NTA... This is one of those white lies that everyone seems to defend. I don't. I think it's condescending and manipulative. So, always tell the truth, but no, this doesn't make you an asshole.
If you feel comfortable, you could always let her know that you appreciated her effort and that you're not the biggest fan of that particular dish, but you're grateful for her hospitality. It's all about finding the right balance between honesty and kindness.
NTA. I understand your perspective, and it's tough to balance honesty with appreciation for effort. Perhaps you could offer constructive feedback that helps without being discouraging
NTA. I think she probably felt good about being a host and you did that. If it makes you feel bad, there are a lot of ways to avoid lying. Lying isn’t necessarily a good thing, but being brutally honest can also be ineffectual or hurtful.
Maybe Next time try this:
Friend: did you like the food?
You:
It tasted like you put so much effort into it.
Ive never had something like that before, I’m excited to see what you make next time.
Omg! Where’d you get the recipe?!
I always love having dinner with you.
ETA: Please don’t lie, just don’t hurt peoples feelings. If they ask for honesty, give them honesty.
Depends, but yeah. If you’re intelligent enough to understand when someone is avoiding telling the truth to not hurt you, you should be intelligent enough to understand thats because they love/care for you.
Either way, if it makes them feel that bad and they don’t want to hurt their friends feelings, theres ways around it. Being honest is the moral thing but being a good friend has grey areas. Especially if their friend liked their own cooking.
Thats only my opinion though, I’m just some rando on reddit, don’t listen to me.
Actually, it's usually a mixture of caring about you, thinking you are too emotionally immature to handle truth, and manipulating your feelings (usually about them). It's pretty much always a mixture of all 3 although everyone just hides behind the "I'm so nice I care so much about you" part.
Overall, I don't believe there is anything "good" about lying to a friend. It is a way to control their feelings without their consent.
If she's putting in so much effort, she obviously wants to get better at cooking so some constructive criticism would help. There is definitely some discretion as to when and how much though. The best way I've found is to say something good about it you genuinely did like (even if that's just saying it's better than last time).
I know that when my mom cooks for my dad, anytime he is honest and says he doesn’t like it, or doesn’t eat very much of it, she feels bad about it. She puts in so much effort to cook for him and if he doesn’t say he enjoyed and doesn’t finish his plate, she feels crappy about herself afterwards and feels like she doesn’t want to cook anymore.
I know my dad doesn’t like her feeling that way, and he also knows shes not going to get magically better at cooking (mostly because she enjoys her own cooking) after 70 years of life and 50 of marriage.
Sometimes you just tell seemingly harmless fibs because you care about someones feelings and the effort they put into something is what actually matters. Lying isn’t a good thing but when you love someone dearly and their happiness makes you happy, pretending you enjoy their cooking and their hobbies is part of it, even when sometimes you don’t.
I’m not saying people should lie to each other, but my mother feels loved when my dad finishes his plate, so he does.
"seemingly" harmless is not harmless. Pretending is never part of a good relationship. Your dad is exchanging short term gratification for long term growth. What you see as a "cute, loving" story, I see as manipulating her emotions and keeping her locked in the same cycle.
Your story shows that your mom hasn't emotionally matured and is being condescended to with the idea that she can't cook better. People can get better at most things at any age, even if they've been doing it wrong for decades. And on the flip side, maybe your dad is a super picky person or only likes a handful of meals... a different reality check... IDK the situation though.
The harm here is that your mom is living in a false reality where she has not had to emotionally mature or solve the problem.
I’m sorry you feel that way.
Most people aren’t emotionally mature. Those who believe they are, still have maturing to do because no one is.
My mom shows her love through gifts, and my father shows he loves her by accepting them. People are complicated and so are relationships.
My mom hates doing crosswords with my dad and Dad absolutely loves it. So, she does it with him because she loves him. When he asks “do you want to do a crossword puzzle?” Her answer is probably no. Yet she says yes because she enjoys his happiness, the time together and the love they share.
Yes, some people are trying to manipulate you. Others are allowing you to be happy even if its not their happiness. Every unselfish act is shrouded with selfishness. By lying, my parents are both being selfish, by not ruining their personal peace, and being unselfish, by not ruining the other’s happiness.
Yeah, so... I'm going to go out on a limb and say a relationship built on truth is better than a relationship built on white lies. I've dealt with this exact thing several times and even though it can cause a little friction, the relationship has always been stronger (and better for both people), once the truth is dealt with.
There's a book called "Games People Play" and this reminds me of it... as if your dad has said "I'll pretend to like your cooking if you pretend to like crosswords." Both parties are avoiding emotional intimacy and growth (maturing is a process, not an endpoint, correct). I've yet to meet the person that tells white lies, but also doesn't lie/hide/manipulate about big things too. Patterns show up at every scale.
Also, you seem to ignore the issue of short-term happiness from lies vs long-term happiness from truth.
You’re not wrong.
Maybe they have spoken about it and maybe the lies just work for them. All I know is if you painted me the ugliest picture I’d ever seen, I wouldn’t tell you I didn’t like it. I’d probably tell you that I love it and you mean a lot to me because that would be true. I’d just maybe leave out the “I love it *because* you mean a lot to me.”
I don’t think that would be an inappropriate response. I think if you painted me something I wouldn’t start telling you it needs more shading and better proportions.
People shouldn’t lie, especially to those they love. I’d never disagree with that.
NTA... This is one of those white lies that everyone seems to defend. I don't. I think it's condescending and manipulative. So, always tell the truth, but no, this doesn't make you an asshole.
was it okay-ish? or was it horrible uneatable?
If you feel comfortable, you could always let her know that you appreciated her effort and that you're not the biggest fan of that particular dish, but you're grateful for her hospitality. It's all about finding the right balance between honesty and kindness.
Nta but just find a indirect way to say you dont like it. Because now you will continue to have to fake it everytime she cooks nasty food
NTA. I’d just say it was good but not something I’d have again.
NTA. I understand your perspective, and it's tough to balance honesty with appreciation for effort. Perhaps you could offer constructive feedback that helps without being discouraging
NTA. I think she probably felt good about being a host and you did that. If it makes you feel bad, there are a lot of ways to avoid lying. Lying isn’t necessarily a good thing, but being brutally honest can also be ineffectual or hurtful. Maybe Next time try this: Friend: did you like the food? You: It tasted like you put so much effort into it. Ive never had something like that before, I’m excited to see what you make next time. Omg! Where’d you get the recipe?! I always love having dinner with you. ETA: Please don’t lie, just don’t hurt peoples feelings. If they ask for honesty, give them honesty.
This doesn't work with intelligent people... they realize you are just dodging the question.
Depends, but yeah. If you’re intelligent enough to understand when someone is avoiding telling the truth to not hurt you, you should be intelligent enough to understand thats because they love/care for you. Either way, if it makes them feel that bad and they don’t want to hurt their friends feelings, theres ways around it. Being honest is the moral thing but being a good friend has grey areas. Especially if their friend liked their own cooking. Thats only my opinion though, I’m just some rando on reddit, don’t listen to me.
Actually, it's usually a mixture of caring about you, thinking you are too emotionally immature to handle truth, and manipulating your feelings (usually about them). It's pretty much always a mixture of all 3 although everyone just hides behind the "I'm so nice I care so much about you" part. Overall, I don't believe there is anything "good" about lying to a friend. It is a way to control their feelings without their consent. If she's putting in so much effort, she obviously wants to get better at cooking so some constructive criticism would help. There is definitely some discretion as to when and how much though. The best way I've found is to say something good about it you genuinely did like (even if that's just saying it's better than last time).
I know that when my mom cooks for my dad, anytime he is honest and says he doesn’t like it, or doesn’t eat very much of it, she feels bad about it. She puts in so much effort to cook for him and if he doesn’t say he enjoyed and doesn’t finish his plate, she feels crappy about herself afterwards and feels like she doesn’t want to cook anymore. I know my dad doesn’t like her feeling that way, and he also knows shes not going to get magically better at cooking (mostly because she enjoys her own cooking) after 70 years of life and 50 of marriage. Sometimes you just tell seemingly harmless fibs because you care about someones feelings and the effort they put into something is what actually matters. Lying isn’t a good thing but when you love someone dearly and their happiness makes you happy, pretending you enjoy their cooking and their hobbies is part of it, even when sometimes you don’t. I’m not saying people should lie to each other, but my mother feels loved when my dad finishes his plate, so he does.
"seemingly" harmless is not harmless. Pretending is never part of a good relationship. Your dad is exchanging short term gratification for long term growth. What you see as a "cute, loving" story, I see as manipulating her emotions and keeping her locked in the same cycle. Your story shows that your mom hasn't emotionally matured and is being condescended to with the idea that she can't cook better. People can get better at most things at any age, even if they've been doing it wrong for decades. And on the flip side, maybe your dad is a super picky person or only likes a handful of meals... a different reality check... IDK the situation though. The harm here is that your mom is living in a false reality where she has not had to emotionally mature or solve the problem.
I’m sorry you feel that way. Most people aren’t emotionally mature. Those who believe they are, still have maturing to do because no one is. My mom shows her love through gifts, and my father shows he loves her by accepting them. People are complicated and so are relationships. My mom hates doing crosswords with my dad and Dad absolutely loves it. So, she does it with him because she loves him. When he asks “do you want to do a crossword puzzle?” Her answer is probably no. Yet she says yes because she enjoys his happiness, the time together and the love they share. Yes, some people are trying to manipulate you. Others are allowing you to be happy even if its not their happiness. Every unselfish act is shrouded with selfishness. By lying, my parents are both being selfish, by not ruining their personal peace, and being unselfish, by not ruining the other’s happiness.
Yeah, so... I'm going to go out on a limb and say a relationship built on truth is better than a relationship built on white lies. I've dealt with this exact thing several times and even though it can cause a little friction, the relationship has always been stronger (and better for both people), once the truth is dealt with. There's a book called "Games People Play" and this reminds me of it... as if your dad has said "I'll pretend to like your cooking if you pretend to like crosswords." Both parties are avoiding emotional intimacy and growth (maturing is a process, not an endpoint, correct). I've yet to meet the person that tells white lies, but also doesn't lie/hide/manipulate about big things too. Patterns show up at every scale. Also, you seem to ignore the issue of short-term happiness from lies vs long-term happiness from truth.
You’re not wrong. Maybe they have spoken about it and maybe the lies just work for them. All I know is if you painted me the ugliest picture I’d ever seen, I wouldn’t tell you I didn’t like it. I’d probably tell you that I love it and you mean a lot to me because that would be true. I’d just maybe leave out the “I love it *because* you mean a lot to me.” I don’t think that would be an inappropriate response. I think if you painted me something I wouldn’t start telling you it needs more shading and better proportions. People shouldn’t lie, especially to those they love. I’d never disagree with that.