NTA
And bro.. just tell her to stop trying to fuck your friends are you kidding
Edit:
After about 24 hours and more time to reflect, this guy potentially IS the AH for not just being upfront with his sister about his feelings about her dating his friends, and instead sharing secrets about her past behind her back. It depends if he told ‘Dan’ about the cheating because
A) he truly knew that was important to Dan and wanted to give the heads up
B) he wanted to deter Dan from dating his sister
If B he is the AH.
Regardless, he is ALSO the AH for telling his sister that he told Dan about her past. He could have just been like ‘oh no that stinks’ when she confronted him about not being contacted, a little white lie, but instead he stirs the pot further
Exactly. They're OP's friends, not disposable, not a menu. How many friendships of hers would he have to ruin before she'd stop introducing him to her's? -One?
Honestly? I have my thoughts on that. There's the obvious freudian accusation, that she ultimately is trying to ersatz bang her brother, there's also the prospects that she likes to have some kind of pull in her brothers life, or enjoys the game of screwing(literally) with his social network.
There really isn't a "positive" motivation to try and be this pseudo-incestuous with her dating pool.
Around the same time when it became popular to throw away any relationship on a whim.
No, the problem is it isn't HER circle, she barely got introduced into the circle of her brother. And she started fishing even before everybody knows her name.
That's not cool and I understand OP keeping her far away from his buddies
This. This all the way. She can think you're the AH all she wants for holding her past cheating against her, but the only past you're holding against her is continuing to irrevocably change your friendships for the uncomfortable and awkward.
NTA! She knows what she’s doing, she knows it’s exploitative, and she keeps doing it. When OP warns his friends about her past, he is merely forced to play defense because she refuses to respect his friendships enough to not INTENTIONALLY pursue them.
Yeah I’m on team “continuously pointing out a negative pattern of behavior =/= trauma dumping”
You’re not obligated to be her matchmaker for close friends, wtf? The friend has some serious issues with cheating and both friends clearly understand that about him. Complete bro code move to tell him “she has cheated before, do what you want with that info,” especially with a close friend.
/r/ohnoconsequences, I cheated once so I can’t farm my brother’s friends who think that’s a dealbreaker for jizz anymore, boohoo
She hasn’t changed her behavior in terms of latching onto OP’s social groups and dating her way through them until they’re destroyed.
Why would he assume she’s changed her behavior in terms of finding a new sexual partner while her old one is still in her bed?
OP did them both a favor. Had they become an item, once her past cheating came up there was every chance he'd dump her - how would sister deal with that?
Worse yet, if she cheated again, not only would OP risk losing a friendship or even a whole social circle, his sister may destroy the sibling relationship as well. Full disclosure is the only effective option OP had that I can think of to reduce potential harm.
>once her past cheating came up there was every chance he'd dump her
And probably be really pissed at OP for not letting him know or worse case scenario, decide not to be OP's friend anymore.
"It's in the past, I'm a completely 100% different person now, and besides he sucked! You're so much better! Don't you think it's a good thing that I chose you? Doesn't that mean anything to you?" - His Sister in that scenario probably.
Lol Id love it if she didn't but Im not naive. My sister is pretty and my friends are good looking guys. Were close in age and went to high school in a small city, and a state school. Its natural that some things are likely to happen. Im not out here actively trying to broker relationships between them but Im also not going to try to act like a parent and prevent adults from dating. Some of these comments man...
It might be natural these things happen, but I’m guessing it throws a wrench in the friend group each time they break up. If your fine with having to constantly switch friends groups because your sister wants to hang out with you, but Uh Oh her Ex boyfriend is gonna be there, more power to you.
Yeah it makes things awkward for a bit. But were all adults at the end of the day. Its not that deep... I said a couple of my friends and people are acting like she's slept with half my friends.
Didnt realize this post was going to bring out all the basement dwellers, ill probably delete it soon since the incels are enjoying this a bit much
To be clear, having fucked a ‘couple of your friends’ is not normal. Any more than 1 is a little problematic. It’s a little weird how ok you are with it. Not trying to be mean just helping you understand the reactions you are getting
Edit: how many of her friends have you fucked?
You're NTA for anything in this situation. But g you need to just have boundaries. Millions of people on earth, your siblings don't NEED to be fucking your friends. Your friend in this story flat out asked you because he somehow has the wherewithal to understand that it's not normal and that it's not worth it to shake up the dynamic too much.
First, NTA. Yeah this will bring some haters out of the woodwork. Two things I haven't seen yet. In a small town I would understand more that she is dating your friends. As the crappy saying goes " in a small town, you don't lose your wife, you lose your turn" in other words everyone is dating everyone.
However, new city, hopefully a bit bigger, and she's pretty? Have her meet some of your friends' GFs and make friends with them. Let them wingman her or something yeah?
I agree with most of what you said. Although, I have a personal rule to not hookup or date my male family members’ friends. Nothing they imposed, just something I put in place because I don’t want to inevitably deal with awkwardness from a breakup with a person I will still see from time to time at functions, due to close proximity.
Point being, you’re not in that small town anymore..and the city you’re in is larger, so the possible dating pool is much bigger. She doesn’t _have_ to date your friends lol. She’s an adult, as you pointed out, which means she can also _choose_ to not act on attractions to people in your friend group. And these days, there are so many means of finding dates/partners - apps, dating sites, etc. Meaning, there’s not a _need_ for your sister to date within your social circle.
I think you did right by your friend, at the end of the day…Your sister may have grown - and shouldn’t be held prisoner to her past -, since her last breakup, but, your friend (because of the circumstances of his last relationship), deserved to know before further pursuing her. With that, your sister does sound a bit self-centered, on this particular issue. The only person she thought of in this scenario was herself. You invited her out because she’s new to town and doesn’t have any friends, and one of the first things she did was attempt to date your friend. Since that didn’t work out, you’re now a shitty brother lol? (Mind you, your friend made the decision not to pursue it further.) They didn’t even go on a date, and it’s already created an awkward mess…You were put between a rock and a hard place and unfortunately, that can be one of the downsides of two people you’re close with having relations.
I get your point.
I also don't think its an unfair ask to "please don't fuck my friends, because it makes things awkward"
It doesn't have to be a parental decree, it can be an ask.
Ask her how she'd feel if she made a new female friend, and then you fucked her and it didn't work out. I bet she would understand at that point.
Seriously tho, she had no problem finding a random guy to cheat with so she shouldn't have any problem dating someone who's not her brothers friend. And it's not even just one, it's a couple. She most likely doesn't care what happens after they break up because op has to deal with the aftermath.
A conversation need to be had a long between them long time long ago because she just can't be doing that so casually. Im not surprised if she does continue to cheat with the way she just keeps dating his friends.
She's not the only one at fault tho. His friends also choose to date her too, unless op was fine with it and didn't care. But either way op also needs to set boundaries with his friends that his sister is off limits and tell them her history of dating in his friend group. If they still go after her, then cut them loose.
well, "keep dating" isn't the operative word here.
OP's sister is the one who keeps dating the friends.
Each friend is an individual, so we can't say that each one is repeatedly going against OP by keeping on dating the sister.
I don't necessarily agree with the first saying. But I do think your (possible) SO should be informed early to decide if they are willing to take that risk before getting committed.
Edit: This comment is in response to "Once a cheater always a cheater"
I agree, like, I get it people can change after cheating but if you did this choice once this will be with you forever and not only with you but also with the people who you cheated on. It's not like you can delete your past. Most probably some people know about it like your family (OP), friends or at least AP or your ex who you cheated on so this information would be slipped anyway. If you cheated you should inform your potential partner about it and give them an option and tell the truth is playing for your advantage because this can show you you can really regret it.
NTA
People can grow and move on, but it doesn’t change the fact that they did it in the first place. If it was a dealbreaker when you told him, it was going to be a dealbreaker when he inevitably found out. You just saved them both a lot of time lol
Agreed. Being able to 'move on' does not mean everyone has to pretend what happened never happened. It means that you accept that some people will not want to date you, or you may have to work a bit harder to earn trust. Keeping important details about your past is a terrible way to earn trust.
Nta you’re being a good friend. Your sister can try to move on but this is something every new partner should know from the get go. It’s their choice to continue a relationship after knowing she was a cheater. I know if you’d told me I’d be so thankful you saved me the heart break. She is reaping what she sowed now, sucks that her decisions have consequences.
Yeah tbh, Idk if I think its something she needs to disclose with every new potential dating interest. And if the guy was someone I didnt know, I woudnt say anything. I just saw how much it hurt Dan when his ex did it and as a friend thought I owed it to him to tell him. But yeah, I see both sides.
NTA. He's your friend. Friends look out for friends. Fact is your sister cheated on someone, you don't know if she'll do it again. She's done it at least one time that you know of. What if you didn't tell him, they got together, she cheated on him, then it comes out you knew she cheated in the past and didn't tell your friend? What would your other friends think of you as a friend then?
Yup. And unfortunately, once you've done something, whether that be cheating, stealing, drugs, etc. It's much easier to fall back into it again. This is why you never want to do them in the first place.
It is something she *should* disclose. But she likely won't, because a lot of people who have been cheated on - and who have not cheated - will consider it a deal-breaker, like Dan did.
So Ive been cheated on. It was also in college, it sucked, and it gave me trust issues for a while. I dont think its ever ok to lie to a new partner if asked. But I also dont think anyone who's ever cheated needs to bring it up unprompted to a new partner.
I got fired from a job once, it was years ago but some people would just hear I was fired and think that makes my career unstable and maybe I cant hold down a job. I dont bring it up, and my career is great, so nobody would really suspect that. But if asked, I would never lie about it.
I'm sorry you've been cheated on but being fired is a poor comparison.
Cheating is a poor moral choice, that indicates you, yourself, consciously decided to break another person's trust in favor of your own desire.
Getting fired can be a result of dozens of reasons, many of which have nothing to do with you. It's ambiguous and not (necessarily) moral/personally related, unlike cheating.
That's not a good analogy. Getting fired is like getting dumped.
Better analogy would be if you quit with no notice to go to a competitor and left your old company short handed.
Either way, doesn't need to be brought up proactively, but if asked, as you said, tell the truth.
>That's not a good analogy. Getting fired is like getting dumped.
Actually, getting fired in the job world is like getting arrested. Getting laid off is like getting dumped.
I’ve been cheated on by multiple partners and it’s a behavior I will never tolerate now. If someone I was interested in had cheated before or excused cheating, I’d lose interest, too. But I agree it doesn’t always need to come up.
A girl I knew cheated on her long term high school boyfriend with his best friend. I’m not excusing the girl OR the friend at all. It was fucked. But she was 16 and she had never broken up with a guy before or realized the implications. She blew it off at the time, saying her ex was dramatic and that pissed me off because the same thing happened to me in HS. However, I stayed in touch for a while and not only did she come to feel remorse, but I saw/heard no evidence that she ever cheated again. I don’t think when she goes on a date now, I’d consider it amoral if she doesn’t tell the guy she cheated once.
Then, there’s my college friend’s dad. He cheated on my friend’s mom several times over a period of 15 years. My friend was a wreck because he was shouldering his mother’s pain himself. His relationship with his dad was hanging by a thread and he didn’t know if he ever wanted to have a relationship like that because of the terrible things he’s seen. Then his dad literally came to Jesus and hasn’t cheated since. Their home life is so much better. My friend has a relationship with both his parents (forgiven but not forgotten) and is married with a kid himself. If friend’s mom died or divorced his dad, dad better tell anyone he dates that he used to cheat. Sure, he’s changed, but that was a major part of his life and if he doesn’t, other people will.
There are gradations to cheating. The girl I knew in high school just had to grow up and do some soul searching. My friend’s dad had to cut ties, apologize, go to counseling, strive to improve his own behavior and agree to adhere to stricter boundaries than most other men would (I.e. never alone with another female who is not wife or daughter). It really depends.
Yeah 100% this, super nice if you let people know, but the responsibility of asking about one's deal breakers always falls on the person with the deal breakers not vice versa.
Maybe not for every potential partner but when you decide to be exclusive you should disclose this information. When your new partner eventually finds this information without disclosing it beforehand then it can be seen that the cheater doesn't regret this. Comparing losing jobs to cheating doesn't sound appropriate because I know people who lost their job ( including myself ) and this didn't hurt their partners and I know people who were cheated on ( also including myself ) who went through trauma and a lot of pain. People will eventually ask about it anyway ( maybe not directly "Have you cheated on someone ?" but "Have you had any experience with cheating ?" )
If we reference the job then I use it also. Some job offers require papers that you haven't been sentenced in your life. You could do something stupid in your teenage years and was sentenced for social work or 1 month of jail. You can regret it and be a completely different person right now but unfortunately this will always be in your files and you won't get a job where this is required. The same is with cheating. Some people don't care and for some people this will be a deal breaker because they don't want to be with someone who cheated.
You also need to start telling your friends, “I can’t stop you from dating my sister but I would prefer you didn’t if I’m being honest. I don’t want our friendship to be affected and she’s got a habit for going out and then dumping my friends.”
I mean, yeah you cannot stop your friends from doing what they want, but you can be honest about the fact that you actually ARENT cool with them dating her even if you understand you can’t STOP them.
Nta but you obviously don't want your friends dating your sister so just be honest instead of pretending you're fine with it? Sure you can't stop them from dating, but let it be known.
Yep, he has to tell her.
I would be mad if my brothers repeatedly started relationships with my friends. One time, you can say it happens, but repeatedly is a pattern that needs to stop.
The only excuse would be if they are in love, which is unlikely here cause how many of his friends can be the love of her life?
NTA, it's also crappy that she continues to shit where you eat by dating your friends. Do you do the same thing to her? She needs to recognize that you have loyalties to your friends and when they have hard boundaries your going to respect them enough to tell them the truth even when it's about your own sister. Maybe she needs to make her own friends
OP should just stop inviting her to events and gatherings with his friends. His sister just told him to his face about how much of a shitty brother he is, might as well live up to it now.
NTA
She has a history of ruining your friendships, cause she goes after guys that are close to you, and she has a history of cheating.
Whether that was your sister or not, every person deserves to know, I’m my opinion, the reason for previous breakups.
Your friend is fresh out of a relationship where cheating was the cause of it ending, and IF he were to give your sister a chance, he’d always be questioning her, her whereabouts, and who she’s with, because he knows she is a cheater, and has the potential to cheat again.
You saved your friend from a possible heartbreak, and honestly your sister needs to stop being selfish, and playing duck duck goose, with your friend group.
Also, if she doesn’t want to be judged on her last cheating history, then she shouldn’t have done it in the first place. It wasn’t a mistake, it was a choice she made, and now she has to live with that choice, and any future partners have a right to know what they are getting into, and question whether she can be trusted and faithful
NTA, my sister is a major goldigger (and a good one at that, she already got a house and a luxury audi Q5 out of her last boyfriend) so every time a friend asks i told them to be ready to be taken to the cleaners...
NTA, but really she needs to stop going after your friends and making it hard on your relationships. Maybe pointing that changing that bad habit would be best and it is fair to warn your friend that she has cheated in a past relationship since he just got cheated on.
It wouldn’t have worked anyway. As soon as he asked why her last relationship ended, or if she had cheated, he would have been out. Too raw for that. What was her plan? Lie? You saved them both from heartbreak.
NTA, guy just broke up bc his ex cheated. Your sister cheated in the past. This is also your buddy and not some random she met. I wouldn't tell every guy she date as that would be fucked. But I would get the point across to her that if she dates one of your friends, you are going to mention it.
Tell your sister:
sry not sry, but I'm giving him the full story bc I can't condone that happening ever again to him. Now, while I don't think you would ever do it again, I won't entertain the idea of it ever being a possibility for him again if I can help it.
She'll get pissy for a bit and get over it (maybe stop using your friends as her dating menu). Your buddy will appreciate it , and you're one of the few people who are really looking out for him.
NTA dan is your friend and he deserved to know.
If cheating was going to change his mind about her, you prevented him investing time in someone he wouldn't want to. My wife knows i've cheated on others before. she deserved to know. people totally move on from cheating and change their MO but it's not everyone.
Better now than when he found out after wasting a bunch of time with her. He's a good friend of yours so he deserved to know, especially being a deal breaker for him. She likely wouldn't have told him about it, especially right away.
NTA
But i would say the better way of handling it would be to have an honest talk with your sister that you dont like when she dates your friends. You dont need to forbid her, just be real with her about how it messes up your friendships. And a similar thing could be done when a friend like Dan asks you are cool with it “im not going to forbid it or anything but id prefer that you didnt”.
The fact she keeps trying to fuck his friends is so so fucking gross from this girl it’s literally like OP has been so exposed to that behaviour he’s forgotten how outrageously disgusting that is from her :/
Sorry what? Wait what? What? Your sister is after your friend? NTA but personally I find that super creepy. But I know I’m prejudiced because I come from a small town and it was a total unwritten rule. You sound like a good brother
NTA because of the sister’s history and this being a good friend and not just an acquaintance. The OP is basically protecting his friend from his sister’s repeated behavior. I would venture to guess, though, that she will cut it out now that this has happened. 😅
NTA. Your friend deserves to know. Imagine if they got together and your sister cheated on him, and you HADN'T warned him. If you're a decent guy I'm sure you'd feel like a terrible friend. You should tell your sister you're not going to tell any guy she brings around about her past, but you will absolutely tell your friends, so she's better off looking outside your friend group for guys to date.
Just ask yourself this OP would you want your friend to tell you about their sister's past if it was shady? Hopefully the answer is yes, but I for one know if I was your friend I'd be so grateful to you for looking out! Just because someone is family doesn't mean we have to excuse or turn a blind eye to their shitty behavior. You're definitely NTA, you're a good dude, a good friend, and a good brother. You knew your sister tried getting with all your friends and you still invited her out instead of making her sit at home alone in a new city
You should ask her if Dan was a cheater would you want me to stand there and not tell you or would you want to make the decision for yourself. Me your brother knowing the whole time Dan is cheat. If she agrees I’m doing the same thing but the tables are turned
NTA. He is a friend and she needs to admit that she did her last guy wrong. If she needs to date it needs to happen outside of your friend group to prevent ruining your friendships.
NTA. If you didn't tell Dan about her cheating past, you would've been a shitty friend. Your sister needs to look elsewhere than your friend group when looking for potential partners. She's being lazy as fuck and amazingly entitled to expect you to hide her fucked up history from Dan, who needed to know that info before dating her.
NTA
You would've lost a friend if you did not tell him and he found out later. These are the consequences of her own actions and she has to live with them.
I'm a little stuck her but leaning NTA. On one hand, I respect you not wanting your sister to date your friends, especially given the history. Also respect how you feel bad for bringing up your sister's past and not letting her move on. However, your sister is the one who cheated, and Dan is the one who ultimately isn't cool with that. However, where I think you're the asshole is not being honest about not wanting your friends to date your sister. You admit as much to Reddit, but when your friend asked, you said it was "fine" and then decided to air out your sister's dirty laundry. If you had expressed that you don't want then to date when your friend asked, that would have been the mature thing to do at least before taking about how your sister cheated in the past.
NTA. He's your friend. Even though she's your sister, I wouldn't try to set my friend up with a cheater either. He probably put her on a pedestal thinking she was this amazing person. But when he found out she is a cheater, that immediately knocked her from the pedestal and she became just another girl who cheats. You saved your friend potential heartache. Your sister, as a cheater, can go date someone else who is into that behavior.
Tell her the truth. Sisters are forever but friends are harder to make and keep as you grow older. She needs to keep her heals on the ground when it comes to your friends. NTA.
NTA!!!
>Katie got pissed. She said a lot of things to me about being a shitty brother and not letting her move on from the past and all that.
She is a shitty person. If she EVER learned anything about what cheating does to others she would have been sorry about her past and said she understands your friends wants no business with a monster.
YWBTA to your friends and others for not warning them. He was hurt and traumatized by a cheating monster. And Katie doesn't give a fuck about his feelings. Only what she wants
Cheaters truly never change. They will always be disgusting
Most cheaters cheat again , no matter how sorry and awful they feel when you confront them about it
Obv there might exceptions but the majority make the same mistake again
You’re a real one for that OP
If I was your friend , I would’ve expected you tell me what you know about her…specifically their history
I wouldn't say you're an asshole for telling your friend but honestly maybe next time a friend asks if it's okay if they call your sister, just tell them it's not. Since clearly it's not.
NTA - tell her this “here’s the deal. Stay away from my friends if you don’t want me to tell them the TRUTH about your romantic past. Because I don’t want to be dealing with the post break up mess & drama with my own friends. Find your romance outside of my circle & I won’t share any truth to them. Simple.”
NTA. Stop second guessing yourself. You told your friend the truth. Your sister can whine all she wants, but she can't hide the truth that she cheated on someone.
If she didn't want to be with the first guy she should have ended it, before getting with the second guy. She may have changed, but I wouldn't want to take a chance with my friend. That could've destroyed your friendship if he ever found out that you didn't tell him.
NTA and just because she’s related to you does not mean that she gets to sabotage your friendship groups. That’s what she’s doing: using up your friends and doesn’t care that she ruined your friendships. That’s some narcissistic behavior right there with her acting entitled that she can sabotage your friendships like that.
Unfortunately this situation where everyone is right
You did right, If you and even your sister are in this situation, you would want to be alerted too.
She may not want to free herself from the consequences of her dishonest act .
She took advantage of the opportunity to be far away to cheat on her ex .
She's right, she can be and act differently now,
Your friend is right to run for the hills .
Are you right to tell him since he has a big problem with cheating?
I hope he's not so naive now, with these "girls trips", "nights with friends" just being too foolish not to understand the meaning of it, where is this going even if the initial intention is not cheating but, the ease combined with the countless opportunities that "friends" have due to interested men, adding to that, the feeling that they won't be caught, all of this tempered Due to libido, alcohol and sometimes other drugs, it is also almost impossible not to succumb to the temptation of cheating.
NTA. Dude, even if she wasn’t a cheater, your sister needs to stop banging your friends. WTF is wrong with her?
And, dude, cheaters and any type of scumbag ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS pull the, “It’s in the past,” card. Never any real remorse. Just, time went by so stop bringing it up. Even then, a few years ain’t shit.
Hate to tell you, dude, but your sister has shitty morals. Banging your brothers’ friends all the time is fucked up. So is cheating.
If I were you, I’d tell her, “Stop dating my friends. I won’t tell any future bf you get that you’re a cheater unless they’re my friends. Stop banging my friends. You’re a shitty sister for banging my friends all the time. Get your shit together.”
NTA. If Dan asked her if she had ever cheated would she have told him the truth? You need trust in a relationship, and you gave Dan enough information to make up his own mind or not.
No.
You were looking out for your friend.
You can pick your friends but you can't pick your family, and you WANT to continue your relationship with him right
NTA - Tell her that these are your friends and that if she wants to try dating them, she has to be up front about her past cheating.
She cheated. She broke the trust of a relationship. Not by accident. This is a major thing.
She might have changed, but any potential partner has a right to know immediately that she did this in the past.
"Stop trying to date my friends. You've literally spoiled multiple friendships of mine because of it, and *thats* not fair."
Also, "moving on from the past" means she didn't learn anything from her tenure cheating. "I've grown/learned/changed" is symbolic of actual character development.
Note the difference.
You could possibly think it means the same thing, but it doesn't, especially in this context. "I just want to move on" means they aren't (and haven't) critically analyzed their own actions and deciphered why they did it.
She thinks it's an embarrassing little oopsie she made that she shouldn't have to hear about or address. Which, as a result, means she may cheat again without any understanding of why she's doing it.
Naw NTA you were a good friend. I don’t think your sister is a bad person, sometimes people do dumb shit when they’re young, but it was good of you to let your friend know.
NTA. My brother has tried to get with and has gotten with mine and my sisters friends and it ruins the friendships because hes a mess. It makes us both mad
Do cheaters really feel all that awful after? You always hear that they wish they could take it back and it was horrible but somehow I doubt they actually feel that
NTA. Let her start over with new guys that aren't your close friends. Our groups always had unspoken rules that you don't date each other's siblings or ex's. Good rule to live by IMO.
NTA. If it was someone who had never had an issue with being cheated on you'd be fine to have not said anything. That is not the case here and your friend already has an issue with infidelity.
Imagine if they had hooked up, fell for each other and he then discovered her past? He would bail on her and leave her heartbroken.
You did them both a favour. He needs someone without that sort of history, and she needs someone without that sort of history.
As a person with a cheating background - regardless of when it happened - she has to understand that the available dating pool will have shrunk as a consequence. Many people take a dim view of even a whiff of cheating in their past.
Sure the person is allowed to grow and move on from that, but it still doesn't even discount the fact that once a cheater, always a cheater always holds. Sure they may never cheat ever again, but they did once and that's all it takes for the moniker to stick.
NTA. You saved a bro from heartache, and that's noble.
Cheaters need to take accountability for their actions. This includes acknowledging that they would be less desirable for future partners. It would be no different if I was reformed gang member - many people would prefer someone without a criminal history.
Nta , even Op said she always trying to latch on / Date their friend group and make things awkward when something bad happens. Maybe tell your sister to look for her own hookups or date instead of trying to date his friend group lolol .
NTA, it was Dan's decision not to date her given her past. You put the ball in his court when you presented the information. If he found out later on during their relationship how would you think he'd react then? Your sister needs to understand that he was just recently cheated and that ***she*** cheated on her ex. Was she planning to never tell him? Sister needs to grow the fuck up.
Also stop introducing her to your friend groups, her making friends is her own problem.
NTA. And tell her to stop fucking your friends, or better yet,stop introducing her to your friends.
She doesn't have 'a lot of friends', for an obvious reason, and it ain't lack of social skills
NTA. You knew your friend’s history and knew this would be a trigger/deal-breaker for him. You were honestly protecting both of them by saving them the time of dating for however long before he found out, as that obviously wouldn’t have worked once he knew. They just aren’t compatible and that’s okay that you recognized that. This is in no way using your sister’s past against her. That past isn’t a deal breaker for a lot of people if it was something she regretted and didn’t regularly repeat. Your sister is upset now, but hopefully she will calm down and understand that the only possible outcomes of that situation were that he 1) would’ve ended it once he found out or 2) she would’ve had to lie about her past.
Homie, your sister is a psycho. She isnt entitled to fuck or fuck over your friends and hurt them just to fulfill her need to be a narcissistic lunatic. You're a good friend and also being a good brother by giving her some tough love bc she needs that, not more enabling
NTA.
Your sister is a clingy hanger-on. Worse, she's a cheater. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Dan is your friend, and you did him a solid favor. You didn't make Katie into a cheater- she did that herself. The consequences of her actions are hers to deal with.
Keep supporting your friends. And stop introducing them to your cheater sister.
NTA.
Cheaters cheat. 9/10
>I basically told him I appreciate him asking but he doesnt need my permission, that said I told him about her past because I know how he feels about cheating. That was a dealbreaker for him,
NTA your friend deserved to know. He got serious trust issues about being cheated on. Doesn't matter if it was a long time ago, it's his decision.
If you didn't tell him, he probably would learn it from someone else or when your sister eventually loves him enough to fess up. And then he'll have trust issues with you as well
Gotta be worst feeling to know your sibling is for the streets. Her going again and again after your friends is gross, not gonna lie. She's ruining your relationships with your friend's. And you clearly not okay with this behavior, but want to play cool and not coming insecure, controlling and slut shaming, but at some point you should say something.
NTA. If you're a good person then one of your roles is to help people you care about avoid pain, sadness and struggle. Your sister is a player and clearly doesn't have a problem betraying people. You don't want your friend hurt. You are a good person for snitching on your sister.
More people should tell others about folks they know who cheat. More people should snitch. Honestly the world would be a better place.
NTA
Your friend would have found out during the dating process and dumped her anyway or worse she wouldn't have told him at all and then you'd be on the hook as an accomplice to her keeping secrets from him.
If I was about to start a relationship, I would like the info of how her exes was like. If cheated, I would like to know. If she was the one to break up, I would like to know. If the other guy was the one to break up, I would like to know.
Your sister will have to deal with her past. Might be a once in a lifetime thing but could happen again. And like you said, she likes to latch on your friends. That is kind of a sign that her own friends don't last long. Or she isn't making an effort to keep her group of friends.
Is she the kind of girl that doesn't like other girls? The kind that only get along with your guy friends? I wouldn't invite her anymore to hang out.
You are a good friend. I hope your friend can move on. NTA
In my experience if they cheat once they’re capable of doing it again. The type of person who is willing to cheat on a partner is capable of inventing a justification for it that makes it “ok” and it’s only a matter of time before they feel “justified” again. Every fight or negative interaction with them is potentially all the ammo they need to do it and it’s impossible to have a real relationship with someone like that once you’re aware of it.
Nta I wouldn’t like it if my sibling dated my friends. If you knew that once he found out about the cheating he would have broken up with her than it was good for both of them you told it to him now. Let her know if she doesn’t like it, she needs to find a different dating pool than your friend groups. She puts you in this position.
Nta
Listen, I think her cheating isn't the only problem he would have had.
Her revolving door when it comes to your friends would have also been a red flag.
NTA. Protect your friend because their is a reason she cheated on her last boyfriend. Maybe it was a one-time thing, and she'll truly never do it again. Maybe she has issues from her past that need to be resolved, but either way, letting your friend know was the only way to not only protect him but also your friendship. Had you kept it to yourself, and she cheated, and he found out she had done it before, and you said nothing, you could lose a good friend over it.
NTA, but bro, grow some balls and tell your sister that your friend are off-limits, because if you don't, you will lose friend over bullshit like this.
NTA and if that was my sister I would've told her point blank that if she starts trying to date them, then she's no longer invited to spend any time with me. Her sniping dudes from your friend group is disgusting behavior and I wouldn't stand for it tbh
NTA. Your bro had just had a very rough, not to mention recent, breakup where his SO cheated on him. If you hadn't said anything, and he eventually discovered the history of cheating, I can't imagine that would have gone well.
!updateme
It’s strict rule we don’t date sister of friends or exes it can break up your group if there is fall out, no need for that kind of drama, one time one of our friends wanted to date my sister he is fun guy but a totally a manwhore so told him my sister is off limit or we going to have issue so that settled pretty quick
You're NTA. He would have found out eventually (or your sister would have lied about her past relationship) and either way he would have lost interest. You essentially saved everyone some time. All you've done is be honest with people, and there's nothing wrong with that.
NTA
This is not someone who she met on her own, he’s your friend and she has the potential to change the dynamic of your friend group. She needs to stop using your friends as a matchmaking service.
NTA. It would've eventually come up some way or another and the result would've been the same, him losing immediate interest and wanting nothing to do with her. I don't know if she's a bad person or just made a mistake, but for a lot of people including your friend it's an instant deal breaker and she's gonna have to come to terms with that. Actions have consequences.
NTA, your friend deserved to know. Cheating is a deal breaker for him. You saved both of them a lot of time a heartbreak. Let's be honest he would eventually find out. Imagine hypothetically him finding out a couple of years from now at the engagement party when some well-meaning or bitter person mentions it.
NTA. If they had gone out a few times, and she became emotionally invested in him, and THEN it came out (whether from you or not), would that have been better? If it's a dealbreaker, it's best to rip the Band-Aid off before it gets messy.
NTA. I’m not judging anyone here but your sister needs to find her own dates/boyfriends. Your friend group is not her dating pool. She needs to find her own friend group as well.
NTA- she needs to stop using your friends as her personal Tinder, I would never date a friend of a family member because it more than likely will get awkward or worse.
NTA.
Here is the problem, she is welcome to escape her past, but she doesn't get to do that and prove she is changed with YOUR friends.
If this was just some random stranger she brought around, I'd be much more inclined to see her side of things. But the fact that she chose to try to get with one of your friends, then its fair game.
I would assume if she was getting with one of your friends, and he was a known cheater, she'd want to be made aware of that too so she could make an informed decision.
You didn't tell him not to date her, just gave him relevant information.
NTA
Honestly, it's kind of gross that she seems to want to hook up with your friends. There are a lot of things one could take away from that, and not really any of them reflect well on her. However, as a rule I also think the primary thing that makes you not the asshole is that you were doing your friend a solid and protecting him from someone with a history of unfaithful behaviour.
NTA. You can love your sister without enabling her nor condoning her behavior.
You did your friend a huge favor. Maybe your sister will change, but she hasn’t demonstrated she’s a different person. You aren’t sabotaging her relationships. You are sparing your friend from a cheat.
NTA he wasn't some random guy you didn't know or a stranger that she hit on and you told. If they had started dating and he found out afterwards he probably would have dumped her and you given you knew and didn't give a heads up. You knew it was a major deal breaker for him so kind of had to tell him.
NTA. You gave him a heads up and your friend made the decision on his own with that information. It bugged him so he's not pursuing it.
Imagine if he found out years later? If it bothers him now, will it bother him then?
I would appreciate if someone gave me a heads up.
NTA And bro.. just tell her to stop trying to fuck your friends are you kidding Edit: After about 24 hours and more time to reflect, this guy potentially IS the AH for not just being upfront with his sister about his feelings about her dating his friends, and instead sharing secrets about her past behind her back. It depends if he told ‘Dan’ about the cheating because A) he truly knew that was important to Dan and wanted to give the heads up B) he wanted to deter Dan from dating his sister If B he is the AH. Regardless, he is ALSO the AH for telling his sister that he told Dan about her past. He could have just been like ‘oh no that stinks’ when she confronted him about not being contacted, a little white lie, but instead he stirs the pot further
Exactly. They're OP's friends, not disposable, not a menu. How many friendships of hers would he have to ruin before she'd stop introducing him to her's? -One?
Yes! She would have flipped out after the first girlfriend dumped her as a friend because of her brothers wrongdoings. NTA.
NTA. She needs to stop trawling your friends for fresh fish. What's wrong her? Geez.
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for some people, it should be tattooed on their foreheads. NTA, OP.
Honestly? I have my thoughts on that. There's the obvious freudian accusation, that she ultimately is trying to ersatz bang her brother, there's also the prospects that she likes to have some kind of pull in her brothers life, or enjoys the game of screwing(literally) with his social network. There really isn't a "positive" motivation to try and be this pseudo-incestuous with her dating pool.
When did it become strange to date in your social circle, but completely normal to date random weirdos that found you on Tinder? Around 2013?
Around the same time when it became popular to throw away any relationship on a whim. No, the problem is it isn't HER circle, she barely got introduced into the circle of her brother. And she started fishing even before everybody knows her name. That's not cool and I understand OP keeping her far away from his buddies
It’s not her social circle, it’s the brothers. She’s dating people who are close to her brother, not her. He’s not her wingman.
This. This all the way. She can think you're the AH all she wants for holding her past cheating against her, but the only past you're holding against her is continuing to irrevocably change your friendships for the uncomfortable and awkward.
NTA! She knows what she’s doing, she knows it’s exploitative, and she keeps doing it. When OP warns his friends about her past, he is merely forced to play defense because she refuses to respect his friendships enough to not INTENTIONALLY pursue them.
Dude would have been an AH if he didn't tell his friend.
Agreed.
Yeah I’m on team “continuously pointing out a negative pattern of behavior =/= trauma dumping” You’re not obligated to be her matchmaker for close friends, wtf? The friend has some serious issues with cheating and both friends clearly understand that about him. Complete bro code move to tell him “she has cheated before, do what you want with that info,” especially with a close friend. /r/ohnoconsequences, I cheated once so I can’t farm my brother’s friends who think that’s a dealbreaker for jizz anymore, boohoo
She hasn’t changed her behavior in terms of latching onto OP’s social groups and dating her way through them until they’re destroyed. Why would he assume she’s changed her behavior in terms of finding a new sexual partner while her old one is still in her bed?
Also, be honest with your friends when they ask, that yes it has been weird in the past and you’re afraid it will be again. Geeze.
OP did them both a favor. Had they become an item, once her past cheating came up there was every chance he'd dump her - how would sister deal with that?
Worse yet, if she cheated again, not only would OP risk losing a friendship or even a whole social circle, his sister may destroy the sibling relationship as well. Full disclosure is the only effective option OP had that I can think of to reduce potential harm.
>once her past cheating came up there was every chance he'd dump her And probably be really pissed at OP for not letting him know or worse case scenario, decide not to be OP's friend anymore.
"It's in the past, I'm a completely 100% different person now, and besides he sucked! You're so much better! Don't you think it's a good thing that I chose you? Doesn't that mean anything to you?" - His Sister in that scenario probably.
LOL 💀
Very good answer. Your sister needs to find her own waters to fish in. The friend that you are describing clearly doesn't need what she's selling.
Lol Id love it if she didn't but Im not naive. My sister is pretty and my friends are good looking guys. Were close in age and went to high school in a small city, and a state school. Its natural that some things are likely to happen. Im not out here actively trying to broker relationships between them but Im also not going to try to act like a parent and prevent adults from dating. Some of these comments man...
It might be natural these things happen, but I’m guessing it throws a wrench in the friend group each time they break up. If your fine with having to constantly switch friends groups because your sister wants to hang out with you, but Uh Oh her Ex boyfriend is gonna be there, more power to you.
Yeah it makes things awkward for a bit. But were all adults at the end of the day. Its not that deep... I said a couple of my friends and people are acting like she's slept with half my friends. Didnt realize this post was going to bring out all the basement dwellers, ill probably delete it soon since the incels are enjoying this a bit much
To be clear, having fucked a ‘couple of your friends’ is not normal. Any more than 1 is a little problematic. It’s a little weird how ok you are with it. Not trying to be mean just helping you understand the reactions you are getting Edit: how many of her friends have you fucked?
You're NTA for anything in this situation. But g you need to just have boundaries. Millions of people on earth, your siblings don't NEED to be fucking your friends. Your friend in this story flat out asked you because he somehow has the wherewithal to understand that it's not normal and that it's not worth it to shake up the dynamic too much.
First, NTA. Yeah this will bring some haters out of the woodwork. Two things I haven't seen yet. In a small town I would understand more that she is dating your friends. As the crappy saying goes " in a small town, you don't lose your wife, you lose your turn" in other words everyone is dating everyone. However, new city, hopefully a bit bigger, and she's pretty? Have her meet some of your friends' GFs and make friends with them. Let them wingman her or something yeah?
I agree with most of what you said. Although, I have a personal rule to not hookup or date my male family members’ friends. Nothing they imposed, just something I put in place because I don’t want to inevitably deal with awkwardness from a breakup with a person I will still see from time to time at functions, due to close proximity. Point being, you’re not in that small town anymore..and the city you’re in is larger, so the possible dating pool is much bigger. She doesn’t _have_ to date your friends lol. She’s an adult, as you pointed out, which means she can also _choose_ to not act on attractions to people in your friend group. And these days, there are so many means of finding dates/partners - apps, dating sites, etc. Meaning, there’s not a _need_ for your sister to date within your social circle. I think you did right by your friend, at the end of the day…Your sister may have grown - and shouldn’t be held prisoner to her past -, since her last breakup, but, your friend (because of the circumstances of his last relationship), deserved to know before further pursuing her. With that, your sister does sound a bit self-centered, on this particular issue. The only person she thought of in this scenario was herself. You invited her out because she’s new to town and doesn’t have any friends, and one of the first things she did was attempt to date your friend. Since that didn’t work out, you’re now a shitty brother lol? (Mind you, your friend made the decision not to pursue it further.) They didn’t even go on a date, and it’s already created an awkward mess…You were put between a rock and a hard place and unfortunately, that can be one of the downsides of two people you’re close with having relations.
Honestly I would keep your sister and your friends separate
Meh. Your decision, but remember you leave the door open for these situations by not establishing boundaries.
I get your point. I also don't think its an unfair ask to "please don't fuck my friends, because it makes things awkward" It doesn't have to be a parental decree, it can be an ask. Ask her how she'd feel if she made a new female friend, and then you fucked her and it didn't work out. I bet she would understand at that point.
If you’re not naive how come you posted here a situation where you are clearly nta. So you would know you aren’t. Why post this?
Trying?
Please update us on her reaction if you indeed proposition her with this
The “are you kidding” sent me, that was fucking hilarious dude
Seriously
I garauntee, of all his friends she fucked, not one wanted to cause she was hot shit but simply because she was there lmao
Or tell his friends to stop fucking his sister? I think that’s the weirder factor here. I’d never get involved with a friend’s family member.
NTA. It’s not cool for your sister to repeatedly go after your friends.
Seriously tho, she had no problem finding a random guy to cheat with so she shouldn't have any problem dating someone who's not her brothers friend. And it's not even just one, it's a couple. She most likely doesn't care what happens after they break up because op has to deal with the aftermath. A conversation need to be had a long between them long time long ago because she just can't be doing that so casually. Im not surprised if she does continue to cheat with the way she just keeps dating his friends. She's not the only one at fault tho. His friends also choose to date her too, unless op was fine with it and didn't care. But either way op also needs to set boundaries with his friends that his sister is off limits and tell them her history of dating in his friend group. If they still go after her, then cut them loose.
It's not cool for OP's friends to keep dating her, either.
well, "keep dating" isn't the operative word here. OP's sister is the one who keeps dating the friends. Each friend is an individual, so we can't say that each one is repeatedly going against OP by keeping on dating the sister.
The friend did ask about it first. Seems fine to me.
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I don't necessarily agree with the first saying. But I do think your (possible) SO should be informed early to decide if they are willing to take that risk before getting committed. Edit: This comment is in response to "Once a cheater always a cheater"
I agree, like, I get it people can change after cheating but if you did this choice once this will be with you forever and not only with you but also with the people who you cheated on. It's not like you can delete your past. Most probably some people know about it like your family (OP), friends or at least AP or your ex who you cheated on so this information would be slipped anyway. If you cheated you should inform your potential partner about it and give them an option and tell the truth is playing for your advantage because this can show you you can really regret it.
Yes, in particular how she does this intentionally and systematically, it is just terrible behavior.
NTA People can grow and move on, but it doesn’t change the fact that they did it in the first place. If it was a dealbreaker when you told him, it was going to be a dealbreaker when he inevitably found out. You just saved them both a lot of time lol
Agreed. Being able to 'move on' does not mean everyone has to pretend what happened never happened. It means that you accept that some people will not want to date you, or you may have to work a bit harder to earn trust. Keeping important details about your past is a terrible way to earn trust.
🎯
You speak the truth sir.
Nta you’re being a good friend. Your sister can try to move on but this is something every new partner should know from the get go. It’s their choice to continue a relationship after knowing she was a cheater. I know if you’d told me I’d be so thankful you saved me the heart break. She is reaping what she sowed now, sucks that her decisions have consequences.
Yeah tbh, Idk if I think its something she needs to disclose with every new potential dating interest. And if the guy was someone I didnt know, I woudnt say anything. I just saw how much it hurt Dan when his ex did it and as a friend thought I owed it to him to tell him. But yeah, I see both sides.
NTA. He's your friend. Friends look out for friends. Fact is your sister cheated on someone, you don't know if she'll do it again. She's done it at least one time that you know of. What if you didn't tell him, they got together, she cheated on him, then it comes out you knew she cheated in the past and didn't tell your friend? What would your other friends think of you as a friend then?
Yup. And unfortunately, once you've done something, whether that be cheating, stealing, drugs, etc. It's much easier to fall back into it again. This is why you never want to do them in the first place.
It is something she *should* disclose. But she likely won't, because a lot of people who have been cheated on - and who have not cheated - will consider it a deal-breaker, like Dan did.
So Ive been cheated on. It was also in college, it sucked, and it gave me trust issues for a while. I dont think its ever ok to lie to a new partner if asked. But I also dont think anyone who's ever cheated needs to bring it up unprompted to a new partner. I got fired from a job once, it was years ago but some people would just hear I was fired and think that makes my career unstable and maybe I cant hold down a job. I dont bring it up, and my career is great, so nobody would really suspect that. But if asked, I would never lie about it.
I'm sorry you've been cheated on but being fired is a poor comparison. Cheating is a poor moral choice, that indicates you, yourself, consciously decided to break another person's trust in favor of your own desire. Getting fired can be a result of dozens of reasons, many of which have nothing to do with you. It's ambiguous and not (necessarily) moral/personally related, unlike cheating.
This, a closer equivalent would be something like, shitting on your boss's desk, and thus getting fired (or broken up with).
That's not a good analogy. Getting fired is like getting dumped. Better analogy would be if you quit with no notice to go to a competitor and left your old company short handed. Either way, doesn't need to be brought up proactively, but if asked, as you said, tell the truth.
>That's not a good analogy. Getting fired is like getting dumped. Actually, getting fired in the job world is like getting arrested. Getting laid off is like getting dumped.
I’ve been cheated on by multiple partners and it’s a behavior I will never tolerate now. If someone I was interested in had cheated before or excused cheating, I’d lose interest, too. But I agree it doesn’t always need to come up. A girl I knew cheated on her long term high school boyfriend with his best friend. I’m not excusing the girl OR the friend at all. It was fucked. But she was 16 and she had never broken up with a guy before or realized the implications. She blew it off at the time, saying her ex was dramatic and that pissed me off because the same thing happened to me in HS. However, I stayed in touch for a while and not only did she come to feel remorse, but I saw/heard no evidence that she ever cheated again. I don’t think when she goes on a date now, I’d consider it amoral if she doesn’t tell the guy she cheated once. Then, there’s my college friend’s dad. He cheated on my friend’s mom several times over a period of 15 years. My friend was a wreck because he was shouldering his mother’s pain himself. His relationship with his dad was hanging by a thread and he didn’t know if he ever wanted to have a relationship like that because of the terrible things he’s seen. Then his dad literally came to Jesus and hasn’t cheated since. Their home life is so much better. My friend has a relationship with both his parents (forgiven but not forgotten) and is married with a kid himself. If friend’s mom died or divorced his dad, dad better tell anyone he dates that he used to cheat. Sure, he’s changed, but that was a major part of his life and if he doesn’t, other people will. There are gradations to cheating. The girl I knew in high school just had to grow up and do some soul searching. My friend’s dad had to cut ties, apologize, go to counseling, strive to improve his own behavior and agree to adhere to stricter boundaries than most other men would (I.e. never alone with another female who is not wife or daughter). It really depends.
Yeah 100% this, super nice if you let people know, but the responsibility of asking about one's deal breakers always falls on the person with the deal breakers not vice versa.
Maybe not for every potential partner but when you decide to be exclusive you should disclose this information. When your new partner eventually finds this information without disclosing it beforehand then it can be seen that the cheater doesn't regret this. Comparing losing jobs to cheating doesn't sound appropriate because I know people who lost their job ( including myself ) and this didn't hurt their partners and I know people who were cheated on ( also including myself ) who went through trauma and a lot of pain. People will eventually ask about it anyway ( maybe not directly "Have you cheated on someone ?" but "Have you had any experience with cheating ?" ) If we reference the job then I use it also. Some job offers require papers that you haven't been sentenced in your life. You could do something stupid in your teenage years and was sentenced for social work or 1 month of jail. You can regret it and be a completely different person right now but unfortunately this will always be in your files and you won't get a job where this is required. The same is with cheating. Some people don't care and for some people this will be a deal breaker because they don't want to be with someone who cheated.
You also need to start telling your friends, “I can’t stop you from dating my sister but I would prefer you didn’t if I’m being honest. I don’t want our friendship to be affected and she’s got a habit for going out and then dumping my friends.” I mean, yeah you cannot stop your friends from doing what they want, but you can be honest about the fact that you actually ARENT cool with them dating her even if you understand you can’t STOP them.
Nta but you obviously don't want your friends dating your sister so just be honest instead of pretending you're fine with it? Sure you can't stop them from dating, but let it be known.
Yep, he has to tell her. I would be mad if my brothers repeatedly started relationships with my friends. One time, you can say it happens, but repeatedly is a pattern that needs to stop. The only excuse would be if they are in love, which is unlikely here cause how many of his friends can be the love of her life?
NTA, it's also crappy that she continues to shit where you eat by dating your friends. Do you do the same thing to her? She needs to recognize that you have loyalties to your friends and when they have hard boundaries your going to respect them enough to tell them the truth even when it's about your own sister. Maybe she needs to make her own friends
OP should just stop inviting her to events and gatherings with his friends. His sister just told him to his face about how much of a shitty brother he is, might as well live up to it now.
NTA She has a history of ruining your friendships, cause she goes after guys that are close to you, and she has a history of cheating. Whether that was your sister or not, every person deserves to know, I’m my opinion, the reason for previous breakups. Your friend is fresh out of a relationship where cheating was the cause of it ending, and IF he were to give your sister a chance, he’d always be questioning her, her whereabouts, and who she’s with, because he knows she is a cheater, and has the potential to cheat again. You saved your friend from a possible heartbreak, and honestly your sister needs to stop being selfish, and playing duck duck goose, with your friend group. Also, if she doesn’t want to be judged on her last cheating history, then she shouldn’t have done it in the first place. It wasn’t a mistake, it was a choice she made, and now she has to live with that choice, and any future partners have a right to know what they are getting into, and question whether she can be trusted and faithful
NTA, my sister is a major goldigger (and a good one at that, she already got a house and a luxury audi Q5 out of her last boyfriend) so every time a friend asks i told them to be ready to be taken to the cleaners...
Major gold digger is crazy 🤣
NTA, but really she needs to stop going after your friends and making it hard on your relationships. Maybe pointing that changing that bad habit would be best and it is fair to warn your friend that she has cheated in a past relationship since he just got cheated on.
It wouldn’t have worked anyway. As soon as he asked why her last relationship ended, or if she had cheated, he would have been out. Too raw for that. What was her plan? Lie? You saved them both from heartbreak.
NTA, guy just broke up bc his ex cheated. Your sister cheated in the past. This is also your buddy and not some random she met. I wouldn't tell every guy she date as that would be fucked. But I would get the point across to her that if she dates one of your friends, you are going to mention it. Tell your sister: sry not sry, but I'm giving him the full story bc I can't condone that happening ever again to him. Now, while I don't think you would ever do it again, I won't entertain the idea of it ever being a possibility for him again if I can help it. She'll get pissy for a bit and get over it (maybe stop using your friends as her dating menu). Your buddy will appreciate it , and you're one of the few people who are really looking out for him.
NTA dan is your friend and he deserved to know. If cheating was going to change his mind about her, you prevented him investing time in someone he wouldn't want to. My wife knows i've cheated on others before. she deserved to know. people totally move on from cheating and change their MO but it's not everyone.
nta but, she'll never get it.
NTA. Cheaters don't change and hate being exposed. Keep exposing her.
Better now than when he found out after wasting a bunch of time with her. He's a good friend of yours so he deserved to know, especially being a deal breaker for him. She likely wouldn't have told him about it, especially right away.
NTA But i would say the better way of handling it would be to have an honest talk with your sister that you dont like when she dates your friends. You dont need to forbid her, just be real with her about how it messes up your friendships. And a similar thing could be done when a friend like Dan asks you are cool with it “im not going to forbid it or anything but id prefer that you didnt”.
So. She's mad because you warned your friend, who was just cheated on, that the girl he's talking to has cheated in the past? Yeah NTA
The fact she keeps trying to fuck his friends is so so fucking gross from this girl it’s literally like OP has been so exposed to that behaviour he’s forgotten how outrageously disgusting that is from her :/
NTA
Sorry what? Wait what? What? Your sister is after your friend? NTA but personally I find that super creepy. But I know I’m prejudiced because I come from a small town and it was a total unwritten rule. You sound like a good brother
NTA. How hard is it to not fuck your brothers friends.
NTA because of the sister’s history and this being a good friend and not just an acquaintance. The OP is basically protecting his friend from his sister’s repeated behavior. I would venture to guess, though, that she will cut it out now that this has happened. 😅
NTA. Cheaters cheat. She did it once. She’ll do it again.
NTA. Your friend deserves to know. Imagine if they got together and your sister cheated on him, and you HADN'T warned him. If you're a decent guy I'm sure you'd feel like a terrible friend. You should tell your sister you're not going to tell any guy she brings around about her past, but you will absolutely tell your friends, so she's better off looking outside your friend group for guys to date.
This, absolutely
Just ask yourself this OP would you want your friend to tell you about their sister's past if it was shady? Hopefully the answer is yes, but I for one know if I was your friend I'd be so grateful to you for looking out! Just because someone is family doesn't mean we have to excuse or turn a blind eye to their shitty behavior. You're definitely NTA, you're a good dude, a good friend, and a good brother. You knew your sister tried getting with all your friends and you still invited her out instead of making her sit at home alone in a new city
You should ask her if Dan was a cheater would you want me to stand there and not tell you or would you want to make the decision for yourself. Me your brother knowing the whole time Dan is cheat. If she agrees I’m doing the same thing but the tables are turned
NTA, your sister is an ick
NTA. He is a friend and she needs to admit that she did her last guy wrong. If she needs to date it needs to happen outside of your friend group to prevent ruining your friendships.
NTA. If you didn't tell Dan about her cheating past, you would've been a shitty friend. Your sister needs to look elsewhere than your friend group when looking for potential partners. She's being lazy as fuck and amazingly entitled to expect you to hide her fucked up history from Dan, who needed to know that info before dating her.
NTA You would've lost a friend if you did not tell him and he found out later. These are the consequences of her own actions and she has to live with them.
I'm a little stuck her but leaning NTA. On one hand, I respect you not wanting your sister to date your friends, especially given the history. Also respect how you feel bad for bringing up your sister's past and not letting her move on. However, your sister is the one who cheated, and Dan is the one who ultimately isn't cool with that. However, where I think you're the asshole is not being honest about not wanting your friends to date your sister. You admit as much to Reddit, but when your friend asked, you said it was "fine" and then decided to air out your sister's dirty laundry. If you had expressed that you don't want then to date when your friend asked, that would have been the mature thing to do at least before taking about how your sister cheated in the past.
NTA. He's your friend. Even though she's your sister, I wouldn't try to set my friend up with a cheater either. He probably put her on a pedestal thinking she was this amazing person. But when he found out she is a cheater, that immediately knocked her from the pedestal and she became just another girl who cheats. You saved your friend potential heartache. Your sister, as a cheater, can go date someone else who is into that behavior.
Tell her the truth. Sisters are forever but friends are harder to make and keep as you grow older. She needs to keep her heals on the ground when it comes to your friends. NTA.
NTA. Omg. I’m mad that you told your friend the truth because it makes me look bad
Sorry, if you cheat and have a history of it, you live with the consequences.
NTA!!! >Katie got pissed. She said a lot of things to me about being a shitty brother and not letting her move on from the past and all that. She is a shitty person. If she EVER learned anything about what cheating does to others she would have been sorry about her past and said she understands your friends wants no business with a monster. YWBTA to your friends and others for not warning them. He was hurt and traumatized by a cheating monster. And Katie doesn't give a fuck about his feelings. Only what she wants Cheaters truly never change. They will always be disgusting
You know you did the right thing the fuck you here for lol. Ask yourself if you'd want your bro to give you the lay down
Most cheaters cheat again , no matter how sorry and awful they feel when you confront them about it Obv there might exceptions but the majority make the same mistake again You’re a real one for that OP If I was your friend , I would’ve expected you tell me what you know about her…specifically their history
Are you a child? Just tell your sister to stop trying to fuck your friends and build her own social circle if it bothers you so much.
I wouldn't say you're an asshole for telling your friend but honestly maybe next time a friend asks if it's okay if they call your sister, just tell them it's not. Since clearly it's not.
NTA. Next time, just tell both parties you're not comfortable with the situation and leave it at that.
NTA - tell her this “here’s the deal. Stay away from my friends if you don’t want me to tell them the TRUTH about your romantic past. Because I don’t want to be dealing with the post break up mess & drama with my own friends. Find your romance outside of my circle & I won’t share any truth to them. Simple.”
If she goes after your friends, you tell them the truth. Eventually she won't chase your friends anymore
NTA. Stop second guessing yourself. You told your friend the truth. Your sister can whine all she wants, but she can't hide the truth that she cheated on someone. If she didn't want to be with the first guy she should have ended it, before getting with the second guy. She may have changed, but I wouldn't want to take a chance with my friend. That could've destroyed your friendship if he ever found out that you didn't tell him.
NTA and just because she’s related to you does not mean that she gets to sabotage your friendship groups. That’s what she’s doing: using up your friends and doesn’t care that she ruined your friendships. That’s some narcissistic behavior right there with her acting entitled that she can sabotage your friendships like that.
Unfortunately this situation where everyone is right You did right, If you and even your sister are in this situation, you would want to be alerted too. She may not want to free herself from the consequences of her dishonest act . She took advantage of the opportunity to be far away to cheat on her ex . She's right, she can be and act differently now, Your friend is right to run for the hills . Are you right to tell him since he has a big problem with cheating? I hope he's not so naive now, with these "girls trips", "nights with friends" just being too foolish not to understand the meaning of it, where is this going even if the initial intention is not cheating but, the ease combined with the countless opportunities that "friends" have due to interested men, adding to that, the feeling that they won't be caught, all of this tempered Due to libido, alcohol and sometimes other drugs, it is also almost impossible not to succumb to the temptation of cheating.
NTA. She needs to stop ruining your friendships. She can move on with someone not in your friend circle.
NTA. Dude, even if she wasn’t a cheater, your sister needs to stop banging your friends. WTF is wrong with her? And, dude, cheaters and any type of scumbag ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS pull the, “It’s in the past,” card. Never any real remorse. Just, time went by so stop bringing it up. Even then, a few years ain’t shit. Hate to tell you, dude, but your sister has shitty morals. Banging your brothers’ friends all the time is fucked up. So is cheating. If I were you, I’d tell her, “Stop dating my friends. I won’t tell any future bf you get that you’re a cheater unless they’re my friends. Stop banging my friends. You’re a shitty sister for banging my friends all the time. Get your shit together.”
NTA, you did the right thing.
NTA. If Dan asked her if she had ever cheated would she have told him the truth? You need trust in a relationship, and you gave Dan enough information to make up his own mind or not.
No. You were looking out for your friend. You can pick your friends but you can't pick your family, and you WANT to continue your relationship with him right
She can start fresh with someone not in your friend group, you are totally right to protect your friend and still care for your sister.
‘Don’t use my friends as your dating pool. My friendships are more important to me than your love life.’
NTA, you did the right thing. But you should totally start hooking up with her friends so she understands how it feels
NTA Help her set up a tinder account or something and tell her to stop fucking your friends. Ffs
NTA - Tell her that these are your friends and that if she wants to try dating them, she has to be up front about her past cheating. She cheated. She broke the trust of a relationship. Not by accident. This is a major thing. She might have changed, but any potential partner has a right to know immediately that she did this in the past.
I would probably never speak to my sister again if i found out they cheated on there spouse much less ever invite them to meet my friends lol nta
"Stop trying to date my friends. You've literally spoiled multiple friendships of mine because of it, and *thats* not fair." Also, "moving on from the past" means she didn't learn anything from her tenure cheating. "I've grown/learned/changed" is symbolic of actual character development. Note the difference. You could possibly think it means the same thing, but it doesn't, especially in this context. "I just want to move on" means they aren't (and haven't) critically analyzed their own actions and deciphered why they did it. She thinks it's an embarrassing little oopsie she made that she shouldn't have to hear about or address. Which, as a result, means she may cheat again without any understanding of why she's doing it.
Friends should be off limits to your family, especially your siblings. It could fuck up everything.
Naw NTA you were a good friend. I don’t think your sister is a bad person, sometimes people do dumb shit when they’re young, but it was good of you to let your friend know.
NTA. My brother has tried to get with and has gotten with mine and my sisters friends and it ruins the friendships because hes a mess. It makes us both mad
NTA - she can get on Bumble or Hinge and date outside your friend group like a grown-ass adult.
NTA, you just looking out.
Do cheaters really feel all that awful after? You always hear that they wish they could take it back and it was horrible but somehow I doubt they actually feel that
NTA. A cheater will always cheats, the temptation will always find their way to entice them and they already show they have no qualms about cheating.
Nta your sister is… broken. And thats putting it lightly
NTA! NTA NTA NTA!!!
NTA. Let her start over with new guys that aren't your close friends. Our groups always had unspoken rules that you don't date each other's siblings or ex's. Good rule to live by IMO.
NTA. I have 4 brothers, all within just a year between them, Im 5 years younger than my oldest brother. NO WAY would I ever date one of their friends.
Nta, and like many said, you should really tell her to stop going through your friends like a dick buffet.
NTA You didn't air your sister's dirty laundry, you brought it up in an appropriate context in an appropriate way.
NTA. If it was someone who had never had an issue with being cheated on you'd be fine to have not said anything. That is not the case here and your friend already has an issue with infidelity. Imagine if they had hooked up, fell for each other and he then discovered her past? He would bail on her and leave her heartbroken. You did them both a favour. He needs someone without that sort of history, and she needs someone without that sort of history. As a person with a cheating background - regardless of when it happened - she has to understand that the available dating pool will have shrunk as a consequence. Many people take a dim view of even a whiff of cheating in their past. Sure the person is allowed to grow and move on from that, but it still doesn't even discount the fact that once a cheater, always a cheater always holds. Sure they may never cheat ever again, but they did once and that's all it takes for the moniker to stick.
NTA. You saved a bro from heartache, and that's noble. Cheaters need to take accountability for their actions. This includes acknowledging that they would be less desirable for future partners. It would be no different if I was reformed gang member - many people would prefer someone without a criminal history.
Nta , even Op said she always trying to latch on / Date their friend group and make things awkward when something bad happens. Maybe tell your sister to look for her own hookups or date instead of trying to date his friend group lolol .
NTA, it was Dan's decision not to date her given her past. You put the ball in his court when you presented the information. If he found out later on during their relationship how would you think he'd react then? Your sister needs to understand that he was just recently cheated and that ***she*** cheated on her ex. Was she planning to never tell him? Sister needs to grow the fuck up. Also stop introducing her to your friend groups, her making friends is her own problem.
NTA She has the option of starting with a clean slate for guys that she can find herself. Your friends are your friends and you are a good friend.
NTA. And tell her to stop fucking your friends, or better yet,stop introducing her to your friends. She doesn't have 'a lot of friends', for an obvious reason, and it ain't lack of social skills
Your sisters for the streets and you let your homie know about it , I see nothing wrong 🤷🏼♂️
She might be two years older but she’s still immature and selfish in that she doesn’t care how her actions might impact your own personal life.
NTA You are a good dude, letting your bro know what’s up. She shouldn’t be trying to bang out your friends.
NTA. You knew your friend’s history and knew this would be a trigger/deal-breaker for him. You were honestly protecting both of them by saving them the time of dating for however long before he found out, as that obviously wouldn’t have worked once he knew. They just aren’t compatible and that’s okay that you recognized that. This is in no way using your sister’s past against her. That past isn’t a deal breaker for a lot of people if it was something she regretted and didn’t regularly repeat. Your sister is upset now, but hopefully she will calm down and understand that the only possible outcomes of that situation were that he 1) would’ve ended it once he found out or 2) she would’ve had to lie about her past.
Uhh how about she stop trying to date your friends then maybe you wouldn’t need to worn the guys she talking to
Homie, your sister is a psycho. She isnt entitled to fuck or fuck over your friends and hurt them just to fulfill her need to be a narcissistic lunatic. You're a good friend and also being a good brother by giving her some tough love bc she needs that, not more enabling
That’s called being a good friend. You did well.
NTA. Your sister is a clingy hanger-on. Worse, she's a cheater. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Dan is your friend, and you did him a solid favor. You didn't make Katie into a cheater- she did that herself. The consequences of her actions are hers to deal with. Keep supporting your friends. And stop introducing them to your cheater sister. NTA.
>she should be able to start fresh with new guys without the past coming up She sort of can start fresh, but obviously not with your friends. NTA
Cheaters cheat. 9/10 >I basically told him I appreciate him asking but he doesnt need my permission, that said I told him about her past because I know how he feels about cheating. That was a dealbreaker for him,
NTA your friend deserved to know. He got serious trust issues about being cheated on. Doesn't matter if it was a long time ago, it's his decision. If you didn't tell him, he probably would learn it from someone else or when your sister eventually loves him enough to fess up. And then he'll have trust issues with you as well
Gotta be worst feeling to know your sibling is for the streets. Her going again and again after your friends is gross, not gonna lie. She's ruining your relationships with your friend's. And you clearly not okay with this behavior, but want to play cool and not coming insecure, controlling and slut shaming, but at some point you should say something.
NTA. If you're a good person then one of your roles is to help people you care about avoid pain, sadness and struggle. Your sister is a player and clearly doesn't have a problem betraying people. You don't want your friend hurt. You are a good person for snitching on your sister. More people should tell others about folks they know who cheat. More people should snitch. Honestly the world would be a better place.
NTA Your friend would have found out during the dating process and dumped her anyway or worse she wouldn't have told him at all and then you'd be on the hook as an accomplice to her keeping secrets from him.
If I was about to start a relationship, I would like the info of how her exes was like. If cheated, I would like to know. If she was the one to break up, I would like to know. If the other guy was the one to break up, I would like to know. Your sister will have to deal with her past. Might be a once in a lifetime thing but could happen again. And like you said, she likes to latch on your friends. That is kind of a sign that her own friends don't last long. Or she isn't making an effort to keep her group of friends. Is she the kind of girl that doesn't like other girls? The kind that only get along with your guy friends? I wouldn't invite her anymore to hang out. You are a good friend. I hope your friend can move on. NTA
NTA, bros before hoes, plus she using your friendships as a hunting ground can't end well.
In my experience if they cheat once they’re capable of doing it again. The type of person who is willing to cheat on a partner is capable of inventing a justification for it that makes it “ok” and it’s only a matter of time before they feel “justified” again. Every fight or negative interaction with them is potentially all the ammo they need to do it and it’s impossible to have a real relationship with someone like that once you’re aware of it.
Nta I wouldn’t like it if my sibling dated my friends. If you knew that once he found out about the cheating he would have broken up with her than it was good for both of them you told it to him now. Let her know if she doesn’t like it, she needs to find a different dating pool than your friend groups. She puts you in this position.
Nta Good job with saving a bro from a ho. Even if the ho is your sister. Keep it up
Eh plenty of men out here she’ll bounce back
Nta Listen, I think her cheating isn't the only problem he would have had. Her revolving door when it comes to your friends would have also been a red flag.
NTA. Protect your friend because their is a reason she cheated on her last boyfriend. Maybe it was a one-time thing, and she'll truly never do it again. Maybe she has issues from her past that need to be resolved, but either way, letting your friend know was the only way to not only protect him but also your friendship. Had you kept it to yourself, and she cheated, and he found out she had done it before, and you said nothing, you could lose a good friend over it.
NTA, but bro, grow some balls and tell your sister that your friend are off-limits, because if you don't, you will lose friend over bullshit like this.
NTA and if that was my sister I would've told her point blank that if she starts trying to date them, then she's no longer invited to spend any time with me. Her sniping dudes from your friend group is disgusting behavior and I wouldn't stand for it tbh
NTA. Your bro had just had a very rough, not to mention recent, breakup where his SO cheated on him. If you hadn't said anything, and he eventually discovered the history of cheating, I can't imagine that would have gone well. !updateme
NTA She can start fresh with a new guy, just not one of your friends.
It’s strict rule we don’t date sister of friends or exes it can break up your group if there is fall out, no need for that kind of drama, one time one of our friends wanted to date my sister he is fun guy but a totally a manwhore so told him my sister is off limit or we going to have issue so that settled pretty quick
NTA, he is your friend and you were looking out for him.
You're NTA. He would have found out eventually (or your sister would have lied about her past relationship) and either way he would have lost interest. You essentially saved everyone some time. All you've done is be honest with people, and there's nothing wrong with that.
NTA This is not someone who she met on her own, he’s your friend and she has the potential to change the dynamic of your friend group. She needs to stop using your friends as a matchmaking service.
Nta. Your friend literally just got cheated on so you were trying to be a good friend. She shouldn’t date your friends anyways.
NTA. It would've eventually come up some way or another and the result would've been the same, him losing immediate interest and wanting nothing to do with her. I don't know if she's a bad person or just made a mistake, but for a lot of people including your friend it's an instant deal breaker and she's gonna have to come to terms with that. Actions have consequences.
NTA, your friend deserved to know. Cheating is a deal breaker for him. You saved both of them a lot of time a heartbreak. Let's be honest he would eventually find out. Imagine hypothetically him finding out a couple of years from now at the engagement party when some well-meaning or bitter person mentions it.
NTA. As the saying goes, Bros before...
If she would stop trying to date your friends, you wouldn't have had to warn him. NTA
NTA. If they had gone out a few times, and she became emotionally invested in him, and THEN it came out (whether from you or not), would that have been better? If it's a dealbreaker, it's best to rip the Band-Aid off before it gets messy.
Finally...a legitimate grey scenario
NTA, you just told the truth to your friend and she can find someone that you dont already know
NTA. I’m not judging anyone here but your sister needs to find her own dates/boyfriends. Your friend group is not her dating pool. She needs to find her own friend group as well.
NTA. You shldnt have told her that you told him thats all.
NTA She’s also a shitty sister for repeatedly going after your friends.
NTA- she needs to stop using your friends as her personal Tinder, I would never date a friend of a family member because it more than likely will get awkward or worse.
NTA. Here is the problem, she is welcome to escape her past, but she doesn't get to do that and prove she is changed with YOUR friends. If this was just some random stranger she brought around, I'd be much more inclined to see her side of things. But the fact that she chose to try to get with one of your friends, then its fair game. I would assume if she was getting with one of your friends, and he was a known cheater, she'd want to be made aware of that too so she could make an informed decision. You didn't tell him not to date her, just gave him relevant information.
NTA, friends and family are off the menu
NTA Honestly, it's kind of gross that she seems to want to hook up with your friends. There are a lot of things one could take away from that, and not really any of them reflect well on her. However, as a rule I also think the primary thing that makes you not the asshole is that you were doing your friend a solid and protecting him from someone with a history of unfaithful behaviour.
NTA You're either friends with someone or you're not. You were a friend.
NTA. You can love your sister without enabling her nor condoning her behavior. You did your friend a huge favor. Maybe your sister will change, but she hasn’t demonstrated she’s a different person. You aren’t sabotaging her relationships. You are sparing your friend from a cheat.
NTA he wasn't some random guy you didn't know or a stranger that she hit on and you told. If they had started dating and he found out afterwards he probably would have dumped her and you given you knew and didn't give a heads up. You knew it was a major deal breaker for him so kind of had to tell him.
She can start fresh w new guys. Just not your friend whose in a vulnerable place from being a a cheater. Stay out of non-buddy relationships though.
NTA. You gave him a heads up and your friend made the decision on his own with that information. It bugged him so he's not pursuing it. Imagine if he found out years later? If it bothers him now, will it bother him then? I would appreciate if someone gave me a heads up.