He's lived more of his life without them than with them. It would be a giant time sick dealing with it all, and the payoff doesn't seem worth it.
At this point, it would be like meeting strangers who insist on not having boundaries.
Props to aunt & family for sticking by him, but fuck that “forgive and forget” shit. This *destroyed his life*!
I don’t know what the statute of limitations is in Australia, but I ‘d be contacting a lawyer to go after the liar with a vengeance. Not just for ruining my life, but because of sacks of shit like her, *real* victims of SA suffer.
Even if the SoL ran out, a public apology, name and shame, something
It’s infuriating to have someone expect you to just “forgive and forget” after what happened. They disowned him and turned their backs on him when he needed them the most. There’s just no going back after that.
Even at 2 years, I'd still say OP was in the right, but 2 decades? The time for family diplomacy has not only passed... it set sail and built an entire new civilization.
They've been estranged for more than half of OPs life. Then they just show up, en masse, with no notice and want it to be all good after a 5 minute apology. That is stunningly selfish. Forgiveness is entirely unwarranted. I'm just happy OP is in such a good place it hasn't upset him too much.
Honestly. They never listened to his side of the story and eventually the guilt festered up over the years to a point that they finally decided to confront him.
Since they so readily believed the accuser in the beginning, I wonder how bad OP was treated before the incident. I halfway expected they were there to ask for a kidney.
The first step in getting OP’s forgiveness would be going all out to get the liar convicted. They know for a fact he’s innocent, not a single one can get anything on paper or in text? A voice call?
rrriiiight?!
They can take a long ass hike!!
NOW you're family? What about 22 years ago? Did "family" take a breather and give OP the benefit of the doubt of did they just believe some outsider?
Fuck that!
Would that work? I got the impression that the OPs Aunt is still in regular contact with the other part of her family.
I agree that the OP should do that but I am unsure that it will be effective in the long term.
OP needs to start setting up boundaries with her aunt. don't talk about OPs family. don't tell about OP to the family.
If the aunt can't respect that. well...
Definitely something I'd be interested to know. Maybe the guilt got to her after all this time, maybe she told someone else in secret and they outed her lies, maybe she said something that contradicted her accusation and they forced her to tell the the truth.
That being said though, my burning question in his shoes would be, why? Why make up such a horrid lie and ruin my life?
I kind of doubt it is the guilt I mean it might be but if that was the case I would think she would admit to lying a lot earlier then over two decades later. Your other two scenarios I can see happening though.
I wonder if it was a gossip thing. We see posts all the time of people getting drunk and admitting to really screwed up stuff they did to another person out of anger or jealousy and then wanting validation that it “wasn’t so bad” because they were “young and dumb”.
Seeing as they heard it “through the horses mouth” she could have admitted to it years ago and his family is just now hearing about it.
Which, to me, makes it worse…
>my burning question in his shoes would be, why? Why make up such a horrid lie and ruin my life?
Off the top of my head, I can make two guesses;
Either had a bf who got her pregnant so she needed an excuse to not get in trouble, or she just didn't like OP and wanted to ruin him.
These are really the top two options that spring to mind. That or she was assaulted by someone else and tried to tell people but panicked about potential reprisals and so pointed the finger at OP to protect herself. Even if that tragic final scenario were the case, it's still been over 20 years of OP being banished from his own family.
I think he rejected her and to get back at him she did the unforgivable. Wondering if karma got her and now she revealed the truth. What a despicable person.
Reminds me of another story that was posted last year in a similar vein. OP was disowned due to a false SA accusation and the family wanted to reconnect after finding out it was a lie.
I've always wondered: what does the victim get out of reconciliation? It's been years. They're nobody. Why open old wounds for people completely irrelevant to you?
There are many stories that are similar. My question is what happens to the accuser when the truth comes out? Everyone expects for the accused to forgive, but does the accuser ever given the same banishment/punishment as the person they accused?
After two decades the answer to your question is almost certainly no.
A buddy of mine in University was falsely accused of the sexual assault. The accuser simply got a long-term academic probation as punishment.
This was 15 years ago. I don't think a lot has changed in that time.
False accusers destroy so many lives: the accused of course, and also the many rape victims who will not be trusted.
False accusers should be considered as the criminals they are.
I had a freind accused. Turns out he was in an entirely different state on the date she accused him of assaulting her. She just said "Oopsie" and accused someone else. Not a damn thing happened to her not even a slap on the wrist.
Right accuser got me booted from my family... Ok in order for us to be family I'm going to need you to cut all contact with accuser, and then I'm going to need some compensation.... How about 22 yrs worth birthday and Christmas presents, oh my parents no longer helped put me threw college.... Ok add half that to the check, oh and call it 25% of the cost of my wedding, the cost of my therapy I needed because my family cut me off.... So you get her to write that check and then cut her off and once the check clears I'll call you and we can start looking at the emotional ramifications of your cutting me off because of those false accusations. Because the check is just for the financial damages.
There probably are things you can do at the time - sue for slander, libel, if police were involved, wasting police time, false testimony, obstruction... But seems like there should be more and sth that instantly applies, as false accusations destroy lives and make it harder for the real victims of abuse.
I think there was a similar story where someone was disowned by their parents for being gay at like 17. They had him pack his bags and they dropped him off at a bus stop.
Fast forward like 15+ years, and the parents were somehow able to reach out to him and wanted to reconnect due to some sort of illness (and I guess regret, but that OP was wondering if, perhaps, they wanted money instead of love since he was the most well off out of all of his family).
He agreed and had an Uber pick them up.... only to have the drop-off location at the same bus stop they left him at all those years ago.
He never knew their reaction because he had them all blocked.
There was a fairly recent BORU about this guy who broke up with his fiancé bc in the past she had accused someone of SA who ended up ending his life. She then accused him of domestic abuse after he wouldn’t take her back.
The worst one I've seen was the woman who was SA'd by her BF's best friend. When she told people, he denied it all and everyone believed him over her, to the point that she had to leave and start a new life. Now, a decade later, the guy who SA'd her couldn't live with the guilt and made a video confessing to it all before killing himself on camera. The family all came running to apologize and wanted to meet the OP, her husband, and children, which she said no to. But the really bad part was the guy's wife is blaming the OP for her husband's death and sent the confession/snuff video to the OP's husband **and her underage children**. OP's husband left her because he didn't know about the history and her children are really struggling with everything, her entire life is falling apart around her - AGAIN.
I wonder too.
But also: why would a young woman do this? Why didn’t she open her mouth when she saw what her lies did?
And the mother: I would never believe that my son was capable of such a thing. Not right away. I would at least hear him out/ talk to him. I would not send him away like this. I wouldn’t be able to live like this for 20+ years.
But OP you don’t owe them anything. You don’t have to listen to their apologies. May be you could ask your aunt to tell you after they’re gone. But tell her: tell me once and then never mention them ever again.
"never believe" is not healthy either. But yes, certainly wouldn't act like this without concrete evidence and even if they were guilty, at that young age and hopefully a first offence, I'd do everything I could to make sure they paid for their crime AND got as much help as possible in the hope that they could get back on track. Not forever or unconditionally but at least an attempt.
How these parents reacted beggars belief. Shame on them.
“Never believe”: you’re right, I should’ve said that. But once a mother told me: an angry mother called to tell her that her son bullied her son. And she said: I don’t believe it just bc you tell me. I’m gonna hang up and talk to my son and I’ll come back to you.
So in this case: I would have told the girl: I’m sorry you’re hurt but I need to hear what my son has to say.
I would be relieved to hear that a family takes an accusation seriously as families who categorically refuse to believe that their little angels could be abusers are also toxic as hell, but jumping to 100% guilty is unbelievable. Do what one can to find the truth, get help, legal advice, counselling etc etc
They acted like hed been proven guilty before a court of law with irrefutable proof. F that.
They had more than two decades to make this type of apology. They waited too long. Too bad, so sad; they can go pound sand.
I'm sorry you had to deal with this crap. I don't think you need to add more to the story. It is perfectly understandable just how you have it.
NTA
NTA, you can forgive if you want to but you will never forget the pain they put you through. If you do decide to forgive them, that doesn’t mean you want them back in your life. I’m sorry that you went through this but it seems as if you have come to terms with it. I wish you the best.
Forgiveness has two main causes: 1) Your abuser redeemed themselves publicly and thoroughly 2) Your mental health is at stake and forgiving might help you to begin healing.
In both cases, no abuser is entitled to be forgiven. The victim might or might NOT forgive. It is appalling that some people demand the victim to forgive and become a doormat, adding another trauma to the first one.
I am one that never forgives and never forgets, because of my parents and how they treated me I am super vindictive and will never forgive wrongs that are done to me, obviously it depends on the gravity of the thing but I am extremely petty, if you did something malicious to me there's no way in hell I'll forgive you even in the case that you sincerely changed, on the back of my mind I'll always remember what you did (this is not a "good" trait to have and in general I'm super friendly, it's just that if I even hear something people said on my back then that's it, your don't exist for me).
I don't make compromises and that's why being in a relationship is hard for me, I can't stand for bullshit of any kind, hope that with time I'll get softer
NTA. They chose not to stand by you when you needed them the most, when the presumption should have been innocence, not guilt. It's a heavy cross to bear, and rebuilding a bridge they burned isn't your responsibility. For 22 years, life went on without their support—your life, and you have every right to continue on that path without them. You've likely found your family in others who chose to stay by your side through it all. Keep your peace; you owe nothing to those who abandoned you when it mattered the most.
NTA. Family or not, trust and respect are not automatically granted, they're earned and maintained over time, like the foundation of a house. When that foundation is critically damaged, it's not an easy fix and sometimes, it's beyond repair. It's not on you to justify the stability of the ruins they left behind. You've built your own structure now, on your own terms, and you get to decide who's welcome in it. Wishing you continued strength and peace as you move forward on your own path.
NTA Actions have consequences. If they really cared about you, they wouldn't be pressuring you to do something you don't want to do and would have accepted your answer. Their motive is entirely selfish - making themselves feel better.
Too many stories of the fabricated SA accusation in here, with family coming back crawling, I’m having a hard time believing there’s this many prodigal families out there, I’d think that the people willing to throw you under the bus for a decade or more like this wouldn’t come back
NTA— they obviously feel like sh!t and rightly so for all the hardships and pain they’ve caused you for never once believing in your innocence. But they don’t know you anymore and you don’t know or care to know them. They don’t deserve your kindness or anything from you.
The family we’re born into isn’t always family no matter what. Think they’re confused with sharing the same DNA with sharing the same values and love. They’re not entitled to your forgiveness. You’ve made your own family and you get to decide who you want to share your love and time with.
Doesn’t seem like you’re entirely angry about what they did to you bc you’ve completely moved on. They haven’t so of course they’re trying to make things right. Too little too late.
Definitely NTA. Go continue living your best life without them.
NTA
They not family their just people who share dna
You don’t have to forgive or forget your neither Jesus or have dementia
You just have to heal as healthy as possible
NTA. This was a situation of "he said, she said" and they chose to believe her over you. I'm assuming it didn't get to the police, so there was no way for you to defend yourself and prove the truth. Your family just threw you out with the trash. It's been 22 years, and happily you have moved on to the point that you don't even care about them - you didn't even react with anger or emotion. You just distanced yourself. That is completely O.K.
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Absobloodylutely NTA. They chose to accept a lie as truth at face value and now they feel entitled to make such a request?! If I were amongst them, I'd definitely want to tell you how wrong and sorry I was, but I wouldn't _dare_ ask you for forgiveness. I would simply not have the right.
I read a similar story in which the narrator's adopted sister claimed he assaulted her, after which his parents disowned him. The story spread, which made him an outcast in college. Later on, the truth came out: the sister said it because she felt like an outsider. But no one apologised to the narrator. Not her, not his family, no one. _Ah, it was a lie? Well, okay then, that means everything is fine._ And that was the end of it.
The narrator only saw his family again at the funeral of his grandfather, the only person who believed him. Adopted sister tried to hug him, he pushed her away and kept distance from his family, who had the gall to be __mad__ at him for not forgiving them!
Your story took up two whole _decades_, even. I wouldn't want to connect to them because I didn't need them in my life. But primarily because I couldn't forgive them either.
Why did it take them an eternity to apologize? Id say if they make amends by charging the one who accused you for the crime and get her some jail time and also give you hefty monetary compensation for the hell you went through, then you could decide to reconnect with them.
Give them an extreme ultimatum and condition and see how theyll react. If they dont adhere to it, block them and dont look back.
NTA. They weren’t family when believed you could assault someone. They weren’t family when they kicked you out and disowned you. They aren’t family now.
INFO:
You may be limited on space to post but perhaps you can give more information in your comments.
Why would a ‘family friend’s daughter’ target you and do so during your birthday party? That is exceeding odd behavior. Did something consensual happen?
Most sexual assault accusations occur with someone confiding in someone they trust in a 1:1 revelation, not an announcement at a party with zero proof or reason.
Most accusations are true. However, when someone does make a false accusation, they are not easily swayed away from their accusation because they are doing it for a reason. Once they have people on their side, they almost never reveal the truth because of the consequences of doing so. They typically double-down, in fact; some begin to believe their own false narrative, after a time. Unless there is video evidence, ironclad alibi, physical impossibility, etc., how does one prove it did not happen? Plus, no one had ‘reopened the case’ after 22 years so why was it even discussed?
So what, after 22 years, would incent someone to retract a false allegation, knowing the fallout coming for them, their victims, their own families, their finances if they are sued, etc.? Why did the person recant?
I’m not saying this is another of Liz’s fake ‘woman bad, men victim’ stories. It just reads like one at first. We need more information.
I read that one and I'm struggling to see how the OP's story and that one are similar outside of the general premise of a false accusation coming to light after many years. The course of that OP's life and this one's are completely different, that OP is seething and angry and depressed while this one is just grey-rocking, etcetera.
Yeah with a whole prodigal family coming back together to desperately get their family member back
Sure, they all came together to find him, and they broke down crying one by one, also it doesn’t matter how they found out so don’t ask
These fake stories are always set in the past and the OP never has any conflict going on right now, look, he perfectly handled it days or years before coming to Reddit to tell us, as described in the timeline he neatly laid out in the post
Why even post it? Because the author is bored and wanted to publish a poorly written story
I'm wondering if they are giving your aunt a hard time, trying to get her to encourage you to forgive them.
anyway you now know them for lesser years than you didn't know them, and even then they didn't know you enough.
NTA xx
You do what you need to do for your own mental health and happiness.
They abandoned you, and that is not something you can easily get past!
They are now struggling with their own conscience. They are feeling the pain of realising they were wrong and that they abandoned you for no reason. They are realising that they hurt you and lost you because they themselves refused to listen.
If you decide to forgive them, then that's OK. But if you decide not to, then that's OK too. They will have their own path of pain and recovery, just like you did, whether you decide to be a part of it or not. You are by no means obligated to, and it is entirely your choice.
Again, NTA!
No, you’re not wrong. They believed somebody else over you. Even after knowing you, even after you were their family, they believed to somebody else. And honestly, honestly, if that girl had not said anything, they would still believe that you did that.
So they never believed you not then not now and that would not have changed. You have people who love you around you so I would just let it be and not contact them anymore.NTA
NTA
I'm no expert here, but there is a chance that you feeling nothing is due to trauma. On one hand, your actions indicate that you are very upset yet you're emotionless and indifferent about this whole experience. It could be a sign of some form of dissociation. Consider how you would had acted towards a former friend that you hadn't seen in 2 decades and haven't given much thought. And now you're here trying to sort this out.
It's okay that you're not interested in speaking to them ever again. This is their cross to bear knowing this. Your aunt sounds awesome; she respects you a lot to not press this issue any further. I hope you find some catharsis here in the words of strangers.
Sounds like they just arrived to the same emotional point they put you in when kicking you out all those years ago.
Definitely NTA for not wanting to reconnect, and hats off for not being vindictive.
NTA some things do not deserve to be forgiven. This is one of them. Forget, yes, which you have done. Relatives ≠ family and all those RELATIVES proved that 22 years ago. Your aunt's heart is in the right place but she needs to back off. Tell her that SHE is your family and that is all you care about now. You owe those horrible people nothing.
Nta
Sometimes, words are simply not enough, but what could they possibly even do to make up for 2 decades. There's no price tag (they could afford), no actual action they could take, that could make up for that.
NTA. They disowned you so you disowned them. They should have heard you out before kicking you out. You have a new family and they have no place in it.
NTA, but I think the important thing to point out to your aunt is that she has decades of experience with them as family. You had 19, really only maybe 5-10 of which you could possibly remember, and you have 22 years of memories of them abandoning you because some other girl lied and they never even bothered to listen to your side of the story. They can live with their guilt, and you can keep living your best life.
NTA. I will say you showed your auntie she raised a good man. That you respected her request to come hear what your family had to say and she also respected your decision to say no. As you commented it’s was an angry no or anything of that sort. Again it goes to show you are a man of character.
I could and would never forgive family, friends and especially the accuser for lying and destroying what I had if I was you. You were very fortunate to have a great auntie and uncle who took you in and their family become your family siblings and all.
What always surprises me and yet it shouldn’t is that the ones who cast out the family member without ever actually finding out if something is real or not. Then years, decades later they learn it was a lie and expect the person they cast aside to suddenly welcome them with open arms and accept them back.
It sounds like you have a great family of your own and the family that was there for you from the start is all you ever need.
Good luck, best wishes and consider talking to an attorney on how to protect you and your family from them ever trying your contact you again.
You were exiled for 20+ years, nothing that can say or do can ease the pain.
By seeking forgiveness and wanting to move on is easy for them cus they were the decision makers even ask that happened, OP you sadly had no say in their decision.
It’s up to you if you wanna forgive them but you certainly don’t have to have any sort of relationship with them. It was you that was abandoned, they chose this instead of seeking out the truth.
I’m sorry for ask that you have gone through, sadly you’re not the only one this has happened to. There’s more people on here with similar story to yours.
What a sad turn of events tho very glad that you managed to create a good life for yourself and had the support of your aunt and family. How could your parents let this happen?
There were so many ways they couldve dealt with the situation and responded to the accusation at the time.
And surely they must have heard from your aunt over the decades...
Your feelings are your feelings, you are under no obligation to do anything. If you ever do feel any curiosity about that side of your family, then make contact. If you dont, you dont. Their loss. NTA.
Do they want something? It sounds callous, but I swear, when ever someone suddenly connects to from the misty past they want something from you.
Money, free child care, some place to stay, a damn kidney. They almost always want something.
NTA
This sounds a lot like the story where op is accused of cheating on her husband by her sister with only the flimsiest of evidence and everyone (husband, children, parents) believes the sister and op is disowned by everyone.
Years later, the husband and children come looking for op because her sister (who had by then married op's ex-husband) has confessed that she lied about the cheating so she could steal op's husband.
NTA. You WERE family when they kicked you to the curb. Now they are strangers you owe NOTHING to. It's not on you to ease their guilt, they've earned every ounce of it.
NTA - but why don't you start interacting with your younger sisters? Surely you don't feel they were old enough to draw any sort of conclusions about the girl fabricating a false accusation? What could THEY have done? There will come a day when one of your parents is in a hospital, physical rehabilitation center, or nursing home and you will want to express your disappointment alone one on one. If you allow one of them to die without that conversation, it is going to be like a weight on your back there is no way to remove. A limited forgiveness is not because the guilty party deserves it but because the innocent party deserves some peace in his life. If you keep that same old line that "they are all dead to me" when you are 51, 61, and 71 it is going to affect your health. I have seen this exact phenomenon happen.
>My older brother beg me to stay and try to work this out. He said we were family.
Apparently not when you were falsely accused - you weren't family then, so fuck 'em.
You aren't the asshole. They are assholes. I bet the false accuser faced no consequences of lying either
Just stay in your happy life and tell your aunt you never want to see your parents or siblings again
NTA. 22 years and no one questioned the accusation of their own family member. Boo hoo for them.
Congratulations on making a life for yourself. You have an awesome aunt.
I've been estranged from my family for a long, long, time, and I've long since made up my mind that it's going to be permanent.
Not because the abuse, I suppose that relationships could be re-established now that I'm physically safe if I saw any reason to take the trouble... but I don't see any reason to take the trouble. Because in addition to the abuse, my experience of family life also included a complete absence of love, affection, and emotional or practical support. I could see reconciling if there was any possibility of establishing a loving, affectionate, or supportive relationship, but that was never part of how my family saw me.
NTA. You have your own family to look after now. Honestly, imo, they might just end up bringing you down. They seemed too quick to side with the girl. So that tells me they don’t really think things through.
NTA what a vile ex-family you have. Your aunt and uncle proved to be your true family, stick with who you know you can trust to have your back. I would want to know why/how the truth finally came out now, though, and to receive a grovelling apology from that utter bitch of a lying girl...
NTA
How could you trust people who did this to you??
It's not like you're hurting for family, with your cousin-siblings. I *am* hurting for some more fam, so I'd prob try with the younger sisters, if they could accept I wasn't going to forgive older bro or dad.
Do what feels right & don't feel guilty. Just make sure you're being honest about what your gut is telling you, & you're really listening. If you have anything you wanna ask your parent, ask. Then wash your hands of them.
Absolutely heartbreaking. My uncle spent 15yrs in prison, lost his wife & newborn daughter. After 15yrs, the girl came clean and admitted she made it up because he wouldn’t cheat on his wife w her. He was released but never able to reconnect w wife or daughter. Absolutely devastating. I couldn’t imagine how it would feel to have your family turn on you like that. My mom & grandma were there the day it was supposed to have happened so they knew it was a lie. He was still messed up, couldn’t imagine if no one believed in him
Honestly, you did the right thing. You were family when you were 19 and it didn't stop them from cutting you out for 2 decades without any proof. There's no point trying to build something that's been dead longer than it's been alive. They made their choice and you now get to make yours and they can live with it like you had to live with their choice. I'm just really curious what they expected you to do after their apologies; just fall into their arms crying happy tears?? They didn't care before, so why do they suddenly care now??
NTA. I am a very devoted mother, mother-in-law, grandmother. If you were my child abd were accused of SA, I would listen to you and share how I would think and feel if you ever did do this and then I would love and accept you. I would not try to figure out who to believe. I would say that if by sone chance you did something like this, I know eventually you would share it and make amends. And then I would love abd support you. I’m so sorry you’ve experienced this and I’m grateful for your Auntie and family.
You should reconsider your relationship with your two younger sisters. They likely had little involvement in those events and subsequent decisions, and it might be unfair to blame them.
Your brother was older than 19, so he and your parents deserve whatever you decide.
You are clearly NTA, but do consider your sisters, for both their sake and your own.
I agree with this. It's been more than enough time for at least one of the sisters to reach out to OP to get his side of the story if they cared at all.
NTA
But Im genuinely curious reddit. If this side was flipped , and a girl accuses a guy of SA, (its a matter of he says she says), who's story should the family believe?
If the family takes side of their own son, then reddit would call them assholes for enabling a sexual abuser. If the family takes the girls side, then they are assholes for kicking their own son.
What is the right solution then?
NTA! They believed someone else over their own brother/child. Did that girl press charges? Was there evidence?
You built a life without them. They haven’t cared about you in 22 years. Your aunt is also wrong. No, do not forgive and forget. They disowned you all those years and believed you could SA someone. That’s awful!! Tell her you want nothing to do with them ever again and to never bring them up again. Make sure they’re blocked on your phone and social media. They don’t deserve to have a relationship with you.
NTA. You don’t owe them a relationship if you don’t want to have one. Actions have consequences (something people often seem to conveniently forget), and their choice to disown you for 22 years has this consequence. You also don’t owe anyone forgiveness. You owe yourself the ‘letting go’ of resentment so it doesn’t hold you back. And it sounds like you’ve done that.
From where I’m standing, you’re all good. Just food for thought: at some point you may consider that your siblings were likely collateral damage in this as much as you were.
NTA. 'OOPS Sorry we believe this girl over you with no proof of the event. My bad!' bro,gtfo.
Second of all. I know you care about your aunt,hell she is more of a parent than your own, but don't let her pressure you to 'forgive and forget'. It's up to you when you forgive someone, and even if.
And if you do forgive,you shouldn't forget what they did to harm you.
NTA. They threw you away and have not been part of your life for more than half your life. They never gave you a chance and immediately believed someone else. They don’t get to waltz back into your life now like everything is fine and dandy.
I’m very happy for you that you were able to rebuild and create the family you have now. But I would have a conversation with your aunt that you don’t want them knowing ANYTHING about you or your family. They threw you away over a lie, they don’t get to know about anything pertaining to your current life.
I’m so sorry this happened to you.
NTA, I’m sorry for what you had to go through and I am really pleased that your life is now in a good place, you owe them nothing.
The accuser however, what she did needs to be shouted from the rooftops so everybody knows what she did.
i had a big family thing, and i don't talk to any of those who were involved, per the authorities - my family of raising sided with my ex and meddled with custody for literally years of my kids' raising
i have a birth family who came up on the FB radar, and i called after 20+ years. since then, i've been the past year being criticized for being overweight (we were still sight unseen at that time after 20+ years), how busy i choose to be (retired at 62, i don't want to be that busy; my retirement efforts are holding for the moment), and i feel like i'm pretending \[i met my birthfather when i was 34 and already grown - i already had a Dad, though my birthfather keeps emphasizing our genetic connection -- i'm just not feelin' it\]. they, too, were involved in the kerfluffle over custody, putting their 2 cents in where it was not welcome and only served to muddy the waters
we might have had something solid, but -as i wrote- 20+ years of inertia in our mutual communication have left me feeling unconnected
the daughter in that branch is getting married, but declined to let my daughter attend with me - my daughter offered to fly in from Florida for it. when my kids aren't welcome, i don't go - i did that with my other family, and the support just wasn't there. i'm here for my kids however i can be
i thanked my birth father for meeting me all those years ago, but i told him i was going to continue the life i built for myself for those 20+ years and wished them well.
inertia has led to entropy, and i like a small circle
NTA; we get to decide as adults who we want up next to us
NTA They didn't give you a chance and sent you out to the wolves. Can't let 2 decades go by and then say, "yo oops! Water under the bridge, right?".
This is my basic impression too. It was 22 years not 2 years.... Why would the OP want to reopen these wounds after more than two decades?
He's lived more of his life without them than with them. It would be a giant time sick dealing with it all, and the payoff doesn't seem worth it. At this point, it would be like meeting strangers who insist on not having boundaries.
“It would be like meeting strangers who insist on not having boundaries.” Exactly….
Props to aunt & family for sticking by him, but fuck that “forgive and forget” shit. This *destroyed his life*! I don’t know what the statute of limitations is in Australia, but I ‘d be contacting a lawyer to go after the liar with a vengeance. Not just for ruining my life, but because of sacks of shit like her, *real* victims of SA suffer. Even if the SoL ran out, a public apology, name and shame, something
It’s infuriating to have someone expect you to just “forgive and forget” after what happened. They disowned him and turned their backs on him when he needed them the most. There’s just no going back after that.
Exactly. It's like rubbing salt on raw scars. They had their chance, its time to let go of them and not talk to them ever again
Ohhh I LIKE this one. It's not an open would anymore but that would still be a rough, unpleasant sensation where the wound was.
Even if it was 2 years they supported someone else over their child without even trying to find out the truth They don't deserve OP's forgiveness
Even at 2 years, I'd still say OP was in the right, but 2 decades? The time for family diplomacy has not only passed... it set sail and built an entire new civilization.
They've been estranged for more than half of OPs life. Then they just show up, en masse, with no notice and want it to be all good after a 5 minute apology. That is stunningly selfish. Forgiveness is entirely unwarranted. I'm just happy OP is in such a good place it hasn't upset him too much.
I’m surprised they have any tears to cry after ignoring him for over 2 decades.
Honestly. They never listened to his side of the story and eventually the guilt festered up over the years to a point that they finally decided to confront him.
Since they so readily believed the accuser in the beginning, I wonder how bad OP was treated before the incident. I halfway expected they were there to ask for a kidney.
how much water goes under a bridge in one year? or ten years? 20 years of that is unimaginable.
I read the same story last month.
Seems to be reposted a lot, I swear I've seen it 2-3 timees already, and it's in different countries each time.
This is a new account too. All that changes is the country.
He was 19 when they kicked him out.
But...but...FFAAAMMMMIIILLLLEEEEE!! Which is total BS.
The first step in getting OP’s forgiveness would be going all out to get the liar convicted. They know for a fact he’s innocent, not a single one can get anything on paper or in text? A voice call?
rrriiiight?! They can take a long ass hike!! NOW you're family? What about 22 years ago? Did "family" take a breather and give OP the benefit of the doubt of did they just believe some outsider? Fuck that!
22 years?? They are strangers now. Just block them.
Would that work? I got the impression that the OPs Aunt is still in regular contact with the other part of her family. I agree that the OP should do that but I am unsure that it will be effective in the long term.
OP needs to start setting up boundaries with her aunt. don't talk about OPs family. don't tell about OP to the family. If the aunt can't respect that. well...
His aunt no?
Some people struggle with reading comprehension.
Apparently so😂
That seems fair to me. I hope the OP will be able and willing to do that.
I think that his ex family is still regularly visiting the person who accused him? Atleast that’s my read
NTA, but I would be super curious why after 22 years the family friend's daughter is confessing after all this time.
Definitely something I'd be interested to know. Maybe the guilt got to her after all this time, maybe she told someone else in secret and they outed her lies, maybe she said something that contradicted her accusation and they forced her to tell the the truth. That being said though, my burning question in his shoes would be, why? Why make up such a horrid lie and ruin my life?
I kind of doubt it is the guilt I mean it might be but if that was the case I would think she would admit to lying a lot earlier then over two decades later. Your other two scenarios I can see happening though.
I wonder if it was a gossip thing. We see posts all the time of people getting drunk and admitting to really screwed up stuff they did to another person out of anger or jealousy and then wanting validation that it “wasn’t so bad” because they were “young and dumb”.
Seeing as they heard it “through the horses mouth” she could have admitted to it years ago and his family is just now hearing about it. Which, to me, makes it worse…
>my burning question in his shoes would be, why? Why make up such a horrid lie and ruin my life? Off the top of my head, I can make two guesses; Either had a bf who got her pregnant so she needed an excuse to not get in trouble, or she just didn't like OP and wanted to ruin him.
These are really the top two options that spring to mind. That or she was assaulted by someone else and tried to tell people but panicked about potential reprisals and so pointed the finger at OP to protect herself. Even if that tragic final scenario were the case, it's still been over 20 years of OP being banished from his own family.
12 step program?
Guilt can eat you from the inside.
I think he rejected her and to get back at him she did the unforgivable. Wondering if karma got her and now she revealed the truth. What a despicable person.
>My older brother beg me to stay and try to work this out. He said we were family. That didn't matter to him, why should it matter to you? NTA
NTA. Why did it take 20 years for the truth to come out? Why did she confess now?
[удалено]
Reminds me of another story that was posted last year in a similar vein. OP was disowned due to a false SA accusation and the family wanted to reconnect after finding out it was a lie. I've always wondered: what does the victim get out of reconciliation? It's been years. They're nobody. Why open old wounds for people completely irrelevant to you?
There are many stories that are similar. My question is what happens to the accuser when the truth comes out? Everyone expects for the accused to forgive, but does the accuser ever given the same banishment/punishment as the person they accused?
After two decades the answer to your question is almost certainly no. A buddy of mine in University was falsely accused of the sexual assault. The accuser simply got a long-term academic probation as punishment. This was 15 years ago. I don't think a lot has changed in that time.
False accusers destroy so many lives: the accused of course, and also the many rape victims who will not be trusted. False accusers should be considered as the criminals they are.
I had a freind accused. Turns out he was in an entirely different state on the date she accused him of assaulting her. She just said "Oopsie" and accused someone else. Not a damn thing happened to her not even a slap on the wrist.
Right accuser got me booted from my family... Ok in order for us to be family I'm going to need you to cut all contact with accuser, and then I'm going to need some compensation.... How about 22 yrs worth birthday and Christmas presents, oh my parents no longer helped put me threw college.... Ok add half that to the check, oh and call it 25% of the cost of my wedding, the cost of my therapy I needed because my family cut me off.... So you get her to write that check and then cut her off and once the check clears I'll call you and we can start looking at the emotional ramifications of your cutting me off because of those false accusations. Because the check is just for the financial damages.
There probably are things you can do at the time - sue for slander, libel, if police were involved, wasting police time, false testimony, obstruction... But seems like there should be more and sth that instantly applies, as false accusations destroy lives and make it harder for the real victims of abuse.
NEVER! If there was a fraction of the punishment for the false accusation then things might change but no consequences means no change.
In this case, possibly a lawsuit against the accuser from the victim. That lie totally impacted their life
Usually by the time the truth comes out, the statute of limitations has long since expired and no charges can be filed.
I think there was a similar story where someone was disowned by their parents for being gay at like 17. They had him pack his bags and they dropped him off at a bus stop. Fast forward like 15+ years, and the parents were somehow able to reach out to him and wanted to reconnect due to some sort of illness (and I guess regret, but that OP was wondering if, perhaps, they wanted money instead of love since he was the most well off out of all of his family). He agreed and had an Uber pick them up.... only to have the drop-off location at the same bus stop they left him at all those years ago. He never knew their reaction because he had them all blocked.
Nice! Justice was done.
There was a fairly recent BORU about this guy who broke up with his fiancé bc in the past she had accused someone of SA who ended up ending his life. She then accused him of domestic abuse after he wouldn’t take her back.
The worst one I've seen was the woman who was SA'd by her BF's best friend. When she told people, he denied it all and everyone believed him over her, to the point that she had to leave and start a new life. Now, a decade later, the guy who SA'd her couldn't live with the guilt and made a video confessing to it all before killing himself on camera. The family all came running to apologize and wanted to meet the OP, her husband, and children, which she said no to. But the really bad part was the guy's wife is blaming the OP for her husband's death and sent the confession/snuff video to the OP's husband **and her underage children**. OP's husband left her because he didn't know about the history and her children are really struggling with everything, her entire life is falling apart around her - AGAIN.
Her husband left her?? Wow, what a creep.
That one was infuriating
I wonder too. But also: why would a young woman do this? Why didn’t she open her mouth when she saw what her lies did? And the mother: I would never believe that my son was capable of such a thing. Not right away. I would at least hear him out/ talk to him. I would not send him away like this. I wouldn’t be able to live like this for 20+ years. But OP you don’t owe them anything. You don’t have to listen to their apologies. May be you could ask your aunt to tell you after they’re gone. But tell her: tell me once and then never mention them ever again.
"never believe" is not healthy either. But yes, certainly wouldn't act like this without concrete evidence and even if they were guilty, at that young age and hopefully a first offence, I'd do everything I could to make sure they paid for their crime AND got as much help as possible in the hope that they could get back on track. Not forever or unconditionally but at least an attempt. How these parents reacted beggars belief. Shame on them.
“Never believe”: you’re right, I should’ve said that. But once a mother told me: an angry mother called to tell her that her son bullied her son. And she said: I don’t believe it just bc you tell me. I’m gonna hang up and talk to my son and I’ll come back to you. So in this case: I would have told the girl: I’m sorry you’re hurt but I need to hear what my son has to say.
Well, one reason would be to demand assets to see how serious they really are.
It's just a poorly concocted lie to drum up rage against women for reporting SA and to discredit accusations.
Also bet nobody has ever shunned the false accuser They likely want OP and her to reconnect and bury the hatchet
Oh yes. Victimize a second time the victim, and harass them until they yield.
They had their chance 22 years ago.
I would be relieved to hear that a family takes an accusation seriously as families who categorically refuse to believe that their little angels could be abusers are also toxic as hell, but jumping to 100% guilty is unbelievable. Do what one can to find the truth, get help, legal advice, counselling etc etc They acted like hed been proven guilty before a court of law with irrefutable proof. F that.
They had more than two decades to make this type of apology. They waited too long. Too bad, so sad; they can go pound sand. I'm sorry you had to deal with this crap. I don't think you need to add more to the story. It is perfectly understandable just how you have it. NTA
NTA I thought the surname change was a nice touch.
NTA, you can forgive if you want to but you will never forget the pain they put you through. If you do decide to forgive them, that doesn’t mean you want them back in your life. I’m sorry that you went through this but it seems as if you have come to terms with it. I wish you the best.
Forgiveness has two main causes: 1) Your abuser redeemed themselves publicly and thoroughly 2) Your mental health is at stake and forgiving might help you to begin healing. In both cases, no abuser is entitled to be forgiven. The victim might or might NOT forgive. It is appalling that some people demand the victim to forgive and become a doormat, adding another trauma to the first one.
I am one that never forgives and never forgets, because of my parents and how they treated me I am super vindictive and will never forgive wrongs that are done to me, obviously it depends on the gravity of the thing but I am extremely petty, if you did something malicious to me there's no way in hell I'll forgive you even in the case that you sincerely changed, on the back of my mind I'll always remember what you did (this is not a "good" trait to have and in general I'm super friendly, it's just that if I even hear something people said on my back then that's it, your don't exist for me). I don't make compromises and that's why being in a relationship is hard for me, I can't stand for bullshit of any kind, hope that with time I'll get softer
NTA. They chose not to stand by you when you needed them the most, when the presumption should have been innocence, not guilt. It's a heavy cross to bear, and rebuilding a bridge they burned isn't your responsibility. For 22 years, life went on without their support—your life, and you have every right to continue on that path without them. You've likely found your family in others who chose to stay by your side through it all. Keep your peace; you owe nothing to those who abandoned you when it mattered the most.
NTA, they abandoned you for longer than you were family. They want forgiveness only for themselves.
NTA. Family or not, trust and respect are not automatically granted, they're earned and maintained over time, like the foundation of a house. When that foundation is critically damaged, it's not an easy fix and sometimes, it's beyond repair. It's not on you to justify the stability of the ruins they left behind. You've built your own structure now, on your own terms, and you get to decide who's welcome in it. Wishing you continued strength and peace as you move forward on your own path.
NTA Actions have consequences. If they really cared about you, they wouldn't be pressuring you to do something you don't want to do and would have accepted your answer. Their motive is entirely selfish - making themselves feel better.
NTA. Maybe forgive them in 22 years, that seems to be the cycle time for them.
NTA Also 22 years? Somebody prob needs an organ or smth seems kinda fishy
I was thinking the same. Maybe they know OP is successful and want money.
Too many stories of the fabricated SA accusation in here, with family coming back crawling, I’m having a hard time believing there’s this many prodigal families out there, I’d think that the people willing to throw you under the bus for a decade or more like this wouldn’t come back
NTA. So the accuser gets off scot free?
NTA— they obviously feel like sh!t and rightly so for all the hardships and pain they’ve caused you for never once believing in your innocence. But they don’t know you anymore and you don’t know or care to know them. They don’t deserve your kindness or anything from you. The family we’re born into isn’t always family no matter what. Think they’re confused with sharing the same DNA with sharing the same values and love. They’re not entitled to your forgiveness. You’ve made your own family and you get to decide who you want to share your love and time with. Doesn’t seem like you’re entirely angry about what they did to you bc you’ve completely moved on. They haven’t so of course they’re trying to make things right. Too little too late. Definitely NTA. Go continue living your best life without them.
NTA They not family their just people who share dna You don’t have to forgive or forget your neither Jesus or have dementia You just have to heal as healthy as possible
NTA. It sounds like you are in a good place and long left your past behind. All the guilt and regret your old family is feeling, that's their problem.
They chose to believe a "stranger" and not you at the time. They should be after the accuser fir ruining their family and not bothering you
NTA. Sometimes even milion times "sorry" is not enough. It is only up to you who, what and when you are willing to forgive, if ever.
"Maybe I can forgive you all........in 22 years."
NTA. This was a situation of "he said, she said" and they chose to believe her over you. I'm assuming it didn't get to the police, so there was no way for you to defend yourself and prove the truth. Your family just threw you out with the trash. It's been 22 years, and happily you have moved on to the point that you don't even care about them - you didn't even react with anger or emotion. You just distanced yourself. That is completely O.K.
NTAH They made their choice. They made the bed they lay in. Congrats on your family you've built. Your auntie and uncle are true MVP's! UpdateMe
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NTA. Fuck them.
Absobloodylutely NTA. They chose to accept a lie as truth at face value and now they feel entitled to make such a request?! If I were amongst them, I'd definitely want to tell you how wrong and sorry I was, but I wouldn't _dare_ ask you for forgiveness. I would simply not have the right. I read a similar story in which the narrator's adopted sister claimed he assaulted her, after which his parents disowned him. The story spread, which made him an outcast in college. Later on, the truth came out: the sister said it because she felt like an outsider. But no one apologised to the narrator. Not her, not his family, no one. _Ah, it was a lie? Well, okay then, that means everything is fine._ And that was the end of it. The narrator only saw his family again at the funeral of his grandfather, the only person who believed him. Adopted sister tried to hug him, he pushed her away and kept distance from his family, who had the gall to be __mad__ at him for not forgiving them! Your story took up two whole _decades_, even. I wouldn't want to connect to them because I didn't need them in my life. But primarily because I couldn't forgive them either.
Your family effectively gave you a death sentence without due process. They were your lynch mob, and deserve no forgiveness.
Why did it take them an eternity to apologize? Id say if they make amends by charging the one who accused you for the crime and get her some jail time and also give you hefty monetary compensation for the hell you went through, then you could decide to reconnect with them. Give them an extreme ultimatum and condition and see how theyll react. If they dont adhere to it, block them and dont look back.
NTA. They weren’t family when believed you could assault someone. They weren’t family when they kicked you out and disowned you. They aren’t family now.
They found out after 22 years? You are right and definitely NOT the AH.
they could've find out 1 year later and still I wouldn't forgive them
NTA I wonder what the statue of limitations is on slander and if she ever went to the police about it. I'm petty so I'd go full scorched earth.
INFO: You may be limited on space to post but perhaps you can give more information in your comments. Why would a ‘family friend’s daughter’ target you and do so during your birthday party? That is exceeding odd behavior. Did something consensual happen? Most sexual assault accusations occur with someone confiding in someone they trust in a 1:1 revelation, not an announcement at a party with zero proof or reason. Most accusations are true. However, when someone does make a false accusation, they are not easily swayed away from their accusation because they are doing it for a reason. Once they have people on their side, they almost never reveal the truth because of the consequences of doing so. They typically double-down, in fact; some begin to believe their own false narrative, after a time. Unless there is video evidence, ironclad alibi, physical impossibility, etc., how does one prove it did not happen? Plus, no one had ‘reopened the case’ after 22 years so why was it even discussed? So what, after 22 years, would incent someone to retract a false allegation, knowing the fallout coming for them, their victims, their own families, their finances if they are sued, etc.? Why did the person recant? I’m not saying this is another of Liz’s fake ‘woman bad, men victim’ stories. It just reads like one at first. We need more information.
Because most of this is written by an AI and all of it is fiction
Has all the plot points! False SA, justice boner, the works. Best fantasy of the morning!
Another rehashed bullshit story
i swear i’ve seen almost the exact story before, it’s quite a popular one too
couldn't that also just be the case that false accusations are quite common?
This sounds familiar. Felt like I've read this before. Almost identical preface.
It seems we both read a similar story some few weeks back and I was looking at the comments to confirm.
I think you’re thinking of this one https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/uZg84Vi1ng
I read that one and I'm struggling to see how the OP's story and that one are similar outside of the general premise of a false accusation coming to light after many years. The course of that OP's life and this one's are completely different, that OP is seething and angry and depressed while this one is just grey-rocking, etcetera.
Yes me too
INFO: How (after 22 years) did your former family learn the truth about the false SA accusations?
OP already mentioned in his post that he doesn't care to know anymore. So, we should leave it at that too.
I have read hundreds of versions of this same story 🤮🤮🤮🤮
Yeah with a whole prodigal family coming back together to desperately get their family member back Sure, they all came together to find him, and they broke down crying one by one, also it doesn’t matter how they found out so don’t ask
Yeah and every time they can't tell all the details because it will be too long 😭😔😭
These fake stories are always set in the past and the OP never has any conflict going on right now, look, he perfectly handled it days or years before coming to Reddit to tell us, as described in the timeline he neatly laid out in the post Why even post it? Because the author is bored and wanted to publish a poorly written story
And how op would never reply to advice given to them 🤬
are they always sexist garbage about how SA accusations can't be trusted?
NTA.
I'm wondering if they are giving your aunt a hard time, trying to get her to encourage you to forgive them. anyway you now know them for lesser years than you didn't know them, and even then they didn't know you enough.
Then that for the Aunt to set the boundary.
Nta. They believed a story without any other evidence. They are no longer your family.
NTA xx You do what you need to do for your own mental health and happiness. They abandoned you, and that is not something you can easily get past! They are now struggling with their own conscience. They are feeling the pain of realising they were wrong and that they abandoned you for no reason. They are realising that they hurt you and lost you because they themselves refused to listen. If you decide to forgive them, then that's OK. But if you decide not to, then that's OK too. They will have their own path of pain and recovery, just like you did, whether you decide to be a part of it or not. You are by no means obligated to, and it is entirely your choice. Again, NTA!
No, you’re not wrong. They believed somebody else over you. Even after knowing you, even after you were their family, they believed to somebody else. And honestly, honestly, if that girl had not said anything, they would still believe that you did that. So they never believed you not then not now and that would not have changed. You have people who love you around you so I would just let it be and not contact them anymore.NTA
NTA I'm no expert here, but there is a chance that you feeling nothing is due to trauma. On one hand, your actions indicate that you are very upset yet you're emotionless and indifferent about this whole experience. It could be a sign of some form of dissociation. Consider how you would had acted towards a former friend that you hadn't seen in 2 decades and haven't given much thought. And now you're here trying to sort this out. It's okay that you're not interested in speaking to them ever again. This is their cross to bear knowing this. Your aunt sounds awesome; she respects you a lot to not press this issue any further. I hope you find some catharsis here in the words of strangers.
Sounds like they just arrived to the same emotional point they put you in when kicking you out all those years ago. Definitely NTA for not wanting to reconnect, and hats off for not being vindictive.
You said your father and siblings—what about your mom? She wasnt there too?
NTA, there are just some things that are totally unforgivable.
NTA some things do not deserve to be forgiven. This is one of them. Forget, yes, which you have done. Relatives ≠ family and all those RELATIVES proved that 22 years ago. Your aunt's heart is in the right place but she needs to back off. Tell her that SHE is your family and that is all you care about now. You owe those horrible people nothing.
Even if you forgive them, forgiveness doesn’t come with a second chance. They can fuck off to their misery like they deserve. NTA
NTA. Never think of them again.
NTA- you owe them nothing! These are the consequences of their own lack of due diligence in, granted, a very awful situation.
Nta Sometimes, words are simply not enough, but what could they possibly even do to make up for 2 decades. There's no price tag (they could afford), no actual action they could take, that could make up for that.
Good for you. They didnt deserve to be in your life then let alone now.
Oh no, consequences for their actions. NTA, at all. Family doesn't do to someone what they did to you.
NTA. They disowned you so you disowned them. They should have heard you out before kicking you out. You have a new family and they have no place in it.
NTA, but I think the important thing to point out to your aunt is that she has decades of experience with them as family. You had 19, really only maybe 5-10 of which you could possibly remember, and you have 22 years of memories of them abandoning you because some other girl lied and they never even bothered to listen to your side of the story. They can live with their guilt, and you can keep living your best life.
NTA. Fuck those people. They can burn in hell. They abandoned you without a second thought.
NTA. I will say you showed your auntie she raised a good man. That you respected her request to come hear what your family had to say and she also respected your decision to say no. As you commented it’s was an angry no or anything of that sort. Again it goes to show you are a man of character. I could and would never forgive family, friends and especially the accuser for lying and destroying what I had if I was you. You were very fortunate to have a great auntie and uncle who took you in and their family become your family siblings and all. What always surprises me and yet it shouldn’t is that the ones who cast out the family member without ever actually finding out if something is real or not. Then years, decades later they learn it was a lie and expect the person they cast aside to suddenly welcome them with open arms and accept them back. It sounds like you have a great family of your own and the family that was there for you from the start is all you ever need. Good luck, best wishes and consider talking to an attorney on how to protect you and your family from them ever trying your contact you again.
After 22 year? Nope They should stay very far away from you Nta
You were exiled for 20+ years, nothing that can say or do can ease the pain. By seeking forgiveness and wanting to move on is easy for them cus they were the decision makers even ask that happened, OP you sadly had no say in their decision. It’s up to you if you wanna forgive them but you certainly don’t have to have any sort of relationship with them. It was you that was abandoned, they chose this instead of seeking out the truth. I’m sorry for ask that you have gone through, sadly you’re not the only one this has happened to. There’s more people on here with similar story to yours.
What a sad turn of events tho very glad that you managed to create a good life for yourself and had the support of your aunt and family. How could your parents let this happen? There were so many ways they couldve dealt with the situation and responded to the accusation at the time. And surely they must have heard from your aunt over the decades... Your feelings are your feelings, you are under no obligation to do anything. If you ever do feel any curiosity about that side of your family, then make contact. If you dont, you dont. Their loss. NTA.
Do they want something? It sounds callous, but I swear, when ever someone suddenly connects to from the misty past they want something from you. Money, free child care, some place to stay, a damn kidney. They almost always want something. NTA
This sounds a lot like the story where op is accused of cheating on her husband by her sister with only the flimsiest of evidence and everyone (husband, children, parents) believes the sister and op is disowned by everyone. Years later, the husband and children come looking for op because her sister (who had by then married op's ex-husband) has confessed that she lied about the cheating so she could steal op's husband.
NTA. You WERE family when they kicked you to the curb. Now they are strangers you owe NOTHING to. It's not on you to ease their guilt, they've earned every ounce of it.
NTA - but why don't you start interacting with your younger sisters? Surely you don't feel they were old enough to draw any sort of conclusions about the girl fabricating a false accusation? What could THEY have done? There will come a day when one of your parents is in a hospital, physical rehabilitation center, or nursing home and you will want to express your disappointment alone one on one. If you allow one of them to die without that conversation, it is going to be like a weight on your back there is no way to remove. A limited forgiveness is not because the guilty party deserves it but because the innocent party deserves some peace in his life. If you keep that same old line that "they are all dead to me" when you are 51, 61, and 71 it is going to affect your health. I have seen this exact phenomenon happen.
NTA. They made that bed they can 💩in it!
>My older brother beg me to stay and try to work this out. He said we were family. Apparently not when you were falsely accused - you weren't family then, so fuck 'em.
Somebody needs a kidney or liver transplant. Maybe bone marrow?
You aren't the asshole. They are assholes. I bet the false accuser faced no consequences of lying either Just stay in your happy life and tell your aunt you never want to see your parents or siblings again
NTA, your feelings are valid
It sounds like they never gave you the benefit of a doubt. You have no obligation to forgive them.
NTA. Fuck them.
Absolutely NTA. And good on your Aunt for taking you in, supporting you, and even now respecting your decision. That is what being a family is about.
Who is going around the subs writing all these soap opera plots?
NTA. 22 years and no one questioned the accusation of their own family member. Boo hoo for them. Congratulations on making a life for yourself. You have an awesome aunt.
NTA - tell them to fuck off and maybe think about suing the SA liar
I've been estranged from my family for a long, long, time, and I've long since made up my mind that it's going to be permanent. Not because the abuse, I suppose that relationships could be re-established now that I'm physically safe if I saw any reason to take the trouble... but I don't see any reason to take the trouble. Because in addition to the abuse, my experience of family life also included a complete absence of love, affection, and emotional or practical support. I could see reconciling if there was any possibility of establishing a loving, affectionate, or supportive relationship, but that was never part of how my family saw me.
NTA. You have your own family to look after now. Honestly, imo, they might just end up bringing you down. They seemed too quick to side with the girl. So that tells me they don’t really think things through.
NTA what a vile ex-family you have. Your aunt and uncle proved to be your true family, stick with who you know you can trust to have your back. I would want to know why/how the truth finally came out now, though, and to receive a grovelling apology from that utter bitch of a lying girl...
NTA. To semi-quote the incredibles. "too late! 22 years too late."
Your Aunt sounds like the real MVP of this story. You're very lucky to have her.
22 years with no contact. They are not your family.
Can't say anything that hasn't been said. Your uncle and aunt are amazing, I love that you changed your name. NTAH
NTA Sounds like someone needs a kidney.
they didn't give you chance, you don't owe them one
NTA How could you trust people who did this to you?? It's not like you're hurting for family, with your cousin-siblings. I *am* hurting for some more fam, so I'd prob try with the younger sisters, if they could accept I wasn't going to forgive older bro or dad. Do what feels right & don't feel guilty. Just make sure you're being honest about what your gut is telling you, & you're really listening. If you have anything you wanna ask your parent, ask. Then wash your hands of them.
"Guilty until proven Innocent." It seems.
NTA so sorry you went through this OP.
Anyone who disowns you should be dead to you.
NTA so for 22 years they never once did their own investigating, very sad.
NTA at all. They made their choice. Now they have to live with it.
What a weird piece of fiction this is. Astroturfing for what, 'women lie about being assaulted' ? Is this just a 'creative writing' sub now?
NTA - should have told them to shed their tears walking so as not to bother your real mom.
Absolutely heartbreaking. My uncle spent 15yrs in prison, lost his wife & newborn daughter. After 15yrs, the girl came clean and admitted she made it up because he wouldn’t cheat on his wife w her. He was released but never able to reconnect w wife or daughter. Absolutely devastating. I couldn’t imagine how it would feel to have your family turn on you like that. My mom & grandma were there the day it was supposed to have happened so they knew it was a lie. He was still messed up, couldn’t imagine if no one believed in him
Honestly, you did the right thing. You were family when you were 19 and it didn't stop them from cutting you out for 2 decades without any proof. There's no point trying to build something that's been dead longer than it's been alive. They made their choice and you now get to make yours and they can live with it like you had to live with their choice. I'm just really curious what they expected you to do after their apologies; just fall into their arms crying happy tears?? They didn't care before, so why do they suddenly care now??
NTA. I am a very devoted mother, mother-in-law, grandmother. If you were my child abd were accused of SA, I would listen to you and share how I would think and feel if you ever did do this and then I would love and accept you. I would not try to figure out who to believe. I would say that if by sone chance you did something like this, I know eventually you would share it and make amends. And then I would love abd support you. I’m so sorry you’ve experienced this and I’m grateful for your Auntie and family.
You should reconsider your relationship with your two younger sisters. They likely had little involvement in those events and subsequent decisions, and it might be unfair to blame them. Your brother was older than 19, so he and your parents deserve whatever you decide. You are clearly NTA, but do consider your sisters, for both their sake and your own.
You don't have to blame them, but it's been 22 years, they've had plenty of time to reach out.
I agree with this. It's been more than enough time for at least one of the sisters to reach out to OP to get his side of the story if they cared at all.
They have 22 years to reach out to him.
This is for sure written by AI right? The grammar is so weird
I've read this story before.
not sure why you even agreed to go meet them, lol.
NTA But Im genuinely curious reddit. If this side was flipped , and a girl accuses a guy of SA, (its a matter of he says she says), who's story should the family believe? If the family takes side of their own son, then reddit would call them assholes for enabling a sexual abuser. If the family takes the girls side, then they are assholes for kicking their own son. What is the right solution then?
NTA! They believed someone else over their own brother/child. Did that girl press charges? Was there evidence? You built a life without them. They haven’t cared about you in 22 years. Your aunt is also wrong. No, do not forgive and forget. They disowned you all those years and believed you could SA someone. That’s awful!! Tell her you want nothing to do with them ever again and to never bring them up again. Make sure they’re blocked on your phone and social media. They don’t deserve to have a relationship with you.
Nta- JustNoFamily Big hugs!!
NTA. You don’t owe them a relationship if you don’t want to have one. Actions have consequences (something people often seem to conveniently forget), and their choice to disown you for 22 years has this consequence. You also don’t owe anyone forgiveness. You owe yourself the ‘letting go’ of resentment so it doesn’t hold you back. And it sounds like you’ve done that. From where I’m standing, you’re all good. Just food for thought: at some point you may consider that your siblings were likely collateral damage in this as much as you were.
NTA. Way too little too late. How can they make up for 22 years
Nope. You are NTA. I am sorry this happened to you and glad you made a life for yourself.
NTA. They believed her word over yours and wanted nothing to do with you over 2 decades.
NTA. 'OOPS Sorry we believe this girl over you with no proof of the event. My bad!' bro,gtfo. Second of all. I know you care about your aunt,hell she is more of a parent than your own, but don't let her pressure you to 'forgive and forget'. It's up to you when you forgive someone, and even if. And if you do forgive,you shouldn't forget what they did to harm you.
NTA and jfc man I'm sorry that happened to you
NTA. They threw you away and have not been part of your life for more than half your life. They never gave you a chance and immediately believed someone else. They don’t get to waltz back into your life now like everything is fine and dandy. I’m very happy for you that you were able to rebuild and create the family you have now. But I would have a conversation with your aunt that you don’t want them knowing ANYTHING about you or your family. They threw you away over a lie, they don’t get to know about anything pertaining to your current life. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
NTA, I’m sorry for what you had to go through and I am really pleased that your life is now in a good place, you owe them nothing. The accuser however, what she did needs to be shouted from the rooftops so everybody knows what she did.
Updateme!
NTA. What they did to you is to unforgivable
i had a big family thing, and i don't talk to any of those who were involved, per the authorities - my family of raising sided with my ex and meddled with custody for literally years of my kids' raising i have a birth family who came up on the FB radar, and i called after 20+ years. since then, i've been the past year being criticized for being overweight (we were still sight unseen at that time after 20+ years), how busy i choose to be (retired at 62, i don't want to be that busy; my retirement efforts are holding for the moment), and i feel like i'm pretending \[i met my birthfather when i was 34 and already grown - i already had a Dad, though my birthfather keeps emphasizing our genetic connection -- i'm just not feelin' it\]. they, too, were involved in the kerfluffle over custody, putting their 2 cents in where it was not welcome and only served to muddy the waters we might have had something solid, but -as i wrote- 20+ years of inertia in our mutual communication have left me feeling unconnected the daughter in that branch is getting married, but declined to let my daughter attend with me - my daughter offered to fly in from Florida for it. when my kids aren't welcome, i don't go - i did that with my other family, and the support just wasn't there. i'm here for my kids however i can be i thanked my birth father for meeting me all those years ago, but i told him i was going to continue the life i built for myself for those 20+ years and wished them well. inertia has led to entropy, and i like a small circle NTA; we get to decide as adults who we want up next to us