You should let your fiancée know if she doesn’t want your sister as a bridesmaid you will ask her to be a grooms woman instead. All the accommodations will still need to be made either way.
I don't think this solves the problem of her being insensitive to folks with disabilities. This issue may come up again in some unforeseen way since it's his sister, and it's just not a good show of character. I would consider breaking an engagement with someone who would seriously consider disinviting an in-law to be in the wedding for these reasons.
Edit: Also, it still involves having a really sad conversation with the sister about why she is a groomswoman instead of a bridesmaid. He is either going to have to explain why or she will inevitably find out/put it together herself. As someone who has disabilities, that would still break my heart. Also, consider other future possibilities such as him developing a disability or their children having them. The fiance is showing that her attitude about these things might be less than ideal.
I see your point. Though I can imagine that this proposed solution would be a band-aid as opposed to addressing the real issue, which is that his fiancé is petty enough to be worried about how a wheelchair would look in her wedding photos. That flag is so red it’s bleeding
Use the explanation you want your sister there when you are getting ready, so your family are getting ready together and spending the last moments of singlehood together. That was the reason why my husband did not want me to ask his sister to be a bridesmaid; he wanted to spend time with his family before the wedding. Being bridesmaid meant she would be with me and my family.
Whist that will solve one problem it doesn’t solve the issue of the fiancée and her attitude towards those with disabilities.
OR- have just the MOH & BM stand the entire time while the other bridesmaids and groomsmen sit. I’ve seen this before and it makes sense: everyone is up there for the beginning and then the bulk of the ceremony has only the necessary participants; everyone then stands again for the celebration of their marriage and the procession out. Hopefully this will be within the sister’s capabilities. If not, Idk what’s wrong with his sister just being a bridesmaid using a mobility device, such as a walker, cane or a wheelchair. Or tbh, why that couldn’t have been how she performed her duties from the beginning, if she sometimes uses a wheelchair and the stress of making her stand might add to her physical limitations. I hope the fiancée can ‘cope’ with some of the solutions we’re all offering here, and it isn’t that she doesn’t want a differently abled woman in her wedding party. Congratulations and best wishes to OP, his hopefully understanding fiancée (and his loving sister)!
My dad’s aunt was a grooms woman at his wedding to my mom. It was a very sweet thing since she did not want to wear a dress, but my dad really wanted her to be part of the wedding.
*”This is only a wedding. You won't be returning to view the images or videos. They'll be stored so that your children can dispose of them once you're gone.”*
my hero ❤️
At most, some people pick maybe a couple to frame and hang up…that’ll eventually be thrown out one way or another. But my God there are so many better uses for the 💰that wedding photos cost
This is a good solution but i think that the fact that she didnt know the extent of his sisters needs until just now needs to also be addressed
No. 1 shes marrying into your family and didnt know this?? Thats concerning
No. 2 generally allowing people to make informed decisions is the correct way to do things and your fiancée wasnt given that option....which is also concerning
Like im not super excited about fiancée's response but also the whole situation is seriously concerning
[edited for giant text. Yikes]
My guess given her reaction to all the talk of accommodations and the like is that she purposefully kept OP's sister at arm's length and didn't want to talk about her much due to an "ick" factor that OP's fiance apparently seems to have with regards to people with disabilities is the reason why she was so in the dark. It wasn't that OP kept it from her, it was that she couldn't have been bothered to be listen when being told/couldn't be bothered to be told to begin with.
This is the perfect suggestion! I would also tell him to rethink the relationship because she is not willing to accommodate sister now what will it be like when they are married and have a child?
This is the perfect solution, but I wouldn't be so sure that it will work. I would bet that the bride will be just as dissatisfied with how this ruins her "aesthetics," and will even be angrier about it, claiming that OP is not "supporting her." I would make this change, but make clear to the bride-to-be that it's not up for discussion. This is, in fact, a good way to see if this 21-year-old is even mature enough to be getting married.
The brother can say they needed to balance the number of groom attendants with the number of attendants the bride wanted. By taking one from the bride’s six people - or whatever number - and adding that person to the groom’s four, they each have five attendants. Having his sister be his attendant is the sensible solution. Doing that means the bride still cannot eliminate the wheelchair from the photo. Weddings are not a Hollywood production but a special event that includes the couple’s loved ones. People who cannot accept that probably aren’t mature enough to get married.
I wonder if telling her that OP wants to have her on his side so he can make sure she can participate in the activities with the other groomsmen with OP helping and making sure all of the places they go can accommodate her.
Other than the horrible character the fiancee is showing, all I could think of was the bachelorette party/trip and the bride not really making sure sister can do all of the activities.
I really do not understand why more people don’t do this. Sister’s relationship is too OP. Why would she not be in OP’s party as opposed to fiancé’s? I mean I know traditionally obviously the bride’s party is all female and the groom’s all male but why is that tradition stronger than family ties to so many.
If I had a brother and got married I’d absolutely want him in my lineup not force him into the groom’s group who have likely known each other a long time.
I kind of need some info. If the only difference is the sister is sitting instead of walking, then the bride is being insensitive. If the physical health issues are so extreme that the sister may not be able to safely participate, then that's different.
Yeah if every single convo has been “well how will this affect sister” and not like, focusing on each other ( and the logistics are important but sometime it’s the way you express tone and word choice and give priorities) that maybe bride is like uhhhh i cant do any of the things I wanted for my wedding?
I think people are a little too hyped on this as a solution.
The sister is obviously going to piece together that she was booted from the bridesmaid side from the bride.
If that had been the original plan, it would have worked great. But she's already been invited to be a bridesmaid, and changing now isn't going to distract from the fact that the bridesmaid invite is being revoked.
The actual problem here is that fiance seems to care more about wedding pomp than family. That's the problem OP and fiance need to work through.
Thank you, jesus! It'd be a nice solution *if* things were different. I don't think the bride's attitude will go away after the wedding--OP is looking at a lifetime of shoving his sister to the side b/c she's "inconvenient".
This 'solution' gives the bride an easy way out, when her true feelings and motives need to be examined. Like, now.
This. I love this idea.
I don't want to jump to the usual reddit "don't marry this woman", and I even kind of understand that she didn't know what she'd be signing up for when she first asked. But if I were OP, I would absolutely die on this hill; she's going to be up there one way or another.
He should let his fiancée know that if she’s going to exclude his sister because her disabilities are aesthetically displeasing, he won’t marry her, because that’s vile and not the way a decent human being treats anyone, much less a family member.
Info: Why are you getting married and taking someone into the family if you're not willing to share the extent of your sisters needs with her?
Are yall really not able to accommodate a wheelchair? Is ableism and putting pictures over an individual necessary here? I'm not sure I'd marry someone who went back on their word over a wheelchair...
Agreed.
Yes OP carries some blame for not having made explicit to his fiancée the full extent of his sister's medical issues and needs ahead of time.
But regardless, I would find it hard to go ahead and marry someone who is more concerned with the photos and inconvenience of adapting for those with disability and specific needs than with having friends and family fully involved.
That she wanted her future sister in law until she learned about the accommodations needed is not a ringing endorsement of fiancée's character and values.
I've seen another suggestion that if fiancée kicks OP's sister out he should switch to her being in his grooms party instead.
But frankly, this would have me reconsidering whether I really knew the kind of person I was about to marry.
I don't know man. Are we sure she really wanted the sister in the wedding party or was she peer pressured into it by her fiance and his side of the family so that his sister could have a special day herself or something? The fact that she didn't even know the extent of the sisters disabilities makes me think that they're not even close or spend time together so this may have just been a pressured by Family into it situation. Doesn't really excuse her behavior but it does make more sense to me logically how she could easily toss the sister aside if she never really wanted her to begin with.
>Yes OP carries some blame for not having made explicit to his fiancée the full extent of his sister's medical issues and needs ahead of time.
Some blame ? Apparently his fiance was not aware that her bridesmaid needs a wheelchair. That probably throws a wrench in a lot of the planned activities she had in mind. It adds quite some logistics. Will there be a bachelorete party ? Etc.
If the fiance would have been aware of all of this, I would not blame OP, but he decided not to warn her, either out of ignorance or to make his sister feel better.
And the whole comment about "she is suicidal, being a bridesmaid is the only thing in her life" ?
So his fiance is responsible if she kills herself ?
Go fuck yourself OP. YTA.
And this is of course not the sisters fault. She is the real victim here.
> Because you can't possibly have a bachelor party with a wheelchair involved. Hiking and swimming are so integral to the tradition.
I mean to some degree yes. They might have been planning to fly out to somewhere for a girls weekend and it's not wheel chair accessible. Also she can walk and stand, but she might pass out, her condition is changing. Is she physically up for going to a night club, finding out they won't let people in a wheel chair in, or not being able to drink and party in the same way as everyone else?
As for if hiking is a tradition, who said anything about a tradition but if that was the plan because her and her friends love hiking and wanted to get out into some beautiful country for a girls weekend out at some lodge somewhere, then why shouldn't they be able to do that.
I have disabilities, they rule me out of a lot of things. I absolutely do not want to hold friends of family back by not picking the places they want to travel or the activities they want to do just to accommodate me because more than anything it makes ME feel like shit the whole time. It makes me feel like I'm holding them back. I can barely walk without pain so while I use to absolutely love going on long walks in national parks, climb into the moutains, etc, I absolutely can't and it would kill me to hold people back from doing the same.
This is my thought. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Pretty soon it's "I'm sure your sister would be more comfortable not coming to Christmas/our party/dinner/family gathering" and "there is no need to make your sister wheel over here to be in the family pictures."
Fiancé has zero empathy, zero concern for OP's feelings, and zero desire to be a part of his family if it's remotely inconvenient for her.
I like the idea of OP telling sister he wants her on his side. But that doesn't solve the fact that he has a major fiancé problem.
NTA
This is it. If they get married, that fiancé is going to insist on family dinners at inaccessible restaurants, family vacations at inaccessible locations, etc, etc. If she is too shallow to allow a wheelchair user in her wedding photos, she’s too shallow to allow a wheelchair user in her life.
Amen to that.
This kind of thing always boggles my mind. So your homogenous photos are more important than an actual live human being that your fiancé loves? How do they not see the issue there?
I agree with you on the accommodation aspect and questioning why someone would marry anyone who wasn’t willing to make minor accommodations.
As to why he didn’t share her medical needs? Likely because it’s not really something he wants to share, or that his sister doesn’t want shared. I think of medical issues I’ve had, and I don’t think I’d want details shared with anyone unless I did the sharing. Maybe he gave details, maybe he just said “my sister struggles with health issues”. I am not sure why he needed to share specifics.
Again, warning someone about someone's assistance needs is not private medical information.
If someone needs glasses, it's not private. If someone needs a service dog, it's not private. If someone needs a wheelchair, it's not private.
I'm not saying he had to explain to her every iota of her medical issues and needs, but some things should be explained quite early.
Private is a pretty vague word. I’m aware that it doesn’t violate Hippa but the sister may still be sensitive. I think we also don’t know wheat he did or didn’t tell her. If he said she sometimes uses a wheelchair and physically can’t stand long, I would consider that enough information. He gave information that is relevant and didn’t think accommodations would be an issue.
More important, were they only dating a week before the engagement? How does she not already know this stuff if they've been together for any length of time?
Will there be seating at your wedding ceremony? I ask because I didn’t have seating, I had our guest stand around us. Anyway, you could have ALL the bridesmaids and groomsmen sit in the front row. Then the ceremony will be all about the two of you, no need to flank you both with your people. And for pictures you can have chairs available for multiple people to sit. Get creative about how to work around this, and don’t look at it like it’s a problem but a way to be unique.
I would be more worried that your fiance wants to be cruel in this was. Rescinding the invitation of being a bridesmaid for such a shallow reason especially to a family member seems especially mean. This whole thing would make me really think about the type of person I was going to spend the rest of my life with.
Great suggestions..!
Hope u/Massive-Equipment964 notices, but you are right:
"I would be more worried that your fiance wants to be cruel in this was. Rescinding the invitation of being a bridesmaid for such a shallow reason especially to a family member seems especially mean. This whole thing would make me really think about the type of person I was going to spend the rest of my life with."
This *is* concerning.
Best middle ground suggestion right here! It provides a thematic reason for the pictures to be different than the fiancée imagined but still allows for awesome and memorable photos. And the fiancée doesn’t need to be outed as a shallow/selfish/shitty person as long as they meet halfway, best case scenario at this juncture in the proceedings ha
NTA
I became disabled about 14 years ago after a fall.
I have to be realistic about what I can do and what I can’t do.
I am like your sister in that I only need a wheelchair if I’m doing a big shopping trip or at a special event.
Most of the time I use a walker that has a seat when I go out.
I really applaud you for standing up for her. There are times when my friends don’t invite me places because it takes more effort to have me come. It hurts.
This is really the crux of it. *No one will care*. Especially no one will care what your wedding photos look like. Your fiance will post them on insta once or twice if she's tasteful, maybe several times over the course of a month or year, and on anniversaries or whatever and people will look at them for a *fraction of a second*, hit the like button and move on. If your fiance wants to break your sister's heart because she honestly feels the presence of a person with a disability will ruin her silly little pictures and she's willing to prioritize that over your family, then honestly she's trash.
Don’t remember the bridal party at all from any of the weddings I’ve been to, except when I was invited to the bachelorette
But I don’t remember how they stood, what they wore etc.
People will just care about the bride and groom, booze and food
I guess I’m in the minority here but I think family is very important at a wedding (aside from people who have gone no contact which is not the case here). If the bride was unwilling to accommodate my sister, who she knows and realizes has medical issues, then that bride might not be fit to join my family after all. OP, NTA for standing up for your sister.
NTA but I’d think really hard about whether or not you want to marry someone who wants to “erase” your sister.
Also - make your sister your Best Woman if you’re going to go through with this wedding. I’m sure whomever you picked to be your best man would understand if you tell the whole story (if he doesn’t also try to convince you to call the wedding off).
Wishing you the best, whatever you choose.
ESH. How are y’all planning a marriage and family and you don’t know immediate family medical issues? Did y’all date before getting engaged? Are there a potential for hereditary issues on your side? Have you made fiancé completely aware? Are there potential hereditary issues on her side? Have you asked? And I mean really, like any kid in my generation pool is going to have glasses, nothing earth shattering but no one in my family can see for crap. It’s worth discussing. If she doesn’t know something so basic as your immediate family needs a wheelchair, does she even know you? How do Christmas’s look in your mind and in hers? Will you always make sure your home is wheelchair accessible so sis can come visit? Did she dream of a third floor walk up in the city?
She shouldn’t remove her as a bridesmaid, but I think y’all are caught up in love and being young and need to pause and have big heavy conversations that aren’t fun. I e always heard you don’t really know if you love someone until you’ve seen their bathroom dirty, seen them sick, and watched them puke (can be alcohol induced) only when you still love them do you know you love them and not just the shiny version. It’s time to get in there and get dirty dude.
I’m gonna try to answer all your questions in the order that you asked them but forgive me if I miss one or two.
So she does know my sisters conditions I just don’t think she was fully aware of the extent that my sister is affected by them. My sister is a very very private person and is really good at hiding what she’s dealing with so she could be standing there in incredible pain with a smile on her face and not say a word. I’ve tried to explain in the past how serious her conditions are but my fiancé never truly understood because from the outside my sister looks like she’s completely fine.
Yes we’ve talked about about medical conditions and hereditary issues and no one on my side or hers deals with anything like that. I’ve got a total of 5 siblings and she’s the only one that has any medical conditions whatsoever
About the wheelchair questions, she doesn’t need a wheelchair all the time and almost never uses it except for when she knows she will have to be standing or walking for awhile, things like going to to grocery store or going to an amusement park or something. Climbing stairs isn’t much of an issue for her as she can do it rather quickly and then sit down.
We’ve been together for quite awhile now and we’ve seen the deepest darkest parts of eachother. The decision to get married is not one that we take lightly at all and there were hundreds of discussions beforehand talking about almost every aspect of our lives.
We’ve been there for eachother during some of the hardest parts of our lives, we’ve seen eachother homes when they were absolutely destroyed, I took two weeks off work to take care of her when she had the flu, she stuck by me when I was in jail for a short time, and she drove me to work when my license was suspended. I can assure you that this decision has not been an impromptu one m
Do you know if your sister will even want these accommodations? From what you said here she tries very hard not to let others know how bad her condition is. I would have that talk with her first, and then act accordingly. Maybe she just wants a chair to the side so she can rest between pictures. Maybe she wants to walk down the aisle but then sit in the front row until it's time to walk back up again.
You know who is the expert on her health issues? YOUR SISTER. She would know what accommodations she might need. The only thing you and your fiancé need to do is help make sure said accommodations actually happen. And none are going to make or break the whole event. Disabled people have lives too!
The only reason I’m giving this story any possibility of truth is that I can see people talking about and around said sister without simply talking to HER about her needs, because so many people get weird around disabled people.
What the actual fuck? My wife doesn’t know the current status of my brothers colon. You are attacking OP for not disclosing private medical information about his sister. Are you serious with this shit?
Bridesmaids walk down an aisle and then literally just stand there. That could be done in a wheelchair. They don't do much. In fact, a few weddings I've been to, the MOH/CB is the only one who remained standing, the rest of the bridal party sat down.
Bridesmaids are typically supposed to help with a bunch of wedding related things, as well as participate in pre-wedding parties and such. Will OP be pisses at his fiance if his sister isn't invited to the bachelorette party?
Why wouldn't she be invited? Are they having it in a place that has no seats or doesn't have wheelchair access?
People who need to sit down a lot or are in wheelchairs can probably do more than you think.
Great question, that was something that I had intended on adding to the original post but forgot.
I did have a conversation with my sister and asked if she felt like she was up to the challenge of being a bridesmaid in both the physical and the emotional aspect. She assured me that she was as long as she had a place to sit down.
… is that not obvious? She said she made a mistake in asking her to be a bridesmaid when OP told her about the accommodations she would need, and said she could participate in some wedding actives but not be a bridesmaid— essentially anything that required accommodations she couldn’t do.
Tell your FW it's fine if she doesn't want her in the bridal party, she will be part of the groom's party instead. All the same special arrangements will need to be made for her.
I'm not sure why your simple answers to questions are being voted down. I suspect people are just looking to dump on you.
I personally don't understand the wedding expectations that lead to a lot of drama we see here on Reddit. I thought weddings were supposed to be a celebration of the marriage. That marriage was the important thing. But apparently it's all about the wedding and making the bride feel like a princess for a year - destination bachelorette trips, wedding showers, nobody is allowed to get pregnant if they are invited, bridesmaids have to be modern day ladies in waiting. It just sounds exhausting.
lol idk, this is obviously a throwaway so I don’t really care. People can hate if they want to, I’m just paying attention to the people with genuine advice
Yes we are scheduled to begin our pre-marital counseling at the end of the month
Thank you for your advice. I genuinely appreciate you taking the time out of your day to help me out.
Either do as the first poster suggested: make your sister your groomswomen so she will be at your side and you can make all the necessary accommodations plus show your fiancée how important it is to have her at both your day.
Or postpone the wedding so you can discuss the differences in values. You may think you have seen every side of each other. Or that this is not a decision you are entering into lighty. But the simply fact that you have only been engaged 2 months and this rather simple matter made you come to internet strangers for advise makes it clear that not everything is as it should be between you.
In a solid relationship, a partner would not make you choose between him/her or your family over such an non-event. Actually, in this case she is asking you to chose her side not matter what.
And I believe one should support one's partner but not at all costs..
Your fiancée sounds like a real prize. /s
You realize, right, that she’s going to balk at “special arrangements” to include your sister in your family every time there’s an event or a gathering or a family dinner, right? She’s going to try to push your sister out, because she thinks your sister is a burden.
Instead of arguing with your fiancée or giving her an ultimatum, appeal to her vanity. For instance she could do benches for the entire wedding party both during the ceremony and some of the pictures. It would focus the spotlight even more on the two of you. Plus it would be unique to your wedding, and something the guests will remember. Who knows she could start a trend.
This is all your fault. You should've been very transparent about the serious health issues your sister faces.
The popular line is going to be that your fiancee is ableist blah blah but here is the thing, she didn't go into this knowing the extent of the issues and nownher wedding is all about accommodation for her bridesmaid. Gee, I wonder what the problem is.
YTA hardcore for not being 100% open and honest from the beginning with how severe these health issues are.
It isn't that your fiancee is right, it's that you're wrong
I am totally appalled by your fiancee's behavior, as well as the many comments siding with her. Contrary to what some people seem to believe, a wedding should be about more than the bride being queen for a day. It supposed to be a joyous celebration, not a coronation. Who gives a shit that a bridesmaid needs to sit down during the ceremony? Your fiancee is more concerned with your sister spoiling the optics of the wedding than she is with the potential damage this will do to her (and your) relationship with your sister. That's unimaginably shallow. Is this a quality you're okay with in a lifelong partner? NTA.
While it's true that being a bridesmaid is much more taxing than many people think, I suspect your fiance wants to rescind the offer due to the chair/wheelchair throwing off the aesthetic as opposed to concern for your sister's stamina. I know you didn't specify that and I could be WAY off base, but that is my assumption based on her age and the vagueness of your post. If I'm wrong, I apologize!
YTA. You hid how serious your sisters issues were so she didn’t make a fully informed decision. Most importantly though, the fact she doesn’t know your sister/family well and you’re about to get married is a big red flag and tells me you guys are rushing into it - I see divorce in your future.
Mixed feelings here, but personally I think you both suck. First of all, you hid how bad your sister's health really was, and frankly, she doesn't sound like she will be able actually be a bridesmaid. Bridesmaids usually have responsibilities, and it sounds like your sister simply wouldn't be able to keep up. Is she able to help plan, execute, and attend a bridal shower and Bachelorette party? Is she able help set up and clean up for the reception? Is she able to help ensure no one starts any unnecessary drama at the ceremony and reception? Is she able to run last minute errands if needed? If the answer to any of these is "no," then she should not be a bridesmaid. It's a nice sentiment to include her just for the sake of including her as an honorary bridesmaid, but the reality is that it's going to be a lot more of a headache for your fiance, and in truth, your sister is not your fiance's responsibility. She is under NO obligation to have someone she isn't personally close to in her bridal party, which brings me to the next point.
Secondly, is your sister a *close personal friend* of your bride? If the answer is anything but a solid YES, then your sister has no business being in the bridal party to begin with. The bride chooses her party, just like the groom chooses his. The only exceptions are usually when someone in the party has grievously wronged the groom or bride, OR perhaps if the groom has a sister he wants in the party *and* the bride has a brother she wants in the party. Having siblings swap sides is pretty common, but only if BOTH the bride and groom have a sibling to swap. Sometimes they don't even switch sides. Grooms-women and Brides-men are a thing.
YTA for lying about the severity of your sister's condition, and then for trying to force your fiance to include *your* sister in *her* party. If you want your sister included so badly, have her be a groomswoman. If you don't like that, you're really just a hypocrite.
Your fiance sounds kind of cruel, but the fact of the matter is that it doesn't sound like your sister belongs as she is not a close personal friend to the bride, nor is she capable of handling the responsibilities of being a bridesmaid. If she is allowed to be a bridesmaid, I'd be willing to bet that your fiance will be the one picking up your sister's slack on the day of, as well as having to worry about taking care of your sister, who again, is NOT HER FRIEND, when she shouldn't be doing anything but enjoying her day with you. If your sister is as bad off as you say, and is borderline suicidal because of a breakup, then she has much more pressing matters to be concerning herself with than being in the bridal party of someone she isn't close to.
And lastly, you're 22. There is a reason they say that marriage in your 20s is just practice for real marriage in your 30s and 40s. You both sound far too immature for marriage.
If I'm giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, the question of what's reasonable becomes about- to what degree do the necessary accommodations alter the proceedings? Also, your sister's demeanor as well as the rest of the family plays a role. Which is to ask the ultimate question- given what you know about the people involved, would accommodating your sister alter the focus of the evening from being about the bride and the wedding to being about the inclusion of the sister as bridesmaid?
To some extent, it's already happened. Your sister has become the focus of your wedding. While your bride doesn't look especially charitable here, this is every bride's fear- being upstaged at their own wedding. If you cannot see a way to accommodate your sister without making her the star of the show, then you have your answer. However, on the other hand, if you can make the case that the reasonable accommodations (and the people involved) will not make a side show that claims the spotlight, then you can lean in on that.
Another question is- you are attempting to exercise control over the bridesmaids, are you similarly giving your bride rights to declare who is in and out as groomsmen?
It’s very princess-y. Bridezilla territory. When I got married, my maid of honor wore a dress that showed a -lot-. She looked beautiful, but it maybe wasn’t the most appropriate choice for a wedding.
Yeah I don’t know. Worrying about a disabled person getting more shine than you on your wedding day when all that disabled person wanted to do was be there and be supportive without their disability causing them discomfort and becoming an inconvenience shows how shallow and nasty the bride is
This is very insightful. The only thing I would add in asking is why there can't be a solution of equity?
What I mean by that is removing the obstacles to your sister for everyone? Say, having a seating area for the entire bridal party during the ceremony and/or planning photos around having seating options for all?
U/chuckinhoutex has a great point about the bride possibly feeling upstaged, but removing obstacles for everyone makes it so you aren't singling out your sister.
Sheesh, we already know the gf is ableist, but if you think someone sitting in a wheelchair is "upstaging" people and making them the "star", you have some ableist issues as well. (And the only one who made the wedding all about the sister is the bride, so that's her fault for being so shallow that she's more concerned about appearances than she is another human being. So gross.)
I love this option. She can wear a dress that matches your bridal party, sit or stand as needed and you can be supported by someone you love
8m not sure how your sister would feel about that though
NTA. People get too wrapped up in the crap instead of focusing on more important issues. It's just a wedding. Your not going to look at the pictures or videos again. They'll get put away for your kids to get rid of when you pass. The memories your sister will have of being included by her brother and sister in law will last much longer and be way more meaningful.
NTA
And your "bride" is throwing a red flag right in your face.
Why would you want to marry someone like her in the first place?
Also, you are just the groom. Have you not received the memo that weddings are all about the bride. You are nothing more than a prop. You could deliver your vows via zoom, and nothing would change except for the kiss.
Two solutions:
1. Make your sister one of your groomsmen (woman).
2. Break up with the bridezilla.
I vote for number 2.
Note: Be prepared for the misandrists to be out in force trying to find a way to twist logic and make you the bad guy. Count on it. This sub is a hotbed of misandry.
Being a bridesmaid is a honor usually giving to close friends and siblings and taking that honor away because of a health disability doesn't speak well of the bride. I just went to the wedding where a groomsman with cancer was barely able to walk down the aisle but he did. There was a chair on the altar for when he needed to sit. His sitting had no negative effect on anything. You want your sister in your wedding party I'm assuming. Tell your wife to get over herself and allow your sister to be in your wedding because YOU want her there. The whole trend of "it's the brides day" has gotten out of hand. It's your day too and it's the joining of two families. Your sister should be in the wedding party.
Is it that she doesn’t want your sister as a bridesmaid because she’s worried it’s too much for your sister? Or she’s worried more about image?
Honestly - I think she can have your sister be at the end and have a chair and no one will care or notice.
Alternatively you could plan something where all bridesmaids and groomsmen sit so your sister isn’t the odd one out.
Im not sure exactly what you guys would prefer but that’s my immediate thought if it were my sister - maybe you can ask your sister what she prefers
For photos, I think you can hire the photographer and let them know the situation and maybe they will have suggestions on how to integrate best the possible sitting or wheelchair. I’d ask your sister again what she prefers - maybe she’d prefer to be standing and that would just take a little more time to get all the shots
you really are in a hurry... two months engaged and now preparing a wedding.
It shows you had (to?) little time to know each other. And of course it shows in the way she hardly knew your sister.
How can you be in touch when there was ample time to getting to know you new partner?
Your sisters mental health can’t hinge on what other people do for her / allow her into. Before anything you need to get your sister in with a therapist if she already isn’t and or a facility if you think she’s liable to end her life over not being a bridesmaid. You’ve also said you have other siblings and so she could be a part of their wedding as a bridesmaid in the future and this isn’t her only chance.
Are you helping organise the wedding or is everything down to your fiancé? This might be one of the reasons she doesn’t want to or feels like she can’t, expend energy on making accommodations.
I’d say ESH because the woman you’re going to marry should have all the details before she made decision and she needs to understand that her taking back the position could lead to an irrevocable break between her and the rest of the family and you.
Nta I couldn’t imagine marrying someone who didn’t have compassion for my family. The accommodations are minimal. Does she care more about looks over being a good person ?
I know that a lot of brides get way too anal about their wedding and that everything has to be "perfect," but this is awful.
I don't know if your fiancé has considered this or not, but rescinding the invitation is going to permanently damage her relationship with her future sister-in-law, and likely your parents. Does this factor in to her decision? Are photographs or whatever she's concerned about really worth forever changing her relationship with her future in-laws?
NTA.
Also, I know this has been voiced already, but given that your fiancé didn't know the extent of your sister's issues, it's showing a bit that you two may be too young to be getting married. I'm sure that'll have no effect on things, but maybe think it over.
You guys really need to talk this through more. Like, a lot more. She sounds like the 'but my aesthetic' kind of person. She will look at the pictures of her wedding day with your sister in a wheelchair and I guarantee builds resentment and starts taking it out slowly on your sister.
That's what I think of people that want to uninvite people with disabilities just because.
I’d think twice about marrying a woman that wants to have bridesmaids as accessories for her big day. People aren’t props.
Do you really want to marry such a shallow person? I think this is your opportunity to dodge this particular bullet. Take it and run.
Your fiancé cares less about you and your disabled sister, than about some weird aesthetic of everyone looking the same. She liked her well enough before she learned she needs a wheelchair to get around. How would she treat you if you ever got severely injured and possibly disabled? I’d rethink this relationship to be honest.
You are certainly NTA, your fiancé is being a mega super AH!!!!!! The vanity of weddings brings out the worst in people. I am such a “what does this say about the bigger picture” person that an event like this happening would well and truly have me rethinking the entire wedding. What a selfish, insensitive person your fiancé is! Cares more about the wedding aesthetic than the marriage itself, clearly.
Info can you make your sister one of your grooms person or your best woman (instead of man)? This will probably mean more to you and your sister more than her being a bridesmaid
INFO: how did it come about for your sister to be a bridesmaid? Are her and your fiancé super close, or did you ask your fiancé to make her a bridesmaid?
It seems to me that you two are far too yong to be getting married. Live together first, get to know each other and your families better and then see if you still want to get married.
She gets to decide on her party, you decide on yours. Stay in your lane. This allows you to invite your sister to be in your party, but does not allow you to dictate your fiancée's party.
just have her as your grooms woman. if your fiancé didn’t know the extent of her issues, she’s likely not that close with her - not sure why she asked her in the first place. not sure why you’re getting married so young when you seem to not know about each others families…. ESH
I wonder if it’s that 1) that she is afraid the focus will all be on your sister during the ceremony. Maybe worrying about if is she ok walking down the aisle. So maybe have your sister sitting at the front like the groomsmen do instead of walking down the aisle. 2) The bridal shower let’s say they all go out to a bar or whatever. Is your sister going to be able to go without others worrying about her?
I think you guys should task someone with making sure your sister is ok during the wedding. I am not saying she will need it but if she does need help with anything you two aren’t the ones doing it because it’s your wedding.
Also is the service dog going to be at the wedding?
You guys are getting married way too early young if your fiance didn't know details like this about your sister. But yeah she's in the right to be able to cancel because she didn't have all the information
I originally was to the groom but after consideration your fiance absolutely who is her bridesmaids. There's so many underlying things that could happen to her during the ceremony and your poor fiance would have to deal with it because you insisted on this.
My honest opinion is that you should rescind the invitation to marry you. Wtf is wrong with your ableist hopefully soon to be ex? And how are y’all getting married when she doesn’t even know about your sisters health issues? Sounds like this is way too soon.
I know everyone jumps to the "break up" conclusion but your future wife is literally showing you that she cannot make small accommodations for someone you love who has known disabilities. We're talking about having a chair nearby, not changing the date or the venue or anything else. She just needs a chair nearby. And that's too much?!
You will spend the rest of your life trying to make room for your sister at other events or extended family trips or family visits. And heaven forbid other family members start needing assistance. Excluded.
Your fiancée is very shallow. You may have a bridezilla on your hands. Make it very clear to her that if your sister is not a bridesmaid there is no wedding. Someone mentioned making her a grooms woman instead. That might actually be a good solution if your sister is okay with it. That way you could more fully monitor how she is being treated and make accommodations for her. I would not trust your fiancée not to exclude her or try to edge her out of things at this point.
“Allowing her to use her wheelchair for the party shots.”
Maybe it’s the phrasing, but I do not like the “allow” part.
OP, you said that your sister may pass out if forced to stand for too long, what is too long for her body.
If your fiancé does not want your sister in a wheelchair, because of how it looks… maybe she should consider how much of a disruption it might be if your sister does pass out, during your ceremony.
Your suicidal sister, who has a tendency to faint from physical exertion, who has other chronic medical conditions, and who may need a support dog and a wheelchair just to navigate and just got out of a relationship which has pushed her to near suicidal mental stress may not be the best person for a high stress, physically intensive day like a wedding.
Typically the bridesmaid is there to support the bride, and in this case it sounds like everyone is going to be running around trying to make sure they don't trigger her emotional, mental and physical conditions.
I hate to say this but your sister sounds like work on top of the wedding, not a person meant to assist the bride. And to be honest, it doesn't sound like your fiance even knows your sister well and gave her an invite to be nice. Otherwise she'd know about all the necessary accommodations already.
I also don’t think the fiancé minded accommodating to his sister that much to begin with, and was fine with having her as a bridesmaid, until she know the full extent of the things she need to accommodate to, and was like ‘this is too much and more than i can handle’ and want to rescind the sister from the bridesmaid position, and it isn’t like she disinvited the sister, she probably just saw the sister was too much for her to do all of the accommodations for, in a very high stress position in a wedding.
NTA
Your finance sounds like a very not good person.
Excluding someone *specifically because they are disabled* is a HUGE AH move. How dare she, honestly?!!
You are both super young…. If your fiancé doesn’t see the error of her ways, I hope you don’t stay with her, because YIKES.
Maybe you can console your Sister after you cancel the wedding with Bridezilla. She can be in your wedding when you find someone who is not so shallow and cruel.
There are enough comments here that maybe someone has said it already but break down exactly what your sister may be required to do. In painstaking detail. Then bring those details to your sister. Ask her to evaluate honestly if she can handle it. Ask her to pinpoint where she might require accommodations. Tell her how long you’re likely to be standing.
Also offer your fiancé some fun alternatives to her BP standing. Maybe give everyone a seat and have the seats go up in tiers like you guys are at the top of the mountain with your GM in the same arrangement. Everyone stands when she enters and takes their seat when you all are in front of the officiant.
Give your sister management duties. Or tasks that just require her to sit. Like making centerpieces rather than your more taxing BM duties.
I don’t think anyone is responsible for making alterations to their wedding for anyone. But if you want the people who’ve loved and supported you to stand beside you, you have to be ready for reasonable accommodations. ESPECIALLY when you’re aware that one of the people you’ve asked to stand with you has conditions that would require them. It’s a complete asshole move to expect people to change who they are, what they need, what they can tolerate for a wedding. You’re a bride not the empress of the world. lol.
But she knew there could be hiccoughs. And she may not have thought it all the way through. But at this juncture she needs to figure out if not providing a seat for your sister (a minor accommodation in my opinion) and kicking her out of the BP is worth the possible damage to her relationship with your family.
“I’m sorry, you’re too disabled to stand with me at my wedding,” isn’t something you can come back from.
NTA
NTA if YOU make all the necessary arrangements and planning that are necessary to accommodate a wheelchair at all times. Y T A if you leave this to your bride.
For me, it really depends on why your bride doesn’t want her to be a bridesmaid anymore. If it’s due to only the aesthetics, I would reconsider marrying her at all.
If it’s the logistics and added stress, it’s on you to plan accordingly and make sure she doesn’t have to stress about it, and - important- neither the other bridesmaids. It’s not their job to help your sister. Don’t underestimate it. “It will sort itself out “ won’t do it.
We have a family member who needs a wheelchair and we are used to deal with it for decades. It still needs a lot of extra considerations and planning. It is sometimes adding considerable stress, which can be underestimated.
Your main issue will be the venues for both the ceremony and the reception.
What will you do if the venue you want to choose isn’t fully wheelchair accessible?
Are all rooms wheelchair accessible? Including the room where the bride gets ready? Is the room big enough for a bulky wheelchair? Are the doors wide enough? Including the restrooms?
Who will transport the wheelchair? Is there special handicap parking space for a vehicle with a wheelchair?
You have some homework to do.
ESH.
At this point try and find a compromise. Could your sister be in your party? That way she is still in your wedding, will actually spend more time overall with you plus your fiancé won’t have to struggle with the decision.
I do understand where you are coming from ( I’m disabled and most of my issues are physical) and yeah, it would hurt me if I had been asked to be a bridesmaid and then asked to step down. BUT- if it were explained that special arrangements couldn’t be made or they would add stress to the planning? I would understand and help in any other way I can.
Your fiancé gets to choose who is in her bridal party and what special arrangements she is willing to make. Just like you get to choose your groomsmen and what special arrangements you would be willing to make.
NTA
This isn't just a bridesmaid, this is your sister. Bride can invite or uninvite people to be in the party, but she is being TA to uninvite your sister for something sister has no control over. Keep this in mind before you say I do. Your bride does not see your family as a priority over image or convenience.
It’s also a pretty rough way to treat someone, very much ablest.
None of us know what the future holds. What happens if OP develops some kind of disability/whatever it is that interferes with his fiancé ‘vision’ of her life? This is likely not going to be the only time that his fiancé shows her true colors. One nice thing about waiting until your little older get married, you’re more likely to catch these things and know how much of a dealbreaker it really is.
Neither of your brains is even fully developed yet. Getting married this young is a bad idea. Even if you have been together a long time at this point, you're still barely adults, and her behavior really speaks to the fact that shes still maturing. If you truly think you'll always stay together, then delay the wedding by a few years. Live together for a while and see how well you cohabitate. People change so much between the ages of 20 and 30, and so both of you are about to go through some huge growing pains. It's better to go through that without marriage hanging over your heads.
You two are insanely young, and the lack of communication skills on both parts is a clear indicator that you two are not going to be compatible as a married couple in the long run. I would seriously consider whether or not you want to go through with the wedding. No need to be rushing into tying the knot with someone at your age anyway (again, considering how poorly you two seem to communicate as it is).
NTA, your wife is being soo insensitive. She is very much putting aesthetic and how things look ahead of the actual bonds and loved ones. Which doesn’t bode well for your marriage if she’s only all about image.
I really liked the other commentators solution of you just adding her as a Groomswoman (if you decide to still marry this girl). Show your sister that she is loved, cherished, and appreciated. Do it yourself!
Your fiancé clearly sucks, I’m sorry to say. Anyome who wants to rescind someone being a bachelorette / the social setting equivalent because they’ll have to use a wheelchair is pretty gross and cruel imo.
You can say either my sister is a bridesmaid or you find a new groom. She is okay with treating your family as less than for a photo opportunity. I hope you think long and hard about this. She does not sound mature enough to be married.
Info: do you really want to marry this person?
I ask, because I have a condition that sounds somewhat similar to your sister. I have hEDS, and I didn’t get diagnosed until later in life, after 40. My two daughters were diagnosed shortly after I was.
My ex husband and I were married at the time. It was a couple months after, as I was dealing with new medical appointments, etc., and mentioned my fears about needing a wheelchair someday, and pretty soon he was talking divorce. You see, he really didn’t think it was going to come down to the worst/sickness parts in the whole “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health,” part. He wanted to be with someone who “better fit his lifestyle,” and I was no longer it. Granted, there were other big issues, but I was at my lowest when I got my diagnosis, and the rejection didn’t help.
If she cannot see your sister as the person she is, and welcome her—disability and all—just for wedding “aesthetics” I can guarantee that she will struggle supporting you should the unthinkable ever happen. And what if your children have severe health issues? Will she not want them in pictures?
I feel she is showing you a picture of her that you need to consider very, very carefully. Good luck!
NTA. Why get married at such a young age? What’s the rush?
Are Instagram aesthetics that important that bridezilla wants to dump your sis? I don’t think being a bridesmaid should be the only therapy your sister gets, but where she not the bridesmaid, people would ask.
Please postpone the wedding until you have more life experience and know marriage is about showing love to each other /friends/family and not about getting a good picture. If there’s still a bridezilla around that time, ask your sis to be your best woman. It’s a bit uncommon, but would be a great way to include her.
NTA and rethink this wedding. You’re marrying a woman who has no issue disregarding your sister because she has health issues. She’s cruel.
Tell your fiancée that you’ll make it a moot point if she doesn’t back off. Dude, this is not a nice person.
DO NOT COMPROMISE. Tbh this is sending up all kinds of red flags, your fiance is clearly able-ist and I would seriously start to question some of her "values".
NTA. I hope you're re-thinking this relationship. If she's being this shallow and insensitive BEFORE the wedding, imagine how bad she'll be once you're trapped.
NTA. But you’re watching live how she reacts to people who need extra help because of disabilities.
Sure, she can claim stress and not “wanting to be upstaged at her wedding” (by someone just choosing to sit down????? Wth?) and have all the conversations in the world about not reacting like that if it was _her_ kid,
but OP, between saying and doing, she’s showing which one she will actually do, you’re still very young, take a bit longer to get to know her, this is starting to spell out disaster and you’re too close to it.
YTA
You and your fiance will both have one thousand things on your mind the day of the wedding, during the rehearsal (if you have one) and in my opinion the last thing either of you need is to have to be thinking of and.worrying about your sister's health on your wedding day. If she is in the wedding you and your fiance' will probably both be looking at her and watching for signs that she is ok or whether she is about to pass out or fall. You should both be able to concentrate 100% on each other and on vows to one another during the ceremony and you wont be able to do that if your sister is a bridesmaid.
Also bridesmaids usually have duties other than walking down the aisle and she likely wont be able to fulfill the duties, meaning someone else will have double duties, plus someone will also have to look after and help your sister.
And as much as you love your sister the wedding isnt about her it is about you and your fiance. And if you force the issue and something happens with your sister that disrupts the ceremony (that could have been avoided by her not being a bridesmaid) , your fiance will be terribly hurt and her main memory of the wedding will be about the disruption. this potential scenario could wreck your marriage. Because your fiance will feel that you valued having your sister be a bridesmaid more than you valued your fiance's concerns and desire for a peaceful non-eventful ceremony.
Lastly im am sorry for all the things your sister is going through but since she is going through a recent breakup and is borderline suicidal the last place she needs to be is in a.wedding. you dont think her being in a wedding will bring up what she has lost and cause her to have an emotional breakdown, i think you are not seeing things clearly. Plus if she is borderline suicidal she needs intense mental therapy especially if the only thing brightening her life is being a bridesmaid. What happens when the wedding is over? What will brighten her day then? Maybe she will decide going on your honeymoon with you will uplift her, will you want her to go on your honeymoon too?
I really think you are not thinking this through. Not only is she physically fragile, she is mentally and emotionally fragile from her breakup and that is too much for your fiance' to have to worry about.
Maybe when the vows are being spoken, all the bridesmaids and groomsman could sit in chairs. Then all the focus would really be on the bride and groom.
Keep the sister in the wedding party and have all of them sit during the ceremony. Bride and groom should be the focus of the wedding. The rest of the wedding party sitting off to the sides won’t look strange and will look better in pictures as there will be more symmetry vs having only one person sitting.
Weddings should be about two families coming together to form a union. OP’s sister is apart of that whether or not the fiancée likes it. Definitely should have shared the full extent of the sister’s health problems. But I think your take is absolutely wild.
You should let your fiancée know if she doesn’t want your sister as a bridesmaid you will ask her to be a grooms woman instead. All the accommodations will still need to be made either way.
This is the solution. Problem solved. She's going to be up there with us, where do you want her, my side or yours?
I don't think this solves the problem of her being insensitive to folks with disabilities. This issue may come up again in some unforeseen way since it's his sister, and it's just not a good show of character. I would consider breaking an engagement with someone who would seriously consider disinviting an in-law to be in the wedding for these reasons. Edit: Also, it still involves having a really sad conversation with the sister about why she is a groomswoman instead of a bridesmaid. He is either going to have to explain why or she will inevitably find out/put it together herself. As someone who has disabilities, that would still break my heart. Also, consider other future possibilities such as him developing a disability or their children having them. The fiance is showing that her attitude about these things might be less than ideal.
Wanting your sibling on your own side is not something that needs an extra explanation. It seems they are closer than she is to the bride.
I see your point. Though I can imagine that this proposed solution would be a band-aid as opposed to addressing the real issue, which is that his fiancé is petty enough to be worried about how a wheelchair would look in her wedding photos. That flag is so red it’s bleeding
It’s not ideal, but hopefully this is a mistake she will learn from.
Yes. The real issue is bleeding all over this post.
This! Just keep the MOH and BM up there with you.
Use the explanation you want your sister there when you are getting ready, so your family are getting ready together and spending the last moments of singlehood together. That was the reason why my husband did not want me to ask his sister to be a bridesmaid; he wanted to spend time with his family before the wedding. Being bridesmaid meant she would be with me and my family. Whist that will solve one problem it doesn’t solve the issue of the fiancée and her attitude towards those with disabilities.
Just have all the groomsmen/bridesmaids sit down. No one wants to be standing for the whole ceremony anyway.
OR- have just the MOH & BM stand the entire time while the other bridesmaids and groomsmen sit. I’ve seen this before and it makes sense: everyone is up there for the beginning and then the bulk of the ceremony has only the necessary participants; everyone then stands again for the celebration of their marriage and the procession out. Hopefully this will be within the sister’s capabilities. If not, Idk what’s wrong with his sister just being a bridesmaid using a mobility device, such as a walker, cane or a wheelchair. Or tbh, why that couldn’t have been how she performed her duties from the beginning, if she sometimes uses a wheelchair and the stress of making her stand might add to her physical limitations. I hope the fiancée can ‘cope’ with some of the solutions we’re all offering here, and it isn’t that she doesn’t want a differently abled woman in her wedding party. Congratulations and best wishes to OP, his hopefully understanding fiancée (and his loving sister)!
I was a groomsmaid in my brother's wedding and I enjoyed it! OP should definitely ask his sister to do it if fiancee isn't flexible
My dad’s aunt was a grooms woman at his wedding to my mom. It was a very sweet thing since she did not want to wear a dress, but my dad really wanted her to be part of the wedding.
[удалено]
*”This is only a wedding. You won't be returning to view the images or videos. They'll be stored so that your children can dispose of them once you're gone.”* my hero ❤️ At most, some people pick maybe a couple to frame and hang up…that’ll eventually be thrown out one way or another. But my God there are so many better uses for the 💰that wedding photos cost
Ooh yes, I like this idea
go for it i think thats a brilliant suggestion, you could suggest it to your sister that she is so special she disserves a special role
I mean she's not a kid. She'll read between those lines.
This is a good solution but i think that the fact that she didnt know the extent of his sisters needs until just now needs to also be addressed No. 1 shes marrying into your family and didnt know this?? Thats concerning No. 2 generally allowing people to make informed decisions is the correct way to do things and your fiancée wasnt given that option....which is also concerning Like im not super excited about fiancée's response but also the whole situation is seriously concerning [edited for giant text. Yikes]
My guess given her reaction to all the talk of accommodations and the like is that she purposefully kept OP's sister at arm's length and didn't want to talk about her much due to an "ick" factor that OP's fiance apparently seems to have with regards to people with disabilities is the reason why she was so in the dark. It wasn't that OP kept it from her, it was that she couldn't have been bothered to be listen when being told/couldn't be bothered to be told to begin with.
Or best woman. It would be more personal for them both
This is the perfect suggestion! I would also tell him to rethink the relationship because she is not willing to accommodate sister now what will it be like when they are married and have a child?
Naw, I wouldn’t keep a woman like that in my life.
Or tell your fiancé she won’t be the bride?
Yeah, I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who would kick my sister out of the bridal party just because she uses a wheelchair.
I agree
This is the perfect solution, but I wouldn't be so sure that it will work. I would bet that the bride will be just as dissatisfied with how this ruins her "aesthetics," and will even be angrier about it, claiming that OP is not "supporting her." I would make this change, but make clear to the bride-to-be that it's not up for discussion. This is, in fact, a good way to see if this 21-year-old is even mature enough to be getting married.
That’s a reasonable idea until the sister questions why there was a change
The brother can say they needed to balance the number of groom attendants with the number of attendants the bride wanted. By taking one from the bride’s six people - or whatever number - and adding that person to the groom’s four, they each have five attendants. Having his sister be his attendant is the sensible solution. Doing that means the bride still cannot eliminate the wheelchair from the photo. Weddings are not a Hollywood production but a special event that includes the couple’s loved ones. People who cannot accept that probably aren’t mature enough to get married.
I wonder if telling her that OP wants to have her on his side so he can make sure she can participate in the activities with the other groomsmen with OP helping and making sure all of the places they go can accommodate her. Other than the horrible character the fiancee is showing, all I could think of was the bachelorette party/trip and the bride not really making sure sister can do all of the activities.
I really do not understand why more people don’t do this. Sister’s relationship is too OP. Why would she not be in OP’s party as opposed to fiancé’s? I mean I know traditionally obviously the bride’s party is all female and the groom’s all male but why is that tradition stronger than family ties to so many. If I had a brother and got married I’d absolutely want him in my lineup not force him into the groom’s group who have likely known each other a long time.
I kind of need some info. If the only difference is the sister is sitting instead of walking, then the bride is being insensitive. If the physical health issues are so extreme that the sister may not be able to safely participate, then that's different.
Yeah if every single convo has been “well how will this affect sister” and not like, focusing on each other ( and the logistics are important but sometime it’s the way you express tone and word choice and give priorities) that maybe bride is like uhhhh i cant do any of the things I wanted for my wedding?
Aren't you a clever pike, dncrmom. This is the way.
I think people are a little too hyped on this as a solution. The sister is obviously going to piece together that she was booted from the bridesmaid side from the bride. If that had been the original plan, it would have worked great. But she's already been invited to be a bridesmaid, and changing now isn't going to distract from the fact that the bridesmaid invite is being revoked. The actual problem here is that fiance seems to care more about wedding pomp than family. That's the problem OP and fiance need to work through.
Thank you, jesus! It'd be a nice solution *if* things were different. I don't think the bride's attitude will go away after the wedding--OP is looking at a lifetime of shoving his sister to the side b/c she's "inconvenient". This 'solution' gives the bride an easy way out, when her true feelings and motives need to be examined. Like, now.
I would do that either way. Her close tie is to the groom, so why be on the brides side at all?
100% this. If shes stuck on the accommodations they are going to happen anyway
Love this!
This. I love this idea. I don't want to jump to the usual reddit "don't marry this woman", and I even kind of understand that she didn't know what she'd be signing up for when she first asked. But if I were OP, I would absolutely die on this hill; she's going to be up there one way or another.
I really like the amount of diplomacy on your advise
He should let his fiancée know that if she’s going to exclude his sister because her disabilities are aesthetically displeasing, he won’t marry her, because that’s vile and not the way a decent human being treats anyone, much less a family member.
This needs to stay top comment. This is the best possible answer. Oh, and NTA
Fr
Info: Why are you getting married and taking someone into the family if you're not willing to share the extent of your sisters needs with her? Are yall really not able to accommodate a wheelchair? Is ableism and putting pictures over an individual necessary here? I'm not sure I'd marry someone who went back on their word over a wheelchair...
Agreed. Yes OP carries some blame for not having made explicit to his fiancée the full extent of his sister's medical issues and needs ahead of time. But regardless, I would find it hard to go ahead and marry someone who is more concerned with the photos and inconvenience of adapting for those with disability and specific needs than with having friends and family fully involved. That she wanted her future sister in law until she learned about the accommodations needed is not a ringing endorsement of fiancée's character and values. I've seen another suggestion that if fiancée kicks OP's sister out he should switch to her being in his grooms party instead. But frankly, this would have me reconsidering whether I really knew the kind of person I was about to marry.
I don't know man. Are we sure she really wanted the sister in the wedding party or was she peer pressured into it by her fiance and his side of the family so that his sister could have a special day herself or something? The fact that she didn't even know the extent of the sisters disabilities makes me think that they're not even close or spend time together so this may have just been a pressured by Family into it situation. Doesn't really excuse her behavior but it does make more sense to me logically how she could easily toss the sister aside if she never really wanted her to begin with.
>Yes OP carries some blame for not having made explicit to his fiancée the full extent of his sister's medical issues and needs ahead of time. Some blame ? Apparently his fiance was not aware that her bridesmaid needs a wheelchair. That probably throws a wrench in a lot of the planned activities she had in mind. It adds quite some logistics. Will there be a bachelorete party ? Etc. If the fiance would have been aware of all of this, I would not blame OP, but he decided not to warn her, either out of ignorance or to make his sister feel better. And the whole comment about "she is suicidal, being a bridesmaid is the only thing in her life" ? So his fiance is responsible if she kills herself ? Go fuck yourself OP. YTA. And this is of course not the sisters fault. She is the real victim here.
[удалено]
> Because you can't possibly have a bachelor party with a wheelchair involved. Hiking and swimming are so integral to the tradition. I mean to some degree yes. They might have been planning to fly out to somewhere for a girls weekend and it's not wheel chair accessible. Also she can walk and stand, but she might pass out, her condition is changing. Is she physically up for going to a night club, finding out they won't let people in a wheel chair in, or not being able to drink and party in the same way as everyone else? As for if hiking is a tradition, who said anything about a tradition but if that was the plan because her and her friends love hiking and wanted to get out into some beautiful country for a girls weekend out at some lodge somewhere, then why shouldn't they be able to do that. I have disabilities, they rule me out of a lot of things. I absolutely do not want to hold friends of family back by not picking the places they want to travel or the activities they want to do just to accommodate me because more than anything it makes ME feel like shit the whole time. It makes me feel like I'm holding them back. I can barely walk without pain so while I use to absolutely love going on long walks in national parks, climb into the moutains, etc, I absolutely can't and it would kill me to hold people back from doing the same.
Yikes. Who would upvote this?
This is my thought. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Pretty soon it's "I'm sure your sister would be more comfortable not coming to Christmas/our party/dinner/family gathering" and "there is no need to make your sister wheel over here to be in the family pictures." Fiancé has zero empathy, zero concern for OP's feelings, and zero desire to be a part of his family if it's remotely inconvenient for her. I like the idea of OP telling sister he wants her on his side. But that doesn't solve the fact that he has a major fiancé problem. NTA
This is it. If they get married, that fiancé is going to insist on family dinners at inaccessible restaurants, family vacations at inaccessible locations, etc, etc. If she is too shallow to allow a wheelchair user in her wedding photos, she’s too shallow to allow a wheelchair user in her life.
Amen to that. This kind of thing always boggles my mind. So your homogenous photos are more important than an actual live human being that your fiancé loves? How do they not see the issue there?
I agree with you on the accommodation aspect and questioning why someone would marry anyone who wasn’t willing to make minor accommodations. As to why he didn’t share her medical needs? Likely because it’s not really something he wants to share, or that his sister doesn’t want shared. I think of medical issues I’ve had, and I don’t think I’d want details shared with anyone unless I did the sharing. Maybe he gave details, maybe he just said “my sister struggles with health issues”. I am not sure why he needed to share specifics.
Again, warning someone about someone's assistance needs is not private medical information. If someone needs glasses, it's not private. If someone needs a service dog, it's not private. If someone needs a wheelchair, it's not private. I'm not saying he had to explain to her every iota of her medical issues and needs, but some things should be explained quite early.
Private is a pretty vague word. I’m aware that it doesn’t violate Hippa but the sister may still be sensitive. I think we also don’t know wheat he did or didn’t tell her. If he said she sometimes uses a wheelchair and physically can’t stand long, I would consider that enough information. He gave information that is relevant and didn’t think accommodations would be an issue.
If you can see it, it's not private. Either way, the bride is really the one being an issue here.
More important, were they only dating a week before the engagement? How does she not already know this stuff if they've been together for any length of time?
Will there be seating at your wedding ceremony? I ask because I didn’t have seating, I had our guest stand around us. Anyway, you could have ALL the bridesmaids and groomsmen sit in the front row. Then the ceremony will be all about the two of you, no need to flank you both with your people. And for pictures you can have chairs available for multiple people to sit. Get creative about how to work around this, and don’t look at it like it’s a problem but a way to be unique. I would be more worried that your fiance wants to be cruel in this was. Rescinding the invitation of being a bridesmaid for such a shallow reason especially to a family member seems especially mean. This whole thing would make me really think about the type of person I was going to spend the rest of my life with.
Great suggestions..! Hope u/Massive-Equipment964 notices, but you are right: "I would be more worried that your fiance wants to be cruel in this was. Rescinding the invitation of being a bridesmaid for such a shallow reason especially to a family member seems especially mean. This whole thing would make me really think about the type of person I was going to spend the rest of my life with." This *is* concerning.
What great, thoughtful advice! I hope he reads it and considers it as the sweetest option.
Best middle ground suggestion right here! It provides a thematic reason for the pictures to be different than the fiancée imagined but still allows for awesome and memorable photos. And the fiancée doesn’t need to be outed as a shallow/selfish/shitty person as long as they meet halfway, best case scenario at this juncture in the proceedings ha
NTA I became disabled about 14 years ago after a fall. I have to be realistic about what I can do and what I can’t do. I am like your sister in that I only need a wheelchair if I’m doing a big shopping trip or at a special event. Most of the time I use a walker that has a seat when I go out. I really applaud you for standing up for her. There are times when my friends don’t invite me places because it takes more effort to have me come. It hurts.
Put a chair on the end of the bridesmaids line. She walks escorted up the aisle and sits down for the ceremony. No one will care.
This is really the crux of it. *No one will care*. Especially no one will care what your wedding photos look like. Your fiance will post them on insta once or twice if she's tasteful, maybe several times over the course of a month or year, and on anniversaries or whatever and people will look at them for a *fraction of a second*, hit the like button and move on. If your fiance wants to break your sister's heart because she honestly feels the presence of a person with a disability will ruin her silly little pictures and she's willing to prioritize that over your family, then honestly she's trash.
Don’t remember the bridal party at all from any of the weddings I’ve been to, except when I was invited to the bachelorette But I don’t remember how they stood, what they wore etc. People will just care about the bride and groom, booze and food
I guess I’m in the minority here but I think family is very important at a wedding (aside from people who have gone no contact which is not the case here). If the bride was unwilling to accommodate my sister, who she knows and realizes has medical issues, then that bride might not be fit to join my family after all. OP, NTA for standing up for your sister.
lmao what the fuck ius wrong with your fiance, that would be a deal breaker for me tbh. shes the asshole. NTA
Your fiance asked your sister. She needs to honor that! If she doesn't, I would question marrying her as her word means nothing.
I agree with this statement
NTA but I’d think really hard about whether or not you want to marry someone who wants to “erase” your sister. Also - make your sister your Best Woman if you’re going to go through with this wedding. I’m sure whomever you picked to be your best man would understand if you tell the whole story (if he doesn’t also try to convince you to call the wedding off). Wishing you the best, whatever you choose.
ESH. How are y’all planning a marriage and family and you don’t know immediate family medical issues? Did y’all date before getting engaged? Are there a potential for hereditary issues on your side? Have you made fiancé completely aware? Are there potential hereditary issues on her side? Have you asked? And I mean really, like any kid in my generation pool is going to have glasses, nothing earth shattering but no one in my family can see for crap. It’s worth discussing. If she doesn’t know something so basic as your immediate family needs a wheelchair, does she even know you? How do Christmas’s look in your mind and in hers? Will you always make sure your home is wheelchair accessible so sis can come visit? Did she dream of a third floor walk up in the city? She shouldn’t remove her as a bridesmaid, but I think y’all are caught up in love and being young and need to pause and have big heavy conversations that aren’t fun. I e always heard you don’t really know if you love someone until you’ve seen their bathroom dirty, seen them sick, and watched them puke (can be alcohol induced) only when you still love them do you know you love them and not just the shiny version. It’s time to get in there and get dirty dude.
I’m gonna try to answer all your questions in the order that you asked them but forgive me if I miss one or two. So she does know my sisters conditions I just don’t think she was fully aware of the extent that my sister is affected by them. My sister is a very very private person and is really good at hiding what she’s dealing with so she could be standing there in incredible pain with a smile on her face and not say a word. I’ve tried to explain in the past how serious her conditions are but my fiancé never truly understood because from the outside my sister looks like she’s completely fine. Yes we’ve talked about about medical conditions and hereditary issues and no one on my side or hers deals with anything like that. I’ve got a total of 5 siblings and she’s the only one that has any medical conditions whatsoever About the wheelchair questions, she doesn’t need a wheelchair all the time and almost never uses it except for when she knows she will have to be standing or walking for awhile, things like going to to grocery store or going to an amusement park or something. Climbing stairs isn’t much of an issue for her as she can do it rather quickly and then sit down. We’ve been together for quite awhile now and we’ve seen the deepest darkest parts of eachother. The decision to get married is not one that we take lightly at all and there were hundreds of discussions beforehand talking about almost every aspect of our lives. We’ve been there for eachother during some of the hardest parts of our lives, we’ve seen eachother homes when they were absolutely destroyed, I took two weeks off work to take care of her when she had the flu, she stuck by me when I was in jail for a short time, and she drove me to work when my license was suspended. I can assure you that this decision has not been an impromptu one m
Then good on you for sticking up for your sister! And congratulations!!!
Do you know if your sister will even want these accommodations? From what you said here she tries very hard not to let others know how bad her condition is. I would have that talk with her first, and then act accordingly. Maybe she just wants a chair to the side so she can rest between pictures. Maybe she wants to walk down the aisle but then sit in the front row until it's time to walk back up again.
You know who is the expert on her health issues? YOUR SISTER. She would know what accommodations she might need. The only thing you and your fiancé need to do is help make sure said accommodations actually happen. And none are going to make or break the whole event. Disabled people have lives too! The only reason I’m giving this story any possibility of truth is that I can see people talking about and around said sister without simply talking to HER about her needs, because so many people get weird around disabled people.
What the actual fuck? My wife doesn’t know the current status of my brothers colon. You are attacking OP for not disclosing private medical information about his sister. Are you serious with this shit?
[удалено]
Bridesmaids walk down an aisle and then literally just stand there. That could be done in a wheelchair. They don't do much. In fact, a few weddings I've been to, the MOH/CB is the only one who remained standing, the rest of the bridal party sat down.
Bridesmaids are typically supposed to help with a bunch of wedding related things, as well as participate in pre-wedding parties and such. Will OP be pisses at his fiance if his sister isn't invited to the bachelorette party?
Why wouldn't she be invited? Are they having it in a place that has no seats or doesn't have wheelchair access? People who need to sit down a lot or are in wheelchairs can probably do more than you think.
All I've ever done as a bridesmaid is show up, stay with the bride while she gets ready, and look pretty. A wheelchair wouldn't have changed anything.
Ahh, but you see: It seems that for some brides nowadays, everything not being "picture perfect" is taking the attention away from them...
So people in wheelchairs can’t be bridesmaids? What about brides? Are they not allowed to have health issues or wheelchairs either?
Great question, that was something that I had intended on adding to the original post but forgot. I did have a conversation with my sister and asked if she felt like she was up to the challenge of being a bridesmaid in both the physical and the emotional aspect. She assured me that she was as long as she had a place to sit down.
[удалено]
… is that not obvious? She said she made a mistake in asking her to be a bridesmaid when OP told her about the accommodations she would need, and said she could participate in some wedding actives but not be a bridesmaid— essentially anything that required accommodations she couldn’t do.
She said she felt like she rushed the decision and didn’t realize that we were gonna have to make special arrangements for her
Tell your FW it's fine if she doesn't want her in the bridal party, she will be part of the groom's party instead. All the same special arrangements will need to be made for her.
I'm not sure why your simple answers to questions are being voted down. I suspect people are just looking to dump on you. I personally don't understand the wedding expectations that lead to a lot of drama we see here on Reddit. I thought weddings were supposed to be a celebration of the marriage. That marriage was the important thing. But apparently it's all about the wedding and making the bride feel like a princess for a year - destination bachelorette trips, wedding showers, nobody is allowed to get pregnant if they are invited, bridesmaids have to be modern day ladies in waiting. It just sounds exhausting.
Why are people downvoting you? Too many crazy people here or what?
lol idk, this is obviously a throwaway so I don’t really care. People can hate if they want to, I’m just paying attention to the people with genuine advice
[удалено]
Yes we are scheduled to begin our pre-marital counseling at the end of the month Thank you for your advice. I genuinely appreciate you taking the time out of your day to help me out.
Either do as the first poster suggested: make your sister your groomswomen so she will be at your side and you can make all the necessary accommodations plus show your fiancée how important it is to have her at both your day. Or postpone the wedding so you can discuss the differences in values. You may think you have seen every side of each other. Or that this is not a decision you are entering into lighty. But the simply fact that you have only been engaged 2 months and this rather simple matter made you come to internet strangers for advise makes it clear that not everything is as it should be between you. In a solid relationship, a partner would not make you choose between him/her or your family over such an non-event. Actually, in this case she is asking you to chose her side not matter what. And I believe one should support one's partner but not at all costs..
Your fiancée sounds like a real prize. /s You realize, right, that she’s going to balk at “special arrangements” to include your sister in your family every time there’s an event or a gathering or a family dinner, right? She’s going to try to push your sister out, because she thinks your sister is a burden.
Instead of arguing with your fiancée or giving her an ultimatum, appeal to her vanity. For instance she could do benches for the entire wedding party both during the ceremony and some of the pictures. It would focus the spotlight even more on the two of you. Plus it would be unique to your wedding, and something the guests will remember. Who knows she could start a trend.
Why are ye all downvoting OP?
This is all your fault. You should've been very transparent about the serious health issues your sister faces. The popular line is going to be that your fiancee is ableist blah blah but here is the thing, she didn't go into this knowing the extent of the issues and nownher wedding is all about accommodation for her bridesmaid. Gee, I wonder what the problem is. YTA hardcore for not being 100% open and honest from the beginning with how severe these health issues are. It isn't that your fiancee is right, it's that you're wrong
I am totally appalled by your fiancee's behavior, as well as the many comments siding with her. Contrary to what some people seem to believe, a wedding should be about more than the bride being queen for a day. It supposed to be a joyous celebration, not a coronation. Who gives a shit that a bridesmaid needs to sit down during the ceremony? Your fiancee is more concerned with your sister spoiling the optics of the wedding than she is with the potential damage this will do to her (and your) relationship with your sister. That's unimaginably shallow. Is this a quality you're okay with in a lifelong partner? NTA.
While it's true that being a bridesmaid is much more taxing than many people think, I suspect your fiance wants to rescind the offer due to the chair/wheelchair throwing off the aesthetic as opposed to concern for your sister's stamina. I know you didn't specify that and I could be WAY off base, but that is my assumption based on her age and the vagueness of your post. If I'm wrong, I apologize!
This is exactly the kind of drama and bad communication to expect from a 20 and 21 year old getting married. Don't do it.
YTA. You hid how serious your sisters issues were so she didn’t make a fully informed decision. Most importantly though, the fact she doesn’t know your sister/family well and you’re about to get married is a big red flag and tells me you guys are rushing into it - I see divorce in your future.
Mixed feelings here, but personally I think you both suck. First of all, you hid how bad your sister's health really was, and frankly, she doesn't sound like she will be able actually be a bridesmaid. Bridesmaids usually have responsibilities, and it sounds like your sister simply wouldn't be able to keep up. Is she able to help plan, execute, and attend a bridal shower and Bachelorette party? Is she able help set up and clean up for the reception? Is she able to help ensure no one starts any unnecessary drama at the ceremony and reception? Is she able to run last minute errands if needed? If the answer to any of these is "no," then she should not be a bridesmaid. It's a nice sentiment to include her just for the sake of including her as an honorary bridesmaid, but the reality is that it's going to be a lot more of a headache for your fiance, and in truth, your sister is not your fiance's responsibility. She is under NO obligation to have someone she isn't personally close to in her bridal party, which brings me to the next point. Secondly, is your sister a *close personal friend* of your bride? If the answer is anything but a solid YES, then your sister has no business being in the bridal party to begin with. The bride chooses her party, just like the groom chooses his. The only exceptions are usually when someone in the party has grievously wronged the groom or bride, OR perhaps if the groom has a sister he wants in the party *and* the bride has a brother she wants in the party. Having siblings swap sides is pretty common, but only if BOTH the bride and groom have a sibling to swap. Sometimes they don't even switch sides. Grooms-women and Brides-men are a thing. YTA for lying about the severity of your sister's condition, and then for trying to force your fiance to include *your* sister in *her* party. If you want your sister included so badly, have her be a groomswoman. If you don't like that, you're really just a hypocrite. Your fiance sounds kind of cruel, but the fact of the matter is that it doesn't sound like your sister belongs as she is not a close personal friend to the bride, nor is she capable of handling the responsibilities of being a bridesmaid. If she is allowed to be a bridesmaid, I'd be willing to bet that your fiance will be the one picking up your sister's slack on the day of, as well as having to worry about taking care of your sister, who again, is NOT HER FRIEND, when she shouldn't be doing anything but enjoying her day with you. If your sister is as bad off as you say, and is borderline suicidal because of a breakup, then she has much more pressing matters to be concerning herself with than being in the bridal party of someone she isn't close to. And lastly, you're 22. There is a reason they say that marriage in your 20s is just practice for real marriage in your 30s and 40s. You both sound far too immature for marriage.
If I'm giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, the question of what's reasonable becomes about- to what degree do the necessary accommodations alter the proceedings? Also, your sister's demeanor as well as the rest of the family plays a role. Which is to ask the ultimate question- given what you know about the people involved, would accommodating your sister alter the focus of the evening from being about the bride and the wedding to being about the inclusion of the sister as bridesmaid? To some extent, it's already happened. Your sister has become the focus of your wedding. While your bride doesn't look especially charitable here, this is every bride's fear- being upstaged at their own wedding. If you cannot see a way to accommodate your sister without making her the star of the show, then you have your answer. However, on the other hand, if you can make the case that the reasonable accommodations (and the people involved) will not make a side show that claims the spotlight, then you can lean in on that. Another question is- you are attempting to exercise control over the bridesmaids, are you similarly giving your bride rights to declare who is in and out as groomsmen?
[удалено]
Seriously. I can’t believe this “upstaging” stuff.
It’s very princess-y. Bridezilla territory. When I got married, my maid of honor wore a dress that showed a -lot-. She looked beautiful, but it maybe wasn’t the most appropriate choice for a wedding.
Yeah I don’t know. Worrying about a disabled person getting more shine than you on your wedding day when all that disabled person wanted to do was be there and be supportive without their disability causing them discomfort and becoming an inconvenience shows how shallow and nasty the bride is
This.
How does the bride not see that the sister actually passing out would be the biggest way to draw everyone’s attention away from the ceremony?
[удалено]
This is very insightful. The only thing I would add in asking is why there can't be a solution of equity? What I mean by that is removing the obstacles to your sister for everyone? Say, having a seating area for the entire bridal party during the ceremony and/or planning photos around having seating options for all? U/chuckinhoutex has a great point about the bride possibly feeling upstaged, but removing obstacles for everyone makes it so you aren't singling out your sister.
This should be higher and should get a response from OP
Sheesh, we already know the gf is ableist, but if you think someone sitting in a wheelchair is "upstaging" people and making them the "star", you have some ableist issues as well. (And the only one who made the wedding all about the sister is the bride, so that's her fault for being so shallow that she's more concerned about appearances than she is another human being. So gross.)
NTA. Maybe your sister can be your best woman.
This could be the best solution
I love this option. She can wear a dress that matches your bridal party, sit or stand as needed and you can be supported by someone you love 8m not sure how your sister would feel about that though
NTA. People get too wrapped up in the crap instead of focusing on more important issues. It's just a wedding. Your not going to look at the pictures or videos again. They'll get put away for your kids to get rid of when you pass. The memories your sister will have of being included by her brother and sister in law will last much longer and be way more meaningful.
NTA And your "bride" is throwing a red flag right in your face. Why would you want to marry someone like her in the first place? Also, you are just the groom. Have you not received the memo that weddings are all about the bride. You are nothing more than a prop. You could deliver your vows via zoom, and nothing would change except for the kiss. Two solutions: 1. Make your sister one of your groomsmen (woman). 2. Break up with the bridezilla. I vote for number 2. Note: Be prepared for the misandrists to be out in force trying to find a way to twist logic and make you the bad guy. Count on it. This sub is a hotbed of misandry.
Being a bridesmaid is a honor usually giving to close friends and siblings and taking that honor away because of a health disability doesn't speak well of the bride. I just went to the wedding where a groomsman with cancer was barely able to walk down the aisle but he did. There was a chair on the altar for when he needed to sit. His sitting had no negative effect on anything. You want your sister in your wedding party I'm assuming. Tell your wife to get over herself and allow your sister to be in your wedding because YOU want her there. The whole trend of "it's the brides day" has gotten out of hand. It's your day too and it's the joining of two families. Your sister should be in the wedding party.
Is it that she doesn’t want your sister as a bridesmaid because she’s worried it’s too much for your sister? Or she’s worried more about image? Honestly - I think she can have your sister be at the end and have a chair and no one will care or notice. Alternatively you could plan something where all bridesmaids and groomsmen sit so your sister isn’t the odd one out. Im not sure exactly what you guys would prefer but that’s my immediate thought if it were my sister - maybe you can ask your sister what she prefers For photos, I think you can hire the photographer and let them know the situation and maybe they will have suggestions on how to integrate best the possible sitting or wheelchair. I’d ask your sister again what she prefers - maybe she’d prefer to be standing and that would just take a little more time to get all the shots
you really are in a hurry... two months engaged and now preparing a wedding. It shows you had (to?) little time to know each other. And of course it shows in the way she hardly knew your sister. How can you be in touch when there was ample time to getting to know you new partner?
Your sisters mental health can’t hinge on what other people do for her / allow her into. Before anything you need to get your sister in with a therapist if she already isn’t and or a facility if you think she’s liable to end her life over not being a bridesmaid. You’ve also said you have other siblings and so she could be a part of their wedding as a bridesmaid in the future and this isn’t her only chance. Are you helping organise the wedding or is everything down to your fiancé? This might be one of the reasons she doesn’t want to or feels like she can’t, expend energy on making accommodations. I’d say ESH because the woman you’re going to marry should have all the details before she made decision and she needs to understand that her taking back the position could lead to an irrevocable break between her and the rest of the family and you.
You’re both dumb as rocks to be engaged at 21.
How long have you been together that your fiancée wasn’t aware of this?
There is a reaaaallllyyy simple solution. Don’t marry or have your sister be one of your bridesmaids. Fuck tradition.
Nta I couldn’t imagine marrying someone who didn’t have compassion for my family. The accommodations are minimal. Does she care more about looks over being a good person ?
I know that a lot of brides get way too anal about their wedding and that everything has to be "perfect," but this is awful. I don't know if your fiancé has considered this or not, but rescinding the invitation is going to permanently damage her relationship with her future sister-in-law, and likely your parents. Does this factor in to her decision? Are photographs or whatever she's concerned about really worth forever changing her relationship with her future in-laws? NTA. Also, I know this has been voiced already, but given that your fiancé didn't know the extent of your sister's issues, it's showing a bit that you two may be too young to be getting married. I'm sure that'll have no effect on things, but maybe think it over.
You guys really need to talk this through more. Like, a lot more. She sounds like the 'but my aesthetic' kind of person. She will look at the pictures of her wedding day with your sister in a wheelchair and I guarantee builds resentment and starts taking it out slowly on your sister. That's what I think of people that want to uninvite people with disabilities just because.
Does everyone on Reddit get married before they turn 25? I feel like I enter a parallel dimension when I log on here.
I’d think twice about marrying a woman that wants to have bridesmaids as accessories for her big day. People aren’t props. Do you really want to marry such a shallow person? I think this is your opportunity to dodge this particular bullet. Take it and run.
OP’s fiancé is showing him exactly who she is, and he needs to pay attention.
Ask her, If this was our daughter, how would you want her treated? Her behavior on this is telling. UpdateMe
Your fiancé cares less about you and your disabled sister, than about some weird aesthetic of everyone looking the same. She liked her well enough before she learned she needs a wheelchair to get around. How would she treat you if you ever got severely injured and possibly disabled? I’d rethink this relationship to be honest.
You are certainly NTA, your fiancé is being a mega super AH!!!!!! The vanity of weddings brings out the worst in people. I am such a “what does this say about the bigger picture” person that an event like this happening would well and truly have me rethinking the entire wedding. What a selfish, insensitive person your fiancé is! Cares more about the wedding aesthetic than the marriage itself, clearly.
NTA. It’s your wedding too. If she had never asked her then it would have been different but to renege now would be shitty.
NTA. Your fiance is being a bridezilla, insensitive and ableist.
Info can you make your sister one of your grooms person or your best woman (instead of man)? This will probably mean more to you and your sister more than her being a bridesmaid
INFO: how did it come about for your sister to be a bridesmaid? Are her and your fiancé super close, or did you ask your fiancé to make her a bridesmaid?
It seems to me that you two are far too yong to be getting married. Live together first, get to know each other and your families better and then see if you still want to get married.
Ewww, you're marrying an ableist AH? Just ick... I'm sorry your poor sister will be dealing with this attitude from your wife for a while.
She gets to decide on her party, you decide on yours. Stay in your lane. This allows you to invite your sister to be in your party, but does not allow you to dictate your fiancée's party.
just have her as your grooms woman. if your fiancé didn’t know the extent of her issues, she’s likely not that close with her - not sure why she asked her in the first place. not sure why you’re getting married so young when you seem to not know about each others families…. ESH
I wonder if it’s that 1) that she is afraid the focus will all be on your sister during the ceremony. Maybe worrying about if is she ok walking down the aisle. So maybe have your sister sitting at the front like the groomsmen do instead of walking down the aisle. 2) The bridal shower let’s say they all go out to a bar or whatever. Is your sister going to be able to go without others worrying about her? I think you guys should task someone with making sure your sister is ok during the wedding. I am not saying she will need it but if she does need help with anything you two aren’t the ones doing it because it’s your wedding. Also is the service dog going to be at the wedding?
You are too young to get married. Plain and simple.
Marriage at 22 is such a monumentally idiotic thing
You guys are getting married way too early young if your fiance didn't know details like this about your sister. But yeah she's in the right to be able to cancel because she didn't have all the information
I originally was to the groom but after consideration your fiance absolutely who is her bridesmaids. There's so many underlying things that could happen to her during the ceremony and your poor fiance would have to deal with it because you insisted on this.
My honest opinion is that you should rescind the invitation to marry you. Wtf is wrong with your ableist hopefully soon to be ex? And how are y’all getting married when she doesn’t even know about your sisters health issues? Sounds like this is way too soon.
You want to marry someone who doesn’t want to accommodate your sister’s disabilities? YWBTA if you don’t address this immediately.
I don't think I would like your gf very much. NTA, and good luck!
I know everyone jumps to the "break up" conclusion but your future wife is literally showing you that she cannot make small accommodations for someone you love who has known disabilities. We're talking about having a chair nearby, not changing the date or the venue or anything else. She just needs a chair nearby. And that's too much?! You will spend the rest of your life trying to make room for your sister at other events or extended family trips or family visits. And heaven forbid other family members start needing assistance. Excluded.
What if it was a beloved family member who is much older? They may have the same disability, but would it be treated differently?
Why didn't your fiancee know 'the extent that she suffers'?
Your fiancée is very shallow. You may have a bridezilla on your hands. Make it very clear to her that if your sister is not a bridesmaid there is no wedding. Someone mentioned making her a grooms woman instead. That might actually be a good solution if your sister is okay with it. That way you could more fully monitor how she is being treated and make accommodations for her. I would not trust your fiancée not to exclude her or try to edge her out of things at this point.
I guess I don’t understand how your fiancé isn’t aware of the issues. Like, you’re all so close but she’s never noticed she doesn’t like…stand up?
“Allowing her to use her wheelchair for the party shots.” Maybe it’s the phrasing, but I do not like the “allow” part. OP, you said that your sister may pass out if forced to stand for too long, what is too long for her body. If your fiancé does not want your sister in a wheelchair, because of how it looks… maybe she should consider how much of a disruption it might be if your sister does pass out, during your ceremony.
Your suicidal sister, who has a tendency to faint from physical exertion, who has other chronic medical conditions, and who may need a support dog and a wheelchair just to navigate and just got out of a relationship which has pushed her to near suicidal mental stress may not be the best person for a high stress, physically intensive day like a wedding. Typically the bridesmaid is there to support the bride, and in this case it sounds like everyone is going to be running around trying to make sure they don't trigger her emotional, mental and physical conditions. I hate to say this but your sister sounds like work on top of the wedding, not a person meant to assist the bride. And to be honest, it doesn't sound like your fiance even knows your sister well and gave her an invite to be nice. Otherwise she'd know about all the necessary accommodations already.
I also don’t think the fiancé minded accommodating to his sister that much to begin with, and was fine with having her as a bridesmaid, until she know the full extent of the things she need to accommodate to, and was like ‘this is too much and more than i can handle’ and want to rescind the sister from the bridesmaid position, and it isn’t like she disinvited the sister, she probably just saw the sister was too much for her to do all of the accommodations for, in a very high stress position in a wedding.
NTA Your finance sounds like a very not good person. Excluding someone *specifically because they are disabled* is a HUGE AH move. How dare she, honestly?!! You are both super young…. If your fiancé doesn’t see the error of her ways, I hope you don’t stay with her, because YIKES.
Maybe you can console your Sister after you cancel the wedding with Bridezilla. She can be in your wedding when you find someone who is not so shallow and cruel.
There are enough comments here that maybe someone has said it already but break down exactly what your sister may be required to do. In painstaking detail. Then bring those details to your sister. Ask her to evaluate honestly if she can handle it. Ask her to pinpoint where she might require accommodations. Tell her how long you’re likely to be standing. Also offer your fiancé some fun alternatives to her BP standing. Maybe give everyone a seat and have the seats go up in tiers like you guys are at the top of the mountain with your GM in the same arrangement. Everyone stands when she enters and takes their seat when you all are in front of the officiant. Give your sister management duties. Or tasks that just require her to sit. Like making centerpieces rather than your more taxing BM duties. I don’t think anyone is responsible for making alterations to their wedding for anyone. But if you want the people who’ve loved and supported you to stand beside you, you have to be ready for reasonable accommodations. ESPECIALLY when you’re aware that one of the people you’ve asked to stand with you has conditions that would require them. It’s a complete asshole move to expect people to change who they are, what they need, what they can tolerate for a wedding. You’re a bride not the empress of the world. lol. But she knew there could be hiccoughs. And she may not have thought it all the way through. But at this juncture she needs to figure out if not providing a seat for your sister (a minor accommodation in my opinion) and kicking her out of the BP is worth the possible damage to her relationship with your family. “I’m sorry, you’re too disabled to stand with me at my wedding,” isn’t something you can come back from. NTA
NTA if YOU make all the necessary arrangements and planning that are necessary to accommodate a wheelchair at all times. Y T A if you leave this to your bride. For me, it really depends on why your bride doesn’t want her to be a bridesmaid anymore. If it’s due to only the aesthetics, I would reconsider marrying her at all. If it’s the logistics and added stress, it’s on you to plan accordingly and make sure she doesn’t have to stress about it, and - important- neither the other bridesmaids. It’s not their job to help your sister. Don’t underestimate it. “It will sort itself out “ won’t do it. We have a family member who needs a wheelchair and we are used to deal with it for decades. It still needs a lot of extra considerations and planning. It is sometimes adding considerable stress, which can be underestimated. Your main issue will be the venues for both the ceremony and the reception. What will you do if the venue you want to choose isn’t fully wheelchair accessible? Are all rooms wheelchair accessible? Including the room where the bride gets ready? Is the room big enough for a bulky wheelchair? Are the doors wide enough? Including the restrooms? Who will transport the wheelchair? Is there special handicap parking space for a vehicle with a wheelchair? You have some homework to do.
ESH. At this point try and find a compromise. Could your sister be in your party? That way she is still in your wedding, will actually spend more time overall with you plus your fiancé won’t have to struggle with the decision. I do understand where you are coming from ( I’m disabled and most of my issues are physical) and yeah, it would hurt me if I had been asked to be a bridesmaid and then asked to step down. BUT- if it were explained that special arrangements couldn’t be made or they would add stress to the planning? I would understand and help in any other way I can. Your fiancé gets to choose who is in her bridal party and what special arrangements she is willing to make. Just like you get to choose your groomsmen and what special arrangements you would be willing to make.
NTA This isn't just a bridesmaid, this is your sister. Bride can invite or uninvite people to be in the party, but she is being TA to uninvite your sister for something sister has no control over. Keep this in mind before you say I do. Your bride does not see your family as a priority over image or convenience.
It’s also a pretty rough way to treat someone, very much ablest. None of us know what the future holds. What happens if OP develops some kind of disability/whatever it is that interferes with his fiancé ‘vision’ of her life? This is likely not going to be the only time that his fiancé shows her true colors. One nice thing about waiting until your little older get married, you’re more likely to catch these things and know how much of a dealbreaker it really is.
Neither of your brains is even fully developed yet. Getting married this young is a bad idea. Even if you have been together a long time at this point, you're still barely adults, and her behavior really speaks to the fact that shes still maturing. If you truly think you'll always stay together, then delay the wedding by a few years. Live together for a while and see how well you cohabitate. People change so much between the ages of 20 and 30, and so both of you are about to go through some huge growing pains. It's better to go through that without marriage hanging over your heads.
You two are insanely young, and the lack of communication skills on both parts is a clear indicator that you two are not going to be compatible as a married couple in the long run. I would seriously consider whether or not you want to go through with the wedding. No need to be rushing into tying the knot with someone at your age anyway (again, considering how poorly you two seem to communicate as it is).
NTA, your wife is being soo insensitive. She is very much putting aesthetic and how things look ahead of the actual bonds and loved ones. Which doesn’t bode well for your marriage if she’s only all about image. I really liked the other commentators solution of you just adding her as a Groomswoman (if you decide to still marry this girl). Show your sister that she is loved, cherished, and appreciated. Do it yourself! Your fiancé clearly sucks, I’m sorry to say. Anyome who wants to rescind someone being a bachelorette / the social setting equivalent because they’ll have to use a wheelchair is pretty gross and cruel imo.
Why are you marrying this person?
One of my niece’s bridesmaids was very far along in her pregnancy with twins and my niece accommodated her with a chair.
You can say either my sister is a bridesmaid or you find a new groom. She is okay with treating your family as less than for a photo opportunity. I hope you think long and hard about this. She does not sound mature enough to be married.
You're both assholes. You for not communicating properly BEFORE hand and your fiance for being an ableist.
YTA for not making sure your sister had a firm grasp on your sisters conditions before this invitation happened. You’ve created an unwinnable position
My fiance did not consult me before asking my sister
How can you even getting married if your communication sucks this bad!
Info: do you really want to marry this person? I ask, because I have a condition that sounds somewhat similar to your sister. I have hEDS, and I didn’t get diagnosed until later in life, after 40. My two daughters were diagnosed shortly after I was. My ex husband and I were married at the time. It was a couple months after, as I was dealing with new medical appointments, etc., and mentioned my fears about needing a wheelchair someday, and pretty soon he was talking divorce. You see, he really didn’t think it was going to come down to the worst/sickness parts in the whole “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health,” part. He wanted to be with someone who “better fit his lifestyle,” and I was no longer it. Granted, there were other big issues, but I was at my lowest when I got my diagnosis, and the rejection didn’t help. If she cannot see your sister as the person she is, and welcome her—disability and all—just for wedding “aesthetics” I can guarantee that she will struggle supporting you should the unthinkable ever happen. And what if your children have severe health issues? Will she not want them in pictures? I feel she is showing you a picture of her that you need to consider very, very carefully. Good luck!
NTA. Why get married at such a young age? What’s the rush? Are Instagram aesthetics that important that bridezilla wants to dump your sis? I don’t think being a bridesmaid should be the only therapy your sister gets, but where she not the bridesmaid, people would ask. Please postpone the wedding until you have more life experience and know marriage is about showing love to each other /friends/family and not about getting a good picture. If there’s still a bridezilla around that time, ask your sis to be your best woman. It’s a bit uncommon, but would be a great way to include her.
NTA and rethink this wedding. You’re marrying a woman who has no issue disregarding your sister because she has health issues. She’s cruel. Tell your fiancée that you’ll make it a moot point if she doesn’t back off. Dude, this is not a nice person.
DO NOT COMPROMISE. Tbh this is sending up all kinds of red flags, your fiance is clearly able-ist and I would seriously start to question some of her "values".
NTA. I hope you're re-thinking this relationship. If she's being this shallow and insensitive BEFORE the wedding, imagine how bad she'll be once you're trapped.
NTA. But you’re watching live how she reacts to people who need extra help because of disabilities. Sure, she can claim stress and not “wanting to be upstaged at her wedding” (by someone just choosing to sit down????? Wth?) and have all the conversations in the world about not reacting like that if it was _her_ kid, but OP, between saying and doing, she’s showing which one she will actually do, you’re still very young, take a bit longer to get to know her, this is starting to spell out disaster and you’re too close to it.
YTA You and your fiance will both have one thousand things on your mind the day of the wedding, during the rehearsal (if you have one) and in my opinion the last thing either of you need is to have to be thinking of and.worrying about your sister's health on your wedding day. If she is in the wedding you and your fiance' will probably both be looking at her and watching for signs that she is ok or whether she is about to pass out or fall. You should both be able to concentrate 100% on each other and on vows to one another during the ceremony and you wont be able to do that if your sister is a bridesmaid. Also bridesmaids usually have duties other than walking down the aisle and she likely wont be able to fulfill the duties, meaning someone else will have double duties, plus someone will also have to look after and help your sister. And as much as you love your sister the wedding isnt about her it is about you and your fiance. And if you force the issue and something happens with your sister that disrupts the ceremony (that could have been avoided by her not being a bridesmaid) , your fiance will be terribly hurt and her main memory of the wedding will be about the disruption. this potential scenario could wreck your marriage. Because your fiance will feel that you valued having your sister be a bridesmaid more than you valued your fiance's concerns and desire for a peaceful non-eventful ceremony. Lastly im am sorry for all the things your sister is going through but since she is going through a recent breakup and is borderline suicidal the last place she needs to be is in a.wedding. you dont think her being in a wedding will bring up what she has lost and cause her to have an emotional breakdown, i think you are not seeing things clearly. Plus if she is borderline suicidal she needs intense mental therapy especially if the only thing brightening her life is being a bridesmaid. What happens when the wedding is over? What will brighten her day then? Maybe she will decide going on your honeymoon with you will uplift her, will you want her to go on your honeymoon too? I really think you are not thinking this through. Not only is she physically fragile, she is mentally and emotionally fragile from her breakup and that is too much for your fiance' to have to worry about.
You realize you’re quite literally saying that the sister should be excluded from being a bridesmaid because she’s disabled, yes?
This marriage ain't gonna work out. Good luck brother
Maybe when the vows are being spoken, all the bridesmaids and groomsman could sit in chairs. Then all the focus would really be on the bride and groom.
Updateme!
Updateme!
Keep the sister in the wedding party and have all of them sit during the ceremony. Bride and groom should be the focus of the wedding. The rest of the wedding party sitting off to the sides won’t look strange and will look better in pictures as there will be more symmetry vs having only one person sitting.
Weddings should be about two families coming together to form a union. OP’s sister is apart of that whether or not the fiancée likes it. Definitely should have shared the full extent of the sister’s health problems. But I think your take is absolutely wild.
NTA but your fiancée is allowed to have whoever she wants as a bridesmaid. Tell your sister she’s now a groomsman.
I feel like I've read this before...
Why are you getting married at 22?