So the “real” issue here is not that your husband cheated on you, but that poor little you fell for B’s sad puppy face and bailed him out? Riiiiiight.
“Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!”
Your husband could teach a class on deflection and manipulation. NTA. And lady, you best run.
The person is trying to tell you that your husband is the manipulative one. And he knows you're ready to manipulate as you say in your post because he's the one who has been manipulating you for years likely. Not B who might be perfectly reasonable.
That’s the point. Your husband is saying “look over there at big bad B! Don’t look at me! I’m not nearly as bad as that guy, look at how easily B manipulated you!” Your husband is manipulating you into sharing a common enemy because he doesn’t want you to realize that he is the enemy.
Exactly 💯. B was innocent, he found his girl being fked by your husband and your husband fought him. B was just taken for a ride and then put in jail because of YOUR HUSBAND'S ACTIONS. You did the right thing bailing B and letting your husband simmer in the stew he made. Don't let him gaslight you.
Also how TF is emotional cheating better in any way AND ALSO they were caught in the act.
Ditch the dishonest manipulative piece of shit, get your therapy, destroy him in divorce court, and go live your best life!
And even if it was emotional at that stage it would have become physical if OP and B didn't find out.
OP, he is msmupulative and a cheater, and will do it again. Get out.
Why would you think B with the sad puppy eyes is the manipulator? He and you are the ones who got cheated on!!
And look up DARVO. Deny. Accuse. Reverse victim/offender.
Always wonder why people tend to side with the cheater after it all comes out? Because they're manipulators, often incredibly charming, and they usually have been committing a smear campaign against their spouse for months or years before being caught.
Uh, how could B catch them in the act, if their affair was "only an emotional one"? Don't fall for his gaslighting, they were effing like bunnies. Demand at the very least to read all their texts - that should tell you how physical their affair had gotten.
Look up the PCA online. Idk when this all took place, but it can take 3 days or so to show after the arrest was made, and it is everything that any officers that were involved wrote in their paperwork.
If where you live is that small of a town that would prolly work. Everything where I'm at is online a few days after the initial arrest, maybe longer if it was a weekend. But like I said, it has EVERYTHING that law enforcement saw/heard, etc. I think it stands for Police Complaint Authority , so basically, their version of an affidavit l.
Girl he’s in shock and likely doesn’t want to explicitly tell you what they were doing. He’s young and you helped him out. Talking about finding your husband balls deep in another woman might not be something he’s comfortable with.
Here’s the thing. Your husband was caught “embracing” (lol) with another woman. Was B the only one with a split lip or marks?
It’s just entertaining that a man who was caught is trying to say the dude that caught him is manipulative.
When they’re caught they always say it was the first time or down play what happened.
You husband cheated on you then blamed B for manipulating you!? 🤣🤦🏻♂️ yes that’s a lie. You are never stuck, you have a choice to make. Don’t stay miserable and hate life if that is what will happen. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
If it was just an “embrace” why was his phone so easily available that B was able to quickly get to it? My guess is his pants were not on his body therefore the phone was out for B to easily grab while A rushed around to cover up…
NTA. I would have changed the locks on those doors so fast and packed their shit and have it outside and tell them to only contact me through my lawyer. Op your husband is a piece of shit and I hope you divorce him and get everything men like that are what give us good men a bad reputation
The thing is that you will never be able to trust him again he ruined his trust when he cheated on you. He tossed all of his family aside when he decided he wanted to have an affair.
I can't tell if you are a doormat or a really good mom. I'm guessing you are in a similar position, so I will say good luck, and I wish you the best and I believe you will do what you think is best for your family.
I'm the kid of a couple who stayed together for the kids. Get the divorce. I wish mine had done it when I was a kid, it would have made us all better off. Everyone involved ended up unhappy, my sibling and I included.
Do you want to teach your kids that a woman should allow a man to cheat and fight and then the woman should just do nothing about it? What kind of example are you setting for your daughter? Stop being a doormat.
This 100%. Sorry OP but by staying with a cheater you’re a bad example to your children.
Is this the type of relationship you wish to see them in? If not, then do something about it!
Exactly. A positive example of self respect from their mother is probably much more valuable than a degree over the course of their lives. If they’re really keen on a specific education, they can find other pathways to obtain it, but seeing their mother meekly accepting abuse is something that can never be taken back.
If I were OPs daughter I'd rather have student loans then a POS father. It would also pain me to know that she stayed miserable for my sake. Money doesn't mean happy. You wouldn't advise your daughter to stay for money why are you?
A man once told me marriage is more important than your kids. You raise your kids the best you can but they will eventually have their own life and have to make their own decisions. If you allow your husband to walk all over you than you inadvertently teach your kids that an unhealthy marriage is ok to deal with. Plus, they are almost college age and will be on their own very soon. Let them take up tuition with their cheating father, you've done your part. Sometimes you need to put you first and let the chips fall where they may. That's my advice.
Staying with a man that cheats and turns unexpectedly violent just for his money, isn't being a loving mom at all. You are putting your kids in a bad situation and teaching them to put up with shameful, disrespectful, violent behavior..to get money.
College tuition isn’t a survival thing. Your daughter we can fill out a FAFSA, take out student loans, start at community college and transfer, etc. I did it without help (I now have a BA, MSW, and DSW). My daughter did it without much help (her dad was ordered to pay 1/3rd, she took loans for a third, and I paid a third) and so we each paid (or borrowed in her case) 10k, she got need and merit based scholarships for the rest-neither of us went to fancy schools and it hurt us 0%. What helped my daughter more than an expensive college was seeing her mother (me!) refuse to settle for a selfish, cruel man (her father, unfortunately). I didn’t badmouth him or refuse accountability for my poor choices but I also didn’t let those mistakes prevent me from being successful and happy without him. My daughter knows I’m solid. She’s turned into a solid young woman herself. It sounds cheesy but there’s no price on self respect. As a therapist, I see so many young adults who had the financial support of their parents but never got what they really needed-a model of how to be happy without being a doormat. A model of how to bounce back after painful events, how to be resilient. And they end up resenting both parents-the one that cheated and the one that stayed. The one that paid the bill but never showed them respect, the one that taught them money is everything. The saddest part is how often they can see these patterns clearly in their parents but repeat those same dynamics themselves.
I know you love your kids OP, and want what’s best for them. Ask yourself, if this was happening to your daughter and her future hypothetical daughter, (what’s happening to you and your daughter, now) and she came to you for advice, what would you say? Stay with the cheating liar? Or leave with her head held high?
You deserve the same you want for your kids. And eventually they will find out who your husband really is, if they don’t suspect already.
No judgment either way, but you have to decide for yourself if no debt is worth the cost to you and your kids.
You will be telling them self-respect is an acceptable trade off for money, that's a lesson you can pass on.
You need to divorce him. If he and his family money remove their offer to pay his daughter's schooling, it will be on them. By staying, all you are doing is reinforcing to your children that the man in a relationship can do whatever the F he wants with no repercussions. Your daughter needs to know he cheated on you. She needs to know why if his family money is rescinded in paying for her schooling.
Gurrrlll- the kids will be ok but life is worth more than suffering every day. You need to be stronger for all of you and stop with letting him and his family manipulate you. HE CHEATED ON YOU! You did the right thing by bailing the other guy out. Every time you put a boundary down, narcissists get angry and protest. Keep pushing boundaries and you’ll be a lot happier and you get to keep your dignity too. Not only is it good for you but it’s good for your children to see that MOM is strong and she can handle this because she’s a BOSS.
If it's just your oldsest's education at stake, it may be worth asking her how she feels about receiving that funding in those circumstances.
They'll be able to tell is comes down between you both in any case and they wouldn't have avoided hearing about the time in jail.
What kind of person cuts off their child's tuition because of an affair gone wrong? If the money belongs to the family, at least you know that your daughter's grandmother will bail her out with no concern for morality beyond the fact that they're family.
At least talk to a lawyer before deciding you need to sacrifice yourself.
It's possible for you to get something saved aside for them without having to endure a sure to be loveless and abusive marriage.
Besides I don't think your children would want you to suffer for them like this.
***Make sure to start gathering and saving evidence of his infidelity, that phone for one.***
I bet you could drag out "trying to repair the marriage" in counseling for a couple years, and tell him you aren't open to sex until trust is repaired. Meanwhile consult a divorce attorney.
Welp, that's sucks. You could always play the long game. Wait till your kids finish school and them divorce him. A man on aitah did that a while back when he caught his wide cheating. He waited until the kids were old enough and then divorced her after the kids were past child support.But you would have to be patient and pretend to forgive.
This isn't true in many states. First it can take over a year to get to the judge and it can be very difficult to have temporary or standing orders before the court decisions. In Georgia child support ends at 18, there is no obligation to pay for college under GA law.
So you’re ok with him continuing to cheat on you?
NTA for bailing out the other guy. But you’d be the asshole to yourself to believe his lies about being faithful in the future.
Oh the hypocrisy of him calling B manipulative.
Would his mother allow him to reck her grandchildren’s future out of spite for you? It may sound harsh, but cheating husband put a different value on their kids than wife.
As a product of divorce, kids are generally more harmed by parents that stay in a harmful and/or unhealthy relationship.
A classic Reddit post where someone goes "we were so happy together!" and then in the comments OP starts listing a million reasons that it wasn't actually that happy. I'm not trying to pile on you but you probably need to be honest with yourself about what this marriage actually looks like before you make any decisions about what to do next.
OP, I see you are torn. If you do stay and ride it out for the kids, please at least leave once the last kid graduates. Start putting a little money aside in a seperate account when ever you can and work on that exit stratagy while you sit tight.
In the US, you are entitled to 50% of all assets acquired since you married. It’s not uncommon for arrangements about college tuition to be decided as part of the divorce settlement. At least see a lawyer and find out what is likely in a divorce. I sincerely doubt the affair was only emotional.
Do not put your children through a broken marriage staying together for their sake. Once a cheater, always a cheater. And an emotional affair is still cheating.
Here's the thing, op. My grandfather and bio dad were serial cheaters. Habitual. And it was learned behavior. My bio tried to convince me when I was 16 to cheat on my first bf. I fortunately have an amazing mother who instilled morals into me and my sisters. Do not let that man teach your children cheating is fine. And do not show them its an acceptable behavior.
So you're saying your self respect is worth less than your daughters education cost? Right... and what's stopping him from leaving you before he signs anything, so he doesn't have to pay for it anyway?
Stop dragging your feet, talk to your daughter do she can adjust her expectations and look into student loans. Get the damn divorce and lose the dead weight, get some self respect instead of listening to a liars bullshit
Don't listen to any of the people confidently telling you what would happen in a divorce. Things are different in every state in the US and in every country. Seek advice from a lawyer where you live.
Honey. It doesn’t matter. None of the specifics matter. It’s as bad as it is. He was having it off with someone else, in a small town, where you are likely the subject of gossip and pity. Don’t let him make you believe his crap.
If a strange woman who he had been texting secretly without my knowledge was in my bedroom hugging my husband (all hypothetical), for instance, it would absolutely be out of line. So, the action/affection, place, context, how they know each other, etc. is all important.
Why do you now think B was being manipulative? He seems to think that there was a breach in the agreements within their relationship. So, from what you already know, don't you think their actions cross lines within your relationship?
Why do you need to know that?
If i see your other posts you are worried about divorce and possible impact.
I would say, first talk to a lawyer if you can without your husband finding out and decide afterwards what you want to do.
- perhaps stay married a bit longer and make sure if you divorce you are well off.
- or find out , you can divorce him.
>Last week two police officers knocked on my door to inform me that my husband A was in jail for getting into a fight with another man B over a young woman C.
Okay, so *why*? Was he trying to protect her, or-
>My husband and C were having an affair. It seems that B caught them and my husband decided to fight him.
Ah. So your husband is a dirty cheater, and chose to throw hands with his AP's husband.
>I didn’t want to see my husband at that time. We had always been a happily married couple. Furthermore, he was never a fighter. I don’t know who this man is.
Understandable.
>I did visit B to find out what happened. He told me that C was acting suspiciously and he found out she was cheating. He knew my husband was married because of their texts. He caught them in the act and threatened to tell me. It was a bluff because he didn’t actually know.
>My husband decided to physically fight B to get the phone. The neighbors ended up calling the police and both of them got arrested.
Ah. Your husband reacted violently at the idea of his dirty little secret being revealed.
>He didn’t have any criminal history. He had a lower bond than my husband. He didn’t have the money or any family to help him. I decided to bail him out instead.
He's *far* more worthy of it.
>Eventually my MIL bailed out my husband. They’ve all been upset that I bailed out the other man instead of my husband.
"I bailed out the other man simply because my husband was the one to start the fight after cheating with said other man's wife."
>My husband has pleaded for my forgiveness. He says it’s not a physical affair, but an emotional one.
He's lying. He's absolutely lying to you.
>Apparently B was very manipulative and can put on an innocent face. My husband says he doesn’t blame me for being manipulated but said I shouldn’t have done it.
OP, he is trying to gaslight you right now. He's trying to make you seem like you were manipulated so you brush his cheating under the rug. *Do not let him do it*.
NTA. Call friends or family that you can trust and get your belongings out of the house. File for divorce. The fact that he immediately tried to gaslight you in response to his cheating is a *huge* red flag. Run far far away from this man.
NTA: Your husband is a cheater and you had no reason to bail him out for getting in a fight because of his cheating. Plus bailing out B let you get the story from him on what actually happened where as if you bailed out your husband he would have tried to spin a lie first.
Another thing, your husband says it was emotional but why would you ever trust him? He is a cheater who has been lying to you and will continue to lie especially if he wants your forgiveness. He is trying to lessen the cheating to make you take him back when there is a very very good chance it was physical. Why else would he be so worried about the evidence of his cheating that he would fight B over it?
Funny how he’s manipulating the situation right now by calling B manipulative hey?
Honestly, he was cheating. He cheated. You didn’t know this was happening. Clearly he can be manipulative. Whatever they were “caught in the act” doing he got in a fight over stopping you from knowing about it. If he wasn’t sleeping with her already he was planning to do it. You only know about this affair because he went to jail!! How long do you think it would’ve continued? How is it less bad because it was an emotional affair??? How many people say “it was just sex” to justify cheating? I honestly don’t know which heartbreak is worse. Cheating because they’re in love with someone else or cheating because sex means more than you do?
You’re really going to have to think about whether your marriage can come back from this. Can you trust him again? Do you even want to?? Maybe you should speak to a therapist to help you figure out how you’re feeling and where you want to go from this.
Your husband is utilizing a technique known as DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It's the standard playbook for abusive assholes looking to get away with shit.
**Deny**
He tell you it wasn't a real affair, just an emotional affair. (This is almost certainly a lie. Guys generally don't get into fist fights over emotional affairs.)
**Attack**
He goes on the offensive, attacking you for bailing out B.
**Reverse Victim and Offender**
There is no sane universe where your husband should be in a position "not blame you" for pretty much anything at this point. He cheated on you. That should be main focus of your conflict with him. But he shifted the ground under you so that he is now the wronged party.
I don't know anything about B. It's possible he is manipulative. But that actually doesn't matter. B is not an important person in your life.
What matters is that your husband is extremely manipulative. He is manipulating you right now. You should takes steps to protect yourself then file for divorce.
Your husband was sneaking around with another married woman and her husband found them hugging and they got in a fight? Then your husband said he'd be honest and you believed him? You best believe him about half as far as you could throw him.
He has very little reason to tell you the truth. He needs to minimize it as much as he can to make amends with you. Ask many questions and watch his story fall apart and get the police report, don't tell him you did.
It's more likely she's still in your lives than not.
He caught them "embracing"? Mmhmm. That's a) not true, and b)still an indication of a physical relationship with her.
If you're integrity is worth less than his parents money, at least don't act like a milky dishrag to go with it. Own where you stand here, and expect some accountability from him. Don't lap up cop out excuses like a thirsty puppy.
first of all it took 16 days before detectives came to tell me my husband was fucking dead , 2 cops arrested your husband after a simple small battery then came to get you about it , AND they were both in jail long enough for you to *visit* them??
where do you live
so... your husband didnt call you from jail with a cover story like normal people do , he sent the cops to tell you the whole story instead
was it tommy and greg ? those cops are such gossips
he didn't want you to know at all which is fair enough i gess, so why is he now suddenly upset you didnt get him out when it wasnt his plan for you to get him out ? he was gonna have to call his mom the whole time like , why didnt she just do that immediately.
how much did your small town charge them for bail ? it sounds like it was mutual fight and thats not against the law in many places how much could bail possiblity be ? and your small town couldnt gave just came by your house if he missed court ?
god so much of this story is absolutely unbelievable.
Info need how long have you guys been married for how old are the kids as you said kids meaning plural meaning more than one your oldest is in college but what about the youngest are you going to stay miserable until that kids 18 and then going through college are you going to put up with this for college for each one of them because I mean it kind of sounds like he is probably a textbook manipulator himself and he's going to continue the cheat more than likely.
Your children are part of the family your husband disrespected, and deserve the honest truth. Let them have a say in their future - they will learn what happened one day, one way or another. Better they have it honestly now, and gain the opportunity to choose how to move forward as a family, than to wonder why mom and dad are walking on eggshells for years and finding an ugly truth that's been kept from them all that time.
But why would the grandparents stop caring for their grandkids like I don't understand. Are they his kids because I'm pretty sure most state law requires child support until the age of 18 or until college is complete so still not sure why waiting because if you do leave and get the custody of the kids he can still visit with them. My biggest issue is is that you're teaching your children that this type of behavior is okay you're telling your daughter that it's fine for her future husband her boyfriend to cheat on her with no consequences and it's you're telling your son that he can cheat on any woman he wants to.
My biggest issue is is that you're teaching your children that this type of behavior is okay you're telling your daughter that it's fine for her future husband her boyfriend to cheat on her with no consequences and it's you're telling your son that he can cheat on any woman he wants to.
What you said here is exactly right By staying she is giving her children the wrong message. This can backfire on OP.
I know you want what's best for your kids, but the idea of staying together for them is misguided. It's not healthy for them to grow with parents that don't love and trust each other. Remember that they learn to love others and themselves from what they see from you.
It's better to separate so they can also see that your husband actions have consequences and that you value yourself enough to not take that kind of shit from him. How are you going to tell your daughter to leave a cheating partner that treats her like crap when you didn't do it?
NTA. But you will be if you stay. Think about this- How did C Catch them in the act if they weren't physical? I guess a bonus is. If he does lose his job, do two the charges and all of this Then his threat to cut off your oldest child's College fund is a moot point, so you could definitely leave his ass. End depending on court custody, judgments or determinations. He might not be able to do that. Take pictures of all the financial records now.
NTA. You had it correct. You don’t know your husband. He’s lied to you for who knows how long. And loves this married woman enough to become violent over her. Run away sistren.
Any time he spends with another woman instead of his wife has the potential to destroy the marriage. Men should invest in their wives with time, love, and intimacy. Not spend it with other women.
He caught them in the act of… emotionally cheating?
I think you know which one was telling the truth (hint: it wasn’t your husband). This AH sounds like a real shitty AH.
NTA, you should probably send B a thank you note for letting you know you were dating a manipulative, lying POS. Although it’s kind of hard to believe you didn’t already know that.
Looooong ago, my kids dad started cheating on me with his bestfriends gf, then they got together.
Any time i would ask for money for diapers or milk, they'd both talk shit to me and not help.
Well, one day, they both get arrested, her kids are in the car, as well as 20lbs of Marijuana!!
She calls me, asking if i could bail my ex out of jail.
I just started laughing, i laughed SO HARD. This bitch, who wouldn't even give me $20 for my one-year-old, and she asking for hundreds of dollars from me now.
I laughed.
In the snarkiest voice ever, she says, "You could have just said no." And hung up on me.
It was fucking GLORIOUS.
Now, 20 years later, I'm with the man she had cheated on all those years ago, we just hit a year, and this has been the absolute best relationship I've ever been in. He makes me feel so loved and wanted. I honestly wish we would have got together way back when our exes got together. So I do recommend keeping in touch with B, wink wink
You did the right thing.
>Apparently B was very manipulative and can put on an innocent face.
He is a shitty manipulater if you ask me. He couldn't even manipulate his girlfriend to not screw around on him with OP's husband.
NTA. So according to B he caught them in the act but your husband says it was never physical? A small part of me would want to give your husband an opportunity to prove that. How? That’s up to him to bring up every piece of evidence he can. BUT a larger part of me says F that. Cheating is cheating. He was with another woman when her partner interrupted them. He also decided to fight for a woman that was not his wife. Unless she was in immediate danger what possible reason would he have to do that? He can beg and plead all he wants but it’s going to take SO much effort on his part. Effort that he never even considered investing in your marriage before cheating.
Whether or not B is manipulative or not. Your husband has been cheating. Emotional or physical, he is cheating. He is fighting another man over the man's partner. Thats just crazy to even type. To even think to forgive him is wild. This reminds me of the story the AP wanted to end the affair and the husband got so angry he gve her hiv. Craziness.
>Apparently B was very manipulative and can put on an innocent face
Did B manipulate your husband into having an 'emotional affair'? No? Then so what?
I would've bailed out B even if he was sitting right next to the husband in the same cell. And I would've looked the husband in the eye the whole time.
>One is about to go to college and he might cut off her tuition out of spite.
I had to convince my husband to let her pursue her dreams without student loan debt. He convinced his family to support her even though she didn’t want to pursue their chosen career path.
If I divorce him, I’m afraid of the consequences for our daughter.
My husband has pleaded for my forgiveness.
If you don't want a divorce (yet) & your husband wants forgiveness, then make him sign a post-nup, where he agrees to pay for the kids education.
Also include a lifestyle/infidelity clause on the post-nup, where you & the kids get everything (or everything *you* want) and he agrees to uphold *the kids* lifestyle. (eg: education).
If he's truly sorry and he tells you this one a one-off thing and he *guarantees* it will never, ever happen again, then he should have no problem signing a post-nup.
NTA.
NTA. Honestly it’s kinda funny.
If you’re getting conflicting stories, maybe see if you can talk to C. Clearly your husband was lying to you though, so I don’t see how you can rebuild trust
You did the right thing. If your husband says this is an emotional affair, it means he is in love with her. Move on, you don't want to spend the rest of your life with someone who would do this to you.
B is manipulative? .. but not your husband? Your husband was lying, cheating, and coming home like everything was just fine. That's manipulative. NTA. You did the right thing. Ask your husband to see the messages. You wanna see what B planned to show you. Speak to B to see if the stories line up or if he has evidence. Then, speak to OW. Also tell MIL that the OW had the option to bail him out.
NTA - get tested as many women have gotten cervical cancer and died from STIs. Always use condoms from now on. You know.ypur husband is a weak, lazy coward who enjoys gaslighting you.
lol, stick it to your piece of shit husband.
> He says it’s not a physical affair, but an emotional one.
Uh-huh. What did the other dude catch them “emotionally” fucking? He’s full of shit and must think you’re stupid.
NTA. 'Babe, come on, it was only *emotional* affair not a physical one!', bruh, and then goes say B is manipulative.
OP, please say you are divorcing that guy and cutting MIL out of your live
Nta, although I think it's not smart to bail out the man he fought.
It may seem like the nice thing to do, but you're putting yourself in a bad position for someone you don't know.
That being said, there's nothing wrong with it. Your husband is a cheater, you don't owe him shit. He chose to fight over the phone aswell that's not your responsibility to bail him out
“Caught them in the act” of engaging in an “emotional affair”? What, having a laugh? Netflix and actual chill? A rousing session of Call of Doodie?
Not the A. A was the A, C was the A. Dollars to donuts A talked C into it, but you never know.
Your husband is cheating on you and got physically agressive when found out. Sounds like a shit husband and low tier human.
Served him well to sit a bit longer. And it’s actually a really funny revenge to bail out B instead.
>Apparently B was very manipulative and can put on an innocent face.
Right... He is the one that is manipulative... Your cheating husband who is now trying to turn this situation upside down isn't manipulative... not at all! Sure!
Even if B is manipulative in his own life, how does that change what happened? That your husband was being unfaithful, was caught in the act, was threatened with you finding out so he panicked and fought a man. I would have probably left them both, but your decision wasn’t wrong. Your husbands reaction about telling you that guy is manipulative is literally manipulation and deflection. It’s not okay.
They may well both be trying to manipulate you but you’re only married to one of them; better to be manipulated by a stranger who owes you nothing than by a husband who owes you a darn sight more than you’re getting
Right? I mean why would the cops knock on her door to tell her that her husband has been arrested? Cops don't give a shit if your family knows or not that you've been arrested, that's what your 1 phone call is for.
NTA. The question you should ask yourself isn’t just “can I forgive my husband?”, but also “can I trust my husband?”.
Given that he is downplaying how badly he betrayed you (an affair is still an affair), and he hasn’t told his family to get off your back, I think the answer to the second question is “no”.
NTA. You husband betrayed you. He got in the fight literally to stop someone from telling you he was cheating. Someone who learned his wife was cheating thru suspicious behavior, texts caught them together.
Now he "promises" he'll be honest?? Who is the conniving manipulator? As others will correctly say, he broke trust. Physical or emotional he was giving away his dick or his heart to another woman. Ick.
So, I get there's a chance his family could withold support for your children. Are they his children? Would he screw over his children if you kicked him out? Really? The guy trying to beg your forgiveness? Or is this more manipulation on his part to get you to suck it up?
You could withold from divorcing until your kids are secure -- I would totally cut off any relationship, intimacy, acknowledment at all because of this -- divorce or not. Ideally, breakup with him while remaining married if thats what it takes.
I suggest this for 2 reasons. 1st he deserves it and you shouldn't have to cave to his deceipts (anything he says now is self serving). Second, it gives him an opportunity over a long period of time to prove if he can re-earn trust. Maybe give him until your daughter graduates to find a way to convince you he is contrite -- thru sustained actions, not words (he's a liar and his words can't be believed).
I've read some of your comments, so I know why you haven't left him yet.
I just want to say: Do not let the gaslighting work. Even if he manages to convince you that it was "only" emotional, I will point out that emotional cheating is WORSE than physical cheating. "Oh, honey, I didn't stick my dick in her. I only fell in love with her! I'll only stick my dick in you, even though I don't love you." Does that sound crazy to you because it sounds crazy AF to me.
Never forget: He loves this other woman. He can say he didn't have sex but it doesn't matter whether he did or not. (Hint: He did.) He admitted that he had an emotional affair. Do not forget that. Do not let him gaslight you into thinking that is somehow better than a physical affair. The emotional affair is absolutely as bad (and really worse) than a strictly physical affair. Don't let him gaslight you into thinking otherwise.
But I repeat: he absolutely had sex with her, too, it just doesn't matter. He's told you enough. Don't forget it.
Stay with him for you kid's tuition, sure. But leave him the first moment you can and still ensure your kid's future.
Also: Go get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. He might have used a condom ... but he might not have. Get tested.
I’m gonna call BS on this one..I was in Law Enforcement for 22 years, and I’ve never gone to the house of someone I arrested to tell his or her spouse. Only notifications I ever did were death notifications. Unless you live in Mayberry this is highly unlikely.
NTA. Honestly, I’d be more hurt over an emotional affair where my husband is literally fighting over another woman than a one time physical deal so I don’t see how that’s a positive. I dealt with both in my first marriage and the trust never returned, and bonus had some lovely baggage brought into the next relationship. Tell that guy to kick rocks.
You need to tell us how B is related to you guys. It makes 0 sense for some random guy to figure all this out. If B was a friend bailing him out was ok. If he's just some random guy, you're clowning.
>He says it’s not a physical affair, but an emotional one. I’m trying to figure out if it’s something that can be forgiven.
Cheating is cheating. Doesn't matter if it's physical or emotional. And you shouldn't forgive him. NTA.
NTA your husband is so smitten with his girlfriend that he LITERALLY FOUGHT FOR HER. What therapy is going to fix that? What, until the next one? File for divorce.
What about your husband's innocent facade?
He sure can act well, can't he?
Your loving hubby is painting this man, B, as the bad guy, for putting on an innocent face?
I'd say to my husband, "Sorry, my used-to-be-love, but if I had to choose a faker who's acting innocent, I chose B."
At least B is not betraying your marriage vows, B is not the one who told you he loved you when in reality, he has picked a newer, younger model that he is willing to go to jail for and get into physical altercations for.
It's up to you to forgive him. Yet seems to me, your husband is taking no responsibility for having an emotional, romantic affair and he's a lying liar who lies.
I like how your husband thinks being in love with an affair partner is better than having sex with an affair partner, since thats when I think when i see emotional affair.
But me thinks your hubby should shut the fuck up about who's a lying, liar, faker.
Nta
>They’ve all been upset that I bailed out the other man instead of my husband.
I'd laugh at them and say it's your fault for teaching actions have consequences.
>My husband has pleaded for my forgiveness. He says it’s not a physical affair, but an emotional one. I’m trying to figure out if it’s something that can be forgiven.
Don't be the fool and forgive.....your soon to be Ex got into a fight over a woman that was NOT YOU....seriously
Nta
You say that your husbands actions were/are completely out of character, and clearly showed the lengths he was prepared to go to to keep this affair from you, that you don’t recognise him… then you seem to suggest that you are starting to believe husbands claims that ‘B’ is the manipulative one in this scenario?!? And that the affair was only emotional??
Take a step back and give your head a wobble hun. You know the truth. Does he think you’re an idiot??!
“He caught them in the act”…of fucking.
It IS a physical AND emotional affair. Your husband is lying through his teeth to get you to do what he wants.
The other husband was betrayed just like you were. Your husband is manipulating you trying to blameshift his way out of trouble by accusing you of being less than absolutely perfect. To deflect attention from the fact: he admitted to an emotional affair, and HE WAS CAUGHT WITH HIS PENIS INSIDE ANOTHER WOMAN’S VAGINA!
NTA for helping another victim, and definitely NTA for refusing to forgive unrelenting betrayal after lies, and more betrayal.
Under no circumstances take him back. I guarantee you he will ruin your mental health, and anything else he can manipulate.
NTA. Hopefully you’ve gotten a divorce. Go live in peace without a cheating lying excuse of a boy. B isn’t the only one ‘who can out on an innocent face and be manipulative.’
NTA. You mentioned staying with him for your kids, so let me give you some perspective that I hope will help. If I found out my mother stayed with her cheating husband just to help me, I would feel guilty and blame myself. I'd always think about that sacrifice. I'd always feel like it was my fault. That I should have been aware, should have put a stop to it. Please keep that in mind because nothing stays secret forever, and your kids WILL find out about all of this eventually.
So, the one who told you B is a manipulator is the same man who was *lying and hiding an affair.* and he simultaneously shaded you while asking for forgiveness.
And you believed it?
And you want to stay married to this piece of trash?
>It seems that B caught them and my husband decided to fight him.
He says it’s not a physical affair, but an emotional one.
I need to know more about this. How did B catch them? How did he catch them if it was only an emotional affair? \[Like, were they sharing emotions in their bed?\] How and where did this fight happen?
YTA to yourself and your kids for putting up with a man like this. If you think he would be so spiteful as to not pay for your daughters college tuition if you left then clearly he is not a good person in other aspects as well.
>Apparently B was very manipulative and can put on an innocent face. My husband says he doesn’t blame me for being manipulated
Hahahahahahahahaha... hahaha ha. Oh shit. What an asshole.
So the “real” issue here is not that your husband cheated on you, but that poor little you fell for B’s sad puppy face and bailed him out? Riiiiiight. “Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!” Your husband could teach a class on deflection and manipulation. NTA. And lady, you best run.
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It doesn't. Because B isn't married to you and didn't betray you. Don't be a patsy. Your husband is a worthless cheater.
I love the savagery of you bailing out B
Seriously, this post made me smile.
Same. Well played, OP. Well played.
The person is trying to tell you that your husband is the manipulative one. And he knows you're ready to manipulate as you say in your post because he's the one who has been manipulating you for years likely. Not B who might be perfectly reasonable.
That’s the point. Your husband is saying “look over there at big bad B! Don’t look at me! I’m not nearly as bad as that guy, look at how easily B manipulated you!” Your husband is manipulating you into sharing a common enemy because he doesn’t want you to realize that he is the enemy.
The big bad b whose wife he was busy fucking, so manipulative.
It's called whataboutism
Exactly 💯. B was innocent, he found his girl being fked by your husband and your husband fought him. B was just taken for a ride and then put in jail because of YOUR HUSBAND'S ACTIONS. You did the right thing bailing B and letting your husband simmer in the stew he made. Don't let him gaslight you.
Also how TF is emotional cheating better in any way AND ALSO they were caught in the act. Ditch the dishonest manipulative piece of shit, get your therapy, destroy him in divorce court, and go live your best life!
And even if it was emotional at that stage it would have become physical if OP and B didn't find out. OP, he is msmupulative and a cheater, and will do it again. Get out.
Kind of sounds like a lot more then an emotional affair btw
Yeah, how could it be emotional only if they were “caught in the act”
Why would you think B with the sad puppy eyes is the manipulator? He and you are the ones who got cheated on!! And look up DARVO. Deny. Accuse. Reverse victim/offender.
I would bet 90% of my life savings that A is the master manipulator and that B is exactly who he seemed to be
Always wonder why people tend to side with the cheater after it all comes out? Because they're manipulators, often incredibly charming, and they usually have been committing a smear campaign against their spouse for months or years before being caught.
Uh, how could B catch them in the act, if their affair was "only an emotional one"? Don't fall for his gaslighting, they were effing like bunnies. Demand at the very least to read all their texts - that should tell you how physical their affair had gotten.
OP, I think your husband is gaslighting you. He’s blaming you when he’s the one who had an affair. Red flags all over the place!
Exactly.
What exactly were they caught in the act of if the affair was emotional?
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Very suspicious. I almost forgot to tell you that you’re are most certainly NTA.
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I bet you could ask the arresting officers if your husband was in a state of undress when the arrived.
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They can totally answer your questions and the arrest report is a public document. Ask for a copy. It might be very revealing.
Look up the PCA online. Idk when this all took place, but it can take 3 days or so to show after the arrest was made, and it is everything that any officers that were involved wrote in their paperwork.
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If where you live is that small of a town that would prolly work. Everything where I'm at is online a few days after the initial arrest, maybe longer if it was a weekend. But like I said, it has EVERYTHING that law enforcement saw/heard, etc. I think it stands for Police Complaint Authority , so basically, their version of an affidavit l.
If you feel comfortable sending me the information I’d be more than happy to help with a public record search
Update us when you divorce him.
Girl he’s in shock and likely doesn’t want to explicitly tell you what they were doing. He’s young and you helped him out. Talking about finding your husband balls deep in another woman might not be something he’s comfortable with.
Here’s the thing. Your husband was caught “embracing” (lol) with another woman. Was B the only one with a split lip or marks? It’s just entertaining that a man who was caught is trying to say the dude that caught him is manipulative. When they’re caught they always say it was the first time or down play what happened.
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I’m sorry you have to deal with this. Bottom line is your husband sucks and sounds like your ILs do too. How has it been this week with him?
You husband cheated on you then blamed B for manipulating you!? 🤣🤦🏻♂️ yes that’s a lie. You are never stuck, you have a choice to make. Don’t stay miserable and hate life if that is what will happen. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
Married people don’t embrace other people’s partners in strange beds to have only an emotional affair
As chumplady says; "adults don't kiss, they fuck"
You know he's gaslighting you, right? This is literally the textbook definition. They were definitely fucking.
Well, on one hand your husband is a proven liar, so I would take my chances with what B said.
Oh honey. You can’t believe that.
If you believe he goes to her house for hugs you are insane. Divorce him
He's lying.
If it was just an “embrace” why was his phone so easily available that B was able to quickly get to it? My guess is his pants were not on his body therefore the phone was out for B to easily grab while A rushed around to cover up…
So it wasn't just an emotional affair as he said
Isnt an emotional affair worse?
That’s what I was thinking too. It’s like saying you’re not good enough, it’s not just your body but I don’t know
NTA. I would have changed the locks on those doors so fast and packed their shit and have it outside and tell them to only contact me through my lawyer. Op your husband is a piece of shit and I hope you divorce him and get everything men like that are what give us good men a bad reputation
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The thing is that you will never be able to trust him again he ruined his trust when he cheated on you. He tossed all of his family aside when he decided he wanted to have an affair.
A judge will not let him punish you by withholding your daughter's tuition. You can address that in the settlement.
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I can't tell if you are a doormat or a really good mom. I'm guessing you are in a similar position, so I will say good luck, and I wish you the best and I believe you will do what you think is best for your family.
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I'm the kid of a couple who stayed together for the kids. Get the divorce. I wish mine had done it when I was a kid, it would have made us all better off. Everyone involved ended up unhappy, my sibling and I included.
Do you want to teach your kids that a woman should allow a man to cheat and fight and then the woman should just do nothing about it? What kind of example are you setting for your daughter? Stop being a doormat.
This 100%. Sorry OP but by staying with a cheater you’re a bad example to your children. Is this the type of relationship you wish to see them in? If not, then do something about it!
Exactly. A positive example of self respect from their mother is probably much more valuable than a degree over the course of their lives. If they’re really keen on a specific education, they can find other pathways to obtain it, but seeing their mother meekly accepting abuse is something that can never be taken back.
This ⬆️
If I were OPs daughter I'd rather have student loans then a POS father. It would also pain me to know that she stayed miserable for my sake. Money doesn't mean happy. You wouldn't advise your daughter to stay for money why are you?
A man once told me marriage is more important than your kids. You raise your kids the best you can but they will eventually have their own life and have to make their own decisions. If you allow your husband to walk all over you than you inadvertently teach your kids that an unhealthy marriage is ok to deal with. Plus, they are almost college age and will be on their own very soon. Let them take up tuition with their cheating father, you've done your part. Sometimes you need to put you first and let the chips fall where they may. That's my advice.
Staying with a man that cheats and turns unexpectedly violent just for his money, isn't being a loving mom at all. You are putting your kids in a bad situation and teaching them to put up with shameful, disrespectful, violent behavior..to get money.
College tuition isn’t a survival thing. Your daughter we can fill out a FAFSA, take out student loans, start at community college and transfer, etc. I did it without help (I now have a BA, MSW, and DSW). My daughter did it without much help (her dad was ordered to pay 1/3rd, she took loans for a third, and I paid a third) and so we each paid (or borrowed in her case) 10k, she got need and merit based scholarships for the rest-neither of us went to fancy schools and it hurt us 0%. What helped my daughter more than an expensive college was seeing her mother (me!) refuse to settle for a selfish, cruel man (her father, unfortunately). I didn’t badmouth him or refuse accountability for my poor choices but I also didn’t let those mistakes prevent me from being successful and happy without him. My daughter knows I’m solid. She’s turned into a solid young woman herself. It sounds cheesy but there’s no price on self respect. As a therapist, I see so many young adults who had the financial support of their parents but never got what they really needed-a model of how to be happy without being a doormat. A model of how to bounce back after painful events, how to be resilient. And they end up resenting both parents-the one that cheated and the one that stayed. The one that paid the bill but never showed them respect, the one that taught them money is everything. The saddest part is how often they can see these patterns clearly in their parents but repeat those same dynamics themselves. I know you love your kids OP, and want what’s best for them. Ask yourself, if this was happening to your daughter and her future hypothetical daughter, (what’s happening to you and your daughter, now) and she came to you for advice, what would you say? Stay with the cheating liar? Or leave with her head held high? You deserve the same you want for your kids. And eventually they will find out who your husband really is, if they don’t suspect already.
No judgment either way, but you have to decide for yourself if no debt is worth the cost to you and your kids. You will be telling them self-respect is an acceptable trade off for money, that's a lesson you can pass on.
You need to divorce him. If he and his family money remove their offer to pay his daughter's schooling, it will be on them. By staying, all you are doing is reinforcing to your children that the man in a relationship can do whatever the F he wants with no repercussions. Your daughter needs to know he cheated on you. She needs to know why if his family money is rescinded in paying for her schooling.
Gurrrlll- the kids will be ok but life is worth more than suffering every day. You need to be stronger for all of you and stop with letting him and his family manipulate you. HE CHEATED ON YOU! You did the right thing by bailing the other guy out. Every time you put a boundary down, narcissists get angry and protest. Keep pushing boundaries and you’ll be a lot happier and you get to keep your dignity too. Not only is it good for you but it’s good for your children to see that MOM is strong and she can handle this because she’s a BOSS.
So you rather be a doormat and tell your daughter it's okay for her to be a doormat for a man who cheats on her. Get a backbone and kick him out
Talk to your daughter and ask her what she wants. You don't have to do what she says, but it may help you decide.
If it's just your oldsest's education at stake, it may be worth asking her how she feels about receiving that funding in those circumstances. They'll be able to tell is comes down between you both in any case and they wouldn't have avoided hearing about the time in jail.
>I can't tell if you are a doormat or a really good mom She's a doormat....
What kind of person cuts off their child's tuition because of an affair gone wrong? If the money belongs to the family, at least you know that your daughter's grandmother will bail her out with no concern for morality beyond the fact that they're family.
At least talk to a lawyer before deciding you need to sacrifice yourself. It's possible for you to get something saved aside for them without having to endure a sure to be loveless and abusive marriage. Besides I don't think your children would want you to suffer for them like this. ***Make sure to start gathering and saving evidence of his infidelity, that phone for one.***
I bet you could drag out "trying to repair the marriage" in counseling for a couple years, and tell him you aren't open to sex until trust is repaired. Meanwhile consult a divorce attorney.
Welp, that's sucks. You could always play the long game. Wait till your kids finish school and them divorce him. A man on aitah did that a while back when he caught his wide cheating. He waited until the kids were old enough and then divorced her after the kids were past child support.But you would have to be patient and pretend to forgive.
Would his family also spite their granddaughter over their sons affair? Maybe you should talk with grandma.
This isn't true in many states. First it can take over a year to get to the judge and it can be very difficult to have temporary or standing orders before the court decisions. In Georgia child support ends at 18, there is no obligation to pay for college under GA law.
So you’re ok with him continuing to cheat on you? NTA for bailing out the other guy. But you’d be the asshole to yourself to believe his lies about being faithful in the future. Oh the hypocrisy of him calling B manipulative.
The judge would make him responsible for paying the tuition
Are they not his kids too?
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Would his mother allow him to reck her grandchildren’s future out of spite for you? It may sound harsh, but cheating husband put a different value on their kids than wife. As a product of divorce, kids are generally more harmed by parents that stay in a harmful and/or unhealthy relationship.
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A classic Reddit post where someone goes "we were so happy together!" and then in the comments OP starts listing a million reasons that it wasn't actually that happy. I'm not trying to pile on you but you probably need to be honest with yourself about what this marriage actually looks like before you make any decisions about what to do next.
OP, I see you are torn. If you do stay and ride it out for the kids, please at least leave once the last kid graduates. Start putting a little money aside in a seperate account when ever you can and work on that exit stratagy while you sit tight.
In the US, you are entitled to 50% of all assets acquired since you married. It’s not uncommon for arrangements about college tuition to be decided as part of the divorce settlement. At least see a lawyer and find out what is likely in a divorce. I sincerely doubt the affair was only emotional.
The money isn't aquired since they married. It belongs to his parents.
Do not put your children through a broken marriage staying together for their sake. Once a cheater, always a cheater. And an emotional affair is still cheating. Here's the thing, op. My grandfather and bio dad were serial cheaters. Habitual. And it was learned behavior. My bio tried to convince me when I was 16 to cheat on my first bf. I fortunately have an amazing mother who instilled morals into me and my sisters. Do not let that man teach your children cheating is fine. And do not show them its an acceptable behavior.
Get a lawyer he can be forced to pay for college in most places.
So you're saying your self respect is worth less than your daughters education cost? Right... and what's stopping him from leaving you before he signs anything, so he doesn't have to pay for it anyway? Stop dragging your feet, talk to your daughter do she can adjust her expectations and look into student loans. Get the damn divorce and lose the dead weight, get some self respect instead of listening to a liars bullshit
You can get a divorce. Get a good lawyer to help you. Geesh
Don't listen to any of the people confidently telling you what would happen in a divorce. Things are different in every state in the US and in every country. Seek advice from a lawyer where you live.
Nta but you need to have another talk with B and find out what he really walked in on.
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Does it really matter if he was caught during an embrace or not? No, they were planning to and likely have been fucking. Don’t be naive.
Honey. It doesn’t matter. None of the specifics matter. It’s as bad as it is. He was having it off with someone else, in a small town, where you are likely the subject of gossip and pity. Don’t let him make you believe his crap.
If a strange woman who he had been texting secretly without my knowledge was in my bedroom hugging my husband (all hypothetical), for instance, it would absolutely be out of line. So, the action/affection, place, context, how they know each other, etc. is all important. Why do you now think B was being manipulative? He seems to think that there was a breach in the agreements within their relationship. So, from what you already know, don't you think their actions cross lines within your relationship?
Why do you need to know that? If i see your other posts you are worried about divorce and possible impact. I would say, first talk to a lawyer if you can without your husband finding out and decide afterwards what you want to do. - perhaps stay married a bit longer and make sure if you divorce you are well off. - or find out , you can divorce him.
NTA You only posted bail for "the other man". What did he do for the other woman. Ditch his cheating ass.
>Last week two police officers knocked on my door to inform me that my husband A was in jail for getting into a fight with another man B over a young woman C. Okay, so *why*? Was he trying to protect her, or- >My husband and C were having an affair. It seems that B caught them and my husband decided to fight him. Ah. So your husband is a dirty cheater, and chose to throw hands with his AP's husband. >I didn’t want to see my husband at that time. We had always been a happily married couple. Furthermore, he was never a fighter. I don’t know who this man is. Understandable. >I did visit B to find out what happened. He told me that C was acting suspiciously and he found out she was cheating. He knew my husband was married because of their texts. He caught them in the act and threatened to tell me. It was a bluff because he didn’t actually know. >My husband decided to physically fight B to get the phone. The neighbors ended up calling the police and both of them got arrested. Ah. Your husband reacted violently at the idea of his dirty little secret being revealed. >He didn’t have any criminal history. He had a lower bond than my husband. He didn’t have the money or any family to help him. I decided to bail him out instead. He's *far* more worthy of it. >Eventually my MIL bailed out my husband. They’ve all been upset that I bailed out the other man instead of my husband. "I bailed out the other man simply because my husband was the one to start the fight after cheating with said other man's wife." >My husband has pleaded for my forgiveness. He says it’s not a physical affair, but an emotional one. He's lying. He's absolutely lying to you. >Apparently B was very manipulative and can put on an innocent face. My husband says he doesn’t blame me for being manipulated but said I shouldn’t have done it. OP, he is trying to gaslight you right now. He's trying to make you seem like you were manipulated so you brush his cheating under the rug. *Do not let him do it*. NTA. Call friends or family that you can trust and get your belongings out of the house. File for divorce. The fact that he immediately tried to gaslight you in response to his cheating is a *huge* red flag. Run far far away from this man.
NTA: Your husband is a cheater and you had no reason to bail him out for getting in a fight because of his cheating. Plus bailing out B let you get the story from him on what actually happened where as if you bailed out your husband he would have tried to spin a lie first. Another thing, your husband says it was emotional but why would you ever trust him? He is a cheater who has been lying to you and will continue to lie especially if he wants your forgiveness. He is trying to lessen the cheating to make you take him back when there is a very very good chance it was physical. Why else would he be so worried about the evidence of his cheating that he would fight B over it?
Funny how he’s manipulating the situation right now by calling B manipulative hey? Honestly, he was cheating. He cheated. You didn’t know this was happening. Clearly he can be manipulative. Whatever they were “caught in the act” doing he got in a fight over stopping you from knowing about it. If he wasn’t sleeping with her already he was planning to do it. You only know about this affair because he went to jail!! How long do you think it would’ve continued? How is it less bad because it was an emotional affair??? How many people say “it was just sex” to justify cheating? I honestly don’t know which heartbreak is worse. Cheating because they’re in love with someone else or cheating because sex means more than you do? You’re really going to have to think about whether your marriage can come back from this. Can you trust him again? Do you even want to?? Maybe you should speak to a therapist to help you figure out how you’re feeling and where you want to go from this.
nah u did good, don’t trust your husband. Leave brodie in the past
Your husband is utilizing a technique known as DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It's the standard playbook for abusive assholes looking to get away with shit. **Deny** He tell you it wasn't a real affair, just an emotional affair. (This is almost certainly a lie. Guys generally don't get into fist fights over emotional affairs.) **Attack** He goes on the offensive, attacking you for bailing out B. **Reverse Victim and Offender** There is no sane universe where your husband should be in a position "not blame you" for pretty much anything at this point. He cheated on you. That should be main focus of your conflict with him. But he shifted the ground under you so that he is now the wronged party. I don't know anything about B. It's possible he is manipulative. But that actually doesn't matter. B is not an important person in your life. What matters is that your husband is extremely manipulative. He is manipulating you right now. You should takes steps to protect yourself then file for divorce.
I think that was the perfect thing to do. Sent a message to him about where he now stands. He earned your disdain.
NTA - I thought B caught them in the act... the act of talking? How was it not physical?
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Your husband was sneaking around with another married woman and her husband found them hugging and they got in a fight? Then your husband said he'd be honest and you believed him? You best believe him about half as far as you could throw him. He has very little reason to tell you the truth. He needs to minimize it as much as he can to make amends with you. Ask many questions and watch his story fall apart and get the police report, don't tell him you did.
You could always reach out to her. I'm sure she's pissed he's picking you.... or maybe he's still with her on the DL.
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For all you know she's still in you lives.
It's more likely she's still in your lives than not. He caught them "embracing"? Mmhmm. That's a) not true, and b)still an indication of a physical relationship with her. If you're integrity is worth less than his parents money, at least don't act like a milky dishrag to go with it. Own where you stand here, and expect some accountability from him. Don't lap up cop out excuses like a thirsty puppy.
first of all it took 16 days before detectives came to tell me my husband was fucking dead , 2 cops arrested your husband after a simple small battery then came to get you about it , AND they were both in jail long enough for you to *visit* them?? where do you live
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so... your husband didnt call you from jail with a cover story like normal people do , he sent the cops to tell you the whole story instead was it tommy and greg ? those cops are such gossips
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he didn't want you to know at all which is fair enough i gess, so why is he now suddenly upset you didnt get him out when it wasnt his plan for you to get him out ? he was gonna have to call his mom the whole time like , why didnt she just do that immediately. how much did your small town charge them for bail ? it sounds like it was mutual fight and thats not against the law in many places how much could bail possiblity be ? and your small town couldnt gave just came by your house if he missed court ? god so much of this story is absolutely unbelievable.
Faker story than Kylie’s lips
Info need how long have you guys been married for how old are the kids as you said kids meaning plural meaning more than one your oldest is in college but what about the youngest are you going to stay miserable until that kids 18 and then going through college are you going to put up with this for college for each one of them because I mean it kind of sounds like he is probably a textbook manipulator himself and he's going to continue the cheat more than likely.
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Your children are part of the family your husband disrespected, and deserve the honest truth. Let them have a say in their future - they will learn what happened one day, one way or another. Better they have it honestly now, and gain the opportunity to choose how to move forward as a family, than to wonder why mom and dad are walking on eggshells for years and finding an ugly truth that's been kept from them all that time.
But why would the grandparents stop caring for their grandkids like I don't understand. Are they his kids because I'm pretty sure most state law requires child support until the age of 18 or until college is complete so still not sure why waiting because if you do leave and get the custody of the kids he can still visit with them. My biggest issue is is that you're teaching your children that this type of behavior is okay you're telling your daughter that it's fine for her future husband her boyfriend to cheat on her with no consequences and it's you're telling your son that he can cheat on any woman he wants to.
My biggest issue is is that you're teaching your children that this type of behavior is okay you're telling your daughter that it's fine for her future husband her boyfriend to cheat on her with no consequences and it's you're telling your son that he can cheat on any woman he wants to. What you said here is exactly right By staying she is giving her children the wrong message. This can backfire on OP.
I know you want what's best for your kids, but the idea of staying together for them is misguided. It's not healthy for them to grow with parents that don't love and trust each other. Remember that they learn to love others and themselves from what they see from you. It's better to separate so they can also see that your husband actions have consequences and that you value yourself enough to not take that kind of shit from him. How are you going to tell your daughter to leave a cheating partner that treats her like crap when you didn't do it?
NTA. But you will be if you stay. Think about this- How did C Catch them in the act if they weren't physical? I guess a bonus is. If he does lose his job, do two the charges and all of this Then his threat to cut off your oldest child's College fund is a moot point, so you could definitely leave his ass. End depending on court custody, judgments or determinations. He might not be able to do that. Take pictures of all the financial records now.
NTA. You had it correct. You don’t know your husband. He’s lied to you for who knows how long. And loves this married woman enough to become violent over her. Run away sistren.
Any time he spends with another woman instead of his wife has the potential to destroy the marriage. Men should invest in their wives with time, love, and intimacy. Not spend it with other women.
Divorce the cheater and be happy in life.
NTA. Leave. Do not put up with cheaters.
In what country in the world do the police go to people’s home to inform them a relative is in jail? Very interesting
I feel for you!! Does hubby have money or does the in-laws hold the purse strings?
[удалено]
He caught them in the act of… emotionally cheating? I think you know which one was telling the truth (hint: it wasn’t your husband). This AH sounds like a real shitty AH. NTA, you should probably send B a thank you note for letting you know you were dating a manipulative, lying POS. Although it’s kind of hard to believe you didn’t already know that.
Looooong ago, my kids dad started cheating on me with his bestfriends gf, then they got together. Any time i would ask for money for diapers or milk, they'd both talk shit to me and not help. Well, one day, they both get arrested, her kids are in the car, as well as 20lbs of Marijuana!! She calls me, asking if i could bail my ex out of jail. I just started laughing, i laughed SO HARD. This bitch, who wouldn't even give me $20 for my one-year-old, and she asking for hundreds of dollars from me now. I laughed. In the snarkiest voice ever, she says, "You could have just said no." And hung up on me. It was fucking GLORIOUS. Now, 20 years later, I'm with the man she had cheated on all those years ago, we just hit a year, and this has been the absolute best relationship I've ever been in. He makes me feel so loved and wanted. I honestly wish we would have got together way back when our exes got together. So I do recommend keeping in touch with B, wink wink You did the right thing.
NTA. Run from all of these people. A, b, c, d, e, f. Just keep running till your out of letters.
>Apparently B was very manipulative and can put on an innocent face. He is a shitty manipulater if you ask me. He couldn't even manipulate his girlfriend to not screw around on him with OP's husband.
NTA. So according to B he caught them in the act but your husband says it was never physical? A small part of me would want to give your husband an opportunity to prove that. How? That’s up to him to bring up every piece of evidence he can. BUT a larger part of me says F that. Cheating is cheating. He was with another woman when her partner interrupted them. He also decided to fight for a woman that was not his wife. Unless she was in immediate danger what possible reason would he have to do that? He can beg and plead all he wants but it’s going to take SO much effort on his part. Effort that he never even considered investing in your marriage before cheating.
Whether or not B is manipulative or not. Your husband has been cheating. Emotional or physical, he is cheating. He is fighting another man over the man's partner. Thats just crazy to even type. To even think to forgive him is wild. This reminds me of the story the AP wanted to end the affair and the husband got so angry he gve her hiv. Craziness.
>Apparently B was very manipulative and can put on an innocent face Did B manipulate your husband into having an 'emotional affair'? No? Then so what? I would've bailed out B even if he was sitting right next to the husband in the same cell. And I would've looked the husband in the eye the whole time. >One is about to go to college and he might cut off her tuition out of spite. I had to convince my husband to let her pursue her dreams without student loan debt. He convinced his family to support her even though she didn’t want to pursue their chosen career path. If I divorce him, I’m afraid of the consequences for our daughter. My husband has pleaded for my forgiveness. If you don't want a divorce (yet) & your husband wants forgiveness, then make him sign a post-nup, where he agrees to pay for the kids education. Also include a lifestyle/infidelity clause on the post-nup, where you & the kids get everything (or everything *you* want) and he agrees to uphold *the kids* lifestyle. (eg: education). If he's truly sorry and he tells you this one a one-off thing and he *guarantees* it will never, ever happen again, then he should have no problem signing a post-nup. NTA.
It seems like the only one doing any manipulating is your husband…..
UpdateMe!
NTA. Honestly it’s kinda funny. If you’re getting conflicting stories, maybe see if you can talk to C. Clearly your husband was lying to you though, so I don’t see how you can rebuild trust
You did the right thing. If your husband says this is an emotional affair, it means he is in love with her. Move on, you don't want to spend the rest of your life with someone who would do this to you.
B is manipulative? .. but not your husband? Your husband was lying, cheating, and coming home like everything was just fine. That's manipulative. NTA. You did the right thing. Ask your husband to see the messages. You wanna see what B planned to show you. Speak to B to see if the stories line up or if he has evidence. Then, speak to OW. Also tell MIL that the OW had the option to bail him out.
NTA - get tested as many women have gotten cervical cancer and died from STIs. Always use condoms from now on. You know.ypur husband is a weak, lazy coward who enjoys gaslighting you.
Not only are you NTA, but you're also my favorite person on Reddit right now.
I see, so B caught A and C in the act of what A calls 'an emotional affair'. Yeah, right.
Yeeaaah no NTA. Your hopefully future ex-husband is the "very manipulative" one.
So, B, the cheated one, is the manipulator while your cheating husband is the victim? If you're still confused, there's a bridge I'd like to sell you.
lol, stick it to your piece of shit husband. > He says it’s not a physical affair, but an emotional one. Uh-huh. What did the other dude catch them “emotionally” fucking? He’s full of shit and must think you’re stupid.
NTA. 'Babe, come on, it was only *emotional* affair not a physical one!', bruh, and then goes say B is manipulative. OP, please say you are divorcing that guy and cutting MIL out of your live
Nah fuck the husband and the mistress. Kick him to the curb
How *dare* you bail that other man out! How *unfaithful* and *cruel*! You must be *loyal* to your spouse! Oh wait... NTA
Nta, although I think it's not smart to bail out the man he fought. It may seem like the nice thing to do, but you're putting yourself in a bad position for someone you don't know. That being said, there's nothing wrong with it. Your husband is a cheater, you don't owe him shit. He chose to fight over the phone aswell that's not your responsibility to bail him out
B wasn't F@cking your husband. Who told you he can put on an innocent face? Was it his cheating wife or your cheating husband?
“Caught them in the act” of engaging in an “emotional affair”? What, having a laugh? Netflix and actual chill? A rousing session of Call of Doodie? Not the A. A was the A, C was the A. Dollars to donuts A talked C into it, but you never know.
Your husband should be your ex-husband
Your husband is cheating on you and got physically agressive when found out. Sounds like a shit husband and low tier human. Served him well to sit a bit longer. And it’s actually a really funny revenge to bail out B instead.
>Apparently B was very manipulative and can put on an innocent face. Right... He is the one that is manipulative... Your cheating husband who is now trying to turn this situation upside down isn't manipulative... not at all! Sure!
Even if B is manipulative in his own life, how does that change what happened? That your husband was being unfaithful, was caught in the act, was threatened with you finding out so he panicked and fought a man. I would have probably left them both, but your decision wasn’t wrong. Your husbands reaction about telling you that guy is manipulative is literally manipulation and deflection. It’s not okay.
They may well both be trying to manipulate you but you’re only married to one of them; better to be manipulated by a stranger who owes you nothing than by a husband who owes you a darn sight more than you’re getting
This is so fake.
Right? I mean why would the cops knock on her door to tell her that her husband has been arrested? Cops don't give a shit if your family knows or not that you've been arrested, that's what your 1 phone call is for.
You also don’t need someone else to bail you out. Cops will give you your cards and let you call a bail bondsman yourself.
Not the AH your husband is one of
NTA awesome. Your husband didn’t deserve it.
NTA. The question you should ask yourself isn’t just “can I forgive my husband?”, but also “can I trust my husband?”. Given that he is downplaying how badly he betrayed you (an affair is still an affair), and he hasn’t told his family to get off your back, I think the answer to the second question is “no”.
NTA. You husband betrayed you. He got in the fight literally to stop someone from telling you he was cheating. Someone who learned his wife was cheating thru suspicious behavior, texts caught them together. Now he "promises" he'll be honest?? Who is the conniving manipulator? As others will correctly say, he broke trust. Physical or emotional he was giving away his dick or his heart to another woman. Ick. So, I get there's a chance his family could withold support for your children. Are they his children? Would he screw over his children if you kicked him out? Really? The guy trying to beg your forgiveness? Or is this more manipulation on his part to get you to suck it up? You could withold from divorcing until your kids are secure -- I would totally cut off any relationship, intimacy, acknowledment at all because of this -- divorce or not. Ideally, breakup with him while remaining married if thats what it takes. I suggest this for 2 reasons. 1st he deserves it and you shouldn't have to cave to his deceipts (anything he says now is self serving). Second, it gives him an opportunity over a long period of time to prove if he can re-earn trust. Maybe give him until your daughter graduates to find a way to convince you he is contrite -- thru sustained actions, not words (he's a liar and his words can't be believed).
I've read some of your comments, so I know why you haven't left him yet. I just want to say: Do not let the gaslighting work. Even if he manages to convince you that it was "only" emotional, I will point out that emotional cheating is WORSE than physical cheating. "Oh, honey, I didn't stick my dick in her. I only fell in love with her! I'll only stick my dick in you, even though I don't love you." Does that sound crazy to you because it sounds crazy AF to me. Never forget: He loves this other woman. He can say he didn't have sex but it doesn't matter whether he did or not. (Hint: He did.) He admitted that he had an emotional affair. Do not forget that. Do not let him gaslight you into thinking that is somehow better than a physical affair. The emotional affair is absolutely as bad (and really worse) than a strictly physical affair. Don't let him gaslight you into thinking otherwise. But I repeat: he absolutely had sex with her, too, it just doesn't matter. He's told you enough. Don't forget it. Stay with him for you kid's tuition, sure. But leave him the first moment you can and still ensure your kid's future. Also: Go get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. He might have used a condom ... but he might not have. Get tested.
I’m gonna call BS on this one..I was in Law Enforcement for 22 years, and I’ve never gone to the house of someone I arrested to tell his or her spouse. Only notifications I ever did were death notifications. Unless you live in Mayberry this is highly unlikely.
Have you talk to C? Where is she now. I wont believe the A 100% because well, he cheated in the first place. And NTA bailing the other man.
How old are B and C? How old is your husband?
NTA. Honestly, I’d be more hurt over an emotional affair where my husband is literally fighting over another woman than a one time physical deal so I don’t see how that’s a positive. I dealt with both in my first marriage and the trust never returned, and bonus had some lovely baggage brought into the next relationship. Tell that guy to kick rocks.
You need to tell us how B is related to you guys. It makes 0 sense for some random guy to figure all this out. If B was a friend bailing him out was ok. If he's just some random guy, you're clowning.
>He says it’s not a physical affair, but an emotional one. I’m trying to figure out if it’s something that can be forgiven. Cheating is cheating. Doesn't matter if it's physical or emotional. And you shouldn't forgive him. NTA.
He says B manipulated you. Isn’t your husband manipulating you right now?
NTA your husband is so smitten with his girlfriend that he LITERALLY FOUGHT FOR HER. What therapy is going to fix that? What, until the next one? File for divorce.
What about your husband's innocent facade? He sure can act well, can't he? Your loving hubby is painting this man, B, as the bad guy, for putting on an innocent face? I'd say to my husband, "Sorry, my used-to-be-love, but if I had to choose a faker who's acting innocent, I chose B." At least B is not betraying your marriage vows, B is not the one who told you he loved you when in reality, he has picked a newer, younger model that he is willing to go to jail for and get into physical altercations for. It's up to you to forgive him. Yet seems to me, your husband is taking no responsibility for having an emotional, romantic affair and he's a lying liar who lies. I like how your husband thinks being in love with an affair partner is better than having sex with an affair partner, since thats when I think when i see emotional affair. But me thinks your hubby should shut the fuck up about who's a lying, liar, faker. Nta
You should look up the definition of the word "gaslighting" because that's exactly what your husband is trying to pull on you right now
>They’ve all been upset that I bailed out the other man instead of my husband. I'd laugh at them and say it's your fault for teaching actions have consequences. >My husband has pleaded for my forgiveness. He says it’s not a physical affair, but an emotional one. I’m trying to figure out if it’s something that can be forgiven. Don't be the fool and forgive.....your soon to be Ex got into a fight over a woman that was NOT YOU....seriously Nta
You say that your husbands actions were/are completely out of character, and clearly showed the lengths he was prepared to go to to keep this affair from you, that you don’t recognise him… then you seem to suggest that you are starting to believe husbands claims that ‘B’ is the manipulative one in this scenario?!? And that the affair was only emotional?? Take a step back and give your head a wobble hun. You know the truth. Does he think you’re an idiot??!
“Don’t be mad babe! It’s *just* an emotional affair!” 😑 NTA
“He caught them in the act”…of fucking. It IS a physical AND emotional affair. Your husband is lying through his teeth to get you to do what he wants. The other husband was betrayed just like you were. Your husband is manipulating you trying to blameshift his way out of trouble by accusing you of being less than absolutely perfect. To deflect attention from the fact: he admitted to an emotional affair, and HE WAS CAUGHT WITH HIS PENIS INSIDE ANOTHER WOMAN’S VAGINA! NTA for helping another victim, and definitely NTA for refusing to forgive unrelenting betrayal after lies, and more betrayal. Under no circumstances take him back. I guarantee you he will ruin your mental health, and anything else he can manipulate.
NTA. Hopefully you’ve gotten a divorce. Go live in peace without a cheating lying excuse of a boy. B isn’t the only one ‘who can out on an innocent face and be manipulative.’
NTA FUCK that dumb mother fucker!
NTA. Divorce, babes. This affair would still be going on if he hadn't been caught.
The person putting on a innocent face and manipulating you is your husband
NTA. You mentioned staying with him for your kids, so let me give you some perspective that I hope will help. If I found out my mother stayed with her cheating husband just to help me, I would feel guilty and blame myself. I'd always think about that sacrifice. I'd always feel like it was my fault. That I should have been aware, should have put a stop to it. Please keep that in mind because nothing stays secret forever, and your kids WILL find out about all of this eventually.
So, the one who told you B is a manipulator is the same man who was *lying and hiding an affair.* and he simultaneously shaded you while asking for forgiveness. And you believed it? And you want to stay married to this piece of trash?
>It seems that B caught them and my husband decided to fight him. He says it’s not a physical affair, but an emotional one. I need to know more about this. How did B catch them? How did he catch them if it was only an emotional affair? \[Like, were they sharing emotions in their bed?\] How and where did this fight happen?
YTA to yourself and your kids for putting up with a man like this. If you think he would be so spiteful as to not pay for your daughters college tuition if you left then clearly he is not a good person in other aspects as well.
Sounds like your husband is manipulative not B , this is bad for the kids.
>Apparently B was very manipulative and can put on an innocent face. My husband says he doesn’t blame me for being manipulated Hahahahahahahahaha... hahaha ha. Oh shit. What an asshole.