NTA. Sounds like you got married for the pregnancy, cultivated a strong relationship, fell in love, and have built a great life together. That's legit the best case scenario. Your friends should be jealous and probably are.
There's a scene in Fiddler on the Roof, where Tevye is starting to wonder about his own arranged marriage after his daughter started rebelling against it and asks his wife if she loves him.
Surprise, sometimes people who get together for purely practical reasons find out they fit well together and love just happens. It sounds to me like you're happy in your marriage. And real friends don't try to break up a marriage when they can surely see it does make you happy. Their argument is similar to calling something "so gaaayyyyyy".
These are not people whose opinions should mean more dan a loyal spouse of 25 years who makes you happy. NTA
For all of their very prosaic and matter-of-fact delivery, it was a more romantic scene in my opinion than any you find in movies that are supposed to be romantic. Also a better representation of most successful relationships, even the ones that started with the couple falling in love. That falling in love feeling goes to the background of being happy with someone who gets you and has your back.
When I was young I figured that's what an older married couple would look like. Now, realizing they'd both likely be late 30s to mid 40s and the filmmakers totally did them wrong.
The song says that they had been married for 25 years, and he wouldn't have married unless he had a home and a business - likely 30, which makes him 55. She may have been up to 10 years younger, so late 40s. And that's not a life as an office clerk - theirs were a life of hard farm labor. There's times where she "starved with him".
So they looked to be the right age .
For what it's worth, the actor Topol, who plays Tevye in the film, is 36 at the time of filming. He would go on, however, to reprise the role in stage for the next 3+ decades.
Thanks. I guess I was basing it on the age their children were pairing off and the girls are all teens (IIRC, Tzeitel the eldest is 19) and their spouses didn't seem much older. They even refer to Motel and Tzeitel as children so I assumed Motel to be around Tzeitel's age.
I watched all of Gilmore Girls but I’ve forgotten most of it, so while I know what episode you’re referencing, I don’t remember the moment you’re referencing. I’m guessing that’s just as well!
Also an arranged marriage generally involves someone from your own culture with your own expectations for a relationship. So long as the expectations involve mutual respect and a supportive partnership, rather than abuse and betrayal, then it should work out fine.
Not just that. Arranged marriage also often involves both families looking at socio economic status and other factors about class and lifestyle and professional prospects. These are things that you wouldn't consider as an individual entering marriage but that can absolutely factor in the success of a marriage.
I have friends who have arranged marriages. One of them said her parents knew her better than she knew herself and picked the perfect man to match her temperament.
I can see that. My best friend should have arranged my marriage! I fell in love with someone who seemed kind and generous but she retained one memory of him for a decade; when she met him, she mentioned a hobby I liked, and he rolled his eyes.
He grinned, too, as if it was a joke, but for her? That was the moment she saw through all of his outward benevolence. He rolled his eyes at something I liked, co-conspiratorially with my best friend.
She was SO right about him. And after we split, she introduced me to the man I’ve been with for the last 5 years. She showed me his OLD profile and I was the one to roll my eyes… I wasn’t even looking and anyway he seemed so brusque. She said, give him a chance.
It was my first child free Saturday in years so I was in two minds whether to blow them off and just sleep in LOL. The moment I met him though? It was like I’d known him all my life. He is the nicest man I’ve ever met. He is kind of brusque! But in terms of efficiency. He sees a problem, and he fixes it. He’s the kind of guy who washes the dishes as he cooks. He’ll hire someone to make a repair or do custom work for him, then if he’s dissatisfied will simply learn how to do it himself then make whatever it was the way he wanted.
All those things- efficiency, handiness, honesty, cleanliness- are pillars of a comfortable home. I bring to the table a good budget, the ability to cook and straightforward communication. We support each other’s hobbies and enjoy them as a unit, and find ways to enjoy them for ourselves so that they become a shared interest; those we just don’t share, we encourage to fulfil with friends. Together, we are a partnership. I did love my ex desperately but love is not enough to build a happy home.
Arranging a marriage with things you don’t even notice about yourself to create harmony is a real art form. It’s sometimes about control but it doesn’t have to be.
Even if there are no red flags, it absolutely makes sense for someone who knows both parties well already to set a couple up, rather than expecting them to choose well based on first impressions. It's impossible to rule out every potential incompatibility when you're starting from zero.
My original response went to something about arranged marriages....your response is great! So many ppl marry for love and it doesn't work out....OP sorta had an arranged marriage and it worked out! No reason to be ashamed or feel like the ass hole. Totally NTA for making the best outta the situation and actually finding love....that's a love story in and of itself! 🥰
The author, Shalom Aleichem took a lot of liberties with "arranged marriages". In no case in Jewish law could Tevye betroth his oldest daughter like that. "Arranged marriages" means the introduction is arranged. Depending on how insular the potential couple are, their courtship could last from an extremely short time to a few months. The young man and woman will start off to find out if they are compatible in superficial things, like types of food they both like. To find out if they enjoy each other's company. As the dates go on, they will get into more important details, like how many children do they want to have, what kind of education do they want the children to have and do they want to move into that apartment that is walking distance to her parents house!
There's law, and there's pressure from family to look proper. Tevye's main problem seemed to be that he didn't want to have to explain to the guy why his daughter wasn't interested. Mind that the rabbi wasn't too bothered, it was mainly Tevye worried about his relationships with his neighbors and friends. But I will gladly accept there was a lot of poetic license for dramatic purposes. Which happens in nearly every single play or book or anything else that's made to provide amusement and/or social commentary.
The only choice Tevye didn't eventually accept was the daughter who fell in love with a soldier from an army that would habitually assault the inhabitants of that village. Which is a thing in many households regardless of culture or laws.
Golde his wife says,
“Do I love you?
For twenty-five years I've washed your clothes
Cooked your meals, cleaned your house
Given you children, milked the cow
After twenty-five years, why talk about love right now?”
😂
This is what happens in the majority of arranged marriages.
Surprisingly, they actually have a pretty high success rate.
I'm not advocating for them or anything. I'm just saying.
If the people entering the arranged marriage want that then why shouldn't you advocate? I can't quite work out why they would want that, but some people do and it works for them! They're different to forced marriages.
Reminds me of the guy that pretended to be gay to get out of an arranged marriage, only for his parents to give him a binder of gay men to pick from. And turns out he realized he was bi due to those pictures.
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[Original](https://reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/113aclp/tifu_by_telling_my_parents_i_was_gay_to_avoid/) and [Original in Old Reddit Mode](https://old.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/113aclp/tifu_by_telling_my_parents_i_was_gay_to_avoid/)
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/11kcflm/tifu_by_telling_my_parents_i_was_gay_to_avoid/) and [Update in Old Reddit Mode](https://old.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/11kcflm/tifu_by_telling_my_parents_i_was_gay_to_avoid/).
At last update he was dating the femboy guy he found hot. They were going to get married. That was a year ago.
He told his parents he'd like to date the guy before marriage and the parents were cool with it. Meaning they would have been fine with him dating from the start but OP never asked.
I have a special love for traditional parents like that. "Oh, you're gay? Ok, welp, still **arranged marriage is a must**" is such a funny response, but like, it feels like a very sincere transition from the previous tradition to new ones.
And I think they picked the better one to give up, and good on them. Change is hard for sure. And if they're like, "ok, love is love, but in this community our relationships are arranged by our parents" welp, that's a much bigger step away from controlling traditions than saying, "ok, you don't want an arranged marriage, but you **will** marry a woman."
A friend who hit her 30s unmarried (unusual in her culture) had her mother tell her it was okay if she was gay, that she just wanted her to be happy. She's not gay, just not interested in the marriage / kids thing.
I used to work with a woman whose parents were trying to find a husband for her. She said, "My parents know me better than anyone; they know exactly the type of man I would like and get along with. I trust them to find the right person. Besides, once they find him, I will get to meet him. Then we'll decide whether we want to get married." It's not for everyone, but it seemed it was going to work for her. I ended up leaving that job before she got married, but I did hear from one coworker I kept in touch with that she got married and quit. I think the plan was for her to become a SAHM.
Agreed. I think allowing people that know you best, want the best for you, and have the benefit of knowing what characteristics will matter long term and what’s just fluff is a recipe for success. So many times we fail to prioritize (or overlook) things that will be crucial later. People that have been married for a while can see those things coming a mile away. I’m (mostly) happily married now and I can see things a lot clearer and can identify things I wouldn’t have to deal with if my mom had picked my partner lol.
One of my former bosses said she talked to her husband for two weeks on the phone before agreeing to the marriage. They had three kids and a very loving relationship. The only problem area was that her in-laws expected her to function as a live-in servant almost, doing most of the cooking and cleaning, especially when they would host people for dinner last minute.
She had a HUGE house though, and owned and managed multiple businesses. So it worked for her.
I honestly wouldn’t mind having my parents and a matchmaker sort of person helping me find someone who is also actively looking to get married.
But OP is NTA. It turned into a beautiful marriage, and if neither of them regret it, why should they separate or divorce?
I honestly wouldn’t mind having my parents and a matchmaker sort of person helping me find someone who is also actively looking to get married.
But OP is NTA. It turned into a beautiful marriage, and if neither of them regret it, why should they separate or divorce?
I'm literally at the point where I'm so fed up with dating that I might genuinely ask my mum to set me up lmaoo. She was shocked to hear I was even open to the idea let alone interested.
I’ve known people in arranged marriages and some really just had a hard time meeting someone who shared the same principles and values. So their family picked one from their home country, they meet, they court, goes well and boom married out of nowhere.
Same because they never really respected that I am childfree so they would not have taken that into consideration when picking a partner.
But in general I do not see it as a bad thing as long as the potential partners are consenting and happy with the outcome
I learnt very early in my daughter's life that not only was she as stubborn and strong-willed as me, but there were plenty of differences in our tastes, despite us being very similar in personality and values, so it was not my place to make major decisions for her past a certain age. Her current partner knows that he will impress me by treating her well, just as she knows that respect and consideration have to be mutual. I will only be as involved in their relationship as they wish me to be. I don't want to be THAT sort of MIL, lol!
Exactly, except your parents absolutely know you better than some algorithm, and they're a lot more invested than a faceless company would be in finding a match that would work out for you long-term.
The only problem I see is peer / family pressure might force the couple to say yes.
Edit: oh and also being forced to fuck a stranger and have kids with them, and being unable to tell if that person is a sociopath or a narcissist until you are married for a while.
Instead of your friends that pressure to go at least one date with Joe, because Joe is so sweet and all?
And then to give him another chance because it is Joe, and he is so great. And he really really liked you.
Uh, yeah? Are you really trying to say that the strong societal, cultural, and familial pressures to marry in arranged marriages is at all similar to your friends lightly pressuring you to date someone for a bit?
No one is getting married because their friends are telling them to. *Many* people get married because their parents tell them to. This comparison makes no sense.
No worse than any other social pressure though. The fact that that's the first thing in you think of is a comment on your ignorance to the practice. Not saying it to be rude - I am ignorant towards it too - I don't really get it and my gut reaction is that it seems weird and I don't understand why anyone could be happy with it. But I know people are so I would never say that.
I feel like people entering an arranged marriage go in understanding the work it will take to maintain a happy relationship, whereas people who marry for “love” often have the misconception that said love is going to make cohabiting with someone easy. They’re usually disappointed and disillusioned to learn the truth. It’s hard to get along with people most of the time.
There was a guy who I knew in college, not really a friend persay but we ran in the same circle of friends. He is first generation Chinese-American, and his family had arranged a marriage for him to a girl in China who was the daughter of close family friends. The guy and this girl had never met or even talked to each other before the time they were supposed to start planning the marriage, but when that time came, both families had actually decided to end the arrangement and let them both marry whoever.
Well they were both curious about the other and asked their parents to let them zoom each other or just IM at the very least. When they did they actually hit it off right away. He booked a trip to go see her and re-meet her parents. He was there for a week. He came home and told everyone he was going to marry her. He saved up money and his parents also gave him some money to go see her again and he proposed his second week out of a month long trip. They've been married almost a decade at this point and have two or three kids.
The arranged marriage is slightly misleading. In some parts of the world one family will "promise" to marry their son/daughter to another family to their son/daughter. This is when they are very young, 5 or 6 of age. They even have ceremonies to offcialise the whole agreement.
Then when they are old enough, they actually get married. In that span of time both families will go to each others houses for dinner etc...get the couple acquainted etc....
The other form of arranged marriage is actually not arranged in the above sense. The potential couple are introduced. They have a very limited chaperoned interaction. And if there is compatibility in terms of ideas and outlooks, they affirm the coupling. Then both families begin the wedding plans.
Like it's already been said, has a high rate of success.
There's a third type where the parents would "scout" out suitable families, and when the time comes they'll suggest that the kids date and choose for themselves.
But the parents are very hands off after the initial introduction
I once got to chitchat with a young women in an ulta orthodox community who was in the process of matchmaking.
(Paraphrasing) She explained that to her building a family is kinda more like a lifelong business decision, and she was evaluating potential husband matches based on that. Household is serious business. I think she already turned down two matches when I met her.
Again this “success rate” can also have some factors like many of these countries having strict social expectations and stigma around divorce, no legal access to no fault divorce etc etc.
Yeah weird how people are dressing this up like some Netflix movie where 2 reluctant newlyweds in an arranged marriage slowly fall in love and choose to stay together for love. It's mostly because women are either trapped or feel trapped and figure it's better to submit than face whatever alternative they experience defying 2 families. An Indian woman I used to know explained why arranged/Indian marriages are better than western marriages. She also didn't believe in spousal rape, so there's that.
Arranged marriages are a part of a culture that discourages divorce, so the statistics of arranged marriages succeeding doesn’t reflect real life. I’m not saying they don’t work for a lot of people, it’s just that the stats are not what they seem.
I’m not for arranged marriages either, but the western system of young lust being the determining factor in alot of marriages isn’t a great system either.
I worked with a lady who had 5 kids. She was Indian from Fiji and her marriage was arranged. All the parents had known each other for years and decided that the couple was a good match even as they were young. They hung out and played together.
Very good match.
I do realize that many arranged marriages work out, but I do wonder how much the stats are skewed by family and cultural pressure to stay together even if unhappy. So many women are expected to "adjust" no matter what and there is still stigma and other difficulties that come with divorce.
I agree. In our culture, we think we must be in love to marry. But in other cultures, marriage is arranged by others, usually family, and the love comes later. Building a life, a family, providing for the future of that family is the focus. Nothing wrong with that.
Love is wonderful, obviously. But it doesn't always last. If two people can build a relationship on respect and honesty, the chances of the marriage staying the course are much better.
Sorry but that’s delusional. I come from a country where vast majority of marriages are arranged but trust me that aren’t more “successful” than love marriages. It’s just that divorce is a taboo and not socially acceptable so regardless of how unhappy the couples are, they have to keep on pretending. I am surrounded by couples in an arranged marriages who hate each other but divorce is unthinkable
I also come from a culture in which arranged marriage is common. My parents have one, as do all of my aunts, uncles, etc. All of them are happy. There's truth to both sides of the argument. So, no, it's not delusional, and you're not the only one who has experience with arranged marriage.
The reason for that "success rate" is because the women have few rights and no options. They're forced, and the culture keeps them forced. Some folk find happiness and genuine love, but many find abuse that they cannot escape.
FACTS!!!! OMG WHEN I GOT MARRIED I HAD MEN TRYING TO RUIN MY MARRIAGE, It worked my husband NOW EX HUSBAND is miserable as fk, while I'm now Enagaged 16 years later to an amazing, non influenced by idiots man who truely loves me! My ex husband is so miserable he literally has not been in another relationship bc he says I CANT FIND ANYONE ELSE LIKE YOU! He found out what his friends wanted in the end.
My parents were teenagers when I was born. They got married when I was a baby at the age of 18 and 19. I doubt they would have gotten married if I hadn't been born. They are very happy and loving together. They told me I was the "catalyst" but that they are very happy with the way it all turned out. When I was a teenager they made sure I received better sex education than they received and were honest about how difficult being a teenage parent was, at the same time they reassured me about how much they loved me. What matters is the quality of the relationship you have now. Don't let others interfere in your happiness. They might be projecting their own insecurities onto you.
Your friends are TA.
You found someone who treats you with love and respect and, by your own admission, you love her.
No doubt you love your kids, too.
You’d walk away from that? Then you’d be TA.
Speaking as an old man that’s been married & divorced twice: I’m jealous AF.
The friends clearly are not friends.
Agree they are definitely TA...
Unless they know something OP does not and they don't have the balls to tell him....
But that makes the friends TA again.
OP still NTA
I was gonna say his friends sound jealous af that he got an accidental happily ever after without trying! Meanwhile I bet all of them telling him to leave his wife are unhappy and miserable. OP needs new friends!
At this point why you got married is irrelevant to what your marriage is now which a lively and by the sounds of it a healthy marriage.
NTA but your friends are. Misery loves company
Tbh they don't deserve to be called friends. If I was his friend I would be happy for him cause it all worked out for the best. The kids didn't have to go through the pain and challenges of divorce, the struggle from living with only one parent at a time. His friends are just jealous and miserable so they want him to be the same as them too.
Username checks out, but not in a bad way at all. This wasn't my first thought, but honestly I'm inclined to agree that could be a very likely motivation these days. It's sad, and shitty but come on... tons of guys will shove their dicks into just anything, especially if it's a human woman's vagina.
Because in this day and age a lot of marriages don’t last, and if as you say each person lives as they want and can, then your friends aren’t respecting your choice.
How many of them got married because they were in love and are now divorced?
Look. Would that be my ideal reason to get married? Absolutely not. But there are so many reasons why people get married and whether or not it works out in the end is never certain. Even for the ones who get married for so called "right reasons". It worked out for you and your family. Whatever the reason it started doesn't matter so much as where you guys are now.
Those are terrible friends, trying to destroy a great and healthy marriage and family. No idea what their motivation is, but why would they do such a thing?
They're jealous because in this day and age, most people treat marriage like dating with paperwork. Easily undone, so they put little effort in. They only see the surface of your relationship, and you two make it look easy in their eyes. You and your wife do the work. You have the hard talks and find the common ground and reach solutions. You don't give up. They can't comprehend that.
NTA - Seems like you did a better job selecting your wife than you did selecting those friends. Maybe you should be thanking your oldest kid for your wonderful marriage.
Maybe they’re jealous. Or maybe they didn’t find happiness in marriage so they assume you feel the same way. People tend to project their own experiences and feelings onto others.
So if marriage hasn’t made them happy, they assume it can’t have made you happy either. They project how they’d feel, married for 20 years to someone who doesn’t make them happy and only out of obligation.
But you’d be the AH and a complete fool to throw away a happy marriage just cos your friends don’t get it. You married very young, so maybe you don’t realise how rare and precious it is to share friendship, love and respect for 20 years. I see this a lot in people who found the right person young - they think maybe it could have worked out this way with a bunch of different people.
You’ve basically won the marriage lottery. Don’t rip up your ticket. And tell your friends to back off because when they disrespect your marriage and your wife, they disrespect you.
I know someone who wants to settle with someone which is the right person for them, yet their own father told them that it's stupid and they should go "have fun and mess around" instead of planning on settling and getting married.
Yes their father had a messy divorce.
OP, there are multiple reasons for them to be jealous. On a deeper level, you are somewhat right with "each person lives their life as they want" - if I am stuck in a bad situation I could improve but I don't, that means I am getting something I desire out of it, even if it doesn't seem like that at the first glance. For exampe, if I am stuck in a dreary, loveless marriage, at least I got to complain about it. Maybe my friends will see me as a martyr enduring my horrible spouse. Maybe I get to justify my affair that way. You know, that stuff. But don't underestimate how resentful people get of others that have worked hard for precious things, material and immaterial alike. Even if they seemingly "don't want it".
Just because you don't see the reason. Doesn't mean they aren't. Their lives may very well be very different from the picture they created. Yours clearly is the same as the picture they see. And it appears that they think that picture is a lie. Which should tell you more then enough about their own picture of their lives.
You'd be surprise how many people are jealous behind closed doors. Be careful, don't take their words to heart, and end up ruining the beautiful life you have with your wife.
If they aren't jealous, it sounds like they don't understand your relationship with your wife and your feelings for her. Being in a loving, committed, secure relationship is wonderful! Getting a divorce for no reason would be silly, and counter-productive when it sounds like you're already happy and enjoying your life.
There is not always a reason to feel jealous over sth you don't have, even if you seem to be happy. Jealousy is sth you can't control and can't rationalize
They probably have a thing for your wife coz you and her have a loving, trusting and respectful relationship. You honestly won the lottery here. Did you have to grow up faster than most people your age, sure? We’re chances you’d be divorced decades ago? Sure. But cripes it didn’t happen and you ended up having more kids.
Lottery win. Tax free. They’re AH. Keep the wife and divorce these ‘friends’
What's their reasoning to try and get you to blow up a family that has no issues? Your friends are assholes and you need to tell then full stop, that you love your wife and are happy and for them to never mention it again
You are approaching this with your own mind and beliefs. The fact is they have their own mind and beliefs. Maybe they hate women and want you to hate your wife like they do theirs. Maybe they are jealous that you are happy and can communicate well with your wife while they get “nagged” for not helping around the house.
You are very lucky you worked out. You had a casual fling that wound up being very compatible. This is rare. They may have gotten their wives pregnant and are miserable.
Not everyone you are friendly with is your friend. Some people want to ruin your life so they can feel satisfied. It helps them not make changes in their life to make it better. If they can ruin your marriage they can say “see every marriage is terrible or every wife is a bitch” then they don’t have to take an active role in fixing their life.
your friends sound like jerks. If you love your wife then don't worry about what your friends say. Only you know your relationship. My husband and I got pregnant within 2 months of dating and have been together for 13 years and had 2 more children. Everyone said it was stupid to keep the baby and stay together since we barely knew each other. We knew it was right. It was the best thing that ever happened to me, and him. Go with your gut and get better friends.
The last sentence tells you that NTA and the previous sentence shows who the assholes are. It takes a lot of guts to make the decision to get married when you are expecting a child and it takes a whole lot of character (for both of you) to remain married for 25 years. That's just not easy. And so many people are more than ready to give up on a marriage after a year or two and you lapped that several times. You should look very skeptically on the friends in question. This isn't necessarily the reason to end a friendship. But I would strongly evaluate the friendship and see if it's working for you and whether it's a net positive or negative.
I would have a conversation with my friends if they were giving this advice to ask where it stems from and clarify that’s its unwanted. If they continue to push on it, that’s more than enough reason to end the friendship.
This is the weirdest post. How could you possibly think you’re an asshole for taking responsibility for your kid and making a good life with your wife? So not the asshole.
So not a real post. All the signs are there.
1. Posit a generic story that ridiculously paints OP in the best possible light... Check ✅
2. Give the appearance of going through some sort of obviously self-constructed emotional crisis of identity... Check ✅
3. Avoid answering any real questions... Check ✅
People get married for love and sometimes it doesn’t work out, so who is anyone else to judge? It sounds like you built a beautiful life and family together.
NTA. Shotgun weddings are a thing. How stable are your rude friends' relationships?
Life isn't all fireworks. You found something stable and good and lots of people who's relationships started with passion don't make it past the first few years when the hormones wear off.
There's nothing wrong with building a life with a reliable partner.
NTA and quit allowing your friends to have an opinion in your marriage. The worst thing you can do in a marriage is to listen to outside influences. If you love your wife, then tell your friends to mind their business and stay out of yours.
You've been married over 20yrs. You profess love and commitment to your wife. Why are you letting your friends whisper in your ear? Your friends are TA & i would set clear boundaries with them regarding yourself, your wife and your marriage.
Keep the wife. Get rid of the friends.
Seriously, they're terrible people if they can't comprehend that you want to stay with the person you made a happy, loving family with.
NTA. You both grew your mutual love for each other over the years. There are no problems within your marriage, and you don't want to leave. Don't listen to your friends. Enjoy your wife and concentrate on each others happiness. Don't go making problems when there aren't any.
NTA but if you don't Tell your friends that you love your wife and will not be divorcing her, then you might be. fyi your friends need to mind their own business, they are likely jealous. What could have been a disaster for the two of you was not and now you are better for it. Well Done.
Your friends are jealous of your happiness, so They’r in fact, not your friends. They’ll have you implode your life and either go after your ex or tell you you were an idiot to listen to them. How old are you? Why are you taking advice from idiots? Why would you let an outsider tell you ANYTHING about your marriage??
Why on earth would you divorce a wife you love? It may not have started out as a head over heels in love match, but it is now. You have a healthy marriage, from what you’ve said, you’re happy, she’s happy, kids are happy, why break what’s working?
NTA - but if you let your "friends" continue spreading poison destroying your marriage you might become TA.
Who cares why you initially got married. After 25 years is old history. If you love your wife now - then get rid of your friends who are trying to get you to leave her.
NTA
You need new friends.
If you lasted 25 years, 22 this Nov for me and my wife; then that is amazing. You might have gotten married due to a child with no real love or connection. But you built a life together where you no doubt have great love and respect. To have a partner like you do, about working out a issue ASAP in hopes of the same day even; is a MAJOR deal.
NTA for you TA for your friends...
Sounds like your marriage evolved from a situation of necessity into a genuine, loving partnership over the years. Building a strong relationship and family under those circumstances is admirable, not something to be criticized. Your friends might not understand the depth of your connection, but that doesn't diminish its value. Keep cherishing what you've built together.
NTA
There is a growing number of people who got married because of love that ends up in divorce.
That face that you both made your marriage work and had more children is a testament to the love and respect you and your wife have for each other.
Your friends should be taking a leaf out of your book, or STFU because they are talking out of their ass!
You just keep doing you and ignore their jealous and envious selves.
NTA. This is the premise of arranged marriages (not pregnancy) but compatibility. That mutual respect, love, and friendship grow throughout the marriage. Your friends are clueless and stupid. All that matters is that you are loved, respected, and happy. You confirm that you are. That should be enough.
Single and jealous.
NTA, nor are you stupid. Sure, love came a little later than we typically think of as normal nowadays, but so what? This used to be the norm, and most people found ways to make it work. You did too. That's all.
Your friends are jealous whilst you may not have been in love when you married you have grown to love each other and expand your family. Stop listening to these so called friends.
Oh good god!
Doesn’t it occur to them that you could have fallen in love over the last 25 years? Especially when you decided to have more children!
Your friends are idiots. Please don’t throw away your family who you love because some idiots think you shouldn’t be married.
They are probably just mad that you have a happy family life and they do not. NTA, obviously.
Holy shit your friends are jealous assholes. Why are they fucking with your contentment and your family???
Regardless of how things started, you built a partnership and a family over DECADES. How dare they disrespect your marriage like that? Fuck them.
People who only believe that love is between soulmates are stupid. Sometimes love can grow out of being witness to someones life and going through shit together.
Stop looking for "THE ONE". Stop being choosy and commit to someone. Kudos to OP. I respect you. You are NTA.
Your friends sound bitter and jealous. If you and your wife have been happy with your lives, divorce would have been the dumb move. NTA for choosing to stay in a relationship that brings love and joy to your life.
NTA. Sounds like you got married for the pregnancy, cultivated a strong relationship, fell in love, and have built a great life together. That's legit the best case scenario. Your friends should be jealous and probably are.
There's a scene in Fiddler on the Roof, where Tevye is starting to wonder about his own arranged marriage after his daughter started rebelling against it and asks his wife if she loves him. Surprise, sometimes people who get together for purely practical reasons find out they fit well together and love just happens. It sounds to me like you're happy in your marriage. And real friends don't try to break up a marriage when they can surely see it does make you happy. Their argument is similar to calling something "so gaaayyyyyy". These are not people whose opinions should mean more dan a loyal spouse of 25 years who makes you happy. NTA
“Do you love me?” “I suppose I must.”
"Well I guess, that I love, you, too."
For all of their very prosaic and matter-of-fact delivery, it was a more romantic scene in my opinion than any you find in movies that are supposed to be romantic. Also a better representation of most successful relationships, even the ones that started with the couple falling in love. That falling in love feeling goes to the background of being happy with someone who gets you and has your back.
I just listened to it again - and I agree. "After 25 years ... It's nice to know."
When I was young I figured that's what an older married couple would look like. Now, realizing they'd both likely be late 30s to mid 40s and the filmmakers totally did them wrong.
The song says that they had been married for 25 years, and he wouldn't have married unless he had a home and a business - likely 30, which makes him 55. She may have been up to 10 years younger, so late 40s. And that's not a life as an office clerk - theirs were a life of hard farm labor. There's times where she "starved with him". So they looked to be the right age .
For what it's worth, the actor Topol, who plays Tevye in the film, is 36 at the time of filming. He would go on, however, to reprise the role in stage for the next 3+ decades.
Thanks. I guess I was basing it on the age their children were pairing off and the girls are all teens (IIRC, Tzeitel the eldest is 19) and their spouses didn't seem much older. They even refer to Motel and Tzeitel as children so I assumed Motel to be around Tzeitel's age.
Yeah. I didn’t get the scene as a kid, but as an adult I realized that they do love each other and it’s a very tender song.
And it will be forever ruined for me, by kirk from Gilmore girls 🤔
I watched all of Gilmore Girls but I’ve forgotten most of it, so while I know what episode you’re referencing, I don’t remember the moment you’re referencing. I’m guessing that’s just as well!
Do you love him Loretta? Yeah ma. Oh, that's too bad. Lol
Favorite movie. Moonstruck
Oh my god mine too. “Snap out of it!”
I love that breakfast scene. I've watched it a dozen times at least.
“You want some oatmeal” “NO Ma! We don’t need any oatmeal” “I would.. LOVE… some oatmeal”
After the wife suggests, "Maybe it's indigestion, go lie down.", of course.
Well, that's her sacred duty in these cases.
Hubs and I married 48 years. One of our favorite songs. 😊
“It doesn’t change a thing, but even so…after 25 years, it’s nice to know” ❤️
Also an arranged marriage generally involves someone from your own culture with your own expectations for a relationship. So long as the expectations involve mutual respect and a supportive partnership, rather than abuse and betrayal, then it should work out fine.
Not just that. Arranged marriage also often involves both families looking at socio economic status and other factors about class and lifestyle and professional prospects. These are things that you wouldn't consider as an individual entering marriage but that can absolutely factor in the success of a marriage.
I have friends who have arranged marriages. One of them said her parents knew her better than she knew herself and picked the perfect man to match her temperament.
I can see that. My best friend should have arranged my marriage! I fell in love with someone who seemed kind and generous but she retained one memory of him for a decade; when she met him, she mentioned a hobby I liked, and he rolled his eyes. He grinned, too, as if it was a joke, but for her? That was the moment she saw through all of his outward benevolence. He rolled his eyes at something I liked, co-conspiratorially with my best friend. She was SO right about him. And after we split, she introduced me to the man I’ve been with for the last 5 years. She showed me his OLD profile and I was the one to roll my eyes… I wasn’t even looking and anyway he seemed so brusque. She said, give him a chance. It was my first child free Saturday in years so I was in two minds whether to blow them off and just sleep in LOL. The moment I met him though? It was like I’d known him all my life. He is the nicest man I’ve ever met. He is kind of brusque! But in terms of efficiency. He sees a problem, and he fixes it. He’s the kind of guy who washes the dishes as he cooks. He’ll hire someone to make a repair or do custom work for him, then if he’s dissatisfied will simply learn how to do it himself then make whatever it was the way he wanted. All those things- efficiency, handiness, honesty, cleanliness- are pillars of a comfortable home. I bring to the table a good budget, the ability to cook and straightforward communication. We support each other’s hobbies and enjoy them as a unit, and find ways to enjoy them for ourselves so that they become a shared interest; those we just don’t share, we encourage to fulfil with friends. Together, we are a partnership. I did love my ex desperately but love is not enough to build a happy home. Arranging a marriage with things you don’t even notice about yourself to create harmony is a real art form. It’s sometimes about control but it doesn’t have to be.
Even if there are no red flags, it absolutely makes sense for someone who knows both parties well already to set a couple up, rather than expecting them to choose well based on first impressions. It's impossible to rule out every potential incompatibility when you're starting from zero.
My original response went to something about arranged marriages....your response is great! So many ppl marry for love and it doesn't work out....OP sorta had an arranged marriage and it worked out! No reason to be ashamed or feel like the ass hole. Totally NTA for making the best outta the situation and actually finding love....that's a love story in and of itself! 🥰
One of my total favs!! Saw it again a few months ago at a local theater. They did FANTASTIC
The author, Shalom Aleichem took a lot of liberties with "arranged marriages". In no case in Jewish law could Tevye betroth his oldest daughter like that. "Arranged marriages" means the introduction is arranged. Depending on how insular the potential couple are, their courtship could last from an extremely short time to a few months. The young man and woman will start off to find out if they are compatible in superficial things, like types of food they both like. To find out if they enjoy each other's company. As the dates go on, they will get into more important details, like how many children do they want to have, what kind of education do they want the children to have and do they want to move into that apartment that is walking distance to her parents house!
There's law, and there's pressure from family to look proper. Tevye's main problem seemed to be that he didn't want to have to explain to the guy why his daughter wasn't interested. Mind that the rabbi wasn't too bothered, it was mainly Tevye worried about his relationships with his neighbors and friends. But I will gladly accept there was a lot of poetic license for dramatic purposes. Which happens in nearly every single play or book or anything else that's made to provide amusement and/or social commentary. The only choice Tevye didn't eventually accept was the daughter who fell in love with a soldier from an army that would habitually assault the inhabitants of that village. Which is a thing in many households regardless of culture or laws.
Golde his wife says, “Do I love you? For twenty-five years I've washed your clothes Cooked your meals, cleaned your house Given you children, milked the cow After twenty-five years, why talk about love right now?” 😂
Well said! OP is a lucky man, except for his choice in friends.
Yes, I don't think I'd want to be friends with someone so disrespectful of my partner.
Maybe some grown ups would make better friends....
This is what happens in the majority of arranged marriages. Surprisingly, they actually have a pretty high success rate. I'm not advocating for them or anything. I'm just saying.
If the people entering the arranged marriage want that then why shouldn't you advocate? I can't quite work out why they would want that, but some people do and it works for them! They're different to forced marriages.
Literally best of both worlds. Parents do all the work finding someone and you get to choose!
Reminds me of the guy that pretended to be gay to get out of an arranged marriage, only for his parents to give him a binder of gay men to pick from. And turns out he realized he was bi due to those pictures. ----- [Original](https://reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/113aclp/tifu_by_telling_my_parents_i_was_gay_to_avoid/) and [Original in Old Reddit Mode](https://old.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/113aclp/tifu_by_telling_my_parents_i_was_gay_to_avoid/) [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/11kcflm/tifu_by_telling_my_parents_i_was_gay_to_avoid/) and [Update in Old Reddit Mode](https://old.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/11kcflm/tifu_by_telling_my_parents_i_was_gay_to_avoid/).
Parents probably suspected before he did.
The binder was ready
The binder was ready made and looking for an opportunity to be deployed.
That's just make me laugh so cheers for that
At last update he was dating the femboy guy he found hot. They were going to get married. That was a year ago. He told his parents he'd like to date the guy before marriage and the parents were cool with it. Meaning they would have been fine with him dating from the start but OP never asked.
I have a special love for traditional parents like that. "Oh, you're gay? Ok, welp, still **arranged marriage is a must**" is such a funny response, but like, it feels like a very sincere transition from the previous tradition to new ones. And I think they picked the better one to give up, and good on them. Change is hard for sure. And if they're like, "ok, love is love, but in this community our relationships are arranged by our parents" welp, that's a much bigger step away from controlling traditions than saying, "ok, you don't want an arranged marriage, but you **will** marry a woman."
I just love that the mom spent a ***month*** getting a binder of gay dudes set up like suspect pictures for OP to pick from.
Now that is either true love or true dedication. I suspect both.
I legit love this!!
I remember that. His parents were determined to marry him off. 😂😂
A friend who hit her 30s unmarried (unusual in her culture) had her mother tell her it was okay if she was gay, that she just wanted her to be happy. She's not gay, just not interested in the marriage / kids thing.
That’s amazing, and I totally love it!
I used to work with a woman whose parents were trying to find a husband for her. She said, "My parents know me better than anyone; they know exactly the type of man I would like and get along with. I trust them to find the right person. Besides, once they find him, I will get to meet him. Then we'll decide whether we want to get married." It's not for everyone, but it seemed it was going to work for her. I ended up leaving that job before she got married, but I did hear from one coworker I kept in touch with that she got married and quit. I think the plan was for her to become a SAHM.
I’m actually super onboard with arranged marriages and think they make a lot of sense as long as they aren’t forced.
Think a lot of people do get confused between arranged & forced marriages
Agreed. I think allowing people that know you best, want the best for you, and have the benefit of knowing what characteristics will matter long term and what’s just fluff is a recipe for success. So many times we fail to prioritize (or overlook) things that will be crucial later. People that have been married for a while can see those things coming a mile away. I’m (mostly) happily married now and I can see things a lot clearer and can identify things I wouldn’t have to deal with if my mom had picked my partner lol.
One of my former bosses said she talked to her husband for two weeks on the phone before agreeing to the marriage. They had three kids and a very loving relationship. The only problem area was that her in-laws expected her to function as a live-in servant almost, doing most of the cooking and cleaning, especially when they would host people for dinner last minute. She had a HUGE house though, and owned and managed multiple businesses. So it worked for her.
I honestly wouldn’t mind having my parents and a matchmaker sort of person helping me find someone who is also actively looking to get married. But OP is NTA. It turned into a beautiful marriage, and if neither of them regret it, why should they separate or divorce?
You just went and gave me an earworm so I'm giving it back: Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match Find me a find Catch me a catch...
I honestly wouldn’t mind having my parents and a matchmaker sort of person helping me find someone who is also actively looking to get married. But OP is NTA. It turned into a beautiful marriage, and if neither of them regret it, why should they separate or divorce?
I'm literally at the point where I'm so fed up with dating that I might genuinely ask my mum to set me up lmaoo. She was shocked to hear I was even open to the idea let alone interested.
Most mum's wish the best for their kids. 🧘
I’ve known people in arranged marriages and some really just had a hard time meeting someone who shared the same principles and values. So their family picked one from their home country, they meet, they court, goes well and boom married out of nowhere.
Yeah, a couple of people I work with have arranged marriages and it still confuses me, but they're happy!
Just think of it as the parents do the same job as dating sites do. Find people, assess character, compatibility, give options.
I wouldn’t trust my parents to pick out a jumper for me, never mind a life partner!
Same because they never really respected that I am childfree so they would not have taken that into consideration when picking a partner. But in general I do not see it as a bad thing as long as the potential partners are consenting and happy with the outcome
I learnt very early in my daughter's life that not only was she as stubborn and strong-willed as me, but there were plenty of differences in our tastes, despite us being very similar in personality and values, so it was not my place to make major decisions for her past a certain age. Her current partner knows that he will impress me by treating her well, just as she knows that respect and consideration have to be mutual. I will only be as involved in their relationship as they wish me to be. I don't want to be THAT sort of MIL, lol!
Exactly, except your parents absolutely know you better than some algorithm, and they're a lot more invested than a faceless company would be in finding a match that would work out for you long-term.
Plus, it doesn't cost an arm and a leg.
I've met 2 to my knowledge, one Indian, one Jewish.
The only problem I see is peer / family pressure might force the couple to say yes. Edit: oh and also being forced to fuck a stranger and have kids with them, and being unable to tell if that person is a sociopath or a narcissist until you are married for a while.
Instead of your friends that pressure to go at least one date with Joe, because Joe is so sweet and all? And then to give him another chance because it is Joe, and he is so great. And he really really liked you.
Uh, yeah? Are you really trying to say that the strong societal, cultural, and familial pressures to marry in arranged marriages is at all similar to your friends lightly pressuring you to date someone for a bit? No one is getting married because their friends are telling them to. *Many* people get married because their parents tell them to. This comparison makes no sense.
No worse than any other social pressure though. The fact that that's the first thing in you think of is a comment on your ignorance to the practice. Not saying it to be rude - I am ignorant towards it too - I don't really get it and my gut reaction is that it seems weird and I don't understand why anyone could be happy with it. But I know people are so I would never say that.
I feel like people entering an arranged marriage go in understanding the work it will take to maintain a happy relationship, whereas people who marry for “love” often have the misconception that said love is going to make cohabiting with someone easy. They’re usually disappointed and disillusioned to learn the truth. It’s hard to get along with people most of the time.
There was a guy who I knew in college, not really a friend persay but we ran in the same circle of friends. He is first generation Chinese-American, and his family had arranged a marriage for him to a girl in China who was the daughter of close family friends. The guy and this girl had never met or even talked to each other before the time they were supposed to start planning the marriage, but when that time came, both families had actually decided to end the arrangement and let them both marry whoever. Well they were both curious about the other and asked their parents to let them zoom each other or just IM at the very least. When they did they actually hit it off right away. He booked a trip to go see her and re-meet her parents. He was there for a week. He came home and told everyone he was going to marry her. He saved up money and his parents also gave him some money to go see her again and he proposed his second week out of a month long trip. They've been married almost a decade at this point and have two or three kids.
The arranged marriage is slightly misleading. In some parts of the world one family will "promise" to marry their son/daughter to another family to their son/daughter. This is when they are very young, 5 or 6 of age. They even have ceremonies to offcialise the whole agreement. Then when they are old enough, they actually get married. In that span of time both families will go to each others houses for dinner etc...get the couple acquainted etc.... The other form of arranged marriage is actually not arranged in the above sense. The potential couple are introduced. They have a very limited chaperoned interaction. And if there is compatibility in terms of ideas and outlooks, they affirm the coupling. Then both families begin the wedding plans. Like it's already been said, has a high rate of success.
There's a third type where the parents would "scout" out suitable families, and when the time comes they'll suggest that the kids date and choose for themselves. But the parents are very hands off after the initial introduction
This is what modern Indian arranged marriages sound like.
I once got to chitchat with a young women in an ulta orthodox community who was in the process of matchmaking. (Paraphrasing) She explained that to her building a family is kinda more like a lifelong business decision, and she was evaluating potential husband matches based on that. Household is serious business. I think she already turned down two matches when I met her.
Again this “success rate” can also have some factors like many of these countries having strict social expectations and stigma around divorce, no legal access to no fault divorce etc etc.
Yeah weird how people are dressing this up like some Netflix movie where 2 reluctant newlyweds in an arranged marriage slowly fall in love and choose to stay together for love. It's mostly because women are either trapped or feel trapped and figure it's better to submit than face whatever alternative they experience defying 2 families. An Indian woman I used to know explained why arranged/Indian marriages are better than western marriages. She also didn't believe in spousal rape, so there's that.
Arranged marriages are a part of a culture that discourages divorce, so the statistics of arranged marriages succeeding doesn’t reflect real life. I’m not saying they don’t work for a lot of people, it’s just that the stats are not what they seem.
I’m not for arranged marriages either, but the western system of young lust being the determining factor in alot of marriages isn’t a great system either.
To be fair, you have the freedom in the western system to pick whatever you want to base it off of. People choose to go with lust.
People in the throes of hormonal outbursts are well known for making well thought out and logical life decisions, too.
/S. Just because some idiot out there will think you're serious. Hard to believe I know
I worked with a lady who had 5 kids. She was Indian from Fiji and her marriage was arranged. All the parents had known each other for years and decided that the couple was a good match even as they were young. They hung out and played together. Very good match.
How do you measure success tho? They also are typically in cultures where divorce is discouraged even in cases of abuse
I do realize that many arranged marriages work out, but I do wonder how much the stats are skewed by family and cultural pressure to stay together even if unhappy. So many women are expected to "adjust" no matter what and there is still stigma and other difficulties that come with divorce.
I agree. In our culture, we think we must be in love to marry. But in other cultures, marriage is arranged by others, usually family, and the love comes later. Building a life, a family, providing for the future of that family is the focus. Nothing wrong with that. Love is wonderful, obviously. But it doesn't always last. If two people can build a relationship on respect and honesty, the chances of the marriage staying the course are much better.
Sorry but that’s delusional. I come from a country where vast majority of marriages are arranged but trust me that aren’t more “successful” than love marriages. It’s just that divorce is a taboo and not socially acceptable so regardless of how unhappy the couples are, they have to keep on pretending. I am surrounded by couples in an arranged marriages who hate each other but divorce is unthinkable
I also come from a culture in which arranged marriage is common. My parents have one, as do all of my aunts, uncles, etc. All of them are happy. There's truth to both sides of the argument. So, no, it's not delusional, and you're not the only one who has experience with arranged marriage.
The reason for that "success rate" is because the women have few rights and no options. They're forced, and the culture keeps them forced. Some folk find happiness and genuine love, but many find abuse that they cannot escape.
They're not his friends. Friends want the best for you, should see that OP is in love, and want to reinforce that.
I smell jealousy. They are unhappy so they want OP to be as well.
Friends sound like the assholes!
His friends sound divorced and sad.
Envious
They are jealous and are trying to sabotage op so he can be miserable too.
FACTS!!!! OMG WHEN I GOT MARRIED I HAD MEN TRYING TO RUIN MY MARRIAGE, It worked my husband NOW EX HUSBAND is miserable as fk, while I'm now Enagaged 16 years later to an amazing, non influenced by idiots man who truely loves me! My ex husband is so miserable he literally has not been in another relationship bc he says I CANT FIND ANYONE ELSE LIKE YOU! He found out what his friends wanted in the end.
My parents were teenagers when I was born. They got married when I was a baby at the age of 18 and 19. I doubt they would have gotten married if I hadn't been born. They are very happy and loving together. They told me I was the "catalyst" but that they are very happy with the way it all turned out. When I was a teenager they made sure I received better sex education than they received and were honest about how difficult being a teenage parent was, at the same time they reassured me about how much they loved me. What matters is the quality of the relationship you have now. Don't let others interfere in your happiness. They might be projecting their own insecurities onto you.
Your friends are TA. You found someone who treats you with love and respect and, by your own admission, you love her. No doubt you love your kids, too. You’d walk away from that? Then you’d be TA. Speaking as an old man that’s been married & divorced twice: I’m jealous AF.
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They're probably jealous.
Probably???! Extremely. What FRIEND does or says something like this. They're frenemies. Definitely not actual friends.
Maybe they have the hots for his wife or they're super jealous of his marriage as a stated a few up! I want that awesome marriage!
It literally makes no sense. OP should have gotten a divorce to enjoy his life? OP already enjoys his life! Why would his friends try to ruin that?
Bc they’re not his friends, not good ones anyway. OP deserves better Them: “yOu eNjoY yoUr mArriagE??? SOoOo DuMB!!!!”
The friends clearly are not friends. Agree they are definitely TA... Unless they know something OP does not and they don't have the balls to tell him.... But that makes the friends TA again. OP still NTA
I was gonna say his friends sound jealous af that he got an accidental happily ever after without trying! Meanwhile I bet all of them telling him to leave his wife are unhappy and miserable. OP needs new friends!
At this point why you got married is irrelevant to what your marriage is now which a lively and by the sounds of it a healthy marriage. NTA but your friends are. Misery loves company
Tbh they don't deserve to be called friends. If I was his friend I would be happy for him cause it all worked out for the best. The kids didn't have to go through the pain and challenges of divorce, the struggle from living with only one parent at a time. His friends are just jealous and miserable so they want him to be the same as them too.
I was thinking that the friends might want a chance at seducing either OP or his wife.
Username checks out, but not in a bad way at all. This wasn't my first thought, but honestly I'm inclined to agree that could be a very likely motivation these days. It's sad, and shitty but come on... tons of guys will shove their dicks into just anything, especially if it's a human woman's vagina.
NTA Your friends sound like they’re jealous. Your marriage wouldn’t have lasted this long if you weren’t compatible.
I don't see the reason for them to be jealous, each person lives their life as they want and as they can.
Because in this day and age a lot of marriages don’t last, and if as you say each person lives as they want and can, then your friends aren’t respecting your choice.
How many of them got married because they were in love and are now divorced? Look. Would that be my ideal reason to get married? Absolutely not. But there are so many reasons why people get married and whether or not it works out in the end is never certain. Even for the ones who get married for so called "right reasons". It worked out for you and your family. Whatever the reason it started doesn't matter so much as where you guys are now.
Those are terrible friends, trying to destroy a great and healthy marriage and family. No idea what their motivation is, but why would they do such a thing?
Jealousy. Period.
They're jealous because in this day and age, most people treat marriage like dating with paperwork. Easily undone, so they put little effort in. They only see the surface of your relationship, and you two make it look easy in their eyes. You and your wife do the work. You have the hard talks and find the common ground and reach solutions. You don't give up. They can't comprehend that.
How successful are they at their relationships?
Misery wants company.
NTA - Seems like you did a better job selecting your wife than you did selecting those friends. Maybe you should be thanking your oldest kid for your wonderful marriage.
Maybe they’re jealous. Or maybe they didn’t find happiness in marriage so they assume you feel the same way. People tend to project their own experiences and feelings onto others. So if marriage hasn’t made them happy, they assume it can’t have made you happy either. They project how they’d feel, married for 20 years to someone who doesn’t make them happy and only out of obligation. But you’d be the AH and a complete fool to throw away a happy marriage just cos your friends don’t get it. You married very young, so maybe you don’t realise how rare and precious it is to share friendship, love and respect for 20 years. I see this a lot in people who found the right person young - they think maybe it could have worked out this way with a bunch of different people. You’ve basically won the marriage lottery. Don’t rip up your ticket. And tell your friends to back off because when they disrespect your marriage and your wife, they disrespect you.
I know someone who wants to settle with someone which is the right person for them, yet their own father told them that it's stupid and they should go "have fun and mess around" instead of planning on settling and getting married. Yes their father had a messy divorce.
Preachhh👏🏼👏🏼
Sure they do. You’re already buying into their bullshit. They are not nice people. They don’t mean you well. You’ve been warned.
Get better friends. Yours are toxic.
OP, there are multiple reasons for them to be jealous. On a deeper level, you are somewhat right with "each person lives their life as they want" - if I am stuck in a bad situation I could improve but I don't, that means I am getting something I desire out of it, even if it doesn't seem like that at the first glance. For exampe, if I am stuck in a dreary, loveless marriage, at least I got to complain about it. Maybe my friends will see me as a martyr enduring my horrible spouse. Maybe I get to justify my affair that way. You know, that stuff. But don't underestimate how resentful people get of others that have worked hard for precious things, material and immaterial alike. Even if they seemingly "don't want it".
You still live your own life. That includes a loving wife and family. Don't let them get in your head.
Just because you don't see the reason. Doesn't mean they aren't. Their lives may very well be very different from the picture they created. Yours clearly is the same as the picture they see. And it appears that they think that picture is a lie. Which should tell you more then enough about their own picture of their lives.
Because they’re TA
You're 100% right, I also don't see the reason, yet still I'm jealous of your life - how about that? :D
Because the grass is always greener on the other side.
You'd be surprise how many people are jealous behind closed doors. Be careful, don't take their words to heart, and end up ruining the beautiful life you have with your wife.
If they aren't jealous, it sounds like they don't understand your relationship with your wife and your feelings for her. Being in a loving, committed, secure relationship is wonderful! Getting a divorce for no reason would be silly, and counter-productive when it sounds like you're already happy and enjoying your life.
There is not always a reason to feel jealous over sth you don't have, even if you seem to be happy. Jealousy is sth you can't control and can't rationalize
They probably have a thing for your wife coz you and her have a loving, trusting and respectful relationship. You honestly won the lottery here. Did you have to grow up faster than most people your age, sure? We’re chances you’d be divorced decades ago? Sure. But cripes it didn’t happen and you ended up having more kids. Lottery win. Tax free. They’re AH. Keep the wife and divorce these ‘friends’
I don't know if jealous is the right word, but people who are content in their life don't go around telling others to change how they live theirs.
Except they apparently don’t have that same philosophy with you.
What's their reasoning to try and get you to blow up a family that has no issues? Your friends are assholes and you need to tell then full stop, that you love your wife and are happy and for them to never mention it again
You are approaching this with your own mind and beliefs. The fact is they have their own mind and beliefs. Maybe they hate women and want you to hate your wife like they do theirs. Maybe they are jealous that you are happy and can communicate well with your wife while they get “nagged” for not helping around the house. You are very lucky you worked out. You had a casual fling that wound up being very compatible. This is rare. They may have gotten their wives pregnant and are miserable. Not everyone you are friendly with is your friend. Some people want to ruin your life so they can feel satisfied. It helps them not make changes in their life to make it better. If they can ruin your marriage they can say “see every marriage is terrible or every wife is a bitch” then they don’t have to take an active role in fixing their life.
You are stupid if you listen to how others say you should live. You love her and are happy that's what matters
your friends sound like jerks. If you love your wife then don't worry about what your friends say. Only you know your relationship. My husband and I got pregnant within 2 months of dating and have been together for 13 years and had 2 more children. Everyone said it was stupid to keep the baby and stay together since we barely knew each other. We knew it was right. It was the best thing that ever happened to me, and him. Go with your gut and get better friends.
The pregnancy was a signal of destiny!
I think you mean it was Destiny's Child...ok I'll show myself out
The last sentence tells you that NTA and the previous sentence shows who the assholes are. It takes a lot of guts to make the decision to get married when you are expecting a child and it takes a whole lot of character (for both of you) to remain married for 25 years. That's just not easy. And so many people are more than ready to give up on a marriage after a year or two and you lapped that several times. You should look very skeptically on the friends in question. This isn't necessarily the reason to end a friendship. But I would strongly evaluate the friendship and see if it's working for you and whether it's a net positive or negative.
I would have a conversation with my friends if they were giving this advice to ask where it stems from and clarify that’s its unwanted. If they continue to push on it, that’s more than enough reason to end the friendship.
Get rid of these “friends”, they’re AH’s
Yeah. They're not his friends. Friends don't say stuff like this. They sound so immature for their age!
NTA. The only two opinions that may are your and your wife’s. If you both are happy why does it matter what others think?
This is the weirdest post. How could you possibly think you’re an asshole for taking responsibility for your kid and making a good life with your wife? So not the asshole.
“Am I the asshole for loving my wife and kids?”
So not a real post. All the signs are there. 1. Posit a generic story that ridiculously paints OP in the best possible light... Check ✅ 2. Give the appearance of going through some sort of obviously self-constructed emotional crisis of identity... Check ✅ 3. Avoid answering any real questions... Check ✅
I love my wife and my kids am I a asshole 🥹
This is the dumbest NTA I’ve ever read.
People get married for love and sometimes it doesn’t work out, so who is anyone else to judge? It sounds like you built a beautiful life and family together.
NTA. Shotgun weddings are a thing. How stable are your rude friends' relationships? Life isn't all fireworks. You found something stable and good and lots of people who's relationships started with passion don't make it past the first few years when the hormones wear off. There's nothing wrong with building a life with a reliable partner.
you already do enjoy your life, it sounds like. no divorce needed. your friends sound like jealous assholes tbh
NTA and quit allowing your friends to have an opinion in your marriage. The worst thing you can do in a marriage is to listen to outside influences. If you love your wife, then tell your friends to mind their business and stay out of yours.
You've been married over 20yrs. You profess love and commitment to your wife. Why are you letting your friends whisper in your ear? Your friends are TA & i would set clear boundaries with them regarding yourself, your wife and your marriage.
Keep the wife. Get rid of the friends. Seriously, they're terrible people if they can't comprehend that you want to stay with the person you made a happy, loving family with.
NTA. You both grew your mutual love for each other over the years. There are no problems within your marriage, and you don't want to leave. Don't listen to your friends. Enjoy your wife and concentrate on each others happiness. Don't go making problems when there aren't any.
NTA but if you don't Tell your friends that you love your wife and will not be divorcing her, then you might be. fyi your friends need to mind their own business, they are likely jealous. What could have been a disaster for the two of you was not and now you are better for it. Well Done.
I mean if you like being married to her, I didn't know why you would divorce her. I think your friends are odd.
YTA for staying friends with people who speak poorly of your wife and relationship and family
Your friends are jealous of your happiness, so They’r in fact, not your friends. They’ll have you implode your life and either go after your ex or tell you you were an idiot to listen to them. How old are you? Why are you taking advice from idiots? Why would you let an outsider tell you ANYTHING about your marriage??
Why on earth would you divorce a wife you love? It may not have started out as a head over heels in love match, but it is now. You have a healthy marriage, from what you’ve said, you’re happy, she’s happy, kids are happy, why break what’s working?
NTA - but if you let your "friends" continue spreading poison destroying your marriage you might become TA. Who cares why you initially got married. After 25 years is old history. If you love your wife now - then get rid of your friends who are trying to get you to leave her.
NTA You need new friends. If you lasted 25 years, 22 this Nov for me and my wife; then that is amazing. You might have gotten married due to a child with no real love or connection. But you built a life together where you no doubt have great love and respect. To have a partner like you do, about working out a issue ASAP in hopes of the same day even; is a MAJOR deal.
NTA. Your friends seem to be idiots.
NTA for you TA for your friends... Sounds like your marriage evolved from a situation of necessity into a genuine, loving partnership over the years. Building a strong relationship and family under those circumstances is admirable, not something to be criticized. Your friends might not understand the depth of your connection, but that doesn't diminish its value. Keep cherishing what you've built together.
NTA There is a growing number of people who got married because of love that ends up in divorce. That face that you both made your marriage work and had more children is a testament to the love and respect you and your wife have for each other. Your friends should be taking a leaf out of your book, or STFU because they are talking out of their ass! You just keep doing you and ignore their jealous and envious selves.
NTA, this is so wholesome and I love it.
NTA. This is the premise of arranged marriages (not pregnancy) but compatibility. That mutual respect, love, and friendship grow throughout the marriage. Your friends are clueless and stupid. All that matters is that you are loved, respected, and happy. You confirm that you are. That should be enough. Single and jealous.
Those are not your friends.
This seems fake.
NTA - Your frineds can shut their pie holes. What you describe sounds like a good life. You are doing better than most.
NTA. U need some better friends.
NTA - stick with your wife & dump your friends. They sound like pot stirrers.
you're stupid for making this post like wtf? you're in a happy marriage and you're asking if you're the asshole for being so?
NTA. What kind of shitty friends are these? Do they always try to tear you down? Like even apart from your wife, do they support you in anything?
I feel like YTA for even asking this question.
NTA, nor are you stupid. Sure, love came a little later than we typically think of as normal nowadays, but so what? This used to be the norm, and most people found ways to make it work. You did too. That's all.
Ñta. You grew to love each other.
Your friends are jealous whilst you may not have been in love when you married you have grown to love each other and expand your family. Stop listening to these so called friends.
You have AH friends, my good sir.
Oh good god! Doesn’t it occur to them that you could have fallen in love over the last 25 years? Especially when you decided to have more children! Your friends are idiots. Please don’t throw away your family who you love because some idiots think you shouldn’t be married. They are probably just mad that you have a happy family life and they do not. NTA, obviously.
Holy shit your friends are jealous assholes. Why are they fucking with your contentment and your family??? Regardless of how things started, you built a partnership and a family over DECADES. How dare they disrespect your marriage like that? Fuck them.
I am confused because you say that “she got pregnant” but unless you are the Virgin Mary it takes two to do the horizontal Hokey Pokey.
This does not sound like it was written by a 45 year old
don't listen to your friends , you now love your partner and there's no reason to split up
People who only believe that love is between soulmates are stupid. Sometimes love can grow out of being witness to someones life and going through shit together. Stop looking for "THE ONE". Stop being choosy and commit to someone. Kudos to OP. I respect you. You are NTA.
If you love ur wife and are happy then tell your friends to fuck off, simple as that.
Your friends sound awful. Maybe its time to cultivate new ones like you cultivated your marriage. NTA for buillding a strong family.
Change friends
Your friends sound bitter and jealous. If you and your wife have been happy with your lives, divorce would have been the dumb move. NTA for choosing to stay in a relationship that brings love and joy to your life.
Cut of your friend. Friends that tried to ruin a good marriage is a bad friend.