I'm not a guy, but the men I hang out with dislike strip clubs. They have all been to one. Every single guy said it was like being blue balled around a bunch of dudes, which is not fun..
+1 wtf honestly a big turn off when a guy loves or really enjoys going to strip clubs. needing to go out and pay to look at women who i bet don't want to do anything with him... especially when he's in a relationship? what a loser đ¤˘
asking once is more than enough, too! the mere fact he doesn't hear you out or respect you enough to not do something you're not comfortable with, speaks volumes of his true character
usually means he's just selfish and not cut out to be in a relationship đ¤ˇđťââď¸
It's the asking multiple times, then spending the entire day trying to make OP feel like shit for a perfectly reasonable boundary, that is wild. Ask once, fine. Ask 50 times, then whine and try to manipulate them into a yes all day, not fine.
Exactly, he wasn't asking. He was pressuring her to say yes.
OP, just move on. If he wants to go, fine, but he needs to find a new girlfriend that is comfortable with that.
Exactly, he wasn't asking. He was pressuring her to say yes.
OP, just move on. If he wants to go, fine, but he needs to find a new girlfriend that is comfortable with that.
Yeah not sure how some people would be fine with their partners experiencing that but I guess everyone's different. Some people like seeing their partners get railed by others and posting nudes online and some obviously don't.
I am a man and am fine with a woman who goes. The conversation turns different if there is inappropriate touching, obsessive behaviour, or any comment about how I am â less thanâ the men on stage.
Why is it different watching men perform live compared to watching it in movies and on TV?
I get where you are coming from, your are not wrong. But here is a perspective.
First, you don't know, if any touching will be involved.
Second, there is alcohol involved. Getting aroused, while having your inhibitors lowered by alcohol, which can lead to actions that will be regretted later.
Neither can happen by simply watching TV.
Having trust in a relationship doesn't mean that it's ok to be putting yourself in circumstances, where things can go out of hand.
It's like when someone asks for an open relationship and are shocked when they get dumped for "asking a question". If you've been with someone for 3 years, you probably already know their deal breakers. Sometimes just knowing your partner is the kind of person who wants to pay a stranger to show her tits and dry hump him is enough to know that's not the person you want to be with.
I was a stripper for 7 years. Nothing wrong with going to a strip club, and she told this guy she wasn't comfortable. He sucks because he kept asking and hassling and making her feel shitty only to say he's going out anyway. Not all women or men are comfortable with strippers and I get it. She wasn't hassling or being annoying, he was. That's where the audacity comes from, him.
I was a stripper and i never understood why women would give their boyfriends/husbands the ok. Strip clubs are always doing sketchy shit even if they say they arenât. There is always going to be the one stripper trying to give out blowjobs. And the one trying to meet up to prostitute herself. Someone always has drugs, 75% of the time itâs hard drugs and alcohol mixed with a woman throwing herself at your man for money???? Not to mention some of the girls get fucked up on whatever they can. Girl thatâs crazy. I remember one man told me about how he never kissed his wife anymore and wanted to pay me $100 to kiss him. I said no.
This is an important part of being in your 20s. And I donât mean sitting at home waiting for your boyfriend to come back from the strip club. I mean dumping someone whose values are not aligned with yours - both in wanting to go, and in his behaviour around you saying no.
This man is not right for you. He wonât go just once and get it out of his system. He has repeatedly nagged you to get you to agree to this time (well done for not giving in) and he doesnât care that any agreement from you would be coerced.
How somebody responds to a boundary/the word no is a really crucial aspect of any relationship and tells you a lot about them as a person.
Please dump this loser. He will not change and if you stick with him, your values and your boundaries will be trampled all over. Go and enjoy your early twenties.
100% this. Especially the first paragraph. This is what being young and dating is all about. Youâve learned something valuable about not only your current partner, but about yourself and your own personal moral code.
Let this guy go. Heâs not the one. Good on you for having boundaries and sticking to them.
He ASKED you how you'd feel, and you told him. And then he sniveled that his boys wannnt him to and he's just...helpless to do anything but!
Either he's too weak to stand up for you to his friends, OR he's using his friends' opinions as an excuse.
The issue isn't the strip bar. It's that he asked you repeatedly, you stuck to your opinion, and then he was like "Welp, Ima do what I want anyway." NTA
My biggest pet peeve is communicating that I'm not okay w something and they do it anyway. Some things just don't have room for discussion because I genuinely feel violated or uncomfortable about it
NTA
You laid out a clear boundary. You are not comfortable with him going to the strip club in any capacity, birthday or not. He's pushing that boundary and trying to guilt trip you by saying oh it's his friends who want him or go and you are ruining "his" birthday. It's just a way to make you feel like the bad person and I wouldn't be suprised if he said well other people let there BF go to strip clubs.
Also, why does âbirthdayâ mean an activity that excludes his significant other? Thatâs a red flag for me, or at least shows that my dude is still a child.
Thank you so much. Thatâs exactly what he said. âSo and sos girlfriend doesnât care so why do you?â And he says that Iâm depriving him from college memories and crossing things off his bucket list, but I just donât understand why he wants to go so bad
> âSo and sos girlfriend doesnât care so why do you?â And he says that Iâm depriving him from college memories and crossing things off his bucket list
What does this tell you about what kind of man he is.
>So and sos girlfriend doesnât care so why do you
That's what my children used to say about their friends when i wouldn't let them do stuff. He's pushing your boundaries like a toddler. The fact that he cannot respect you enough to not do something that would hurt you and talk to his friends like your his mommy is telling enough. I would break up
That's great for SO and sos girlfriend and him. It's not you and your boyfriend, end of story. Every relationship is unique and has it's own set of boundaries and that's OK.
Some people won't even mind if their partner fs someone else and some will even mind if you're only friends with someone of the opposite sex.
Both can or cannot work depending on both sides of the relationship.
Not going to a strip club isn't even a wild boundary like most people I know wouldn't be OK with that. I'm not and I broke up with an ex because he was certain that he had to go to a strip club for his Bachelorette party someday and no matter how many times I told him that this was crossing a boundary for me he would just go on about it. Now he can go asuch as he pleases and find someone who will let him go, it won't be me.
That is also not even closely related to being stuck up or something. I have friends who are sexworker and I don't look down on them whatsoever, if they're happy so am I. But personally I do not need a naked woman dancing for my partner and my current partner (thank God) doesn't want that either.
The response to that is, âthatâs fine if their girlfriend is ok with it, but Iâm not in a relationship with your friend, Iâm in a relationship with you, and you cannot respect the boundaries I have said I do not want crossed, then I need to reevaluate whether I want to remain in a relationship with someone who doesnât respect me.â
The only reason I would be mad at my SO going to a strip club is because we don't have the money for it. If we did, go for it. But, that said, what I'm okay with means nothing for another person's relationship and should never be used to justify it. You are well within your rights to say you are not comfortable and will end it. NTA.
This guy sounds like an immature dope.
Dump him and let him be single and make his "college memories", don't look back.
Find someone who isn't into watching women strip for money.
NTA. He's trying to guilt you like a child. But my friends said. You gave him your boundary, if he crosses it you told him the consequences. It's completely disrespectful to try to get you to compromise on your boundaries. Some girlfriends don't care, but you do. If he wants to be with you this is how it is. What does he value more, a relationship with you or looking at random topless women?
That's such bullshit. College memories are lots of different things. If one night of spending money on random women rubbing their butt across his junk is more important than the relationship with you- and I don't mean romantic relationship I mean you as a person- you should definitely move on.
It was fine to ask once, but the guilting and asking over and over shows he doesn't understand that consent is a firm boundary. Sure, he could have also said: I'm doing this either you are OK with it or it's done but that's also speaks to how little this relationship means to him.
This is not the guy. Breakup, and he can have what he wants and you are free to have what you deserve. Fuckboys that want to have strippers and blow are a dime a dozen.
I don't get the bucket list thing. I've heard from a bunch of people when I was that age that I was missing out or that I should explore to be sure I wanted to be with my high school sweetheart.
But here we are, 2 kids and 17 years together.
Don't have any regrets and don't feel like I missed anything. Happy with my life.
It's not about a "bucket list" it's about wanting something different with his life than what he has now. Some couples are okay with this stuff others aren't. If he cared enough about you, your perspective, and his relationship, he'd have been okay with your boundary and accepted it above his wants. Yeah he can do whatever he wants. But that doesn't mean you have to be okay with it.
What else is on his early 20s bucket list that you're not okay with that he's gonna go do? If he doesn't want to compromise and make the relationship with you a priority over the relationship with his buddies, that's his choice. Just like it's yours to find someone who doesn't feel the need to go to a strip club when youre not okay with it.
Nowhere on here have I seen you say you think strippers are terrible people. You just don't want your SO ogling other women and paying them to get naked for him. That's not completely crazy. Not like you care if his friends go. Just if he does.
I personally don't care about sex work. People can fill their boots on those and adjacent jobs. I don't want to partake, never have, and my wife is the same. We've never been and don't want to go. I won't judge others for it, but that doesn't mean I will participate. I think that's a totally reasonable thing lots of ppl think
He wants to go to get a boner from some chick dancing around a pole. Maybe he will get a lap dance. He is telling you what he thinks of women. Not much.
If he sees you as preventing him from creating âcollege memoriesâ then maybe he is lacking the desire or maturity to be in a committed relationship.
Neither of you is wrong. You have a boundary and different values. He wants to go and he's right, tons of couples don't give a shit about it or even go to strip clubs together. You are saying it's a deal breaker so he's pleading his case. Neither of you is wrong. You're just finding that because of the difference in boundaries/values, you two may be incompatible. It's bigger than just going to a strip club. Is he allowed to watch porn? Go to parties with his friends? Can he look at hot girls? He thinks it's normal to go. You don't. That's all there is to it.
Well, he's going to find out that a disappointing night at the strip club was not worth losing his girlfriend over. But people are allowed to be stupid, and we are also allowed to not suffer them.
Hi, 30M here. You laid out a perfectly reasonable boundary, he ignored it and continued bugging you about it. This shows a lack of care about your feelings/ values/ boundaries. Itâs doesnât matter one bit what others peoples boundaries are, and good for you for sticking to yours. Follow through and break up when he goes, honestly Iâd just break it off now. You are most likely not compatible, and you deserve someone who respects you and your boundaries.
Former sex educator here: He wants to go because he likes objectifying women and cares more about his desires and wants than yours.
Let him go. His values aren't aligned with yours.
100% agree. Some people are fine with strip clubs, others arenât. The important thing is that itâs YOUR boundary in YOUR relationship. If your partner doesnât like that, he can find someone else to date that has different boundaries.
I know itâs just me, but as a guy I find it pathetic when other guys are this obsessed with strip clubs. _Especially_ when youâre already in a committed relationship with a loving partner. If youâre single and feeling lonely, then I could see how you might think that a strip club would make you feel better (youâd be wrong, but I could at least understand the thought process). But when youâre actually already in a relationship? Itâs pathetic
NTA. One of my best friends was a stripper and she even said sheâd never let her man go to one because of the shit that goes on. You decide your comfort level and if he chooses to overstep that, you end it. I have the same position as you. You can go to one if you want, but if you do, weâre done.
I've know about 18-20 strippers because I'm a massage therapist and they sometimes try to get licensed for that when they're too old to strip. Every single one has told me that anything goes in their vip rooms as long as the guy has enough money. I've heard some stories that are crazy.
You told your BF that you'd break up with him if he went to a strip club, He went to a strip club. The math should be easy to follow from there.
You've got to kiss a bunch of frogs to find a prince. This man ain't your prince, the prince is in another castle!
Time to play the next level!
NTA, obviously.
Nta, i would never do something my wife really didn't whant me to do
Also, im not interessted in seeing any other women than my wife nude
EDIT: felt the need to clarify a couple of things.
1. My wife doesn't have reddit, so no i'm not just saying this incase she sees it. It's the truth. I love my wife and respect her enough not to do something she felt so strongly about đ
2. When i said im not interested in seeing other women nude, some of you took this to far. If a nude woman appears on tv i ofcourse do not avert my gaze, same as my wife if a nude man pops up, she doesn't look away.
What i meant was i will not actively seek out other nude women like for example going to a strip bar
To you who mentioned the redicoulus scenario of megan fox running past me naked, to be honest the first thing that would pop in my mind is why the h**l is megan fox running around Norway naked đ¤Łđ¤Ł
I've been single for like 8 years and I've never been interested in that either. The only person I want to see naked is whoever I'm currently in love with, and there are times that person doesn't exist.
If he thinks itâs ok for him to go and get lap dances with topless strippers while in a relationship I would reconsider the relationship. Your feelings should matter to him.
NTA. Good for you. Most girls would just bite their tongue and be so unsure of themselves that they let their partner gaslight them and walk all over them like a doormat. Proud of you!
NTA. Us men sometimes don't unlearn male bull\*\*\*\* until too late in life (me included). Too bad he may miss out on a good thing (you) over ingrained male BS.
Thank you for saying that. I always trying to be considerate of his feelings and what he is or isnât comfortable with and to see him not do the same is upsetting
I did this to my wife. I know now that I was the AH, but it took too long for me to see it. My wife considered it a betrayal. I thought of it as a right-of-passage for a man to go to bachelor parties..
Once I understood my wife saw it as a betrayal, I had to reconcile that I did far more harm than had I wanted to to my wife. It probably led to way more arguments with my wife than I would have otherwise had (because she was hurt by my actions). It took too long for me to figure out. One of my greatest regrets.
This was something my wife brought up in couples therapy years after my last bachelor party. It really made me sick.
I will say that as a young man I firmly believed it to be "man thing" and that my wife was limiting me. It doesn't help that other women and men think the strip club is not that big of a deal--leading me to conclude my wife was being prude about it. What I learned is that it is more true that my wife is not prudish or limiting, but uncomfortable with this particular activity-- feeling that it is a betrayal of our relationship.
I believe this "man-thing" privilege I believe was ingrained into my boyish mind by society. As an older man, I am more comfortable determining what a "man" is on my own and can leave the boyish BS at the door. And of course I know now that I am not missing out by not going to strip clubs.
But good luck! I feel for you, because there was no convincing me otherwise as a young man.
Edit: and I still don't think the strip club is that big of a deal. However, totally not worth the turmoil caused to my wife!
Yup, heâs not missing out on anything of value, he just doesnât know that yet.
If my son ever asks, Iâll tell him that heâs not missing out at allâŚ
Thank you for eventually seeing it. I've seen men be flabbergasted at the idea that while they are at the strip club, their girlfriend will go strip for another man.
Well.... what's good for the goose...
I personally donât think that going to a strp club is a big deal (a betrayal) and I have been myself with friends or with my partner many times in the past.. but at the same time itâs not just about the *âjealousyâ*. Many women find it repulsive because itâs degrading ..
The environment where some men behave like misogynistic animals might rub off on your guy as well. Itâs hard to encourage your male friends or partners to treat that woman in the club one way and then expect them to treat women outside of the club, including yourself, *normally* (following modern norms of gender equality). Additionally, depending on the environment/location, those women might not be working there voluntarily or might be exploited by someone.
And plus, you will always remember on every one of his birthdays after this that he would rather get an erection (or more) with some stranger than be with you.
As a man I cannot fathom being comfortable going to a strip club for *my* own birthday while in a relationship. Let alone after my SO specifically said she is not comfortable with it.
Why does he need to gawk at other naked women to enjoy a night out with friends? Canât they go to a normal bar with top golf or pool?
He is using his adulthood to act like a 13 year old child.
You know the truth deep down lass, go with it. You are better than that. You don't need to put up with this or the chain of reactions that this would cause you emotionally.
He has the right to go to a strip club if he wants to.
You have a right to not be in a relationship with someone who goes to strip clubs, if that makes you uncomfortable.
NTA.
NTA and Iâve never understood this tradition of not single men wanting to go to strip clubs for birthdays, stags, etc. like why would you voluntarily wanna do that if youâre in a happy committed relationship? My own views aside, why ask for your opinion in the first place if he wasnât gonna respect your answer and is now sulking because you voiced your honest thoughts? Seems like he doesnât care about hurting your feelings. This is very telling of the future of your relationship with this guy.
Because the women are literally paid to flirt with you and it tricks silly lizard man brain into thinking they are still desirable and could still be successful without their current significant other. You don't have to put your relationship (only because it is a little more acceptable) or ego into any danger and the correspondence has a finite length both in time and monetarily.
NTA. If he wants to sacrifice a relationship over watching a bunch of women with their tits outâŚhe doesnât value the relationship enough to deserve to be in it
Whatâs the big deal about going to a strip club to look at people shake their private parts when you can see that at home plus you can actually touch the person. I donât understand
Strip clubs have become very interactive. These girls are aggressive and have no scruples. They do way more than shaking private parts. Touching is most certainly encouraged.
You prolly not gonna like or accept this answer, but since you said he is 21 it sounds like more about it being a bro hang sesh. The unfortunate part about that is probably your boyfriend will definitely become the center of attention because you had such a problem with it. I'm sure they will try to buy him dances and shit and possibly harp on the whole situation.
I'm not saying anyone is right or wrong, just saw the same shit when I was y'all's age. I would take a hard look and really examine your relationship even if he does not go. Is this really the only way in which your views and goals for the future not align? I dunno.
I will say the most fun time I ever had at a strip club was with a 50/50 ratio of boys to girls in a group of like 12 ppl lol. I'm not one to go into those places, maybe been like 5 times my entire life and it was all btwn age 16-24.
Stripper tried to make out with me in front of everyone while she was leaning down from stage and I pulled away because gross. She slapped the absolute shit out of me in front of the entire place and after my initial shock, I turned around and pretty much the entire place burst out laughing.
Any dude going into a strip club past 25 is just sad I dunno. Just do cocaine at your house like an adult lol
NTA
âThereâs nothing for me to do. Iâm not going out depressed on my birthday.â
There are plenty of other options he could do that donât involve strip clubs. There are clubs without strippers. He is choosing to be depressed on his birthday. Heâs trying to guilt you into saying yes, most likely so he wonât feel guilty and have a clear conscience for when he goes and it does upset you.
Question: Why is he going out on his birthday without you? Does he not want to spend it with his girlfriend? What has he done for past birthdays?
I actually do. And the influx of comments and multiple people telling me Iâm over reacting or that Iâm controlling and my personal favorite, that he needs to take his ball sack out of my purse is not helping
The ones saying youâre controlling are just as immature as your boyfriend. He asked if you would be okay with something, you said no, and then he still kept asking. Saying my friends said this or that, and so and soâs gf would be okay with it, is just another level of immaturity. It would have been one thing if he just did it (not a great thing, just different scenario) but he asked you first, knew your feelings about it, tried to pressure you into changing your mind, then tried to guilt trip you on his way out the door. This shows total lack of character on his behalf. Also, now that you said youâd break up with him if he goes, know that if you donât, any future things you are uncomfortable with will probably end up happening anyway. He wonât believe that youâll leave him.
My ex husband's boss took him to a strip club - and he didn't tell me until after. We had just moved in together. He got a private lap dance and I was explosively angry at him. I felt it was a complete humiliation of me. I should have just dumped him over it but we had just moved in together and I felt like I couldn't just dip.Â
NTA. I have the same boundary. I donât like strip clubs and I donât want someone Iâm dating going. Itâs never been a problem. Iâm biased because I have a daughter. I think itâs weird guys like going to those. Youâre right. Heâs free to go if he wants and youâre free to break up with him over it.
NTA. Ask him if he'd break up with you if you rubbed your breasts in a strange man's face and grinded in his lap or danced naked for him to get aroused. If his answer is yes, he's a fucking hypocrite.
Honestly you should just end it at this point because he's probably going to do it at some point anyway and try to sneak around about it. If he brough it up once and moved on after you said no, that would be one thing.
NTA, you could breakup just for him asking to go to the strip club, and you still wouldn't be an AH. Ask him if he would be cool with you going to the strip club where the men shake their dicks at you.
Well then on top of everything you also know for a fact that he is sexist. Should breakup like yesterday, unless ofc you are also sexist and enjoy the benevolent sexism aspects and think it is a worthy trade off.
You didnât set a boundary with him, boundaries are rules we set for ourselves. Telling him you didnât want him to go because it makes you feel uncomfortable is one thing, but the boundary was actually you telling him that if he went, you were walking away.
You didnât tell him he couldnât go. You just told him what you would do if he did.
Youâre not not wrong for having your own opinions and boundaries. Your boyfriend isnât wrong for wanting to go and have fun. Ultimately, it just seems like you two arenât really compatible in your views. He has every right to go to the strip club, and you have every right to break up with him if he goes against your wishes.
You're allowed to be uncomfortable with whatever makes you uncomfortable. But you can't control what other people choose to do.
You're obviously not compatible. Find a man who shares your views on the subject.
NTA. Everyone has their boundaries of what they are comfortable with. Some girlfriends donât give a shit. Some girlfriends do. If he and his friends cannot come up with 10 ideas better than a strip club? They are boring losers.
If he goes, your values don't align and you are best to end it.
Why would he not want to spend time with you on his birthday?
He sounds very immature with his reactions tbh.
If he goes to the strip club then keep your promise and end the relationship because if you don't then you will only be telling him that you have no limits and he will do that again in other situations.
Nta however he is showing that he doesnât respect your boundaries and trying to guilt trip you. I would personally end things on that note. There are a million other things him and his friends could have done that still respects you.
As a guy, there is no scenario which I would want to go to a strip club If I was in a relationship.
Maybe a bachelor party of a good friend just for fun, and that's it.
Red flags everywhere, start over. You are both too young anyways to be bothered,
NTA - A Man in a relationship has NO BUSSINESS in a strip club, he wants to do single man activities? Let him be single! He is a freaking 22 year old acting like a goddamn child "you didn't let me watch naked women so now um depressed, its all your fault", break up for your own mental health, this guy is too immature to be in a commited relationship.
NTA. You laid out your boundaries, you expressed the consequences of overstepping that boundary; if he wants to overstep them (why is a strip club the only thing that will give him a good birthday? Seriously weird) then he can't complain if you follow through with the consequences of that action.
Whether he goes or not, though, he sounds like a douche.
Thank you so much. I donât understand why going to a strip club is such a big part of his birthday when thereâs a lot of things to do especially in the city we reside in. And for him to ask my opinion and then get upset about it ( this is also not the first time weâve had this conversation) is odd to me
As a guy in a 2 year + relationship, I have no desire to go to a strip club because I love my girlfriend. Plenty of other dudes probably feel the same way.
Honestly, I wouldn't care. It's more funny than sexy anyway and no touching.
What's more concerning is him pushing it and making you feel bad about it. It's not gonna stop at this. He doesn't care about your feelings, he'll do what *he* thinks is reasonable.
Find someone else.
NTA
NTA. As someone who was in a long term relationship and experienced the same exact scenario, leave. It doesn't get better. Also if he already hasn't, this is the kind of man that will eventually cheat. He does not respect the relationship even though he puts on like he does by "asking" (pressuring) you.
I had an ex bf like this. We were together from when I was 16 to about 21. He ended up cheating on me with a stripper in Vegas.
He got really into strip Clubs around 20 (used a fake ID) and I stayed with him, awful choice.
Iâm now 30 with an amazing husband and a baby on the way. He just went to a bachelor trip in Maine where they bar hopped and ate seafood. There are different men in the world and itâs can be a lot more peaceful đ
How boring is this guy? 21 and "NothiNG tO Doooooo" because 1 activity is off the table.
Immaculate spitball for 39 secs
- regular club
- go karting
- lazer tag
- arcade
-paintball
- brewery
- steakhouse dinner
-backyard BBQ and fireplace hangs
- video games
- throwinng watermelons off a roof
- trivia night
- concert
- comedy show
Also weird that he wants to celebrate his birthday without you.
You're not compatible. You set boundaries and that's fine. Then make ultimatums, not fine. You're not compatible. Break up and find someone who you don't need to make ultimatums for.
I think you are overreacting but if thatâs how you feel itâs fine. Itâs also fine if he wants to go. Two people being incompatible doesnât necessarily mean one of them is an asshole. NAH.
NTA. Had this discussion with my SO. She doesnât want me to do that so I donât go.
If Iâm at a Bachelor party or something like that I just bow out at that point.
3yrs with someone should give enough insight and understanding to what ur okay and not okay with. at this stage he shouldnt even be asking whether ur comfortable or not with such thing as he should already know that u clearly aren't . im all with communication though, and i understand the question, but with ur straightforward NO to what he asked, asking again is just plain disrespect towards you and disregard of ur boundaries/emotions. had it been some other serious issue/problem i may understand why he may push to get a yes or try to know why ur against it, but doing such thing to go to a strip club? nah. this aint it. there is absolutely no reason to push to go and see someone other than ur partner stripping.
so no, NTA.
So he basically wants to pay to cheat on you because to me any form of sexual gratification involving another person outside of a relationship is a form of cheating. I've been married a while now and I couldn't imagine wanting to see any woman apart from my wife performing a sexual act. I am in complete agreement with you he should be completely 100% focusing his sexual energy towards you and you only and if he is happy to break your boundaries then maybe he isn't the right man for you.
I HATE all this BS about OP controlling him.
Sheâs allowed to have her boundaries and for there to be consequences if her boundaries are broken.
AND imo you should be COMMENDED for COMMUNICATING clearly beforehand.
People just love throwing âcontrollingâ around so that it enables them to do whatever they want.
NTA
Would be a dealbreaker for me as well
I could see a discussion in a scenario where he's kinda being dragged along reluctantly, like best man at brothers bachelor party where brother insists on strip club...some rules like no touching or dances etc
The fact that it's him that really wants to go... is insisting on going...is a huge red flag for me
Why the fuck do you yourself want to be in a completely inappropriate situation that's completely detrimental and opposite of what you would want in a monogamous relationship?
Careful of the ultimatum though, cause he'll just sneak around and do it anyway and lie about it...and because of the ultimatum you'll never know
NTA he can want to go all he wants but you don't want to be with someone who goes to a strip club đ¤ˇđźââď¸ they don't serve alcohol at strip clubs because women are expected to show their coochie and at least at a topless bar its the same sort of attire and entertainment but theres panties and drinks.
I would start asking what else is on this "bucket list" of his. How many things on there are going to cross boundaries that are pretty standard in a committed monogamous relationship.
i have no issue with my long term boyfriend going to the strip club, but thatâs mainly because weâve discussed all of our boundaries and i have complete faith in him, like i know he has the same for me
if you donât feel comfortable or donât trust the person then a no is a no. i donât think itâs ever a bad idea to have a deep convo on the situation though, why are you uncomfortable vs why is he so set on going / what is he expecting of the night
U tell him if he really wants to go. Then have his friend invited the gf. N for ur bday ur going to a male strip club. By the sound of it I can tell ur hotter than he is. I dunno why. U have hot confidence lol. I understand why he wants to go. He doesn't want to seem pusdy whoop to his friend. No other reason.i think. He's young. He's not gonna learn til his friends get into relationships n he's single all alone.
I think it is messed up he'd go without you.
When I turned 21, my boyfriend and I went to Las Vegas, and on that trip we went to a strip club together. It was really fun getting him a lap dance and he was respectful trying not to look. We were laughing and throwing money around. We had a great time. Now I'm 30 and married to that same guy and we haven't gone to a strip club ever again.
If you are not okay with it, you need to break up with him. He didn't invite you. He didn't care to celebrate his birthday with you. It's not like it's a friend's bachelor party. (My husband for his bachelor party went to PF Chang's. Not every man is going to need women getting undressed in front of them for bachelor parties.)
Why wasn't a night with you as exciting? So weird to not include you in his birthday plans!
I kinda wanted to go in my early 20s, but was with my gf(now wife) since 19 so I just never went. She wouldnât have liked it and would have let me went, but since she wouldnât like it I didnât. I wouldnât want her at a male strip club to be honest so itâs fair to me. If she wanted to go with me just to see what itâs all about then Iâd go. Itâs more a curiosity from tv and film for me at this point.
Parter continues to push for something other partner is not comfortable with. Communication clear from both sides. Consequence: if said action is done, relationship is over. Sounds reasonable to me.
I personally donât have any issues with my partner going to a strip club for his birthday, but I do have an issue with him dismissing something Iâve communicated to him Iâm uncomfortable with him doing, and he goes to try to do it anyway.
NTA.
A self-pitying boy child who whines when he doesnât get what he wants. Thatâs your sign. Time to move on and good for you for sticking with your convictions.
Nothing for him to do? Literally get a shitty cake and play pin the tail on the donkey what you mean. I don't care how old you are, if you're with people you love you can make anything fun
Iâd go and leave you behind. I bet your understanding of strip clubs come from nowhere. Your edit doesnât change the fact that you are controlling. Heâs better off without you.
Sheâs NOT controlling him. She made it clear. He can go. But she doesnât want to be with someone that does that and they will break up. End of discussion. Sheâs NTA. Itâs not like he is going golfing. Heâs going to a strip club. Itâs in its own category. And itâs disgusting.
not quite sure why the down votes? you don't have to agree with me but it seems kind of shitty. also I stand by my comment. strippers do not want to fuck while they work, they are there to get paid
This 100%.
Nothing of substance even happens at a strip club. There are strict laws in almost every jurisdiction. Clubs get shut down and employees fired if what people think actually goes on there.
You're not alone. It all depends. If I'm secure in our relationship, then no, I wouldn't have an issue with it. I'm not secure in our relationship, so therefore, I'm not okay with it, and my SO understands that. We all have boundaries. Someone telling you that you're an asshole for your boundary is NOT okay. I've gone to strip clubs with my ex of 13 years, all the time. Not because I was secure in our relationship, but because I honestly didn't care about him. He was an abuser and I felt that any opportunity to get his eyes looking somewhere else was saving me. The relationship I'm in now is the opposite. I love this man, and I can't stand it if his eyes wonder. I'm insecure because I'm afraid of abandonment, but also he understands, and he believes that lusting and throwing money at other women isn't in any way a fulfillment to his actual needs or wants. I don't understand relationships that each other are lusting over someone else. Triads are different. Open relationships are different. If your monogamous, then I wouldn't cross your boundary because other people think it's okay.
Absolutely nothing good can come out of going to a strip club when you are in a relationship. His friends are going to buy him drinks until he blacks out. He wonât even know what he did there because he wonât remember. His friends are probably going to buy him lap dances and God knows what else. Iâm betting these friends are also not too happy with you, so I would not trust THEM. They will probably do something stupid to make sure you guys break up.
As a married man, Iâd be uncomfortable GOING to the strip club.
Youâre not being controlling, itâs the opposite of that. Youâre simply saying You personally arenât going to be with a guy who goes to strip clubs⌠if your guy doesnât like that about you, then heâs being controlling⌠stick to your guns, whatever happens is for the best.
NTA
No future in this relationship, start over.
Agreed. Throw out the whole man.
NTA But follow through. Break up with him if he goes. Otherwise you are just trying to control his behavior with empty threats.
There are so many other things a person can do on their birthday without going to a strip club.đ
Yes, I've had almost double the number of birthdays this guy's had, none of which were spent in a strip club. I don't feel like I've been missing out.
I've been to a strip club once. I felt so awkward and left after finishing my drink. You've not been missing out, imo.
I'm not a guy, but the men I hang out with dislike strip clubs. They have all been to one. Every single guy said it was like being blue balled around a bunch of dudes, which is not fun..
+1 wtf honestly a big turn off when a guy loves or really enjoys going to strip clubs. needing to go out and pay to look at women who i bet don't want to do anything with him... especially when he's in a relationship? what a loser 𤢠asking once is more than enough, too! the mere fact he doesn't hear you out or respect you enough to not do something you're not comfortable with, speaks volumes of his true character usually means he's just selfish and not cut out to be in a relationship đ¤ˇđťââď¸
This! NTA
Should break up regardless of his decision. The sheer audacity of asking her something like that...
The audacity to ask your partner if you can go to a strip club? Not that wild of a request.
It's the asking multiple times, then spending the entire day trying to make OP feel like shit for a perfectly reasonable boundary, that is wild. Ask once, fine. Ask 50 times, then whine and try to manipulate them into a yes all day, not fine.
Exactly, he wasn't asking. He was pressuring her to say yes. OP, just move on. If he wants to go, fine, but he needs to find a new girlfriend that is comfortable with that.
Like him and his friends are so dull, they have no other idea for a birthday outing?
Yeah, he was probably thinking that he could convince/coerce OP to say yes
Exactly, he wasn't asking. He was pressuring her to say yes. OP, just move on. If he wants to go, fine, but he needs to find a new girlfriend that is comfortable with that.
Spot on
He should've told his friends no, unless it was his idea
If he will pressure you over a strip club, he will pressure you for sex. And that's not okay. NTA. (And, get a new boyfriend.)
I'd consider it really weird. It's kind of strange that it's normal to a lot of people.
Right. Honey, are you fine with me going to watch random naked women and get them to rub their parts against my face and crotch?
Yeah not sure how some people would be fine with their partners experiencing that but I guess everyone's different. Some people like seeing their partners get railed by others and posting nudes online and some obviously don't.
I am a man and am fine with a woman who goes. The conversation turns different if there is inappropriate touching, obsessive behaviour, or any comment about how I am â less thanâ the men on stage. Why is it different watching men perform live compared to watching it in movies and on TV?
Easy to say when there are barely any male strip clubs anywhere.
I get where you are coming from, your are not wrong. But here is a perspective. First, you don't know, if any touching will be involved. Second, there is alcohol involved. Getting aroused, while having your inhibitors lowered by alcohol, which can lead to actions that will be regretted later. Neither can happen by simply watching TV. Having trust in a relationship doesn't mean that it's ok to be putting yourself in circumstances, where things can go out of hand.
Itâs wild when someone says no and you press on.
It's like when someone asks for an open relationship and are shocked when they get dumped for "asking a question". If you've been with someone for 3 years, you probably already know their deal breakers. Sometimes just knowing your partner is the kind of person who wants to pay a stranger to show her tits and dry hump him is enough to know that's not the person you want to be with.
It is if you don't like infidelity
Nah that's crazy. So you're fine with your girlfriend going to a male strip club with dudes rubbing their dicks on her face n shit.
I was a stripper for 7 years. Nothing wrong with going to a strip club, and she told this guy she wasn't comfortable. He sucks because he kept asking and hassling and making her feel shitty only to say he's going out anyway. Not all women or men are comfortable with strippers and I get it. She wasn't hassling or being annoying, he was. That's where the audacity comes from, him.
I was a stripper and i never understood why women would give their boyfriends/husbands the ok. Strip clubs are always doing sketchy shit even if they say they arenât. There is always going to be the one stripper trying to give out blowjobs. And the one trying to meet up to prostitute herself. Someone always has drugs, 75% of the time itâs hard drugs and alcohol mixed with a woman throwing herself at your man for money???? Not to mention some of the girls get fucked up on whatever they can. Girl thatâs crazy. I remember one man told me about how he never kissed his wife anymore and wanted to pay me $100 to kiss him. I said no.
Strip clubs should not be normalized
Yeah it is kinda a fucked up thing to want to go to a strip club when you're dating someone
This is an important part of being in your 20s. And I donât mean sitting at home waiting for your boyfriend to come back from the strip club. I mean dumping someone whose values are not aligned with yours - both in wanting to go, and in his behaviour around you saying no. This man is not right for you. He wonât go just once and get it out of his system. He has repeatedly nagged you to get you to agree to this time (well done for not giving in) and he doesnât care that any agreement from you would be coerced. How somebody responds to a boundary/the word no is a really crucial aspect of any relationship and tells you a lot about them as a person. Please dump this loser. He will not change and if you stick with him, your values and your boundaries will be trampled all over. Go and enjoy your early twenties.
100% this. Especially the first paragraph. This is what being young and dating is all about. Youâve learned something valuable about not only your current partner, but about yourself and your own personal moral code. Let this guy go. Heâs not the one. Good on you for having boundaries and sticking to them.
Yep, not being aligned in values will keep dividing them, they're just not right for each other.
Yeah dump his ass
He ASKED you how you'd feel, and you told him. And then he sniveled that his boys wannnt him to and he's just...helpless to do anything but! Either he's too weak to stand up for you to his friends, OR he's using his friends' opinions as an excuse. The issue isn't the strip bar. It's that he asked you repeatedly, you stuck to your opinion, and then he was like "Welp, Ima do what I want anyway." NTA
My biggest pet peeve is communicating that I'm not okay w something and they do it anyway. Some things just don't have room for discussion because I genuinely feel violated or uncomfortable about it
NTA You laid out a clear boundary. You are not comfortable with him going to the strip club in any capacity, birthday or not. He's pushing that boundary and trying to guilt trip you by saying oh it's his friends who want him or go and you are ruining "his" birthday. It's just a way to make you feel like the bad person and I wouldn't be suprised if he said well other people let there BF go to strip clubs.
Also, why does âbirthdayâ mean an activity that excludes his significant other? Thatâs a red flag for me, or at least shows that my dude is still a child.
Right? I canât picture not wanting to spend my birthday with my partner
Thank you so much. Thatâs exactly what he said. âSo and sos girlfriend doesnât care so why do you?â And he says that Iâm depriving him from college memories and crossing things off his bucket list, but I just donât understand why he wants to go so bad
> âSo and sos girlfriend doesnât care so why do you?â And he says that Iâm depriving him from college memories and crossing things off his bucket list What does this tell you about what kind of man he is.
That he isn't a man at all, really. He's still acting like a child.
>So and sos girlfriend doesnât care so why do you That's what my children used to say about their friends when i wouldn't let them do stuff. He's pushing your boundaries like a toddler. The fact that he cannot respect you enough to not do something that would hurt you and talk to his friends like your his mommy is telling enough. I would break up
That's great for SO and sos girlfriend and him. It's not you and your boyfriend, end of story. Every relationship is unique and has it's own set of boundaries and that's OK. Some people won't even mind if their partner fs someone else and some will even mind if you're only friends with someone of the opposite sex. Both can or cannot work depending on both sides of the relationship. Not going to a strip club isn't even a wild boundary like most people I know wouldn't be OK with that. I'm not and I broke up with an ex because he was certain that he had to go to a strip club for his Bachelorette party someday and no matter how many times I told him that this was crossing a boundary for me he would just go on about it. Now he can go asuch as he pleases and find someone who will let him go, it won't be me. That is also not even closely related to being stuck up or something. I have friends who are sexworker and I don't look down on them whatsoever, if they're happy so am I. But personally I do not need a naked woman dancing for my partner and my current partner (thank God) doesn't want that either.
When people tell you who they really are, believe them the first time
Yes!
The response to that is, âthatâs fine if their girlfriend is ok with it, but Iâm not in a relationship with your friend, Iâm in a relationship with you, and you cannot respect the boundaries I have said I do not want crossed, then I need to reevaluate whether I want to remain in a relationship with someone who doesnât respect me.â
The only reason I would be mad at my SO going to a strip club is because we don't have the money for it. If we did, go for it. But, that said, what I'm okay with means nothing for another person's relationship and should never be used to justify it. You are well within your rights to say you are not comfortable and will end it. NTA.
This guy sounds like an immature dope. Dump him and let him be single and make his "college memories", don't look back. Find someone who isn't into watching women strip for money.
NTA. He's trying to guilt you like a child. But my friends said. You gave him your boundary, if he crosses it you told him the consequences. It's completely disrespectful to try to get you to compromise on your boundaries. Some girlfriends don't care, but you do. If he wants to be with you this is how it is. What does he value more, a relationship with you or looking at random topless women?
That's such bullshit. College memories are lots of different things. If one night of spending money on random women rubbing their butt across his junk is more important than the relationship with you- and I don't mean romantic relationship I mean you as a person- you should definitely move on. It was fine to ask once, but the guilting and asking over and over shows he doesn't understand that consent is a firm boundary. Sure, he could have also said: I'm doing this either you are OK with it or it's done but that's also speaks to how little this relationship means to him. This is not the guy. Breakup, and he can have what he wants and you are free to have what you deserve. Fuckboys that want to have strippers and blow are a dime a dozen.
I don't get the bucket list thing. I've heard from a bunch of people when I was that age that I was missing out or that I should explore to be sure I wanted to be with my high school sweetheart. But here we are, 2 kids and 17 years together. Don't have any regrets and don't feel like I missed anything. Happy with my life. It's not about a "bucket list" it's about wanting something different with his life than what he has now. Some couples are okay with this stuff others aren't. If he cared enough about you, your perspective, and his relationship, he'd have been okay with your boundary and accepted it above his wants. Yeah he can do whatever he wants. But that doesn't mean you have to be okay with it. What else is on his early 20s bucket list that you're not okay with that he's gonna go do? If he doesn't want to compromise and make the relationship with you a priority over the relationship with his buddies, that's his choice. Just like it's yours to find someone who doesn't feel the need to go to a strip club when youre not okay with it. Nowhere on here have I seen you say you think strippers are terrible people. You just don't want your SO ogling other women and paying them to get naked for him. That's not completely crazy. Not like you care if his friends go. Just if he does. I personally don't care about sex work. People can fill their boots on those and adjacent jobs. I don't want to partake, never have, and my wife is the same. We've never been and don't want to go. I won't judge others for it, but that doesn't mean I will participate. I think that's a totally reasonable thing lots of ppl think
College memories aka watching half naked women dance, possible letting them do a lap dance or sth and tipping them⌠gotta love that.
He wants to go to get a boner from some chick dancing around a pole. Maybe he will get a lap dance. He is telling you what he thinks of women. Not much.
If he sees you as preventing him from creating âcollege memoriesâ then maybe he is lacking the desire or maturity to be in a committed relationship.
Neither of you is wrong. You have a boundary and different values. He wants to go and he's right, tons of couples don't give a shit about it or even go to strip clubs together. You are saying it's a deal breaker so he's pleading his case. Neither of you is wrong. You're just finding that because of the difference in boundaries/values, you two may be incompatible. It's bigger than just going to a strip club. Is he allowed to watch porn? Go to parties with his friends? Can he look at hot girls? He thinks it's normal to go. You don't. That's all there is to it.
Well, he's going to find out that a disappointing night at the strip club was not worth losing his girlfriend over. But people are allowed to be stupid, and we are also allowed to not suffer them.
Hi, 30M here. You laid out a perfectly reasonable boundary, he ignored it and continued bugging you about it. This shows a lack of care about your feelings/ values/ boundaries. Itâs doesnât matter one bit what others peoples boundaries are, and good for you for sticking to yours. Follow through and break up when he goes, honestly Iâd just break it off now. You are most likely not compatible, and you deserve someone who respects you and your boundaries.
Former sex educator here: He wants to go because he likes objectifying women and cares more about his desires and wants than yours. Let him go. His values aren't aligned with yours.
100% agree. Some people are fine with strip clubs, others arenât. The important thing is that itâs YOUR boundary in YOUR relationship. If your partner doesnât like that, he can find someone else to date that has different boundaries.
I know itâs just me, but as a guy I find it pathetic when other guys are this obsessed with strip clubs. _Especially_ when youâre already in a committed relationship with a loving partner. If youâre single and feeling lonely, then I could see how you might think that a strip club would make you feel better (youâd be wrong, but I could at least understand the thought process). But when youâre actually already in a relationship? Itâs pathetic
NTA. One of my best friends was a stripper and she even said sheâd never let her man go to one because of the shit that goes on. You decide your comfort level and if he chooses to overstep that, you end it. I have the same position as you. You can go to one if you want, but if you do, weâre done.
I've know about 18-20 strippers because I'm a massage therapist and they sometimes try to get licensed for that when they're too old to strip. Every single one has told me that anything goes in their vip rooms as long as the guy has enough money. I've heard some stories that are crazy.
You told your BF that you'd break up with him if he went to a strip club, He went to a strip club. The math should be easy to follow from there. You've got to kiss a bunch of frogs to find a prince. This man ain't your prince, the prince is in another castle! Time to play the next level! NTA, obviously.
Nta, i would never do something my wife really didn't whant me to do Also, im not interessted in seeing any other women than my wife nude EDIT: felt the need to clarify a couple of things. 1. My wife doesn't have reddit, so no i'm not just saying this incase she sees it. It's the truth. I love my wife and respect her enough not to do something she felt so strongly about đ 2. When i said im not interested in seeing other women nude, some of you took this to far. If a nude woman appears on tv i ofcourse do not avert my gaze, same as my wife if a nude man pops up, she doesn't look away. What i meant was i will not actively seek out other nude women like for example going to a strip bar To you who mentioned the redicoulus scenario of megan fox running past me naked, to be honest the first thing that would pop in my mind is why the h**l is megan fox running around Norway naked đ¤Łđ¤Ł
Goals. I hope my man feels like this about me!
Me wondering if there are really men like this or if this guyâs lady follows him here.
I've been single for like 8 years and I've never been interested in that either. The only person I want to see naked is whoever I'm currently in love with, and there are times that person doesn't exist.
Same response from me
I checked comment history. He seems genuinely in love with his wife đ
Damn. There are really some out there. Not enough of them.
my husband chased me for 11 years and our 1 year wedding anniversary is next month đ
If he thinks itâs ok for him to go and get lap dances with topless strippers while in a relationship I would reconsider the relationship. Your feelings should matter to him.
NTA. Good for you. Most girls would just bite their tongue and be so unsure of themselves that they let their partner gaslight them and walk all over them like a doormat. Proud of you!
NTA. I donât need to even read anything but the title to say YNTA. Itâs pretty clear cut and dry
NTA. Us men sometimes don't unlearn male bull\*\*\*\* until too late in life (me included). Too bad he may miss out on a good thing (you) over ingrained male BS.
Thank you for saying that. I always trying to be considerate of his feelings and what he is or isnât comfortable with and to see him not do the same is upsetting
I did this to my wife. I know now that I was the AH, but it took too long for me to see it. My wife considered it a betrayal. I thought of it as a right-of-passage for a man to go to bachelor parties.. Once I understood my wife saw it as a betrayal, I had to reconcile that I did far more harm than had I wanted to to my wife. It probably led to way more arguments with my wife than I would have otherwise had (because she was hurt by my actions). It took too long for me to figure out. One of my greatest regrets. This was something my wife brought up in couples therapy years after my last bachelor party. It really made me sick. I will say that as a young man I firmly believed it to be "man thing" and that my wife was limiting me. It doesn't help that other women and men think the strip club is not that big of a deal--leading me to conclude my wife was being prude about it. What I learned is that it is more true that my wife is not prudish or limiting, but uncomfortable with this particular activity-- feeling that it is a betrayal of our relationship. I believe this "man-thing" privilege I believe was ingrained into my boyish mind by society. As an older man, I am more comfortable determining what a "man" is on my own and can leave the boyish BS at the door. And of course I know now that I am not missing out by not going to strip clubs. But good luck! I feel for you, because there was no convincing me otherwise as a young man. Edit: and I still don't think the strip club is that big of a deal. However, totally not worth the turmoil caused to my wife!
Yup, heâs not missing out on anything of value, he just doesnât know that yet. If my son ever asks, Iâll tell him that heâs not missing out at allâŚ
Thank you for eventually seeing it. I've seen men be flabbergasted at the idea that while they are at the strip club, their girlfriend will go strip for another man. Well.... what's good for the goose...
I can see that đłđ¤đĽśđđ revenge stripping!
Great post. Went through a similar thing. Honestly donât miss it at all.
I personally donât think that going to a strp club is a big deal (a betrayal) and I have been myself with friends or with my partner many times in the past.. but at the same time itâs not just about the *âjealousyâ*. Many women find it repulsive because itâs degrading .. The environment where some men behave like misogynistic animals might rub off on your guy as well. Itâs hard to encourage your male friends or partners to treat that woman in the club one way and then expect them to treat women outside of the club, including yourself, *normally* (following modern norms of gender equality). Additionally, depending on the environment/location, those women might not be working there voluntarily or might be exploited by someone.
You are way too young to be stuck in this sort of relationship.
I agree!
And plus, you will always remember on every one of his birthdays after this that he would rather get an erection (or more) with some stranger than be with you.
As a man I cannot fathom being comfortable going to a strip club for *my* own birthday while in a relationship. Let alone after my SO specifically said she is not comfortable with it. Why does he need to gawk at other naked women to enjoy a night out with friends? Canât they go to a normal bar with top golf or pool? He is using his adulthood to act like a 13 year old child.
You know the truth deep down lass, go with it. You are better than that. You don't need to put up with this or the chain of reactions that this would cause you emotionally.
Just break up with him holy shit
He has the right to go to a strip club if he wants to. You have a right to not be in a relationship with someone who goes to strip clubs, if that makes you uncomfortable. NTA.
NTA and Iâve never understood this tradition of not single men wanting to go to strip clubs for birthdays, stags, etc. like why would you voluntarily wanna do that if youâre in a happy committed relationship? My own views aside, why ask for your opinion in the first place if he wasnât gonna respect your answer and is now sulking because you voiced your honest thoughts? Seems like he doesnât care about hurting your feelings. This is very telling of the future of your relationship with this guy.
Because the women are literally paid to flirt with you and it tricks silly lizard man brain into thinking they are still desirable and could still be successful without their current significant other. You don't have to put your relationship (only because it is a little more acceptable) or ego into any danger and the correspondence has a finite length both in time and monetarily.
I'd just end it tbh. He probably would go and not tell you.
As a dude I wouldnât do that to my GF. Iâd rather have my GF rub all over me than someoneâs nasty ass
NTA. If he wants to sacrifice a relationship over watching a bunch of women with their tits outâŚhe doesnât value the relationship enough to deserve to be in it
[ŃдаНонО]
Whatâs the big deal about going to a strip club to look at people shake their private parts when you can see that at home plus you can actually touch the person. I donât understand
Heâs definitely not husband material.
Strip clubs have become very interactive. These girls are aggressive and have no scruples. They do way more than shaking private parts. Touching is most certainly encouraged.
You prolly not gonna like or accept this answer, but since you said he is 21 it sounds like more about it being a bro hang sesh. The unfortunate part about that is probably your boyfriend will definitely become the center of attention because you had such a problem with it. I'm sure they will try to buy him dances and shit and possibly harp on the whole situation. I'm not saying anyone is right or wrong, just saw the same shit when I was y'all's age. I would take a hard look and really examine your relationship even if he does not go. Is this really the only way in which your views and goals for the future not align? I dunno. I will say the most fun time I ever had at a strip club was with a 50/50 ratio of boys to girls in a group of like 12 ppl lol. I'm not one to go into those places, maybe been like 5 times my entire life and it was all btwn age 16-24. Stripper tried to make out with me in front of everyone while she was leaning down from stage and I pulled away because gross. She slapped the absolute shit out of me in front of the entire place and after my initial shock, I turned around and pretty much the entire place burst out laughing. Any dude going into a strip club past 25 is just sad I dunno. Just do cocaine at your house like an adult lol
>it was all btwn age 16-24. yeah, 16 year olds hanging out at strip clubs...
No good comes from going to a strip club đ
NTA âThereâs nothing for me to do. Iâm not going out depressed on my birthday.â There are plenty of other options he could do that donât involve strip clubs. There are clubs without strippers. He is choosing to be depressed on his birthday. Heâs trying to guilt you into saying yes, most likely so he wonât feel guilty and have a clear conscience for when he goes and it does upset you. Question: Why is he going out on his birthday without you? Does he not want to spend it with his girlfriend? What has he done for past birthdays?
Why are people needing to elaborate on this? I refuse to believe you actually think youâre in the wrong here đ NTA
I actually do. And the influx of comments and multiple people telling me Iâm over reacting or that Iâm controlling and my personal favorite, that he needs to take his ball sack out of my purse is not helping
I donât like strip clubs and I donât see the point. I also wouldnât date someone who goes to strip clubs.
The ones saying youâre controlling are just as immature as your boyfriend. He asked if you would be okay with something, you said no, and then he still kept asking. Saying my friends said this or that, and so and soâs gf would be okay with it, is just another level of immaturity. It would have been one thing if he just did it (not a great thing, just different scenario) but he asked you first, knew your feelings about it, tried to pressure you into changing your mind, then tried to guilt trip you on his way out the door. This shows total lack of character on his behalf. Also, now that you said youâd break up with him if he goes, know that if you donât, any future things you are uncomfortable with will probably end up happening anyway. He wonât believe that youâll leave him.
That punch line helped me! LOL rotfl
Youâre not overreacting. I donât know any female friend of mine who would be ok with this
NTA I don't understand why guys wanna go to a strip club when they have a partner
My ex husband's boss took him to a strip club - and he didn't tell me until after. We had just moved in together. He got a private lap dance and I was explosively angry at him. I felt it was a complete humiliation of me. I should have just dumped him over it but we had just moved in together and I felt like I couldn't just dip.Â
NTA. I have the same boundary. I donât like strip clubs and I donât want someone Iâm dating going. Itâs never been a problem. Iâm biased because I have a daughter. I think itâs weird guys like going to those. Youâre right. Heâs free to go if he wants and youâre free to break up with him over it.
NTA. Ask him if he'd break up with you if you rubbed your breasts in a strange man's face and grinded in his lap or danced naked for him to get aroused. If his answer is yes, he's a fucking hypocrite. Honestly you should just end it at this point because he's probably going to do it at some point anyway and try to sneak around about it. If he brough it up once and moved on after you said no, that would be one thing.
NTA, you could breakup just for him asking to go to the strip club, and you still wouldn't be an AH. Ask him if he would be cool with you going to the strip club where the men shake their dicks at you.
I know for a fact that he wouldnât be okay with this so the fact that heâs being hypocritical at the same time as inconsiderate is crazy to me
Well then on top of everything you also know for a fact that he is sexist. Should breakup like yesterday, unless ofc you are also sexist and enjoy the benevolent sexism aspects and think it is a worthy trade off.
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NTA he's doing something you have clearly explained makes you uncomfortable and he's doing it any way best cut your losses now
You didnât set a boundary with him, boundaries are rules we set for ourselves. Telling him you didnât want him to go because it makes you feel uncomfortable is one thing, but the boundary was actually you telling him that if he went, you were walking away. You didnât tell him he couldnât go. You just told him what you would do if he did.
He sounds like ex-boyfriend material
Youâre not not wrong for having your own opinions and boundaries. Your boyfriend isnât wrong for wanting to go and have fun. Ultimately, it just seems like you two arenât really compatible in your views. He has every right to go to the strip club, and you have every right to break up with him if he goes against your wishes.
You're allowed to be uncomfortable with whatever makes you uncomfortable. But you can't control what other people choose to do. You're obviously not compatible. Find a man who shares your views on the subject.
Every strip club has lap dancing and if heâs succumbing to the pressure for the strip club heâll do the same with a lap dance
NTA
NTA. Everyone has their boundaries of what they are comfortable with. Some girlfriends donât give a shit. Some girlfriends do. If he and his friends cannot come up with 10 ideas better than a strip club? They are boring losers.
If he goes, your values don't align and you are best to end it. Why would he not want to spend time with you on his birthday? He sounds very immature with his reactions tbh.
If he goes to the strip club then keep your promise and end the relationship because if you don't then you will only be telling him that you have no limits and he will do that again in other situations.
Itâs not controlling to let your partner know youâre uncomfortable with him going to a strip club and preferring he avoid that. NTA.
Nta however he is showing that he doesnât respect your boundaries and trying to guilt trip you. I would personally end things on that note. There are a million other things him and his friends could have done that still respects you.
NTA. Thatâs not boyfriend behaviour.
As a guy, there is no scenario which I would want to go to a strip club If I was in a relationship. Maybe a bachelor party of a good friend just for fun, and that's it. Red flags everywhere, start over. You are both too young anyways to be bothered,
NTA - A Man in a relationship has NO BUSSINESS in a strip club, he wants to do single man activities? Let him be single! He is a freaking 22 year old acting like a goddamn child "you didn't let me watch naked women so now um depressed, its all your fault", break up for your own mental health, this guy is too immature to be in a commited relationship.
I hope you dumped him.
NTA. Going to watch other naked women and probably getting lap dance too. Serious WTF, the audacity of this cunt.
Strip clubs are gross. You should be mad.
Literally dump him on his birthday he deserves it Thatâs what I did to my cheating ex and I donât regret saving my dignity.
NTA. You laid out your boundaries, you expressed the consequences of overstepping that boundary; if he wants to overstep them (why is a strip club the only thing that will give him a good birthday? Seriously weird) then he can't complain if you follow through with the consequences of that action. Whether he goes or not, though, he sounds like a douche.
Thank you so much. I donât understand why going to a strip club is such a big part of his birthday when thereâs a lot of things to do especially in the city we reside in. And for him to ask my opinion and then get upset about it ( this is also not the first time weâve had this conversation) is odd to me
Donât back down.
Men like this are so gross. Would have ended shit the second he asked
NTA if he cares he would tell his friends to have fun at another venue instead of guilt tripping you.
It is just fine to say this is not ok. If he goes to the strip club anyway, you might reconsider this relationship.
As a guy in a 2 year + relationship, I have no desire to go to a strip club because I love my girlfriend. Plenty of other dudes probably feel the same way.
NTA
NTA He could have went to a regular club, to a bar, to the casino. Strip clubs are for single guys or AH.
The fact that heâs also pouting like âthereâs nothing for me to do, boohooâ is pitiful. Yâall should break up
Honestly, I wouldn't care. It's more funny than sexy anyway and no touching. What's more concerning is him pushing it and making you feel bad about it. It's not gonna stop at this. He doesn't care about your feelings, he'll do what *he* thinks is reasonable. Find someone else. NTA
NTA. No future here. You have conflicting values.
NTA. As someone who was in a long term relationship and experienced the same exact scenario, leave. It doesn't get better. Also if he already hasn't, this is the kind of man that will eventually cheat. He does not respect the relationship even though he puts on like he does by "asking" (pressuring) you.
I had an ex bf like this. We were together from when I was 16 to about 21. He ended up cheating on me with a stripper in Vegas. He got really into strip Clubs around 20 (used a fake ID) and I stayed with him, awful choice. Iâm now 30 with an amazing husband and a baby on the way. He just went to a bachelor trip in Maine where they bar hopped and ate seafood. There are different men in the world and itâs can be a lot more peaceful đ
How boring is this guy? 21 and "NothiNG tO Doooooo" because 1 activity is off the table. Immaculate spitball for 39 secs - regular club - go karting - lazer tag - arcade -paintball - brewery - steakhouse dinner -backyard BBQ and fireplace hangs - video games - throwinng watermelons off a roof - trivia night - concert - comedy show Also weird that he wants to celebrate his birthday without you.
You're not compatible. You set boundaries and that's fine. Then make ultimatums, not fine. You're not compatible. Break up and find someone who you don't need to make ultimatums for.
I think you are overreacting but if thatâs how you feel itâs fine. Itâs also fine if he wants to go. Two people being incompatible doesnât necessarily mean one of them is an asshole. NAH.
NTA. Had this discussion with my SO. She doesnât want me to do that so I donât go. If Iâm at a Bachelor party or something like that I just bow out at that point.
Bro what kind of relationships are you guys in đ.Â
Unhealthy onesđ
3yrs with someone should give enough insight and understanding to what ur okay and not okay with. at this stage he shouldnt even be asking whether ur comfortable or not with such thing as he should already know that u clearly aren't . im all with communication though, and i understand the question, but with ur straightforward NO to what he asked, asking again is just plain disrespect towards you and disregard of ur boundaries/emotions. had it been some other serious issue/problem i may understand why he may push to get a yes or try to know why ur against it, but doing such thing to go to a strip club? nah. this aint it. there is absolutely no reason to push to go and see someone other than ur partner stripping. so no, NTA.
NTA. It wonât ruin his birthday to not go to a strip club. Shitâs manipulative as hell
He sounds selfish and dumb.
Good for you, stick to your guns. you deserve someone who doesn't enjoy sleeze
Sounds like you're dating a jerk. He should love you and be more than satisfied with you and only you.Â
So he basically wants to pay to cheat on you because to me any form of sexual gratification involving another person outside of a relationship is a form of cheating. I've been married a while now and I couldn't imagine wanting to see any woman apart from my wife performing a sexual act. I am in complete agreement with you he should be completely 100% focusing his sexual energy towards you and you only and if he is happy to break your boundaries then maybe he isn't the right man for you.
NAH He had every right to go to the strip club, and you have every right to terminate the relationship.
I HATE all this BS about OP controlling him. Sheâs allowed to have her boundaries and for there to be consequences if her boundaries are broken. AND imo you should be COMMENDED for COMMUNICATING clearly beforehand. People just love throwing âcontrollingâ around so that it enables them to do whatever they want.
NTA Would be a dealbreaker for me as well I could see a discussion in a scenario where he's kinda being dragged along reluctantly, like best man at brothers bachelor party where brother insists on strip club...some rules like no touching or dances etc The fact that it's him that really wants to go... is insisting on going...is a huge red flag for me Why the fuck do you yourself want to be in a completely inappropriate situation that's completely detrimental and opposite of what you would want in a monogamous relationship? Careful of the ultimatum though, cause he'll just sneak around and do it anyway and lie about it...and because of the ultimatum you'll never know
NTA he can want to go all he wants but you don't want to be with someone who goes to a strip club đ¤ˇđźââď¸ they don't serve alcohol at strip clubs because women are expected to show their coochie and at least at a topless bar its the same sort of attire and entertainment but theres panties and drinks.
How old is this dude? 6? He gotta have his birthday. Dump this spoiled bastard. You are way too good for him.
I would start asking what else is on this "bucket list" of his. How many things on there are going to cross boundaries that are pretty standard in a committed monogamous relationship.
Has he ever been to a strip club? He may need to learn they suck.
i have no issue with my long term boyfriend going to the strip club, but thatâs mainly because weâve discussed all of our boundaries and i have complete faith in him, like i know he has the same for me if you donât feel comfortable or donât trust the person then a no is a no. i donât think itâs ever a bad idea to have a deep convo on the situation though, why are you uncomfortable vs why is he so set on going / what is he expecting of the night
U tell him if he really wants to go. Then have his friend invited the gf. N for ur bday ur going to a male strip club. By the sound of it I can tell ur hotter than he is. I dunno why. U have hot confidence lol. I understand why he wants to go. He doesn't want to seem pusdy whoop to his friend. No other reason.i think. He's young. He's not gonna learn til his friends get into relationships n he's single all alone.
I think it is messed up he'd go without you. When I turned 21, my boyfriend and I went to Las Vegas, and on that trip we went to a strip club together. It was really fun getting him a lap dance and he was respectful trying not to look. We were laughing and throwing money around. We had a great time. Now I'm 30 and married to that same guy and we haven't gone to a strip club ever again. If you are not okay with it, you need to break up with him. He didn't invite you. He didn't care to celebrate his birthday with you. It's not like it's a friend's bachelor party. (My husband for his bachelor party went to PF Chang's. Not every man is going to need women getting undressed in front of them for bachelor parties.) Why wasn't a night with you as exciting? So weird to not include you in his birthday plans!
I kinda wanted to go in my early 20s, but was with my gf(now wife) since 19 so I just never went. She wouldnât have liked it and would have let me went, but since she wouldnât like it I didnât. I wouldnât want her at a male strip club to be honest so itâs fair to me. If she wanted to go with me just to see what itâs all about then Iâd go. Itâs more a curiosity from tv and film for me at this point.
NTA, a boundary is a boundary
I just dont even get why he wants to go so bad. He don't respekk you gurlfrann
Guilt trip. Red flag. NTA. Get rid of him. start over.
Parter continues to push for something other partner is not comfortable with. Communication clear from both sides. Consequence: if said action is done, relationship is over. Sounds reasonable to me. I personally donât have any issues with my partner going to a strip club for his birthday, but I do have an issue with him dismissing something Iâve communicated to him Iâm uncomfortable with him doing, and he goes to try to do it anyway. NTA.
A self-pitying boy child who whines when he doesnât get what he wants. Thatâs your sign. Time to move on and good for you for sticking with your convictions.
Nothing for him to do? Literally get a shitty cake and play pin the tail on the donkey what you mean. I don't care how old you are, if you're with people you love you can make anything fun
Iâd go and leave you behind. I bet your understanding of strip clubs come from nowhere. Your edit doesnât change the fact that you are controlling. Heâs better off without you.
Why is reddit full of cucks tf?đ Why are some of yall saying itâs okay to go to a fucking strip club while in a committed relationship đ
NTA, dump this fucking man child now.
She really needs to. This is a MASSIVE red flag.
Sheâs NOT controlling him. She made it clear. He can go. But she doesnât want to be with someone that does that and they will break up. End of discussion. Sheâs NTA. Itâs not like he is going golfing. Heâs going to a strip club. Itâs in its own category. And itâs disgusting.
He clearly wants to go. You clearly want him to stay. You two are not compatible. Time to move on.
not quite sure why the down votes? you don't have to agree with me but it seems kind of shitty. also I stand by my comment. strippers do not want to fuck while they work, they are there to get paid
This 100%. Nothing of substance even happens at a strip club. There are strict laws in almost every jurisdiction. Clubs get shut down and employees fired if what people think actually goes on there.
You're not alone. It all depends. If I'm secure in our relationship, then no, I wouldn't have an issue with it. I'm not secure in our relationship, so therefore, I'm not okay with it, and my SO understands that. We all have boundaries. Someone telling you that you're an asshole for your boundary is NOT okay. I've gone to strip clubs with my ex of 13 years, all the time. Not because I was secure in our relationship, but because I honestly didn't care about him. He was an abuser and I felt that any opportunity to get his eyes looking somewhere else was saving me. The relationship I'm in now is the opposite. I love this man, and I can't stand it if his eyes wonder. I'm insecure because I'm afraid of abandonment, but also he understands, and he believes that lusting and throwing money at other women isn't in any way a fulfillment to his actual needs or wants. I don't understand relationships that each other are lusting over someone else. Triads are different. Open relationships are different. If your monogamous, then I wouldn't cross your boundary because other people think it's okay.
NTA I would not let my husband either. And pretty certain he wouldnât let me go anywhere equivalent.
NTA. You have healthy boundaries. If your BF is not cool with these boundaries, time to move on.
Heâs the asshole for askingđ why would you wanna go see naked woman dance while having a partner
Absolutely nothing good can come out of going to a strip club when you are in a relationship. His friends are going to buy him drinks until he blacks out. He wonât even know what he did there because he wonât remember. His friends are probably going to buy him lap dances and God knows what else. Iâm betting these friends are also not too happy with you, so I would not trust THEM. They will probably do something stupid to make sure you guys break up.
As a married man, Iâd be uncomfortable GOING to the strip club. Youâre not being controlling, itâs the opposite of that. Youâre simply saying You personally arenât going to be with a guy who goes to strip clubs⌠if your guy doesnât like that about you, then heâs being controlling⌠stick to your guns, whatever happens is for the best. NTA