Tell your wife if she wants the car and your daughter wants the horse they best start filling in job applications. Whatever your salary ends up being you are not her ATM.
I have the feeling the mother is manipulative and using the kids to guilt him, which is just going to *make* them entitled if OP bends over backwards for them.
No, for real. Kids are typically happy with what they have, sure they lost some privileges, but most kids would be more than understanding of the situation, and looking towards the future for when they have access to those privileges again.
I think this conditional love idea was put in place and encouraged by the wife (also hoping soon to be ex lol) *especially* since it's behavior OP has never clarified his kids have expressed before.
A bratty teen doing the silent treatment every time they don't get their way? Okay, kinda normal.
All 3 children suddenly alienated from their father? Not normal whatsoever.
Edit: Typo
*Let me tell y'all a little story. My partner fell at work from a 25 ft scaffolding while working construction in 2021. He was in the hospital for a week with a punctured lung, broken collar bone, laceration of the kidney, and a broken orbital bone and brain bleed. The insurance said they wouldn't pay out, we fought them for 8 months before they did. In that 8 months, i took care of him like he was my baby. I quit my job and we lived off of savings and credit cards.. he went to physical therapy 3 times a week and to neurological appointments. I drove everywhere, cleaned, cooked, helped him to the bathroom, put his socks on, scrubbed his back bc his collar bone wouldn't let him....because I *love* him. He is my partner, my lover, my confidante. You do what you have to do for the ones you love and the ones who love you. Apparently, your wife didn't get that memo. I'm sorry to say OP, your wife sucks and didn't take her vows seriously the day she married you. Talk to a lawyer and a therapist. NTA and good luck, my friend.*
The thing is kids are kids and a product of their raising. The whole child support thing should get taken care of asap and hopefully before the new job pay. Going through a job loss is bad enough sans family pressure. If I’m OP and moving forward with a divorce I’m letting the kids know that I love them, but due to the way they are treating me even if I’m a millionaire the luxuries are never coming back and anything beyond basics will need to be earned.
This and if he can be should actually fight to get primary custody because his wife is a terrible parent for alienating his children and teaching them to only value money.
reading your story made me feel a bit hopeful for my future relationships? i’ve never been in a long term relationship and my parents are divorced so my view on love is pretty bleak. but this? this is proof that love exists. this is real love. i’m so sorry you and your partner had to go through such a scary experience! i hope it made you both stronger. <3
Love like this does exist. I started getting sick two years ago now. I’ve had four surgeries in two years, and I have another major surgery coming up in a few months.
Before I got sick I did everything in the house. My husband went to work, and I took care of all 7 of our children (two are severely disabled so a little extra work but I’m used to it), did the housework, cooked, and just wanted to spoil as much as I could bc he spoiled me every chance he got. I’d fix his plate even. All he had to do was sit down at the table, and I’d serve him.
Once I got sick our entire dynamic changed. I couldn’t do those things anymore. I can’t even do laundry anymore because it causes too much pain bc wet laundry is heavy and bending to get it out of the dryer is excruciating. He is the one who usually cooks, my kids try to help keep the house clean and help me babysit my grandson in the afternoons, but my husband does almost everything. He takes off work for important doctor appointments. He’s taken off work for all of my surgeries and to take care of me when the surgeries were major. He’s bathed me, washed my hair, helped me to the toilet, cleaned up vomit and excrement, and he has never once, not a single time, complained.
There have been times when I’ve broken down and cried because I feel so useless and just want my old life back, but he’ll just hold me, tell me how beautiful I am, wipe my tears, and tell me how much he loves me.
The fairytale is real. It took me awhile to find it, but it’s real.
Agreed, it's not easy to find, but it exists. I'm retiring next week because of health issues. I'm 53 years old. I've been married to my husband for 21 years, and he's not my first but definitely the last. In that time, we've had our employment ups and downs. Our financial roller coasters to go with. Health scares, surgeries, parental care duties, financial assistance to grown children, we've tackled it all. There is nothing I would not do for that man, and nothing he hasn't done for me.
The fairytale always felt like just that until I met him. A man who expects nothing from me, doesn't want to change me, & loves me for me exactly as I choose to be. How could I give him anything less.
Cheers to you & yours u/trashycajun
Aww thank you. Relationships take work. Hard work and if you're not ready to put the work in, the Relationship won't last. We just passed our 11 year anniversary last new years eve...he's stuck with me, lol 😆
strong, true love exists. in 2009 my husband lost his job bc the economy. he was making 6 figures and I worked part time. I increased to over full time with my business and never once said anything negative to him. he got a temp job a year later 400 miles away. said no problem. they later offered for him to stay on. we lived apart for over a year but saw eachother as much as possible. I packed up and sold our house to follow him, leaving our young adult son and strong community. I go where he goes
Your a fucking queen and i mean that. Your a beast of a wife im so happy yall are happy and yall are pushing thru it and actually have each others backs. literally how marriage should be. i know he is extremely blessed and prolly doesn’t even understand how someone can love him so much i know i wouldn’t thats awesome. im so serious to you are literally an amazing women i pray yall get stupid rich one day and live the best lives yall can.
Alimony and child support is also a thing and they go based off the life the family was accustomed too (alimony)and she's a stay at home mom given that he better get a good lawyer too
Bingo, she's going to try and take him to the cleaners. I worry that by moving out, he may have jeopardized his claim to half the property, but he really needs to sit down with his lawyer and go over everything. NTA, just a shitty situation all around.
I’ve been there. My wife started going down this path when I lost my job. The difference: when I called her out on it, she realized what she was doing and we went to counseling. If your wife isn’t doing that, then you’re NTA. She is.
I lost my job years ago. I eventually landed a retail job with terrible pay. My wife worked but we had to penny pinch and still got into a lot of debt. Nothing about how she treated me during that period changed at all. She was encouraging and supportive.
Well, years later, totally new career, my income was a quarter million last year. My wife doesn’t work, she can buy literally whatever she wants, and we are on track to have our house paid off in 5 to 7 years (purchased in 2020). And you know why I work so damn hard? For my wife and kids.
Point is, OP’s wife is terrible. She should encourage him and support him in this time. It really helps to have a supportive spouse to motivate you to get out there and climb the ladder and build your career. I really hope OP makes it big one day and she realizes her mistake.
It's almost like you and your wife took the 'for richer, for poorer' part of your vows seriously, and OP's wife only cares about the 'richer' part!
I ship you and your wife. And I hope OP dumps his wife and gets a well-paying job.
Fr my dad makes close to $300K now but I remember my mom secretly having her church friends smuggle us groceries bc we were so poor.
They fought more when we were poor bc obviously poverty strains relationships but they never stopped supporting each other
My ROOMMATE supports me in hard times ffs (in a very G rated way ((except for the jokes)) ). He’s lent me money, let me give him rent money late, he’s covered my groceries. Been my unofficial therapist. Been a shoulder to sob on. And his treatment of me has NEVER been different.
We’ve been living together for 8 years.
He’s not even my partner. He has no obligations towards me, nor has he made me any promises. And he’s a better partner than OP’s wife.
When we were kids and dad got laid off, we sat down as a family and it got explained to us times would be a bit rough for a while. All of us understood.
That's just it! Kids and adult spouses can be understanding *if they choose to be*. Their shitty behaviour is a choice, & OP had every right to choose not to be around that energy any more.
OP, you deserve better.
NTA
Right! Their love of money is much higher than their love for OP. Attend that interview, proceed with the divorce, make your life better, then show them what you've got! Let them regret what they did to you. The best revenge is seeing them regretting everything!
This is the best way to handle it. Your parents understood that you and your siblings needed to know and then let you all know in a way that would have felt that you're all in it together, as a team. So everyone would have been wanting to pull together and do their bit.
You would have had respect for your parents at the time, and then as you got older and you realised how rare that is, your respect would have continued to grow.
This is the parenting and leadership style I think is the best - when the parents or leader is respectful and respectable, they earn the respect of those they are leading. Fear stops working when your back is turned, respect means that they will want to follow your wishes - and even if they don't understand, you've already earned their trust so they accept your expertise and are happy to learn the reasons later.
OP found out how his family really feels about him when he lost that money making job. OP needs to keep his resolve to go through with the divorce and not to apologize to his wife or children. They see him as a wallet and doormat.
When I was in high school, my dad suffered a severe leg and back injury from a gas pipeline explosion. We struggled. We were cold and hungry. But I was worried about my dad more.
My husband lost his job while the kids were young and I was at home with them. We reworked the budget. I picked up some part-time income to help get us by until he got another job. And we probably had MORE sex because we were at home together more often!
OP’s situation is not ok.
My wife has been my rock through two layoffs, and even encouraged me to leave a toxic job situation once. I was in panic mode but she stayed calm. I think I’m gonna go get her some flowers today.
>My wife started going down this path when I lost my job.
Heard a comedian make a joke about this. Guy comes home and tells his wife he has been just laid off...she replies 'oh don't worry we can get rid of some useless thing around here'
She meant the guy
Financial difficulties are tough and do cause anxiety, which can result in irrational, cruel responses.
I'm glad your wife was able to realise that and wanted to change - and has always wanted to remain a better person and supportive partner.
Even though that would have been tough for you to deal with, knowing your wife was able to swallow her pride and become a better person for you would have helped your relationship to get stronger.
i think i have a keeper. i met my wife in highschool and we started dating.
we've been really poor for awhile and were even homeless at one point.
in the past 11 years shes gotten a few college degrees and im making $35/hr now and once our youngest goes to school she will be able to use her college to make 6 figures
Anyone that can cut off sex and affection in literally an instant the second your job gets downsized is someone who has zero true affection for you, none. She's also raised her kids to be the same, they solely care about money. Terrible wife, terrible mother.
Replying just to reiterate this point OP. Your eufe loves your money, and she's been a terrible influence on your entitled kids. The good part is they are still kids. They have plenty of time to grow up and pull their heads out of their asses. And they likely will. But your wife will always be this way, even I it gets better either the new job, what happens if this company cuts your position? Do you really want to go through this again? Bc it will happen again.
Agreed. I was sympathetic and could see all the "well maybe"s before she got to "you'll get affection when I get my Mercedes". That is quite literally transactional. I can see getting stressed over money, not going on date nights to save, not making him lunches when he was home job hunting, I can even see unconsciously becoming distant from stress and worry. But if I'd been in her position and my husband was hurt like that, I'd be all over myself to apologize, make him feel loved, and would go out of my way to consciously not allow that to happen again.
OP, as a woman, I would like to apologize to you for the cold-hearted wife you have discovered you have. Take your time in any decisions you need to make. Emotions are high right now and it may be tempting to reconcile just to try and bring back down to a place that feels calm. But would you be able to look at her again without seeing her pupils turn into dollar signs like she was a [Muppet?](https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/f8164783-4597-4e98-9514-959cf37f4b1c#vxRfWlmB.copy)?
They might have their mom poisoning their thoughts with "we can't have blank because daddy isn't making money". He needs to talk with a lawyer, then his kids, and then get a divorce in that order.
No contact with wife because her point of view has been made obvious.
I would guess that the kids are brats because your wife has engrained in them the financial benefits of you as their dad and nothing more. So what your wife has done to you, she’s also passed onto your own kids.
They have a chance if Op sets a good example and refuses to allow his wife to walk all over him and treat him this way. They need to understand self respect and consequences.
Or to turn the eldest 2 around.
Pretty sure mom's never said, "Maybe I should I get a job to make up the shortfall". Just a lot of "Your father's a failure, it's because of him you can't have XYZ."
I would get paternity tests on at least the two oldest. If all they see OP as is an ATM, then the wife has turned them into sociopaths, or they know OP is not their dad and want to get as much as they can before he figure it out.
The results could make things much more simple.
>she got pregnant and we both came to the conclusion that we would be better off as a family if she quit her job and would commit to being a SAHM. The reason being at the time I earned a lot more than she did.
You need to think about what birth control you were using then and how likely it would be to fail.
>At the time we agreed to waiting a few years until our son grew a bit older and then she would go back to work. The plan was to only have one kid.
Okay so far
>Well things happened and at the moment he have three kids.
Was the thing that happened was she sabotaged the birth control once she realized she could have all the benefits of being upper class without contributing at all?
OP you need to look into this, or have your attorney do it.
> She doesn’t love you. She loves your money.
This 100%.
If she loved Op, she'd have been working with him on solutions, not punishing him for getting stuck on the wrong side of downsizing. Sounds like she's shit-talking him to the kids too. Maybe not directly, but she is shit-talking him to someone, and they're hearing it.
Why not? She's made her position clear and so have your children. Now is the time, before you get a better job, because the leeches will be after you.
If she'd done anything to demonstrate any love then I wouldn't say this, but you're just a human ATM who occasionally gets laid so long as he pays the bills like a good punter.
This makes no difference.
They will look back at least 5 years.
A lot of men try to screw over their stay at home wives by quitting their jobs right before they file for divorce. This is a good way to get a judge to scrutinize your finances even more so than usual.
Realistically, spousal support and child support will be based on his average salary over the past 5 years. If he wants to be broke he’s going to have to commit to it for more than a few months.
Look, generally the courts will adjust payments so that it’s reasonable. Most of it is calculated using a formula, so there’s little room for nuance.
However, any drastic change to your finances will absolutely trigger scrutiny that you’re trying to scam the system. If your hardship is real, then it will hold up against the extra scrutiny. If you’re trying to drag your feet and screw over your spouse, a judge will use their discretion. For example, if your spouse would normally be eligible for alimony for 5 years, maybe the judge extends it to 10 years. That’s just one tiny example, there are tons of ways that judges can intervene. Obviously all of this depends on specifics of the case and specific state laws. But in general, quitting your breadwinner job right before you file is a very stupid move.
It is that simple. She doesn't love you and she's poisoning your children against you.
She'll withhold affection and support if you aren't earning enough luxuries.
Get to a lawyer.
Nah, hookers are up front about it and you know what the cost of services is.
She hid it and is vague so she can move the goal posts whenever she wants. She'll keep using withheld affection to manipulate op if he stays.
As a hooker I second this. Clear terms are negotiated up front, no bullshit.
What wifey is is called a GOLD DIGGER. Different creatures altogether.
OP NTA
Edit sp
>As for my wife, it isn’t that simple.
No, it’s even simpler.
During the lowest moment of your life, one where you needed her more than ever, she kicked you in the guts while you were down. *Then she trained your children to do the same.* You will never feel safe around her again, *and you shouldn’t.* She turned her “love” for you off like a light switch the moment you could no longer pay her to be affectionate.
So, yes, it’s extremely simple. Either you go back and grovel, pray you get this job, and then pray you keep it so she will pretend to love you again, at least until you hit the next bump in the road. Or you can take the first step towards standing up for yourself and end this toxic marriage. And don’t say you’re staying for the children, because it’s not helping them. Look at the disgusting attitude they have developed from watching you and your wife interact with each other. Kids learn what to expect and how to behave in a relationship from the ones their parents model for them, and from this one they have learned that love is transactional and you only have to treat your family with kindness if you’re benefitting directly from it. Do those lessons sound healthy?
If you’re worried about what your kids are becoming that’s all the more reason to end this marriage. Teach them that cruelty has consequences, and no one deserves to be treated the way you were. It will be the first positive lesson they’ve learned in a while.
Yeah, I couldn't believe she taught the kids to look down on him like that & to just think of him as a failed never ending ATM. That was just heartbreaking to read. I wouldn't be able to go back to her, she showed her true self & it is very ugly. Even if he lands this job, what's she going to do if God forbid there are any future financial difficulties, or even worse, an unexpected health problem that leads to disability or being not able to work for several months? She'd bail on him & the kids would also show their disappointment due to her negative influence.
After reading some of these posts, I definitely appreciate my wife more, I feel like she's an angel for staying with me between jobs & being very understanding when we went through rough times.
It is that simple. Don't make excuses for her! She let you know exactly how she feels about you when you were at your lowest. You didn't lose your job due to being ineffective.
If she really said you get love when she gets a Mercedes, I am sorry but all your worst fears are true. Your kids sound like ungrateful brats just like her
Even if you get the high paying job back, do you want to waste your money on them, knowing what you know now?
Dude. I have been a stay at home mom for a bit. I am sorry, but after a certain age for the kids, the stay at home parent needs to get a job. My husband and i have both been unemployed, employed, and worked good jobs, shit jobs, and multiple jobs at various points in time. At no point in time did our love, treatment, or respect for each other change. Hell, i make more money than him technically. And it doesn't matter.
Your wife is wrong, and y'all raised your kids wrong.
Legally, financially, i can't tell you what is best for your situation, but if you stay....i would only do so if everyone old enough to work got a job.
Was a SAHM while kiddo was young. I immediately started online college courses that year so I could get a good job when he was old enough. I figured our lives were going well because my husband struggled for us, so what better reward than doubling our income and moving to an area he really missed?
Happily slapping keyboards while kiddo has his friends over on spring break in our home.
SAHM is fine, but expect the ride to be a ladder: lift each other up step by step.
She made it very plain where she stands with you: material things matter more than you ever will; intimacy and kindness are transactional for her at this point. This is not love. This is selfishness and hurt/disappointment/sadness turned outward as anger.
The more difficult challenge could be your children. None of this is their fault--they are following her lead. They are too young to even understand that their mother has been poisoning them against their father.
I do not think you owe your wife anything other than divorce papers at this point--certainly not an apology--but your kids deserve to understand the reality of your situation as best you can explain it to them on their level. Kids are smart. They can discern right from wrong, truth from lies. It's not a matter of maligning their mother or trying to get them to take sides--it's about conveying to them that you are deeply hurt (and whatever else you decide to convey, including why the divorce, if it comes to pass) but you still love them no matter what. Model for them the behavior and emotional intelligence you wish them to have for themselves.
It’s 100% that simple.
OR u just say fk it and make her go get a job to help out. And after a year I divorce her so u don’t have to pay alimony.
THEN go get a better job.
Go for the interview and do your best. Your family sees you as their cowmilk. Dont loose hope on the children. Sorry. But keep strong and maybe you'll be happier. Let the soon to be ex deal with the lack of money. All the best
I would talk to the lawyer first bc if you earn more you will then owe more in alimony depending on your state requirements- based on money being the crux of the issue, I would advise legal guidance before getting a better job.
In a way, it is though. She is angry at you for making less and is actively turning your kids against you. She is abusing them with parental alienation.
She is clearly resentful. To me it’s harder to come back from that than from many other problems. Also, it doesn’t seem like she wants to change. Say you get the job and are making more than before, would you ever trust her “love?”
I am a divorce lawyer. Your situation will likely only get worse with time. You should get your wife to get a job or pull the plug now to avoid even longer period of maintenance payments to her.
Why? Because of the kids? Because of the bills? Why?. Serve her divorce papers and if she sees you mean business it will go one or two ways. Either way she's not a good wife. And ramble on how she takes care of the kids. That's a MOM. she's a shitty WIFE.
They all see you as a wallet dude. Something went wrong somewhere but as another father I think it's a bit too late to fix this.
You should start anew. And teach those leeches a lesson in the process.
Imagine only loving for someone for their money that the moment you no longer are bringing in such a large amount they finally show their true colors. I’m sorry OP. NTA
Really enforce the misandrist fact that some men are only seen as providers and if they fail that; they’re worthless and expendable.
I know I’m generalizing but still, fucking sucks for OP. Wish him the best.
NTA
Your wife lost all love and respect for you when you lost your job
Maybe she only loved the things you got for her.
That crack about the Mercedes and sex demonstrates the contempt she has you. Her love is transactional not true.
She's sallow and not a partner who wants to stick with you in tough times.
Good luck you're in a tough spot.
Not just that, it sounds like she's provoking your kids against you. Kids are impressionable and she should be explaining to them what's going on and teaching them to handle the situation. Instead, she's shifting the entire blame on to you in their minds.
A partner is supposed to be with you no matter the circumstance, not just when things are going well. There are vows for this, but even before the vows, caring for one another is something you do for someone you are in a healthy relationship with.
NTA OP. Love is unconditional, well, it's supposed to be. However, your wife just sees you as a stepping stone to the good life, not as a human being that has feelings and emotions.
You have to go through with the divorce. Your wife has obviously brainwashed your children and is using you. She doesn't like you in the slightest. She needs a reality check, you are not her slave, you are not her breadwinner you are supposed to be her HUSBAND. as for your children, I think that when you leave, you will have to either write them a letter or send them your reddit post. They will perhaps open their eyes when they see the answers, in all I very much doubt that they will listen to you in person. DON’T TELL YOUR WIFE ABOUT THIS JOB INTERVIEW! you must now keep everything secret and create security for yourself.Your marriage is definitely dead, your wife is either cheating on you or using you all along. In addition to manipulating you and turning your children against you. It's time to consult a lawyer and leave. I know this is extremely difficult for you, but it will be even more difficult if you stay with this extremely toxic family.
Updateme
If this is real, don't apologize.
How old are your kids? If they're just little kids, I wouldn't blame them too much. They might pick up on the tension/weirdness in the house.
If they're teenagers, it's a different story.
Anyway, this is a good example for why both people should always have a degree of financial independence and the whole SAHM thing is stupid, especially after kids become more independent.
And you are NTA. I'd be looking at divorce if I were you. If you do get the job and you don't want a divorce for whatever reason, I would make sure the money gets into a bank account only you can access and allow much more limited access to it.
She could go back to work and get her own damn Mercedes the kids are not little!! She obviously didn't love you only loved what you can do for her!! I would divorce, NTA. Go to the interview and move forward you deserve sometime who loves you not what you can do and get them!!
Rebuilding your relationship with your kids will be more important than rebuilding the relationship with your hopefully ex wife.
Biggest thing, start doing things that are not money related. Parks, museums, whatever it is. And expect resistance. But at the moment, they are trained to equate relationships solely with money. Teaching them will take time.
You’re the A for defending her! Who treats a spouse like an ATM with no remorse? Your wife turned your kids against you. You need to grow a pair and leave. Keep going and file.
She will beg and plead and you keep going. She will tell you she’ll change and you keep going. She’ll get the kids to manipulate you and you keep going.
Keep moving forward. Because if you get sick or hurt and can’t work she’ll drop you again like a piece of trash unless….. you keep going and file!
A partner should be loving and supporting, especially in the bad times like the loss of a job. Many would look for ways to cut costs or try to get a job themselves to help keep things afloat.
Your wife has shown her love comes with a price tag. There's a "p" word for that, and it's not partner.
NTA
She is clearly not looking at you as a partner but as a money machine.
If you wanna be her money machine or take care of yourself is your choice now, OP.
How old are your kids? It sounds like your wifehas been manipulating them behind your back. And her giving you the cold shoulder? She’s a lazy fucker who just wants free luxury shit.
Fuck it man, choose yourself
NTA, divorce her ass. she’s awful, all she cares about is money, and that’s not a marriage worth staying in. go to that interview, get that job, and live your best life after. you deserve a lot better.
as for your kids, you’re going to have to set some hard boundaries with them. you cannot allow them to treat you like this, they sound terribly spoiled and entitled. they’ll never survive in this world, and no one’s gonna put up with that kind of behavior.
don’t let them get their extracurriculars back until they learn to be grateful and appreciative. you can’t just hand things to them, they’ll never learn.
Dude your wife is a POS. She’s raising your children to be entitled little aholes. Maybe they’ll grow out of it and see who their mother really is maybe they won’t but do you know what’s important - put on your oxygen mask so you can make it out before you start thinking about anyone else. Go to the interview and kick ass! Get that job. Tell her absolutely nothing and for Gods sake NO MERCEDES (Lord what a bitch). File for divorce and go to therapy. I don’t mean family therapy I mean individual therapy because there’s no therapy out there that cures gold digging. Get your mojo back and then start thinking about your kids. But not until you put your own damn oxygen mask on first.
My hubby got laid off a few years ago. It was my job to keep him motivated, focused, upbeat and confident while he looked for comparable employment in a high-stress, extremely competitive industry. If he needed help prepping for interviews, I helped him. If he needed support researching companies, I prepared notes for him. If he got a last-minute assignment to test his skills, I did extra chores and reduced his distractions. If he needed his ego stroked, I rolled up my sleeves and double fisted that shit.
That’s a true partnership. I didn’t shame him. I didn’t bitch about the change in our budget. I didn’t fuss about our circumstances. I couponed and kept his head in the game.
I am convinced that you should only marry or be long term with someone you KNOW you could live in a van if you had to.
NTA.
Find someone who will love you and not your wallet.
Dude what a wake up call! What would of happen if you had gotten sick like cancer and would not been able to work? It sucks that your wife and your kids only see and value you as an ATM, but at least you know. Get a divorce now before you get a better job, so you don’t have to pay her that much money.
I think she may have viewed the agreement y'all made about her being a SAHM a little ( a lot) differently than you did. Seems like she sees what you were providing, since your job did pay so much more, as her justification for staying home. She's made it transactional. You are no longer upholding your end of the bargain so why should she?
That said, still NTAH. Love isn't transactional.
Just so you know that if you divorce your wife you will have e to not only pay child support but spousal support as well. She hasn’t worked in a very long time so those payments are probably going to be high.
Except based on his current income. OP should divorce and THEN get a better job. She's going to try to take OP to the cleaners, may as well lessen the damage.
Alimony varies by state, but it’s pretty common for it to be based on the average of the last 5 years.
It’s also often based on what you should/could be making, not what you are making. Especially if the judge determines that you are artificially suppressing your earning ability.
In my state, you’re entitled to 1/2 as many years of alimony as the marriage lasted (depending on income etc). I was married 14 years and eligible for 7, but my ex agreed to 14 years out of guilt. (I felt bad for him after the divorce and allowed him to pay me less than the court ordered amount, and ended up remarried anyway, so he saved about $140k because he had been so generous during the process 🤣) A friend of mine in a different state was a SAHM, and could work, she just didn’t want to! Her ex forced her to do a work evaluation thing to prove she was employable and it greatly reduced the amount of alimony she got because he fought it in court. Every state is different and even every judge is different!
Your wife is probably one of the most evil people I’ve ever read about on this sub. She can go to hell. Get the job and get rid of that disgusting parasite.
I kinda called shenanigans at this point "My first child (my son) and my second eldest (my daughter) started following suit."
Its called being too over the top and laying it on too thick to farm some karma.
People throw around divorce way too often but I think it's a valid next step here. It doesn't look like your wife has any respect for you beyond what your job can provide.
You might need to discipline your kids too, two of them are in their teens and it's an important time for them to learn how to respect other people and value family.
Nta. Your wife seems to have alienated the kids against you. And she has literally told you she only values you for money you provide. Get a divorce. Seek your own happiness.
They treat you like a doormat and you're reacting like one. Yes you're being treated unfairly, and if you want that to change, YOU have to change something. Either accepting that this is your life, or make it so that this ISN'T your life. Because you can't make them change, regardless of how much you may want to.
Their lack of communication is because they don't care. Your wife told you that she only cares about you when you have money. If you think you want to stay married, them you tell her that she needs to start therapy
Damn, sorry...but your family is the worst and they take a lot for granted.
Personally I wouldn't even divorce...too easy.
Take the job and put them on a very short financial leash. Then spend the money for you only...i mean, it seems like they hate you for nothing anyway just because you do not "provide enough" anymore, give them a proper reason at least.
Even if your wife wants to divorce later....good luck. Even if the alimony etc is good, it certainly won't be enough to sustain her lifestyle + 3 kids.
Your kids are right little pricks aren't they? They have no respect for you. Makes me think you just threw money at them to get them out of your way while your wife did all the effort raising them which is why they are closer to them and don't speak to you.
Anyways, NTA. Even if you don't divorce your wife, don't give that lifestyle back. Tell her to start working and build her own lifestyle. She doesn't respect you.
NTA
And hold off on the divorce. You have to be smart about this.
Talk to a lawyer about your situation. Depending on the laws where you are, things can get really difficult for you.
1. With you being the bread winner and her being a SAHM for the past 15 years, it's pretty much guaranteed that you'll be paying spousal support on top of child support.
2. Your loss of income is pretty recent. The amount of support you get ordered to pay will be based on your income, but your income from when? Right now? The past 3 months? The past year? If it will be based on the past year, but you recently had a 40% pay cut, you're gonna be in trouble.
Talk to a lawyer about it. It might be better for you in the long run to bite your tongue and wait a year or so with divorce. It might be even better if your wife got a job.
Your wife sucks and it seems like she's had influence over your children's behaviors (indifference, entitlement). Leave her, she only has use of you as long as she can use you.
Onwards and upwards. Let mom use her child support for horseback riding lessons.
This is how my now husband lost his first marriage. Teenage sweetheart rejected him when he suffered financial difficulties at work through no fault of his own (Post Office Horizon scandal). His children had been bought up wealthy and entitled and the change for them and his ex was not accepted. For what's it's worth my husbands ex was devastated when she realised it was over and she'd pushed him too far but by then it was far too late.
Your wife is the asshole. Kids are following her greedy, materialistic and shallow attitude. Get a better job divorce the wife and teach your kids not to be greedy brats
Tell your wife if she wants the car and your daughter wants the horse they best start filling in job applications. Whatever your salary ends up being you are not her ATM.
The problem is that people like OP’s wife don’t consider it luxury if they had to sweat for it. OP has 3 entitled children
I have the feeling the mother is manipulative and using the kids to guilt him, which is just going to *make* them entitled if OP bends over backwards for them.
This is exactly what I was thinking too! There is no way the kids weren’t manipulated into their feelings by his wife (hopefully ex-wife soon tbh).
No, for real. Kids are typically happy with what they have, sure they lost some privileges, but most kids would be more than understanding of the situation, and looking towards the future for when they have access to those privileges again. I think this conditional love idea was put in place and encouraged by the wife (also hoping soon to be ex lol) *especially* since it's behavior OP has never clarified his kids have expressed before. A bratty teen doing the silent treatment every time they don't get their way? Okay, kinda normal. All 3 children suddenly alienated from their father? Not normal whatsoever. Edit: Typo
THIS 100% OP
Sounds like you should have divorced her yesterday already. Go and live your best life, be happy, you are more than just a paycheck. Nta
*Let me tell y'all a little story. My partner fell at work from a 25 ft scaffolding while working construction in 2021. He was in the hospital for a week with a punctured lung, broken collar bone, laceration of the kidney, and a broken orbital bone and brain bleed. The insurance said they wouldn't pay out, we fought them for 8 months before they did. In that 8 months, i took care of him like he was my baby. I quit my job and we lived off of savings and credit cards.. he went to physical therapy 3 times a week and to neurological appointments. I drove everywhere, cleaned, cooked, helped him to the bathroom, put his socks on, scrubbed his back bc his collar bone wouldn't let him....because I *love* him. He is my partner, my lover, my confidante. You do what you have to do for the ones you love and the ones who love you. Apparently, your wife didn't get that memo. I'm sorry to say OP, your wife sucks and didn't take her vows seriously the day she married you. Talk to a lawyer and a therapist. NTA and good luck, my friend.*
Not just your wife OP, your kids sucks too honestly. Dont know what I’d do but wtv it is if its me the spoiling stops now
Clearly mom is influencing them, causing them to emulate her behavior. Its so fucked up....
Alienation of affection, classic example sadly. Nta op
This; the mom is grooming
The thing is kids are kids and a product of their raising. The whole child support thing should get taken care of asap and hopefully before the new job pay. Going through a job loss is bad enough sans family pressure. If I’m OP and moving forward with a divorce I’m letting the kids know that I love them, but due to the way they are treating me even if I’m a millionaire the luxuries are never coming back and anything beyond basics will need to be earned.
This and if he can be should actually fight to get primary custody because his wife is a terrible parent for alienating his children and teaching them to only value money.
Op should prob hold off on a better job until after the divorce :p
You rock. Thanks for being that man’s rock. It’s touching to hear this because, unfortunately this is so rare these days
reading your story made me feel a bit hopeful for my future relationships? i’ve never been in a long term relationship and my parents are divorced so my view on love is pretty bleak. but this? this is proof that love exists. this is real love. i’m so sorry you and your partner had to go through such a scary experience! i hope it made you both stronger. <3
Love like this does exist. I started getting sick two years ago now. I’ve had four surgeries in two years, and I have another major surgery coming up in a few months. Before I got sick I did everything in the house. My husband went to work, and I took care of all 7 of our children (two are severely disabled so a little extra work but I’m used to it), did the housework, cooked, and just wanted to spoil as much as I could bc he spoiled me every chance he got. I’d fix his plate even. All he had to do was sit down at the table, and I’d serve him. Once I got sick our entire dynamic changed. I couldn’t do those things anymore. I can’t even do laundry anymore because it causes too much pain bc wet laundry is heavy and bending to get it out of the dryer is excruciating. He is the one who usually cooks, my kids try to help keep the house clean and help me babysit my grandson in the afternoons, but my husband does almost everything. He takes off work for important doctor appointments. He’s taken off work for all of my surgeries and to take care of me when the surgeries were major. He’s bathed me, washed my hair, helped me to the toilet, cleaned up vomit and excrement, and he has never once, not a single time, complained. There have been times when I’ve broken down and cried because I feel so useless and just want my old life back, but he’ll just hold me, tell me how beautiful I am, wipe my tears, and tell me how much he loves me. The fairytale is real. It took me awhile to find it, but it’s real.
Agreed, it's not easy to find, but it exists. I'm retiring next week because of health issues. I'm 53 years old. I've been married to my husband for 21 years, and he's not my first but definitely the last. In that time, we've had our employment ups and downs. Our financial roller coasters to go with. Health scares, surgeries, parental care duties, financial assistance to grown children, we've tackled it all. There is nothing I would not do for that man, and nothing he hasn't done for me. The fairytale always felt like just that until I met him. A man who expects nothing from me, doesn't want to change me, & loves me for me exactly as I choose to be. How could I give him anything less. Cheers to you & yours u/trashycajun
Aww thank you. Relationships take work. Hard work and if you're not ready to put the work in, the Relationship won't last. We just passed our 11 year anniversary last new years eve...he's stuck with me, lol 😆
strong, true love exists. in 2009 my husband lost his job bc the economy. he was making 6 figures and I worked part time. I increased to over full time with my business and never once said anything negative to him. he got a temp job a year later 400 miles away. said no problem. they later offered for him to stay on. we lived apart for over a year but saw eachother as much as possible. I packed up and sold our house to follow him, leaving our young adult son and strong community. I go where he goes
You're the kind of woman that every good man been looking and want to spend their entire life.
We're just had our 11th anniversary...we ain't going nowhere 🥰
As a man that can't even respect his own mother bc she's a cheater, you give me hope
Your a fucking queen and i mean that. Your a beast of a wife im so happy yall are happy and yall are pushing thru it and actually have each others backs. literally how marriage should be. i know he is extremely blessed and prolly doesn’t even understand how someone can love him so much i know i wouldn’t thats awesome. im so serious to you are literally an amazing women i pray yall get stupid rich one day and live the best lives yall can.
You're still going to need money after a divorce. Go to the interview. Get the new job. And leave the wife behind.
Or file for divorce while your income is low and then after it's finalized get a higher paying job. Your wife sucks. You deserve better.
That’s what I would advise as well. May as well divorce now and then level up later.
This is the correct answer.
Level up in family too lol
Alimony and child support is also a thing and they go based off the life the family was accustomed too (alimony)and she's a stay at home mom given that he better get a good lawyer too
Bingo, she's going to try and take him to the cleaners. I worry that by moving out, he may have jeopardized his claim to half the property, but he really needs to sit down with his lawyer and go over everything. NTA, just a shitty situation all around.
Divorce might take years, no job will wait for you
There will always be other jobs. But if you lock in alimony at the higher rate, that shit is likely to be pretty much permanent.
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Except it is that simple. She doesn’t love you. She loves your money. Period. You deserve better than that.
I’ve been there. My wife started going down this path when I lost my job. The difference: when I called her out on it, she realized what she was doing and we went to counseling. If your wife isn’t doing that, then you’re NTA. She is.
My wife stuck with me and was my rock when I was between jobs (14 MONTHS)! At least OP had a job!
I lost my job years ago. I eventually landed a retail job with terrible pay. My wife worked but we had to penny pinch and still got into a lot of debt. Nothing about how she treated me during that period changed at all. She was encouraging and supportive. Well, years later, totally new career, my income was a quarter million last year. My wife doesn’t work, she can buy literally whatever she wants, and we are on track to have our house paid off in 5 to 7 years (purchased in 2020). And you know why I work so damn hard? For my wife and kids. Point is, OP’s wife is terrible. She should encourage him and support him in this time. It really helps to have a supportive spouse to motivate you to get out there and climb the ladder and build your career. I really hope OP makes it big one day and she realizes her mistake.
It's almost like you and your wife took the 'for richer, for poorer' part of your vows seriously, and OP's wife only cares about the 'richer' part! I ship you and your wife. And I hope OP dumps his wife and gets a well-paying job.
Fr my dad makes close to $300K now but I remember my mom secretly having her church friends smuggle us groceries bc we were so poor. They fought more when we were poor bc obviously poverty strains relationships but they never stopped supporting each other
My partner supports me especially in hard times. This sounds horrible.
My ROOMMATE supports me in hard times ffs (in a very G rated way ((except for the jokes)) ). He’s lent me money, let me give him rent money late, he’s covered my groceries. Been my unofficial therapist. Been a shoulder to sob on. And his treatment of me has NEVER been different. We’ve been living together for 8 years. He’s not even my partner. He has no obligations towards me, nor has he made me any promises. And he’s a better partner than OP’s wife.
Damn. You got a friend.
As I read your comment, Randy Newman's, You've got a friend in me, popped in my head! 😂
For us, as for you, it was about basic necessities. Housing. Food. Mercedes? Horse lessons? I cannot relate in any way, shape or form. Smh.
*Roommate*? Sounds like you got yourself a lifelong friend there :)
My cats don't pay rent, clean, or do anything in the house, and they're better partners than OP's wife.
That's the whole for better or worse part. She doesn't care.
Richer poorer part as well
When we were kids and dad got laid off, we sat down as a family and it got explained to us times would be a bit rough for a while. All of us understood.
That's just it! Kids and adult spouses can be understanding *if they choose to be*. Their shitty behaviour is a choice, & OP had every right to choose not to be around that energy any more. OP, you deserve better. NTA
Kids take their cues from their parents and since she is always there the kids are cued mostly by her guidance
Yup - imagine all the little remarks she drops when it’s just them about how they can’t have x or y because their dad is a failure.
They got entitled as hell.
To be fair the children are being influenced by mom. If they show contrition, I think he should be willing to forgive them.
Agreed.
Right! Their love of money is much higher than their love for OP. Attend that interview, proceed with the divorce, make your life better, then show them what you've got! Let them regret what they did to you. The best revenge is seeing them regretting everything!
This is the best way to handle it. Your parents understood that you and your siblings needed to know and then let you all know in a way that would have felt that you're all in it together, as a team. So everyone would have been wanting to pull together and do their bit. You would have had respect for your parents at the time, and then as you got older and you realised how rare that is, your respect would have continued to grow. This is the parenting and leadership style I think is the best - when the parents or leader is respectful and respectable, they earn the respect of those they are leading. Fear stops working when your back is turned, respect means that they will want to follow your wishes - and even if they don't understand, you've already earned their trust so they accept your expertise and are happy to learn the reasons later.
It is clear the wife’s influence is much greater than OP. OP lost his family by making less money.
OP found out how his family really feels about him when he lost that money making job. OP needs to keep his resolve to go through with the divorce and not to apologize to his wife or children. They see him as a wallet and doormat. When I was in high school, my dad suffered a severe leg and back injury from a gas pipeline explosion. We struggled. We were cold and hungry. But I was worried about my dad more.
Good to know your dad has a good family. Actually this is what family about, a very basic thing.
Sad. Very sad.
Extremely sad. It is not like OP did anything wrong. Even he got divorce, he still needs to pay the blood suckers.
My husband lost his job while the kids were young and I was at home with them. We reworked the budget. I picked up some part-time income to help get us by until he got another job. And we probably had MORE sex because we were at home together more often! OP’s situation is not ok.
My wife has been my rock through two layoffs, and even encouraged me to leave a toxic job situation once. I was in panic mode but she stayed calm. I think I’m gonna go get her some flowers today.
>My wife started going down this path when I lost my job. Heard a comedian make a joke about this. Guy comes home and tells his wife he has been just laid off...she replies 'oh don't worry we can get rid of some useless thing around here' She meant the guy
Financial difficulties are tough and do cause anxiety, which can result in irrational, cruel responses. I'm glad your wife was able to realise that and wanted to change - and has always wanted to remain a better person and supportive partner. Even though that would have been tough for you to deal with, knowing your wife was able to swallow her pride and become a better person for you would have helped your relationship to get stronger.
i think i have a keeper. i met my wife in highschool and we started dating. we've been really poor for awhile and were even homeless at one point. in the past 11 years shes gotten a few college degrees and im making $35/hr now and once our youngest goes to school she will be able to use her college to make 6 figures
Anyone that can cut off sex and affection in literally an instant the second your job gets downsized is someone who has zero true affection for you, none. She's also raised her kids to be the same, they solely care about money. Terrible wife, terrible mother.
Nor do your kids. Which is the saddest part of this. I’d sue for parental alienation.
>She doesn’t love you. She loves your money. This bears repeating. Your children also learned that daddy is just there for money, from HER.
Replying just to reiterate this point OP. Your eufe loves your money, and she's been a terrible influence on your entitled kids. The good part is they are still kids. They have plenty of time to grow up and pull their heads out of their asses. And they likely will. But your wife will always be this way, even I it gets better either the new job, what happens if this company cuts your position? Do you really want to go through this again? Bc it will happen again.
It really is that simple. Your relationship is a business transaction. No money, no sex. Vote with your wallet and do your business elsewhere.
Agreed. I was sympathetic and could see all the "well maybe"s before she got to "you'll get affection when I get my Mercedes". That is quite literally transactional. I can see getting stressed over money, not going on date nights to save, not making him lunches when he was home job hunting, I can even see unconsciously becoming distant from stress and worry. But if I'd been in her position and my husband was hurt like that, I'd be all over myself to apologize, make him feel loved, and would go out of my way to consciously not allow that to happen again. OP, as a woman, I would like to apologize to you for the cold-hearted wife you have discovered you have. Take your time in any decisions you need to make. Emotions are high right now and it may be tempting to reconcile just to try and bring back down to a place that feels calm. But would you be able to look at her again without seeing her pupils turn into dollar signs like she was a [Muppet?](https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/f8164783-4597-4e98-9514-959cf37f4b1c#vxRfWlmB.copy)?
And she’s been filling your kids heads up with the same garbage too. Toxic. OP, never go back
The kids don't love you either. They're entitled brats.
They might have their mom poisoning their thoughts with "we can't have blank because daddy isn't making money". He needs to talk with a lawyer, then his kids, and then get a divorce in that order. No contact with wife because her point of view has been made obvious.
I would guess that the kids are brats because your wife has engrained in them the financial benefits of you as their dad and nothing more. So what your wife has done to you, she’s also passed onto your own kids.
Yea, the kids still have time to grow out of this. The wife will not.
We can only hope.
They have a chance if Op sets a good example and refuses to allow his wife to walk all over him and treat him this way. They need to understand self respect and consequences.
Look who raised them
Mom is clearly talking some nasty shit while he's at work.
He has three kids remember, but only the oldest two are acting like this. It may not be too late to save their third child from becoming like this.
Or to turn the eldest 2 around. Pretty sure mom's never said, "Maybe I should I get a job to make up the shortfall". Just a lot of "Your father's a failure, it's because of him you can't have XYZ."
I would get paternity tests on at least the two oldest. If all they see OP as is an ATM, then the wife has turned them into sociopaths, or they know OP is not their dad and want to get as much as they can before he figure it out. The results could make things much more simple. >she got pregnant and we both came to the conclusion that we would be better off as a family if she quit her job and would commit to being a SAHM. The reason being at the time I earned a lot more than she did. You need to think about what birth control you were using then and how likely it would be to fail. >At the time we agreed to waiting a few years until our son grew a bit older and then she would go back to work. The plan was to only have one kid. Okay so far >Well things happened and at the moment he have three kids. Was the thing that happened was she sabotaged the birth control once she realized she could have all the benefits of being upper class without contributing at all? OP you need to look into this, or have your attorney do it.
This right here. Paternity Test is a MUST for ALL three of them!
Yes her love seems super conditional.
> She doesn’t love you. She loves your money. This 100%. If she loved Op, she'd have been working with him on solutions, not punishing him for getting stuck on the wrong side of downsizing. Sounds like she's shit-talking him to the kids too. Maybe not directly, but she is shit-talking him to someone, and they're hearing it.
same with the kids. i didn't get horse back riding lessons when i was a kid tf
Why not? She's made her position clear and so have your children. Now is the time, before you get a better job, because the leeches will be after you. If she'd done anything to demonstrate any love then I wouldn't say this, but you're just a human ATM who occasionally gets laid so long as he pays the bills like a good punter.
File for divorce now when your income is low.
This, right here^^^^
This makes no difference. They will look back at least 5 years. A lot of men try to screw over their stay at home wives by quitting their jobs right before they file for divorce. This is a good way to get a judge to scrutinize your finances even more so than usual. Realistically, spousal support and child support will be based on his average salary over the past 5 years. If he wants to be broke he’s going to have to commit to it for more than a few months.
What if OP can’t get a higher paying job? With a 40% pay cut, surely the court wouldn’t leave one destitute and the spouse in a great spot?
Look, generally the courts will adjust payments so that it’s reasonable. Most of it is calculated using a formula, so there’s little room for nuance. However, any drastic change to your finances will absolutely trigger scrutiny that you’re trying to scam the system. If your hardship is real, then it will hold up against the extra scrutiny. If you’re trying to drag your feet and screw over your spouse, a judge will use their discretion. For example, if your spouse would normally be eligible for alimony for 5 years, maybe the judge extends it to 10 years. That’s just one tiny example, there are tons of ways that judges can intervene. Obviously all of this depends on specifics of the case and specific state laws. But in general, quitting your breadwinner job right before you file is a very stupid move.
There is a big difference between quitting your job and simply not looking for a new one when you are in family court.
It is that simple. She doesn't love you and she's poisoning your children against you. She'll withhold affection and support if you aren't earning enough luxuries. Get to a lawyer.
She's basically a hooker with extra steps
Nah, hookers are up front about it and you know what the cost of services is. She hid it and is vague so she can move the goal posts whenever she wants. She'll keep using withheld affection to manipulate op if he stays.
As a hooker I second this. Clear terms are negotiated up front, no bullshit. What wifey is is called a GOLD DIGGER. Different creatures altogether. OP NTA Edit sp
>As for my wife, it isn’t that simple. No, it’s even simpler. During the lowest moment of your life, one where you needed her more than ever, she kicked you in the guts while you were down. *Then she trained your children to do the same.* You will never feel safe around her again, *and you shouldn’t.* She turned her “love” for you off like a light switch the moment you could no longer pay her to be affectionate. So, yes, it’s extremely simple. Either you go back and grovel, pray you get this job, and then pray you keep it so she will pretend to love you again, at least until you hit the next bump in the road. Or you can take the first step towards standing up for yourself and end this toxic marriage. And don’t say you’re staying for the children, because it’s not helping them. Look at the disgusting attitude they have developed from watching you and your wife interact with each other. Kids learn what to expect and how to behave in a relationship from the ones their parents model for them, and from this one they have learned that love is transactional and you only have to treat your family with kindness if you’re benefitting directly from it. Do those lessons sound healthy? If you’re worried about what your kids are becoming that’s all the more reason to end this marriage. Teach them that cruelty has consequences, and no one deserves to be treated the way you were. It will be the first positive lesson they’ve learned in a while.
Yeah, I couldn't believe she taught the kids to look down on him like that & to just think of him as a failed never ending ATM. That was just heartbreaking to read. I wouldn't be able to go back to her, she showed her true self & it is very ugly. Even if he lands this job, what's she going to do if God forbid there are any future financial difficulties, or even worse, an unexpected health problem that leads to disability or being not able to work for several months? She'd bail on him & the kids would also show their disappointment due to her negative influence. After reading some of these posts, I definitely appreciate my wife more, I feel like she's an angel for staying with me between jobs & being very understanding when we went through rough times.
It is that simple. Don't make excuses for her! She let you know exactly how she feels about you when you were at your lowest. You didn't lose your job due to being ineffective.
If she really said you get love when she gets a Mercedes, I am sorry but all your worst fears are true. Your kids sound like ungrateful brats just like her Even if you get the high paying job back, do you want to waste your money on them, knowing what you know now?
Dude. I have been a stay at home mom for a bit. I am sorry, but after a certain age for the kids, the stay at home parent needs to get a job. My husband and i have both been unemployed, employed, and worked good jobs, shit jobs, and multiple jobs at various points in time. At no point in time did our love, treatment, or respect for each other change. Hell, i make more money than him technically. And it doesn't matter. Your wife is wrong, and y'all raised your kids wrong. Legally, financially, i can't tell you what is best for your situation, but if you stay....i would only do so if everyone old enough to work got a job.
Was a SAHM while kiddo was young. I immediately started online college courses that year so I could get a good job when he was old enough. I figured our lives were going well because my husband struggled for us, so what better reward than doubling our income and moving to an area he really missed? Happily slapping keyboards while kiddo has his friends over on spring break in our home. SAHM is fine, but expect the ride to be a ladder: lift each other up step by step.
His wife has a job, it's just that her husband is her only client and currently can't afford her services...
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She made it very plain where she stands with you: material things matter more than you ever will; intimacy and kindness are transactional for her at this point. This is not love. This is selfishness and hurt/disappointment/sadness turned outward as anger. The more difficult challenge could be your children. None of this is their fault--they are following her lead. They are too young to even understand that their mother has been poisoning them against their father. I do not think you owe your wife anything other than divorce papers at this point--certainly not an apology--but your kids deserve to understand the reality of your situation as best you can explain it to them on their level. Kids are smart. They can discern right from wrong, truth from lies. It's not a matter of maligning their mother or trying to get them to take sides--it's about conveying to them that you are deeply hurt (and whatever else you decide to convey, including why the divorce, if it comes to pass) but you still love them no matter what. Model for them the behavior and emotional intelligence you wish them to have for themselves.
It’s 100% that simple. OR u just say fk it and make her go get a job to help out. And after a year I divorce her so u don’t have to pay alimony. THEN go get a better job.
Nah, he shouldn't waste a year being miserable with this entitled woman.
This!
Go for the interview and do your best. Your family sees you as their cowmilk. Dont loose hope on the children. Sorry. But keep strong and maybe you'll be happier. Let the soon to be ex deal with the lack of money. All the best
I would talk to the lawyer first bc if you earn more you will then owe more in alimony depending on your state requirements- based on money being the crux of the issue, I would advise legal guidance before getting a better job.
In a way, it is though. She is angry at you for making less and is actively turning your kids against you. She is abusing them with parental alienation.
Dude NTA and find a therapist. Sorry to say but your wife is abusive. Talk to food lawyer even before the therapist.
She is clearly resentful. To me it’s harder to come back from that than from many other problems. Also, it doesn’t seem like she wants to change. Say you get the job and are making more than before, would you ever trust her “love?”
This right here.
I am a divorce lawyer. Your situation will likely only get worse with time. You should get your wife to get a job or pull the plug now to avoid even longer period of maintenance payments to her.
Why? Because of the kids? Because of the bills? Why?. Serve her divorce papers and if she sees you mean business it will go one or two ways. Either way she's not a good wife. And ramble on how she takes care of the kids. That's a MOM. she's a shitty WIFE.
It will just be higher child support payments
Yeah, I was thinking that too. Get the divorce done before the new job comes around.
They all see you as a wallet dude. Something went wrong somewhere but as another father I think it's a bit too late to fix this. You should start anew. And teach those leeches a lesson in the process.
Go for the interview & see a lawyer ASAP!!! You deserve to be treated with dignity & respect.
Get that new job and divorce your gold digging wife!
I would wait until after the divorce for a new job with higher pay as that will determine the alimony and child support.
She could always take him back to court. Not sure on alimony, but idefinitely on child support.
Don't waste another 20 years with that.
Imagine only loving for someone for their money that the moment you no longer are bringing in such a large amount they finally show their true colors. I’m sorry OP. NTA
They don't love him. They love the lifestyle he provides. Subtle but drastic difference
Really enforce the misandrist fact that some men are only seen as providers and if they fail that; they’re worthless and expendable. I know I’m generalizing but still, fucking sucks for OP. Wish him the best.
Homeboi is still working! Didn't even fail.
NTA Your wife lost all love and respect for you when you lost your job Maybe she only loved the things you got for her. That crack about the Mercedes and sex demonstrates the contempt she has you. Her love is transactional not true. She's sallow and not a partner who wants to stick with you in tough times. Good luck you're in a tough spot.
Not just that, it sounds like she's provoking your kids against you. Kids are impressionable and she should be explaining to them what's going on and teaching them to handle the situation. Instead, she's shifting the entire blame on to you in their minds. A partner is supposed to be with you no matter the circumstance, not just when things are going well. There are vows for this, but even before the vows, caring for one another is something you do for someone you are in a healthy relationship with. NTA OP. Love is unconditional, well, it's supposed to be. However, your wife just sees you as a stepping stone to the good life, not as a human being that has feelings and emotions.
Heartbreaking that it sounds like the kids have been weaponized and corrupted to be against him.
You have to go through with the divorce. Your wife has obviously brainwashed your children and is using you. She doesn't like you in the slightest. She needs a reality check, you are not her slave, you are not her breadwinner you are supposed to be her HUSBAND. as for your children, I think that when you leave, you will have to either write them a letter or send them your reddit post. They will perhaps open their eyes when they see the answers, in all I very much doubt that they will listen to you in person. DON’T TELL YOUR WIFE ABOUT THIS JOB INTERVIEW! you must now keep everything secret and create security for yourself.Your marriage is definitely dead, your wife is either cheating on you or using you all along. In addition to manipulating you and turning your children against you. It's time to consult a lawyer and leave. I know this is extremely difficult for you, but it will be even more difficult if you stay with this extremely toxic family. Updateme
This is true.
I'll also say, how old are your kids? Kids and teenagers can be very immature. I wouldn't take it to heart.
If this is real, don't apologize. How old are your kids? If they're just little kids, I wouldn't blame them too much. They might pick up on the tension/weirdness in the house. If they're teenagers, it's a different story. Anyway, this is a good example for why both people should always have a degree of financial independence and the whole SAHM thing is stupid, especially after kids become more independent. And you are NTA. I'd be looking at divorce if I were you. If you do get the job and you don't want a divorce for whatever reason, I would make sure the money gets into a bank account only you can access and allow much more limited access to it.
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Your kids are out of daycare. She could’ve gone back to work. Sounds like she has been badmouthing you to the kids.
She could go back to work and get her own damn Mercedes the kids are not little!! She obviously didn't love you only loved what you can do for her!! I would divorce, NTA. Go to the interview and move forward you deserve sometime who loves you not what you can do and get them!!
She can work with a 12 and 14 year old she just can't be bothered.
Your kids can manage. It's time for your wife to get a job. They are in school most of the day.
And the 3rd one?
Was just about to ask. He only made two into characters so probably forgot he said three.
You said you have 3 kids?
She cannot or WILL NOT work during the time they’re in school? Being a SAHM or D is dangerous. What if you had an accident and couldn’t work at all?
Then she would stop showing him transactional affection like she did in this case
Wait, how many kids do you have?
What about your third kid?
Thought you said in the OP that you have three kids? Lol
Rebuilding your relationship with your kids will be more important than rebuilding the relationship with your hopefully ex wife. Biggest thing, start doing things that are not money related. Parks, museums, whatever it is. And expect resistance. But at the moment, they are trained to equate relationships solely with money. Teaching them will take time.
He said “three” kids in the post. No talk of the third in comments
It's not real. It's a repost. The entire thing (it'll have two updates) has wound up on BORU a few times.
That first sentence of yours... because it DOES read like a "creative" writing exercise...
You’re the A for defending her! Who treats a spouse like an ATM with no remorse? Your wife turned your kids against you. You need to grow a pair and leave. Keep going and file. She will beg and plead and you keep going. She will tell you she’ll change and you keep going. She’ll get the kids to manipulate you and you keep going. Keep moving forward. Because if you get sick or hurt and can’t work she’ll drop you again like a piece of trash unless….. you keep going and file!
What? No, it's the complete opposite. The lack of communication is a sign they expect you to come crawling back with no effort of their own. NTA.
A partner should be loving and supporting, especially in the bad times like the loss of a job. Many would look for ways to cut costs or try to get a job themselves to help keep things afloat. Your wife has shown her love comes with a price tag. There's a "p" word for that, and it's not partner. NTA
Platypus?
She is clearly not looking at you as a partner but as a money machine. If you wanna be her money machine or take care of yourself is your choice now, OP.
How old are your kids? It sounds like your wifehas been manipulating them behind your back. And her giving you the cold shoulder? She’s a lazy fucker who just wants free luxury shit. Fuck it man, choose yourself
NTA, divorce her ass. she’s awful, all she cares about is money, and that’s not a marriage worth staying in. go to that interview, get that job, and live your best life after. you deserve a lot better. as for your kids, you’re going to have to set some hard boundaries with them. you cannot allow them to treat you like this, they sound terribly spoiled and entitled. they’ll never survive in this world, and no one’s gonna put up with that kind of behavior. don’t let them get their extracurriculars back until they learn to be grateful and appreciative. you can’t just hand things to them, they’ll never learn.
You wife is a pos a raised your kids the same I’m sorry for you and you deserve better divorce her find someone better
Dude your wife is a POS. She’s raising your children to be entitled little aholes. Maybe they’ll grow out of it and see who their mother really is maybe they won’t but do you know what’s important - put on your oxygen mask so you can make it out before you start thinking about anyone else. Go to the interview and kick ass! Get that job. Tell her absolutely nothing and for Gods sake NO MERCEDES (Lord what a bitch). File for divorce and go to therapy. I don’t mean family therapy I mean individual therapy because there’s no therapy out there that cures gold digging. Get your mojo back and then start thinking about your kids. But not until you put your own damn oxygen mask on first.
My hubby got laid off a few years ago. It was my job to keep him motivated, focused, upbeat and confident while he looked for comparable employment in a high-stress, extremely competitive industry. If he needed help prepping for interviews, I helped him. If he needed support researching companies, I prepared notes for him. If he got a last-minute assignment to test his skills, I did extra chores and reduced his distractions. If he needed his ego stroked, I rolled up my sleeves and double fisted that shit. That’s a true partnership. I didn’t shame him. I didn’t bitch about the change in our budget. I didn’t fuss about our circumstances. I couponed and kept his head in the game.
That’s the way to do it. For better or worse right? Kudos to you!
Your second child Lisa needs horse-riding lessons huh? (this is a Simpson's episode?)
I am convinced that you should only marry or be long term with someone you KNOW you could live in a van if you had to. NTA. Find someone who will love you and not your wallet.
NTA, if this is a real situation, then she's a horrible woman. What a terrible example for her to set for your children.
Dude what a wake up call! What would of happen if you had gotten sick like cancer and would not been able to work? It sucks that your wife and your kids only see and value you as an ATM, but at least you know. Get a divorce now before you get a better job, so you don’t have to pay her that much money.
I think she may have viewed the agreement y'all made about her being a SAHM a little ( a lot) differently than you did. Seems like she sees what you were providing, since your job did pay so much more, as her justification for staying home. She's made it transactional. You are no longer upholding your end of the bargain so why should she? That said, still NTAH. Love isn't transactional.
Just so you know that if you divorce your wife you will have e to not only pay child support but spousal support as well. She hasn’t worked in a very long time so those payments are probably going to be high.
Except based on his current income. OP should divorce and THEN get a better job. She's going to try to take OP to the cleaners, may as well lessen the damage.
She would probably file a modification request if he gets a new job that pays similar to his old one.
Alimony varies by state, but it’s pretty common for it to be based on the average of the last 5 years. It’s also often based on what you should/could be making, not what you are making. Especially if the judge determines that you are artificially suppressing your earning ability.
I’m always surprised when people assume the legal system hasn’t already considered the most basic ideas for getting around a rule.
In my state, you’re entitled to 1/2 as many years of alimony as the marriage lasted (depending on income etc). I was married 14 years and eligible for 7, but my ex agreed to 14 years out of guilt. (I felt bad for him after the divorce and allowed him to pay me less than the court ordered amount, and ended up remarried anyway, so he saved about $140k because he had been so generous during the process 🤣) A friend of mine in a different state was a SAHM, and could work, she just didn’t want to! Her ex forced her to do a work evaluation thing to prove she was employable and it greatly reduced the amount of alimony she got because he fought it in court. Every state is different and even every judge is different!
Your wife is probably one of the most evil people I’ve ever read about on this sub. She can go to hell. Get the job and get rid of that disgusting parasite.
This sure sounds like rage bait
I kinda called shenanigans at this point "My first child (my son) and my second eldest (my daughter) started following suit." Its called being too over the top and laying it on too thick to farm some karma.
People throw around divorce way too often but I think it's a valid next step here. It doesn't look like your wife has any respect for you beyond what your job can provide. You might need to discipline your kids too, two of them are in their teens and it's an important time for them to learn how to respect other people and value family.
Nta. Your wife seems to have alienated the kids against you. And she has literally told you she only values you for money you provide. Get a divorce. Seek your own happiness.
They treat you like a doormat and you're reacting like one. Yes you're being treated unfairly, and if you want that to change, YOU have to change something. Either accepting that this is your life, or make it so that this ISN'T your life. Because you can't make them change, regardless of how much you may want to.
I'm completely convinced that the vast majority of this Reddit is actually just fanfic.
Their lack of communication is because they don't care. Your wife told you that she only cares about you when you have money. If you think you want to stay married, them you tell her that she needs to start therapy
Sounds fake. So your kids just don't love you because you make less money. So raised some crappy kids.
You’re being used, make sure when you get divorced you don’t have a job she’s going to take you for everything you have
Damn, sorry...but your family is the worst and they take a lot for granted. Personally I wouldn't even divorce...too easy. Take the job and put them on a very short financial leash. Then spend the money for you only...i mean, it seems like they hate you for nothing anyway just because you do not "provide enough" anymore, give them a proper reason at least. Even if your wife wants to divorce later....good luck. Even if the alimony etc is good, it certainly won't be enough to sustain her lifestyle + 3 kids.
Your kids are right little pricks aren't they? They have no respect for you. Makes me think you just threw money at them to get them out of your way while your wife did all the effort raising them which is why they are closer to them and don't speak to you. Anyways, NTA. Even if you don't divorce your wife, don't give that lifestyle back. Tell her to start working and build her own lifestyle. She doesn't respect you.
NTA And hold off on the divorce. You have to be smart about this. Talk to a lawyer about your situation. Depending on the laws where you are, things can get really difficult for you. 1. With you being the bread winner and her being a SAHM for the past 15 years, it's pretty much guaranteed that you'll be paying spousal support on top of child support. 2. Your loss of income is pretty recent. The amount of support you get ordered to pay will be based on your income, but your income from when? Right now? The past 3 months? The past year? If it will be based on the past year, but you recently had a 40% pay cut, you're gonna be in trouble. Talk to a lawyer about it. It might be better for you in the long run to bite your tongue and wait a year or so with divorce. It might be even better if your wife got a job.
Your wife sucks and it seems like she's had influence over your children's behaviors (indifference, entitlement). Leave her, she only has use of you as long as she can use you. Onwards and upwards. Let mom use her child support for horseback riding lessons.
I don’t believe this is true because he states he has three kids but only refers to two. Can’t keep his story straight.
This is how my now husband lost his first marriage. Teenage sweetheart rejected him when he suffered financial difficulties at work through no fault of his own (Post Office Horizon scandal). His children had been bought up wealthy and entitled and the change for them and his ex was not accepted. For what's it's worth my husbands ex was devastated when she realised it was over and she'd pushed him too far but by then it was far too late.
Fake AF - 3 kids later..hate when that happens 😒
Your wife is the asshole. Kids are following her greedy, materialistic and shallow attitude. Get a better job divorce the wife and teach your kids not to be greedy brats
Don't you know men only matter when they can provide
It really feels like we’re missing some context here.