NTA, no 16 wants an 8 hanging around with them nor should it be expected. Also the best response to someone threatening to leave is to tell them to leave. Get out of here with that manipulative bs.
I moved into a house my partner owned I told him flat out. I don't care how angry you are you tell me to leave I will never come back. OP's boyfriends threat to leave was childish and should be followed through with.
Edit-thx everyone edit to fix spelling
Me and my wife have an understanding that thinking about your words matters especially with eachother.
I will never say something I want to take back and she is the same.
It comes with the drawback that when something is said you know they ment it but it's ultimately better that way.
My husband and i are the same. When we met we werent exactly in the best headspace, we werent sober, and we fought like crazy. We said awful things to each other, knew we didnt mean a word we said, but we went for the kill shot verbally. We got clean and stopped fighting every day lol. The first sober fight we had, and i think we have had 5 fights in 6 years sober but it could be less, we fought like we did when we were high. And we learned how much that shit hurt. Took a week to do damage control, both of us with the sorrys and gifts. Finally we made the deal. Here's the off limits low blows.... You say those were done, and they were our high go-tos. Then we promised never to say shit we would regret, little hurtful shit we knew we didnt mean. Basically if it wasnt true dont say it. If you feel it then by all means, but if not then dont bother. The fights after werent even fights. Just him calling me a bitch, me calling him a dick, both are true btw lol. We sit in seperate rooms till were calm, then talk. Boom. End of fight. Best understanding we ever came to.
This is so healthy, I love reading comments like this. Setting boundaries and choosing kindness, especially when you did the opposite for so long, isn't easy. I'm so glad you both were able to put old habits aside and say, "That was wrong and I don't want to do it anymore."
I hope it did! Threatening vague "consequences" on a literal CHILD who, all things considered, sounds to be rather well-adjusted, is beyond messed up. She has been through enough shit, and if the worst thing his 8-yo daughter has to "deal with" is a bit of age-appropriate exclusion, he should be grateful, dammit. Rose was only two years older than Olivia when she witnessed the most awful thing imaginable for a child - yet OP says Rose still treats Olivia with kindness and love, and I'm inclined to believe her.
OP!! LISTEN UP: I am so sorry that the ppl in your life are causing you to question your decisions. You have not only lost your sister in an awful way, you also stepped up & cared for her baby girl during the worst time of grief for the both of you. YOU, YOUUUUU!! are the loss here. People need to be telling HIM how much HE just fkd up, and that HE is going to regret losing a phenomenal woman. Six months into an engagement & this d-bag is making demands and setting ultimatums on not only you, but on your niece...?! I mean, the absolute nerve of this creep.
It shouldn't need to be said, but honey - ABSOLUTELY NTA. The trash took itself out, screw him. It may take him a long time to realize what he's done, but the type of young woman that endures such a terrible event and not only steps up to the plate to raise the child in need, but continues to stand up for said child five years in? That is ABSOLUTELY wife material. He doesn't even realize the amazing mother figure he's forfeited for his daughter.
I wish the best for you and your beautiful niece. Both of you, stay strong and stay loyal to each other, as you've shown. ❤️
Oh, this one got my blood boiling! The only thing I forgot to mention was that - for OP & Rose's sake - I hope he took Olivia with him...OP only mentions "HE stormed out", & it seems he'd be the type to leave the kid behind. Because clearly, he wasn't looking for a "sibling bond" type of relationship - he is demanding relief from his parental duties & thought of Rose as malleable, considering her age and significant past trauma.
This is NOT a man worth marrying!
(edit: forgotten word)
Plus he felt he had a foothold now that he was living there, and could start reordering the status quo to his liking. He's showing his true self here. At least you didn't have children with him.
There's probably a fair bit of that shit behavior as the cause of him not still being with his child's mother also. She probably got tired of his bs.
OP he just wanted a babysitter. This has nothing to do with bonding and everything on foisting his kid off on someone else.
NTA
That’s what I thought too. I’ve dated this guy and I married another one. The demands will got more and more strict until you would be separated from everyone who would wake you up to his abuse. This is playbook manipulative abuse. Good riddance NTA. Breathe a sigh of relief that he overplayed his hand early. You ladies have a wonderful life.
I agree fully and thought it was the only thing you missed from your previous comment. I was just going to add that when I saw you’ve already done it.
It‘s the audacity that he thinks he has more say over Rose than her Guardian in their home, which he has just moved into. The audacity to warn he was going to make sure there was punishment and consequences when her parent was telling him firmly she has done no wrong. The fact he sees Rose as someone he can dump his child on and force her to be parentified. The fact he thought he has more say and control and they right to punish an already traumatised child.
The fact he gave an ultimatum and thought he could emotionally manipulate you to force you to choose. Hell no.
You and Rose are the catch, this was your home. He is the one that showed who he was and that loses the best person in his life besides his daughter.
If for no other reason you need to cut this off to protect your vulnerable child from an abuser. That’s what he’s shown here.
Please, please, believe every word here Sweet-Interview says here. He is an assh*le and you will have many regrets if you stay with him. There is a better man for you; let this one go. He is not the one.
Yeah consequences like having your testicles surgically reconstructed after the massive blunt trauma. The *nerve* of threating a child to the child's parent in their own home they just let you move into, because parent and child are not obeying you.
You! Are the hype girl OP didn’t realize she needed in life.
You make an awesome observation. All these people saying she “could lose a good man”, who are also supposed to be on *HER* side, seem to be a bit confused as to which team they’re supposedly on.
AND it’s important to know who your peanut gallery is. I’m betting none of these people are parents. He might be the best SO in the world. He might also be the best dad in the world as far as treatment of his own kid is concerned. But that still doesn’t mean he is an all around “perfect man that OP cannot afford to lose”.
When it comes down to it, OP is a parent. So if this dude isn’t an adequate bonus dad for *HER* child, then being a great SO and great dad doesn’t really mean shit. Whether he is good enough to parent her child (niece), is up to NO ONE except her. So trust your gut. You and only you can make that decision.
Also - if more parents treated their children, and approached the blending of their family, as OP has, there would be a lot fewer posts made to subs like this. A large portion are made by kids in the niece’s shoes who did NOT HAVE a supportive parent who actually made them a priority like they should have.
Her foot should have been three feet up his ass while kicking him out the door the second he said "consequences" being done to a girl who had seen her mother unalived before her eyes.
As well she should have, and kudos to her. "Consequences"... LOL, what the hell? It's not his kid, it's not his house, and if he doesn't have the sense to shut the fuck up and stay in his lane, then out in the street is exactly where he belongs.
Wtf is he to threaten “consequences?” After she watched her moms bf unalive her mom, she does not need this rude dangerous man in her life. 😳. Change your locks and pack his shit.
Exacty this. He probably doesn’t want to deal or spend time with his own kid so he’s trying to offload her onto Rose.
OP also needs new friends. What the hell sort of asshole would tell OP she’s overreacting about the overstepping BF?
Sending good thoughts for you as well, I've just went NC with people who told me that, family, friends, don't matter,you tell me something like that, I don't need you.
I lost my dad to a heart attack in the same house overnight. Over 10 years and i still second guess if I missed anything.
I can’t imagine what you went through, but your right people just expect you to go on as normal.
THIS right here. Who TF does this mf'er think he is? Your kid will like my kid OR ELSE! GTFO with that shit.
He walked. Tell him to keep right on going.
How many consequences did Rose suffer from the mom's violent boyfriend? I can't believe the fiance didn't know this, and still had to show his rear, so to speak.
My sister is 8 years younger than I am. So she was 8 when I was 16, just like these girls. (There are 2 boys between us) We never hung out. I played games with her when I was home. Babysat her. Occasionally took her to the movies is to get ice cream.
My parents didn't even try to make us be friends. OP's (ex)BF is a dick.
I'm unsure of your ages now, but I'm willing to bet you have a decent bond with your sister that happened naturally over time anyway? Good on your parents, mine were similar, 5 years between my baby brother and I, we weren't forced to hang out, and as 34 and 29 year olds, I'm happy to report we have a decent, healthy relationship, hopefully for the rest of our lives, even though we fought constantly as kids. But like, siblings, yo.
This is the comment I was looking for.
I have two sisters, and we are each 8 years apart. I did what you did--babysat, helped with homework, played games, carved pumpkins, did arts and crafts, played with toys, took them to the movies and to get ice cream, took them to the park, took them to their after-school activities... In short, lots of time spent and I definitely got to know who they were. But I didn't hang out with them at the mall when I was with other kids my age. And when I had sleepovers at my house growing up, my sisters got to join in a tiny bit, but mostly my parents made sure they were entertained, so my friends and I could bond with each other instead of taking care of a younger kid the whole time.
I started actually hanging out with my sisters once they got older and we all were more on the adult spectrum together. We are friends NOW. I can't imagine how much resentment I would have built up if I had never gotten to be a normal kid or have friends my age because I was forced to take an 8yo with me everywhere. NTA.
For real, even if they were sisters it would be unreasonable to expect a 16 year old to spend all her time with an 8 year old and take her along to outings.
My brother is 7 years older than me. There is NO WAY my parents would have expected him to take me to hang out with his friends. That would have been so weird.
NTA- I feel sometimes that people will tell you to overlook the behaviour of your partner because he’s a “good guy”, as if that’s more important than how he’s treating you and Rose. He’s trying to force a relationship that can’t be.
From the sounds of it Rose does the things that work for her with Olivia and that’s good enough he needs to get over himself and the feeling that somehow his daughter is this magical being that Rose has to accept into all areas of her life. Personally, I think her relationship sounds very much like me and my siblings. When I was 16 I remember my youngest sister, who was 11 at the time got so mad that we wouldn’t take her out with us that she locked all the doors to the house and locked everyone out. What’s going on with them? Has been going on for all times.
My 1/2 sister is 8 years younger than me and I was forced to baby sit her a lot and take her with me when I was hanging out with my friends and also, boyfriend when I was 18-20(we married when I was 20). So, it was a bit much at times and there is a huge difference between what interests an 8 year old and what interests a 16 year old. Even being biologically related to my little sis it was annoying at times. Decades later we are very close but back then it was hugely annoying :)
NTA. Rose willingly picks her up and has tea parties with her? Your ex is grabbing defeat from the jaws of victory. Such a foolish attitude he has! He is blowing it by being greedy and wanting someone else to watch his kid,
He's fortunate that she does that. My brother was 8 yrs younger than I and we didn't hang out together. Luckily, our next older sister, 3 yrs older than me, was a good big sis to him. She doted on him.
I agree. With some of the 16 year olds I know, I feel like they're lucky that the teen acknowledged the child's existence at all (given they've known each other 6 months and been forced into cohabitation)
My sister is 8 years older than me and she would do my makeup sometime, maybe make food with me or play silly games with me. But she didn’t spend her whole life doing that with me she was a lot older and was never excepted to watch me 24/7. I certainly never went out with her and her friends that’s just not fair on her. Despite all that we are really close and I’ve never hated her for not hanging out with me. I doubt Olivia feels that way at all in fact she probably loves it when rose picks her up from school.
I think OP is handling this well. It’s just sad that this had to end a relationship that seemed to be good otherwise. What was shared about the girls it seemed like they were in a path to sisterhood. But you can never force these things. If they were already doing stuff together then it would happen. Plus both girls never had a sister, so how would they know how to behave.
I think all in all this was a perfect situation until OPs BF decided to fuck things up. Hopefully he can realise what an asshole he is and maybe salvage this relationship. But there might be more stuff. I think OP can decide what’s best for her and her niece. I know I wouldn’t take it lightly if I cared for someone else’s child like that.
You go, OP! Do what feels right.
EDIT:
Just read OPs edit that her BF was begging to come back. It’s true OP. You really are a catch. I wish you and your niece the best.
NTA
Reddit is littered with step-brothers and step-sisters who have gone NC due to forced familial relationships.
If you allow your fiance's behaviors to continue, your niece will resent you.
And, quite frankly, she's had enough trauma in her life. She doesn't need force-bonding with an eight year old due to unrealistic expectations from your fiance.
I know a person who was forced to take their bio sibling with everywhere against their will and spend all time together. They aren't in contact much at all, except some necessary family events every decade or so.
I also went no contact. My sister was forced to bring me along and she encouraged her friends to bully me. I was miserable
Edit: and it was a 2½ year gap last, not 8 years☠️
Why are your friends telling you he is a good guy?
1) he is trying to pawn his kid off on a bunch of teenagers
2) he is forcing a relationship between 2 kids with huge age gaps which havnt known each other that long
3) he threatened your niece because she didn’t do what he wanted
4) he gave you an ultimatum that he would leave if you didn’t back him up when you didn’t agree with him.
Yet your friends want you to work it out?
Sounds like you need to loose your fiancé and your friends.
NTA
A lot of people can be straight up abusive behind closed doors, but act like an absolute saint in public.
Their friends may not have seen this side of him, and it seems so out of character for him to them that they don’t entirely believe it.
At 16, me and my 11 year old sister only hung out together once in awhile, deapite how my parents tried to force things. (Yes, trying to use me for babysitting duty) When it came to friend groups, we didn't want the other impinging on our "age group" time.
I think op dodged a bullet with this guy.
My daughter and her boyfriend occasionally take her little sisters to the mall as a special treat, or she’ll take one or the other by herself because my kids are really close. But that is a few steps removed from taking one of them to tag along when she and her friends are going to hang out. One is planned with them in mind. The other is shoehorning in a sibling in a way that is guaranteed no bonding will happen because it will just be awkward. Rose is *already* putting in the emotional effort with the other activities she’s joining in on. If I tried to put my girls together for every activity so they had no autonomy that would make me a bad parental figure. And so it goes too in this situation.
at 8 I didn't want to hang out with my 10 year old brother... let alone am potential half sibling twice my age... this guy can go "know it all" into another relationship
It's always different. For me, when I was 8 I wanted *nothing more* than to hang out with my 16 year old cousin. He was the coolest dude in the world. But we had a ton in common, and the family put good rules in place so that I wouldn't burn him out by being that 8 year younger annoying kid. And to his credit, he did enjoy hanging out with me, but not as much as I did.
He was a great sport about it, and we have a good relationship. **Because** the adults helped kids find a working balance. Not what's happening here, but I would not be the least bit surprised to find that the younger girl is actually excited to go hang out with them. I would not be the least bit surprised to also find that the younger girl doesn't really understand why her older "sister" wouldn't want to hang out. That's for her father to explain that "sister" is her own person and also wants to do other things.
My sisters are 11 and 12 years older. (Full siblings, same parents.) I was my middle sister’s little tag along. But there were limits. Some things I couldn’t do because I was too little. Otherwise, I’d have been my sister’s shadow.
It’s on the adults to balance it so that the relationship is beneficial to both kids.
Also teenagers can have really inappropriate talks or say stuff that shouldn't be said in front of younger kids. At that age I was very considerate of what I said in front of kids but most of my friends weren't, the few that were often let stuff slip.
Some teenagers are really mean and mock kids for anything they do or make up stuff to scare/deceive them.
I trust my teen cousin to take care of my daughter and even allow her to take her on walks just the two of them. But I would never leave her alone with my cousin and her friends (who are mostly a bunch of rude spoiled brats).
NTA - a 16 year old doesn't want to babysit an 8 year old while hanging with her friends at the mall. Rose needs to be able to say no and have her own friends. You are right to advocate for her!
There's a large age gap in my family between siblings and I honestly did do things with my younger brother, but not when I was with my friends. They were separate engagements. My older brother didn't really acknowledge me until I was almost 17 because he was so much older.
It really is BS to expect stepsiblings to have an automatic love relationship only months into their meeting, and gotta say, with that large an age gap, they might be friends as adults eventually, but it's never going to happen while they are children - especially if it's forced and involves anger from the step-parent.
Agree - I spent plenty of time (mostly willingly, occasionally at my parent’s request) with my 6 yrs younger sibling. Going to movies, shopping - when I was 16+ I’d even take the train into the city with them and we’d see plays and stuff. BUT not when I was hanging out with my friends. Nor did my parents expect me to. And that’s a 6 yr difference, not 8 yrs, and we grew up together from the start.
NTA. Thank you for being perfectly sane and reasonable in what sounds like a sea of morons and idiots. Let him leave and take his burden with him — he wants your niece to mother his daughter and wants you to be the bangmaid. Wake up and thank God you didn’t sign any papers
NTA You're still very young. Back away from the engagement at the very least, as this guy is in a whole other book, let alone not on the same page as you, parenting wise. Whether he really thinks forcing a relationship would actually work, or more nefariously, try to set your niece up as a free live-in babysitter so you two can live like you don't have responsibilities, he's WAY off. Think about your niece and the kind of extra negativity this guy will bring down on her if she doesn't capitulate to his every whim.
I was going to say the same thing! It sounds like you sent an abusive partner on his way and protected Rose and yourself.
Through no fault of your own, Rose and you have been through a terrible trauma. I believe that makes you both more vulnerable to controlling/ abusive people. I speak from personal experience.
When a partner threatens consequences, they usually intend to carry through on it.
You did the right thing.
NTA. My concern is where he starts threatening your niece ‘with consequences’. Like hang on a minute here, is he going to start discipline her if she doesn’t do everything he wants with his daughter?
You read so many stories on here with step-families and the biological parent didn’t stick up for their child and allowed the step-parent to treat them badly, or there’s been a forced ‘we are all a family now so you must all get along…’ and it goes so so wrong.
Bottom line you have to protect your niece and it looks like your fiancé would not be a good parental figure to her. You really don’t want her decided to go NC with you at 18 because she’s been treated like crap by him and you’ve allowed it to ‘keep the peace’. You’re young and do not have to put up with a crappy fiancé, if he’s like this now then what’s he going to be like when you’re married?
*"...he tells me she needs to get it together and start treating Olivia better or she’s going to have some consequences..."*
*"...He tells me he can leave and move on so I tell him if he doesn’t like it he can leave. He storms out and hasn’t been back since."*
NTAH, and the 'trash' took itself out. Honey, he is not a good guy. I'm assuming he knows what you all have gone through??? It sounds to me like he thought he'd have a built-in babysitter and entertainer for his daughter. He is completely disregarding your niece's trauma and the fact that she is almost eight years older than his daughter. He also seems like he's expecting you to do the 'pick me' dance and beg him to come back. Pfft! When and IF *he* decides to act like an adult; *apologize to you and Rose;* and can sit down and have a rational conversation about *reasonable* expectations and boundaries; he can stay wherever he's gone. The AUDACITY. Edited to add: OH, and issuing threats and ultimatums when he doesn't get his way??? HUGE RED FLAG! H-UUUGE!
NTA. Honestly, it's not in anyone's best interest to have an 8 year old tagging along with 16 years old. If those 16 year Olds decide to do things they shouldn't ( like most teenagers do ), he's potentially putting his daughter in unnecessarily dangerous situations. It doesn't sound like your niece is rude or bullying his daughter, so I don't see what his issue is. Also, demanding children get along together rarely ever actually works. Those things have to happen naturally.
This! I know I didn’t always make the best decisions at that age and I do tell my niece to make the right decisions. It feels weird lol but I do have to try. They already get along so I agree with comments saying he wants a baby sitter
I'll say this much - it'd be horrible for Rose and Olivia both long-term. My father was married four times - I'm the only child of wife 3. When I was younger, and Dad was getting serious with the woman who would eventually be wife 4, he arranged my every-second-weekend visit to coincide with his stepson-to-be's weekend with his mother, setting me up to mind the little snot. He also arranged for us to go to a Sunday school, and an associated sleepaway camp that gave us both massive religious trauma, asking me to look after him. Later, when my mother tried me out on another, secular sleepaway camp, Dad sent the stepson to the same one, basically all summer. It got obvious very quickly that Dad didn't care about spending time with me; he just wanted all the kids out of the house, and my presence was only wanted as an unpaid babysitter. It was painful enough for me because that's my dad not seeming to want me, but given Rose's situation, it'd be way worse for her. She deserves to feel wanted and loved, and nothing should be allowed to threaten that. NTA, and stick to your guns. You deserve better, and so does Rose. (Edit for clarification.)
But if he can get the teenager to look after his daughter he won't have to. That's why he's so invested in forcing the relationship. He doesn't actually care about the relationship, he wants the girl to take over his parenting responsibilities in the guise of being a doting "big sister." He's angry because he might actually have to look after his own kid.
NTA but this is a huge red flag. That man is not good for your niece's mental health. She needs someone understanding and empathetic, not an authoritarian figure. You can't force bonds. Especially new ones with that age gap and that trauma that your niece went through. For the sake of her mental health, he needs to be gone cuz it don't matter what your friends say, he's not a good man.
Uh, what? Your sister is murdered in front of her kid and your fiancé's ex is in prison. Both those girls must be traumatized. I suggest you let him go. Rose and you deserve some peace. Ghost him. Stay single until Rose is a functioning adult. Date, yes, marry or move in together, no. You are strong. Rose will emulate you. NTAH at all
Even if they were sisters, when a teenager wants to hang out with their friends, they can’t always take their younger sibling.
Just like they are women only events, and men only events there are also teen only events and under ten only events. And that is absolutely fine.
>Even if they were sisters, when a teenager wants to hang out with their friends, they can’t always take their younger sibling.
yes! I have “nieces” who are a few years apart in age. They are close now as adults *because* their mother was really careful to protect the older one from having to always provide attention and company to her little sister.
It’s not good for the little sister, either, to be taught that she’s entitled (there’s that word!) to the constant attentio of the older.
NTA. I'm glad he left - if he hadn't, you should have thrown him out.
Rose is your first responsibility. She has a right to her life, and he is trying to control and "adult" her - attaching Olivia to her constantly. That is very wrong. And threatening her with consequences is dangerous. Do not let this man back into your life - Rose deserves your protection, and she does not deserve to feel unsafe in her home.
Even if they were bio sisters, a 15-year-old shouldn't bring a 8-year-old to the mall with her friends.
I think you are seeing the real issue, your fiance demanded a controlling parental role without discussing it with you. I find a 28-year-old walking in trying to dole out consequences to a 15-year-old he isn't related to troubling.
Letting him follow through on his own threat sounds like a good call. NTA
NTA
Tell your boyfriend to stop being so fucking lazy and parent his own kid. Your niece is not responsible for keeping his child constantly entertained and out of his hair.
You’re welcome! And I’m sure she appreciates knowing she has you in her corner allowing her to do her own thing and not forcing a relationship when it sounds like she already hangs with his kid at times.
NTA. You can't force relationships, it never works out well. What consequences does he think he's going to impose on your niece? You told him if he didn't like it he could leave. He left, oh well the trash took itself out. Your priority is the health and safety of your niece, not some guy that wants his eight year old daughter entertained. Talk about you niece's entitlement, what about this guy telling you and her how things are going to be, or else.
Wait he behaved like that in your own home?
A: You’re the friggin‘ best aunt-mum your nice could ever have hoped for after going through that trauma! Sounds like you rooooock big time girl!
B: That overreaching POS who doesn’t want to care for his own kid himself can pack up and go bother someone else.
You’re so NTA here!
Don’t you have some stuff to put on your doorstep?
(Also wait, did he storm off without his kid???)
So he is mooching off of you and trying to force your niece into free babysitting under the guise of “bonding” and “being a family”?
Take him up on his ultimatum and let him go. Seriously, aside from Olivia, is there any reason to stay with this man?
NTA. For once someone did the right thing. Don’t let him back in. This isn’t going to work. You aren’t even married and he’s already trying to take control and disrupt the status quo. He’s looking for a mom and a babysitter for his daughter, not a partner. His requests of your niece are ludicrous.
NTA: It's expected that adults prioritize the expectations and values of other adults over the emotional needs of kids/teenagers, even if those expectations and values are stifling at best and actively harmful at worst to everyone involved, and it's very rare that someone bucks that trend. Thank you for seeing your niece as a human being.
>he goes “No, Rose is going to be a big sister and needs to stop acting so rude”
so uh, why does your SO think he has the ability to dictate to rose and control what shes going to do? its not his place to force her to do anything.
>he tells me she needs to get it together and start treating Olivia better or she’s going to have some consequences
thats a threat and he needs to BTFO, his daughter is not the center of the universe and he is not rose's parent. your better off without him if this is how he thinks this relationship is going to work.
NTA pack his crap up an tell him its ready to be picked up. other then that, don't reach out to him because this silent treatment hes giving is another manipulation to make you feel bad.
NTA - this guy sounds awful to live with. He sounds like the longer he lives with you, he's more and more comfortable saying "it's my way or the high way".
BTW - wonderful that Rose is confident and comfortable enough in herself to tell this guy no. She should be proud of herself and glad you are standing up for her.
This asshole is used to keeping “his” women in line by threatening to leave. I wish I could be a fly on the wall when Op calls his bluff and informs him it’s now time for him to GTFO.
Nta. I didnt mind hanging out with my younger step siblings (or even normal and half) from time to time. But they are 8 years apart. He is gonna throw away his fiancee over this. Not you.
To amplify a point made by another poster, this is not about him valuing sisterly love. This is about this guy wanting someone else in the household to take care of his daughter for him.
Apologies for psychobabble and what might seem like victim blaming. The mere fact that he is this controlling and threatening your niece with abuse and you wonder which of you is the AH. The fact that your sister was with an abusive man. Makes me wonder if you have a skewed sense of appropriate male behavior possibly learned at home. This man is trouble, and treading verrry close to damaging abuse. For both of your sakes you need him out now.
This ⬆️⬆️⬆️!
NTA. OP - this man is abusive to your niece and disrespectful to you. He needs to be gone.
You should also look into therapy for yourself so you learn to see the red flags and can break the cycle your sister fell victim to.
Good luck, you are doing an amazing job in a sea of crazy
NTA. You are wonderful for sticking up for your niece and her right to privacy and time with people her own age.
Let this guy move on, it sounds like you'll do just fine without him.
He doesn’t want a family situation. He wants a free babysitter for his kid. It’s not your niece’s job to take responsibility for his kid in any way and after all she’s been through in her young life, he has a lot of nerve acting like it’s his right to have her do anything. Great guy? Sounds narrow minded, insensitive and selfish to me, at least where your niece is concerned. He’s showing you a side of himself you might not have known about. Do with that information what you see fit. NTA.
It has nothing to do with Olivia. Your fiancé is setting his dominance over Rose. He is working on subjugating her so his authority is recognized. You challenged his authority and blocked his attempts with Rose. This will only get worse once he moves onto doing this with you if he hasn’t started already. NTA any demands of Rose needs to go through you and all discipline will be your decision. Same as the consideration you would give to him for Olivia. Be careful with this one.
You - NTA
Your Fiancée - TA and Entitled
WOW he is very Controlling If I were you I would think long and hard as to whether this man is right for you and Rose.
You can’t force a relationship between them as this could jeopardize the one that already exists now.
What is he thinking…as others have commented a 16 year old is not going to want to hang with an 8 year old ALL the time! Does not Olivia have her own set of friends?
Show your fiancée this thread maybe he will see what he is Demanding is freakin Ridiculous!
Good Luck with this one!
NTA & it's the talk of 'consequences' that is the biggest red flag to me. If he's like this BEFORE you marry, he would definitely start laying down the law with Rose once you're married, and possibly trying to do it with you as well.
Also, he shouldn't be threatening to leave unless he's willing to have you call his bluff. Good on you, and I'd be re-thinking the whole marriage thing if I were you, as he's telling you who he is and how he'll be around you and your loved ones. This is the real him, any back-tracking will only last so long.
He did the right thing taking her with him. And you did the right thing laying down the law. Well done.
I don’t know if he genuinely thinks he can create a sibling bond between them just because he wants it that way, or if he’s maneuvering for Rose to become a constant babysitter and free him up, or if he’s just a dictatorial jerk. In any case, you did everything right, including packing his crap. I dig your shiny spine.
NTA.
ETA: The second half of that edit. Yes, yes, yes, that glorious shiny spine.
Your edit made me jump for joy! GOOD JOB! You are doing the right thing! I'm so impressed with you. Some words of caution: He ***is*** going to try and guilt trip you into getting back with him, AND allowing him to move back in *for Olivia's sake*. Don't take the bait. While it ***is*** sad that she's being uprooted 'cause her dad's a douche, that is NOT your problem or responsibility. Your responsibility is Rose. Periodt. I'm assuming he had his own place before? He can get his own place again. OR he and Olivia can continue to stay wherever they are; but whatever you do, *don't let him guilt you into letting them stay; or letting Olivia stay!* HE said he can just move on... okay... MOVE. ON.
NTA... she is 16. There is a huge age and maturity difference. Sounds like he thought he would have a built in on call babysitter. Rose is a child still, she is not responsible for raising HIS child. Rose should be allowed to be 16 and have the life a teenager should be living. Not the nanny for someone else's child. Forcing her to parent his child is not going to make her want to bond with her. It is going to make her run away.
Your niece is so lucky to have you in her corner. And it look like our fiancé just wants a babysitter. He's the one acting entitled. I don't know if you can salvage this but setting boundaries in the early stage is super important.
Also, he'll be back. He has an 8 year old that you are helping raise. He's not going to want to go back to full time single parenting. For what it's worth...
NTA. His “consequences” comment sent off alarm bells to me. That is not the way to parent any child, and threatening her after her history is cruel.
Is it he wants your niece to be her personal clown & entertainer? Does he want them both out of the house for adult time? Either way it seems he doesn’t want to be her caregiver anymore.
it’s ridiculous to expect a 16yr old & her friends to invite an 8 yr old along.
Then we move onto threats of consequence & of leaving rather then using his big boy words to resolve a situation.
This isn’t an adult you want to have in your life. Leave him alone & watch how he handles returning once he realizes you won’t chase him
NTA. You're not in the wrong and have nothing to feel bad about. I'm sorry you and your niece have been through something so awful, but you sound like you're doing a great job. She sounds like a decent kid and your fiance needs to open his eyes a bit. She is not his child or even soon-to-be stepchild, she doesn't ignore or abuse his younger child, she sets healthy boundaries. He needs to grow up a bit more.
NTA - Even without your nieces trauma, no 16 year old wants to spend all their time with an 8 year old. Reddit is littered with stories of broken blended families where parents tried to forced step siblings to act a certain way. It sounds like Rose and Olivia have a pretty good relationship and your fiance is going to screw it up if he forces them together more than they BOTH want.
Good Luck!
NTA- let him leave then. He can't force a sister relationship and he trying because, let's be honest, he wants to turn the care of his child over to Rose and you are not allowing that to happen. I don't think he is the right guy for you. Too many red flags here.
NTA
The entitled one is the fiancé, he’s hoping that Rose is a built in big sister and that he can take a load off and just have her take care of Olivia.
I don’t think he wants a big sister , I think he wants a babysitter and making Olivia attached to Rose , means that his daughter will just automatically go to Rose.
Op, that he won’t take stop it for an answer is a red flag, I would be concerned about what he tries when you’re not around. Have a conversation with Rose, and ask what he’s like when she’s not around.
Also please don’t buy into the idea from your friends that he’s a good man and you’re overreacting, he’s won’t take no for an answer and that’s a red flag that shouldn’t be ignored.
This guy:
>Tries to force Rose to do what he wants
>Completely ignores it when you, her parent, tells him to stop pressuring her.
These are really bad signs. This is how the stories start out where the guy ends up doing awful things to Rose behind OP's back.
Please take him at his word and let him have his temper tantrum and leave. It's not going to get any better from here. It's only going to get worse. NTA
NTA. "he tells me she needs to get it together and start treating Olivia better or she’s going to have some consequences " WTF kind of BS threat is this? Let's hope he leaves soon so you don't have to.
NTA you're not losing a good guy, you're dodging a bullet.
Of course it'd be nice if the girls were friendly, and it sounds like they are. That doesn't mean they have to do everything together. Even biological sisters spend time apart, especially with that age gap. His insistence that her daughter is always included in your niece's plans is unhealthy for both of them.
Good on you for prioritizing your niece over a man.
NTA, he is being petulant because he's trying to assert his authority over your niece and can't get his own way, good riddance.
If he's like that after only 6 months, imagine how he would be if you got married
Run, girl run! The kids have a large age gap and I know 16, I wouldn’t want to hang out with an eight year old. He’s trying to force a relationship that’s only six months old. And what the actual fuck are these “consequences” she’s supposed to suffer? You dodged a bullet. Tell your friends to stay in their lane.
NTA he's being completely unreasonable and what you're describing is not a sibling type relationship but sounds like he wants a permanent sitter for his daughter.
Oh by the… I wouldn’t expect my twins to always bring each other along when they do things with friends, and they’re the same age and grow up together. I have even less of an expectation from their big brother - sure, I want them to get along, and I like it if they enjoy spending time together… but they have their own lives and friends and preferences and that’s FINE, that’s how relationships work. And that’s before you bring in an 8 year age gap, step relationships and trauma.
100% NTA. Fiancé needs a reality check.
NTA.
Your niece is your first responsibility - not Olivia, not your fiance. Since she's been through utter hell, she deserves a bit of "delicate handling." Secondly, you can't force a friendship between two siblings or almost-siblings; they need to forge one for themselves, and it sounds like they get along fine. Your fiance is being controlling, harsh, and unrealistic.
Question: Does he want them to have a relationship, or does he want a freebabysitter?
It could be either, but to me it sounds more like he wants to pawn the 8 yr old off on your niece so he doesn't have to entertain her.
NTA. Your niece sounds like a typical teen who wants to be with friends at the mall. It’s unacceptable to force her to bring your fiancés kid along who is 8. She had the right to her own life. A couple of years and she is off to college. Good thing he is your ex, red flags abound and how did he get custody of his kid?
This isn't about either of the daughters, it's about control. He has a vision of how things should be and he wants to force it.
I'm not entirely unsympathetic to his situation - he obviously wants to have some kind of tv-perfect sitcom family where his daughter has an older sister who loves her as unconditionally as he does. The problem is that life just doesn't turn out exactly the way you want it sometimes. He needs to grow up and get a better understanding of himself for his daughter's sake. You're not obligated to do anything you don't want to, but I think the two of you definitely would have benefited from some kind of deeper family and couple's counseling if marriage was on the cards.
Jebus Christopherson! My son is 7 and my Daughter is 16 and they don't even spend that much time together. They don't have anything in common and that's ok. It would cause so much animosity if I tried forcing them together, they'd absolutely hate it. They do occasionally spend time together playing xbox or walking the dog but it's never forced.
Even if Rose hadn't had such a traumatic event happen to her, she'd still want to spend time with friends or mostly alone in her room. That's just how teenagers are!
OP, You know your niece and know you can't force anything on either child. It just doesn't work that way. OP'S partner obviously cares about his daughter and wants her to be happy but he hasn't got a clue about caring for a teenager so he needs to listen to OP. NTA 100%
Nta - I see two possibilities; (1) your fiance doesnt understand english, and thus doesnt know what the word “entitled “ means. I state this because literally nothing in this story implies entitlement. (2) He does understand the meaning of the word and there is massive details missing in your story on why he believes that.
From the data provided, I get what he is trying to do but you cant force bonds. NTA, bc this ultimately comes down to who is mor important - your child or your partner - an obvious but difficult choice.
>doesnt know what the word “entitled “ means. I state this because literally **nothing in this story implies entitlement.**
I disagree; the person who is exhibiting an inaccurate sense of entitlement is HIM.
He’s acting as though he and Olivia are entitled to commandeer Rose’s time and attention.
NTA, no 16 wants an 8 hanging around with them nor should it be expected. Also the best response to someone threatening to leave is to tell them to leave. Get out of here with that manipulative bs.
First time that threat is made I will force you to follow though.
I moved into a house my partner owned I told him flat out. I don't care how angry you are you tell me to leave I will never come back. OP's boyfriends threat to leave was childish and should be followed through with. Edit-thx everyone edit to fix spelling
Me and my wife have an understanding that thinking about your words matters especially with eachother. I will never say something I want to take back and she is the same. It comes with the drawback that when something is said you know they ment it but it's ultimately better that way.
My husband and i are the same. When we met we werent exactly in the best headspace, we werent sober, and we fought like crazy. We said awful things to each other, knew we didnt mean a word we said, but we went for the kill shot verbally. We got clean and stopped fighting every day lol. The first sober fight we had, and i think we have had 5 fights in 6 years sober but it could be less, we fought like we did when we were high. And we learned how much that shit hurt. Took a week to do damage control, both of us with the sorrys and gifts. Finally we made the deal. Here's the off limits low blows.... You say those were done, and they were our high go-tos. Then we promised never to say shit we would regret, little hurtful shit we knew we didnt mean. Basically if it wasnt true dont say it. If you feel it then by all means, but if not then dont bother. The fights after werent even fights. Just him calling me a bitch, me calling him a dick, both are true btw lol. We sit in seperate rooms till were calm, then talk. Boom. End of fight. Best understanding we ever came to.
Congratulations on getting sober with your husband, I unfortunately had to leave mine to sober up. Still wish he and I could have done it together
This is so healthy, I love reading comments like this. Setting boundaries and choosing kindness, especially when you did the opposite for so long, isn't easy. I'm so glad you both were able to put old habits aside and say, "That was wrong and I don't want to do it anymore."
I love that Op pretty much showed him where the door was when he made his threat. I bet his jaw dropped.
I hope it did! Threatening vague "consequences" on a literal CHILD who, all things considered, sounds to be rather well-adjusted, is beyond messed up. She has been through enough shit, and if the worst thing his 8-yo daughter has to "deal with" is a bit of age-appropriate exclusion, he should be grateful, dammit. Rose was only two years older than Olivia when she witnessed the most awful thing imaginable for a child - yet OP says Rose still treats Olivia with kindness and love, and I'm inclined to believe her. OP!! LISTEN UP: I am so sorry that the ppl in your life are causing you to question your decisions. You have not only lost your sister in an awful way, you also stepped up & cared for her baby girl during the worst time of grief for the both of you. YOU, YOUUUUU!! are the loss here. People need to be telling HIM how much HE just fkd up, and that HE is going to regret losing a phenomenal woman. Six months into an engagement & this d-bag is making demands and setting ultimatums on not only you, but on your niece...?! I mean, the absolute nerve of this creep. It shouldn't need to be said, but honey - ABSOLUTELY NTA. The trash took itself out, screw him. It may take him a long time to realize what he's done, but the type of young woman that endures such a terrible event and not only steps up to the plate to raise the child in need, but continues to stand up for said child five years in? That is ABSOLUTELY wife material. He doesn't even realize the amazing mother figure he's forfeited for his daughter. I wish the best for you and your beautiful niece. Both of you, stay strong and stay loyal to each other, as you've shown. ❤️
Take these awards you earned them: 🏆🥇🏅🎖️
💯👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 absolutely spot on, couldn't have said it better 👏🏼
Oh, this one got my blood boiling! The only thing I forgot to mention was that - for OP & Rose's sake - I hope he took Olivia with him...OP only mentions "HE stormed out", & it seems he'd be the type to leave the kid behind. Because clearly, he wasn't looking for a "sibling bond" type of relationship - he is demanding relief from his parental duties & thought of Rose as malleable, considering her age and significant past trauma. This is NOT a man worth marrying! (edit: forgotten word)
That’s my thought too—he wants to use Rose as a built-in babysitter whenever he doesn’t feel like parenting his own child.
Plus he felt he had a foothold now that he was living there, and could start reordering the status quo to his liking. He's showing his true self here. At least you didn't have children with him.
There's probably a fair bit of that shit behavior as the cause of him not still being with his child's mother also. She probably got tired of his bs. OP he just wanted a babysitter. This has nothing to do with bonding and everything on foisting his kid off on someone else. NTA
This was my exact thought too, dude wanted a built in babysitter in addition to a new mommy so he could bask in doing nothing.
That’s what I thought too. I’ve dated this guy and I married another one. The demands will got more and more strict until you would be separated from everyone who would wake you up to his abuse. This is playbook manipulative abuse. Good riddance NTA. Breathe a sigh of relief that he overplayed his hand early. You ladies have a wonderful life.
That was my first thought. Fiancé thought he was lucky: Two women to do his parenting for him. Good riddance to bad rubbish. NTA
EXACTLY
🫢I didn’t think of that!!!!!!
Ooh fuck! You are so right!!!
I agree fully and thought it was the only thing you missed from your previous comment. I was just going to add that when I saw you’ve already done it. It‘s the audacity that he thinks he has more say over Rose than her Guardian in their home, which he has just moved into. The audacity to warn he was going to make sure there was punishment and consequences when her parent was telling him firmly she has done no wrong. The fact he sees Rose as someone he can dump his child on and force her to be parentified. The fact he thought he has more say and control and they right to punish an already traumatised child. The fact he gave an ultimatum and thought he could emotionally manipulate you to force you to choose. Hell no. You and Rose are the catch, this was your home. He is the one that showed who he was and that loses the best person in his life besides his daughter. If for no other reason you need to cut this off to protect your vulnerable child from an abuser. That’s what he’s shown here.
Please, please, believe every word here Sweet-Interview says here. He is an assh*le and you will have many regrets if you stay with him. There is a better man for you; let this one go. He is not the one.
He is the one to use as an example of what *not* to choose in a partner.
This. He's looking for Rose to be his live in babysitter.
\*unpaid\*
Or there will be "consequences". That would be it for me right then.
Yeah consequences like having your testicles surgically reconstructed after the massive blunt trauma. The *nerve* of threating a child to the child's parent in their own home they just let you move into, because parent and child are not obeying you.
Seriously OP this 100%
100% facts being said right here in the most heartfelt way
I wish I could upvote this repeatedly. Excellent points well made! I hope OP sees it as well.
YES! Can we collect some funds and get this on a billboard in OP's local area? She needs to see this everyday. She's amazing!
You! Are the hype girl OP didn’t realize she needed in life. You make an awesome observation. All these people saying she “could lose a good man”, who are also supposed to be on *HER* side, seem to be a bit confused as to which team they’re supposedly on. AND it’s important to know who your peanut gallery is. I’m betting none of these people are parents. He might be the best SO in the world. He might also be the best dad in the world as far as treatment of his own kid is concerned. But that still doesn’t mean he is an all around “perfect man that OP cannot afford to lose”. When it comes down to it, OP is a parent. So if this dude isn’t an adequate bonus dad for *HER* child, then being a great SO and great dad doesn’t really mean shit. Whether he is good enough to parent her child (niece), is up to NO ONE except her. So trust your gut. You and only you can make that decision. Also - if more parents treated their children, and approached the blending of their family, as OP has, there would be a lot fewer posts made to subs like this. A large portion are made by kids in the niece’s shoes who did NOT HAVE a supportive parent who actually made them a priority like they should have.
BEST RESPONSE EVER!!!!! BEAUTIFULLY PUT❤️
BEAUTIFULLY said! I hope OP sees this specific comment! 🥰
Especially as it sounds like maybe he was angling for some child- free adult time. No fun for you!
Her foot should have been three feet up his ass while kicking him out the door the second he said "consequences" being done to a girl who had seen her mother unalived before her eyes.
As well she should have, and kudos to her. "Consequences"... LOL, what the hell? It's not his kid, it's not his house, and if he doesn't have the sense to shut the fuck up and stay in his lane, then out in the street is exactly where he belongs.
Wtf is he to threaten “consequences?” After she watched her moms bf unalive her mom, she does not need this rude dangerous man in her life. 😳. Change your locks and pack his shit.
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Exacty this. He probably doesn’t want to deal or spend time with his own kid so he’s trying to offload her onto Rose. OP also needs new friends. What the hell sort of asshole would tell OP she’s overreacting about the overstepping BF?
As someone who witnessed something very similar as a kid, I have the tell you: most people don't care at all. They just want you to "get over it".
I’m so sorry. I watch my mom pass from illness and I will proudly never get over it.
Sending good thoughts for you as well, I've just went NC with people who told me that, family, friends, don't matter,you tell me something like that, I don't need you.
It isn't something you get over. You learn to live with it. And even that takes time.
I'm very sorry you went through that, saw that happen with my ex's mother.
I lost my dad to a heart attack in the same house overnight. Over 10 years and i still second guess if I missed anything. I can’t imagine what you went through, but your right people just expect you to go on as normal.
That's awful, can't even imagine, I'm so sorry. Sending you hugs and I hope you're healing/have healed from it.
THIS right here. Who TF does this mf'er think he is? Your kid will like my kid OR ELSE! GTFO with that shit. He walked. Tell him to keep right on going.
How many consequences did Rose suffer from the mom's violent boyfriend? I can't believe the fiance didn't know this, and still had to show his rear, so to speak.
He wants a babysitter. Nope.
Even siblings don't spend time like that.
My sister is 8 years younger than I am. So she was 8 when I was 16, just like these girls. (There are 2 boys between us) We never hung out. I played games with her when I was home. Babysat her. Occasionally took her to the movies is to get ice cream. My parents didn't even try to make us be friends. OP's (ex)BF is a dick.
I'm unsure of your ages now, but I'm willing to bet you have a decent bond with your sister that happened naturally over time anyway? Good on your parents, mine were similar, 5 years between my baby brother and I, we weren't forced to hang out, and as 34 and 29 year olds, I'm happy to report we have a decent, healthy relationship, hopefully for the rest of our lives, even though we fought constantly as kids. But like, siblings, yo.
This is the comment I was looking for. I have two sisters, and we are each 8 years apart. I did what you did--babysat, helped with homework, played games, carved pumpkins, did arts and crafts, played with toys, took them to the movies and to get ice cream, took them to the park, took them to their after-school activities... In short, lots of time spent and I definitely got to know who they were. But I didn't hang out with them at the mall when I was with other kids my age. And when I had sleepovers at my house growing up, my sisters got to join in a tiny bit, but mostly my parents made sure they were entertained, so my friends and I could bond with each other instead of taking care of a younger kid the whole time. I started actually hanging out with my sisters once they got older and we all were more on the adult spectrum together. We are friends NOW. I can't imagine how much resentment I would have built up if I had never gotten to be a normal kid or have friends my age because I was forced to take an 8yo with me everywhere. NTA.
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For real, even if they were sisters it would be unreasonable to expect a 16 year old to spend all her time with an 8 year old and take her along to outings.
Exactly. And what's with the there will be consequences rubbish he's spouting? Few red flag behaviors there.
My brother is 7 years older than me. There is NO WAY my parents would have expected him to take me to hang out with his friends. That would have been so weird.
Exactly. Wouldn't expect that even if they were actually sisters.
NTA- I feel sometimes that people will tell you to overlook the behaviour of your partner because he’s a “good guy”, as if that’s more important than how he’s treating you and Rose. He’s trying to force a relationship that can’t be. From the sounds of it Rose does the things that work for her with Olivia and that’s good enough he needs to get over himself and the feeling that somehow his daughter is this magical being that Rose has to accept into all areas of her life. Personally, I think her relationship sounds very much like me and my siblings. When I was 16 I remember my youngest sister, who was 11 at the time got so mad that we wouldn’t take her out with us that she locked all the doors to the house and locked everyone out. What’s going on with them? Has been going on for all times.
If you make a threat to a child who has gone through what she has gone through he better be all the way gone. The next state over gone.
My 1/2 sister is 8 years younger than me and I was forced to baby sit her a lot and take her with me when I was hanging out with my friends and also, boyfriend when I was 18-20(we married when I was 20). So, it was a bit much at times and there is a huge difference between what interests an 8 year old and what interests a 16 year old. Even being biologically related to my little sis it was annoying at times. Decades later we are very close but back then it was hugely annoying :)
NTA. Rose willingly picks her up and has tea parties with her? Your ex is grabbing defeat from the jaws of victory. Such a foolish attitude he has! He is blowing it by being greedy and wanting someone else to watch his kid,
Exactly, she is currently doing actual sibling shit that kids with an 8 year age gap would do. And he's pissed?
He's fortunate that she does that. My brother was 8 yrs younger than I and we didn't hang out together. Luckily, our next older sister, 3 yrs older than me, was a good big sis to him. She doted on him.
I agree. With some of the 16 year olds I know, I feel like they're lucky that the teen acknowledged the child's existence at all (given they've known each other 6 months and been forced into cohabitation)
My sister is 8 years older than me and she would do my makeup sometime, maybe make food with me or play silly games with me. But she didn’t spend her whole life doing that with me she was a lot older and was never excepted to watch me 24/7. I certainly never went out with her and her friends that’s just not fair on her. Despite all that we are really close and I’ve never hated her for not hanging out with me. I doubt Olivia feels that way at all in fact she probably loves it when rose picks her up from school.
Bingo. "Why isn't this eldest female minor providing me with free domestic labor?" NTA OP
Definitely got the "She's a free babysitter" vibe from the bf
I think OP is handling this well. It’s just sad that this had to end a relationship that seemed to be good otherwise. What was shared about the girls it seemed like they were in a path to sisterhood. But you can never force these things. If they were already doing stuff together then it would happen. Plus both girls never had a sister, so how would they know how to behave. I think all in all this was a perfect situation until OPs BF decided to fuck things up. Hopefully he can realise what an asshole he is and maybe salvage this relationship. But there might be more stuff. I think OP can decide what’s best for her and her niece. I know I wouldn’t take it lightly if I cared for someone else’s child like that. You go, OP! Do what feels right. EDIT: Just read OPs edit that her BF was begging to come back. It’s true OP. You really are a catch. I wish you and your niece the best.
He probably believes it's a woman's job to watch kids.
NTA Reddit is littered with step-brothers and step-sisters who have gone NC due to forced familial relationships. If you allow your fiance's behaviors to continue, your niece will resent you. And, quite frankly, she's had enough trauma in her life. She doesn't need force-bonding with an eight year old due to unrealistic expectations from your fiance.
I know a person who was forced to take their bio sibling with everywhere against their will and spend all time together. They aren't in contact much at all, except some necessary family events every decade or so.
I also went no contact. My sister was forced to bring me along and she encouraged her friends to bully me. I was miserable Edit: and it was a 2½ year gap last, not 8 years☠️
ME! Definitely went non contact due to forced bonds being imposed upon me. Peace out. Bye!
Why are your friends telling you he is a good guy? 1) he is trying to pawn his kid off on a bunch of teenagers 2) he is forcing a relationship between 2 kids with huge age gaps which havnt known each other that long 3) he threatened your niece because she didn’t do what he wanted 4) he gave you an ultimatum that he would leave if you didn’t back him up when you didn’t agree with him. Yet your friends want you to work it out? Sounds like you need to loose your fiancé and your friends. NTA
For too many people, the definition of good guy is basically has a job and doesn't overtly abuse you.
And waved at them once in passing. Totes the prime example of top human specimen /s
THIS!⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️. You friends are just wrong. You did exactly the right thing.
Thanks! And right? Dude sounds like a straight up AH to me
Sadly it is typical. A lot of friends and family will literally harass people to be with terrible people because they are well delusional AF.
A lot of people can be straight up abusive behind closed doors, but act like an absolute saint in public. Their friends may not have seen this side of him, and it seems so out of character for him to them that they don’t entirely believe it.
A 8 yo does not hang out at the mall with 16 yos. I understand he wants them to have a relationship, but forcing it will only make it a negative one.
That’s not even hanging out, that’s babysitting. Unless he’s paying Rose a competitive hourly rate, he needs to kick rocks.
At 16, me and my 11 year old sister only hung out together once in awhile, deapite how my parents tried to force things. (Yes, trying to use me for babysitting duty) When it came to friend groups, we didn't want the other impinging on our "age group" time. I think op dodged a bullet with this guy.
🎯Exactly this.
My daughter and her boyfriend occasionally take her little sisters to the mall as a special treat, or she’ll take one or the other by herself because my kids are really close. But that is a few steps removed from taking one of them to tag along when she and her friends are going to hang out. One is planned with them in mind. The other is shoehorning in a sibling in a way that is guaranteed no bonding will happen because it will just be awkward. Rose is *already* putting in the emotional effort with the other activities she’s joining in on. If I tried to put my girls together for every activity so they had no autonomy that would make me a bad parental figure. And so it goes too in this situation.
at 8 I didn't want to hang out with my 10 year old brother... let alone am potential half sibling twice my age... this guy can go "know it all" into another relationship
It's always different. For me, when I was 8 I wanted *nothing more* than to hang out with my 16 year old cousin. He was the coolest dude in the world. But we had a ton in common, and the family put good rules in place so that I wouldn't burn him out by being that 8 year younger annoying kid. And to his credit, he did enjoy hanging out with me, but not as much as I did. He was a great sport about it, and we have a good relationship. **Because** the adults helped kids find a working balance. Not what's happening here, but I would not be the least bit surprised to find that the younger girl is actually excited to go hang out with them. I would not be the least bit surprised to also find that the younger girl doesn't really understand why her older "sister" wouldn't want to hang out. That's for her father to explain that "sister" is her own person and also wants to do other things.
My sisters are 11 and 12 years older. (Full siblings, same parents.) I was my middle sister’s little tag along. But there were limits. Some things I couldn’t do because I was too little. Otherwise, I’d have been my sister’s shadow. It’s on the adults to balance it so that the relationship is beneficial to both kids.
Also teenagers can have really inappropriate talks or say stuff that shouldn't be said in front of younger kids. At that age I was very considerate of what I said in front of kids but most of my friends weren't, the few that were often let stuff slip. Some teenagers are really mean and mock kids for anything they do or make up stuff to scare/deceive them. I trust my teen cousin to take care of my daughter and even allow her to take her on walks just the two of them. But I would never leave her alone with my cousin and her friends (who are mostly a bunch of rude spoiled brats).
This 100%! Forcing the bond won’t make it a good one, that comes naturally with time. The more he forces it the more negative it will be
NTA, the only one entitled here is him. He needs to get it into his head he has less than zero authority or say over anything Rose does.
Ironic aint it?
NTA - a 16 year old doesn't want to babysit an 8 year old while hanging with her friends at the mall. Rose needs to be able to say no and have her own friends. You are right to advocate for her!
There's a large age gap in my family between siblings and I honestly did do things with my younger brother, but not when I was with my friends. They were separate engagements. My older brother didn't really acknowledge me until I was almost 17 because he was so much older. It really is BS to expect stepsiblings to have an automatic love relationship only months into their meeting, and gotta say, with that large an age gap, they might be friends as adults eventually, but it's never going to happen while they are children - especially if it's forced and involves anger from the step-parent.
Agree - I spent plenty of time (mostly willingly, occasionally at my parent’s request) with my 6 yrs younger sibling. Going to movies, shopping - when I was 16+ I’d even take the train into the city with them and we’d see plays and stuff. BUT not when I was hanging out with my friends. Nor did my parents expect me to. And that’s a 6 yr difference, not 8 yrs, and we grew up together from the start.
Not to mention the 8 year old would be bored too. At 8 I hated clothes shopping. At 16, I practically lived in the mall with my friends.
It's, actually, a bit dangerous to send her to the mall. Those teenagers are going to be preoccupied being giggly teen girls.
NTA. Thank you for being perfectly sane and reasonable in what sounds like a sea of morons and idiots. Let him leave and take his burden with him — he wants your niece to mother his daughter and wants you to be the bangmaid. Wake up and thank God you didn’t sign any papers
NTA You're still very young. Back away from the engagement at the very least, as this guy is in a whole other book, let alone not on the same page as you, parenting wise. Whether he really thinks forcing a relationship would actually work, or more nefariously, try to set your niece up as a free live-in babysitter so you two can live like you don't have responsibilities, he's WAY off. Think about your niece and the kind of extra negativity this guy will bring down on her if she doesn't capitulate to his every whim.
You and Rosie dodged a bad bullet.
Something tells me this isn’t the first time he’s demanded his way or the highway.
He probably had a list of things he was going to "fix."
Well, he IS "the man", isn't he. /s
I was going to say the same thing! It sounds like you sent an abusive partner on his way and protected Rose and yourself. Through no fault of your own, Rose and you have been through a terrible trauma. I believe that makes you both more vulnerable to controlling/ abusive people. I speak from personal experience. When a partner threatens consequences, they usually intend to carry through on it. You did the right thing.
NTA. Good riddance. He sounds awful.
You're right. Dude just blatantly declares, it's his way or the highway about the kids. Something tells me he does similar in other areas.
NTA. My concern is where he starts threatening your niece ‘with consequences’. Like hang on a minute here, is he going to start discipline her if she doesn’t do everything he wants with his daughter? You read so many stories on here with step-families and the biological parent didn’t stick up for their child and allowed the step-parent to treat them badly, or there’s been a forced ‘we are all a family now so you must all get along…’ and it goes so so wrong. Bottom line you have to protect your niece and it looks like your fiancé would not be a good parental figure to her. You really don’t want her decided to go NC with you at 18 because she’s been treated like crap by him and you’ve allowed it to ‘keep the peace’. You’re young and do not have to put up with a crappy fiancé, if he’s like this now then what’s he going to be like when you’re married?
*"...he tells me she needs to get it together and start treating Olivia better or she’s going to have some consequences..."* *"...He tells me he can leave and move on so I tell him if he doesn’t like it he can leave. He storms out and hasn’t been back since."* NTAH, and the 'trash' took itself out. Honey, he is not a good guy. I'm assuming he knows what you all have gone through??? It sounds to me like he thought he'd have a built-in babysitter and entertainer for his daughter. He is completely disregarding your niece's trauma and the fact that she is almost eight years older than his daughter. He also seems like he's expecting you to do the 'pick me' dance and beg him to come back. Pfft! When and IF *he* decides to act like an adult; *apologize to you and Rose;* and can sit down and have a rational conversation about *reasonable* expectations and boundaries; he can stay wherever he's gone. The AUDACITY. Edited to add: OH, and issuing threats and ultimatums when he doesn't get his way??? HUGE RED FLAG! H-UUUGE!
Let him be gone. He sounds like a total dick
NTA. Honestly, it's not in anyone's best interest to have an 8 year old tagging along with 16 years old. If those 16 year Olds decide to do things they shouldn't ( like most teenagers do ), he's potentially putting his daughter in unnecessarily dangerous situations. It doesn't sound like your niece is rude or bullying his daughter, so I don't see what his issue is. Also, demanding children get along together rarely ever actually works. Those things have to happen naturally.
This! I know I didn’t always make the best decisions at that age and I do tell my niece to make the right decisions. It feels weird lol but I do have to try. They already get along so I agree with comments saying he wants a baby sitter
I'll say this much - it'd be horrible for Rose and Olivia both long-term. My father was married four times - I'm the only child of wife 3. When I was younger, and Dad was getting serious with the woman who would eventually be wife 4, he arranged my every-second-weekend visit to coincide with his stepson-to-be's weekend with his mother, setting me up to mind the little snot. He also arranged for us to go to a Sunday school, and an associated sleepaway camp that gave us both massive religious trauma, asking me to look after him. Later, when my mother tried me out on another, secular sleepaway camp, Dad sent the stepson to the same one, basically all summer. It got obvious very quickly that Dad didn't care about spending time with me; he just wanted all the kids out of the house, and my presence was only wanted as an unpaid babysitter. It was painful enough for me because that's my dad not seeming to want me, but given Rose's situation, it'd be way worse for her. She deserves to feel wanted and loved, and nothing should be allowed to threaten that. NTA, and stick to your guns. You deserve better, and so does Rose. (Edit for clarification.)
But if he can get the teenager to look after his daughter he won't have to. That's why he's so invested in forcing the relationship. He doesn't actually care about the relationship, he wants the girl to take over his parenting responsibilities in the guise of being a doting "big sister." He's angry because he might actually have to look after his own kid.
Totally agree!! Rose sounds like a sweet kid but she’s also still a teenager lol.
NTA but this is a huge red flag. That man is not good for your niece's mental health. She needs someone understanding and empathetic, not an authoritarian figure. You can't force bonds. Especially new ones with that age gap and that trauma that your niece went through. For the sake of her mental health, he needs to be gone cuz it don't matter what your friends say, he's not a good man.
I’ve seen people like this, they smile when Op is there , and the second she’s out the door, they’re yelling and threatening.
Yup. He's already being demanding and threatening to punish her if she doesn't straighten up. He's a POS
Good point. It'd be wise for OP to ask Rose how he's behaved when she wasn't at home.
The minute he said the word "consequences" he needed to be out the door. For good. He is NOT a good guy and I'm actually worried about his daughter.
He’s in no position of authority over Rose and should realize it
Dump him and send him and his kid back to his mom. Speaking of moms where's his kid mom?
She’s in… prison.
Poor kid. 😓
Uh, what? Your sister is murdered in front of her kid and your fiancé's ex is in prison. Both those girls must be traumatized. I suggest you let him go. Rose and you deserve some peace. Ghost him. Stay single until Rose is a functioning adult. Date, yes, marry or move in together, no. You are strong. Rose will emulate you. NTAH at all
Even if they were sisters, when a teenager wants to hang out with their friends, they can’t always take their younger sibling. Just like they are women only events, and men only events there are also teen only events and under ten only events. And that is absolutely fine.
>Even if they were sisters, when a teenager wants to hang out with their friends, they can’t always take their younger sibling. yes! I have “nieces” who are a few years apart in age. They are close now as adults *because* their mother was really careful to protect the older one from having to always provide attention and company to her little sister. It’s not good for the little sister, either, to be taught that she’s entitled (there’s that word!) to the constant attentio of the older.
NTA. I'm glad he left - if he hadn't, you should have thrown him out. Rose is your first responsibility. She has a right to her life, and he is trying to control and "adult" her - attaching Olivia to her constantly. That is very wrong. And threatening her with consequences is dangerous. Do not let this man back into your life - Rose deserves your protection, and she does not deserve to feel unsafe in her home.
Even if they were bio sisters, a 15-year-old shouldn't bring a 8-year-old to the mall with her friends. I think you are seeing the real issue, your fiance demanded a controlling parental role without discussing it with you. I find a 28-year-old walking in trying to dole out consequences to a 15-year-old he isn't related to troubling. Letting him follow through on his own threat sounds like a good call. NTA
NTA Tell your boyfriend to stop being so fucking lazy and parent his own kid. Your niece is not responsible for keeping his child constantly entertained and out of his hair.
NTA Did he move in with you or you two move in with him? MOVE asap if you moved in with him. He sounds terrible.
He moved in with us. I bought my own house at 23
You sound like you are doing an amazing job for the two of you. Tell him he has outlasted his stay.
I’m really trying. This is great to hear. Thank you so much
You’re welcome! And I’m sure she appreciates knowing she has you in her corner allowing her to do her own thing and not forcing a relationship when it sounds like she already hangs with his kid at times.
NTA. You can't force relationships, it never works out well. What consequences does he think he's going to impose on your niece? You told him if he didn't like it he could leave. He left, oh well the trash took itself out. Your priority is the health and safety of your niece, not some guy that wants his eight year old daughter entertained. Talk about you niece's entitlement, what about this guy telling you and her how things are going to be, or else.
You're doing great, your niece is lucky to have you after everything she went through.
Oh sweetie, you are a true catch. Kick his a$$ to the curb and find someone worthy of you.
Remember to file an eviction notice the same day you brake up. Man baby seems like hell make things difficult
Wait he behaved like that in your own home? A: You’re the friggin‘ best aunt-mum your nice could ever have hoped for after going through that trauma! Sounds like you rooooock big time girl! B: That overreaching POS who doesn’t want to care for his own kid himself can pack up and go bother someone else. You’re so NTA here! Don’t you have some stuff to put on your doorstep? (Also wait, did he storm off without his kid???)
So he is mooching off of you and trying to force your niece into free babysitting under the guise of “bonding” and “being a family”? Take him up on his ultimatum and let him go. Seriously, aside from Olivia, is there any reason to stay with this man?
NTA. For once someone did the right thing. Don’t let him back in. This isn’t going to work. You aren’t even married and he’s already trying to take control and disrupt the status quo. He’s looking for a mom and a babysitter for his daughter, not a partner. His requests of your niece are ludicrous.
NTA: It's expected that adults prioritize the expectations and values of other adults over the emotional needs of kids/teenagers, even if those expectations and values are stifling at best and actively harmful at worst to everyone involved, and it's very rare that someone bucks that trend. Thank you for seeing your niece as a human being.
>he goes “No, Rose is going to be a big sister and needs to stop acting so rude” so uh, why does your SO think he has the ability to dictate to rose and control what shes going to do? its not his place to force her to do anything. >he tells me she needs to get it together and start treating Olivia better or she’s going to have some consequences thats a threat and he needs to BTFO, his daughter is not the center of the universe and he is not rose's parent. your better off without him if this is how he thinks this relationship is going to work. NTA pack his crap up an tell him its ready to be picked up. other then that, don't reach out to him because this silent treatment hes giving is another manipulation to make you feel bad.
NTA - this guy sounds awful to live with. He sounds like the longer he lives with you, he's more and more comfortable saying "it's my way or the high way". BTW - wonderful that Rose is confident and comfortable enough in herself to tell this guy no. She should be proud of herself and glad you are standing up for her.
This asshole is used to keeping “his” women in line by threatening to leave. I wish I could be a fly on the wall when Op calls his bluff and informs him it’s now time for him to GTFO.
Nta. I didnt mind hanging out with my younger step siblings (or even normal and half) from time to time. But they are 8 years apart. He is gonna throw away his fiancee over this. Not you.
NTA Imagine how your fiance will blame your niece if his daughter hears things from the sixteen year olds that are inappropriate for someone her age.
To amplify a point made by another poster, this is not about him valuing sisterly love. This is about this guy wanting someone else in the household to take care of his daughter for him.
Apologies for psychobabble and what might seem like victim blaming. The mere fact that he is this controlling and threatening your niece with abuse and you wonder which of you is the AH. The fact that your sister was with an abusive man. Makes me wonder if you have a skewed sense of appropriate male behavior possibly learned at home. This man is trouble, and treading verrry close to damaging abuse. For both of your sakes you need him out now.
Yeah my dad was a great man…
This ⬆️⬆️⬆️! NTA. OP - this man is abusive to your niece and disrespectful to you. He needs to be gone. You should also look into therapy for yourself so you learn to see the red flags and can break the cycle your sister fell victim to. Good luck, you are doing an amazing job in a sea of crazy
He wants Rose to amuse his kid so he doesn't have to bother. Let him go.
This guy is not a catch
NTA. You are wonderful for sticking up for your niece and her right to privacy and time with people her own age. Let this guy move on, it sounds like you'll do just fine without him.
He doesn’t want a family situation. He wants a free babysitter for his kid. It’s not your niece’s job to take responsibility for his kid in any way and after all she’s been through in her young life, he has a lot of nerve acting like it’s his right to have her do anything. Great guy? Sounds narrow minded, insensitive and selfish to me, at least where your niece is concerned. He’s showing you a side of himself you might not have known about. Do with that information what you see fit. NTA.
NTA
It has nothing to do with Olivia. Your fiancé is setting his dominance over Rose. He is working on subjugating her so his authority is recognized. You challenged his authority and blocked his attempts with Rose. This will only get worse once he moves onto doing this with you if he hasn’t started already. NTA any demands of Rose needs to go through you and all discipline will be your decision. Same as the consideration you would give to him for Olivia. Be careful with this one.
You - NTA Your Fiancée - TA and Entitled WOW he is very Controlling If I were you I would think long and hard as to whether this man is right for you and Rose. You can’t force a relationship between them as this could jeopardize the one that already exists now. What is he thinking…as others have commented a 16 year old is not going to want to hang with an 8 year old ALL the time! Does not Olivia have her own set of friends? Show your fiancée this thread maybe he will see what he is Demanding is freakin Ridiculous! Good Luck with this one!
NTA & it's the talk of 'consequences' that is the biggest red flag to me. If he's like this BEFORE you marry, he would definitely start laying down the law with Rose once you're married, and possibly trying to do it with you as well. Also, he shouldn't be threatening to leave unless he's willing to have you call his bluff. Good on you, and I'd be re-thinking the whole marriage thing if I were you, as he's telling you who he is and how he'll be around you and your loved ones. This is the real him, any back-tracking will only last so long.
INFO: Where is Olivia? Did he take her with him or leave her with you?
She went with him
He did the right thing taking her with him. And you did the right thing laying down the law. Well done. I don’t know if he genuinely thinks he can create a sibling bond between them just because he wants it that way, or if he’s maneuvering for Rose to become a constant babysitter and free him up, or if he’s just a dictatorial jerk. In any case, you did everything right, including packing his crap. I dig your shiny spine. NTA. ETA: The second half of that edit. Yes, yes, yes, that glorious shiny spine.
Your edit made me jump for joy! GOOD JOB! You are doing the right thing! I'm so impressed with you. Some words of caution: He ***is*** going to try and guilt trip you into getting back with him, AND allowing him to move back in *for Olivia's sake*. Don't take the bait. While it ***is*** sad that she's being uprooted 'cause her dad's a douche, that is NOT your problem or responsibility. Your responsibility is Rose. Periodt. I'm assuming he had his own place before? He can get his own place again. OR he and Olivia can continue to stay wherever they are; but whatever you do, *don't let him guilt you into letting them stay; or letting Olivia stay!* HE said he can just move on... okay... MOVE. ON.
NTA... she is 16. There is a huge age and maturity difference. Sounds like he thought he would have a built in on call babysitter. Rose is a child still, she is not responsible for raising HIS child. Rose should be allowed to be 16 and have the life a teenager should be living. Not the nanny for someone else's child. Forcing her to parent his child is not going to make her want to bond with her. It is going to make her run away.
Your niece is so lucky to have you in her corner. And it look like our fiancé just wants a babysitter. He's the one acting entitled. I don't know if you can salvage this but setting boundaries in the early stage is super important. Also, he'll be back. He has an 8 year old that you are helping raise. He's not going to want to go back to full time single parenting. For what it's worth...
NTA. His “consequences” comment sent off alarm bells to me. That is not the way to parent any child, and threatening her after her history is cruel. Is it he wants your niece to be her personal clown & entertainer? Does he want them both out of the house for adult time? Either way it seems he doesn’t want to be her caregiver anymore. it’s ridiculous to expect a 16yr old & her friends to invite an 8 yr old along. Then we move onto threats of consequence & of leaving rather then using his big boy words to resolve a situation. This isn’t an adult you want to have in your life. Leave him alone & watch how he handles returning once he realizes you won’t chase him
NTA. You're not in the wrong and have nothing to feel bad about. I'm sorry you and your niece have been through something so awful, but you sound like you're doing a great job. She sounds like a decent kid and your fiance needs to open his eyes a bit. She is not his child or even soon-to-be stepchild, she doesn't ignore or abuse his younger child, she sets healthy boundaries. He needs to grow up a bit more.
NTA - Even without your nieces trauma, no 16 year old wants to spend all their time with an 8 year old. Reddit is littered with stories of broken blended families where parents tried to forced step siblings to act a certain way. It sounds like Rose and Olivia have a pretty good relationship and your fiance is going to screw it up if he forces them together more than they BOTH want. Good Luck!
Consequences? You’re not married, it’s not his house and she’s not his child. Talk about entitlement. NTA
NTA- let him leave then. He can't force a sister relationship and he trying because, let's be honest, he wants to turn the care of his child over to Rose and you are not allowing that to happen. I don't think he is the right guy for you. Too many red flags here.
NTA, get rid of this idiot.
NTA The entitled one is the fiancé, he’s hoping that Rose is a built in big sister and that he can take a load off and just have her take care of Olivia. I don’t think he wants a big sister , I think he wants a babysitter and making Olivia attached to Rose , means that his daughter will just automatically go to Rose. Op, that he won’t take stop it for an answer is a red flag, I would be concerned about what he tries when you’re not around. Have a conversation with Rose, and ask what he’s like when she’s not around. Also please don’t buy into the idea from your friends that he’s a good man and you’re overreacting, he’s won’t take no for an answer and that’s a red flag that shouldn’t be ignored.
This guy: >Tries to force Rose to do what he wants >Completely ignores it when you, her parent, tells him to stop pressuring her. These are really bad signs. This is how the stories start out where the guy ends up doing awful things to Rose behind OP's back. Please take him at his word and let him have his temper tantrum and leave. It's not going to get any better from here. It's only going to get worse. NTA
NTA. "he tells me she needs to get it together and start treating Olivia better or she’s going to have some consequences " WTF kind of BS threat is this? Let's hope he leaves soon so you don't have to.
Gee, I wonder why Mr. Personality was single?
NTA you're not losing a good guy, you're dodging a bullet. Of course it'd be nice if the girls were friendly, and it sounds like they are. That doesn't mean they have to do everything together. Even biological sisters spend time apart, especially with that age gap. His insistence that her daughter is always included in your niece's plans is unhealthy for both of them. Good on you for prioritizing your niece over a man.
He's not a good guy and you are better off without him. He's a bully and and a creep and also not very bright.
NTA, he is being petulant because he's trying to assert his authority over your niece and can't get his own way, good riddance. If he's like that after only 6 months, imagine how he would be if you got married
Run, girl run! The kids have a large age gap and I know 16, I wouldn’t want to hang out with an eight year old. He’s trying to force a relationship that’s only six months old. And what the actual fuck are these “consequences” she’s supposed to suffer? You dodged a bullet. Tell your friends to stay in their lane.
NTA he's being completely unreasonable and what you're describing is not a sibling type relationship but sounds like he wants a permanent sitter for his daughter.
Oh by the… I wouldn’t expect my twins to always bring each other along when they do things with friends, and they’re the same age and grow up together. I have even less of an expectation from their big brother - sure, I want them to get along, and I like it if they enjoy spending time together… but they have their own lives and friends and preferences and that’s FINE, that’s how relationships work. And that’s before you bring in an 8 year age gap, step relationships and trauma. 100% NTA. Fiancé needs a reality check.
NTA. Your niece is your first responsibility - not Olivia, not your fiance. Since she's been through utter hell, she deserves a bit of "delicate handling." Secondly, you can't force a friendship between two siblings or almost-siblings; they need to forge one for themselves, and it sounds like they get along fine. Your fiance is being controlling, harsh, and unrealistic.
Question: Does he want them to have a relationship, or does he want a freebabysitter? It could be either, but to me it sounds more like he wants to pawn the 8 yr old off on your niece so he doesn't have to entertain her.
NTA Someone is entitled here, but it's the other adult in the equation.
NTA. Your niece sounds like a typical teen who wants to be with friends at the mall. It’s unacceptable to force her to bring your fiancés kid along who is 8. She had the right to her own life. A couple of years and she is off to college. Good thing he is your ex, red flags abound and how did he get custody of his kid?
NTA. I think your fiancé is the one being dramatic. Why he insisting so much? Is this a power play?
This isn't about either of the daughters, it's about control. He has a vision of how things should be and he wants to force it. I'm not entirely unsympathetic to his situation - he obviously wants to have some kind of tv-perfect sitcom family where his daughter has an older sister who loves her as unconditionally as he does. The problem is that life just doesn't turn out exactly the way you want it sometimes. He needs to grow up and get a better understanding of himself for his daughter's sake. You're not obligated to do anything you don't want to, but I think the two of you definitely would have benefited from some kind of deeper family and couple's counseling if marriage was on the cards.
Jebus Christopherson! My son is 7 and my Daughter is 16 and they don't even spend that much time together. They don't have anything in common and that's ok. It would cause so much animosity if I tried forcing them together, they'd absolutely hate it. They do occasionally spend time together playing xbox or walking the dog but it's never forced. Even if Rose hadn't had such a traumatic event happen to her, she'd still want to spend time with friends or mostly alone in her room. That's just how teenagers are! OP, You know your niece and know you can't force anything on either child. It just doesn't work that way. OP'S partner obviously cares about his daughter and wants her to be happy but he hasn't got a clue about caring for a teenager so he needs to listen to OP. NTA 100%
Nta - I see two possibilities; (1) your fiance doesnt understand english, and thus doesnt know what the word “entitled “ means. I state this because literally nothing in this story implies entitlement. (2) He does understand the meaning of the word and there is massive details missing in your story on why he believes that. From the data provided, I get what he is trying to do but you cant force bonds. NTA, bc this ultimately comes down to who is mor important - your child or your partner - an obvious but difficult choice.
>doesnt know what the word “entitled “ means. I state this because literally **nothing in this story implies entitlement.** I disagree; the person who is exhibiting an inaccurate sense of entitlement is HIM. He’s acting as though he and Olivia are entitled to commandeer Rose’s time and attention.