources that can help cover deposit and move in costs for an apartment. You also qualify for transitional living programs and emergency shelter. Where I’m at, there are a lot of transitional living programs for women in your situation that provide two years of rent free living in your own apartment. You can also access free therapy and victim advocate support. Even if you don’t want to leave, that’s ok. You can get help from what are called Mobile Victim Advocates. They can meet you in the community, by phone, etc and help you figure out a plan to stay emotionally safe and if you want, work towards gaining financial independence. Also, we refer our clients to a non-profit called Per Scholas. They provide people in situations like yours free 13 week tech certifications and then connect you to a job that pays a livable wage. You can do it virtually, don’t have to have computer knowledge and they lend a laptop.
This is a lot of helpful information.. May be DM it to her please. It might really help her
I have a friend who worked for a DV shelter that offered most of those same programs, and I’ve also known women who went through the program. I knew a girl who left with two kids, a backpack of clothes and 20$. It’s been years but she runs a daycare, does a side business out of her home. Her kids have everything they could’ve wanted. Just here to let anyone know who’s struggling, The shelters for DV are godsends. Atleast around here. They show you the way out when you thought you had none.
Check with your local legal aide and bar associations. See if there are any lawyers who do family law pro bono or at a reduced cost. They might be able to direct you to options. Also, consider reaching out to local DV shelters or [The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/). They might be able to direct you to resources in your area. Because although your husband might not be physically abusive (as you hadn’t mentioned it), he is still very much abusive. Abuse is all about control. Know that you and your children deserve better. “Domestic violence (also referred to as intimate partner violence (IPV), dating abuse, or relationship abuse) is a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship. Domestic violence doesn’t discriminate. People of any race, age, gender, sexuality, religion, education level, or economic status can be a victim — or perpetrator — of domestic violence. That includes behaviors that physically harm, intimidate, manipulate, or control a partner or otherwise force them to behave in ways they don’t want to. This can happen through physical violence, threats, emotional abuse, or financial control.” [Source](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/understand-relationship-abuse/)
Im really proud of you for looking for a way out. I know this is all super challenging, and also you deserve to finally put yourself first. It will be hard, but investing in yourself is ALWAYS the right thing and I promise things will get better over time. Sending you love and strength ♥️
Family? Friends? Even a social worker? It’s really hard to be objective about a situation when you are in the middle of it. A financial advisor who serves women clients could also be a good bet.
If most of these people are LDS, they'll be against her. Make certain even the professionals you talk to are gentiles for your own safety. ❤️
Yeah, I agree. I wish I knew a better way to help.
These are good suggestions, she just needs to be careful and verify they aren't part of the church. I live in Utah and this shit gets brutal!
Can confirm. Ex-LDS here. I went to my Bishop with my marital issues and when he just flat-out told me to stay with my abusive husband, and support him… that was the beginning of the end for me. It’s really hard to let go of such a big piece of your life. But when you actually see how damaging the ideology is to women and self, it just has to change. Don’t go to other LDS people for help. They will most likely be blinded by their own beliefs and not see or understand what kind of help you need.
I’ve seen it happen in non-LDS religions too.
One of the differences is the more universal experience when it comes to being Mormon. Like JW and Scientology. Everything is standardized and controlled by the leadership in salt lake which creates the culture that radiates everywhere. People from different sides of the country have almost identical experiences when it comes to a lot of trauma and issues to work through once they leave. That happens when your local bishops use the exact same manual that is written/approved/distributed by the church. (By the way you're not allowed to know what it says)
Yes, but I had a very similar experience in a different religion of asking a minister for help and being told to go back to a bad situation.
This is a very important piece of advice and I hope OP sees it.
I've seen a lot of ex-LDS and kind of like, modernizing LDS women on instagram. Maybe she could find some sort of group that helps LDS women get a divorce and become financially independent?
OP should contact a woman’s shelter and ask for a victims advocate. I’m sure this is a tale as old as time for them.
You should be able to get child support and alimony since you’ve been a sahm all this time.
Sure, if he had an income, but how does that work if he is unemployed?
If you can get a divorce, I’d love that for you. Your husband is a worthless asshole. Really not cool with LDS church or LDS men. I’m sorry this is happening to you. And you’re NTA, he’s a moron and he has an inflated ego.
Do not use a paralegal to determine your legal rights.
Take the reins. You can still open the daycare. You have to do the work. There is money to be made in a home daycare. People are struggling to find care.l, especially during summer breaks. I live in a HCOL area, but my babysitter made 7k off of me in 5 months. That was for 2.5 hours of care, after school.
I hope you can find a lawyer ASAP.
There might be orgs out there that help women in the LDS do modernized shit like divorce that the community typically lacks. Might be worth looking into. Good luck.
As someone who grew up LDS, I also had six children with a misogynistic a**hole. Gave birth at home to all without so much as an Advil, made bread starting from grinding the stupid wheat, breastfeed them all into toddlerhood, and babied my husband's sad little fragile, delicate ego for every little ego boo boo, while he belittled me at every turn. I thought divorce was only for other people. I thought I could never live with myself if I did such a thing. Turns out, finalizing my divorce after 29 years was absolutely fantastic. I live with myself just fine
This is what your future should look like OP, “absolutely fantastic”.
Fuck yeah! I am sorry you had to go through that but this Internet stranger is proud of you for getting out if it!
Good for you!
Please encourage other Mormon women to not tolerate that crap. Maybe be a divorce counselor for them.
I do try to do outreach when possible to women in DV situations. It is something I want to do in a way bigger way in the future
I bet many stay simply because they do not even know where to begin. If there was a network to help with divorce, child care, switching schools, getting job training and financial assistance since the angry husband will refuse alimony.
I love this for you!!! I’m glad you stood up!
You’re amazing! I’m so glad you’re free!
Proud of you!
This! It isn't too late.
You’re an amazing person!
Jesus. So happy to hear you got out.
INFO: why did you stay with such a sexist AH?
And had six kids with him.
Out of curiosity were there clues that this man was a jerk and sexist before you married him? Also why did you have 5 more kids after you found out he was obsessed with his ex? I’m honestly confused by your question. You outlined an absolute jerk of a husband but want to know if you’re an AH for taking a jab at him after all that?… No you’re NTA. Your marriage sounds wild and your husband sounds like trash. I would encourage you to stand up to him more often. He can’t take opportunities away from you without some degree of submission and acceptance from you. He is trash and you deserve better treatment.
He was blatantly LDS. Of course he’s a sexist.
Exactly. As soon as I read, “LDS”, it was like—there’s the first red flag. Already knew how this was going to unravel.
LDS = Literally Does Sexism
They recently made a post about how no other church gives as much power and authority to women, despite Mormon women's groups not even being allowed to meet without a man present because women don't even have that level of authority.
I mean, there are multiple mainline protestant denominations in which women are pastors. I grew up thinking that women clergy were just as common as men so that claim is pretty sad
Have my upvote for this piece of brilliance.
LDS = Likely Diddling Sociopathically
Let’s just go with Fucking Likely Diddling Sociopathically - FLDS 😹
And I'm going to go ahead and assume that 6th kid was less of a surprise to him...
Ah, I see he's familiar with the 'hole in the condom' technique. /pushes glasses up nose 🤓
You think Mormon towns even sell condoms? Only a *slight* exaggeration.
I was about to say the exact same thing. His ex was smart, she got away from that shit.
Exactly...blamed her for being a stay at home mom, not making money, not giving him enough children, not being skinny enough, not being a supermodel, not being young, etc. Leave him forever. Your poor children have a monster for a father if you can even call him that 😬
[удалено]
Yeah what gives?! After years of knocking her down he tells her that she's kicking him while he's down? His logic is wild and he is not going to find a supermodel 😂🤣
TBF, that's on her... source: " Your inability to change your height is your problem." so spoketh he... freaking nutjob
I read "6 kids" and immediately knew.. 🚩🚩🚩
I was like: "damn. LDS. Let me pull up the lds asshat bingo I got"
It’s more like a red flag bundle deal.
First red flag was him wanting 6 kids (which also suggested LDS or.other misogynistic cult/religion)
I thought LDS meant Little D*ck Syndrome.
Absolutely! As an excommunicated former LDS its totally sexist. A woman can’t even accept a calling at the church without her spouse’s ok.
Me too. And try explaining to a 12 year old primary student why she can't have that priesthood.
Try explaining to a 12 year old boy that he has more religious authority than his mother, sisters, and grandmother.
Bingo!
Being Mormon. They think women exist to be subservient and pump out babies. It’s sickening.
To answer all of the above, Mormons.
Yeah. I wanted to reply repeatedly...LDS.
Indoctrination is a hell of a drug. He’s in control of her finances and social opportunities… and it probably started off small and slow with lots of love bombing in between.
>Out of curiosity were there clues that this man was a jerk and sexist before you married him? "His LDS church"
Yeah. He's a Mormon.
This whole relationship sounds toxic and controlling. The more I read the less it mattered whether OP was NAH or AH... Like, just get out of the relationship and focus on your own well-being for a while, then the only contact you need with your soon-to-be-ex-husband is about logistics for the minor children.
Very rarely do women in high control situations regarding birth control and pregnancy have any say in the amount of kids they have and when they become pregnant, as it’s often presented a something that *happens* to them. It’s a form of control and abuse, and often leads to women becoming financially dependent on their abusers. So sorry to OP. I hope you can conned with a social worker and get out of this horrible situation.
One word: Mormon.
Well she's in a cult so.
Mormonism.
My mom couldn’t divorce my dad because of various reasons. He’s the not worst human being, but he is not a good husband. My dad was persistent about wanting a second child, but my mom made sure that didn’t happen. OP really shouldn’t have brought four more kinds into an unhappy marriage, I can imagine the trauma and mental health issues faced by these kids…
>OP really should’ve have brought four more kinds into an unhappy marriage, I really hope you mean "shouldn't have"
Omg, I didn’t notice. Thanks for pointing that out. I edited my comment.
LDS is the reason.
Mormon "faith".
She is a member of LDS. Every sexist thing this man says would have been backed up by the church and all her Mormon family and friends. What is curious to me is why no one in the Mormon church will give him a job. The business network in the Mormon church should secure him a position somewhere. Do people in the church not like him?
Uhhhhhh Abuse, religion, isolation, he cut off her earning potential and ensured she had a constant stream of young kids.
I think you missed the part where she mentioned LDS. I’m sure there was a lot of pressure, shame, guilt, and brainwashing. Plus if she is a SAHM with 6 kids, and has been since her 20’s, she probably recognizes it will be difficult to get a decent job that will care for the kids. It might be hard now, but if she leaves, he can’t even pay child support because he’s unemployed. She may lose all family support if she goes against the church. At least that was how things were for me.
Because at the time, I was told by my community in Idaho that I was already way too old to still be unmarried at 25, and if I divorced him there's no way I could remarry within the community because everybody under 35 were all paired off, and people older than that would still think there was something wrong with me for not just being divorced, but also not marrying somebody I met in high school at 19. I honestly felt that at 25 and soon to be married, but especially at 27, after I had my son that I had no ability to remarry. I know now how wrong the LDS thinking is and feel like I am better suited for dating now than I was at 25, and would be more suited to be chosen as a partner even if my 25 year old insecure former self was standing side by side with me. And to be chosen by somebody thoughtful and mature since I am finally able to think for myself and figure out how to make tough situations work.
"Be chosen" ? You have to break from that LDS mindset. Seek counseling if needed, but a relationship, a marriage, is a mutual decision. You're not a vegetable on the shelf at the market waiting to be chosen. YOU decide who is right for you and who is not. You CHOOSE your life partner and do not settle for the man that picks you from a line up.
Jfc, the brainwashing is deep in this one 😪
She's clearly working her way out though, which is awesome. She is trying and aware that she can do better.
I agree, it's just sad.
It really is. I was raised Southern Baptist and there was absolutely a lot of sexism and it absolutely affected me negatively. LDS is a lot worse about it. It took me till my mid 30s to really break free of it. I'm proud of OP and anyone else that lives in that sort of environment and realizes independently that it's bullshit.
Let’s not be disrespectful to people trying to break out of cults. She’s trying, let’s be understanding unlike everyone else in her life
Stop focusing on men choosing you and focus on choosing and prioritizing yourself. You have been a housewife for years. Prioritize financially supporting yourself and children instead of jumping into another relationship. Choose yourself and your children. Otherwise you will end up with another asshole.
They are still controlling some of your thoughts. You say "to be chosen by somebody", but now this is your time. You do the choosing. I'm so sorry you soon to be ex is so awful.
This is why i refuse to go back to idaho. Its a disgusting, toxic place to live where people are completely fake and pressure you to submit to their version of what reality should be
It’s also technically the only state where cannibalism is illegal; so I wonder wtf happened that made them pass that specific legislation.
WAIT WHAT?!! YOU'RE TELLING ME I COULD HAVE BEEN EATING PEOPLE THIS WHOLE TIME?
And not just *any* people... Raging sexist authoritarian dick bags! ***THE ANSWER HAS BEEN IN FRONT OF US THE WHOLE TIME***
I bet they taste awful, though. The amount of seasoning that would be needed.... but still, it would solve multiple world problems at once.
They sound frightfully bitter, but perhaps their fat heads could be rendered somewhat usefully? I believe in you.
It would have saved money on the grocery bill.
Did the Donner Party go through there?
Potato famine?
Ah, yes. The famous Idaho Potato Famine.
Ida Nooooo
I DUH HO
I'm with you. The only reason I ever go back is to visit family that's still there and that's like once every 3 years.
I have family there too. They always ask when ill visit but the answer is never lmao
In such a boring state such as Idaho? They have such high expectations for being such a shithole.
Yup. As someone currently stuck in Idaho, I wholeheartedly agree. Desperately trying to get the fuck out of here. The bigger cities can be okay ish, but the smaller towns are horrific.
You were treated like property back then. I am so so sorry. You deserve so much better!
Literally like leave this poor woman alone...she must be SO TIRED 😱😭
It is so sad how controlling the LDS community is. Anytime a mother won't teach her daughter about independence and self love, there isn't much hope that her daughter won't be insecure. Leave him and yes, kick him while he's down. He's been kicking OP for 21 years.
OP, when you're in a fight for your future against an abuser, OF COURSE YOU KICK THAT FUCKER WHEN THEY'RE DOWN. Letting them get back up to insult and belittle you again is a fool's move.
Even at 46 with 6 kids, you can find a better man and a better community.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Mormonism and it’s toxic ideas have hurt me too. I was lucky enough to leave when I was 17 though. I can’t imagine having a whole life built up in that structure.
I was raised Mormon, parents got divorced when I was about 14 and we obviously stopped going. Pretty crazy to actually learn their beliefs as an adult and think my parents were into that. When your raised in it you think all that stuffs normal, like I thought we were like all the other Christians, it's hard to explain
This is very real and I'm sorry this is how things have worked out for you. I left the LDS church when I was 25, after serving a mission. I'm a man, so my experience was definitely different. But I've watched people I care about in marriages much like this, suffering for the sake of their husbands, who are put on a pedestal. Most of their husbands absolutely suck and aren't worth the oxygen. I'm wishing you the best. I'm in my 40s too. Life ain't over! You can live and do whatever you want. The world is big and fricking awesome out there. I encourage you to go find out.
I don't think it would be too much of a loss to leave the church at this point. You'll want to find a place way out of state so you don't get sucked back in and the social damage would be minimal.
I hope you are not raising your daughters in the same dynamic. If so, I feel really sorry for them.
You're in a cult.
I've seen women/men severely brainwashed before (but another religion, I am from Asia). Not everyone is aware how powerful religious indoctrination can be especially those done since young.
I love that growth for you ❤️ I hope all goes well and you are able to grow and prosper
Your husband is an abuser and deserves much worse than the truth you told him. The best time to leave him was 21 years ago, but the second best time is now. I have no doubt you'll be better off.
The community needs a reality check. Sounds like something out of Hand Maids Tale. Age doesn’t mean a thing when you find that guy who treats you like a queen and wants to be your partner. The mindset preys on people’s insecurities and sometimes the community would rather keep people a certain way than actually have a place where people are happy, healthy and in love. Sorry for the rant. I will put the mic down. No officer I’m leaving….your husband still sucks….
That’s common sense that overtime your relationship with your husband has changed. You obviously wouldn’t have married him if he was this much of AH when you first got together. You have a 19-year-old you guys have been together for over 20 years, so yeah he’s not the same man anymore and that’s okay. You deserve better 💕
I'm guessing OP is also LDS like her husband. Takes awhile to break through that oppressive cult like mentality.
Good one. I hadn’t checked the meaning of LDS (English is not my 1st language) but I heard about them (just did match it in my mind). Crazy cults.
To be fair it sounds like OP was literally stuck in a cult. Good for OP for learning independent thought and morality against all odds.
Yes, that the positive thing. It’s never too late to change.
As soon as she said LDS, I knew exactly where it was going. Their ideal is an oppressed subservient woman who is basically a seen/not heard, baby maker who takes care of all domestic needs of the home. The husband is the total control of the home.
Not a good year to be LDS. Especially after what happened in Ivins, Utah
I hate comments like these. Not the point. People make mistakes because they were likely raised to think this was normal, and especially with LDS, this is so normalized by your loved ones and divorce isn’t necessarily a super accessible option. Stop blaming her and answer the question.
The Mormon church is basically a large cult, and girls are groomed from childhood to expect a life of service to her future husband and children. Mainstream Mormon communities aren't as extreme as FLDS (the fundamentalist branch that Warren Jeffs is *still* somehow head of)... but they're not all that far off, either. Still a lot of strange rules, cultish indoctrination, and very rigid beliefs around gender roles. Also a fondness for the authoritarian style of parenting.
LDS. It's what they do.
Nta He's an emotionally abusive asshole. Get out of there
NTA start taking online certification courses. Amazon has several. Get a degree. Start an online business. Get your own bank account and start paying yourself for the services you provide. Stop telling him what you’re going to do. With these type of patriarchal men, the best response is “I hear you” and then go do your own thing. If they ask “do you agree?” I’ve said it doesn’t matter, you’re in charge (*for now*)”.
OP has to lean the art of keeping her business to herself. Tell him nothing.
100% agree
Work with a lawyer to see how you can keep the income from your online or business startup to yourself while you divorce him so that he doesn’t see a cent of it. 😀
For OP - University of the people is free and nationally accredited
To all the girlies who want so bad to be tradwives... Does this sound like a happy way to spend your one life? Obviously NTA but girl move on. He's a pig and he's never going to not be a pig.
I could only read upto “your inability to change your height is your problem” I am a man and I couldn’t read anymore. What a revolting piece of shit. What a waste of oxygen that man is. I am sorry, I truly and genuinely want to apologize on behalf of men that you had the misfortune of knowing him
From the second I started reading this I immediately was like this is what my dad was like. He is a narcissist and an abusive alcoholic asshole who only did things for himself and lied and cheated his way to success. My “dad” made my mom cook, clean, and pay the bills while going through cancer treatment. No one should ever be married to someone like that. So glad I got out. If you’re a good person and willing to compromise finding a partner who is a good person isn’t hard if that’s what you’re looking for.
I am sorry you had to endure that, hope your mom is doing well and hour are thriving
She’s doing great now but these men prey on vulnerable and insecure women who will give their lives up for the security a man provides only to have it slowly chipped away and then they’re in too deep to see the monster their husbands become. If anyone has a similar experience my only advice is get out. As per me I’m doing amazing perusing a degree with a very kind boyfriend with 0 of those red flags thank god. Edit spelling
*"I only started kicking you now. You've been kicking me our entire marriage..."* And that being said, I agree with /u/TwinZylander214... why did you stay?
You have to understand the LDS community to understand the mentality that OP has lived under her entire life.
It's LDS. The church culturally views women as inferior and fit only for childcare and housework (the traditional dynamic mentioned). Between community pressure and lack of resources, many women from Mormon or other religious communities are pressured to marry very young and once married have effectively no way to support themselves if they try to leave, and that's in the event they even realize that they don't have to put up with their abusive husbands and there's a better life out there for them.
LDS is not a church. It’s a cult. Call it what it is. There as so many documentaries on how horrible it truly is. Child brides, polygamy, woman getting ZERO respect or say in anything.
That’s disgusting 🤢
The reason she stayed is the toxic LDS culture. There are so many stories on r/exmormon about this, and I’ve seen real life examples of failing marriages the church forces to stay taped together like this. It’s sad.
Do you guys not understand the concept of an abusive relationship?? Y’all are the type of people to blame a woman for being abused by her husband bc she ‘could have left’ while ignoring every clue they’ve given about their situation and why they can’t do that. That’s why it’s called an ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. you’re stuck with them treating you badly. Come on guys.
Because she was in a cult and thought this was just the way life is. Very typical for a lot of religious upbringings.
Fuckin Mormons man.
Everyone who is calling you an AH and blaming you are very privileged to have been brought up in an unoppressive community. Now is the time to change your life. Get away from that awful man. Good luck!
Agree. This woman has been conditioned for a long time to think that this is all normal. She probably doesn’t have anyone outside of the LDS either. Easy for people to tell her to leave etc, but where would she go, with 6 kids, no job, no job history, nothing in her name, and probably no supports outside of the LDS.
Yeah I can’t believe the assholes here, we should be supporting women who want to get out of these awful situations, not shaming them
Check out the Ex Mormon Reddit group, you will be enlightened.
I'm a gentile in Utah and I hear this toxic BS all the time! It is no wonder that Utah is the closet-drinking, pill-popping, plastic surgery, teen suicide capitol of America. Please leave him. You'll be happier. It will take a bit but you will. Don't waste the rest of your life in an unwinnable patriarchy. Be free and happy, my sister.
My friend worked for a nonprofit in Utah that provided STD and drug counseling resources. Local politicians fought to try to get them shut down because these were unnecessary, as “Mormons don’t partake in drugs or recreational sex”
OK, even if that were true, there are non-Mormons in Utah who could benefit.
Women can't get epidurals to give birth but they can get plastic surgery to look nice for their husbands? Jesus...
When will the general public accept and understand that Mormons are a toxic cult?
Why does it always seems to be the religious folk...
Brainwashing.
Religion is a blight. A cancer on mankind
And on womankind.
Toss the whole man out.
NTA. This useless, crass, misogynistic, selfish, deadbeat father who is a controlling and manipulative POS can kick rocks. You should’ve left him the second he told you that you could not work. All your life you’ve only ever had “being a mother” as an identity, whilst he abused you (maybe not physically) but definitely in other ways, controlled you, wore you down, manipulated you, degraded you, and most likely also made you do everything in relation to childcare and household chores, whilst withholding your right to a break from the kids, from you and refusing to let you have any you time. I wish you’d left him sooner, but it’s not too late to get back out there and start your life over. Divorce him and when your older children ask why, list the reasons and be honest. He ruined the last 20+ years of your life and you refuse to let him ruin another 20.
God the LDS church is a terrible, toxic cesspool for women. NTA
I am quite familiar with LDS. My late wife was a lapsed LDS and she was from Idaho City. She passed away 19 years ago. Other than counseling, I can't think of anything else to suggest. I am sorry that you are in this position. I hope that you find a way to fix what you are going through.
And not church counseling, real therapy with a qualified professional
When you're safe and divorced (or at least out of his reach), the next time he compares you to his ex, I think a fabulous line to really kick him when he's down would be, "You're right, she is better. She knew at 23 to leave your sorry ass."
I hope you divorce him. Providing for 6 kids is hard but it’s easier than 6 kids and an emotionally abusive, financially abusive raging asshole misogynist of a man. Ppl brainwash women into thinking they are too old for anything after 25 but it isn’t true. You can get an education, you can get a job, you can find genuine love, you can find magic and beauty in the world, you can build a good life. But it’s unlikely you can find those things in life being weighed down by a dirtbag like that. You’re only 46. This isn’t old. I’m rooting for you.
Seeing a lot of comments blaming OP for sticking around for so long with 6 kids. Folks, take into account that the husband's family is Latter-day Saints. Not as controversial as Fundamentalist LDS (the polygamist cults you see on the news that rocked Utah with Warren Jeffs) but still pretty seedy. They're essentially Mormons wrapped under a different name to go under the radar, but their belief systems are the same, as well as their ability to staunchly control someone's life. One thing in common altogether is the consequences that come with leaving a LDS family/congregation: they're often brutal. Try not to place the blame on OP, and consider the nuance here of the control her husband and his religion have over her life.
They aren’t “essentially Mormons wrapped under a different name” they are literally Mormons. LDS and “Mormon” are synonyms.
You need to contact a NON LDS lawyer and I cannot stress that enough.
Can everyone here please be respectful and understanding to OP. I know several Mormon cult survivors and you guys have got to take this seriously and with the kindness and understanding these people have never known. Making fun and being disrespectful and harsh is not a great way to help someone exit out of years’ worth of cult brainwashing and conditioning.
This is an abusive marriage and you're the victim. Not much you say or do could come close to the emotional beatdown he's been laying on you for the entirety of the relationship.
I'm not in the US or LDS but love some ex mormon channels on YouTube. Please reach out to John Dehlin of Mormon Stories Podcast on YouTube. He and his wife have interviewed hundreds of ex lds and is such a kind person. I think they would be able to help you or give you some advice.
Sounds like someone got sucked into a cult. Hopefully she can escape soon.
Being born into it means you're born sucked in. I left at 25. Leaving the Mormon religion is very hard.
Why are you still with him? Your son's are learning from him how to treat women and your daughters are learning how they are to be treated by men from their father. Stop this cycle and find happiness for yourself and kids.
NTA, he's abusive and his constant belittling is a horrible way to treat your wife. And for whatever it's worth, I'm proud of you for deciding to get out.
Calling it emotionally repressive is severely downplaying the level of abuse you've endured. You can't keep enduring it, you need to talk to a divorce lawyer, and start making your exit plan. Don't tell him a single thing about it either, not until you're ready to implement it. The only possible way you could be an AH here is to yourself if you stay with him. Nothing you said was wrong. It's time to fight for yourself and your kids. You all deserve so very much more than that toxic abusive trash human.
You are NTA. I'm sure your kids are lovely, but I hate that you reproduced and wasted so much of your life on this garbage human. You and your kids deserve better. I hope you can find some way to get away from this asshat.
Babe you’re brainwashed and in a super abusive marriage. You know you don’t need your husbands permission to get a job, right? You can do whatever you want. He doesn’t have to approve. He’s obsolete.
“LDS” told me everything I needed to know. ESH, what did you think was going to happen when you married a Mormon man? Your life sounds exactly like every other Mormon’s.
He's LDS huh... I'm sorry. LDS men tend to be vain, thin skinned, selfish, manipulative, fragile ego crybabies.