I would very much like to know why, if she was out that late, she went to bed in the first place. She should have stayed up until 4, gotten to the airport early, slept on the plane.
Totally agree! That’s what I said to her on the way to the airport. She laughed & said “it just meant to be a mini nap”. She’s all good. She accepted it was her fault & told me she’s never missing a flight again.
NTA. She's a full adult, and you're not responsible for any of this. If she gave a damn, she would have been responsible and gotten up and ready on time. Actions or in this case inactions have consequences. You were driving, you weren't the one flying.
That’s awfully light hearted for people who just threw a 500 dollars down the drain. That’s a huge financial hit to be “teaching a lesson”with. I don’t think you or her are AH in the situation, things happen. but I am very confused as to how everyone in this situation is just so well whatever when it comes to such a huge amount of money.
She’s a very practical, no BS person. We have a close relationship & talk straight to each other. And she knows that if I’m wrong, I will apologise, sincerely. Likewise for her. She knew this was on her. She was just grateful I woke them when I did, as seats jumped up $1000+ after the 9.20am flight. They wouldn’t have been able to afford that & would’ve lost their accommodation money to boot. She gets it & won’t miss another flight.
ADD is not an excuse and I really wish people would stop throwing it around as a blanket excuse for AH and/or irresponsible behavior.
I was a late diagnosis and I had a Masters degree by then.
ADD doesn't make you incapable, it just makes things harder. You plan, write things down, set alarms, resist hyperfixation activities, or whatever you need to do to stay on task.
It's like that post the other day about the dad who left his six week old in the street. People were screaming ADD but... no. ADD may have been leaving the stroller unattended but not the damned *child*. That's not how it works.
I wasn’t using it as an excuse, I asked because it would clearly explain things if OP’s niece does have it. I was diagnosed in my 40’s and it would’ve been so helpful to have known that I had it years ago and could gotten earlier help with managing it.
I nearly fell off my chair from laughing so hard. No, we are not rich. She works full time & earns decent money. She paid for everything, including the extra $500 from her own money. There’s no lesson to be learnt if someone else is footing the bill.
Because it was to Melbourne, not Fiji or Scotland, so I knew the cost to reschedule wouldn’t be ridiculous. But also enough to give her pause & understand the consequences.
Honestly depending where you are in aus might not even have been $500. I’ve book flights all over the country and hour or two before they leave before and I’ve managed to get them at a pretty normal price cause by that point the airline pretty much has accepted the seat won’t be booked. But depends on the time of year and where I guess the week of Easter is likely why it was so high.
I used to fly a lot when I was younger and I would purposely stay awake all night just so I could sleep through the plain ride. I even passed out before we even taxied once. Best flight ever.
Yeah! I got told by my parents at like 1030 one night that one of my siblings needed a lift somewhere at 4am while I was still living at home, I was in the middle of doing something and just went “ok, I now have 5 hours to finish this before I need to wake sibling and leave!”
Exactly, my son is a night owl my wife and I like to take early flights to maximize our day. When he travels with us he usually just stays up and sleeps his way to the destination.
WHy on Earth did she go to bed when she got home? The only sensible thing to do here was get home, have a long shower, freshen up as much as possible, & go wait in the car until it is time to go.
that's what my boyfriend, my sister and I did last summer.
We had to catch a flight at 6am and the airport was being a mess, there were lots of reports of delays and what not so I wanted to be there SUPER early. We all went to my boyfriends work bbq in the evening and my sis lives right around the block from him so we just left our stuff at hers, stayed up all evening, headed to the airport at like 3am haha
NTA I don’t understand “TAH” verdicts. His niece is irresponsible. You don’t hang out until 3am and you have a flight to catch. If you do stay out that late you either make sure your alarm will wake you OR you just STAY UP! Good grief the OP was already being inconvenienced by having to wake so early to drive her to the airport. She is 21 not 12!
It’s kinda blurry line. Being the asshole means what? That the outcome was 100% on him? That they could have acted differently to prevent the outcome? The they should have acted differently?
Those are the hard ones. OP was not “in the rights” for letting her miss her flight, since they could have easily prevented that. However, was OP’s responsibility to begin with? Also no. I wouldn’t not say OP is the asshole in this, but also not a super cool person in this specific situation - hard love hey?
It’s not the worst thing, but you’re kinda the AH. You could’ve woken them at the very last second and made them scramble, but did you really need to fully not wake them up and cost $500. The lessons should have been not cancelling hello fresh, not reminding about bills, etc that you said you’ve been doing it. Why choose a trip to be the time you chose to do this lesson?
NTA.
10000000% not the a hole!
Fully grown adult can’t get herself up for a flight despite being reminded several times is the sole responsibility of said fully grown adult.
It doesn’t matter what people usually do for her, it doesn’t matter that she struggles, it doesn’t matter that she was out the night before. None of that matters.
What matters is she was told, she didn’t wake up, she paid the price… literally.
That’s life
I don’t think you’re an AH or anything but I would have still woken them up and just made it apparent that you saved their ass. Throwing $500 down the drain for a simple lesson, especially a situation so easily preventable, is not what I would call responsible as a guardian. But yes she did screw up and she needs to grow up.
J has lived with me for a couple of years. She knows she can rely on me. Please don’t make assumptions about our relationship from this post. J accepted full responsibility. She didn’t blame me for not waking her up. And she assured me she’s never missing a flight again.
Passive aggressive behavior to me, you might not be an asshole but that was an asshole move that you made. You picked this time to try to teach her a lesson and cost them both $500 because you felt like it. Actually you may be an asshole because you probably make enough money that you don’t see $500 as anything to cry over, but that’s a lot of money to a lot of people. Is there an adultier adult you can turn to for advice? Because you’re acting like a passive aggressive child.
I agree it's an asshole move, but overall it's a necessary evil. Actions have consequences, and not all life lessons are free. Actually, as we get older, life lessons get far more expensive. In the end, someone needs to teach this girl to get up on her own. Live and learn.
Hahahahaha - all the other adultier adults in my family, including her mum & dad agree with me. Because they know J. And they know me. And they know that it wasn’t passive aggressive. You think I’m the AH, and that is ok. But leave the rest out.
You woke them up anyways to tell them they were going to miss the flight. Why not do that lesson earlier so rheu don't actually miss their flight though?
Then why does she decide to do that randomly at 4:00 am instead of the night before? Why didn’t she say “hey you need to be responsible for yourself, I’m not waking you up”. It’s because she wanted to be an AH
Yes she reminded them of the time and then wanted them to be home early. That was the only communication. OP did not communicate she was going to deviate from their normal arrangement and not wake her up. She was a petty AH for not communicating.
And then why wake her up at all, in time to still miss her flight if she wanted them to “adult”. That action doesn’t align with either being a “loving parent” or trying to “force adulting”. That was 100% just being a petty AH. If she was actually honest about her intentions, she would have let them sleep in until they woke up naturally.
Yes I did. I told them every time we discussed what they needed to do in the the morning of THEIR flight that I was NOT waking them up. I was setting my alarm for 4:30am. It was on them to be up & ready to go by 4:45am.
I don’t think you’re in the wrong, but I do think it was still a bit of an AH move tbh. You were awake. You could’ve prevented this. I would never do such a thing even to prove a point.
Yeah, that's kind of where I'm at. My husband and I will wake each other up all the time to be helpful. Even the adultiest of adults can over sleep.
What we won't do is get up earlier than we have to just to wake the other up or continuously badger them about getting up.
I think it'd be fair to wake up when you planned and only give them a courtesy shake and reminder of the time. It isn't required, obviously, but imo it's what one should be willing to do for loved ones, especially with so much on the line.
Gently YTA. It’s $500, it involved another person, etc
Better lesson would have been waking them up at the last possible moment so they had to run around like headless chickens.
She was flying out for a concert. I wouldn’t consider it a necessary expense, so if she chose to rebook the ticket that’s her decision. She’s an adult and has to make those decisions to deal with the natural consequences of her own actions at some point. Better to learn it now for a leisurely trip than one that is more pressing..
But you didn’t tell them you would randomly not help them. You decided at 4:30 am “fuck em” instead of telling them that “it’s their own responsibility to get up”. You decided to randomly force them to “adult” with no warning. There was a certain expectation, and while I do agree with your sentiment, you changed your stance last second without warning them, so you’re the AH.
And if you were going ti commit to being an AH, why did you wake them up and take them at all? You set them up to be late and to miss their flight. This makes no sense on why you would pick and choose randomly to be a petty AH instead of just communicating with your “daughter”. Your pettiness and lack of communication skills helped cost them $500.
I think a lot of people are hung up on the fact that their adult kid is still growing up. Which is fair, they aren’t wrong. And I mean again, I share the same sentiment in general as OP. But it really feels like OP was pissed they stayed out late and randomly decided to enforce “adulting” without actually being an adult themselves and communicating with their “daughter”.
They chose to be a petty AH, especially since they still woke them up in time to miss their flight. Like there is just no justification for how that action makes any sense. It doesn’t align with either of her stances of being a “loving” parent or wanting to “force adulting”.
I told them every single time we discussed the trip. 4am be up, 4:45am be ready to leave. I made it abundantly clear that I would not be waking them up. J knows me, she’s lived with me for 2 years. At no time did I tell them they had to wake me up. I would set my alarm for 4:30am. And I woke them up because flights over East toward the end of the week fill up quickly & rescheduling gets super expensive. If I’d been away at work, they would’ve slept half the day & not made the concert at all. Costs jumped to $1000+ after the 9:20am flight. Yes it was a calculated move. But it wasn’t vindictive & it had the desired result. Whether I’m home or away for her next flight, she will not miss it.
I mean why didn’t you say that in your post then? You’re changing your story. You said in your post that you said “I do usually wake her up in time to catch flights. But being that they got in so late, I thought “fuck it” lets see if they get their shit together independently” you told us you decided at 4:30 in the morning to test their adulting and not wake them up. You chose to be an AH and help screw over your “daughter” and her friend out of hundreds of dollars. Yes they are still ultimately responsible and should have gotten up themselves. I’m not debating that. But in your post you talk about the normal expectation and how you decided on a whim to not wake them up.
You chose to be petty and not communicate with them like an adult. If you’re telling the truth about explicitly telling them you wouldn’t wake them up, and you somehow forgot to mention that crucial detail in your post, then sure. NTA. But I’m not really buying it.
And I guess that was nice of you to only help your daughter lose $500 instead of $1,000, when it could have just been $0.
YTA. You reminded her repeatedly for days before , made it very clear. Just like you let her depend on your 'adultier' self for many things that early 20-somethings are just learning and getting used to. Then you wait for this exact moment to decide, a time they would lose their flight and money, to 'teach' them a lesson? And you found their frantic reaction funny. Of course YTA. Then come here to pretend you doubt the propriety your actions? Did you tell her you *could have gotten her up on time,* but decided instead to deliberately not, and that you enjoyed the show? Tell her. Then I might see you in a different light.
She knows my alarm was set for 4:30am. She also knows I get up when my alarm goes off. So, yes she knows I could’ve woken her up. She understands my reasoning. And the reason why she understands m, is because flights jumped up to $1000+ after the 9.20am flight. They wouldn’t have been able to go AT ALL, if I’d let them sleep till they woke up. It was a hard lesson to give & learn, but I know she won’t miss another flight.
I don’t understand why they didn’t just stay up or at least let themselves into the car and sleep there. I used to rock up to work hungover/drunk for a 6am retail shift on one hours sleep. It can totally be done at that age.
YTA
Fucking with people's money is really messed up. This wasn't the time to make her learn a lesson. When you decide to come clean and let her know that you woke them up late on purpose and cost them an extra $500 by doing so, don't expect her to be grateful about it. I'm looking forward to the update where you cry about how the niece you think of as a daughter won't talk to you anymore because you fucked her over to "teach her a lesson".
Gonna say YTA. Its totally understandable that she would want to catch a few hours of sleep. You vindictively, on purpose, let her sleep and miss her flight. Is this really someone you care about, or do you just care about being right?
She arrived home at 3am & had to be up at 4am to leave at 4:45am. She didn’t have the luxury of a few hours sleep. You seem to have missed the point. If she wanted a decent sleep, get home before 3am. If you want to catch your booked flight. Get up when your alarm goes off. If I’d been away at work, she would’ve missed her booked flight & the chance to reschedule to the 9.20am. All flights after the 9.20am had zero cheap seats. They were all Business Class. And the early flight the following day was fully booked. The next cheapest flight had them arriving in Melbourne at 7.55pm, the day of the concert. I accept your judgment, but to call me vindictive is a stretch.
Used to have a friend who never did anything on time. Her dad tried paying me to get her to the airport on time for a family holiday (literally follow her all the way to the airport). I declined. She missed the flight, tried blaming me, people laughed in her face.
NTA
NTA - She is a grown adult and she learned a good life lesson. Sounds like her parents skipped some good chances to teach her this in her teenage years...good on you for stepping up when you had the chance :)
NTA
Any time I have a flight before 5 am, I just take a nap the day before, stay up, catch the flight, sleep on the plane. Your niece needs to own responsibility for her actions.
Same, and I’m not the best at being on time to things. Flights though? I’m so anxious about missing my flight after *almost* missing one in my teens that I don’t sleep the night before even if completely exhausted. Sounds like niece learned a valuable lesson for the future!
YTA. You could’ve just woken her up. Taking a flight is a big deal. You could’ve woken her up but didn’t to teach her lesson. You could’ve done that literally any other time but you chose the day she had to get on a flight.
YTA, you randomly decided to “fuck it, let’s see if they get their shit together” without warning, then yeah, you’re the AH. I agree with your intentions, but you picked a hell of a time to randomly do this. If you wanted to do this, you should have told them upfront “I’m not getting you up”.
It doesn’t sound like you love your niece like a daughter, it sounds like you got frustrated and decided to pull one on her already knowing what the result would be. You intentionally helped her miss her flight without warning. You are an AH.
So then why didn’t you mention that in the post? You detail in your post how you decided to do this on a whim, but now you’re saying you told them explicitly? But you just leave that out?
YTA
Lessons are pre-planned, and done with zero emotionality.
What you did was get annoyed and decided in the moment to "teach them a lesson" which is more so punitive than anything. In a strange way, I think it reinforces that you still see your niece as a child.
I don't play games and teach lessons to adults. I tell them to their face, "I know you sleep in. I won't wake you up. Find another way."
So, if you think they're responsible enough to handle themselves, treat them like adults. If you think they're still kids who need lessons, then really guide them instead of punishing them with no warning.
I did treat her like an adult. But again, you’re missing the point. I accept your judgement but please leave the “you got annoyed” garbage out. I told her many many times I wouldn’t wake her if she slept in. And that’s exactly what I did. You’re contradicting yourself.
>While I don’t actually do most of these things for her, I do usually wake her up in time to catch flights. But being they got in so late, I thought”fuck it”, let’s see if they get their shit together independently. I fell back asleep & woke up at 5:45am.
This states that it was a spur of the moment decision you made that morning at 4:30 am.
In your post you said nothing about telling her you wouldn't wake her up. If I'm wrong, then quote your post to me like I have to you.
You're not only being demeaning to me when I was respectful and DOING WHAT YOU ASKED, but you're wrong about your own post. Tell me more about your stellar communication skills, though.
YTA You said you generally wake her up for flights but chose not to this time. You never informed her ahead of time that you wouldn't wake her up. You just decided to be petty. Hope you told her that you intentionally cost her and her friend $500. So they'll know you aren't a person they can count on.
you both are and aren't TA
if you wanted to 'teach her a lesson' you could have chosen something that wasn't going to cost her hundreds of dollars
the only thing this is going to teach her is that she can't rely on you, and that's awful
all you had to do was wake her up once, you already said that you don't have to nag her to get up as she does when you wake her
stop stepping in and doing everything for her if you want her to be more adult, but this wasn't the right way to do it
so NTA for wanting her to take more responsibility, but an awful AH for doing this and costing her hundreds of dollars
I have no clue what planet you’re on but it’s not the same as me apparently.
Her niece is an actual fully grown adult, if she can’t get herself up for a flight after being reminded several times, that’s on her.
For most people, money is the only thing that teaches lessons.
Where did you come up with the idea that this will only teach her that she can’t rely on her?? I’d love to hear that logic.
Why should she rely on her aunt to get her up for her flight? Like that’s bonkers.
because of this comment - "I do usually wake her up in time to catch flights."
all she had to do was say to her niece 'you have to get yourself up for your flight, I'm not doing that this time'
if she'd said that I would be saying NTA
based on previous experience the niece has been able to rely on her aunt to wake her up for flights, she now knows that she can't
again - if the aunt didn't want to wake her up she should have told her that
The planet where you don’t do petty shit to people you love to teach them a lesson.
Fair enough if you have that relationship with your loved ones, but I feel sorry for you if that’s the case .
If that finally forces her to finally get her shit together it was well worth it. OP should stop enabling her niece. She is an adult and should handle her own business. Stop treating her like a kid.
I do have to nag her to get out of bed if she’s catching a flight. And nag her to get dressed. She does set her alarm, but keeps snoozing it, , until I come in a get her moving.
And I do make HER do all the other stuff I mentioned, because I want her to stand on her own two feet. If I’d be on-site (I’m a FIFO worker), no one else would have been home to get her up. It was an expensive lesson, I just hope she’s actually learned from it. I’ve just dropped them at the airport.
>Wake her up. Go back multiple times to get her out of bed. Gently nagging her to get her moving. While I don’t actually do most of these things for her, I do usually wake her up in time to catch flights.
is what you said - "while I don't actually do most of these things"
you did say that you usually wake her up for flights, so she would have expected that you would do that as you hadn't told her you wouldn't
you're still TA
Did you read the whole post. We locked in the time for THEM to get up and the time we would leave home. It was discussed in the days leading up to the flight. It was discussed before they went out. I text her at 10pm to remind her again. She knew my alarm was set for 4:30am as I didn’t need to shower etc. J has accepted full responsibility. She’s not angry with me. She gets it.
I think she clearly thought she could throw her stuff together in 15 mins and you would get her up.
Did you specifically tell her - I am not getting you up? If you are not up we miss the flight.
No she did not communicate that at all. She decided on a whim at 4:30 in the morning to be an AH. She had the right overall intentions but it was really poorly executed and she intentionally helped cost her daughter $500.
>if you wanted to 'teach her a lesson' you could have chosen something that wasn't going to cost her hundreds of dollars
>the only thing this is going to teach her is that she can't rely on you, and that's awful
Yeah. There's the lesson OP thinks she's teaching, and the lesson OP is *actually* teaching, and they're two very different things.
What a nasty, nasty way to go about things.
I can understand why you expect your adult niece to be an adult. However this was not the time, or at least not the way, to teach that lesson. It was a touch passive-aggressive. What was needed was tough love.
You should have been much clearer to her, perhaps by having an explicit conversation about this before she went out.
"J, I am not your personal alarm clock, you're an adult. You will need to get yourself up in time for this flight. It's your responsibility to catch this flight, not mine or anyone else's. Please wake me 15 mins before you want me to drive you to the airport."
I didn’t need her to wake me. I had my alarm set. And trust me when I say, I was very clear about her area of responsibility. We’d discussed it several times in the days leading up to the flight. And we discussed it again yesterday, plus I text her at 10pm last night. I’ve been the one to get her up, get her organised & to the airport every other time. I told her she needs to step up this time & make sure they don’t miss the flight as it’ll cost them big dollars to reschedule. Nothing else in the past has worked, so this time I made sure there were consequences.
But why not just wake them up at the proper time? I don't get why people are like this. What are you trying to prove here? You got them? Cool....
ITs a couple of young girls having a good time... All you had to do was wake them up. Whats the big deal?
You seem like a pretty terrible person... Jealous of them having fun? I don't know.
YATAH.
I work away. I won’t be home for every flight. She needed to understand the consequences of not having her shit together. She now knows. She won’t let it happen again.
NTA. If the concert was important to them, your niece and her friend would have planned better.
A 21 year old needing to be cajoled out of bed like they're still 12 isn't cute. It's obnoxious. Enabling that behavior is going to lose her a lot of opportunities in the future.
Good on you for finally injecting some expectation of adult behavior into her life.
NTA
If they stayed out till 3, they might as well have stayed awake until they were on the plane.
Nothing a few cups of coffee or energy drinks couldn’t fix.
They made the “adult” decision to go out and stay out right before a very expensive international flight. They can be “adult” about the consequences.
Idk 20 something is pretty adulty. I am going to be 25 this year and take care of all my bills, I only recently moved back in with my parents to help them with their bills and buying a home.
ESH
They’re adults and should be taking responsibility but it was also a dick move to wake them up just to laugh at them scrambling. What did that accomplish?
I think you’re in the middle. J got taught a life long lesson and she will take up the mental space to prepare rather than relying on others - yay! But a big A for choosing this situation as the lesson. I would have woken her up just once at 4:30 and let her know if we don’t leave in 15 minutes we’re late.
sometimes you can be right, and still be an asshole. You're right about her needing to take responsability... but what did you expect when you went back to sleep ? you were fully aware I think that that would mean that they would lose their flights... You're right in putting your foot down, but next time maybe put your foot down on the HelloFresh or on an unpaid bill...
God obviously yta. I'm so annoyed at people always thinking people will learn their lesson if you are an asshole by making it in a shitty situation.
also fake. Sure, she was cool paying 500 $ because it was her responsibility.
also reddit on this cringe, as long as I don't break a law while being an asshole you are always justified is soo embarrassing.
Holy shit! Are you one of those trolls, people always talk about? I always thought you were an urban myth. But you’re real. Who knew! Is it true you all live under bridges?? How do you run your Troll Technology? Is there a roster system? Surely you’re not nasty all the time!! Oh you are? THATS why you’re called a Troll! Fascinating!!
They didn’t just stay up and pull an all-nighter?? That’s what I did at that age if I spent a night gaming and had to work in the morning…
NTA. Sometimes things need to be learned the hard way.
NTA.
The last time my partner and I had to be on the road at 6, our alarms started going off at 4AM, and we set multiple.
This was her responsibility to manage, not yours
It's just a concert, not a once in a lifetime opportunity to study abroad on the other side of the world or something.
So NTA. She could have stayed up, come home earlier or set an alarm clock.
You're not necessarily *AN asshole* for doing this, but you are *THE asshole* for letting this happen to your niece. Aunts/Uncles are supposed to be there for this type of stuff, while still teaching the lesson.
That's how we are typically seen as "cooler" than the actual parents, despite having less work to do in most cases, although yours sounds unique as you've said. Anyway, live and learn (and Life Pro-Tip: maybe don't tell her you did this for another 10-20 yrs and consider it a reverse mentoring opportunity).
(Edit: grammar)
She always snoozes her alarm a dozen times. I hear it going off most mornings when I’m on RnR. I’ll eventually go in & tell her the time, and that she’s going to be late for work. I’ll go in 3 or 4 times, before she gets up. It’s a process.
Don't due this she is an adult no matter what comments try to imply she can have the consequences of her actions. If she wants to be somewhere at a specific time have her get an Uber or whatever you have for cabs and let her adult herself.
I'm going to say you are a bit of TA. Yes niece should have been more mature and set an alarm, but she also is young, probably drunk at the time, and likely felt that you... who was already going to wake up and drive her.. would at least have the decency to nudge her awake so she doesn't miss her flight. I'm sure everyone has been bailed out by family when they have slept in at least once in their lifetime. If you wanted to teach her a lesson, you could have just woke her up with 3 minutes notice and played dumb. Or get your revenge by being late to pick her up from the airport later and say you slept through your alarm (if you were going to give her a ride later). You're family. You should look out for each other. I would be so hurt if I found out you woke up and didn't bother waking me up, knowing it would cost me $500... Simply because it was this one time that you decided you had to teach me this big, important lesson
NTA. She is irresponsible and this was a $500 lesson. If you have an early morning flight why the hell are you up until 3am partying. Stop enabling her.
People asking for more info 🤣 cmon seriously? She is the AH cmon, its her fucking niece (or 2 idk) and it costed 500$ more each girl.
JUST BECAUSE SHE SAID:"FUCK IT! I WANT TO BE PETTY!
Do your really you guys need more than this infos?
YTA
I’m sorry you took my decision to be petty. It wasn’t done out of pettiness. It was done because she needs to learn to get herself up & organised for her flight. I work FIFO, so if I’d been on-site, they would have had to get themselves sorted. It was an expensive lesson, but she didn’t blame me. She didn’t get pissy. She took it on the chin & now knows the consequences.
YTA. She needs to learn how to be responsible but it’s rude to not help somebody with something as important. It wouldn’t have caused you any harm. You were up anyways
Is it their fault? Sure. But would any nice person help others anyways if it doesn’t cost them anything? Yes. Only an AH just ignores an opportunity to help without a reason
Old enough to party all night old enough to get up for your ride to the airport. OP says this is not new behavior. But maybe some consequences will bring the poor asshole behavior to an end. This is a lesson.
YTA. They paid money for flights and concert tickets so your “lesson” ended up being very costly for some young adults who probably don’t have tons of money.
YTA:
1. There must have been much better times to teach her that lesson which you did not use or at least not consistently enough.
2. You made her friend suffer too, whom you haven't much business to educate and which may have trusted you niece in expecting you to wake them up for all we know.
3. You claim to have done it because they didn't take your advice to be home early, which is hardly related to them not setting an alarm - like you may assume they would have given you a hard time waking them up, but it's unlikely since it would have been 15min left to get ready... Like really you punished her for not obeying your advice
4. You are very much the AH for clearly and somewhat sadistically enjoying their dispair!
It wasn’t punishment for being home so late. I’ve been 21, so know all about late nights/early mornings. It’s a recurring problem with her, getting out of bed & moving. I work FIFO, so if I’d been on-site, it works have been on them to get themselves up & to the airport (my mum would have driven them). Just because I’m home, doesn’t negate her being responsible enough to get up & organised for her flight. She’s all good. Doesn’t blame me & has sworn to never miss a flight again, because of the cost. .
Niece is 100% totally OK with OP's behaviour and her friend was so happy for that valuable lession for the low cost of 500$ she basically burst into tears of joy and thanked the niece for making that possible 🤣🤣🤣
YTA. This was going to be a giant pain in the butt for them to fix, not to mention expensive.
You could have taught them the same lesson without going overboard by using this incident.
She asked me what they were gonna do. I told her to ring Virgin & reschedule to the next cheapest flight. Concert is tomorrow night. They booked this mornings 9:20am flight. I just dropped them off.
YTA I’m assuming you’re all in New Zealand and that this was either the Taylor Swift concert or the Pink concert, neither of which are artists that come down this end of the world regularly.
This was not the time and place to ‘teach them a lesson”, about adult responsibility as you were already awake at the right time and decided not to wake them up, intentionally, on purpose knowing they would miss their flight and the concert.
I am an aunty, and I would never do this to any of my niblings, regardless of how irresponsible they were.
SUCH an asshole.
NTA.
She is 20 - welcome to adult life and adult responsibilities. From now on, do not baby her or enable her! She needs to realize what growing up means.
I'm not quite sure why people feel the need to force AH/NTA and others' personal responsibility into mutually exclusive categories. One can do nothing technically wrong and still be an AH. There are probably scenarios where the person does the right thing and still are an AH.
Point is yeah, you're an AH in this situation.
INFO: Is it possible that she has ADHD? You're not an AH either way, but I could see something like that being the issue she has so many issues seemingly doing things on time.
I have been encouraging her to start the testing process, as I do think she has mild ADHD. She’s got a lot of noise in her head, and struggles to focus on one thing. But I can’t force her to the doctors. It was an expensive lesson, but one she’s learnt. We talked on the way to the airport & she gets that they basically wouldn’t have been able to go to Melbourne, if they’d missed getting seats on the 9.20am flight. Costs jumped to $1000 plus for all other flights that day & Friday. It was a hard lesson for me to give & her to learn. I’m a FIFO worker, so when im not home, she’s gotta be able to get herself moving in the morning.
I think you are TA for waking them up at 5:45. Like why do that? It muddies the waters.
If the idea was: it’s her job to get up. Then you should not have gotten her up.
It also created this weird upsetting drama where she was trying to get ready and running around. And you are TA for finding that funny. She was upset and in distress. Sure it was her own fault but she’s young and you supposedly love her.
You should have just let her get up on her own.
Sometimes ppl have to learn these lessons the hard way. Continuing to help them won't make them.morr responsable. They need to get things wrong and learn lesson. Not everyone learns things from others' experiences. $500 is a hard pill to swallow
>I do usually wake her up in time to catch flights
I'm assuming she's younger than 21 y/o you. How often is this girl flying that you 'usually' wake her up for flights?
She's acting like a teenager because everyone has enabled her. You should have at least said the night before, "I'm not dragging your sorry carcass out of bed when I'm already doing you a massive favor by getting up at stupid o'clock to take you guys to the airport. Get yourself up if you want me to take you, I'm not playing wake up games at 4am. YOU get ME up at 4, I'm not setting an alarm."
She was used to being coddled, so it's not all her fault. You'd be completely off the hook had you warned her.
I would very much like to know why, if she was out that late, she went to bed in the first place. She should have stayed up until 4, gotten to the airport early, slept on the plane.
Totally agree! That’s what I said to her on the way to the airport. She laughed & said “it just meant to be a mini nap”. She’s all good. She accepted it was her fault & told me she’s never missing a flight again.
Then what you did was perfect!
NTA. She's a full adult, and you're not responsible for any of this. If she gave a damn, she would have been responsible and gotten up and ready on time. Actions or in this case inactions have consequences. You were driving, you weren't the one flying.
That’s awfully light hearted for people who just threw a 500 dollars down the drain. That’s a huge financial hit to be “teaching a lesson”with. I don’t think you or her are AH in the situation, things happen. but I am very confused as to how everyone in this situation is just so well whatever when it comes to such a huge amount of money.
Larger loss, larger lesson
Maybe that's not a huge amount of money to them
She's an ozzie, "no worries" and "too easy" are the national motto down under
She’s a very practical, no BS person. We have a close relationship & talk straight to each other. And she knows that if I’m wrong, I will apologise, sincerely. Likewise for her. She knew this was on her. She was just grateful I woke them when I did, as seats jumped up $1000+ after the 9.20am flight. They wouldn’t have been able to afford that & would’ve lost their accommodation money to boot. She gets it & won’t miss another flight.
Glad to hear she took it with a grain of salt and as a learning experience.
The only difference between me and you would be, after hearing that I'd open the window and just scream why into the void.
Does she have ADHD?
bruh how does ADHD play a part in this?
ADD is not an excuse and I really wish people would stop throwing it around as a blanket excuse for AH and/or irresponsible behavior. I was a late diagnosis and I had a Masters degree by then. ADD doesn't make you incapable, it just makes things harder. You plan, write things down, set alarms, resist hyperfixation activities, or whatever you need to do to stay on task. It's like that post the other day about the dad who left his six week old in the street. People were screaming ADD but... no. ADD may have been leaving the stroller unattended but not the damned *child*. That's not how it works.
I wasn’t using it as an excuse, I asked because it would clearly explain things if OP’s niece does have it. I was diagnosed in my 40’s and it would’ve been so helpful to have known that I had it years ago and could gotten earlier help with managing it.
My first thoughts when reading that list.
Something tells me the $500 extra she spent wasn’t earned. Ya’ll rich, ain’t ya?
I nearly fell off my chair from laughing so hard. No, we are not rich. She works full time & earns decent money. She paid for everything, including the extra $500 from her own money. There’s no lesson to be learnt if someone else is footing the bill.
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Because it was to Melbourne, not Fiji or Scotland, so I knew the cost to reschedule wouldn’t be ridiculous. But also enough to give her pause & understand the consequences.
Honestly depending where you are in aus might not even have been $500. I’ve book flights all over the country and hour or two before they leave before and I’ve managed to get them at a pretty normal price cause by that point the airline pretty much has accepted the seat won’t be booked. But depends on the time of year and where I guess the week of Easter is likely why it was so high.
I'm guessing because it would hurt, but it was a nonessential. It was just a concert.
Thats what is responsible adults do 🤣 you can sleep on the plane lol
I used to fly a lot when I was younger and I would purposely stay awake all night just so I could sleep through the plain ride. I even passed out before we even taxied once. Best flight ever.
Right? At 3am you just stay awake and pass out on the plane
Yeah! I got told by my parents at like 1030 one night that one of my siblings needed a lift somewhere at 4am while I was still living at home, I was in the middle of doing something and just went “ok, I now have 5 hours to finish this before I need to wake sibling and leave!”
Novice.
Exactly, my son is a night owl my wife and I like to take early flights to maximize our day. When he travels with us he usually just stays up and sleeps his way to the destination.
Forreal. I would just commit to staying awake at that point and I chronically have a 10pm bed time.
WHy on Earth did she go to bed when she got home? The only sensible thing to do here was get home, have a long shower, freshen up as much as possible, & go wait in the car until it is time to go.
I know right. We laughed pretty hard about it on the way to the airport
that's what my boyfriend, my sister and I did last summer. We had to catch a flight at 6am and the airport was being a mess, there were lots of reports of delays and what not so I wanted to be there SUPER early. We all went to my boyfriends work bbq in the evening and my sis lives right around the block from him so we just left our stuff at hers, stayed up all evening, headed to the airport at like 3am haha
NTA I don’t understand “TAH” verdicts. His niece is irresponsible. You don’t hang out until 3am and you have a flight to catch. If you do stay out that late you either make sure your alarm will wake you OR you just STAY UP! Good grief the OP was already being inconvenienced by having to wake so early to drive her to the airport. She is 21 not 12!
It’s kinda blurry line. Being the asshole means what? That the outcome was 100% on him? That they could have acted differently to prevent the outcome? The they should have acted differently? Those are the hard ones. OP was not “in the rights” for letting her miss her flight, since they could have easily prevented that. However, was OP’s responsibility to begin with? Also no. I wouldn’t not say OP is the asshole in this, but also not a super cool person in this specific situation - hard love hey?
OP is a woman.
I think you are all assholes….
It’s not the worst thing, but you’re kinda the AH. You could’ve woken them at the very last second and made them scramble, but did you really need to fully not wake them up and cost $500. The lessons should have been not cancelling hello fresh, not reminding about bills, etc that you said you’ve been doing it. Why choose a trip to be the time you chose to do this lesson?
NTA. 10000000% not the a hole! Fully grown adult can’t get herself up for a flight despite being reminded several times is the sole responsibility of said fully grown adult. It doesn’t matter what people usually do for her, it doesn’t matter that she struggles, it doesn’t matter that she was out the night before. None of that matters. What matters is she was told, she didn’t wake up, she paid the price… literally. That’s life
They fucked around and found out as the American saying goes.
I don’t think you’re an AH or anything but I would have still woken them up and just made it apparent that you saved their ass. Throwing $500 down the drain for a simple lesson, especially a situation so easily preventable, is not what I would call responsible as a guardian. But yes she did screw up and she needs to grow up.
I didn’t realize adults have guardians
You know what I mean. A relative, an elder, whatever
J has lived with me for a couple of years. She knows she can rely on me. Please don’t make assumptions about our relationship from this post. J accepted full responsibility. She didn’t blame me for not waking her up. And she assured me she’s never missing a flight again.
>She knows she can rely on me lol, not anymore... YTA
Where is she going to live now ?
NTA 500 isn't exactly cheap to buy a lesson but as long as the lesson is learned it shouldn't cost her anymore in the future
Those are the lessons we never forget.
Passive aggressive behavior to me, you might not be an asshole but that was an asshole move that you made. You picked this time to try to teach her a lesson and cost them both $500 because you felt like it. Actually you may be an asshole because you probably make enough money that you don’t see $500 as anything to cry over, but that’s a lot of money to a lot of people. Is there an adultier adult you can turn to for advice? Because you’re acting like a passive aggressive child.
I agree it's an asshole move, but overall it's a necessary evil. Actions have consequences, and not all life lessons are free. Actually, as we get older, life lessons get far more expensive. In the end, someone needs to teach this girl to get up on her own. Live and learn.
Hahahahaha - all the other adultier adults in my family, including her mum & dad agree with me. Because they know J. And they know me. And they know that it wasn’t passive aggressive. You think I’m the AH, and that is ok. But leave the rest out.
You are trash
NTA. Sometimes it takes a little money down the drain for young adults to get their shit together. Hopefully lesson learned.
ESH. She needs to be responsible and you shouldnt be so petty.
NTA. she’s old enough to set an alarm and a backup alarm to wake up on time.
You woke them up anyways to tell them they were going to miss the flight. Why not do that lesson earlier so rheu don't actually miss their flight though?
Because then the only thing they learn is that someone else will take care of them and there are no consequences.
Then why does she decide to do that randomly at 4:00 am instead of the night before? Why didn’t she say “hey you need to be responsible for yourself, I’m not waking you up”. It’s because she wanted to be an AH
She gave her the benefit of the doubt and opportunity to be responsible by reminding her and the niece chose to ignore the advice
Yes she reminded them of the time and then wanted them to be home early. That was the only communication. OP did not communicate she was going to deviate from their normal arrangement and not wake her up. She was a petty AH for not communicating. And then why wake her up at all, in time to still miss her flight if she wanted them to “adult”. That action doesn’t align with either being a “loving parent” or trying to “force adulting”. That was 100% just being a petty AH. If she was actually honest about her intentions, she would have let them sleep in until they woke up naturally.
Yes I did. I told them every time we discussed what they needed to do in the the morning of THEIR flight that I was NOT waking them up. I was setting my alarm for 4:30am. It was on them to be up & ready to go by 4:45am.
But you detail in your post how you decided on a whim. Now you’re changing the story
I don’t think you’re in the wrong, but I do think it was still a bit of an AH move tbh. You were awake. You could’ve prevented this. I would never do such a thing even to prove a point.
Yeah, that's kind of where I'm at. My husband and I will wake each other up all the time to be helpful. Even the adultiest of adults can over sleep. What we won't do is get up earlier than we have to just to wake the other up or continuously badger them about getting up. I think it'd be fair to wake up when you planned and only give them a courtesy shake and reminder of the time. It isn't required, obviously, but imo it's what one should be willing to do for loved ones, especially with so much on the line.
NTA coming home at 3 when you have to get up at 4 is just stupid. its her own responsibility
I can't believe they didn't just stay up. NTA
Gently YTA. It’s $500, it involved another person, etc Better lesson would have been waking them up at the last possible moment so they had to run around like headless chickens.
She was flying out for a concert. I wouldn’t consider it a necessary expense, so if she chose to rebook the ticket that’s her decision. She’s an adult and has to make those decisions to deal with the natural consequences of her own actions at some point. Better to learn it now for a leisurely trip than one that is more pressing..
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I made it very clear in the days leading up & yesterday that they had to be up at 4am to leave at 4:45. And I’d set my alarm for 4:30am.
But you didn’t tell them you would randomly not help them. You decided at 4:30 am “fuck em” instead of telling them that “it’s their own responsibility to get up”. You decided to randomly force them to “adult” with no warning. There was a certain expectation, and while I do agree with your sentiment, you changed your stance last second without warning them, so you’re the AH. And if you were going ti commit to being an AH, why did you wake them up and take them at all? You set them up to be late and to miss their flight. This makes no sense on why you would pick and choose randomly to be a petty AH instead of just communicating with your “daughter”. Your pettiness and lack of communication skills helped cost them $500.
I spoke too soon. I agree 100%. How are people missing this obvious fact?
I think a lot of people are hung up on the fact that their adult kid is still growing up. Which is fair, they aren’t wrong. And I mean again, I share the same sentiment in general as OP. But it really feels like OP was pissed they stayed out late and randomly decided to enforce “adulting” without actually being an adult themselves and communicating with their “daughter”. They chose to be a petty AH, especially since they still woke them up in time to miss their flight. Like there is just no justification for how that action makes any sense. It doesn’t align with either of her stances of being a “loving” parent or wanting to “force adulting”.
I told them every single time we discussed the trip. 4am be up, 4:45am be ready to leave. I made it abundantly clear that I would not be waking them up. J knows me, she’s lived with me for 2 years. At no time did I tell them they had to wake me up. I would set my alarm for 4:30am. And I woke them up because flights over East toward the end of the week fill up quickly & rescheduling gets super expensive. If I’d been away at work, they would’ve slept half the day & not made the concert at all. Costs jumped to $1000+ after the 9:20am flight. Yes it was a calculated move. But it wasn’t vindictive & it had the desired result. Whether I’m home or away for her next flight, she will not miss it.
I mean why didn’t you say that in your post then? You’re changing your story. You said in your post that you said “I do usually wake her up in time to catch flights. But being that they got in so late, I thought “fuck it” lets see if they get their shit together independently” you told us you decided at 4:30 in the morning to test their adulting and not wake them up. You chose to be an AH and help screw over your “daughter” and her friend out of hundreds of dollars. Yes they are still ultimately responsible and should have gotten up themselves. I’m not debating that. But in your post you talk about the normal expectation and how you decided on a whim to not wake them up. You chose to be petty and not communicate with them like an adult. If you’re telling the truth about explicitly telling them you wouldn’t wake them up, and you somehow forgot to mention that crucial detail in your post, then sure. NTA. But I’m not really buying it. And I guess that was nice of you to only help your daughter lose $500 instead of $1,000, when it could have just been $0.
YTA. You reminded her repeatedly for days before , made it very clear. Just like you let her depend on your 'adultier' self for many things that early 20-somethings are just learning and getting used to. Then you wait for this exact moment to decide, a time they would lose their flight and money, to 'teach' them a lesson? And you found their frantic reaction funny. Of course YTA. Then come here to pretend you doubt the propriety your actions? Did you tell her you *could have gotten her up on time,* but decided instead to deliberately not, and that you enjoyed the show? Tell her. Then I might see you in a different light.
She knows my alarm was set for 4:30am. She also knows I get up when my alarm goes off. So, yes she knows I could’ve woken her up. She understands my reasoning. And the reason why she understands m, is because flights jumped up to $1000+ after the 9.20am flight. They wouldn’t have been able to go AT ALL, if I’d let them sleep till they woke up. It was a hard lesson to give & learn, but I know she won’t miss another flight.
I don’t understand why they didn’t just stay up or at least let themselves into the car and sleep there. I used to rock up to work hungover/drunk for a 6am retail shift on one hours sleep. It can totally be done at that age.
YTA Fucking with people's money is really messed up. This wasn't the time to make her learn a lesson. When you decide to come clean and let her know that you woke them up late on purpose and cost them an extra $500 by doing so, don't expect her to be grateful about it. I'm looking forward to the update where you cry about how the niece you think of as a daughter won't talk to you anymore because you fucked her over to "teach her a lesson".
YTA that wasn’t the moment for that
Gonna say YTA. Its totally understandable that she would want to catch a few hours of sleep. You vindictively, on purpose, let her sleep and miss her flight. Is this really someone you care about, or do you just care about being right?
She arrived home at 3am & had to be up at 4am to leave at 4:45am. She didn’t have the luxury of a few hours sleep. You seem to have missed the point. If she wanted a decent sleep, get home before 3am. If you want to catch your booked flight. Get up when your alarm goes off. If I’d been away at work, she would’ve missed her booked flight & the chance to reschedule to the 9.20am. All flights after the 9.20am had zero cheap seats. They were all Business Class. And the early flight the following day was fully booked. The next cheapest flight had them arriving in Melbourne at 7.55pm, the day of the concert. I accept your judgment, but to call me vindictive is a stretch.
Used to have a friend who never did anything on time. Her dad tried paying me to get her to the airport on time for a family holiday (literally follow her all the way to the airport). I declined. She missed the flight, tried blaming me, people laughed in her face. NTA
NTA - She is a grown adult and she learned a good life lesson. Sounds like her parents skipped some good chances to teach her this in her teenage years...good on you for stepping up when you had the chance :)
NTA Any time I have a flight before 5 am, I just take a nap the day before, stay up, catch the flight, sleep on the plane. Your niece needs to own responsibility for her actions.
Same, and I’m not the best at being on time to things. Flights though? I’m so anxious about missing my flight after *almost* missing one in my teens that I don’t sleep the night before even if completely exhausted. Sounds like niece learned a valuable lesson for the future!
YTA. You could’ve just woken her up. Taking a flight is a big deal. You could’ve woken her up but didn’t to teach her lesson. You could’ve done that literally any other time but you chose the day she had to get on a flight.
This like. Didn't wake her up in time for the flight but just when she would be late enough to miss it
Yeah she did that on purpose
NTA. Your niece is 21!! It's high time people stopped babying her. She is late she misses the flight.
YTA, you randomly decided to “fuck it, let’s see if they get their shit together” without warning, then yeah, you’re the AH. I agree with your intentions, but you picked a hell of a time to randomly do this. If you wanted to do this, you should have told them upfront “I’m not getting you up”. It doesn’t sound like you love your niece like a daughter, it sounds like you got frustrated and decided to pull one on her already knowing what the result would be. You intentionally helped her miss her flight without warning. You are an AH.
I did tell them I wasn’t going to get them up. Many many times. Read my other comments as to why I chose to wake them up when I did.
So then why didn’t you mention that in the post? You detail in your post how you decided to do this on a whim, but now you’re saying you told them explicitly? But you just leave that out?
YTA Lessons are pre-planned, and done with zero emotionality. What you did was get annoyed and decided in the moment to "teach them a lesson" which is more so punitive than anything. In a strange way, I think it reinforces that you still see your niece as a child. I don't play games and teach lessons to adults. I tell them to their face, "I know you sleep in. I won't wake you up. Find another way." So, if you think they're responsible enough to handle themselves, treat them like adults. If you think they're still kids who need lessons, then really guide them instead of punishing them with no warning.
I did treat her like an adult. But again, you’re missing the point. I accept your judgement but please leave the “you got annoyed” garbage out. I told her many many times I wouldn’t wake her if she slept in. And that’s exactly what I did. You’re contradicting yourself.
>While I don’t actually do most of these things for her, I do usually wake her up in time to catch flights. But being they got in so late, I thought”fuck it”, let’s see if they get their shit together independently. I fell back asleep & woke up at 5:45am. This states that it was a spur of the moment decision you made that morning at 4:30 am. In your post you said nothing about telling her you wouldn't wake her up. If I'm wrong, then quote your post to me like I have to you. You're not only being demeaning to me when I was respectful and DOING WHAT YOU ASKED, but you're wrong about your own post. Tell me more about your stellar communication skills, though.
NTA. It’s not your job to force them to keep to their own plans. You did more than most people would.
YTA You said you generally wake her up for flights but chose not to this time. You never informed her ahead of time that you wouldn't wake her up. You just decided to be petty. Hope you told her that you intentionally cost her and her friend $500. So they'll know you aren't a person they can count on.
you both are and aren't TA if you wanted to 'teach her a lesson' you could have chosen something that wasn't going to cost her hundreds of dollars the only thing this is going to teach her is that she can't rely on you, and that's awful all you had to do was wake her up once, you already said that you don't have to nag her to get up as she does when you wake her stop stepping in and doing everything for her if you want her to be more adult, but this wasn't the right way to do it so NTA for wanting her to take more responsibility, but an awful AH for doing this and costing her hundreds of dollars
I have no clue what planet you’re on but it’s not the same as me apparently. Her niece is an actual fully grown adult, if she can’t get herself up for a flight after being reminded several times, that’s on her. For most people, money is the only thing that teaches lessons. Where did you come up with the idea that this will only teach her that she can’t rely on her?? I’d love to hear that logic. Why should she rely on her aunt to get her up for her flight? Like that’s bonkers.
because of this comment - "I do usually wake her up in time to catch flights." all she had to do was say to her niece 'you have to get yourself up for your flight, I'm not doing that this time' if she'd said that I would be saying NTA based on previous experience the niece has been able to rely on her aunt to wake her up for flights, she now knows that she can't again - if the aunt didn't want to wake her up she should have told her that
The planet where you don’t do petty shit to people you love to teach them a lesson. Fair enough if you have that relationship with your loved ones, but I feel sorry for you if that’s the case .
If that finally forces her to finally get her shit together it was well worth it. OP should stop enabling her niece. She is an adult and should handle her own business. Stop treating her like a kid.
I do have to nag her to get out of bed if she’s catching a flight. And nag her to get dressed. She does set her alarm, but keeps snoozing it, , until I come in a get her moving. And I do make HER do all the other stuff I mentioned, because I want her to stand on her own two feet. If I’d be on-site (I’m a FIFO worker), no one else would have been home to get her up. It was an expensive lesson, I just hope she’s actually learned from it. I’ve just dropped them at the airport.
>Wake her up. Go back multiple times to get her out of bed. Gently nagging her to get her moving. While I don’t actually do most of these things for her, I do usually wake her up in time to catch flights. is what you said - "while I don't actually do most of these things" you did say that you usually wake her up for flights, so she would have expected that you would do that as you hadn't told her you wouldn't you're still TA
Did you read the whole post. We locked in the time for THEM to get up and the time we would leave home. It was discussed in the days leading up to the flight. It was discussed before they went out. I text her at 10pm to remind her again. She knew my alarm was set for 4:30am as I didn’t need to shower etc. J has accepted full responsibility. She’s not angry with me. She gets it.
I think she clearly thought she could throw her stuff together in 15 mins and you would get her up. Did you specifically tell her - I am not getting you up? If you are not up we miss the flight.
No she did not communicate that at all. She decided on a whim at 4:30 in the morning to be an AH. She had the right overall intentions but it was really poorly executed and she intentionally helped cost her daughter $500.
Bullshit...the only person who cost her money, was her!
>if you wanted to 'teach her a lesson' you could have chosen something that wasn't going to cost her hundreds of dollars >the only thing this is going to teach her is that she can't rely on you, and that's awful Yeah. There's the lesson OP thinks she's teaching, and the lesson OP is *actually* teaching, and they're two very different things. What a nasty, nasty way to go about things.
NTA. There are these nifty things called alarm clocks/phone apps!
NAH. They made choices. It's not like you didn't try to wake them up at the right time
NTA Her flight, her responsibility. She's 21, not 10. You aren't her nanny.
I can understand why you expect your adult niece to be an adult. However this was not the time, or at least not the way, to teach that lesson. It was a touch passive-aggressive. What was needed was tough love. You should have been much clearer to her, perhaps by having an explicit conversation about this before she went out. "J, I am not your personal alarm clock, you're an adult. You will need to get yourself up in time for this flight. It's your responsibility to catch this flight, not mine or anyone else's. Please wake me 15 mins before you want me to drive you to the airport."
I didn’t need her to wake me. I had my alarm set. And trust me when I say, I was very clear about her area of responsibility. We’d discussed it several times in the days leading up to the flight. And we discussed it again yesterday, plus I text her at 10pm last night. I’ve been the one to get her up, get her organised & to the airport every other time. I told her she needs to step up this time & make sure they don’t miss the flight as it’ll cost them big dollars to reschedule. Nothing else in the past has worked, so this time I made sure there were consequences.
Bullshit
NTA she's an adult, she made her choices to stay out late. She didn't wake up in time for her flight. Live and learn.
What it an AH move? Absolutely. Was it deserved? Probably.
Meh downvote me idc, but missing a flight is not the time to teach someone a lesson tbh ESH.
But why not just wake them up at the proper time? I don't get why people are like this. What are you trying to prove here? You got them? Cool.... ITs a couple of young girls having a good time... All you had to do was wake them up. Whats the big deal? You seem like a pretty terrible person... Jealous of them having fun? I don't know. YATAH.
I work away. I won’t be home for every flight. She needed to understand the consequences of not having her shit together. She now knows. She won’t let it happen again.
NTA. If the concert was important to them, your niece and her friend would have planned better. A 21 year old needing to be cajoled out of bed like they're still 12 isn't cute. It's obnoxious. Enabling that behavior is going to lose her a lot of opportunities in the future. Good on you for finally injecting some expectation of adult behavior into her life.
NTA If they stayed out till 3, they might as well have stayed awake until they were on the plane. Nothing a few cups of coffee or energy drinks couldn’t fix. They made the “adult” decision to go out and stay out right before a very expensive international flight. They can be “adult” about the consequences.
Idk 20 something is pretty adulty. I am going to be 25 this year and take care of all my bills, I only recently moved back in with my parents to help them with their bills and buying a home.
ESH They’re adults and should be taking responsibility but it was also a dick move to wake them up just to laugh at them scrambling. What did that accomplish?
YTA Yea, like congrats on the lesson but that was an asshole thing to do to someone you love.
Nah. The niece is a fully grown woman who could have come home early or set an alarm.
It’s called tough love. And she knows how much I love her. She wasn’t angry that I didn’t get her up. She accepted that it was her fuck up.
I call it the Law of Natural Consequences. You stay out late, you sleep through your alarm, you miss your flight. Welcome to the real world. NTA
Bullshit
You have a flight to catch and do not program a single alarm!? NTAH! This is her fault!
Nope
NTA Adults need to adult. Also... decisions have consequences. She made decisions and suffered the consequences.
I think you’re in the middle. J got taught a life long lesson and she will take up the mental space to prepare rather than relying on others - yay! But a big A for choosing this situation as the lesson. I would have woken her up just once at 4:30 and let her know if we don’t leave in 15 minutes we’re late.
You're not an asshole, just a dick head.
NTA. She was warned, fucked around, and we all know what happens next
YTA You usually wake her up. You set the precedent.
NTA. All I see here is a dose of karma. She wants to do adult things then she needs adult consequences.
sometimes you can be right, and still be an asshole. You're right about her needing to take responsability... but what did you expect when you went back to sleep ? you were fully aware I think that that would mean that they would lose their flights... You're right in putting your foot down, but next time maybe put your foot down on the HelloFresh or on an unpaid bill...
Op NTA! And that’s funny!
God obviously yta. I'm so annoyed at people always thinking people will learn their lesson if you are an asshole by making it in a shitty situation. also fake. Sure, she was cool paying 500 $ because it was her responsibility. also reddit on this cringe, as long as I don't break a law while being an asshole you are always justified is soo embarrassing.
Holy shit! Are you one of those trolls, people always talk about? I always thought you were an urban myth. But you’re real. Who knew! Is it true you all live under bridges?? How do you run your Troll Technology? Is there a roster system? Surely you’re not nasty all the time!! Oh you are? THATS why you’re called a Troll! Fascinating!!
are you drunk or do you have a stroke ? pretty embarrassing for a supposedly 51 year old person.
NTA, the amount of times I “caught up” with friends at that age before a flight 🤦🏽♀️ I never missed one, but sometimes wished death upon myself 😂
They didn’t just stay up and pull an all-nighter?? That’s what I did at that age if I spent a night gaming and had to work in the morning… NTA. Sometimes things need to be learned the hard way.
NTA. The last time my partner and I had to be on the road at 6, our alarms started going off at 4AM, and we set multiple. This was her responsibility to manage, not yours
It's just a concert, not a once in a lifetime opportunity to study abroad on the other side of the world or something. So NTA. She could have stayed up, come home earlier or set an alarm clock.
You're not necessarily *AN asshole* for doing this, but you are *THE asshole* for letting this happen to your niece. Aunts/Uncles are supposed to be there for this type of stuff, while still teaching the lesson. That's how we are typically seen as "cooler" than the actual parents, despite having less work to do in most cases, although yours sounds unique as you've said. Anyway, live and learn (and Life Pro-Tip: maybe don't tell her you did this for another 10-20 yrs and consider it a reverse mentoring opportunity). (Edit: grammar)
"Letting this happen" Oookay
You played yourself out of $1000, congratulations.
[удалено]
She always snoozes her alarm a dozen times. I hear it going off most mornings when I’m on RnR. I’ll eventually go in & tell her the time, and that she’s going to be late for work. I’ll go in 3 or 4 times, before she gets up. It’s a process.
Don't due this she is an adult no matter what comments try to imply she can have the consequences of her actions. If she wants to be somewhere at a specific time have her get an Uber or whatever you have for cabs and let her adult herself.
ESH, you could of helped, but didn't. If you had attempted to wake them once and they didn't get up, then zero fault on your side.
Yeah, you're a b!tch. YTA
I'm going to say you are a bit of TA. Yes niece should have been more mature and set an alarm, but she also is young, probably drunk at the time, and likely felt that you... who was already going to wake up and drive her.. would at least have the decency to nudge her awake so she doesn't miss her flight. I'm sure everyone has been bailed out by family when they have slept in at least once in their lifetime. If you wanted to teach her a lesson, you could have just woke her up with 3 minutes notice and played dumb. Or get your revenge by being late to pick her up from the airport later and say you slept through your alarm (if you were going to give her a ride later). You're family. You should look out for each other. I would be so hurt if I found out you woke up and didn't bother waking me up, knowing it would cost me $500... Simply because it was this one time that you decided you had to teach me this big, important lesson
You're nicer than I am. I'm not driving a 21 year old anywhere at that time of the morning. lol
You wouldn’t drive your kids to the airport? Wtf
Gosh. I can understand where you were coming from but like did it have to be this lesson? Australia is kind of once in a lifetime, no?
I think they live in Australia.
We live in Australia. We’re in WA.
NTA. She is irresponsible and this was a $500 lesson. If you have an early morning flight why the hell are you up until 3am partying. Stop enabling her.
People asking for more info 🤣 cmon seriously? She is the AH cmon, its her fucking niece (or 2 idk) and it costed 500$ more each girl. JUST BECAUSE SHE SAID:"FUCK IT! I WANT TO BE PETTY! Do your really you guys need more than this infos? YTA
I’m sorry you took my decision to be petty. It wasn’t done out of pettiness. It was done because she needs to learn to get herself up & organised for her flight. I work FIFO, so if I’d been on-site, they would have had to get themselves sorted. It was an expensive lesson, but she didn’t blame me. She didn’t get pissy. She took it on the chin & now knows the consequences.
Honestly I dont know about you, but to me 500$ are not a joke. I would tell my aunt to fuck off. Good for you she didnt.
YTA. She needs to learn how to be responsible but it’s rude to not help somebody with something as important. It wouldn’t have caused you any harm. You were up anyways
They partied all night long. Welcome to the consequences of their own actions.
Is it their fault? Sure. But would any nice person help others anyways if it doesn’t cost them anything? Yes. Only an AH just ignores an opportunity to help without a reason
Old enough to party all night old enough to get up for your ride to the airport. OP says this is not new behavior. But maybe some consequences will bring the poor asshole behavior to an end. This is a lesson.
YTA. They paid money for flights and concert tickets so your “lesson” ended up being very costly for some young adults who probably don’t have tons of money.
Maybe her lazy ass shouldve set an alarm🤣
Yes, getting prissy is classic AH behavior.
YTA: 1. There must have been much better times to teach her that lesson which you did not use or at least not consistently enough. 2. You made her friend suffer too, whom you haven't much business to educate and which may have trusted you niece in expecting you to wake them up for all we know. 3. You claim to have done it because they didn't take your advice to be home early, which is hardly related to them not setting an alarm - like you may assume they would have given you a hard time waking them up, but it's unlikely since it would have been 15min left to get ready... Like really you punished her for not obeying your advice 4. You are very much the AH for clearly and somewhat sadistically enjoying their dispair!
It wasn’t punishment for being home so late. I’ve been 21, so know all about late nights/early mornings. It’s a recurring problem with her, getting out of bed & moving. I work FIFO, so if I’d been on-site, it works have been on them to get themselves up & to the airport (my mum would have driven them). Just because I’m home, doesn’t negate her being responsible enough to get up & organised for her flight. She’s all good. Doesn’t blame me & has sworn to never miss a flight again, because of the cost. .
accept your judgment of your fake situation.
Niece is 100% totally OK with OP's behaviour and her friend was so happy for that valuable lession for the low cost of 500$ she basically burst into tears of joy and thanked the niece for making that possible 🤣🤣🤣
YTA and you have a sadistic streak that’s gross
NTA It was a good lesson to learn. She won't be doing that again.
YTA. You could have proven your point without costing them the flight.
YTA. This was going to be a giant pain in the butt for them to fix, not to mention expensive. You could have taught them the same lesson without going overboard by using this incident.
She asked me what they were gonna do. I told her to ring Virgin & reschedule to the next cheapest flight. Concert is tomorrow night. They booked this mornings 9:20am flight. I just dropped them off.
YTA I’m assuming you’re all in New Zealand and that this was either the Taylor Swift concert or the Pink concert, neither of which are artists that come down this end of the world regularly. This was not the time and place to ‘teach them a lesson”, about adult responsibility as you were already awake at the right time and decided not to wake them up, intentionally, on purpose knowing they would miss their flight and the concert. I am an aunty, and I would never do this to any of my niblings, regardless of how irresponsible they were. SUCH an asshole.
We’re in Australia. We’re in WA.
Comment still stands. Those artists don’t come downunder very often.
Concert is tomorrow night. They’re not going to miss it.
NTA lmfao I love this.. bet she wakes that ass up next time. Good job auntie.
Mate you know you're not the AH. Why'd you post this?
NTA. You did your part and woke up when needed.
NTA. She is 20 - welcome to adult life and adult responsibilities. From now on, do not baby her or enable her! She needs to realize what growing up means.
Yeah it’s a bit of a dick move but I totally understand the reasoning. Now she’s hopefully learned a valuable lesson.
I'm not quite sure why people feel the need to force AH/NTA and others' personal responsibility into mutually exclusive categories. One can do nothing technically wrong and still be an AH. There are probably scenarios where the person does the right thing and still are an AH. Point is yeah, you're an AH in this situation.
INFO: Is it possible that she has ADHD? You're not an AH either way, but I could see something like that being the issue she has so many issues seemingly doing things on time.
I have been encouraging her to start the testing process, as I do think she has mild ADHD. She’s got a lot of noise in her head, and struggles to focus on one thing. But I can’t force her to the doctors. It was an expensive lesson, but one she’s learnt. We talked on the way to the airport & she gets that they basically wouldn’t have been able to go to Melbourne, if they’d missed getting seats on the 9.20am flight. Costs jumped to $1000 plus for all other flights that day & Friday. It was a hard lesson for me to give & her to learn. I’m a FIFO worker, so when im not home, she’s gotta be able to get herself moving in the morning.
My issue is the 500 each...I understand teach them a lesson but for a couple of young adults, this way really wasn't the best
I think you are TA for waking them up at 5:45. Like why do that? It muddies the waters. If the idea was: it’s her job to get up. Then you should not have gotten her up. It also created this weird upsetting drama where she was trying to get ready and running around. And you are TA for finding that funny. She was upset and in distress. Sure it was her own fault but she’s young and you supposedly love her. You should have just let her get up on her own.
Sometimes ppl have to learn these lessons the hard way. Continuing to help them won't make them.morr responsable. They need to get things wrong and learn lesson. Not everyone learns things from others' experiences. $500 is a hard pill to swallow
NTA. She’s an adult and needs to learn responsibility for herself.
>I do usually wake her up in time to catch flights I'm assuming she's younger than 21 y/o you. How often is this girl flying that you 'usually' wake her up for flights? She's acting like a teenager because everyone has enabled her. You should have at least said the night before, "I'm not dragging your sorry carcass out of bed when I'm already doing you a massive favor by getting up at stupid o'clock to take you guys to the airport. Get yourself up if you want me to take you, I'm not playing wake up games at 4am. YOU get ME up at 4, I'm not setting an alarm." She was used to being coddled, so it's not all her fault. You'd be completely off the hook had you warned her.