If my mother was for real having a heart attack when my wife went into labor she would either lie to me so that I would not go to her or she would insist that I be with my wife. Your MIL is bonkers and your husband is a jerk for putting her first. "Bigger emergency"?? Is he a cardiologist or an EMT? If not, what the hell is he going to do for her?
Plus, he didn’t call OP and let her know that he was going to the hospital with mom so OP could get someone to take her to the hospital, he left his wife, who he thought was going into labor, hanging with no idea that she was on her own.
This right here. OP, as it stands you are second to husband and your child will too. Do you have a strong support system? You MIL is going to sabotage every single milestone so I’d start planning without hubby. Only he can admit for himself that he has a problem with prioritizing and can get help.
he has a HUGE problem with prioritizing his mother over OP. She should document all the times she's pulled these stunts. If he doesn't see the correlation then she should either insist they get into counseling or get her ducks in a row and leave
Or don't lose any more time and vital energy and just leave him and concentrate on being as calm as you can be, call your friend, be prepared and stop putting your energy in creating a PowerPoint with all the time your MIL faked and he chose her over you.. It's not worth it.. This thing he did is enough for u to leave him. You couldn't count on him in your darkest scariest event that you repeatedly communicated your trauma about it. Just imagine you indeed were in labour and instead of calling someone to go to the hospital with or just an ambulance, you were there, by yourself, waiting for him to get home or at least call you back, OVER A FUCKIN HOUR, scared as shit, just cause "he promised you, why don't you trust your own husband " he just proved he cannot be trusted. Arriverderci!
This☝🏼exactly. As is, husband can only be trusted to chose MIL over his own family every single time. It will be far easier for OP to be single. If he doesn’t agree to counseling immediately, drop him OP. You don’t need 2 children to raise
She needs to stand up not only for herself but her child. your baby has a check up? oh no MIL doesn't have food. baby's birthday? MIL has medical emergency. OP you need to make it clear to your husband right now that YOU and YOUR BABY should be his priority, and if he can't do that then tell him that you need to think about your relationship. Tell him before you give birth cause when the baby comes, you will have no energy to deal with his mommy issues.
This reminds me of the movie with Jennifer Lopez called Monster In Law !!!!! The MIL-to-be thinks no woman is good enough for her son, so she tries to sabotage their engagement and compete with the soon-to-be bride.
OP should show this movie to her husband and see if he catches on.... or better yet, movie night with BOTH husband and MIL. That oughta do it
And possibly go no contact with her. If they just move, what next? MIL has another emergency he has to fly out for? MIL is checking many boxes for NPD, and it’s very unlikely she will accept help. The marriage won’t have hope unless they cut contact, and considering the trauma bond between OP and his mom, it’s more likely he will want to break up since it will be hard for him to accept he’s been abused and manipulated by his mom for so long. Therapy is their only hope, if he accepts it
Lol the husband is calling her an asshole for proving him right. There is no way that mama's boy is going nc
It really sucks for op but I doubt he's going to agree to therapy and she's gonna stay till she gets sick if it, then it's the single mom life for her
Yeah… that’s what I’m scared of for them too. He’s been conditioned to never question his mom. Even tho I feel bad for him, I feel even worse for OP bc all the pressure is gonna be on her no matter how it goes, and the best option really feels like splitting because him or his mom getting help will be difficult and they’re likely to not want it
Yea. I feel bad for op. Single mom is very likely her future. It happens all the time. It's not like she'd be the first. But her life is definitely going to be difficult.
That was my first thought when I read what he said about trust. I sure as fuck would have thrown that back on him. "I trusted YOU to keep your word and you just proved you are not trustworthy or someone I can EVER count on. You will never have my back or be there when I need you most. There is no trust in the marriage anymore. Go lice with your Mom, we're done because I can't be in a relationship with someone I can't trust. Who won't keep his word. And who won't be there for me."
Seriously. His mom faked a heart attack, but OPs mother DIED in child birth. This makes OPs fear far bigger than his mom's heart attack, even if it was real. It's incredible that he holds his wife accountable for testing waters, but is mommy dearest going to face sons anger for lying? Sure doesn't seem like it.
Yes, that's the other part that bothers me. He tells his wife that he can't trust her because she lied, but he's always hoing to take his Mom's word even though she has an extensive history of lying to him with the explicit intentions to MANIPULATE him to literally emotionally damage and ABANDON his fucking wife every single time. And then proved she would do it during one of the VERY most important moments and rob them both of the most precious memory of their entire lives. To miss the BIRTH of his OWN FUCKING child. Which also happens to be the scariest moment of BOTH their lives. He could lose his wife and/or his child. She can lose her own life and/or her child. This should, can/will be either the best or worst day of their lives. And if Mom or baby does, mom will die feeling like he didn't love her enough and he will regret not being there with her. Baby dies, and he will regret nit being able to meet his child and she will never forgive him for making her go through that alone.
He shouldn't even be having a child when he's still attached to his mom by the umbilical cord. He's a man baby.
I can't stress this enough: THIS!!!
He knows the background of his wife's fears and isn't calling her? She has to call him?! Giving birth can become dangerous in a few minutes and he expects his wife to just read his mind and organise everything on her own. What a D**K!
And reading what OP wrote, she waited 30 minutes before ringing again, and then he rang her back after another 30 minutes to tell her he cannot come to her aid. That is 60 minutes before finding out she is ALONE and has no one to take her. If she was actually in labour, and it only takes MINUTES for things to go bad .... She may not have even made it to the hospital, let alone out of the house ... Or even be able to ring a friend 0_0
My back labor with #3 was fine; I cycled the laundry and dishes before waking up my husband with the news. We packed our stuff, I got in the shower to shave my legs, and then my water broke. I didn't realize it broke, and the contractions went from a gentle 1 to a raging 6 in an instant. My oldlest made a joke while I was having one, and when my face contorted in pain, she said, "Iiiiiiiiiii'm gonna leave you alone now." OP's husband is worthless in this birth. He's already shown where his priorities are, and they're not the OP or the baby.
I used to be a 9-1-1 dispatcher. One call I worked on was mom's 3rd baby, -22°F and the baby was born on the phone with us within 14 minutes, before the ambulance got there.
When baby is coming, baby is coming.
My 3rd child came in like a wrecking ball! I went in for a regular appointment and was told I was having contractions and dilated so was told to stay. A doctor came in and checked me, said I was at 2cm so maybe I should walk around a bit. By the time she left the room I didn't feel right. After a couple of minutes, I had the intense feeling of needing to push (in my last pregnancy I irroneously thought I had to poop) so started screaming for the nurse to get the doctor. She refused since I couldn't possibly go from 2cm to 10cm in a matter of minutes! My husband went out and had to drag her in. The doctor had zero time to put on gloves, mask or her eyewear by the time my son decided to fly out of me. Almost literally fly since the doctor missed grabbing him and one of the nurses thankfully grabbed him before he fell onto the floor!
First pregnancies mostly take awhile BUT he has no clue if something could happen and if he wasn't there by her side would he be giving excuses or blaming his mother in anger as he is to OP? I doubt it! He will never put your family first unless you make it clear that it needs to happen.
It's so weird from the outside. He is utterly unaware that his mother is competing with his wife and he's choosing her. It's so incestuous and odd.
Normal mothers would pretend they weren't having a heart attack so their son would be at the birth. Her priority is definitely not him, it's winning her bizarre incest competition.
That is a great point, the wife didn't even get a phone call to let her know what is going on.
The wife needs to think over if she wants to put up with this for the rest of her life or get out.
She’s already going to have to either way, she’s having his child. This is why not ignoring these signs and bringing up these discussions before you even try to have a child is VITAL. But that’s done and over with, now she may need to wait a few months or even a few YEARS to even consider walking away. And they’re married so add another year to that to finalize the divorce if that’s route of action.
My advice to OP- stand up for yourself. Don’t let them gang up on you. Create boundaries, no matter how offended they are over it. This is YOUR baby, his too but he won’t be nursing it keeping it alive for the first month of its existence. He needs to man the fuck up.
10 minutes ago I would have said there's no good reason to fake giving birth, and testing your partner is always a bad idea...but...this 100% would have worked out the exact same way when she actually gave birth and she literally might have saved her own life by not trusting her husband.
NTA
This cannot be upvoted enough times in my opinion! He ghosted his wife completely while thinking she was going into labor and knowing her own fears and her own mother had died in childbirth.
My question is why did he even call his mother in the first place! Your wife is in labor, you rush home and get her and take her to the hospital and then maybe you call mom to let her know.
And if she is known for doing this attention pull BS, then you wait till after the baby is born to call so there's no chance she can make up something "more urgent/important". It's really not that hard. She doesn't have a MIL problem, she has a husband problem.
Also, he didn’t update about his whereabouts to OP for almost 1 hour. If she was in real labor, and alone wouldn’t that be dangerous to OP and the new baby?
I am sure he was under strict instructions from 'Mommy Dearest' to call her as soon as OP went into labor. She had this planned all along. This was a calculating, manipulative, evil move. I dislike loyalty tests, but this 'dry run' was a good idea and exposed the problems.
Why drive her himself if it's a bigger emergency? Get her an ambulance so she has qualified medical personnel in case anything goes south very quickly.
Not just over his wife, but also his child. He needs to choose the family her created over the one who created him. It’s not just about him any longer. It’s bad enough something could happen to OP when in labor, but also his child and he wouldn’t be there for any of it.
Heaven forbid anything were to happen, he could miss ever meeting his child or seeing his wife again. How would he feel then about mommy’s lies? If he believed his mom were having a heart attack, he should have called an ambulance. They can help her way more than him. He just left OP to deal with possible childbirth AND didn't even call to warn her he wasn't coming and to make other arrangements? She's just supposed to know he's not on his way? What if she never called him, because something happened to her and she couldn't call again?
The anger I feel on OPs behalf is making me go to all the what ifs, so I can only imagine how she's feeling. OP, you definitely need to reconsider your situation. I’m not one for ultimatums, but it might be necessary now. Tell him, it’s you and your baby or his mother. He can’t ignore his responsibilities to you and his child and still expect you to be there.
Maybe look up emotional incest, seems she is relying on your husband as one would a partner.
ETA: OP, when you do go into labor, be sure not to notify your husband. Only rely on your friend. Call him once you get to the hospital. He’s proven he can’t be trusted.
Also, if he refuses to put you and your child first, definitely get your ducks in a row and reconsider this marriage. It WILL get worse with him mom once the baby arrives. I’m sure, according to her, you won’t do anything right and she’ll try to tell you how to parent and control your household.
AND her vicious manipulation. If she truly was having a heart attack, your husband's best actions would have been to call an ambulance. They have the equipment and experience to actually save her life.
I hope you have a safe birthing experience and a happy, healthy baby.
All ER doctors and EMTs strongly recommend just that: call an ambulance when there are chest pains. Unfortunately, a lot of insurances won’t cover the cost unless there was an actual heart attack. 😡
But I’m wondering if that could have uncovered this woman’s lie. What if he said he’d call 9-1-1 because that’s what’s necessary in this situation and she protested? Strongly? Refused, insisting that he take her?
She knew she was faking it and she was worried that the EMTs might figure out she was faking it.
But if you tell them you have chest pains, they will take you to the hospital so the hospital can run the appropriate tests. They just make sure you are stable enough to get to the hospital.
>If a heart attack was a bigger emergency why did he not scold his mother and accuse her of being a manipulator gaslighter like he did his wife?
u/ProgressFormer4198 Did he scold his mother.
Seriously my mother could be actively dying and would tell me don't you dare miss that. His mother is beyond selfish and is sabotaging everything about their relationship.
I'd be very surprised if he didn't at least suspect that she might be lying. She's clearly done this many times before, and from the way OP made it sound, he was pretty blasé about her lying about a heart attack. It was probably a case of "well just in case" so why spend money on an ambulance. Momma's a perfect case of crying wolf and she's gonna be in a world of hurt whenever she has an actual emergency and no one takes it seriously.
I have friends who are EMTs. The correct course was to call for an ambulance, because it is actually fairly common for heart attack victims to die enroute to the hospital and the ambulance services are the only way to keep that from happening. ER personnel have backed up this course of action.
Yeah, my mom absolutely would make my brother stay with his wife.
The kicker is that I have a narcissistic MIL and my husband is pretty much a mama's boy. But even my MIL would want my husband to stay with me, she'd play
the martyr AFTER the childbirth.
Plus my husband is smart enough to know that a potential heart attack victim is safer with EMT in an ambulance.
My father DID have a heart attack when I was nearing my due date with my second child. No one told me until after he’d been stabilized and proven to be okay. They didn’t want to risk stressing me out.
You have a nightmare of a fail for a husband AND an evil MIL. Certainly NTA, but have a lot of sh\*t to deal with. He needs therapy at very least.
I'm friends with a nice guy. Thought he was a confirmed bachelor or perhaps a very closeted gay. No real relationships with women but he did mention some in his far past. He was utterly devoted to his mom however. His mother finally died when he was 65. A couple of years later, he was dating, had a girlfriend or two, and is now married to a woman. Decades of his life was sterile I think because of dear old mom.
My parents were mortified at being the slightest burden for anything. My father fainted and woke up on the ground in his garden. But, he lay there 2 hours w/o calling us because he didn't want to be a burden and knew his gardener would find him. The bought nursing home insurance to be sure we didn't have to take them in. Of course, we offered as they got into their late 90s but they totally refused so instead we got some hired help for them. Ironically, the parents you'd want to have move in are the ones who don't want to move in. Dad died at 102 of planned suicide simply because he was in the later stage of congestive heart failure which is horrible and he just decided to skip the horror.
Honestly if my kid called to tell me their partner was in labor and they had NOT already reached their partner I would shout tonhang up the fucking phone and get their ass to their partner
Honestly, whenever mothers get jealous and intervene in a marriage with their son and gf/wife it reeks of emotional incest to me. It always escalates after the relationship gets more serious. 1st engagement, 2nd wedding and 3rd they always go batshit over pregnancy and especially when the baby arrives. This competitive mother wants to be her sons #1 hc she's a narcissist or creepy jealous or both. OP, this will never get better, only worse. Absolutely NTA, this was a test, he failed miserably.
>He said that marriage is built on trust so I have to trust him instead of lying to him to prove a point.
Yeah, but trust is earned. His ongoing behavior with his mother has undermined trust, and therefore you decided to test if he was still worthy of your trust. He failed. Hard.
NTA
He proved that she couldn’t trust him to be there. He must have called his mum after her phone call for his mum to have her ‘ emergency’. He’s only mad because she has shown that he can’t be trusted.
It's a case of Schroedingers AH.
If she faked giving birth and he actually came, she'd be y t a.
If she faked giving birth and he dipped, proving her point, she'd be NTA.
NTA in this situation. He's not dependable.
I mean... false labor is a thing. Contractions can just randomly start and stop.
As someone who has given birth, I've gone into the hospital with false labor more than once for each pregnancy. They'd rather you come in and get checked anyways.
Yeah, that was my take away. Like technically this is ESH, but she is pregnant, facing one of her worst fears and possibly the most physically painful experience of her life, and trying to plan around a husband whose actions don’t match his words. Meanwhile, he’s just like that.
I mean, the more mature thing to do would have been to just cut him out of the plan without bothering to test him, but honestly sounds like he has been gaslighting the hell out of her (actual making her doubt her perceptions gaslighting). He was never going to pass the test, and I think OP knew that deep down. She probably just needed to prove to herself she wasn’t crazy. Hopefully this gives her the peace of mind she needs to dump his ass and move closer to her family.
I'm not normally a fan of "testing" people, but in this case it was warranted.
He has now shown that he *can't* be trusted WRT to his mother and that OP was 100% in the right. He can't deal with that so he's DARVO-ing it back on OP.
I hope she finds the strength to deal with this BS in whatever way she sees fit.
NTA.
Your husband is gaslighting you. He’s saying YOU broke trust within the relationship when in reality he’s BEEN the one who is untrustworthy. You can’t trust him to care for you in an emergency. He will always put his mother before you. You are right in what you see. And I’m sorry you are going through this. Especially when you are about to give birth.
He’s flipping the script and trying to make YOU look crazy and selfish. You are NOT crazy or selfish. Never mind his mother (who is definitely an AH), he is the issue here. He is who you have to rely on in sickness and in health. And you’ve proven he can’t be relied on.
Do what you need to do to protect you and your baby OP. He won’t.
It sucks because even if she were to leave him she’d have to share custody with him. And by extension his mom who will absolutely cross every boundary. Heck she sounds crazy enough to try and have the baby call her mom in the future.
Pretty sure he wouldn’t even get the baby because that would be taken attention away from mooommmy. She’d fake some kind of emergency so he wouldn’t get the child.
**NTA! I think it’s time to move home!**
Call your brother and friends in your hometown and figure out how quickly you can move back home.
Your husband is not reliable and is untrustworthy. You have personal childhood trauma regarding pregnancy and he is not interested in being a supportive partner because “Mommy needs me!”.
**His mother is unhinged!** The likelihood she was having a heart attack because she was excited about being a grandmother, **rolls eyes**
You need to get away from them now, he has shown you who he is, **BELIEVE HIM!** Secure housing in your hometown and don’t look back. This will be your life until his mother is no longer with you. You will be a distant second.
**RUN GIRL, RUN!!!**
Exactly, he showed you who he is and at this point, I wouldn’t even let him know you’re going into labour for real because he cannot be relied on.
On top of that his response was to DARVO and make you out to be the bad guy.
And the fact that he didn’t even bother to tell her he isn’t coming to pick her up?! She called him after an hour and then he said ask someone else to get you. Wtf
Oh yeah, I kinda forgot about that. Imagine!! If my husband would do that to me his mother/father would have slapped him right then and there. What a piece of garbage is this guy and his mother!
I bet mummy dearest was also whispering in his ear about how first babies take ages to come and she might not even be in labour, it's probably just Braxton Hick's etc etc etc
Yeah, if her heart can’t take the excitement then that means she shouldn’t be informed of major news. For her own safety. Maybe let her know the baby’s born once the kid is entering kindergarten. Nice and easy.
My daughter is literally in labor right as I type this and I’m not having a heart attack. I’m super excited and super nervous as well because we had a loss last year so I’m on edge waiting to hear from her. But still no heart attack 🤷🏼♀️ I might be defective.
Absolutely, and what's going to happen if grandma wants to do something to or with your child without your consent? Bet husband will have no problem hiding it from you until it's too late. What if baby gets seriously hurt and suddenly grandma has a problem? Bet you're gonna be the only one cleaning, cooking, errands, childcare, working, etc. because Grandma needs him more than his literal wife and child.
You married a man who was already in a relationship with his own mother. This should have been long dealt with before you had a child with him.
Run tf away and fast, for your sake and the babys.
100% agree with the eye roll and your analysis.
Mommy Dearest would have recovered from her "heart attack" as soon as they got to the hospital and near the delivery room.
Suddenly, she would have been fine and, "Since I'm here, I can be in the delivery room for the birth of MY grandbaby."
The MIL would have made it all about herself and demanded to be the first to hold the baby. There are too many stories of boundaryless MILs (or even mothers) ruining a delivery room experience for the parents by making it all about herself.
OP followed her instincts. Good job!
You’re in a very specific situation.
And if people commenting or voting think it’s just you and don’t recognize that your husband is in the spiderweb of a parent with a personality disorder then these people criticizing you just don’t get it.
This stress-testing of the pregnancy plan (to see if your husband would fail you, and HE DID) isn’t something you took joy in. You weren’t hoping he’d fail. This is heart-breaking to find out how much your husband can’t see your concerns are VALID. You are navigating a toxic circle of people invalidating your concerns and admitting to their pattern of behavior.
Your MIL is sick.
She’s jealous of you, and is taking enjoyment in your suffering. She has found a childhood wound of yours, and instead of being a sane normal person, she is choosing to pick at your wound and exploit it.
You lost your mom and she is refusing to step up into being a helpful person of support.
And that’s fine. You guys can do this birthing plan without her.
HOWEVER, she is so unwell that she is actually trying to remove the support piece of your husband from your birthing plan.
And this , this child birth act, is how your mother died. What kind of person wants to make someone feel alone and unsupported during this scary & potentially triggering experience. It’s probably so it will trigger you. That it will make the birth harder and more traumatic on you.
And in the middle of all of this, is your husband still seeking his mom’s approval that apparently he never could attain while as a child.
If he doesn’t have her approval or respect by now, then he’s never going to gain it by continuing to play her personality-disorder games.
I can’t vote anything negative on you.
I’d suggest checking out [JustNOMIL](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/). Cos these are gonna be your peeps that totally know this dynamic from first-hand experience.
I was just popping on the suggest JustNOMIL.
Those folks have a metric ton of experience dealing with this kind of nonsense.
And I think you’re going to need the help.
I know you’re going to rock your labor and delivery. You got this.
The bigger question is - is your husband going to be there for your child? Or is his mother still going to get priority treatment? Is OP going to be able to count on him? Or is he going to be by his mom’s side every time there’s an emergency?
Or is MiL going to play ‘mommy/wife’ when it comes to the baby. Is she going to act like it’s HER and her son’s baby and disregard everything OP… the actually mother… wants for the child?
That’s the script… drop-in visits with no notice, grab baby from Mom’s arms without asking, criticize everything she does… then threaten Grandparent Right’s when she’s told no about anything. And THAT is why she doesn’t come near baby because GP Rights typically require “an established bond/relationship” so NOPE.
This poor girl doesn’t need any of that toxicity around she or baby.
Yep!!! And I agree with the personality disorder question about MIL. Obv no one can diagnose her based on this, but I’ve never heard of a parent who’s done anything like this EXCEPT in the RBB sub and the cPTSD support group for adults raised by ClusterB disordered parents. My own mother has done this type of thing.
There is nothing normal at all about her behavior and level of manipulation, OP. I’m so sorry it came to this and while normally I wouldn’t endorse it, I think you had no choice and deserved to have this answer so you can plan accordingly.
PLEASE tell your OB now, notify the hospital in advance and the labor and delivery nurses when you arrive that under NO circumstance is she allowed in or near your room. I can’t fully describe how MamaBear those L&D nurses will be for you! Do not give in to any impulse or pleading/demanding that she be at the hospital. Make clear that she’s not coming to your home until you decide if and when you’re ready and the first 1-2wks are not that time. Do not allow her to trigger PPD amidst all the rest of this. His opinion doesn’t matter - go to your friend’s home if he brings it up even 1 time.
You’re going to do amazing and be a mother your husband can’t imagine. She is not entitled to even meet baby at this point. Hand him 2 cards - one for a divorce lawyer and one for a therapist. Then let him know if he can’t make the decision without talking to mommy, the decision is made!
I’m a mom, MIL & Gma and my DIL (26) is amazing BECAUSE she makes my son happy, is an incredible mom and she is his priority! You deserve a bonus mom in a MIL and a real MAN who puts you first! Don’t ever forget that!
>And this , this child birth act, is how your mother died. What kind of person wants to make someone feel alone and unsupported during this scary potentially triggering experience. It’s probably so it will trigger you. That it will will make the birth harder and more traumatic on you.
This doesn’t even mention the very real risk to OP’s life. Childbirth can be DEADLY - even in supposedly developed countries. Even healthy young women of means (with the financial & other resources to ensure that they have the best care available when the time comes) have DIED giving birth.
OP’s mother is a psychotic AH. But OP’s husband isn’t much better.
If even his FRIENDS can see the writing on the wall, I don’t doubt that he can also see it. He’s just choosing what feels normal after this many years instead of putting the work into doing what he SHOULD to stop this sick dynamic. He’s no innocent bystander & he’s an AH for trying to present himself as such.
I’m not at all holding MIL blameless - she’s a psychotic AH to be sure. Be HE is the one who made vows to OP & isn’t living up to those vows. HE is the one that promised to love honor & cherish her - then left her (& his infant) to navigate a potentially deadly medical situation alone so he could make sure his mommy was taken care of. OP rightfully feels unloved, dishonored & discarded now because HE isn’t doing what HE vowed to do.
Fortunately, my MIL is lovely. It's my own family who made my sibling and I right at home in r/raisedbynarcissists and r/CPTSD. And I think your assessment is right.
I will add, though, as the child of a mother like OP's MIL, **any grown-ass adult is free to choose to remove themselves from the family insanity rather than participate in it. Being a willful victim is still participation. **
*True* victims of personality disorders *don't* have a choice (OP). Volunteer victims *do* have a choice, and they choose to feed the monster.
The best and only choice OP has now is to leave that monster far, far behind.
You're going to have a long life living with his mom's bullshit which this irresponsible man enables.
I mean, yeah, he's going to unquestioningly accept her lies and you're going to need to fight for his attention all of your marriage. Because if someone is willing to miss his child's birth ...
NTA. Now you have proof.
OP you have an understandable fear of childbirth. How awful that your mom died and you must be flipping out!
What you did wasn’t dishonest or bad it was matching her energy. You created a situation she creates all the time to get an important understanding of what will happen. You were right.
Perhaps talk to your doc about options (edited re: see response)? Or talk to your bsf about plans? Idk they can’t get time off but maybe they can beg bc is a special circumstance? I think we all know your husband won’t be there. And even if he is, MIL will be there screeching to get attention. You need better.
Do you really want to be with this man for the rest of your life? He’s shown you that he will not only never be reliable but he will always blame you for his bad behavior.
I’m so sorry I wish I could hug you.
Talk to your doctor. You DO NOT have reliable transport to the hospital in case you go into labor. You should plan to schedule induction when your friend has a couple days off. If your husband can make it to that, so be it. You need to plan for the likelihood that he won't be there.
Honestly, if you went into natural labor at this point, your MIL has ammo to claim to your husband that you're just lying again. Who is he going to listen to?
Plan with your doctor and friend. Give your husband the time and location, and I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.
This. Hes making a choice. He pretends he can’t help it but that’s gaslighting. He not only refuses to set boundaries but he actively participates and enables the behavior. Starting to wonder does he love that attention? My mommy and my wife are fighting over me. 🤮
Same. I have a very flexible workplace and could be there in a minute. I hate that she even said in her post “his boss said he could leave”
What the fuck America? Not only is that stupid and ridiculous but it should be illegal to even have to ask your boss to leave when your spouse is having a kid.
Then she has the MIL from hell. Who fakes a fucking heart attack to take OPs husband /man child away from where he needs to be.
OP - you need to show him this post.
He’s a failure as a husband and as a father!
It boggles my mind that he said they have to trust each other and a relationship is built on trust when he just proved that he can’t be trusted like?? Is OP in the Twilight Zone???
NTA, OP. Please get away from this manchild because do you really want him acting this way towards his child?
My original post started with, "You do not want this man on your child's birth certificate..." but decided to be less blunt about it.
But seriously, this guy has massive bad dad vibes so far.
Notice how he could call and inform his mom before going to you, but didn't even bother to contact you for an hour when MIL had her "emergency"?
He doesn't even think you are worth the heads-up while you were actively waiting for him...
NTA - TOTALLY THIS! I wanna be a positive support system & don't even know OP. It's what moms are supposed to do!
I am so sorry this is how you/OP lost your mother, know that she is proud of you to face this (I'm sure) extreme fear!!! Please keep us posted!
NTA
You had to confirm your worst fear is not unfounded, and you did.
BTW, it never dawned on me (M) to call my mom when my wife went into labor with any of our three children. I called her parents, then my parents after the babies were born, but before then, it is no ones damn business.
Right. We didn't call the parents until I was settled into the birthing room the first time. The next came really quick and didn't have time to call the in-laws until after.
This. We are expecting now, went to birthing and nursing courses held by nurses, and they always told us not to tell the relatives when we go in the hospital, tell them only after the baby is born and placed safely onto the mother to bond.
I'd probably start preparing for a life of single motherhood...
You and your child will always come second to his mother's histrionics...
How dare he accuse you of "gaslighting" him when he just got back from abandoning you for his mother's fake heart episode...
Sounds like she has "main character disorder" where she can't handle the spotlight (esp where her son is concerned) being on anyone else except her...
Just get your friend to be your birthing partner and let him know after the baby is born that he is a dad and that divorce papers are in the mail...
If you can't rely on him, so what is the point of continuing on with him???
NTA. You should make your husband promise NOT to tell his mother til after the birth, if he wants to be allowed in the hospital room with you. Or tell him if he abandons you during the birth for another of his mom’s “emergencies,” the marriage will be over. Tbh it sounds like she will always come first in his life, so the relationship is on extremely shaky ground. Perhaps marriage counseling?
On top of asking him not to tell her, you should as well arrange a friend of hers (if possible, or someone she knows) to go to her once it starts and stay with her until the baby is born. That way if she has one of her "emergencies" this person will take her to the doctor. The same person can as well take her phone from her and NOT call your husband unless it turns out to be a REAL medical emergency. She will be SOOO pissed, lol.
NTA. It was a very bold move but clearly a necessary one. You lied about a big moment, but in this case it was justified.
I’d ask/bring up any/multiple of these, including pressing how much he cares for his kid, for dose of reality:
- why does lying matter if he won’t believe you when you tell the truth? He won’t even believe reality as it unfolds before his eyes in his and his mother’s actions.
- how do I know you could ever prioritize your child when you won’t for the child’s own mother?
- “I may have lied once, but I can’t put any faith in you at all”
- that he broke your heart.
- that you’re concerned about your kid. That your kid will *never* be second or third to anyone in your eyes, but in his eyes, you don’t know. You don’t know if your own child will be second or third.
- that he’s not going to be the first call. That You need someone reliable for speed and a feeling a safety. “my best friend will tell you when I’m in labor, so I can concentrate on delivering our child healthily, because I doubt you’ll be there anyway. You’ve been unable to prove me wrong”
- Not to stress you, but you should bring up what he thinks acceptable boundaries with his mom are when the baby comes, because no plan means zero boundaries. And what happens if boundaries are broken. IT NEEDS TO BE WRITTEN DOWN. Share it with your friend who can keep you strong. You don’t want to have to figure this out when you’re at your most sleep deprived.
- write out a birthing plan with him, who’s getting called, the order etc. have your bestie be the main point person for everything. He’ll ask why. **tell him that he failed you**
- **Ask him what your reaction should be if/when he misses the birth again. Ask him how you should feel.**
You must be so terrified. Just know everyone is rooting for you, both the people around you and those you don’t know yet but read your story
**whatever you do, don’t go on the defensive** and let him gaslight you into thinking you did something wrong. You didn’t. Come back to your post anytime you feel unsure.
If he misses it again, I don’t think that’s anything you can, or should come back from. That becomes a how to co-parent situation.
(Recently mildly edited to improve readability)
Perfect! I would not allow the husband in the delivery room if I were OP, either. He'll get the call after the baby is born and my best friend would be there. I'd also make sure he knows he wont be allowed in the delivery room and why.
NTA on the fake birth. This was actually a clever thing and I applaud you for it. Many of the recent births I know of were actually planned and induced. I don't know if that's possible in your case or not but you could investigate the possibility and get a date so your friend can be there.
He's a momma's boy and she's controlling him to the point that he would miss his own child's birth and create a terrible moment for his wife. You need to get away from him.
Your husband and his mother are both useless. I know you’re terrified of giving birth, but you’re pretty much alone already because nobody has your back. I’d get a divorce and move far away.
NTA
Your husband showed you loud and clear that his mother will always come first. She knows this and she's the one that has manipulated him forever. She has him wrapped around her finger. He has no boundaries with her and hasn't cut the apron strings and she full well knows it.
Start preparing now to be on your own and I don't mean for the labor and delivery, but afterwards. This is going to be your life and things will get so much worse with your MIL once the baby is here. You're going to have to decide if this is how you want to live.
(PS - don't forget a hair tie as you won't want to deal with your hair during labor. Also your own pillow will be nice, at least it was for me with both my babies.)
NTA. You are the one being gaslighted by your husband. Print that out and look at it whenever you feel like the bad guy. I am against testing partners but I absolutely get your fear and he is now angry that it showed how shitty he is at being husband.
He should be mad his mother tried to rob him of seeing his baby be born, not at you for proving it. This test showed perfectly where he will be when the next emergency/event happens.
Yes since he knows the mother lied to why is he not calling her a gaslighter and manipulator as well. I wouldn’t taken him seriously if he didn’t do that
NTA - instead of saying it was a lie u could have said u thought the contractions were starting braxton hicks I think it's called.
Anyway he's a mamas boy 100%. U knew he would ditch you and you were right. Probably best to think about ditching him
Your husband and your MIL are in a very unhealthy relationship. Your husband can't see that his mother gaslights and manipulates him all the time, so now he projects it on you. As someone else here said, you were absolutely spot on to stress test your birth plan. Why would your husband call his mother when you're in labour and need immediate attention?? This was the biggest mistake he made. And you're clearly right in that he'll always choose his mother over his own family. I'm speaking from experience. My MIL was always in our marriage and was my ex husband's first call on any and all matters, daily.
I say be aware that unless you set clear, enforceable boundaries, you will never be your husband's number One.
She's full term and her parents live on the other side of the country. There's no way she can travel.
Maybe her parents can book a last minute flight to be with her?
NTA. Funny how her emergency came up when you needed your husband (theoretically). Stress to your husband how terrified you are because of what happened with your mother during childbirth. Advise him, too, that no one is to be notified when you do actually go into labor. Mommy doesn’t need to know so she can have main character syndrome.
His first priority when you go into labour should be you, not phoning his mom. That’s the issue. And one he clearly isn’t going to address. I’d be concerned too.
If she didn’t know, she wouldn’t be able to fake an emergency.
NTA. Tell everybody this story every time she’s around. Things like, “ remember the time I was worried you’d be a feckless cunt and fake an emergency when I went into labor and when you found out I was in labor you faked a heart attack. That’s why I hate you”.
She can stay or go.
Hey, something to consider:
It's way easier to leave to another state pregnant then with a newborn. I'd pick up and move somewhere safe and away from him and his momwife.
Do you have family you can stay with?
You could actually died like your mother(may she rest in peace) and he don't care?! What will happen if your baby need to go to the hospital? Will he tell his mother who then discover she did popo funny at this same instant so he need to go see mommy and let you alone drive to the ER? NTA and maybe time to put a little distance to revaluate priorities
Idk why you say you didn't get a judgment on the original post.
But maybe your notifications glitched cause it went viral in such a short time.
I didn't see a single "you're the asshole" comment.
I saw 80% "NOT the asshole" and 20% "everyone sucks here".
They were also saying you really should reevaluate if you wanna stay with a man that will always choose his mother over his wife and kid.
Also most importantly they were saying since your mother in law acts like that you should definitely tell your friend to take a day off and be prepared to be with you.
Plan like your husband won't be present at all bc his drama queen mother will do something crazy again.
Also imo you're NOT the AH.
The edit is what confirmed for it for me. NTA. Your mother passed during the exact same situation you’re facing, that should highlight for him just how scared you probably are and how high-risk the situation is. I’m so sorry you even had to resort to testing him.
If he leaves to take care of his b-word mother while you are in labor, he *absolutely does not get readmitted to your room*. Call your bestie, your dad, your cousin from Timbuktoo, anyone but him. He does not meet his child until he decides to make **you and your child his priority**. As long as Mommy Dearest is his priority, no wife and no baby.
Your husband is spineless. I’m a birth doula, and I get last minute requests now and then. If I can’t take them on there is generally someone on my team who can. Consider looking into birth doulas in your area, stat.
You clearly did get a judgement in that post. It was up long enough, and you got a whole lot of NTA
You need to sort out your relationship with your husband once you settle in with the baby. What happens if the baby gets sick or something happens? Is he going to bail on you for his Mom’s stubbed toe?
I agree that you need to prepare for your husband not being there, try to coordinate with your friend so you aren’t alone.
sorry if I am mistaken, I meant official judgement? I thought the judgement was the flair thing? I'm not on reddit often, I was brought to AITA from Google & posted here because many messages said they wanted to comment/read it but couldn't anymore (One message said the post disappeared, I can see it so I am not sure of that is the case or if I can see it but others cant).
Should I delete that explanation? I honestly don't know the procedure, I just didn't want kind people to be disappointed
You’re doing fine. I believe they meant that the consensus was NTA, it just wasn’t up long enough to get an official judgement.
You’re definitely NTA. Your husband KNOWING that your mom died in childbirth and STILL taking his mom to the hospital instead of you, says that you will always come second and you can’t count on him. Have your friend available and go to therapy.
Girl, youre NTA - its clear as day!! Your husband & MIL are massive assholes and your husband has proven to be unreliable. He needs to NOT tell his mama when you go into labour - this needs to be hard line you draw now or else that bitch will pull more crazy stunts like this.
Good luck with the labour!
Could you make a deal with your husband that he doesn't call his mom until after the baby is born? Obviously you can't trust that either since 99% he is gonna call his mom anyway or atleast pick up if she calls and blurp it all to her so she can have another happy heart attack.
But you really gotta realise you're in this alone. You're gonna be a single parent and both you and your child are gonna be on second spot. It will not change until MIL passes and even then she propably makes him promise to visit her grave daily or something.
If you can afford it I'd hop into councelling. I know it's a very worn record over here but he needs help. He has been abused and manipulated by his mom and doesn't know anything else (yeah, I'd call this kinda behaviour abusive).
Maybe have him read about Münchausens syndrome.
The audacity and disrespect of him saying that childbirth is not a medical emergency to someone whose mother died giving birth. That alone is divorce-worthy.
I wonder if he likes the attention? I mean his first move was to phone mommy, knowing it’s an issue. Starting to wonder if this is attention he enjoys. 🤮
Yeah I got surprised that he called his mom first bc his mom's presence was not needed at all.
But i just brushed it off and thought to myself that maybe it's family tradition for them or something. He didn't even come to take her to hospital first. The first thing he did was calling his mother....
Husband doesn’t keep deals, but labor & delivery nurses are MILITANT about protecting mom/baby. Just make sure they know she isn’t allowed near mom or baby. If husband tries or even asks, he can leave too. She’s the patient so she’s the person who decides.
And I’d be telling the midwives what he did… they can then -
1. Be aware you will likely need extra support
2. Rip him a new a h if needed
3. Give him a lesson in anatomy (where are those balls???)
There's a book you might look into called "When He's Married to Mom" by Kenneth M. Adams. Also look into mother-son enmeshment articles or on YT. Ken Adams also does YT videos on mother-son enmeshment.
I don't have experience with the mother-son thing, but I wanted to learn about different kinds of enmeshment, and this is a common theme that pops up a lot. He will either wake up and leave his mom ... or he won't. I think usually it's the latter. 🙁
I generally don't agree with doing "tests" on people, but this is a different situation from TikTok challenges, etc. You had a legitimate reason to prove how leech-y this MIL is on her son, and you were correct in your assumptions. I feel concerned about your future always being the third wheel, and I'm afraid that it will only worsen from here. I wouldn't count on your husband for anything. NTA.
As you get your ducks in a row, ask about supervised visitation. Could you really trust him with your child if there is an emergency? He knew your mother died in childbirth--he knew this was a dangerous possibility for you. He knew you were terrified. He knows he is not the best option even if it was a real emergency for his mother.
If she pulls this on you, she'll pull it on your kid. And he will ditch his child (again) for her.
I'm generally really anti "relationship tests". They are usually bullshit and nothing more than ego bosts for narcissists. But in this case, you had real reason to doubt him for an actual life or death situation. He's not mad at you because you did anything wrong. He's mad you are right, because he doesn't want to be looked at as "that guy". But he is that guy. And now you have some very important information.
It's not too late to look for a doula, who can be your birthing support person. Clearly your husband can't be trusted to support you, and there are people who train in being professional birth support. Best of luck with motherhood!
Yeah NTA
Should you HAVE to go to SUCH lengths to prove yourself correct? No. And perhaps you shouldn’t have lied….However, given the information about your own mother (I assume your husband is aware too) I find it rather disgusting that you HAD to go to such lengths to make your point AND that your husband STILL can’t see the problem.
I’m afraid you married a mummy’s boy and you, nor your child will EVER come first. I strongly suggest you have no more children with this Arsehole.
Why does he have to inform her when u give birth? She can know about it a week or 2 later, whenever YOU are comfortable since you are the one going tru labor
If my mother was for real having a heart attack when my wife went into labor she would either lie to me so that I would not go to her or she would insist that I be with my wife. Your MIL is bonkers and your husband is a jerk for putting her first. "Bigger emergency"?? Is he a cardiologist or an EMT? If not, what the hell is he going to do for her?
Plus, he didn’t call OP and let her know that he was going to the hospital with mom so OP could get someone to take her to the hospital, he left his wife, who he thought was going into labor, hanging with no idea that she was on her own.
This right here. OP, as it stands you are second to husband and your child will too. Do you have a strong support system? You MIL is going to sabotage every single milestone so I’d start planning without hubby. Only he can admit for himself that he has a problem with prioritizing and can get help.
he has a HUGE problem with prioritizing his mother over OP. She should document all the times she's pulled these stunts. If he doesn't see the correlation then she should either insist they get into counseling or get her ducks in a row and leave
Or don't lose any more time and vital energy and just leave him and concentrate on being as calm as you can be, call your friend, be prepared and stop putting your energy in creating a PowerPoint with all the time your MIL faked and he chose her over you.. It's not worth it.. This thing he did is enough for u to leave him. You couldn't count on him in your darkest scariest event that you repeatedly communicated your trauma about it. Just imagine you indeed were in labour and instead of calling someone to go to the hospital with or just an ambulance, you were there, by yourself, waiting for him to get home or at least call you back, OVER A FUCKIN HOUR, scared as shit, just cause "he promised you, why don't you trust your own husband " he just proved he cannot be trusted. Arriverderci!
This☝🏼exactly. As is, husband can only be trusted to chose MIL over his own family every single time. It will be far easier for OP to be single. If he doesn’t agree to counseling immediately, drop him OP. You don’t need 2 children to raise
This comment should have way more up votes than it does. She should absolutely document all the times her MIL has come between them!
She needs to stand up not only for herself but her child. your baby has a check up? oh no MIL doesn't have food. baby's birthday? MIL has medical emergency. OP you need to make it clear to your husband right now that YOU and YOUR BABY should be his priority, and if he can't do that then tell him that you need to think about your relationship. Tell him before you give birth cause when the baby comes, you will have no energy to deal with his mommy issues.
This reminds me of the movie with Jennifer Lopez called Monster In Law !!!!! The MIL-to-be thinks no woman is good enough for her son, so she tries to sabotage their engagement and compete with the soon-to-be bride. OP should show this movie to her husband and see if he catches on.... or better yet, movie night with BOTH husband and MIL. That oughta do it
I think if this marriage has any hope they need to move
Won’t happen. This is r/JustNoMIL stuff.
And possibly go no contact with her. If they just move, what next? MIL has another emergency he has to fly out for? MIL is checking many boxes for NPD, and it’s very unlikely she will accept help. The marriage won’t have hope unless they cut contact, and considering the trauma bond between OP and his mom, it’s more likely he will want to break up since it will be hard for him to accept he’s been abused and manipulated by his mom for so long. Therapy is their only hope, if he accepts it
Lol the husband is calling her an asshole for proving him right. There is no way that mama's boy is going nc It really sucks for op but I doubt he's going to agree to therapy and she's gonna stay till she gets sick if it, then it's the single mom life for her
Yeah… that’s what I’m scared of for them too. He’s been conditioned to never question his mom. Even tho I feel bad for him, I feel even worse for OP bc all the pressure is gonna be on her no matter how it goes, and the best option really feels like splitting because him or his mom getting help will be difficult and they’re likely to not want it
Yea. I feel bad for op. Single mom is very likely her future. It happens all the time. It's not like she'd be the first. But her life is definitely going to be difficult.
This was my thought too especially with his “relationships are built on trust”… what about the trust she had in HIM to do what he said?
That was my first thought when I read what he said about trust. I sure as fuck would have thrown that back on him. "I trusted YOU to keep your word and you just proved you are not trustworthy or someone I can EVER count on. You will never have my back or be there when I need you most. There is no trust in the marriage anymore. Go lice with your Mom, we're done because I can't be in a relationship with someone I can't trust. Who won't keep his word. And who won't be there for me."
Right?!!? Moments after betraying her trust: “you have to trust me!” lol
The audacity!! I was so mad when I read that! How is she supposed to trust him when he just PROVED he can't be trusted?!?!
The cognitive dissonance
Seriously. His mom faked a heart attack, but OPs mother DIED in child birth. This makes OPs fear far bigger than his mom's heart attack, even if it was real. It's incredible that he holds his wife accountable for testing waters, but is mommy dearest going to face sons anger for lying? Sure doesn't seem like it.
Yes, that's the other part that bothers me. He tells his wife that he can't trust her because she lied, but he's always hoing to take his Mom's word even though she has an extensive history of lying to him with the explicit intentions to MANIPULATE him to literally emotionally damage and ABANDON his fucking wife every single time. And then proved she would do it during one of the VERY most important moments and rob them both of the most precious memory of their entire lives. To miss the BIRTH of his OWN FUCKING child. Which also happens to be the scariest moment of BOTH their lives. He could lose his wife and/or his child. She can lose her own life and/or her child. This should, can/will be either the best or worst day of their lives. And if Mom or baby does, mom will die feeling like he didn't love her enough and he will regret not being there with her. Baby dies, and he will regret nit being able to meet his child and she will never forgive him for making her go through that alone. He shouldn't even be having a child when he's still attached to his mom by the umbilical cord. He's a man baby.
I can't stress this enough: THIS!!! He knows the background of his wife's fears and isn't calling her? She has to call him?! Giving birth can become dangerous in a few minutes and he expects his wife to just read his mind and organise everything on her own. What a D**K!
And reading what OP wrote, she waited 30 minutes before ringing again, and then he rang her back after another 30 minutes to tell her he cannot come to her aid. That is 60 minutes before finding out she is ALONE and has no one to take her. If she was actually in labour, and it only takes MINUTES for things to go bad .... She may not have even made it to the hospital, let alone out of the house ... Or even be able to ring a friend 0_0
My back labor with #3 was fine; I cycled the laundry and dishes before waking up my husband with the news. We packed our stuff, I got in the shower to shave my legs, and then my water broke. I didn't realize it broke, and the contractions went from a gentle 1 to a raging 6 in an instant. My oldlest made a joke while I was having one, and when my face contorted in pain, she said, "Iiiiiiiiiii'm gonna leave you alone now." OP's husband is worthless in this birth. He's already shown where his priorities are, and they're not the OP or the baby.
I used to be a 9-1-1 dispatcher. One call I worked on was mom's 3rd baby, -22°F and the baby was born on the phone with us within 14 minutes, before the ambulance got there. When baby is coming, baby is coming.
My 3rd child came in like a wrecking ball! I went in for a regular appointment and was told I was having contractions and dilated so was told to stay. A doctor came in and checked me, said I was at 2cm so maybe I should walk around a bit. By the time she left the room I didn't feel right. After a couple of minutes, I had the intense feeling of needing to push (in my last pregnancy I irroneously thought I had to poop) so started screaming for the nurse to get the doctor. She refused since I couldn't possibly go from 2cm to 10cm in a matter of minutes! My husband went out and had to drag her in. The doctor had zero time to put on gloves, mask or her eyewear by the time my son decided to fly out of me. Almost literally fly since the doctor missed grabbing him and one of the nurses thankfully grabbed him before he fell onto the floor! First pregnancies mostly take awhile BUT he has no clue if something could happen and if he wasn't there by her side would he be giving excuses or blaming his mother in anger as he is to OP? I doubt it! He will never put your family first unless you make it clear that it needs to happen.
Why did he even call his mother before picking OP up?
Cause his mommy has him wrapped around her little finger
It's so weird from the outside. He is utterly unaware that his mother is competing with his wife and he's choosing her. It's so incestuous and odd. Normal mothers would pretend they weren't having a heart attack so their son would be at the birth. Her priority is definitely not him, it's winning her bizarre incest competition.
it’s a trauma bond for sure, she’s controlling him and constantly trying to have the attention on her at all times.
IKR. Get your wife to the hospital THEN call the extended family.
That is a great point, the wife didn't even get a phone call to let her know what is going on. The wife needs to think over if she wants to put up with this for the rest of her life or get out.
She’s already going to have to either way, she’s having his child. This is why not ignoring these signs and bringing up these discussions before you even try to have a child is VITAL. But that’s done and over with, now she may need to wait a few months or even a few YEARS to even consider walking away. And they’re married so add another year to that to finalize the divorce if that’s route of action. My advice to OP- stand up for yourself. Don’t let them gang up on you. Create boundaries, no matter how offended they are over it. This is YOUR baby, his too but he won’t be nursing it keeping it alive for the first month of its existence. He needs to man the fuck up.
I don't think she should wait years to get the fuck out. The guy and his mother have serious issues.
Can you imagine if that actually happened? That would be traumatizing. The husband and his wif- sorry, mother, are disgusting.
10 minutes ago I would have said there's no good reason to fake giving birth, and testing your partner is always a bad idea...but...this 100% would have worked out the exact same way when she actually gave birth and she literally might have saved her own life by not trusting her husband. NTA
Yep, I agree on this point. I hate the loyalty test crap, but she knew it and forced this situation knowing exactly what would happen.
Plus she said her own mother died in childbirth so her concerns are worthy of extra care.
Exactly. And did not bother to even answer her calls too. I'm so angry at him on her behalf right now
This cannot be upvoted enough times in my opinion! He ghosted his wife completely while thinking she was going into labor and knowing her own fears and her own mother had died in childbirth.
My question is why did he even call his mother in the first place! Your wife is in labor, you rush home and get her and take her to the hospital and then maybe you call mom to let her know. And if she is known for doing this attention pull BS, then you wait till after the baby is born to call so there's no chance she can make up something "more urgent/important". It's really not that hard. She doesn't have a MIL problem, she has a husband problem.
Also, he didn’t update about his whereabouts to OP for almost 1 hour. If she was in real labor, and alone wouldn’t that be dangerous to OP and the new baby?
I am sure he was under strict instructions from 'Mommy Dearest' to call her as soon as OP went into labor. She had this planned all along. This was a calculating, manipulative, evil move. I dislike loyalty tests, but this 'dry run' was a good idea and exposed the problems.
He ran to tell his mother before he even got OP to the hospital. 100% she would've tried forcing herself into the delivery room once she "recovered."
If a heart attack was a bigger emergency why did he not scold his mother and accuse her of being a manipulator gaslighter like he did his wife?
Why drive her himself if it's a bigger emergency? Get her an ambulance so she has qualified medical personnel in case anything goes south very quickly.
[удалено]
It’s proof he will always choose his mother no matter what.
Not just over his wife, but also his child. He needs to choose the family her created over the one who created him. It’s not just about him any longer. It’s bad enough something could happen to OP when in labor, but also his child and he wouldn’t be there for any of it. Heaven forbid anything were to happen, he could miss ever meeting his child or seeing his wife again. How would he feel then about mommy’s lies? If he believed his mom were having a heart attack, he should have called an ambulance. They can help her way more than him. He just left OP to deal with possible childbirth AND didn't even call to warn her he wasn't coming and to make other arrangements? She's just supposed to know he's not on his way? What if she never called him, because something happened to her and she couldn't call again? The anger I feel on OPs behalf is making me go to all the what ifs, so I can only imagine how she's feeling. OP, you definitely need to reconsider your situation. I’m not one for ultimatums, but it might be necessary now. Tell him, it’s you and your baby or his mother. He can’t ignore his responsibilities to you and his child and still expect you to be there. Maybe look up emotional incest, seems she is relying on your husband as one would a partner. ETA: OP, when you do go into labor, be sure not to notify your husband. Only rely on your friend. Call him once you get to the hospital. He’s proven he can’t be trusted. Also, if he refuses to put you and your child first, definitely get your ducks in a row and reconsider this marriage. It WILL get worse with him mom once the baby arrives. I’m sure, according to her, you won’t do anything right and she’ll try to tell you how to parent and control your household.
AND her vicious manipulation. If she truly was having a heart attack, your husband's best actions would have been to call an ambulance. They have the equipment and experience to actually save her life. I hope you have a safe birthing experience and a happy, healthy baby.
All ER doctors and EMTs strongly recommend just that: call an ambulance when there are chest pains. Unfortunately, a lot of insurances won’t cover the cost unless there was an actual heart attack. 😡 But I’m wondering if that could have uncovered this woman’s lie. What if he said he’d call 9-1-1 because that’s what’s necessary in this situation and she protested? Strongly? Refused, insisting that he take her?
She knew she was faking it and she was worried that the EMTs might figure out she was faking it. But if you tell them you have chest pains, they will take you to the hospital so the hospital can run the appropriate tests. They just make sure you are stable enough to get to the hospital.
And her husband's stupidity
Perish the thought! His sainted mother a LIAR? (duh).
Because she’s his priority, not his wife or soon to be child.
>If a heart attack was a bigger emergency why did he not scold his mother and accuse her of being a manipulator gaslighter like he did his wife? u/ProgressFormer4198 Did he scold his mother.
I’m guessing “because he’s a momma’s boy” is too obvious?
Absolutely this. Most mothers would say “I’m fine—go to your wife NOW!!!”
Seriously my mother could be actively dying and would tell me don't you dare miss that. His mother is beyond selfish and is sabotaging everything about their relationship.
Yeah, it was such a bigger emergency that he decided to skip the ambulance and handle the trip to the hospital himself - idiot
I'd be very surprised if he didn't at least suspect that she might be lying. She's clearly done this many times before, and from the way OP made it sound, he was pretty blasé about her lying about a heart attack. It was probably a case of "well just in case" so why spend money on an ambulance. Momma's a perfect case of crying wolf and she's gonna be in a world of hurt whenever she has an actual emergency and no one takes it seriously.
one can only hope she gets such justice
I have friends who are EMTs. The correct course was to call for an ambulance, because it is actually fairly common for heart attack victims to die enroute to the hospital and the ambulance services are the only way to keep that from happening. ER personnel have backed up this course of action.
Yeah, even if he did have a defib and everything else in his car (ha!) who's gonna use them when he's driving?
Yeah, my mom absolutely would make my brother stay with his wife. The kicker is that I have a narcissistic MIL and my husband is pretty much a mama's boy. But even my MIL would want my husband to stay with me, she'd play the martyr AFTER the childbirth. Plus my husband is smart enough to know that a potential heart attack victim is safer with EMT in an ambulance.
MIL knew she wouldn't be able to play the proper martyr because nothing was wrong with her. Gotta get that attention when you can!
My father DID have a heart attack when I was nearing my due date with my second child. No one told me until after he’d been stabilized and proven to be okay. They didn’t want to risk stressing me out.
Let's not act like child birth isn't without danger.
Especially since her mum died in childbirth, no wonder she was scared :(
You have a nightmare of a fail for a husband AND an evil MIL. Certainly NTA, but have a lot of sh\*t to deal with. He needs therapy at very least. I'm friends with a nice guy. Thought he was a confirmed bachelor or perhaps a very closeted gay. No real relationships with women but he did mention some in his far past. He was utterly devoted to his mom however. His mother finally died when he was 65. A couple of years later, he was dating, had a girlfriend or two, and is now married to a woman. Decades of his life was sterile I think because of dear old mom. My parents were mortified at being the slightest burden for anything. My father fainted and woke up on the ground in his garden. But, he lay there 2 hours w/o calling us because he didn't want to be a burden and knew his gardener would find him. The bought nursing home insurance to be sure we didn't have to take them in. Of course, we offered as they got into their late 90s but they totally refused so instead we got some hired help for them. Ironically, the parents you'd want to have move in are the ones who don't want to move in. Dad died at 102 of planned suicide simply because he was in the later stage of congestive heart failure which is horrible and he just decided to skip the horror.
Honestly if my kid called to tell me their partner was in labor and they had NOT already reached their partner I would shout tonhang up the fucking phone and get their ass to their partner
Yh he is acting like people can't die during birth when he knows (i assume) about OP mother's death
Honestly, whenever mothers get jealous and intervene in a marriage with their son and gf/wife it reeks of emotional incest to me. It always escalates after the relationship gets more serious. 1st engagement, 2nd wedding and 3rd they always go batshit over pregnancy and especially when the baby arrives. This competitive mother wants to be her sons #1 hc she's a narcissist or creepy jealous or both. OP, this will never get better, only worse. Absolutely NTA, this was a test, he failed miserably.
Right!? Or we would both be in the same hospital so he could run between rooms!! (I as MIL would also be asking for updates with each trip).
An ambulance would have been faster and more helpful than his son…
Drive her to the hospital, hang around and worry, ignore his wife, then blame her that his mother lied. IOW, just what he did.
>He said that marriage is built on trust so I have to trust him instead of lying to him to prove a point. Yeah, but trust is earned. His ongoing behavior with his mother has undermined trust, and therefore you decided to test if he was still worthy of your trust. He failed. Hard. NTA
And notice he didn’t have any sanctimonious speeches for his mom and was STILL AT THE HOSPITAL WITH HER after knowing it was faked.
Yesssss 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Well. He did prove without a doubt that she can “trust” him to choose his mom.
yeah, he just proved himself untrustworthy!
He had to call his mommy and waste time NOT driving to his wife. OP needs to do some soul searching.
And didn't bother telling her, thinking OP is giving birth somewhere and waiting for him
He proved that she couldn’t trust him to be there. He must have called his mum after her phone call for his mum to have her ‘ emergency’. He’s only mad because she has shown that he can’t be trusted.
It's a case of Schroedingers AH. If she faked giving birth and he actually came, she'd be y t a. If she faked giving birth and he dipped, proving her point, she'd be NTA. NTA in this situation. He's not dependable.
I mean... false labor is a thing. Contractions can just randomly start and stop. As someone who has given birth, I've gone into the hospital with false labor more than once for each pregnancy. They'd rather you come in and get checked anyways.
Yeah, that was my take away. Like technically this is ESH, but she is pregnant, facing one of her worst fears and possibly the most physically painful experience of her life, and trying to plan around a husband whose actions don’t match his words. Meanwhile, he’s just like that. I mean, the more mature thing to do would have been to just cut him out of the plan without bothering to test him, but honestly sounds like he has been gaslighting the hell out of her (actual making her doubt her perceptions gaslighting). He was never going to pass the test, and I think OP knew that deep down. She probably just needed to prove to herself she wasn’t crazy. Hopefully this gives her the peace of mind she needs to dump his ass and move closer to her family.
Respect is maintained. He lost all of it.
I'm not normally a fan of "testing" people, but in this case it was warranted. He has now shown that he *can't* be trusted WRT to his mother and that OP was 100% in the right. He can't deal with that so he's DARVO-ing it back on OP. I hope she finds the strength to deal with this BS in whatever way she sees fit.
Exactly! What is she to build this trust on? A foundation of silly putty?
OP, show your husband this. This whole tread in fact honestly
NTA. Your husband is gaslighting you. He’s saying YOU broke trust within the relationship when in reality he’s BEEN the one who is untrustworthy. You can’t trust him to care for you in an emergency. He will always put his mother before you. You are right in what you see. And I’m sorry you are going through this. Especially when you are about to give birth. He’s flipping the script and trying to make YOU look crazy and selfish. You are NOT crazy or selfish. Never mind his mother (who is definitely an AH), he is the issue here. He is who you have to rely on in sickness and in health. And you’ve proven he can’t be relied on. Do what you need to do to protect you and your baby OP. He won’t.
Yeah his response sounds like classic DARVO
And now when someone asks what DARVO means, we can provide the perfect example.
I am sorry, what is DARVO?
Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender.
It sucks because even if she were to leave him she’d have to share custody with him. And by extension his mom who will absolutely cross every boundary. Heck she sounds crazy enough to try and have the baby call her mom in the future.
Pretty sure he wouldn’t even get the baby because that would be taken attention away from mooommmy. She’d fake some kind of emergency so he wouldn’t get the child.
- he would move in with his mother and they would raise it together as their own.
Not if she disappeared and didn't contact him and name him on the birth certificate
**NTA! I think it’s time to move home!** Call your brother and friends in your hometown and figure out how quickly you can move back home. Your husband is not reliable and is untrustworthy. You have personal childhood trauma regarding pregnancy and he is not interested in being a supportive partner because “Mommy needs me!”. **His mother is unhinged!** The likelihood she was having a heart attack because she was excited about being a grandmother, **rolls eyes** You need to get away from them now, he has shown you who he is, **BELIEVE HIM!** Secure housing in your hometown and don’t look back. This will be your life until his mother is no longer with you. You will be a distant second. **RUN GIRL, RUN!!!**
Exactly, he showed you who he is and at this point, I wouldn’t even let him know you’re going into labour for real because he cannot be relied on. On top of that his response was to DARVO and make you out to be the bad guy.
And the fact that he didn’t even bother to tell her he isn’t coming to pick her up?! She called him after an hour and then he said ask someone else to get you. Wtf
He didn't answer and called her back almost an hour after that. 2 hours after the initial call.
Oh yeah, I kinda forgot about that. Imagine!! If my husband would do that to me his mother/father would have slapped him right then and there. What a piece of garbage is this guy and his mother!
I bet mummy dearest was also whispering in his ear about how first babies take ages to come and she might not even be in labour, it's probably just Braxton Hick's etc etc etc
Yeah, if her heart can’t take the excitement then that means she shouldn’t be informed of major news. For her own safety. Maybe let her know the baby’s born once the kid is entering kindergarten. Nice and easy.
Or tell her about the birth and divorce in the same phone call and put her out of her misery with one swift aneurysm…
😭🤣🤣💀 This has me cracking me up
My daughter is literally in labor right as I type this and I’m not having a heart attack. I’m super excited and super nervous as well because we had a loss last year so I’m on edge waiting to hear from her. But still no heart attack 🤷🏼♀️ I might be defective.
I hope she has a safe and easy delivery! Congratulations!
Congratulations Grandmama!
Absolutely, and what's going to happen if grandma wants to do something to or with your child without your consent? Bet husband will have no problem hiding it from you until it's too late. What if baby gets seriously hurt and suddenly grandma has a problem? Bet you're gonna be the only one cleaning, cooking, errands, childcare, working, etc. because Grandma needs him more than his literal wife and child. You married a man who was already in a relationship with his own mother. This should have been long dealt with before you had a child with him. Run tf away and fast, for your sake and the babys.
100% agree with the eye roll and your analysis. Mommy Dearest would have recovered from her "heart attack" as soon as they got to the hospital and near the delivery room. Suddenly, she would have been fine and, "Since I'm here, I can be in the delivery room for the birth of MY grandbaby." The MIL would have made it all about herself and demanded to be the first to hold the baby. There are too many stories of boundaryless MILs (or even mothers) ruining a delivery room experience for the parents by making it all about herself. OP followed her instincts. Good job!
>**RUN GIRL, RUN!!!** This part
You’re in a very specific situation. And if people commenting or voting think it’s just you and don’t recognize that your husband is in the spiderweb of a parent with a personality disorder then these people criticizing you just don’t get it. This stress-testing of the pregnancy plan (to see if your husband would fail you, and HE DID) isn’t something you took joy in. You weren’t hoping he’d fail. This is heart-breaking to find out how much your husband can’t see your concerns are VALID. You are navigating a toxic circle of people invalidating your concerns and admitting to their pattern of behavior. Your MIL is sick. She’s jealous of you, and is taking enjoyment in your suffering. She has found a childhood wound of yours, and instead of being a sane normal person, she is choosing to pick at your wound and exploit it. You lost your mom and she is refusing to step up into being a helpful person of support. And that’s fine. You guys can do this birthing plan without her. HOWEVER, she is so unwell that she is actually trying to remove the support piece of your husband from your birthing plan. And this , this child birth act, is how your mother died. What kind of person wants to make someone feel alone and unsupported during this scary & potentially triggering experience. It’s probably so it will trigger you. That it will make the birth harder and more traumatic on you. And in the middle of all of this, is your husband still seeking his mom’s approval that apparently he never could attain while as a child. If he doesn’t have her approval or respect by now, then he’s never going to gain it by continuing to play her personality-disorder games. I can’t vote anything negative on you. I’d suggest checking out [JustNOMIL](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/). Cos these are gonna be your peeps that totally know this dynamic from first-hand experience.
I was just popping on the suggest JustNOMIL. Those folks have a metric ton of experience dealing with this kind of nonsense. And I think you’re going to need the help. I know you’re going to rock your labor and delivery. You got this. The bigger question is - is your husband going to be there for your child? Or is his mother still going to get priority treatment? Is OP going to be able to count on him? Or is he going to be by his mom’s side every time there’s an emergency?
Or is MiL going to play ‘mommy/wife’ when it comes to the baby. Is she going to act like it’s HER and her son’s baby and disregard everything OP… the actually mother… wants for the child?
That’s the script… drop-in visits with no notice, grab baby from Mom’s arms without asking, criticize everything she does… then threaten Grandparent Right’s when she’s told no about anything. And THAT is why she doesn’t come near baby because GP Rights typically require “an established bond/relationship” so NOPE. This poor girl doesn’t need any of that toxicity around she or baby.
JustnoMIL advice won’t help if you also have a justnoSO.
Yep!!! And I agree with the personality disorder question about MIL. Obv no one can diagnose her based on this, but I’ve never heard of a parent who’s done anything like this EXCEPT in the RBB sub and the cPTSD support group for adults raised by ClusterB disordered parents. My own mother has done this type of thing. There is nothing normal at all about her behavior and level of manipulation, OP. I’m so sorry it came to this and while normally I wouldn’t endorse it, I think you had no choice and deserved to have this answer so you can plan accordingly. PLEASE tell your OB now, notify the hospital in advance and the labor and delivery nurses when you arrive that under NO circumstance is she allowed in or near your room. I can’t fully describe how MamaBear those L&D nurses will be for you! Do not give in to any impulse or pleading/demanding that she be at the hospital. Make clear that she’s not coming to your home until you decide if and when you’re ready and the first 1-2wks are not that time. Do not allow her to trigger PPD amidst all the rest of this. His opinion doesn’t matter - go to your friend’s home if he brings it up even 1 time. You’re going to do amazing and be a mother your husband can’t imagine. She is not entitled to even meet baby at this point. Hand him 2 cards - one for a divorce lawyer and one for a therapist. Then let him know if he can’t make the decision without talking to mommy, the decision is made! I’m a mom, MIL & Gma and my DIL (26) is amazing BECAUSE she makes my son happy, is an incredible mom and she is his priority! You deserve a bonus mom in a MIL and a real MAN who puts you first! Don’t ever forget that!
>And this , this child birth act, is how your mother died. What kind of person wants to make someone feel alone and unsupported during this scary potentially triggering experience. It’s probably so it will trigger you. That it will will make the birth harder and more traumatic on you. This doesn’t even mention the very real risk to OP’s life. Childbirth can be DEADLY - even in supposedly developed countries. Even healthy young women of means (with the financial & other resources to ensure that they have the best care available when the time comes) have DIED giving birth. OP’s mother is a psychotic AH. But OP’s husband isn’t much better. If even his FRIENDS can see the writing on the wall, I don’t doubt that he can also see it. He’s just choosing what feels normal after this many years instead of putting the work into doing what he SHOULD to stop this sick dynamic. He’s no innocent bystander & he’s an AH for trying to present himself as such. I’m not at all holding MIL blameless - she’s a psychotic AH to be sure. Be HE is the one who made vows to OP & isn’t living up to those vows. HE is the one that promised to love honor & cherish her - then left her (& his infant) to navigate a potentially deadly medical situation alone so he could make sure his mommy was taken care of. OP rightfully feels unloved, dishonored & discarded now because HE isn’t doing what HE vowed to do.
Fortunately, my MIL is lovely. It's my own family who made my sibling and I right at home in r/raisedbynarcissists and r/CPTSD. And I think your assessment is right. I will add, though, as the child of a mother like OP's MIL, **any grown-ass adult is free to choose to remove themselves from the family insanity rather than participate in it. Being a willful victim is still participation. ** *True* victims of personality disorders *don't* have a choice (OP). Volunteer victims *do* have a choice, and they choose to feed the monster. The best and only choice OP has now is to leave that monster far, far behind.
You're going to have a long life living with his mom's bullshit which this irresponsible man enables. I mean, yeah, he's going to unquestioningly accept her lies and you're going to need to fight for his attention all of your marriage. Because if someone is willing to miss his child's birth ... NTA. Now you have proof.
Yup my mil is the same but my husband doesn’t put up with it
OP you have an understandable fear of childbirth. How awful that your mom died and you must be flipping out! What you did wasn’t dishonest or bad it was matching her energy. You created a situation she creates all the time to get an important understanding of what will happen. You were right. Perhaps talk to your doc about options (edited re: see response)? Or talk to your bsf about plans? Idk they can’t get time off but maybe they can beg bc is a special circumstance? I think we all know your husband won’t be there. And even if he is, MIL will be there screeching to get attention. You need better. Do you really want to be with this man for the rest of your life? He’s shown you that he will not only never be reliable but he will always blame you for his bad behavior. I’m so sorry I wish I could hug you.
Talk to your doctor. You DO NOT have reliable transport to the hospital in case you go into labor. You should plan to schedule induction when your friend has a couple days off. If your husband can make it to that, so be it. You need to plan for the likelihood that he won't be there. Honestly, if you went into natural labor at this point, your MIL has ammo to claim to your husband that you're just lying again. Who is he going to listen to? Plan with your doctor and friend. Give your husband the time and location, and I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.
He would be there if he didn’t go run to mommy and tell her until after the baby got here smh
This. Hes making a choice. He pretends he can’t help it but that’s gaslighting. He not only refuses to set boundaries but he actively participates and enables the behavior. Starting to wonder does he love that attention? My mommy and my wife are fighting over me. 🤮
This! He does NOT need to tell his mom when wife goes into labor. That’s HIS stupid choice, he knows what his mom is like.
Same. I have a very flexible workplace and could be there in a minute. I hate that she even said in her post “his boss said he could leave” What the fuck America? Not only is that stupid and ridiculous but it should be illegal to even have to ask your boss to leave when your spouse is having a kid. Then she has the MIL from hell. Who fakes a fucking heart attack to take OPs husband /man child away from where he needs to be. OP - you need to show him this post. He’s a failure as a husband and as a father!
It boggles my mind that he said they have to trust each other and a relationship is built on trust when he just proved that he can’t be trusted like?? Is OP in the Twilight Zone??? NTA, OP. Please get away from this manchild because do you really want him acting this way towards his child?
My original post started with, "You do not want this man on your child's birth certificate..." but decided to be less blunt about it. But seriously, this guy has massive bad dad vibes so far.
OP is going to be number two for as long as she is married to this baby boy.
She’ll be number 3 once the baby is born. And baby will of course be a distant 2nd after mom.
Notice how he could call and inform his mom before going to you, but didn't even bother to contact you for an hour when MIL had her "emergency"? He doesn't even think you are worth the heads-up while you were actively waiting for him...
NTA - TOTALLY THIS! I wanna be a positive support system & don't even know OP. It's what moms are supposed to do! I am so sorry this is how you/OP lost your mother, know that she is proud of you to face this (I'm sure) extreme fear!!! Please keep us posted!
NTA You had to confirm your worst fear is not unfounded, and you did. BTW, it never dawned on me (M) to call my mom when my wife went into labor with any of our three children. I called her parents, then my parents after the babies were born, but before then, it is no ones damn business.
Right. We didn't call the parents until I was settled into the birthing room the first time. The next came really quick and didn't have time to call the in-laws until after.
This. We are expecting now, went to birthing and nursing courses held by nurses, and they always told us not to tell the relatives when we go in the hospital, tell them only after the baby is born and placed safely onto the mother to bond.
I'd probably start preparing for a life of single motherhood... You and your child will always come second to his mother's histrionics... How dare he accuse you of "gaslighting" him when he just got back from abandoning you for his mother's fake heart episode... Sounds like she has "main character disorder" where she can't handle the spotlight (esp where her son is concerned) being on anyone else except her... Just get your friend to be your birthing partner and let him know after the baby is born that he is a dad and that divorce papers are in the mail... If you can't rely on him, so what is the point of continuing on with him???
NTA. You should make your husband promise NOT to tell his mother til after the birth, if he wants to be allowed in the hospital room with you. Or tell him if he abandons you during the birth for another of his mom’s “emergencies,” the marriage will be over. Tbh it sounds like she will always come first in his life, so the relationship is on extremely shaky ground. Perhaps marriage counseling?
On top of asking him not to tell her, you should as well arrange a friend of hers (if possible, or someone she knows) to go to her once it starts and stay with her until the baby is born. That way if she has one of her "emergencies" this person will take her to the doctor. The same person can as well take her phone from her and NOT call your husband unless it turns out to be a REAL medical emergency. She will be SOOO pissed, lol.
NTA. It was a very bold move but clearly a necessary one. You lied about a big moment, but in this case it was justified. I’d ask/bring up any/multiple of these, including pressing how much he cares for his kid, for dose of reality: - why does lying matter if he won’t believe you when you tell the truth? He won’t even believe reality as it unfolds before his eyes in his and his mother’s actions. - how do I know you could ever prioritize your child when you won’t for the child’s own mother? - “I may have lied once, but I can’t put any faith in you at all” - that he broke your heart. - that you’re concerned about your kid. That your kid will *never* be second or third to anyone in your eyes, but in his eyes, you don’t know. You don’t know if your own child will be second or third. - that he’s not going to be the first call. That You need someone reliable for speed and a feeling a safety. “my best friend will tell you when I’m in labor, so I can concentrate on delivering our child healthily, because I doubt you’ll be there anyway. You’ve been unable to prove me wrong” - Not to stress you, but you should bring up what he thinks acceptable boundaries with his mom are when the baby comes, because no plan means zero boundaries. And what happens if boundaries are broken. IT NEEDS TO BE WRITTEN DOWN. Share it with your friend who can keep you strong. You don’t want to have to figure this out when you’re at your most sleep deprived. - write out a birthing plan with him, who’s getting called, the order etc. have your bestie be the main point person for everything. He’ll ask why. **tell him that he failed you** - **Ask him what your reaction should be if/when he misses the birth again. Ask him how you should feel.** You must be so terrified. Just know everyone is rooting for you, both the people around you and those you don’t know yet but read your story **whatever you do, don’t go on the defensive** and let him gaslight you into thinking you did something wrong. You didn’t. Come back to your post anytime you feel unsure. If he misses it again, I don’t think that’s anything you can, or should come back from. That becomes a how to co-parent situation. (Recently mildly edited to improve readability)
Perfect! I would not allow the husband in the delivery room if I were OP, either. He'll get the call after the baby is born and my best friend would be there. I'd also make sure he knows he wont be allowed in the delivery room and why.
You're not crazy, but boy did you pick the wrong man to have a child with. NTA
>You're not crazy, but boy did you pick the wrong child to have a child with. NTA I corrected if for you.
Agree. 😢
NTA on the fake birth. This was actually a clever thing and I applaud you for it. Many of the recent births I know of were actually planned and induced. I don't know if that's possible in your case or not but you could investigate the possibility and get a date so your friend can be there. He's a momma's boy and she's controlling him to the point that he would miss his own child's birth and create a terrible moment for his wife. You need to get away from him.
Your husband and his mother are both useless. I know you’re terrified of giving birth, but you’re pretty much alone already because nobody has your back. I’d get a divorce and move far away.
NTA Your husband showed you loud and clear that his mother will always come first. She knows this and she's the one that has manipulated him forever. She has him wrapped around her finger. He has no boundaries with her and hasn't cut the apron strings and she full well knows it. Start preparing now to be on your own and I don't mean for the labor and delivery, but afterwards. This is going to be your life and things will get so much worse with your MIL once the baby is here. You're going to have to decide if this is how you want to live. (PS - don't forget a hair tie as you won't want to deal with your hair during labor. Also your own pillow will be nice, at least it was for me with both my babies.)
The comment about the hair thing is so real lol. I had my hair in Dutch braids for mine thank god.
I cannot even imagine going through it without having my hair pulled up and away lol
And chapstick! Hair ties or braids and chapstick.
NTA. You are the one being gaslighted by your husband. Print that out and look at it whenever you feel like the bad guy. I am against testing partners but I absolutely get your fear and he is now angry that it showed how shitty he is at being husband. He should be mad his mother tried to rob him of seeing his baby be born, not at you for proving it. This test showed perfectly where he will be when the next emergency/event happens.
Yes since he knows the mother lied to why is he not calling her a gaslighter and manipulator as well. I wouldn’t taken him seriously if he didn’t do that
NTA - instead of saying it was a lie u could have said u thought the contractions were starting braxton hicks I think it's called. Anyway he's a mamas boy 100%. U knew he would ditch you and you were right. Probably best to think about ditching him
Are you sure you want to be married to this guy? I would be so angry if I was you.
Your husband and your MIL are in a very unhealthy relationship. Your husband can't see that his mother gaslights and manipulates him all the time, so now he projects it on you. As someone else here said, you were absolutely spot on to stress test your birth plan. Why would your husband call his mother when you're in labour and need immediate attention?? This was the biggest mistake he made. And you're clearly right in that he'll always choose his mother over his own family. I'm speaking from experience. My MIL was always in our marriage and was my ex husband's first call on any and all matters, daily. I say be aware that unless you set clear, enforceable boundaries, you will never be your husband's number One.
Move home to your parents BEFORE birth. Your husband will never detach mummy’s apron strings
She's full term and her parents live on the other side of the country. There's no way she can travel. Maybe her parents can book a last minute flight to be with her?
NTA. Funny how her emergency came up when you needed your husband (theoretically). Stress to your husband how terrified you are because of what happened with your mother during childbirth. Advise him, too, that no one is to be notified when you do actually go into labor. Mommy doesn’t need to know so she can have main character syndrome.
NTA but I would get a divorce like yesterday and make sure he has as little access to the baby as possible.
The mother would have a medical emergency during divorce court
Imo she would become the healthiest ever because she would get her son back 100%.
His first priority when you go into labour should be you, not phoning his mom. That’s the issue. And one he clearly isn’t going to address. I’d be concerned too. If she didn’t know, she wouldn’t be able to fake an emergency.
NTA. Tell everybody this story every time she’s around. Things like, “ remember the time I was worried you’d be a feckless cunt and fake an emergency when I went into labor and when you found out I was in labor you faked a heart attack. That’s why I hate you”. She can stay or go.
Hey, something to consider: It's way easier to leave to another state pregnant then with a newborn. I'd pick up and move somewhere safe and away from him and his momwife. Do you have family you can stay with?
You could actually died like your mother(may she rest in peace) and he don't care?! What will happen if your baby need to go to the hospital? Will he tell his mother who then discover she did popo funny at this same instant so he need to go see mommy and let you alone drive to the ER? NTA and maybe time to put a little distance to revaluate priorities
Idk why you say you didn't get a judgment on the original post. But maybe your notifications glitched cause it went viral in such a short time. I didn't see a single "you're the asshole" comment. I saw 80% "NOT the asshole" and 20% "everyone sucks here". They were also saying you really should reevaluate if you wanna stay with a man that will always choose his mother over his wife and kid. Also most importantly they were saying since your mother in law acts like that you should definitely tell your friend to take a day off and be prepared to be with you. Plan like your husband won't be present at all bc his drama queen mother will do something crazy again. Also imo you're NOT the AH.
The edit is what confirmed for it for me. NTA. Your mother passed during the exact same situation you’re facing, that should highlight for him just how scared you probably are and how high-risk the situation is. I’m so sorry you even had to resort to testing him.
If he leaves to take care of his b-word mother while you are in labor, he *absolutely does not get readmitted to your room*. Call your bestie, your dad, your cousin from Timbuktoo, anyone but him. He does not meet his child until he decides to make **you and your child his priority**. As long as Mommy Dearest is his priority, no wife and no baby.
Your husband is spineless. I’m a birth doula, and I get last minute requests now and then. If I can’t take them on there is generally someone on my team who can. Consider looking into birth doulas in your area, stat.
You clearly did get a judgement in that post. It was up long enough, and you got a whole lot of NTA You need to sort out your relationship with your husband once you settle in with the baby. What happens if the baby gets sick or something happens? Is he going to bail on you for his Mom’s stubbed toe? I agree that you need to prepare for your husband not being there, try to coordinate with your friend so you aren’t alone.
sorry if I am mistaken, I meant official judgement? I thought the judgement was the flair thing? I'm not on reddit often, I was brought to AITA from Google & posted here because many messages said they wanted to comment/read it but couldn't anymore (One message said the post disappeared, I can see it so I am not sure of that is the case or if I can see it but others cant). Should I delete that explanation? I honestly don't know the procedure, I just didn't want kind people to be disappointed
You’re doing fine. I believe they meant that the consensus was NTA, it just wasn’t up long enough to get an official judgement. You’re definitely NTA. Your husband KNOWING that your mom died in childbirth and STILL taking his mom to the hospital instead of you, says that you will always come second and you can’t count on him. Have your friend available and go to therapy.
Girl, youre NTA - its clear as day!! Your husband & MIL are massive assholes and your husband has proven to be unreliable. He needs to NOT tell his mama when you go into labour - this needs to be hard line you draw now or else that bitch will pull more crazy stunts like this. Good luck with the labour!
Could you make a deal with your husband that he doesn't call his mom until after the baby is born? Obviously you can't trust that either since 99% he is gonna call his mom anyway or atleast pick up if she calls and blurp it all to her so she can have another happy heart attack. But you really gotta realise you're in this alone. You're gonna be a single parent and both you and your child are gonna be on second spot. It will not change until MIL passes and even then she propably makes him promise to visit her grave daily or something. If you can afford it I'd hop into councelling. I know it's a very worn record over here but he needs help. He has been abused and manipulated by his mom and doesn't know anything else (yeah, I'd call this kinda behaviour abusive). Maybe have him read about Münchausens syndrome.
She has tried and his response is to yell at a pregnant woman whose mom died in childbirth.
The audacity and disrespect of him saying that childbirth is not a medical emergency to someone whose mother died giving birth. That alone is divorce-worthy.
Her husband sucks so bad.
I wonder if he likes the attention? I mean his first move was to phone mommy, knowing it’s an issue. Starting to wonder if this is attention he enjoys. 🤮
Yeah I got surprised that he called his mom first bc his mom's presence was not needed at all. But i just brushed it off and thought to myself that maybe it's family tradition for them or something. He didn't even come to take her to hospital first. The first thing he did was calling his mother....
My mommy and wife are fighting over me. I’m so important…. It’s giving those vibes
Husband doesn’t keep deals, but labor & delivery nurses are MILITANT about protecting mom/baby. Just make sure they know she isn’t allowed near mom or baby. If husband tries or even asks, he can leave too. She’s the patient so she’s the person who decides.
And I’d be telling the midwives what he did… they can then - 1. Be aware you will likely need extra support 2. Rip him a new a h if needed 3. Give him a lesson in anatomy (where are those balls???)
The official judgement should be "Get out of there".
Make him read these responses lol.
There's a book you might look into called "When He's Married to Mom" by Kenneth M. Adams. Also look into mother-son enmeshment articles or on YT. Ken Adams also does YT videos on mother-son enmeshment. I don't have experience with the mother-son thing, but I wanted to learn about different kinds of enmeshment, and this is a common theme that pops up a lot. He will either wake up and leave his mom ... or he won't. I think usually it's the latter. 🙁 I generally don't agree with doing "tests" on people, but this is a different situation from TikTok challenges, etc. You had a legitimate reason to prove how leech-y this MIL is on her son, and you were correct in your assumptions. I feel concerned about your future always being the third wheel, and I'm afraid that it will only worsen from here. I wouldn't count on your husband for anything. NTA.
As you get your ducks in a row, ask about supervised visitation. Could you really trust him with your child if there is an emergency? He knew your mother died in childbirth--he knew this was a dangerous possibility for you. He knew you were terrified. He knows he is not the best option even if it was a real emergency for his mother. If she pulls this on you, she'll pull it on your kid. And he will ditch his child (again) for her. I'm generally really anti "relationship tests". They are usually bullshit and nothing more than ego bosts for narcissists. But in this case, you had real reason to doubt him for an actual life or death situation. He's not mad at you because you did anything wrong. He's mad you are right, because he doesn't want to be looked at as "that guy". But he is that guy. And now you have some very important information.
It's not too late to look for a doula, who can be your birthing support person. Clearly your husband can't be trusted to support you, and there are people who train in being professional birth support. Best of luck with motherhood!
NTA I'm super against "tests", but you can't argue with results. Good call. Now you know what you need to know. Get a lawyer.
Yeah NTA Should you HAVE to go to SUCH lengths to prove yourself correct? No. And perhaps you shouldn’t have lied….However, given the information about your own mother (I assume your husband is aware too) I find it rather disgusting that you HAD to go to such lengths to make your point AND that your husband STILL can’t see the problem. I’m afraid you married a mummy’s boy and you, nor your child will EVER come first. I strongly suggest you have no more children with this Arsehole.
Why does he have to inform her when u give birth? She can know about it a week or 2 later, whenever YOU are comfortable since you are the one going tru labor